Coffee Break: Gaiam Yoga Mat

45 Comments

1. I’ve tried online dating a bunch of times and I am SO TIRED OF IT. I have never been successful and trust me, my expectations/standards are low. I’m back on the apps again giving it another try but I feel so discouraged after getting few matches, conversations that go nowhere, guys who unmatch you as soon as you match with them, etc. I’m just so tired of the rejection after putting in the effort, over and over. I have friends who met their husbands online and they just love to harp on about how great online dating is – but they are blonde, skinny, athletic, rich, etc. They never had trouble meeting guys. I’m none of those things. It makes me feel so unlovable. On the other hand, I’m very tired of being the single loser of my friends group so I continue to try. Ugh.

   1. Wow I could have written this word for word. No real advice, just commiseration. i’m so over it. So defeated. So tired.

      1. Thank you for your post, you are definitely not alone. I am in the single and looking bucket, too, and it is brutal. Online dating has this way of sucking all of the joy out of the good things in life. May this be a short short season for you. Hang in there! Wishing you the very best of success!

   2. Hugs to you, internet stranger. I also struggle with online dating. It’s rough out there. Easier said than done but don’t let it get you down <3

   3. Take a break. You sound really exhausted by it, give yourself some time to just get away. When dating and meeting new guys feels like a terrible chore and you are jaded by rejection bad behavior, it’s not going to be fun. Turn off or snooze all the apps and focus your social energy elsewhere – girlfriend time, solo travel (meet travelers), work networking, whatever, just don’t date for awhile. If you can cleanse and come back to it, maybe it won’t seem so awful. You are not unlovable! Like SA said, most men are unsuitable. Just change the subject when your friends say how great online dating is, they are not saying those things AT you.

   4. I feel the same. Most recent strike out is a guy who seemed great and compatible in every way, until he told me on date 7 that he doesn’t believe in monogamy. Ummm, maybe say that from the get-go so I don’t invest time in you, and you in me, when we want different things? I already feel like over half the men on the apps just want to hook up.

      1. I am really shocked by the number of guys who say they are poly, in open relationships, etc. It’s disheartening.

   5. I’m sorry – it really does suck. If it makes you feel better, I was only one of out of those qualities you listed (skinny) and I ultimately had success (on bumble) and am now married with a little boy. It took a LONG time, though – upwards of 2 years (with periods where I stopped because I thought I was in a promising relationship that later fell apart). Have you had a friend review your profile and/or pics? It’s not for everyone, but after I got professional pics taken (including getting my hair/makeup done beforehand), the quality of guys messaging/responding to me skyrocketed. Hang in there!!

   6. Hi, friend. You are lovable. You are not a loser. You are one of a kind! Tough part is you are looking for another one-of-a-kind guy and that’s not always easy. Be kind to yourself. If it feels right to take a break, then take a break. Or maybe put less thought into it/have more fun with it (this approach may not be for everyone). Or just do what feels like the right choice for you – if you want to meet people who share the same interests as you, find an in-person club, etc. that does that. Or go join those clubs not to meet a partner but purely just to have fun and indulge in something that you like! And you have full permission to take care of yourself even if that means staying in and not going out. You are worthy of love. I mean this gently, but maybe part of the frustration is that you believe you have lowered your standards and it’s still bleak. You may find that eliminating that noise in your dating life will help you focus on what’s important — your happiness! I do not know you, but trust me when I say that you are lovable and deserve someone that sees that inherent in you. Hugs to you!

   7. I admire that you tried! I got divorced more than two years ago and I haven’t been able to summon up the courage to even venture onto the apps. Even if you decide it’s time for a break (and it sounds like it might be), at least you have it a shot and put yourself out there. You’re miles ahead of me.

   8. Hug’s to you. I agree with you that most guys on line for dating are loosers, but you should know that there are plenty of blonde, skinny, athletic, rich, cute, successful women who have no trouble meeting guys who agree with you that the guys out there on line are mainly interested in quick and sloppy s-x, not lasting and meaningful relationships. Personaly, I meet men all the time, and I am looking for more then a man on-line who wants to meet me after work in a dive bar for a few drinks and then go for quick s-x at his smelley apartement in his stinkey bed. That is not why I became a lawyer and a partner in a law firm. FOOEY!

   9. December 23rd I signed up. January 26 I deleted all my profiles. Didn’t even last a month (profiles were hidden for days at a time during this period). It came down to the only communications I was receiving was from men I wasn’t interested in, or they escalated things way too quickly (had one person basically go from You’re Cute to You’re not interested in less than 24 hours, without realising that I had other commitments and wasn’t checking the app). Or because of my age (I think) basically was interviewing for position of wife. Not my thing.

      So decided to take a break until later in the summer. Gave myself a break and signed up for a bunch of exercise classes, craft classes, Meetups and all that fun stuff. Am actually so much more busy now than I was when I started that experiment. I am leaning towards: if I am going to meet someone, it will be in real life and not online.

2. I feel like an idiot asking this but googling isn’t helping. I’m an associate but my firm doesn’t use 1st year, 2nd year, etc, so I’m not familiar with how that works. If you start at a firm in September after graduating law school, you are a 1st year, but when do you become a 2nd year? The following September? The next calendar year? I’m just confused when you move up to the next class– if it follows when you start or if it follows the calendar year. I guess this could be firm specific, but what is typical at a big firm? And if you come into a firm in September from a clerkship and you get credit so you start as a 2nd year, when do you become a 3rd year? HELP!

   1. It depends. At my firm you sort of unofficially moved up on your anniversary, but our firm’s billing year was 11/1-10/31. We had reviews in November and got officially promoted to the next class year then. I think the raises were retroactive to 11/1 but not 100% sure.

   2. Depends on the firm. Our associate year runs September to September, like the school year, and you move as you would move up grades in school.

   3. It varies by person. I took the approach that I was whatever class they paid me as, so I started in September of X as a first year and stayed a first year in my mind till January of x+2 (i.e. 15 months later) when I became a second year, then became a third year in January of x+ 3 (i.e. 27 months after starting), etc.

      Others take the approach that you advance a year when the new class of associates starts. So, for example, you start in September of X, and become a second year in September of x+1, become a third year in September of x+2, etc.

      There is no rule or uniform way to do it, even within the same firm, because your year isn’t an official thing. It’s just a short hand way to talk about how long you have been an attorney.

3. Suggestions for a makeup counter or place to learn how to do eyebrows? Going through chemo and my eyebrows are finally starting to fall out (hair fell out months ago). I’ve always had great eyebrows so I’m not looking forward to it. If anyone has lost their eyebrows and has any suggestions, those are welcome too!

   1. Do you have a microblading studio anywhere nearby? I have a couple of friends with alopecia and they have had great results with microblading. My Ulta also has a Benefit brow bar if you’d rather have something less permanent.

      This internet stranger will be thinking good thoughts for you.

   2. No suggestions but wishing you light and love. Hope you’re having a good day.

   3. No suggestions but wishing you light and love. Hope you’re having a good day.

   4. I’m sorry to hear about the side effect of your treatment. I dont have good answers for you but recommend the Ulta session that somebody else posted on here about. You can find your local store on their website and book an appointment, as well as choose your service. Good luck and hope it all grows back with the passing of time!

4. Reposting to the current thread:

   I made a minor mistake at work about 2 weeks ago (miscommunication with a client) and am having a really hard time moving past the situation. As expected, the partner in charge of the file dressed me down for the error, but he delivered his frustrations in a passive-aggressive way that hit harder than I had thought it would. I’ve only been with this firm for about a year, and it has overall been a dream job that I feel very lucky to have.
   This is the first file I’ve handled for this partner, who is generally smug but well-respected in my practice area. Basically, after I apologized for the situation, he just smiled and said that “while he’s sure this isn’t the case with me, sometimes they hire people who look great on paper but just don’t get it and can’t do the job.” Ouch.

   I’m usually very confident at work, and I know I’m good at my job. And, rationally, I know that the client service mistake I made wasn’t substantive and has as much to do with the client’s expectations as anything. Still, I’ve been having uncontrollable anxiety and what feels like symptoms of a panic attack almost daily since it happened. I feel like I could cry at any moment, heartbeat races, can’t keep food down, etc. any time I’m in my office or open my laptop at home. I don’t know why this has shaken me so much. I think I’ve just tried so, so hard to do a good job all year and impress everyone and this episode just makes me feel imposter syndrome to the extreme.

   All of this has made me realize it’s time to get serious about finding a good therapist and some healthy coping mechanisms for stress. In the meantime, though, please give me your best tips for recovering from a mistake at work and how to hold onto a positive self-image when things don’t go exactly perfectly.

   1. That partner sounds like a real turd. It’s those snarky comments that dig under your skin the most.

      I’m really glad you’re seeking a therapist. I’ve struggled with over-identifying with my work and relying on others’ opinions of me to form my self-worth. When my identity is built around my job performance, even a small mistake is huge threat to my self-image. It’s been hard to re-wire thought patterns I’ve held since childhood.

      You are more than your job, more than this partner’s opinion, even more than the sum of every “atta girl” you’ve ever gotten. You have worth just as you are – I know I sound like Mr. Rogers, but it’s true. Hope you feel better soon.

      1. I could not agree with this reply more. Please know that the partner’s reaction was out of control, and that this it says volumes more about the partner than about you. All of us (including this partner) have made mistakes and miscommunicated with clients. I’ve made WAY bigger mistakes than that, and I bet everyone else has (including this partner). There was no reason to talk to you that way, other than gross power/insecurity/ego reasons. It’s hard to remember in the moment, but just try to keep it in mind.

         Anyway, therapy is going to be very, very helpful here. I’m still on the journey to stop relying so much on others’ opinions of me and re-wire those thought patterns. It’s hard, but the payoff is significant.

   2. Partner had a bad day and took it out on you. Don’t take it to heart.

   3. Wow..what a jerk move.

      I remind myself I am only human, so of course I am going to make mistakes. I would hope to be judged by my capacity to rebound, but I cannot control other peoples’ reactions. I know I am a good person who works hard, and that is going to be enough for me right now. One mistake doesn’t make a pattern of behavior. I would never treat another person the way I was treated/spoken to. Thank you, Partner, for showing me your true character so that I can be better prepared next time to discount your unhelpful, off base comments going forward. I am more than a punching bag for my coworkers. I am good at what I do, and I do my best every day. Sometimes that falls short – but that is the way life goes. It is not a judgement on my abilities, it is just garbage issued from this man’s mouth.

   4. Wow, that guy sounds like a real a—hole. Why do lawyers think it’s okay to say things like that to people? Ughhh. Sorry you’re going through this.

   5. I like to keep a “sunshine file” of compliments and congratulations. Usually it’s just me writing down something somebody said to me in a txt file with a little context, but it serves the purpose when I need to shake up my perspective.

   6. I just posted a longer reply on your earlier post. But the gist is, everyone makes mistakes, and the partner in your firm is a doosh.

   7. Important thing to know about brilliant jerks is if they spend time to provide you with a feedback, even in a very belittling form, they are invested in your success.
      They don’t waste their time on people they want to let go. They just believe that if they soften the blow delivering a feedback they won’t get heard.

      I’m an HR, and I have to deal with that a lot.
      Last week one of our junior associate employees made a serious mistake that could’ve cost us a lot. He made a decision above his grade without asking anyone, and that decision was wrong. However, he was trying to do what’s best for the company. He is well-known hard-worker, always trying to improve, but sometimes he follows his heart instead of thinking.
      So the senior executive (his boss’ boss) decided to forgive him and fixed this mistake, which wasn’t easy for him.
      Afterwards this senior executive delivered very harsh feedback to a guy. The last words were, I believe, “ Congratulations on not being fired one day before your birthday”. It was a day before the guy’s birthday.

      But in the end of the day this senior exec could’ve get that junior associate fired, he chose to stick up his neck for him instead. And he wanted to be sure that junior associate understood the severity of a situation, and never made the same mistake again.

   8. Also, I feel like you need to process this feedback to move on. Try creating a list of what you can learn from the whole situation, and what was just a partner’s personality.
      In your career you’ll meet hundreds of men and women like that where will you end up if every each one makes you cry?
      You need to find your own coping mechanism, but you shouldn’t question your own value.
      Even if you screwed up it doesn’t make you any worse of a person, everyone screws up. You just need to remind you why you got the job in the first place, what your best qualities are and how you can use them to pull yourself out of this situation.

   9. Here is an exercise you can do that is sort of self-therapy.
      When you have an outsize reaction to something, there is probably something from your past that your brain is pattern matching. If it’s from when you were younger with less power, then your brain is seeing the current situation from that perspective instead of your full adult self.
      The exercise is to sit somewhere quiet/safe, take some deep breaths to settle into your body, and then bring up that feeling of anxiety as strongly as you can. Immerse yourself in it and let yourself feel everything related to it and just witness the sensations & emotions as if you are an impartial observer in your own mind/body. Then ask yourself if the feelings remind you of anything from your past. If a memory emerges, take some time to process your feelings from that original event. Take as long as you need to feel everything related to it, and give compassion to your younger self. Play through in your mind what would have helped you at the time and try to play that part for yourself in your imagination. There is usually a feeling of relief in just seeing and acknowledging what you needed and didn’t get at the time. Then mentally separate the two events–see yourself as the age you were, and the age you are now, and notice the differences in the situations, so your brain can start seeing the current situation in the now instead of as an echo of the past.
      Our instinct is usually to try to not feel anxiety, but going toward it with compassion can help unravel it whereas pushing it down is like trying to hold a beach ball under water.
      Hope this helps!

   10. Ditto to what everyone else has said so far. There were some really great supportive replies on this thread. Though this type of behavior seems more common in law firms in large northern cities, it can, sadly, be found in large law firms everywhere. My best friend, who is a lawyer in NYC, once called me crying after she received an extremely nasty, aggressive voicemail from a partner on whose case she was working. My friend was a junior associate at the time, I think maybe a second or third year. She lost sleep over it, Could think of nothing else, and was certain she was going to be fired. What ended up happening was…nothing. The next time she saw the partner, about a week later (she was out of town when she received the voicemail), it was as if nothing had happened. Some people just need to get things “off their chest” and then they’re done. This of course in no way makes it right or acceptable. But just try to take a step back, and remember that you are not alone, this person is a straight-up a-hole and it probably meant much more to you as the hearer than it did to the speaker. Keep your head up and be proud of your work. You’re good at it. By the way, my friend is the head of a regional office of a government agency now :)

   11. I am so sorry you are going through this. You remind me of me! Here is one important piece that is missing from the very helpful and supportive comments above. The reason that you are feeling anxious is not because of the partner’s words (although he sounds like an absolute douchebag). The reason you are feeling anxious is because of your thoughts about his words and your thoughts about this error. What is the story that you are telling yourself about this mistake? What is the story you are telling yourself about the encounter with him? If your thought is “I’m going to get fired,” that will produce a feeling of anxiety. If your thought is “well, that was a learning experience,” that will produce a feeling that is more like indifference. It’s the story that is causing the anxiety. Look inside your brain and ask yourself what your thoughts are. That will show you why you are feeling the way you do. Once you have awareness of what’s going on inside, you can choose a new thought on purpose that will help you generate a feeling that you want, one that actually will serve you better in this situation.

5. To yesterday’s 4:04pm Anon on Coffee Break looking for Chicago hotel recommendations:
   I would look into Hotel Lincoln (in LP) and Hoxton Hotel (West Loop). Hotel Lincoln has one of the most popular bars in the city (J. Parker) and Hoxton Hotel has one of the best new restaurants (Cabra). Am local so can’t speak to the actual stay quality, but location is top… enjoy your stay!

   1. That was me, thanks!

6. I’m starting a new job and have some time off in between!! It will likely be in late February. I want to go somewhere warm for 5ish days. Domestic or international, but something that is super easy and I don’t have to plan. Thinking all inclusive resort or a resort with lots of restaurant options. Might be going alone, might go with my sister. Budget is about $3000. Any specific recs I should look into?

   1. I went to an AI in Cancun for 5 days after leaving my most recent former job. I’m not normally a big AI person since I prefer to try local restaurants, but it was super relaxing and restorative, which was exactly what I needed after leaving a toxic job.

      1. Yes this is why I’m considering an AI. I literally just want to sit on a beach and not have to think or plan anything. Which one did you stay at?

7. ugh, I might be motivated by this article to give my yoga mat a cleaning, but for now I will vent about yet another instance of germophobic nonsense purported by this outlet.
   “It’s important to keep in mind that if you’re cleaning your yoga mat—but not disinfecting it—you might not be doing enough to actually get rid of these germs. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, while cleaning removes germs, disinfecting kills germs—and although each method individually works, you need to do both to fully sanitize your mat. ”
   This is completely illogical. Cleaning is effective in removing the germs, ergo when you clean the mat, you have them no longer on your mat. It doesn’t matter if you killed them. Also, people of normal health do not need a sterile environment and the overuse of disinfectants hat tons of negative side effects.

   1. If someone wants to spray their mat with alcohol after cleaning, I just don’t think it’s a big deal.

   2. Amen.

   3. I’m more concerned about my mat being not-stinky and not covered in grit or fuzz than I am about it being an appropriate surface for brain surgery. I give it once-over with a wet wipe at the gym after each use, and try to rinse it off in the shower at home at least once a year. It’s been three years with this particular mat and this process seems to work just fine.

8. Since I travel for my job, healthcare consultant, 80%+ annually, I found a great eKo travel yoga mat. Folds easily to fit in my carryon, plenty of grip for hotel carpets and to keep my hands and feet from slipping, and if I decide to take a local class works on top of the studio’s mat.

9. I have the Kindful yoga mat duffel from Amazon. I being my nice (manduka) mat and clothes to and from work with it since we have an employee yoga class at lunch 3x/week. I also have a less nice yoga mat and spare clothes that I keep in my office for days that I forget to bring my stuff from home.

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