Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Knot Front Cotton Knit Empire Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This $58 dress from eShakti is really cute. I like the sash effect in the front — I think it’s a nice take on the corset trend that seems to be everywhere, but more wearable and easier to get a good fit. I love that the dress has pockets, and I love that it’s machine washable. As always with eShakti, you can customize everything. If you prefer a scoopneck or a deep V-neck or a sweetheart neckline, for example, you can choose that, or you can change sleeve length or the length of the skirt — and you can customize the fit to your measurements and height. (Alternately, choose one of the standard sizes of 0–36W.) Knot Front Cotton Knit Empire Dress

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  1. New Sport Needs a Name :

    I would like to propose a new sport, like a hybrid of steeplechase, NASCAR, and gauntlet running.

    Moms race minivans through urban and close-in suburban environments with various fixed point time trials (like Tour de France, where you can win various stages), while trying to email professionally only from red lights and while at various camp/activity/school pickup points, pick up dinner or go a grocery run, drop off outgrown kids clothes for friend with slightly younger children, not forget anything, and not have social services called or traffic tickets written.

    Children may or may not be able to pelt opponents with marshmallows from open minivan doors.

    Exact scoring rubric is TBD.

    Perhaps on a related note: I caught air in on my way to school pickup yesterday. YEEHAW!

    • Never too many shoes... :

      Ba ha ha.

    • Anonymous :

      I know this is meant to be funny, but wow, it’s a sad state of affairs if this is supposed to be our normal.

      • Anonymous :

        Laughing through my tears.

        But I’ve been to NASCAR truck racing and I think that this would so work as a thing. On some of the dirt tracks maybe? I would totally do this if I had a pit crew and really didn’t terribly need my van (which I totally do — I swear I had NYC apartments smaller than it and it is like having a living room with you (and mine has a screen and a remote)).

      • Triangle Pose :

        I had the same reaction. Honestly, this scenario is one of the reasons I don’t want to have kids.

        • Anonymous :

          It’s why the book is titled “All Joy and No Fun.”

        • Anonymous :

          The Fast & The Furious is a wildly successful movie franchise. For a reason — speed is addictive. The rush is real.


        • If you want to add another scenario, add having to carry a screaming kicking two year old out of a elementary school. Last night I rode with my best friend and her family (best friend, her husband, two year old, five year old kindergartener) to a pancake supper at the the five year olds school, and on the walk out the two year old had a complete meltdown over walking/drinking from the water fountain/generally being alive. I love both kids and honestly think the two year old is pretty chill and hilarious and fun to be around most of the time, but this was the first time I ever witnessed total meltdown. My best friend and her husband were champs and handled it awesomely, but I got home and thanked my golden retriever for not being a child.

          • I thank my golden retrievers on a daily basis for not being able to talk to me. Sometimes they have meltdowns, but those can be fixed with a “sit” command and a treat. The thought of kids terrifies me.

          • Rainbow Hair :

            There’s something really comforting to me (a parent of a two year old) in seeing other two year olds lose it. My friends tend to be really good parents, and have really ‘good’ kids, which can get me to being like “ugh what am I doing wrong!?!” …but when another kid breaks down because she asked to have her sweater taken off and the parent took it off, or whatever, I’m like, “swhoo, ok, this is normal to some extent, I’m not a total failure.”

          • @Rainbow Hair – Maybe to add a little more comfort too – I’m childfree by choice, but I never judge parents when their kids are having meltdowns in public. It seems like a really overwhelming situation for both the parents and the kids, and as long as the parents are dealing with it (as they usually always are) I feel sympathy – not annoyance.

            Now the parents who are ignoring the 1 year old in a high chair turned away from the table and the 1 year old is yelling and throwing food all over the place, that I’m a little annoyed about. But parents who are attentive and trying get a pass/sympathy from me.

        • Anonymous :

          I mean ‘New Sport’ is basically my life if you add a snowy Canadian winter on top. But we tend to complain online vs. talk about the joy in the moments that balance it off like fierce hugs from toddlers who are so excited to see you, and handwritten misspelled notes that say ‘i love you mom’, and building wooden block towers taller than their dad and giggle fits when their stuffed bunny gets to help turn off the light-switch.

          • Triangle Pose :

            Oh I totally agree about how online talks isn’t great for those special balancing moments. It’s just not for me.

        • Anonymous :

          No way — my minivan has amazing subwoofers (why?????). It is awesome. I make playlists just for urban driving now. It is the high-adrenaline lifestyle that I worried I’d be giving up and it is strangely thrilling. I am wired weird, I guess?

          Hint: much of the Hamilton soundtrack works so well for this. The beats. The urgency. It really just feels like my life.

          • So this is my life except in a tiny Subaru hatchback (one kid, friends tall enough not to need booster seats so they can sit three across in the back), complete with Hamilton original cast recording because my kid loves it. Tribe Called Quest also works. But I am terrified of driving a minivan, especially in the city. They are so huge!

          • Gail the Goldfish :

            The Hamilton soundtrack works well for just about anything.

    • Anonymous :

      Will you be able to find any competitors? I hear the Mommy Martyr Series and the MomShaming Tournement are pretty all encompassing.

      • Slow clap.

        • Anonymous :

          Adding to the applause. And if you’re driving like this, you’re a menace to the rest of us on the road.

        • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

          Also adding to the applause. I don’t know if you mean to do it, but this post impliedly shames mothers who don’t live lives like this as well. I felt bad about myself for a millisecond, until I once again realized that I am not a bad mom for not structuring my days like this.

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t know what the sport is called, but I am definitely in training for it. Today for me it is 1-hour commute, work and skip lunch, quick stop at Trader Joe’s, 1-hour commute, calls and e-mails while waiting in school pickup line, carpool, home to put away food from Trader Joe’s, dry cleaner, Target, grocery store, home to put away groceries, cook dinner, collapse from exhaustion. Yee-haw!

      • Anonymous :

        But, why?

        Stop at Trader Joe’s; buy all of your groceries; throw them in an insulated bag; get a frozen dinner too. And you’ve cut out grocery store and cooking dinner.

      • And is there a husband/partner here? Because they should be doing like half of that.

      • I’m trying to say this nicely and recognizing there are always facts we don’t know, but this seems like an entry in the Mommy Martyr Series. Why do you have to go to Trader Joe’s, Target AND the grocery store? I understand the appeal of Trader Joe’s specialty and prepared foods and how those can save you time elsewhere, but for anything you can’t get there get yourself Amazon Prime and Instacart to cut out the Target and regular grocery store trips. I haven’t been to Target in 3 years and I can’t even think of what I would have a reason to go there for now. I do however get a lot of gentle ribbing at my office for my endless stream of Prime deliveries.

        • Anonymous :

          We started using Instacart for Costco and it Instacart saved your previous orders, so if the item is still in stock you just re-add it to the cart and checkout and hey presto, an hour later someone brings the food to your house. I order enough cereal, milk, bread, cold cuts, cheese, chicken and beef and vegetables for two weeks and throw in a few fun things (seed crackers, Aussie bites, fruit snacks, applesauce). Then I tell my family “there’s plenty of food here. Make it work.” I’m tired of catering to people’s culinary whims and also will not buy junk food. This has been an excellent solution: real food, in quantity, comes to my house. Nutrition problem = solved.

    • This is why my bike commute through 2 school zones is terrifying. Seriously, I get passed (too close- buzzed is more like it) when taking the lane and keeping up with traffic, in school zones, at least a few times per week. I realize it’s an attempt at humor, but the behaviors you cite are what get people killed.

      • Yup. Put your phone down; stop emailing; this isn’t funny. You aren’t entitled to drive like a mad man because mommy life so hard.

        • No, we moms are not actually out there driving like madwomen because we do realize that there are people, including lots of tiny people, on bikes and walking in the school zone. We only e-mail and talk on the phone while we are sitting parked in front of the school or the soccer field for half an hour. We are just blowing off steam here. Lighten up. Your time in carpool lane purgatory may come soon enough.

          • I might lighten up when the bruises have finished fading from getting tagged by a car on my way to work 2 weeks ago. I’m thankful that it was just bruises but damn… when you’re where you’re supposed to be, keeping up with traffic, following the same laws as cars, while lit up like a Christmas tree for visibility and get hit by a car that was in my vicinity for over half a mile (I noticed him, and could easily identify the vehicle) but the driver never even noticed my existence.
            It’s not something to joke about.

          • You said he. Lighten up on the moms.

          • Mothers are people. Many, many people drive while distracted and some of those people kill other people as a result of their actions. Distracted driving isn’t something to joke about.

          • No one said men don’t do this too. Obviously they do. But the OP’s post is specifically about driving like this in her own life, as a mom.

          • It’s not a laughing matter for moms, dads, childless drivers. It is a serious matter, rising problem, and distracted driving does in fact result in hundreds of thousands of injuries and yes, deaths, every year. All are 100% preventable.

        • hahahah this is why I LOATHE those trite “Baby on Board!” or “Children onboard” stickers and plaques that people put on their cars.

          lol what? you think you deserve any difference in driving because you have children? It feels like those are always the cars you see with dads texting, not moving at a green light, moms reaching into the backseat not looking, or generally driving like maniacs.

          please let ME get to work safely.

          • Those stickers are for emergency workers if the vehicle is in an accident. They let emergency workers know to look for a carseat and try to get the child/ren out. No parent thinks they “deserve any difference in driving,” whatever that means.

          • Not a mom and I did not know this was for emergency workers prior to reading this.

          • Exhibit 1: :


          • So, I only found out what the Baby on Board sticker was for recently, and it was from some tumblr page. I remember it so well because the person explaining that it was for emergency workers called the person who got snarky about it an “absolute f-ing walnut.” It still makes me laugh when I think about it.


          • ^Same. Also, don’t some say “Please Drive Carefully” below the Baby on Board?

          • So the Snopes article is correct in that the signs were not originally intended for emergency workers.

            That said, combine an SUV with three rows of seating and rearfacing car seats and a car accident at night, it could actually be tricky to see a carseat in the third row, and maybe the sign would be noticed?

            Can’t hurt, might help and in the MAGA era – definitely one of the least offensive things I’ve seen on cars lately.

          • Bumper stickers of all kinds are associated with aggressive driving:


          • Bumper stickers of all types are associated with aggressive driving. I tried to post a link and it went to mod, so search “bumper stickers aggressive driving” if you want to see news coverage of the study.

          • Bumper stickers are associated with a g g r e s s i v e driving. Don’t know why this keeps going to mod. Search the w e b for study summaries.

          • Pretty Primadonna :

            Wow. I learned something. I thought the signs were meant for other drivers, as in, please drive carefully around our vehicle, we have a baby in here. I might actually purchase one knowing the emergency worker aspect.

          • Emergency worker triage. They will take the child first if they have the best shot at a) getting them out and b) them surviving. They will not prioritize children over other occupants if the other occupants have a better chance of survival.

            The signs make parents feel better nothing more.

      • Yeah … my morning run through school zones is a serious hazard to my life. The busy intersection with a school nowhere near feels way safer. Also, your children are watching you text and drive, and when they get to be teenagers they almost hit me too.

        • That’s interesting — in my state, you can only text at a red light (I think) (or the deal is that the car has to be stopped).

          I am an original stickshift driver, so I never really did the driving + mobile device hazards. But man, first thing I do when I pull in and park is check the d*mn work e-mail. All the effing time.

          • It’s illegal to text/email in my jurisdiction unless you have pulled off the road and stopped.

          • Yeah you are wrong. Zero states are like yassss pls go right ahead and text at a stop light.

          • You cannot text at a red light. That is really dangerous.

            In our state you must be parked.

            I live in suburbia, and the Mom’s in mini-vans with kids in the car are on the phone like crazy. So dangerous, and such terrible terrible behavior you are modeling for your kids.

          • Same in Texas — but people say “I only text at red lights” and what that functionally means, because I watch them do it, is that they’re looking down while stopped, and then hit the gas as they’re looking up and without looking both ways first. It’ll be bright and sunny and I’ll be _right next to them_ and they won’t see me.

            Parked is another thing. Parked is fine, obviously.

          • minivan driver :

            I keep my phone in my OG bag which is in the footwell of the passenger seat. It just removes the temptation. The key reason I do this is to model good behavior for my children, so that when they drive you and they will be safe. BUT I sit high enough in my minivan (compared to my former econobox car) that I see nothing but people on their phones when I stop at lights. I’m an urban driver, so my guess is that there is a lower % of parents in those cars.

            Y’all — phones in the trunk if you truly can’t help yourself. But I see when you’re doing.

          • The City of Dallas’s texting while driving ban just recently (May 1 I believe) went into effect. There is no statewide ban in Texas. So, “Zero states are like yassss pls go right ahead and text at a stop light” is completely inaccurate given that there are several states (I know we’re not the only ones) who are still like “yassss pls go right ahead and text while driving, while stopped, while in stop and go, while changing lanes, while you’re on that giant flyover interchange a half mile up in the air, etc.–just put it down in school zones k thx.”

            To be clear, I’m not making this clarification in the sense of “oh it’s totally cool because it’s legal.” I’m of the opposite view, and if people are misinformed on the laws it’s easier to be unaware of what terrifying things other drivers are doing because those drivers do think it’s totally fine since it’s legal.

          • The statewide ban on texting while driving in Texas went into effect September 1. It didn’t get a lot of press because of Harvey, but it is illegal here statewide now. It only bans reading, writing, or sending electronic messages though, so other apps (like GPS and music) are allowed while driving.

          • Anonymous :

            Texting while driving behavior also fits into most state’s careless driving laws and can be punished that way. Though specific texting while driving statutes often punish more harshly than careless driving.

          • Anonymous :

            That may be true re careless driving, but where I live that just wouldn’t be used as a reason to pull someone over even if the person is clearly not driving with full concentration and making other violations like crossing lanes and speeding. We just don’t have the officers on the street to enforce it, and people know it.

            (You might get it tacked on if you cause an accident while texting, but the people choosing to text don’t seem to care much about that risk of causing an accident anyway so I’m not sure an extra line on the ticket would stop them.)

      • I had someone almost run me over while pushing a double BOB jogging stoller that was blaze orange (to non-parents: this thing is the size of a smart car, so not sure how you’d miss it when I am in a crosswalk at an effing traffic light), so my issue is that drivers are generally inattentive (I do not think that moms or working moms are worse, all people are awful these days). I tell my kids that the drivers on our street are NOT watching the road, esp. for them, and to be extra careful while on foot.

        And I drive a minivan.

        • Agreed. Distracted driving is an everyone issue – and it’s killing and injuring thousands of people annually.

  2. Anonymous :

    I have one unicorn button-down that fits me well. This week I realised why: it has back darts but no front/bust darts, which is perfect for a slim A-cup with, er, ample rear. Has anyone seen a button-down on the market with these precise tailoring details? The brand that made my unicorn is no longer active.

    • Anonymous :

      LE has woven school uniform shirts for teen girls that might be a good substitute. They look more work appropriate for some school admins that I’ve seen wearing them when they want to be in school colors.

      • Anonymous :

        How interesting — yes, it looks like the LE school uniform shirts do have these tailoring features. I’ll try them, thank you! Maybe I should never have stopped buying teen clothes!

    • I’ve had darts added by a tailor- I think it’s fairly easy; my mall tailor has you try it on and pins it so it’s comes out pretty perfectly. It can be hard enough to find the right front, and nice fabric…

  3. Anonymous :

    Venting! I’ve been dating a guy for a couple months. He cut his hand a week and a half ago, got it stitched up, and it got infected. I kept telling him to go to the hospital, but he wouldn’t until last night. I went with him after work, straight from work, still in my suit. Around 10 PM the ER decided to admit him. He’s having surgery today to open the wound up and clean it out. He’s also on IV antibiotics and may be there a few days.

    Anyway…he got pretty upset I decided not to spend the night with him because he has no family in the area. I made this decision because one, I had to be at a meeting at 7:30 AM. Two, I have pets to care for. Three, we haven’t dated that long. I’m not his long term partner or wife. I stayed till about 10:30 PM, then went home. I checked in over phone and text at 7 AM today, but I saw he posted an “I feel so lonely, having surgery tomorrow” status update on FB.

    I know he’s in pain. I similarly had a MRSA abcess infected several years ago. I had the same procedure done, and I was in the hospital for 3 days for IV antibiotics. I was alone, too. Maybe he’s just needy, but he made me feel pretty guilty about leaving.

    • He’s a jerk to make you feel guilty about leaving. Who has an adult sleep over in their hospital room because they are having minor surgery? I wouldn’t even expect my DH to do that and he slept over in the hospital room after each of our kids to help with the babies. Are visitors even allowed overnight for adults for minor surgery? I’ve literally never heard of that.

    • I left my husband of 29 years in the ER with a serious condition (bleeding ulcer) so I could run to work to talk to a consultant who was only available that day. He understood. Your guy is an adult and no harm will come to him from your going home to get some sleep and take care of your pets. He sounds needy and you shouldn’t feel guilty.

    • Triangle Pose :

      You should tell him all of this. Maybe this is an instance he needs more comfort than you do in the same circumstances and the rest of the relationship will balance out in that he’ll be more supportive when you need it or maybe he’s a man-baby and this relationship is always going to such that he expects you to take care of him without regards for your schedule/work/pet obligations. We don’t know. But I think a straight forward conversation with him may be enlightening.

    • My reply must have gone to moderation, but same. Don’t feel guilty.

    • I don’t play with people who post passive aggressive whiny status updates on FB.

      • To add, if he is this way now, it’s not going to get any better as your relationship progresses. He’s acting like a child. This result is his own fault – in no world is it acceptable for him to try to guilt you into staying at the hospital with him for something minor which is a direct result of being irresponsible about his own health.

      • Rainbow Hair :


      • turtletorney :

        this. the facebooking would have been the dealbreaker for me – whether your were right or wrong to leave.

        ps. I don’t think you did anything wrong at all!

    • My mom spent 3 days in the hospital with an infected cat bite. I went to see her a couple of times and sat with her for an hour or two each time. I did not spend the night. And she’s my _mom_. Granted, she didn’t ask or expect me to stay with her overnight, but I’m not sure I would have if she did. Staying in the hospital to get IV antibiotics for an infected hand is _boring_; it’s not dangerous. Company is nice but it’s not needed.

      • Anonymous :

        If this had happened to my husband, I probably wouldn’t have stayed at the hospital, truthfully. Part of it would be child and animal care, but I am also one of those people who does not see the point in sitting around while someone else is sleeping or otherwise not in need of meaningful assistance. I would have rearranged my next day to be there for him before he went into surgery – but if I couldn’t rearrange the early meeting, or if it was too critical to rearrange, my husband is the kind that would tell me to not worry about it. Because he gets it.

        OP, you have nothing to feel guilty or bad about and I would be peeved as well. Whether or not you want to keep going with dating this guy – up to you. I don’t do needy people, so I would wait a decent interval and then cut him loose.

    • Um, what? No. He’s a grown up, and this is a direct result of him not taking care of his own health in a way that likely would not have required surgery. I had an emergency appendectomy alone (though husband stopped in from 9-11 or so while a neighbor watched a monitor) because we have no local family and my husband had to be home with the kiddo and was not the least bit traumatized. Does he have NO friends locally?

    • The “I feel so lonely” post (if you mean he posted that on social media) would be a major red flag for me.

      • Yeah, I could see him being sad/disappointed you wouldn’t stay with him (although I probably would not have, either, in your shoes). But posting about how he’s “so lonely” is a different ballgame.

    • All the red flags here. No local friends? And he’s posting about it? And he failed to take care of his health like an adult? Boy, bye.

    • If it were the reverse, would you be upset? I’m only asking because I’ve been where this guy is, and it seems like the commenters here are pretty fast to “always blame the guy.” It’s pretty scary for anyone to be left alone in a hospital for an overnight stay, and no friends or family nearby (or close enough in relationships wise) to be there for you. The facebook post might be a bit over the top, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a sign of him being super-needy or whiny, unless it’s part of a trend.

      Also, I don’t think you’re a jerk for the decision you made, but I hope you mentioned your reasons for heading home to him and apologized about it. Some people need emotional support more than others do, and it’s not fair to expect that everyone is like you (a general you, not OP specifically).

      • Yea, I’m more in this place but I get to the same “end it” place – I cannot imagine leaving my husband in the hospital if he needed me there, and I would have felt that way 2 months in. It doesn’t sound like you’re emotionally connecting with this guy and I’d end it for that reason. A loved one who needs you shouldn’t inspire a vent over the fact that they need need you. In your mind over the timing, etc., sure, but not annoyance at your person. If you’re annoyed, he’s not your person.

      • Lana Del Raygun :

        Yeah, I don’t think it’s a red flag that he wanted you to stay. It’s a red flag that he *expected* you to stay, and even moreso that he’s being passive-aggressive about (posting on Facebook? really?) instead of saying “Sweetiedarlings, I feel sad that you didn’t stay with me.”

        I reread your post, and he expected you to stay in the *hospital* with him? I originally thought you meant at his place. What, on a waiting room chair? While he was asleep? I am *married* and I would not expect my *husband* to do that. I would feel all the warm fuzzies if he offered to, but I would definitely not demand it (and I’d probably send him home anyway).

        You’re his girlfriend. It’s not like you can make medical decisions for him. It would have been nice for you to visit him the next day before surgery if there was time (in a “wow, you’re such a nice girlfriend, I hope he really appreciates you” way), but expecting you to stay is really over the top.

    • I know there’s always a chorus of “dump him!” posters around here when any weaknesses of the menfolk are shared, but today I will lead or join the chorus. The ManChild thing is a life sentence I don’t think you want to volunteer for. It gets old really quick but it doesn’t ever go away. Ask me how I know.

    • He walked around with an infected hand — with a cut that was bad enough that it needed stitches in the first place — for a week and a half?? Does anyone else find that crazy? I know men are more like re avoiding the dr. — but I can’t imagine this is something with subtle symptoms — I imagine it looks bad and hurts a lot (right?). My thought isn’t so much about the whiny facebook post but long term — if this becomes a long term partner and then DH — are you going to manage his health for him like you will for your kids? I know lots of men require that but this seems crazy to me . . . .

    • My post in mod but – I don’t think you’re a jerk for leaving. However, if it had been you in his situation and posted about it here, the commenters here would tell you that the guy is a jerk for not caring about you.

      I agree with Triangle Pose that you two have a straightforward conversation about this.

    • You’re not in the wrong here. You went with him to the ER and stayed through his admittance and surgery plan. It was 10:30 pm and he was tucked into his bed for the night, with plenty of nurses on hand to help him and a cell phone to stay in touch with everyone.

      Touch and go situation? Stay. Pretty routine procedure? Go home at bedtime. There’s very little a visitor in a chair can do other than be in the way of the medical team.

    • Flats Only :

      All of this, plus the fact that it’s not like you would be in a position to make life or death medical decisions during his surgery. Consider also that the hospital may be a particular phobia of his. He may not act like child in other areas of his life. I had no idea my husband was terrified of the dentist, despite being married to him for 15 years when his teeth started to hurt (duh – no cleanings = root canal for some people), and he needed surgery and had to opt for general anesthesia, etc.

    • I’m in the UK and the only time you stay in a hospital when you aren’t the patient is when someone is dying. Seems so strange to me that anyone would even consider staying. The nurses would boot you out here at the end of visiting…

      • Anonymous :

        It has become more lenient here in the US for family to stay overnight and several hospitals in my area have pull out beds built in to each patient room.

        There are many instances here where it makes sense to have family stay overnight. When a child is hospitalized. No explanation needed. When an elderly family member is hospitalized, to help keep them from getting disoriented and provide assistance at night to call the nurse when needed, prevent falls and discomfort. When the loved one is severely ill or in the ICU and decisions may need to be made quickly or the ill person is unstable. Or when nursing care is so thin that your family members’ safety and comfort is severely at risk. More common these days, I’ll afraid.

        I have a severely disabled family member and when he is hospitalized he must have a family member there at all times because nursing care is inadequate for his multiple needs so family helps out. Also, the doctors and nurses make frequent medication errors (it’s true) and it takes several days to fix these. Also, the way medicine has changed means care team changes too often, so you have to explain issues every day. If we don’t do these things, while in the hospital my family member gets infections, pressure sores, aspirates, and has horrific pain and an increased risk of death.

        But the OP’s situation…… This guy is a real piece of work. Even if it was my husband and I loved him dearly, this behavior is unacceptable. He feels fine! He only is there to get antibiotics! I have already gone above and beyond and does he really think he should punish my pets and screw up my work when he could have seen the doctor days ago and his admission would not have even be needed?

        Let’s hope he learns some lessons from this. Probably not, so I’d probably break up with him soon.

      • Anonymous :

        Agreed — a lot of hospitals do not allow friends or family to stay overnight and have strict hours. The only exception is for minors. But regardless of the rules, even if you could stay, why should you? He needs sleep and you need sleep. You staying over does nothing and should not be required for a minor surgery. Plus, as you said, you were in constant contact with him — it isn’t as if though you weren’t paying him any attention or not giving him sympathy.

    • Echoing what other have said – (1) I know when I had emergency surgery to remove my appendix, my husband wasn’t allowed to stay over night, so if you’re feeling any guilt about this – don’t and tell him to get over it. (2) I’m not fully in the ‘dump him’ camp, but I have one foot there. Honestly, if you like the guy enough, I’d tell him, “when you posted that, it made me feel like crap. it really did. please don’t do that, or anything like that, again.” And if he does, then he should be removed from your life.

    • I sent my husband home after I delivered our child via csection so he could get a good night’s sleep instead of a noisy hospital.

      This guy is ridiculous.

    • Dump him. I don’t date actual children or man children. I have no patience for adults who can’t handle their own issues and expect someone else to take care of them (note, this is not the same thing as appreciating it when someone goes out of their way for you—showing appreciation is an adult behavior, expecting someone to drop everything to take care of emergencies that you created is not). It will only get worse, so get out now.

  4. Anonymous :

    I like the shape of this dress, but I think the hanging ties would get annoying, move when walking, and be in the way.

    • Triangle Pose :

      Agreed. I think the tie keeps the dress from looking polished.

    • I don’t think they hang long enough to be a problem. Ties like this are excellent for distracting from/disguising a little belly.

      • Triangle Pose :

        Really? I always think that ties like this draw attention to the belly more than distract. I think a peplum when you have a small belly might be better because the top is meant to lay like that so it’s not obvious whether a little pooch is under there.

        • Anon in NYC :

          I agree. I always feel self conscious about belts/ties because I feel like they draw more attention to that area.

  5. While we're on the topic of minivans :

    I have a paid-off one. The new Odyssey sure is pretty.

    We are on the cusp of deciding for this summer/next school year to get an after school/after camp driver helper homework person (likely a college student or other PT person). If you’ve done this, do you keep a third car (and insure it and insure the other driver)? [This would permit carpooling and hauling of stuff and groceries and is just a bigger safer car (and only 8 years old, which in my family is practically new).]

    We’ve have a nanny driving rider on our workers comp policy for our regular sitter who has her own suitable car (and doesn’t drive them much).

    • driving nanny :

      Yes 3rd car for driving nanny. If your kids are getting close to the teen years, you may have a need for a 3rd car soon enough anyway, if that helps you justify it.

  6. Writing Sample- 8 year lawyer? :

    A headhunter contacted me about a job. I provided her with my resume and referenced. She also requested a writing sample and gave no indication as to what I should provide. My practice area is insurance defense litigation. I have drafted two briefs for the appellate level- so I plan on send one of those. Otherwise, what do I send? A motion I drafted? Thanks!

    • I would tailor the sample to the new job. If the new job is lit + appeals, an appellate brief is good. If not, summary judgment, Daubert or something else major. Also, I would choose something that you won, and include prefatory statement saying that you won and below is an excerpt of the brief.

    • I think I’ve said this before, but pay attention to and spend time on your cover letter. That’s more of a writing sample than anything else and thing I’m definitely reading. For the actual sample, keep it short and interesting/ easy to follow. It doesn’t matter what it is (letter, brief, memo, etc.) as long as it’s crisp and easy to understand.

  7. Pediatric Cardiologist? :

    Our pediatrician detected a slight murmur and possible arrhythmia at my 5-year-olds last annual exam. We’re headed to the pediatric cardiologist next week. When I set up the appointment, they said it would last up to 3 hours long. Has anyone been through this and have tips for making it as pleasant as possible for my son? I’m freaking out of course, but trying to keep it together.

    • Anonymous :

      There was a discussion about this on the moms s i t e earlier this week. Best of luck to you and your kiddo.

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      Project calm as much as possible, and bring toys and snacks for the wait. My sister had to see a neurologist when we were kids, and I got dragged along. Hospitals are booooorriiiiiiiing, even for the patient. If he finds it frightening, see whether your hospital has fun kid activities, like Doll Hospital Day, to get him used to interacting with all the staff.

    • Post on the mom’s site. A regular poster there just had an appointment with a pediatric cardiologist at the beginning of this week.

    • Anonymous :

      I have a cousin with a murmur and it was NBD. His mother hates football and this was an excuse not to participate (but he hunts and is very outdoorsy, so not really life limiting).

      If your kid likes science, maybe it will help him like to understand what is going on in his body.

      I have a kid with a chronic health condition (not life limiting) and one who has been to the ER a couple of times and they are very fascinated by all health things now and get curious about everything (which is an immense help). Amazon sells anatomy coloring books for people in med school and we’ve had those for a long time in our house and my children like to flip through them (never used as coloring books). Maybe that will help spark curiosity and normalize whatever is happening?

    • My DH has a heart condition from childhood and due to its rarity, he saw a pediatric cardiologist up until he was like 29 (seriously! adult cardiologists had no idea what to do w him!). His doc had movies and fun stuff in the exam room to keep patients distracted and calm. Nothing worse than a nervous kid with a heart beating wildly out of fear to interfere with a cardiology exam!

      • +1. DH has a rare heart condition that did not manifest until he was in his 20s. His doc is also a pediatric cardiologist and will be for life. It always cracks me up when we go for procedures.

    • Fortunately, all of the major tests that they do to look at the heart for a new symptom like this are not painful and might be kind of cool for some kids. Ultrasound/echocardiogram is comfortable, relaxing, Mom can be right there. Same for EKG.

      The main thing will be the boredom from being in a doctor’s office and the wait. Agree with snacks/toys/treats.

    • I have a minor heart issue for which I’ve been getting monitored since I was a kid. Not sure what is on deck for you during this appointment, but mine usually take 3 hours because I have to get an echo, then maybe some other tests, then wait for them to come back, then see the cardiologist once she has had a chance to look at the test results. The wait itself can be the worst part since it can be long and boring–definitely bring snacks and stuff to do in the interim. Agreed with those above who recommended turning it into a fun science activity. If he is getting an echo, it can be pretty cool to see your heart up on screen and he may be able to get into a frame of mind to enjoy that. And most of the tests are not particularly invasive or painful.

      Try to stay calm. I know it can feel scary but most of these conditions are NBD, it’s just a matter of monitoring–for example, my condition is very dangerous if you don’t know about it, but if you’re monitoring, you can catch any issues well before they get out of hand and fix it with a minor procedure. It’s lucky that you’re looking into this now because you’ve greatly decreased the chances that your son will have serious problems as a result.

    • I too have a murmur + minor arrhythmia though detected at age 19 in college. So these appointments take 3 hrs bc you’ll probably have an echo for the murmur and then wait for a dr. — hopefully your dr. — to be able to sit down and review the 30 min of echo film. EKGs are quick. They may (or may not) do blood work since it’s the first appointment and if the appointment is at a hospital, they may want the bloodwork results to come back as well. The actual appointment with the dr. will be last. So yeah it’s about keeping a 5 yr old busy as you wait between things. IDK how it works in pediatrics but I know at my appointments, I can leave in between. i.e. get the echo etc. and my dr. appointment isn’t for 90 min, I am allowed to leave and typically go walk around the university campus etc. So it’s possible you can take him outside, to the cafeteria for a snack etc. (don’t get anything caffeinated bc the cardiologist will listen to his heart and needs to hear the natural rhythm, not what it sounds like after a soda or chocolate).

      Also easier said than done but don’t panic about this. LOTS of kids have murmurs that are outgrown. Some obviously don’t outgrow them — but in that case they just keep monitoring you — every 6 months/every yr etc. to make sure that murmur isn’t causing other heart problems. Same with heart rhythm things — if it isn’t causing other problems, they tend to leave it alone and just monitor it. So best case for this appointment is that you leave with them saying — go live your life, we’ll see him back here next yr.

    • As a kid who spent a ton of time in the ER, my mom was AWESOME at busting out a surprise toy, usually later in the visit. It was often something small (a new outfit for Barbie or a small LEGO set), but man, it made me very excited to be at the doctor. She also had all the other tricks (special snacks, juice boxes, stories), but the fact that she would bust out something _amazing_ toward the end of the visit when I was really close to losing it….clutch. I only got the toy if I didn’t cry or make a scene too–it was not a given.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I just had this appointment! Hi!

      I was scared so I barely talked to anyone about it. Spoiler: it was absolutely fine.

      Here’s how it went: it took us ~45 minutes to get there, but we allotted extra time (SoCal traffic!) and got there about 30 minutes early. Waiting room was awesome. Super clean, really cool toys, Toy Story on the TV. They didn’t call us in until about 40 minutes after our appointment time, but eh, I’m used to that. Thank goodness for TV and new toys.

      Nurse first. Weight (kiddo lost it here — she gets intimidated by the scale) and height. Then an attempt at blood pressure. She just could not get herself calmed down enough to do it. Oh poor kiddo. She wasn’t being naughty she was just absolutely terrified. The nurse tried both arms and both legs and gave up. I think an older kid who can understand a bit better would handle this just fine.

      Then to the exam room. Another person (PA?) gave her an EKG while she sat on my lap. The woman was so nice and good at her job. She started with a sticker on Kiddo’s arm just to show her it didn’t hurt, and we counted the stickers and talked about the colors and everything. “Now it’s going to make a bunch of beeps!” etc. Pretty painless.

      Then we waited for the doctor. He was also great — really good at talking to kids. He listened to my heart first to show how it wasn’t scary. He listened to her this way and that way, front, back, lying down (lying down she had the hardest time with — she hates being out of control). He asked a bunch of questions about her general health — can she keep up with other kids, does her skin change colors, etc?

      And then he told us it was nothing. Absolutely nothing. No further tests, no follow up, just keep doing what we’re doing, and if anything gets weird, then we can go to the doctor.

      Then we went back to our neighborhood and got ice cream.

      • Never too many shoes... :

        Rainbow Hair – so glad to hear it was all ok and it sounds like your daughter handled it super well all things considered!

    • Thank you so much to everyone who responded. I’ve now got secret toys ordered from Amazon and a renewed commitment to putting on my game face. Rainbow Hair – I can totally relate to not talking about it. They only person I’ve told IRL is my mom.

      • Our daughter was under the care of a pediatric cardiologist for the first 3 years of her life, but thankfully her heart defect closed without any intervention needed.

        Maybe walk him through the process before the appointment? I find with my daughter, if I prepare her about 1-2 weeks before and explain what the doctor’s doing and why, show her pictures / videos of the equipment and procedure. she’s a lot more calm and even eager to chat with the doctor come crush time.

  8. Lana Del Raygun :

    I would call this high-waisted, not an empire waist. To me, “empire waist” means it’s loose below ~ the band of your bra, whereas this is fitted to the bottom of the sash. Is that wrong? I’ve categorically avoided things called “empire waist” because they have such a strong “hiding pregnancy” look on me, but if I’ve been excluding things like this I’ll definitely cut that out.

    • I think it would look more like a traditional “empire waist” if the sash weren’t wrapped around and tied closer to the model’s natural waist.

    • I would not consider this to be empire waist. Empire waist is loose everywhere except under your bra.

    • +1 – Traditional empire waist reminds me of the costumes in Emma – fitted right under the bust and then flowy from there. Not super flattering to my body type.

  9. Just a warning that I ordered 3 eShakti dresses at one time w/ custom measurments (same measurements for all 3), and the dresses arrivedin wildly different sizes. I ended up returning 2 out of the 3, but it was not easy bc you have to send overseas, and they dont refund the custom sizing charge.
    Sad because the dresses looked nice on the website, and it’s a good idea. Just poor execution :(

    • Helpful. Thanks for this.

      Honestly, how in the world can a custom dress be manufactured and delivered to us for $58? Just….. impossible.

      What we want is just not realistic.

      • +1. I saw the eShakti website has a disclaimer that they treat their employees well and their lavatory facilities are up to code…

        But I find it hard to believe the company makes much of a profit if they pay fair wages and ship custom clothing to us from India to America.

        • … they specifically said their lavatory facilities are up to code? That’s weirdly specific …

          • This may be a foreign country thing. I review a lot of supplier codes of conduct, including many that are drafted in and tailored to the laws of foreign countries, and many of them have requirements about the requirements for the lavatory facilities we provide our employees.

          • Oh I’m sure they do, it just seems weird that that’s the thing they focused on. Not, like, decent hours, frequent breaks, etc. Just bathrooms.

          • Flats Only :

            It’s an India thing. Do some googling on efforts to modernize bathrooms and their usage there, and you will see why up-to-code restrooms are actually a huge perk.

    • Coco Chanel :

      As counterpoint, I ordered a custom dress from eshakti and it fits my long-waisted, small-busted, pear shape beautifully. I was super impressed.

    • I believe they’ve changed their policy and now do refund return shipping. I’m a huge eShakti fan. I have encountered some inconsistent sizes in standard sizing but it’s worth the hassle of returning to get well made, washable, modest, customizable workwear with POCKETS at a price I can afford. I don’t know anywhere else where that’s possible.

  10. Paging red pants :

    Uniqlo has wine-colored leggings with a pretty tonal leaf pattern. I just received the black version, and I really like them. They have a reasonably mid-to-high rise, although I wish they were cut more full in the behind. I think they are even longer than the site says (but I have short legs, so it’s hard to be sure).

    I don’t know if it will meet the exact needs of the OP, but I recall there were several people interested in red/burgundy pants on an earlier thread. I’m really tempted to get then in a second color myself.

    Can’t get a link to work, but search “Morris”, as in, William Morris.

  11. Am looking for everyday booties (black) that with <1" heel, round toe, and super-comfy (no hard sole). Seen anything?

    • Same but almond toe for me.

      • Price point?

        If you can splurge, and want something classic that will last for years and is weatherproof…. Aquatalia. Very comfortable.

        25% off with code. 4% more off with Ebates.

        These are classic.

        • I bought these! From Last Call. About $200 :D They are still selling them, though limited sizes! Plus, 2″ heel

      • Lucky Brand

    • I just ordered the Toms deia booties. Will report back when they come in, but they seem to fit your requirements :)

    • I have a blondo pair that I LOVE – I got them at the end of last winter and theyre super comfortable, stylish, and waterproof. I wore them on tho 14+ hour days on my feet at a conference on concrete floors last week, and I was perfectly fine. Just remember to size up!

      • I LOVE LOVE LOVE my Blondo booties. Waterproof and comfortable as F, the week after I got mine, I wore them trapsing around Tokyo in January and they were extremely comfortable. They’re probably a little more than an inch, but not much.

    • Ugg Bruno

    • Try Clarks if you have that option

  12. Quebec City :

    To the commenter seeking recommendations for Quebec City — just catching up on old threads, but I strongly, strongly recommend Le Clos Saint-Louis for a hotel. Charming, comfortable, unique, and a perfect location.

  13. Date night outfits :

    What is your go-to date night outfit (fall/winter recs preferred)? Hubs and I usually go casual, think top/skinny jeans/booties for me, but I’m looking to step it up sometimes. My closet is limited right now, so looking for shopping ideas! Thanks!

    • In summer, I wear dresses. For fall/winter, jeans/booties/leather moto jacket.

    • Always a dress or skirt because hubby likes them and I like to play up the girl thing (on dates not at work)

      • This. I’m actually usually a pants girl but DH loves me in a skirt so I’ll often do a skirt for date night (so rare with three kids!) Old Navy has inexpensive casual dresses that go great with booties.

    • Leather leggings and a longer top/sweater.

      It’s a good in-between from jeans and a skirt/dress.

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      I am all about the sweater dress + leggings/tights. I highly recommend a slip, to keep the dress from riding up on the tights, plus it feels kinda fancy.

  14. Sloan, how are you doing today? Hope you either felt a lot better or found the care you needed.

    I just wanted to thank everyone for the measured answers to my question about aging and clothes yesterday. It made it clear to me that I need to set a dang clothes budget. I also realized that between (1) turning 30, (2) listening to things my mom and aunts are saying as they hit their 60s, and (3) watching four close friends lose husbands or parents in their 50s/ 60s this year, I’ve been developing a lot of fears of getting older, but not spending any time questioning them. I will be using my trusty CBT techniques to try to find some healthier thought patterns about getting older.

    Thanks for helping me figure that out.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      <3 I love this follow up. You're doing great.

    • Triangle Pose :

      Wow. Such an insightful follow up. I realize this is something that is also manifesting in weird ways for me.

      • I have a good friend who has a lot of anxiety about this and always justifies short term decisions that may not be the best as ‘I could die tomorrow!’ But the thing is that while yes, you could, you could also end up an old lady with no retirement cushion or place to live, bad skin from tanning and smoking and all sorts of other issues.

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      You said you wanted to “make an alternative narrative,” and to that end I have a book recommendation:

      You might like “The Lost Art of Dress,” which is about the women who used to work for the USDA (!) teaching women about fashion and dressmaking (as part of a bigger home ec bureau), and one of the things that really struck me about their philosophy is that when they talked about “clothes that are appropriate for older women” they meant “the awesome sophisticated clothes that you deserve now that you are a boss lady with a solid career and/or family and also hella dignity,” not “here’s a boring dress, now please disappear, you crone.” It was a totally different way of thinking about dress and aging from what I’m used to seeing in contemporary culture, and it allayed a lot of my fears about getting older and when my body will/won’t “look good.”

      • Moonstone :

        I really liked that book.

      • This sounds AWESOME. Thank you :)

      • chicago pixie? :

        Thanks for the book rec – looks fascinating. Just ordered it.

      • Nudibranch :

        Yes! Another book recommendation that sounds quite similar is the vintage gem “A Guide to Elegance” by Genevieve Antoine Dariaux. This was originally published in 1964 when fashion was very different, but is a blast to read. Her audience is very wealthy older women. It is fun to read and compare then and now. A lot of her advice (quality vs quantity; and the importance of fit, good quality accessories and jewelry still are relevant today).

        OTOH, there’s this book, “The Grownup Girl’s Guide to Style” which may give you some ideas. On the whole, I found her advice limiting and joyless, but some of it was worth consideration.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I’m…not feeling better but not doing worse. My lungs are hurting very, very badly but nothing emergency level. My question was more “If I end up needing it where do I go,” not “I need an ER,” sorry for the confusion! I’m also about to pass out I’m so tired which is going to need to be fixed soon but can’t be at the moment. :/

      • Ugh, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope that you get a chance to rest very soon and the conference is at least not terrible. Feel better soon.

  15. Anyone else experience this — after a series of career disappointments that aren’t unheard of (not making partner; laid off; landing a well paid in house job that I hate), I have gone from the type of person who LOVED work and couldn’t care less about money to one who couldn’t care less if my work even gets done and just cares about FIRE (financial independence/early retirement). It’s like somewhere in my heart I’ve decided I’ll never have a good job that I like again, so might as well just look out for $. Being under age 40 though rationally I realize I shouldn’t live like this and should try to find something I like. Problem is as I’m thinking about getting out there with a few initial networking meetings, I know people will ask about current jobs and future goals and all I can think is – uh $1 mil net worth? Which I obviously can’t say. Thoughts?

    • Stop reading Mr Money Mustache and other finance blogs and start living your life. Yes, sure, save. You know what makes that easier? Meaningful work you work hard at.

      What are you doing now?
      In house- it’s been really great to try out a different facet of the profession.

      What do you want to do next?
      Well I’ve developed skills x y and z so I’m looking for a positio utilizing them.

      Stop throwing yourself a non stop years long pity party. You had a good run at partner. You have a good well paying in house job.

    • What do you want to do with your time after early retirement? If you haven’t figured that out, I suggest you focus on that part of your life for a while and start doing the hobbies/side hustle/whatever that you’d want to pursue in early retirement. Also, check out the threadjacks that Kat linked to in yesterday’s post about not making partner.

    • I don’t have a script for you, but that sounds hard and tiring. Hugs if you want them from an internet stranger.

      One possible thing is that when I get depressed I always feel trapped and look for an escape. FIRE has sometimes been that escape. If that’s happening for you, maybe it’s worth looking at depression as a root cause and working on that / the trapped feeling? A happier job searching script may come out of it.

    • Nearly identical situation, nearly identical reaction. It’s hard to want to think about a job long-term after you have thad two experiences where you probably felt like your loyalty to an employer wasn’t reciprocated. I agree that focusing on why you want to retire early makes sense, and for me focusing on building up emergency savings really helped me get over the anxiety dreams about losing my job again.

    • Anon in NYC :

      Something along the lines of:

      “I’ve gained some valuable experience at X. I’ve learned a lot about Y. But I am interested in going back into private practice because I want to do A, B, and C. I think my time at X will provide some useful insight when working with clients.”

      If you can’t personally think of the benefits of X or Y off the top of your help, just list what other people would see as the benefits of your job.

    • There must be some happy medium, no?

      I have never had a job I LOVED. But I don’t hate my job. The people I work with are pleasant, my boss is a great mentor, the work is 50/50 boring and interesting, and the hours are good. If you’re in one now that you dislike so much you don’t even care if your work gets done, I would suggest looking elsewhere and focusing on the culture of the places you interview at.

      As for goals, I’m not in big law so “make partner” isn’t a thing for me. When asked about this, I tend to say things like, “challenging work” which is nebulous, but I genuinely don’t have career goals per se. I don’t have a specific job title or progression I’m interested in pursuing. I’m not like, “GC by 40 or bust!”

      By all means, retire early if you want to, but don’t keep working at a job that makes you miserable while you’re saving money to get to your retirement goal.

    • This was SO ME after practicing law in different venues and generally ranging from “i hate this i hate this i hate this” to “meh.” Some days I spent hours reading old MMM posts just to focus on something other than hating my job. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with FIRE if the extreme frugality works for you.

      Now, however, I find myself in a job I love in a place I love even more and I wonder how I’ll ever manage to retire–not because I can’t afford it (although I can’t–and I took a big pay cut to take this job) but because I can’t stand the thought of not being a part of this great place. I’m only 39, but I already think I might be here for the rest of my working years. Interestingly, I kind of hated it for a few months until I felt like I’d really settled in. FWIW, I left law completely and moved into nonprofit HR, though I still do some pro bono work on the side.

      I know I’m lucky, and that it might not happen for everyone, but it’s certainly possible to go from FIRE-obsessed to work-happy. I hope it happens for you (or that you’re super-successful at FIRE, if that’s ultimately where you land)!

    • For me right now all I care about is the money and the commute. Basically because I have several bills to take care of so that is priority number one. Once that is taken care of I will start thinking about meaninful work. But for now I am strictly goal driven. I find a way to be happy in any job. Even if its just the fact I have ear buds :)

    • It sounds like you’ve had a lot of disappointments, and you’re struggling to figure out who you are in the wake of those disappointments. You don’t have to decide you’re never going to find work you love again; you will or you won’t, but creating that narrative for yourself will only make you miserable now. I’m a person who has always drawn a huge amount of satisfaction from work, and it sounds like you are too, but work won’t always be able to give that to you. Even in a job you love, there will be down times. In a sense, it’s like any other relationship.

      I guess I’d suggest that you think about who you are when you’re not working. What do you love? What gets you excited? What do envision yourself doing after that early retirement? Do those things now, to the extent you can. You don’t need to wait for someday to be happy; you can be happy now. Because as I know intimately, as someone who once came very close to losing her life, you only get this – this chance, this day, these people, this world, this one wild and precious life. Any world to come, any next incarnation – that’s not this, that’s different.

      It sounds to me like you’re trapped in unhappiness and you don’t see a way that things can be better. But is that fact, or is that a self-protective mechanism you’ve developed because you’ve been hurt and disappointed, and you don’t want to be again? I get that. I’ve been there. But that can trap you for years, and you can lose so much. Give yourself the gift of now; figure out who you are without this thing. It’s hard and scary, but the alternative is the way you’ve living now, and I can tell you know that isn’t where you really want to be.

      • Anonymous :

        OP here – helpful but I don’t know how to do any of this and while it’s always the top suggestion on this board, I know I won’t go to therapy to talk this to death as that’s not my style and I think it’ll be a waste of money. As for what excites me – it used to be work and the satisfaction you had coming home from a long day. While people say – find a hobby – rock climbing or running or TV don’t satisfy me nearly the same way that work used to. As for things I want – I minimally want my own business – not a law firm but no idea what – and in large part I want that so I won’t spend 30 more yrs playing the part of someone who works hard and doesn’t get promoted, gets laid off etc.

        • I went through a phase like this a few years ago, and one of the things that I found really helped was writing some ideas out for myself — and really trying to imagine what my life could be like. (Kind of like self directed therapy I guess). And this sounds like a weird thing (and it may be too woo-woo for some) – but I really like the vision/goal setting templates that Lululemon puts out.

          This isn’t the exact template I used, but is similar:
          (link in next post. search for “lululemon goal setting” if mod eats the link)


        • pugsnbourbon :

          If you don’t think traditional therapy would be helpful, what about a career coach? At the very least, they could help you come up with good answers for those questions about your goals. If if you post a general location, I bet people would chime in with suggestions.

          • Anonymous :

            +1 to the career coach suggestion.

            OP – if you’re the poster who moved from NYC to DC after a year of job hunting and who has posted a variation of this question at least 5 times over the last year (if not, please ignore): You are already talking this to death in your own head and on this board. In each of those posts, people have offered up thoughtful, actionable suggestions, and you reject all of them. (I’m happy to see you’re starting to network though.) Therapists have the tools to help you get out of this pattern.

        • You have to enjoy something else in your life besides work. Do you have friends and family? Do you enjoy reading? What did you like to do as a kid?

      • PS – cbackson recommended “Designing Your Life” a while back, and I just started reading it. It looks like it can be really helpful for figuring out these kinds of questions.

  16. I don’t own booties. I own tall boots that have seen better days and then a bunch of Mary Jane pumps and some low and high heeled Oxford shoes. I’d like to start looking for a pair of booties for fall/winter.

    How do you wear booties with skirts and tights for work? Are you looking for a sleek bootie? Should it be tight or loose around the ankle? Would it look stupid on a plus sized tall lady? I also prefer to wear a low heel. Will that make it look too casual for work?

    I have all the questions. I tried searching for the look online but all I’m finding are waifish bloggers standing “adorably” pigeon toed. I’m looking for a realistic work look.

    • It depends a bit on your style, and what your workplace is like.

      First, do you see others who are similar in age/seniority wear booties at work? How do they style them?

      Personally, I like a bootie with a heel for skirts, and tight around the ankle. I keep them simple, sleek. Some on this site like a dip in the front,. I don’t care for that look, especially with my more tailored workwear.

      I look for a bootie that is monochromatic, that will match the color of tights I wear most. So most likely, black for you.

      I would invest in another pair of tall boots, which I find more versatile. Perhaps wait until black friday or after Xmas sales and get a classic pair. They work better with skirts if you want a low heel/flat heel.

    • SFAttorney :

      I suggest matching the color of tights and booties — black is easy. I’m seeing more booties that are a little close to the ankle, especially on higher heeled booties. But low heeled Chelsea boots (booties) also look good with many skirts. I’m tall, older, not adorably pigeon toed, and I often wear low-medium booties with skirts and dresses. Order a few pairs online (or bring them home from the store) and try them on with tights and various items from your wardrobe. You’ll find something that looks good!

    • I have the same questions. I feel like I’ve been waiting so long to figure this out that by the time I purchase a pair the trend will be over.

    • pugsnbourbon :

      My style is generally monochrome, and today is no different – charcoal gray dress, black tights (FLEECE TIGHTS) and black leather ankle boots. The boots are the Softwalk Frontier boot and while the heel is close to 3″, they’re comfy and very easy to walk in. I like that they have a simple silhouette.

  17. Posting again for more responses. I have an older car that i need to sell or donate. It’s worth $800 for trade in value, but $2000 blue book. It’s in good working shape but has lots of scratches and wear on the interior floor. What would you do? Normally I sell stuff on Craigslist but I worry that it might not last much longer since we got it in 2002 and I would feel bad.

    • Craigslist or another site for private car sales and advertise it as is. It’s on the seller to do the research and ask the questions.

      • +1

        Don’t know why you’d feel bad selling something to someone who wants to buy it as long as you’re honest about it.

      • +1

        When you’re buying a $1,500 – $2,000 car, you expect to get what you pay for. Some high school student could buy it and be very happy.

    • I would list it on Craigslist and post pictures that honestly show the condition of the car. Maybe ask a couple hundred under blue book value or be willing to accept a little under to account for the cosmetic defects. As long as it is in good working order now and you don’t make any guarantees about it’s condition then I don’t think you have anything to feel bad about. When I was a poor college student, I bought an older car for $1800 that didn’t look great, but ran fantastic and got me through both college and law school and my first few years as an underpaid public defender. (I didn’t expect the car to last that long, but was happily surprised when it did!)

  18. House Investment? :

    What are your thoughts on whether it is better to put a large cash amount (say, a bonus) into house updating/projects or to invest it. I am struggling with this question!

    • new job who dis :

      I think it’s smart to assess your house project honestly:
      will it make your life better? will it make your enjoy your house more? will it actually raise the value of your house? (maybe not the most important factor given the first 2 answers, but a bonus if it does raise value!)

      I personally LOVE my house and I love working on it and it really improves my quality of life, so I’d be inclined to do house project over investing :) even if it’s the wrong answer.

    • I mean, either one. It’s your money. Are these deferred maintenance projects, like a roof repair or repair the AC system? Those are expensive and could cause major problems if not taken care of. So yeah, prioritze those. For home renovation projects, be realistic about how much of that investment you will recoup while also thinking about if this is something that will make your life better. I think thre is a balance between effects on future resale and having the house you are living in make you happy day to day.
      How are the rest of your savings, assuming that house stuff is nice to have, but not necessary? Can you invest some and use some as a dedicated house update fund?

    • Betterandbetter :

      How I would evaluate that decision in a financial reward sense would depend largely on the time horizon of the investment. I guess it’s within the realm of possibility that you could realize the gain on a house reno sooner than another kind of investment. My personal preference is always to lean towards more liquidity, but that’s me. Another way to look at it is that you get to enjoy the house whether or not it’s a good financial decision and mutual fund investment for example is only enjoyable to some people if it does well (I am not one of those though. I find watching the ebb and flow of my portfolio FACINATING. But I have a really long time horizon for that money which is probably a factor)

    • I think this really depends on what your intentions are for the house and your other assets. Are you going to be living in this house for many more years and these updates will improve your daily life? Then update your house to be a better home for you.

  19. Mumbai anyone? :

    We are headed to Mumbai for about 9 days next February for a wedding. The wedding will be only 1-2 days of events. Anyone been recently and can recommend this highlights?

    I would like to go see Goa but looks fairly far.

    I would welcome any and all recs for restaurants, clothing/ houseware shops and any makeup/skincare brands.

    Thank you

    • Check out the Fab India store (chain so multiple locations) for great clothing, as well as houseware (I got some serving trays made with real lovely wood, coasters, and drooled over the drapes and many other things). Bought a bunch of cotton tops at different lengths that are very comfy.

    • Oooooh I love India!!!!! I haven’t been to Mumbai, but my absolute favorite store in the country is Anokhi and I’m sure they have a Mumbai location. They have gorgeous high-end printed textiles that are soooo reasonably priced. In Delhi there is a crafts bazaar/market that’s somehow affiliated with the state (so vendors have to be selected and rotate in and out and it’s more “touristy” but also not tacky) called Dilli Haat. I bought some amazing, great quality shoes, textiles and artwork for almost nothing. It’s worth looking into to see if there’s something similar in Mumbai.

      It looks like it’s a 10 hour drive from Mumbai to Goa, but also only $33 to fly between the two, so why not make a side trip? It’s GORGEOUS and I’m dying to go.

    • Goa is just an hour from Mumbai. You should go there.

      Go to Jodhpur or Udaipur from Mumbai. Spend 3-4 days there.
      Say 2 days in Mumbai.
      You still have 2-3 days in Goa.

      India has great Jewellery shopping. Go to Anokhi for the best cotton outfits.

  20. I have a Yeast infection and I usually end up spending $50 going to my OB with gas, buying a pharmacy pill/cream, plus co-pay. I want to get something over the counter. I have never done that before. Which is the best one to get? And does it really take care of it?

    • I can call the nurse’s line at my general practitioner and get a prescription called to my CVS over the phone. There’s a limit on the number of times they’d do this b/c they’d want to see me if the infections were chronic, but no issue doing it occasionally.

      Maybe you need a different (more helpful) doctor.

      Sorry I don’t know about OTC remedies.

    • I’d be careful of Monistat insert. I did it once because I didn’t want to go to my OB but omg the itching it caused. Think, standing in my work bathroom crying and trying to scrape the rest of the stuff out because it was burning/itching so bad. I guess it worked, but I’m doing the diflucan pill every time from now on.

      • This happened to me too. I assumed it was an allergic reaction and list it as such on my medical records. My OB is very willing to call me in a Rx after having treated me multiple times for a yeast infection (and I guess assuming I know what they feel like and will come in if it is still an issue after the Rx).

    • I’ve done the 3-day monistat before. It didn’t clear it up completely and it was AWFUL. So, so, so uncomfortable. For me, I’d pay just about any amount of money to get into my doc and get a prescription. Mine writes me a prescription with several refills at my annual exam now so I don’t have to go in each time it happens.

    • It sounds like this is something many women go through. I was not educated about this till very recently. I feel embarrassed to say. But I have been feel SO much shame surrounding it. But seems like you ladies have been through it many times?

      • Girl, it’s just a super-common medical condition! It happens to virtually everyone at some point in life (typically more than once). Would you be ashamed of having a cold? It’s no more serious than that.

        Personally, I’ve used Monistat 3-day and had no issues at all, but it sounds like others have had a harder time. My nurse practitioner told me to use 3-day but not 1-day; she thought 1-day wasn’t strong enough to fix the problem. I’ve also treated them with boric acid, but if you’ve never even tried general OTC treatments, I’d go to that first.

      • Anonymous :

        Nothing shameful about it. It’s super common. I get them from lube. Don’t be ashamed of your body or its natural functions.

        • pugsnbourbon :

          +1. I look young – thanks, acne! – so when I go to an urgent care for a UTI, they always beat around the bush trying to see if I know what causes them. I look them dead in the eye and say “I had s3x with my husband two days ago and now it burns when I pee.” No shame in my game.

  21. Sloan, I just saw your post from last night. I’m here—literally, at the conference!—if you need anything! <3

  22. San Fran This weekend :

    I will be in SF this weekend, please send me detailed ideas of places to go and things to do! Looking for recs on shopping, food, sights, etc.

    • Eat some pastry at Tartine.

      Eat some tacos in the Mission District (we liked Taqueria El Farolito, rec’d by a San Francisco friend).

      If it’s a nice day, roam around the Sutro Baths ruins.

      If you’re looking for a special occasion meal, The Progress was spectacular.

    • Anonymous :

      If you can snag a ticket, go see Beach Blanket Babylon. And non the kid friendly early show.!

  23. Please send recs for shopping, dining, sights and anything else that is amazing in San Francisco for me to check out this weekend!

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