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Updated: Sep 15, 2020 383 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Bell Sleeve Cashmere Sweater

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Happy Monday!

I always love a simple black sweater, and the ever-so-slight bell sleeves here look perfect — that rare combination of flattering, functional, and fabulous in that on-trend way.

I'd wear it with a brooch or a long, heavy pendant necklace.

It's $1,095 at Nordstrom. Michael Kors Bell Sleeve Cashmere Sweater

(L-all)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. DIY Hairstyle Advice

    I’m not sure what to do with my very long, mostly straight, hair for an upcoming anniversary dinner. Planning to wear 1.5″ plain hoop earrings, a fairisle sweaterdress, and tall boots.
    Any advice? I usually get help for special occasions, but that’s not an option.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve got similar hair and I’d just blow dry it and wear it down and straight. You don’t need a fancy do with a sweater dress.

    • Shopaholic

      Do you have a curling iron? What about big barrel curls at the ends? I think that always looks pretty on long hair!

      • Anonymous

        Well, I wear it down straight every day, so I’d like to do something else for a nice date. Curls might be fun, I know my hair takes curl well. I’ve never done it but I’ve meant to learn for awhile.

        • Suburban

          If you have the time and inclination, try the beachy/ropes curls that have been popular for a few seasons. I got a wand-like curling iron (no clasp) and they’re pretty fun with a little practice. Happy anniversary!

  2. new glasses

    Does anyone have a suggestion for a site other than Warby Parker for glasses online? I want something unusual (maybe oversized or angular or something). I’d love to hear places you loved and places to avoid, especially for a strong prescription!

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’ve been happy with Zenni. I’ve purchased from them twice. It takes a couple of weeks to get the final product.

      I haven’t bought any unusual frames, but they have a newer line that has more unusual frames like ombré coloring.

      • Anonymous

        +1. We have ordered from Zenni for my husband and teenage daughter and have been happy with them.

      • NOLA

        My computer glasses are from Zenni and I’m very happy with them. I can’t get my regular glasses from them (the prescription levels for Progressives don’t go up that high) but I wish I could.

    • DIY Hairstyle Advice

      It would darn well better be an exciting work of art! (And even then, no, I wouldn’t) But if I were going to, it wouldn’t be this boring black sweater!

    • asdf

      The very wealthy. I remember in my salad days, when 90% of my clothes came from Target’s sale rack, wondering what fool would pay $200 for a sweater. Well, 15 years later that fool is me.

    • Anonymous

      If I was rich, I totally would drape myself in expensive cashmere. But alas, I am not.

        • Lilly

          Me too. And my personal style is rather minimalistic and classic, so I like plain and avoid nonfunctional details most of the time. Love the sleeves, although even if I were very wealthy I don’t think I’d drop 1K on a trend. And hey asdf, some of the genuinely wealthy people (as opposed to those with a great cash flow – flows in, flows out) I know shop for weekend and basic clothing at Target.

    • S

      And I definitely wouldn’t go and stick a broach through a 1K sweater. (Cost per wear–1K?)

  4. anonymous

    I’m thinking of getting this belt and I’m wondering which color would be more useful. Probably black? I only have one other belt that’s burgundy in color, mostly belt pants as opposed to dresses, and my clothes are generally neutrals (navy, grey, black) or dark colors (dark green, dark red, etc)

    Help please?

    https://www.cuyana.com/shop/accessories/belts.html

    • Jeffiner

      Black. I wear mostly navy, with a lot of grey and black, too, with jewel tones as accent colors. I have a navy belt, but I get far more use out of the black one.

  5. D

    My heart is heavy today.

    All these marches across the world. Peaceful despite numbers.

    At least 2 reps from my state posted “fat women” jokes in response.

    • Anon

      I’ve seen some really nasty tweets and posts from people who should be supportive of the march (especially trans activists who are angry about references to female biology on the signs). It was making my heart heavy too, but we have to be stronger than the critics and the haters. This was a remarkable display of unity and power for women around the world and they can’t take that away from us.

    • Anonymous

      Reframe: They are so stupefied as to what to do in response to the largest civil protest in America’s history that all they can come up with in response are unfunny jokes.

      Will be interesting to see if their reactions change if they think their seats are at risk.

      10 Days/ 100 Actions

      • Anonymous

        argh meant – 10 Actions/ 100 Days

        Although what I mistakenly wrote would be kind of awesome ;)

      • Lana

        Thank you for sharing – it helped me remember to act today. They are encouraging people to send postcards to their Senators about the march and why. The Ink Cards app makes it super easy to do so (they have a Women’s March card). After spending $2 and 5 minutes writing my message, I have sent a card to my Senator. It’s that easy! (Also, I forgot to do this and had to edit it, but be sure to sign your card with your name and zip code. InkCards doesn’t send return addresses).

        Note – The Ink Cards app is a legitimate, safe app. I have used it for years to send postcards when traveling.

    • Marshmallow

      REPS? As in, Congressional representatives?????

      But agree with Anonymous at 9:30. That just means they were blindsided.

  6. CHJ

    Sad threadjack – I just found out that the wife of one of my former colleagues died suddenly. The funeral is this week, and I’m not sure whether I should go or not. I was work friends with the colleague while we were at the same company, but we haven’t really stayed in touch since I left (1.5 years ago). I feel like if the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t necessarily want former colleagues to come to a family funeral, but I also want to be supportive and show respect for his wife and his family. What is the best thing to do?

    • buzzkill

      I would go to either the funeral or calling hours, whatever is better for your schedule. I am sure he would appreciate that you came.

    • Anonymous

      Is there a viewing at the funeral home? Go to that. Convey your heartfelt condolences and leave. No need to hang around, mingle with the family, or go to a church service.

      • Walnut

        +1 I’ve been the family at several funerals and I am always truly touched by the people who take time to come out and offer their support. It can be a quick in and out for the visitor but it means the world to the family.

      • Torin

        +2

        I did the same for a former boss who died recently. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in over a year but had fond memories of him. I went to the visitation, spoke to his wife briefly, stayed for about 20 minutes, and left.

      • lawsuited

        I actually do the opposite for work colleagues, and go to the service but not the visitation. The visitation tends to be more intimate, plus it’s customary for family to greet everyone at the visitation and I don’t want my colleague to feel like they have to hold it together because I’m a professional acquaintance.

        • S

          Service can actually be the more intimate, especially if the person’s family is religious. “Visitation” means what it’s called. But still nice to show to either. If the concern is being too emotional, I think that’s likely with either. Truly no right or wrong here.

    • Merci

      It would be really, really lovely if you came. It wasn’t that long ago you were friends….

      He will never forget this kind gesture, and it will mean a lot to him.

    • Anon

      I posted a similar question last year about whether I should go to a colleague’s father’s funeral because I felt like it would be intrusive since I didn’t know her father and the advice I received was to go. I went and I am so glad I did. My colleague was so appreciative that I went. I think most people appreciate the support.

    • Jen

      I was raised to take a “when in doubt, go” approach to funerals. Unless it’s a private ceremony, of course. You don’t have to stay long.

      • Anonymous

        Go. As somebody who was recently in the same situation, I have such warm comfort from remembering the people, often unexpected, who came.

  7. Pink hats

    What are your predictions regarding the future of the pink hats? Will they be adopted for everyday wear, or were they a one-time thing?

      • Anonymous

        Seriously, this is a question. And to provide an answer, I bet they will stick around! It’s a nice way to start a conversation with a stranger.

    • Marshmallow

      I wore mine to work today! I didn’t see any others around NYC, though.

      • Anonymous

        Keep wearing it. You might inspire someone. I’m the Anon above who wore mine to work. A colleague said she wasn’t sure, so she didn’t but she’s going to because I did.

      • SuziStockbroker

        Someone said they wished she could knit because she wants one this morning, so I am going to knit her one! As soon as pink wool becomes available again, ha ha.

        • NOLA

          Someone said they wished she could knit because she wants one this morning, so I am going to knit her one! As soon as pink wool becomes available again, ha ha.

          • Senior Attorney

            Are you taking requests, NOLA? I didn’t march for reasons I can’t get into, but I’d love a hat!

    • Jen

      On this- my ignorant and trump voting (I firmly believe not all trump voters are ignorant- but this one is) mother knit both my girls (4,2) matching pink hats a few weeks ago, and I tossed them in the pile of “crap we’ll never use from my mom (neither of my kids are “pink” girls).” Then, I though better. I made sure to tag her in my FB photo of my girls wearing these silly hats at the march. I’m sure she was super annoyed.

    • Betsy

      I wore mine today. I don’t think I’ll make it my daily winter hat, but it’s definitely going in the rotation. Two of my coworkers went on a long rant of the “if people don’t like our president they should move to another country” and “what rights do women not have?” variety when I walked in wearing it this morning but I didn’t engage. It’s fascinating, because six months ago they were completely opposed to Trump, but as of today they seem to truly believe that the media is lying about him.

    • Ekaterin Nile

      I’m making my pink “I stand with Planned Parenthood” hat from the march on Saturday my everyday winter hat.

  8. Anonymous

    Who else marched on Saturday? I was in DC and absolutely blown away by it all

    • Anon

      I distributed some materials and posted about it, but I wish I had done more and actually attended in my area (put off by large crowds). Brava to all you brave women out there!

      • Cb

        Morning sickness is still kicking my bum so I wasn’t sure I could handle the standing and crowds but I’m really regretting it now.

    • Anonymous

      I was there! It was pretty amazing. I’m frustrated that the media has not covered this story as much as it could have – instead covering that Sean Spicer crap.

      • Anonymous

        This. I checked Fox News online a few times over the weekend and there was literally only one or two articles about the Marches. Eye opening to see the differences in coverage compared to NY Times and CNN.

        Watched it live on CNN when we got back from our own March.

        • emeralds

          I was there! So uplifting and inspiring. I looked at Fox on Sunday morning and wanted to throw my phone through the window. They said it was “largely peaceful” (uhh, the only person who got arrested in the whole US was a counter-protester) and that everyone should be ashamed of using profanity on signs in front of all the kids. Because Trump rallies were so polite and genteel…

      • cbackson

        The Wall Street Journal literally has no coverage of the marches in the news portion of the print edition today (the publish a combined weekend edition that arrives Saturday morning, so this is the first day they could have covered it). Just an op-ed about how there was no unified message. Honestly, WSJ skews conservative from an editorial perspective but the news coverage is usually evenhanded…I’m really shocked at this level of failure on their part.

        • Anonymous

          I hadn’t seen this. So disappointing. I’d expect better from WSJ – at a minimum on the reporting side even if they are not going to acknowledge it editorially.

        • nutella

          Call/write/tweet them! Say politely and simply that you are disappointed that a paper you have come to trust for evenhanded coverage could miss such a historical newsworthy moment and that you looked elsewhere for coverage.

          • anonymous

            +1. Please do this. The only way we can change anything is by speaking out.

        • Anon

          This. I was riding a huge high after attending in DC. I spoke to my parents (who live in a rural town in Northeast Ohio), and they were like “Oh, I heard a few people showed up in DC?” They read the WSJ for national news, and their local paper. They are well educated, informed, and engaged. My dad voted for Trump, and my mom voted for HRC. Their friends (doctors, lawyers, and educators) universally thought the marches were “sore losers,” and that they didn’t know what the point of the march was. I was speechless – but then went to WSJ, Fox, and my local paper. If your Facebook feed wasn’t full of protest pictures, and you take your news from those outlets, I can see how you’d miss it. It seems unfathomable, but it’s true.

          My mom keeps telling me – “this is how he won. My friends voted for him – they are tired of DC government, but they aren’t answering polling questions, they aren’t reading blogs, they aren’t on Facebook. They are well educated people who aren’t paying attention to the NY Times or the Washington Post, and they don’t trust them anyway – so when they read about the marches, they just assume it’s like the pollsters and pundits who predicted HRC would win in a landslide.”

          It’s disheartening, but I think there’s truth there. It’s also terrifying that there is so much distrust between the media and the white house, and more and more people are going to listen to the White House, which has already made clear they are presenting their version of the truth.

          • Anonymous

            I know this is not the point, but it’s worth noting that the pollsters didn’t really get the election wrong. HRC was polling right around +3 on Real Clear Politics’ poll average going into the election. She ended up winning the total vote by ~2%. It doesn’t really matter, but it does irk me when people said the polls were horrendously wrong, or that the LA Times poll, which predicted Trump winning by a couple percentage points was the “best poll.” Most of the polls were within 1 or 2 percentage points of the final result, which is well within the range of normal error, and the LA Times poll was off on the popular vote by 4 percentage points, making it one of the worst polls. It just happened that her lead was small in some states and those states tipped the election.

          • Anonymous

            Buy them a NY Times subscription! NY Times has been doing great work and had an amazing article on crowd comparison.

            If your Mom is an HRC supporter, add her to Pantsuit Nation -it’s been an amazing stream of pictures from all over the world. Especially loved the Alaskan women marching through snowstorms!

          • Anon

            Here’s what I don’t get. Your parents and their friends surely watched the national news. And they would have seen:
            1. An adult mock a disabled personal in front of a crowd
            2. A man spout clear racism
            3. A man advocate for war crimes
            4. An adult equate a women’s worth to her appearance

            And they STILL voted for him?! They stood with a bully when it mattered.

          • Anon

            re Anon above, to answer your question very honestly, the responses to those issues is that it was just “rhetoric” and they are “tired of the BS from politicians.” Generally, the sentiment is that we shouldn’t be so focused on being “politically correct,” we need to stop giving away all the US money, and make the US stronger. Fundamentally, that behavior mattered less than what they see as a chance to be the “best” again. Trump promised them he’ll fight to make them win again, and they want that. If anything his rhetoric shows that he’s not afraid of a fight.

            My parents’ friends (and at least according to Facebook) my high school friends firmly believe becoming more nationalist is better, and they appreciate that he is “already making changes, unlike the rest of the DC politicians” (see, the 3 executive orders signed). They hate how the ACA was passed, hate how expensive Medicare is, and are tired of paying so much in taxes. It was okay that Trump was out for himself pre-election b/c he was in business. He’ll apply that success to the US, and we’ll be “winners again.” HRC was “only out for herself,” which was bad because she was a politician.

            I (clearly) vehemently disagree with all of this. But I have a window into what people are thinking in the Midwest, which is largely how he got elected. And this is what is being said by the doctors, teachers, lawyers, and other middle to upper middle class individuals. The most insane part — during the election, in my rustbelt town, HRC was not really even a serious consideration or part of the conversation. My parents don’t know anyone (outside of my mom) who admitted to voting for HRC.

            Watching this happen, for whatever it’s worth, makes Hilter’s rise to power clear to me. The nationalist sentiment, combined with the angry desire to “win” and willingness to ignore the behavior of the person in power because he promises (angrily) to make things better for you. By the time the power gets out of control that people realize what they’ve done, it will be too late.

            My husband and I were talking this weekend about putting some contingency plans in place for when things start to get really bad in DC. We are planning to stockpile some cash, the kids’ documents, and think about investing in property elsewhere.

          • Anon

            re Anon OP

            Thanks so much for this. I can understand their POV, but at the same time, recognize the truth of your second-to-last paragraph, and that is the full-stop for me.

          • Anon

            Hey Anon OP:

            The thing that really confounds me is that what with all of their dissatisfaction with the politicians, when was the last time they overthrew their congressmen and senators?

          • Anon

            re Overthrowing, I don’t know. If I had to guess, I’d assume they’d respond that the representatives are really hamstrung by the President/executive office and governmental red tape, and they needed someone like Trump to clear the way for them to act as hoped.

            I read something recently that argued that Obama is very likeable, so it is hard to separate his likability from policies many Americans don’t like. I bet that would resonate with my father, for instance. I know he viewed Obama as an excellent speaker, and appreciated that he was passionate about his country and loyal to his family, but my dad hates the ACA, hates Medicare, hates government waste, and hates that he scrimped and saved to send my siblings and I to college and “kids these days” just want a free ride.

            So, going into the election, he really felt like HRC would be more of the same. He (and here I’m hearing his friends chime in as well) really wanted something different, even if that comes from a less than desirable individual. They respect business, and Trump is a businessman who isn’t afraid to p!ss people off and promised them change. That’s what resonated. My dad was mad that HRC was the dem candidate, as he felt that it was more evidence that DC wasn’t listening to the non-coastal constituency in the US. It will probably further confound you, but my dad voted for Obama in 09. Don’t know what he did in ’13.

            Here again, I really worry. I’ve heard assurances that the three branches of government will keep things from spiraling too far out of control, but I’m worried it will be clouded by this desperation for change at any cost. I think policies will have to go pretty far before people will realize how much they depend on the government, and hopefully it won’t be too late to pull back. I worry a lot of people will suffer while the country re-calibrates.

        • fyi

          Appalling that it didn’t make the print edition, but they did cover it online over the weekend.

        • Mpls

          It is on page 3 of my Midwest (print) edition, albeit downplayed and barely noticeable.

          • Mpls

            And I see that it’s printed below a much longer article on Sean Spicer’s media-bashing tirade. Unbelievable.

    • CPA Lady

      I marched in my purple town in a red southern state and I brought my toddler daughter and husband. I didn’t know what to expect at all, but it was nice. I kind of hope my daughter starts shouting “ka-la-la-ty now!” (equality now) at some point at daycare today like she did at the march.

    • Legally Brunette

      My 70 year old mom and I were there in DC! I was on the fence about going and so glad that I did.

    • Anonymous

      I marched in my small western city. It was very inspiring to see how many people came even though the weather was terrible and we’re in a very red state. I hope the momentum continues.

    • Marshmallow

      Also in DC, also blown away. So powerful. I was just awed by the sheer NUMBERS and the diversity of the crowd! Women, men, old, young, all colors, hijabi, veterans, queer, straight, trans, cis, etc.

    • ck

      Chicago here. It was packed. 250,000 people estimated by the Tribune in Chicago alone!

      I am actually a little relieved Trump didn’t spew out a bunch of offensive tweets afterwards.

      • S in Chicago

        Chicago, too. I was so proud. Seriously felt teary at some points seeing people of every color chant Black Lives Matter, seeing men chant for my reproductive rights. Just truly gave me hope again. Young and old together. I’ve got my hat ready to go again and extra poster board. After this weekend’s coverage, I have a feeling this won’t be the last time I’ll want them.

      • cbackson

        There’s actually a decent chance he’s no longer allowed to have a personal email device now that he is POTUS, which would cut back on that.

    • KS IT Chick

      I did, in Topeka, Kansas.

      I can’t say it was “fun” or “enjoyable”. I was completely engaged, and I was moved. I was physically exhausted when I got home Saturday evening, and I’m still in pain from joints that are unhappy about the abuse they took. The variety of speakers, from the Planned Parenthood representative to the disability rights activist to the transwoman who counsels at-risk teenagers to the gender-queer activist for sexual assault victims to the labor representative who is the first woman to represent a trade union in the local labor council to the state representative who is the first woman of color in the legislative leadership, were absolutely inspiring.

      In Red State Kansas, where the governor has been bought and paid for by corporate interests, we had around 4K people at the state capitol building. People from all walks of life, gathering in support of the idea that we are better together than we are apart.

    • ANP

      HOLLA! I marched with a huge girl gang that included my 7 year old daughter. I was and am still on cloud 9. Even these idiots making fat woman jokes…hahahaha, is that the best you’ve got? A rude joke? Your president is a rude joke! They’re intimidated and that’s the best they can do.

      I don’t know if anyone watched Aziz Ansari on SNL on Saturday night, but his opening monologue might be my favorite of all time. It ended with: “If you look at our country’s history, change doesn’t come from presidents. Change comes from large groups of angry people. And if Day 1 is any indication, you are part of the largest group of angry people I have ever seen.”

      BOOM.

      • Anonymous

        And John Lewis was there!!

        What did you do on Saturday? Not much, just a March with John Lewis!!

        So jealous!

        • cbackson

          …and the Falcons won the NFC championship the next day. Just another weekend in the crime-ridden Fifth District :-)

    • Amanda

      I marched in NYC. 500,000 people! It took me 3 hours to go 1 block, and it was totally worth it.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I attended the rally in Indianapolis. My mom and sister and a ton of my friends marched in my home city.

      It was awe-inspiring to be a part of this and really brought it home to me that I should have been out there a long time ago. It’s a continuation of the work of many, many women who went before.

      • ELS

        Indianapolis is my home city. I live elsewhere now, and marched in D.C. It was awesome, and inspiring. Like you, I felt like I was part of the history of women (and men!) standing up for what they believe in, engaging in direct action, and loudly declaring our values.

        But I was most inspired by the photos from Indy. I got home and started looking at coverage, and saw the IndyStar photos of thousands (thousands!) of men and women gathered, and I got choked up. My experience growing up there was very different than the spirit of the marches. To see 4,500 (the IndyStar estimate I last saw) gathered in support of equality warmed my heart.

        Thank you for being there. It’s restored a little bit of my faith.

    • Wordy

      Was in DC, so glad I made the trip. It was so, so inspiring to be in that amazing, diverse crowd, and I am hopeful that we can turn these numbers and turnout into action. (10 actions/100 days!)

      And then we watched Sean Spicer and it was SO demoralizing. The only positive thing I can muster is that we must have gotten under DJT’s skin.

      • Anonymous

        Absolutely. DJT cares a lot about being popular – let’s throw him off his game with constant reminders of how unpopular he is.

        Decided to take picture of my signs and use pictures of favorite signs found online to make into postcards to send into my reps. Kind of like a mini avalanche of signs.

          • Anonymous

            Just printed the pictures at Walmart and stuck a piece of paper on the back. Use a firmer piece of paper if you have it but I used regular printer/copier paper (cut to size) and it was fine.

            Printed and pre-stamped myself a whole stack so whenever I feel angry – I can write a quick note and pop it in the mailbox.

            Current fav science one: What do we want? Evidence Based Science When do we want it? After Peer Review.

          • Anonymous

            In case it wasn’t clear – for signs online, I took a screen shot with my phone and used that as the photo to print.

            Maybe there’s a better service/way but I was feeling motivated yesterday so I wanted to do it asap before it fell off my ‘to do’ list.

          • Excel Geek

            Postagram is a great app you can use to make postcards from pictures on your phone. I use it for my kids at camp, but this seems like a great use!

          • Lana

            Ink Cards is owned by the same people as Postagram and has a Women’s March card right now! You can add your own picture above the logo. I added a pic of my favorite sign.

    • Jo March

      I marched in Boston and it was so inspiring! “Angry feminists” are a trope in my workplace, so it was awesome to be surrounded on all by sides by the caring, passionate people who were there

    • af ds fdaaf d

      Marched in DC! It was amazing! Still feel like I can feel that positive energy today.

      Now if anyone at work asks what I did over the weekend? “uh nothing much”

    • Midwest Mama

      I just wanted to say that I am so inspired by all of you and proud of you for standing up and taking action. I was so disheartened over the weekend to see so many social media posts by my friends, mainly female and mothers, who didn’t “see the point” of the marches or didn’t think they were necessary because “what rights do women not have that men have?” UGH. I was really surprised at the viewpoint of some of my friends and started feeling like an outlier for being a liberal, pro-choice, wife and mother in my very red state. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not alone or overreacting in my thoughts and feelings towards the current administration and country in general.

      • Anonymous

        This could have been written by me! I live in a blue state but a very red part of it. I drove to DC with some other badass lady lawyers and was part of a great day in American history, while my relatives and classmates posted lame memes about how dumb they think the March is and proudly proclaimed how much they hate feminism.

        I’m holding my head high, but it’s going to be hard to ever look many of these people in the eye for a while.

    • Jeffiner

      I didn’t go to my city’s march, and I’m really sad I missed it. I live in a red city in a red state, but there was a HUGE turnout. I cried looking at all the pictures in my Facebook feed, I was so proud of my home.

      I didn’t go because Saturday was one of the two days in January we’re allowed to do field work at an archaeological site and the only day the weather cooperated. Another woman working with me said, “This has to be some form of protest, right? We’re women doing science!”

    • lsw

      Rode a bus with the steelworkers union to DC to march. (Pumped milk for my six month old at home with my husband all the way). Our mid-size city (Pittsburgh) had a march of 25,000, too. It was an incredible day.

      • ELS

        I went to grad school in Pittsburgh — one of my professors posted pictures/videos from the march there. They had some awesome signs, too!

    • anon99

      Marched in Philadelphia here. It was so reassuring to see how big our “bubble” is. Now I just hope we can keep the momentum.

      • Monday

        I also marched in Philly. It was so encouraging. I especially admired the diversity of the crowd and, as reports are saying from everywhere, the positive, proud mood. Way to go everybody!

      • In House Counsel

        Waves! Another marcher here in Philly. The mood was electric and I can only imagine how it felt in DC.

    • Anonymous

      I encourage everyone to follow through on the 10 days / 100 actions, as well. It took me five minutes to handwrite letters to both of my (very blue) Senators this morning. Then I posted the letters to social media with the hashtag #WhyIMarch. Four friends have texted to thank me for the reminder and tell me they’ll do the same. People need reminders and encouragement. There are low-effort ways to prove we’re still watching. The march was necessary but not sufficient.

      • Anonymous

        A friend on FB suggested we start an accountability group so we did. Just a small FB group of close friends where we post a note about what we did for our actions. Feels great to keep sharing and is definitely going to be good motivation over the next 100 days – hoping we all can complete all 10 actions.

        • ELS

          Thank you — the sister marches outside the U.S. made me very emotional. And that’s what I pointed to when the copy/paste “Not my march” thing kept circulating.

          • Anonymous

            Literally the whole world was watching. The map of sister marches on the women’s march website is so cool.

          • Anonymous

            There was one in Antarctica! That was when I got choked up. People literally marched on every surface of the Earth.

          • ELS

            There was one I saw photos of in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. I was and am proud to have been a small part of it.

    • SFAttorney

      I marched in San Francisco in the rain. Not surprisingly, a huge crowd and lots of support from bystanders. There does seem to be a lack of news on the totals in different cites and nationwide– you have to seek it out. I wasn’t aware of many negative comments until I saw the references and links here.

    • Anonymous

      I marched on Saturday in DC. This President does not have a mandate. Women, men and kids – all ages, races, walks of life were there. Grandmothers, people in wheelchairs, babies, siblings, religious, atheist, citizens, non-citizens.. I am inspired by the activism. I’ve never been somewhere where the crowd extends as far as the eye can see. A sea of people, most of them in pink hats. Everyone was polite and courteous. Including the cops and military police. I’m fired up and ready to go. This doesn’t stop here or now. If you marched or if you wish you had marched – get involved. Call and write your representatives. This is our country and we will not allow for our rights to be taken away.

    • Calico

      I marched in LA. They’re estimating 750k! It was overwhelmingly peaceful and positive and POLITE. I’ve never heard so many apologies for being lightly bumped in my life. Wish we could impart this civility into our morning commutes.

      • Parfait

        It was a fantastic day in LA.

        After it was all over, while I was waiting for my bus, an elderly homeless man said to me “Thank you for all the support out there today.” I just about cried.

    • Jules

      I marched in my small city in Ohio, double the number expected showed up. So exciting and empowering!

    • Ekaterin Nile

      I marched and it was wonderful! We had a YUGE turnout–almost 100,000!

    • KC

      I marched in DC. Got up at 2:30 , got on a bus at 4 am and was there by 9 am. It was truly a great experience. Just seeing all the crowds taking the train gave me such a boost of positive energy. I was only epxecting 200,000 people and we tried to go near the stage where the women were talking. By the time I looked back there were a sea of people. Got me scared and I moved back to the edge. But was so glad to see men, women, children march. Got the week started on such a high note and then see all the disappointing news coming out of the white house makes me think how we should channel all this energy we had in the right direction. Also, keep thinking how 53% of women voted for trump–is it religion, party or what……energized, bummed, confused and searching for answers……

  9. greenie

    I marched with my daughters in Providence and was so glad we all got to be a part of it. My 8 year old has been scared for females and her minority friends since Trump’s election (we hadn’t talked about it much at home- she heard it all in school), it was nice for her to see how much support there is against the hate that has spread in the past year.

    • Cb

      My husband’s cousin asked me “What are we supposed to do for four years? I’m 12 now, I’ll be 16 then!” What a question…. I told her that we should be kind, do the right think, and stand up for people who aren’t able to stand up for themselves but gosh…

      • Anonymous

        100 days / 10 Actions on the Women’s March website. 12 isn’t too young to make and send a postcard.

        • Anonymous

          12 is a great age to learn about civics, to make a public comment at a school board meeting, to organize a group of friends to do something, to write letters to your representatives.

  10. Clothing Expenditures 2017

    Ladies, it’s that time of the year again where we post our clothing expenditures for 2016 (includes accessories, shoes, etc.).

    Total spending on clothing in 2016:
    Percent of income (individual or household)
    Favorite purchase:
    Purchase you most regret:

    • Two Cents

      – $3242 (a 2K increase from the previous year, in part because I bought two suits for court and had to buy slightly bigger clothing post-partum)

      – 2% of individual income

      – Favorite purchases were Louis et cie leopard heels ($80, get constant compliments), Classiques kelly green midi skirt that makes me happy every time I wear the bright color ($95) and of all things, a fabulous white Victoria Secret one piece swimsuit ($75)

      – Most regret: 2 Victoria Secret yoga pants that are flimsy and too thin ($60), Stella and Dot jewelry that tarnished almost right away ($40)

      Goals in 2017 are to commit to regular exercise so that I can get back into some of the fabulous clothes I already own!

    • anonymous

      – $1508
      – 1.5% of individual income\
      – Favorite purchase was an etsuko dress from MM LaFleur in the tile color ($295)
      – Purchase I most regret was the Waverly skirt also from MM. I bought it on final sale ($95) without trying it on and it isn’t super flattering on me. Lesson learned, and I’m not buying anything final sale again unless I’m totally sure it works *sigh* I also kind of regret getting a 2nd pair of black suede kitten heels on super sale ($60). They’re awesome and I’ll totally wear them a ton, but I really just don’t need duplicates, with is another new rule for me.

    • Delta Dawn

      I love this idea– I didn’t keep a tally of what I spent on clothing last year, but you’ve inspired me to do so in 2017. I just created the note for it in my phone, and I realized I haven’t bought any clothing yet this year. But I HAVE spent $260 on home décor already. So maybe I’ll keep a list of those expenses too. I suspect I may spend more on “clothes” for our home than I do on clothes for my body….

    • Okay

      I’ll play.

      – $2600
      – 4%
      – Favorite purchase: Ted Baker leather tote ($200)
      – Most regret: cheaper fast fashion stuff from Express and H&M that I liked but not enough to keep, and now the return window has long passed…

      Goal in 2017 is to more promptly return items that don’t work for me

    • Torin

      Most regretted purchase: Girlfriend Collective leggings. I thought looking at them that they looked very high waisted, which is not a style I love generally and which is one I really dislike in my workout clothes. But friends raved about them and I thought “it’s only $20 bucks, such a great promotion!” and bought a pair anyway. And I hate them. On the one hand I feel like it’s a bit silly to be so regretful over a purchase that was so inexpensive, but on the other I feel like I caved to hype instead of listening to my instincts, and I hate it when I do that.

    • Never too many shoes...

      I am, as ever, astounded that people keep such close track of things. Or maybe I just don’t want to think about it since I bought an LV Artsy this year to the tune of #$3K. Possibly the latter.

      • Okay

        It’s very easy to track if you’re using Mint or an equivalent service. I just use a simple Excel spreadsheet. Clothing is the only thing that I track very regularly — I really like seeing how my purchasing has varied over these last several years.

    • Slow Fashion Advocate

      –$1132
      –2.8% of individual income (higher than average for me, but upgrading wardrobe for promotion to management position in a business casual environment)
      –Favorite purchase: Devonshire Dress in plaid from Mata Traders
      –Biggest regret: Textured Windowpane Jacquard Dress from J. Crew. Fabric is gorgeous but heavy, making the skirt flare out like Jane Jetson’s. I got a fantastic deal on the dress (eBay FTW), but will spend at least as much, probably more, to have it altered.

    • H

      I don’t have the numbers in front of me for how much I spent, but my biggest regret is high waist jeans. I bought two pairs in the last few months and am learning that high waist pants just don’t work on my short torso.

    • CHJ

      My husband and I have been on a big frugal kick for the past couple of years. These are the numbers for both of us (I can’t distinguish my stuff from his stuff on Personal Capital):

      – $651
      – 0.2% of household income
      – Favorite purchase: Gray skinny jeans from Madewell. I live in them on the weekends!
      – Biggest regret: Also Madewell. I bought a button-down shirt that shrunk 30% after being washed once, on cold/gentle, and hung out to dry. I don’t even know how that happened and I’m still so mad!

      • Jo March

        Is Personal Capital the budgeting/tracking tool you use? Would you mind sharing more about it?

        • CHJ

          It is! It’s similar to Mint, but I think it does a better job of tracking your investments and investment performance. I also find that it doesn’t get locked out of my accounts as often as Mint (with Mint, I felt like I needed to fix something every few weeks). It also seems to do a better job categorizing your spending accurately. For example, we have a grocery store nearby with “farm” in the name, and Personal Capital knew it was groceries and Mint categorized it as “entertainment.”

          The downside to Personal Capital is that it doesn’t do budgets. You can track your cash flow, but if you like to have a budget and monitor it on a daily/weekly, Mint is better. Personal Capital also offers an investment service, but I don’t use that.

    • Anonymous

      $400 this year, which was a concerted effort just to replace things that wore out rather than acquire new clothes. I replaced two pairs of flats, a pair of work pants, three new work shirts, a bathing suit, and a few vacation items that were looking worn. I’ll likely spend more in 2017 since I am actually wearing out clothes now, but I’m pretty happy that I’ve gotten a lot of use out of what I already own as a result.

      0.2% of income.
      Favorite purchase: Aerosoles ballet flats that I’ve probably worn 100 times already, including walking multiple cities in Europe.
      Biggest regret: One sweater that’s already started to pill and requires a lot of maintenance.

      • B

        Mind sharing which specific flats you bought? I’m heading to Europe soon and looking for some.

    • Anon

      Total spend: $3,576 – that is way more than I thought but does include several warm winter jackets and sportswear.
      1.1% of gross income
      Favorite purchase: a unique top from a Swedish designer, purchased in a boutique in Stockholm. it was pricy but I love it and war it all the time.
      Purchase I most regret: a Columbia winter jacket that just isn’t warm enough

    • Anon

      Based on memory/guesses:

      Total spending on clothing in 2016: $1,500 for Hugo Boss first and second interview suits, $500 for new clothes for new job, $250 for exercise wear on trips.
      Percent of income (individual or household): a little less than $1%
      Favorite purchase: the Target workout pants I wore every day while I was at home looking for a new job.
      Purchase you most regret: One of the interview suits. The jacket is too memorable to be able to wear it that often and I don’t think the neckline is flatter.

    • Anonymous

      Spent 2300
      Less than 2%
      Favorite: uniqlo heattech longs – they are life changing in my freezing office
      Regret: two boxy blazers that I’ve only worn once each. They were consigned so not budget busters but still annoying.

    • Anon

      Total spending on clothing in 2016: $7134
      Percent of income (individual or household): 3% of my income
      Favorite purchase: MMLaFleur Masha dress
      Purchase you most regret: Kit and Ace top that I bought online, final sale, and it didn’t quite fit me right

    • Anonymous

      Numbers for both me and husband (can’t distinguish in Mint)…

      Total spending on clothing in 2016: $1666 ($320 if which was Shoes & Accessories)
      Percent of income (household): less than 2%
      Favorite purchase: La Canadienne boots
      Purchase you most regret: Final sale suit for husband. It was a brand he’s worn but a different line so fit was not as expected. Like others, I’ve learned my final sale lesson.

    • kiki

      wow i’m shocked people spent so little, I feel horrible. I didn’t really track it but I would guess I spent at least $5k which is about 1.5% of our income :(

  11. Fairfax, VA

    I’ll be in trial in Fairfax, VA in a couple weeks as a client rep (in-house lawyer). I’m planning out what I’ll be wearing in court. I assume skirt suits and tights, if necessary, will be appropriate?

    • ELS

      I practiced in Fairfax (though not currently). You will not be out of place wearing skirt suits and tights, if the weather warrants.

    • Other

      I also used to practice/clerk in Fairfax, and it is not nearly as formal as federal court. It’s a large courthouse (much larger than other county courthouses in the area), and you’ll see all types of attire from lawyers, clerks, defendants, and parties. Wear a suit, but you’ll see all different types of suits from the lawyers (big law, small law, mid law, public defenders, etc.) all represent. My other advice is to be very prepared — the security line backs. up., and the parking garage is a haul from the courthouse (learned my lesson about uncomfortable heels early on in my career at that courthouse). There also used to be a specific credential you could get as an attorney to bypass security and bring in your electronic device. If you’ll be there for a while, I’d advise looking into getting one, as it can shave a lot of time on entering. I can’t remember what their current policy is, but they used to be pretty strict about no electronic devices.

      Good luck – it was a great courthouse to cut your teeth as an attorney. They used to have some great, really smart judges on the bench. Unfortunately, most of my faves have retired, and I’ve heard the bench isn’t as strong as it used to be. If the case is complicated (or even if not), submit really strong, very clear briefs. The clerks are overworked (again, it’s a big, busy courthouse), and I had a lot more success when I put a lot of effort into clear, concise briefing.

  12. Amanda

    Hi, ladies! I hope everyone was inspired by the March, I know I was! Now, I want to continue the action, and I love how the organizers have planned steps for us to take. I am going to write to my reps, but I am struggling with what I want to focus on in my letters to my reps. I feel like there are so many equally important issues, I just don’t know where to begin.

    Healthcare – will likely hurt millions
    Women’s rights
    Science – don’t promote non-factual information (vaccines, climate change)
    Education – privatizing is not the answer
    Building a wall – we don’t need it
    Infrastructure – the one thing President Trump has said that I’m actually hoping he accomplishes

    Any suggestions on where to begin or what anyone else will be focusing on in your letters? If it matters I’m in NY and will be writing to all dems with views mostly inline with mine.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think it actually matters much. Pick one topic, write a short note, repeat next week.

      • Anonymous

        This. Especially with Dem reps. Only has to be a short note saying you support what they are doing. If you have time, add a short personal story about how you have been affected (e.g. if your nephew has type 1 diabetes and relies on the pre-existing conditions provisions in ACA)

      • 10 actions- made easy

        Guys I didn’t march but I looked up the website just now and really good concrete suggestions for 100 days 10 actions, organizers have made it very easy. I’m in!

    • anonymous

      Does anyone have or know where to find a good template for writing your congressperson? I would love to do this, but I really don’t have a ton of time to figure out how. I’ve seen some guidelines around the internet, but a brief internet search didn’t turn up any worthwhile templates.

      Help?

      • Anonymous

        what do you mean by how? Like the address or what to say? If what to say, just keep it short to start:

        1. What’s your issue (women’s rights, science, black lives matter – more than one if you want)

        2. what your opinion is (e.g. birth control should be covered by ACA)

        3. what you want your rep to do (e.g. vote against ACA repeal)

        • Anonymous

          Adding that Lana posted above that there’s an app on the Women’s March website that sends the postcard for you and you can even add your own photo!

      • Gail the Goldfish

        I used to be a legislative correspondent for a congressman (ie, read and responded to all the mail). I assure you it does not matter how you you start or what format you put it in, if you have coherent sentences, you’re already doing better than a lot of the mail they get. (Also-physical mail sent to the local, instead of DC, office gets there faster. But email is obviously fastest.)

  13. Anonymous

    I canceled my engagement over the weekend. He is such a wonderful, loving, happy person and partner when he’s sober. But he can be a mean drunk. Not always. Often enough that I walk on eggshells when he comes home drunk, I “go to sleep” before he comes home if I know he’s coming from the bar, and I can’t feel relaxed when we’re at any event with alcohol. It started with screamed insults and escalated to destroying property. He’s never hit me.

    I asked him to go into alcohol counseling. I made it a condition of continuing with the engagement when, a few months ago, I called the police because he ripped things off the wall right by my face and screamed and cursed at me in response to my pleading with him to stop drinking for the night. He didn’t go into treatment. He was angry that I called the police. He felt betrayed that I didn’t trust him enough to know that he wouldn’t physically hurt me.

    He stopped drinking excessively for a while but it’s gradually increased again. Over the weekend he had another drunken violent outburst. A friend was with me at the time to witness it. She was afraid; she said she never thought she could feel afraid of him. He says he’ll get treatment this time. He’s sorry that I felt scared. He’s hurt that I think he would hurt me. His mother says he would never hurt me, that he just needs to vent in a more constructive manner. Maybe we should put a punching bag in the basement. She says I should stay to support him through his treatment. I… can’t. I don’t know if that’s the right decision. But I can’t live like this anymore.

      • anon

        +100. He’s already hurting you!! His mother thinks a punching bag in the basement is insurance that he won’t hit you? No. That’s ridiculous.

      • Ellen

        I so agree. You WILL prevail in the end, without the drunk. I was in the same boat with Sheketovits. He was sweet when Sober, but demonic when drunk. And he was drunk alot by the end, and the s-x was a HORRIBLE one way affair that did NOTHING for me. So best to cut him off NOW, rather then spend year’s in therapy with him, and a whole lot of VOMIT you will NOT have to scrape off your sheets and carpets. YOU HAVE THE POWER OF THE HIVE BEHIND YOU! You are strong and invincible with this power, as I was able to survive with the HIVE’s help. YAY!!!!

    • Anonymous

      This is 100% the right decision. Do not doubt yourself. You deserve so much better than this.

      The average victim of domestic violence tries to leave something like 17 times before they are successful.

      Please please take care of yourself. You are leaving a situation of domestic violence and that is the highest risk time for women to be killed by their partners. Do not tell him where you are staying. Do not agree to meet with him alone even regarding dividing up your property. Be safe.

    • Sarabeth

      Good for you. He may not have hit you, but his behavior is absolutely abusive. You have zero obligation to support the man who has been abusing you through his treatment (even if he’s only been abusive while drunk).

      • Sarabeth

        Also, in case this isn’t obvious – his mom is clearly working through her own issues, and displacing some of her anger/guilt/frustration at her son’s behavior onto you. If she doesn’t back off, I would let her know that you can’t be in contact with her anymore, and then block her so she can’t keep contacting you.

        • Scarlett

          +1 – I’d be even more aggressive and just cut contact now. OP you are 100% doing the right thing.

    • anonymous

      Good for you- that must have been really hard. For what it’s worth, this internet stranger thinks you’re doing the right thing. If you feel like you can’t live like this anymore now, I don’t think that marriage is a great idea.

      Also, his mom is only looking out for her son, not you. Even if he would be better off if you stayed, that shouldn’t be your primary concern. Take care of yourself.

    • SA

      Hugs. It sure sounds like the right decision. I’m sorry you are going through this.

    • Anon too

      I’m getting divorced after 16 years of marriage and I had a thought to not go through with the marriage due to his alcoholism, but I married him anyway. At the time I didn’t really know it was alcoholism, and we needed up producing 2 wonderful children and having some good times, but there’s a part of me that reads this and thinks — you go girl, way to be smarter than I was. Because in my case the drinking got worse and worse and worse and the lesser times got shorter and shorter and then finally he did go to AA and get sober and then he relapsed and then he got sober again and now he has been sober for a couple of years but guess what — the marriage is still bad!!

      I did find Al Anon very helpful — its for people who love addicts and alcoholics. But when I read your comment it seems like you are being smart and taking care of yourself and I’m not sure you really need any counseling or support because you seem to already understand that you are worth more than that and that if its bad now, its probably only going to get worse.

      • anon

        Seconding the Al Anon mention – regardless of what you do with this particular person — now or in the future!

    • ck

      You made the right decision.

      You’ve done all the right things.

      Now, it’s up to him.

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. My sister broke off an engagement as well, and even though it was 100% the right thing to do, it was the hardest thing she’s ever done.

      You know this already, but it bears repeating: you can’t fix him. He needs to take responsibility for his issues himself. Avoiding your partner on a regular basis because he makes you afraid is not normal, not even a little bit. Having a partner who screams at you and then questions/minimizes your fear is manipulative and scary. Your partner should be on your side. He is not on your side. He has a problem, and he will not admit it. It is so painful, but you are doing the right thing.

      Surround yourself with people that support your decision and lean on them.

    • Jo March

      It’s hard now, but you are so strong for making the best decision for your safety and your future happiness. Sending good vibes your way! You will be so glad that you made this decision a few years from now

    • Anon for this

      If the hardest part for you is completely closing the door on him, tell yourself that you will revisit the issue if you are still single and he’s been sober x years. That’s what I had to do to allow myself to get out of a relationship with a depressed man that was on the verge of suicidal but wouldn’t get treatment. When we broke up, I said maybe in the future. Maybe if you actually have changed. But I can’t be here until the change is complete. I can’t be around the work in progress. If that means we never end up together, so be it.

      A couple months after that break up, I met and later married the real love of my life. Right after I got engaged, he came around and said that he had been in treatment, was better, was on the verge of getting engaged but wanted to check in with me first and see if I’d rather we go forth with our respective new relationships or try again. I said I had just got engaged too and that we were both better in our new relationships than we had been together. We are actually pleasant acquaintances now. Not friends per se but we share a lot of friends so we see each other at weddings and funerals and the like.

      • Anon for this

        PS. Even though he felt I was abandoning and breaking his heart when we initially broke up, he now credits me with saving his life by doing so. People often don’t get help until they hit rock bottom. Losing the person you love is rock bottom for some.

    • H

      You made the right decision. I’m sure it was very difficult and you are so strong for it. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, even if it feels like you’re being selfish which you aren’t.

    • Torin

      This is absolutely the right choice.

      It’s not just that he’s a violent drunk who refuses to quit drinking. That’s a huge problem, and reason enough to leave. But I also see him being “hurt” that you “didn’t trust him enough not to hurt you” when he was drunk and out of control as the worst kind of gas lighting. He’s minimizing his inability to control himself while drunk and making you question your genuine and rational fear at his violent outbursts, and that’s also a huge problem. Do not let his mother or anyone else convince you otherwise!

      • OP

        Thank you, and thanks to all for this outpouring of support. You identified the reason that I feel like I really can’t continue – even when he’s sober he’s not owning how scary his behavior is for me. He turns it around and makes it about himself. When you’re in that moment that someone out of nowhere snaps and starts screaming and breaking things, you don’t know what he’s going to do next. Of course you feel fearful. This notion that I should just sit there calmly accepting it, feeling secure that he would never turn on me is frankly flabbergasting. Idk how to get through to him that that’s just not life and I’m not some emotionally crippled oversensitive special snowflake for being afraid for my safety under those circumstances.

        I think he’s convinced his parents that this is a two-way street, that he’s angry because there was some sort of argument that led up to these incidents. Not that that would make it OK, but I guess it’s more understandable if two people are fighting and things are getting more and more heated and finally someone throws something in anger and frustration. That’s not what happens with him. My friend and I were just sitting there chatting quietly and all of a sudden he’s throwing things and screaming. The last time this happened when I called the police, it was basically the same thing – I’d asked him to please not drink, he’s already had enough, but I wasn’t yelling or angry or even exasperated (I don’t think?) I was just sad and tired. Even the cops didn’t believe me that this just comes out of nowhere for him.

        • Torin

          “Idk how to get through to him that that’s just not life and I’m not some emotionally crippled oversensitive special snowflake for being afraid for my safety under those circumstances.”

          You definitely aren’t!! Truthfully you might not be able to convince him of that — and that’s why leaving is the best choice. I wish you the best of luck with this truly difficult decision!

        • Nina

          “Idk how to get through to him that that’s just not life and I’m not some emotionally crippled oversensitive special snowflake for being afraid for my safety under those circumstances.”

          You can’t get through to him, if he doesn’t believe that this is a problem. My stepfather was an alcoholic. He was that mean drunk, no violence and no property destruction, but he said very very mean things. It caused me to move out for 6 months with my aunt at 17. I think my mom gave him an ultimatum either he stops drinking – or divorce. He ended up waking up to the problem, apologizing to me, and he stopped drinking. He said that if he drank hard liquor, he just couldn’t stop. So he stopped drinking hard liquor. He still allowed himself to drink 1 beer or 1 glass of wine, but no hard liquor. The only one who can realize the problem is your fiance. He is the only one who can initiate change. You need to be able to trust your partner.

        • Anonymous

          Everyone is (rightfully) talking about his anger issues and substance use, but I want to bring up another point: his dismissive of you and your concerns. Even if the topic were much much less serious, this should still be a deal breaker. You don’t know what your concerns will be 10, 20, 30 years down the line, so you want someone who proves to you consistently that they hear you and deeply care how their actions affect you.
          Even if you could snap your fingers and make him sober tomorrow, would he inevitably deal with the next issue the same way, by blowing you off and justifying his own actions because it’s convenient? Can you imagine raising kids with such a person?

          You are doing the right thing.

    • JayJay

      This is the right choice. You cannot fix him, it is up to him. You must protect yourself, emotionally and physically. I don’t know you, internet stranger, but I’m proud of you for doing the right thing.

    • anon

      This is one of those moments where you’ll have so much doubt now, but you’ll look back in 5 years and know for sure that it was the best decision of your life.

    • Anon

      From someone who is married to an alcoholic, you made the right decision. My DH was not when we married and I would have not married him if he was.

      • Anonymous

        +1 My mom would say the say thing about my dad. The fact that he is violent is terrible, but even alcoholism without violence is a huge red flag.

        • Anon

          +1,00,000. As someone else who has BTDT, you are unbelievably smart to be getting out now. It’s exhausting and horrible to go through life walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Listening to promises that he probably means in the moment, but you know it’s just a matter of time before he breaks. Listening to gas lighting and minimizing of your reactions. Don’t look back. Be strong.

    • Anon

      Good for you – you absolutely made the right decision. I encourage you to work closely with your friends and family to get through this challenging time. You’ll need to protect yourself and make sure you’re in a good place to stand by your decision. He may try to convince you to come back.

    • ChiLaw

      Good for you!

      Do you have safe places to go if you need to get out quickly? I could see him handling the breakup poorly, based on what you’ve said.

    • Senior Attorney

      You know you did the right thing. It’s awful now but it will get better. There is a kind-all-the-time man out there waiting for you to find him!

    • Anon obvs

      Just wanted to say that I am in recovery and got sober when my husband and I were recently engaged. It was his ultimatum that got me into my first meeting. Now I’ve been sober for years and I’m so grateful. If he didn’t pay attention to your concern, he isn’t in the place you need him to be.

      Just wanted to say that it’s possible to get better, but that I was your fiancé and reacted very, very differently. Hope that gives you some small amount of comfort in what I know is a really painful time.

  14. Anxiety books (about girls)?

    Thank you hive for some good recommendations last year on ADHD in girls.

    Any books or advice on parenting a girl (elementary school) who has ADHD and anxiety? I used to think that she just had a lot of energy, but I see how a lot of her outer manifestations are becoming more anxiety driven as she has gotten older. [It probably doesn’t help that due to having a fall birthday, our school system’s 9/1 cutoff has her as one of the oldest children in her grade and she is inexplicably tall, so she is always sticking out and looks to be much older (so grownups expectations of her often line up with middle-schoolers and not for kids just learning multiplication)].

    At any rate, I just want to get some parenting advice (which may line up with ADHD: lots of physical activity to help with the squirminess, lots of time with her good friends, lots of love (and try to stick to something like a high ratio of positive involvement vs corections with behavior). I just don’t know.

    We don’t have a formal anxiety diagnosis yet (not sure if that would help), but there is a very strong history on her father’s side (they seem to believe in pills occasionally but think that psychiatry / psychologists are just a bunch of quacks) and I don’t have any sort of training or background that would be helpful as a parent. I just know she’s wired differently enough to make me want to be sure I’m not messing up anything while letting her grow and navigate toward her strengths.

    • Anonymous

      Listen to her. Let her talk about her feelings. Give her a safe space to explore them. I have had pretty severe anxiety my whole life and this has really been the key to getting it under control.

    • Anonymous

      What kind of physical activity does she do? Cross country running was a big hit at that age with two of my cousins who have ADHD. No pressure to make a ‘team’ in the same way as with soccer/basketball etc.

      Look for cross country running classes and school age or young teen age yoga classes in your area. If you post your area, you may get specific recommendations. Medication may be necessary at some point but an hour of physical activity every day can be very helpful.

      • Anxiety books (about girls)?

        Thanks — next year at school she could do Girls on the Run (but there is a lottery, so it’s not guaranteed; not enough coaches to meet the demand).

        I’ve seen it become very life-limiting within her dad’s family, so I am a bit concerned that this remain an aspect of who she is and not what is driving the bus. I feel very helpless. I feel like I understand ADHD and I understand other things well from being an RA in college (eating disorders, self-medicating with alcohol, other random things like cutting) and also how the pressures are on girls (and how much parents can mess them up worse). I guess b/c I’ve never seen anxiety managed well I am worried that I won’t be up to it as a parent.

        • Anonymous

          Do any of the local running clubs have a program for kids/teenagers? I only started running as adult but it’s great because you’re really only competing against your own personal best. I find physical activity really reduces the physical tension in my body which helps keeps anxious feelings manageable.

          • Anxiety books (about girls)?

            Around here, GOTR seems to have the younger-kid market. IDK re middle school.

            She really likes to be outdoors, to ride her bike, to rollerskate, and to hike. She like swimming.

            We go off the rails with team sports since she has trouble focusing. She does really well with private lessons, which my wallet endures and I have made peace with since it is better for her and everything else just wastes time AND money.

            I think this summer we may switch from full-day large day camps to half-day camps + summer nanny just to have more unplugged activities. Yes? No? I like to think it will be very Sound of Music to be less-scheduled (and better for her), but I have no sense of what really works with anxiety (like if she got very bored or were lonely, it might be worse).

        • Running kid

          The best part of running is that you do it for you. I ran in middle school and my dad would just trail behind on a bike to make sure I was safe. He stayed far enough behind that I felt like I was out running solo (which for some is the best part of running). Even if she doesn’t make the team, is this something you or someone in your family could do for her? My dad never questioned my need to run or complain about when I wanted to. I’d just say “dad, I need to go for a run” and he would get his bike.

    • Lobbyist

      My daughter has ADHD and is also super tall although she’s socially adept. She also has anxiety. I get ADDItude magazine, follow ADDitude on Facebook, have read Driven to Distraction and all the other Hallowel books and there’a good list about what to say to anxious children:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/renee-jain/49-phrases-to-calm-an-anxious-child_b_9399650.html. Knowing it’s not her fault made me more patient.

      My daughter is also stubborn and doesn’t like to do what I say, so often things that I suggest that I KNOW would help get ignored, but thats probably because she is 12 now. Maybe you can teach yours strategies before she stops listening to you!

      Mine took ADHD meds and they really helped but she couldn’t tolerate the side effects so she is off them. The other thing that totally helps is physical activity, really hard. Volleyball wasn’t physical enough and soccer was better but the best has been swimming and (yea!) she just switched to year round swimming. It think running would probably be good too but there aren’t many running groups for kids. We also have a trampoline in the back yard and she jumps on it (often with me standing out there talking with her/keeping her company) in between rounds of homework or even just before bed so she can get her energy out enough to sleep.
      I also read this great book about placebos and mind body so I got peppermint spray (to enhance focus) and lavender spray (for calm) and then when she needs to do homework she sprays the peppermint spray and when she needs to go to sleep she can spray the lavender.
      Good luck. It can be exhausting but she’s also super fun and great company and I think will be a very successful adult if she can find a job that plays to her strengths (coaching, encouraging others, etc) but she just needs to get through school first!!

      • anon3

        You are a good Mom.

        Be careful about the trampoline. They are one of the most common cause of spinal cord injury and paralysis in children. Doing the flips/falls…. Neck injury……. Make sure you have very good home owners/umbrella insurance policy if you let other children go on it, because you will get sued if they are injured. And it costs millions to support someone with spinal cord injury for the rest of their lives.

        I have a family member with spinal cord injury, and the responsible party had the minimum of insurance. Financial devastation for all, and horror for our families.

    • H

      There shouldn’t be any pressure to make a team for sports like basketball, volleyball, soccer etc in elementary school as long as fees can be paid. If she is extroverted, I would absolutely advocate a team sport. I’m not trying to discredit other sports like cross country, but I am a huge fan of team sports at that age. And if she doesn’t end up liking it, she doesn’t have to keep doing it.

    • Anonymous

      Not sure if these apply but I read them related to my son with an anxiety/ADHD/dyslexia diagnosis/SPD:

      Raising Your Spirited Child
      The Explosive Child (look at the description to see if it’s right for you, don’t go by the title)
      The Out-Of-Sync Child (more SPD)

    • Anon

      My 5th grade DD has ADHD/anxiety. We put her on ADHD meds towards the end of last year, and that actually did more to help with the anxiety than anything else we’ve done. She knew when she was having trouble behaving, and being disruptive in the classroom, and hated herself for it, but couldn’t stop doing it. The meds allow her to behave better, which drives down the biggest source of her anxiety. She’s more the in-attentive type of ADHD, but I’m still working to try and find some physical activity to help her with the movement. The meds wear off by 3 or so, so team sports are generally a disaster. She’s also just not athletically inclined at all (the apple doesn’t far fall from the tree), but she enjoys yoga and just going for walks/bike rides. She does love swimming, but there isn’t a place to regularly do it year round close by. She’s in music activities now, and loves those, so trying to play more to her strengths.

      No Drama Discipline has been a great book, and helped my hubby see better ways to deal with her executive functioning issues than punishment. I also liked “smart but scattered”, more about just ways to help them get organized.

    • Anonymous

      Find a good child psychiatrist if you haven’t yet. Medication has been life-saving for my daughter. Her pediatrician is great, but the psychiatrist is so much more knowledgeable about how medications can interact and how subtle changes to doses can make a big difference.

  15. Job hunting

    Question for you ladies: when you’ve interviewed for a job, is it normal for the company to not let you know when they’ve chosen someone else?

    I’ve interviewed for three jobs in the last month.

    Job #1: I made it to the final round of interviews and never heard anything from them again. I learned through the grapevine that they hired someone else for the position.

    Job #2: I had one interview and they told me that they planned to have an additional round. They said that they would let people know about second round interviews within a week. Two weeks passed and I still hadn’t heard anything, so I reached out to see whether they’d changed their timeline. They told me that they’d already moved on to the final round of interviews with other candidates.

    Job #3: I made it to the final round of interviews and they said that they hoped to have a decision by the end of last week. I haven’t heard anything yet. At what point do I assume that this company was like Job #1 and offered it to someone else without letting me know?

    • Sassyfras

      Yes, I’ve found that most companies do not let you know when you haven’t been chosen for a job unless you specifically reach out to ask. That being said, there are many reasons why a timeline may be delayed and it doesn’t hurt to politely follow up with HR. Good luck on your search.

    • Anon

      Yeah. It’s become more and more common. Once they decide it’s not you — many (not all) don’t even bother calling or even sending a form letter.

    • SC

      It is normal, even when companies say they’ll let you know “either way.” With respect to Job # 3, I think it is too soon to assume this company has offered the position to someone else. They’re only 1 business day past when they said they’d let you know. If you haven’t heard anything in a couple of weeks, you can probably assume that they’ve offered the job to someone else or eliminated the position or something else. (My husband has applied for a job on the same team at the same company twice. Both times they eliminated the position after several rounds of interviews.) In the meantime, keep applying to anything that looks like it would be a good fit!

    • pugsnbourbon

      Companies should let you know that they’ve chosen someone else, especially if you’ve had multiple interviews with them. Of course, many don’t. Ask A Manager always advises that you give them best interview you can and then mentally move on.

    • CHJ

      In my experience, this is very typical. I have had several final round interviews where I never heard anything from the company ever again. Personally I think it’s quite tacky – it takes hardly any effort for the hiring manager or HR person to send an email thanking you for your time and letting you know that they hired someone else, especially if you took a day off work to interview at the company. But in my experience, that rarely happens.

      But I wouldn’t rule out Job #3 yet – a decision by the end of last week could easily spill into the next 2-3 weeks.

      • SC

        Yes, for anyone here who’s in a position to hire, PLEASE send out rejection letters.

        FWIW, I’m in a small city and practice in a niche area of law, where we encounter the same people over and over throughout our careers. I have so much more respect for the people who, over the years, have sent me nice rejection letters instead of just leaving me hanging. I’d be much more likely to refer people to lawyers who are able to take a few minutes and write a hard email.

        • CountC

          And when you do, make sure to fill in the blanks of your form letter with the candidate’s information. A friend of mine received one rejection letter from a company, even though she had applied and interviewed for two different positions, and it still had Dear [XXXXXX] on it. She was not impressed.

    • Job hunting

      Thanks for the replies, everyone. I’d only been rejected for one job before this, and they let me know when I didn’t get the position. I wasn’t sure what the norm was.

      Let me just say that for all of you out there in charge of hiring people, please do the humane thing and let interviewees know when they weren’t selected! It was pretty embarrassing to have to reach out to Job #2 in order to have them confirm that they hadn’t picked me. And waiting around in suspense is awful.

    • anon

      In my experience, this is not typical. I interviewed in person for a ton of jobs about a year and a half ago, and I can’t remember a single company that didn’t send me a rejection letter. Some companies never got back to me when I just interviewed over skype or the phone (1st round stuff), but for the companies where I had an in-person interview, they let me know eventually. Sometimes it takes a long time to hear back because the process is drawn out over months and months. Sorry you had a bad experience!

    • EM84

      My company follows with all candidates – successful or unsuccessful. We consider it good manners. I would reach out.

  16. Bonus 401k

    Need advice from the Hive: My 401k deductions will be withheld from my bonus payment but we have the option to change deductions for this pay cycle. DO you leave it alone or make the deductions 0%?

    • BB

      I usually leave it because remembering to change it back is a pain. If it’s an issue, make sure you also have your account set up to stop deducting once you reach the limit.

    • Anon

      Leave it alone (or decrease slightly if needed, based on the year). My company matches 4%, and I want to get that match every pay period (and I max my 401K each year), so I will decrease my bonus – period contribution amount slightly if contributing at my “normal” level would mean that I would hit my annual max before the final pay period.

      I have other coworkers who always set theirs to 0 for that pay period, though. You do you.

      • Minnie Beebe

        You don’t want to go over IRS limits on your contributions, or you pay penalties when you file income taxes. Plus, it’s generally advantageous to contribute smaller amounts regularly than dump a lump sum into a 401k. If you don’t ordinarily contribute to your 401k (and you absolutely should!) and are choosing a lump sum over $0 contribution, definitely choose the lump sum. But otherwise, I typically try to max out my contributions via adjustments in my regular paycheck, and don’t contribute to my 401k from my bonus (not least because the bonus is not a sure thing.)

        • Anonymous

          The only way you’d go over is if you changed jobs. Your employer’s payroll system will stop you at the max automatically if you’re at the same job the entire time.

          I agree that it’s wise not to rely on your bonus to max out, but I think that makes more sense for a year-end bonus. It sounds like OP’s bonus is coming this month, so if she didn’t get it one year she could adjust her withholding the rest of the year to still max out. If that’s the case, I think she can contribute whatever percentage she wants–barring any match issues as noted by others (some base their max on your annual so even if you front-load your contributions you can still get the full match, but others do unfortunately have it set up nonsensically where if you don’t contribute out of a paycheck, you don’t get any match w/r/t the income in that paycheck).

    • ace

      Leave it. Assuming you are set to max out for 2017, once you do you’ll have extra money to play with late in the year (around the holidays when most people need it!)

  17. I have a boot problem

    I have a boot problem.

    I really want a pair of Aquitalias (knee high,heeled). OMG they are expensive? Is there any optimal time to buy (like black Friday)? Or retailer (just get a Nordstrom card and enjoy any rewards that some with that spendy of a purchase? or Zappos for ease of returns)? End of season sales (but I wear an 8.5 and they are never left by sale time)?

    I don’t *need* them, but by this time next year, I want them in my closet.

  18. kk

    Hi! I’m looking to buy a wedding dress, in Chicago, IL! Any Chicagoans, can you tell me where you found your dress? Any married ladies in general, I’d love your reflections on how and when you bought your dress, what you considered and now wish you had considered.

    • Anon

      Not in Chicago.

      I got married last year. Found my dress at BHLDN (first and only place I looked). Loved it. Wanted something timeless, elegant, comfortable, and with lace. It hit all the marks.

      • empresaria

        Not in Chicago.

        I went to a local dress shop in my hometown. I tried on a few dresses without success. Then, on a final sale rack outside, I found an ok-looking dress. Decided to try it on. Loved it! It was $30 (final sale). I spent more than that getting it altered.

      • SLAC

        Weddings 826 is lovely! (and not so expensive for wedding dresses). Lovely bride is also nice.

    • Chicagoan

      Got mine at J Crew bridal, which I believe has now shut down. I found some great dresses at BHLDN, although at the time they offered 100% chiffon. David’s Bridal has some nice dresses and I’d recommend a trip there just to get a feel for what’s out there. Consider, also, looking at evening dresses – especially if you’re open to something that’s not pure white. (I almost got a light gray dress – if it had been light pink or green I would have.)

      Congratulations!

    • H

      My advice would be to not get too attached to something you see online in case you can’t find it in person. I fell in love with a dress online and there was a place in my city that could order it, but I had to buy it and wouldn’t have been able to return it if I decided I didn’t like it. I’ve since moved, but the city I was in is much smaller than Chicago so maybe that wouldn’t be an issue for you.

    • ChiLaw

      First I went to David’s Bridal with a friend, just to scope things out. I had a helluva time convincing the woman working there that dresses that were neither huge nor skin-tight existed (like, A line? it’s a thing?) So then I took myself to the BHLDN store. Tried on some I had fallen in love with online, but they were just so-so. Ended up buying a guest-of-a-wedding/bridesmaids dress that I loved, and it still makes me smile when I look at our pics.

    • chicago bride

      Budget depends, many of the “bridal boutique” places start around $2,500. Popular boutiques include: Belle Vie, Ultimate Bride, Dimitra’s, Bella Bianca, Mira Couture. There is also Glamour Closet for consignment, and of course House of Brides and David’s Bridal. Look at pictures ahead of time to have an idea of what is out there, but you really should try on everything. I really loved lace dresses with sleeves and tried them on and… they looked so dowdy on me. I also was convinced mermaid/fitted through the hips was not for me and I was so surprised at how much I liked some of them. (My budget was 5-7k and I bought mine for 5,500 at Ultimate Bride.)

      If you can, try to set them up during a weekday, because they get so busy on the weekends. I did a weekend day and they only gave me an hour, which really isn’t much time after you’ve told them what you are looking for. Most of them did two hour appointments during the week. All of this is to say, try to get a longer appointment at your first one so that you have time to try on all sorts of dresses. I had a weekend of back-to-back hour long appointments and the first was a miss because it was mostly figuring out what I liked and trying on a lot, although my consultant was also only a summer helper. One place I had a really experienced consultant and went back for a 2-hour appointment during the week and bought my dress.

      Also, use your words and know that a lot can be adjusted on a dress. So tell the consultant “I love the appliques but not the shape” or “I love the lace, but do you have lace AND beading?” That way, your consultant can try to find the things you like. It helps to have an idea of what your wedding will be like – for example, but knowing the season and venue is a big help.

      • Emmer

        Glamour Closet isn’t all (maybe any? not sure) consignment; it’s more of the store samples gowns.

        • chicago bride

          You are right; my mistake. Also Nordstrom and BHLDN are awesome. Also worth checking out some in the suburbs if that is possible for you.

    • AEK

      Another place to go for inspiration, if not to buy, is the Wedding Suite at the Nordstrom on the Mag Mile (not all the stores have the wedding suite).

      As far as what I considered— one of my favorite decisions was to buy an evening gown instead of a “wedding dress.” I mostly shopped online from various stores and ended up with a lovely, perfectly fitting (no alterations!) long Tadashi Shoji off-the-rack evening gown. I felt fantastic in it, and for once I felt like I photographed well too. Saved a ton of money. I’m still not sure of the real distinction between wedding gowns (non-couture) and evening gowns, but it must exist because my fancy dry cleaner said there was no need for the “wedding dress” treatment / price.

    • Emmer

      I got mine at Glamour Closet, which has off-the-rack sample dresses than you can then go and get altered to fit you. Got a gorgeous gown at 50% off list price! I’d also recommend BHLDN.

    • Anomalie

      A friend just started a bridal gown company called Anomalie where you get to custom-design your gown for a fraction of the price of boutiques. She’s leveraged her experience managing Nike factories overseas to scout out the best designers, materials, and sources. If her wedding dress from her recent wedding is any indication, they can create STUNNING custom gowns. Check it out (that’s her dress in the splash image):

      https://www.dressanomalie.com

    • Miz Swizz

      I bought the first dress I tried on, it was one I found by surfing The Knot’s website and looking for an a-line gown. It was important to me to be realistic about how I wanted to look because it seemed like most people (including consultants) expect you to wear either a cocktail dress or a ballgown.

      I went shopping with my mom, sisters and niece and there was some of the expected family dynamic but I knew that going in so I was prepared. My family isn’t terribly sentimental but I could tell it meant a lot to them all to be included.

    • Anonymous

      J.Crew (I think Michigan Ave store is one of 2 locations where you can actually try on the wedding dresses), BHLDN

    • frustrated academic

      Chicagoan here. I looked at JCrew and BHLDN, but then ended up finding a white dress at the BCBG outlet in Pleasant Prairie (right over the border in Wisconsin). I liked the dress, it was under $100, and I grabbed it while I continued to look. However, nothing else ever came close. That being said I had it shortened and the halter neck turned into criss-cross back straps. Because the dress was so reasonably priced, Ialso had jewelry cusom made to compliment the neckline and got some truly fabulous shoes. Think outside the box on where you could source your dress.

    • Anon for this

      Married in Chicago in 2010. I got my dress at Wedding Belles in Barrington – they sell only sample dresses. I got a $5000 dress for $600. The customer service is very good – sent several friends there, and one got a dress but when she was told they could not alter it as they’d hoped, they took it back for a full refund. If you can make the drive to the suburbs, I’d highly recommend – but don’t make it your first stop; go to some other places first to get an idea of what you like.

    • Chicagoan

      Reddington Bridal in Park Ridge. I got their cheapest gown ($800 cash) and never looked back. I recommend going to David’s Bridal to try on different styles so you know what you’re looking for. I also recommend keeping an open mind. I thought for sure I wanted a sleeveless gown but fell for a strapless gown at first sight. Congratulations and best of luck!

    • Anonymous

      I actually got mine at the Macy’s on state street wedding boutique. I went in for a specific dress I found at a boutique store but the service was excellent and I ended up in something different that I love to this day, 3 years later.

    • Anon

      Macy’s bridal on state street. I went in looking for a dress I found at a boutique. Ended up with something different but perfect. Excellent service too!

    • Anonymous

      Hi KK – another Chicagoan here. I live in the Naperville area and I bought my dress as Wolsfeldts in Aurora. It’s in a big house in a residential neighborhood. They have a big selection. The dresses are nicer than David’s Bridal but not as pricey as some of the downtown Bridal shops off Michigan Ave. (mine was around $2400). They are one-stop shopping – have alterations, shoes, headpieces, veils, etc. all on site, as well as tuxedo rental and bridesmaid dresses. Very happy with their customer service. We bought everything we needed there (ordered bridesmaid dresses, tuxes, got shoes, headpiece, jewelry, etc.) which was helpful since it is so time-consuming to run around and try to get everything you need from different vendors.

  19. Anon

    Interview questions: Possibly a stupid question, but how do you handle interviews while still employed? Do you take a sick day or vacation day? Say you have a doctor’s appointment? I never take sick days so I don’t want it to raise a red flag to my boss, but that may be the only option.

    • Anonymous

      I usually just say “I have an appointment next Wednesday morning. I’ll be in the office at X time” and then make up the hours by staying late or coming in early another day (if you don’t have that flexibility, I would record it officially as vacation time, but make clear to your boss that you’re not really on vacation). Usually when you say appointment people tend to assume it’s something medical, and there’s no need to disabuse them of that notion, but I would try not to explicitly lie if you can avoid it.

    • anon

      Not the OP, but adding to that – what to do about clothing? Say you have a morning interview and plan to go directly to work from there or vice versa. Interviews require suits, but showing up in a suit to work when it’s not required would also raise a red flag

      • Anon

        Can you wear everything besides the jacket? Either leave it in your car or if you don’t drive — carry it in with you but don’t be seen wearing a full suit?

        This is why I always suggest in my workplace that you wear suits on occasion just bc — that way when people see you in a suit, they don’t automatically assume interview. I realize that doesn’t work everywhere bc in some places it’s just too casual — but in my business casual to sometimes more formal workplace, it’s a doable option that junior attys just don’t want to consider and then they look super obvious in a suit for the first time in 4 yrs.

      • Bewitched

        a. take off suit jacket, add cardigan or just go with blouse and skirt/pants to disguise the “suit” aspect of outfit
        b. bring a change of clothes.

      • Anonymous

        With a pant suit, if you take the jacket off and sub out flats for heels, it pretty much looks like a normal work outfit for me. If your workplace is super casual (e.g., jeans) then maybe stop at a public restroom and change?

        • anon

          Last year, when I was interviewing, my office was next to the Tyson II Mall. I had a 2pm interview. I left the office, drove to the mall, went into Neiman Marcus and asked to use one of their dressing rooms to get ready for an interview. They were really gracious about it, an then drove off to m interview.

    • Anonymous

      I think “appointment” is usually safe, but if you can afford the time off, why not do a vacation day? A Friday or a Monday is unlikely to cause too much suspicion and then you can be more relaxed about the timeframe if the interview starts late or runs long. Also rewards you with a three-day weekend, woo! If you never take a sick day you probably deserve it anyhow.

    • Walnut

      Are you allowed to use sick days for dr’s appts? Appointments could be doctor (annual physical, OB-GYN routine exam, dentist, eye doc, dermatologist, all sorts of routine care appointments that don’t invite much conversation.

  20. nutella

    Hey Nasty Women — I’d like to see us run and more of us in positions of power. I have two requests:

    (1) If you are considering running for office, please do! And *please* share your experiences here. Many of us would support you and you may inspire more women, too!
    (2) I am curious to see what kinds of positions are available in my state/county/city, but am coming up empty. If you know of a resource that compiles them, please share! And if you don’t, please email the newsletters you subscribe to (I just did this for re:act) to ask them to create one.

    And for you Ohioans, here is one I came across for your state: http://www.politicalcampaigningtips.com/the-big-list-of-local-elected-offices-for-political-candidates/ Obviously, many of these positions are the same but under a different name in other counties, but it would be great to learn a little more about the current scene in your location.

    • Anon

      I looked into running for my state legislature and saw that it pays $12,000 a year, and that appears to be fairly standard for many states. How do people afford to do this? Are they independently wealthy? Do their spouses support them?

      • Anonymous

        I’m not sure that’s standard, I think it’s definitely on the low side. In CA they make $100k a year, and even in my very LCOL red state they make $25k, which is a livable salary. I do think some people keep their day jobs though. I know one of my state legislatures is a lawyer with her own practice and she still practices law (although she has more ability to control her hours than most people do and maybe she only works 20 hours/wk or something like that). I’m sure it would be difficult to have a 9-5 office job and be in the legislature.

        • Anonymous

          This is the second time I’ve heard about how lawyers can control their schedules (the other time was on NPR). The first time I chuckled — how do these people know? B/c I’m a lawyer and can’t control my schedule at all, other than moving something an hour here or an hour there. So I’m on call from 7am-10pm to get a day’s worth of work actually done. Not sure how I’d work in a legislative job in there (or campaigning).

          Maybe these are small-practice practitioners who have enough associates to get by?

          I have no idea how people do it, but control of my schedule has never been an attribute of my profession.

          • Anonymous

            It’s pretty easy to get a trial moved when the legislature is in session.

            If the state is small enough that they don’t pay their legislators, then it will more than likely have mostly small or solo practitioners.

      • empresaria

        It usually depends on whether you have a professional legislature. If you do, they get paid more and are expected to work full-time. Usually, in the low-paying cases, it is expected that you have another job.

      • Anonymous

        The state where I grew up does not pay legislators a salary at all. They get per diem for the days they are in session and then some expenses. This attracts a fair number of retirees obviously, but we also have lots of representatives employed full-time as doctors, lawyers, etc.

      • Anon

        Be sure to check how often your state is in session. Some states only convene for a few weeks or a couple months a year. Sure, there are obligations in the community the rest of the year, but the actual legislating in the state capital is condensed into a short active session. It definitely is community service. When I worked in the state legislature, nearly all of them were independently wealthy, with only one or two middle class legislators.

    • Carrots

      I’m actually meeting with a county councilman I’ve worked with a few times to get a better idea of the local level. Our local university has a one day session too for women who are interested in running that I put myself on the wait list for.

  21. Anonymous

    Not a work or fashion question, but I often find value in the opinions and experiences of the comment section here. Have any of you ever reconciled with estranged family, especially parents? How did it go? Any tips? Was it worth it?

    • Frozen Peach

      Yes. I’ve commented before– and would be happy to discuss.

      It was worth it. We’ve been able to have a relationship with LOTS of good boundaries.

      Be wary of slippage. They will try to revert to old ways, I 100% guarantee it, and it’s up to you to hold firm.

      My biggest advice is to have the first meeting with a counselor who specializes in family reunification. I highly recommend the husband/wife team John & Linda Friel– they worked miracles between me and my folks.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you for your response! Any tips for:
        1) Maintaining boundaries, and not freezing or freaking out when they’re pushed?
        2) Reconciling truly unforgivable things in the past, with your new relationship? This one is a real sticking point for me.
        3) Not going into an emotional tailspin when they pull the same old stuff?

        Anything at all you want to share would be much appreciated. I don’t know anyone in RL who’s done this. Going NC was a necessary decision by me to escape 8 years ago, and it resulted in a period of homelessness so there’s a lot of resentment still there.

        • Frozen Peach

          Of course! It’s very lonely and people without this level of family toxicity will not understand. I’m running to a meeting but am going to set up an email so that you can find me offline. If I can help someone else work through this, then my struggle will have been totally worth it.

          And I should note that it doesn’t always work. Sometimes no-contact is the better choice.

          I’ll comment again later today!

  22. anon

    this is super silly but I’m having trouble coming up with my “something blue” to wear on my wedding day. Not wearing a garter, and can’t do undies because they would show through. already bought all my accessories (shoes, jewelry, hair pin). thoughts?

    also… any ideas for the “something borrowed”? my engagement ring is my grandmother’s, so that’s my something old, and my dress and everything else is new. I’m stumped!

    • I have a boot problem

      Don’t you also need a sixpence in your shoe?

      Can you get a pretty blue ribon and tie a trinket from someone you love onto your bouquet? It doesn’t have to be noticeable. Or you can pin something on inside of your dress (like a locket, a ribbon, etc.).

      • anon

        ahhh I thought of this but my shoes are peep-toe! and it might be a little shocking to have blue toenails peeking out from my dress (i.e. mom would not approve).

        • Senior Attorney

          I think that would be great but I guess you have to keep Mom happy!

    • Anonymous

      I did shoes for my something blue. Ten years later and I still wear them when we go out to dinner on our anniversary every year. Even if you don’t want to go all blue, you could get ones with some blue in them.

      Could you borrow a shawl or wrap to wear when it’s chilly? Or a right hand ring?

      • Walnut

        I also did blue shoes and love that I have a lovely pair of fancy, designer shoes to break out a couple times a year.

        I suggest tucking something in your bouquet or asking your florist to incorporate a blue accents or flowers. My florist weaved my rosary into my bouquet and it looked lovely.

    • Anonymous

      You could get the blue-soled Loutoutins.

      Or you could get a blue sharpie and some stick-on sparklies and decorate the soles of your shoes (the sparklies work on the under-the-arch part. Beware — this done poorly is very easy!

    • Anonymous

      You could borrow a wrap or pashmina for if you get chilly? Or make it a blue one. If your bouquet is multicolored, you could ask for a blue flower in there. And you could borrow a close friend’s lipstick or nail polish.

    • Suburban

      I like the idea of borrowing a friend or family member’s signature perfume.

    • chicago bride

      I am having a photo pin made of my late father, like my sister did, with a blue ribbon on it. They also make these on etsy for bouquets (“memorial bouquet charms” I think). Do you want to remember a dear relative? My sister’s photo of my dad was pinned in her skirt, so it need not be on a bouquet. Also, if you do the sixpence in your shoe, tape it down with moleskin, otherwise they will give you a blister!

    • kk

      Do you have any jewelry with sapphires? Even better, could you borrow jewelry with sapphires in it? You could also do navy blue eyeliner, a heart or bow or other nail art on one finger or toe nail?

      • ELS

        My wedding band was my “something blue.” It’s a sapphire eternity ring (my husband’s birth stone).

    • Chicagoan

      I had a blue rosary borrowed from a friend wrapped around my bouquet (or applicable religious symbol would work!). Congratulations and best of luck!

  23. FrankieCat

    Does anyone have any experience with Alopecia with young children? My niece who is almost 12 just started to develop Alopecia and is starting to lose significant amounts of hair. Niece is feeling a little depressed and I am looking for resources/anecdotes on how to approach this if it comes up with her or parent. Her mom is very distraught and speaks about it often.
    Thank you

  24. Stella Link

    This morning I woke up and couldn’t find my 16 yo cat. I have turned my house upside down. I don’t think he got outside (indoor only) but I have walked the neighborhood, called animal control, vets offices etc. I’ve looked everywhere inside. Normally, I am a responsible, put-together adult–but today I find myself bawling my eyes out. He has been such good old friend and I know that if he could come, he would…

    • cbackson

      Is there a vent or duct he could have gotten into? One time my BFF’s cat managed to climb into a suitcase through the tiny unzipped part. Cats are very crafty!

      (I will be thinking of you and hoping he’s just off on an unexpected adventure.)

    • anon

      check suitcases, vents, radiators, under-couch areas, closets, under beds, bedding, towels, laundry hampers. if there’s a chance he got outside, call all of your local shelters (including the pound) to alert them, and start putting up signs ASAP. it may be easier to find him at night (cats will hide during the day if they get lost outdoors). put out some stinky fish (tuna, anchovies) to try to lure him.

    • Anomalie

      Sending you all the most positive, finder-y thoughts. 16 is pretty old, is there a chance he’s not feeling well? When cats are sick or ill, they hide – and they hide well. I’ve lost an inside cat before and turned the place inside out looking, swearing I’d checked every nook and cranny. A couple of hours later, my cat sauntered downstairs like “what? You rang?” They’re great at hiding. But in case your little guy got out, you might want to leave some food out on your doorstep if you’re able to, to lure him back home.

      And no matter what, you’re still a responsible, put-together adult. You didn’t do anything wrong, and the fact that you’re upset and worried today just shows that you’re a responsible, put-together, *caring* adult.

      • Anomalie

        Also, wanted to suggest checking inside the boxsprings if you haven’t already. My cat chewed a tiny hole in the undercovering of my boxspring so that she could climb up there and hide. It took me years to figure out…

        • anon

          Mine does this too. The same with couches and recliners and pretty much anything he can climb up inside.

    • Emmer

      Did you check the top of your refrigerator? My parents’ cat once hid up there for a while, and my mom couldn’t find him because she is only 5’0!

    • ChiLaw

      Oh how scary!

      We had a kitty go missing in an apartment building — finally found him waaaay down the hall hiding by the garbage chute looking scaredAF, poor thing.

      Sometimes when we can’t find my cat now, he’s in my underwear drawer, just barely visible.

      I really hope your friend is just hiding out somewhere! <3

    • Lilly

      Check your drawers and cabinets if you haven’t already. DH’s family lost a cat for a couple of days when it hid in an open drawer and the drawer then got shut. I hope you find your cat soon, it’s distressing when things aren’t right with furry family.

    • Bonnie

      We once accidentally locked our cat in the fridge. She was fine and no longer tried to steal food from the fridge.

  25. Frozen Peach

    Oh goodness– I’m so sorry for such a hard morning. Hoping he comes back this evening. And if not, we’re here, and please take at least a day to mourn. Even when I was in trial, I took a day off when I had to put my cat down.

    Will be thinking of you and sending you kitty mojo. Please keep us posted!!!

  26. Pilates

    I signed up at a new gym that includes classes. I’ve never done pilates but I have done yoga. Is there anything I need to know before going to a pilates class? I went to one of their yoga classes Saturday and I would have been pretty lost if I had been a true beginner. She just said positions as people went into them – like, “now downward dog” for example.

    • Anon

      I LOVE PILATES! My tip is to stretch a little extra on your own before and after for the first few times. Also, some studios have you wear socks and others don’t. If you do wear socks, don’t wear your oldest, most worn out ones — the one time I wore old socks for a reformer class, my foot slipped off a bar and I ended up with a bruise on my heel. You don’t have to have any special pilates socks or anything, but ones with more grip are better. Enjoy!

    • Anonymous

      Arrive early and let the instructor know it’s your first pilates class so they can help you if needed.

      Watch a couple intro YouTube videos to get an idea of it.

    • Anon in NYC

      I would just tell the instructor that you’re a true beginner and have never done pilates before. He or she should focus on you a little more and give you more tips or physical corrections to get you into the right positions.

    • Anonymous

      Is it mat or reformer?

      If it’s mat, expect it to be pretty similar to yoga in terms of the instructor mostly calling out cues and having to look around to figure out what some of it means (you’ll pick it up quickly though!).

      If reformer, definitely get there plenty early to get an intro to all the parts of the bed, and I think the main thing for a first class is to take it slow. It can take a few times to get comfortable moving around the reformer and knowing how to transition without losing your balance, so don’t be afraid to carefully step off and start over if you’re not sure how to get from A to B.

  27. Doehwlhsoen

    Is there ever any upside to being an honest in an exit interview?

    I’m currently working in a F500 company where the role was misrepresented to me when I joined, and HR insisted that I made certain agreements in signing my offer letter that I did not (working under a specific department). Being a new college grad I didn’t say anything at the time. If I had known the truth I would not have joined, and I am sure experiences like mine affect their high turnover.

    They seem to be taking steps to reduce turnover but in any case it is an industry where people often leave after a few years. Is there any point in bringing it up? I particularly want to do so in relation to campus recruiting where it is often misrepresented

    • EM84

      I have never in my life seen any changes/follow up on input/feedback from exit interviews. However, I would state why I am leaving to HR as well.

  28. givemyregards

    Am supposed to start a new fed gov job on Feb 6 – not sure whether hiring freeze will impact me or not. I had to give notice at my current job even though there was a risk of hiring freeze in order to be eligible for rehire in the future. Should I be begging my boss to let me keep my job? A person below me was going to fill in on an interim basis – it’s all just so awkward I don’t know what to do.

    • Bonnie

      I’d talk to the boss assuming that you’re on good terms. New hires that have not started may be released.

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