This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This is the 100% cotton sleeveless top I want to wear for the rest of the summer. With the pretty lace detailing, it would look great tucked into a pencil skirt for the office or with a pair of denim shorts and sandals for the weekend.
It comes from Ted Baker’s new “Conscious Shop,” which means that it contains more than 50% “responsibly-sourced” materials. Bonus points!
The top is $79 and available in sizes that are roughly equivalent to 0–12. Lace Detail Sleeveless Top
This similar eyelet-trim tank at Banana Republic Factory is lower priced at $24.98–$29.98 (with an extra 50% off at checkout!) but unfortunately is in stock in lucky sizes only.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Lobby-est
Cute! And I love cotton tops- especially in the summer.
Vicky Austin
This is lovely! I’ve never shopped Ted Baker before but I might be tempted…
Anon
Super cute.
LaurenB
Super cute. I have broad shoulders and big upper arms so I’m a little hesitant but it’s tempting.
pugsnbourbon
Same but I think this would still be cute on us. And pretty versatile, it’d look great with jeans or tucked into a pencil skirt.
Marshmallow
What a great pick!! Immediately clicked through to buy it, which almost never happens here anymore. I especially like how the lace gives a little extra coverage so it doesn’t need a jacket thrown over it for Zoom.
anon
Agree — very cute! I’d wear the heck out of this.
Anon
Stress manifests physically for me – clenched jaw, knots in shoulders, stupidly tight hamstrings, and now the left side of my back has seized up.
Work wise this year has been insanely stressful (basically everything in the headlines is what I’ve been working on) but I’ve had to alter my self care due to covid restrictions and frankly working too many hours to properly take care of myself.
I’m currently at my parents for a long weekend (which should be relaxing but we have very different politics and my attempts at avoiding those conversations have been futile), but I think I’ll have to book a massage when I get home.
Any ideas on how to loosen up and relax in the meantime? And any ideas for not holding onto stress so much when I’m back in the office? An ounce of prevention is definitely worth a pound of cure for me.
Ribena
In the Beforetimes I used to start every week with a swim which felt really cleansing and relaxing. I’ve replaced that with a gentle yoga session first thing on a Monday morning – it’s more about taking a deep breath than it is about the exercise .
Anonymous
Read or listen to Burnout by the Nagoski sisters. A fellow rette recommended it here and it has life changing advice.
Anonymous
If you have a picnic blanket or beach towel, just put it down outside somewhere you can see the sky. I find being on my back with my knees up helps my back straighten out and unkink and the weight of my torso pressing it flat is like a statis massage. And the sky is peaceful. There may be a time of day that works best — the “golden hour” is the last hour of light in a day and that is usually a beautiful time (if buggy, muggy, etc. also). Good luck!
Z
Goodness are you me? Jaw clenching and hunching shoulders are my jam when things get bad.
1. Do you have a night guard for your teeth? If u clench and grind in your sleep it makes it much worse in the daytime.
2. Maybe set a timer that goes off every half hour and stop doing whatever you’re doing and de-clench everything and deep breathe for a few minutes.
Anon
Second a night guard. If you already need a retainer, the invisilign retainers double as night guards and are worth the money. When things are really bad and you are home or alone in your office, where the guard during the day. It will make you aware of when you are clenching.
When you have a free moment, an appointment with a chiropractor or PT can help you identify where your issues are and give you home exercises and stretches to do to help with it. My chiro was a lifesaver for me. He’s not a woo woo type and he’s not all snap crackle pop. He uses ART which is a gentle release technique.
Get a Fit Bit or set an alarm on your phone and make sure you move for a few minutes every hour. My fitbit asks for 250 steps per hour which I can usually get in less than 5 minutes. When I had a knee injury (likely from tight hamstrings) and a back injury, separate times, both from stress, moving every hour was key. For the back, I had to fit in several 20 minute walks. It sucks when you are super busy but I did them at times others take a coffee break. Mid morning, lunch, mid afternoon. I found it more effective to do them in the middle of the work day than before work. I could move the mid afternoon one to after work though. I unfortunately had to expand my work day to accommodate the walks but it was worth it to start and end a half hour later to move more during the day, at least until my injury went away. If you are working from home, this is even easier to do. Use a headset and pace while you are on a call.
Feel better!
Anonymous
I echo the swimming suggestion, but that is personal and may not be a good option for you under the current circumstances. Look into chair yoga. This is yoga you can do for a few minutes at your desk when things start to feel overwhelming. I find it very useful and I do not practice yoga for exercise or otherwise except for this.
Ann Perkins!
I could have written this. I haven’t figured it out yet but here are a couple things that make a big difference for me. 1) Posture. I tend to hunch more and more as the day goes on (or sit with my legs crossed all day, etc.) and this makes it impossible to get rid of the tension in my neck and shoulders. Learning to sit up straight and hold your head up makes a huge difference. 2) Basic self care. A/k/a the houseplant rules – you need sunlight, fresh air and plenty of water (plus sleep, exercise, a little down time, some positive relationships, and a spiritual practice if that’s your thing). SO easy to let go of these when you 3) Bedtime routine. I had a bad habit of working up until the last minute and then trying to go right to bed (or catch up on life admin and then go right to bed). This is bad. Find a show or a book (Great British Baking Show for me!), make a cup of decaf, light a candle – doesn’t matter what the ritual is so much as that you have one. Winding down is a nonnegotiable for me. 4) Running is the best stress reliever I’ve found. I was never a runner until my life started to feel out of control, and now I swear it’s what keeps me sane.
Like I said, still a work in progress. Let me know when you figure it out!
cat socks
I like to do some stretching exercises. Fitness Blender on YouTube has some good options.
Anonymous
When I’m chronically stressed and have a particularly bad day, I write down everything that’s stressing me out (big or small) in one column. In the other column, I write down a small action item that works towards “solving” the stressful thing and cross them off my list. If I’m overwhelmed by the election, I’ll write a letter for Vote Forward. If I’m stressed about my health issues, I’ll do some stretching to help with the pain or take a vitamin to help with fertility issues. If I’m feeling disconnected or lonely, I’ll reach out to a friend to family member and schedule a Zoom call. Etc. etc. I find that by doing one small thing related to the stressors I feel more in control (even if it’s an illusion) and it helps me release the physical stress.
pugsnbourbon
I do this a lot. Seeing everything written down keeps it from pinging around in my head.
Anonymous
We are clearly the same person. When things get really bad, I do a warm (not hot) bath before bed with muscle relaxing bath salts and listen to a soothing audio book during the bath. Then straight to bed after the bath — with no bright lights from the start of the bath to bed.
Marshmallow
I’m the same way. Try facial massage with a gua sha stone and any facial oil that smells nice and relaxing to you. I was amazed at how I could literally feel the knots under my jaw release, it’s wild. Just make sure you watch videos about how to do it correctly. Gothamista on YouTube has a good one.
Katie
You may already own them, but a microwavable heating pad/pillow works wonders for my shoulders when I’m tense. Rolling a lacrosse ball across the tight spots can make a big difference if I’m not able to get a real massage. If you’re open to a sleep aid, even just one good night of sleep could help!
anon
Seconding the gua sha recommendation!
Anon
One more though, with doctor’s guidence, if you can find a muscle relaxer that doesn’t make you too impaired / hungover, taking one on the worst nights helps. For me flexeril makes me really groggy the next day but methocarbonate (not sure if I have the name right but I know it starts with meth lol) does not have any negative effect on me.
Anonymous
I’d try magnesium (not the laxative kind, but the kind that relaxes muscles) before a drug, but I agree this can help.
Anony
+1 to Methocarbamol / Robaxin! I had the same reaction to Flexeril and Tizinidine.
Anonymous
Pot, baby.
Anon
Anecdotally, I do not believe I have clinical anxiety, but when I am stressed out, esp. built up stress, I have found it impossible to let it go and relax. It just accumulates and gets worse. DH for years in law school and after would beg me to try to use m*r*juana to relax, and I refused for years because I thought I wasn’t the “type” of person who did that. I finally gave in about a year ago and my quality of life has improved immensely. I do not bear the weight of the uncontrollable stress that plagued me for years anymore.
Anon
Would probably give it a shot but I work for the government so that’s a no go
Coach Laura
I’ve recommended this to several people IRL and all agree it’s helpful. It’s called the Miracle Ball Method. Basically, using soft (between tennis ball and softball-size) therapy balls, laying on them and allowing the ball to massage tight areas. Like a foam roller but you’re able to target specific areas/muscles and release tension. My favorite is putting one under each scapula, followed by relaxing my hips and my neck. Seriously, I feel like I’ve had a massage and a yoga session afterwards, and laying in silence is helpful for the stress relief too. I don’t feel safe getting a massage now but I use these often.
At about $20 from target or amazon, I think they are fantastic. Set comes with two balls and instruction book.
Oh so anon
I experience the same. What has helped me is regular physiotherapy/IMS, extra strength Rub A535, a shoulder support (one of those rubber loopy things that helps hold your shoulders back), plus a Cefaly to handle migraine pain.
Fullyfunctional
Lord Jones CBD body oil on my neck and shoulders helps!
Ribena
Can we talk about changing location but staying in the same job? I’m thinking of moving 450 miles away in the next two years, to a location that would be commutable (2 to 4 times a week – which is all we will go back to post COVID) to my team’s other hub location (London), which is our organisation’s main HQ city. Currently my team is 50/50 between those two locations, with hiring of new colleagues being location-agnostic between the two. My wider department and organisational division in my current city while the rest of the org is headed from the big city (London). Prospects for advancement are about the same in each location.
Normally being hired in London would imply a pay bump but I will assume I won’t get that automatically. The main annoying thing is that I’m grandfathered into our employee discount on my mortgage which I will lose unless I can sell here and buy there on the same day, which seems like an unwise move compared to renting in the new place to try it out for six months or so (it’s a small city on the south coast).
Have any of you made this sort of move? What was it like? Did it throw up any unexpected challenges?
Cb
No direct experience obviously, I’ve lived here for 9 years, and refuse to acknowledge life exists beyond the central belt, but some questions to consider…would you be happy with your living arrangements if you had to do a long/expensive commute 4 days a week? Where do you see yourself long-term? Are the costs comparable? Would staying where you are be a risk or liability if the current political polling is accurate?
Ribena
I wouldn’t do it five days a week but 2-3 would be fine and four would be doable. We’re never going back to full time in the office in my organisation and the rest of the industry seems much the same.
Where I see myself long term is the big one. Closer to ‘home’ is the short answer. The trigger for starting to do some concrete thinking on this was a conversation at the weekend where I was saying that having lived here (Scotland) four years, I love it, but it doesn’t feel like ‘home’ in the same way as the landscape where my parents’ families come from. A family member who has been here nearly 40 years said she still feels the same way, which made me realise that that feeling isn’t just going to go away. So I tried to triangulate – places with a similar vibe to here and Bath, within a couple of hours of home, near the sea. My mum suggested – Chichester. I’ve been noodling around with this vague idea since I was in Sussex last summer and realised how it instinctively felt like home and that was a place that had come up in my research then too.
Costs – the big one is that if I have to lose my employee mortgage it costs me around £30k more over the life of the loan to pay off. So there’s a real incentive to *commit* to the move. House prices are very slightly higher there and the cost of living is otherwise broadly similar. MUCH cheaper and easier to see family (my parents are around 60 and planning to stay where they are) and also get to the Continent by train from there.
The Indy question is a big one. A really big one. I wouldn’t plan to be moving until after the climate conference in Glasgow next year so by then things should be clearer.
GCA
A colleague of mine is in Lewes and, in the Before Times, would commute in to London a couple of times a week – obviously rather long and expensive with trains that come to a grinding halt if a leaf so much as looks at the line. But she felt it was worth it for the same reasons you describe. It sounds like the tradeoffs would be worth it for the things you value – closer to family, a landscape that instinctively feels like home in your bones.
PS Cb giggling at your central belt comment. Some of my colleagues have been working remotely from their parents’ houses in deepest darkest…Inverness.
Cb
Oh no! I worry about my husband’s steady northward progression from London, to Stoke, to Ambleside, to Carlisle, to Edinburgh. It stops here! I spent a few months working for a now disgraced politician in Aberdeen and no thanks!
Z
I don’t have advice but moving to London sounds fun and exciting! Would you make enough to live in a nice area in the city or would you have to commute from further away?
Ribena
It’s not London itself – 90 minutes away on the south coast. I grew up in a commuter suburb of London and hated it (neither the city nor the countryside, no open water anywhere) and all the places I wanted to live on the south coast (where my mum’s family is from – it feels instinctively like home) are too far to want to do the commute every day. Now it’s certain we’ll never go back in five days a week, the perspective has changed a bit.
Z
Ah ok ok I misunderstood.
Equestrian Attorney
Not sure where you’re moving to, but my friend commutes from Brighton to London and the train is notoriously bad, but I’ve been to visit here and it’s lovely down there.
Equestrian Attorney
*visit her, sorry*
Ribena
I’ve heard that about the Brighton line! This would be Chichester which is the same franchise but not as notoriously terrible.
Anonymous
My concern is that you’d be moving to a place with no network, no friends, no family (2 hours away is still far), not near your work. For really vague nebulous reasons about liking the landscape. Chichester is a small town compared to Edinburgh. Home isn’t a landscape. It’s people.
Ribena
That is the biggest worry. I found the first six months or so here really really hard – eventually made friends through volunteering. It was a good two years before I was in a job that I made friends from, so that respect would be pretty similar. Equally, I’ve now done it before and there are things that I wish I had done in month 2 of living here that I could do in month 2 of a new place (if that makes sense).
Ultimately though, I am pretty alone as it is. I am single, only have one of my three closest friends here as it is, and most of my network of friends I grew up with is scattered around the south of England. I don’t have a huge group of pals here, not really.
I want to agree with you about the ‘pretty landscape’ thing – but it’s not just that, it’s a feeling of being at home. The next step ultimately needs to be taking an AirBnB there for a week or so and seeing what I think – if it’s not the right place, no harm done, and I try somewhere else.
Anonymous
I think a work from home visit there is a really great idea! Especially now when you can probably do it without even needing to take time off.
Ribena
Exactly – as long as I’m in the UK with a WiFi connection I can work from anywhere for the foreseeable.
Cb
Which reminds me, we need a socially distanced coffee date!
Anonymous
I agree with you on people vs. place, except there is something about being near the sea if you’re a water person. I would definitely see if you could rent for a few months there and at the same time rent out you’re place if you are comfortable with that. No significant financial investment and it would give you a much better feel of the area and a chance to explore the real estate market in person.
anon.
This made me LOL – I studied in Sussex for awhile and the Brighton line ABSOLUTELY gets delayed for “leaves on the track” for very long periods.
Is it Friday yet?
Same! Having flashbacks to the time a friend and I were trying to get to London on the direct train from Brighton and repeatedly ended up in Three Bridges. Two and a half hours of touring Sussex…
ProfP
worse is cows on the line (Cambridge-London). Ask me how I know
Anonymous
Do you know they will let you transfer? I was told no in a similar situation, and I know other people who were denied internal transfers. All of us had great reviews, sometimes it’s not just about whether you’re a well-regarded employee.
Ribena
My boss has told me she’ll do anything she can to keep me in the business, which is an amazing vote of confidence. In terms of company policy, I don’t think we have a formal policy about domestic transfers – from the HR system point of view the only change is one of office location as my role and hierarchy would remain the same.
Anonymous
This WFH thing is making a lot of us consider moves. We are currently working from an old family cabin in the mountains and have our city place rented. It’s been a great way to explore what being in the area or a similar area permanently would be like. Could you rent out the place you own and rent a small place in your destination and see what it’s like? That way you don’t lose $$ if you end up not loving your new lifestyle. If you do love it you can set up the complicated sales transaction.
Ribena
If I do anything like that with rentals I lose my discounted mortgage rate – so counter-intuitively moving (Buying and selling) twice in a short space of time would cost less than that. The discounted rate was phased out last year so I am able to keep it on my existing loan (Which is portable to a new home) but not take out a new one.
Anonymous
Are you sure about the having to buy on the same day you sell — that seems really very impractical to me — I would explore the terms of the grandfathering position further.
Anonymous
Could you rent your current home out while renting yourself in the new city?
Anonymous
How much money is enough? I work at a midsize regional and just broke six figures. I’m really proud of myself for that (none of my anscestors ever made this). Even so, I look at friends and colleagues who work fewer hours but at larger firms, or who no longer practice law but work in corporate roles – I know the grass is always greener, but I think I’m trying to figure out how green. In my state, working for legal aid including benefits and PTO and retirement is almost $70k/year (take home much less, but I don’t get any benefits/PTO/retirement contributions) so part of me is also like, I’m busting my rear for private companies for… Not “that” much more. I need some perspective and I’m not sure how to get it.
anon
What are your financial goals? What do your monthly costs look like? Will that 70k salary with benefits cover your costs and get you to your goals? These are the questions I ask myself when weighing a lower salary with more benefits vs a higher salary with less benefits. In my case I happen to do okay financially with the lower salary. I would still be able to cover my costs and contribute to savings. It also helps to know that I won’t sit at this salary forever, that there is room for promotions and salary increase. So it was a no brainer for me to choose the job with less stress, a pension, and ample leave aka a government job.
Anonymous
You don’t get health insurance or vacation days at your law firm job? That is bananas. Job hunt.
op
Nope. I have to pay for all these myself. Billable hours goal = no PTO. I can take “all the time off I want,” but meet my billable goals.
Anon
If you can take all the days off you want without a salary reduction, you have unlimited PTO. I realize that’s problematic in its own way, but it’s not a fair characterization to say you have no PTO.
Anonymous
Ok so you do have PTO then. If they don’t pay any part of your insurance I’d still look to move.
Anon Associate
“Take all the time off you want” is not PTO if your billable hour requirement makes it impossible to take time off. I can take all the time I want – as long as I cover all of my hearings, meet all my deadlines, and bill a minimum of 2100 a year (and that is a bare “you won’t get fired but”) minimum). Also, if I leave they will not cash it out (which is one of the biggest reason they do not offer it).
anon
“Also, if I leave they will not cash it out (which is one of the biggest reason they do not offer it).”
Ding ding, this is the difference. The fact that time off is not protected is a psychological and logistical drawback to not having PTO, and the fact that they don’t cash it out means that if you don’t use your “PTO,” the “benefit” disappears and is valueless. No lawyer who bills time would ever say they have PTO. No law firm would say they offer PTO to their associates. It’s just a totally different thing, and it is completely fair to say she doesn’t have it.
Anon Architect
I’m an architect and make about what you do. No perspective to offer on law firm life, but I’ve worked with residential clients who had projects ranging from $100,000 to $100,000,000, and who had net worths ranging from maybe $50,000 to upwards of several billion dollars, and let me tell you – none of these clients thought they had enough money. The one exception to this rule was a practicing Buddhist who seemed very happy with his life (he also, um, had a very nice life!). Like you, I come from a much more modest background, and I’m very grateful I was exposed to clients with this range of wealth while I was in my 20s and early 30s. The experience taught me that we all need enough money to live safely and securely, but no amount of money changes your attitude – only your attitude changes your attitude.
Anonie
I love this answer!
Senior Attorney
My husband and I always say that the perfect amount of money (whether income, net worth,or whatever) is “just a little more.”
Anonymous
Don’t decide based on short term monetary calculations. What is your long term goal? If you want to have independence, stay and make partner. You then shape what you do by the work you go after. If you want to make a difference and are ok with having virtually no career advancement, then move.
Anon
What is enough? That’s so individual, there’s no way strangers can really weigh in. I make about 50k in higher ed admin in a mcol city, have good state health insurance and my expenses are about 30k. I am on track for a solid retirement, don’t want for anything and while I could make more in the private sector, I’ve been there, done that, and going from 40 hour to 60+ hour weeks for a less-than-proportional increase in pay isn’t worth it to me.
Anon
Is your higher ed admin job really 40 hours right now? If so, can we trade? I am living in the all-consuming Covid-19 hell that is combusting higher ed right now, working 60–75 hour weeks, to accompany my reduced salary. It is what it is, and I love my work.
Anonymous
Money is a means not a goal in and of itself. What are your life goals? Start thinking about those goals, including retirement. Cost it out and work backwards. Start with the macro — doesn’t need to be in a huge amount of detail.
Also, understand what it costs you to live now. Do this part in detail. Track everything you spend for a year or so. Make it easy on yourself and use a credit card for as much as you can, so you categorize expenses easily to analyze.
Merge the two and adjust as necessary.
Live your life based on your goals, not someone else’s.
Anon
I’m in a low cost of living area but we have a big house and high property taxes so we have a $2k/month mortgage and escrow. No more student debt. We drive used but not old cars. We each make $90k and I feel that is just right. We can max out our retirement, save additional money, travel (in the good times). We still have to be somewhat cautious of our spending but as long as we are reasonable, we are doing fine. No kids so no daycare. This feels like “enough” to us.
SF in House
For Jeff Bezos, that number is apparently north of $200 Billion.
Anon
I mean, I work for a local level government and I think there is an aspect of grass is greener- I don’t have billable hours but I do get calls in the middle of the night, where I have to leave my house and go somewhere at 2am, I also do have tons of “sick leave” but I can rarely take it and I don’t get it cashed out if I leave. I also work easily 60 hours a week, can get callouts on weekends as well as the middle of the night, and no matter how many hours there are no bonuses, there are no merit raises, just a small yearly bump and everyone gets the same whether you’re awesome or you suck. I guess I would just say be really careful that you’re comparing apples to apples- it kind of sounds like you’re just like “I hate these apples and those apples over there look shiny so I bet they’re great” without actually like…checking it out.
Newbies in WFH land
Has anyone else brought in new hires when you are also largely or all WFH?
We have some new hires that just seem to be a bit MIA. I am one of their few “bosses” (really, anyone can assign them work, but things are slow and my tasks are most of the only work they have) and the only one who is a working mom of zoom schooling kids. Even so, I can confine our interactions to 9-5 (even though I routinely work on either side of that). I am finding that with working remotely, you really need to be responsive and maybe they don’t get what real-job responsiveness is like? I really try on my end (#1 priority is clients; #2 priority seems to be managing them now).
I’m going to go to daily formal check-ins and review calls (I think a lot of people are zoomers/webexers, but I feel that we need screens for comparing documents, etc. vs seeing each other). What else? I feel that there is a bit of a vacuum with other work assigners, so it’s not my problem to fix but if I fix this it will just be better for all of us going forward. I’m a big frustrated (trying to let that out here vs with them — it’s none of our faults really, it is just bad timing).
Equestrian Attorney
I’m on secondment so I joined a new team while full WFH, only I have work experience already. From the employee perspective, it’s really hard to be onboarded remotely, especially if the company doesn’t have a solid system in place. It took about a month for my online access to be fully operational. People didn’t know I was there despite multiple attempts to reach out. I try to let my boss know what’s going on and we speak every day, if only for a few minutes.
BeenThatGuy
This comment sticks out at me “maybe they don’t get what real-job responsiveness is like”. When on-boarding a new hire remotely, they will have no frame of reference what the company culture is like. It’s up to the manager/co-workers to explain the expectations. This is even more important if they do not have a lot of work experience. Good luck; it’s not easy.
anon
My first question for situations like this when you have new hires (especially in a new, unusual situation) is: have you communicated and set expectations clearly? My law firm’s greatest talent is under utilizing/becoming frustrated with/frustrating/driving away new hires because the old guard partners assume that the expectations and path to success are obvious when they are not. Why not just tell them? “Hey so and so, in the office we would be able to just stop by each other’s offices and address things in the moment, but that’s obviously not possible when we’re WFH. In my experience, communication has to be more overt when we’re not all physically together. To that end, I’d appreciate if you would check in more often/try to respond within 1 hr/ keep me more appraised on your progress/reach out to let me know if you need work…”
If I was a new hire, I’d love a daily formal check in (with some flexibility) so that I knew I had an opportunity to ask questions/get feed back at a set time and could rely on that. They may be cautious about feeling like they’re bothering higher ups/looking needy by reaching out.
Flats Only
Your last paragraph is so right. I am a new hire who has been onboarded remotely, and would love a daily check in with the several principals I support. I could ask my questions then instead of feeling like a pest emailing them multiple times per day. Also, in those daily check ins, take a little time to get to know them. Where do they live? Where did they grow up? The usual sorts of informal chit chat you normally get at the office. I have one principal who displays that type of interest, and honestly I feel way more connected and valued on her work, even though it’s the same work I do for the other two. (The other two are men, and I fear they are afraid to ask “personal” questions for fear of inadvertently harassing me in some way).
anon
How exactly are they being unresponsive? Do they not respond to emails, calls, and messages in a timely manner? Are they not turning in deliverables by the deadlines? Do they not update you in between long tasks? Getting things done by deadlines is a given, bit it may help to communicate your expectations with specifics regarding other things.
Anonymous
You assign them a task one afternoon and assume they are working on it. They ask for something the next day that they think they needed to get started with, so they weren’t working and were wrong about what they needed. They don’t look at assigned tasks immediately and just seem to be letting things sit (why?). If you don’t have what you need to get started, ask right away.
anonymous
Are the deadlines clear? Did you tell them when you wanted the task done, or do you think it is obvious from the assignment? Do they understand the scope of work involved– do you discuss this with them or just assume they will comprehend the scope/magnitude of the task immediately and accurately upon receiving the assignment? Did you confirm they received they assignment? Do you know whether they were working on other more pressing deadlines? Obviously I don’t know what it is they needed, but is it possible that the fact that they are new contributed to them not realizing what they needed?
AnonATL
In addition to setting clear expectations, it sounds like they have multiple people assigning them tasks?
If that’s the case, they may be prioritizing other people’s tasks over yours. Whether that is right or wrong is up to you and the other assigners. I’ve had this happen many times in my wfh even in the beforetimes job. I make it a point to say I have xyz to do, can’t do them all at once within the deadline, so we need to figure out what slips and what goes to the front of the line.
You have to create that dynamic though. Especially with new hires.
CountC
Unless they have no other responsibilities, how do they know what to prioritize? If I started every new thing that showed up in my inbox as soon as it showed up, absolutely nothing would get done on time. I work with my clients (the business and customers) to determine prioritization and then if something new comes in, I work with them to fit it into the to do list. I am never caught up and there are always tasks to do, so unless it is holding up a lot of business, it’s rare that I am going to get started on something the minute it gets “assigned” to me.
I agree with others that you need to ensure that the priorities and expectations are communicated clearly and asap.
Anon
We’ve done it and it’s been fine. Honestly, I don’t believe that being remote is bad for onboarding and productivity. Poor management is (or maybe in this case, poor adaptation). Why are you moving to onerous daily check-ins? Have you already been setting clear deadlines and expectations and seeing your new hires not meet them? Have you provided them with the technology they need to do their jobs well? Have you also, you know, acknowledged that we’re in the middle of an insanely stressful pandemic and your new employees are human too?
Anonymous
It’s not all on the employer. They don’t have visibility into what is going on. I get that employers can ghost. But when we were in the office, it was easier to monitor and also see who was a slacker (we had a smoker once who seemed to take an hour for a smoke break multiple times a day and then a whole squad that worked out together).
Are daily check-ins seen as onerous? [Spouse is on calls all day long and has multiple slacks — I think his team is well-interconnected and actually functions. I’d sort of like this where I work but we aren’t allowed to use slack.]
Anon
The fact that you would point to those examples shows that you don’t really get it. Maybe the smoker was a top performer and his frequent breaks had no impact on his work quality. Maybe the group that worked out together greatly improved group cohesion and gave them better concentration for the afternoon. Why don’t you look at the work product rather than butt-in-seat-in-office time? If any of those people were poor performers, you should have dealt with that by setting expectations and laying out consequences if needed, not by increasing surveillance of their whereabouts.
Anonymous
Lordy — sometimes things are what they are!
I know that there is always the crazy genius, but sometimes “Ken is not generally available” is truly a problem. If Ken were locked away in a secret lab and found the cure to COVID, that is great, but IMO those stories are so rare as to be the exception (and then, with senior people where their track record is known) and not the rule. We have a hire no one has met who has always WFH (chain smoker) and no one cares b/c he is on a team that makes it work for them. I doubt he will ever get promoted b/c no one has ever met him but he seems to be on stable footing as a worker bee.
Airplane.
Yes, OP you have really out of date ways to measure productivity. You’re talking about smoke breaks and workouts? Talk to me about deliverables, work product, deadlines, quality of output and contributing to non-toxic team and group dynamics.
Anon
I agree that the “crazy genius” cases are overstated, but one thing I KNOW to be true at our job is that hours billed on our timesheets has zero relation to the quality or amount of the work product. One of my colleagues at my level screws around for hours looking at memes, but can then produce an amazing report in two hours. Another more senior colleague bills like crazy, including on weekends, and is known for being someone who cannot. get. things. done (a trend he adheres to both in the office at at home). You simply MUST look at output and quality of work to know anything about productivity.
anon
Yeah, no one is saying that general unavailability is always acceptable, but what people are encouraging you to do is to actually identify the specific issues your new hires are facing and causing. Whether Ken the smoker is a “good” employee or not doesn’t matter. You are the employer. You set the tone for new hires. They are not mind readers. You communicate expectations clearly to them. You don’t need visibility into what’s going on like some Big Brother overlord- you need to communicate with the people you’re having issues with. Do you want to solve the problem, or are you more interested in getting validation for judging these new hires for being “unavailable”?
Anon
Yeah, a whole squad working out together actually seems wonderful. Team building; boosting morale that they have these buddies with something in common which isn’t always a given in coworkers; a way for them to all bond without needing to involve booze. Not to mention the personal endorphins and extra motivation in other areas of life one gets when one works out. And potentially a decrease in corporate insurance if they all stay healthy! (Okay, the smoker might offset that).
Anonymous
IDK — if I had this pressure at work (work + workout with boss), I wouldn’t like it. But if it’s the group expectation, it doesn’t seem optional.
Anon
Oh, I didn’t read the original comment to mean or mean to imply in my response that this was a tidy group all under one boss who all feel pressured to work out together. I read it as, there were simply a group of like minded individuals – I assumed in a variety of functions – that happened to bond over maybe all doing a popular work out class nearby or something. I guess by my comment of “team building” I didn’t mean that literally, just team building in the sense that it’s sometimes nice to have something in common with coworkers and maybe that will benefit cross function needs one day.
Agreed, a team pressured work out with the boss would be no good.
Airplane.
Actually, it is on the employer and manager to give them visibility into what is going on so they have context for their tasks. They don’t know what they don’t know as new people and part of on boarding and training is giving them a view into the broader strategy, business goals etc. Also, are you actually articulating your expectations when you assign the work? “Don’t know what else is on your plate but I want you to look this over ASAP and come to me with any questions you need answered to started today, since the deadline is next week” or whatever.
Anon
you can share screens/documents on zoom. i think there is nothing wrong with daily check ins, maybe making expectations more clear about what they should be doing proactively vs. what they should be waiting for, and giving deadlines to the work.
Anon
If this is happening with more thanone new hire, then it seems that there is something that is missing in the onboarding process.
Di
I work for a very large org and have to email my manager my daily agenda / to-do list at start of the day, and then resend that list at the end of the day with accomplishments and additional work not planned for. It seems simple but I think it helps with visibility and productivity. Maybe something for the new hires.
Cb
I need an escape from the real world / my normal literary fiction and have enjoyed some fantasy novels recently – The Bear and the Nightingale, The Missing of Clairedelune, Spinning Silver. Any other recommendations for me? I don’t think I’d like something too gory, or too technical (like massive worlds that I need a chart or map to follow), but something a bit more light. Bonus for a female protagonist, not opposed to a little romance.
Anonymous
Library of Legends (Janie Chang) is more mysticism than fantasy, but it’s not too gory or technical and has a female protagonist with some romance (but it’s definitely not the driver of the story).
Circe (Madeline Miller) is fantastic, although mythology, not fantasy.
Beasts of Extraordinary Circumstance (Ruth Emmie Lang) is beautiful magical realism, although has a male protagonist.
The Golem and the Jinni (Helene Wecker)
Practical Magic series, if you haven’t read them!
Senior Attorney
LOVED The Golem and the Jinni.
I also enjoyed The Books of Babel by Josiah Bancroft.
AIMS
Discovery of Witches checks all your boxes, I think. It’s a trilogy.i never quite got into the sequels but I breezed thru the 1st book at the start of the pandemic and it really was just absolutely perfect for the moment.
Anonymous
I posted above— yes this is a great series!
Ann Perkins!
It’s VERY light (fairy tale-esque) but I thought The Girl Who Drank the Moon by Kelly Barnhill was absolutely lovely. Also Neil Gaiman is very much in the deep end of fantasy literature but The Ocean at the End of the Lane on audio is just a wonderful experience. Other favorites: His Dark Materials, Children of Blood and Bone, The Night Circus, and A Wrinkle in Time.
Ribena
Not fantasy but swoony historical – Laura Wood’s novels. Under a Dancing Star is based on Much Ado About Nothing.
Vicky Austin
Oooooh, thank you!
Ribena
In the same vein there’s all of Eva Ibbotson’s romances, Eva Rice’s The Lost Art or Keeping Secrets and of course I Capture The Castle.
AIMS
Much Ado About Nothing is my favorite! The whole they hate each other, they love each other is maybe my most go-to premise in novels, at least for comfort reading. checking this out!
cat socks
I liked the Firebird Series from Claudia Gray.
A Thousand Pieces of You
Ten Thousand Skies Above You
A Million Words With You
I also liked the Kendra Donovan series from Julie McElwain. It’s not really fantasy, but there is time travel involved. The first one in the series is A Murder in Time.
Gail the Goldfish
I just finished The Ten Thousand Doors of January and really enjoyed it. I think it might technically be YA fantasy. YA fantasy is great for this–favorites are Diane Duane’s Young Wizardy series, Tamora Pierce’s Tortall Series, The Blue Sword. For more adult fantasy, anything by Brandon Sanderson, but start with his Mistborn trilogy. A Discovery of Witches is also fun (and now a tv show)
Anonymous
JY Yang’s Tensorate series (The Red Threads of Fortune, The Black Tides of Heaven)?
Anonymous
A Natural History is Dragons is a fab little serious with a female protagonist. Also agree with a Discovery of Witches.
Nelly Yuki
Have you read The Hazel Wood by Melissa Albert? Dark fairy tale, and there is sequel now or coming out soon.
Anon
I liked the City of Brass trilogy, and the Daughter of Smoke and Bone and Strange the Dreamer books by Laini Taylor as well as several of those mentioned by others- the Golem and the Jinni, the Night Circus, and Discovery of Witches.
NYCer
Next Year in Havana
Rules of Civility
All the Light We Cannot See
The Night Circus
anon
Terry Pratchett is a slightly different vibe, but amazing and funny. The ones with female protagonists are the best: Men at Arms with Angua the female cop; Carpe Jugulum with Granny Weatherwax the witch; Monstrous Regiment with a nearly all female cast.
Anonymous
Definitely the Golem and the Jinni.
Maybe the Winner’s Curse trilogy.
cbackson
If you liked those particular books, I’d highly recommend the following which are very similar in feel:
-Robin McKinley (especially The Hero and the Crown and The Blue Sword – but not Deerskin. It’s great but very dark.)
-Uprooted (also by Naomi Novik)
-Wintersong by S. Jae-Jones
You might also like Holly Black’s books (I’d try The Cruel Prince) or Maggie Stiefvater’s Raven Cycle.
Anonymous
Another vote for Holly Black.
An Ember From The Ashes by Sabaa Tahir.
I also liked The Tiger at Midnight by Swati Teerdahla.
Carmen Sandiego
Seconding several of the ones named above:
– Daughter of Smoke and Bone
– The Night Circus
– The Golem and the Jinni
– Strange the Dreamer
Also:
– The Rise and Fall of D.O.D.O.
– The First Girl Child
– The Poppy Wars
Cb
Oh wow, this is an incredible list, folks! Storing this away and I’ll do a library list tomorrow.
Anonymous
Love all those! I’m assuming you’ve read the last two in the Bear and the Nightingale Series. Also Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo is awesome.
sg
You might like Sara Maas’s A Court of Thorns and Roses series, female protagonist, romance, light/moderate world building with fantasy. I think they are technically YA.
PNW
The Broken Earth series by N.K. Jemison!
Elbe
+1
Anne-on
I’d strongly suggest Becky Chambers wayfairer series, they always leave me in a better mood than I came into them with. Basically, people finding their way in space.
Anon
No idea why this is the pressing thing on my mind today, but here we go: have you had laser hair removal surgery? Where? How much? Do you regret it, or was it the best thing ever? For some reason I’m pondering the merits of doing my underarms and I’m curious.
Anonymous
I did upper lip and chin. It was great—hurts a little, not that bad. It’s not permanent is the key expectation. 7 years later, there’s hair that has come back, maybe 20%?
Katie
I did my chin and underarms. I’d love to do the rest of my body, but can’t justify the cost of larger areas. These were areas that bothered me the most, and I wish I’d done it sooner!
Anonymous
I am almost at the end of my treatment sessions of getting laser done on my lower legs and underarms. I think they only part that actually I would describe as “wow, that kind of hurts” is on my shins. I’ve read that it’s like a rubber band snapping against your skin, which I think is a fairly accurate way to describe the sensation. I’ve actually seen a few different technicians since I’ve started, and they all have commented that the procedure really doesn’t seem to bother me and I don’t move/squirm like most people. I think I might have a higher pain tolerance than most people, I get regular Brazilian waxes that have never hurt, ever, and I had a natural child birth experience (that I would describe as the worst pain ever, and it was not my choice to go that route (baby came too fast for any other option).
So far, I’ve noticed an incredible difference in the lack of new hair growth, and I am thus far pleased with the results. I paid about $1700 for both of my treatments. They offered a 0% payment plan to spread it over 4 sessions, so I did that. The place I went also accepts spafinder gift cards, so I get those from Costco (pay $80 for $100 worth of gift cards) so that saved me an additional 20% off of the $1700, so I ended up paying $1360 total.
Meara
I had my lower legs, bikini line, underarms, chin, and lip done, over the course of a couple years, maybe 5 years ago? I went three different places to start, with groupons—one did nothing, one got maybe 60%, and one was super effective. So I went back to the effective place to do everything. I do have the pale skin/dark hair that works for it though. And it basically did nothing for my chin and lip (either that or it did, and I’d otherwise have a full beard now?) but best splurge ever for everywhere else. Just a hair or three in each spot that’s only noticeable if I let it grow for months. So maybe once a month or so I do a quick swipe and I’m totally good to go. It’s awesome-I had pretty thick dark hair before, so I love it.
Anon Probate Atty
I’ve had laser on my chin, back of neck, sides of mouth/ mustache area, underarms, stomach and bikini line. Worked best on back of neck, sides of mouth and stomach – have had very little regrowth, and this was 7-8 years ago. For bikini line, I had significant regrowth, I’d say 50% has grown back, but I haven’t redone it because laser in that area was painful and I’m okay with it the way it is at this point. Underarms, some regrowth but not bad. For the chin, the only thing that worked permanently was electrolysis. It was a lot more painful than laser, but worth it.
Anon
A lot of medspas have deals right now through Groupon etc because it is a procedure they can do very safely in the context of Covid19 (unlike say, a facial or microneeding). I am getting my legs done and if I’m happy with it will strongly consider getting underarms and ummm possibly brazillian if anyone can comment on that. I have less tolerance for spending time and energy grooming myself with each passing day…
Mal
I’ll be the outlier and say that it didn’t work for me I as hoped – I just did my underarms, 10 sessions, and it didn’t eliminate hair for me. I understood that it wasn’t permanent, and that I may still have some hair growth, but for me I still have to shave as usual. The hair may be a bit finer, but that’s it. Maybe I have just really stubborn follicles? The fancy medspa I went to just said some people need more treatments than others. I’m just not willing to spend more money on it right now.
Mal
Sorry, I actually did 8 sessions, not 10.
anon
I got my legs done at a medspa run by a cosmetic surgeon. His office was in our county’s medical center so I didn’t think it was any less legitimate just because it’s a medspa, i.e. I felt like I went to the correct professional. I paid $400 for 12 total sessions spread across two years, through Groupon. The non-groupon price would’ve been much higher, though in retrospect I should’ve coughed up the money to get other areas done as well. I got excellent results and haven’t shaved in three years. Sadly the technician informed me that they were getting rid of the machine/service and any touch ups I wanted would have to be done within that year. Now I want to get my bikini area done but I’m still too lazy to find another place.
anon
Laser hair removal was by far one of the best things I have ever done. I did my legs, bikini area, and underarms. Underarms hurt 10x more than other areas, but it’s not intolerable. I think I did 8 sessions total at a medispa in a plastic surgeon’s office. I still have a few hairs here and there (I was supposed to go back for touchups but never did) but it takes about two seconds to clean them up with a razor and they are very fine. It is AWESOME not to have to shave all the time.
Middle school COVID edition
Older kiddo recently started Zoom middle school. I am amazed at parents who have survived this in Before Times. They are emotional! Kiddo doesn’t care about all of that usual “OMG how will I look on camera stuff” (yet), but still I feel like she feels like she would be happier in her own apartment with no grownups around at all b/c Independence And I Can Do It Myself. [Except for anything more complicated than using the microwave.]
Question: kiddos have staggered lunch times and I am trying to get them to be responsible for their own lunches. They haven’t been in grocery stores since Before Times. I am thinking of taking them each separately (all masked up) to the store to shop for their lunch foods thinking that if they have some ownership of the task then things may go more smoothly. #Adulting.
Anonymous
Mine have staggered lunches in 1st and 3rd grade. Hate it, and not sure how this is going to work at all. It’s like they think each kid has a dedicated butler for all the stuff we are supposed to coordinate. For your age kids I think your plan works. Maybe come up with a list of 3-4 things you have stuff for and they can pick one of those each day).
Anonymous
Basically, all school functions other than instruction and general curriculum are parent jobs. The reteaching of math was always my job (the other day: to the left of the decimal, it is ones, tens, hundreds; to the right of the decimal, it is tenths, hundredths, thousandths; no, I don’t know why it’s not oneths; yes, symmetry would have been nice; someone did tell you that you move from right to left by multiplying by 10 or being ten times higher, yes?; and you know these are all fractions but all in tenths or hundredths so they can be flat and horizontal and not done with a slash like 1/3?]
Ugh.
Our school district is offering to provide breakfast and lunch via bus drop-off or pickup, I think in part b/c we are a poor urban district and in part to keep hourly workers employed. I’m tempted (but kiddos are in far-apart schools), but may just donate b/c some people are truly needy and I am merely annoyed. [If I don’t keep my job though I will be annoyed and needy, so the white-knuckling continues.]
Anonymous
They’re offering lunch because they are required to do so by law. If you want to feed your kids the free lunch by all means sign up!
Anonymous
OP on this: I don’t think it is feasible for me to drive all over the city to pick up lunches, but don’t want people to lose their jobs either, so happy to fund for others.
Anon
Could you pack them lunches like you may have done in the before times? Then when it is lunch time they eat out of their lunch sack? I know they will want some socialization and interaction during lunch time but that will be easier than stopping work twice to make lunch and talk! It could make lunch 15 minutes instead of 45 minutes and give kiddo some down time when not eating before “school” resumes.
BeenThatGuy
I love the idea of taking them to the store and letting them pick out their own items. “Little Miss Independent” can even prepare by going on Pinterest and looking up lunch ideas. My teenage niece loves to do this and create all different types of smoothies and salads. It has made her very self-sufficient and her little sister is now taking an interest too. Keep in mind that lunch doesn’t have to be traditional. A yogurt, fruit and granola bar can be sufficient on some days and takes zero effort.
I have set my 7th grade son up in an apartment like setting. I never wanted him to have his computer in his room but these times warrant it. His room is large (converted attic space) so he’s able to have his desk, bed, a gaming area and enough space to do some exercising too. The only thing I have to do is hide the xbox controller during school hours. I will say giving him that independence as made him so much more confident.
Anon
have them pack lunch the night before like they would if there were regular school so they can just pull it out and eat it at their time. if you have easy outside access, i would encourage them to eat outdoors for some fresh air. also, as noted above – i used to eat yogurt, fruit and cereal for lunch every day in high school. granted if i ate that for lunch now i would still be starving…
Anonymous
+1,000,000 — anything that can be done the night before like it used to be is going to be helpful to the day.
Anon
Great minds. I just posted the same thing above LOL.
No Problem
I think this is a great age for them to start understanding a bit about nutrition and how to make a meal. Give some guidance on what constitutes a lunch in your eyes, e.g., it needs at least one serving of protein and at least one fruit or vegetable and you have to be able to assemble it in under 10 minutes. For me growing up, it was generally a sandwich plus two sides (usually fruit and goldfish crackers). But it could also be leftover mac and cheese plus a side, or soup and crackers, or a salad with adequate fixings, or something “unorthodox” like the poster said below about yogurt, a granola bar, and fruit. Work on giving them a framework to choose from and plan out their meals for a week. Maybe this week it’s turkey sandwiches with some chips and carrots, maybe next week it’s some other formula. If you take them grocery shopping, it’s also a good way to teach them a bit about meal planning (make a shopping list! buy enough to last until your next trip!).
Lovely idea
I agree with no problem. I have no advice to provide to “Middle school COVID edition” OP, other than you sound like a great mom. Stay encouraged, and keep up the good work! :)
Anne
I think that’s a great idea but also can it just be the same thing everyday? I had a bagel (butter, cream cheese or pb and j) every day of middle school and high school (it was the 90s, carbs were considered healthy). I can’t imagine my mom having been willing to work that out with me every day.
Anonymous
My kids are in 4th and 6th grade and doing 100% virtual school right now. The 6th grader doesn’t have a set lunch time but the 4th grader does. (10:45?!) I will make my younger one lunch and my older one can choose to eat at that time too or can wait. He often waits and will make his own lunch. Choices include making a sandwich, heating up various frozen things in the microwave or oven (corn dogs and chicken nuggets mostly), leftovers from dinner, or he will eat something random like cereal and yogurt or string cheese. We always have plenty of fresh fruit, veggies with dip, and usually something like goldfish crackers. Between those things, he manages not to starve haha. My younger one learned to make scrambled eggs and french toast this summer while I was working in the other room!
Anonymous
How long do they get for lunch? My ninth grader only gets 25 minutes and is a slow eater, so cooking is not really feasible. What works best is to have her prep something she can heat in the microwave or eat cold straight from the storage container, like a rice bowl or a salad. She can prep for Monday-Wednesday on Sundays and for the rest of the week on Wednesday afternoon.
I have to make sure that fruit and a drink are next to the food in the fridge or she will “forget” to have those with her lunch.
Outpatient surgery
I have come to the conclusion that outpatient surgery is not minor surgery (yet work and many people seem to treat it as such — “just a minor procedure” etc.). I think it is major surgery that you won’t likely die recovering from (so you can recover at home and be less exposed to hospital germs and save $ and a hospital bed) but will still be wrecked and feel awful for quite a while potentially. Inpatient surgery just seems like the recovery needs more medical monitoring (and possibly before surgery tests / monitoring) or you are incapacitated to where it isn’t safe at home immediately.
Anonymous
I think the saying is “it’s only minor surgery if it isn’t happening to you.”
Anon
Having had several outpatient surgeries myself, this is so, so true.
Also, for anyone who has had this done, if you’ve been under general anesthesia during the surgery, when it’s time to go home, you’re probably going to say “this is fine. I feel fine.”
That is a lie. The next day you’re likely going to feel like you’ve been hit by a truck.
The issue is that right before you went home, even thought you were awake, the general anesthesia was still affecting your pain level and giving you a euphoric feeling. You were probably also immediately relieved you survived the surgery and that it went well.
How you feel in the recovery room is a poor indicator of how you will feel the next day.
Anon
I don’t think “outpatient surgery” is one size fits all. Some can be majorly disruptive, and others less so. I’ve had more than my fair share of outpatient surgeries, largely orthopedic in nature and on my lower extremities causing major mobility issues, though not exclusively, and no one has ever dismissed them as “just a minor procedure”. Have you experienced differently or is there a reason you’ve had to come to this conclusion?
Anonymous
Right. Outpatient surgery can be a tiny skin thing OR total joint replacement (in our hospital system anyway).
Anonymous
Are you … making an announcement?
Anonymous
Sounds like a job where if your outpatient surgery is 10-12, there is no reason you aren’t available for work by 1. We are WFH. By 1, you are home. Working. Some jobs are like that. If you aren’t in a coma, you are on call.
Anonymous
Ok?
88 Pzs
I think this all depends on the procedure; often even major surgery is outpatient if it can be accomplished via nerve block rather than full anesthesia. Example: my husband (former American football defensive lineman) had to have his entire shoulder repaired with four anchors, his rotator cuff and labrum completely re-done. It took him 4-6 months to fully recover from surgery, and was an immobilizer sling for 3 months. It was outpatient. But, I had a birth mark removed and it was outpatient. So, it really just depends on the surgery, not the time in the hospital?
NY CPA
Agree. I had an ankle tendon repair which was major surgery and extremely painful followed by 8 weeks of non-weight bearing and months of PT. But bc it was a nerve block, it was outpatient and I went home shortly after I woke up.
Anon
I have a friend whose outpatient surgery was just changed to inpatient surgery, NOT because the surgery changed, but because the doctor wants better access in case an underlying condition presents problems. Same surgery, same recovery time, which is consistent with what you are saying. A work colleague also had outpatient surgery over a month ago and is still recovering, as would be expected for this particular procedure. I think you’re right—you can never count of your office’s assessment of your health, but need to look out for yourself.
Anonymous
What do single people do (especially in these times)? Do they get released into the wild where they may have to cab home with no one to note if they start bleeding or take their pain meds wrong? I have had out patient surgery where I have had to hire an all-day sitter starting at 6am for my kids b/c they couldn’t come into the hospital and then my husband had to come into the hospital and wait on site (there is no food on site so he had to pack 2 meals b/c we had to be there so much before the surgery and potentially be there 5+ hours) (or in the parking lot, since one was in COVID times). And then they gave my husband post-op instructions, which I’m glad they also had in writing b/c dude pretends to hear when he can’t sometimes. It would have been easier if I had had a parent come, but my parents are 12 hours away in a hot zone.
Anon
Depending on the surgery, you have to give names/contact info for someone who will be staying with you post-op. I’ve been that person for a friend in the past and the doctor’s office did call me to confirm that I would be there and wasn’t just a random person/number they put down.
I’ve also had friends who hired a private duty nurse for several days post-op.
It’s definitely something to consider if you are single.
CountC
I am stubborn AF and after most of my surgeries have always said I want to Uber home or whatever, but IME hospitals don’t let you do that. I am fortunate to have friends that will pick me up and serve as my emergency contact.
anon
Agree. I had outpatient surgery for endometriosis a few years ago. I was wrecked for the first week, functioning on a minimal level the second week, and finally went back to work during week 3. And it was hard.
Anon
Thank you! I had the same surgery and was wrecked and not working at all one week, work from home week two with limited hours, work from home with normal hours week 3 and back to work week 4. My office manager had the same surgery and was back to work in 2 days, no idea how or why. So of course she frowned on how much leave I needed. Everyone is different! Not glad you suffered but glad to hear someone else had a tough recovery. I also had cysts removed so that could have been in part why.
Formerly Lilly
I don’t think generalizations are accurate. I’ve had outpatient surgery where I was functioning absolutely fine the next day, and I’ve had what should have been minor outpatient surgery on a Friday, and when I looked in the mirror Monday morning while getting ready for work, I looked like a corpse. Kind of functioned like one at work for a couple of days too. I’ve had major surgery in the form of a knee replacement where I was back at work and fine ten days later, same surgery on the other side where I was down and out for a month, and a different kind of major surgery where I was down and out for almost a month and not fully recovered for a year. My takeaway is that one can have expectations about one’s own or another person’s surgical recovery, but really it’s a crap shoot as to how it goes, so expectations may need to be adjusted.
Senior Attorney
Where I live there are aftercare centers that will pick you up from the surgery center, take you to their facility (or maybe a hotel room), and have a nurse take care of you for the first day/night or two. TOTALLY WORTH IT. I used them when I had my tummy tuck and literally can’t imagine how I would have managed on my own, or even with a friend to help.
Alone in Austin
SA – I had a brachioplasty and lower face lift 9 days ago. Even though I was under anesthesia for 6 hours, it was considered “outpatient.” I told them I wanted to stay overnight in the hospital and I cash paid ($1,500 – not too bad). Made it easier for the surgeon to check on me in the morning and made me feel good that I was being monitored. I’ll do tummy tuck, etc. next year. What do they call those aftercare centers? That sounds like a good idea. I know I’ll be wiped out afterwards b/c I sure have been with this one.
Senior Attorney
Hey congratulations on your surgeries!! Good move staying over — that wasn’t even ever an option for me.
They’re called “aftercare centers” or “post surgical recovery centers.” I used this one https://www.beverlyhillssurgicalaftercare.com/ some years ago, which is an actual center and was great. And then I used this one more recently, which is more of a private duty nursing service that rents rooms in a luxury hotel: http://trinityaftercare.com/. Your surgeon may be able to recommend a service.
Good luck with your recovery! The results will be worth it! And I always say this, but whatever they tell you about recovery time? Double it!
Senior Attorney
Reply in mod so check back!
edj3
My lumpectomy last year was outpatient surgery under general anesthesia. I was home by the afternoon. It’s not really minor surgery, although very different from the 7 major abdominal surgeries I’ve had in the past. But boy howdy, rolling over was a chore and who knew armpit pain radiated as far as it does.
Anon
Anyone who had used EltaMd sunscreen and can comment on its quality? I’ve been seeing a lot of influencers and celebrities push this brand, but am not sure if it’s actually that great or just had a really good marketing team.
Z
I see EltaMD recommended a lot on the skincare addiction subreddit. I also follow a dermatologist (who is also a lifestyle blogger) on instagram and she says that she uses that and recommends it to a lot of her patients.
Anonymous
I looked into buying some, even the influencers warn you not to buy it on amazon as it’s fake or unauthorized by the company … but the company did not sell it directly online or anywhere I had access. So I did not buy.
Anon
I like it, but don’t think it’s the holy grail.
Anonymous
Yes, it was recommended by my derm and I love it. I like the tinted UV Clear. The tint doesn’t provide coverage, it’s just more to get rid of the white cast. I also like their tinted UV elements.
Anonymous
It’s very good
anon
My derm recommended it to me years ago. It works great for my skin.
Anonymous
My derm recommends it. I am so rarely out before evenings that I am just a drug store girl, but if I were going on a beach vacay in July where I’d be in full sun during the day time I might get it for the trip. It seems really good from the samples I’ve gotten in the past.
Anonymous
I’ve been using it for years – my derm recommended it because other “holy grail” sunscreens I had tried always caused me to break out. So I’m a long time fan. I buy from DermStore.
Sunflower
I love it. It’s the only sunscreen I found that I can successfully wear under makeup.
Carmen Sandiego
My derm recommended it to me a few weeks (maybe a month?) ago and I’ve been using it since then with no adverse affects on my skin.
Anonymous
I have used it for several years. I love it. I am very fair and it really protects me from the sun. I also don’t break out from it. On the other side, DH hates it. He thinks it is too think and greasy.
Anonnn
It was the top recommended brand by my derm just this spring (she doesn’t sell it – had me buy it through dermstore . com). She also recommended Cerave and some other drug store products to for my skin care regimen, so she’s not all expensive/brand driven. Honestly, I absolutely love it. I have PCOS and trend to acne/oil, and I find it to be really neutral.
I tend to default-hate anything pushed by influencers so I don’t like to hear that this one is being pushed, but I’ll vouch that this skeptic really likes it.
Anon
I don’t think influencer or celebrity endorsement means anything beyond marketing, tbh.
NYNY
I have very sensitive skin, and can’t wear a lot of sunscreens because they cause irritation. Any moisturizer with SPF I’ve tried, even ones supposedly formulated for sensitive skin, make my face red and painful. My derm suggested Elta MD, which she sold, and I had FSA money I needed to burn through, so I got some. Pro: it’s effective and doesn’t irritate my skin. Con: it leaves a noticeable residue on my face that balls up if I rub it. Still, better than most other things I’ve tried.
anon
I was given a sample by my derm a few years ago and didn’t like it, I found it made my skin feel greasy.
NY CPA
+1
Also the white cast was awful
anon
+1 on the white cast.
I dislike it. I used to use Japanese sunscreens then switched over to EltaMD when I got pregnant because hard to find physical sunscreens. It does not absorb/apply well (which may be the case for all physical sunscreens) and leaves a TERRIBLE white cast (also maybe a problem for physical sunscreens). I am only using it until I’m done breastfeeding. I heard the tinted one gets rid of the white cast problem (but what if the tint doesn’t match my skin tone…).
Also maybe this is a pregnancy problem and not an Elta problem, but it makes me breakout and clogs my pores like no Japanese sunscreen has ever done before.
Anonymous
I’ve used it a ton because my husband works at the parent company and can get it at the company store for $6. The sunscreen is fine? I haven’t seen any difference from my drug store brands, and I certainly wouldn’t pay full price for it. Their moisturizing facewash and AM therapy lotion though… It is the only combination that doesn’t make me break out, and I will happily pay full price for these when my husband moves on!
Anonymous
Me! I see it recommended a ton, I am a crazy person about sun protection and wear spf every single day. I ordered a few different things during a Dermstore sale. I do not like it. I find it greasy, not good under makeup, stings my eyes, the tint in the tinted ones are quite orangey and looks splotchey once it dries down. I gave them to my mom because I’m not wasting my time on spf I don’t like. For what it’s worth, I LOVE the following spfs: Purito Centella Green Level, Purito Comfy Water (this one is a physical spf with no white cast), Canmake UV Mermaid Gel. Also a cult favorite is Biore Watery Essense spf but it’s too drying for my dry skin.
Anon
My Fitbit battery is kaput so I’m looking for a new fitness tracker. I had a charge 3, I liked the functionality but didn’t like the look and felt that it was a little buggy.
Functionality I care most about is activity tracking (steps/distance/calories/heart rate and active minutes) and sleep tracking (including phases). I also like how I can track weight / food / water in the app. I want to wear it as my every day watch but also have it be good for fitness tracking (care more about fitness tracking than smart phone features). I’d also love a watch that can auto-recognize workouts and/or provide workout guidance.
I’m considering an Apple Watch but not sure if I want that level of connectivity. Have also been looking at a few Garmin models, but open to everything.
Korvapuusti
I have a Withings HR – I really like the look of a real watch and I got a metal band to wear it. Some sites say the tracking isn’t as accurate, but since I’m using it for more relative measures I don’t mind. I think they are more popular in Europe and don’t have as much market share in the US, but I like it.
Anon
There’s some I like that look like normal watches but I think I’d be hesitant to workout in them. How’s the workouts with one that looks like a watch?
Agree that they probably are all inaccurate but I’m also more interested in relative stats
Korvapuusti
I’ve been wearing it with the metal band for all my workouts (and sleeping) for about a year now – mostly bootcamp/ HIIT type sessions, but also running, some yoga and barre. I haven’t had any issues with it for those activities.
They just changed the app with an upgrade I don’t love, but it’s easy to revert back to the old timeline view. I also have a Withing Scale that is connected to the app. And it’s integrated with MyFitnessPal, so my exercise can impact my daily calorie allocation, if you track your food intake.
Anonymous
I had a Withings Steel HR and it was great until the day is simply stopped charging. It looked great, had a wonderful battery life, and worked really well until it would not charge. I also did the Motiv ring, which was also great. I took up running and wanted something with built in GPS, so I switched to to a Corros Apex. All are good, just depends on what you want/need. I read an article this morning on a new wearable from Amazon — the Halo Fitness Tracker. Sounds like it might be interesting as well.
Anonymous
I also have a Withings and have no issues with working out with it. In fact, it was one of the first waterproof trackers.
brokentoe
How were you able to tell it’s the watch’s battery and not the charger? Two days ago, I tried o charge my Versa and nothing happened. Everything had been fine up until then.
Anon
It seems to charge fine – takes a normal amount of time to charge, says its fully charged, and then dies 3x a day
Sloan Sabbith
There were a lot of issues with the Charge 3 battery- my mom just had the same problem and replaced it with a Charge 4.
Anonymous
If you like and want another FitBit, call their customer service about the battery issue. They will give you thoughts on how to fix and then if they can’t, give you a discount code for the next one.
I love my Apple watch, but if activity and sleep tracking are your important factors, Garmin is WAY better at that.
Sloan Sabbith
BTW- Target has the Charge 4 for the same price that Fitbit offers you with their “discount.”
Anon
Love my Charge 4 and meets all your needs.
Anon
I recently got a Garmin Venu. I was looking for the factors you’ve listed, but wanted something that looks more like a watch than a Fitbit. I love it so far! I chose the Garmin over an Apple Watch because I read that AWs do not hold their charge long enough to be good sleep trackers. I top off the charge for my Garmin while I’m in the shower twice a week, and have had great battery life. It’s really helped me make sure I get activity while working from home.
Logistics help
Logistics question. I am currently in small town A (east coast, with my parents because of covid), my work is normally in large city B (mid west), and am in final interviews for a new role at a different firm in small city C (west coast). If I decide to take the job / get the job, how do I manage all of my belongings in my current office when I give notice? I’ve been there for almost 8 years and there’s a lot of books & other paraphernalia. I’ll be remote and staying in small town A until mid August 2021.
Anon
Ask them, but I assume they’ll mail you your stuff.
CountC
+1 We have been mailing items to people who have been laid off :(
techgirl
We were allowed into the office in scheduled slots to get items that had been left in the office, but if you’re not local I assume they will ship.
Anon
I’ve never really had heartburn much, but lately I’ve had it in weird ways. I ate something spicy that’s part of my regular diet and had heartburn for nearly a day that didn’t go away with tons of Tums. Today, I’ve woken up with heartburn for no apparent reason. I’m in my early 30s and I don’t want to dismiss vague symptoms related to my heart due to family history, but I know heartburn is common for so many. Is this worth calling a doctor about?
Z
Yes, don’t sit there and suffer. I recently went to the doctor for my heartburn and she prescribed Prilosec.
Anon
I have no intention of suffering in silence, but I’m more concerned about cause than treatment.
Anonymous
I think it’s worth getting checked out. It can be a symptom of something else. For me it was a sign that my thyroid was low (and therefore the motility/strength in my whole GI system was impaired, including the muscles that apparently would normally prevent heartburn, and also my stomach acid was low, which was impairing digestion). My PCP thought “heartburn is a symptom of acid” and prescribed a medicine to lower stomach acid, which took care of the heartburn but not any of those other problems. The gastroenterologist took almost the opposite approach.
Carmen Sandiego
I agree with 10:10 am that you should get this checked out, because there’s really no way to speculate about what the cause could be! In my experience it seems like it is hard to narrow down the cause of GI issues because so many conditions have the same symptoms. I agree though, to see a specialist, not just a PCP, and to advocate for yourself if your specialist doesn’t seem to be helping. In addition to the causes mentioned above like motility and thyroid, it could also be something causing your lower esophageal sphincter to open more frequently, allowing acid back up – that could be a physical issue like gaining weight, or a nervous system issue since the nerves control the opening and closing. It could be high pressure in your stomach coupled with a drop in pressure in your esophagus that is trying to equalize and pushing stomach contents up – which can be caused by uneven breathing and/or stress. I think pretty literally hundreds of things can cause the symptoms you’re having. And over the long term, acid reflux can damage your esophagus and lead to pre-cancerous and cancerous conditions, so I would get it checked asap.
Anonymous
I also had heartburn as a symptom of low thyroid! It also can be related to my cycle, and was terrible when I transitioned off the pill and discovered I had a significant hormonal problem. Zantac did nothing. I was nervous about Prilosec but one course cleared it up enough to get the underlying issues under control.
Anon
Thanks all. I actually had an endoscopy last year and it didn’t reveal any issues, but of course things could have changed. I was having different symptoms then (mostly indigestion) and perhaps this is some new manifestation…at least I don’t have an ulcer though, or at least I didn’t before the pandemic.
Anonymous
Might be anxiety. I don’t have anxiety but COVID-19 stress has given me chest pains (to be clear: not from covid. From stress).
Mrs. Jones
+1
Anon
In law school I got heartburn in the afternoons everyday of 1L year, as did my friends. We shared tums. Never had heartburn before or since.
buffybot
Also consider whether you happened to be taking other over the counter meds (e.g., ibuprofen) the day before. That can lead to “unexpected” heartburn for me. Also I used to not have heartburn issues, and now I do based off of certain foods/the day after I have anything to drink. So it makes me think about how my mom complains that she basically looks at a donut and gets heartburn and as a kid I never understood. Meaning, I think age also plays a factor. Or pregnancy…..oooof, worst heartburn ever.
Anon
Do you have heartburn regularly? Do you have it mostly at night? Does your sitting position affect the heartburn? Do you have burps that sometimes surprise you with being almost but not quite throw-up?
If so it could be reflux. I have it. I found out after years that I have a hiatal hernia that causes it. You have to manage what you eat. A GI doc can help you with this.
By the way I had two endoscopies and they never “found” the hiatal hernia, or at least they never told me about it. It was a minor finding on a PET scan I had more recently.
Anon
Somewhat random observation/question. I’ve been asking friends if they can set me up with anyone, out of desperation due to my age and covid. This process has been eye opening.
Some of my friends seemed a little too gleeful of my being single and do not try to help me at all, some have been incredibly helpful and truly sympathetic. Even if the guy they set me up with does not work out, I still really appreciate their effort.
But it has been surprising to see which friends seemed a little too gleeful, and which friends have been truly helpful. I’m sure if I should continue to maintain my friendships with the ones who are gleeful (whom I had previously viewed as very good friends), just as I would like to invest more into friendships with some people I didn’t feel as close (but who have surprised me by their support).
It just feels a little jarring. Is this normal for others?
Anon
*not sure*
Veronica Mars
I’m not sure where you’re getting “gleeful” from– do you have any examples? I also wouldn’t look to much into friends not helping you. It might not be that they aren’t doing it, but that they can’t/don’t have any good prospects for you. I think it’s a tall order to expect each friend to have a prospect for you. Sure, there have been times in my life where I knew more single men and could facilitate connections, but more often than not, if a close girlfirend asked me to set her up with someone, I wouldn’t have anyone to recommend. I mean, yes, I guess I could find any single man in his 30s with a pulse to ask, but generally I think of a setup as more of a “friend of a friend” or someone you could really recommend and wouldn’t feel totally weird asking, “Hey want to go on a blind date with one of my friends?”
Anonymous
I ask friends this not infrequently. Most of them do not have single men friends or they already would have. Idk what is seeming gleeful
Anon
Just to clarify, by gleeful, I mean that they seem to take pleasure in my discomfort at making the ask, I guess. I don’t mean that anyone who does not set me up with automatically gleeful. I’m pretty sure I can tell the difference between someone who just doesn’t know anyone they can set up with, versus someone who seems to take pleasure from me making the request. As in, when you tell someone bad news, the corner of their mouth can’t help but curl upwards. There is a schadenfreude quality to your interaction with them.
Anon
Or your friends could not know how to react to being put in an unfamiliar situation. I make weird faces all the time to unfamiliar requests, it by no means indicates “Glee” it just means I’m processing. But you seem to firmly see anything not neurotypical as malicious.
Carmen Sandiego
+1 to this. I am generally not socially awkward, but I have definitely accidentally laughed in awkward situations before, not because I thought anything was funny, but because I was uncomfortable and it was just an involuntary reaction to that. Is it possible you’re misinterpreting something like this as glee on the part of your friends!?
Just a thought
I think you are overestimating you’re own ability to read people here. How do you know the _source_ of this supposed glee is your discomfort in making the ask? That would mean a) you are uncomfortable asking b) your discomfort visibly showing c) your friend can tell you are uncomfortable d) you are correctly interpreting their reaction as “glee” e) the source of glee is your discomfort. That’s just so much to assume you are reading correctly.
Anonie
Yes! “Don’t attribute malice” etc
Anon
+1 Glee is a weird conclusion to come to.
Amber
I think I know what you mean. I was single into my mid thirties and had a friend who would always check in on me. She was well meaning but also a bit condescending and whenever she asked about whether I was dating, it always felt a bit off in the same way that you mentioned. I would focus more on the friends that are being supportive. Keep your head up!
Anon
Wow, I think I would smile if you asked me to set you up with someone. I would be happy for you! I would be impressed that you were putting yourself out there and taking chances to get what you want. I would be gleeful, but gleeful with you, not at you.
I think maybe you need to give these people who have been your friends for other reason the benefit of the doubt here. Assume good intentions and all that.
Ellen
I think that being like the OP, it is difficult to find decent men, especailly in the Pandemic, so we need to reach out. Those married women that are in a good situation should not be “gleeful” at our situeations; my guess it is those who are married with slobs that have to be dealt with may sound “gleeful” b/c they see someone w/o someone at all, so mabye their situation is not that bad. I doubt they are gleeful at you, more at their own situeation.
I think women with men should do their best to support their women freinds who are looking for male companionship — even if it is not leading directly to the bedroom. After all, men also want women for things other then physical coupling and the horizontal hora. There IS more to life then s-x, after all, especially in this pandemic that requires some social distancing, which clearly eliminates French kissing.
I would go back to your freinds with this request, and see if their reaction is different. Who knows, one or 2 might come back with a man that actually clicks with you, at least mentally at first, and after proper quarantine and inspection, they could be proper subjects for the s-xueal stuff we all crave. YAY!!!
Anon
What do you mean by gleeful? I think more information could inform the discussion. If they just haven’t suggested anyone, I would read nothing into that. It might be that they don’t know anyone appropriate, that they know things about seemingly appropriate friends and acquaintances that you don’t, that they have been burned by trying to introduce people, that they are overwhelmed in overwhelming times.
anonshmanon
Gut reaction is that glee at a friend’s involuntary singledom is incredibly mean.
anon
+1. Don’t be friends with people who find joy in your unhappiness. They won’t be there for you during the difficult parts of your life (ask me how I know).
Anon
If they’re gleeful, it’s probably because they’re excited about the chance to set you up, right? I don’t think that’s unkind. They knew you were single before, so I don’t see why you’re interpreting this as glee at your single status.
Anonymous
I think it’s very common to have an experience that changes your view of your friendships. When you have a situation that requires people to step up, it can be very telling. Not the same thing, but I had cancer at age 30 and it totally changed the landscape of my friendships. People I thought were my closest friends were very much not there for me and some actually seemed annoyed by my illness (I had to skip a lot of milestone showers, parties, etc.). Others I had thought of as acquaintances really stepped up.
I basically did a “recalibration.” For people who stepped up, I invested more in those friendships and I’m so happy I did. For people who did not, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt given our history. I didn’t drop them all together, but I do put in less effort. I see them less often and we have a more casual relationship now.
For what it’s worth, my parents had two very traumatic things happen to them – once in their 20s and once in their 50s. And both times they had a similar experience.
Anonymous
Just to clarify, this is me taking you at your word that they are actually gleeful at your single-ness. I think it’s common to have a situation that realizes how your friends perceive you is disappointing. And it’s fine to adjust based on that! Maybe right now the friends who you feel are most helpful are the friends you should focus on, and maybe in a few years you will come back around to your other friends.
Anon
That’s a good point. I also went through a really big deal in my early 30s (in my case it was my child who had cancer) and it really helped me figure out who my real friends were. I would not judge people at all by their initial reactions to the news because I know it’s a horrible thing to hear – when someone hears about cancer they have an automatic reaction of “this could happen to me” and they’re frightened, no matter what their face looks like in the moment.
But the friends who were there for me over the long haul were my lasting friends. The friends who reached out to ask how they could help more than once, not just the first week or month, those were my good friends.
Not the friend who came to the hospital to visit and then changed the subject to talk about himself the whole time (which made me realize that was all he ever did). Not the friend who didn’t take it well that I would no longer be able to attend her wedding, and didn’t understand why I couldn’t “just get a babysitter” when my child was in the bone marrow transplant unit of children’s hospital.
anon
I don’t know what you mean by gleeful. TBH, if I had a friend asking me to help set her up with people (as opposed to someone in particular), I would probably respond extremely awkwardly and overly enthusiastically to hide my discomfort. I imagine that may come across as gleeful? I also wouldn’t have anyone to set her up with.
Anon
If by “gleeful” you mean friends who see your single/dating life as entertainment for them rather than as a challenging part of your full adult life, then yes, I have been (am?) there.
Some of these friendships I’ve backed off from. In other situations, where the friendships are otherwise strong, I’ve spoken up, and it’s actually been quite well-received. You are right that it feels totally jarring, but it’s also totally addressable, either by adding distance or by adding communication. Good luck!
Monday
This is more my read on the “glee.” Sometimes long-coupled people get really into their single friend’s dating lives because they think it’s fun to follow, like reality TV or something. Exactly as said above, it’s seen as entertainment rather than a real difficulty in adult life. The upcurled-lip thing you’re describing sounds like they’re excited for some intrigue and an excuse to get involved. It’s not exactly the same as enjoying you being unhappy, but it’s adjacent and I don’t blame you for being annoyed. Come to think of it, I think that’s why I’ve never asked friends to set me up with someone I didn’t already know–I hate the idea of having an audience to something that is often uncomfortable and disappointing.
And also yes, there are far fewer worthwhile single men than women. That’s a major reason that it’s so hard.
Anon
Yes, I agree. When I was single and almost all of my friends were married, I sometimes felt like I had to entertain them with what I did over the weekend to “prove” I wasn’t lonely.
anon
I don’t know if this is exactly the same thing but one of my long-married friends who lives halfway across the country always wants to go clubbing on her rare visits so that she can “find someone cute” for me to make out with. She’s been married since her early 20s and doesn’t seem to realize that my preferred going out activities at this point in my life (mid-30s) definitely do not include random dance floor make-outs with guys who probably think I’m old af. I would love to catch up over a nice dinner but she wants to be entertained by my single status.
Anonymous
This is a good explanation. I’m part of a regular brunch group (or was in before times) – about 75% married and 25% single and I can think of two of the married ladies who are like this. It’s icky and I try to change the subject if I sense that my single friends are uncomfortable with them.
Anon
Just a thought, but you may be misinterpreting– one of my best friends who is single goes through periods where she stops dating completely and insists she is too busy for a guy. (Her ultimate goal is to be married with kids.) Every time she starts dating again, me and DH get really excited for her because we want her to find someone.
Anonymous
This. They may be gleeful but I wouldn’t necessarily take a weird smile alone as evidence of that. I once had a reaction where I was excited that a single friend asked me to set her up so I smiled because I was excited to try and find someone then I frowned when I realized that the guy I had been thinking of for her for a while had just started seeing someone but I wasn’t sure how serious it was. She looked confused and I realized how much I was wearing my emotions on my face so I explained and she was cool with it but if she hadn’t given me a WTF look I would have been a bit clueless about the weird face thing I did and she might have taken away the wrong impression.
Anonymous
IDK — I used to throw big occasional parties and friends all eventually were exposed to each other and could meet organically. If people hadn’t connected (say were both at small dinner party so they definitely met), it is probably for a reason. If I thought people were likely to be a match, I probably would have been proactive. That I’m not means that I also don’t want to set people up on a date, especially if one person (upon being asked re a setup) was not receptive. I’m not a matchmaker as a general status and you seem to want people to take on that role.
Anonymous
I don’t understand why everyone is second guessing OP and blatantly mischaracterizing what she said. It’s dismissive and condescending to assume you know more about someone’s experience than they do.
OP, I know exactly what you mean. This is a classic smug married moment. It comes out in a lot of ways. One example – a new “friend” once went through a list of all her husband’s single friends and told me in detail why I wouldn’t like them because “your standards must be too high if you’re still single at this age.” Mind you I had met this woman exactly once before this conversation, she had no idea what my standards were. None of the dealbreakers she listed were problems for me at all, I never said they were, and she refused to listen when I said these things are fine by me – ie no college, he’s blue collar. The conversations always ended with some implication along the lines of, you should’ve gotten married in college/law school if you wanted a husband, you’re never going to find anyone now.
Some people are jerks. I agree with your gut that you should reevaluate these friendships.
Anon
I think you’re projecting your own insecurities with the whole ‘smug married’ monologue
Anonymous
Lol ok I didn’t make up the smug married concept. Careful, your defensiveness is showing.
anon
+ a billion to all of this, especially the first two sentences.
AnonInfinity
Agreed — I know people who are gleeful in this way (or who have other reactions that are not kind). I’m assuming she knows her friends (?) and their reactions.
I put the question mark by friend because these people sound like they do not need to be in your inner circle. Be cordial to them if the situation arises, but I would stop letting them in. After my divorce, I had to reevaluate a lot of friendships after realizing that some were not as close or as kind as I thought.
Scam calls
Ugh, just a rant…some scammer has gotten a hold of my phone number and has been robo-calling every 2 hours during work hours every. day. this. week. Like seriously, I have about 20 calls so far from them. It’s a slightly different number every time with the same area code, so I keep blocking/reporting the numbers but it just appears again with a different number next time. It’s driving me insane! Also clearly a scam because the 2 times I answered the message is something about the SSA calling…ARG!!
Anon
I got four of those yesterday! I feel you. not much we can do, since they are spoofing the number anyway to make it look like yours (and increase the likelihood you’ll pick it up).
Anon
They fool me all of the time since they use a number with the same area code as me!! Arghhh!!
Anon Probate Atty
Literally just happened to me. I’ve had days where they call multiple times. Because of this, I rarely pick up the phone anymore unless i know for sure who’s calling- causing me to miss some calls from contractors, lawn people, cleaners, etc. Super annoying.
Scam calls
SAME! And it’s extra annoying because those contractors etc. are like the people you usually have to get in touch with via phone, so it becomes this annoying chore of phone tag :(
Arghhh
Happened to me 3 times yesterday, I actually googled my number to see if it landed in a terrible place! No changes for my end, so I’ve just left my phone on do not disturb for the time being. The spam calls tend to come in waves and die down. Sorry about this, and good luck OP!
Also afflicted
I got a ton of them yesterday too. I normally get a couple a day (same as everyone else is describing, it’s from my phone’s area code [which does not match my home address] and it’s slightly different every time, but if I accidentally answer it’s a robocall SSA scam) but yesterday afternoon alone I got 5-6 just from like 1-6pm.
weirded out
Y’all I had an interview that I thought was weird but I wanted to get a gut check.
The interviewer began by saying that they had very specific questions because they wanted to interview fairly and avoid bias -that seems fine.
She then went through my resume line by line and asked:
College – Why did you choose the college you went to? What was the most difficult thing you went through in college? Was there a professor you were close to, why? Whats would they say your strengths and weaknesses are?
And then for every internship/job/grad school – What do you wish you had done differently there? What would your coworkers say about you? Why did you choose that particular school? Why didn’t you choose a different career after grad school?
Some of the questions are pretty normal, but some (like the most difficult thing you went through in college) seemed like a trap. Did they want a sob story, or was that too personal? Was something about grades too light? They also asked lots of probing follow up questions that focused more on personal choices than anything work related. The most difficult thing that happened to me in college was severe anxiety and depression, but I’m not about to talk about that! And I don’t necessarily wish I had done things that differently at every single former jobs – I did a good job, I left on good terms, it was not some great drama.
BeenThatGuy
While I do think the questions you were asked are unorthodox interview questions, I don’t feel they were trying to trap you. One question I always ask when I interview someone is “what is your dream job?” I literally want to hear answers like rock star or humanitarian or carpenter. I don’t want to hear “being with a stable company where I can grow my skills and build relationships”. It’s a garbage answer. I want to know who you really are. I think whoever interviewed you was trying to get at who you really are.
Aunt Jamesina
I think it’s because this isn’t a great interview question. I would 100% feel pressured to answer something I felt my interviewer would want to hear (something in the industry) than my actual fantasy job. What could an answer like wanting to be a rockstar even really tell you about a person that’s meaningful to work, anyway?
Aunt Jamesina
Also, I work in my (actual) dream industry and absolutely love my job, so my answer to your question might sound unbelievable, but it’s true!
Anonymous
In these times, that actually is my dream job. Stability at work is so, so important to me now.
Anonymous
Ugh what an obnoxious question. Please stop asking this. It’s absolutely a trap and it’s nonsense.
Anon
That’s a horrible interview question full of traps and you should stop asking it.
Anonymous
+1,000,000
anon
+1,000,000
anon
How on earth does asking someone about their dream job tell you anything about the person? Sorry but that’s a bad question. Ask them what they do with their free time, or what shows they like to watch. Something concrete as opposed to fantasy.
cbackson
I don’t mean this unkindly, but I’m surprised you think that’s necessarily an inauthentic answer. I think there are people for whom being in a stable company where they can build skills and relationships *is* a dream job. I’m thinking in particular of people for whom career isn’t deeply relevant to personal identity or who grew up financially insecure. A lot of people don’t envision a job as their source of self-actualization or personal fulfillment – which doesn’t mean they can’t be stellar employees.
If you asked what my dream job is, I wouldn’t name a specific title or position like you’re thinking about. I’d give you attributes – stable company, leadership role with the ability to significantly influence policy, and comp that lets me give my family the life I envision. My non-work life is where my passions are.
CountC
+1 My dream job is to not have a job!!
Anon
Of course, if a POC said that in an interview, it would come off so differently from an UMC white person saying it. That’s just one more reason why this question is horrible and should be banned. “What is your dream role at Company B or the industry?” is very, very different and may be valuable.
pugsnbourbon
Yeah, I got my “dream job” and I was underpaid and burned out by the time I left. Now I work in a good, solid job with a supportive manager, interesting and challenging work, reasonable expectations, PTO and benefits. I’m happier and taking a lot less anti-anxiety meds.
Is it important that you know who your candidates “really are?” How does that information help you make the hiring decision?
Anonymous
This. SO MUCH THIS. I actually really value stability due to an unstable childhood.
I don’t want to be a rocket scientist or rock star or whatever. I was to have a stable job with great co-workers and to enjoy my work and provide financial stability for my family. I don’t rely on my work for my personal fulfillment – that’s what hobbies and my life outside work is for.
Honestly it sounds super privileged that you assume a stable job where people can use their skills and relationships isn’t a dream situation for many many people.
Anon
That is a god awful question. For the sake of all of us, please stop asking it.
Anon
This is such a trap. No boss is going to take kindly to me saying ‘I’d like to restore a historic farm house and a zero waste regenerative animal rescue, with a small farm to table restaurant.”
I love my job and I’m passionate about it but if money was no object I would not subject myself to an office.
Anon
lol yes. This is like when I was interviewing for a lateral associate position with a middle aged white managing partner with lots of Republican indicators in his office who asked me “who inspires you?” and I answered, truthfully, “Ruth Bader Ginsburg”, with an explanation that did not include politics or her opinions. No offer.
Anonymous
FWIW, I am a republican and took both of my daughters to see the RBG movie. I don’t agree with her on everything, but to see all that she went through before she graduated law school is super-impressive. I doubt younger woke guys would get it, actually.
On all of this stuff, I just think of what do I want the end result to be and go into sales mode: selling the version of myself that will get me the job (or maybe I don’t want the job if I have to force my round self into a square peg — I got that vibe once, still did the sell, and left that job about a year later, hating it all the while). I can bend a little, and that is generally good, but it is also not good to force yourself to bend absurdly to get a job.
Anon
This question is also elitist. I’m seriously cringing at the thought of some earnest low-income college graduate working with their career center to prepare a detailed answer about their dream role within your industry and having you penalize them for not saying their dream is to go save the orangutans in Borneo. Please, please stop asking that.
Anonymous
100%. Reeks of privilege. If someone asked me that in an interview and I didn’t ‘need’ the job, I would have serious second thoughts about working there. You are turning off good candidates which this horrible question.
Anon
+2 as a former very low income college student looking for my first job, my dream job was a job with a regular paycheck.
Dear Summer
This is…not a good interview question. 1. ALL of the interview advice(and plain old good sense tbh) tells us to answer in ways that present us as a good fit for the role or company. The “garbage” answers above may annoy you but it’s the logical step for an informed candidate to take. 2. A “real” answer provides no value. You don’t learn more about who they “really” are and you don’t learn more about their professional skills . How does knowing that someone would like to be a rockstar help you get to know them? How does it help you appraise their ability perform the job? I’d seriously consider taking it out of the rotation.
Anon
Those seem like weird questions to ask during an interview. Unless you’re fresh out of college why would they even ask why you chose it?
weirded out
Not fresh out of college at all. I was wondering if she wanted me to say “I went to the college I got a full ride at for my perfect grades in high school even though my dog died right before finals . . . . ” like a “grit” or “sob” story.
anon
are you recently out of college that they want to ask these questions? What kind of job are you interviewing for? This does sound very intrusive and abnormal. Remember, you can always decline to answer and if uncomfortable, you can politely end an interview – you are in charge.
weirded out
Not recently out of college, kinda recently out of grad school but have plenty of work environment. It’s a technical role, and I had good conversations with the other technical folks. I actually have a follow up call with them today and might ask about this in some way? I have to think about it. Just maybe say that I found it a bit more personal than I would have anticipated.
Anonymous
I would not do that. Use it in your calculation of whether you want to accept an offer, but you stand to gain nothing by asking. These are a bit weird, but I don’t see anything that bad about them.
Anon
I wouldn’t bring it up – it can’t help you, only hurt you to do so. Maybe the person who interviewed you is socially awkward or doesn’t have much experience interviewing people.
weirded out
Hmm that makes sense. I think I would definitely have to ask about something to at least get a sense of if they have barriers between work and life (some nonprofits don’t!) or how they actually try to ensure and promote diversity, but that can wait for if I get an offer and am considering it.
pugsnbourbon
Plus there’s SO MUCH bad advice out there for both interviewers and job-seekers. Wouldn’t surprise me at all if the interviewer was told to ask those questions.
Anon
Some of it seems designed to avoid bias: if a person chooses a state school within commuting distance instead of an expensive private school, the lack of a name-brand school should not be used against her. Choosing internships that pay as opposed to one’s that are more prestigious but unpaid is also an example of a choice that a less well-off person would make.
The same can be said of grades in college. Someone battling illnesses or working 60 hours a week will have lower grades.
weirded out
I understand that, but I also don’t want to talk about battling illness in an interview. And it’s been many years since college, so no one is looking at grades anyways. I actually inadvertently ended up speaking more about my grades this way, when asked what was the toughest time in college and how that affected me, whereas normally it wouldn’t come up at all. I don’t feel like I should have to talk about family or health or financial issues in an interview. If you want to avoid bias, just don’t make decisions based on a person’s school or internships, focus on skills and recent experiences.
Anon
So you’re determined to be upset by this. Go be upset by it.
Sloan Sabbith
She’s upset it’s a stupid and overly personal set of questions.
anonshmanon
It’s weird to go line by line through the whole resume, seems like a waste of everyone’s time. It sounds like your interviewer was bad at interviewing.
Aunt Jamesina
Hmm. That seems like a very tedious interview, but I could see what they were perhaps trying to get out of asking you those questions. I feel like most interviews ask about something you’ve overcome in your work life to try to suss out how you deal with adversity in the workplace, so asking what the most difficult thing you went through might be along those lines. If you aren’t a recent college grad I think that question is awfully silly and (as you noted) could too easily touch on personal life issues, which isn’t what a work interview should focus on. If you are a recent grad, I could see using that question in place of a more work-related question.
Honestly, I think you just had a well-intentioned but bad/awkward interview, whether due to company interviewing procedures or the interviewer themselves. I’ve been to a lot of them, and it tends to be a red flag for me.
Good luck in your job search!
Anon
If I had an interview where I suspected the interviewee wanted personal sob stories, I would refuse to participate. “My personal life is private, but another professional challenge I think is relevant is…”
I think this came up on Ask a Manager before and it also came up for my friend’s job – during a staff meeting, they were all expected to share their biggest professional and biggest personal challenge (during the pandemic). Rather than saying her actual biggest personal challenge, which was dealing with all the covidiots in her office who think covid is a hoax, she said she was trying to drink more water during the workday (she didn’t feel comfortable pushing back completely because she’s new in the role). That was the right way to handle it in my opinion.
Anonymous
I am so on Team Bland for stuff. The warts-and-all version is just out there for public consumption just because someone keeps a roof over my head and others happen to have the same employer.
Anon Probate Atty
Update on my surgery ( I just had outpatient (gallbladder) surgery on Tuesday). To the point of the poster above, based on what the drs and everyone else I talked with said, I thought it wouldn’t be bad. The only person who said otherwise was the surgical nurse, who said right before the procedure, “because this is abdominal surgery, it is going to be painful.” She was right. Only today am I feeling good enough to walk around a bit . Had to force myself out of bed yesterday and felt like a total zombie most of the day and all afternoon/evening Monday. I’ve been experiencing intense pain in my right shoulder (apparently this is referred pain from the gallbladder, but I had no idea to expect it) as well as the expected abdominal pain. Because of the pain, I decided to take the prescribed oxy pills, and that was a mistake (I should have known better based on bad experiences with it in the past) as that caused nausea, vomiting and the General zombie-like feeling. Soooo much better now that I’ve been off the oxy for almost 24 hours. I’m starting to get tired now that I’ve been up and moving for 2.5 hours. At this rate, I think It’s going to take a week at minimum just to get back to low level WFH. I don’t see myself going back into the office for at least two weeks. But no infection, fever, so generally positive. Just antsy to get back to normal.
Friday, please
+1 to the shoulder pain. I also had the same shoulder pain when I would have a gallbladder attack, before surgery.
Anon
The shoulder pain may also be from the gas they pump into you during the surgery. It dissipates eventually, but it was so damn painful for me when I had abdominal surgery. Best of luck in your recovery.
Anon
Yes I had this after another abdominal but not gallbladder laprascopic surgery. I really felt like I had the worst stiff neck ever, but it was the gas they inflated me with looking for a way out.
Diana Barry
They told me that the shoulder pain was from blowing up your abdomen so they can see inside, the leftover gas causes the pain there.
Pink
I also had shoulder pain after “minor” (eye roll) abdominal surgery. They said it was the gas they used to inflate my abdominal cavity trying to exit my body. It was awful – sitting upright for as long as I could stand helped it dissipate more quickly. They gave me hydrocodone and Tylenol 3, both of which I stopped taking because they made me constipated. I was off work for two full weeks and only really felt like myself the Friday before I returned to work. Wishing you a speedy recovery.
Anon Probate Atty
Yes, I also heard the shoulder pain was from the gas. Maybe it’s a combination of referred pain and gas? Until today, it was just as bad or worse than the abdominal pain. And I’m constipated as well- I’m in the 2nd day of miralax, still nothing. Been up and walking around a bit today, And eating apples and avocado so hoping that helps…
anon
apples might actually not help and do the opposite – pectin. try bananas.
Senior Attorney
Thanks for reporting back. I’m glad you made it through okay. Sending good vibes for continued healing!
KS IT Chick
Something only my mom ever told me about abdominal surgery of any kind: keep a pillow in the bathroom and use it to support the abdominal muscles when you need to have a bowel movement. Same with needing to cough. It really makes a difference.
Anon
Yes! I hugged a pillow constantly. And the shoulder pain was terrible! The pain meds don’t help either for the shoulder. It is nerve pain from the gas.
Anon Probate Atty
Thank you! Had not heard that.
Anonymous
I recently moved in-house from a firm and am interested in how others handled the adjustment/how long it took. I feel somewhat uncomfortable in the role and I’m trying to sort out what’s normal new job adjustment. I started remote during COVID which is not helping because it’s harder to get a grasp on the company culture/interpersonal dynamics at play. Thoughts?
pink
I recently did it (for a secondment, so a team I knew 2 ppl closely, with 3 more I didn’t know closely, and a whole global company of folks I didn’t know at all), and it took me about 2-3 months in person to get acclimated and really hit my stride around 4-6 months. And most of this was in person! with remote, I’d plan for a bit longer?
Congrats on the new job!
Anon In-House
IME, it takes a while to “deprogram” your law firm expectations. I came from corporate transactional biglaw, where every little thing is a crisis EMERGENCY. I had to reset that others in an in-house environment do not respond within minutes or even same day, and that expectation was similar of me (e.g. – the 20 minute rule no longer applied! Huzzah!!!). There is way less heirarchy (IME, a good thing–it’s nice to treat an assistant as a true colleague instead of some lesser-than-you-non-JD-holding-lower being, which is common at firms). There was a lot of friendliness and chitchat in-house, which was not my experience in biglaw–extended chitchat took place behind closed doors, lest a partner walk by and perceive you as a slackerpants. These were the environmental changes.
In terms of work, the key to in-house success is being very solution-oriented. It’s not enough to identify a problem–you should identify the problem, propose a solution, and be ready to figure out how to work with your non-legal in-house colleagues to implement solution, and incentivize the organization to actual adopt the solution as a new, changed process. You also need to be very commercial–your legal spidey sense to a query might be “That’s not a good idea–RISK ALERT!” but the “we’re running a business here” answer is to figure out what level of risk is acceptable and reasonable for your industry and company stage, and work from there to put guardrails in place to mitigate as much risk as possible. Another thing that was new to me: in-house, as a lawyer, I was seen as an authority figure, which was a change from the heirarchy of biglaw, where I was not seen as an authority figure.
There are myriad presentations and recorded webinars on “in-house success.” I recommend you check out the goinhouse.com, the Lawyer Whisperer Blog, join TechGC or TechGC-X if you qualify, Legal Operators, Network, CLOC, SunLaw. All of them are really helpful, but ACC in particular, when you’re new to in-house.
Also, there’s a great app for your phone called “Fishbowl” where you can ask anonymous questions. The in-house and law bowls are quite active and I recommend them.
Anon
I just saw this headline on the WSJ. “Strict rules to keep Covid-19 out of New York pediatric nursing homes also block family visits. Parents worry some children might think they have been abandoned since the lockdown.” What is a pediatric nursing home? end of life care for kids? I’ve never heard of that but just trying to think through what that involves breaks my heart.
Anonymous
Severely medically fragile and disabled children who need round the clock nursing care. And yes. Everything about it is very sad.
NY CPA
Yes. In non-COVID times, I volunteer with children in a nursing home in NYC (nursing home isn’t peds-specific but has peds floors), and they are all severely mentally and physically handicapped and many are on ventilators. Extremely sad, but rewarding to work with them and see them smile and wiggle when we put on music.
Anon
You can probably read the article and see, but it’s likely for kids with severe developmental and intellectual disabilities. It’s heartbreaking that we’ve let our society come to this.
Anonymous
? – What do you mean letting society come to this? These are usually kids that need 24 hour supervision that can’t be provided in the home
Anon
That we have prioritized bars and restaurants opening while people in nursing homes are dying alone.
Anonymous
Ah. I thought you meant about the kids being in places like this. Thanks for clarifying.
Anonymous
Right? How dare the restaurant workers, owners, landlords, farmers, food producers, and food service industry be interested in earning an income, feeding their families, and having health care! Don’t even get me started on those ridiculous farmers who don’t want to throw food away, much less people who for various clearly selfish reasons need access to take out food.
FWIW, visits to severely ill people will be one of the very last things that happens.
Anon
It’s called a robust government aid response. Your false dichotomies might find more traction on Fox and Friends.
Anonymous
I have friends who spent time in care homes as children because of serious health conditions. Illness and disability are very “out of sight, out of mind” in our society, but there are many, many reasons why a child may need to live in a nursing home either long term or short term. I think of hospice and palliative care as different, though maybe the facilities are sometimes the same; I am not sure.
Anonymous
I think that it’s a common misconception that everyone in a nursing home is old and will be there permanently until they die. Facilities also provide short/long term inpatient rehabilitation and nursing care after illness, surgery, stroke, accidents, etc, to people of a variety of ages. Yes, some kids or young adults may need a lifetime of inpatient nursing care too, but good facilities try to meet their other needs. I talked to an administrator at one who was working really hard to help her 20 yr old take online college classes and making sure they had interactions and activities with other people their own age.
Anon
Yes, sometimes people of any age can be placed in-patient rehab due to mobility limitations too though that often involves an insurance fight. If you live in a fourth story walk-up and you have two broken legs and no friends or family to stay with, you will likely be sent to an in-patient rehab.
Anon
Yes. My grandmother was in nursing care briefly before she died and one thing that was surprising (and sobering) to me was the number of people in their 40s, 50s and 60s who were in nursing care due to strokes or major accidents/brain trauma. Easily 30% of the people in her nursing care facility were under 60. It definitely made me refocus on my own health after I saw that.
Anonymous
You need to read the article, not just crowd source reactions to a headline. Come on.
OP
I don’t disagree with the thought but it’s behind a paywall. I’ll pay for WaPo and NYT but not the WSJ and its hard to find some of their articles anywhere else. I get a bunch of newsletters for headlines mainly but the number that are now $ for actual content lately means I have to whittle down what’s actually worth my $$ these days. I appreciate the comments on this.
Anon for this
There’s basically one pediatric nursing home in New York State and it’s primarily for vent dependent kids who need 24 hour nursing care beyond the home nursing care that can be provided.
Anon for this
Let me also add that New York has some fairly extensive resources to allow children with major medical needs to be cared for at home, including a need for 24 hour home nursing, to be cared for at home. Google ‘Katie Beckett Waiver’ if you’re curious.
Some of the reasons that a family may need have their child be cared for in a nursing home versus cared for at home include: not having a stable housing situation that can allow for this (home modification dollars are available), not being able to find reliable nursing coverage, having other children whose needs must be met, having a child whose pain cannot be controlled outside of a fully medically supervised setting, and parents who do not feel comfortable/are not personally able to care for a child’s needs.
Anonymous
I’m hoping every state will consider expanding access to at-home care; congregate care homes are looking like a worse and worse idea. I know sometimes it’s just a matter of what insurance will cover.
Nesprin
Pediatric nursing homes are for exactly what it sounds like- unfortunately some kids get very sick. I have a friend who volunteers (or volunteered in the before times) at a pediatric hospice. Am really happy that theres’ only a need for one pediatric hospice in our larger area.
Anon
Advice requested from anyone that has received a windfall, inheritance or major bonus that increased your income significantly…what steps did you take to evaluate investments, plan accordingly? House and cars are paid off and no debts to pay off. Thanks in advance.
Anon
I received a surprise large inheritance from a distant cousin several years ago and similarly had no idea what to do with it. I got a financial planner who helped me figure out what portion to invest, what portion to use for a house, etc. She still manages my investments. She’s a fee only planner who serves as a fiduciary, and I have had a great experience with her. No stranger on this board can advise you properly about the implications of a windfall and how that fits within your larger picture, so you really need personalized advice. If you don’t want that, then stick it all in a good, low fee ETF, like VTSAX.
Anon
Check out the financial independence subreddit. They have a wiki and tons of posts about windfalls and situation-specific strategies for maximizing them. You’ll get way more information than this board can provide.
Anonymous
Question for those who know more about this topic than me. Could the teenager arrested for the BLM protest shootings be charged with a federal hate crime or possibly even domestic terrorism? The situation seems very similar to the Charlottesville car attack in 2017, where hate crime charges were brought but not domestic terrorism, if I am not mistaken. I know there are political reasons why it may or may not happen, but it seems like Jeff Sessions once deemed this conduct appropriate for such charges. Thanks!
Anonymous
IDK, but the shooter is <18, and even with federal vs state criminal charges (plenty to be had here), age seems determinable even if tried as an adult. Think of the Boston marathon bombers — the younger brother IIRC was < 18.
I honestly don't think that there is a lot of magic in federal crimes vs state crimes, except that you can serve time throughout the US on federal crimes (so harder on many families; many of the incarcerated are parents and if younger need family influence to help cope; eventually most people are released and this will matter with their re-entry). For some reason federal crimes seem to be "tougher" but they just get tried in a different courthouse with a slightly different jury pool (wider, usually). The distance makes federal time harder to serve IMO, but that is sort of a mental hardship vs a plus.
Anon
Ah, interesting, thank you for the info! From my perspective the federal charges seemed to serve as a statement by the federal government, but I’m not like keeping tabs on every charge brought by the feds. Also I’m worried the local police and prosecutors will be exceptionally gentle with him, like they would handle a police shooting.
Anonymous
Frequently, local prosecutors bring in someone from the state AG’s office to handle high profile cases just because of whispered suspicions that there will be softness on fellow locals (often things are more subtle than initially reported; frequently legally things result one way because in criminal cases the burden on the state is quite high).
Where you can have federal charges but not state charges is if you think back to things like a Mississippi burning case where a State acts improbably not to charge and then the feds might charge, but there needs to be a very clear federal element (murder in and of itself is not a federal crime). Juveniles are another story, even if tried as adults (varies greatly for state crimes by state law; even if tried as adults, in my state, penalties are more limited for juveniles). Juveniles under federal law are beyond what I do.
In daily life, federal criminal charges are mainly drugs, some weird importation of untaxed tobacco ones, and tax ones (always tax ones; Al Capone was definitely part of a pattern). I know a lot more about meth than I should. There is also federal gang prosecution and a lot of white-collar stuff (that often just goes the route of 18 USC 1001 or tax b/c the proof is so much easier).
anon for this
Could? yes. Will? Not in this administration.
Anonymous
I mean. I would expect trump to pardon the murderer and use him as a campaign spokesperson just like those mustard- stained millionaires waiving their guns at people of color.
Anon
disgusting
Walnut
Two week ago I went to the ER for what I thought was a silly reason and ended up with life saving surgery to remove a foot of my colon. In one week I have a follow up appointment with my doctor where we will go over the pathology report for the very large tumor and lymph nodes that were removed. My doctor already prepared me to expect a stage 2-3 colon cancer diagnosis, but a CT scan indicated were some spots on my lungs, so stage 4 isn’t off the table.
I was shockingly calm about the whole situation until yesterday when the anxiety started to set it. This doctors appointment will, without a doubt, change the trajectory of my life.
Can anyone share coping mechanisms to get me through this next week? It’s not beneficial to spiral and hypothesize, but I’m a planner at heart. I’ve begun to log on and work again at my own pace, which is helping some. My husband is trying plan some easy hikes that are distant enough to lose the crowds to clear our minds and let out three kids under five burn off energy.
Anon
I’m so sorry to hear that. You are in my thoughts. As for coping mechanisms, easy hikes in nature are a great idea. I also suggest staying away from Google; when a family member had a bad diagnosis several years ago, she (and everyone else in the family) found it more helpful to listen to the medical provider and stay away from Internet forums and everything else out there.
Also, do you mind sharing what the “silly reason” was? Maybe it could help other women too. Please keep us posted and I’m sorry once again.
Walnut
Silly reason: I was extremely constipated and hadn’t had a bowel movement in a week. There was some bleeding as well, but the blood was bright red and consistent with hemorrhoids.
Anon
Thank god you went in. I’ve been hearing more and more lately that we should never assume that bright red blood is just a hemorrhoid – but I think women in particular are taught to just brush things off. I’m so glad you went in and I’m hoping for the best for you moving forward. One other thing – the only exception I would make to the “no Googling” suggestion I made above is to see if there are any clinical trials on clinicaltrials.gov. Your doctor can help you as well if you’d like to go that route.
Anonymous
I went through a cancer diagnosis last year. I am so, so sorry you’re going through this. And I completely understand the spiral you are describing. I second the advice above to stay away from google. While it’s important to be knowledgeable, it can be so easy to go down rabbit trails that aren’t helpful (physically or mentally). For me, throwing myself into my work and family was the best way to get through the waiting. I just tried to be so busy I couldn’t think about it. (And took melatonin or tylenol PM at night as necessary, though check with your doc). The waiting is the worst part. I seriously think that. Once I had the diagnosis and stage, I felt better as I had a clear path I needed to take. You are strong enough to handle this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Walnut
Being busy is so hard when I’m also recovering from the surgery. I so very much wish I could throw myself head first into a giant landscaping project to keep me busy and tired!
Anonymous
All the hugs. Keep yourself as busy as you can. Hikes are great. Baking and crafts with the kids are another thing that always helps me keep my mind off stuff. It’s also okay to do things that are good just for you.
Make sure you take someone with you to the appointment who is in charge of writing down what the doctor is saying. These appointments can often be overwhelming in the amount of information you are given. Don’t expect yourself to process it all in one sitting.
Start a notebook now. Whenever you start to spiral, make a note about what you want to ask the doctor. I know a lot of people say avoid the internet but I do better when I limit vs avoid. Pick one or two sites and only going there as a gut check on what you hear from your doctor. For example Mayo Clinic. And don’t worry about ‘silly reasons’ or ‘dumb questions’ – you got yourself treatment before it got worse.
Lastly, assemble your village. Tell them what is going on and ask for help. If my friend was going through this, I would want to help. I have three young kids and a busy job so I wouldn’t be able to do a lot to help but I would definitely be able to double up my chili recipe every week so that dinner appeared on your doorstep once a week at least.
Walnut
This is so helpful. Thank you.
Go for it
+1 such great advice
Sorry you are going through this. :(
Anon Probate Atty
All great advice. I love it. I would also find a book of poetry that you like. And maybe Virginia Woolf or some other deeply reflective author. This is how I coped after the far-too-early death of my mother. I also think just spending time with the kids, doing whatever fun activities they want – parks, pools, sprinklers, etc. etc. Hugs to you. Please keep us posted.
Amber
Yes, so sorry you are going through this and sending lots of hugs and good thoughts! Please keep us posted.
Anon
I don’t have a lot of advice except to say I’m sorry you are dealing with this and wish you the best.
I suffer from anxiety so my “coping skills” might not be the healthiest. What works for me is doing the planning my brain so desperately wants to do. So I think through the what-ifs and what I would do in response to them. My husband recently had a health scare where the doc said, well, it could be a minor issue or it could be stage 4 colon cancer. (For those curious, it was drainage from his belly button and it was from a minor umbilical cyst that went away on its own.) While we were waiting for him to have the scans to see if he had cancer, I let my brain go wild for a bit. We’d take our IVF money and go on some epic travel. We would fly first class. We would go to every place we had wanted to go. I even let my brain spiral far enough to start thinking of what single men I knew that I could date. It all sounds banana pants but I found it really calming to think, hey, this would be tragic and terrible but I could survive this.
For other people, that kind of thinking could be worse for their mental health but for me it is calming. Once we learned my husband is fine, I shared some of my spiral and he thought it was hysterical some of the things I was worried about. Like cooking. My husband is the cook. But that’s what meal delivery is for!
Walnut
Ooh, I like the idea of keeping a journal for my crazy spirals.
Senior Attorney
WOW. So sorry to hear this but so glad you made that ER visit. I don’t really have any good suggestions but I’m sending lots of love and support to you and your family.
Walnut
Thank you- I appreciate it.
Vicky Austin
I was just looking through the Pinch of Yum archives for a recipe and ran across a post from Lindsay’s second pregnancy (for context, her first child was born a few months early and lived for one day). She explained her personal rule that she was not allowed to Google medical things. Her husband could Google for her, or she could call her doctor. I thought that was great, not keeping her from answers she might want, but still standing between her and falling down a horrible rabbit hole of hypotheticals.
I’m so sorry you’re facing this, especially out of the blue and with young kids. My thoughts are with you. Please keep us posted when you can.
Walnut
I like this idea as well. My husband has been really great about sharing the relevant things that he finds that helps us with the planning. IE, which hospitals we should be considering for a second opinion and that sort of thing.
Anon
My story is not the same as yours, but I hope you’ll take it in the spirit of love and caring that it’s offered.
Years ago, I went to the doctor because I had been irregularly spotting for months. I was told to expect ovarian cancer, which typically has a low survival rate (I think 1 in 5?) because it’s generally caught so late. The week waiting for results was surreal. I, too, was shockingly calm until one day it sunk in and I was so scared I was shaking. I have vivid memories of taking walks in the middle of the night under a full moon pondering all the big eternity questions. I have a memory of sitting on the train on the way to my results appointment filled with love and sympathy for every human everywhere because you absolutely never know what any of us at any time is going through.
In my case, I did not have cancer. I had been pregnant and had been slowly miscarrying for months. A doctor had jumped the gun and mentioned the c-word too soon, so I spent a week wondering What If for what was ultimately no reason.
My life absolutely changed, even though I turned out to be healthy. I leaned heavily into my faith to answer all those big eternity questions. I spent the next several months in constant communication with members of the clergy and went on a week-long spiritual retreat.
My life is dramatically different today than it was the day I went to the doctor. But it’s a good different. You will be changed by this experience, but carry with you now as you wait that change can be positive – that there are silver linings to everything, even if you can’t see them in the moment.
You are facing mortality in a very real way that I wasn’t, and I don’t want to make light of that. But good changes can come out of this: an appreciation for all life, a deeper love for your family that you hadn’t thought possible, a better sense of who you are as a person, and yes, a fuller understanding of the things that really matter in this world.
I wish you the very best as you navigate this scary and unknown time. My prayers are with you.
Anon Probate Atty
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Walnut
I appreciate this story more that you’ll ever know. It touches so much of what is in my heart and mind right now. I identify as catholic and I have drifted from the church for all the obvious reasons, but finding my prayer life again is helping me settle my mind.
Anonymous
I had a medical scare last year. One thing that helped me stay calm was to have favorite, we’ll-loved books on audible. I knew what would happen, but that was perfect, when I started to spiral, particularly on the way to the drs and hospitals, I could distract myself. My brain would fit right into the grooves of a story I already knew well and there was much less space for the fear.
Thinking of you.
Walnut
This is great advice. I can think of a couple favorites and I think we have Audible credits to spare as well.
Sloan Sabbith
Hopefully you see this. Stock up on audible books. If you like Harry Potter, the audio books are fantastic. I can make a ton of recommendations for very engaging and not sad books- they got me through the death of my best friend from cancer in summer 2018 and my own health issues for years. You can email me at sloansabbithette at google mail
Anonymous
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I’m a breast cancer survivor and here is what helped me/or what I learned:
— Binder with copies of all my results from tests, biopsies, scans, etc. I saw multiple surgeons and oncologists as I had a complicated case and I used that binder multiple times. I also often had to re read the results after the appointment as I couldn’t absorb everything in the appointment, so having a binder to go back to was helpful
— I am a planner. For a while, every appointment resulted in new questions and issues to track down with a test, scan, etc. That made planning impossible for a while and was the most stressful part for me. Once I knew what I was dealing with and had a treatment plan, I felt better.
— I am a researcher. I couldn’t stay off google, but found a resource I trusted and used that for much of my research.
— I went to a support group at my local cancer support centre. It was helpful. I had read lots of stories of women “falling apart” after all the treatment was over. I wanted to avoid that if I could. I also took part in a fitness recovery type program at the centre, which was staffed with personal trainers experienced in dealing with people who were recovering from cancer. It was great.
— Movies in theatres were one of the only times I could really take a break mentally. I couldn’t focus enough to read.
– I had some intermittent sleep problems and needed some prescription help for a few nights to reset. For a while, having cancer was the first thing and last things I though about. It isn’t anymore.
— I tried to focus at work, but it was tough. I was a big 4 partner at the time. I accepted help and dropped the ball on a few things. Take the help.
— A senior partner at the form told me not to rush back. He was right.
ASK
Hi! I am asking for a close friend of mine. She’s battling breast cancer. I am wondering what books or resources I can suggest to her that can be helpful to her during this time of chemo and radiation.
Anonymous
Different poster, but honestly, don’t. Someone got me “Such a Pretty Sick” right after my diagnosis and I cried for a couple of days. Unless she’s asked you for that, suggest what you can to take her mind off her diagnosis. Be her friend.
Anonymous
It does sound lame, but I am not sure how to be really there for her, and I really want to be there for her. Covid has meant that her immunity is low and no visits are possible.
Coach Laura
I am so sorry to hear about this diagnosis and all the stress that it has caused. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the lung spots are benign and unrelated. I was diagnosed with Stage IV lymphoma last year but stage 4 lymphoma is not the same as Stage IV colon cancer, however, mine is incurable so there’s that. Coping for me – especially while waiting for news – involves listening to music that I like, reading books and talking to friends and family, staying active with walks or just sunshine, and eating good meals. With the extra stress of young kids, I’d say do whatever you can to reduce the household burden on you and your husband. Best off luck.
Anon
Is there a tactful way to talk to friends in swing states who are undecided voters? DH and I are friends with a couple in Wisconsin (we live in a neighboring state), who last time we talked about it, were not planning to vote. They were Andrew Yang supporters before he dropped out. I think they would vote Biden if they vote, they just don’t feel motivated enough to go through the effort (I guess? truthfully I don’t really understand abstaining ever).
Anonymous
If they have a deadline to request a mail in ballot, you might just FYI ping them about it.
Anonymous
Has Yang done much to support Biden?
Maybe an email like ‘Hi, Saw this great speech Yang did last week and thought of you because I know you were a Yang fan. Not much new here these days. Hope all is well with you.’ Then provide link to Yang speech where he talks about why it is important to vote for Biden.
Anon
This is a really good approach.
anon
Holy moly I don’t understand people like this. Biden isn’t even remotely my cup of tea but I would walk barefoot over flaming Legos to cast my vote for him. Can you talk to them about voting by mail?
Anon
In my friends’ case they believe “both sides are the same” and it doesn’t matter who is president because their lives are not affected. (My life is not touched by policies either, but each day since Trump was elected has been a nightmare on earth for me knowing how much needless suffering he is causing). I think I need to think of ways their lives are directly affected by the outcome and then just maybe put it out there: I’m asking you to consider voting for Biden.
anon
Wow, where do your friends live that coronavirus isn’t affecting their lives in any appreciable way??
Anon
In a rural area, lucky for them. Their jobs haven’t been impacted, nor have their hobbies. It is hard for me to imagine how anyone’s life can not be completely disrupted by needing to stay away from literally EVERYONE…but I guess not everyone is suffering.
Anon
Maybe they are telling you that they don’t want your opinion about who to vote for.
Anon
Yeah, for sure. That is totally valid, its just a convo that comes up time to time when catching up, talking about the news etc. It’s actually the reason for this post. I don’t want to unforgivably cross a line, but the stakes are so high and the margins in Wisconsin are incredibly close- Trump won Wisconsin by .7% in 2016. I’m willing to embrace some discomfort.
Anon
Saw this on a friend’s wall a couple weeks ago and it’s been on my mind ever since. https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2019/11/3/1896926/-Most-cogent-and-important-meme-about-Voting-I-ve-ever-seen
Paging Cbackson
Cbackson, I saw your comment yesterday about how your parents couldn’t find a place to get a TDaP shot too late in the day. Not sure where you are located but I just got mine at Walgreens recently. Will go back for flu shot in September.
cbackson
Thanks! Walgreens was actually where they ended up going – the other local drug stores had temporarily stopped giving shots and their doctor’s office wasn’t doing any preventive care. This was in June in ATL.
Anon
+1 I got mine at Walgreens too and was able to just walk in after work and get it in under 30 minutes
SF in House
Has anyone used a paid college counselor for their high school senior? I know college admissions are far more competitive now than they were in the dark ages when I applied, but it seems like another installment in the overprivileged keeping up with the Joneses saga. Our newly minted senior lacks some organizational skills, so I can see the benefit from that perspective.
Anonymous
I haven’t, but it is typical in my large SEUS city public schools. Our zoned high school has 3,000 kids and a 30% free/reduced lunch rate and this is one of the very good high schools with plenty of AP courses and an IB program.
“Counselors” aren’t really college counselors and tend to spend a lot of time on truancy, poverty, teen parents, ESL issues, ESL parent issues, etc. Getting your kid into community college or Harvard is seen as “getting a kid into college,” which is not how a parent would see things. There isn’t time for quality interaction, so what I save on not paying private school tuition I see as having to spend on a college counselor. For instance, someone besides you telling the kid that they should take SATs as an early junior b/c that way as a senior they just have to apply; why to apply early; how to apply for merit-type programs and scholarships; what are realistic stretch-goal-safety schools, etc. My friends kids at private school practically had a very in-the-know valet helping their kids and it’s a shame that the playing field is so un-level, but it is what it is at this point.
Anonymous
Several of my friends send their kids to $$$ private schools where the school provides people to just this. I know our public schools don’t do this at all and a cousin in a neighboring county used one for her daughter (who goes to State U, but State U is very competitive and will only take X kids from each school in our area even if 2X are above the average admitted student stats in %ages). It seems typical. My oldest is in middle school and I am resigned to paying for it but relieved that they’ll have a third party telling them things too (finding a good one and vetting are another matter — no sense of how you find a good person for your kid or avoid the Varsity Blues resume fudgers).
One other thing is that a friend created gmail accounts for her kids just for college applications so she could monitor what they were up to with submissions and responses and deadlines, especially when any $ had to be put down to save spots or what to do to remain on a waitlist.
Anon
Just curious what is it these private counselors do? My public HS had guidance counselors and I thought mine did a good job advising me how to get into my state’s competitive State U (a reach for me). I recall he told me it is better to get an A in a regular class than a B in an AP/Honors, even though the effect is the same GPA-wise, that visiting was an admission factor, to apply to this scholarship I would never get but required an interview, which would in itself increase my odds, and to apply to a very specific major that tends to have lower GPA standards and then change majors later. It worked!
Seventh Sister
I’m glad you had a guidance counselor who could help.
My high school guidance counselor told me I should go to community college because I didn’t know what I wanted to major in, and asked all the boys with top grades if they’d meet with a Harvard admissions rep, while I had to beg for a seat at the meeting EVEN THOUGH MY GRADES WERE BETTER.
I went to high school many years ago, but one of the administrators at my kids’ future high school is an acquaintance and I’ve already had to debrief my kid from the bad info she’s slinging about colleges.
Anon
I used one for my son. The money spent was well worth it as a way of inserting a neutral intermediary at a time where our relationship was frayed. I will say that the outcomes were also good, with admission to all seven schools, 4 of which the school guidance counselor believed were clearly out of reach.
SF in House
Thanks, Anon @1:40. How did you choose the counselor? Any recommendations?
Anon
I used someone I knew whose personality I thought might work with my son. I also knew several families who had used the counselor with satisfaction and good results.
Anon
Thanks for asking this question. DH and I are college graduates 20+ years out from graduation. We both attended the small, rural state school we could afford to go to with no financial help from our families. I read stories on the Internet around admissions processes and am baffled as all I had to do was submit an application and convince my mom to write a check for the $20 application fee. I only applied to that school; same with my husband. So the idea of choosing/ranking schools, competitive applications processes, etc. is both confusing and overwhelming. I had heard you could hire a consultant for that but didn’t know if it was worth it, and also just felt like maybe it was a little, for lack of a better term, extra to do so. But our son has his sights set on one of the big competitive tech schools (CalTech, MIT, Rensselaer, etc.) and we have no experience (or clue) what it takes to get into one of those places. I appreciate hearing people’s experiences.
Anon
Opposite data point: family that I am close to is very wealthy (but not “kids never need to work” wealthy). They did not use one for their 3 kids. The college application process was so chaotic for them, they had all the US News guides and the parents were almost obsessive about picking schools (kids, less engaged). They had no sense of what was a safety vs reach school, applied to really out of bounds schools and flew all over the country to visit seemingly endless schools, with no regard to probability of acceptance. All 3 kids were shocked and demotivated by the denial letters, settled for schools they weren’t psyched about, 2 transferred, 1 transferred twice. All 3 majored in social sciences and could not find non-retail jobs after graduating. Oldest is now repeating the process with grad school. I say, worth the money, if you can afford it, to avoid this!
Anonymous
Several of my friends send their kids to $$$ private schools where the school provides people to just this. I know our public schools don’t do this at all and a cousin in a neighboring county used one for her daughter (who goes to State U, but State U is very competitive and will only take X kids from each school in our area even if 2X are above the average admitted student stats in %ages). It seems typical. My oldest is in middle school and I am resigned to paying for it but relieved that they’ll have a third party telling them things too (finding a good one and vetting are another matter — no sense of how you find a good person for your kid or avoid the Varsity Blues resume fudgers).
One other thing is that a friend created gmail accounts for her kids just for college applications so she could monitor what they were up to with submissions and responses and deadlines, especially when any $ had to be put down to save spots or what to do to remain on a waitlist. .