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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 171 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Ashton Shirtdress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Limited Ashton ShirtdressI normally do not like shirtdresses — they're hard to look flattering, and a few years ago it seemed like retailers were purposely making them to look like you'd thrown on your boyfriend's shirt, belted it, and left the house without pants. So it's unusual for me to say that I really like this shirtdress from The Limited, inspired by their popular Ashton blouse — it looks clean, professional, and flattering. I like this “fireside red” color, but it's also available in other colors: “midnight blue,” black, green, and a number of sleeveless iterations. The dress is $79.95, but if you buy one you get one 50% off. Limited Ashton Shirtdress Psst: here's a plus size version. FYI — although The Limited shuttered their plus-size line about a year ago, the brand Eloquii has been resurrected and is under new management (with no affiliation with The Limited). This sheath dress comes down to $66 today with code TGIF and looks like a nice basic. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

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Comments

  1. Anon for this

    Happy Friday! Cute dress. Immediate TJ:

    I started dating someone 4 months ago. We’ve hung out with a bunch of his friends regularly including on long weekends away together. Turns out he hooked up with one of the girls he is friends with and didn’t tell me (even though I asked him directly) because they had previously made a pact not to ever bring it up again or tell anyone. I feel disappointed that he lied but also sad because I feel stupid. Any advice?

    • anon

      DTMFA. He lied. I don’t care if he promised this girl he wouldn’t tell- you’re his gf and you deserve the truth. If he had just omitted the information I would still be annoyed but would forgive him- but not an outright lie.

    • Anon

      Why do you feel stupid? He’s the one that should, for lying about it. It does sound like it happened before you started dating and that both of them regret it and never want to mention it again, so it seems like water under the bridge. If it happened while you were dating, that is a different story.

    • Anon 2

      How did it even come up that you asked him directly? And that you found out?

      Also, was this something that happened before you were together?

      At any rate, if you don’t feel you can trust him, you can’t just change your mind about that. Maybe if he took a different path (confess, beg forgiveness, etc.)? If he had declined to answer Qs re past behavior re his promise not to talk, I actually would have made the correct assumption but would have respected him not wanting to talk about prior things with prior people, especially after promising not to.

    • greenie

      So sorry! You don’t deserve this. Do not feel stupid… you trusted him HE broke that trust. Better to find out now than even later down the road.

      ETA: I’m assuming this hook-up happened DURING the time you were seeing eachother. If it happened before that, not too sure why he felt the need to lie but I’d consider working through it.

    • mascot

      Eh, hooked up in my mind doesn’t equal some serious relationship. I was not one for knowing all the details and parties to my SO’s previous encounters so long as I knew that there wasn’t something in there that could affect me (disease, child, etc) so I have some sympathy to not prying. Whatever the details are of how you got this information (someone else broke this “pact”, he ‘fessed up, timing of when he denied it vs when you found out, etc) may be relevant but I’d still have a heart to heart with him about how you are hurt that he lied, and see how he reacts.

    • Anonymous

      Get over it? Why do you think you’re entitled to info about who he hooked up with before he dated you? Especially if the woman he hooked up with asked him not to share that info?

      • anon

        because he’s also asking her to spend time with this group of friends that includes his former hook-up? she definitely deserves to know.

        • Anonymous

          Why. Is she 7? Are we really casting this other woman as some sort of harlot we can’t be around? He has a past. And?

          I’d be pissed as all hell if my friend I had a drunken one night thing and promised to keep it quiet then told some new girl about it.

          • anon

            I don’t really believe in keeping secrets from your SO, even if it’s someone else’s secret, when it involves their s*xual/romantic history. There’s just no reason for it. It’s not like OP is gonna go around telling other people about it.

          • Anon

            Except that she has now told the whole world about it.

            Sheesh — I hope you annonimized things a bit.

          • TO Lawyer

            Honestly, I am the other woman in this situation. I had a drunken hook-up with a guy friend ages ago, it didn’t turn into anything, we got past the awkwardness. When he started dating his current girlfriend, he told her, which made me uncomfortable because now she saw me differently and started making snarky comments to me.

            So FWIW, I really respect your boyfriend for keeping her privacy – I wish my friend had done that for me. And I think it shows he has a great deal of respect for women in general by not telling you about this hook-up. I really don’t think it;s a big deal – it probably didn’t mean anything. I understand why you would be upset but I would suggest you find a way to work through it because it sounds like he’s a good guy

        • Fiona

          I agree she is entitled to know, especially if he is having sex with her. No question about it that a woman should not sleep with a man who does not tell all about his past sex partners.

          • Char

            That is insane. I would hope that you mean that goes both ways. You don’t need to know the history of every single person he had sex with. It’s “need to know” when there’s a health issue that needs to be disclosed.

    • Becky

      I’m going to disagree with anon above. Have you caught him in a lie before? Do you have any reason to think he hasn’t been truthful about other things? If not, I would chalk it up to bad judgement on his part. Maybe he was trying to spare your feelings, or maybe it was a one night stand that both of them regretted and he was trying to protect her. Have a conversation with him about valuing honesty and trusting each other with secrets, even those about other people, but it’s unfair to lie when asked a direct question. If it was more than a one-time thing though, DTMFA. Lying about a series of encounters is much worse.

    • Anon for this

      Sorry to be unclear. My bf and this girl (his friend) hooked up a year before we ever started dating. I had asked him if they had a prior relationship because I wanted to know and we were spending time together. Maybe that was too much to ask, but I did. In any event, I understand him not telling me right away because he didn’t know where we were going and didn’t want to put it out there. He told me now on his own (not that he was caught) because he seriously sees a future with me (and I with him). My issue is really that it hurt me that he lied at all and I feel dumb because her and I have had conversations about what she’s looking for in a guy, etc.

      Also, my last bf completely gutted me. I never thought I would be that girl but he had a complete secret life from me including a gf 7 hours away who he would see every 6 months or so. I have problems with trust but I believe I’ve worked through a lot of them but this just leaves me scared . . . Please be kind

      • mascot

        “Also, my last bf completely gutted me. I never thought I would be that girl but he had a complete secret life from me including a gf 7 hours away who he would see every 6 months or so. I have problems with trust but I believe I’ve worked through a lot of them but this just leaves me scared . . . Please be kind”

        Tell Him This. Also, why feel dumb that you are talking to another woman about what she is looking for in a man? They didn’t work out for whatever reason. Maybe he wasn’t what she was looking for and vice versa. Doesn’t mean that either of them are damaged goods, just not right for each other.

        • Anon in NYC

          +1. You have completely normal trust issues, in my opinion. I had an ex bf do something similar and it messed with my head for a while. But you need to tell him this and also tell him that if there is going to be a future for you together that you need complete honesty.

          This friend and your bf didn’t work out for a reason. I think it’s okay to ask him why they didn’t work out if you need assurance that they’re not going to get back together. But then you have to let it go and trust him. And be nice to the friend. She is not the cause of your baggage (and neither is your bf).

        • Diana Barry

          +1. Understandable that you have trust issues, tell him this.

          Also, it happened BEFORE you started dating, WELL before, and they agreed it was a mistake and not to talk about it again. Not a big deal.

        • anon

          Your bf sounds like a really good guy who tried to to the right thing. He both respected his friend by not immediately telling a new gf about their hookup when he’d promised not to, and then he did tell you about it when your relationship became more serious.

          When my husband and I first started dating, I really liked the fact that he had a lot of women friends, including some who were former girlfriends. I thought this was a sign that he genuinely liked and respected women.

          • Conflicted

            +1 Being able to remain friends with ex’s is a good thing and a sign of maturity, and something I definitely respect and admire in my husband – who I think (hypothetically) would have handled this situation exactly as your bf did.

      • Anne Shirley

        I don’t see why this is an issue at all. You’ve discovered your boyfriend takers the privacy of women he sees seriously and places value on the trust they place in him. That’s great!

        As for feeling dumb, why? She’s not trying to get together with your guy. I’m sure she wasn’t snickering behind your back because she’s looking for a different guy.

        Breaking up with someone because you’re just uncomfortable is always an option. But if you do that here I think it’s important for your own relationship health to own that he didn’t really do anything all that bad, and you’re not ready to trust again.

        • Ginjury

          This is 100% what I was going to say. It sounds like he did the right thing given the circumstances and really values honesty. It’s tough to do, but try to actively avoid projecting your ex’s issues onto your current boyfriend. Based on this story alone, it sounds like they have very different opinions about trust, honesty, and communication in a relationship.

        • Hildegarde

          I agree with this. It sounds like he was cautious about protecting her privacy when your relationship was new (a good thing), and then felt when you and he got more serious that it was time to tell you (also a good thing). I don’t think you have any reason to feel dumb – neither of them are laughing at you or trying to mislead you. That’s great that you and the other girl have had real conversations; hopefully you can develop a friendship aside from just her being your boyfriend’s friend.

      • anon

        I understand why you’re hurt. I think the fact that is eventually told you on his own, once he saw a future with you, is good. But it’s okay to feel hurt and to tell him how you feel. Then you can decide if you trust him and go from there.

      • First Year Anon

        I think your reaction is normal. I think it is something I would let slide- he was honest with you once he saw a future. I don’t think this is a deal breaker or something to fight over. If you let him know you appreciate him being honest, and you don’t get overly upset/angry, then he will learn that he can be honest with you, which is a good thing.

      • Aerith

        He also may not have told you because one hook up that they both seemed to regret agreed to never speak of again doesn’t really constitute a relationship. You shouldn’t feel dumb about it, there’s no reason you can’t be friends with this woman if you want to. If they were still carrying a torch for each other, they’d be together, but they’re not

      • Anita

        I understand why you feel the way you do. I think you should cut your boyfriend some slack, though– you asked whether he’d had a relationship with his friend, and based on your summary, he didn’t. Their encounter was a one-time thing. Is it a technicality? Sure, but when you asked, he didn’t know whether you’d become serious or not and his interest in protecting his friend’s privacy trumped your right to know, at that point. He’s told you now, which is important. What happened with your last boyfriend should not be held against your new guy. Of course, it makes sense that you are sensitive to even small transgressions. Have an honest conversation with him about that and ask for him to be mindful of that.

      • AIMS

        It’s normal to feel dumb in this situation but you really shouldn’t. Give yourself permission to have all these feelings and then do your best to move on to more rational thoughts. Your last BF sounds like a real a-hole and I am sorry that he did that to you. Maybe this new guy isn’t the “one” but don’t ruin the potential of a great relationship by projecting a bad past relationship onto this one.

        As for the whole “lie” – there is absolutely no reason to feel dumb because you talked to this girl about what she wants in a guy or about anything else. What she wants in a guy is not your guy! It’s not like you had this conversation while they were secretly hooking up! They hooked up before he ever met you and it DIDN’T go anywhere and she swore him to secrecy (not because she was into him, most likely!). There is no reason to feel dumb here. I have been the friend in this situation and I can tell you that at no point in meeting new GF and talking to her about anything did I think about the past hook up. Ever. Honestly, more often than not, the past is the past. Shocking as this is, sometimes you forget it even really happened.

        As for being hurt — this guy sounds like a good guy based on what you’re saying. While I get how you would feel hurt about it, I would take this as a good thing. Look at it this way: he is a good friend who tries to keep his word so he didn’t tell you he hooked up with this girl because he didn’t know where you two were headed and he didn’t want to break his word and potentially embarr*ss his friend if it wasn’t going to get serious with you, and as soon as he started to think it was serious he came clean and confessed. That’s a pretty good guy right there, if you ask me.

        You should tell him that it hurts you that he lied but that you understand where he was coming from and then explain that you do have trust issues and that you need him to be honest with you in the future. But the truth is how you handle this may affect how honest he’ll be with you in the future. If I were you, I wouldn’t do anything unfriendly toward this girl, say he can’t hang out with her, whatever else. Try to be as cool about this as you can. If you overreact, he may be more reluctant to share things with you in the future. That’s just human nature. And while I get that you have trust issues, try to work on those. I don’t think I’ve asked anyone I’ve dated since high school about their past history beyond anything that actually affects me: stds and babies and maybe ex wives. Obviously one’s past things come up, but I think I have been much happier not seeking this info out.

      • L

        If he waited to tell you until he was sure about the relationship, I can respect that. I think if you’re at the point you know you’re going to be with someone long term, that’s when you share secrets that impact other people you’re still friends with.

        Don’t feel dumb. Clearly this girl isn’t interested in him, so there’s no need for you to change your behavior. She’s still his nice, funny (other endearing adjectives) friend. Period.

      • Flying Squirrel

        This response really clarifies things. I understand where you are coming from, because I was in a similar situation with my now DH. My previous serious relationship before him was with someone who turned out to be a pathological, compulsive liar. This included lying to me about past (and one sort of ongoing) relationships. But you have to recognize taht some/much of your response is about your ex, not your current SO. He told you now that he’s serious about you…and honestly, some people really don’t feel that they should share such info at all…and he, like my DH, may be in that camp but willing to share stuff with you b/c it’s important to you.

        No one but you knows if this is your gut telling you somehting’s off or just a reaction based on a previous bad experience…but objectively, I’d give the guy another chance.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this Shirt Dress, even tho your comment remind’s me about wearing Alan’s shirt’s around on the few times I needed something to cover up with and his shirt was the closest thing availeable other than the bedspread’s. FOOEY! But I love shirt dresses b/c they are like Boyfriend shirt’s that we wear that smell like our boyfreind’s! YAY!

      But this is a great segeway to my answer for the OP. Anon, Men are VERY decieveing. If you have been dateing someone for 4 month’s it make’s a big difference WHEN he hooked up with that other girl. First, Was it before you started dateing or after, and if you started haveing sex with him, was it before or after that? It would seem to me that if you were dateing — even before you started sleepeing with him (if you did, which is NOT clear), he alway’s owes you the truth, but also more disclosure — ESPECIALLY once you have had sex with him, he MUST be 100% truthful, NOT have sex after ward with anyone, and even tell you about the peeople he had sex with before you,b/c my dad told me that when you have sex with a guy, you are also tecknically haveing sex with all of the women (or men- fooey) he had sex with before that. That is why MOM was so worried when Dad came home from Europe with a rash.

      So if he had sex with her b/f you had sex with him, he should have told you, and if he lied and said he didn’t then he can NOT be trusted. The only situeation I can think of where he would be OK is if you were not dateing him at all, he had sex with the other girl and then later, you started dateing him and you did NOT have sex with him. Then, and ONLEY then, is he entitled NOT to tell you about who he has had sex with, b/c you are not haveing sex with him. Good luck to you with this guy. If you have to dump him, just say FOOEY and move on. YAY!

    • Anony

      I would be bothered about the lying, but I wouldn’t have asked about former hook-ups.
      Unless you are extremely religious you have to realize that he has a sexual past, and if it will cause unnecessary jealousy just don’t bring it up (other than the things that could affect you, like children or STD status).
      Also, anecdotally – I’ve ended up friends with men I’ve formerly dated. It can make it easier to be platonic with someone of the opposite sex after you KNOW that you have zero romantic chemistry with each other.

    • Brant

      A friend of mine and I got absurdly drunk and among a laundry list of other idiotic things, hooked up. We were both was seeing someone (not yet “officially” yet), and we were not agteacted to each other in any meaningful way. I would have hooked up (and maybe did) with a lamp post that night. I was thankful it was someone I knew and not some gross 70 year old barfly. Neither of us remember what went down, but it probably was the result of some bet or debate. We woke up, laughed hysterically and agreed to never speak of it again. Then we nursed hangovers for the next two days.

      It meant nothing to either of us. I never swore not to tell anyone, but it was SO insignificant (for either party) that I think I’d probably leave it out of any conversation about my relationship with this guy.

  2. KittyKat

    It’s funny I find shirt dresses incredibly flattering and for the days when I can’t deal with picking out an outfit they are my go to. Plus depending on the fabric they can be worn all seasons. Wool shirt dress and tights and boots for winter, silk shirt dress pumps and simple jewelry for summer.

    • Aerith

      I agree – they’re great! I think Kat may have been referring to the shorter style with a curved hem that has been popular as a casual style, which I agree can make it look like your pants are MIA, but the ones I have are so versatile. I even have a polo shirt dress, which sounds awful, but it’s extremely comfortable and people compliment me when I wear it.

    • January

      I also think they’re flattering, especially if you have a small waist. But she’s right about the ones with the curved hems.

    • Pretty Primadonna

      I agree! I really love shirt dresses. However, I have couple that are shorter on the sides than the front and back (like a tuck-in shirt) that I never feel quite comfortable enough in to wear to work. The pick from The Limited doesn’t appear to be shaped like that, though. I might have to purchase this!

        • Sydney Bristow

          I haven’t tried this one in particular but in my experience The Limited’s dresses run a little small.

          • MissK

            I just tried this dress this week in the L and found it a little tight around my shoulders/chest (34D) but otherwise fine (no gaping!). Because there is no give in the fabric and my sport involves a strong back/shoulders, I decided the confinement when putting it on/taking off wasn’t worth it to keep the dress. In comparison, their 12P sheath was gorgeous on me and I’m also a 12P in BR.

  3. Anon

    TJ: Plus size business casual clothes?

    A friend has asked for help building wardrobe for new job, but I’m not sure where to start. Major metropolitan area US, so good selection of stores available. Was thinking Lane Bryant and major dept stores, but have also heard maybe Old Navy / Forever 21 / Zara? Any help much appreciated.

    • anon

      Zara is definitely not good for plus size. Forever21 does have plus size offerings and they have a lot of business-casual type tops and blouses for cheap. Old Navy would probably also be a good place to find work tops, not so sure about pants/skirts.

      • L

        RE: Old Navy – Most of their work tops are flimsy and require layering pieces. I regret almost everything I’ve purchased in an attempt to wear to work because it ends up just looking to casual and borderline frumpy.

        Talbots, Lands End, and sometime Elloquii (though it’s a lot less business than it used to be)

    • Anon 2

      LE and Talbots, especially during sales.

      F21 and ON can read very young and often very casual (not remotely office-appropriate). If you are starting out, I’d spend my $ on the sale stuff and staples at the first two b/c it’s less likely to be wasted. You can fill in other pieces, but I’d hate to spend $ thinking you’re getting b-c and find that it’s not really what you need.

    • Lady Tetra

      Modcloth, Eloquii and ASOS Curve are good places to check out online. Macys and Nordstrom have a pretty big selection of plus-size clothes too.

    • lucy stone

      Lane Bryant stuff always feels really cheap to me, like a plus-size version of F21 – I dislike the polyester/rayon/etc blends.

      The majority of my work clothes are from Talbot’s or Lands’ End. Talbot’s weekender pant and curvy super crops are my favorite summertime b/c pants. Macy’s has some great on-season stuff. What sizes is your friend? I’m asking because although I am a plus bottom, I can normally wear regular tops, which saves money and increases selection.

      I am a 16W in dresses at Talbots, 20 or 22 in pants and skirts depending on the cut. I can also wear a size 18 in most Boden dresses, which surprised me and opened up a whole additional shopping world!

      • Anon

        Thank you muchly everyone! I’m not sure what sizes she is honestly, but this should be a great starting point.

    • Meg Murry

      It depends on which end of business casual her office leans toward as well. Is it 1 step below business formal (so blouses and pencil skirts) or 1 step above jeans and t-shirt? I would lean toward only buying a few days worth of clothes and just keeping track of other items she liked, or keeping the tags on and receipts handy in case she has to return items. Every time I’ve bought new clothes before a new job started I hardly wore them, as they were usually not quite right (more formal than I needed, and/or more work than I usually do day to day like button downs that all needed ironed or dry clean only pants).
      If you are near a Nordstrom, could you arrange a day with a personal shopper with her there? They might be able to help her buy a few outfits and then keep track of others she likes that she could then order through her shopper once she determines if they are right for her new office.

      I don’t have much luck in most stores, but maybe in a major metropolitan area will have better stocked plus size sections. For me, Lands End, Macy’s and Jones New York (either at Macys or standalone stores) are my typical go-tos. Old Navy has some decent stuff online in the more casual end of business casual, but I rarely find anything work-worthy in store in my size. Lands End and some brands at Macys also have an overlap in their regular sizes and plus – up to 16-20 in regular depending on brand, and starting plus in 14X (or 0X) – so that usually gives me more options as to whether I need the larger regular size or the smaller plus size for a minimum number of alterations.

    • lawsuited

      Truthfully, a day of shopping at brick-and-mortar stores is not going to be fun. May stores who carry plus-sizes don’t have a large selection of their offerings in-store. Your friend will be much better off shopping on-line, and you can still do that together.

      I consistently shop at Eloquii, Talbots and Nordstrom for suiting, seperates, dresses and nice blouses. The Gap has an expanded size range and can be good for sweaters, dark-wash jeans, button-ups and more casual items. I’ve recently started shopping the Lord and Taylor plus size line and love it so far. I occassionally shop at Boden and Ann Taylor (I’m a 16/18 – they don’t have full plus sizes), but find the 18 at both stores is not curvy so only some styles fit.

      YMMV, but I’ve found that the plus size clothing at Old Navy, Forever 21 and Asos is inconsistently sized and poor quality.

      • PolyD

        If you do decide to go the online route, why not check out Zappos? I am pretty sure they have plus sized clothing and you can filter by size, price, garment type, so it shouldn’t be too overwhelming. Zappos has amazing and easy free shipping and returns, too.

        • lucy stone

          Zappos plus size selection is pretty crummy. They only have 513 items, and of those about 200 are bras, nightgowns, or workout clothes. I wish they would improve their selection!

      • Sydney Bristow

        I completely agree with this. Online shopping is much better.

        If there is a Talbots that fully stocks plus size options then that can be ok in person. For the most part though, online is the way to go and these suggestions are great.

        • yousaucyminx

          Stay out of malls. Talbot has very nice plus size career wear. Kiyonna is great for work dresses. And j.crew Factory carries up to size 20.

    • AttiredAttorney

      Also, Nordstrom Rack, Ann Taylor Outlet (goes up to an 18), and, if in your area, Ross of all places has a great selection of plus size business and business casual dresses.

    • Rec...

      I have a very specific recommendation, if she’s not wearing business formal. The Karen Kane plus knit pencil skirt is a serious workhorse for me. I’ve probably worn mine 3 times a month for the past three years and am now thinking of replacing it due to wear. It’s double thickness (double knit?) so doesn’t show lines, is comfortable, washable, and (as are all black pencil skirts) is incredibly versatile. As a knit it’s not really business formal but probably any level below that is fine.

    • Two Cents

      I work in a business caudal office and wear plus sizes. Most if my dresses are Lands End with the occasional Target dress thrown in (ymmv based on which target store you go to. Also, I have dresses in all the Target plus sizes from 1-4 bc of consistency issues in sizing). For dress pants, I went to a Talbots clearance outlet (the close out version of their regular outlet) for everything from dress pants to jeans. They have locations around the country and though stock can vary depending on the season, over time I was able to bills up quite a wardrobe. As for tops, I get many from Macy’s (online and in store), but I live near the NYC and Roosevelt Field (Long Island), which both have goo plus size departments. Forever 21 and lane Bryant stopped fitting me right. Also, JCPenney, of all places, has some good options. I buy at the sales and got jeans, athletic clothes, a few shorts and dresses and other things.

      • Anon

        Again, thank you thank you! So many good ideas for a brave the mall day plus follow up online.

    • Lorelai Gilmore

      My go-tos: Nordstrom, Macys, Talbots. That’s basically it. All of them have decent plus-size selections in brick-and-mortar stores. The Sejour brand is a huge workhorse for me at Nordstrom; at Macys, I’ve had good luck with Alfani and Calvin Klein. Talbots is a lifesaver – if you figure out your sizes in the store, you can shop online and their selection is amazing, especially for sales. And one sleeper candidate: Dress Barn. Great dresses and work clothes, good selection of dresses, and really good price point.

      Places I strongly advise against: Old Navy (nothing in stores, all online, drives me nuts), Avenue, Lane Bryant (though sometimes they have decent business casual stuff, it’s usually not to my taste), Kohls.

    • Philanthropy Girl

      Depends a bit on her age. I really like the things I’ve found at CJ Banks – but some of it looks a bit mature for me (I’m in my early 30s). Most comfortable jeans I’ve ever owned came from there, and some really wonderful blouses. Much more enjoyable experience than Lane Bryant or Kohls.

    • KittyKat

      Read what the item is made of in terms of fabric, and watch the runway video. I have found the clothes tts but the shoes a bit wonky. I’ve always had good luck with quality but I always take the aforementioned steps to make sure I get good stuff.

  5. housecounsel

    I like the dress but need to see in person to evaluate the quality of the fabric. It looks like it would be really easy to throw a jacket over it, too.

    • Clementine

      I have this dress and it’s one of my favorites. I’m not normally a poly person, but I’ve found that this dress has absolutely become my go to ‘Oh god I need to feel reasonably pulled together but feel terrible and nothing I own is ironed,’ dress.

      The plus of the poly is that it doesn’t wrinkle and wears like iron. It looks very nice in person and i don’t find the fabric scratchy. I was concerned that the fabric would hold smells, but have found that machine watching with a little vinegar in the cycle absolutely eliminates that problem.

      • housecounsel

        Thanks, Clementine. Finding a work dress I could wash at home would be like finding a unicorn.

        • MissK

          I’ve been throwing all of my BR/AT tropical wool dresses and skirts into the wash (no center agitator) and line drying. I don’t do this after every wear, but on a dry cleaning cycle (after however many wears that might be for you. They’re holding up fine so far!

      • Red Beagle

        Do you think it would work on a curvy figure? That’s been my issue with shirtdresses – the “shirt” part. Same issues as button-down shirts for b@@bs that stick out.

        • Clementine

          For reference, I’m a 34DD, 26 waist, 38 hip and 5’8 and I went with a medium. Because it’s belted, it keeps me from looking like I’m wearing a sack while still having enough room to avoid the dreaded ‘peephole’ look.

          Also, I remember when looking at these dresses at the store, one color (I don’t remember which one) had a slightly different/thinner fabric (still not sheer) than the others- I realize that’s not helpful, but just as an FYI.

    • Niktaw

      I just received the sleeveless version yesterday. The fabric is OK for polyester, but the dress itself runs large. On me it my regular size was very loose on the waist and hips (I am not slim) and the belt did not improve things much.

  6. ExecAssist

    I have a question for the hive:

    I’m moving to New York from Florida (originally from the Caribbean) in just under a month and I’m nervous about the cold. I have one waist length puffer jacket and I’ve never seen snow. I read on here about buying silk leggings/longjohns and I thought I’d be fine, but then I read a comment on one of yesterday’s posts about another polar vortex and now I’m not so sure. Any advice on putting together a winter wardrobe? And surviving the cold? TIA!

    • Anony

      1) Footwear- I wear rainboots to commute all winter, because the salt and half-melted muck on the sidewalk destroy shoes, and if your feet get wet you will be miserable.
      2) Layers- silk longjohns are good, but also realize that thick warm socks, sweaters (you really can’t beat merino wool or cashmere for warmth without tons of bulk), etc. are important between your clothes and your outerwear on the really bad days.
      3)Scarves, hats, gloves. Don’t underestimate how much cold air will get in to your jacket at your neck and wrists, or how cold your ears will get.

      Depending on how far north in NY state you go, knee- or -thigh length puffers or wool coats might be more comfortable.

      • Lady Tetra

        Second all of this, especially #3! I moved from a very warm climate to Chicago and everyone always looked at me like “where’s your hat?!” I had never had to wear one before, but they are really important when it’s super cold out. And about footwear: don’t tough it out in flats and bare feet because it’s cuter or it’s what other ladies are doing. If your feet are cold, wear socks and boots! You’ll be much more comfortable.

        Having more than one coat is also something I didn’t think of when I lived in a warm climate, but it will help a lot. Then you can select between cold but dry, less cold, cold and wet, etc.

        Overall, I wouldn’t get worried now. They sell everything you need in the place you’re going (and online!), so buy winter gear as it’s needed.

    • Clementine

      Welcome! The Northeast is awesome and New York around Christmas is absolutely lovely.

      The first year will most likely be the most shocking, so here are a few tips:
      -Buy good, waterproof and weatherproof boots. Ladies have quite a few recommendations, but I suggest getting something mid-height with some traction on the sole. Waterproof is key as you’ll likely be walking through a lot of slushy, salty sidewalks and don’t want to ruin good pants.

      -Often, tights and skirts are easier to wear in the winter than long pants (which can drag on the ground). I prefer these and add a pair of legwarmers over them if necessary.

      -Consider a mid-thigh length puffer or wool coat to keep you extra warm.

      -Think layers. Gloves, scarves, hats, extra sweaters, etc. will all be your friends.

      -There is a certain point (around 15 degrees) where I personally throw fashion somewhat out the window and wear whatever will get me there and back without frostbite. These are the days I don’t think twice before wearing my giant ski-mittens and sweatpants over my tights for the walking portion of my commute.

    • Terry

      You will survive! I think your current wardrobe is fine to move to NY in the fall. You’ll be there as the seasons start to change and can buy things as they become useful. My best guess is that you’ll end up buying longer coat (puffer or wool), several sweaters, boots and maybe a pair of longjohns over the winters. Strongly suggest you *don’t* try to buy a winter wardrobe in Florida. The stores there won’t have the real winter gear that you’ll find in NY.

    • Anon in NYC

      A variety of jackets can help. The puffer coat will be great in cold weather, but you’ll want something for the fall and spring when it’s chilly but not quite the dead of winter.

      For me, I have found that wool tights (I’m partial to Wolford, but there are a ton of other brands) plus knee high boots, a wool sweater/skirt, and warm hat/gloves/scarf/jacket, is sufficient to survive a commute. Change into heels/flats in the office.

      On the coldest days this past winter, I would wear wool tights under lined wool pants (with knee high boots) and I was comfortable (even warm) during my commute.

      I would also recommend a pair of hiking boots. I found them much more stable for commuting on snowy/icy sidewalks than rain boots or normal boots.

    • roses

      Are you moving to NYC or somewhere upstate? There’s a HUGE difference between dressing for an NYC winter and a Buffalo winter! In NYC, you’ll generally be fine with normal clothes and a wool coat for temps 30-40 degrees and a puffer coat for temps under 30, along with rainboots and wool socks. In Buffalo or other upstate cities, you need multiple layers, a very thick, knee-length (at least) insulated puffer coat, snowboots, and warm hats and gloves.

      • Meg Murry

        I was going to say the same thing – except it also really depends on whether you will be taking a lot of public transit and walking like in NYC or if you are going to be more of a car commuter in the suburbs or upstate. If you are going to be walking outside a lot and not used to colder temperatures, you will probably need a lot more heavy duty bundling. If you are mostly just going to be dashing from your parking lot to your office (and especially if you have a home with an attached garage) you won’t need as many heavy duty winter outdoor clothes – just a basic coat, scarf, hat & gloves and something waterproof for your feet. You’ll probably want more winter “play” clothes like a ski jacket and snowboots than “work” clothes like long wool dressy coat.

    • In the Pink

      I moved from Texas to Maryland and was cold.all.the.time. I don’t think my elbows and shoulders ever saw the sun. That being said, it is a blast the first time you try all the snow activities you’ve always read about.

      I had all 3 weights of underlayers by Winter Silks. They wear like iron. The thinnest ones are great under clothing in general. They have shorts as well as half and full slips … not just camis, tops, and “leggings”. Often the color range is great.

      For hanging around, I used to live in LLBean’s flannel lined cords and polartec tops.

      For a recent trip to an extremely cold location outside the USA … I used the thermals sold by LLBean. Amazing. They were thin/light enough to wear all day long under shirts or pants even. For that I used their Power Dry line as they are synthetic and really do wick well. So they may be another alternative for you when you wear slacks or if you have a walking, non-car commute around NYC.

      For socks, I love the Varma brand … they are angora rabbit. From Iceland. Amazing. Even to sleep in during our Texas “winters.” Soft soft soft. For walking/hiking in the cold though, I like the wiwam socks, and I think that is a brand name.

      I also got some great neck/face wear … turtle fur is the brand. The neck gaiter was great, I often folded it in half and wore as a head band per se. Developed by Xgamers, skate board folk. amazon has a good selection of items and in all colors of the rainbow.

      And, last, a pair of glove liners. amazon has a variety and the comments really helped me select something.

    • Basics

      You can probably buy much of the basics you need (at least initially) for very reasonable prices online from Lands End. Their products are well made and last forever. I would recommend their waterproof snowboots (roughly $50 last time I bought a pair a couple years ago – warm and as Anony says waterproof and salt-damage proof, though you do want to wipe them down with some regularity and let them dry/stuff them with newspaper at night) and knee-length down coat (less than $100).

      In addition:

      * gloves (I like leather lined in wool, which you can buy for roughly $50 at major department stores)
      * ski-type wool hat
      * scarf/shawl (once you get to NYC, take the subway to Canal street and pick your favorite color from a vendor on the street)
      * tights (just buy a bunch of black tights and plan to wear them all winter).

    • ExecAssist

      Thank you everyone for the suggestions! I really, truly appreciate it, and though half of this stuff is like a foreign language to me, I’m going to research everything. And to answer roses’ point, I’ll be in NYC. I should have clarified, but thank you for pointing out the difference in weather!

  7. PinkKeyboard

    I’m officially starting IVF as of yesterday, we went to the orientation and I’m pretty excited. My husband is issue free (previous child) and I am unexplained. There is nothing demonstrably wrong with me and I’m only 28 but we’ve been trying for over 2 years with 6 rounds of clomid and 4 of follistim with not one pregnancy. I’m really hoping this is it. Does anyone have any experiences/advice? I know I shouldn’t get too excited as it may fail, but I can’t help hoping this is the magic bullet.

    • Anon

      It may still take a few rounds. I’ve had a few friends like you, they all ended up having kids but it took a while. Hang in there!

    • Muppet

      Best of luck to you. I don’t think it’s a problem for you to stay excited, even knowing, of course, that it might fail. When you’re TTC long-term, I think it’s all about doing what works for you each day. If focusing on this IVF and a positive outcome keeps you motivated right now, then that’s exactly what you should do. On the other hand, if protecting yourself against hope helps you level-set and avoid the roller-coaster of stress, then you should do that. There’s no wrong way to do it. It’s just about doing what works for you, day by day. Long-term TTC is so incredibly stressful.

      We did 4 IVF cycles that all failed, but we’re an outlier. IVF does work for tons of people. I really hope it works for you. Again, best of luck.

    • tesyaa

      OK, just for the pep talk, I had unexplained infertility for 3 years in my 20s (age 23-26), with multiple rounds of Clomid and injectables and no pregnancies. I was on a waiting list for IVF when I became pregnant without assistance. I was able to have several more children, also without assistance. Good luck! I know how hard it is to stay positive, but your age is a major factor on your side.

    • Flying Squirrel

      Good luck! Hopefully your journey will be short, but it’s really important to stay positive and excited. Between my 3rd and 4th rounds I was really ready to give up, but DH wasn’t…he didn’t push me either way, and I decided to continue treatments. I have a 7.5 month old from our 5th round of IVF (3rd fresh cycle). I really, really didn’t think I’d be one of the multiple IVF people, but in the end it was truly worth it for us.

      Hang in there!

    • PinkKeyboard

      Thanks everyone! We can really only afford to do 2 cycles, maybe more depending on the pricing with freezing (and thus fewer retrievals).

  8. Aerith

    This is off-topic, but I could use some cooking advice. I’ve started dating someone new and he’s coming over to my house this weekend for dinner. I’m pretty sure he’ll profess to like whatever I make, good or bad, and I am a good cook, but I am a vegetarian (have been so for a majority of my life) and he is not. Do you all have any suggestions on what to make? I have my own repertoire, but I’m curious what kind of vegetarian dishes meat eaters prefer. I’m not opposed to making something with meat in it, but that may seem weird since I don’t eat it.

    • Anne Shirley

      Don’t make something with meat! You’re trying to find out if you’re compatible right? I’d make your go to favorite meal that you love cooking and eating and share that with him with excitement. Give him a chance to enjoy it.

    • housecounsel

      Aerith, can you grill something steaklike? I am thinking a portabella mushroom? I have also seen some recipes for cauliflower steaks.

    • Brit

      Eggplant Parmesan is always a good choice. To me, it always seems hearty enough that you don’t miss the meat.

      I agree with Anne Shirley – my aunt has been a vegetarian for as long as I can remember and she never makes meat dishes, even when I was living with her for a whole summer.

      • Anon

        +1 I was going to say pasta but this would be a better choice (maybe even with pasta)

        • Brit

          +1 I was going to say pasta but this would be a better choice (maybe even with pasta)

    • Guinan

      Way not make one of your favorite vegetarian dishes that you do well? If you’re going to be spending time together, it won’t hurt him to learn how you like to eat.

    • KittyKat

      Don’t make something with meat, that sets bad prescient. I tend to make things like lasagnas, Mexican rice/beans, quiche, ect for my meat eater friends/SO. Heartier meals seem to be best for people who are super into their meat, be prepared you still might get an offensive comment or two that he won’t even realize.

    • AIMS

      I eat meat occasionally but usually don’t cook it. My SO is one of those guys who orders steak or a burger whenever they are on the menu…. BUT – he loves my cooking even though it’s 90% meat free. I think the tricks are: 1) avoid meat substitutes and 2) cook things that are main events in their own right. For me, 2) means pastas/pilafs/grain salads, ratatouille, vegetable pies with side salads, etc. The Plenty cookbook has a ton of really great recipes, and this one from it on Smitten Kitchen looks esp. delicious: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2014/06/pasta-and-fried-zucchini-salad/

      I’m sure whatever you make, he’ll love. And, of course, if you eat seafood, that’s a very easy compromise.

    • Anon in NYC

      Smitten Kitchen’s ratatouille. Seriously, so freaking good and actually pretty easy to make if you have a mandoline. Plus it tastes really hearty because of the tomato sauce and goat cheese.

      I’d pair that with a side salad. Smitten Kitchen has a shaved asparagus salad that is really good (lemon dressing, pine nuts, topped with parmesan).

    • L

      Personally, I don’t care if a dish has meat or not as long as it is well cooked and delicious. What I don’t like is the things that mimic meat because to me they never taste right (texture wise). Pick something that is filling and tasty and you will be fine.

    • ELL

      I’d do something with cheese in it. And make sure there’s some fat in addition to whatever protein source you choose. (My husband and I are usually starving 20 minutes after being served a vegetarian meal. Nothing against it! But our superfast metabolisms need lots of fat and protein. So you might consider whether your man might be similar.)
      Agree you shouldn’t do meat.

      • Anon

        +1. We’ve come home after more than one dinner at a vegetarian home to make ourselves a quick eggs & bacon!

  9. Charlie

    Need advice: I can’t carry a heavy tote on one shoulder anymore. Which is the better option for a young professional woman in NYC: wheeled briefcase or as-professional-as-possible backpack?

    I am afraid that the backpack will make me look like a schoolgirl and that the wheeled luggage will be a nightmare on NYC’s busy sidewalks. Any experience or advice?

    • Gdzila

      I’ve gone with backpack. There are so many different styles that are adult and professional-looking. Go for it and save your back. Hate wheeled briefcases.

    • Sue

      Get a nice backpack, much more convenient and easy to move around with than a wheeled briefcase.

    • Rachelellen

      Something cross body in leather. Mine is Kors. When I wear it cross body it is a bit snug; when I let it fall from one shoulder it’s a bit long.

  10. cold feet

    I’m moving in with my boyfriend tomorrow, and while I’m excited as can be, I also feel nervous! I’ve lived with someone before, and it was so heartbreaking when it ended. This time it feels so much more right – we’re on the same page about all of the big issues, much older than I was when I moved in with the other guy, etc. But we’re going straight from long-distance to moving in, and I worry that it just won’t “work.” These kinds of nerves are normal, though, yeah? I’m prone to anxiety as it is.

    On a similar page, any tips for living with someone? Things you’d wish you’d known when you moved in with your SO.

    • Anon

      If your SO has piles and piles of stuff, and instead of sorting through it before you move in together, says “Don’t worry let’s just move it all and I’ll go through it soon” — this is never going to happen! Make him/her do it before you move in. Trust me :)

    • L

      Cleaning schedule/expectations. the biggest fights we get in is how clean the bathroom is (his clean includes a moldy bathtub, mine does not). Everyone has to give a little on either side, but seriously after we developed a good old fashioned chore chart, it helped so much.

    • KinCA

      Two tips:

      1. Communicate your “roommate dealbreakers” upfront. When we moved in together, we each identified one thing that we really couldn’t stand in a living situation. Nothing makes me crazier than old food/dirty dishes lying around. My fiance hates that I kick my shoes off in a pile near our kitchen table when I come home from work. I make an effort to put my shoes away, he doesn’t leave his dishes in the sink (as much) = a much happier living situation for both of us.

      2. Pick your battles. It takes 30 seconds for me to pick his dirty clothes up off the floor vs. the 10-15 minutes it takes to get into an argument with him about how he never does it/I always pick up his stuff. And honestly? I don’t really mind picking up our bedroom after a long day at work (it’s rather relaxing), so I just let it go and appreciate it when he does nice things for me without me having to ask.

    • Ginjury

      I think the biggest change for us was just switching mindsets. When we were long distance and together, the real world stopped and we would basically spend every minute together. When we moved in together, it took a while to realize that we don’t have to hang out together all day/ do everything together because our time together isn’t quite so precious.

  11. anonyleg

    What kind of shoes do you ladies wear with leggings (+short dress or tunic)? I feel like flats and small wedge peep toes are too casual and make me look younger – maybe it’s the skin exposure in between? I feel fine pairing the same shoes with ankle pants though! Also what color leggings? It’s 90+ degrees here so I feel weird wearing short booties and/or black leggings. I have charcoal which works, iffy about taupe.

    • LilyB

      I think leggings generally look weird in the summer. I’d hold off on them until September. I tend to agree that leggings look better with boots/a shoe that covers your whole foot/ankle, but there’s nothing wrong with flats or other casual shoes (toms, keds) or even wedges. I also passionately hate any leggings that resemble a person’s skin color, or anything in the taupe/beige category, but that’s just me. I’d stick with black, dark gray, or navy.

      • hoola hopa

        +1

        If you aren’t comfortable with the way that they look with flats, then hold off until it’s cool enough for short boots. Or you could accept the younger look and just go with flats for now, but there’s not really a third magical solution.

    • OP

      Thanks everyone. I think I just have to get used to the look or wear hose instead to keep my legs warm in the office. Do you think lighter shoes work better (less contrast)?

  12. Famouscait / PM web apps?

    Does anyone have experience with the project management web apps Azendoo.com and/or Trello.com? I’m looking for something to use with my new assistant when I’m out on maternity leave and working remotely. I would prefer Trello for my own personal use, but feel like Azendoo is better since I can track tasks assigned/completed (a feature Trello completely lacks). Thoughts? Recommendations? Suggestions?

    • Moonstone

      Trello is so easy to use that I that I prefer it. Also, I have the user (your assistant, in this case) make her own tasks as “To-Do’s” so I can still see that tasks are being completed. I find that people are more engaged and ask more questions for clarification if they have to summarize or at least input the task themselves.

      • Famouscait / PM web apps?

        Good suggestion – thanks! Do you use the @name construct to assign tasks?

  13. LilyB

    Ladies, advice wanted.

    I moved into a new doorman building last Friday. The past week has been super busy so last night was the first time I used my garbage disposal. All prior garbage disposals I’ve had have been able to handle small amounts of oil (e.g. I could rinse out a measuring cup that had oil without worrying about clogging the sink) , garlic peels, etc. This one apparently cannot. The sink backed up. I was rushing out the door to an event so didn’t have time to call maintenance at that point. Later that night, don’t ask me why (a total brain fart moment), I ran the dishwasher when I got home. Well, as you can imagine, the sink backed up more and overflowed into my kitchen. My bf caught it in time and the water didn’t go past the kitchen or down into the apartment below (no carpet damage or anything), I shut off the dishwasher, and we started mopping up a little bit. I called maintenance and they paged the guy who’s on call and he came over. This was at 1 am- they had to wake him up. He not only fixed the issue (and told me how not to do it again in a really nice way), but he also cleaned up the entire kitchen. He insisted I shouldn’t worry, it was his job, etc. But I really feel that I should get him something. Is cash appropriate (I would leave it at the front desk for him) or is a food-like gift or gift certificate better? How much? Would $25-30 be okay? I want to thank him even though it’s his job to be available for emergencies, and I also think it’s a good idea to be well-liked by maintenance workers in case of future issues.

    TIA!

    • AIMS

      Cash. Always cash. Include a nice note about how much you appreciate it and mention how great he is to his boss (usually the super or management co.). I think $30 is fine. If there was a lot of clean up, I’d do a bit more but I am in NYC where everything is inflated, not sure where you are.

    • Anon

      A note thanking him for doing a great job (and going above and beyond) would be good. You could include a small gift card to a restaurant/coffee shop but cash seems a little weird. I would also let the building manager know how happy you were with him and put in the note that you were going to do this.

    • Carrie

      Cash definitely. I always give at least $20, and because of the late hour… I would give him $30.

      I would also send compliments up to his boss.

      One of my mottos in life is – Never underestimate the power of positive feedback, a good tip, and a thank you card.

    • Anon S

      That’s so nice of the doorman, and nice of you to want to give something to him! I think cash is the way to go. I live in Chicago and used to live in a doorman building and if something like this happened I think 25-30 is definitely appropriate. And as others have said, let his boss/supervisor know as well.

  14. Tinkerbell

    Going to a bridal shower. We are supposed to give gifts that “pamper the bride”. Any suggestions?

    • Orangerie

      Spa/massage/mani-pedi gift certificate. Fancy lotion set. Makeup palette.

      Side note, I think it’s really lame and TBH quite tacky to mandate what type of gifts guests should bring.

      • MNF

        Consider that the bride will probably get a lot of lotion/spa gift certificates. To me, pamper means buying something outside the budget/frivolous. Maybe something that would be a personal splurge for the bride? For example, a gift certificate to a great restaurant if she loves food.

        Orangerie – In general I agree, but I think there’s an exception for bridal showers which, after all, are named such because guests are supposed to “shower the bride” with gifts. It’s kind of like thinking it’s tacky that someone tries to sell you tupperware at a tupperware party – it’s the nature of the event.

        • Orangerie

          If she didn’t want a lot of spa gift certificates, they shouldn’t have limited the gift category to “pamper”…

          I’m not saying don’t bring a gift to a bridal shower, but the type of gift should be up to the giver, not the receiver. Imagine if it were the actual wedding, and instead of pampering gifts the couple requested gusts bring exclusively money to put toward a honeymoon or down payment? That’s generally considered very tacky, so I’m not sure how this gets a pass.

          • MNF

            Registry/wedding-event gift issues are so interesting because there are such varied answers on what is considered tacky. I think bridal showers with themes get extra latitude in part because it’s not actually the receiver dictating the type of gift, it’s the host of the party (who may or may not be consulting with the bride!).

      • Tinkerbell

        Oh they didn’t specify the type of gifts, I just asked a friend of the host what kind of gift to purchase. My default would have been lingerie. Would a robe be too out there?

          • Anonymous

            It’s kind of cheesy, but a go-to bridal shower gift for me is a soft, cozy robe and I get it embroidered with “Mrs. Smith” of whatever her new last name is. It always goes over very well. I’m sure there are some women out there who would be offended by the presumption of taking the husbands name, but my friends take it in the fun/playful way its meant.

        • Cat

          wait, does the shower invitation specify that you’re supposed to pamper the bride? or does the host’s friend just prefer to give such a thing for a shower gift? for every shower I’ve attended, the vast majority of gifts were off the registry – bedding, kitchen stuff, etc. No one gave lingerie except at my bachelor3tt3 party – in fact I would have been kind of embarrassed to open it in front of a crowd that included my grandma.

          ETA if pampering is the theme, a nice robe would be great.

        • Lorelai Gilmore

          I think a pretty robe is a perfect, luxurious gift. (Incidentally, I cannot stand the word “pampering.” It’s like nails on a chalkboard for me. Anyone else?)

      • National_Anthem

        I got an invite for a shower recently that instructed us to “shower the bride with personal items!” which I think is very strange phrasing. I just keep thinking of someone throwing a handful of tampons at her.

  16. Anon S

    Happy Friday ladies! Two thread jack questions:

    1. Do you tip house cleaners, and if so, how much?

    2. I just found out this week that I am pregnant (a little over 4 weeks). I realize this is a personal question and everyone is different, but for your first pregnancy, how long did you wait to tell your close friends? I’m definitely not going to publicly tell people until much later but I would like to tell a few of my best friends. Just wondering how long other people waited in this situation. I suppose my thought is, if something bad happened God forbid, I would want my friends to be able to support me during that time (in addition to my husband).

    TIA!

    • Orangerie

      I give my house cleaners a cash tip during the holiday season in an amount slightly over the normal fee I pay. Sometimes with a small box of chocolates or other treats.

      No pregnancy advice, but congratulations!

    • Anon

      I told my closest friends a couple of days after I found out. They also told me a couple of days after they found out when they were expecting as well. We now have a running joke of sorts, whenever someone sends a text out that say “guess what?” then we know!

    • Manhattanite

      I waited 12 wks. It seemed like bad luck to me tell earlier. Told my mom at 10 and my sisters at 11. I would still have been able to count on support if I’d had a miscarriage.

    • Anonymous

      I told family and very close friends as soon as we found out at 4 weeks (I’m 9 weeks now). I’m going to wait until probably like 17 – 18 weeks to tell people I’m not close to.

    • Samantha

      For 2 closest friends and the 2 grandmas-to-be, I waited until the first doctor’s appointment and scan/heartbeat – to really, really confirm that there was something in there! That happened at about 7ish weeks I think (earliest the doctor will see you).
      For all others (somewhat close friends, extended family) I waited until after 13 weeks.

    • AIMS

      For house cleaners – you can tip if you’re using a service. Otherwise only at holiday time.
      For pregnancy – I think a good rule of thumb is you share with anyone you would also feel comfortable sharing if something went wrong. I think that’s the reason most people keep mum until 12 weeks. Congratulations on your happy news!

    • Danielle

      Not pregnant myself, but the advice I’ve heard is until 12 weeks, tell only people you’d feel comfortable telling if there was bad news.

    • anon

      12 weeks for everyone (one or two weeks earlier for my parents, so we could tell them in person), except with my third I told my BFF almost immediately because it was a surprise and I was in total shock and HAD to tell someone.

  18. Anonymous

    Advice needed please. I’ve posted recently about being pregnant with twins. I’m a huge planner (and as I thought I knew but really didn’t…you can’t plan out a pregnancy). I got pregnant at what I thought was the absolute most ideal time for my work projects. My 12 weeks of maternity leave would hit at the our slowest time of the year and I would put practically no dent in the operation of our department. Then I find out it’s twins, which I am really happy about and I do feel really blessed. The doctor said I need to be ready for anything at 30 weeks, which takes more than 2 months away from the time I have to work on my part of our annual deadline huge project. I’m confident that I can get it done by 30 weeks (I’m 9 weeks now) if I let my supervisors know what’s going on now. They need to push on other departments to get the information I need expedited. I do not have the authority to do this myself or I would.

    Is there any reason you would advise against letting my supervisors (and only my supervisors, not the entire company) know now that I’m pregnant with twins. If something goes wrong they’ll likely know anyway. As discussed a few weeks ago on this board I am not techinically covered by FMLA because there are only 15 people in my mid-west office and the other 350 employees are on the east coast. I believe that I am still covered by the Pregnancy Disability Act. If I do tell my supervisors here soon should I let HR know first? Does that protect me in any way?

    • Samantha

      At 9 weeks, I’d hesitate to tell my bosses/HR since the first trimester isn’t through yet. Also once you tell your bosses (unless they are very discreet) I’d worry the cat will be out of the bag and colleagues would start to know and spread the word too.
      IME it’s enough if you tell your immediate bosses and don’t necessarily need to discuss it with HR until later when it’s time to talk benefits/coverage/leave etc.
      It’s great that you’re putting the company’s interest first and thinking about how to minimize the impact on your project, but don’t neglect your own interests in terms of confidentiality until you’re ready to disclose. Is it that bad for the project if you wait another month before telling?

      • Anonymous

        Yes, I think another month could have a significant impact. I receive a huge chunk of information from another Dept. I generally receive this information in late October. I seriously don’t know (and neither do my supervisors) why in h*ll it takes them until October to get their part of the project done when our year end in 6/30….but I don’t do that part of the job and maybe it really does take a significant amount of time. If my supervisors could give the other Dept. a heads up (maybe not tell them why) but tell them that we must have the information by late September or we won’t be able to complete our project on time this year that would really help me out. Maybe the other Dept. says that it’s absolutely not do-able but in that case, at least I can say that I tried everything in my power to get my part of the project done before leaving. Sorry that was a long explanation.

    • Mo

      Yes, I would advise against letting people know because most twin pregnancies go well past 30 weeks, especially if you weren’t undergoing fertility treatment. If you try to move heaven and earth to accomodate your projected schedule, you’re going to look like a prima donna. In telling you to be ready at 30 weeks, the doctor is probably reacting to your “huge planner” side. I don’t know what your project entails, but, unless your company is unlike every company I’ve ever worked in, I can guarantee that getting expedited info from other departments will result in corrections to that info after you’ve already incorporated it. I know it’s hard, but try to look at this pregnancy as practice for dealing with the huge unpredictibility of parenting the kids you end up with.

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