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Updated: Nov 15, 2018 206 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Long-Sleeve Scuba Dress with Tie

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. If you're somewhere in the size range of 14–28 and have not checked out Eloquii in a while, you should know they've got a lot of good stuff right now, including some very va-va-voom styles from their Jason Wu collaboration. For the office, I like this long-sleeve scuba dress, which comes in five colors (including black and white) and is machine washable. It's $99.90 and $109.90, depending on color, but right now you can get 40%, which brings the price down to only $59.94 and $69.94. Also worth a look: this pretty brocade jacket. Long-Sleeve Scuba Dress with Tie For options in regular sizes, it's somewhat difficult to find a tie-waist style that's not a wrap dress or shirtdress, but try these from Gap ($69.95) and Bobeau ($29.97 on sale).  (If you are interested in plus size workwear, please sign up for CorporettePlus, our newsletter! Signing up helps us gauge interest in the project, and we promise not to blast your email more than once a week at most. Right now it’s more like once a month.) This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. AIMS

    This dress is gorgeous, love that color.

    What is everyone wearing under their suits these days? For some reason all my usual go-to’s feel frumpy and blah. I can’t figure out what I’m missing. Is it the suits that are the issue? Do I just need to do something with accessories? I usually like thin sweaters in this kind of weather under my suits but it just isn’t working for me.

    • Anonymous

      Suits in general have felt frumpy to me over the past few years, no matter what kind of top I wear. I’ve switched exclusively to sheath dresses plus blazers or sheath dresses with sleeves. For my next big workwear purchase I’d like to get a matching “suit” of sheath dress and blazer in the same fabric.

      • SW

        This is what I do – sheath dress and blazer for just about everything except federal court hearings. My jurisdiction is a little more relaxed than a lot of others, though.

      • Rainbow Hair

        Hey if you find a good, classic one that’s not $$$, please post about it here. I have some meh grey suit/dress thingies but I want something that makes me feel ~*awesome*~ instead of fine. If that green one from the other day wasn’t sold out in my style, they would’ve got all my money.

    • espresso bean

      Take this with a grain of salt since I do not work in a suit-wearing industry, but what about button-down shells with a subtle pattern or feminine details around the collar? I always feel a little fresher when I wear something like that as my first layer instead of a basic crew neck.

      Unrelated, but the commenting system is working for me and the thrill of seeing my comments AS I POST THEM is making me giddy. Suddenly I have opinions on everything now that I can more easily contribute!

      • Duckles

        I think button downs under a suit is a really dated look (like mid-2000s)– now it’s shells (or sheath dresses) all the way. Suit style has also changed. I still own and wear a couple traditional suits I’ve bought in the last few years, but 1) most blazers are now collarless and I think collars look frumpy, even though they’re a suit standard and 2) I still buy trouser cut suit pants because they’re the most formal and flattering, but they’re definitely not a fashion forward look.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Ravello top from Boden (although they haven’t done this one in many colors lately and I wonder if they’re phasing it out; the carey top looks like it may be a good replacement), and then I just got a couple of short-sleeve washable wool shells from Uniqlo.

    • Cat

      Silk blouse or shell plus updating the jackets to a collarless style feels fresher to me.

      Side note: Kat, the bottom of screen ad is really disruptive on mobile. It’s way too easy to accidentally tap and is in the way of submitting comments.

    • Anonymous

      I made a Fall fashion resolution to drag out all my accessories and wear them, since I tend to forget them and end up with something pretty basic. I have bravely draped silk scarves, pinned on one of a couple of broaches, and belted a couple of jackets. You might try something similar?

    • Anonymous

      I’ve gone to long sleeve, boatneck, striped tops – like a breton. I haven’t done it to court, but to mediations and depos. I find this relatively comfy with a trouser suit. I also think rolling the blazer sleeves up makes it feel more modern. I also like to do “suits” that consist of solid trousers with an interesting blazer. In my not very fancy jurisdiction this has all worked fine.

    • Kapow!

      Caveat: I’m in the sartorially chill PNW and the dress code in my industry tends toward creative touches and business casual looks for most days.

      I like a sleeveless shell or tank under a suit, either in a solid pop of color with a bold necklace or in a festive print with more sedate jewelry. Cool scarves and accessories are a big thing in my office and industry so I incorporate a lot of those and they keep my wardrobe from feeling too Office Space.

  3. Rothy's code?

    I’m ready to pull the trigger and buy my first pair of Rothys. Does anyone have a promo code to share? Thanks!

  4. Ann Perkins!

    I’m generally pretty healthy, but I’ve put on a few pounds and need to reevaluate my eating habits a little bit and get back on my exercise routine. What are your favorite easy healthy meals that are still cozy? I can’t get motivated to eat my usual go to (salads, fresh chopped veggies with hummus, healthy grain salads, etc.) when it’s 40 degrees and rainy and my soul wants hot chocolate.

    • Cb

      I’ve been making lentil soup in the instant pot and it’s great. Very filling and warm but also very healthy. I do carrots, a tin of tomatoes, lentils, low sodium bouillon, and a dash of lemon.

    • Vicky Austin

      Echo Cb – lentil soup is awesome. Bean soup too – you can sneak lots of veggies in and beans are super good for you.

      Also, I promise I am not paid by Budget Bytes (just love that site forever), but I’ve been eying her Smoky Potato Chickpea Stew lately… (link to follow)

    • espresso bean

      Chili or soup! They feel hearty and satisfying, but you can still make them healthy.

      • pugsnbourbon

        I’ve been making big batches of soup in the crockpot on Sundays and eating them for healthy lunches through the week.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Same here. I find the recipes on Skinnytaste are usually really good. I frequently make her turkey and sweet potato chili and kid friendly crockpot chili, and this week I made the carrot & ginger soup (and used my immersion blender for the first time and discovered you really should use a pot with high sides for that…)

        • Anonymous

          +1 to Skinnytaste recipes, esp. soup. Her loaded baked potato soup is great and feels indulgent. I also really like her Chunky Beef, Cabbage and Tomato Soup (I add some rice and paprika to make it more like stuffed cabbage). Oh and the mini turkey meatball vegetable soup is another favorite. Aside from Skinnytaste, I like this Minestrone, which is from Cook’s Illustrated. https://www.geniuskitchen.com/recipe/hearty-minestrone-soup-407648

        • cat socks

          Another recommendation for Skinnytaste. I like the Baked Potato Soup and Unstuffed Cabbage Rolls.

          Last night I made the Thai Red Curry Chicken from Once Upon a Chef. You could serve it without rice for a low carb meal.

          The Spicy Peanut Soup w/ Sweet Potato & Kale from Pinch of Yum is also good. I use frozen kale.

          • Bean74

            Currently eating Skinnytaste’s Turkey Taco Chili Soup. It comes together quickly, freezes beautifully, and I can get 7-8 servings out of it.

      • Worry about yourself

        Have you tried the lentil broth bowls at Panera? I had my first one this week . . . and then my second two days later. I’m kind of obsessed, and would love to make something similar at home, but looking at the ingredients I may need to simplify things a bit.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I’ve been making a dish that I freakin’ love: zucchini in tiny cubes, yellow squash in matchsticks, orange pepper cut up tiny: throw in frying pan with a ton of garlic until the veggies start to get sweet. I add spices at this point, when the pan is still kind of dry, because they smell so good that way. I do italian stuff. Once the veggies are cooked to deliciousness, add peeled chopped tomatoes or a can of tomatoes and stir more to let it get thick-ish. Right before you take it off the stove, add spinach leaves chopped into little strips. I eat it over like 5 tortellinis because I love pasta and cheese, but it’s hearty and filling enough to be a meal on its own… and most importantly it’s got that hearty, warm, winter-comfort-food vibe that I’ve been craving. I call it “pile of vegetables.”

      • Jules

        I do a similar thing but throw in drained and rinsed cannellini beans. So good, super-fast.

    • Anonymous

      I forget where I found this soup recipe – Smitten Kitchen? – parmesan broth with white beans and kale, with parm sprinkled on top. You use parmesan rinds to make the broth. It tastes decadent without being too heavy.

    • Anonymous

      I like baked sweet potatoes topped with a little bit of something spicy and saucy–curry, chili, BBQ pulled chicken, etc.

    • Owl lover

      I love soups. I eat them everyday for lunch. Try heart healthy Campbell’s or progressive light varieties.

    • Anonymous

      Following! I’m always happy to do breakfast for dinner once a week or so with a big omelet, savory oatmeal, or huevos rancheros. Meat sauce with zucchini noodles and a very small portion of noodles is also good too.

    • Portia

      Spaghetti squash roasted with salt, pepper, garlic, and a splash of olive oil. I like to dollop in some low-fat ricotta but you can do marinara instead. Warm, filling, seasonal comfort food.

  5. Less Common Thanksgiving Desserts

    I was asked to bring a third dessert option for thanksgiving dinner. Someone is already bringing my go-to’s: an apple pie and a sweet potato or pumpkin pie. Besides those classics, what are your favorite thanksgiving dessert options? Links appreciated if you have them!

    • Anon

      Pecan pie is the traditional third pie at Thanksgiving. But you could also do a non-pie alternative. If you want to stay pumpkiny, you can do a pumpkin roll or a pumpkin cheesecake or pumpkin fudge or pumpkin cookies/ pumpkin bars. Other options include bread pudding, pistachio biscotti, white chocolate and cranberry cookies, tres leches cake, or even that strawberry jello pretzel thing that people either love or hate.

    • Isabela the She-Wolf

      Sour cream raisin pie was my grandma’s favorite- we used to make it just for her.

    • Pompom

      As long as you can secure a sliver of freezer space, this is the easiest and most delicious thing ever, and completely adaptable to the tastes of the people attending.

      Take 1 premade crumb crust (graham cracker or oreo crust), plus 1 container of ice cream of your choosing. Let the ice cream thaw ever so slightly in the fridge so that you can scoop and pack it into the crust. Smooth the ice cream out. Have whipped cream and a drizzly sauce of some kind (chocolate, caramel, butterscotch, etc) at the ready, and enjoy.

      My suggestion for Thanksgiving would be a graham cracker crust + bourbon pecan ice cream + salted caramel sauce, OR oreo crust + salted caramel ice cream + chocolate sauce. My Xmas go-to is oreo crust + peppermint stick ice cream + chocolate sauce.

    • Cb

      I’d do something rich and chocoolate-y. Maybe David Leibovitz’s chocolate tart. Or smitten kitchen’s vegan olive oil cake.

      • Idea

        I make olive oil cake for Hannukah and it is so understated and good – even the kiddos like it!

    • lsw

      What about ice cream and a homemade fancy whipped cream with grand marnier or something in it?

      • OP

        I like this idea.
        Do you think doing a fancy homemade whipped cream would hold for a few hours (drive to their house + through the dinner)? I wouldn’t want to inconvenience the hosts by needing to use their mixer to re-whip the cream when they’ll be so busy.

        • SomeoneOutThere

          It sound strange, but you can stabilize whipped cream by adding a little gelatin to it. Wilton or Cook’s Illustrated will have instructions. I’ve done it before and it works without making the whipped cream weird.

        • MagicUnicorn

          I’ve never done anything special to get whipped cream to stabilize. I just whip it about 3 minutes past when it first looks the right consistency and it stays just fine, even for a few days in the fridge. You can freeze it, too, but it takes longer to thaw than the Cool Whip stuff does.

          • anon

            Yup, this is what I do. I use the Epicurious sweetened whip cream recipe and it lasts for a few days in the fridge. You can add as much or as little sugar to it as you want.

          • Aggie

            +1 As long as it is cold, you are golden. I would lean to a little less sugar if you are topping ice cream but really you can’t go wrong.

    • espresso bean

      Smitten Kitchen is my go-to for this kind of thing. Pumpkin bourbon cheesecake, pumpkin cinnamon rolls, pumpkin bread pudding, or that olive oil cake someone else mentioned is a nice contrast to all the heavier desserts. But I agree that no one is going to be mad if you show up with a chocolate tart!

    • KS IT Chick

      I’ve been doing a Fruits of the Forest pie that everyone in my family loves. Stew together a about cup each of frozen blueberries, red raspberries, blackberries, cherries and sliced apples, with a half cup of sugar and a half cup of water. Once it is good & gooey, pour it into a pie shell and bake.

      I also make cream cheese ice cream, which is absolutely decadent. Cream cheese, heavy cream, sugar & eggs. The first three are scalded together, then temper the eggs with it, then beat the eggs back into the base. Chill, then churn. I’ve had this be thick enough that it wouldn’t churn.

        • KS IT Chick

          Sure! :)

          I also do a similar stone fruit pie, using a combination of fresh, frozen & dried peaches, plums & apricots. That can also be a delicious upside down cake with a change from pie crust to yellow or butter cake and some caramel sauce.

    • Worry about yourself

      I usually make a pecan pie for my family, either one with a dark chocolate layer along the bottom or one sweetened with orange zest and agave nectar. Another idea could be to bake a brie in a puff pastry, and add maybe some dried cranberries, orange zest, and walnuts, or maybe some jam, or honey (or hot honey, if you can find some!), and serve it with baguette slices – baked brie is typically more of an appetizer than a dessert, but a savory dessert with cheese could add a nice balance to some of the really sweet options on the table.

    • FP

      This dessert buffet is screaming for something chocolate. My (Southern) suggestion is chocolate chess pie.

    • Kate

      Given the options already on the table, I’d be sad if you brought anything that wasn’t chocolate.

  6. Raise request timing?

    I have an upcoming goal review/goal setting meeting with my boss. I’ve been with my organization 2 years. During my last annual review, my boss said I set the standard for what someone can do in my role. I did not, at the time, use it as an opportunity to ask directly for a raise, but did ask about promotional opportunities and steps he would advise I take to grow at the org. However, this year, I learned I am making less than the midpoint for my role, according to org data. I think I should be making close to the top of role’s range (this would be around a 30k increase). Should I see how the goals review/setting meeting goes, and then ask for a separate convo re: compensation if it all goes well? I’d like to go into a conversation about salary well informed re: how my boss sees my contributions currently.

    • Anon

      Assuming the meeting goes well, and it should, you should have two questions.

      1) Ask boss to explain more about the process to request a raise. What is the timing? Do you have any part to play? Are there internal caps on the size? What can you do to advocate for a raise closer to the higher end of the salary band?

      2) Your career goals – do you want to stay in the role another year or two? Then what? Assuming you want to move on, you say something like “Since I’m doing well in this role, I’d like to start thinking about my next steps. I was thinking I’d shoot for an X Role in 1-2 years, but I’d love to get your thoughts. What would I need to demonstrate before I could get that role? What’s the best way to set myself up for that role over the next year or so – networking, take on another project, attend Y meetings, anything else?”

    • CHL

      Yes – definitely start asking now. One thing to keep in mind is that at some large companies that have a lot of structure around pay programs, the annual review cycle is actually not a good time to get a big raise because everything is set up for a 3% across the board budget (or similar). So you might be boxed into a small official raise but you want to be asking about an “off-cycle” increase which has less structured bureaucracy around it. I had a similar conversation with a boss once and it ended up being two moderately sized (like 8%) jumps spread out rather than the larger increase at one time. Good luck – keep advocating for your worth!

      • Worry about yourself

        Yes, I didn’t even know this was a thing until very recently, when my boss and I were discussing pay and bonuses and he said he’d try to get me a bigger bump in pay, since even he thinks I should be making more than I am.

    • anon a mouse

      I’d set the stage in your performance review for the raise conversation: I’m glad that my contributions are so valuable to the organization. I’d like to have a separate conversation about ensuring that my salary reflects my value.

  7. Anon

    I missed the comments post yesterday and wanted to say thank you to Kat for addressing reader concerns. I also wanted to repeat a suggestion I’ve made over the years, which is to have a better system of tagging or categorizing posts so we’re not always revisiting the same topics. There have probably been 100+ requests for advice on La Canadienne boots and another 200+on favorite pies to make for Thanksgiving. It would be great to be able to find old posts more easily (the search function through google works some of the time, but only if you know the exact key words you’re looking for).

    • Kat G

      Thank you for reading! I’ve looked into this (several times over the years, most recently a week or two ago) and it would have to be totally custom coded. (Ditto for having a separate search engine for the comments.) If you see this on any other WordPress site please let me know; we’ll consider it for the future once we get the expand/collapse coding corrected.

      • Anonymous

        Re. the expand/collapse coding, are you going to make it so that clicking “expand” under the initial post in the thread expands the entire thread, so you don’t have to expand each individual level of replies?

      • Anon

        It would be manual, but could you create a tag system? Just tag the posts with the main discussion topics in the comments (like winter boots/ male friends/ thanksgiving meals/ healthy recipes/ suits). It’s not perfect but it’d be a start.

        • Idea

          This would be great and I think would help motivate commenters to be involved and still post and search and help each other and find new topics.

          • Kat G.

            I think so long as you use those words in your comment itself they will still come up in search. We’d have to come up with a whole style guide and somehow communicate that to commenters who wanted to manually tag — for example if discussing where to stay on the Upper West Side please use the words “NYC” in your post, not “New York” or “Manhattan” as the tag. And even then a single word (like NYC) will be weighted, but a double word (like New York) might or might not be parsed separately. Even when I’m searching in the comments on the backend it can be tricky to find what I want sometimes.

          • Anon

            I envisioned this as something you (or your assistants) do. At the end of a day or week, skim the post and tag it based on the top discussions. Yes, maybe you’d need a running list to remember whether you were using C:New York, C:NYC, or C:Manhattan, but since you’re doing the curating it stays much more manageable and you don’t have 50 people trying to tag it based on one comment. (The C: means it’s in the comments not the post). Similar to how this one is already tagged TPS/Plus Size/Under150, you’d just have more tags on each post.

            It’s an old, not maintained blog now, but Blind Items Exposed used to do this. They listed all the tags on the side (bigger font for more frequently used ones) and it was an easy way to search for all the posts with Jake Gyllenhaal as a popular guess in the comments.

      • Anon

        Would you consider doing some of those topics as their own posts (like Thanksgiving side dishes, quick meals, etc.)?

        Would you take suggestions for post topics?

        • Cb

          Yeah, I think that’d be great. Kind of a themed open thread – ask your Thanksgiving questions here. Or gift ideas.

        • Anonymous

          Oh, I love this idea! Like one of your master guides (eg, to comfortable heels). Unless that creates more work for you…

    • Lots to Learn

      I agree. There are so many great discussions on this site in the Comments, but they are incredibly difficult to find (even using the hack people mention for how to search on Google). I hear you that it’s difficult, but if you can make the comments searchable or tagged, you’d make your loyal readers SOOOOOO happy.

  8. Shortie

    I have the dress from the Gap that’s linked in a petite. It works really well for my narrow hips and DD bust. Totally work appropriate, although a little on the shorter side (above my knees and I’m 5’1″), but also works for nice casual. Also, I’m a little low waisted, so I was able to snip the loops that hold the waist-tie and wear the tie at my natural waist (rather than my rib cage).

  9. anon

    I’m in my early 30s and have always had a lot of close male friends. I’ve been married for a few years, as have many of my friends, so I’m wondering what your boundaries are for healthy and close opposite sex friendships

    • Anonymous

      It’s more of a gut feeling for me than an objective test. That said, I do have a bright line rule than I don’t share intimate details with friends (male or female) and I wouldn’t be as likely to complain about my husband to a male. I don’t mean a one-off comment like “ugh DH made me late for work this morning” which I would say to anyone. But if we were really fighting about something, I would not confide in a male friend about it. And this is an unpopular opinion on this s!te (someone once called me Mike Pence for it) but I don’t drink when I’m hanging out with a male friend or colleague one in one. Alcohol lowers my inhibitions and I want to have my wits about me in that situation.

      • Anonymous

        I think it’s always fine to not drink for any reason. This line isn’t one I find necessary, but if it works for you, great!

      • anon

        I feel like it’s totally fine to set that boundary for yourself…and in that way you are not like Mike Pence at all. Also, it’s not like you’re harming anyone else by not drinking. Widespread implementation of Pence’s ideas on the other hand would cut women off from friendships and professional relationships with men, which I find unacceptable.

        Still, I’m genuinely curious as to how you arrived at this rule. I guess I just don’t feel like not having my wits about me 100% would lead me toward any inappropriate behavior.

        • Anonymous

          Not the poster you’re asking the question of, but I can understand her stance on alcohol. She has a goal not merely to avoid inappropriate behavior, but also not to go to conversational areas with her male friends that could cross her line. I’m guessing that she knows the kinds of lines she’s likely to loosen or ignore when alcohol is in the mix.

        • emeralds

          Not Anonymous at 10:05, but I have a similar rule about a particular male friend of a friend. I am in a happy, committed, and monogamous relationship, but the friend of a friend and I just have crazy chemistry–we were at a party last year, both of us had been drinking, and I realized a too late for my own comfort level that things had gotten way, wayyy too flirty. And in my wildly misspent youth, I did not always made the best decisions when confronted with a hot guy + large amounts of alcohol. I never cheated on anyone, but I got close a couple of times. So I just know that if that one guy will be around, I feel more comfortable keeping a lid on the drinking. I love my SO and I don’t ever want to put myself in a situation where sober emeralds would know to put on the brakes, but drunk emeralds didn’t.

          I also have plenty of straight male friends with whom I have totally platonic relationships, including in occasional date-like situations (colleague who I spent a weekend exploring a romantic city with after a work trip while we were both dating other people, other friend who I go to the movies with occasionally since his wife hates theaters, etc.)

      • Idea

        I just went to a networking event and met very flirty guy there. I tried to bring up my husband in our convo, he was still flirty.
        When I’m getting to the point that I’m uncomfortable and would feel guilty or uncomfortable telling my husband about the situation, or I don’t want to tell Husband because of that… that’s a line that has been crossed that I need to get back to.
        My good male friends are also friends enough with my husband that when I say, hey, I was at the grocery store this evening and guess who I saw who wants to have lunch? My husband might know the answer as to whom and would be totally ok with us having lunch together and I would be ok telling him.
        I’m also not a big drinker. 1 would be a lot for me. My male friends know this.

    • Anonymous

      I am single and straight and have several close male married friends. I’m perfectly comfortable going out to dinner or drinks with them alone, but I only entertain them in my home with their wives. I complain to them about dating but we never talk about physical stuff and I’m always happy to see their wives and invite them along.

    • anonshmanon

      Why do you need a special set of rules on how you treat men vs. women? Have you had bad experiences in the past (male friends coming on to you, cheating, jealousy issues)?

      • Anonymous

        Because if both OP and the guy are straight, there is an extra potential outcome to the relationship that isn’t there with same-sex friendships. That potential outcome can loom over certain interactions that seem intimate or familiar in a way that wouldn’t happen with a same-sex friendship.

        • Anonymous

          +1 And there’s the added dimension with my married male friends where I want to honor their relationships with their wives. So one of my guidelines is no conversational topics that I wouldn’t be totally happy to be discussing with the man’s wife there, as well.

    • Never too many shoes...

      I always get in trouble on these threads. I may have been the one to liken the above poster to Mike Pence but I have also been shot down for being a “cool girl”.

      I do not draw lines between my female and male friends at all. If I would discuss something painful, intimate, sexual or whatever with my female bestie, it seems so wrong to not also share those feelings and emotions with my male best friend just because he is male. I would be outraged, and am constantly in the real world, about women being denied anything solely on the basis of being women so I cannot justify that in my own life. Plus, my male friends generally, and my best friend in particular, have proven to be trustworthy, supportive and often less judgmental than some of my female ones.

      I am married and so are my closest male friends. I spend time with them, alone and in groups, drunk and sober, and I really never give it a second thought.

      • Ellen

        I agree with the ORIGINAL OP. You have to draw the line and NOT invite men to your home (or apartement, if you live in a coop in NYC). Men automatically assume (however falsely it is), that if a woman invites a man into their apartment, that they are free to go for it, and that they are expected to have s-x with me if I let them in. I learned early on that I should NOT let a man into my apartment alone, unless they are with their wife. Married men know there is some restriction if we are out at a restaurant, so they must keep their hands to themselves in a public place, but all bet’s are off once you let a man into your apartement. They know that they are not going to get a call from their wife (their phones are off), so they are free to do all they can, and if you say stop, who is going to help you if they start pulling your panties down? Exactly. NO ONE. And if someone does overhear, then people will say “what did you expect? You let a man into your apartment at night! Did you expect him to come in so that you could play charades? PLEASE!!!”

    • Anon for This

      I am single but for me, it depends on the friend themselves and not their gender. I don’t necessarily draw bright lines.

      For example, one of my best guy friends is in a serious, long-term relationship. I don’t know his partner very well because they live in a different city. But I will have very detailed, explicit conversations with him (and it goes both ways) because we’ve been friends for so long and when we were younger, we were each other’s sounding boards.

      But I am more distant/conversation is not as detailed with other and newer friends. So I guess – depends on the relationship itself, not necessarily the gender of my friend.

    • Anon

      Typically the line for me is not spending alone time in each other’s home, unless working on a project of some sort, and definitely not late into the night. This is entirely dependent on if the guy is straight or not as well because it has nothing to do with whether or not there is a chance of cheating (there isn’t or I wouldn’t be friends with the guy), but rather respect for my spouse against the appearance of potential cheating/impropriety – even the most feminist open minded guys I know care deeply about how they and their relationship is portrayed in front of people they know. When you’re in a relationship, I fully support drawing intimacy boundaries for where your SO belongs and where others, particularly male friends belong. It shows a respect for the relationship and gives the significant other comfort in where each of you stand with respect to behavior with the opposite sex. It’s all about respect for the primary relationship – I also have an intimacy boundary with female friends as well (ex. don’t tell them intimate details about gardening or troubles in the marriage) but the physical boundaries that are there with men aren’t as relevant because I’m straight.

      • Never too many shoes...

        I ask this without snark, really – who do you discuss your relationship/sex issues with if your friends are off limits?

          • Never too many shoes...

            I really cannot understand that. Do you never need advice or to see if you are being reasonable about something? Do you include siblings in this or are they also off limits? I don’t have a therapist and I am an only child, am I never meant to discuss my problems or ask sex questions of people I trust?

            That sounds like such an isolated and lonely life to me.

          • Anonymous

            Not the anon above, but I would never discuss sex issues (with a spouse or long term partner) with friends or siblings or parents or anyone. That stuff is private and I would never discuss it with anyone who didn’t have an oath of confidentiality – that is, therapist, medical doctor or religious official. My spouse, friends and my spouse’s friends all feel the same way so I don’t think this is some crazy weird opinion. It’s not a sad lonely life because I don’t discuss my sex life with my friends. There are thousands of other topics we can and do discuss, and we support each other emotionally. And anyway, if I had sex issues, I’d want help from a professional who might actually be able to help. Many sexual problems stem from mental or physical health problems. Spilling my husbands personal stuff to friends isn’t going to help solve anything. Seeing a doctor and/or therapist is.

      • anonshmanon

        ‘respect for my spouse against the appearance of potential cheating/impropriety’
        wow. That is so Jane Austen.

        • CPA-by-day

          I agree with that idea, to be faithful not only in fact but also in appearance. You can laugh, but I have dealt with major gossip and drama from the way an innocent platonic relationship seemed to others. Was not worth it.

  10. Anon

    I was asked to bring a “snack” to Thanksgiving dinner. I’m no chef. My normal go-to is a cheese tray, but that can get pricey. What would you bring?

  11. burnout

    Can anyone give me any success stories on working through burnout? I’m a lawyer who has grown increasingly dissatisfied with my status quo. Working spouse, school aged-child, involved in the community and want to be able to give time to all those things. My work product is good I think, I’m fairly senior and independent, my book of business is small but trending upwards, but I just don’t have it in me to be putting up with the high expectations for billables. Plus, I’m already way underpaid which is pretty demotivating. So I feel a lot of pressure and scrutiny for not billing a ton of hours, but cannot pull up the energy to do so. My capacity for dealing with work related stress is dwindling. Nor am I interested in gunning for partner which is probably obvious to everyone (I’m already counsel) Right now, I’m trying to work up the nerve to talk to my firm about some sort of alternate comp set-up like a production based instead of straight salary because I feel like that would balance everything out. I’m not really sure what I am asking for here. Yes, I’m already in therapy and we’ve discussed this, but I’m having a hard time effectuating this. Any suggestions?

    • Anonymous

      Wellbutin + effective therapist + regular exercise has been helpful in dealing with burnout for me. It takes a while to find your way out of the burnout.

    • Duckles

      Don’t do alternative comp because you’ll work basically the same for less money. It’s time to job hunt. You had a good big firm career and it’s totally ok to be ready for the next phase of your life.

      • burnout

        sigh, this is the other problem. Specialty practice area in small market that we’d like to stay in for the foreseeable future. I hear your point about alternate compensation; while it feels like an out right now, I’m worried I’d be trading one pressure for another.

    • Anonn

      I don’t know if this is a success story. Two years ago, I was incredibly burnt out and demoralized by low compensation as a mid-level associate and was also dealing with the remnants of untreated PPD. Fast forward to now, I’m still in the same job, but comp is now where it should be and I am overall satisfied where I am in my practice. The things that helped were: (1) applying to and interviewing for in-house positions. Even though I didn’t get the two I applied for, it forced me to update my resume (and proudly look at what I had accomplished as a lawyer) and “sell” myself to others, which essentially made me practice saying good things about myself to myself. (2) taking extended time off (in my case, another maternity leave in which, thankfully, I did not have PPD). If you don’t have any upcoming vacations of 7 days or more scheduled, get one scheduled stat. Sign up for linkedin job alerts in your city just to see what else is out there. What I found to be an anxiety/depression cycle during that time was feeling undervalued AND feeling like I had no other choices. It sounds like you’re there too. Even just looking at what the other options were, thinking about what I might want to do if I wasn’t doing this, and giving something else a try (i.e., an interview) helped me find other reasons why I liked where I was. I’d be lying to you if I said I wasn’t still exhausted and dreamed about spending some of my time elsewhere. But I feel more comfortably in “control” of the choice to stay. I agree with other commenters that alternate comp = less $ for the same work, so don’t do that. That will just be the nail in the coffin to your burnout.

  12. Trish

    Decorating question: I am looking to buy a good leather couch. Are the high end stores that much better than the cheaper furniture stores? Also, I have cats so if you have any experience with keeping them from scratching the leather, I would love to hear them. I am so excited to finally be in the position to decorate my home the way I want and not with mismatch furniture!

    • cat socks

      My cats sit on the couch so one of my concerns about getting leather would be their back claws scratching the surface when they jump on/off the couch. If that’s the case, you could put blankets on the places they sit.

      There is a product called Sofa Scratcher that you can set on the corner of the couch. Sticky Paws can be put on other surfaces. Other than that, keep their nails trimmed and offer a variety of other scratching surfaces. Mine love the flat cardboard scratchers and the the SmartCat Ultimate Scratch Post.

    • anon

      I’m curious what others say about this. I would say yes. DH and I bought a leather blend sofa from Ashley and the “leather” started peeling after 3 years. The cushions and construction seemed fine, but the material peeled. Now this was a blend and not 100% leather, but I didn’t want to take any chances so we bought from Crate and Barrel the second time around. It’s only been 2.5 years but it seems to be going strong. We don’t have pets though; not sure how that would affect it.

      • Sunshine

        The Ashley durablend is bonded leather, basically small bits of leather mashed together. It’s definitely not durable. I would avoid all bonded leather.

      • Anonymous for this

        I don’t have pets but my Ikea leather sleeper sofa from the early 2000s is still going strong. The couch sags in some places and the bed is horrible, but the leather is 100% fine. I’ve conditioned it once or twice over the years.

    • Anon

      I have a leather sofa and cats. I have not been able to keep them from scratching the leather. Their claws easily puncture it or scratch, even if they don’t mean to. A distressed leather look might work better? They have a scratching post, but sometimes enjoy using the sofa as a post also.

      I do put blankets down, but you know cats. They sit where they want. Sometimes they sit on the blanket, sometimes they don’t. I guess I could cover the whole couch, but then what’s the point of having a nice couch?

      • NYC Girl

        I found having multiple scratching posts (x2 in living room, x1 in each other room) significantly helped with rate of scratching on furniture. Also make sure to have posts tall enough if you have large/tall cats.

    • Murz

      Related tangent: any tips on how to recondition or restain a leather sofa? We have the West Elm Hamilton sofa which was distressed when we got it, but two years in and it’s looking pretty faded. My fiance always sits in one spot and that cushion is tinted blue from his jeans. There’s also lots of small darker spots–some were there when we got it, some were caused by us. It would be great to do this before the holidays since we are traveling and it would be a good time for the treatment to sit without human or pet interference.

      • anon a mouse

        You need to condition the leather. Pick up a bottle of Lexol conditioner (often available at a shoe repair place or furniture stores, or amazon). If you haven’t done anything to it in 2 years, you might use an entire 8-oz bottle on the sofa in one go. If you do it in the evening and let it soak in overnight, you should be able to sit on it the next night.

        Lexol also makes a leather cleaner that may help with the blue tint.

    • Rainbow Hair

      My experience is, unfortunately, that as long as I have cats, I don’t get to have nice soft furniture. I’m not saying everything has to be garbage, but I’ve accepted that in a few years, everything will be garbage. So we buy upholstered furniture with a texture in the fabric, to hide scratches, and/or we buy leather/fake leather/upholstered things used at garage sales.

    • Anon

      If you settle on leather, Costco actually has some amazing quality full top grain leather couches (not the “leather seats” and “pleather sides” as is common in even the high end stores) that you can often catch on sale below 2k

  13. Buggy

    I rent an older SFH in the Midwest from a private landlord (not a company). I have had pest problems ranging from mice, crickets, ants, spiders, moths. Pretty much you name it, it’s been here. I don’t have all of them at the same time, but as soon as one seems to leave, another variety shows up. Would you hire a pest service? Would you ask landlord to pay for it? To pay half? I don’t want to pay to close up all of the gaps or whatever in this house because it’s not mine, but I work from home and these pests are making me insane. (Moving is not an option until at least the Spring).

    • Torin

      What has the landlord done to control pests to date? Have you raised the issue?

      • Buggy

        Nothing. We have not raised it. This is the first year it seems to be pest after pest.

    • mascot

      What does your lease say about who is responsible for maintenance and pest control? I live in the south so regular preventative pest control is a must and is addressed by most leases. I’d also think that your landlord has an interest in not having pest infestations or damage so definitely bring them in on this

    • Anon

      I would probably hire a pest service to come (you can usually do either monthly or quarterly). I’m sure they will raise the issue of closing up holes/gaps, at which point I would then bring it to my landlord asking that he close those up.

    • Tabitha

      Get those electronic repellants -⎌we use them in our country house (lots of critters) and they’re effective on your whole list. For mice, you do have to find where they’re coming in and plug the hole – I would call a pest service or good handyman for that.

    • Minerva

      In my experience, issues such as these should be covered by the landlord – unless there is something the tenant is doing to attract pests (e.g., living garbage out, etc.)

  14. NYC Trip Wardrobe

    I am traveling to NYC in two weeks for a girls weekend. I am looking for advice on what to wear/how to pack. We have been before and done most of the touristy things, although we will be “Christmas tourists” in that we are going to see the Rockettes, the tree, etc. Other than that we are mostly doing some shopping, dinners, and seeing a couple of Broadway shows. What should I wear?

    I am concerned about both warmth and style. It does get cold where we live, though maybe not quite as cold as NY. Do I bring my heaviest coat? The coat I want to bring is the J.Crew city coat, but I fear it may be too light. For daytime shopping and such, I thought I’d wear leggings, tall boots, and shirt + sweater + coat– is this warm enough? We are doing a couple of fancy dinners– what should I wear to those? Thanks for any help and advice!

    • Anonymous

      I think that coat is way too light. I would definitely bring a waterproof parka for walking around because it will most likely snow. You could wear the city coat when you go out in the evenings and will be taking cabs/Uber etc.

    • Anonymous

      For a weekend I’d just wear one pair of jeans the whole time, and black leather booties. Sweaters for day, cute tops for night. Check the forecast for coat before you come, and wear good socks, hat, scarf, and gloves.

    • MJ

      NYC in winter means a windproof down coat. Wool will likely not be warm enough if you’re walking around. I would wear very warm bottoms too. Good footwear, esp tall boots will make you much more comfortable. Bring a very good scarf and good mittens. Hat and Hat+hood can be better. NYC can be pleasant or bitterly cold with biting wind.

    • NYC Girl

      Agree with suggestion for puffer coat, hat, scarf gloves. Most NYC women wear black or dark colored puffer/down coats come winter that are warm and also water resistant. I would also suggest nixing the leggings and sticking with dark or black jeans (NYers tend to be slightly more formal). Layers are also good (blouse or tee under sweater), as restaurants/museums tend to be very warm, so good to be able to take off layers when transitioning from outside to inside. Second the advice for warm boots – I would suggest leather chelsea style or knee-high boots with warm socks!

      Enjoy! NYC at Christmastime is magical :)

      • Anonymous for this

        Definitely hat, scarf also. Depending where you are in NYC note that slush/puddles will be just as big a problem as snow so make sure your boots are waterproof. Bring lots of socks for layers!

    • Anonymous

      As others have said, definitely a heavy coat, earmuffs/hat, and gloves/mittens. Are your leggings denim/fleece lined etc, if not you probably want warmer pants. Also good walking shoes, make sure your boots are wind/water resistant and ready to pound pavement. Not sure about fancy dinners, I’d just dress up slightly (can’t go wrong with black) and bring a sweater/pashmina for warmth.

      And here’s the heads up I really want to give you haha … NYC at Christmas is a dream, but it always seems so crowded then. Sometimes the streets around the tree are closed off and still packed wall-to-wall with people. My poor leather handbag got all scratched up trying to maneuver through there :(.

    • JB

      PLENTY of people wear down jackets and honestly if you are doing a lot of walking and window shopping outside I would ere on the side of warmth and waterproof shoes for the day. Monitor the forecast, if the weather is going to be in the 40s with sunshine, then wear the JCrew coat instead

  15. Anonymous

    My organization is involved in a black-tie optional event on Saturday. I am playing a fairly major role and I will be on stage for some of the evening. I am not a heel wearer, ever, so I am wearing patent leather flats with my cocktail dress. Do you think that’s ok or do I need to suck it up and get some heels to wear for at least part of the night? Help me, fancy people.

    • Anonymous

      Stick with the flats. You are not obligated to wear heels and they will be so uncomfortable if you never wear them.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I have been in your shoes (bad pun), and I also opted for fancier flats. You don’t want to start limping around as you greet potential donors and attendees. Have fun! Make sure to justifiably brag about the great work your organization no doubt does!

    • Vicky Austin

      I think you should wear the shoes you want to wear! A little bit of sparkle on your shoes might help if you are worried they won’t look dressy enough.

    • Anon

      If you don’t normally wear heels, I don’t think I would try it while on stage!

    • Anon

      I am not a heel wearer either, but I have just kind of come to terms with the fact that it looks super weird to wear a cocktail dress with total flats. I’ve been wearing these shoes that I got from BR for events this year that have been fantastic. Link is https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=266998022 but looks like they’re sold out. I have them in grey suede. They have a 1 inch heel, so they feel like flats to walk in, but they also look enough like a heel that I don’t feel frumpy. If you can, I would try to find something of a similar height.

      • OP

        I think you may be right. I really like the ones you linked to. I may run out on my lunch hour and see if I can find something. I also feel a bit stumpy in flats since my legs are so short!

      • NYCer

        I have some J. Crew sandals with a slightly higher heel than this that I also wear for a similar purpose.

    • Anon

      You’re fine in dressy flats. Better to walk the stage with poise than mince across in unfamiliar shoes.

    • anon

      When I wear flats to nice events, I feel less frumpy if my dress is a bit shorter, like a couple inches above the knee, rather than right at the knee. Sparkly flats are also fun!

      I hate that society has made us feel like flats are inappropriate and/or unprofessional.

  16. Best Pants for a Booty

    I haven’t tried Eloquii before. This post inspired me to research a fit issue. What brands accomodate junk in the trunk? I’m plus size, hourglass figure with a significant backside. I have to buy size 20 pants to accomodate my hips/butt and tailor the waist down. I often struggle to find pants that come up high enough to cover my backside. Any suggestions?

    • Never too many shoes...

      I feel like I make this recommendation all the time, but try the Eloquii Kady fit. I am a pretty standard hourglass and get the regular fit, but they make a pear and an apple fit too, so likely one of them will work. They are a substantial fabric, do not wrinkle and are often on sale.

    • Alana

      Not sure if it’s still an option, but Eloquii actually had a line of dresses for women with bottom halves 2 sizes larger than their top half! I hope you find something that works, because their clothes are gorgeous.

  17. Anon

    Any recommendations cabin rental no more than 3 hours from DC that has a fireplace? A hotel with an in-room fireplace would also be great, but I assume they don’t exist because of safety issues.

  18. Belle Boyd

    I posted this early this morning, but just realized it was on yesterday’s post so the person who wanted to see it may have missed it.

    Paging Anonymous from yesterday who wanted my crock pot dressing recipe — here it is!

    Belle’s Gramma Louise’s Amazing Crock Pot Dressing
    12 cups toasted bread cubes (approx. 12 slices) — I use regular run-of-the-mill white bread
    1 stick butter
    1 cup chopped onion (I use yellow onions)
    1 cup chopped celery
    1-1/2 to 2 tsp poultry seasoning
    1 tsp parsley
    1/2 tsp salt
    1/2 tsp pepper
    2 eggs well-beaten
    1 can chicken broth

    Toast bread cubes at 300 degrees for about 15 minutes or until crisp (this is in addition to letting them dry for a day).

    In a large skillet (I use a large electric skillet — it works best for this recipe), melt butter and add onion and celery. Saute until tender. Add poultry seasoning, parsley, salt, and pepper. Combine eggs and broth and add to skillet. Add bread cubes and toss until well combined and bread is well-moistened. Spoon into crock pot. Set on high for one hour and then reduce to low and cook for 1-2 hours.

    I double this recipe — Easiest way to do this is to make one batch at a time. If you don’t have an electric skillet, it would probably be easier to make this in a large dutch oven on the stovetop so you can get all the bread cubes mixed in at once. This makes a very moist and flavorful dressing and being that it’s made in a crock pot, it frees up valuable oven space — which we all know is prime real estate when it comes to holiday cooking!

  19. Anonymous

    What are your preferences for male vs. female doctors? Not just for obgyn but also internal medicine/general practice? Over the years when I was a late teen/early 20s, I switched to female GPs and the 2 I used were extremely thorough, kind, great bedside manner. Somehow from there it spiraled to, I ONLY see females — and then never found any who were AS GREAT as the first two. Had to see a male the other day and was like — wow, this guy has a good bedside manner/is kind in a whole different way. And now I’m like — what was I thinking of course there are great male MDs out there. Do you have strong preferences either way?

      • anonnnnnn

        +1 I have seen good and bad doctors, male and female. If I don’t like whoever it is, I switch. No gender preference.

    • Anonymous

      I would never see a male OBGYN unless there were no competent female options. I slightly prefer women for other specialties/primary care as well, but don’t feel strongly about it.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I will only go to female OBGYNs and have a preference for female primary care docs and female dermatologist IF they’re doing a skin check (basically if it’s a doc more likely to see me half or totally naked, I feel more comfortable with a female). Don’t really have a preference on other specialties.

    • Anonymous

      I prefer a female OBGYN and have no preference on other types of doctors. I want someone who is well-qualified and listens to my concerns.
      My regular OBGYN was out one day when I had an exam scheduled and it was such a hassle for me to arrange my work/child care/etc. schedule to fit the appointment in that I just decided to go ahead and have the exam with the only available doctor who was a man. A nurse stayed in the room and the doctor was completely professional but I still prefer a woman.

    • Anonymous for this

      There are definitely bad female doctors but I still prefer, in general, female doctors — there’s too much in the news about how male doctors don’t take women’s health claims and complaints seriously, plus I’m more inclined to tell a female doctor the whole picture whereas for a man I tend to stick to the specific health issue at hand.

    • Female only please

      Female MDs preferred. It’s a mix of my comfort level with them as well as realizing that our bodies are different. I’ve read numerous research-based articles and comments on here about how Male doctors were just not giving attention to Migraine headaches because it’s more common in women etc etc.

    • Anom

      I prefer female doctors in part because I prefer to support other female professionals. A feminist statement, if you will, of putting my money where my mouth is… I also tend to prefer female doctors because as a group I find male doctors to be more likely to be patronizing/condescending than the female doctors. This is not a rule and I’ve run into plenty of exceptions. But I’m a 40 year old attorney with a PhD in biology, so while I may not be a doctor, I am a highly educated consumer of medicine and I want to be treated as such.

  20. anon

    I’m searching for lightweight, work-appropriate sweaters in bright and jewel-toned colors. Bonus points if it actually accommodates a longer torso/arms. Has anyone found good ones lately? Trying to look beyond J. Crew, which doesn’t fit me well at all.

    (Nothing against the Everlane approach of neutrals, but it is so gloomy in the winter that I need some color in my life.)

      • Jules

        +1. I love my Uniqlo merino sweaters – but I have short-ish arms and torso, and the Uniqlo sleeves always are way too long for me, so they should be great for you.

      • Amy H.

        I have a long torso and long arms and all of Uniqlo’s sweaters
        and jersey tops are too short for me, and the sleeves are especially too short. It’s frustrating, because (thankfully!) their puffer jackets are long enough and have long enough sleeves.

  21. Anonymous

    Thanks to all those that advised and encouraged me to get out there and apply for other jobs since the company I’m working for may be filing for bankruptcy soon. It was the kick in the pants I needed. It’s been only a week and I just had a first interview with a fortune 500 company with a second interview scheduled for tomorrow morning with the person I would be directly reporting to in the new job. Please send good vibes for a positive second interview.

  23. GabriellaTaupeShoes

    I agree that a plain old black sweater, sleeveless shell and jeans (which used to be my go-to in a more casual corporate environment) can be depressing sometimes. I really like White House Black Market for flattering shells. I also try not to get stuck in a rut of wearing the same thing every day at the office (home life is a different story though as I pretty much wear a black turtleneck every day). I always want to wear dresses but feel like I can’t act like myself in them. P.S. this dress is so gorgeous. Would be nice with a pair of pearl earrings for an important meeting.

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