Coffee Break: Maisie Ankle Strap Heels
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As we all know, I'm a fan of strappy heels — so I was intrigued to see these heels on J.Crew's bestseller list. I like the retro vibe to them, and think they look really comfortable.
They're currently marked down a bit; they were $198-$248 but are now $129-$199. The pictured color, “Rich Cognac,” is $129, and available in sizes 5-12.
In addition to black suede, there are some fun orangeish patent ones with a beige trim detail, as well as a light beige patent with a black trim detail.
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Sales of note for 2/14/25 (Happy Valentine's Day!):
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase — and extra 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + 15% off (readers love their suiting as well as their silky shirts like this one)
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 300+ styles $25 and up
- J.Crew – 40% of your purchase – prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site and storewide + extra 50% off clearance
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Flash sale ending soon – markdowns starting from $15, extra 70% off all other markdowns (final sale)
Help me shop! Now that I’m back in the office, I need a Spring jacket that can be worn with business casual outfits. Something light weight, light color, and hip or thigh length. Straight size. I prefer machine or hand washable but dry cleaning is not a deal breaker. Specific links appreciated!
I recently went to Nordstrom Rack and got a blue and white tartan/check one that I was trying to find…but I think I prefer this one:
https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/calvin-klein-double-breasted-tweed-blazer/7242011?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=122
That is beautiful. Too bad they only have straight size left.
I mean size zero
Do you mean like an outside jacket or a blazer? If outside, I love my J Crew downtown field jacket
Our ‘spring’ weather is highly variable so I have a wardrobe of jackets. For chilly but not rainy weather I tend to default to a trench for the office – boring but classic and I wear mine to death. For light rain/mist I tend to wear my Barbour Beadnell either with or without the vest depending on the weather. Utility jackets and Quilted jackets are also quite classic – Barbour is having a big sale right now.
If you want something more fun check out Boden for prints/bright colors.
I have been eyeing a light-colored suede moto jacket for spring! I think you could steer this business casual if there were not too many hardware details.
I would just go with a J.Crew Eloise or whatever in a light color, that’s my lightweight fall jacket.
Tips on how to graciously and professionally react when receiving a less than stellar performance review? My review is tomorrow and I have a feeling it’s not going to be great. I joined the company last year (about 8 months ago) and just have not been able to find a groove. I have been routinely missing emails/details and taking too long on projects. I’ve had a huge depression flare up the last few months, but aside from that, I know the role and company aren’t a great fit for me and I’m looking externally. However, I don’t want to just blow off the review because I know I’m leaving…I want to remain in the good graces of my boss. I’ve never had a bad performance review…do I respond in any way? Say thank you for the feedback and that I plan to adjust? Something else?
I was in your shoes a few years ago. They hired me and it was almost immediately obvious that they needed someone more technical for the role. I had some personal stuff going on and simply wasn’t willing or able to get up to speed technically. I was absolutely dreading my performance review. My supervisor was incredibly gracious in his review though: said I was excellent customer-facing but could improve technically. He said my team loved me because I was forthcoming and collaborative. It was a classic compliment sandwich. So maybe it won’t be that bad? On the other hand it sounds like you’re very prepared. Just be gracious and if you ask where you can improve (fwiw I think you still should), be sure to make notes or have concrete examples of how you’re improving/working toward those goals for your next check in. And just because it’s a bad fit doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to improve and keep checking in with your supervisor. But I know you know that already. Good luck! I bet it won’t be that bad. And happy job hunting.
If they say you are not good at details for example, ask for a specific example and what you should have done differently.
The caveat for this is to take a pause and a breath so you don’t sound defensive. Maybe have some kind of a phrase that acknowledges that feedback and how you want to improve so you’d like the info Anon suggests above.
Could someone please explain why it is bad form to defend yourself when someone attacks you? I know it is bad form, but I can’t understand why. When nation A attacks nation B, everyone expects nation B to defend itself. If you were walking down the street and someone attacked you, we would expect you to defend yourself (unless it were safer to run away or into a store or something). So why is “being defensive” such a bad thing? This is a serious question.
Receiving feedback at work is not being attacked.
That is a ridiculous comment and a sure way to get fired.
It is literally the job of a manager to give constructive feedback to his or her direct reports. The purpose of this feedback is to improve job performance. The best (and I would argue only acceptable) response to feedback is to say thank you and then go back and think about how you can use/implement the feedback to the greatest advantage.
you must be fun to work with if you think a performance review is an attack.
Because in this context, the feedback is being given by a manager, ostensibly for the purpose of improving the report’s job performance. A defensive response is a rejection and dismissal of the manager’s comment, which is not appropriate and certainly will not be well-received.
Agree with others than a performance review is not an “attack,” but I have received reviews that had factual inaccuracies or mischaracterizations, and I strongly pushed back. I didn’t care whether or not it made me look defensive, I wasn’t about to accept an unfair review.
Operating under the assumption that your boss is a normal person and not a micromanager: nothing in a performance review should be a surprise, so you know what is coming. The review is intended to make you a better employee.
Acknowledge the problems, ask for advice for systems that have worked for them. One issue with depressive episodes is that once you crawl out of it, you’re overwhelmed with work that is backed up from those months. If that is still the case, maybe discuss ways to get you caught up. Are three projects that are beneficial in the long term but can be put off? Are there ways to save time on these projects that take too long? Is this normal for someone at your level?
I would not only ask for advice on how to improve your weak area, I would proactively come up with strategies and discuss them during the evaluation.
Appreciate the feedback is a good idea. Maybe also signal that you can see your bosses point and acknowledge that you dropped some things. Not to the point of putting yourself down, but just showing that you aren’t delusional about your performance. If you have one or two ideas about improving, that’s a good finish, or just say you will think about it.
I highly recommend the book Thanks For the Feedback to help you think about receiving feedback (also great for those who give feedback). In general, I think acknowledging any mistakes and suggesting ways you will fix them (rather than explaining) is a good path and helps you think through the issues. But recognize also you haven’t been there that long!
Don’t fret. Just take the review, and if it isn’t as good as you would like, tell the boss that if you change your mind and stay, you will do better, but you believe he is discriminating against you based on your s-x (Female) and as applicable, Race, if you are not White. Or, you can tell him you are leaving and for him NOT to do a review of you because you have only been there 8 months. That way, you are both better off and you can leave with a good feeling about him.
I tried the leggings-as-sleep-curlers trend last night! One side fell out but the other looks great today. Comfortableish to sleep in, too.
Have you tried any of the other crazy things on social media?
(Oreos with mustard: not great. Surprisingly not horrible, but not delicious.)
I tried the tea bag to fix a broken/split nail hack and it has worked wonderfully. I first saw it on Instagram, but apparently it’s been around for a bit longer.
Oh man, that is not new. I used to do this back in the 90s – tea bag and super glue.
Just a bit longer, lol, Girls in my high school in the early 90s were doing it, and they learned it from their mothers who were doing it in the 70s.
I wouldn’t doubt that it’s a trick as old as superglue.
Oh man, I learned about that tip in my mom’s old Adrienne Arpel makeover book from the 70’s.
What a waste of good mustard!
Not from social media, but inspired by Sue Grafton’s mysteries: peanut butter and pickle sandwiches (the main character eats them constantly; your Oreos with mustard thing reminded me). I like them with toasted whole wheat bread, crunchy peanut butter, sliced dill pickles, and sriracha.
I’m looking to pick up a fun colored bag for spring/summer – I wear a LOT of navy/pinks/green and tend to have nude for me/metallic shoes. With that in mind I’m thinking a bright pink or a bright yellow bag might be a fun pop of color. Thoughts? Any other colors to consider? I already have navy/tan/black bags so my boring neutrals are covered.
I think pink and yellow sound good, but I’d add green and turquoise shades to the list. My most worn pop of color bag pre-pandemic was orange. I treated it like a tan neutral and it always worked.
Regarding turquoise, my husband never notices my bags, but I had a turquoise bag that he always noticed and said it reminded him of the upholstery in 1950s era classic cars, which he is very into. It also seemed to go with everything.
I’m currently carrying an orangey red bag (Longchamps small Penelope bag – not the nylon Le Pliage) that I scored on the Real Real for a bargain. It goes with alllmost everything, but sometimes I switch it out when it seems too dressed up for what I’m wearing, and I have a Portland Leather mini tote crossbody in dark tan for that.
Sorry for the long-form link, but here’s the color turquoise bag I’m talking about. Not necessarily recommending this particular bag
https://www.amazon.com/Calvin-Klein-Novelty-Satchelr-Turquoise/dp/B09PZJMPJ2/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=Turquoise%2BPurses%2Band%2BHandbags&qid=1675197770&sr=8-5&th=1
I have a yellow bag and it goes with everything! It is surprisingly versatile.
Pink or lilac!
what’s your budget? (also, size?) this one has been following me on social media
https://www.parkerhyde.com/totes/hot-pink-hyde-stripe-tote
my only comment with yellow is that they’re super fun but get dirty easily, so I might go with a coated canvas or something washable. like this maybe
https://www.toryburch.com/en-us/handbags/tote-bags/ever-ready-zip-tote/145634.html?color=800&gclid=CjwKCAiAleOeBhBdEiwAfgmXfydQ6VR2OnoTrjbEYxSA44InvWuOZB7mraF3Qi6TsTr1DeC0B-AHpxoCrrYQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
I have a madras tote (vintage LL Bean) in my colors that I really enjoy for this purpose! It’s blues, greens, and yellows.
Any lawyers with a CIPP-US certification that can speak to (a) whether it is useful; and (b) whether you’d be able to study for an pass the certification test independently?
I’m a mid-career attorney in the financial industry, with significant regulatory and investigations experience. I’m looking to make a move to an in-house role, and data privacy is relevant for a lot of the opportunities that I’m seeing. I’ve done a limited amount of data privacy work and found the work I’ve done interesting, but it comes up infrequently in my current role so I don’t have sufficient experience to cite in resumes/cover letters. I’m unlikely to get further experience with it in my current organization.
I am a very good test taker and I could rearrange my personal schedule to make time to study. However, the costs of the IAPP course is significant, so I’m considering whether I could prep for the exam independently – anyone have any thoughts? (My current job does have some reimbursement available, but (a) I would have to re-pay if I leave within 2 years, and I’d like to leave sooner than that; and (b) my manager needs to approve that any course is relevant to my role, and this would be, at best, tangential.)
As is probably clear, I’m still in a brainstorming phase, so open to other suggestions. I’m also reaching out to my network and (subtly) letting people know that I am open to a new opportunity.
I got it, I self studied, I don’t find it a particularly useful exam/process/certificate in and of itself, but it certainly seems to be consistently featured as a nice to have on the job board postings I see. It was very heavy on “memorize & repeat”, which made me feel like I was back in a bad high school exam setting. I would buy a book and a practice exam (they have sets you can get) and see how you do before you buy the course. I read the book, make a LOT of flash cards, and memorized it over the course of about 6 weeks. It doesn’t require a lot of critical thinking or application. The IAPP does have a lot of interesting events though.
(To be clearer, while I think the certification is kinda useless from a learning perspective, it was very helpful for me in obtaining my current job and I think helps show potential employers that objectively you do have the knowledge / skills required, especially without work examples . I find a lot of the cyber security / privacy / regulatory world is pretty reliant on certifications in part because it’s an easy way to say “yes the person knows the subject area” when the hiring folks don’t know the specific area well.)
Hiring GC here and I think it’s a waste of your time. I’m looking for actual experience not a credential. If you’re interested in going in-house, focus on companies and places where you do have experience.
Biglaw privacy partner here. We like for our associates to get the certification (and I have most of the CIPP ones myself) as it’s a nice marketing badge. The certification is surprisingly well regarded in the industry, given that I thought the actual materials and exam were a bit of a joke. I took the exam over a decade ago though, so hopefully it has improved. If I’m hiring someone for a privacy position and they don’t have the CIPP/US at least, then I wonder why.
I was all about heels shaped like this in the late 90s when I was a pioneer in online dating and going on tons of dates. I met my husband then.
Very nostalgic! Too bad I can’t wear a heel at all anymore.
Yeah, when I saw “retro vibe” my thought was retro as in the 90s! But in a fun way. I love these but I also can’t tolerate heels.
Random recommendation. I just bought this Merrit Cardigan Jacket at nordstrom (seems like it’s a better deal at Nordstrom than on the MM La Fleur site?). It arrived today, shipped directly from MM, and I really like it. I’m tall and it’s long, the sleeves are particularly long but the way they’re shaped makes it seem like the cuffs are meant to be flipped back, and it’s a nice, substantial weight. I have three conference speaking gigs coming up, and I’m sure I’ll wear it for at least one of them.
The thing I like about it being a knitted texture is that it doesn’t have to exactly match my pants to look OK.
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/the-merritt-cardigan-jacket/6989214?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBrands%2FM.M.LaFleur&color=412
How does it look without the belt? I love the collar but I worry the belt part will make it look like a bathrobe on me.
I worried about that too. When I tried it on this morning I thought it looked fine without the belt but better with. How I “styled” it with the belt was slightly open in the middle and with the belt tied off slightly to the side. It gives a nice vertical line that way and doesn’t look too wrapped up (bathrobe)
The same jacket sells for $265 at Nordstrom and $325 on the mm lafleur direct website, so yes, it is a better deal at Nordstrom.
Ever feel like mens’ courtesy towards women in day to day interactions is different from what it used to be especially white men in white collar type jobs? Air in my tires has been low and with an upcoming road trip, I decided to take care of it. Specifically went mid day on a cold rainy type of day because I figured it isn’t the type of day there would be a line of people taking care of this type of thing. Live in Arlington Va where there are often too many people waiting for things esp on weekends as it’s a congested area.
So I’m taking care of it and realize some guy has gotten out of his car at the station, arms crossed, looking at me. When he notices me noticing him, he says oh just leave the hose there I need it next. Then proceeds to glare at me for taking too long and apparently goes inside to the mechanics shop to tell on me?? Now normally I would’ve just stopped and left and come back a half hour later or on another day. But given that I was half way through and this was a typical dorky North Arlington dad who I imagine was a lawyer or accountant or something I was like uh no I’m finishing, he should’ve gotten here first if he didn’t want to wait. Mechanic comes wandering out and is like uh do you have a gauge, do you even know how much air you need. Um yes? It was just taking a while because two of the tires were very low and all 100 lbs of me with a heart condition takes a longer time to drag the hose around the car, bend down into the right position, push the thing into the valve forcefully to make the air flow.
Maybe I’m from a different era raised in the 90s or maybe it’s location as I grew up in NJ but I’m like uh in NJ any number of guys would have offered to help?? Selfishly of course – the customer wanting you to hurry up or the mechanic knowing he’d make a ten dollar tip for something that requires him no effort. I’m not suggesting that men have to help women but what is this behavior of then being rude because they are inconveniencing you? I’m positive Arlington dad could’ve sat inside his car and stayed dry and busied himself with his phone or radio for the entire 10 min he had to wait – rather than arms crossed standing out in the rain glaring?? This seems like a generational shift or maybe an I’m rich and important DC thing – though how rich or important are you if your private driver isn’t taking care of these things for you??
What?? I can’t even follow this story.
What is so hard to follow? Dorky white dude standing there trying to intimate a woman. OP I live in Arlington, it’s full of dorks like this and yeah they do this to women because those are the only people in their lives they can intimidate. If it was a large young man with DC plates using that pump, he would’ve stayed in his car and kept to himself.
I feel like this has been happening over the years. I notice it every time I see a small woman struggle to put her carryon in the overhead in the plane. Not only do the men near her not offer, but they also then glare when she takes an extra second. And honestly yes I do notice it more in DC and more with white collar business traveler types who are just too important. I’ve seen plenty of black and brown men still offer to help a woman or an elderly person with something like a suitcase or reaching something off the top shelf at Target.
Ha I’ve noticed the opposite. A man will grab my suitcase without asking and no thank you I don’t want a stranger on an airplane getting his germs all over my handle. It’s polite for someone to offer but rude to grab someone else’s belongings without asking.
One time I removed my own carry-on from the overhead bin and a man commented “WOW look at you!” like it’s shocking that I can lift 25 pounds.
That kind of glaring guy is also the kind that gave me the most sh*t on planes when my kids were tiny. It’s like, buddy, I know you’re a very important assistant manager at Initech Software and your own kids won’t speak to you anymore, but I swear I am not pinching my toddler to get him to scream louder.
I moved from the Carolinas to Arlington and I have noticed this too. There was a lot of chivalry at home (albeit, mixed with sexism and misogyny in other ways) and here, men practically knock me over to be first at something. This could be a hugely fascinating discussion, but I just wanted to point out that you’re not imagining things.
Not sure I track how you’re getting from one rude guy to gendered and generational assumptions about courtesy? I guess I don’t tend to interpret other people’s reactions/rudeness having anything to do with me – maybe assuming others are thinking more about themselves than about you would help.
or maybe the guy was impatient, didn’t want to accuse you directly of being incompetent or overstep or offend by offering to help himself, went inside and says “there’s a woman at the air pump who looks like she needs some help” and it just devolved from there? idk that this encounter warrants a 3 paragraph screed regarding male behavior.
I think it’s weird that he stood in the rain and glared at you when you were struggling, but at least he got someone to help I guess.
If you live in the DC area but outside the city, this is a very specific type of white man here. They won’t help but they are quick to run and tell on you and generally complain all the damn time about everything. IDK who raised these people quite honestly.
What do you call a male Karen? Kevin?
Tradwick, obviously.
Uh it sounds like you met an assh0le. I don’t know that you can paint a sweeping picture of courtesy from this interaction.
I took it as an example of a pattern of behavior she has seen from this demographic (white men in fleece vests).
Why would expect a guy to help? Would you have the same expectation of a younger woman?
Doesn’t seem like she wanted or asked for help, but seems like she preferred he not stand out in the rain glaring at her. Presumably a younger woman wouldn’t have helped but also wouldn’t have stood outside and stared.
+1 This whole anecdote is very weird.
I think it’s more that if a guy is going to be sexist and condescending about a woman doing a man’s job, the LEAST he could do is make himself helpful? As opposed to somehow trying to censure her for it? Maybe I misread the story though.
I think it’s location more than generation. Grew up in NY and as rude as people are generally in that area, they do help each other. Like you say sometimes it’s selfish to make things go faster, but they do help. Lived in Richmond for many years which is definitely the start of the south, and yep men help. DC suburbs is a different type of man, though to be honest the large populations of African American and Arab American men there act like men everywhere else – so it’s a whiny white man thing.
Being in LA, I feel like white-collar white guys can be extremely variable in their reactions in public, everything from super angry to being super nice. People outside that demographic, far less variable. It makes me nervous because it’s hard to gauge how they are gong to respond if I say something like, “excuse me, I was next.” That can (and has) gone sideways on me and while I’m a sturdy middle-aged mom, pretty much any man could break a bone in my face without much trouble. I don’t feel this way when I visit my relatives in the South or the East Coast.
Arlington dad is a jerk for glaring at you. I would guess he is an equal opportunities glarer, and would have been rude to anybody making him wait as long as they didn’t intimidate him, no matter what age or gender.
He is not, however, a jerk for not helping you.
How very “back in my day” of you. I was a teen in the 90s and these guys existed then, too. I have a memory of my mother struggling with groceries and kids in probably 85 or 86 and some guy just watching and laughing. Guys like this have existed in every place and in every generation.
I have to ask, though, if you were ‘taking care of it’ like you say, how did you even know he stood there glaring and went inside to complain? That goes a bit beyond paying attention to your surroundings, and how do you know he ‘told on you’ when he went inside?
It sounds like you’re taking this way too personally for some reason.
I definitely found this attitude in the NoVA area and to this day, I am SO SO glad I returned home to my large Midwestern city 8 years ago in March. I can’t say I was ever that happy to leave anywhere else.
But also in general, yes, I do believe manners and courtesy are a lost art, from the rules of driving to the small points of etiquette that were hammered into me by my parents and grandparents. (Of course, there are other old customs that we needed to lose; I’m not crying doom.)
Wherever you stand politically, please help Florida. They are creating laws to harm LGBT+ children, preventing books based on people’s identities, going after teachers who speak about being Black or gay, chasing away college professors who are not following the governor’s beliefs, and creating a state of hate where screaming at librarians and educators is supported, filing child protection cases against parents of tr@ns kids via CPS, and stirring people up in the name of the governor and political gain.
If you believe in free speech, if you believe in education, if you believe in not making people political pawns, if you believe in kindness, you cannot be standing for this. Please speak up and help, if this continues to grow in FL, so many other states will be next.
I’m hearing that teachers in TX, VA, and thereabouts are also getting screamed at. That part has definitely gone national already.
He is now ruining higher education too by firing professors and making kids transfer if they don’t like his indoctrination https://www.yahoo.com/news/desantis-wants-big-higher-education-163349577.html
Sadly, there were some people on the thread this morning who seem to think is about left vs. right. I’ve lived in Florida since 1977 and have never seen another Republican governor go out of his way to hurt people like this. DeSantis is smarter than Trump and has a very vindictive streak. Reasonable people can disgree about how to handle immigration but his man put vulnerable humans on a plane and shipped them to Martha’s vineyard as a cruel prank with our tax dollars. He has also removed duly elected officials from public office because he does not like them.
WWYD, destination wedding edition. DH’s cousin and fiance have planned a wedding in Cancun during the week of Thanksgiving. It would cost $6K for our family of four to attend. For four days. The price goes up exponentially if we stay longer. This is an all-or-nothing deal: we all go, or none of us go. DH and I can’t go alone (nobody to watch our kids), and I would not be happy about staying home alone with the kids on Thanksgiving, for a number of reasons. We can technically afford it but it’s not an insignificant amount of money, considering that we are planning to do a more extravagant family vacation than normal. We’ve already postponed THAT vacation twice due to the pandemic; we’re not willing to do that again. DH is on the fence and I know he’s weighing the price of going with the fallout of not attending. The cousin is someone we spend a few holidays a year with.
Stay, or go? I realize that an invitation is not a summons, but I don’t apologize for thinking that destination weddings can put family members in a tough spot. Especially those who are close to the couple but can’t afford to go. (I’m thinking of a few of DH & cousins aunts and uncles, in particular.) Bring out the pitchforks …
I don’t think anyone’s going to bring out the pitchforks. Sounds like you’re not super close to the cousin, and it’s fine to not go. Having a destination wedding means you know some people won’t be able to attend for budget reasons.
I would send my regrets and a nice gift and not give it a second thought. People who have destination weddings, ESPECIALLY on Thanksgiving, should understand that not everybody is going to be able to attend.
“So sorry, Cousin, but we have Extravagant Vacation already booked and we’re just not able to do both this year! We’ll be toasting you at our Thanksgiving dinner for sure!!”
Go if you want, don’t go if you don’t want to. The cousin knew the risks of nonattendance when making it a destination wedding. Only you can judge whether it is worth it to you both as a trip and as to the importance to you/the cousin/family of you all being there.
Fallout of not attending? Anyone who does a destination wedding should expect a lot of people to not attend.
Look, I have all the sympathy in the world for couples in the situation of: she grew up in Phoenix, college in Texas, MBA in Chicago; he grew up in Boston, school there, MBA in Chicago, and now they both live in Denver. No matter where you hold that event, a lot of people are traveling.
But Cancun, just for fun? Nope. Sorry.
Yup. And honestly, even in the former situation you need to realize some people aren’t going to make it. Anything that requires your guests to spend thousands between airfare and hotels is a big ask, even if you’re doing it for good reason (that was our situation).
My situation too! Us, 2 bridesmaids, 2 groomsmen, siblings, parents = 7 states, none of which were even close to each other.
No hard feelings for anyone who could not attend.
And on Thanksgiving? The nopes just keep racking up.
It’s an invitation, not a summons. I don’t know why the default is always to assume the couple is going to be pissed.
I think because in a lot of families they do get pissed. My dad and his sister are estranged now and while there were other issues, the direct cause of the estrangement was my dad not going to my cousin’s wedding.
Because this actually does happen! They say they understand, but meanwhile, they’re tallying up the cost of every other trip you’ve been on, what they think your schedule looks like, and jump to conclusions that you don’t care enough about them to make it work.
Anyone who would “break up” with you over something like this has other issues.
Agreed, I don’t hold it against a couple that have lived in multiple cities. But an international destination wedding over a major holiday? It sounds like they wanted a small wedding and intentionally made attending difficult so that more people would decline. Don’t feel guilty about RSVPing no to this one.
This is what a good friend did and yes, it was their express purpose in doing it.
This. I think part of the reason people choose a destination wedding is to cut down on the number of guests.
It sounds like you kind of want to go, since you say you won’t be happy staying at home on Thanksgiving with the kids? Or maybe I misread that
She’s saying she doesn’t want her DH to go and leave her alone with the kids at home on Thanksgiving. I get that – even if she has no interest in the wedding, it sucks to be apart from your spouse on Thanksgiving. I wouldn’t want that either.
Correct. I want to be with my immediate family on Thanksgiving.
I thought the whole point of a destination wedding was to discourage people from attending? No way would I spend that kind of money on that trip.
I love travel and spend more money on it than most people and I really like Cancun and going to weddings… and I still probably wouldn’t go. I don’t like traveling the week of Thanksgiving, especially internationally; I want to be home with my family eating turkey. And $6k is a lot for a long weekend trip, even for four people.
If they’re reasonable people, they’ll understand. There’s some risk they’ll be mad and “punish you” but not showing up for your kids’ future life events (this happened in my family), but if they’re that petty they probably weren’t worth having a super close relationship with anyway.
I would absolutely not go. I could spend $6,000 on so many things that matter to me, or even donate it, and the idea of wasting it on a 4-day trip out of a sense of obligation would be miserable to me.
Send a gift and your regards, and say you unfortunately can’t afford it this year. A destination wedding takes into account that many people won’t be able to come (in fact, a lot of people choose destination weddings for this very reason).
My parents had a destination wedding and my dad’s only brother wasn’t there! I think it’s very expected that many people won’t go to a destination wedding. I wouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt for saying no if I were you.
Yeah, don’t go. We had a “destination” wedding (my hometown where my extended family still lives compared to our town where everyone else in our lives live) and did so fully aware it could limit peoples attendance. Honestly, more people came than I expected. I think this is an easy no.
YMMV but I’d go. This isn’t some long lost cousin you see once a decade at someone else’s wedding, you spend a few holidays per year with them. And you say you can afford it – even without postponing your extravagant family trip. I’d go because as I get older I’ve come to realize these opportunities with extended family get fewer and far between. So you save a bit less this year. Assuming you aren’t having job troubles were you think you’d be laid off next year, what’s the big deal – you’ll make up by saving more next year.
If it were a sibling, I’d agree you really should go. But a cousin, even one you see a couple times a year at holidays, just isn’t the same kind of relationship. My husband has lots of cousins, some of whom didn’t come to our destination-ish (in the US but air travel required for almost everyone) wedding. We weren’t offended, we knew it was expensive for them to travel. And they didn’t even have young kids like OP does. And the wedding wasn’t on Thanksgiving.
+1 – I’d also go for all these reasons. In my view the point of life is spending it with people who matter and showing up. Yeah, it’s kinda expensive (not that bad for a family of four tho), but it sounds like a good time too. I love a vacation that includes a party and people I love.
Personally, I would also go for these reasons.
But anyone who plans a destination wedding knows there is a risk people won’t come, so I’m guessing they won’t be upset if you decline.
Send your regrets and don’t worry about it. When you throw a destination wedding, you give up the expectation that the cousin you see a few times per year will bring his whole family to your wedding. And when you have a wedding on Thanksgiving, you give up the expectation that your cousin who doesn’t want to bring his whole family will just attend alone. I’d also tell a white lie and say something about some portion of your extravagant family vacation being nonrefundable.
That said, depending on the length of the flight, 4 days in a Cancun resort sounds lovely, and $1200 per person is pretty reasonable :-) And I’ve been dreaming of doing something different for Thanksgiving for years. Maybe I’ll go to this wedding.
$6k for a family of four is $1500 per person, and I think that’s a lot for four days (which I’m guessing means only three nights?) in Cancun! We went last year and the flights were around $500 per person, and our pretty swanky all-inclusive was around $400/night, which works out to about $3k for four people. November is low season in Cancun so you should be able to get some pretty sweet deals on hotels if you’re flexible, but I’m guessing they don’t have any flexibility on hotel because of the wedding and airfare may be high because it’s Thanksgiving week. I’ve taken a family of four to Europe for a week for not much more than $6k, and we don’t cheap out on hotels, so to spend that on a long weekend in Mexico feels like a giant waste of money to me.
I wouldn’t go. $6K for 4 days is a ton, you’re not super close to the couple, send a nice gift and don’t feel guilty.
I don’t think anyone is going to freak out over not taking the whole family to a destination wedding.
I live across the country from some of my cousins. While I would have loved to see them, I wasn’t offended that I had cousins who couldn’t make it to my wedding. The only thing I was annoyed about was that they didn’t bother to respond to their invitation.
I think you should be fine as long as you reply promptly. Bonus if you send a lovely note or small gift, but those are optional.
I wouldn’t go and I also wouldn’t waste time judging cousin about it. There’s nothing wrong with a destination wedding and if it doesn’t work for you, you RSVP no and send a nice gift.
We skipped lots of weddings when our kids were little. We just couldn’t make the logistics work. No one ever held it against us. We still have family and it’s never been brought up again.
Blame the kids. That’s what they’re there for.
Like Senior Attorney, I’d give a nice gift and not attend the wedding.
Last year I went to the destination wedding of a dear friend and her wonderful new spouse and even though I 100% wanted to go, it was still a bunch of money and effort and time. Any relative who crabs about it (and I know my mom would in a similar scenario) can be asked if they’d like to pay your way.
Stay home. The cost and time of year, along with the fact that you have kids, are enough reasons to forego the wedding, not to mention the fact that you’re on the fence and already have plans for a vacation. If they have a problem with it that’s on them, not you. They are the ones who chose a destination wedding.
Hubby has family in another country who didn’t travel here for our wedding, for a host of different reasons, that’s what happens when travel is involved.
I’m one of the posters in an LDR and my partner is moving in soon!! We’re super excited.
We have already figured out the financial aspect of living together.
That said, it has been over 10 years since I lived with anyone (my former partner). And that didn’t end up working out too well.
Please share your merging tips!
Clean out space now for them! Make sure they have a sock drawer, bookshelf space, space for a favorite chair, etc.
Well, I was just in an LDR for a year and then I sold most of my belongings and moved across the country to be with him. When you’re in an LDR, every meeting is a honeymoon. When you move in together, reality sets in. He was surprised at how many hours I put in as an attorney. He’d say, “I miss my girlfriend.” I felt like a visiting tourist in his home. We just broke up realizing we love each other but can’t live together. Advice? Don’t sell your home that you leave – rent it. And then try and get a new place together so that you’re not feeling like a guest the whole time.
Make sure you can get some time apart. When you’re used to having your own space, togetherness 24/7 can feel like a lot.
Start as you plan to continue. It seems fun (to some people) to cook for your partner, clean for your partner, do his laundry, etc. but think about whether you’d be resentful about it if it became the base expectation. I’d have the division of labor talk now.
Have fun! I’m nostalgic for the first year I lived with my now-husband. We bickered like hell, but it also seemed so new and exciting.
Haha, jinx!
Begin as you intend to go on:Don’t show off by doing anything you aren’t willing to do forever. If you don’t intend to cook dinner every night, then don’t start off by doing that. Same with laundry and other chores. (Also I advise against doing laundry for another adult human — I just feel like that is the bare minimum that adult human beings should be doing for themselves.)
Weird question — if you’re generally a germaphobic person (like the kind of person to wipe down an airplane tray), do you still wear masks? I’m curious how high the correlation is.
(For me: not a germaphobe but still wearing masks mostly.)
I don’t think I’m a germaphobe in general, and I don’t wipe things down, but I generally wear masks in public because I like not getting sick and I don’t see much downside to wearing masks around strangers – who cares what they think of me?
No. Sanitizing an airplane tray, using a paper towel to open a public bathroom door, or washing my hands when I get home doesn’t inconvenience me for more than a few seconds. Wearing a mask is uncomfortable for a longer period of time, my makeup is smeary afterward, and my skin breaks out. I only wear a mask if a specific situation outweighs the annoyance (or if I’m sick but have a legitimate reason to temporarily be in public).
I’m not super germaphobic. I guess I think my hands aren’t clean if I didn’t just wash them anyway? What is wiping a tray going to do? I buy used things and borrow library books and live in an old house and keep pets and don’t want to overthink it.
I wear masks indoors in accord with my understanding of WHO and CDC recommendations and also because I have better things to do than get sick with stuff.
I’m not a “germaphobe” per se. I understand the harm in antibacterial soaps and I understand how regular soap works by breaking bonds & micelles. I would rather not catch COVID because I’m higher risk, and I’m now just much more aware of what I’ve touched now and who else might have touched it.
I’ve also enjoyed not having more than one cold over a nearly three year period so yeah, I’m pretty down with masking.
+1. I am not a germophobe, I just enjoy a much higher quality of life when I am not sick all the time like I was back in the bad old days. Add in elevated risk for COVID complications and masking is a no-brainer.
What I would really love to see is sick people staying home or at least masking, but that seems to be too much to ask.
I’m not a germaphobe. Never had a problem with touching the poles in a subway and didn’t use a paper towel to open the bathroom door. However, I will still wear a mask on the subway, bus and on airplanes. I might not wear one the whole time if I eat on a long flight but overall it’s not a huge inconvenience.