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Sales of note for 10.10.24
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- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
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- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
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- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
Hi ladies I have a question about when in a job search you can make it known that you want a special accommodation.
I practiced in Big Law for three years and generally enjoyed the work and the environment, although the hours were starting to wear me down by the time I left. I moved to a small town for my DH’s job and am at the biggest (really the only) firm here, which is still a small firm (approx. 10 partners). It has turned out to be a pretty terrible fit for me in terms of both personality and work and I’m thinking about applying to much larger (though probably still what many of you would consider “mid-size”) firms in the city about 1.5 hours away. The catch is that I have two small children and I know a 3 hour daily commute is just not practical for me, especially with the snowy winters we have, so I would only want to move if I could work from home at least 3 and ideally 4 days a week (I’d be open to being in the office more for the first few months, but would want a fixed date by which that would end, assuming all is going well).
When in the job interview process do I raise this? On the one hand, I don’t want to waste everyone’s time (and risk my current employer finding out that I’m interviewing) if I’m not going to accept the job, but I also know you have a lot more leverage after you get an offer. In case it matters, I have very good credentials (top schools, good grades, law review, strong references from the BigLaw days) but nothing that makes me a superstar, like a federal appellate clerkship.
Thanks in advance!
Anon
In my industry, this is where networking can really help you. You can put feelers out and those feelers can come with the WFH caveat.
I am not in law, but in a relatively similar boat myself. I am currently in a role where I work from home (kids are NOT at home with me; they go to FT daycare/school + afterschool) but I would not be interested in a roll where I would have to be in the office 40-50 hours/week (unless that office was a <15 min commute). I've been casually exploring opportunities that have popped up through my network and almost always, by the time I'm talking to someone looking to hire, they know I will not be in the office most days.
Coach Laura
Do you know anyone at the target firm (or other firms in that city)? Do you know anyone who works in a recruiting or HR function at similar firms? Is this a stand-alone firm or a branch of a bigger firm? I’d start doing some networking and research first.
I’m a big proponent of telecommuting and flexible scheduling but many companies are just never going to get on board. If you can see what the atmosphere is like first, that might help.
Otherwise, in general the approach would be to have 2-3 meetings/interviews to make sure that you’re a fit otherwise and then bring it up when you have a verbal or are close to a written offer. Unless they ask you about the distance ahead of time and if so, you could ask if anyone has done remote work 3 days a week.
Devil's advocate
Is there anywhere in the middle you could move so you and your DH could each have a 30-60 minute commute each way? You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your job for his.
Anonymous
Moving is not an option – there’s also really nothing in between our current area and the city, except extremely small towns we don’t want to live in for a variety of reasons (lack of emergency services, poor school districts, complete lack of diversity). We could live in the city or its suburbs, but that doesn’t make sense given that my husband loves his job, has great job security, and plans to stay there pretty much forever, while I’m much more likely to quit once we have the financial means. It was a mutual decision that we should live close to his job. Believe me, he is not asking me to sacrifice my job for his; I would never ask him to do that commute (and us to do another big move) when I have no idea if I would like this job or want to stay there.
Devil's advocate
I just wanted to ask in case it was a question that needed asking
ace
I’d also recommend networking and trying to reach out to the firm to see if the arrangement would work. Law firms are pretty archaic at times, so there are a lot of firms that would reject a mostly teleworking arrangement out of hand (but some that would see it as feasible). I WOULD NOT just apply for a job that does not bill itself as open to teleworking and bring it up only after receiving an offer as i think that could be viewed as wasting the firm’s time and burn a bridge.
Side note that I would recommend that you not use the word “accommodation” here, as the term accommodation is a term of art in employment law related to disability and religious-based changes to your work that you are legally entitled to. You could run the risk of confusing the folks you’re talking to — indeed, I assumed when I started reading this that you were talking about an accommodation that you had a legal right to, and not a change to the structure of the job that would require your employer’s consent.
good luck!
Blonde Lawyer
+1
Anonymous
Thanks for the note about the term “accommodation.” Will refrain from using it in the future. I am clearly not an employment lawyer :)
ace
Happy to help!
I wish you luck in your search — sounds like it could be a very good arrangement.
Ciao, pues
Also in law, and I did this recently before even applying. I reached out to the hiring partner and said I was interested but wondered if they would consider alternate arrangements considering the distance (also 1.5 hours plus kid at home, though I didnt tell them about the kid). I didn’t want to waste my time or theirs if it was never going to happen, and the hiring partner told me that they hadn’t thought about it before but after looking at my credentials thought it was worth exploring. He talked with the hiring committee, then with me to brainstorm some ideas over the phone, decided there was enough of a reason to meet in person, and they invited me to interview and we talked it out at the interview itself. I probably would not have been so bold if I weren’t very confident that I was a highly competitive candidate.
Anonymous
Tread carefully. People talk in small towns and any wiff of you going to another firm in another city could cause problems for you and the husband.
In my experience with small town mentality the partners probably feel that they gave you an epic amazing opportunity by hiring you and will get really angry/petty if they hear about you applying elsewhere.
Winning
Weee…posting here because I can’t brag to friends.
I’m the poster who had the no good very bad terrible horrible year – dumped by a long-term/live-in boyfriend via note, ensuing mental health breakdown and family estrangement.
But apparently I got through to the better side – I just found out I got a 10% raise and a 20% bonus! Feeling really proud of myself for keeping it together at work despite the above, and landing on my own two feet. There is so much satisfaction in being your own strong independent woman. Champagne for all!
Anon
Go you!!
Senior Attorney
Wow!! Toasting you fantastic success!! So happy for you!!
anonymous
Rock on! Here’s to a much better year!
Jules
Congrats!
lsw
Nice work, lady! It can be really tough to just keep your head above water at work with so much stuff going on, much less kick @ss, but it sounds like that’s what you did! Yeah!!
Sydney Bristow
Hooray! Congratulations!
Anon
Totally wonderful! Congrats!
Liz
Wow, congratulations! That’s awesome!
emeralds
Congratulations! I’m so happy for you :)
Edna Mazur
Yay! Have some cake too.
Wendy
Fantastic news!!
Tigermom
Congrats- you know that you deserve it! Wine and Wine!
Maizie
Mazel tov! You are an inspiration!
DisenchantedinDC
Congratulations!
Stepping Out?
For those of you that have, or have considered (or have fantasized) about taking a break from your career, how did you come to make that decision?
I was laid off, with a decent severance package. I will have the opportunity to do some intermittent consulting with current contacts, but nothing major (ie I have not actively pursued a Big Gig). I am having my second baby this spring. DH just got a big promotion and for the past 4-5 years, we have both been pulling in (and saving) very good salaries. Our family can live, with little/no lifestyle adjustment, on DH’s salary + my small consulting income. We won’t be banking as much as we used to, but we are in our “forever house,” have 130k in the bank (70k of that is set aside for emergencies and is 6-8 months living expenses excluding childcare), have at least a year of my current income still coming in due to severance (which will be 100% banked…along with the unexpected 20k bonus DH just received, plus savings from DH’s income though that won’t be nearly what it used to be), and we are well ahead of “schedule” on retirement. I could theoretically not contribute anything for 2 years to retirement and still be on track (however, I would fully fund our IRAs anyway, and we’d continue to max out DH’s plan).
On top of that, almost any role I take will mean that DH and I will be out of the house 50+ hours/week and our 2 little ones will be seeing way less of mommy and way more of a nanny. I previously had a somewhat unicorn high paying job with hours and a travel schedule that could flex so that DH and I were only out of the house at the same time for around 35 hours/week. Our childcare costs are $28k/year now, and would grow to almost $45k with a nanny.
it seems like life is telling me “STOP BEING A CRAZY WORKING MOM AND TAKE THIS AS A GIFT.” But the career-woman in me says “get right out there and get a new job, or you will stagnate and never work again.” I 1-2 year break won’t kill me, right? And this is probably the only time someone will pay me for a year to not work?
I am 33, if that is relevant. I am in an industry that is not law.
Anonymous
I would 100% step out if I were in your shoes, but I don’t like my job and career and only do it to fund the lifestyle I want. I think you have to think about how much fulfillment you get from your career and if you really get a lot of enjoyment out of it, it might be a harder decision. I do think that the interim consulting work will make it easier for you to return to full-time work, so this is very different than being a SAHM for a year or two (which is still the right decision for some, but would be harder to return from).
Emmer
If you continue to consult I don’t think taking 1-2 years off of a traditional job will hurt your long-term prospects much. But this isn’t really “time off” if you’re going to be the primary childcare provider. The more relevant question is whether you think you’d like to spend all day with your kids and/or taking care of household tasks.
Senior Attorney
That’s a great point. If I were in your shoes I’d be super tempted to do the whole Mrs. Brady thing and get help while staying home.
Stepping Out
Ok, so I’m not crazy to be tempted? I think DH is nervous because he saw how unexpectedly I lost my job, and would be the Sole Provider. But both he and I are highly marketable and I really think ONE of us could land a job in 6 months. I know I could, but it would be long commute or high travel or both (which is fine if DH isn’t working)!
I would also (and have discussed with DH) keep my consulting income up enough to maintain our bi monthly cleaning service and send our oldest to preschool 3x/week. This is nominal (<5k) and I think would really help my sanity. Outside of preschool I really do like the idea of spending the day with the littles. Not forever, but we put #1 in daycare at 11 weeks, and I would love to skip that. I am also really elicited to watch #1 become a big sister and seeing it myself would be so much better than having to spend more time out of the house than I do now.
emeralds
From a childless outsider: the universe is giving you a gift. TAKE IT.
Anonymous
It sounds awesome. Do it!!!
Anonymous
I mean, after 3 years at home, no you shouldn’t be confident you can find a job in 6 months. Now, maybe, but don’t make plans on the assumption that you are going to be particularly fortunate. Most women struggle to return to a comparable position after time off for babies.
OP
I would be comfortable/willing to take a role that paid 75% of what I make now. And my function in my industry tends to be one that is less impacted by time- eg a salesperson still has strong sales skills even after a year or two off. No, your book isn’t as fresh, but the basic skills are very much there.
Literally worst case scenario, I could always go work for the family business. Not my dream job, not my niche, but would pay the bills in dark times (eg DH and I both unemployed with no prospects and emergency fund drained, either do this or sell the house).
ITDS
If the consulting will allow you to keep up your industry ties and network, and keep skills sharp, why not? In a perfect world, your consulting gigs will be yearning for your 2nd kid to go to kindergarten so they can get you “full time”.
Emmer
Not crazy at all. DH will not be Sole Provider Under Any And All Circumstances. You still have the flexibility to look for a job and switch roles for a bit if he loses his job, particularly given your emergency fund. People do this with a lot less. If you’re confident that you can keep up your skills through consulting and that you’ll like being a fuller-time parent, this seems low risk in the grand scheme of things.
Anonymous
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if you were fired or what your severance is.
Do you want to be a stay at home mom for a few years, knowing that it makes it harder to go back or not?
anon0321
Just my thought- I don’t think you count as a *SAHM* if you are doing some consulting. On your resume, it will look like you continued to work & stay current in your field… as long as you have an answer to that & good references to speak on your behalf, I can’t imagine that would look like a major hole in your career. At least that’s how I’d roll it.
At my company, we can take an unpaid year off when we have children. I was going to do this & decided ultimately not to– but I thought it was the best of both worlds if you can slow down your career, bust still keep things intact enough on your resume to look like you haven’t 100% opted out.
One of the reasons I am going back is because my husband was laid off (we have savings, but I like my job & it’s not really a burden for me to go back since I mostly work from home)- I totally plan on still having childcare & someone to clean my home- it makes me sane & is more enjoyable than therapy for my husband & I. :) FWIW I’d expect the same if I was a SAHM & my husband was working.
Anonymous
I would take it but I would also ensure that you devote sufficient time to the consulting to remain current and marketable when you are ready to step back in.
In addition to #1 in preschool, could you hire a high school student part time to watch both kids (once #2 is say 6 months old) so you could have regular work hours – e.g. 3-5:30pm daily or 3x week. Baby + older child is busy and will not leave a lot of time for consulting unless you carve out that time. I would also pursue ‘visible’ involvement – e.g. presenting at a continuing education session in your field.
OP
Yes. And for the next 4 months it’s just me and #1, so I am planning to use the 10 hours/week for work time. Wrap up/break for baby 2, then ease back in after “mat leave” with a sitter or some other arrangement (I’m thinking of some kind of parent play date swap, if I make other SAHM-ish friends…).
Anonymous
I considered twice leaving my profession and doing other things (laid off both times). However I did not have as much time as a professional as you or as much saved and I am significantly younger.
I think it depends on your industry. If I left what I am doing now for a year I know I would never get back in. Though it sounds like you don’t necessarily need to get back in.
anon prof
Make sure your husband has a big life insurance policy–you both actually need good life insurance, if you don’t already have it.
Anonymous
My Son was born when I was 33, I then took a year off from work before I returned to a new role at the same company. It didn’t affect my career , so do it. Your career isn’t a sprint but a marathon.
Financial Question
I’ve read a lot of online stuff about retirement savings and reducing taxable income and I am still confused. I keep getting these ads that say open an IRA and deduct $5000 off your taxes! I’m assuming what you contribute to the IRA is tax deductible. But then I read that if you contribute to a work 401k the amount you can deduct for contributing to the IRA is limited. I also see you have until April 2016 to contribute for 2015. This sounds too good to be true so I must be reading something wrong. If I do my taxes and I owe $3,000, I could theoretically open an IRA and contribute $3,000 there instead? I know that must be wrong. So, wise hive, please explain IRA’s to me. In this situation I have a 401k that I don’t max but do contribute to. My husband has a TSP that he does not max but does contribute to. TIA.
Anonymous
“If I do my taxes and I owe $3,000, I could theoretically open an IRA and contribute $3,000 there instead?”
No, that would be a tax credit (i.e., taking $3K off what you owe the government). A tax deduction takes the amount off your taxable income. So if you make $100K and you put $3K in a tax deductible retirement account, then you effectively made $97K and your tax liability is slightly reduced. But not reduced by $3K.
ITDS
The money isn’t deducted from what you owe in taxes, it’s deducted from your taxable income, and will then perhaps result in a lower tax bill. So contributing 3K will not eliminate a 3K tax bill, just a part of it. You can run your taxes and then decide whether a contribution will help lower your bill.
Anonymous
Actually, if your income is low enough, there is a tax credit (sliding scale, but up to a dollar per dollar credit) for contributions to an IRA. I think it phases out around $50K of Adjusted Gross Income, but that is probably what the ads you’re looking at are referencing.
If your income is relatively low, I’d suggest running your taxes with and without an IRA contribution to evaluate the impact.
P.S. TurboTax is excellent for this kind of stuff. Run away from the HR Block type of places!
Financial Question
That’s what I thought but I was forgetting the lingo. It’s a deduction, not a credit. Okay, but what about 401k versus IRA? What are the benefits of using one over the other? In an ideal world you use both but as long as you are funding the 401k enough to get your match, are there pros and cons for the next 5k between the two vehicles?
Sarabeth
What are your 401k options? If you have Vanguard or another low-fee options, the 401k is fine. If not, you can probably get lower fees by opening an IRA with Vanguard. Since the money will be compounding for decades, the fees really do matter.
Also, I like to put a bit of money in a Roth IRA as a tax hedge. At current tax rates, a traditional IRA or 401k is a better choice, but current rates seem totally unsustainable to me; if they go up significantly, the Roth would be the better choice. So I have some in each.
Mpls
You can contribute more money to retirment through a 401k (18,000 cap for 2015) than through an IRA ($5000 or $5500, I forget).
You get to choose where to open your IRA (you have more control over investment options and fees) vs a 401k (employer typically chooses who the plan is run through). Both 401k and IRAs *may* have Roth options, though not all will offer.
401ks may have a match (free money from the employer) while the IRA is just your money.
Anonymous
You need to first determine whether you’re even eligible to make deductible traditional IRA contributions. What you’ve read is correct with respect to IRA deductions being limited if you are eligible to participate in a 401k at work, and the limitations depend on your income. If you’re not eligible to make deductible IRA contributions, barring special circumstances the 401k is your best (and only) bet for reducing your taxable income through retirement contributions.
You didn’t ask, but I’ll say that you may be best finding yourself a reputable CPA. You’re talking about throwing around several thousand dollars in hopes of maximizing your tax benefits, and I’d hate for you to make a contribution and then find out it’s not deductible–and you can’t even get the money out to move it where you could’ve obtained a tax benefit. And maybe you just picked the $3k tax bill out of thin air as an example, but if you actually are getting $3k as the amount you owe come April, you face the potential of penalties for not withholding enough. Your CPA can help you figure out the right amount of withholding to keep you within the safe harbors to avoid penalties.
Amy H.
You do actually get until April 15, 2016 to open and make a 2015 contribution to your IRA. You can’t do that with your 401(k).
Queen of the Castle
I may be interviewing for the first time in several years so I would like to get a new suit. Any recomendations for a size 2 hourglass in the $300-500 (for jacket & skirt) range? I have wider shoulders/ribcage and my narrowest part is my natural waist – jackets always look too boxy on me.
D
I don’t think “jackets” look too boxy per se but the details – the shoulders, the lapels, the lay of the buttons down the front. Sorry I don’t have specific advice but if you need an interview SUIT then you need a SUIT – even a dress and a blazer, right? So focus on those details and change ’em up and see what looks good.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
I am about your size and built similarly. What is your height like?
I always have to get alterations done for the reasons you cite…..
Queen of the Castle
I’m 5’3″ so petite would be ideal.
I do need to find a good seamstress, so far the only thing I’ve had done is have hems or sleeves shortened by dry cleaner type places, not great quality but sufficient for that. You’re right, alterations are probably going to be necessary to get the fit I want. ::sigh::
Anonymous
I’m not as small as you, but I have very broad shoulders and a jacket without a pronounced waist makes me look like a linebacker. I don’t have any specific recommendations, but have you tried jackets that have a slight peplum? And by slight I mean, the peplum is not frilly at all, it’s a slight flare compared to your typical suit jacket. Classiques had a suit with that fit a while ago – maybe 3 years? – and it’s probably the best suit I’ve ever had.
Queen of the Castle
The problem I’ve had with peplums is the flare often begins much too high for me, but I’ll keep an eye out.
anon
I’m your same shape but a little smaller. I really like BR’s suits- I have the two button jacket and the pencil skirt with the double vent and those work very well for me, although I did need to take in both of them at the waist, but that’s typical for me. I looked and availability now seems spotty, but you could try these:
http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=41699&vid=1&pid=673377002
http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=41699&vid=1&pid=175394002
Queen of the Castle
Thanks for the recommendation, I haven’t tried their suiting yet. I like that it’s mostly wool with a little stretch. It would be helpful if the pictures showed the model with the jacket buttoned!
In the Pink
I am an hourglass, just larger than you. I really find that White House/Black Market works for me in terms of jackets which are “nipped in at the waist.” I also find that they have a fairly good price point and reasonable durability. Not always interview appropriate though, as there tends to be details, but one never knows what will be out for Spring. I also fit well in Lafayette 142 (?) and then there are the Armani jackets and/or pant suits that I find at consignment stores. Heavenly. Good luck hunting. Congrats on the opportunity.
Anon
Just needed to vent – I’ve been “on call” for a meeting with the partners I work with for the last hour and a half. They keep telling me another 5 minutes but they will not give me a set time so I’ve been waiting and as a result, not really getting work done.
Ugh what a waste of time…
Ellen
Yay! I love nice scarfes, and do NOT know much about the quality of this Malala scarf. I supose for $48, it does not have to be that fine, but it is a good cause, so I CONCUR that it should be recomended to the HIVE!
Personaly, I prefer heavy wool scarfes for when I walk outside in the winter, and HERMES scarfes (100% silk) when I just want to look like a law firm partner with style. I find that men approach me more when I wear a scarf b/c they want to see my neck. Why I have no idea, and it is NOT like I have such a great neck. I know that Frank wants to stare down at my boobie’s, which scarfes tend to prevent, but that is another story.
I may have to go to my GP b/c I see that I have a black and blue mark on my thigh from where I slipped and fell. FOOEY b/c my GP is alway’s lookeing to see what is wrong in places that he does NOT need to go. Now he will be abel to do what he want’s up there. DOUBEL FOOEY! I have been lookeing for a female GP, but only have a female OB/GYN. Mabye I should go to her even tho it is NOT a reproductive issue. I have to ask Myrna what she think’s. I do NOT want to have to get referred back to my GP. I wish I did NOT slip on the schlush, but that is NY City in the winter time. TRIPEL FOOEY!
ace
I hate this. My boss is notorious for setting a meeting then getting a call 5 mins in, telling me he’ll come find me later, and I have to stalk him the rest of the day to get the should-have-been-10-min-conversation done. I have trouble not seeing it as incredibly disrespectful of my time …
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
This happened to me all the time at my old job. Maddening.
Anon
Can anyone recommend a tax preparer in NoVA?
We sold a rental property in 2015 (one that we bought at the height of the 2007 market, relocated for work, had to rent out bc we couldn’t afford to sell, then the house proceeded to be a GIANT loss for us every year in expenses and rents that didn’t cover the mortgage, at closing our profit was a mere $900) and turbotax is saying we owe $12k in depreciation recapture. I am PRAYING there’s another answer. We’re both practically in tears; this house has cost us tens of thousands of dollars in real cash losses and this potential depreciation recapture is such a punch in the gut. Not to mention, we don’t have that kind of cash lying around.
Anonymous
I don’t have a tax preparer recommendation, but have you check whether you were deducting your full losses on the property every year? I’m in a similar situation but have a TON of deferred capital losses that I can’t deduct year to year because my income is too high. A lot of those can be used to offset capital gains from the sale of the property. Otherwise, I think you’re out of luck – you’ve been getting the tax benefit of depreciation every year without the house actually losing value, so Uncle Sam wants his money back.
AZCPA
No reason you need a local preparer – there are a few of us tax CPAs on the blog who I’m sure would be happy to work with you, myself included. A couple of notes:
1. What you describe is entirely possible as a result, though my gut tells me itself unlikely in your case. Do definitely consult with a tax professional (and NOT H&R Block – get a CPA). Have your prior year returns reviewed at the same time.
2. This is where I throw in my PSA for not doing your own taxes if you have your own business, rental property, etc. Odds are good that either something is incorrect in your prior year’s returns, or that things from those returns aren’t flowing properly into the current year. Or that the sale itself isn’t calculating correctly. Tax law is incredibly complex. If you aren’t a tax expert, there’s just too much chance you’ll get things wrong.
Anon OP
I’m slightly afraid I did this to myself haha. I did well in all my tax classes in law school, so I was like, “oh, I can do this myself! I remember this from class!” And last night when turbotax spit out the recapture, I was like, “Ohhh nooo. I remember something about this too.”
We first rented out the house in 2008, and now I’m really wanting someone to go back and check everything. We used a mix of H&R Block and my genius for all those years :/
Are there magic words I should say on the phone to convey the situation appropriately to be sure I get someone experienced in this?
AZCPA
Unfortunately, there’s a huge difference between understanding tax theory and the expertise needed to actually prepare a return correctly.
As long as you go to a reputable CPA firm, no magic words needed. In my experience (12 years with a large regional firm, 3 as a sole practitioner) your situation and concerns are extremely common, so you really don’t need some kind of subject matter expert or a big national firm to handle this. Just explain that you sold a rental property in 2015, and that you or H&R Block did the prior returns. You’d like those reviewed and amended if needed and this year’s return prepared.
And I’ll second the advice not to panic. Likely the situation is better than you think, and if not, there are pretty flexible installment plan options.
Anonymous
And, if you do end up owing more than you pay at the moment, look at the IRS’ information on installment plans and get on one April 15. (though, I hope it works out). The IRS is pretty good about agreeing to reasonable plans and I think there are some combination of terms where they are obligated to accept.
Don’t panic.
lsw
This model’s face is hilarious. It’s like her mom bought her that scarf for her birthday and made the woman model it for a picture.
Anonymous
Lol, totally agree
Anonymous
Any thoughts on wedding photography contracts that include model releases? “…unlimited consent to use the photographs for editorial, competition, advertising and any other purpose and in any manner.”
I’m a generally private person — no social media presence — and this clause makes me a little antsy. And this is likely silly, but as an attorney, I don’t love the fact that a google search of my name could return such personal photos. (Maybe especially since I’m prosecuting? But maybe not.) Is this an inconsequential thing that I shouldn’t worry about or something to raise with the photographer? How much should I be willing to pay to alter this clause?
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
I felt the same way. I negotiated it out, and drafted a provision that my photos won’t be disclosed with anyone except me. Didn’t have to offer to pay, although I did have to threaten to get another photographer.
Wildkitten
You sound like you would be very uncomfortable if your wedding photos were sold and used on a herpes ad on the side of a bus in your small town, so you should ask for the clause to be stricken.
Sydney Bristow
I’d just ask to have it removed. If your photographer is newer to the field they might really want to include it so they can build a portfolio to attract other clients. If they are established and your wedding isn’t something completely new and different that they’d be likely to want to feature, I’d hope they’d be more willing to remove it.
FWIW, I don’t know that these are normally tied to your name. Most of what I’ve seen are blog posts with the highlights and the couple’s first names. If it’s in a portfolio there aren’t usually names at all.
I’d just bring it up and see what they say. Maybe they’d be willing to remove it in exchange for you writing an honest review on their top choice of review sites?
MJ
Yeah, but when these aren’t tied to your name, and they go up on the internet, well, they can end up anywhere. My amazing friend had a transgender wedding with an all-female mariachi band, and the pix were EVERYWHERE, not attributed, and creepy. (Even a bunch of noob photographers that wanted to appear diverse were passing them off as their work, which was whole lies!) I would negotiate it out entirely or say that they have to be watermarked over the core part of the photo if posted online.
Wildkitten
I love when people have mariachi bands at their weddings.
New Tampanian
Absolutely negotiate it out. I would even add a provision that they cannot be used without your prior written consent.
Anonymous
Certainly doesn’t hurt to ask them if they can take it out, though I do think many photographers would balk at this, since if everyone asked for it they wouldn’t be album to enter photography competitions, bl*g about the weddings they shoot, or show their clients albums of past photos, all of which are pretty essential for building their business.
FWIW, I highly doubt these photos would be associated with your full name in a search engine result. Generally when photographers bl*g or post about weddings they say things like “John and Sue’s Wedding” and I’m pretty sure if you asked most would be happy to say “J + S Wedding.” They just want to share their photos, not tie it into your identity. You might also ask about a clause that says they can use prints of your photos but not transmit digital copies electronically, which would still give them the ability to advertise with your photos but keep your images offline.
Spirograph
Yes. This wasn’t anything I worried about, so I signed that clause. My wedding photographer used our photos on her Facebook page and website, as part of her portfolio and the banner background for a while, and on printed promotional materials, but our names were not associated. She did ask permission separately before submitting a photo of us to a magazine contest where it would have been published more widely, and expressly stated that only our likenesses, not names, would be used. I’d just ask. If your photographer registers it as a concern of yours, he/she may go out of the way to keep you anonymous, even if that’s not standard.
KinCA
We removed that clause from all of our wedding vendor contracts and it was a non-issue; every vendor we booked struck it from the contract without any push back. After our wedding, I did end up allowing a few vendors who did an awesome job to use photos of our flowers, cake, etc. but asked that they not use our faces, and no one had a problem with that.
anon0321
We are in a major city & my husband is an IP attorney & nutso about contract language (I am also an attorney, just less uptight). He wanted the rights to the images (we literally said “name a price & we’ll consider it”). We scared off about 5 photographers before we realized they were worried about us selling our images to a magazine (hilarious because we are clearly just totally average folks and I am pretty sure no magazine would want our pics).
Another friend had a similar experience.
We finally found someone who was willing to give us co-rights as long as we didn’t sell the pics.
So ask away, just be ready to be flexible on choosing someone else if they do not agree.
Killer Kitten Heels
I just told them the model release needed to be removed from the contract and they did it, no questions asked. They seemed a little surprised I’d noticed it, but didn’t try to charge us extra for removal.
S in Chicago
I wish I had negotiated mine. I was married on a small island. The photographers were amazing and I wouldn’t have minded a bit if my photos had been used to promote them or tourism (in fact, I would have gotten a kick out of being featured in the place’s monthly magazine that you find at the airport). Instead, our pictures ended up being given to our wedding planner–who is on a very small list of people in this life who have gotten me to such a point of rage that I could have hit them. Screwed up our marriage license, botched all manner and detail of decorating that we had paid for, didn’t get the officiant there, and sadly that’s just a bit of the list. So, yeah, you can imagine how that felt being used to promote her services all over her website. It’s been nearly 10 years, and I can feel the blood rushing to my ears all over again just thinking about it.
S in Chicago
I just googled and got her site again. Photos from our wedding are still up there. It’s been almost 10 years for crying out loud. I know I shouldn’t care. This isn’t life or death. But man, oh man, if I could go back in time how I wish I had read what we signed more closely.
Anonymous
I asked my photographer about this & she explained that she needed the ability to use the photos in her portfolio and to submit to wedding blogs and magazines because that’s how people found her business – it was a huge part of her marketing. This made total sense to me, and I didn’t worry about the clause since I don’t have any issues with my photos being public. For what it’s worth, our wedding was featured with just our first names so it’s not searchable unless you know what you’re looking for exactly.
Frustrated Mom
Sorry for the cross-post from the mom’s group. I am probably posting too late to get much of a response but here goes (ignore if you don’t want to read a kid post):
Question for all you moms out there-I have a bright funny only-child 3.5 year old who seems to struggle with big emotions/emotional regulation. Gets upset easily and has been more physical when upset lately, especially with me and my husband (but probably more with me). kicks, hits, tries to bite. He was a biter as a toddler but had outgrown it, I thought. He’s hit me in the face a few times, the last time being yesterday morning when he asked, “it is the weekend or a daycare day?” Sigh. We are working on being firm, having immediate consequences, and not losing our tempers and escalating the situation. I’m considering an intake with a therapist to help us do a better job managing/reducing these behaviors, but I’m wondering if we should do something different daycare wise too. He’s at daycare he’s been at since birth in a “preschool” room, but it seems a little chaotic and I’m not sure what the preschool curriculum is beyond free play and doing art projects (which I do think is important). He will go up to the next room soon and there is more activities there but it also seems fairly unstructured. I worry about him learning to manage his emotions, especially when he starts school and it is much more structured. I am considered doing a more preschool type program, at least half a day (although it needs to be with a daycare or after school component since we both work) or doing a local Montessori program I’ve heard good things about (calm!). But it will be more in cost and my husband likes where he currently is and doesn’t think our kid needs a change. I’m struggling with how much to push this. Any thoughts much appreciated.
anon
Have you tried 1-2-3 Magic?
anon
+1
Eliza
+1
Anonymous
Sorry but I am not a fan of 123 Magic.
Can you read/google Dr. Laura Markham? She is awesome.
I’m betting you’re doing a better job than you think you are – this is a tough age. I’d absolutely recommend some therapy (for you)/parental counseling if only to cement my opinion that you are doing fine. And cut yourself some slack. Also, Montessori is not for everyone.
I PROMISE you when he is 16 you are going to wish to have this time back again. You are wonderful, involved, concerned parents. He will totally learn to live in the world. Will probably give you some grey hairs along the way but better than having a boring child.
Anonymous
What else is going on around him? My son threw terrible tantrums between 3 1/2 abd 4 1/2. Part of it is normal but we also moved during that time and had financial stress. When we started focusing on a rigid structure for him (no mall or grocery shopping or relative visiting) in the evening, he got much better.
anon
I posted on the moms s!te but also should’ve mentioned to try the rigid, set schedule recommended by Anonymous at 5:01.
One thing that was a huge help for my child was giving very clear transitions/visual schedule. So for seemingly everything (I felt like I was a little batty I did this so much), I would give a 5 minute, 2 minute and 1 minute transition warning – “in five minutes, it will be bath time” “in five minute we’re leaving for school” etc.
There are tons of other books that I’ve read that have been helpful in addition to 123 magic. I would suggest you pay very close attention to when the outbursts happen. Are they at transitions, dinner, related to school, unpredictable, etc.
another tip that helped me was when his therapist said to phrase things in terms of choices – example: you have two choices. You can continue to jump on the couch, which means you’ll get a three minute time out and won’t be able to play with firetruck, or you can make a better choice to sit nicely on the couch and earn the right to continue playing with firetruck. Somehow, this choice language and using the ‘earn the right to’ language worked way better and decreased explosions than ‘if you do that, I’m taking away the firetruck”. not word for word what I did, but made a big difference.
long time child specialist
+1 on choices for preschoolers, especially those easily frustrated
do consult a child psychologist or developmentalist. You need someone who truly “knows” preschoolers. Ask for parenting coaching. Your son may come in for 1-2 sessions just so that he is a known individual and not just via your descriptions. There’s no time like the present; once he is in formal preKindergarten there will be expectations, fewer options, and less play-like activities so his frustrations may rise.
The therapist/psychologist may also be useful in making a change of schools, especially with so many transition points for changes ahead – preschool, preK, K/bridge year, K, etc.
Consistency and logical consequences along with 123 Magic seems to be a good combination for these kiddos.
anon
Anyone have a recommendation for a cheap, affordable wedding videographer in the New York City / Long Island area? We’re trying to save on costs and would be ok just having someone take raw footage that we could edit later on if we wanted – but don’t want to spend a lot up front for a “professional wedding video” (recognizing that our parents and possibly children at some point would like to at least view some footage of the day). Thanks!
Killer Kitten Heels
When we got married in 2012, we worked out a pretty affordable deal for raw footage + 2 minute “teaser” video with J Castillo Films – the footage was awesome and they were very easy to work with.
Turning down a job offer
Help! How do I turn down a very generous offer (which was sent by email after 2 in person interviews)- is email acceptable or is phone required? Being an introvert who hates conflict I would prefer to send an email… The thought of this conversation already makes me so nervous.
Anon
I turned down an offer under similar circumstances by email. I stated something like I appreciated the offer but needed to respectfully decline at this juncture. I stated I hoped to see the interviewing attorney at a future function I thought we would both be at and wished them luck in their search. They emailed you and I think it’s perfectly acceptable to email back your response.
I’ve interviewed a lot of lawyers too. People decline, it’s part of it. Don’t sweat it.
KateMiddletown
This scarf is adorable. It will help me with my Malala fan-girl-ness until they make a Barbie version. (Which they absolutely should.)