Coffee Break: Golda Ruched Suede Pointy Pump

124 Comments

1. Big TJ: How can I help my sister be a better listener?

   My older sister and I used to have a very close relationship that has waned a bit in the last 5 years. Our lives are very different (she: SAHM, two kids; me: work full time, TTC, amongst other differences). We haven’t lived in the same location since college, but we’ve always been able to keep up by phone. I truly believe that one of the reasons (maybe the main reason?) our relationship has waned is that my sister has become a bad listener. Literally speaking, sometimes it’s clear she’s not really paying attention and therefore misunderstands what I’m saying; I then get a bit frustrated when I feel like I have to keep repeating myself. She’s gotten better about this now that her kids are are a little bit older, and I think has realized we (me and our mom) would prefer to talk to her when she’s not also trying to run interference between her two kids. We’ll often talk when she’s in the car on her way somewhere by herself.

   I think the bigger issue is the fact that she listens in the way men typically listen, i.e. she tries to “solve” everything. I just had a conversation with her over my lunch hour, and I was relaying a very complicated and sad situation my best friend is going through. What I really needed was to vent out some emotional exhaustion. Sister kept on saying, “Friend should do this…” and “Friend should remember that…” when really, neither Sister nor I have ever faced the kind of matter Friend is going through, so third-person advice is inappropriate and unhelpful. (The situation is so truly complex that I was only giving Sister a surface view – she knew she didn’t have all the perspective to be making suggestions for a course of action… but still does). The dialogue I was looking for would have been more along the lines of, “I’m so sorry for Friend” or “How is Friend holding up under the pressures of X?”

   Is there any way I can gently coach or out-right tell my sister that she used to be a better listener? What can I do to help steer our conversations away from this bossy-big-sister dynamic I feel she’s adopted? For what it’s worth, my sister avoids conflict like the plague and is high-strung without a very thick skin. Now that I’ve identified it, I want to find a way through this issue because I think it will help our relationship immensely.

   1. I think you need to just tell her, “I’m not looking for advice right now. I’m looking for space to vent and talk about how the situation makes me feel.” She might feel useless or less intelligent or feel like she needs to “prove” herself, especially if she’s been a SAHM while you’ve been working full-time. I don’t think it’s fair to say she’s a “bad listener.” She’s trying to fix your problem and that’s just not what you’re looking for. She might be hugely relieved to hear you’re looking for emotional support and not a solution!

      1. Thanks preg 3L. You’ve lead me to another realization, which is that I think this comes from the problem-solving mode she is in for most of her day: kids asking permission, for help, etc. I have tried the “I’m looking for space to vent” tactic and if I say it first thing she’ll usually respect that. But I get lost mid-conversation when she starts telling me how to do things when I’m clearly not asking for that.

         You’re right that I shouldn’t say she’s a “bad” listener when what I need is for her to do a different type of listening. But it does get tiring when I feel like I’m always signing up for a lecture on how-to when we talk. And she’s an interrupter, so I end up feeling totally run-over by her.

         1. Well if this is the type of listening you always want from her, you can definitely say so. Or, you can ask about why she’s always offering solutions. She might not realize that’s what she’s doing. I don’t think you need to worry about coming off as “bossy big sister” unless you’re going to tell her how to do something. Here, it seems you’re actually looking for support from your sister.

   2. No advice, but commiseration. Both my brother in law and sister in law became like this when they had children. I swear they never listened to me for longer than a sentence without interrupting/allowing their kids to interrupt/being distracted until this year (their oldest is now six).

      It was mostly annoying because THEY would ask ME a question, and I’d start to answer and they’d promptly get distracted by something and then later come back with, I’m sorry, I asked you this, what were you saying? Cycle repeats.

   3. Could you preface the conversation with “I’m not really looking for advice, but I really just need to tell someone about this and get it out…”

      Beyond that, I’m afraid that I don’t have much helpful to contribute. I think your (and mom’s) idea of conversing when she’s by herself is great…If she is trying to converse, and is clearly multitasking/not paying the conversation enough attention, you can say something like, “how about we continue this later when we’re both less distracted.” That would give you time to digest and re-ground, especially if you became frustrated with her, but also, it might give her some time to both mull over the conversation, but also it will pick up when she’s better ready to pay attention.

      I feel like my suggestion is placing blame on you for a problem that sounds like it’s your sister’s, but I don’t mean it that way–you shouldn’t have to solve your sister’s listening issue, but you may be able ti guide the dialog in a direction that is more conducive to active and heartfelt listening?

   4. Repeat after me: You cannot change your sister’s behavior. All you can do is adjust your expectations.

      You definitely might have some luck with preg 3L’s suggestion, but in general, there’s little you can do to change another person’s behavior.

      1. Amen to that.

         My suggestion is you look elsewhere when you want to vent.

   5. I’ve learned that you can tell someone up front what you need from a conversation. They may or may not follow through with what you are looking for but I’ve found it helpful in many instances. I’ve said things along the lines of “I’d love your suggestions or ideas on how to handle this” or “I know I’ll need a solution at some point but I really just need to vent to you right now.” As someone on the other end, I think it can be helpful to hear what you need. It’s also fine to ask when you’re on that end of the conversation what the other person is looking for.

   6. Is your sister my sister? Now we’re sisters? Welcome to the family!

      In all seriousness, I have a very similar issue and the only thing that has worked at all is telling her up front that I’m only interested in venting and that the problem is beyond our grasp. Sometimes it helps if I ask very specific questions, e.g., “You’re great at gifts; what can I get Friend to comfort her, since you know Friend [loves to read, doesn’t drink tea, etc.].” That way, she still gets to play the Big Sister role of helping/fixing, but not the kind where she’s doling out advice.

      For my sister, at least, preg3L is spot on — she really wants to “prove” herself. While I feel that she ought to be able to perceive that this is not the time/place (nor is it needed with her younger sister who loves her no matter what) I don’t think she notices that’s what she’s doing and would benefit from the conversation starting with “Can I just vent to you? I don’t even want to think about fixing the problem; I just have to tell someone how frustrated I am!”

      1. “I don’t even want to think about fixing the problem; I just have to tell someone how frustrated I am!”

         This is great language – thanks very much. I’m positive she doesn’t realize what she’s doing, but maybe if I keep prefacing every conversation with something like this she’ll begin to feel the difference. Because if left un-directed, she always barges into “should” territory, which as the younger sibling makes me feel bossed around.

   7. Hi, I’m your sister. Except I am not a SAHM and only have one kid to distract me. I am a “problem solver” and have minimal patience for conversations like the one you described :( Will watch for thoughtful advise!

      1. Same! I get particularly frustrated when there are obvious solutions to the vents and the person venting wants no advice. I’m a problem solver. I’m working on just saying “that sounds annoying” or “that must be tough.” I also feel though, why would you want to tell me all of this if you don’t want my advice??

         1. Except minus the kid. I have a dog and cat to distract me.

         2. Thirded. I am actually actively trying to work on this because I know that sometimes I just need to shut up and listen and commiserate but I run out of things to say. How many times can I say, “that really sucks” or “wow, he’s such a jerk”? I am actively following this just to get other ideas on what to say. I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over again.

            1. I really appreciate the different perspectives on this thread. I have a very high tolerance for pure venting, and I think it’s because I’m nosy and just like to ask lots of questions out of sheer curiosity. I don’t know if this is helpful to anyone, but you might just try thinking of it as a story that the talker is telling you — or imagine you’re a reporter and you’re trying to glean as much information about the situation as possible. Also, when people really want to get it out, they probably don’t mind if you’re saying the same things over and over again.

               That said, though, I think if you’re not wired this way, it’s hard to fake it. I personally know when my friends who have different listening styles are trying to fake it with me, and it makes me uncomfortable, and I’ve learned that when I need to vent, I should tap other friends. You can’t help being the way you are.

      2. OP, I’m your big sister too (but with a full time job and one kid)!
         I cannot do long phone conversations these days, especially if they’re not about urgent things- and I might try to fix the problem in order to move on to another topic.
         I’d suggest trying other mediums such as texting or whatsapp. That way she can reply when she has a chance rather than being put on the spot. It also gives you the space to begin with your disclaimer “not urgent, just feeling sad that friend has to deal with x issues. need hugs.” or something along those lines so that she sees that you don’t need a solution.
         And if I were your sister, I wouldn’t mind being reminded that no solution is expected, in every conversation. I know its boring for you, but she may be relieved to hear that you’re just venting rather than looking for advice.

   8. I sound like your older sister. Being the oldest, that was my job, to help out my little siblings. They will always be “little” in my eyes. It took me a long time to realize that all my siblings want to hear is “that sucks!” and general commiseration. It took a huge blowout fights before I understood that’s what my sister needed from me.

      Now, I only offer advice when my brothers literally say, “Godzilla, what should I do?” or “Help me Godzilla!” There are rare circumstances when the sibs are doing something really dumb that I just have to jump in. But they are rare.

      I would recommend talking to your sister. There is a way to be direct but kind.

      1. Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!

         1. <3

      2. Yeah, maybe it’s just an older sibling thing. I definitely struggle with not giving advice to my younger siblings every time they vent.

         1. I’m the youngest, and a fixer. It takes all kinds of kinds.

      3. Your response gave me the lovely image of a whole family unit of little Godzillas. =)

         It is the unsolicited advice that grates on my nerves so I try to be clear when I just need to vent. But I also get tired of the idea that unless I explicitly tell her otherwise, she’s going to try to tell me what I could/should do. Our conversations are how we stay involved in each others’ lives, so I’m afraid if I tell her I want her to listen and not always advise, she’ll feel like I’m pushing her away. I haven’t yet been able to figure out how to “to be direct but kind” as you put it. I also see this situation escalating if/when I ever have kids, as I’ve heard from other friends that family members often unload a BOUNTY of unsolicited advice regarding personal child-rearing best-practices….

         1. You know, my siblings are VERY GOOD at ignoring my lecture mode. They just steamroll over whatever I’m saying if they don’t want to hear it. Is that something you can do? Just willfully ignore her advice? There is a huge emotional bond between sisters – even when you can’t stand each other, you love each other A LOT.

            The suggestion on using a different mode of communication makes sense. What about skype/video calls? She *has* to be focused on you and you can have more targeted attention. It might work out better than phone calls.

      4. My family does the distracted talking thing, too. I have found myself just steaming inside about to lose it at my mom when I can barely hear her and she’s not listening to me because she’s doing laundry or dishes or something. I love her dearly, so I’ve been working really hard at breathing, letting go of the anger, and just gently finding a way to get off the phone and end the conversation. I realized I’d rather not have the conversation than spend it and the hours after being angry and frustrated, and have her feel bad when she realizes I’m angry.

         But I feel like it’s just not easy to stay close long distance only using the phone. :o(

   9. Sorry to be the contrarian.

      I’m the “sister” in this relationship, except I work full time, and the conversation you want to have would drive me up the wall. Some people, man or woman, just don’t have the patience (or time) for a long-winded vent session with no resolution in sight, esp about a friend of a friend. That doesn’t make me a bad listener or bad sister or bad female.

      Not to mention, I would be beyond annoyed with your attitude of “If Sister would just change to suit my needs, our relationship would be just fine!” Maybe turn to someone else for your venting sessions, and figure out how to have a relationship with the person she is NOW, not the person you wish she would be.

      1. +1

      2. I agree but it doesn’t seem like OP is doing this every day. Once a week/month? Small price of admission in my book.

         1. Agree with Godzilla. Your response was a little harsh. Basically, you’re saying you don’t have the time to do what the other person needs, which is just to listen. I mean, at some point it might become a real burden, but you can listen to a three-minute vent session once a week if that’s what she needs.

            1. Fair enough, and I’m working to be a little more open to venting from the people I care about. I was focusing on the OP, who didn’t seem to focus on what her sister needed at all.

               But I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a venting call that was only three minutes. I could probably suck it up if it was three minutes, even if it was the same vent as last week! (Another pet peeve of mine.)

      3. +1 to what R said. I’m not great at listening to people vent (and neither is my mom) so its definitely not just a male/female thing. That said, if it was a friend or close family member that was in a bad situation and wanted to vent, I’d definitely make an effort to be there for them. But not wanting to listen to your sister vent about your sister’s friend’s problems? Totally reasonable, I think. Find someone else to vent to and focus on other things with your sister. And I feel like the tone of your comment that you need to somehow “fix” her or that your way of talking through things is better than hers is pretty arrogant. You have different styles of communication and different ways of dealing with problems. It doesn’t make hers better or worse than yours, just different. I may be inferring this incorrectly, but I also get the sense that you seem to think because she doesn’t work full time she should have more time on her hands to listen to you vent about your problems — if so, I can understand why she’s quite put off by that attitude. Taking care of 2 young kids is a fulltime job and she may be just as busy as you (FWIW, I don’t have kids but I’ve seen some friendships between non-parents and SAHM moms end because the people who didn’t have kids assumed the SAHM moms did nothing all day and had endless time on their hands, when in fact the opposite was true).

      4. Agreed. She is not a bad listener bc you call her at a time convenient for you–your lunch hour–which may be her busy time with kids. And unless your friend is terribly ill or something and you need comfort, the conversation you’ve described would drive me crazy too. Why should your sister care about how a person she has never met is holding up about a problem that has nothing to do with your sister??

   10. I mean, she could just as easily be writing “I wish I could just get my little sister to listen to me! She calls and whines and when I offer suggestions she just ignores them! I’m busy why is she bothering me if she doesn’t care what I have to say.”

       I think you need to a) ask her if it’s a good time to talk, b) let her know when you’re just venting, and c) remember to be flexible too.

       1. +1
          (and + 1 million on asking if it’s a good time to talk, that is a pet peeve of mine)

2. Hi everyone, so I’ve been working in finance for the past 3 years since graduating. I’ve

   Now reached a plateau where I can’t be promoted without having an advanced degree. I believe this is just the culture of my team/firm but I wanted to get your opinion on whether or not an MBA is worth the time and money. At one point in time (and sometimes now) I had doubts about my career choice. I thought about going back for a teaching degree or even into nursing. I just want to do something meaningful in my life while making a decent living. My parents think I’m a failure and losing direction in my life because it seems that I’m giving up on an MBA and the corporate world in general. I know it seems prestigious but there has to be more to life than just making money, right?

   1. I know where you’re coming from. BUT you might be just as frustrated in teaching or nursing, and you have no way of knowing for sure in advance. “Just making money” helps you support a future family and save for retirement – things not to be taken lightly. Can you get involved with volunteer or charitable activities in which you feel you make a difference? If you really feel strongly about a career change, have you considered a sabbatical (formal or informal) in which you can explore a possible change in a hands-on way?

   2. My standard MBA advisory: It’s not really worth getting unless you go to one of the Top 10 schools. The cachet is in the name and the network, not the “quality” of the classroom education. The one exception is if your company is paying and will give you a promotion just by dint of of having those three letters on your resume.

      On your concerns, the MBA is actually a pretty flexible degree and a good time in your life to explore options. I had many classmates explore all sorts of “meaningful” ventures from social enterprise to education to hospital administration. Honestly, the academic part of the MBA is very light compared to law/med school. People are very busy, but they’re busy doing whatever they’re passionate about (a startup, a charity, etc.), not school work. The other thing to think about is that you can go into education or healthcare industries with an MBA. You won’t be a nurse (although I guess you could still be a teacher), but you could be in hospital admin. If you get a nursing degree, you are kind of stuck using it to be a nurse, which is great if that’s what you definitely want to do.

   3. Work somewhere else in Finance. Different companies have different requirements for promotion. See if it’s truly finance that you hate, or just finance at your company. I hated my first job in finance but loved my next three.

      If you’re serious about the career change, find a way to volunteer and get experience. Ask your local hospital or school for ways to get involved. Even supervising an after-school program or helping with elder care is a great way to determine if you’ll like those types of roles.

      I don’t have an MBA and don’t plan to. It’s not worth the cash outlay (Even if a company pays for it, it’s taxable income and you’re usually indebted to them for X years. Yes, sometimes a recruiting company will pay your penalty for you, but that’s not as likely in the post-recession world.) for a very marginal increase in skills. Develop your network, get training/certs in whatever niche of Finance appeals to you, and learn how to play the political game. Very often, those things will get you promoted more so than an MBA.

   4. My DH works in finance and reached the same crossroads. He is getting his master’s in finance part-time in the evenings and gets some tuition repayment from his company. Could you go that route? It’s only 33 credits rather than the standard 45 for an MBA in finance.

3. I LOVE these shoes.

   1. They kind of remind me of a pair of tan suede shoes that I bought when I had dinner for the first time with my boyfriend’s mother in 1990. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I wouldn’t buy them again.

      1. I’ve realized that this shape of shoe, inc. heel height, is basically my ideal work shoe. I can run around all day while still being relatively comfortable and because they’re pointy and the heel is slim, I don’t feel frumpy in them. Now my goal is to basically own as many variations on this theme as possible.
         I recently bought these in black and now considering getting them in pink (hard to beat the $30 price): http://www.6pm.com/joan-david-7gila-dark-pink-patent

         1. AIMS, thank you, I go by the same shoe theory and didn’t realize how badly I wanted a pair of pink patent leather ones! But I do, and I bought them, and it totally made my (raining, depressing) day!

         2. Oh but I love the Gila in the pink patent! I think it’s just the tan suede.

   2. Me too. I recently got rid of most of my 4 inch heels and only wear shoes of this height.

4. Have people seen this video? http://lifehacker.com/25-different-ways-to-wear-a-scarf-in-one-5-minute-vide-1497868372 25 ways to wear a scarf, plus aside from the content video is super clever. Always saying more accessories are great for travel because less space way to get variety but even better when you can wear so many ways!

5. Hi all,
   A friend of mine has decided to really focus on losing weight and getting in shape this year, and has asked our group of friends to be involved and supportive. I (embarrassingly) have yet to buy her a holiday present, and so I was thinking of a subscription to a fitness/health magazine subscription. However, I know nothing about which one she might like-any ideas for a 25 yo woman who doesn’t really cook very much (or very well, which she would be the first to admit!). Any recommendations or personal favorites would be appreciated-TIA!

   1. I like Self if you’re looking for magazine recommendations

   2. I like Self as well.

      If you’d consider gifting a book, The New Rules of Lifting for Women: Lift Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess was recommended by another Corpor3tt3. If she’s joined a gym or has expressed interest in strength training, it would be a good resource.

      1. I prefer the Women’s Health Big Book of Exercises.

   3. I know you mean well, but I’d encourage you to reconsider your gift. It can be really discouraging to someone trying to lose weight to look at images of other bodies that seem unattainable – or alternatively, you don’t want to encourage the whole “thinspiration” mentality, which can encourage disordered eating. Instead, can you think of any workout DVDs, exercise equipment, or workout playlists (or a membership to Spotify so she can stream the music) that she would enjoy? Or maybe a gift card to Whole Foods or another store that offers healthy food? That way it’s more about supporting the goals that *she* wants to achieve, vs. throwing others’ goals in her face.

      1. I have to second this. I’m just starting back up on a fitness regime after several years of being too sick to work out regularly. The fitness magazines are full of really thin, fit looking women (who I will never resemble) and frequently pretty questionable medical and eating advice.

         I would recommend a “whole foods” type cookbook maybe? I have one at home I really like, but the name is completely escaping me right now. I can check back in later with the name if you want (and I remember).

         1. I agree for the most part, but I always found Runners’ World to be inspiring. It has the usual fitness models, but it’s geared toward men and women, and I always felt that the articles were about *running* not about being thin. Also, the food articles were all about good nutrition and not about cutting calories. If she’s not planning to take up running that doesn’t help, but maybe a magazine geared toward an activity she’s said she wants to learn/do more of/etc.

            1. This leads me to a recommendation against Outside (I used to read Outside and Runners World all the time, so TBK’s post reminded me of it). I stopped awhile ago because it seemed increasingly geared towards men–female athletes posing with not much clothing, reviews of mostly men’s gear (plus in one article they photographed all the items they were reviewing in bubble wrap so I couldn’t even see what they looked like…I think this was my final straw).

               What about getting her a gift card to a store where she can buy nice workout clothes (Athleta, Lululemon, City Sports…depends on what’s nearby). Or you could pick out something and give that to her with a gift receipt.

         2. Mayo Clinic cook book! Everything in it is delicious & healthy and not terribly hard to make.

      2. I third this. Thinspiration and fitspiration are the devil, and fitness magazines are chalk full of that stuff.

         A gift certificate to Athleta or Lululemon would be much better: I am always much more motivated to workout if I’m already feeling fashionable, comfortable, and attractive.

   4. I’m a fan of Experience Life

   5. If she’s interested in at least learning to cook, or mastering some basic recipes/sharpen her kitchen skills, I’d suggest The Can’t Cook Book. I am a complete cooking novice and my mom got me the book for Christmas. It’s really helpful to those of who don’t quite know our way around the kitchen yet. I too am trying to eat better/cook at home more, and the book has quite a few healthy recipes (sauteed spinach – yes, some of us have to be taught how to make this, roast chicken, flavorful salads).

   6. You know – I just thought of another idea that would be really fun if you were up for it. Get a couple gift cards/class vouchers for a local zumba place or barre class or something – but specifically get them so you two can go together. I know one of the keys to working out regularly is having someone to keep you honest – plus it could be fun! You can go out for a healthy brunch afterwards.

      I obviously have no idea about your level of fitness or if you live near her or anything, but its an idea to consider.

      1. +1 This is the best idea that I would want.

6. Random rant: Why is it that whenever I get the okay to work from home for the day, big meetings come up that I wish I were there to attend?! I bet if I’d actually gone into the office today, I’d have sat there twiddling my thumbs…Murphy’s Law of remote working…sigh…

   1. Hug’s to you. Unfortuneately, I NEVER can work from home b/c we have terible internet conectivity, which MIGHT change when we move to new office’s soon. Right now, I have to do things thru my MACBOOK AIR b/c no one has laptops. FOOEY! When we move to the new place, the manageing partner said we will all be getting new laptops which he wants us to take home at night and work remotely. He also has purchased a WIRELESS ROOTER for the office that he will allow us to access REMOTELY! YAY if it works. The one we have NOW is NOT very useful for my Apple machine, and often cut’s me off. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      I also have to go to court and the manageing partner let’s me use my iphone, but starting Feburuary 1, I will be geting a BLACKBERRY and must use it. He outvoted me and 2 other partner’s that agreed with me that I should be abel to use my iphone, but b/c he has a supermajority vote, what the manageing partner wants NO ONE CAN OVERRULE. TRIPEL FOOEY!

      The judge like’s the new guy and told him he would marry me if he were 30 year’s younger, and told him to date me. FOOEY, b/c I would NEVER date a guy I was workeing with. Dad agree’s! YAY!!!!

7. Thanks for all of the input yesterday morning, ladies! I registered for the 4-credit class and I’m really glad about it.

   1. Yay! I had a busy 3L and was so glad for my 4 credit class. I took Evidence, so it was even better in that there were CDs and summary books on the subject to help when I couldn’t make to class.

8. So, I realize this is probably a weird situation, but I can’t figure out how to fix this/make this go away. I wanted to see if anyone else has gone through this and can make me feel less crazy about the whole thing.

   My wonderful BF and I have been dating for almost three years (we’ve lived together for one). For the last nine-twelve months, I’ve been ready for him to propose, but due to a few factors (work, personal stuff, money), it was never the right time, so I was patient and waited for things to work themselves out and enjoyed our relationship as it was. Things were great (FWIW, a “me proposing to him” situation would not have worked in our relationship). This December, he asked me to go look at rings with him, and mentioned that he plans on proposing in the first few months of this year. Awesome, right?!

   Except for the fact that ever since I picked out a setting I liked and he told me he was going to start the ring-buying process, I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster. I went through a few days of irrational panic (ie – Are we really going to get engaged?! What if we get a divorce?! I don’t want to be divorced! What if we hate each other in twenty years?!), which fortunately, after some introspection and self-evaluation and chats with good friends, went away. Now I’m oscillating between ridiculous anticipation for him to propose and feeling somewhat rejected, like he doesn’t love me enough because, if he did, he would have proposed already , which I realize is irrational and ridiculous. It’s so weird, though – I went from happy-go-lucky-normal-relatively-calm girlfriend to an emotional trainwreck once a possible proposal entered the picture (a proposal I’ve been looking forward to, at that!).

   I’ve never liked change, even good change, and I’m naturally a more anxious person, so I attribute some of my weirdness to those aspects of my personality. It’s frustrating, because I feel like this should be an exciting, fun time in my life and in our relationship and all I want is for it to be over. This is a GOOD thing, so why can’t I just enjoy it and not worry about it?

   Did anyone else go through some pre-engagement weirdness or turmoil?

   1. Yeah, that’s basically me right now. My boyfriend of many years indicated he was looking at rings in the fall. It’s now January and I have no idea what his timeline is at all. I’m going back and forth between anticipating it and almost dreading it because of the change it will bring. We’ve been together for so long that it’s hard to imagine such a significant change in our “status,” even though it’s what we both want. Basically, I get exactly where you’re coming from!

   2. I tend to go through a panic attack whenever I make any life decision. It happened with law school, it happened when Mr. AIMS and I were moving in together, it happens with every new pet (“this thing is going to live an average of 15 years! I will be X years old then, I don’t even know where I’ll be at that age, how can I know if I’ll have room for a cat in my life, what did I just sign up for?” etc., etc.) What helps me is just viewing it as a normal thing I do that passes. I have enough experience with myself now that I know this is just something that I do and it’s always something that is perfectly fine that I react this way towards, so I just give myself permission to have a little freak out – which of course helps to calm me down so I stop thinking about it.

   3. I completely understand! When I was in a similar situation–engagement was eminent but just hadn’t happened *yet*–I was hot and cold for the same reasons. What helped me was when he reassured me he had a plan, and I knew it would happen by X date. Now, he wasn’t thrilled about having an “X” date and felt like it took away some of the surprise, but it did ease my nerves. I will note that we were in a unique situation where having a set “X” date for engagement made sense, and having that kind of a date doesn’t work for everyone. At the root of it, what made me feel better was simply knowing he had a plan and it was his intention to propose/get married (knowing a deadline wasn’t key). So, I guess it sounds like you’re not “positive” he is going to do it, even if you know it’s pretty certain. I’d suggest simply reassuring yourself that he wouldn’t take you to pick out a ring if he wasn’t dead serious. You know him, trust he has a plan. If you need some reassurance, I’d talk to him about it and just say something like “I don’t need to know it, but I just want to know you have a plan.”

   4. Um…would it help if you just thought of yourself as *already* engaged? In my book, once you’ve (a) discussed getting engaged and (b) gone and picked out the ring, you’re basically engaged. The proposal is just a formality/romantic story to tell the grandkids. But seriously, you’re engaged. Stop worrying about that part and buy yourself a wedding magazine to squirrel away in your underwear drawer.

      Also -on another front – have you considered just telling your fiance (oops I mean boyfriend) that a surprise engagement might not be for you? If you are prone to anxiety and the waiting and anticipation is aggravating that, well, you should tell him. Maybe you two can come up with a romantic, sweet proposal plan between the two of you that satisfies his desire to do the asking while settling your anxiety. Like planning a proposal trip or a proposal weekend at a hotel in your home town or whatever. Then he gets to plan the details, but you know its going to happen.

   5. Based on our sample size, this is a common problem. We recommend heading over to A Practical Wedding, reading every post tagged “pre-engaged” and spending an evening with Style Me Pretty and a bottle of wine.

      1. I love you. Marry me.

      2. This made me laugh out loud, so yes, I will probably take your prescribed course of action.

      3. Me, three! I commented in an earlier thread about something similar (if a bit hairier). I probably should have added that I’ve been feeling impatient ever since he brought up the ring search a few months back. I didn’t want to do it if it wasn’t 100% for real (I said “This feels presumptuous,” and he replied, “um, it’s not presumptuous if I’m asking you to go look at rings.”).

         I think anxiety and doubt is normal–I think it’s just talking about it that is less so (people love to pretend everything is perfect). I recommend you just keep doing gut checks that this is what you want and try to enjoy it. I know I wish I could!

      4. Why do we have to wait for these weenies to propose to us? We are giving them everything they want and then we hold back like little wallflowers waiting for them to ask us? We should simply not be fearful of saying something along these lines:

         “Look, we’ve been together for [INSERT # of MONTHS/YEARS] and I am not getting any younger. I’ve given you everything (well almost), and more importantly, you are the guy I love, for better or worse, and believe me, we’ve been through a lot together, and I think we are better off together than not.

         Therefore, I think it’s time for us to be married. I do not like being up in the air like this on this issue, and if we are married, we will be able to have benefits heretofore unknown to both of us. Our kids will be legitimate, our names will not be confusing, we will not have to explain ourselves as boyfriend or girlfriend at age 70 (if we ever get there), so let’s get it over with already. Marry me you fool and you’ll have a night in bed you will never forget. This offer will expire if not accepted within the next 15 minutes!:

      5. Thank you.

   6. yes yes yes, this was me. i came to realize something really important, that this reaction was much more about me and the way that i react to change, uncertainty and lack of control than anything to do with the relationship or the guy i was planning to marry.

      i did get engaged and was recently married. for what it’s worth, i’ve never been more sure or happy, and very much enjoyed being engaged. i was a total nutcase around engagement time though.

   7. Uh, I tried to dump my husband when we were on the verge of getting engaged because I was so panicked. (Actually, I did dump him. We stayed broken up for 45 min, during which I sobbed hysterically – after a whole weekend of sobbing hysterically thinking I was about to break up with him – and after which we were back together because I realized I was a total and complete idiot and was thinking about throwing away the best thing that had ever happened to me. Yeah. Not proud of any of that.) These things are fueled by pure emotion and really basic fears and needs, so rationality goes right out the window. I like TCFKAG’s approach.

   8. yup I went through something similar when we looked at rings this fall. I think it’s all part of your identity changing it becoming “real”. It’s not that you don’t want to marry the person, it’s just that it is now imminent and it’s a big deal! We got engaged about 1-2 months after ring shopping, and being engaged made me very introspective about my life and who I used to be vs who I am now. All good thoughts, it just makes you think. Just relax and try to keep busy so you aren’t obsessing over him proposing.

      1. I read another c’r3tt3 commentary that once you get engaged/married you’re like “OMG YOU LEFT DIRTY SOCKS OUT THIS IT THE REST OF MY LIFE I’LL DIE A HOARD OF DIRTY SOCKS” so don’t assume that becoming permanent will be less stressful.

9. This is another strange question. I ordered some pink lip gloss based on a rec by Gal Meets Glam. She had a picture of herself with it on, and it was the most beautiful color. So I wore it for the first time today, and it doesn’t look at all like it does on her! It’s just really, really sheer, whereas on her, it looked pretty bright. Is that just a matter of my lips starting from a different color than hers do? Is there anything I can do about that?

   1. This is the page where she made the recommendation. I bought the one at the bottom right:

      http://galmeetsglam.com/2014/01/four-cant-live-without-lip-colors/comment-page-1/#comments

      Any tips for other gloss that looks like that? Or how I can get this color to look like that?

      Incidentally, I also bought the one on the bottom left, and I adore it.

      1. It’s probably your coloring. Do you have warm or olive tones that are cancelling out the pink? Try it with a pink lip liner and/or apply concealer to your lips before applying the gloss. I do the concealer thing a lot to get the true color of a lipstick.

      2. I wouldn’t rule out photoshop as (at least part of) the reason why it looks so different on her.

         Maybe take the picture to Sephora and ask an associate to help you find something similar?

   2. Makeup will look differently on everyone based upon their own natural coloring. You can alter how the color appears with lip liner.

      1. Yep. My mom and I look very similar, but somehow our coloring is different enough that the same shade of lipstick looks much darker on me.

10. First, thank you to the person who recommended Spa Castle near JFK — it was great for our long layover. Next question — I am going to Paris with a friend who loves consignment/vintage shopping. Does anyone have recommendations?

    1. Not specifically, but check out the Born to Shop series. I remember it including several stores of that type the last time I used one.

11. I just got diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes (again). I have 5 months of low-carb meals to look forward to. Last pregnancy, I ate the same things over and over and got so sick of them.

    Can anyone suggest easy, diabetic friendly breakfast and dinner recipes? Or suggest a good place to find them?

    Thanks!

    1. There’s magazine called ‘Diabetic Cooking’ that might be worth checking out.

    2. check nomnompaleo’s blog. It’s paleo based (by nature low carb). I can recommend several dishes from that site (or the app she has): stuffed mushrooms (stuffed with shrimp, bacon, green onion, reminds me of chinese dumplings, which I love), green chicken, thai style omelet (has fish sauce in it), zuchinni noodles and meatballs (I don’t even miss wheat/flour spaghetti any longer).

    3. Are you on Pinterest? You might try searching for low carb ideas on there (plus some magazines put nearly their entire recipe catalogs on there). I’ve found some really good recipes that way.

    4. I’m sorry to completely jack your thread, and to rant, but I also was diagnosed with GD and I am So. Over. It. I watch what I eat and I test my blood sugar 4 times a day and I have learned nothing from this process. OK I’ve learned two things: rice is really bad; bagels are kind of bad. But otherwise my blood sugar seems random and only somewhat related to what I put in my mouth. It’s rarely above 130 an hour after I eat. Mornings are always below 100. What the heck am I doing this for?

       Today my endo told me I had to start injecting insulin, and I basically laughed in her face. Yes, I can lower my risk, but at some point the incremental risk lowering is outweighed by the annoyance to me. And it’s not like if I follow this diet and inject myself every day I am guaranteed a nice smooth vaginal delivery – I could have a 7 lb breech baby, etc.

       At this point I am 95% convinced that this is just another way for the health care industry to make money off my pregnancy (you have GD! Now you get 5 extra ultrasounds, go see an endo, and use this handy blood monitor!) and A LOT of CYA on the part of the doctors.

       1. Agreed! At least last time I only had to endure 8 weeks of GD – this time it’s going to drive me crazy. Although if I don’t follow my meal plan, my #s definitely shoot up, and I gain less weight this way.

          I can’t believe they’re trying to put you on insulin injections with your #s. Why wouldn’t they at least start out with the oral pill? Or nothing at all since it seems like you’ve got it under control?

          I’m going to get callouses from all the lancing. Last pregnancy they let me test every other day once it was clear that I could keep my #s under control with diet.

          Good luck!

    5. When I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, I struggled to find recipes. One change I made that might help was to focus on making sure I got all the recommended servings of fruit and vegetables, followed by eating my protein/meat. Much of the time, I end up full before I get to the carbs, but I still “had” them so it “feels” like I got them.

12. my mom was just given her last rights. and i cant get on a plane until tomorrow morning. i am just sad.

    1. Hugs and rawrs

    2. Oh, that’s awful. I’m so sorry. Treat yourself well.

    3. So sorry.

    4. Our posts crossed otherwise I would have replied to you. You put my issue in perspective. I’m so very sorry. Is there someone there you can call and speak to her through the phone? They could put you on speaker or hold the phone to her ear. You are in my thoughts.

    5. If the issue is the airline and not your schedule, call the airline. They might let you try to get out tonight standby. They may also offer other passengers compensation to bump for you. This is pre-9/11 but I remember flying BOS — ATL on Delta and a gate agent announcing “This is a full flight. I have a standby passenger trying to get home for a family emergency. If someone is willing to give up their seat, we will put you on the next available flight and give you $250 towards a future delta flight.” I was very moved because while I was considering the ramifications of giving up my seat at least 10 people jumped up and offered theirs.

       I hope your mom hangs in there until you get there. I’m so sorry.

    6. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine. You have my deepest sympathy.

    7. I’m so very sorry. I second the advice to call the airline, but if you can’t make it, I find it helpful to remember that it’s not the last moments that define your relationship with your mom, but rather an entire lifetime. It may not work for you, but that thought has helped me in similar circumstances.

       Big, big internet hugs.

       1. “remember that it’s not the last moments that define your relationship with your mom, but rather an entire lifetime.” This is beautiful. Thank you.
          OP, I wish you peace in the days to come.

    8. Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Try to allow yourself to feel how you’re feeling.

    9. I am so sorry – you have my deepest sympathies.

    10. I’m so sorry.

        1. I am so sorry. I’ve done that with my mother when she passed. I was able to get on the plane the night it happened but we got diverted due to weather and didn’t get to her until the morning. She hung on till I arrived and passed 10 min after her I saw her. People have amazing abilities.

        2. Me too. Hug’s and I am so sorry also. Your mom knows you love her no matter what.
           + 10000.

    11. I am so sorry.

    12. I’m very sorry. Many peaceful thoughts.

    13. I’m so sorry–what awful news. I’ll be holding good thoughts for you.

    14. I’m so sorry I missed this last night, and I hope you get/got there in time, anon-oh-no. Big hugs from an internet stranger.

13. I have to terminate someone in the very near future. It is for cause – they are at-will, I’ve got the legal stuff covered. I’m just anxious about actually doing it. Two of us are actually doing it. Tips from those that have been there – on either side of the table?

    1. It really really really really really really sucks. I’ve only had to do it once. Every time I started to feel anxious, I would recall the many second and third chances she got to change her behavior, and the fact that she chose not to do it. I ended up framing it in my mind that SHE made the choice not to do what is necessary and therefore to not work for me anymore. By terminating, I was just carrying out HER choice.

       Also advice I got from my dad – do the termination in a room with an outside door, if possible. You never know who will go ballistic and the easier their exit is, the better.

    2. I like to yell, “You’re Fired!” and snicker at them.

    3. Yep, I’ve done it a few times and it sucks. You sound like you followed a process, so you briefly outline the steps (warnings given, etc.), and go right into what happen next (any severance, turning in company property etc.)

       As much as it sucks, in my experience the anticipation is worse than the actual meeting.

    4. Have tissues. When I got terminated (not for cause but still), I cried. I’m not ashamed to admit it. The two partners who were doing it gave me time to calm down (sort of) and we talked a bit about the “why”s afterwards. If it is for-cause and she asks why, be as honest as you can be. But honestly, if she’s been given warnings and not changed her behavior, you’re not going to convince her at this meeting that she wasn’t a good employee. So don’t try – just rip the band-aid off and let her react as she is going to react. Does that make sense?

    5. I’ve unfortunately had to fire a couple of people. I would be compassionate but matter of fact. If there is something that the person can do to improve going forward, and you think they would be receptive to hearing it, I would also offer that feedback. I would also come prepared to answer questions regarding severance package, if you are going to fight their unemployment, etc.

       I think the best you can hope for in these situations is to be fast and not-unkind.

    6. I’ve done it. Do it at the end of the day. Sit the person down, close the door, say “Joe/Jane, as you know XYZ thing happened and it is in violation of ABC policy/it just isn’t something we are going to recover from. I’m sorry, but we are going to have to let you go.”

       Then you explain what the logistics are going to be: “Here is your severance check. Security Guard Joe will accompany you while you pack your stuff and will escort you out of the building.” Or “Your last day will be February 1 and we will have a final check for you on that day.” If you can give him/her a memo with things like final day, date of exit interview, etc, that will be helpful because he/she will probably not remember the details.

       Good luck. It sucks but you will live.

    7. I’ve had to terminate a few people and it’s never fun. There’s a lot of conflicting advice on the internet about how to handle a termination meeting. Google it and adopt what works best for you. What worked for me:

       Do it in her office or a conference room or anywhere not your office so you can get up and leave at the end of the meeting. That way you’re not sitting in your office waiting for her to get up and leave.

       Assuming no security issues, leave the room afterwards and give her some privacy to gather her things and leave.

       Do it at a time when not a lot of people are around so that if she is embarrassed or crying, she doesn’t have to face all of her (former) co-workers on her way out. If using a conference room, put tissues in there ahead of time.

       Lay out very clearly that she is fired/terminated/no longer works for the company. Using euphemistic language like “not working out” or “need to go our separate ways” can leave her (wishfully) thinking that this is still a talk about how she needs to improve so that she don’t get fired. Be clear that she is fired, and that her employment terminated immediately (or effective x date).

       Tell her very clearly what her final compensation will be, when she will receive it, and anything related to benefits. Have the same information in a letter to give to her so that she can review it again later when she’s a little calmer.

       Tell her what people can expect to hear if they call you to confirm her employment in the future (that she worked here x dates, whether you will say that she was fired or simply confirm dates, etc.)

       Don’t go into specific reasons about why she’s being fired. Stay general. If you’ve been managing her well, she already knows exactly why because you’ve already spoken to her about it many times and given her the opportunity to address issues. Also, listing specific issues invites her defending herself and arguing about it. You’ve already decided she’s being dismissed, period.

       As you’re about to leave, shake her hand, thank her for her work and wish her luck in the future. Think of your attitude during the interview as having to give her bad news for which she is not responsible (like a car accident, death of a friend, etc.), rather than punitive or scolding like getting rid of her because she is such a bad employee. Most likely, she is responsible for getting fired, but the meeting will go smoother if you don’t approach it with that attitude.

       Good luck!

    8. Close the door. Have tissues and a bottle of water for them. Get to the point directly. Allow them to ask questions but don’t argue about the decision. I’ve had to do this more than I wanted to and mostly the anticipation was WAY worse than doing the actual deed. Good luck.

    9. I had to do it too. It really helped me to have a script planned and to have another person there, not to speak, but just for support (and legal reasons).

       I tried to slow down, keep my voice strong and firm and be straightforward as possible.

       Even though others may suggest otherwise, Ask a Manager has a post on this and you may find it helpful.

14. PSA about Lands End cashmere since I missed the post yesterday.

    They are not what they used to be. The cashmere that I bought DH last year for Christmas looks awful. The front is pilled/matted and it has three holes. It is much worse shape than our 10 to 15 year old Lands End cashmere sweaters.

    Yes, we could technically return the sweater but I just feel weird since it is a year old. That having been said, we will never buy another one. I bought DH a cashmere/cotton mix sweater from Eddie Bauer this Christmas instead.

    1. The more posts I read like this, the more convinced I am to just switch to used items off ebay/thrift stores. Everything I buy now is so cheap and crappy for the same brands and the same or more money, whereas I have stuff from 10 years ago that still looks great.

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