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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 106 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Merona Tote with Pouch

Coffee Break |

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I love the really bright, happy yellow of this tote from Target. I haven't seen a yellow bag like this in a while — I like the tassel detail and the fact that the center is removable and becomes a little purse on its own. This bag is getting good reviews so far and is only $45. It comes in gray, pink, and the lovely mustard yellow. Merona Tote with Pouch Right now you can save $15 when you spend $75 at Target on select clothing, shoes, and accessories. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

  1. Becca

    Hi everyone! I was wondering if any of you had recommendations for therapists in the DC area? I used to see someone in college (and currently see a psychiatrist, so I don’t need someone that can prescribe too). Ideally it would be someone with evening hours. Thanks!

  2. anon

    Love this! I adore yellow but find it impossible to wear, so a cute bag would be perfect.

    • Ellen

      I do also, but I worry that it is NOT genunie LEATHER. Dad says NEVER to buy PLEATHER or something OTHER then REAL 100% genueine LEATHER b/c it will NOT last. I think he is right b/c mom bought some cheap plastic clutch that disintegrated once it got wet. She paid $25 for it, and a leather one would have been $30. So she got screwed, Dad told her. Dad is so much smarter then the rest of us b/c he is MENSA eligibel, but none of us (including Ed) were EVER invited to join MENSA other then Dad, and dad tuned them down. YAY for Dad!

  3. cultural appropriation?

    With so many summery clothes and Coachella styles coming out, I’m seeing some discussion about cultural appropriation and realizing I was hearing this debate last year too, as the styles tend to have Indian or African tribal prints, dream catchers, etc.

    Where’s the line between “we’re a nation that’s a melting pot and we’re just appreciating cultures/ it’s just a design” vs. cultural appropriation?

    • Anonymous

      IDK

      If we can eat the food, can we not wear the clothes? I think we borrow a lot more in our diets than we do in our closets.

      • Anonymous

        Because it’s not just wearing another culture’s clothes. We’re not talking about a white chick wearing a sari she bought for a friend’s wedding. We’re talking about people who can’t be bothered to open a book taking something that has specific religious or cultural significance – like a Native American headdress – and cheapening it by wearing it as a fun edgy fashion statement. Imagine if someone took communion wafers and a goblet of wine and tossed them around to all their drunk friends. Some things are meant to be respected.

        • Anonymous

          Funny how Coachella now has its own level of #festivalbasic

          And then there’s #burningmanbasic

          I guess if you want to stand out, wear something from LL Bean.

      • nutella

        I believe the difference is because food is made to be eaten and enjoyed no matter who is consuming it. Fashion, however, can have spiritual significance, which is why it would be culturally insensitive to eat communion wafers as a snack or wear a cardinal’s hat as a fashion statement. There is also something a bit icky about picking and choosing the cultural markers of an oppressed group of people to be worn by white people at a concert for the fun of it when there are thousands of other types of clothing to be worn.

        • Anonymous

          But where do you draw the line? Because it used to be just something that well-travelled people did (e.g.., buy and wear a caftan) and now because it’s mass produced and worn by drunk college students it’s offensive? I agree with the premise that it can be offensive but I think sometimes we are going overboard in labeling everything as offensive.

          • Laura

            Here’s the thing… it’s really not up to you to say who can and cannot be offended by someone mimicking their culture. As to your original question, the line is when you have to ask. See, the problem with cultural appropriation is not that you think something is pretty and so you wear it, it is far deeper than that. As others have already pointed out, some things have spiritual significance and shouldn’t be flaunted for fashion purposes. With other styles, however, society-at-large has a habit of characterizing certain styles as ghetto, low-class and unacceptable in public settings. That is, of course, until whites start wearing the exact same style and then all of a sudden it’s the newest, hippest trend splashed all over the fashion mags with someone white being given the credit for creating this edgy new style. This usually offends black women more than other groups because it happens with regularity to them and attribution is rarely, if ever, given. There’s a meme floating around the web that goes something like this, “cultural appropriation is when you work hard on a project and get an F, but someone copies your work and they get an A.” Imagine that happening to you– repeatedly– and people telling you that you’re going overboard when you protest. There are enough mainstream fashions for you to embrace without dipping into ethnic styles simply because you like them.

    • AnonyMom

      Interesting question. As an Indian-American, I don’t think prints or even styles (e.g. kurti-style tunics) are offensive appropriations. They are just adapting fashion, IMHO. But stuff like wearing a bindi, which has religious significance, is problematic.

      In general, I find myself to be more uncomfortable when people take clothes/styles directly from another culture and wear them incorrectly than I do when they take patterns/colors/styles but adapt them to be worn with “Western” clothes/styles.

    • Anonymous

      Coachella stuff is that big of a thing? I don’t think stuff work mainly by 20-somethings at a music festival is stuff to take seriously.

  4. Open-top bags like this

    For open-top bags like this, what do you carry loose in it?

    I carry a clutch now, but need a larger bag b/c I can’t read restaurant menus / bills without my glasses at night anymore. Do I bag up things that are currently loose in my clutch? I don’t want my personal items (or even things like floss) floating around to be seen (or spill out).

    I almost want to toss the clutch into the tote, but that is too heavy b/c they’re both leather.

    • Shopaholic

      I use different pouches for everything, so nothing is really floating loose in my bag. I have my wallet, sunglasses case, card case, pouch with all my random purse items

      • Anonymous

        I do the same thing Shopaholic does. It’s really made a big difference, and makes it easy to decide what to bring when I do use a smaller purse or handbag (like on the weekends or at night).

      • tesyaa

        Similarly, I carry bigger items loose but I have one pouch to hold multiple small items such as floss.

    • Meg March

      I have multiple pouches, so nothing is floating loose, really. I have a wallet, glasses case, card case, kindle, pouch with “regular” personal items (things I use frequently– lipstick, compact, bobby pins, headphones), pouch with “emergency” personal items (bandaids, eyeliner, safety pins), plastic envelope for receipts. My keys and phone are the only “loose” items and I tuck them in the small inner pockets. My advice if you go with this method is to use different textures and colors, which makes it easy to identify the right item if you’re digging around. My wallet is suede, kindle case leather, one pouch is vinyl, the other canvas, etc.

    • Works for me.

      I keep my tiny purse in my big purse, like nesting dolls, so i never have to switch stuff in and out.

      • Parfait

        I do this too. The only problem I have is that the little purse is not big enough for my giant sunglasses, but most of the time it works great.

  5. Keeping in Touch with a 5 yr old

    Moving far away soon and that means not seeing the 5 yr old son of my friends’ for long stretches of time. We’re really close and I want to keep the bond. Any ideas of how to do this in an age appropriate way?

    • Anonymous

      Facetime + send videos of yourself + ask for videos of him + mail traditional cards (kids LOVE getting mail)

    • mascot

      Kids love to get (snail) mail and care packages. Something as simple as a postcard makes them happy. Bonus, you can turn it into a pen pal type of thing since he’s probably starting to read and write. He can send you drawings too.

      • mascot

        Another idea would be a shared journal or notebook. Either an electronic version or paper version that you could send back and forth and add to.

      • CHJ

        Yes! I was about to say this! My sister lives on the opposite coast, and she sends my son all sorts of little things in the mail. Recently it was a metal pencil case filled with Star Wars band-aids and interesting Jelly Bellies. For Valentines Day, she sent him a box of chocolates and some stickers. I don’t think she ever spends more than $5-10 and it makes my son so happy. (For ideas, cruise the $1 section at Target – it’s a little boy gold mine.)

  6. professional fashion on tv

    Does any profession actually dress like tv characters do? Obviously scrubs for medical professionals like they wear on Grey’s and ER, but I’ve never seen a lawyer dress like Rebecca Bunch (Crazy ex-gf) and I’m wondering how many other professions are horribly represented on tv. Maybe it’s no wonder so many new interns and new hires don’t dress appropriately?!

    • anon

      Then there are professions that doesn’t really get shown ever… like medical shows where the good looking doc hangs out with a kid all day when their only parent is in surgery or when a good looking doc spends hours calling around to find an overnight home for a kid who was recently orphaned… nope, not their job, that’d be a social worker who’d get paid 1/20 of the doc’s salary and would be working through the night for those things. Or when they -do- show a social worker, it’s some hard@$$ who comes to snatch a child away from loving parents. So so frustrating! The only show that really got it right was Judging Amy and that doesn’t air in syndication nearly as often as it should!

    • Anonymous

      Docs in scrubs don’t even look like docs in scrubs on TV. Because scrubs on TV are tailored to a women’s body, as are the white lab coats. Not at all like the scrubs and coats doctors get provided in the hospital which are horribly designed for curves and terribly unflattering.

      • WestCoast Lawyer

        I had the same thought when I saw my (male) OB in scrubs. It was a weird prison jumpsuit looking one-piece with the hospital’s name stenciled on it and, IIRC, a drawstring or elastic waist. He seriously looked like he just escaped from jail and should have German Shepards in hot pursuit!

      • a non

        late but god yes, i got “sir”d a lot mor ewhen I wore scrubs every day.

    • Wildkitten

      Rebecca Bunch wore black skirt suits when she was in Manhattan biglaw. She changed her outfits a lot when she switched to inland California small law, and while she’s pretty kooky, I think there is probably a significantly different dress code in West Covina than NYC. I thought the clothes in the Good Wife were appropriate.

      • A

        Yes, definitely thought the clothes on the Good Wife were appropriate – and aspirational! I wish I could dress like Diane Lockhart everyday.

  7. bellatrix

    Just got back from a conference. Had a great time, met some interesting people, learned a lot … but now I’m faced with a stack of business card and the knowledge that I should try to follow up with these folks but I’m not sure how. What are best practices for after-conference followup? In some cases these are my peers, in some cases they were presenters. For most of these folks, there isn’t really anything we could collaborate on right now, but I would like to stay in touch on some level, or at least plan to meet at next year’s conference if I’m able to go. Some of them have already reached out on LinkedIn, so obviously that’s their preferred way to be in touch. For those who haven’t yet, which is better – LinkedIn, an email saying “great to meet you,” … something else?

    • ...

      How about a short and to the point email like, “It was so great to meet you at __________ last weekend! I’d love to continue our discussion about _________/stay in touch! Let’s connect next week/next month/at next year’s conference?”

      Then you’ve made the effort and offered a suggested response and they can either respond or not, but you’re not sending a novel to those who don’t respond and you can respond more in-depth to those who do since you’ll know they want to stay connected.

      • Anonymous

        I agree with this approach completely minus the exclamation points. Then touch base periodically throughout the year via email. Example: I saw this article/case/presentation that I thought you’d be interested in. I hope all is well.

    • Msj

      If they seem to be active on linked in (have a few hundred connections) I’ll send a note saying great meeting you last week, I look forward to staying in touch.
      If they don’t have much of a linked in presence I’ll do the same via email and maybe include a mention of something we discussed. I wouldn’t set up a follow up convo just because. Only if we discussed it in person or if there is something particular you want to discuss.

  8. anon

    Trying to look at celeb styles so I can find my own or see what might look good on my shape… not finding much… I’m short and an hourglass, in the size 14 range and carry a bit of weight on my lower ab area… the closest I’m finding is Bailey on Grey’s but she’s mostly shown wearing scrubs so that doesn’t help and the actress isn’t photographed tons while out and about. Any ideas?

    • Anonymous

      Mindy Kaling? Not sure what size she is but she sounds similarly shaped and I think she always looks great.

  9. anxiety about change

    How do you deal with the anxiety surrounding life changes? (Moving across the country, starting a new job, etc.)

    Not wanting to medicate since I know this situation is temporary, as there’s only a small window between knowing change is coming and getting settled into the new normal, but that window between knowing change is coming and when that happens feels huge while I’m in it, especially since you can’t know everything until you’re living it so it’s not like you can just plan it all out. Ideas?

    • CountC

      I’m a fan of playing the “What’s the worst that can happen game?” The effectiveness of this may depend on what your anxiety is based in. My anxiety generally circles around having super high expectations for myself and being afraid not to live up to them. Therefore, 99.9% of the time I ask myself this question and really, truly dive down into it, the answer is, not much.

      My other approaches include a daily meditation practice (start with 5 minutes when you wake up and 5 minutes before bed), exercise, and forcing myself to live in the present. The latter means that when my mind wanders to the OMG WHAT IF THIS HAPPENS, I remind myself that none of that actually HAS happened yet, I have no idea if it will happen, and I need to live my life in what is happening right now, not any number of future possibilities.

      I also will toss an Ativan back from time to time though!

    • Anon

      I’ve been through a bunch of life changes, major and minor, plus times of my where I had so many things happening at the same time I didn’t know how I could get through them.

      I have a tendency to focus on the after while I’m going through. Like, no matter what the next two weeks are like, and they’re going to suck, by Monday April 10 this will all be over. And I make a mental note to do something totally relaxing April 10, like coming home from work and watching half of Pride and Prejudice (the 6 hour version of course) and knitting and ordering seamless. (Um I possibly did this yesterday)

      I find that by focusing on a future date it helps me worry less about every step that needs to be taken on the intermediate days.

    • anon

      Write down what’s happening with the transition and the problems you are dealing with as objectively as you can. Then go through what you wrote and remove any lingering emotions with a final rewrite. This helps take away some of the fear and assumptions you may have (cognitive biases) that could be making the situation seem worse than it really is and helps you look at it from a more rational point of view. Then brainstorm possible solutions and think of people/resources you can turn to and narrow down a game plan you think might help you deal with this change. This can include coping strategies (a regular exercise routine helps me feel better and more in control) or actual solutions (like how to find a good neighborhood/apartment to live in, etc).

      In summary, define the problem. Brainstorm solutions. Research options. Talk to people who can help you. I tend to freak out and assume the worst, so this helps me. Maybe it’ll help you.

  10. Scaly

    My elbows are in terrible shape – rough and dry and they look like they belong to a 90 year old. Can anyone recommend something to put on them to get them to a somewhat normal shape again? I started using AmLactin, but it seems like it’s just given me eczema on my elbows.

    • Anon

      Trader Joe’s “Head to Toe Balm” is great. Shea butter is a main ingredient. Just reapply regularly.

      Now if I’ll practice my own advice, that’d be great.

    • Anonymous

      I am obsessed with S.W. Basics Cream Scrub for my elbows and back of my thighs (for whatever reason this area gets really dry. I use a little bit at the end of my shower and rinse it off quickly so that just the scrub part gets rinsed off. That extra layer under my post-shower lotion seems to make a big difference!

    • BaltAtty

      I use AmLactin but not for my elbows (it’s great for using after I wash with a body wash that has salicylic acid; really helps my upper arms when they get random red bumps). Bag Balm is amazing for my elbows. Period.

  11. Allergies

    I’ve been suffering from some kind of allergic reaction that causes my face to break out in very severe eczema, especially my eyelids– I look red, swollen, and generally awful. Kind of like a black eye that is partially healed. (I have allergy testing coming up so no need for medical recommendations.)

    My question is how much, if at all, to bother mentioning or explaining when I see people professionally and socially. My glasses help a little bit, but I’ve gotten some weird looks. I just spent some time with family I don’t see often, and they all noticed and asked– so I know this is something people will notice on their own.

    Later this week I’m attending an event with a lot of professional contacts I haven’t seen since before this problem arose, and I’m not sure whether to address it or not. Is it better to make an off-the-cuff remark, such as “Don’t worry, nobody punched me, I just have allergies”? Better to ignore? Would you be super weirded out by interacting with someone with a rash/ apparent eye bruising if you didn’t know what caused it?

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t mention it unless someone remarked. It is very likely much less noticeable to someone else. Perhaps wear a bright lip or statement necklace to draw attention away from your eyes. It will probably be better by the end of the week anyway.

      You don’t actually have to take medication in order to treat eczema. Try unscented products (dish soap, laundry detergent, dryer sheets) for all laundry. Not sure what products you are using to treat but you may want to avoid Aveeno as that has soy which can aggravate eczema if you are soy allergic. I like Cerave Baby.

    • anon

      While I generally don’t think you owe anyone an explanation about your medical condition, you may feel more comfortable with a one sentence “allergies, not contagious pinkeye” type remark.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, this. I have eczema under my eyes which flares into horrible pink bags. I always say “not pinkeye, allergies.” Also, I need a prescription cream to help calm it when it flares, so do go to the doctor.

    • Never too many shoes...

      This was my hangover recommendation from last week – bright/bold lip and a statement necklace to draw eye downward from eyes.

      If someone said to me “don’t worry, nobody punched me” the very first thing I would think is that somebody punched them.

      • Allergies

        Yikes! Yeah that’s exactly what I’m not going for.

        I’ve been doing bright lip colors, tortoise glasses, and necklaces. I think I will stick with a brief “just allergies” kind of remark if anyone seems to be looking.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        I once, uh, walked into a pole while drunk. Gave myself a black eye.

        Turns out that because the “I fell” or “I’m a klutz” of what have you excuses are used so often for women who are actually being abused, it was really, really hard to convince people I hadn’t been punched. I tried to make a “Haha, no, I wasn’t pinched! I just am a total klutz!” Joke and yeah, people assume you were punched.

    • Pesh

      I went through something like this – while you wait for your allergy tests to find the cause, switch to laundry detergents with no perfumes or dyes (Tide Free and Clear, etc), sulfate free shampoo/conditioner, no dye/perfume hand soap, etc. Stop eating nuts and watch your salt intake closely. It can help determine the source of your allergy more quickly if you eliminate things like this before seeing your allergist.

  12. Networking

    Ladies, everyone talks about how it’s important to network and how great it is if you can bring in business and be a rainmaker. How do you actually do it? Which organizations do you find to be the best use of your time? I’d love to have a sort of “best practices” thread here.

    I’ll begin – I’m a lawyer with my own small practice; last year, I joined a group called BNI that’s supposed to be helpful for this sort of thing and it was – to a point. I would recommend it to someone just starting out with this sort of thing or in certain industries, but the utility is not for everyone and after a while I think it’s not worth the time/money commitment.

    • Anon

      I had a major ‘aha moment’ when I realized that ‘networking’ is SO MUCH MORE than attending industry events. True, business-development oriented networking is one-on-one lunches, coffees, drinks, small group dinners, etc. Those organizations and events are good (but not great) for establishing credibility and name recognition, but not for growing/earning/developing business.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed. I work alongside BD people, and what is typically done in our industry is that you set up meetings, coffees, dinners ahead of time to take place at the industry event, and that’s where the magic happens. You don’t “bump” into people there and expect it to result in a meaningful experience.

      • WestCoast Lawyer

        My ‘aha’ was when someone suggested looking at networking as what can I do for someone else. Whether it’s connecting two people who I think might benefit from knowing each other, recommending someone or something, or even passing along a link to an article I think they might find interesting.

        It keeps you on someone’s radar without feeling pushy.

    • Anonymous

      You have to volunteer to serve on committees. That’s how you get to know people.

  13. Anon

    Thanks to everyone who recommended Estadio in DC! It was awesome. We had breakfast @ the Emissary, including the best French toast I have ever had in my life.

  14. Rain jackets?

    Anyone have a favorite rain jacket? I want something with a light lining and a hood — this is for commuting in the city. I like the style of the everlane jacket but would prefer to pay less. Is it worth $98? What about uniqlo or athleta?

    • Anon

      I just bought the downpour coat from Athleta and I. Love. It. but it was $248. Ouch. I figured I’ll wear it for at least 5-10 years so maybe it will just be a few bucks per wear? Anyway, it was one of the few jackets that was/had:
      – Waterproof
      – Drawstring adjustable waist
      – Zipper and pouch pockets
      – Looked good on, not too sporty
      – Wasn’t super tight around the butt
      – Also wasn’t a gigantic tent
      – Covered the tops of my legs (I can’t stand wet jeans)
      – Thumbholes!
      Just wore it all around London and Paris, and while I didn’t look super stylish in Paris it did the job and didn’t scream “I’m wearing a windbreaker!” It was a great travel jacket. My phone and passport case fit safely and comfortably into the pockets, and while not packable it can roll up pretty small.

      Perhaps I’m just trying to justify $250 for a raincoat, but I’ve bought 3 Columbia jackets over the years and none are as good as this.

    • Shopaholic

      I have one from Zara which I like for the price. They have a couple on their website right now.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I love my Eddie Bauer raincoat. Unfortunately, the style is only available personalized (mine has a Microsoft logo, a family member works at Microsoft and picked it up for me). It’s EB551, but not available for general purchase. :(

    • Ace

      Boden mac – lots of colors and flattering cut with a hood! Usually 100-150 depending on sales.

    • BeenThatGuy

      Anything from NorthFace or Marmont. Not stylish by any means, but they are made to keep you dry.

    • SFBrit

      I have the Everlane anorak and I absolutely love it. One unexpected benefit is that if you shake it out when you take it off, the water slides off right away, so it doesn’t take much effort to dry it out before I put it away in the closet.

      • SFBrit

        Hmmm actually I have the old Everlane anorak, not the new ‘City’ one, so I don’t know if they are the same.

  15. Unicorn job or time to jump ship?

    I am a senior associate in biglaw (making market salary, but substantially less than market bonus). I only work about 50 hours a week, on average. I am generally pretty well regarded in my group. I’m up for promotion shortly, and while I don’t think partnership is in the cards immediately, I think I’ll make counsel with the message that I could be partner a few years down the road. This is 100% fine with me.

    The problem is I find my work very uninteresting. I fell into this practice group and have never enjoyed the subject matter. I also sometimes worry about my substantive skill development as a lawyer. Bottom line, I just can’t see myself doing this forever.

    BUT, I have two young children, and we live in a HCOL area, so I appreciate the less than crazy (for biglaw!) hours, at biglaw pay. Do I stay and count my blessings for having a unicorn biglaw job? Or do I leave for something potentially more fulfilling (note: I don’t really know what this would be, which is part of the problem)?

    • Anonymous

      I used to be you. Then my practice area got substantially more busy. I hate it now. I’d take a pay cut (and go from .80 to 1.0 of a full-time load; am at about 1.2 right now), but we can’t hire a person who is 50% of me (we have juniors who are good, but it’s not the same). I think you have the unicorn job now.

    • Anon

      Why not count your blessings, while taking some time on the side to talk to others to decide what you’d want to do. Bc say everything goes well and you make counsel, then in 2 yrs you make partner, do you want to do what you’re doing for 30 more yrs? If not, then why not look around — while appreciating what you have and realizing what you need (high pay; easy hours) so you don’t go sign yourself up for some job that’s like 80 hrs a week.

    • LunaLu

      If you’re really miserable, then by all means, get out. But it sounds like this might be a case of the “grass is greener.” In my experience, as the kids get older they get busier. Enjoy the fact that you don’t have to go 100 mph all the time (although I know it’s hard to get used to!) and let yourself dial back professionally for a bit, while your personal life ramps up. I’d stay put (at least until kids start elementary school and the associated after-school activities) and see how things pan out.

  17. anonymous

    I’m really high strung, type A, and have obsessive tendencies. Not in a clinical sense, just…. more than I would like. It doesn’t impact how well I function, but I’ve marked it as something that I should improve for my own happiness. For a long list of reasons, I’d rather not do therapy. Any suggestions for how to do this? And I’m aware of all the benefits of therapy and how much people here love it, so can we not go down that route of why not therapy? Trust me on this one. And thanks.

    • Wildkitten

      Are you opposed to meds? I’d try a low dose anti-anxiety even without therapy.

    • AIMS

      I think it depends on how this manefests for you. Is it a matter of needing everything to be perfect? In that case, I would pick something low stakes and make your goal ’75 percent okay’ – so whatever it is, just do it to 75 percent completion in your own mind and then stop. See what happens. Odds are it will be nothing and then you can build on that.

      If it’s more of just obsessing over certain things, I would say meditation can definitely help redirect those impulses. You could try the head space app. It’s a good place to start when you’re not sure what you’re doing.

    • Anonymous

      I would agree with medication. You can do it without therapy and show great benefit.

      Considering your concerns, a psychiatrist would probably be better at medication management than a PCP though. It doesn’t mean that they will see you often though and they don’t do counseling. I just recommend it because I think they will find the right med and dose quicker for you.

      Your resistance to even talking about therapy concerns me a little, but I hear you. For me, therapy is a no because I have terrible health insurance with a huge deductible and I simply cannot afford it, never mind the time commitment.

      I don’t think that our typical recommendations for treating anxiety (without therapy and without meds) will be sufficient for you though. I recommended exercise/mindfulness meditation to a friend with your complaints and she took it a little overboard on the exercise front. But she had eating issues too….

      You could also get the Anxiety workbook on Amazon and give it a try.

      But sleep is very, very important, and coming down at night is key so you can sleep through the night without ruminating. Keep good sleep hygiene. Start turning off electronics by 9pm if possible, have a nighttime relaxation routine (ex. bath/reading of pleasure etc…), bed only for sleep and sexy-time, same time to bed every night, and definitely look at the mindfulness techniques for helping you fall asleep if you can’t shut your mind off.

      And you are very, very smart for thinking about this now, because long term it can get worse in folks like us, and the longer we wait to treat it, the harder it is to treat.

      Thank goodness for meds.

      Good luck. You can do it.

  18. Scared

    I had something really scary happen to me today- it shouldn’t have happened, I did what I could to prevent it. Others didn’t do their part to prevent it and it happened. No fault of my own- I did everything I was supposed to, others did not. For context, the scary thing has happened two weeks in a row now and I was at serious risk of physical harm both times. Neither time was my fault.
    How do you physically calm yourself back down after something like that? I’m both 10/10 anxious and angry that others didn’t step up to do things to protect me that I cannot do. But mostly I’m just terrified. I feel like even taking a long walk will just have me on constant alert right now. So I’m curled up in bed with a crashing headache and nausea.
    I want my mom. :(

    • AIMS

      I’m sorry that whatever happened happened to you. Sometimes people just go through a patch of poor luck. It’s hard to say anything more concrete given the vagueness of your post (which I can understand, of course). But if the same thing happened two weeks in a row, maybe you can figure out some common thread? Or maybe you can do something else proactive to make yourself feel like you’re taking back control? Sometimes just talking about things helps, other times I think you need more meaningful action. If you feel comfortable posting about this tomorrow when you’re likely to have more responses maybe you can get some good ideas on how to take action. Feel better.

    • me

      I think you have to remove yourself from the situation where these things are occurring so there is no chance it could happen again.

      You have learned you cannot depend upon other people in this situation. You must protect yourself.

      I do not want to tell you anxiety relieving techniques at this point, because your anxiety here is purposeful to TRY TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM LETTING IT HAPPEN AGAIN!!! You have every reason to be anxious.

      So you need to remove yourself from the situation that puts you at risk.

      And take tomorrow off. And yes, call your mother. But only after you call someone you trust that you can vent to about the exact situation that occurred.

      • Wildkitten

        We don’t know what happened, so this might not be possible. Like, if she was driving to work and someone just blew through an intersection and almost hit her but didn’t? Should she stop driving? Stop leaving the house?

        I think it’s normal to be freaked out right now, but you’re going to need to go back out in the world again eventually. Wine. Therapy. Xanax. Self-defense class. Moving to a new apartment. Whatever you need for this situation. You’ll go back to feeling normal and it will be okay.

        • Scared

          Thanks, WK.

          Yeah, although my immediate reaction was “QUIT,” I can’t.

          Although this isn’t exactly what happened, it’s close enough: I am a social service provider. Once a week, I attend outreach at a local hospital to work directly with mentally ill individuals on issues they are facing- housing, benefits, etc. I’m not an employee of the hospital, but a contractor. Doing this is my job- there’s not flexibility there. I have to go weekly. I have training in working with these individuals, and know de-escalation and safety techniques.

          Last week, I informed a patient there was nothing I could do to solve his issue and he became uncontrollable and began moving in such a way I felt at risk of assault. I got out of the office into the main hall and loudly asked for assistance. As a result of that and his ensuing behavior, he was admitted to a psych ward for a few days.

          This week, the hospital team I work with assured me of 3-4 safety measures they were taking and asked me to do 5-6 things. I did all of those things and others I wanted to do that were likely unnecessary but I felt very anxious.

          Regardless, someone screwed up. I don’t know how. No one seems to know. But he showed up outside my office door (where he should not have been allowed unaccompanied), screaming, angry, and blaming me for his psych stay. He started to try to come into the room and I shut and locked the door. He tried to force his way in.

          The hospital police were called. He was escorted out. He’s going to blame me for that, I’m sure.

          I don’t know where he went. I had two panic attacks. One of them was walking to the store after I got home. I just feel so vulnerable and unsafe. I feel like I did after I was sexually assaulted. I don’t want to ever go back or go to work and relive it with my boss to safety plan. He’s so angry it happened again, as am I. Not at me. Just the situation.

          • a lawyer

            This is a lawyer answer, but here goes: the hospital owes you a duty to provide you a safe place to work. (It is not your employer and so not protected by workers comp.) The hospital was on notice that this patient had threatened you previously, and it is subject to a claim/lawsuit. I recommend seeing a lawyer who deals with workplace safety issues and workers compensation, as you may want/need longer term therapy. Also, the hospital is more likely to take its responsibilities seriously if you have an attorney representing you. Your attorney can deal with the hospital on issues of how it is going to prevent this situation in the future, without your having to go through the stress of doing that. You are vulnerable now, emotionally, and with good reason. Having a lawyer/spokesperson would be very beneficial in many ways. Good luck. You can get through this.

          • me

            Absolutely agree with the lawyer post above.

            Agree that you need an advocate. I would take out a restraining order. You need to have a meeting with your employer and the hospital as soon as possible to develop a plan. Most hospitals are open to the public, so there is no way a wayward patient can be completely controlled. But ultimately your safety is the responsibility of your employers.

            I am a physician and had a mentally ill, unstable patient who also found out where I live and used to call me/threaten me and learned where I lived. It was terrifying.

            I now make sure my personal information is hidden (as best as it can be…) online etc.. My patient was switched to a very calm, male doctor who was able to manage his aggression. A half-truth was even told to the patient that I had left, and my clinic day was changed. Things improved.

            You need to see your personal physician to have an assessment to help you deal with the day to day anxiety. As you know, working with this population is risky, but has great benefits. Call your doctor today.

          • Wildkitten

            Agree with a lawyer, above. You might not read this since I’m replying late, but if you are in a profession that has a union, you might want to talk to the union. I know that nurses are attacked all the time and nurses unions have a lot of advocacy tools on how hospitals should be safer for nurses. There might be something like that for your profession, that would give the hospital a list of best practices to keep you safe.

          • Wildkitten

            I also want to say – you locked the door, he couldn’t get in, the police came. That is super super scary and shouldn’t have gotten that far – but you are safe. Even with certain parts of the system failing, you stayed safe. Staying safe is what is the most important. You are scared, but you are safe. That is what is the most important.

  19. Sandra Lashley

    For the poster seeking therapy,
    I would be happy to meet with you for a consultation. I am a Clinical Psychologist/Psychoanalyst in training, located in Chevy Chase, 1 block from the Red line.
    Dr. Sandra Lashley
    301 378 4209

    • Wildkitten

      Why aren’t you on Psychology Today? (I went to search for you and you don’t show up – I didn’t know not being on PT was even an option!)

      • Wildkitten

        (And I kind of hate Psychology Today, so I’m wondering if there is something else you use instead).

  20. Sandra Lashley

    Have been on Psychology Today in the past, just not currently…my practice is nearly full…Happy to speak by phone.
    Take care.

  21. Anon today

    Regular reader here, not usually a poster, but am hoping for some advice from the group. I am past 55 yrs, and have just been notified that my job is being eliminated due to a “restructure” I am in financial services, been with the same firm for 20+ years, enjoyed my position with the company until recently, and have had a good career. However, I am feeling very challenged around the age thing as i consider the job search. I have always considered myself a young 55, part of the reason I read Corporette is to keep up with trends…
    So my ask is what do you see as key elements in projecting myself as an experienced and relevant in today’s world?
    Any big do’s and don’ts? Should i still wear a suit to job interviews?

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