Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Moss Sheath Dress  

393 Comments

1. I need help selecting glasses. I’m 30 and am new to glasses wearing. I’m South Asian and have an oval face. What’s considered “classic” as far as glasses go? What trendy stuff do I want to avoid? I’ve read a little about this but really have no idea where to start. Style wise, I’m kind of an edgy minimalist and prefer as little ornamentation as possible, usually. Help?

   1. I actually think trendy is the best way to go with glasses – it’s the easiest way to look up to date. Warby Parker usually has a pulse on the trends, and their glasses are pretty comfortable. If you don’t have VSP, they’re a reasonable place to get a pair.

      1. +1. Especially since at WP you can probably get two pairs for the same price as a nicer designer pair.

         As for practical advice. Go try on a bunch of different pairs. You might be surprised by what you like (or conversely don’t). I’d suggest bringing along an honest friend who can help give feedback

      2. A note on Warby Parker, their glasses skew highly in favor of people with prominent nose bridges – which is a common feature in people of Asian and African decent. I suggest looking at the glasses offered by Zinni. Zenni has a special fit line specifically for flatter nose bridges (they even have primarily Asian and African models to show that they really do fit people the glasses are made for) are about half the price of WB, the glasses are nearly identical in quality, there are more styles to choose from.

         I had a fit issue with WB because so many of their glasses are flat plastic instead of having soft silicone adjustable nose pads. Just keep that in mind – I highly suggest going into WB and trying the glasses on before ordering (or use their free fit program where they send 5 free pairs to try and send back).

         1. +1. I also found that Warby Parkers tend to have a very round or square shape on the bottom of the frame, which doesn’t work for my face shape, plus it tends to be unflattering. YMMV.

         2. I literally just left WP to run to my train at grand central and I placed my first order with them! I’m not Asian but have always had a hard time with glasses that don’t have the adjustable nose pads, which is a shame bc it seems the most trendy glasses are the acetate frames without adjustable nose pads. I tried on several of the WP “low bridge fit” and while I could definitively tell that they fit differently than the regular fit, they still slid down my nose and didn’t quite do it for me. So another vote for you just have to try them on, and being able to do at home is a great bonus. I thankfully ended up liking one of their frames with nose pads and ordered them. 30 days to return for full refund if I don’t like them.

   2. Seconding the advice to try on a bunch of pairs. Trendy is good, but some styles don’t work well with certain facial features so I would try to find something that 1) I actually like, 2) becomes my face and 3) is comfortable.

      As an example, I have high cheekbones (fellow Asian here) — most horn-rimmed glasses without nose bridges don’t work for me (the lens gets smudged by/digs into my cheeks) but I’ve had better luck with Asian brands like Kaneko Optical.

      I also like “rimless glasses” when I want to go for a minimalist style — usually tends to run a bit more expensive for the lens though (YMMV, for me this is because I am terribly nearsighted — I need a high-index lens for thinner, lighter lenses (even if not going rimless) for less distortion of objects, otherwise I get dizzy, but this is all the more important with rimless glasses as the thickness of the lens is highly visible. Probably less of an issue if your eyesight is just beginning to require glasses.)

      1. Also, if you have a low nose bridge, it might be more difficult to wear plastic rim glasses that do not have separate nose pads. That being said, Warby Parker now has a “low nose bridge” fit.

      2. *horn-rimmed glasses with no nose pads! Thanks Anon at 9 40!

   3. Since you describe yourself as an “edgy minimalist” I agree with Junior Associate on the rimless glasses. They are pricier but a nice pair can look really sharp and cool.

   4. Some brands like Tom Ford (Oakley with sunglasses) will offer some styles in an “Asian” fit specifically to aid comfort for those with high cheekbones. Might be worth trying for comfort level.

      I like to order a few online (Amazon or the online retailers ) and then have the glass filled by my eye doctor. Way more choices that way and a chance to more thoughtfully try on and take pictures.

   5. Glasses-wearer here since age 8. AS he turns 40, my husband started wearing glasses.
      I’d suggest going to hands-holding place like LensCrafters, pricey for your first time but you’ll get the service and assistance and advice you need, and the measurements, and then you can buy some online.

      Definitely go with professional advice for this first time!

      1. I’ve found that opticians in trendy neighborhoods have a better curated selection and more helpful staff than Lenscrafters if you’re specifically looking for what’s on trend. I’ve also had better luck finding my outlier size at local opticians and eyewear boutiques than at national chains.

   6. Take pictures of yourself trying on the different frames. I find it much easier to discard choices that way than looking in the mirror. I usually do not decide on a pair during my first visit- I just narrow it down to 2-3 choices.

   7. I don’t know if they still have it, but 1800 glasses & similar sites have 2 really cool options:
      1- they will send you about 5 frames to try on at home, which is great.
      2- you can upload a pic of yourself to see how you look and go from there.
      Or, you can take a friend to an glasses store like lenscrafters or costco to try stuff on on in person. Glasses are so face specific that it’s hard to give advice without seeing the person w/ glasses on. I have worn glasses since the age of 5 & like bold frames. My husband gets basically rimless ones that are a little harder to see (and usually wears contacts).

   8. I like the advice to work with someone for your first pair, but for all my secondary pairs of glasses, Eyebuydirect is my go-to. In truth I typically wear contacts in public, but I like to have glasses options, to keep a pair in my car in case of emergency, etc. I typically pay ~$45 for a blue-light coated pair and maybe ~$30 for a regular pair. I also love that I can upload a picture of my face and do virtual try-on.

   9. Probably not practical, but my cousin (who is Asian) got glasses in Taiwan last time she went home to visit family. Cheaper and fit her face better than what she found in the US.
      Another thought- maybe try frameless or half frame glasses for a very minimalist look. I thought o would hate it, but I actually quite like.

2. Like many, I struggle with my own body image and satisfaction. I’ve realized that when I read things written my women I don’t know – like comment threads here – I default to an image of the writers as being in perfect shape, with long, perfectly-tousled hair, dressed in effortlessly stylish clothes (think Blake Lively in jeans). And if the commenter says that “I’m Y height, and a size X,” I’m surprised that she is does not match this image in my mind. This is somehow all loosely tied to recent advice that I heard from a therapist that if you watch p*#n, it should contain images of women who look like you. I guess this all comes back to my own anxieties: Everyone else is thinner, better looking, more stylish, having more and better s*x, etc. than me. Does anyone else do this? Have any thoughts about this?

   1. Yes. I also think social media and blogs play into this. Even more so than in the past, we see so many edited images that we start to think that “normal” looks like having perfectly styled hair/makeup/eyelash extensions/at the best angle to make people look thinner. Then add to that all the influencers on social media who appear alongside our friends tricking our brains into thinking they are normal/average. At least when I was a teenager, the photoshopped images were in magazines and billboards and I knew that they were celebrities with teams of people making them look good. Seeing that on my social media page next to pictures of my friends dog really normalizes that “look” in a very unhealthy way

      1. +1 to all of this. In addition to the weird juxtaposition of pro photos showing up alongside our friends’ photos, social media is so much more personal than traditional magazines and billboards. You feel like you “know” these influencers, when in reality, you only know the narrow slice of life that they’re showing. I think we all know this on some level, and yet we forget! I think my self-esteem is pretty healthy for the most part, but sometimes I fall into this comparison trap without even realizing it.

         OP, it sounds like you’re really anxious about this stuff. To answer your question, no — I don’t think everyone is thinner, better, more attractive, etc. Really think about what kinds of media you’re consuming, and why. I don’t think that’s the total solution, but your comment about p*#n makes me think it’s part of it.

   2. Do you think it’d help to start following bloggers and women on IG who look more like you? I’ve started unfollowing a lot of the mega bloggers who all fit the “tall thin blonde white girl” aesthetic and following more accounts that show a variety of sizes, shapes, and colors — and whose accounts are smaller and less perfectly staged and scripted.

      1. This this this this!

   3. No.

      I remember a cartoon with a dog typing on a computer saying “on the internet, no one knows you’re a dog.” And then internet dating where no one was as young/fit/attractive as initially advertised. I love the one guy I met for drinks who described himself as “shaped like a potato and balding” — he was ultimately not for me but a lovely person who made me laugh (married another balding potato though, so maybe it’s my type?).

      1. Why can’t I find a guy like this — with a personality, that is. All the men I get attracted to initially turn out to be real dummies who can’t put to sentences together, and seem only to want to have $ex with me, which I do NOT want, especially with some Neandrethal who would just grunt like my ex. FOOEY on them!

   4. It’s funny, my mental image of a commenter skews more in terms of what I think the average user of the site looks like. When I read comments on this board, I imagine a city-dwelling, plain but not unattractive, minimal makeup white woman in slacks and a blouse in an office. When I read comments on reddit, I imagine a young white male (15-30) with pimples, chip bag crumpled somewhere nearby, and a slight permascowl.

      That said, I do similar to Lemon mentioned above, unfollowing unrealistic blogs and IG accounts. It’s depressing and sets you up for expectation failure

      1. Ditto… living in a MCOL city, traveling semi-regularly for work and def wearing sensible shoes when commuting! Probably with an ergonomic backpack or Dagne Dover tote. :)

   5. I’m a regular poster. I’m 5’10” and wear a size 1x or 2x depending on the brand. I am also in my early 50s. I usually say all of that when I post asking about clothing. But I will also post about management, travel, or having teenagers, and I don’t mention my body in those posts because why would I?

   6. I have a non-snarky, serious question. Obviously, weight is something that is very difficult to control. But your comment about “long, perfectly-tousled hair” made me wonder — if that is something that you want, why not do it? Grow your hair long, and watch some videos on you tube about creating beachy waves with a curling iron. You can take steps to change your hair if that’s something that is making you unhappy!

      1. Not OP, but for some of us this is just not possible. My hair has awful waves that make me look like a drowned rat unless I blow it out every single day, which takes half an hour and then is ruined the minute I step outside into the humidity. So I am doomed to have a pixie cut forever.

         1. +1

            My hair doesn’t grow past my shoulders… never has, no matter what I have tried.

   7. Yes, I do this too. Several years ago a mentor gave me a task to help with a more general assumption that people are thinking badly of me. I’ve been very surprised by how much of an effect this has had on my own self-talk. When I see another woman looking good – hair, clothing, etc, I explicitly verbalize the compliment in my head. “Wow, her hair looks great today!” “That skirt is a great color!”

      Her reasoning is that we have a lot of negative self talk going on in the background. Explicitly stating compliments about other people makes it more plausible that others are thinking positive things about us as well.

      I like it because there’s no outward behavior change. It was invisible to anyone else. It gives me an inner lift to have that kind of positive thought in the front of my brain.

      1. This too! It’s also just a happy way to go through the day. When I used to walk from the subway to work, I’d love giving mental compliments to the women I passed. “Ooh, I like the pattern on that blouse!” and “Damn you’re rocking those heels!” and “Those glasses are perfect!” etc.

         I don’t see nearly as many people now that I’m a car commuter, but I’m going to try to get back into the habit anyway.

3. For those of you who wears button up shirts to work, how to do keep your shirt collar under your blazer collar? How to you keep them from slipping out? I’m preparing for an interview and I need some advice.

   1. Sorry for the a few typos. Mobile keyboard sucks.

      1. I only see the typo in your second p’ost! Where is the first one?

         Anyway, happy Monday to the HIVE! I am up early b/c I am at an out of town busness meeting where we are trying to get a cleint with a big WC account. I am getting admitted to the Pennsylvania bar if we can snag this cleint, and will get to go to PHILADELPHIA once a month or so after I become duly licensed here. It is NOT that cosmopolitan here, like in NYC, and it seems that the men here like to ooogle women with impugnity! I almost forgot how crude most men are, and that is even when I am wearing my Canadian Goose coat! Can you imageine? FOOEY!

   2. I think they key is buying a button down for that intended purpose. Most or them have a spread collar that won’t stay put. For a one time use, maybe some fabric tape would hold it down enough for the interview?

      1. How is the spread collar different from a normal collar?

         1. Women’s shirts don’t have a spread collar (that’s a pretty specific cut/term) – you only have a spread collar if you are going to do a wide-knot tie. The problem with most women’s shirts is the collar is too small/short, so it doesn’t have enough fabric to catch under the blazer in the front.

            What the above-poster may be trying to say is that women don’t button shirts all the way to the top (aren’t wearing ties) and so wear the collar open and it spreads more than it was intended to do. Aka the blazer collar isn’t meant to hold down the shirt collar.

            1. Yes, thank you – it isn’t technically a spread collar as on a man’s shirt, but the collar “spreads” out in a way that just doesn’t work well with a blazer due to its size and shape. On the Brooks Brothers site, I have noticed that they frequently show women’s shirts with a collar that buttons down when that type of shirt is pictured with a blazer.

   3. I’ve never had an issue with my Brooks Brothers no-iron button down shirts, the collar always stays nicely within the blazer, so I agree with the above that the particular shirt matters.

   4. Under blazers, I don’t usually have a problem with collars not staying where they belong (most of my button front shirts are from the Ann Taylor, Express, Target, and The (old) Limited). Under sweaters or dresses it is an entirely different story, but the collar of a blazer seems to hug the shirt collar nicely, keeping it in place.

      I agree that fabric tape is probably a good temporary fix if this is an interview-only concern for you.

   5. I wear button downs under blazers/suits all the time and have genuinely never had this issue. Are you wearing “regular” button downs with normal sized collars (like menswear style)? That being said, for interviews, I usually always run into the bathroom before and between interviews if possible to make sure hair and everything is in place.

      1. How does the collar size matters, exactly? This is the one I’m going to wear.
         https://www.tmlewin.co.uk/womens/shirts/fitted-blue-twill-shirt-57793.html

         1. That should stay in fine with most normal blazers. I have seen women’s button downs with much smaller (Peter Pan-like) collars, but it’s more of a stylized thing, so I wasn’t sure if you meant you were wearing those and they might be too small to stay in properly.

   6. It either stays or doesn’t, IME. For an interview, I have always worn a non-button front shirt so I don’t have to wonder about this question, gapping, etc.

   7. I don’t wear button-up shirts as much as I used to (used to be a daily thing, now I feel they’re too formal), but I have big, ex-swimmer shoulders, and it looks better for the collar to “jump out” on me. When you’re wearing a button-shirt, you’re already skewing preppy, so I give any sort of pearl-clutching re “collar is OUT-EEEK!” no quarter.

4. Does anyone else actively choose to only give, say, 75% at work so you can devote extra time and energy to personal projects, hobbbies, or leisure time?

   I like my job. I am objectively good at it, according to my perf reviews. I generally work 40 hrs a week. I am well paid. But at the end of the day, I also like getting 8 hours of sleep, working out five days a week, seeing friends and family regularly, and having time to pursue lots of outside interests.

   This separates me from my most successful coworkers. I don’t dream about work at night or read books about my industry in my free time. I think they do. I sense that many of them think of nothing but work from the moment they wake up until the end of the day. This makes them excellent at their jobs. I am merely good.

   When work is over, I want to read, write, draw, run, do yoga, cook, decorate my place, see friends… even just sleep.

   So when I’m not at work, I feel great about living a well-rounded life, and I’m okay with not being on the fast track to promotion. It was a choice. But when I am at work, I start to question everything.

   I’m reminded of this Bill Watterson quote, which says it better than I can:

   “Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it’s to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential — as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth.

   You’ll be told in a hundred ways, some subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where you are, who you are, and what you’re doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out, and I guarantee you’ll hear about them.

   To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.“

   Does anyone else ever feel this way? Like you’ve got it down, you’ve created a life that works, but it’s not aligned with what society values so you’ll always feel a little off?

   1. There a lot written about rise and grind culture right now, which you may be seeing reflected in your coworkers. That’s not for me, so like you, I value a life outside of work. I don’t feel bad about that though.

   2. It might not be common at your workplace but I don’t think that’s the same as working to live not living to work as not being a ‘societal value’. Plenty of people have a job, even in a career they enjoy, that is just about paying the bills and their real passion is family/hobbies/interests.

      Pretty common amongst my friend group to work hard, have a 6 figure salary mid-career so not much need for additional career success to achieve financial security and do not obssess about work and have lots of interests/hobbies outside work.

      1. It is very common where I work. My boss insists we bill what seems to be an unreasonable amount of hours each month, but because I am so efficient, I am able to meet those targets while only really working a small fraction of that time, leaving me with more time to do other things at work and outside of the office. If I didn’t have to bill so much, or when I become the manageing partner, I think I will have more time to devote to PRO BONO stuff, and teaching CLE’s at the bar assocition, which the manageing partner wants me to start doeing to get more cleints for the firm after he retires. YAY!!!

   3. I totally get this…I’m an early career academic and have adopted a zen approach to the academic rat race. My goals are to do good research, offer informative and engaging teaching, and attempt to engage the larger community in my research. However, I pursue these goals within a 40-45 hour work week, leaving the rest of the time for my family, personal life, and sleep. This is a pretty risky strategy but honestly, I’m smart, there are other things I can do… I refuse to sacrifice my physical and mental well-being and the well-being of my young child and my husband for a career that might not (despite my best efforts) pan out.

      1. Good for you. Academic work culture is so toxic and then you get used to it and can’t stop. My husband recently got tenure and is still working crazy hours because he’s just used to it. So few academics seem able to draw a hard line and protect work-life balance.

         1. Ugh, I see my colleagues working all hours of the day and dealing with health, stress, and familial issues and just can’t. There is no guarantee that it’ll result in a permanent job, why take the gamble?

            1. Is this the same everywhere? I had long thought that academia was the realm of masters of their subject matter who taught (and went to fab parties that were very Dorothy Parker) and had a passion for working with young people. Maybe in sleepy college towns? Maybe not at all? Maybe if you are a semiretired person who just wants to be an underpaid adjunct because you truly enjoy it and are indifferent to the $?

            2. LOL, the fab Dorothy Parker parties are the movie version of academia. In real life, everyone who is not an (underpaid, overworked) adjunct is working really long hours trying to publish as much as possible. It used to only be “publish or perish” at research universities, but it’s spilled over into teaching colleges as well. And faculty there have higher course loads too.

      2. I applaud you, seriously. I’m on the staff side of higher ed, and that toxicity bleeds over into our world sometimes. I am in admin and the fact that I refuse to work more than 50 hours a week makes me an outlier for someone in my position. In my mind, it is just not worth it. My job doesn’t get ALL of me.

         There is a really interesting Atlantic article last week (search: workism) that addresses some of these issues and what an unhealthy mindset it is. It was a fascinating read.

      3. +1 I too am an academic and have embraced this lifestyle. I have still managed to successfully publish on the tenure-track (more than is necessary for my tenure review) and be good at my job in other ways. Burnout is real if we overwork ourselves, especially for those tasks that require a lot of mental energy.

   4. There is a flippant saying, which I rather dislike, about “No one is on their death bed wishing they spent more time in the office.” I dislike it because it assumes that every dying person is financially secure and able to die in comfort. There are plenty of people who worry that there isn’t enough money for a funeral or to fly the grandkids out to say good-bye.

      But jobs are ultimately a means to an end, not an end in themselves. My life is not owned by my company (as much as I like them). It’s not owned by my boss, as much as I like her. My life – those limited, precious hours I am given every day – are mine to use as I see fit.

      If you want to give as much free time as possible to your job because it serves *your* needs and values, go right ahead. But just doing that because “ambition” or whatnot is lazy thinking.

   5. Ha — I had kids. But kids stuff is mandatory — leaving work “early” (i.e., before 7) b/c social services will be called if I don’t pick them up from daycare. Staying home with them if they are sick (b/c you can go to work when you have a fever, but day care will send you home). No local family. I am leaning out constantly. Surprised if only 75% of my former input abilities were left for work.

   6. I read something recently that said in our culture, which worships at the altar of productivity, taking time to rest, or to do something purely for your own enjoyment, is a radical act. I’m like you – I need sleep to function, and I really like my friends and my hobbies and just downtime. Thinking of those things as a radical act delights me, and also reinforces that it is my choice — it is not laziness or lack of engagement in work, it is active engagement in what is important to me.

      1. This resonates with me so much. Sitting at my desk exhausted because the expectation is 100% 24/7 and I just can’t.anymore. I NEED life outside work.

   7. I work to live and don’t live to work, although I find my field fascinating and I do have some goals for the future. However, it’s more important to me to develop my hobbies. I have a million places I want to travel, I want to ride horses, I want to read all the books, I want to ski all over the country, I want to relearn how to knit, and so much more. Between a long commute and my job, I already don’t have enough time for all of this so I am looking to move somewhere where I can work a bit less (and commute a lot less).

   8. I’m sure it depends on your industry and company, but I think most people who build their lives and identity around their careers as incredibly naive. I’ve encountered a lot of people who waste hours of their day for no good reason and no benefit on their career. Yes, there are cases where things work out and cases where it really is someone’s passion, but often I think people are doing it aimlessly because they feel they ought to and aren’t on a real path to where they want to be.

   9. “Does anyone else ever feel this way? Like you’ve got it down, you’ve created a life that works, but it’s not aligned with what society values so you’ll always feel a little off?”

      Yes, this is me. I have been pondering this a lot lately too, but I haven’t organized my thoughts completely. A couple of things: 1) Check out The Nap Ministry on FB or IG for an interesting perspective on rest and productivity through a lens of racial justice. 2) I’ve been thinking a lot about social media and how it’s impacting my life. What would I do if I could never post about it on SM? How much of my life am I performing for others and how much am I doing what works for me and my family? How much does SM influence my thinking about what I *should* be doing, and how might that change if I change my SM usage. 3) After having a few people close to me deal with debilitating chronic illnesses, I have given a lot of thought about how a person’s value is inherent beyond their ability to do paid work. 4) I read the book Utopia for Realists, and found the chapter on “Bullshit Jobs” very interesting.

   10. I think this is a totally healthy way to live life. I’m like this, so is my husband (we actively try to make our own work life boundaries that work for us and that we are happy with- we don’t advertise it externally, but it’s important to us)… all my friends are lawyers though and there is a huge culture of bragging that ‘you work the hardest & have the least free time’… I’ve thought a lot about it & I think it’s to try and show that all the work/money/effort you’ve put into something over the years is worth it and you are so good at your job that you are considered indispensable at your place of employment. I have found over time that nearly no one is indispensable, no matter what they think, and that a job will dump you in 5 secs if they have any need too– so it’s best to focus on the things that to you make a valuable life… for some people that IS work, for me… it’s cultivating my outside of work relationships and other things I love. I do really like my job, I’m good at it, I think I get a lot more done in my hours than a lot of people, and I get paid well for it all (what more could I ask for?)… then I clock out and focus on the other things I love.

       1. As some other folks above said- having kids really made my husband & I draw lines in the sand about this… also seeing people ahead of us in their careers that had sacrificed their families (specifically marriages) to get there… for us, there’s no point if we can’t have those we love with us to share it with (totally fine if someone decides that their value alignment is different than that or can work out a different arrangement… but this is what is important for us personally).

          1. I actually don’t think it’s that helpful to look to having kids as a way to break the grind. Having kids is a huge amount of work (I say as a single childless person). The takeaway from these discussions is basically, the only almost-acceptable reason to not give 100% at work is if you have to give energy to an even more time consuming, emotionally draining, and like another person above said – absolutely mandatory activity in your life.

             I know I’m bucking the trend here, but I actually don’t think that it’s very helpful or healthy that most discussions of work-life balance focus on raising children. Getting “time off” work to stay home with a sick child should not be controversial – it’s mandatory, there’s no way around it other than to not have kids. We’re still losing sight of the fact that people need time to rest, recharge, and actually live life. Which is all the more important to parents who, by definition, have a FT job that isn’t their actual employment.

             1. I totally understand what you mean, I just meant that it was easier to let work bleed into my life (& kind of have fun with that lifestyle- esp work travel) before I had kids. Now I stop working at 5 most days because I want to play with my daughter and have dinner with my husband because I enjoy that… I may have gotten to this place mentally without kids (maybe I would have picked up a hobby I loved!), but it was a stark differentiator for me and one of the reasons my husband & I moved into slightly lower paying, but more flexible jobs (no more big law for us!). Sick days are a whole other egg to crack- definitely not a fun day in the park. :)

             2. Agree 100%!!!

             3. Agreed 100%. It is super frustrating to hear that the only “excuse” to not be on/available/committed is kids. That way of thinking causes problems for both the people with kids and without kids.

   11. Yes and no. I do care about my job and my work, but I may care more deeply about different parts of it than other people do (I really like mentoring and industry outreach.) I do have a rich personal life with kids so my job is not the only thing I have going but I definitely grind. I have survived several rounds of layoffs at different companies and my perception is that I survive because I grind.

       My husband describes himself as a “worker bee”. He works pretty hard when he’s at work but he has no passion for what he does, and will not work overtime unless the situation is dire. It worked for us because he could reliably pick up the kids on time, vs my getting home time, if I’m not traveling, is extremely variable. Unfortunately, he’s been laid off three times in the 20 years we’ve been together, so the worker bee lifestyle is not a sure thing.

       1. This is my fear. I’d prefer a more balanced life, with room for hobbies, etc., and I try to organize my life that way to the extent possible… but my perception is also that you need to keep to the grind to survive. At least in private legal practice.

          1. +1

             I think a lot of this is dependent on your field. High stress, client-driven practices take some of these choices out of your hands. Plus, even in my relatively laid back private-practice firm, you’re still not going to make partner if you’re not ambitious about it. If you’re not making partner, you may find yourself in an insecure position in your legal career in a relatively short amount of time. Then what? My values are definitely geared towards life over work, but there’s definitely elements of economic anxiety/planning for long-term job security driving performance. It’s not merely a response to society’s messages about productivity = value.

   12. There’s a book called Radical Candor, about how to be a better leader and a better member of a team. One key idea is that some staffers are superstars (rise, rise, rise) and some are rockstars (good at their jobs, happy where they are- constantly improving, but have no desire to always be promoted or get all the awards). Sounds like you’re a rockstar. Good at your job, but not interested in giving 100% so you can get every promotion or award or next step up. They’re both great in their own way- teams need people who are solidly good at what they do and have been doing it long enough to understand the ebbs and flows.

       Also, yes. I give 75% at work because it gets the work done and I can focus on my health and happiness.

   13. Yeah, that’s me. I spent the first part of my year on the hamster wheel and now I’m more like you. The focus of my life is most definitely not my career, it’s other things. I like to say I have the best job situation in the world (good money, regular hours, interesting-enough work, plenty of time and energy free for the things I care more about) and all I had to give up was my pride. Most days I think it was a great trade.

   14. Such an interesting topic that I’ve thought a lot about. How old/experienced are your colleagues? I was 100% your colleagues for YEARS. Worked 24-7, billed crazy hours, never said no to any assignment, took maybe 5 days of vacation a year (and not a week away because I couldn’t possibly be away from work for that long, I mean 5 days like when you add up the Wed before Thanksgiving, Dec 31 etc.). I wasn’t even young when I did this — ages 25-33. For me it was just the natural offshoot of always having to be “the best” — from ranked top 10 in high school to ivy universities and law schools to law review to clerking etc. This when on for years in an up and out environment because I wanted to move up. Guess what. I didn’t. At age 33, I was unceremoniously shown the door like so many before me — whether they had worked 24-7 or not. Not only was I shown the door, the people I had worked 24-7 for (some of them, not all) actually said things like — what have you even done, why would we keep you, you’re not THAT good. So it was shattering and messed me up for a LONG time (even now — nearly 5 years later). So next job — yeah I do my work, but that’s about it. I’m not in the race to move up or move to the more prestigious department (while all of my junior colleagues are racing to get ahead of each other to be able to transfer into a better group). Instead I take my time off. I am contemplating other things I want to do professionally and getting a few certifications that’ll allow me to make those moves if I want to (and if I don’t — I kind of enjoy what I’m learning in its own right). I go home at 6-7 pm, rarely check email from home, work from home when I want to etc.
       For me this came with just time and a bad experience and the unfortunate recognition that employers don’t care about you and in my industry it’s who you know/who likes you. Given that I’m not well connected, I’m not going to get to the echelons of success I originally wanted, so I’ll take my moderate success and live the rest of my life, rather than sacrifice for those echelons that just aren’t coming. In my heart of hearts, I’ve kind of decided — never again will I work like that UNLESS it’s my own business because then 100% of the benefit goes to ME.

       1. Ha, I had a distressingly similar experience at 33. Kind of wondering when (if) the insecurity will go away.

       2. This sounds so brutal and unfair. I’m sorry this happened to you. And it says something about our work culture that success is so … fleeting? Ambiguous? Comes down to luck as much as hard work?

   15. Totally with you, OP, and I echo a lot of the comments that have been made, especially those relating to private practice. As a biglaw associate, I find my values and priorities are constantly in conflict with what is required of me at my job, and always make me feel ‘different’ than those around me whose lives are their jobs and nothing else. I actually find that a lot of the time, I have to pretend to be that type of person while I’m at work and when it (inevitebly) interrupts the time I set aside for seeing my family and friends, sleep, working out, yoga, writing and reading, it causes me to really resent my job and coworkers. Right now, I am making it work by often sacrificing things that I care about way more than my job, but I hope to be able to leave private practice as soon as I am financially capable so that I can feel like I am living and not just existing!

   16. I am so, so jealous of you. You are living my dream. Right now I work in biglaw (so maybe it’s not quite an apples to apples comparison to your colleagues) and I am struggling to set boundaries so that I can see my friends more than once or twice a year (I see each one on average once or twice a year), and work on my mental and physical health. All the work gets me nowhere – maybe I make a little more money, but you have no complaints about not making enough to do the things you want to do. I am so boring socially because I never have anything to talk about other than how tired I am from working too much. Right now I am focusing as much as I can on trying to become you and I find it so inspiring and comforting that this is apparently possible because you are living it.

   17. Yes! I took a big pay cut last year for this reason, as well. I was in private practice as a lawyer and found that my firm was unable or unwilling to respect any boundaries that would allow for a personal life. Everyone who wants to make sure their life isn’t just their job is seen as a person who doesn’t fit in or who is weaker somehow. I realized that wasn’t me and stepped off the treadmill. In my new job, I complete everything well, but I don’t stay late or work on the weekends. My life has gotten exponentially better, even thought I had to give up a lot to take the job (for example, I sold my dream home and now rent an apartment for 1/3 the amount of my mortgage).

       And I agree with the posters above who noted how sad it is that sometimes the only way to do this is to have kids. I’m single with no children, and I do think it stinks that I wasn’t “allowed” at my old firm to cut back just for myself. We all deserve fulfilling and enriching lives (whatever that means to each person— even if it does mean working a lot), and not having kids shouldn’t mean that I get the side eye for actually taking my vacation days.

   18. This is me too. I like my job and think I am good at it, but I also like spending time with my husband and pursuing my hobbies. I am also very much into wellness and value a healthy lifestyle including exercising, eating well, and getting adequate sleep. I also enjoy traveling/vacation. If I didn’t need the money, I probably wouldn’t work. I agree that these values don’t really align with what society values, but I have stopped caring.

       I left biglaw for multiple reasons, but a big one was that the job was not conducive to healthy lifestyle, spending time with my husband/hobbies, and having actual vacations. What triggered me to leave is a health scare brought on by extreme overwork/sleep deprivation, and general prolonged mistreatment from partners. I do pretty similar work to what I did before, but I work 75% of what I did before (~50 hours a week), and my salary scales proportionately. I have time to have dinner with my husband nearly every night, and work out 6 days a week. I rarely work nights/weekends. I travel much much less. I view the paycut more as what I am willing to pay for my health and happiness.

5. Pretty dress!

   Unrelated query: anyone want to share tips for dealing with a micromanaging boss? I recently took on a new position, which was a promotion of sorts, but the person I report to is a text book micromanager who is also fond of tantrums when someone hasn’t done something exactly the way that he would have, which results in a lot of unproductive efforts on everyone’s part and then complaints about unproductivity, which is just super frustrating. Leaving right now isn’t an option. I trust (hope?) that some of this will resolve itself with time as we get to know each other better but would appreciate any helpful tips to cope in the meantime. Thanks!

   1. One thing that worked for me when I used to work for a micromanager was to stay ahead of them. Basically, when you’re starting on something, send them an email outlining your plan/timeline for completion. And end with something like “let me know if you disagree with anything, otherwise per above, I will send you x by y date”. In my experience the micromanager would typically have one or two tweaks to my plan which I think was because he couldn’t help himself. But doing this usually meant he felt he’d already gotten his say upfront and then generally backed off

      1. Agree with this. Also, consider setting your own boundaries without discussing them – if you asks a micromanager if they want to read X email before sending it out or be included in Y client call, they will always say “yes, I’ll just take a quick look,” and then completely redo everything. So you either need to accept that, just go ahead and do things without asking permission (you may incur wrath but if it goes well hopefully have made your point), or carve out clear ground rules (I don’t need to check woth you first about X but I will about Y).
         Also, many micromanagers will be comforted by being included in the process but not actuallly care about substance. So if you give them a clear outline for interim dates on a project and along the way say “I’m done with X, shifting to Y” they may stay out of the weeds of the substance of your work.
         Lastly, it’s highly unlikely this will get better so just remember it’s not about you and leave as soon as you can.

      2. So I started trying to do this with my micromanaging boss, who is female, and whenever I try to do this ahead of time, she either does not have time to meet with me or review the plan or generally gets upset with me for asking and just tells me to make my own decisions. She then gets upset with whatever decisions I’ve made. These decisions are normally minor. Like, whatever I end up doing is acceptable work product, just not the way she specifically wants it done– which she won’t tell me ahead of time. Any tips on dealing with this?

         1. Unfortunately she’s unlikely to change. I like putting things in writing for this purpose and then replying all to the email with the initial plan laid out with something like “further to below, here’s the update”. It won’t eliminate this entirely but might make you feel better to have a record for yourself that you did what you could. If this annoys you (which is fair), start job searching. Your boss won’t magically change no matter what you do.

         2. Start looking for a new job.

         3. I worked for someone like this. Forced myself to stay for a year before job searching. Looking back, I should’ve jumped sooner. It was a miserable period of my life and completely unhelpful to my career.

         4. Sounds like you’re working for my old boss. If you need to survive it for a while, it helps to work with others if you can, including her boss if possible, so that you have more than her opinion of you representing you in your department, firm whatever. Ask her directly how she wants you to work with as much specificity as possible, framing it as your (humble!) desire to meet her expectations better. Try really hard to use her preferred styles and even anticipate if she will need something. Focus on her strengths – mine was really good at an area of law I was new to, so I learned a lot from her by focusing on that and not her managerial style. I think a lot of the hostile micromanaging was based on her anxiety and frustrations, so position yourself as being helpful to her, though try not to be politically identified solely with her (see point 1). But yeah, look for a transfer to another reporting line or a new job, because chances are she’ll hang you out to dry.

   2. No personal insight (I had poor experiences with a micromanager/mansplainer that was only resolved when he left the practice), but I remember Harvard Business Review ran a few pieces on the topic, some of which I found to be more helpful than others — linking to a few that I remember (I believe you can get a few free articles per month for HBR if you don’t want to take out a paying subscription for a couple of articles; googling “HBR + micromanaging boss / micromanager” also turns up a few other articles on this topic as well).

      https://hbr.org/tip/2017/08/to-get-your-boss-to-stop-micromanaging-clarify-expectations
      https://hbr.org/2011/09/stop-being-micromanaged

6. I bought a new bra and it is creaking. I think it is the plastic parts on the adjustable straps. Return it? Anyone have a way to fix this?

   1. Return it. If this is how it acts off of the hanger, it will only get worse from here. That “creak” sounds defective.
      However, if it was incredibly on sale or the perfect fit, I would suggest sewing a piece of felt behind the plastic. My nursing bras would often creak but I valued sleep too much to attempt to find a new one. I tacked the felt to the top portion of the strap and left enough to cover the connector.

   2. Return it.

7. I need to reorder some bras and I’m a 30D (not huge — 34B shape on a smaller ribcage), which is a hard to find band size. My current models (Betsey Johnson) aren’t available anymore. Third Love has 30 as a band size. [Not in my 20s any more, and my two ventures into Aerie were a fail.] Anything else out there right now that you are loving?

   1. Natori and Chantelle make 30’s. Wacoal probably does as well.

      1. +1

   2. I’m the same size and had good luck with Marie Jo bras

   3. I’m almost the same size – 30 DD. Seconding Natori! Journelle also makes 30Ds, I like their Victoire plunge bra ($64) for a “t-shirt” bra, and they have some other, pretty, lacey options for more $$ depending on what you like.

   4. Natori Feathers and Third Love t-shirt bra have been my go to’s for the same size. If you are happy w/ Natori, they are often on ebay new w/ tags if you’re not picky about color

      1. I’m 28-30 band and like Natori Feathers best. They frequently go on sale, especially if you aren’t picky about colors. And all colors are on sale during the Nordstrom anniversary sale (at least since I’ve been checking). I’ve never paid full price.

         1. I found the Natori feathers to run small in the band (I say this as a consistent 30DD). So I’d suggest trying 32C in addition to your normal size. I also didn’t see anyone mentioning Freya. I love their bras and swim suits for my slightly wider set b**sts. The bras I picked from them have excellent support and last forever. They’re a UK brand available on Amazon.

   5. I recently went on a new bra kick and was very pleasantly surprised by the selection at Nordstrom Rack online. Lots of hard to find in store sizes and many options from Natori/Chantelle for around $30-40. I ordered about a dozen, kept 4 or 5 and am happy with the process.

      1. +1 Nordstrom Rack (32D here) – lots of selection in-store as well.

   6. Simone Pearle. Bit pricier but I’ve had some of their molded T-shirt bras last for years.

   7. You have to be in your 20s to wear Third Love?

   8. 30DD. I like Parfait by Affinitas. I’ve had trouble with mall brands not having the proper spacing between cups for smaller band sizes (when they even carry smaller sizes).

8. Any recommendations for Georgia (the country) in July? My friend and I will be there for one week, and we’re looking into Tbilisi and Kazbegi plus maybe one or two more areas. We love rambling around in old cities in search of good food, so any restaurants/must-see/viewpoint recommendations would be very much appreciated!

   Also, I heard the countryside is beautiful, and would love to hear any advice on other places I shouldn’t miss out on. We’re fairly relaxed travelers planning to venture out for maybe 3-4 days outside of Tbilisi. My friend and I can’t drive, and will probably try to join a tour or hire a cab/car for the trip out to Kazbegi and any other regions. Thanks in advance!

   1. My husband’s going there later this month – I’ll post back with his recs. While the Georgians are incredibly gracious hosts and will open their home to you for hours and their culture is vibrant and lovely, but I’d be somewhat careful about traveling there if you’re American. Russia is meddling with the country and they aren’t exactly a U.S. ally, despite what the Cheeto says. (See: American tourist caught in Moscow right now.)

   2. You’ll be fine traveling as an American. Tbilisi is great. I recommend Rooms Hotel, especially the bar at night. Azarphesha, Mapshalia, Keto & Kote (hard to find, keep walking through the houses/buildings per good map) are nice for dinner. Take the funicular up to the viewpoint. I’d do a walking tour too. Must try all the food!
      Kazbegi is a rough ~4 hour drive from Tbilisi so just be prepared for that. The military road is not in good condition. I would actually recommend going to a different city. From Tbilisi, you could easily do a day trip to the national parks and also Mskheta/Dschwari cathedral.

   3. Georgia is a wonderful country, and fairly safe for foreign tourists (including Americans). Locals are hospitable and friendly. My husband and I spent 10 days there several years ago. In addition to Kazbegi (which is stunning; don’t forget to stop at beautiful Ananuri on the way to/from Kazbegi), we did a day trip to Gori (Stalin Museum and Uplistsikhe Cave Town), a day trip to Mtskheta (beautiful old churches and view of the confluence of two rivers) and an overnight trip to Svaneti (stunning hikes and ancient towers, if you have the time). It’s easy to get a taxi anywhere (inc to Kazbegi or Gori); negotiate for the best price. In Tbilisi, take the funicular to the top of the hill overlooking the city and have dinner at the restaurant there. Otherwise, the rule of thumb in Georgia seemed to be that the least fancy-looking, dingiest restaurants had the yummiest food, so follow your nose. Enjoy!

9. For those who gets migraines. Where’s you headache location? I used to get migraine around one temple, usually right. But since last month I have started to get severe throbbing headaches on both sides and forehead. Are they still migraines? Is it common for a migraine to be on both sides and forehead? I wonder if I should go see a specialist.

   1. Yes you can get migraines in different areas and yes you should see a specialist (typically start with a neurologist). My migraine attacks are usually focused on my right or left temple and sometimes the pain shifts over the course of the attack.

      The headache is just a symptom. Migraine is actually a lifetime neurological disorder and can be poorly understood by non-specialists and the general public. You’re best off getting treated directly by a neurologist (and by a headache specialist if it gets bad).

   2. Mine are on my left temple. FWIW- I believe that maxalt (what I personally take for migraines) is also used for cluster headaches, which I suspect sometimes I get as well.

   3. I am a regular migraineur and I couldn’t tell you where my headaches tend to be. My migraines are mostly aura (vision disturbances and blind spots, facial numbness, aphasia) and then the headache phase is accompanied by light sensitivity and nausea and exhaustion. So in my case the headache is honestly the least of my worries. I don’t think I’ve ever read that the headache needs to hurt in a particular place to qualify as a migraine.

   4. If they are new, they could be sinus related, especially around this time of year. I had a head cold a couple weeks ago and have had a headache ever since due to the sinus pressure. Not all migraines are sinus related, but some congestion in your sinuses might be making things worse. Strangely enough ibuprofen and some anti-histamine worked the best for me.

   5. Yes, can definitely be migraines. Make sure to ask if it could be hormonal. I’ve posted the long version of this before, but it took years (age 20 to 29?) of seeing all of the doctors and finally self-experimentation to determine that my migraines were almost entirely caused by the pill (specifically, the artificial estrogen). Switching to an IUD decreased the frequency from six times a month to twice a year. Obviously, that isn’t the cause for everyone, but it is worth exploring and wasn’t suggested by any of the specialists I saw (three ob/gyns, at least two neurologists, three primary care docs, and some oncologists who specialize in female cancers).

      I’m sorry you’re suffering and good luck!

      1. I think I said this in a prior post/comment you made, but want to add it here for the OP- the pill thing is REALLY common. I’ve also suffered from migraines for nearly the entire 3+ decades of my life, and wasn’t told about the pill correlation until I was at an appointment with a fertility specialist who mentioned it. I knew that I had problems with the pill, I knew I had problems with hormones, and I knew I had problems w/ migraines… but no one had every pointed out there might be a connection.

      2. Ah! I am anon at 1:22–thank you for validating this! I sometimes feel like an annoying broken record telling that story (and I hate that it hasn’t fixed the problem for my sister) but it was a real thing and I was just so flabbergasted that no doctor had suggested it!

   6. In my early 20’s I used to get migraines (one sided pain) and tension headaches (two-sided, more “global” pain). Between the two types of headaches I had a headache 24/7 all throughout college. A neurologist got me on medication that eliminated the tension headaches completely, and minimized the migraines. I’d for sure start with seeing a neurologist if possible. Medications such as Topamax can treat both (as far as I know).

10. Ahhhh — the puberty thing is happening in our house. I have daughters, who have brown fur (arms, legs, upper lip, armpits) like me. I grew up in the NEUS where that wasn’t unusual (plus, you were layered up in clothes for all but 3 months of the year).

    We live in the SEUS in the middle of the Blonde Belt (only her hairdresser knows for sure).

    Are there any good tween magazines where grooming etc would be discussed? I read Seventeen starting when I was about 11 or 12 (the privileges of getting your period at 11), which was good-ish for that sort of thing.

    I know I’ll offer laser hair removal to her when she is older (otherwise it was hard to go swimming b/c waxes and ingrown hairs are no joke; it was lifechanging for me). But she’s 10 now and I feel like all of this stuff is coming at her faster than anyone else in her grade at school (she is about the size of some grownups I work with while other kids in her class are still in 5-point restraint car seats).

    1. Not a magazine, but check out scarleteen.com

    2. Not sure if there are Tween magazines anymore…. just blogs.
       Have you tried “The Care and Keeping of You”?
       Also… my mom is a bottle-blonde and high maintenance and I am… not. I don’t shave my legs even in summer, I go months without shaving my pits and my husband doesn’t mind my hairy other-regions and I wear a swimskirts so no one needs to know.
       Keep in mind your children might have different grooming preferences than you do. Or, it might change as they get older (they might be low-maintenance now and higher later).

       1. Absolutely — I’m not pushing it at all especially at this age (esp. b/c it seems that once you start it’s hard to stop — e.g. bottle blonding, shaving, etc.). But I don’t know what is market even b/c getting the fur lasered off was such a relief (I had Chewbaca’s arms, not a good look, and I didn’t want to wake from a hypothetical coma with a full Freddy Mercury mustache).

    3. Do not push your daughters into hair removal. Trust me, they will take care of it themselves if and when they want to. You can provide a razor or whatever then but even offering it now is going to send the clear message that you think the offending hair should be removed. Let your kids be kids a while longer.

       1. As the mother of a teen, I disagree. Trust me, she is getting made fun of if she looks different from the other kids, but she may not be comfortable asking mom for solutions. It is up to the parent to offer options that the child can choose when she is ready.

    4. Please don’t ever refer to your daughters as furry or having fur. It’s dehumanizing. They may have hair. It may or may not bother them now, or ever, or it might. I think this is something that a magazine or handout isn’t good at.

       1. +1. This post is so offensive.

          1. I am a fair-skinned brunette who has dealt (often poorly) with excessive hair starting with a very early (like earlier than everyone else in my grade). It was awful. “Fur” isn’t too strong a term in describing for internet strangers the level of excessive dark hair and how out of sync I felt compared to the rest of my peers. I get it. I doubt that the OP would ever use that term to describe her daughter to her daughter’s face (and with sons it may be more acceptable or less of a big deal). But I get it — I hated the fur. Hated being noticeably furry. Hated not being able to do gymnastics or go to pool parties. It wasn’t fair. I can call that stuff what I want to. And I call it fur.

       2. Whether she intends to offend or not, the OP’s word choice just screams its shame right off the page. I hope that you find a way to be accepting of yourself, and also of your daughters’ perfectly normal bodies. .. .

          1. +1. This post reeks of maternal body image issues.

       3. Eh, lighten up and give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s writing anonymously about her own children, so I expect she’s speaking with love and a little self-deprecating humor.

          My suggestion is to be open about what you do for you’re own self-care and be non-judgmental about what others choose to do. I think my mom introduced me to shaving my legs when I was 12 and she taught me how to do it correctly. A friend whose mother discouraged shaving her legs wound up dry shaving her legs by herself and really scraped herself up. Then thought she was just too sensitive for shaving and did nair on her legs for a few years (till sleepaway camp where other girls taught her the right way). Growing up is hard!!

          1. Shaving your legs is not self care! Oh my gosh.

             1. Is ANY grooming self-care then?

             2. It may not be the mental “self-care” that everyone talks about, but it’s physical self-care – aka grooming.

             3. Nope. Self care is an actual thing with meaning, and that meaning is not how you wear your hair.

             4. ok, bad choice of words. self-care is a recently invented term. I did mean grooming. I’m 43 so give me a break on learning new lingo when I’ve been using different lingo for 25+ years. Jeez, this is a blog commenting. You can’t expect people to select their words as carefully as you would in a legal brief. E.g., “fur” to describe hair on your arms and body when you live in a “blonde belt”.

             5. Please define “self care” if you’re going to be so high and mighty as to tell others what it isn’t.

          2. Self-care isn’t a recently invented term. It’s been around for a long time, generally in the medical context, often when discussing care for individuals with chronic illnesses and their caregivers. It’s recently been popularized. It’s also used in activist circles and the 2016 election gave it a boost in that context. IMO, it’s been co-opted by marketers who want to sell us personal grooming products and associate buying their crap and performative femininity with psychological well-being <—that's what bugs me.

    5. This was a difficult journey for me, so I can’t tell you how to do it right, only some pitfalls to look for. I inherited lots of hair from my dad, and was super self conscious about it. There might have been locker room mockery, I don’t remember. But I was around 11 years old and really wanted to shave, and my mom wouldn’t buy me anything/wouldn’t show me. Her refusal made it feel even more like my issue was not normal and shameful. I also had to figure out all the methods on my own.
       After many years and reading more body positive and feminist literature I’ve gotten more relaxed about it, and found a place where effort is manageable and I feel like I fit in.
       I’d think it’s important to tell her that it’s her choice what to do with her body, help her figure out the right method and promise it gets easier.

       1. This. Not offering help or offering too little help can be just as hurtful as body shaming in my experience. Talk to her about what she wants and help her find the tools that work well for her.

          Also, FWIW, I thought using the term “fur” was sort of an endearing take on body hair and didn’t automatically assume it was dark–I actually assumed the opposite until OP specified. Fur can be cute and sweet, unwanted dark body hair, less so (for me, at least, though I know that is not universal).

       2. Yeah, my mom never talked to me about this and I was too shy/nervous/anxious to ask her. So I kind of stumbled through myself and it was awkward and weird.

    6. Agree with other posters who said to leave it up to your daughter. Body acceptance has come a long way since you were a pre-teen, even in the blonde belt, so you don’t know how she’s going to feel about her body hair unless you’ve already signaled shame to her. Let her decide.

       I have an older teen daughter and she does shave, but will also go pretty long in between shaving. I think she’s wonderful either way and the important thing is that she thinks so too.

    7. I’ll be the dissenter. I’m Indian, grew up in the mid-West and was *hairy*. And chubby. And nerdy. All around fantastic package.

       My mom made me wax my mustache and unibrow early. THANK GOD. She did me a solid, and I am forever grateful. She didn’t put a lot of “energy” around it. So it never seemed like this huge looming thing in my life. It was just a little maintenance *shrug* no biggie. She taught me how to shave my legs and then sort of let me be. (She was more concerned about managing the facial hair.)

       For those of you who are advocating letting it be — were you hairy in adolescence? Like with a dark mustache? It’s no way for a middle schooler to live. For those of us who actually live with it, idealsim is not the way.

       1. Of course the parent should help her figure out hair removal, if that’s what the child wants. But that’s very different than the parent initiating the conversation. And yes, I was very hairy (with dark hair and fair skin, so it’s super noticeable). I’m forever grateful my mother loved her body and my body “as is” and didn’t push me towards dieting, hair removal or hair dying. It’s the best gift she gave me. I’m definitely no supermodel, but I LOVE my body in a way few women I know do, and I know it’s because my mom modeled that behavior for me.

          1. Most 10 year olds are not self aware or confident enough to recognize they need help in this area. I’m so glad my mother broached the subject with me. Because I would never have done it.

             1. THIS. I was soooo embarrassed to ask my mom for help with my very dark hair on my very fair skin. I didn’t know how to ask, if she’d tell me I was too young or vain, my friends hadn’t gone through it… When my daughter was younger than I was when I finally got around to it – after years of being very self conscious and not doing activities – I gave her a razor, showed her how to use it, and told her whether she wanted to or not was totally up to her. I didn’t care, but I didn’t want her to not have the option actually handed to her to make her decision one way or the other.

             2. Not all of us agree that a 10-year-old with natural body hair “needs help.” I suspect we have fundamental disagreements about what is best for helping pre-teens develop self-confidence and survive the onslaught of messages telling them they’re not pretty enough or feminine enough. I hate to see that message coming from mothers too.

             3. Anon @ 12:57 – you are missing the part where all of these women are expressing gratitude to their mothers. You may hate the message, but we are thankful.

          2. My mom initiated the conversation and I’m glad she did. It would have been awful to wait until the other kids made fun of me to help out. Like I’m sure no one realized I had a mustache and unibrow because she waxed it off in fifth grade right before the other kids would have started noticing.

       2. Thank you so much for this. As a hairy Greek girl (like Nia Vardalos said “a swarthy six year old with sideburns”), I feel like anyone who is really blase about this never had to deal with the stigma of being really hairy when young.

          1. +1 million

       3. Hairy Latina who grew up in the thick of the blonde belt, where winter is maybe high 40/low 50s.

          SUPER thankful that my mom let me wax my fabulous unibrow (had glasses and braces and was taller than everyone else and spoke with an accent, yay) in elementary school. She did not want me to begin removing facial hair b/c once you start, you continue doing it, so she let me use facial hair bleach on my upper lip and on my arms (from elbow down). It was so nice to feel “kind of” normal and prevent further bullying. I no longer bleach my arms and just remove lip hair with the tiny eyebrow razors you find at CVS.

          ALSO, to everyone saying to just hand her a razor, please consider that your experience may very well have been that a normal razor is sufficient. My super thick dark hair resulted in a ton of in-grown hairs and it grew so fast that it made bathing suits and bikini lines at camp difficult to maneuver. I was not someone who could shave at home and then not shave for days while at camp. I also had big boobs and didn’t know about things like sports bras and ways to be more comfortable. It would have been a lifesaver for my mom to recognize that my hair and body was wildly different from hers and that I needed help figuring out different methods that would be healthy, but also help me feel comfortable. OP, if your daughter is interested, consider talking to a dermatologist or a great esthetician who would be able to suggest helpful things. For example, exfoliating with a natural scrub is crucial for my bikini line to prevent ingrown hairs, etc., so I always travel with my scrub. For a while, I used a special lotion after shaving that prevent ingrown hairs that my dermatologists recommended.

          FWIW, once I got comfortable with my grooming levels and married a dude who could care less about what any hair is doing and learned how to care for my hair (long, tousled hair and strong eyebrows–being hairy really helps for being on trend nowadays, ha), I turned into a conventionally attractive human who loves her hair and is super confident.

       4. I am Indian and was made fun of my mustache in middle school. Although it was tough then, I am really glad that I went through it.

    8. I’m also super hairy & started shaving around that age- I got the billy razors on a recc from this group & love them (also a super hair/body positive company!). All I have to say is, I got made fun of plenty for my 5’oclock leg shadow during middle school… and it just made me stronger and care less about other’s opinions about my body. Now I could care less what people have to say about my hair. I did get laser in my early 20s and that did minimize the hair and irritation (ingrowns are no jk, and I used to get TERRIBLE ones), but now I rarely shave & rarely does anyone have anything to say to my face about it, and if they did, they’d get an earful from me.

    9. Good grief. This board sometimes…

       Fellow dark-haired woman who grew up in the Blonde Belt. I got my period at NINE, so not only did I have dark hair, I had curves. I was that poor girl you see sometimes in line in elementary school who’s a full foot taller than her peers. Omg, my life was just miserable for so, so long.

       What I would have loved for my mom to have done was place a note in my bathroom with a razor and shaving cream and say, “Happy to show you the ropes whenever you’re ready. How about Saturday?”

       What my mom did that I still feel embarrassed by: grab my arm, hold it up, stare at my underarm to see hair, and say, “Woo boy, yep, time for you to start shaving.”

       Also, a big rec for Sally Hansen brush-on hair cream remover. I’ve used it for probably 15 years. Perfect for the upper lip and sideburns (and a unibrow, if done carefully). https://www.sallyhansen.com/us/hair-removal/brush-hair-remover-creme-face

       1. It’s not “good grief”. A few of these posts are “othering” other women based on what looks like a feeling of shame coming from the posters themselves. Is the Blonde Belt really a thing? I’ve never heard it before and live in the South. You do you.

          1. I’ve never heard the phrase “the blonde belt” before, but I live in the SEUS, and I’d say it’s a thing. It’s almost incredible to me how differently I’m treated when I conform to local grooming norms (i.e., true blonde not dirty blonde, blown out not air dried, etc.).

       2. I posted above- but I grew up in CA– land of plenty of diversity and definitely got made fun of a ton because of my body hair, so can only imagine that it would be worse in a homogeneous area that focuses on traditional standards of beauty, like the south (I’ve heard?). I think part of the problem is that hair crops up more in middle school…. when ALL sorts of other social and emotional developmental stages are occurring (namely that you want to be like everyone else and not be different). Most of us survived, thrived, and became awesome adults… but being made fun of from 10-14 can leave a lot of scars that persist well out into adulthood. I think the key for getting out of it the least unscathed is having supportive parents (I didn’t actually explain above, but my parents (my dad was there too) gave me a razor and showed me how to shave. I attempted lots of other hair removal methods that just didn’t work out for me- mostly because my skin is super sensitive. My mom also showed me body hair was ok but not taking it too seriously herself either and not focusing on it, and being ok with having grown out hair as well- we are Italian and I often saw women with pit and leg hair when we visited family as well, and it was totally socially accepted, which gave me a good counterbalance perspective).

    10. I suspect the posters who think it is horrible to propose hair removal for a 10 year old are not hairy.

        I would frame this as proposing what hair to remove/how to remove it – i.e., how about we do this? Or I’ll show you how to do this? If she resists or is uninterested, then maybe let it go and tell her to let you know if she changes her mind and check in periodically. But not offering to help and expecting her to come to you is a recipe for her to get bullied/have self-image issues/not understanding grooming. The norm is for women to remove at least certain body hair, whether we like it or not, and not teaching her about that just doesn’t make sense.

    11. Why don’t you tell them not to shave and not give a f**k. I have switched to doing this.

        1. That is a fine choice for you to make as an adult, but it’s cruel to expect a 10-year-old to just suck it up and deal. The child should know all of her options and have a choice.

    12. There’s an interesting perspective on hairy teenage and young adult years in “Gross Anatomy. A Field Guide to Loving Your Body, Warts and All” by Mara Altman.

        The first part of the book is about having (a lot of) body hair, the history of removing body hair and self worth issues connected with unwanted body hair. It’s very US-centric (at least it feels that way from Europe) but gives an interesting insight into what it might look like to feel that you are that one person with more body hair than anybody else you know, in a society that greatly favours hair-removal.

        I wouldn’t recommend it to a tween, but I would definitely recommend it to a mother of “furry” daughters, as a modern, funny and somewhat neurotic description of being hairier than what’s assumed to be standard. It gives some nice input into what a young girl might get hung-up on, and think is not normal, or shameful, even while growing up in a body positive family, and an extra set of thoughts about hair to add to your own.

    13. Whoa these responses are nuts.

        For bathing suits, suggest boy shorts or swim skirts. There are a lot of cute ones out there these days.

        Don’t shame her decisions or her body, but let her know how to manage heavy body hair if she wants to. Frame it as: you can let it be, or if you don’t like it, here are the (healthy, safe) options.

        Don’t do what my mother and sister did, which was just make fun of my eyebrows and say snotty things about how they just wanted to tweeze my “unibrow.” (I did not have a unibrow. I just had not-tiny eyebrows that I didn’t tweeze until age 35 because I couldn’t stomach doing that thing which family attempted to bully me into doing.)

11. Anyone listen to the podcast Best of Both Worlds with Laura Vanderkam and Sarah Hart-Unger? It’s about balancing work, family and life, but I don’t have kids and still find it interesting (and occasionally annoying!). I have so many thoughts about it but don’t know anyone else who listens. Seems like the kind of thing that would appeal to this group.

    1. I know lots of us over at the mom’s page listen to it. I totally agree with your assessment – super interesting but also at times annoying, not everyone has endless resources to buy more childcare.

       1. Or *wants* to buy more childcare.

          1. This.

          2. This. I don’t want to be away from my kids for much more than 40-45 hours a week.

          3. Yep, exactly. I don’t *want* to outsource bedtime duties or have the nanny feed my kids dinner. (OK, I do some nights — but as a regular practice? No.)

    2. I am a big fan of Laura’s books, but I find the podcast annoying. I feel like they brush off to easily the challenges that prevent people from doing all the things they do. Or maybe I’m just defensive and insecure, but the podcast always makes me feel judged somehow, so I stopped listening.

    3. I find Laura SO condescending to guests and to Sarah! She’s always like, “oh, I guess that could work for YOU…” On a recent episode she did that about renting. Sarah is renting and Laura was like, “well, I wouldn’t want to rent and deal with smaller older houses” and Sarah said, “Oh, well… I’m okay with that” and just the way Laura talks to her, I wouldn’t be able to deal!

       Laura sounds almost clinical the way she talks about her kids and family, like she’s trying to squeeze them into her perfectly arranged time blocks. And I definitely feel like she’s judging everyone who doesn’t follow her oh-so-perfect scheduling/time maximizing approach to life.

       Also, she never mentions that she married a guy in private equity (I think, or investment banking or some other $$$ industry) who was a good decade older than her. That certainly plays into how her life has turned out. I wish she’d be more candid about it.

       1. She’s even judgy about Sarah’s part-time work arrangement — which is still what most people would consider full-time!

          I agree that Laura sounds really clinical when she talks about her family. I like some of her tips, but how in the world do you “optimize” everything when kids are unpredictable?

    4. I listen to it and like it, although I agree completely with the comments above. It offers a different perspective from other parenting podcosts and blogs I read (other than this s i t e’s moms page) in that it tends to take a very practical view of everyday issues. In contrast, I used to love The Longest Shortest Time but cannot stand it anymore — the topics are just so uninteresting to me (I do not care about the history of toys, or why baby shark is popular). Also, I listen to and generally like Mom and Dad are Fighting, but the hosts seem to compete to see who can be the coolest/wokest parent, which can be annoying to me in the same way Laura’s judgey-ness is. I’m never going to be that super cool parent who is fine kids drinking in the basement, and I kinda love that Laura and Sarah seem to be similarly “uncool.”

    5. I listen, and I have mixed but mostly positive feelings about it. For me the overall message is – yes you can have a career that requires more than 40 hours a week (or a lot of travel) but there are the costs and this is how we choose to deal with them. Or maybe it isn’t that you work over 40 hours, but you work and still have significant out of work interests that aren’t your kids (like Sarah who works 80% while blogging, pod casting, etc). It’s been very helpful for me in figuring out the logistics of having kids, maintaining my personal and professional goals, and not feeling guilty about all of it.
       I think the objection many people have to Laura is that she is absolutely unapologetic for having extra care, and by implication of needing care – not spending time every possible moment with her kids. Bluntness like this in women can often be taken as judgement because as women we are taught to apologize for our non-traditional opinions before articulating them.

       1. My personal objection to Laura is not that she’s blunt and unapologetic about needing and using extra care (for which I applaud her), but that she is still talking about optimizing individual lives – a very neoliberal perspective that is reminiscent of the bro-culture of ‘life hacks’ – while the world has moved on to discussing much broader cultural and societal change. I had to stop listening halfway through their interview with Gemma Hartley (‘Fed Up’) because she was so oblivious – sure, it’s fantastic if you are a benevolent employer of a nanny or housekeeper and if you’ve devised systems that work for your family, but male partners *also* need to step up and do their share in the home, y’know?

12. How do I take back control of a nickname at work? There are two Jills at the office, I recently transitioned to a Sales position and joined a new dept. Now I am known as “the other Jill”… not sure why this irks me so much- we both get along and have approx the same tenure at the company. The odd thing is that we are (and have always been) in sep depts so unsure why this is happening now.

    1. Can you use Jillian instead? It’s natural that people want to clarify which colleague they are referencing. There are three Traceys in our office so everyone tends to use their full name when referring to them.

       1. I mean their full name in the sense of the first and last name together.

    2. Be Acconting Jill or Legal Jill or Jill with the Rainbow Hair.
       Do NOT be The Other Jill – you were there first!! SHE’S the OTHER one!!
       Remember the 10 rules of dueling from Hamilton – and then shoot.

    3. We have about 101 Mike’s… literally on my 10 person team, lol. We just call them: Mike B, Mike D, Mike F– whatever their first initial is (on the occasion where they have the same last initial, because there are 2 with that too- full last names are used). I’d start calling other Jill that as well and hope it catches on.

       1. There’s a good chance you are hearing ‘other Jill’ because you are the Jill there, so it’s a differentiator… she is probably hearing the same thing.

    4. Wait- this is funny,but I just realized most of my colleagues refer to each other by their last names. My first name is extremely common, so people mostly call me by my last name or an abbreviation of my last name. One boss here calls me by my first name sometimes and it’s jarring because it’s started to sound like something only my husband calls me.

13. What are your favorite lip stains or transfer-proof lipsticks? I have Invisalign and my normal options (tinted lip balm and normal lipstick) start costing it and getting stuck in the creases. Not cool. Any suggestions?

    1. I like covergirl colorstay. Although I have noticed the selection of colors in stores isn’t that great even though there are tons of options online.

       1. Revlon Colorstay or Covergirl Outlast?

          1. Oh. The covergirl one is the one I use and like.

          2. And I love Revlon Colorstay. I buy the one in the tube with clear gloss on one end but I don’t bother with the gloss.

             1. Do you just wear it straight? I find that if I don’t put something (even just chapstick) on over the color it feels unbearably gluey and sticks my lips together. Does that mean I’m applying it too thickly?

             2. Maybe. I generally just put it on my bottom lip and them smack and rub my lips together until it’s how I like it. So just a thin coat. (Can you tell I’m pretty slapdash about the whole thing? I never wore lip color at all until I found this because I hate the feel of it and can’t be bothered to reapply.)

             3. That sounds perfect. The reason I’ve been wearing tinted balm is so I can be very slapdash about it and run out the door. Thanks!

    2. I love Revlon Colorstay Overtime liquid lipstick, which comes in a double-ended tube with the color and gloss separate. The first one I bought was scarlet; I wore it to Five Guys and couldn’t tell the difference. (PP, I think Covergirl’s long-wearing lipstick is called Outlast.)

    3. It’s not marketed as a lip stain, but Benefit’s Benetint is my go-to lip stain. I wear a lip balm over it.

       1. Nars Powermatte works for me. I also like Chanel’s double-ended long wearing lipstick, but that is an extra step.

    4. Jeffree Star liquid lipstick is long-wearing without being harsh on the lips. (Lots of other long-wearing brands will make my lips bleed from irritation, this one not at all.)

14. My family will be in London for 2 nights in June and I’d like to stay somewhere near Victoria Station so we can take the train to Gatwick airport. Anyone have any hotel or airbnb recommendations? If you had only a day in London with elementary school kids, what would you do or see? Thanks.

    1. Natural History Museum is my rec.

       1. Yes, that one and the Science one. If they are Harry Potter fans you should take them to St Pancras station to see the platform.

    2. London Eye, Tower of London, Westminster Abbey. Natural history museum is a beautiful building but not worth the time, the collection is dated and lackluster.

       1. I agree with the rec for the Tower. If you came from Gatwick, Google for the 2 for 1 deal for the tower.

    3. I stayed at the Hilton Victoria on a business trip with frequent back-and-forths to the client’s office near Gatwick. It’s literally across from the station which is convenient, and it’s clean, with decent-sized rooms for London and a nice breakfast, and the staff was lovely. I was transferred to a more “local charm” type place for the second part of the trip and honestly, if I go back I’m staying at the Hilton the whole time. The second place was pricier, had smaller rooms and a vaguely mildewy smell, and the breakfast was extra and ridiculously expensive so I skipped it. It’s an expensive area.
       I would honestly just take a long walk through Regent’s and Hyde parks, stopping at Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham palace, and maybe a quick trip to Oxford Circus to squeeze in some shopping if the kids are up for that.

    4. This isn’t quite the location you requested but we stayed at an AirBNB in London a few years ago and it was wonderful, so I’m passing it along. I’ll post in a separate comment so I don’t end up in mod. It was me and my husband traveling along with a 6-month-old, a 3-year-old, and a kindergartener; we also stayed in the flat with my 70-year-old dad. Plenty of room, great layout and amenities, and fabulous location.

    5. Here’s my AirBNB rec: https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/5824668?guests=1&adults=1

    6. London Connection for a place to stay – lots of options!

       I would do the Tower of London if we were there for only a day. You could also go to the National Gallery, Westminster Abbey, St. Paul’s, but keep in mind that places may be really crowded depending on the number of tourists etc.

    7. Definitely the Tower of London. I was 10 when we first went to London, and I loved it: history, jewels, ravens…

    8. You can definitely stay close to Victoria Station, but I just thought that I’d add that there are trains to Gatwick from London Bridge station as well. If you get the fastest direct ones they take just under 30 minutes. (It’s the Brighton line). These have less room for luggage than the Gatwick express from Victoria, but are super convenient (and half the price), so worth checking out if you want to stay close to the Tower of London, Bankside or the Globe.

       I would have loved the British Museum as an elementary school kid, with the mummies, the Rosetta stone and the Parthenon. But then that book (don’t currently remember the name) with the two kids who run away and lives in the Met was one of my faves.

       1. From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler! I love that book. The British Museum also has tons of great Egyptian sculpture and the fantastic giant Assyrian winged horse-men (?) guards and lion-hunt bas-relief sculptures. And Bog Man and the Sutton Hoo Treasure, I think.

15. Ladies, I’d welcome gift suggestions for my mom’s birthday. She’s 65 and kind of hard to buy for. Her style (not her budget) trends toward Eileen Fisher. I’d rather not get her clothes though. She’s a great cook but doesn’t really need anything for the kitchen. She’s pretty unconventional. I had a baby three months ago (my mom’s first grand child) but I don’t think she’d like any cheesy “best grandma” type stuff. I already gave her a framed pic of my daughter for Xmas.

    I know I haven’t given much to go on, but has anyone hit it out of the park lately with a ~$150-200 gift? TIA!

    1. Would she enjoy a cooking class? I know I don’t need anything kitchen-wise but would get a kick out of taking a class to learn a few new recipes. You could probably get two classes for that budget.

    2. What about a spa treatment? That’s usually a hit with my mom.

    3. Tasteful jewelry with your child’s birthstone?

       1. I like this one.

    4. I know you said she doesn’t really need anything for the kitchen – but maybe a fancy cooking [something] in a fun color? I’ve been eyeing a Le Creuset in teal. Or some fun serving wear? Or happy tea towels from Anthropologie and a couple of mugs?

       What about jewelry? Maybe with baby’s birthstone?

       1. Fun objects for the house/kitchen from Pylones (maybe a bit below your budget, and I know you said she doesn’t “need” them, but just for fun)?

          An overnight stay at a nice bnb/hotel with a nice view (if there is one within a reasonable distance)?

          Sturdy bookstands for her cookbooks (cheap but super useful — they saved my neck in law school, and my mom now has 2 of these; 1 in the kitchen and 1 for her general reading/studying foreign languages, linked below) in combination with another small gift/book? https://www.amazon.com/BestBookStand-Nice-Production-Bookstand-Bookstands/dp/B00MVBDLFC/ref=sr_1_fkmrnull_1?keywords=nice+bookstand+103&qid=1551716752&s=gateway&sr=8-1-fkmrnull

          My mom is also a fully-equipped, awesome cook/baker with a library full of cookbooks, but she asked to get me the Food Lab by J. Kenzi Lopez-Alt, and really enjoyed it.

    5. A fun new cookbook?

       1. Yeah cookbooks are expensive. My favorite recommendations are “Asian Dumplings” by Andrea Nguyen, Phoenix claws and Jade Trees, or Best Ever Indian Cookbook by Mridula Baljekar. Great introductions to international food. I bought Phoenix Claws for my dad for christmas and sent him a care package of some of the harder to find ingredients, like dried herbs, spices, and canned goods that I knew he wouldn’t be able to find in the Midwest.

    6. I know you don’t want clothes, but I can’t resist suggesting them anyway! As someone whose style also skews Eileen Fisher, but whose budget does not, I’d welcome a gift certificate for her clothing line — I could then add some of my own money and get something i’d really like.

    7. A ticket to visit her, or 1 to visit you (if you live far enough away) is my go-to gift for my parents.

    8. What about tickets for her and you for a show/play/ballet/exhibition/football match – something you’d both like, for a day or night out together (assuming somebody else can take care of the baby).

       Everlane might work for her if you do go for clothes?

16. I’m really thrown by something that happened today. My husband’s direct report gifted him an expensive tie as thanks for getting a promotion. Afaik he is faithful to me. And I’ve never heard of anyone ever doing this before.

    Thoughts? I’m pretty irritated by this and want him to return it. He says he was taken aback too but felt bad returning it.

    1. I”m assuming the direct report is someone you think your husband might be attracted to for an affair? Otherwise, this sounds like the kind of question that gets posted here all the time by a young professional trying to figure out the ropes: “I just got a promotion and want to thank my boss, who went to bat for me. What kind of gift shall I get him? A tie?” To which a chorus of posters respond, ‘NO! No gifts! Certainly not a tie!”

       1. That’s what I was thinking, given the language of “today” and it’s only 10am ET. Did your husband immediately text you about this?

    2. Oooh, how awkward. Just remember that direct report violated the cardinal rule of never “gifting up” in the office. She made it uncomfortable, not your husband.

       1. Because she probably doesn’t know any better. It’s not like she committed some mortal sin. And it certainly doesn’t mean she wants to have an affair with OP’s husband. OP, you need to calm down.

    3. Well, I just got an expensive bottle of wine from my direct report as a thank you for handling a few things for him while he was on an extended vacation and I am definitely not involved, so a gift for a promotion doesn’t seem that off to me. The tie is perhaps a little more personal than typical, but it’s still a business-related item so it seems like a small misfire.

       Do you have reason to be concerned about his faithfulness?

       1. I see a tie as equivalent to someone giving me a nice scarf. I wear scarves all the time, and someone who has observed my style and wants to get me something I would like might go that route. Slightly more personal in that they’ve tried to tailor the gift to me specifically, but not like they bought me lingerie or something. So don’t overreact to the tie.

          1. Also, depending on who she is and where she comes from she might not think it was an expensive tie. OR it was a re-gift or bought on deep discount. Or she has seen him spill Ketchup all over a tie in the office. Or worse, he asked her to try and get a stain out of a tie and ruined it in the process.

             Once my boss took me shopping with him to pick out a new suit/matching shirts/ties because he does not have good taste and his wife didn’t have time. She had hand surgery and thus couldn’t chauffeur him to the store, and he couldn’t drive because of a medical condition. In retrospect it does sound really weird. But, it was way more shopping with my dad than shopping with my boyfriend. That being said, I think it is very normal to buy dad a tie.

    4. Genuine question: Is there a specific meaning attached to giving a tie as a gift? This may depend on corporate/regional culture differences so I would defer to other commenters here, but my colleagues and I have gifted (on separate occasions) our bosses /professors with nice bottles of scotch (returning from travel/celebrating promotion), or ties ($200~300) for close friends (not colleagues / romantic prospects) who just started working, so to me it would read as a rather customary/bland choice of thank-you. My concern with gifting my current boss with a super expensive gift would primarily be with the impression of trying to curry favour with them, rather than improper conduct. But then again, it’s entirely possible that I’m just naive/clueless, or that the culture I happen to be in just skews toward gift-heavy.

       Question of individual feelings aside, some professors / bosses cite personal “zero-gift” policies and return anything from subordinates/students, even in (or because of) the abovementioned context — including refusing $2 cups of coffee, flowers for teacher appreciation days, any snacks for students, really any and all gifts under whatever pretext– to avoid the impression of receiving and giving favours (even if the intent is genuine appreciation). I guess it can be a bit awkward for the gifting party, but could possibly be a socially acceptable way of giving back a gift? I remember that although I followed the general culture in gifting, and even though it was a bit awkward, I ultimately appreciated and admired their efforts to remain impartial.

    5. Yeah this seems like an innocent mistake to me. Why did you jump from “not typical office behavior” to “are they having an affair?!”

       1. I agree, I think OP’s reaction is really weird – like the kind of reaction that causes men to not want to mentor women subordinates lest their wives get jealous. She gave him a tie not fuzzy handcuffs. Just be gracious and be proud of your husband for being a good mentor.

       2. +1 this seems like a silly office mistake (don’t gift up) that lots and lots of people make.

          Is there something else bothering you about your marriage? This response seems out of proportion to what happened.

       3. + a million! OP, sounds like you have some other issues you should be worrying about more than this.

    6. I’m assuming that the direct report is female? How would you feel if the direct report was male?

       I think this is to some degree cultural (either field or organizationally) because there have also been threads before on this website that asked what to get for a superior that wrote a letter of recommendation or went to bat for them to get a promotion and there were helpful comments (gift care for dinner, bottle of wine, etc). She may have misjudged the culture of her organization, but it’s not totally beyond the pale.

       A tie seems like a weird present for that purpose, but it’s also totally benign and boring. It’s not like it’s chocolate covered strawberries or anything.

       I just really think that interpreting career women’s actions with this sort of subtext hurts women professionally (Mike Pence, for instance). If it’s something that is okay for a male direct report, it should theoretically be okay for a female direct report too.

       1. This! Also, if he was having an affair, I doubt he’d come home and say “look at what Jane got me. So weird, right?” Even if Jane does have some crush on him, you should be able to trust your husband to handle it in an adult and professional way. The fact that you are upset suggests to me there are some underlying issues you, either individually or as a couple, need to work on.

       2. Agree with this completely.

    7. What on earth is wrong with you? That’s a nice gift. Not a sign he’s cheating. No he shouldn’t return it and you should get some help.

    8. This is not a sign that he’s cheating. (If he were cheating, he wouldn’t be telling you about gifts from his AP, for starters.) That said, it’s inappropriate for a manager to accept expensive gifts from his reports, *especially* as a thanks for a promotion. It looks like quid pro quo; even if it’s not this is a classic “appearance of impropriety” situation. He should thank her graciously, explain that he can’t accept it/has to return it, and gently clue her in.

       1. Exactly.

       2. This is a great response re: inappropriate to create appearance of accepting gifts in exchange for promotion but acknowledge that the report was well intended.

       3. +1 it looks like quid pro quo and for that reason, he should gently return it.

    9. Are you okay? Are you having a bad morning? To jump from “subordinate gave my husband a tie” to “I’m angry, is he having an affair” seems like…a lot. Is there any reason you think your husband is unfaithful? Gently, are you the jealous type?

       All this to say that I think this is a “you” issue not a husband’s subordinate or even a husband issue. A tie is a really innocuous gift – it’s the sort of gift you give Dad or Grandpa when you literally can’t think of anything else more persona. The subordinate depending on her budget may not even consider it to be expensive. I truly do think it’s a case of not knowing to not gift up. Maybe your husband did really go to bat for her and she’s really grateful. There is just no real reason to think the gift is anything other than clueless about office norms – your irritation is misplaced. If it makes you feel better just give it away.

    10. You’re being ridiculous.

    11. In defence of the OP, she said a really expensive tie. Taking her at her word, and believing that her judgement on this is good, I’m imagining that the husband now has a Hermes tie or somesuch.

        As gifts should not flow up, your husband has a socially acceptable out for returning it: establishing a workplace culture in which people do not give gifts to their bosses, even if handsome and thoughtful gift has to be returned.

        1. The price of the tie has nothing to do with OP’s total overreaction.

    12. This cannot be a real post.

        Also, while I know it gets said a lot here, the idea of not gifting up is not a universal thing – in my own firm and others around it, it is done quite a bit. Articling students giving champagne or Scotch to their principals to thank them for their mentoring etc. It is not as weird as it is made out to be…but I still think this post is fake.

        1. Agree on both counts. I trust the hive, but if giving up is not a thing, much of the world doesn’t know that.

           I was the big boss’s office in late December when someone came in with a lovely bottle of his favorite spirit. He thanked the gifter kindly and when the gifter left, he placed it into a liquor store box with 11 other identical bottles. He then explained that it’s his favorite, but he has one drink every weekend and he’s had a lifetime supply since the December after he was promoted.

           1. That’s when you start regifting! I have a local spirit that I really love and most of my friends know that. I get bottles of it as gifts a lot, certainly faster than I would ever drink it. I re-gift those puppies all the time :)

           2. Yeah, I love getting liquor or wine as gifts because it’s so easy to re-gift. Also I don’t ever go to Starbuck’s so all the Starbuck’s gift cards get re-gifted.

              1. (Love getting liquor or wine as gifts… but not from subordinates at work!! #saynotogiftingup)

           3. I have often given my bosses gifts… often of liquor (usually around $50). I appreciate them as mentors and often as friends (& often include a card saying such) and I think it’s appropriate to do that. I also agree that it’s a super easy gift to re-gift, or put out at a party, if they don’t like it, which is part of the appeal.

        2. Yeah, i’ve always gifted to my bosses. My trick is to find out what kind of art they like and get them an inexpensive print when I travel. It looks great, is thoughtful, and doesn’t break the bank. Doesn’t work for everyone, but its a good gesture.

           (And even if it is a fake post, its been a fun conversation).

17. A younger relative is at Big State U and is just drifting, majoring in beer. Slowly realizing that inorganic chemistry is hard and that the med school thing isn’t going to happen when your grades are bad. And since med school was always The Plan, there was no reason to plan for a real adult life after graduation (2 years away). I feel like this is when you get religion about your life (or don’t), but I went to a Tiny College where my friends were future-minded (so beer on Th, F, S, but you need to study the rest of the time and work towards your career path the rest of the time, which is 100% do-able). The rest of my family didn’t go to college. Can Big State U really help with career readiness? Or are they really overburdened and it is our job to help family member find his/her way? I feel a bit lost (as does relative, who really has a sinking feeling). All is not lost, I know. Thoughts? Advice?

    1. In my experience, big universities have ressources, including career ressources, but no one is going to take you by the hand and walk you over there. Gently, your relative needs to pull it together, slow down on the beer, and start leveraging those ressources. Look into tutoring (my university provided it for free) and get an appointment with career services. A therapist can also help, although to be fair my university’s mental health clinic was notoriously overburdened and hard to get into.

       1. The thing that matters the most is whether you bring it or you don’t. But also it’s not a road to go through alone — are there any fraternity brothers staring down the barrel of med school applications? Job interviews? Bad first jobs? And even within academic departments, you have to network around professors who help future-minded students (same with career services) better than others. It is not the time to sit in your dorm room. Maybe there is a health careers club with a good advisor? Or someone to help re-assess majors or an an employment-driven minor?

       2. Seconding Equestrian attorney’s comment. I went to a big, public research university, and the one thing that made a difference (for me) was simply taking the time to peruse the online websites/announcements/bulletin boards in different academic departments for study abroad/individual tutoring/group counseling/individual therapy/mentoring/career and internship services and reach out to them as appropriate. I had several writing tutoring sessions, participated in two group counseling programs, ten individual therapy sessions, numerous leadership/meditation seminars (all free at my university or for a nominal fee, although wait list was 1+semester long), and ended up volunteering for mentoring and tutoring in my senior year. I’d say less than 20% of classmates were aware that these programs even existed, because no one was taking them by the hand and walked them there.

          Also, Princeton Review’s “Study Smart” and “the 7 habits of highly effective teens” was a lifesaver for me. I know it’s aimed at junior high/high school or even preteens, but for those of us who didn’t read it earlier, it helped with a lot of the goal setting / turning academics around.

    2. I went to a big state university, and I feel like bigger universities in general are more likely to treat you as an adult and less likely to hold your hand if you’re floundering. Maybe some are overburdened, but I always thought that to some degree, you’re paying for the personal attention at a private school. There are usually plenty of resources available at the big school, but it’s on the young person themselves to figure it out.

       There are medical careers that exist that don’t involve being a doctor. I would imagine that a big school with an affiliated medical school also has an allied health school. There are many tracks that would result in a well paying career. Some of those paths are more competitive than others though, and people usually track into those for junior/senior year.

       They could also start first responder type training to see if medicine is actually a career that they want to pursue at all. I had a floundering friend who was an EMT for a few years until she decided to go back to school to become a nurse.

       Also, depression/anxiety might be a factor. Might not be a bad idea to consult with the primary care doc or student counseling services.

    3. Big universities are useful because they really show the breath of career options available. Maybe medical school isn’t in the cards, but what about other health fields like phyisotherapy or pharmacy etc? The university should have counselling services. Start there.

    4. I work at a Big State U (but not student facing), also an alum and current part time student. It is true that self-motivation is vital to success. It’s very, very rare here that anyone takes an individual interest in a student unless the student takes a ton of initiative. When I took calculus and organic, I saw lots of students enter as pre-med and leave as psychology majors. That in itself is totally not unusual. You mentioned that the rest of your family didn’t go to college. Is your relative a first generation college student? If so, there may be resources available to help him navigate and plan. My employer has thrown a ton of money at programs for first generation and economically disadvantaged students, mostly geared towards getting them through and graduated in a timely manner as well as help navigating the bureaucracy. Wish it had been around when I was in undergrad many moons ago.

    5. God, this was so me. I was such an idiot. I look back and cringe at the opportunities I threw away. Yuck. I ended up going to law school because I had no other plan, and I’m now a successful attorney. I was very lucky.

       Somebody needs to sit down with them and explain they can either buck up and do better and go on to live a successful life….or continue on their current path and frame what that would end up looking like.

       1. LOL do you really think a come to Jesus talk would have done anything for you at the time? Doing that kind of thing is very unlikely to make a difference in the student’s life and realistically will probably just harm the relationship between OP and her relative. Stay out of it; stop being a helicopter relative. Let your adult relation be an adult.

          1. It worked for me.

             My mom sat me down and explained that I was going to be a “loser” (her exact word) if I didn’t straighten up. It was so shocking and honest, and I knew she meant it. Oh, she also explained that I would be totally cut off after college and that this wasn’t my house (we were sitting in my parents’ house at the time).

             So LOL, yes I do.

             1. I wish somebody had done this for me. First in my immediate family to go to college and I had no clue how to navigate, let alone take advantage of the opportunities offered at my huge state school. Minored in beer, graduated with honors, have done fairly well, but still kick myself sometimes for the wasted opportunities.

    6. I think this has less to do with the size of the college and more to do with the individual. Yes, of course large state universities can help with career readiness – there are millions of students graduating from them every year and starting work.

       First off, this is mostly up to your relative to deal with – you can’t make the decision for them to party less and focus more. And if they’re not asking for your help, you’re limited in how much friendly advice you can offer before you become a nag.

       I think the best thing you can do right now is try to help your relative understand that for most people, having a successful and fulfilling career is less about having a single plan and pursuing it relentlessly (although this works for a few) and more about being flexible and taking advantage of new opportunities as they arise. Share some stories about times you’ve changed directions in your life, or if you know others who have. I don’t know what your relative was like pre-college, but if this is out of character for them (i.e. they worked relentlessly to get to college), they may feel like “I failed, I give up” and you could help them understand that life isn’t binary.

       The last thing, not knowing the broader family context, is to be an advocate for your relative to the rest of the family. If there is a narrative of “I worked my fingers to the bone so Relative could go to Med School,” that can be a huge burden. Saying something like “Well, I’m proud of Relative for what they’ve already accomplished! And they’ve got a brave heart and are kind to animals! [Or whatever non-achievement related trait you want to mention]” can be really meaningful if your relative’s relatives are in the habit of complaining about this habit. (Try to avoid saying something that implies, “Oh, even if they don’t go to med school, you’ll be proud when they’re rich and successful in a different career!”)

       Ultimately, this is up to your relative to sort out, and there are plenty of people who don’t get religion about their life in college and still wind up being totally fine. And others who seem to have it all together in college and burn out. Just be supportive of your relative and encourage them where you can.

       1. +1 – You get out what you put in, in terms of the college experience. Big or small colleges are going to do a whole lot to make sure you get a job at the end of the year – they already have your money. Motivation on post-graduation has to come from the student themselves.

    7. Yeah if you want your sibling to grow up, let them. Big State Us have huge alumni networks and tons of resources. Your sibling can figure out how to use those now, or later. Not your life not your problem to solve.

       1. This is terrible advice for first gen students. College educated parents prepare their children for college in all kinds of ways whether they even realize it. Yes, students can figure things out the hard way, but that can come with a lot of regrets, missed opportunities, and competitive disadvantages. A family member who graduated college is a resource too.

    8. Cs make degrees. The most important thing is to finish, in something.

       1. I mean, not really. I’m an engineer and C’s may get you degrees but if you want a job at most companies you need at least a 3.0. Its important to finish with a good (doesn’t have to be perfect or even very high, but above a 3) GPA for most fields.

    9. Abandon The Plan? Lean into her strengths? I wish I’d had more fun in college, gone to all the parties and then gone into sales. The secret to financial success isn’t always grad school.

       1. Seriously. If she’s science oriented, a pharmaceutical sales job can be a lucrative career.

    10. Does this person want help? Plenty of people have trouble with these classes and go on to have fulfilling careers, I would let them figure it out unless they come asking. Big universities often have great alumni networks and lots of resources. I didn’t realize going into school how helpful the power of a big state name would be in my career, but I was basically handed an excellent job by companies looking to meet new hire numbers.

    11. Sounds like you should butt out of this and let your relative live his or her life.

        1. God, this is such an American view. I’m glad my family cared enough about me to intervene when I needed it.

           1. + 10000

    12. No direct advice on Big State but a) if she’s already getting a BS there is a TON she could do with that if she changes course now — pharmacy might be a good fit for the chemistry classes she already has; if she doesn’t like chemistry she might want to look into something like occupational therapy. B) If you have any friends in science-y careers who are not doctors I think now would be a great time to offer meetings with those friends to hear about their jobs.

    13. If anything, Big State U has more resources than Tiny College, but there are so many resources (advising, different kinds of student wellness, health, and campus life services, different kinds of tutoring and learning centers) that they’re difficult to navigate. To me, this sounds like something students take up with advising, but everything else I’ve listed could be an additional source of support.

18. Has anyone taken older elementary school aged kids into St. Peter’s or the Sistine Chapel in Vatican City? I heard it’s a long line and kind of a zoo, but I wanted to see if others thought it was worth seeing.

    1. Do it! We took my kids there when they were 3 and 7. The younger one didn’t care but the elder one was super impressed by the Sistine. Just go around 3pm or so which is the last allowed entry. So the bulk of people have been and gone and it’s better than showing up at whatever time they open, which is tough with kids.

       1. My parents took us there when we were 12, 10, and 8, and we all remember it vividly (more than 30 years later). We were very much an art/museum/cathedral type of family, so this was right up our alley.

    2. You can get skip the line tickets. I recall that there were a LOT available and, based on the reviews, some are scams, so be sure to do your research. I don’t remember where I got mine, but I think I went wherever Trip Adviser told me to go.

       1. You can get skip the line tickets directly from the Vatican Museum’s website. They also offer guided tours if you don’t want to find an outside tour company. There’s also an early entry option to skip the lines and theoretically see the sistine chapel before the masses descend (though some websites have suggested this has become so popular it’s now just as crowded as later) and a “breakfast at the vatican” that will also get you early, skip-the-line entry, though it’s much more expensive.

          1. We just did the early morning entry, called “Waking up the Vatican.” It is certainly not cheap. However, having done the “skip the line” the year before, it was totally worth it, to do one. You are in a small group of about 20-25 people, and you get to open the doors and turn on the lights of the Vatican, along with a pretty private tour. We took my 13 year old (who kind of hates museums), and he absolutely loved it. Also, with the early tour, you are allowed to both talk and take pictures in the Vatican, whereas you cannot during the day. I have amazing pictures of my family in the Sistine Chapel, including one with my son holding the key to the Chapel. Again, this is not an inexpensive tour, but if you can afford the ticket, it’s worth it.

    3. Book a small group tour (It’s not terribly expensive, less than $100 per person) and then you will get in with no wait or chaos. Definitely worth visiting with your kids.

       1. I dunno, a few hundred dollars for a family to take a one or two hour tour seems pretty expensive to me.

          1. The tours I’m talking about are 4+ hours. And a chunk of the cost is the Vatican museum admission, which is unavoidable if you want to visit it. I’m not a group tour person at all and thought this was very worth it. The guide’s narration was super helpful.

    4. FWIW, I was there in March a few years ago and walked over one morning pretty early (I think it was around 9AM) on a weekday. We waited all of 2 minutes to get into St. Peter’s. Did not try the line to the Sistine Chapel or the museum though.

    5. Absolutely worth seeing. FYI you can go to the vatican first and see the art and riches, then take the shortcut out of the Sistine chapel to St. Peters- follow a tour group if you don’t see the short cut.

19. How do you buy a home in a very competitive environment without a contingency to sell your home? We need sale proceeds from sale of our house to put down on the new house. Is there a bridge loan product or something people do to get this done? Our current home will sell – that’s not a question. It’s just a matter of coordinating the timing of the funds coming to us and then being available for the new home. People must do this all.the.time…. why can’t I figure out how to get it done?!

    1. Do you have enough in cash (that you’re willing to tie up?) to make a smaller down payment than what you’d intended? We bought a house without a contingency this summer. We had enough in savings to make the down payment and then repay ourselves with the sale proceeds, but if you’re expecting to get much more out of the house than you have in cash, you can “recast” the mortgage, where you make a lump sum payment and it adjusts the rest of your mortgage payments without changing the term or interest rate. Also, be aware that a lender will want to see that you can cover both mortgages if your older place takes awhile to sell.

       1. Oh, and bridge loans seem to be region/bank specific. My lender told me no one was doing bridge loans, but my brother got one in another state around the same time.

    2. We did this with a combination of a bridge loan and a 401(k) loan. All in, we had about $125,000 in equity in the house we sold, and the bridge loan/401(k) loan were each $50,000, for $100,000 down on the new house. The 401(k) loan was simple; we got the bridge loan from our mortgage broker.

    3. Yes, bridge financing. Or renting in between.

    4. I’m in the Bay Area and everyone I know who’s done this uses a bridge loan. Probably market/area specific, but yes, that could be an option.

    5. It depends on how hot your market is. We’re in a pretty hot market (good houses routinely sell in 24 hours, our house sold before it was on the market). Our agent told us that we likely wouldn’t be at a huge disadvantage if our house was already under contract and we were past the buyer’s due diligence. So we negotiated a close 2 months out for our buyer, and now that we’re through due-diligence, she’s confident it won’t be a huge issue. Then what would happen is once we find our new house, we do everything on the same day, (close on our house, buy new house). She said the moving company would move all our stuff out the day before, they’d hold it overnight, the buyer would do the walkthrough on our house, we’d close on our house that morning, and then in the afternoon we’d close on our new house and the moving truck would move everything in.

       1. Boston burbs. 12 miles to downtown. Price point is $750-850, so very competitive. We have $175k in net home equity after closing costs that we want to roll into the new home. We were going to do $225k down ($175k + $50k fresh cash), but that $175k is the trick. We have $125k in cash in the bank today, so we are not wanting to put a whole lot more than the $50k down so we don’t have to deplete our cash reserve. I’m talking to a mortgage originator (non-bank) and a regional bank this morning. Our issue is that we found a house we want to bid on tomorrow… we need a solution today.

          I really hoped that after exiting the first time home buyer market (<$600k more or less) we'd leave all of this nonsense behind. It's never easy. Le sigh.

          1. “Buy Before You Sell” from 1st Priority Mortgage (no I do not work for them or get kickbacks, just know someone there in senior management.)
             The way a lot of people around the country are dealing with this is by selling to a company: OpenDoor, Knock, Zillow. But they’re not in your area yet. (I grew up right where you’re describing!)

    6. We did a smaller down payment plus PMI and then immediately paid it down when we sold our condo.

       1. I think this is what we might end up doing. 10% down, and at most it would be 60 days of PMI. Still waiting to see if we technically can hold both mortgages at the same time for that 30-60 day window. I think we can… fingers crossed.

          A twinge within me is really nervous about not having the out tied to the sale of my home (what if my house doesn’t sell!?!?!?). Logic says it will 100% sell so I need to find a way to silence that little voice within.

    7. Talk to a broker and shop around. We are in your area and while we ended up not needing it, we had a second mortgage on the table- the main mortgage and then a second to deal with the down payment which was tied up in the equity from our first home. Ended up closing both on the same day.

    8. Sell your house and ask for a 1-3month rentback- so you are renting your home while trying to buy a new one. Coming with cash is a big thing in hot areas.

20. My husband and I will be spending a week in Waikiki, Oahu, Hawaii in mid-March. Unlike most trips which we spend tons of time researching before we book the trip, we booked this one on a bit of a whim. So, I’d like to ask if anyone has any recommendations or tips for good restaurants in the area, things we should not miss seeing/doing, tips for getting around Honolulu, etc… We are staying at the Royal Hawaiian (the pink hotel on Waikiki) and will likely rent a car for 1-2 days to go explore the North shore and other areas of the island, but beyond that we have no set plans. So, any suggestions would be really helpful!

    One specific question I have for those of you who have been to Waikiki before: Our hotel charges $40 per day to use their beach chairs and umbrellas, which will add up quickly. Are there other local places we could rent chairs from for less money (or anywhere on Kalākaua we could buy some beach chairs to use for the week)? Any tips on this are especially appreciated.

    1. When you use their chairs typically you’re also getting their towels and food and beverage service to your chair. It’s a beach town, you can buy a beach chair in basically every store.

    2. DH and I were just in Honolulu two weeks ago. For Food: We had a fabulous dinner at The Pig and The Lady and amazing drinks at Bar Leather Apron (which is inside the lobby of an office building, so it was a bit tricky to find). We also had a great and incredibly reasonably priced lunch of udon noodles and tempura at Marukame Udon. The line will be long, but it moves fast.

    3. Check out the website Hawaii Revealed. They have an app also.

    4. I was just in Waikiki three weeks ago! I highly recommend doing a helicopter tour with Magnum Helicopters. They have doors-off helicopter tours and you will get great photos. Dress warmly because it is COLD and windy.

    5. Hawaii Beach Time for rentals

    6. Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. I appreciate it.

21. For an upcoming return trip (west coast to east coast) I booked a Basic Economy ticket without thinking much of it. However, since then I have heard some bad things about BE tickets being canceled or being bumped off for a later flight. The flight is around 11 pm (red eye) and I would have to get a hotel room on my own dime if I can’t get out that night. Is this a bad enough setup that I should change my ticket? Any advice? I know I will have to pay for any checked bag.

    1. As long as you pay for an assigned seat you are pretty unlikely to get bumped. It’s usually the people who don’t have a specific seat assigned until check in that get bumped.

       1. With Basic Economy, you don’t get an assigned seat until check-in. That’s why the ticket is so cheap, because you’re running a big risk of being bumped.

          1. On a lot of airlines you can actually pay for an assigned seat with basic economy – you just can’t reserve anything in advance for free (like flying Spirit or Allegiant or simialr). It’s a weird/misleading quirk of the fare. I don’t know that paying for that reserved seat actually protest you from being bumped, but *this is where I need a shrugging emoji*.

             1. So I don’t know about domestic, but Delta doesn’t even let you buy seats internationally to Europe if it’s basic economy. You can’t choose at check in either. You just get assigned at the gate. They literally have your status as ‘standby’ on the screen until a seat number eventually shows next to your name.

          2. Do not buy a fare class that does not let you pay to purchase a seat assignment. It’s often an additional fee based on the desirability of the seat you select but picking a fare class that has your seat assigned at the gate is basically the same as flying standby.

    2. Is the flight full? You can check by looking at the seat selection as if you were to buy a new ticket. Red eyes tend to be emptier.

    3. I’ve heard those rumors, too, but I also see TONS of basic economy fares purchased for work trips and have never seen it happen in real life. I’m the person in my org who would get the call if something like that happened, even if I didn’t have anything to do with booking the original ticket.

    4. I pretty much exclusively book basic economy these days (and I fly a lot) and have never been bumped – it might just be luck but I honestly can’t tell much of a difference between basic and general economy. And as anon at 10:22 says, you could keep tabs on the seat map and if things start to look full decide whether you want to go ahead and buy a seat assignment – wouldn’t be a failsafe against getting bumped, but could maybe help. I think the worst thing you’re likely to run into is getting a middle seat.

       1. Yeah, I only do basic economy and have never gotten bumped even on full flights. Just make sure you check in as soon as the window opens. If you haven’t been assigned a seat, get to the airport early and have them assign you a seat at the desk at your gate.

    5. If THEY bumped you for the night, and it’s not weather related, wouldn’t they owe you a hotel? I’m a pretty frequent traveler and I thought that was by regulation.
       I think you can upgrade to non-basic economy for $12 of $15 to get an assigned seat, I would call the airline and see.

       1. +1

       2. That’s what I thought, too – if it’s not weather related I think they have to find you a flight on another airline or get you a hotel and I think that still applies for basic economy. But this hasn’t actually happened to me in forever, so I can’t say for sure.

       3. This is my understanding too. I fly a lot, and if it is not weather related, the airline should take care of you.

          If the flight is oversold, then they will start offering money for people to give up their seat. Some airlines will go pretty high. They usually end up getting enough people to take it that no one is forcibly bumped. In the rare case that no one is willing to get about their seat, then you may be at risk of getting bumped… But that is pretty unlikely.

    6. We flew that over Thanksgiving (with two kids no less) and had no issues. We were assigned seats with at least two together each leg as well (4-legs total). And one of the legs all 4 of us got upgraded. It’s basically always possible to have flight issues it feels like anymore, but I don’t know that the issues are necessarily any greater with “basic economy.”

22. I’ve been getting ads for M.Gemi shoes and I’m actually interested, albeit a bit skeptical since I’ve never heard of them. Does anyone have any? I’m mainly interested in the Stellato Sacchetto (their pointy flat).

    1. I have a bunch of pairs – they’re lovely. Expensive, but quality is great. They have pop up shops in big cities and a storefront in NY, one of those popular, internet companies like Cuyana that hasn’t gotten huge yet.

    2. I have two pairs of the Felize and love them. They have held up well. I plan on buying more!

    3. I have like 5 pairs and love them. I have three of the Stellatos, including the Sachetto. Quality is really good, IMO.

    4. I’ve looked at them (they seemed popular in blogger circles), but they were never stocked in my size (10.5/11), so I eventually stopped looking.

    5. How have you never heard of them, they’re mentioned here all the time.

    6. I already have a couple pairs, just bought 2 more! I stalk the “Before They’re Gone” section of their site for pairs on sale in my size.

    7. I bought a pair of loafers from there. At first they seemed really great (mostly because of the packaging). But the leather insert from the inside of the shoe broke off after about a month. One part of the shoes said made in Italy and another part said made in China (which i gathered was perhaps referring to that portion of the shoe). Overall, it felt significantly overpriced and less comfortable compared to my Coach loafers from TJ max.

    8. I have them. The felize, the stellato sachetto, and a pair of the heels. The stellato gets significant wear in the summer because it’s too fitted on me to wear with socks like my other loafers. The heels I bought for a wedding and are a bit too high for daily wear, but are super cute and well made. The felize I regret buying, I bought it in size 42, which they said was supposed to be equivalent to an 11, but I think it began to fit only because I broke its spirit, not because it actually /did/. The stellato sachetto fit basically out of the box, with some heel rubbing.

    9. In you are in NYC, they sell them at the redone shoe floor at 59th street.

23. Any advice for very dry skin in the area above your finger nail cuticle? My skin is really thin there and sometimes cracks and bleeds. It’s dry year-round but the bleeding is new to this winter. I tried getting more regular manicures and investing in a better hand cream but to no avail. Should I be using a cuticle cream? Baby oil? A salve for cracked skin?

    1. I would do a weekly cuticle soak in warm water, preferably with glycerin, hyaluronic acid, or another emollient. Then cuticle oil or vaseline over top, and don’t paint until the next day. It also makes a big difference to apply your hand cream super often — like literally every time you wash or sanitize your hands.

       1. Sally Hansen cuticle cream from the drugstore.

    2. O’Keefe’s working hands it a game changer. My knuckles crack and bleed in winter and it is the only thing that has helped. They make both a lotion and more of a paste as well.

       1. +1

    3. A friend had this issue and swears by Neutrogena’s Norwegian Formula hand cream. Idk if she also uses a cuticle cream.

       1. I’ve also used Neutrogena, but an “intense healing” version. And Eucerin. Whatever you get make sure it’s the intense or advance repair stuff. Also wear gloves when you do dishes. The hot water and detergent combo can really ruin your hands overtime.

       2. Neutrogena Norwegian Formula every time I washed my hands + lots of water cured my hangnails in three weeks.

    4. I use neosporin or vaseline personally.

24. I started WW in January and am having great success. Though I’m technically within a healthy weight range for my height, I’ve gained 20 pounds over the past year and would like to start creating better habits and maybe even fitting comfortably into my clothes again. My biggest problem seems to be those closest to me. They aren’t very supportive of what I’m trying to do. For example, if we go out for the night, my partner will be annoyed if I only want to have one glass of wine instead of multiple rounds. I will be mocked for being “on a diet” if I don’t want to have dessert after dinner with friends. Yesterday my partner ordered three people’s worth of takeout to our house, and when I said I was going to cook dinner in for myself, got pouty because he’d included me in the order (I told him not to beforehand).
    I’m not sure what is going on here. Do people think I am judging their choices because I am making different ones? Do people feel like I’m a wet blanket because I only want one glass of wine now and not three, or no dessert? I still indulge as much as I can within my WW points and NEVER talk about weight loss goals with people. If anything, it seems that other people are more happy to bring it up in a snide way or make comments about what I am or am not eating. How do I follow the path and navigate these interactions?

    1. This does not sound like a you problem. Stick to your goals, you’re doing good things for yourself.

    2. You say other people, but you have only brought examples about your partner. Is this a coincidence or are you couching how terribly unsupportive the partner is?
       Either way, with them and whoever else has a pattern of criticising your food choices in the way you describe, I would just ask directly. “You seem really annoyed every time I make a choice around eating or drinking lately. What’s going on?”
       You are right, your partner’s behavior seems like sabotage.

       1. Sorry, I meant to be more clear. It is my partner and also my friends. For example, this last weekend I went to a concert with my friends. We all had dinner before and we had some wine during the concert. Afterwards they wanted to go out and have snacks and drinks. I said I was totally happy to go with them but wouldn’t be eating so they could choose whichever place they wanted without my input. We got there, and every time anything was delivered to the table (the drinks, then their apps, then their main courses) I got the “do you want some of mine?” and when I said no thanks “come on, you’ve got to be kidding – you’re really going to sit here and not have anything??” It feels super awkward. I do not say a single word and yet am made to feel like I am bringing the vibe down just by being there.

          1. Alright well that situation is a little different. Think of it this way – going to a meal is an activity, like going to a yoga class. You’re essentially agreeing to go to a yoga class and then you’re sitting there on the sidelines not doing yoga. It’s weird and uncomfortable for everyone. Either don’t attend or attend and participate as you can – personally I order carrot and celery sticks with hummus (and don’t eat the hummus) or a side salad or a brothy soup.

             1. I mean, I have friends that don’t drink and will still go to happy hour and have a soda or something and are perfectly happy and involved in the conversations. You don’t need to drink to participate. Your friends aren’t being supportive of your choices.

             2. She ate. She just didn’t want dessert. That’s not the same as going to yoga class and sitting on the sidelines. It’s more like going to yoga class and modifying a pose to accommodate a knee injury. Doesn’t hurt anyone else and rude for anyone to make a big deal of it.

             3. Yeah, I ate dinner before going to the concert, and then had wine during the concert. That took up all my “weekly” buffer points that I use for splurges with friends and family. The concert ended early so they wanted to go out somewhere after. I was totally into it but not into eating or drinking anymore. They had nachos and quesadillas and beer and for me it wasn’t worth it. Awkward that I have to explain myself every ten minutes, though. It’s not that I’m refusing to partake ever, I am just trying to be more moderate than I have been in the past. And my friends really don’t like that.

             4. To Z – no you don’t have to drink alcohol if you don’t want to, ever, and I didn’t say otherwise? To anon at 1:31 – this isn’t about dessert, they were getting a whole nother meal that OP didn’t want. Like if you had dinner with people and they want dessert then of course you don’t have to get it too – you already participated in the main event. i.e. dinner. If someone asks you to go get ice cream with them, though, you don’t say yes and then get a water and watch them eat ice cream. To OP – if you didn’t want another meal then that’s fine! If the bar/diner/whatever has wings then they have celery sticks – order that. Celery sticks are 0 points. But no don’t agree to go to a second dinner with people and then get a water and watch them eat.

       2. This is typical human behavior I see all time and I’m sure it’s a combination of all the things you say but while annoying, I don’t think it’s ill intended. I’m not a drinker nor do I have a sweet tooth and oh my god the guilt trips people constantly take me on. Don’t take it personal (ANYONE declining drinks and sweets will be questioned) and do not let it stop you from reaching your goals.

    3. There’s a term “fat enabler” that I don’t like much, but it describes close partners and friends who intentionally derail your fitness or diet goals because they feel your dieting says something about them. Your partner may feel that he should also be eating healthier and if he can derail you, he will feel less guilty about his own choices.

       The more sinister angle is that some derailers fear their partners or friends becoming more attractive. It may be that they have always felt like the more attractive friend/partner and they don’t want to lose their position relative to your attractiveness. Or in the case of the partner, they may fear you will leave them if you become more attractive.

       You can read about this pretty much anywhere. You should know that the enablers often don’t know they’re doing it. If I were in your shoes I’d say something very direct to my partner about it, and probably be more oblique with my friends.

       1. It’s odd that you attribute such sinister motives to people who do this. In my experience, people usually just want the company of others dining and drinking. What I eat is more enjoyable if I am sharing it with someone; same goes for drinking.

          1. It’s a real thing and don’t do it to your friends.

          2. You can still enjoy food and drinks with your friends! Maybe you’ll need to order the hummus instead of nachos to share. Or they will drink more slowly, or alternate a glass of water with every drink, or maybe skip alcohol completely. But you can still eat or drink whatever you want.

             But yeah if you insist on getting the fried pickles to share when you know I’m trying to lose weight, or you pressure me to drink alcohol when I’ve said no thanks, then you’re not being a good friend. Maybe it’s just plain selfishness instead of a sinister motive but it’s still not awesome.

    4. If you were constantly talking about your diet to people (which is the most sinfully boring subject there ever was), that would be your problem, but it sounds like you aren’t doing that and that it’s your partner that has the issue. I would be direct with your partner and take it from there.

    5. First they ask why then they ask how. This is totally about them. Just stay the course. Congratulations on your success.

    6. My husband has been on a pretty extreme diet (no meat, no carbs- very picky) for the past 4 or so years (he lost about 80#s) and as time has gone on, our parents have joined (less extreme versions) of the diet. As the ‘your husband’ in this situation, I have to say, it is really hard at first to get on board because a lot of social activities are created around food and it can be challenging to create new rituals that are as relaxing. Is there a way to join without compromising your diet? Like in the take out example- my husband would have ordered veggies in a curry or something that fit his diet. He does drink wine, but only wine– if we go to a brewery, he gets the 1 wine option they offer, drinks diet coke or sparkling water- on my end, we go to a lot less places that focus on cocktails or beer. I have also come around and gotten used to the weird way he eats food (I used to find some of his habits wasteful and it really bothered me (like only eating the inside of a sandwhich), but now I’ve gotten used to it and I appreciate that he is able to go out and stick to his ‘rules’ and stay healthy (which is what kick started all of this to begin with) ). You also need to have a heart to heart with your husband, at some point not at the dinner table… I’m sure you guys can come to an agreement, good luck!

    7. Get new friends (or stop going out to eat with them) and dump the guy. He should support you in your efforts, not mock you or derail you.

       1. This is an extreme reaction and completely unnecessary at this point. OP should have a genuine conversation with those close to her about the way their comments/pressure are making her feel. We aren’t all mind readers or expertly kind but that doesn’t mean we don’t try or want to be kind, just that we mess up or have other subconscious things going on. If people are still be disrespectful or rude, then it may be time to evaluate the relationship on the whole.

          1. Disagree here. Partner getting annoyed because she won’t go for a second glass of wine is a yellow flag. If I’m having a nice dinner with you, why do you care whether I drink alcohol?

             1. I am anon at 12:29. I definitely this this it is worth discussing but is not immediately worth dumping partner over. While I agree he should support you, we don’t all do what we should without occasionally being called out.

             2. Yeah, definitely raise the point with partner. They might not notice how often they question OP’s choices.

    8. Yes, the probably feel like you are judging you, even if you aren’t. They probably feel badly about their own choices and seeing you make good ones highlights their bad ones. It isn’t your problem (unless you are saying judgy things which it doesn’t sound like from your post.) Keep doing what you are doing.

    9. I have similar problems, but I know they are unintentional. I am someone who can be super tired after work and its so easy for us to order a pizza or hoagies. Plus I am a sucker for comfort food. You just have to stick with it and order healthier options. And it might mean he will have to make his own food, which could be a deal breaker for him. He definitely should not be pressuring you into more wine on a night out. Thats a little bit of a red flag for me.

       I went on a yoga journey this year that has since derailed. I made a point to my BF that I was doing yoga at the same time every day for a half hour, and prioritized it as much as I could. It worked out in the end and I need to get back on the bandwagon after having a cold/flu for a couple weeks.

    10. I’ve had various food restrictions/allergies/etc for nearly 20 yeasr, and have dealt with this a lot. It’s not about me and my choices, it’s about other people and their ability to deal with my restrictions.
        I do a bunch of rinse & repeat statements. “No, thanks, am allergic/cutting calories/that makes my insides burn for 3 days, so I’m gonna pass. Looks good though – glad you are enjoying it!” “Not for me tonight, thanks” “Am full” “Not feeling great tonight, sticking with my soda” “I’m just enjoying your company.”

        If they keep pressing, they’re making it weird. If they mock you, they’re making it weird. “Huh, not sure why you would say that to me.” “that seems unnecessarily mean. What’s going on?” “Umm, I’m not feeling dessert. I’m not making a statement about world hunger. Can we move on?” “Yeah, already said I’m doing my thing.” “Did I stutter? I’m not eating dessert/having another glass/eating that block of cheese.” “Ha – more for you” “I’m sorry, but how are my choices impacting your well being? Let’s change the subject. How ’bout the weather we’ve been having” “Wow, I hope I never speak to you like that about something important to you.” “Sure, bring me an extra spoon. I’ll smack you across the face with it.” “No means no, friendo” “Looks like you’ll have leftovers for lunch tomorrow. That’s convenient!” “Can we not? I’m done with this conversation.”And of course, the .

        Personally, I use “more for you!” and a bright smile + change of topic A LOT. It’s annoying, but I also don’t take it personally. People can be highly self-focused, and it’s powerful to set up boundaries while not taking things personally until they blatantly become personal. Use silence and frank replies as your friend.

25. My new supervisor has systematically been lowering my reviews in the two years that I’ve worked for him. I have always been a hard worker with a lot of responsibility, mentees, and solidly high performance ratings in the past.

    Now he’s put me in a developmental opportunity (2/5) because I pushed back hard on a procedure he and his boss rewrote that will not pass regulatory muster by an external auditor. I was already given a ridiculous verbal warning for it. What do I do now?

    1. You find a new job.

    2. You should be looking for a new job.

       1. +1 Whether he’s right or not about your reviews, this is a sign they will be looking to let you go soon.

    3. He is trying to get rid of you. Slowly lowering your reviews makes it look like your fault, not his.

       You get copies of every document you have about the process that won’t pass an external audit.

       Then you look for a new job. When asked why you are leaving, cite “new opportunities” or, if really pressed, say that the company had once been great but is now engaging in problematic and unethical actions like (explain).

    4. This is why some bosses are a$$hole’s. Make sure you tell people at your interviews exactly what you said here– that is: I decided to look for other opportunities after “I pushed back hard on a procedure he and his boss rewrote that will not pass regulatory muster by an external auditor. ” This way they know that YOU are the one with ETHICS, and that your bosses were the dooshes who are looking for YOU to take the fall b/c they are a$$holes! If I had a dollar for every man who was an a$$hole, I could be lounging on a beach in Bali, much like Kathleen Turner did in Body Heat! She was so beautiful back then manipulating the doofus in that move that had $ex with her! That was a small price to pay for getting to drink pina coladas on the beach!!!! YAY for women like her everywhere!

    5. Look for a new job yesterday. Regardless of who is at fault (sounds like your boss), this is no longer a good place for you to work.

    6. I’m in a similar role from what you describe and I would 100% look for a new job and move when it is convenient to you. In an environment like this, what ends up happening is that people push things under the rug and the regulators do eventually deal with it…. and I wouldn’t want to end up getting caught up in that without a supportive boss. Plus, it’s clear that you aren’t going to get ahead here. Move on to something better when you find something better.

       1. Similar job as well – ditto to all of the above. And print out / file the emails where you warned them about their procedure not passing and any link that the rating was lowered for that reason.

26. Question for the travelers – I’m going to Paris for close to a week late April. I will be alone. I’m generally fine with this and have traveled alone before. But I’m thinking that I might want a little company for some of it. Would you recommend I join some sort of tour group for something (I don’t know, the trip to Versailles, maybe?) Or do you have any other suggestions for human interaction for me?

    1. I’ve always found joining one of the free walking tours a great way to meet travelers when traveling alone. There are usually a lot of other lone travelers who are open to talking. Also grabbing dinner at a local pub at the bar instead of in the hotel helps.

       1. +1 to free walking tours! I had good experiences with Discover Walks Paris and their themed walking tours (I was in Paris solo for 10 days and I did about 5 of them — great way to see the city on foot without getting lost, too) when they were just starting out several years ago; I expect there are many more such companies now. I usually asked the guides (who were locals) for recommendations for cafes/brasseries in the area; sometimes I would hit it off with other solo travelers and head off for a meal/drink afterward the tour.

    2. Do a food tour! You’ll meet other travelers and at least one local, which is your tour guide. Food and wine get people talking ;) I don’t know if I would do the Versailles as a tour. It’s fairly easy to go by train on your own so I’m not sure which demographics would use the tour buses.

    3. I would do a food tour – there are lots, including several managed by American food bloggers in Paris which I have heard are good. You could also try Greeeters – I think they have a Paris branch and you can find someone with similar interests to show you around.

    4. Second the food tour suggestion. And on a related note, we did a wonderful cheese-tasting class at Paris By Mouth (they also do tours) — it was a bunch of English-speaking tourists sitting around a table eating bread and cheese and drinking wine and talking and it was a blast.

27. Can anyone recommend a contractor in Philly for a kitchen remodel? And any recommendations for where to buy cabinetry/countertops/floor tile? TIA!

28. I wanted to share with the group some advice I heard from a panel of judges recently. The judges unsurprisingly were disappointed by the negative, aggressive, or abusive tone that they sometimes see in emails between counsel that are attached to, say, a motion to compel. One judge chimed in that he saw an email that stuck with him years later – the attorney complimented opposing counsel on a job well done in a deposition. The judge had a much more positive view of the litigants because of this small courtesy. He took the discovery motion more seriously because it was clear that there must be a real dispute if counsel couldn’t figure it out even though they had a positive working relationship.

    It reminded me of some discussions we’ve had here about criticisms we (women) receive for being “too nice” in emails. For example, I’ll often open or close an email with, hope everyone had/will have a nice weekend. I’ve gotten negative feedback on even that. But there’s a good chance that a judge will read at least some of my emails. So I’m definitely going to keep being kind, even in the face of rudeness, and if I get negative feedback for it then I will tell my superiors exactly what the judge told the audience on that panel.

    1. This is good to keep in mind but I think women (especially young, inexperienced women) have a propensity towards being too passive (as distinguishable from using the passive voice grammatically). Be kind but write directly and succinctly.

    2. There’s a big difference between being a polite, kind person and the feedback women get about being too passive or not passive enough (seriously, can we ever win?) in writing. You can be direct and firm and still be nice; they’re absolutely not mutually exclusive.

       1. Right, you can be direct and courteous at the same time…and include an ounce of friendly too…,that’s proper business communication. You will never regret being kind and courteous in your communication

    3. Always email as though the email is going to be attached to a motion and read by the judge.

29. Can we talk about thank you notes at work? I’ve gotten dinged by colleagues for sending thank you notes when they did not. On one hand, I feel like it’s not my job to write a thank you note for the group – that’s taking on thankless and unnecessary administrative tasks; I was the one who thought of it and actually wrote the note so why should others benefit? OTOH, I don’t want to seem like I’m not a team player.

    Example 1: I was working as a salesperson at the time. A big client brought each person on the sales team a small gifts, think a box of chocolates (per person, not a shared box for the whole office). I wrote a thank you note. Apparently no one else did. Team got mad at me for not asking everyone else to sign the notes I wrote.

    Example 2: I’m grappling with this now. A colleague (not coworker) and I collaborated on a presentation. Colleague super dropped the ball and I ended up doing 99% of the work. I want to thank the hosts of the presentation and our participants. Do I have to include colleague’s name on the notes or no?

    1. I would only think about this in terms of who you want to curry favor with. Example 1, I think you were in the right. It was an individual gift and you sent a note, no biggie.

       Example 2, depends on your relationship with the colleague and where you want that relationship to go. I also think Example 2 depends on your relationship with the hosts and how your note would be viewed by them. In some situations I could see it coming off as very selfish and petty to frame a thank you note in the singular “I appreciate” versus “we appreciate.” However, you may WANT to convey that message (which is fine, but be aware that you may be doing so), or it may not be taken that way at all based on the situation as a whole.

    2. I….do not do thank you notes at work. People are there to do their jobs. If someone did a good job, I’ll send a thank you email, and maybe copy their manager to highlight the work they did.

       In example 1, a thank you email from the group would have seemed the most appropriate. In example 2 – if there was a meeting invite – respond all and say “thanks for coming, here’s my info if you have a follow up questions.”

       I think you are making unnecessary work for yourself with the TY notes.

    3. In Example 1, since it was individual gifts, an individual thank you note was appropriate.

       In Example 2, if your colleague was present or had his/her name on the presentation, then you should include the colleague in your thank you note. It would look weird to drop your colleague from the joint presentation since presumably the hosts and participants don’t know what sent on behind the scenes.

30. I just moved into a new apartment and am working on figuring out better storage. I have a bunch of purses, and a bunch of shoes.

    In my last apartment, the shoes were all tossed in two of those cube storage bins and the bins went into a Target cube shelf. Heels and boots sat on the top. It wasn’t ideal, because I keep forgetting which shoes I own unless they’re out (ie making a mess). Does anyone have any recommendations for a shoe rack/holder that can handle both boots/booties and flats?

    Second, I have a TON of purses, in varying sizes. The storage has been a mishmash of hanging up backpacks by their top hooks in the closet, a back-of-door purse holder (which didn’t work very well), and storing wallets etc inside other less-used bags. Again, I would only use a couple of purses regularly because I forgot the others existed. I have a bunch of doors I could store stuff on, plus closet space. Anyone have anything they love?

    I could (and may) cull some of both, but not right now.

31. Interesting

Comments are closed.