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Thursday’s TPS Report: Faded Squares Wink Skirt

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This skirt rings all of my bells — a comfy black knit, with an abstract, almost organic black and white pattern, and it's on sale. It was $128, but is now marked to $89 — take an extra 20% off with promo code PRES. NIC + ZOE Faded Squares Wink Skirt

Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
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Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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178 Comments

  1. I’m kind of torn on the pattern on this skirt. I think I’d like it better if it was just the top pattern or just the bottom pattern all over.

    Gail the Goldfish, I hope your flight was able to make it out this morning!

    1. Agreed. This reminds me of a Halloween costume. Would not be at all appropriate in my office.

      1. I do not understand how this could be inappropriate for an office. I get it if you don’t like it, but how could it be inappropriate? It’s a black and white abstract pattern. It isn’t skull and cross bones or anything.

        2. Amen. Unless you’re only allowed to wear full suits in neutral colors, I can’t see how this would ever be considered inappropriate.

      2. I agree that I would like the skirt to be in either the top pattern or bottom, not both. I wouldn’t call it inappropriate per se but I can’t tell if the knit fabric would be too casual. Unless I’m missing something.

      3. I think the pattern looks like shredding at the bottom. I wouldn’t feel pulled-together.

        1. Shaggy is the word I was looking for. The rest of my outfit would have to be perfectly crisp.

    2. I think it looks like icicles, but I may have winter weather on my mind. Quite a lot of snow here in DC! Cue the questions about office-appropriate attire for navigating piles of slush!

    3. Nope, it got cancelled yesterday. I’m rebooked for Sunday, which was the earliest they could get :-/ But if I can scrounge up enough warm clothing (having stupidly sent my warmest jacket and snow boots with the movers, thinking I’d be out of NYC by today), I’m going to trek to the movie theater. So it’s fine.

  2. TJ for advice.

    Last year, I was promoted and moved to a small division of a company whose head quarters is in another state. I was brought on to a team where there would only be two of us in our department. Since then, my supervisor has moved on, and they will not be replacing him. Now I have both of our workload. It’s mostly manageable, and I have good support from the other local departments and from my direct team in the other state .

    Here’s where I need advice. All of my friends and family have asked if I will be getting a raise, now that I have twice the work load and more responsibility. I am always anxious about asking for more money. My promotion last year brought me to just above midpoint for my current position. We have not received our merit raise percent from last year, yet. Should I ask for a raise in salary, or should I ask for a higher merit raise? Or should I just plug through this year and ask for a raise with next year’s performance reviews?

    I sincerely appreciate the advice this family provides to each other. You all inspire me to be a better professional.

    1. I would definitely ask for a substantial raise in salary. You are now doing the work the company used to pay two people to do!

      1. Agreed, you are effectively doing a different (and more senior) job and hence a higher salary should apply. It’s basically like a different job.

    2. Oh my God, ask for a raise. And another promotion. 100%. Your job has changed substantially, in large part because of decisions your management intentionally made. Go for it! They won’t fault you for asking if you do it in the right way–acknowledge big changes, express excitement for them, and an eagerness to discuss your new role and the accompanying title/salary discussion that should accompany it.

    3. Cosign the advice above. Also, typical wisdom is to ask for higher base because that’s higher forever. Bonuses can come and go, but your base is highly unlikely to be lowered.

      1. Similarly, take a promotion over a base pay raise if they will only give you one. (While I think you’re entitled to two, they may not be replacing former manager due to financial constraints). It’s generally better to be at the low end of the range for your position rather than the high end.

        1. That’s my main area of concern. I just got promoted to my current position last year. I don’t think they will promote me again, less than 12 months later. I am already at above mid-point for my current salary position. Will I price myself out, if I ask for a raise? I did just pass an important certification, so maybe that will help do the convincing?

          1. Is this a common problem in your company, to ‘price yourself out’??
            If you are not at the top of the range for your current position, you aren’t priced out yet, right?

            The reason peopel are told to just ask is because most places won’t fire you for asking. They will just say no, oh well, no change. What do you think is the worst case scenario you are nervous about?

    4. Amen. And aim HIGH. They are saving one whole salary. You need a promotion and a HUGE raise. Like, at a minimum up to the max for your current position.

      Me personally, I’d ask to have the old guy’s salary added to mine. They’d still be saving what they were paying for his benefits.

  3. Great pick, Kat! I need to show this dress to Rosa! She can look great for Ed in this.

    I came in on the SUBWAY today b/c it was to snowey to walk, but the 6 was SO crowded and some guy squeezed my tuchus. He said his hand was squuished and he could not move it, but I do not beleive that b/c he was stareing at me before he squeezed my tuchus!

    I wished I had room to take a picture of him for the MTA, but my Iphone was in my lit bag. FOOEY, b/c he reminds me of the frat guy’s from college that loved to get women drunk then take their panties off.

    Benjamin is here and is suposed to take the Amtrack back to DC this afternoon. Good luck, b/c there is alot of snow in NYC. My mom says I should have Benjamin call me and meet him when he come’s back to NYC and LI. Dad is onley mad that my fitbit total’s are down. Doesnt he realise that it is snowey and slippery in NYC? I do NOT like to fall on my tuchus, or worse, my hand’s when it is icey. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    Willem called yesterday and wondered why we havent got together lateley. I said I was busy, but he convinced me I should never be to busy to go to a game, so we are goeing to a college game of basketball this weekend and eateing dinner afterward’s b/c the game is in the afternoon. I will try and squeeze some busness out of him b/c the manageing partner was compleaning that my hours with these guy’s should result in more hour’s billed. I told him I can onley bill so much and if they do not throw me new case’s, there is nothing else I can bill for! FOOEY!

    Mason and Lynn just came in together. I can tell they are haveing sex and staying together, or else they would not come in together 2 day’s in a row. Beside’s I know that Lynn look’s different. A littel tired, but she has the same kind of sparkel I did when I was with Alan, but he turned out to be a looser. TRIPEL FOOEY! Mason better not do that to her, but I kind of think this will not go to far. At least she is not sleepeing with the building janitor, which is a good thing!

      1. Doh! I got my templates mixed up when I scheduled the posts earlier this week — put Wednesday on Thursday and so forth. Will fix…

  6. Amy one else watching the live figure skating during the snow day? Loving Johnny Weir’s outfit and impressed with his and Tara Lipinski’s commentary.

    1. I’m secretly listening to it all at work, I’d rather be home binge-watching all of it, though have managed to get in ice hockey, cross country and biathlon already today.

    2. I watched yesterday when I was working @home – they are so awesome! Johnny Weir annoyed me when he was skating because he was never consistent but he is so fabulous as a commentator!

    3. I’ve been trying to be diligent at the office and not stream the Olympics but I think I may break that ban for the Team Canada hockey game in about an hour…

      I also love figure skating and wish I could be watching now!

      1. I was actually going to take the day off tomorrow to watch Finland-Norway, but now I have a meeting. Bring on Finland Canada on Sunday though (I think you guys will win, though…)

    4. My flat has no TV and Belgian networks don’t seem to be streaming it. Considering asking the pub across the way if they’d change the channel :)

    5. Yep! I have it on down in the corner of my screen while I”m doing this contracts.

      1. Awww, I wish i could do this!! But our internet here is so shoddy, if I started streaming video, it would probably start a riot. ;o(

    6. OMG. Are you watching this guy in the plaid shirt skating to the Deliverance soundtrack? That sounds like it ought to be a routine from Blades of Glory…

      1. It was my favorite so far, but I don’t want to say more and spoil it for the prime time watchers!

      1. I love Jason Brown! He totally deserved to win US Nationals over the horribly inconsistent Jeremy Abbott. The US judges favor Abbott way too much. It’s clear now that they are skating against each other internationally who is better.

    8. I watched all of the pairs free skate yesterday!! I hope no one needs me to do anything requiring lots of attention while the women’s free skate is on, though, because I will DEFINITELY be trying to watch that in my office :-) At the very least I will be watching the showdown between 15 year old Yulia and the South Korean champion! Women’s figure skating and the summer olympic team gymnastic finals are the two sporting events where you cannot tear me away from the screen!!

      http://www.polishedpinstripes.com

    9. Funny, I actually hate their commentating. I feel like they say things that are totally off-topic and they sound really juvenile. I think Sandra Bezic/Scott Hamilton provide much more useful, explanatory comments like “that jump was under rotated.” I used to skate competively so I don’t need the explanatory comments but I find Tara and Johnny’s comments really distracting. But then, I think both of them are SUPER annoying people and I didnt like them as skaters, so I guess I’m biased.

      1. Funny, I really prefer Tara and Johnny to Scott/Sandra. I find both of them to be really knowledgeable. Johnny is also great at constructive criticism as well as super knowledgeable about the rules (explained in layman’s terms), music, history of the sport, etc. I could do without Terry Gannon’s useless comments.

  7. In case you were wondering, getting snowed in at the hospital is not such a bad thing. They have back up generators for their back up generators, and you can bet on three square meals plus snacks without having to fight the hordes at Safeway the night before.

    1. Heh. Glad you can see the bright side!

      Did I miss an update on whether you would be discharged at some point?

    2. That’s one of the benefits of working in healthcare as well. And you can generally find an empty bed, shower and get caught up on work without feeling guilty.

    3. Aww! I guess I’ll keep that in mind and try to get put on bed rest before a big snow storm?? ;o)

  8. Paging Seattle-area ‘rettes: My sister is getting married in Seattle in July (same-sex marriage, so they’re doing a little bit of forum shopping and aren’t very familiar with the area). It will be small–only about 15 people and an ordained friend will perform a short ceremony. Any recommendations for a restaurant with good food and a private room to hold the ceremony/reception? She’s not really looking for an event space or anything super-fancy (i.e. a higher end brew pub would work). Main needs are a restaurant that has a private space for 15-20 people on a Friday afternoon. Thanks in advance!

    2. Bastille has a “back room” that they may rent out for events. I believe they may also have a small outdoor space? Lovely place and the food is great.

    3. You might check with the Anthony’s restaurants – Anthony’s Homeport, Chinooks, etc. (there’s a website). It’s seafood, and while you can get better food elsewhere in Seattle (it’s good, it’s just not outstanding), they have awesome locations on the water with lots of windows, and would be more likely than smaller restaurants to have private rooms available. A lot of Seattle’s great restaurants are going to be too small (no private room), unfortunately.

    4. Anthony’s is a good idea. Similarly, McCormicks on Lake Union has a beautiful view and a separate room next to the bar. It has a view of seaplanes coming and going and the kayaks and sailboats on the lake.

      Chandler’s Crabhouse – also on Lake Union – has a private dining room that goes out onto a private deck.

      Aqua by El Gaucho is on the Puget Sound waterfront and has a private room on the water side. Gorgeous and great food. Elliot’s Oyster House is right next to that and also has a private dining room. Elliot’s is old Seattle, while Aqua is younger and hipper, glass and chrome.

      And finally, the Edgewater Inn is where the Beatles stayed and fished out their hotel window. They have private event rooms and the couple could stay there for the first part of the honeymoon.

      Congrats!

    5. If your sister and her fiance are going to Washington to get married and live in a non-recognition state, please please please have them consider going to a state that will retain jurisdiction if they ever need a divorce! If they already have planned it, it may be too late to change their mind, but I highly encourage same sex clients to consider D.C., California, Delaware, or Minnesota. Unpleasant to think about in wedding planning, and hopefully not ever an issue for them, but something to consider.

      1. just Karen, thanks for the advice. I’ll definitely pass it on–I suspect they have not thought of that.

        Everyone else, thanks very much! I’ve passed along all of your suggestions and they’re appreciated.

  9. Just want to be grouchy and rant. Just picked up a $1000 pair of glasses late last night (granted I didn’t pay that much with insurance, but that was the shelf price) and put them on for the first time this morning. They have a HUGE scratch on one of the lenses that is clearly a manufacturing defect, given how its shaped and positioned. UGH. I now have to take extra time to go home for other glasses, go back to the optometrist, hopefully not argue with them too much and wait another 1.5 weeks to get a new lense. I guess you hope when you pay for something better quality from a boutique/”high service” store, these things would not happen. Sigh. A fooey moment for sure.

    1. Awww that sucks. When I got my current glasses, I was so frustrated. I went to a really reputable place and paid $950 ($650 just for the lenses) and I could not see at middle distance. They remade the lenses and they still didn’t work, but at that point, they wouldn’t even call me back. I got my optometrist to write me a prescription for computer glasses and I ordered them from Zenni. Not being able to see my computer was obviously a serious detriment to getting work done.

    2. That’s seriously ridiculous. You should demand that they do it “rush.” The place I used last (which was actually at a student center so wasn’t even a high-end boutique) literally did the lenses in 1 day, so it’s totally possible.

    3. Truly not judging you for the price, but I’m on a budget so my new prescription in December was from Costco – $59 frames. (Total was $264 but insurance only covers $200. You must have better insurance.) My OD screwed up and the prescription was wrong and Costco just made new lenses for me for free.

      1. Luckily the optometrist will replace the lense, but they can’t rush because it’s some sort of weird specialist cut/high end lense/scam? who knows.

        Our insurance is pretty good, hence why I use the chance to get nicer glasses pairs. :-) I mean, we pay for the benefit and there are no restrictions on frame brands, so I sort of go to town. Mine ended up as about $350 out of pocket cost for a nice pair of designer frames and allegedly high end lenses. Although, I was browsing Costco recently and they had some nice frames too! Just nothing that looked nice on me.

      2. My insurance pays up to $100 for frames. I’m not clear on what the lens coverage is, it’ supposed to cover certain types of lenses 100% but I always end up paying quite a bit extra.

      3. FWIW, going someplace where the frames are less expensive doesn’t help me. My lenses are just insanely expensive because my prescription is so strong.

        1. Yep, that is where they get you! Also, the ‘add ons’ to the lenses always make things more expensive, or the materials, the way they cut them, etc. I’ve gotten cheap lenses in the past and the difference between those and the expensive better quality ones is just 100% night and day for me. Since I wear glasses every day, I just prefer to have something a little better quality and pay for the add ons- hence I am thankful for insurance making the add ons/high quality/whatever a bit more doable.

          1. I have a really high prescription and used to go to high-end stores — until something similar happened to me — not the scratch, but the promise of “oh, we’ll have them for you in a week; no, make that two weeks; no, make that three weeks.” The problem was I was set to go on vacation and really wanted to wear this new pair since my other ones were really broken (I think one of the arms had fallen off? It was bad.)

            After that experience, I’ve either used Costco or BJ’s. No, the frames aren’t quite the same as the Calvins, Coach or other ones I used to wear, but I don’t mind only paying less than $100 for the frames and less than $200 for lenses that usually ran me $600-$800 at a time. It’s saved me so much that I’m going to get sunglasses the next time.

            Has anyone with a complicated Rx ever tried Warby Parker? I’m interested, and could get to the store in NYC, but I’m worried since I have a high Rx, astigmatism, etc.

  10. Hey Everyone, I need some advice, support, I’m not even sure. And I apologize for the length. Here goes….

    I turned 35 a couple of months ago. I have never been married, and have no children. I have a successful job that I spent the majority of my twenties and early 30’s working towards. In fact, I was so career driven in my 20’s that I just didn’t even focus on dating. I always wanted to get married and have a family, I just assumed that would happen on its own and just fall into place. I figured I was in control of my career, so I would focus on that. Well, I got the career…and then I woke up at about age 32 and realized I wanted more. Fast forward to 34 and 35, and now it’s almost all I can think about. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and don’t want to stop working, but I am just not completely satisfied. I feel like I’m missing out on this big part of life, and I just can’t imagine this being it for the rest of my life. I have a great family and great friends, but I just want that special someone and kids of my own.

    I have dated a lot the last couple of years, mainly through meeting guys online. There have been nice guys, but no one that past several dates I have really just fallen for or thought, “wow, I really like this guy and can see myself spending a lot of time with him.” Until October of last year. I met a guy online, and he was actually a lot different than the type of guy I imagined myself with. For one, I was instantly attracted to him. When I met him, he was like the first guy ever who I instantly thought, “I want to make out with him!” We hit it off. Had great dates, great conversation, lots of laughs…but we never kissed. Came close, and then he would pull away. And then a weird pattern started developing. We would go out, have a great date, and then I wouldn’t hear from him for several days. And, of course, I would get my feelings hurt and wonder why I wouldn’t hear from him. As soon as I was sure I wouldn’t hear from him again and he wasn’t that interested, he would text me or call, acting like everything had been normal.

    Fast forward to December and we were still talking/texting (he prefers to text and it’s actually easier with my job since I’m in court a lot), but I told him I was looking for a real relationship, and I asked him if he was just not that into me, since we hadn’t even kissed. He has assured me that he is, that he just wants to take things slow since he has been married and engaged before (no kids). I understand taking it slow (I’m a slow mover myself), but I feel like I’ve reached the point where we can’t really progress without taking it to the next level.

    In January, I told him that I just didn’t think it would work out between us, and he said he understood. But then a couple of weeks later, we started talking again, and have been out several times since. I decided to give it until Valentine’s Day to see what would happen. Well, last week we went out two nights in a row, and it was great. Then, I heard barely anything from him this past weekend or this week. He hasn’t asked me out for Valentine’s Day, nothing.

    I honestly can’t figure him out. He says he likes me, is interested in building this, but he puts in almost absolutely zero effort. Most of the communication I initiate, but then when I stop and am about to give up, he’ll finally say something and act like I’m crazy for thinking there has been a problem.

    I don’t think I’ll get anything more from him tomorrow than a text that says “Happy Valentine’s Day” (that’s what I received for my birthday) and that hurts. I know we haven’t dated forever, but we have been going out and talking since October. I feel like there is something wrong with me, and that is why he’s not that into me. And, I feel sad. I’m 35, and I just feel like time has run out for me to find someone and build a family.

    Does anyone have any advice/comments/suggestions for me? When do I just give up on him? How do I move on? How do I get over this overwhelming sense of depression I’m starting to feel about never getting married or having the family I want?

    Thanks for listening and just letting me talk…I know this was really long.

    1. I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time.

      This may sound cynical, but I would give up and, frankly, probably would have a long time ago. He is not giving you what you need and you can’t make him, and if you are not dating other people because of him, you could be missing out on someone great.

      Ultimately, some people will settle because being married and having a family with someone who is ‘just ok’ is more important to them that finding someone who is almost perfect (almost, because nobody is perfect). This may be you, or it might not, but it doesn’t sound like it will be with this guy because he is not in the right place. So move on, methinks.

      I’d love to tell you “don’t worry, it will happen” – it might not – but time has not run out. I know I have read many people on this site have met someone in their late 30s and gone on to have great families. Sure, it’s hard, but you’re putting yourself out there and that’s half the battle!

    2. To me the two issues are totally connected: an all-in desire for partnership and a current relationship that’s dragging on even though it’s nowhere near what you want. You gave it until Valentine’s Day, and you’ve gotten your answer. Someone who makes you feel consistently rejected/neglected (or makes you feel like you’re “crazy”) looks good when you’re comparing him to indefinite loneliness. But he actually sounds like he’s really dragging you down, with no sign whatsoever that anything will change.

      It can be the hardest thing in the world, but I think the only way to clear your lenses about who/what is good for you in a relationship is to truly believe that you’re ok without one. Maybe not in an ideal place, but ok. Fulfilled, with a meaningful life, and at peace. I can’t tell you exactly how to achieve this, because it’s very personal, but for me it has helped to orient myself around the things I love to do, the people who are in my life unconditionally, who I am other than someone’s girlfriend/wife, and a higher sense of purpose (which is religious for some and not for others).

      There is also a lot of good reading on this, but my starting suggestion is “In The Meantime” by Iyanla Vanzant. There are cheesy parts for sure, but it changed my thinking permanently around age 26 and I’ve gone back to it several times since (now 32).

      1. I posted my story on the weekend thread, and it has many similar elements. (He broke it off via email, for the curious). Like you, I long for a partner and family. What has helped me in the last many years, picking up on Monday’s thread, is making peace by seeing that I can be useful, independent of feeling happy. For me this is along the lines of “G-d can use me to bless the world, and asks me to do my small part in healing the world, and I can do that even if I’m sad this morning. Now…who can I bless this morning?”. And somehow, that really helps.

        1. Elodie, this is a beautiful idea that works for both religious (any kind) or nonreligious people. (With or without reference to any particular higher power, one can almost always choose a useful, productive, supportive, and/or constructive activity.) I’m going to hold onto your thought for times when discouragement outweighs my optimism.

      2. Thank you for the book recommendation. I’m going to go to Amazon right now! I haven’t read any books on this subject, and I think that would be a good help. Also, thanks for the advice; it really helps!

        1. Agree with everyone else — give up on him. I dated a guy like this and ultimately dropped him because at the time I just felt like he wasn’t treating me how I wanted to be treated. I found out later he’d been engaged the whole time, so I guess my instincts were right.

          1. Kat–I _LOVE_ that you are commenting more of late. Of course I like your wisdom (and no, I am not sucking up because you posted my dream C-r e t t e editor job). :)

    3. I remember this from an E. Jean column, so take it with a grain of salt, but:

      1. Give up on this guy.
      2. Devote yourself to finding a partner. Treat it like a career goal – you have obviously been very successful in that and you know how to make goals and reach them! Put yourself in places where you will find people – not just online dating but other places, meetups, activities as well. Ask your friends to set you up. Etc.
      3. Early in the dating process (super early! like a month in! or 2 at the most!) you should know whether to fish or cut bait with someone. You should also have the conversation with them RIGHT AWAY about looking for something serious and wanting marriage and a family.

      Good luck!!!

      1. Diana Barry always gives good advice and I agree with her suggestions! Particularly #2. Treat it like a project or a career goal and go after it!
        There are many, many people who’ve found the person they want to spend the rest of their life with, in their late 30s, in their 40s, in their 50s… and hey, in their 80s!

        And I want to add – BIG hugs to you. I’m sorry you’re sad, and I’m mad at this guy on your behalf for not deserving you. Go out there and do your best for yourself like you do in court!

      2. I know the comment regarding “treating finding a partner as you would a career goal” is rooted in good intentions and probably an in artful way of saying you won’t meet someone if you aren’t doing the work of keeping yourself open to possibility.

        As someone who is very similar to the original poster this comments really grates on me for two reasons

        1) finding love is not a linear progression like careers (mostly are). Believe me, if there was a linear path to finding love like their is to achieving career success I would be a relationship over-achiever just like I am a career over-achiever. So much of love is all about chance which is what drives me crazy.

        2) this frames the idea of bring in a relationship as a goal I failed to achieve. Which, just no. My being single is not some sort of failure of character on my part. All that it means is that I haven’t met the tight person yet.

        Again, not intended as an attack on you Diana Barry – you seem lovely – this is just my least favorite piece of advice I hear from my friends. Most frequently given by those married to the most amazing man who just happened to grow up on their street. It just feels so vaguely accusatory like “your so good at accomplishing your other goals that your failure on this front must mean that you must not really be trying that hard. Therefore, it’s your fault.”

          2. This. This!!! THIS. This +1, x1000, etc. Thissity this this this. Cherry on top. Thisssss.

        2. I agree with this sentiment also. I hate hearing that finding a fulfilling relationship should be like work, or that as soon as I give up I will find a great guy. Guess what – I gave up a long time ago and still haven’t met anyone. Okay, that’s not totally true. I still have a teeny tiny sliver of hope. But honestly I think there’s just nobody out there for me within a 500-mile radius of where I live. Maybe there’s someone 3,000 miles away. But the chance of finding that person is so remote, and no amount of goal seeking is going to lead me to him (or vice-versa). My solution to this dilemma is to have children on my own. At least then I won’t be completely alone when I’m old.

          1. I definitely agree that finding a good relationship is not like building a career (though that too involves a lot of luck). I’m happily married, and I’ll be the first to tell you that it was mostly my good fortune. I definitely did my best and grew along the way, but so does everyone else. There is no “deserve.”

            As for Ditto’s comment, I do not pretend that after “giving up” the right person just appears in your life. I meant to say that there are no guarantees no matter what you do, and so whatever approach you take to dating should be based on what you want to do for yourself, not knowing what will come, rather than having some notion that A action leads to B result. A commenter above put this well.

    4. He won’t even kiss you. That seems like a minimum requirement in a boyfriend, to me.

      He doesn’t put in any effort until you are at your wit’s end, then puts in just enough to keep you hanging on. No matter what he SAYS to you, these are the things that he DOES.

      Drop him and go find a man who wants to kiss you every day.

      2. x1000

        Lots of other great sentiment and advice in the other replies as well. You aren’t getting what you want here, and at this point in your life with your goals for marriage and family, you really can’t waste time with someone who isn’t on the same page. At this point, screen potentials for same goals very early on – like second or third date – and move on if they don’t line up, no matter how great and wonderful they are. This guy isn’t even great and wonderful.

      3. Yes, this. You deserve better. I have a friend who just found the love of her life at age 43 (she has no kids and has never been married – and coincidentally, neither has he). It may or may not happen for you, but please don’t waste anymore energy on this guy. Good luck!

    5. I think one thing that can be helpful is to remember that this is something you have limited control over and that’s okay. (And for this reason, I disagree with Diana Barry about treating this like a career goal.) It seems like you’re really hard on yourself, but you don’t and can’t know how things would have worked out if you had devoted yourself to finding a partner in your 20s. Maybe you would have met the perfect guy and be blissfully happy now. Maybe you wouldn’t have and would be more disillusioned now. Maybe you would have met the perfect guy but be unhappy and dissatisfied in your career and regret that. Maybe he would have died; maybe the relationship would have soured; maybe you’d love him but be about as happy as you are now because other things in your life would have balanced that relationship out.

      Similarly, maybe you’ll meet someone going forward – you do have time! – and it’ll be great. Maybe you won’t and you’ll form a family another way; or maybe you’ll devote yourself to friends and hobbies and your career, and that will be satisfying too. The thing is, we can’t guarantee ourselves that our lives will turn out a particular way or that we’ll get a particular outcome or that a particular outcome will make us feel a particular way. All we can do is try to reach for certain outcomes and then be as happy as we can with what comes.

    6. I agree with other commentators that he’s a lost cause, but I’ll add to it that it’s him: he’s not looking (or not able to commit) to something serious. He’d be the same with anyone – his behavior is because of who he is, not because of who you are. Demographically, I’m similar to you. Almost 36 and have been trying to meet the man I’m going to marry for about three years. I noticed a pattern in myself that I was most interested in men who were not available. Do you think that might be the case here?

    7. Spending the time and emotion on this guy, in my opinion, just isn’t worth it. If you value consistent communication and he doesnt, it may not work.

      Also, do not guilt yourself about focusing on your career. Having a lesser career would not mean that you would be happily married with kids right now. It would just mean that you wouldn’t like your job.

      Set aside some time to think about what you really want in a relationship and in a man, and then only date men who fit that. Quality, not just amount of time dating. Really challenge your assumptions too (e.g. are you only dating men with the same educational level when you actually don’t care about that?)

    8. Hard Advice: it is not going to happen with this guy.

      Reframe/Optimism: I did exactly what you did throughout my 20s and 30s. Woke up mid-30s and started dating. It was difficult, as you describe, because not many men are a good match for someone like us. I tried to force it with one, as you are with this guy. Practically the same story – I was committed, he was not, we went to couples therapy to figure it out, he started sleeping with another woman while we were in therapy together, I toughed it out (because “I’m no quitter”), kept begging him to make up his mind, he would/could not, I finally called it and told him not to contact me. This was in my late 30s.

      Two weeks after I turned 40 (almost 8 years ago), I met my husband. We could tell right away that it was a fit. And it is. Yes, there are issues (he was married before and there is fall-out, but we deal with it expeditiously as a team). But we both really feel that it is “us against the world” and that we make each other’s life better. When I look back at all those years in BigLaw, I miss the courtroom wins and the client accolades, but I remember vividly getting home after a trial out of town and walking into a totally lifeless house (no people, no plants, no pets, no food in the fridge) — and now I can’t believe that I spent all those years without this kind of richness in my life. But, I also know that I never could have accomplished what I did professionally had I been this engaged with someone else. This is getting long-winded, but my point is that it is likely to happen to you, as well. And when it does, you will know because it won’t feel like it does with this guy at all.

      1. To Parfait’s point above: Mr. couldn’t commit never wanted to touch me. My husband “wants to kiss me everyday.” All part of the “you will know it when you find it” point.

    9. Oh sweetie, you’ll find someone but not if you waste time on guys like that who aren’t into you. As silly as it seems, the whole “he’s just not that into you” book/idea is right on. Fwiw, I’m a couple of years older than you, same story carer first/ relationships second, and I wasted too much time on guys like you describe. I recently got involved w someone where it’s easy – the whole thing, and obvious he’s into me. You’re on his C team. Dump this dude and move on. Don’t sell yourself so short.

    10. Drop him now. He’s not making you a priority, which you clearly want him to. It sounds to me like he isn’t actually interested, but does/says enough to keep you around in case he needs you. You don’t deserve this and are missing out on other opportunites because of this guy. I also find it concerning that you haven’t even kissed after four months. That’s not taking it slow, that’s just not moving forward.

      I agree with Diana Barry, really throw yourself into dating. The more guys you meet, the more likely it is that you’ll find someone you’re compatible with. At this stage, it’s also really important to let them know early on that you are looking for a long term, committed relationship. You don’t want to waste your time on someone with different goals. Good luck!!

    11. I want to give you a big hug! There is nothing wrong with you. Repeat: there is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with him, however. I can’t stand this type of guy (and I’ve seen a few of them). They don’t put in consistent effort, leave a woman hanging, and act surprised when the woman is upset. I would drop this guy, personally. Waste of your time.

    12. Just wanted to add that it really is him, not you. A reasonable guy who wasn’t that into you for whatever reason would go on a date or two and then end things. Only a manipulative or otherwise messed up guy would string you along for so long and then act like you’re crazy for wanting to know where things are going.

    13. +1 on all the other advice you’ve gotten. I’ll also add that I was in a similar place when I was about 29 (great career, zero romantic success, really really envying my friends with husbands and kids), and I went to a therapist to see what was up. I figured the worst that could happen is she’d say “you’re totally fine and well-adjusted” and then I’d be in the same place I already was. But the best that could happen is she’d point out some assumptions I had or ways I was doing things that were self-sabotaging. Guess what? It was the latter. And it got me to the place where I was ready when I met my husband. Not saying that’s the right choice for you, but it definitely helped me.

    14. You are wasting your time, 100%! No questions about it! You’re 35 and I’m assuming he is around the same age. If he wanted something serious, he would make a move. He hasn’t. You’re wasting your time so move on. If you want a relationship and a family, then you don’t have time to waste! If anything, talk to him and tell him how you feel and what you want. If he isn’t responsive in the way you want, spend the weekend online dating. I’m sure there are lots of men looking on Valentine’s Day weekend. You deserve better.

      Also, if he is acting disinterested now, think about how he will be in a few months. He also may have some underlying issues that you don’t want to deal with!

    15. Having dated in my 30s, I know it’s hard to meet anyone who I felt a connection with. It feels like there are literally no compatible men in the entire world (hyperbolic, yes but that’s how I felt) who were not insisting on a polygamous relationship (great for some but I’m strictly monogamous). It really stinks when the chemistry is there but there’s an insurmountable dealbreaker.

      I think you were absolutely right to give it time. I wouldn’t beat yourself up for “wasting time”. That’s bullsh*t. Wasting time isn’t a few months spent early in a bidding relationship, it’s staying in a long term relationship for a few extra years because it’s comfortable.

      My advice: sit him down one last time and seriously ask him what he means by “taking it slow” and if he’s even open to a long term relationship with you. If he hedges or tries to distract you, move on. If he asks for more time, give him 1 week. He might surprise you.

      I got really lucky, I was seeing a guy every weekend for about 2 months but … nothing. He never talked about a romantic relationship or tried to kiss me and I had to ask for hugs! I knew he was shy but I liked him so much and I was so sick of online dating that I stuck around despite people telling me to move on. One day just as I was ready to give up, he sent me an email that was so sweet and lovely saying everything I needed to hear. We just celebrated our 1-year anniversary. We are moving at a glacially slow pace but I am happy and secure for the first time in any relationship.

    16. Thanks to everyone so far who has responded with advice and suggestions for me. It really means so much. I have cried my eyes out the last two nights, and just to hear people understanding me on this and offering advice and comfort has helped me feel a little stronger. You guys are amazing.

      1. It is NOT YOU. And here are lots more hugs!
        I have a completely different story but the end (current situation) is exactly the same. This can happen for so many different reasons. You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes life is just effing unfair. :o( YOU are amazing. And the people who matter see it. ;o)

      2. Also, if you want a place to do more dating/being a single career woman venting, you are welcome to join the facebook group some of us are in! It’s a wide range of people who are fans of thissite, and we rant and vent and support each other and ask for advice, it’s really awesome, I love it. Like I said, I’m in a similar situation to you, and i’m happy to commiserate more if you want. email me at zoradances at the gmail if you want to join the fb group or just to talk.

    17. Please find a guy who’s as excited by you as you are about him (maybe even more!) I promise you that with time and effort, you will. This guy isn’t doing it for you, so why waste your time?

      True story: On the hunt for DH, I was sorta, kinda seeing this guy. I was into him. Thought he was into me. He would text me when he felt like it and I would eat it up. Then total radio silence. Then he’d text me again out of the blue. Take me on fabulous dates, but then I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks. I was in agony, but thought he was the best I could do and what I deserved.

      One of my friends (the lovingly pushy one) got tired of hearing about the trials and tribulations, gave me half a bottle of wine, then signed me up for online dating, since I was not the greatest at answering those questions myself (apparently, “walking to the subway” didn’t count as “enjoying the outdoors.”) Long story (too late) short, I met DH (who was someone I’d never have met otherwise, and totally not my type, or so I thought), he was completely into me pretty clearly after the 4th date, and we’ve been together ever since.

      TL;DR: you’re a successful career woman. Find someone who celebrates you for you and is as into you as you are into him. You deserve nothing less!

    18. It doesn’t sound like you two are on the same page. I agree that you should move on. At 35, you still have a lot of life ahead of you and you’re vp certainly not too old to have a family. Have you thought about freezing some eggs to decrease the pressure of the biological clock?

    19. Check out the Baggage Reclaim website. It has seriously the best advice for relationships (and boundaries) and if you commit to it, I think it would really help! It seems like this guy is totally unavailable and the fact that you are looking for him to change really indicates that you might have some work to do on yourself about identifying the kind of partners that will bring you the healthy relationship you might want as you begin a family! It will get better!

    20. May I also take this opportunity to plug the most awesome relationship (romantic, friends, family, etc.) advice column of all internet time – captainawkward.com. Literally tons of good, solid advice there.

    1. No idea about quality and fit, but that dress is gorgeous! I love the color and style. And such a great transitional piece for late winter into spring.

    2. I got this recently, and have worn it once so far. The quality seems excellent; well constructed and lovely soft fabric with a nice stretch. I’m between sizes and got this in my larger size. My only issue is the neckline does gape a bit especially when I sit (not so bad when standing) and I intend to add a snap to help keep it closed.

      1. Thanks Susie! I read the reviews and saw that others commented on the neckline – a snap is a great idea, I’ll probably do the same assuming the dress otherwise fits well.

    3. These days I am usually on the smaller side of an 8. I ordered this dress in an 8 and although the dress was gorgeous – color, fabric, lined, etc. – the 8 was really small – all over (top, shoulders, arms, hips, etc). Liked it so much I took a chance on a 12 because there were no 10s available. The 12 would have required too many alterations so I didn’t keep it. I hope you have better luck because it was a lovely dress and the price was great.

  12. Shopping TJ:

    I am going to a wedding this spring and it is black-tie optional. My fiance is in the wedding party and will be wearing a tux. I want something pretty to wear but I’m striking out! I’d like to avoid floor length because I’m petite and I don’t think many guests will go that route. And not black.

    Budget is $350 max. Any suggestions??

        1. Third! If you haven’t tried it yet, do it now. I rave about RTR so much that I should be getting a commission! (but I’m not, it’s seriously so convenient and has awesome customer service)

    2. Go to a store? If your only parameters are fancy, short, under $350 and colorful that describes pretty much the entire dress selections at most department stores. I’d wait another couple weeks until spring dresses are in and just spend a few hours trying stuff on. A dress can be pretty-as-can-be online and look terrible in person and vice versa.

        1. Love this! Not in my size right now but I’ll keep my eyes out. Champagne is an ok color to wear to a wedding, right? Not too close to white? The bridesmaids are in navy so I’m not worried about accidentally matching them.

          1. Oh, sorry, didn’t realize it was a lucky size find. You may want to give the online chat a try if you really like it. The past couple of times things have been out of stock online, they were able to find it in a store and shipped it to me for free.

            And, I think champagne is a perfect wedding color.

          2. I’ve tried that on before and it’s not as champagne as it looks in the photo-more of a silver, and maybe a little too close to white for a wedding. Definitely see it in person (I tried it on at Saks, so check there if you aren’t near a Nordstrom). But the same dress comes in a million colors if you look on Nordstrom’s website. Also, I thought I really wanted it in teal to wear to a wedding and then tried on this Tadashi Shoji and decided I loved it even more: http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/main/ProductDetail.jsp?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306422146&PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524446578540&R=883879376441&P_name=Tadashi+Shoji&N=4294919219+306422146&ASSORTMENT%3C%3East_id=1408474399545537&bmUID=kgFEd3K

  13. I suppose this is a theme today… I wish I could have advice for “sad and confused” but it turns out I need some support/comfort myself. I was supposed to go on a first date tonight with someone I met last weekend. A few minutes ago he canceled because he met someone else, wants to see where it goes, etc. He was very nice about it and I appreciate the honesty (although knowing before I put on an extra cute work outfit this morning might have been nice), and in the big scheme of things I’m not that bummed because there was a potential issue (large age difference; he’s younger), but I’m just so.tired. of all of the disappointment that comes with dating. The past few months have been rough. I’ve gone on a LOT of dates (meeting people online but also at parties/bars/through friends). The vast majority end up being disappointing; either I’m not that attracted to them in person (if we met online), or now that we’re having a longer conversation I realize they’re not that interesting/smart, or there’s just no chemistry/connection. There have been two guys who I have REALLY liked, but both ended things with me; one after 3 dates, one after 2 (the 3-date guy pulled a disappearing act, which sucked).

    I know all of the things that people say — you’ll know it when it happens, it will just feel right, etc. The worst part is I know exactly what that means. I was in a very serious relationship in my early-mid 20’s with someone I was good friends with for 4 years (all of college) before dating. We fell madly in love, talked about marriage/the rest of our lives as if it was a certainty, etc… until he moved away and we didn’t survive the distance. He felt out of love with me and got engaged to someone else less than a year later, which was awful in every possible way. It took a long time to get over it. But that experience means I *know* what it feels like when it’s there, and I haven’t found anything anywhere near that feeling since.

    I love my life, my friends, my family, my job/career, my apartment, etc. I am healthier and happier and more confident in myself than I have ever been. Every other aspect of my life is exactly the way I want it to be. All of that cheesy stuff about loving yourself first, etc., I’ve got that down (I tell my friends I’m in the best relationship I’ve ever been in, with me :)). But something is missing, in part because I know how awesome love can be, and in part because I really, really want a family (I’m 30 btw). I don’t really want to take a break from dating, because then it feels like I’ll be even further away from what I want than I am now. And it’s hard to turn down dates with guys I meet who seem cute/interesting/smart/etc. But maybe that’s the answer. I don’t know what I’m asking for, exactly. Some sort of way to deal with the constant disappointment? Reassurance that it’s worth it to keep trying, keep meeting people, keep putting myself out there? Or even something simpler, like how to make myself feel better about my canceled plans for tonight?

    1. I was in your position until last year. I spent years having a great relationship with myself: dating, focusing on my career, traveling solo, adopting a second cat, teaching myself to cook, and buying a house.

      I would go online dating, setting up 2-3 dates per week. I would go to meet-ups. I even had a Jewish matchmaker! It’s tough to be doing all that and still being disappointed. It’s especially hard if you only have coupled friends who tell you things will work out and to be patient.

      I think the most helpful thing to do is have single girlfriends your age who are also dating to talk to. Dating in your 30s is not like dating in your 20s. Also, take breaks from online dating to recharge. I would take 30-day and 3-month breaks. I would come back with fresh stories and a renewed sense of optimism. And, this may not be for you, but I would sometimes let myself get into short-term relationships with great guys who are not long-term material. I would learn alot, feel less desperate, and have more self-confidence. A few dates, maybe lasting 1 or 2 months. I also developed a “wallowing plan”–I posted it here earlier this week–to give me the chance to deal with my emotions when disappointments happened. Because, boy, do they happen!

      If you want a partner, all the heartbreak and hard work is worth it. Best of luck! And remember, finding a partner is all about luck.

    2. What if you did really cool things on your dates – like rock climbing or going to a play? That way even if the guy is a dud you did something worthwhile with your time.

    3. How about a middle ground with dating? I have found online dating to be completely exhausting because the more you do it, the more people email you/the more active you are, and it’s easy for it to become a series of constant mediocre/not exciting dates. Recently, I just stopped doing all that, left my profile up & waited to see if someone came along who was really interesting. It’s worked – I stopped feeling exhausted with it, got a better attitude about it & just met someone that way who’s very promising. I think if you want a family/partner, etc., you do have to stay in the game, but you don’t have to let it be all consuming.

    4. At least he canceled and didn’t just stand you up. He gets gentleman points for that. And at least you look cute today! Take comfort in that too.

      I’ve done a lot of online dating over the last 10 years. The man I am seeing now and have been for two years? He was a friend of a guy I met online and dated for a few months. He didn’t say one word while we were dating, but as soon as that relationship ended, he made his interest known. Keep dating, keep meeting people, keep meeting their friends. You never know.

  14. Okay, ladies: confession time. How many grown-a$$ women have been indulging in some faux-figure skating in socks on hardwood floors this week? Just me? Okay, then.

    1. Do NOT do it!!! I broke my wrist last year messing around on the hardwood in my socks. It’s not a very good story when you’re asked how you broke it.

      1. But I’m so close to perfecting my faux-ice-skating interpretation of Lorde’s “Royals”!

        1. I so wish I could like this comment. I definitely have a faux-figure-skating routine to Total Eclipse of the Heart.

      2. I learned my lesson when I was a kid and had to get stitches in my chin after faceplanting while running around in tights on a tile floor.

    2. umm…. haven’t been watching the olympics, but I spend a lot of time faux-ballet dancing around my house in my socks. Like, A. Lot. omigosh, we could do pairs!! ;o)

    3. I actually figure skated (roller) from ages 5 to about 12…watching figure skating makes me kick myself for 1) ending up in roller instead of ice skating (not really my fault, parents did that) and 2) giving it up. Ugh.

      So…not on hardwood, but on the rug :) We used to practice “on land” first when we were learning new tricks! Totally valid thing to do :)

      1. I go through this with the summer Olympics and gymnastics. So many sad feelings about giving it up! Followed by handstands and stretching in my living room.

        In other Olympics news, I cry every time I see the Keri Strug vaulting video and it enivitable ends up in a commercial during every Olympics cycle. I can’t keep crying at commercials!

        1. It is on during EVERY Olympics! That, and Bela carrying her to the podium just does me in.

  15. Am I being too harsh here:

    I work in a large corporate marketing-ish role and often have to screen resumes to interview potential hires to my team. For me, if I get a 1+ page resume (especially one that has bullets running to multiple lines), it’s an automatic fail for me. I feel like I am not asking for an academic CV here. 90% of my job involves communication skills and if you can’t craft a 1 page resume that allows me to get all the facts in under 1 minute, that’s a problem.

    I’m beginning to think I’m an outlier on this though.

    1. I agree with you. I feel like folks who have more than 1 page resumes must be super conceited. What do you think you did that earns you a second page? Especially for folks looking for entry level jobs.

      1. I’ve had eight different jobs that are relevant to my career. Even writing each one out with one bullet point, plus my education, skills, and certs, I’m over a page. I may as well write more than one bullet point so that I can actually explain what I did at each. I don’t really see any benefit to leaving things off. When I review resumes, I’d prefer getting more info, as long as it’s well formatted, to less.

        1. I’ve heard you can have one page for every 10 years of work – so with 8 jobs + education maybe that’s you. I don’t review resumes for jobs that require that much experience.

    2. yeah, the problem is most of the major job advice out there says that 2 pages is acceptable now. Not for entry level jobs, definitely, but for people who have been in their careers for several years. So, I think it’s a little harsh to disqualify them just based on that. They are hearing from basically every where that they are allowed to use two. But then again, I get your point about your particular role and, yeah, if you’re job is communication, that should be part of the skillset they are showing you.

    3. I think it’s really dependent on the position and the level of experience of the candidate. I’d expect someone with 10+ years in any field to potentially have a longer-than-a-page resume, especially if they’ve worked in multiple companies over the course of their career, and probably wouldn’t ding them for it if the resume was otherwise appropriately-crafted.

      Over a page for an entry-level person who spends a paragraph on their freshman-year internship? Not great (unless it was the most magical internship of a lifetime, It doesn’t require more than a line or two).

    4. I’m with you. I’m only okay with more than one page if you have a really, really good reason for it. Publications? Sure. Twelve bulletpoints about the unrelated job you had five years ago? No.

      1. And I think narrowing it down to one page is a good exercise in determining what experience you have is relevant for the job. I’m not even convinced everyone should list every publication, if it puts you over one page.

    5. I think you’re an outlier. The longer a career is, the more room you need. I appreciate more descriptive resumes so that I really get a better sense at that stage of what someone’s experience is. I’ll hold a poorly drafted cover letter against someone, but never a long resume.

    6. I guess it depends on what kind of job you’re hiring for, and in what way the resume is too long.

      I’ve seen some resumes float through here for very junior roles where the candidate is maybe 25, but every job gets half a page devoted to it and they have vast amounts of white space and it ends up at 4 pages. For that kind of thing, yes, I am with you. Learn to edit.

      My resume is 1.5 pages and it’s rather dense. I’ve got 20 years of career to cover. However, I actually was looking it over just the other day and I am about ready to let some of those earlier gigs drop off.

    7. I think you’re an outlier or perhaps you’re hiring for positions on the very junior end of a career trajectory. I work in talent management for professional services, have 12+ years of experience and have worked for five employers all relevant to my position today; I have deleted earlier work experience to make it shorter. My resume is 1.5 pages and it took quite a bit of editing to get there. The senior people I hire (director/partner/SVP level) all have resumes exceeding one page because they have years of relevant experience to convey. When I was focused on hiring for more junior people, a one page resume was typical but I did get candidates with more than one page on occasion (technical backgrounds, published, second careers where first career is relevant/impressive). I appreciate the resumes with more detail (provided it’s relevant) and it helps me make better decisions in the early rounds of interviewing/screening. It also helps to better frame my screening interviews and first round in-person interviews because there is a wealth of information to discuss.

      If the resume is long because of poor formatting or editing, then that is a problem.

    8. As others have said, it really depends on the position you are hiring for and whether the person applying has enough relevant experience to support more than one page. I was in recruiting for a little while, so I have some experience presenting candidates to firms and helping them prepare their resumes. For entry level positions, I think one page is appropriate. For a position that requires 7+ years, depending on the individual’s experience, I would be fine with two pages. Now, I don’t want to see two pages of stretched out meaningless things, but if it’s two pages where the candidate has been at several different companies and has quantifiable experience, all of which is relevant, I certainly won’t ding them for it.

    9. I’m with you, but there have been exceptions. If you’re hiring someone that has less than 10 years of post-graduate experience and they can’t keep it to a page, AND THEY WANT A MARKETING ROLE, resume goes into the trash pile.

      If you’ve been in the industry for 25 years, I won’t automatically throw it in the trash. However, if you’ve been in the industry for 25 years and can craft a 1-page resume, you definitely get bonus points/extra credit.

      1. FWIW I have just about 10 years of post-graduate experience (now director level) and I do an annual whittle of my resume to make sure only the most salient points are included. I’m still holding strong at one page, and that’s with several internal moves and 4 companies.

  16. Hello ladies,
    I want to seek the advice from the hive for my upcoming job search.

    I changed jobs 6 months back and I am very unhappy with it, mainly with people. This is dysfunctional team with no clear vision , horrible people and not the work that I was told I would be doing. So I gave it 6 months and I am officially job searching again.

    I was wondering what can I do to not end up in a bad team again? Last time, I had checked with many people and every one told me that the team was good and moving to the team was the right thing to do. But it turned out not to be so.

    I do have a couple things that I have learnt like asking very clearly about the scope of the work and my responsibilities, to some how to some background check about attrition in the team (if there is a high attrition, I don’t want to go to that team), ask for the road map and the projects they will be working on and the team’s responsibility for those projects.

    But is there anything else that I can do to see that I don’t end up in a bad team? I have changed jobs just once and don’t have much experience with it. I am a software engineer if that clarifies the picture.

    Thanks in advance

    1. Ask lots of questions during the interview process – ask them for their vision, how people work together on projects (will give you sense if the team is competitive or collaborative), how does accountability and decision making work, how are achievements recognized. Talk to people on the team and not just the interviewer – ask them what they would change out their current role/ work environment if they could, what they most like about their team etc. And pay attention to the questions they ask you – if they ask questions about your ability to be organized, that’s a clue to what they are like. If they ask how you deal with evolving goals, probe and see if if this work is ambiguous with no clear targets or if they stick to a clear path to targets. That should give you more information about whether their culture meshes with yours – saying a team is “good” is subjective and doesn’t convey much to you.

    2. Sometimes you’re just unlucky.

      The best indication is to ask for informal input, which you did. I’m wondering why they told you it was a good team. You may want to think about their motives to avoid getting misleading info in the future. Subtly ask the office gossip, if you can, rather than folks who may have an interest in getting you on the team. Of course, it also could simply be a case of deceiving appearances and everyone genuinely thought they had their act together.

      In addition to what you’ve done last time, I’d ask about work environment, management style, etc. Ask why the previous person left. Ask how the roles on the team interact. Read between the lines. Observe how the interviewers interact.

      I think the question about retention is good, but don’t eliminate a team just because there’s been high turn over. Sometimes odd things happen and happy people leave. Sometimes everyone turns over because there was a problem but now there’s not. Take it as one piece of the pie.

  17. I’m about to take the plunge on buying my first DVF wrap dress. If I’m a size 2 on bottom and size 0 on top in Ann Taylor/Jcrew/Banana, with a pear shape, should I get a size 4 in DVF?

    I’ve heard their wrap dresses look best if you size up, but I’m not sure how far up to go. I don’t want to size up TOO much and have it be too baggy or inappropriately revealing on top.

    Thanks in advance!

    2. I’m way late on this but hopefully will be helpful. I am a P2 on top and P4/P6 on the bottom and I wear 2s in DVF wraps. My experience is that as a pear shape the universal “size up” advice doesn’t work.

  18. There are a couple of sad dating-related posts today, so I thought I’d add my newly happy one.

    This time last year, I was dating (read: spending the night with) lots of men, going out on online dates a couple of times a week, and generally treating men like they were a whole separate career. I spent all of my time obsessing about men, why things never worked out, why no one would commit, etc.

    A few months ago, I posted a proposition here entitled Mancation. What would it be like to swear off dating, sleepovers, flirting for several months? I gave myself a deadline of New Year’s, and in that time I focused on myself. I exercised more, cooked more, spent more time with my friends. I deleted all of the men from my phone. I felt so free, energetic, and drama-free.

    Someone here responded to my question that, in the RomCom version of this story, I’d meet The One as soon as the Mancation was over. And what do you know – exactly three days before New Year’s Eve, I met someone who has just completely changed my life. There were no games, no drama, no wondering will he call. Of course, it’s only been a little while with this person, and who knows what the future may hold. But already, it’s the most serious, supportive, and generally thrilling relationship I have ever had. Maybe when we block out all the background noise, we can finally hear the song the world is singing to us?

    1. I’m so glad! Taking a break seems to work. I met my guy 5 months in to a 3-month dating hiatus. He a lovely, wonderful man and I am so happy and, honestly, relieved. I had taken many other dating hiatuses before and had no luck. There was no indication that this break would be any different. But it was a very happy surprise to have met a great guy.

  19. Any suggestions for not-hideous medical bracelets? I think it is time, but I can’t take the thought of those stainless steel squares that I remember from grade-school ID bracelets.

    TIA

    3. Thanks. Now I am considering the ones with a USB (so smart!), but I can’t decide between one with pre-loaded software that requires a password (duh – what if I’m out cold) or one to which you simply save your own documents (ick – ANYONE could get their hands on my information).

  20. Apropos of the conversation the other day about admiring celebrities and how we discuss it with our SOs… conversation between my SO and me this morning:

    Him: I see your man Jeter is retiring. Better get all of the gear you can before he’s gone. Don’t you need another cardboard cutout?
    Me: Yeah, sure. Your girl Mariah’s husband is playing in the NBA All-Star Celebrity game on Friday night so she might be in town. Don’t you want to want to be here?

    1. Lucky. Your story gives me hope.

      My Mr. Toews is not supportive of my love for my other husband, actual Jonathan Toews, as the Blackhawks and the Canucks are mortal enemies.

      :( :( :(

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