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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Notch-Collar Sweater Jacket

A woman with curly dark brown hair wearing a brown sweater blazer, brown-and-navy striped shirt, and blue jeans (most of legs cropped out)

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Sweater blazers have been the MVPs of my work-from-home wardrobe in the last few years. They’re cozy and comfortable, but the collar makes it a tad more professional-looking. I own two from Talbots, and they’re in heavy rotation in my work wardrobe these days, whether I’m at home or in the office.

This “sienna brown” sweater blazer would be a beautiful neutral if you’re trying to get out of a black/gray rut.

The sweater is $139 full price at Talbots and comes in regular sizes XS–XL; right now, you can get 25% off regular-price tops like this one.

J.Crew offers a sweater blazer in a wider size range of XXS–3X; it's on sale for $94.50 and is available in five colors, including navy, black, and khaki.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

342 Comments

    3. I love this now and also would have totally worn this to my business casual office in the early aughts with a j crew jackie cardigan and ballet flats. Gosh I miss 20-something cocktail hour office attire.

      1. Same! It’s too fancy for work and too formal for something joyful/fancy, but I like it for after work city drinks with people in sharp attire (vs joggers everywhere).

      2. Add in one of those statement bubble necklaces and you’d have hit early aughts business wear bingo ;)
        Sadly I’m now past the bridal shower/baby shower/new house stage of life but I could absolutely see wearing this to a fancy bridal shower/baby shower/housewarming brunch.

        1. Oh my gosh, of course, can’t believe I forgot a statement necklace! Could also swap the ballet flats for patent leather platform pumps.

    4. That looks fun. I have been trying to redo my holiday gear, but in the colors I love rather than the bright red and green. This would fill that gap, and go with all my current cream sweaters, so I say wait for Xmas.

    6. Not to enable or anything, but I have a similar skirt in vertical rainbow stripes, and an insta poster I follow recently featured it with a graphic tee and it looked amazing. You could totally do that to dress down this skirt.

  2. I am not naturally a scheduler, but live by the calendar so I don’t die by the calendar. So if I make a plan (take car into the shop), I do it when I inconvenience only myself (slow day at work with a lot of remote computer work on deck), make a plan if I need to involve someone else for a ride (e.g., surgery, where you can’t drive yourself home), or adjust my schedule. I don’t make a plan, on the day of the plan realize that it means I am dropping balls and/or inconveniencing others (who may not be able to make a same-day change),and then respond with a tirade against those not dropping everything to help me. I don’t feel bad about changing my, e.g., car inspection, and doubt that the car inspection people will hold it against me (and if there is a cancellation fee, would gladly pay it as a rightful penalty against not being a better planner; even a police ticket for an overdue inspection is better than yelling at people). Serenity now.

    1. I’m not sure what this word salad is but I was an admin at a car garage for a long time. It was considered rude to do a last minute appointment change because then you usually deprived a mechanic out of a few hours of pay (they get paid based on each project, if their bay is empty, no pay). No garages have cancellation fees because of it would alienate customers, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a cost, there is and the mechanic is eating it.

      1. I am guessing the word salad means that someone in her life made plans that involved her giving them a ride, and didn’t ask her about it until the last minute.

    4. If this is an example of how you communicate with people, I see the problem. Be plainspoken and concise, instead of making people tune out your paragraphs of flowery nonsense.

    5. Not, I think, what your post is mainly about, but I just wanna say, if your car needs to go to the shop, you do not have to wait to do it on a slow day at work. You can say to anybody who asks, “I need to take my car to the shop” and that is fine.

    6. I’m sorry someone inconvenienced you due to their poor planning, OP. It can be frustrating. Hope the rest of your day is more serene.

  3. Is there anyone here who has made a choice to avoid management positions and remain an “individual contributor” indefinitely? (I know there are some environments where this may not really be an option, but for those of you who do have it as an option.) I’m interested in hearing from anyone who’s decided they’re not interested in management: how you came to the decision, how you feel about it, how it’s playing in your career over time.

    1. I’m following with interest. The main downside I see is that you may not want to be the manager to a certain degree… but you also might be watching your peers that may become your manager if you “opt out” and decide the lesser evil is to go for it yourself…

      1. +1. Those teammates of mine who would go for a Lead position are those I would least like to lead me.

        1. I have this question/concern! If you’re offered a step up, can you say “I’m not interested myself, but I demand to be involved in hiring for this position, and if I say somebody is a bad candidate you need to trust that and not make me work for them”? (Joking obviously…)

        2. +2 this is why I’ve decided to position myself better for a leadership in my current job. I’m tired of being led by people I don’t really trust or respect.

      2. I had a peer that became my manager and I was admittedly apprehensive at first. She really stepped into the role though and became my favorite manager ever.
        Separately, whatever you are thinking about your peers, they are thinking the same about you.

        1. I don’t think this second point is true. I think in close-working groups, coworkers often agree about everyone’s respective strengths and weaknesses. They may disagree on the relative importance of these traits, but not on what they are.

    2. Me! It’s working out great because I have a lot of name recognition for being the expert in my small field. Sure my boss might have a higher base salary than me but she isn’t being consulted by industry or contracted by different agencies for contribution, I am. It works for me because my boss is very much a people person and recognizes her job is just about managing people. She has no ego about me being the expert and it totally okay admitting she has more people intelligence and I have more academic intelligence. I’m not sure it would work if your boss doesn’t have that level of self awareness.

    3. This is pretty common in tech fields. Most major tech companies have established pathways for people who want to stay ICs to continue to advance in pay, title, etc. I’m less sure about other fields.

    4. This is my husband. He is a computer engineer and has consistently pursued the on-supervisory technical lead positions. Still advancing, but focused on the technical stuff rather than managing people.

      1. Same. I work in software development. I prefer the technical aspects and problem solving I do at my level. I have no desire to manage people.

    5. I think it’s a sign of strength and wisdom to know what you prefer to do and where to best use your talents.

    6. I know someone with 4 kids who has refused promotions for over a decade. I think when the youngest is driving, she might be up for a change, but launching 4 kids into adulthood is a feat and I can see why she just does one thing very well and that is it. So many women don’t even work that now we need to work and be ambitious? It is exhausting just thinking about it. I’d rather be the master teapot painter if that is what I am really good at than starting a teapot factory just b/c it’s a step up (and often comes with enough tradeoffs to make you really wonder if it’s moving ahead or just treading water faster/longer).

      1. You said it. I am so tired of striving for more, more, more. I used to be an overachieving chick (thus, how I ended up here), and now I’m aiming for being a competent professional and not much more. Even that’s hard some days!

        OP, I am currently in a management role. Long story how I ended up here, but I was hesitant to step into this role and there are days when I actually regret it and wish I were a senior contributor instead. I made a five-year commitment to myself, and then I’ll reevaluate whether to carry on or step back into something else.

        1. Yup, this is me. I don’t think the point is to endlessly strive for more; the point is ti enjoy what the striving gets me (options, a stable salary, interesting work, time with my family).

          Also, I knocked it out of the park at a previous job. Manager abused me; I kept killing it to show that I was good; HR was beyond useless; I eventually quit in desperation. That was when I figured out that “striving” in school gets you college scholarships, admissions to top schools, the ability to get hard degrees, and job opportunities; killing yourself st works adds $0.0001 to their stock and leadership who will send your carcass to vultures if it makes them money.

        2. I could write that last paragraph. I’m currently a manager but sometimes smack myself for taking the logical next step again without really thinking about what I want out of my day to day life. Looking potentially at moving back to IC roles in my next move.

      2. Me! I have four kids, would love one more. Make great money, have great benefits, lots of flexibility, love the subject matter. I do not want to be considered for promotion. I have no interest in managing other lawyers and cutting into my practice. I’m in the army so if I don’t like a boss or job, I just wait a couple of years at most (my peers have recently started to get promoted ahead of my rank). I love my life and don’t attach any additional “striving” value to what I want out of it. It took me twenty years to get there but I am there now.

    7. Me. I am in a senior role as an individual contributor and don’t care if I never move up. I make around 250k incl bonus and work maybe 40h a week.

    8. I guess “made my peace with it” is more accurate than “made a choice” to avoid it. My job is categorized so wildly differently from company to company that I can’t see a clear path to breaking into management. I’ve been part of Engineering, R&D, IT, and Regulatory Compliance departments, depending on the business. The skills needed to manage those departments are all different degrees, different certifications, and different skills. It’s incredibly frustrating, and it’s demoralizing to realize that my field is just kinda chucked wherever, because people don’t recognize its value.

      I’m trying to shift gears and become a senior SME, getting invited to conferences and etc., but quarantine blew that up, so I’ve just been treading water since 2020.

    9. Just because one is a good teapot designer does not mean one will be good at managing other teapot designers. It takes a different skillset. I have the self-awareness to know I would not do well managing others. I feel great about it and my career has progressed just fine.

      1. It seems like managing people is only one part of being in management though. There’s also navigating whatever larger system or organization you may be in, making strategy and budget decisions, setting priorities for the organization, and then handling the consequences of any of the above staff doesn’t support (including when their objections are well-founded). It may involve a lot of compromises that ICs don’t have to make.

        1. There is a sausage factory aspect to the teapot factory, to be sure.

          B, OK worker, is promoted as the cost of him not getting poached by a rival.
          A, C, and D, better workers, work elsewhere and will be livid at B’s promotion, thus kidding off a wave of possible defections to Rival Teapot. Then E goes out on leave. You are back to being an IC and a manager of angry people. There is no winning.

          1. Right–this scenario sounds like A, C and D are in better situations, as long as their pay and benefits are satisfactory.

    10. Yes, me. I am in a specialized field where I basically do internal consulting, and have zero desire to manage other professionals doing what I do; I want to do the hands-on work myself. I absolutely love the hands-on consultative work that I do; I would not have anywhere near the same job satisfaction becoming a manager of people doing the work. I have a manager title, but I am a manager of myself only. It is possible, at some point, that I would maybe manage a couple of other people who support the work that I do (there’s talk right now about hiring an analytics person and a designer to support me) but I’m likely never going to have a huge team or climb up the ladder in a corporation to the point where I’m running a division, etc. I have figured out that I’m happier in midsize companies, vs. very small organizations (like less than 50 people) or very large organizations (over 10,000 people). Fortunately, in my profession it’s very common that people are a “department of one” or that there may be a small team of professionals doing similar work that report into a manager – but that manager is usually managing a broader function. My ultimate goal is that I want to move out on my own and do consultative work as a contractor to companies, and to do that, I don’t need to have been a manager; I need to have worked on substantive projects that had demonstrated positive outcomes.

      I do think succeeding without moving into management is very field (and maybe industry)-dependent. I also think it comes down to what your own version of success is. Success, for me, is not spending endless hours in meetings with other managers; it’s doing the hands-on, “in the field” type of work with my internal clients. I switched careers to get into this field, and when I switched, I never envisioned myself as a manager of a big team or at the top of some career ladder; my version of happiness is doing internal research and then digging my hands into the data to come up with the answers people need to make informed decisions. Not everyone wants to be a manager and IMO, not everyone should be a manager, even if that is nominally the path you’re “supposed” to take to be considered a success.

    11. I have transitioned out of managing a team of ten to a technical individual contributor role. I won’t say I’d never return to managing, a part of me got a lot of fulfillment out of mentoring and clearing obstacles for my team. But in this season of my life, I don’t have enough to give to be a good manager. I was also burnt out from a role in which manager was added on top of an already 100% full schedule, so I was working 60 hours a week to keep up, which definitely affected my interest in managing in subsequent roles. I wanted to be able to focus during my working hours on doing an excellent job at what I do, and I am open about that with people who ask.

      I think one of the keys to being successful as a senior level person who doesn’t manage though is to have a area you are the inhouse expert of and being responsive. Know your stuff, be a resource, get comfortable training and mentoring in a non managerial role, and I find that opens a lot more avenues for you.

      I had made a decision for myself to work on transitioning myself into individual contributor role in many ways for my own mental health as well. I find I get very emotionally wrapped up in bad decisions and take it very personally when I have to implement things I disagree with or deal repeatedly with other managers not understanding my team (think technical workers surrounded by more social roles). Once I stepped back and became an individual contributor it seemed to give me the buffer I needed to let more of that go and take it less personally and be able to more objectively look at things.

    12. My mother actively refused administrative promotions her entire career at a community college and has not regretted it a day.

    13. I took the opposite route, and some considerations are:
      – do you want to give up being involved in setting the direction or strategy for what you do? While SMEs are brought in, it’s usually not at the beginning
      – middle management is tough but upper management isn’t, and you have to slog through the middle to get to a place where you make decisions
      – I’ve found I have a lot more control over my life the higher I’ve gone. I can be the “boss” I always wanted to have and make things good for others
      – as others noted, you do have to know yourself. I’m a much better big picture strategist type than a detail oriented SME so management suits me better
      – if you don’t want to move up, you have to be really comfortable with the idea not only of reporting to former peers but also people junior to you

    14. Did this when kids were young/husband was travelling a ton, and no regrets; have since moved into C-suite role (admittedly at a more advanced age than is normal). No regrets; it was absolutely the right choice at the right time, but be prepared than it can burn just a bit; a peer who became a manager was not great, but our relationship was such that I could kind of call her out on her BS (helped that I was ten years older). Cons: definitely realize as I approach retirement that I missed out on some higher earning years by holding myself back, and won’t have as long in the C suite role as I would like both to accomplish what I hope to,and sock away as much as I would like. But still, would not do it any other way – am grateful that I had the choices I did, good companies that allowed me to meet my personal needs, and did not have that awful feeling of cognitive dissonance when how you are living/working does not line up with how you really want to.

    15. I haven’t really consciously made the decision, but I’ve sought out roles that are higher than the ones I’ve had before they do not have management components.

    16. I am a JD working for a state agency. I advanced to a position where I am a SME in my field, manage no one and work independently. I make six figures in my MCOL area, and work from home, 40 hours/week, so a pretty nice gig for me. And it allows me to have time to spend with my son on evenings and weekends. I have declined offers for management positions because managing people is not my skill set, and I know I would not enjoy it. I watch people around me take on management positions for the higher pay, and then collapse under the stress of performance reviews, disciplining employees, navigating upper management’s requests, admin work, etc. The women I know in management positions suffer from chronic migraines. Read an HBR article a while ago about how women in management experience depression at higher rates, because they internalize the stress. No thanks!

    17. Yes. I am a public sector attorney and never intend to seek promotion. I work hard, respect my boss, and generally find a way to see the good in most of my leadership. My work life balance is amazing. I make $160k and feel very very happy.

    18. My husband not me, so I can’t give you his complete perspective, but he was a supervisor/manager at two jobs were he really liked his staff and then had to lay them off and he just didn’t want to do that again. Which I understand, as I’ve had to do the same. But he also felt all the meetings and planning and “BS” as he called it were not in his wheelhouse and he wanted to do what he called actual work. I do think of the management stuff as work, but he didn’t, so we differed there.

      Anyway for his last job before he retired early recently, he was an individual contributor and refused all overtures of promotion. He did that for over 10 years. The pros were that he was doing work that he liked. The cons were that he maxed out on salary pretty quickly and just got COLA raises. I was ok with it because my career was going really well and he was the reliable hours parent who didd the majority of picking up our kids etc.

      One frustration he had was that inevitably he was working for managers who were younger and less experienced than he was, which could be particularly annoying to him when he thought they were inept (been there, done that, did it better) but he reminded himself a lot about the choices he had made intentionally and just rolled with it.

      Oh, also, his workplace downsized the number of offices they had and moved him and people at his level into a cubicle. That kind of stung too.

    19. Yup. I decided I loved going to court and hearings and that sitting in one place all day wasn’t for me. Can I tell you how it’s worked out?

      Poorly. Everything is still 99% remote and I get paid much less and work much more than folks I was hired with because I valued the lifestyle of not sitting in front of a computer all day. My skills didn’t translate to remote advocacy and I dream of quitting but I have no exit plan.

    20. I was in management from when I was 20. I stepped off the upward progression ladder but not until I was over 60 and became a SME. I don’t need much “managing” from my boss.

    21. Late to this, but I’m in a midlevel position that requires a graduate degree and I love the level of autonomy and the hands-on nature of my work. I’m the only “me” in my organization and I really value the fact that nobody else knows how to do my job and that I’m trusted to do my work with my team with little interference. Two people in leadership positions at my workplace have made noises about helping me move up the chain (which would require yet another degree) and I’ve been invited onto some higher-level projects, but… no thanks! That level involves a whooooole lot of the bullsh!t work I can’t stand and none of the cool on-the-ground work.

    22. I have had a team member with a special needs child who told me he never wants to move up. He does an amazing job, and no one thinks the worse of him. I also stopped moving up by staying at my current firm and topping out rather than stepping up to a name brand, and have zero regrets.

    23. That’s me! I have actively avoided line management jobs for the past decade or so. Mostly, I realized two things:
      1. becoming management would mean i would do more of the stuff i hate, and less of the stuff i love
      2. becoming management moves me closer to the folks that i (mostly) despised. I had whole leadership chains that I simply didn’t want to be associated with.
      I am a very well respected SME in a super niche area. My immediate boss is a former colleague who took the role because someone had to. I mean, we literally all sat down and said “Okay, someone has to fill this role and if we don’t give the Bosses a reasonable option, they will pick someone from outside and THAT won’t work. So… we nominate [that person].”
      Due to being a nichey-niche person whose job involves talking to everrrrrryone, I know lots about what’s going on and have pretty much built the reputation so that i can insert myself when needed / wanted. and/or people reach out and ask for me.
      It’s ironic, this started because of one horrid management chain that i wanted to avoid, but the reason it continues to be so successful is i report to an amazing Top Boss who doesn’t micromanage and lets me do my thing. Mostly they have figured out that’s when the good stuff happens i guess. The issue now is, Top Boss is retiring, and about the only thing i AM sure of is that my leadership chain will be undergoing significant changes. It’s unsettling.
      That said, Top Boss has secured some great promotions and raises for me, and regularly gets me air time with other Top Bosses, and a bad week is maybe 50 hours and that maybe happens 2x/year. I really cannot complain.
      I made the point once to Top Boss – that I distinguish between Leadership and Management. And that I consider myself a Leader, but not a Manager.

  4. Can anyone recommend a good salon in or near Princeton, NJ where I can get a mani/pedi and makeup done for a (vaxxed, outdoor) wedding this spring ? Very excited for an overnight with DH in a nice hotel (first time since our second kid was born at the start of the pandemic!), and to get fancy for the first time in a while. I don’t need anything elaborate – mostly want a professional to do my eyeliner and apply false lashes because I’m hopeless at that.

        1. Oh man I haven’t had Bent Spoon in years. And a minority of votes for Halo Pub.

  5. I am in NYC and really want to try Botox or similar for the first time (35 and starting to see lines form). Any recommendations? Is a derm better than a med spa place?

    I’m a very natural/barely any makeup person and I’m a little terrified of having an obvious/frozen face (I’d rather do nothing than have people be able to “tell” I did it.

    1. No recs, but I’m the same age and same beauty routine and am trying botox for the first time next month. I plan on asking for “baby botox” or a very light application to look very natural.

    2. Not in NYC, but I see a plastic surgeon who specializes in facial reconstruction after accidents – I absolutely trust him to know exactly what he is doing but at the end of the day you want a professional who does Botox and fillers a lot. A nurse is fine too.

      As for frozen face, I also hate that and have not had an issue in the many years I have been getting it done. I only do my 11s and we keep it to 20 units. My forehead is still expressive!

    4. Botox is a good choice for your first time because it’s very targeted and concentrated, unlike Dysport which spreads. Seeing how you react is the key to future customization. Your instinct to start conservative is good.

      Start by taking pre-treatment photos of yourself in good lighting, in three poses: resting face, grinning, and scowling. These are your baseline. You will mimic them after treatment, to see the changes and help your injector make tweaks if necessary.

      I’ve had a bad treatment that made my brows fall down (I switched injectors after that) and I looked slightly odd for about 10 days, then it eased up. Not the end of the world. I know it feels scary, but whatever changes you make will go away.

      I go to a medspa run by an RN. There’s no real “X type of practice is always better than Y” because it’s so geography-dependent, but in NYC you will have your pick, so you’re in good shape. Scour RealSelf for reviews, then head over to Insta and see if the names that interest you have accounts.

      1. Thank you, this is such a helpful comment! I am a total newbie so this all is new/helpful info to me.

    6. Oh!!! I have a rec!! I just did this almost 2 weeks ago and it looks FABULOUS. Sorry, I’m excited. The place is called Peachy. There are 3 locations. They cater to a younger set so that they can offer a flat rate. Basically, if you’re in your 20s getting preventative botox, it’ll be fewer units. This offsets when someone like me goes in and gets more units. I’d love to give you my referral info. You’ll get $50 off and I’ll get $ off as well. You can send a message to emailsignup123 at the google mail. (Throwaway account)

  6. The other day, someone posted about an Afghan refugee mum of 3 who was mowed down by a drunk driver, leaving 3 kids under 5 incl a 4mth old. I g o o g l e d using the key words “Afghan mother drunk driver” and was able to contribute to a Gofundme.

    Posting in case anyone else would like to do so. I don’t know the family, don’t even live in the US. No affiliation in any way.

  7. Is there anything we can do for those in Ukraine (besides watch in horror and wonder what else Russia will want and if this doesn’t embolden China with Taipei and Hong Kong and the South China Sea)?

      2. As someone who spent a considerable time growing up in HK (pre-handover and the years after) and Taiwan, this rings true and makes me sad. I really miss the HK of the late 1990s when it was still a vibrant, thriving place and my relatives could talk about politics freely. Even in 2005 I could start seeing the political tides change for the worse and over the years everyone I know left HK if they were able to.

        1. I left HK right before the protests, intending to be back in a few months. My company kept me in the US because of the protests, and then everyone changed. It’s surreal to realize that was the end of HK as I knew it, and I just didn’t realize it.

        2. I have a friend in HK who has lived there since the early 90s. I think she stays because her standard of living is higher there than it would be here. She still travels and her kids went to high school and college in the US. Maybe it’s not so hard if you’re rich?

          I know that doesn’t make it better. I was surprised by these comments because it still seems like my friend is living very well.

          1. I’m the Anon at 10AM – your friend isn’t wrong that her standard of living is good compared to the US, especially if they’re rich or an expat in which the company pays for housing, your kids’ education, and domestic staff (I don’t know if they do that anymore but they used to back in the 90s). What’s bad about HK now is the absolute lack of any democracy and free political discourse – in 1997 people were hoping that HK would influence the rest of mainland China to encourage free speech and contemporary democratic ideals. Instead, the opposite happened over the last 20 years, with the elections being complete shams and culminating in the 2019 protests. For the young HK-born, they have no way out unless they’re well-connected elsewhere. Also, a lot of the middle and lower classes have been increasingly economically squeezed by mainlanders buying up property and other resources. Most of my people left for the UK, US, Canada, etc for political reasons around 2010, because they were old enough to remember Tiananmen and didn’t want to be there when the next one happened.

            To original OP – sorry for the complete threadjack. Watching Russia move in on Ukraine brings up all sorts of bad feelings in me with regards to China’s next moves.

          2. So nothing has changed in terms of prosperity. I thought the reference was to democracy and being able to speak up, etc. Sorry if my earlier response conflated the two.

    3. Wherever you live, take good care of your own democracy by being active and supporting candidates who support democracy at home and abroad.

      It’s not a lot compared to the needs, and may not be enough, but it is unquestionably better for democracy in the world for the US, Canada, UK, and other rich and powerful countries to have leaders who are in favor of democracy and who respect elections. And not leaders who think well of Putin for invading Ukraine.

  8. What are your favorite black joggers for travel that could double as casual work wear? What are the EF pants everyone likes (confused by all the various options online!) Has anyone tried Athleta Latitude or Vuori Miles pants? Thanks!

    1. I bought some cargo joggers from BR (maybe BR Factory) that I plan to wear to work. My Loft skinny pants that were a curvy Sloane-type pant are too snug and these probably are OK in darker colors (I have black and olive). I figure work camo is still a bridge too far except on a Friday maybe.

      1. I have a similar pair from Gap. Super comfortable, olive, feel like sweatpants, look fine for casual work days.

    3. I haven’t tried them yet myself but one of these days will get around to the Marine Layer Alison style to experiment!

      1. Fwiw, I hated those to and the Vouori joggers everyone raves about – the material is too PJs-esque, fine for WFH or the grocery store but I wouldn’t wear to work. Athlete made some I really like for the office, the Brooklyn jogger – the material is nice but more substantial.

    4. Lulu lemon Stretch High Rise Pant 7/8 length.
      They have an elastic waist with a tuck-in-able string, but as long as I have a shirt that covers the waist, no one can tell they aren’t just business casual pants.

    5. Stretch Crepe Slim Ankle Pants from Nordstrom: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/4211579

      These are the EF pants. I have a number of them. I stick to dark neutrals so black, charcoal, navy. I wear them on the plane (or did, when I was traveling) and somehow they’re still fine to wear for work meetings at my destination. They just don’t wrinkle or crease.

      They make a wider leg full length version which I don’t really like the look of as much on me, maybe my eye just needs to adjust, but if we all stop wearing ankle pants at least I have those.

    6. The Eileen Fisher pants are the crepe pants. I find them loose and not particularly flattering, but perhaps I haven’t found the right color and size yet.

      1. I guess it depends on what size you buy. I was looking at mine thinking they looked too much like leggings on me, so I sized up for my next pair.

  9. Hi all. I posted yesterday about a DH’s depression, and just want to thank everyone for the replies and the focus on medication, therapy, and/or exercise. The more I think about it, the more I realize he does struggle with depression/funks and has since I met him…but he’s a very high-functioning person so it is tricky. I also know the correlation of his mood/behavior when he’s in a good workout routine vs. not.

    Whatever resentment he has, it needs to be worked through so it’s not passed to DD #2 (which it hasn’t to date, but again I don’t want to wait and watch) and impacts all of our relationships. I am looking forward to speaking with him once his current fog lifts.

    Until then, I’m focusing on myself, repeating that it’s not my fault, etc. I did ask him yesterday what the highlight of his day was (something we usually do before bed) and we laughed about how he ate multiple cookies across the day from a work lunch event. :)

    1. Wait so he’s not in professional treatment for his obvious depression? Unacceptable

      1. No, he did see a therapist for a good chunk of 2021 which I think helped put the focus on looking forward but I don’t think he’s ever done a deep dive of his own depression – like I don’t think he told the therapist “Hey I’m depressed” or “Hey it feels like the whole world is on my shoulders” – because he’ll implement something that will alleviate it for a time period (e.g. biking, travel, etc.) He himself doesn’t realize he gets depressed, so all I can do is bring it to him and then let him deal with it (and provide support) as he sees fit.

        1. You sound like you really want to avoid confrontation, but you do have your daughters’ health and safety to protect here. I think there are a lot of options between “tell him he’s depressed and hope he does something about it” and “divorce him.”

          1. 100% – I don’t like confrontation and tend to be a people pleaser (something I’m working through). Thank you for this statement. I do think framing it around DD #2 will make an impact.

    2. I hope this doesn’t sound too critical, but I don’t understand why your waiting for him to stop being sick before you get help/he gets help (?). Maybe it has to do with his willingness to address it, but I hope things get better for all of you soon.

    3. I missed yesterday but want to pass on what my psychiatrist told me. Had I known this younger, I wouldn’t have waited to 38 to go on antidepressants.

      Every time you have a depressive episode, it makes it more likely for you to have another depressive episode, and each one is more difficult to treat with the coping mechanisms that all of us with high functioning depression have created for ourselves. So, yes at 30, working out and cutting out caffeine and alcohol, and getting a sunlamp worked to keep me functioning, but 10 depressive episodes later, and its not enough anymore. Going on anti depressants, and the doctor telling me we will give it a year, if you have no episodes we start weaning you off was life changing. It truly hadn’t occurred to me that treatment was any more than masking symptoms.

      1. And, research just this week found that mental illness including depression, anxiety, bipolar, and schizophrenia, are actually BIGGER predictors of future dementia than physical activity is.

        1. Do the meds improve the odds though? (I was on Xanax off label for a respiratory condition, and I was taken off of it when the studies on benzos and dementia risk were published.)

      1. I agree. OP you’re still tiptoeing around this when you need to address it head-on. Do it for your daughter. Your post is about how you’ve made peace with yourself, which is important, but the problem is still there.

    5. I know everyone is coming down on you hard, but this feels so much like my life and partner and I really feel you on all points. Partner is high functioning. After several years of working on it, put into crisis with the combo of baby and my cancer, he now talks openly about mental health and even used the words anxiety and depression. But he is still jittery about it. There’s so much stigma. And when he’s in a funk (which doesn’t last more than a week, normally a couple days) is not the time to problem solve. It’s hard to blame him when I denied I needed treatment for 5 years before getting life-changing help! Oh, and he also worked through private resentment when the baby was born, not of her per se but of the impact on his sleep. He’s past that now, but I’m sure there will be additional waves. We are honest with each other about these hard feelings (and fears! Like maybe I’ll drop her or she will stop breathing), and they pass. They are feelings. This is not to say not to put your foot down, just that I profoundly understand choosing your timing.

      1. I almost teared up reading this! Thank you. I actually spent some time last night writing down my thoughts, and framing it around DD #2. I’m now just waiting for a better (not perfect) time to share this. He needs to know it’s not just moving forward but moving THROUGH with the right tools. And I wholeheartedly agree medication is life-giving.

        1. Oh good for you. Writing it down really does help, doesn’t it! Hugs to you if you want them. It’s hard.

  10. Help me shop, ladies. What does a 40-something wear for a going-out top? I was invited to a gathering over the weekend and was not happy with what I ended up wearing (a sweater dress and cute boots). It didn’t feel very festive in comparison to what the other women were wearing. I have always struggled with this particular wardrobe hole, so any ideas for 1-2 pieces I could add for when something like this comes up again? I would prefer to not show much chest. (It’s a hangup I cannot get over; I’m just never comfortable in low-cut stuff.) Size 12-14ish.

      1. One had a short sequined dress that I could never pull off in a million years, but she looked great. Another had a lacy top and black pants. The other wore a flouncy black dress. I think what trips me up is that my style is very classic and basic. I am not one of those people who is drawn to pretty things, apparently. LOL. I’m just very much a casual dresser at heart. All my dressy clothes are for work, and they never translate well to a social environment.

        1. That seems really fancy to me — what sort of place/event were you at?

          Shopburu has some things that I like for “festivewear.” They are generally washable and have pockets and while I’m not a mom of small kids, they seem to work for me. They sit in my closet too much, but they fit and are comfy and flattering.

    4. Wardrobe Oxygen’s “40+ Going Out Top for Grown-A$$ Women” is just what you need.

    5. If you are feeling preppy, Sail to Sea. If you are feeling the Victorian touches, LoveShackFancy. I also find almost any silk blouse works, and they can be found just about anywhere, but I really like Antonio Melani and Rebecca Taylor, for plain and boho light, respectively.

    6. I’m always cold, so it’s always a black turtleneck in the winter, perhaps with a Beck Sondergaard-type scarf if really cold. It takes simple up a notch. But I swear that simple + good earrings just works.

      For warm weather, I have some cute Farm Rio tops that read “happy to be here; pass me a cold beverage.” But really good plain white tees work also.

      Sezane is fun to look at; I feel a bit like I cannot pull that off any more, but I love their accessories :)

    7. My go-to brands are Emerson Fry (gorgeous silk blouses I wear both formally at work and with jeans), Hunter Bell (lots of variety, not always my style but beautiful quality), Sezane, and JCrew (not every collection but they come out with winners a few times a year).

    8. My go-to brands are Emerson Fry (gorgeous silk blouses I wear both formally at work and with jeans), Hunter Bell (lots of variety, not always my style but beautiful quality), Sezane, and JCrew (not every collection but they come out with winners a few times a year).

      1. Nice enough top, but it’s not a going out top. You’re asking the accessories to make what is basically a t shirt into a going out top, which I don’t think is what OP is looking for.

    11. I responded to your prior post (I have a wardrobe of tops for going out because my husband is in a bar band.)

      I mentioned that most of my going out tops came from Loft, but I was doing a little closet tidying this weekend and realized that a few of them are actually “Holliday” tops. I think I can pull them off for non holiday stuff because they’re not red or green (my favorite is navy) and because I’m not dressed up head to toe – I’m just wearing them with jeans, or in the summer maybe a casual skirt, and depending on the weather, a warm topper but not a fancy topper. I think the key is that it’s not something I’d wear to work. It’s just for going out.

      These are also nice things to take on a work trip. Say you’re going to a conference and there’s one nicer dinner – you can wear your work skirt or pants and your going out top and still be festive but work appropriate without having to pack a whole “look” for one dinner.

      I gravitate toward satiny fabrics and deeper v neck (with modesty cami for the work event). For a while I really liked a satiny wrap blouse for this but I think those are hard to find right brow.

  11. If you were planning a vacation to Europe this summer, are you putting it off in light of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine? DH and I were planning a trip to central Europe this summer, and I’m questioning whether we should postpone or travel elsewhere. I’m leaning no, but in March 2020, I thought we’d be able to go to Hawaii over the summer, so I’m second-guessing myself. Obviously very different issues, but when the British PM says that Russia could start the biggest war since 1945, it gives me pause.

      1. We were going to go to Switzerland in July but flights are insanely expensive (like almost $2k per person for economy!) so I was using one of those websites where you enter your dates and home airports and it searches for cheap flights. Not a huge surprise but it alerted me to very cheap flights to Kiev. Lol, yeah no thanks.

    2. no, we are looking into booking a trip right now ourselves. However for Covid reasons (shifting restrictions etc) we only book places with flexible cancellation now anyway and only book with major carriers that offer no-change-fee flight credits, so minimize our financial risk of any disruption.

    3. You’re fine! I wouldn’t have any hesitation traveling anywhere EXCEPT Ukraine at this moment. And I suspect the airspace over Ukraine will be closed to commercial flights, so that’s not a concern if you’re traveling over. Gas prices are about to go through the roof, but if you’re on holiday, you’re likely taking public transport anyways.
      Central Europe is fab – where are you planning to go? I lived in Poland, and LOVE Prague.

    5. Honestly that hadn’t occurred to me. We are going to Bruges-to-Amsterdam in May/June, and Tuscany in September, and are still full steam ahead on both.

      We did cancel the December trip to Sudan LOL.

        1. Yes! We’re sleeping/eating on a barge and cycling during the day. So fun! (Especially since I’ll have an e-bike.)

    6. We’re supposed to go to Poland to visit my husband’s family this June (and one city we’ll be going to is relatively close to the Ukrainian border). We bought refundable tickets because of Covid and will be watching the situation closely, but we still plan on going there unless the situation really changes.

  12. I know there are some folks here who have side hustles or are independent contractors/practitioners, and I have a question related to my own consulting side hustle.

    I posted last week that my MIL has been diagnosed with very advanced gastric cancer and has been moved to hospice. She is really not doing very well; she underwent a second paracentesis (procedure to drain fluid from her abdomen) on Monday and instead of making her feel a bit better, as it was supposed to, she had some kind of a “crash” and had to go back into the hospital, and just went home this morning, doing a little better but still not great. Obviously we don’t know how this is going to play out, but it’s not looking good. She’s not responding to treatment basically at all, and is going downhill a lot faster than even the hospice people expected.

    I have a side gig doing independent consulting for a couple of local companies. I was on contract with one of them last year and we did some good work together. They don’t have the budget right now to put me back on contract, but they had reached out for me to do some work with them, including speaking at a virtual event they’re having in mid-March. We hadn’t signed an agreement or anything for me to do the work, and with everything happening with my MIL I reached out yesterday and said that I could no longer commit to speaking at the event because I honestly don’t know what’s going to be happening in my life in mid-March. My husband and I both agreed to “clear the decks” in case we need to go to where my MIL is (6 hours away) multiple times over the next few weeks and assist in her caregiving (she’s in assisted living right now but may need to go to full nursing fairly shortly, or go into residential hospice). My clients were understanding, but I could tell they were stressed by my pulling out of the event. I offered some names of a couple of other consultants I know who could step in, and while they were gracious, I could tell they weren’t happy.

    I realize this may be a weird thing to be concerned about in light of everything else, but I’m worried I’ve just killed this relationship with my client. I am hoping to eventually move out on my own and consult full-time, and this relationship was the first step to doing that. Now I am worried I’ve basically killed my side hustle and will have to start over from scratch building relationships with new clients after my MIL’s illness comes to whatever end is going to happen. Let me be clear – I have no guilt about my decision; my family has to come first. But I do feel sad and somewhat frustrated that just as it seemed like I was getting some traction in my private consulting work – moving closer to what my ultimate goal is – I am going to have to start all over and rebuild from scratch. Should I reach out to my client and make some kind of other offer to help them with the event, even if I can’t commit to speaking? Is there some other thing I could do to preserve the relationship here?

    1. I get what you’re feeling but I wonder if some of it may be misplaced stress from the other things happening in your life. Don’t reach out, I think it’s better for both you and your client if you’re just totally out of this particular gig. Things come up! If they’re people worth working with, they will understand that.

      1. Yes, I agree. I wouldn’t want to work for/with someone who didn’t understand that life happened, especially when it is clearly so sudden and catastrophic.
        Keeping you, your husband, and your MIL in my thoughts – it sounds like a devastating situation all around.

      2. +1. You were probably just hearing their initial reaction to the not-great news. Anyone with any life experience knows these things happen and it isn’t a professional dereliction of duty. They will get over it and find someone to fill in for the conference (it’s not like you gave them a 2 day notice). Once the conference has passed and your personal life settles down, set up a coffee or lunch meeting with them to check in and to let them know you’re ready to help them going forward.

      3. I agree with wondering if what you’re experiencing is an overflow of the stress about your MIL and your disappointment over the setback it’s causing. It seems like there’s some all-or-nothing thinking going on here related to the “I was so close and now I’ll have to start over from scratch.”

        I doubt that’s truly the case. But even IF all your current clients totally disappear and never want to talk to you again (really???), you’ve still learned a great deal about how to do the work and build the business, and you’ll build on that.

    2. Being clear and making a firm boundary is the best choice here, and you’ve done that. Waffling and going back to them would make you look uncertain and disorganized. Don’t second-guess yourself. Long-term, someone who understands their own bandwidth, and makes choices that reflect it, is the type of consulting behavior you want to model.

    3. If they are going to hold it against you that you couldn’t commit to something next month (that you also weren’t under contract to do!) because of a family emergency, these aren’t people you want to have a relationship with.

      Next time you communicate with them, just let them know that you appreciate their leeway during your family emergency, and are looking forward to working with them on X project soon.

    4. If you were super busy already with prior client engagement, you’d just say you were booked up and not apologize, right? We fret so much on personal things, but the reality to the client is no different than if you had pre-sold your teapot inventory and were busy sourcing and making more. “I’d love to, but March isn’t possible; please keep me in mind for future talks and we’ll try to schedule it with a confirmed date.”

    5. I’m an independent consultant. The client can be hurt but if they didn’t have the budget to put you on a project what are you really missing out on? They didn’t prioritize your work when they were budgeting. Were they going to pay you to speak?

      Take care of yourself and try to put these worries out of your head so you can focus on supporting your family needs during this time. So sorry you’re going through this.

    6. Agree with everyone else’s wise advice, and sending love and support to you and your family.

    7. Thanks everyone for the replies. For the question about whether I was going to be paid to speak – I was going to be paid, and I have done small things like that for them with just a simple one-page agreement in place. Which is part of the reason why I feel bad, because if they bring in another consultant they may have to negotiate with that person for their participation…but also realize, that is not my problem, right?

      I really appreciate all the empathy and sound advice from everyone. I completely agree that this is probably anxiety/sadness about what’s going on with my MIL surfacing in different ways. When she got diagnosed, I figured that was the big “crash,” but instead this has been like a series of ongoing crashes: oh, she doesn’t just have tumors, she has malignant ascites which means she’s end-stage. CRASH! Oh, she had a bad time after the paracentesis and is back in the hospital, CRASH! Oh, her oxygen sats are down and her kidneys may be failing and we’re not sure what to do about this, CRASH! It’s just a series of small disasters, one after the other, and I think I am fixating on this thing with my client to avoid the real issue, which is that we’re trapped in a situation with my MIL’s disease process that we can’t control. Again, so appreciate the kind words and advice I received. Y’all are great.

  13. Little vent: I am at that age where I’m Mom and Dad’s IT administrator, and in general I am glad to do that. The problem is that they are going out of their way to make it unnecessarily difficult. They insist on using specific versions of programs that are years old, because “I got used to this one, and I don’t like the new version”. Then they get angry and flustered because everything auto-updates, and they expect me to undo it and reinstall the legacy versions they want, which are no longer supported. I have explained this ad nauseum, and how it leaves them open to viruses and exploits, and they just. don’t. care.

    My calming manta is “At least they don’t use Facebook, at least they don’t use Facebook.”

    1. I’ve been pretty firm with “wow, that sucks, let me help make the transition to $new-version as easy as possible.”

    2. Oh no…. my parents are pretty tech-savvy but my in-laws, oh boy… My husband runs an IT service desk professionally and gets all the calls.

    3. As someone with a dear friend who insists on using a Mac and WordPerfect (which isn’t available for Mac, so necessitates a Windows virtual machine), I sympathize.
      I ended up telling him the next time he blows it up, we’re shopping for a new Windows computer OR he can transition to Office or he can pay someone to deal with this self-inflicted hot mess.
      But yes… at least they don’t use Facebook. That’s huge.

    4. oh man, just commiseration here. My in-laws will get upset when we don’t react with delight to another tech request. You are on computers the whole day, you surely know how to solve my problem in your sleep! Nope, actually, this is also a lot of googling around and guesswork for me.
      One time they went to the telecom store for help and tried to shame us that they had to get help from a stranger, lol.

    5. Commiseration. Both my parents were programmers… using unix/linux. Neither mastered drag/drop or right click.

      1. Ooof, I go between Linux and Windows regularly and have blown up more than a few Word documents by absent mindedly using emacs keyboard shortcuts. The struggle is real.

    6. So much commiseration. I’d give anything if my parents just wrote down their flipping passwords. And don’t get me started on my mother and FB.

    7. My workplace did this to accommodate the whims of long-serving executives, and when the loudest complainer finally retired the relief from our IT department was palpable.

    8. I sent my mom an email from work once, and she said oh it’s so nice your work has AOL! (aol meant email to her). So I feel your pain!

      They just inevitably have to move forward. I don’t love Windows 11 but here we are.

    9. My elderly mother’s group of friends all use this nice young man for their tech support (I think one of them found him and recommended to all the rest). He charges a pretty steep hourly rate but literally comes to their home and respectfully and kindly walks them through things like using a new version of a program. I think everyone who can afford to should have that! I think its often hard for parents to effectively listen to their kids on these things.

    10. I hear you. My parents have decided instead of paying a monthly rental fee, they buy their own modem… which then inevitably has problems that do not become the ISP’s problem. Have offered to write a check for the rental fee, mostly so that someone else gets the call.

    11. I had coworkers who refused to update MS Office until the last moment before it was required by IT because “they couldn’t get used to” the new versions. These were people in their 40s. Can you just tell your parents the old versions can’t be restored anymore?

      1. Lol it’s me. Not at work–government here so can’t update anything and our mandated versions are always far far in the past. But at home? I put off updates until things don’t work, and then I grumble at the changes. Did it in my 20s, 30s, and now blindly continuing into my 40s. My spouse says “I know this will make you mad, but you can now do [blank] with the new update. Don’t kill the messenger.” I don’t want to do more! I just want to do what I did they way I did! Luddites of the world, unite.

  14. Where would you go for vacation the week between Christmas & NY? It will be my spouse & a friend. We’re seeking something warm, flying from Newark & Boston. Limited time off means 5-6 nights max.

    We went to Puerto Rico recently and enjoyed it (nice outdoor activities, direct flights). We are generally active travelers and haven’t done many Caribbean islands other than a resort in Jamaica.

    Are there islands you would suggest based on this limited info? Or perhaps Cancun/Tulum?

    2. I like Cancun a lot for a beach vacation. St. Lucia, Turks and Caicos and Antigua are also great. What are you looking to do?

      1. I’m curious to hear what you like about those locations!

        Probably a little bit of time laying on the beach and otherwise some exploring, walking/hiking, and hopefully some snorkeling.

        I should have said one of us is veg, so while we aren’t huge foodies while traveling, options that suit vegetarian eaters are welcome!

        1. I’m into beaches and snorkeling, so the locations I named are all good for that. I wouldn’t say Cancun has good snorkeling in the hotel zone but in certain seasons there’s the chance to swim with whale sharks from Cancun which is awesome. You can also see turtles if you go to Akumal down near Tulum. We’ve done a few all-inclusives and the best ones have all been in Cancun. It’s an easier flight for me (from Chicago) than most of the rest of the Caribbean, which is why we go frequently. Turks and Caicos, St. Lucia and Antigua are top of my list for Caribbean snorkeling. The beaches in all those places are very beautiful, gorgeous sand and turquoise blue water. St. Lucia has more hiking than the other places. In general, I think St. Lucia is the Caribbean island that most resembles Hawaii, so if you like Hawaii, that might be a good one to start with.

    3. Tulum is so fun and has plenty of active activities. Direct flight makes it an easy trip.

    4. The NY or Boston to the Bahamas is a very quick flight. I’m dying to go to the Azores and there are direct flights from both Boston and the NYC area.

    5. Look at where JetBlue flies as Newark and Boston are typically great for them. Antigua is one of them – fun mix of beach hopping, water stuff, and history (hike some forts!).

    6. If you enjoyed PR, then St. John. You have to take the ferry from St. Thomas, but you should be able to get a direct to St. Thomas and the ferry is easy. Hiking, beautiful beaches, amazing snorkeling. Food is nothing to write home about, but it’s fine.

      1. (If you go, rent a vehicle way in advance, by the way, as they can run out of them and you need one. Get a jeep or SUV with high clearance so you can go to Lameshur Beach-the road is not great if it’s been raining and has pretty deep pot holes. They do drive on the left side of the road, but it’s slow enough going it’s not so hard. Just repeat “left side” at every turn until you get used to it…).

  16. I start a new job next week, and I am a little bit terrified. It will be my first official managerial position. I majorly managed up in the job I’m leaving, but it’s not quite the same.
    Any pep talks or sage words of advice so that I don’t let my imposter syndrome get the best of me?

    1. They wouldn’t have chosen you if they didn’t think you could do the job! You will make mistakes. We all do. Learn from them and don’t dwell on them. Most managers either micromanage or are too distant. Try to strike a happy medium by making expectations clear (metric based goals or clear project success criteria are great). Tailor your interventions to the employee’s skill level for the task at hand. They may need to be shown how to do it, coached through it, or given free rein to do it with flare. This is irrespective of level and entirely matched to experience with the current activity. Do not wait to give negative feedback. It will only bite you later. Make sure when you give it, it is specific and actionable (what was the situation? What did employee do? What was the negative impact?). And if you even sniff the need for performance management, start documenting then and there. Best case scenario you turn it around and it was extra time, but in worse scenarios you will be grateful.

      It’s a learning curve! Give yourself grace. I’ve both pissed off a lot of employees and earned a lot of loyalty over the years.

    2. One of the biggest things I learned in taking a management role was to build in planning time. If I’m doing both strategic management and management of individuals, I needed to block time to be able to think ahead (what are my objectives for each of the announcements at that staff meeting? What are my team’s biggest pain points on their current initiatives and how can I best help them in those areas?).

    3. Don’t confuse “learning curve and growth and building expertise” with “imposter syndrome.” Just because you don’t know what you’re doing right now doesn’t mean you’re an imposter. Why should you perfectly know how to do a job you’ve never done before? Not knowing what you’re doing merely means you’re new and have stuff to learn. Embrace the learning curve and the uncertainty. It’s just means you’re stepping out of your comfort zone, and that’s where growth and increase happens.

      If, after you’ve been doing the job for 10 years and know what you’re doing and are good at it, you still feel like an imposter who’s going to be found out and exposed at any minute . . . that’s imposter syndrome.

  17. Hi All, Thanks for the push yesterday to return to my old job. My old boss is thrilled to have me back (I was already on loan to the other team for longer than she had agreed to).

    2. Congratulations! Now I suspect you’re going to have to enforce some boundaries when the prior manager realizes he needs you and keeps asking you to pinch hit for “just this one thing” on top of your regular job. Sounds like your current manager has your back, which is a great place to be. I’d say just have a plan (I have been in your shoes!)

      1. Also, if this former guy is the prince he sounds like, his realization that they actually did need you after all is not going to come across like that. It’s going to come across as a giant business tantrum where you’re the b1tch.

  18. Cleaning conundrum that has been confounding me for two houses now: my dog is a very, very messy drinker, and also sheds a LOT. I can handle his hair with a regular rubber bristle broom or the vacuum most of the time. In the kitchen, however, some hair is wet from being dripped on as he walks away from the water bowl, and the broom just pushes it around. I have a Shark steam mop for our tile kitchen floors, but you have to sweep before using it. Paper towels sort of help. What’s the best move here – like a Swiffer mop?

      1. I actually just got an LL Bean waterhog for this exact reason and it’s helping, but he still dribbles across half the kitchen unfortunately!

        1. Waterhog mat in the utility room. (The pet one is too small – I have a regular doormat sized one.)

    2. We have a plastic tray under our dog water bowl. Even the couple of times I stepped on and overturned the bowl it keeps the water in the tray. I think we found it at target or pet smart.

    3. Our large, very messy drinker would trail water a good 30 feet from his bowl multiple times a day. I ended up shoving his dish into the far end of our very narrow utility room and putting a bath rug on the floor. This didn’t dam the river but the time it took for him to turn himself around or back out slowly meant the worst of it was confined to the rug in the utility room instead of spread across half the house.

      1. Our dogs are clearly cut from the same cloth, ha! This is helpful, thank you so much.

        1. I often wondered how much was ingested as opposed to absorbed through his feet!

    4. Bath mat or beach towel under the bowl, and also a general lowering of standards has worked for my life with my Bumpus hounds.

    5. We have a big mat and a Neater Feeder. Having both has pretty much eliminated our water dripping problems and the raised bowls are good for digestion or so I was told by someone and I clearly believed it.

      1. I think this is the kind of thing I need to be looking for. Thank you as always!

          1. Better on most fronts! My mentor is leaving for another job though, so I’m a little worried that we didn’t make use of the time we have had up to this point. But weirdly I think it’ll make me rely on my actual manager and team a lot more, and that will be good for bonding over remote work (which has been tough) and also for my manager to understand the workload, which she knows is big but needs evidence in order to make changes. If I’m constantly bothering her she’ll have her evidence, ha!

          2. This is late in the day but I’m glad to hear this. Bummer to have the mentor leave, but I think you’re making lemonade!

  19. I’ll one-up and share that today I’m wearing a *sweatshirt* jacket from James Perse. It’s unbelievably comfortable and perfect for business casual.

    1. I just got an LL Bean quilted sweatshirt jacket secondhand, and though it’s a bit boxier than my preference, it’s otherwise phenomenal.

  20. I have a teen who is old enough to have a job and actually wants to get one this summer. She is bright and a hard-worker, but with the pandemic, her people skills have her at a spot where she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. After a lot of “me, too” moments, where would you send a teen girl for a first job where she can dip a toe into working without being too worried that a naive kid who has spent 2 years mainly just at home or school (so not having the navigating the mall or movies sans parent that we grew up with and that older kids had in their favor) will have something bad happen to them? Grocery store and what else?

    2. Lifeguard, mother’s helper, Summer nanny/babysitter, or see if she has any ideas for starting her own business.

    3. I would suggest a fast food/grocery job. Dealing with the public builds a lot of important skills I find recent grads often lack.

    4. Amusement parks! If there is one near you. They hire TONS of kids her age and can be a really fun experience. Besides that, ice cream parlors are a great summer job. Hostessing at a restaurant. Also, explore internships!

    5. Waitressing, though you’ll have to find a place that doesn’t serve alcohol, as I think most states don’t allow a server’s license for alcohol until 18. My first job was waiting tables at a small cafe; learned lots of people skills that way.

      1. I second the restaurant industry – she could hostess, even at a chain restaurant and learn a ton. I think restaurant and retail teaches how to deal with and understand people/clients in a really important way.

        1. In the current environment, I absolutely would not want a teen’s first job to be waiting tables, especially a girl because girls tend to get targeted for harassment more often. There are all sorts of news articles out there about how customers are being just terrible to servers, and I wouldn’t want to subject a young teen to that in a first job.

          1. It is a truly unfortunate fact of life that girls and women tend to get targeted for harassment more often… everywhere, not just in the restaurant industry. I was a teen girl whose first job was waiting tables. And yes, customers suck, drug use is rampant, and everyone on staff is sleeping with each other. It was thrilling and I loved it and I wanted no part of it for a long-term career so it motivated me in that way, too. Now, decades later, I still draw on the soft skills that waiting tables cultivated for me. And I can tell early on when I meet someone whether they’ve ever had to work a customer service job, or whether they went straight from graduate school into a professional office workplace. There’s a big difference.

    6. Drugstores, fast food, grocery stores — really anything where you are public facing builds excellent life skills.

    7. I think anywhere hiring teens depending on where you live. The local pool, or nannying/ babysitting, petsitting, if you want her more protected or own her own schedule. Otherwise any local place hiring teens should be fine. It sounds like a great growth opportunity for her!

    8. This sounds exactly like my daughter. She ended up getting a job busing at a restaurant that serves only breakfast and lunch. This was perfect for her because she got to be out and about with people but didn’t have to often talk to customers since she was not a waitress. And interaction with her coworkers has helped too, more so than any interactions in school.

      I also think being breakfast and lunch only gives a more calm vibe for the clientele and the workers since it is not a bar/restaurant, which is also good for her.

    9. Our local retirement communities are always in need of servers for the dining room. Hopefully she will find a job but, if not, would recommend that she find work as a volunteer somewhere. The first job for both of my kids was as a volunteer summer camp counselor.

    10. I started working at a local grocery store as a cashier at 15. I worked there on and off until I was 22. Great for weekends, summers and college breaks. Also still very close with a friend I worked with for a few years.

    11. Nannying. Lots of working moms need a summer babysitter. If she doesn’t drive, hopefully the family lives near a park or something they can walk to. If your daughter takes an infant and child first aid course from the Red Cross, she will be in high demand. She should charge $15 or more per hour, and she will get her schedule filled up pretty quickly.

      1. Counterpoint, I was a nanny and also held a lot of other ‘female’ jobs as a young woman because that’s what I was told I was supposed to do. I found it so incredibly degrading. I was much happier at a McJob where my gender didn’t matter.

        1. Counterpoint to the counterpoint. My daughter is making bank as a nanny in college. My son doesn’t have that option because no one will hire a male for it, and he’s making much much less at his standard part time job.

    12. Day camp counselor? My kids’ day camp is mostly staffed by local teenagers.

    13. I worked (paid job) at the public library when I was in high school. Mostly I shelved books and fetched magazines (remember those?) for patrons. I interacted with the public, but people were mostly pretty calm in the library.

      This was way back in the 1980s, so I don’t know if libraries have any opportunities like that any more.

      1. Me too. And yes, some libraries still have those jobs. Pays minimum wage, to my understanding.

    14. My daughter’s friends enjoyed working at a cookie shop and an ice cream shop last summer. These environments seem relatively sheltered from irate customers as opposed to waiting tables, retail, etc. Summer camp and amusement parks also sound like a good bet. A country club, maybe. Lifeguarding is also generally good for qualified teens, although there were a couple of unusually aggressive patrons at our neighborhood pool this past season so I’d only allow a teen to work there if an adult supervisor were on site.

    16. Here are all the jobs I had when I was a teen: Babysitting, fast food/fast casual restaurant, hostess at a sit-down restaurant, server with a catering company, server at a wedding venue, and summer office worker (for me it was software testing). All were great experiences, taught me responsibility, and gave me some gas/spending money. My favorites were the wedding venue and the office job– I was a junior/senior in high school for those. My sister had similar experiences but also worked a variety of retail jobs.

    17. I worked at a local YMCA as a lifeguard and child care center helper for a summer around that age, then later advanced to being a counselor for day camps and supervising the rock climbing wall. The Y was a great first job and there were other teens around to socialize with. The managers were used to working with teens and gave us graduated responsibilities while maintaining good supervision. I think a community center like that is an ideal first job.

      I also think working at a library, parks district, or hobby shop (painting ceramics, game shop, art gallery, locally owned music store) would be a low key but interesting job. Perhaps she has some passions or interests to explore.

      I would avoid food service, to be honest. I worked just one brief stint in food service and found management to be exploitative and the work to be tedious without helping me build good social or work skills that I could carry forward.

  21. What girl names do you like lately? I’m due in two months and in need of some inspiration… I lean towards names that are more traditional and instantly recognizable, but as a Jessica born in the 80s, also don’t want something overly common.

    1. The kids in middle school now all have their grandmothers’ names: Hannah, Frances, Anna.

      I feel like you can’t go wrong with any Catherine variant.

      No: Eula-rose

      1. Yes – kindergarten this year includes a Katherine, Catherine, Lillian, Violet, Frances and Agnes. In JK there is a Millicent and a Marian. I love them all.

          1. My daughter had a Millicent in her preschool class – nickname was Milly. Super cute.

    3. if you want something that stands out more now, avoid anything that ends in -a or -ia lol. Eleanor or Elinor? Quinn? Greer?

    5. It seems like a lot of “uncommon” names are becoming popular now, like Maeve, Anya, Hazel, Isla, Freya, etc. I’m also pregnant and see a lot of people favoring grandma-like names. More classic girl names I like are Anna, Claire, Abigail, Elizabeth, Caroline. I think the book The Baby Name Wizard has some pretty solid lists in it if you need inspiration.

      3. My list was all classic girl names (I wanted one that was unquestionable female): Anna, Claire/Clara, Elizabeth/Eliza, Catherine, Julia, Caroline, Emily.

    6. When I was pregnant last year before we found out we were having a boy, my short list for girl names included: Adeline, Alexa, Quinn, and Tess.

      Not sure if any of these are to your taste, but I considered them not too outside the box, but also not incredibly common.

      2. My daughter’s middle name is Adeline. It’s pretty similar to my first name, so it would have felt weird or overly matchy to give her that as a first name, but I love the name. I think it’s becoming pretty trendy though. We know several Adelines/Adalynns.

    7. Alice Faye (I suggested that name to some young friends a few years ago and they actually went with it! So fun!!)

    8. Despite having an uncommon name, I like very traditional as well. I am grateful my mother gave “Emily” to my sister and not me! I also strongly prefer to avoid names that could be a nickname for another name.

      Here’s a few I like: Ruth, Helen, Anne, Meredith, Hazel, Olive, Virginia, Rosemary, Mary, Lydia, Abigail, Alice, Maeve, Willow, June, Penelope, Margaret, Esther, Millicent, Laurel, Claudia, Evelyn, Deborah, Judith, Leah, Miriam, Martha, Naomi, Susannah

      Too Christian/early american for my Jewish spouse to ever use: Charity, Faith, Christine, Christopher, Felicity, Mercy, Constance, Patience, Prudence

      A few that I love but that are “Jessica level” popular either right now or recently: Elizabeth, Charlotte, Eleanor/Eloise (aaallll the Ellies rn), Catherine, Sarah, Rachel, Rebecca, Amelia, Caroline, Avery, Emma/Emily, Sophia, Victoria, Chloe, Lilith/Lily

      P.S. I’m secretly tempted to bring Barbara, Nancy, or Vivian back! Good idea or bad?

      1. Barbara and Vivian are currently in their 90s (Vivian maybe a little older), so I think that would be okay. But one of the most famous recent Barbaras is Barbara Bush so that may or may not be a dealbreaker. (See also, Barbara Walters.)

        Nancy is in her 60s so it might be a little soon. (But see Nancy Wilson and Nancy Sinatra, who are both awesome.)

        2. I love Vivian and the other historically unisex names, like Evelyn, Hilary, Leslie, Cameron and Ashley.

      3. Do it! There aren’t that many young kids named Vivian, and if you look at the charts over time, it was a relatively popular name in the 1920s. Also the. nicknames for Barbara are a little bit ugh – Barb and Barbie.

    9. A few that were on our list: Melanie, Camille, Caroline, Marissa, Julia, Violet, Eloise, Piper, Valerie, Lydia.

      1. I grew up with a Lydia and she could not escape the “Chlamydia Lydia” nickname in high school. It was awful.

    11. If I were going to have more children, which I’m not, I’d make room for an Iris and and Ivy.

    12. Evangeline, Vivian, Grace, Charlotte, Annabelle, Georgina and Sutton. Congratulations.

      1. Johanna / Joanna – and it rhymes with banana! Super cute. Love it and I know of none in my kids’ elementary schools.

          2. I’m all over this thread (babies on the brain), but I LOVE slightly androgynous nicknames for little girls.

          1. Mine is Hannah. As in Hannah banana. She embraced it at age 5 and went by “H.B.” For a while :)

    14. The nice thing is now that people are becoming more and more adventurous with their name choices, so even the number one name for a given year won’t be as common as it was back in our day (so less likely you’ll have two or three Nora’s in a class the way we did with Sarahs and Ashleys).

      3. I feel like I’ve already seen people complaining about how they though Maeve was such a special and unique name and how bummed they are that it’s turned out to be popular. I think Nora and a lot of these other names are making their way around, too.

        1. Right, but there aren’t nearly as many Noras in a class as there were Sarahs. It’s not that the name is rare, just that it’s not quite as bad as back in our day. That said, we know of two Mavericks and it kind of cracks me up that a name that’s supposed to be all about standing out from the crowd has become so common!

          1. Oh Michaels. There were so many Michaels in college in the late 90s that we called them exclusively by their last names.

          2. Right?! In college, one of my friends always called a guy Mike if she couldn’t remember his name. That was mid/late 90’s. Now the dads are all Josh and the moms Jessica.

    15. What about Cecilia or Julianne? Less common than Olivia or Sophia for sure, but still along the trend of having their grandmothers or great-grandmothers’ name.

    16. Vivian, Beatrice, Pearl, Margaret, Liesel, Rosalind, Rose, Jane, Evelyn. Yes, I like really, really old-fashioned names. None of these are family names, all of my deceased relatives had names like Helen and Desdemona and Rita Sue.

        1. The thing in my family is that all of the Helens *hated* being named Helen. Big Helen and Little Helen tolerated their names, but my grandmother was always called Jimmy because she hated the name Helen and her big brother had wanted a little brother. So he called the baby Jimmy and it stuck.

          1. Now to be fair, I would NOT want to have to be “Big Helen” ;)

            And your poor grandmother! I just said upthread I love boyish/androgynous nicknames for little girls but Jimmy might be too far. My own grandmother was given a traditional boy’s name with an “e” on the end (think: Edmunde) and hated it her whole life.

          2. Big Helen was Little Helen’s mother, so I feel like Big Helen kind of asked for the nickname. Jimmy was one of those dotty old white-haired ladies who was always calling everyone dear during c*cktail hour and smiling a lot, so it didn’t come off as a masculine nickname. She had drinks every day at 4pm, and lived to be 104!

    17. I’m digging names that you can “dress up or down” like Katarina. Go by Kat or Rina, go by the whole thing, it’s flexibility galore. Elizabeth is also in that genre.

      1. I would have named my baby Elizabeth if she’d been a girl, even though it was SUPER popular at the time.

        Another is Margaret: Maggie, Meg, Marge, Margie (hard or soft G), Peggy, Peg, Daisy, etc.

        1. SA are there other multi-faceted names like this you can think of? I always think of Catherine (Cat, Cathy), Charlotte (Lottie, Lettie, Cece, Cat) and Margaret and Elizabeth like you mentioned, but not sure what else is so versatile!

          1. Mary and Sarah have more nicknames than you think: Molly, Maisie, Sally, Sadie… all kind of old-fashioned, but they are options.

        2. Matilda? I recently learned that the nickname for Matilda is Maud/Maude in Europe, could also shorten to Mattie or Tilda.

        3. I have a Margaret (Molly), Katherine (Kate) and Elizabeth (full name but when we get lazy it’s Lizzie or Ellie). I went for long names that have a zillion options they can choose from as they age.

      1. Haha no I’m sorry if you have a child named Madison but if is neither an old fashioned name nor uncommon. It’s one of the most popular names out there.

        1. There’s an article about how Madison was rarely used as a first name, certainly not for females, until it was popularized by Daryl Hannah’s mermaid character in “Splash”

    19. I loved Talia and Elianna, but we couldn’t use the former because of a family member with a similar name (goes against cultural tradition) and couldn’t get my husband on board with the latter. I also have a really unusual name and hated having it mispronounced all the time, so I liked the idea of a really simple name no one would ever mispronounce. We went with one of the super common Sophia/Olivia/Emma names that have been very popular for around a decade now, but surprisingly my daughter (now almost 5) has yet to share a class with a girl who has her name. In general I think people are going with more unique names now so even the “common” names aren’t actually that common.

    20. Martha, Margaret, Hope, Grace, Mary, Ray (like Ray Eames). I have a young daughter and feel your pain!

    21. I love thinking about names! Here’s my favs right now:
      Ruth
      Flynn
      Bonnie (hence my name here :))
      Stevie (nn, maybe Stevana for the whole name)
      Theodora/nn Thea or Teddy

    22. No one mentioned this yet, so I will share my favorite middle name for a girl–Pauline. I am coming around to liking it (or Paulina) as a first name.

      1. Reminds me of Dear Abby and her sister Ann Landers: Esther Pauline and Pauline Esther.

    23. Check out the most common names list on the Social Security website and use at your own peril if you are trying to avoid a name that is currently trendy.

    24. I like classic names.

      Antonia
      Allegra
      Beatrice
      Catherine
      Emma, Emily, Emilia
      Tara
      Isabel(la)
      Helena
      Margaret , Margot

      Some Shakespeare derived ones are pretty too:
      Juliet
      Rosalind
      Viola
      Olivia

  22. Natalie is one of my favorites that does not seem very common. Clara? I put a question mark because we named our puppy Clara, and our friend “ stole” it for her baby as she thought it seems less ubiquitous than Claire.

    Congratulations, in any event!

    1. Natalie is one of my favorites that does not seem very common. Clara? I put a question mark because we named our puppy Clara, and our friend “ stole” it for her baby as she thought it seems less ubiquitous than Claire.

      Congratulations, in any event!

      2. You’d be surprised what people will say about a name. I named my daughter Charlotte, which is both classic and popular, so I thought I would avoid negative comments. I got a lot of… “wow hmm that’s different.” (In my family “different” means odd in a bad way.) And one “did you name her after the spider?” People are rude.

        1. I wouldn’t interpret the spider comment as rude, although it’s kind of a weird thing to say given how many other famous Charlottes there are. But it’s a beloved book for a lot of people, they probably didn’t mean it in a negative way.

        2. That’s weird, I love the name Charlotte! We’re kid free by choice but I love names and Charlotte/nn Charlie is in my top five fav names for sure.

    2. Lol I had a friend steal my dog’s name too…. But then she suggested I change my dog’s name, nope not how this works.

    3. My daughter is a Claire and I was surprised that she is not the only one in her class! FWIW half the adults she meets call her Clara, so YMMV with that as a “less common” version.

      1. I also have a Claire! She doesn’t get Clara much, but I’m surprised by how often someone spells her name Clare. Claire is … pretty standard?

      2. My Claire is 35, so before the name became much more popular. I said I wanted a name serious enough to befit a Supreme Court Justice. :) She didn’t turn out to be a lawyer, but I think she has appreciated the relatively few Claires in her age group.

        1. And on a giant tangent, how did Mrs. Hand know to name her sweet baby boy “Learned?”

  23. Tip regarding takeout food. Many of you may already know this but I didn’t.

    I ordered a medium pizza delivered last week from a place my family has always ordered from and it ended up being $40 with tax and delivery charges and tip. For a single medium pizza. Their menu online redirects to one of the delivery apps. I thought they’d just raised their prices due to inflation etc.

    Last night my husband and I were in the neighborhood of this pizza place so we went there in person to pick up takeout. It was under $20 for the same pizza. We were considering ordering ahead, and using their website to order ahead once again redirected to the delivery app (but with a pickup option) and the price online for the same pizza was around $30.

    I realized the delivery apps were taking some sort of commission from the restaurants in addition to delivery fees but I didn’t realize they were also marking up menu prices as much as 50%. What a scam.

    We will be picking up without the order ahead option from now on, and at least we can leave a good cash tip in person for the staff actually working there.

    1. Yep, this is why I prefer to call in with my order over the phone and do my own pickup so I know my money is actually going to the local restaurant, especially if it’s a mom and pop place.

    2. FYI if the price is higher on the delivery apps, it’s because the restaurant chose to do that (probably to recoup the commission). Most delivery apps require (but don’t enforce) that restaurants have the same price in-store vs on their app.

      1. Yes this was my learning experience. Even if the restaurant directs you to an app, don’t use it and don’t believe it.

      2. This exactly, which is why I don’t mind paying higher prices (in addition to the fee) if I really want delivery. I want the restaurant to still make money. I also want them to use the apps so I can get delivery. I’m cool with paying the actual price of the convenience I’m purchasing, I don’t want the restaurant to defray some of that cost.

        1. I think the restaurant workers should get paid. I think the delivery persons should get paid. But that 50% markup is going to the delivery app corp, not to the restaurant workers or drivers.

    3. This always happens. I’ll place all my items in the cart go to check out and you have additional fees that add up to $10 plus tipping the delivery person and it’s $15 more not to mention the price on the app is higher than the price on the restaurant menu. You’re paying for the convenience of the app. Sometimes I try to pick up the food and it brings the costs way down.

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