Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Object of Affection Silk Button-Front Shirt

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A woman wearing a blue turquoise blouse and denim pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’m just swooning over the color of this silk button-front shirt from TWP. It’s a perfect summer-to-fall transition piece. Pair it with some white pants and fun jewelry for a late summer look, and switch to navy and black when fall comes around. (Or, just stick with black all year-round. New Yorkers, I see you.)

The top is $495 and comes in sizes XS–XL.

A few more affordable options are from Quince (XS–XL; $69.90), Vince (1X–3X; on sale for $209.99+), and Everlane (00–16; $150).

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

361 Comments

  1. Elizabeth, I totally LOVE real silk blouses like these, and at $495, it really is not that expensive, as real fabrics are prefereable to rayon and polyester, which makes me smell funny if I wear any kind of perfume. FOOEY!

    I have a question for the HIVE: Does anyone know who my freind Myrna can go to to complain about a guy in her neighborhood who makes disgusting clicking sounds with his mouth when she joggs by every morning? She figures he lives in the neighborhood, but is usually outside the Chase Bank where people go to the ATM 24/7. She thinks he is looking to panhandle people, but she just joggs by early everyday, but he is ALWAYS there and she thinks he could be a potenial danger to other women.

    He hasn’t done anything to her, but she thinks she should NOT have to wait to complain, but is it a Chase Bank issue, since he is in front of their Bank, or is it a police matter, which it could be only after he does something. But the gross clicking noises he makes with his mouth is what she thinks should make it reportable. I don’t think so, but am asking the HIVE in case it is an actionable matter. PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

  2. Audiobook recommendations? I’ll be doing hours and hours of driving by myself in August and would like something to pass the time. I’ve never listened to an audiobook! I like politics and American history, but I’d gladly listen to anything if it’s engrossing. (I really enjoyed the NPR long-form podcast on phonics, Sold a Story, recommended here a few months ago.)

    1. The Warmth of Other Suns would be perfect for a long drive. It tells the stories of Black migrants moving North and is written in the most compelling, almost novelistic way. I listened to it on audio and the narration was amazing.
      Novel wise, I really loved A Burning, it was told in 3 perspectives and each had a different voice actor.

      1. I read the Warmth of Other Suns so I can’t comment on the audio, but it is AMAZING.

    2. I listened to Matthew McConaughey’s book “Greenlights”. He narrated it himself. If you want something kind of light hearted and entertaining, I would recommend it for a road trip.

      1. +1 for this. It’s so good.

        I also loved The Dutch House (Ann Patchett) narrated by Tom Hanks. Just started listening to Demon Copperhead by my favorite author Barbara Kingsolver but had to pause because there’s some DV that was hard for me to listen to.

        Also highly recommend Tina Fey’s Bossypants as an audiobook.

    3. I recently finished “Money: The True Story Of A Made Up Thing” on Audible and it is excellent! The author is Jacob Goldstein from the Planet Money podcast & he reads the audible version, so it’s basically one really long Planet Money podcast & super engaging. I learned a ton of new things.

      Also it’s old but if you haven’t read Bad Blood about Elizabeth Holmes/Theranos, I loved that book as well. Tons of info that the podcasts & news articles didn’t dive into.

    4. I really enjoyed The Guernsey Literary and Potatoe Peel Pie Society. It’s an epistolary novel and in the audiobook all the letterwriters are voiced by different actors.

    5. I really liked listening to Kal Penn’s memoir- You Can’t Be Serious. A little bit of Hollywood, a little bit of Obama administration.

    6. This is my evergreen post to get your audiobooks for free on Libby, the app that connects to your public library card.

    7. White Noise is surprisingly good as an audiobook
      I enjoyed Dark Money also
      from a romance perspective Jennifer Crusie books are great audiobooks because there aren’t too many bedroom scenes, just a lot of snappy dialog with likeable characters. The historical “A Carribbean Heiress in Paris” was amazing as an audiobook because the narrator was exceptionally talented; I loved hearing her do all of the different accents involved.

  3. IMO shiny fabric is an evening look. Or it was in 2019. In 2023, I get what is inappropriate but have lost touch with what is ideal (eg is a female client and I are both WFH one day and meet for lunch in the suburbs, there is no telling what you should wear; my MO is usually to possibly be going into the office to sign something so I may be a bit plain but less informal but clients can dress however they want, usually Athleta and I’m even seeing shorts on male clients now).

    1. Shiny fabric is everywhere right now – Old Navy, of all places, has some satin blouses that look like work silhouettes to me.

      1. I just bought one of these yesterday—it’s a perfect summer-to-fall shape and should be easy to layer

    2. Well for starters this isn’t an evening look so you can let that worry go. Black pants and a blouse still works as does a dress.

    3. This blouse has been work appropriate for my entire 20+ year career. It’s straight out of the wardrobe for the Vera Farmiga character in Up in the Air.

    4. A shiny silk blouse in this silhouette is not inappropriate for a day at the office. Athleta, well, . . It’s going to reaaaallly depend. And I hear you that dudes are wearing shorts, but what is appropriate does not equal what you can get away with.

    5. I have the same instinct but I know I’m wrong.

      I really don’t like it styled with the blue denim, though.

          1. Yeah I like the idea of that combo much better than the white. But I don’t like to bisect myself.

    6. I wore satin to my job in the 1990s and I’m sure I wasn’t the only one. It’s what was available, before we got to the minimalist late 90s.

    7. Satin blouses come and go in popularity for workwear. To me they look horribly old fashioned. It’s what my mother wanted me to wear to college interviews ca 2000. I guess everything comes back.

  4. Evil Under the Sun is one of my favorite movies ever (the 1982 version, with Maggie Smith and Diana Rigg). Mainly because of the delicious Cole Porter soundtrack. BUT, I did not know until just now that the late Jane Birkin is in it. Like I thought she was French and just worked in that language (but she was born in England). It is a magnificent movie — highly recommend as a way to justify staying inside in the A/C to beat the heat. RIP Jane — you were great in this.

    1. Were you reading Friday’s Fugs & Pieces comments too? Someone mentioned a scene in that movie with Jane Birkin and their comment was so beguiling that I went ahead and requested the movie from my library. Very excited!

  5. Does anyone use Revitalash or Revitabrow? I bought the dual set from the Nordstrom anniversary sale, and I’m feeling a bit of buyer’s remorse/concern about some of the side effects I’m reading about. Has anyone had problems with either of these products?

    1. Yes, very happy with the results. Only side effect is my skin just at the lash line is slightly darkened but I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who could tell.

    2. I use the brow one and it’s made my brows significantly thicker. I started dying them with Just for Men beard dye and they look fantastic.

  6. Reposting from yesterday-WWYD? I’m a safe driver in the sense of haven ever gotten into an accident, but am an almost 40-year-old, short (5’0) woman w/ inattentive ADHD who is prone to singing my car (think bumping things when backing into parking spots/pulling out of tight spots or garages.) I have a 2017 Toyota that does have a backup camera, but I truthfully haven’t adjusted to using it as that wasn’t how I learned to drive.

    My questions are:
    -What’s your approach to bodywork? Do you fix cosmetic dents/scrapes or let them be? If so, do you use insurance or pay out of pocket?

    -Do newer vehicles and/or add-on backup cameras come with more alerts when you’re close to hitting something? I don’t see this getting better as I age so am trying to be proactive.

    1. My husband had a backup camera that IMO was too alert-y. Like if you are in a tight situation, the exact thing a backup camera is good for, all sorts of alerts go off to say that you are very close to things. Of course you are! Stop distracting me though so I can navigate through this.

      For fixing, are things crumpled? Structurally sound? I have a black car, so I have used that on purely cosmetic scuffs. Someone opened a car door into mine, likely in the work parking garage, and dinged it recently and I probably won’t do anything about that (older car though). In a city, a perfect car is a burden but I would fix anything that could lead to rust developing or could be rough to scrape against.

    2. I live right outside of NYC and have a 2012 Honda. Think urban area where no matter how careful you are, some young kid is going to hit it while attempting to parallel park. It’s not uncommon for someone car to get swiped by a truck that can’t handle the smaller streets with cars parked on both sides. I’ve seen cars get their side mirrors ripped off. If I cared about every paint scratch or ding on my car, I don’t think I could live where I do.

    3. We street park our car in Philly and don’t sweat little nicks or scrapes. People ding you when parking, a snowplow scuffs it, etc. We did buy a can of automotive spray paint for anything deep enough to risk rust.

      Backup cameras bleep at you in nervewracking “the bomb is about to explode” beepbeepbeepBeepBEEEEEEEEP as you approach something, which annoys me, but the view is good!

    4. You need to acknowledge that you are not a good driver. For starters. Yes, a backup camera and alerts help. I would also take driving lessons. As for being short this should not make any difference if you are appropriately positioned in the car and using your tools correctly.

      1. There’s something to this. Driving lessons or not, people with ADHD have statistically lower life expectancy from traffic mortality (attention actually matters quite a lot when driving!). And while medication alleviates this risk in men, for some reason, it doesn’t work as well in women.

      2. + 1. I’m sorry, but if you are often backing into things, you are not a good driver. You have just been lucky that it has not (yet) been another car or a person. You need to learn to use the backup camera. If you can’t do that on your own, take a class.

      3. Yes, agreed. You say that you have never gotten into accidents in the same sentence you imply that you (routinely?) bump into stationary objects. Those are accidents and everything you just described indicates that you are very much not a safe driver.

      4. OP here-I don’t speed, text or talk on a cell phone while driving and have never gotten into any sort of accident, minor or major. So while I acknowledge that having ADHD doesn’t help me as a driver, I’d say that overall I’m a safe driver despite having poor spatial awareness.

        1. Saying you don’t speed, text or talk on the phone while driving just means that you don’t break the law while driving, it doesn’t make you a good driver. Having poor spatial awareness unfortunately does mean you are a poor driver (said as someone who also has poor spatial awareness). A huge part of driving safely is understanding where other objects are in relation to you. I agree with the commenters above, I think you need to acknowledge this first.

        2. Spatial awareness is a huge part of driving!!! If you are regularly tapping other objects you are getting into accidents, they just happen to be with inanimate objects rather than cars or heaven forbid people.

          1. +1

            Honestly, you sound like my elderly relative making excuses. But we never see ourselves clearly do we ;)

            You are not a safe driver. Spatial awareness is one of the most important aspects of being a safe driver.

            The fact that you posted though shows some self-awareness, although now you are trying to backpedal. The answer is so simple, why are you fighting us?

          2. She might be defending herself because we’ve had a few people here insinuate that she is Jeffrey Dahmer or Pol Pot for continuing to drive when she’s bumped into a couple of things. The reactions have been pretty OTT, in my opinion. Ask me how I know some of y’all rarely leave your houses, lmao. If you think someone occasionally tapping their bumper when they back out is unconscionably bad driving, please don’t ever come to my city. I agree OP should work on her driving skills but telling her she should basically never get behind the wheel of a car again and if she does she’s a murderer is a little much.

      5. Being short shouldn’t make you a worse driver if you bought a car with good visibility. But if the airbag goes off you’re more likely to get injured since you sit closer to the steering wheel.

        I live in a big city so I leave cosmetic dings and scrapes alone. It would be like playing whack a mole trying to keep my car perfect.

        If you’re easily distracted then stop listening to music and singing. I look out my rear windows before moving into reverse but yes you should use your backup camera and slow down!

        1. I am short with a short torso, so I sit really low in my car. Are you adjusting your mirrors? Maybe have a friend walk around your car to simulate something approaching from the side/rear on either side and see if the mirrors need to be re-aimed. IMO a backup camera just widens your full-on rear field of vision but you still need to check your mirrors. And you shouldn’t be hitting stationery objects!

      6. All of this. It’s just not safe to be bumping into a lot of things. You need to learn how to use the tools that are available to you, or stop driving. You arent a safe driver, you are a lucky driver.

        (I know someone with ADHD that does not drive. That is an option.)

        1. We really need more subpar drivers to admit it.

          I have ADHD which affects focus and reaction times, as well as impaired spatial perception (all confirmed on relevant neurological testing). I had to be honest with myself that those little mistakes I made were only not major accidents because I’d gotten lucky so far! I keep my driving license active for some outlier situation where it might be safer to drive than not to, but I moved to a walkable neighborhood in a city with public transportation and spend a lot of money on Lyft.

      7. Bare minimum, turn off the music when you’re parking. Take a deep breath before making the turn.

        You don’t say which Toyota you have. Is it a Sequoia or something and you actually need a smaller car?

      8. Being short does matter some. The sight lines in cars are designed for the ”average” driver, and as a fellow short person, it’s gotten a lot harder to see in newer cars, as safety regulations have led to thicker pillars that block a lot of your view. It’s a lot worse from where I sit than where my husband sits in the same car. We tried dozens of cars and I had the same problem in all of them, so it’s not model specific and the backup camera only helps with the reverse part, not the front and sides.

        1. Visibility is a huge issue for both me (5’6” with short legs and a long torso so I have to sit too close to the steering wheel) and my daughter (5’3”, average proportions). It’s worse on newer cars because the windows don’t come down as far now that all cars are designed to look like cheap spaceships from a B movie. I also think the manufacturers don’t care as much about visibility now that all cars have backup cameras and lane change alerts, but those are not good substitutes for actually being able to see.

      9. This post reminded me of the little saying that almost everyone thinks they’re better drivers than average, when that’s statistically impossible. I remind myself of that when I find myself getting complacent about driving or doing something else that could be dangerous and requires a lot of attention.

        1. I consider myself a decent, cautious driver and I still really benefitted from a defensive driving class offered by my work. Seconding that recommendation to OP.

        2. Theoretically, the average driver (median) gets into a below-average (mean) number of accidents. A few very terrible drivers account for most of the reported accidents.

          1. Sounds like it would make a huge difference to get terrible drivers off the roads.

    5. Yes, newer cars have better alerts and backup cameras.
      I don’t fix door dings but I do fix dents. I have some pride in what I drive around in.

    6. My 2011 car had a backup camera that would beep increasingly loudly as you were getting close to things. Check your manual — you probably have the sound option turned off. My husband turned it off on our 2021 Honda.

      We had a few major scratches from an unfortunately tight/angled garage situation and my lack of parking skills so we got it all fixed. Did not use insurance. For minor scratches and bumps, I wouldn’t bother. What helped with the parking in this PIA garage is that every time before pulling in or out I stop, take a couple of deep breaths, and explicitly focus my mind on parking and nothing else. I turn off music and my kid knows to not talk to me for those 45 seconds. I’m much less likely to miss things this way and haven’t had as many issues. All my scratches before happened when I was in a rush and thinking about something else.

      1. Same. I suggested lessons above because I took them and these were some of the tips! My phone is out of site, if it is connected to maps in the car it’s still not with in reach. When I get in my routine involves my seatbelt, Obvi, and then spending a few breaths thinking through where I am going and focusing on driving.

    7. You are not a great driver. You know that. You need to be more attentive when you drive. You should not be singing while you are driving. You need to pay attention. Listen to a different type of music in the car that is relaxing/soothing, not distracting. So no music with words.

      Driving is the most dangerous thing you do every day. We forget this because the news does not report all of the thousands of serious accidents and deaths due to driving every day. Next time you back up inattentively you could run into a child – not a sign. You have been very lucky so far.

      Take some more driving lessons to learn how to better use your back-up camera.
      Get your eyes checked.
      Change the radio station.
      Never talk on the phone in the car – even hands free.
      Don’t eat while you are driving.

      Do not buy a newer vehicle. This is a you problem. Not a car problem.

      1. This is spot-on. Given your challenges, when you are driving, the only thing you should be doing is driving. Not singing, snacking, fiddling with the radio, etc.

        1. It might be spot on if the “singing” weren’t an overlooked typo for “dinging” in the OP, which it clearly is.

      2. Reducing the amount you drive is likely also an option, and a valid one. Figure out your city’s public transit. Get a bike or an ebike.
        Your present driving behavior is putting other people in danger and that’s not cool.
        Signed,
        Been hit twice by people who didn’t notice a cyclist in the bike lane.

        1. Actually, my guess is that DRIVING isn’t the problem — moving in one direction, especially on a limited-access highway, is usually pretty safe. Neighborhood streets, with pedestrians, car doors opening, kids on bikes, etc. are much more dangerous. This driver may also have a problem with parking (in which case, small cars are much easier to park). IMO, parallel parking is a surmountable challenge, and a smaller car will help. But if you are in pull-in, back-out parking and are hitting things please go to driving school where they can help you improve on this. JUST drive when you are driving and be doubly-focused when parking.

          1. She is not good at piloting a piece of heavy equipment and that endangers others. In my warehouse jobs, a forklift operator who repeatedly knocked into things would be demoted or out of a job, with good reason. Motorists have no such repercussions.
            We need more robust public transportation so people who shouldn’t be operating a vehicle, like the OP, don’t feel pressure to do so in order to be a fully functional member of society. She is putting people in danger. The bar for a drivers’ license in the US is dangerously low.

          2. Your post is…. kind of ridiculous.

            Driving encompasses all of the things you list. We don’t drive on a deserted highway with perfect weather no other cars or transient obstructions forever with unlimited energy/attention/perfect vision. Being attentive at all times, with good spatial senses and quick reaction times and coordination, and good judgement is what makes a good driver. And being free from distraction. And being lucky. Remember – you can’t control all of the people/drivers around you. So you must be attentive and ready for anything.

            The OP has already admitted she has poor spatial sense, variable attention, and questionable judgment.

      3. I’ll disagree on a new car. Figure out what you can drive best, for some that might be a small car, for others it might be an SUV. There’s a lot to be said for driving something that naturally helps you fit the car. I like boxier, smaller cars, for example. And newer will have better safety features too, depending on how much newer.

    8. I’m 5’0″ also. I got a ComfiLife cushion for my car. It lifts me up a bit and helps me see better.

      I have a 2011 Accord. It’s got some minor scrapes, but I don’t bother getting them fixed. Body work is expensive an I’m not making a claim on my insurance for that. Just last week an inattentive teen driver hit the rear driver’s side of my car and the estimate to get it fixed is around 7K. They were at fault so thankfully it won’t hit my insurance.

      My rental car has a backup camera, but I’m still used to looking back instead of using it. I think the camera would help when I’m in a tight spot and need to see how much room I have behind me.

    9. From your own description here you actually have gotten into accidents. You have thankfully avoided any with serious consequences so far and it’s good that you are aware of this weakness, but it also is concerning that you seem to think that backing into things this often is a minor inconvenience and not a tragedy waiting to happen.

      1. OP here. Thanks for the perspective. I guess in all instances I have seen the object (fence, tree) but have just misjudged how far away it is and even a slight two has resulted in a dent. But will take everyone’s feedback that perhaps a driving lesson refresher or some other corrective measure is in order. FWIW, I am an anxious/cautious driver, so I don’t speed, talk on a phone or text while driving, eat or anything like that. I always check my blind spot when merging etc.

        1. Please don’t take this harshly. It’s not normal to be bumping cars when you park. I’m glad you’re asking questions and seeking to work to address it. I feel like you’re thinking accidents only happen to people driving irresponsibly (texting, speeding, etc), who are maybe “asking for it”, but it’s happening to you too. Any accident is just that, accidental. Little dings can add up and eventually you could crack someone’s bumper or cause more serious body damage. I’ve twice had my side mirror swiped off living in a city, which is frustrating, but probably something those drivers didn’t take seriously (or perhaps even notice).

        2. OP, you might actually just have poor depth perception, since it sounds like most of your problems involve parking and things at close distance, which is where depth perception matters most. This can be caused be several binocular vision disorders, but unless it’s severe enough to cause your eyes to be visibly misaligned, it’s probably not easily treatable and you just have to figure out how to deal with it. The back up camera can help if it has a line that shows you where you should stop. Otherwise, avoid tight parking places and drive with extreme caution when you are backing out of a spot.

        3. A backup camera does not provide good perspective on distances, although it does have lines to tell you how far away the object is. Do you by any chance have “monovision” contacts (one for distance and one for reading)? Some optometrists will prescribe them without even explaining that this is what they are doing. They can really mess up your depth perception.

    10. My 2018 Toyota has a thousand and one loud, annoying pre-collision, backup, rear cross-traffic, parking assist, and proximity sensor warning beeps available to turn on. It also has a thing where if it senses something close enough while I am backing up, it will slam the brakes on and not allow me to hit it (I have to turn it off due to my trailer hitch accessories, or I cannot back up at all).

      Have you checked your owners manual to see what options your vehicle has and then made sure they are all on?

      As for bodywork, I don’t fix minor cosmetic dings and would only use insurance for something major. I cannot imagine how much my rates would be if I tried to get insurance to cover every cosmetic dent or scrape that didn’t result in another vehicle getting ticketed. On my ugly older vehicle (which is black), I have a can of oil-based black tractor paint that I use to touch up scratches that could turn into rust. My Toyota has fiberglass door panels and bumpers, so no rust to worry about there. I might consider getting the hood and roof repainted if there were damage that could result in rust, but would pay out of pocket if it was just accumulated wear.

    11. So this year I bought a 2019 Lexus NX300 and it has front, side and back sensors that alert me when I am getting too close to objects, along with a wide-angle backup camera. It also has front and back “parking assist” which brake the car for me if I am in danger of hitting an object, in front or reverse. The self-braking has taken some getting used to, but now that I have driven a lot with the sensors, the camera and the parking assist (along with the radar-enabled cruise control, which keeps me at a safe distance from other cars automatically when cruise control is on), I don’t know if I could go back to driving without them. I have some problems with range-of-motion in my neck – it’s typical middle-age arthritis-type problems, and I have seen a doctor about it and done PT, but I was in a bad car accident as a teenager and there’s some residual damage from that that likely isn’t getting better at this point. The sensors mean that I no longer have to worry if someone is in my blind spot (which is larger because I can’t turn my neck as far as I used to) as I try to change lanes on the freeway. The backup camera helps me be confident I am not going to reverse into my driveway out of my garage just as the kid down the street rockets down the sidewalk on his bike. I previously had a 2011 Hyundai Sonata, base model, that didn’t have any of this stuff and I gotta say – all this new sensor/camera technology is pretty great. This may be a problem you can solve by throwing some money at it (in the form of buying a newer car) and having done that myself, I would recommend that approach. P.S., my used Lexus was only $30k. So you can get the new tech without spending a fortune/having a $1000 per month car payment.

      1. +1 on a new car with all the alerts bells and whistles. It turns out I am not such a good driver, either, and I LOVE my Subaru Cross-Trek, which I bought in 2020 (luckily). The reverse-gear camera has been a game-changer, as it shows how close I am to objects behind me with green, then yellow, then red lines. It also has alerts to traffic crossing behind me when I am backing into a street, for example, and lateral traffic, too. The variable speed cruise control is fantastic, too, allowing me to take my foot off the accelerator during highway traffic, reducing the fatigue of long-distance road trips. I get great use out of the rear camera — you might like to test drive a new or nearly-new car with a rear camera.

    12. You are getting into accidents! As others have already pointed out and discussed in more detail, so I will only answer the ding question: no, I never get that stuff fixed. I view a car as a way for me to get from A to B and cosmetic imperfections do not rise to the level of things I care about.

    13. It’s not good to be bumping other cars! I bought cheap blind spot mirrors that I stuck onto the bottom corner of my car. Huge help when parallel parking or switching lanes.

      1. OP here-singing was a typo for singing in my original post. I’ve never bumped into another car. But again, o will take the feedback and consider remedial/defensive driving lessons, etc. Yes, I have been fortunate that the accidents have only involved objects within my sight lines and have resulted in minor dents to my vehicle. Not driving is unfortunately not an option and I will do my best to consider what can help me become a safer driver. I don’t sing etc while driving-that was a typo.

        1. Not driving is an option, and one you should look more closely at. From everything you’ve said, you’re a danger to others when you drive. What price should others pay for your convenience?

          1. The hysterical piling-on does not help, here. She isn’t going to stop driving (and quitting driving is absolutely not an option in most American cities) because you keep screaming at her. She’s gotten great, actionable suggestions (take a driving class; get a newer car with sensors and cameras) from folks here. Wailing at her to stop driving is not a helpful suggestion, and frankly, says way more about you than it does about her.

          1. Omg there are tons of bad drivers who speed, get into accidents, etc. it is a major inconvenience in some locations to not be able to drive. I don’t think OP has injured anyone or caused a major accident. It sounds like she’s prone to fender benders. Just stop piling up on posters!! It’s so ridiculous.

    14. I think you need a reality check. You are not a safe driver. It’s only a matter of time before you run over an animal or child or do significant damage to someone’s car in a parking lot. For context, I’m 48 years old and regularly park and drive in a major city. It has probably been 20+ years since I have bumped into anything with my car.

      Turn the radio off and focus. You make it sound like singing isn’t a choice. Consider what a realistic parking spot is for your car. Just because a space is open doesn’t mean it’s a good fit. Consider driving lessons to improve your parking skills.

      Practice using your cameras. You are 40 years old–using “that wasn’t how I learned” as an excuse needs to stop immediately. I learned to type on a typewriter–that doesn’t mean I didn’t adapt to using a computer. That is how silly you sound.

      Honestly, that you are so laissez-faire about not being able to control heavy machinery is disturbing.

      1. OP here-I don’t sing in the car. That was a typo and I meant to write “dinging.”

    15. I hope I’m not too late for you to see this! Given that you have ADHD, have you ever been checked for vertical heterophoria or another binocular vision disorder? They are highly correlated with ADHD and I wonder if that could be contributing to your difficulty with judging distances. Other symptoms can include headaches, neck pain, clumsiness, difficulty walking in a straight line, difficulty maintaining focus while reading, etc.

      1. OP here-thank you! This is extremely helpful feedback. I try my best to be a cautious driver and regret the typo in my original post that turned “dinging” to “singing.” My driving issues have been so far limited to spatial awareness/depth perception while parking or backing up, not with being inattentive or impulsive in terms of not seeing objects/people/pets etc. It’s been more if I think I have enough space but am off by an inch or two.

    16. I am also a short (5’2″) woman with ADHD who didn’t learn to use a back up camera while driving and still doesn’t have one. I “dinged” my car one time, and it was when I hoped I could fit through a gate to a parking lot (the gate was broken and only one side of the gate opened), I was impatient and hopped up on sugar, and I just went for it because I wanted to get home. That was dumb. Scratched the side of my car.). OP, you must train yourself to be overly cautious when you navigate tight spaces. By overly conservative, I mean erring on the side of caution when you make a move. Are you the sort of person who makes a 3 point turn and simply hopes you have enough space? Or will you make a 5 or 7 point turn to be on the safe side, if you’re even slightly unsure? You need to do the latter. If you think there’s three feet left, then you move two feet. If you’re not 110% sure you can make the turn out of the parking space without hitting something, you don’t make that move. Reposition your car and try again. You are either not paying enough attention, or, if you are, you struggle with depth perception. If it’s the former, you must simply require yourself to pay more attention and train yourself to be overly conservative. Convince yourself that the stakes are high–they are. Turn the music/radio off. Do not chew food. I *have* to turn my music down when I’m parking anywhere except my driveway/reserved office spot. The sound really is distracting. If it’s a depth perception issue, you need to understand that you cannot rely fully on your depth perception and must be conservative.

    17. When you’re bumping into these other cars and other people’s properties hard enough to ding your car, you’re also dinging theirs. Are you leaving a note and taking financial responsibility for doing so? If not, I have some harsh words for you.

      1. I’ve never hit anyone else’s car or property. Tapped a tree backing out a camping spot and the side of my own garage door. I would never damage someone else’s car/property and not take responsibility. For the commenter suggesting I just sit back and read at this point-I will do so but have felt compelled to point out the typo in my initially post as so much of the vitriol seemed directed towards my “singing” while driving instead of focusing.

        1. But you can still learn from what people said about singing, even if it doesn’t apply to you. You just need to figure out how to get yourself to focus better for your greatest chance of success. Maybe classical music in the background helps. Maybe popular music that might distract you — even if you aren’t singing — does distract you. We don’t know you and your ADHD. It’s just food for thought.

          Thanks for posting! Obviously it inspired a lot of input.

          1. Where did I say that? In my initial post I wrote, “bumping into things” meaning a tree, a parking barrier at the end of a spot-never someone else’s car or property. Anyway, logging off with all of the feedback.

    18. When we had 3 teen drivers we had occasional scrapes, etc. on bumpers or doors. Every couple of years, someone (including parents) would be involved in a minor fender bender (I was rear-ended) or there would be an act of God type thing like a tree branch landing on our car or a cooler that flew off of a pickup in front of us on the LIE and hit our car (true story). The minor scapes and dings were taken care of during the major repairs, usually at no additonal cost.

    19. you got a lot of feedback already, but yeah – parking in tight spots is not for you. I’m ADHD also and it’s ok to recognize limitations, it’s recognized as a disability for a reason. Don’t drive if it’s going to be difficult to park. Backing into parking spots is also maybe not for you.

      If it’s a fixed place like your own garage you can help with spatial awareness by hanging or positioning other things there so you know to “drive straight at the chair then swing when you get past the shelves.” but if the backup camera you’ve had for 6 years now isn’t helping you, you need to change your own actions.

  7. What are your retirement savings goals and/or goals for things like kids’ college savings, helping them with down payments on a house/wedding? I have two tweens and only have about $13,000 saved for each of them for college. Thinking I still need to be prioritizing retirement savings, though.

    1. My priority is retirement, then kids college. I have no intention of helping them with a down payment and any help with a wedding will only be if I have the money when they get married, it’s not a savings goal I have.

    2. Not saving for their weddings. Pandemic taught us a good lesson: simple weddings make you just as married.

      Saving just for college. If they can launch with no or minimal debt, they should be able to cover their housing cost.

      1. Yep. I’m a firm believer that weddings should be cash-flowed – as in, the cash that flows (from whenever you decide to start earmarking for it) dictates the size of the wedding.

      2. +1000. I was just telling my DH that my goal is to pay for college in full (private or state, whatever is the best fit for them); help with grad school if possible, and save up for at least some nominal help with a down payment (although the way it’s going now, houses in our VHCOL area in SoCal will be $4M+ by the time my toddler kids reach home-buying age). But I will not be saving for their weddings. If we have extra money, sure, but otherwise it’s not a priority at all (I had a courthouse wedding, so I know my viewpoint is skewed on this).

    3. Focusing on retirement savings and college. I just focus on putting away as much as I can and hope it works out. I’m not in a position to be saving more than the max 401k + max 529, but I think that’s plenty. My perspective is that after 18, I will help with college and give gifts to the best of my ability, but my kid is ultimately responsible for her own expenses.

        1. No. People usually say “max” when they mean they’re maxing a tax benefit. But there’s no limit to what you can contribute.

        2. There is often a limit for the state tax credit, but i don’t think there is an actual limit on the contributions.

        3. I mean max for tax breaks in my state– I know I could contribute more but that number works for my budget and it should be enough to pay full price for in-state public university.

          1. It varies based on what state your 529 is through and what state you pay taxes to. There is not one answer across the board.

    4. I work in the retirement field and frequently feel compelled to shout this from the rooftops: there are loans for college; there are no loans for retirement.

      Help kids with what you can and encourage them to get scholarships / go public / follow their dreams to plumbing school, etc.

      1. + a million. Me and my sibs chased every scholarship we could and still graduated with some debt, but seeing our parents comfortable in retirement is the BEST.

      2. Agreed. I have preschool/elementary aged kids but I prioritize retirement and only do the max for 529s that is tax advantaged ($4000 for each kid in my state). I could add more to the 529s without the tax benefit but I would rather save for retirement, and then assist with college if we can with current cash flow. I will let them know in high school how much we have saved and will help them navigate options. My husband and I each had almost no help from parents for college. That said, we are paying for private school for the kids, which should give them opportunities for admission to well ranked colleges if they choose. It is a faith-based school so that was a major part of our decision though and is less than $18K per year (in high school). I am not saving for their down payments or weddings. I have three boys. I’d imagine they — like most people these days — will get married later and will be able to pay for their weddings themselves, or have smaller weddings.

    5. Save as much as you can without depriving yourself. If it’s a choice between college, wedding, down payment and retirement, save for your retirement. Caring for elderly parents is really difficult emotionally and time consuming. I would hate to add significant financial stress on top of it. There are things your kids can do to make these other expenses more manageable like going to a public university or living with roommates to save for a down payment. Paying for your healthcare or nursing home would be very very difficult and if you have retirement savings left over, it would be a nice inheritance for your kids.

      1. This.

        My situation is a little unique because I expect a sizeable inheritance and my parents are giving us help with college, but currently we each max our 401k and don’t save any money for college. We contributed to a 529 when our child was younger and between principal and growth we have enough in there already for four years of public university. We expect my parents to cover the difference if our child gets into and wants to go to a selective private university, but in the event something happens and we don’t get the money we were expecting, they will be fine at the public school. Our own retirement savings are more important.

        1. +1 to this Anon, as I believe I’m in a similar position.

          Elder Millennial with baby boomer (and financially smart) parents who sit on mountains of money that I know will come to me. obviously, I’m not negating them living forever, losing all the money in healthcare/nursing homes, enjoying the heck out of their own retirements… but I prioritize saving for my own retirement like they did, and anticipate that for extra things in the future (kid stuff, weddings yadda yadda) they will be my sort of backfill funding.

      2. This is what I did and it worked out. I mostly cash-flowed my kid’s college because after years of paying for private school it was mostly already in the budget, and she went to community college and then a public university so it wasn’t breathtakingly expensive. She paid for her own grad school with the G.I. Bill.

        1. Oh, and because I prioritized retirement savings, those savings are big enough to help said kid with down payment/wedding/whatever as the need may arise in the future. But those were never separate savings goals. (Although I do have smallish account with the leftover college savings that use it for things like flying her here for the holidays and helping with moving expenses.)

    6. Prioritize retirement. Full stop.

      We max retirement everything, and then we contribute to 529s. In a perfect world we’d pay for the full cost of college, plus weddings and down payments (more than I ever got!) but the reality is that if we can fund retirement and part of college, we’ll feel like we’ve done more than our part. More important than weddings and the like is not leaving our kids with the burden of having to pay for us as we age, which is exactly what we’re dealing with with MIL right now and it’s the absolute pits.

    7. Forget about the wedding and down payment. Focus on retirement and college. When your kids hit high school tell them how much you have saved and help them research tuition costs, scholarships, and loans. I’m thinking of that poster a few weeks ago whose nephew didn’t find out there’s no money for college until after he sent his applications.

      1. This. One of my husband’s cousins found out AFTER going to orientation weekend for accepted students that her parents couldn’t give her any money for the ($$$) private school she’d planned to attend. I simply don’t understand the magical thinking that went on in the parents head there ‘maybe somehow the money will materialize as the date gets closer!

      2. I told my kids frequently as they were growing up that we would fund our state’s public college, room and board for four years. Anything private or out of state would have to be loans or scholarships. Same with grad school.

        I kept getting pushback from my daughter in particular that all of her friends’ parents said they could go wherever they wanted to go. I just assumed everyone else had more money or family money or something. But no, those kids are taking out giant loan packages now that they’re all in college. My daughter has now thanked me more than once for being straight with her. She just finished public college with no debt.

    8. max retirement accounts first (especially if there’s a match!!)
      next max 529s — if your tweens don’t have a lot if possible look into a super contribtion or whatever if possible, maybe with grandparents help?
      next HSAs if that’s an option

      i do contribute a little bit more to the kids’ 529s each month (one son has a STABLE account i’m throwing $75/month at in addition to his 529 (hope springs eternal), so I added another $75 monthly to my other son’s 529 on top of his max. we also have UTMA accounts for when the kids get money from grandparents ($1500ish a year). otherwise everything goes to family savings and we’ll figure out what we need it for when.

    9. We prioritize retirement savings and then college. We will not save for kids’ down payments or weddings. If we are able to do that out of funds in hand when the time comes, we will, but it’s not at all a savings goal.

    10. Trying to retire by age 55, and currently on track to meet this goal (which currently means maxing out each of our 401(k), each having a backdoor Roth, each fully funding an HSA and also putting some into separate investment accounts). College savings – goal is to cover 100% of the total cost (tuition, room and board) at a private, 4 year school (I only have 1 kid). It’s split between 529 and investment account to avoid overfunding the 529. This currently means saving $20,000 a year between the two accounts, but we’ve been working to do a little more than that to try and hit this goal early.

    11. Priority is retirement. I have 3 kids that are 5-10 and we have about $150k saved for them in 539s and another $250k in a money market account that is for college/weddings/grand vacations. We’ll continue to save and they get the help we can give them but we are for sure retiring on time and if they need help with college they can do loans. They may have some grandparent help but we aren’t assuming that.

    12. Retirement first, then college. My mother’s lack of retirement savings is a much bigger deal to me than not having money for college.

      When each kid hits 9th grade, sit them down and explain exactly how much you have saved for college. Discuss other options like scholarships, student loans. Look into your state’s options – community college? state schools? private schools with excellent scholarship programs?

    13. Retirement first – you cannot take out loans to retire; kids can take out loans to go to college if need be (although I know many of us, myself included, don’t want our kids to take out loans). Then college savings. One of the best gifts you can give to your kids, IMO, is the gift of not having to support you financially in your old age. My parents have given me that gift and I am really, really grateful.

      FYI, when our son was in middle school we had about $20k saved for his college. We both moved into higher-paying positions and rather than inflating our lifestyle, we funneled more money into retirement and college savings. When our son graduates next year we’ll have about $50k set aside for him and that should be enough to get him through 4 years at our in-state State U, which is where he’s planning to go. We made it clear to him early on as he started hearing people talk about college in school and elsewhere that there would be SOME money for him for college, but he would need to get scholarships and work, and that very expensive schools would only be reachable for him if he took out student loans, which we communicated were not a great idea, but doable if he wanted to do it. We want him to have skin in the game going to college – it’s something he has to work for, not something he is entitled to. Otherwise I don’t think kids take it as seriously, if they know Mom and Dad are footing the bill no matter what.

      We have not saved anything for our son’s wedding and do not plan to do so; we have a “sinking fund” we use for large expenses and I guess if it comes down to it, we could draw from that. But I had a small, inexpensive wedding and am still married 25 years later, and in general, do not believe in big, expensive weddings being a worthwhile expenditure. If the person my son ends up marrying wants a big wedding, I hope that person or their family has the finances to make that happen. Because our contribution to that will be de minimis, and I will also strongly encourage my son not to drain his savings or take on debt to make someone else’s dream of a fairytale wedding happen. We have a small family and friend circle, so his “side” at any future wedding would be comprised of maybe 20-30 people. So if someone wants a 400-person wedding, and 380 of those attendees will be from their side, I’d expect them to cover that expenditure. Not my circus; not my monkeys.

      As for helping with a house down payment – again, we’ll see what happens in the future. We received no help from our families with either of our house purchases (although we did have some money from an inheritance my husband received when his dad died). Our perspective is – we’re happy to help with some of his expenses when the time comes if we have the resources to do so. But we also want our son to understand that at a certain point, he will be a grown adult, and responsible for his own major purchases. There’s an undeniable sense of independence and pride that comes with buying a car, or a house, or paying for a wedding or vacation, on your own. I don’t want to deny him that experience by hovering over him his entire life, ready and willing to pick up the tab for whatever decisions he makes. That’s infantilizing, and IMO, injurious to his autonomy as an adult.

    14. 1) retirement
      2) college
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      101 or so) wedding

      You’re not going to get on track with college savings unless you really start plowing money into it now, so forget about wedding saving. And the plowing money into college savings is only a suggestion if you are fully on track for your own retirement.

    15. If you’ve only managed to save $13k each for college and they’re in middle school, then I think you should give up on the idea that you’re paying for their wedding or down payment. It depends on where you are on your retirement savings, but assuming you’re maxing out 401ks, I’d probably pull back on retirement like 25 percent and put it toward college.

      1. +1 the first sentence is harsh but true. You’re in a position to pay for weddings or houses, and that’s perfectly ok.

        I would continue maxing your 401ks though rather than cannibalizing them for college. As many others said, there are loans for college, but not for retirement and maxing a 401k is not really that much. State universities are affordable, and are a perfectly fine option.

    16. I’m on the flip side of this, since I retired last year. My priorities was saving for retirement and college. We paid for both kids through undergrad and put one through grad school. They younger one still has money left in their 529, which I’ll switch to a grandkid if/when there is one. We have enough for retirement, including LTC. Or at least we think we do. Monte Carlo scenerios put us at 99% of being ok at age 100 for me and 102 for dh. We did not save for weddings since we feel that they should be paid for by the couple, but we have given each child several thousand to use for housing. We hope we can afford other generous gifts in the future, but we’ll see. So far, our retirement expenses have not been very high, but we want to do some work on the house to allow us to age in place, so we’ll see.

  8. What are your favorite clothing brands? I’ve been branching out from my usual mall stores lately, and have been enjoying some finds from Faherty, FatFace, Quince and Everlane. Looking for other similar suggestions.

    1. Skies Are Blue
      Velvet by graham and Spencer
      Farm Rio
      Evereve
      Rails
      Maeve
      Carve Designs

  9. What is exactly is a facial? What happens in the appointment and will you want to take time off afterwards due to a red face? Is it worth getting one if its only an occasional thing or do you have to get them consistently for it to make a difference?

    1. I’m no skincare pro, but I find facials more relaxing/ “treat yo self” type thing than any sort of purpose-driven, ongoing treatment. There are exceptions to that – I know if you have really dry skin or other pervasive issues like acne they can help. I’ve had friends get a few facials back to back to try to address issues like this, and they say it has helped (though not permanently). Personally, I get them randomly/sporadically.

      My face is red immediately after but not so red that I wouldn’t walk in to the grocery store or go out to dinner that night. I would not get it in the morning and plan to go to work immediately following, but no you don’t need to take Monday off from work because you got one on Sunday. If you have sensitive skin or are really nervous about redness, tell them you don’t want a chemical peel or anything like that – that’s the only time I’ve been REAL red, but again, not enough to stay in my house for the day.

      A European Facial is generally code for middle of the road, basic. Hydrafacials are cool but absolutely a different experience than a more traditional (and relaxing) facial. Call your local provider and tell them it’s your first time or what you’re looking for (something delicate, not too harsh) and they’ll guide you in the right direction.

    2. Most basically, a facial is like a deep clean for your skin. The aesthetician will evaluate your skin, and generally steam it and then perform some extractions. You may get a mask or two added. to help with all of this. I find most of it very pleasant but the extractions can sometimes hurt. You may be a bit red after and have some marks from the extractions. Whether they are worth it depends on who you ask and, imo, the person getting/giving them. Generally, yes you want to schedule them for when you can have some downtime after to not wear make up and just relax – i.e., do not do it right before a big event but give your skin a week or two to recover (depends on the number of extractions needed and how your skin reacts) and also to not wear makeup for at least a day or two.

      I don’t know if it’s “worth it” to do inconsistently but I think if you have specific concerns like blackheads you want to address, sometimes is better than never.

    3. I do monthly facials now after doing them occasionally for years. I felt they made a solid difference when I did them occasionally, I used to do them when the seasons changed, but monthly has been a major difference. It helped finally finding someone I love who has done wonders for my skin. That said, I have sensitive, reactive skin that I manage to keep in mild rosacea status, so I only do facials in the late afternoon/early evening so I can keep my tomato face away from people until the next day when it has calmed down.

      Mine are a little more intensive hydration and calming focused and so we don’t tend to to extractions. They usually follow a cleanse, derma plane, exfoliation, mask, led light, massage, extreme moisture process. I usually swap out and do a hydrafacial once every 4 months or so, I liken that to cleaning carpets. You are shooting water into the pores and sucking it back out lol.

    4. My skin tends to get kind of dirty/gross and I do facials for a deep cleaning, including extractions and sometimes a peel. I go seasonally but would go every month if it was in my budget. I find it makes the most difference when I’m coming out of a period where I was particularly stressed and didn’t do much to keep up my skincare routines. My skin isn’t particularly sensitive, but I avoid putting on makeup until the next morning. There’s usually a little redness but nothing crazy.

      Before my wedding, my makeup artist advised me to get a deep clean facial about two weeks before and then another facial two days before — but the second one without extractions or peels and just focusing on hydration. I found this advice worked out perfectly.

    5. For me they’re a once a year post winter holiday/winter blues treat in the depths of Jan or Feb.

      They’ll use steam, cleansers, serums and moisturizers and sometimes exfoliators and perform extractions. A good provider ask you about your skin, current products, issues etc before starting. A good appointment will either combine or add into the process a massage on your shoulders, neck, and face to help you relax and stimulate blood flow/lymphatics. Oh and you’ll usually lay in a heated bed – so nice in the winter. Depending on the type of facial you can expect the service to be 30 – 90 minutes. I combine a facial with a mani to continue relaxing post facial. They may tell you to avoid certain products or part of your routine or what not for the next day or two after.

      My skin is pretty red and I can be sensitive to stronger ingredients, so my facials have tended to be focused on calming redness and some surface dryness (rather than intense cleansing, exfoliations, or extractions)

  10. What are your spending/saving priorities? I have a smaller, inexpensive house and am not prioritizing renovations or expansions, drive an older Toyota but spend a lot on travel and more than I should on clothing. Kids will be in college within six years, so am prioritizing saving for that. In a fantasy life, I’d have a vacation home.

    1. I think I’m weird, but I have no desire for a vacation home and wouldn’t buy one even if I won the lottery. We had one in our family and ended up selling it because it was so expensive and time-consuming to maintain and just wasn’t worth it for the 1-2 weeks each year that each family unit used it.

      We spend an obscene amount of money on travel and a fair amount of money on restaurants/takeout, but are otherwise frugal. Our home is comfortable but not trendy (per the weekend discussion, we have…gasp!…granite in our kitchen) and we are done renovating, I basically never buy clothes unless I’m replacing an item that wore out, and we drive 15 and 25 year old Toyotas that run perfectly (we don’t drive a lot and they have low mileage for their age). Savings-wise retirement is our biggest priority.

      1. We’re similar in that we also spend a lot on travel and eating out, drive 9 and 26 year old Toyotas (!), and prioritize retirement. We’ve also saved by continuing to rent (in the Bay Area). I could spend less money on clothes, but I enjoy fashion.

    2. A vacation home is only a good investment if you don’t like to travel. The home replaces your travel and much of your entertainment budget.

  11. I read the College of Charleston comments from the other day. If you live in NC or SC, what are state schools that feel like a SLAC that are not Davidson-level hard to get into (and not Davidson-level expensive) that are decently strong, academically (enough to be able to get a good job out of and not have the school’s reputation be a detractor)?

    1. Incidentally, Davidson admits on a need-blind basis and covers 100% of need for the cost of attendance without using any student loans. I know this is not responsive to OP, but it is noteworthy and I have witnessed it in reality through a family member who attended.

      1. Most selective private schools do this, it’s not unique to Davidson. The school’s definition of “need” is often very different than what the parents can actually pay though.

        1. There are 24 colleges/universities in the US that do this. Once you eliminate institutions like the Ivies, Stanford, Duke, etc., there are very, very few.

      2. As an extremely proud Davidson alum who volunteers extensively with the school’s annual fund, as well as with currently students, can confirm this to be the case. For many current students that I work with, the aid Davidson gave made it equal to in state tuition.

    2. Really encourage you to hire a college counselor in your area. That’s a very specific ask and you are putting a lot of constraints on this choice that may not make sense for your child.

        1. Yes it is absolutely a thing. Some high schools have great counselors who do this work! Some do not, and if you’re anxious and unsure and need help, you can hire that.

        2. oh it is Totally a Thing. Unfortunately, like career services in law school, the school-provided resource is not always the best…

        3. Not in any meaningful way in my large urban public school district. There’s ratios of one counselor per hundreds of kids, all with very different needs and goals. And really, that’s not too different than 20 years ago when I was applying from my suburban high school and no counselor knew anything about out of state schools (although no one in my area used a private coach, my cousins out east did). It’s another way affluent families have a leg up in the process.

        4. Ha. Hahahahahaha. Both the idea of hiring a professional college counselor and the idea of depending on a school counselor for this are hilariously privileged positions to me. Yes, you can pay $$$ to hire pro. And yes, if your child goes to a private school or a suburban school in a very high SES area, there are counselors with knowledge about and connections to colleges who can help your kid get into a college. Everyone else has to navigate this on their own. But people here mostly don’t need to worry their pretty little heads about this last part and will be in denial that it is even real.

          1. Do you even realize what website you’re posting on? You seem shocked that people will post from their perspective which is often very affluent.

          2. My comment expressly acknowledges the affluent perspective of the posters here.

        5. One of the top articles in the WSJ today is how parents are spending $4k for sorority rush consultants, so if that’s a thing this is def a thing.

          (also… WHAT?!)

    3. I think Elon University has really come up in the past 10-20 years in terms of reputation and selectiveness. Meredith College is a bit of a special case. I’m not sure on the selectiveness of it, but it has a fierce alumna community and a very strong network in tHE Carolinas. The only other one that immediately comes to mind would be University of Richmond, although that’s Virginia.

      1. I thought that Meredith College was like CoC, but stricter re men leaving the parlors other than moving in/out of the dorms.

      2. I do agree there’s a distinct tinge of “Mrs degree” at Meredith and there being a sense that it’s a very old southern institution, but I disagree that the reputation has any other similarities to CoC. It doesn’t have the party / fun loving reputation that CoC has. If anything, Meredith students would be attending parties of NC Staters, not having/hosting themselves. I also don’t think the academics are questionable. It’s a good school with a good community and I doubt local employers would look down on a Meredith student automatically.

        1. Yeah, the ONLY member of my graduating class (10 years ago) who was rejected from our state university went to Elon.

      3. I went to Richmond and it came to mind, too, but for the fact it’s not a state school and in VA, which OP was looking for.

      1. UNC Asheville is a public liberal arts school, so technically this is exactly what you’re looking for, and as far as I know, the only one in the Carolinas. Elon and University of Richmond might also be good fits for the kind of school you seem to be talking about, but they’re both private (and UR is in VA).

    4. Speaking for NC, my home state, there’s nothing public that fits that bill. The public university system is behemoths (UNC, State), the smaller campuses of the UNC system where academics are sort of secondary to serving the local population, or big schools in their part of the state (ECU, App State).

    5. Most states don’t have state schools that feel like a SLAC, one of the few that fit the bill would be William & Mary, though obviously that’s not in the Carolinas.

      Most states have large flagship state schools and smaller, cheap, but generally not at all selective smaller state schools and little in between.

      1. If you’re willing to consider neighboring states, I would look at Georgia College and State University (GCSU), University of North Georgia and the honors colleges at Valdosta and Georgia Southern.

      2. Yup, my state has a few good, but large and pricier state universities (they’re semi public, hence why they’re more expensive than truly public universities). And then about 10 smaller state universities (that are fully public) that I wouldn’t send my dog, let alone my child who hopes to graduate and have a career, to.

      3. I thought that W&M was Davidson-level hard to get into. Maybe out of state it is different? But then it is OOS-level expensive.

        1. It is Davidson level hard to get into, especially if you’re in NOVA.

          There’s a reason you’re not hearing of any good but not too hard to get into affordable colleges. They don’t exist. If they do, they become so popular that they then become very hard to get into.

    6. At NC state schools, I think the SLAC feel is going to partly depend on things like choice of major and whether the student is in the honors program.

      1. I attended a big ten school’s honors program, and then chose a small major, and it was the best of both worlds in my view. Small seminar classes and social events, but with all the research and other opportunities of a flagship U. I knew my professors really well.

        1. +1 I’m staff at a Big 10 school and the honors college is excellent and provides the small school experience within the bigger research university. It does seem like the best of both worlds in many ways. That’s the path we’ll encourage for our daughter if she’s a good student but not able to get into Ivies or elite SLACs.

    7. How old are your kids? If you’re the person who is planning for your tweens or younger teens, FWIW, as a 12yo I envisioned myself somewhere cute and cozy like William & Mary but as a 17yo I fell head over heels for an urban campus and never left the city.

      1. Right. If your kid is 12 honestly just stop. You’re obsessing over nothing, you have no idea what they will want or what will be possible in 5 years.

        If this isn’t our regular anxious poster but in fact someone who has a high schooler who needs to start making choices, hire a professional.

    8. A greater distance, but St. Mary’s College of Maryland is a public, liberal arts college with a lovely little campus on the water.

      1. I was also going to recommend St. Mary’s. (Note: it is not a religious school, the name references the fact that it’s in St. Mary’s County. )

    9. If you want a SLAC experience at a state school, their best bet is probably an honors program.

      1. How do those work? I have heard that they are either very hard to get into (but offer lots of special attention and summer experiences) or they are just extras available to any interested student with maybe a 3.0 GPA. I’ve tried clicking around the sites and following some of them that have their own handles on IG and it still feels very opaque.

        1. It varies from school to school. The one I attended was pretty selective and gave you access to specific dorms and resources. There were also lots of events and I got really valuable one-on-one time with my instructors.

        2. At the university I work at it’s quite selective. The average SAT score is about 150 points higher than the overall student body. You apply for a specific major and certain majors are more or less competitive. I’ve heard of kids with 4.0 high school GPAs not getting into honors.

      2. Even if the academic experience is SLAC-like, the overall campus environment will not be.

        1. Depends on the State U, I think. The one I work at has an honors dorm and while it’s not the *same* as a SLAC, it does seem to have a lot of similarities.

    10. Can you consider a college-within-a-university situation? Many large state universities have academic programs or campuses within, to meet the needs of high-performing, academically-oriented students. This type of program allows the smart kids to engage with each other, and might offer a dorm for program participants. Often the students will get priority in registering for classes, which is GOLD when trying to get into small seminars that are quite prized at the larger institutions. There might be an opportunity to create a sui generis major as well, and other similar opportunities. Don’t discount the large state universities — they may yet meet the needs of someone yearning for a small liberal arts college.

      1. Oops, sorry, I didn’t read all the comments about honors programs before posting. I echo the other comments.

  12. Recommendations for books along the lines of the Bridgerton romances? I liked the pacing and level of plot, Vi*gin River was too formulaic. I just read The Spanish Love Deception which was exactly what I was after. It’s really some romance fluff to break up heavier reading.

    1. Some authors from my TBR that might fit this: Abby Jimenez, Marisa de los Santos.

      It’s not a romance exactly but I am rereading The Shell Seekers by Rosamunde Pilcher right now and I can’t recommend it enough. Some sad parts, but the coziest read of all time.

    2. Lauren Willig, the Pink Carnation series. Well written, the author is clearly smart, engaging romance with solid history and some mystery. Like Bridgerton they can be read as stand alone books but I’d start with book 1.

      1. +1!! These were “gateway” to the Romance genre. The mystery / spy aspect in these books are very well done.

    3. I like to read fluffy books written by smart, good writers (I think this is why the Bridgerton books work) . Two other writers of similar ilk that I have enjoyed are Lisa Kleypas (Wallflower Series is a fun place to start) and Eloisa James (the Wilde series would be the most similar to Bridgerton I think, but most of the books are fun easy reads, and often have really interesting historical information).

      1. Mary Balogh is another good author in this vein. These were my fave books in my mid-20s!

    4. For historical romance, my must read authors these days are:
      Sarah McLean, Julie Anne Long, Courtney Milan and Evie Dunmore. I would say McLean and Dunmore have the same lighter touch as Julia Quinn. The others tend to be a little on the angsty side, which I do love, but is very different a tone than Quinn. Tessa Dare is lighter too, but not one of my favorites.

    5. some of my favorite historical romances:

      devil in winter, lisa kleypas
      ravishing the heiress, sherry thomas
      ALL the Tessa Dare, particularly Duchess Deal and the Castles series
      Sarah MacLean is also great – start with Rogue by Any Other Name
      more serious, not overly funny, but a great romance with an HEA – Spymaster’s Lady by Bourne (give it at least 50 pages)

  13. Who else has seen the Barbie movie?! No spoilers but I loved it. Everything I want in a movie, am definitely seeing it again in theatres.

  14. How was everyone’s Barbenheimer experience this weekend? Any strong thoughts on either movie?

    1. I thought the Barbie script needed a few more revisions. The “deprogramming” speech was trite. There was no in-depth look at why girls start off dreaming of become astronauts and grow up thinking they aren’t smart enough for engineering school. The gag at the end fell flat.

      1. +1 to the end of Barbie. I enjoyed the movie on the whole and laughed very very hard at times, but could have done without the last 15 minutes or so.

        1. SPOILER WARNING:

          She’s excited to go to the gyno because she didn’t have a v*gina when she was a Barbie and she got one when she turned human.

      2. If you couldn’t even be happy during that movie, you are seriously happiness-challenged.

    2. I’m seeing Oppenheimer tomorrow with a friend and can’t wait. I don’t have much interest in Barbie. I played with the dolls as a kid but it wasn’t an obsession or anything, and I’ve never been a big Greta Gerwig fan.

    3. The Barbie trailer hits all the best parts of the movie. I enjoyed watching the whole thing, but not strongly, and there’s a fair amount of padding.

  15. What’s everyone cooking this week? I’m going food shopping during my lunch break, and I have absolutely no idea what I will cook this week!

    1. I had planned to make amazing salads, but my husband has a stomach bug and is feeling a bit delicate. I made some lentil soup for kiddo’s camp lunches, so might just eat that.

    2. Tacos. Fish or chicken or maybe veggie with all the farm stand zucchini and potatoes.
      Fish one night. Probably salmon with green beans or asparagus, cooked on a sheet pan for easy clean up.
      Pasta of some kind.
      Cobb Salad (from the best NYT recipe) or maybe a Nicoise.
      Goal for next weekend is to make a cold soup.

    3. Thai red curry with tofu (NYTimes)
      Miso salmon (NYTimes)
      Scrambled eggs with goat cheese
      Rotisserie chicken one night
      Then chicken quesadillas
      Then curried chicken salad
      Take out one night.

    4. I made tomato and garlic confit last night and plan to use it with cod filets and green beans for dinner. I am cooking garbanzos today and plan to eat chickpea salad sandwiches for lunches. I am using leftover shrimp for a shrimp, corn, tomatoes, and cucumber salad sandwich today. I also have some duck eggs and might break up the dinners with an eggs Benedict riff with frozen creamed spinach and bacon.

      1. +1. I’m doing lots of rice bowls with fake crab (my guilty pleasure) and marinated tofu, along with veggies pickled in rice vinegar.

      2. +2. I made hummus yesterday and am making wraps with hummus, pickled onions, tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers, peppers, and frozen dill pickle falafel from TJs.

    5. Woks of Life tomato egg stir fry. Simple, healthy, and great way to take advantage of summer tomatoes.

      1. Oh wow – thanks for sharing this. These are the kind of tasty easy recipes I want in my life.

        Do you really need to use 3 tablespoons of oil for just 4 eggs?

        1. I never follow recipes’ instructions for how much oil to use. I eyeball it every time and this recipe (and others) always turn out fine.

  16. My late grandmother, who I adored, lived well into her 90s. It was a slow decline past 70, but she never voluntarily exercised and cooked with lard (country person). She had two years of steep physical and mental decline, but lived a full life (and, actuarily, is likely why we can’t have pensions anymore). I based my financial life around that — needing money for a LONG time.

    My mother, her daughter, was far healthier — jogged a bit, walked everywhere (city person), still does stairs. Healthy and sturdy. She just got diagnosed with a fatal disease that she has no risk factors for that will give her decades less to live than her mother, years she reasonably expected to spend with grandchildren, gardening, and enjoying a life she had put off while working. She is taking this with a sense of “if it’s not this, it could be something else,” after several friends have had unexpected other final illnesses happen to them.

    My head is spinning — I guess tomorrow is never promised. And we don’t even get what prior generations got (although the doctor’s office tells us to look at that). And we’ve got to balance the YOLO with the “might not blow that money in 2023 because I may need it in 2063.” It just feels so unfair to see the clock run out on someone who was just beginning to life her life now that she was done raising children and caring for her mother.

    1. Yes, it is so unfair when people with a promising long, life ahead of them have that ripped away from them. So sorry to hear about your mom’s diagnosis.

      I know so many healthy people who took care of themselves who retired in their mid 60s (so a normal retirement age, not people hanging on working as long as they could) and either died or were diagnosed with life changing diagnoses right after, ripping away their retirement dreams. It sucks.

      Unfortunately, there’s no crystal ball to determine spending vs saving…

    2. Oh, I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. It is a huge shock, and is really terrible. I hope you are not too far away, so you can spend time with her. Your Mom sounds like a pretty incredible woman, to respond to her situation the way she is. Try to carry that attitude with you, and take one day at a time.

      Also remember – you still have no idea how much time you both have. Everything is a spectrum, doctors can be bad predictors, and sometimes you can live a lifetime in one month.

      You are learning a very hard lesson, one that many on this board haven’t seen yet, and when you do, it takes your breath away.

      My mother also was struck too soon in life, in a similar way. She died much younger than her mother, and her sister is still living many decades older, after a life of smoking/drinking/risk-taking that my mother never did. Life isn’t fair. Everything can change in a moment. Try not to live with regrets.

      I have the same stress right now, thinking about how to plan for my future. While I am high risk for the medical conditions my mother had and could pass in the next decade, I could also be lucky like others and live a similar long life to your grandmother. This is what I think about when I wake up at 3am with perimenopausal hot flashes.

    3. The biggest lie people believe is that you can lifestyle your way to evade genetics. Exercising is great, makes you feel good, has benefits but it’s absolutely no guarantee of a good health outcome. I’m sorry about your mom, OP.

      1. +1 it is really stunning how little diet and exercise have to do with life expectancy. I’m nearly 40, so parents are mostly 70+ and starting to die in reasonably large numbers. Two close friends have lost their healthy, fit dads, a third friend’s marathoner dad is totally disabled by Parkinson’s and my obese dad who has never exercised and consumes ungodly quantities of sugar and red meat is going strong.

        1. Agreed. I think it may help with QOL while you are alive (I can do a lot b/c my joints don’t creak), but I’ve two relatives cut down by pancreatic cancer (no risk factors; not sure that it is hereditary vs very bad luck) and one by alcoholism. Maybe it is an illusion that we have choices at all? I realized when I was pregnant that life was happening to me: I did not decide to grow a placenta or when to go into labor or anything and they all just happened on autopilot and now I think a lot of life determinants in the health department are just more things like that.

          1. Yeah I think it definitely helps with QOL while alive. My dad is thankfully still mentally fit, but has had a lot of knee and arthritis problems that are weight-related and is now basically fully disabled at age 73. It’s not the life I want, so I will make different choices. But I think it’s very naive to think you can guarantee or close-to-guarantee a long life through good choices.

          2. I was also shocked by my loss of control over my body with my first pregnancy. I’m glad to know I wasn’t the only one.

          3. Anon at 11:41am.

            My Mom died young of pancreatic cancer. Because pancreatic cancer is so rare and random, is now recommended that all close family members of those with pancreatic cancer get genetic testing to see if they carry a gene mutation that increases their risk of cancer. Since you have two members in your family, it is even more important for you and your family to look into this.

            I recommend that you join the Johns Hopkins Familial Pancreatic tumor registry, where anyone who has a family member with pancreatic cancer can share their family’s history, and they will keep you up to date with current recommendations and their research on early detection. They told me about the recommendations for genetic testing and referred me to the company Invitae that is incredibly affordable for this kind of testing.

            I found out that I carry a genetic mutation that can increase my risk for multiple cancers. Now I know. It means I have to start screening for breast cancer earlier and with MRI scans, and watch for other cancers too. I also will be followed in a special clinic for patients who are at risk for genetic causes of gastrointestinal cancers. And now my brothers and cousins are getting tested, because of what they found out about me. It is so important, as they all have daughters who need to know if they should start breast cancer screening in their 30’s.

            Alternatively, your primary care doctor can refer you to a local genetic counselor, and they will figure out what testing you need. Or you can just search online and find one and make an appointment. But don’t delay. You must be pro-active with this sort of thing, because primary care doctors don’t know enough about this and honestly, don’t have time to ask too many questions about your family history.

            The trick to this random game of health and life, is finding out if you have a problem early, so that you have time to potentially cure it. It is when we find out too late, that some cancers defeat us. And we all have to be pro-active, and our own best advocate and researcher.

          4. Anon at 2:46 with the long pancreatic cancer comment: I think it must have been you who left a similar comment several weeks ago, recommending the Johns Hopkins Pancreatic Cancer registry. Within the last year, I lost an uncle and a grandmother to pancreatic cancer on horrifyingly short timelines. I had never heard of this registry before your comment, but my packet from them arrived in the mail last week. Thank you.

        2. It’s so true. We like to think if we eat healthy and exercise we will live longer because it gives us a sense of control but it’s an illusion. My sister was a super fit runner who died of pancreatic cancer in 7 months.

          1. Oh, I’m so sorry.

            Please get genetic testing, if you haven’t already, and get in touch with Hopkins (see above).

      2. +2. My grandmother is still alive, in her mid-90s, and has never done formal exercise a day in her life. Of course, she was always very active by virtue of having five kids and living in a very urban area in a developing country, so I’m sure that was far more protective than the 10,000 steps I try to get (which I don’t reach most days). Even my father, who had advanced, uncontrolled diabetes, managed to live to his mid-70s, mostly because of his good genes, I’d guess.

      3. Yes, a same-age friend of mine (mid-60s) is starting to have some scary health issues and she is OUTRAGED because she has always been a super-healthy exerciser and eater and was under the impression that it would protect her from ever getting sick. I feel so bad for her that she is dealing with that emotional trauma on top of the illness itself.

        1. This type of situation can make you extremely bitter. I hope she is getting counseling, because it is a rapid road to depression/anger and it can alienate you from everyone around you during a fragile time.

        2. The colleague who was most committed to healthy living her entire life died of lung cancer at age 55, non-smoker. She was angry, angry angry, understandably so. The second most healthy living colleague died of a brain tumor at 57. We do not control all of it, for certain.

      4. OP, I’m sorry for your loss.

        I lost my father a few years ago – he had a chronic illness that made complications more hard on him, and fought like hell for a decade plus, beat so many odds – and I miss him every single day.

        As someone who works in a public-health adjacent role, I think lifestyle modifications are a huge factor in timing of onset and severity – we shouldn’t take that for granted (not saying anyone did, just a PSA :)). For example, if you’re pre-diabetic, lifestyle modifications will play a huge part in preventing the onset of diabetes. I think how we define diet, exercise, and wellness has become really confusing. Agreed there is no silver bullet for genetics – I’m South Asian and I will get diabetes at some point. All I can do is try to postpone and prevent severity and onset.

        Case study of someone who self-defines as healthy: My MIL was a marathoner until 60. She looks great in the traditional sense; she’s trim and fit. She always mentions “I’m a healthy eater, I’m vegetarian, I just don’t understand why X health issue is happening”. I know that isn’t easy. The reality is, she really has had decades of disordered eating and just ate low-calorie and low-nutrient (e.g. drinks diet soda like water, uses a lot of her calorie allotment for sweets, not a ton of actual veggies). Health-wise, she’s had crohn’s (remission), cancer (breast, skin, and leukemia – all in remission/controlled), and we just found out she’s was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. She turns 70 this year.

      5. Yes. It’s also hard to evade environmental factors based on where you live. When I was diagnosed with cancer in my 30s the most stressful part was people constantly asking me “how I got it” aka “what did you do to cause your cancer.” It was unfathomable to them that I didn’t have some lifestyle factor that caused it. Being blamed for your disease that’s likely genetic or environmental is emotionally exhausting.

        1. Ugh, I am so sorry you had to suffer from such painful, insensitive ignorance. If only people knew how painful their words can be.

    4. I’m so sorry about your mom’s diagnosis.

      One thing I am learning as I get older is that it is very hard to predict who is going to die early. A couple of very healthy, fit people from my high school class have died of cancer they had no risk factors for. While a couple of my parents’ very unhealthy friends (heavy drinking; no exercise; terrible diets) are still kicking in their 70s and will likely make it into their 90s.

      The bottom line is that while you can do your best to keep yourself healthy, we still don’t fully understand what causes different types of cancer and you can’t control for everything. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us, and no amount of fear-based control of our life circumstances can save us from the worst happening to us. I realize that is an extremely uncomfortable fact to many on this board, but it is the truth. That’s why I try to balance planning for tomorrow with living for today, because today may be all we have.

    5. I really struggle with this. I have two grandparents who lived to be 101, one of whom ran out of money at 99 and the family rallied to keep up her standard of care.

      I have also lost three friends in five years – one to a car accident, one to covid complications, one to a cancer. All my friends had young children and it’s been devastating all around. I have come to believe more than ever that each day is a gift, and I try to live with more grace than I had previously.

      I don’t have the magic answer but am interested in the discussion here. I dialed back my fully-funded retirement contributions by a few percentage points after running the numbers and seeing that I should have more than enough to maintain my standard of living in retirement, and it’s really important that I am able to make special memories with my child when I am able. Financially it may not be the best decision, but it won’t be catastrophic, and it reflects my priorities.

      (And buy life insurance if you have anyone who depends on you!)

      1. Amen, a million times over, to your last sentence. If you don’t NEED life insurance, it becomes cheap to have. Until you can’t get it because you’ve developed diabetes or had cancer or have a heart history.

    6. I am so sorry.

      My dad died in his early 60s unexpectedly and after a quick and totally unforeseen illness. Both of his parents lived into their late 80s/90s in a place and time where that was statistically improbable. He used to joke about being “doomed” to a long life. Nothing is guaranteed. I think you just have to strike a balance of living in and enjoying the now while also preparing for tomorrow. Don’t put off seeing the world because you will travel when you retire but don’t skip planning for retirement just because you may get hit by a bus tomorrow.

      Thinking of you and your mom. Hugs.

    7. I’m so sorry about your mother. I lost a good friend quickly at 32 to breast cancer, which was a harsh introduction to “you never know”. I hope you are able to enjoy your time with your mother and find peace with whatever path her health takes her, and you, on.

      1. Someone I knew died of metastatic breast cancer at 32, within a year of initial diagnosis. She had just finished her orthopedic fellowship and gotten married to another ortho. She ran marathons.

        I plan my finances as if I’ll live to 99. But I also plan and enjoy life as if I could die in the next year.

    8. Really, really sorry about your mom :(

      Like you, I had very long living grandparents (82, 82, 86 and 95) so I figured I’m going to be here a long time.

      Yeah probably not–despite doing all the right things, I’ve had two different cancers, I have crap bones, Meniere’s, I’m high risk and am probably in the early stages of Parkinson’s disease.

      So yes, live now but with some prudence–I mean I might not get a third cancer or a recurrence and still live a long time but maybe have the Parkinson’s go full bore.

      You are correct, tomorrow isn’t promised. I’m still doing all the right things but I realize now it may only be to help me feel somewhat in control.

      I hope your mother’s path is easy and that you are able to spend quality time with her.

    9. This is why I plan on retiring at 65, no later. I do not want to keep working into my late 60’s/early 70’s and then only have a few years left to enjoy retirement. I do not want to put off retirement. Aside from death, I also don’t want to not be physically able to enjoy retirement.

      1. For a datapoint, quality of life peaks on average at 68, according to data from a longitudinal study across the UK from the mid-2000’s. The quality of life was reduced by depression (β −0.265), poor perceived financial situation (β −0.157), limitations in mobility (β −0.124), difficulties with everyday activities (β −0.112), and limiting longstanding illness (β −0.112). The quality of life was improved by trusting relationships with family (β 0.105) and friends (β 0.078), frequent contacts with friends (β 0.059), living in good neighbourhoods (β 0.103), and having two cars (β 0.066). here were slight differences between age groups and between men and women.

      2. I’m late 30’s and have struggled with living in the moment or living for the present versus being responsible and saving for retirement. My SO and I do not plan to have kids and I’m trying to enjoy my life more now, specifically allowing myself to actually use my PTO to travel especially when I think about the state of the world and the future with global warming.

    10. As someone with an early cancer diagnosis myself, I just have to say, you are learning a very hard but very true truth of life. You cannot outrun, out eat, out sleep many (most?) health issues. And it’s not always genetics either. Sometimes it’s just very hard, very unlucky chance. I did everything “right”. I would be considered the picture of health. I was a college athlete. I eat well. I am “skinny”, but muscular. And yet here we are. I spent the first two days after my diagnosis crying that I should have done hard dr*gs or something all through college because a lot of good being “good” did me.

      Make healthy choices because they ideally mean you feel good so you can live bigger now – not because they guarantee you tomorrow. Plan for there to be a tomorrow, but don’t put off things because you never know.

      1. You are so right.

        Much of cancer is chance/bad luck.

        Cancer is growing in us all the time. All the time. Mistakes happen when DNA replicates, and cells divide. Usually or cells/immune systems find the mistake, and fix or kill those cells (early cancers). But sometimes they slip through. Bad luck. Maybe our immune system gets weaker with age or with environmental stresses, or we inherit a gene that make it harder to repair our DNA so more early cancers appear. Often beyond our control. Or maybe we smoke or drink or stay in the sun a little too much and a few more DNA mistakes happen and/or cancer cells grow….

        So what can we do? Try to control the things we can (ex. don’t smoke, decrease stress so our immune system is healthier etc..). Figure out if we are higher risk for cancers based on our family/personal history. And then try to catch them as early as possible. And… we need to be very lucky.

        1. It’s hard. I know this is one of the concerns about COVID reinfections right now (even if the immune effects are temporary, it’s not great for our immune system to take a hit every time we catch it, and there are already studies on cancer taking advantage of that opportunity).

          1. Honestly, there are so many other things that knock this out worse than COVID …. I wouldn’t get bogged down worrying about COVID reinfections for this reason. Many, many worse things…

          2. I’m not sure that’s right? I have family on immune suppressants, so I’m very aware there are other things that knock out immunity and increase cancer risk! But what we’ve been told is that the risk from COVID infection would be additive, not negligible in comparison.

            I think it will honestly be a while before we know whether COVID is worse than other things for giving cancer an opportunity to get out of control? But the concern is partly about trends that are new and concerning even as compared to the effects of immune suppression (the message isn’t “oh it’s not nearly as bad as stuff we see all the time”; the message is “some of this is not like what we’ve seen before and we need to figure it out”).

    11. I struggle with this a lot. I have not enjoyed my life to date due to elder care and a demanding career. I have probably guaranteed myself a secure but not lavish retirement. I plan to leave work when my elder care obligations are over. That could be next week or 7 years from now. I am 42 so I would be young to retire but my mom had cognitive decline in her 50s. I do not have a partner or husband to help me like she did. So it could all be over for me by 60, and I will have lived so little for myself.

      1. I’m sorry to hear that. I hope that you have a moment to explore your options to live more freely now.

        A lovely lady in my extended family felt duty-bound to personally care for her ailing mother, rather than move her mother to a facility. She had the best intentions and a good heart, but it burned her out completely. It wasn’t until the mother had a health crisis and she had a mental health crisis before she allowed her mother to live in a government nursing home. She is finally piecing her life back together. I truly wished she had let her mother move into a home sooner.

      2. NW Islander, I remember your posts.

        You and I share a lot of similarities, although my financial situation was less secure, as I had to stop working during the caregiving years. I am also without a partner, and the last thing I can imagine in my life right now is committing to potentially taking care of another individual. Not that I have had time to think about such things.

        But now my caregiving is over. My outlook on life is completely changed from my intense, demanding, stressful career driven, lives-at-stake trajectory. Now I am in the midst of the post-caregiving “clean up” and trying to get a handle on all of my own personal/medical problems that have been ignored for years. You will likely be able to relate to this.

        I now want a very peaceful, low stress, simple life. I am slowly starting to figure out who I am now, what I need, and how I can be productive and contribute in a way that makes my life better too.

        Can you imagine what the most common question was after my last parent died?

        “When are you getting back to work?”

        As if that was the right question, and the most important thing at that time.

        It’s crazy it is how long it takes us to figure out what is important in life.

        I now listen to the podcast “Wiser than Me” – Julia Louise Dreyfus – of all people.
        It is Julia talking to a bunch of older, interesting, smart women. All I want to do these days is talk to women older than me, and learn from them.

    12. I’m sorry, OP.

      I struggle with this at work. I’m at a rare company that, as one of its core values, frequently keeps people on until mandatory retirement at age 75. My grandmother died at 74, my aunt died at 65, and my mother has hit the trifecta of stroke, heart surgery, and cancer by 72. I would not like to know the odds I am still healthy at 75, but I imagine they are quite low. But it’s hard to keep my face neutral at work when people talk about succession planning for my department. I just don’t expect to be working by then, not by choice but by necessity. But of course I can’t ever say that out loud.

  17. has anyone gotten set up with YNAB recently? downloaded it today. is it easier to set up on desktop or laptop rather than mobile? i mostly want to control my spending on clothing, groceries, and other dumb stuff — do i realy need to give it budgets for everything if i already have automatic savings set up for vacations, health, etc?

    1. I found desktop easier than mobile, but I went through setup a few years ago.

      And yes, do keep track of your auto savings – that’s where YNAB can really shine, to help you identify where you are relative to a goal. And then if you have a sudden expense or you go over in another category, to take some from your vacation line intentionally. Or underspend on clothing so you can do an extra vacation splurge. The whole point is to think about your spending categories in relation to one another, in addition to setting a baseline budget of course.

    2. I find the desktop version to be much easier to use in general, but ESPECIALLY for setting up the budget.

      And yes to adding categories for vacations, etc. This is one big aspect of YNAB– saving for those kinds of big expenses. I will say that I have several Ally accounts set up from before I started using YNAB, and I’ve added all the Ally accounts as one “account” in YNAB because it gets tedious to update a bunch of separate bank accounts within the software. Even though they’re considered one account in YNAB, the funds still get budgeted into separate categories.

    3. Works best if you use it for all cash coming out of checking and all credit cards. Otherwise you can fool yourself.

  18. Any tips for dealing with difficult managers at work? I’m at a mid sized law firm. The junior and senior partner on a case are very frustrating to work for, including due to the expectation that associates are always available and constant passive aggressive comments. I am looking for other jobs. In the meantime – how do I stay sane? Any practical tips for when I’m about to lose it?

      1. Yeah, since when has the expectation NOT been that associates are always available? (And also? When you’re a partner, the clients expect you to be always available. It’s a pie-eating contest where the prize is more pie.)

      2. I thought this was generally the expectation of BigLaw life. You paid a ton of money and in return you’re essentially selling your life to the firm.

    1. The best solution to this problem is to not work for lawyers. I know there are exceptions but lawyers are terrible managers. The worst. And there are rewards rather than consequences for it, so there is not a fix on the horizon.

    2. The trick to staying sane is to care much less. The passive aggressive comments matter a lot if you are trying to make partner, and don’t matter at all if you are leaving.

      The availability issue is standard for most law firms, because we are in a client-focused business. Sometimes the in-house counsel needs an answer for the CEO by Tuesday morning, and the in-house counsel learns of the situation on Monday afternoon. That means I am getting the answer on Monday afternoon or Monday evening. That’s the job.

    3. Been there many times. Biggest lesson I learned is that often times this is caused by a clash of working styles – chances are you are either communicating too little or too much with these people. For example, everything went better with one partner I learned to work with when once I week I would email a run down of the open matters, highlighting what I needed input from this partner on. Alternatively, you need to learn if this is someone who you just need to pop into their office every day or two and run down the list of items outstanding. Honestly, going to the person and being like “look, how do you prefer to work, what works well” can help with managing things and making a better working relationship. If other people are able to work well with them, then ask them what works. Another revelation is realizing the difference between someone being frustrated at the situation, and someone being frustrated at you. This takes time to learn, but honestly, a lot of the time it has nothing to do with you. (Learning this lesson, also helps wonderfully in life)

  19. I’m looking for a comfortable way to carry things when I’m out and about all day. What’s better in terms of comfort and style – a belt bag (probably worn crossbody) or a small backpack? I need a break from carrying a bag on my shoulder.

    1. Belt bag crossbody. YMMV if you’re in a quiet area but I would never want valuables on my back.

      1. +1. And edit down the things you need to carry – cardholder instead of a big wallet, etc.

      2. +2. The lululemon one is amazing, but plenty of good dupes on amazon if you don’t want to spend that much.

        1. I have a $15 Amazon dupe that I love (and get tons of compliments on!).

          I can’t imagine a scenario in which the choice is belt bag or backpack; to me they serve very different purposes. If I need to carry a lot, backpack. If I’m just doing my usual errands or walking around, belt bag.

          I’m very much a “keys, wallet, phone” only person (though my only wallet is actually a card case), but do also carry sunglasses, AirPods, and my work phone at times. All of which can comfortably fit in a belt bag. I would only carry a backpack if I also needed to bring a jacket or was picking up something from the store that I needed to carry home.

    2. I have both, and use them differently. When I’m going out quickly for an errand where I just want my phone/keys/glasses, I use the belt bag. When I am going some place where I want more space, I use a small very cute fashion backpack.

      I need to get a cuter belt bag. I actually hate the style of a belt bag slung across the chest, which I hope is almost out already. Maybe I’m just more of a SITC Carrie gucci belt bag type.

      But I live in a city, and I admit…. I dislike keeping my backpack on my back, where someone could in theory reach in . Make sure you keep valuables in the deep inner pockets – not in that convenient outer zip pocket!

    3. Belt bag worn crossbody in place of a purse is my go-to.

      Backpack if I’m going hiking, picnicking, or need my laptop, but not for just tooling around town.

    4. Anyone have the Lululemon everywhere belt bag (1L) and want to comment on any aspect of it?

      Extra credit if you have the “white opal” or “silver drop” color and want to opine on that versus black.

      1. I just bought this and it’s smaller than I expected. Wondering if I should try the 2L. I got the allspice because I’m afraid of using a light color, although apparently these bags are washable.

      2. I’d say over half of us have that bag, it’s quite ubiquitous and has been for a few years now :)

        I love it, I carry it frequently when taking a walk, running errands, meeting up with friends. I’m about 50/50 if I use my belt bag or a leather crossbody; I choose what to wear based off of my outfit and where I’m going. I wear it cross body, I haven’t tried wearing it like a fanny pack. Having the back pocket is nice too.

        It holds everything I need: phones, wallet, keys, sunglasses, AirPods. There’s room for more, if you need to carry more too.

        I have the white opal. I love how it looks, but it does get a bit dirtier then black. But, I like that I have it in something that isn’t black; I love how the white opal looks. It goes with everything.

      3. I have a light color and haven’t had trouble with it looking dirty at all. It’s the perfect size for sunglasses (in case), phone, keys, and credit card. Could hold a little more but might get heavier than I’d like.

      4. I have the white opal and love it. It took me all over Europe a few weeks ago and I saw similar one everywhere. I also have it in black, but find I reach for the lighter color more often. That being said, the fabric of the white opal is different than the black. The black is smooth and thick and the white opal is…crunchier? It is hard to describe, but it is slightly more textured. Not to the level of rumpled, but definitely different. I have gotten some marks on the opal one, but they have come off with light scrubbing or magic eraser. I have not yet tried to wash either one.

  20. Did you ever take a medication that you regretted in hindsight? After a few sessions with my EAP they suggested seeing a doctor to try Setraline for anxiety but I am not sure if I really need it or if I will get addicted to it. The internet has many terrible withdrawal stories about it. Thanks.

    1. FWIW, I’ve been on various SSRIs almost my entire adult life except for pregnancy (mid-40s now) and as long as I’ve titrated off with the help of my doc, I’ve never had any major withdrawal effects. I’m sure they do occur, but I also get the sense that a lot of people just stop cold turkey or do this without their doctor’s advice, which can’t help.

      1. I can’t speak to Setraline specifically but FWIW I’ve stopped another SSRI and other depression/anxiety meds cold turkey and I’ve never had any issues with withdrawal. My anxiety symptoms eventually came back, but that is to be expected.

    2. I took sertraline for probably 10 years on and off, and I never experienced any withdrawal effects. Consider the source. People posting on the Internet are angry about bad experiences. People who have good experiences are less likely to do so, IMO.

      1. +1 – I took it for about 2.5 years, just got off. It definitely helped with my anxiety symptoms. I had short-lived withdrawal effects – very vivid dreams that disturbed my sleep, was on edge more, etc.

        It tremendously helped with my anxiety, and I plan to keep it as a tool in my toolkit. I wanted to get off of it because I felt it was time for many reasons. I feel like I have more anxiety peaks now after being off of the SSRI, BUT after therapy and a SSRI I feel like I can be aware, recognize, and manage it in a way I couldn’t before.

        Getting on it was about 2 weeks of textbook symptoms – not fun, especially with a newborn and breastfeeding, but well worth it.

    3. Yes. It was actually Sertraline. It caused suicidal ideation that I had never experienced before (I was taking it for anxiety, not for depression), so I wasn’t able to taper off as slowly as would have been ideal. The discontinuation syndrome was brutal and temporarily disabling. The physiological explanation I was given was that my body had created many extra serotonin receptors to try to mop up all the extra serotonin, so quitting the med meant that a normal amount of serotonin wasn’t nearly enough for all the extra receptors? (Someone correct me if I got that wrong, but that was how I understood the explanation.) My one psychiatrist suggested taking some simple supplements that raise serotonin to treat the discontinuation, and this worked, but raised the question for me why I couldn’t have just tried that to begin with. Psychiatry is a lot of trial and error. I would honestly have been better off trying vitamins or even compression wear first since my anxiety symptoms were largely autonomic, but it felt like my medical team started with big gun meds and only brought up these other options as an afterthought.

      1. I had such a hard time with the few psychiatric meds I have tried, both side effects and tapering off. I am struggling with terrible anxiety right now and my therapist wants me to try again but after what I have been through I swore to myself I wouldn’t. I don’t know what to do.

        1. I ended up seeking better medical doctors; my underlying condition ended up being medical, which I think may be why the psych meds weren’t helpful like they’re supposed to be? I have no idea how often anxiety is a primary psychological condition vs. a symptom of some other underlying medical condition though.

        2. When I was in a similar (virtually identical) situation, I refused to follow my therapist’s medication recommendations because she just wasn’t hearing me about how bad my tapering experience was. I went to a psychiatrist who specialized in meds, thinking she would have a better chance at finding the right one– which she did do, after believing what I told her about my previous experience. And I got a new therapist when the first therapist wouldn’t drop the idea that I needed to resume Medication X which hadn’t worked for me.

        3. It sounds like you do need to try something. Remember, your anxiety is making your worry even more about taking the med/anticipating the worst/searching for scary stories online. Your disease is working against you. Totally common to have this problem.

          Are you doing both counseling and psychiatric care for medication management? That is always the best thing in your situation. The counseling can focus on getting you through the transition periods while you are tapering up.

          I’m sure you are doing all the things like minimizing caffeine and alcohol, intense exercise/yoga/deep breathing/mindfulness/whatever. Sleep.

          This is a hard time. Hang in there. It can get better.

    4. I was on setraline and found the ramp on difficult (headaches and jaw pain) , but no major withdrawal issues when I got off it. Am now on Prozac and that has been much easier on me, but everyone’s body is different.

      It’s hard that the drugs to help anxiety cause anxiety thinking about starting them. But once they are working, the payoff is so worth it.

  21. How do you respond when friend A asks you about what you’re wearing to a party at friend B’s, but you weren’t invited?

    I actually don’t mind not being invited — we couldn’t attend anyway (for reasons unknown to friend A or B) and I always feel bad turning down an invite — but I worry about phrasing my response in a way that implied that I resented not being invited.

    1. I would just say “Oh, I’m not going.” Gloss over the invited/not invited entirely.

    2. “What party is that? I don’t think we were on the invite list. What outfit are you going with?” in a happy, cheerful tone.

    3. If it were a close friend who texted me about the outfit, I would respond and say something like “Ha! I wasn’t invited! No big deal though… What at your outfit options?”, and if it were a less close friend, I would just respond as someone else suggested above and say I wasn’t going.

    4. I would say something like, “Oh, I didn’t know about it – sorry I can’t be more helpful!” Somehow to me that seems less pointed than saying I “wasn’t invited.” Perhaps the invite got lost in the mail! :) But I wouldn’t engage in further discussions about the outfit choice as some other commenters have suggested.

      1. And to be clear, I prefer this over “not going” because it does make it clearer to the asker that you weren’t invited. That way they don’t end up in an awkward situation at the party itself like commenting to the host, “What a shame that Jane couldn’t make it!”

    5. I have been there and have just been honest – first I’ve heard of it, guess I’m not invited!

  22. Any recommendations for low to mid height (3 inches or less) closed-toed heels to wear with dresses/work pants/suits that are comfortable enough with a bunion? Hoping for less than $200. I feel like I have tried so many and still cannot find a comfortable pair. Thanks in advance!

    1. No personal experience but I keep seeing ads for shoes by a company called Vivaia, where the gimmick seems to be that they are meant specifically for bunions. Looks like they have heels, too.

    2. I recently bought a pair of softwalk leather slingbacks to wear with business casual clothes at the office and they are very comfortable on my exceedingly hard to fit feet (long toes, large size, and a bunion). I’m planning to try some of their other styles next.

      Not the cutest, but also have had success with david tate pumps.

    1. Thanks for sharing. Good reminder that hyper-consumerism just comes with these costs for society that are so well hidden. Once you start really digging, it’s everywhere.

    2. This reminds me of the times people come here looking for mattress recommendations, because “they say” that you need a new mattress every five years. The only people I”ve ever heard say that are the people who sell mattresses. In fact, there was a whole series of articles on home remodeling after the 08 real estate bubble, talking about how people were now stuck in their current homes and businesses were looking to get them to upgrade the fixtures/furniture that they had.

      1. There are a ton of mattress stores in our town and I am always mystified because I’ve only bought a handful of mattresses in my life, and most of those were because I wanted a different size. My husband swears they are money-laundering operations because there can’t possibly be that many people buying mattreses!

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