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Coffee Break: Pearl Earrings

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pebble pearl earrings Oooh: these pebble pearl earrings are some of Anthropologie's Top-Rated Accessories, and I like the modern look to them. I'm not a huge fan of the simpler bar earrings that have been popular for a few years now because on me, at least, they get totally lost, but the combination of the bar plus large pearl strikes me as really fresh. They're $108 at Anthropologie. Pebble Pearl Drop Earrings This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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151 Comments

  1. I just had my first headshot with my new company, and wow, what a demoralizing experience. I’m heavier than I’ve been in a long time, but the proofs from which I had to choose made that reality more stark than one would like. And overall, the best option (and the one I had to choose, because apparently I had to choose one) makes me feel depressed and horrified that this will be my image to the world from now on. And I think the worst part of it is that this is what I actually must look like. In my mind, I look like my old headshot, which was taken maybe 6 years ago. Apparently I have to wait now for about 6 months until they come around to do photos again…. I had been dreading this all weekend, but didn’t actually think it would be this horrible. :(

    1. I just had the same experience. I am sure you look just fine, but if you really can’t deal with the photos (and I understand), can you arrange/pay for your own head shot in the style that the company dictates?

      1. Thanks! The commiseration is helpful. I don’t know if they’d let me do such a thing (I suspect they would not), but it feels silly at this point to spend money I don’t have to get my own pictures taken. However, I will be practicing my smile next time in advance, and I will ignore the guy next time if he tells me not to be so “smiley”.

        1. He sounds like a terrible photographer. A photographer should never be telling you not to smile in a headshot, unless you’re, like, an assassin or something. Next time just ignore ignore ignore (or better yet, push back and I say “I like how I look when I’m smiling, thank you”) and hopefully it will turn out better!

        2. It might not hurt to ask! I despised the head shot my firm arranged, but I had photos taken a few months later for a local magazine feature and the firm let me switch them out.

        3. Next time, you can also ask to see the pictures if they are digital…

          First smile and make friends with the photographer and admin person there and after your shots, tell them you were unhappy with previous pictures as they didn’t look like you and is it possible to see these pics on the camera to see if u needed a couple more shots?

  2. I was talking politics last night with DH and FIL–which is often a dangerous thing, because for a bunch of liberals, I seem to have fallen on the opposite side of a significant sea-change. DH is very concerned the democratic party will split again in 2020, and FIL thinks it’s the women’s voting block that will most significantly split(as though this wasn’t a huge determining factor in 2016?).

    So I’m curious, what issues would split progressive women? I have some ideas, as did the men I was talking to, but I’m more interested to hear what you all might predict.

    1. Good question. I consider myself liberal on most issues, but tend to lean more right on labor matters. I wouldn’t vote for a Republican or a third-party candidate based on this issue, but a candidate’s stance on labor issues might influence who I vote for in a primary.

      1. I will go even further — I am also not big on CFPB, etc. I’m pretty fiscally conservative.

        I would probably defer to a candidate who had successfully been a governor or big-city mayor. But we don’t seem to see any candidates that have governed before. I think we are circling the drain on state-city un- and under-funded pension liabilities (Illinois? Los Angeles?) but no one really cares about that.

        Stuff getting all of the attention: how many genders are there (I see lots of choices on forms, but sports is still starkly M and F), abortion, single-payer (in the reverse order of what I’ve listed). I see politicians trying to win the primary by seeing how far left they can go on non-social issues (the fiscal ones) and that to me seems to guarantee a loser for the general election. Sadly.

    2. I think moderates and progressives will be split by some of the social issues (reparations, #metoo, transwomen in women’s sports per this morning’s thread, anti-Semitism in the Women’s March, etc.) I don’t think these issues are going to be central by any means, but they’re just wedge enough to be prime candidates for Russia-backed amplification and division. It does worry me that natural divisions will get exacerbated by bad actors just like last time.

      1. No but there was a bit of a circular firing squad aspect. I think Bernie made H lurch too far to the left.

        1. what? she didn’t even support full abortion access (she said she would support restrictions on late term) how could she have gone any further right without being an R??

          1. Are you kidding? There is a LOT of distance between some late-term restrictions and pro-life.

    4. I consider myself moderate and I think a lot of the progressive agenda items are unrealistic. But that’s only relevant to how I’d vote in the primary. I will vote for whoever wins the Dem primary. Most people I know – progressive and moderate alike – feel the same way.

      1. I’m in the same boat. Would I love to see free college education for all? Absolutely. After I see public schools in low-income areas providing the same quality of education as high-income areas, free healthcare for all, improved veteran’s services, better public transit, the government honoring its obligations to borrowers under the public service loan forgiveness program, reduced interest rate on federal student loans, free or at least improved access to daycare/preschool, the list goes on. Don’t get me wrong, free college should absolutely be on the list. But kind of lower on the list than I’ve heard it presented.

        1. Yes, I’m especially irked by Bernie and his ilk who care about free college but not free preschool/daycare. Something like 35% of Americans have a college degree, but many more have children. And lack of good, affordable daycare really hurts women. I wish one of the female Dem candidates would really push universal daycare or at least pre-K. I’m old enough to remember when Al Gore made this a major part of his agenda in 2000.

          1. Bernie supports free pre school. Not a single other candidate does or did, including the beloved Hilary. Why is it so hard for “moderate” women to actually read his policy positions?

          2. But how can you do his? Daycare teachers are IMO horribly underpaid. Pay them more and it just becomes more unaffordable.

          3. You do it by taxing rich people and corporations at high rates, like we used to do and as most western countries do.

          4. Elizabeth Warren came out with a detailed universal daycare plan last week. It included federal subsidies and paying daycare teachers at the same level as k-12 teachers.

          6. Warren has proposed universal free daycare. I actually think that all of the major candidates will get on board with that during the primaries – whether it will actually make a difference if the democrat is elected i’m less optimistic about

          7. I’m pretty sure that daycare teachers make a lot less than college professors (especially in STEM, where six figure starting salaries as an assistant prof are the norm) so I don’t see how the cost of labor is an argument against free daycare but in favor of free college.

          9. Also with Elizabeth Warrens plan (and even AOCs tax plan), it seems to always solidly hit upper middle class class earners the most and I think a lot of us (even libs like me) are getting a little tired of supporting both the poor and ultra rich- I make a good salary, pay a ton in taxes, have a modest mortgage and daycare and it takes up basically all of our income- I’d be paying about the same amount under her plan + more in taxes.

    5. I predict that middle and upper middle class, center right women will do the exact same thing they did in 2016 and continue to preserve their status quo. I just hope that increased turnout to the left overpowers their voting block.

      1. I don’t know why you’re so fixated on this “center right women” thing as it pertains to the Democratic party (which is what the OP’s question was about). White, upperclass women overall voted for Trump, but by a smaller margin than they voted for Romney in 2012. And almost all white female Trump voters identify as Republicans. Moderate Democratic women did not hand this election to Trump.

        1. Right – I didn’t state that clearly. When I said center-right women, I meant well-to-do, quietly Republican women. What I meant to say is that Democratic women aren’t the problem here. They absolutely didn’t hand the election to Trump.

          1. I got the impression that the FIL in the OP was talking about all women not just D women, but maybe thats not true.

      2. I’m a young progressive woman and this seems like the most realistic option to – older white women with more money than me will continue to vote in higher and higher numbers for republican candidates, or possibly stay home if they don’t like their options. White women just aren’t the base of the democratic party anymore (if they ever have been? not as familiar with historical numbers as I am with current ones). I’m not sure if that will lead to a split but the (white) women’s vote will definitely continue to have a huge impact. My question is why can’t white women get on board with the new direction the democratic party is taking?

        1. Simply put, they value the advantages they get of being white more than the dislike the disadvantages of being a woman. Full stop, it’s a weighing of options and I think many have decided they can live with discrimination against women, not being paid equally, and having less bodily autonomy, along with all the other issues that affect them as women and as humans because they value their class as white women above all else, even to the detriment of society as a whole and even their own children (hello global warming). It’s terrifyingly sad, but that’s the disgusting legacy that racism has left in our country. Obviously not all white women think this way but too many do.

          I’ve never understood why it’s so hard to understand the concept of a rising tide lifts all boats but humans seem to be crabs in a barrel by nature so I probably shouldn’t be so shocked.

      3. The reading links from last week linked to an article about women in the 1%, and it showed 2% of women with high household incomes got there through their work. The rest married well. It did not cover the next tier down but if it did I bet we would see why there are a lot of wives who literally vote their pocketbooks.

        1. My mom is in one of those groups, and she’s always deferred to my dad in terms of politics because he’s the one who is actually interested in state and national politics (worked on some Congressional campaigns). I don’t think she voted for DJT but my dad sure did and I bet he’ll convince her this time.

          Basically, she gets all of her news from my dad, who gets all his news from Fox News.

    6. As a fairly liberal, minority woman I hate to say this, but the Democrats need to run a moderate white man. Probably not Bernie, maybe Biden.

      1. Yep. As much as I’d like to have a woman president, I think having a Democratic woman as the frontrunner (again) will only result in DJT getting reelected.

        At this point, I really don’t care about policy differences; I just want a decent person in the Oval Office.

      4. While Warren is my high personal favorite, I feel the same way. Just pick a personable white guy and get on with it. Beto’s fine. Let’s just Beto.

        I’m pretty liberal, but I’m far more interested in universal daycare and preK than I am in free college. I tend to describe myself as more red than green, red meaning labor.

        1. FWIW, my kids are out of the daycare years and one will be college age in 8 years. While the cost of college IS pretty crushing, I think there is a bigger societal impact in improving early childhood ed.

    7. As an older (by the standards of this site) and in no particular order:

      #MeToo. I have a lot of female friends who think the fact that Al Franken was forced to resign was ridiculous and the “every accusation is disqualifying” mindset is scary. They also tend to think ideas like affirmative consent before every s*xual contact are ridiculous and insulting to women. (My mother – who is super liberal on virtually ever other subject essentially thinks we are infantilizing women and going back to the mores of the 1950’s, probably because she grew up in the 1950’s and early 1960’s being told that the rules that kept her down were intended to protect her.)

      Abortion. I know a lot of people who are pro-choice for the first 3-4 months but not past that point (unless the fetus has a condition not compatible with life).

      Trans rights, particularly in sports past puberty and places like spas. Incredibly rare, but people get pretty up in arms.

      Preschool for all – I know way too many women who scrimped and saved to stay home with their kids and resent the idea and would prioritize other spending.

      Reparations – Totally impractical and where does it end?

      And finally (especially for women over 40), they are really tired of internet driven hyper-political correctness and what they view as completely irrational assumptions about motivations and human behavior.

      And the circular firing squad problem is very real, as is the race to win the primary by being the MOST liberal candidate.

  3. I’ve been trying to streamline/beautify my kitchen, though I wouldn’t quite go so far as to say I’m Kondo-ing it. But how the heck to I store miscellaneous cans and bottles? Apparently interior designers never cook with sauces, viengar, or oils other than two that can be kept in attractive cruets–and on the other extreme are the pantry racks that store a case at a time of Campbell’s soup. But I just buy a weeks worth of groceries at a time, and keep a half-bottle of soy sauce till the next time I need it…
    Ideas? Help? I’m completely stuck. All I have are deep dark cupboards that I have to grab a flashlight and rummage around in. And barely enough countertop for a coffeepot, knifeblock, and cuttingboard.

    1. Lazy susans! I have them in cabinets below and above. I also keep less-used spices in a deep drawer with tea; the spices stand up in a shoebox (I scribble names on top of spices) and then the tea boxes go on top of that.

    2. Have you thought of using shelf organizers that are basically clear plastic buckets? Those saved my very messy spices shelves (I have nice matching jars in a drawer for most of the powders, but then I collect all sorts of random sized things like vanilla beans, packets of dried stock, sesame seeds…). I bought 2 off Amazon (I like the Interdesign/Mdesign ones) where the sides are about 2 inches high and they fit 2 side by side on a shelf. I then fill each one with my bottles/packets. Now when I need something, I pull out the bucket and can get to things immediately.

      I’m with you on the designer thing though. Open shelving looks nice and everything, but would never work for my pantry.

      (Also, open soy sauce should go in your fridge :))

    3. One of my lower cupboards has a pull out drawer that was after market installed. I’ll rustle up a link. It has all my vinegar, oil, sauce bottles in it.

    4. I recently moved into an apartment with about the same amount of counterspace. I’m lucky enough to have a small pantry, so I keep all the oils and whatnot in the pantry on one shelf. I’m a big fan of baskets or similar for organizing so would be tempted to make a basket that’s easy to grab and put in one of the cupboards– Just enough room for salt, pepper grinder, oil, etc., that I use frequently and then just pull that out whenever I’m cooking.

      1. +1 – baskets are definitely helpful here.

        For your countertop space: if you have the $ to do it, you might consider trying to throw together one of those little rolling islands you see on pinterest. Cheap dresser, stick casters on the bottom and a slab on top, and voila. It can live in another room if necessary too, and be wheeled in when it’s cooking time. Then the stuff you use less often can live in the depths of the cupboard, and the stuff you actually need regularly is right there.

    5. We recently built sliding drawers into our pantry. It’s so wonderful to pull out a drawer and see what vinegars etc. are lurking in the back. Can you build sliding doors into your existing cabinets?

      1. This. We also installed sliding drawers and it’s great. Although I still find they descend into some disorganization so I will soon be adding clear bins to corral bottles and also possibly one or two clear lazy susan type things so I can see more/turn to look for what I need.

    6. I have a hanging rack for spices as well as a magnetic rack that hangs on the wall with loose herbs in metal containers. I use plastic baskets for goods like bags of beans and rice and onions, potatoes and garlic. Same goes for bags of pasta sides and soup mixs. I also use wire/metal shelves and hanging shelves inside my cupboards to give additional shelf space.
      Hooks are your friend. For coffee cups, for the cutting board, for pot lids. Even for bags of onions or big spoons and spatulas.
      Can you get a lighting system installed? Maybe some battery powered LEDs?

    8. I store my spices in a shoebox on a shelf in my pantry. Don’t laugh – they fit beautifully and it is very space efficient.

      1. Hah – I store mine in empty six-pack cartons. One for vinegars. One for hot sauce. One for Asian specialty sauces.

    9. I decant everything into uniform, labeled cruets and keep them on a lazy Susan, the leftovers get stored in a box on the floor in the back of the pantry. Hi to everyone who knows how extra I am in real life.

    10. I keep all the stuff I use regularly (olive oil, salt, pepper, paprika, vinegars, garlic) on a tray beside the stove. It keeps them contained to their area but also at-the-ready.

  4. I’m having a weird marriage conundrum, and I think the problem is mostly me, but I’d appreciate insight into how to focus the marriage counseling sessions I signed us up for.

    Husband and I both work full-time and have two kids under 4. He does WAY more than his half of the household– 90% of the laundry, 95% of the cooking, all the dishes, extra child-minding so I can go to the occasional moms meetup and to church every Sunday, plus he lets me sleep in both weekend mornings when the kids get up at 6am. He remembers to pay the mortgage and bring the diaper bag to the restaurant and when it is dress-up day at day care; he is fully present for the mental and physical household stuff, even more than me most days.

    Problems: he never says anything nice! ANYTHING. We always had a joke-y, banter-y relationship before, but suddenly post-kids I am so needled that everything– and I mean everything– must be a joke. We rarely talk seriously and I don’t think he has given me a genuine compliment in three years. I’ve fallen into a weird habit where honestly I’m overspending on clothes and housewares so I get compliments from other people, and I generally think I’m awesome, so I can’t pin down why this bugs me so much. He also hates present-buying, though when he does give in (which is only when I insist, I’m trying to teach the kids the fun of generosity so I told him we need to start doing birthdays/mother’s day/father’s day/Christmas), he gets me thoughtful things (but he did get really mad over me insisting on a mother’s day present this year.) It’s like we’re really solid day-to-day but nothing is ever… special. He doesn’t want to spend the money for date nights (we don’t have family nearby and babysitters add $60 to any escape), I’m saying sweet things but he isn’t, he wants to opt out of holidays… it makes every day seem so flat to me.

    So I signed us up for counseling. He said the only thing he wants out of it is for the counselor to tell him how to compliment me so it doesn’t sound insincere and make him feel awkward. I’m trying to figure out how I can describe what I want, and how I’d be satisfied, without sounding like an unappreciative ahole. It’s annoying to me that I even care about this. All my friends complain about their husbands basically… being me (sleeping in, not doing household tasks). My husband insists on doing basically everything “in exchange” for not saying nice things, but I’d rather do some dishes and get told I’m pretty occasionally? Each time I try to talk about it, he puts something else on his own plate that isn’t the thing I want, and I can’t figure out how to pin that down for the counselor… EAP only pays for six sessions so I’d appreciate any advice.

    1. Just to clarify, you’re not spending on clothes etc. in order TO get compliments, you’re spending, and then people compliment you on the things?

      1. I guess so– I just really put that together last week. I’ve been getting tons of new clothes, redecorating, etc., and I just started thinking… why? We rarely have people over and work is business casual. But people have been oohing and aahing over our new playroom and my new clothes and I realize it’s giving me a jolt of pride that I’m not getting from him. It all feels kind of narcissistic! I’m proud of myself so I don’t know why I need so badly to hear that he is proud of me or thinks I’m gorgeous or whatever.

    2. Have you read about love languages? It sounds like his is Acts of Service and yours may be Words of Affirmation. I haven’t read the books in a long time and think it has a Christian angle, but even without that, it’s very helpful for seeing how people show love versus how they receive it (which is often different).

      Reading your first paragraph, in my marriage I have often been your husband– the one who does everything. When I am the one who does everything, I am annoyed at my husband and do not have anything nice to say to him. Is it possible this is how your husband feels? It’s a little confusing that he “insists” on doing these things so he doesn’t have to say nice things to you– that is weird. But later in your post where you say your friends complain about their husbands being you– that’s how I have felt in the past about my husband, and when I feel that way, I’m hard pressed to say anything nice to him because I’m basically doing everything for him and I feel resentful.

      1. That’s what I keep thinking! I keep trying to pick up more around the house so he’ll have something to say nice things… about? But he really insists that this is some kind of twisted trade– he’ll basically do anything he can to keep me happy, extra sleep and laundry included, except… the one thing that would make me happy. I would be delighted to take 25% off his plate and just have us mutually appreciate each other, but instead we’re trapped in a weird loop of our own making where we seem to know each other’s love languages (we did read it! His is acts of service and mine is the words of affirmation thing) but we both keep insisting on using our own language on the other person, if that makes sense. He actually gets kind of annoyed if I do more around the house because then he isn’t getting the chance to “make up” to me that he won’t give me compliments. (His take: he likes it if I do things for him but only if I do them super secretly and never mention them so that he never knows I did them. Which… okay but then how do you know I did them?) Maybe I can just tell the therapist that we’re really talking past each other. Or try to come up with ways that I can do things for him without him feeling beholden in return afterwards. He just feels so bad that he hates doing this one thing that I need that he’s totally overcompensating, and honestly probably burning himself out a bit, and it’s still not what I want so I think we’re both unhappy (he says he is not unhappy FWIW).

        1. Did he SAY he doesn’t want to give you compliments? That would bother me, that he doesn’t find anything worth complimenting in you. Or is that just your assumption because he doesn’t want to take anything off your plate? How is your s*x life? Does he pay you compliments in bed at least?

          1. He does say that! Explicitly! At least we can talk honestly about that part, we’re just at a total impasse about it. He just finds it excruciatingly uncomfortable, although he insists he doesn’t find me uncomplimentable (?). He is definitely attracted to me, gardening is fine, but very nonverbal expressions of desire. He definitely respects me as an equal partner and I think he thinks I’m smart and funny… he just feels like when he says it, it sounds weird and he hates doing it. Apparently since he told me I’m pretty back in 2008 I should just assume that stands if he doesn’t say otherwise (where is my eyeroll emoji here.) Truly I don’t think he told me I looked pretty on our wedding day, no push present after a really dangerous pregnancy even though I told him I’d like something to commemorate it– he has always been this way. It didn’t used to bother me, but now it does, and per him that’s the only thing that has changed. He says he feels really guilty about it, but I feel like if he did he would try harder, so we’re a little stuck. It’s truly weird to be communicating so openly about it and still be stuck– he is definitely saying out loud that he doesn’t want me to do more housework or child care, he just doesn’t want me to need this and accept all the mental/physical labor as an exchange. But he does want me to be happy. Writing all this makes me want to murder him a little even though he is generally great.

          2. I too think this is a love language mismatch. I too am a Words of Affirmation person married to an Acts of Service person. And there just isn’t a lot you can do to make an Acts of Service person give compliments, because they see forced compliments as insincere and they truly do think “actions speak louder than words so when I diaper the baby / take out the garbage / cook the dinner / participate fully in the household, that’s more of an act of love than just telling you that you look pretty today.” That’s not to say they don’t think you look pretty, it’s just that because being told that doesn’t resonate with them, it’s hard for them to realize it doesn’t resonate with you. My husband seems to see my needs in this area as being “high maintenance” and it did take therapy for him to realize I was pretty much normal (within my particular love language), so we have met in the middle.

        2. One thing that came to mind….. Did your husband grow up in a family that was not very affectionate? Or perhaps…. Abusive?

          My childhood was emotionally stark. I never remembered hearing anything loving between my parents. I was actively discouraged from showing any Emotion….. Holiday times were very depressing. Never happy.

          As a result, I cannot naturally say the kinds of things that you wish your husband would say to you. I can feel them, and the love in my heart sometimes makes it want to break. But force me to say these things is more than I can bare…. I also have a love language like your husband. I will do anything for the people I love. So I understand him so much…..

          Also, could your husband be on the Asperger’s spectrums? I have a relative who is and is also just like your husband….including getting irritated I’d you try to help more.

          1. And unfortunately, giving or receiving gifts, can be painful for me….because of my childhood. You can only understand if you’ve lived it.

          2. No, which is where I don’t understand where this is coming from– his parents are loving and painfully Cleaveresque. His dad is incredibly passive and quiet and his mom does whatever she wants, and I think he’s expecting us to recreate that (I’m assertive, he’s quiet), but he seemed surprised when I pointed out that his dad gets his mom elaborately expensive gifts (not that I need pricey ones) and cheerfully goes along with things like museum visits that he clearly finds boring, but for her sake. I do think he has undiagnosed social anxiety– the man will not use a non-self-checkout, will not ask where an item is in the store, and will trade me nine tasks in order not to make a phone call to someone like a plumber.

          3. That degree of social anxiety does not sound like a small thing. Does he function well in his full time job?

      2. I think this ^ nails down why your husband is feeling the way he does. He’s burnt out and feels like he is already doing so much and now more is being asked of him. Seeing that can help you come from a place of understanding at counseling. The other thing you can do (beyond starting from a place of understanding) is to speak to what it is you want. If I am reading you, it sounds like you miss being the partner to your husband and feel more like roommates or co-parents or two people who work at this parenting job together. I think it sounds like you miss the romance! Both of these perspectives are understandable. And I think there’s a compromise in here – for you, you focus less on getting compliments and more on the relationship between the two of you (focus on the relationship first and then naturally you will focus on him and him on you). For him, it has to be an understanding that the relationship between the two of you has to take priority. Hire a babysitter – you are already doing the counseling, so don’t give your marital relationship short shrift. It’s an investment in your relationship and your lives, and it’s likely the counselor will recommend you do some things for each other and for yourselves from time to time anyway.

        Note that I am not a parent yet, but I have seen a lot of parental relationships deteriorate because the focus was only on the kids and all the stress that brings — the parents completely starved their relationship and thus grew resentful that their own needs weren’t met or even acknowledged.

      3. I think you both need to read Love Languages. He to understand your need for “words of affirmation” and yours to understand his “acts of service”. It sounds like you’re ‘speaking’ to each other but not ‘understanding’ the other’s language?

    3. Is he like, resentful that he does most of the work and hasn’t said anything about it?
      I think in therapy a lot more will come out than him complimenting you more. It sounds like the problem is communication in general.

    4. I’d print out what you wrote here, take it to the counseling session, and read it to the counselor and your husband. It’s the counselor’s job from there to pin it down. Can I add that, reading between the lines, it appears that here are some things you are feeling but you aren’t coming out and saying plainly to your husband:

      * I want you to make me feel desired and special.
      * I feel special when you voluntarily give me presents.
      * I value gift-giving and think generosity is fun; I want you to value them like I do and get on the same page with me [good luck with this one].
      * I want you to say things to me that make me feel good. I am frustrated when you say that makes you feel insincere. I want you to want to tell me what I want to hear. That would make me feel special. I don’t feel loved.
      * I’m worried about our relationship. We don’t seem to connect anymore. We don’t talk on a level that makes me feel like you know me, like me, or want to spend time with me. This makes me unhappy and sad. I want more of your heart and less of your doing the chores.
      * Because we aren’t connected emotionally, the jokes rub me the wrong way. What are they covering up?

    5. LOVE LANGUAGES. This is such a textbook mismatch of love languages! He’s showing you how much he loves you by being an amazing partner (acts of service); you want compliments and special occasions (words of affirmation). Grab the book, read it cover to cover, cheaper and easier than therapy.

    6. So, I do not have kids yet, so I do not have the same situation with my husband, but I see quite a bit of us in this situation. When me and my husband have gone through similar periods like this, it has been because he has some sort of serious concern/worry that he does not think he can talk to me about. He generally gets kind of moody and handles more things around the house but kind of withdraws from me. This has happened before he decided he needed a new job, when he wasn’t sure how to talk to me about his father’s terminal illness, and when we were having some financial issues.

      Also, not to be blunt, but is everything ok moneywise? You say that having a babysitter is too much but that you are shopping more, which seems counterintuitive.

      1. It sounds like he feels taken advantage of and unappreciated. You show your appreciation by wisely and prudently handling the household finances.

      2. Yes, the babysitter thing is weird. He HATES spending money on himself in any way– truly he gets two haircuts a year, I finally talked him into pants without holes, etc. But he doesn’t mind me spending money on myself or the kids. For some reason babysitter falls under “us” which falls under “him” even though I think some date time would help this a lot.

    7. Do you have time to get in for an individual session before your joint sessions start? Seems like it might be helpful to narrow the focus and identify issues.

      Also, I second the love languages book. I’m generally put off by religious-leaning books when it’s not central to the point (and think I remember being slightly annoyed with the book for that reason?) but it has been a very helpful tool in discussing what makes some feel loved and how that can (justifiably) vary widely from one person to another.

    8. Boiled down this seems like three issues:
      1) Completely different love languages and working under the false but common assumption that the way you show love is the same way others should be shown love. He’s clearly an “acts of service” guy and you’re clearly a “gifts” + “words of affirmation” woman. I think there is a fundamental misunderstanding of this concept for both of you guys that is easily worked out in counseling, so long as you both are open to showing love the way the other will most appreciate it/like to be shown love. Part of loving someone is small but selfless acts like showing and telling someone what they need to feel that love back.
      2) On the constant jokes, Life isn’t a series of hard or serious conversations. If you want to talk about something serious just sit him down with a “this is a serious moment” or he’ll just default to the lighter conversation (I think that’s very common, some people aren’t naturally very serious).
      3) Express for him your desire to try new things, travel, spend quality time with him. Frame it as investing in your relationship – unless you are destitute, not everything needs to fall into a “that money could be spent better elsewhere”. Spending money doing new things has a pay out – a stronger relationship. If he’s not willing, it may be the price of admission and you may need to have an outlet to try new things without your husband, which is perfectly fine and a good thing to discuss in counseling. It’s a good opportunity to introduce the kids to new things in any case.

    9. Like a couple of others have mentioned, this seems like a love languages issue. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

    10. Thanks all! We did read love languages a while ago– and some of you are right that we are stuck in loop of doing for each other what we want for ourselves, except he’s turning down my attempts at acts of service because he doesn’t want to do the affirmation part. We’ve talked about it a lot and he does feel guilty about it but saying nice things instead of making fun of me makes him SO uncomfortable that it is really starting to make me angry in return– I’m losing my ability to give him the benefit of the doubt that he wants to reconnect with banter, so I’m starting to snap about not saying anything if he can’t say something nice. So maybe the therapist can help him get better at accepting my acts graciously instead of insisting on this tit-for-tat that I don’t want and can help me get better starting the acts without the expectation of reciprocation… honestly I’ve quit trying the past few months on the service front because he refuses to change his part and I’m like well, I’m not doing all the laundry AND not getting any compliments. He is definitely not resentful about the workload, he just insists on this exchange that I don’t like. I don’t think I have a particularly healthy attitude about that, hence the counseling. I think writing it down here helped me come up with some talking points for the first session at least!

      1. Wait he makes fun of you? That’s not what I got out of your original comment. It’s not cool to do the middle school poking fun of people thing when you’re an adult. It’s definitely not cool to do that to your wife. And it’s most certainly not cool to do it once you’ve been asked to knock it off. He says it’s “uncomfortable” for him to say nice things instead of some jerky “joke” no gtfo. I would start like carrying an air horn and blow it at him every time he says something gross. Ok maybe not an air horn because you have small children but something almost as obnoxious.

      2. What kind of banter are we talking about here? I can get irritated at my husband because he’s much more “jokey” than I am, but the jokes are never aimed at me as a person. This seems like something really different.

    11. I guess I have a different take than everyone else. Your husband voluntarily does 90% of the housework and childcare. I think you should be grateful and not expect heaps of verbal praise on top of that.

      1. She said he makes fun of her though. Not wanting your spouse to make fun of you is different from wanting heaps of praise. And also – once he’s said mean things, yeah he’s got a whole lotta work to do to reverse that. If you make one “joke” that I’m ugly, you better be prepared to spend the next month telling me how beautiful I am.

        1. She didn’t say that in the OP. I agree the follow up posts make him sound a lot worse.

      2. I get where you are coming from! It’s really a diamond shoes are too tight situation, except… the shoes are too tight and they hurt. I definitely tell him all the time how much I appreciate what he does (seriously… I thank him every time he does the dishes, he’s like “please stop.”) I am definitely not leaving him over this. It’s just frustrating because I think we would both be happier if I took over the laundry and he told me how hilariously funny I am.

        1. If this is the case- can you just take over a category? I often fall into the trap of feeling like I’m doing everything– so to deal with that, certain things are my husbands job. They may not be done how often I want, or exactly how I want them to be done, and that’s on me to let go- but I don’t have to mentally worry about it- it’s his job (ex- washing all laundry & bringing it upstairs (I fold it all), or taking out the trash & recycling).

          1. Also, I am your husband when it comes to gifts- I really hate getting them and am
            Annoyed in general that no one seems to respect that. For holidays, I tell my husband to buy something for himself that he’s been eyeing guilt free (he is a natural collector and loves *things* in a way I don’t understand, but have come to accept). Holidays feel special to me because of the special things we do together and traditions we have built- I wish the *stuff* would just dissapear.

    12. Is he depressed? Overwhelmed? I ask because it seems like this is a big change in his behavior – not that he’s just always been like this. He’s withdrawn from you emotionally, won’t have a real conversation with you, is constantly brushing you off in a weird jokey way, and he’s taking on All The Things to keep himself so busy that he doesn’t have to engage with you, and he refuses to take even one night every once in a while to unwind. Now he hopes therapy will teach him how to have some weird affect – how to compliment you and sound like he means it – rather than hoping that it helps you both to communicate better. I do not think this is just a love languages issue, it seems like something is really going on with him. I don’t really have much advice but I would be very concerned about him.

      1. Hmm it didn’t really sound like a change to me. Maybe the date night thing is new, but date nights before kids aren’t really necessary, because (to be blunt) every night is date night. So that doesn’t sound like a dramatic personality change to me.

      2. +1

        Agree that he may have some worsening anxiety/depression and is not effectively coping. I worry he will reach a breaking point soon, already doing so much at home + work + marriage stress (which I suspect he feels too).

        And please….this is a serious issue that could be marriage ending and involve his health. It will not be fixed in 6 sessions of (free) therapy. Why can people spend hundreds/?thousands on new clothes and remodeling your house and you aren’t willing to spend $$ on the most important things in your life that actually matter? If he has severe anxiety he would really benefit from therapy on his own….

        Sorry for the kick in the butt. Didn’t mean to be harsh. I just have some friends right now who really need therapy and who say they can’t afford it…yet somehow have plenty of money for travel, going out, clothes etc…. If you have health insurance through work you are lucky and probably have lower than my $6000 deductible. But your marriage is worth more than $6000, I think.

        1. Cosign therapy and other needed treatment for mental health and relationship issues. And cheap/free therapy is usually not helpful, and yes, it’s because the really good practitioners can charge out of network rates, etc. Not saying there are not good therapists in network, just that they’re way harder to find.

        2. Okay I’m not spending thousands on new clothes, but yes, I agree it might not get fixed in the free therapy. Really I’m hoping that’s a gateway into individual therapy and/or meds for him– he will not bring up depression on his own with his doc, nor the social anxiety. He does fine at work (but he is a scientist, and his whole lab is full of stereotypes) and is constantly being promoted/praised there but I know he finds work stressful. I’m expecting he’ll be resistant to this though… he doesn’t like medicine (ridiculous, he is a scientist, I have no patience for this) and if he doesn’t want to spend more than $30 per year on haircuts then I do not have high hopes that he’ll spend money out of pocket on… talking. I am secretly hoping that the therapist says HMM DEEPER ISSUES and that he takes him or her more seriously than me, but I also suspect that my exasperation with the whole issue could be tempered.

          (I should note that he does make fun of me but not… meanly? He would NEVER call me ugly. Truly there is nothing spiteful there, and I think he thinks making fun of the number of packages outside, for example, is funny because we both know I’m a spender and he’s a saver and we’re mutually acknowledging this. And I used to think it was funny too! But since he never does anything to acknowledge that the stuff I’m buying is maybe 40% for me and 60% for us/the kids, and a lot of it is meticulously researched ways to make our lives better (yaktrax because we live where it is icy! Book about our son’s special needs!) that I’m getting cranky in situations like this because he is not appreciating, or least not verbally, that while he does the laundry/dishes/day-to-day, I am the one doing all the big/one-time things like choosing day cares, making changes at open enrollment, doing our taxes, etc. So even when there is an opening to say something like “thanks for considering seventeen types of play cube for our children and choosing one so I don’t have to” instead I get “har har you ladies buying so many things” and then I just want to smack him and he thinks I’ve totally lost my sense of humor.)

          1. I hear your frustration on the researching stuff, but you don’t have to stress about play cubes. Maybe your husband legitimately doesn’t think that’s time well spent (and you may certainly disagree). OTOH having a special needs child is a major stress on a couple (I unfortunately know from experience) and this is also something to consider – maybe your husband is hiding in simple repetitive housework to avoid engaging this big overwhelming issue? Hang in there.

          2. What if you reframe it as appreciation or observation or gratitude instead of “compliments?” Maybe as a starting point, you could ask him to say things like “I see that you bought the play cube. Thank you.” Or maybe it’s “I observe that you researched the cameras and made a choice. Thank you.” Doesn’t have to be fake. It’s pure social observation.

            Another option: my kids and I go around the table at dinner and do roses, thorns, and buds. A rose is something great that happened; a thorn is something hard; and a bud is something you’re hopeful for. It’s been great to help all of us articulate the things that give us joy and talk more deeply. We also do “gratefuls” where we go around the table and everyone says one thing they are grateful for. I love this practice and it’s been so good for our family.

            Finally, I also do the shopping in our household but have started referring to myself as the chief procurement officer. When my husband makes noise about Amazon boxes (which is really, really rare), I just tell him that if he wants to do the research, then he can be the CPO and make sure that we always have toilet paper in stock.

    13. Why would he complement you? You don’t contribute to the house! Maybe start washing dishes and get your tush out of bed and bring the kids to church and he will have enough energy to tell you that you’re pretty.

    14. I’m a bit late but wanted to comment since he actually reminds me a bit of my dad, who is also a scientist and his biggest personality flaw is that he treats people as a series of tasks to be completed/a list of obligations to fulfill and he is always surprised when it turns out that people are complex creatures with varying emotions and fluctuating moods. He has a hard time understanding why, when he has checked what he thinks should be all the boxes, the response from the other person is not what he expects it to be. Could there be some element of this at play with your husband? I think hearing from a neutral third party that you’re not a checklist of tasks could go a long way, as long as he is open to listening to the therapist.

    15. Think about if the roles were reversed, and it were a wife doing 90% of everything while both partners also work full time, and her husband was complaining, say, that they didn’t garden enough. I think the solution most posters on here would give would be to say, duh, pick up some of that 90%, you can’t expect to run your partner ragged AND have them garden with you/compliment you too. Something’s got to give. If you take a few “must dos” off your partner’s plate, that will free up energy and mental space for him to do yet another task that he doesn’t necessarily want to do but would be more open to if they have more energy.

      The more I think about it, the more the gardening/complimenting analogy seems to fit, and the more unreasonable you’re being. Again, if some guy came into the comments and said, “My wife works full time and does 90% of the housework which is great and all, but she doesn’t garden with me regularly! What should I do?” He would be rightfully pilloried.

  5. Anyone have any good ways to get a personal fax #? eFax seems to be for pay only.

    1. Not free but I use R*ngCentral (with an i instead of the *) for my solo firm. Don’t particularly love it but it gets the job done and was the cheapest option for low (very very low) volume when I looked three years ago. No idea if that is still the case.

  6. Any recs for the right kind of bulb to use in a small walk-in closet? I have a walk-in that is maybe 4 feet square, but only about 2 feet square of standing room minus the shelves. It has a socket for a single bulb in the middle of the ceiling. I have what I think is a 100W equivalent CFL bulb (the spiral kind) in there now but it feels too dark. Should I go to an LED bulb? If so, what kind would be best? I tried a flood-light type LED in there which didn’t work because it only threw light downwards (it was an extra bulb from something else), and I need multi-directional light. Or should I just leave it and get some battery powered LED strips?

  7. I’m writing an opinion piece on a policy matter. I’ve worked at one firm where I routinely handled issues addressed in the piece. My other work has barely touched on these issues. I don’t currently practice in this area or at the same firm.

    Do you see anything wrong with writing, “in my experience as a [weird niche] lawyer, many clients want an xyz clause in their contracts, unless the jurisdiction has abc rule.”

    There are thousands of companies across many industries that use lawyers for my weird niche and I’m not disclosing client names/descriptions. However, some may see wanting xyz, as some of my clients wanted, as greedy.

    Is this disclosure too indiscreet?

    1. What about “Some companies prefer an xyz clause in their contracts for lmnop reasons. Others may need a [different type of clause] if, for example, the jurisdiction has an abc rule.”?

    2. Maybe you should couch it as “I often recommend” rather than “many clients want” – it shifts the perspective so it sounds like you’re sharing your trade secrets instead of your clients’.

  8. Anyone want to help me pick out drink coasters? I have a large, white, U-shaped desk and have noticed that many people carry a coffee cup or large beverage around the office with them. When colleagues stop in, they hold their cup rather than put it on my white desk. (I don’t care if it leaves a ring, but my clean office and desk probably make it look like I do!)

    My office is all gray and white; some black and some brown wood accents. I’d like a set with a holder I can perch near my guest-side of the “U”. Don’t care if they are colored, clear, etc. I only drink water, so have no idea if there are coaster pet peeves. Budget $50ish? Not sure whether to do glass, plastic, etc.

    1. Doesn’t answer your question and I think coasters would make a nice addition to a desk, but I tend to hold my coffee when I visit others’ offices because it gives me something to do with my hands.

      1. Same.
        My current coasters on my desk are the remnants from my bathroom marble install. When I learned they were going to throw them away, I asked they be cut in square-ish pieces.

    2. I’d just get some you think are pretty and not worry about anyone’s coaster pet peeves. I would get some black agate/geode coasters from etsy. If those are too sparkly/fancy, Amazon has simple thirstystone coasters that would be fine.

    4. “Coaster pet peeves” sound about as trivial as “is this water bottle professional enough.” Get whatever coasters suit your particular taste. Done.

  9. Finally hopped on the Instant Pot bandwagon yesterday, and am already amazed by the thing. I’ve had steel cut oats lingering in the back of my pantry and I can’t believe how fast they cooked while I watched the Oscars and paid zero attention. I’m excited to try some of my favorite Pinch of Yum soups and stews. What are your current favorite sources for instant pot recipes, or favorite specific recipes?

    1. I love Pinch of Yum and also use a lot of Nom Nom Paleo’s IP recipes (though often eating with sides that are not paleo and using butter instead of ghee, etc.)

      If you eat meat, my favorite feature is that you can cook frozen meat in the IP, as long as it’s not, like, a 5 lb completely frozen roast or something. But frozen chicken thighs, a pound of ground beef, and similarly sized meat is no problem.

      Also you didn’t ask this, but my biggest IP pet peeve is that oftentimes a recipe or an individual will say that chili “cooks in 15 minutes.” What they mean is that it’s 15 mins at pressure, and it often takes 10-15 minutes to come to pressure, then if you do the natural release, you add another 10 minutes or whatever on the end. Still not long, and super easy and wonderful, but just be mindful that you might not walk in from work and be eating chili within 15 mins.

      1. As a trick, you can turn the IP on the sauté mode while you prep everything to toss in there. Pre-heating the pot like this can reduce the amount of time it takes to come to pressure.

    2. I have a google doc of instant pot recipes/tips that I send newbies if you want to give me a burner email to send it to. I totally agree with the above pet peeve of the fake time allotment. Melissa Clark’s second instant pot cookbook, Comfort in an Instant, is great. I actually like better than her first. Serious eats, Nom Nom Paleo, 40 Aprons, Pinch of Yum, 101 Cookbooks are all go to blog places for good recipes.

    3. If you like Indian Food, I highly recommend Urvashi Pitre’s website Two Sleevers and also her cookbook.
      Dad Cooks Dinner is also another great website for soups and stews.
      My favorite uses for the Instant Pot, though, is to use it to make basics that I can keep in the fridge for easier meals later- yogurt, beans, rice, grains, etc.

      1. Her butter chicken recipe was the reason I bought my IP and it is just as good as the reviews say it is!

    5. Risotto is much easier to make when you don’t have to stand st the stove stirring for 30 minutes!

  10. People who are more savvy about home stuff than me — is there a big difference in quality between lights (like overhead pendants or sconces) from a “Fancy” store vs. “amazon” vs. wayfair, etc? I’m so overwhelmed by choices and have styles that I like but can’t tell if I’m paying for actual functionality vs. marketing etc. Any tips would be great! Thanks!

    1. Oh, no, no difference at all! The wiring that goes into light fixtures is all the same for safety, so you’re just paying for the design. If we were talking about crystal chandelier, maybe. But for pendant lighting for the rest of us? Pick out whatever you like from whatever mass retailer you like and move on with your life. A light fixture will go out of style light years (get it?) before quality becomes an issue.

      1. Eh, at some point the quality IS different. We went through Hampton Bay ceiling lights from HD like water (fortunately they kept failing within their warranty period) before finally buying a fixture that was $200 rather than $75 and not having to touch it for… 5 years and counting. Some brands that charge $$$ are really $$ quality, though — like Pottery Barn.
        If you’re paying close attention, the glass may be thicker/better quality on more expensive fixtures, and the design may be more thoughtful (like clever ways to disguise how it is attached to the wall vs. visible screws on the side), and the finish may have more luster.

    2. I got mine from Amazon like 5 years ago and I’m still happy with them. My BF at the time knew how to install them, though.

    3. Functionally they’re lights, and they’re UL lusted or something so they’re safe.

      The difference is in the finishes. Last month I bought sconces from wayfair for $60 that looked like good dupes for $200 ones from shades of light I’ve been eyeing. The $60 ‘brass’ ones were spray painted ‘brass’ and overall just looked cheaper. So I returned them. But they would be at eye level in my living room. I’ve boyght other things from wayfair and they’ve been great for what I needed.

    4. I think the biggest difference is customizability- I recently spent ~200 on a rail light system- I also priced out a rail system that was exactly the right size/shape/color scheme and would match pendants and other fixtures from the company at ~1600.

  11. We are remodeling our kitchen and bath to make them more accessible (K is 20+ years old and the cabinets are falling apart; B is 40 years old and perhaps only a 6-year-old could use the toilet comfortably).

    What things should we look for — all I have on my list is:
    soft-close drawers
    no glass-front cabinets (or fewer — we have clutter and glass front only works for a tidy cabinet of plates)
    need clear paths through kitchen (has bad pinch point in traffic now, cannot get a basic walker through)
    granite/quartz for counters (not marble b/c it seems to stain / not be so durable)
    get backsplashes

    Good places to look for what materials / styles to use?

    I don’t want to be the last person who adds in a farmhouse sink before they go passe.
    Houzz is good for ideas, but seems to be for people with $$$ and not clear as to practicality of ideas.

    1. So fun! Get under cabinet lighting! And charging station if your kitchen is also a place where you end up with a lot of gadgets with no good place to go.

    2. If you can afford it, you want a design-build contractor that will walk you through every step of the process from beginning to end and present attractive design options. Fwiw, I was convinced by my contractor to upgrade to soft-close drawers and I think they were a waste of money. I don’t hate them, but I don’t think they were worth the $$$.

      1. I did not know this. They are hugely more expensive? Everyone else is a slammer (I’m not but I’m tired on it).

        1. Depends on your definition of hugely but it was about $150 more for each drawer/cabinet, so it ended up being over $2000 for the whole kitchen, which wasn’t insignificant to me (our entire kitchen remodel was $45k). I think this would have been worth it for resale (they are expected in higher end kitchens) but this is our forever home so I’m not too concerned about that.

          1. Also, you can add the soft-close mechanism yourself for very little money (or have a handyman do it) if it’s something that’ll truly make a difference for resale.

    3. I would just make sure the space is as functional as possible. Make sure you can stand comfortably at the counter without bumping your head on the cabinet above (a problem in my badly designed rental kitchen), make sure there’s enough drawer space and space for odd size items, make sure the sink is big enough to wash a baking sheet or a big roasting pan comfortably, etc. Function is way more important than the minor details IMHO.

    4. Pullouts in all your bottom cabinets, including pull-out trash. We have a place to store sheet pans vertically over the oven and it’s very handy. We have a warming drawer in our kitchen and I love it. If you entertain a lot, consider a second dishwasher. I’m not kidding — I would give my right hand for one and am considering sacrificing a lower cabinet to make it happen!

      LIGHTING! Make sure you have plenty of light over the work areas.

      1. +1000 on the second dishwasher. If you host the extended family for holiday gatherings or if you love to entertain, a second dishwasher is a godsend!

    5. Comfort height toilets are important. For showers, there are accessories that are grab bars but look like shampoo shelves. Not glamorous, but accessible.

    6. We pulled out a bathtub and did a big shower enclosure with a tile bench, a grab bar, and a hose attachment for the shower. I would not have thought of the bench but it’s been really helpful.

    7. We just redid our kitchen :)
      Be thoughtful about how many plugs you want & were… our kitchen designer didn’t have enough put in and I went back and had them put more in & super glad I did.
      I LOVE my hot water & filtered water tap on my sink.
      Don’t let anyone talk you into marble- I was SO hung up on this, but ended up going with Cambria (expensive) and it’s gorgeous, and every time I touch something down on it, I tg it won’t stain like marble.
      If you live in a cold weather climate… I wish I would have gotten floor warmers.
      Make sure the hinges on the cabinets don’t connect directly to plywood (like the ikea ones do)- they will wear over time & be difficult to replace.
      I wish I would have gotten more drawers.
      I did end up getting glass on 2 upper cabinets and love it— plenty of cabinets to hide stuff in, but making those 2 with glass really make the whole thing look so much lighter.

      1. We also did our bathroom- things I love- XL large cast iron bathtub w/ glass doors, removable shower head (which I spent $$$ on and LOVE), shower XL tile nooks to store xl bottles in, make sure the medicine cabinet is big enough (I went w/ the cheapy one & should have upgraded), brushed nickle is better than stainless steel (the stainless steel is always spotty and it drives me bonkers), agree on comfort height toilet w/ and pick a model w/ a soft close cover. While the walls were open, we also upgraded some piping that would have needed to do later on down the line as well.

        1. I also really like Emily Henderson for inspiration and was able to find similar styles at Lowe’s and Home Depot for nearly everything.

    8. I love the touch fixture in my kitchen sink. Excellent for washing dirty hands without gunking up the fixtures.

      Also, best money spent in my kitchen was on pullouts in most lower cabinets and a lazy susan in our corner cabinet.

      We will transition from granite to solid surface when we renovate because the granite never stays clean.

      Also, consider a larger disposer in the sink, even if it means you have to have an outlet out in under the sink. I am pretty sure th that disposer could pulverize concrete! Worth it!

      Last item – custom pantry. We definitely have maximized our storage space with custom designed shelving, baskets, and corrals. Basically it tripled the amount of space we had in our pantry and I am happy every time I can find exactly what I need in it without hunting around!

  12. I love my fleece tights but I’ve started to wear more flats and have noticed that my tights bunch near my ankles/toes/tops of my feet. I’m a slim, short-torso’d 5’6″ – I shop in the regular section but am wondering if my legs are too long or thin for the size I’m wearing? Any suggestions?

    1. If your tights are bunching they might be too long for your legs, not the other way around.

      1. Yes, I don’t know why you would think bunching would mean they are too *short* for you. That doesn’t make any sense.

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