Thursday’s Workwear Report: Phoebe Jersey Dress

262 Comments

1. Have you ever applied for a job and had second thoughts because of someone? I have been working in Europe and was planning on moving back to the US this year. My dilemma is that my contract here recently ended so I do need to find a new position, I was recently contacted my HR from the organisation in the US I applied to sometime back. My hesitation is because of a budding relationship with someone I have known as a friend. This is very new and of course could succeed or not. I have always prioritized my career but lately I have started feeling an emptiness in my personal life. My last serious relationship ended when I was 33, I have been single since then except for a fling here and there, I turned 40 this year. I have tried online dating and not gotten anywhere.Finding a relationship has also been hard because of frequent moves, I moved frequently for jobs. Ideally I would like to stay longer and see where this goes, with this guy we have a lot in common, and he is the first person I have had in my life in ages who seems like he would be interested in a relationship and settling down. I know leaving would mean everything ends–we both have had negative experiences with long distance relationships and for something so new I don’t know if that would work. Advice?

   1. I wouldn’t turn down for an important career opportunity for a guy unless I was sure he was The One, but it doesn’t sound like you have a specific opportunity in the US. I think it’s completely reasonable to stay in Europe and see where this goes.

   2. Something to consider would be the whole picture this relationship is evolving in. If you’re unemployed and stressed out, the relationship may not do well either. So I would prioritize looking for new employment, and see if you can focus on the location you are now.

   3. I would definitely investigate this new job possibility, as well as looking locally where you are now. Finding out more isn’t committing to moving. I wouldn’t pass up at least considering a move while a relationship is so new.

   4. Can you afford to stay longer in Europe without a job? I get it, and I don’t want you to deprive yourself of exploring a relationship that may turn into something amazing, but please put yourself and your financial needs first. That being said it is OK to deprioritize your job. Truly. Especially when your job is keeping you from being able to get into a relationship. It may be time to change priorities. But again, keep clear goals in your head. Don’t be dating someone who has no idea where the relationship will go or just wants to keep it casual while you put off applying to jobs, etc. Sometimes a change is a good thing. Proceed with optimistic caution? Check your gut everyday. Your life is yours and your life is not all about your career. Being able to pay bills is important though, etc.

      1. OP here: I am definitely not putting off applying to jobs.I was still sending out applications today. Just considering a focus on jobs near where I am or in Europe generally. What I am reconsidering is a move back to the US right now and I would of course move back if I don’t get anything here. I do have unemployment benefits here but of course would prefer to use that as a short term safety net before I get a job.

      2. I can’t speak to your situation, other than to mention that my mom has always told me (from experience), “Don’t move for a guy.” And for me, my mom has always, ALWAYS been right. I appreciate that may not speak to your exact situation (and you’d stay rather than move!), nor to the difficulty in finding someone. Just something that has always resonated with me. Sorry I don’t have more than my two cents!

   5. I’d stay and see how things develop so long as you two have compatible long term and medium term goals. Are you willing to stay in Europe indefinitely? Is he willing to move to the US? If you want kids, is it important to either of you to be close to your family, and if so, is the other willing to move? Do either of you need to be geographically close to your parents as they age? Particularly at 40, it’s perfectly fine to have these conversations quite early in a new relationship, so I wouldn’t shy away from talking about the future just because the relationship is new. Your feelings about these things might change over time, but I’d at least want to start out on the same general page.

      Something to consider – asking someone to stay in a place feels a lot different than asking someone to move to a place. If you stay – even though it means changing plans – I wouldn’t expect him to see that as equivalent to him potentially moving to the US. I only mention this because a friend recently went through something similar and it caused a lot of hurt feelings because she felt like he wasn’t reciprocating, while he felt like she was asking a lot more of him than he had asked of her.

   6. I wouldn’t make a career decision based off of someone else unless it was a serious relationship leading to marriage. That being said, I’d try to stay in Europe and avoid the US until after the election.

   7. I will chime in–I am 38, single, have had terrible dating options since my last relationship ended at 34, and have also moved a good bit, though not to the extent you have. I think it is entirely reasonable for you to include this possible relationship as one piece of your decision-making matrix. Specifically, I don’t think there’s anything at all problematic with not jumping for the job that might look like the best option if this guy weren’t in the picture at all. He *is* in the picture and I think it is okay to give that a fair amount of weight. I wish I had placed more focus on my dating life when I was younger. I think the “don’t worry, you have all the time in the world, focus on you and your career” message that so many ambitious women get rang too strong in my ears for too long. Part of focusing on you can mean that you give this relationship some consideration and space. It doesn’t have to mean you and your career to the exclusion of all other considerations.

   8. I am just one data point but I turned down a job because of a new relationship. It was a job that would have brought me closer to my family which was a priority at the time but I was fairly confident the person was the one and he was. I had always said that I wouldn’t do long distance but with the right person, it wasn’t bad. He had moved soon after our relationship began and I ended up moving to be with him (and changing jobs) after about eight months. Two kids and ten years of marriage later, I am confident I made the right decision. But truly, I just knew. Oh, and we had been friends for about 10 months before our romantic relationship began.

      1. OP here: Thanks for sharing your story. Ironically for me the move back to the US takes me farther away from my family in terms of travel time. Right now it is an 8 hour flight, from there it would be more than 20 hours of travel time. I haven’t been offered a job yet, still prospecting and trying to decide what to prioritize.

         @Anonymous 3:32 pm we have talked alot and yes he would want a relationship. But he has also said long distance is not something he is enthusiastic about

   9. “Seems like interested”?!? Ask him. With words

   10. I turned down a job in 2012 (!!) to move to the city where my then-fiance lived. That relationship lasted about a year and a half in the new city, but I ended up getting an even better job there that launched a career I’m really happy with. That’s my way of saying you basically have no idea how things are going to turn out, good or bad. We were together For a year before we decided to get engaged and that I would move to his city, so I would be really, really reluctant to turn down a job that you’re really interested in for a relationship that you call “budding”. On the flipside, if you’re not that into the job, it probably won’t be your only option and maybe that is worth the gamble.

2. I’m going back to work shortly in a public-facing role. Masks are recommended but not required and I suspect I’ll be interacting with a lot of people who aren’t wearing masks. I’m trying to figure out the best mask that will give me some level of protection from others, not just protect others from my potential germs. I’m looking for a mask I can wear selfishly, not just the cute fabric ones. Has anyone found masks that offer some level of protection to the wearer? I’m debating adding a face shield like I see on some grocery store employees – my boss would hate that but frankly I think we’re reopening way too soon so I don’t particularly care. I’m willing to spend some money for safety, I just can’t seem to figure out what the best options are that are currently available to individuals outside of the medical profession.

   1. Get a face shield. Masks protect others, face shields protect you.

   2. Masks protect you as well. It’s really unfortunate that the CDC muddled that message so horrendously, but think about it – why would health care professionals so urgently need masks if they didn’t protect the wearer? Your best bet if you can get one would be to wear an N 95 mask, but otherwise, look for something tightly woven with a filter pocket that covers your mouth and nose without gaps.

      1. N95 masks protect the wearer, but I really don’t think wearing an N95 mask in a public facing role is a good idea unless you’re in healthcare. You’re likely to get angry complains about how you’re taking a mask from a doctor who needs one, even if that’s not true. I’ve had several doctor’s appointments recently and all the doctors/nurses/lab techs have been in blue surgical masks, not N95s. I would roll my eyes pretty hard if I went to, say, the DMV and the desk worker was wearing an N95, since even doctors and nurses don’t get to wear them except in situations where they’re directly handling a patient who is known to be COVID-19 positive.
         Surgical and cloth masks protect the wearer minimally, if at all. But they protect others from you pretty effectively.

         1. “Surgical masks are designed to protect people from the wearer. Because they fit loosely, the wearer can still breathe in unfiltered air from the sides. Even so, surgical masks provide some benefit to the wearer as well: Laboratory testing has found that surgical masks block out 75% of respiratory-droplet-size particles.

            Avoid masks with a valve in the front. That valve lets unfiltered air out, so it won’t protect other people if you’re contagious. And after all, protecting others is one of the main reasons to wear a mask in the first place.

            As for cloth masks, the protection depends on what they’re made out of and how well they fit. But with the right combination of materials, you can create a cloth mask that offers protection to the wearer in the 30% to 50% range or more, says May Chu, an epidemiologist at the Colorado School of Public Health who co-authored a paper published on June 2 in Nano Letters on the filtration efficiency of household mask materials. That’s far from full protection, but combined with social distancing and hand-washing, she says, it’s certainly better than nothing.”

            https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2020/06/21/880832213/yes-wearing-masks-helps-heres-why

         2. Please don’t normalize this response. I’m immune deficient, and I’m using and reusing an N95 which I owned long before COVID19. I don’t want to have to carry a doctor’s note just to avoid angry complaints.

            1. Keep doing what you’re doing. People who are not immunocompromised don’t get it and their opinions about whether we’re evil literally do not matter one iota.

            2. It matters if they complain to your boss, which they might.

            3. If you have nothing better to do than complain to someone’s boss about them wearing a mask, you seriously need to get a life. You know NOTHING about that person’s life, why they might be wearing a mask, and what kinds of demands their job has. I literally can’t imagine a more hideously inappropriate way of venting your own frustrations about the pandemic.

            4. +1 I bought a lot of KN95 masks recently (which are available widely, they’re not the same as regular, US N95) and I also have a few N95s from pre COVID I’ve been carefully hoarding.

               KN95 masks might be the answer here. They’re better than cloth masks, which I am still kind of cautious about after my doctors said for years to not wear the fashionable cloth masks (like Vogmasks) because they catch bacteria.

            5. Sloan, any tips for evaluating the quality of KN95s before purchase? I found some on line but the source seemed sketchy and I wasn’t sure they were genuine KN95s.

            6. Someone gave me a pack of possibly questionable KN95s they’d bought online. I don’t know if they’re real, but I was able to get them to “seal,” so at least I’m not just breathing around them.

   3. Look at N95 equivalent wood workers masks. They have a one way exhale valve which means that it is not entirely filtering your exhalations. This makes them unsuitable for health care workers’ use so you are not taking a mask from someone who needs it for a hospital setting. It does protect you at the n95 level. You will likely need to go poking through the web for wood working suppliers to find one.

      1. If you’re interacting with the public, it’s pretty sh1tty to wear a mask that doesn’t protect others from you. She has a right to want to protect herself, but she can’t do it at the expense of protecting others.

      2. No, don’t do this. They’re not even allowed in some states.

   4. Get surgical masks. Surgical and N95 masks protect you (that’s why health care workers need them). An N95 will be difficult to breathe in both the surgical one will work. And you can cover it with a fun or patterned cloth mask – that’s what nurses at work are doing

      1. This.

      2. I find that using a cloth mask over a surgical mask makes the surgical mask fit more closely.

   5. What I would do: a face shield plus a mask.

      On the mask front, if you can bear it I would do an N95 plus a fabric mask on top that you can wash more often than you’ll be able to clean or replace the N95. I think wearing an N95 correctly for many hours is quite difficult and uncomfortable though, so if it’s not doable long-term I’d double up a surgical mask and a cloth mask. I also heard a snippet many weeks ago (so it may not be as valid since we’ve learned so much more) that adding a strip of panty-hose material around a fabric mask makes it MUCH more protective for the wearer. They hypothesized it was something about sealing the edges.

      1. Editing to add: Maybe consider clear glasses if you can’t pull off the face sheild? It’s not great but every bit of lower viral load is helpful.

   6. This is all great advice! I ordered a woodworking mask, which I am going to experiment with wearing with a fabric mask over top to catch exhale. I definitely don’t want to endanger customers who are considerate enough to wear masks when the come in! I just need to be protected from the jerks who don’t. I also ordered a pack of the KN95’s, and will give those a try. And I’ve got a face shield coming as well – part of my job has me behind a sneeze shield but part of it does not, and I think the addition of the face shield would be really good for that time. These give me some good options to experiment with and hopefully find something that works well.

3. I knew this was Boden before I even open the post which is the problem with Boden. Literally no one in my NYC office has ever worn a polka dot.

   1. So, I love Boden clothes, because I love all of the bright colors, and I find that they are one of the few retailers that consistently has multiple dress options with sleeves. But this would never be a dress I’d wear on a regular work day (I’m in Charlotte, FWIW). Possibly I’d wear this on a Friday, when we have “jeans day” in our office, but more likely, this would be a “I’m trying to look put together when going to grab lunch or run errands on a weekend dress.”

   2. I think it’s very cute and I might buy it if I weren’t planning to spend the rest of my life working in athleisure, but agree there’s definitely a very unique Boden look and this is obviously Boden.

   3. I feel the same way. Their prints are way too cutesy and juvenile for my taste. Which is a shame because the cut/style are right up my alley.

      1. Same here. I have several Boden items, but only in solids. It’s always such a bummer when I see a great dress or top style and find it only comes in a zany pink zebra print or psychedelic spots.

      2. I’m petite and appreciate the petite cuts, but I would look like an actual 5th grader in some of the prints. I feel like they’re designed to look unintimidating.

         1. This! To add to it, I also look very young. Fine when I’m older but I worked HARD to be the youngest professional in the room currently. If I wear certain things, my late 20s self is sometimes mistaken as an undergrad intern…I’m an attorney. And I’ve been told to cut my hair but I. Refuse.

            1. Am also a late 20s intern who frequently gets mistaken for an undergrad intern, paralegal, legal assistant, receptionist, or, when I’m lucky, a law student. Have been asked when someone can speak to the “real attorney” more times than I can count.

            2. Attorney! Not intern! I don’t know how that got in there, but late 20s attorney!

            3. Ughhh that comment about the “real attorney” is on par with a (senior male) opposing counsel asking me in court “if I was sure I wasn’t a paralegal” as though I could possibly be confused as to what my job title and responsibilities were and accidentally went to court to practice law without a license. There was no “assume good intentions” way to spin this, as my name had been on all court filings and this was his response when I introduced myself to him in person.

      3. Yes. The worst part is that they look like they might be beautiful in a small photo and then you zoom in and realize it’s a twee little daisy.

         I sophisticated silk blouse with polka dots could be gorgeous and professional enough for biglaw. An empire waist cotton blend dress will not be.

   4. I don’t like this particular dress, and never shop at Boden… But I work in a big law office in NYC and have definitely worn polka dots (dress and shirt). To each their own.

      1. I actually associate black/white polka prints with NYC, but this is probably because half the people I know in NYC are Italian.

         1. What’s the connection between Italian people and polka prints?

            1. Lol I’m also curious about this!

            2. In my mind, it’s because Sophia Loren wore polka dots frequently, and it became an association?

               But maybe she was following a pre-existing tradition!

         2. I have definitely worn a black and white polka dot print top to work in NYC. I agree most of Boden’s prints are too casual for the office, however. That being said, I have a bunch of their dresses for casual summer wear that have now become my work-from-home in the summer go-to, so there’s that. And I doubt I’ll be back in the office until mid-Fall, at the earliest, so bring on the casual.

   5. My understanding is that in England, a lot of kids grow up wearing uniforms. Which can lead to twee exuberance upon adulthood. So I think that it’s an overcorrection (which in moderation is charming, but I can be how a lot of it can be an upholstered mom look). I love print blouses and have a couple of Boden ones that are really high quality. The dresses make me look pregnant (I think it is that I have very short torso, so my hips are actually where their dresses nip in; my non-flat stomach and Covid15 aren’t helping, either).

   6. HAHAHA I am wearing polka dots right now. They are much smaller dots than this dress, but I have numerous items with polka dots. My office is biz casual and even polka dots are more formal than a lot of what others wear in this office (flip flops and ripped jeans).

   7. This dress doesn’t look too outlandish, but I totally get how it wouldn’t work in a biglaw or finance office. You don’t think it would be okay in a business casual office or a less “serious” office?

      1. It would totally be okay in a less than business formal office.

      2. I think they look like straight kindergarten teacher, really twee and cutesy. I don’t think that is appropriate for any office, at least, not the vibe I want to give off to executives, board members, etc. But not everyone feels that way, and it’s not like I would judge or care if office staff or person in a non profit wore this. This is personal preference.

         1. Agree. You won’t find a single polka dot in my closet but I don’t judge anyone who wears them. It’s just not my style.

   8. Haha I love Boden so much, it’s like Modcloth for grownups.

   9. What, you’re not into the high-class LuLaRoe look?

      (It’s a joke.)

      1. I know you’re joking, but I have a LuLaRoe dress that I got for a specific event, but sometimes wear to work because it’s easy and comfortable, and I’m not kidding it is probably one of the dresses I get the most compliments on and people ask me where I got it. (But I’m a little embarrassed to tell them so I just usually say oh something online, I don’t remember the name.)

         1. I have a dress like this from WalMart and another from JCP. I think we just have good taste and can find the one stylish thing!

         2. I have one LLR that I get compliments on, but it’s a very… staid LLR.

   10. I have this dress in a red print and wear it all the time. A friend has the same print but green, also adores it. My office is casual, and when I worked in a team with a lot of women, I felt totally comfortable (and cute!) in it and got lots of compliments. It’s some kind of miracle cut that works on my size 10 hippy-bellyish body and my friend’s size 00. I work a lot more with engineers now and just… don’t wear dresses. Because no one does. But I still love the dress!

   11. I have this dress and love it, but it’s not a dress to wear to work. It’s not just the polka dots, it’s the fabric which is definitely more casual. I wear it on weekends.

   12. It totally depends on your office, I wouldn’t wear this to court, a board meeting, giving a presentation, etc. but I might wear it on a 95 degree summer day where I was just doing some low key work at my desk. I think the issue here is the color combined with the print. If it was navy and white polka dots, or that color blue but solid, I think that would help. It’s like a twee color combined with a twee print.

4. I have a design question!

   I have four large windows that look onto a busy street. I am thinking of getting half-shutters so that the top is open for light (windows face east) while letting me shut the bottoms for privacy. Concerns are that I either need to order half shutters or full shutters (so with full shutters, they have top and bottom louvers, so I could leave the top open while closing the bottom). And they are $$$, so no backsies.

   WWYD?

   1. I am one of the few people I know that really dislike the look of shutters. To me (and I do not know where I get this from), the interior shutters (which I have always heard referred to as “plantation shutters”) look like they belong in a bathroom and that’s it. I think they look super cheap in So I would do one of those reverse shades that pulls up from the bottom of the window (not sure what the official name is).

      1. Yes, I’m a fan of this look. When I was house shopping, one of the places I looked at had these for the windows facing the street. You can lower them from the top or raise them from the bottom or cover or uncover the entire window. Versatile. They’re pricier than regular blinds. I don’t know how they’d compare price-wise to shutters.

   2. We have a window shade in our bathroom where you can push it down to expose the top half of the window or push the bottom up to expose the bottom half of the window. I think they are called top-down cordless shades. This may give you some flexibility with privacy.

   3. The half-shutter look seems very dated to me. Full shutters are classic. I’d go with full shutters with separate top and bottom louvers.

      1. I agree.

   4. I think they make some plantation shutters that are one full shutter, but the bottom and top can open/close separately. My friend has them in the baby’s room and it looks really nice.

   5. We must live across the street from you (since our large front-facing window faces west). We also have the shades that can open from top and bottom and like them. Opening from the top is a great way to get in light while preserving privacy. I had shutters in my previous home and like these more. The shutter louvers were really never open or closed. That is, they always block a significant amount of light when open and never fully blocked the view when closed. They were wood shutters so YMMV.

   6. First, I love shutters. So if you can afford them, I would absolutely do it.
      If you are only looking for privacy, have you thought about window film? We did it in our master bath and I love it. It was super cheap. It was really easy to do myself and when I want to change the look of the room, I can easily put new film on the window. Also, easy to clean and does not seem to accumulate dust or grime.

      1. I saw someone in my apartment complex with window film on the lower half of their windows for privacy. Seemed like a very smart idea. Their execution came out looking a little “homemade” (edges aren’t straight and clean, the film has a “pattern” to it) but I think a film without a pattern that covers an entire pane of glass could look quite nice.

         1. We had to work a bit to get clean edges but once you get the hang of it, it is really easy to do and everyone who sees ours wants to put it up somewhere in their house. Just a cheaper option that gets overlooked.

5. I don’t have this dress, but I have the Amelie in a couple of colors – very comfy! :)

   Tech note: my name/email is still not saving, using Chrome.

   1. I also have the Amelie in a couple of colours – I love it

      1. My issue with the Amelie dresses is that the extra fabric in the front around the waist makes my not-flat stomach look bigger…Otherwise I would love that dress.

   2. The name saving feature is working for me now. Chrome on mobile and Firefox on computer.

      1. I am using chrome on the computer and it is now working for me! Thanks, Kat.

      2. Working for me too on Firefox/Safari.

6. i know there are other people on here who live in Houston/Texas. I am just so angry at the Governor. I know child care centers haven’t been a huge source of spread, but apparently last week he eliminated all extra safety measures as if the virus had disappeared, but now that there is a surge has decided to reimplement. He won’t make masks mandatory. He kept reopening everything without seeing the data and treated his own rules like a joke. i honestly think that the people behaving so irresponsibly don’t deserve medical treatment. and it is the end of june so this means that all the newbie docs are going to be starting in the hospitals so it is also the worst time of year to need medical care. just needed a place to vent.

   1. Worst time of year to receive medical care? I have never heard that before.

      1. It’s well-documented. Summertime when new interns are on the job for their first month and experienced doctors rotate out on vacation is a riskier time to get surgery.

         1. +1
            Doctor here. And so true!

            We joke in my family that all of our family health emergencies have occurred during the worst times to get sick – early July, Thanksgiving weekend, Christmas week/weekend.

            When my Dad’s appendix burst on Thanksgiving weekend, it took them 5 days to diagnose it, and he had a different doctor checking on him every single day.

         2. I can attest to the summer care issues from experience. I was hit by a car at the beginning of July several years ago, and taken to a nearby hospital by ER. I literally had to ask the newbie doctor to clean my open wounds, after lying on a downtown street. He asked me if I wanted x-rays to determine if my arm was broken (it was). Sad but true.

         3. Yes, the OP is correct. July 1 is when new residents and interns start at hospitals – try to stay out of the hospitals then. (January 1 is bad but not as bad as July 1.) Not just MDs, but clinical pharmacists in post-grad residencies, so check those medications and IV drips!
            I wish we/government would focus on making emergency and preventive care safer and how to get kids back in school safely, and less emphasis on nail salons, gyms, bars, and other luxuries. I am extremely frustrated (just want to get my teeth cleaned!) and I’m in NJ so hunkering down as all of the Floridians are coming back north.

            1. I’m in NY but close to NJ, and got my teeth cleaned last week. It was necessary (in my mind) because I’m pregnant, have always had questionable teeth (I almost always have a new cavity despite following all recommended dental hygene practices – it’s just genetic), and I felt VERY comfortable. Temperature check before I was allowed in the door, questionnaire, everyone was masked/face shielded/gowned/gloved, I had to wear a mask until they told me to take it off right before the exam and I had to swish with diluted hydrogen peroxide before they started the exam. All magazines/pamphlets etc. were gone. Hand sanitizer everywhere for patients to use. There are guidelines that the American Dental Association has published that they have to follow (ex: manual cleaning/scraping of the teeth only, they can’t use that high powered water tartar cleaning thing right now b/c of the spray).

               If you need a cleaning, I’d call your normal practice and find out what precautions they’re taking, and if you’re comfortable, go for it. I’m going to go again in Sept before baby gets here.

            2. Yeah get your teeth cleaned now. The safest time is during the early stages of your state’s reopening.

         4. It’s true. Grandfather was an MD and always said this. The new people start July 1, I believe.

         5. A few years ago I went to the ER end of a June because I was coughing up quarter sized clots of blood. They ordered an X-ray, which was read by a new resident who had never seen lungs with my particular condition before. My lungs looked essentially normal for me. Somehow, no attending looked at the X-ray or consulted with the new residents who came to tell me, very panicked, that my “entire right lung was filled with infection!” Not realizing it hadn’t been read right, I was obviously concerned (if skeptical, it didn’t feel like that was the case.) They told me in the same breath that they’d be rushing me to the ICU and asked if I had an end of life plan. Which REALLY freaked me out.

            Eventually, after I put up enough of a fuss because other than the blood I felt pretty much fine, someone got ahold of a pulmonologist who was actually familiar with my condition, who told them they were all wrong. Turns out I just needed a couple weeks of oral antibiotics and I was back to normal.

   2. I’m sorry. I’ve been watching Texas this week with a lot of concern. It’s really alarming and frustrating how the pandemic was never taken seriously. Now we all have to pay the price. I hope that you and your family can stay safe.

   3. It’s horrifying. My sister’s FIL and MIL live in Houston and my sister and her husband and kids are flying there tomorrow because FIL is dying of stage 4 cancer and it’s pretty much their last chance to see him. She’s then going to fly home with the kids in a week by herself and BIL is going to stay in Houston until his dad passes. She’s terrified. I’m terrified for them all.

      1. Hope they self-isolate for 2 weeks when they get home, otherwise every state will be like TX soon.

         1. She’s in the bay area, so out of the frying pan into the fire. And yes, she’s planning on isolating when they get home.

      2. I am in my state’s hotspot and was travelling quite a bit up until the end of Feb. In early March, I went to an inside sporting event right before the NBA shut down. I go out multiple times a week (for all allowed reasons; I am an essential worker) and have been this whole time. I had trouble getting a cloth mask at first, but a family member made some for me and I’ve been using those (no N-95s).

         I had an antibody test last week — nothing.

         It seems that taking precautions (nothing heroic, just the usual precautions) actually works pretty well. I think that the WSJ article (online now) is something that rings true. This might give people some helpful pointers about what danger looks like and help people focus on that vs needless anxiety.

         1. There’s new evidence antibodies don’t last very long, so it’s still a possibility you had an asymptomatic case. There’s also a lot of luck involved. Some people do everything wrong and don’t get sick, some people do everything right and do. Family member is an ICU nurse and has intubated multiple people who swear they haven’t left the house except to walk outdoors and pick up groceries. It’s pretty scary.

            1. I would point out that your family member who is an ICU nurse sees the tip of the iceberg. But it doesn’t make the iceberg not there or not relevant. I have a friend who is an ER doc and only sees that cars that crash.

               The people I know who have had it have all been <60 and have recovered uneventfully at home. A few were shocked to have had it (one was only tested as a routine matter prior to knee surgery on an athletic 20-something) because they weren't even feeling bad and were only contract-trace tested.

               It is a very random disease. It can be terrifying, and somewhat random in who is struck randomly awfully, but then again generally not.

            2. Yeah I’m not implying most people who get it will get severely ill. Well over 90% will recover at home without any kind of medical treatment. What is scary is that so many of the severely ill people had been strictly self-isolating. You can live your life as normal and not get sick, and you can take every precaution possible and still get it. There’s a lot of randomness involved.

            3. I wonder if that’s true. Not to believe the worst in people, but there are a lot of people out there saying they didn’t go out and do anything where they could potentially be exposed. Meanwhile, I know for a fact they went to church, birthday parties etc. or let their teenagers go out and do things and come back home and expose them…they then feign ignorance of how they got it.

   4. “i honestly think that the people behaving so irresponsibly don’t deserve medical treatment.”

      You really have no compassion or humanity. You get that we save drug addicts and drunk drivers every day right? But being human enough to need to see other people is a crime that deserves capital punishment ? No one is forcing you to leave your home or live a life that’s not 100% online. Be a shut in until you die alone of something other than this disease, that’s your right. But don’t send others to their death because they don’t value your preferred lifestyle.

      1. Agree– I thought this was a horrifying comment. What on earth do you mean “don’t deserve medical treatment?” Everyone deserves medical treatment. This is just an unacceptable thing to say.

         1. That wasn’t my comment, but my friends and I have vented similarly. It’s really, really frustrating to see people put all of us at risk repeatedly when a lot pf people needing intensive medical care is a predictable outcome of their actions. It’s hard to feel generous and compassionate towards all the assh*les who aren’t generous or compassionate to anyone who has lost family to this virus or who is at high risk of complications. We’re also really tired of this narrative that anyone who doesn’t sign off on “you do you!! go drink in bars and get your hair done and do whatever, it’s your right!!!!1” is just an old shrew who wants to see people suffer. Who is it who is causing more people to suffer again?

            1. I have never felt this way (I don’t feel this way about other people whose choices contributed to their health needs either). But I am very, very frustrated by the idea that our choices in a pandemic are ultimately about our “personal risk tolerance.”

            2. I’ve never felt that way about people who have made choices contributing to their OWN health needs – if people want to skydive or drink to excess alone, that’s fine, but I have felt frustrated with smokers who pollute the air for others. I would never, ever advocate for ACTUALLY denying anyone medical care, no matter the reason (including undocumented immigrants, tourists, and anyone else who needs care here), but I have definitely felt that passing frustration and know a lot of others who have as well.

   5. It’s really scary. I feel like up north we’re all holding our breath and just waiting for the other shoe to drop, especially in the red states where masks are extremely unpopular. My state has been open for almost 2 months and virtually no one is wearing masks. I have no idea why we aren’t in the situation that Texas and Florida are in – population density? weather? less vulnerable population? It’s baffling but a lot of us feel like Texas is a preview of our future.

   6. Yes, our brilliant Texas governor actually said this: “ “[B]ecause the spread is so rampant right now, there’s never a reason for you to have to leave your home. Unless you do need to go out, the safest place for you is at your home.”

      1. My jaw literally dropped when they played that clip on the national news.

      2. What — that seems correct. The safest place is at home. Don’t go out if you don’t need to go out.

         1. +1 I’ve read this twice and can’t figure out what’s so terrible about it. Isn’t that what we were all doing, staying home unless you needed to go out for groceries or to the pharmacy or something?

         2. but his comments are so inconsistent. a week ago, he was telling people to go to the bar, get their haircut, go to a restaurant, etc. a haircut place opened before it was allowed to – the woman was put in jail, he rewrote his own regs so that there was basically no penalty for violating it. a waterpark opened up before it was allowed to and his response was – let’s open all waterparks. i am personally staying home. however, i can understand how people find it very confusing or misleading and making it hard to trust anything he is saying

      3. I don’t really understand what is wrong with that? Home is the safest place, right? Is your objection to him saying there’s “never a reason” to go out? The first sentence is worded awkwardly, since of course essential workers have to go out. But when combined with the second sentence the meaning seems clear.

         1. The statement is nonsensical. There is no need to go out, unless you need to go out. Of course?

            1. I mean it’s worded poorly, but the meaning is pretty clear – home is the safest place and you should stay home unless you have to go out.

         2. +1. The comment from the TX governor seems appropriate to me.

            1. it is because he is talking out of both sides. one minute saying businesses must be open. everyone should go out and not wear a mask and then the next second saying something else. it gives him no credibility

         3. I think she was referencing how inconsistent he has been.

            1. Find me someone who has been consistent. NYC/NY really botched it early with nursing homes. CDC said no masks, then masks. To be generous, there is a bit fog of war. But that is no comfort to people in NYC sent to a nursing home to die with their infected roommate without their family being allowed to visit. The family wasn’t the danger. The nursing home was.

               Outside of nursing homes, I am not terribly concerned b/c I feel that we know what we need to do to protect ourselves and vulnerable people. We know more than we did in Feb/March. You and me — we are the ones who are responsible for what we do. If anything, this has made me more likely to do some digging on my own in addition to reading the newspaper and listening to NPR in the morning. Sometimes, it’s just better to be personally conservative. No one can make you go out to bars or to the gym even if they are open.

            2. Why are you going after me? I don’t live in Texas, I’m not OP, I was just trying to clarify a clear misunderstanding.

               “I am not terribly concerned b/c I feel that we know what we need to do to protect ourselves and vulnerable people.”

               Well that’s cute, because we’re certainly not doing it.

      4. It’s “brilliant” because he was saying so recently that he wouldn’t even allow cities to make their own regulations about opening or closing, wearing masks, etc. (This is a pattern of his–the state government likes to legislate against the cities in Texas (particularly Austin) because he doesn’t like that the city governments are dramatically more liberal than he is.) He forced construction to reopen statewide early on in the pandemic because it was too hard on the economy. Everything is still open today. The only recent development is that cities are now allowed to require businesses to require masks. Better than nothing, I guess. I have a mail-in ballot (for a primary run-off on July 14) sitting on my desk but I don’t technically qualify for it (because I’m not disabled or over 65) and Paxton has been threatening to sue people who use mail-in voting. Do I think our governor is going to do shit about that? No. Not at all.

   7. Agree. We left TX partly bc of the politics but have lots of family still there. What we’re seeing terrifies us. I just do not understand his thinking whatsoever or being so cavalier about the health of your constituents.

      1. I heard remarks from Gov. Abbott recently that justified restrictions because the spread could mean “lost lives, and ultimately, more businesses closing.” I thought the order he used was troubling. Which of these consequences is more serious? Shouldn’t he threaten “businesses closing, and ultimately more lost lives” to emphasize that this is a crisis?

   8. Greetings from a fellow Houstonian. I noticed last week that there were lines outside the 3 urgent cares that I pass multiple times a day. It seems like folks I know are having closer circle of friends & acquaintances getting it now. The governor is frustrating & useless to listen to since he has been so blase about opening. Our opening is a perfect example of how each of us needs to evaluate the risk & take appropriate action. Hang in there fellow Texans & keep taking all precautions.

   9. I’m sorry. I live in NYC and was thinking last night how scary it was in April when we were counting the days until we ran out of ICU beds and watching ambulances go by constantly. I’m sorry you are in that place and hope the situation improves. You have every right to be angry.

   10. Totally understand. The politicians we elect are supposed to help in crises, not make them worse. We are in a blue state but the health staff was as following really bad CDC advice on testing and so at least a month went by before we took protective measures, and by then there was uncontrolled community transmission. We almost tamped it down and then the waves of right and then left wing protests got it rolling again. It’s so frustrating.

7. There’s an article in the NYT this morning about “virusproofing” the new office and it’s…alarming for anyone who cares about privacy. There’s talk about using facial recognition and Bluetooth to track employees’ movements and monitoring technology downloaded to your phone and so on. Is anyone’s office actually doing this?

   1. I work at a large university, and they’re currently building an app where you “check in” daily with your symptoms. I … do not love this. It feels like a huge overstep and an invasion of privacy. I also have zero clue how they’re going to monitor or police this.

      1. Also pretty silly because a lot of spread comes from pre-symptomatic people. Masks are much more effective than temperature checks for the same reason.

         1. But what about when you have a lot of sick (or gravely sick) people? Wouldn’t you want to know about once you’ve gone down the slope a bit? I get how some might prefer head-in-sand, as it gives you some cover and deniability.

            1. Temperature checks Temperature checks give you a false sense of security. Something like 40% of people never have a temperature.

      2. My husband works for the DoD, and beginning mid-March, he has had to check in daily by 9am with his status (symptoms, whether he has traveled anywhere, and same for household family members). This is monitored and if he hasn’t checked in by around 8:50am, he gets a phone call.

   2. You know what? When it comes to this virus, I do not care about privacy. This virus has highlighted to me that my values on the individualistic/collectivism spectrum fall a lot closer to collectivism than I think the average of American society does. I think it is way more important that we be able to track contacts and suppress the virus than any privacy concerns. If I get sick, I want an effective way for everyone who has come in contact with me in the prior 14 days to be alerted to that fact so that they can make safe decisions and stop the spread!

      On the other hand, I assume these apps are probably designed to maintain some level of privacy. Instead of announcing that Susan in Accounting has tested positive so that anyone who spent 5 minutes chatting with her while washing their hands in the bathroom can self-quarantine, aren’t the apps designed to identify the people who have been in contact and notify them without specifically identifying Susan? If we want to stop transmission, you have to compromise on your privacy somewhere.

      1. But you can contract trace without having your employer install spyware on your phone. We shouldn’t be taking a sledgehammer to employee privacy when a scalpel will do.

         1. But states don’t seem to be hiring enough contact tracers (and I live on the border of two states, where many people in State A commute to my state each day to work and we have two interstates going through it, so lots of through traffic also). I’m happy to add in the robots.

            I feel that we have only the illusion of privacy now anyway. You can always delete apps from your phone later or get a personal phone that is truly personal to you and not a work phone.

      2. Yeah, I disagree. This is a very slippery slope, and I think making assumptions here that they’re “private” or “secure” (see the data security issues with many apps other countries have tried to deploy…)

   3. We are not doing anything like that, but we have to complete a health questionnaire and send the results before going to the office every day. I’m fine with it from a privacy perspective, because you’re only sending the final yes or no results, but it seems very performative. Given that people can spread Covid before being symptomatic, I’m just not sure how effective it is in the grand scheme of things. But we are also required to wear a mask unless in our private offices, and that seems more important to me.

      1. I work for a hospital that is part of a larger health system, and this is our situation too. However, you can complete the questionnaire after you’ve already come in to work, and if you don’t have a personal device to use for it you have to do it on a shared hospital Ipad. Between these factors and all the asymptomatic spread, it feels performative.

         We’ve all been masked since before the questionnaire.

   4. Not my office, but Eversheds Sutherland is requiring employees to use Clear to Go, a screening app, every morning before they head to the office.
      If I were still in Big Law or any other firm that used these techniques, I would be very concerned about this unprecedented access to my personal comings and goings. I thought we wanted employers out of our personal lives, and this is a huge step backwards.

   5. I understand the privacy concerns, but I don’t think this is entirely performative. My state and county have linked many many cases to people who went to work sick because they didn’t feel too bad. That’s not the same as pre/asymptomatic, and those are the people we want to screen out.

      1. I feel like those people are just gonna lie on the questionnaire anyways, so it doesn’t really serve that function

   6. Maybe we will veer into Gattaca territory where you get a finger prick while entering the office.

      I really feel like companies should focus on providing adequate sick leave for employees and encourage people to stay home when sick. Don’t reward people for toughing it out to come into the office when they don’t feel well. Encourage WFH if possible, wearing masks and proper social distancing. Sadly it seems like many companies are acting like everything is normal.

   7. My company is toying with asking everyone to install an app on their phone to track their whereabouts all day. Alternatively, you could fill out a very detailed list of where you went and what times – I’m assuming it’ll basically be a timesheet. I’m deeply uncomfortable with telling my employer when I went to the bathroom and for how long, etc. I do not want to come back to the office if big brother is going to watch me the whole time.

      I also think this makes absolutely zero sense. We’re all in an enclosed space with each other, breathing the same air, for 8 hours a day. If someone in the office has it, we’ve all been exposed, whether we walked in the same general vicinity as the sick person or not.

      1. Our office configuration means that they know when I pee — it’s outside of the secure area, so I have to swipe each time I come back in. It’s not designated peeing (I could be addressing fem hygiene or vomiting I guess, but it’s easy to surmise). This has been the case for . . . 15 years? I’m not a fan, but no one asks me and for 15 years, no one has really cared. I feel that people will be drowning in so much useless data (including street cameras, phone data, amazon purchases) that we will all be hiding in plain site especially on days when I forget my phone at home.

8. I have this dress in a bright watermelon pink color, and it’s one of my favorites. However, if you are between sizes, I’d recommend sizing down. It can veer a bit frumpy if loose (mine is, but the color makes me overlook that).

   1. I also have it, in 2 colors. I got my regular size from Boden, in tall since I’m 6 feet. I think it runs a little long, so I could have done regular sizing for length, but with tall the waist hits perfectly. I find the pleating very flattering.

   2. How does Biden sizing compare to mall store sizing?

      1. Not exactly what you asked, but I find their sizing to be accurate to the measurements they have on their size chart. So if you measure yourself and go with what the chart says, you should be fine.

      2. Lolllll Biden.

         1. :D

9. Do you expect to dress differently when you return to the office? After wearing my favorite clothes for three months, I am not eager to return to business dress. If anything, the pandemic has given me permission to dress more like myself. I am not dressing like a slob, but I much prefer elevated athleisure, or jeans + tees. I expect go through a phase of feeling like I’m in costume. Also, it’s a real tossup as to whether my dress pants still fit. (I’ve been doing a lot of pandemic baking, and also a lot of cycling/running — the thigh bulk is real.)

   1. My true self wears suits and sheath dresses (or long-sleeve tees, elastic-waist shorts, and some sort of slip-in footwear with socks). I think my feet will be reluctant to go back to heels, but my favorites are either waaaay too casual for the office or classic office-wear.

   2. My work style tends towards comfortable, anyway, but I picked up a new dress from Zuri and a couple of new-to-me dresses from Ibex and Patagonia along with a new pair of Birks to change things up.
      It’s anyone’s guess if the a/c will be functioning correctly when we go back. It might be 50 degrees and it might be 90. I’m ready for anything, LOL.

   3. I am trying to swap to more washable clothing (as much as possible) or those that won’t be too harmed by frequent ironing/dry-cleaning as I fully intend to immediately wash/iron/dry-clean clothes I wear into the office when I get home.
      I also miss more formal dressing and will be looking forward to wearing nicer clothes/makeup/accessories/etc. again. Every now and again I’ll wander into my closet and visit with all my pretty blazers and dresses ;)

      1. I keep playing dress-up and now have closet sections called “5-10 pounds from fitting” and “abandon all hope; donate when goodwill opens up again as will likely not fit again unless you get a parasite / stomach flu”.

         #COVID-15

   4. Yes, my business clothes feel like a costume as well. Maybe only 10% of my office is back, and its a bit more casual than before. My office was always casual to business casual, so jeans and blouses are fine, but I get so bored wearing that every day. When I was at home I would wear jersey dresses (lots of Boden) most days. I’m still trying to figure out what to wear now.

   5. Absolutely. I was already moving toward a more utilitarian style before the virus but I’m all-in now. If it doesn’t have pockets, belt loops, or stretch, it’s not going on my body.

   6. I’ve been going into the office for over a month now. I have pretty much stopped wearing suits, jewelry, and makeup, and my hair is in a pony tail more often than not. I’m wearing dresses and pants with blouses and blazers, and I’m trying to wear only washable items. To be fair, I usually revert to this over the summer because my area is hot, humid, and sticky, plus it rains everyday.

   7. Only in the sense that half of my clothes no longer fit (not exaggerating – I couldnt’ sit in a dress I put on yesterday). I am going in to the office and even though there is at most 5 people here, I am dressing like I normally do. I like the feeling of normality it brings and I generally really like my work clothes!

   8. I realized that I don’t choose to wear skirts outside of work (I’ve been wearing jeans or shorts everyday since being WFH) so I’m refocusing my wardrobe on pants/blouses because it feels more “me.” I also like how small my casual wardrobe is, so I’ve been working to pare down my business casual clothes into something more like a capsule collection.

      1. I also don’t wear skirts. I would be hard-pressed to buy one again, honestly.

      2. I only wore skirts to work because they are cooler than pants and easier to rewear than dresses. I also can generally sit in a chair at a desk (or table) while I’m a work so am not concerned about how uncomfortable it is to sit on the floor in a skirt.

   9. I’m not going back any time soon so I’m just adding to my athleisure wardrobe. As it goes from summer to fall to winter I’ll have to consider how to make it work. Right now it’s a lot of skirts with pockets and tees.

   10. I have noticed that the essential workers who have been in the office the whole time are dressing even more casually than normal. Can’t blame them when for months they were alone in the office. But I think if anything sways the dress-code, it will be them, not the people who have been at home.

   11. I’ve been going in this whole time and mostly have been holding the line wearing my office clothes but I have instituted a personal Casual Friday and have been, for example, not too picky about wearing a jacket over everything.

   12. I think I will probably be a bit more formal than in the past, but that is strictly because I cleaned out my closet during SIP and found I fit in a lot of the more formal work clothes I purchased years ago and then “outgrew.” And I don’t want to spend money on work clothes or mall shop for clothes that fit now, so if the collar shape is a bit outdated on the existing stuff, I really don’t care.

   13. It’s going to be hard for me to wear shoes that aren’t sneakers or flipflops.

   14. I’ve been back in the office a few weeks (not in the US), and my clothes have changed both because of the season (summer heatwave!) but also because I’m back because I can travel by bicycle and avoid public transport.

       So I’m wearing bicycle friendly clothes, helmet friendly hair, sweat-friendly clothes and make-up etc. «Dutch city commute» rather than lycra.

10. Does anyone have an interesting way to introduce yourself via an icebreaker or intro slide at the start of of a presentation? I feel like mine are boring but not really sure how to liven it up.

    1. I don’t do a cutesy self-introduction. The audience is not interested in me, just my material. I give my name, title, and affiliation. If I am facilitating a big meeting that lasts multiple hours, where I need to build credibility and rapport with the audience, I will mention my relevant experience and usually make a light comment or bland joke about something everyone in the group can identify with, such as the weather, how far they all had to travel to get there, something that happened earlier in the meeting, etc.

    2. I like to make a joke, like, “Hi, I’m Vicky, I’m the accountant and I’m here to talk about the boring stuff,” but that only works in some contexts.

    3. I think basics like name, role and your background with the project are fine. For a professional presentation, I think keeping it simple is fine.

    4. At this point, I say “Hi I’m Anon, title/role, and I have two young kids, apologies if they show up on this call.” That usually spurs some conversation about the movie they’re watching or the weather because they’re playing outside or whatever, and then it’s easy to transition to the subject material. Humanizes me but also buys me some cover if they need me urgently to plug back in their headphones or settle a Lego dispute.

    5. we like to do all the usuals and a “name something you’re terrible at” which is easy and fun (singing! dancing! jeopardy! there’s usually an easy answer to find and usually some fun/funny/entertaining ones).

11. Weird TMI question, but I have one ear that occasionally gets ear wax buildups. Like in the past 6 years I’ve had to go to a Rediclinic and get it flushed out 3 times? Not terribly often?

    It’s bothering me now, but I’m in Houston so don’t want to go into a clinic! Has anyone who has this issue had luck with at home drops or kits? TIA!

    1. You can get a syringe from the drugstore and flush it yourself! Make sure you use warm water, because cold water can make you pass out, according to my ear-flushing-obsessed family.

    2. Yes. The drops are great. Also, after a few days of the drops you can tilt your head so that the shower hits your ear and that may wash some out. To be honest, I keep some drops around and put some in my ears every 2 weeks or so, especially during the winter when it’s super dry.

    3. Raises hand! Apparently I produce large amounts of ear wax. Every 1.5 years or so it gets bad and my hearing is actually diminished. I’ve learned never to use q tips, of course, no matter how tempting. I use Debrox, which is a solution you can get at the drug store. It softens/breaks up the wax, then you use one of those little rubber bulb thingies to squirt water into your ear canal until the wax comes out with a disgusting plop into your sink. Be warned, it can be a messy process and sometimes takes me 2 or even 3 applications, but it works.

       1. +1. I’ve had this for years. I use the drops every now and then, when it blocks up. Sometimes I also aim the shower in there to flush a little. I am not sure this really does much, but my new doctor recommended it.

    4. My husband has successfully used the home kit. If I recall, it involved him laying on his side for longer than the box said for the drops to soak in. The worst time, he needed me to assist in the flush out, but in general it was all him doing everything. He blamed it on bad ear plugs at the factory he worked with. Once he changed jobs, the issue went away completely

    5. I had to take our teenager in for this this week. They used Debrox and flushed with warm water and recommended we do that at home every once in a while. You can order Debrox online–it’s otc.

    6. My doctor suggested using baby in or mineral oil – a few drops in the ears from time to time. I had to go in about 3 times in about 1.5 years to get my ears cleaned out, since I’ve started using the oil, I haven had to go back, in probably 2+ years. The idea is that it keeps the earwax soft so it comes out on its own.

       I would ask your doctor first before doing any of these things, of course. I, personally, could never get the hydrogen peroxide + syringe thing to work – I’d try to use the syringe, but nothing would come out. Not sure if it was my ears or my technique.

12. Paging anxious anon from yesterday – I re-read your post and keyed in on how you’re mostly subsisting on granola bars and cereal. I totally understand how cooking for one feels like a dumb chore, but I still want to encourage you to try to eat a “real” meal at least once a day. A meal made of convenience foods is fine – pre-cooked shredded chicken + steam-in-the-bag veggies + microwave rice is nutritious and comes together in about six minutes.

    I say this because when I was deep in my eating disorder, “re-feeding” was crucial for both my physical and cognitive health. Obviously I’m not saying you have an eating disorder, but taking care of yourself food-wise can have a holistic impact on your well-being.

    I hope you start feeling better soon. Take care.

    1. Agree with this. Other quick ideas are scrambled eggs with a side salad, bean burritos with avocado, jalapenos, and any other veggies you have lying around, a big sandwich with protein and veggies, basically anything from the freezer section at Trader Joe’s…

       1. Normal grocery stores have pretty interested frozen veggie section these days too – I ate a bunch of the mashed cauliflower with garlic, season broccoli etc when I was super busy at work.

       2. Nothing more comforting than grilled cheese! If you I want to get fancy, spread a little mustard or even jam on the inside of the bread.

          Although I am partnered, before COVID we mostly were on our own for dinner. I didn’t cook elaborate things, but I cooked – pasta with vegetables, noodles with an egg on top, things like that. You are worth nurturing.

          1. Fun grilled cheese tip: Put a few fresh basil leaves inside. Yum!! (Stole this from the Langham Hotel room service menu — yum!.)

    2. That was me – thanks for posting. I actually made a simple meal last night for the first time in days — just rice and lentils (daal) with a bit of butter added in for some fat but still better than cereal. And for once I had made the meal and eaten it prob before 7 pm. I did feel a bit better but still meh.

       I’ve fallen into this cycle of granola bars for breakfast, junk snacks thru the day and then sitting around until 9-10 pm and then at that hour, I can’t be bothered so cereal it is. But I do realize that living on a few hundred calories a day isn’t going to make me feel any better. (This hasn’t been going on for 4 months, more like a week or 10 days — before that I was doing pasta, stir fry etc.) I’m just bored of it all and then it becomes why bother, it’s just me.

       1. Daal is delicious.

          You are worth taking care of. If you would like them, this internet stranger is sending you air hugs.

       2. Nooo!! My heart breaks for you. I’ve felt this way myself, not as much about food but with respect to things like keeping my house nice and clean, buying furniture (“who cares if you have a decent looking home, it’s just you and you’re not worth spending money on”) clothing I’m wearing while alone, things like that. For me it’s a big sign of depression coming from an underlying lack of self worth. But I second MagicUnicorn’s post. You *are* worth taking care of!

    3. I missed your post yesterday but absolutely understand how obnoxious it is to cook for one. I really hate cooking for one. When I’m in a good habit, I find ways to make it exceedingly easy. If I bake chicken, I bake a full pan (or two) and then microwave frozen veggies as a side each night. If I’m okay with having a salad as the veggie(s), I use bagged or boxed lettuce, grape tomatoes, and feta cheese. Not cutting!! And no extra dishes. Maybe target eating two servings of veggies and day and aim to get it up to five? Five is a lot, though what we should all be getting. So start with one, or two. And add one every two weeks?

13. How do you network when you’re not looking for a job? I feel like for the first time in my life now, a year past grad school, I am both not looking for a job anytime soon and have something to offer to people I network with. For example, there are some people doing interesting research or working on cool startups that I would just like to get to know.

    I might be interested in those startups later for a job, but right now I just want to know more about different parts of my field.

    1. It’s the BEST time to network because you’re not really asking for anything! I would just reach out to people (via email, LinkedIn, phone, etc) and say something like you’re taking advantage of some of the COVID time (if this is true) to reach out and connect with people that you are interested in. Would they like to do a 20 minute call to talk about their work in XXXX or discuss the mutually interesting area of XXX. Assume some level of ‘too busy” but you’ll get some responses and you can also ask, “who else do you think I might talk to about this?” Ask them if there is anything you can do for them.

       1. I had sent a message kinda like that and she just responded super open! I also worked for a nonprofit in the past that she is interested in (like a policy area) so I’m sure that helped.

          I sent a more formal version of what you wrote but I like your more casual tone much better. I can say something like COVID time or just downtime. Thanks!

    2. Super networker here!! Instead of thinking of it as “networking” think of it as “making friends in your field.” It takes the pressure off and is way more fun.

       When I first started working, my first firm had a requirement that you go to two events and have lunch or breakfast with two people per month. That was totally bite size for me and helped SO much in getting started meeting people. Everything I do now stems from that and never would have happened if I hadn’t been forced to do it at the beginning.

       Volunteer to help an organization that is related and join groups in related fields. I’m an attorney and am on the board of a a couple of different bar associations and charities as well as trade groups in my area. In most cases, I was invited to be on the boards because I volunteered a lot to help out with things. I have also just straight up asked people how I can join a committee or board to help. As we work on projects, I get to know others. When life was normal, I went to all the lunch meetings and happy hours and met people there too, then I would email them at some point later and see if they wanted to get lunch. Also, if your field has any mentoring programs, participate as a mentor or as a mentee, as appropriate. That’s a great way to have access to more senior people.

       Definitely just pick one or two things to start with – you want to be able to put more than just cursory effort into it. To use a couple of metaphors – networking is a quality over quantity type thing and a marathon, not a sprint. You want to make real connections that last years, hence the “making friends” aspect.

14. Stepkid is feeling a bit lost — rising college senior. Large state U school where I feel he has a great time but has sort of gone where the current carried him. I think there was some pressure since he was a kid to become a doctor. Now, there is no interest in that (and perhaps a sense that med school is hard to get into and may take several tries). This was to be the summer of getting an internship and figuring it out. Oh well. But now there is pressure to go to law school (OMG no no no do not do this). It’s not my decision. DH has been frank with stepkid that he’d likely land a ~60K job out of college but also a 60K job out of law school (but with 200K debt to go with it and 3 years of not having any $).

    I know that this is not my actual child and that I should just stay out of it. But I also would warn someone about to step into a burning building that the building is on fire.

    1. Go to law school if you want to be a LAWYER. Nothing else. And do no go to law school because you can’t get into med school. Honestly this kid just needs a job to figure it out, not throw another 200-300k at school when he doesn’t know what he wants. If it’s truly law or med, why not a job in one of those settings to see what daily life is like?

       1. +1m I am an attorney, love my job, and this is my automatic answer to anyone who asks about law school. Sure, if you want to be a lawyer. No other reason.

          1. And if he’s not sure, there’s no rush. Take a job out of undergrad, figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life. If it’s law? Sure, then go to law school. But there’s no reason to go K-JD unless you are absolutely sure.

    2. I agree that it’s his decision to make as an adult, but I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong in saying, “Stepkid, I know you’ve been thinking about your next steps post-college. If you ever have any questions about X, Y, or Z (because I have direct experience with these things), I’m happy to talk to you about them.” So, offering advice, but only if they want it.

       1. Yep.

    3. 60k seems pretty optimistic unless he’s graduating with a specific skill or profession.

       1. It’s a little high but it’s not far off. G00gle says average starting salary out of undergrad is $50k and average starting salary out of law school is $54k.Of course if you can get into a top law school where most people end up in Big Law then it’s very different.

          1. So I have a rant about this.

             The $50k figure was determined by looking at job openings hiring entry-level grads, then extrapolating to all college graduates and weighting by how many people have which degrees.

             This completely ignores the fact that 1/3d of students do not get a job that requires a degree, and many do not get a job matching their skills (so, for example, a math student might land in a job that does not pay extra for the math degree).

             It’s so disingenuous.

          2. I am not a lawyer at all, but i definitely did not expect the average salary out of law school to be $54k. I would have thought it would be more like $70k at least. That’s . . . shocking and really puts all the law school debt in perspective.

             1. Yeah, it’s sort of a misleading stat though because salary is SO dependent on where you go to school. There are law schools where 90% of the class can get a Big Law job and make $200k their first year out, and there are law schools where you have to be in the top 10% of your class to land a decent government or small firm job that pays $75k. Law schools also do shady things to manipulate the stats so it’s tough to get a clear picture.

    4. now is a good time for him to go to his career center, take a career assessment and take advantage of some of those services. not all career centers are the most helpful, but generally they aim to do good. most are offering virtual appointments during this time.

    5. If you are in the position to influence him, I’d advise your step-son that the decision not to go to law school (or med school) right now is not a permanent decision. He can work for a couple of years and then apply if it seems like the right path. He might even be able to work in a law firm, or a medical clinic, or whatever. The decision to go to law/med school, and more specifically to borrow money for school, is permanent. There’s no reason to do that until he’s sure.

    6. This is a tough situation because he’s probably unlikely to get a job anytime soon. I have a stepdaughter in a similar situation. What do you advise them when the job market is pretty much closed and impossible? Continue school or do menial jobs??? It’s a tough call.

       1. I had ‘menial’ jobs after college. Yeah, I’d rather have done something a bit more intellectually fulfilling, but it paid the bills, allowed me some savings (overtime – woot!) and 20 years later, I have a good nest egg that would weather just about any recession. If I lost my professional job tomorrow, I could go right back to stocking shelves or live off savings for a good, long time. I’m glad to have options, even if they’re not fancy.

          1. This seems okay if still on parental healthcare or if it’s the rare “menial” job that offers benefits.

             I wouldn’t want to be going without healthcare right now though. Fortunately there are options between taking on professional school debt and stringing together PT jobs.

             1. (…For someone well positioned enough to be considering med school or law school, I hope. I’m not imagining that there will be options for everyone, and I’m really worried about how people will be making rent without childcare and with new sources of job insecurity.)

15. Any gift ideas or lessons for a kid who loves Snap Circuits? We are obviously asking grandparents to expand his set, but if there are any other ideas for this interest area please share!

    1. I like this STEM gift guide (it’s updated annually, this is last year’s version): https://engineering.purdue.edu/INSPIRE/EngineeringGiftGuide/pdfs/2019-Engineering-Gift-Guide.pdf

       1. Thanks for this; many excellent ideas for upcoming birthday and winter holidays!!

    2. LEGO makes some entry level motorized kits. My kid loved snap circuits and loved building a lego vehicle that could actually roll around on its own.

    3. The marble run with motorized “elevator” has been a surprise hit at our house and has many add-ons. Hours of fun, but watch out for those marbles EVERYWHERE . . .

    4. LittleBits! They are super fun, require just enough problem-solving, and can be used in more creative ways than SnapCircuits.

       My kid also enjoyed the Kano Pixel kit. It is out of stock, possibly discontinued, but Kano now makes a Harry Potter wand coding kit that looks fun.

    5. KiwiCrate, K’nex, MakeyMakey

    6. Thank you, everyone! This is a TON to dig through and I’m so glad!

16. Favorite non-greasy sunscreen without tons of “toxic” ingredients? I need something for both face and body, but would be willing to buy different ones if someone has a good recommendation. I really want something non-greasy!

    1. I love supergoop for face – it’s got a tint and can be worn on its own

    2. Face – I layer the Physical over the Pure because the tinted one alone doesn’t give me enough protection.
       https://eltamd.com/product/uv-physicalbroad-spectrum-spf-41/
       https://eltamd.com/product/uv-pure-broad-spectrum-spf-47/

       Body – I use the Banana Boat Kids SPF 50 in the yellow tube. You have to really rub it in or it will leave a whiteish cast.

    3. I like the Ocean Potion Clear Zinc for Face. Sort of like a cross between a cream and a gel, and it didn’t feel greasy. It’s a little hard to find though.

    4. I would recommend asian sunscreens, they have safer and more effective chemical filters than US sunscreens. For face I like Canmake Mermaid UV Gel and Purito Greenlevel Unscented SPF. For body I like Nivea Sun Water Gel, because it comes in a nice big pump bottle. There are also some nice physical sunscreens that are more cosmetically elegant than American ones, like Purito Comfy Water SPF.

       1. I second this. I have tried several and all were amazing. I use a Nivea lotion with sunscreen in it daily on any body part that might get sun other than my face.

    5. On my face I either wear tinted Elta Md 41 (why 41 – this is not a round number? I am not sure.) I have oily skin and this doesn’t break me out plus functions as my base makeup. When I’m not feeling the tint, I wear Biore aqua rich 50++ – available on the river site. This one also doesn’t break me out, but I find I feel a bit like I have something on my skin after a few hrs, so I mostly wear it for jogging outside or other outdoor activities that aren’t all day.

17. Question for folks about passports for kids. We got our son a passport when he was 10 for a family vacation (which didn’t end up happening). It was good for 5 years; it doesn’t expire for a few more months and he’ll be 15 by then. I was reading that if he gets a passport when he’s 16, it’s good for 10 years. I’m having trouble finding the answer – if we renew the passport when he’s 15, will it be good until he’s 18, or until he’s 20? Would it be better for us to just wait, let the current passport lapse, and then have him reapply for the passport when he’s 16? Given current conditions I don’t think we’ll be going overseas any time soon but I have this idea that we’ll let the passport lapse and then he’ll need it for something (like a school trip) and we’ll be in a scramble. It looks like he’ll have to reapply or apply in person regardless of whether he waits or not.

    1. It’s valid for 5 years if you get it at 15 it would last until 20. Personally, no one in my family is ever without a passport (we applied for one for my daughter when she was 3 months old) but I realize not everyone shares that philosophy. I highly doubt there will be any international school trips in the next 1.5 years so I think it would be fine to do it once he turns 16.

       1. I would just renew for the 5 years as I was always taught to never be without a valid passport.

          1. This is probably more important now than ever.

             1. This is OP. Thanks for expressing this as it’s something my husband and I have talked about with each other but would not tell our son, or frankly most of our friends/family. We got the passports for a tentatively planned trip to Costa Rica but as the U.S. has gotten more divided, a big part of me was like, can’t hurt to have passports just in case things really go bad and we had to leave for our family’s safety. I figured I had just read the Handmaid’s Tale too many times so it’s reassuring to know others also think in that direction. It makes me nervous – especially now – to think about my son not having a valid passport. I appreciate the feedback from everyone; we’ll go ahead and plan to renew it.

          2. I didn’t get a passport until I was well into college- my family didn’t travel internationally. If you’re an American citizen not leaving the country I don’t see the particular danger of not having one… BUT in any event I’d just renew now to avoid any hassle over plans next year.

18. While working from home has its perks, one of the things I loathe is that the house gets dirty so much faster! It drives me nuts. Even in the best of times, I am very bothered by visual clutter and dirty surfaces. I am spending most of my short breaks on cleaning tasks, which seems ridiculous. Does anyone else have this issue? DH and one kid are at home. They’re good about picking up dishes and putting stuff away, but I swear I’m the only person who sees the crumbs strewn across the countertops and floor, the smears all over the glass, the extra dust on the furniture, the cat’s excess fur allll over the hardwoods, the laundry piling up in the bedrooms. The answer may be to just lower my standards, but GAH.

    Let me say this, too: Pre-pandemic, I loved our open floor plan. Now it is the bane of my existence.

    1. I think you do have to lower your standards, but one thing that has worked OK for me is fitting in tiny chores in tiny windows. While I’m waiting for the kettle to boil, I can wipe the counters or straighten the shoe rack. While I’m waiting for the water in the bathroom to heat up, I can quickly spray the mirror or the toilet handle. This helps me make a difference in the environment without making me feel like I’m wasting my precious free time on pointless cleaning.

       1. That’s what I do. I was heating up a frozen meal in the microwave and in 5 minutes I was able to empty the dishwaher.

    2. I feel the exact same way. We didn’t have a cleaning service in March, April and May, which compounded the problem. When our public library opens, I plan to go work there. I haaate being home all day, every day, and since my job is permanently remote now I have to find a way to make this workable.

    3. These are things that can be done to keep up with the cleaning

       1. Do the dishes and wipe counter tops after every meal.
       2. Run a Roomba to clean the floors. Or sweep/vacuum on a daily basis.
       3. Commit to putting the laundry away right after it comes out of the dryer.

       For me, I’m picky about having a clean kitchen. I make sure the dishes are done and counters clean before going to bed so I can come down to a clean kitchen.

       Personally I don’t care about smears on the glass or dust on the furniture. If those things really bother you, wipe down the glass and dust once a week.

       For all this cleaning stuff, it shouldn’t be all on you – enlist the help of your husband and kid if they are old enough.

       Or nothing wrong with lowering your standards a bit if it is more stressful to add a bunch of cleaning to your routine.

    4. Same. Clutter drives me nuts and my husband is a clutter tornado. Other than just doing little things here and there like other posters suggested, baskets are my savior. He has a basket for his random papers, receipts etc. And then I have other baskets to keep little stuff corralled around the house. Luckily he doesn’t leave a ton of random plates and cups around, except in his office which is out of sight out of mind.

19. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how economic inequality will widen or is widening so much because of this. 19.5 million continuing unemployment claims as of last week. And while the White House touted the jobs number as such a big win in the beginning of June — something like 10-11% of jobs are back and part of me believes it’s because of PPP funds and as soon as those run out and businesses realize they aren’t anywhere near capacity, it’ll suddenly be like I don’t need 15 waiters or cashiers, I can get by with 7 (and there’s loopholes in PPP that allow it if you can show you don’t need as many ppl now as pre Covid).

    Yet it the meantime, car sales are back to Feb level with the average car price being 30k so these aren’t people buying junkers to commute because they didn’t have cars prior. In many markets homes are impossible to find as people flee apartments. For those who follow and had extra cash on hand, they dumped it into the market in late March and are up 33%. I know multiple people undertaking a 5k or 10k reno on a house — sold because they made that extra 5-10k in the market, others because they have cash on hand, aren’t using vacation funds this year so may as well improve the home they’ll be spending time in all the time. Am I the only one feeling like times (economically) are pretty good if you already had money going into this? And if you didn’t you’re that much further behind/things are that much more out of reach?

    1. I think about this a lot as well. We’ve lost money in our retirement accounts and in the stock market, but our expenses are down (thanks to not commuting, for one) and we’ve saving more than before on our upper-middle-class DINK income in a VHCOL area. On the other hand, we’re bumping up our charitable contributions, including establishing a scholarship for a program mostly benefiting POC in our town, and I think we’re more aware than ever about inequality, racism, and how much work remains to be done. Our area is pretty segregated and there are a lot of people who are truly destitute, including a lot of people who are homeless, and it’s hard to ignore that reality as tech workers and highly paid professionals get to use the coronavirus lockdown as a time to learn guitar and practice making GoPro edits in iMovie.

       tl;dr: We might not be truly wealthy, but we are not struggling financially and need to do more to help those who are.

    2. Yes. I also read about how the stock market doesn’t reflect working or middle class struggles as sharply as one might expect (so it’s partial recovery isn’t a true indicator of the economy). The economy is actually bad for most of us, but the rich are getting richer (especially the super rich).

       1. Yeah I mean if you’re NASDAQ/tech invested you’re up for the year not down. If you had extra cash and the foresight (or a savvy advisor) telling you to throw it in in March, you’re up another 33% on that. Even if you could “only” throw in $5000, that’s an extra $1650 that pay for a small reno or new tech toys or whatever that the average family isn’t even thinking about now. And certainly the super rich weren’t throwing in $5000, probably more like 500k+.

          IDK where the stats stand right now but at any given time only 50% of households have ANY exposure to the market. And I think for 75%+ of those people it really is only retirement. They say something like 8-10% of households own 90% of stock. So it isn’t routine that a family even making 100k nowadays is like – wow we’ve really made $ since March, glad we put in that extra 25k we had lying around. Whereas for the families at 200k or 300k+, that’s exactly what happened.

    3. Yes. I find myself in the same boat as my savings rate is up a few hundred per month – no lunches out or coffee with coworkers. And then I find myself thinking well I have wanted a new iPad, not that I need it, but hey it’s not like I’ve been spending since March anyway. And then the mind wanders to — wow some are saying a few hundred EXTRA per month while others are totally out of savings by now; or I’m contemplating a new iPad just because while so many families had to quickly buy one or a laptop bc maybe they only had one but two kids had to homeschool and that extra $400 or $700 or whatever was a burden.

    4. Welcome to capitalism! >:D

20. My 68 year old retired father normally enjoys part time work to keep himself busy. He really doesn’t need the money. He retired from a good union job over 10 years ago and has excellent health care benefits and retirement money from his old job. He’s also a savvy investor. He lives with my 71 year old mother. They live in NY suburbs, fwiw.

    Normally in the summer he works part-time at a semi-public pool, which is opening in July. I feel strongly that there’s no reason he should be doing that this summer. He doesn’t need the money and he/mom are in a higher risk bracket given their ages. He’s conservative and just generally thinks a lot of the coronavirus concerns are overblown…

    He says he’s SO bored and wants to work and thinks it’s fine because they are taking pool attendees temperatures before entering. He would be at the front taking temperatures and checking IDs (residents only pool) but he says he would be outside and behind a plastic barrier (not sure about given the temperature taking). I understand that there’s a lot here that makes it a lower health risk (mostly outdoor work?) but I also think it’s going to be hard to really social distance from his coworkers, his boss and the pool patrons. Pool patrons are supposed to wear a mask to enter but I’ve seen so-so compliance in this area in general so who knows.

    I seem to have convinced him to not take the job this summer but he’s put it all on me and says he’s only not doing it because he knows I’m not comfortable with it. So now I feel guilty and maybe I am depriving him of something that I know really is normally so good for his mental health. Thoughts? Advice?

    1. Well, you got what you wanted, and now you’re feeling bad? I see that you’re a loving, caring daughter, but I also think you overstepped a bit and demonstrated that you don’t totally trust your dad’s judgment. Justified or not, I imagine he’s reacting badly to that.

       IDK, with the precautions the pool is taking and your parents’ overall health, this seems like a relatively low risk. What’s done is done, but I would caution you to remember that the pandemic IS taking a toll on people’s mental health. That’s a real and significant problem that is getting ignored by many, IMO. Yes, let’s take necessary safety precautions but people DO need to feel productive and useful.

       1. Any job where you’re going to get close to many different people each day is by definition relatively high risk. The pool is being responsible and taking appropriate precautions, but working at the pool is not a low risk activity. Both things can be true.

    2. I have an elderly father, far older than yours. My approach is that he’s a grown adult and he gets to make his own decisions. He’s mentally competent and reliable. “Safety” is not his highest priority at this stage of his life.

       1. This is the same for my father – he’s about the OP’s father’s age, also semi-retired, and while he’s taking reasonable precautions, he worries about how many years he has left, and he worries he’ll spend them shut in his house – so we aim for balance.

       2. This. My parents are about to take a vacation that they take annually to an outdoor place with few people around, and my mother told me yesterday that “I’m 75, I don’t care if I catch Covid on the plane and die from this trip”. I told her to enjoy the trip. I would be very sad to lose her, but that’s not a reason to freak out and try to change her plans. She could stay home and get run over by an SUV in the Safeway parking lot and the end result would be the same, so why shouldn’t she enjoy her trip.

    3. I don’t see anything here that indicates that you “forbid” him to do it, so I don’t know why people are coming at you like you don’t know he’s a grown man responsible for his own decisions. Don’t feel bad! Think of a few ways to respond to him — “yeah, I’m glad YOU made the safe choice” or “I got all my information from our local health officials, wasn’t it persuasive?” … repeat it every time he brings it up and just go about your day.

       Maybe you could shift his focus towards something he could do instead? Join an online game group on Facebook or something? Volunteer to have virtual visits with local nursing home residents? If you post the question of what could he do with x, y, z interests, maybe you could get some better tailored ideas.

    4. My general philosophy is that it’s not my job to convince another grown adult to do anything they don’t want to do, whether or not I am related to them by blood or marriage. I can state my position and make a request, but they get to make their own decisions.

       1. Eh, presumably the father is making his own decision. He’s just got some misplaced anger at OP since she presented him with the information he used to make the decision.

          1. Yep. She did not make the decision for him.

          2. I understand he made his own decision but I feel like the concept of “convincing” involves trying to substitute one’s judgement for that of the other person, which is what I try not to do. If OP feels bad about it, that might be something she wants to take a look at. If she just stated her case and he’s now sulking, that’s a different story.

    5. It’s tough dealing with parents. My best friend is pregnant and her father wants to visit the baby when it’s born later this year, but he’s been flying around, socializing with his girlfriend who socializes with her daughter who works in the COVID ward at her hospital (no one wearing masks or maintaining distance during these visits), continuing to go to work as normal, etc. He doesn’t seem to get that he’s not going to be allowed to visit the baby if he doesn’t start following basic precautions, but as people have said, you can’t control others, even though it’s frustrating and sad.

       1. You can’t control others. So her dad is controlling himself, perhaps based on OPs influence, but he is still making the decision and should own it. Or if he really believes it’s his mean mommy making the decision, he can tell her to kick rocks and go do what he wants.

    6. It sounds like a great option for him.

21. Thanks for all the workout headband recs yesterday! I ordered both a Gymwrap and a Sweatyband and looking forward to trying both!

    1. Please come back with your reviews! Very interested to hear about both. Thanks!

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