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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
If it’s springtime, that usually means I’m looking for one or two perfect white blouses to replace the ones I’ve lost to stains, dinginess, or general wear and tear after a lot of use.
This pleated top from Vince Camuto has an easy, blousy cut, but the crisp pleats make it look a little dressier — perfect for adding to the business casual wardrobe rotation.
The top is $79 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS–XXL.
This Calvin Klein blouse is available in plus sizes (though only 3X is in stock, unfortunately) and is $74 at Macy's.
P.S. Happy Passover to those who celebrate!
Sales of note for 10.24.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event, 30% off! Suits are included in the 30% off!
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything, and redeem Stylecash!
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – Friends & Family event, 30% off sitewide.
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off entire purchase, plus free shipping no minimum
- White House Black Market – Buy more, save more; buy 3+ get an extra 50% off
OOO
Any recs for new streaming movies/tv shows to watch with my in laws while they visit this weekend? They enjoyed A Man Called Otto and Jerry & Marge Go Large.
anon
Based on what my mom has enjoyed recently… 80 for brady, only murders in the building, the lost city, Glass onion, Matilda (the musical on netflix)
Ses
+1 for Only Murders. It was such a classic Steve Martin & Martin Short gem of a series
Anon
Love that show. And even though I don’t quite know what is going on, Team Selena.
Anonymous
Only murders in the building! DH and I loved it and I recommended it to my 66 y/o dad and he loved it. If you like steve martin, martin short, and occasionally nathan lane being eccentric cranky old men you will all love it. Selena Gomez is excellent. Jane Lynch makes a fun guest appearance. I’m so sad there aren’t more seasons RIGHT NOW to watch. It’s also not awkwardly violent, crude, or s*xy in the way that you don’t want to watch it with your grown parents.
anon
Schitt’s Creek
The Good Place
Seventh Sister
Glass Onion and The Woman King were hits with my parents (the last one was kind of a surprise but I’ll take it).
Anon
I read a review from a film student that said the Woman King was a classic 50s/60s silver screen epic. I’ve been kind of looking forward to it ever since.
Seventh Sister
That tracks! Also I think the lead performances were uniformly amazing – not just Viola Davis and Thuso Mbedu, but John Boyega was SO good and I miss seeing him in stuff. It was also one that appealed to all of the ages – 11 and 15 liked it as much as the adults.
RTR
Does anyone at or above size 14 use Rent the Runway successfully? I used to but really struggling lately. I think it’s probably driven by the fact a lot of designers aren’t size inclusive. I’m about to cancel after having a few back to back busts. I’m a 14 but I suppose in “designer” non-vanity I’m bigger. Nothing is fitting and is very disheartening.
Anonymous
I wear a 16 usually but often go for 18 on RTR. And usually stick to Ralph Lauren. tbh it isn’t fun. The selection is super minimal. There have been several months I’ve found nothing. It’s like here are 20 dresses pick 4
Anon
I’m a size 12/14 in mall brands depending on cut and I cancelled my subscription because of the lack of size inclusivity.
Anon
Chapter 13 here. My second interview went well and I think I’m close to getting a job offer, but I’m starting to panic about the background check. The job is at a bank, but I wouldn’t have access to client funds. Still, I’m worried that my active bankruptcy will be a red flag and they will turn me down. Any HR folks or lawyers who want to chime in? Should this be a real concern?
Anonforthis
IME the bigger red flag would be you trying to hide it or obscure the fact. If you’re open and honest that should help
anon
Former banker. I think it’s a real concern. Figure out some way to message around it and then figure out how to deliver the message at the right time.
Anonymous
Disagree with this as a blanket statement. It’s possible that a bank would automatically withdraw an offer for an active bankruptcy for someone who doesn’t have access to client funds— but it would be a total waste of everyone’s time not to flag that before running the check. The OP should not proactively volunteer the info and should not panic. (Obviously, don’t give notice at your current job until checks are cleared— but that’s always true). Also, in my experience, an HR team would likely have a conversation with a candidate about a potential red flag in a check— the OP should be prepared to give a simple, matter of fact explanation for the circumstances that contributed to the debt and the great progress she’s made adhering to the plan. Don’t be embarrassed!
Anon
I think that’s exactly what the previous poster meant. Not that it’s a guarantee to lose the offer, but a real possibility and OP should have a game plan for this conversation.
anon
yes that was my point. don’t preemptively call and tell them but be prepared.
Anonymous
And emphasize that it is a 100% payback plan.
anon
HR here, there are some jobs that bankruptcy history or a history of late/non-payments would be a disqualifier. But, generally those jobs put something in the job posting/position requirements or make it really clear early on in the process. Also, if they are pulling your credit as part of background check they need to tell you. It would be in some form you sign giving them permission to do the check. Not sure what state you are in, but a few states also limit use of credit checks now.
Anon
This. Some large companies don’t use credit checks anymore (except for specific positions), even if the employee lives in a state that allows it, because it’s easier to have a uniform rule applying to all offices.
Anon
There’s an anti discrimination provision in the bankruptcy code but it has exceptions and generally speaking financial institutions get many of them. Don’t quit until you’ve passed background and be prepared for it to be a dealbreaker. You’d be better off applying in a different industry.
Anon
OP update: I ran this question by my lawyer and she told me to definitely tell the recruiter up front if I get an offer. She also instructed me to tell them that I am in a 100% payment plan and paying my creditors in full, which she said would help. I really want this job so I am a basket case right now, but feeling a tiny bit better.
Sunshine
I have no advice. But good luck! You really seem to be doing all of the right things, and I enjoy your updates and am pulling for you.
Anon
Good luck!!!
Anon
Please keep us posted! We are rooting for you!
Ellen
I would not worry. You were young back then and stupid. You overextended yourself, and had to file for bankruptcy to get it all behind you. It could have been worse. You could have filed for Chapter 7 and then you’d really be in trouble. You are now older, and hopefully wise enough to know that you need find a man to support you as you rejoin the working world. We all make dumb mistakes; god knows I did with my ex, so you should remember that you are not immune. Go forth and get the job. Then find and marry a guy who can keep you in check so that you don’t go overboard again with overspending on the money you do make. Good luck to you!
Anonymous
Liquid eyeliner is looking too harsh for workdays now. I’m mostly forgoing it for contact days, but think I need a smudgier pencil for glasses days, albeit one that won’t make my dark circles worse.
Any faves?
Anonymous
I like Bobbi Brown.
London (formerly NY) CPA
+1 to Bobbi Brown specifically the long-wear waterproof liner
Anon
I also like Bobbi Brown but specifically the gel liner you apply with a brush. I use the medium brown shade. It can be smudged right when you apply it if you like, but after it dries down it does not budge.
Bobbi Brown sells a very pointy brush for this. It’s the one with the cap.
Also the site is having 25% off right now.
Anon
Comment in m0d
Bobbi gel liner in the pot with matching brush. There’s a discount on the brand s I t e right now.
Anonymous
I’ve been using Laura Mercier caviar sticks, one dark one and one light/slightly shimmery one. Dark one on the lash line from the middle to the outer corner and blend up. Then light one on the inner corner and blend toward the middle.
Anon
+1 to the caviar sticks, I think super harsh defined eyeliner is outdated these days.
Cat
I say this every time, but shadow sticks. Darker colors can sub in as liner and are easy to blend. Bobbi Brown is my fav.
Anon
I haven’t used mine like this (just as eyeshadow) but I love my Nudestix
Anon
+1 but my fave is Laura Mercier caviar sticks
Rainbow Hair
I like using an eyeliner brush to smoosh a tiny bit of powder right at the base of my lashes. I get the brush a tiny bit damp, tap into the eyeshadow, smoosh into roots.
Anon
I do this, too. It works just as well as eyeliner.
Anon
Do shadow sticks work if your skin is oily (particularly eyelids)?
Anonymous
They never have for me, even with a primer.
Anon
I don’t have oily lids and I find they’re gone by 4 pm. I’ve gone back to powder shadow recently.
Anonymous
Yes.
Anonymous
Sephora house brand waterproof eyeliner!
H
The only eyeliner for smudging is urban decay. Been using it for maybe 15 years.
Chl
Anyone who has the lo and sons rowledge backpack – do you have the small or large and are you pleased with that choice ?
Anonymous
I went with the large and am happy I did. I use it for travel, and it’s the only “personal item” I’ve ever had that comfortably holds all my work stuff plus water bottle, iPad, headphones, snacks, etc.
JoJo
There was only one when I bought mine late last year, so I don’t know if I can be helpful, but I can say overall I am very happy with my purchase. I think it reads as a backpack even if you tuck the straps in, so I just use it that way.
Backpack
Yes! Bought it after seeing so many recommendations here. I got the large and it is great for commuting—fits my laptop, shoes, water, lunch, etc.
Anon
Trailing spouse commiseration thread! Any other trailing spouses out there? Who is living in an area they dislike? Gave up job opportunities because your spouse has tenure or is tenure track?
anonshmanon
I bet there are a few more situations besides academic spouses. Military families come to mind.
Anon
Co-sign military families. It is really hard for spouses to continue in any profession and those who really want to work often get sucked into MLM schemes because many of us are hard-wired to work at SOMETHING. The other side is that often times the spouse stays put — my friend was in the Air Force and when she was stationed in South Korea, her husband stayed at their prior post with their kids, who were in school there. They visited liberally, but it is just hard on families even when the military spouse isn’t deployed (and often both spouses may be military) and family is often far away also.
Anonymous
This is a big reason why we decided I would not go into academia. We wanted some degree of control over where we lived.
anon
I was a military wife before it was possible to telecommute and before I had really started a career as well. (Today it would be a MUCH different story.) The first move was a severe culture shock for me, to small-town Bible Belt. We went from there to a city but were there for the shortest time of any (had a good job with prospects there.) Then to Europe. And so it went. There are programs in place now and of course, remote jobs. Most military bases are in not-fun locations. Most universities are in desirable ones, though, right?
In short, all of my life was giving up job opportunities but I’m making up for it now by still working, way past “retirement age.”
Anonymous
Lol no most universities are not
Anon
I wouldn’t say most universities are in desirable locations, at least not to many people on this board. Many of them are in small cities in red states in flyover county. A college town is usually a decent place to live (although increasingly red state politics affect your life even if your city/school district is liberal) and you usually have a fair amount of racial and ethnic diversity due to the university, but it can be super challenging for trailing spouses to find jobs. In my college town, there’s no industry to speak of outside of the university, K-12 schools and hospitals so if you’re not a teacher, doctor/nurse or prof, your job options are really limited. The nearest real city is over an hour away, so before remote work became common it was a brutal commute for anyone who wanted to work there.
Anon
Universities in desirable locations – LOL. Yes, many are, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy or even possible to get a tenure track job there. People apply to 50-100 institutions and take the job that they get, even if it’s in rural Nebraska. Even college towns don’t always have a lot of jobs for professional spouses in “desirable” locations. Amherst MA is gorgeous and a wasteland for certain professions, as but one example.
anon
I was referring to living conditions/amenities by “desirable locations”, not job possibilities, to be clear. Either cities or college towns vs usually rural outposts or former seaside or port areas now bloated with overgrowth. I’ve lived in all of them.
anon
I feel like I should start a support groups for academic spouses sometimes. Gave up all my social capital and a great job when we moved and now tenured DH at more prestigious institution is unhappy. Neutral about location but far from any family and really feeling the lack of backup with kids. Also, my network doesn’t understand why he can’t just “get a job” in the location of our choosing.
Side note: I also battle jealousy of spouse’s schedule. Four more weeks and he’s off for the summer. But he complains a lot.
Anon
“Also, my network doesn’t understand why he can’t just “get a job” in the location of our choosing.”
I feel your pain. Left Boston for my spouse’s job. “There are plenty of universities here. Why doesn’t he just get a job up here?” Because only five of them have what he teaches, three of those are in western MA, and the remaining two haven’t had any openings in that department in three years. :’(
Anon
Yeah people who aren’t in academia don’t understand that you go where you go and there’s not a lot of choice involved. My husband went to a top 5 PhD institution and had a great publication record and recommendations. He applied to 100+ tenure track jobs and got one offer. He had another interview that he declined after getting the first offer since it was more desirable. So potentially two offers – but that’s across the entire country. Neither of the jobs was anywhere near a major city where there were job opportunities for me.
No Face
This was the main reason why I did not go into academia. I excelled at the research/lab/experiment aspect of my undergraduate field and there were professors who advocated for me to go the tenure track route, but I hated the idea of being forced to move somewhere and then staying forever.
Anon
To be fair, it’s not necessarily forever. If you’re willing to move a lot you can usually get to a better location eventually. But of course that’s hard on a spouse’s career. Now that my husband has tenure he’s been recruited for jobs in more desirable places, including a major city with a reasonable cost of living that lots of people love. But I don’t want to move AGAIN especially at this stage of life (my parents followed us here, and our kid is settled in school, with friends, etc.) so we’re probably not going to. The only scenario in which I see us moving is if our kid grows up to identify as LGBT, especially T, and we have to get away from the red state politics.
Cb
Yep, there were 5 TT jobs in my field since finishing my PhD 5 years ago. Which is why I get on a plane each week, to avoid forcing my husband to live in an undesirable location (it’s fine, it’s just rougher than home city, and a troubled history).
Anon
My husband applied to every job in the US in his field, even undesirable locations, but drew a hard line at applying outside of the US because it wasn’t even clear I would be able to work at all if we moved to Canada or Europe (not that there were great jobs for me in rural Arkansas or wherever, but at least I could legally work there). His PhD advisor told him he was making a huge mistake and said – and I quote – “you can get another wife more easily than you can get a tenure track job.”
Anon.
And, BTW, this situation extends to Europe. Due to the different setups of academia (public universities, lifetime appointments), professor positions don’t open up often, and the application process is lengthy and bureaucratic. Also, people are less “mobile” in general, not moving so often for jobs.
Coming from a major European country, my spouse had a lot more opportunities in the US that he could apply to, then he would have ever had in Europe.
Anon
ugh, yes, the sentiment that OF COURSE you sacrifice your marriage for a job, my husband (then bf) got a lot of that. So stupid.
Anon
“you can get another wife more easily than you can get a tenure track job.”
WHAT? Even if it’s true, that’s an awful way to look at the world. I don’t recall marriage vows saying “for better or for worse, unless she needs to be tossed aside for a TT job.”
Anon
It probably is true, but agreed it’s an awful way to look at the world and my husband agrees. The guy who said this was on his third wife so clearly doesn’t take marriage vows very seriously.
anonshmanon
no wonder academic workplaces get so toxic, when we select for leaders this way.
GCA
Yes, this is the main reason my spouse did not go into academia. I was also a working parent when he was finishing his PhD (he started late + we had kids on the early side) and felt so, so very isolated.
Anon
I’m definitely jealous of the schedule, especially summers off. I know some academic will chime in and say they’re not really “off” and yeah that’s true but they have no boss to answer to and they work whenever and wherever they want so it’s not the same as most jobs. True story, today my husband had a meeting that began at 9 and another one that ends at 5 and he has been whining for weeks (!) about having to be in the office from 9-5 today. Heaven forbid, an 8 hour work day! I know he works hard and he’s been very successful and is the financial breadwinner (although that’s in part due to career sacrifices I made when we moved) but jeez dude, having to be in an office for 8 hours is what the rest of the world does ALL THE TIME.
Cb
Yeah, every once in awhile, I think about switching to government but then the idea of someone wanting to know where I am puts me off.
Anon
This is why my advice to family members who have tenure that they should never complain about their jobs to anyone other than other tenured faculty. To the rest of the world, their complaints are clueless whining.
Anon
I’m the OP of this thread. What keeps our marriage together is my husband doing >50% of housework and child care, and understanding how easy he has it. He’s also very efficient and doesn’t spend a lot of time stressing about getting stuff done.
anon
Yep. I am the one that mentioned schedule jealousy and this sounds a lot like my spouse. A lot of talking about how additional university duties take up his free time. He works hard. He is stressed. But it is different and truly, he knows nothing else.
Monday
Yes–I think Covid highlighted this too. No matter how much you have to do, if you get to decide where and when you work, you’re in a much better position than most workers (who also have a lot to do).
Anonymous
Many people are unaware of how much effort tenure-track and tenured academics expend in funding their research groups in many fields, and how much anxiety this engenders. Institutions do not provide the funds.
Anon
This really depends on the field and institution. My husband’s grad students and postdocs have always had their salaries paid by the university. He has used his own grant money to send them to conferences, but there is funding available if he didn’t have grant money and many tenured profs in his department don’t have current grant support. He’s in STEM (but not lab sciences) at an R1. He’s anxious to get grant funding but it’s 1) to cover his own summer salary, which would otherwise be $0 and 2) for his own career advancement and promotion reasons.
Anon
Me! I’m the ex-lawyer from yesterday. On paper I made big career sacrifices leaving my law career when we moved to a small, rural city for my husband’s tenure-track job at a major university, but as I alluded to yesterday, I’m not sure law would have been a long term career for me anyway. I didn’t go to law school hoping to catch a man and quit, but I did go without any regard to the long hours and business skills needed to succeed in the profession. I know I wouldn’t have stayed at a firm post-kid. In-house would have been a more likely scenario, but even those jobs can demand more hours and stress than I really wanted while raising a young family, and I’m not sure I have the soft skills needed to succeed in that kind of job. Plus those jobs are not easy to get, especially coming from the niche area of law I practiced.
I actually don’t dislike where we live. I know many here would sooner die than move here (small purple city in a red Midwest state) but there’s an ease to life here I appreciate. We bought a nice house for $350k and got rid of our mortgage quickly, which has given us tremendous financial freedom. The weather is fine – I like having four seasons and winter is a lot milder than it was when I was growing up in a nearby state 30 years ago. Our city is pretty boring, but I’m not someone who needs to live somewhere exciting. I like living somewhere boring but easy, and traveling for adventure. I actually kind of like that we don’t agree with the state politics, it feels like we have more impact here than we would in a blue state (caveat that our governor is relatively sane by GOP standards and we’re in a bit of a blue bubble in our school district and friend group).
The hardest thing is the lack of community, which I know is the case for a lot of trailing spouses. We have people here we’re friendly with and socialize with, but no ride or die besties. We moved away from my two best friends and we since all had kids at the same time and I often get sad thinking about what it would have been like for our kids to grow up together. We go back there annually, but it’s not the same. My parents moved here after my husband got tenure and they’re very involved with our family, which I really appreciate. I know a lot of academic families don’t have local family nearby because of the moving around required, so I’m very grateful we do.
Anon.
Are we from the same place? Guessing, Indiana?
I agree with everything you say rearding ease of living, while at the same time not having a “village” supporting you. The difference between the university-associated peers who moved here without a support network, and the local folks who have all family within an hours drive is stark.
On the other hand, I’m originally from a capital city in Europe, and now get anxiety on the metro there – so many people, too dense!!!
Anon.
Me!
This may out me, but we moved to a Midwestern state from Europe due to my husband getting a tenure track position here. Every job the local university (a well-known school) offered me would have been half of what I earned in my previous job in Europe. So, I chose a job with a global company in a major city an hour away, and put up with the 70 minute commute for 3 years. The pandemic was a total change of pace, because finally I got to enjoy our big house and garden. and I’m glad I get to work from home 99% of the time still, due to management and team being dispersed globally.
Help please!
Please help me shop for an elderly relative. She needs pants but does not like the look of sweats, so perhaps a few sets of easy to pull on slacks with a matching top? Size is probably medium. Trying to keep costs low and order online.
Anon
This sounds a bit like a Costco; maybe check out what they have currently?
Sunshine
Costco could be a great option. I find their shirts at least run big. I am a small in most mall stores and I swim in a Costco sized small shirt. So if she is a medium usually, you may want to try smalls. I find Costco returns are so easy.
Anon
Alfred Dunner, baby! That’s what they’re for. (I say this with affection for the outfits my grandmother wore from them for years.)
Anon
Oh, yes. I can remember my grandmother pulling out a new outfit and saying “THIS is an Alfred Dunner,” as if it had just come off the runway at NYFW. Buy outfits, she said. Always buy outfits. She was not wrong.
Anonymous
I can just picture your grandma. :)
Pep
+1 to Alfred Dunner. It’s like Garanimals for that demographic. Buy online at JCP, Macy’s, etc.
JustmeintheSouth
Second this!
Anon
I swear I’m one step away from Alfred Dunner as I tug up my stretchy jeans again.
Anon
J.Jill has nice pull on pants. I would check the sale section on their website
Anon
Went to mod the first time so trying again: I would check the sale section at J.Jill
Anon
Lands End has pants like this, including their Starfish collection.
Moose
Yup! My rec.
Anon
My 90 year old aunt-in-law loves Lands End
Anon
I am half her age and I also love lands end. I get my cashmere sweaters from them and they’re way better than J Crew or Nordstrom brands.
Anonymous
Min Wang or Misook, if she likes nicer things. My MIL loved them.
Anon
Land’s End for sure.
Honey
Not an old lady, but I wear a lot of pull-on pants due to a disability. I found a bunch of pants at Old Navy recently. Also, for something “fancier,” I like the Grace Karin pants on Amazon.
Trish
JCP.
Anonymous
Just came back from visiting my mother in her retirement community and she says all the ladies there are wearing Athleta pants – loose fitting, non-jogger styles. (There is a store in walking distance of their houses.)
Seventh Sister
Chico’s has nice-looking pull on pants, not too expensive if you watch for sales. The tops are usually coordinating and some are even stylish-ish.
NW Islander
Lands End starfish pants. Available in different lengths, huge size range, and crazy sales all the time. My mom was so fussy about clothes as her ALZ progressed and these pants were a lifesaver.
Seventh Sister
Another option is Uniqlo. I’m wearing pull-on navy slacks from there today, and wore a black pair yesterday. Especially if she’s on the shorter/slimmer side, it may work well and not too expensive. Also Eileen Fisher if you are willing to shop sales.
shanananana
Friend in NY is having rotator cuff surgery next week and I live out of state. She lives alone but has some friends local who can drop her off some frozen food and check in on her, but trying to figure out how I can best be supportive from here. I tend to be a care package person, but for some reason this time feel at a loss of what to send her. Considered a food delivery gift card, as I know she has lots of options where she is, but am also open to ideas.
OOO
Adaptive shirts, ice pack with Velcro strap, pillow to help you sleep on your side. Links to follow
OOO
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B07XZPD67Z?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title
https://www.amazon.com/PharMeDoc-Organic-Cotton-Pregnancy-Pillow/dp/B098D6TTLF/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=22NB1W5LV3XML&keywords=pharmedoc+pregnancy+pillow&qid=1680789893&sprefix=pharmedoc%2Caps%2C172&sr=8-4
https://www.amazon.com/Relief-Expert-Shoulder-Rotator-Reusable/dp/B09KLPX7X8/ref=asc_df_B09KLPX7X8/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=563661029478&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=18259508613431752010&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9017203&hvtargid=pla-1648665512108&psc=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw27mhBhC9ARIsAIFsETF2PmX7AaDgNfUQWx0LNOcl7HSJd7H4Z3W5veByj7glRZt2unyctj8aAmVrEALw_wcB
Anonymous
I wish you were my friend when I damaged my rotator cuff several years ago1 This is a great set of links.
London (formerly NY) CPA
If you want to send a treat, rather than something strictly practical, I highly recommend sending Levain cookies. I sent some to a friend after she lost a family member and they were hugely appreciated.
Anon
+1 – I feel like most people can figure out doordash and it’s nothing special but fancy cookies are
Anon
You can get Levain cookies through Doordash actually – they have lots of “fancy” foods available for shipping.
Anon
Right but my point is a doordash GC is a bit anticlimactic and doesn’t feel like a gift
Anon8
I always love a big stack of magazines and flowers.
Paper
+1 to good old-fashioned magazines on paper.
Anon
My 10 year old cat has been losing small tufts of hair pretty consistently for a few weeks now. I can’t tell whether this is springtime shedding or if it’s something that’s worth a vet visit. I normally wouldn’t hesitate to go to the vet, but she is an extremely sensitive cat who finds the vet very traumatizing. Gabapentin is a must, but we have had real difficulty getting her to take it and we have tried everything. Anyone have thoughts on whether we should try to go anyway?
Anon
Do you have any active Chewy subscriptions? Anyone who does can get free online veterinary consultations with Chewy’s vets.
Monday
I can’t speak to the hair issue, but my cat is also extremely resistant to the vet. Bringing her annually is a major production.
My instructions from the vet are to give her Gabapentin both the night before the appointment, and then again the next day 2 hours prior. This does work in that she is cooperative at the appointment–she’s not herself at all, and I don’t like seeing it, but I’d feel worse never bringing her in. As for actually administering the medication, pills are easier than liquid for me. I catch her, prop her jaw open, place the pill in, and then hold her until I can confirm the pill has been swallowed. All while speaking in soft, sweet tones about how I’m doing this because I love her!
Rainbow Hair
IDK if this is helpful, but to medicate my cats, I finally learned about approaching them from behind. Now that I do it that way, it seems impossible to do it any other way. Cat is between my knees-ish, with us both facing the same way. Left hand pops mouth open, right hand pops meds in. Anyway, sharing in case that’s helpful…
Anonymous
This plus wrap them in a towel.
Amelia Pond
this is what I do too! you basically kneel on top floor the cat so they can’t move side to side or backwards. I’m pretty sure I watched a YouTube video of someone doing this. it works much better than the other methods I tried.
Anonymous
I wish this worked for me. My cat clenches her jaw shut.
Betsy
My cat is losing tufts of hair too, it’s springtime shedding. Unless your cat actually looks bald, I wouldn’t worry about it.
Anonymous
Where do you live? There are some [relatively] affordable concierge vet services in NYC where they come to your home. Game changer for cats! My friend is a vet who does it and the fee is $270, which is the same I pay for a regular office visit. If you are in NYC I will share a link! Or something to Google in your location.
Anon
Can you please share? Not the OP but ugh the vet struggle is real with my cat too.
Anon
In rural areas, vets that treat farm animals make house calls, too.
BB
+1 to this! We had a great home visit vet in Boston (At Home Veterinary) and it was wonderful for our last cat who hated being out of her territory. Totally worth doing an online search to see what is in your area.
Ses
I would check it, even though it’s likely nothing. Anecdata: for one cat this + weight loss was thyroid and needed medication, for another it was a weird kidney disease side effect.
Ses
It’s seasonally normal too, but if you’ve had the cat for a while you know if this is ordinary
Monday
FYI following on the Ozempic discussion: the newest Death Panel podcast is on Ozempic. This is a group of health care researchers and activists talking critically about how it’s being marketed and the problematic health policies informing the situation. If that doesn’t interest you, please disregard this comment!
Annie Nominous
Sounds interesting! Thanks.
Coach Laura
The WSJ has an article this week about Mounjaro, another diabetes drug that the WSJ says will be the KingKong of weight loss drugs. The stats are amazing, I’m just not sure about the risk of taking a drug versus the side effects of being overweight. https://www.wsj.com/articles/ozempic-mounjaro-weight-loss-drug-wegovy-eli-lilly-66f2906?mod=Searchresults_pos1&page=1
Facility Fees
Hi all, my husband had a five minute procedure at a Medstar center in DC and has been charged a $250 facility fee that insurance refuses to pay (although they covered most of the other costs of the procedure). I understand why they have refused to pay the facility fee, but do we have any recourse? Medstar is insisting he signed a document authorizing the fee but also refusing to provide that document. I know facility fees are growing in popularity but they are just absolutely enraging. Any suggestions? File a complaint with someone? If so who?
Anonymous
Omg just pay it it’s a totally reasonable and normal thing
Anon
It may be normal but it’s certainly not reasonable and it’s a lot of money for a lot of people!
Anon
Yeah, but generally speaking the advice is not “don’t pay the bill you don’t like.”
Anon
Unpopular opinion, but I actually think “don’t pay the bill you don’t like” is actually good advice when it comes to medical bills. Medical debt is really different than other kinds of debt. It doesn’t typically accrue interest, doesn’t affect your credit score the way other debt does, and if it goes to collections the provider will often accept a small percentage of the original bill as payment (as low as 10%). I let all our medical bills go to collections and settle for much less than the original sticker price. And I’m someone who would never dream of paying a credit card bill late. Just one perspective.
Anon
I’m mean… you’re not wrong. I tell people who are poor and have terrible insurance to do this. But if you can afford your care, and are just playing the system, it’s kind of a drag you are doing this. Because that means I’m paying higher because of you.
But I don’t really mind that much because I think our whole system is a disaster and totally unfair on so many levels.
Anon
I’m not poor but I do have pretty bad insurance (despite working for state government with “good” benefits). We have a family deductible over $10k so we have to pay full price for everything non-preventative, but we get charged the insurance price, which is much higher than what we’d pay if we were uninsured. So I don’t feel too guilty about it.
anon
Yeah, I hear you. I call that bad insurance.
Anonymous
No it isn’t. It is a scam to extract more money from people outside of the rates contracted with health insurers. It should be illegal.
Anon
Anonymous at 11:39: are you at all capable of ever making a comment that’s not snarky, mean or ridiculous? If not, maybe work on that.
Anon
I would pleasantly agree to pay the charges he agreed to once they furnish the signed document that discloses those charges, and politely resist until that time. In writing.
Anon
Absolutely do not pay it until they provide documentation saying you are required to pay it. But it doesn’t make sense to me that you understand they are refusing to pay the facility fee, yet don’t want to pay it?! If you understand, you pay it. If they are trying to trick you to pay something that you shouldn’t be liable for, or your insurance didn’t process it correctly, then you don’t pay it.
I am not familiar with Medstar centers. Are they a private chain or something?
But this is a good reminder that prior to procedures you should always check with your insurance as to what you cover. Facility fees are typical in my area, and are sometimes the most expensive part of the bill. My insurance has a lot of differences between doing procedures at independent clinics vs. hospital settings. But it is usually a lot heaper/better insurance coverage when you go to a free standing clinic.
I would also check with your person at work who helps with insurance issues, as they may have experience with other issues like this, as I assume you went to this center because you knew they were within your network? Because if you choose a location in your network, then usually the facility fees are covered too
Anon
My insurance clearly and repeatedly explained to me that the agreements they made with each individual facility are different, but also private between them and the facility.
Anon
So did they reveal this to you before you made the appointment there when they did the prior authorization? Did your work plan tell you they were in-network, but had this additional non-covered charge ahead of time? If not this seems to be a bit grey and I would fight, and at a minimum demand the self pay discount.
anon
Ironic that the Price Transparency Act requires insurance companies to publish this information. Regulations and enforcement have been delayed due to “widespread noncompliance” in the industry.
anon
This still doesn’t make sense. Is it in network, or not? A covered facility or not covered facility?
Healthcare in Texas
If you decide to pay it, ask them for the cash-payer/self-pay discount. You are entitled to it because the fee is outside your insurance coverage. It can be as much as 50%.
Anon
+1
Some places will try to resist giving you the discount, and some will try to tell you that you had to request the discount before the procedure or even prepay to get the discount. This is NOT true, but most people just give up and don’t demand it. So keep resisting until they give you the discount. Just keep asking for a higher level supervisor if the junior person refuses. They will lie.
anon a mouse
Did you get a preauthorization from insurance? If so that should have itemized the costs.
You can look to see if your insurance company lists preferred facilities (BCBS calls them “Blue Distinction Center Facilities”) – it seems reasonable that if insurance recognizes a facility it should pay the fee or negotiate to waive it for its patients.
You can complain to the DC Health Department as they should license the center, but I wouldn’t hold out much hope.
Seventh Sister
If they can’t give you the document authorizing the fee, then too bad, so sad, you can’t pay the fee because there is no basis for paying the fee. I’d just start ignoring the bills and calls for a while and see what happens.
Another option is to ask for a payment plan, say $10 every month for the next 25 months.
anon
I would not pay until the facility provides the documentation establishing that you owe the facility fee. Even then, I would negotiate this down.
Why is the insurance company refusing to pay the facility fee? If the facility is in network with your husband’s insurance, and the service is covered, then the facility typically has to take contracted rates (even if that’s $0) and not balance bill the insured. If the facility is in network, I’d complain to the insurance company that the facility is trying to balance bill you for the fee.
If the facility is out of network, but the doctor was in network, then the No Surprises Act requires the facility to provide a disclosure and estimate of the bill before the procedure. The burden is on them to prove that your husband signed this form.
Anon
Are you sure that is not your copayment or coinsurance for the facility? It is definitely common to have a separate facility fee, and many plans have a copay or coins applied to that facility.
Anonymous
Is it a co-pay? That sounds like a pretty round number and a very common standard co-pay for a facility.
KW
Does anyone have the featured blouse? I want to order it but wondering how sheer it is.
Anon
Also wondering the same as this is the second blog that has featured it!
Anon
Ladies, I posted a couple weeks ago about a refugee family I’m helping and expressing thanks to the wide variety of charities that help women in need afford abortions. (This loving family learned at the 22 week ultrasound that their baby has severe, life-limiting birth defects. They’ve only just arrived in America and aren’t on their feet yet and already have 5 children. They just can’t take this on.)
I have two niche questions for this board. We’re in northern Virginia, specifically Alexandria. Does anyone know of:
1) a charity that helps the poor afford burials (the cheapest I’ve found here in NoVA is $3k)
2) a Muslim (Sunni) cleric who would be willing to say prayers over a 24 week aborted baby? I’ve called different mosques and have had no luck reaching humans! I don’t understand why no one answers the phone. (Procedurally, I understand it’s actually 4 men to say the prayers who are needed. The family doesn’t know that many people that they can ask.) This quest may be significantly hampered by the fact that Islam holds that a soul enters the fetus at 120 days and this baby is ~170 days.
The procedure is Tuesday, and it’s their custom that the dead be buried immediately, so this would be needed by Tuesday. I figured if anyone knew these things, you smart ladies might. Thank you all.
Monday
No answers for your questions, but thank you for all you are doing for this family.
Prohibitive burial expenses are such a problem right now. This really hit me when one of my patients’ father died, and the family scattered his ashes and nothing else due to the cost. She referred to family GoFundMe campaigns after a death as if it’s simply understood: someone dies –> family makes a GoFundMe. That’s just how it works for handling family remains. I believe their own GoFundMe was the only way they were able to pay for her father’s cremation; and again, that was all they could do.
anon a mouse
You need to join and ask the FB group “Alexandria BN spin-off spin-off,” which is not really a true Buy Nothing and sort of the wild west of community help. (And honestly it’s fantastic. Someone recently posted an ask for a tree stump and it was fulfilled!)
Nonny
Have you tried the Islamic cultural center in NW DC? I know they do weddings and funerals and have a community support function. They might have some ideas of a cleric willing to do a service.
Anon.
Yes, I would try to find the local or regional Islamic society/mosque/cultural center etc. Also, Turkish immigrant groups are often very resourceful, at least where I live.
Nonny
Have you tried the Islamic Cultural Center in NW DC? They have a big community outreach function and I know they do basic services (weddings, funerals) Maybe they can identify a cleric willing to do something for this family in such a difficult situation.
Anon
Farther from you, but if your aren’t getting other responses maybe the Imaan Center in Silver Spring can help? It might be harder to get a hold of people because of Ramadan.
Anon
Can someone just walk over to one of the Mosques and ask for help in person?
Anecdata
for burials — agree with the suggestions to seek advice from an imam re what would be wanted but it is very common for catholic cemeteries to offer free plots for children (of any faith) and the Trappist monks also offer free caskets for children
DMV Anononon
Can you post a burner? I am a Muslim in the DMV area. I can reach out to several friends who are active in various mosques to see if the family can be put in touch with someone. Unfortunately, mosques are not usually staffed so it’s unlikely you’ll get anyone by cold calling and the best way to get connected to anyone is word of mouth. For the first question, some places may have funds for this already but otherwise they can reach out to their respective community members and people may be willing to donate.
Anonymous
A lot of mosques dont have the man power to answer the phone. I would consider just going to the mosque at prayer time and seeing if someone would do a funeral prayer. I’m on some progressive Muslim Facebook groups. I can ask around to see if someone would do the funeral prayer if it turns out to be a theological issue that some local folks don’t want to do the funeral prayer.
Anon
Have you spoken to the hospital chaplain yet? They may be able to make an introduction.
Anon
Couldn’t you just tell the cleric the baby died and not go into the circumstances of how? I know someone who did that with a priest.
No Face
Do any of you have a small backpack for weekend use that you absolutely love? I am about to retire my giant diaper backpacks and need a replacement.
Anon
I love my small longchamp backpack. It’s simple like the tote bags (one little inside pocket and that’s it) and very lightweight. It’s roomy enough for my basic daily things plus a hardcover book, but not any bigger. I also have a fjalraven kanken for when I need to carry more stuff and like it as well. It only fits really skinny water bottles in the side pockets though.
London (formerly NY) CPA
+1 on the Longchamp backpack. I love it so much I bought it in a second color, and wear it most weekends. Also great for travel. I highly recommend looking into a felt bag organizer for the backpack so it 1) has a little more structure and 2) doesn’t just turn into a black hole.
Coach Laura
It looks like the Longchamps one would be great to put in a suitcase and use for sightseeing.
Anon
No recommendations but congratulations on losing the giant diaper backpack.
Anonymous
I like the Calpak mini. It still holds a lot of stuff. I also have their fanny pack/belt bag, which I like for days when I don’t need a lot of stuff.
Anonymous
Sporty or fashion-y? For sporty I really like Osprey.
Anon
The Osprey Daylite Plus has been a versatile workhorse for me.
Anon
Lululemon has cute backpacks.
Lydia
yes! this one. despite the weird search engine optimized name, it’s actually on the small side: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07YCDRKBQ/
Anon8
Absolutely losing it over “CLUCI.” Has a less appealing name ever existed??
Anon
There are definitely worse ones on that s1te! Like Sweaty Rocks or Furtalk.
Cb
My mom bought me the fjallraven knockoff and I like it even better than the original. It’s the fancy forest kalidi, and it’s got better water bottle storage, and some nice organisational features.
Anon
I have this convertible backpack and absolutely love it. https://www.botkier.com/products/chelsea-convertible-hobo-smoke
No Face
So many great options. Thanks!
Anonymous
I’ve been using the Kate Spade Adel Medium Flap Backpack on a daily basis for over a year, which is much longer than I’ve used any of my handbags (including Polene, Lo and Sons, Cuyana). The locking closure is fantastic, and it fits more than it looks like it can. I usually have keys, a card stacker wallet, iPhone Max, sunglasses, first aid kit, mini makeup kit, wipes, hand sanitizer, and battery charger in there, and can even cram in a Perrier bottle without it losing its shape. I have it in a light greige color, which has not gotten scratched or stained despite heavy use.
Anon
I have a black leather coach backpack from the 90s. I don’t wear it shy more because I’ve mostly given up black. But my early 20s daughter, who was wearing mom jeans before anyone else several years ago, gasped when I pulled it out of a box and has been using it constantly ever since. In case you’re wondering what is fashionable. I’d rather buy coach vintage on eBay than buy coach new. It was better back then.
LT
I have this Lulu one and absolutely adore it. It fits a ton without being bulky and is very nondescript. I travel with it a lot too. They have 2 sizes – 20L (which I have) and a mini 11L.
https://shop.lululemon.com/p/bags/City-Adventurer-Backpack/_/prod8540254?color=47780&sz=ONESIZE
Wegovy Story
I was late to the discussion on Ozempic/Wegovy the last few days, but wanted to share my story. I am insulin resistant and have never been able to successfully lose weight without medicinal help. I previously had the most success with Metformin and strict keto, but I couldn’t handle the gastrointestinal issues from both the medicine and the diet. My inability to process carbs well meant that most standard diets (WW/Noom) caused me to gain weight rather than lose it. Last summer I started Saxenda and then Wegovy and have lost 40 lbs and hit my goal weight.
I was strictly dieting when I first started the drugs (low carb and low fat). While I have relaxed my dieting, I still eat pretty healthy (mostly meat and veggies for dinner and salads for lunch), though I do eat almost whatever I want on weekends. Apart from actually being able to easily lose weight, Wegovy has had two main impacts on me. The first is that it changes your brain chemistry with regard to pleasure centers around food – not only does this mean I have zero cravings for food, but a recently discovered side effect is that it also diminishes interest in alcohol. I was never a big drinker, but now I don’t drink anything because I can’t stand the taste. This has also resulted in some doctors prescribing Wegovy for substance abuse issues, which will be really interesting to watch going forward (and for everyone who tries to fat-shame or say it’s purely cosmetic, I wonder if they’d feel the same way if someone was taking the drug to kick an alcohol addiction).
The second most important impact for me is that it has changed my metabolism and gotten rid of my insulin resistivity. I can now eat carbs without impact to my weight. While I still try to avoid pasta and bread, I have been able to reintroduce potatoes and rice into my diet for the first time in a very long time. My doctor has told me I can stay on Wegovy for the rest of my life or slowly start to wean myself off and see if I start to gain weight. I’ve had zero side effects from the drug, it’s covered by my insurance and I’m too thrilled with the results to risk going off, so I plan to stay on for life, or at least as long as it’s covered by insurance.
If anyone asks about my weight loss, I’m happy to tell them about the drug. It’s been a life changer for me and I wish I’d known about it sooner. There’s no shame in taking medicine for medical conditions, whether that’s insulin resistivity or obesity. And while there are shortages of the drug now, I’m hoping that more prescriptions for it mean that they can ramp up production and ultimately get the costs down to a more reasonable level for everyone whose insurance won’t cover it.
anon
Thank you for sharing. THESE are the stories that need to be told. Not bait clicking “Guess which of these celebs too Ozempec!?”, which was a legit headline I saw on a web page I visit with some frequency. Then, because I’ve probably g o o gled the word recently, I’m getting adds and reels following me around for a recent Andy Cohen bit where he is asking the RHO-wherever who took the drug before the reunion show. They’re all stick thin. And, Chelsea Handler can go pound sand – ” I didn’t know i was taking it!” Those sounds bites are exhausting and incorrectly informing people about the drug and it’s use. It has a very, very real use for people that goes so far beyond vanity. No doubt it’s being abused, and that’s what everyone loves to talk about.
Signed,
Your sister in insulin resistance and semaglutide user
Anon
I absolutely agree with all of this. Obesity is a metabolic disorder, a medical condition, and it should be treated as such. There is zero shame in taking medication and it makes me really happy to see so many women who have struggled for years find something that improves their quality of life and health.
Anon
Thank you for sharing.
No Face
Thank you for sharing. Very helpful.
Anon
Another thank you. It makes me crazy that so much of the discussion surrounding this drug is about people using it to lose “that last 10 pounds”. Certainly there are doctors prescribing it inappropriately but its intended use is to treat people whose are clinically obese or overweight with weight related health issues. My teenage niece is taking it and even after a few months it has been life changing, although she still has a long way to go.
She was more than 100 pounds over-weight (I will add – although I should not have to – that neither her parents nor siblings has a weight problem) and already had health issues that no teenager should have. This drug has been an absolute miracle for both her physical and mental health. And if she has to take it forever, it will still be better than the medications she had to take and would have to take in the future to deal with the side effects of her weight.
The family has gotten together to pay for it because her insurance will pay to treat her diabetes and her multiple orthopedic issues but apparently not her weight loss – which is a whole other issue.
Ouch
I just got broken up with over text by a guy I was casually seeing for 2 months. He did it politely. My feelings are hurt, and I don’t even want to respond. I know it’s not a reflection of my worth, but this feels so hard. I’m so careful to be deliberate, show interest but not too much interest, etc. It all feels hard, and the scariest part is I can’t even bring myself to cry because this is just dating life.
Monday
I’m sorry. Tears may come at some point, or not. You don’t have to reply if you don’t want to.
Anon
I’m so sorry. That sucks.
Anon
I am so sorry.
Anon
I don’t know that you need to respond. You have permission from this internet stranger to go forth and be fabulous without ever replying to his text.
Internet hugs and a pint of your favorite ice cream from this stranger.
anon
+1 I have been dating on and off for years. It sucks. It’s hard. I cry sometimes. And sometimes I feel like a cold hearted beyotch when I don’t get sad and disappointed but shrug.
I’m sorry. Hugs in solidarity.
Senior Attorney
Ugh, so sorry. It feels hard because it is hard. And you don’t have to respond if you don’t want to.
Anon
I’m sorry. Hugs?
You’re allowed to cry. You don’t have to put yourself on a tightrope when dating.
Anon
I hate a world that texts such things.
OP, I’m so sorry.
Anon
Dating sucks. I’m sorry. I was single and dating for 4 years in NYC and it was a complete nightmare! I’d cry, take a relaxing bath with a glass of wine tonight. Pamper yourself, vent to a friend and then go out and have some fun this weekend!!
Anon
I am so sorry – sending you hugs! I know it is so hard to put yourself out and then have to pick yourself up, time and time again. I feel like I went on a million dates before I met my husband. Hang in there – we are rooting for you.
Anon
I know it hurts now, and big hugs to you, but long term you dodged a bullet because what kind of a-hole breaks up with someone they’ve been seeing for months by text? An avoidant asshole, that’s who.
kag
Any recommendations for an interior designer or someone else who will help me to brainstorm and source furniture and lighting? Budget is up to 500 for a consultation on a living room.
I’m in DC, moving to a brand new condo, don’t have almost any furniture as for now.
I’m also open to other options – any recommendations on furniture and decor (stores, particular items)? Where do you buy art or get vintage items?
Anonymous
Happy to help brainstorm! What’s your style and budget?
kag
I don’t want the space to be overly uniform. As for now I like Sedona bar stools (but they are ridiculously expensive). I am weirdly attracted to capiz lights, wooden and rattan benches and concrete coffee tables. Of course I’m not going to put all of that in one room ;) we need a big comfortable couch as well. It seems that my esthetics is basic – cb2 meets Amber Lewis (though I don’t have much space and my kid is small).
There is an open kitchen with white woodwork, white marble-like backdrop, black fixtures and black marble-like kitchen island.
Budget is, say, 5k-10k? I could splurge on a piece or two and go more affordable with the remaining pieces. Or take a few more months to save for a table that I fell in love with and up the budget. Basically, for the first time in my life I can afford to not do IKEA, but I don’t know how.
Anonymous
Ok. If you splurge, I’d start with the couch. That’s your big budget item. I have had a good experience with maiden home and I like the look of their dune sofa in a mid color for what you’re describing. I’d grab the largest jute rug from Etsy that comfortably fits your space then find a vintage Turkish or Persian rug to that you like to layer over it. Make sure it’s about a foot smaller all around. You’ll pull the colors from there for your upholstery and pillows. West elm lighting is pretty good and I’ve actually had luck with minted for larger art pieces already framed. Smalls art pieces are fun to pick up on Craigslist or whatever to layer over them. I’d recommend stowed for the stools, I love mine and they wipe clean. I think they have some chairs that have caning like the ones you talked about but I’m not sure about stools. Don’t forget windows-look at professional treatments if possible. I might choose a big ottoman or bench with an ottoman tray in place of a coffee table because it makes your couch sectional-level cozy and your little one won’t get hurt. Charish and first dibs are really fun for vintage small pieces just be sure to search locally so shipping doesn’t eclipse the price of the piece. Hope this helps.
Anon
With your design style I’d go with Havenly. I just did a room with them and they were a bad fit for me on a few levels but their designers would be great with this.
LT
Agree! I had a good experience with them doing my bedroom when I moved into my current apartment and am about to engage them again to do the living room in the new place I’m moving to. Definitely felt like I got a lot of value out of the experience.
Anon
If you like West Elm style, they have free consultations. I worked with Maria at the Logan Circle location and she was great.
For art, I’ve had luck on Etsy but it can take a lot of time to dig.
For vintage items, I’d look at Craigslist or go to estate sales.
Anonymous
I used Havenly, an online interior decoration website. You fill out a style personality quiz, then they match you with a couple options for designers who frequently design in your style, and you can look at their past projects and pick the designer you want. You upload pics, a floorplan, and a budget, and then it’s an iterative process. It costs about $200, and then they make a commission on any furniture you buy from them–mostly West Elm and Pottery Barn furniture, at least at my budget. I went through about 3 rounds with my designer, for a bedroom, and ended up with a nightstand, dresser, 2 lamps, and a plant that I really like. I never would have thought to get black and gold lamps, but she pulled out the black from a rug I had already and it looks really good.
As far as art, there are a lot of street fairs where you can get great prints–the cherry blossom festival this weekend, Adams Morgan day, Takoma street fest in September, the street fair in Logan Circle–but for sculptures or paintings you might want to check out the bigger art fairs that happen once or twice a year in Baltimore and the suburbs. There’s also the Brookland Arts Walk by Catholic, though I think there are limited hours, and most farmers markets have at least one stall selling pottery/sculpture/prints/paintings. And there are a few galleries by the convention center.
Anona
I did a free consultation at the Room and Board on 14. Only got a couch from them, but executed on the design ideas through FB marketplace.
Anon
Can anyone speak to the pros and cons of ventless washers and dryers? Am considering getting ventless versions so that they can be located in a better spot in my house. Thanks!
Anon8
Several years ago I lived in an apartment with an LG ventless washer dryer combo. I loved not having to transfer the clothes between the washer and dryer, but they never came all the way dry no matter what and it took FOREVER compared to a regular vented dryer. Maybe they’ve improved the tech since 2017, but those were the sticking points I had. FWIW, I now own a house and opted for a regular vented dryer.
Anon
Ventless dryers take forever to dry anything.
Anon
+1
When I had one, the only thing I dried were sheets and towels. I hung up everything else to dry, which you clothes like! And I would even give up with towels and only partially dry them and then hang them up too.
NYCer
+2. Is the only allowable option in our co-op building, so we make do. But the dryer is S L O W.
Anon
I have a condenser dryer, if that’s what you mean by ventless? It reuses the steam produced, turning it into energy/heat and captures the water in a tank (or you can have it plumbed in).
I love them! Very energy efficient so a lot cheaper to run.
Anon
I have them in my condo – the previous owners installed them. Mine are Miele. I don’t notice a huge difference, although I think the cycles are longer and occasionally I have to run the dryer a little longer for things to fully dry. Also, they don’t get as hot as regular dryers so your clothes don’t come out piping hot. Caveat that I’m a single person and if I had kids or more laundry I might be more annoyed with the downsides, but by myself I barely notice a difference.
Cat
I had them in an apartment and loathed them. It would take 3 hours to dry bath towels.
BB
The good condenser dryers (Electrolux/Miele) are great and almost as good as a vented dryer! Bad ones (had a bad LG one once) are pretty crappy. It is actually better for your clothes to not be blasted with dry hot air. My current Miele one does a great job of drying and I only occasionally need to just shake out some damp air from clothes when I take them out. It seems to have some trouble with big sheets, but so did the normal vented dryer we used to have.
Anon
I was surprised by the complaints here, but your explanation makes sense.
I have an Asko and been happy with it. It hasn’t damaged my clothes as much as the old dryers.
Anon
Funeral etiquette questions:
Sudden in-law family death. We don’t know when the funeral is. Spouse will travel to their area asap but I am staying home in part because it is spring break and have pets but no sitter and most people we know are gone already (but might have been helpers in other weeks).
Spring break plans are cancelled but now I think I don’t know when the funeral is and we will be seen as unfeeling jerks if we can’t make it (giant dog often not allowed in hotels, 10 hour car trip). I feel really stuck and this is awful. Did not think that this would be how dog ownership would be. It isn’t the dogs fault. But I haven’t navigated this before — got the dog over COVID when we weren’t going anywhere and he was a tiny pound puppy mutt then.
Anon
Maybe start calling boarding facilities now so you have a list once you find out?
Anon
Lots of hotels are fine with *one* big dog, and if he rides well, a 10 hour car trip is just a big nap.
I like Hampton Inns for their consistency and many are dog friendly (I travel with a greyhound).
Anon
+ 1 there are plenty of hotels you can take one large dog to.
anonshmanon
I think LaQuinta chain is usually pet friendly?
Anon
Have you looked on Rover? There are tons of sitters there. But ultimately if you can’t find a sitter, you just need to board the dog. I’m a dog person who owns an *extremely* neurotic chihuahua with severe separation anxiety, so I get that dogs complicate travel in general, but saying you can’t travel to a funeral because of a dog seems like a pretty flimsy excuse. Board the dog for a few days, it will survive.
Senior Attorney
I agree with this. I think the funeral comes way before the dog’s comfort.
Anon
+1
Please don’t miss the funeral for this. Please.
pugsnbourbon
Check your local FB groups for dog-sitters, too. And double-check with hotels – if you find one that allows smaller dogs, call the front desk and see if they’ll make an exception for a one-night stay. We stayed at a pet-friendly Homewood Suites last summer.
Anonymous
So. There’s a funeral. You’d like to go. But dog care is a challenge. Is your question how do I find a last minute dog sitter? Because I’d get on rover right now and start looking and then also figure out the fastest turn around time you can get if you fly in and out (Obvi your spouse stays).
Anon
You can’t miss your in-law’s funeral because of a dog. Board the dog.
Anon
Agreed, and I treat my dogs like children.
Cerulean
OP said “in-law family”, which to me indicates that it isn’t her MIL or FIL. If it’s your spouse’s aunt (for example), I don’t think it’s a huge deal to skip. I would definitely attend for anyone in your spouse’s immediate family though.
Nesprin
Call your vet, ask if any of the techs would want to pet sit.
Anon
If you have a neighborhood FB group, post there to see if any teens or retired adults want to pet sit? Even if it’s spring break, not every family is traveling.
Anon
OP here again:
Dog is badly-growls with people entering the house and intimidating physically, so most new dog walkers would likely leave in terror. I’m not sure that is realistic and the neighbors he knows are gone.
Also, spouse is the one who is anti boarding, so this is antagonizing to him and it is his family with the death so trying to tread lightly. Driving with the dog later may be best. I think Kimptons are dog-friendly so maybe that.
Anon
I’m the person who suggested Rover and I wasn’t suggesting a dog walker. Behavioral issues aside, I don’t think it’s fair to leave the dog alone in the house and just have a dog walker come a few times a day. Rover has pet-sitters who will take your dog overnight. You can even select for ones that will allow your dog to sleep in bed with them, if that’s something you want. There’s a mix of people on Rover – some are college students who don’t know that much about dogs, but there are also lots of people there who have vet training. Our current dog sitter is a former vet tech we found on Rover, and she’s way more knowledgeable than we are about dogs. I’m sure she’s equipped to handle all kinds of behavioral issues. You can also typically do a free meet and greet so the dog can get comfortable with the person. I also think asking at the vet if any of their employees want to dog sit is a good idea. You may need a more experienced sitter, but I definitely wouldn’t rule out a dog-sitter altogether.
Anonymous
You may need to just take the dog with you for this trip. But it is a good idea to get your dog used to being boarded in case you need it in the future. Our dog was a big, growly dog, but after a couple of short trial periods at doggy daycare he loved it. The people were great and he always had fun playing with the other dogs. This center also had an area for dogs that could not get along with other dogs in case that was necessary. It was reassuring to know that we could board him for vacations and emergencies. He was also very protective over our house and would not be safe to allow an unfamiliar pet-sitter in, so we did not go that route.
Anonymous
Consider getting an extended stay hotel if you can drive.. they often allow dogs and you can perhaps leave the dog there and periodically come back to check on him. Or an airbnb. I can understand that boarding and dog sitters may not always be optimal.
Anon
Or an airbnb – I travel with a Great Dane who’s skittish, so it’s better to have our own space than try to keep him from woofing when there’s noise in the hall.
Anon
I must be more pro-dog than others here, but I wouldn’t stress if you need to stay behind for this particular event. That said, I’d start working asap on finding pet care for your dog. We board ours through our dog day care. You could also try finding a pet sitter who stays at your place – have them come meet your dog first to get to know him. You’ll run into this problem again so it’s worth solving for in the long run.
Anon
“this particular event” is the funeral of her spouse’s parent, though . . .
Anon
Yeah, I’d follow spouse’s lead though. If it’s going to stress spouse out more to figure out boarding, etc. then I’d defer and stay home with the dog. Not all families operate he same way and my concern would be making things easier for my husband, not what people will say about me.
Anon
You don’t miss an in law’s funeral for a dog. I have a dog. I adore him. He’s fussy and we travel with him. But I’m not missing a close relative’s funeral for him. Not a chance.
Anon
I think this is the time to solve this problem, whether it’s finding the one place to stay that does allow dogs, or finding the one boarding facility that takes him, or the one dog whisperer pet sitter that he is happy to stay with. I hear you that it isn’t an aspect of dog ownership that you anticipated or planned for, but I believe it is solvable. Usually introductions are required since dogs can’t be left with strangers, but in my experience it has been possible to schedule this on sudden notice when other pet sitting options (like friends and family) have fallen through.
Anonymous
There are dog walkers that deal with special needs dogs. But also- is there anyone local to the funeral that you could leave the dog with? Meaning, get in the car, drive 10 hours, then sleep at a hotel but leave your dog in a distant relative or friend’s basement/garage/spare room/mud room. People always want to know how to help when there is a sudden death and this is exactly the sort of thing I would do for a relative of the deceased’s family!
anon for this
I have long suspected that I have ADHD/neurodivergent tendencies, but no actual diagnosis. I was reading an article recently that talked about “masking” strategies for neurodivergence. I’m struggling to understand what that means. Like, if I’m having trouble focusing on my to-do list, and I have to force myself to just buckle down and do it, is that masking because other people have no idea? Or because I can only stay on top of things with a zillion lists and reminders – is that masking, or is that just a general coping strategy that most people use? I’m not looking for medical input here, just trying to help better understand the concept.
Anon
No, none of that is masking. I don’t generally think of masking as being an ADHD thing.
anon
I am not ADHD or ND and I have to do all of those things too. Agree those are not masking. Masking is more camouflaging your natural personality or behavior to conform to social pressures, abuse, or harassment. So, holding back on stimming in a meeting because it “isn’t done” or something like that.
Anonymous
Yes – what she said. It could be that in your home you have a flat affect and don’t show a lot of emotion but have learned that you get better responses if you smile, force eye contact, etc — acting like others to fit in, “masking” your true nature. I saw one TikTok where the woman talked about how during every conversation she counted to 3 for eye contact (look away on 3) and then had another number for when to resume eye contact.
No Face
This is a good description, and is a good example of why masking is so tiring. You are using brain power to actually process the language in the conversation, and counting about eye contact, and forcing the eye contact even though it makes it harder to process the language, etc.
Anonymous
I think masking is more about trying to look and act neurotypical in social situations. (and I don’t mean social per se, but around other people).
Anon
No, those are just strategies (sometimes in the literature it’s called scaffolding) for outsourcing executive function!
Masking is when people on the autism spectrum actively pretend to be allistic (often because they were pressured into doing so). Often it involves hiding signs of autism and mimicking perceived allistic norms without always understanding or intending the significance those norms have to allistic people. It’s not the same as the ordinary codeswitching that allistic people do to fit in or be professional or any of the strategies people of any neurotype use to be productive.
anon for this
Thank you for this explanation and distinction, very helpful.
Qwertypotomas
why in the name of the holy cow do I need to tell a grown person not to interrupt a conversation they are clearly not part of .
apparently I am very mean rude person for ignoring them, the way I would a 3rd grader who forgot a lesson we all learned in kindergarten.
Anon
There must be some more detail to this story.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I tend to think actively snubbing someone who has joined a conversation is, in fact, rude. I think your options are to (a) change the subject and include the new person (and follow up with the original person later), or (b) politely say “I’m sorry, New Person, but …”
Nope. Upon reflection, there is no way to politely exclude a person from a conversation once they are there. As Miss Manners always says, it’s never okay to meet rudeness with more rudeness.
Anon
It really depends on the conversation. It seems like you’re thinking of a c0cktail party scenario, and I agree in that instance. But if OP was having a sensitive conversation, like about an employment matter or something like that, then it’s a different story.
Anon
Or perhaps where a and b are having a work conversation, and c, who knows nothing of the subject and whose business this is not, jumps in at the top of her lungs, talking over a and b and effectively shutting down their work conversation. Welcome to my office. And yes it’s an insanely rude move by c.
Qwertypotomas
person a and b in the middle of an intense conversation, time and person sensitive (it’s not exaggerating to call it possibly life threatening if not resolved)) person b refers to something with a pop cult reference.
person c jumps in and starts talking about said pop culture thing.
maybe, a and b are talking about needing to culture an infection and patient has had multiple nasty ones and they say “gotta catch em all” and c starts talking about Pokemon.
Anon
“Staci, I’m sorry that you happened to pass by and think this was a Pokémon conversation. We are actually talking about my MIL’s health – I’m not trying to be rude but Nancy and I need to finish this discussion.”
anon
It’s totally normal for someone to join in a conversation and it’s absolutely rude to ignore them. Unless there are more details to provide, you’re the one in the wrong.
Anon
Yeah, no, these conversational norms vary by culture. You have no idea what was considered rude or polite in a grown person’s kindergarten, family, or social circles. It could be that in their circles it was considered rude to have a closed conversation in the hearing of other people, for example!
Anon
I was once having a conversation with two friends at a conference, and they were asking me about the CA wildfires. I was upset about them because a family member was badly impacted and one of my friends said “climate change.” Someone I don’t know was apparently eavesdropping and he (of course it was a he) barged in and repeated that stupid Trump line about raking the forests and how it wasn’t climate change, and I lit into him. My basic lines were “I don’t know you, I didn’t ask you, I’d like you to leave.”
He didn’t leave at first and kept trying to argue with me, but then one of my friends (male, which probably made all the difference) said basically the same thing and he finally left.
Stupid thing is that we’re in the same relatively small industry, now I know who he is and I avoid him or anything having to do with him like the plague. Given our relative positions, this hurts him far worse than it hurts me.
Sometimes you do have to tell people to butt out.
Anon
Too bad this blouse is polyester. Ick.
Anon
That’s a shame, it’s a really beautiful design and I would have loved it in silk.
I’m not buying any more plastic in my wardrobe.
Anon
+1
Towelie
+1
Even if you truly don’t mind the feeling of synthetic, non-breathable fabric on your skin all day you can buy this exact top at Zara for $35.
Anon
+1
Never buying another polyester top. Yuck.
Anonymous
+1
Would love to see non-plastic items as a corporette regular feature.
Anon
Husband broke his arm today and has to go in for surgery on it in the next few days.
We have a puppy and building work going on outside plus I’m getting over Covid and am worn out really easily.
What can I do to make his and my life easier for the next six weeks? Should I order him any particular clothes he can wear with a cast?
I have a great frozen meal delivery service, dog walking and someone coming in to help for an hour each day. My friends are offering to help but I’m not sure what to ask for, if anything.
Carrots
Can your friends run errands to pick things up for (prescriptions, snacks, etc.) since it sounds like you have the big stuff planned for? This is the kind of thing I would offer to a friend (“hey, I’m about to run to target – do you need more pain meds, any snacks, a new book because you’ve read everything in your house already, etc.”)
Senior Attorney
Ask for errands… there will be prescriptions to be picked up, groceries beyond what’s in the meal delivery, etc. Maybe ask them to pick up and deliver fluff-and-fold laundry or dry cleaning. Also for sure ask somebody to whisk you away for a drink once a week or so to give you a break, and/or come and sit with the two of you and watch Netflix so you can have a little human companionship.
Hugs to both of you. I broke my arm badly in my 40s and it was no joke!!
Anon
Thanks Senior Attorney, and everyone for your helpful and kind responses
Now might be a nice time to get him subscriptions to a few more streaming services and perhaps a gaming console.
Anonymous
Weekly housecleaner
Davis
Consider asking some friends to check back in a couple weeks. They’ll understand that you’re overwhelmed and need time to see how things are going and what you need as your husband starts his recovery.
Seventh Sister
My husband broke his arm a few years ago and it was pretty rough, you’re doing the right thing having someone come in to help (we didn’t and I regret that economization). Get a bath chair or bench if you can, also he may not be able to drive for a bit so look into Uber, etc., if he needs to go to the office in person.
Anon
This made me realise how long he won’t be able to drive (and Covid head spins make driving hard for me). A transport plan is a good idea, thanks.
Fortunately we already have a bench seat in the shower. So grateful for that! He covered himself in mud in the fall and I washed him off in there before we went to hospital.
Seventh Sister
After a while, my husband could drive short distances, but at first the whole d*mn thing just hurt too much and I had to do all the driving. It was also a balance issue.
Seventh Sister
Be very upfront and assertive about requesting pain medication for him. We had to be really, really pushy about it even though my husband was clearly in a lot of pain. This differs quite a bit from place to place and hospital to hospital, but I very nearly lost it when we were trying to fill his prescriptions and getting these little CYA “substance abuse” lectures when he’s standing next to me with a huge cast and nearly fainting. Yes, we are at the all-night pharmacy because we’ve gone to three others with a legitimate prescription they can’t fill because they only get X amount of opioids per day. Want to see the picture of the shattered bone?
Anon
This is good advice.
Anon
Thank you, yes, he’s so unpleasant when he’s in pain (who isn’t!) and I’d just assumed they’d give him adequate pain relief but all they gave him at hospital was paracetamol.
Seventh Sister
At one (sleep-deprived, truly miserable point), the pharmacist launched into a lecture about “don’t you know this is habit forming” over a hydrocodone scrip and while I usually love pharmacists, I just snapped and said, “if he develops a drug addiction, I will break his other arm myself.” She got really quiet after that, probably trying to figure out if she should call the police.
Anon
If you an afford it, find a good doggie day care to take the puppy to a day or two a week to wear out the puppy. It will help more than you realized.
Anon
Thank you, she’s not fully vaccinated yet so I don’t think they’d take her.
The person helping for an hour said she has a kid who wants to be a vet so I’ll ask her to bring the kid to play with the pup.
Anonymous
Thank you, she’s not fully vaccinated yet so I don’t think they’d take her.
The person helping for an hour said she has a kid who wants to be a vet so I’ll ask her to bring the kid to play with the pup.
Kelsey
Does anyone have any gift suggestions for my 23 year old cousin, who will be attending medical school this fall? Budget would be $100-$300. I don’t think she has a lot of hobbies or interests and she doesn’t wear any makeup. She’s going to a med school in L.A. so no need for a nice coat or any cold weather accessories. Thanks.
Anon
Anything she has now that is unlikely to make it through med school. Consider upgrading her kitchen ware, as one example. Or get her an InstantPot or air fryer to make it easier for her to cook meals when she’s time limited.
Senior Attorney
It gets cold here in the winter! We love our down vests around here — maybe a nice Patagonia?
Coach Laura
I bought my son a Patagonia jacket during med school and he wears it a lot in LA. They last forever.
Sunshine
When I was in a similar position and taking on loans for grad school, I appreciated anything that was basically cash and or made life easier: St*rbucks gift cards, Trader Joes gift cards, DoorDash, etc.
Anon
+1 unless this kid has very rich parents who are funding her schooling in full, cash/gift card is the answer.
Sunshine
Amending to add: sending a $50 -100 gift card per semester would also be awesome. A treat for her to enjoy and be surprised to get over and over.
Notinstafamous
A nice (Staub, le creuset) Dutch oven. It’s so nice to cook in and she can use it for long slow things while she studies.
Anon
If someone sent me an expensive clothing item, or cooking item when I was in medical school I immediately starting thinking of ways to turn it into grocery or coffee money. I frequently returned most of my Christmas presents and got gift cards, to use the next year to buy everyone else Christmas presents. Once my boyfriend and I got into an argument about how frequently to buy fresh berries… because that stuff was expensive! Unless your family member is supported by wealthy parents, she is about to take out $250,000 to $300,000 in student loans over the next 4 years and then be unable to even pay the interest on that for 3-6 years of residency before she can start paying it off. I agree with Trader Joe’s, grocery, or coffee gift cards. Maybe there is a fun coffee shop near the medical school and you could get a specific gift card rather than generic Starbucks.
Anon
Yeah I’m actually baffled by the answers on this thread. I did not need a Dutch Oven or a down vest when I was in law school (and I went to school in the northeast). I needed money for food.
Sarah
I think sometimes people want to give a “nicer” gift than trader joes gift cards – but ultimately all a grad student needs is maybe a nice travel coffee mug, a good laptop, and money for everything else!
I have given things like a good winter jacket or backpack, but that was generally when I knew the person better and knew they didn’t have one.
Anon
Politely disagree, I couldn’t afford coffee out or food out so a group of friends would take turns cooking. I’d have loved a Le Crueset.
I also shopped at thrift stores so would have loved a Patagonia vest.
You could compromise and get her a French press, some ground coffee and an insulated mug.
anon
Money, gift card for food/coffee.
That’s it.
Signed,
Prior med student