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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Sweater dresses have their place, and this gray one from Adrianna Papell feels fresh and fun to me, while still being professional. I'd wear it with a long pendant necklace (or, cough, a brooch) or — for a more casual office — some strong, colorful earrings with my hair up. The fact that it's $120 and already selling out in some colors (it's available in black and red as well as gray) is always a good sign, too. Adrianna Papell Pleated Turtleneck Dress
This affordable ikat dress is similar and comes in plus sizes; I also love this sweater dress with an interesting neckline (in regular and plus sizes).
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-all)
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JuniorMinion
I struggle with these dresses sometimes ending up looking like bodycon in a sweater fabric if they aren’t sufficiently swingy / drapey which is definitely not appropriate on my body type especially… Anyone else have any experiences with these?
Anonymous
I’m apple-shaped so wearing sweater dresses, unless they’re made from really heavy material, is pretty much off the table for me.
anon
I’m apple shaped and I can wear some sweater dresses. The skirt of this dress actually looks like it would work well – the pleats will have some movement, should drape nicely from your waistline, and the texture will be forgiving to a tummy. You can define your waist with a belt; I play around with skinny and wide belts to figure out which looks best.
I hate the top of this dress though. Fitted turtle necks only work on people with narrow shoulders and smaller busts. Apple shapes need to show of a bit of decolletage to lengthen the neck and torso. This dress doesn’t even look flattering on the model, who broad shoulders relative to her hips. I think a pear-shaped woman would look lovely in this dress, though.
anon
Even though this is a crew neck I find this works pretty well. The waist is defined and the skirt has enough volume to create curves where I don’t have them. I pair it with a scarf or bib necklace to break up the top.
http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/warm-cider-sweater-dress-in-ash
Ellen
Kay Kat and Kate! Very styleish selection. I will show Rosa.
But as to the OP, All I can say is Me too. I do love Turtelneck sweters, but sweter dresses tend to get clingey and the danger is that they show EVERY curve, and accentueate our “shelves”.
While my co-worker Frank can’t peek in, he can see my entire body curve, and he has comented alot on my profile. The manageing partner says it’s OK b/c he is onley talking, but I do NOT agree. I am tired of him talking about my body like it is for his pleasure. FOOEY! If ONLEY I had a boyfreind, and he would tell Frank off. DOUBEL FOOEY on men that talk about our bodie’s. He is a mess but I say NOTHING about that. This is classic DOUBEL Standard at work.
ck
This is exactly what I wanted to post.
I think you need to be pretty curveless to make this have any ?drape for office-wear.
Pear here.
CountC
I’m small and not curvy and, ignoring the fact that I generally think this style of dress is UGGS, I wouldn’t wear it due to the same concern.
AIMS
You could try it with a slip, which is also nice for added warmth in the winter and/or to reduce any potential itchiness.
With this particular dress, I think the ribbing would be the problem elements. I rarely find it looks good on anyone, certainly not me. But I have some plain sweater dresses I love for work on casual-ish days in the winter. Sometimes I layer a white button down under which seems to dress it up a bit.
Anonymous
+1 The ribbing and how fitted this is on top would be problematic for me, but generally I’m a big fan of sweater dresses and think they look good and not too bodycon on me (curvy hourglass). The key is finding ones that look like a normal sweater on top (no ribbing, not too tight).
Shopaholic
I have a couple sweater dresses that are a bit more flowy (or at least flow away from my stomach area) and I really like them for casual Fridays in the fall/winter but I think this one would probably be too clingy on me…
nutella
I like sweater dresses but you really have to try them on and a lot don’t come home with me. I agree that the best ones for me flow outward from the waist. I do, however, have a couple of straighter ones, but I still think this one is poorly executed. You would look way too covered up with the turtleneck, long sleeves, and sweater everywhere, and the wide cable-knit ribbing isn’t flattering in the skirt, especially with such a high waist and no flare. If the skirt (and lines) flared out, had sleeves just above the elbow, and lost the turtleneck, this would be a great winter dress.
Lynn
I’m pear shaped, so these types of dresses always make me look like a flat-chested Jessica Rabbit. I don’t care for the look myself.
Anonymous
I think the sweater dress is a hard dress to wear. They can be both too revealing and dowdy at the same time, because the fabric is usually clingy and shapeless.
Two Cents
I feel that the high waist would make almost anyone look pregnant unless you were stick thin.
Anonymous
Edit to read:
I feel that the high waist would make almost anyone look pregnant, especially after lunchtime.
Two Cents
Ha ha, that too. :)
Recovering academic
Someone in my professional association nominated me to be featured on the association’s website. I have to send in my professional bio by the end of September, that is their deadline. The thing is I am unemployed at the moment, have been for a while. But I also recently got an offer for a job but it is not yet set in stone because there is paperwork to be done i.e. work permit/immigration the position is in another country. Would it be appropriate to ask for more time to put together the professional profile? I.E. say I am waiting for this position to be confirmed and when it is I can send in my bio. This new job is also moving my career in a different direction so I would like that to be reflected in what I send them. If it makes a difference I’m an academic so other than being featured on the website, I also want to use this opportunity to possibly make new connections. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!
Godzilla
Eh, who knows when your job offer will go through. Send in your bio. Put in something about your interests in New Field. Move on with your life.
Anonymous
Odds are they would be open to post-deadline revisions. I would submit your bio with a note that you’ll need to update it prior to publication. Get a firm timeline of when publication is anticipated. Stay in contact with them and let them know once things change.
bridget
“Recovering Academic has extensive experience in (soon to be former field), most recently at (last job), and including (other highlights). She is moving her career towards (insert description of new job, no mention of name or location).”
It’s a bio, not a resume. Don’t worry about dates, listing every employer, etc.
trenches
Why not keep it open so that if the new job falls through, you get the benefit of that free advertising for other opportunities? I would guess there are some deadlines for the publication but you could always ask too! Can’t hurt. If they cannot wait I would leave it off. The new job cannot say anything about it with the deadline they gave you and you can also perhaps ask for an employment announcement in the next publication as well.
Anonymous
Thank you to the person who posted yesterday about the survey of people who make 6 figures but don’t have anything in savings. The discussion that followed was very interesting as well.
My husband and I are in that boat and we are working to get things in order. We both make 6 figures and have a combined income of 300k. We have no students loans to pay but in terms of debt we have credit cards to pay off because of (non-emergency) purchases. We are working to get our spending under control and to start saving.
Our wake up call was his sister, who earns a sixth of what we do, buying a new vehicle outright and having a good down payment to buy a house. She lives in the same city as us and is financially independent and supports herself. She finished her Associates degree the same year my husband and I completed college. It sounds stupid but we realized we had a problem after we saw her new vehicle and her home and realized that we couldn’t make that work with our current lifestyle because we would end up in debt or bankrupt.
I’m not trolling, we honestly had no idea how stupid we were being with our money. It was a huge wake up call for us and we are working to make it right.
ck
Alright. You can do it.
Honestly, with that income and no debt, why not pay off the credit cards… now. This month.
Anonymous
We are working on paying them off (ie: more than just the interest) but because we owe 50k we can’t afford to pay them all off at once.
Anonymous
Best of luck!! It’s such a good change to make.
Walnut
You might look long and hard about making a BIG change. Making your coffee in the morning and eating out less are great, but if you want to make a big impact look at your house/vehicles/daycare/major expenses. This is where you’ll find the cash to erase 50k in credit card debt.
Anonymous
This. Cutting out your daily frappucino is great, but to pay off $50k you need to scale back your lifestyle in a big way, probably in terms of housing, since daycare is necessary.
Anonymous
We are taking steps to change everything. On November 1 we are moving into a new apartment where our rent will be $4500 instead of $9000 a month. We have also sold one of our cars and are in the process of selling the other two. We will be buying one used car outright and taking transit more often. We also won’t have a cook or a maid at our new apartment. We have cancelled all plans for vacations until all of our debt is paid and we have a substantial savings/emergency fund and we have saved towards retirement. We have cut up the credit cards and won’t be getting any until we have savings, and even then it will be one single card for small purchases that already have the money for. Now we aren’t buying anything unless it’s a true need (rent, food and gas for our cars). Starting in November we will have a basic tv/internet/cell phone package as well.
Anonymous
Sounds like you have a great plan.
Given you’re busy jobs, I’d suggest budgeting for a biweekly cleaning service. You don’t need a full time maid/cook – those are clear luxuries but if you work long hours a biweekly cleaning services (like $200/max) is a reasonable expense.
You might want to think about the example you’re setting for your child as well in terms of how you spend money. Making these changes is a great start. My parents went so overboard at Christmas that it took two hours to open all our presents. I’ve dialed it way back for my kids. Santa brings stocking + one present per kid and we (Mom/Dad) give one present per kid. I’ve upped the Christmas traditions – baking/decorating with kids because those are the things I remember from childhood – not the gift overload on Christmas morning.
Anonymous
It’s also reasonable to not have a cleaning service and do it yourself. Most people in the world don’t have maids and get by just fine.
Anonymous
I’m the OP. Just for clarity because more than one person has mentioned daycare and children, my husband and I are childfree and are not going to ever have kids.
Anonymous
@Anon at 12:22, same experience with the gifts! My parents were incredibly financially prudent. They never upgraded their tiny house (which was paid off when I was a toddler), never bought luxury cars etc. and as a result saved a ton of money on pretty average salaries, but they went NUTS at Christmas. Like literally some years there were 100 presents for me to open (only child here). I thought it was insane even as a child (especially because most of it was junk I didn’t really want – starting when I was a preteen I tried to get them to give me one expensive thing like a Coach purse instead of 50 cheap things I didn’t want, but they never got the message). For my kids I really want to go in the opposite direction and give them just a couple gifts and like you mentioned focus more on the traditions and quality time.
MKB
FWIW, a bi-weekly cleaning service is not the same as a maid… my husband and I budgeted to keep ours even during periods where we had very little income. It let us devote more time to the activities that we knew would lead to a better financial picture in the long run.
Anonymous
If you don’t mind me asking, where was all of the money going? Mortgage, vacations, cars? It sounds like you were spending not only your combined income but also in excess enough to accumulate credit card debt?
If you could warn a recent graduate about (what you now recognize as) frivolous spending, was there anything that was a tipping point or in hindsight looks like a red flag?
I worry about the golden handcuff creep. Where it happens slowly enough that one day you wake up and realize you’re living paycheck to paycheck but no individual decision really seemed all that “bad” at the time.
Anon
Not the OP, but one way to prevent this from happening is to keep an actual written budget, either in an app or an excel spreadsheet, with every single expense written out. Also include your income(s). It forces me to think long and hard about adding an item to our expense column and seeing it immediately be deducted from our income (AKA what money we have available). I also review our expenses regularly to see if there is anything that can be reduced or cut.
Anonymous
I like the tip about reducing existing expenses on a regular basis. I went through my last month’s credit card statement just now and found about $200 of subscription type services that I like, but don’t need. Each of the charges was $20 or less which I don’t think of as super significant, but $2,400 a year is money that could be better invested in an IRA!
Anonymous
Spend within your means. Making a big salary doesn’t mean an expensive apartment, unlimited clothes shopping, vacations, eating out multiple times a day etc. For example we are spending 9k on rent a month when we could easily get another apartment for half that. Writing it all down and keeping track of necessary expenses vs. non necessary ones (rent vs. a new pair of diamond earring) is what helped us to see just how out of control we were. His sister also told us that she doesn’t look at credit cards like unlimited money and won’t buy anything (besides her house) unless she already has the money in the bank for it.
Sydney Bristow
I had quite a bit of credit card debt in law school. After paying them off, I quit using them altogether for several years. I use them now but pay off my balance about once a week. I try to treat it like a debit card. YNAB is helpful because it lets me track my credit card spending just like a checking account and moves money out of my budget and into a credit card payment category as I make each charge. YNAB was really key to me getting my finances under control.
Anonymous
This.
Your credit card is a debit card that earns you airline/hotel points or cash back. Do not ever put anything on credit that you cannot pay in full that billing cycle.
When you’re at the cash register and you have to reach for your credit card because you don’t have enough on your debit card – go put the item back – you don’t have money to buy it.
Anonymous
Well for starters, as soon as you start working you should put money in retirement and if you make six figures and have no loans or other serious financial obligations (for example, supporting a family member), there’s really no excuse for not putting in the IRS max of $18k a year. Even a single person would save a couple hundred thousand dollars in less than a decade at that savings rate. The money is taken out before you even see your paycheck, so then if you’re living paycheck-to-paycheck it’s not so bad because a big chunk has already been taken out for savings.
Beth
I’m not in big law but we have done well to save through school and now make a HHI of about 300-350.
I recommend that you follow advice below, but even if you go into big law and need to make relevant lifestyle changes (outsourcing, expensive apt to be close to work etc), Budget as if your year-end bonus did not exist. When you get it, throw the extra at loans/debt/ and/or savings. With 2 big law salaries, one year of bonuses should wipe out 50k in debt or at least make a giant dent assuming monthly payments are made along the way. Also, when you get annual raises, bank the difference. When the time in the year rolls around where your paycheck gets bigger because you’ve got the 118k SS tax cap, bank the difference. Organize your banks so that you don’t even notice a salary increase (i.e. Have the same working amount dumped into your main bank account, and anything more than that, whatever the amount, goes into a savings account used for savings or extra debt payments.
cbackson
This was generally how I did it – treated my year-end bonus as purely for loans/savings (with a very small amount of “reward” spending so I got to enjoy a little bit of it). I paid off $180K in student loans in 7 years by doing that.
Amy
Agree with this and what’s been said above. My last half of the year “increase” per paycheck goes to covering things like holiday gift and vacation spending, so I’m not incurring debt for those things. Also we have an FSA for child care and although I pay into it and pay for daycare throughout the year I wait until the end of the year to get the full $5k reimbursement at once. That $5k in Jan plus bonuses in April go into savings for any big expenses.
We have our direct deposits set up to go into multiple accounts, one for joint savings that’s budgeted for long term costs and vacations, one “payables” that covers all our regular expenses, and balance goes to our individual checking. That’s helped me a lot, if I do need to charge anything it needs to be paid off within a month from that checking account. I’m a shopper – so I feel like I get to enjoy my success but it doesn’t get out of hand.
anon
Good for you for realizing it. You can do this. I agree that you should pay off your credit cards first. Also take a hard look at what your needs are- and be critical of how you let yourself define “needs.” Can you make your lunch more? Make coffee at home?
AB
A BigLaw colleague and friend who earns the same as me in NYC really wanted to figure out how I could save a down payment while he couldn’t. The answers, we figured out: (1) rent — he lived in a much more expensive doorman building (duh); (2) cabs and Ubers — I get around the city on foot and by subway, only use cars once or twice a month; (3) no Seamless for me during the week for dinner unless it’s work related or involves someone other than my husband; (4) no Starbucks. All that is a six figure savings difference over the years, it seems.
Longtime Non-Profit (!) Employee
Good for you for facing your situation! As per ck’s advice, what else can you do in the relatively near future to make definite and long-lasting changes? With high income and no kids (? none mentioned in your comment) you sound in a great position to take serious steps like moving to a more modest rental, downsizing cars, switching to free entertainment, etc.
It’s easy to feel ashamed about financial mistakes. It takes character to admit them, change direction, and stick to your resolve. If anyone asks nosy questions just smile and say that you’ve decided to redirect your resources. (Or say that you’re spending all your free time on home cooking, container gardening, reading everything in the library, etc.) You have your educations and each other. You’re rich already.
anonjrassociate
Not the OP, but I just wanted to say thank you for this — it made me feel a bit better about my own student loan situation, especially your last two sentences, which made me tear up in a happy way.
Anonymous
Pay off your credit card in full every month (new purchases) and don’t take any vacations/travel until your credit card bill is paid off. Don’t buy any new clothes until your credit card bill is paid off.
I graduated with high five figures in student loan debt. We lived exclusively on my husband’s salary (mid five figures) and put my entire salary (also mid five figures) against the student loan debt. Ten years later, the debt is gone and we own both our cars outright and our only debt is a mortgage that we could pay off in 7 years if we really had to (15 years left). I earn low six figures and drive a ten year old car. When I’ve saved up enough I’ll buy a newer used car in cash. We vacation internationally every year so it’s not like we’re living like paupers. Don’t spend money you don’t have.
Particularly with credit card debt – put every cent you can against it because it’s the interest rates that kill you.
Anon as well
Thank you for posting this. You’re not alone. We make a combined income of 400K and have barely saved in the last two years. Fortunately we have a lot of savings from the years before that, but it was astonishing to us to see how little we have saved recently. It makes me sick, honestly.
We live in a VHCOL with high rent (4k) and private preschool for 2 kids (5k monthly). But that still doesn’t explain it all. We should still be saving a lot more. Wake up call is right.
Anonymous
I’m really not trying to shame you, but just to understand. Your after tax monthly income is ~ $20k? (Unless a huge chunk of that comes from bonuses) Assuming $4k for rent, $5k for preschool and $3k for 401k (assuming you’re both maxing out), that leaves $8k a month. And obviously there are miscellaneous expenses that eat up $2-3k of that. But that still leaves maybe $5k a month or $60k/year in savings. Can you identify anything obvious that’s going to?
I guess what I’m wondering is.. are y’all $1000 shoes, $3000 suits, $1000 dresses type people? Or are you $1000 dinners, $5000 donations to the opera type people? Or is it just that there’s volume spending at a lower price point? Like.. is it 1 $20,000 vacation a year? Or is it 10 $2,000 vacations?
Anon as well
It’s a very valid question and it’s one that we’re actively trying to figure out and get under control. We do max our 401K and we also put away $1K a month toward an education fund. We also pay about $1K toward health expenses for MIL. DH spends $800 a month on personal training. But still, even after groceries and what not, there’s no good reason we’re not saving more.
We absolutely don’t buy super pricey clothes. My priciest suit is $300. And that’s the crazy thing. We don’t feel like we are high spenders so where the heck is the money going????
Anonymous
How can you not figure it out though? Print out six months of credit card bills and bank statements and literally add up every single thing you spent money on, from the $800 personal training to the $2 coffee and break it down by category and figure out exactly where the money has gone.
(Also, fwiw, just because you don’t buy expensive clothes doesn’t mean you don’t spend a lot on clothes. I have a friend who spends more than $1k a month on clothes at places like Old Navy and the like. She just buys TONS of stuff.)
Anon as well
That’s very true about not spending a lot of clothes, but the one thing I have always been very good about tracking is how much I spend on clothing a year. Roughly, it’s been $2500K, – a decent amount but nothing absurd. DH spends less than $1K.
We did print out the last several months and are going through it now.
Anonymous
Well, I think you’ve already got most of your answer-
$8k/month after rent/daycare/retirement
– $3k a month on education fund/health expenses/personal training
– $2-3k/month for general expenses/utilities/car payments and you’re left with $2-3k
————
$2-3k or 10% of your monthly take home. That should be money you’re saving, but it’s easy to see how 10% of your monthly take home could get “lost” in unnecessary spending. Even if you saved every penny of that 10%, you’d only be saving $24-36k a year, which likely will feel too low on $400,000k combined income.
Definitely get more disciplined about that 10%, but if I were y’all I wouldn’t spend a ton of time trying to grab back every penny of that 10% (especially because you’ll be frustrated with how much “work” you’re doing to realize so little relative savings), especially if you could grab back dollars from that other 90%. Focus on getting the best bang for your buck by cutting back on some of the bigger ticket items like personal training (5% of your monthly take home!) or cut back on funding college funds until you have a savings account built up (you’re spending 25% of your monthly take home on your kids’ education as it is).
Not OP
And doing okay now but had about $30K racked up in credit card debt the first few years after I left grad school. I remember having maybe like $8K while I was in school. It sounds dumb but I also fell victim to rewards. I had so many points and rewards that I wanted to use the miles and hotel rooms and get platinum reward status. It was exciting but once my credit rating started to fall, the shell game of moving those balances without consequence caught up with me quick.
I know it sounds entitled but I came up with nothing, always worked 2-3 jobs since I was 16, and I just wanted to travel, have nice clothes, go to concerts, and sportsball events. FWIW it would have worked if my car that was paid off would not have died causing me to use my little in savings for a down payment and car loan. That was pretty much the tipping point. If I had not accrued the credit card debt and had that money in savings instead, I would have saved probably $20K and the 4 frugal years that came after the two fun ones.
Now I have one CC that has only $1K limit and a Nordies & Macy’s card and none of them carry a balance. But that was a long couple of years that I would not have had to live frugally if I had been a little more careful in the first year or two out. So that’s my warning story.
Anonymous
I think it’s so dependent on what you saw growing up. I don’t always have the best relationship with my parents but I thank them every day for the fact that they set an example of saving most of your paycheck, never using credit cards as anything but debit cards with rewards points, always always always spending less than we had coming in, etc.
emeralds
My upbringing could not have been calibrated more perfectly to instill financial responsibility. My mom was a model of restraint, budgeting, and responsibility, and demonstrated how to live a frugal-but-full life on a single teacher’s salary. My dad, on the other hand, is the prototypical perennially-broke $115k-er who occasionally hits me up for money to stay afloat with his mortgage. My mom retired a few years ago and is reaping the rewards–she can basically do whatever the f*ck she wants, from a splashy vacation a year, to shopping, to home renovations, to her first-ever brand-new car. My dad will have to work until he drops dead unless he makes some major structural changes like, five years ago. Mom showed me how to manage money, dad showed me what life would look like if I didn’t. Thanks parents.
Anon, OP
Wow!
The comment was initially stuck in moderation and i didn’t get back on the site later yesterday so missed the discussion that followed.
I’m early career Engg/Tech and went to a strong but inexpensive school so had no idea what significant student loans meant. I (and mst people i know)got out of grad school with about 35K :\
AnonEngineer
I’m also early in my career in engineering. I graduated (bachelors, no grad school) with almost $200k in loans, just because I chose a private school over an inexpensive school. I had a great experience and loved my school, but in hindsight that was a terrible decision. I would have received essentially the same engineering education at a state school, and I am reminded of that constantly as I pay it back.
Calico
I would appreciate any advice you could give me on this frustrating topic. I am invoking my power of attorney over my mother’s accounts. She is incapacitated to the extent that she can not speak intelligibly, calls me mom, etc, so she cannot help with this. I’ve discovered that she opened all of her bank accounts, credit cards, and most importantly, her life insurance policy using just her middle name, maiden initial and married last name. Her legal name on passport, DL and SS are first name middle name married name. Is this an easy call to her life insurance carrier to add her legal first name? Or is this a reason they could declare the policy void? If she dies, it will certainly be her legal name on the death certificate, and that does not match any of her accounts. What should I do?
anon
I’d probably start by finding out what each company’s procedure is for processing a name change and what documentation that you need. It’s generally a little more involved than just making a phone call, but seeing how often people change their names or use nicknames, it’s not an uncommon occurrence. Not sure about the life insurance policy, but the bank accounts and credit cards should be linked to her social security number so they can see that this is the same person. Good luck.
Anonymous
If the life insurance has her social security number, it may be as simple as sending an image of the social security card with her real name on it to all of these accounts you mention. As long as her drivers license and social security card have her real name, and everything else has her correct SSN, you should be able to easily correct it.
AIMS
Agree that you should call each company. I have an insurance policy at work that had me listed under the wrong first name because someone completely misread my handwriting on the application (wasn’t even close other than the first letter!) and it was a simple enough process of just sending in a correction form.
Calico
This is great news- sounds like it will be easier than I thought. Her SS is linked, thankfully. AIMS, she made a copy of that same handwritten application you’re talking about and I see it on the form. Still questioning her decision to write her middle name where it clearly states “first,” but that is another story. Glad this won’t be a big deal. Thanks everyone for the input.
Headache follow-up
Wanted to thank you all for the supportive responses a few days ago regarding my non-stop, excruciating headache. I followed up with a dentist again yesterday, and she thinks it’s just due to grinding my teeth! They’re making me a night guard. Anybody else use these and see a dramatic difference? A little worried the guard will make it hard to sleep. Also not the most attractive bedtime accessory…
The headache came on about two months ago when life got extra stressful. Apparently stress is a key teeth-grinding cause – just another reason we all need to take care of ourselves.
Seeing a neurologist tonight at dentist’s urging, but hopefully the mystery has been solved.
JuniorMinion
I used one for a while – it was fine as long as I cleaned it. Also my hubby wears a retainer so we matched for a while! I found it to be relatively comfortable and not sleep impairing
Anonymous
Yes! I also find it helpful to get massages from someone who knows how to do trigger point therapy/treat TMJ.
Yup
This and I do a bite guard that the dentist made for me. It’s just on the bottom. I chewed through the first one so they had to make a special one. But it made all the difference. My massage therapist has it so bad she gets botox injections in her face or something to prevent the clenching.
anon
My husband’s headaches decreased dramatically after he started using a nightguard every night.
nutella
Same for my fiance; when he forgets, he is tired and stressed and headachey. I honestly cannot tell when it is in. Buy Retainer Brite tablets or something similar for cleaning.
Two Cents
I never had headaches, but I have used a mouthguard for the last 8 years because my grinding at night was out of control. The mouthguard is so comfortable, has immensed with grinding immensely, and now I can’t sleep without it! Just to assure you that they can be quite comfortable, if made well. Good luck!
ATXanon
Echoing what Two Cents said. I now can’t sleep without my nightguard . . . even during daytime naps!
Ru
Headaches are very complicated. Take it from someone who suffers from TMJ/teeth-grinding/jaw clenching issues, occipital neuralgia, herniated discs in the cervical spine (and resulting muscle spasms), chronic migraines, tension headaches, and sinus headaches. Any and all of these can trigger one or more, resulting in a loop of pain. It’s possible you’re grinding your teeth because of you have a migraine, etc. Definitely take a multidisciplinary approach to this. Hope you feel better soon.
Don't want to be self-conscious
Yes! I’ve been wearing a night guard/retainer for YEARS.
Sometimes, I still feel the pressure in the morning when I’m super stressed (my jaw is a little sensitive, but it doesn’t hurt unless I’m pressing on my jaw). My teeth are in great condition and I don’t have any headaches or anything like that.
Hope this is the root of the problem!
Sydney Bristow
I haven’t had a single, ongoing headache for that long but I’ve had one most days for about a month. I’m pretty sure it’s due to worsening posture and clenching my jaw. It is definitely a tension headache. I’m trying to focus on fixing my posture and trying to be mindful about when I’m clenching my jaw and releasing it.
I’d love to hear how your night guard works out. I plan on bringing up my issue at my next dentist appointment.
Headaches too
Sydney Bristow: I think posture is playing a huge role in my headaches. I wear an NTI at night and do a few PT exercises to help improve my posture but massage is helping too. Not just any massage but myofacial work paired with some ASTYM (or similar) in select spots. Just a suggestion I thought I’d pass on bc I really wish I did this sooner.
Sydney Bristow
Thanks for the advice. My insurance covers massage if it’s done by a physical therapist or chiropractor. I should try to find someone.
What PT exercises are you doing to help with your posture?
Mpls
Not the OP, but my massage therapist has been big on pectoral stretches to counteract hunching/tight lats.
Either laying down on a foam roller (so it aligns with my spine) and lettings my arms fall open to the sides. My shoulders get pulled down and I can very much feel the stretch across my upper body. You can get the same thing upright in a doorway. Hold your arms out from the shoulder, bend at the elbow, palms forward and brace your forearm against the frame of the doorway and then lean forward. You can adjust your foot placement to give you more stretch as needed.
anon-oh-no
I used one for a while and found that it helped. But I used to take it out in the middle of the night — without knowing it. I’d find it in the bed, on my nightstand, even on the floor. And one day I stepped on it and broke it in half when I got up in the morning, not realizing it was on the floor. After getting a new one made and still finding it on the floor a lot, I gave up using it. But I actually grind my teeth much less now (I used to wake my husband up, and even myself up, with the noise on a regular basis). Maybe using it for 6+ months got me out of the habit.
a govnd
Haha that’s me and my retainer! No one believes I do it so I am glad to have found a buddy. I had TMJ and this is why I knew a mouth guard wouldn’t work. It kinda went away after a while of not eating solid foods, but mine wasn’t caused by teeth grinding.
email
Yup. Got one while in law school and it was life changing. I suffered from persistent headaches for about 2 months until my dentist recommended it. The headaches stopped almost instantly after that.
No problem sleeping with it. Actually now, I have a near-Pavlovian response to it. Once I pop my night guard in my brain knows it is time to sleep. When I do sleep without it, I noticeably sleep worse.
The only weird thing about it is in dreams I often have a full mouth/mouth full of pebbles/can’t speak. I think it is the night guard that makes my subconscious do that. Those dreams are a little strange.
Yup
I spit mine out in dreams and then it’s like on the floor or in the bed loose. One time I really could not find it anywhere and when I made the bed it was between the frame and the mattress.
Anon
I have been wearing one for years and it has worked great. I ended up with several stress fractures in my teeth while studying for the bar as a result of grinding my teeth. I initially had one made by the dentist but, after having a filling done, it no longer fit and I didn’t want to pay to have another one made. I now use an over-the-counter one and replace it every 3 months. I will post the one I use in the comments. I find the OTC one to be much more comfortable than the dentist-made one. I buy denture cleaning tabs and soak it in a jar every morning.
Anon
https://www.amazon.com/SleepRight-03362-06-Select-Dental-Guard/dp/B008FNKWGG/ref=sr_1_3_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1474469451&sr=8-3&keywords=sleep%2Bright%2Bdental%2Bguard&th=1
Wanderlust
Yes! Lifechanging for me. What also helped was 4 months of 2-3x a week physical therapy to realign/strengthen my jaw and neck muscles, which apparently forgot how to work properly. If you can find a PT who specializes in jaw/TMJ issues, it’s definitely worth it for the neck massages alone!
Anonymous
If you can, I’d also recommend yoga or meditation as a way to supplement what your dentist is doing. I had terrible, persistent headaches in college, went to a doctor, realized I was grinding my teeth and couldn’t afford the night guard. I started meditating right before bed and was slowly able to get to a point where I don’t grind my teeth (as much) at night. And that was enough to almost eliminate the headaches.
Anon
I also clench my teeth during the day, which contributes. When it gets bad (tension headaches + neck pain), I set an alarm at my desk to ding quietly every 10 minutes or so, which is an audible reminder to unclench my teeth and relax my jaw. After a week or so, I find that I unconsciously relax my face and no longer need the alarm. I also realized my “default” working position was clenching my jaw together, and I’ve been able to re-train to a resting/default state with my teeth slightly parted.
Laura B
Let me preface this with I am not a big alternative medicine person. Love my chiropractor, but that’s as altnerative as I normally get.
But I had TMJ pretty bad 8 years ago (jaw actually wouldn’t open more than 1 inch at one point, then when I opened all the way would always click), and craniosacral therapy cured it. It feels like a super gentle massage on your face, and it did take a whole series of appointments, but I’d highly recommend it.
AnonPara
No experience with a night guard, but I started going to a PT who specializes in craniosacral therapy and it has been amazing. I have seen neurologists, acupuncturists, practice yoga, etc. I still get migraines but the stress and muscle related headaches which I believe trigger those migraines in many cases have really reduced in number and I just feel all around better. The movements the PT makes with my head and neck are barely perceptible, but I leave those appointments feeling so much better.
rbk
YES!! I had this exact same thing – awful headaches that would not go away. The nightguard made a huge difference. It slips over my bottom teeth and isn’t really that bothersome. I’ve found they’re more common than I thought – lots of friends have them, and while not super hot, the no headaches is definitely worth it.
Anonymous
Anyone had regrets about taking their husband’s name? I’m happily married and have been using my husband’s name personally and professionally since we got married almost three years ago but lately I’m really regretting that I changed my name and find myself missing my unique maiden name (my married name is super common, like Smith). Initially I was very excited to get rid of it and have a name that is easy to pronounce and spell, but now I really miss having a unique name and the connection to my heritage. Plus a couple close girlfriends who recently got married kept their names and seeing them do that has made me wish I did the same. Is it too weird to go back? My husband says he is supportive of whatever I want to do.
Anonymous
Why not try using both last names: First Maiden Married, a la HRC? That was very common among the faculty and staff at the women’s college where I used to work.
OP
Legally I’m First Maiden Married (I dropped my original middle name, which was an easy decision because I always hated it), but I haven’t had luck getting people to use all three (maybe because my maiden is long and hard to spell and say and my married name is short and easy).
Anonymous
I would put it in your email signature and give it some time. People may not call you by both, but they’ll think of you by your full name if they see it often enough in writing.
Anonymous
I’ve found that people always drop the hardest name to them. I’m FIRST MIDDLE MAIDEN MARRIED with MAIDEN MARRIED as my last name. My colleagues drop my married name all the time (even though I’ve only worked here since I’ve been married), I suspect because my married name is not easy to pronounce. When we visit DH’s family internationally, they drop my maiden name all the time because they find that hard to pronounce. So if you’re maiden name is hard to pronounce/spell you may find that people default to your married name if you have a double name.
Anonymous
And just realized I was type shouting – oops!
Batgirl
I’d thought about doing this but didn’t think that most states allowed two last names unless it was hyphenated. Are your last names hyphenated? If not, what state are you in, if I may ask?
Anonymous
Last names are not hyphenated. I’m in Canada not the States but it may vary by state because I have family in the states and some of their friends (based on FB names) seem to have double last names as well. Double last names without the hyphen is the trend here at the moment. I tend to drop one name or the other depending on the situation and somehow that feels less strange without the hyphen (like I never bother to give both last names when making a reservation).
Anonymous
In New York you can have two (unhyphenated) last names. My kids do.
anon
APW just had a post on this issue this week:
http://apracticalwedding.com/2016/09/changing-name-back/
OP
Thanks! That article is really interesting.
anonshmanon
What I would think carefully about here is: If I change back to my maiden name (no idea if the legal procedure might be tedious), am I going to be annoyed three years from now for having to pronounce it all the time? Is this just a temporary ‘the grass is greener on the other side’-mood?
OP
Yeah…that’s my concern. The main reason I changed it was so I’d have the same name as our kids and since we don’t have kids yet, I’m a little worried that when we do, I’ll flip back and want to be HisLast again.
Anonymous
Standard practice where I am is for lawyers not to change their name but to socially use their husband’s name. So they sign permission slips for school with their legal name but if little Johnny’s best friend keeps calling them “Mrs. Smith” they don’t correct him. Or Christmas cards are often addressed to the “Smith Family”.
Suburban
+1 not standard practice but I do this. I liked the idea of sharing my husband and son’s name but I just can’t do it.
Senior Attorney
Yeah I didn’t change this last time but I have zero problem if anybody wants to address us as “The Lovelys” for Christmas cards or whatever. And I will happily answer to “Mrs. Lovely” in a social context.
Anon
Question for Suburban, or anyone who kept their name and had children– did you think about giving your son your last name instead of your husband’s? I took my husband’s name, also because I wanted to have a “family” name with husband and kids, like you mentioned above. Otherwise I would have loved to keep my name, and if I had, I wonder if I would have given our children my last name instead of husband’s. Did you consider that at all? Just wondering about others’ thoughts on it.
Senior Attorney
In a perfect world I always thought each parent should keep his or her name and the children should have the names of the same-sex parent.
Senior Attorney
And in a same sex family, maybe flip a coin for naming rights to the first and then alternate…
lawsuited
I always refer to families where I know both parties as “the HisLast-HerLast Family” (or the HerLast-HerLast Family/HisLast-HisLast Family as the case may be) regardless of who’s taken who’s name. If I only know the man, I refer to them as “the His Last Family” and if I only know the woman I refer to them as “the HerLast Family”.
Suburban
It wasn’t really on the table for me-but I love the idea and I really hope someone can share. I have only known Sikh families who share names based on gender but I think that has religious purposes.
Nancy Raygun
http://apracticalwedding.com/2016/09/changing-name-back/
Senior Attorney
http://apracticalwedding.com/2016/09/changing-name-back/
Anon
I regret it. I feel really connected to my maiden name. My maiden name is now my middle name (I also regret not keeping my middle name and just having four names, but I didn’t realize that was an option), and use that middle initial, which does keep some connection. But I do regret it, and it would be too weird (and a headache) at this point (married 5 years) to change it back).
nutella
Can you legally change a middle name to just an initial, as in Jacqueline B. Kennedy and that be it? Or does a name have to be spelled out? I recall that Harry S. Truman made up the S, but I don’t know if that is allowed anymore or if it is a state-specific thing?
Anon
I don’t actually know. To clarify, my maiden name is now my middle name, and I use that middle (or maiden) initial in my professional name, so Anonymous M. Marriedname. Because my maiden name is a name with an apostrophe after the first letter, using that first letter as an initial before my last name actually echoes my maiden name a little. Which I like. Hopefully that makes sense.
nutella
Definitely makes sense! I want to change my maiden name to be my middle initial and only an initial but have yet to learn if that works (in my state)!
anon because this will out me
Totally legit! I changed my middle name to be only the initials of my hyphenated maiden name, and I love it. Echoes of my unique (literally just me and my brother in all the world) maiden name, but I get the ease of my husband’s common, easily pronounceable last name.
Anon Midwest
Missourian here (and long ago intern at the Truman Library) It’s Harry S Truman (no period as it didn’t stand for anything)
Suburban
That’s an awesome fact! Did he take “S” himself? I think I was once told he was named that way to honor more than one relative.
full of ideas
You can pretty much do whatever you want when you have a legal reason (e.g. getting married), when you just want to change your name, the Judge may want an explanation
Anonymous
Just go back if that’s what you prefer. One of my colleagues did that after being married for close to 10 years. Said she just never felt like herself with the other name. Her kids all have the husband’s name and it hasn’t been an issue that they have different names.
Her response is to awkward inquiries that she changed her name for the first decade, they’re going back to their own names for the second and he’s changing his name for the third decade.
Anon
Love that response. This makes it really tempting. I identify with “she just never felt like herself with the other name.”
Anonymous
It’s a cute/non-confrontational way of addressing an inappropriate inquiry and it also serves double duty by making it clear that the name change is not a sign of trouble/precursor to divorce.
Anon
I don’t regret taking husbands but I like his last name as much or more than my maiden. Plus, not a lot of love for my Dad or paternal side of my family, so there’s that. I think the decision is complicated and its best to go with your gut. Nothing wrong with an alias either.
Senior Attorney
This is so funny. I saw an article on apracticalwedding dot com just yesterday about somebody who took her husband’s name and then changed back after a few months. The punch line was that it was awkward for a very short while and then everybody forgot about it. Which has also been my experience, the THREE times I have changed my name. (Took two husbands’ names, then changed back, didn’t change with this last marriage.)
SuziStockbroker
As per Senior Attorney, my perfect solution was to keep my name (which I did) and then children would get their same sex parent’s last name.
Alas, DH would not go for it (after initially agreeing before we got married) and so we hyphenated the children’s names.
Not my ideal but it works fine.
anonymouse2
I’m legally first maiden married but wish I’d kept my maiden but my names are opposite – married is hard to spell and people butcher and mangle it daily. Maiden was easy but not too common. After 20 years of correcting spelling/pronunciation, I totally wish I’d kept maiden and may switch after children leave home.
Brooklyn
Husband and I are doing a lot of housework and made multiple trips to Home Depot this month. I’ve sighed with relief each time at the final register tally – usually under $200.
On our credit card statement, there are two charges processed on the same day. One’s for $150 and the other is for $500. I don’t remember spending this much in one fell swoop. We’ve gone over everything we’ve bought and can’t figure out the cost. No receipts. Is there a way to handle this? If we go to the store with the card, would they be able to tell us what was bought? I’m worried we actually did make this purchase, and feel a little embarrassed – don’t want to dispute the charge, etc, unless we’re sure.
Anonymous
They should be able to tell you what was bought if you go there with the card. You may even be able to call and get some info, although they might want to see the card in person for security reasons. Definitely ask about it. Much better to be slightly embarrassed than out $500! You don’t have to frame it as “disputing the charge.” You can just say you lost the receipt and you want to know what was purchased for your own record-keeping purposes.
Cat
Agreed.
If those were exact charges (vs rounding) could you have been charged a warranty or shipping fee mistakenly?
Emmer
Don’t be embarrassed at all. Given their recent data breach issues, they should be very sensitive and accommodating to customers worried about fraud. If they have done their jobs, their customer service reps should be very well-trained in handling inquiries about unknown charges.
ck
Good advice already.
I’ll just add on…. Start keeping your receipts. I have a folder, and I keep every receipt where I purchase an item that I keep/use (ex. stereo, clothing) where I may need to do a return/repair in future… or in case I get robbed and need documentation for insurance purposes. Remember, credit cards often extend your warranty, and you often need the receipt. And I have an envelope that I put all other receipts, that I keep just in case something looks funky on a credit card statement I can go back and re-trace my steps.
If you haven’t had your credit card/identity stolen already, I guarantee you that you will.
I started doing this when I had to start doing taxes for a family member, and calculate their extensive medical expenses every year.
rosie
+1 to keeping receipts. Also, I was recently in Home Depot and was able to get an email receipt for my purchases in addition to a paper receipt, which is really helpful to have. I’ve also found that at HD in particular, returns are much much easier w/a receipt rather than having to look up by credit card.
anon a mouse
also, HD will email you receipts from the register instead of giving you printed ones. I’ve started doing that — one less thing for me to lose.
Anonymous
Definitely look into it. It could very much be fraud.
BabyAssociate
Anyone listen to music on headphones in the office? When I’m working on a big research project I find it really helps me focus, but I know some people look down on it. I just started a new job and asked a more senior associate what the opinion on headphones is in this office. He explained that most people couldn’t care less, but people who do care really care a lot and assume headphones = not working.
I’m definitely glad I asked. I wouldn’t want to give the wrong impression at a new job so it’ll be silent work for me, at least for a while.
Anyone else have opinions/experience on headphones in the office?
cbackson
I’m not a fan, particularly for junior associates, because it discourages people from interrupting you. When you’re a junior associate, you want people to interrupt you, because those interruptions usually mean opportunities for new projects/meeting co-workers/bonding with senior people/etc.
I actually am more okay with just having music on at a low level, assuming you have your own office.
BabyAssociate
This definitely makes sense and is exactly what I was worried about.
I do have my own office, but, on this floor at least, everyone keeps their doors wide open unless they’re on the phone, which I really like. Listening to music with the door open, even if it’s really low, doesn’t seem better than headphones.
Anonymous
I disagree. You can have the music so low that it can’t be heard outside your office, but so that you can still hear it. People looking in from outside your office door won’t know the difference. If someone does come into your office to give you work, they’ll hear that you’re listening to low-volume music, not something like a podcast that would completely take your attention away.
full of ideas
+1 this is what i do
BB
This makes no sense to me. Headphones = working so intently that you need to block out other noises. The only exception I could see is if you were a receptionist or similar where you are supposed to be available to chat all the time.
Veronica Mars
Me, 24/7. It’s an open office and I can’t concentrate with people talking around me. Maybe it reflects badly on me, but I think my work product speaks for itself and my colleagues are generally understanding that it’s how I work. I also tell them to tap me if they need anything, and they do.
MNF
Do you have your own office? I listen to music all day out of my computer (very low and unobtrusive – playlists named things like “piano for focus”). You can’t hear it outside of my office even with the door opened, could this be a happy medium?
BabyAssociate
Yes I have my own office. Music on the computer seems like the best middle ground, I just don’t want to close my door. Guess I’ll have to do a volume test and stand in the hall!
full of ideas
be aware that IT can get annoyed (and sometimes it can be a violation of office rules) if you are streaming music on your office computer
BabyAssociate
I’ve got Spotify Premium and a little Bluetooth speaker, I’d probably just do that!
an
I’ve never heard of people thinking those who wear headphones aren’t working. A lot of people I work with wear headphones. I personally don’t see any problem with it at all. Especially in a cubicle setting, some people can get very distracted by conversations around them and listening to music helps drown it out. Everyone works differently and it is very shortsighted to think that if something doesn’t work for you, it must be horrible for others as well.
Anonymous
It was very frowned upon at the Big Law firms I worked at. Not because people assumed you weren’t working, but because associates, especially junior associates, are supposed to be at the beck and call of partners at all times and headphones make you less approachable. It’s the same logic behind the idea that associates shouldn’t close their office doors (in general I mean – obviously you can close it temporarily to make a personal phone call or pump or something like that).
a govnd
I do, but its on a pretty low volume and if someone said something to me I would hear and be able to respond immediately. I’ve seen others do it at all levels, I don’t think its taboo for individual work especially since we have an open office. It’s probably more accepted in the afternoons when everyone is doing their own thing than in the mornings when things seem to be more collaborative.
Sometimes I would go crazy without the music. It helps so much, it would be stupid and inefficient not to do it because of appearances.
Sydney Bristow
I’m not an associate but do doc review at a big firm. I share a large office with about 15 people. Most of us wear headphones. It is acceptable for us in our position, especially because of the shared space and all of us working on different matters.
I take out my headphones whenever one of my bosses or an associate on my case walks into the room in case they want to speak to me.
BabyAssociate
When I was doing doc review at my old job I used headphones all the time. Going through that much information I found music absolutely crucial for concentration.
Killer Kitten Heels
When I feel like I need music, I’ll pop in one earbud on the side of my head not facing the door – that way, people walking by don’t really notice I’m listening to anything, but I get the boost from my music that I’m looking for.
BabyAssociate
So as an added consideration, the way my office is laid out you can’t actually see my desk unless you actually walk in. People walking by in the hallway wouldn’t know if I’m in my office or not, much less whether I’m wearing headphones.
Killer Kitten Heels
I’d still leave one earbud out, so you can hear someone as soon as they walk into your office (or if they happen to walk by and call out to you for some reason).
anon
This is a good option. I had to stop wearing earbuds at my first firm. People would walk into my office and just start talking before I could take the earbuds out. I would have to ask them to repeat what they said and they would get annoyed. If your superiors are the kind of people who actually knock and wait for you to look up before they start yammering at you, then maybe this won’t be as much of an issue, but ime you’re always going to have that one partner who is just too busy to do those kinds of normal, polite things.
MK
I do this as well. I started using headphones when I needed to drown out an annoying co-worker two offices down who talked all day to herself or anyone who passed by the office. If I wore the headphones then it was easy to play the “oh, didn’t hear you there!” card when she asked for feedback. By the time we escaped our satellite office two years later and moved in with the rest of corporate downtown my work spoke for itself so I was comfortable wearing over the ear headphones on when I was trying to concentrate on my redlines. When I moved into my new in-house position I asked if it was ok to listen to music before wearing headphones. I still only keep one earbud in so I can be ready for visitors since the leadership team routinely walks through our offices.
newsie
When I worked in the news, absolutely not, but that is a special job. When I was a junior associate, I would use earbuds (nothing over the ear) and only put one it – usually the side that is not facing the door, which was always open. So long as you don’t have to yank one out and say “what?” it was never a problem. Someone once asked if I was on the phone and I said, “oh, no, it’s classical music” and he smiled and proceeded. Sometimes, too, I forget to take it out when I’m talking because it is so low or muted and I forgot.
Moral of the story: this is a know-your-office situation – good on you for asking!
MC
I asked about the same thing a few months ago. I’m in a loud office and my boss reeeally doesn’t like when I’m in headphones. Someone suggested wireless headphones, which seem like a happy medium. Decent ones are pricey, so I haven’t ordered them. If the boss can’t see them and they don’t make you look “out of touch”, I see no harm.
Yup
Just take them out when someone walks in as a sign of respect and make sure you can hear your desk line if called or buzzed and I think it’s okay.
Anon
I think this Sr Assoc may be a dick. Be wary. I say this as a BigLaw Sr Assoc. Maybe this Sr Assoc is giving you a warning about a particular partner you share in common? I which case it’s maybe ok. But otherwise sounds like trying to intimidate you or expressing heir own frustration / need to control / need to be right or feel impt.. A decent Sr Asdoc needs to put time and energy into fostering your substantive work, not giving too much of this type of advice. Be careful, a lot of Sr assoc are burning out, unhappy with their lives, unhappy about partner prospects. Good ones are hard to find but don’t get bullied by a bad one.
BabyAssociate
I definitely didn’t get a bullying impression at all. I reached out to him to ask about it because he’s on the associate committee, it wasn’t an unsolicited opinion. We don’t have an shared partners or even practice areas.
lost academic
Maybe that’s true, but FWIW every single place I’ve worked has basically had the same distribution of caring about that sort of thing: people who don’t care totally don’t care and there are always a few who are really peeved by the concept at all. I’m sure it’ll change over time – probably a long time – but it’s very helpful to know the lay of the land.
BabyAssociate
Have you found it to be an age/generational preference?
5 Year Plan?
Anyone have any internet sources to help DH and I develop a 5 year plan? We just had a kid (who’s doing great thank heavens). His job isn’t going great. Mine is, but burning me out a bit, esp if DH isn’t happy or 100%. DH and I need to figure out what matters and make decisions and I feel like I need a structure for my thoughts.
JuniorMinion
I am going through this now (yay Houston oil downturn). When you say 5 year plan – do you mean financial 5 year plan or more of a “where would we like to be / what jobs would we like to be in?” I have found it helpful to have some guiding career principles of what type of work I like as well as some parameters around where I would / wouldn’t move to and the kind of lifestyle and savings rate I would like to have. Although I imagine this is more complex with a child.
Anon
Less financial. The financial plan can follow the career and life plan.
Anonymous
For personal reflection-type activities and career change advice, try the book “Pathfinder”. Most of the book is needs/wants/values inventories and only gets to career-specific exercises later on.
Anonymous
I always recommend this, but I love “Start with Why” by Simon Sinek. It’s not going to teach you how to draw up a 5-year plan, but it will help you figure out what matters.
Veronica Mars
How much is too much to spend on a couch? I fell in love with a couch from Costco, so at least I know I’m not being gouged, but it’s still a huge chunk of change. Also, am I crazy to order a couch without sitting on it first?
Anonymous
As long as you can actually afford it, I don’t think there’s a number that is “too much.” I’ve bought every couch I’ve ever owned without sitting on them, but they weren’t super expensive (most expensive one was around $1500 as I recall).
Anony
Call Costco and ask what the return policy is. We bought a bed from the Costco online store, one week in I had terrible backaches and I returned it. No problems, movers came by to pick it up and it was free.
If you are making a big ticket purchase, think about upgrading to the dividend membership, we had two big ticket purchases and combined with our monthly shopping ended up paying for the following years membership.
BB
Are you picky about how the couch feels? If not, I’d say go for it. We really wanted a super firm couch, so had to sit on every one.
Veronica Mars
Yes and no. My criteria is that I have to go “aahhhh” mentally whenever I sit down on it. So a squishy, wonderful couch is critical.
JayJay
We have the same couch criteria.
Anonymous
You can return anything to Costco in any condition. I’ve seen some truly inappropriate things being returned. I think you’re safe if you change your mind.
Anonymous
There is no limit for a comfortable couch. I splurged on a Room + Board couch 2 years ago to replace a cheap couch.
It’s worth the money every time I sit down.
LL Bean duck boots
I am planning on purchasing a pair with the Thinsulate. How warm are they? I don’t want my feet to get really sweaty, so should I plan to wear lighter/midweight socks rather than heavier socks?
nutella
They have changed over the years. I believe now the thinsulate is only on the bottom and not up the sides, but you should check. (Or maybe they never changed because mine were kids.) Thinsulate may also change how tight/loose they fit, so double check on sizing. I wear my boots indoors and all day, so I opted for no Thinsulate or shearling and wear thick socks on really cold days outside so I don’t have sweaty feet. My feet are happy, warm, and dry. I like this better so that I can wear them in the fall, spring, and even summer with light socks but still have dry feet. I have had mine for 8 or 9 years now and last year bought a ‘shearling’ sole liner and it was awesome for said very cold days when I visited home. I remove them, though.
Quack
They are not warm weather boots, even with thinsulate. You’ll need a medium weight sock for sure, at least, if you’re spending significant time outside.
That said, I LOVE MINE! Order now if you want them by the holidays!
Beth
I have unlined low boots and I cannot wear them in the winter/snow, even with thick wool socks. It isn’t just that they are open on top; my toes freeze instantly. I would honk about the season(s) you intend to use them (primarily for mud/rain, or sleet/snow?) and get lined if your feet will be in snow.
all about eevee
They are not warm, but I love wearing them with medium thickness socks. Keep in mind when ordering whether or not you plan to wear thick socks with them.
LL Bean duck boots
Thanks, all!
MsE
I need to buy a decent set of kitchen knives. It’s the one thing I forgot to add to my bridal registry. Researching online, some say to buy a butcher block set, others say to buy individually. What brand do you use? TIA
BabyAssociate
I really love to cook and nice knives (or even just one nice knife) are absolutely crucial. I wouldn’t bother with a butcher block set. There will be knives in there you rarely if ever use, spend the same amount of money on a couple really good knives.
I’m partial to Japanese knives. They are very sharp and hold an edge very well, the only downside being that they’re a little more fragile. I own three Shun knives: 8″ chef’s knife, utility knife, paring knife. Global and Mac are really nice too.
Meredith Grey
How do you care for your Japanese knives? I have one and it seems like it doesn’t respond well to air drying and, even with a towel dry, I worry it’s showing rust spots. TIA
BabyAssociate
Oh no! That is truly a travesty. I always hand wash (dishwashers are horrible for knives) and either air or towel dry. I’ve never had an issue, but mine are stainless-steel clad so that might be why. Depending on where you live, you might be able to find a place that specializes in Japanese knives, they should be able to get the rust spots out and maybe give some further guidance.
JayJay
Do you have a Williams Sonoma or Sur La Table near you? They will sharpen carbon steel knives, I believe. I have one and I always hand wash and then towel dry. I’ve heard of some knives that require being wiped in between foods while cutting to prevent rust, but I haven’t had that issue.
Anonymous
Agree with avoiding a block, and just buying what you need.
For me, a smaller paring knife, a chef’s knife for most chopping, and a large serrated knife for cutting bread and tomatoes. If you are a big steak eating family, I could see having some individual steak knives.
And importantly – a knife sharpener. A long stone rod. And use it for a few seconds before you start cooking.
Ahhhhhh…..
http://www.consumersearch.com/search/reviews/knives
BabyAssociate
Bread is life so ditto on the serrated knife, but I don’t think that’s something you need to spend a lot of money on. The $25 serrated knife I got in college works just fine.
And yes, a honing steel is key. I also get my three good knives professionally sharpened annually, sometimes every 18 months if laziness strikes. A dull knife is dangerous!
CountC
Thirding buying individual knives for your needs.
For me, I don’t need more than a chef’s knife, serrated knife, and paring knife. I have a ceramic chef’s knife, which I love, but you do have to be careful of chipping.
Cat
Fourthing buying individual knives. I’d start with these three. You can go to a W-S in person and try out different brands to see how well they fit your hands.
– Paring knife (x2 because one of them is ALWAYS dirty)
– Chef’s knife
– Bread knife
Sydney Bristow
I don’t recommend the Chicago Cutlery fusion forged butcher block set. They’ve never been as sharp as I like and the block doesn’t even hold the knives in straight lines. I’ve had them a little over a year and plan on replacing them sometime soon.
Canadienne
I like the German made henckels ones. I think you only need 3 a pairing knife, chefs knife and bread knife.
Sharp
Oh, right. A bread knife too.
Senior Attorney
I have these and really like them. Bed Bath and Beyond has good sales and promotions on them pretty regularly. I got a good discount plus a free knife block and cutting board when I bought mine, on top of their standard 20% off coupon.
Senior Attorney
And I’d add a santoku all-purpose knife to the list
Sharp
I bought my one very nice knife which is about the length of my forearm and about one inch or so wide. I forget the brand but it was at a nice kitchen store (not a chain) and it cost about $200. I have had it for about 7 years. I think the key is having and using a sharpener. I just use the one that came with an old butcher block set that got rusty. Then all you need is a good pair of scissors, a pairing knife (which you can get cheap) and then a nice set of 6 or so steak knifes for entertaining (or however many people you would normally serve).
Then I have a junk knife by the door for opening packages so the good scissors and knife doesn’t get used on that.
Beth
Wusthof. I used to hand wash, but then life happened. They go in the dishwasher and are going strong after 9 years. We sharpen them a few times a year.
We got the block, but there are a few we don’t use much. We were too lazy to shop back in the day. We’ve also since bought 2 sets of Wusthof steak knives (8 total).
Snick
I have a mix of Wusthof and Henckels. I think they are basically equal in quality. I have purchased them individually because the sets always include a number of knives I don’t need.
RGH
Cook’s Illustrated recommends the Victorinox chef’s knife. Every time they put it up against expensive knives, it is the winner. And it is about $40. Highly recommend. I have in several sizes and they are great!
Scarlett
These ceramic knives for about $10-$15 on Amazon are hands down the best knives I’ve ever used. We have fancy knives & haven’t touched them since these came into my life: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00LSUGW0I/ref=od_aui_detailpages00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
lost academic
I personally swear by the (Zwilling) J.A. Henckels, but recommend finding some to hold so you can decide on weight and balance. We use the Professional series.
FrankieCat
Try going to a Williams Sonoma and trying out the various knives and brands they have. Depending on what and how you cook you would most likely not need a full set. Japanese knives are great- if not pricey. I have a three piece set of Global knives that I love. I have small hands and weak wrists and find the weight appropriate for me. I also have some general cooks knives that I bought from Zabar a few years back and with correct sharpening, they work really well too.
As for care, hand wash and air dry is OK. Every month or so I sharpen them with a very basic sharpener.
Anonymous
Has anyone had microblading? I’m really interested in it, but I’m worried I won’t like the outcome.
Anon
How do you deal with a professional life (and personal – but this question is limited to work) that is just far less than what you imagined? I’m a lawyer and never imagined that I’d be any kind of big deal – so I’m not lamenting that I’m not a c-suite officer in my late 30s. But I spent slightly over a half dozen yrs in NYC biglaw and now close to the same amount of time in the govt. And I have realized that my ENTIRE career has been about making other people look good. In law firm life, it was all about the partners who’d promise things to their clients on crazy deadlines and I’d make it happen. I recognize that was my job and it was THEIR clients, not mine so that’s how it had to be. Now in the gov’t, it’s all about having the answers so my managers can relay those answers to other parts of the agency. Don’t get me wrong — I have (almost) always worked with people who say thanks/don’t take credit; I do love teamwork. So it’s not like I’m out there seeking individual glory. And yet at the same time I feel like — I’m 38 yrs old, have I somehow screwed up my career in such a way that I will ALWAYS be second fiddle who gets thank yous but no real recognition? Is this why people start their own businesses?
Right now I’m dreaming about being a senior officer for a small company someplace that looks at me and goes — wow, how did we get her, she’s going to save our business! Keep dreaming I guess. But does anyone ever feel like this?
AB
I have that feeling sometimes, too (Biglaw senior associate). It’s like when Mr. Huntzberger tells Rory Gilmore she’s made a great personal assistant because she is so good at anticipating other’s needs, but she’s not a star reporter. I haven’t quite figured out the answer, but meanwhile paying my bills and living the rest of my life the way I want it is working out pretty well.
Anonymous
So long as you don’t have a meltdown and steal a yacht, you’re good. I love Rory but that girl does not handle any kind of rejection or disappointment well.
Anonymous
I think about this all the time. I had a Mitchum tell me at my last firm that I had exceptional gifts, gifts that would make me the ideal… executive assistant. I’m not sure what it takes to emerge from behind other people, be seen as something other than support, or even be the one calling (some of) the shots! But like AB, I’m thinking about it, trying to figure it out, and in the meantime focusing on the rest of my life.
Yup
I also feel like this.
I took a year out of private practice and went to the company/nonprofit who felt like I was their savior, and it was an outright disaster. (Turns out, It’s much easier to tell clients what the law is an give them a chart than it is to get 150 people to comply because “well we’ve always done it this way.”) :) Things small company thought were ridiculous: suggestion that it was offensive/created exposure to refer to candidate as “the mulatto” or “the black panther,” requirement that we stop “erasing” extra hours from timecards if employee’s offer letter said he was only to work x hours per week, even if we asked him to do the overtime work, concern over 150 people using their own devices/computers for proprietary information, not 1099-ing employees, questioning bizarre/insatiable drive to arm managers and post aggressive signs about them being armed (over commercial landlord’s dissent). Obviously, not every small company is like this, but seems like they need a savior for a reason. :)
Now I’m back to trying to figure things out. I feel like I could start writing legal articles and speaking and getting distinguished as “the expert.” I just don’t really care enough about any area of the law to want to do that.
Senior Attorney
I’ve talked about this before. I have a very fine job but the Dream Job got away so I’m not where I thought I’d be as I close in on retirement. I was the smartest kid in law school and I always thought I’d set the world on fire, and I… haven’t. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting from time to time.
At this point I’m concentrating on things outside of work: my Rotary Club, a couple of nonprofit boards, and my surprisingly ridiculously wonderful after all this time personal life, which I would much rather have than the Big Career at this point.
Anonymous
Unless your dream job was being on the Supreme Court or something, it’s hard to imagine that there wasn’t another similar opportunity somewhere else out there. I’m not trying to pry/make you relieve bad memories, but I’m curious why you decided to accept that you weren’t getting Dream Job rather than going for it again and again until you did.
quitter
I’m not SA, but I’ll bite someone who has gone for the dream job(s), not gotten it, gone for it again, and just found out it was a no-go. I’m basically on the cusp of deciding pursuing it isn’t worth it anymore. Pursuing that goal has, and likely will continue to, eclipse other parts of my life that are very important, like certain hobbies, finding a partner, and general self-care. I don’t think I can continue to make the sacrifices that going for the dream job will take. It’s usually not a simple matter of hanging out where you are, and just applying again and again. For example, I’d have to move (blech), or take a huge pay cut, or alternately work in an environment I really don’t want to work in but that gives me the skill set I need until I can get the dream job. But even then it’s not guaranteed- when your dream job(s) gets hundreds and hundreds of applications for each spot, it’s hard to justify putting your eggs in that basket.
Sometimes you just have to commit to another path rather than keeping your feet in two canoes. Especially if you’re not working in exactly the same field as dream field.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, well. Can’t go into detail without outing myself but “going for it again and again” wasn’t really an option. Certainly there were other things I could have done but given how things have played out, I’m okay with not being All About My Career at this point.
Anon
Op here — as always, you ladies have covered exactly what I’m feeling even though I didn’t say it well. I feel like I’m an extraordinary mind reader — I can anticipate what will be needed on my cases and I can take care of it before being asked. So I am helpful to the people I work for and they do thank me for it, yet I can’t manage to get out of their shadow.
I feel like if I ever mention this to anyone IRL, they say — oh focus on your personal life, it’s just work. just a paycheck. Yet at not even 40 yrs old, I feel like I’m “too young” to see it as just a job. Not to mention I WANT to stand out.
Maybe in law it is about writing articles and speaking to get noticed at some level . . . so that someone sees your value outside the 4 walls of your office.
Yup
The idea of having “distinguished expert at _____ law” in my obituary would make me legit roll over in my grave though
Sloan Sabbith
Just walked most of the way to my bus stop before realizing I was still wearing my slipper moccasins.
Rushed around all morning trying to clean up my apartment for my grandparents’ visit and get ready for an insane day where I have to actually look business formal, not just business casual. On the plus side, my hair and makeup look great…
Anonymous
I went to work a few days ago in the flip-flops I wear for walking the dog. Lesson learned – keep a spare pair of nice shoes at the office! Hope your day turns around :)
Anonymous
A few months ago, I was at a conference in the host hotel. I walked downstairs to the conference room and realized I still had my shower flip flops on. I always wear flip flops in a hotel. I was wearing a suit, and suddenly the odd glances in the hotel elevator made sense. I ran upstairs to change as fast as my flip flops would let me!
ANP
Just got a coupon code in my emailbox for 30% off at Lo & Sons. My three-year-old OG (or maybe it’s an OMG, I forget) needs replacing — there’s a scratch on the side and the corners are all fraying. I haven’t found a bag I like as much that meets all of my requirements: holds laptop, work files, water bottle and other miscellany, is lightweight, has good organizer pockets, has the sleeve on the back for a luggage handle. Think I can do better for the $192 I’d spend with this coupon? Thanks, gals.
Spironolactone
I know I’ve seen a fair amount of spironolactone discussion for cystic acne on here before, so question for those of you who have taken it–is it the sort of thing you stay on the same dose indefinitely (until pregnancy/menopause?), or were you able to eventually reduce or go off entirely without getting the acne back?
My derm just put me on it last month and I go back in for a follow up in a few weeks, so I will talk to her about this then, but I forgot to ask at the first appointment with so many other questions. I’m a distance runner in a very humid climate and struggling with the dehydration it’s causing, so already hoping this is something where I can go to a lower maintenance dose (I had a really bad number of large cysts all over my face when I went in, and it + doxy + the two topicals have helped clear that up almost entirely already). If it matters, I’m on 50mg twice a day now, so 100mg total per day.
Anonymous
I hear you.
I also have low blood pressure normally, and my sprinolactone 100 once a day is dehydrating. I have to drink, and be careful when I stand up quickly.
But it works miracles for me.
Some people have relief with aging/menopause, and can get off it. Some have less success off it long term.
I am on two topicals + spiro. If I decrease the topicals, the small pimples return. If I decrease the spiro, the large cysts return.
At your next appointment, my guess is that she may recommend tapering down on something. But my guess is that she would stop the antibiotic first, but you may tolerate coming down on the spirono as well. Only change one thing at a time, and see what happens.
I actually get 25mg tablets x 4, and about every 3-6 months, try to decrease the dose slightly. But the cysts come back. My father still has acne in his 70’s. My dermatologist warned me I may have it life long. Just…. ugh.
I’m in my mid-40’s now.
Spironolactone
Oh wow re: your father! Ugh indeed.
I think you’re right that the first step will be going off the antibiotic–she prescribed 0 refills of that and 5 of the spirono. I’ve got some bad dizziness and stomach upset from the doxy too, so I won’t complain about going off of that when it’s time! And maybe that’s contributing to what feels like dehydration and the spirono won’t be so bad on it’s own…? ::wishful thinking::
Anonymous
I am really active (CrossFit, where I train + coach, + running + whatever else I can pack in to my week) and my gym is not air conditioned and we are in the DC area so it gets HOT in the summer. I am on 50mg 2x a day as well. I started on 25 but the results weren’t as good. I haven’t tried to taper off. I do try to be very very aware of my hydration and also getting enough electrolytes in to balance (I like NUUN tablets, gatorade is just too much for me, even the calorie-free ones), but I did find this got better. I’ve been on spiro for over a year and I think my body has gotten better at regulating.
Anecdata: I also have PCOS and I find I had a much easier time losing weight once spiro was in the mix.
Also anecdata: I never had cystic acne until I got my IUD, and my derm said it is common for them to cause them/maybe the pill I was on before was controlling the acne and I never noticed.
Spironolactone
That’s good to hear about your body getting used to it. I tolerate lemon-lime Gatorade pretty well but I still don’t like drinking it in large quantities due to the sugar–I have Nuun tabs though so that’s a good reminder that I could mix those in with my water occasionally.
I’ve actually been off the pill for about a year (with the exception of a few months earlier this year that made no dent in the acne but brought back my migraines with a vengeance) but am getting an IUD soon. I knew the IUD wouldn’t help with acne, but hopefully it doesn’t bring back the cysts!
anony
Try G2 or Powerade zero.
Beans
Anyone have any experience with Henri Bendel bags? Am looking at the Uptown satchel specifically.
Sharp
I have about $150 in Nordstrom credit and for once, I cannot find one thing I like! Everything on my wish list is sold out or no longer sold. What’s on your wishlist?
Cat
don’t feel like you have to buy something immediately! I’d hang onto it and use it for holiday shopping if you don’t find something special for yourself in the meantime.
That said, you could always buy makeup, exercise/commuting shoes, sunglasses… and don’t forget they also sell home goods so you could browse the bedding, comfy throws, etc. too.
Anonymous
I’d invest in a couple nice bras. Nordstroms will fit you, which I highly recommend, to make sure you’re wearing the right size.
Senior Attorney
Angie over at youlookfab dot com has a roundup of fall things at Nordstrom today. You might get some ideas there! (I pulled the trigger on the loafer booties, which I love although I realize they are not everybody’s cup of tea!)
Anonymous
Do you treat your friends? Or accept an offer from a friend? I have no problem picking up the tab at a bar, taking a friend out to dinner, etc, especially if I know a friend makes less than I do or is facing a challenging financial situation. I always assume the friend will return the favor in the future when in a position to do so.
A good friend of mine is very against this. She always wants to split the bill, which is fine, but she has confided she’s going through financial challenges and as a result, she’d rather sit at home than go out. I’m more than happy to take her out and treat her because I value her as a person, enjoy spending time with her, and would be happy to cheer her up if I can. I’m not talking about an extravagant meal, but I have no problem if we go out and I buy her a $15 entree.
I haven’t seen her as much lately because of this. A few weeks ago, I did go to her house to help her with something, and she made PB&J sandwiches. I thought about offering to order in a pizza or Chinese, but I didn’t because I suspected it would embarrass her. So we ate the sandwiches and had a nice evening hanging out. Would you have handled this differently?
New Tampanian
How about getting a gift card to where you would like to go and say to her “Hey, I got this gift card to XYZ restaurant – want to go to dinner?” You don’t need to tell her HOW you got it. That might be a bit more comfortable for her to accept than watching you pay with a credit card or cash.
Anonymous
I take a couple of my close GFs out to dinner on their birthdays and they do the same for me. I might also treat a friend if we were celebrating big news like a promotion or engagement. Otherwise, we go dutch.
I would never, ever treat a friend because she’s having financial problems. Even if well-intentioned, it comes across as incredibly condescending. If a friend suggests staying home and you know she’s having financial issues, you either happily go to her house or you don’t accept the invite. You don’t say “oh it’s ok, we can go out because I’ll pay.” How embarrassing for her.
Next time she asks you over for dinner, I might offer to bring a soup or a salad so at least there will be something to eat besides PB&J. That isn’t nearly as condescending as offering to pay for her meal but still helps her out while giving yourself a more appetizing meal. It’s polite to bring a dish when you’re invited to someone’s home for a meal regardless of their financial situation.
Anon in NYC
I agree wholeheartedly with the second paragraph. I don’t think you should try to force your generosity on your friend. I know that you’re trying to be a good friend and a good person, but she has expressed discomfort with you paying for things.
Do other things like: invite her to your apartment to hang out and have a meal, bring wine/other parts of a meal to her house if she’s invited you over to dinner, plan low cost/free outings (like museum trips) and then perhaps get lunch or brunch out (which can be less expensive than dinner).
Anon
Invite her over for spaghetti. Done.
Anon
Can you invite her to your house, and already have the take-out there? Or make plans to meet at 8 at her house and bring a bottle of wine? I’ve been in both positions (able to treat a friend, and needing to be treated), and it always helped to be in situations where any financial transaction was removed from the situation. My friend appreciated when I subtly treated her during big gatherings she otherwise would have missed (a big meal where everyone orders then tosses in their card at the end – I would just gather the cards, present to the waitress and quietly ask that my card be charged twice for the even split), but I think it was more uncomfortable when it was one on one. Similarly, when I don’t feel like I have a lot to contribute to food/drink, I like where I show up and food is already there (no awkward tipping/paying delivery guy) or if we take food off the table all together and just have a post dinner glass of wine.
AIMS
I like both the gift card idea and the invite her over idea. In the situation you describe, I probably would have picked up something to bring to her house, like a bottle of wine and some pizza. I think people are more likely to accept being treated if it’s already paid for.
I think there are lots of things you can still do to see your friend: go for a walk in the park, get a cup of coffee instead of a whole dinner, etc.
bridget
Bring over take-out, pizza, a lasagna you made, etc., and a bottle of wine. Tell her that she’s in charge of going to Redbox for the movie.
Anon
I think you handled it right — just eat the PBJ. It would be rude and it would embarrass her if you had turned up your nose at PBJ and said you’d order them a pizza; same way it would be rude if someone invites you for dinner, slaves over a pot roast and you say — oh let’s just get Chinese.
Now that you know there are financial issues AND she doesn’t want to take from you, there are ways to deal. I like the GC idea — though you can only do that so many times with the excuse that your credit card company or whoever just sent you a GC, let’s go eat. You can invite her over — that way the food onus is on you and you can order in anything. If she invites you over and says nothing about dinner but you know it’ll be near meal time, you could pick up a pizza on the way; if you think that’d offend her — you can ask in advance and say “can I pick up a pizza.” If she says no, respect that but insist on bringing a dessert or side.
Just as an FYI — depending on the extent of financial issues — the first thing people cut out is good food/good for you food. So if you are ever in a situation where you can bring food over — think along the lines of veggies even if it’s just simple roasted veggies or veggies and dip as an appetizer, as produce is more expensive than frozen pizza and PBJ so she may not be buying much of it right now.
lawsuited
While I absolutely agree with your sentiment here, the suggestion that making a PBJ sandwich and slaving over a roast dinner are the same doesn’t make sense. While absolutely no one would be tone deaf enough to suggest getting takeout instead of eating a complex meal that a friend took hours to prepare, it could be reasonable in some circumstances to suggest getting takeout when the alternative is a peanut butter sandwich.
In this scenario, I’d offer to bring dinner over when visiting her place, and also invite her over to your place where you can provide dinner.
Viva Las Megas
I keep seeing cute sweaters on Pinterest that are linked to a company called CupShe. Looking quickly at the website (and judging primarily by the low prices and spelling errors) this has to be basically a garbage brand, right? I’m not opposed to periodically purchasing inexpensive one-season items, but I do not want to be in a situation where what is delivered is outlandishly terrible/ill fitting. Alternatively, has anybody seen something similar to the Grin and Flare it sweater they offer?
Amanda
I found this on reddit reviewing the company:
https://www.reddit.com/r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide/comments/3g24hu/anyone_have_experience_with_the_online_store/
Anonymous
Need advice, Hive! I’ve been talking to a guy “John” I met through a friend of a friend. He seems really great, with similar personal and career interests. We have several mutual friends and connected on Facebook and over the phone, but we live on opposite coasts. We are thinking of potentially meeting up next month.
However, another mutual friend “Matt” has warned me about John. The “warnings” are very vague but concerning, saying he’s sexist, negative, and childish. This doesn’t seem at all like the person I’ve been in contact with. I brought it up to John, and he acknowledged he doesn’t get along with Matt, their families don’t get along, and they are competing business partners.
John even said we can just meet up as friends with no expectations of anything physical if that makes me feel more comfortable. John openly and frankly talked about his past relationships, and the fact he engaged in a conversation about sexism indicates to me that he isn’t sexist. Most sexist men I’ve met won’t engage with that, just saying women are oversensitive, its overblown, doesn’t exist in society, etc.
What would you do? Frankly I’ve never been in the situation where one person I trust (Matt) has such a vehemently negative opinion of another without any real, concrete examples or evidence of misconduct.
Anonymous
What’s the harm in going out with him and deciding for yourself?
AIMS
I agree. The only potential red flag to me is the statement that you could meet up without any expectation of anything physical, which should be a given, not something that needs to be said or bargained for. But I’m probably reading that out of context and he was maybe just trying to be reassuring?
Also, if you are really concerned, why not ask one of your other mutual friend?
anon
I agree with both points, but re asking a mutual friend: tread very carefully. It strikes me as potentially drama-producing to ask a mutual friend whether John and Matt have some kind of feud going on. If you’re going to ask your friends about it, make sure to only ask people who are primarily your friends and won’t blab about how you “must not really trust John if you’re giving any weight to Matt’s BS.”
Anonymous
I would still go out with John but if I trusted Matt’s judgment I might be a bit more cautious so I had some space if I found red flags. Like book my own hotel room if I went to visit and not rely on staying in John’s guest room.
AB
Make up your own mind, but this has shades of Darcy and Wickham for me.
Anonymous
lol
anon
I guess it depends how it came up, but it strikes me as weird for him to say you can meet up as friends with no “expectation” of anything physical. Uh we just started talking. Why would you “expect” that anything physical would happen anyway such that you feel the need to assure me that you won’t “expect” anything?
It’s also not clear to me how he engaged in a conversation about sexism, but I wouldn’t assume that the fact that a guy can have such a conversation means that he’s not sexist. Some of the most sexist people I know are outwardly very PC or say seemingly pro-feminist things.
Anonymous
I very much agree with your second paragraph, especially the last sentence.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t date someone who lived on an opposite coast. It’s one thing if you’re dating and someone moves, but to start out like that? Not a great situation.
Anonymous
Eh, I met my husband when I was on vacation in his town. We clicked, kept talking once I was back home and started dating long distance. Eventually I moved to be with him and now we’re married. It happens and I wouldn’t write off a budding relationship for distance reasons unless both parties are sure they don’t want to relocate.
Anonymous
I took the no expectation of sleeping together as they’d discussed it or been flirtatious, and he was saying it’s not an expectation to he clear he’s not just looking for a booty call.
Anonymous
Any chance Matt likes you and is not an unbiased third party? Assuming you’re sure he doesn’t have feelings for you, I’d probably heed his opinion if you trust him. I haven’t always been able to clearly articulate why I don’t like a friend’s BF. Sometimes it’s just a gut instinct and it’s almost always proven right.
I also very much agree with the comments that just because John is outwardly PC does not mean he is not sexist or misogynistic.
Lillers
Can anyone recommend a good tailor/seamstress in Chicago? I’m willing to go out to the burbs as well. I haven’t had much luck with the dry cleaners in my area.
Anonymous
How good does s/he need to be? I know an amazing one who is not cheap in the suburbs. If it’s a very important alteration or you’re not too concerned about price, the tailor at Sweet William in Hinsdale is excellent.
Terry
Alva Graciano Tailors
http://www.alvagracianotailors.com/
frustrated academic
The Golden Needle on Chicago and State. She is pricey, but excellent (did my wedding dress and shortened the sleeves of a Tory Burch tunic).
Anonymous
Wide calf boot recommendation? I’d like something black, leather, low heel. I hate the “expandable” zipper ones with 2 zippers.
Anon
Naturalizer has some good ones. It took me forever to find my pair of wide-calf boots, but those were it.