Commuting Hall of Fame: Shaye Rain Boot

205 Comments

1. I’ve always dismissed Eddie BAuer as being super frumpy, but I saw a young-ish, generally stylish girl in the elevator this week and was shocked to see that her just-what-I’m-looking-for trench/hooded rain jacket was Eddie Bauer. I had been looking to North Face, Patagonia, Lulu, even, with no luck until now. I’m specifically looking at the Women’s Windfoil® Elite Trench Coat and/or the Women’s Girl On The Go Insulated Trench Coat. Any thoughts?

   My commute is changing in November – will involve walking about 15 mins from train to office. I need to upgrade my outerwear, which I’ve been able to shortchange for the last 5 years as I was able to scoot from parking garage into office building in about 30 seconds, so I got by without putting much thought into my outerwear. TIA!

   1. ETA: Also, anyone know if their stuff goes on sale semi-regularly or how to get a good coupon code?? Everything is 30% off today, but I’m not ready to pull the trigger today!

      1. I buy stuff from Eddie Bauer. I would buy their stuff at 30% off. I have not seen them offering discounts above that unless the stuff is on clearance or it is their outlet location.

   2. I don’t have any jackets from Eddie Bauer, but the first one looks a lot like a jacket I bought last year in Seattle from a Columbia store. (Can’t find mine on the website.) I like it a lot, but worth noting that if the Windfoil is like mine, it can be a bit on the warm side (which was ideal for the conditions of my visit to Seattle, but means it’s better for late fall where I actually live).

      1. Dad used to buy stuff from Eddy Bauer by mail order, but then he was abel to get in local stores. He said that the queality went down alot from the old days. I told him What’s new? All of the places make stuff that only lasts a few seasons. He told me he had CHAMMY shirt’s for 10 years from them, but no more. FOOEY on people who put crummy stuff out there with a fancy Eddy Bauer label, Dad says, and I agree with him.

   3. Don’t overlook frumpy stores when it comes to good quality outerwear! I don’t have experience with EB, but my best quality/most durable coats are from Lands End and LL Bean. And they’re generally less expensive than trendy brands like Northface.

      1. I know – I adore my Bean Boots and LL Bean gloves (and ski jacket!) But, Eddie Bauer is a new one for me…. just wanted to confirm that it was, in fact, good quality!

   4. I have the Girl on the Go trench and it is awesome. The fleecy layer unzips out but it’s perfect to have in all the way up until the very coldest NYC days. I even wear it in the winter with layers underneath. It is absolutely solidly waterproof. I highly recommend. And I consider myself a stylish NYC lady (mid 30s). I shop Eddie Bauer/LLBean only for outerwear stuff like this

      1. Yes! Thank you! Exactly the review I was hoping for.

      2. I have it too and agree, it’s awesome and definitely waterproof. . . Just be sure when you order that you order the one that has the removable lining, I think there are two products with very similar names and one has the lining and one doesn’t, I made this mistake and had to exchange. One other thing not clear from catalouge pictures- there is a pretty obvious logo on the cuff, which i don’t like, but the sleeves are long enough for me that I can fold the cuff up a bit to cover the logo.

      3. I have the Insulated Girl on the Go and it is PERFECT for most of Winter that’s not absolutely freezing. If you live somewhere that has very cold rain or a good amount of snow but don’t want a HUGE down jacket, I highly recommend it. I lived in it last year when I had a puppy and was going outside ALL THE TIME to work on potty training. I get compliments on it.

         And for the Tall ladies, Eddie Bauer is my absolute go-to for ski jackets, ski pants, outdoorsy pants, and t-shirts. I don’t wear a lot of their other clothes.

         Re sales: If their stuff is current season 30-40% is the best you’ll get and they usually do that around holidays (Memorial Day, Thanksgiving, etc.). When they do Clearance, it’s MUCH better and you can get amazing down or raincoats for 60+% off, but they are generally off-season. The clearance is great in the first few days.

   5. I saw one at Nordies for $80!

   6. EB is great quality. They have a fantastic return policy. I once returned a pair of pants after 2 years because I they came apart at the zipper after 2 years, and they took them back no questions asked. Their products are super high quality, and they stand by them. I love them for casual wear or outerwear.

   7. I just bought an *opaque* white tshirt there, after not going in for ~10 years. It’s 100% cotton and nicely fitted (not boxy). I wouldn’t wear it under a suit but I’d wear it to my business casual workplace in a heart beat.

   8. Eddie Bauer has nice things from time to time. I always look there because it’s a tall girl store and their size range is pretty good.

2. First time posting here. Has anyone here ever cut a parent out of their life because you couldn’t deal with their narcissism?

   My mother and dad split up when I was one. They had met right after high school got married because my mom was pregnant. She kicked my dad out because he didn’t have enough money.

   My dad paid her more child support than required and even kept up spousal support after she remarried. He gave her whatever she wanted and his only concern was me. I just graduated from law school. My dad is no longer paying my mom because I’m an adult and I’m done school. She had a meltdown over it and even wanted to take him to court. Nevermind that she just divorced her third husband and neither him nor her second pay her spousal support.

   She is also having a meltdown because of my dad’s new girlfriend. My dad hasn’t dated anyone since the divorce because he was so busy working all the time to afford all the money he paid her. My dad is 45 and his new girlfriend is 32. My mother (who has never had a job in her life because she refuses) won’t shut up about her being younger and after my dad’s money. I met his girlfriend, she is nice and has been good to my dad. They are both former armed forces and have that in common and she has a job and supports herself, nevermind that my dad isn’t rich even though he’s no longer paying my mom, so she isn’t after his money like my mom says. Most importantly, my dad is happy and after all these years he deserves it.

   I am stressed enough about finishing school, preparing for the bar exam in February and trying to find a job. I honestly can’t take dealing with my mother but I have vented to a few friends who all say they can’t believe I would think about cutting off my mother. Has anyone here ever cut off a parent because of their narcissism and drama? I would appreciate hearing about it.

   (Thank you for reading the novel I posted).

   1. I don’t have any direct experience, but I feel for you after reading your post! I’m assuming you don’t live with mom, correct? I’d say two things: 1) you are perfectly within your rights to tell your mom that you have a lot on your plate right now, and unless she can talk to you about topics other than dad, you will need to limit (or eliminate) all contact with her until after you take the bar. Then I’d do it. I wouldn’t call, text or see her until Feb. After Feb, I would 2) lay ground rules. Mom should not be discussing your dad and her financial situation with you. She can tell a friend, tell a counselor or write a journal. It’s not a topic you will discuss since it has no relevance to you and it’s interfering with your relationship with dad. Then enforce that rule too. If Mom starts talking about dad and money, you leave the room or you tell her that you are hanging up the phone. Eventually, she will get the idea or she’ll have limited/no contact with you. Good luck!

   2. As a first step can you try refusing to talk to your mom about your dad? I’d be reluctant to go from regular contact to no contact without at least trying to set some hard boundaries first. Like hang up on her when she starts in about your Dad. Anything about your Dad/New GF/alimony/child support as a prohibited topic with your mom. I’d start there and see if that works before jumping to cutting off all contact.

      1. Agreed. No contact is not an appropriate initial step.

         1. With all due respect, anyone who hasn’t suffered through being raised by a narcissist has no right to tell someone what is or isn’t an “appropriate” method of saving themselves. People who grew up with healthy, loving families don’t understand, and their rules don’t apply.

            1. +1,000 SD.

         2. You in no way, shape or format get to decide this for someone else. OP was asking for advice from people who have been there, not an opinion from someone who knows barely any details about the situation.

            1. Oh please. She ASKED.

      2. I can’t speak to cutting off contact with your momor not because I don’t have experience with that, but I do agree with not speaking to your parents about each other. That’s my usually strategy for dealing with my parents. I spent way too much of my life mediating between the two. I think you really need to raise your boundaries between you and your mom so her “needs” don’t overshadow yours.

   3. My sister is like your mom. It’s easy to ghost her a bit except when I have a hour to hear the same story about how my BIL moved on after divorcing her (she is just like your mother: never worked, doesn’t plan to). A mother is hard. You may need to be “busy” for when you just can’t deal, if you keep in contact. But I’m glad you and your dad are getting along. I think you’d be fine if you have one parent and one N parent.

   4. Yes, and I beg you, please deal with these issues now, before you start working. Find a therapist if you can. Take advantage of your student counseling center for the rest of the year.

      Start with these books:
      Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist
      Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

      A similar situation happened to me when I first started working, and I almost totally had a breakdown over it. First year at a law firm is not a great time to have major, anxiety-inducing family issues come to a head. You aren’t crazy or a bad person for thinking about these things, and I hope you’ll keep reaching out for help. Friends who don’t have a narcissistic parent will not be helpful, they will make you feel worse because they truly cannot relate. Find someone who does get it, or join a support group, or reply here and I’ll send you my email address. The isolation is the worst, and I can assure you that there are many other daughters like you out there, and we have survived, and grieved having a normal parent, and are having great thriving lives in which their parents do not run the show or suck the good energy out of everyday life. HUGS.

      1. Sorry for the pronoun switch there in the last sentence. I feel strongly about this, clearly, enough to garble my words…

      2. Such great advice. I should have cut my mom out of my life, and didn’t, because “family.” Those books are great places to start. I’ve now had to stop contact with my narc brother for the same reasons. I have so much more head-space now that I’m not dealing with his drama all the time.

      3. “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” helped me so much!

         1. I can confirm above good advice:
            Read: “Will I Ever Be Good Enough”
            – and –
            Find a good, nurturing therapist now
            – and –
            Stop immediately the pattern of tri-angulation communication

            Speaking from experience – I waited too long to deal with my dear narcissist
            Sending Hugs

   5. Lots and lots of people will tell you that since she’s family you have to continue to associate with her. I disagree. At some point everyone gets to decide who to have as a part of their lives, including family.

      You sound like you’ve put in more than enough time to know that she’s not capable of change. I would let her know what the consequences of her continuing this will be (losing contact with you) and follow through with it.

      If you’ve got bar exam stress hanging over all of this, waiting until you are little more clear-headed might benefit your feelings on the decision later on.

      – Had to cut my dad out of my life for my own sanity. It isn’t easy but it was for the best.

   6. I have a narcissitic family member, and we deal by stepping back for a while when we can’t handle the drama, tapping in again when we can, stepping back again, and so on. You can take a step back from your mom right now while you deal with other things, without cutting her off forever. Although cutting off completely is sometime necessary for narcissistic family members, I strongly recommend that you see a therapist to talk you through whether cutting your mom off it the right decision, strategies for doing that if it is, and alternatives if it isn’t. It sounds like that will have to wait until you’ve cleared your plate a bit.

      Good luck with the rest of school and your bar exams! The best thing you can do for a parent is to stand on your own two feet and make a success of yourself.

   7. No experience but if I were you, I would without feeling bad. Looks like there is ample advice here on how to bifurcate your relationship to at least keep part of it though. Good luck :-/

   8. DH has a narcisisstic mom, although we didn’t actually identify her as such until very recently (at which point so many lightbulbs went off and we realized why we have such a tough time interacting with her). He cut her off entirely for about a year (no contact, no phone calls) and after she insisted, she came to visit us and hang out with her grandkids. Now, we do interact, but sparingly.

      Initially, I felt that DH was being overly harsh with his mom. But after seeing her destructive behavior over and over again and seeing how angry/sad/helpless he felt, I realized that he was doing the right thing.

      It’s really sad and unfortunate, and as someone who is close to their mom, it was initially hard for me to understand. But for the sake of your own well being, I think sometimes you do just have to cut off contact — maybe not permanently, but scale it way back down.

   9. I strongly recommend reading back through the Raised by Narcissists subreddit for a while to help you unpack your feelings on this, and to see the experiences others have had going limited- or no-contact. If nothing else, that subreddit will make you feel a thousand times less alone.

   10. Yes, cut both my parents out for 7 years. I went so far as to change my phone number and even my name to get away. Tried family therapy first, it just made things worse, hearing her shift blame and deny my reality; it was awful. And trying to enforce boundaries made things worse because she dialed up the guilt and acting out. I had to choose between having parents, or having a chance at sanity and a happy life.

       Now it’s been 8 years and I have to tell you, something nigh unbelievable happened. She apologized. Genuinely. We’re in family therapy again with a MUCH better therapist. The years and years of distance were necessary for us both to grow (me into an adult who has boundaries and knows how to treat and be treated with respect; her into… less of an insane narcissist) and, with lots of work and help from a therapist, we’re slowly figuring out how to reconcile, even though I’m still angry. She was even able to acknowledge that I was right to cut contact.

       I don’t think this sort of thing happens often; narcissists are pretty resistant to change and introspection (by definition). But I absolutely do not regret cutting contact, even though it was insanely difficult and traumatic. Only you can know when you’ve reached that point. Oh, and only date partners and have friends who understand and fully support you in that choice.

   11. My sister has cut off our narcissistic mom and I go through periods of more limited contact with her. It’s a tough decision, no doubt, and I’ve watched my sister really struggle with it. It finally got to a point where every time she would have contact with our mom, it would send her spiraling emotionally, including not being able to sleep, anxiety attacks, etc. So for her own mental health, she cut off contact, and I understand and support her decision. I don’t have such an extreme reaction to my mom, but I go through periods of more contact and less contact. Ultimately, you have to do what’s best for you and don’t let the guilt sway you. It’s hard, no doubt. But your main priority is you, despite what you’ve been conditioned to think by your mom. I agree, check out the reddit mentioned above; it helps a lot.

   12. Thank you everyone for the responses and for the support.

       It isn’t just my dad. My mother has a long history of being selfish and materialistic (example: her engagement ring from her last husband cost five figures and she thought it was “cheap” and too small and she tried to get a piece of my dad’s military benefits even though he joined after they divorced and my mother had remarried). She didn’t support me going to law school and only supported me going to undergrad so I could get a MRS degree. She blames my dad for ruining me because I want to work. If it wasn’t for my dad sending me home with grocery money when I was a kid my mom wouldn’t have bothered to go out and get food half the time.

       I have tried ignoring her or hanging up when she brings up or bad mouths my dad but she hasn’t gotten the hint. My dad never did this to me. I admit I was a bit shocked at his girlfriend’s age but I gave my head a shake when 1) I realized he hadn’t gone on a date for almost 25 years (seriously) and 2) they are both adults and she is good to him and has been good for him.

       I do appreciate the advice and support from all of you. Thank you :)

       1. “I have tried ignoring her or hanging up when she brings up or bad mouths my dad but she hasn’t gotten the hint. ”

          This is concerning for me. I recommended cutting off all discussion about your dad/child support as a first step (based on limited contact being successful with one family member; I have had to go no contact with another). However, limiting contact isn’t about your mom ‘getting’ a hint. You would have to stay “Mom, I will no longer speak or listen with you about my father, his relationships past or present, or anything related to child or spousal support. If you reference these topics in anyway at anytime I will hang up the phone or leave the room immediately. If you are not able to respect this limitation I will not be able to have any contact with you.” Then you do it, if she says the word ‘your father’, you hang up and unplug the phone for the night or block her and try again the next day. Repeated pattern of not respecting this limit would result in a change to no contact. Again, this is not about your mom ‘getting a hint’ – you have to be very express and consistent.

   13. Yep! Celebrated 5 yrs without my mother 2 weeks ago! It was tough and the first several months was fielding questions and I ended up sending one summary email to everyone so I didn’t have to listen to their thoughts. But honestly, it is sooooo much of a better life without the insanity!

       I know good parents can’t imagine their kids doing that and kids with great parents can’t imagine it, but for the rest of us, it makes sense!

   14. Yup. Its been ~3 years for me. The last straw was when she told me to go f*ck myself and she hoped my life blew up in [place I live]. Best decision ever. Life is too short to allow people to mistreat you. The clincher for me was how my stress with her was spilling over into my other relationships.

   15. in a similar place atm. to cut out or not to cut out? can’t really afford to financially as a freshman undergrad with no credit history, but i might have to just so i don’t have a mental breakdown from all the stress. almost broke down crying about 10ish times this week – ONLY like this when i’m in a bad period with my n mom.

       i think you need to do what is best for you. if cutting her out – even just temporarily- is what it takes for you to stay sane and focus on what you need to focus 0n, then do it. don’t let her narcissism get in the way of you living your life – it’s your life, your decisions, your ability to act. if she isn’t getting the hint and continues to try and talk about your dad, alimony, etc., i would honestly tell her you’re hanging up and hang the heck up. let her know it’s not okay for her to do this to you. send her the name of a really good therapist who specializes in dealing with narcissism, even.

3. Someone just told me about this company and how they’re pants that look like work pants but feel like yoga pants… they have tons of clothing on their website, but it’s online order, not in stores (maybe they have one in SF?) Any feedback on this company?

   1. I like mine. They have free shipping and free returns, FYI.

      1. +1 I bought the yoga riding pants and returned for free. Easy peasy. FYI, mine ran large.

   2. I like mine too. I have the boot-cut and straight-leg. They are form fitting and thick. They shrink a bit in the wash, especially in the length.

   3. I feel like I have all the SF based tech company things. I have betabrand pants – the yoga as workpants style & I like them. I wear them on more casual days & for travel. They’re comfortable & TTS. They run a little more “tight” than a regular dress pant though.

   4. I have two pairs of their yoga/dress pants! They’re nice, great for travel days, super super comfy. I found their customer service great. I also have their Work It Skort but it’s dumb and irredeemably wrinkly.

   5. I tried these and they did not work for me, so I think it depends on your body type–I’m an hourglass with thick thighs and big derriere. No matter the size, these did not look like work pants on me. However, I have slim friends on whom they look work appropriate.

      1. shaped the same and also in LA… thanks!!!!

4. My Air Tali shoes are soo comfortable that I’ve worn them out for all but casual outing use. Is there a good replacement that is a comfortable wedge that is neither almost flat or super-high? I should have bought a spare when I bought these, but I so so used to shoes being comfortable in-store and then failing in some way after all-day wear and city walking. The wedge is key since they let me go over grates in the sidewalk instead of around.

   They are also the only CH shoes that have leather bend-y enough to go over my slightly-wider-than-B-width left foot.

   1. Calvin Klein Saxton wedges – have several that have had extensive wear over 2-3 years and they’ve held up well. Available at zappos and amazon.

5. Someone posted one of those long “my wife is so great” posts on FB today in honor of their anniversary. Normally I roll my eyes and move on, but this one really struck me because I know both parties fairly well and they do seem to be honestly happily married in that they seem to enjoy each other’s company. The post was full of stuff like “I can’t imagine going through life with anyone but you” and all sorts of that kind of stuff. I can’t imagine my husband saying any of those kinds of things, even privately, because I don’t think he feels them. I’ve tried talking to him about this and he rolls his eyes, says, “of course I love you,” and changes the topic. After years like this, I don’t think I feel any of these things towards him either. I’ve tried “rekindling” with vacations and we have a weekly date night. He refuses counseling because “everything is fine.” We have a small child. What do I do?

   1. Was he ever effusive like that? Because honestly, my husband really has never been in all the years (nearly 20 now) we’ve been together. It’s just not his style. If my husband said anything of that stuff to me, I would think he’d suffered a head injury or had cheated. I know he loves me, but he’s just not that kind of person.

      1. Not that eloquently (and certainly not publicly), but yes, early in the relationship (we’ve been together well over a decade). The bigger issue is that he doesn’t seem to actually enjoy my company or to like me, not just that he’s not willing to say it.

         1. Then that’s the issue.
            Try hanging out together, or dating each other, and see if you like each other now.

            I know what you mean, but it has nothing to do with that post on social media, you know.

         2. I vividly remember standing in front of Hallmark card displays, looking in vain for the one that said something like “Happy Anniversary to my reasonably unobjectionable husband.”

            I ended up going to counseling by myself, and although it took a long time, I finally realized that wasn’t the kind of marriage I wanted. YMMV due to the young child, but I still think it would be a good place to start.

      2. +1 If my husband wrote something like this I would burst into tears (sad tears, not happy tears) because I would assume he cheated or had other terrible news and was trying to soften the blow. We’ve been together over a decade and are very happy, and he’s never written anything like this (and I’d be very embarrassed if he did and shared it publicly).

         1. +1.

      3. I’m like that when I get flowers. I would doubly be like that if my husband ever put that on FB. B/c even if it’s true, it’s a bit of an overshare. What will it be next, “OMG so gassy today.” Just no.

         To the OP: 10 years + working + small child = life is tough. Maybe he also needs some alone time? Mine recharges a lot that way. When he is happier, we is happier.

   2. Comparison is the thief of joy, so I’m not sure if this is really an issue in your marriage or you’re just making it one.

   3. FWIW, I love my husband very much and have never seriously contemplated divorce, but I would never say (publicly or privately) “I can’t imagine going through life with anyone else.” I don’t WANT to go through life without him, but I also know that if he died or we divorced I would be devastated and then I would eventually be ok, and maybe even find happiness with someone else some day. You can love someone very much and think he is a wonderful partner without believing he is the only person on this planet of more than 7 billion people that you could be happy with.

      Also, this is why I hate Facebook. Even if they are genuinely happy (and I’m skeptical because I think really 99% of those posts are compensating or apologizing for something), that doesn’t mean its only way to be happy. I suspect you’d feel a lot better about your relationship if it weren’t for social media.

      1. +1 I try to stay away from hyperbole in relationships for exactly this reason. I think it takes away from the very happy, honest, loving and grounded partnership my husband and I have to default to exaggerated and easy phrases like “I couldn’t live without you” and “you’re the best man on the planet”.

         Consider doing the 5 Love Languages quiz. Lately, I know my husband loves me when he cleans up the car after my morning sickness goes haywire, or takes out the trash immediately because the smell of what we just ate for dinner is turning my stomach. Those are real, real expressions of love, and I’m mighty glad those things aren’t posted on Facebook.

         1. Haha I love your last sentence :)

         2. I’ve taken to telling my husband “You love me!” whenever he says or does something that I interpret as love. It’s so much more conscious than saying “I love you” like an exiting afterthought. And after he noticed how it helped him feel appreciated, he started saying it as well! We don’t use it as often as we say “I love you” but it always means a lot more because it takes recognition.

            1. Oh this is a lovely idea!

            2. Ooh I like this very much.

         3. Ha ha ha–I am 100% sure my husband loves me because he spent nine months cleaning up after my hyperemesis.

      2. Yep. My husband is like this. Like I would say to him, “do you think we’ll be together forever?” and his response would be “I don’t know.” Because he doesn’t know. We could grow apart and get a divorce. I could die. Something, anything, could happen. He does not feel comfortable giving an absolute like that. He would NEVER post a gushy sentiment on FB.

         FWIW, this drove me nuts. Until, like lawsuited said, I decided to appreciate all of the ways he shows up for me and our family.

         1. I’m asking this because I often have the impulse to ask my husband similar questions… Why ask the question “Do you think we’ll be together forever?” in the first place? What stops me is the realization that it’s crazy to think that any of us know what the future holds for us and because if that’s what he’s thinking but what he says is “I don’t know” a little piece of me will die, even though I have the same thought!

            1. I would ask because I would want him to say things to me like, “yes, of course, I’ll always love you” and somehow use it as a barometer of the depth of his feelings for me. Even though I know that 1) he loves me, and 2) we don’t know what the future holds. The most I ever got from him was a, “well, I hope so” (which I honestly considered a huge improvement). I’m usually not That Girl, but this really got under my skin for a while.

      3. I read somewhere (can’t remember so I have no idea how credible it is) that people who seem happiest on social media are the most miserable in real life. May or may not be true, but I try to take all of those types of posts with a grain of salt. Same with the new homes, new cars, and vacation posts.

   4. Read the 5 Love Languages book? Even if you won’t do it with you, maybe you could figure out his (which isn’t words of affirmation, I’m guessing).

      I am married to Words of Affirmation. I am a Words of Affirmation mother, but it is not my nature to be like that with a partner (b/c if I didn’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t be with you). Who also like Gifts of Stuff.

      I am a gifts of service person. Gifts of stuff clutter up the house.

      Maybe this is a code of sorts to crack?

   5. Your original post makes me think you just want more demonstrative shows of affection -and that’s fine to ask for! But if your husband isn’t an effusive person, he might just not ever say anything like that. And like Anon at 3:14, I’m crazy about my SO, catch my breath sometimes with awe that I love him so much, but if something happened, I know I’d eventually find someone else, or get a couple dogs and a salt fish tank, and I’d be ok.

      The later comment about not enjoying your company is a different issue. Have you told him it seems like he doesn’t enjoy your company any more? As for that, the common knowledge is to do a new activity or hobby together, but both parties have to want to engage with each other. If he doesn’t want to engage on any level, that IS an issue, and DOES call for counseling. Best of luck.

   6. Are you otherwise content in your relationship? And I use the word content and not “happy” for a reason. There seems to be this perception that being “happy” means you have to be over the top gushy all the time. Most people’s personalities just don’t accommodate that in the longterm. And that’s OK! What matters is that your life works and that you feel valued. So do you?

      Personally, I eye roll anything that looks like “You’re the only one for me” or “I could never live without you” because it’s just not true. The best case scenario for any marriage is that the marriage will end when one spouse dies. And you know what the surviving spouse will do? Keep on living life, hopefully for a very long and very happy time. No one is incapable of living without their spouse, and it’s not some badge of honor to pretend like you are.

   7. Not all people gush like that. My DH loves but doesn’t show it on FB posts. Instead he brings me cookies. :-)

   8. Thanks for the comments so far. I’m normally an eye roller at the facebook gushing too, which is why my reaction to this surprised me.

      I guess that I don’t feel valued. And it sucks.

      1. You definitely need to read the love languages book. It can really help in exactly this situation.

      2. That does suck. I’m sorry.

         I went on a girls trip with a friend, and her husband was CONSTANTLY calling to get the most inane updates. (“We had fish tacos for lunch. They were really good!”) I was beginning to feel kind of bummed because my husband never called. But I was also annoyed by my friend who repeatedly told me it was “weird” that I never talked to my husband. (“Don’t you WANT to tell him how things are going?)

         When I returned home, I mentioned it to him and he told me that he was trying to stay off the phone with me so I could fully enjoy my time with my friends and be “present” in the trip, rather than hearing him deal with 2 crying kids in the background. By not calling me, he was trying to let me have a good time. It was love – it just wasn’t someone else’s version. It was our version.

         1. I love this.

   9. Sometimes I feel jealous when I see something like this, sometimes I don’t. When I feel insecure, when I let my negative self-talk get out of hand, this bothers me and I start asking for things that are out of character for him, and it doesn’t work and things feel worse. But when I feel solid in myself, I don’t compare, and I can remember all the private ways he proves his love. He says, “don’t worry, spend some time with tea and your journal, I’ve got this” when the baby is sick and not sleeping and he’s at his wits end but he knows I am too; he says, “I put onions in it but only a little and I cooked it a long time, I think you’ll like it”; he says to the baby “your mom is such a good mom”; he makes waffles; he moved somewhere that he didn’t particularly want to live because it’s great for my career; he pours my coffee into a travel mug and puts it in the car for me every morning; he says “hubba hubba” when I show him the new dress I bought for work; he buys plastic wine glasses so we can have a quiet drink together by the pool; etc.

      Do you have a list like this? If you do, focus on that, and don’t let comparison steal your joy.

      1. This is beautifully put, ChiLaw. It makes me happy just reading it.

6. I’m in need of comfortable rain and snow boots. I’m fine with getting separate boots for rain and snow but it also would be nice to get just one pair of boots that will work for both.

   I’m in DC so we don’t generally have crazy winters.

   I dislike really tall boots, and my calves tend to be narrow. I’d like something stylish but comfort is key too.

   Any suggestions?

   1. I usually wear my Hunters and add fleece socks inserts to make them warmer. They have horrible traction on ice though.

   2. LL Bean or Sorel duck boots come to mind for these uses in DC.

   3. Any of the Merrell waterproof boots should work for you. I have two pair and wear them on all but the worst days of winter (and my worst days of winter are much worse than you would get in an average year in DC). I think they are reasonably stylish, but I’m not sure everyone would agree. La Canadienne are also good, and would be sleeker, but also much more expensive.

   4. Learn from my mistake and don’t wear rubber boots in freezing temperatures or snow. The rubber on my Hunters cracked and split.

      1. Hunters (or any wellies) will crack in ultra cold temperatures and will slip on icy ground. Somehow the rubber on LLBean boots doesn’t crack or give and I have had my pair for 8 years now.

   5. the boots shown in this post?

      I use my hunters with fleece liners. I live in Chicago, so winters are rough. I like these more than all else I’ve tried.

      I also have 2 pair of the Sorel wedges for “going out” and stuff like that in the winter when I don’t want snow boots. They are super comfy and the actually have good traction.

   6. Blondo has a few leather stretchy back waterproof boots, and I have the thinnest calves ever and they are just a smidge loose on me, but otherwise perfect. Recommend. I wore mine to death last Winter (see puppy walking post above) and while I didn’t intentionally tromp through snowbanks in them, they were great for City commuting and the occasional wet puddle I stepped in accidentally. Splurge. Worth it.

7. Came across this article and it makes no sense to me:
   http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-09-20/make-six-figures-there-s-a-decent-chance-you-ve-got-almost-nothing-in-the-bank

   How can someone making over a 100K not have savings?
   Not trolling, truly flummoxed.
   I live in a VHCOL area and am just moving into the “6 figures” and this just doesnt make sense- i get not having a ton of money socked away, but under 20% of people making over 100K having over 10K in savings??? what am i missing??

   1. Student loans. Golden handcuffs.

      1. +1000 Most of those people got those jobs because they had an expensive education. And those jobs exist in HCOL areas. So student loans + rent + HCOL for essentials (food, commuting, work wardrobe for the fancy job) = little to nothing left over for savings.

      2. This.

      3. HAHAHA Yup. Oh the judgment!!

         Sure I was making just over $100k at the law firm, but I was also paying $1200 in student loans every month, paying off my credit card bill at $1500/mo, and saving for a down payment on a house (i.e., not a rainy day savings fund).

         After taxes and deductions, my monthly take home pay was $4800 (which yes, that is a lot of money, I get it). Subtract the $2700 for debt, $500/mo for house down payment savings, $700 rent (LCOL area), $300 for groceries, $80 for cell phone, $200 for utilities, $75 for car insurance and you’re left with $145 extra.

         1. But how did you get that $1500 a month credit card bill? That’s the problem, and exactly what the article is talking about. Without that bill, you’d have had $10k in savings in just about six months. Also you shouldn’t be trying to save for a down payment on a house until you have a sufficient rainy day savings fund. People have this obsession with home ownership but it’s not something you’re entitled to. It’s something you do when you’re ready for it and part of being ready for it is having your finances in order, including an emergency fund.

            I know you gave this example to justify how a six figure earner could have no savings, but it just highlights how the real problem is irresponsible spending, not the $1200/month student loans, which would be manageable on even a much smaller income.

            1. If you look at her expenses, there is nothing extra so that’s probably where the $1500 credit card bill comes from. When you work long hours, you have to outsource a lot so your expenses are necessarily higher. It’s not necessarily irresponsible spending – I think the point is that a six figure income is not necessarily what it used to be, especially in HCOL areas and where you don’t work 9-5.

            2. I mean.. CountC may have been unemployed for a long time. You literally have no idea. Sigh.

            3. Fine, but then the answer is “I earn six figures and have no savings because I was unemployed for two years,” which is not at all what was said. And unemployment or not, I stand by my comment that it’s crazy to put money in a house fund when you don’t have any kind of emergency fund. The recession was largely caused by our cultural obsession with home ownership and buying more house than you can afford, and this kind of thinking exemplifies it.

            4. ‘”Also you shouldn’t be trying to save for a down payment on a house until you have a sufficient rainy day savings fund.”

               Yeah wow it’s almost like she put that money into an account she can ONLY access to purchase a house and not if there’s an emergency. You know, like a Home 529. That’s a thing.

               What would we DO without all of these brilliant financial planners who like to hang out here to judge strangers?

            5. Maybe, but use those same numbers and make the student loan payment $2,000 a month and the rent $1500, and you’re in the same place more or less. Or worse.

            6. Worth noting that student loan debt is kind of being ignored here. That is a luxury in a lot of ways too – not really much different than a nice house.

            7. I started my first law job with credit card debt. Some of it was racked up in law school for living expenses (incl. travel to job interviews that didn’t pay for travel), but most of it was to support myself over my bar summer. I didn’t take a bar trip, either. My firm gave me a small stipend but it wasn’t enough for moving expenses, deposit on a new apartment, small wardrobe to get through the first few weeks at work and living expenses until I got my first paycheck.

            8. I got that credit card bill because prior to going to law school I worked FT jobs in a HCOL area that paid under $30k a year (sports industry) for three years after college. I didn’t have significant savings at that point because college and low paying job, so when I had unexpected medical expenses, I opened a card and paid them. The expensss grew and sat there through my low paying jobs and law school and by the time I graduated, I had about $12k in CC debt. I paid it off quickly with my large post-law school salary.

               And since you are going to judge, I have more than $10k in savings now, despite quitting the law firm job after two years for a variety of non-six fig jobs, and buying a house (mortgage is not much more than rent btw).

            9. Btw, I have no debt besides my loans and mortgage at this point but even on a lower salary, my loan payments total $800 a month.

   2. You live close to work b/c you are at work all the time. It is expensive. And you eat out b/c you work all the time. Also expensive. And you are business-casual, but in an expensive way. And you are in a high tax bracket (and pay alternative minimum tax). And loans. So you are a conduit for paying the tax man (30% fed, then for state and NYC city tax also), the loan man (3K/month), the landlord (HA!), and the nice people who feed you.

      Your walk-up apartment is so sketchy (to non-NYC people) that you don’t want your parents to see it (but it is close to work!). It costs more than their mortgage used to for the nicest house in your small town.

      You weep as you figure out that your cousin who went to State U and teaches third grade keeps more of what she earns and is less stressed out and genuinely happier than you are. Keeping the resume gods happy is often at your expense.

   3. People start upgrading their lifestyle – get their own apartment instead of living with roommates etc. And don’t focus on saving/paying off loans.

   4. I think that it’s pretty easy to eat up this kind of income with living costs and debt. I make just under 6 figures, but live in a very low cost of living area. We have enough extra coming in that we’re in good shape, but the majority of the extra is going to student loans, not savings (my company contributes a bit to my 401k, and we have some money there). When the loans are paid off (hopefully by mid-next year), we’ll shore up the savings and contribute more to retirement. I’ll admit that we could live more frugally, but we’re not anything like extravagant, either.

      When you add up mortgage or rent + a substantial loan payment + costs like day care, it’s really easy to get to the end of that amount of money. We don’t even have day care expenses; if we did on the current salary, we’d have to make some serious lifestyle changes just to keep even.

   5. “Boomers, who have had longest to save, blow other generations out of the water, with 23 percent having saved more than 10 grand. Just 8 percent of young millennials can say the same.”

      This is the problem with these articles.How do you pat boomers on the back for 1 in 5 having saved 10k over the course of their very long careers, but crap on millennials who are almost all 8 years or less into their careers for not having saved the same amount that Boomers have over 40+ years?!? If anything, that statistic tells me boomers have been terrible with their money while millennials have managed to make a lot of savings progress in short time.

   6. Most Americans are ridiculously irresponsible with money and buy what they think they’re entitled to have based on their income and they lifestyles of those around them and don’t moderate their spending based on what they can really, truly afford. Student loans aren’t an excuse once you’re more than a few years out of school, and even while you’re paying down your loans you should be building a sizeable (much more than $10k if you’re earning $100k) emergency fund.

      1. LOL

      2. This is not true at all. For all the reasons that people have posted above. Some loans are just crushing for people.

         1. They’re crushing because people don’t try to pay them off asap – they move out and get a studio instead of roommates or start saving to buy a house.

            Live like a student and pay off your loans. Then worry about buying a house etc.

            1. Disagree — I went to grad school in the recession with federal student loans. My interest rate was 8.5% on some of my loans, which made them crushing. I lived in the cheapest area of my HCOL area I could find without risking my personal safety (even so, lived in area with a lot of car break ins). With rent, utilities, commuting (I took public transportation), and loans I literally had no money each month. I didn’t eat out or go to bars or take vacations. The only thing that got me out of this was getting married! It will STILL be another 9 years until my loans are paid off because the first years of paying them almost all of the payment went to interest. I was in no way not “prioritizing” my loans.

            2. yeah, disagree. I feel like ive been paying my loans forever (its been 13 years), but I’ve got a 2.25% interest rate. I’m down to about $7k and could easily pay it off, but its 2.25%.

               Also, I have a husband who has large student loans too (he had more than me to begin and is now down to around $15k, I think).

               we make great money and have really good savings, but given the amount we make, it always seems like we should have more saved.

         2. Well, the student loans and also the fact they want to live what they perceive of the lifestyle of a $100k earner. If you live with roommates in Queens instead of a luxury one-bedroom in Manhattan, those loans will go a lot faster.

   7. You make $100k, and spend like you make $101K.

      You bought more house than you could afford, bought a new car, take expensive vacations, etc. It’s really easy to spend as much as you make, even when breaking into the 6 figures.

      1. Yes, this. It’s really easy to spend as much as you make even if you make $1 million a year. I know people who have earned $20 million in their lifetimes at least and have no savings to speak of. I also know people who have paid off $250k in loans on $35k a year in a HCOL area, all while building up a respectable savings account. It’s all about spending less than you make, which takes some discipline.

         1. Must have taken them quite some time – even if they put half of their pre-tax income to loans it would take over 14 years to pay off $250k.

            1. I don’t think taking 10-15 years to pay off loans is all that unusual, especially if you’re saving at the same time. It’s probably better to have a $50k loan balance and a $50k emergency fund rather than $0/$0, even though psychologically it might feel better to be debt free.

            2. Agree with your general point that self discipline is sadly lacking in most budgets but money management is a place where hyperbole tends to come out. While it’s not unusual to spend 10-15 years paying of loans. I just doubt that, without living exceptionally frugally in an extremely LCOL area it’s possible to pay off $250k loans within 10-15 years. The after tax income would probably be ~30k so it would take over 8 years even if you didn’t spend a dime: no rent, food, etc for 8 years.

   8. People don’t typically just magically start making $100k – life precedes that income level.

      I’m in that bucket. I came to make $120k very suddenly after years of making between $40k and $50k in a HCOL area. While my income is relatively high today, I am still paying off debts, student loans, and bad financial decisions I made in order to get by on my years on a lower salary. By the end of the year I’ll have more than $75k in savings because this is the first year I’m pace to save effectively 100% of my bonus, but it took a long while to get here.

   9. I see this a lot in people being foreclosed (foreclosure lawyer). Some people honestly just don’t have discipline not to spend everything they hVe. Total anecdata but in my observation it happens when someone who grew up without a lot of money comes into a high paying career. They generally pay all their bills and feel accomplished because maybe their parents couldn’t do that so they think they are doing really well. and then spend every penny of what’s left. Of course trouble happens the moment there’s an unexpected expenses or a layoff and it all goes downhill from there. so I’m not too surprised by the article.

      1. This. You would be shocked to see the bank statements or income/expense statements from people trying to modify mortgages to avoid foreclosure. Shopping regularly; eating out regularly (an no, not all at McDonalds so you can’t chalk it up to the dollar menu being cheaper – like lots of meals at fast casual places like Applebees for a family of 5, so $100+). All of them have comprehensive cable packages ($250+/month), large cell phone bills, car payments (easily $700+/month per car, because usually they had no so great credit, so are paying upwards of 10% interest rates). One borrower told me once he couldn’t respond to something because he was going to be out of the country in Cabo. Seriously. Lifestyle creep is real y’all.

      2. HCOL area dweller here and I think there is a lot to be said about understanding what you can afford. DH and I make over 400k/year, no debt, and due to an unexpected inheritance have over 1m in assets. Banks will approve us for a 5m home if we wanted it, but those mortgage payments sicken us. Banks shouldn’t be able to tell people they ‘can afford’ that because that mortgage payment comes in frighteningly high and don’t hedge for things like temporary job loss or future child care payments or partner unexpectedly dying (lesson learned from the unexpected inheritance). We sat down and crunched the numbers some 5 times because we couldn’t believe we could be approved for such an expensive home. I just think there is a lot at play here and an average person might not question what the bank tells them they can afford until it’s way, way too late.

      3. Huh, I’d say it was the opposite; most of the people I know with good incomes and serious money troubles come from (relatively) well-off families and have what I would consider a deeply skewed idea of what constitutes a necessity vs. a luxury. It’s not that people are stupid or careless; they just genuinely would feel it an insurmountable hardship to, say, live somewhere without a dishwasher or on-site laundry, or always buy clothes off the sales rack, or limit dinners out to a couple of times a year.

         I didn’t grow up poor, exactly, but my family didn’t really have any extra money, so even now that I make (for my area) a reasonable income, my approach to spending money is just calibrated to not having much at all. I save it up without even really meaning to.

   10. The question on the survey specifically asked about savings accounts. I wonder if that influences responses since people may have savings in other types of accounts. I would respons that I have less than 10k in a savings account. I have more than that in retirement or investment accounts which I wouldn’t include. I only keep part of my emergency fund in a savings account.

       1. +100

          You’re right about “savings”. I would say I have $18k in “savings” but I also have like $85k in retirement accounts (Also contributing to lower cash flow and lower “savings” balance over the years. I also have a mortgage and about $90k of equity in the home if I were to sell today. I know homes aren’t “liquid” like cash, but I know for sure in my HCOL area I could put it on the market and liquidate with a closing within probably 45 days given price point and BR/BA of my home. On the other hand, you have the boomers who bought way too much house in markets that are not in high demand and are under water. And I had student loans; my mom didn’t go to college…. so yea.

          Bottom line, these surveys are interesting but incomplete data sets. You cannot draw a reasonable conclusion or judgment about an entire generation from it. There is so.much.more.at.play. than the cash balance of your bank “savings” account.

          1. That’s a really good point about boomers and homes. Boomers accumulated debt that could be wiped away with a magic wand and little to no repercussions. Millennials have accumulated debt you have to die to get out of.

   11. I’m an attorney in a VHCOL area, making 6 figures and surrounded by people who make 6 figures.

       Over the years, various people have have dropped “hints” that they really do not have enough saved to: (1) put 10% down on a $1M condo after working in BigLaw for 10 years, (2) skip a paycheck, (3) contribute to a 401k while kids are in daycare, (4) skip a monthly draw without dipping into a HELOC, (4) put a down payment on a new car so they have to lease instead, (5) host a wedding without maxing out all their credit cards (and so have no available credit for reimbursable business travel expenses), (6) almost not been able to qualify for a mortgage because of a jewelry purchase.

       I think there is an impulse to “reward yourself” when making 6-figures and working long hours like buying nice clothes, buying a nice car, paying for services (e.g., housekeeper, gardener), going on luxury vacations, eating out more, having a SAHP. All of these things add up.

   12. $100k doesn’t have the buying power it used to. Boomers have had the benefit of saving because their $50k incomes had enough buying power to support a family of 4 and buy a house with a 15 year note. They were able to stay at the same job for 40+ years and earn vested stock options. They didn’t worry about being laid off every 3-5 years, going months without a job, having to buy medical insurance on their own. They got to retire without worrying about their kids’ college education because interest rates were low and student loans were readily available.

       The oldest millennials are 36? So they were 27 or 28 when the recession hit. The bulk of millenials are less than 5 years into their careers. Ugh, the rhetoric is baloney. Millennials are doing just fine. And they’ll be just fine. No thanks to depleted social security, unstable job markets, and predatory lending practices.

       1. I’m a boomer and it wasn’t as rosy as you think. Interest rates were most definitely NOT low: mortgages were 9-10% or more so house payments were about the same as they are now, even though prices were much much lower.

          Just sayin’.

          1. Interest rates were low when it was time for Boomers to send their kids to college. Which meant it made more “sense” for their kids to take out student loans than for Boomers to use their savings or retirement accounts to help fund college.

             1. Whatevs. If you would like to compete in the Oppression Olympics, knock yourself out.

                I used to enjoy doing it, too, when I was your age. ;)

   13. My combined costs for rent and daycare require me to make over $100k pretax even though my rent is well below market and my childcare costs could easily be double what I spend. I am fortunate that I have a job that still allows me to save even while paying these high fixed costs, but could easily see how a family in my area making $100k could have no savings.

       1. I agree. I live in NYC and have a coop apartement that I must pay the maintence on. It is VERY expensive, b/c we have alot of peeople working for the coop, plus the gym, pool and playground areas’ cost alot in taxes. Dad wanted me to join the board of director’s, but I told him I am to busy. But when I retire or get MARRIED, I will join. He said they need a smart lawyer like me to run things, and I agree, but I am to busy at work. Beside’s I do not think I would meet any eligeibel men working for the board. Dad wants me to get married quickly so he can stop doing all of my finances. FOOEY! I do NOT want to marry a schlub just b/c he can file my IRS return. DOUBEL FOOEY!

   14. Student loans, lifestyle inflation, caring for parents, childcare taking 25% of your paycheck. Also, the article kept referencing “savings accounts”. I don’t have that much in a savings account, because at this point in my life I do most of my savings in retirement accounts — it wasn’t clear to me that the survey accounted for retirement savings.

   15. The survey also doesn’t take into account how long the person has been earning at that income level. If I’m currently making $100k but for the previous year I was unemployed, there’s probably a reason I don’t have $10k in savings.

       Lies, d4mn lies, and statistics.

       1. +1 I’ve been making $100k+ for 3 years, while servicing large student loans, paying high costs of living and helping some family members financially as I am now the highest earner in my family. So, no, I don’t think it’s crazy that few millennials don’t have a $10k “rainy day” fund. These days feel rainy enough.

   16. This is my first year making $100K almost exactly. I have $60K in my 401K but not a damn dime in savings. This is because I pay $1600 per month in student loans and started at $40K when I started my career 6 years ago. I had a lot of consumer debt to pay off and that was the last two years. This next bonus will pay off my car, which is newer but not unreasonable $10K loan originally. After that, I will be able to accumulate enough in savings for an emergency account. I have a roommate. I very rarely buy new clothes or shoes, do my own nails, and rarely travel unless it’s with family or I am staying with friends for free. I don’t go out much except for dates and make my own food. Oh and the student loans aren’t even close to being paid off. I just started hitting principal on year 5 of paying them. So yeah, I am not getting a house anytime soon.

       1. Yesss I don’t think people understand how crushing interest can be on huge student loans.

   17. It’s insane to me and I think it’s due to lifestyle inflation more than loans. People want to stop living the student life the second they have a high income, but if they’d live like a student for just another year or two while earning a lot they could knock out those loans quickly and start saving aggressively. I have a household income of about $150k and we have over $100k in savings and also paid off close to $100k in loans. We live in a medium cost of living place and we’d certainly have less in the bank if we lived in a really HCOL city like NYC but I can’t imagine having less than $10k saved with our incomes. I don’t care how old I am or how much I make, if I was earning $100k and had no savings, I’d be eating ramen and living with roommates until I had build up a savings fund and/or made a big dent in my loans.

       1. THIS. Started in NYC biglaw when the starting pay was 125k, which seemed HUGE to me (with almost 6 figure loans) bc I was living the same lifestyle as I was in law school (and I’m in my 30s so this wasn’t THAT many yrs ago). Sure my apartment was expensive (but not luxury) but outside of that I kept costs down. Yet I was surprised the way my peers spent — we’d be out, they’d see some $400 shirt they were walking by, and boom they’d buy it. There were people living in luxury buildings etc. It adds up quick.

   18. Haven’t read the article so I can’t comment. Though I do find it interesting when my DC attorney friends — all 8 yrs out and all either private sector or private for at least 3-4 yrs and then fed govt — freak out every October in the last few yrs bc of a gov’t shutdown or a threat of a shutdown. You DO get paid eventually but it may be a few weeks late or a month late. These are the same people who also REALLY question whether they can afford to take a month or 2 off between jobs. I don’t say anything, but I don’t get it. None of these people have a wildly extravagant life. Most are in the suburbs in apartments or townhomes — not in luxury apartments in the city or in single family homes in suburbia. So — loans . . .?

       1. Meaning the govt ones freak out. Just meant to say that even those in gov’t did a private sector stint first so you’d think 1-2 pay periods wouldn’t be THAT big of a deal (esp when you DO ultimately get paid – it’s just delayed).

   19. I have noticed that in my low cost of living area most of the houses that get foreclosed on are near the very top of the price range (we’re talking mostly homes that are worth $400K+ in a place where the average home price is ~$150K). So, for the most part anyway, it’s not the person making minimum wage at McDonalds who is losing their house, it’s people who are wealthy for this area and upper middle class nationally who are buying homes they can’t afford and then losing them. I’ve always found that very interesting.

   20. This made me cry. I currently make low six figures. But I didn’t always. Here’s a list of examples as to why I do not currently have 10k on savings. I’m a single parent for what it’s worth.

       – Child has serious mental health issues that are more expensive than you can ever imagine and that are mostly not covered my insurance. This is honestly the biggest issue. I’ve spent five figures every year in health care costs not including child care.

       – because of child’s issue, typical child care hasn’t worked. Child care costs low four figures per month.

       – when I did have 10k saved finally, my roof unexpectedly need replaced. Trust me that this was not expected without me having to lay out the litany of facts that support this being the truth. I have owned my home for ten years. Every year I’ve had to spend more than the suggested maintenance amount to remedy all sorts of surprises including a need for a new plumbing system, all appliances broke the same week (really, all of them)
       – as an added bonus, I’m still paying loans back at 900 per month

       So life happens. You can’t control it. You can’t control health (although you can obviously take care of yourself and that costs money). You can’t control if you’re laid off. You can’t control if your car breaks at the same time you have an unexpexted expensive home repair. You can’t control it.

       I have a very high credit score. I pay my bills. But no, I don’t have 10k in savings. I fund my 401k and I do my best.

       1. Hang in there. You are amazing. You’re gonna make it.

          And can I say, I HATE money grubbing psychiatrists that don’t take insurance… because they can.

          Keep looking for docs that do, if you can…. Or possibly changing insurance plans if buying privately or on the marketplace makes more sense than your current insurance.

          1. Thank you… it’s so hard. I’ve made some changes and I dropped occupational therapy because I couldn’t get it covered. I switched some providers from uncovered to covered once availability opened.

             For some of the docs who don’t take our insurance, I evaluated a switch and literally today made the call to stay with the more costly specialist because it seemed like the right thing to do.

             Thanks for your post. It means a lot.

   21. Awhile ago, I posted a response to a question someone had about buying a house with their significant other. I suggested that the poster ahouldnt buy a house if she can’t afford the payment on her own because there’s a possibility that the relationship can end. Someone posted one of those “you not that’s not realistic, right?” responses. Well this is why. It’s very easy to get stuck with a mortgage with someone else and that someone else unexpectedly isn’t paying their half for any number of reasons.

   22. I always wonder the flip side. My husband and I both make decent salaries and we can’t figure out how people afford to live the more expensive part of town, drive brand new higher end cars, pay for daycare (on more than 1 kid), go on vacation, wear designer clothes, etc. We assume it is because we actually have a savings account and they don’t. Also, I did a mortgage calculation the other day and it said we could afford a monthly payment of 3x what our current one is. What???? No freaking way would I feel comfortable with that.

   23. As someone who lives in HCOL central (Silicon Valley) and makes 6 figures I can tell you it is hard to build up a savings especially if you’ve come from a family who could use help every once in a while.

       Rent for a 425 sq ft studio nearish to my office (which I share): ~ $3,500 after utilities my half is $1750
       *Just so you know this is fairly normal rent these days and I definitely do not live in the nicest apartment on the block.
       Monthly train pass: ~$190
       High Interest Student Loans: $1500
       Groceries: $300
       Lunch at work: $300
       Then health and rental insurance, a gym membership, and a flat bicycle tire and that’s about all she wrote after taxes.

       So I built out a camper van and quit paying rent…scrapped together a 10K savings in a few month… If you want to put a downpayment on a house in SV it takes some desperate measures.

8. If you were in-house as part of a GC operation at a small to mid-size co., do you think taking a high-level compliance job at a much larger organization would preclude you from going back to the legal side later on?

   1. Where are you in your career years-wise and how long have you been at the small to mid-size co.?

      Anec-data, I had a friend who spent 1 year in private practice at a small totally unknown firm, 2 years in compliance at a large org., 2 years back in private practice at a top firm in the city, and then moved in-house legal at a large company.

      But I think it largely depends on what your resume already looks like.

   2. I don’t think so — meaning, I think you could move back to Legal later on. In my company, Legal and Compliance have a lot of cross-over, and people move between.

   3. It would depend on the industry and whether compliance works closely with Legal or not. At my company, Compliance reports to the GC and there is a large overlap between that department and the Legal department. So I don’t think that move would hinder future lawyer jobs. Other companies, however, may have a larger division between the two.

9. So I was reading about the Brangelina divorce (RIP) and I noticed that for her kid’s birthplaces she listed “France,” “Vietnam,” etc…and then just “Africa.” Made me think about the discussions here about people lumping all the countries in Africa together as a single place.

   1. Yes.

      Even my 7 YO realizes that the only continent that is a country is Australia.

      [OTOH, I’m gladdish that Angelina may be the sort of client that does not exhaustively comment back on her divorce lawyers’ work.]

   2. I was the commentator that mentioned the tendency for ppl to limp all of the counties together as the monolith “Africa.” I havent personally seen coverage of the kids’ birth certificates, but this really rucks me off. It’s so easy to just list Namimbia or Ethiopia- it’s not like they don’t know the countries. I honestly view this as a microaggression and I am disappointed in both of them if this true.

   3. That’s weird. Is it possible that she doesn’t know the birthplace, given the oddities of the adoption? (I understand that they were adopting kids in some pretty bad circumstances, though I neither know nor really want to know the details.)

      1. It’s one of their bio kids (Shiloh) and I think they went there for the birth for privacy. I suppose maybe they want to keep the exact location private, although Wikipedia says it was Namibia so it seems like it’s already out there. They did put “Ethiopia” for another (adopted) kid, so maybe it was an intentional choice to be vague.

      2. It’s also strange because it’s not just adoption. One daughter (Zahara) was adopted from Ethiopia and another (Shiloh) was born in Namibia.

         And just realized I know WAY too much about Brange.

   4. Awww, Brangelina is divorcing? That’s one of the celebrity couples I thought was going to work (I mean, I guess they have been together a while, but still).

      1. tragic as it may be, there are, however, a lot of EXCELLENT Jennifer Aniston mems going around.

         https://www.buzzfeed.com/tanyachen/people-are-responding-to-angelina-and-brads-divorce-with-all?utm_term=.oixL46pMz#.hmPrD3XqQ

         1. Yesss! I love the “And that, my friend, is what they call closure” one. Although I suspect that Jennifer Aniston does not actually care one bit. I would take Justin Theroux over Brad Pitt any day of the week.

            1. Far and away the best one!

      2. #brangelexit :’ (

   5. This is completely anecdotal, but one of my parents was born in Africa and that’s what’s listed on my (American) birth certificate. I was born in 1993, too – not exactly long enough ago that that’s excusable.

10. My husband and I moved to Canada for his job and we plan on staying here long term (at least 10 years if not more). Schools here have cut off years, not dates. For example, our son was born in 2013. He will be four next year in 2017 and can start school in September when he is still three. School starts with junior kindergarten (the year kids turn age 4) followed by senior kindergarten (the year kids turn age 5) followed by grade (the year kids turn age 6) etc.

    Our son has a December birthday so he would be three when he starts school and would turn four during the year. I thought I could hold him back for a year and have him start junior kindergarten the following year, so he would be four when he started and would turn five during the year. Apparently this is not an option at any public or private schools around here. School here is not mandatory until grade one so I don’t have to send him to junior kindergarten, but if I choose to keep him out and start him a year late they will skip him past junior kindergarten and put him straight into senior kindergarten with the other kids who were born the same year as him. He can also skip senior kindergarten. He was born in 2013 and for him it’s not mandatory that he start school until September 2019, when he is five, turning six in December.

    This is a completely different system than what I am used to. My brother and cousin back in states have kids and so do my husband’s sisters. I asked them all about the school system when we were TTC and planned to hold my son back a year because of his December birthday. Now that I’ve found out things are different here I don’t even know how to make it work or what we are going to do. It’s not an individual school thing, they all do it this way, no exceptions. I don’t want my son to be the smallest and youngest in his grade but it looks like we have no choice.

    1. NYC is the same (you start school based on your birth year, no ‘redshirting’). I think it’s less of an issue since no one is allowed to bend the rules (so there will be lots of kids with Oct/Nov/Dec birthdays).

    2. You’re making way too big a deal out of this – I know a few months can make a difference when kids are small, but the older your son gets, the less those months are going to matter, not to mention the fact that he will be far from the only December baby in the school, since the rule applies to everyone. I deal with high school aged kids all the time, and I’ve yet to encounter one who was somehow permanently harmed by being youngest/smallest/December-birthday-ist. Unless he’s having developmental problems (which should be addressed through whatever the Canadian equivalent of an Individualized Education Plan would be), there’s no reason to expect he’s going to be at some sort of grave disadvantage because he’s on the younger end for his class year. (I mean, he will be if you make a big giant deal out of it and make him feel weird about being younger/smaller, but assuming you’re a good parent who isn’t going to do that, he’ll be fine.)

       Also, FWIW, while the youngest thing is obviously permanent, the “smallest” thing, long term, will ultimately have more to do with your son’s genetics than his age. My H is the equivalent of a red-shirted kid (late December birthday in a school district where the cut-off was December 1), but he was pretty much the smallest in his grade forever because he’s, well, a small person. By contrast, his half-brother with the August birthday (in a district with a Sept. 1 cut-off, so brother was “youngest” in his grade) was nearly six feet tall at 14.

       File this under the first of many, many, many things you will not be able to control about your son’s interactions with the world at large, and figure out how to help him navigate the transition to school instead of trying to delay it out of some misguided notion about his relative age/size.

    3. Canadian here. Born in October, spouse in November, kid 1 born in December, kid 2 born in November. lots and lots of kids are born in fall, something to do with Xmas, new year, cold winter gardening ;)

       I know it seems strange but unless your child had a significant health reason or delayed in their milestones, they will be fine. Also my kids are 4 years apart and I did think about planning kids as I didn’t want them 5 school years apart, I felt that was too much of a gap socially.

    4. You ever read the Malcolm Gladwell book about Canadian hockey players and their birthdates? Very interesting!

       Anyway, it’s no different from US system when you think about it, just a different set of rules. There can be benefits to being the oldest or the youngest in a class, too! I was always among the youngest in school (my parents didn’t want to worry about an extra year of childcare different from older siblings’ school, so they pushed me in early) and I was reading at a young age and generally always pushing myself to keep up academically and athletically.

    5. I’ll trade ya! I’ve got a November baby in the US in a town with a super strict 9/1 cutoff. I’m dying to send her the year she turns 6 (2017) and not the year she is 6 on 9/1 (2018). she’s ready *now* academically and almost there emotionally…and has 2 years to wait.

       My other one is an August b’day and is the youngest in her class. She does fine.

11. I’m in a difficult position, need advice. I’ll summarize as succinctly as possible.
    I’ve been in outside sales; offered a position in a better industry, but it’s a very complicated on, so I was made an offer matching my base salary but a title of ‘inside sales’ while I get ramped up on the very specific industry jargon and knowledge. I was told I could get my old title back probably within 3-6 months, or whenever I felt I had mastery of the concepts and was ready. Company then had unforeseen money troubles and two rounds of layoffs, but everything is back on track now. HOWEVER, the layoffs caused a reorg, and now the goal posts for my promotion have been moved back… maybe up to 6 months or more?!?!? AND I’m getting more micromanaged. Even though I’ve been performing well, even winning a company-wide pitch competition and taking on additional responsibilities (and doing well at them). They just want to keep me in the role longer because they’re not ready to backfill it yet, and because it’s a tough one to hire for, and also for some internal politics (my manager lost some of her direct reports, and if I get promoted then I won’t report to her anymore, either, so it’s in her best interest to delay my promotion).

    I need to approach this diplomatically. I don’t want to lose this job, but I’m feeling resentful and taken advantage of. I have some ideas on strategy, but I’d love to hear what everyone on here thinks.

    Right now I’m thinking of, as respectfully as possible, telling my direct manager 1) there has been a misalignment of what I was lead to expect based on what I was told when I accepted the position, and what is happening now; 2) I really like the company and want nothing more than to fix this misalignment so I can feel good about my place here; 3) Here is what I have accomplished so far, proving I am ready to move into the role I was expecting; 4) I would like the timeline to be for me to begin training for and taking on responsibilities of the new role, while still fulfilling expectations for current role, in Q4, with the goal of starting in the new role beginning of Q1; 5) I believe I can make more money for the company with this plan, and here is some information to back that up; 6) I am willing and enthusiastic about putting in more hours throughout Q4 in order to make sure both roles are being fulfilled

    Seems like a no-brainer, right?? And yet, I’m really nervous I’m going to get denied or stonewalled, and then I’ll be so depressed and unenthusiastic about the job I’ll have to quit, which will mess up my career. Please can anyone provide advice and/or a pep talk??

    1. Also, I KNOW a promise doesn’t count if I didn’t get it in writing, and they’re within their rights to keep me in this lower-ranking role, but it just seems like a silly and short sighted management strategy, and kicking myself for not getting a promise in writing isn’t going to help matters right now.

       1. Ask your employer for a definitive time line as to when they will move you to the role with the right title to the role, and ask you supervisor/HR if they are willing to put that in an email, if they are unwilling to fulfill these 2 request, then you know that they are Fu@&ing you over and you may want to reconsider your future at this organization.

    2. Is there a *real* difference in being inside v outside sales from a responsibility, access, income, benefits perspective? If yes, push back. If no, accept the delayed timeline, but make it clear that you want to start working today on moving in the direction of the promotion.

       1. Yes, there’s a huge difference, and at this point it’s a matter of pride. It’s entry-level vs mid-career. I accepted “entry level” as a temporary ramp up training period only. I’m happy to delay the timeline 3 more months as long as I’m actively training for it, NOT to tread water for 3 more months and then MAYBE start training.

    3. They are stringing you along. Something similar happened to me when I was working as a contractor in a tech company. Initially I was supposed to go perm in 3 mo., then bad quarter, reorgs, corporate politics ect., so hen the target date was shifted to 6 months.. then 9 months. When I finally dumped this employer, I felt like a fool for letting them lead me around by the nose for so long. So what if the company has had financial problems reorgs ect.?? They are not meeting your expectations, and you do not owe them your loyalty. Keep smiling at work while you hunt for another job.

12. For those of you who share finances with your significant other, do you have a separate savings account just for yourself that only you have access to? About how much do you keep in that?

    1. Nope, all our bank accounts are joint. Most of our savings are in retirement accounts that only have one name on them though (although we are each others beneficiaries, but that is easy to change).

       1. Ditto – our stuff is shared. If we were to get divorced, our savings accounts would be shared assets that needed to be divided anyway (this varies by state, though, if it’s a concern for you you should check the laws where you live).

    2. I got married last year, so my husband and I are slowly combining our finances (we started with shared investment and savings accounts; next step is combining our checking accounts). We’ve decided to keep our savings accounts from when we were single “separate”, meaning that my savings account from before we got married stays in my name and vice versa (we are each other’s beneficiaries on these accounts). However, we’ve both agreed that that money would become “shared” in the event of an emergency or financial hardship.

    3. We don’t. We (perhaps inadvisably) combined everything a few years into dating because it really made sense, and then we’ve each carried each other through periods of un/underemployment, so it’s all communal. Sometimes I wish I had “my own” but it wouldn’t be “my own” anyway, because that’s just not how we work.

    4. Each of us has a separate checking account (with POD to each other) that our mutually agreed upon “monthly allowance” gets transferred into. We set up these accounts to avoid nitpicking over how each of us spends money (my manicures vs. his trips to the local brewery, etc.) and for gift shopping for each other. I’d guess there’s rarely more than $1500 in either account.

       Otherwise, everything is joint and we pay for any joint expense, bill, travel, etc. out of those joint accounts.

    5. We have separate accounts with the exception of our house, one joint investment account, and one checking account through which we pay bills (that only ever has enough for that month’s bills) Everything except bonuses and equity stays separate. Those go into the shared investment account. For all practical purposes though, the money is shared- so in case of financial or other hardship as mentioned above. We’re married and don’t plan to change this arrangement.

    6. Yes, married 23 years but we keep our mad money there, maybe $500 each a month. We also each have a single credit card but we are each responsible for, for our hobbies etc. We pool everything else, including bonuses, and if there is outstanding amount on the single credit card, the bonuses will pay that…..we used to argue over tiny personal charged so we moved to this

       1. This is us with an additional 10 years of history.

    7. We have individual accounts for “fun” money. I don’t have his login info anywhere, but it isn’t a secret account or anything…I just don’t care what’s in it. We each get the same amount deposited into our Indiv Accts monthly. I’m 99.9% sure his password is the same as all his other PWs (mine is!) and I could get into it in case of emergency.

    8. We have a shared savings account that we use to pay the mortgage and other big joint expenses, and then we each have separate checking accounts, out of which we each manage our own cash flow (individual credit cards, etc.). I tend to keep about $20k in my separate checking account and then dump extra money into our investments or the joint savings account. This loosey goosey approach works largely because we have high cash flow (so we don’t have to carefully parse out what’s a joint expense), but we also each like managing our own accounts, so it wouldn’t work to have all our money joint with one person handling cash management. We’re both also good at money management as a general matter, so there’s no concern about what the other person is doing in their solo account.

13. Please help. I have to go to a work event in Miami in late September. No idea what to where. Men wearing gray pants/shirt/no tie/sport coat outfits. I am super pale, most of my wardrobe consists of black, navy and dark purple dresses or skirt suits. I feel like everyone is going to be wearing bright colors and no sleeves. I hate going sleeveless because I’m self conscious of my arms. But, I dont want to stick out in a long sleeved black dress either. If it matters, I am 5’4″, 145 lbs, carry weight in my upper body.

    Here are my options (but open to suggestions, I have access to major stores, nordstrom, bloomingdales, brooks borthers, etc.)

    1. DVF wrap dress (but they do nothing for my figure)
    2. Black long sleeve MM La Fleur dress that I love and that looks good (but I fear would be terribly misplaced)
    3. Black classiques entier ponte elbow sleeve dress
    4. Theory Sheath plus suit jacket (gray or navy)

    1. I had totally this exact same question for a trial in May. For the trial, it ended up being completely appropriate to wear my normal dark color suits. For casual wear, I work sleeves. I’d dress for the season, not for anticipated Miami weather. The air conditioning is intense.

    2. How would you feel about getting some jewel toned tops with elbow length sleeves? Maybe brightened up with some jewelry? That’s what I would do probably.

    3. The dark colored dresses are fine, bring a bright scarf or jewelry if you want some color. A sheath with a cardigan/jacket always works with AC and outdoor weather and you won’t look as out of place as you think you will. Bring a lighter colored bag and shoes, and dont wear heavy make up.

    4. 2.

14. I could definitely use some advice from some strong females. I am looking to change careers and just got offered a position to do so. They lowballed my salary offer tremendously. I followed up with them and asked if I could come in and meet the people I would be working with. I am at the stage in my career where I don’t want to waste time on a bad fit. Can you give me some tips for negotiating the salary while I’m there? I have all the required experience, plus advanced degree and additional experience. I also know the market range is about $30k over their offer. It seems we are very far apart, but the extra $30k is within the range they told me when I interviewed.

    1. Ask them how compensation is determined in the org, including how salary bands are defined for positions, what the promotion/performance review cycle is like, and if there are any compensation bonuses. I think you can be pretty straightforward about discussing these things – if the hiring manager is not able to discuss, it would turn me off.

    2. Start the conversation by stating that “while I do not believe compensation is the only sole/most important data point in my search for a new position, it is an issue”. If you are lateraling in from a different field, I can understand why you may not be considered worth paying at the top of the salary range (more training time to get up to speed ect). However if you guys are off $30k, you might be able to get at least another 15K out of them by pointing out what knowledge, contacts and experience you bring from your previous field that would be of use to this company (ie are they trying to launch a product, enter a market, deal with a certain type of customer that your previous job has provided you a background in?)

       1. This is a brand new position for them. The job description is basically just above entry level. When I interviewed with them, they were very excited because I had much more experience than they were looking for and would be able to do all the legal drafting and attorney work on top of the regular job duties, plus I have the inside lane to their most wanted contacts. I would be ok with the offer if it was for the position I originally applied for since it would get my foot in the door. However, since I’m expected to use my advanced degree and basically do two jobs in one, I feel like I should be compensated justly. I have two males colleagues who have the exact same level of experience and education as me with the job responsibilities they want me to perform (again, more than the original job listing) who make what I consider to be market. Do you think we are just too far apart on the salary? I would need to get them up $15k to match what I currently make.

          1. This totally depends on the numbers and the company. If you are offered $50k at a small company, then 80k might be too far apart. Offered $150 but market is 180? Different story. When I hire, it’s generally for positions in the 100k range, +/- $10k. I could find money to go higher for the right candidate, and have offered lower to a promising, but underqualified, candidate.

             Also find out about bonus comp. I’ve had (non sales) roles with anywhere from 0-30% bonus targets. Also find out if those bonuses are paid out…

             1. Should I lead with: 1) Market comps 2) based on my current salary, or 3) my extra qualifications? The market comps are out of the stated range, but I feel like they help justify the higher salary. I definitely plan on asking about bonus opportunities. My main concern with meeting with them is making sure it is a good fit, so I will only get to salary if I feel comfortable with the answers they give to other questions. I just don’t want to move backwards salary-wise, and it would be fabulous to actually advance my salary if it’s a good fit. I only want to move if it is the right opportunity. It is definitely in the field I want to pursue, but I do not want to waste time with a bad fit and be miserable. I think it could be fabulous to get my foot in the door, but if it isn’t a good fit, it could hurt my career goals worse than waiting it out.

15. Shoe care question. I have a pair of leather boots that I wore just about everyday throughout last winter. I didn’t get them waterproofed then, but is it too late to do so now? I’d like to do it before it starts to get boot weather again so they’re set for the season.

    Also, for anyone looking for a wide calf knee high boot, these are Jennings by Naturalizer and I LOVE them. I must have wider than average calves because it took me forever to find a pair of wide calf boots that was actually wide enough.

    TIA!

    1. No!

       First, I would wipe any dried or lose dirt off with a damp cloth. Then I deep clean with Mr Leather, which gives a little shine and protection. Then I use Mink oil to condition and give a better layer of protection. If needed, I polish them. Then I brush and buff.

16. Shout out to the ladies who liked the white Eva Longoria dress from the Limited. I went and tried it on for a fancy awards dinner I must attend, and it was perfect! Seems much more high end than the rest of the collection. Thank you Corporette! I’m about 20 pounds overweight and curvy, and this dress is very figure flattering and appropriate.

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