This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Workwear sales of note for 3.22.23:
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off full-price pants and shirts; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Athleta – 20% off shorts, swim, linen & more
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 15% off purchase
- Boden – Up to 50% off
- Brooks Brothers – Clearance styles to 70% off. Some pretty serious markdowns!
- Express – Extra 40% off clearance for up to 60% off
- J.Crew – 25% off your purchase; up to 50% off special-occasion styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 15% off 3 styles; extra 20% off 4 styles; extra 50% off clearance
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price dresses, skirts, accessories & shoes
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
- What are your favorite parts of a typical day?
- At what point in your life (age, income level, whatever) were you able to take an annual vacation?
- What shoes can I keep at the office to go for mid-day walks (that go with everything)?
- How do you release stress or trauma that’s stored in the body?
- What are the best “networking for women events” you’ve ever been to?
- I feel like we’re burning through any savings we acquire…
- I hate my job and make 30% of what DH makes – should I quit?
- What do you keep in your office?
I have been attending my first trial this week as a legal assistant. It has been a great experience but I am so exhausted from just being “on” the whole time. I’m probably overly concerned with my appearance, no slouching, making sure the expression on my face makes sense, etc. also paying close attention so that if my assistance is needed, I know what’s going on. In that way it’s like a 12 hour stage play with undetermined intermissions that I could get quizzed over at any point.
how do you all make it through a trial without collapsing into a pile of moosh every night? Is the adrenaline enough to make it through?
As an associate who has prepped for trial many times and been to trial several times at a firm that routinely tries 1-2 week cases…it’s totally exhausting… 1) adrenaline, 2) knowing your client’s interests/millions of dollars are on the line 3) knowing your reputation as an attorney is on the line (an attorney’s ego is a powerful motivator), 4) prescription stimulants (yours and/or someone else’s), potentially, 5) trying to eat as well as possible up until and during trial and getting a bit of exercise, 6) on some level enjoying it, 7) practice. And hey, at least you don’t have to work another 5-6 hours after the 12 hour day! Ultimately collapsing into a pile of moosh is unavoidable, all you can really do is work to ensure peak performance during. You’re probably not actually overly concerned with appearance/paying attention- it is critical to be on all the time. That’s why it’s tough, but don’t slack, because that’s truly what’s needed. Enjoy and good luck!
Yay! Frugal Friday’s! I LOVE Frugal Friday’s and this $41 Nordstrom’s Pullover Blouse! I can wear this into the office on Friday’s and I love that it is a V-neck that does NOT dip down too far. We as professionals should not endorse or validate men’s tendencies to “peek a boo” with our boobies. FOOEY on them for trying (and our accountant, Frank, is a major offender!)
Anyway, as for the OP, do NOT worry. You are doing your job by being attentive, and getting exhibit’s when the attorney’s you work for need them. You also want to make sure you pay attention to the judge, b/c sometimes you will be the person to approach the bench with an exhibit when your attorney must stay behind the lectern. When I am in court, the Judge usueally wants me to approach the bench but other judges want the bailiff or an assistant to bring him/her exhibits or other documents to review and rule on in limine.
You are also doing things right by making sure you appear alert (and well groomed). The last thing you and your firm needs is for you to be photoed coming out of the court with a bad expression on your face, and then find that picture in the NY Post the next morning! DOUBEL FOOEY! Fortunately for me, no one in the media is interested in WC cases, though your specific caseloads may and merit news media coverage and pubic attention. So continue doing what you are doing and it will get easier. Besides, if you look good, you can readily find a guy to become interested in you and if your young and lucky, by this time next year, we can all celebrate your new status as “engaged” to a decent guy!!! We are all pulling for you success in the HIVE! YAY!!!!!
Lots of caffeine! I had my first trial as a lawyer in September and it was totally exhausting. I just tried to get as much sleep as I could and accept that the minute I got home I would collapse into a pile and not be able to speak coherently. The weekend after the trial I literally slept 10 hours each night and napped for a couple of hours during the day. I think you just have to push through and have something to look forwad to as a reward at the end
No one cares about you this much! You can slouch a little. You can move your face. Trials are exciting and there is a lot of presentation involved but it’s not TV.
This is not true. Post-trial juries comment on (especially women) attorneys’ appearance all.the.time. (One of my friends who worked as a public defender would get comments in the same week about simultaneously looking ‘too frumpy’ ‘too s3xy’ and ‘too b!tchy’ and the trial lasted 3 days.)
Yes, but OP clearly says she is a legal assistant who will likely be sitting in the audience, mostly ignored by the jury, if any jury will even be present.
She may be near counsel table and jurors may see counsel interact with her. If so, she should keep up appearances.
Yeah I was in a pretty obvious visual spot when they enter the room. I’m also a silly midwestern person who has trouble keeping my expression neutral.
Agreed with the other responses. I always feel like I’ve been hit by a bus after a 2 week trial, and don’t move from my couch for at least a full day afterwards.
Caffeine – I usually alternate coffee and tea, as too much coffee upsets my stomach (which is already a mess from the nerves).
Adrenaline- so much this. I love trials and find them exciting, but they also come with exhaustion, sleep deprivation, eating terribly and not exercising, and lots of stress. Try to focus on the good parts, and that the bad parts will be over in X days.
Try to get outside for even just a little while. I try to get in a 15min walk in the morning and if possible in the evening, just to clear my head.
What do you look forward to in the winter? The things I really enjoy doing (swimming, running, actual gardening, etc.) all involve being outside in nice weather so I end up really struggling with winter every year. Help me get excited about winter!
Drinking red wine and dark liquors.
Oh, wait, probably not what you were going for. But that’s how I do winter.
Being cozy on the couch, being cozy in the bed, noodles, soups, chili, hot chocolate, snow, it not being 90 degrees when I get into my car, coats!! I love coats, boots, photography in the fall, red wine, the way fall and winter smell, the way the light looks in the mornings, riding horses when it’s not 90 degrees out, running when it’s not 90 degrees out, running when it’s raining and gross so there’s no one to watch me struggle, Christmas (my favorite holiday), Christmas decorations, Christmas trees, Christmas cookies, Christmas lights, eggnog.
‘running when it’s raining and gross so there’s no one to watch me struggle’ – haha! thanks for the chuckle. Not OP and I also love running, but…it’s too slushy and windy where I am right now. Otherwise, I enjoy running in most other conditions.
I’m taking my son to see the Nutcracker this year. He’s finally old enough for it (4), and it’s a matinee performance by a local dance school, not the Big City Ballet Theater performance where tickets are $80 a pop, so if he has a meltdown and we need to leave, it’ll be fine.
Ooh please report back on how this goes! My kiddo is almost 4 and is in a performance of the nutcracker (as in, she’s in the group of cute babies that will be herded onto the stage to do a dance and then herded off so the actual ballet students can resume the performance — so excited! it’s gonna be so cute!) and I’ve been scheming about taking her to watch a performance, but I don’t know if she can handle the sitting.
We took our daughter to a professional production of the Nutcracker at exactly that age and it was fantastic. She was absolutely entranced and sat through the entire thing without a peep. If your daughter doesn’t have experience sitting still in a theatre for two hours, you could try taking her to a movie first to see how she’ll do, but in general I say go for it!
I actually enjoy running in the winter more than running in the summer, as long as it’s not sleeting or raining: there’s something about a crisp early-morning weekend run, and I’ve had some really gorgeous ones out in the country after a light snowfall. As long as you have the right gear, there’s no reason why you can’t keep running through the winter.
Other things I love about winter: cozy blankets, cashmere sweaters, mulled wine, spending time with my family, heart soups, Christmas lights, eggnog, feeling zero guilt about staying cuddled on the couch with my SO, dog, and a nice book.
+1,000 to your first paragraph. I HATE running in the heat and humidity of the summer.
mmmh, heart soups.
Skiing. Hiking in snow. I want to try biathlon. Cozy movie nights at home. Sitting in nature when it’s white and quiet everywhere. Roughhousing with my husband in deep snow like kids. I freaking love winter.
I also would love to try biathlon, but there’s definitely no biathlon anywhere near me. Maybe there’s an adult biathlon camp somewhere!
You can still do those things you enjoy if you’re creative – join a gym with an indoor pool, plan a bunch of paperwhites and amaryllis, etc. But as a former non winter person, what helps me is going somewhere warm for a few days in Jan/Feb. I can look forward to being warm beforehand and feel like I defrosted and there’s not much winter left after.
I also recommend just leaning into winter. Get a fun winter hat and boots, decorate for all the holidays, drink mulled wine and apple cider, spend a day at a bathhouse, cook soups, go ice skating, make a tradition of seeing the nutcracker.
Do you have the right gear for being comfortable outside in the winter? It really helped me to buy the boots, wool socks, down coat, neck gaiters, hats, etc…. Then I discovered that being outside when it’s cold could be a lot of fun.
Why can’t you run in winter? Tons of people do.
What kind of winter do you have? My winters are bright and sunny, and relatively mild. We get cold weather, but it’s mostly just brown and sunny, so being outside is not a big deal. Are you winters dark, gloomy, and snowy? if so, you might need to work on getting outside on days when there is sunshine, or get those special lamps that replicate sunshine.
This was the surprise nugget from the original cast recording of Frozen (the Broadway musical, not the movie).
My kid walks around singing the chorus (basically “Hygge” repeated about a bazillion times) and it cracks me up every time.
OP – I feel ya and I live in a place with a mild winter. I just hate that it gets dark so early!
Skiing! Christmas! Going for wintry walks (my favorite)! Allllll the baking. Pretty smelling candles. Not having to worry about bugs for a while. Hot chocolate and tea and cider and mulled wine and regular wine. Getting cozy in my favorite chair and reading while the snow falls. Stew and soup and chili and casseroles and bread.
I love cold weather activities, and while I prefer to cross-country ski, there’s a ton of people in my cold-weather place who run in winter with the right gear and yaktrax. I also curl, one of my friends is in a broom ball league. I go to the gym several times a week, do classes I give up in the summer when I’m golfing (barre, strength, spin, more yoga) and hang out in the sauna there. I have a grow light and enjoy planning my (real) garden and growing seedlings.
Do you have an indoor creative hobby? I am learning embroidery (can be done on the sofa in front of Crazy Ex Girlfriend!) and I’m getting pretty decent at sewing (while listening to podcasts).
This is a great question. My sister and I are on opposite ends of this. I don’t love winter, especially when we’re getting into February and March and it seems endless, but I try to embrace the fun things about it. She loathes it and complains a lot, which I think makes it so much worse!
Things that help me:
*Investing in lotions with a favorite scent so applying it is a pleasure
*Picking a hearty new recipe each week to make, lots of soups, chilis, breads, and other baked treats
*Buying a couple of warm new sweaters that I love wearing
*Wearing loungewear that I’m actually excited to wear, since I will be spending a lot more time indoors
*Lighting candles when I’m in for the evening
*Making fun new tea drinks. My latest concoction is TJ’s chai with vanilla almond milk and a splash of real maple syrup. SO GOOD.
*Entertaining at home more often. The party comes to you! You don’t have to leave your house! And it makes your place feel so cozy and warm to host friends.
And what everyone else said about just embracing the gear is so true. It’s not fun to look cute and feel miserable. Just go for the giant puffer, the long underwear, the big scarf.
I enjoy winter a lot more now that I have a sport to get involved with — skiing in my case. We went last year with the kids and had so much fun that we ended up going two more times.
Being able to do all my favorite outdoor activities without swarms of other people around. Ok, not swimming and probably not gardening, but i think the rest of them. I’m also a way better runner in the cold than the heat. I actually stop running except a mile or two each summer b/c it’s so insanely miserable.
Mary Ann Singleton
Ice climbing, skiing, snow shoeing.
And lots of hygge in front of the fireplace.
Bring on winter!
What styles are people wearing for winter coats this year? Are the knee-length black puffy coats out of style this year? What’s the alternative for a waterproof, warm coat?
I have a new knee length white GOOSE down coat from Canada Goose. I do not think it is completely waterproof, but it is coated with something. The manageing partner wanted me to get a FIREENGINE RED coat, but I could not find one that I liked that was warm, b/c I must walk every day 10,000+ steps. You could if you want get a similar Northface coat, but Dad says you do not want to wear their label on your back, which is kind of like a tattoo, which I would not like. Good luck, and enjoy your new coat, once you get it! YAY!!!
I’ve made it 7 years in Scotland with just a wool coat and thought this was the year I’d outfit myself properly but I’ve been on a fruitless hunt for a waterproof warm coat that doesn’t make me look like a marshmallow!
My Patagonia three-in-one is warm, waterproof, and not at all marshmallowy.
Barbour! They have an outlet shop in Livingston which is great.
It just depends on location and the and the weather du jour: in Minnesota, I wear my J.Crew cocoon coat when I want to look a little nicer and if it’s over say 15-20 degrees. All bets are off if it’s windy and very cold – I have an Eddie Bauer parka that keeps me toasty and isn’t horribly unflattering. If you’re in a place that’s very cold, I think you should embrace a little puff – it’s basically the trapped air in the fill that’s keeping you warm.
+1 – my knee length puffy coats are for when it’s Freezing Too Cold, at which point trendy goes out the window.
I keep wanting a tailored wool coat, and have tried on a bunch this year – but ultimately I end up rejecting them because my hooded puffers are so much warmer and more practical. My everyday puffer is above knee length and has a tie at the waist so I look a little less marshmellow-esque in it. But for the coldest days I pull out my extra long giant puffer and lean into the sleeping-bag-as-outerwear style.
If you live in a place with true winter, no, they’re never out of style! I have a wool coat that I wear for work a few times a week (when I have to), but oh man, I loathe it compared to my puffers. So constricting. So itchy.
I literally just bought a shin-length Tommy Hillfiger down alternative parka that is essentially a comforter with sleeves. My LLBean Winter Warmer Coat was not that warm. Bring on the lake effect snow!
I have a meeting in Boston on Monday. I will be wearing either a sleeved sheath dress or a tweed sleeveless sheath plus jardigan. Footwear and hosiery options are:
Nude hose and pumps
Black tights and black booties
Black tights and black suede Aquatalia boots
I will only be walking a couple of blocks and can bring snow boots, so I am not too concerned about being cold if I wear pumps. Which of the above options will blend in best with what other women are wearing? Demographic is legal system but not private firm, pretty senior.
I’m in NYC but black tights and either of the options would work here.
I’d go with option two or three for footwear, but I’m wearing all three looks still… except for today while we have this slushy grossness on the ground. Today it’s very wet and there’s slush on the ground with big puddles but given the forecast this will be gone by tomorrow. Monday they’re forecasting a “frozen mix” at 40%. That could mean anything and is frankly too far out to know what that actually ends up being. Either way, full on snow boots are definitely not needed unless they’re forecasting 4 or more inches on Monday, which doesn’t seem to be the case (and is not typical for this time of year).
2 or 3. Make sure whatever you wear is waterproof. Even if its not actively snowing/raining, there will likely be puddles to navigate.
Option 2 or 3.
Okay, I know this is the place to come for unvarnished opinions, so hopefully this is a nice, light one for Friday morning: how much will I get judged if I serve Kirkland brand wine at my wedding?
I’m sure some snobs will judge you, but who cares? Anyone who looks at the wine label critically is someone you don’t need to concern yourself with. Buy the Kirkland wine without a second thought.
+1. I’m just glad the wedding isn’t dry.
Ha, with our crowd a dry wedding would result in a 120-person riot.
(Well, maybe 112 to account for the 8 Baptist aunts and uncles who drink, just not in public, so they can judge everyone who drinks in public.)
My motto is “I trust the Kirkland buyers.” Costco’s wine buyer has had a lot of favorable press, including this video from a few years back: https://www.cnbc.com/video/2012/04/17/the-buyer-behind-costcos-billion-dollar-wine-business.html
I have had Kirkland brand champagne and been pleased with it.
What do you usually serve or have?
If Silver Oak, the claws will be out for you.
If two-buck-chuck, you’re probably safe.
This. Depends on if it is consistent with your typical consumption/taste vs. looking like a money grab.
My mom and I both use Kirkland pinot grigio as our summer house wine, so anyone who has socialized in either of our houses knows we wouldn’t be serving anything we don’t drink ourselves.
As long as wine can clear a basic hurdle of drinkability, neither my fiance or I are wine snobs. That said, one of my friends had a two buck chuck-equivalent wine at her wedding a few years ago, and since it was basically undrinkable I was not a happy camper. (And the beer option was Bud Lite.) Just trying to avoid a repeat…
I would never even think to look at the label unless it was undrinkable or super amazing. I’ve never had super amazing wine at a wedding (good, yes, but nothing I felt the need to seek out later) and I’ve only had terrible wine once (white zin that was being passed off as rose).
Worry about yourself
Ohhh, this is a good point, but I think there can be a difference between the 1-2 bottles you buy for small get-togethers and the howevermany bottles you buy for your wedding, which is probably going to be bigger than your usual party.
Not at all, in my circles at least.
Cool, thank you!
People familiar with Costco know that Kirkland brands are generally made from high quality manufacturers (ex. Kirkland vodka is produced by Grey Goose), so personally I wouldn’t judge you at all for this. I’m sure a true wine snob would, but they would likely judge you for serving most wines.
Ha, true. Ain’t no snob like a wine snob.
Your wedding is about you and your priorities. Spend what you want, and have a good time!
Ha, if only it were that easy…and we both have reasonable, low-key families. I really don’t know how people with more family drama get through this.
Ugh totally right in the thick of it with you. Nothing has made me feel as sh*t t y about myself as planning a wedding. Even sane, practical families have oddities that arise around weddings.
Is this on the scale of the rest of your wedding? If you’re wearing a 10k dress and have elaborate floral center pieces, I might be mildly annoyed that you put the available money elsewhere but if the whole wedding is nice but not over the top, I’d happily drink some kirkland wine.
We’re going more for relaxed-day-in-the-country than Kardashian extravaganza. The food will probably be the fanciest part of the wedding, but even so it’s more like upgraded basics, not all caviar everything.
I’m the kind of person with barolo and good cab in the cellar, but I would never judge anyone for hosted wedding wine, unless it was Franzia or plain undrinkable. Kirkland liquors tend to be my go-to choice for batch party drinks, so I can’t imagine the wine isn’t fine. If you’re not sure, buy bottles of what you’ll be serving and do a little taste-test. Try it like your wedding guests will get it – freshly opened bottle with no decant and no aeration.
Thanks, that’s good to hear. We drink Kirkland white wine all summer, but we do need to experiment more with the reds before we commit to something.
My favorite everyday red that’s also available at Costco is Trapiche Malbec and it’s around $5-6/bottle when on sale, which it often is this time of year.
Fine with me.
In my circle which can simultaneously be snobby and admire frugality, this would be a win, because Kirkland is well known for being a budget wine that is actually of a good quality and tasty. Go for it! Anyone who recognizes the brand is going to be a Costco fan and pro-bulk money savings anyway.
Ha, this is totally me. Just trying to make sure my obsession with all things Costco wasn’t clouding my vision.
Also Costco obsessed and I would be tickled and delighted to see a Costco wine wedding!
I have been to plenty of very nice weddings, and none has ever served fancy wine. If your choice is even moderately drinkable you are ahead of the game.
Cool. It will definitely be drinkable (at least to me?), because I do not f*ck with undrinkable wine and we want a nice party where our guests can enjoy themselves.
Is it Friday yet?
+1 I have also been to many very fancy and expensive weddings, and the wine choices are universally bleh. The only wedding I’ve been to with properly good wine had a total of maybe 20 guests (only very close friends and immediate family) and was a five course menu with pairings at a Michelin starred restaurant, but that was a major outlier.
I am a major wine snob, but I am aware that I am going to weddings to celebrate friends/family, not for wine tasting. I also don’t serve expensive stuff when I have parties – I save that for people I know will appreciate it!
Is it good? Idk how judgy your people are, I just want to drink decent tasting wine.
I mean, it clears my personal bar for good. But I’m admittedly not a wine snob.
Those same people that judge you for serving Kirkland are the same ones that will judge you for how lavish your wedding is and that it was unnecessarily expensive. Judgy people will judge, get your delicious wine at a good price and care not what they think.
Wine only matters for the first glass. After that it’s a race to get to “dancing” level. Kirkland is a solid workhorse of a wine that shouldn’t raise a single eyebrow. If someone questions, kick em the eff out. Happy Wedding!
We served it at the rehearsal dinner. The venue provided alcohol for the wedding or we would’ve served it there too. At the time they had a quite nice red from New Zealand for 7 bucks a bottle, which we thought was a steal. The only “problem” I have with them is that they rotate their stock so frequently, you’ll have to buy and try close to the event to make sure you get something good. We’ve also had some … mistake bottles that were Kirkland branded.
DH and I are wine snobs. DH is actually a sommelier. We like some of the Kirkland-brand wines, and so do several of our wine-industry friends. So, if you served Kirkland brand wine at your wedding, we’d think you were smart to pick something that tastes good and doesn’t cost a fortune and isn’t falling for dumb labels and big name brands.
Oooh, do you have specific recs for your preferred Kirkland-brand wines? For both personal and wedding use :)
I’m the [email protected]:38. My frustration with Kirkland wines is that they have different ones in stock every time we go to Costco. IIRC, we’ve liked a Malbec, a Rioja, and the Paulliac Bourdeaux, and we thought a Willamette Valley pinot noir was OK and good for the price.
Fun tip–even the Kirkland brand wines have to follow any appellation standards (AVA in the US, DOC/DOCG in Italy, AOC/AOP in France, DOP in Spain). So, chances are good that Kirkland brand Chianti Classico will taste pretty similar to every other Chianti Classico you’ve had. Same with Rioja, Paulliac Bourdeaux, etc. The wines may not be great or distinct or age-worthy, but they’ll probably be pretty consistent with other wines of the same appellation because the standards are strict. Conversely, it’s fun to see what the $8 California cabernet tastes like, but US wine laws are generally more flexible, unless the wine is from an AVA–for example, only 75% of the wine in “California cabernet” has to be cabernet under US/California law. Same goes for some wines in Italy and Spain that are made outside the appellation system. That doesn’t mean they’re bad, at all, but that it’s going to be more hit or miss generally. Obviously, this doesn’t just apply to Kirkland brand wines.
Thanks so much! My SO really likes Malbecs and I’m a fan of Riojas, so it’s good to hear that those were solid options for you. I usually find reds to be more hit or miss overall, so it’s a good idea to screen for the appellation standards. Hadn’t even thought of that. #notawinesnob
Outside of “I have to buy many cases of something for my wedding”, I’d love to hear more about your and his top affordable-to-midrange picks! I stress too much about finding the perfect crowd-pleaser bottles to pull for, say, the group of 20 I’m hosting in a few weeks.
[email protected]:38 again. Not surprisingly, DH does most of the wine buying. Surprisingly, we also don’t drink that much wine. When we do buy wine, our approaches are to (1) check the clearance basket at our local grocery store and buy out anything that DH likes that’s a good price, (2) walk through Costco and grab things that we want to try, and (3) order online from a store where DH was the primary buyer for couple of years, and they reorder what he brought in. On the rare occasion I’m buying without DH, I ask the sales reps at the store, who are all friendly acquaintances.
My best tips are to (a) find appellations you like, (b) for international wines, find an importer you like, and (c) become friendly acquaintances with your local wine shop salespeople. Also, I don’t want to be too negative, but beware of case stacks and staff picks–they’re typically used to clear out or sell a certain volume for a certain distributor (either to get discounts or access to a coveted product sold in limited quantities).
In your case, I’d just walk into my local wine store and tell the salesperson, “I’m hosting a group of 20 people next week. I’d like a case of wine, three varietals that will please a crowd, and my total budget is $X.”
This. I am a pretty big wine snob/have taken a lot of wine classes and have been told by MWs I have a good palate in blind tastings. Costco is known for having some of the best wine buyers in the country, and it is the largest wine buyer in the country. They have great wines.
Also, I am in love with a ~$11 brut rose cremante de Loire (rose sparkler) they’ve had lately. It’s outstanding for the price. It’s not Costco brand, but it’s darn tasty.
Please serve it. It will be fine.
I’ve been to a wedding held at a local park. It was tea-theme. The snicky-snacks were all Costco appetizers, the mother of the bridge bragged to me. It was delicious and everyone had a good time. I think there was at least a champagne toast, can’t remember if there was more to drink.
If people judge you, they’re not worth it.
One of my colleagues “catered” one of his friend’s daughters weddings through Costco. It apparently got rave reviews. Costco just has such amazing snacks.
And cakes! I just attended a wedding with a Costco cake, and I was pleasantly surprised.
And flowers! You can do your wedding flowers through Costco, too!
Costco for the win!!
I did, and it was fine!
Just further affirmation — this will be fine! It will be fun! Your wedding sounds great and it sounds like you’re doing a good job of keeping your wits about you / your priorities straight! <3
Worry about yourself
Heck no, you’re giving people free wine, they don’t get to judge what brand (or “label”) it is! If they wanna drink fine wine, they can find a bar after the wedding and go to down on their own dime.
Did it myself. No regrets.
If you’re concerned about people seeing the label, you could just put a sign on the bar listing the types of wine and then most people won’t even see the bottle.
Or you could do a “cutesy” custom label to cover it up or glitter/spray paint etc etc, if you are worried. Maybe it makes more of a difference if the bottles are left on the dinner tables self-serve or if bartenders/servers will be doing all the handling and pouring?
Little known secret: Kirland liquors and wine are actually name-brand in Kirkland bottles. I served Kirkland wine at my wedding and it was fine. Enjoy and congratulations!
Stay safe out there, CA people! The smoke in the Bay Area is not to be believed, although it’s even worse up north. Hope everyone has their N95 masks at the ready for any time you must spend outside.
thanks for the shout-out! Thinking of the people who lost so much!
I feel really bad for complaining because it’s not like I lost my house or anything. That said, I’ll be really happy when this is over so I can start being active outside again with my toddler and not being so scratchy in my eyes, nose and throat…
Mary Ann Singleton
Yesterday kids were arriving to my neighborhood school wearing what essentially looked like gas masks, and today the school is closed. I couldn’t help but think that it looked like a glimpse into a dystopian future, gas masks and all.
My husband and I sent a selfie to our family this morning of us with our N95 and bike helmets rocking the post-apocalyptic commute.
Are Pendleton blankets worth it? I like some of the designs and would like to buy one for my husband, but the price is steep and I would definitely only pay it for true quality.
They are 100% woven wool, with the binding stitched. The pattern will be sharp because it’s woven in, not stamped or dyed.
They used the be heirloom quality-my mom still has the one we played on every night as kids- but honestly I think they might be a smidge thinner than they used to be. Still very warm though.
I received one as a graduation gift and I love it. My whole family swears by them.
No idea, but following! I am also tempted to buy one this year.
I grew up with Pendleton blankets and they all still look good! They really are nice and heavy and warm.
My family swears by them. I have two sitting in a closet. My dad is going to take them back over the holidays because I “don’t appreciate them”(I prefer down to wool but you do you). They are not good if you have cats either and we have 3.
They are regularly posted on eBay as a collectors item and they do hold up very well. My blankets are 30 years old and look like new.
Wait, why aren’t they good if you have cats?
Yeah, hang on the wall right now, because I have my dogs with downy white undercoats sleep on the bed. There is still fur stuck in the weave from a few nights when it was so cold I pulled the blankets on the bed despite.
If anyone has any ideas how to protect a Pendleton blanket from animals, I’m all ears, because nothing else is so warm…
anon in brooklyn
Mine gets covered with cat hair, and it gets embedded, so I wasn’t sure how to get it out, but a rubber brush works great. Not including a link so as not to get stuck in mod, but just search “rubber brush for pet hair removal”
I have a couple that are washable and I love them – they were expensive but still look new a few years later.
A month ago I met a man I really like. He has a very demanding and impressive job that he loves that’s even more demanding because he’s a renowned expert in his field and is always writing articles and flying to conferences multiple times a month.
He told me he has about 10 hours of free time a week left after his actual job and the public expert part of it. He’s been good about sharing that time and himself with me…I’ve seen him a bit more than once a week, and we’ve been in touch every day, even if brief. He invited me to a party with his good friends. He told me he’s not seeing anyone else (though the cynical side of me says he wouldn’t have time for it!). It all seems appropriate, even promising, for having known someone under a month.
But if things get more serious, which I hope they will, that won’t be enough time for me, and he’s been pretty clear about how big a priority his job is. I asked him if he wanted to get together this weekend and he said unless my heart was set on it, he needed to spend all weekend locked at home writing, and could we get together next week? I said yes but also felt like “uh oh, if a new relationship can’t compete with work for his attention, not sure what can.”
My friend’s response when I talked to her: “now you know why this amazing guy isn’t married…he is, just to his job.” She thinks basically this is the level of what he can sustain and it’s unlikely that he’ll change, or want or give more than this.
I know lots of people here have crazy demanding jobs and have dated/married people with them, so am interested in that perspective especially. It seems a little clingy to initiate a conversation with him about his time now, when he has spent a reasonable amount of time with me so far, not even in comparison to how much time he has, just altogether. And we are not in a relationship so what cause do I have to complain?
He is totally married or dating someone else.
Or he’s busy?
I don’t think there’s evidence of that, especially since he took the OP to a party with his friends (who would know if he wasn’t single). There are plenty of people who just have careers like this.
Gail the Goldfish
Nah, not if she’s met his friends. If she hadn’t, maybe, because to quote Chris Rock, “If you’ve been dating a man for four months and you haven’t met any of his friends, you are NOT his girlfriend!”
Probably this, but if that’s not the case, it sounds like he’s telling you what to expect. Believe him. If it doesn’t match what you’re looking for, move on.
He is definitely not dating someone else. That much I’m sure about.
Sure people make this work. But that doesn’t matter. You know you need more time than he will give you. So move on. He isn’t for you.
I agree with this. You can already predict trouble down the road, it seems like you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak. My husband went through a career period like this for about four years (and this is after we were already married and have been together for 5 years) and it was the hardest thing our relationship has faced. There were times where we both considered it close to over. It was harder than serious family illnesses and years of infertility treatments. Not having enough time together, especially in the early part of a relationship, really will ruin things. Now, of course, there are people who also only want to spend 3 hours a week with their partners, so maybe they can make it work, but you already know this isn’t what you want.
Sadly, I agree with this too. He’s telling you what he is willing to give and it isn’t enough for you. It wouldn’t be enough for me, either.
Darn darn darn.
This. I dated that guy before I met my husband and I didn’t like it. I like spending time with my partner. And yes, it can be done with two demanding jobs, but both people need to want to spend time together. I’m sorry your new guy doesn’t seem to be on the same page. Agree with the comment, he is married – to his job.
I think your friend is mostly right. At this point in life, this guy hasn’t met anyone he wanted to be with more than he wanted to be with his job. And it sounds like he’s very honest and upfront about his priorities, which is good. It could be the case that if you guys really hit it off, his priorities shift – but you can’t know that right now. So the question for you, I think, is whether this is a level of engagement you are willing to live with in order to see if a relationship develops, and if his life/priorities remain the same if it does. There’s no wrong answer here – if this isn’t enough for you, then that’s fine. And if you’re willing to live with it for now, but it’s not enough for you later, that’s fine too.
Because this isn’t an established relationship, he doesn’t owe you more time than he’s giving you. But nor do you owe him anything in terms of tolerating it.
Thanks. I am willing to live with this level to see if his priorities change or not, but would hate to be doing something dumb where, like, everyone except me could see a mile away that I was never going to get what I want.
We can. You’re never going to get what you want. Move on now before you waste years of your life.
Yeah, I think I agree with this.
I mean, I spent a number of years as a 2500-hour-a-year married to my job biglawyer in my early 30s. And I was happy with that, because I loved my work. I ended up cutting back on those hours once there were other things in my life that I found as exciting as my work (in my case, my dog, my obsession with bike racing, and the group of nutty lady bike racer friends I developed). So it is possible for a person who is super career focused to change. Not everyone will, but I wouldn’t say that the writing is clearly on the wall here.
+1. People change. I find the mid-30s is a re-evaluation point for many people.
Yeah, so it really depends on where he is at in his life. If he is a young guy under 35 or 40 he ideally will want to settle down, maybe take up a job in academia, or something slower in his later years, maybe he is working toward that now. But, if he is older, 40s, lets say, and he is still running the marathon, he probably doesn’t see himself giving it up any time soon.
I would have those kinds of frank conversations now. If he feels like he is going to be doing this until he dies (which lots of guys are) then you need to re-evaluate. Or if he can see the burn out coming on the horizon, a change in career in the future, especially if he wants to start a family, then I would consider that too. Or, he could be in a position where doing his job gets a lot easier after working a few years.
I also think he is doing a better job than my SO at keeping in touch with you. Especially when we started dating. The writing this weekend thing, makes a lot of sense, especially when he probably scheduled the writing time prior to meeting you, or put it off previously to hang out with you, and now he has to get it done for a deadline.
The other thing to consider is, imagine if you were living with him. Could he prioritize sitting down to dinner around his work schedule, so many days a week. Or on the weekends when he is writing. Would sitting in bed reading together be enough contact after working all day? Yeah, he will be out of town X days a month, but will the time at home in the meantime be enough?
Brunette Elle Woods
You’re probably never going to get what you want and he probably won’t change. That being said, do what you feel is right. Give it a couple months if you want. That way if it doesn’t work out you won’t end up wondering what if. That’s being said, yea it’s pretty clear to everyone else.
I think you’re borrowing trouble. You’re in the still brand new dating phase, and you’ve already said he has spent enough time with you. Frankly it would be weird for a man with that type of career to turn immediately into “screw my career I want to be with you all the time!” after only a month.
I’ve found that when a guy with a demanding career meets a woman he wants a real relationship with, his priorities shift a bit to build in more time for that important person. As you guys get serious, maybe reevaluate then how much he is prioritizing the relationship compared to his career, it’s simply too premature to make that judgment. And honestly, if a good chunk of his free time is writing articles and speaking at conferences, as opposed to trapped at a desk with a boss breathing down his neck to bill more, it will be super easy for him to ease up on that once you’re dating more seriously – moving from 4 to 1 or 2 conferences a month, and from 5 to 3 papers a year probably isn’t going to hurt his career.
Thanks. This is what I wanted to hear.
Totally agree with this.
I also agree with this– if you’ve only known him for a month, most of these papers and conferences he’s dealing with now were on his plate way before he met you. It’s not reasonable to ask professionals to dump prior commitments for someone they’ve know for a few weeks (not saying that you are! But I feel like that gets overlooked in the oft-repeated refrain “people can ALWAYS find time for things that matter!” um, no, I can’t reschedule this summary judgment hearing or give back a new project I took on because I met a guy I’m into.) Watch how he behaves in the future– does he begin to build you into schedule and factor you into his life? That said, while I wouldn’t call it quits right now, I’d keep my eyes open and be honest with yourself– your needs are valid and deserve to be met. If it’s not making you happy, then it’s not the right fit.
This is not the worst advice, either. Nothing wrong with giving it a bit more time as long as your eyes are wide open!
People deal with it by accepting that this is who their partner is and that private life may come in second to work life many times. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you but it is who they are. His workaholic lifestyle doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker for you but it is also okay if it is. But don’t go into this expecting him to change.
FWIW it would be a dealbreaker for me as I wanted kids with someone for whom family life was the clear priority over work and who was ready to take steps back in his career or change jobs to prioritize that. It’s not right for everyone but it was right for me and 3 kids later I’m glad I made that a priority for my life partner.
Brunette Elle Woods
I’m in a similar position, but likely my “relationship” will end soon. First, you can’t be sure he’s not seeing someone else. He introduced you to his friends and he’s super busy so I doubt it, but you really can’t say for sure. Do you want to get married and have kids? If yes, are you ok with essentially being a single mom? Sounds like he can’t provide for a spouse emotionally. He is already married to his job so you would ultimately be his mistress. You have to decide if that’s enough for you. It wouldn’t be enough for me, but I’m single!
Thanks. I am pretty darn sure he isn’t seeing someone else, though you’re right it’s impossible to truly say. I’ve seen a lot of his life, and I know work is not an excuse for him. He is really, really, really into it and even fretful when other life obligations keep him from what he feels driven to do.
I want to be married, not especially interested in kids. I can take care of myself, but don’t want to be an afterthought.
Brunette Elle Woods
It’s only been a month, and while I don’t want to suggest you move on already, his job is clearly his priority. He’s really, really, really into his career. Is he really, really, really into you??? Maybe have a conversation with him and find out what he wants, but it seems pretty clear to me. He wants his career as his wife and you as his mistress. I’ve been there before and wasted nearly a year and a half on an ex.
Thanks for the words of experience!
I know this guy. Not him, exactly, but one just like him. He gets a thrill from and takes a great deal of pride in his work and he’s hesitant to throw off his balance. He’s a little set in his ways, yes, because he knows his current method works for him. He does truly want to date someone, but he doesn’t quite know how to fit things together and he’s going to get frustrated if you give him a lot of flack for not carving out massive amounts of time to drop everything for you, because he’s communicated his limitations. I agree with IHHtown – it’s only been a month, and he is making time for you and planning into the future, so I’d proceed with caution and reevaluate in 3-4 months. Think about what kind of time you need and when. Overnight gardening will lead to more time together. Some of your most valuable time might be more spontaneous, like when you show up with takeout after he’s been holed up working on Saturday, getting breakfast before he goes to the airport, etc.
Also, if you get more serious, think about what his trajectory might be, talk to him about his goals. Be honest with him about what you need and where you are and aren’t willing to compromise. Be honest with yourself about whether, if he becomes more of a public figure, even if it’s localized to his industry, if that’s a lifestyle you can be happy in over a long period.
Thanks, I appreciate the advice.
He’s showing you what his priorities are, and they’re not going to change just because you fall for him. I would extricate yourself now.
Brunette Elle Woods
Do not fall for him! Give it until New Year’s Eve if you want, but do not waste years trying to get him to change!!!
I’m sorry to say I’ve already fallen for him! But I will do my best to keep my eyes open and will definitely be thinking of your experience.
Of what you’ve said, this is the part that troubles me: ” He is really, really, really into it and even fretful when other life obligations keep him from what he feels driven to do.” That stance toward life won’t change easily. Marriage is a pretty big life obligation. As is aging. And friendships. And family (even without kids). And illness. Go cautiously. Don’t fall in love with Work Guy and then realize that he’s no use as Life Guy.
I meant more like stupid bureaucratic life obligations–he has lots of friends and good relationships with his family. But a good point still.
As a counterpoint, it can be a good thing when a person gets really really into things… this is also the type of personality that when the time is right can also get really really into a partner/relationship (as opposed to being sort of half-assed about stuff). I have seen it with friends of mine.
I guess I think people are freaking out over nothing. It’s *one* weekend that he said he can’t get together. Would you freak if a man you’d be dating for a month said he had an out of town wedding or guys’ trip and had to not see you for one weekend? That just doesn’t seem like that big a deal to me at all. It sounds like he has been consistently prioritizing you, and that’s good. I generally agree with the advice that people don’t change, but I guess I don’t really understand what needs changing here, especially if you don’t want kids. Yes, he works a lot, but it sounds like he prioritizes you in his limited free time.
To me what (might) need to change is that while seeing someone one night a week is fine with me when I’ve been dating them a few weeks, it’s not enough for me six months in. And no matter how much I want to see him, I don’t want to be begging for his time.
I’m married to this guy and have been for 10 years, and we have a great relationship. Granted, I’m also the female version of that, so I have plenty to keep me busy. the hours he spent with me were less important than his general willingness to be a partner, care about my needs and desires and find a way forward, and not just be like, this is what I want, either deal with it or GTFO. I think the approach this guy is taking at this stage in your relationship is reasonable. If you find that he doesn’t become any more willing to consider your needs over time, then that’s a problem. I don’t know a single person who is more career driven than my husband. That said, he puts nothing above me, and if I say I need or want something, he’ll be a real partner in making that happen. Not at all the vibe I got when we first met, and I’d say that it’s because at the time the relationship was new and there wasn’t a deep enough commitment yet, although there was to his work. Now it’s a bit different.
I know that the Lord & Taylor brand cashmere sweaters are popular here. Lord & Taylor has started their Black Friday sale early and most of the crewneck and v-neck styles are about 50 bucks. Some colors come in Petite sizes, too.
Thanks for the tip. Do you know how these sweaters run, size-wise? Also, I have really sensitive skin and have a hard time wearing wool. What’s the itch factor like with these?
I like wearing the Uniqlo heat tech layers underneath any cashmere or wool sweaters. Thin and cuts down on the itchiness factor.
I have two of these from a few years ago and I think they run true to size. I just ordered the same color in petite and regular, though, because my size has been changing and I really don’t know anymore. RE: Itch. To me, cashmere doesn’t itch at all, but I agree with Brokentoe that the Uniqlo layer makes them more comfortable (and cuts down on how often the sweater needs washing).
Thanks for this – any insight how true to size these sweaters run?
Pretty true – I wear size Small sweaters for Loft, Ann Taylor, Banana, and Lord and Taylor. I’m 32D and about a 28 inch waist.
I think L&T cashmere is decent quality, too. I’ve had some of their sweaters for probably 5+ years and they seem to hold up pretty well.
I find I have to be very careful washing them. I don’t get nearly as much life out of them as I would like to, no matter what I do – hand wash, delicate machine, special soaps…Only dry cleaning seems to retain the sizing.
Mens shopping help! My SO wants to get a sports jacket to wear instead of his suit for fancy occasions. He’s a techie and normally wears jeans and t-shirts so he’d only be wearing the jacket a few times a year.
He wants to keep it to about $500. Nordstrom was not a good place, it seemed all the jackets were $600 or $1600. Where would be a good place? Macy’s? Mens Warehouse? Jos A Bank? Brooks Brothers?
Thank you! I will check it out
Macys or Lord & Taylor will have a lot of options and will definitely have big sales for the holidays. I have given my husband a couple sports jackets that were originally marked for $500ish, but I’m sure I paid no more than $150.
Thank you! We will have to check it out. Macy’s didn’t have much selection online but we’ll go to the store.
My husband has had good luck at Macy’s in the past. Find a friendly salesperson and they will fix him up.
J Crew! Lots of good options well within your price range, and they tend to be a bit more modern/youthful which sounds like it would suit (no pun intended!) your SO. Brooks Brothers Red Fleece line sometimes has good options, too.
We are not so youthful, he’s early 40s! I will look into JCrew. Thank you!
FYI, BrooksBrothers currently has sportscoats at 30% off, thru this weekend, I think.
You’re youthful. You just don’t know it!
And on that note you might want to check out Banana Republic.
Also, I’ve mentioned this here before, but if your son has a brand in mind and knows his size (which can easily be done at a tailor’s (they might charge $10 or so for this service)) – Check Ebay. My husband’s entire work wardrobe is Neimen Marcus level brands that he gets for 10% of the cost (Oxxford suits and sport coats, Zegna, etc.) on ebay. So, a $3200 jacket he finds a gently used version of it for $300 and has like $40 worth of tailoring done to it.
My husband likes sports jackets from Bonobos.
Wondering if anyone has successfully resolved a dispute about prenup agreement with their partner. I got engaged a few months ago and at that time told my fiance that I strongly wanted a prenup, as I have $1.5m in assets while he has a negative net worth. He was unenthusiastic about the idea but seemed willing to go along with it, and we’ve had several discussions about it and about adding specific provisions to address his concerns. I’ve spent about $5k in attorney fees to get a draft agreement and I sent the agreement to my fiance so that he could get his own lawyer to review the agreement. We had a fight last weekend, and one of the issues that came up was that he found the idea of a prenup incredibly insulting, that I should know him well enough to know that he would never go after my money, and he felt that I need therapy to resolve the trust issues that caused me to believe a prenup is necessary. I feel that a prenup is needed in our situation as insurance in the event of divorce, regardless of my trust in my spouse, that it’s especially warranted given the disparity in our finances, and I see nothing wrong with a contract to reflect our agreement on who should get what. I am a contracts lawyer, so obviously I’m approaching this from a different perspective than his. We’re postponing the wedding and planning to go to couples counseling to discuss our communication and conflict resolution problems. In the meantime, I’ve read a thread in the archives on prenups and several posters said that they would be extremely offended and hurt if their partner were to suggest a prenup. So I’m curious on how others have resolved this issue in their relationship, and any advice.
Couples counseling, stat. I’d definitely use a professional to help navigate and unpack this, and I’d refrain from thinking that this is all about the prenup. I asked my now husband if he wanted a prenup, since his net worth is 10x mine, but he said we didn’t need one. I can say, even without a prenup, we have still had to navigate our finances and have had some bumps in the road. Sometimes I feel like he’s sitting in a super yacht with his investments, while I’m just chugging along in my little rowboat, so that can obviously cause tension. We’ve overcome it through really speaking about how we will merge our finances (and where we won’t), and what our financial goals are together (so we’re both in the same nice sailboat, and no one is in a rowboat or a yacht). So I wouldn’t automatically chalk this all up to greed, selfishness, etc. Money differences are really hard. Also, if you want a prenup, you are entitled to one. Just work with your spouse on this, and I’m glad you postponed the wedding so you don’t have an artificial timeline hanging over your head.
Money differences are really hard, and I say this as someone who makes a lot more than DH right now and also has more net worth (but less of a gap than you). That being said, it’s true that prenups are somewhat loaded and while I hear where you are coming from, I also understand how this could cause some anxiety to your fiance. I did not ask for one and would have been somewhat hurt if he had (he potentially will get a lot of family money at some point, so he could have). Also, I say this kindly as a contract lawyer myself, but we like contracts and understand contracts and find them normal in a way other people really…don’t. My husband gets serious anxiety whenever contracts get mentioned so I can’t even imagine negotiating one with him (I just handle contractual stuff for the both of us). Couples counseling sounds good. Do you have specific reasons not to trust him with money?
I am also pro-contracts but agree that a lot of people find the idea insulting or have other superstitious issues with it (as if drafting a will can cause tragic events to happen).
Chiming in to add two helpful ways to frame it – 1) you already have a prenup, it’s the default laws of the state where you will live. All you’re doing is modifying the default to your circumstances. And, 2) it’s better to chose how you want to divide your assets when you are feeling your best toward each other than to deal with it when you might be feeling your worst.
Thanks to all. AIMS, I’ve already framed it in those ways to him but he can’t get over his feelings that I shouldn’t need the prenup if I truly trusted him. I understand that his point of view is not unreasonable and that he doesn’t have my point of view on contracts, but I am hurt that he won’t understand my POV, and I am resentful that he did not express how strongly he felt about this until after I’d already spend a ton of money and effort towards getting the agreement. I don’t know that I’ll be able to get comfortable with getting married without a prenup, so we’ll need to work that out as well as the underlying communications issues in therapy.
In circumstances like this I like to bust out my favorite quote from Ronald Reagan: “Trust, but verify.”
My only comment would be that if you hadn’t talked pre-engagement in-depth about how your life would look after marriage – finances, living arrangements, goals – that he may have thought you would combine everything. It would be a big shock to someone who is less attuned to contracts/law and who is less focused on what could go wrong, so the shock may account for his attitude and reaction.
At this point, only working through it through communications and therapy will fix it and if he does not truly accept it, I would say that that is a bad sign for the marriage.
Could you make him a gift at the same time you do the prenup or is that even more insulting? Like give him $250 K for signing it?
Oh my god that’s a nightmare. I’d leave you instantly.
I just want to say that I’m a lawyer and I would not have a signed a prenup and would have been incredibly insulted and probably ended the engagement had my now-husband asked me to sign one. Marriage is supposed to be a joint venture, where there’s no more “his money” and “her money” and if you’re viewing your $1.5M money as your money that he can never get his hands on, it says something about how much you value him and the relationship. I don’t think he’s wrong to want to walk away over this issue.
Agreed. I’m exactly the same. You don’t trust him with your money.
been there done that
I think I was one of the posters in the archives who got flamed a few years ago for asking a prenup question. I’m naturally much more frugal than my fiance, so I had some luck framing it as an important tool that gives me the comfort to spend money on our life together without worrying about the small-likelihood-big-downside risk that I’d otherwise be thinking about with every big purchase. He also had a career that often moves a lot, so I called out that basically what we were doing was enshrining our current state’s laws as holding true even if we moved. Finally, I called out every single couple we knew both parties of who had been screwed financially by a divorce (mostly our friends parents) to show that we have examples of couples composed of two nice people who didn’t have particularly acrimonious divorces that still ended up really hurting the woman’s finances. My sister accidentally let it slip that it was a norm in our family a few months into the time we were dating, so he at least knew it was part of the package from the beginning. None of that stopped my fiance from being a [self-described] little baby about it, though.
We did a prenup and it was a good exercise. You are much more likely to take care of someone and be fair when you are madly in love with them than when you are staring down a divorce. Think of it as an insurance policy. Also, as I am sure your lawyer made clear, you can’t contract out of obligations related to future minor children which took a lot of the what-of scenarios out of our discussions.
+1. We wanted the people who love each other to make the (future, hypothetical) people who despite each other treat each other kindly.
Extremely unpopular opinion:
Unless your fiance has some hard-core reason to oppose divorce (e.g., deeply religious*), then the complaints about “trust” ring hollow. About a third of first-time marriages end in divorce, and most Americans view marriage as a lifestyle or relationship choice, or a contract. Treat it accordingly.
*I am not saying that all religious marriages succeed and all non-religious ones fail, or anything of that sort. What I am talking about is someone’s *viewpoint.* If you would be the family pariah if you divorced on a whim, and your social circle would shun you, then you might get upset about a prenup in a way that most modern Americans would not.
I used to think that a prenup was planning for failure. Two divorces later, in the second of which I lost about half a million dollars that a prenup would have preserved, I’ve changed my tune. I think you are right to postpone the wedding and you are right to go to counseling and you are right to insist on the prenup as a condition of marriage. Don’t let him make you wrong or make you the bad guy on this.
And also? Everthing that AIMS said.
Wouldn’t your premarital assets remain yours anyway as long as you don’t commingle? I think he’s right. You don’t trust his.
Not at all true. By way of example, in Texas, simply receiving interest into the account would comingle the account and it would be presumed community property, thereby making it subject to “just and right division” on divorce. It would need to be proved by clear and convincing evidence what part of the account is separate property by virtue of having been brought into the marriage.
The interest is community property, not the entire amount.
Yes, but the interest is probably redeposited into the same account, which means the whole account is now comingled CP and SP, and in Texas the presumption is that all property is CP, unless proven otherwise by clear and convincing evidence, so figuring out what portion of the account is separate requires a tracing analysis, which is not cheap and requires negotiation. (Wow, that’s a run on sentence if I’ve ever written one!)
OP, it occurs to me that this is somewhat a matter of feelings vs. logic. You (and I) may be technically correct but it’s hard to argue logic with feeling. Think about the recent elections. Logically, people may not be worse off, but it didn’t matter because they felt worse off. I agree that therapy is helpful for working through this, but maybe you can also reframe this for him in terms of your feelings, e.g., he may be insulted that you want a pre-nup but you feel hurt that he wouldn’t want to put your mind at ease by signing one since it’s just a common sense thing in your mind, like travel insurance, and you don’t actually plan on getting divorced or you wouldn’t be marrying him in the first place.
That is a very helpful point, thanks, AIMS.
Can you create a trust of your pre-marital assets? Everything has to be listed to be placed in the trust to begin with, and that would clearly spell out what is yours and y’all’s.
Honestly, I wouldn’t marry someone I felt I needed a prenup for. I know, I know, you can’t predict the future and all that, but I think in your heart of hearts you do know. You know that little thing that might grow into a big thing and cause you to split. And you know when you’ve met someone you will never end things with. If you can’t say that for certain, don’t get married. Then you won’t need a prenup.
I disagree with this ‘you just know if you’ll ever get a divorce’ opinion. It’s too many people’s experience to the contrary. I know it’s comforting to think you’ll know, or that feeling like you ever will gives a sense of security, but that’s all it is: belief, not knowledge.
Cabin rental/hotel with fireplace
In response to an anon request yesterday for a cabin rental or hotel near DC that has a fireplace:
The Ashby Inn in Paris, VA is a great place to stay and I believe a number of their rooms have fireplaces. As a bonus, their on-site restaurant is excellent. We stayed there in August and loved it.
I need some advice regarding career transitions and family planning. I am a third year associate in a specialized sub-group in a larger corporate practice group. I am struggling with motivation right now, and I think a large part of it is because I find my specialty too narrow and a little boring. Our firm has pretty segmented sub-groups, and it is pretty difficult to move within those, so I would need to either switch firms or try to find in-house jobs where I could do more general corporate work. However, my husband and I were planning to start trying for a baby next summer since I’m in my 30s and don’t want to wait too long. If we do this, it would mean I would have to stay in my practice area for at least another 2-3 years before I could transition to something else. What would you do–look for other jobs now and delay trying or just suck it up for 2-3 more years and then look for a new job?
Look now. You’re not pregnant. You’re not even trying to get pregnant.
Point taken. I think I’m just wary of the optics of getting pregnant within a year of being at a new job.
I have several friends who started new jobs pregnant. It was fine. Look now.
I wouldn’t want to work at a job where the timing of a pregnancy is seen as a strike against you. If a job is truly family friend and wants to support working parents (regardless of gender) then any pregnancy at any time is a reason for celebration, not a strike against someone.
Don’t wait until you’re a 6 year associate. You will not get credit for 6 years at a new firm, but you might get credit for 3 now.
I just got engaged (yay!). Fiance and I have told our parents and siblings and the couple of friends who were already in on the proposal. I want to tell my best friend before reaching out to others – but, one of her close family members just died. The family member was elderly and sick, so the death is completely expected. When is a good time to tell her my happy news?
After the funeral is over.
I would just tell her. I was ouldnt expect or want my bff to wait out a funeral for an elederly relative. But I’m a circle of life type so ymmv