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We did our big roundup of fancy office chairs for women (Herman Miller, Steelcase, etc) last week, but when I was mentioning the lower cost options I realized I've never done a Coffee Break on this. So: behold, an under $60 office chair.
I've actually purchased this one myself — we sometimes rent an AirBnB to stay near relatives, and those tend to be working vacations for me because of timing (right around the big sales). We were staying in one for three weeks last week and the only office chair the owner had was a hard wooden dining room chair, so I decided to just buy a cheap home office chair from Amazon and basically leave it at the AirBnB.
I got this one in black, and put it together myself — and honestly, no complaints. For three weeks, with a lot of sitting, this chair was comfortable and functional. When we went back the next year, my chair was still there, and it looked like new and was still really comfortable. (But: who knows how much it was used in the intervening year.)
In addition to being really affordable, I see now that the chair comes in a bunch of fun colors — it's definitely one of the more affordable ways I've seen to add a colorful office chair.
(It is also currently the #1 best seller in home office desk chairs, with a 4.3 average with 59,891 ratings.)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
CGM
Does anyone here wear a continuous glucose monitor without having been diagnosed as T1/2 diabetic? I recognize that this is a bit of a fad (and maybe a TikTok trend), but hear me out. I had gestational diabetes, and as such I have a higher risk of developing T2. My mom (who is very petite and active) has high glucose levels, so there’s definitely a genetic component. I’m also starting to experience with low GI load food (being a lover of all things carb here) and more protein with meals, etc. I think seeing how my blood sugar spikes after eating certain things will help me balance my diet. But I won’t go back to pricking my finger for a drop of blood 4-5 times a day the way I had to when pregnant!
If you have used one, any recommendations for brand, etc.? Any tips?
Anon
My husband did this. He got whichever one Costco had since his insurance wouldn’t cover it for a non-diabetic. He was really surprised by which foods were spiking his blood glucose to just under diabetic levels, and which were not. It was incredibly helpful to just keep a food journal and see which foods were working out for him and which weren’t. For example, corn chips and egg drop soup were his absolute worst foods, much worse than sweet foods or desserts. Maybe he could have figured that out without the device, but it wasn’t intuitive for how he’d been thinking about blood sugar beforehand. His energy levels improved a lot after he adjusted his diet to what evened out glucose levels more.
I was jealous because I did the finger pricking, and I think the pain and inconvenience made me limit my diet more than I may have needed to (since I extrapolated a lot from tested meals). My issue was reactive hypoglycemia, and at the time the monitors weren’t as reliable for tracking lows and were also more expensive and harder to get insurance to pay for (I think they’re used a lot more for hypoglycemia these days). They’re a wonderful tool even when you have to confirm lows with finger prick testing and even though they’re still imperfect.
Anon
This was with a prescription from a doctor and full medical supervision. I didn’t realize it was even possible to get a blood glucose monitor not via a physician.
Cat
No IRL advice but I follow Stacie Flinner on IG and her husband founded? Levels, a glucose monitoring start-up – she periodically shares info about meals and spikes, etc.
Anon
I used one and I am not diagnosed with T1/2 diabetes. I do have insulin resistance, pre-diabetes, had gestational diabetes with both kids, and some family members had T2. I am not sure which of these things enabled it to be covered under my insurance, but it was covered. I still had a large copay ($75) each month. I had the Freestyle one.
It is very helpful in the ways you are thinking about. I would suggest trying your insurance first; otherwise you can still get one but you have to pay out of pocket for it.
Anonymous
Girl no. Sorry we aren’t playing into you wanting to play TikTok doctor. Delete the app. Go for a walk instead. Be grateful for the health you have instead of making up problems.
Anon
No one said not to work with a doctor. It’s fine to use continuous blood glucose monitoring to try to avoid developing full fledged type 2 diabetes or even the complications of hyperglycemia that can happen prior to developing diabetes. If the glucose monitor shows that everything is fine, that will be a welcome surprise! and yes, taking a walk helps too.
anon
Blunt, but I agree.
Anonymous
OMG +1,000,000
Anon
Thank you! I am on a crusade against medical, legal, and mental health advice being dispensed by amateurs.
Anon
All of this. I swear, some people here just want to play life on Hard Mode all the time and wander the Earth trying to figure out what problems they can create for themselves, that don’t already exist. It must be an absolutely exhausting way to live your life.
OP – think about antianxiety medication instead. It would probably do wonders for you, in all aspects of your life.
anon
This is so weird to me. She had GD and sounds like she may have a family history of T2D – so why does it sound crazy that she’d be interested in a CGM? I’d get it if she had zero indication that she might ever become a T2D, but having GD considerably increases your risk of developing T2D later in life. I had GD with two kids, have strong family history on both sides for T2D and have been diagnosed as prediabetic and am absolutely considering getting one of these – just need to go see my endo to get the Rx. OP, what was your last A1c? That might give you some indication about whether this is worthwhile.
Betsy
I’ve done it through Levels. I have somewhat mixed feelings about it – I think it gave me some really good information about how my particular body was processing food. However it can be a little discouraging at times too – nothing feels worse than eating a vegetable and seeing your blood sugar spike! I think if you have even a tiny tendency towards disordered eating, it can be pretty triggering. I found benefit from wearing a sensor for the first month, and then after that I found it more helpful to wear one only periodically for a checkin on my overall numbers.
Honestly in terms of seeing true health impacts I have been a lot better off doing a Whole30, which is also a lot less costly!
Anon
My friend does this and I think it’s totally absurd, tbh. No amount of normal blood work ever convinces she can stop. Co-opting the life of a diabetic without having to deal with the real risk and hardship seems super gross.
Anon
To me it seems like taking the risks and hardships of diabetes seriously to work this hard on avoiding it. If she has absolutely nothing wrong, then I guess I don’t understand. But for a prediabetic hovering on the edge of diabetes, it just seems proactive to me to slow that down as much as possible.
And if she’s eating to her meter, her blood work may well go back to normal, but that doesn’t mean it would be normal if she stopped?
Anon
OP isn’t a prediabetic and neither is my friend. Both seem to take medical advice from social media though. Those glucose accounts make money off of every click and affiliate link to diabetic test strips.
Anon
Okay, that surprises me then that someone whose blood glucose was perfectly fine would work this hard on keeping it fine. One third of adults in my country are prediabetic, and that holds true of people I know, so I think of it as very, very common!
Anon
She is actually high risk for diabetes. Sounds smart to me. And how would it hurt you?
"Men Are No Longer Part of the Problem??!"
I really need advice. I have been with my BF for about a year. He treats me very well, as I do him.
Yesterday we were assembling some furniture, and talking about his young kids. I complimented him on the advice I’d heard him give them regarding finding a good partner. I added, in the most gentle even absent-minded way (I was focused on a tricky bolt) that perhaps it would be good to add in some guidance to his sons regarding how they can BE good partners.
My boyfriend stopped what he was doing, looked at me, and said “the evidence is clear that men are no longer part of the problem.” I was shocked. He then went on a tear about alleged stats showing that women are taking men to the cleaners in a divorce. He does have two exes that took money from him, and I understand his anger toward them. But now I wonder if he is a closeted A Tate type. Even though he has told me about keeping his sons from listening to A Tate.
This is my signal to walk, right? If I engage him in conversation, he would probably backtrack and just tell me what I want to hear. Right? Since he has been so careful not to show this side of himself to me, until the situation made him slip.
If it matters, we are both forties and I am unlikely to find anybody else. He wants me to move in at the end of the year. Oh and if it matters my net worth is a LOT more than his (but he would say that is because other women took his money). So he does place me in a difference type of woman. TIA.
Anon
It’s your signal to walk. Don’t settle for a misogynist just because you think you’d otherwise be alone. First of all, that’s not true. Second, even if true, a life alone is better than a life with a misogynist.
(And no one takes anyone “to the cleaners” in divorce anymore. He’s resentful about his ex wives getting their share of joint assets and possibly supporting his own children financially, which is another red flag.)
Anon
+1! Maybe I’m extra sensitive because I had a dead way dad who didn’t pay child support and appears to have hidden assets so my mom would get less in the divorce, but no one gets taken to the cleaners in a divorce anymore (if that was ever true). His ex-wifes didn’t “take money from him” — they got their share of joint assets. He may have earned a higher salary during the marriage, but they likely contributed to his ability to earn that salary. And even if they didn’t, he decided to form a unit with them and share assets. Therefore, half of everything earned during the marriage was the ex’s.
I would run for the door
Anon
Ugh, his attitude is awful. Between the statement about men no longer being the problem and that his exes “took money from him”, it does sound like there is an underlying issue here. Big turnoff. I would definitely rethink this relationship.
OP
Actually both women do appear to have stolen money from him. He is the rare dad that has full custody, because his ex seems to be truly dysfunctional as a parent. The kids were injured so often in her sole care that the court took them away from her. His anger toward her seems totally justified.
Anonymous
Really you buy that two totally different woman literally stole money from his versus being awarded it by a court?
Anon
Yeah, but his response is to extrapolate that to all women rather than just chalk it up to one bad person. That’s not justified at all.
Anon
So it’s just a coincidence that he married two separate women that “stole” money from him?
You’re only hearing his side of the story. You already know he doesn’t like women, just in case you haven’t been listening.
Anonymous
Ok then he should have the critical thinking skills to recognize that just because THESE women are no-good thieves doesn’t mean that it is generally true that women make out better in divorce in an undeserved way.
Anon
If they both stole money from him (which I find doubtful), that has nothing to do with divorce laws. And doesn’t mean that women are taking men to the cleaners during divorces. To have stole money, it must have been outside the divorce process. If the court awarded the money to his exes, they didn’t steal it. Simply being angry that his ex got mo way from joint assets during a divorce doesn’t mean that they stole it
Anonie
Did they “steal” it or were they awarded it in a divorce/custody settlement? You do see how those are different, right? Because it doesn’t seem like he does.
Anon
If they stole money from him, a forensic accountant would have uncovered that. Why did his divorce attorney not suggest it?
RiskedCredit
The courts don’t give away money for nothing. They also don’t give sole custody so easily either.
I’m not going to say he is a narcissist but I will say, his reaction would deeply concern me. I’d have serious 2nd thoughts. He just told you he doesn’t see his previous marriages as equal.
Anon
Run don’t walk, and I say this as someone with politics that don’t align well with most of this board.
Divorce courts are actually quite fair these days; they generally do a 50/50 split for assets accumulated during the marriage and custody of children.
What ticks me off about what your boyfriend says: if it’s money earned during the marriage, it is THEIR money, not HIS money. To me, the “she took all of my money” view is problematic because it views marital assets as assets of the individual. While there might be some hypothetical circumstances in which that is legitimate, assuming “he earned it so it’s his and not theirs” as the default is a very unhealthy view of how marriage should work.
Signed,
Out-earn my spouse and it’s his money too.
Anon
Agree completely about his problematic viewpoint as to marital assets.
Anonymous
This. My boomer dad fundamentally understands that my sahm was and is entitled to the money he earned during their marriage. It’s not a new concept. It’s only horrible men who think they should keep martial assets for themselves at the expense of their spouse and anything else is unfair.
Anon
Yes this is your signal to walk. Honestly I think your first signal was two divorces that are both allegedly the fault of the other person. I get that sometimes a decent person marries someone horrible, but they don’t usually make the same mistake twice.
Anon
You’re not wrong.
Anon
He is doing you a favor. Also, I met my husband in my 40s. Leave and then come back here and tell us how you are.
Anonymous
Oh absolutely not. You don’t respect women but want me to move in? Hard pass. Just end it. And 40s is way too young to conclude this is all there is.
Anonymous
Run. Equitable distribution of marital assets is not “taking money.” I’m not sure what your thinking is there but yikes. Whatever weird mindset makes him think all men are absolutely absolved from being good partners is bound manifest in an extremely ugly way down the road.
Anon
Yikes. Yeah, I think I would have a hard time staying with somebody like that.
Anon
Walk. And the idea that you won’t find someone else because you’re in your 40s is absolutely ridiculous.
Anon
+1. Don’t fall for that myth.
Anonymous
I don’t understand what women supposedly getting more out of divorce has to do with raising boys who are good partners. Does he think that his sons shouldn’t be good husbands and fathers? That his sons are entitled to treat women like garbage because women might be using them for money? As much as I loathe “traditional” gender roles, at least fathers taught sons a sense of responsibility to be a Leader and a Good Provider. Not, you’d better test whether a woman is good enough for you and you shouldn’t be at all concerned about your responsibility to her. It requires a balance. Vet carefully. Be a kind and considerate person.
Senior Attorney
Agree with the consensus.
Signed,
Met my fabulous husband in my late 50s
OP
Your husband was a widower and the 40s widower supply is almost non-existent. I’m so tired of being single. I can’t do it for 15 more years. I can’t. I haven’t had an emergency contact for over a decade.
I might look like a strong independent woman, but if I give him up I will be so alone and so scared.
Anon
This dude is bad news. You are not better off becoming his next ex-wife. He is telling you exactly who he is. Girl, run. You are way better off single.
Anonymous
Ok. So don’t break up with him. But also don’t move in. Keep you own space. Push out the timeline. See how things go.
Hypatia
The most alone and scared I’ve ever felt was in a bad relationship. Having an emergency contact is not going to balance out feeling outrage and despair at a partner’s misogyny.
Anon
Amen to this.
Senior Attorney
Oh, boy. So true. I married my second husband at 40something because I felt like you felt — this was my last chance and nobody else would have me. Then spent the next 15 years feeling so, so miserable. Being alone would have been so much better. SO MUCH BETTER.
Anonymous
Yes. This is how I felt in my marriage before I divorced and my ex is a decent guy. You are putting your happiness in the hands of someone else. Even if he was a great guy, you could marry him and he could die soon. We should never count on another person to create our happiness or security.
Anon
There are decent divorced men in their 40s. This guy isn’t one, but it’s not like you *have* to wait for a widower.
Anonie
I mean, you can still choose to stay with this person. Whether or not you want to be single really has no bearing on what kind of person this guy is or how you feel about him.
Anon
I know several men in their 40s who are smart, kind, successful, and want to meet the right woman. They were too shy to find someone in their 20s, when most of their friends got married, and have spent their 30s and early 40s looking for the right woman.
Anon
What even?! Oh honey, go get some therapy while you’re at it after you leave this guy. There’s plenty of single men in their 40s, you don’t have to settle for this nonsense. Signed, met my husband at 40+ and dated tons of lovely men in their 40s.
oh boy
so you want to go be a full time step mom to this loser’s kids?
I promise you – I have been there. the only thing worse than a bad partner you feel stuck with is a bad partner you feel stuck with and whose kids you are forced to raise.
His latent misogyny will show up even more when you are the woman in the house and he pushed you into a traditional caretaker role.
Anonymous
OP – I have a book to recommend to you: “How to be Single and Happy.” I’m 53 and just ended a relationship of 4 years with a man I thought I would marry. The breakup is pretty fresh so I’m still in a lot of pain. I’ve been searching for books to help me process to craft an awesome single life and this book delivers. Yes, I would like to be with a partner too but I’d rather be alone than be with the wrong person. I wish the best, OP. Take some time to process. These decisions aren’t easy.
OP
Thank you. I will read it.
I have an awesome single life. Full of travel, hobbies, volunteering, and fun. It is all meaningless when you have nobody to spend your birthday with.
Anon
I find it really sad that you say you have a fun filled life full of travel and volunteering but that it means nothing without a man on your birthday.
Therapy, STAT
Anon
OP, hugs.
Unrelated, this is why I think it’s unbelievably important to keep up friendships even if you’re at a different life stage. I don’t want my friends feeling alone because they aren’t married and I am, or they had kids before everyone else did, or whatever.
Anon
I’m sorry, OP.
I have been divorced for a long time. My emergency contact is a close girlfriend. I hope that you can find some good women friends to surround you on your birthdays and other happy events and realize you don’t have to have a misogynist man to celebrate with!
nananon
OP, thinking of you. I don’t have advice, just feel for you.
Anon
Your life sounds very full, but it did stand out to me that you didn’t mention friends. Do you have close female friends? If not, I think maybe you should focus on that for a while instead of dating. Celebrating a birthday with a close girlfriend is as good or better than celebrating with a partner.
OP
My birthday is Christmas Day. None of my female or male friends are going to abandon their families for me. Not even for a big milestone birthday. That is why I’m alone every year.
And I guess will be again this year.
Anon
Lots of people don’t celebrate Christmas. Make this year your Chinese-food-movie extravaganza birthday and celebrate YOU! If you happen to be in North Florida, I’m down to celebrate.
Anon
Wtf! I am single and also have an incredibly full and rich life and like hell would I ever say it is meaningless without someone to share it with. I make it meaningful, not some other person. You need to learn how to value yourself more. Dating this guy won’t help you with that problem, however.
Anon
Make some Jewish or Muslim friends ;) I’m kidding, but seriously – have you talked to your friends? Many people would be upset to hear a close friend would be sad and alone on a milestone birthday and would try to be there, even if it meant rearranging or partially missing family celebrations. I definitely would. Or maybe they could include you in their celebrations?
Anon
If you want to keep being sad about it, fine. But I have had no problems as a single person who isn’t close with their family or origin finding friends to spend traditional holidays with and who would be more than happy to celebrate me too.
If what you want us to say is yea sure stay with this guy who sounds kind of terrible, then sure fine stay with this dude whatever. But the alternative is not just sad alone single woman in her 40s. You have other choices.
January
I can also recommend this book. The author could have just called it “How to Be Happy.” It’s a good read.
anon
I just want to give you some words of support, since you’re getting piled on here. I’m also lived an amazing successful single life, from the outside. I’ve gotten many comments over the years about what an incredibly strong person I am, and it’s true – I am. And I found being single in my 30’s very very very hard. Harder than all the tangible hard things that other people give you empathy for. I’m married now – to a very kind man I met when I was 39-, and, the truth is, I’m much happier. I’m not wired to be single. I like sharing my life with someone. And not having a default person meant a LOT of time scheduling a social life. And writing Morning Pages so I had a place to dump all my thoughts. The fact I was very unhappy then, and happier now, doesn’t make me weak or broken, it just means that I really value human connection. Whatever you decide with the guy, I just wanted you to know that at least one internet stranger understands how hard it can be. I’m wishing you the very best.
Anon
“I might look like a strong independent woman, but if I give him up I will be so alone and so scared.”
Work on your own weakness. Don’t latch onto another person thinking somehow he will be your strength. In five or ten years, you will be described as the third woman who “stole” money from him, somehow. Or you will come back here complaining about how he took you to the cleaners in a divorce.
I just have to say this: grow up. Life is not a fairy tale. If you’re one of those “I’m just waiting to be rescued” women – realize that you will only ever be able to rescue yourself. Prince Charming is not coming. And, BTW, your weak, whiny, latch-on-to-anyone, I’m-so-lonely-and-helpless energy is part of what’s drawing these losers to you. Make yourself internally strong and you will attract strong partners who don’t hate women.
OP
Everyone tells me I’m the strongest woman they know and you might think the same if you actually knew me and what I’ve been through – all alone. I’m the opposite of a latch-on.
anonshmanon
kinda harsh but I think it’s the truth.
Runcible Spoon
Your boyfriend is not compatible with you, and you know it, because even though he wants you to move in with him, you have elected not to name him as your emergency contact. Yes, being unmarried is not how you envisioned your life at this stage, but it is the unusual life that unfolds according to plan.
NaoNao
If you go on R*ddit forum “Two X Chromosomes” you’ll see thousands of scary stories of women whose husbands and male partners either abandoned them or worse, mistreated them (usually pressuring or coercing them into intimate activities before they were ready/cleared) after birth, during cancer/illness, and during other difficult times. Having someone in theory and in practice are two different things.
Also I personally believe that behind every “crazy” or otherwise misbehaving women is a man who drove her there–99% of the time. So tread carefully with someone who at the very least, has shown himself to have a broken picker.
If you can gather the courage to move on from this person, I’d look at *younger* men. I married a man 8 years my junior in my early 40s and he’s amazing. He’s peaceful, loving, caring, generous, and thoughtful. He’s not perfect, but he doesn’t say these dated, sexist tropes that many mid-late 40s men seem to have glommed onto.
anon
Run, girl, run. This attitude is ugly and will eventually affect you.
Anon
Run. He’s just told you explicitly men don’t need to be good partners. He won’t be one himself
Anon
Well, with the exception of the Tate followers, the boys and young men of today ARE much different than they used to be. If he is a good boyfriend and a good dad, then he is actually MODELING that behavior. In some ways, you absentmindedly attacked his parenting and that triggered an over-reaction.
How old are his boys and how do they behave toward their mothers and to you? I mean, do they refuse to help clean up after dinner?
Anonymous
A vent, please.
My ex-husband’s aunt (friendly divorce with various relatives on both sides still in touch with other relatives) involved in animal rescue in Texas posted on FB that she had two cats that needed rehoming because of a sad situation. I commented that wow, it’d be great if she lived locally, because two cats in New England run about $500 to adopt, and my mom was looking to adopt a pair, and that’s a steep price for a senior on a fixed income to pay just to acquire said cats. She said it wouldn’t be a problem to get them to us – there’s a network of people who can fly or drive them. Great. I said I have miles on Southwest and could pay for a person to bring them up.
Well, it turned into said aunt wanting to bring her son to New England to tour colleges, and yeah, I’m somehow now paying for said son to come along. The total in miles is 140,000(!) because of the only days they can make it work between Junior’s activities. I would have been fine using, say, 50k miles for some individual to run some cats up to us and turn around and go home. I’m a wee bit displeased to be spending triple that to accommodate Junior’s schedule and to accommodate Junior at all. But naturally there’s nothing I can do now and I’m stuck. Le sigh.
Cat
oh man, is it not too late to say “oh sorry for any confusion, I only have enough miles to cover one adult round-trip on lower-demand days! If you can find an itinerary for 50k I can cover it!”
Anon
I would do this too.
There is no audacity left because this woman used it all up.
Anon
You definitely got roped into a favor here! I hope in the end it will end up strengthening some familial bonds even if it was shady how it went down.
It sounds like your mom is all set, but others in the same situation may want to look up “seniors for seniors” programs. Some rescues will not only lower or waive fees for senior adopters, but actually continue to pay for the cats’ veterinary needs if the cats are themselves older (and older, well behaved cats are sometimes a good fit as opposed to very energetic and trouble oriented young cats).
Anonymous
I mean. You can become an adult who uses her words any time you want! And even in New England it does not cost $500 to get a couple of cats. But knock yourself out playing martyr.
Anon
+1
Anon
What the what?? Is it really too late to say no! You would be better off paying the adoption fee in New England for your mom! And many shelters often waive fees or have adoption specials to have lower fees. This is crazy pants and shame on your ex-H aunt for taking advantage of you.
Anonymous
No. Shame on her for not saying “oh no that won’t work for me.”
Anon
Tell her you found some cats locally and no longer need them to take the trip. You can cancel and get the miles redeposited. You are only stuck if you allow yourself to be used by this moocher relative of an ex.
Anonymous
So the cats get the short end of the stick then?
Anon
um no, you roped yourself into this. you could’ve said, sorry, this is the max i’m comfortable spending for the cats. also, there have to be some cats closer to where you live.
Anon
Right, at this point just pay the $500 for your mom.
joan wilder
Tangential point but are you sure your mom can cover vet bills and food if the $500 fee is steep? Please do think about that part if you have not already. That said, I hope getting her some feline companions works out whatever way it happens. Pets make the best friends.
Anon
Honestly, I would just lie and say you found some cats locally. That amount of miles is worth a lot more than $500, so you would be better off just paying the adoption fee for your mom.
Anonie
This whole situation is pretty odd. Why are you still this involved in your ex’s family? What was your point in making the comment on the FB post? Wouldn’t you be better off gifting your mom $500 rather than gifting a stranger tens of thousands of airline miles? Do you follow any animal rescues in New England in the hopes of finding a less expensive way for your mom to adopt two cats, or do you only follow animal rescues that have a connection to your ex?
No Face
This is very strange. Just tell her that you can no longer cover the trip. Don’t let this random person take advantage of your kindness.
I’m not in New England, but it usually costs a lot less than $500 to adopt cats from the humane society.
Anon
Not in New England but in a HCOL area, and shelters are so overrun with cats that the adoption fees are like $10. Dogs are in the $100-$200 range.
No Face
My local humane society literally has cat giveaways, but I’m in a small city in the Midwest so I was open to the idea that it can be more expensive elsewhere.
A
If you want to play martyr, go ahead. I’d say I don’t have the miles to fly two people up. That’s it.
Anon
I’d like to follow up on the morning thread re the situation in Israel. For those of you who think that Israel is now committing war crimes in response to the events over the weekend, what exactly is Israel’s response supposed to be?
Anon
I’m not that poster (nor do I agree) but I think she was saying Israel committed war crimes in the past, and that justifies the attack.
Anonymous
I’ll take the bait…
If you ask anyone who’s studied war, ethics or the ethics of war, the answer is clearly not to respond to war crimes with war crimes. You want to fight proportionally while always, always aiming to limit noncombatant casualties.
“War crimes” has a legal definition and military members can be hauled into the International Criminal Court. This isn’t some hypothetical thing that talking heads on tv or internet posters have just dreamt up. This is all very real law that legitimate militaries around the world are educated on. A good military will make sure that even the lowest private is aware of the rules of war. https://www.un.org/en/genocideprevention/war-crimes.shtml
Signed,
Former US Army officer, veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan
Anon
Thanks for this.
anon today
But when civilians are used as shields, and fighters hide in civilian infrastructure, how does one do this? This isn’t a theoretical exercise…
Anonymous
Army officer replying. Notice my framing was that one should “aim to limit” innocent victims. Two hundred years ago when you had Napoleon and the British lining up on big open fields and walking in straight lines toward each other, war was a much different thing. Today, in urban warfare – and in urban warfare when an enemy intentionally hides among noncombatants – the best you can do is to make the best decision you can with the information you have: do I reasonably believe with the intel I have that there are bad guys here? do I reasonably believe with the intel I have that there aren’t a bunch of women, children, and elderly here? will waiting for more intel allow me to make a more informed decision about this target or am I more likely to allow the enemy to escape? does the value of the enemy in this location outweigh the potential harm to nearby civilians? are there other targets available that would be as effective against the enemy with less effect on the civilian population? what is the most precise weapon available to me to strike this target?
People die in war; the best you can do is make the best decisions you can in the moment. “Collateral damage” is a sad but necessary phrase to describe the civilian lives destroyed in war.
Anon
Thank you for this! It of course makes sense that two wrongs don’t make a right (perhaps we need to send everyone back to preschool) Genuine question- what should Israel’s military strategy be to avoid committing war crimes?
Anon
Gallant said that he had ordered “a complete siege of the Gaza Strip,” which is home to 2.2 million Palestinians, nearly half of them children. “There will be no electricity, no food, no fuel, everything is closed,” he said. “We are fighting human animals, and we act accordingly.”
What Gallant ordered — the collective punishment of a civilian population — amounts to a war crime under international law, as well as potentially a crime against humanity and the crime of genocide.
Anon
I wonder how many people who live in Gaza outside of those technically in Hamas knew or suspected? If Hamas cares so much about those in Gaza strip why didn’t it tell the people there to prepare? Or why didn’t Hamas stockpile food and water on behalf of its people? If it has enough money for all of these weapons why not spend it on something more productive? Perhaps providing those things to Gaza would put the Israelis at risk? Also did no one who lives in Gaza notice this weapon stockpiling/training missions. See something, say something… also since Hamas purposely operates within civilian infrastructure it makes it quite challenging
Anon
Home to 2.2 million Palestinians, nearly half of them *children*
Anon
In general, deaths of civilians are not always war crimes. There is a responsibility not to target civilians and to take reasonable steps to mitigate civilian impact when they are not the target but you know they are at risk. The law of war recognizes that when an enemy chooses to operate from among the civilian population/in civilian infrastructure that noncombatants will be killed. So long as there is a legitimate military target and Israel makes reasonable efforts to mitigate impact to to civilians, resulting civilian deaths are legally considered the responsibility of Hamas (because they chose to operate from civilian facilities), not Israel.
What constitutes a legitimate military target and reasonable effort to mitigate civilian casualties is, obviously, the subject of a lot of debate, but there’s a lot of precedent on it.
Anonymous
Make precise moves to target combatants and avoid collateral damage. Work with (non-violent) leaders in Gaza and Palestine to improve conditions. Cease attacking people who are just trying to live their lives. All of these things make recruitment for Hamas and similar groups harder.
Anon
Why did Hamas launch such a vicious attack (make no mistake that rape as a weapon of war is being encouraged) if it was interested in improving living conditions?
Anonymous
Hamas is not interested in improving living conditions. They’re radicalized and what they did/are doing is awful. But there are other people there. Wouldn’t the next generation be more likely to avoid joining if they’re not seen as enemies from the moment they’re born?
By describing all Palestinians as ‘human animals’ and depriving them of food and fuel, Israel will be not only probably committing a war crime under the legal definition, it’s also giving people no reason to try to cooperate.
Hamas did a bad thing in the past. Israel has a choice in the present.
Anon
You still seem to be arguing that two wrongs make a right.
Anonymous
The combatants are deliberately mixed in with civilians. Hamas is not interested in peace.
Anon
Or in saving lives. It doesn’t make a blockade okay (I agree it would be a new war crime), but let’s not pretend Hamas cares about the kids who won’t have food.
Anonymous
The alternative is to acknowledge that there is no military solution to the conflict and take steps towards ending the occupation. Israel could pursue Hamas to the Gaza border, engage Egypt/the UAE/the Saudis to broker a hostage exchange, and build from there. But of course, Netanyahu himself has fostered the growth of Hamas over the years – they suit his needs and I can’t imagine him changing course.
Anonymous
So you’re saying Hamas invades, rapes, murders, kills. And the only acceptable response from Israel is to say oops our bad here would you like half of our country and a cookie?
Anon
Have you seen a map of the territory over the past 75 years???
Anon
Israel could leave Gaza and leave behind functioning infrastructure to grow food and manufacture things people need so that the Gazans could use that infrastructure to feed themselves, conduct commerce for profit etc.
Oh, wait, Israel did that in 2005 and Hamas blew up all the infrastructure so that no one could use it. Like, literally with bombs,
Anon
I didn’t know that. Wow.
Anon
Yup, a lot of progressives don’t know that.
Anon
https://www.adl.org/resources/backgrounder/disengagement
https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna9331863
Just a couple links. I am sure you can read about this everywhere.
Vicky Austin
A very low-stakes travel q: my ILs are planning a family Ireland + Edinburgh trip in the fall of 2025. Six adults plus DS who will be 2.5 by then. I’ll post on the moms page tomorrow, but want to know what things everyone has enjoyed in those places, with or without kids.
Anon
I haven’t been either of those places with kids, but just want to say I think it’s great you’re doing this. You’ll probably get some naysayers who say you should wait, but we took our kid to Europe a couple times around that age and it was great. Hard at times, but so much fun and worth it. And you have a great adult:child ratio :)
(Also I’m impressed at your family’s advance planning! I thought I was on it because I have my trips planned through fall 2024 but I haven’t started on 2025 yet.)
Vicky Austin
Ha, the advance planning can all be laid at the feet of my MIL, who missed her calling as a travel agent, really. That plus family wedding next summer has us looking that far out. But I appreciate the kind words on all fronts!
KS IT Chick
Edinburgh: The Chocolatrium. Educational in that they talk about the history of chocolate. Fun in that you gett to make your own custom chocolate bar and taste all sorts of amazing chocolate!
Anon
I’m from Edinburgh! Lots of the obvious tourist stuff is fun (the castle, climbing Arthur’s Seat, ). Be prepared for how touristy the Royal Mile is, but Victoria Street/the Grassmarket are lovely. The botanic gardens are fun as is Jupiter Artland. Mary Kings Close is fun but too scary for a 2.5 yo. I’d go to Glen Coe if you can fit in a trip. The National Museum of Scotland is good fun and right next to Greyfriars’s bobby which is always a hit with kids. The Georgian House or Gladstone’s land are fun if you’re into history. The Scottish Parliament is also interesting and usually free to visit. I’m not a huge fan of Dynamic Earth but it is popular.
Anononon
I’ll go with a thing I the opposite of enjoyed: Lugging a stroller up and down all the hills in Edinburgh. That city is one of my favorites — get thee to a Rick Steve’s book and do everything he recommends for first timers — but it is all hills and lots of cobblestone in the tourist areas. You want the lightest, easiest stroller you can find for that 2.5 YO. Other than that, you’ll have a fabulous time!
If there’s a chance to ditch the kiddo and have a date night out, Bramble is one of my favorite cocktail bars anywhere. If anyone in the family is a whisky buff, Devil’s Advocate has a huge selection. (Both in Edinburgh)
Sallyanne
How exciting! We traveled with our daughter internationally starting at 1 because of her adoption- a whole different type of trip… But since then she has been to many countries and every zoo possible. We were in Edinburgh prior to covid (and she was a high schooler) but she loved the zoo there. It happened to be one of the few in the world with pandas.
Anon
We just returned from Dublin where we had so much fun with kids 2.5 and 4.5. So many great playgrounds, “fairy walks,” castles, the zoo… they even loved the public transportation (double decker buses! Woo!). Have a great time!
Tired
I am a partner at a small firm (20 lawyers). I’m the only person who does XYZ work. Two associates have helped in small ways. XYZ practice area is insanely busy right now – way busier than any other year. I am physically feeling the impact of the stress of working so much – I’ve lost muscle due to eating so much junk food and not making time to work out, I’ve missed some family events, lately my mind is racing at night and I am having trouble sleeping. I think everything should slow down as year end approaches but I don’t know how to get through it. I know CPAs and others have major work spikes- maybe they weather it better because it is a predictable time of year? I don’t know what I want – advice for how to get through a feast (not famine) cycle? How to delegate when it seems like it would not be worth the time/energy? How to prioritize sleep when I’m stressed? I am billing 250-300 hour months and my usual is 150. I know other people do this regularly but I am so tired.
Anonymous
Turn down the work
Anon
Following and commiserating. I’m at a bigger firm/practice group but in a similar boat. It’s miserable.
I talked to my doctor and got pills for when my mind started racing at night and kept me from sleeping (in the limited time I have to sleep). It’s definitely helped. Would love to hear coping mechanisms from others though.
Anon
Is it at all possible to bring in a specialist from another firm? Hire someone on a contract basis? Simply turn it down and refer it out to a different firm?
Anonymous
Can you enlist some of your partners to do this work, even if it’s not normally their thing? This feels like an “all hands on deck” moment and surely some of them are slow right now.
Anonymous
Are there any former associates who know your area who might be willing to come in on a contract basis? Someone out of the work force for family reasons?
Anonymous
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Longer term, I do recommend getting your associates trained so they can help or finding a back up who can help on a contract basis. Do you have any partners who can help with any aspect of the work even if they’re in a different practice area? Also, are these your clients and are you getting credit for the collections? If not, I recommend you talk to the partner who “owns” the client about your capacity and brainstorm solutions that don’t involve you working twice as much as your normal target.
For the near term, here are a few tips from my time doing M&A in Biglaw (where the peaks were somewhat unpredictable but could easily involve multiple 250-300 months in a row):
-When you’re working that much, you cannot do family or social events unless they’re a few hours on Saturday night. It’s sad, but I found it easier to accept that I was not going to get to go to things so it would be a pleasant surprise if it worked out.
-Cut back on absolutely everything but the essentials at home.
-I don’t know if you have kids, pets or other responsibilities that require you to be home. If not, I found it helpful to start a bit later and stay at the office until quite late at night to knock out work without interruption from phones or email. I continued to do this 1-2 nights a week after I had kids (but didn’t have a luxury of a later start the next morning). I would take a break at around 5:30, go for a run from the office, change into comfortable clothes and work until 2am. Note: this is terrible for your long term health, but it could be a good way to bridge this busy period.
-If you have a (life) partner and you have a guest room, I recommend sleeping there on weeknights so you can do a relaxing bedtime even if you’re going to bed long after your partner and so you can turn on the light and read (or watch an asmr video on YouTube or something) when you wake up in the middle of the night.
-I used to keep a notepad and pen on my bedside table to write down the “to-dos” that I’d fret over in the middle of the night. Knowing they were down on paper let my mind calm down.
Finally, once this busy period is over, I recommend you sit down and draft out a plan of attack for future busy periods. Billing 250-300 hours a month is not sustainable without the resources that a Biglaw income can bring — even then, it’s really only possible if you’re someone who needs almost no sleep, is very efficient and can easily switch your mindset from work to play/rest.
Anon
What kind of comfortable-ish shoes would you wear with a cocktail dress in cold weather? I feel like I should know the answer but I’m drawing a blank. Everything I have is open toe.
Moose
Dressy boots