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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 219 Comments · by

Tuesday’s TPS Report: Augustini Fold Neck Tailored Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Reiss Augustini Fold Neck Tailored Dress, Cobalt Reiss always has such beautiful dresses — it’s easy to see why the brand is a favorite of Kate Middleton. I’m loving this fold neck dress (available in cobalt and black), which has something that is so hard to find in sheath dresses: a v-neck that is low enough to be flattering, but not so low that you’ll have to wear a camisole. I think the intricate folds are cool, as well as the seaming, and I like the sleeves. It’s $340 at Reiss — but it’s worth noting that it’s only £179 at John Lewis, a UK store (about $280 before international shipping — n.b. the different sizing if you buy). Reiss Augustini Fold Neck Tailored Dress, Cobalt Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)  

Workwear sales of note for 12.7.23

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Sending a framed photo

    KodakGallery used to have a service where you could upload a digital photo, pick out a frame, and they’d print the photo and put it in the frame before shipping. Shutterfly is now my go to online photo processor since KodakGallery has gone out of business, but they don’t seem to do this. Does anyone know of a website that does?

      • ac

        Yep — I’ve done this several times and been pleased with the results. It may end up being a little more expensive than printing and having the items framed, but avoids the “several months of sitting on my desk unframed before I actually take care of framing” issue that most of my photo prints experience.

    • Sending a framed photo

      Thanks everyone, just used Snapfish to order my framed picture. I love doing this for gifts — makes a great thank you gift after you’ve been a guest at someone’s house or on a trip to send a photo you took while you were together.

      • I am a banana.

        +1. Not anywhere close to Catholic and I really am impressed with the guy and enjoy reading about him.

    • Cultural Catholic

      That is really cool.

      I have a Catholic-related question. My mom sent me a bunch of stuff to clear out her basement, including my consecrated baptismal candle. I’m an agnostic/atheist, low on storage space, and don’t want to keep it. Yet, throwing the consecrated candle in the trash feels very disrespectful–kind of like throwing away an American flag. Websites say to burn the candle but it’s broken in a few places and so this would be a fire hazard. What should I do with this Blessed Candle? Would a Catholic Church accept it for proper disposal (like the VFW for American flags)?

      • Nonny

        I’m not Catholic so don’t know if this would be too disrespectful, but if it is broken you could melt it down on the stove, get a new wick and re-form it – then you could burn it.

      • Quasi Minimalist (and Catholic)

        Dispose. Your true feelings are in your heart, not in a piece of wax.

          • Cultural Catholic

            Yes, agreed. It’s not so much my feelings or belief. It’s that I respect that others believe that God blessed this candle. If I assigned similar value to an object, I’d appreciate that others respect it. It’s more of a “do unto others” than “what I believe”.

      • OfCounsel

        You can call you local Diocese. I know my church would accept something like that for proper disposal.

      • OfCounsel

        You can call your local Diocese. I know my church would accept something like that for proper disposal.

  3. Anon

    What should I wear with a dark red suit? I don’t like wearing it with white or black.

  4. Diana Barry

    I loooooooooove this dress (despite the color!). Love it! I must go to the Reiss store sometime and try everything on!

  5. Anon

    Any encouraging IUI stories? I’m doing it this week and am obsessing about the low success rate.

    • sharpest

      I haven’t done it myself, but I read a lot of anecdata of IUI being the magic trick that gets everything working. If you’re looking for stories, I would suggest looking at the soul cysters TTC forum (google soul cysters). It’s for people with PCOS, but even if you don’t have it, it can be helpful to read about other people’s TTC struggles. You have to register to read some of the private threads, which is worthwhile. Good luck.

    • Batgirl

      I have one story–a friend who ended up with the cutest twins you’ll ever meet after her first try!

      Good luck!

    • TBK

      My friend used it and has a beautiful baby girl after the first go. I think the success rate can depend heavily on why you’re having trouble conceiving. My friend had a kind of wonky opening to her uterus that was probably not letting enough sperm in, so clearly it was the perfect solution for her. We skipped right to IVF because we had no idea what the trouble was.

    • Anon

      One of my friends did this and now has two beautiful girls. It took a couple of cycles and tries the first time around and then she got pregnant “the old-fashioned way” as she says, the second time around. (And was shocked since it took quite a while and help the first time!)

    • IUI

      My sweet, awesome 13 month old son, and my bestie’s sweet, awesome 18 month son. I got preggers the second time, and my friend was pregnant after her first one.

      Good luck! Thoughts are with you – try to schedule a lot of fun things over the next two weeks to get your mind off the two week wait :) (and, at least a reminder to me, try not to get too sucked into message boards exclusively focused on TTC – they can be a dark hole if you are already struggling a little bit).

  6. Ellie

    I really like this dress, it’s beautiful, like so many dresses by Reiss … my only concern and why I haven’t ordered anything yet is that I’m unsure about their sizing. According to their sizing chart, their size 4 (UK size) runs quite small compared to many other brands – but I’ve read many online reviews by other ladies advising to go up one size in Reiss because they run quite big. But then, I’ve read once their 4 runs a bit like theory 0 (which fits me perfectly) … and I’m still confused … :(

    • Statutesq

      I think UK sizes are two sizes up from US sizes. So if a Theory 0 fits you perfectly, a Reiss 4 will probably fit you too. I find the fit similar to Theory too, very narrowly cut (meaning I can’t wear Theory or Reiss w/out major alterations) but someone needs to wear these gorgeous dresses!

    • Anonymous

      I also where a 0 in Theory clothes. I will check the sizing of my Reiss dresses tonight and report back.

    • s-non

      If you have to go up one size wouldn’t that be because their clothing runs small? That is my experience with all UK brands.

      • Ellie

        You’re right. I’m sorry! In my own world of thinking, going up a size means taking the smaller one, but of course, that’s not quite correct. I was referring to a statement in one online forum where someone said she was usually a 10, but takes a 8 in Reiss, and where another lady said Reiss is cut “generously”. I’ve mixed it up it seems :(
        It might very well be that UK brands are generally cut smaller than US brands, so compared to maybe some other UK brands, Reiss is cut more generously than other, but compared to US brands, Reiss still comes very tiny – thank you Statutesq, I haven’t even thought about that!

        • Lyra Silvertongue

          I find Reiss to run quite narrow on the hips when ordering my normal US/UK size

    • Ellen

      +1, exept the neckline is too low and Frank would be standeing over me stareing at by boobies. I would hate to have to wear a cami just to stop the stareing. FOOEY b/c he is MARRIED! He can look at his wife, not me.

      Willem keeps calling here. I gave him my cell but he keeps calling and Lynn is thinking this is not work. I do not want the Manageing partner to think I am stealing Willem as a cleint from him and Madeline, tho it would be good if he gives ME new work. Yay!

    • Monday

      I’ve been fine with every brand I’ve tried, honestly. Klorane is nice if you’re willing to spend the money, but Pssst and Dove are pretty similar. I usually get whatever is on sale.

    • Terry

      Oscar Biandi is great, but pricey. At the lower end I like Treseme but didn’t care for Suave.

      • eek

        I like this brand. Sephora sells little bottles of it, which last forever and are great for traveling.

      • Maddie Ross

        Conversely, I like the Suave a lot (the Keratin one, not as much the original), but do not like the Treseme. It’s really thick. Psst is my favorite. And Oscar Biandi is decent, but the travel size are awesome (the only other travel size I’ve found is Treseme, which again, is too thick and sticky for me).

    • Traditionalist

      +1 on Psst. I find that Tresemme makes my hair kind of sticky/gummy so I only use it in a real pinch.

        • Traditionalist

          I’m not sure; I usually order it off Amazon. But I’m out of Psst right now so I’ll see where I can find it this week and report back.

        • L

          Yes. It’s always on the bottom shelf and sort of hidden near the fancier dry shampoos.

          • Maggie

            I have bought both Pssst and Dove at Walgreens. I switched over to Dove because I prefer the scent. Someone once even complimented me that my hair smelled good and little did they know it was day 2 since shampooing! The Pssst smells kind of unpleasant to me.

    • Wildkitten

      Where do you buy it? I never see it at Target. Is it not in the shampoo section? TIA.

      • Anonymous

        Oddly enough, I buy PSSST at Urban Outfitters. Its the only place I’ve seen it not online.

    • hr girl

      My favourite dry shampoo is “Blow Faux Dry Shampoo”. It’s non aerosol and the bottle lasts forever. It doesn’t smell overly weird like some other brands either.

    • Brooklyn Paralegal

      I don’t think brand matters at all for dry shampoo, they all do effectively the same thing. I like “Not Your Mothers” (at drugstores). Cheap and it doesn’t smell really gross.

    • Orangerie

      I’ve tried a ton of them (ranging from low to very high-end) and my favorite is Batiste. Costs like $6 at Walgreens. Ojon and Klorane also make great ones, but I go through bottles really quickly so I’m not too keen on the price tag.

    • Lyra Silvertongue

      Lush! I put their “No Drought” on before bed and brush my hair when I wake up and it looks awesome! Application is a bit messy but worth it.

  8. Billing burnout

    I made the depressing mistake of adding up the hours that I have billed this year, and I realized that I am on track to easily bill 2300 this year. This problably explains why I am feeling so burned out and lack the energy to have any life outside of work.

    I know that many of you work just as many (if not more) hours than I do. How do you do it? What coping mechanisms do you use? How do you find time to do chores, run errands, and make time to see friends/family?

    Relatedly, what do you think is the maximum amount of hours an attorney can bill without losing her sanity?

    • MJ

      That’s a lot…

      First, you need to book a weeklong vacation IMMEDIATELY for Oct, Nov or December and start advising everyone about it now. That’s one way to maintain sanity–have a goal.

      As to coping mechanisms…(1) outsource everything you can–dry-cleaning pickup, laundry, housecleaning, shopping (hey there Amazon!); (2) Set up friend dates at times you realistically won’t be called into the office (Sunday morning brunch, Friday night drinks, etc.) if you have any visibility into your workload. (3) Tell your friends and family that you’re cranking really hard this year–they can’t sympathize unless they have more than a general understanding that you “work hard” (4) Build “sanity breaks” into your day…whether it’s running downstairs for coffee, a walk around the block, grabbing lunch with a friend (not even eating together…just 10 mins to vent is great if you are slammed) (5) Build time in for you–gymmage, a haircut, a massage after a deal closes…something to look forward to.

      In terms of chores, I try to keep lists of what has not gotten done, so that I can have a “power” weekend morning and bang it all out. If I am not efficient, the chores take up what precious free time I have, and then I get even more depressed that I didn’t do anything fun in the limited hours I was away from the office.

      Also, I know that this is not always the case, but take 5 minutes each day (during your commute is ideal) to think of what tasks you could outsource for the day to other staff–your assistant, a good paralegal, junior attorneys…you need to think about what you could get off your own plate and delegate to others. It’s fine for you to review others’ work–you don’t have to do it all yourself, especially if you are in a biglaw firm with other resources.

      Finally, and this is a doozy….evaluate how long you want to keep working such hours or whether the long-hours are going to end (case closing, deal signing, etc.). You need to have a long term mindset of “I can do this for 3 years to pay off my loans” or “I will do this until I have enough experience to lateral” so that you can crank through the hard times.

      Good luck–you are not alone.

    • Anonymous

      Im also on track to bill 2300 this year and it pretty much sucks even though I like my colleagues and the work I do. I make a point of going to the gym early every morning to preserve my sanity. I also strive to be home at 7:30 for dinner and take a couple hours off to hang out with my baby and my husband before getting back to work after the baby goes to bed. I also carve out weekend mornings for family time. I’ve delegated all chores to my spouse so any time that I am not working is spent doing things I want to do. hang in there!

    • cbackson

      For me, the key is to really use and enjoy my free time. I need to feel like I have a life outside of work, and I need breaks. I live really near the office, so if I’m going to pull a long night, I go home for an hour to eat and change clothes. On the weekend, it’s important to me to make plans, even if I can only partially keep them. So even if I will have to work all afternoon Sunday, I go to Sunday School and church Sunday morning. I may not be able to stay for the entire three-hour brunch my friends have scheduled on Saturday, but I go for part of it. I’m on track for 2400 this year, and occasionally, I’m exhausted and burnt out, but in general, I’m energized by my work, and I think that’s because I’ve made a point of having a vibrant and engaging life outside of work

      That, and I don’t do anything that I don’t want to. I outsource every household task I can (cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.).

      • Bewitched

        I didn’t see that as snark. Hipbones can protrude if one angles his/her body in a certain way, no? I also agree with Marilla that the protrusion interferes with my visualization of the dress (much like other folks who comment on how a model’s vacant expression influences their view of a garment). Lots of different ways to look at many comments on this blog :)

        • emeralds

          I can see Marilla’s comment having been meant in a number of ways, snarky or not, and I won’t speculate as to what she meant. But I think it’s a helpful moment to remind ourselves that women have different bodies; that all bodies are equally worthy of respect; and that, in a supportive community, we should be mindful of our language and tone when discussing bodies, since there are women of all shapes and sizes reading.

          I am thin. I would never, ever, ever say that I am not privileged to be thin, in a society that values the body type I happened to fluke into, and attaches hurtful, negative stigma and shame to larger women’s bodies. However, sometimes I am still hurt by the idea that “real women” have curves, and that because I have protruding bones, I am not a “real woman” and that someone would be uncomfortable with what is just a thing my body does (e.g. sometimes my hipbones stick out, if I stand certain ways or haven’t eaten breakfast yet). I am not personally offended by Marilla’s comment, or by yours, but again, I think it’s important to remember that not everyone is coming from the same place and that we should think about the way we phrase things.

          • Marilla

            For what it’s worth, I absolutely don’t buy the idea that “real women have curves.” Women have all types of different bodies and builds and presentations and all of them are real and valid. And as a thin person (although less dramatically so now than when I was in my teens and early 20s, just as a function of normal shifts), I know how uncomfortable it is to get the intrusive comments about “are you eating enough? you are SOOO thin! I just LOVE your figure!” I apologize if I triggered any of that discomfort in anyone. As you can see in my comment below, I guess this is still something I’m turning over in my head and has a lot of aspects, including personal (adjusting to NOT being a person with protruding hipbones has been sort of odd and is making me work out some of my own personal body image issues) and societal – gender expectations, beauty norms – and also just plan practical (clothing fit!).

          • emeralds

            No worries! Again, as I said, I wasn’t personally offended by your comment, just saw the thread as a place to stand on my body acceptance soapbox/make a PSA :) And I totally agree with your thoughts on the fashion industry’s refusal to show clothing on a range of body types and sizes (did you see Tim Gunn’s rant about this a few weeks ago? I think it was on the HuffPo). I would actually love to see more discussion about this type of thing here, since I think it’s an important intersection between fashion (the point of this blog) and professional women’s life experiences (the point of 85% of the comments).

      • Marilla

        Sorry, I absolutely didn’t mean it as body snark but I agree I didn’t express myself so clearly. What I really meant to say/should have said is that when clicking over to zoom in on the dress, the hipbones sort of made me question how the dress would fit – is it so tight/body-conscious that hipbones would jut out? Meaning that it would not be so great on a person with curves. Or is it just an awkward stance on the part of the model?

        That train of thought also did send me off into a thought process about changing standards of beauty and how it does make me sad that models and actresses are expected to be so thin nowadays, when even 15 years ago Hollywood seemed much more “normal.” And we can’t ever see how dresses might look on slightly more average builds, or expect skirts and dresses to be actually designed to accommodate hips…. but that was a totally other, irrelevant point.

  10. Calibrachoa

    Love the dress… darn you, Reiss, for being out of my range!

    I am being v. nervous about approaching my boss asking him for the new title but darn it, the amount of stuff I do that fall s outside my specified duties and the overtime and everything else makes me feel like I do so have a decent case for it. Hopefully he will have the time to see me before my resolve weakens.

  11. zora

    I’m on Capitol Hill for work this week, and just like always am extremely amused by the Massive range of outfit choices in the hallways/cafeterias. the most interesting are usually the younger employees in groups of lobbyists. But also the super casual (citizen/volunteer) lobbyists. I love things like a tweed sheath dress with brown flat sandals that are basically falling apart … or a denim jackety thing being worn as a blazer over a maxi skirt.

    on the other hand I have seen a million patent nude-for-them pumps all over, they are becoming as ubiquitous as the black boots in the winter. And way more women and staffers wearing professional looking flats. I think I’m going to abandon heels next time and upgrade my flats wardrobe. YAY FLATS!!

    • Another B

      This morning as I waited to cross the street there was a woman, in fully makeup and with a nice leather purse, in leggings topped with a black blazer. I think she was trying to do the skinny ponte work pants ala audrey hepburn, but these fit more like runner’s leggings… yikes!

  12. Diana Barry

    BAKING QUESTION:

    Can anyone share what you think is the best dairy-free substitute for butter, able to whip up? I need to make a dairy-free frosting, already have the cake recipe.

    • Anon for this

      Earth Balance performs beautifully. We buy the one that is both dairy and soy-free (allergies) and I’ve successfully made frosting with it.

    • Veronique

      I only use butter, but butter-flavored Crisco is a pretty common substitute in American buttercream, especially when it’s hot.

    • n.

      I recommend Earth Balance — I use this all the time to make vegan frosting, and it always works well. Another idea (if it works with the cake you have in mind) is to use coconut oil — it makes a wonderful rich frosting.

    • I'm Just Me

      You could use a dairy free margarine (Earth Balance is readily available), or make a ganache, or make a meringue frosting.

    • AEK

      This is a job for marshmallow. Mmmm. I believe Martha has a good marshmallow frosting recipe. Some others have milk or butter in them, so you’d have to poke around a bit.

      • Diana Barry

        Thanks, all! Has anyone tried the Earth Balance for purposes of traveling without refrigeration? I am anticipating about a 6-8 hour delay/travel time with the cake.

        • Godzilla

          Yes, I’ve used Earth Balance to frost cupcakes and left them out on the counter overnight – they were fine the next day (and the day after and the day after [I made a lot of cupcakes]).

    • Brooklyn Paralegal

      I third Earth Balance. I also use the soy free one that Anon for this mentioned above. I was vegan for two years and made cupcakes frequently. Also, if you want dairy free cream cheese frosting, tofutti cream cheese is great.

    • anne-on

      Coconut oil if you’re making it yourself. If you’re making cupcakes for kids (or people who aren’t snobby) most duncan hines mixes and frostings are diary free, that’s what I use for school parties for my son who is dairy allergic.

  13. Mountain Girl

    I bought pantyhose to wear to a wedding on Saturday.

    What exactly would be the difference between sheer tights and colored hose – particularly if the color in question is black or dark brown?

    • Veronique

      Hose is usually sheerer than sheer tights, but it really depends on the denier (sheerness) of both.

    • Kelly

      Sheer tights aren’t really a thing. (Which doesn’t mean that some brands don’t use this terminology anyway.) There are varying levels of opacity for tights, but I think truly sheer=hose/nylons.

  14. 2nd dog?

    Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who offered advice and things to consider about getting a second dog while pregnant.

    After a great test weekend, we bit the bullet and brought our new little lady home on Saturday. She’s a one-year \-old lab, and a great addition. The two dogs got along swimmingly, and are each other’s best buds. (My yard, on the other hand, is suffering tremendously from their enthusiastic play). I can see how two large-ish dogs may not be right for every family, but for these two, and our family, its a great fit.

    • mascot

      Glad it is working out. Two can be a handful sometimes, but most days we can’t imagine only having one.

    • emeralds

      Glad it’s working out! I dream of the day I can get my fluffball a (hopefully not quite as fluffy, because vacuuming) friend :)

  15. Anonymous

    What high-end brands do you think are worth the money in terms of material quality, stitching quality, classic cuts that last years and look polished? Based on our discussions of quality vs. quantity, I’m trying to improve the quality of my wardrobe.

    My existing higher end items (suits/dresses) are from Theory, but I haven’t been very impressed with the quality, and I’m not a huge fan of the material, and their cuts aren’t great for my shape usually.

    • ss

      My own 2 cents is that brands are the wrong place to start the search – most ready-to-wear clothing companies are design/ marketing businesses which out-source manufacturing. At the lower end, it is entirely possible to farm out fabric-sourcing and distribution as well. At the higher end, a ‘Made in Italy’ designer label is no guarantee that the garment wasn’t made by a Chinese-owned factory located in Italy with Bangladeshi workers. For pretty much any brand, this year’s great jacket may well be made from at a different factory next year, with the raw materials ‘optimised’ to reflect next year’s commodity prices.

      I’d advise getting to know your product, rather than its brand. What’s good fit? What’s good fabric ? How is a jacket constructed ? If there’s a friendly garmento in your life, get him or her to explain why the difference between $6 and 60 per metre wool suiting. If not, take a gander yourself at a well-stocked fabric shop or haberdashery.

      But if pushed on a brand, I think Max Mara does a good job at professional wear. I bought a cashmere coat from one of their lower-priced lines a few years ago because it was precisely what I wanted (unlined body, no shoulder pads, good on top of a jacket) and was really cross to find a made in China tag after I got it home. It looked fine and had all the usual attentive details (lined arms, double-sewn buttons etc), but I thought ‘uh oh this is going to be an out-sourced disaster’. But it has actually held up great. So here is one label that seems to be able to supervise an extended global supply chain.

      I’d also add Chanel which is made in France and pretty much entirely in their own factories, I think. My dressmaker has opened up a couple of my old jackets from there to reduce their early-90s shoulder pads, and we’ve both marvelled at the smart details inside. But my mind boggles at their current pricing.

      On the opposite end … Armani. My few items have been ok but my husband has had cotton shirts whose collars have given out faster than the no-name ones he’s picked up while on the road.

      • Ellie

        I generally like the cut of MaxMara pieces, but I have noticed some of their newer collection isn’t made of great fabric if this is what you care for. Some of their fabric they use in suits and dresses do consist of polyester and nylon mainly with little to no virgin wool. While the fabric is mostly still wrinkle resistant, they are less tolerant against body smell, so in my experience, you need to clean those pieces more often. For suits and dresses that could only be drycleaned, I find this intolerable at this price point.

      • Nonny

        ss makes some excellent and very thoughtful points. I agree with respect to Max Mara (no experience with the other brands she mentions) – I have a coat from there that is so beautifully constructed, it has made me a convert for life, or as long as they maintain their quality, anyway. I’m not in the market to buy any more Max Mara at the moment, but I know I will when the time comes.

        Someone else mentioned Elie Tahari. I don’t know about their supply chain, but I have a very well-made black sheath dress from them that I would buy 10 of in different colours if I could. When not pregnant, I wear it at least once a week and it has held up extremely well indeed.

        (On the other hand, I sometimes go to my local high-end department store and look at some items of clothing that cost $500 or more – DvF, I’m looking at you – and find they aren’t even properly lined. Come on, guys, if I want to spend that much on an item of clothing that I’m going to wear for years, it had better be well-made.)

        • k-padi

          I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this of DvF. Such low quality at such high prices!

  16. Help/Advice for aging parent

    ‘Rettes, I could use some advice from the hive, sorry for the long post. My father is showing signs of cognitive decline. I live a state away. My sister, who is bipolar and lives in New Mexico, arrived unexpectedly at a family reunion in July after not visiting for 10 years. She and my parents have always had a rocky relationship (my mother is deceased). My sister insisted on moving in with my father to take care of him after the reunion, my father was fine with this for several weeks but now more than a month later has asked her to leave. My sister has refused, saying ‘she loves my dad and needs to be there for him’.

    Today, my sister told me she was going to get a court order to make decisions for my father. I don’t know what to do – my father seems to be cognitively worse when my sister is around, my sister has been saying all kinds of crazy things like that his house is haunted, or that he thinks she is being inhabited by my mom (what?!), she yells that ‘she is in charge now, and my father is no longer in charge’. She was diagnosed as bipolar more than a decade ago but no one has ever been able to get her to address it and she won’t acknowledge that it is even an issue, as a result of these behaviors she divorced about 7 years ago and her kids no longer communicate with her.

    I want to protect my father, but I also recognize he truly is no longer able to make decisions for himself and care for himself. I don’t think my sister is the right person to do it, but don’t know how to stop her. My father keeps confusing my sister & me for the same person. Any advice appreciated, I am worried sick!

    • One idea

      Wow, this sounds really hard, especially since you’re not living nearby. I would suggest a geriatric assessment for your father, to get a better idea of how he’s doing physically and mentally. That was extremely helpful with my father. I don’t think your sister can get a court order without some sort of documentation that your father cannot make his own decisions.

    • Anon

      I think it’s time for you to talk to a lawyer. I would ask a) what kind of legal action might your sister take b) how can you be involved and c) what are your options for taking charge of at least some of your father’s affairs, with or without his cooperation. It seems like you have two goals: first, making sure your sister can’t make your father’s life unpleasant and second, making sure you have the power to make it pleasant. The second goal can mean, in the short term, helping him find a house cleaner, making sure he’s getting dinner, etc, and, in the long term, may mean things like assisted living. FWIW (and the reason I’m anon for this) I have a power-of-attorney for my father. He freely gave it to me knowing that I’m responsible and won’t use it unless needed.

    • Silvercurls

      The New York Times site, in the Health section, includes a feature called “The New Old Age” which tackles all sorts of subjects concerning elders, aging, and caregiving both from afar and from close by. This includes downsizing, moving, hiring and retaining in-home help, navigating difficult emotional territory, and other social, legal, medical (both physical and mental health care), and logistical considerations. The comments which follow each article are as helpful as the articles themselves because people refer to blogs, web sites, and local and regional vendors, service providers, and advocacy organizations.

      That said, I second the advice from Anon at 12:10 p.m. to talk to a lawyer to ensure that “your sister can’t make your father’s life unpleasant…and you have the power to make it pleasant.” Good luck, and take care of yourself as well.

    • Anonymous

      Without outing myself call the Alzheimer’s helpline (24/7 Helpline: 1.800.272.3900). They can give you guidance on where to go (local to you/local to your father) and help you sort things out.

    • Anon

      aw, hugs – this sounds rough. I don’t know if this is possible for you, but when I had a different but still crazy stressful situation in my family and couldn’t be there, I called on my little cousin to step in. Do you have any other family? It was honestly a last resort, I needed someone to step in and be a voice of reason to my dad, because he wasn’t listening to me over the phone. I never would have pegged him as responsible (still dont, lol) but my cousin did follow through on what I asked him to do. Sometimes people step up in these situations, especially if you frame it as “we are the only people in this family who can deal with this right now”.

      anyway, just wanted to say hang in there! families are so rough some times.

      • OP

        There really isn’t anyone else, unfortunately. We have a small, not very close extended family. My father has a sort-of girlfriend who might be able to chime in, so I may reach out to her.

    • TBK

      I agree that you need to get to a lawyer, right away. Family court may also appoint your father a guardian ad litem (if he’s found to be mentally incompetant, which would be a separate proceeding). This person is usually an attorney and is there to represent the interests of the incompetant person. That means that it wouldn’t matter if your father couldn’t represent his own interests. The guardian’s job would be to introduce evidence about what would be the best environment for your father. If your sister has a history of mental health problems, the guardian would most likely raise that with the judge, who would take it into consideration when determining whether your sister could act on behalf of your father.

      • Anonymous

        A guardian ad litem is only appointed to represent a person’s interest in a specific proceeding that they are involved in. Unless there is a different, underlying proceeding (probate of a will, civil action where her dad was a party) then her sister is seeking an actual guardianship (not a guardian ad litem)

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know what state this is all happening in, but it sounds like your sister wants to become your father’s guardian. She would likely need to initiate a court proceeding to do this (which can be costly) and you can likely oppose this action and/or suggest that he needs a guardian, but that a different person be appointed as guardian. The court will also likely appoint an independent evaluator to determine: 1) whether your father really does need a guardian (courts are hesitant to revoke an individuals legal rights without due consideration); and 2) who is the best person to be that guardian.

      Now, another option is to have your father sign a power of attorney giving someone other than your sister the power. He can only do this if he is still able to cognitively understand that he is doing so.

      Above all else, talk to a lawyer, preferably someone in the state where your father is located.

      • Bewitched

        I’ve been involved with guardianship procedures, and this is spot on.

        Also, check to see if your father’s state has a version of Adult Protective Services. They can offer guidance/assistance, even in situations where the risk to the older adult comes from a family member.

    • OP

      Thank you all for your replies and advice. This is obviously an emotional issue, and it has been difficult for me to think clearly. I want what will be best for my father, and will follow up on these suggestions.

  17. Anon

    Anyone have luck getting a drycleaner or a seamstress to sew a snap onto silk blouses? I have a couple beautiful blouses in a silk georg3tte but they either gape or don’t button up high enough. I just don’t want to ruin the blouse!

    • hoola hoopa

      I’m a home seamstress, and sewing a small snap into the button placket should be no issue at all. Without a button placket, it could vary from easy to impossible depending on the blouse, but it sounds like you’re thinking of button-ups. They can probably help with modesty/fit if snaps don’t work for a non-placket blouse.

    • Hel-lo

      There have been previous posts on this site about button-front blouses, and many suggested this snap option. It seems like it would be very easy to do by tailor, and probably by many of us who are good with a needle.

  18. New Non-Drinker

    I made the decision to stop drinking recently. I’m not religious, not an alcoholic and not pregnant – I just felt it would be better for my mental and physical health to not drink. Giving up alcohol has been easy but I’ve noticed my friendships and have changed and it feels like a lot of friends have dropped me. People call me to hang out way less than they used to and accept my invitations with way less frequency. I’m confused because we are almost 30 and its not like our social lives revolve around going out to bars and getting hammered. Before I stopped drinking, I mostly saw my friends for dinners, brunches and gatherings in people’s houses. Alcohol was often present but getting drunk was not the point or so I thought. I have repeatedly told my friends that it is cool with me if they drink in front of me at meals or parties where I am not drinking but they seem reluctant to do so, so I miss out on invites to a lot of things where alcohol will be involved. I have tried inviting friends to do things where alcohol would not normally be involved such as getting pedicures and although I have had friends agree to come I get the sense they are doing it out of obligation or pity. I feel like we are not as connected as we were. There seem to be a lot of stories and inside jokes formed during tipsy moments and now when I hang out with people I feel like an outsider.

    Anyone have any suggestions? Is this inevitable when you stop drinking? Will I have to only hang out with sober people for the rest of my life? By the way, I am engaged so I don’t need to worry about the dating complications of not drinking, but I miss my friendships.

    • Anon for this

      No advice, but commiseration. I don’t drink very often (probably 4-5 times a year) and people are always awkward around me when they are drinking and I’m not. I think it would be better if I had an “acceptable” reason for not drinking (such as allergy, alcoholism, pregnancy, medication etc) but since it’s just a personal preference, no one gets it. And, I suspect, believe that I’m secretly judging them for imbibing. I don’t care what other people are drinking so I don’t understand why other people care what I’m drinking, but I learned long ago that I’ll never be able to figure it out.

    • Brant

      Did you make a big deal out of your decision? I mean…if I were in your shoes, I’d simply just not drink while at gatherings vs. announcing that you are Officially No Longer Drinking Alcohol. Maybe it came off funny?

      • Orangerie

        Yeah, this was my thought too. Lately, I drink far less than any of my friends but I don’t really make a big deal out of it.

      • OP

        Yes, I told close friends I no longer drink. A few people asked what was up after I declined drinks a few time so I told them. Others I probably volunteered this to but just because I was anticipating the “what’s up” question. At work events and with friends I don’t know as well I just decline a drink and don’t go into reasons (although I told my boss because he asked me about 27 times if I was preggo)

        • Anon for this

          My guess – based on how you told people – is that they suspect you have a drinking problem and they don’t want to be that a**hole that is drinking in front of you while you are struggling.

        • Monday

          I’m not really with all the other commenters pointing to the way you “presented” it. It sounds like you were pretty straightforward and did not make a big deal of it or make judgments on them. I’m not sure why the burden immediately falls to you, having to explain your decision or make sure everyone feels ok about it. Reminds me of the heckling vegetarians or vegans sometimes get, or comments my roommates and I got years ago when people found out we didn’t have a TV. Sometimes minority lifestyle choices make people uncomfortable, even when they have no impact on anyone else. I really feel for you, not getting invitations anymore and feeling left out.

          Random other thoughts: your friends are starting to see you as someone coupled up and less interested in hanging out? Your behavior when drinking was more compatible with the group than when not drinking? They think the not-drinking-anymore is part of some larger shift in you? These friendships simply aren’t deep enough to sustain a (fairly minor) change?

          • Anon

            I am a vegetarian and it doesn’t bother me but my husband pointed out how every time we are out with new people, or at a wedding, I get harassed/questioned about being vegetarian. I take it as people are genuinely curious, but yes, I think somewhat they feel like you are judging them (even after I tell them it’s not so much an animal welfare thing for me. And still feel awkward bc this is usually happening while people are digging into pork chops they don’t know the provenance of, and I don’t want to ruin their dinner!)

            I also don’t drink much (especially at work happy hours) and get crap for that too. However, I have found getting drinks that look alcoholic calm the questions (ie soda with a splash of cranberry and a lime).

            I agree that it sucks to have to defend your life choices – ideally you would just stop drinking and no one would even notice!

      • Diana Barry

        +1. They may suspect it is a Thing with you, either that you have a drinking problem or that you are feeling sanctimonious about it, and that often translates into people feeling defensive about their own choices and/or feeling bad for you, thus fewer invitations.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I agree with everyone else that this might be the issue. I basically stopped drinking a few years ago and only do rarely now. I didn’t notice any change in my friendships and we still do all the same things. My house is the place we get together for BBQs and parties and my friends just know/assume that they need to bring their own alcohol. They still invite me to brunch, the beer gardens, etc. I never announced that I wasn’t drinking anymore but just stopped ordering a drink 99% of the time we go out.

        • AttiredAttorney

          Same here. I never mentioned anything to friends, and I just order a diet coke or club soda when we go somewhere where the primary focus might ordinarily be drinking alcohol. I honestly think most of them have not even noticed.

    • Maddie Ross

      Did you just stop drinking, as in just stopped ordering it at restaurants and bars and opted for non-alcoholic drinks, or did you announce that you stopped drinking and make a big deal out of it? And are you trying to avoid being around people who drink altogether? If it’s the latter, that’s probably what has changed. And the way you prhase it, that’s what I’m guessing you did. Honestly, if all you did was start having water or coke at brunch, I cannot see how people would stop including you.

      • OP

        Hmmm…I don’t think I’m trying to avoid being around people who drink – not sure why it came off that way in my original post. I’ll admit I don’t have as much interest in going to bars as I did in college and right after college but I think that’s as much about being 29 and engaged versus 22 and single as it is about drinking versus not drinking. As I said, I’m definitely fine with people drinking in front of me at meals, etc. My fiance is a light social drinker.

        • Maddie Ross

          Sorry if I misunderstood. The way I read the comments about going to pedicures and other non-drinking events made it sound like you didn’t want to be around people who were drinking necessarily. I completely understand not wanting to be out in a bar anymore – drinking or not!

    • Mpls

      Well, my first question is – how big of a deal did you make about no longer drinking? Did you make an announcement, or just decide to do it and not mention it to anyone?

    • Godzilla

      Did you formally announce that you are not drinking to your friends? It sounds like you did. People may feel like you are judging them, even if you are not. It’s not fair but many take out their insecurities on others. When you make a personal decision like that, you don’t have to let others know – it’s your business.

      But hey, people who don’t drink can be lots of fun, too. Friendships change. It could also be the engagement/wedding planning that could be affecting your social circle. Shrug.

    • Anne Shirley

      Hmmmm. I’m trying to think about how I’d deal with this from a drinkers perspective. For example, I often call up a friend for a late night glass of wine on a weekday. I think I would hesitate to call one who wasn’t drinking.

      If you want to be invited to those types of things, I’d stop inviting people to non-drinking activities. Invite them to bars, enthusiastically enjoy your Ginger ale etc.

      But I think there’s probably more going on here to create this kind of distance. Giving up all alcohol, instead of cutting back, is a pretty extreme choice. I wonder if that reflects other changes in you that are also creating some distance with these old friends?

    • Samantha

      I’d add – did you mention the reason you stopped drinking? Just like you said on here, not like you have a problem or anything, just giving it up for a bit to see. I think being casual about it is key. If not, people may feel uncomfortable and like you’re hiding something (maybe she really has a problem and we shouldn’t tempt her), even if they don’t think you’re judging them.

    • Susie

      I’ve never drank beer or wine – I just don’t like (to put it mildly) the taste or smell. I find it funny that even most of my close friends don’t realize/remember, I get invited to go wine tasting, friends hand me beer all the time. I just say thank you hold it a bit and set it down later. I do drink liquor though. I agree with the above that you made it sound like you’re going in a 12 step program or something and your friends don’t want to put the temptation around you, and the other (ie pedicure) stuff could it maybe just be in your head? Plus I don’t know about your friends but these days everyone is just so busy in general it just seems hard to get together.

    • Anonymous

      As someone who drinks, I would feel kind of weird drinking around you if you had told me, unsolicited, that you decided to not drink anymore. I know it’s stupid, but I would feel like you were judging me and that you thought you were somehow “better” than me for not drinking. Obviously it’s the drinking person’s insecurity that is the issue, but maybe there is some smugness on your part too? Not sure.

    • AnnonFoo

      I have a close group of former co-workers and we often meet up for drinks on Friday or during the week. Most of us work in stressful jobs, like to unwind and don’t mind paying for good drinks few times a month while we catchup. One of the guys in the group suddenly declared he has stopped drinking for no real reason. At first it felt little weird because many of us will get happy tipsy and this guy would just feel awkward and not really join in our conversation. Sure some of the stuff we talk needs a little alcohol for us to freely discuss, it is nothing offensive but alcohol just helps in a way that is difficult to pinpoint. We are professionals in our late twenties, early 30s, not post-college fraternity crowd and we go out to sample new speakeasy, tiki, sake bars or other high end places where good alcohol is the main focus. We felt this guy was basically judging us or pretending to be superior because he can stay away from booz. I know he did not mean it but that’s what we implicitly felt. That guy eventually dropped out from our group. I am just giving you perspective from the other side of what your friends might feel. Completely cutting out alcohol and still trying to hang out with same crowd might not gel too well with rest of the group. We still invite the guy for coffee or byob dinner places but he joins us less frequently.

    • Anon in NYC

      Were you a big drinker before this? As a friend of a recovering alcoholic, I will say that it’s somewhat awkward to do things with him and his wife (who now doesn’t drink by choice) now. Am I supposed to drink around him? There was a time during his recovery where we shouldn’t, but now he’s doing better, so I can? They tell friends to drink, so we do, but it’s still slightly awkward. There is nothing that can really be done about the awkwardness because we all want to be respectful of him. We’re all 30+ so at this point many of us are not drinking to get drunk (although people do still get drunk occasionally), but how much drinking is okay? Frankly I think it’s a bit awkward for them too, since they are always urging us to drink if we want to.

      Since you’ve stopped drinking by choice, there is possibly an added question of whether you’re judging your friends for their drinking. I think this is going to be one of those things that becomes a turning point in your friendships. You will maintain your friendships/get closer with certain friends, and other friends will drift. You’ll make new friends as well.

      I know this transition period is hard, but keep inviting friends to get pedicures or to do some sort of fitnessy activity. I find people generally don’t want to drink after a bootcamp or yoga class. I do this with one of my friends who always wants to get a drink or eat unhealthy foods. Cardio and strength training for an hour? Yeah, not really looking to undo all of that.

      I also think brunches will be your friend – yes there are boozy brunches but it’s also perfectly normal to not drink at noon on a Sunday. In many ways drinking is just what people do these days to be social. One thing that might help is if you occasionally order a fancier mocktail instead of just water or soda to signal more of a social/festive vibe.

      • Sara

        Alcohol use in this country is a massive psychological minefield. If you don’t drink, you’re weird. If you do, you’re okay. If you “can’t handle” your drink, you’re just a good ol’ boy. If you’re a falling-down drunk, you’re a loser. If you’re a recovering (dry) alcoholic, you’re an evangelizing annoyance.

        Alcohol is probably the most dangerous drug out there, and it’s legal. If you choose not to drink, more power to you. Your skin will thank you, your health will improve and you’ll sleep better. Stay firm. If your friends drop you simply because you don’t drink, maybe they’re the ones with the dependency problems they are afraid to acknowledge.

        Stay strong!

          • AnnonFoo

            Exactly …. when I drink socially I just want to have a good time, try some great mint julep, or other fancy drinks, some greasy appetizers, forgot day to day stress for few hours, exchange grape vine rumors (or compute the median bonus number) in our very small professional circle. This doesn’t mean “I have a dependency problem I am afraid to admit”.

    • Miz Swizz

      As someone who doesn’t drink much, I can commiserate. I enjoy it but I have more reasons not to drink (low tolerance, need to drive home, it’s expensive) than to drink so I generally don’t when I’m out with friends. People who’ve known me a while don’t give it much thought but when I meet new people, I’m always surprised that they notice.

      Give your friends some time to adjust. You could also address it and tell them you’re worried that by not drinking you’re making them uncomfortable and see if that clears the air. As other commenters noted, maybe you unknowingly over-emphasized your new stance on drinking and your friends are trying to be sensitive to you not drinking?

      • anonymama

        Yeah, it sounds like it could be one of those situations where they feel weird drinking in front of you because they are worried it will make you feel uncomfortable, but if they don’t drink just because you are there that is also awkward.

        It may also be that you (possibly unconsciously) feel awkward because you are used to drinking with these people, and without the social lubricant of alcohol, and also adding in the feeling of being the odd man out for not drinking (somewhat like going to lunch with a group and being the only one ordering a steak when everyone else has a salad), makes you a little more self-conscious.

  19. Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

    Okay ladies, I have decided to start wearing (minimal) makeup, but I’m not quite sure how to proceed. The last time I tried this, I went to Sephora and felt like the woman was more concerned with pushing the most expensive everything as opposed to helping me learn.

    So, I turn to you. What are the basics that I should start with and any suggestions for brands? My skin color is similar to Viola Davis’.

    Thanks in advance.

    • Mountain Girl

      I can’t help you on what will work for your skin color as I am pale and freckled. But I find that a great haircut and quirky eyeglasses (which I wear every waking moment) really minimize my need for makeup.

    • January

      What are you trying to accomplish via wearing makeup? If you feel that your complexion needs evening out, then I would look for a tinted moisturizer or BB cream of some kind. I have very fair skin, so I can’t help with specific product recommendations, but Bobbi Brown may work for you. Her makeup line is also geared towards achieving a polished look, rather than a made-up look, so I’d recommend making an appointment at her counter and telling them you’re new to makeup and would like to learn. Good luck! Makeup is fun. :)

    • Mpls

      I think it really depends on who you get. You might start by specifying a few things you are looking to add (like eyeliner and lipgloss), or specifying a feature you want to highlight (like your eyes) to give them something to focus on. But my experience has been that it really depends on who you get to help you. I’ve had luck with the MAC (for adding color) and Bobbie Brown (for basics) counters, but it can be hit and miss.

    • Maddie Ross

      When you say “minimal” what do you mean? I personally went this route this summer while I was on mat leave, and for me, this meant using a tinted moisturizer to even things out a bit, a touch of blush and my normal mascara. The tinted moisturizer I settled on was the Olay with touch of color. If you are actually talking about using multiple makeup products to get the no-makeup look, I’m no help though…

      • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

        This sounds perfect! Okay, so foundation + blush + mascara is a good formula?

        • Eleanor

          It depends what you want to achieve by wearing makeup. Do you feel uncomfortable because your skin is uneven? Then a BB cream or tinted moisturizer would be a good choice. Do you think your cheeks should be more pink? Then yes, use blush. But just using products other people use in order to be wearing some kind of makeup seems like a waste of money and time.

          For example, I’m fine with my skin tone and lip color, but my eyes seem to fade into my face, so I wear eyeliner and mascara every day, and no other makeup. Many women here seem to wear tinted moisturizer or foundation every day, but they save eyeliner for fancy occasions or for when they will be photographed. What you choose just depends what features you want to disguise or play up. If you like the way you look without makeup, I don’t think there’s a point to wearing it.

          • Eleanor

            I forgot to mention that I just use drugstore makeup, and it works fine for me. You might start there to see if you can get by with the cheaper stuff, rather than going right to Sephora, unless you like the makeup buying experience you get at Sephora that you don’t get at the drugstore.

          • Baconpancakes

            I use a mix of drugstore, Bobbi Brown, and other Sephora brands, and I agree that mostly drugstore brands are pretty good for minimal makeup, but I also fully support buying pretty, fun makeup in fantastic packaging if you can afford it and want to. I LOVE Benefit’s blushes. They smell so pretty, the boxes they come in are adorable, they last forever, and their Dandelion looks good on pretty much every skin color!

        • meme

          This is basically what I do. I’ve always been a makeup minimalist. When I go to my office or church, I wear a light foundation with a light touch to even out my skin tone but not hide my freckles, a bit of blush, mascara, and shimmery, no-color chapstick. I have a natural-color eye shadow compact (pink/brown for me) that I bought for my wedding over 10 years ago, and I’ll pull that out once or twice per year. And occasionally I’ll darken my eyebrows a bit (they are dark blonde) with some light brown eye shadow and a small angled brush. The rest of the time (4-5 days per week), I skip makeup, but I always wear moisturizer.

        • Anonymous

          I’ll second a tinted moisturizer. I used to just use SPF moisturizer plus concealer on spots, but started using a tinted moisturizer with a little concealer and a tiny bit of blush or bronzer – I keep getting compliments on how polished I look. As someone with lifelong acne, I’ve been thrilled. This is a small change that makes a huge difference.

    • mascot

      For makeup, what is important to you? For me, I want to even out my skin tone and play up my eyes. So my makeup routine accomplishes those goals. Lipstick and blush are after thoughts. My daytime eye routine is usually neutral shadows, liner on the upper lid and mascara. Learning to do my eyes took a little bit of practice, but now I can do them radpidly. I’ll usually add more color or do a smokey eye for evening/dressier occasions. Brands that work on my oily caucasian skin include smashbox, bare minerals for face and smashbox, bobbi brown, mac and benefit for eyes.

    • Veronique

      Basics include mascara, eyeliner and/or shadow, blush, lipstick and/or gloss and foundation/tinted moisturizer/bb cream. If you want foundation, make sure that they match the right color and undertone to avoid looking ashy. MAC, Makeup Forever, Bobbi Brown, Benefit and Nars are all good options. I currently use MUF High Def foundation and it looks really good on my skin (similar to Beyonce). I’ve also used various MAC products, Benefit Hello Flawless (liquid and powder) and Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer.

      All of the above brands are also good for blush, eye shadow, lipstick, etc. They offer a wide variety of shades and tones that work well for women of color. Bobbi Brown is great for a more conservative look. Avoid chalky shades, including many pastels, because they can also look ashy on brown skin.

      Here are some of my favorite products:
      Eyeliner: Urban 24/7, MAC gel liner
      Eyeshadow: MAC
      Mascara: Cover Girl Lash Blast and Volume Blast
      Blush: Nars, MAC, Clinique
      Lipstick/Gloss: MAC (all products), Clinique, Korres, Sephora Collection lip stain

      • Veronique

        That should have read “Basics MAY include.” As other posters have mentioned, some people like to highlight their eyes, lips or just even out skintone and choose their basic products accordingly.

    • Samantha

      I’m all about a minimal makeup/skincare routine myself, and I”d suggest looking into BB or CC creams as they are a bunch of things in one. They work well as a moisturizer, sunscreen as well as a concealer/for overall smoother appearance of skin, so you may only need that one thing. There are different brands and shades so you can find one that suits you (sephora will give you little trial versions). I like their “natural” brands (no phthalates/sulfates/other ingredients shown to be harmful – see the EWG cosmetics website) so that immediately narrowed it down to 3 brands for me.
      Not sure if you’re looking for other stuff like eyeliner or lipstick in your minimal routine. Just pick one based on reviews/your criteria if any, the sephora person will help you shortlist based on your criteria (long lasting/moisturizing/etc).

    • Susie

      Luckily I have pretty good skin, and I’m lazy and bad with makeup application so generally I just wear lipstick and mascara, and I just get it from the drugstore (Revlon, CoverGirl, Maybellene) but for a first time maybe go to Macys or Nordstrom (sorry I’m not very familiar with their brands) and have them select colors for you and show you how to use.

    • hellskitchen

      Think about what you want makeup to do for you? For me, I wanted makeup to conceal dark circles, even out my skin tone, and perk my face up just a bit. I did trial and error with a couple of drugstore concealers, primers and tinted moisturizers/foundations. I bought a blush and a lipstick but didn’t spend any money on eye products. I also searched beauty blogs to see which products/shades women with my coloring were using. In drugstore brands, I like Black Opal for concealers, Maybelline for foundation, and Rimmel & Boots No 7 for primers and tinted moisturizers.

    • Godzilla

      Start with blush. Blush is such an underrated tool in making a face look really polished. I really like blush from MAC. Play around with different brushes (small, angled, huge and fluffy) and figure out what you like. I find that brushing a translucent powder all over my face before I use blush makes it easier to blend the blush.

    • B

      Just went through this. I ended up making an appointment at Nordstrom with a makeup artist who assured me that even though she working at a counter that we would try things from all different counters. It worked great. I ended up with Smashbox CC cream (highly recommend) and Smashbox base for the eyes. This is a base for eyeshadow, but can also be worn by itself for days when I don’t want to worry about eyeshadow and still brightens my eyes up. For days when I want a bit more, she taught me a really simple way to put on some basic eyeshadow (ended up with Nars) and blush. I already had mascara and we tried out some basic lipsticks. I liked how she gave me options for days when I had no time to days when I wanted a bit more.

    • BB

      FYI the salespeople at Sephora are not paid on commission. I have found that they tend to gravitate towards the more expensive stuff, but some of it is actually better. They should have no problem with you saying that you want a lower budget though.

      • Anonymous

        This. I have always found the salespeople at Sephora to be really helpful and they have no personal financial incentive to see you more expensive products just because. Figure out what you are comfortable spending on each product and let them know. If they recommend something out of your price range, ask if there’s a comparable item at a lower price point. I love shopping at Sephora for a bunch of reasons. The free samples and rewards programs, the helpful and knowledgeable staff, the fact that all of the purchases (online and in store) are tracked in my account so I can see exactly what color of something I’ve purchased. Their generous return policy, their large selection, their online reviews.

    • NWanalyst

      I also recently made the decision to start wearing makeup again, after a long hiatus when I discovered that almost all skin products gave me horrible rashes. I decided to start wearing makeup to cover the scarring from the reactions, and I had a wonderful experience with Bare Minerals. I picked BareMinerals because of their ingredient list, but I was really impressed with the quality of the product and the expertise of my salesperson. I had very specific restrictions (absolutely no fragrances or preservatives, etc) and they were able to put together a look for me that is simple and easy to do. I walked into the boutique and told them that I wanted a basic look for everyday, and asked them to please show me exactly what to do because I was never great at application. The product is not cheap, but my fiance–who has been with me over seven years–could not tell I was wearing makeup, and simply thought my blemishes had faded suddenly. I’ve been wearing the product for several weeks now, and I find that even sans primer, my “face” still looks good after ten hours with no touch-ups (I wear powder foundation, finishing powder, and “warmth”, which is sort of between blush and bronzer). I’m really far from you in terms of skin tone, but I recall that they seemed to have a wide range of colors, and the salespeople I spoke with claimed there’s a 100% guarantee… if you don’t like the color match, you can return the product. I hope this helps!

  20. Batgirl

    Egg freezers–does anyone have any recommendations for how to choose the best place for egg/embryo freezing? I’m planning to freeze in NYC and Cornell takes my insurance (though 99% of this wouldn’t be covered) but I’m not sure how to figure out which place is the best place to go or if they are all sort of the same.

    I have some fertility issues that are making this a more necessary procedure than it might otherwise be so I’m really concerned about choosing the right provider since I may not have many eggs to work with.

    Thanks so much in advance–I know that there are other forums for fertility questions, but there isn’t much out there on egg freezing. That said, if you know of any of them, please let me know!

  21. Miss Behaved

    Ladies, I just got Roku. For those of you who have it, what are your favorite channels?

    • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

      In addition to the basics (Pandora, Netflix, Hulu, Amazon) I love the TedTalks channel.

    • Yeppers

      I use mine for Netflix and Pandora 95% of the time, but the PBS station also has some really good programming on it if you’re into PBS-type things.

  22. EB0220

    Does anyone have a system for keeping up with concepts you learned in school, but aren’t necessarily used in your job? I recently had a job interview in which I was asked relatively basic questions on theoretical concepts that I learned in school. 7 years ago, I could have answered these without a problem. Now, my job doesn’t deal with these concepts every day, I’ve had a baby, finished my research/degree, and I feel like I need to refresh my memory on the stuff I learned in class. Any experience/thoughts? My degree is in a heavily math-oriented field (think stats/econ/OR).

    • Godzilla

      Tutor/teach someone. You’ll be forced to relearn everything AND you’ll have a reason to review.

    • Anon

      ugh, I feel you. Agree w/ Godzilla that tutoring/teaching is a good way to do it, though not sure how many people would be down for learning heat transfer or fluid dynamics (just two of the many things that have vacated my mind since I finished school).

      I had an interviewer ask me to explain something (super basic algorithm) and I bumbled around and finally he was like, “you basically have it.” Probably just to save me from myself. cringe.

    • Elysian

      I minored in math and feel like I’ve forgotten all of it, since I don’t use it ever. I’ve signed up for a few free online courses as refreshers – there are a bunch offered by Coursera, and MIT OpenCourseware, and others. I’ve found that to be helpful, because the structure is already there and I just follow what they say to do and then feel somewhat caught up. It forces me to re-learn. You might try something like that.

  23. European

    TJ: I’m a 2nd year associate in big accounting. Last week our HR manager asked me if I wanted to speak at a huge recruting event my firm is having this week. I’m glad to be asked and I’ve said yes, but I’m kind of freaking out. I hate public speaking, so this is waaaay out of my comfort zone! My biggest fear is that I’ll talk way too fast and/or stutter and forget what I’m supposed to say. Any advice on how to calm my nerves?

    • Godzilla

      Prepare your speech and practice. Over and over. And over. And you will be amazing. ENCOURAGEMENT RAWR

      • Anonymous

        Along the same lines, record a practice session on your phone/computer and watch it–you will learn alot about the things that may need adjustment.

      • CKB

        This. I’m also an accountant that used to get freaked out by public speaking. I would write down every single word I was going to say. Then practice, practice, practice.

        For the actual event, concentrate on speaking very, very slowly. Chances are it will balance out your instinct to talk really fast and end up being just right. Remember to look up and make eye contact with a few people in the audience. Print out your speech in a really large font and double spaced so it’s easy to read, and put it as high up on the podium as possible so you just have to glance down to see it instead of having to look straight down. And, final tip – I like to have one of those bigger paper clips to fiddle with while I’m speaking. It’s a good outlet for my nervous energy, acts kind of as a security blanket, and just helps me feel better overall.

        Good luck – I’m sure you’ll do great!

    • NashJD

      A friend advised me to memorize and rehearse the first 2 sentences of my presentation – then present the rest of it using notes, but not reading it. I have used this over and over with success after finding that sometimes, just getting a good start is the hardest part.

    • Pip

      A few ideas-
      – If you can get comfortable with it, I’d recommend notecards or an outline, rather than writing every word out. That way, you can look down, remind yourself of the topic you want to cover, and then look back at your audience. It takes away the temptation to spend the whole talk looking at your notes/script.
      – Also, when you are giving the presentation, don’t deliver it to “the audience,” look at an individual, and tell that person one point, or one sentence. Engage that person. Then look to another part of the audience and find a new person, tell that person the next point. Keep looking around the room, speaking to individuals in every section.
      -Know your style- I hate to get stuck behind a podium. I prefer to roam the stage at a presentation, so if I need something to keep me on point, I go with notecards. If I was going to use the podium, I’d probably go with a paper outline (less flipping of pages). If you don’t know your preference, try practicing it a couple of different ways and see what feels good.
      – Finally, on the day, remember to breathe. Take it slow and enunciate. They will hear you better and the information has time to land. If you are worried about going too fast or forgetting to breathe, make a mark in your notes where you are going to break for a deep breath.

      You can totally do this.

      • European

        Thank you ladies, I knew I could count on you for good advice. Will report back on how it went!

  24. Mid year review

    My company does reviews bi-annually; my end of year review was in January, and while it wasn’t 100% positive, I got my bonus and a raise. I really took the negative elements to heart and went to management w/ feedback about my boss, who IMO is the reason I made minor typo/copy paste mistakes (seemingly one of the main criticisms), because he is so freaking terrifying that I think I end up making more mistakes because I’m so nervous/pressured.

    This was definitely not the right move, as management is just out to protect their own (I now know) and really nothing came of it. However, they have since had me in w/ HR twice to “check in”, basically so they can feel like they’ve addressed the problem (I characterized him as “verbally abusive”, which I still stand by; they have recast it as “personality differences”). The last time I was in, the HR person did mention my upcoming mid-year review, and said our meeting wouldn’t supercede it.

    Since then, radio silence. It is now September, so waaaay past the time I should have had the review. While I’m not super psyched to sit down and hear again why my boss hates me, I do want my bonus. Part of me wonders, is this them telling me I didn’t get a bonus? Or did they just forget?

    I would normally think from their not-so-glowing reviews that I won’t get a bonus, but I did in January, which is why I’m debating how to ask about the review/bonus situation. To add to the ridiculousness, a client just emailed a week or so ago and cc’d our CEO and specifically commended my work and said I should get a huge bonus this year LOL (which lends fuel to my theory that mostly my boss is crazy and just hates me, rather than any actual deficiencies on my part).

    Should I ask HR for the review? As in, “During our meeting in June, you mentioned my review…. is that still on the calendar, or should I expect my next review in January?”

    • Anne Shirley

      It is not your boss’s fault you make typos. That’s just ridiculous. Have you stepped up your work? Are you doing better? If so, I’d ask for the review.

      • Diana Barry

        I would not ask for the review unless you have feedback from your boss that you are doing better.

        Otherwise, the delaying the mid-year review may mean (1) that they are behind the ball, or (2) that they are gearing up to fire you. I once had a late mid-year review that was actually a firing.

    • anonymama

      I think it wouldn’t hurt to ask for the review. Maybe bring up concrete things you have accomplished/improved since the last one, and say you are looking forward to feedback.

      But yeah, the timing of your original complaint against your boss was not good… you make it sound like they said you did good, but you can improve this area (which is standard for a review), and then you came back with the reason you make so many typos is because your boss is verbally abusive, which is sort of out of left field, and seems like both a disproportionate response and like you are not taking responsibility for your own actions, particularly if you had not made note of any issues with him previously. And unless he is hovering over your shoulder or yelling at you while you are typing, being nervous should lead to extra reviewing/more careful proofreading, not more mistakes.

    • ss

      Is it definitely the case that your company looks at bonuses and raises twice a year ? If it is only once a year at the January session, it wouldn’t surprise me if the June review session does not get high priority on the schedule of busy managers, particularly if the staff are performing ok.

  25. Anon

    Question: Is it rude to ask someone if they got engaged?

    I was talking in a group of colleagues and the subject of weddings came up. Then I remembered that someone had seen person X looking at their own engagement photos, so I asked person X if she had just gotten engaged (she had). And now I’m getting sort of an awkward treatment. Maybe I’m just imagining it? Or was I really rude? I apologized for putting her on the spot…

    • TBK

      If she isn’t wearing a ring, she might just wonder how you know and feel awkward that people were talking about her engagement. (Not that that should be weird. People generally talk about other people they know, and an engagement is a big deal.) It’s also possible they aren’t fully “out” about the engagement yet, due to family reasons or whatever, and so she was caught off guard.

      • hoola hoopa

        This was my thought, also. Maybe she got caught up in discussing weddings, then you asked if she were engaged, then she remembered that she intended to not discuss it at work or with colleagues yet.

        Either that, or they had presumed they were having a private conversation and were more caught off guard by you ‘listening in’ than the actual question. Which is rather silly in work spaces where every conversation is fairly public, but it definitely happens.

      • Anon

        I hope it was just catching her off guard. I was actually part of the wedding conversation so was not listening in. Also, we had just been discussing how in her culture, they don’t give rings. I’m hopefully just overthinking it. I’m usually super-guarded with how I speak at work (because at home I swear like a sailor :P) so I am paranoid.

    • Bee

      Yes, it’s rude, but you apologized so I’d leave it be. We all say well-meaning things that are unintentionally nosy sometimes, don’t beat yourself up about it. On the rudeness scale, it’s decidedly less rude than asking someone if she’s pregnant.

        • Bee

          Relationship status is one of those things, like religion or politics, that is personal, private, and carries a lot of emotion, and so it’s not polite to ask it of someone you’re not super close to unless the person brings it up. The line between politely inquiring about a coworker’s life vs. prying for personal information can get pretty blurry, but imo asking if someone is engaged, or has a boyfriend/girlfriend, or lives with her SO, etc., crosses the line unless that person initiates that conversation topic.

  26. Sad Runner

    How would you style light blue dress pants? I must have tried on ten outfits this morning! I ended up with a white blouse and brown blazer. It looks ooooook, but I am sure there’s something better! TIA!

    • LilyB

      navy blazer would be my first thought. I think red could also work if you’re daring.

  27. TBK

    We had an appointment with the midwife this morning and she asked if we wanted to do the testing for Down Syndrome. My husband and I hadn’t really talked about it yet, but it had been something on my mind to bring up with him. It seemed, however, like the whole concept struck him from out of the blue. Like “OH MY GOD WE COULD ACTUALLY HAVE A BABY WITH DOWN’S!?” His mood the rest of the time was just so completely freaked out that the midwife was worried about how nervous he looked. Is this just not something guys think about? How could the possibility of there being a problem with one or both of our babies be such a novel concept? I feel like that’s exactly the risk you take when you get pregnant. I thought through it pretty thoroughly before we even started trying.

    • jlf

      My husband was very hands-off during my pregnancy and reacted with surprise when he learned even the most basic information about pregnancy or the baby or babies in general. He is still just like this–we have a 6 month old and it is like my husband has never even considered reading up on babies or learning about what they are supposed to be doing at different ages or anything and he is a friggin stay at home dad. Totally baffling to me.

    • Someone

      Yes. Generalizing hugely, but sometimes husbands have actively avoided considering such possibilities. And sometimes, even if he is the most caring and attentive spouse during your pregnancy, fatherhood might hit him as a sudden, real possibility only when he is holding the baby in his arms!
      My husband hated – HATED – talking , mentioning, or hinting at any negative outcomes (downs syndrome, birth defects, risks associated with the use of forceps!) as they made him a bit upset to think about and he felt powerless in dealing with it, and he didn’t like feeling powerless. Now if one of these risks had actually materialized, he would’ve been excellent and supportive and reassuring. Because he could then be solution-oriented, and he’d feel a bit more in control then.
      Not sure what your question was, but hope that helps.

      • TBK

        I think you’re right about the powerlessness. He mentions that a lot with respect to everything to do with this whole pregnancy thing. He says he has zero power and I have like 2% power and the rest [shrug].

        • Hel-lo

          He needs to read some expecting dad books or websites. There’s one called “Be Prepared” that puts it all in a camping-style guide, and seems really easy for men to grasp.

  28. L

    So I’ve posted before about my singing/humming/noisy cubemate. I’m at the point where I think I’m going to say something gentle to her. Any suggestions? I want to do it when I’m not at the point where I want to duct tape her mouth shut, but rather like “Oh I can always tell when you get here by the little tunes you sing, good morning!” when I can actually pull it off in a pleasant not bitchy tone. I feel like if I was my normal direct self she’d a) cry and b) complain that I’m being ‘mean’ (because apparently this elementary school and we’re all supposed to get along and hold hands, as opposed to a work environment where you know you get sh*t done).

    • Bewitched

      I totally sympathize with you b/c that would drive me crazy. That said, if I were the singer/hummer and someone made a comment to me that they can always tell when I arrive, I’d think they ENJOYED my singing/humming, not that it bothered them! I know this is super sensitive, because, you know, you have to work with this person, but is there any way that you can tell her-I’m sorry to ask, but I find it super distracting to work given your singing/humming. I’ve tried headphones/white noise etc and nothing is working. Is there any way that you can try to limit the singing/humming? I think the more direct approach, while phrasing it as a concern that is specific to you/your work style, might be more effective than the indirect approach. I have an office but I actually did approach an office mate down the hall who made a number of personal calls at very loud volumes and just asked her if she would mind closing her door since it was so distracting to me. I just don’t know if the indirect approach works, although it certainly is more effective in eliminating hurt feelings.

    • k-padi

      As a singer/hummer/mumbler/groaner/sigh-er myself, I don’t realize I’m doing it. When it becomes distracting, just say “Your humming is distracting, can you tone it down?”

      But, at some level, you are just going to have to accept her. Various family members and friends have tried to stop me from doing this using everything from gentle reminders to terrorizing techniques. Nothing helps and most made it worse. It’s just the way some of us are.

      And remember, I’m sure you do things that drive her crazy too.

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