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Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Hazel
I’ll be in Detroit tomorrow and need to find a good spot for lunch. Any recommendations for great Middle Eastern food? (I’ll take other recommendations as well). Will have a car; prefer locations anywhere between Bloomfield Hills and the Canadian port of entry.
Bean74
Anita’s Kitchen on Woodward in Ferndale!
Abby
Welcome! Not middle eastern but I think the best restaurant in detroit is Selden Standard. Small plates & craft cocktails, but $$. Another favorite is Mudgie’s Deli, close to the waterfront, they have gourmet sandwiches. I know you didn’t ask for drinks, but Two James is a favorite, located in Corktown, and there are a ton of cute restaurants & bars on that street.
SFAttorney
We loved Mudgie’s for brunch when we visited in June.
Digby
Habib’s on Michigan Avenue in Dearborn.
Anon
Second Habibs!
Annie
It kind of depends if you’re going to take the Detroit tunnel/bridge, or if you’re going to go up to Sarnia. La Palma in midtown in Detroit is great, I also like Royal Kabob in Hamtramck. If you’re in the suburbs, Phonecia in Birmingham is also lovely, but more upscale.
Brunchaholic
Second/third the Habib’a, Anita’s Kitchen and Phoenicia suggestions for middle eastern!
Sue
I want to apply for a position but I am reluctant to list my current supervisor as a reference, one because I am not sure if I would get a positive reference–there have problems in the past. Two, in case I don’t get the job I would prefer that my current workplace not know. The position is an academic research associate position, is it ever acceptable to list “references upon request”, I am asking since some online application systems have a field for references and will not let you move forward until you fill out the field.
Ellen
Elizabeth, I love this mockneck sweater, and agree with you that Rachel did wear a sweater like this one on Friends. Dad always loved Rachel and he even told me he wished I looked like Rachel, tho she did NOT have blond hair, and he likes that both Rosa and I have blond hair. I suppose he just wants cute daughters, and he had a father like feeling for Rachel.
As for the OP, Sue, your idea is a good one. So many on line forms won’t let you finish until you complete all fields, and “references on request” is a lot better then saying that your boss may be a doosh, so you won’t put his name down in the form until you talk to a human being about your situation.
Myrna wants me to go with her tomorrow to the Hamtons, but my Dad wants me to come visit with Grandma Leyeh, who has some medical things going on. I think I wlll go see Grandma Leyeh, as I have NOT been successful in attracting DECENT men this year in the Hamtons. I do not consider men who only want $ex as worthwhile.
mascot
I can’t speak to academia, but in the corporate world, it’s normal for people to ask that you not contact their current employer. I’d list your other references assuming you’ve got those lined up.
Other may disagree, but the references upon request answer doesn’t really work here. They are requesting them- that’s why they asked the questions. Generally, they aren’t contacting them until much later in the process but want to have the information already in hand.
The original Scarlett
Yes, you can do that. There’s also no rule that you need to list your current supervisor, use anyone you think will speak well of you (former bosses, colleagues you did work for, etc.)
Pompom
Try filling the fields with that, yes; or find a colleague or teammate that you do trust and who can speak to your work at an initial stage. They’re not likely checking references until and unless you’re a finalist, and you are perfectly in the right to say “my job search is being conducted in confidence; you may not contact my current supervisor.”
Just don’t put “References Available Upon Request” on your resume, ever. Of course they are available upon request. No need to waste space.
Anon
I never list my current supervisor as a reference. It’s very normal not to.
Anonymous
Right. I do, however, list a different current colleague.
Anon
I am in academia (staff) and have served as a reference several times for people I work closely with but am not in their department/chain of command.
waffles
Until the company (or school) actually asks for references, it’s very normal not to offer them. It’s also common – even PREFERRED – not to say “references upon request” on a resume or application. As another poster mentioned, this is wasted space and fairly obvious.
When you get to the point in the hiring process when you’re asked for references, you should offer a couple people who you have worked with closely and can speak to your skills and experience, especially as is relevant for the new position. Definitely does not have to be your current boss. Any good hiring manager would be understanding of your concerns.
Anonymous
I am in academia (faculty), and no, this is not acceptable. We need your references. As in, contact information but most importantly letters.
Another anon
I am also in academia (faculty). I don’t ask for letters but I do ask for contact info and call references, often before I even talk to the candidate. Similarly, I was contacted recently so I could provide a reference for someone working for me, but said employee had not yet told me that he wanted to move on. Awkward! Basically, don’t assume confidentiality whether you list the references or not. If the person hiring can figure out where you work now, they want to speak with your supervisor.
Ribena
I need a basic top like this – and you’ve picked one from a retailer that also sells in the UK, nice one!
pugsnbourbon
Yep, this looks like it would be super versatile. I like all the colors too!
Traveler
Just missed a connection and got hit with a $500 change fee to get a new ticket. We weren’t even late, just waiting in the wrong area and then told we were too late to board. Anyone else want to share there worst travel mistake?
Leatty
We missed our flight to leave for our honeymoon. We had to check baggage and our airline required that all baggage be checked in 45 minutes before the flight. It was a really early flight, and we were both dragging from the wedding two days prior and it took longer to get to the airport than anticipated. We were in line to check our baggage 48 minutes before our departure time, but by the time we made it to the counter, it was 40 minutes before our flight, so they wouldn’t accept our baggage. I pleaded with the airline attendant, but it didn’t work. We had to rebook the same flight for the following day because there weren’t any other available flights to our destination that day (even through connections). It was completely our fault, but I was pretty bummed about it. We ended up going home, taking a nap, and booking a couple’s massage at a local spa, so we made the most of it.
rosie
We were flying home from visiting family, and I don’t really understand what the thought process was, but must have misread the times. We couldn’t figure out why we weren’t being allowed to check in when we got to the airport, and we basically just missed the flight. It was Southwest and a common route so I don’t think we were out that much $$ in the end (I don’t remember whether we were still able to make the connecting flight, probably not), but we just misread the flight info and missed the flight.
anon
Southwest changes their flight schedules during the summer…..I was traveling same route for several months and didn’t realize they moved my flight earlier by 1 hour….got to the airport in the nick of time and never ran so fast to catch a flight in my life (I always leave plenty of time)….phew, made it. Watch your route schedules on Southwest.
Cat
Not personally, but my in-laws were traveling within Europe and had a hiccup with the 24-hour clock. They had a flight at 17:45 and thought it was 7:45pm… whoops.
Anon
Oh yeah this is super common. People also get mixed up about time zones. We live close to Chicago but in eastern time and when my MIL lands in Chicago, at least half the time she calls us panicking that she’s going to miss the connection (“we just landed and the next plane takes off in 10 minutes!”) and we have to remind her that Chicago is in central and we’re in eastern so she has a whole hour more than she thinks she does. Seriously, this has happened at least half a dozen times.
Anon
When my husband and I had our daughter, we got in the habit of having him drop me, her and the bags at the check-in counter and go park the car. This worked really well until one time we took an international trip (it was just to the Caribbean and we had a layover in another US city first, so it didn’t feel like an “international flight” but it technically was) and my husband missed the window for checking in, which was 60 minutes before departure of the first flight. In the end, they let him on the flight (our home airport has the absolute nicest gate agents) but man, we felt like idiots.
Equestrian attorney
The same thing happened to me – I was in Prague and the gate was changed. It was apparently announced in English, but the announcer had a thick accent and I just kind of tuned it out. I had arrived early and was reading a book, but at some point I realized my gate was kind of empty and it should be time to board? And then by the time I figured out what was happening, it was too late to board my flight.
waffles
Got to the airport early, went through security and sat on the seats at the gate. Like, literally right at the gate. I was with a colleague and we were talking. Somehow we managed to miss the entire boarding process. When we went to the desk, the airline employee said the plane was boarded and left. They paged us on the intercom a few times. They even walked around looking for us. We didn’t notice at all. To be fair, it was probably a very small flight with only a few passengers, so it’s not like we didn’t see 500 people in queue.
It was the last flight of the night from our small regional airport; we had to take an expensive cab ride to the bigger airport for a red-eye flight.
To this day, I’m really skeptical. I chalk it up 50% to an engrossing conversation and 50% to employees exaggerating the effort they made to find us……
Abby
Got engaged on vacation in Montreal/Quebec. We drove from Quebec back to Montreal to catch our flight and gave ourselves an extra hour to drive….hit terrible traffic which delayed us 2 hours. Dropped off the rental car, ran to the check in and they said the plane was boarding already and we missed it. Luckily for us, the Delta agents rebooked our flight for free (not sure if this is a regular practice or bc they felt bad for us) and also got us a hotel at a super discounted price, and coordinated a free shuttle for us. We ate takeout chinese and watched netflix, then woke up at 3 am to catch our flight. I went to work exhausted af and got to share that I was engaged!
Anonymous
I traveled next to an unaccompanied minor recently. Maybe a middle schooler? It was interesting seeing how the chain of custody of her worked (tag around her neck, etc.). BUT we were on a cross-country flight and somehow no one had ordered her a lunch or given her any $. I was with my kids and she was connecting for the next leg of her trip, so I gave her and the flight attendant in charge of her like $40 and told them that they should go somewhere for a good lunch. [Apparently we could not have assumed custody of her and dropped her at the next gate, although you’d think you could trust a female attorney traveling with her own children, but I get that you can’t.]
I could not imagine being hangry and off of my time zone.
Abby
This is so kind of you!
Anon
If it was possible for a kind person to assume custody of an unaccompanied minor, even just to take them to get something to eat, I’d be horrified. That would be a boon to the child traffickers.
Anon
Yeah. LOL to the idea that it’s ok because she’s a female attorney traveling with other children.
Sadie
Right? This is specifically why traffickers involve women and older children as recruiters.
BabyAssociate
My parents booked a trip to Chicago to see family over Thanksgiving, turned out they actually booked it for October 27, not November 27 (no idea how they missed the “it’s time to check in” emails). Ended up costing $3000 to get to Chicago.
anon
Arrived to check-in with oodles of time at a small airport for a commuterish flight. They offered to move me up to an earlier flight, hey, why not! Called and woke up my family picking me up at home (red-eye + time zone).
At security, discover that my only ID (a teen temporary permit) expired while I was there. They did finally let me through (I cried) but flagged me for every possible extra screening.
Then, with only minutes before flight left, I couldn’t find the gate. Not lost in a big hallway- there were 4 gates, I could see them all, and my ticket clearly said gate 5. No staff at gates 1-4 to ask. Finally a nice lady told me I had to go through bathroom (in one door & out a different door) to find gate five.
Possibly the shortest hop I’ve ever flown commercially, and by far the worst experience!
emeralds
I’ve always gone by a non-intuitive nickname (so if my legal name is Mary Catherine I go by Catie), and an old job’s travel coordinator booked round-trip flights under Catie instead of Mary Catherine. I had to call the airline to change the name on my outbound flight, and assumed it would also get changed for my return flight.
I got to the airport to fly home and it was still under Catie. The check-in desk told me to “go ahead and try to get through security” but they wouldn’t let me through because the name on the ticket didn’t match the name on my ID. By then it was too late for the airline’s central offices to do anything, because control of reservations kicks to the airport two hours before takeoff. The people at the check-in desk ended up on the phone with the airline, and one of them finally gave me what appeared to be a semi-legal boarding pass under Mary Catherine. I managed to run up to the gate right as it was closing, even though I arrived a full 2.5 hours in advance for a domestic flight.
But that airport could only change the name for my first connecting leg, so then I had to argue my way through two more gate agents in two more airports, including the hellmouth of LAX at like, 11:30pm for my red-eye back to the east coast.
Let’s just say it was an experience I hope to never repeat.
NOLA
I was flying to SF in late June for a work conference and got to the airport to discover that every off-site parking lot was full (had never happened before, although I used Park n Fly regularly) and I had to park in the “credit card lot” where there was no shuttle to the airport. I walked in the hideous heat to the terminal, went to get my ID out of my purse and realized that I had left my ID case in my gym bag the day before and hadn’t transferred it back to my purse. Traffic was terrible and my SO had already left my house, so there was no hope. I was able to get on my flight (using my Sam’s card, which was in my wallet – my only picture ID) with only minor extra screening. On my second flight, the flight attendant suggested that I have a friend take photos of my driver’s license and passport and send them to me. I decided to have my friend do it the next morning. Got to my hotel that evening to discover that, although I had been allowed on my flight, I could not use my credit card or the university’s credit card to pay for my hotel room without a photo ID. I took cash out of the ATM in the lobby and paid for the first night, then called my friend in a panic first thing the next morning. She sent me photos of my IDs and I was able to transfer all of it to my credit card. I felt so stupid! And have never made that mistake again. I make reservations at Park n Fly and move my ID case to my purse as soon as I get home from the gym.
SC
Oh, man. Back when I traveled pretty frequently, I used to just keep my passport in my work bag as a backup in case I left my ID in my gym bag, or in a pants or coat pocket, or in a small weekend purse… all things I do frequently.
On the way to his brother’s wedding, my husband realized he didn’t have his driver’s license with him and talked his way through TSA onto the plane by using a prescription bottle with his name on it (he had no photo ID with him at all, but getting that medication requires a photo ID–still). We had another family member, who was arriving the next day, swing by the house and bring his passport to the wedding because we figured only New Orleans’ airport security would be that lax.
anon1
I once left my wallet on a plane and there was no way to get it back before I had to fly home. I had no photo ID but I was allowed through security with my boarding pass + prescription bottle + business card. It was a small airport, but I mostly chalk that one up to the privilege of being a white woman.
NOLA
SC, I was able to fly home with only my Sam’s card and photos of my driver’s license and passport, and that was from San Francisco. Taking my passport would be really smart – I may have to start doing that anyway since I don’t have a real ID yet. When I’m coming from home, I just take my ID case in my gym bag – it has my school ID, my driver’s license, car insurance, and AAA card in it. That’s what I did the day before I left and I forgot it. I’m soooooo careful now.
anon
I went to JFK when my flight left from Newark. Sounds like something out of a sitcom. Missed my flight but the airline managed to rebook me, free of charge, on a flight departing from JFK.
Anon
I went to San Francisco airport when my flight left from San Jose. They’re about 35 miles apart but it can take hours in traffic. Thankfully there was no traffic and I made my flight but it was nerve-wracking. It was a law firm callback interview too.
anon1
My assistant once booked me on a flight to San Jose, Costa Rica instead of San Jose, California. Thankfully I noticed with enough time to change it because I was very confused as to why I would be flying through Miami instead of another American hub like Dallas or Phoenix (from another large east coast city).
Anon
Yeah I’ve almost done that too! Although to be fair, you do get layovers in weird places sometimes. I once had an American Air flight from Miami to Boston with a layover in Dallas (which is an AA hub, but pretty far off the direct route). I thought we were going to Dulles, which makes way more sense geographically. I was so confused when I got off the plane and there was a giant flag that said WELCOME TO THE LONE STAR STATE.
anon a mouse
I was on a hotel shuttle, almost to O’Hare, when the guy next to me realized his flight was leaving in an hour from Midway. I felt so bad for him.
PolyD
Living equidistant to three airports (DC area), you can bet I check, doublecheck, and triplecheck my departure airport.
Doodles
In college, bf and I were going on a group trip to Israel. The group would meet in Newark and fly direct to Jerusalem (one flight daily on our airline). We booked a flight from a small regional airport, to Philadelphia and Philadelphia to Newark. I have no idea why we decided to fly from this small airport (about an hour away) when we usually fly from the bigger city airport (30 minutes away). Must have been the airline/credit points. We arrived 2 hours early at the regional airport only to find that all flights were grounded for fog (it was May). None of the flights in the bigger airport were grounded. By the time we got to Philadelphia, we missed our connection by 15 minutes. But our bags made it on that flight! We eventually got a flight from Philadelphia to LaGuardia (none to Newark were available for standby). We then had to take a cab from LaGuardia to JFK and were able to take a later flight to Israel from JFK (we had missed the Newark flight by that point). We arrived in Israel a day later than the rest of the group (there’s only 1 or 2 direct flights on our airline per day). And then we didn’t get our bags for two more days since they got stuck in Newark! Someone from the airline drove them to our hotel (the group had left Jerusalem by this point). That bf and I are now married and it’s been 10+ years but neither of us has flown from that regional airport again.
Senior Attorney
I’ve done that. Showed up at Burbank for a flight out of LAX. Missed my flight and still had to drive across town for the next one because Burbank didn’t have any flights to my destination.
Lana Del Raygun
When I was in college, I was going from San Antonio to South Bend and paid extra to fly into South Bend (via Atlanta) instead of into Chicago. Then of course it got really foggy in Atlanta, and after an hour of worrying that the delay would make me miss my connection (and kicking myself for being so paranoid about getting to the airport on time that I didn’t book the earlier flight, which of course I was in plenty of time for), they just canceled the flight to South Bend and offered me the choice of flying into Chicago after all, or waiting 24 hours for the next SBN flight. The South Shore wasn’t running by the time I got in, and I called my sister to ask if I could crash with her and actually sleep instead of waiting in the airport for five hours to take the red-eye airport bus. She said yes but of course I had flown into the airport that was an hour and a half away from her apartment instead of 30 minutes. I had been in transit for going on 24 hours by this point and I was so stressed I cried on the el. People sat far away from me.
pink
Freshman year of college (in CT), i was flying to Seoul (?) and had left for nyc a day or two earlier (I forget why) before flying out. realized I had forgotten my passport in my deskdrawer in my dorm room and had to have a friend get it from my RA (who had the master key to get into our rooms) and then meet me in NYC so I could use said passport and catch my flight.
Actually, that same year I also didn’t realize my flight left from LGA or JFK and not the other until 2-3 hours prior to the flight. Was staying with said friend so managed to give them a slight panic attack.
anon
When I was in college, my parents planned a trip to London over Christmas break. I realized a few days after school closed for the break and about 36 hours before our departure that I had left my passport in the desk drawer in my dorm room. No students were still on campus. Campus was a 10-hour drive or 3-hour flight away. I was 19, so I wasn’t old enough rent a car to drive to campus once I got there. It wasn’t a place with abundant cabs, and Uber did not exist. There wasn’t enough time for anyone to FedEx the passport, even overnight.
My dad flew up in the morning, rented a car, found the dean of housing, who (with my verbal permission) unlocked the door. Luckily, my passport was exactly where I said it would be. Dad flew back that night with my passport. Total cost–$900.
It’s been 16 years since that happened, and my parents and I just last week had a conversation about the lessons we learned from that mistake.
Anon
That’s a really nice dad. My kid would have missed the vacation.
Anonymous
Had it been my dad, I absolutely would’ve missed that vacation.
Anonymous
Something like this almost happened to me. I got to the airport early only to find that my flight was delayed significantly, by about 2 hours. I posted up at the bar near the gate to have a drink and wait. I could hear all announcements clearly and I could see the arrivals/departures list from my seat. I’m an extremely paranoid traveler (ahem, person) so I poked my head out to check the info on the gate itself every ~15 minutes. About 20 minutes before the original departure time, the gate went from 2 hours late to boarding. No announcement was ever made over the loud speaker – not even to board! – and the arrival/departure board wasn’t changed, at least that I saw up until the time I boarded the plane. I only knew because of my paranoia. I’m sure a lot of people missed that flight, it ended up being pretty empty.
CountC
I booked a train/plane combo ticket and thought I was leaving on a Sunday. I drop my dogs off Saturday morning and leisurely make my way home to chill before I need to start packing. Log in to check my travel details and realize my plane is currently boarding in Newark (I am still in Pennsylvania). OOPS
I called Amex and luckily they could get me on a train/plane leaving really early the next day for a $75 change fee because my plane had not yet taken off. Amex credited me for the change fee as I hadn’t yet used that benefit on that card, but I ended up getting a hotel room Saturday night in Philly to catch the super early train. I had forgotten it was the weekend of the Broad St 10 miler so hotels were all sold out. I managed to score a room through Priceline and got put in a huge conference room level suite. It all worked out fine, but man, I felt like a moron!
Anon
I was taking a bus from NH to Logan (BOS) and the bus driver had a mental breakdown. She just started driving around the city sobbing. She wouldn’t stop or let anyone off. She said that she was new and lost trying to find south station. I was on the phone with the bus company who was also trying to talk to her through her radio. We literally drove around Boston aimlessly for well over an hour maybe two. I probably should have called the police but the bus company assured me they were handling it.
I called Jet Blue to change my flight and they were AMAZING. By the time I had called she was back on the highway heading for Logan so they sent an employee to meet me at the bus stop in front of the terminal. With the employee I was able to entirely cut the security line and get ushered right to the gate which was still boarding.
The bus company ended up refunding my ticket, sending an apology letter and sending me a $50 check plus vouchers for future free travel.
It was an experience and I hope that poor bus driver got the help she needed.
Anon
I had a similar experience with a SuperShuttle driver in the Bay Area (I think he was on something) and I didn’t even get a refund out of them.
anon
More than 10 years ago I was at SFO (not my home airport) trying to fly to Oregon and got in line for the check in counter. Except it was a counter for international check ins, and I didn’t realize the airline had different counters located in different places. On top of the time I wasted in the wrong line, it was also the first time TSA banned water so there was a lot of confusion from everyone by the time I got to security. A nice airport worker let me tag behind him skipping the line as he wheeled an elderly person through, but I still missed my flight. I was 21 and looked much younger so they took pity and got me on the next flight for no extra charge.
Original Moonstone
I have so many but will tell just this one: In my legal assistant days, I bought tickets for my boss to travel FROM Toronto TO Chicago instead of FROM Chicago TO Toronto, and of course made the parallel mistake on the return trip. He figured it out on the day of departure and handled it all at the airport but I was sick to my stomach at how much I inconvenienced him. He was really nice about it.
Anon
Interested in a quick poll of average number of hours per week that you work (not just bill). Include role (law firm/in-house/government/etc.) and speciality?
50 (but more 60 hour weeks than I would like)
In-house Attorney specializing in litigation
Ellen
I work in a law firm (boutique WC) as a rainmaking partner in NYC. As a result, there is a difference in the number of hours I consider my self working and the number of hours I bill. Although I do not have exact numbers handy, I think I can use this week as representative.
This week, I worked every day from last Saturday through today, and even for Saturday and Sunday, I was working both on briefs as well as on planning my week and preparing for meetings and CLE slides; I would say 7 hours on both days. So 14 hours of working time. Billings are different. I was able to bill for 3 briefs I completed. It took 5 hours to do the 3 briefs, so I will bill 15 hours for the briefs. The meeting planning activities is also billable. I figured that I spent pieces of time during the day and at night on both days planning maybe totaling 8 hours, so I can bill 8 hours for that. I also did Powerpoint Slides for the manageing partner that are NOT billable to any specific client. It took about 2 hours, but we will be using the concepts for about 12 cleints. So I can bill 2 hours each to 12 cleints, or 24 hours. Therefore, my grandtotal for the weekend is:
Hours worked: 14
Hours Billed: 47 ( 15+8+24)
Anon
50 – In house GC
Anon
Typically 40, with some busier weeks closer to 50. In-house securities law. No billables.
Anon in midtown
public company? investment bank?
Anon
Public company – F500.
Anon in midtown
Thank you! Intriguing!! there are so many in-house securities postings coming my way lately and I wonder if the lifestyle change is worth it but worry that it’s not when so many clients are coming back to law firms.
anon.
35-45 depending on the week
State government attorney. Low pay but the low hours requirement is amazing.
Biggest Balls in the Room
+1 I typically structure my day to work 6:30-3:00 which leave me free to pick up my kid when he gets out of school – litigation attorney in state government. This changes, of course, if I’m in trial.
Anon for this
40-45 on a normal week, 50-55 if a deal is hot. In house transactional.
Leatty
In-house employment counsel. 45 hours/week.
Anon
Interested in your perspective (pros and cons) on being in house dealing with employment litigation v. firm if you have experienced both. Would you also be willing to share your salary and approx. geographic location, as well as what year you went in house?
Thanks in advance from a 5th year employment lit associate.
Leatty
Sure, I’d be happy to. You can reach me at leatty2 at gmail
Anon
Thank you. Will reach out.
Velma
40-45 (sometimes 50). At peak times, I’m working at home (evenings/weekends) or attending evening events, not working in the office. Higher ed, associate director of communication.
Anon
Also in higher ed comms. I’m typically in the office about 35 hours per week but I work from home some, so my total work hours are more like 40-45.
Anonymous
Specialty finance, upper middle mgmt :)
30-40, with occasional spikes to 50-60 at end of quarter or on travel.
BabyAssociate
Boutique regulatory practice. It varies a lot, but I’d say 45-60.
Anon
40-55 federal government attorney
Marie
45-50 average, employment litigation, mid-sized insurance defense firm, East Coast. Obviously ramps up if trial or multiple big dispositive motions deadlined close together.
not a lawyer
mgmt consultant, average is 60-70; easier week is 50-60, hard week is 70-80+
Anon
+1
Anon
35-40, lobbyist
Anonymous
Appellate attorney, government. Typically 40 hours a week, unless preparing for an oral argument. Then closer to 6o hours a week for 2-3 weeks leading up to the argument or more depending on the case. Typically do 4-6 oral arguments a year. Every now and then if my schedule gets backed up I will work a couple of nights or weekends to catch up, but that less than once a month.
Anon
Trade association lawyer. 45-50 hours on a normal week. Sometimes more when I’m trying to hit a deadline.
Anonny
37.5 federal analyst
Anon
40 — in-house for a nonprofit
Anonymous
35-45, jd-preferred in house labor relations middle management at a very large nonprofit.
Anon
80 hours every two weeks. I’m on a flex schedule, so I work 44 hours week 1 and then 36 hours week 2 with the Friday off. Federal government attorney.
anon
state gov’t attorney, litigation. 35-40 hours per week, never more. Low pay (low six figures) but get to spend a lot of time with my kiddo so it works for now.
busybee
I wouldn’t consider low six figures to be low pay, especially for a government employee.
Anon
Yeah, I did a doubletake at that. My dad worked as an attorney for the state and never cracked six figures. Admittedly, he retired ~5 years ago and there has been inflation, but six figures is not low pay for state govt!
Anonymous
Exactly! I am a state gov employee also and only our division directors make low 6 figures. Line attorneys in every agency make 60-85k for the most part.
Sadie
I”m a state govt attorney – low six figures is average once you get beyond starting salary in my state.
Anyway, 45-50 hours in a regular week, more like 60 in a trial week (which is once a month or so.)
Anon
55-60, varies — Biglaw partner, transactional practice (not corporate).
Anon
A question about moving cats, that I’m probably overthinking:
I have 2 adult cats. I’m moving from an apartment to a house that is a 30-60 minute drive away, depending on traffic. We are using movers, and are moving during the middle of a weekday.
We are trying to figure out the best day/time to move our kitties. I see a few options:
1) Move them over to the new house the day before moving day and likely have them spend the night alone there.
2) Move them during the middle of the move when we drive to the new house with the movers.
3) Move them the day after the move, which would likely mean they spend the night alone in the old, empty apartment.
4) Some other option??
My cats are troopers and I know they’ll be fine regardless, I just wish I could understand what they would find least stressful. One is very much a “people cat”, while the other is a bit more independent, so I feel bad possibly leaving them given potential stress levels. On the other hand, I leave them for the weekend occasionally and that’s a much longer period….
Hazel
I’d move them in the middle of the day (reduces back-and-forth time for you) but keep them closed in a small bathroom while the movers are trooping in and out of the house. Hopefully that will reduce both stress on the cats and possibilities for escape out an open door!
Anon
+1
Anonymous
+1 to keeping them in a bathroom while movers are in the house/apt. Put signs up on the doors so they don’t get opened accidentally. Even a friendly animal can slip out the door or get stepped on way too easily in a move.
Anonymous
Definitely this. Don’t let them feel abandoned by you!
Ellen
None of the above. You do NOT want the kitties getting in the way, or worse yet, run out when the movers are busy going in and out of your place with the doors open. If you can take the kitties to a friend or a relative for a day, that would be a better alternative. Even a VET or Kitty Kennel for a day would be better then the choices you list. Rosa lost her kittie when she was in college b/c her roommate pushed her kittie out of their dorm room when her boyfriend started sneezing when he was spending the night fooling around with her. FOOEY! She never found her kittie, but someone else probably found him and kept him.
Anonymous
We did this recently and shut them in the bathroom which we could lock from the outside (and added a do not open sign) till the movers had finished. Then we let them have a last sniff around the house. We took them in the car with us (and the litter tray/food/cat bed) and put them in our en suite in the new house. We had planned to keep them in our bedroom the first few days but in the end we let them out once the movers had left. It took about an hour for them to come out and explore but they settled in really quickly. I wouldn’t have left them alone overnight in the new house or the old empty house though having seen them react to both.
Anon
I moved the cat several days before most of the furniture moved. I say “most of,” because we have a small futon which fits in my station wagon. Disassembled that, moved it up to the new place, slept on it for a few days with the feline, and then the feline got locked in the bathroom when the movers came.
anon
I did a local move recently and boarded my cat at the vet (and took the opportunity to get him a check-up and up-to-date on vaccinations). Woke up early, dropped kitty off at the vet when they opened, met the movers, moved furniture, picked up kitty at close of business, and brought him to the new house.
Anon
Take them with you when you leave your place for the last time. Install them in the bathroom at the new house while the movers do their thing. Don’t send them to send the first night alone at new house :(
Anon
I’m the OP.
Thanks for the suggestions – everyone seems to agree moving them during the middle of the day is best, so I’ll do that. They hate being “locked up” when they can hear other people moving around so I know they will meow and meow through the bathroom door, but at least they won’t feel abandoned.
Anonymous
I have 2 cats, and I shut both of them in the bathroom in my old place while moving. One escaped and was lost for 5 days. I kept going back to my old apartment, and I finally found him on day 5. Make sure you can *lock* the bathroom. He escaped when someone opened the bathroom door. He was scared by the commotion and shot out the open front door. Or, I might even put them in pet taxis/carriers. They’d be unhappy but safe.
anonymous
Yep, agree about unhappy but safe. Keep them in a securely locked room in both places while the movers are in and out. Also put a large sign that there are animals in there and the door should not be opened.
anon
I don’t know whether to love or hate that ribbed turtlenecks are a thing again. Those were my “going out” shirts for the longest time, lol. The last time I wore one, I was a good 20 pounds lighter. Not sure nearly-middle-age me is ready for this.
Cat
I’m just opting out this year. I can’t bring myself to rewear similar styles from my tweens and teens. Forget that I’m 20 pounds heavier than I was in 1997, once was enough! What’s next, claw-clip updos carefully constructed for the perfect amount of hair flopping around at the top?
(Nothing against black turtlenecks generally – I love wearing them under sheath dresses in winter. But the ribbed look with jeans? Meh.)
anon
I have a theory. For the past decade ago, women of all ages have worn a *lot* of the same styles. I think the athleisure look is a big part of that. Now that the ’90s are apparently back, I think a lot of us will opt out and there will be a bigger divide between the styles younger women wear (because they haven’t experienced this nonsense before) and the clothes the rest of us wear.
Claw clips, I just can.not.
Abby
I hope the fashion swings further back…fashion looks from the 60s/70s? Dreaming of a Mad Men wardrobe!
anonshmanon
Oh, the claw clips… Also the zig zag part and scrunchies. Just nah.
Anonymous
Oh, the claw clips… Also the zig zag part and scrunchies. Just nah.
Anon
Same. It pains me to see everything from the 90s is back again. I guess teens might think it’s fun and retro and novel but I can’t.
Anonome
LOL, that’s how I’m wearing my hair today.
In my defense, I’m swearing off ponytail elastics due to breakage and curl damage.
Abby
Try invisibobbies!
Anonymous
That was my airport hair yesterday. I brought a sample leave in hair goo from Sephora and it turned my hair into something crunchy, so I wore my shower claw clip. I also brought a pair of black pants with that wrap front so I was perilously close to harem pants.
Anon
They made me super self-conscious in middle school when I realized the ribbing emphasized my (embarrassingly early developed) bust. Now that I’m older and heavier, and even bustier, ribbed tops are forever out.
NOLA
My mother lived in ribbed turtlenecks in the 80s, but she was tiny and tiny-busted. There is no way I would have worn that look. Unlike my mother, I’m pretty busty.
Anon09er
This was me too. Ribbed tops bring me back to the days of being an awkward middle schooler and high schooler.
Anon
Ribbed sweaters with horizontal stripes! I wore a lot of those. Never again.
Anonymous
Now I think they’d highlight my over-developed and generous tummy.
PolyD
Yeah, ribbed tops don’t work on me anymore either, unless wavy ribs are a design choice.
But I hate turtlenecks now. I used to wear them all the time in freezing cold Michigan, stopped when I moved to DC, and now I can’t stand to have anything tight against my neck like that.
I don’t know, I found stuff to like when we revisited the 1960s and 1970s, and for the 1980s, I could do a little neon with a neutral gray or navy, or maybe cobalt blue, and skinny jeans + flowing tops are the 2000s version of the 1980s leggings and oversized Forenza sweaters. But I can’t think of much from the 1990s that I would like to wear again, even re-interpreted and updated.
Cat
Thoughts on Taylor Swift’s The Man? Interesting she chose to sing about double standards, though I think — although the lyric is funny — she kind of missed the point with talking about Leo and his rotating cast of models in St. Tropez. Leo IS publicly mocked for his inability to date anyone over age 24… he just doesn’t appear to give AF.
Anon
I agree with the point she was trying to make, obviously, but I thought the song is a total dud.
Anon
Hey now, Taylor’s audience is young girls who haven’t experienced much of this (I know I thought the world was a meritocracy when I was 17 HAHA) and I’m glad she’s talking about it. Because it’s certainly real.
Anon
I don’t disagree with your point, but I actually think Taylor’s audience is people who were young girls/teenagers when she first became popular, so basically people who are now in their mid-20s to mid-30s.
Anon
I don’t disagree with your point, but I actually think Taylor’s audience is people who were young girls/teenagers when she first became popular, so basically people who are now in their mid-20s to mid-30s.
Anon
That’s interesting. All the teenagers I know are way too cool for Taylor but I’m glad to hear some aren’t.
Anonymous
I think it’s different. For Leo, it’s more like a side note whereas with Taylor her relationships are normally a main story. No one thinks of Leo as a serial dater first and movie star second. Taylor is still seen by a lot of people as a ‘crazy-ex’ first, singer second.
Doodles
Yea but she chooses to be seen that way… she’s put her relationships and feuds front and center in her music and in any promotion/interview she does. Leo is an amazing actor and his roles are generally nothing to do with his personal life. And he’s not trashing his exes in magazines that I’ve seen. He moves on and doesn’t give AF. It’s not a fair comparison between them and I don’t think it’s because she’s a woman and he’s a man.
Sadie
Where are you seeing these interviews where she trashes her exes? I’ve never seen one. I’ve never even seen her confirm who songs are about. She writes songs, and other people spend copious amounts of time trying to figure out who they are about.
Anon
Lol
Anon
Anyone have tips for developing a more positive attitude? I’ve realized that I’ve become someone who complains a lot and that’s not who I want to be. I’ve been trying to complain less but it’s become such a habit that it’s harder to stop than I expected. Anyone been through this or have suggestions?
Anon
Anytime you complain, make yourself say two positive things as well.
Vicky Austin
Marry an unfailingly positive person.
JK, although this has changed my outlook some. I try to copy his “technique” (he’s not doing it that consciously) of never complaining about anything without adding how I’m going to fix or deal with it.
Rainbow Hair
I started with writing three gratitudes every night — now I just do one. It’s not really a “gratitude” as much as acknowledging one specific, good thing that happened that day. It can’t be “my family” but it can be “laughing so much while tucking in Kiddo because I couldn’t sing Yesterday right.” It’s a great way to end a crappy day, and it encourages me to shift my focus. Also, when I pick up my journal and it opens to a page that’s a few months old, it’s nice to be reminded of a good moment.
Anonymous
+1 – get the 5 minute journal
anon
I really think that knowing that you do it is the first step. It makes it easier to catch yourself. I’ve also found that journaling about the things I want to complain about helps me get it out and then I don’t have to talk about it.
Senior Attorney
There is a web site called A Complaint Free World that I have found helpful. A little corny, but helpful.
Anon
I’ve found this in myself too. I think it stems from my perfectionism and negative-self talk. I can be super mean to myself and hold myself to impossible standards and then I just walk around negative and miserable. I’ve found that when I’m actively working with positive self-affirmations and consciously identifying crazy high expectations and reworking them, the positivity, peace and gratitude flow more easily.
Terrible Maps
Does anyone else follow them (on FB and now on insta)?
I am such a geeking out maphead — the comments are just a rabbit hole I could go down and happily stay in forever.
Anon
No but now I’m going to. This is the sort of nerdiness I am here for.
anon
This sounds fantastic.
Anonymous
The comments in the one about Pearl Harbor are awesome
Anon
This is a slightly embarrassing question, but is there a way to improve your memory? I’m a lawyer and I feel like I just don’t retain things as well as my colleagues. In previous jobs this hasn’t been as big of an issue because I did most of my communicating in writing so I could always refresh my memory before I needed to respond to a question. I’m now in a job where we do a lot more work in meetings talking through things. I have a hard time recalling the research I did on something a month or two ago. I’m shy and introverted so I generally don’t thrive in meetings anyway, but this memory issues is making it worse. It’s making me feel and appear not very smart. Is there anything I can do to improve my memory or has anyone experienced something similar and have any tips?
Boston Legal Eagle
I don’t have the best memory and it’s been made worse since having kids (or maybe I just have too much on my mind!) I write everything down, including daily checklists of tasks and broader lists for the month. Can you write out your research and bring it with you to the meetings? Then you can refer to it when needed.
Anonymous
Separate from memory tricks,do these meetings cause anxiety for you? (I’m guessing yes, based on your comments). Anxiety (and depression) are both well-known for causing memory challenges. Maybe work on lowering your anxiety in the meetings generally, then you’ll feel more comfortable and be able to “find” things in your mind faster/easily.
In-House in Houston
Thanks for asking this, I’m in a similar position. I’m an in-house attorney and this happens to me a lot. I had to update a policy earlier this year and someone recently asked me about it. I remembered that we updated the policy, but I could not remember what changed without looking at my notes. Ugh!!!
Al
This is definitely a trained skill of lawyers. It was crazy to me when I started how much I was expected to remember. Write everything down, prep like crazy for meetings, take good notes on things and review them. You will get better at this if you work at it.
Anonymous
I am wondering if this is really a memory issue, or if you should change the way you prepare for meetings. I also have a hard time recalling the details of research I did two months ago if it was a one-off topic that has not come up again, and would need to pull it up to refresh my memory – I think most people would. But when I go to meetings, I try to anticipate the issues that may come up and think through them/review my notes and relevant research in advance of the meeting. That way, the issues are at the top of my mind. I’m not sure what your specific job/practice area is, but for most meetings, I have a sense, at least at a general level, of what will be discussed so it is easy for me to do this in advance.
If you really think it is a memory thing, I think you need to work through how to process information so that you retain it. I think there are generally considered four types of learners (visual, auditory, reading/writing, kinesthetic), and you could look into those categories to figure out how you learn best and what processes may help you remember.
anon
I think this is normal and characteristic for introverts, rather than strictly a memory thing. They need more time to process information. For whatever reason, extroverts can more easily answer questions at the drop of a hat.
That said, you’ve gotten good advice so far for getting better at remembering things.
Anonymous
I remember things that I write down, but only if I write with a pen, not if I type. So I take notes in every meeting. I also have a memo to file notepad I fill out manually before — with a list of issues — and after calls, with notes on what was decided. If I am not sure about an item I close the call with a run down – so we decided X,Y, and Z and our next steps are (action items). I put a .pdf of it in the electronic client file, so I can find it later.
Anonymous
I have always struggled with this and more so since having kids (and thereby reducing my nighttime sleep by at least an hour). Prepping in a different way is key. I have to set aside time to think through all possible angles and review my previous work in advance. Honestly, using OneNote means I can very easily just look it up, too. In our office we typically bring our laptops to meetings.
Anon.
I don’t think you have a memory issue – it’s normal not to recall the details of something you researched two months ago if it randomly comes up. If that is the topic of the meeting it means you’re not prepared enough, not that your memory sucks. Brush up on meeting topic, including major points of research and the conclusion and write that down. If a very specific question comes up, it’s perfectly okay to say “I can’t recall, let me check that for you and I’ll get back to you right after the meeting”
Anon
Get into the habit of repeating information to yourself. For example, if you dial a phone number, repeat it in your head when the phone is ringing (don’t look at the screen). If you hear someone’s name, repeat it in your own head several times. About ten minutes later, force yourself to recall people’s names.
Anonymous
Recommendations for nice hairstyles that don’t require styling tools? I like to go to 1-2 nice dinners when I travel, but I don’t want to take any tools with me. I have medium long hair. Wearing it down, particularly after a day of touristing, seems a little boring/not that awesome. But completely up hairstyles aren’t flattering for me – so no bun, etc. Suggestions?
Anonymous
Get your hair blown out after sightseeing and before dinner? And with a lot of gunk in my hair, even my fine slippery hair can go into a cute bun / updo / something else the next day.
Anon
I just wear it down. Truly, nobody cares about your hair even a fraction as much as you do (I mean that kindly) and even the world’s fanciest restaurants don’t require blowouts or sophisticated updos.
Vicky Austin
That sounds like a job for an nice simple half-up? Always makes me feel more put together no matter what my hair is doing.
Anon
This is where I utilize the handy dandy middle part slicked back very low ponytail a la Kim K. It looks super sleek and intentional but doesn’t require styling tools, even if your hair is textured. For this, I only bring a travel size gel or mousse product, a mini soft bristle brush, ponytail holder, and a satin scarf I sleep in anyway (tie the satin scarf around the head after styling and let the product set for 5 to 10 minutes – it will be super sleek with zero fly aways.
Anon
Wear a French braid for dinner, or try braiding your hair when damp and wearing it like that during the day so you can take it down and have nice waves at dinner?
Anon
My go to lazy but fancy hairstyle is braid from my part along my hair line and then into a messy bun/ ponytail. Keeps my hair out of my face and looks fancier than the time it takes. It’s just a small like 1” wide braid but it keeps my shorter layers and baby hairs under control.
Book Recs?
Sorry I know this has probably been asked before but any good book recommendations (nonfiction and fiction) for how to deal with someone who has anxiety issues and has a pessimistic mindset (i.e. thinks the world and everyone is against her)? I’m trying to understand a family member better who is on anti-anxiety medication but unfortunately I still do not understand what she is going through and how she is feeling and why she is feeling this way.
Anonymous
What do you need to understand? She’s mentally ill. It’s not a rational thing
Books Recs?
I know she’s mentally ill but I’m trying to understand her perspective on things. For example, when we have conversations, she says I don’t understand where she is coming from. I’m just trying to see if there is a better way to understand her perspective. And like you said, it’s not a rational thing so maybe I can never understand but are there any books for how to best deal with not understanding it and how to best interact with someone who is mentally ill? I just feel like I never say or do the right thing and so I’m just hoping to find something that can help me be a better family member to her.
PolyD
I am assuming you are on the younger side, but just wait until menopause and you, too, may experience the fun of anxiety!
I’ve always been somewhat anxious, but menopause has really ramped it up. To give you an idea – I can make the smallest mistake and in 3-5 steps, my brain has me either dead or in jail or living in a box under an overpass. Part of my brain knows this is not rational, but an apparently stronger part keeps going there.
It can be limiting – imagine being paralyzed to do anything because your brain keeps showing you how doing the thing could result in your doom. At least that’s what it’s like for me. And again, I know these thoughts are not really “real” but they feel that way, and bring with them the racing heart, upset stomach, and inability to sleep.
Book Recs?
Thanks PolyD. I appreciate you opening up and telling me what the anxiety feels like. It’s really helpful to hear what my family member may be going through.
Anonymous
Monkey Brain is helpful on this.
Book Recs?
Thank you, will check this out.
I need coffee
Jenny Lawson is a blogger who has two books (Let’s pretend this never happened and furiously happy), she struggles with depression, and I think anxiety. I thought the books were good overall, and it was interesting to hear her talk about her own journey with mental illness.
Book Recs?
Thank you, will check out the blog.
529
Thanks for weighing in yesterday! It was really helpful to hear from you!
ETFs
What is the deal with ETFs and how are you using them in your investment strategy? I keep seeing stories about them but I feel like I’m missing basic info.
Anon
ETFs are a type of product – like a book – but what is “inside” each one varies. ETFs trade on the stock market like the stock of companies (Apple, Google, etc.) You buy shares through an investing account, usually for a set fee per trade.
I’d suggest reading about Couch Potato investing to get a primer on what ETFs are and whether they fit into your investing strategy. They may not make sense for you if you have access to Vanguard mutual funds directly through Vanguard. As a Canadian, that option doesn’t exist so ETF investing is more common.
waffles
ETF is a broad group. It’s usually a set of stocks, bonds, options, etc, that fit a specific theme. For example, an index fund will match the stocks in a specific stock market index. It can any theme though – high dividend, emerging markets, US bonds, European banks, gold, and cannabis (at least in Canada). Think of ETFs like mutual funds, except you have to buy a mutual fund through a financial advisor, while an ETF can be bought the same way you would buy a stock, like online through a trading account.
There are two main types – active and passive
Passive ETFs are what most people think about. These funds are set up to mirror an index or another specific mandate. The fund manager will buy and sell stocks/bonds/etc to match any changes to its benchmark. Because it’s super easy for a fund manager, and requires less analysis and skill, these funds tend to be super low fee. There has been a lot of evidence that most mutual funds will underperform their respective benchmarks (especially when you include the management fees), so passive ETFs are quite popular.
Active ETFs are more like typical mutual funds, but they still have the convenience of buying through an online trading platform. These can be more sophisticated – for example, I have a market-neutral ETF (which means it holds both long and short positions). The fees are higher on active funds, but the investment mandates can be more varied and specific.
Kohler / kitchen bath question
I am used to buying stuff at big box stores. I had to replace a toilet recently and got the lovely Memoirs by Kohler one. A friend said that the stuff that Kohler sells to specialty plumbing stores is a better quality than what goes to places like HD/Lowes. True?
B/c I need another toilet now and the Memoirs one is pretty. But the one I have sometimes doesn’t seem to be awesome (like it doesn’t run,but has hiccups that I can hear sometimes). I just want something solid that I don’t have to replace in 5 years. [Just get a Toto and be done with it? Even though they are not as pretty?]
Also, for things like faucets / shower hardware / towel racks, is HD/L quality sufficient (maybe more important for plumbing parts than towel racks or TP spinners)? Or just go to the spendy places? [I checked Kohler’s website and wanted to cry when the pretty shower head / knobs turned out to be $1600 — yikes! Maybe I can live with ugly or big box level stuff (assuming that it is the spendy stuff on the website)]
Anonymous
Get Toto. Cutting edge Japanese toilets.
The original Scarlett
+1 – Toto only for toilets
Love Toto
+1000. Love our Toto toilets. Have recommended them to a landlord friend, who is now also a fan.
anonymouse
I use plumbers (try to find master/certified plumbers) and use whatever brand they say they prefer to work with, prefer to fix, don’t have to fix as often, etc. I have bought the last round of bathroom and kitchen hardware from big box stores. The high end stores are way out of my budget for the rentals and even for the house I live in.
That being said, sometimes it’s worth splurging on an item you’re going to look at/use every day. A beautiful shower can be worth the price – I just spent big money on renovating a shower and it’s the highlight of my tiny master bathroom at this point.
Also, I have not ever had to replace a toilet, so my best advice is read all the reviews and scour the internet, along with getting a plumber’s input on brands.
Anonome
I know this is definitely true for Moen products. I got a Moen Kingsley faucet from a privately-owned bath place, and all the parts are solid metal construction, good threading, and robust washers and accessories. Later, I bought the matching toilet handle from Lowe’s, and it is cheap plastic junk. It kept hanging up and preventing the tank from filling, then finally snapped off.
I no longer skimp on any piece that controls water flow. I would not mind the cheap version of towel holders, etc.
anon a mouse
I’ve been extremely happy with Toto toilets. (That feels strange to say, but they work well and have been problem-free.)
The parts in plumbing supply shops will absolutely be higher quality than big box stores. The shop I worked with would price-match, maybe ask about that? I had dozens of pieces for a remodel and I spent a few hours finding the cheapest online price and made printouts with links for my sales rep, and they matched every one. Saved me hundreds of dollars for a little time investment.
Anonymous
I recently had to replace a faucet, and everything available at Home Depot and Lowe’s was made of plastic. I am now considering going to a plumbing supply house to get a metal one because I hate the plastic one so much.
Anon in midtown
Went through this last year. balked at the price of the shower parts /sink faucets for bath and kitchen, etc from hansgrohe (asked my architect–but the costco set up is like $300?). and architect (and trusted friend) told me those break much quicker. sucked it up and bought it because architect discount + if we’re spending almost 100K on the reno, why skimp here to save a few $$ and then have to re-buy in 2 years + hire someone to install, and inevitably the surrounding tile gets ruined, etc etc.
Having been to other luxury rentals and not so luxury rentals after getting used to our good-quality-but-definitely-not-the-most-expensive hardware, I am so very happy with our choices.
Also, we basically tore out all of the 2004 renovations of the prior owner EXCEPT the gorgeous Kohler tub and the Toto toilet–because they were still in good condition in 2018 and both our contractor and architect were like–these are good–you don’t need to replace. it’s super easy to replace the toto toilet seats too because they have standard round or oval.
anon
Very true. Just as a side note, when we were shopping for toilets last year, I heard that Toto isn’t as good as it used to be. (We had a Toto toilet pre-reno, and I really wanted one, even though it broke after about 8 years which was annoying. We ended up getting Kohler, but not for any good reason other than home reno burnout.)
Anonymous
I think it is possible to find a decent toilet at Home Depot or Lowes (we bought there and ours are fine). Just read the reviews. You probably don’t need the best toilet money can buy, you know?
Also, we found great deals on faucets on Amazon Warehouse.
Anony
Yes, the same brand will make different versions of the same item for big box vs. specialty stores. I ran into it while buying a John Deere lawn mower – the one’s at Home Depot had certain plastic parts inside while the ones of the locally-owned, small lawn & garden store were all metal with full service warranties, etc. For items that you want to last forever (water heaters, washers/dryers, any large appliance, toilets, furnaces, maybe some light fixtures, garbage disposals), it definitely pays to shop around and spend the extra money if you can.
And I’ll also say that I bought my shower curtain rod at a discount store and it rusted within 2 years; I splurged on the next one because when you own a home, who has the time to worry about the shower curtain rods, toilet paper holders, towel rods, paper towel holders, etc.? I’d rather pay 4x more and have something (even a silly towel rod) last 10 years, than pay $20 at Target and replace it yearly. I just don’t have the time and mental capacity to be replacing the small things every year.
Anon
The Kohler website has a pretty significant markup, even local showrooms will sell the products cheaper than what is listed on the Kohler website. For things like faucets and other thing with metal, definitely don’t do HD/Lowe’s unless you want to replace them in a few years. They’re bad quality and the finish will wear off. I think the toilet is probably fine.
anonymouse
Need some advice/insight: I interviewed for a new position this week in the company I work for. It will be up to two weeks before I hear back from the new dept as to whether I am hired or not. I feel it was a positive interview and but am needing some insight because this new job would be more demanding than my current one: re: 30-40% travel, and some of it last minute. The job is a promotion, and a promotion to a level that is not so easily attained in my company, so if I get an offer I need to make clear headed decisions.
I am not a natural born road warrior so I am looking for insight on the following:
1.How do you handle lots of back to back travel (in this case to companies to review their products and manufacturing methods, engineering centric travel)? Any tips or helpful info would be appreciated.
2. For those of you who do travel often, how do you make your relationship(s) work? I’m currently dating someone I hope is a long term deal and he also travels for work. As anti feminist as this sounds I don’t want to choose this promotion at the cost of the relationship. However I need to support myself and feel this job might be more satisfying in some ways than my current job. I fear we’ll both be constantly be traveling with few options to see each other. That being said, my company travel policy is more flexible than his and there is the possibility of me flying to see him at the tail end of a business trip.
3. This would be a promotion with a higher base salary, but the actual travel only offers mileage and hotel point accrual. There is no per diem, but actual are reimbursed. I would be adding the cost of pet care to my budget for any week long trips. With cats I feel OK leaving them a 2 days. Any tips on finding formal pet care would appreciated (I typically use friends).
Thank you for your info and insight.
Minnie Beebe
If you want the job, you should take it. You’re not married, and you don’t have children– this is The Time to take on these types of opportunities.
1. If you’ll be travelling often, buy a good carryon bag, and have your toiletries ready to go. Take care of this when you get home from the prior trip– refill things as needed, have separate sets of toiletries to travel with. Travel with a capsule wardrobe– a few key items that can be mixed-and-matched, worn only when travelling.
2. Relationships come and go. Don’t make career decisions around what may or may not happen to your relationship. He travels as well– if it’s meant to work out, it’ll work out. If not, you’ve got this new job with more $.
3. Expense Actuals reimbursement is pretty standard – don’t complain about this. Yes, work travel means things like pet care may consume some of your budget– it’s not realistic to expect that this would be covered by work, just as it’s not realistic to expect that childcare is covered when you’re travelling. They’re cats– have someone come every other day. They will be fine.
BabyAssociate
Totally agreed with all of this, really good advice.
anonymouse
Thank you. This is the kind of reality check and info I need!
Meara
Yeah, but a per diem is so much better—not just because I rarely went over but could when I wanted to, but because it meant not having to save as many receipts! Then again, when I got a promotion out of a 80% travel job, I realized that the salary increase wasn’t much more than I was already not spending from the per diem income!
Anon
Per diem is not always better. My company still makes us produce receipts to receive the per diem, and they pay lesser of per diem or actual. It’s really a pain because their max seems to be based on Midwest prices (headquarters) while I mostly travel to NY and SF.
pugsnbourbon
My former job (Midwest nonprofit) always went off the GSA per diem rates. The max rate for housing in cities like NYC was laughable. We pushed back and got exceptions written into the policy for the 10 cities with the most expensive hotel rooms (there’s a list that’s google-able). I both traveled and booked travel for others and I wasn’t going to put someone in a $200/night hotel in Manhattan.
Anon
@pugsnbourbon, there are plenty of decent $200/night hotels in Manhattan? My in-laws live there and we never pay more than that, and I think I’m a bit of a hotel snob.
Anon.
Anon at 1:17 — Where are you finding decent hotels under $200/night in Manhattan? Because I was curious I just did a quick Kayak search for two weeknights three weeks from now (I rarely have more advance notice in booking hotels). And of the 74 hotels within 1 mile of the office where I travel to for meetings, there are exactly 3 priced at under $200/night and the rating for each is “mediocre.”
Anon.
Frequent travel advice: pick an airline and a hotel chain and stick with it unless massively inconvenient not to. The perks of frequent flyer status and upgraded hotel rooms make frequent business travel moderately less awful. And don’t overlook the value of the mileage/hotel points – my husband and I just spent 3 days in Nice and 5 days in Paris and paid $15.00 total for hotel rooms.
Relationship: you figure it out. If he’s worth it, you’ll make it work and if not, then it will naturally end. Between husband and I, one of us will be traveling every week for the next 7. We find ways to connect when we’re on the road but also try not to expect too much from each other. It may just be a 5 minute text chat because the traveler is exhausted from meetings/dinners/flights etc. As a result of our schedules, we’re pretty solid homebodies on weekends. It gives us the chance to reconnect.
Expenses: Agreed with Minnie’s comment above. This sounds typical. Consider the offset though – lower grocery/food costs because all of your meals while traveling are reimbursed.
anonymouse
Yes – already been focusing on a particular airline and hotel chain for the few trips I currently take, but am looking forward to earning miles on company dime. Your trip sounds AMAZING! Damn!
Good point on the groceries. We used to get per diem on travel (up till about a year ago) so I was spoiled. A lot of my peers are very reluctant to travel these days due to only getting actuals. I’m not opposed to travel. I just don’t want to burden my friends with cat care if I’m gone more and haven’t ever had to find a more formal arrangement.
Anon
I’m an internal auditor and I travel 2-4 times a month for up to 5 days at a time. I’ve been doing this for about 5 years now. (approx. 50% travel)
1. A good organizing system will help you, especially because it sounds like you’ll be doing quality reviews of some type. Five Star makes some very compact accordion style organizers that can fit into a backpack or briefcase (I found mine at Target). Nothing worse than mixing up records from multiple clients.
2. Take pictures or scans of receipts immediately if your company accepts pictures/photocopies as proof – when you’re constantly traveling, it’s so easy to lose those little slips of paper.
3. Make sure you understand the details of your travel policy before you go. There will be probably be preferred hotels, vendors, meal spend limits, etc. You don’t want to get stuck with declined expenses when you’re on the reimbursement model.
4. This is dependent on the timing of your travel, but take as much time as you can to enjoy the location. Eat at interesting places, briefly stop at a scenic view, walk around the airport gift shops. This is key to preventing burnout for me. We stay in a ton of locations that don’t have much going on, but I’m always able to find something that’s new and different. Ask your clients for their recommendations.
5. I’m not great at remembering names, and I meet a ton of people. It helps to be okay with this kind of awkwardness.
6. I agree that you can’t base your life around a relationship. When I dated my husband, I told him that this was my career right now – if he wanted a homebody, I wasn’t the right person for him. It has been kind of fun, because sometimes we schedule vacation around where I’ll be working. If you do want to try to preserve the connection, I sometimes bring little gifts home and we talk every night over IM.
7. When I was single, I used to call in a pet sitter for longer trips – I trusted a person who used pet sitting as their livelihood more than friends or those pet-sitting websites (Rover/Care). This is more costly, and it’s a cost that you’ll have to treat as a cost of doing business.
I love travelling – it’s not always fun, but it’s always different. I think you gain a high tolerance for last minute changes and little crisis moments. I know it’s not for everyone, but you’ll just have to try it and see. Good luck!
anonymouse
Thank you for points 2, 3 and 4 in particular. I hate reading policy details, but in this case I need to know exactly what my constraints and allowances are.
I’m taking notes on all this great advice. Thank you!
Anon
We found good pet care by googling for bonded and insured pet sitters, reading reviews, and meeting them in person. They have a key to our place, and we just let them know when we will be gone and leave a check on the counter.
Put pet food on autoship. It is entirely possible to make last-minute, pre-departure runs to the pet store once a month for three months running. Ask me how I know.
Anon
Put all your staples on autoship and make sure all your bills are autopay! Then you won’t have to use brain power worrying about buying toilet paper for when you’re home. I also keep entirely separate travel toiletries/personal products, even things like tweezers, bandaids, makeup, etc, so my home stuff stays at home and doesn’t get shuffled between purses/suitcases and possibly forgotten.
anonymouse
Thank you for the autoship tip. I need to do that regardless – sounds better than running errands…
PolyD
Read this and wondered, who uses so many staples that they need them on autoship? What do people staple anymore??
And then I figured it out.
Anon
Good point, but I mentioned pet food in particular because the pet eats it whether or not you are home.
If I am about to run out of TP before a trip, I can buy some when I return. If the cat is low on food, that gets bought before the trip.
Anonymous
Petsitter: Ask your vet or other local vet office. When we moved, our new vet was able to recommend 2 petsitters- one that she’d personally used for years, and the other is one of the vet techs- big bonus that she knows what she’s doing and knows our cats now both from sitting and from vet visits!
Anon
I need to get some guilt off my chest. I lost my temper with my husband this morning. He works a lot – comes home at 7pm every night and then needs to work from home until bed. I already feel like I pull a lot of household weight to enable this. I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, packing of lunches, feeding and exercising of pets, etc. on a daily basis, though he does contribute on weekends. This morning out of nowehere he tells me he is applying for an online master’s degree program at my alma mater (so I have an idea of the expected intensity of the program).
I freaked. This masters will have to be completed on his own “spare” time (which, already is nonexistent), not corporate time, and mostly at his own cost. This past weekend we had discussed professional development ideas (like a PMP certificate) but nothing that made me think he was considering an entire second master’s degree.
I WANT to be supportive of his ambitions, but frankly, I don’t know practically how I can be. He makes the same salary as me but works more than twice as much, so even though we are contributing equally financially I am doing close to 85% of the household labour and ALL the household labour Monday-Friday. We cannot afford to hire paid help right now. What is the way forward here? In my shoes, what would you say to your husband? To make matters worse, all of this continued education desire seemed to be sparked when I told HIIM that I wished to do a master’s!! And now all of a sudden he’s enrolling in a master’s…
Anonymous
I personally would lose my temper and demand A Serious Discussion. I am not a house elf here to take care of everything so he can pursue his dreams nor am I interested in a marriage with someone I never get to see. And I would also say, clearly, that actually I need him to step back and support me in getting a masters now, and that is fair.
Anonymous
OMG the bad thing about being married is that you don’t just get to make BIG unilateral decisions like you do when you are single. Maybe it’s time for a come-to-Jesus on this before it gets to the point of him telling you that he enrolled.
And if you don’t have the $ for help, how can he pay tuition? The only way I can see blessing this is if an employer is paying AND it is a short (1year) program AND there is a pay bump at the end AND it won’t matter how he does as long as he finishes (b/c I guarantee that he will not do well (or else he may be single again when he graduates, which I have seen)).
Anonymous
I’d be really annoyed. This should be a discussion between the two of you. Instead, it sounds like he just dictated his choice to you like it’s nbd. It shows that he doesn’t see how his work impacts you – which maybe is a broader problem. It suggests that he doesn’t really see this as a team effort.
I think the situation would be different if he’d approached this as a mutual decision. What is he hoping to gain? What will his schedule and salary look like after he gets this master’s? Is it worth the investment of time and money you will have to make as a family? These need to be joint decisions.
anon
Arggg, I would be so frustrated, too. Sounds like it’s time for a series of tough conversations about what you both want your lives to look like. I’m not sure I have many practical solutions. Are there any home tasks he can take care of from work, like doing an online grocery order during his lunch break? (Side note, I would stop making HIS lunch, like, yesterday.)
anon a mouse
I would have completely lost it too; I don’t think you should feel guilty about it. It’s one thing for him to bring up the idea and talk with you about how to make it work (and what it would mean for your family in the long run which might merit short-term sacrifices) but to just announce that he’s already decided to apply is unacceptable.
It sounds like you are already strapped for time and resources, but if you want your marriage to last, this is a wake up call for couples counseling. You can’t (and shouldn’t) be shouldering this much when his actions make clear he isn’t considering you.
Anon
Yep, I’d be furious. Time for a serious talk, and counseling if that doesn’t work. He’s treating you like an unpaid servant and that is not cool. I’m guessing you have kids too (based on “packing of lunches”)? It’s also horrible for them to be seeing this kind of dynamic, where dad works crazy hours and does whatever he wants in his free time, while mom does all the household stuff and has no time to herself, even though she earns the same amount of money as dad.
Anon
A few questions/ideas for thought:
What is the goal of him getting this master’s? Is it to position him for a different role or career path? Would it make sense for him to move into a less intense job so he can focus on the master’s? If he doesn’t have a goal that makes sense, then maybe it would be helpful to try and get at the root of why he wants to do this and how he thinks it will improve his life.
Can you do less of the household labor or at least shift more of it to the weekend when he is more present? For example, grocery shopping and meals. Can you try grocery shopping and meal prepping together on Sunday evening? Or maybe it would work well for each of you to be responsible for your own lunches and then dinner on certain nights. If he doesn’t want to grocery shop together, then maybe he can do his own grocery shopping to get the food for his lunches and the dinners he’s responsible for making. He should have time for Instacart even if he can’t seem to get himself to the grocery store. And if he can’t be responsible for dinner on certain nights then maybe you just make yourself whatever you want for dinner and let him handle himself. Or you buy food that doesn’t really need to be cooked (salad greens, eggs, pre-cooked chicken, canned beans, etc.) or elements of pre-made food from Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods.
In terms of pet care, can he be responsible for mornings and you handle evenings? That way if he is getting home late, he can’t offload pet care onto you, since he will have already done his share in the morning.
For housecleaning or other miscellaneous household labor, can you have a regularly scheduled time that you do this together on the weekend?
These are just some ideas, but the basic idea is to figure out how to stop doing all of the household labor, which hopefully will lessen the impact of his long hours on you and help you be less resentful. Of course, the larger issue is that he is letting his job take over his life. There’s not a lot you can do about that though if he doesn’t want to change. What you can do is avoid letting his long hours take over your life as well.
OP
Thank you for the way you’ve framed this, it helps give me some logic to work through this. One of the things that ticked me off the most is that he doesn’t have a well-defined reason for wanting to pursue this master’s beyond “I think continued learning is important.” He is an M.Eng and professional engineer and based on our conversation intends to keep working in engineering. I think transitioning to a PM role is very achievable and there are lots of courses (like the PMP certificate) that will help him get there. He wants to do a planning master’s “out of interest” because he is currently working for a developer….
Meanwhile, I work as an environmental scientist but my dream is to be a librarian and this whole topic of a master’s came up because I want to get my MLS. I literally cannot become a librarian without getting my master’s, whereas he can very realistically become a project manager as a P.Eng with 15 years experience without a second master’s degree.
Anonymous
Ok what’s he got to say about treating you as a serbsnt?
Vicky Austin
“Out of interest” can wait. Full stop. If he’s still interested in a few years/even when he’s not working for the developer, he can do it then. Currently, your family is pushed to the limits and something has to give (not pile on!). Best of luck.
Anon
STOP doing his chores for him. He will never notice how much you do until you stop doing it. He will never appreciate the meal you made until you don’t make one. He will never appreciate the clean underwear in his drawer until there is none.
Seriously just stop. No one can take advantage of you without your permission.
Anon
I used to read comments like this on this site back in my twenties, before kids, and thought – this is just aggressive feminism! After children, I am here to concur that this is the only way to go. You might be able to do chores for 2 people but not 3 and 4. I stopped doing my husband’s laundry, I never ever pick up his dishes anymore even if they don’t make it into the dishwasher for days, I don’t touch his side of the bed / nightstand / dresser no matter how nasty it is and I no longer take the dog out when it’s his turn just because the dog really has to go. If there is pee on the floor, he gets to clean it. This originally felt completely passive aggressive but guess what – he now does most of these things on his own within a reasonable timeframe and I don’t have to stack bits of resentment on top of one another every day.
Lily
Anon @ 1:31 pm,I was totally on board until you said you would let the dog pee on the floor. That is incredibly cruel to make your dog wait so long they are forced to have an accident, which, if they’re anything like my dog, is humiliating for them and in the long run can cause kidney or bladder damage. If you wouldn’t do it to your kids, don’t do it to your poor dog.
Anon
Actually I think Anon 1:31pm’s mental health (long-term) is worth more than the mental health of her dog (onetime event).
PE in CRE
Licensed PE here who transitioned from an working as an engineer for 10+ years to working for a commercial real estate developer. This industry is all about networking, who you know, and your past performance/reputation. With 15 years of experience, he should already have a robust client/contact base that he can leverage. If your husband is looking to transition to the owner developer side, getting a planning masters will not help at this stage in his career (unless the class is taught by industry professionals and he’d use it to build his network). If he wants to stay in engineering, how the hell will a planning masters help? So he can be “interesting” and chitchat with the developer at meetings? F-No! He needs to hustle and bring in work for his firm—ask clients what projects are coming down the pipeline, get his name on the proposals, and win projects (helps to have a record of strong performance on past projects…). For transitioning to a PM role within his current firm, take a look at training from PSMJ, which is geared towards our unique industry (IMHO, PMP certification is not really applicable within the prof eng community. Might be helpful if he wants to transition out). My old company sent new project managers to the PSMJ project management boot camp to hone their skills. But definitely get the company to pay for this training since they will be benefiting from his new skill set. Or Option C: shop his resume around. It’s a tight talent market and I’m sure competitors are eager to hire someone with 15 years of experience at the PM level. In my region, some companies pay salaried engineers for overtime either in extra PTO or cash (reading between the lines of your comment, it doesn’t sound like your husband is currently getting paid overtime). Or Option D: look at engineering jobs at the local government…the hours and benefits will be a lot better than his current situation.
Anon @ 11:34
When I say there’s not a lot you can do about him letting his job take over his life, you can of course try to get him to go to counseling with you or you could leave him or any number of other options. I just mean that ultimately you can’t MAKE him change, so you’ll want to think through what you can handle vs. what’s a dealbreaker for you, what outcome is realistic, and then steps you can take to get there.
Anon
These are all wonderful, thoughtful questions… that the husband should have asked, answered, and determined a plan for before deciding to get a master’s.
This is not the OP’s emotional labour, and it should properly be put back on him.
Also, the “I want the shiny thing too” mentality has to go. He doesn’t get the fun shiny things because you want them.
anonymous
What the heck does your husband do that he needs to work that much? I’m not in Big Law or other type of job like that so I guess I don’t understand how a job can be that busy.
Sorry, no advice, but that sounds incredibly frustrating and I don’t blame you for blowing up.
Anon
My guesses would be– employees in different time zones that keep contacting him after hours, employees that work from home and on different schedules, etc., and the “urgent” nature of everything on these types of project deadlines. DH has this same problem, and it is something I’ve been working on with him. He actually has been doing better since he read some management book about time management.
Anon
Honestly, I’d frame it as: Do you want “knowledge” or do you want a wife? I’d have a come to Jesus talk about not only trying to pursue an unnecessary degree without time and without spousal input (especially as related to costs – if you can’t afford household help, you can’t afford a degree) but also about his job. He needs a new job. I would honestly put my foot down as “I didn’t marry a ghost, I married a person and if I never see you or get to spend time with you and my only use for you is to be your household servant, I see absolutely no reason to stay in this marriage. Right now this is not a marriage, you’re my roommate and life is too short to spend it with a ghost roommate”
Anon
Yeah it’s time for a come-to-Jesus talk with him. You’re effectively his servant right now and that isn’t sustainable and it doesn’t sound like you’re able to pursue your dream of becoming a librarian right now. A marriage is a partnership and he needs to acknowledge that instead of assuming it’s his show and you’re along for the ride.
Anon
Why don’t you go ahead and follow your dream as well? I understand there are logistical problems but surely they can be solved. Otherwise, wouldn’t you both just end up resenting each other?
Mlis person here
Please please do your research (SLA, your regional sla/ala before forking out the cash to get your mlis. lots of underemployed in a rapidly outsourced/automated world. many re choosing alternative careers
Anon
I am so frustrated with my weight, and even more that, my body shape. I am a 5’4″ high-waisted pear like that other commenter from earlier this week. I have gained about 10 pounds since my early 30s, very slowly over the course of 4-5 years, but now I cannot lose it. It’s ALL in my belly, hips and butt. I also have that unfortunate anterior pelvic tilt thing so I constantly look six months pregnant. I hate it. I feel like it just bursts out of every outfit and looks terrible.
I am in good shape and do a mix of workout classes like spin, running, yoga, HIIT, etc. so it’s not like I’m just sitting around! And I know I eat less than I did in my 20s and early 30s when I never counted calories.
I have maybe one glass of wine a month. I count every calorie. I am losing, but like half a pound a month. When I was 22, all I had to do was like, stop eating dessert for a week and my weight normalized. Now every day is a struggle. I restrict, count, and then at the end of the day I’m just so tired of feeling hungry and still not making enough progress to feel a difference.
There are so many more things in this world to care about and yet I just want to be thin again and I find myself hating my body more every day. Help. This feels more like a mentality shift is needed than anything else, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling.
Anonymous
I do think this is partially a mind set thing and I have no advice because I often feel the way you do. But if you are looking for specific suggestions, on the anterior pelvic tilt, there are stretching routines you can google that will significantly mitigate that. Also, I know this gets cited a lot, but I would look into some sort of weight lifting/strength training. Building muscle will help improve your shape, and you will be able to eat a little more because you will be burning a few more calories. I was able to easily lose 10% of my body weight, and keep it off, when I started taking a weight-lifting based class, when I had been struggling to lose on cardio alone.
anon
What you’re doing honestly sounds exhausting. You’re already working out and counting every calorie. I do think it’s time for some radical self-acceptance about what your body *is* at this stage in life, rather than what you wish it could be. Unfortunately, very very few women can hold onto their 20-something shape forever. But, I hear you. I’m in my late thirties and struggle with these thoughts, too. (Like, why can’t I just accept that I have thighs at any size?! I’ve had them since I was a kid — that is how I am shaped.)
emeralds
In this vein, I recommend you check out The Real Life RD if you want a great place to start working on accepting your body the way it is: https://www.thereallife-rd.com/
Anon
Yep. What you’re doing sounds horrendously exhausting and (news flash) it isn’t working. Second the recommendation for Real Life RD and have also heard good things about Christy Harrison’s work on intuitive eating and combating your internal prejudice against body fat.
Anonymous
For me, the only thing that works to lose weight is to strictly count calories. Sometimes I get annoyed with this and don’t want to do it. So when I am feeling like that and have gained weight (I seem to have a set weight when I count calories and a set weight when I don’t. I can usually keep from going over my upper range of that weight even when not counting calories, but it is not a weight I am particularly happy with if that makes sense.) Anyway, when I am at the top range of that weight, I make sure to have clothes that fit well. It is uncomfortable to feel like you are bursting out of your clothes, so get a few things that fit well and look great! No matter what size I am, I can still wear beautiful clothes that make me feel more confident!
Anon
10 pounds is really not a big deal and I highly doubt you look 6 months pregnant. Time to accept your body and stop torturing yourself.
Anonymous
Agreed. “Unfortunate anterior tilt”? It’s just a fact. It’s a normal thing. Decide that it doesn’t get to be “unfortunate”.
anon
I don’t even know what an anterior tilt is, TBH, and probably wouldn’t notice it on anyone else.
Anon
I agree that body acceptance since bodies change as you age is the key here, but I wouldn’t discount 10 lbs, especially on a short frame – 10 lbs on a short and small frame can make a drastic difference. (I see this happen a lot with friends who are much heavier – um just because 10 lb gain isn’t much to you as a total % of your body weight doesn’t mean it isn’t a lot to someone else where it is a larger % of their body weight.
Also weight distributes very differently for different folks. I’ve seen women who are the same height and 20 lbs lighter who look much heavier than me because of weight distribution and muscle mass. That 10 lbs distributed evenly on a muscular woman looks much different than one where all of it went to abdomen and outer thighs.
All I’m saying is, don’t discount someone’s struggle just because you don’t think it’s as severe as it could be.
Anonymous
10 pounds doesn’t sound like a lot, but as you age, your body becomes more fat and less lean, so composition makes a difference, too. A more fat body is going to be larger, squishier, and not uniformly large (I am getting more and more shaped like Grimmace). Add 10 pounds onto a changing shape, and the shape has changed a lot (from when you were 18 or 22 or even 30). I am 49. Same weight as when I got my first drivers license, but shaped very differently.
The only solution is to lift weights — you need to get leaner more than you need to get lighter (otherwise, you will be lumpy/squishy, just smaller, and your eye may never thing that clothes look right on you; they will seem “different”).
Abby
So I lift weights and also followed a “cutting” plan from RP Strength. I’m iffy on how I feel about it because it was pretty restrictive, but I did learn a lot. They believe in something called Chronic Dieting, where your body has been restricted for so long, it hangs onto everything even if you’re not eating that much. The article will come up if you search it, and it explains their thoughts and what to do about it.
I also agree with lifting weights – if anything it gives you something to focus on fitness wise besides weight/how you look, and instead you can work towards lifting more, or heavier, which will cause a change in your body.
I’m 27 and I have the same issues with mindset, even though an outsider would think I’m thin. It’s not an end-of-the-world problem, but it’s always on my mind.
anon
Oh my gosh, I did not know APT was a thing. I totally have this and have been super frustrated that my stomach sticks out all the time and most dresses make me look pregnant. I will be starting exercises for this today.
PolyD
It’s hard. I was always thin, and have gone up a couple of sizes over the past few years despite regular exercise and… well, maybe I do eat a bit more than I used to.
I am trying to accept the bigger me. I exercise and try to eat well because that makes me feel better (and maybe I won’t get MUCH bigger!), but, well, I’m 51 and I’m just bigger.
I’m going to suggest trying a personal shopper at Nordstrom or wherever. They don’t know how you used to look and will just work to dress the current you as best you can. It can be hard to adjust your style when you get bigger (don’t I know that!) so maybe getting some help in this will help you look better and feel better. And I’m not saying this just to encourage a shopping spree – sometimes we all just need a little help seeing the real us.
Now I’m reminded of an old What Not to Wear episode where they had the person getting the makeover draw an outline of herself on a big piece of paper – she drew herself MUCH larger than she actually was. Man, they should bring that show back – Stacy and Clinton could be a bit dogmatic at times, but they really did a good job of making everyone look better, no matter what their size or shape.
Lana Del Raygun
I’m so sorry, this sounds really painful. My first suggestion is affirmations! I know they’re kind of goofy but they can help a lot. Sit by yourself and read them out loud — when they feel too fake, I find it’s easier and more authentic to say “I’m learning to…” instead. “I’m learning to love and respect my body the way it is.” “I’m learning to be kind to myself.” “I’m learning that I don’t need to justify my need to eat food.”
My second suggestion is strength training, like go all-in on powerlifting or weightlifting and drop everything else — it sounds exhausting! And it’s hard for me to believe you’re getting any real recovery in there. So focus on one sport, and set your goals in terms of strength. It sounds like you’re trying to shift your mentality *away* from wanting to be thin and hating yourself for not being thin, but you need something positive to shift it *to*. Cheesy, but: it’s easier to stop worrying about how much weight you’ve lost if you can focus on how much weight you’re going to lift tomorrow. And I personally believe that the experience of lifting heavy can guide you into a healthier, kinder headspace and reshape the way you relate to your body and what it seems to be for.
My third suggestion is that it couldn’t hurt to run through NEDA’s screening tool (https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/screening-tool) or ask your doctor for a screening. It sounds like this is a significant source of distress to you and you’re dealing with a lot of self-blame — our culture is so f’ed up about women and bodies and food and eating, and it’s okay if you need extra help and support. You deserve to feel happy and at peace about your body.
anon a mouse
Do you notice a difference based on what you eat? As I get older I definitely am more susceptible to bloating after pasta, bread, rice.
Anon
No advice but total commiseration – I just posted below about at-home thyroid tests because I cannot accept that this weight is just here to stay. I gained 20 lbs over 5 months and have been sitting at the same weight for 4 months and NOTHING IS WORKING. I count calories, I walk, I run, I do intermittent fasting, I drink massive amounts of water, nothing happens. SO frustrating!!
Lobbyist
I do Stronger U for weight managament. You get the amount of fat, carbs, and protein to eat each week and then check in with coach weekly. You pick what you eat. I am 50 and thought I was eating well. I exercise a ton. This helped show me how to eat better (and more protein, fewer carbs, but its by no means low carb). I like it and recommend.
Anonymous
How’s your fat intake? I’ve read you should have 15g of fat at every meal. Think avocado, olive oil, nuts, salmon, yolks, etc.
Anonome
If “defeated by humidity” means “it rains so much that the biome of my area has been redefined” then yes, I’m defeated. It’s so wet here that we’re starting to see amphibians that don’t belong in this geographic area.
So, if y’all have frizz…I’ve got frizz AND salamanders.
Anonymous
I would love salamanders! I had a “BF” in grade school who gave me a salamander to show his love. I lost it at recess (probably better for the salamander that way) and have had a soft spot for them ever since.
Condolences on the Frizz. “Skinny Serum” does the trick for me — I buy in bulk from ulta’s website. SEUS.
Anon
This post was hilarious. Thanks :)
Anonymous
Question: for those of you who like gardening toys with your partner, what do you use and how? How did you introduce?
Anonymous
We like the long clippers with the orange handles from Home Depot ;-)
Lana Del Raygun
I did a full body cringe at this, lol
Anon
I like the trowels with the rubber grip and also the small cultivators.
Anon.
Hahahahaha, I know the gardening tools would come up after my question on gardening books yesterday.
Anon
Tenga SVR
Anon for this
Good question. I have been used to using toys with my previous SO, but haven’t been with anyone since him (yet). Not sure how I will do that. I mean, I have several toys in the drawer and box next to the bed, but I guess I would see what he was interested in, potentially. One thing I’ve been discovering, since I had pretty darn good s3x with my previous partner, is that many men are less adventurous than he was and I’m a little concerned that I’ll be bored or disappointed. My favorite thing, personally, is just to use a v!brator on myself while he’s inside, to come together, even if I already have.
pugsnbourbon
Domi makes what is essentially a handheld, cordless magic wand. It’s great for what you’re describing.
Anonymous
I now understand why mommies complain that it’s so hard to have/keep friends. Maybe you all should try being less sanctimonious about MOTHERHOOD. In the last 2 days I’ve been told twice that [your opinion doesn’t matter] because you don’t have kids. Once we were talking about London — nothing kid related, not talking about kid activities or how hard it is to travel with babies or anything. Literally about travel, good cities to go etc. — and this woman goes to me (late 30s) and a 29 year old — whatever you guys don’t have life experience, you don’t even have kids . . . just because she’s 36 and has pushed out two brats. And then a 47 year old mommy getting all teary because her baby moved all of 15 miles away for college 4 days ago, will be home this weekend, and likely every weekend/every weekend all 4 years and she’s sooo broken hearted. Told her he’s pretty close and she’ll see him all the time and again — oh you’re not a MOM, you don’t understand. Ok well feel free to keep your mama’s boy sitting in your lap until he’s 50.
Anon
Your writing style is awfully similar to one of the usual troll styles, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that I have noticed issues with this as well. I really dislike the notion that having kids makes you a wise oracle on all things life experience-related and that it’s used as a cudgel to shut down discussions about interesting things like screen time’s effect on the brain or how America is car-centric or whatever it is.
Anon
Don’t feed the troll guys. Even if you aren’t a troll, this is just a rant that is only meant to fuel a spark where there is no fire.
Anon
Yeah, it’s one of our resident bridge dwellers. I can tell based on the syntax.
Anon
Yes, what is with all these comments in this syntax?!
Anonymous
Wow
Anon
I mean, yes, telling someone they don’t know anything about London because they don’t have kids is absurd. But “pushed out two brats” isn’t nice language either, and taking your child to college IS a huge life transition that can be very emotional, even if they’re not moving physically far away. If you try to have some empathy people for people i different situations, you’ll likely find that your life is a lot more pleasant.
anon
Well, on the first story, your friend was rude and wrong, and having babies does not equate to life experience.
On the second story, you’re right, but if someone is expressing feelings about their problems, it’s usually not helpful to give them the “silver lining” or tell them it’s not that bad or that they shouldn’t feel sad. The best response to your friend would have been, “It sounds like a tough transition, let me know if you want to meet for happy hour [or insert other activity] one evening.”
Anon
This is not a real post don’t answer
Anon
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m child free by choice, and I think this phase of life is so hard – when everyone else is in the kid stage, and you just aren’t (and in my case, never will be)! It’s super annoying to have every conversation turn to kids. And the “oh you don’t have kids” thing makes me furious; I’ve seriously distanced myself or ended friendships with people who say that.
Anon
Trying again because languishing in m*d for way too long…
Your writing style is awfully similar to one of the usual tr*ll styles, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that I have noticed issues with this as well. I really dislike the notion that having kids makes you a wise oracle on all things life experience-related and that it’s used as a cudgel to shut down discussions about interesting things like screen time’s effect on the brain or how America is car-centric or whatever it is.
Clementine
Yeah, they just sound like a$$holes. Regardless of parenting status.
Anon
Just gonna say that I know a few people like this and it’s really obnoxious. Distance is good, as is finding other friends (single, married, parents, childless by choice). The Smug Mommy brigade can hang amongst their own.
Solo Wellness Resort Travel
I have a high intensity job and I’m starting to feel fried. I need a vacation and the time I’m able to take off doesn’t coincide with anyone I would travel with (romantic partner, sister, etc) so I’m thinking of going to a wellness resort. Has anyone done this? Did you feel renewed?
Anon
Are you comfortable traveling alone? My restorative trips involve solo trips to a place that I solely want to go and doing whatever I want, even sleeping in and vegging out, with no one to make me feel guilty- it’s very freeing. My favorite was to northern Arizona. Played in the snow, saw the Grand Canyon, got spa treatments in Sedona, all in one week as a lot of wonderful places are fairly close.
Anon
Has anyone done an at-home thyroid test and can speak to the accuracy?
After stupidly crash dieting before my wedding late last year, I’ve gained 20 pounds this year and no matter what I do, the scale is not budging. It’s hard for me to get in to see a doctor so if there’s anything I can test from home, I’d prefer to do it that way but obviously don’t want to waste the money if it doesn’t work.
Anonymous
No this is silliness.
anonymous
Why is it hard for you to see a doctor? Even if you did an at home test and discover you have thyroid issues (which I don’t think they exist) you would still need to see a doctor to get a prescription for medicine. The bloodwork the doctor does could also point out other possible issues.
Anon
I travel for work and my doc isn’t open on the weekends so it’ll be a few months before I can get an appointment, I figured I could see if there’s an issue on my own before making an appointment to confirm and get a referral to an endocrinologist (which I’m sure will be an additional few months).
I appreciate the point about the blood work a doctor does could uncover other issues. Frustrating but I guess I’ll hold out for an appointment. I should have just asked the last time I went a few months ago, but at that point I was still thinking I could lose the weight on my own. Despite being very overweight, my blood pressure was normal so I guess she didn’t feel the need to run extra tests and I didn’t ask. Sigh at the missed opportunity.
Anon
Fwiw, I saw my endo for the first time four days after I was referred. I have hyperthyroid which can be much more serious, even life-threatening, and it sounds like you would have hypo if you have thyroid problems, which is less serious. But it is possible to get into a specialist quickly.
Anon
Does this actually exist? I thought this was basically what Elizabeth Holmes & Theranos (allegedly) invented and it was all BS.
Anyway, I would call your PCP or OBGYN if you don’t have a PCP. I have thyroid disease and my OB was able to call in basic bloodwork for me and then refer me to an endocrinologist when it came back abnormal.
Anon
To clarify, I meant the kind of services that send you a kit, you send back the blood sample, they test it and send you the results. So not an actual at home system. The couple that I’ve seen from G search are Everlywell and Let’s Get Checked.
T
No, Theranos proposed to do this using a single drop of blood. At home kits that require a testable amount of blood are legit. You’re basically doing the same lab testing process that a doctor would order for you to complete at a place like Quest, but through a less efficient process because you’ll use finger pricks rather than a blood draw from a phlebotomist.
Anon
Yes, but how can you possibly get enough blood through finger pricks? I have thyroid disease, and they are loading vials plural when I have my routine tests done at the doctor’s office.
Anon
Yeah I have thyroid disease and have my blood drawn monthly and they take three vials every time. My infant daughter also had to be tested for it (because of me) and they had to subject her to a blood draw too. The doctor said a finger prick would just not get enough blood to check thyroid hormones.
anon
Some medicals labs (including the one in my tiny town) are open on Saturday at least, if you could have your dr call in the test orders.
Anon
I didn’t know that might be an option, thank you!!
Sparky
Philly ‘rettes any recs for a good psychiatrist/ therapist for relationship issues? individual or couples. Thanks.
Anonymous
Merin Wexler out in Roxborough.
Anon
Elizabeth “Libby” Gilbertson at the Center for Growth.
Anon
Sorry I messed up and I think her name is now Elizabeth Diamond.
Anon
Elizabeth Gilbertson at the Center for Growth in Philadelphia.
Anon
Is there such a thing as a nice looking packpack that converts to crossbody and has a luggage sleeve? I generally want to use it as a backpack, but at the airport I will need to wear it as crossbody because I’m carrying a collapsible kid bed on my back. Needs to fit a 13″ laptop and not look ridiculous on a 5’2″ woman. So far I found Tumi Jena but the straps have no padding and are super thin. Budget up to $500. I don’t care if it’s meant as a diaper bag or a camera bag or whatever.
Anon
Oh, and I’d like it to be light (2.5 lbs or less) so leather is probably out.
Anon
Look at the Sherpani tote. You can get it from REI. I have it and it gets the job done, although I don’t love it. I’d give it a B or so because it just doesn’t have as many functional pockets as I’d like and I don’t find it to be the most attractive bag in the world either.
anon
I love my tumi voyager in black leather. i think you’re stuck with the whole “turn into a cross body thing”. also, if you’re already carrying a bed on your back, don’t you want to just put the backpack over your rolling luggage with the luggage strap??
i though about the cuyana backpack but it turns into a shoulder strap, not crossbody and no luggage strap.
Lilliet
Tom Bihn Aeronaut 30 or 45.