ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 318 Comments

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Riverside Plissé Pleated Wide-Leg Pants

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A woman wearing bright blue pleated pants and sandals, and a white top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

If I have to get dressed to go to the office, a fluid, drapey pant might be the best way to get me excited about leaving the house. These lapis blue pants from Lafayette 148 New York are just so gorgeous and comfortable-looking, I would want to wear them to the office with a blouse and structured blazer, and then at home with my favorite pajama top.

I think the trick to pulling off a wide leg like this one is to keep the top somewhat fitted and well-tailored, just to avoid the full-on pajama look.

The pants are $798 at Nordstrom and come in sizes XXS–XL.

A few options on the more affordable side (in various fabrics) are from Ann Taylor (sizes 00–16; $119 with 30% off at checkout), Anne Klein (sizes 2–16; $49.95 on sale), Banana Republic (regular sizes 0–20, petite 0–12; $149), and Eloquii (sizes 16–28; $89.95).

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Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

318 Comments

  1. Shopping help requested! I don’t know what’s stylish anymore and I’m getting invitations for outdoor coffee or lunch with colleagues. I would love to find a go to outfit for this, something tailored but casual. No ruffle puff. The only restraints are that it is hot here (85 or so) and I have a strong preference that the outfit go with navy or nude pointy or ballet flats I already have. Brooks Brothers and JCrew are failing me. Budget is 250ish.

    1. I like a good shirt dress in the summer and have a few along with washable ponte options. If Brooks Brothers is your normal go to what about these? I’d also check out Hobbs at Bloomingdales, they excel at this kind of thing.
      Classic shirt dress:
      https://www.brooksbrothers.com/belted-shirt-dress/LX00046.html?dwvar_LX00046_Color=BEIG&quantity=1
      Washable Ponte sheath (I have this one, it’s washes nicely but can wrinkle pretty easily)
      https://www.brooksbrothers.com/ponte-knit-crew-neck-dress/WX00702.html?dwvar_WX00702_Color=YELL&quantity=1
      This is just fun:
      https://www.brooksbrothers.com/stretch-cotton-seersucker-sheath-fun-dress/WX00679.html?dwvar_WX00679_Color=MULT

    2. How do you feel about linen? I just got a short sleeve, midi length, button down linen dress from Quince. It will be in heavy rotation now that it is hot outside.

    4. Straight navy pants, a navy tank, and a tailored crisp white shirt worn over the tank, tucked or untucked depending on what you’re comfortable with/what is flattering, but open enough at the top that you can see the neckline of the tank. Cool earrings.

        1. Dressing like I’m over 65, living in FL, and shop at Talbots is my soul style! LOL! I have to remind myself I’m 32 not 72.

        2. Why though. It’s preppy/classic, minimalist, and OP is the opposite of ruffle puff.

    5. I am really loving Spanx pants right now. I have the wide leg twill in olive and white and the “on the go flare” in red and black. Places like Boden, ever eve, anthropologie or Johnny Was have a lot of cute easy prints that I feel like you can a bunch of things with.

      The ever eve Kiera smocked neck blouse has been my most worn work piece this spring. I can do it with the white or olive pants and wore it court under a gray suit. It’s pretty and breezy enough for real heat, but still adulty.

  2. Has anyone traveled recently from the US to France with a minor child? Delta is asking me to upload a copy of my vaccine card, but for the child (16 years) they seem to be saying a negative test is required, with no option to just show proof of vaccination. Is the website wrong, or is this actually what they are requiring these days?

    1. My understanding is that as of mid-March for travel to France, any unvaccinated person over age 12 has to present a negative test. If you are vaccinated, you do not have to. Not sure why the Delta website is saying that your son has to have a negative test if he is vaccinated.

    2. We went to France in April with 11 y/o. We all had to upload vax cards and have proof of negative tests within 24 hours of return flight on Delta.

    3. Not with a minor child, but I went to France in March. For the flight into France, I only had to have a vaccine card. For the trip back, I had to have a vaccine card + negative test. From what I saw, those were the rules for anyone over 12 and over. Does your 16 year old have their booster? For entry into France, “vaccinated” is two shots + booster if the first two shots were completed 9 months ago or later.

    4. Can anyone address what happens if you contract COVID while in Europe? I’ve heard people sometimes test positive for months after an infection. Is it possible to be trapped in this situation/ unable to board the return flight?

      1. You can use a positive test + a recovery letter. This happened to a friend – she had no symptoms, so per CDC recommendation, she was good to travel 5 days after testing positive. She just hung out in a hotel and worked from there and ordered delivery until she could fly back. It wasn’t ideal, but it really wasn’t that bad.

        I would however recommend doing the video tests so you can control your own quarantine – she basically just called the hotel she was in, extended her reservation, and that was that – lots of food delivery.

      2. You only test positive for a long time by PCR. You can come back into the US with a negative rapid antigen test and those don’t stay positive for months, but just while you’re contagious.

          2. Help me understand why you love them. And why not just go to Marshalls and find something similar for like 1% of the price that probably is machine washable?

          3. Not the OP who loved them, but while I wouldn’t pay $800 and I don’t love the color, I like the idea of flowy pants. I’d have to see the pleats/wrinkles in person, but I don’t totally hate these.

    2. Elizabeth, I like these! Mom has a pair very similar to these and she says they are very airy for the summer. These look nicer, and Elizabeth has good taste, plus I bet she has the flat tuchus to look good in these.

      Note to the HIVE: If you are short, make sure the length issue is addressed, so bring it to your tailor before walking on city sidewalks, because you dont want any dog urine getting them wet and staining your ankles.

      I will also get a pair and wear them to work (not court, tho), as I do like them! Great pick, Elizabeth!!!!

  4. I am looking for business-casual (business emphasis) pointy-toe flats that I can wear with work dresses (formerly worn with block heels). The kicker is that my feet have had some orthopedic setbacks lately and the foot doctor wants me in thick, preferrably rubber-soled shoes. A dainty loafer might also work, but what can you think of as an executive shoe that works with a dress that has a thick-ish sole? [I’m hoping that I can tuck orthodics into these, but if not, will be better than nothing and better than my current work shoes.]

    3. I have a pair of Stuart Weitzman Palmer loafers that could fit the bill. Also Sarah Flint Natalie, though I find them to be uncomfortable even though they are beautiful. M Gemi often has styles like what you are looking for too.

      1. I also found the SF Natalie flat to be the most uncomfortable shoe I’ve ever worn.

        1. I have read that from so many people that I have not even bothered to try it. I want something like that that works with my duck feet and high arches. Maybe Birdies?

    4. I got some loafers from Talbots a month or two ago that had thicker rubber bottoms, but they didn’t look like casual lug soles. I think they’re very nice and definitely appropriate for work. I think they run a little big – I usually do a 7.5 in shoes I’ll add an insert to (basically almost all shoes except sandals) but I think I was able to stick with a 7 for these.

    5. I’d start with cheaper options and work up from there. Have you looked at Talbots? Sperry also has some surprisngly sleek and comfortable loafers/flats. I wear the Saybrook loafers often, and while they aren’t omg gorgeous I think they’d work well enough with a dress. You might also like the “seaport” penny loafer. LK Bennet and Hobbs both make gorgeous flats but are $$.

      1. I have plantar fasciitis. I’m sad to say that Saybrooks are now my “goal” shoes–I have a pair I love and previously found extremely comfortable, but the footbed is not removable or shaped enough. They can’t be swapped for orthotics.

        Try Vionic or Ecco. Merrell may also work. I suspect you are going to have to give up on “pointy,” although slightly tapered may be achievable depending on your foot issue and shape.

    6. I purchased awesome loafers from Boden this winter at a good price point – check that out if you haven’t already

      1. +1 – I have a number of shoes from Boden, I find their shoes extremely well made for the price and they have some really cute flats!

    7. Would try Clarks. They have a couple of pointy loafers that are a little more dainty like the Laina and Hamble, and maybe the Eden or Orinoco ones if you do need very chunky. Those have a very, very slight heel raise, not a heel, but not zero drop. Georgia loafers are even more flat.

    8. I just bought some LifeStride loafers. Not pointy toe, but they are cute, current and comfy. Can’t ask for more! The style name was the Traveler.

  5. PSA and also any advice/commiseration appreciated. I’ve only had one partner and we only sl&pt together a handful of times ~3 years ago, we used protection, and I had received my full round of Gardasil shots (though it was the original vax, which covered fewer strains). Despite all this, I just received an abnormal pap and HPV+ test and need to get a colposcopy. I have been freaking out though I know, rationally, that it’s not necessarily huge cause for concern. Any advice / commiseration appreciated!

    1. There’s definitely no need to freak out right now. I know more women who have had HPV than not. My question is you have not been gardening for three years but only just now are testing positive? Did you not get tested for HPV for 3 years?

      1. I did a test and pap post-this person 3 years ago and it was negative / normal. So this was an extra surprise. I did read that HPV can be dormant and flair up again.

        1. Same. Married 14 years and had a + test during lockdown and since I’m done with kids went ahead and did the LEEP. Get your B vitamins and boost your overall health — your body can fight this off, but giving it all the help you can may not do the trick and a good OB can help you spot / remedy it all early. [Also, a LEEP wouldn’t rule out another baby, just needing more care to ensure the cervix gets any help it needs to keep the baby in — e.g., cerclage, etc.]

          1. I had a LEEP and was told not to get pregnant for 6 months as a precaution for heeling. Fell pregnant 7 months after LEEP, delivered 15 months post, and had no extra measures taken. Mom and baby perfectly healthy throughout.

          2. Also, if you do a LEEP ask for some sort of local or general pain meds. Can you imagine a man being told they’re going to snip out a piece of his colon but don’t worry, you won’t need any pain meds because the colon doesn’t have any nerve endings. No, because that’s insane. Yet women get told this constantly about gynecological procedures. I had a LEEP in my 20s and cramped/bled for a few days and felt like I was going to pass out on the NYC subway after without any medication because ‘it was a simple out patient procedure’. And oddly, women doctors have been worse for telling me to ‘toughen up’ than male doctors.

          3. FWIW, I had kids several years after having a LEEP and didn’t require any more care than usual (no cerclage, etc.).

        2. I’ll mention again my friend who had an intervention for dysplastic cervical cells way back in the 1990s (I’m not sure exactly what the procedure was, but more than just freezing off cells) and went on to carry twins to term a few years later.

          I had a diagnosis of HPV and dysplasia back then, too, had cryosurgery and nothing untoward since. Have only had 2 partners in the meantime but neither of them got HPV.

          Double check this, but I recall reading somewhere that it is not unusual for young women (early 20s and younger) to appear to have dysplastic cervical cells that aren’t actually pre-cancerous. So, agree, with all the others – no need to panic.

    2. Don’t worry about it. It’s probably nothing, early screening is great at catching it.

    3. HPV can also clear itself up on it’s own. No cause for concern yet – just make sure that you are getting regularly screened.

      1. Hi, I had shingles a few years ago & then had HPV show up & had a virus related to HPV show up on my tongue. Had biopsy for abnormal cells & was fine. HPV went away. Now, I have Covid & the virus is back on my tongue. My doctors have told me that when I get tired/immune system down that these sort of issues will happen. It is all no fun & a reminder to take care of ourselves. Hang in there, see your doctors, get some rest (easier said than done, I know….).

    4. Hugs to you! While I haven’t had HPV, but Myrna has and she is dealing with it. I suppose I have been lucky b/c the men I have been with were schlubby (meaning they were not with women before), or I was very lucky particularly in the case of Gonzalo, b/c he was likely with so many women that he could not count them (but I insisted on his wearing protection 100% of the time, even when he started to whine about my bedroom requirements. But remember, all is not lost, you have treatments and you don’t even know yet if you have any strains yet. So keep your chin up and think positively and you will get thru it!

    5. TLDR: have had several abnormal paps for HPV, one colposcopy plus LEEP almost 20 years ago, got pregnant at 38, got the vaccine once it was approved for “mature women,” have had a LOT of partners, and everything has been fine.

      1. I did not know that the vaccine was approved for mature women.

        Wondering for the gobs of people who never got it for their sons. Even for men in their 20s, if their parents didn’t get it for them as teens, it makes sense for them to just get it now?

          1. Although definitely get the cost ahead of time. Idiot me did not and discovered after the first shot that it was going to cost me $1200 out of pocket at the end of the day bc my insurance had no interest in covering it.

    6. more anecdata: i had an abnormal pap and tested positive in college. I FREAKED OUT. As you do when you have slept with several guys (with protection) over the past few months.
      I had the colposcopy and had paps every 6 months for 3 years, then annually. I’m 38 now and I’ve never had another abnormal pap.

      1. +1 I had one abnormal pap, all the attendant procedures returned normal results, and I am now convinced that it was an over-reading or a straight up error. It happens.

    7. I’ve had abnormal PAPs and colposcopies and all turned out well in the end (resolved on its own after a year or so). No need to freak out yet :)

    8. Don’t freak out. #1, HPV has more than 100 strains, less than 15 of which are risky for cancer. #2, In most cases your body will effectively fight the virus, you’ll have no symptoms other than an abnormal pap, and in 2-3 years you will be fine.

      Just get a pap every 6 months for the first 2 years and reassure yourself.

      Also you didn’t mention it but just to add: as far as I am aware there’s still no regular test for men, so this also isn’t evidence mal intent from your previous partner. C(nd(ms aren’t a guarantee against HPV transmission, and the prevalence is high (I think 10% in many European countries and even higher in the US in any given year).

      1. This. And the number of partners has nothing to do with it either. I’ve gardened with near triple digits and never contracted a thing. It’s a lot of luck.

  6. Hey pals! I’m looking for a simple heart rate monitor and step tracker. I’ve looked at all the usual places online, and am overwhelmed by the options. I would prefer a non-watch option, does that exist?! Wise hive, help me out!

    1. I’ve had a series of different fitbits over the years that work just fine for this and are really easy to use. I currently have the Inspire 2- basic wrist band that counts steps and heart rate and measures sleep. I have very small wrists, so I don’t want a big screen- this is perfect.

    2. You need something attached to your body in order to monitor your heart rate. If all you want is a step tracker, if you have an iPhone, the app is built in! But if heart rate is an issue, unless you want to strap a Polar device to your chest, which is even more noticeable, just get a watch, like my Fitbit VERSA. I have the Versa 2, but there are newer options. You can also join the crowd that gets Apple watch, but those in my view do not get the same looks from men interested in starting conversations, since there are so many of them out there. Besides, the FITBIT VERSA is thinner, and who needs a clunky thing on your wrist anyways?

      The best thing about my Fitbit is the sleep tracker. It is so easy to sleep with this watch on that you won’t even know it. It tells me how long I sleep, and the number and when I am awake, and the types of sleep I get (REM, Deep, Light, etc). If I get up to go to the toilet at night, I can see when that is too! It also has hints to improve sleep and everything else. Have a look at the Versa 2, because it’s not the latest model and you can get for about $150, rather than the Versa 3, which goes for over $200.

    3. I have an Oura ring, and I like it. It didn’t have a ton of functionality until about 3 mos ago, bc I am on droid, but I love waking up and seeing how much REM sleep I got, my pulse all day, my steps. It’s fun!

    4. Kind of off the wall, but Lands End Corporate carries truly machine washable suits. Very basic cuts, include multiple options, and pack beautifully. They do carry a bit of a flight attendant vibe in fabric and style, but I can get behind putting a different shirt/scarf with them every day and calling it a new outfit. Mine were very modestly priced and have worn like iron. These are great for the times when you need to just check the “I’m wearing an actual suit” box.

      Be sure to opt out of any mailing lists you can, they will put you on some sort of corporate/commercial mailing list that is a little annoying, but can be canceled out of. They usually have some sort of sale code going on, too. If they don’t have your size/color on the regular site, call the 800 number or look on the corporate site. Good luck!

  7. After 2 kids and a pandemic, none of my suits fit. I have a trial in federal court at the end of the summer, and all I can find in my usual suit-shopping stores are suits with ankle pants. I hate ankle pants, but I don’t want to spend my whole years’ clothes budget buying new suits. I prefer pants to skirts but I guess I could just get all skirt suits. Are these seriously what we’re wearing now? Can I wear ankle pants in federal court?

    2. Ann Taylor has quite a few options on their suit page, scroll down past the pastel stuff and there’s black and navy pant and skirt suit options.

    3. Ann Taylor Straight Pants are full length. I mostly skip the issue by wearing suits with sheath dresses instead of pants or skirts.

      1. That’s legit, but it doesn’t work with my strategy of wearing the same suit for multiple days with a different shirt and pretending it is a whole different outfit :)

        1. Also legit! I like to have two sets of different colors with different pieces, so for trial:

          Day 1: first set with a dress
          Day 2: second set with a dress
          Day 3: first set with pants
          Day 4: second set with pants
          Day 5: first set with a dress but noticably different accessories and hair so we can all pretend together

          Never had a two week trial. I had a two week trial set and my plan was to buy more over the weekend if necessary. Case settled hours before we started

      2. Gah I looked at AT Straight Leg Pants and they only have them in blue in sizes 0 and 2, which… I am not. It appears every other size is sold out. This shouldn’t be so complicated!

      1. Theory is out of my budget – now that another commenter pointed it out I do see Banana Republic has like one pair of full length pants. I didn’t think they had a matching jacket at first, but after some digging it does look like “Long + Lean Blazer” matches the “Logan Trouser Pant”? I guess I’ll accept a long blazer over a short pant.

      2. I was thinking of the Wide Leg Wool Pant from Banana – it is definitely more of a fashiony look, but very long.

    5. No idea what your sizes are, but I have two Talbots suits (Black and Navy) that I bought to interview in 2020 which I cannot imagine I’ll ever wear again. They are a poly crepe material which, based on other garments I’ve had in that material, will travel without wrinkling and wear like iron. The blazers are collarless and slightly cropped (not the current LOOOONG style, and not the shrunken style from a few years ago). The pants are new with the tags still on, since I didn’t need to wear pants for Zoom interviews, and are full length, lined, and have a wide-ish straight leg. The blazers are 12 petite and the pants are 14 petite, with a 28 inch inseam. I am happy to mail them to you for free. If the sizes don’t work for you perhaps someone else reading these comments could use them.

      1. That’s a really sweet offer, but not my size! I do feel like this site should have an ancillary marketplace though to facilitate swaps just like this :) I have a bunch of stuff I would list if it did!

      3. If the OP can’t use them, I certainly can. I will, of course, pay for shipping! Let me know :)

        1. Hi Mel! Send me a note at pgpshops at yahoo and we can coordinate. So happy to send these suits off to a good home!

    6. I got a suit with full length pants from Macy’s last summer. I believe Calvin Klein brand.

    7. If your trial is at the end of the summer, all of the suit-carrying stores will release their new season line in August, and you’ll have more choices (plus old stuff on sale).

      1. That’s a good point. I usually wait for a suiting sale at Ann Taylor or Banana Republic, maybe I just need to wait this one out. It just seems like suiting goes on sale really rarely so I gotta plan ahead!

    9. I recently got a suit on Poshmark for very little; with so many workplaces getting more casual it’s worth taking a look if you have time! (I got a full length pants suit in formal cut and fabric for $40). Searching by brand can help narrow results a bit.

      1. Thanks, that’s a really good idea! I’ve never signed up for Poshmark so it is worth a shot.

    10. J. Crew Factory has both cropped-length and full-length of the Ruby. I’m wearing the cropped right now and they’re pretty well made. They should get you through until something a bit more high quality comes back around in full length. Or you can save up for Theory. Either! :)

      1. I didn’t know J Crew had a factory version! The Ruby looks like a solid pant but I don’t see a jacket in a matching material.

  8. Any thoughts on Cape Town as a destination for a fall honeymoon? My fiancé and I love nature and good food, and we don’t have a huge honeymoon budget. Is September/October a good time of year? Is it safe (in terms of crime, covid response, wildlife, etc)? If we go, what should we do and see?

    1. All I wanted to do on my honeymoon was garden and relax. If your budget is limited, I’d consider something driving distance to you at a nice hotel or resort.

    2. I’ve heard from multiple people that Cape Town is not a safe city. I know one person who got mugged and another who goes with security when they are there for work. Personally, I want to relax and not watch my back that much on vacation, aside from the usual precautions you would take in any cityZ

    3. What do you mean by “not huge”? Like just the flights to SA are not cheap. Do you mean you have $10K and so aren’t about to do a side safari at one of the $2500 per night packages but would have plenty to enjoy yourselves with in town…. or that you have $5K and therefore the flights alone would take up a ton of your budget?

      As a destination, it has something for everyone – views, wine, food, penguins!, hiking, relaxing.

  10. Im going back to grad school part time and while my job will pay for most of my degree, my budget will still be pretty tight for the next few years so looking to stretch it as far as I can.

    That being said I have two questions: what are good student discounts you know about? Best tips for things that will save me both time and money or are a worthy trade off (aka worth spending money on a roomba because it will save me time but skip the meal kit because the time saved isn’t worth the money spent).

    1. Skip the meal kit — eating very low on the hog is your friend. Learn how to make a good dish from canned tuna. Ditto pasta. Ditto a peanut-butter sandwich that you love (e.g., with good strawberry preserves, honey, honey + banana, on toast, etc.). I’m well into my career and still consider meal kits spendy for what you get. You could spend that $ on a good piece of cheese to grate over your bargain pasta and still be ahead.

    2. Honestly my best tip is don’t save money by shopping. The great thing about a roomba discount is: a roomba is a luxury you don’t need as a student stretching your budget, don’t buy one. Definitely no meal kits even splurging on pre cut veggies at the grocery store is way cheaper. Drug store skin care and makeup is fine.

      1. Yeah what did I eat as a student – a lot of pasta, sandwiches, baked veggies, iced coffee I made in my apartment, free food from department lunches. Now that I think of it even though I was going back to school after working it didn’t feel like I was deprived but I also definitely wasn’t spending much.

      2. yeah, discount programs are designed to make you buy things that you wouldn’t buy otherwise. I wouldn’t spend a lot of time looking there for sticking to your budget, unless you start seeing student discounts for staples like toilet paper and dry rice.

        1. Sorry – was thinking more like Amazon Prime, Spotify, and other services that I already use and pay for but if they have a student discount then that’s great. I dont plan on signing up for new services just because there’s a discount

      3. I’m so glad I finally realized in grad school that buying precut vegetables DID save me money. I was literally throwing money away when I didn’t cook because I didn’t have time for meal prep and I was throwing rotten vegetables away.

    3. Meal kits are not worth it at all but frozen chopped veggies can be. They’re pretty cheap, don’t go bad, and already chopped for you.

      1. +1 to frozen veggies. Steamed veggies w/ rice or pasta, a fried egg and a little parmesan is still a go-to meal for me.

      2. Honestly, I think fresh pre-chopped veggies are 100% worth it – especially for someone on a time crunch.

        This is a cost/time tradeoff I’d recommend: pre-chopped veggies, frozen rice, rotisserie chicken, etc. It will cost more than more basic groceries, but the difference in cost isn’t huge (and way cheaper than takeout/delivery) and will save time in the kitchen so you can study.

    4. As a PhD student, I used my Instant Pot a ton to meal prep big batches of lentils, soups, chilis, rice, etc. which saved me a lot of money on food. I got an Amazon Prime student discount and there were definitely a lot of audio/streaming student discounts available that me and my cohort took advantage of.

      1. I was going to suggest an instant pot as well – as much for the time savings as for the food budget savings. When I was in grad school I would set aside a few hours on the weekend to do meal prep for the week, and do the readings while things cooked. My go-to was to make some hard-boiled eggs, a pot of rice, and then some chicken-salsa mixture. Quick and easy lunches or dinners were rice, chicken, plus some avocado and cheese for a burrito bowl type meal. Hardboiled eggs were great snacks. I also would make steel-cut oats from time to time to have ready for breakfasts.

    5. Sorry for the confusion – was not specifically asking about roombas and meal kits – that was just an example of the type of suggestions I was looking for!

      I’m working full time with a decent salary (75k in medium or high cost of living city) and I’m setting aside $400/mo for my portion of tuition + books. So my budget is $400 less a month than usual, but there’s still room in my budget for non-school savings,treats, and usual expenses (eating out with friends, some shopping, normal groceries), I just have to be more cognizant of what I’m spending. In the past I could get A and B, but now I’ll be choosing A or B

      1. When you have a choice, choose not to buy the thing. Choose not to eat the meal out.

        1. This is when cooking a good meal on a budget and finding a good $10 wine or fancy beer is charming and smart. There will be fancy restaurants still when this is over. Grad student potlucks on Fridays are still some of my fondest memories and I’m sad that it may take until the retirement villa to have that sort of thing in my life again.

          Also: state parks are great places for mini-vacations. And if not free, barely not free. Student discounts at museums and transit.

          1. Agreed- grad student “hey its friday and I can buy the burgers if you buy the beer” style cookouts are some of my happiest memories.

        2. Within reason, sure. But someone who is still making 75k a year and paying for part, not all of, a grad degree can definitely choose to buy some things and to eat some meals out. It’s not zero sum here…

      2. I really enjoy a British program called “Eat Well for Less” and the sister show (which is less good) “Shop Well for Less.” The premise is that each week they take one family’s grocery budget and try to slash it as much as possible. Each segment also includes tips like they insist you should never buy shredded cheese (block cheese is much cheaper and you get more), OJ not from concentrate (concentrate is fine), pre-sliced vegetables or fruit, buy store brands as much as possible, white bread is fine for you, etc. Everyone really already knows this but they do a good job of tricking people out of buying the expensive things they think are “worth it” – they prove they’re really not. Shop well for less is similar, but with things like household goods and clothes.

        1. Going to disagree. It depends on the specific item as well as the store itself. Kroger brand is good stuff; Costco’s Kirkland line is quite good; I have been rather disappointed in some other store brands. Pandemic issues have caused, for example, Kroger brand PB to be worse, so we switched to name brand.

        2. White bread is not fine for you! It is also gross. You can buy whole-grain products inexpensively.

          1. Wonder Bread: $2.48 per loaf

            Multigrain bread with oats, flax, sunflower seeds: $2.99 per loaf

      3. $400 isn’t that much of a cutback, I’d see first if you can make any case for a raise at your job (might negate this budget issue entirely), then chop some major items, I’d look at things like cable or streaming services and any monthly recurring charges, and just cut your clothing budget. Food can help too. Personally I’d still go out when it’s social but keep your at home meals budget.I’ve done eat from the freezer and pantry challenges and it’s amazing what you can save there. Also, eggs on anything is a great meal.

        1. This is exactly the advice I was looking for, thank you! I won’t be eligible for a raise until I”ve been in the program for about 9 months (my company does raises/promotions/evaluations once a year on a strict schedule) but I think an anticipated raise + anticipated modest bonus will help cover a lot of this $400 gap.

          I obviously plan on cutting back on some things, but I am not planning on subsisting on “low on the hog” meals like tuna and rice and beans; I’ll probably make changes like getting the frozen bag of salmon filets instead of the fresh salmon at the store, more chicken than fish/read meat, etc.

          I also plan on still socializing but maybe more happy hour specials than dinners out, or going back to my early 20s “order the cheapest thing on the menu” mindset. Luckily, with it only being $400/mo, I don’t think I’ll have to go back to “living like a student”.

          2. Lots of comments seemed geared for full time, in person grad students without an income which OP specified wasn’t her situation. No need for snark…

      4. I just want to point out how it’s sort of funny how people are catastrophizing about you having to pay for tuition when your salary is more than many, many people around the world will ever make.

        1. Agreed! I’ve never been a high earner (most of my career I made less than 60k). Going back to school would never have been possible without both the $$ from my job and my newer higher salary, so I really do feel so incredibly lucky to even be in this position! I’ve been dreaming about grad school for nearly a decade so really do feel lucky that I”m able to make this dream happen without going into student debt (again).

          I don’t have to live like I did when I was 22 and made 24k, but I also can’t keep living like I am now! Gotta find that right balance…

      5. The biggest part of your budget is probably housing, so look there to see if you can cut anything. Don’t buy clothes and don’t go out to eat or drink very often.

        1. I already live with 2 roommates, but will investigate other options when my lease ends.

    6. All the universities I’ve worked for (big state schools) have student/employee discounts for cell phone service. Usually something like 10-20% off. The NY Times and other newspapers have student deals or you can access them free through a library link at some universities (my public library also does this, as well as Hoopla and Kanopy for free movies and, of course, books through Overdrive). I think Amazon Prime still has a student rate. Many universities have free access to software (Office at all the places I’ve worked, one had Adobe Creative Cloud, lots of specialized software for stats and other academic things). There are also usually student deals on computers, but they’re not necessarily better than buying on a good sale elsewhere. Lots of universities have transit passes included in student fees, which also generally cover gym access and cheap fitness classes.

      A roomba saves me a lot of time because I have pets, but not sure I’d spend the money on it if I didn’t have to vacuum almost daily. Meal kits are definitely not worth the money for me, but batch cooking is and helps avoid eating expensive, bad food on campus. A lot of what works for this will depend on your schedule and access to fridge/microwave, so no specific advice on this until you know about details of what makes sense for you.

      1. Thanks so much – this is super helpful! Exactly the kind of suggestions I was looking for. My program is actually mostly online, though I do anticipate going to campus on occasion (its about 30 mins from where I live).

    7. I feel like you’ll be better off budgeting X min per your needed time period to sweep or vacuum the heavy traffic areas of your house than buying a rumba. That said if you feel you must have one can you borrow or get a used one from any of your friends?
      Making your meals at home with stuff from the store is your cheapest option, even if it takes time. Meal prep or cooking the things on weekends you can throw together during the week goes a long way. I will say it gets tedious and I’m very guilty of preaching this but not always doing it. It might be worth to practice with your new ‘low on the hog’ meals and meal prep now before your program gets started so you 1. Have any money saved to put towards tuition or other items you’ll need as a student, and 2. Have the practice and experience to know what works and what might not. Good luck! They say it pays to invest in yourself so I hope this works out brilliantly for you.

    8. Really reduce your shopping as much as you can. Even for a summer associate gig, you don’t need that many different outfits – a suit, a dress, and 3 nice bottoms with a mix of tops from H&M and other mall stores can get you far.

      Flights are very expensive right now so look for deals or book ahead if you plan to travel for holidays.

      You’ll want to go out with your classmates to get to know them but agree on trying to avoid regular delivery and eating out for lunch or nights at home. A simple pasta, lentil soup, or quesadillas with a bag salad or roasted veggies on the side is fine. If you check out blogs targeted at parents, you’ll find great suggestions for easy weeknight dinners and freezer meals. If you like to cook, it’s fun to invite a friend or two over to do a big day of batch cooking and then you can each go home with a bunch of freezer meals (bolognese sauce, black beans, and most stews freeze very well). Frozen meals from Trader Joe’s or similar are also a great option and much cheaper than takeout.

    9. I cultivated free and low cost hobbies, like reading library books or day hikes. This may not be as big of an issue for you if your hobbies are already pretty cheap. Also there are tons of free or student-discounted events at most universities, like music performances, sporting events, festivals/fairs, etc.

    10. I did the part time grad school while working full time thing. Here are my tips.

      1. Simplify your food. Breakfasts were yogurt and granola, cereal and milk, or hard boiled eggs and a fruit smoothie. Many lunches were microwavable things: I gravitated toward the Amy’s dishes because they were better and more filling than Lean Cuisine or others. Other days I had leftovers. Dinner on my way to class after work was usually a Subway sandwich or Potbelly’s (the two options I had on my commute route). The other nights of the week were pretty simple too. No meal kits. Make a list of meals you can cook quickly and easily (or can make ahead and freeze) and pick a few of those each week to eat. Grocery shop weekly and strictly avoid Postmates and Uber Eats. Thankfully those did not exist when I was doing my degree. This may be a period of time in your life when you gain a few pounds. That is okay.

      2. This is the time to care less about the upkeep of your home. I’ve never been a neat freak, but let me tell you, you can go way longer between vacuum runs than you think. It’s also a chore that doesn’t really take that long, so it’s fine if you want to make that your study break. You do not need a Roomba.

      3. This is also the time to care less about your appearance. Minimal makeup and skincare (and all of those products coming from the drugstore), minimal clothing replacement as needed, minimal shoe replacement. I remember NY&Co and the Limited having student discounts, which was great because they were also within my budget. All of my shoes came from DSW. I did ensure that I had enough of everything to go a solid two weeks between laundry (I did not have in-unit laundry at the time, which likely would have changed my calculus there). I got maybe three haircuts a year and absolutely no color.

      4. This is also the time to severely curtail social events, because of both the time cost and the monetary cost. You will not have time to go to HH or dinner twice a week and hang out with your friends for three hours every weekend for brunch. You will not have the money to do it either. Your new social events are movie nights at home and the like. Also study/group project gatherings with your classmates.

      5. Take a hard look at your spending for the last several months and identify what you can cut out. You do not need Netflix and Hulu and Disney+. Cut to one and rotate through if there are shows you really want to watch on each. Spoiler alert: you won’t have much time for watching TV anyway.

      6. Designate times for studying and homework. If I had class on Tuesday nights, I was usually doing my homework or reading on Saturdays and Sundays, with time Monday night to wrap up anything I didn’t finish the day before. I would also start planning longer term assignments like papers as early as possible to break up the work into manageable chunks. One week, pick the topic. Next week, spend an hour or two on Ebsco (or whatever academic literature search you have available through your university) pulling down articles that might be relevant. Take advantage of my office printer to print whatever I wanted. Following week, start reading articles and work on an outline, etc. etc.

      7. Each class/semester was different in the time it sucked up. This might depend on the degree program you’re in. But I discovered that some of my classes really took a lot of time outside of class for homework and prep, while others did not. You may have some semesters with plenty of time for chores and activities and others with hardly any.

      8. Set firm expectations on your hours at work. In order to get to my evening classes on time, I had to be out the door at work at 4:45 those days. Once when I took a condensed class I took a bunch of PTO for those couple weeks so I would have time to do my coursework. I just informed everyone in advance and people were very supportive. YMMV.

      1. 2,3 and 4 are not things I’d do. There is no reason to let yourself go and become sloppy because you’ve added something productive into your life. Once you start down that path, it’s pretty hard to recover from. Also being social in grad school is one of the best ways to spend your time. You should be networking now, which means getting to know others in your program. That’s how you’ll have connections for future jobs, not from maybe doing marginally better on an exam you spent all your time studying for.

        1. Since when is wearing drugstore makeup and buying shoes at DSW sloppy? Millions of professional people do not vacuum weekly, do not shop at Sephora, do not wear Sarah Flint shoes, do not buy more clothes than they need, and do not drop $100+ on restaurant meals out with their friends every week. None of them have “let themselves go and become sloppy” for these sins.

          Man, some people need to get a wakeup call on how the other half lives.

          1. It’s the idea of not caring about your appearance (not getting hair cuts, no hair color, gaining weight) and not cleaning your house. No shade to drugstore makeup or discount clothes.

          2. Ok, so I guess I “didn’t care about my appearance” until 35 when I finally WANTED to get highlights and felt they weren’t an extravagant expense for my budget. Noted.

            And all of us who gain weight when we don’t have money to eat the healthiest food on earth or time (and money) to get to the gym five times a week don’t care about our appearance.

            Again, this is how the other half lives.

          3. You literally said that OP should stop vacuuming. How is that not sloppy? You can be clean, neat, and put-together without spending a ton of money. It costs virtually nothing to run the vacuum cleaner.

          4. Where exactly did I say to stop vacuuming? What I said was that she doesn’t have to do it as often as maybe she thinks she does, if she’s considering investing in a $300 robot to do it for her because it would save her so much time. She can save literally half of the time she spends vacuuming by going from weekly to every other week, which is still plenty often for most households that don’t have pets or small children crawling around on the carpet.

          5. You literally said to care less about your appearance and to not worry about gaining weight…why would anyone do that? I can get a salad kit and rotisserie chicken for the same price as one of your Amy’s meals or Subway sandwiches.

            This comment is just ridiculous and so are your comments about “the other half.” Just because you let yourself go and be lazy by using grad school as an excuse doesn’t make it good advice.

        2. OP here and I am the other half… I recently got a new job at this salary and I lived for years on a 55k salary so some of these suggestions are laughable for me. I’m already only shopping at Old Navy/TJ Maxx (DSW is a splurge for me!), and I had never set foot into a Sephora until I was 25 (I now shop there – but its all Sephora’s store brand which is pretty affordable)

          I am realizing that maybe I shouldn’t have asked this question and should have just tried to remember how I lived from ages 21 – 27 where I worked 50-60 hour weeks for 50-55k. I do, however, vacuum weekly and always have :)

          1. Nothing wrong with the question! There are lots of different people here, ages, incomes, experiences, and everybody brings their own bias and fill in the missing information from a post like this with their own experience. So maybe nobody will “get it” in terms of what you meant to ask, but you still might get an interesting discussion going.

          2. “I am realizing that maybe I shouldn’t have asked this question”

            You definitely should not have asked this question if you were only interested in one very narrow set of suggestions. This is an open forum and people can answer questions however they like. What you’re doing here is one of my least favorite behaviors on this board (and elsewhere): “Let me ask for advice and then get snotty with people when I don’t like their advice because it’s not what I’ve already decided I want to hear.” Next time, just don’t bother – yourself, or us.

          3. Wow.

            Many of these comments were not applicable to the OPs situation. She seemed to appreciate those that did apply. Her responses to comments that weren’t applicable were not snotty. Your comment on the other hand? Incredibly snotty.

      2. 2, 3, & 4 are BAD advice, for so many reasons.

        First off, drugstore make-up isn’t “not caring about your appearance” – it’s still make-up, and there are plenty of great drugstore dupes for higher end products (see: I still use Cetaphill to wash my face even though I’m in my 40s and make a very comfortable amount of money). Beyond that, whether you like it or not, appearances matter – you need to look polished and pulled together for interviews and networking (which is often informal and with your class). You can look polished and pulled together from Old Navy – as long as the clothes are well cared for (steamed or ironed) and clean and fit well.

        Do NOT curtail social events – in grad school, that is networking, which is half of why you’re there depending on the degree (I’m guessing MBA here?). But yeah, grad students tend toward house parties and pre-gaming, which will inevitably save you money.

    11. I love my Roomba, but I bought a very low end, dumb one, it was a little less than 200 dollars. No wifi, no presetting etc. It’s perfect for my small apartment, and makes a big difference because my time normally spent vacuuming I can now spend washing the bathroom and kitchen.

      You might do just as well with a microfiber cloth on a squeegee on a long pole if you’re just removing dust though, unless you have carpet or pets, so would start there, on a budget.

      Unless you live somewhere there is no easy access for you to fresh food, meal kits won’t save you money. Meal planning will, if you can get into the habit. I think a small freezer to help with meal planning and make adhead food will be more bang for your buck than a Roomba, if I had to choose between the two.

      Good discounts to look out for are in the Arts, where there will often be student discounts, or student memberships. For your local discounts, check with the student organizations at your school – first years think about these things as well.

      Where to spend time or money – make sure you have decent options to keep fit, something that fits with your interests and temperament. Walk, bicycle, whatever, it can be cheap, but since you’ll have so, so much to do, build habits now.

    12. I think some of the other commenters are catastrophizing! have several friends who are in grad school part time and working full time. They all seem to have enough time and money to live like “real” adults and not grad students. I regularly meet up with these friends for happy hours and concerts and dinners out and I know they spend money on things like gym memberships and meal kits and whatever groceries they want (as opposed to subsiding on pasta and canned tuna). I think they’d mostly agree that their time is more valuable than their money, but they still seem to have enough time to train for half marathons and socialize with friends on a weeknight, go on weekend trips, etc. They just have to plan well and build in time to get their school work done.

      I’m starting a part time grad program in the fall (staying at my FT job), but I’ve done a grad certificate while working FT. My certificate was paid for by work, but like you I’ll be paying part of my master’s while work covers most of it. Thinking back to my certificate, here’s a few things that helped me:
      – when you can afford to, buy the books in hard copy and ebook format. I prefer hard copy books and am better at retaining info when I can highlight, write in the margins, etc. but the convenience of always having a textbook with me so I could do some reading on the train, while in line, etc. was unmatched.
      – If you think oh I can do some HW on the couch, you cannot. Go to your desk, a library, a coffee shop, wherever and do work there.
      – Think back to undergrad and how you studied best. I was a library studier, so I’m scouting out places that will be a better place for me to study than my apartment.
      – if you have a friend who is also in school (I swear I’m late 20s and all of my friends are also in part time grad school), set up study dates.
      – Make time for non-school reading (if you enjoy to read). I am in a book club and I like that I have non-school reading options. This applies to whatever hobby and socializing you do. Yes, you’ll have less time to go out with friends but you will still have time to see a friend, go for a run, go to bar trivia, whatever it is you like to do.
      – I spend 5-10 mins every day cleaning something in my apartment. This saves me from having to spend an hour on a weekend cleaning. If I sweep the floors tonight and tomorrow I clean the bathroom and I vacuum on Wednesday then I have a clean house without feeling like I spent a lot of time on it. I have a walking/subway commute to work so I run my errands on my commute. I keep a list of easy recipes for a quick but healthy meal on my phone, and I keep my freezer stocked with healthier frozen options to save some time when I’m really in a crunch.

      Back when I was budgeting more here are a few tips:
      – If spending money up front will save you money in the long term (and you can afford the upfront cost), do it. If buying a Nespresso will save you from buying coffee when you’re out, it’s probably worth the money. This might apply to a Roomba or a meal kit too. You know what this will apply to your life.
      – If you live near a Whole Foods, get dinner from the hot bar instead of takeout. just as quick but cheaper!
      – Let yourself have little splurges (or less frequent bigger splurges). if you cut out every unnecessary purchase, you’ll feel deprived and go wild later.
      – I cannot say enough good things about what I’ve found at my goodwill. Yes, it takes time to sort through what’s on the rack but most of my clothes are second hand and I save so much money (and have found some awesome pieces).
      – Keep a granola bar (or whatever snack on you) so you never need to grab food when out. I often have a snack before happy hour so I’m not tempted to order an app or a snack before a dinner so I can just order an app rather than a meal. I still get to go out with my friends, but it keeps my bill down.

        1. The OPs post is specifically about part time grad school while working full time, which is a totally different ball game than full time grad programs (which a lot of the advice on this thread seems to focus on). Many of my friends attend part-time grad school mostly, if not entirely, online (I live in an area with a lot of universities, so several of my friends have chosen to attend local schools but online – its more flexible but gives you the option of being near campus for events/talks, there’s a local alumni network, and maybe you take 1-2 classes in person but do the rest online).

          Even my friends who attend part time grad school fully in person – they go to campus for class and they leave. They don’t live/work close enough to campus to make that their normal gym.

        2. I went ten years ago, but no. But hers is online so it’s irrelevant here anyway.

      2. Your friends may be in a different financial situation than those of us who wrote in above, or be in a less demanding degree program, or be spending less time on their schoolwork. As I said in my comment, I did have some semesters when I had more time for socializing. But I also had friends who worked way harder than I did and spend almost zero time socializing. Sure, I could have spent more on happy hours and dinners with friends if I’d started with a higher salary or stopped contributing to retirement (I did reduce that during grad school, but didn’t stop entirely at any point). I could have gone out more if I had been okay with sleeping less, or if I had the kind of job where I could do some schoolwork during the work day (I was in a job where I had to bill my hours and needed at least 8 hours on my timesheet each day). Everyone has a different experience in grad school.

        1. Agreed – I don’t know everyone who wrote in’s financial situation but the OP said she only needs to cut back $400/mo, which I think is doable without giving up dinners out, nicer groceries, gym membership, etc. The friends I’m thinking of make similar salaries in similar cost of living locations to how the OP described herself. A lot of the comments here act like she’ll be living on a full time student budget with no time for anything fun (and a few comments even suggested she won’t be able to keep up personal appearance/her house) and I wanted to let the OP know that that isn’t necessarily the case. Plenty of people manage grad school while living a relatively normal life on a relatively normal budget. Obviously every program and person is different, but wanted to offer a different perspective.

          1. $400 is a lot to cut if your starting point is a $75,000/year salary. If she’s not going to give up the extras like nicer groceries, dinners out, gym membership, etc., what is there for her to cut? She could take on a roommate, but that’s about it.

    13. My best money tip is befriend your fellow students! My friends who were not in school were the ones who wanted to go to fancy restaurants, expensive vacations, etc (and I did that sometimes – no need to completely shut down spending, but I couldn’t make it an every week or even every month event). Besides all the other benefits I got from making great friends in grad school, my fellow students were the ones who were excited about free pizza lectures, great deals at the local cafe for bottles of wine on Tuesdays, or a night in with beer and watching tv. (And they helped me move, whereas my non-student friends were like “why would we do that, just hire movers!”) I didn’t feel lonely or like I was missing out when my friends with more expendable income did stuff without me, because I had other plans.

      1. Thanks! My program is online (but at a local university), so I dont know how well I’ll get to know my classmates/if any of them are local, but I do have several friends in my city who are in other part time grad programs so I will definitely find cheaper things to do with them and then I can “splurge” when I hang out with friends who aren’t also students.

      2. Can you do this with on-line programs? Tips, please! I’m imagining that I will graduate in-person with strangers and will be missing a lot of the potential networking and peer support of my fellow classmates.

    14. With all the clubs and programs in college holding dinners, I feel like you could eat for free most nights a week.

      1. Huh. This was not at all my experience in college or grad school. It was a while ago, but even pizza was rare. It was my experience working in D.C., though!

        1. Really?! I went to LSU, and there was food everywhere. Maybe it’s more engrained in southern culture that a meeting means you need meals!

    15. Former grad student and now mentor to grad students here …
      You didn’t say what your housing situation is, but my advice is to work hard to slash the big ticket item (rent) leaving you a lot more room for the rest. The students I know who are stressed about money live alone or in expensive situations / the ones with roommates have lots more flex in the budget. To your specific question, check out any list of benefits your university provides to students or staff. Can include discounts on cell phone plan, gym, transit, etc. depending on the school.

      1. This is helpful, thank you! I live with roommates and unfortunately rent is pretty high in my city. I will definitely check out benefits that the university has!

    16. It’s not clear what city you’re in, but see if you can get a student price on mass transit as a part-time online student. Even if you’re taking your class online, you’re presumably still commuting to work (although maybe not these days). Decades ago when I was a grad student in Boston, the student monthly pass for the T was a steal.

  11. Because we were talking about whether it’s possible to hit a 90 sleep score on the Fitbit, I’d like to report back on the factors that led to my all-time high score (87) this weekend.

    – I was exhausted from my COVID booster.
    – I had been up for an hour the prior night with my screaming daughter.
    – My partner was sleeping separately because we weren’t sure if I’d been exposed to COVID.

    All very replicable and consistent with excellent sleep hygiene 😂

    1. I meant to comment on this last week, but here to say that 90 is possible! I’ve hit it a handful of times over the last few years – and I thought that was the highest you could get until I got my first 91 recently! I will say like you most of my high scores happen after a night of poor sleep or sleep deprivation (like coming home from international travel). Maybe explains why I’m still consistently tired despite the high scores….lol

    2. #3 makes sense, but every COVID shot I’ve gotten has completely wrecked my sleep.

      1. It did the first night; I should have clarified that I was a couple days in. My main symptom is also always fatigue.

    3. I regularly score over 90 on my sleep score. My best tips – cool room, no drinking alcohol before bed, don’t eat within 2-3 hours of going to bed, make sure you have at least 8 hours to spend in bed, and I like a sleep mediation from peloton to fall asleep to.

      1. I do all of these things (minus the mediation, but I never have trouble falling asleep) and still usually score in the 70s. 8 hours “asleep” never gets me more than 7 hours of Fitbit sleep. I don’t know if I’m just a restless sleeper? No indications of sleep apnea or anything like that, I just wake up a lot. I feel reasonably well rested, so I’ve been baffled by the sleep score.

  12. I am looking for sunhats for the pool this summer. Ideally ones with UPF. Any recommendations?

    2. My two nice straw hats are by Tula, but aren’t water friendly. For a similar look Target probably has some that I wouldn’t be upset if they got wet or ruined. For pool and kayaking etc, I have some wide brimmed hats from REI and Columbia. I have a large melon head and these are the brands that fit best because they have sizes r can be adjusted. Pistil has the cutest hats but they never fit…

    4. San Diego Hat Company–they have a wide variety. I like the roll-up straw visors. They are ponytail compatible and come in fun colors, have ear coverage and fold small.

  13. Looking for feedback from readers familiar with recruiting processes. Is there any difference between applying to a job through LinkedIn compared to directly through the employer’s website? Do they all land in the same place? I recall reading that the number of applicants shown on LinkedIn actually includes applicants that applied directly – can anyone confirm this?

      1. Really? Why? (Genuinely asking as someone who is job-searching and has applied to numerous positions through Linkedin.)

    2. I have no insider info, but I don’t see how the number of applicants on LinkedIn can always include those that apply directly to the company. Maybe some companies are feeding that info into LinkedIn, but I have to image that the vast majority don’t

    3. It all depends on the internal system they use for recruiting and how integrated it is with linked in. Larger companies are usually more likely to shell out for that and it will be better integrated. Smaller companies will not be and sometimes things get lost from linked in to the actual recruiting tool. Apply directly through the company whenever possible

    4. Apply through the company if you can. I just read an article about resumes getting screened out by AI and I’m pretty sure they said LinkedIn uses AI screening. Of course there’s no guarantee the company won’t use it too, but save yourself a possible headache!

    5. Always apply directly with the company. I’m sure you won’t make this mistake but I once applied for a job with an external recruiter, then applied directly with the company for the same job by accident. Company wouldn’t consider me because I had applied with the (external) recruiter first and they didn’t want to pay the fee, which I get, but it was kind of a crappy deal.

  14. What websites are good for finding rentals in NYC these days (looking in Manhattan)? I lived in NYC for 10 years, but left a decade ago. Back then, found all my rentals through word of mouth or on craigslist, but after some browsing, I’m getting the sense that CL is not the best resource currently. Any recent renters have insights? Thank you!

    4. Streeteasy has a lot, but also subscribe to the listings project for rentals not listed elsewhere.

    5. Use padmapper–it combines many of the sources listed above.

      I also like anchor realty for UES/UWS and nofeerentals.com (Jakobsen Properties). Jakobsen is a good, decent landlord.

  15. I’m headed to Chicago with my teenager for a mom-daughter trip and we are going to be there for a long weekend. We are planning to do an architectural boat tour, see two shows, and hit the Art Institute. Any other suggestions from the hive? Does anyone have any recos for walking tours? We are staying in the loop and this will be both of our first time there. Thanks.

    1. If you’re at all into fashion/makeup I’d make it a point to hit the Miracle Mile. The Saks/Nordstrom there have exclusive fragrances/purses that very few other stores have outside of major cities and they’re just fun for browsing! If you like Mexican food definitely try to get into one of Rick Bayless’s restaurants, the vegetarian tasting menu at topolobampo is one of the best meals I’ve ever had. The gage is also great and super close to the museums if you want to try to have lunch or brunch there (reservations help).

      1. +1 for the Miracle Mile, Nordstrom, and the Rick Bayless restaurants! I visit the Frontera Grill every time I am in town.

    2. Chicago is lovely in the spring and summer. I’d take a look at Chicago Magazine website – they have reliable restaurant reviews and I bet have walking tour suggestions (I also think the Architecture Foundation does some walking tours).

      I personally love Pilsen and it’s not far from the loop. The Mexican American Art Museum is awesome and there are tons of murals in the neighborhood. Great food at Taqueria Los Comales and ice cream at La Michoacana. Also a great furniture store.

    3. Jojo’s shake bar seems to be popular with the kids these days – depending on how old your teen is.

      Architecture foundation has walking tours. Haven’t done one but I have enjoyed their boat tour and center (the actual architecture center is pretty small, FYI).

      Gotta see the Bean (cloud gate is the official name) in Millennium Park.

      Second the recommendation for Bayless Restaurants. If you have a specific type of food you like, that would help narrow down recommendations. There’s so much good food (and some overrated spots too).

    4. A game at Wrigley and the surrounding environment is always fun. Walk or bike along as much of the lakefront as you can handle (rental bikes are through Divvy here). Google street festivals for whatever weekend you will be there and check those out — there will be a couple. Hitting the rooftop at Cindy’s for a different perspective on Millenium Park. Afternoon tea at the Drake if you get a spot of bad weather? And eat. So so so much good food.

    5. The Chicago History Museum is a great lesser known museum–a little further north from the other museums but it’s in Old Town which is very happening and is right next to Lincoln Park (the actual park) and the lakefront. It’s maybe a mile or so up from the Loop. My mom and I have done all of the Frommers dot com walking tours which are self guided but good. The Gold Coast and The Loop ones might be best for you. For food, try to get over to West Loop for dinner or lunch one day. Everything over there especially the spots on Randolph St and Fulton St are great and it’s good people watching + lots of outdoor seating. Skip Navy Pier.

  16. I need some Chacos for a trip this summer – my old Tevas are not salvageable. Toe loop or no? If you don’t like Chacos, please proceed on, I do! I just want feedback on toe loops!

    1. Isn’t that just asking for a horrible blister? My rule is no toe loops or extra straps on anything worn in the heat.

    2. I love the toe loops – but I’ve got really narrow feet and the toe loops keep my foot from sliding forward.

    3. I vote no. My kids had some of each and the toe loop ones were hated and never worn after the initial try-on. I have the same size feet and happily inherited the no toe loop ones but gave away the others after a walk on a hot day.

      I still prefer my Keens for 90% of summer activities but the Chacos dry quickly if you are doing wet things like kayaking and don’t want wet shoes for the rest of the day.

    5. I’m’ team toe-loop for my Chacos. I find the ones without rub more because my front foot isn’t as secure.
      Chacos pro-tip… I find that because I tend to wear them for more grimy pursuits, the skin on my feet gets irritated once they get past a certain level of funk. Scrubbing them to eye clean and then running them through the dishwasher (top rack) takes care of it much better than hand scrubbing alone.

    6. I think it depends on what you’re doing in them. Just wearing around on pavement/grass/limited wet areas, no toe loop is fine. If you’re using them to raft, go in creeks, or while wet, toe loops help keep you’re feet in when they might otherwise slide.

      1. This is practical advice.
        I like the no toe loop MUCH better. I find them really hard to adjust so when my feet swell in the summer and then go back to normal size in the fall I can never quite get the size right – they’re always a little uncomfortable.

    7. I loved the toe loops when I first tried on my Chacos. They made the sandals feel so much more stable. Alas, after wearing the sandals for a full day I discovered that if you have high arches, over the course of the day the straps will tighten until they are strangling your toes. This is a known issue. You can ship the sandals to the manufacturer to have the straps made less slide-y, but that didn’t fix the problem for me. I am now debating whether to try a pair without toe loops or to give up on the brand entirely.

    8. Not chacos but I have the Birkenstocks (Mayari) with the toe loop. It took a couple of days to get used to it, now no problems and I love how it keeps them on my feet.

    9. If you like your tevas, why not replace them with another pair?

      I dont like hiking in sandals, so I just have original tevas that I throw on after a hike (I also wear them when rafting/other activities where I’ll get wet but need a decent shoe) but if you want your chacos for hiking, I’d recommend maybe the Tevas Hurricanes?

  17. Recommendations for casual sneakers that are cute but comfortable and at least somewhat supportive? I’ve always been a converse wearer but it’s time to admit that my feet just can’t handle them anymore. I like the look of Vejas, but the pair I bought destroyed the backs of my heels just wearing them around the house for an hour, so they are going back. Looking for something similar but that doesn’t require intense breaking in.

      1. Me too. Love my Soludos and I can wear them comfortably without socks or peds.

    4. P448 are the most comfortable fashion sneakers I’ve found. They are the only ones I can wear without adding insoles. Zero break-in time and comfortable for lots of walking.

      1. I bought some after reading about them here- and agree, these are incredibly comfortable with no breaking in…

    5. Naturalizer Morrison and really supportive and comfy for tons of walking.

      Vionic if you need strong arch support. Some of their styles are cute, some are…not.

      1. This! Lightweight, supportive, wildly comfortable, go with everything, and easy to keep clean/wipe down. They almost always have a markdown/sale on them too (or if you are near a factory/outlet store, they always have them there).

  18. Dress me! Help, please.

    I’m looking for a couple of outfits for presentations- could be a suit or a dress. The statement is powerful, but not scary. I want bold shapes/bright colors (red is great, peacock blue, burgundy . . . ), fitted, but a little luxurious and decadent (maybe a longer jacket or skirt that has a little flow to it). Pockets, if possible. Business, with a touch of fantasy/drama. Steampunk CEO?

    I wear size 16.

    Where should I be shopping? Any suggestions? Have fun with it!

      1. Excellent call! Love their stuff. If they made it bigger than a US 12, I’d definitely be going that way. Thanks for the suggestion.

      2. Unfortunately, The Fold doesnt go up to size 16. If they did, they’d have such a large following.

      2. FYI – LK Bennett sizes are really UK sizes. So their tag may say 6, but it’s a UK 10/US 6, which is really a 2/4. Unless they expanded the size range I don’t think they go up to a US 16.

    3. The alternatives to the featured pants today include a ultramarine blue BR suit that I think has some drama. And that color is unbeatable. Yves Klein!

    4. I love white house black market for statement business clothes, but FYI they have one-two colors per season and if they don’t work for you, they don’t work. That said, they have a lot of staple tops/dresses that show up each year in a different color.

    5. I have been buying tweed blazers this year from Ann Taylor and L’Agence in colors, and am really into them. Not a suit or dress, but great powerful-yet-not-scary statement pieces. Dresses have been tough this season. There’s a good one from Ann Taylor (pink with a longer skirt) that could look great with the right blazer.

  19. What are your favorite somewhat healthy pasta salad recipes? Pasta salad is just such a perfect lunch for me, but I’d like it to be a more veggie heavy and higher in protein

    1. Orzo with a LOT of chopped cucumber, red onion, red pepper, carrots, broccoli (and any other veg you like). Add lots of feta and canned chickpeas (rinsed). Dress with olive oil and red wine vinegar. Yum!

    2. I don’t really follow a recipe, but I start with a whole wheat pasta and then just add more veggies and protein (I’m vegan, so chickpeas, white beans, or sometimes pumpkin or sunflower seeds). I like various combinations of tomatoes, roasted broccoli, roasted eggplant, artichoke hearts, shredded carrots, corn, fresh spinach, and herbs. I also add something with umami (olives, sun dried tomatoes, pesto, etc.), though cheese works too, and a dressing (usually a vinaigrette, sometimes pesto).

      1. Oh, one tip about beans in pasta salad: it’s much better if you give the beans a little time to marinate in the dressing before adding everything else (just a few minutes helps). Likewise, seasoning each veggie and roasting definitely makes it better (I think it holds up longer for leftovers when the veggies are cooked). But it’s also just fine if you do them all raw, just a different texture and taste- more like a salad.

    3. I lb orzo with a bag of steamed, shelled edamame, a bag of frozen corn, a carton of cherry tomatoes, a red pepper. Add a packet of fresh basil, chopped, a small carton of feta and then equal parts lemon juice and olive oil.

      It’s also great with quinoa instead of pasta if you’re watching carbs.

    4. My favorite, particularly in the summer, is if we are firing up the grill for dinner, i will grill a bunch of extra veggies (favorites- eggplant, peppers, zucchini, onions, mushroom), then toss that with pasta, fresh basil, white beans and a balsamic vinaigrette. Sometimes I will add fresh mozzarella too.

    5. I like chilled orzo or fusilli with bell pepper (broiled or raw), cucumber, cherry tomato, shallot, baby spinach, black olives, grilled chicken, dressed with a simple olive oil/lemon juice/salt/pepper/italian herbs

    6. I sometimes make a grain salad with farro or quinoa instead of pasta salad. With either one, I add lots of herbs (parsley, dill, mint), lemon juice & zest, crunchy veggies like cucumbers, peppers, snap peas, toasted nuts, olive oil, and feta cheese. Bonus is that I can make a big batch and it’s good for a few days.

    8. The Gimme Some Oven orzo with salmon is delicious and contains lots of asparagus. I make it with whole wheat orzo and use 12 oz. cooked salmon in place of the smoked salmon for extra protein and less salt.

    9. I use chickpea pasta! I toss a bunch of raw veggies with it and use the garlicky oregano vinaigrette from Smitten Kitchen’s Nancy’s chopped salad recipe.

  20. Does anyone have any recommendations for sports bras that fit a small rib cage but fuller bust? My dd is a 30D/DD which isn’t an overwhelming size, but she has a small frame otherwise so on her her bust is quite full. If anyone can point me in the right direction that would be super helpful!

      3. Seconding. I’m a 32G and the panache underwire sports bra is my go-to. If your DD doesn’t mind some wacky patterns, they usually have those on sale

    4. Not a specific brand recommendation but there are lots of good options if you shop on HerRoom (website is just HerRoom dot com). They have tons of filters so you can find something that fits exactly what you’re looking for. Panache, Shock Absorber, and Freya all make sports bras with small band sizes and larger cup sizes, and are available from HerRoom.

      Personally I like Glamorise for strength training type workouts, but I don’t know if their band sizes go down to a 30. And I swear by Enell for cardio/high impact workouts; unfortunately their standard sizing is somewhat limited (though if you fit it, it is magical).

    6. for spinning etc. the Brooks maia is good. For running, Shock Absorber. Accept no substitute.

    7. I’m a 30DD and wear
      Lululemon Like a Cloud Bra D/DD Cup for light support in size 4
      Energy Bra for medium/high support in size 6

    8. Shock absorber is the narrowest, tightest brand, and the highest quality sports bras IMO. These have next to no stretch, and genuinely are tight for the band. Most people has to size up a band size in their D max range, so would recommentdtrying 32D or 32DD first.

      Panache is a great brand and may be okay for her, but maybe not if she’s very narrow. Panache is rather wide and shallow in the cups, so if she’s very narrow with narrow roots, it might not be the best fit. (She might try a 28E in Panache).

      Freya is narrower than Panache, and another great brand for 30DD. Freya has narrower cups as well. Some of their sports bra is a little pointy, but comfortable in use.

      Bravissimo has had some great sports bras and some duds. Their current ones are bottom heavy, so if she’s full on top she might be squished in those, but may be worth trying.

      Shefit might work, but if she’s a narrow 30 band, I wouldn’t go bigger than small whatever the chart says, the small is a very loose band already, so she’d have to tighten it to the max.

      Good luck! Having a great sports bra makes all the difference!

      1. Shock absorber make great bras. Have large cups and a small band too, and they fit very well.

  21. How does one go about switching careers, or even just exploring something new? I work in communications, but I just fell into it after college because I was a decent writer with a liberal arts degree and wasn’t sure what else to do. Over the last few years I’ve realized I really hate comms and my brain is much more analytical. Where do I even start?

    1. I would start with some free online courses, or even longer lecture series. Maybe Coursera or one of the Ivies’ extension schools. If you find something that sticks, I’d (a) start talking to folks in adjacent fields for advice and (b) look in to some sort of certificate program, even if you’re not committed to going back to get a degree. I’m thinking of the coding bootcamps, UI/UX certs, CFA, etc. Once you’re admitted to a certificate or program I’d start a real job hunt in the new field, but probably not too far before that if you’re going more quant.

    2. Read Switchers by Dawn Graham. I’m in the recruiting/career development space and this book helps SO many people with a clear and actionable framework, regardless of background and destination.

      1. ETA: Many folks (incl people here) find Designing Your Life/Designing Your Work Life helpful, too. I love that framework and encourage people to start there for general/macro ideas, but for specific *career* strategies, resources, and pathways, Switchers is the spot. It will help you brainstorm and plan, test, research, etc. what specific strategies will help in your case, whether it’s certificates or degrees or assignments or networking or simply reframing language. It will essentially train you to coach yourself.

    3. I went to grad school for my big career change. And then for my second minor career change I started doing that type of work at work and realized I liked it a lot more.

      Is there a side project that you could take on at work that is more analytical? Could you take some classes online or at a community college to explore?

      1. This. I know it’s expensive but if your undergrad grades were good getting an MBA/grad degree seems like it’d open a lot of doors. If you have good communications skills and are interested n quant/analytics I bet you’d be a great business analyst. If you aren’t interested in taking on the debt, have you looked into investor relations/PR/digital marketing/exec-comms type roles? They involve a lot more analytics and understanding of business issues than you might think.

    4. Is there anything related that interests you, either with the content you work with currently or with, say, marketing but in a position working with martech or running digital ad campaigns (both positions would require a lot more working with data and adjusting accordingly). Not many writers have the audience data side and tech interest and not many tech folks can recognize good creative or adjust creative to perform better. So being able to work in both worlds can be like gold.

  22. I think we have some employment lawyers on the board – would you help educate me? A partner at my firm voraciously opposes all DEI efforts. Some clients want our firm to agree to staff matters with “diverse” team members. He believes that is illegal, that our firm can’t preferentially hire or give certain associates work due to race, color, sex, etc. He says giving any consideration to any candidate or associate’s skin color, heritage, etc. is illegal. No one at my firm really had a good answer – and I’m not sure where to go to educate myself. Any ideas?

    1. That’s a little alarming, since there is federal case law directly on point. You do have to tread carefully but they’re definitely not illegal on their face. I’m not an employment lawyer but deal with it, and basically you don’t want to be using rigid quotas in hiring but a lot of other efforts are totally permissible/perhaps required if you’re a fiduciary. Send him White v Oakland County Community College, (E.D. Mich. Oct. 6, 2020) and the case line if he’s a lawyer.

      1. Some clients are really inviting firms to take some big risks and their materials will all be discoverable. Those same clients also tend to pay female and minority lawyers very low rack rates so question whether you are doing anyone any favors by staffing them on these matters. These clients use Cravath et al for their important work and do not GAF who staffs that work. Virtue signaling on someone else’s dime.

        1. Yeah, I’m in a senior position in-house and we opted not to go down the road that Coke (very briefly) attempted because it seemed to us to essentially require discriminatory practices by our outside counsel. We also thought it put female and minority attorneys at law firms in a bad position (based on feedback from our own female and minority lawyers who were previously in big firms).

    3. How is your hiring procedure now? Is it set up following best practices to minimize unconscious bias during the selection? You don’t have to set out with the explicit goal of hiring minority candidates, but what about analyzing your internal process to ensure that all candidates get a fair shot? You can get independent audits of your hiring procedures from expert consultants. How would he argue that that is illegal?
      This would presumably help you to achieve a team composition that allows you to serve your clients and keep their business.

      1. Same for internal policies for promotion, compensation, retention. Those could all be audited to discover whether these policies are equitable or whether they cause unequal attrition. It’s not about giving certain people a leg up that they don’t deserve, it’s about discovering where we hinder their productivity in unspoken ways and fixing that.

        1. Ding ding ding ding ding! “Opposing all DEI efforts” sounds to me like the OP’s colleague is very invested in ensuring the current exclusionary practices that are leading to skewed workforce demographics stay in place. Of course it is illegal to say “we only want BIPOC women in these positions,” but it is in no way illegal to say “we are going to reprogram our applicant tracking system to be as unbiased as possible; we are going to use text analyzers to make sure our job postings don’t use exclusionary language; we are going to make sure there is a woman or a POC on every hiring committee, and we’re going to educate all employees on unconscious bias and empower employees to call it out when they see it.” There’s solid research (more emerging all the time) that doing those things helps to diversify workforces without there being quotas or hiring goals for minorities ever being put into place. “Hiring someone purely for their merits” looks very different in antiquated systems that were built for, and maintained by, white men, vs. what it looks like in systems that have been re-engineered to minimize bias.

          1. “Opposing all DEI efforts” and opposing quotas are two very different things. The only “DEI” effort OP mentions specifically is quotas. Sounds to me like OP wants the quick optical fix of quotas and is automatically labeling anyone who has concerns about the actual benefits or wants real solutions that require the investment of time and effort as a racist.

          2. Hey, Anonymous, you’re making a lot of assumptions here and I think you should probably give OP some more grace. If she wasn’t the one who cared about real DEI, she probably wouldn’t be posting here.

      2. Auditing the process for bias is basically the opposite of a quota. Quotas can be counterproductive. Look at what happened with the Rooney Rule.

    4. No matter what, he’s definitely missing the point! If you need quotas to not hire white people, you gotta ask yourself why that is.

      2. Quotas are diversity theater. You need to audit the hiring process for sources of bias.

    5. How about having an employment attorney take a look at the issue, hiring a consultant to do a diversity audit of your hiring and staffing processes, and asking the partner more about his objections and actually listening? You can’t fix structural racism with quotas.

  23. My google skills are failing me for this one – we just had new cabinets put in our laundry room and I want to put something down to protect the wood insides. The cabinet people said no contact paper (the adhesive is a no-no) but didn’t have any suggestions beyond that. Is there something I can put down to protect the wood shelving from drips/scratches? Or should I just learn to live with it?

    1. Maybe trays? I’ve purchased trays for my cabinets that hold cleaning supplies and oil/vinegar stuff. If your cabinets are standard sized they shouldn’t be hard to find. My one that isn’t standard I just spent a lot of time with an x-acto knife getting the tray to fit.

    2. You can use non-adhesive shelf liners. Available at Target next to the con-tact paper.

      1. This. There are plastic versions and some that are more springy. Every drawer and cabinet in my house is lined this way. I highly recommend it.

      2. Beware that over time these stick and glue to your shelves. Absolute nightmare to remove. Concur with the suggestion for trays. Container store has stuff like that.

        1. The ones I have do not. They have been there for over 5 years and I can’t conceive of how they could suddenly become sticky unless I held a blow torch to them. There are different iterations, of course.

      3. Lowes and Home Depot also carry some. I have plastic-y ridged liners from Lowes on all my wood shelves.

    3. I have some shelves lined with contact paper just placed on the shelf (without taking off the adhesive). Sounds weird, but it works in our pantry because there’s always stuff on them to hold them in place. We’re in a rental and the shelves had a rough, unpleasant texture that was hard to clean and nicer to keep covered. In other places, like the laundry closet and under the sink, we just keep all the liquids in bins to catch the drips and help organize and contain things. We found a bunch of good ones with flat bottoms at Ikea.

    5. Non adhesive shelf liner, the rigid kind instead of the squishy kind. (Anon at 12:02 is right, the squishy kind will eventually adhere itself.) The rigid liner can be washed off with a sponge, or if it gets really messy you can pop it out, hose it off or wash in the bathtub, and put it back in once it’s dry. It’s great for laundry areas, kitchen shelves, bathroom cabinets etc.

      If you shop at Costco, this is what I buy: https://www.costco.com/con-tact-brand-premium-shelf-and-drawer-liner%2C-4-pack.product.100836675.html

  24. I have foam non-adhesive shelf liner in mine. It’s a fun pattern and brightens up the cabinets. I believe I got it at Target.

  25. Potentially dumb question: If my Dell laptop has a USB C charging port, can I use any old USB C charger (like one for an android phone)? I left my work laptop charger at a friend’s house last weekend (out of state), and I’ve ordered a new charger but if I”m in a pinch before my charger arrives will a phone charger work? My laptop charger has a “brick” in the charging cable so I dont know if that impacts anything? I’m not sure if using a phone charger on a laptop would “fry” anything (like when you go to Europe and its different voltage)?

    Clearly I’m not very tech savvy…

    1. It will work, more slowly. I think it’s fine for a weekend but over time it can harm the battery. My IT guy said if you have to do it, try not to USE the laptop while it’s charging (i.e. plug it in, walk away for an hour or two, and pull it off when it’s full to use).

    2. phone chargers usually won’t be able to charge your laptop. They are built to deliver lower voltage and that’s just not enough for the bigger laptop battery. Like scaling the Himalaya with a tricycle. Shouldn’t break anything, but your laptop just won’t get charged, or only very slowly if at all. The other way around, you can charge most phones through most computer chargers, although it’s usually not advised. The phone batteries might wear out faster when you charge them with the higher voltage that the laptop charger provides. Like barreling down a quaint hiking trail with a quad bike. Shouldn’t be harmful if you do it once, but best to use the right charger most of the time.

    3. Very helpful, thank you both!

      The ETA for the charger delivery is sometime today so I *should* be okay, but nice to know there’s a workaround if needed – even if it isnt ideal!

  26. I know there are at least some sewists around here. I have a pair of pants I love that aren’t made anymore (Everlane Slim Wool Pant, RIP) and I caught them on a corner and now there is an L-shaped rip on the butt. Does this sound reparable? I don’t need them to look perfect or like-new by any means so if there’s something I can do to at least keep them wearable, I would be so happy. A patch on the inside maybe?

    1. I would put fusible interfacing on the inside and then find thread the same colour to do a small darn, should be nearly invisible if you have good technique.

    2. I think whatever you do, the repair will be very noticeable. A tailor who is skilled at weaving *might* be able to do a weave, which is usually very expensive.

    3. Sounds like it is a tear across the fabric rather than a rip of the seam – is that right? Or is ti both? If it is a tear in the fabric, it could be patched from the inside but I think it would also need sewing across the tear in a dense zigzag-type stitch. And of course, the stitching would show, but they would be wearable.

    4. Home sewist here! Yes, you could certainly mend them. A patch on the inside with a running stitch around its perimeter as well as across the patched area would probably hold well, and if you do it with thread that matches the pants it shouldn’t be very visible. If you want to get inspired, there is a book by Katrina Rodabaugh called Mending Matters, which has a lot of techniques for mending different things. She is a fan of visible mending, but there are certainly techniques in the book that can be used in a less visible way. I borrowed it from my local library but I am sure you could get it from Amazon, etc. I hope that helps!

  27. I just need to say this somewhere and get it out:

    I am trying very hard to be a supportive daughter, but my dad is seriously on thin ice with me right now. He is getting married, less than a year after my mom died, and my sibling and I haven’t even met her yet — and the date? The day after his anniversary with my mom. I know he’s an adult and he gets to make his own (possibly bad) choices, I know he’s lonely, I want him to be happy, I know this woman isn’t meant to replace my mom, yadda yadda … but for crying out loud, could you wait until it’s been a year, at least? And failing that, could you choose a different date than this one?

    Deep breaths. They live many states away from me so I don’t have to see her very often if she turns out to be terrible. And by being as supportive as I can be, if it all goes wrong, I can be a soft place for him to land.

    2. So sorry to hear this – that sounds so so hard. Definitely set any boundaries for yourself that would be helpful. If they don’t live nearby, you could give yourself a year of not feeling like you have to visit without making a scene about it. Not sure how this would be received by your dad, but communicating how you feel may be helpful. I.e., “I love you, I want the best for you right now, but this is really hard for me and the speed of this has been disorienting. Is it okay if we accommodate it taking me a bit of time to come around / adjust?”

      I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you many many hugs.

    3. Hi, I totally understand, as my dad did pretty much the exact same thing (in his case, he got remarried right around the one year mark). I know it is hard, but try to remember that anniversaries are just a date on the calendar, and that the fact that he is getting remarried is generally seen as a sign that he was happy being married to your mom. I am not sure how old you are, but I was 18 when my dad got remarried and I wasn’t a huge fan of my stepmom, but as I was technically a legal adult and wasn’t living at home, it was a situation that was generally handle-able (at least until he got sick and died in 2020, but that is a different issue altogether). Be patient with yourself and remember that all these emotions you are feeling and thoughts you are thinking are okay to have. Talk to your friends, family members and the rest of your support network to work through your feelings. I hope that you love her, but even if you don’t, I hope that you can find peace with the situation.

    4. I had a similar occurrence. My Dad remarried after my mother died. While the remarriage occurred a few years after my mom’s death, the marriage happened very quickly going from dating to engaged in a matter of months. Ultimately, our parents are people and they make crappy choices. You don’t have to be the supportive daughter in this but I commend you for trying–I couldn’t pull it off. If your Dad has any assets at all make sure your Dad has a will or some sort of estate plan/end of life plan. There is a stranger entering your family in a legally meaningful way whether you want her there or not. How this has unfolded for you is a crappy thing to experience on top of the crappy experience it is losing one’s mother and I am sorry you are going through it.

      1. This is such a selfish take. Maybe your dad was lonely and hurting and needed a companion. He was lucky to find one. It wasn’t a crappy choice, and he didn’t get married “at” you. But definitely protect that inheritance, that’s what’s really important.

        I hope y’all never lose your partners. I did, very suddenly and unexpectedly, and the man I met 7 months later saved my life. Thank god we didn’t have any kids to make it about them.

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