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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 413 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Etty Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. roland mouret sheath dressHappy Monday! I'm drooling over this amazing dress from Roland Mouret — his tailored, sophisticated designs always knock me dead. I love the wide boatneck, the notch in the neckline, and the sleeves, which seem longer than elbow sleeves but shorter than three-quarter length sleeves. The darts and seams in the bodice are amazing. It's $1,685 at Net-a-Porter. ROLAND MOURET Etty stretch-crepe dress Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. In terms of similar but more affordable, there are a few sizes left of this majorly discounted Classiques Entier dress, and there are several sizes left of this gorgeous plus size dress in a similar red. (L-all)

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Comments

  1. Anon

    Here’s hoping that the Electoral College does the right thing and puts an end to DJT.

    • Anon

      +1. I’d rather have a little chaos than the immense chaos that will result from his presidency.

    • Anonymous

      Is this actually a thing people think might happen? I figured it was just a fantasy.

      • Anonymous

        It’s not, it’s a troll. There are no posters on here who have been talking about it as a thing. Every so often the first post of the day is a troll trying to stir up trouble about what they imagine non- Trumpers to be thinking.

        • Wow

          There are like 100 protesters standing in the cold outside of the Statehouse in Ohio. I didn’t realize that’s what they were protesting. I thought it was not a real thing… But it’s way too cold.

    • bridget

      Here’s hoping the Electoral College does the right thing and ignores the death threats, abuse, and other threats and elects Trump.

      You will rue the day if they do not. All of us – #NeverTrump, Trump Train, moderates, people who sat out the election – will unleash unshirted hell if the left does not accept the results of a valid election.

      Every single election from now will be a fight. We will refuse to accept the results of any election, even if we lose by a landslide. We will fight – in courts, with guns, by quitting, by civil disobedience – if this does not go through.

      My man Cruz lost to Trump. I accepted it and strongly disagreed with the shenanigans to change the rules at the RNC after the fact.

      You lost. Take your medicine and do what’s right.

      • Anonymous

        I mean, I don’t disagree with your fundamental point- reaching out to individual electors is really not right, and while the electoral college is problematic, he did win.

        But do you have to sound so violent and fascist about it? Do republicans want to be thought of as the brown shirts party?

        • AIMS

          FWIW, I read Bridget’s statement as saying that the outcome of the EC voting to NOT elect him would lead to too much chaos in future elections which is ultimately worse than presumably his presidency.

          I’m someone who keeps hoping to wake up and find out the Trump election was just a nightmare but I don’t disagree.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t think they are bothered anymore by being the brown shirts party. Austria’s far right was just in Russia meeting with Putin. The same far right party people that actually avoided Trump references in the recent Austrian election (which they thankfully lost).

          Not kidding. The actual brown shirts descendants party in Austria (FPO) avoided Trump because he was too far out for them.

          • AnonEU

            Curious about this – would you be able to direct me to some resource about FPO rejecting Trump?

          • Anonymous

            Does it need to be in English? I read most of my Austrian news in German – most of the major papers have translations though, so I should be able to find English.

        • WorkingMom

          AIMS, I read Bridgitt’s comment the same way – that if the EC does not follow through with voting as expected, it will upheave our country’s election process for the foreseeable future. But yeah… a little heavy on the violence. I’m conservative and I peacefully co-exist with my liberal friends just fine :)

          PS – What a gorgeous sheath dress… right?! ;)

      • Anonymous

        Take your medicine and do what’s right?

        (1) Having a different opinion doesn’t mean someone is “crazy” and in need of medication.
        (2) Taking medication isn’t shameful and a de facto insult.

        Not cool.

        • Anonymous

          That’s not what she meant at all. Not take your medicine as in “you must be crazy and need meds” but as in you lost and now you have to swallow the bitter pill of him winning. It’s a common colloquial phrase that has nothing whatsoever to do with mental illness.

          • anon

            Ahhh, just what I’m excited to see on a Monday- another smug, nasty, ignorant post from Bridget.

            “Every single election from now will be a fight. We will refuse to accept the results of any election, even if we lose by a landslide. We will fight – in courts, with guns, by quitting, by civil disobedience – if this does not go through.”

            Yo, Bridget, WAKE UP! Your precious, moral, upstanding republican legislators are *already doing this* and have been for a long time. Look at North Carolina! It’s a disgrace. Look at Merrick Garland! Another disgrace. How can you possibly defend this? I am appalled that you can sit there and pretend that republicans have been behaving with any integrity when it comes to being “sore losers.”

          • Anonymous

            ? yeah, no. The “common colloquial phrase” is definitely built on bias about mental health.

          • Anony

            Yeah, this is right. Let’s not be offended by everything. It means take your pill.

            I agree with Bridget. This would be HORRIBLE precedent. I’m an R who didn’t vote for him. I’m horrified that he is president and that he represents my party (given that he agrees with little of the R principles). But he won, fair and square. All of this muttering about “Russian hackers” and “fake news” does not change that fact. No one has shown any votes actually changed by any of that stuff. Yes, we need an investigation, but he still won fair and square, and they have to do what is right.

          • Anonymous

            No. It well predates any mental health treatments. It means accept negative consequences without complaining. It just doesn’t have an implication that you are crazy and need to be taking medicine at all.

          • Jax

            The meaning of take one’s medicine is:
            The definition of take one’s medicine is:

            (idiom) accept your punishment

            Google for 2 minutes. The phrase has nothing to do with mental health.

        • anon

          Maybe they mean take your medicine now, before the health insurance laws change and it becomes more expensive….

      • Anonymous

        Wow.

        “We will fight – in courts, with guns, by quitting, by civil disobedience – if this does not go through.”

        Good to know that ‘guns’ is the immediate reaction and two spots ahead of ‘civil disobedience’.

        I love HRC but I agree it is a dangerous precedent to not elect Trump. You could have made that point with less hyperbole and without threats of fighting with guns.

        • anon

          Did you see the videos of Trump’s campaign rallies? Have you paid any attention at all to his supporters? They are angry and they will absolutely reach for their guns before they pick up the phone to contact their representatives. It’s time for those of us on the left to GTFO of our bubble and recognize what’s happening. It’s pretty rare for me to stick up for bridget, but seriously, don’t shoot the messenger here.

        • bridget

          Let me be abundantly clear about something: the only reason that duly-appointed electors (except for the Ashley Madison dude in Texas) would not vote according to their state’s results is because your side has been issuing death threats against them.

          At this point, electors in PA, Michigan, and Wisconsin have been offered police protection.

          The left went to violence and death threats to attempt to get their way. If it is successful, only a massive hypocrite would make snotty remarks about conservatives responding in kind.

          FYI.

          • nasty woman

            “[T]he only reason that duly-appointed electors (except for the Ashley Madison dude in Texas) would not vote according to their state’s results is because your side has been issuing death threats against them.”

            Citation needed. Thanks in advance.

          • Anonymous

            There have been crazies on the right making death threats against even ordinary people on the left this entire election cycle but I don’t hold you personally responsible for them, anymore than you should be holding ‘the left’ responsible for a few crazies who you allege to be making threats.

            “At this point, electors in PA, Michigan, and Wisconsin have been offered police protection.” Do you have a legitimate news source for this? I can’t find a single news report involving the police or electoral office indicating that there have been verified death threats. Please don’t contribute to the cycle of fake news.

          • anon

            Bridget, you must have missed the oped from conservative electors explaining that they would never vote for Trump.

    • Anonymous

      There’s no way they’re going to vote for anyone other than him. And even if a bunch of Rs write in names, it will go to the House and he’ll win there. To prevent him from becoming President, the R electors would have to vote for Hillary, which is of course never going to happen. This is a pure fantasy.

    • LostInTranslation

      It is a fantasy unfortunately but it’s one some of us had because the alternative – that Americans elected such a hate-spewing, childish, bigoted, sexist celebrity – was too difficult for many of us to bear. I was raised to believe that the President of the United States was someone children should be able to look up to. I can’t get out of my mind the image of him on the campaign trail greeting his followers by yelling “Listen MF’ers …” And of course many of us were taught that this was the very thing the EC was supposed to prevent – that the ignorant masses would someday be duped into electing a completely unqualified and even dangerous person. But maybe that was just an oversimplification of the intent of it.

      • anon

        “Many of us were taught that this was the very thing the EC was supposed to prevent — that the ignorant masses would someday be duped into electing a completely unqualified and even dangerous person.”

        +10000000

    • Anonymous

      +1 million. I’ll take a coup and fighting in the streets before I accept him as president. Anything that gets him out is fine by me.

      • Anonymous

        You clearly have no idea what you are even saying right now. How privileged of you.

        • Lana

          +1 Please spend some time looking at the pictures of what is happening in Aleppo right now and then pictures of what Aleppo looked like before. The only coup or fighting you should be hoping for is the kind that happens in Congress if the Dems learn to take a few lessons in obstructionism from the Republicans. And even then, I’m not sure that is something one should really hope for.

          • Grammar

            That’s the first thing I thought of as well. It’s easy to sit behind a computer in our world and say “I’ll take a civil war over Trump!” But the reality of that idea is a heck of a lot less glamorous. I mean really, really think about a civil war today – do you really want that? If you don’t like Trump, then vote him out in 4 years.

      • Anonymous

        You have no idea what you are saying. The country I come from has had a coup d’etat something like 9 times since 1980 as well as several other attempts. My family had to flee the violence. It’s just like what is happening in Syria now.

        I do not like president-elect Trump. But I feel fortunate to be an American even after the elections. My family was lucky because many others died trying to reach a place like America. People were willing go risk death to reach a democracy. I don’t like him or that he won. But we have a democracy and he won.

      • Anon

        ….says the poster who is so pro-Hillary, is probably also an anti-gunner. Gee, I wonder which side would win in that scenario.

    • Marshmallow

      They’re going to elect him. I’ve resigned myself to it. My lawyer brain understands the constitutional crisis that would ensue, plus the election would just go to the Republican House anyway– same result. An electoral college revolt is not the way to save our democratic ideals.

      Deep breaths. I’m very, very, very worried and fearful. Today will just make it more concrete.

    • LawChick

      And I absolutely LOVE it! But I would never pay that price for it. Sigh.

      • Jitterbug

        Yup, same here. I mean, I make way less than most of the regulars here, the most I’d ever pay for a work dress is around $80 and that’s if I love the dress and feel amazing in it, and I haven’t had any major expenses come up recently.

        • Grammar

          Whoa I didn’t even notice the price tag! That’s like a mortgage payment!

    • Sydney Bristow

      Roland Mouret dresses feature heavily in my dream wardrobe where I fit in straight sizes and have gobs of money. This is gorgeous (minus the zipper).

  3. anon

    Boat neck looks awful on women with broad shoulders and big b**bs (like me!)

    • Anonymous

      Boatneck is great for small chested women (like me) but I also have broadish shoulders so can’t decide if I should avoid?

      • CountC

        I am small of chest and large of shoulders and I think boat neck tops are very flattering on me, go for it!

    • anon

      Interesting, I have broad shoulders and a large chest and I find boat necks to be really flattering on me. It’s crew necks that I can’t do. Maybe it’s a proportion thing? I’m high waisted and short, if that makes a difference.

    • ANON

      So, don’t buy it? Do you want every dress featured on here to be flattering on you personally?

  4. Anonymous

    The Roland Mouret dress is gorgeous, but there’s no way I could justify spending 2 full paychecks/4 weeks of pay on one dress.

    I have the Classiques one from Nordstrom and I love it and get compliments on it all the time.

    • In-House Europe

      Ah, good to know! I have to admit, I was worried it would give off a Star Trek red shirt vibe, but if it doesn’t…I might have to indulge. Wish I could afford the Mouret version…*sigh*

      • anon

        Is it *so* hard to believe that someone could be a high achiever who is just starting out in a non-profit setting, academia, or similar?

      • anon for this

        SURPRISE! Not all of us here work in Big Law! I only make $35,000 a year, and would never spend so much on a dress.

          • all about eevee

            I am a higher education fundraiser and could never afford to spend so much on any article of clothing. I can look polished and chic for a whole hell of a lot less than $1600.

        • Anonymous

          Legal aid attorneys at my organization start around $40K in a HCOL city and max out around $65K.

      • Anonymous

        Dude, not everyone here is in Big Law or the equivalent. I have two graduate degrees, have been very successful in my field and make less than $40,000. Highly educated and high-achieving does not automatically mean high-earning.

    • Sonny

      I love this dress and would gleefully buy it if I were a mega-wealthy heiress who worked for fun.

      Unfortunately I am not.

      • Anonymous

        If I were a mega-wealthy heiress who worked for fun, I imagine that I would abuse the heck out of said job:
        — pushing the boundaries of bus-cas to: pajama-cas, hooded athleisure wear (for all of those selling perfectly good dresses and then putting a hood on them)
        — strolling in at the crack of 11 (and then it’s brunch o’clock — whoo hoo!)

        Oh, wait, I have become Edina from Ab Fab.

  5. BB

    Any meteorology buffs can help me out here…I’m planning an 8 hour drive on Christmas Eve through multiple states. What’s the best way to keep up to date on the weather? So far, all I’ve done is google the weather in various towns along the way, but surely there’s a better way to do this that will give me the full picture?

    • Elnora

      Depending on where you are, the respective states’ departments of transportation may have web-cams or dedicated storm-watch warnings tailored specifically to the quality of their roads and such. Also handy that you can find out about road closures from the same source.

    • rosie

      You may be overthinking this. When I am doing a 6-8 hr drive through multiple states, I look at the weather forecast for those areas in the days leading up to my trip. If there are projections of bad weather, I would figure out local radio stations for the areas you’ll be driving through so I could tune into those during the drive to hear local forecasts as needed.

    • Bonnie

      Accuweather has a trip planner. Also, if you use the Waze app, it will notify you of any hazardous weather conditions, traffic accidents, or speed traps.

    • Anonymous

      If it’s going to snow or sleet, look at the radar and zoom out and decide if it’s going to be too bad to drive in. Otherwise, you don’t really need to do much weather checking.

    • lost academic

      I keep an eye on the radar at least hourly and I familiarize myself with the larger weather patterns and directional storms so that I know where the trouble is likely to come from and where to look to predict it. But I don’t assume I can a) c heck the radar on my phone given coverage on any trip so I also b) track down the local radio stations most likely to report on it (hint – AM)

    • Emmy See

      If you’re on a fancy road like the OH Turnpike, they should have weather radar displayed in rest stops so you can update yourself along the way. Also, find out local weather radio stations in advance so you can check those as well. :)

    • CMT

      I follow my local NWS office’s twitter account. It’s by far the most up-to-date and accurate weather info I can find. Maybe scope out the areas you’ll be traveling through and see if those offices have active social media accounts?

  6. Falling in love

    A dear family member who was widowed two years ago met a man about two months ago who was also recently widowed (last year). They hit it off immediately and have been inseparable ever since. Should I be concerned about how fast they are moving? She sounds so happy, I met the guy and he seemed great (although we only talked for a few hours), and he’s crazy about her too. I really want to be happy for her and I am, but there’s a tiny part of me that’s worried something could be fishy because they got together SO fast and said “I love you” within the first three dates. They’re in their 60s and 70s and have very similar backgrounds in terms of family, education, hobbies, etc., which makes me think this really could be one of those cases of love at first sight, but I’m just not sure. Any thoughts on this?

    • Anonymous

      Cautious until you said their ages. It’s natural at that age to not waste a lot of time because you may not have that long left. I’m sure they also both connected about losing their partners. Widowhood is different from divorce and being with someone who understands that you can both mourn a long time partner and want to move forward with a new partner to enjoy the life you have left.

      It’s common for men to move on more quickly than women. A surprising number of men are remarried 18 months after losing their partner. The only reason for concern would be if there were financial inequality issues – e.g. he can’t afford a home so he’s dating her to try to move in.

      • Anonymous

        If she were a man, this would be slow. I’m used to happily married elderly men remarrying w/in a year. Usually to someone who is already in their circle.

        Sometimes it’s: the church circles we’re in would frown on not being married.

        I would expect the opposite: not marrying due to already having benefits from a deceased spouse, already having a house they like, rules @ assisted living facilities, etc.

    • Anonymous

      None of your business. They are competent adults, there’s nothing all that unusual about what they are doing.

      • Anon

        Actually, I do consider it my business because she set up the meeting so I could give her my opinion on him and I really care about her happiness. Her last marriage had a lot of challenges and I would LOVE for this new relationship to work out in every possible way, but after seeing how miserable she became with the last guy (who was so, so different from the new man), I’m a little extra cautious. I don’t see any real danger signs, but it’s just a little fast.

        • Anonymous

          Ok, and he seemed sane, nice, you talked for a few hours, they have similar backgrounds, and he’s very much in love. So say “I’m so happy for you he is great!” and move on. That request wasn’t an invitation for you to be all up in their business.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah but that sort of “Can I get your opinion?” meeting is more to see if you like the guy, spot any red flags, etc. After that, the way she chooses to conduct her relationship is not really your business. I have a tendency to get over-involved in the emotional concerns of other people exactly the way you are doing right now, and it’s actually not healthy or appreciated, which I’ve learned the hard way; it’s a form of boundarilessness. You need to butt out or you’re going to cause stress in the relationship for absolutely NO reason.

      • anon

        +1

        Not really sure what OP is looking for here. I mean you know you can’t say anything, right? Do you want us to validate your concerns so you can feel justified in worrying for the sake of worrying? Let it go.

        • Falling in love

          So if this happened to one of your friends or family members, you’d just totally stay out of it? I guess I’ve read too much about moving very fast being a hallmark sign of abusive relationships. When you care about someone, particularly someone who was not happy by the end of her previous marriage, you should keep an eye on these things and offer support.

          • Annnnnnon

            I think you should mostly stay out of it unless there is abuse going on, yes. If you say anything negative, and she decides to stay in the relationship anyway, then you have set yourself up for being considered the naysayer and potentially being excluded from get togethers and such. If you gush about it and things go sour, then you set yourself up for the “why did you let me stay with him,” discussion later down the road. I don’t get involved in other people’s relationships. If someone asks me what I think, I turn it around and ask them more questions that will help lead them to their own conclusions (much like a therapist would).

          • Annnnnnon

            But to echo 9:38 a.m., you have ZERO signs of abuse here. They are older and many older people know what they want and if they are happy there is no beating around the bush about it. It’s not like they have 50 more years to figure it out!

          • Anonymous

            OK people, you could be a bit more polite here. OP, I don’t see any warning signs in your description, at least not at that age. I wouldn’t worry about this, just be happy for her.

          • Anonymous

            You’re sounding crazier and crazier the more you respond to comments. Falling in love fast is in no way a sign of abuse.

            Plus, you don’t seem to realize the distinction between falling in love at first sight in your 20s vs. in your 70s. In your 20s, there’s some risk that after living together for a while, you’ll realize you aren’t on the same page about kids or money or religion or one of those other big things and you’ll split up because you don’t want the same things out of life. That’s why people worry when two 22 year olds say they’re in love and getting married after a month. But when you’re in your 70s, many of those big life things are already in the rear view mirror, and you’re just looking for someone to make your golden years more pleasant. After a few weeks, you can totally know that someone is kind and funny and makes you happy. And if she ceases to enjoy his company at some future date, presumably she’ll end the relationship. You are making a mountain out of the proverbial molehill.

          • boris

            I know someone in an almost identical situation. Yes, they’re moving fast, but so what? I trust my friend to break up with this dude if it isn’t working for her. They’re not building a relationship in order to buy first houses, have kids and set the foundations of their lives up: they’re looking for love and companionship with someone who fits with their lifestyle. Compatibility issues are so different at 70 than they are at 25. Just be happy for her as long as she’s happy.

    • anon

      So at this point, they are past the having kids stage, have a lot of common ground and experiences, are looking at retirement if they aren’t already there, are established in family relationships, and are already experienced in the ways of marriage/long term relationships (probably). So most of the factors that might lead you to be cautious earlier in life aren’t at issue. If asked, I’d probably caution her to be careful in combining finances, but other than that, it sounds like she’s in a good place.

      • Cat

        Agreed with all of this. If they move towards marriage, the financial planning of what’s blended and what’s kept separate can take awhile.

      • lawsuited

        +1 Protecting herself financially is really the only concern, so I’d mention that to her (“My first impression of him was great and I’m so happy for you! Do be careful about combining finances though – you need to make sure you’re protected, and I’ll help you in anyway I can.”

        • WorkingMom

          I think this is perfect. At their age the financial component would be the only part to worry me. You just don’t know, even after a couple of months of dating, there could be a financial motive to the relationship; and heck, if both parties are aware and agree then it’s fine. (For example if he had saved zero for retirement and she had a nice nest egg; if they decided to share it – so be it.) If everything sounds great otherwise, I’d assume as much but offer my personal assistance if she needs any help or advice regarding the financial side of things.

    • Anonymous

      What? This sounds wonderful. Just be happy for her. If she starts paying the guy’s bills, then maybe worry. But I don’t see any red flags. Plenty of couples move this fast, and it makes even more sense when you’re older and don’t have much time left. I’m honestly confused why your reaction would be anything but 100% thrilled for her/them.

      • Falling in love

        I have been with her, 100% – we’ve spent so much time gushing about him and I really do get a good vibe about this. I just wanted a sanity check because it’s easy to get caught up in the romance and I wouldn’t want to miss a danger sign (to be clear, she’s specifically asked for my thoughts/has been introducing him to all her friends for the same purpose). The fact that everyone here seems to think I’m being crazy is perhaps reassuring.

        • Annnnnnon

          I’d be more concerned that she seems to need validation from everyone else before she can be comfortable in the relationship, not about the relationship itself.

          • Falling in love

            I probably mischaracterized this – she’s been really clear from the beginning that she’s happy and in love and has been introducing him to everyone, but not doing the desperate “so you like him, right?” kind of thing in every conversation. It’s been more of a casual “oh and he met my friend Susan and she just LOVED him” situation with deeper conversations between her sister and me (her remaining family).

          • Annnnnnon

            Then you say, “I am so happy for you, he seems wonderful.”

            She’s not really asking for your critical advice here, she is excited, happy, and proudly showing him off.

    • bridget

      They are old enough so that is normal, but not so old that dementia would be a concern.

      My only suggestion is that she talk to an attorney with some expertise in elder law and estate planning.

    • CPA Lady

      How did they meet?

      My husband’s grandmother remarried after her husband died. The guy she married was a family friend who was also a widower. They were just looking for a companion to spend their final years with. They got together fairly quickly.

      I agree that at their age the stakes are lower and it makes sense that things could move more quickly. They aren’t looking for a co-parent or a person to spend the next 60 years with. I would be happy for them, and if you see a red flag address it in the moment, but otherwise, this doesn’t sound particularly troubling to me.

      • Falling in love

        Through a friend of a friend – they both have wide circles of friends with some distant overlap, which is reassuring to me as well. I would probably truly be alarmed if this were a whirlwind romance where they had really dissimilar backgrounds or if he were not her usual type at all.

        • Anonymous

          I think it’s nice that you are being so thoughtful about this, but I don’t think there’s any reason to worry!

    • Scarlett

      Sometimes when you know you just know. I met and planned to marry my husband a month later, we married on our six month anniversary, still going strong two years later. Sorry, there’s no abuse or problems to see here. I don’t get the handwringing over time in a relationship, frankly – I had multi year relationships before my husband, probably because I bought into the “it takes time” social narrative. It can, but it doesn’t have to. Especially when people are old enough to know themselves and to know what they want. No need to look for trouble here.

    • waffles

      My grandmother married a man that she met at her snowbird home in Florida. It was very quick – we didn’t even know they were dating until she called to tell us about the wedding. Her reasoning for the quick wedding was because they wanted to travel together, and in her traditional mind it would be “inappropriate” to travel together if they were not married. Despite the quick courtship, they were happily married for over 10 years before he passed away.

  7. Anonymous

    Help! What is market for secretary end of year “gifts” in NY or DC biglaw? I know there was a discussion the other day but I don’t think there was a consensus. Is it still $100 per class year? I was out on maternity leave and then switched firms, so it’s been a while since I’ve spent a regular year with one secretary, and I don’t know the norm anymore.

    • Cat

      In Philly BigLaw, for associates it was about $100 for a 1st year, scaling up to about $250 as an 8th year.

      Do you share your assistant? I’d ask your fellow gift-givers… I wouldn’t think twice if a new lateral asked me the “going rate.”

      • ace

        Ditto for Chicago. I’m not sure that the old $100/year of practice applies in DC/NY any more… honestly, it never really did in Chicago.

  8. Changing yourself for the better

    For half the year I’ve been seeing someone who I really like, as we’re getting closer I’m noticing there are certain flaws about myself that I want to change and never realized before (i.e. i really bad a communicating sometimes, make assumptions, and im not that patient – thanks therapy!). What are some flaws you’ve noticed about yourself that you had to change when it came to relationships (platonic and romantic!) and how did you go about changing it?

    • Anonymous

      I was very very insecure, which came out as needing way too much contact and involvement and depending too much on other people for validation – romantic and other relationships. I basically grew up? I spent a lot of time with positive self talk, I set boundaries for how often I can reach out to people, I developed ways to take care of myself. It was really hard but also really great for all of my life.

    • Marshmallow

      Oh, this is a really good topic. I tend to deflect responsibility away from myself for stupid little things, like if we’ve both made a mess I’ll complain about “his” mess. I also tend to take out my stress on whomever is around me by being snappy. I’ve worked a lot on breathing before speaking and trying to have a more generous spirit with others.

    • CountC

      I’ll play.

      I was terrible at talking about my feelings and communicating them in a productive/constructive way. I would shut down. In a romantic relationship, this meant cutting off all of the physical intimacy. In a friendship, this meant going MIA. Thanks to therapy and making an effort to work on it, I have become much more comfortable with this and it has made a huge difference in friendships and in romantic relationships.

      Also, many years ago when I was unhappy with myself, I would cut others down in ways I knew would really hurt them. It was terrible and I have since apologized to the people who were affected. I’ve become much more confident and am very happy with my life and who I am and, as a result, my over all outlook has changed for the positive.

      None of the above means that I am still not working on things and trying to be the best version of myself I can be, or that I am perfect at these things, but I have much better self awareness.

    • Torin

      Mine was poor communication skills when I’m upset — I used to shut down and not communicate about why I was upset because I feared having the sort of screaming fight my parents’ used to have that ended with one or both of them saying something unforgivable. I had to learn through doing that silence or unforgivable insults are not the only two ways to disagree or communicate hurt feelings. You can also communicate them calmly by rationally explaining why you are upset and what you wish the other person had done differently. This has taken me basically my entire life to figure out how to do though (early 30’s) so I don’t want to at all imply that it’s easy to change the way you communicate when you’re upset. I think one thing that helped was realizing that the other person usually has literally no idea what they did wrong. Even when people are insensitive, and sometimes even when they’re huge a$$holes, they usually don’t _set out_ to upset you and will have no idea they did unless you tell them.

      Now, the other key to this is being with someone who will respond to your calmly expressed hurt feelings by accepting that they upset you, apologizing, and attempting to do better, rather than getting defensive and explaining why your hurt feelings are wrong/illegitimate/whatever. So it does take two. :)

    • Jitterbug

      My boyfriend almost ended things back in July (after around 3 months) after I got really frustrated one night because things weren’t going according to plan. He said he needed to be with someone who could go with the flow, and I decided it wouldn’t hurt to try to be more easy-going, so I immediately started working on that. I think it’s gone all right, so far.

      I also know that if I ever want to live with this guy, I need to establish better housekeeping habits, and at some point soon I need to conduct a massive purge of all the junk cluttering up my room!

    • Anonymous

      I was incredibly jealous over things that were really no big deal. It stemmed from the fact that my dad cheated on my mom a lot and eventually left her for a much younger woman. My mom also shared all the dirty details with me as this was happening when I was age 13-15. I was terrified that the same would happen to me and that my family would fall apart the same way. I felt like if I could have total control over my husband then he wouldn’t be able to cheat and wouldn’t be able to destroy our family. Of course, that is impossible. He was very patient as I worked through these issues and now I trust him completely (he never really did anything to make me doubt him, but I was unable to trust anyone). I don’t even mind when he has lunch with woman co-workers, which in the past would have felt like a huge betrayal.

    • anon

      I interrupt and do not let people finish. Frankly, I am right about 95% of the time as to what they are going to say but that’s not really the point. People do not like to be interrupted. So patience.

      Also, I am not very warm when my partner arrives. If I am trying to finish something that I was in the middle of doing, it’s a distraction so I just keep humming along. But really, it’s not that distracting. So I am working on being warmer when welcoming. I am generally very loving just not very good at staying on task. But I guess I am a jerk about it.

      Last, I take forever to leave the house. I need to ask for help or realize that no, the laundry does not all need to be put away before we walk the dog or go to dinner. I am just so used to having time to put everything in it’s place. I have a small apt and clutter really makes me annoyed. But I am learning to prioritize that preference.

      • Jane

        I hope your second paragraph matters to your partner as much as it would matter to me if you were my partner. I cherish those moments when one of us arrives home and we say hello to one another, the person at home having stopped what they’re doing for a few minutes. They’re often my favorite of the day, and help transition mentally from being out in the world to being together. But I also know how aggravating it can be to be interrupted. I recognize your sacrifice in this change, but hope it matters a lot to the person you are with.

    • all about eevee

      I was passive aggressive. I changed it by simply telling my SO any time I was even the least bit upset about something instead of hiding the information that I was upset in the back of my brain and expecting him to use a treasure map to find it. The best thing about my relationship is that I can go to my SO and tell him anything, and he will listen and adapt accordingly (and vice versa – he does the same). We are the happiest couple in our social circle.

    • numbersmouse

      I’m mean.

      I mean, I can be kind and thoughtful, but my first reaction when someone wrongs me is to take my anger out on them and try to hurt them. I’ve been working on it, mostly just by stopping for a few seconds and thinking about what I’m about to say/do.

    • CMT

      Not telling the other person my expectations and expecting them to magically be met anyway (I guess this falls under communication more broadly), willingness to compromise.

    • Shenandoah

      I have unrealistic expectations that a partner or friend should be a mind reader and be able to anticipate exactly what my needs or concerns are and address them in precisely the way I want them addressed. But without me saying anything. It’s still a work in progress and presumably always will be, but I’m working on communicating my issues calmly and clearly. And recognizing when I failed to communicate appropriately so I avoid being passive aggressive or just downright mean. At the same time, I tend to want to avoid confrontation, so I’m also learning how to better stand my ground if I have communicated clearly but the other person continues to fall short.

    • Anon

      My sense of humor skews towards being mean. When I was in high school and college, I was always that girl who was sarcastic, acerbic, etc. Basically, I was insecure and put up a big wall around myself by being “funny”. Really, though, my barbed jokes were hurtful to the people around me.

      It took me a long time to understand that kindness is the absolute core and foundation of meaningful relationships of any sort – romantic or platonic. Being overtly kind did not come naturally to me. It felt silly and saccharine, and much more comfortable to basically be cold and aloof.

      Giving up that shell has transformed my relationships. I have still kept a somewhat dark and cutting sense of humor, but I direct it at things like TV shows or fictional characters or frustrating situations, rather than people.

  9. Betty

    I wear eyeliner and mascara (top lashes only for both). I get these weird dark smudges on the outer corner underneath my eyes. Any idea where this is coming from?

    • CountC

      I get those smudges from my mascara unless I put a coat of waterproof on top of the regular.

    • anomanom

      I find it depends on the undereye concelaer I am wearing. Some of them that stay creamier all day seem to cause this more than those that set a little more.

    • lawsuited

      I have somewhat oily lids so some mascaras transfer like this on me (Too Faced’s Better Than S*x is the worst culprit) and other mascaras are fine.

    • H

      Does it always happen? I notice this occurring when I need to replace my mascara. A brand new tube (drug store brand) will not do this to me.

    • Anon

      Yes it’s oil around your eyes causing that. Skip eye cream for a day and see if it persists.

  10. Sewist

    I don’t think the darts on this are anything special. I’m a home sewist, and this is the most basic possible silhouette – bust dart, hip darts, waist seam, plus the added center seam for the v neck. Are others here really that impressed?

    • Anonymous

      If you’re a hobby seamstress who can make this dress, that’s impressive.

      • Sewist

        I could make a knock-off of this dress, tailored to my weird shaped body (short torso, small boobs, big rear). I do make most of my own button front shirts and work pants and no one’s ever commented on them, so I like to think they “pass.” RTW does have access to MUCH better fabric and specialized equipment, to be fair, and there are many designs that impress and amaze me. This one has nice details but the shape is not exciting to me.

    • anon

      Simple dresses like this require impeccable tailoring. It happens to fit the model very well. It would not look like that on me without some tailoring, though the placement of the darts would probably make this a lot easier for me to have tailored than, say, the Classiques dress.

      I think the dart across her rear looks weird, though.

    • Also Sews

      I think the neckline and the structure in the shoulder of the sleeve pull it out the really basic. But yes, the rest of the dress is just a matter of dart and waist placement. For $1600, I’d want to see what the inner construction looks like, though. That’s where I’d expect to be impressed.

      But yes, it does have a whiff of “Oh, I could make that” :)

    • Shopaholic

      I do think it’s impeccable tailoring, which I assume is difficult, but don’t know for sure because I can’t really sew.

      If you can make a dress like this, I’m really impressed! (I can’t even sew on buttons)

    • Anonymous

      I was going to post here to say that if anyone here is looking for a hobby, learn to sew. I made a dress quite similar to this as my first garment. Fit was a bit off, in retrospect, but it was wearable and I got compliments. By my 3rd dress, I knew the main adjustments I needed (grade from one size at shoulders to another at waist), and it looked great. I’ve made further minor fit adjustments since then (5 years on), but I’ve made tons of dresses, the most expensive being $90 of Liberty of London fabric and maybe $5 in notions. I have a basic sewing machine (first 4 years I used a $120 machine). Then you’ll start getting into jackets, buttondowns, coats, and pants, and you’re hooked! I disagree about access to fabric and designs– there are a ton of beautiful patterns well-suited to professional wear, and lots of great fabric. I will say finding good fabric can be hit-or-miss online, but I’ve made lots of nice stuff out of mediocre fabrics. Bonus: I have a much better understanding about fit and fabric now, and am much pickier about RTW items– I buy far fewer things just because I appreciate that they don’t fit right or will wear poorly.

      • Sewist

        I’ve also gotten waaaaay pickier about RTW, and agree with the above comment that inside finishing is key, especially at a Splurge Monday price point.

        My goal this winter is to make a trench coat – I haven’t done outerwear yet.

        And +1 on the comment for anyone looking for a hobby! Sewing, and knitting, are both great, especially if you like clothes.

        • BB

          Outerwear is super fun! :) Don’t think you will have this problem since you’re doing a trench, but pick a nice tight woven. The only time it becomes not so fun is when you’re working with things like tweed that move around on you a lot.

          My goal this winter is pants.

      • Also Sews

        My only disagreement is about the machine. Cheap is great to start out with, but I think cheap can also be really frustrating for a beginning sewer if there are issues with the tension or dealing with finer fabrics.

        I’d avoid the $100-$300 range of machines (Singers mostly now) and go for an entry level basic machine from Janome, Viking, etc. You don’t need the all the fancy stitches to start out, so something that straight stitches and then zigzags to finish, maybe with some knit stitches, it all you really need.

        But then I’m biased – I’ve got a 35-year old mechanical Elna (metal parts!) that runs like a dream and am always slightly intimidated by the newer electronic machines my Mom has that she need classes to learn how to use.

        • cactus killer

          +1 for picking up sewing as hobby. I’ve been sewing for less than two years, but I’ve been able to make a bunch of (basic) tops, skirts, and shorts that I wear all the time. It’s also taught me a lot about how to evaluate RTW clothes and fabrics.

          Related to the comment above — my cheapo Singer crapped out on me this weekend and I’ve been thinking it’s finally time to buy a nicer machine. What should I expect to spend to get a decent, durable machine? And do you have any specific models you’d recommend?

          • Anonymous

            I have an entry-level Babylock (“Anna”) purchased new for somewhere between $200 and $250 when my Singer died. I love love love it. If I had been willing to spend more in the $500 range I would have gotten the “Rachel.”

            It is a huge waste of money to purchase a cheapo sewing machine (Singer, Brother, or pretty much anything else sold at JoAnn, Target, or Wal-Mart). It will inevitably break after not much usage and then you will have to throw it, plus all of its accessories, away and buy a better machine. Instead, buy an entry-level machine from a reputable manufacturer. If you end up hating sewing, you can resell the machine. If you want to upgrade, you may be able to trade in the entry-level machine.

          • Anonymous

            Original anonymous about sewing as a hobby here: I started with a Brother CS6000i. It was a good basic that served me well for 5 years. Now my son uses it and it still works fine for most applications. I upgraded about a year ago when I got into more knits, which it didn’t handle well. Now have a Janome HD3000, about $300, 7 feed dogs make a huge difference in working with knits. Just made 6 gift “bionic bags” with it (crafts– another fun aspect of sewing!), and it handled all those layers and batting very easily. Very happy with it.

            Also, related to the topic and audience, check out the Sewing Lawyer’s blog for inspiration. (I’m not her). She has made some beautiful jackets, among other things.

          • Also Sews

            +1 – reputable manufacturers include: Babylock, Janome, Viking/Husqvarna, Bernina for new machines. I’d aim for the $400 to $500 range.

            All that being said, I was gifted mine (Elna, 30 years old) from my mother. She’s the one who keeps buying the fancy new ones, so I’m not current on the range of brands these days.

            If you can find a sewing expo in your area, they should have machine dealers there, with machine to try out (and possible sale prices), but that’s probably more time/energy than an beginner sewer wants to expend :)

          • BB

            I think what you spend is very much up to you. Like you, I had a $150 entry level Viking for 5 years. It is still running fine, but is pretty frustrating with any above/below average thickness fabrics. I am pretty serious about my sewing hobby – the dress above would be pretty easy for me to whip up. I will happily spend $50/yard on nice fabric.

            For my new machine, I wanted something that wasn’t going to ever risk destroying expensive cashmere or silk, so I was more in the $1000-2000 range and bought a Bernina. That being said, if you are more occasional and don’t see it changing, I’d also go for the $4-500 range. I’d look at Pfaff, too. I haven’t had personal experience, but I hear decent things in the blogosphere. Also, I was pretty against having a non-mechanical machine for a while, but I LOVE my electronic machine. So much easier to use!

  11. Anon for strange question

    This is the strangest question I’ve ever asked on here before… here goes. Anyone have any recommendations for men’s underwear that are mid range? My husband’s has always worn Hanes or Fruit of the Loom and they are super rough material after a few washes. He won’t buy nicer ones himself so I’d like to get him some for Christmas as sort of a gag gift that he would actually love. Any thoughts? I don’t want to spend $30 a pair or anything but something more high end than Hanes/Fruit of the Loom that I can get on Prime would be great! Thanks!

    • Anon

      I’ve heard good things about Me Undies! Plus literally every other podcast is sponsored by them these days so you can probably get some sort of discount code lol

      • AIMS

        They are very soft. BUT – they are very, um, form fitting? In a weird sort of way. Not my favorite look on a dude, honestly. I’d go with an old school pair of Calvin Kleins.

      • CMT

        My boyfriend didn’t like the way MeUndies fit at all. He does like Mack Weldon.

    • Ms B

      The hubs likes Ex Officio (several colors on sale on Amazon in the $18-20 range) and Me Undies (PSA: no fly on the Me Undies – not a problem for me, but the hubs has commented that it is an inconvenience at sporting events, etc..). I note that while the Ex Officio are somewhat spendy, they last a long time and are great for travel because they dry fast.

    • Anon

      Mine lost his luggage on a business trip and bought new everything at the Jos. A. Bank next to his hotel, and the underwear is so soft! I never realized how rough the material was on his old ones until that. I think this is a great gift idea.

    • Anonymous

      Duluth Trading has nice unfancy underwear. Calvin Klein is also a classic underwear brand.

    • Fishie

      +1 to me undies. They are more of a “pouch” than a traditional fly (so they have to be pulled down a bit to pee), but my fussy, sensitive skinned husband loves his. $20 per pair, but sales pop up from time to time and there are discounts for subscriptions.

    • Anon

      Briefs? My DH wears short boxer briefs from Calvin Klein. There are looser ones and tighter ones and he weeks the latter. Apparently you get the most of the support of briefs with a boxer like look. They wash up very soft and last forever.

    • nutella

      Calvin Klein has a supersoft modal boxer-brief that my SO loves; he buys them at Macy’s.

    • NMB

      My SO insists on Uniqlo Airism, and I am jealous that Uniqlo doesn’t use the material for its ladies undies — really soft, light, and breathable.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        They do! Or at least they have in the past–I have several pairs. But I think it only shows up in the summer, so check back when the weather gets warmer.

    • Anon

      Your husband’s Fruit of the Loom are rough after a few washes? That’s what my DH wears. He’s had his for awhile now and they are still going strong and not rough at all.

    • PinkKeyboard

      My husband loves his Duluth Trading ones. They have a weirdly large junk section up front but that’s just a visual thing, I guess it’s extra comfy and supportive of the goods? At any rate, he LOVES them.

    • ANON

      We get the 100% uniqlo ones and they are great. Soft cotton, good elastic without any pilling, neutral colours available. $5. I totally ungraded all this undies for xmas last year.

    • Anon

      Body by Gap. Very soft. This was my husband’s upgrade. He especially loves the tees for sleeping in.

  12. Brooks Brothers

    Thanks to bridget and others for weighing in on the Brooks Brothers Stellita Fit Wool Small Windowpane suit that was featured here last week. I just got it in the mail and it’s a dream. I’m short, busty, high-waisted and have a terrible time finding suits. I like that the jacket is a bit shorter because it’s a much better proportion on me. I’m also hopeful that the slight A-line of the skirt will mean that it doesn’t wrinkle so much when I’m sitting all day. I’ll have to get the arms and skirt shortened, and maybe put an extra hidden button to hold the jacket closed over my bust line, but other than that it’s great.

    I also tried the deeply discounted black dress, but it didn’t work. The dolman sleeves hit me at the wrong place – it looked like they were coming out of my b00bs – and the fit on the top of the dress in general was super wonky. It’s going back.

  13. Anonymous

    I had an interview for a job last week. I wore a suit. The two people who interviewed me wore jeans and knit shirts. I have been invited back for a second interview with the same two people plus a vp. Do I need to wear another suit or would a professional looking dress be sufficient? (This is for a software company but not in SV.)

    • Anonymous

      I’d wear the dress on today’s post or similar- high neck, sleeves, really knee length.

    • anon

      You’d probably be fine, but I’d wear a jacket. Do you have a blazer that would go nicely with the dress?

    • LawChick

      Suit, definitely. I interviewed at a Biglaw firm out of law school (where I ultimately ended up working) and one of the partners who interviewed me wore a Hawaiian shirt- I kid you not. Our office was the equivalent to a satellite office of the main Biglaw office with around 30+ attorneys and was business casual. At the VERY least wear a dress with a jacket. Good luck and congrats!

    • Ellen

      Kat, this dress is so expensive! I do NOT think I would even try and approach the manageing partner for this one, even if I can look great in RED! FOOEY!

      As for the OP, You MUST continue to dress up, even if the people interviewing YOU are slob’s. Software people tend to be nerdy, so do NOT worry that you are dressed better then them. The teck guy here wear’s dirty shirt’s and skeevey jean’s but he knows how to fix Apple and Windows machine’s. So AFTER you get the job, you can THEN become slovenley, but for now, rely on your PROFESSIONAL INSTINCTS and dress niceley. YAY!!!

    • Anon

      If the VPnis above the level you met with previously, wear the suit. If you met with other VPs last time, and/or you are interviewing for a VP role, dress + jacket. You might be okay in dress +!jackst anyway depending on the firm.

      -VP at a casual dress software company not in SV. Think, like, Oracle but smaller.

    • Jitterbug

      I work at a non-SV software company in Greater Boston, where a lot of people wear jeans and knit shirts. A suit is probably a little more dressed up than you need to be, but may not be a bad idea if you’re interviewing for a position in the finance or legal department. Otherwise, a sheath dress and blazer work fine.

    • anon

      I would wear a suit. Either suit dress with a jacket or a standard suit. I interview people while wearing jeans but if they wear anything other than a suit I am always a bit surprised. I don’t care what you wear once you’re hired (they’re all law students too so I am more about their work product than how they look) but I expect a candidate to put their best foot forward. If they shadow me to court, they would need to wear a suit.

  14. AIMS

    I would like to get a bit of pampering done over the holiday break. Can anyone recommend a good facialist in NYC?

    • Anonymous

      Melanie Herring. You can email her through her website (just google her name). She’s Brooklyn-based. I got the most WONDERFUL facial in April from her.

  15. Anonymous

    Two weeks ago a new hire started at my office. She doesn’t wear a any makeup. One day in the elevator she gave a Sephora gift card that she won in some raffle to another co-worker, because she (new hire) said she doesn’t own makeup and knew our co-worker would get better use from it because co-worker loves Sephora. I admit to being jealous of her confidence because there is no way I would leave the house without makeup. It’s something I’m trying to work on.

    • Anon

      I do not wear any makeup ever. Not because I don’t want to or because I’m super confident, but because I have a recurring case of perioral dermatitis that flares if I apply anything more than prescription cream to my face. I envy women like you who can wear makeup!

      • Anonymous

        Hi, I’ve had eczema for years (now is much better) but I have a tip for you. A) I’ve used a non perscription product called “Drops of Youth” from Body Shop and it worked better than any perscription. All my red itchy blotches are gone and while my skin os still pretty dry, I look fairly normal. I do urge you to try other products on a tiny area, they may work better. For lotions I’ve been using a random supermarket baby lotion that works 10000x better than all my pharmacy creams.

        B) As for makeup, try a dark lipstick. If your lips are ok with makeup, a swipe of red, or purple looks like you did a whole “look” and no makeup goes on the face.

    • Anonymous

      I really encourage you to try! I find it very freeing. I own makeup and wear it for special occasions or just when I feel like it, but it’s great to feel okay about going to run errands on a Saturday with no makeup or a slow Tuesday at work.

    • Delta Dawn

      I am simultaneously (and somewhat ironically) jealous of both the makeup-free coworker and the recipient of the Sephora giftcard. I love Alicia Keys’ no-makeup approach now… And I also love makeup.

      • Marshmallow

        LOL, this is me. Some days I wear no makeup. Other days I spend an hour in the mirror having fun. It’s all good!

    • Anon

      New hire comes across to me as smug and uninformed. Surely she could have found some spf lotion or face cream or bubble bath or something she could have used. Does she really not know that you can buy products that are not make up at Sephora? Also, is she really so incredibly good looking that she couldn’t benefit from a swipe of lip color or …something???

      • Really?

        Live and let live. Your judgment makes you sound like a nasty person. Maybe she has very sensitive skin and only uses specific products that aren’t offered at Sephora? There are many reasons why she might’ve given it away.

      • Anonymous (OP)

        Actually she is the opposite of smug. She has been nothing but nice and down to earth. She has never set foot inside of a Sephora before so maybe she didn’t know, but she did something nice for someone else. Our co-worker was recently rear ended and although she she was not physically hurt she was a little bit shaken up and she was very happy to receive the gift card. I don’t see what her looks have to do with it, she is happy with herself and I admire that. It’s sad that you have to tear down another woman over her looks. You should work on whatever self confidence issues you have instead.

      • anon

        Aw I think it’s nice. Sure she COULD have found something or a gift but she gave it to someone who loves that store. My roommate loves that store as well.

      • pockets

        Most people who don’t wear makeup are not doing it because they think they are so freaking beautiful they don’t need help. I don’t wear makeup and it’s not because I think I’m gorgeous – I think I’m OK looking – it’s because (depending on who you ask) I’m lazy or I’m fighting the social expectation that women have to wear makeup. I think it’s sweet that rather than hoard the gift card or use it for something she didn’t really want, she gave it to a co-worker whom she knew would enjoy it.

        • Torin

          +1

          I’m aware that I’m not the hottest woman you’ve ever met; that has nothing to do with why I don’t wear makeup. I don’t wear it because I’m lazy and I don’t like the way it feels on my skin.

          I will say though that I do think it looks weird is if I’m in a picture standing right next to a woman who is wearing foundation. The contrast makes both of us look weird.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        I’m nothing special. And I’m lazy. And maybe I will look better with “a swipe of lip color or something,” but it’s not what I do daily. And it’s none of you or anyone else’s damn business. Good for her. She had no obligation to use it and you’re coming off so nasty here.

      • lost academic

        Um. It’s exactly what I would have done. Of course one can always find something to spend it on, but when you know of someone who would not just do that but love to, why wouldn’t you give it away and generate a lot more happiness and value? What a disturbing comment here, on so many levels.

      • ANON

        Oh, dear. I think your reaction says a lot about you and your insecurities. New hire isn’t forgoing makeup *at* anybody, least of all you.

      • Parfait

        Oh please. I’m far from the hottest thing to have ever walked the earth and I wear either no makeup or just lipstick 90% of the time. I see it as dress-up fun and wear it when I’m getting all dolled up to go somewhere special. It is hardly smug or uninformed to have other life preferences than you do.

        • Senior Attorney

          I dunno, Parfait. I’ve seen you and you’re pretty darned hot… ;)

    • ChiLaw

      I really think it’s a matter of just getting used to how your face actually looks. I used to wear full makeup to work — foundation, eyes, mascara, blush, maybe bronzer, something on my lips… then maternity leave and I was just burned out on it (ngl there was also some feminist rage involved in my rejection of makeup). Now when I try foundation on I haaaate it — it doesn’t look like my face! I still love party makeup and sparkly eyes, and wear BB cream about 1/2 the time to work, but just owning that this is how my face looks is really liberating. (And to answer the 11:52 anon, I am not shockingly good looking at all, I just don’t think my looks, aside from professional tidiness and cleanliness) should be relevant to my work.)

    • Walnut

      I’ve slowly stopped wearing makeup over the years and my skin is 100% happier as a result. If you want to take baby steps into dropping makeup, just slowly stop using products as they run out.

    • numbersmouse

      I stopped wearing makeup in summer 2015, and went something like 8 months without any makeup whatsoever. I originally stopped as an experiment because I didn’t want to deal with makeup running in the heat, but after a couple of months I realised I suddenly liked the look of my face a lot more. You don’t need to be super-confident to stop wearing makeup; it’s the lack of makeup that helps your confidence along. Now I use some light makeup for special events, but I don’t bother with it on a daily basis.

  16. Slipper Slipper

    I’m always a last-minute shopper and LL Bean’s Wicked Good slippers are sold out in my SO’s size. Any other recommendations for men’s slippers? Just needs to be warm and have a solid/non-fabric bottom.

      • pockets

        I have the Acorn slipper socks and they are amazing, and whenever I wear them around other people I always get compliments/”where did you get those”

      • HQB

        Thumbs up to Eddie Bauer – that’s what my partner always wears and he loves them.

    • Greensleeves

      My husband loves the Haflinger slippers. They come with a softer sole for indoors or a more substantial sole that would hold up to some outdoor use too. I got them at Nordstrom but sometimes they’re on Amazon as well.

      • Jane

        +1. My parents, my husband, and I all wear Haflinger. Three of us have the ones with cork soles (rubber on the bottom) and one has the soft bottoms. We all love them and they hold up very well.

  17. Anon

    Found out today post ultrasound I have gallstones. I have to see a specialist to discuss options, which of course means a month before I could get an appointment.

    I know it’s normal to have a wait, but my GP stressed getting a specialist appointment ASAP, and I have terrible anxiety, so waiting a month has me nervous, then figuring out surgery options has me more nervous.

    Anyone else had gallstones or their gallbladder removed? What was the process like?

    • Torin

      I haven’t but my brother had his gallbladder removed a couple years ago. The procedure was done laparoscopically, he didn’t even stay overnight in the hospital, and the recovery time wasn’t that extensive.

    • Diana Barry

      I had my gallbladder out last year. It was totally fine, recovery was pretty quick. I had surgery on a Thursday or Friday, I took the following week off but worked from home, and then the next week I was able to go back to work although no tight pants yet. It was harder for me not to eat any fat before the surgery – I lost some weight without trying. I had about 2 months in between diagnosis and the surgery.

    • Anonymous

      I had my gallbladder out earlier this year. I had to wait longer than I would have liked to have it taken out because I needed to schedule a week to be out of the office. (I had surgery on a Monday, and went back to work the next Monday.) I had sporadic, but acute symptoms. Once I knew what the problem was (like you, I found out from an ultrasound), I was happy because if my symptoms were as bad as they had been, I could go to the ER and they would know what to do. The surgery itself was much easier than I thought it would be – laproscopic, relatively straightforward recovery that tracked with my doctor’s expectations.

    • ANP

      Had mine out a couple of years ago (5-6?) after YEARS of off and on/recurring stomach pain associated with eating. I was super nervous going into it but it was an easy-peasy surgery — my procedure was laparoscopic and I chose to go home the same day, so no overnight in the hospital. I had to take it pretty easy for about a week (drugs/meds first 2 days, maybe? Then just advil) but was able to work from home after I got off the meds. I went back part-time (half-days) the following 2-3 weeks, not because of any pain, just fatigue. Unlike Diana Barry I didn’t have any special food requirements before/after. Other than this and giving birth, I’ve never had any major medical procedures — knock wood! — but I’d say this was a very straightforward/good (“good” sounds weird but hopefully you get what I mean) one to have. Good luck!

  18. So what's next?

    I am crying every time I realize that a man who made fun of a disabled person in front of a crowd was just elected president. A man who thinks it is ok to grab p*ssy because he can. Etc etc. But I have also resigned myself that for the electoral college to go rogue would indeed be a very bad precedence.

    So my question to the hive is, do you have any tips as to how to dry my tears? What’s next? Where do we go from here? How do I accept the election results without accepting the person who won?

    Weeping,

    -EM

    • Anonymous

      Volunteer your time to organizations you care about, get involved in your community, donate money to those with greater need, and figure out how you do all the good you can in every way you can for as many people as you can as long as you can.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        And love how your last sentence. After I heard HRC say that at the Convention, I put the quote up in my front porch so I can see if every time I leave the house. It helps just knowing that there are lots of people out there who believe in a life of service to others makes me feel better.

    • Anonymous

      Watch some Tudors or anything about the Wars of the Roses or even Game of Thrones. Realize how lucky we are to live somewhere where peaceful succession didn’t happen and that meant war and death for thousands. Our times are not as bad as the times that were. If most of the globe had a choice, peaceful succession of power would be a major wish that we are historically lucky to have at all, much less for 200+ years.

      • Anonymous

        +1. Let me be clear that I despise president-elect Trump and do not support him. But my family comes from a country in Africa that has a coup d’etat something like nine times in my lifetime (since 1980). My parents and their families had to flee violence as refugees. I was only a baby so I do not remember. As I said I do not like the president-elect at all but I am grateful and thankful to live in a place where elections go peaceful and there is no overthrowing or violence. I feel very fortunate to be an American even after what happened in the election.

      • pockets

        On the same note, countries have had really bad kings (I’m thinking England specifically but I’m sure there are others) and are now functional, even robust, democracies. He’s not going to have as much power as a king, and eventually (hopefully) he’ll be forced to leave office.

        I have a 3 year old daughter who will be 7 if he makes it an entire term, and 11 if he makes it 2 terms. I’m definitely going to need to explain this to her. I’ve already started – “Sometimes the best person isn’t picked because people don’t like the best person for silly reasons” – but I’m really dreading having to actually explain it to her one day.

    • nasty woman

      I’d take a look at the comment threads for the first week or so after the election. A lot of people chimed in with a lot of good ideas on how to get involved, and general commiseration.

    • Alana

      In addition to getting involved, figure out if you need to make any changes in your life to improve emotional functioning — meditation, etc. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, so the resistance needs as many people as possible to be able to contribute. There are so many hats to wear regarding involvement, so figure out which hat you find the most comfortable.

    • Ck

      Donate to the ACLU.

      Volunteer with a group who registers people to vote.

      Go 2020.

  19. Navy suits

    I know that the consensus here is generally that you can wear black and navy together, but tell me I’m not crazy for wearing this outfit: navy suit with light pink shell, navy hose, black leather heels.

    This is my first time wearing navy hose, and it just looks weird to me. Should I switch to black? I have an interview today.

    • Anonymous

      I would feel like navy hose was also weird. Wear the black hose (or nude hose) if it makes you feel better. You still match your shoes. so it still looks intentional.

      • anon

        +1 nude hose. Or sheer black if you really must (please don’t). Definitely not navy.

      • Navy suits

        So the thing is, it’s cold out. Doesn’t nude hose look too much like bare legs to be appropriate when it’s 20 degrees outside?

        Not trying to be contrary or obtuse, just confused. In my industry, women don’t generally wear full suits except for interviews. It’s much more common to wear a sheath dress with a jacket or cardigan; pencil skirt with non-matching jacket or again, a cardigan; etc. And none of my peers wear hose (I’m 27). So that’s why I don’t get how this hose-matching thing works.

        Unfortunately, I don’t own navy hose. Adding that to my Xmas list…

        • CountC

          I have navy hose and it doesn’t match my navy shoes, so I wear black patent. Unless the navy hose matches your other navy exactly, I don’t think it’s all that useful. In re: navy and black, I don’t care for the standard black leather against navy hose, but honestly, if it’s close enough not a ton of people will notice.

          I wear nude hose in the winter because I think it looks better with some outfits. I am not one that thinks black tights go with everything.

    • app

      Yes, I try to have my shoes match my hose, if possible, unless it’s a more casual look. i would do nude hose for an interview, but if not black hose or tights.

    • Scarlett

      I wear navy & black together all the time, but I think the trick is to look intentional so no really dark navy, keep it to lighter navys. I’d also do black tights and not navy hose – that sounds like it would look a bit off/trying to match.

    • Anon

      I don’t think it sounds bad but if it makes you feel more confident switch to nude hose. There’s nothing wrong with wearing them in the winter and it looks more interview ready.

      I pretty much stick to wearing navy in warm weather due to this issue. However I have on occasion worn opaque heathered blue tights with an otherwise navy blue ensemble. But I don’t think it’s an interview look.

    • Em

      Can you wear different shoes? I have a navy skirt that I wear with a white sweater, navy tights,and gray booties.

      I wear navy and black together a lot, but I rarely wear black pumps; I just always think they look severe or dated, or something.

  20. Anon in NYC

    I could use a gift idea for my sister. She lives overseas and will be in town for the holidays. She has a fairly nomadic life at the moment, and she needs to be able to pack it, so it can’t be anything too large. She’s into the outdoors and yoga, she’s pretty liberal and is interested in politics/good news analysis, and she’s frequently cold.

    I was thinking maybe a cute wrap that she can use on the plane would be a good idea, but am looking for other suggestions. Thanks!

    • Mb

      It’s not “fun” so to speak, but I recently got the Eddie Bauer Cirruslite Down Jacket for a great price and I wore it almost every day until it got SUPER cold. It rolls right up into a handy carrying back which can be clipped to her pack or smushed easily into a suitcase. It’s rated for 40 degrees if you are not active and 20 degrees (I think) if you are active. I also think it’s flattering and I love that it has elastic cuffs on the wrist. I am outdoorsy, although am not nomadic, and am always cold – it has been super useful!

    • Anonymous

      I like Smartwool stuff. The super light (NTS) tops are nice – you can wear them as shirts, but they’re also great to wear as a layer for hiking or when it’s cool. Wool in generally is good for travel because it doesn’t get smelly like synthetic fabrics.

    • Anonymous

      As someone who used to be the international nomad, jewelry is a great way to go. You might also do an Amazon gift card. For me, trips home were often also for resupply (undergarments, bikinis, shoes in particular) stops, so she may appreciate the help on funding this.

      To keep in mind about the other suggestions…
      Living abroad you tend to read international or major local news sources, not US news… The Economist might work.
      I had tons of scarves already (you probably know your sister in this)

    • ChiLaw

      It’s probably not a gift on its own, but those battery backup things for phones are such a lifesaver!

  21. Anon

    I’m in ce and the people behind me have been talking for 30 min. I tried the look back at them tactic…nothing. Is it unreasonable to ask then to please stop talking? I’m sure everyone around me is just as annoyed…or maybe not, my husband tells me I’m easily annoyed.

    • lost academic

      Try moving if you haven’t been able to make the talking stop and the instructor hasn’t either. I can’t stop hearing conversations near me in classes or theaters etc either, I seem to focus on the words and can’t pay attention anymore so it drives me nuts. They should STFU but it’s more important for you to get what you need.

    • Emmy See

      If you’re in a lecture, it’s not unreasonable to ask people to stop talking, as long as you’re kind about it. If it’s more of a study hall-type deal, I’d just ask them to talk more quietly.

      • Quick Typing

        I was in a day long ce meeting. Due to injury, I had to type rather than take hand written notes. People complained about the laptop typing noise to the moderator. I was asked to either stop typing or sit in the back of the room.

  22. Anonymous

    I like the Classiques dress much better, and its a fraction of the cost…

    On another note, any suggestions for attending a Greek Orthodox funeral? My coworker’s husband unexpectedly passed, and it will be my first time attending a service at this denomination. Google said they have an open casket, which I’m accustomed to in Roman Catholic churches. Is it appropriate to wear a black pants suit? Its quite cold in my northern clime, but I’ll wear a dress if that’s more appropriate.

    • greek gal here

      Yes, a black pant suit would be appropriate. Greek churches are formal, so you will probably see most Greek women in black skirt separates/dresses, but pants are still acceptable and no one would be upset if you wore them. Greeks mourn together and would likely be so touched that a coworker came. (There is almost certainly a wake the night before that are always well attended by coworkers; if a coworker came to the funeral in the middle of the work day, I would truly be so touched.) It will most likely be open casket and there will be a lot of incense and chanting. There will likely not be a eulogy. Then there will be a short service at the graves!te – it would be perfectly acceptable to switch into appropriate shoes/coat/gloves for that if you attend that as well. There may even be a luncheon afterwards, which you are also welcome (but not required) to attend. Again, there is a togetherness in healing aspect to it and as someone who has seen friends and coworkers show up to a funeral I attended, it is so kind to see. A simple hug or “I’m so sorry for your loss” is all you need to say. Finally, Greeks commemorate deaths at 40 days and then again at the years. No one would expect a coworker to show up for those or comment even, but it would be nice to keep in mind that she may need to leave the office if she is very religious. If you attend the wake, do sign the guest book; she may not remember everyone who came by, but it will be incredibly meaningful to her to see it afterwards. I promise you she will always remember that you came.

      As a general comment as someone who has seen a few unexpected widows of all cultures, I hope your workplace cuts her some slack. She may simultaneously want to get back to normal but also feel so distraught, especially if she was not in charge of finances or the household management.

      Finally, what a kind gesture! I think my generation is a bit squeamish about attending funerals, but I always try to go to at least the wake and the funeral if I can. It is a small gesture that means magnitudes to people when they are in their worst state.

    • Never too many shoes...

      Another (half) Greek here and I totally agree with the above. My prepared for a lot of the service to be in Greek rather than English. Also, if you have a sensitive nose, sit near the back as there is a lot of incense use during funerals.

      • greek gal here

        Yes, you will probably not understand anything being said (it is difficult to suss out even in Greek because of the style of chanting) but if you feel comfortable and would like to participate, most churches will do an “Our Father” in Greek and English. Likewise, if you would like to participate, you can do a cross when others do. Totally up to you. No matter the faith, I always bring tissues because seeing others on their worst days makes me sad, too. One more thing- you will likely be standing a lot so wear the right shoes for you.

    • Edna Mazur

      At the Greek Orthodox funeral I attended everyone filed past the open casket during the ceremony and the family, close friends, and many church members kissed the deceased. Not expected if you are not in those categories. Quietly paying your respects was fine.

  23. Anonymous

    Not sure if this is too late, but could anyone help me brainstorm a casual outfit for pictures? This is for my firm’s new ‘cool’ practice group so no suits – we are supposed to wear jeans. Also some of the pictures will be outside, so it will be cold!!!

  24. No Problem

    Has anyone ever bought furniture from an online retailer like Wayfair or Overstock? Specifically upholstered furniture? I’m looking to buy two armchairs for my new apartment, one for the living room and one for the bedroom. I’m past the point of wanting or needing to buy Ikea, but don’t have a ton of money to spend either…so more of a Value City Furniture budget vs. Arhaus Furniture. I’m seeing some attractive options on Wayfair for good prices, but the problem is that I can’t sit in them to see how they are. They provide detailed measurements for most pieces and some of them have a lot of reviews, but that’s a big (physically, financially) purchase to make online if it doesn’t work out and I have to send it back.

    • Veronica Mars

      I’d look into your favorite furniture brand outlets and call around to see what inventory they have and the shipping cost to another state. I found that I could get some great upholstered chairs for less than half of retail with shipping by going this route. Still more expensive than overstock, but less than retail. I’d also stick with craigslist for furniture buying. Look into local furniture movers, even with that fee it’s often way less expensive. I just got a beautiful leather pottery barn chair for $300.

    • Emmer

      I have but only when there are reviews. If there are no reviews of the product on the site, Google to see if you can find reviews on other sites. I wouldn’t purchase if you can’t find any reviews.

    • Baconpancakes

      We bought dining chairs – pretty good quality for a really good price. But we accidentally ordered the wrong color and had to send them back, and their returns process was TERRIBLE.

    • Walnut

      I’ve purchased furniture from both Wayfair and Overstock. I’ve picked up some nice things, but I have also received tons and tons of duds. I’ve had great luck with both refunding the entire purchase price, but I’m really over the hassle. I’ve had most success ordering from these places if I was able to locate the brand I was purchasing locally and vetting the quality of the product first. That said, 2016 is the end of ordering furniture online for me. The price discount is no longer worth the hassle, broken items, returns, and building everything myself.

      • In House Lobbyist

        I got 2 chairs and a couch from Wayfair. I am very happy with them but they are not my go to furniture that I use everyday. I have had them about a year. Shipping was great. I also go wooden dining room chairs and they are awesome.

    • H

      I’ve bought a few things from both and so far have been pleased. That said, nothing was crazy expensive so it won’t feel like a huge loss if it doesn’t last forever.

    • Anonymous

      I bought a couch from World Market for I think around $800. I LOVE it but I can also tell it’s not the best quality because after a year it’s already sagging a bit where I sit the most. It’s perfect for my apartment, where I plan on staying for 2-3 more years, but I’ll invest in something better when I have a house.

    • AttiredAttorney

      Yes, I furnished most of my place with furniture from Overstock, Wayfair, and Joss and Main. The quality is fine- about on par with World Market but for much less. My biggest tip is check all of those sites for the item you like. I found an upholstered arm chair on Wayfair for $300, which I considered very reasonable, but found the exact same chair on Joss and Main being sold under a different name for $110! Same thing with my kitchen table -$410 on Wayfair, $390 on Overstock. They all use different names, so it pays to check the pictures.

      Also, on returns, while it’s a pain to return if you change your mind or order the wrong color, it’s a breeze if there’s damage. I twice had items be shipped to me somewhat damaged (like, a dime sized nick on the table top, a broken chair leg on a set of two dining room chairs) and both times I was told to keep the damaged item for free and they sent me a new one. Both times I sold the damaged item on Craigslist for at least 50% of what I paid.

  25. Anon

    Relationship question. How do you ladies feel about men spending the night? I’ve been seeing a great man for a few months and everything is good except he will not spend the night. He will come over to my apartment and “hang out”, but he has never slept over. He has some family issues which may be the reason, but I’m getting frustrated because we only spend a few hours together each weekend. We live about an hour away from each other. I don’t think he is seeing anyone else and we discussed that we weren’t. I’m just very annoyed about it. Am I overreacting? Any thoughts?

    • Anon

      Have you slept over at his place? If he’s never stayed at your place and you’ve never stayed over at his place, I’d be suspicious about him seeing someone else. How does he react if you suggest getting together unexpectedly? Like are you ever closer to his end of the city when running an errand and suggest you’ll stop by or meeting up nearby?

      • HSAL

        I’m interested in the answers to those questions too. If you haven’t tried it yet, I suggest trying it. It does seem very shady, but I’ll say that I have a friend who was in a relationship for years and never stayed the night, and it had nothing to do with there being someone else. So it can happen, but I think you need to decide whether it’s important to you. If you want someone who stays the night, and he can’t/won’t, I think you probably need to move on.

    • Anon

      He may have been telling you the truth that he isn’t “seeing anyone else”…but this dude sounds married.

      • Anonymous

        Or something.

        IMO, guys getting some tend to stay around for more.

        If anything, once I made my now DH hashbrowns, bacon, and sunny-side eggs fried in bacon grease. I think after that, he’d stay over just on the off chance I’d cook (never mind the upside of more LGPs).

    • Anonymous

      That is bizarre. I mean I assume you are having LGPs and he just won’t stay over. After a few months? I’d be suspicious he was married or in a long-term relationship.

    • Jitterbug

      A few months in and he isn’t spending the night, and there’s no religious reason? Have you ever crashed at his place? It could be he has a bedtime and/or morning routine he HAS to stick with, or he has intimacy issues, or he’s hiding something from you. At this point, it’s fair to bring this up with him and ask why.

    • Anonymous

      What are the family issues? Does he have kids and need to get home for the babysitter? If he has kids, can’t you just stay at his house or do you want to specifically stay at your apartment?

    • anonforthis

      Can you ask him about it? Honestly, I would have loved to sleep in my own bed when DH and I were in the first few years of our relationship. I sleep better alone and adore morning solitude. I didn’t do it because it would have been weird. (Now I just get up before he does and enjoy my solo coffee and paper.)

    • anon

      I dated a guy like this who had dogs and no one really to take them out. We eventually broke up for other reasons (he just wasn’t ready after his divorce to date someone – 3 years later but to each his own. He’s still not dating anyone two years later). But I would stay there.

      I hate making excuses but would also say maybe sleep apnea machine or something embarrassing he’s not ready to share.

      Idk. It’s like $250 to hire an private investigator. I have done it for friends but never personally. After you confront him I don’t think there’s anything wrong with hiring someone to see if he’s married. He probably wouldn’t ever find out you did and for some reason it seems less crazy than like following him yourself idk.

      • Anonymous

        whut? I don’t think anyone suggested following him. That or getting a private investigator is a bit cray cray. If he never wants her to come to his place and he won’t stay at hers, that’s pretty shady but like just break up with him. Don’t hire an investigator!

      • Sloan Sabbith

        Wha….no, neither following him nor getting a private investigator (?!?!) is a good option here. Ask him. If you feel he’s not being truthful, DTMFA if you want to, but dear GOD, don’t hire someone to *follow him*. That’s creepy. Super creepy. So, so, so, so, so creepy. If one of my DV clients said “I didn’t want to stay over at his house and he asked me if I was married. I wasn’t, so I said no, and then I learned he hired a private investigator to follow me to make sure,” my DV spidey-senses would go on high alert and I’d ask her if she wanted to file for a protection order.

        • Anon

          The most stalking I’ll ever do is internet stalking. ie: Facebook, his company website biography, etc. No wife or kids there.

    • Torin

      You say his family issues “may be” the reason — so have you actually just asked him why he won’t stay the night?

    • anon

      Is he still living at home? Are his parents super up in his business or are they so infirm that he can’t spend the night elsewhere?

    • Anon

      No, I don’t think he’s married. He lives with his mother because his parents recently went through a very, very nasty divorce where his mom was essentially abandoned and the family doesn’t have contact with his father anymore. I didn’t pry for more details though. Now that you are all thinking he’s married…ugh I hope not! My initial concern and frustration stemmed from assuming I was dating an adult who can’t sleep elsewhere because of his conservative mother rather than just doing what he wants.

      • Anonymous

        Did you ask him? “Hey, what’s the deal with never sleeping over? Is it because your mom would disapprove?”

      • Anonymous

        How long have you been together? Have you met his mother? Sounds like you haven’t met her and you have never stayed over at his place. Definitely sounds off. I can see that he wouldn’t want you to stay over in his mom’s house but why wouldn’t he have you over for dinner? Or take you out to brunch with his mom? Has he made Christmas plans with you yet? If he’s unavailable on Christmas eve and Christmas day, that would be a huge red flag for me.

        • Anon

          I disagree with a lot of what you’re insinuating, depending on how long they’ve been dating. I am not quick to introduce my partners to my family and certainly would not want them staying over under a family member’s roof for quite a long time. I also typically do not rearrange my Christmas plans to include a partner unless we’ve been together for a while and are quite serious. Yes, the fact that he’s not ever staying over is a bit weird. But if he lives with his mom, I don’t necessarily think it’s strange that he hasn’t had you over. And if you’ve been together less than a six months (to a year) I wouldn’t fuss about not having met her or Christmas either.

          • Anonymous

            Surprised at this. If you started seeing someone in September, you wouldn’t be like ‘I’m going to church at xyz time on Christmas eve, do you want to come?’ There are so many get togethers with family and friends throughout December (work parties etc), it would feel strange to me to actively avoid bringing someone I’d been dating for months to all events.

          • Anon

            No. Because if I start seeing someone in December my priority at Christmas is still spending time with my family, not them or theirs. And they might have the same feeling and that’s fine with me.

          • Anon

            Sorry, should’ve said September above. My pace has typically been that I don’t do Christmas day or eve with a partner’s family or have them to mine unless we’ve been together about a year.

          • Anonymous

            Absolutely not. My parents have only met two of my boyfriends – in my entire life. Everyone has different timelines and different family dynamics, yours is not necessarily what works for others, neither is mine. I do not think it’s a huge red flag that after three months a person isn’t rushing to have you meet their family. I would be totally overwhelmed by that (especially since that approach by men has led to a gigantic ball of crashing and burning as they got way ahead of themselves).

          • Anon 2:30

            Who referenced spending Christmas with someone they’d seen less than a month? That seems fast.

            I was surprised about only meeting family/doing Christmas activities together with a 6 month to one year minimum. Many couples get engaged after a year, so not sure that waiting a year to meet family at Christmas like mentioned at 2:15 above is very common.

          • Anonymous

            Anon at 3:11 here – she said they had been dating a few months, so September or October would be the beginning of their dating in my mind. That doesn’t even register on my radar as spending the holidays with each other’s family, especially if they have been mini-LD and he’s not even spending the night!

          • Anon

            Anon at 2:30, talk about what’s common and not is really not all that helpful when it comes to relationships. First, I think this depends on how old you are. The older you are, the sooner you are to bring your significant other home to meet your family. Second, I think it depends on when you start dating. If I start dating someone in January, sure, maybe I’ll be thinking about bringing them home for that first Christmas. If I start dating them in September, not so much. We might not even be official by then if I’m only seeing them once a week as the OP in this case is.

          • Anon

            Also not super common to get engaged after a year unless you’re in your late twenties or older.

      • Anon

        We have briefly discussed it and he knows it bothers me, the lack of spending the night. I have not met his family and he has not met mine. He only met my roommate. The whole thing really started to irritate me this weekend when he told me he would not be around for New Year’s Eve because he will be taking his mother to visit family while his brother does his own thing with friends. Even though I hate going out on NYE, it’s still nice to spend it with the person you’re dating. As for Christmas, neither of us are Christian.

        • Torin

          IDK, it sounds like 1) you’re frustrated with not seeing him enough and 2) you’re jealous of the time he spends with his mother. Issue #1 seems legit to me and is something you can definitely discuss with him (and the solution needn’t be that he spends the night at your house), but #2 is not a fight you’re going to win.

          • Anon

            I don’t know if I’m necessarily jealous of the time he spends with his mother, but I think you summed it up quite nicely. Now I have to figure out my next step.

          • Anonymous

            I might reframe #2 as you probably think he is spending too much time with his mother and should be spending more time with you.

            But I agree that is probably not a battle you are going to win, at least not right now after his mother went through a nasty divorce, he lives with her, and she was “abandoned.”

        • Anonymous

          Offer to pick him up at his (his mom’s) house and go for a date in his part of the city. If he’s being shady, he’ll have an excuse to meet you there or suggest a different venue for the date. I get that he doesn’t want you to sleep over, but is he sharing his life with you? Have you gone to his favorite restaurant/theatre/gym/whatever together (bonus shadiness points if you ask him about this and his favorite is close to your place), have you met his friends?.

        • Senior Attorney

          Could this possibly be a case of He’s Just Not That Into You? I feel like if somebody really wants to spend time with you, they will find a way to make it happen.

      • anon

        I’m the anon who asked above if he was living at home. You have to ask for some more information here. I dated a guy who lived with his super conservative parents so I could never visit him at his place, though he would spend the night at mine (and lie to his parents about his whereabouts). We also lived about an hour apart so the burden of traveling always fell on him, which put a strain on our relationship. I ended up leaving the guy because he was pretty inconsiderate and, to a lesser extent, I got tired of hearing him whine about how much he “sacrificed” for our relationship by driving to see me.

        Tell him you’d like to talk about how to spend more time together – that should be a good thing! He can either figure out how to meet that need or he can hem and haw and make excuses about how mommy needs him and that will tell you what you need to know. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong about living with your parents, and my experience didn’t convince me otherwise, but you have to make sure the relationship is meeting your needs first and foremost.

      • Anonymous

        Er, there’s pretty much no reason I’d put up with this. Regardless of reasoning, are you fulfilled and psyched to be dating this guy, or are you wasting your time on utter BS to get the scraps of their affections for a couple of hours once a week? Does it even matter WHY he’s doing this without so much as an explanation? If he was capable of being good in a relationship and giving it his all, he’d be bending over backwards to make sure you were happy with the quality and length of his visits, not leaving you upset and wondering if he has a secret family.

        Have a conversation about it, and be ready to cut your losses. You could be spending your weekends dating other men.

        • Anon

          Yea, I think we will have to have a conversation this weekend. I usually try not to be demanding, but F that at this point. I think I’ve been very understanding up to this point.

          • Anonymous

            I think you may want to reassess the difference between “not being demanding” and “having needs and standards.” I mean this in the nicest way possible as someone who’s been there herself, but do you have a history of poor self esteem? Have you done any self work or therapy in this regard?

          • Anon

            I never thought that I had low self esteem, but I could be wrong. What a terrible Monday!!!

          • Senior Attorney

            Yes, this.

            When I left my husband a few years ago, my biggest dating rule was “I’m not going to chase boys/I’m not going to date anybody who isn’t crazy about me.”

            As I said above, if he really were the right guy, he’d be moving heaven and earth to spend time with you!

  26. Roasting sheet?

    I would like to upgrade my roasting pans – whats a good one that you would recommend? Hoping for easy cleanup

    • Senior Attorney

      It seems like they all get super gunky and hard to clean after a while. Sometimes I’m tempted to just use disposable aluminum ones and recycle them when I’m done…

      • anon anon armani

        This! The only caveat is that I typically put a flat baking tray underneath the foil one to support it when going in/out of the oven … so it might take just a few minutes longer to fully bake.

        The other option is to line the regular roasting pan with the Foil that is anti-stick. Love that stuff. Reynolds in a yellow box.

  27. Infertile Myrtle

    PSA: If you can, freeze your eggs in your 20’s if you’ve ever considered having children and aren’t ready just yet. Even if you’re not sure but would be waiting until mid-30’s, preserve the possibility.

    I had no idea I was running out of time to have kids at 27. There are literally zero outward signs that I won’t be like my sister, mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, who all had kids in their late 30’s and early 40’s . But, because I’m 27, I am not out of options. In my doctor’s words: “I’d take you as a patient 99 times out of 100–or any patient under 30 with her numbers in the toilet, rather than a 35 year old with the best FSH levels around.”

    • anon

      I am going in January to see what my options are at 34. But same family type with no history or issues. Would like to wait maybe 2 years or so.

      • Ugh

        This turns my stomach as someone who is single and 35 having done nothing. I am still dating and trying really hard to find a partner but haven’t bit on freezing eggs (was going to look into it in 2017). I told both my sisters and all my cousins (all in their 20’s). As much as this makes me want to puke, your intent is clearly to get info out there and I appreciate it. I totally procrastinated about it.

    • Wow

      I had always heard by 35 to freeze your eggs. Good to know. I never researched it though. I am early 30s and planned to save for that or a wedding by 35. I will look into it now.

      • Infertile Myrtle

        Just do it. As frustrating and difficult as this process is, I am very grateful I found out now. I was originally quite reticent to start everything due to cost, but in the words of my mother, “You will spend this money and then literally never think about it again.” (Of course, she wasn’t thinking about the $100/month storage fee, but I get her sentiment.)

    • Marshmallow

      Ugh. I’m 29 and H and I are likely going to start trying in six months to a year. He’s now dragging his feet because the state of the world is so awful, maybe we should wait a few years and see. I want to believe I have time to hem and haw a few years…

      • Anonymous

        FWIW, I’m 32 and am seriously considering waiting until 2020 to conceive.

      • Anonymous

        Start trying in a year means you’ll be 31 before you’re pregnant. That gives you time for a second pregnancy before 35 but it’s not like a cliff where fertility drops off magically at 35, it decreases slowly throughout your thirties. So you have time and no reason to panic but you also don’t have years to hem and haw if you want to have the best shot at getting pregnant without interventions.

        My husband was thinking ‘no rush’ after we’d been married for 4 years but when I pointed out that if he wanted the youngest to start kindergarten before he was 40 (his timing thing – no idea why) that we’d have to start asap it was a real eye opener for him.

        • lawsuited

          +1 My spouse was not particularly concerned about what my maternal age during pregnancies would be (although I was!) but he was concerned about paternal age at different milestones in the child’d life – starting school, graduating high school/starting university, having grandchildren, etc. – because he had a picture in his head of how old he wanted to be at those times but not put much thought into how old he wants to be while caring for a newborn.

    • Anonymous

      This is counter to most medical advice. My doctor said there was no need to even consider egg freezing until your 30s, if you have no family history of infertility.

      • Infertile Myrtle

        I don’t know if it’s counter to “most” or not (and it sounds like you don’t either, since you’re reporting what your doctor instructed)–just reporting what my doctor told me. That being said, you could be totally right, but if you have the financial means/good insurance, there’s no downside to getting your hormones tested before you’re 30. It doesn’t take a family history of infertility to be infertile.

        • Anonymous

          There is definitely a downside to making healthy, 20-something women freak out about their fertility unnecessarily.

        • Anonymous

          How much money is your doctor going to make off of 20-something women freezing their eggs?

          Downside to getting your hormones (unnecessarily because there is no indication of infertility) tested is that you are eating up healthcare resources that could be used be put to use on people with identified issues. Downside is driving up insurance costs. Downside is (as stated above) freaking women out unnecessarily.

          • Torin

            “How much money is your doctor going to make off of 20-something women freezing their eggs?”

            This. Freezing your eggs is invasive and extremely expensive. I would be highly suspicious of doctors who push it on women in their 20’s with no history of infertility in their families.

    • Duchess

      Well this is exactly what I want to read before I turn 35 in a few short weeks…

      • Anonymous

        Right? Like screw you smug myrtle. Idk how on earth you thought this was helpful but it wasn’t. Turns out other people telling you what you should have done with your lady parts is never welcome.

          • Anon

            Wow, you guys are pretty terrible yourselves. Maybe this post isn’t meant for you, but it doesn’t mean she was smug or mean or cruel or any other adjectives thrown around here.

            Signed, 34 and infertile but not a jerk (and wish someone had recommended I talk to my doctor at 27!)

    • Anonymous

      PSA. Please don’t. Please don’t think you are being helpful or kind. You aren’t. Egg freezing is prohibitively expensive. You are just making people feel anxious and guilty.

      • Infertile Myrtle

        I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I’ve actually been thinking quite carefully about posting this or not for about a week and finally came to the conclusion that I would’ve wanted to know.

          • Anonymous

            Just because it’s not helpful for you does not mean it was unhelpful. OP wished she knew earlier. There are younger women on the blog as well who might benefit from knowing. If it’s not personally relevant, scroll past.

        • ughghg

          “PSA: If you can, freeze your eggs in your 20’s if you’ve ever considered having children and aren’t ready just yet.”

          Uh… what kind of helpful information do you think you gave us? Gee, pretty sure every professional women in her twenties is aware that she can (nay, MUST!) freeze her eggs if she ever wants her stone-cold uterus to give her children. You told us nothing about your situation, and certainly no information that is generally applicable to others from your experience (note, I am NOT asking for a follow up).

          In the last 3 hours I’ve learned that one of my close friends got engaged and that another distant acquaintance had twins (like I would even care to know… why do friends who have babies feel the need to point out to others that other people had babies, too?). It’d be wonderful to go one whole day without being reminded of how far away these things are for me.

          • Emmer

            Several people in this thread just said that they had been procrastinating on the decision of whether or not to freeze, so I absolutely think this is useful information. If you have issues reading about other people’s life decisions and milestones, I suggest you get counseling.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t have any issues with reading their experiences. I do with them telling me what to do.

          • ughghg

            Emmer, bl*w me. Even if some people were procrastinating on deciding whether to freeze their eggs, I fail to see how OP’s post contained any helpful information. Also, it’s perfectly normal to feel sad if you’re reminded that you don’t have things you want in life- like a relationship or a child. And it’s certainly no fun to be told how to run your reproductive life, especially because you’re “behind.” I spelled that out solely to illustrate why some people aren’t into reading posts like this.

            Would you ever dare to tell a woman who was experiencing infertility that she needs to “get counseling” if she said she felt sad when she saw endless baby pictures reminding her that she can’t get pregnant? No, you would not. Sadness does not equate to “having issues” or being pathological. You’re just being pointlessly cruel.

      • Anonon

        This was a terrible post.

        Signed, 32 and recently discovered to be infertile as all he!!, but you’re the opposite of helpful.

      • Barf

        Yeah I definitely just made my 24 year old sister promise to give me some of her eggs if mine are no good and promptly took a xanax to go back to work. I get OP’s intent is to warn current 20 somethings but damn… I almost puked reading this. Sched my test now.

    • Anonymous

      I’m 32 and married and we’re waiting a few years to TTC because we want to enjoy the DINK lifestyle for a couple more years. If it happens naturally, great; if it doesn’t, we’ll adopt or adapt to a childfree life. I would never consider freezing my eggs, even if I could afford it, and to tell people to do it in their 20s if they plan to “delay” kids until their – gasp!! – early-mid 30s is so absurd.

      • Anonymous

        Why is it absurd? Why shouldn’t women know and utilize the full range of fertility services instead of just treating infertility later on? Adoption is great, but someone might want to experience pregnancy for themselves and this might be important information in preserving that option.

        • Anonymous

          We do know. We ALL know. Anyone who wants this information gets it ALL THE TIME. Stahhhp

        • ughghg

          What information!?!?!?! That sometimes women struggle with fertility and those struggles may increase with age and that egg freezing is a thing we can do? And that getting checked out can let you know if you might have issues? Yeah, we ALL. KNOW. I think that’s the point people are trying to make.

          • Anonymous

            Also it’s just really alarmist. The vast majority of women with no family history of infertility have no problems conceiving naturally in their early-mid 30s. Telling healthy 20 somethings that they should go and get checked out causes people to panic necessarily. Your fertility declines very, very minimally in your late 20s and early 30s. My doc said most women that have issues at 32 would have had the same issue at 25. Age-based fertility problems don’t typically become a factor until later, often much later depending on family history (if your mom got pregnant at 40, there’s a good chance you can do).

          • cbackson

            Yup. I have some not-great hormone levels for conception; my doctor’s told me that given my age and what they are, that I probably was in the same place 3-4 years ago that I am today. And also that in light of my maternal history of late childbearing (mom had me at 35; grandma had mom at 40) that I am likely to be successful in my getting-pregnant efforts.

          • Anonymous

            Pretty sure “we ALL KNOW” is about women who are trying to have a baby in their mid to late thirties.

            When I was in my mid to late twenties, I knew zero women who were discussing whether they should freeze their eggs. We were all too concerned with preventing pregnancy.

    • Wait

      Is your doctor Mindy Kaling? Because I feel like she was just saying that to get her egg freezing business off the ground… Yes that is the extent of my thoughts and opinions about egg freezing.

    • Anonymous

      I’m 26 and want kids, but I just do not see it happening in the next 5-10 years. Biology aside, I’d like to wait until mid 30’s as I am just starting out as a lawyer. Is this something I should talk to my dr about?

      • Anonymous

        Have a conversation with your doctor but also your mom. Maternal history is a key predictor of fertility. e.g. fraternal twins are inherited from mom’s side.

      • Meredith Grey

        This ^^ should’ve been the PSA (if one was warranted at all)… It’s way unnecessary of leap to go from being in 20’s to one must/should freeze eggs.

    • cbackson

      My advice (as someone who is currently in the middle of the process of trying to make single parenthood happen at age 36) is to talk to an actual doctor about this rather than freaking out unnecessarily. I’m 36 and I DON’T have the “best FSH levels around” and my doctor’s not concerned. Fertility is actually a lot more complex than just what those numbers on the page show, and egg freezing is not a magic solution (we don’t have great information on how successful it actually is as a means of preserving fertility).

      • Anonymous

        I hope this doesn’t come across as creepy, but I remember someone posting anonymously here about exploring voluntary single parenthood and for some reason I thought (& was kind of hoping) it might be you. I hope everything goes well for you. Based on your various comments here I think you would be such an awesome mom. :)

        • cbackson

          Awwww, thanks. It was me, and that is so nice to hear. I am going after it – I just know in my heart the time is right – and if it doesn’t happen biologically, I’m confident I’ll get there another way.

          • AttiredAttorney

            I would love to hear more about the process/journey you are taking. Or, even if the Kats could find another woman voluntarily pursuing single parenthood to write a more in depth post about it.

          • OfCounsel

            I posted about this a few months ago, but I had my child through donor insemination as a single mother. I highly recommend the organization Single Mothers by Choice as a resource. Even if there is not an active group in your area, the on-line message boards have some great conversations.

      • January

        This is so nice and sane. I have thought about egg freezing, or even just getting my hormone levels tested, since there is always so much media hype about it, but (1) egg freezing is expensive, and as far as I can tell, pretty far from a guarantee that you’ll be able to use those frozen eggs to have a child down the road, and (2) if I found out today my hormone levels weren’t great, would there really be anything I can do about it? I’m not saying I won’t freeze my eggs, but I do think presenting it as “YOU MUST GO DO THIS THING RIGHT NOW TO SAVE YOUR ALREADY-DECLINING FERTILITY” is… not great.

        • Anonymous

          yeah, because OP definitely phrased it like that….

          Stop with the mob mentality. OP is struggling with infertility and shared information that she wished she knew earlier to try to help others. It was clear neither malicious nor judging anyone else’s personal circumstances.

          • January

            I’m still confused by what the OP actually said. She’s 27 and may or may not be struggling with infertility but recommends freezing your eggs in your 20s because it might help?

            Sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult, just not quite sure where the OP was coming from.

          • Infertile Myrtle

            Anonymous at 3:21 has it right. I have a few eggs left so I’ll try IVF and freeze whatever I can and then probably move on to donor egg or adoption. About a year ago, my two best friends, also under 30, started IVF (with no prior indicator they’d be infertile), and I thought I’d freeze my eggs while I pursued my career. Turns out…not so much. I feel like for whatever reason people are having more trouble getting pregnant, and freezing eggs isn’t discussed enough. Not ideal, not a true insurance policy, etc., but people should know and consider if it’s right. At least have a conversation with your doctor if having children is a priority, but you don’t want to do it for now (which I totally respect, along with not having children at all, or whatever path you pursue, go team).

            I’m sorry this conversation got carried away.

      • shamlet96

        this +10000. I’m 38, have frozen my eggs, and am contemplating freezing again, or possibly embryos with my SO. Egg freezing is a shaky insurance policy at best, but it’s the best option many of us have. My numbers are still good, but the fact that there was a definite decrease from when I was 36 (when I froze my eggs) really was an eye opener. I wish I had paid more attention to this in my late 20s. Then again, I remind myself that I just wasn’t fortunate enough to meet the right guy until later in life, so I try not to blame myself too much for my current predicament. Fertility is a tough issue to navigate, and our society (as shown by this thread) sure doesn’t make it easy on women.

    • Anon for this

      Can you elaborate on your doc’s statement? I’m 35, been trying for a year and recently got great FSH results and my husband got great SA results. Why would your doc not want to deal with us?

    • Anon

      Stop the mob. I can see that OP was trying to be helpful. You’re shooting the messenger because you don’t like the message. That’s on you, not on her. There is nothing wrong with relating a true story.

  28. VKJ

    Please help me shop. I feel like this has been addressed before but can’t find it in the search, so please feel free to point me to a thread instead of answering if you can!

    Are Ugg boots still the gold standard in warm winter boots? I live in a place that is not often snowy or this cold, but it dusted this weekend and the temperature is 9 degrees and I can’t seem to get warm! My family’s asking about my Christmas list and this is one of the only things I can think of. Budget would be about $200. I’d really like black or dark grey and would wear with black or grey jeans or leggings (for the weekend, obviously). I commute by car and park about ten steps away from my office door, so thankfully don’t have to worry about that too much. But extra bonus points for waterproof/traction for visiting cold places.

    TIA! And I know it’s late in the morning, so may repost in afternoon too. Thanks!

    • Emmy See

      I really like Bean Boots, which are seriously waterproof (have to stand in a puddle of slush? no problem) and come with several different options for lining, so you should be able to find something good for your climate. (For northern Indiana, I got the thinsulate and wore fuzzy socks in the snow, but they weren’t too hot to wear earlier in the fall/later in the spring).

    • lawsuited

      I think most women on this s*te abhor Ugg boots, but I wear them and find them very comfortable and warm. They have some styles now that are much more boot-like and less slipper-like, which would be worth a look. I have a few friends who have the Ugg Adirondack and rave about them, but they might be more than you need if you don’t often have snow/ice.

    • Anon

      YES, Uggs are amazing if you’re not dealing with snow but are just generally cold. I think it depends on where you live. I’m in Asia in a very fashion conscious country, and I am surrounded by exactly the outfit you describe… leggings or skinny jeans with black or grey UGGs.

    • In House Lobbyist

      I have fake Uggs that I bought at Payless for $30 and they are super warm. I only wear them on weekends and mostly for errands/over gym pants when its super cold/hanging out with family so I don’t care that they are fake. I also buy them for my 3 year old and she loves that we have the same shoe. Again – I may not be the person you want to take fashion advice from now that I read this however.

  29. The Limited

    I went to the mall this weekend to shop at The Limited. I was surprised to discover that my store had been converted into a Backroom at the Limited at some point in the last year (I don’t shop in stores very often). There were some overlapping item (This top was there and I bought it: http://www.thelimited.com/product/layering-shell/4175639.html) but for the most part the inventory was different than what is currently online but very similar in terms of style and price. The entire store was 70% off. Online now appears to be mostly “lucky sizes only” but that was not my experience in the store. They seemed to have all sizes of pretty much all merchandise, except for the sale racks. All sales are final. My store said they are staying open through mid-January and potentially longer. They said it varies a lot by location.

    • Rumors

      L Brands sold the Limited stores, cut a ton of the staff and moved money away from it. Here in Columbus (HQ to LBrands), we’ve heard they will be bankrupt sooner than later so buy anything that’s left but don’t expect to return it. Sad :(

    • H

      I also went to The Limited this weekend (and purchased the same shell). It was also converted to Backroom sometime within the last year. The ladies working at the store I went to said they hadn’t heard anything about that particular one closing, or the brand shutting down in general. I expected the store to be picked over, but like 1:26 poster’s experience, it was not. And I was the only one in there.

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