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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 306 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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Comments

  1. Senior Attorney

    Reposting from late in the morning thread (thanks, nutella and NYNY, for your responses!):

    Dinner party help, please!

    I invited a bunch of people for dinner next week, and to my surprise they all said yes! I need an easy meal for 14 for a mid-week party. We did a rotisserie turkey for Thanksgiving and it was fairly quick and very delish, so I was thinking about doing that again, but with non-Thanksgiving sides.

    What do you think? Roast turkey, some kind of vegetable, some kind of starch, dessert, and call it a day? Does that work? If not, any other suggestions that won’t have me in the kitchen all night? And any suggestions for easy make-ahead sides?

    Thanks for any suggestions!

    • MJ

      I guess this is sort of Thanksgiving-y, but lately I have been liking roasting one onion, one butternut squash and a whole lotta cranberries (just chop the onion and squash, give a light toss with salt, pepper and olive oil) and roast for ~30-40 mins at 400. Then when it comes out, drizzle a teensy bit of real maple syrup across the top. It’s easy and really wintery and tasty.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      https://smittenkitchen.com/2014/11/crispy-sweet-potato-roast/ – this is so easy and so tasty if you have a food processor. I just have the food processor cut the sweet potato into the circles and then stack it in the pan. I do not make the green stuff for the top. Its a great low key side.

      I would also make a kale salad – which you could make in the morning they last really well.

      I love brussel sprouts and you could cut them up before hand and then quickly broil them.

      That plus dessert sounds good to me. This dessert is so easy and make ahead:
      https://food52.com/recipes/9628-burnt-caramel-pudding

    • Lillers

      I like Sweet Potato Home Au Gratin by Robert Irvine (you can search the G for it). You can also adapt the recipe to a mashed potato recipe for easier prep.

      I love Chick Fil A’s super salad and there are lots of great dupes online.

      For dessert, if you like to bake I came across these Lindt shortbread cookies on the Lindt recipe page. They look delish. If you aren’t a baker, just go buy a few pies and cans of whipped cream. Yum!

    • Meg March

      Sounds like Lovely Husband’s 3-days-notice dinner party lifestyle is wearing off on you :)

      • Senior Attorney

        LOL yeah! Actually he is implicated in this party up to his eyeballs!

    • Anon

      For big groups I like to make Chicken Marbella from the old Silver Palate cookbook. You make it with cut up chicken parts (with skin, on the bone) and you can put it together ahead of time. Just needs a hot oven.

      I’d also do a bunch of rice or really nice baguettes to soak up the sauce, a big Caesar salad (Marie’s creamy Caesar dressing is good) and store bought desserts. An assortment of little individual tarts and cookies will be more popular than anything you can bake

      Put out olives and nuts for people to munch on when they arrive.

      This is all super easy stuff. You’ve got this!

      • Anonymous

        ME TOO. I am making it for 10 people tomorrow night. (making it tonight – serving tomorrow). I use the “whitewater cooks” recipe. SO easy. feels fancier than chicken casserole.

    • Sydney Bristow

      The roast turkey and non-Thanksgiving sides plan sounds great to me.

      If you are looking at another idea altogether, I love making Pioneer Woman’s braised short ribs recipe for dinner parties. It is a lot of work, but you can do it all in advance and then just re-heat it in the oven right before the party. It is actually just as good if not better when reheated. I’ve served it for several parties, including one about the size of yours and it has always gone over really well. My husband is begging me to make it for NYE this year.

    • SF Lawyer

      How about lasagna, giant green salad, and ice cream sundaes for dessert?

    • SF Lawyer

      Oh, how about the pork ragu with pappardelle from Dinner A Love Story? It is super easy, feeds a crowd, and is delicious.

    • Meg

      I think you are already set on turkey, but I would also suggest flank steak-relatively in expensive and so easy but usually impresses people. Two large flank steaks should feed your crowd and they cook in 10 minutes (broiler or grill). Just marinate the steaks overnight.

  2. Anon

    Is it just me or does anyone think that prices of goods — esp clothing — go up a little bit the closer we get to Christmas? I’m noticing stores that did a 50% of everything sale at Thanksgiving/cyber Monday and that entire week are now doing more like 40% off everything. 2 weeks ago I bought a wool coat — $325 regular, got it for $120; now that same coat in that same size and color is available for $150 at the same store. I feel like this happens every year — the best deals of the season are right up front; not to mention, now a lot of popular sizes and colors are gone. I feel like I notice it yearly and when I say it to others, they say I’m crazy. Tends to make sense to me — every retailer needs to make its numbers and not to mention stay competitive with other retailers so they do huge sales up front to drive in traffic/online traffic. But then a few days before Christmas it may switch to — well the people who are buying now REALLY need to buy and don’t have time to comparison shop, I bet they’d pay $30 more for the same coat.

    Anyone notice this? Any retail/marketing/yield management experts here?

    • anotheranon

      Actually, yes. I’ve been stalking a particular ring online and debating whether to buy it for months, and I visited it within the last few days and the price had gone from $145 to $175.

    • Anon

      It’s like airline pricing – it’s demand based. Retailers are getting better at it. Obviously the best deals are after Christmas but the goods can get pretty picked over. Last year I got a bunch of great deals with free overnight shipping just before Christmas, but it’s a gamble.

  3. Partner

    For all the lawyers, this post is not going in ththe direction you probably expect!

    Who uses the word “partner” to describe their boyfriend/husband? If you do, why? If you don’t, what does the word “partner” make you think?

    I commonly refer to my boyfriend as my partner. We’re not married and have no intention to be but own a home together, are planning on starting a family, etc. At a certain point I felt that we had “outgrown” boyfriend and girlfriend. One of my coworkers told me, though, that she assumed I was gay for using the word. I thought we were past that point and that it was used widely as inclusive language (I’m from a large left-leaning city). Interested to hear your thoughts.

    • Torin

      I don’t use the word to describe my SO, but I’ve had Australian friends refer to him that way. I think the assumption that a “partner” is a same-gender romantic partner is an American one. Australians and Brits use it much more commonly to mean “committed but not married romantic partner” in my observation. To me it sounds very clinical, but that may be because I’m a lawyer and I heard it most in that context.

      • Socksberg

        I lived in Australia for a few years and it took me a while to realize that I wasn’t encountering a very large gay community, but that straight people referred to their significant others as partners too. I love the word and wish more people in the US used it. It feels more accurate to my BF and I’s relationship than “boyfriend” which could be anything from we’ve been dating one week to we’ve been together ten years.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I use husband and used boyfriend before that for myself, but I almost always refer to someone else’s significant other as their partner unless I know that they use a different term.

      It crosses my mind that it might indicate s*xual orientation, but I’d probably be just as likely to think it means business partner. I don’t think you can assume anything at this point.

      I’m also in NYC and grew up in a very liberal area of the PNW. There might be regional differences at play here too.

    • Ck

      I also like the word partner, and wish we would get with the times.

      But many times when I have used it, people assumed I was gay.

    • anon

      My now-husband referred to me as his partner before we got married and after he felt we had outgrown the “boyfriend/girlfriend” labels. He would refer to me as such, then introduce me to people who expected me to be a guy. We live in Boston. I kind of like that husband/wife doesn’t draw that kind of attention, but I don’t really care one way or the other. I wouldn’t assume anything based on the term.

    • gingersnap

      Have been married for 5 years, ~1.5 years dating/engaged before that. When talking about my spouse, I usually default to spouse, because it’s no one’s business what gender my spouse is, and it’s a more inclusive word (recent example:”I really enjoy being able to live in the same city as my spouse”). If I’m talking to someone who knows my spouse personally, I use his name (e.g. “[name] and I saw a movie last weekend). If I’m talking about patterns in relationships, or relationships in general, I use partner, because I think people who aren’t married have experiences with a lot of that stuff too (e.g. “I’m so thankful that I have a partner who supports my goals”).

      I like using gender-neutral words for romantic relationships- it’s a small stand against heteronormativity (and similarly, against rigid gender-roles in heterosexual relationships). And maybe it’s also a small way of honoring the fact that if life had gone differently, I could have wound up with a female spouse, but that’s certainly an almost-subconscious afterthought. It’s seen as normal in my circles- most people use similarly inclusive language. But my circles include a lot of feminist/LGBT/public health activists and academics. Conservative evangelical friends and family members don’t seem to react to my use of partner and spouse in conversation, but that might be because they all know my spouse….

    • Anonymous

      When I hear an American use the word partner, I assume they mean business partner or same sex romantic partner. I know that outside the US it’s more common for hetero relationships.

    • Anon

      I use “partner” to refer to my boyfriend of 10+ years. We’ve lived together for 6 years and plan to start a family, but are not married and may or may not get married in the future. Agree that “boyfriend” sounds too juvenile (we’re both in our 30s / working professionals). I don’t care at all if people assume sexual orientation based on my use of the word – if they do, that’s their problem and hopefully my case will serve as a lesson for them not to assume in the future!

    • Jane

      I want partner to mean business partner because when partner is applied to romantic mate, we no longer have a single word term for business partner. But I recognize that ship has sailed. Other than when people are specifically talking about business, I assume they mean romantic mate when they say partner.

      I call my husband my husband and, before that, my boyfriend. When we were not married and dating, the term boyfriend conveyed that idea easily. Once we got married, the term husband does the same. Making the decision to get married was one of the most significant of my life and the husband/wife titles convey the gravity of that undertaking. Terms like partner and significant other don’t carry the same connotations. When discussing my husband to people who don’t know him, I want them to know he’s my husband, not something else. And I’d also like to make the conversation easier for them to know that my romantic mate is a man to whom I’m married. I don’t need to leave people wondering if the other person in my life is a man or woman. While some people may hear that I have a husband and wonder why I was dumb enough to enter into a legal construct from which it’s difficult to remove myself if one or both parties no longer wants to participate, I’m proud of our decision to be married and stay married. So I use the relevant terms.

    • Anon

      When I hear partner I definitely think gay. But as more gay couples tie the knot legally (yay!) I think it will be come less connotative. I’m in San Francisco so that may explain some of my association.

    • techgirl

      I do because I don’t enjoy using the word fiancé as it feels stuffy to me, but boyfriend sounds juvenile and isn’t correct either! Thankfully I can just change to husband next year and not have this first world problem anymore.

      • techgirl

        Oh, or I refer to him as my/the other half.
        Not sure if that’s more common in the UK

    • lawsuited

      I don’t use “partner”, not because of potential same sex partner implications (It doesn’t matter to me if people think I’m gay or straight, and I’ve heard from gay friends that neutralizing gendered terms for marital partners is one way of being an ally) but because in legal circles it can be confused with partner in a law firm. I refer to my husband as my “spouse” instead.

  4. Gift ideas for grandpa?

    The last person on my shopping list is my grandpa, and I need help! He’s in his 80s, most interested in physics/philosophy/religion. He watches all those shows on cable and reads quite a bit too.
    Anyone read or seen anything good lately?

    • Anonymous

      He’d probably like that new series Westworld, if he doesn’t mind mixing SciFi with his philosophy! Not sure if it’s out to buy yet since the first season just wrapped up.
      My favorite philosophy book is The Denial of Death, but that’s maybe too morbid to get someone in his 80s….
      I’m guessing he’s seen that series hosted by Neil Degrasse Tyson already, right?

      • Gift ideas for grandpa?

        Yeah, he’s a big fan of Neil Degrasse Tyson. I’d considered Westworld, but isn’t it kind of violent?

        • Marshmallow

          Yeah it’s very violent and has some onscreen gardening. I wouldn’t give it to my grandparents as a gift (but highly recommend for your own viewing!)

          • Anonymous

            Ha I’m th eone who suggested it and didn’t even think of the gardening and violence. I just thought “TV series! High quality! Philosophy!” It would totally be an awkward gift!!

          • Gift ideas for grandpa?

            I gave him GoT for christmas last year—I’d heard vague things about it but definitely should have tried watching it myself before gifting it!!!

          • numbersmouse

            If you’ve already gotten him the series, how about a boxed set of A Song of Ice and Fire?

        • DG

          NDT is touring after the holidays – I know he’s going to be in my area sometime after Christmas. Maybe check out his lecture tour? Tix for you and grandpa?

      • Gift ideas for grandpa?

        That looks really interesting–I love calligraphy, myself. But where does the science come into it?

        • LondonLeisureYear

          http://www-cs-faculty.stanford.edu/~uno/316.html – maybe this helps explain it? My husband is a programmer and my father is really into religion so my husband found this for my father last year for Christmas and he loved it. I think it was a great way for them to relate to each other but thats all I paid attention….

          • Gift ideas for grandpa?

            Thanks! I think I might see if I can get that and the published lecture notes to go along with it.

    • Jennifer

      Black hole blues was highly recommended to me (a sciency person), and just came out this year I think?

      • Gift ideas for grandpa?

        My mom beat me to the punch on getting him that one, d*rn her!

        • Anon

          Maybe obvious- but if there’s a book I like, I use Amazon to look at “books others bought” or whatever, for ideas, esp when looking for gift books

        • Sydney Bristow

          I keep seeing James Gleick’s Time Travel: A History mentioned on lists that also include Black Hole Blues. I loved Black Hole Blues but haven’t read Time Travel yet.

    • Anonymous

      Would he be interested in books that are about how religion is bunk? Try The God Delusion. I love books about evolution – like the Blind Watchmaker and Why Evolution is True.

    • ArenKay

      Sarah Bakewell’s At the Existentialist Cafe. It’s a really smart, incredibly well-written history of twentieth century existentialism that puts it squarely in its political and religious context. Perfectly pitched for someone who’s interested but doesn’t do this for a living.

  5. Office gift help please!!

    This is my first holiday season in my job and it seems like everyone gives each other gifts – gifting up, down, sideways, every which way. I wasn’t planning on gifting everyone but now I feel bad that I haven’t… What can I do? Two people have already done wine and two people have already done starbucks. And now I’m on a time crunch. Help??

    • app

      how long have you been there? I would keep in line with what they are doing (ie don’t wear plaid if they don’t) so maybe a local lunch spot GC, another coffee spot or donuts, or an amazon gc.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      A bunch of card games:
      -Uno
      -Monopoly Deal
      -Skip-Bo
      -SET
      -a Deck of typical cards

      Everyone gets to pick one out of the hat to play with their family over break

      • Senior Attorney

        Oh, that is such a good idea! I am all about the games these days!

    • P

      Very counter to NGDGTCO…..how about bake a platter of Christmas cookies and leave them in the kitchen, then send a blast email with a note thanking everyone for the wonderful year and wishing them happy holidays? I guess this would work in a smallish office like mine.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re still looking for ideas, one guy in my office gets everyone a small donation to Oxfam or another charity. In my office it goes over really well. If your company has any partnerships with non-profits, that could be a possible (and easy to do last-minute) option.

  6. Lillers

    I have to vent today. I was working in Starbucks early this morning before a client meeting, and I felt so ragey about the shoe disparity between men and women. It was 10 degrees out, and around 75% of the women were wearing heels and no socks (myself included). Obviously there are footwear options for women that you can wear socks with, but I haven’t found anything fashionable that looks nice with my suits that won’t cause the hems to drag on the floor (even worse, in the snow/slush).

    Meanwhile, all the men have on these nice, warm looking shoes. I was silently seething in anger while simultaneously frantically searching the interwebs for stylish warm heels (nada, btw).

    • Anon

      Um – your choice to wear footwear that you can’t wear socks with. Ever heard of boots? Many varieties can be worn with suits. Or – perish the thought – you could wear whatever you want and then change to heels before the meeting?! Dramatic much?

    • Anonymous

      What is wrong with boots? Or hemming your winter pants to a shorter length?

      • Meh

        Hem tape, so you don’t have to have “winter pants” (who has the money for two sets of pants)

        • Anon at 2:21

          Well, there are a lot of fabric types (heavier wools, tweeds) and styles (with heavier linings) that wouldn’t exactly work in summer. So considering that OP is somewhere that is cold enough for snow and slush to be an issue, it shouldn’t be shocking that she wouldn’t wear light summer weight pants in the winter.

    • app

      what about a shootie (shoe bootie)? Covers more of your foot but still the silhouette of a pump. Or a nice pointed toe oxford? I wear stockings or trouser socks with all heels in the winter. Not as warm as men’s socks but better than bare feet. To me anything bare is worse and more noticeable than someone wearing slightly more casual shoes due to cold weather.

      • IP Associate

        +1 Big fan of the shootie. I live in Boston, and the shootie is a huge staple in my winter wardrobe. Not ideal for walking in snow obviously, but for cold days, they are perfect.

    • TO Lawyer

      I wear boots pretty much exclusively from October-March. They work with my work clothes if you choose more sleek styles. I have a couple pairs of black leather booties that look good with skirts and dresses. They would also look good with pants.

      I find this so odd to be honest – where is this coffee shop? I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen anyone in bare feet and heels outside in at least a month.

      • Mindy

        ditto.

        Aquatalia booties (from the rugged street style to “professional” heeled booties)

        If it’s cold out, I am NOT wearing heels.

        • Lilly

          Yes to Aquatalia. Mine have so many years on them that I can’t remember when I bought them. They are some of my most comfortable footwear. The cost of acquisition is high, but averaged out over a number of years it’s not so bad.

    • Lillers

      This was in downtown Indy. I wear tights with my suits (for the extra warmth) but I literally saw ankle pants and flats with no sock, stocking, or hose. Agree with all the posters that boots are the way to go for warmth, but I really haven’t found any that fit my personal style. I have commuting boots for public transit but this scenario didn’t really fit since I was just popping in/out of my car.

      Mostly just irritated that men can wear the same shoes all year round. Sigh.

      • ELS

        Public transit in Indy? When did that happen? (I moved away about 8 years ago and it was woeful then)

        • Lillers

          I don’t live in Indy but was traveling there for work. Agree on the public transit. It may have been part of the reason there were lots of bare feet as people generally just jump in/out of their cars with limited time in the cold. Still baffles me though.

          • K12

            Indy resident here — no real useful public transit to speak of. Most folks who work downtown either live there and can walk or live elsewhere and drive. I mainly stick to boots in the winter (my job is largely business casual/casual) or I suck it up and wear flats, with and without tights depending on the outfit, when I need to be more dressed up. Also, some downtown Indianapolis buildings are connected with a skywalk-type system, so you can go between the capitol building, major hotels, convention center, mall, government center, etc, without going outside.

    • Anon

      What men’s shoes are you talking about – A classic men’s trouser sock with a shoe like a Ferragamo bit loafer a man could wear with a classic wool suit isn’t exactly warm. Are these guys wearing Merrells with suits?

      Also, I’ve never understood why are bare feet with heels is OK in warmer weather – I kinda find it tacky even in warm weather b/c it just means your feet are sweating into your shoes, and your toes are freezing in air conditioning set to keep the men cool. I think it makes women look kinda un-dressed in a way – I don’t find it impressive or authoritative in the business setting.

      • I'm an outlier

        I agree completely.

        It just seems bizarre to have bare women’s legs (only women), in skirts, in high heels… in the workplace.

        You can be chic in pants.

    • P

      I’m in California and it’s not common to wear boots with business attire here. That said I am curious whether any of the responders have found booties or other sock-compatible shoes that don’t have heels. I don’t wear heels but I would loooove to have a warmer foot in the winter.

      • Ms B

        AGL oxfords or loafers; size up a half size if necessary. And there are some Robert Cleregie shoes that might fit the bill, but they are spendy

    • But

      Am I missing something? What about tights and knee highs? If I’m wearing a pant suit any time after September I always wear knee highs, and if I’m wearing a skirt suit I wear tights. Perfectly acceptable with a suit, at least at my NYC big law firm. Also, men’s dress shoes can be incredible uncomfortable, I’ve heard.

    • Hollis

      Franco Sarto Nolans are my go-to shoes with trousers and trouser socks. I love mine. I have feet that are hard to fit (wider at the front, narrow heal), and I wear a wide even though I normally do not get wide shoes.

    • EB0220

      Huh. I thought it was pretty standard to wear flat boots while out and about and only change into the uncomfortable heels at court/office/meeting. I only wear dresses + tights in the winter though so I guess this wouldn’t work with pants.

    • Nikki

      Late reply…I was super skeptical and I HATE the patterns and a lot of the dresses, but I’m not gonna lie, the leggings are the most comfortable thing I own, and I have been wearing them non-stop around my place on my days off since I got them a few weeks ago. With a solid top I don’t feel like I look completely ridiculous, altho I don’t leave the house to go anywhere further than target or to pick up dry cleaning, but they are SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE than my cheap target or walmart hue leggings. Like, the feeling when you get home and you have been busy for weeks and you just don’t want to wear pants anymore? Those are the moments these are MADE for to me.

    • Anonymous

      Oh my gosh this is so funny – I was just thinking about writing a “what the heck is up with all the hype about Lularoe?” post! My first impression of the brand was from a preschool teacher I know who spammed my facebook for weeks on end about her party. She is not exactly what I would call stylish and always has very silly, loud, colorful, overly accessorized (almost garish) outfits going on — and she’s always extremely casual, like sweat suit casual — so my earliest associations with the brand were not what I would call positive. But I keep getting invites to parties — some from much more stylish people in my life, and I’m perplexed about why it’s so popular? Is this the blind leading the blind? Someone who likes it please explain to me why it’s gotten so popular?

      • OP

        If my situation is anything like everyone else’s, maybe its that we don’t have the heart to tell our friends in multi-level marketing schemes that no one wants polyester garish trash clothes? Or maybe its a joke and I’m not in on it? IDK man. At least the Stella and Dot jewelry is passably cute, if not 3x as much for Forever 21 stuff. Sorry I sound so harsh, but its because I can’t bring myself to publicly rain on my sad MLM friend’s parades.

        • GCA

          I hate direct sales/ MLM as much as the next person, but people in my life keep raving about how comfortable Lularoe leggings are. As a non-legging-wearer I’m like…uh, ok.

          But also, this article goes some way towards explaining the explosion of MLM in recent years. That, and the recent news that half of millennials make less than their parents did (while the cost of living has ballooned). http://www.vox.com/2016/5/12/11577466/multilevel-marketing I have nothing but empathy for women who have to feel this way. The ones shilling Lularoe around me are SAHMs, kindergarten teachers, and other people whose income doesn’t keep up with their entirely average costs of living. (COUGH, DAYCARE.)

          • Anonymous

            Kindergarten teachers who need the extra income maybe I have some sympathy for. But SAHMs can get a real, outside-the-home job (and they’re also not paying for daycare). They’re doing this because they want to be smug and be all “look at me! I earn income but I’m also home all day with my kids not – gasp! – giving them to someone else to raise.” They are not doing this to put food on the table. I have zero sympathy for that.

          • GCA

            Really? Mommy wars? Here?

            Only they know why they’re really doing it. And perhaps you’ve noticed working outside the home often entails paying for childcare.

          • Tired Squared

            I’m not a leggings person either, but an old friend started selling LuLaRoe and I bought a pair when she was getting started. They’re now my favorite favorite of pants (lounging in my house, not in public – I am firmly in the Leggings-Are-Not-Pants- camp.)

    • MargaretO

      It looks like toddler clothing in adult sizes. And MLMs make everyone involved look super foolish.

      • Senior Attorney

        OMG I had never heard of this brand but there is nothing about their web site that I don’t find utterly horrifying…

    • Anonymous

      So, so ugly. Those leggings that everyone is obsessed with are fugly and you can get a cuter version of the same look at Target or Old Navy for way less money.

      • CPA Lady

        Or Walmart! My aunt got me some leggings from Walmart and they are probably the best cotton leggings I have ever owned. Thick, soft, lovely, don’t bag in the knees. They’re a wacky pattern, which is why she bought them– she thought they looked hilarious. I don’t wear them out of the house, but they are wonderful. Would not spend lularoe $$ for something like that.

    • BeenThatGuy

      +1000 to this post. I call them the “mom’s who have completely given up” legging. Have you seen the shirts and dresses? Ugh!

    • LHW

      This can’t be real. I totally agree, “mom’s who have completely given up”.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Someone keeps adding me to her “online party” thing on Facebook. It isn’t even an invite. I just keep ending up in the group and then leaving. Luckily it hasn’t happened for over a week now, but if it happens again she is getting a “dude, stop adding me to that group!” message. I am actually interested in 95% of her regular facebook posts so I’m saving unfollowing her as a last resort.

      But really, why does Facebook allow you to be added to a group instead of just being invited?

      • Torin

        Related: I’m friendly with and friends on facebook with some local yoga instructors who keep adding me to their groups for the latest crystal workshop (or similar woo) they’re doing. I like these people or I wouldn’t be friends with them and don’t want to hurt their feelings, but I just really do not have any interest and find the constant group alerts annoying. Do you just leave the group when people add you like this? Or do you say something before you leave?

        • Anonymous

          I mute the groups so I’m technically still in it but I don’t get any notifications about it.

        • Sydney Bristow

          I just leave the group. This Lularoe thing is the only one that I’ve been continually added back into. Nobody has said anything about me leaving other groups.

    • Anonymous

      Agreed — My SIL was trying to get me into it and a) I can’t wear leggings and a baggy shirt for 90% of my life — I have to go to work, outside of the home and b) it’s so expensive for what it is!! $6o for leggings and a shirt?? are you insane?? People may disagree, but I’m almost 30 and I think I’m a little too old for leggings all weekend long.

      • CMT

        I’m also almost 30, but I’ll for sure wear leggings all weekend long, especially if I’m not leaving the house. And sometimes even if I do leave the house.

      • Anon

        I’m in leggings right now. I’m 51. But I wear them in place of tights on the weekends. Not as pants. I also have on a skirt.

        However, black leggings only. I don’t know what this craptastic sounding line of clothing is but I’m glad I haven’t been approached by any of my friends to buy it.

      • Anonymous

        One of my colleagues wears these dresses… to court. It kills me every time.

    • EB0220

      Thank you. When I heard about how comfortable they supposedly are I thought about buying a black pair. But, no, they only have those ridiculous patterns. For lounge wear, I’ll stick with the fleecy green leggings that I bought for my ninja turtles Halloween costume last year.

  8. Anonymous

    I had an appointment with Trunk Club, and I have to say, I was SO disappointed. The prices are high for me but I decided I’d happily buy a few pieces over a few months if it helped me bring my style up a couple of notches. The stylist was nice enough, but she didn’t seem to even try to choose things based on what would be flattering for my body type or coloring, and very little of it had anything to do with the look I was going for, which I said should be tailored and on the business end of business casual. There were $300 baggy beige sweaters, $50 plain grey t-shirts, absurdly expensive “joggers”, a dress with a gigantic peplum when I’m bottom-heavy, a shapeless lace minidress. The trunk she put together was more of the same and I rejected it.

    Has anyone had a good experience with them? I feel rude asking for another stylist.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’ve had a good experience and my husband has had a spectacular experience with a stylist who listens and sends him exactly perfect things (great for his wardrobe, maybe notsomuch for the budget LOL). I think it is perfectly fine to ask for another stylist. If you are in Los Angeles, he uses Isabel and I used Kelsey.

      • Senior Attorney

        Coming back to say one of the things I liked about Kelsey is she included some lower-priced items (e.g. $100-ish Hinge shoes) along with the fabulous but super pricey items like DVF trousers.

    • Anon

      I’ve hadn’t great experiences but I’m mail order only. I don’t live near one of their showrooms. And yes you can ask for a new stylist. You are the boss of your wallet. Mine is Jade and she’s been great. She really listened to me.

  9. Seeking sturdy shoes

    While we’re talking about shoes – what to get an older woman struggling with stability issues, but who has spent the last decade seeking out uggs and other no support and/or soft sole options? I’m trying to find something sturdy but not terrible looking. Danskos seem like an option but I remember them being terribly heavy. Any recs?

    • Anonymous

      LL Bean suede mary janes? They look like some sort of Keen shoe. Ugly as F, but I have a pair (that I wear with different insoles for my freakishly high arches) and they are soooo comfortable. Cannot part with them for comething cuter.

    • TorontoNewbie

      My mother (similar situation) loves her Blundstones. Might be too heavy though.

    • Anon

      My mom wears SAS clogs. I think they’re ugly and they won’t work if your friend is super stylish but they really help my mom. She has major stability issues.

      She also likes birkenstock arizonas in the summer.

      • Anon

        I should add that you should really look to slip-on styles only for this group, unless you know your friend is agile enough &a motivated enough to bend over and tie/zip/buckle shoes.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      Does the person have inserts? They can help with stability. But a lot of shoes fit differently once the inserts are added inside…just something to consider.

    • Anonymous

      I’m in love with my Arche booties, which I wear almost every working day of the winter. They are pricey, but I got mine from a discount site (I think 6 pm). I don’t have stability issues, but they are just super comfy and well made.

      • Anon

        Please read the reviews on amazon or zappos. I love the idea of vionics but they are instant heel blisters for me, and the reviewers

  10. online masters degree

    Looking for some way to kindly suggest (in a conclusive way) that borrowing $ for a 100% online masters degree in “nonprofit leadership” is a waste of $ and time.

    • TorontoNewbie

      … why be kind? This seems like a situation where bluntness is probably your friend. If someone is making a terrible decision, tell them.

      • TorontoNewbie

        Assuming it’s an area you have some knowledge of / it’s the University of Phoenix or somewhere equally sketchy. If it’s a reputable university and a masters degree would help them, it may not be a total waste of time.

        If the goal is being constructive, then give them some options for what they can also do. If they want to improve in that sphere, what’s the best solution. A degree (on or offline) from a better university?

      • online masters degree

        I think in the past she enjoyed being in school, so just wants to cocoon back to that. It may feel like progress on the what-to-do-with-myself front (and nonprofits are good guys! Who doesn’t like them? this makes me a good person), but I swear it isn’t. A lot of people are good at school or find it enjoyable.

        That is 100% completely different than supporting yourself (which may or may not be different than working in a field you enjoy). I think it just kicks the can down the road, except for the time/$ you lose by doing it.

        • Wildkitten

          Did she just come off a campaign? If so, radical empathy is your friend, not blunt nothing-will-work-out-ever.

    • online masters degree

      I think it’s from HerState State U and she’s looking online b/c she is divorced with kids and now needs to think about starting to work.

      I think it’s very passive to expect an online degree to do any sort of heavy lifting with re-entering the job market after a decade as a SAHM (networking / volunteering / anything else would probably be better) and switching careers (from primary school teacher).

      IMO, many nonprofit workers maybe just have a BA. The leaders may have an MBA at the very large nonprofits. No one is likely to get hired into “leadership” based on an online masters if that person has zero prior non-leadership work experience.

      Going into debt for an un-needed degree is always bad. And the ROI here may be a net negative.

      • Torin

        Ask her what the job placement statistics are for this particular online degree? If they’re really that bad, the stats will do the talking for you.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I have a friend who was looking into doing something similar with what I’m 95% sure was a very poor choice for what she wanted to get into and would have had to borrow every penny. I recommended trying to talk with people who do what she ultimately wants to do and to ask about their path of getting there. Or even just going on linkedin and seeing the educational and work backgrounds of people with the type of job she wants.

        I also gave her advice on looking for every possible scholarship if she did decide to purse the degree so that she wouldn’t have to borrow as much money. She knows I have crazy law school debt that I find difficult to deal with so I think she does trust my opinion on that topic at least.

      • Wildkitten

        Agree with Ms. Bristow that she should apply for all the scholarships.

        I also think grad school can be a good way to “start over” and so might make (uniquely) sense as a SAHM/career switch.

    • Lillers

      You’re a good friend for trying to steer her in the right direction. Maybe you could suggest some alternatives for her? I think a big part of business school for many people is the networking opportunity and she would miss out on that with a 100% online program.

      • online masters degree

        It’s not even a business degree. It’s a degree in leadership (whatever that is).

        For all I know, it is setting up 403b programs and getting W-9s and budgeting. But that’s not something you need a degree for. You need a job.

  11. Avoiding dance drama

    A 2017 goal is to improve my skills in ballroom dance. Last week a leader asked me if I want to be his practice partner, and I want to say yes because he is 1. very good and 2. consistent practice will help me improve. The wrinkle is that he has recently broke up with his main practice partner. I am not very close friends with his former partner, but she seems like a very nice person, I like her based on our chats, and we do text once in a blue moon. She was bummed that the partnership didn’t work out and has told me so.

    So my question is: how do I tell her in a low-key but respectful manner that I’m going to be practicing with this new leader now? I feel like I should give her a heads-up – it’s a small enough community that she will know, and in any case letting her know from me seems like the right thing to do. A couple more points: I do not believe he broke up with her for me, he has other practice partners, and there’s nothing romantic in any scenario between anyone.

    • Senior Attorney

      “Hey, just thought I’d give you a heads up that Leader asked me to practice with him. Wanted you to hear it from me! Happy holidays and let’s do coffee soon — you free next Monday?”

    • Anonymous

      I think you are making this into too big a deal. Next time you happen to chat with her or see her, mention that you’ve been practicing with him.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t give her a heads up! Just making drama. Assume she’s going to be an adult about it.

    • Go fran go!

      Do it, Fran! Be his practice partner and dance your own steps at the Pan Pacific Grand Prix!

      (I’ve seen Strictly Ballroom too many times…)

  12. Anon

    I can use some advice. I was recently offered a job I’ve been seeking out for a long time. I would undoubtedly accept this new position except that I just found out I am pregnant. If I stay at my current job, I will get protected and paid leave for 6 months. If I take the new job, I will only 4 months leave that is unpaid. Setting the paid/unpaid leave issue aside, there’s also time off for doctor’s appointments and things of that nature that my current job would give me the flexibility for whereas I may not have that at the new job. On the other hand, this new job is something I’ve been waiting a long time for and the opportunity may not come around again. What should I do? Should I take the new job? If I take the new job, should I give them a heads up that I am expecting?

    • Anon

      In your situation I would turn it down and explain why. Perhaps they will offer to match your leave and then you can take it. Either way make sure you let them know how disappointed you are because you are really interested in the job.

    • AZCPA

      I wouldn’t turn it down – talk first. Explain the situation. If they want you, they may absolutely match or come close to the flexbility and leave in your current position.

      • Anonymous

        Wow, really? I’m pro-choice, but no where in her post did she indicate she wanted an abortion, it’s a bit much to suggest that.

        I’d try to negotiate, if they can’t do it, I’d consider whether I could just make it work for the 4 months unpaid.

      • Maizie

        Waaaayyy too harsh here. If OP is savvy enough to read this s i t e she’s also aware of all possible reproductive choices. Give her credit for owning her pregnancy decision even if you would choose differently.

    • Actuary

      Given that this is a unicorn opportunity that may take years to come around again and if you can financially survive for 4 months unpaid, I would take the new job. I’m assuming that the new role offers some sort of pay bump / better career opportunities / better mental health that would overrule the short term financial sacrifice. I’ll caveat that I’m not sure what value “protected” has here so maybe that should factor?

      I’d probably give them a heads up when you’ve accepted the offer (or maybe even wait a bit if you won’t be showing for a while). Others raise a good point about negotiating; I personally wouldn’t but that’s more my comfort level.

    • Anon

      I’m 5 months in to the unicorn job I accepted during my first trimester. I told them I was pregnant after offer but before acceptance. I would definitely let them know just to gauge their reaction. If they respond any way other than “congratulations, no problem” you may want to consider staying. As I get closer to leave I *occasionally* wish I would have stayed at the last job (I was happy there– it just wasn’t the unicorn), because I could demand the leave I want and they’d have to deal. However, I still think I made the best move long term. Leave is a big deal, that gets bigger the closer you get to d-day, but consider the big picture. When the baby is two what do you hope you did? What is the better opportunity long term? Good luck! It’s hard enough making big decisions without pregnancy hormones.

      • Monte

        I agree with this. I work at a job that a lot of people consider the unicorn job, which means a lot of people take themselves and the job very seriously. Which also means that the women who have joined the firm recently and taken maternity leave soon thereafter have taken hits to their reputations. My colleagues generally expect everyone to delay life a few years after joining, even if we all understand intellectually that much of life cannot be planned.

        I am certain these reputations will rebound over time, but people won’t trust their judgment or dedication for a while. It makes sense to understand whether that is the sort of place you are heading.

    • Anonymous

      One more consideration – miscarriage is pretty common in the first trimester. How would you feel if you turned down the job and then lost the baby?

  13. anon

    Recommendations for a really nice cashmere throw/wrap that I can use as a wrap but also as an airplane blanket when necessary?

    • Anon

      I like the tissue weight cashmere wrap from Nordstrom because I can smush it into my carry on very easily when I don’t need it.

      But they do make thicker ones if that suits. I have one of the knit ones on my wish list.

      Basically, Nordstrom, their own brand. You can’t go wrong.

    • Mindy

      Hermes makes great ones.

      I’m eyeing the Cuyana versions (both the thick and thin versions) for this purpose as well.

      I got the Nordstrom tissue weight cashmere but it shreds… I’m so mad I spent $60 on it.

    • Ck

      Garnet Hill

      Talbots

      It has come up over the last couple weeks on this website as good gifts for close female family members.

    • Ms B

      I have a large size Burberry cashmere blend wrap in the traditional check and a camel Burberry signature fringed wrap from a couple seasons ago that I use for exactly this purpose. I have had good luck buying these kinds of things for a decent price on eBay in January (after the holiday season).

      • Anonymous

        Be careful with eBay – almost all Burberry scarves you see will be fakes, especially anything at a good price.

  14. Anon

    TMI question. I had general anaesthesia yesterday afternoon and today my pee smells awful. Just very strong smelling. Normal?

    (I had a lymph node biopsy and am waiting for results, so I know I have bigger fish to fry but it feels easier to think about pee.)

    • BeenThatGuy

      Totally normal. Drink water and if it doesn’t get better, call the doctor and mention it.

    • Anonymous

      Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer to your question, but I am insanely jealous that you were put under General for this. I had local, which has no effect on me, which I always tell them. The procedure was incredibly painful, and I’ve had many surgeries and have a high tolerance for pain. If I ever have to have this done again I will insist on general.

      • Anon

        Yeah they didn’t use general for needle biopsies like in my liver (yowza did that hurt) but this was to get at lymphnodes in my chest so they had to go down my windpipe and general was the only way.

        If it makes you feel better I feel like hell today! I felt much better after the local+ light sedation stuff.

        • CountC

          Oh no! I hope you feel better today. My biopsy was in my neck and it was TERRIBLE. I was shaking and crying – totally unexpected. After three shots of the local, he wouldn’t give me anymore. I felt every dig with the needle, all three times they went in.

          Yours was definitely more invasive with the windpipe access. I hope the results come back benign!

          I was on my phone earlier, but the local anon was me :)

    • Ck

      Did they place a catheter during your procedure? If so, possibly a UTI.

      Drink a lot. Give it a day. If still smelly, buy Azo test strips at Walgreens, and call your doc if positive.

  15. Nail Biter

    The thread this morning on New Years grooming resolutions had a lot of mentions about nails. I have bitten my nails since I was a kid (I’m mid 30s now). I feel like I’ve gone through the usual suspects – I am undeterred by the bitter polish, I peel off gel polish, I break off acrylics. I’ve gone through some not so usual suspects – hypnosis “worked” for a year and then I was back at it. Every year I get more and more agressive and my thumbnails are especially deformed these days. Pretty much the only success I’ve had is making sure I do not bite in front of people, especially at work. They look terrible and they hurt, but I continue anyway. It’s like an addiction, I think – if I manage to hold off for a day or week or whatever, when I resume, I swear I feel the shot of endorphins. Curious if anyone has any suggestions for how to try to mitigate this, or ways to reframe things that might make for a new way of approaching the issue in my head?

    • Anonymous.

      I’m also trying to break this decades-long habit. For me, I find it helpful to keep my cuticles moisturized so I am not tempted to pick, bring nail clippers to cut hangnails rather than pull them out, and keep my nails perfectly polished (which can mean painting them once every few days) so I’m not tempted to pick at the chipped polish. It’s a freaking struggle though. Just wanted to say I feel your pain. I hope you find something that helps.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I haven’t completely broken the habit but have cut back significantly. I agree with a lot of the suggestions here.

        The one I don’t do is polish. I find that I pick at it even if it is perfect. I keep ruining it.

        The other thing that I’d suggest is that I’ve found cleaning underneath my nails, a quick file or buff of each nail, and moisturizer every night seems to help. If I do that consistently for awhile I seem to be better able to stop biting and my nails can start to grow out some. I can cut back on the nightly thing after awhile but need to go back to it if I catch myself biting my nails again.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      Find a behavior analyst to write you a behavior plan.

      An idea:
      1) I would start by seeing when you are doing it. Do you do it when you are just sitting by yourself? Watching TV? All day long? In the bathroom? Record and see when you do it the most.

      2) Then lets say its when you watch TV. Put on gloves? keep your hands busy with knitting. Keep your hands in your sweatshirt pocket. Nibble on carrots. See what distracts you.

      Other ideas:
      Does chewing gum reduce the rate you chew on your finger nails?
      Sounds like you are embarrassed about doing it in front of co-workers? Would creating an anonymous instragram account and posting pictures of your nails every day be enough social pressure to keep you from doing it?

      • Nail Biter

        OP here – great food for thought, thanks! Pretty much sitting in front of a screen is my downfall, which does and doesn’t help narrow it down because I sit in front of the computer all day for work, watch an hour or two of TV in the evenings, etc. In the past I have explored both boredom as a trigger and anxiety as an underlying cause, haven’t cracked the actual “quitting code”. . .

    • LHW

      Me too. I haven’t bitten my nails for 3 weeks (huge for me) and they’re getting a little long and it’s starting to get tempting. I am going to get a manicure this weekend and have them filed down.

      I think a realistic goal is to stop biting but keep my nails very short.

    • Mindy

      I do a mix of polish ALL THE TIME and gorgeous ring…although last month stress did me in and has trumped my nail preservation that I had going for a year.

    • Anon

      My then-fiance confessed to me that he found it really gross when I bit my nails. I was mortified and was finally able to kick the habit.

      What has also helped me is keeping my nails pretty short. I find that if they get long, I get really annoyed with them and are more likely to bite/pick at them. I also carry a nail file/nail clipper with me so that if a nail breaks or otherwise starts to bug me, I can take care of it right away.

      • Nail Biter

        OP again – this sounds so reasonable to me, but I bite them so aggressively that they never get anywhere close to long. I bite even when there’s nothing “extra” to bite, unfortunately.

        • Anon

          Oh man, that sounds rough. I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time figuring out a way to stop.

          If you want to stop something that is causing you harm (you said that it hurts) but you do it anyway, that sounds pretty addiction-like to me. Maybe look into addiction-focused therapy?

    • Nail Help

      Life long nailbiter until about a year ago here….tried all the same things as you did….2 things eventually worked for me 1.) I would pick one finger (ie pinky) and I wasn’t allowed to bite that one say for a week and then I would move onto the next one so they would gradually all grow. 2.) once my nails weren’t so terrible but not long either i went and got a manicure and found that if they were “done” i wouldn’t mess with them. Now I do what they call next gen or dipping which makes me not mess with them..the powder is really strong so I can’t even bit it off if i wanted to. I do still pick at them sometimes but the habit has gotten so much better and as a bonus i get compliments all the time on how nice my nails look

    • Anonymous

      Keep them short and filed – crystal nail files are really nice. You want your nails to be smooth, short, and unobtrusive so that you never think about them.

  16. School acceptance

    Is it really a common thing to be rejected from universities? I got into every school I applied to, all of them were within the top 50 globally (none ivy though). I just figured that schools accepted competent and intelligent students, the end. I didn’t realize it was a common thing to be rejected. Do people just aim too high?

    • Anon

      Um – yes? If you look at the ivys — the acceptance rate is under 10%, usually in the 5-8% range, so yeah — 92-95% of people applying are being rejected.

    • Anonymous

      Um, what? Is this the snottiest humblebrag ever? 1- plenty of schools have a sub-20% acceptance rate, so yes, being rejected is “a thing.” 2- plenty of people apply to schools, knowing there is only a chance of being accepted.

    • January

      Well, I think some of the Ivy League schools and Stanford have a lower than <10% acceptance rate, so I would say yes, it's quite common to be rejected from (some) universities, even if one is a competent and intelligent student with a sterling resume. I'm sort of puzzled by your question – did I misunderstand you?

      • Ellen

        Yes, January is right. I did NOT get into alot of school’s, even though Dad went there and was a guest profesor there a few year’s ago. I was told to reach for the Star’s, but dad did NOT do anything to try and infleunce the school’s to get me in, so I did NOT, but wound up at GW and loved it. So the lesson is, do NOT worry if you do NOT get into MIT or Stanford or whatever, and make freind’s at your school who you will have forever. I say FOOEY on peeople who are snob’s. We can NOT all be MENSAs, but we are still good peeople as long as we open our heart’s to the less fortunate. All of us need to Keep this in mind this holiday season. YAY!!!

    • Anonymous.

      If you got accepted to every university you applied to, you didn’t dream big enough.

      • nutella

        Good point. Our college counselors had us apply to safety/target/reach schools with the idea that you may get into some but not all of your reach schools. A state school may be your reach but due to limited number of spots and the volume of students that apply to Ivies, though, every Ivy is a reach school to every applicant, because the data bears out with 8% acceptance rate that there aren’t enough spots to go around, even for the valedictorians.

    • anon

      I got in to every school I applied to, and I applied to every Ivy but one. Same thing for grad school. But I believe that’s extremely rare.

    • Anon

      “I’m perfect but just wanted to seek opinions to make sure you all agree.”

    • Anon

      You can’t be serious. But in case you are, I was the salutatorian of my extremely academically rigorous college prep high school, excelled in a sport (like, could have gone pro), and was involved in community service activities. I got a perfect score on the verbal section of the SAT and a high score on the math. I didn’t get into any of he Ivies that I applied to, and I was waitlisted at 2 other top 10 schools. I went to a top 25 school, but it was nowhere near as prestigious as where I thought I’d go.

      • Anon

        Forgot to mention – no, the issue isn’t that kids are aiming too high. The issue is that there are many more qualified applicants than there are spots at these schools.

    • School acceptance

      To clarify… No not a humble brag. All my high-school friends all got into their top schools too. Only one of my friends went to an ivy, but all the rest went to internationally renowned schools. I didnt aim for an ivy because they are notorious for making “arm chair academics” in my particular field and I wasn’t aiming for that career trajectory. I guess given my peers I didn’t realize the wide spread rejection.

        • Eyeroll

          It’s a straight-up BRAG.

          ~Lowly Public U Peon (who only got into one school but who makes six figs)

      • January

        I’m still confused that you’re asking this, so two questions: how old are you, and are you in the U.S.? It would be unusual, I think, for an 18-year-old American (even one hoping to go to Harvard or its ilk) to reject the Ivies because they produce “arm chair academics” in their field. (I mean, I’m 32 and I don’t know what an “arm chair academic” is. Also, I did not know what my field would be when I was 18).

        • Anonymous

          Yeah. Troll harder, School Acceptance. You’re clearly not excelling in that field.

    • Anonymous

      I just want to say that normally I’m really annoyed when people respond to the OP with insults or judgment – I don’t understand why people always have to be so mean. But in this case, the question from the OP is completely ridiculous.

      Sorry, OP, but you definitely needed this dose of reality, even if it meant your feelings had to get hurt in the process. You are not going to be successful in life no matter how awesome the degree/university if you sound this out of touch and elitist with any frequency.

    • Anonymous

      MIT, Stanford and many of the Ivies accept 6-8% of applicants so yes most people get rejected and the vast majority of those are very good students with excellent grades, test scores and extracurriculars. In fact I would say it’s not people aiming too high – rather, you didn’t aim high enough if you got in everywhere.

    • bridget

      This demonstrates a fantastic ignorance of American (at least) higher ed application procedures.

      My alma mater gets dozens of applications for every seat. They do an analysis to determine if the student meets minimum standards, and then a second round to determine if the student is recommended for admission (ie has the grades, test scores, ans extracurricular activities that are in line with the students who attend). Of the students who are recommended for admission, approximately 3/4ths are rejected because there simply is not enough space for all of the qualified students who want to attend.

      And I’ll bite: top 50 globally? I did a quick google search and (not knocking anyone’s universities), but that includes – by one list – UCSD, University of Washington, UC San Francisco, University of Wisconsin, and University of Illinois.

      Those are places where a student can get a fantastic education, choose from a breadth and depth of classes that are unparalleled, and be at a renowned research university. But admission to those schools cannot be, on any level whatsoever, compared to Ivies and little Ivies.

      • Ugh....

        +1

        I’m surprised you guys fell so hard for this troll.

        I have a bunch of degrees from the top places. Like #1/2/3. I’m smart, but I also really knew how to play the game.

        Sounds like the OP wasn’t that smart or didn’t know how to play, or she would have applied to the Ivys. I’m pretty amused by her rationalization for not applying there, which displays much ignorance.

        I meet entitled folks like this at stuffy dinner parties, which I try to avoid. It’s usually men though, and I’ve become quite good at putting them in their place. My boyfriend loves it when I do it, but it isn’t very satisfying. Usually…

        Otherwise, I never tell anyone my CV except my employer. BIG sign of insecurity for those like the OP who bring it up.

        • bridget

          I know plenty of brilliant people who didn’t apply to any of the 8 Ivies, but they all went for places like Chicago or Pomona or Duke (or at least applied there)…

          ..where the above analysis still applies.

  17. Cat

    Can someone help me figure out what to get my assistant? No longer in BigLaw so cash isn’t common as a gift, and the budget has dropped considerably, to more like $25.

    She’s in her 50’s and incredibly, willfully, incompetent.

    • Anonymous

      I’d probably go for prosecco or cava. Maybe in a couple of champagne flutes from Home Goods or equivalent.

    • cbackson

      A card and whatever not-expensive large scented candle in a faux-sophisticated scent is on sale at TJ Maxx next time you’re there. That’s all “incredibly, willfully, incompetent” merits in my view.

    • Noooooo

      Not getting my similarly situated assistant anything. She doesn’t do anything for me and makes my life a thousand times harder.

    • Cat

      Thanks ladies. I suspect a TJmaxx visit is in order. I can’t get her nothing or she may well actively sabotage me as opposed to just being unhelpful in every possible way… Lovely woman really.

      • Noooooo

        This made me laugh out loud. Sorry. But at least my assistant is only lazy, not vindictive- I don’t think sabotage is something she would have the motivation (or, quite frankly, intelligence) to do. She just makes my life much harder when she’s there (which is not often.)

        I agree with the candle idea.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      Someone recommended the book here Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House Cheryl Mendelson Its great if you want to deep dive into how to properly clean things. Its not a quick read though. Its massive. But I really like her style.

    • BB

      I do not have it but I have heard Martha Stewart’s book is good. I like Jolie Kerr’s blog posts, but her book seems more esoteric and not so much a general guide.

    • Senior Attorney

      It’s very very old but I learned how to clean from Speed Cleaning by Jeff Campbell. I just googled and it looks like he has a web site now too.

  19. Omaha Steaks - Crock Pot Meals?

    I was just about to purchase some steaks for my dad for xmas and noticed the Crockpot Meals that Omaha Steaks is selling. Has anyone tried these? If so, any insight on which ones are good and/or whether or not it’s worth the price? Seems pretty affordable, but thought I’d try to get some insight… there are no reviews on these meals on their site.

  20. Anonymous

    So, who has a SodaStream? Do you like it? Can anyone shed light on the real differences between the various models? I have been reading about them online, but as far as I can tell, they mostly just look different. I think I’m going to get one for my husband for Christmas.

    • Vintage Lawyer

      Not happy with mine. The soda it makes (plain spring water, no flavor added) isn’t fizzy enough for me.

    • Meg March

      No idea on comparing the different models. I have one, and love it. We use it a couple times a week. We only use it to make carbonated water, though, we never use the soda flavor packets (although we’re thinking about picking some up to keep in our bar for cocktails). We have the SodaStream Fountain Jet model, which I believe is the cheap one, but don’t quote me on that.

    • Bonnie

      Love ours too. I get bored with drinking water but love fizzy water. We usually don’t use the flavors though I sometimes will drink it with a splash of juice.

    • Koala

      Love love love our soda stream. Best purchase of 2016 for us. Actually was a gift but I would have bought it if we hadn’t received it! Just makes water more interesting (we don’t use the flavours) and I find it super refreshing.

    • Double-Bingo

      Love my SodaStream, use it every day. Mostly the different models just look different, but there were two differences I remember from when we purchased: size of the gas cylinder (big or little) and type of bottle (glass or plastic). I went with big cylinder so that I only have one at a time and swap out, and plastic bottles because I carry them around everywhere and I’m a klutz. Other people I know have a bunch of the little cylinders at once, and like the glass because they only use it at home. If I remember correctly the glass bottles are pretty small.

      Also, re: fizz level, you can customize. The instructions say push until you get 3 “buzz” sounds, but you don’t have to stop there, I sometimes do 5-6 to get extra fizzy water!

  21. MM LaFleur pop up

    Hi ladies – I went to an MM LaFleur pop-up recently and have been meaning to share my experience with you all. I own a handful of MM dresses already and had my eye on several more, so I finally snagged an appointment (they’ve come to my city several times but always book up very quickly).

    I’ve never used a personal stylist service, so I was actually a bit nervous and didn’t know what to expect. The setting was really lovely, and everyone was friendly. They had coffee, water, and bubbly available. I didn’t have any, but I think that it could be fun to set up appointments at the same time as some friends.

    The stylist mainly stuck to what I said I was looking for and like (eg, I said that I hate pants, and she didn’t make me try any). I found it really useful to try on pieces that I’d been eyeing online. One thing that bothered me a bit was that I told them that I work in a very buttoned-up, business formal environment, and she kept giving me pieces that were edgier and not appropriate for my workplace. For all of their talk about clothing successful businesswomen, they seem somewhat unaware of what business formal means and what many of us need in our wardrobes (for example, they were trying to get me to buy a sweater “to wear at my desk” and I was like um, that’s a glorified blanket and I could never wear that at work).

    Overall, I was happy, and I’ll continue shopping with MM.

    • Lillers

      I went to the pop-up in my city last year and felt similarly. I was also annoyed that I asked for specific pieces beforehand, and they didn’t have them in my size at the pop-up. My stylist did have different ideas on how to wear all the pieces that I would never have thought of myself, so that was really helpful.

      I ended up buying two dresses that were labeled as machine washable. I want to give credit to their customer service because after I washed one dress (and dried flat) I noticed the outer shell shrank, showing about an inch of lining at the bottom when I wore it. They offered to reimburse me for hemming it. It wasn’t acceptable for me because I am already quite tall and it would have made the dress too short for my comfort zone, so they refunded me my money. It was super nice and I appreciated their approach.

    • Dahlia

      I went to a pop up at Boston and I was disappointed. I work in an environment where the men all wear suits and I usually wear a dress with a blazer. I said I was looking for things that were close to business formal without necessarily being a suit- but needed conservative dresses to wear with blazers or conservative tops that I could wear with a suit.

      The stylist spent most of the appointment trying to convince me that certain dresses would be appropriate that clearly weren’t. She had pre-pulled a bunch of dresses that were much to casual and instead of trying to accommodate what I was looking for she tried to convince me that they would fly. I got the feeling she had no idea what I meant by a conservative work environment (how many times do I have to say no low necklines? And no, adding a camisole won’t make it acceptable) and I didn’t appreciate someone trying to convince me that she knew what was appropriate for my workplace better than I did.

  22. NY CPA

    Some people have asked about make up organizers in the past, and the Container Store acrylic ones (which I have and love) were highly recommended. They’re annoyingly expensive though so I just wanted to point out that those are on sale for 40% off! Link in comments :)

  23. Jade

    I am on the verge of aging out of biglaw and trying to figure out my next steps. I work in exec comp / benefits, mainly in the PE context, and virtually all of my ex-coworkers have lateralled to other biglaw firms or Big 4 accounting firms, or they have become SAHMs. I would like to go in-house, but all the job postings I see seem to prefer employment litigators (this even though approximately 2/3 of each job description covers what my practice group does and not what our employment-law peers do). Alternatively, I’ve thought about opening a solo practice or small firm with a few other comp-and-benefits people, with a focus on representing employees and consultants in contract negotiation, but I’ve never seen this done and would be nervous that all our potential clients would prefer employment litigators rather than comp/benefits. Has anyone been in (or adjacent to) this situation? Where did you end up after biglaw? Any advice or warnings in any direction? Thanks!

      • Jade

        I’ve only ever seen two job postings in that area. On one, I applied and never heard back (dad because I pulled together an unusually well-tailored cover letter IMHO), so I never got a great sense of what the job entailed. On the other, it required big-consulting travel/hours, which I wouldn’t be able to do (plus would be a pay cut). Am I looking on the wrong job boards?

    • an idea

      I don’t know what the market is for this, but I’d love to be able to refer people to an employee-side small firm with an exec comp/benefits lawyer and an employment lawyer working together.

    • Kelsey

      I went from Biglaw to another Biglaw, then in-house, then to a mid-sized law firm, where I hope to stay for the rest of my career. If you like the work and you have a skillset that’s helpful to businesses, many mid-sized law firms would love to have you as you will arrive fully-trained in a niche field. Mid-sized law firms provide good salaries, good flexibility, and fewer standing weekly meetings as corporate in-house positions, so I feel like it’s the best of all worlds. Your chances of becoming partner are much higher at a mid-sized firm. Sure, the prestige is not there, but I’ve found that to be a minor tradeoff for a better life.

    • ERISA Lady

      There are in house and employee benefits and exec comp jobs out there (I have one), but they are not as common as in house employment law jobs — most companies have an employment lawyer but many do not see the need for a full time exec comp / benefits lawyer. For example, I’m in the DC metro area and usually see around 4 jobs come up per year, and that includes extending the search to Baltimore. When these jobs do come up, they get a ton of applicants, so I would recommend the following:
      (1) search for a job continually – check websites (goinhouse.com, ACC careers page etc) every week. Send in your application as soon as the position is posted. If you wait for a month, it may be too late — once the HR dept has gathered enough resumes, they probably won’t look at new applicants unless all of the applicants who interview flame out.
      (2) Find a connection and get them to pass your resume along. If you are in a large market, the company will get hundreds of applications and a connection will help to get your resume to the person making the decision. This is somewhat less important if you are applying for corporate headquarters in smaller or rural locations where they have a hard time getting people to relocate.
      (3) tailor your resume to the requirements listed for the position. The initial cut is being done by the HR department and they don’t know how to translate your resume, so make it easy for them to see how you meet the requirements. For example, if the job description says “experience with Title I of ERISA” don’t write “experience with ERISA fiduciary rules” — the HR department doesn’t know that Title I = fiduciary rules. It’s time consuming but important, especially if you don’t have a way to get someone to pass your resume along to someone who is familiar with what you do.
      (4) Some large companies have separate exec comp roles that aren’t necessarily legal department roles — if you like exec comp, you could look for those as well.
      (5) I’m not sure exactly what you mean by exec comp in PE – are you doing plan investments in PE or structuring comp for employees/partners in PE firms? Either way, it would be good to try to get or highlight more experience with traditional corporate employers and traditional employee benefits projects. PE wouldn’t be a big selling point with a traditional corporation.
      (6) Companies are interested in candidates with interest in or experience with their industry so highlight that if applicable. If you get an interview, be prepared to talk about why you are interested in the company, not just why you are interested in the job.
      (7) Any in house job is going to be a pay cut from big law, and probably a big one.
      (8) The employee-side firm idea is an interesting one. If you want to start your own firm, you need to be prepared to network like crazy — lunch with a different person every day etc. — so think about whether this is for you. My husband is in a different field that involves representing individuals and he is constantly networking to bring in business because there are no long term relationships with institutional clients. An alternative would be to try to join an employment law boutique to do their tax work – 409A and tax treatment of equity etc.
      Hope this is helpful – I have been in your shoes and it can take a while to find a position.

  24. Anonymous

    I am planning which work related conferences I will go to next year. Since the non-profit I work for will not pay my travel expenses, if I want to go, I have to fund the travel and conference fees myself. Consequently I am interested in getting the most bang for the buck.

    One of the conferences I am considering is in Salt Lake City. I have no intention of offending in Mormons here. But I want to ask, what is Salt Lake like to visit for non-Mormons? Any experiences, tips, would be welcome.

    Thanks!

    • Lillers

      I’m from the Midwest (non-Mormon) and have been to SLC several times, both for business and pleasure. In my opinion, you probably won’t notice anything different except some strange laws pertaining to alcohol. It’s really beautiful and there is a lot to do, particularly if you enjoy being outdoors.

      Have fun!

    • Jane

      My parents live in a town that’s close to Salt Lake so I have visited the area many times, although I have not spent a lot of time in the city itself. It’s my impression that only about half of the population of Salt Lake is LDS. I think Salt Lake is a mixture of its LDS roots and its growing population. For example, there are lots of coffee shops and bars, but the state still runs the liquor stores. I don’t think not being LDS is an issue when you’re visiting the city. Look for areas, such as those around University of Utah, that are trendier and less traditional and you won’t feel like you’re in a “Mormon town.” A non-religious friend ran the Salt Lake City marathon a few years ago and really enjoyed her trip. She did not think it felt like a town owned by the church.

      If you’re going in the winter and like to ski, consider adding on a few days. The nearby ski options are fantastic! If you’re going in the summer and like to hike, I’d make the same suggestion.

    • Anonymous

      As a visitor you won’t notice anything weird at all. Tons of bars, coffee available everywhere, plenty of places open late. I didn’t love SLC but it had nothing to do with Mormons. The people were all super nice, including to my non-white colleagues.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks so much for the comments about Salt Lake. What all of you said helped a lot. It’s going to be easier to make up my mind now.

  25. Two weeks notice over holiday?? Count holidays or don't count holidays?

    I’m in an odd situation in which I’m about to put in my two weeks notice. (New job waiting!) Does a two weeks notice include holidays (i.e., does the 26th – a non-w0rking day – count as a day in your two week time period)? Or does a two weeks notice specifically mean 10 business days?

    • Anonymous

      If the only holiday you have is the 26th, I think you can give notice today and have your last day be the 30th. If the 23rd, 30th and/or other days are holidays then I think ideally you should work into the week of Jan. 2. I don’t think it has to be exactly 10 business days but aiming for 9-10 is good.

  26. Gift for someone terminally ill...

    I really need help with gift ideas. I know the site is littered with these now, but this one is really tough. My MIL has been terminally ill for a while and we got news this week that she probably only has weeks left. She will be going through chemo, which last time threw off her tastebuds a lot. She is basically unable to do much but sit in a chair, watch tv, use an ipad/kindle, and sleep. I tried to throw out sentimental ideas like scanning photos for her to look through, but DH gets too sad at the thought of preparing things like that and she is also avoidant about direct conversations about the fact she is dying. Other than maybe some slippers or lotions I am at a loss. Christmas is her favorite time of the year so we are happy she made it this far (this seemed very unlikely at the time of her diagnosis) so we want to make it special, but going too sentimental seems like it might turn into a sobfest that neither of them would want. Just aiming for things that would make her smile I guess. She likes cats and watching cooking shows/old shows/animated movies. If anyone else has been through anything similar and has ideas I would be so grateful!

      • OP

        That’s the hard part. One of her favorite parts is having all the gifts and opening them, and she always gets lots of stuff for us. I fear it would make her feel left out not to have anything to open and also kinda directly calling out her mortality (yeah, we didn’t get you anything because you won’t be here much longer). And of course the food, which by then she probably won’t really want.

        • OP

          Gifts that lead to quality time are probably somewhere down the right path, though…

        • lawsuited

          Offer to help her get gifts for others if she wants to – it may be hard for her given how ill she is, and she may want her last gifts to be special/meaningful.

          If you want to get her something, I think a Christmas movie to watch or a game to play as a family would hit the mark.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      Is there a Christmas activity that she used to do when she was able that she can’t do this year that you could bring to her? Maybe music from a favorite concert? Or go video tape a neighborhood with lights she used to see?

      Is someone helping decorate her wherever she is staying so its festive?

      Someone I know who passed away last year from cancer really enjoyed those coloring books to take her mind off things. They were low pressure.

      What about goofy festive cat socks?

      Does she have to stay hydrated by sipping water from a mug? Maybe find one that is customizable and put a cat on it?

      Cozy cat sheets or pillow cases?

      Does she know how to use a smart phone? Maybe find a bunch of cats that she can follow on instagram.

      • LondonLeisureYear

        Another idea to help make her festive before the holidays: Getting her nails done! If she was a person who always had her nails done, it might feel weird to have them not painted. -People can come to your house to do manicures. I know for some of my friends and family who have been in hospice it was important to do things like that, that they had done their whole life…it gave them a sense of control. So maybe see if she wants her nails done before Christmas?

    • MJ

      I think some longtime readers of the s*te know that I went through this in 2012.

      For my family member, even though she did not want to talk about “saying goodbye” or “last this or last that” she really enjoyed the following: (i) letters from others from various times in her life that were sappy, but essentially said, “remember when we did this? Boy was that a great time. I love you so much, and I want you to know it;” (ii) small luncheons or very limited outings with groups of friends. She did not look well, she did not feel well, but she was buoyed by everyone enjoying her company and pretending that things were normal , even though they absolutely were not; (iii) behind-the-scenes orchestrated phone calls with faraway friends. So we would say, “Friend, Terminally Ill Family Member would just so love to talk you, truly. Would you call tomorrow between 5 and 7 pm, and act nonchalant and just try to catch up?” She really, truly loved all of these calls out of the blue, even though she knew and we knew that they were not random, and everyone was essentially saying goodbye without saying goodbye.

      Honestly, at this stage of life, a person is usually much more interested in time and relationships than things…so try to make your gifts about that, rather than tangible things.

      Also, I am sure this has been discussed, but talk to your husband about giving his mother permission to “let go.” Sometimes the chemo is so ravaging–if it truly is terminal, maybe it is best not to do chemo. I would see if there is a hospice-type person involved her care (if this is not meddling) and make sure that MIL’s care team includes someone that is looking out for her quality of life in her limited time left. Hospice folks are very good and kind and gentle about this. Please get them involved, if they are not already. I know that even the mention of the word Hospice throws people into a tizzy, but they are there to help with the transition from medical to palliative care. This is what they do. They are very good at it. They can provide a lot of calm and assurance to a terminally ill patient, and I hope that your MIL is getting something along these lines, if not from Hospice care, from someone on her team.

      I also wanted to give you a and your husband a huge hug for having to deal with this. I am getting super-verklempt even typing this, but…the slow fade is very hard on everyone, and when the death finally happens it’s even worse, because somehow, even though everyone knew it was coming, the abstract becomes very, very real. Please be sure to reach out to Hospice resources in your area. They are a godsend.

      I encourage you to take pleasure in small things–talks, eating ice cream at every meal…whatever. You cannot fix this. You cannot make the elephant in the room go away. But you can try to enjoy the time you have, even though your loved one is in pain and is likely terrified. Be a calm and loving force in her life. It is so kind of you even to write to ask about this. Again, hugs.

      ~MJ

      • OP

        Oh, god. I lost it when the reality of the question I was asking sunk in, and then again when I read your response. Thank you. I know we can’t fix it but I just want to make it as normal for her as possible. So far I am thinking goofy kitty socks, some grumpy cat/cat stickers to decorate her Yeti, and a DVD of a movie she really wants to see but won’t pay full price for on Amazon to watch together (even tho she’s dying she’s still cheap, lol). I kinda want to borrow a kitten for her to play with for a little bit but I don’t know where I’d find one..

        It’s basically a palliative dose of chemo, she responded to the last one pretty well and didn’t lose her hair or experience too much nausea. It does make her tired and things taste weird tho. Insurance company are d*cks, they won’t let her have both chemo and hospice. So far it’s just been family taking care of her, she doesn’t want to leave her home and she doesn’t want strangers taking care of her. nurse once or twice a week but that’s it. I haven’t been involved in decision making much but I do push him to make sure he asks what she wants because she is prone to just going along with what people tell her to.

        • Anon

          The kitten idea is really cute but kittens scratch and she will probably be prone to infection. Could you foster an older kitty for a couple of weeks? Maybe a half grown kitty?

          • OP

            She already has an older cat that scratches occasionally but hasn’t caused any huge issues. And we will already be adding her to the two we have once she’s gone, so I really don’t want to adopt another. We had someone bring in a kitten to work a few weeks ago and it just lit up everyone’s face, so I thought it might be nice to cheer her up for half an hour or so. Just a fantasy most likely :)

      • Bewitched

        I lost my mom this year. Everything MJ wrote is so true. Beautifully written.

    • Coach Laura

      I can imagine she wants to open something and feel good about the present exchange. What about a crystal Waterford bell for her bedside or tumbler and carafe? Also someone here posted about cute cat or owl hot water bottle/stuffed animal. Can’t find it while at work but the idea is cuddly and comfortable.

      Or a cozy bed jacket.

      Sending good thoughts to you all.

    • Monte

      Christmas was my father’s favorite holiday and I wanted so badly for him to make it after he was admitted to the hospital, but he didn’t. So I get the impulse to do it up.

      Anything luxurious you can get her that will also make her comfortable? Slippers and lotions yes, but also fancy lip balms (my father’s lips were constantly chapped, so having lip balm in multiple places was helpful), cashmere socks or throws. Little things to help with grooming so she feels her best when she does see friends, whether it is scarfs or hair clips or drapey sweaters? And the movie she wants to see, as well as any other movies or series she might enjoy. And since you say she is frugal, what about favorite holiday recordings? We always had a couple of CDs when I was a kid that were in heavy rotation at the holiday.

      She knows her prognosis, so even if she doesn’t want to discuss it, you don’t have to pretend everything is exactly the same as always. Honestly, I think I would splurge on cashmere and fancy gelato (not entirely random — the concentrated tastes plus the cold seemed to be really soothing for my dad). You can’t take it with you, but there is some comfort in knowing that your husband and you showed your love for her through gifts, since that is something she appreciates.

    • Ck

      Things my mother appreciated at this stage….

      A digital picture frame filled with family pix.

      A warm, soft robe and fleece blanket.

      A DVD collection of a TV show she really enjoyed, and every morning we would watch one episode, and laugh, and eat a chocolate donuts.

    • bridget

      Do you have to wait for Christmas to give all of the presents?

      You could wrap up fun Christmas decorations this weekend (Etsy has a great cat tree topper). I like the manicure idea, so you could arrange for the women in the family to get manicures where your MIL is at, and wrap up the gift card or whatever and give it to her tomorrow.

      Even if she has trouble with food, you could give her entertaining-type food (chocolates, nuts, fruit baskets) for her to give her guests.

    • Saguaro

      Just went through this with my sister. Same exact stage as your MIL, but last Christmas. The best gift she got was a heated throw blanket. She was always cold. The throw size was good because she could take it anywhere. Super sad thinking back to last Christmas when she was still here.

      • Ck

        I’m so sorry for your loss.

        I hope you can be with family this year, and perhaps reminisce and laugh a little bit at some good memories. Keep digging out those good memories.

  27. 52 Reasons

    When we knew my dad likely wouldn’t see another Christmas, we had our girls make him a deck of “52 reasons we love you” cards. We made one for my mom, too. Basically, you take a deck of cards and brainstorm 52 reasons why you love her. They can be funny, serious, from your childhood, your kids’ thoughts – anything. But short, like “We love how you always put chocolate chips in the pancakes.” Then, you put them into a template with boxes the right size, print those out in a nice font, cut, and glue onto the back of each card. Paint with Mod Podge. Punch a hole in the corner and use a ring to hold together. My parents loved it, and my mom even gave my dad’s set to the priest who did his funeral to give him ideas of what he was like. Search pinterest for pictures and templates. It’s some work, but not terrible. And all your DH would have to do is help brainstorm ideas. You could do the typing, cutting and mod podging. And it’s not too bad – a couple of hours, max.

  28. Anonymous

    Texting an ex-boyfriend to wish him happy birthday, yes or no? I broke up with him and haven’t initiated any texts. He has texted me on holidays and my birthday. I don’t want to seem like I’m opening a door, but I also don’t want to seem like an a-hole for not responding in kind.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t text. My ex-bf would text me after I broke up with him for a while and I just ignored him, even when it was something simple like “hope you’re doing well.” I think any text could make him feel like the door is cracked.

    • P

      +1. There is no obligation to respond in kind and you are not an a-hole. You are just making your own decisions.

    • numbersmouse

      I’m going to disagree with others here. If he texted you on your birthday, you should do the same. Otherwise, it makes him feel like garbage, like something you threw away and never looked back on. Just keep it short and direct: “Happy birthday” without any “I hope you’re having a great time blah blah”.

      • Anonymous

        Why? What is the point? They broke up. There is no reason to respond. He appears not to be able to move on, she should with no regrets.

        If he feels like garbage because they broke up, that’s on him and he should get help for that.

          • Anonymous

            But I don’t think texting him does him any favors. I’ve been in his shoes and I interpreted that text as “Yay, he’s still thinking about me! There’s hope!” I think it’s far crueler to the guy to text than to ignore.

      • ANON

        That’s ridiculous. OP’s not responsible for his feelings. They broke up; she doesn’t owe him anything, not even a “Happy birthday” text.

    • Anonymous

      OK, thanks everyone for your thoughts on this. Hope you guys have a festive weekend and week. :)

  29. Anon

    Those of you who have bought furniture online, can you give me your experiences with flat pack furniture? I need a small sectional sofa for a room with a narrow doorway at the end of a narrow hallway. I can’t get a fully assembled couch in there so I need something I can put together while in the room. We have an IKEA sofa in there now and it just sucks in many ways. I am looking for something with a higher back that feels like a real sofa

    • MJ

      You need to measure the back of the Sofa. Most doorways are 30″ You need the back to be less than 30″. Does not need to be flat pack. Search for “compact sofas” or “apartment sofas.” I have a sofa from Macy’s that has cushions that go higher than the back, so it feels full sized, but fits through doors because I live in an old part of Boston where getting furniture in and out is horrid.

    • In House Lobbyist

      I bought a love seat/chaise from Wayfair. It was of course much smaller but it was shipped in a small box. My husband was convinced they didn’t send the legs and sides of it. They were zipped inside the seat cushion. It was the coolest thing.

  30. Urgent request

    A family member is currently being held under section 12 in a hospital in Massachusetts. She is depressed ( her husband tragically passed away recently) but rational and calm. Can someone point me to resources to help her leave? Is there a certain type of attorney I should be contacting. it was heartbreaking seeing her stuck there- any help is greatly appreciated.

    • Anonymous

      Every state has different terms but I’m guessing section 12 is an involuntary hospitalization? The laws around involuntary treatment also vary from state to state. If she gives permission for you to talk to the hospital, I would ask to talk to a social worker or discharge planner. They should be able to give you information on how the process works and what role you could play. Every state has some way for people to fight an involuntary hospitalization, but depending on what happened, she might be held for a few days. Best of luck, a mental health professional in another state.

  31. AnonForThis

    I am 30 and have never had kids or had issues with bladder control. I recently started a new fitness routine that includes jumping rope. When I jump rope I lose bladder control (a bit.) What should I do to fix? See my doc? Kegels?

    • I'm Just Me ....

      Kegels aren’t the best exercise for your pelvic floor health. Read Katy Bowman. Look at Lauren Ohayan’s stuff. Do squats. https://breakingmuscle.com/learn/stop-doing-kegels-real-pelvic-floor-advice-for-women-and-men Seek out a PT that has pelvic floor health certification.

      It’s not normal. It’s not normal if you have had children or not had children. It’s very very very common, but it’s not normal.

      A lot of what’s written about this is geared towards birth and recovering from birth, but it really applies to everyone.

  32. Anonymous

    Kegels. Pilates with a competent teacher. Urinate before your workout. Use adult bladder pads or menstrual pads. See a doctor and get a prescription for a medication that would help. Good luck.

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