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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Ruffled Floral-Print Short-Sleeve Blouse

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Old Navy is such a great source for inexpensive tops to liven up your wardrobe at the end of the season. This ruffled, floral-print blouse would look so pretty tucked into a pencil skirt or worn under a navy blazer for the office. If you’re still working from home, it would make a great “Zoom top” paired with your comfiest leggings.

The top is $29.99 at Old Navy and comes in sizes XS–3X. It also comes in tall sizes XS–XXL and petite sizes XS–XXL.

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257 Comments

  1. Yesterday’s post about seeing a friend in a new light got me thinking. What do you do when there is a growing values misalignment in a friendship? I have a friend who is great in some ways—supportive, thoughtful, kind—but the way she conducts herself in other situations, like her marriage and some of her life choices, is concerning. It doesn’t directly affect me, but it does shed a closer light on her values system and what kind of person she is. It’s more the way she presents herself as the star in an ongoing drama, as though she had nothing to do with the situations and patterns she continues to create…

    But then I have another friend who conducts herself wonderfully in her personal life and I really admire how she lives day to day—she volunteers, focuses a lot on giving back and instilling those values in her kids— but she can be so petty and gossipy about the silliest things! Kind of the opposite of the first friend I described.

    I guess the answer to all this is that people are complicated and relationships reflect that. Curious how others have handled this stuff.

    1. or, no one is perfect including you (and me)? What would these two say about you right now – just to put it in perspective – “my friend is great but she complains about my values alignment on the internet.”

      2. +2, I’ve come to this conclusion with the benefit of time and age. I have no perfect friends, but I do have a few wonderful friends who are good people (imperfect like the rest of us), so that’s good enough for me.

      3. Point taken. Now I wish I hadn’t posted that, because it looks a lot worse written out than it did in my own head! I guess I was just wrestling with these thoughts and didn’t really have a place to share them.

      4. Yes. I have lots of friends who I’d describe as “she’s great, but…” and I 100% know many people describe me that way too.

      5. I don’t think this is a fair response to that post. OP wasn’t saying omg my friends aren’t perfect like me guess I should drop them. People change over time and sometimes they become sh!tty enough that it makes you question the friendship even if their behavior doesn’t directly impact you. There’s a lot of gray area between “things I tolerate from my friends” vs “things I don’t”, it’s a hard thing to grapple with.

        For example, among my longtime friends I have several who have had or been involved in affairs. It’s easy to say, I would never be friends with a cheater! But it’s rarely that simple. One was married to a guy who decided he wanted to find enlightenment, and in his mind that meant completely withdrawing from their marriage, his work, and their lives. After more than 2 years of this, friend hooked up with an ex. I’m not going to drop her as a friend because of it; she made a mistake and she regrets it. Otoh, I really struggled with a friend who was the other woman and did her level best to break up the marriage. This wasn’t a situation where she didn’t know he was married, or he was stringing her along with false promises of getting a divorce, or telling her his marriage was already over, she just decided she wanted him and his wife was the enemy. She didn’t technically break any vows – it’s not her marriage – but the hate that she spewed about his wife was too much to listen to.

    2. I’m allergic to drama and might back off a bit, the petty meh I can deal; however gossipy I have piped up on . Here is why: flat out gossip is mean spirited to me.

    3. My friends aren’t perfect. Neither am I, and neither is my husband. If you look hard enough you can find flaws in everyone. I simply enjoy being with my friends and that’s good enough for me.

    4. I think it’s like any other relationships. How much of those traits bother you and are their good traits enough to outweigh their bad ones? The only difference is that I have a much higher standard for my romantic partner/spouse since I see them everyday and expect to spend a lifetime with them. The daily friction will start to build up if our values and compatibily don’t mostly align whereas it’s not nearly as grating with someone you only see once a month.

    5. I have dealbreakers. If friends don’t demonstrate those, then I just work around their quirks like they do for me. If friends do demonstrate those, then I fade out.

    6. I mean no one is perfect, including me and you. I like to focus on the positives the people in my life bring to the table. No one of them is perfect or brings everything to the table but I appreciate all the various things the people in my life (husband, friends, family, mentors, etc) bring to the table.

      It may be more apt for a professional setting but I always liked the advice about finding a board of directors so to speak. So you might lean on person a for advice about inter office politics, person b for advice on sticky client situations, person c for work life balance, etc. I think of my personal life similarly, the people in my life all bring something unique and wonderful to my life even though they are each do things I may disagree with (and vice versa). If you find yourself focusing more on the negatives about a person instead of the positives, it might be a sign to move on from that friendship.

      I also think there is sometimes a view in today’s world that being friends with someone means you are somehow endorsing every view they hold or action they have taken. I personally don’t think that’s true and hope that as a society we move past that reductionist viewpoint of judging people by the “worst” things they have said or done. Maybe this is overly optimistic but I like to think all humans have something positive to offer. Doesn’t mean I need to be friends with everyone but even horrible people sometimes have redeeming features. I’d rather focus on the good than the bad. The world is already too much of a dumpster fire for me to cut out anyone who isn’t perfect. It would also mean all my friends would cut me out too since lord knows I’m not perfect either

      2. Great post and I agree!

        On the topic of even horrible people having redeeming features: There is a guy in our friend group who is a classic Missing Stair (not a rapist, just kind of an awful person) and I still tolerate him because… well, he’s still part of the group and he can be fun and everybody loves his wife and family, and he and my husband go WAY back.

        Exhibit 2: I had a very (VERY) close friend years ago who took a very dark turn and we ended up doing kind of a mutual ghosting followed by an emotional reunion followed in short order by an big blowout breakup. Still don’t really know what happened there but I think it was an addiction issue that I didn’t see until it was far, far too late.

      3. It’s this kind of thinking that led to me losing all my friends when I left my abusive ex. My ex was one of those, he’s a great guy except when he’s very drunk. After the break up, our friends kept inviting both of us to events. They just want to be neutral! They don’t want to pick sides! I had nothing to worry about because he only ever got abusive at home and I wouldn’t be going home with him! They refused to understand that by inviting him they were picking a side. They just wanted to see the good parts in him too – heck, so did I until he nearly killed me. But cool don’t judge people by their worst actions.

        1. I think there’s room for a little nuance here. If I found out anybody I knew was being abusive to a partner I would most definitely pick sides and would drop the abuser like a hot potato.

        2. I’m very sorry that happened to you and is definitely not what I was talking about! The original post seemed more along the lines of “this person is flaky” or “they voted for someone I don’t like” or “they gossip about other people” or “they cheated on their spouse” and even in those situations I think people need to chose between friends in some cases. For example I have friends where there was a bad relationship that ended in cheating and a messy breakup. I don’t condone the cheating but also don’t think the other person was blameless. I’m still friends with both but I never would invite them both to something – we hang out separately. If someone is abusive that’d be a dealbreaker for me, doublely so if I was friends with the target of their abuse. Hugs. I’m sorry that happened to you and I hope you’ve found better friends

        3. I had this happen, too. Years later, most of them came around and said it was a crummy thing to have done.

    7. I posted the comment you’re talking about and was thinking about reposting because I put it in the wrong thread. Thanks for bringing this up. The first friend you describe sounds just like the friend I was thinking about in the post. She hasn’t done anything harmful to me, but based on the way she’s been treating others, its starting to feel like it’s just a matter of time. You want to think, oh she would never do that to me, but I bet those other people thought that too. It’s really sad.

    8. I have come to the conclusion over the last few years that our best and worst qualities are likely two sides of the same coin. The most warm and nurturing people often have weak boundaries that make them kind of manipulative. The most organized and prepared people are often rigid and judgmental. The most fun and enthusiastic are often pretty flaky.

      It is what it is. I take the bad with the good. I’m also well aware of my multitude of flaws.

      1. I agree with this outlook. I also think that there’s a difference between looking people at individuals and looking at how they work in groups.

        Someone who isn’t generally a terrible person can become much more problematic if they’re plugged into a particular social network or role. This can often involve boundaries (e.g., someone who is assertive and opinionated around people with strong boundaries can become overbearing or unduly influential on people who are sensitive or accustomed to letting someone else take the lead in their life). Some times it involves something like temptation (I don’t know a better word–but some people behave really differently in uplifting contexts vs. contexts that sort of bring out the worst in them). And some personality traits that are vices in one scenario can be virtues in another one. I really relate to family systems type therapy because to me it captures some of how this works.

        Though another way I’ve looked at this is just D&D alignment (in terms of meme charts; I don’t actually know how alignments work in actual D&D). Do you have to be “lawful good” to be a good person? Because I don’t know any social group or team where it works to have everyone in the lawful good role at all times.

      2. OMG your comment was mindblowing to me.
        Yes the person I know who is most warm and nurturing DOES have weak boundaries! And the one who is super organized (my boss) IS a tad rigid and judgemental!

    9. I have had to work on not trying to fix a friend’s issues. I posted a few weeks ago about being irritated that she complains a lot about easily fixable things (like not buying a window A/C unit during a heat wave, even though they were available easily, and then complaining about the heat all day long). What I need to do is distance myself from her complaining, not engage or propose solutions, and find other things to do with my time. Then I can enjoy the good parts of our friendship and not get hung up on the negativity. And yes, she’d probably say I’m overbearing or controlling or something!

    10. I have a core group of local best girlfriends. We all have our quirks, but we all are loyal AF to each other. I have side convos with each of them sometimes about quirks of another. I have no doubt they also have side convos about my quirks. None of this bothers me – I know I have annoying quirks that I try to reign in but well they are part of me. I am conscious of them, just like one of my friends knows she is the one who never stops talking (which can be A LOT for me). We are all good people at our cores and share the fundamental values that are important to each of us, so the rest of this is just price of admission noise. It’s not what is important. What’s important is the fundamental core values. I DGAF if a friend talks about me with another friend, for example – that’s just life!

    11. The older I get, the less complicated I find people. There is the gossip when you know that the same things will be said about you, and then there’s the gossip of blowing off steam because it’s the feather that broke the camel’s back. The people who own up to their s–t and try very hard to be decent human beings are worth keeping around, quirks and all. The people who are, to use an example from upthread, nasty about man’s wife because they want the guy are… that’s never going to be the end of it. Flee. Anything sly or underhanded is always the tip of the iceberg; it’s shocking how much more there always is.

      I ended up cleaning house during my mid-thirties. Got tired of being endlessly patient with people’s garbage and then found them (shocker) being rude and nasty to whomever I was dating, my other friends, my husband. I’m not putting other people through this.

      The one friend issue that is unrelated to character is my complete inability to get along with a very, very specific type of woman: married to a breadwinner, pink collar, 0-2 kids, zero hobbies, not religious. Almost always, they started dating their husbands in high school; the one exception to this is a woman who married into a family who literally have Wikipedia pages. It used to bother me a lot… now I DGAF.

      1. I can’t tell from this description why you find it hard to get along with this type of woman. Is it just the “nothing to talk about” problem?

        1. Sure, I’ll explain. I didn’t understand it for a really long time – just blamed myself when they would absolutely lose their s–t on me. My friends run the gamut from SAHMs to six kids, nurse assistants, women in traditionally female roles (who do triathlons), lawyers, doctors, a few power players in Washington. So this was really perplexing.

          My husband’s dry comment was that they hate me because I earn my own money. That’s most of it but not all of it.

          These are women who followed a 1950s-like playbook because they wanted social affirmation, but they aren’t particularly driven or creative. (If they were, they would have hobbies or made their own playbook.) They went the “safe” route with their lives and careers. Their husbands are the ones who make money, get invited to the swank parties, haul in the paychecks, and get the affirmation of being a mover and shaker.

          I have been DOWN in my life – career, personal life, dating life, family life. At the end (fingers crossed), I’m knocking on the door of the C-suite, relatively well-known in some areas, have a husband and a kid, and run marathons. I’ve been open about having grown up in an abusive home, working two jobs to make ends meet, all that.

          Best I can explain is – they know I’ve been down, really down in my life, didn’t play it safe, made up my own playbook, and nevertheless “made it.” I get the accolades their husbands get (guess how I know most of these women?), the accolades they want, the accolades they don’t get despite having done everything “right.” Because I’ve been down, they want me to have Imposter Syndrome, to believe that I am not any better than they are, to think that maybe if life were different, they would be the one on the evening news talking financial markets, and I would be more down than they ever were in their lives.

          It can best be described as: “I married my high school sweetheart, work in the nice elementary school down the road, had exactly two kids, and why isn’t everyone fawning all over me like they did when I was 23?? Now that we’re all 40, why are YOU the one on top?”

          1. You aren’t better than they are though. We are all human and while they are flawed, so are you. In the genpop of non serial killers and the like, people who don’t actively hurt others are all in the same group. None of them are better than others because they have a more “prestigious “ job, or have more whatevers. Maybe they are jealous, but who cares? You don’t sound like someone I’d want to be friends with and I am the opposite of the category of women you seem to be unable to get along with (bc spoiler alert, you look down on them and they know it).

          2. That sounds like a you problem, not a them problem. You don’t sound like a particularly nice person.

          3. Yikes yikes yikes this is so a you problem, because you think you’re #notlikeothergirls, except here’s a secret… you are, everyone is, no one is a unique flower.

          4. LOL. No, it’s a them problem. For twenty years, I bent over backwards to be respectful and kind; having been in bad places, I do NOT treat people differently.

            Their husbands have told me that they are embarrassed by the way their wives treat me. Their wives don’t offer an explanation of me being a crap person; they say that I have been lovely to them. They just dislike their husbands having things in common with a woman.

            After decades of blaming myself, I am over it and call them on their garbage. Only now does it stop – not the twenty years when was nothing but kind.

          5. Addedum: a non exclusive list of the bonkers things these women have said to me:

            “You don’t have a career.”
            “You do not know how to balance work and family.”
            Snotty noises when I said it was hard to find a husband.
            That I was wrong to have a wedding when I got married. (Like, ANY wedding. It was not the particulars – it was the fact that the event existed.)
            “You don’t exercise.”
            “You never struggled in your life.” (Later, after reminding her that she was literally there when I was abused) “You have been through a lot of hard things in your life but don’t understand how much harder it is to have kids.”
            “Do you even have a job now?”
            “You don’t know anything about (my own area of expertise).”

      2. Your last paragraph is … woof, pretty mean? What is the common denominator between these women that makes them hard to get along with?

        1. They haven’t ever thought about what makes THEM happy, then gone and pursued it.

          That can be anything! Maybe your thing is taking your daughters to the science museum, reading the great classics, trying a new yoga studio, interviewing kids applying to your college, volunteering at church, getting into poker, or just really enjoying your job and getting creative with being a middle school librarian.

          When it’s nothing, flat out nothing, and you’re 35 or 40, social interactions get awkward. Their way of handling the awkward is to humiliate other people.

    13. I hear you, OP. My best friend is incredible, caring, kind, engaged. However, she’s holding a wedding this fall and is unvaccinated (likely to do with wanting to get pregnant). Of course I want to be there for her…but I really question holding what could be a super spreader event, no matter how much she wants to celebrate with family and friends. She could ultimately hurt so many people. I don’t get it.

  2. Anyone tried brow lamination and found it worthwhile? As I age, the wiry unruly hairs are no longer submitting to brow gel. Some are growing straight up, or out from my face.

    1. Extra Pet-te did it a few weeks ago bc her brow hairs naturally point downward. Seems like she has been happy with the results even though the tech warned her it might not work as well due to the strong direction of natural growth!

    2. Also, what are you all doing with gray eyebrow hairs? My formerly bushy brows have thinned out, so I feel like I have no spare volume to warrant plucking. And when I said gray, I meant “blinding white that stands out against my skin and other eyebrow hairs.”

  3. I need a new home computer to keep up with various non-work things in my life: volunteer leadership role, kids’ school and activity and camp schedules, a rental property (formerly singleton condo), and taxes where one spouse gets a K-1 and makes quarterly payments. My Lenovo laptop is 5+ years old and perpetually runs out of disk space (I have never had time to clear out music and maybe a movie of a kid’s hour-long play or whatever else may be the culprit). I think I want a laptop as I don’t have a dedicated office and prefer to keep it in a drawer when no in use. I also *hate* Apple computers after so many decades using MS-based ones (spouse has one). What are y’all using and liking these days? Budget isn’t a concern.

    1. If it’s storage space then you might want to look at external harddrives or cloud storage, and stream music and movies instead of storing them internally on your laptop. Most of my files are on google drive since I use their spreadsheet and doc apps. There’s not a lot that I store locally. I suspect something as simple as a Chromebook can handle your tasks if you can deal with external or cloud storage since nothing you do requires better specs. You don’t game or work with video editing.

      1. Agree, I do a RAID array for music and media backup. Unless you’re building your own PC, I don’t find it a good use of space to store everything on the actual computer permanently.

      1. +1

        Costco offers good, well priced options, and helps by limiting choices!

        I also recommend using external drives for storing things like the play/music etc..

        1. What sort of external drives are people using? We had one and the moved and somehow all old electronics were mislabeled or never seem to be hooked up and working properly. I think we need an at-home IT department (is that a thing?).

      2. Lenovos are great. Specs matter. I find disk drives to be very slow nowadays with Windows OS and prefer solid state drives.

      1. I have a surface for work. While I loveeee it for one off things, I don’t think it’s meant to be a workhorse.

    4. My answer to this for a while now has been HP Envy. My husband admits it compares favorably to his Macbook Air.

    5. I have had lenovos for years and while I generally love them, I will say the one I bought about a year and a half ago has had issues with the battery where it just randomly won’t recognize it (even though it is a legit lenovo battery); seems to be a bit of a known issue from googling it. So just do research on that issue for specific models, I’d say. I have a surface for work and kind of hate it, but it may be because I’m just used to Lenovo keyboard/trackball layout.

    6. My Lenovo is 7 years old and still going strong. If money isn’t an issue, could you hire someone to do a clean/move things to external storage?

    7. Clean up your hard drive, otherwise you’re going to spend a bajillion dollars on a powerful laptop you don’t really need just because it has a bigger hard drive. This isn’t a problem with your computer, it’s a problem with how you’re using it.

      1. Or just buy a cheaper laptop and replace the hard drive with a nice 1 TB solid state drive. It’s not much harder than replacing a toilet seat and you can find videos on YouTube.

  4. Does anyone have any leads on the Jill Biden in Hawaii dress? I think I need it or something similar. Long, flowy, not overly tight in the midsection. I cannot do that nap dress thing, but this looks like a nice dress for a grownup. [I used to be able to fit into a more sleek column dress bought at the Aloha Bowl flea market, and doubt I will return to that shape as my early 30s get further and further into the rear view mirror.]

    1. I also love that dress. Can’t find an exact one right now, but it gives off great Tucker NYC dress vibes. You might like those!

    3. Whoa my comment totally disappeared (didn’t even get a mod flag) but check out the Trina Turk Alana dress. Racerback-friendly.

      2. The Sigrid dress is really close — I wonder if a non-cold-shoulder version sold out (or maybe it was altered). So many dresses on that site are totally not appropriate for anything but clubbing but the dress Jill Biden wore was fantastic. You just never know what you might find somewhere I guess.

        2. Jill Biden’s dress had a cold shoulder – if you look closely, you can see that they added a tack to the middle of the sleeve to kind of close it half way. I’m assuming they stitched up the neckline a bit as well.

  5. Does anyone here who uses tretinoin also get facials? I love facials and find them relaxing but haven’t gotten one since I started tret about a year ago. My dermatologist said it would be ok, but I’d need to stop the tretinoin for a week before the facial (I would follow her guidance, of course). I am not thinking of major chemical peels or anything, just someone rubbing products on my face and light exfoliation for an hour.

    1. I got one for a bridal party thing, would not have gone on my own. I did stop tret for 5 days before, per my derm. Got a boatload of broken capillaries that I am saving up to fix with laser. 0/10, would not recommend.

      1. Interesting, I’ve done it before and just mentioned to the facialist that I use retinol and have sensitive skin and haven’t had a problem.

    2. I’ve had no problem getting facials (including lactic acid peels or red light treatment) while on tret without any problem. The spa I go to recommends stopping tret 3 days before the facial and that’s what I do

    3. I do. Personally, I have been using tret for so long (almost a decade), my face is completely used to it and I never get any irritation. Because of this I never stop tret before a normal facial. If I’m doing something major like a chemical peel or microneedling I will stop a few nights before-hand but definitely not a full week.

  6. Can anyone share resources and/or reading on learning how to have fun? I grew up in an unhappy home and things were always very serious. I am working through those issues in therapy with some success, but one of the realizations I’ve had is that I don’t even really know what “fun” or “happy” looks like. I’m an extreme introvert and my hobbies are things like reading (alone) and Pelotoning (alone), and I don’t have any friends or much family. I am happily married to another introvert who has similar struggles. I’m not sad or depressed, I just want to learn how to find things I enjoy and then enjoy them instead of spending my free time watching tv or surfing the internet.

    2. The blog The Happy Talent is a great place to start. She has tons of great articles about having fun as an adult and making new friends. More quick ideas (typing from my phone):

      – join a book club
      – check out Groupon or similar for random cool things in your area and go try something that catches your eye
      – check out horseback riding (horses are very healing!)
      – find a lifelong sport or activity, like mountain biking or tennis or skiing, and sign up for group lessons
      – dramatically reduce TV and screentime
      – active vacations (group tours, rafting trips, etc) instead of laying on the beach all day

      I am an introvert, but I have a lot of fun and I think the outdoors are a huge reason why. There are so many great activities you can do either by yourself or with good friends and it’s a great way to make good friends.

      It is absolutely never too late to learn a hobby and you should definitely distance yourself from anyone who says that you are too old to try things or what’s the point when you’re an adult. Being around people who do not have a sense of fun is the quickest way to kill your own fun.

      1. A couple other things now that I’m at my desk:

        – Don’t schedule errands for mid-day on the weekends. Try to do as many errands/chores as you can on weeknights (and streamline what you need to do). Nothing kills a weekend faster than an 11:00 am haircut on a Saturday, meaning you can’t get out of town for a quick camping trip or overnight in a B&B.
        – Try tying things you enjoy together. For example, if you like reading and you also like biking, why not read some sports memoirs by great cyclists? Why not read a book set in Italy and then plan a vacation there to see the sites discussed in the book?
        – Everything is worth it (a concept I stole from The Happy Talent!) Don’t fall into the trap of “I only have an hour, that’s not enough time to do anything so I’ll just mindlessly surf the web.” You can go for a long run during that time. You can read several chapters of a book. You can sign up for a golf lesson and read up on beginner tips.
        – Try to be more present when you’re in nature. What trees are around? What flowers? Can you see evidence of the season’s change in your own neighborhood? Buy a field guide to flowers and birds.
        – Try activities with a little bit of risk involved. Nothing will capture your attention better and get you focused on the task at hand. Yoga and meditation can be nice, but to me, the meditative state I get into when I’m skiing a double-black diamond is much more energizing and effective.

        You can do this and it’s great you want to – good luck!

    3. It sounds like you DO have things you enjoy (reading and Pelotoning) but you’re putting pressure on yourself to find other things. Why? Examine that more closely. Is it that you want to do more fun things in groups or meet new people? You mentioned not having any friends. It would be good to find some friends doing an activity you enjoy. Then you’d be having fun doing the activity and sharing it with other people.

      Since you are married, I’m sure you and your partner have had fun together. Think about what that looks like. Then think about what “fun” looks like when you do activities you enjoy like reading and Pelotoning and explore new activities that might combine all of those aspects of fun.

      Good luck! But also, give yourself a break. Having fun should be, well, fun! So try not to stress about it. Maybe reward yourself for each new thing you try with extra time spent doing something that provides guaranteed fun like reading/Pelotoning.

      2. Agreed. While you started out sounding like a difficult case, the fact you are married means that you have someone else to share your moods with. Assuming that is going well, talk to him and see what he likes to do and work with it so that you both can do what he likes and maybe you will learn to like it. However, if you don’t tell him that you want him to do stuff that you may get to like. Although not mentioned earlier, what about bedroom exercises? Are you both interested in pleasing each other in bed? If so, that is a great start, but just make sure both you and he shower first so that you do not feel like you are doing something or making him do something that is not squeeky clean. Once you’ve figured this out, you may have a good foundation for more things you can both do outside of the bedroom. Try going to the beach and staying away from other people so that if the mood hits you, the sand can be your mattress, if you get my drift. I have found that I do not mind getting sand all over me if my boyfriend does the right things, even at the beach, tho you do not want to be seen by others doing it.

    4. There was a recent podcast by Glennon Doyle (we can do hard things) on this topic that might resonate. I like to sign up for classes. Also, and this might seem crazy, ‘fancy’ reading – by which I mean going to a beautiful place to read, or having a glass of wine by myself at a pretty bar and reading. That’s FUN to me!

    5. This might sound trite but I am completely serious: pick a new to you thing with some social aspect (even just you and spouse) and do it once with no expectations. It doesn’t have to be a big thing – find a local path you haven’t walked, a local museum you haven’t visited, or something else fairly low key. Keep trying things until you find something or multiple things you enjoy.

    6. I think you just have to try some stuff and see what you feel better after doing! To start I’d recommend trying some outdoor activities because it’s “restorative” fun to be out in the fresh air. Cycling *outside* and walking / hiking are both introvert-friendly, or what about weekend lunch dates where you go to a beer garden or similar?

    7. I want to commend you for working on this part of yourself, and I think you’re doing great. Putting (a little) effort is a good idea. You can enjoy the things you like, and still branch out to explore other things. If you don’t like them, you don’t have to do them. Good luck

    8. I grew up in the same household and am working on the same thing! No advice, just sending love. I’m finding those moments of fun and lightness feel so thrilling when they pop up.

    9. Even as a fun loving extrovert, I struggle with spending my time on things I enjoy rather than on TV/scrolling my phone. I also really struggled with finding new hobbies when I was in my early/mid 20s. I didn’t have the social life or the activities of college (I was a D1 athlete and in a sorority so my sport was fun and then my sorority planned lots of fun sisterhood actives + parties).

      For finding things you enjoy: try EVERYTHING. I knew I liked being active and being outdoors so I’ve signed up for several adult sports leagues, several running and triathlon races, and have tried several racquet sports. I’ve found friends (through work – didn’t go out and find completely new people) who enjoy outdoor activities and they’ve gotten me into their activities (climbing, biking, etc). I highly recommend taking 1 thing you think you enjoy or might enjoy and then really pulling on that thread and seeing where it leads!

      During the pandemic, a bunch of people from my office got Peletons/stationary bikes + Peloton app. We started a group text where we’d talk about rides and we’d plan to do a ride together every Saturday as a group. There’s about 8 of us in the chat, and at the beginning I was friends with 2 of them. I’ve become friendly with all of them and actual friends with about half of the group. It was a really low pressure/low commitment way to befriend people and build community around a shared solo hobby.

    10. I think that our culture has a flawed idea of what “happy” looks like. To me, it usually looks like contentment that’s occasionally punctuated with higher peaks. In my life, “fun” can be found in relatively simple things that break up the monotony of life (meeting up with my husband to try out a new restaurant during the workweek) or it can be bigger (like a vacation). I think fitting in novel experiences that break up routine even if they’re small, like trying a new bar or taking a day trip to a museum, go a long way to fun.

      1. Agreed, if your definition of “fun” is giddy excitement, then I get that way on rollercoasters and while drunk and that’s about it. But I wouldn’t say my life is absent of fun, or that I only have fun while I’m drinking. Go somewhere beautiful. Are there state or local parks near you? DH and I are pretty introverted and we love our walks together.

    11. Hi, you sound a lot like me from five or ten years ago. In my case, overcoming the things I learned from growing up in an unhappy home looked a lot like giving myself permission to to try, to feel foolish, to not be good at things, to “waste” money or time on new activities I might not like or be skilled at yet. One thing I learned was that I had thought I was an introvert, but that was primarily because the people I grew up around were not super nurturing to begin with. Once I learned to give myself a lot more permission to not be perfect, I began to have fun in lots of different ways, figure out my hobby situation, and enjoy being more social and outgoing. I’ll still always love reading quietly on the sofa, but have added a lot to my life, since.

    12. I am not sure I actually enjoy things that are fun? I’m not sure if this is because I grew up in a home that hid unhappiness with extreme cheerfulness and go-go-go fun times, or if this is just how I am as a quiet introverted personality. I enjoy museums, live theater, and visiting parks and gardens, nature preserves, and conservation centers. Sometimes also churches and other religious spaces. Maybe I think more in terms of enrichment? Creative works that are emotionally moving, aesthetically nourishing, or that make me see or think about things differently contribute more to my happiness, whereas I get a sort of hangover from the kinds of fun outings where I feel pressure to be more socially outgoing than I am, or to laugh when I’m not really enjoying myself, or generally fake that I am having a good time. Socially I enjoy the kinds of dinner parties that stretch into the night with people who have a lot to say about their interests or creative pursuits. It is definitely harder to make friends with this personality, but for me taking classes to learn languages or make art and supporting people whose creative work I appreciate has led to friendships before.

    13. It’s okay for fun to have a serious element, it doesn’t have to be laugh-out-loud or giggling or an activity that anybody else would label fun, although that is fine, too.

      You already have indoor bike skills, what about doing some outdoor biking to see new places? You could go somewhere in nature – find a safe trail, bring lunch, maybe take one photo of a particularly lovely view? Or you could do some city biking.

      Or maybe you’d like geocaching? It’s a good way to explore and find new spots around where you live, and maybe read up on the history or geography or the places you tag?

      Since you read, maybe try some books that are meant to be entertaining or funny? Things like Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K Jerome, or some classic P G Wodehouse, like Something Fresh? Maybe you don’t like them, maybe you’ll smile and look forward to the next chapter.

      I think a lot of fun and happiness is about positive anticipation – things you are really looking forward to do. Are there other things than reading and working out you really look forward to doing, and make time for and plan? If so, that might be fun things for you, or at least pleasurable or fulfilling.

      Things I find fun, that might not be that for anybody else. Crossword puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, sowing and growing plants from seeds or cuttings, looking at maps, identifying flowers I see during walks, trying new recipes and ingredients, making colorful charts, planning a new hobby, grocery stores, doing small things that feels extravagant like going out of my way to get pink trash bags instead of grey.

      Some random things you might try once, to see if it’s something you’d enjoy: archery, cross-stitch embroidery, going to the ballet and the opera, making a soufflé, nude drawing class, playing Scrabble, going on a roller coaster or eating sherbet powder.

    14. We have been intentionally doing things we are both bad at: ballroom dance class, bocce ball, bowling, archery, horse back riding. You just have to laugh when you get the directions wrong and end up at the wrong end of the floor.

    15. Lots of great tips here but will also put in a plug for the happiness course at Yale. You can take it online for free. It’s super interesting and has lots and lots of practical tips

    16. When you consider how most people found the activities that bring them happiness, it started with curiosity. ‘What is that chic and kind of run-down jazz club like inside?’, ‘does all jazz sound like this?’, ‘who are the most famous jazz musicians?’, ‘what is the history of jazz?’, ‘does jazz crossover with other genres?’. I love jazz and spend a lot of my free time happily going to shows both solo and with friends, but it started with curiosity. Kayakers have a first time kayaking – because they looked at the sport and thought it looked fun. What do you think is interesting? What, when you see it, makes you ask questions? Follow that!

    17. Yes! The other day, I made myself a list of things that I think are actually fun. It is not impressive. It includes things like: 1) Swimming in the ocean. 2) Painting with a lot of instructions (like a paint by number or guided project). 3) Buying books at bookstores. 4) Going to see musical theater performances or live music. 5) Doing escape rooms. 6) The funny Peloton rides (not the hard power zone ones). 7) Jigsaw puzzles. Some people on this list have much fancier hobbies, but for me, these are ones that I genuinely enjoy and make me happy.

      It is liberating to think about what truly is fun for you, without expectations, and then try to find ways to do those fun things. For me, I really value having a paint by number or other super easy art project available to me that I can do from, like 10 pm to 11 pm. Swimming in the ocean is genuinely my favorite, but much less convenient to sneak into a workday. Painting is easy and fits into my life. Find a mix.

    18. Get a dog. I’m serious. I grew up in a very serious family. Good grades and hard work were rewarded. I learned to please, was an exceptional student, made partner in a Big 4, and had little fun.

      A couple of years ago, I adopted a puppy. He was a ton of work and at the same time brings so much joy to my life and to many others. I have met many new people and get outside more than I ever did before (which has so many benefits). He is such a blessing in my life.

      A couple of other suggestions – if you like live performances, buy a subscription with your partner. You don’t have to remember to buy tickets and can go to dinner as well to make a night of it. Volunteer — either on a board or by doing something you like. Find a cause that has a walk or run and find a training group to train with. I did that for the weekend walk for breast cancer years ago and made a few good friends.

  7. Travel recs for Denver and Boulder please, doing my first solo trip and I’m both excited and terrified!

        1. For Boulder, Pearl Street Mall is fun to walk and eat and shop along. I love the Boulder Tea House, and it’s fairly unique for restaurants. CU Boulder used to have Shakespeare plays every summer in outdoor venues, and hotels would have outdoor music/dancing in the summer. Not sure if anything is going on with Covid. Boulder has a cute farmers market and it’s fun walking/running along the creek. Golden is also a cute town to visit

      1. I think you might need reservations for at least parts of the park these days so check that out first if you’re interested

      2. It is one of the parks that’s requiring timed entry this summer, so definitely plan ahead

    3. A bit of a drive from Denver but I would think that the hot springs near Glenwood Springs would be a perfect stop on a solo trip. We’ve done both Glenwood Hot Springs and Iron Mountain Hot Springs.

    4. Boulder is beautiful! There are lots of great hiking trails leaving from Chautauqua that are well traveled and give you beautiful views. The Boulder creek trail is also beautiful if you’re looking for a paved path through town. Enjoy the dry air and sunshine!

  8. Sharing some additional hot summer tips I learned from growing up in Korea – regularly 90+ and 80% humidity in the summer – and a lot of homes didn’t have AC back in the 90’s:

    – Soft burlap flat sheets. We used very thin and soft sheet of burlap instead of duvet for covers on hot nights, and it would stay cool the whole night. Not sure if you can get your hands on the very soft versions of these in Europe but might be worth looking. Very thin and breathable linen sheets might work just as well.

    – Sleep in cotton or thin linen shorts and loose tank tops rather than full pajamas

    – Keep a fan pointed to a wall close to the bed so the wind flow is reflected off the wall onto the bed, if you don’t like having a fan pointed directly at you while you sleep. Keeps you from getting too cold / dry from the fan. Vornado air circulators are great for creating air flow if outside air is much cooler than inside.

    – Korean cool mats. It’s a flat mat you place over the sheets, filled with water gel type material that absorbs heat from your body.
    Here’s an example: http://global.11st.co.kr/product/SellerProductDetail.tmall?method=getSellerProductDetail&prdNo=1255375082#

    – Evaporative air coolers (usually on wheels) that have water compartments with stick-in ice packs. Slightly cooler air than normal fans without the need for AC vents. Something like this (not recommending this specifically but it’s the general idea): https://www.amazon.com/Evaporative-Air-Cooler-43-70%C2%B0Oscillation/dp/B0925T168F/ref=sr_1_18?dchild=1&keywords=best+air+cooler&qid=1627652930&sr=8-18

    2. It’s me, thanks for these ideas! I’ll see if my local MUJI might have these kinds of sheets. Genius idea on the cool mat.

  9. For those of you who are getting treatment for dry eyes, how severe were your symptoms? Did you try drops first and they failed you?

    My dry eye symptoms seem to happen only at night, but they are crazy painful. It is like my cornea is being torn off my eyeball. Do you have a favorite night time eye drop/gel you use? FYI – I don’t wear contacts.

    2. following because this is a problem for me as well. I have some gel eyedrops that I use before bed that help, but it’s not great. It’s only a problem when I sleep, which apparently is an indicator that the issue might actually be that my eyes are partly open while I sleep. My doc suggested sleeping with an eye mask on as a way of minimizing that but I couldn’t get used to it so I’m just kind of dealing. Also not a contacts wearer.

      1. Thanks for sharing your experience. Really helps. I wondered if my eyes were cracking open during sleep. Initially I thought I was poking my eyes when I was asleep but realized that did not make sense and the pain was too long lasting. Eye mask is a great idea.

        Like you, I was kind of dealing… tried eye drops, but geez… they are hard to put in! I waste so much trying to hit my eyeball. Which gel drops are you using now? Any tricks for getting them in your eyes?

        Anyone have a favorite soft eye mask they recommend?

          1. +1. This sounds incredibly severe and I’m baffled OP hasn’t rushed to the doctor already. It is NOT NORMAL to have “crazy painful” dry eyes that are “long lasting” and only at night. You could legitimately go blind!

        2. Tip for inserting eye drops for anyone who finds the “tilt your head back and hover over your eye with a bottle” method to be difficult: look straight into the mirror. Hold the bottle in one hand and use a finger on your other hand to pull down your lower eyelid. Tip the bottle upside down so that a drop starts to come out, and bring that drop in contact with the inside corner of your lower lid. It will go right into your eye. Try not to touch the bottle itself to your lid (just the drop). It’s not the end of the world if it does now and then, but it can be unsanitary.

    3. You need to see an eye doctor. It is not normal to have “crazy painful” dry eyes. You could have a serious problem.

      1. I’m the poster from 10:13 and this is the gel I was talking about.

        And I do the same thing – kind of push down firmly on my eye at each corner. The problem is that sometimes I forget and then it’s real painful until I get some eye drops in there!

    5. My optometrist has me using the “Bruder” hot eye compress. I cannot believe how much it helps. You leave it on for ten minutes and it melts all the lipids that are supposed to keep your eyes from drying out. Then your eyes are blurry for a while afterward as the lipids settle.

      Blink has a good bedtime eye drop that is basically the same idea but it uses a microplastic film instead.

      1. Same. Apparently my lipids, which are supposed to be like olive oil, are more like peanut butter. The warm compress helps a lot.

      2. My optometrist told me that warm compresses were good for people who had just have dry eyes (like you and OP, it sounds like), but likely to make things worse for people who also have itchy eyes, just FYI for anyone else that applies to. If you have itchy eyes, you should also use one of the allergy drops, in addition to lubricating drops.

        1. Oh. I actually also use preservative-free Alaway during allergy season. Maybe the optometrist didn’t mention it since I was already on allergy drops beforehand! I haven’t experienced increased itching with the warm compress though; it seems to have helped. I think for me the itchiness was partly allergies and partly just the dryness.

          1. Ha! He did also tell me to try cold compresses, and then just said to go with whatever worked best, so if it’s working for you, then that’s all that matters. Just wanted to let people know that apparently heat can also be an irritant for some people with allergies.

    6. Hi! I don’t have regular dry eyes, but it is about to be peak allergy season for me and my eyes are always horribly affected. My optometrist prescribed some eye drops for me to use (olopatadine), but she also specifically said NOT to use Vizine and to try something like the linked ones instead. I had no idea that Vizine is drying, so sharing in case it helps you to learn that!

      https://www.target.com/p/refresh-tears-moisture-drops-for-dry-eyes-2ct-1-fl-oz/-/A-11123618#lnk=sametab

      1. Just saw your response about not being able to get it in your eyes…stare at the ceiling and squeeze the dropper at the corner of your eye. From there it will be easy to roll your head around until it slips in, even if you miss.

    7. I have crazy dry eyes and my optometrist did a test to see how quickly my tears evaporate. Normal is 10+ seconds, mine was 4 seconds. She prescribed me some eye drops (Xiidra). I also have systane gel eye drops that might it slightly more bearable at night. I’m going to an ophthalmologist in September, which was the earliest I could get in.

    8. Thanks for your very helpful responses. I have ordered the gel drops, the eye warming mask and have better strategies for getting those darn drops in my eyes. I will try to remember to massage my eyelids before I open them in the morning…. I think I was actually starting to do this without realizing it, so thanks for the reminder.

      Thanks so much all of you!!

  10. Could someone remind me of the company everyone likes for cookies? Looking to send my nephew a celebratory cookie bouquet but need it to be guaranteed nut-free.

  11. How much do I tip movers?

    (small 3 bedroom house, moving a mile down the road, employees are real employees of a moving company)

    1. I am all over the comments today (slow Friday) but $20 each seems pretty standard for local moves in my area.

      2. I think that’s similar to what I did when I hired movers to move me within my apartment building (so no truck for them to drive, but all the heavy lifting of it)

    3. In NYC, I think about 10% of the quoted price is standard and what I usually have done. For my 2 bedroom move, it worked out to about $120 split amongst the guys who came. Doing a set amount each feels weird to me — some moving companies send 2 or 3 guys, some send 6 to do the same move.

    4. I do $40-50 each. It may seem like a lot, but it’s not really that much extra to me in the grand scheme of things and could be a lot of money to them. Movers work hard and it’s a multi-hour job.

    5. In addition to a monetary tip, I’ve always made sure we have a flat of bottled water and snacks out for them. Sometimes donuts when they first arrive and/or lunch fixings depending on the time of day. It always seems appreciated because movers seem to never take breaks. At least in my region. They all typically just want to get done as soon as they can. I tend to wonder if they’re paid per job versus per hour.

    6. I tipped $20 each and we only had them move a small amount of furniture, no boxes or household items. For a larger move I’d say $50 if you can afford it, maybe more if there are lots of stairs. I detest moving with every fiber of my being, so good movers are worth their wait in gold. Also plenty of cold water/Gatorade.

    7. Just tipped $100 per mover this week, but it was about 100 degrees, awful humidity, 3 flights of stairs, and a mom & pop operation that charged less than half of what I anticipated (and did a great job).

  12. I’m noticing new online clothing brands with pants that have adjustable hems, which sounds fantastic to me since I wouldn’t have to get them shortened (petite) and could alternate between a trouser hem and an ankle hem. Except they all seem to be sold out. Has anyone tried one of these pants or have a suggestion on where to buy them (Elizabeth & Clarke is the ad that keeps popping up on my social media stream, but they’re sold out in my size)?

    1. Mm La Fleur has a lot of these. I had a pair of Foster pants and liked the feature. They ran small (10 felt like a 6).

    2. I have a pair of jeans that I actually bought on ThredUp and didn’t realize at the time, but the previous owner had added snaps to the hem to perform this function (I had the same pair already so I know they didn’t come this way). I loved it! So it wouldn’t work for all shapes/fabrics, but you might be able to DIY it too.

  13. Perhaps this is a rabbit hole, but I was thinking last night about how different the pandemic would have looked if kids were hit hard by it (and thank goodness they were not — I know there’s nuance there, but in general). Do you think that we would have collectively gotten our act together to “protect the innocent” or would it just have been the same?

    1. There was some interesting comments on Reddit about comparing it to Polio. Although now we have a completely different media and access to (mis)information, some commenters were saying that the vaccine was so widely accepted because of how tragic it was for parents to see their children paralyzed or worse.

    2. I think things would’ve likely been better, but Delta and future variants will be the real test. How will people behave if transmission to their children is MUCH easier? The CDC’s internal report says the Delta variant is as contagious as chickenpox and vaccinated people are spreading it too. That’s a gamechanger and I hope we see behavior change.

    3. Just the same. Kids aren’t moneymakers, either. If society really cared about the next generation in general (as opposed to maybe their own kids), we’d have fully funded schools, universal healthcare, childcare, etc.
      Any additional efforts on behalf of kids would only be so their parents could return to work.

    4. I think it would have been the same. A lot of people just don’t care about the innocent or vulnerable members of society.
      We haven’t seen any substantial movement on g u n reform since children were brutally killed and harmed at Sandy Hook elementary. It still brings me to tears just thinking about it. And all of the senseless mass shootings since then.

    5. We didn’t get our act together after Sandy Hook. Different example but also not that different. If that didn’t lead to lasting change, I don’t know what will.

    6. I wonder this, too. Part of me thinks we would’ve gotten on top of it earlier, but my faith in humanity is at an all-time low, so who’s to say that would’ve panned out?

    7. I’ve thought about this a lot. I think, at first, we would have done even more, and maybe it would have been enough. But humans have a really hard time thinking of tragedy in statistics, and honestly, I don’t think people would have been any more moved once the numbers crossed 100,000 deaths. People with children would have done more to protect their own children, just like high-risk adults are doing now. Sadly, though, I think people without children would have continued living their best lives, blaming parents for having the children in the first place, and politicizing everything about the pandemic. Even now, while children aren’t dying from Covid, people are happy to ignore the fact that they’ve basically missed a year of school, rates of child abuse are way up, and many children are suffering from anxiety and depression.

      1. Purely anecdotal, but I (single, no kids) and my similarly situated friends have followed guidance (and been the ones coming to the office while others worked from home due to online schooling etc. Sucks, but thems the breaks) while the folks with kids didn’t want to deprive their kids of all the socialization, activities, birthday parties, etc.
        Your second to last sentence is gross.

        1. Yes, pure anecdata, but my friends and I have been far, far more cautious than the families with children around us. That second to last sentence is offensive to those of us who have gone above and beyond with our precautions while watching big ole families out there just living life, because it assumes that childless = irresponsible instead of understanding that selfish and/or stupid = irresponsible.

          2. Yea – single and childless here and as a healthy person, my whole goal this entire time has been to do what I can to protect others.

        2. The hate for childfree people that second last sentence is….yikes. Parents are the majority, they aren’t some opressed fringe group.

          1. It is offensive, but last year when schools and daycares were closing, there were multiple posts on this board blaming parents for not planning for childcare.

          2. There’s a difference between resigning yourself yet again to working longer hours, being in the office, etc, because the parents can’t (failure of the US culture that makes this the outcome) and blaming parents. They are not the same thing.

        4. I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to say that mostly childless adults are acting this way, though I absolutely see that I typed it that way. I meant that Covid has continued to spread largely because of the attitudes some people, including plenty of parents, have toward the vulnerable in our society when it does not directly affect them. I’m sure we’ve all heard people say things along the lines of, “Well, the elderly and high-risk should just stay home forever while the rest of us go on with our lives,” and lots of comments blaming people who are high risk for their own conditions (smoking, obesity, etc.). If, hypothetically, children were the vulnerable ones, some families who have been out and about likely would have stayed indoors, but the people who were so callous toward the elderly and high-risk adults would probably have been equally callous toward children, or any other group that wasn’t them or their immediate family.

    8. Well, society hasn’t done a great job of getting its act together to protect kids from other threats. People with the resources to do so protect their own kids, but kids are incredibly vulnerable in general.

    9. I live in a state where most people never made a single change in their behavior since the pandemic started, and are not vaccinated now. They do not see this virus as a threat, period. Maybe there would be a small percentage of people who would try to protect their own kids more if kids were more affected, but the situation would not be that different.

    10. I think it would have been very different. 40% of American households include minor children, and parents feel a degree of responsibility for their children’s welfare that they do not feel for the welfare of other adults. And people do make, subconsciously or consciously, different decisions based on the greater value that they assign to someone with 70 years of life ahead of them vs. someone with 5-10 years of life ahead of them. People do that even then they’re the person with 5-10 years of life ahead of them (see: my 75-year-old parents who were never fulled “bubbled” during the early pandemic because they felt like they didn’t want to spend the final years of their lives not seeing their kids).

  14. I’ve never been to a therapist before but think I need one now. How do you pick a good therapist (from the list of providers that your insurance accepts)? How do you know someone is “good” or the right match for you? Do you just have to go to a bunch before you find the right one? I don’t really want to ask for a recommendation from a friend. I just don’t want to waste time going to someone who is not going to be right for me. Like, for example, I would prefer a woman who is at least my age and has children. Is it ok to ask that?

    1. Go to Psychology Today and filter by insurance and your parameters. Beyond that, no, there’s no way to guarantee a fit.

    2. You can probably find some info about each therapist online. I started looking for a therapist for the first time this past spring and started through my insurance website to find one that was in network. Then I looked at the website for each of them and was able to weed some out that way. Some were religious based, and I’m not. Most of them had biographical information on there. Otherwise, unfortunately, it’s a lot of trial and error. I saw one for a few weeks before deciding we weren’t a good match. It seemed like she was telling me what to do too often instead of helping me figure out how to determine what to do. And she made certain comments that gave me the side eye such as in our very first session telling me that I needed to play hard to get with my husband because men like the chase…. Umm, I’m too old for games and certainly not willing to play games with my own husband. The second therapist I saw was a much better fit for me. She was a lot more understanding and helped me decide where I wanted to set my own boundaries and how to make those decisions for myself.

    3. I don’t really know how strange it would be to ask about kids; you can often figure out age (or at least experience) from when somebody got their degrees. I have heard that people are often surprised that the therapist who is best for them isn’t one they would have guessed demographically, so it may help to be openminded… but I think I would struggle with seeing someone too much younger than me too!

      At some point, I would also narrow down by what kind of therapy you’re looking for. Cognitive behavioral therapy? (Helpful for negative thought spirals, behavioral change, motivation, bad habits, etc.) Dialectical behavioral therapy? (Helpful for developing stronger boundaries, managing difficult relationships, regulating emotions.) Insight oriented therapy? Trauma informed therapy or EMDR? Different kinds of therapy are better for different kinds of goals, and that will narrow down providers quite a lot!

    4. There isn’t a great way to filter ahead of time for the specific criteria you listed, but you can absolutely do an initial “get to know you” appointment without committing to seeing them further. When I was doing this several years ago, I got down to a short list of 3 and then did initial visits with all 3. I told them all what I was doing upfront so they knew what to expect.

      I also wrote out a short (1 page) list of things I wanted to make sure we went over in that initial visit, a combo of relevant background and goals, as well as questions about their therapeutic approach. The list was helpful for keeping the session focused and making sure I had enough info for choosing which one to continue working with.

      I did in-person visits, since telehealth wasn’t as widely available at the time. I would still recommend doing that if you are comfortable with it. I think it’s easier to get a sense of whether you have good rapport with them if you’re in person. However, if you’re primarily interested in telehealth sessions then it might be beneficial to do that for the initial visit as well. Some providers are great in-person but not so good in telehealth sessions, so if telehealth is important to you then it’s best to find that out early on.

      Good luck, I hope you find someone you click with quickly!

    5. Honestly it’s like dating. They might sound like a good fit on paper but when you interact in real life they turn out to be a bad fit, or vice versa. In my case I had avoided pastoral counselors because I’m not religious but it turned out my therapist can also do non faith-based counseling, and we’ve really hit it off. Get recommendations and try a few out. There’s no fool proof way to go about this.

  15. Can anyone recommend a good tailor in Manhattan, for resizing clothing after a weight loss?

    1. F&R Bespoke Tailor has done impeccable work for me. The shop looks geared towards men (lots of customs suits) but the tailor has reshaped multiple dresses for my curvy body. Highly recommend!

  16. I hope you’ll allow me a miniature vent. I’ve been struggling for ages to concentrate on the reading I want/need to do for my job and recently discovered the text to speech functionality within Microsoft Edge (our standard browser)…. And then we have had an announcement that all external browsing is going to go through a super secure browser instead, which if it does have TTS won’t be anywhere near as good. It’s incredibly grating to discover a workaround/tool and then near instantly have it removed.
    Guess I’ll be copying and pasting into Word to use the Speech feature there (which is also not as good as the Edge one)

    1. Edge has text-to-speech??
      I know the feeling you’re describing and it is indeed SO frustrating, but thank you for that tip.

    2. I’m sorry, that’s really annoying. I also struggle with reading / writing essay and speech to text / text to speech is immensely helpful

  17. Anyone want to share the worst professional advice you’ve ever gotten?

    When I was in academics, as a complete Nobody postdoc looking for a permanent job, a respected professor told me about someone in the field who was, you know, pretty old. He advised me to cold e-mail that person’s department and say that I was a big fan of Dr. X, “long may he live,” (yes, those words), but that he might be retiring soon, so I wanted them to consider me for his position. The guy even dictated this hypothetical email to me verbally, including paragraph breaks.

    1. All the worst advice comes from academia. I was advised not to adopt my husband’s last name–not to resist patriarchy in some way, but because my maiden name is Anglo and my husband’s last name is Italian (heaven forbid!).

      1. I misread Anglo as Angelo and was confused as to why husband’s Italian last name was bad and yours wasn’t!

    2. Lots of sexist advice and I’ve overheard but not experienced lots of racist advice, like “natural hair is unprofessional.” It’s hard to think of a time I’ve been given bad advice that could also have been given to a white man.

    3. here’s a few: (1) curly hair is unprofessional so you will need to straighten it (2) no one will hire you if you wear bright colored shell under navy suit to interview (3) you’re new, so key to success is getting everyone to like you first (4) they will take you more seriously if you wear more makeup (5) don’t talk too fast and don’t let them know you’re from the Northeast (6) even though they disinvited you from the meeting, you should just show up unannounced and attend….I’ll think of more, there is so much bad advice

  18. I posted a few weeks back about whether to leave my product management job before my 401k match vested and got so much great advice. I started interviewing and am considering taking an offer–it would be a promotion, 20% pay raise + bonus (which I don’t get at my current job), and I negotiated a signing bonus that covers my unvested funds! However, this is my first time switching jobs in a while and I’m fairly early in my career so wanted to throw out some things that are giving me pause to see if any of them raise red flags for you all:

    1) It’s a start up, which I like, but I’m currently at a F50 company. I talked to a mentor about it and he raised a good point that my current company carries a lot of weight on my resume, and to think about the optics of how it looks to go from a huge company to a small one.
    2) They don’t have a 401k option yet–I was told that it’s a high priority to have one set up by the end of the year, but I’m a little nervous about this as I’ve always had a 401k.
    3) The hiring manager is going on mat leave any day now–we’re trying to have some overlap but she will be gone for at least the first 3 months. I’d be reporting into the CEO until she returns.
    4) I already know the answer to this is yes, but is it normal to feel SO scared that you’re going to end up being terrible at a new job? One of the strongest things pulling me towards staying where I’m at is the reassurance that I know I do a good job here.

    Any other job switching/offer consideration advice is very much welcome, and thanks again to all the commenters who helped me make the decision to start looking in the first place.

    1. My thoughts:
      1) I went from a larger law firm to a smaller law firm. My years at the larger firm still give me clout, even though I haven’t worked there in ages.
      2) I would not like this, but not a dealbreaker given the raise, bonus potential, and signing bonus. Maybe look into IRA options so that you are still growing your retirement savings while they set it up.
      3) I see this opportunity to impress the CEO and make a great reputation for yourself.
      4) Very normal.

    2. A startup when you’re early career is one of the best moves you can make. F500 is great for mid career/later stage but you can learn and grow. Don’t make early decisions based around retirement plans – get experience to move up and make more money over time. Save and all that but retirement plans should not be driving career decisions early on.

    3. 1) I left a large law firm and am now in an entirely different industry – it’s still on my resume and still gives me clout.
      2) Look into an IRA in the meantime so that you don’t lose out on retirement savings in the meantime.
      3) Opportunity to develop a great relationship with CEO, beware of transition pains when hiring manager comes back, but not a reason to walk away
      4) 100% normal

    4. 1) I think you either love working at a start-up or hate it. I’m firmly in the hate it camp. All that “creativity” just feels like “chaos” to my order-loving self.

      2) Eeugh. Worrisome. Do you live in a state that has a state Automatic IRA program? Top of mind, Oregon calls theirs OregonSaves – there are a couple other states with them. Your employer will set up a payroll withdrawal to a state-run IRA (low overhead costs compared to individual-individual ones). Maybe Mass, California, and Illinois have them too?

      3) The hiring manager is also your boss? Are you going into an HR role? Or is your boss wearing two hats, HR manager and something else? I think it’ll be difficult to transition bosses when you’ve developed one sense of bearings, but just don’t get too comfortable knowing you’ll have to transition soon.

      4) I normally feel excited and determined going into a new job, not scared. There’s a bit of nervousness, but it’s more like the start of a new school year feeling – a fresh start, etc.

      1. Re: 3, in my experience
        – Hiring manager = person who is hiring vs.
        – Recruiter (HR)= managing the hiring process

    5. Good for you! I remember your post and am happy for you.

      I left my job at a F50 company ten years ago and am still getting a boost from having it on my resume. Just because you worked at a big-name company doesn’t mean you need to stay there forever and, in fact, leaving can let you pursue additional things (better pay, new skills) that will do more to grow your career.

      As a previous poster said, think about an IRA or other retirement funds. The lack of a 401K is a yellow flag that says HR or systems generally at the startup are not well established. But I don’t think that’s a showstopper. And yeh, temporarily reporting to the CEO is a good thing!

      It’s normal to heavily question whether to make the move. And especially because it’s a startup you have a good built-in reason to leave for a new job after about a year if things don’t work out; it’s easy to talk about lack of funding or scaled-back earnings as a reason to pursue other opportunities. That’s a silver lining. I have worked at start-ups and at F50 companies, and this combo is looked upon as a positive thing in tech, where I work. I say I know how to be nimble and scrappy in ambiguous environments, and I also have deep experience managing complex, enterprise, global projects.

      Remember, there are risks to taking the job, but there are risks to saying no to it, too. Good luck!

    6. 1) how long have you been at the F50 company? If under two years, I would wonder if the transition to start up came because you were managed out. If over 2 years or with a promotion on record, this concern goes away.
      Also: Be wary of the bonus. Try to get higher base pay. Startup compensation structures are subject to change at will. And vet their finances: How are they funded? series A, B, C? How much money do they have left? You’re not going to get a 401(k) I’d they fail in a year.
      Signed, leery of startups due to family experience, yet they can be awesome if you vet them well.

  19. Looking for interview outfit help and sharing general excitement. I posted before about leaving public accounting. I’m on final round/2nd to last interview rounds. One I’d be okay with for a year or two, the other I’m excited for but trying to not get too ahead of myself before I have an offer in hand. The one I’m excited for is inviting me to a half day in office round, so far it’s all been remote calls. Remote call outfits have all been suit jacket and a shell/blouse.(I have all season black and grey suits, and a killer interview/formal dress for winter and fall but not warmer months)

    The industry and day to day office tend to be on the more casual side of business casual. Waiting to talk to the recruiter again for a confirmed time and day, that’s when I plan to ask about dress, but –

    Outfit ideas? I also just got my bonus( so I’d be open to a bit of a treat yourself purchase if you have any ideas). Finding something in store is possible if I need to this weekend. I have nordstrom, banana republic, loft, etc near me.

      1. In the chicago area, roles are financial services/tech industry where day to day you see everything from flip flops and faded t shirts to a step below formal suits.

        1. Perfect! I’m in Financial Services in Chicago. I think if you do a suit (either is great but if it gets really hot again, maybe grey) and then take the jacket off (because it’s still warm), that could be appropriate. If you want to buy new things, maybe a Jcrew Going out jacket or another cool blazer with non matching pants and shell or a dress? Or a mm lafleur jardigan or etsuko or emily dress with a cool necklace? Good news is in that kind of environment you really can’t go too wrong but I think full suit without the ability to take off the jacket for a more casual vibe might be overkill. Good luck!!

  20. Very specific q but is anyone very into finding flights and want to help a stranger out? Due to the passport drama, I need to leave Boston on August 13th and be in Split Croatia by 3pm August 14th. Haven’t found anything that makes this work so far so throwing it out there!

    1. I use Google flights for this. Looks like almost $1000 one way but you have an option…
      https://www.google.com/travel/flights/booking?tfs=CBwQAhpzagwIAxIIL20vMDFjeF8SCjIwMjEtMDgtMTNyDQgDEgkvbS8wMWdfazMiHwoDQk9TEgoyMDIxLTA4LTEzGgNGUkEqAkxIMgM0MjMiHwoDRlJBEgoyMDIxLTA4LTE0GgNTUFUqAk9VMgM0MTNAAEgXUABYDnABggELCP___________wFAAUgBmAEC&tfu=CnRDalJJY1dZMVVUUjBWbkF3VUVWQlFuTndiV2RDUnkwdExTMHRMUzB0ZVhOaVluQXhNMEZCUVVGQlIwVkZTWGxSUzA5U04wRkJFZ3RNU0RReU0zeFBWVFF4TXhvTENJN3JCUkFDR2dOVlUwUTRISENPNndVPRIGCAEQABgA

        2. Oh – and do look up the Covid registration / test requirements for Frankfurt for “in transit” passengers!

          2. I will disagree on the “avoid at all costs” checked bag point because the itinerary I linked has a 4+ hours layover, but for tighter connections agreed!

          3. I agree 100 % in principle – that is absolutely normally the case, but not necessarily this particular summer, due to Covid.

            There’s currently a lot of Covid-related rules and delays changing by the week throughout Europe, and 4 hours could be eaten up very quickly due to random changes to testing, queuing to have vaccine certificate inspected etc. depending on local rules, and departure country covid rates.

            If a traveller from the US at that time doesn’t need to formally enter Germany as part of the transit,though, I think checked luggage will be safe, travelling with Lufthansa through a Lufthansa hub.

    2. I think you can get a Lufthansa flight from Logan at 17:50 with a 4 hour wait in Frankfurt and further flight with Croatia Airlines to Split airport by 13.05. Go to the Lufthansa page and see if it will work for you!

      Swissair also has an option leaving 21:50 from Boston Logan Int., but VERY tight connection in Zurich, only 40 min., so might be risky, check with them?

      2. +1 on Lufthansa 7451 BOS to IAD, then Lufthansa 419 IAD to FRA, then Lufthansa 6004 FRA to SPU. Looks like you can also book the itinerary thru United.

    5. Just a general comment added on from one of the flight-search-happy-people above:

      This sort of journey is what the big air alliances are great for. In this case, Star Alliance with Lufthansa is the best one, but it could have been any of the three big ones.

      Star Alliance (Air Canada and United), Oneworld (American Airlines, Canadian Airlines) and SkyTeam (Delta).

      Check the one you’re a frequent flyer with first (or become a member), and you normally get partner flights as options. If anything goes wrong, it’s so much easier if all the legs of your journey is with the same alliance, because they can rebook you on any of the others.

  21. Not really a spoiler but about the Olympics:

    I loved what the coach of the Netherlands women’s soccer team was wearing today! It looked like a white tee shirt, necklace, and navy blazer. I’m trying to find a picture, but anyway it was a chic sidelines look!

  22. NYC ‘rettes: what would you do on a weeklong staycation in the city? I’ll be visiting family later this summer, and I have been to the city many times and have ‘done’ all the main tourist things. Thanks a lot!

  23. Given some of our recent threads about elderly relatives/difficult relatives/etc. I just have to share. Sorry for the stream of consciousness. It has been a sleepless 48 hours.

    Years ago Dad and Uncle sat Grandma down and basically tried to make her sell her house and move into City (different state; 3 hour drive; where they live). Did the whole “you are getting too old to live here by yourself; we are not going to take care of you; what is your plan” talk. But their approach was to speak to her as if she was a toddler and they were the adults. Grandma – getting older and frailer but sharp as a tack – told them to f* off without ever raising her voice or using profanity. (“A lady should never.”) As an aside her house is an OLD, OLD, OLD farmhouse she inherited from her parents but in good shape and on land that would be worth a $$$ if developed.

    My sister – who lives closer to Grandma – was outraged and stepped up. I should note here that for complicated reasons she and Grandma were very close and Grandma approved of sister (teacher, married, kids, cooks, sews, gardens, goes to church). Sister and her husband took care of Grandma, drove her to appointments, mowed her lawn/took care of house (my BIL is a contractor), did her shopping, and basically waited on her hand and foot. Dad and Uncle visited but essentially refused to do anything to actually help (and were fairly angry at sister because “this is not sustainable.”) I would go once a year and stay for 9 days so my sister could go on vacation. And you could not have paid me to do what she did the rest of the year.

    Grandma died last week. True to form, it was on her terms. She had cancer, refused anything except palliative care, died in her bed in her house. And she left the house and all the land in a trust to Sister, a smaller bequest to me and my cousin (who also helped when he could) and zilch to my Dad and Uncle (who expected but did not need it). And I am trying very hard not to cackle like a maniac at her visitation because this was her to the end.

    She was an awesome lady who took no sh*t, got kicked by life more than once and always got back up, was tough but always fair, often rigid but never hypocritical. She hated Donald Trump with a passion because he was vulgar, did not understand modern gender and sexual identity politics at all but always said who other people went to bed with was none of her business unless it was her husband or her pastor, and loved her children but did not particularly like being a mother. And my baby sister gets to be the 4th generation to raise children in that house and will never let them cut down the maple trees so I am happy and crying at the same time.

    1. I am so sorry for your loss – and thank you for sharing your grandmother with us! She sounds like a wonderful, fiercely independent woman and someone I would really like to have known. How lucky you were to have her as your grandmother!

    2. I love this. Hugs to you, and I am bowing down to your sister and very happy that for once justice has prevailed and she is being rewarded for her efforts!

    4. I am so sorry for your loss, but this is an amazing story about your grandmother.

    5. I’m very sorry for your loss but I also understand where your dad and uncle were coming from. There is nothing in my home town. My elderly retired parents live there. At some point, they are going to have to stop driving. We have offered to move them to our state, 3 hours away. They could live with us or we would buy/rent them a place. We’ve tried to get them to move to somewhere that’s more age friendly. They are still in a multistory house despite each having suffered falls.

      I don’t think it is fair of them to expect one of their kids to give up a career to move home, where again, there is nothing, to care for them in their preferred location. If they need something, we still drive down to help, but we won’t be there for the day to day stuff your sister handled.

      1. This is where I fall. I’ve posted before about trying to find remote work due to being stuck in BFE doing long-term eldercare. My salary is crap, my career trajectory is stagnant, and my retirement will be delayed by more than a decade.

        Expecting your kids to sacrifice their future to cater to your whims in old age is selfish and short-sighted. OP has a heart-warming story because she did little to no sacrificing herself.

        1. I am sorry you feel trapped and angry. I would probably feel the same if I had been forced to move back to/stay in my home town to take care of an elderly family member.

          But please also understand that I have a heartwarming story because Grandma never required full time care. I realize this situation would be different if she did. She needed someone to drive her places 2-3 times a week and do her grocery shopping, plus spend a few hours a week doing heavier things around the house and keeping her company (at least until a few months ago when she was literally dying). And because my sister (who lives closest but who Dad and Uncle never consulted) was perfectly happy to do those things. It helped that my BIL is great person who thinks family is the most important thing in the world.

          I have spent one of my two weeks of vacation with Grandma for the past 5 years. My cousin did the same. I lived with her (since I was working remotely) for six weeks earlier this year while she was sick. My sister did waaaaay more and I will be grateful forever. And I would not say I sacrificed. I know because we stayed up late last night with a bottle of wine and a lot of tears talking about it that my sister did not view it as a sacrifice either. We would say we did our duty by a woman who did her duty toward her own parents and parents-in-law and husband and children and grandchildren. A woman who would have taken any of us in for any reason and for any length of time (and sometimes did), and who I loved and admired even while finding her tiring.

          My point (other than just to say my Grandma was an amazing, difficult, kind, petty, smart, contradictory and wonderful person) was that no one size fits all. And (maybe) that we should treat our elderly family members the way we hope our own children and grandchildren will treat us.

    6. I’m so sorry for your loss, and it sounds like your grandma was very special. Also, it’s wonderful the house is staying in the family with people who want it!

      Also, I was your sister in this scenario, to some extent. My grandparent and my uncle had not gotten along well for years, and my uncle stopped pitching in at all. A cousin and I cared for grandparent until they passed last year. Uncle was cut out of the will, and cousin and I got everything (there wasn’t much at all, but still). This has caused tremendous resentment to the point that cousin and I have basically been cut out of family functions except with his immediate family. I don’t think my uncle will ever speak to me again. I understand why my grandparent did this and support the decision, but just be aware that it can cause issues, and deep resentments and hurts might surface.

      1. Thank you. I am sorry for your loss and admire your willingness to step up! Fortunately my Dad and Uncle – while they have their flaws – acknowledge the benefits of keeping the house in the family, while they would have sold it in a heartbeat. Dad started to say something and I cut him off pretty quickly with a “are you KIDDING me right now?” Cousin gushed to his father at length about how great this all was. The cousins are a united front and our parents are powerless against us!

    7. I love this story and that your Grandma got to live the rest of her life on her terms. She was very fortunate to have your sister! And you!

    8. I’m sorry for your loss but it sounds like your grandma had a great life. We should all be so lucky. And so happy your sister will get to live in the house and keep the trees.

  24. Regarding the post above about friends, I am somewhat to very different than many of my closest girlfriends in our friend group, and we have always just accepted our differences and have remained friends without issues.

    But I think something about the pandemic and forced isolation has made it harder to get back into our friendship groove. We started out zooming and texting, and then people said they were sick of zoom meeting from work so we just texted, and then the texts became less frequent.

    When we were finally able to see each other in person it was sort of …. prickly I guess. Not super comfortable, one friend was snapping at everyone and taking everything the wrong way, another was clearly just not into being there. This is a > 20 year friend group so it’s painful to think it has finally run its course.

    Another casualty of the pandemic I guess. These are my closest friends – I do have other friends but these are my confidants – and it sucks.

    1. There might be more to this you haven’t shared, but I’d maybe give it another shot before throwing in the towel. I know that my social skills are a little rusty.

      1. This. But also, in my close friend group of three, one is handling the pandemic very differently and we’re triangulating (as groups of three tend to do). I’m not going to drop her as a friend but she’s shown where her priorities lie and I’ll keep that in mind in the future. Hope this is helpful. Also, it’s ok to mourn friendships not being what they once were.

        1. PS the differences aren’t political. It’s mainly that I’m married with kids and they aren’t, and before you say married friends drift, I’m the one putting all the effort into making sure we get together regularly.

        2. It does suck when friendships change and people show up differently then they have in the past. End stop for that thought, I’m not at all discounting that.

          But perhaps reframe the thinking that the friend group as “run the course”….if you can let go of the idea that it should be what it used to be pre-covid (and I totally get that it is not easy!) and change it to the idea that your friendship just changing and now entering a new different season. It’s going to look and interact different, but you can still maintain the emotional attachment of friendship despite the differences. And then in 5 or 10 years, maybe it’ll look different again and you’ll interact more closely.

          For example, my best friend and I have been best friends from the age of 4. However in middle school and high school, we remained close but our circle grew larger and we weren’t each other’s #1 best friend. In college years, we were in different places and went several years where we would only touch base every now and then. Then early 20s, we both moved closer to each other and now 10+ years later we are super close/text ever day/legit best friends. We say we’ve been best friends since we were 4, but it evolved and looked different in different seasons.

  25. For work, I have to attend a large conference/ trade show in a few weeks. It is in my home state, which has horrible vaccination rates and I am going to assume the crowd (based on the industry) may not have high rights either. This is the biggest (~5k) event I’ve attended since December 2019. I am vaccinated and plan on taking all the precautions – mask, sanitize, distance as much as possible.

    I would like to get tested when I get home – how long should I wait to go? The conference ends on a Thursday – do I get test immediately on Friday, wait until the weekend? 16 months into this, you’d think I would know but this by now…

    1. Wait 3-4 days after your last exposure to ensure your test isn’t too early. So, probably Monday morning.

      1. +1 Delta variant has a faster incubation period than OG covid, but still has a few days incubation period.

        1. Agree. Also, isolate before you test and until you get results. Lots of doordash for you!

    2. Don’t go. Can you possibly skip without totally hurting your career? A 5000 person event in a low vaccination state with people unlikely to be vaccinated seems like a bad idea.

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