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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 157 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Jessabel Cloudbreak-Print Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Saloni Jessabel Cloudbreak DressOooh: I had not heard of the brand Saloni before, but I'm liking the designer's flair for colorful prints, beautiful draping, and a general feminine, classic look. This silk shirt dress looks absolutely lovely. It's $579 at Matches.Saloni Jessabel Cloudbreak-Print Dress Here's a more affordable option, and two plus-size picks with vibrant purple patterns, as well. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. anon for this

    I’m looking for advice: how do you deal with a colleague who is well past retirement age but does not retire? His work performance has declined dramatically but firing is not an option. Thanks.

    • AIMS

      I am not trying to be snarky, but why is this something you have to deal with? Obviously, anytime you work with someone who does less than stellar work that can affect you in direct and indirect ways, but if you aren’t this person’s supervisor, I don’t think there is any “dealing” to do beyond doing your best to not have it impact your work product. And, of course, there’s always the option of looking for another job. But I work with plenty of people who I consider “subpar” in one way or another and if they don’t work below me, there’s not a whole lot I can do about any of it. And, age, incidentally, doesn’t usually have anything to do with it in my experience.

      • Diana Barry

        +1. Unless it affects your work, you can’t and shouldn’t do anything. If it affects your work, you should go to your boss and/or to the person directly and talk about ways to improve etc. etc.

    • Anon

      If his work impacts your work (ie he reports to you or you share responsibilities), then you handle it the same way you would handle any other non-performing individual.

      If his work doesn’t impact your work, you say nothing.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Pricey Monday’s! I love pricey monday’s and this dress, Kat! Very styleish! I do like thing’s a bit more conservative, being that I am an attorney at law, and admitted in the State of New York, and I realy need to maintain MY good standeing b/c Mason is NOT admitted and the manageing partner does NOT want to spring for new stationeary until after we move to 3rd Avenue! FOOEY!

      But anyway, as to the OP, you have a dilemna. At my firm there are a few partner’s that bareley show up yet, b/c they were ONCE productive, they continue to draw their partnership share’s even tho they SHOULD have retired long ago and sold their interest’s back to the partnership. Although I am their PARTNER, they are more then a littel lazy, watcheing me work and grunteing as they walk by my office to their own, and then just reading the newspaper or something when they get in. Also, they only show up about 2x a week or so, and often stay in the toilet for hours, makeing even Frank mad, b/c he want’s to be abel to go when he want’s to go, and haveing those old guy’s in there grunteing is NOT very helpful for busness, either. The manageing partner swear’s that he will get them to sell back their share’s when we moove, but I see their name’s on the blueprint’s for the new office, and 2 of them are right next to MY office. The onley good news is that the toilet’s are NOT in the office, and they have to go down the hall to use them! YAY!!

      Myrna finished the marathon, she said in less then 4 hour’s but I onley saw her on First Avenue. I literaly froze my tuchus off waiteing for her, and she said she ran her tuchus off, but she has no real tuchus to begin with so it was NOT anything to noticeabel. Noah wanted to know if Myrna was willeing to meet him afterward’s, but I told him that Myrna was not interested in dateing him b/c I do NOT think dad would want Myrna dateing him then comeing over to my place with the Ebola and everything. That other doctor with the Ebola is still sick in the hospital over 10 day’s and he is also young, so Dad may be right about Noah, if he should ever get sick.

      The manageing partner’s brother keep’s makeing noise in his apartement–his bedroom share’s the same wall as my liveing room, and I have heard loud sexueal sound’s comeing from his bedroom this weekend while I was tryeing to catch up on my NON-LEGAL readeing. I have also seen at least 2 different young ladie’s (mabye 40 year’s old or so)comeing in and out of his apartement, with their own key’s so I am sure he has them over for sex, but they are NOT lawyer’s or anything like that. I think they must be in the music busness b/c they dress with VERY short skirt’s. FOOEY! I am just glad he is NOT still lookeing to me for sex. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • Reix

      I agree with what other commenters said above. Search askamanager.org archives. I am sure she has dealt with this topic.

    • Anonymous

      First , you address your own age bias. Why does it matter how old he is? He is a colleague whose work is not up to standard, just like loads of 30 year olds. Then, you ask yourself if this is your problem. If it is, then you address it.

    • Senior Attorney

      This reminds me of a probably apocryphal story that a judge told me once (and apologies because I’m probably remembering it all wrong): When Oliver Wendell Holmes was the junior justice on the U.S. Supreme Court, his colleagues elected him to approach an elderly colleague and broach the subject of retirement. It did not go well. Many years later, the 90-year-old Holmes was similarly approached by his most junior colleague about the possibility of retirement. “How dare you suggest such a thing!” thundered Holmes. “But… but… you said the same thing to Justice So-and-So back in the day!” said the junior justice. “Yes,” said Holmes. “But I was wrong then and you are wrong now!!”

      My advice? Tread lightly here.

    • anon

      Use your empathy. We all decline from our peak at some point and not everyone is in a position to retire.

      • anon2be

        As anon says, not everyone is in a position to retire and some – like me – feel that retirement in its usual form is too boring. Unless you’re independently wealthy, retirement may be too constraining. And I would bet that by the time today’s 30 year olds are 60-65, most of them won’t “retire” under the old model either.

  2. Body lotion?

    Now that winter-like weather is here I’ve noticed my hands and skin becoming very dry. What is the best non-greasy lotion I can find at a drugstore?

    • (Former) Clueless Summer

      No particular lotion recommendation but for winter dryness I highly recommend oil (jojoba/coconut/fancy oil) followed by any lotion. It actually deals with the dryness – I think the idea is that the oil actually helps with moisture and is “sealed” in by the lotion.

    • NO

      For your hands: Neutrogena hand cream (with the Norwegian flag on it) or Gold Bond Intensive Healing hand cream. Neutrogena is a little sticky at first – I keep it by my bed and layer it on at night. Gold Bond is in my purse to use throughout the day.
      For your body: Alba Botanica Very Emollient Body Lotion – Maximum

      • anonsg

        +1 on the Neutrogena one. I love that hand cream. A tiny bit goes a long way with that one!

    • LilyStudent

      As a multipurpose lotion, I love Nivea Soft. It’s great for travelling.

    • NYNY

      I’m a big fan of Aveeno’s skin relief line. I always have a tube of their hand cream in my bag, and all winter I keep a tub of the body cream by the bed to hit my arms, legs, and feet before sleeping.

    • Mrs. Jones

      O’Keeffe’s Working Hands is the only thing that helps my hands during winter.

      • Calico

        Any tips for dealing with solid oil during the colder months? I don’t want to take the time to soak it in hot water. I also don’t want to reach into the jar with my hands.

        • Medic Maggie

          scoop some out into a smaller jar to then dip your hands into? I’ve always just kept a jar of “body” coconut oil in my bathroom, separate from my cooking coconut oil, and dipped into it whenever. You may even find it’s easier to dispense & spread when it starts out hard.

          • Calico

            Thanks Medic. I’ll bring a little jar into my office. (Former) Clueless Summer, I was specifically looking for solutions for my desk. I work in an open office, so I can’t quite see myself using our communal spoons for my coconut oil every hour.

          • Kensington

            This. Also, the oil I buy from Costco melts faster than the kind in the small jar in most grocery stores.

          • mascot

            CO has a melting point of about 76 degrees so just holding it in your hands should liquefy it quickly.

    • Medic Maggie

      CeraVe (in the tub, not the bottle); Seed body butter; Yes to Carrots body butter

      If all else fails, coconut oil. Or lanolin (like Lansinoh–knead the tube in your hands for a while to warm & soften it up)

    • Anon

      Try putting lotion on right after you shower when your skin is still a little wet – it helps it absorb better. Also I sometimes put oil on top of my lotion which works really well but you have to do it in the evening because it takes a while to absorb.

    • Anonymous

      Honest Co Healing Balm! Can be bought at target, though not sure about drugstores. It saved my hands after they started peeling (gross, i know) from a weekend of hardcore cleaning grout and shampooing carpets and upholstery.

    • Body lotion?

      Thanks for all the help! Silly question, will coconut oil be sold with the body oils or the olive oils? Thanks!

      • Rowan

        I buy mine at a health food shop. If you want something smaller and more portable, the Crabtree and Evelyn hand creams are the best. Their cuticle cream was the only thing that saved my hands during a few years of shelf stacking (always opening dusty boxes is tough on your hands).

    • HaveDryHandsToo

      I love Eucerin Intensive Repair extra-enriched hand creme. Not greasy at all.

  3. AIMS

    This is a gorgeous dress, but I don’t think the less expensive option is in the same league and I’m not sure it would be very work appropriate in most offices. The sides going in (forget what this is called) makes it both shorter and more casual, plus it looks a bit see-through on the model. It’s a cute weekend dress with the right accessories, just wouldn’t wear it to work.

    • anon

      I think that’s why Kat resisted doing the less expensive option for so long, but people really wanted one, so she complied. The fact is that usually there won’t be a less expensive option that is in the same league.

    • LilyStudent

      I agree that the less expensive option isn’t in the same league, or work-appropriate for many of us, but it’s a really cute pick and I would totally get it if I hadn’t already been shopping today for bike parts (and found a really cute cardigan in the LOGG section of H&M)

    • Diana Barry

      Funny, I can’t STAND this dress and I’m not sure why. Maybe because the styling is hideous?

      • MJ

        This dress looks like a bad 1950’s housedress made out of curtains. That’s why you can’t stand it. It’s not a classic shirtdress because of the material. I thought it was maybe April Fool’s again when I saw this. I’m on your side….not a fan.

      • Bonnie

        This dress could be cute with better styling. The ivory pumps definitely scream grandma.

    • NYtoCO

      I completely agree, and also think that the inexpensive option is still far too expensive for the (perceived) quality and style.

    • Bonnie

      I can’t see the less expensive version. These sponsored links are usually blocked by my work computer.

  4. Anonymous

    Thanks to all those who weighed in on my Chromecast question last week! With Prime, it came in time for the weekend’s games and worked great :)

  5. anon

    As I was walking to work this morning I realized my bare legs were just not going to cut it (I was wearing a pencil skirt, trench and scarf, so it was really just my legs that were cold). I stopped at riteaid and picked up 2 pairs of pantyhose. I specifically bought the “B” size even though according to the size chart I could easily fit into the A. I got to my office and put them on- it was a STRUGGLE. They are SO small and hard to get on, and now I’m just uncomfortable (the waistband isn’t bad, just the legs- and my legs are fairly slim). What gives? Do I need to go up 2 sizes? I think that would put me in the largest size? Doesn’t make sense at all, I’m 5’4 and 127 lbs. Has anyone had this problem? or did I just get a dud pair?

    • tesyaa

      Don’t worry about the sizing, just buy what fits. I’m about your size & weight and I have always bought size B. When I was pregnant I wore queen size, and even after giving birth I sometimes grabbed a Q pair by accident and they still fit OK.

      • anon

        interesting- I certainly don’t mind buying a Q size, no vanity here, it just doesn’t make sense and I wonder what plus-size ladies do for hoisery?

        • anon

          yeah I think I’m putting them on right. I scrunch them up and put them on one foot/leg at a time. Getting them over my calves/thighs was the hardest part, the hips/waist area wasn’t so bad. and like I said, my legs are certainly no bigger than average for my weight and probably slimmer. I will consider buying a Q next time (or just getting a better brand maybe)

        • Thanks but no

          Posting your height and weight make it seem like your concern for your plus-size peers is less than genuine.

          We buy hosiery that fits, and then we eat it with our bonbons while sitting on the couch drinking our milkshakes. Thanks for your concern.

          • Mary

            Or it means that she’s trying to figure out the inaccuracy of the size charts, and as she already mentioned, if she needs to wear a large size to fit, what are people who are larger than her supposed to wear?

        • Parfait

          We buy the biggest size and hope for the best, is what we do.

          For me it’s almost always an issue of them not being long enough. No joy for the tall and fat.

    • POSITA

      Are you putting them on right? Scrunch them up and the slowly release the stack as you extend your leg? I am only bothered by binding when I rush and don’t put them on properly. That size should fit.

    • Medic Maggie

      Another trick to getting them to get on right is, (and this is going to be tough to describe…) once you get them up to your waist, slide your hands down your rear end under the hose, palms facing out, and kind of plie outward (pulling the tights up and out) while grabbing a handful of tights at your thigh/bum crease and pulling up to get them up all the way at the cr0tch. It helps to yank the back side of the tights up as much as you would do with the front.

      Also, what everyone else said about scrunching at the toe and paying out slack as you go up your leg.

    • Meg Murry

      Any chance you accidentally bought support or compression stockings, where the legs are supposed to be tight for varicose veins or blood clots?

      Otherwise, yeah, you probably got a dud.

    • MJ

      Not as good as Talbots, imho. If you are just looking at AT’s v-necks, save some money and buy from Lord & Taylor–theirs are superior to both AT and Talbots. AT is often scratchy over time because they don’t use higher-quality cashmere. AT might feel nice in store because the yarn is not that twisted (so it feels soft), but then that’s what leads to mega-pilling later. I just saw their stuff in store and I passed for this very reason.

      I really love the Talbots Audrey sweaters and own ~6 of them though. They’ve held up beautifully across multiple seasons.

      Also, unless you really need it now, all cashmere will be on mega-sale at Thansgiving and deeper sale the first week of December, so hold your horses and you can get many sweaters for what you’d pay now. (Yes, I stalk cashmere, and yes, I do this every year!!!!)

      • Marise

        Nice advice! I also love cashmere so this is very helpful. I will wait and then pounce after Thanksgiving!

      • Kensington

        Very helpful. I am going to upgrade to cashmere and will follow your advice. Thanks!

    • rosie

      I cannot compare to Talbot’s, but several AT cashmere blend sweaters that I purchased are now too small on me, length-wise, so I would be careful. They say machine-washable, but they definitely did not hold up (I typically do cold/delicate wash w/Woolite & lie flat to dry).

    • Jennifer

      I don’t know about Talbot’s quality, but I got a few cashmere sweaters at one of Ann Taylor’s sales, and have been pleased with the quality for the price I paid (less than $60/per). I sized up a bit and they did shrink slightly after a few washes. Some minor piling on the sides, but that happens to me no matter what and these pills were easy to remove.

  7. Work - suicidal thoughts?

    Have reached the point in my biglaw office where I seriously think about about walking into traffic. Probably wouldn’t die but would buy enough time to get out (say on disability or something). Therapy is helping with long terms goals but not immediate hatred of all things (and all people) work related. They are awful in every way (trust me on that). Can’t afford to quit without another job. Better to tell them and negotiate an exit (but might not have enough time) or just let work decline and spend as little time as possible at the office (prob would not fire me and don’t care about reference as have enough stories of harassment and unprofessional behavior to negotiate exit)?

    • Meg Murry

      Wow, that’s awful, and I’m sorry.
      Before you do anything too dramatic, can you start with taking a vacation or at least a few days off? Something to get you out of this place mentally. But yes, I hear you – when you start thinking a stay in the hospital would be preferred to going to work, its definitely time to get out of there.

    • anon

      If you are really having suicidal thoughts then you need immediate help from a professional. Can your therapist. Call a suicide hotline (national suicide hotline = 1-800-273-TALK (8255)). Call a family member. If your bar association has a helpline for attorneys, call them. Call someone. It’s worth it.

      It’s good that your therapist is helping on long term goals but you need someone to help you triage your well being. If your current therapist isn’t that person, he or she should be able to direct you to someone who can. Then work on your escape plan.

    • NYtoCO

      I hope this doesn’t come across as tone deaf, but since you already are in therapy this is my only other suggestion. Channel your hatred and negative feelings into searching HARD for a new job. It sounds like getting out of that situation is high, and only, priority.

      ETA– Your first priority is getting help as anon above me said. Getting out of your situation is second.

    • Sue

      I’m not a medical professional but it sounds like you are really depressed. Good that you are in therapy and I hope your therapist knows this is what’s going on in your mind. I’m not in the legal field so no career advice but if it’s this bad, marshall as much support as you can from family and friends and get out. If you can’t quit right away, find out how you can take some time away from that environment.

    • Anonymous

      Best: call therapist immediately. Say you are having suicidal thoughts and need urgent help.

      Once you’ve done that, investigate FMLA leave, vacation time, aggressive job hunting, minimizing office time, etc.

      I do not doubt that they are horrible horrible people. But contemplating suicide because of that is a scary problem, not something you accept as the cost of the job.

    • MJ

      Please also consider a medical leave. Mental health is health, and if you can’t handle work and staying OK and therapy is not helping, you should take a formal leave. Take a look at your handbooks from work and then just go upstairs to HR and figure out how to make it happen paperwork-wise. If you need a doctor’s note, make an appt for that to get one for today. This is an emergency.

      Please don’t let biglaw beat you. You’re worth so much more. And when you are on leave, you can find a more suitable job. This is a time to take care of you. Please make yourself higher priority than anything that the evil people think is important. You are important!

      • Lorelai Gilmore

        I’ve had multiple friends negotiate leaves of absence from BigLaw – medical leave, personal leave, etc. It can happen.

      • Anon

        Maybe this is too late in the day to be helpful, but in the off chance you check later: I’ve been there and found my way out. Hated everyone and everything, in and out of the office. I was depressed, took medication towards the end of the job, but also left without another lined up. What I needed was rest and time away from the pressures of BigLaw. Now I have a lower-stress job I love and cool colleagues.

        You can make it happen, and you deserve it.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Feeling suicidal is a medical emergency. Call a friend to stay with you tonight. Leave work and go to the ER. Repeat this mantra – suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Call a suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255. Many disability policies cover mental health issues like depression and anxiety. You can probably get medical leave without getting hit by a car! Call your local lawyer assistance program. They have trained professionals to deal with this today. Please keep posting updates too. People here care about you and will help you through it.

    • Road Warriorette

      OP I am so sorry you are going through this. I think the advice from the previous posters are really good–suicidal thoughts mean you need to reach out to your therapist ASAP to get help on that.

      I had a job many years ago where I would have thoughts about what would happen if I had an accident and had to be in the hospital and not work. For me, it was less about suicidal thoughts or thoughts about hurting myself, but more being desperate to get out of that situation.

      As far as your job goes, when I hated my job that much I spent a lot of time searching for a new job but also a lot of time figuring out how I could make my life work if I got to the point where I needed to quit. I paid off credit cards and my car and started living way below my means. Eventually I just quit my job, but was able to find a new one within a couple of months.

      For me, I would rather have gone back to the waitressing I did in college than stay there any longer. It never got to that point, but would have been fine if it had.

      Sending you lots of internet hugs. I hope you get your situation figured out very quickly.

    • My sympathies

      I had VERY similar thoughts last year after five years in a soul-sucking job with the Boss from Hell- coupled with insomnia, depression, and generalized anxiety disorder and I had a recipe for disaster. I kept hoping I’d get into a car accident or have some sort of illness that would require me to take leave- absolutely no wish to die. My psychiatrist rightly pointed out that my wish to be incapacitated was reason enough to take medical leave! No job is ever worth your mental health.

      I ended up taking two months of medical leave, then a few months later left that position and am now pursuing schooling for my passion that’s at a lower paygrade, but in an industry that generally has a work culture that’s much more sustainable for me and I feel I’d be MUCH happier in.

      Your thoughts are not normal, and you need to take this seriously. Medical leave is a financial burden, but for me I feel it truly gave me my life back. Best wishes to you, I know how hard it is.

      • Anonymous

        And at many BigLaw firms, you get your full pay for your first 6 weeks of leave. Worth looking into.

    • Work - suicidal thoughts?

      Thanks guys so much for listening. I’ve always felt like saying this stuff is somehow attention seeking or something but have just started realizing over the last few years how many things in my life are coping mechanisms to deal with not dealing with things. Like my life had completely fallen apart and I didn’t even know it. But work is like being in hell and I can’t cope. I”m going to text my therapist and tell her that I’m having suicidal thoughts. I’m also going to call the lawyer helpline and ask for help. Will keep checking in. Thank you so much for listening.

      • Senior Attorney

        Thanks for checking back in, and please do check back in throughout the day. You are right to treat this as the medical emergency that it is.

      • Anita

        Please keep us posted. And consider telling others IRL, even though you may feel like you’re being melodramatic (you’re not).

      • Rogue Banker

        Take care of yourself, friend. My therapist a few years ago told me that telling someone about suicidal ideation is a sign that you want to be talked out of it, which it looks like the hive is doing a bang-up job of.

        Sending you love and support from someone who’s been through a similar hell. Stay strong. ♥♥♥

      • Aurora

        Take care of yourself! Your Biglaw job is not worth your life or your sanity. It’s easy to feel trapped but that’s the depression talking. Great job getting in touch with your therapist, I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way.

      • MU JD

        Your job is not your life – please, please talk to your therapist today. Get whatever leave you need to and make your number one priority taking care of you. There are many, many people who care about you and don’t want to see bad things happen to you. Your job situation will work itself out one way or another, but right now you just need to step away from it, take care of yourself and re-charge your batteries so you can make the best life decisions for you.

        Hugs and many positive thoughts to you.

      • Tasdevil

        I was standing in your shoes about 7 years ago. Soul sucking job. Racial and sexual/harassment and discrimination from a company that hada track record of tolerating this behavior. I agree w/ the rest of the hive about applying for medical disability.

        I also strongly suggest that you contact a plaintiff representing employment attorney to discuss the legal ramifications of your situation. I suspect that a company would have a higher liability for allowing persistent inescapable harassment that eventually harmed your physical/mental health than in the case of an occasional bigoted comment. Surround yourself with all of the emotional, legal, and medical support you need to make it through this trying period.

        Oh, and the universe does have a way of taking revenge on evil doers. My former boss was recently laid off from his job (I guess that they finally discovered what an incompetent @$$ he is), and is working as a temp at my current place of work. He sits in a cramped cubicle les than five feet from my (rather spacious) office, working as a glorified file clerk, and I get to order him into my office a several times a day to make copies of files. I guess payback really is a b!t@h.

      • EG

        I’m sending good vibes your way. Agreed with everyone else, you don’t have to live this way.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        So glad to hear back from you. I hope that those you reach out to are helpful and responsive. If for some reason they are not, do not give up. Keep reaching out until you find someone who can help you. Keep repeating that mental health is health. Your brain is part of your body.

        There is one other number I forgot to mention that isn’t always obvious to everyone. 911. If you start planning ways to kill yourself in your office dial 911. All your colleagues need to know later is that you had a medical emergency and needed to go to the hospital. No one needs to know why. My good friend had a panic attack in law school one day (in class) and called an ambulance. Others just heard she had “chest pain.” No one knew what really happened.

      • Meg Murry

        When you get through to your therapist, tell them exactly what you wrote above – possibly even print it out and hand it to them if you think you won’t be able to get it out or express it properly. I had a bad habit of feeling slightly “better” by the time I saw my therapist, and blew off the earlier feelings, and someone gave me the good idea to write down the bad feelings when I was feeling them, and then hand them to the therapist.

    • no name

      Wanted to provide you with a personal anecdote to let you know it’s okay to ask for help.

      I’ve been in therapy for a while. Earlier this year, suicidal ideations became really strong, and I didn’t have any way of assuring myself of my safety. So, my (amazing) boss took me to the ER when I said I was ready, and I spent a week on the psych unit. The time spent there was necessary for me. It gave me a space where I didn’t have to worry about being a danger to myself. I could take the time to gain some perspective on life and intentionally pencil my way through how I was going to cope with life and the changes that needed to be made. I discharged after I stabilized and, important to me, when I was no longer afraid to face the world outside the hospital floor.

      So if you’re in a position where you’re not safe, don’t be afraid of what asking for help may entail. I was concerned about what it would mean for my career, especially as I live in a small community. People don’t know where I went that week; I just had some health issues that demanded attention. Mental health is vital; allow yourself to take the time to treat your mental health concerns properly. Therapy is an important component, but sometimes you need more intensive treatment.

      • anon

        I’m the first anon who responded to OP. I want to piggy-back on this post. I had a similar experience in high school. My parents and therapists (and the cops…) and I made the choice to put me in a psychiatric unit for inpatient therapy for about a week. It wasn’t a quick fix, of course, but my experience was similar to no name’s in that it was a much needed pause button for me where I could focus on myself and my health. It’s a safe space for you to stabilize. Not saying that you *should* necessarily take this route, try not to be afraid of it. The important take away regardless of the care you seek is that it *is* ok to seek help, you and your health *do* matter, you are *not* alone, and care is available.

    • Idea

      A dear friend called me to inform me that she took a medical leave of absence, checked into an outpatient rehab center for depression (4 days, weird hours, about 40 hours/week) and is using the time to job hunt.

      Please, call your therapist. Good luck.

    • Anon for this

      Don’t be afraid to reach out to people you haven’t spoken to in a long time. Depression and anxiety can make you close yourself off and then when you realize you need someone you don’t know who to call because you haven’t let anyone stay close. A couple of years ago, a lady that was my maid of honor and college roommate went through a really rough time. She called me out of the blue, crying to tell me she was getting divorced. We had drifted considerably but I wasn’t upset in the slightest that she called. We reconnected after that but we weren’t super close. Her family is far away. She got into a bad space where she started self harming. Thank God I happened to call her that night while I was bored on a long drive. She told me she needed help and I drove to her and took her to my house for several days. I’m posting anon because this isn’t about me or my “good deed” but about my friend who had the courage to ask. I don’t know if I would have been brave enough to call her if the roles were reversed because that little voice in my head would have said “you aren’t close enough for this kind of call.” The bottom line is most people are good and most people will help you if you ask.

    • Work - suicidal thoughts?

      You guys are awesome! Have called my therapist and we agreed to have a session later tonight so will just leave work and go. I’ve drafted an email to HR. Haven’t had the courage to send it yet but when I do, will hopefully open up a discussion of medical leave. Called the lawyer helpline as well and they gave me further details so i can email them for further help.

      am forwarding this thread to a friend so she knows what’s going on. is so difficult not to feel ashamed but everyone’s stories were so great and made cry tbh. will keep trying and keep you guys updated. thanks.

      • My sympathies

        Good for you! Be sure to reach out to loved ones who are supportive, that’s what they’re there for. Taking the step of admitting I needed big time help was so hard for me- TBH probably the hardest part. Good luck and best wishes for recovery!

      • Idea

        Thank you so much for replying and letting us know that you’re OK and, even better, that you’re taking these positive steps. We care.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Wow! You accomplished a lot today. I’m glad the lawyer helpline was a positive resource. They had a table at a CLE I was at Friday and were giving out free self-help books. I wouldn’t have thought to recommend them otherwise. I’ll shoot them an email letting them know their table helped me help someone. Hopefully they will kee promoting it. You should really be proud of yourself for everything you did today. I bet it feels good (though terrifying) to have finally say those things out loud. Keep checking in. I’ll be looking for you.

    • Maddie Ross

      It depends on the piece. I think their suiting holds up and is worth it, but as much as I love their no-iron shirts (both mens and womens) they do not hold up well at all.

    • AIMS

      Agree that it depends. I have a dress from 3 summers ago that I wear once a week on average, year round, and it still looks great. I’d say my cost per wear for it has been well worth it. I think their shirts and accessories are usually pretty good too. I always get them on sale and I’ve had good experiences with most items. I’ve been disappointed by the sweaters though. Some are okay, some pill like crazy almost right away. BB has great sales throughout the year, so if you like their stuff, sign up for emails and wait for a good promo.

    • ac

      I tend to get suiting items at 30%+ off, have them tailored at B.Bros, and they become workhorses that hold up very well. I wouldn’t pay full retail (but I rarely do). Very good quality classics.

    • E

      I bought some outlet BB non-iron shirts and they pitted out in like 4 wears, which made me think it was the non-iron coating. What a waste of $100.

      • Bonnie

        My BB non-iron shirts are still going strong after 5 years so it may be an issue with the outlet version. BB does have great sales so I usually stalk items. Even if you buy something online, you can tkae it to a store for tailoring. They tend to have great in-house tailors who are much cheaper than the norm.

  9. August

    Hello ladies,

    I am posting this because the post above about having suicidal thoughts due to her job situation is bothering me.

    I am bothered because though I never had a suicidal thought, I have hoped to get flu or something that temporarily makes me to take some time off. I have never felt that way in my previous jobs. Here, there is so much work and such tight deadlines that I have not been able to take some time off in last 1.5 years. I have taken two days off in last 1.5 years. That combined with bullying and office politics is making my life terrible. I am looking for another job now. But when do you know that the job is not for you? When do you decide that the accomplishment that you can put on your resume is not worth the stress you are going through?

    • Anonymous

      I went through this in public accounting and it took talking to a counselor to put it in perspective for me. I felt like everyone else around me could hack the stress and then there was me. I’m a competitive person so I just couldn’t handle (at that time) thinking that they were thicker skinned than me, etc. But then I started to realize that maybe a lot of other people were having a hard time too and they were just putting their game face on. I ended up taking an internal accounting job at a company where overtime is minimal and the work is a good pace but not overwhelming. I received a 20% pay increase and much better benefits so my hard work in public did pay off and I was sooo glad to get out. I think the best thing you can do is continue to work hard while you look for a new position so that people continue to respect you and remember you as a hard worker.

    • MJ

      If you are not taking your mandated vacation, then you’re doing it wrong. This is classic burnout, and it’s preventable. Work is important, but keeping yourself fresh for work is important too. Talk to your superiors to get the backup/help/resources you need in order to take your time off. As the previous poster noted, you can’t have perspective on this when you’re in it. Breathe…and plan your next vacation RIGHT NOW!!!!

    • August

      Thank you ladies for your inputs. I have tried to take vacations but there is so less staff that no one covers for any one else. People have take vacation only for their weddings. Cancelling vacations at last minute is a norm and hence no one takes more than one or two days off. I have particularly difficult time because a co-worker bullies me. For example, I have to work with him on a project, he says he can only work on it at night 10:00 PM. The work needs to be done in the lab and the reason he gives is that he is a night owl and he cannot come to the lab before 11:00 AM. When I report to the manager, he says I have to find a way to work with him some how. I am tired of this more than work. I started looking for a job after six months on the job, but every interviewer wanted to know why I was looking for another job within such short time. I waited for one year so that I don’t have to answer the interviewers the reason for quitting within a year. I am seriously trying to get out now.

      • Meg Murry

        I think “I am regularly expected to do work in the lab until 10 pm – not on just emergency projects, but on routine projects. This was not communicated to me when I started the job and its not an environment that works for me – I was not told this was going to be a second shift job.” would be reasonable enough for most people.

        If your manager tells you that you have to work it out with this night owl, can you at least take some mornings off to sleep in, go to the gym or just watch some trashy tv? If he doesn’t come in until 11 AM, why can’t you do the same?

        • August

          I have my husband who works during day time and comes home at night. I want to have a life with him too. All others in office work regular hours and may work at night if it is necessary. I have worked till mid night too. I am willing to adjust my schedule within reason say I have to work with some one in other part of the globe. I have worked from morning 5:00 AM to 8:00 AM for one year to be able to work with a team in a different country. But I worked from home during that time without impacting my personal life. It is just not reasonable to expect me to work at 10:00 PM in the lab for months just to adjust to this person because he chooses to wake up late in the morning. This is just one of the things he does to make my life difficult. The others are withholding information needed to do the work, cutting me off when I am talking in the meetings, belittling me in front of others etc. My manager may not have problems if I come in at 11:00 AM, but my life doesn’t permit that schedule. I was not hired to work during that time.

          • Meg Murry

            I agree with you – my suggestion in the short term is to work that schedule (and let it be known that it’s under protest) and in the long term, apply for jobs and explain that working second shift was not part of your original terms of hire and that’s why you are looking to leave.

            On a silver lining note – you could potentially go on job interviews in the morning and no one would know? But yes, I hear you, working late into the night because someone else wants to sucks.

        • August

          reposting as the comment is in moderation.

          I have my husband who works during day time and comes home at night. I want to have a life with him too. All others in office work regular hours and may work at night if it is necessary. I have worked till mid night too. I am willing to adjust my schedule within reason say I have to work with some one in other part of the globe. I have worked from morning 5:00 AM to 8:00 AM for one year to be able to work with a team in a different country. But I worked from home during that time without impacting my personal life. It is just not reasonable to expect me to work at 10:00 PM in the lab for months just to adjust to this person because he chooses to wake up late in the morning. This is just one of the things he does to make my life difficult. The others are withholding information needed to do the work, cutting me off when I am talking in the meetings, belittling me in front of others etc. My manager may not have problems if I come in at 11:00 AM, but my life doesn’t permit that schedule. I was not hired to work during that time.

  10. Anonymous

    This seems like dumb question but here goes…

    I’m 20 weeks pregnant and for the last few weeks I’ve been wearing maternity dress pants or maternity pencil skirts with mostly sweaters or flowy shirts. I can’t handle wearing heels anymore. I only have one pair of flats that I’ve been wearing to death (because before pregnancy I only wore heels). Today was the first day that it got really cold and we had a bit of snow and I realized I have no idea what I’m going to wear come winter.

    When I’m not pregnant my typical attire is dress pants with heeled dress boots or pencil skirt with tights and heeled knee high dress boots (like 2.5 inch heel). On jeans days I would typically wear jeans, sweater, heeled dress boots.

    Won’t flat dress boots look weird with dress pants? I’ve seen a couple at Nordstrom (there’s a pair from Cole Haan currently). Aren’t these typically supposed to be styled edgier with like skinny jeans or something? I did buy some flat black riding boots last weekend but I don’t feel like they are dressy enough to wear with dresses and skirts (maybe I’m being a total weirdo on this) since I typically wear heeled dress boots with skirts and dresses.

    Also, do I buy regular tights or is there such a thing as maternity tights? I doubt my pre-pregnancy tights would be too comfortable at this point.

    HELP!

    • Anon

      I wear flats with dresses and tights but also wear flat dress boots with dresses and jeans/pants. It doesn’t look weird – it probably just seems weird because you are used to wearing heeled boots. You could probably just buy tights a size up, but I think they do make maternity tights as well.

      • Anonymous

        Can you please post a link of what kind of flat dress boots you speak of? I know, I’m making this harder than it is….like I do with most things :).

          • Anonymous

            So you wear knee high boots with jeans/pants? I’ve never done this because I thought it would be really uncomfortable and look funny but I could try it.

          • Anon

            I’m the Anon at 1:01pm. For work, I wear the flat boots only with skirts and dresses. I think that any pair of pants that is tight enough to tuck into knee high flat boots is, by definition, a pair of pants that is too tight to wear to work. So I don’t go there.

            I don’t really wear pants to work at all, actually, except on casual fridays, but hopefully one of the other ladies has some good suggestions for you there.

          • Pantl-A-Loon

            I wear dress trousers with trouser socks and either loafers or oxfords. My office is firmly business casual, so YMMV.

    • Anonymous

      A) yes there are definitely maternity tights.

      B) boots outside, flats inside if boots feel too informal.

      See also trouser socks.

      • Anonymous

        Don’t trouser socks look weird with flats though? I’m thinking like traditional, dressy ballet flats.

        • Anonymous

          Under pants? You’re gonna be hugely pregnant and worrying about a couple inches of foot/ankle flashing when you cross your legs?

    • Tights

      Assets maternity tights – target or Amazon. Quite durable and so much more comfortable and flattering than sizing up.

      • JEB

        Yes! Spanx or Assets maternity tights are awesome. They come up to your bustline, with plenty of room for the belly. They’re really comfy.

    • ANP

      When I was pregnant I swore by thigh-highs — get a couple of good pairs that will actually stay up and you’re golden. No grabbiness around the tummy and you can wear them post-pregnancy, too.

      • (former) preg 3L

        OMG yes thigh highs. There will come a point in your pregnancy when you’re miserable about your middle and thigh highs are amazing. (My first was born in February, so I know all about cold knees.)

          • Blonde Lawyer

            Seriously test them before wearing them in public. They just don’t stay up on me for some reason and I had a really embarrassing moment walking to a hearing with my boss and feeling them rolling down. I had to grab them through my skirt and hold them up. When we arrived at the hearing I ran and begged a clerk for elastics and used a couple elastics as make shift garter belts.

      • anon

        thank you for this suggestion! At 23 weeks I am already fed up with anything around my stomach and neither maternity tights nor regular tights worn low are particularly comfortable.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          I have crohns and can’t wear tight things on my stomach. I also failed at wearing thigh highs. When I must wear hose I take scissors and massively cut the waist band. I put huge V’s in it and cut it down low rise. They don’t last long after that but they at least make it through one or two wears without the pain in my guts.

          • L

            If you put clear nail polish on the Vs, it will help them stay even longer. I can usually make it about 3-5 wears per pair. I never knew there was anyone else who did this!

        • Maddie Ross

          I recommend cheap tights for pregnancy as opposed to maternity. I bought target brand tall tights in the large size and they were so much looser on my belly than maternity tights, which seem intent on “holding up” the belly. There were moment I wanted that, but mostly I just used insanely stretched out super cheap black tights. They did sometimes roll, but I was in the bathroom every 30 minutes, so plenty of opportunities to fix.

    • Diana Barry

      Sp*nx or clones make maternity tights – I wore the h*ll out of those during my pregnancy. Very comfy!

      I also wear flat boots with my dress pants in winter, like the ones in the link to follow.

    • Maddie Ross

      I wore wedge heels and a pair of thick heeled knee high boots while pregnant. I also couldn’t stomach the flat soled boots with dress pants (just not for me – after so many years of heels, it didn’t look right).

    • Anonymous

      I’m in a business casual office – do you think it’s okay to do knee high boots with skinny jeans on Fridays? I didn’t wear knee high boots with jeans to work previously (I only wore boot cut jeans with dress boots). It just sounds so nice…..

      I don’t want to totally go off the “I’m pregnant and can wear whatever I want” band wagon though…

    • Anon

      I bought a few pairs of maternity tights from Seraphine and wore them constantly throughout my pregnancy last winter.

    • oil in houston

      one thing I would warn you against though – I am currently 30w and only fit into 3 pair of shoes in my collection as I’ve been swelling so much… so I personnally would refrain from buying anything new, unless really cheap, as I’m not sure I would be able to wear post partum….

  11. Anonymous

    I guess I’m just worried about my feet being exposed to the elements in ballets flats. Maybe I need to get some snow boots for walking outside and can change into ballet flats once indoors.

  12. Cashmere scarf?

    I’m looking for a nice, warm cashmere scarf or two for the winter (in part because it’s starting to get colder and in part because I want to treat myself to something small as a reward for a work milestone), and I don’t want to pay too much (definitely under $100, ideally under $75). I’ve seen scarves for $59 at Talbots and $39 at Uniqlo…can anyone comment on quality for either? Or does anyone have other suggestions? Solid colors. TIA!

  13. KCC

    I started a new job about 2 weeks ago and noticed that I’m one of two people in an office of about 25 that dress up to work. My style is office casual but everyone else in the office seems to be more casual than that. Some where jeans and a sweater while others might wear leggings and sandals. Should I be concerned that I am looking different? Should I tone down my clothes to look more casual. I don’t want to seem different.

    • Reix

      I will reply quickly as I see no answers.

      On the one hand, it is important to fit in your office culture. On the other, being dressed up can signal many positive things, such as that you are ready for a more important role. And you probably want to still feel you if your personal style is more dressed up/formal.

      So, somewhere in the middle of these three “truths” there is the spot you want to fall.

      Maybe the hive can provide you with visual inspiration, blogs or sthg? (I am off now, but will try to post later today/during the week).

  14. help with resigning

    Not sure if anyone is still reading this thread, but I was too shy to be the first thread jack on the new thread.

    I used to love my job, but a toxic new project manager (not by supervisor, but higher than me in the org chart and supervising about half my projects), has changed all that. I have been offered a new role with a pay raise, better title, and more autonomy, but I’ve only been in my current role for about a year.

    My boss is aware of the issues with the project manager, and mostly her advice and instruction to me has been to put up with it. I used to really respect and admire my boss, and I feel like since I’m leaving after such a short stay, I owe it to her to kind of lay it on the line and let her know that this is bad enough to make me leave. I am a very high performer, and it will be a difficult transition to replace me (although I know they’ll eventually be fine because everyone is replaceable!).

    What’s the most professional way to handle this? Should I just try to resign as graciously as possible, or should I let her know that I’m really unhappy and why? I need a good reference from her in the future, she has a lot of pull in my industry.

  15. Lorelai Gilmore

    Just take the new job and don’t burn any bridges! You do not owe her anything. If, at some later point, you and Old Boss continue to have a social/professional relationship, and if she asks you at some later point why you left, then you could talk about the Project Manager. But you say that your boss is aware of the issues with the PM. She will understand that you are leaving because of the PM. She has chosen not to fix the issues with the PM. There’s nothing else you could say and you don’t owe her a thing. Disclosing more about the PM will just look like sour grapes, no matter how much you have the interest of the organization at heart.

    Be polite, thank her for the great opportunities, set up a coffee date in a few months to cultivate the network. Then leave.

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