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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Scallop Jane Textured Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This $170 dress at Boden caught my eye because it has both sleeves and pockets. (We're always on the hunt for pockets, and we once rounded up sleeved dresses with pockets.) I also like that it's lined and has a concealed back zip. It's available in the pictured seaweed as well as navy with white edging. The dress comes in regular, petite, and long sizes and is getting great reviews so far. Scallop Jane Textured Dress A more affordable option is at Talbots, as is a plus-size option. (Both are available in three size ranges.) Today you can get 25% off your entire purchase, so you may want to check out our post on how to buy a work wardrobe at Talbots. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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294 Comments

  1. I’m in my twenties and recently moved to a new rental apartment in NYC. Yesterday when I came home, a light that I never turn on was left on in my apartment. Additionally, there’s been a sketchy handyman around my apartment complex who I suspect may have entered my apartment. I ran into him as I was leaving yesterday and the apartment opposite mine is being renovated after the last tenant moved out. I had seen this guy twice previously. The first time was when I was taking out the trash. He kept staring at my chest, so I just smiled to be polite and awkwardly looked away. The second time he was sweeping in a corner of the apartment complex far away from my door, but immediately came closely behind me after he saw me leaving my apartment. I turned around and saw him staring at me. it made the hair on my back stand up. He’s not the Superintendant, who is a friendly and trustworthy person from what Incould tell. But this guy’s very presence and energy make me feel uncomfortable.I have always made eye contact and smiled in the most distant way possible because it’s the polite thing to do. But I’m worried that maybe has caused him to have false hopes. From his accent, he seems Eastern European. I’m planning to ask management if anyone has entered my apartment and if they can install a deadbolt on my door. Is there anything else I can do?

    1. I wasn’t really following until you mentioned that he seems to maybe be Eastern European. You need to report him to someone, lock your doors, and look for a new place to live.

      2. Sorry, can you explain? I think I’m missing something here – what does his accent have to do with anything? Are Eastern Europeans particularly known for something?

        2. I think she thinks it has something to do with that part of the world’s involvement in human trafficking.

      5. Lay off. It was (clearly, to me) intended to convey that there may be a cultural difference the OP can’t quite put her finger on.

        1. Eastern European here – by no means it is culturally appropriate to stare and/or translate your behaviour as “invitation” or “encouragement. Just report the incident at your desk or management board. I would also ask about the handy man – whether he has keys or any other way of access to your apartment.

    2. Talk to your landlord, definitely. There is probably some sort of notice to enter that they are required to give (I’m not in NYC, so obviously grain of salt). That would creep me out too. Trust that weird feeling! Sorry this is happening.

      Very *very* gently, creeps are everywhere and they come in all flavors and can have all accents and origins, as we’re seeing more than ever. This is by no means to excuse their existence, of course, but to prod you to gently ask yourself why it matters that “from his accent, he seems Eastern European”? He’s a creep, full stop. Unless this information helps your LL id the guy, which it might, it probably doesn’t matter?

      1. +1 the Eastern European comment stuck out to me too, really not relevant at all. Barring an emergency, the building is almost certainly required to give you notice. Stick with you gut and say something, maybe even ask for your locks changed, just leave the Eastern European part out.

      2. I took OP’s statement about his origins to be in connection with her previous sentence noting that she is concerned eye contact and smiling has been misread. I’ve spent time in Europe, including Eastern Europe and smiling/eye contact is certainly less common than here.

        At avoid confusion, stop smiling at him don’t worry about looking rude. Also, contact your landlord/super and note that sufficient notice was not given before your apt was entered.

        1. That’s sort of what I thought too, that the OP wants to acknowledge that cultural differences may be causing a misunderstanding here.

      3. Get a locksmith and change your locks regardless of any rules in the building. Get a deadbolt too. Your safety is key. Screw the rules. This is NYC 101.

    3. Follow your gut. Dont wait. I am not an alarmist but better to be safe here. Talk to landlord and super. Ask questions. your home should be your safe space. If it is not then you need to take action to make it safe.

    4. I know more than one woman who has been stalked by a maintenance guy. It does happen. It sounds like you aren’t sure who it is (i.e., whether you are dealing with one creep or two). I’m not sure what the relevance of the accent is, but please don’t explain away your discomfort by rationalizing some kind of cultural misunderstanding (there is no culture where it’s normal and okay to be creepy!).

    5. Ethnicity doesn’t matter. Your spidey sense does, though.

      Ask for a deadbolt. Tell management you require at least 24 hours notice for anyone to be in your apartment. And think about getting an inside camera to monitor things when you are gone.

      1. +1000. Deadbolt with no external key right away. Don’t ask your super, tell them.

    6. https://www.brickunderground.com/blog/2015/07/ask_an_expert_landlord_keys

      I would change the locks yourself, install a deadbolt, and then give the landlord a key if they notice/complain. If you ask them to do it the creepy handyman may be deputized to do it. This may be a little risky–check your lease–but in my experience you have to be a bigger pain than this to get evicted or something. NYC has very strong tenant protections.

      And yes, get over the accent. 37% of NYC’s population is foreign born. That is part of what makes it great.

      1. This. Just do it yourself today. You can get a locksmith in an hour. SSDGM an F politeness (and any instinct to follow the rules here)

    7. Oh no, that sounds like a gross situation to be in. Trust your gut, talk to management, and unless you’re absolutely in love with the building, consider finding a new place to live if things don’t improve. I’m wondering how possible (and expensive) it might be to install a security system in an apartment, I’ve never done it but I would probably look into it in this situation.

    8. Trust your gut. Tasks to do TODAY:

      1) Talk to landlord.
      2) Buy a deadbolt
      3) Buy a small security camera and install it over/near the door.
      4) Do not interact with creepy guy at all.

      A woman in my city caught someone peeping through her window, installed a camera the next day, caught the creep on camera peeping again the next night, and then he got arrested. Take the extra step and see if you can nail this guy.

      1. +1, especially to #4. If it is a cultural miscommunication, then avoiding eye contact and certainly stopping smiling at him would probably help correct the intended message. But yes, trust your gut. Better to preserve your safety than your manners.

        1. Just reread this and it sounds a bit victim blaming. Yikes. Not my intention at all.

    9. Agree with other posters that you should talk to management, and I’d install a deadbolt immediately myself. Also, you don’t have to smile at strangers and I don’t recommend it.

    10. First, have a locksmith change the locks ASAP.

      Second, tell your landlord about the situation.

      Third, do not be a silent victim. Screw niceties and his feelings. Make it clear that you are not interested. Tell him to stop staring. If he’s offended, who cares?

    11. Look into installing a camera that transmits over the web and sends you an email when it detects movement.

      Or, look into installing something like SimpliSafe (which I haven’t used myself, but have heard great reviews).

    12. Please report back to us in a day or two one you’ve taken some action. We are worried about you!

  2. I have a pair of leggingsish pants that are big in the waist and it feels like they kind of slip down over the course of the day, if I’m walking etc. The most annoying part of this is that the crotch drops a bit and sometimes the very top part of my inner thighs touch and that’s annoying. If I get the waist taken in, will that solve the crotch problem too? I don’t have the crotch problem when they’re pulled up normally

    1. I’ve sort of crudely added a drawstring to leggings like this, inside the waistband. You need one hole in the front middle, or aligning with a seam, and a long nylon-y shoelace type string (not cotton, that will be hard to untie when you need it!). Once it’s in, just tie both ends together so it’s a really big loop (and not two dangly ends that totally will get lost), and tie the knot with the long bunny ears that remain.

    3. It sounds like a frequent problem that pears have. If you are pants shopping, try the AT Loft Julie or the BR Logan styles — they have a smaller waist for the hip measurement and don’t do this (but on me, this is a problem with the BR Avery cut).

    4. This happens to me with pants that are too short in the rise. If that’s the case, taking in the waist won’t help.

  3. I am planning a getaway weekend in January for myself and a dear friend. We are not huge party people. Can you suggest a neighborhood or two that we should target to stay in? Looking for a good base to explore from. Planning on an Airbnb. Thanks!

    1. I’m not an Air BNB person (but there are condos nearby which may be on it), but I’ve always liked the Warehouse district near the Hampton Inn (from the water, it’s the NOLA convention center, the Hampton Inn, the Bakery condos, etc.). Garden District would also be nice (some grand houses but some smaller/older apartments may be on Air BNB; old/grand houses also have carriage houses sometimes, those might be on it as well). Just map what you can walk to; the nice thing about the Hampton Inn (or that location) is that you can easily get a cab. Depending on the January weekend, parade season may be starting (it starts on Epiphany).

      1. Second the warehouse district. It has lots of great dining and proximity to art galleries and museums. You can easily walk to the French Quarter and take the streetcar to the Garden District.

    2. Magazine Street area! Not a big partier either and I loved the main street and walking around all of the beautiful homes in the nearby Garden District. I’m planning on staying there my next trip to NOLA.

    3. Not NOLA, but a Nola resident. I think where to stay depends a lot on what you like to do. If you want to relax and wander around and shop and look at old mansions, stay somewhere in the Garden District near Magazine Street. If you want to see the typical tourist sites, museums, and art galleries, stay in the Warehouse District. There’s great food in both neighborhoods (and all over the city). Both neighborhoods are connected via street car and close enough to Uber between and anywhere else, so you’re not going to feel stuck in either neighborhood.

    5. I would definitely wear these to work in my business casual environment. They would be cute with tights and dresses/skirts.

    6. It doesn’t matter whether I would wear them to work in my uber casual office. it matters what YOU do for a living and what kind of workplace you do it in.

      I like the shoes but I’ve learned never to buy shoes like that — they will likely slip very badly on my heels and chew them up. And because the shoes are leather with zero fastenings, they are going to loosen up on me and there is no way to fasten them to my feet.

      1. +1 – and I feel like , depending on where you live, will have limited seasonal use. Would you wear them with socks (maybe if your pants covered them? What about when it rains/snows? Are your feet going to have a greater chance of getting wet from stuff getting in the low sides?

        1. I love the look of booties with cutouts, but I know they’ll just become a smelly, blister-y nightmare without socks.

    8. I like them – they have a bit of a western look to them. They’d look great with jeans!

    12. I’d get a cheaper version if you are really looking for some like that. They’re pretty trendy and probably won’t be in style next season. I would not wear to work.

    14. I have a pair of vince camuto booties that are similar, except they are grey suede and a higher heel. I wear them regularly and get constant compliments.
      I wear both with jeans as well as sheath dress.

    16. If you do buy them, buy them directly from Madewell using code ONYOURMARK – 20% of $100+, 30% off $200+. Or ask Nordstrom to price match.

    18. Thanks everyone! I should consult you before every purchase. Good point about the stretching/being uncomfortable without socks, plus they’re too casual for this office (I miss my biz casual office so much!) I think I’m going to check out the Target dupes!

  5. On horror books– add “The Grownup” by Gillian Flynn to your list. It’s short but delightfully creepy!

  6. I have a $120 gift card from Baukjen (UK brand). Never bought anything from them and I’m in the US, so shipping is not free. Has anyone bought anything from them and can comment on fit, as compared to Banana Republic, J crew, etc.? I have no idea how to use this.

  7. I have three pairs of LK Bennett Sybila pumps (kind of like the Sledge but with a slight platform). They are super comfy and broken in for my feet after about 4-5 years but I feel like they’re looking kind of dated now, right? Should I say eff it and keep wearing, sell them, or put them in storage for the next time round toes come back?

    2. I say keep wearing them. I have some Kate Spade Karolina that I still wear. I wear them less often than I used to, but they are good to have. I certainly don’t want to spend the money to replace them.

    3. Keep wearing them unless it’s really important to you to be on the leading edge of fashion. If the people around you don’t care, or you don’t care, or you don’t care if they care … who cares?

    4. I would call them more almond than round – they are not trendy but they are classic and if they feel good to you, I would totally keep wearing them.

    5. They’re classic, and anyway I don’t think the platform/shape is that noticeable when you’re wearing them. You get a way different view of the shoe when you look at pictures on shopping websites vs when it’s on your actual foot on the ground.

      1. The platform look is dated, but when platforms come back into fashion the style will be slightly different and these will still be dated. If you love them, wear them out now and then replace them with a current non-platform style.

    8. I think people who are really defensive about this being a current style are likely themselves stuck in a style rut. They are not classic. Without the platform they are approaching classic but the platform is a 10 years ago look and not current. That was the question.

      A lot of us get stuck thinking that what we liked when we were coming of age through our twenties is forever fashionable. It is not.

      Not that you have to be a slave to fashion, but don’t call a fad classic.

    9. When I googled, the first listing that popped up was the shoe in black suede where the platform is not visible at all. That particular show does not look dated. This style does look dated in nude though.

      I’d keep wearing it in dark colors but would not wear it in nude.

    10. Can you stash them somewhere as emergency shoes? I have an extra pair of shoes in my office.

  8. 6-year “iron” wedding anniversary is coming up soon, and I want to get my husband the contraption you put on a squat rack so you can safely bench press without a spotter. The problem is, I can’t figure out what they are called to search for them. Does anyone know?

      1. Yes! I think this is what I’m after. He wants to be able to bench in a squat rack. Thank you!

    3. Assuming he already has the squat rack, what I think you are looking for are the “arms” or “spotter arms”. You’ll want to make sure you get the set that is compatible with the squat rack he has, since the holes/pins need to line up.

  9. I would appreciate an opinion on this. A coworker, who is several levels lower in the organization than I am, will tell me whenever someone says something negative about me. She tells me about it as a “friend” who “has my back”. For example, when I got promoted to VP she told me X person had said I didn’t deserve it. Or once when I did a presentation she told me about someone who noticed a flaw although my boss said it was great. Is this person a friend or should I be wary. I hired her many years ago and she has always expressed gratitude for it and been friendly however as I have been promoted several times over the years and she has not I am starting to wonder.
    Thanks.

    1. You could tell her to stop because you don’t need to know every negative thing that’s said about you. How she receives and acts on your request might tell you whether she’s been acting in good faith.

    2. I don’t think you need to decide if she is a friend or someone to be wary of yet. You need to tell her directly that she doesn’t need to share this feedback with you. You have a boss who does that for you.

    4. I would be wary, but that’s my instinct talking. It makes sense that someone would share negative remarks if they are particularly relevant, but it sounds like some are not. It also makes sense to me if the two of you are particularly close, but that also doesn’t sound like it’s the case. At a minimum, I’d be judging her judgment (or lack thereof).

      I’d be careful in how you tell her to back off, as she sounds like someone who may over-react to negative comments. Perhaps show little to no interest in the comments, if you haven’t already tried that.

  10. Looking to hire a personal trainer in northwest New Jersey (Newark to Morristown geo area) – what questions should I ask them? I’m leaning towards finding someone affiliated with a gym. I don’t want to have to weed through Craigslist ads and verify credentialing. Does that make sense or should I go another route?

    1. In Morristown, Jesse at The Club at Headquarters Plaza is great. I’d personally just join a nice convenient gym and hire a trainer who works there. They’re all basically fine if you’re not looking to be an Olympian.

  12. Has anyone ever owned Jambu snow boots? Can you speak to quality/actual weatherproof-ness?

    1. Yes! I have a pair of the Joan of Artic knock-offs because they don’t use animal products! I love them and were great for me throughout the PA winter last year. My bff also has a pair and she loves them as well. Sometimes the liner will pull up when you take your foot out, but if you unlace them properly before taking your foot out, it doesn’t happen.

  14. how do you know when it’s time to quit a job?

    And have you ever quit without having another job first? Did you regret it?

    1. how do you know when it’s time to quit a job?

      And have you ever quit without having another job first? Did you regret it?

    2. When every fibre of your being wants a drink before work.

      When you spend Saturday mornings crying because even though you don’t have work that day, you have to see a literal sadist on Monday. The reprieve is temporary; the pain never ends.

      When a half-dozen trips to HR don’t resolve it, because it’s your fault for not finding your boss’ jokes funny, when he’s talking about killing a family member.

      I do not regret leaving without another job. I do regret staying too long.

    3. For me it was when I sat in my car for half an hour before I could talk myself into walking into the building. And it still took a few more years for me to actually leave. I should have listened to myself sooner.

    4. I used to have to cross the street to get into my office. I would think that if a car hit me I would not have to go in.

      1. +1 I had this same exact thought. I thought about my long term disability and life insurance and thought that at least my family would be ok.

    5. I am searching now. For me it was when I began to cry about work on a regular basis (i.e., more than once a week), had notable sleeping problems, and my appetite became so weak I lost weight (I was already slightly built). Then I started to casually search. I went from casual searching to intense searching the day after I had what appeared to be a panic attack and collapsed, which was followed by hours of crying so hard my eyes burned for days. This was incredibly disturbing since I am not a crier and have never had anxiety issues before. This helped me identify the hatred is my job is rooted in being disrespected/talked down to/not being given opportunities I truly believe I deserve on the regular. Nice job, biglaw.

  15. I live in CA and was asked to bring a job application listing contact info, references, etc. to my final interview with a company last week. The application asked for prior salary history, which is now illegal to ask candidates for in the state of CA. I put “not disclosed pursuant to law ___,” but I’m wondering if I should say something else and report the company anywhere. I don’t want to jeopardize an offer, but there are probably a lot of other candidates who aren’t aware of the law, especially women who will get pigeonholed into lower salaries.

    2. I think you should mention it to HR whether or not you get an offer. In my company, this is exactly the sort of thing that would fall through the cracks. Someone just forgot to remove the question from the standard application and they’d be happy to correct it right away.

      1. That’s what I’m thinking too, they’re not intentionally skirting the law, it probably just didn’t occur to them that the question was even on the form! But I may wait until a decision was made regarding my candidacy, and I also probably would have left that question blank.

    3. At this point you’ve put anyone who reviews your application “on notice” that they have a problematic question. I think what you wrote is perfect–succinct and gives a clear reason why you failed to answer.

      I suspect I was dinged for a job three years ago for pushing back about this question. The parent company is based in Canada, and I was a bit surprised they weren’t more ahead of the game in that regard. The job was in Texas and the local and other US-based personnel (including women who were very high in the org chart) seemed bewildered by the fact that I thought it was an inappropriate question.

      I don’t think it would be inappropriate to bring it to the attention of their HR department, but, as another commenter suggested, would wait until the hiring process is complete (either positively or negatively). I would also suggest being extremely succinct and direct–I think many people (women included) are annoyed by this particular issue, and you could very easily come off as defensive, overly emotional, or lashing out. Not at all a fair reaction on their part, but true nonetheless.

  16. So, I found out this past weekend that I’m pregnant. I’m only four-ish weeks along, so we are not telling anyone (except for all of you wonderful internet strangers).
    However, this weekend we are going to a wedding where we’ll be seeing a lot of friends, etc., and already ave some dinner plans for Friday and bunch plans for Saturday. Hanging out with this group historically has involved a fair bit of drinking (which I would usually partake in). While I know I can’t control if someone suspects something, I am looking for ideas of ways to raise as little suspicion as possible for why I’m not drinking. For those of you who have been there before, what are your tips and tricks for when someone asks about why I’m not drinking? Thanks!

    2. Being a designated driver is a good excuse. If you’re not driving, you can beg off and say you have acid reflux, maybe, but any excuse of that variety will likely raise eyebrows. You can try to order non-alcoholic drinks at the bar and just make them look alcoholic with a lemon wedge/stirrer/whatever other accessories are in there. If you are seriously trying to fool people, get a bottle of beer and refill it in the bathroom with water.

      1. +1. Your friends will probably wonder anyway, but if they’re polite they won’t say anything about it.

    4. I agree with carrying around an NA drink that looks like a drink. Or wine that you just don’t drink (you can surreptitiously switch out with your partner). I personally said the occasional times people asked that I wasn’t feeling well (true for 90% of my pregnancy) or that I didn’t want to have a migraine come on. Few people asked and even fewer noticed I wasn’t drinking, and those who did, guessed, and didn’t say anything until after we officially told them. Congratulations!

      1. Except for your closest friends, they may guess or suspect (women more than men) but also will likely forget again within a few days. It’s a big deal to you and your people (close friends, relatives, etc.) but to many people it will just be one more person who’s pregnant, and won’t even be a fun secret for more than a couple of months. I think people are more self-centered than we tend to realize–to your benefit in this case! I totally get not wanting to discuss or disclose yet, but I would try not to be terribly worried about it either.

    5. My best suggestion is not to make excuses or say anything at all about not drinking, which draws attention to it. For the wedding, accept a glass of champagne and take one or 2 sips before abandoning it somewhere, accept a glass of wine with dinner to keep next to your plate and take one or 2 sips the whole night – your partner can surreptitiously exchange their emptier wine glass with yours periodically, get mixed drinks from the bar that are actually just mix with no liquor – remember to order it in a short glass as a rum and coke is usually served in a short glass but a coke is usually served in a tall glass. For the dinner, order one drink and don’t finish it so that the server had no cause to offer you another drink and you have no cause to draw attention by turning it down. For brunch, order coffee instead of a mimosa or caesar complaining of a rough night if anyone comments.

      2. I agree with this except you literally do not need to take any sips of the champagne/wine/etc if you don’t want to.

        Go order a club soda with lime at the bar during cocktail hour and don’t say anything one way or another.

        1. True, everyone’s comfort level with this is different so if you don’t want to sip your champagne at all, just accept it and hold it for the toast and then set it down somewhere. No one will be watching you to check that you drink it, but making a fuss about not taking a glass may draw attention.

    6. +1 if anyone asks, say you’re on medication/antibiotics. I’ve done a coke with a lime and a stir stick to look like a rum and coke when I was at a tailgate on pain medication after having a dental procedure.

    8. One of my good friends went to a camping/music festival at 6 weeks, and handed her husband all of her drinks “to hold” at one point or another, and took it back empty. No one suspected a thing.

  17. Headed to London nect week- dont need travel recs- but would like beauty, shopping recommendations. Maybe some cute souvenir/ beauty product / foodstuff that uou picked up and loved?

    On my list at the moment:
    – cerave sunblock
    – all things M&S foodhall
    – harrod bears for my nieces

    2. PLEASE try on clothes at The Fold and report back on sizing vs. typical US brands like JCrew!

      2. Agreed! So curious to try more Hobbs/The Fold stuff but horrified by the international return shipping costs. Had to spend almost $100 to return a Hobbs blazer :( Reiss, though, does have a US shipping/return location, I think?

        1. That’s terrible! Sorry you had to pay that much. If the Fold and Hobbs partnered with Nordstrom and offered their clothes there, I suspect they would make a killing.

          2. OMG yes, I am drooooling over the Fold, it looks like MMLaFleur but nicer/higher quality.

    6. I love Whittard tea. I especially love the Picadilly Blend. You can order it from the US, but it’s cheaper to pick it up in London.

    8. Neutrogena’s Norwegian Formula lip balm. I have my sister in law bring me tubes of this when she visits from London.

  18. Curious to hear the group’s thoughts. A good friend is a foreign national who’s been living here for… oh probably 10 years or longer. She’s said a few times that America holds itself out as this family-friendly country that emphasizes family values and everything is all about family. She was surprised that obviously our work life doesn’t reflect that.

    I grew up here and I’ve never thought of this country as particularly family-friendly. If anything this country seems actively hostile to families – if you want to have kids or care for elderly parents or someone with a disability then you’re on your own. Forget about the government or your employer helping you out or giving you even a little flexibility. I was surprised to hear that people from other countries see us as anything other than highly individualistic. Have you all encountered anything like this? Do we pitch some family-focused line?

    2. Our politicians talk about “family values,” which really means lack of reproductive freedom for women and expecting women to take care of everything with zero support from their spouses, society, or the government.

      1. Agreed, I had a friend who put it once as a the “pro birth” movement (and not “pro life”) because it seems like a lot of the “family values” talk is about not having reproductive freedom or thinking about raising/caring for the kid once it’s here (e.g., maternity and paternity leave, day care costing $$$, lack of pre-k/early childhood education options for everyone).

        1. Not to mention limited access to family planning resources (birth control) and prenatal healthcare for many

    3. We must have the same friend :) She often makes comments about how driven and ambitious Americans are about their families and their health.

    4. Setting aside American politics of the last two years, where both sides think the U.S. is going to heck in a handbasket, arguably the American self-image is as the world’s good guys with family farmers and apple pie and white picket fences. We have always had a self-made man / pull yourself up by your bootstraps ethos, but IMO, it’s not about getting ahead at all costs, so much as lifting your family up…making sure your children have it better than you do.

    5. I’m originally from India and think American culture is kind of cold about family life. It very much emphasizes the supremacy of the nuclear family to the exclusion of the extended family. That’s just my observation.

    6. There’s a lot of talk about “family values” but that usually translates, IMO, into “Christian family values”–no sex before marriage, no birth control, no abortion.

      I think in the 1950s and 60s, it was easier for families–the ideal was a stay at home mom, and many families had that. One parent working outside the home for money, one parent working in the home taking care of the kids and all the household stuff.

      Our society changed to include women in the workplace but did not substantially change what is expected of women at home. But there is still the sense that family values are important; it’s just that there’s no support for them.

  19. Any suggestions for a college student (freshman male) care package? Particularly for those of you in the sciences that went to MIT-type schools?

    1. Snacks came to mind first, but you’ve probably thought of that already! Maybe a roll of quarters for laundry, and a gift card to some store, fast food chain, or takeout service on or near campus.

      1. It obviously depends on the school (and his particular dorm) but most colleges don’t use quarters for the laundry facilities anymore. It’s not free (ha!) but many (most?) have machines where you buy a pre-loaded card. You could probably call the residential department or dean of students to find out.

        Another idea: a Venmo transfer earmarked for eating out and the Lyft to get there. Tiff’s Treats (freshly-baked cookie delivery service based in Austin, Texas but expanding) and pizza are always hits too.

        You could also ask his parents what was on his wish-list that he didn’t get. It was always a bright spot to get some small “luxury” as a broke young adult.

      2. A lot of schools now use a student ID with a chip to pay for things like snacks and laundry. Coordinating with the student (or his parents) to contribute to the account would be the modern version of giving quarters.

        Find out what’s allowed in his living space before buying. For example, a personal-sized coffee maker would be nice, but some dorms disallow appliances.

      3. Check on the quarters if you’re going that route first. I remember my machines at college were run on a card that you had to load, but the machine that loaded the card didn’t accept quarters.

        1. Okay okay okay, after three comments I get the message! I’m sorry, I graduated six years ago, we had the option of using our school card OR quarters, so it hadn’t occurred to me that colleges have upgraded to machines that don’t use them at all (must be nice).

          1. I think the three in a row comments is a function of the weird mod and comment loading time, not an emphasis of the change! Promise! This has happened a few times lately.

          2. +1 to Pompom – when I posted this, the other two hadn’t posted yet! – Anon @ 12:48

    2. Easy snacks. A water bottle or travel coffee mug. Amazon gift card.
      I found these body wipes that are supposed to be able to replace a shower, I gave them in a care package to my sister. Not sure if she used them, but I thought it was funny.

    4. I echo the suggestions above. Other ideas include a subscription to a healthy snack box like Nature Box, coffee/tea/hot chocolate depending on his preferences, Starbucks gift card, Amazon gift card, Target gift card, gift card for electronics store, Bluetooth or corded earbuds, cool themed socks, popcorn, healthy snacks like grassfed meatsticks or vegan equivalents, Emergen-C/Airborne, gummy vitamins, college shirt/sweatshirt, college hat, warm hat/gloves for winter if in an area that gets cold.

    5. A roll of quarters is definitely helpful! If you’re going to do a gift card, there’s a Target not too far from MIT (1 stop away on the T/within walking distance) and Flour Bakery is really close and I’ve always seen lots of students in there.

      If he’s not from a cold-weather area, maybe some nice gloves/scarf and some cozy socks. Otherwise, extra/longer cable cords or nice headphones, or cold/flu season stuff like cough drops and hand sanitizer.

    7. The two things my nephew has really liked were a Magic 8 Ball and those stick-on googly eyes.

      I try to do some snacks, one useful thing like clothing or a gift card and one fun thing per package. The kids I send care packages to seem to prefer more smaller packages over one or two large packages, even if they are getting the same total amount of stuff.

    2. Pizzaria Bianco was good when I was there recently. In a cute ish square area in the downtown Phoenix area.

  21. Any dresses or jumpsuits you’ve been eyeing that you’d like to share?

    My family hosts a charity event every year and this year it’s in late October. It’s on a weeknight but not really an after-work event. The men wear suits and typically I know what to wear, too, but this year it’s later in the year than usual so the timing is throwing me off. There are a lot of important people to meet and this year my husband has invited his big-big-big boss to join us. It needs to be more special than a basic shift dress I’d wear to work, but not quite an overdone c*cktail dress you’d wear to a wedding. I’m 5’3″ and size 0-2 so if it needs hemming (ahem, midi lengths), I’ll need a little lead time but budget is not an issue.

    2. Hackwith Design House reversible wrap dress. I’m obsessed. I want it so much. It looks fabulously versatile to me.

      1. Oh, thank you! I forgot about Red Valentino – if only this dress came in other colors! (It will look too springy that time of year and pastels wash me out!) I will check out some more of their dresses!

    4. I’ve been renting Black Halo’s Black Teagun jumpsuit and it’s just my favorite piece ever, and will be purchasing it. You’ll probably need to get the straps shortened.

    5. ULLA JOHNSON! I bought a silk dress from there awhile ago – Midi length – wear it to every fancy event. I love it.

    6. Chiara Bone La Petite Robe has some print dresses that might work, if you like prints.

  22. What is your favorite thing to bake that uses a box of cake mix? Any flavor is fine; I have a few boxes to use up.

    1. Box of cake mix + a can of pumpkin. No oil, no eggs, nothing. The batter will be really thick. Makes good muffins. I’ve used spice cake mix (great for fall!), white cake mix, and chocolate cake mix (add choc chips). Bake at 350 for maybe…idk 10 minutes?

    2. Dump a can or two of fruit pie filling in a 9 x 13 cake pan. Sprinkle the dry cake mix on top. Melt a stick of butter and drizzle over the cake mix. Top with chopped pecans. Bake at 350 until brown and bubbly. So sweet your teeth will rot but so delish!

      1. Dump Cake! Lots of “recipes” out there if you want to know specific cook times.

    3. Tye dye rainbow cake. Make the cake mix (white or yellow) and then divide into little bowls and put gel food coloring then pour the different colors into the cake rounds. Bake and then ice with white frosting (there is a cool whip based thing that is cool whip and pudding mix) then when you cut into it folks are surprised by the color. Many photos and blogs in internet land about but here is one: https://www.mccormick.com/recipes/dessert/tie-dye-cake

  23. So can people share experiences — how did you decide NYC vs DC? I am so so confused it isn’t even funny. Lived in NYC for 10 years and when I left I was done – not having a dishwasher; washer/dryer; car. Not being able to get in the car and drive home to family, always relying on public transit etc. Yet there are friends, siblings, walkabilty, and somehow I just relate to NY people better.

    Moved to DC – got my car, W/D, dishwasher etc. Except my siblings and friends aren’t here. Driving is a hassle so I’m stuck taking awful metro to work (miss my walking commute in NYC), though I do get to drive on weekends, drive to visit family etc. and that driving helps my happiness immensely.

    I need to switch jobs and these are the only 2 cities in play — I literally change my mind weekly. How do I decide? Part of me is like — let the job offer decide but IDK I feel like I should target one city or the other.

    1. You can change the things you dislike about NYC – W/D, dishwasher, car. You cannot change the things you dislike about DC – absence of friends and family.

    2. I am biased because I live in DC, but it’s so much more affordable, weather is better in DC, and you can actually live in the city or close in with kids and make it work. Given that you’re already in DC, why not try to make it work by moving closer to your office, and proactively trying to make friends and meet people? I agree with you that a walking commute makes a big difference, and the weather is nice enough in DC that you can walk pretty much all year round.

      But, if you have honestly given DC your best shot and it’s just not you, then of course you should move.

      Also, are you single, married, have kids?

        1. Op here – the weather is actually a huge negative for me in DC. I can deal with cold and NYC level heat — DC level heat isn’t for me. It’s not just dislike – it’s like heart racing, hard to breathe 4-5 mos a year. So IDK if a walkable commute helps unless I’m like across the street from work (which isn’t realistic).

    3. I live in Jersey City 10 minutes from Manhattan with parking, a washer/dryer, dishwasher, even a pool.

      1. Yeah, I’m confused why New York means no dishwashers or washing machines. You can have these things!

    4. Will the new job give you more $ to work with in NYC? Because I would go for friends, family, and people you relate to better. DC is just not going to change on that score.

      1. Yes a new job would be more $ in NYC though not enough $ to where I’d come out ahead if I went luxury building – which guarantees a W/D, dishwasher – and paid for parking. Though I’m at the point in life where I’m feeling comfortable with earnings/savings and maybe I go back to NYC allowing myself to splurge on a nice life rather than forcing myself to save a large % of earnings yearly.

        1. You don’t need to live in a luxury building to have those things. I live in Brooklyn in a fifth floor walkup, and have w/d and dishwasher.

    5. Well… why are those the only two cities in play? It sounds like you’re a NY-er at heart, but there are other cities in the world (and in the Eastern U.S., even).

    6. I solved this by having a walking commute in DC (live in Logan, work in Dupont). I visit New York a lot, but am very happy to come home to bigger grocery stores and in-unit laundry. But bigger picture, I think some people are New York folks and some are DC folks, and you may not be a DC person.

    7. Maybe you just don’t like either city. It sounds like you’d like Philly. You can live in center city and walk to work, have a reasonable sized home, and still have your car. Maybe Baltimore, too.

    8. Go where your people are. If you hate living in the city could you live in the burbs and commute in? Jersey City? Hoboken? West NY? Montclair? Still not likely to be driving or walking to work, but can drive places on the weekends and see your peeps easily.

      1. Any idea what commutes are like from Montclair or West NY? Is it NJT or something else?

        1. Montclair is an NJT train, around 45 minutes on the actual train into Penn. West New York and other towns in that area (Weehawken, Fort Lee) are a bus commute through the Lincoln Tunnel. Personally I adore Jersey City and never want to leave. The PATH runs 24 hours and is generally more reliable than NJT or subway, you get more bang for your buck, and there’s a great variety of wonderful neighborhoods. I have two bedrooms plus dining room and office, dishwasher, W/D, and a small backyard for what I’d pay for a nice (not luxury) one-bedroom in NYC.

    9. I grew up in the suburbs of both and then lived in both cities as an adult. I actually hated living in DC and much preferred NYC and found living in nyc to be easier and more convenient. For example, in NYC there is a drug store on every other corner, but in DC I had to walk out of my way to go to a CVS. At this point I live somewhere else entirely and honestly not sure I could go back from not having a w/d in my apartment, and I had a dishwasher when I lived in NYC but I love the walkability of NYC, i hate driving so that wasn’t really a factor for me. Personally I would choose NYC, but this is such a personal decision and each individual likes different things

    10. 1) Why are these the only two cities at play, can you look into other metro areas?

      2) You know there are suburbs to NYC that allow you to see friends and family (albeit probably primarily on the weekend), have a car for convenience, but also allow you to use public transport into the city via the many many lines into NJ and Connecticut? Is your choice really far from family or hard NYC life? I just feel like you’re giving a walking commute versus a 30-40 min train commute WAY too much play in this decision

    11. I lived in NYC for a few years in my early 20s and enjoyed it. But over time I grew to hate the lack of nature and how dirty the city was. I’ve been in DC for a while new, and really love it. My work opportunities are better. I live close in in the city, and walk to most places (except when it is horribly humid in the summer). I also have a car, and can go hiking on the weekends and I love being able to drive out to the mall/target/DSW/etc when I just need to check out something in person instead of trying to order online. But, at the end of the day, you need to choose the city that works for you.

    12. Here is a contrarian thought: move to Charlotte. Tons of NY folks and the move of one often results in chain migration, so your siblings and friends may follow. I have a 2 mile commute that I can walk or drive or light rail. And walk to bars and restaurants.

      It is so liveable and relatively affordable that you can fly back to visit often. And enjoy the 5 days of the week that you go to work so much more.

    13. Get an NYC apartment with a W/D and a dishwasher? I have one, and I was not looking for a washer/dryer. You can’t change the car.

    14. I live in a not fashionable part of Brooklyn and have a car that we park on the street. It’s old so we get minimal insurance, which makes it more affordable. But my subway commute is a solid hour. Anyway my point is you can have a car in NYC, you just may need to move further out into the boroughs or uptown (or the suburbs). The dishwasher, at least, is something you can have, even if you rent in Manhattan. Get a portable one – I had a countertop one and then one that sat on the floor. (Yes, your lease probably outlaws them, but do not let that stand between you and a dishwasher!) I have also successfully convinced myself that not having a w/d in my apartment is an asset, because I can use the building’s machines and wash and dry 4 loads at once. (Living in NYC requires this kind of mental game I think). And of course, you can send out your laundry if you have the $$ for that. Or you can get a portable washing machine too.

      Is Boston possible? I lived there before NYC and loved it, but I work in the arts so was sucked in. I liked living in the DC area as a child, but can see how it would feel a bit suburban and southern after NYC.

  24. I bought some DKNY ponte pants and the elastic in the waistband twists so that the band no longer lays flat. I am told this also happens with the J.Crew Factory drapey ponte pants. Can anyone recommend ponte pants with an elastic that is sewn in place inside the waistband so that the elastic doesn’t twist?

    2. I’ve had this issue with many before and just bought vinc camuto ones from nordstrom rack, they’re great! so good and affordable I just went ahead and grabbed two pairs because I know I’ll use them all the time.

  25. My dad’s girlfriend is undergoing chemo and it is really taking a toll on her (and, by proxy, him). They do not live together, but he is her “person” for all of this. She has kids and a large support network, and I do not know her all that well. They’ve been dating about a year.

    What can I do for him, to provide some kind of support?

    What can I do for her/them that says “thinking of you/rooting for you” but in a way that’s not over-steppy since we’ve only met twice?

    1. Send a basket of snacks from Zingerman’s- food is hard and easy tapasy things to scavenge are good. Send her cards- every other week or so, post cards, etc.

    2. If he is her person, what roles is he typically filling? If he’s been in charge of meals, send over a dinner or two (honeybaked ham, something like that). If he’s done the housecleaning, pay for a cleaning service for X months. I would try to figure out what his specific burden is and relieve that.

      As far as her, I think you can send her a card. “I know how much my dad cares about you and you’re special to all of us. I’m rooting for you!”

    3. To explain where I am coming from: I am a cancer survivor and was not at all public about my diagnosis or treatment while I was going through it. That said, it didn’t bother me in the least for the word to spread organically among my friends and family–I just don’t have the personality to make a big announcement about it.

      It depends very much on the patient’s particular circumstances and personality, but I wouldn’t be too worried about over-stepping. She surely knows you know, and when going through something this tough, knowing that people are supportive–even from a distance–is very emotionally supportive (or it was to me).

      I think sending her a card every month or so would be very kind. If you can afford it, a care package and/or flowers are always nice too. I still have an impressive collection of vases 12 years later! My favorite care packages were nice lotions and snack packages. If she’s going through chemo (I didn’t so can’t really help), you might do a bit of googling to see what is recommended for snacks or other care-package contents.

      If your father is spending time being her caregiver (after surgery or while recovering from some other procedure) you may offer to relieve him for an evening a week, or an afternoon on the weekend. Caregiver fatigue is real, and she would probably appreciate that varied company, especially if her own children aren’t nearby. If she just needs supervision, you could also offer to work from her home for an afternoon so he can get out. Overall, it’s the “team” aspect that can be very helpful. You don’t have to do everything, but if everyone pitches in a bit it can be a huge help.

      1. This last paragraph. SO. MUCH. THIS.

        I was a full-time caregiver for my mother for almost 10 years. You do not know what a toll that takes on a person until you’ve been there. Caregivers NEED a break. The best thing you can do is offer one. And the person needing care needs to see a different, friendly face from time to time. You can be that face. I can’t tell you what it would have meant to me just to get out of my damn house for a few hours for some “me” time, even if it meant sitting in my car at the end of the road listening to peace and quiet.

        If your dad is her caregiver, offer to give him a break. Send him out for an afternoon, or a day, or even a weekend if you can handle her care on your own. The break will do both of them good. He needs time to recharge, and she needs the company and support of other people. You don’t have to do anything wildly spectacular — even if you just do some minor housekeeping and maybe make a simple meal or two (all you can make is grilled cheese or nuke a frozen entree? It may taste fantastic to her!) it’ll be a huge help.

        1. Also, as a current caregiver, if he’d rather stay home, take HER out. Sometimes I just want to be home alone and it’s hard to do that with an ill spouse

    4. For him, offer to organize a meal train, and/or be a point person coordinating other offers of help. And phrase any offers of help very proactively, like, “Okay if I have dinner delivered x date” rather than “what can I do?”

    5. Hmm, a lot of these suggestions are around food, but I’m not sure that’s the right answer here. Apparently she can’t/doesn’t want to eat (everything tastes terrible), so sending her food/snacks sounds tricky.

      My dad eats out all the time (this was true pre cancer) so having food sitting around his place might go to waste. Not really, since my brother lives a block away and will swing by and eat anything not tied down :-).

      2/3 of GF’s kids are local, and I don’t think offering to relieve him is appropriate- she’s depressed, hair falling out, semi incontinent- not my place to step in there (IMO, but tell me if I’m wrong?). I also have young kids and would hate to add germs to the mix, even though the kids would obviously never come along.

      1. When my brother was hospitalized for 3 months, I got my SIL gift cards to the coffee shop in the hospital, so she could easily get a snack or something while she was there.

        Is there something similar that you could get for your dad or for her? Gift card to the Starbucks on the route between their two homes or something like that? If you are stumped, ask him flat out, “Dad, what do you need right now?”

        For her, a card would be nice. I’d say send a plant, but if she’s exhausted, that becomes one more thing to deal with. Again, you could ask your dad if she likes a certain lotion, or could use, say, a lap desk or reading pillow to prop a book or tablet up when all she can do is lie down.

        How old are her kids? If they are younger, send them something small but fun. If you live close enough, offer to take them out for a day–they could probably use some cheering up and it might help their mom if she knows they are taken care of and having fun.

        1. They are 26-34. Oldest son is married with 2 kids, daughter is 39, local-ish (35 min) and getting married in 2 months. Youngest is a son down in DC.

          So, no toys :-).

    6. DO NOT send flowers/plants to people undergoing chemo! Their immune system is compromised, and flowers can actually make them sick (source: worked in chemo unit for the last few years)

      A heartfelt card to GF and asking Dad “what do you need?” sound like the best options.

  26. I’ve been seeing a lot of posts about being a bridsemaid/wedding drama and I’m curious: how many of you are still close to the bridesmaids in your wedding and how many former bridesmaids are still close with the bride?? (and how many years have past since the wedding)

    Also would like to hear from any of you who decided to forgo the whole bridesmaids thing altogether.

    1. I had 6 bridesmaids, in 2002, and speak to all of them still. Most on a weekly basis, if not more. And every time I was a bridesmaid, the same situation; I’m still close with all the brides. I do understand that this is rare.

      1. Me too. My women of honour were my high school friends and we are all still tight. I was a bridesmaid for all of them as well.

    2. All of them (a lot- 8). In my 30s, my friend group is pretty set. We’ve already established patterns of communication and have at least a decade of friendship under our belts. I think getting married in your early 20s yields a lot of friends out of close proximity. Eight seems like a lot but those aren’t my “closest” friends, but literally ALL my friends – and these are the only people I keep up with besides my family. Even though we pretty much only communicate via text and social media (see women in 30s – very busy people), and see each other when in the same city, we’re still as close as ever. Then again, one common trait between all my friends is a welcoming “low stress, low drama” vibe.

    3. No bridesmaids for me! We did a nontraditional ceremony with no attendants. I don’t regret it for one second. Our siblings gave toasts. One dear friend threw me a bridal shower and another one threw me a bachelorette party.

      I’ve only been a bridesmaid/MOH once, and it was my cousin, so we are still very close ten+ years later.

      I have a lot of unmarried friends or friends who also did nontraditional ceremonies where I participated in other ways, so there’s weirdly a small part of me who wishes I could have been a bridesmaid a few more times! But I know that’s silly. I’m 38 so I don’t go to many weddings anymore except family.

    4. I am still friends with every person whose wedding I was a part of ranging from when I was a flower girl in 1986 to a bridesmaid this June. The great majority of these wedding parties were small, which I think is at least a partial explanation. It seems like your one or two best friend/closest relative group is going to have less attrition than your seven or eight closest/best group.

      I did skip the whole bridal party business at my wedding. We also skipped the processional which enabled us to play pretty fast and loose with participants. I sent my three closest girl friends a gift prior to wedding naming them honorary bridesmaids and explaining that, while, we’re all bridesmaid-ed out at our age, they’re some of my favorite people. I also took them out for an honorary bridesmaids brunch the day before my wedding. At my ceremony, our dads held the rings, our moms signed the license, and our tween niece held my bouquet.

    5. I’ve been a bridesmaid five times (and I was in two weddings where there was no bridal party, but I acted in a bridesmaid capacity.)

      Of the 5 official ones: I talk to one bride daily, 3 brides sporadically (live across the country — friends I see maybe 1x/year, but consider to be good friends), and 1 bride not at all.

      I chose not to have bridesmaids because I knew my options were either (a) a huge bridal party; or (b) hurt feelings, and I didn’t want to deal with either. I don’t regret that decision at all.

    6. I did not have a wedding party – it was a small wedding, choosing between friends felt awkward, and I never felt particularly “bride-y” in the first place. It was the right choice – fewer things to worry about, fewer feelings to manage, less coordination, and everyone just had a nice time without extra duties. I also didn’t want a bridal shower or bachelorette, so I didn’t notice anything “missing” – but if those experiences are important to you, not having a wedding party might make it harder.

      I’ve been a bridesmaid in 3 weddings as an adult (also a ‘junior’ bridesmaid in family weddings when I was a young teen, which I’m not counting here). Two of those were my dear childhood friends who I am still close to. Only one of those marriages has stood the test of time (this was about 5 years ago). For the third wedding, it was someone I was very close with for a period of time, but she moved and I came to realize that her friendship was a very specific sort of young professional fun to hang out with type friendship, but she wasn’t a very nice person. Probably had something to do with her telling me I couldn’t be pregnant at her wedding in the midst of 3 years of infertility struggles. So we don’t speak now, but never formally “broke up”. She also had 11 bridesmaids…

    7. One wedding I was in had only the bride’s sister as a bridesmaid, but the bride’s three closest friends were readers. That friend graduated undergrad, got married, moved to the suburbs, and got pregnant in the span of a year, and the rest of us did not. We naturally grew apart, although we’re still friends, and maybe talk once every two or three months. The other two times I was in weddings was fairly recently (we are all early 30’s), and I talk to them at least twice a week.

    8. I had 4 – two besties, my SIL and a not as close friend. I’m still close with my besties but the other friend and I had some issues. I think she didn’t really want to be in the wedding but didn’t know how to say no, so she agreed but then acted kind of nasty about everything and really hurt my feelings. I’ve never been a bridesmaid! My besties and SIL are still single.

    9. I’ve been tapped for two weddings in the past 3 years, but didn’t end up being in either of them. One never actually happened due to some really weird circumstances. I’m not as close with that bride as I used to be, and some of it is a result of the circumstances surrounding her wedding, but mostly because it was a cherry on top of years of other issues.

      The other bride treated me horribly in general and had mostly tapped me for her sole bridesmaid because she had no sisters and had burned a lot of other bridges. About 6 months before the wedding I finally woke up to how unhappy I was in that friendship, and fortunately planning hadn’t really gotten off the ground yet, so I bowed out completely. I think she ended up having her mom stand next to her.

      I’m getting married in two weeks (!). The first bride is invited, the second one is not. My bridesmaids are my two sisters as well as my fiance’s, so I sure hope we are all still close later in life (technically I chose one of the groomsmen as well; he’s a dear longtime friend and I fully expect that we will still be close in 10 years).

    10. I had 3 (got married while in law school, 2 years post-college):
      – MOH – Best friend since high school; see her every few weeks and text/email regularly
      – Good friend from college; we keep in touch through Facebook but drifted apart during our respective intense BigLaw/Big Consulting years.
      – Good friend from law school; we get together 2-3x a year (often a double date since our husbands get along well too), about as often as is practicable given her young kids

      In hindsight I would probably have just had my best friend as maid of honor. The other friends will be just as happy to celebrate you WITHOUT the additional logistics and expenses.

      1. +1 to “The other friends will be just as happy to celebrate you WITHOUT the additional logistics and expenses.”

    11. I had five bridesmaids at my first wedding in 198… what? 84, I think? I had been maid of honor for one of them a couple of years earlier. Four of them (including the one for whom I was MOH, as well as the sister of the guy I was marrying at the first wedding) were at my third wedding in 2016. I haven’t talked to the fifth in years.

      I had two bridesmaids at my second wedding in 1999 (was maid of honor for one of them) and I am not in touch with either of them any more.

      Third time I only had my son standing up with me. We’re going through a rough patch right now but you know… it’s my son! And he was just a guest at my birthday party last weekend in NYC.

    12. Yay! Thank you for asking this! Background: I am mid-thirties, single, and live in Texas. I have gone from wanting four or five bridesmaids, to wanting only my blood sisters, to not wanting any wedding party. I am not cynical about marriage at all, but am quite over the whole wedding industry and all of the parties that the bridal party is expected to host, attend, and bring gifts to.

      May 2018: Was the MOH for a friend who I’d been close for about a year, we are already losing touch, mostly because we’ve grown apart. This one felt really strange, but I still wanted to be a supportive friend.

      2014: Bridesmaid for my brother’s wedding. Was and am very close to my now sister-in-law. However, she no longer speaks to the MOH.

      2012: Bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. Was very close to the bride off and on for many years before and after the wedding but no longer keep in close touch. We had a bit of a short-term falling out the week before the wedding–fair or not, I still hold it against her. I saw some true colors that week that I haven’t been able to unsee.

      2012: Co-MOH for my sister’s wedding. Very close to my sister, but the wedding definitely put a short-term strain on our relationship.

      2011: Bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. Very close friends at the time, no longer in touch, no hard feelings.

      2010: Other brother’s wedding. Was close to my sister-in-law for several years after but family politics have since soured a bit.

      2010: Bridesmaid in a friend’s destination wedding (i.e., expensive). She lives in the same city but we haven’t stayed in touch. No hard feelings.

    13. The first time I got married my two sisters were my bridesmaids. My husband’s sister and brother stood in his side. I haven’t talked to anyone on his family since we divorced. I talk to my sisters pretty much daily, even if we are fighting. (One of my sisters is “difficult” – the word we have always used in my family)

      I didn’t have any bridesmaids when I married my current (hopefully forever) husband as we got married in Vegas.

    14. I got married in 2010, and had 4 bridesmaids. My MOH was, is, and will always be my best girl friend. Two were college friends who I really don’t keep up with anymore for a variety of reasons. Nothing bad, just mutual fade. Fourth was one of DH’s good friends who we keep in touch with to the extent we can now that she lives in Australia!

      1. Adding: I would only ever agree to be a bridesmaid for my MOH, and no one else. Nope. Too much damn drama. I’ve never been one and don’t really want to start; I didn’t really even want to have them myself but notions of “tradition” and all that won out. DH has been a groomsman 3x and that was the plum assignment, I tell ya.

    15. I got married at 36. Most of my friends were married and many had young kids, people they’d prefer to sit with (vs standing in uncomfortable shoes in scratchy wear-once dress). Each week I can get myself to/from one end of a church and back just fine. And I lived in city A, wedding was in rural area B, and friends and inlaws were in city C. We had a big party in city C as a hens weekend and no attendants at all at the wedding. It was more like a big party with a short Episcopalian wedding before at a church. I think it worked well for us.

    16. No bridesmaids here. We got married short-notice (4 weeks from engagement to wedding) and had only 12 guests. I guess we could have each had our one sibling stand next to us, but it was a 10 minute ceremony in a restaurant and it seemed totally unnecessary. We had pictures done with everyone anyway. I’ve also never been a bridesmaid. If my sister marries and wants me to be one, I’ll happily do it, but otherwise I feel I’ve dodged a bullet. The one wedding my husband stood up in was enough vicarious experience for me.

    17. I’ve been in 5 weddings and am still close with 4 of the brides. The 5th (which was actually the first, chronologically) married young and we were really high-school friends and I was surprised that she asked me to be in the wedding. The other 4 brides were all my bridesmaids themselves. The only other person in my bridal party besides the 4 of them was my brother. My wedding was 2 years ago. My bridesmaids’ weddings range from 8 years ago to 8 weeks ago (3/4 were already married at my wedding). I talk to the one who just got married at least once a week, I talk to two of my bridesmaids every couple months but still consider them some of my best friends– our conversations are like we have never been apart. The fourth bridesmaid, I rarely talk to, unless we’re trash talking each other’s fantasy football teams, but I see her every 3-4 months and spend a good portion of the weekend together (she lives in my old city, where Mr. Brooke still works, so we go back frequently). I am long-distance from all my bridal party.

    18. I’ve been a bridesmaid 10 times – mostly family but a few oldest friends, too, so I do speak to them. I was asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding for a college friend that required significant travel that I just couldn’t make work and I had to back out (well in advance). Given that our friendship had already soured before (she got mad at me for not visiting her in another country or emailing her enough when I was in law school and really struggling emotionally and health-wise), I knew that she would end the friendship over it and she did.

      I did not have any bridesmaids other than flower girls – a decision I made probably 15 years before after already being a junior bridesmaid too many times. Friends and family were really grateful! (Wearing whatever you want. No “duties”. No waking up at 6am for makeup for a 3pm wedding. It was awesome for me – no managing several emotions other than my immediate family, no drama or hurt feelings about who was in and who wasn’t, no having to tell grown women how to spend their time and money.) Best of all – morning of was spent sleeping in for everyone and then hair and makeup was just my immediate family, mother-in-law, and flower girls watching kids’ shows. (And our would-be wedding party looked FAB with their own outfits!)

    19. Getting married this winter. My two bridesmaids are women I’ve been friends with for a long, long time.

      Their job is to pick out a dress and tell me what they want for their hair so the hairstylist can do it. No bridal shower, engagement party, or bachelorette party.

    20. No bridesmaids–no guests except nuclear family and one friend who was like an adoptive parent. However, I did informally ask my best friend from high school to be MOH–we got as far as a pintrest board before DH and I significantly moved up the date and she told me she couldn’t afford plane tickets.
      We email long catch-ups every few months, which has been our routine for years. Sometimes we drift apart because of different values, but I think we’ll always be able to reconnect.

    21. I had 2 bridesmaids, and no maid of honor. We paid for everything (hair, makeup, dress & tailoring) except shoes. They got to choose their dress style between them, and chose a dress they both liked that was flattering and comfortable on both of them. They organized invites, reservations, favors for my bachelorette party after I picked the restaurant and entertainment I wanted, including the 2 games I wanted to play (they were happy to coordinate and not have to think up ideas) – and it was an amazing night. We also had a day-of coordinator, so they didn’t have to do anything except have fun and enjoy the day, and help me with my dress while I was in the loo.
      Am close and see both of these ladies regularly. Low-drama was important to me, and I did not want them to shoulder a financial burden to take part in the day.

    22. I got married 8 years ago with four bridesmaids: sister, husband’s sister, undergrad bestie, law school bestie. I have subsequently been a bridesmaid in all of their weddings except husband’s sister (who didn’t have any bridesmaids). Those weddings were 3 months, 1 year, and 18 months ago respectively. I am still friends with all of them.

  27. I’m getting married in this dress (link to follow), and can’t decide if I should wear my hair up or down. I will be getting it professionally styled regardless. I have a lob style haircut that is about 1 inch past my shoulders. If I wear it up it would most likely be a low loose chignon type of look. Down would be a blowout of some kind.

    2. What time of year? Is wind or humidity a concern? Or will you be cold and wish your neck was covered? I had a similar wedding (weekday afternoon ceremony + family dinner) and wore my hair up in a loose chignon and I’m glad I didn’t have to think about it all day. It was up and out of my way and I didn’t have to worry about it at all.

      1. It’s in the fall in the midwest. I will probably be cold, bringing a jacket but hoping to take some outdoor photos without it. Humidity and wind could definitely be issues, and it could rain.

        1. +1 for wearing it up. Not only elegant with the dress, but it means you never have to wonder if your hair is doing something weird in photos.

    3. That’s a beautiful dress and I think the models look great with their hair down.

  28. I posted late in the weekend threat about being dumped and I just wanted to say I really appreciated the responses I got. Honestly, I didn’t think anybody would still be reading but I just had to say something about it, even to an internet open thread.

    Since I was a teenager, I’ve always had this feeling that I’ll never be in the kind of mutually loving, long-term relationships that so many people have. Getting dumped in such a hurtful way just made me feel that even more acutely. Thankfully, I have a wonderful therapist who I will work on this with. But I’m curious, has anybody else ever felt that way? I’m not entirely sure why I feel like that — maybe it’s some lack of self-confidence or self-worth, although I certainly don’t feel that way in other areas of my life.

    2. OMG I always felt that way. Seriously I would read posts on here where people said “my husband treats me like a queen” and I would just wonder “what color is the sky in your world?” I had two husbands and the first one was inadequate and the second one was just horrible.

      The good news (and please forgive me because I know I am about to sound like a Smug Married) is that at the ancient, ancient age of 55 or more I found The One and it’s even better than I could have imagined. They’re out there, it can happen. I’m so sorry you are hurting but don’t give up!

      1. Senior Attorney, thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me that somebody else knows this feeling.

    3. I’ve felt like that since I was a kid. I would dream about my wedding like a typical girl, but I never ACTUALLY thought it would happen – even as a little girl. And that now I’m 33 and single and it seems like my permanent state. I have certainly tried and tried and tried, but it never works out. I just don’t think I’m like other girls who seem to have things come more easily to them. Good things don’t seem to happen very often to me. Self sabotage? Self fulfilling prophecy? I don’t know.

    4. I always thought I would die single. Didn’t date in high school. While other women got roses and love from men, I got dumped for not putting out. My twenties went by.

      Eventually, I decided that if I wasn’t going to find a good man, it would be for the right reasons (ie he’s just not out there), not because I was too messed up from dating jerks or allowed the garbage to change me. I took some time off from dating, then went out almost exclusively on set-up with friends of friends. All of those men are nice people; most are now married.

      I got engaged at age 36. Seeing a diamond in my fiance’s hand was surreal. It was at once overwhelming joy and a feeling of living someone else’s life – someone for whom it all finally worked out.

    5. Just in case you’re still reading or have notifications on….
      I absolutely know what you mean. I think for me part of it is that my parents were never particularly happy together, I always knew they were “stuck” together for us and for financials, and my cousin from a seemingly happier family bullied me like crazy. My family tried, despite various self-medicating-issues, etc, but it never quite worked. I’m sure the feelings can grow from many different situations, though.
      I just never, ever pictured the wedding, husband, house, white picket fence, 2.5 kids for me. In retrospect, I think I knew that that deep conviction was why I put up with my very-long-term-boyfriend not truly committing to me through our 10 year relationship (although he had no issue finally finalizing his divorce and marrying the girl he met when he was breaking up with me, only two years later…)
      So. Just in case you’re still reading. I have no advice. I have looked for a good therapist but just relocated, and the last couple of them didn’t seem to dig deep enough with me, since I’m coping perfectly well and doing quite well in the rest of my life. I’m 34. Attempting to date. But it’s hard when deep down you don’t really believe it’s going to be worth it….
      But. You’re not alone. At all.

  29. Maybe depends on the jewelry? What will necklace/earrings look like? If simple, hair down, if bigger, maybe hair up?

  30. Meeting my new-ish boyfriend’s family for the first time next month. Neither of us are from the city where we live, and neither of our families are local, so any sort of “meet the parents” involves travel. Add on that his parents recently moved to a new state to retire, so its the first time that he and his brother are seeing the new place, too. What do I bring as a gift? He of course says “you don’t need to bring any gift.” We’re 30, and have been dating about six months, if that matters.

    1. Maybe bring something local from your city? I’m from L.A. and I always like to bring See’s Candy. Something like that.

      2. I didn’t know See’s was a local thing. We’ve had it in Arizona for more than 30 years.

        1. It’s not at all. I live in Indiana and it’s sold here, I’ve bought it in Massachusetts etc. it’s a nice gift but not local at all.

    2. Bring a bottle of wine, unless they are alchol-free or AA candidates. They can always regift it but do not tempt them with wine if they are not on the wagon. Sheketovits’es family keeps the sauce away from him and that is a good thing, especially since he is dating a pretty girl who so far has not seen his ugly side.

  31. I Posted before about heading to Midwest for college tour – we fly into Champaign Illinois Thursday and spend a night at a hotel right on campus.

    Any recommendation for dinner restaurant? Just myself and teen boy – we are from San Francisco and excited for some Midwest food lol

    1. For some campus favorites I recommend Black Dog Smokehouse or Maize. Big Grove Tavern, Destihil, and Nando are fancier downtown Champaign restaurants. Farrans is a pub with burgers I dream about, so good. Papa Dels for deep dish pizza. Courier Cafe is a cafe with salad bar that’s kind of a classic for breakfast (or lunch, dinner). Check out the Curtis Orchard if you have time!

      1. +1 for Papa Dels — if you’re in search of classic Midwest college town comfort food, it’s been there for decades.

    2. Black Dog and Papa Dels are the only two that I MUST hit when I go home for a visit.

  32. My husband and I are traveling next summer to France so that my history buff husband can spend time exploring Normandy. So far, we have planned Paris for 3 days, a day trip to Reims and 4 days in Bayeaux to see Normandy. What should we do with our remaining 3 days? I was leaning toward going to Switzerland but the travel time to get there seems like such a waste. Should we stay in France and visit other cities? Take the chunnel to London? Other thoughts?

    1. Is this your first time in Paris? I’d honestly spend the extra days there, if so. Let yourself relax into the city rather than being busy with an itinerary. 4 days also sounds like a LOT for Normandy but maybe your husband wants to see EVERYTHING? Maybe take a side trip to Mont St Michel while you’re over there.

      If not, spend a few days in a Loire Valley chateau? Or how about Provence for that South of France / idyllic summer feel?

      1. Thank you for the response! Yes, it is our first time in Paris so maybe we will look into spending more time there. The four days in Bayeaux consist of a 2 day private tour of Normandy (bucket list item for him!) and then a visit to Mont St Michel and probably a day trip to the Brittany area.

        I’ll look into the other areas that you mentioned as well. Thank you!

        1. 6 days in Paris could be the perfect introduction (even if you have to split it in half to accommodate the Normandy time, as I assume below…).

          Day 1: First full day. Get yourself up early and spend most of the day outside to get yourself on the time zone. Could be a good day to explore the 7th (Eiffel photo op; be sure to book well in advance if you want to go up in the elevator), go on a Seine cruise, assemble a picnic lunch along Rue Mouffetard and head to Luxembourg Gardens…. or — if you’re ambitious — head down to Versailles and be sure to allow plenty of time for the gardens and grounds.
          Day 2: Classic Paris time. I suggest the Rick Steves “Historic Paris Walk” — Notre Dame, St. Chappelle, etc. Allow time to linger over a cafe lunch so you don’t get into Art and Church Overload.
          Day 3: Reims day trip {if you’re looking for an amazing experience beyond the history of the area, check out the Cris-Event champagne tours!}
          Day 4: Museum choice depends on your priorities. I personally like the Orsay/Orangerie better than the Louvre (Impressionism being my favorite). The Decoratif (next to the Louvre) might have something special to see. Your husband might enjoy the Cluny or Army museum (even I, a history… liker?… enjoyed Army).
          Days 5-8: Normandy etc.
          Day 9: Back in Paris? Explore Sacre-Coeur and Montmartre — pretty views abound.
          Day 10: Wander around the Marais. Duck into the Picasso museum or Pompidou center if you’re inclined, or make your way over to Pere lachaise cemetery. Linger in Place des Vosges over a coffee or wine.
          Day 11: What’s left on your “would LOVE to experience” list? Fabulous shopping/window shopping and cocktails at the Ritz? Seeing Monet’s gardens in Giverny (a doable half-day on the train)? Absorbing more museums? Just walking around the Left Bank and cafe-hopping? Ahhhhhhh.

        2. Super late in the day, but we did 9 days in Paris. Flew into Paris, rented a car and immediately went to Bayeux. We stopped in Giverny on the ride out to Bayeux. We did 3 nights in Bayeux, and that was more than enough. One of the days was spent on an outstanding guided tour (Bayeux Shuttle, full day American tour, I believe) of all the Normandy. The second full day there we spent in our car going back to the locations we wanted to spend more time at but couldn’t because we were on full-day tour.

          On the last day we left Bayeux in the morning, did lunch in Honflur, returned the car to the airport in Paris and then got to the hotel to check in. Got to Paris around dusk and immediately jumped one of the uber toursity but totally awesome river cruises to get our lay of the land via guided tour. We spend the rest of the time in Paris and it was perfect. We are not huge museum people to be honest – we were in and out of the Louvre in record time – but there is still SO much to see, restaurants to eat in, parks to just stop and relax in and streets to get lost on.

          Enjoy. It’s the greatest!!!

      2. I agree! Three days in Paris will absolutely fly by if it’s your first trip. I could spend 6 days in Paris every year for the rest of my life and never tire of that city.

        If you’re really set on seeing other parts of France, the Loire Valley is lovely and not terribly far from Paris. I also really like Biarritz (or Cap Ferret) and the south of France (St Paul de Vence, Villefranche sur Mer, Antibes, Eze), but it would be a fair amount of travel to get to any of those places for only 3 days.

    2. When I was last in France we spent I think 3-4 days of an 11 day France trip in Paris and that was plenty– definitely preferred the Loire, Nice, and Normandy. So I wouldn’t go to another country in that time but don’t think you necessarily need more Paris time either.

    3. Go to either the South of France (near Cannes, but look into options such as St Raphael, Juan Les Pins, etc. that might be less well travelled) or the Southwest, like Arcachon or La Palmyre, where the beaches are nice and the seafood is tremendous!

    4. Re Reims – spent 1.5 days there and .5 in Epernay. There is a tour of the Reims cathedral (at least in summer, check–it was at 4pm in English/French) that allows you to go all the way up in the ramparts and view the city from above. It was spectacular–I have spent an inordinant amount of time visiting cathedrals all over Franch and Spain and this was truly memorable–worth it. I really enjoyed the Pommery crayere (cave) tour in Reims. The tasting rooms were far closer together and more plentiful in Epernay, but Reims’ cathedral (and the Musee du Tau, just next door) were special. The Reims cathedral had tons of great photos showing the destruction of WWI, some gorgeous stained glass (including Chagall windows). The Musee du Tau was full of truly spectacular roman finds and really cool tapestries (swear, honest!). I stayed in a great airbnb if you want the rec. Reims was more set up for specific cave tours, Epernay had more tasting rooms where you could just taste. The crayere tours were very expensive (EUR 50 or more each place) and largely similar, from what friends told us. Pommery was neat–it had a lot of art in the caves. If you want more info on this leg of your trip, page me. Also note that you can take slower or faster trains to Reims–pay up for the bullet. Worth it.

  33. This is incredibly detailed and so helpful! I will be going over all of these options this evening. Thank you!

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