Thursday’s Workwear Report: Scoop-Neck Sheath Dress

410 Comments

1. Elizabeth, Great Pick!

   This scoop neck dress is perfect for me to show the Manageing partner! It is red, which is my best color that the Manageing partner wants me to wear in court, b/c the Judge also likes me in that color. It is only $60, which is a bargan and a welcome these days of inflation! Also I like it that the scoop neck does not go down all that far, but just far enough to keep me cooler in the summer if I have to walk downtown on the street, which is much warmer then it is by my apartement. I will show the manageing partner the dress as soon as he comes in today! Thanks again, Elizabeth!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

2. love this color and the sleeves!

   q for hive
   I’m in wegovy and lost 32 pounds since starting in Feb.

   lately i notice my skin….hurts. it feels overly sensitive especially in my back and around the back of my waist. I’m not sure if this is from losing weight or from the meds and would love to hear if anyone has had this experience and what they did.

   1. Are you moisturizing and hydrating?

      1. yes but great reminder to keep going

   2. I had this after I had a baby. I thought it was my skin shrinking back because I had stretch marks in that spot. I asked my derm during my annual mole check and she said it can also be nerve pain causing it.

      1. that’s good to know, that was my concern. I’ll go get it checked out.

   3. No advice for your skin (hope it feels better soon, though) but question about the wegovy — are you happy with it? Just got prescribed it.

      1. Not OP, but I’ve been taking for 10 weeks, and it’s near miraculous. There are some great support groups on Facebook if you are into that sort of thing. Majority of people have minimal or no side effects (me included) but obviously that isn’t universally the case.

         BUT, there’s a massive shortage for it right now, and doctors aren’t supposed to start anyone on it until that shortage ends. They aren’t even manufacturing the first three doses right now to discourage new starters (and starting on a higher dose against medical advice has put people in the hospital). So if you can find it, make sure you have the three starting doses in hand before beginning so you don’t face a supply disruption. You can also use Ozempic, which is the same medication branded for diabetes control, but that can impact your insurance approvals since they are technically for different purposes.

         1. OP here

            yes this is true regarding the shortage and there are other options for semiglutide.

            also agree it’s amazing for weight loss. I’m down 32 pounds in 3 months, the exact math works out to just around 2 pounds per week. every week.

            having said that, i do get some breakouts, in never really hungry or interested in good buy that was before too. the nauseau reduces, get sublingual Zofran. that’s key.

            i finally started to look like myself. I never ate much but IVF drugs walloped me and we did many many many cycles.

            1. I wish there were more options of this beyond Ozempis & Wegovy. Technically there is Rybelsus, but the max dose is so much less effective. :(

               I read about another med (Tirzepatide) that was just approved, but likely it’ll be a while until its available.

         2. Thanks for the feedback and info. I didn’t know about the shortage, but my doc did say it might take a week or two to get it … we’ll see, I guess!

   4. I started Wegovy at the end of January after being stalled nearly a year and maintaining a 75 lb weight loss. With Wegovy, I’m down almost 30 lbs and within 5 lbs of goal. OP, I have noticed a bit of soreness/tenderness but for me is seems to be all in my lower back and bottom. TBH, I chalk it up to losing my extra padding so I just feel things like hard seats more.

      1. hi wegovy pal

         congrats and let’s keep going!!

3. I am 8 months into a job and just realised I have a phone number! There was a phone in my office when I started but it wasn’t plugged in so I just left it on the shelf? Which prompted me to think, what other technologies will be obsolete in 5-10 years?
   We haven’t had a landline at home for 10 years, I haven’t used a scanner in ages or printed a plane ticket.

   1. We have a printer/scanner but I only use it once a year because my city requires tax forms to be printed and mailed in. My mom still has a scanner and uses it frequently. She had a lot of paperwork to take care of when my dad passed away.

      I’m 44 so it’s been interesting to see all the changes in technology over the years. I still have my first Razr flip phone basically for nostalgia purposes. My husband is five years older than me and has kept his old VCR and cassette deck player. And I still have the mix tapes he made me when we were first dating!

      As far as what will be obsolete – with streaming, maybe things like DVD/Blu-Ray players?

      1. Our vacation house doesn’t have internet or cable – it’s one of those rural areas you hear Congress talking about. We have a huge stash of DVDs there. (Satellite internet is abysmal, before anyone asks.) I think it’ll be maybe 20-ish years before access is democratized enough that everyone would give up their DVDs.

         I’m proud of my grandboss for weaning his addiction to printing the internet during the pandemic. He’s completely adept at doing nearly everything online now.

         1. Soon you will be able to use SpaceX’s Starlink service–satellite based–in the wilderness. Whoo!

      2. I got rid of my DVD player and DVDs years ago and haven’t missed them.

   2. I just successfully lobbied my office to get rid of our fax line.
      I’ve seen more than a few typewriters still occupying deskspace.
      On a daily basis I receive emails with pdf attachments where someone downloaded a pdf, scanned it, saved it and uploaded the attachment into the email. There is NO convincing them that they could skip all those steps and just attach the original pdf.
      Big State R1 University, where it’s still 1990 in many departments.

      1. Oh no! I’m at a UK university where there is literally no way to grade papers except online (I haven’t seen a hard copy essay since the first year of my PhD) and I wonder how some folks cope with it?

         1. I took a class last year where the instructor printed out our submissions, hand-marked, scanned and uploaded with feedback into the LMS, or had his TA do the downloading/printing/scanning/uploading, anyhow.

   3. I am not holding my breath on any of the above because I work in local government in a major city and a few departments still use typewriters…

      We also still need fax machines for coordinating with healthcare systems and scanners because many of the forms are not in PDFs so they have to be printed, filled out by hand and scanned. Partially because there isn’t a budget for a lot of adobe licenses so my departments IT guy has one and if we need to do more advanced adobe things he has to do it for us. Not everyone gets a work email (???) but with union regs we can’t require people to provide their personal contact information so there are people we just can’t contact off shift …

      My sister once dated a fed who voted Republican because he thought government had too much money and would work better if we were resource constrained. I told him that must be a nice problem for the feds to have but he should come out of his ivory tower and spend some time in local government because we do not have that problem.

      1. I fully support you not being able to contact people when they’re not on their shift. Work is work, life is life! So many places forget that. I know some people tend to think everything is an emergency but really there are very few emergencies in work. (Unless, of course, you’re a cop or firefighter or ER staff, etc)

         1. Oh no I mean we couldn’t contact people when the office shut down for Covid and tell them to stay home! I also support work is work and life is life and don’t want any bleed over but we can’t contact people in emergency situations, to offer overtime, etc.

            1. And for us offering overtime can be an emergency – I’m in public safety so being short staffed during an emergency is obviously dangerous!

               I’m a huge proponent of “not everything is an emergency” but in my line of work it often is!

   4. I’m a real estate lawyer, and I still deal with so many original documents for closings. Original deeds, mortgages, promissory notes…. I don’t know what I’d do without a scanner!!! Many counties I work with don’t allow you to e-record either, so someone from the title company has to hand deliver original documents to be recorded. I also got 6 faxes last week, but that is highly unusual.

      My boss, who just turned 44, does not understand how to print to pdf or compile a pdf/insert exhibits into a contract, so he is one of those that prints out every page he needs, puts the hard copy all together and then scans it.

      1. ok, but that’s not related to his age, he just sounds dumb

         1. He’s not dumb, he’s obstreperous. You will get old too and unwilling to change on certain things.

            1. I’m 44 and do all this on the regular for younger and older people who can’t be bothered to learn. Incurious people are the bane of my existence. This stuff isn’t that hard.

            2. Yeah. 44 is ancient. Those people can’t learn.

         2. over 44 and laughing as I’m teaching millenials to use Teams

      2. +1 re the scanner, but I am a T&E lawyer.

      3. My boss always wants every document to fit on a single page because he likes to print everything out and read from it that way during a meeting. Drives me BONKERS.

      4. I have had instances where I have to sign in ink, so I have to print the signature page and scan it back in after signing. I can’t do without the scanner.

         1. Scanner app for your phone! It actually works better than my home printer/scanner combo, which in true home printer/scanner fashion, only connects and works when it wants to.

            1. My home scanner is so much better than iscan and the other apps I’ve tried on my phone.

   5. At work: binding machines – used to have to bind our slide decks before every major meetings, but haven’t since 2020 even though we’re now back in person

      At home: I think TV channel changers will be going by the wayside as it becomes standard to just map our phones and use that. In the long run, I think the same movement of lots of other things to our phones (payments, boarding passes, etc) has already started. Even the parking meters in my hometown are smartphone enabled – frustrating for my parents who don’t have smart phones.

      1. I don’t like carrying my phone with me at all times (or using it for all the things), and am not a fan of smartphone only payment methods.

         1. I agree. Im a millennial and use my phone a lot but sometimes I just don’t want to have it on me…

            Also I hate that if my phone dies, is broken, etc I’m SOL. Last year my phone broke the same week there were protests in my city. All of the stores in the central district, including the Apple Store, were boarded up and closed for several days…

   6. Along the lines of the medical records need for faxes, what I wish would go away is the need to write out by hand my whole dang medical history every time I go to a doctor’s office, including doctors I have been to before and ones in the same medical system as my PCP. Like, what even is the point of having an EMR if you’re going to ask me to hand write it AGAIN every time I come in? And I have a rather uncomplicated medical history for a middle aged woman.

      A better process would be to give me a copy of what I turned in last time and ask me to make any updates – even better would be if this can be done on a tablet instead of pen and paper! So much less work for the patient, so much less work for some poor soul in the office who has to transcribe that information into the system (or does so in theory – I’m not convinced this always happens). And then 90% of the time when I actually go into the exam room, either the nurse or the doctor walks through what is in the computer to confirm it with me.

      1. I think this is largely going away. I haven’t filled out anything in my practice and they even somehow know when I had my vaccines etc.

      2. Meanwhile, my electronic medical record is replete with dumb errors that no one ever corrects!

         It’s frustrating because the real information is buried in there too (like my actual test results), but they’re summarized incorrectly — for one example, “myopathy” and “neuropathy” because they soundalike to the transcriptionist. And definitely some doctors seem to only look at the (incorrect) summaries.

4. Cat logistics question. We have had a long-standing mouse problem that we can’t seem to stop. They get in somehow and we hear them in the walls. They they die and the stench is awful. We want to get a cat. Obviously, the cat won’t be able to get inside the walls but we’ve heard that the presence of a cat can be enough. Yes? No? Maybe if the cat is also allowed outside in the fenced yard?And it’s not on a whim — kids have been asking for a while and our dog has done well with meeting them.

   1. You will be told that not all cats are great mousers and that is true. But so long as you accept that risk, I think the odds are with you if you go get a nice young shelter cat. I didn’t even realize mice could be a real problem until recently because I always had cats.

      1. Agree. A feral cat took up residence in my crawl space when I was doing work on it and gave birth to her kittens there. The neighbors are clamoring for the kittens, because apparently kittens of feral cats are more likely to have learned hunting? I’m not a cat person, but I guess it makes sense.

         1. My big lazy brother boys were feral kittens and now still begrudgingly catch a mouse on occasion just to keep their skills sharp. The better mouser just stunned but did not kill a little noise two days ago, in the yard. I grabbed it and threw it back in the bushes.

            Mouser cat is 12.

            I was most impressed with him when he leapt dramatically though the air from the garage roof to the fence top and killed a very large rat. It happened right in front of us. This from a guy who spends the majority of his day either sleeping or begging for wet food.

            1. *a little mouse, not a little noise

   2. Agree that not all cats are great mousers. Mine sleep the majority of the day and I don’t think a lump of fur laying in the sun will keep the mice away. You’ll probably need to work with an extermination company to get the issue fixed.

      Get a cat if you want a pet. They all have different personalities and if you adopt one from a shelter or rescue, they can help you find one who would get along with dogs.

      1. The cats can be a deterrent just by living with you, even if they don’t really mouse. The mice smell them.

   3. Anecdotal data: I’ve lived in 6 houses/apartments in my current town. The three I lived in before I had cats all had mice at least occasionally, but the three I’ve been in since getting cats have none. The cats are indoor only, but would be oh so thrilled to catch a mouse if one ever appeared (they vigorously attack all insect and lizard invaders and stalk the birds and squirrels outside the window).

      1. I haven’t had evidence of mice in my garage since I started leaving the door cracked just enough for a friendly, and rather fat, black snake to come and go as s/he likes. Garage snake more than earns their keep.

         1. How do I get a garage snake? Asking for a friend.

            1. Make your yard wildlife friendly and they’ll turn up. Your local extension service should have solid info on native landscaping for your particular area.

            2. OP here — we have all sorts of raptors (owls, hawks, bunnies living in the azaleas) on a 1/3 acre lot in a close-in area in my city, so I feel like we have much wildlife for our area. Do the raptors eat the snakes? Or co-exist? The critter control guy found a snake in the crawl space and moved him to behind the shed so he could work at sealing gaps. So one snake? Have not seen him since and would like for him to make some friends.

            3. I get the most snakes when I let my grass grow a bit taller than my neighbors would probably like, but don’t really do anything to specifically encourage or discourage them. I think they mostly eat lizards and baby rodents (so fewer grow up to be adult, reproducing rodents). It really only takes one adult black snake to keep things well under control (if Garage Snake has friends, I’ve never seen them). I do see the occasional oak snake from time to time. They’re very pretty.
               I’m in Florida, so I try to plant things that provide shade, as well as slowly but surely reducing the amount of invasives and lawn I have.

            4. Well damn. Now I, too, want a garage snake. I will happily trade all the garage spiders for one. (Shudder)

         2. Raptors and snakes coexist. Lots of snakes eat bird eggs and raptors eat smaller snakes, but they both eat mice!

   4. I wish you were in the UK, I’d happily bring you our cat, who is an excellent mouser.

   5. Keep the cat indoors. The smell will convince the mice to leave, even if the cat is a lazy mouse hunter.

   6. I think my cats would be more likely to run from a mouse than the other way around, but I’ve never had a mouse when neighbors have had problems. I think the cat smell deters them

   7. I’ve had a cat and mice one of the only times I had mice, so it wasn’t a deterrent. Also, how close are your nearest neighbors? When I lived in the city, we had a neighbor’s dog poisoned after chewing on a rat. If anyone nearby is baiting, then the cat also is at risk. If you have a mouse problem, you’re better off just hiring an exterminator who will plug holes and bait IMHO.

      1. Along these lines, please don’t use anticoagulant poisons. They frequently kill pets and all kinds of other animals that eat rodents- hawks, owls, coyotes, bobcats- even lots of dead mountain lions are found to have significant concentrations of anticoagulants, which can cause them to bleed out and die or cause other health issues at lower doses.

         1. OP here: we use peanut butter snap traps. Successfully for the basement mice but the wall-dwellers apparently don’t come in that way or don’t like peanut butter. 20 kills and counting for 2022. 5+ wall episodes :(

            1. hav a heart traps plus choc chips…..

   8. Another anecdote: I’m currently renting a house in which the previous tenant, who did not have a cat, had a mouse problem in the basement. I have lived here almost a year with my one cat, and have not heard or seen any evidence of mice, either in the basement or the main part of the house.

   9. If you’re going to let the cat outside only do so with a leash/harness. This is for the safety of both the cat and native bird populations. I have cats but the solution to mice is really thoroughly sealing your home. Every nook and cranny must be accounted for. It’s not hard it just takes time to methodically walk around a house and plug every possible entry point.

      1. OP here — we had a guy do that — under various crawl spaces for 6+ hours and he and I are baffled. It may just be time for an apex predator. Older frankenhouse where a deck makes some areas inaccessible to anyone who can’t army crawl in the dark.

         1. OMG “frankenhouse” is how I’m going to be describing my 120 year old house with a 1950s(?) extension and a 2000s(?) extension on slab and a 1970s(?) basement dug out and finished.

         2. OMG, I love frankenhouse. I have one of those too.

   10. My $.02 says don’t get any pet unless you want a pet. There are easy ways to mitigate for mice. To start, grab a flash light and go around the outside of your house pointing it at the house. Have someone inside the house looking for the light. Then fill that small gap with foam filler. In that same vein, cover any vents and seal with caulk. After I did this, the mice stopped finding their way in. You could also hire a handyperson to do these things. Good luck!

       1. OP here — absolutely! We already have a dog and I’ve fostered cats before, so adding a cat will not be a problem. The kids are nuts for cats. Now that the puppy is past the puppy phase, I’m open to adding a second non-puppy pet. But maybe a garage snake? Kidding. Sort of. Happy for any pet, even if not a net contributor in its theoretical SME area.

   11. If what you mean is, “we are ready to add a second pet, and we think a cat is a really good fit. As a side benefit, we’d love it if it helped with our mouse problems”- then go for it! Otherwise be prepared for the 1/10 cats that don’t help ;).

   12. FWIW I’m surprised the presence of a dog hasn’t been a deterrent.

       1. OP here — dog barks at everything except the sounds of critters trying to break through the walls FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE. Dog cares about food and outdoor people/animals. Not about mice. He is charming but possibly not very bright.

       2. We used to live in a townhouse with a cat. The cat started hanging out by the closet housing the furnace and water heater (which was next to our neighbors), and I suspected we had a mouse back there, but never saw evidence. Then the neighbors, who had two dogs, told us about their horrific mouse problem. They were catching dozens until they finally figured out where they were coming in. They found them in kitchen drawers, eating the dogs’ food, etc. But nothing sneaked into our place. I really do think the cat smell keeps them away and they DGAF about dogs.

       3. My 3 dogs did not help at all with mice. We added one very friendly, very sweet cat who is entirely an indoor cat and the mice situation has improved.

   13. My cat is great at catching mice but then he plays with them and the mice are not at all intimidated by him.

       1. OP here — what is confounding is that the mice have not (yet) breached the walls into the living space. But the racket of what sounds like a critter sans opposable thumbs using a metal file or hacksaw, it’s just a matter of time. So I have lived in mouse houses where they would get in through the pipes into the kitchen (and then into the house generally), and I’d have to just firebomb the house and I like it otherwise. There are so many small holes (water line to sink, water line to dishwasher, water line to refrigerator, electrical lines, a gas line to the stove, duct for HVAC, ducts for old HVAC system, knob and tube wiring we hopefully all pulled out but there may be holes where that was?, older stuff b/c the house is 100-sh years old, insulation obscuring things from the crawl space, etc., etc. AN OLD HOUSE IS A DIFFICULT LOVE.

          1. I made a truce with the mice in my house that they could stay if they just stayed in the walls or crawl space. The noise in the middle of the night really annoyed me, though.

   14. The only way you learn your indoor cat is a good mouser is by having mice, so I don’t think the deterrent idea will work. We have 3 cats and live in an apartment building, and only learned we had mice when one of the cats started catching them and presenting us with half dead mice. Ostensibly they could have skipped our apartment if favor of a catless one if they really wanted to; I think ours was just the one they could get into. This cat is also good at catching large roaches–waterbugs–which again is a double edged sword as I’d kind of rather be ignorant of their presence in my home. That said, there are tons of cats needing a home, especially in the spring, but one might get lonely, so get a bonded pair!

   15. In my experience the presence of a cat is definitely not enough. When the mice did come out of the walls, it still wasn’t enough because when she caught them all she did was play with them and let them go.

   16. I have a cat that likes to eat cheese and nap on the couch. She is like a golden retriever cat — social, friendly, portly, happy to see everyone. She displays exactly zero feral tendencies, but she managed to get a chipmunk from off our deck last week. If you get a cat, mice will go away. It may catch them, or it will frighten them to move on. Either way, you win. And, you get the benefit of having the pet your family wants! Go for it.

   17. My suggestion is to find the very best rodent control people in town and get them in to take care of the problem. That will include, at a minimum, going all over the perimeter of the house and sealing all the access points, as well as cleaning out any existing nests. It will be expensive but rodents are horribly destructive. After that, maybe get a cat. We got our kitties after going through the whole rodent abatement process and so far, so good with them just lounging around the house.

   18. Not what you were asking for but Rat-Sorb works wonders at knocking down dead rodent smell.

   19. I have a cat. She catches mice when she feels bringing us a special reward, but doesn’t do anything about the much larger roof rats that are constantly trying to get into our attic. We had to get a pest company come out to do exclusion work for the rats. Just my experience.

5. Talk to me about probiotics—have you taken them? Have you found them beneficial? Any resources that you’ve found to be solid (so much stuff I find on the internet seems like people just passing around somewhat flimsy information). I’m dealing with some digestive stuff, and am seeing doctors, but am also wanting to learn more about gut health.

   1. I just eat yogurt for breakfast. It seems to work well enough.

      1. My belly was the happiest it’s ever been when I was eating unpasturized yoghurt from a farmers’ market van in Belgium, fruit, and allbran for breakfast every day. I had no stomach grumbles, and my belly was flat.

   2. I’ve taken them but have found dietary changes more helpful for me personally (if you’re eating food that doesn’t agree with you no probiotic can solve that!). If you want to try though no harm in it. Gut health can become a rabbit hole very quickly!

   3. I have and I do think they help in limited ways. I think there are a lot of crappy ones that aren’t good though. I tend to get something refrigerated with a lot of good bacteria types. Don’t go for the cheapest option. I primarily take them when/after I take antibiotics and give them to my kids when they have stomach issues.

   4. I’m a microbiologist and have read a lot of research on this. There’s certainly potential for probiotics to be useful, but not great evidence for them in reality. The main issues are 1. microbial communities are complicated and just taking probiotics doesn’t mean they stick around in your gut. If the conditions in your gut aren’t right, you’re going to have to keep taking them every day forever; 2. no regulation means there’s no guarantee they’re what you think you’re buying and many will be dead before you consume them. The best evidence seems to be for taking them after antibiotics to replenish the ones you wiped out. After that, most evidence suggests that a high fiber diet is more important for supporting a “healthy” gut microbial community (we don’t actually know how to define a healthy gut community, which complicates all of this research). Lots of fiber can be hard if you’re already having gut issues, but it’s probably worth it to figure out what things you can tolerate. All that said, fixing most health problems like this ends up being a matter of trial and error, so there’s not a lot of harm in trying probiotics, just don’t have super high expectations.

      1. THANK YOU — it is so helpful to hear from someone who has knowledge of the foundational stuff related to all this!

   5. I am skeptical of the efficacy of probiotic pills, although I do take Culturelle whenever I am on antibiotics because my doctor recommends it. On a daily basis I prefer to consume my probiotics in delicious foods. Yogurt, kombucha, water kefir, kimchi, miso, etc.

   6. My husband has had a total 180 re: his gut by switching to Greek yogurt with berries, granola, and chia seeds for breakfast. He also cut WAY back on caffeine. He had various issues but with those two tweaks they are all gone.

      1. Good point about the caffeine. That can be a real trigger for a lot of people.

         In addition, if you have a component of irritable bowel (and don’t know it) that is worsened by stress, cutting your caffeine, will decrease your feelings of anxiety, which will help quiet your bowels via second mechanism.

         So cutting caffeine for bowel issues is a great thing to try.

      2. I eat like crap off and on throughout the week but 100% of the time eat either yogurt or oatmeal for breakfast (or both) and have never had any gut issues.

         1. This used to be me, but (sadly) isn’t anymore. Aging and stress are catching up with me, it seems.

   7. Have you looked into prebiotics?

      1. No, I haven’t! I’d have to start by finding out the difference between the two!

   8. I think they help me and they don’t hurt me.

   9. I took probiotics for a while because I can’t eat dairy and didn’t notice a difference. However, I did notice a difference after I started eating kimchi and raw sauerkraut, and supplementing with the amino acid L Glutamine. So maybe try that?

6. I’m looking for fun classes to sign myself up for in the DC area. It could be anything – studio art, fitness, educational, meditation, nature related, legal related, really anything. I’m single and live alone and I think signing up for recurring classes where I’d see the same group of people for several weeks is what I need right now. Does anyone have any suggestions? I would really appreciate any ideas!

   1. Ballroom dance!

      1. Or tap! Or ballet! Dance class is so fun!

         1. DC does have adult tap classes. I looked into it pre covid!

   2. Yes!!! I love this topic. Check out your city or county’s rec offerings. E.g. DC DPR, Arlington community education, etc. I’ve taken language classes, yoga, etc. I’ve also heard good things about Culinarie (sp?) cooking classes. If you either post your specific interests or want to leave a burner email, I can reach out with more tailored options :)

      1. Thank you!! I forgot about Culinaire! I’m generally interested in any options but maybe most interested in art, sports/fitness, and anything that would be outside. But you seem full of ideas and I would love to hear any of them!

         1. If you’re interested in sports, I’d recommend joining a team, especially in an “actual” sport.

            I play rec league field hockey, I think “actual” sports get more buy in and people show up more regularly than they do for beer league kickball (which is very fun and I’d recommend trying that too!). Joined my field hockey team with one friend for one season and now there’s ~10 of us who play year round together.

         2. Re art, check out the Hill Center. Re workouts, there’s many different options through gyms (I tend to like smaller, women-owned centers). Maybe Mint?

            Also look at the Smithsonian calendar!

         3. Culinaerie closed :(

   3. Also in DC – there’s a couple of community theaters in the area that offer some performance based classes (dance, voiceover work, improv, etc.) that are fun if you’re arts focused.

   4. Smithsonian Associates had this pre covid. Check out if they have reoccurring in person studio art now.

   5. The Made in VA shop in Old Town Alex has classes – I really enjoyed the candle making class I took there one evening.

   6. Not sure if this is available in the DC area but I did trapeze classes, which were amazing.

      1. WheN I lived in DC, I always wanted to try the trapeze classes in navy yard!

   7. Fencing!

   8. Global Language Network – awesome language classes taught often by immigrants. I enjoyed mine soooo much.

   9. I’ve taken drawing classes through Montgomery College and really liked them. They offer all sorts of classes to the community. Of course it’s cheaper of you are actually a Montgomery County resident, though.
      Glen Echo has lots of art classes.
      Washington Improv classes are fun too!

7. I’m feeling really stuck in life and I think I need someone else’s help to figure out how to change this. Who do people go to for this? Therapists? Life coaches? Books? I’m just feeling lost and haven’t been able to figure this out myself but it’s making me miserable.

   1. You can do all those things, but nothing makes me feel better than a solid heart to heart sit down chat with a good friend.

   2. Books! I went through a similar phase and just checked out a book or two a week on different areas I wanted to improve on. Time management (I like Laura Vanderkam’s books). Interior decoration (turns out I enjoy minimalism). Did my colors (I am a warm autumn! Life changing for clothing and wakeup). Skincare routines (turns out I don’t want one :)). The biggest and most helpful thing was personal finances – learning how to take better control of my money gave me incredible independence.

      1. Great suggestions. Well done.

   3. Rachel Brown does virtual life coaching: rachelmbrown dot com

   4. For me it was therapy. I was outwardly successful but so stressed and unhappy. It took about 2 years of therapy to recognize and change a lot of negative beliefs I didn’t realize was holding. I honestly didn’t recognize my constant striving to be better as perfectionism and negative self talk. Now my outward situation is pretty unchanged but my mental health and satisfaction is much, much better.

      I’m curious about the hives experiences with life coaching. During that time I read a lot of books and listened to a lot of podcasts, but never hired a coach. The whole industry seemed unregulated with a high potential for hidden toxicity, but that is truly just my one opinion and may not be right.

      Of books I found Byron Katie’s The Work to be really helpful. I don’t go through her whole process but I still remind myself about my business vs their business vs god’s business often.

8. I’m hosting an afternoon end-of-year party for my daughter’s elementary school classmates, siblings and parents this weekend. We have not hosted a large non-family gathering since 2019 and my host skills feel really rusty! A co-host is managing kid- and adult-friendly snacks (mostly single-serve packaged snacks and drinks) and I’m providing the space, kid activities, and adult beverages. I’m planning a cooler of beer and probably a batch of sangria and a batch of Lynchburg lemonade. Am I missing anything? Is there anything that would make this type of gathering more fun for you? Any other/better easy-to-make-in-batches drinks or serving tips?

   1. I generally think that single serve beverages are easier at events like this, but that may be personal preference. Regardless, I recommend lots of water and sparkling water for adults who don’t want to drink alcohol.

      1. completely agree. i think it is SO much easier than batch drinks. if you are concerned about cost, honestly you don’t need a million different alcoholic beverages. beer + water bottles+ canned flavored sparkling water is fine.

      2. I agree. Just cans of beer, maybe some sort of white claw drink, non alcoholic cans and bottles of water. They even have cans of wine now.

   2. I’d make sure one of you is planning non-alcoholic seltzer or another non-boozy, non-sweet beverage for adults! Sounds like that is your co-host but good to be sure.
      Kid activities– lawn games like cornhole, giant Jenga or Connect 4.

   3. I would have non-alcoholic drinks for the adults too, if the kid drinks are something like Capri Suns and Kool Aid.

   4. We’ve been playing a frisbee game called Can Jam that’s really fun and sort of like corn hole. it keeps your hands busy while you chat and doesn’t require tremendous skill.

      I second a couple of flavors of sparkling water for a non alcoholic choice.

   5. Freezy pops! Or an assortment of popsicles, fudge pops etc if you have the freezer space!

   6. Too much booze for the afternoon with little kids and parents who drove there. I’d do some sort of nonalcoholic punch both kids and parents can have (virgin sangria?) and just have some cans of beer and white claw for parents who do want something with alcohol.

   7. I have several large glass beverage dispensers. I fill those with “accessorized” water: lemons, limes, mint, strawberries, etc., an herbal iced tea with honey, and lemonade. I put out a big ice bucket and 10 ounce cups–these are very popular. My friend who is a caterer uses wax paper bags–old fashioned–for individual half sandwiches, cookies, pretzels, etc. Seems cleaner during covid than platters of food and then not all food is processed food–some is home made and fresh. Have fun!

9. What would you do in this situation? Former VP at my company (who was my key business partner) signed a non-compete when she left. One of her closer colleagues who I’m friendly with has mentioned several times to “keep an eye out” on former VP’s LinkedIn (all but saying she would be hiring and I should apply). Well, the position just posted and I am interested – but not sure I’m qualified. Let’s say my work experience has been focused on writing about teapots, but this job is both writing about and doing some of the teapot construction myself. I’ve considered moving more into teapot construction, but I don’t have any experience yet. And the years of experience required is slightly more than I have (think minimum 12 years required and I have 9).

   What would you do? I feel like VP is signaling through this other colleague she wants me to apply. Do I reach out to her first to ask more about the position? Throw my resume in? I’ve been at the same company for the last 6 years and I’ve forgotten how all of this works!

   1. Apply! What’s the worst that could happen?

   2. You apply.

   3. I’d message your former colleague and ask to chat about the opening.

      1. Also, not sure why the non compete is relevant to your question, unless you think current colleague was saying to keep an eye on VP LinkedIn to see if you thought she was in breach, rather than to see the new position?

         1. Yeah, you lost me there.

         2. I assumed the non-compete meant that VP couldn’t reach out to me directly, which is why my colleague was being vague when she hinted about the position at first.

            1. That is a non-solicitation.

            2. I think the non compete could also land you in litigation, regardless of who reaches out. So just something to consider.

            3. It might be, but that’s anti poaching not non-compete. I’ve seen both in the same document.

               Typically if you reach out, it isn’t an issue. Ask your old colleague about the role.

   4. Jfc, reach out and apply!!

      1. This.

         1. +2

      2. +100000

   5. Sounds like you’re referring to a non-solicit. I think what they’re looking for is a paper trail that you saw the opening and initiated the contact in case your employer gets sassy about it (as opposed to them contacting you). Apply, then send an email that says you just happened to see on LinkedIn that they’re hiring, that you have submitted an application and that you’d love to learn more.

      1. This.

      2. This is helpful and good advice. Thank you.

      3. Exactly. If VP has a contract barring her from soliciting employees from your company, it is much better for her if you just apply on LinkedIn directly. After you formally apply, then reach out. I would still reach out with a phone call rather than an email though.

   6. Just apply! She clearly wants you in the applicant pool, so pretend you’re a mediocre white man and submit your application.

   7. Apply! I’ve gotten jobs for which I was clearly not qualified according to the job posting, but I was hired anyway, because the hiring person was looking for particular qualities that I did have and was willing to get me up to speed on the skill sets that I didn’t yet have. You never know if this is one of those jobs unless you put your hat in the ring.

   8. A contract you did not enter into has no bearing on you. Apply.

   9. Apply.

   10. What would a mediocre white man do?

       He’d think he was overqualified for the job.

       Go for it!!

10. Does anyone wear slip on sneakers that they love? I like having the convenience of being able to step into them, but I feel like everyone is wearing Vejas and tretorns. Would love suggestions but I’m also willing to hear that they’re out of style and I should buy something else.

    1. I love my Sperrys. I don’t know if they’re in style, but they’re comfortable, affordable, and I wear them with everything.

    2. Ooh following this. Bonus points for arch support. Even more for something I can get away with wearing all day at the office. My rothys are cute but unsupportive.

    3. If you don’t have narrow heels, you can lace your sneakers up loosely without tying them, then knot the laces on either side so you can slip them on and off. You can search for instructions on line. This is the standard way to wear Golden Goose and P448. I haven’t seen it in the wild with Vejas, but it ought to work.

    4. My Rothy sneakers are so much more comfortable than I thought they would be! I have the big cat print :)

    5. I have Ecco slip on sneakers that I love. Maybe a bit dated but very convenient and comfy.

    6. I love my Skechers sneakers. They have models that provide arch support.

       1. Yes, Skechers beat Ecco and Clark’s for me (and they’re cheaper).

    7. You can buy elastic laces that make any sneakers slip on. This changed my life when I discovered it!

       1. +1

    8. I like my Olukai slip ons.

    9. I love my Rothy’s sneakers. Highly recommended. I have the black with the white soles.

    10. Vince is the answer to this question. Pricey, but worth it.

    11. Dr. Scholls slip ons. I have several styles and my feet LOVE them – they are much more comfy than my Rothys, which sneakers i find run narrow. Plus they have held up well on frequent wear.

        Even if they are going out of style, you can peel these shoes off my cold dead body- along with my skinny jeans and side part.

11. Can we just stop with the “vegan leather?” Just call it what it is: PLASTIC fabrics. Fine if you don’t want to touch animal products and get yourself a cotton bag or pair of hemp shoes. But don’t think you’re saving the earth or some poor cow by choosing “vegan leather”–like saving a mink/fox with faux fur. That cow was already destined to be steaks and hamburgers. And as long as other people eat beef, there will be cowhides to spare.

    At this point, large parts of the cow are being trashed (after sinking in the resources to raise it for meat) because of the low demand for leather products. And NEW PLASTIC fabrics are being produced. How is that sustainable?

    * yes, I understand there are harmful chemicals and water usage in the tanning process and it would be the most sustainable to not to raise / eat beef, period. And not to buy things, period.

    The marketing people who coined “vegan leather” are evil evil geniuses…and have must worked for the oil & gas industry or something.

    https://fortune.com/2019/08/09/cowhide-glut-americans-devour-beef-and-buy-less-leather-jackets-more-vegan-fashion/

    1. Generally, I agree with your first point (though less emphatically). It is pleather. Not “vegan leather”. Also drives me nuts when the word “silk” is used to describe a non-silk shirt that is slinky / slippery.

       1. +1 on the silk comment. That should be banned. Silk is an actual fabric.

    2. I’ve been a vegetarian since the twentieth century and I judiciously purchase leather products: they last longer than “vegan leather.”

       1. +1

    3. I think this started with good intentions and has been co-opted. But generally in agreement

    4. Cannot stand fake leather for shoes – the foot sweat! That is why I am baffled by the love for Rothys- aren’t they essentially plastic shoes? Don’t they make your feet sweat? I understand that you can throw them in the washing machine to clean them when they get ripe, but aren’t they awfully hot and uncomfortable to wear?

       I’m kind of on the fence for fake leather bags, because some are decent quality and I’m not a handbag person, so tend not to spend a lot. I guess the solution is not to buy many – the fake leather bags I own have held up fine, probably because I have a few small ones for relatively infrequent casual use but my main work bag is leather.

       Pleather clothing… well, I’ll admit I kind of like bits of fake leather trim on some jackets and things. But I do agree that calling it vegan leather is a species of virtue-signaling that is just… wrong.

       1. No, Rothy’s are not uncomfortable at all in terms of foot temperature. I don’t find they make my feet sweat, and I love that I can wash them.

          1. +1000!

       2. Yes, you are 100% correct about Rothys. They smelled awful, and washing in the washing machine did not help.

    5. 100% agree with all of this. Vegan leather is a scam and has plenty of sustainability issues of its own.

    6. Oooor hear me out, you can only buy sustainable shoes (like natural fibres and rubber) AND only eat vegan food. Saving the animals and planet with both fashion and food.

       1. Legit question, do you have recs for sustainable (natural fiber) shoes? I would love to find some but it’s hard to sort through all the greenwashing.

          1. German company Wildling shoes is a legit sustainable company, with natural materials like paper, cork, cotton, hemp, wool and rubber.
             Zero drop sneakers and sandals.

    7. The most ridiculous thing is “vegan leather” bags that cost as much as real leather.

       1. +1 total agreement!

    8. Ok thanks for this rant because I honestly thought that vegan leather (as opposed to plastic) was a natural product, just not animal based. Like these experimental leathers from apple or mango peels. But I didn’t look further into it.

       1. There are fruit peel products. My understanding is manufacturers will heavily advertise they’re using “Apple Leather” and not just their product as “vegan leather”

    9. You’re right that most vegan leather is plastic. However, some is made from things like cork or apple skins. And while I understand that those animals have died anyway for meat consumption, many vegans just don’t want to participate in a bi-product of animal cruelty at all. Being sustainable and being cruelty-free aren’t the same thing, although many people do care about both. Honestly, an easier solution if you don’t want a leather bag is to buy a bag in a material that just happens to not be leather, versus fake leather – canvas, cotton, wicker, etc. I have heard tales on purse forum of a mystical Chanel purse made of grosgrain fabric but it’s apparently quite rare.

       1. +1, I’m not vegan but I try to eat naturally vegan food (like a lentil curry vs a beyond burger) and buy non-animal non-plastic producs.

       2. I saw some cork bags at a craft fair, but I believe they were labeled as vegan, but not vegan leather, which seems fair. Some them were very nice!

          1. Agreed. Cork bags are not trying to look like leather.

             I’ve been intrigued by the LaFlore Paris cork purses and backpacks (and they’re clearly marketed as cork)!

    10. Absolutely agree with you! And the poster who mentioned silk.

12. Need some advice about my job and will try to keep a long story short.

    I was approached on LinkedIn about applying for a job at a fairly large, well-known tech company. The job (and the salary) looked intriguing and so I applied. I am now in final interview stages and it’s looking good, like I’ll get the offer.

    Here’s the problem: I am supposed to go to a corporate retreat in June with all the senior execs in my company where I will be presenting on a pretty important topic. My travel has already booked. If I were to resign before the retreat and not go, that would probably ruffle some feathers. Well, not probably – it absolutely would ruffle some feathers, maybe to the point of burning bridges.

    I know the new job would want me to start sometime in June. I think, however, they would be open to negotiating a later start date; I haven’t asked yet. I don’t think I would want to resign before the big trip at my current job – they would still want me to go, but it would just be really awkward because they would know I was leaving. BTW – both current job and new job are fully remote.

    Is it reasonable to:
    A. Accept the offer, but just say, I can’t start until after X date because of this travel commitment I made;
    B. Not resign from my current job and go to the retreat;
    C. Wait until a couple of days after the retreat and then quit, giving 2 weeks notice;
    D. Maybe have some overlap between the two jobs – like a week or two, max, while I’m working out my notice at Job 1 and onboarding with job 2?

    I don’t want to screw anyone over; I don’t want to burn bridges, but I also don’t want to get stuck or somehow end up with no job because everyone gets mad. Advice appreciated.

    1. You’re not going to be able to have overlap at the two jobs. I cannot imagine any company agreeing (in a corporate setting) that you would start work for them while still working for another company. My view is that the best option is A or C (accept the job, arrange to start after the retreat). Whether you announce your departure prior to the retreat kind of depends on whether this presentation is something that you were asked to do bc you’re the subject-matter expert and the only logical person to do it or if you were selected as a professional advancement opportunity for you. (For example, my boss ordinarily presents to the board on the topic my team covers, but sometimes he has me do it in order to get face time for me with the board and build my profile with. Other times, I’m the one who presents bc the presentation is on a very specific and narrow regulatory issue that only I cover.)

       1. Re: the presentation – it’s a technical project presentation and I’m really the only one who can deliver it, because I’m the only one who’s been working on the project. I guess I could bring someone up to speed on the project, but bailing out now would be super stressful for my boss and the rest of our team. Which is why I’m trying to avoid uncomfortable conversations before the event.

       2. Yeah, can’t you do some combo of A, B and C? I agree that D is out of the question with the companies you’re talking about.

    2. I would think A is a reasonable option! It can’t hurt to tell the new company exactly this and see what they say.

       1. +1 A is what I would do. Don’t overthink this.

    3. Overlap is a non starter and could get you in hot water/starting off in the wrong foot/fired from new job.
       I think a lot of this depends on exact timing and your relationship with your boss. E.g., if offer delivered 6/1, presentation is 6/8, and you can start new job on 7/1, then maybe do presentation and then give notice right after return from presentation. You could also give your boss a heads up once you get the offer and then get their input – I think you should be prepared to do the presentation but also understand if they want to hand it off to someone else if it is during your notice period.

    4. Omg no don’t overlap.

    5. You have a lot of leverage if you get to the offer stage – say “Given the timing of this offer and a large deliverable for my current job, can we set my start date for {3 weeks after large meeting]?” That will give you a day or two after the meeting to give notice, a two week work period, and then a few days off to clear your head space for the new job.

       If they ask, just explain that this relates to a large, highly visible deliverable that you would really like to see through this milestone so the company is best set up to continue after your departure. If they’re at all reasonable, they’ll appreciate that you’re being thoughtful in your leave, and a two or three week delay in start date to ensure a good transition isn’t much to grant.

       Also don’t worry about negotiating this in conjunction with other items. “I’m so excited about the offer! I’d like to talk a bit more about the salary and PTO, as well as start date. Who is the best person to start that discussion with?” Nail down the salary and PTO parts first, because a start date doesn’t matter if those numbers aren’t good, and then state the above about the preferred start date.

       1. Thank you for the detailed rundown here (and the encouragement). I appreciate it!

    6. omg you don’t even have the offer yet and we’re only 10 days from June – it should be a complete non issue to work out a late June start date at the new place.

    7. If you get the offer and accept before the retreat, I’d tell the current job and ask them how they’d like to handle. They may need you to do the presentation so want to have you hold off on starting till after. Or, if it’s a high-profile presentation, it may feel like an important opportunity that they don’t want to go to someone who is about to leave. (Speaking from personal experience)

       1. Thank you!

    8. If you get the offer, tell them you can’t start until after the retreat. Companies deal with this for much longer periods than a few weeks. All the time. Stop stressing yourself out over this.

       Or if what you really want to do is skip the presentation and retreat, I give you permission to ruffle all the feathers. They’ll get over it. You’re not the keynote speaker.

       1. This. I think A + C is perfectly workable but if you want to bail, that’s okay too.

          1. Thank you, SA! Just having you and Anon at 12:41 give me permission to bow out of the presentation was very helpful. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone. Still not sure if that’s what I’ll do; want to get the offer in hand before deciding too much.

    9. Here’s what I would do assuming that your current company is generally pretty reasonable:
       – Wait until you get the offer
       – Tell NewCo that you can’t start until a date after the retreat. If they push, tell them you need to check with OldCo before you can move the start date up.
       – Tell OldCo once you’ve signed the new offer that you are leaving. Either offer to do the retreat or wait for them to ask you to do the retreat. They might prefer you don’t do the presentation given that you’re leaving. I’d tell them once you sign the new offer though as it’ll be good to be transparent about this (again, assuming they’re reasonable people).

       1. Thank you! This is helpful.

    10. Breathe. This is easy. Let’s assume your presentation is the week of June 20th.
        Today is 5/19 and you don’t have an offer yet. You’ll probably get one mid next week. Ask for a couple days to think it over (which you will need, because you will negotiate, of course, right?!). Accept better offer after memorial day weekend, on May 31st. Suggest a start date of the week of June 27th.
        Wait for background stuff to clear and everything to be finalized. Give your notice on Monday June 13th and let them know that you plan to stick around for your presentation if they’d like. Spend your last 2 weeks wrapping up and doing the presentation.

        Oh, they don’t care and no longer want you to do the presentation? No big deal. You can hang back and wrap up work. Corporate travel can be un-booked or the credits transferred. Don’t worry about it.

        1. Thank you for this helpful structured response! Much appreciated!

        2. Hmm, depending on the company, you may not be able to punt on accepting this long. Just ask for what you need.

    11. Amazon here. Last March I accepted a new hire with start date of June. They were worth the wait and I didn’t blink. Do A-C, note that D is definitely not going to happen, and enjoy new job! Also, if it was me, I’d try to negotiate a start date that was 2 weeks after my notice period ended and enjoy the time off.

        1. *obligatory caveat that I speak for myself as an employee and not for the company, and occasionally some roles can’t wait. But many many many can.

13. Would it be appreciated/normal to give a gift to an estate attorney at the closing out of the estate? I know they’re being paid but they’ve done some rush tasks to get it across the finish line. Would flowers or bubbly be good?

    1. A card plus a bottle of wine or bubbly. But, really a heart felt card is what they will hang on to. See stash of thank you cards from clients.

    2. And referrals.

    3. Maybe a bottle of wine for the attorney and a large box of chocolates for the staff. I know the attorney probably went above and beyond but he definitely had the help of his staff to get you to the finish line.

    4. FWIW, I am a T&E attorney at a big law firm and have never received a gift at the end of an estate administration.

       A heartfelt thank you seems like enough, though I wouldn’t complain about flowers or champagne. :) Also agree with a later poster that something the attorney can share with her/his associates and paralegals would be nice too. Estate admin paralegals really do a huge share of the work.

    5. An easy to care for plant might be nice. A coworker received an office plant from a client and a year plus later it’s still going strong.

14. The obsolescence post above got me thinking: what are you old-fashioned/pry out of my hands about?

    I want knobs and buttons for the temp and radio in my car. I don’t like having to navigate a touchscreen for that. (My 2020 vehicle is the perfect mix – an 8″ screen and lots of buttons.) (And while I’m at it, I don’t need a computer-monitor-sized screen in my car.)

    1. Paper notetaking.

       1. Amen.

          I have yet to find a digital thing as good as a sticky tab to flip back and forth and find important parts of larger things.

       2. LOL, same.

          I enrolled at the local State U. for some additional coursework, and my classmates were mostly in their 20s. On the first day of class I felt like Elle Woods as they all snapped open their laptops and I pulled a spiral notebook and pen out of my bag.

       3. Saaaaaaaame. 4 E V A

       4. +1 forever

       5. Same! I can make it work on an iPad with a pen, but the subsequent file is an image and is enormous. I cannot simply type notes alongside. I need to circle things and make margin notes and little graphs.

       6. +1
          My boss keeps saying we should go paperless, meaning no non-computer notes, and I politely stay quiet since I WFH. I will resign if you tell me that every note, to-do list, and redline has to be done exclusively on the computer.

    2. Taking notes and reading docs on real paper with a real pen/highlighter.

       In college (mid 2010s) I burned through my printing allowance because I printed out every reading. When I write for work now, i print it out and edit with a pen. I take notes in an actual notebook. I just don’t retain what I read on a screen!

    3. I use a Moleskin planner for daily lists (but I use my Outlook calendar for everything schedule-related).

    4. Totally agree on the paper notetaking.

       I also still prefer a paper “To do” list. Physically scratching off each item gives me pleasure…

       1. Yes I do this too.

    5. It shocks me that touchscreens are the norms in cars now. You have to look at a touchscreen! You’re driving! Physical knobs/buttons you can shift your hand around until you find them, without looking.

       1. Same! I hate having to glance over to see where I’m supposed to be touching. Muscle memory can guide me to the exact knob or button I need!

       2. There’s talk that cars will get advertisements that autoplay on the center consoles, and I can’t even begin to fathom how that would be legal, much less tolerable.

    6. I want old-fashioned knobs on my washer and dryer, with 3 settings, max. No electronics “helping” me out. No screens or beeps or little songs. Just a knob.

       1. +1 with the old-fashioned, not-fancy, don’t need it to launch a freakin’ rocket into space washer. When I bought my last washer (my 30 y/o washer had bought the farm) I was not really impressed with all the fancy settings and screens and the sales guy just didn’t understand why not. I told him I wanted a washer that was one step above beating my clothes off a rock in a creek compared to what he was trying to sell me and I could tell he wasn’t impressed with me (I get it, he wasn’t going to make the big commission bucks on my low-tech tastes), but I just want to put my clothes in the washer, let it do its thing, and voila! Clean Clothes! I don’t need hospital-grade sanitizing, or cycles for every type of fabric out there. Just give me a basic damn washer.

          And the one I got does play a little song when the cycle is done, but it is as close to basic as you can find these days.

       2. Speed Queen 4eva

       3. I adore the little song our LG washer makes to announce she has finished washing our laundry. My wife and I sometimes sing it as a joke. I don’t want any other appliance singing or talking to me, but we like that one.

    7. Agree 100% on the knobs and buttons in the car. I passed on a couple of cars because they only had a touchscreen option and I wanted knobs for at least a/c control. Try to adjust on a touchscreen just seemed more distracting. I also want knobs on my washer/dryer but those are getting harder to find. Our washer just has flat touch buttons and I hate them.

       1. There’s a huge culture around vintage stoves from the ’50s and people who refurbish them and the owners who swear they cook better than anything modern. I wonder if there’ll be a culture around washers from the ’80s that just, ya know, wash clothes ha.

          1. I’m definitely keeping my wash machine as long as it will last.

    8. Cars that start with actual keys.

    9. A separate Garmin GPS unit… which isn’t really that old by general terms but obsolete in technology terms since almost everyone uses their smartphone for regular navigation purposes. My 7 yr old garmin saved my a** a couple weeks ago when I went hiking at a state park with no cell reception and since my dumb self forgot to download maps before I left, I couldn’t figure out how to get back onto the main highway. Luckily, my garmin worked just fine and got me back home without incident.

    10. Paper planner for sorting out my week and making sure priorities get time (“big rocks” in Stephen Covey speak). Then it goes into the digital calendar, but I need the paper planner to get the week structured.

    11. Manual transmission
        I know my next car will be automatic and I am mourning the loss already

        1. I drive a stick shift as well, but only in the suburbs. It is fun! I wouldn’t like it in the city, though.

        2. Mazda and Nissan make manual transmissions.

    12. I will not give up my Blackberry until it literally dies and the lovely office IT guy can no longer revive it. I use it almost exclusively for emailing so I really want a keyboard. Why do new phones not have keyboards anymore?

15. Looking to buy a used or refurbished iPad – any ideas where to look?

    1. Bad idea, they get obsolete pretty fast, unless you get it free not worth spending money on. I’d ask a buy nothing group.

       1. I’ve had my ipads for five plus years at a time with no issues. Go for a refurbished one you’ll be able to get some years out of it for only a few hundred dollars. Try the open box items of big stores like Best Buy and Walmart and Newegg is always a good source.

       2. I bought an iPad mini used in…. 2014? and it’s still fine. I’m sure if I were using it as my work device it would get old, but it works great.

          1. I have an iPad mini of a similar age. Most of my Apps are no longer compatible. It is still great for surfing the web/reading etc.. But I can’t use it for my reading the NYT App, all of my bank/investment apps, HBO/Netflix/Amazon Apps etc…

             It is really annoying because it works so well. The software is just limited.

             So OP, it is really important to decide what you want to use it for, and check to be sure that the software you want to use on it will be compatible for the year/model you purchase.

    2. NewEgg

       1. I haven’t bought an iPad from them specifically but I’ve had great customer experiences with Newegg.

    3. Doesn’t Apple sell refurbished stuff?

    4. I got refurbished iPads directly from Apple. You can also check Back Market.

    5. If you live nearby a MicroCenter, that might be a good option. I work in tech and my co-workers love finding deals there.

    6. Thanks all! Ordered one from Apple

16. Any experiences with appraisal reconsiderations? Our appraiser used the wrong school district in comps (ours is ranked #6 in the state; the one she used is 292), didn’t include 1000 square feet, used comps from early 2021 in a hot market where we know of several recent sales, and included as a comp an uninhabitable “as is” fixer upper. Ours is move-in ready. Our agent contacted the company about all of this and the appraiser’s response was to re-upload the exact same report.

    1. I should edit- the agent contacted the underwriter who contacted the appraiser. Whatever it is that the 2008 rules require, she did that

    2. We appealed our successfully. They didn’t count one of our bathrooms and didn’t count our square feet properly. It was a fairly straightforward d process and happens often.

    3. Assuming this is an appraisal for the purchase of a home and the associated mortgage, the appeal has to be done officially via the bank/lender/underwriter who engaged the appraisal according to federal law. You need to petition your lender/mortgage provider and spoon feed them all of the issues. Provide the recent comps, provide them data from the town about the school districts and why that is impactful to value… like lay it alllll out there in as much detail as humanly possible as if you were petitioning the appraiser directly, because that lender is so busy and they’ll just forward it right along.

       You can be successful, esp if the errors or omissions are flagrant, but you need to do the leg work.

    4. A few years back our appraiser put my house in the wrong neighborhood for comps (specifically said that the 100+ year old house wasn’t in the historic district). We had no luck getting it changed even when I offered to send an official map that outlined the district and put my house squarely inside. I hope you have better luck.

17. We did it! Living donor transplant was a success and my kiddo and I are both home from the hospital. In the end, the transplant surgery was easier than we expected—and we are relieved to be in the other side now. Any other moms that care for a transplanted child? Would love your tips for managing meds and frequent clinic and ER visits.

    1. So glad to hear! Congratulations!

    2. No advice, but this is such wonderful news! Glad all went smoothly.

    3. No advice, but yay! was wondering about you guys.

    4. So glad to hear! Congrats!

    5. Congratulations!

    6. Woo hoo!! Congratulations, best of continued luck, and thank you so much for reporting in!

    7. Not a transplanted child, but had a complex condition that required a ton of meds and ER visits and I think the same tips probably apply!
       – I kept a detailed calendar of appointments on Google. As questions would come up before appointments, I would note them in the notes of my calendar invite so I could ask them at the appointment.
       – I utilized a pill box where I would set up the meds at the beginning of the week, and set calendar reminders for when I needed to take the meds.
       – I kept a list of all my current meds and dates of prior surgeries/complications in the notes app on my phone so that if I encountered a new doctor I could simply copy and paste it to them via email.
       – For frequent clinic/ER visits, I kept a specific tote bag ready that I took every time that included a notebook (with my notes from prior appointments), my iPad (for entertainment), headphones, a cell phone charger, iPad charger and headphone charger (in case I ran low), a water bottle, some kind of nonperishable snack, a sweater, and a tiny bag of mini toiletries (including a brush and hair ties) in case I ended up admitted for some reason. I would just toss my wallet, keys and phone in there and head out. Also, every time I went to an appointment I wore cozy clothes so I didn’t get stuck admitted in jeans or something uncomfortable.

       Good luck and I hope things go smoothly!

    8. I am so happy to hear that you are both home and healing up!!!!

    9. Wonderful! Was sending you good thoughts!

    10. Wow! So happy for you and your whole family.

    11. Congratulations!! That is amazing!

    12. Wow, well done Mom. I’m so happy for you.

        Things that were helpful for me when a family member had a sudden change that required more meds/clinic visits/ER visits…..

        Day of the week medication boxes. One set for each time of day that the meds are taken. Set-up reminders on your phone for times to take meds, and on your Alexa home devices until you guys get in the routine. Taking pills with yogurt or pudding can make it less onerous. Try to teach your child about when meds need to be taken so they become as independent as possible (at reminding you!!!).

        Big paper calendars in the kitchen for all appointments/kids activities/family stuff.

        We used to have something nice/fun/tasty for any day that had a doctor’s appointment, as a reward. Could be as small as a favorite snack/dinner after.

        Having a list of anything you want to bring in case you need to go to the ER/might be admitted was helpful for us, but my family member had really complicated medical issues and it was hard to be away from home for very long. Even better, to have a bag packed that you can grab that has a few essential clothes/snack/book/warm something. Keep a list of your child’s meds up to date, and a copy of their medical history/important doctor’s names and phone numbers and have copies of this in the ER bag so that you are set and ready to go if anything happens.

        And don’t forget – your kiddo is going to do super well. It is amazing what you have done for them. Don’t forget to breathe, and liver your lives to the fullest.

    13. I’m so glad for you! Thank you for telling us!

    14. So happy for you. Thanks for the update.

    15. Congratulations! Thank you for sharing your follow-up!

18. How do you turn around a bad day?
    Context: getting sh!t from all sides at work – people are nasty and plain dumb. It’s really getting under my skin.

    1. Take a long walk to the bathroom, pref one that involves a return to workspace with good snacks.

    2. Can you step out and go for an angry walk? Scream in the car (or just scream if you’re already home)?
       I hope the rest of your day goes better?

       1. Well I ended up crying in a vacant office for a little bit. Kind of helped.

          1. I have done this. Hugs to you.

          2. In a very bad situation I went to my car to cry. I hope things turn around soon.

    3. I would probably find someone to whine to about it at a peer firm that “gets it” but is not involved in the drama personally. I hate the feeling of being angry, and I feel like it’s gotten more common as I’ve aged!

    4. This isn’t directly helpful, but I just wanted to say that I pretty much always love your outfit suggestions, and even bought a jumpsuit that you recommended a year or two ago. I love your style!

       1. Oh wow that’s so nice of you to say! It’s nice to shop with other people’s money :)

    5. Not sure I recommend this, but I had a day like that yesterday, and after work my husband and I went to REI and bought All The Travel Clothes for our upcoming trip and man, oh man! It cheered me right up!

       1. Okay, here’s something that might actually be helpful: When people are being nasty like that, I tell myself “well, they still have to be them and I still get to be me, and I’ll take that deal!”

          1. You know that did cross my mind after a particular conversation. That person is probably just miserable all the time, vs me just being miserable at work.

          2. I love this so much. Adding to my mental toolkit!

    6. Pugs, people are super unreasonable. Can you visualize being Milton and burning it all down? Think up creative swears to say back but not say them? (I am a fan of Shakespearean insults and am working on them. Perhaps these folks are green-bellied harpies whose thoughts smell of rotting fish? I feel this is close but not quite right.) Basically: I assume you are right to be frustrated and am your ally in finding ways to destroy the system, if only in your mind.

19. I’m ordering a cake and trying to figure out what to have written on it. Help?

    The occasion is 3 in 1, which is part of the problem. It’s for my mom, a belated mother’s day AND early birthday AND retirement party!

    Should I just pick one occasion and focus the cake message on that in a straightforward way? Anyone have a creative combo idea of some kind? It could also be left blank.

    1. The last combo birthday event I went to had a nice sheet cake with typical frosting flowers on the edges and the words “Something with white frosting” written out, including the quotation marks. I don’t know if it’s entirely unique, but I thought it was pretty funny.

       1. I would love this as a recipient but you have to know your audience!

    2. What about just “Yay FirstName!” Or just her name? My mom is very into frosting flowers (and her name is only four letters), so it this cake was for her, I would have them write her name and just stuff the rest of the real estate with flowers :)

       1. I was thinking “Yay Mom” too

    3. either blank, or something like “cheers to you!”

       1. I like this.

    4. I think I would skip a message in this case and just get a beautiful cake in colors she likes. Or lean into it and have them write a novel on top, if she would find that funny.

       1. +1.

    5. What about just Mom and a heart around it?

       Or just go with something random and write BON VOYAGE on it. A good friend has a long family tradition of doing odd messages on cakes after he was tasked with picking up something at a bakery for his sister in law and the only cake they had around closing time said something along the lines of “Happy Travels Beatrice and Patrick!”

    6. Why do you have to have writing on it? Just get a nicely decorated cake.

    7. How about something very pretty / festive and the message be: Celebrating Babs! Or whatever her name is

    8. In Celebration of You!
       (my mother has a birthday near mothers’ day, and I picked a day this year and announced it was a day “Celebrating the Wonderfulness of You”, but that seemed a little long for the cake.

    9. How about “Mom” with a heart around it?

    10. “Happy everything” “cheers to a wonderful mom!”

    11. Lots of ideas here: https://www.cakewrecks.com/

    12. “Celebrate Yourself, Come On!”

    13. Combine all three occasions, like so: “You’ve finally had enough HAPPY BIRTHDAYS that it’s TIME TO RETIRE! WOOHOO! But you’ll be the BEST MOM EVER, forever!”

        It would have to be a big cake. No, don’t actually do this, just get her a beautiful cake.

20. I’m the one who posted the other day about going through a personal bankruptcy. I just had my first meeting with the attorney. I don’t qualify for a Chapter 7, so it would be a Chapter 13. The monthly amount to pay is higher than I expected it to be, although it is 30% lower than the monthly amount I currently pay by paying minimums. I’m overwhelmed. I think I am going to do it, because I have been drowning in this debt for years and haven’t been able to get out from under it. But the finality of signing bankruptcy paperwork is scaring me, as is the thought of being locked into this monthly amount for 5 years.

    1. I’m sorry, that sounds so hard. If you are only paying the minimums, is the debt decreasing or increasing? If it’s still increasing, or decreasing very very slowly, and you don’t have a realistic expectation of being able to make larger payments soon… then there really is no other good option.

    2. It is better than the alternative and it will also lead to freedom for a different life. Congrats on taking the big step to move towards the life you want to live.

    3. Have you considered just defaulting? Do you have assets that could be executed on if they sue? If not, just stop paying and get on with your life. Yeah, it will wreck your credit for seven years but so will bankruptcy. Just a thought.

       1. Um, no. Judgments in my state are good for 10 years and can be renewed indefinitely. There is no way I would risk that. This is what bankruptcy is for.

    4. I think you’re right to consider the impact. Personally, while I think it’s an option and have no personal judgment around it, I would consider it to be an absolutely last resort. Are there things you can change (like getting a higher paying job, are you in a relationship where your partner can help out, prospects of being in one, etc.?). There can be lasting impacts to your ability to get certain jobs, qualify for credit, etc. I would consider talking to someone (not sure who) to go over options with bankruptcy being the nuclear-last resort.

21. Anyone ever just get overwhelmed by life? No major things are wrong, it’s just the daily onslaught of little things that add up that get to me. Confusing and annoying insurance statements and all the phone calls required to get to the bottom of them. Taxes. A faucet leak. Meal planning when you’re exhausted. Thinking you know what your day is going to look like and then having people schedule last-min meetings so you have no time to even get up for water. People who are unnecessarily rude when you ask basic questions at work. Family drama that you’re not a part of but get swept into anyway just because you’re related and everyone wants to vent to you about the other parties involved. Feeling like you are at the bottom of everyone else’s priority list as they reschedule stuff to accommodate kids, work, and spouse needs. Raging PMS (which I realize contributes to making all the stuff above seem worse, but whatever) and the fact that I am expected to produce top-quality work when I am cramping and bleeding for days.

    It just goes on and on, relentlessly. And this is all average life stuff without even mentioning the outrage and despair I feel about politics, the world, climate change, etc.

    No one I know would even guess I feel this way. I’m known at work and in my friend groups as sunny and positive. I don’t want to bring anyone down with negativity but sometimes it just feels like too much so I stress in silence.

    I am single and usually pretty good at keeping a positive attitude, and I know a partner wouldn’t fix any of this, but it might help to have someone to vent to. Instead I’m venting anonymously to you all today. Thanks in advance for listening.

    1. I completely feel like I could have written this. I feel like people forget how exhausting it is to run a household (and yes you are a household even though you are single)/life completely alone.

       1. It is so hard. I am organized and generally on top of things, and yet sometimes the sheer mental load is so exhausting.this is why I actually enjoy taking weekdays off more than actual weekends sometimes, because weekends feel like a different set of obligations whereas only on a weekday can I totally opt out of truly everything.

       2. +100

          Im so over it sometimes.

       3. YES. I strongly identify with this post and have been having those very thoughts the last several weeks as I slowly get more and more burnt out. I’ve taken a 4-day weekend this weekend and have deliberately not booked anything to simply veg out, starting with ordering tasty delivery for dinner tonight. As a single householder, it definitely feels like an endless stream of an entire household’s work lumped on one person. My goal this weekend is to do a little batch cooking to get ahead of the meal planning issue. I don’t have any solutions to offer, unfortunately. Just empathy.

    2. As a single person and childless person I feel this. You’re not alone. Hugs.

    3. Yup same, I spend about 50% of my therapy hour once a week talking through this. I just want a vacation from my life, and to not come back to more work/bigger messes/longer to do list.

    4. Two responses: 1) life IS hard and this stuff is frustrating AND 2) you might want to talk to a doctor about depression. I learned that I needed meds to manage my anxiety when all of these kinds of things went from normal/annoying parts of life to being totally overwhelming. I can tell when my husband’s depression is managed versus unmanaged based on his reaction to the administrivia of life.

       Hang in there and don’t be afraid to get some help. Life is hard and depression/anxiety make it harder. Treatment can really make a huge difference. Lexapro changed my life and allowed me to be the sunny, positive person that I am at heart.

       1. I second the depression screening. For me a tiny dose of an antidepressant made everything so much less overwhelming.

          1. +1.

    5. Yup. All of this. I’m late 30s and single and would love for once to have a partner to share some of the load/be my go-to person for things. Have someone else do the dishes after I planned the meals, grocery shopped, and cooked. Have someone else to help eat the leftovers. Have someone else to help do the two person household jobs. Have someone else share the mental load of planning events and trips. Have someone else to notice that I’m not being myself and maybe need to rest more or see a doctor. Have someone to tell me I’m being reasonable or crazy or need to consider other options when I think I have a problem. Have someone else have ME at the top of their priority list (after themselves, of course, always look out for #1). No, having a partner would not fix any of my problems but one sure would make many of them easier to deal with.

       1. I could have written this exactly.

       2. 100% this. It hurts knowing that my wellbeing isn’t a priority to anyone else.

       3. Very much so – I’m in these exact shoes too.

    6. PMS is a legitimate health issue (and can co-occur with other health issues that can be addressed). For me the sensitivity to hormone swings also manifests in poor sleep quality. Now, the challenge of accessing competent medical care for women’s health complaints is one more thing that I can easily start to feel negative about… but to me this and “when exhausted” is the complaint in your list that stands out because all the other annoying stuff is a lot easier when we feel well.

22. I applied to a small college where I didn’t have to apply to a department or school (e.g., engineering school) to be admitted. My kid is in a very large urban school system where they don’t have enough college counselors. They advised, via a recorded zoom, to have kids “get a summer job or internship demonstrating interest in their major” for applying to colleges where you apply to different undergrad schools. Fine, right? My kid wants to be an accountant (and has said this since middle school — I believe her, or that some sort of finance-y program would suit her — she reads the WSJ and hates bitcoin as a scam). I am not an accountant, but the ones in my building won’t hire high schoolers, just people who are already undergrad accounting majors. I have taught kiddo basic excel and she can code a bit, but will likely be working at walkable jobs to our house: Publix, ice cream shop, various restaurants. Other then making her have a cost-center Etsy shop so she can run P&Ls and something about credit card transaction fees, I am not finding a way to turn this guidance, which is probably current vs what I did, into action.

    1. If you can’t get inroads to a small accounting or tax firm (think local H&R Block), see if she can do remote executive assistant work through one of those remote EA companies to someone in that field.

    2. I honestly don’t think many kids get real jobs/internships related to their desired majors. I’d check the college admission forms to see if it’s even a factor for her desired schools. If necessary she could spin working a cash register as accounting-relevant.

    3. Could she do a short-term “shadowing” job at an accounting firm or other financial business (bank?) for, say, 3-4 weeks? Then spend the rest of her summer doing the typical kid jobs you listed. We did that our senior year of high school as a senior career project – you went to at a vet’s office or the local office of your politician, etc. You did typical intern things like cleaning up after pets or making copies, but it was a nice introduction without the stakes of a full-time internship.

    4. Knew I wanted to major in accounting when I was a HS freshman and had to apply for the business school of my university. Are there accounting classes offered in your kid’s school and is she taking them? Or any kind of economics or finance electives offered? Even personal finance or coding? If there are, and she’s not currently, that’s step one for next years class schedule.

       Look for part time admin, executive assistant, bookkeeping, or volunteer opportunities. My high school accounting teacher recommended me for a bookkeeping position at the end of junior year. It was a very small, local, family owned business that just needed someone to make invoices, track checks and deposits, answer the phone and prepare reports for printing at Staples and collate the reports in binders. It was about 10 hours a week, 2 or 3 times a week after school.

       Are there school clubs or volunteer groups with treasury type positions she can go for (bonus: leadership skills)? Clubs or activities like a coding camp/mock trading or investment competition/other activities with an analytical or business focus? Any family or friends who could use help on a project/fundraiser/side hustle/business? I have lots of friends who did summer work or occasional work for their Aunts freelance hustle/Moms friends church group/school dance team fundraiser.

    5. Is she planning to apply to anywhere super-competitive? If not, I would spend exactly 0 seconds worrying about a high school internship. Even if she is applying to HYP, almost no one is going to expect an internship (which is a laughable term in this context–“internship” implies that one just needs work experience to which to apply one’s education; a high school student has little to no relevant education in accounting or engineering or whatever). Some of the advice handed out by college counselors is intended to make you crazy so they can look good.

    6. An idea! Look for a local organization that helps low income folks with taxes. AARP also offers free tax assistance and may have ways your kiddo could volunteer.

23. I’ve been really into feminist retellings of classic myths lately–Circe, Women of Troy, The Witch’s Daughter, Alcestis, etc. What should I add to my reading list? Thanks!

    1. I’ve heard interesting things about The Book of Longings, which might fall into this category, although I haven’t read it.

    2. I liked Ariadne and Elektra by Jennifer Saint. Not quite as good as Circe, but still pretty good.

    3. I don’t have any recommendations but I (and my book club) thought a thousand ships was not very good so I not recommend that

    4. Olympus, Texas by Stacey Swann

       1. I literally bought this book today after hearing about it on a podcast this morning. The bookseller at my local store positively gushed as she was handing it to me. I can’t wait to start!

    5. Haven’t read it since I was 20 but read it a lot as a teenager… mists of Avalon? its’ Camelot from the women’s perspective.

    6. If you’re open to retellings of fairy tales instead of classic myths, Robin McKinley has several. Also Alix E. Harrow’s A Spindle Splintered (more a novella than a novel)

       1. Alix E. Harrow also wrote The Once and Future Witches and it was amazing! Very feminist focused though not a strict retelling. More of a reuse of fables I would say.

       2. I love Robin McKinley!

    7. The new translation of Beowulf by Maria Dahavana Headley is amazing.

    8. The Bear and the Nightingale series! Love it.

       1. So good.

    9. The Dawn Palace is a telling of the story of Jason and the Golden Fleece told from Medea’s point of view. It might be more of a YA novel- I read it in high school- but It’s really good.

    10. Kaikeyi by Vaishnavi Patel was a great feminist retelling of the Ramayana. I knew only a high-level overview of the story and it still worked as a beautiful novel even without knowing all the nuances of the original.

    11. The Lost Queen by Signe Pike! (It’s a trilogy but the first book is called The Lost Queen) it’s about the man who is the basis of the Merlin legend but the central character is is sister…I could NOT put down the first or second books! Not sure the third one is out yet.

    12. Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff. Obsessed.

24. I’m in my early 30s, and my mother and her husband are super super southern baptist. She’s generally kind to me now but just has very restrictive christian beliefs, oh and my half sister just came out as gay. I’m struggling with my general distaste for the environment in which I grew up (at least with them, my parents had joint custody and my dad is not at all religous) and their refusal to accept my sister’s sexuality, their beliefs about women not being fit for leadership etc. I don’t know what I am looking for here. I am just frustrated with it and that’s all. It’s annoying to have her always praying for my salvation and for me to not be resentful. I’m working on the latter in therapy, but it’s because she was neglectful and abusive and I don’t see her praying to change her own heart (although she has apologized and I can’t really know what she prays in totality.

    That’s all. don’t know what I’m looking for here.

    1. As someone with similar relatives (though not my own parents), you have my deepest sympathies. Therapy helped a lot, but some of it just took time and sustained emotional distance. My family members might be nice but we’ll never be close, and I had to grieve that lack-of-relationship.

       FWIW, being a member of a lefty mainline denomination (Episcopal) has upset/angered my more conservative relatives more than anything (anything!) else I’ve ever done. There’s something about an alternative response/practice of Christianity that really roasts their chestnuts in a way that I couldn’t manage as an atheist. Not that religious belief should be a grudge match, but…

       1. I totally agree. I’m Quaker and the fact there is a well-established often quite lefty (politically, not personally, most Quakers live sort of aggressively modest conservative lives) take on Christianity makes folks in fundy churches founded in the last 50 years SO ANGRY it’s wild.

          1. This other Quaker waves hello!

             1. There used to be one other! I can’t remember their handle, though.

    2. I guess I’m just mad that I cant just be loved and accepted as I am. This constant desire to change me is not making me want to hang around. I imagine my sister feels this more so

       1. Don’t hang around. You don’t have to be super close to people who don’t respect you and actively hate your sister.

       2. That’s very fair. They’re failing as parents and as good people. You are completely within your rights to limit the time you spend with them, including zero. Hugs.

          1. +1. I don’t think you change that different of a worldview, you just decide what you’re willing to tolerate, and support your sibling to the extent you can.

    3. I’m sorry this sucks. There’s nothing you can do to change who your mom & her husband are, all you can do is live your life and create distance. My in-laws are fundie religious folks so me and DH being childfree, liberal, atheist, public servants means we are the ultimate healthens and incredible disappointments. Every holiday is constant jabs at our lifestyle, it’s exhausting but they will never see the light. Things got a lot easier for DH when he stopped hoping they would magically become good people and accepted that the best they were gonna be is mildly polite 3 meals a year.

    4. Hello fellow survivor of a fracking unbelievably hypocritical Southern Baptist parent who is always praying for me to be different without much insight into his own shortcomings! (In my case it was my father who is the religious and political conservative one while my mother is a political liberal and moderately observant Episcopalian – gee I wonder why that marriage did not work out?)

       The answer to a rude “I am praying for you to change” (as opposed to a kind “I am praying for your health/healing”) varies from;

       1. (If my siblings are not around and I am pissed): Hey Parent – remember me? Your oldest child? The one who remembers when you [insert thing he did here]. You might be able to get away with that holier than thou nonsense with sibs but please do not even start with me. I do not mention it in front of them out of respect for you but do not push me. I love you but I am tired of being emotionally abused. If you cannot drop it, I will be leaving until you are more concerned with the log in your eye than the mote in mine. (And yes – I have walked out.)

       2. (If I am not that angry) – Dad we have very different ideas about God and morality so how about you don’t lecture me about yours and I will show you the same respect? And if you cannot do that, I will need to leave while I can still remember that I love you.

       3. I pray the same for you. (I am actually religious – just not his brand – so that works for me.) But I will leave your sins to God to judge and ask you do the same for me.

       Honestly I really did find that when I expressly called it out, it stopped although I have to repeat the exercise periodically. In terms of our relationship it helps if I remember that he lives a very narrow life and a lot of what he does is out of fear of what he does not understand.

       Having said all of that – resentment will not make you happy. People cannot be changed but they do change and I would encourage your to work hard on forgiveness – for your sake rather than for hers.

       1. Thanks, and I have been working on the resentment and forgiveness in therapy. I think I have come a long way on that one! but still farther to go- any recommendations there, especially for someone who isn’t religious?

          1. This might sound weird (it is weird) but I found that visualization helps. Like I exhale that ball of anger and resentment and anxiety roiling in my chest, hold it in my hands, and tell it that it needs to go, and then blow it away. I keep blowing until it is gone (mostly because I am concentrating on my breathing.) And when it comes back, I tell it that it needs to stay away because it is making me unhappy. And I exhale out some more.

             And yes – that is super bizarre. I recognize that! But something about focusing on my breath and my ability to control my reactions to life helps.

             Good luck! It is so hard when parents disappoint us.

    5. Not the same specific troubles but difficult relationship with my mom. It only improved after I accepted that she would never be the mom I want or need. That acceptance process for me looked like real grief, like my idea of mom died. Now it is much easier to relate and interact with the mom I have because I’m not expecting her to be MOM. Maybe this acceptance (real, complete, not just tolerating and hoping) approach would work for you

25. Weirdly, a blogger I follow posted an Athleta code today- MAYATHLETA. 20% off orders over $150.

    1. Hey I just saw this – thank you!!

26. Does anyone here get swollen salivary glands or have tips for dealing with them? The ones in my cheeks or under my tongue get swollen few times a year. This has been going on for decades and always goes away within a week, so I always thought it was normal and never worried about it, but the one I have right now is extra painful and when I mentioned it to my husband, he said this never happens to him. It’s definitely not urgent care worthy and I have multiple other health issues higher on my priority list that fill my (already too frequent) doctor’s visits, but now I’m wondering whether this is something I should ask my doctor about?

    1. I don’t get them all the time but I get them occasionally. I don’t recall them hurting, just being sort of in the way.

       Go see your dentist. Regular MDs tend to know very little about illnesses of the mouth.

       1. They mostly hurt when I eat, especially acidic or spicy food, so I should probably ease up on that- this question was prompted by eating spicy food for lunch just now! But the dentist is a good idea, for some reason that hadn’t occurred to me.

    2. This happens to me- my dentist pointed out that it might be hormone related since it often happens a week before my period.

       1. This is also very interesting, because I definitely get canker sores with the same hormonal timing, and the timing matches up with my salivary gland being bad right now. I’ve mostly been able to stop canker sores by cutting out citrus, pineapple, and any other similar fruits (kiwis), so I wonder if there’s anything else like that I’m reacting to.

    3. I get them a few times a year. Brace yourself but I just snip them off with sharp and sanitizes nail clippers. It doesn’t hurt, just bleeds for a second, and then they’re gone!

27. Is it a rule of the universe that something must go wrong with every home improvement project? [I ask as I try to sort out the fact that the wood flooring people delivered the wrong type of wood and already had to push back the schedule we carefully arranged to coincide with vacation since we couldn’t stay in the house while stains dry anyway]

    1. Yes, I think it is. Either that or I am being punished for some grave sin I have committed. In the middle of an involuntary renovation, and at this point I think it would be easier for me to learn construction myself than to deal with this nonsense. Much commiseration to you.

    2. Yes. We are newish homeowners and it makes DH so annoyed that things are often not done right the first time. He’s right that we’d probably be fired if we made so many mistakes but i guess this is just how it is

    3. Yes. At least three things, I think.

    4. Probably a more reliable rule of the universe than gravity.

    5. I just starting a flooring change project at my job and found that the concrete used to cover an abandoned crawl space has severe cracks throughout. What was going to be a straightforward pull and replace now needs an architect and structural engineer and probably a minimum of $50k, if I’m lucky.
       So, yes.

    6. Yes, you have to keep a close eye on everything that is done.

28. Anyone painted their home office a dark green? I’ve got a northerly facing office in my new home that I’m looking to repaint. I was considering dark green (like Clare paint’s current mood) for built in cabinets and wainscoting and a complementary white for the walls. I think the walls need to be white so the room isn’t too dark.

    1. I say go for it! Not an office, but I’m having green cabinets installed in my kitchen with black hardware (I’m one of the posters above with reno problems) and doing white walls. The cabinets I’m getting are a similar tone to the color you mentioned, but a shade lighter. I love the look and think the darker green would be great in an office.

       1. What paint colors are you using? I’d love a good Benjamin Moore alternative.

          1. I am using BM Chantilly Lace on the kitchen walls. In an adjoining family room where the walls and cabinets don’t touch, but each would be visible from the other, I’m using BM Cedar Grove on the walls, but it is a little lighter than my sample cabinet door because I didn’t want a too-dark color on the walls. Based on the sample door and paint chips, the cabinet color looks closest to BM Holiday Wreath. (Which on the website looks very dark and almost gray but the cabinets definitely look green and next to it that paint chip matched, and now I’m doubting my sanity entirely.)

             At this point, I don’t know how it is going to look and I’ve just decided I’ll repaint if need be. I get a lot of natural light in my kitchen which can tend warmer/yellower so I didn’t want anything too creamy. I’m going with slate/charcoal counters.

          2. Comment stuck in mod, retrying:

             I am using BM Chantilly Lace on the kitchen walls. In an adjoining family room where the walls and cabinets don’t touch, but each would be visible from the other, I’m using BM Cedar Grove on the walls, but it is a little lighter than my sample cabinet door because I didn’t want a too-dark color on the walls. Based on the sample door and paint chips, the cabinet color looks closest to BM Holiday Wreath. (Which o n l i n e now looks very dark and almost gray but the cabinets definitely look green and next to it that paint chip matched, and now I’m doubting my sanity entirely.)

             At this point, I don’t know how it is going to look and I’ve just decided I’ll repaint if need be. I get a lot of natural light in my kitchen which can tend warmer/yellower so I didn’t want anything too creamy. I’m going with slate/charcoal counters.

    2. I painted my very small office F&B Breakfast Room Green (not that dark), and I’m obsessed.

       1. When I am rich I’ll paint everything F&B.

          1. I think I’ll use their wallpaper everywhere. I don’t even think of myself as a wallpaper person but they’re SO gorgeous to me.

    3. I would do the opposite, paint the walls dark green and have the accents white and natural wood. Will be very pretty and almost moody which is a perfect vibe for a home office. Look up pictures of “dark green office walls” to get inspired.

    4. We’ve painted a couple corporate offices really rich gray green and it makes you look shockingly good on webcam.

    5. I would do it all (cabinets, wainscoting, AND walls) the same color. I think the sharp contrast will look off or incomplete and may even read throw off the light balance when you appear on your computer camera.

    6. My office is a dark blue and I love it. For me the contrast with white walls might be more jarring that having everything dark great. Sometimes different video conference software overcorrects for the darkness and I have to monkey with the settings.

       1. i also have dark blue but with white trim as it was already painted

    7. White makes rooms look bigger and lighter if there is a ton of natural light, but white walls in small, dark rooms can make them look smaller and darker (white can look sort of dingy in the wrong lighting). You might want to do one of the free video chat paint consultations (I think Schwerin Williams still does free video chat consultations) to get some ideas for a light color if that’s what you want for the walls, or their opinion on whether you could get away with dark green either for the cabinets or the walls.

29. People were talking about long covid yesterday. This study has encouraging news for those who have long covid and then get vaccinated, in that it might lessen the symptoms of long covid. The data on the vaccine preventing long covid is still incomplete.

    https://www.medpagetoday.com/infectiousdisease/covid19vaccine/98795?xid=nl_covidupdate_2022-05-19&eun=g1391760d0r&utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=DailyUpdate_051922&utm_term=NL_Gen_Int_Daily_News_Update_active

    1. This preprint (not yet peer reviewed) paper talks about breakthrough covid infections and who is at risk. https://www.researchsquare.com/article/rs-1654435/v1

       1. Thank you! Not me but my friend appears to have long COVID and I will share.

30. “Celebrate Yourself, Come On!”

    1. i don’t know what this is but i love it

    2. Most epic nesting fail ever :)

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