Suit of the Week: Theory

81 Comments

1. How do you deal when people are great in some ways but let you down in others? I really struggle when people seem so present and engaged in person but are terrible over text, either unresponsive or totally flaky. In person they’ll suggest fun things we could do together, say how much the relationship means to them, etc. But then they go radio silent and are rarely proactive about reaching out. This has happened in dating situations and with friends. It makes me question whether they meant anything they said when we were together.

   1. I mean, people have good intentions. I joined a gym. I don’t really to go it (even pre-COVID). I meant to. I mean to. I haven’t given up, but life gets in the way of life, very often, these days.

   2. Maybe they hate texting. Maybe they are introverts. Maybe they are really busy and care out time to see you in person.

      If they are great at texting but flake in person, it makes sense to ask yourself if they are committed to the friendship. But people who make the time to hang with you? Why are you upset? Serious question.

      1. It shouldn’t be difficult to understand why someone is upset if they feel rejected or like another person isn’t putting effort into the relationship.

         The OP’s post reads to me as if she’s not talking about people she hangs out with on a weekly basis who don’t respond between meetups.

         I understand feeling hurt when others aren’t reaching out or putting in similar effort. Having said that, my solution has been to adjust my expectation with the person in question (this is my friend who I can count on for a fun brunch once a month, if I need someone to laugh at a meme I send it to another person instead).

   3. I can be like this with friends. I am not good at reaching out or staying in touch, probably due to a combination of introversion and being slammed at work. It’s not my best quality, but I don’t do it intentionally. For people like that, if you want to stay friends with people like that, you probably need to accept the fact that you’ll need to take the lead on planning get-togethers, at least for a while. In my case, once I’m in the groove of regularly meeting a certain friend for lunch/dinner/whatever, I’m more likely to start reaching out proactively. But others are probably even worse than me.

   4. This situation is rough. For dating, I take this to mean the chemistry isn’t right and the person isn’t a match.

      For friends, it’s a little different for me because friendship lends itself to more casual situations than dating (at least, when I was seeking a monogamous long term relationship).

      A podcast I love talks about friendship being like a theatre. You’re on the stage. Those who are your real ride or die friends are on the front row (maybe a very few on the stage with you). Then maybe monthly brunch friends are at the back of the orchestra section. Friends you see every few months in the mezzanine. Then on out to the balcony and lobby. I try to have this outlook as well. When I notice someone is not that responsive or supportive, I realize they’re actually mezzanine friends and I was previously thinking of them like front row friends. People can be in different seats in different seasons of their lives. It helps me remember that people can just have a certain interest level or engagement level temporarily and it’s not necessarily about me— it’s about where they’re sitting at the time.

      I also work hard to nurture the friendships for people who are in my orchestra section!

      1. Man, that analogy is like salt in a wound. I have no friends that I see on monthly basis. My ride or die friends all live in other cities if not countries, and I’m lucky to see them every couple of years. It’s hard for us nomads.

   5. I have to remind myself that people can’t be all things to you all of the time – especially friends, who have their own SOs, family, etc. that may take priority over you. Some friends of mine are the planners, others are a great times for certain activities (and not others), some just don’t have certain skills or natural inclination for some things.
      For significant others, I think you need to be more discerning about what your dealbreakers are, but can’t expect 100% of your expectations to be met.
      For me, often the litmus test is when I know a person loves and cares for me, and wouldn’t do anything intentionally to hurt my feelings. Then I can move past it easier. Of course, if something needs to be addressed, do so.

   6. I’m going through this with a few friends right now and it’s really, really tough. I’ve decided to stop reaching out/making plans and to wait for them to do so… it’s been a month so far. I know it’s not just me – our other mutual friends have similarly been ghosted by these friends but it still sucks realizing your long lasting and once close friendship is not their priority.

      In the mean time, I’m trying to invest in my other friendships with people who don’t make me second guess where I stand.

      1. If you are not reaching out, then it’s you who are doing the ghosting. Which is fine, but call it what it is.

         1. That’s…not really how that works. If you are repeatedly the only person in a friendship or set of friendships that initiates plans and reaches out, it is not ghosting to intentionally wait it out and see if they initiate contact. Friendships that rely on one individual to maintain the friendship aren’t strong, healthy relationships. Better to cut your losses.

            1. I feel like if there’s an established pattern of you doing the one to initiate contact, and the other person relies on that pattern, then yeah — if you stop contacting them without having a conversation about it, then you’re ghosting them. Not saying it’s necessarily the wrong thing to do, that’s what it is.

   7. This is hard, and I think it comes down to a mismatch in expectations around friendship. I have some ride-or-die friends who have been there with me through thick and thin, and I truly enjoy spending time with. But they also can be really flaky because they just are not planner types, whereas I am. I have come to realize it’s not that they don’t value the relationship; we just have different approaches to time management.

      Dating is different, I think. In that case, a mismatch is gonna cause bigger issues.

   8. For dating, I would definitely chalk it up to someone who doesn’t know how to express disinterest and finds it easier to play along. For friends, I’d accept that some people aren’t good at texting and not out so much effort into the relationship.

   9. For friendships, I’m a texter but several of my friends aren’t and I just accept them as non-texting people. It doesn’t mean they don’t love me. It means they don’t love texting. You really do have to separate people from their habits.

   10. Personally, I get insecure and wonder if they were just being nice and didn’t really want to hang out, and then stop reaching out to them as not to be a bother, and then they potentially wonder the same thing about me and why I’m not reaching out, and then it starts over again the next time we happen to see each other in person.

   11. Hey, so I’m one of those people. Haven’t figured out yet why I’m the way I am in relationships, but if I’m not around someone all the time, whether living with them, seeing them frequently at neighborhood or social events, working with them, etc., I just don’t remember that interacting with them can be a thing. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about them and want to see them, but they’re fleeting thoughts that don’t trigger action.

       I also don’t really miss people when they’re gone, which may have a lot to do with childhood trauma and moving a lot and eventually learning not to get too attached because I’d just lose them eventually.

       And lastly, probably also because introversion + trauma, I am still always very surprised when someone says they were thinking of me or missing me because why ever would they? I am nearly 50 and still always surprised by this.

       All of this to say that my being bad at maintaining or nurturing relationships has nothing to do with other people, who I truly enjoy spending time with. And maybe some of other people’s unresponsiveness or flakiness doesn’t have to do with you either. It still sucks and I’m sorry that it’s happening to you.

   12. I do this, and I have ADHD. If you are not in front of my face, you are not top of my mind. Sorry. That’s true for my parents, my husband, and my best friends, too. Let’s make the plan for the next meetup before we separate, down to the place, time, etc. I am not interested in texting with you.

2. Does Athleta run frequent sales like Gap/Banana Republic/Old Navy? I rarely shop there but have my eye on some pants; wondering if I should wait for a sale or if they’re more rare. They are linen pants so they might sell out in early summer. But I’d never buy something full price at Banana Republic because they run such frequent sales; not sure if the same rule applies for Athleta.

   1. I feel like sales are rare. If there isn’t one for Memorial Day, I’d just get now. I am a cardmember and I feel like there are two 20% sales a year and maybe a birthday reward.

   2. I think Athleta has a big summer sale. But that’s it. And it’s not on all merchandise.

   3. no, the good stuff usually sells at regular price.

   4. Not often. But I have a Banana credit card and often apply my points to Athleta purchases.

   5. I think you an I are prob eyeing the same linen pants, approx $100. No they usually don’t do sales. And the good stuff don’t last long enough to go on sale.

      Llbean also has linen pants, but those don’t have zipper pockets. I’m still debating how much I want the zipper…

   6. Pro tip: I have set an automatic search on eBay for certain Athleta pieces and that’s how I get them at a discount because I can never find a sale.

3. Does anyone have recommendations for a a beach town in Portugal that’s good for families of older kids? We are a family of four (daughters 11 and 14) coming from Boston. We’d have 8 days total in the country and want to do a few days in Lisbon plus a few days at the beach, so we’d likely want to do a hotel (vs staying in a rental house). We know it will be crowded everywhere in August, but I’d like to avoid huge party scenes.

   1. I think anywhere between Albufeira and Lagos in the Algarve region would be good. Highly recommend Vila Vita Parc resort.

   2. We’re going to Peniche on the recommendation of one of my friends who lives in Spain

   3. Vilamoura in the Algarve.

   4. Cb, who is a regular poster, has/had family in Portugal. Hopefully she responds!

4. How do you cope when you’re in a job but you’ve been pushed and pulled around so many times between change of management, priorities, and other changes that you find it hard to actually care about the work? I’m not sure I would care any more at another job and at least this is the devil I know.

   Starting to think I might just not like working. Great. So… now what? I don’t know if changing jobs would really help. I feel so demoralized and cranky. Yes, I know this is probably normal and also I have a cushy job so I shouldn’t complain, but I still can barely make myself care anymore.

   1. Honestly, same. I’ve been with this company for 5 years and we’ve been through 3 major reorganizations in that time. The constant shirting of corporate priorities and approved verbiage for said priorities is exhausting even though the work itself is not that hard and I get paid well. I was reading a post about burnout and resonated with so many of the symptoms (general feeling of not caring about work, mentally drained after performing basic tasks, triggered by even small requests). But the job I had before this one was a terrible fit and I’ve started to wonder if it is just me.

   2. Also same. Was just passed over for an internal promotion I wasn’t sure I wanted anyway, but when I look at new jobs, I don’t think any of them sound appealing either. Is this a mid life crisis? I would go insane if I didn’t have a job to fill my days, but when I’m not motivated and demoralized that’s not a great feeling either….

      1. Same. I can’t believe I have 20-25 more years of this. Like I wouldn’t want to not have a job, but there are times when I fantasize about burning it all down.

   3. Wow. So many of these comments have resonated with me. I have started reading Designing Your Life based on recs from here. Also looking at The Switchers which I saw recommended the other day. All the things I usually do to reinvigorate are not working. It scares me, tbh.

5. Y’all, what sort of pants are people wearing (generally and to work)? Are my BR Sloans Old Business that have no business in my closet? What sorts of jeans (can wear denim to work but I don’t wear denim to work — too hot, not current, shoes seem wrong). I am struggling with outfits and defaulting to dresses.

   And RIP to pencil skirts (the only ones I have that fit are suiting material and they seem too formal in 2022 unless I am going to something Very Serious or Somber) — my blouses are getting lonely but just don’t seem to work with my new flowy skirts or any of the pants I have.

   1. I have been wearing more “power casual” pants (as defined by the NYT and M.M. La Fleur)—think Athleta materials with work-y cuts. Women at my large bank regularly wear the Athleta Brooklyn pant with a silk top and blazer and it looks great. Lululemon and Everlane also have some good options.

      Anything that feels fussy, overly fitted, or overly tailored seems more dated right now IMO.

      1. Oh I love that “tawny rose” color for the Brooklyn pants.

      2. While I believe people are wearing this ensemble, I honestly cannot conceive of it looking “great.” I love my Brooklyn pants — for bars and breweries and parties. I am floored they are being worn to work at a bank or with a blazer. I wear mine with a bomber jacket and tee.

      3. Oh that is so funny. I looked online at what the brooklyn pants are and I realized I have some that I haven’t been wearing. I bought them when I was having physical therapy on my knee and needed pants that were basically sweats but lightweight.

         I am having a hard time imagining these with a silk blazer and top. Between this and nap dresses (with sneakers!) fashion is so weird to me right now. Maybe I should just go with Julia Fox’s look for the grocery store the other day (please google this, you must!)

      4. Don’t the Brooklyn pants get wrinkly in 1 minute? Or is that just me

6. Okay, asking for a friend…or my husband. He lateraled to a new firm as partner about six months ago and is attending his first partners retreat next week. The firm is huge and has over 100 partners. He is kind of introverted and getting nervous, asking me for advice. I have none to give as I’m just a govt lawyer. Do you ladies have any advice or insight? What happens at this kind of event?

   1. Talk to people who are in his area or are SMEs he works with. Make coffee dates to make sure you actually meet and talk. Think of it as speed networking.

   2. Honestly, probably a lot of drinking.

      1. This. And advise him to stay above the fray of all the gossip about who is sleeping with whom, either at the retreat itself or generally within the firm.

         1. Right? His goal is to be G-rated here, not to wind up in Above the Law. Loose lips, and all that.

         2. Yes BUT, if he’s not a big drinker, I get my very best intel to use for my own gain when “the guys” are drinking heavily and spouting off. I also drink, so I just make sure to stay sober the longest :)

            1. I go to the “drinks” events but just drink tonic water with a lime for this very reason. I’ll go up to the bar and order it so people don’t hear me; if they do overhear and say something about me not drinking, I just say “pacing myself” and smile and later on in the evening – when everyone else is drunk – they don’t remember or realize that I’m not drunk myself.

   3. Seek out the other introverts and hang with them. Extroverts often demand your immediate response, assume that any pauses or thoughtful looks mean you are not paying attention, etc. I have had extroverts snap their fingers under my nose because they didn’t understand that me thinking about what they are saying IS paying attention.

      Introverts, OTOH, usually have slower paced conversation that is less exhausting for fellow introverts.

   4. Find the other wall flowers. He doesn’t need to be the most gregarious, but focus on making connections with the other introverts. Also, I’d look through the firm bios and ID the people that he should try to meet up with and be purposeful. Maybe even reach out beforehand.

      1. +1: find the other wallflowers and have a nice chat with them. Suggest meeting up with specific people each day in an off hour, like breakfast or coffee.

   5. Same advice I give my kids. Ask people about themselves. People absolutely love to talk about themselves, and will feel like you had a great conversation when you’re done. Have one introductory question, and then a follow up question.

      Not “how are you?” Something like “so what’s your story, other than being wildly successful and all of that?” (I know that sounds cheesy but you would not believe how well this works on mid-level men)

7. I’m looking for an ottoman that can also be used as a coffee table. We have a soon to be toddler so we’re looking for something inexpensive to last for a few years until we get a real coffee table. I’m searching for the type of ottoman that has a top that can be flipped over for a hard surface to put plates/drinks on. Does that make sense? Or it could have a hard top surface. Does anyone have any recommendations?

   1. We did away with our coffee table when ours was that age and didn’t miss it. We may revert back at some point, but the middle of our living room is prime pay space in our house.

   2. It might be easier to find an ottoman you like and they just use a big tray when needed.

      1. +1 and no corners for tiny foreheads this way.

      2. Agreed.

      3. This is what we do

   3. I got one of these (a storage ottoman from wayfair, 4 years ago so I don’t see the one I got any more, but they seem pretty similar). We have . . . never needed to flip it over for the wood top. The foam is sturdy enough to hold everything, and the fabric is forgiving.

   4. We’ve had a version of this for several years and love it. Trays when you need them. Really nice piece of furniture, too.
      https://www.arhaus.com/products/butler-biscuit-tufted-ottoman?variant=40869313806507

8. Has anyone ever had a hernia and had to decide whether or not to repair it? I was at the doctor today for something else and during the exam she said “Not related to your problem, but you appear to have a hernia. We can refer you for surgery if you want.” I had a more urgent issue to talk about at this visit, but I’m left a little clueless about what I should do.

   1. My understanding is that if it’s small/doesn’t bother you there’s not a real need to fix them. Both my dad and I have them in different places following surgeries and our doctors were not worried. My spouse is a doctor and basically said most of the time fixing it is cosmetic and/or if they are causing problems. Mines in my belly button and likely to get worse during pregnancy (I’m pregnant now) so I may fix it later if it bothers me.

   2. Maybe it’s just because I went through so much scheduling and rescheduling of a really important GI procedure because of Covid, but I’d think hard about how likely it might be to give problems later. If I had to have surgery, I’d want to get it in over with sooner than later given the harsh Fall season that is expected and the unknown nature of variants. I know this sound crazy and I wouldn’t normally go there as a doom and gloom but not having care available when I really needed it and was in pain even though I live in a large city with a big network under my insurance plan has left me really aware of how tenuous access to care can be. Just not what I ever expected to go through in life.

      1. Thanks, that’s a really good point. We’re seeing tenuous access to just about everything these days!

   3. It’s fine until it’s not. Friend just had one repaired after it caused an obstruction and trip to the ER. They’d had it for years with no prior issues.

9. Random question for you hikers out there: Are there hiking skorts that are made of anything that won’t easily snag on bushes, etc.? I don’t want cotton due to living in a very humid climate, but something nylon/wicking. But everything out there in many athleisure brands seems so delicate, like perhaps better suited to drinking beer at a brewery than hiking (east coast brushy / bushy areas, especially when you go off-trail to pee) and sitting on rocks. I snagged some shorts recently and now need something tough. I have winter gear that seems to be of rougher nylon but it’s too hot for that now.

   1. Look at places more REI-like than Athleta-like. I know brands like Patagonia and Columbia have shorts in the same fabric as hiking pants.

      1. +1. I have shorts like this from Columbia, Mountain Hardware, and North Face. Athleisure doesn’t work very well for trails.

   2. I am a big fan of the Eddie Bauer Guide Pro shorts. I buy them in tall even though I am short as I like the longer length. I live in New England and they have not let me down. They come in capri length and full length as well. I think they run a bit on the large side.

      1. +1 I think it’s still the same material but I have hiking cropped pants and a skort out of their performance material, and it’s absolutely un-snaggable.

   3. North Face Aphrodite.

   4. Highly recommend Duluth for this sort of thing. Fabric is thicker. I also find the shorts underneath stay in place and protect me from chub rub in ways my Columbia ones never did. I finally just tossed all of those.

   5. My running clothes work just fine as hiking clothes.

10. I’m the anon who posted on Monday about my dad getting remarried — thank you to everyone for your wisdom and kind words. I’m moving to some sort of peace about the whole thing — it will be slow going and this won’t be my favorite wedding ever, but I think I’m able to put on a good face about it. I think.

    1. I’m touched & impressed by your kindness. Sending zen thoughts your way.

11. How do you get to the point where you more naturally look for the opportunity within a crummy situation, particularly at work? One of my colleagues is so good at this, and I feel like such a negative person in comparison. A small example: My counterpart in another department is leaving. My automatic thought was, oh great, I’m going to be asked to take on her responsibilities (plausible) or mayyybe they’ll try to make the case of merging us together, which sounds awful. My more positive colleague is all: This is a chance to start fresh with this department (i.e., impose our will on them and get them to see things our way instead of going rogue all the time/not collaborating). I just know that it takes me awhile to see the upside of change, and I wish I weren’t that way.

    1. I think it’s habit, and one you can work on. I have a friend at work who assumes that everyone who didn’t say hi to her saw her and is deliberately not acknowledging her whereas my first thought is “they didn’t see me or recognize me.” I am by no means an optimist and she’s not a pessimist in any conscious way but our defaults are just to assume the worst (her) or assign a benign explanation (me). I also think some people are naturally predisposed to look for opportunity amidst turmoil at work and this is also something that you can work on. Make the first question you ask yourself when you hear about anything new, “how can this work for me.” I think eventually it becomes second nature.

12. Is Athleta likely to have a memorial day sale? I don’t regularly shop there and it looks like what I’m interested in is full price right now. I don’t know if things ordinarily stay full price, or whether this is like Macy’s where you’d be an idiot to pay more than 50% of full price.

    1. Please ignore, I just saw that someone else posted the same exact thing!

    2. https://corporette.com/suit-of-the-week-theory-13/#comment-4303070

    3. My athlete experiences are if I love it I Get it when I see it because their stuff in my size xs /s moves out really quick and if I wait it’s gone
       I’ve also found that there’s stuff wears like iron and for me it’s worth paying full price; ie $90 yoga tights still going strong 3xweek 6 years later

Comments are closed.