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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Biglaw Refugee
For those ‘rettes who left Biglaw to go in-house, how did you find your job? Did you use a recruiter or career coach or similar services? Any recommendations or words of wisdom about either?
Housecounsel
I went straight to one of the firm’s current clients, for whom I was doing a lot of work. They used to joke around that I should just come work for them since I was spending so much time on their matters. One day I didn’t laugh off the joke. Is there a way to delicately find out if positions with your clients are available?
Anonymous
+1 I got a job offer this way too, although I didn’t end up taking it. I think this is the ideal hiring scenario for companies seeing as they already know you, your attitude and your work product.
I got my in-house position through my network. Someone I had worked with previously started with the company and gave them my name next time they were looking (because he knew I was looking to go in-house and was interested in his company specifically). Put your network to work for you – your peers should know that you’re interested and why so that they keep you in mind. I am frequently asked if I know anyone/can recommend anyone, and a personal recommendation from me will absolutely get an interview and is way more likely to get hired than someone who is just a name on (even very impressive) resume.
The original Scarlett
+1 never underestimate the power of your network
Anonymous
+1 to this – I got my job through a senior associate who previously left for the same company and recommended me. It certainly made my job search easier.
The original Scarlett
Look at the ACC job board – lots get posted there. I just applied to ones that interested me and some were recruiter led searches, others direct hire. I’ve stayed in touch with the recruiters I met through the process and that’s how later opportunities came. Some people I know went to clients, too – the downside of that is it can be harder to be viewed differently than the associate you were when you do that, but the upside is you already know the client and some of what you’re getting into.
Ash
I worked with a recruiter who happened to know about an unposted position that I was perfect for and ended up taking.
AFT
Kismet, honestly. I reconnected with a former client after seeing a job posting at her current company, applied and interviewed … and didn’t get it, but got the next similar job when it was posted a year later. The other offer I got was similarly one where I wasn’t selected for Job #1 but they liked me and approached me when Job #2 became available.
Best case scenario is going to a current client who you already know, next best is working through connections and postings. While I tried to do the “network and let people know you’re looking” thing, for me public job postings ended up being the way. I’m in a specialist position – not a corporate generalist – so the positions are also fewer and far between, which may affect strategy.
Anonymous
People overplay the “let people know you’re looking.” That only works if your contacts are SO high up (like c suite or someone else with budget authority) that they can either just create a position for you or they are SO close to you with budget authority that they absolutely have you and only you in mind for the next position they know they’ll be hiring for in Sept so they call you before even posting and get you on board before anyone else as a shot. Let’s be real most of us don’t have contacts like that. So the general — let every AGC who was your peer in law school or biglaw know you’re in the market is nice and maybe it works if there’s a position that just happens to be posted when you reach out to them, but I think it’s expecting WAY to much that they’ll have you in mind and affirmatively reach out to you when something comes available in 18 months. People have their own lives and problems, once they are employed in an organization, unless they are the hiring manager they aren’t desperately concerned with hiring, nor are they going to remember that coffee with you 16 months ago where you told them you were looking (unless you’re their BFF and see them on the regular – which isn’t the case when people start scouring LinkedIn for that kid that left their firm as a 1st year some 11 years ago that you haven’t spoken to since). So yeah postings + reaching out to a human at the place when there is a posting is the way to go rather than just “telling people you’re looking.”
Anon
I strongly disagree. “Let people know you’re looking” doesn’t mean “you in particular hire me”. It means, let people know you’re looking so the job candidate suggested in case someone is asking around. I’m not sure what kind of work you do, but in the in house legal world, it is extremely common for in house counsel to reach out to their colleagues, lawyer friends, external counsel, other in house counsel, etc. for personal recommendations – at least once a week at the law firm an email was sent out of “X GC is looking for someone with Y experience, please recommend someone applicable”. Recruiters also often ask if you have someone in mind for XYZ position. And sometimes someone runs across a public posting you haven’t seen. If you say “hey I’m looking, let me know if you hear of a position I’d be interested in” that’s exactly what it means.
Anonymous
I agree with Anon at 12:45. My husband and I have both benefited significantly in our careers from networking. (Significantly times ten million is probably more accurate.) So, it’s important to us to pay it forward. He is currently in house at a large bank and has openly offered to my work friends at my big law firm (who are all in a wildly different practice group from me) that if they see an in house job at his bank and they want to apply, to let him know and he can figure out who the actual person is who is hiring for that job. Sometimes he knows who that hiring person is and can talk with them and see what skills they really are valuing (“yes, the job says you need experience in international market transactions, but honestly that’s 2% of what goes on so it’s not a huge requirement”) or warn people that might want to apply if the person hiring is a jerk, but, most importantly, if he knows the person who is hiring, he can say, “hey, X from biglaw firm 123 is going to apply. if their resume makes it through the first pass, you should look for it.” So, while my husband has 0 hiring power, he can point out names to the people who do which might get you an interview that you otherwise wouldn’t have. I am thus very much in favor of letting people know that you are looking because they can help out, and it’s not always by being the person that makes the hiring decision.
Anon
Agree with this. I pass along opportunities all the time. It often doesn’t lead anywhere but one of my friends got her current gig because a former colleague reached out to me to see if I was interested in an open position in their legal dept. I wasn’t interested in going in house at the time but knew my friend was so I recommended her to the former coworker.
Anonymous
Also strongly disagree. I know a lot of lawyers who work in-house, whether it’s because they’re a client, or we’ve worked on opposite sides of a file, or we went to law school together. Usually those lawyers know when their company is looking for another lawyer, and often those lawyers recommend people they know for those positions. In-house lawyers also ask other in-house lawyers at other companies for recommendations, so you don’t have to know anyone who works at the company at all to get an interview/offer from there.
Lily
+3 to network/ leveraging existing relationships. Got my first job in law firm A through grad school alum. Got my second job at law firm B through a partner who had moved from A to B. Got my third and current job in house company C through a counsel who moved from B to C. So, keep in touch with people, and always be willing to listen to opportunities.
Triangle Pose
LinkedIn, cold apply. I wanted to be in tech at a big company and my BigLaw firm only had life sciences, banks, pharma, healthcare clients in my group.
In-House in Houston
I got lucky and applied to a post on Indeed. I had a friend who worked there who was able to go to the hiring manager and put in a good word for me. That probably helped me get an interview, but I got the job and have loved every minute. Good luck!
GCinFlats
I’m on my second in-house job (a step up from the first). Got the first by applying to the LinkedIn posting and then hitting it off with the GC, finding that we knew a ton of people in common and had similar experiences in law firms and similarly crunchy lives (that we tried to hide because we’re lawyers). Got the second unposted position on referral from the person leaving it to move up. We’d worked together.
I think that everything worthwhile I’ve gotten from networking has come from people I went to law school with or worked with. I really tried the State Bar, ACC, industry groups. I tried. Never made many great contacts (more in State Bar, almost none in things like business chambers or the M&A groups), in hindsight spent a lot of time I wish I could take back for other things (but I’m not cut from the “I love being a lawyer” cloth and find law and business groups miserable so maybe that is just me).
Mid Career Break
How would you spend a 4-week break between jobs (other than travel)? I have a one-week trip to Japan coming up, and plan to do a lot of exercise and recuperting since I’m pretty burnt out from my previous Biglaw stint (and my back was killing me). Suggestions welcome!
Gail the Goldfish
Since it’s summer, I’d sit by the pool (or if you’re close enough, the beach) with a good book.
Anon
I only had two weeks a couple of years ago when I did this but I took care of a lot of things that required me to be home – like I had a minor appliance repair, had the cable guy in to replace the DVR, I bought some furniture and waited around for delivery etc. It was so nice to have some time to get these things done, and also not to be getting 200 emails a day!
Abby
I about 3 months off last summer in between jobs, it was amazing. I still woke up at 7 am everyday with my husband (we don’t have kids) and made coffee/fresh breakfast for him to be nice, but also to make sure I didn’t get in a habit of sleeping in and wasting my day. I had just moved so I was reorganizing our house, going through my items to donate. I made sure I gave my dog extra long walks twice a day and cooked a lot. Enjoy yourself!
Abby
oops *I had about
Anon
Go rock climbing in the morning because the gym is always crowded after work.
Declutter my room because it takes so much time and energy
Travel longer because I rarely have the chance to do more than a week at a time.
Anon
I always wanted to try my hand at writing and getting it published, so I used the month in between to research and write about something I always wanted to study but didn’t have the time/no deadline. Because I knew I had only this small window of time off, it acted like a deadline that pushed me to research and write every day before my new job started. I ended up getting it published in a prominent journal!
CA Mom
I recently had 6 weeks of between jobs (though I really wanted to basically retire lol) and I surprisingly did very little. I worked out and ran more and hired a personal trainer. I also basically totally decompressed. Did not travel much. I’m back at work but still want to retire… :(
Anon
I apologize in advance for my cultural ignorance on this, please be nice! I’m going to a Pakistani wedding in June in the northeast US. Should I avoid wearing black as I’ve done at Indian weddings? I have one dress I wear to every event so I will need to buy something new if not. There’s not an expectation of wearing traditional dress; the groom is not Pakistani. Thanks for any advice.
Anonymous
In general people will not be wearing black. I think it’s fine if you do, but a vibrant color will fit in better.
AN
I’d avoid black unless it’s heavily embellished.
Houda
Wear your brightest colors. I come from a similar culture and unless your black outfit has tons of gold and embroidery and stones etc. you will stand out as too sad against the sea of flamboyant awesome sparkly outfits
UHU
I’d check if there is an expectation of somewhat modest wear (i.e., high hems, deep cleavage, sometimes even bare arms). If your current dress style will be okay, I’d add a colourful, large scarf. For example, though not limited to:
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/halogen-lightweight-cashmere-scarf/4877171?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FAccessories%2FScarves%20%26%20Wraps&color=purple%20rosea
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/trouve-kite-sleeve-wrap/5097080?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FAccessories%2FScarves%20%26%20Wraps&color=ivory%20rose%20bud
Anonymous
Who would you check with? It’s a desi wedding — we’re into the passive aggressive/not inconveniencing anyone — no no it’s all fine; and then when you show up in something immodest, it’s — OMG is that the bride’s friend, can you BELIEVE she has friends like that?? Use your judgment. A Pakistani wedding is likely a Muslim wedding (even if inter religious) — I would be careful re cleavage. Bare arms are ok — Pakistanis love sleeveless and they’re not even marrying in the faith so they can’t be that conservative.
Anonymous
Black would be ok if it’s heavily embellished or maybe like a floral — esp since you yourself are not from that culture. But generally yes — Pakistani weddings would avoid black attire just like Indian. Go with something bright and colorful if you can.
Lily
Not from Pakistan but from that part of the world. Black (and white) are usually a no no in celebratory occasions such as weddings. I also tend to dress more modestly when I go to these type of events, although as a guest (from another culture) you will likely not be subjected to the same judgement/lens as others from the same community.
kk
I’d wear something like this, with a champagne/gold wrap, huge sparkly earrings, and metallic sandals. https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/black-halo-montego-halter-sheath-dress-prod221770023
Pakistani
I’m Pakistani and I wear black to Pakistani weddings. This is the first I’m hearing of not to wear black…
Pakistani
I vote black is fine as long as there isn’t too much clevage or it’s not super short. I agree that you may be too plain in a sea of colors but it’s not a fauxpas in any way. If you can, wear your blingiest, mostcolorful accessories (earrings, necklaces, rings, bangles-throw them all on) over a scarf/wrap.
signed, a Pakistani
p.s. If you’re in LA, i would be happy to let you borrow something Pakistani if you want.
OP Anon.
Thanks all for the great feedback – always appreciate this community.
Flats
I’m looking for some comfortable flats to wear at work with dresses this summer. The ballet flats I’ve worn in previous years are just not doing it anymore. Any suggestions?
Great flats
I usually can’t do flats but got the Studio C OHara Cosmo Nero from Comfort One, and they’re great. $145 full price but I got lucky with a sale. Not sure if they come in other than black, but the black pair is well worth. So comfy!
Miss Kitty
I don’t care what anyone says about them being “out,” I stand by the comfort of my Tory Burch Minnie flats. I pair with Hue microfiber cushioned liner socks for a little extra support. I find that I need a half size larger than usual in the flats.
Anonymous
Agreed. On my narrow but with bunions feet, these really are some of the most comfortable ballet flats i have worn.
Anon
Pointy loafers
Ms B
AGL.
Anon
+1 AGL are the most comfortable and polished looking. I’d scour Nordstrom rack. The half yearly sale starts around mid July and they’ll probably have one on sale then too – so, Nordstrom rack now for a lighter color, half yearly for a darker fall color.
anonymous
I have some comfy ones from Dr. Scholls. I also like LifeStride and Born.
Panda Bear
I love my rockport total motion flats.
Anonymous
Cole Haan Skimmer flats
Also, Hogl
Me again who can’t wear flats. I have a pair of pink Hogl ballerina flats and they’re comfortable and very pretty.
Macros
I’m trying to eat a more balanced diet and am interested in tracking macros. I think it would help be more mindful about what I am shoveling into my mouth. (My sugar and simple carb intake is ridiculous.) I have a good handle on calculating my daily needs, but I need some advice on good recipes/weekly meal plans. Any good websites that I should check out? I am not opposed to paying for this type of service.
Anon
I’ve been following the skinnytaste mealplans, changing them only to adapt for a 2 person household. After 4 months now, I would highly recommend. Most of the work is in chopping veggies.
Anon
Why are you interested in counting macros? If it isn’t tied to anything other than trying to be healthier, I’d suggest not looking at macros and instead working on lowering processed carbs, upping protein, ditching sugar, and smaller portions overall. I have personally found the macros count to drive me crazy when my real goal was more nutrition and some weight loss. For example, an egg, almond butter, hummus, avocado, salmon, etc. are all good fats that you should be eating and will help you feel satisfied and full but all of them will drive your fat macros through the rough; vegetables, oatmeal, and fruit are all carbs, but you probably want a ton of veggies on your plate for the nutritional value. I’m curious though, have others have found that macro counting has helped them in a way that wasn’t just fewer carbs, more protein? Were your macros tied to fitness and the timing of your workouts?
Macros
Because having a system makes me conscious about eating a good balance of fat, carbs and proteins. I’m not asking for advice on whether or not to do it, I’m asking for advice on some good resources.
Anon
Sure, but I was merely questioning the value of the system in relation to the information you put out there. Why would you want blind faith in a fad dieting methodology when this board can be a fantastic anecdotal tool to help assess the merits of that methodology?
Oh boy.
Counting macros is not a fad diet. For some of us, it fuels our competitive workouts and develop healthy relationships with alllll foods/seeing food as fuel. Instead of eating 4 donuts in one sitting (or a whole thing of Oreos) OR not eating them at all, it’s a way that I can eat a handful/smaller portions of things I love and not reset my goals/make myself sick. While you could meet all your macros with crappy foods, you quickly realize a fiberful lunch + extra greens makes you feel better and you start to gravitate toward high-volume foods.
Macros
For me, eating on a macro plan means lots of fresh fruit, veggies lean proteins, complex carbs and healthy fats. Without it, I’m eating tons of sugar, simple carbs and almost nothing healthy. It’s just a useful way to focus myself on eating well. If it’s a fad diet…oh well.
Abby
I’ve done macro dieting, but I also lift weights/work out a lot, so intake of protein (timing especially) and volume of carbs determined by how much I’m lifting really matter. I did it very strictly for a few months, and now am trying to eat off of intuition. I think macros are very educational though, but you’re right they can become infuriating, especially when trying to cook a meal and calculate it. OP, I used RP Strength, but I have some mixed feelings about it being sustainable, but it did teach me a lot, give me great results, and they have somewhat of a cult following, so it works for many!
Anonymous
RP has a couple other programs now that are more flexible than those for performance with timing etc — they have a simple and a healthy eating template I think which may be easier to follow!
Anon
Counting macros is a way to do that. Maybe you’re in tune enough to be able to magically know how many carbs you’re eating, but I’m certainly not.
NOLA
A friend of mine tracks macros with Myfitnesspal pretty successfully. She’s lost about 120 lbs.
Anonymous
There are tons of good recipes on YouTube, and also a lot of modern WW/ weight watchers recipes tend to be macro friendly so sometimes I’ll look for that. Renaissance Periodization has a couple cookbooks now that are full of macro-friendly recipes too. I’d also recommend their general books on healthy eating and dieting for women — tons of good sound science on nutrition and psychology in both of them if you’re new to the macro counting game.
I have a good friend who is an RD who I work with for my macros — she provides remote coaching, let me know if you’re interested and I can pass on her info.
RP Strength
I highly recommend the RP strength templates. They have healthy eating, ones with workouts, and ones for people who do HIIT/barbell stuff. They tell you exactly what to do and what to eat, so it makes it less onerous than tracking every macro. It’s a cycle, but it walks you from an introductory “base” through “fat loss OR gain (depending on which you buy)” weeks and then brings you full circle with several maintenance phases and leaves you at a new “base.” It even shows you how to reintroduce what others may call “cheat meals.” My body composition on macros + my eating habit changes were 100% worth the ~$100 templates. They also do 1:1 coaching that is even better.
I’m a huge fan and I think a few people here have done it!
Anon
I love this kind of ruching at the waist – nice pick!
Gail the Goldfish
I am trying to eat less meat, but realizing I don’t really know how to cook a vegetarian meal as opposed to a side (except for a black bean burrito bowl and pasta, of course). Does anyone have any suggestions for good vegetarian cookbooks (or websites with recipes) for meal ideas that aren’t also carb-heavy?
Cookbooks
101 Cookbooks! Most of her recipes are either vegan or vegetarian, but whatever I have tried has been so good! (And not too difficult, even for a very, very novice cook, like me.)
Anonymous
The Cookie and Kate blog is great.
Housecounsel
How to Cook Everything Vegetarian by Mark Bittman is a good option for beginners.
lsw
+1, absolutely love that cookbook. It’s like my Bible.
I also recommend Simply in Season which has a lot of meatless recipes.
Veggie cookbook
+1 to Cookie and Kate; she has a cookbook that’s a workhorse in our house. Thug Kitchen has a lot of vegetarian, if you can ignore the profanity.
emeralds
I love Cooke and Kate.
MagicUnicorn
Love and Lemons! I have on of the cookbooks but like browsing the blog better.
Anonny
I like the archives of minimalist baker, though she as a person has questionable character she makes really good food. My 2 biggest pieces of advice are to look at more ‘ethnic foods’ and just practice. After 12.5 years as a vegetable eater I can pretty intuitively mix different legumes, grains, veggies etc into an interesting meal.
Janonymous
Why do you say the Minimalist Baker has questionable character?
Anonny
She faked being vegan for an extended period of time and misrepresented herself for professional gain. When she fessed up there was a pretty big backlash because her whole brand was built on something she didn’t believe in.
Anonymous
I would look into non American cuisines that aren’t as meat based. I don’t remember names but I’ve seen some Indian cookbooks recommended on here before in response to similar questions, maybe someone will see this and remember! My first thought was the Ottolenghi cookbooks – they aren’t strictly vegetarian but are more vegetable focused, and soooo tasty. Mujadra is one of my favorite vegetarian main dishes, his recipe is amazing (you can simplify it, toasting the seeds is obviously delicious but not 100% necessary): https://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2012/11/mejadra-from-jerusalem.html. I eat it with greek yogurt mixed with lemon juice or a little tahini, and chopped cucumber tomato salad.
Anon
Anupy Singla has an Indian Slow Cooker cookbook and a few others, I’ve loved her vegetarian Indian recipes.
AN
If you like Indian food, vegrecipesofindia.com
Gail the Goldfish
Thanks, all!
anon
DH and I relocated to an area that is hot and humid beginning this time of year through September about 2 years ago. Last year we noticed that when it got hot outside we started to get ants in our apartment. We moved apartments and the same thing is happening again (making us think it is not the apartment but something about the weather). We literally did not see one ant from October until the past few weeks. Are there any sprays or things that can deter ants? We also have crawling babies so ideally something that isn’t too toxic.
Anon
Ant baits are very effective. Put them in an area the baby can’t access. We don’t even have to put them in our house – we have several in the garage near the trash cans and that has solved our ant problem.
Anon
Agree but would say that *some ant baits are very effective. I asked on this board and got a recommendation for Terra brand ant baits and omg the number of ants that literally crawled out of the wall to invade that thing was both disgusting and fascinating. I’d do it before the baby comes, and as close to where they’re coming in as possible (this is usually easy to identify since they march in a line)
Anon
*Terro not terra
anon a mouse
+1 Terro. It will attract a ton of ants and then they take the poison back to the nest, so it takes a week or so to work but will kill the colony.
You can put down little bits of Terro outside if you know where they are coming in. Otherwise, you can place the Terro on places where you see ants but the babies (and pets) can’t get easily to them – in my house, that’s on windowsills, behind toilets, in a corner of a kitchen counter, etc.
Hang in there – ants are a pain but they are mostly harmless.
Belle Boyd
Another vote for Terro. That stuff is amazing and works better than anything else out there to get rid of ants.
Anon
+1 I use baits on the outside near the trash bin and the kitchen walls, and anywhere else around the perimeter of your house that you suspect they are coming in from. That will draw out even the ones that are already inside your house. I don’t like putting baits inside the house (as a pest control company had done to us) because it draws the ants inside and you end up with a bunch of dead ants on your floors.
The original Scarlett
I like the electronic things you plug in that deter bugs – lots on Amazon, ours keep the ants away in an ant heavy area.
The original Scarlett
The ones I have are out of stock, but this is the idea (I don’t think the brand matters, they’re all the same idea)
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07FNCVZYG/ref=dp_prsubs_1
The original Scarlett
PPS – they take a couple of weeks to fully work, but we rarely delay with indoor bugs now
Anonymous
these really work??? they sound too good to be true
The original Scarlett
Yep, they did for us – it’s not 100% gone, but I’d say 95% gone. We have a place in the country where I have them everywhere- you do need a lot as the range isn’t huge, but they deter all the creepy crawlers plus ants. My fellow country dwelling neighbors clued me onto them.
Anon
Counterpoint. I have these and still had an ant invasion. I resorted to Terro
Flats Only
We get ants periodically and put out a poison gel on little cards. (Terro liquid ant killer) Ants gobble it up and then disappear to die. Very effective stuff. We generally get the ants on the counter top near the sink, so the little cards are up off the floor.
Atlien
+1 ant gel seems to work really well. I think they take it back to the nest so you don’t seem immediately dead ants but the flow will stop.
Anonymous
When I lived in FL and had this happen, I used this and it worked really well. Just spray on the ground and up along the outside of your door frames. It is pet friendly and can be used inside as well. Smells a little minty. https://www.target.com/p/home-pest-spray-24oz-ecosmart-174/-/A-51478550?ref=tgt_adv_XS000000&AFID=google_pla_df&fndsrc=tgtao&CPNG=PLA_Patio%2BGarden%2BShopping_Local&adgroup=SC_Patio%2BGarden&LID=700000001170770pgs&network=g&device=c&location=9003454&ds_rl=1246978&ds_rl=1247068&ds_rl=1246978&gclid=Cj0KCQjww47nBRDlARIsAEJ34bmPRVHsMLG-2gJO6T3tOUXEFk3N2qfc325MFfCEo39X4hp7kx9QZbMaAsrGEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
Keek
Food grade diatomaceous earth around windows/doorways. We also have a pest spraying company do the outside of the house; everyone stays inside for 30 minutes while it dries and we’re good.
Anonymous
I would NOT put this where the babies or pets can get into it. It is very harmful when inhaled.
Blueberries
If you know where the ants are coming in, cinnamon works really well to stop ants—they won’t cross cinnamon.
Anonymous
You can wipe out an ant trail with your regular all purpose cleaner. If they can’t find the trail they reboot and try another path.
Where should I go?
My husband and I want to get away together to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in the fall. We have 2 kids under 2 so a long weekend or extra-long weekend is all we can manage. Flying from Toronto, so pretty much anywhere in Canada or contiguous US (although direct routing/frequent flights will help us maximize our time) would work I think? I was thinking NYC for a weekend of Broadway shows but I don’t love the current offerings (and we’ve been to NYC many times before so we’ve seen a lot of the sites). I also thought about Banff but we’re not particularly outdoorsy. We’ll already be visiting Montreal for a wedding over the summer.
Anon
Chicago? We have great restaurants and museums and the weather is reliably nice in the fall, at least through October or so. Maine is also beautiful in the fall – since you’re not terribly outdoorsy, I’d recommend basing yourselves in Portland and doing some daytrips to the smaller coastal towns.
Ms B
New Orleans is lovely in the fall. Take walking tours of the Garden District and the Warehouse District, ride the streetcar to the zoo, stroll Royal Street, take in some music, eat and drink all the things.
Anon
New Orleans? If by Fall you mean October-November-ish, the weather gets really great here in October. There’s plenty to do, especially food and culture-wise, and it doesn’t require you to be particularly outdoorsy. It looks like you can get a direct flight for under three hours (depending on how much you’re willing to pay) or a cheaper flight with stops for about six hours travel time.
NOLA
I don’t know. October here, to me, is the time of year when it’s still too d*mn hot and humid and I want to burn my summer clothes and I end up just wearing darker versions of them.
emeralds
Charleston or New Orleans would be a great place for a wedding anniversary–they’re relaxed cities with great food. Can’t comment on the flight situation from Toronto, though.
Never too many shoes...
Chicago. Boston, Halifax are all great short hops from Toronto…and all of them accessible by Porter (I hate Pearson and avoid it wherever possible). Have you considered wine tasting in Niagara or Prince Edward County and just avoiding the flights?
anon
We did Inn on the Twenty for a wedding a couple years back and the location was fantastic for chill, mosing wine tasting in Niagara. But probably more of a weekend trip than anniversary trip. Having gone to Queens, I’m always partial to Prince Edward County in the fall…
Anonymous
FYI there will be a whole new season of shows opening on Broadway by the fall. This season plays have been really strong, but a lot of them will probably close after the Tony Awards.
anon a mouse
Providence might work well for you – direct flight, interesting art and food. If you are inclined to rent a car you can drive along the coast.
Chicago is a great option if you want something more urban.
Miami
Do you want tropical beach? Florida would be your best bet – Miami is only a three hour ish flight from Toronto. And you’d get to try amazing Cuban food.
TN
Blackberry Farms.
30A
We did Aly’s Beach/Rosemary in the fall, still warm enough, but technically almost “off-season.” It was divine.
Housecounsel
This is a mom question, but I am posting it here because I feel like the mom site is a little more focused on the little ones. I am hoping some of you have older kids. I have a graduating high school senior who was accepted into her first choice of college, halfway across the country. This isn’t my first rodeo; I have a current college senior who is halfway across the country in the other direction and thriving. That said, my kids are very different. I don’t feel like the senior is ready to go away. She is young; won’t turn 18 until the middle of her freshman year. She is a smart, strong, kind girl who struggles with anxiety and OCD that have held her back in myriad ways. She is in treatment but I don’t feel like it is helping much. She is scattered and disorganized. She barely got through senior year, with the help of tutors I forced on her. She doesn’t try, I think for fear of failing. She would rather sit in her room than socialize. I am worried she will get to school and just spiral; never leave her room, not go to class, not meet people. She rejected any discussion of a gap year and insists she is ready to go away and that everything will be different.
Would you let her go? If we keep her home, she will hate and resent us forever. She’ll refuse to do any kind of structured gap year program. She makes the point that she chose the college and did the application without help. Maybe she is right; if she goes, the change of scenery and meeting all new people will be the catalyst for change. But I worry about her spiraling, and being all alone, and I won’t know.
Am I just helicoptering? What would you do?
Anon
You’re helicoptering her. Let her go.
Anonymous
Helicoptering I think is better used with smaller kids. I have kids who are medium, not as old as yours, but I get where you are coming from. I have a stepkid in college, who is having a great time, maybe too much for reaching his professional goals on his first try. Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems.
I think that you are both right. I think that the thing to do is letter her run with Plan A “well thought out” (e.g., what are local counseling options, can she reach out to them now, what if she needs assistance mid semester, when are key dates for withdrawing with refunds, etc.; really have permission to try and to fail, but being responsible and proactive and have an outline and a bit of a real plan). And then work with her also for what to do if Plan A doesn’t work and what Plan B might look like. An ex-BF’s sister didn’t have Plan A work for her at first, went home for a semester, took classes, and relaunched with success.
[We are doing that right now: what if you don’t get into med school? Will you try again? What will you do for employment if you want to reapply in a year? Will something like a RNA program be a better fit and more likely to happen? What about EMT or emergency management as a career?]
Anon
Nah I disagree. I’m a college professor and the parents contact me to ask for an extension on homework (yes, this happens) are definitely helicopter parents. I think the term is actually more apt for parents of big kids. Parents of little kids can be overprotective, but you don’t normally see the damage until later.
Housecounsel
Wow, this really happens? I would NEVER, even with my smothering instincts (limited to this kid only).
Anon
Ha. Yes, liberal arts college prof here. It happens all the time.
KP
It occurs to me that more is going on than “just” college. Even if she “fails”–makes low grades, stops going to classes, she might still be succeeding at having the courage to try, making friends, working at a pt job, becoming independent, navigating sex, facing the truth, seeking help by herself, creating boundaries. No one wants to pay college tuition for this agenda, but …
Anon
I always think of helicopter parents as smothering teens/college kids and not allowing them to become independent. Like those horror stores about parents calling college professors.
Vicky Austin
What resources does her school-to-be have for her? Can she get set up with a therapist there in advance? Maybe that would ease your worries and not crush her independence right out of the gate, plus she’d have a friendly face/a lifeline.
Anonymous
She sounds exactly like I did, and while the first few months were tough, it helped me start the break from my parents.
Anon
Same here. I was very similar to your daughter and barely got though my senior year. I totally sat in my room, but I did not skip classes because I knew that was the one job I had. I had zero friends for the first year and absolutely hated living in the dorms. I did well in my first year’s classes because they honestly were not that hard after all the intensive tutoring I had senior year of HS. I really got it together eventually, during my sophomore year, and found my tribe. Things that helped: my parents decided to go with option 2 and let me do my thing; in return, I learned to own my decisions. I was a responsible person, just had bad technique and an obstructionist brain. The ability to work out on my own how the different parts of me can work together really helped. I also stayed at college during the summer. Summer school was my ideal learning situation: quiet, few kids in class, more relaxed atmosphere and compressed curriculum which didn’t leave space for forgetting what we were doing. I also got a campus lab job, which was my first step in finding my people. I got along much better with grad students and other lab staff than anyone in my dorms or classes. There was so much less social pressure and all processes had a checklist. It was like a light bulb.
If I had to do it differently, I would never live in the dorms to begin with and look to be roommates with a grad student. But seriously, I’m so glad my parents (who were worried sick about me) let me do my own thing.
Anon
She will be an adult. It is not your choice. Regardless, if you try to stop her from going (not sure how you can force her to stay home), you will lose your relationship with her and she will feel completely alone. I understand your concerns, but that is not a valid choice. Sometimes, you have to let your kids fail even if you see it coming.
Instead, spend some of the summer focused on helping her prep for college and ensuring that she knows that you are always available for her.
Anon
+1. Not letting her go to her dream college that she was accepted to because you don’t think she’s ready is a great way to permanently destroy your relationship with her. Focus on finding her a therapist local to the college and setting her up for success as much as possible, and let her know that if it doesn’t work out she can always come home.
JazzyRose
I don’t know, if my parents had told me their concerns and encouraged me to do a gap year, I might have taken them up on it.
Anon
Right. But they’ve suggested a gap year and she doesn’t want to. Forcing her to take a gap year, to the extent they can (they can refuse to pay for college, but that’s about the only control they have over an adult child) is likely to damage the relationship irreparably.
Vicky Austin
I stand by what I said above, but I also think this is a good perspective, speaking as the kid who was not allowed to fail.
Anon
I think you have to let her fail. Or she may surprise you and get motivated. But what you’re doing isn’t working, or is barely working, so try something else. Perhaps being away from home and meeting new people will make all the difference.
I also have a high school senior with ADHD.
Housecounsel
Anon at 10:01 – “what you’re doing isn’t working, or is barely working, so try something else.” Maybe the college is the something else, yes. Thank you.
Anon
Gently, because I know you mean well, you’re helicoptering. It’s time for your daughter to leave the ends and figure out how to succeed without you. It’s not your drop to protect her from a failing grade or a bad social life and if you do, she won’t learn how to address those challenges on her own. Plus, she WANTS to go, which suggests to me that she’s ready for more independence and to figure it out on her own. Let her do that.
anon
Let her go. If she fails, she fails. Failing out of college is something plenty of people do, and recover from. And the way you get through anxiety is to practice facing your fears over and over. I don’t see how preventing her from taking a big step towards a future she wants will help her in any way.
That said, if you’re paying for this, you’re well within your rights to tell her you will pay for x number of years of college or x amount of money or whatever makes sense in your situation, and anything else she wants to do is on her. Basically, draw boundaries.
Anonymous
I was a similar kid and these boundaries helped a lot. My parents did set me up with therapy and support me a lot, especially my freshman year, but they also made it clear that I had to finish on time and that they wouldn’t keep funding my college education past 4 years, or if I lost my scholarship money. I graduated on time with honors (the lowest level of honors but whatever). I still struggle with mental illness as an adult but have a successful independent life. Getting through college, even though it was hard, was the first step towards that. Unfortunately your daughters anxiety and OCD are lifelong chronic conditions – your goal should be to help her be a happy functional adult with those illnesses, not to protect her from them completely, because you can’t!
Anonymous
Yes, you are helicoptering. Please, let her go.
Anon
Does she have an IEP for high school? If so, you can help guide her with applying for similar accommodations in college? Many schools have active and involved disability offices that will help make sure she is getting what she needs.
I also note that she will only be 17 when she starts. Make sure you have whatever you need on file so that she can get medical care / therapy at school without a parents signature. I was also 17 and my parents had to sign something that allowed someone at the school to sign for me if I needed off campus care.
Housecounsel
She didn’t. Her grades weren’t affected until late high school. However, we are having a full neuropsych exam done this summer with an eye toward accommodation, depending on the results.
Anon
As someone who was a lot like your daughter (albeit without a formal OCD diagnosis, although I think I have tendencies in that direction) what I really needed was a clean break from my parents. I’m not implying you’re doing anything wrong, but some kids just won’t thrive until they’re forced to fend for themselves. I think this will probably go better than you think it will, and if it doesn’t, you’re just out some money (and I agree with other posters that it’s fair to be upfront that you’re only paying for 4 years of tuition).
emeralds
Totally agree with this, and also with making sure she knows how to access mental health resources when she’s on campus.
Anonome
Strong agree. My issues (including panic attacks) were mostly caused by my parents constantly being up my butt and micromanaging every breath I took. Once I had some space and could make my own decisions without an obsession event cascade of “but what will mom/dad do if…” my symptoms receded.
anon a mouse
Let her go but work with her to set up things to help her succeed. Can you find a therapist out there for her and set up the first few appointments? Also plan a few short visits — both to see her and to check in on her. Ideally the first one maybe a month after she goes, and then a second a month later.
Anon
No, I wouldn’t do that. It’s STILL helicoptering. Let her figure out if she would benefit from therapy. If she asks you for help finding a therapist, then step in, but not before unless it’s a true mental health crisis. Just let her be an adult!
Anonymous
Stop helicoptering but also make it abundantly clear that if it doesn’t work out, that’s okay too. “She doesn’t try, I think for fear of failing. ” — if it doesn’t work out, what will truly damage your relationship will be any ‘I told you so’ type reactions if she wants to change schools at some point.
She needs to know that she can talk to you about any struggles she faces in her first year without you telling her that she made the wrong choice or that she should come home. Accept her choice and support her in it.
Anonymous
Yeah, this was my younger sister, so my parents and I (I’m much older so fill a quasi-parental role) went through this. Her going away for school will probably be bad, but you don’t really have a choice. You can’t keep her home because she doesn’t want to be there and it will be a stunting rather than a growing experience. Ideally she would have applied to and be excited about programs that are closer to home, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the situation. She has to go away, and you should prepare for her to fall down and need help. Ideally you can set her up with supports from the outset, and also budget to go and visit frequently (planned and emergency visits).
Ash
“If we keep her home, she will hate and resent us forever.” If you’re that sure about this outcome, there’s no decision to be made. She goes. She can always choose to come back if she needs to.
Housecounsel
You have all given great advice. Thank you. I have already checked the student health web site and there are a lot of mental health resources. I will make sure she is set up before we go. I will helicopter in for a visit about a month in. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Anonymous
FYI, in my limited experience, I would not rely exclusively on the school’s mental health resources – get some names of private therapists in the area you can have in your back pocket if she starts to struggle. The counselors at my college were terrible.
Housecounsel
Noted, anon at 10:58. I will broaded the search.
Anon
On the other hand, the counselors at my school were amazing.
Anonymous
+1 Not that the counsellors are terrible, but that they are very busy and if your daughter starts missing appointments or whatever else, they might not notice/rally around her.
Kayla
Don’t helicopter, I am a recent college grad who went away (4 hours but that was just the right distance). I talked more to my mom who I had a rocky relationship with living at home more when I was away. It was hard and I struggled for the first few months/year but she needs to do so too to be able to grow. Don’t check in on her let her go to you. Set financial boundaries and let her know that you’re always there if she needs to talk to you but please for the love of god do not helicopter that will only make things worse. Moving away looks like just what she needs and she may surprise you. If she was able to get in all on her own that shows more growth and maturity than you’re giving her credit for. We all make mistakes and learn from them, as a parent you just have to let us and be there for us when we come crying. Don’t get mad or overbearing let her learn on her own. And visit her at family weekend and have her come home for thanksgiving don’t visit too much unless she asks you too let her spread her wings. I know it sounds harsh but I went to college at 17 with depression and now I’m 21 moving out of state for law school with my depression managed (without meds or therapy, I have found reading and blogging help me a lot) and some anxiety bc of the pressure I put on myself. My parents have learned to not put more pressure on me or stress me out as that only makes things for me worse and I have grown so much from having to learn to do things on my own and make my own mistakes in college. She’s gonna be ok promise.
anonshmanon
Kudos to you! I hope I will be a rational parent like you some day.
Anonymous
I would disagree with the folks who call this “helicoptering”. To me, that term is what parents do when their child is fully capable of something and the parent steps in to do it himself/herself. You have articulated some real concerns-I have a similar child who went to college, took a medical leave, went back, took another leave and dropped out. In my case, a gap year would not have helped. Putting in place resources and stepping back to let your daughter activate them will. Colleges are more proactive now-some check card swipes in the cafeteria and gym to make sure students are not wallowing alone in their room for days on end. Our college has a “CARES” program where roommates and hall mates can also anonymously report concerns. One thing I would suggest: tuition insurance. Yes, it’s a thing (not at all colleges). It’s easy to say-let her fail, but not so easy when you spent $30,000 for the semester and it’s non-refundable after about 4 weeks in. In my child’s case, we received a partial refund for one of the semesters when a medical leave was taken. See if it’s available at your daughter’s school-you don’t have to let her know you bought it. Good luck, it’s been very difficult and I find some of the responses above to be cavalier. The concerns you are raising may well be more than the run of the mill transition to college concerns experienced by all kids. I have children who fit on both ends of that particular spectrum and I can tell you, my initial concerns with my child above and the thought of the gap year to ameliorate some of the concerns were spot on. Listen to your gut but also give her plenty of runway and opportunity to succeed.
Anonymous
Let her go. This may be exactly what she needs to stand on her own two feed without your assistance.
Anonymous
*feet
Anonymous
Why did you have her apply to colleges so far away? Now it’s too late.
Housecounsel
She applied to a close one, too, but chose one far away. I never limited where my kids could apply to college.
Anon
Because she’s almost 18 and can apply to college where she wants? Good luck stopping a smart almost-adult from making decisions about where to spend a major part of her life.
Housecounsel
Right. I understand, of course, when parents limit choices based on cost, but I cannot imagine limiting choices based on geography alone.
ATL rette
I was your daughter when I was a graduating senior and my mom could have written this post. I went across the country for school and didn’t know anyone.
The first semester was HARD. I struggled socially, I struggled academically, I called my parents crying multiple times…it was rough. My parents always gave me the option of coming home and going to school closer to home, which I appreciated. Something clicked over winter break (probably getting my grades…) and I ended up getting a 4.0 spring semester and making friends with the other people in my major. I honestly loved my college experience and wouldn’t change a thing.
I’m not a parent, but I think this is one of the times you just have to let your child do it themselves and stand on their own two feet. I came out much more independent than my two siblings who went to school closer to home and have lifelong friends. It just takes some time!
Inspired By Hermione
Similar to me. I got extraordinarily sick within a week of starting school and was hospitalized for 2.5 weeks (but I had family in my new city and my parents both came over for parts of that time), I had ZERO friends, I had a chronic illness that didn’t make dorm living work and so I was in a grad complex in a studio, and I was probably in retrospect depressed on top of super sick. I made it through, but hated it. It didn’t really get better for me until March or April, September to March was a lonely, difficult time. I would call my mom crying most nights. I literally did not hang out with anyone between January and April. Not one person. My parents always let me know it was ok to come home to go to somewhere closer, that it wasn’t a failure, and that they supported me. I got way closer to them both as a result. By spring quarter I was happier and I couldn’t wait to go back sophomore year.
Anon
I think you need to treat your daughter like an adult. I’m also of the belief that if you do not allow kids to fail, you wind up with anxiety-ridden messes who refuse to challenge themselves.
Help her find a counselor in her new town, so that she is set up with one when she gets there.
Tell her the parameters for continuing to pay for college (e.g., does she need to get a certain GPA? carry a certain courseload? stay off academic probation?). Are you willing to pay for additional years of college? Are you willing to pay for summer school?
What part of college funding is on her shoulders?
Discuss with her the plan for if this is a mess – which frankly, can happen even to the most mature and self-motivated kids. They date someone controlling and ab-sive, they get an illness that requires them to come home, they absolutely hate their “dream school,” their roommate is a nightmare. Year off? Gap year? Finish out the degree at night school while working?
As a final thought, I think you ought to explain to her, in painful detail, the difference between applying to college and succeeding at college. One requires vastly more than the other.
NOLA
There is a chance that she’ll fail, but think about the consequences. Could she transfer and recover? I don’t think that would be the end of the world. I met with a student and parents last summer and the parents had hovered and protected his whole life. He has some disabilities and ADHD among other things. The young man clearly wanted to be more independent and he actually cut off his parents from communicating with the school. By midterm, he was failing my class and the parents came to try and meet his professors. I don’t think he made it through his freshman year. He wanted to, but just required too much coaching from the parents to keep on a good path. A cautionary tale, but I think you have to let her try.
Kayla
Suggest her joining a sorority or other volunteer/social organizations to help her meet people and have a home base (I didn’t live at my sorority house but was there everyday to socialize so I didn’t go home to my room and not talk to anyone -my roommates were terrible so we never hung out- and I had a solid network of friends in Greek life I preferred to hang out with.
Anonymous
No, please do not tell your daughter to join a sorority! I had a friend in college whose parents pushed her to join a sorority because they had enjoyed Greek life when they were in college and it was some sort of status thing to them, plus they couldn’t understand how anyone wouldn’t think it was fun. She was miserable and ended up dropping out of the sorority after the first year, but not before wasting a ton of money, time, and self-esteem. A kid with OCD who is having social issues in high school will be totally destroyed by the whole process. Let her find her tribe around common interests.
Anon
+1 million. I have anxiety and rushing and joining a sorority was by far the worst part of my college experience. And I did it without any parental pressure and I was at a top university where sorority girls were mostly more focused on school and sports than boys and partying. I still found Greek culture and the whole rush process super toxic.
AnonZ
Ugh – I just wrote a super long comment and then accidentally refreshed the page and lost it!
To summarize: let her go. I struggled a lot in high school for a variety of reasons, including some mental health issues. My personality didn’t suddenly change when I got to college but having more control over my schedule and being in a new environment helped a lot. Not in a fantasy “I can reinvent myself” way, but just generally being exposed to new things and having a completely different structure to my life. Honestly, the things that helped the most were random small things I could not have predicted, like how good it was for my mental health to have a free gym a five-minute walk from my dorm.
Also, I had a partial scholarship with a GPA requirement and my parents made it very clear that if I lost that scholarship, my butt was coming right back home, no room for negotiation. I had the scholarship based on some really strong test scores but my grades in high school were not good at all. But having a clear and (fairly) immediate consequence motivated me in a way that the theoretical “it’s important to get good grades so you can get into a good college!” never had. I still struggled a lot (I wound up being diagnosed with ADHD several years after college), but I didn’t skip class and tried hard to do all my homework and took advantage of the school resource center to make certain I could stay. You might give your daughter similar boundaries.
The other thing I would suggest, and it may sound counter-intuitive, is pushing her to get a part-time job. A lot of my maturing in college came from working in the “real world” – first as a grocery store cashier and then as a waitress. You might think it will be too much for her to handle, but it was genuinely very good for me. I could not just sit in my room and spiral, I had to learn to interact with all sorts of people, it gave me confidence to be earning my own money. I learned that I liked working much better than I liked school, which made me feel hopeful because all I’d known my whole life was school, and I wasn’t very good at that.
Good luck!! She’ll be fine.
Housecounsel
Thanks! She has had PT (mall) jobs over the holidays and has done really well.
AnonZ
I think that should give you more confidence than anything else! If she’s shown that she’s capable of navigating a job (especially retail! at the holidays!), then I think you’ll find that she’s better prepared to be more independent than you think.
AnonZ
Oh, also – nearly the whole first year was hard.
I remember coming home for Thanksgiving break and crying in the car on the way to the airport to go back to school because I was homesick and unhappy. After I was home for a month at winter break, I remember feeling neutral about going back to school – I still wasn’t overjoyed about it but I’d gotten my grades and done pretty well (for the first time since about sixth grade), and a month at home reminded me how much more freedom I had at school. And by the time spring break rolled around, things had reversed and I basically moped around my parents’ house for a week before bolting back to school to be with my friends.
So, I realize this is just one person’s story but I am very hopeful for you that your daughter will find college to be a better environment for her than high school.
FP
So, I was your daughter. Young for my grade, relatively sheltered and immature, and probably not ready for college. Grades through high school were middling because I could do the bare minimum and not try and pass everything, but also I was afraid of failing and embarrassing myself. I got into some decent colleges with no scholarship support (this was more the fault of my parents who didn’t understand the FAFSA and just… didn’t complete it), and since going to those wasn’t an option financially, I went to the local state college where I could afford the tuition. In all honesty, this was my biggest life mistake. I was so embarrassed that I was there and wasn’t happy at all, I stayed in my room and never went to class, and just floundered and didn’t have the maturity to reach out to anyone to help figure out how to get out of my situation. I ended up moving to another state with my boyfriend after a year (which could have been a disaster) but it was the best thing for me. I couldn’t fall back on my parents, became truly mature and independent and accountable, and I thrived at the local state college in my new city – basically knocked it out of the park so much so that I was able to get into an Ivy for grad school. All of that to say: there are many ways this will end, but I do think going away to college initially would have been a much better option for me.
anon
Let her go. Anecdotally, a good friend of mine from high school was a little like your daughter–barely made it through senior year of high school because of one particular subject, disorganized, etc. She was accepted into a private school about a 5-hour drive away, with 75% scholarship, and her parents both refused to pay and emotionally blackmailed her because they wanted her to go to the local state university (satellite school, not highly ranked). We all encouraged her to take loans and get some distance, but she went to the local university. She did not succeed there and failed out of her program of choice. She did not cut the tie with her parents. She works for them in their business (not related to what she wanted to do in our 20s) and lives near them. She still seems to let them direct big and small decisions.
FWIW, I know that she is responsible for her life and is allowing them to direct her decisions. I also wonder what her life would have been like if they’d supported her in her school of choice (even if just emotionally), or if she’d had the courage to go without their support and despite their emotional blackmail.
Housecounsel
OK. She graduates this weekend. We will start shopping for dorm bedding, and I will take all the excellent advice here to heart.
Anonymous
I actually think the situation sounds very promising. She’s taken the initiative to select and apply to a school that she thinks is a good fit for her and is not right down the block from home. She has done well with a part-time job. She is actively seeking to grow up and has taken steps towards independence on her own. It would be a terrible mistake to insist that she stay home when she is eager to go. If she stayed home, what exactly would she do anyway, and how would that aid in her development? Living with her parents and working a dead-end job or attending community college* is not going to make her any more ready to be out on her own, it will just stunt her growth.
Seventeen is by no means too young to start college. Until states started moving their kindergarten birthday cutoffs up to September and redshirting became an epidemic, it was typical for kids with fall birthdays to start college at 17.
*N.B. that I believe community college is a wonderful stepping stone to a career or a four-year degree for kids who wouldn’t otherwise have the opportunity to attend college, but this kid has already been admitted to her first-choice four-year school and wants to go
CA Mom
I have a highschool senior who did not choose the school I would have and I have been very sad. I think you need to let her go and trust that it will work out. If it doesn’t…it’s not the end of the world :)
wonderbreadgirl
Housecounsel, after reading this thread and your responses I just want to say: You are a wonderful and loving mom. I can tell how much you want to do right by your daughter even thought these are hard, uncertain choices. As a mom of two young daughters I look forward to the kind of decisions you are making now with a lot of anxiety. It seems to me that you are doing a great job.
S
Please be kind. I’m feeling really sad about my relationship with my only sibling. I would move mountains for him. He does not make any effort with me; this began after he began dating his now-wife. I am not going to blame her for our relationship, because that is his responsibility. She and I aren’t close. It is just abundantly difficult to feel so expendable, unwanted. I know that the way he treats me isn’t a reflection of my value as a person, but this hurts my soul in a way that no other relationship has. I know the way forward just consists of me making the effort and keeping the door open, but I just feel like I was thrown in the garbage and he doesn’t care. I have tried talking to him about this; usually I end up crying and he doesn’t get why I feel strongly about us having a relationship. I don’t want to be the main person in his life, but can’t I have SOME relationship with him? :(
Anon
You have to back off. You’ve said what you can say – that you want to have a relationship with him – and right now he does not feel the same way. Give it space and time and see what happens in the long run. You are always going to be siblings whether you’re close at the moment or not.
In the meantime find something else to focus on.
anon
Agree. I’m your brother. My brother would like to have more a relationship with me but I just…can’t. I think he really wants me to be his emotional support, but I am not in a position to be that person for him. You can be said about it and maybe it will change over time to something resembling closer to what you want.
Anonymous
+1 – I’m your brother. I try to be supportive but find myself rolling my eyes all the time at the stuff he says, the way he lives his life, and the way he totally does not understand my current life with kids (one is special needs) and other moving pieces. And he does not seem to understand that there’s anything TO understand (because he knows everything). If you are like this at all: don’t be.
Anon
+1 this is my relationship with my brother to a T. I hope it improves someday but I’m not sure if it will.
Anonymous
I think it is really hard when people aren’t who you want them to be! For all of us! But also he’s made it clear that he’s not interested in the kind of relationship you want.
Anon
Have you tried to become friends with his wife? I’ve had four serious relationships and all the guys had a (younger) sister who was weirdly hostile to me and we could never develop a friendship. I’m not someone who generally has a hard time making or staying friends with other women or working with other women, so I can only conclude that a lot of younger sisters are very standoff-ish to their big brothers’ girlfriends/wives.
Anon
+1 My SIL seemingly gets along great with everyone in her life (as do I honestly), but she’s always been a major B to me, and we cannot stand each other. We have similar interests, styles, etc. If we met each other as strangers, we would like each other. But she’s always had a weird hostility with me, and after years of trying I now want nothing do with her.
+1
My SIL is like this. She’s 14 years older, so she’s “protective” over my husband. She also struggles with addiction and mental health issues (and always ends up crying at holidays). We live about an hour from his family (they’re in the ‘burbs/we are in the city) and she’s always whispering to him, “When are you going to move home?” Um, we are home!
Anon
I believe you, but totally don’t get this. I really hope to be friends with my older brother’s wife, if he ever gets married. And I’ve tried to be friends with all of my serious girlfriends. Why would someone not want that?
Anonymous
It’s a bit like this with my sister. We both have busy lives and small kids but I feel like I’ve made it a priority to see her and visit her but there is no recpriocation. I’ve accepted that she and I just want different things out of a sibling relationship and her lack of efforts it’s because of anything I’ve done or not done. It’s been freeing to accept that our relationship will not be as close as many friends have with their siblings, but constantly trying to make it something it wasn’t was not healthy for me.
AN
I’m so sorry. I can empathise as my sibling also doesn’t make any effort at all to keep in touch, even if I’m upset. It seems like everything takes precedence over me. I’ve struggled for years to accept it. Has borrowed a ton of money and doesn’t seem to have any plans to repay despite my asking her multiple times. Finally told myself I’m lucky to have my parents, Husband, kids, friends, etc.
She can initiate contact or not whenever she feels like it. Making myself miserable isn’t going to change anything.
Anonymous
Thank you. I appreciate this kind response.
BeenThatGuy
Your last sentence is perfect. I have a sibling that I haven’t seen or heard from in 18 years. In the beginning, I called, sent cards,emailed, etc with no response. When I had a child, I heard nothing. When I got divorced, I heard nothing. When I had a life threatening illness, I heard nothing. It took ALL of those things to happen for me to finally decide to stop reaching out. I’m not angry or sad anymore. My door is always open to him, I just no longer stand by it.
anon
Not with a sibling, but I have found myself in your brother’s position. Honestly, usually I just can’t figure out why that person is so intent on having a relationship with me. It tends to feel like “well that’s what you do with [insert relation here]” which is frankly not enough for me to care about indulging. I’d be much more inclined to want to get closer to someone who really saw me as ME and not as [sister/daughter/whatever that they feel like makes them have an obligation to be close to] If someone showed appreciation or interest in me for who I am, I’m much more likely to be interested than theatrics about “why can’t we be close?” that I typically feel like are done for the wrong reasons.
I have no idea how applicable this is to your situation, but it is a different perspective. I do think you should back off and especially avoid the discussions of feelings. Maybe also investigate why it’s so important for you to have a close relationship with him. Is it “because he’s my brother?” or is there something deeper. And definitely find another way to occupy your thoughts. Sorry, this is hard.
nona
Honestly, no, he doesn’t owe you a relationship just because you are siblings. You will always have shared history, so will always have a connection. Sometimes you luck into a great sibling relationship, but its by no means a given. You are putting a lot of weight on your brother’s acceptance/rejection of you.
But, yes, you need to back the f*ck off. Invite him to stuff, plan a monthly/quarterly lunch (if you want), but don’t do it with expectations of reciprocation. Make sure you are connecting with other people in your life.
Wow
No need to be so rude. Geez.
OP, I can definitely understand why this would hurt so much. Sorry.
nona
I’m sorry, what was the rude part? The swearing? Or readjusting expectations? Not enough softening words? Sorry not sorry.
I’ve been there with the sibling relationships and this is where I’ve landed on the other side. I’ve done my fair share of reaching out and arranging things and giving us an opportunity to bond and it didn’t happen. He never reciprocated. Its not a relationship if the other person doesn’t contribute. And trying to force something instead of letting it develop or change naturally is a surefire way to burn an existing relationship to ground.
So if OP wants to preserve what relationship she has, she needs to back the f*ck off and give it room to breathe and see how it develops. And it may not go to her plan. Does it hurt to have someone not meet your vision for them? Sure. But that means you need to readjust your expectations.
Anonymous
“He never reciprocated.”
Maybe he doesn’t like rude people.
nona
uh-huh. I’m sure that was exactly it. If only you had told me sooner.
Anon
I swear, some people here are so sensitive I don’t understand how you even make it through life.
anon
Maybe harsher than necessary, but +1 on content. Sorry you’re hurting OP.
Anon
I don’t understand, what kind of relationship do you want with him? What are you expecting from him?
You don’t mention any hostility or other real issue in the relationship, just a lack of closeness. If you want him to be your best friend, you might want to change your expectations – you can’t force a certain level of friendship on someone, family or not.
It is perfectly normal for a man to lean more heavily on his wife than his sister for emotional support – he doesn’t need you for that anymore and that’s okay. If you’re expecting him to reach out as much as you, that may just not be his way. He’s your sibling and you guys get along so you’ll always have some sort of closeness based on shared history. I liken it to friends who you only talk to once a quarter and see once a year or so, but when you get together, you’re just as close and it’s like nothing has changed It’s okay to have that sort of relationship with a sibling and to allow your relationship to grow and change natural over time.
So Anon
It sounds like your brother could be my ex, who is entirely estranged from his family. His sister routinely checks-in with him and with me, but my ex wants nothing to do with his family. Ex is in the midst of his own struggles, of which his family is vaguely aware but has no idea of the depth of his struggles. Here is what I have learned: as adults, we get to decide with whom we want a relationship, and it takes two to say yes to a relationship. It takes only one no for the relationship not to work. Your brother is currently saying he does not want the type of relationship that you do. You cannot force the relationship on him, but it sounds like you are trying to keep the door open, which is all that you can do. I totally get that it hurts and that this is tough. Like my ex, his lack of a desire for a relationship may have absolutely nothing to do with you but with his own life, struggles or mindset. Hugs.
Anon
You can ignore if you want, because I realize this is a very personal question, but is there a reason you didn’t tell your ex’s family about what was going on? I remember from your posts that your ex was hospitalized, etc. for mental health struggles. I feel like if my husband went through that, my first call would be to his parents. Or maybe my second call, since I might call my own parents first for moral support. And I just read an interesting book (My Lovely Wife in the Pysch Ward) where the husband of a woman with schizophrenia/BPD goes into the details of their experience and a lot of it revolves around how he, her parents, his parents and all their siblings balanced and navigated her care. It’s hard for me to imagine a person’s family of origin not being involved once the person has been hospitalized, unless they actively chose not to be.
So Anon
When the initial mental health crisis escalated three plus years ago, I did tell his family. His family was… less than helpful. For example, instead of providing any type of support, his dad blamed my ex for being emotionally insensitive to his mother for having a mental illness. As I now know, ex has major depressive disorder, ocd and borderline personality disorder. Ex’s mother also likely has borderline personality disorder. Asking his parents to be involved in his care would be like if my ex was an active alcoholic and his parents were active alcoholics who refused treatment; it would not be helpful and would be detrimental. If you are a fan of captain awkward’s blog, check out the post about Alice, which is so very close to my ex-MIL.
Anon
I see, that makes a lot of sense. Thanks for your reply.
Anonymous
I’m kind of stunned by the responses here. Though maybe I’m not — this is how many/most American families are. He’s your brother. Yes you SHOULD have a relationship. You can’t force him obviously. Just keep a door open — it’s all you can do now. It can be small things like remembering a birthday, sending Christmas gifts even if he doesn’t do those things for you, commenting on his/his wife’s social media every so often (not ALL THE TIME though). etc.
Anonymous
Thank you so much. This is a really thoughtful response and gives me some concrete ideas of ways to keep the door open, but not overwhelm. It is clear to me that I cannot force anything– I get that. Thank you.
Anon
Agreee! I’d be CRUSHED if my brother had no interest in staying close.
I’m also very surprised how many people are telling OP to back off and accept that her brother isn’t interested.
Anon
I’m very sympathetic but she does need to back off. Her current method of pressuring him for a relationship is clearly pushing him farther away, and only hurting her further.
I have a very close relationship with one sibling now, but we went through kind of a “break” in our relationship for about a year. I guarantee you that if I had kept pushing at her, it would have taken more than a year to mend fences.
My other sibling and I are not close at all and see each other only when there’s a family event. Other than that we are just Facebook friends. This makes me sad but you cannot force someone to have the kind of relationship with you that you’d like. It just doesn’t work.
I’m not sure what you would have OP do differently. Keep pleading with and nagging her brother? How is that going to help, exactly?
Anonymous
This perspective is really helpful. Sometimes it just is what it is.
Anonome
Hard disagree. This “family first, blood before all” mentality is how toxic people keep you under their thumbs. Many people are stuck in unhealthy patterns because they feel obligations to relatives they would never bother with if not for fahhhhhhmily.
I’m not assuming that’s the case for OP, not at all. But it is an issue in many families, and tossing off a “heartless Americans” assumption is part of the problem. We need to stop pulling other crabs back down into the bucket.
Anon
AMEN to this.
Anonymous
Another AMEN
CountC
THIS!!
Anon
But OP has never suggested that she had a toxic relationship with her brother. I’m sorry but American family culture does seem very bankrupt to me. People are pretty cavalier about tossing out these relationships when they’re not convenient. They are missing out on a rich, beautiful family life that will carry you through your life. Yes, you put up with more from your family than others. But those are also the people who will visit you in the hospital, take care of your kids, cook for you and love you unconditionally. Americans often have empty social networks, and this is why – too much emphasis on individualism and boundaries and not enough emphasis on communities and tolerance.
I have 3 sisters and a plethora of nieces and nephews who all adore each other. We see each other all the time. Friends often wistfully tell me they envy my extended family life. Well, it’s work too! You work on your relationships with your spouse, friends and kids – you have to work on your family relationships as well. Trust me, it’s so worth it.
[The one major caveat to the above is toxicity and abuse. But again, nobody has said that is a factor here.]
Immigrant
I agree with you. Not all American families of course, but when I see the amount of time and effort my immigrant family and other immigrant families make for one another, there is no comparison. We don’t always get along and life is not perfect but we all care and would do anything for one another. American is way too individualistic and the best example of this is seeing the number of lonely elderly people living by themselves, far from family.
Inspired By Hermione
Yes, this.
Yes
+ 1
I completely agree with you. So much of America is great and and there are many strong family relationships here, but I am saddened when I see how many people here have such distant relationships with their siblings, parents, etc. And no feud or abuse or otherwise any reason to not be close. They just aren’t. I don’t get it.
I like the idea of checking in on birthdays, major holidays, periodically on social media.
Abby
I’m sorry you’re going through this! I don’t have any good advice but I want to give you an internet hug. As an internet stranger, I totally blame the SIL/I think people are being a little unnecessarily harsh here. I’m assuming OP was close with her brother and then it changed because of SIL. Which is pretty different than if her brother and her were never close/he never wanted a relationship.
Anonymous
OP here- thank you. I thought the same but wasn’t sure if I was being overly sensitive on an already-sensitive matter. We were always very close. Now we are not. I don’t want to blame her, but I do think that the dynamic of another person did alter the original relationship. And that’s fine! It just hurts to be totally evicted from someone’s life because they found someone else to care about. The way I view things is that love is not finite. But I also recognize that I am but one perspective in this situation. Thank you for your kindness. I really appreciate it.
Anon
Have you really been totally evicted from his life, or just totally evicted from the number one spot?
Anon
Wow, you’re going to blame his wife? Because he found a partner and decided that she should be his number one person instead of his sister? Yikes.
Abby
Yup, because OP is his sister, is clearly hurting, and I don’t know the entire story. She clearly just needs some support and I have no problem giving it. It doesn’t sound like she moved from #1 to #2. It sounds like she moved from #1 to nonexistent, which is very painful. I have a few friends who have had very similar experiences, so I feel for OP.
Anonymous
Sure it’s painful, but this is her BROTHER’S choice. Unless the wife has him chained up in the basement with no way of communicating with the outside world, this was a choice HE made. Of course, it’s easier for her to blame the SIL instead of accepting that her brother doesn’t want the kind of relationship they used to have.
OP
Thank you for your kindness. I didn’t expect so many hostile responses. The way you framed it is spot on– moving from A priority to nonexistent. I don’t think I was ever #1, and that’s not what I’m going for. I appreciate that you are willing to leave a nice comment instead of telling me that I should grow up and move on.
Anon
“Unless the wife has him chained up in the basement with no way of communicating with the outside world, this was a choice HE made.”
Yeah. The brother sounds like a jerk (barring major issues we don’t know about) but I still fail to see why the wife should be blamed for his choices. It’s really super duper sexist to blame a woman for her husband’s behavior.
Abby
I would feel the same way if it was a sister instead of a brother, and the big change happened after the sister started dating the BIL. I see why it came off sexist so I apologize. I think it’s strange and hurtful despite when a sibling cuts off his family, she’s not asking to be the main person in his life! It sounds like he’s not talking to her at all.
Abby
OP – One of my husband’s friends girlfriend, whose name starts with S, has told me about a situation that was similar. If that’s you (obviously my name is Abby), please text me if you want! I want to reach out, but don’t know if you are the same person. Either way I just want to give you a big hug and tell you to be patient, give your brother some space and if you’re willing, keep an open door to the relationship if he ever wants one again. I wish I could drink a glass of wine with you
Anonymous
+1. When a person gets married, his”family” is the new family he’s created, not his family of origin. A person only has a limited amount of time and mental energy. Your brother is growing up and moving on with his life in an appropriate fashion. You need to do the same.
Anon
I find this depressing and sad. You don’t just dump your family of origin when you get married. If you love them, and they matter to you, you keep them around in your life in a meaningful way.
Anon
This. And OP, seriously people who are telling you this aren’t being mean or rude. It’s just the truth. Sometimes that hurts to hear, but that’s what you asked for.
Wow
What??? This is ridiculous. Of course he needs to prioritize his wife, but that doesn’t mean having zero relationship with his sister. There is a huge difference between talking/emailing once every few weeks to having no contact.
Jane
I don’t have any advice, but I want you to know that you’re not alone (and, frankly, it was comforting to read your post that I almost could have written). My brother, parents, and I were friends as adults. My brother and I were super duper early morning workout buddies multiple times per week for years and also emailed throughout each day, even during our stints at respective BigLaw offices. I made sure we always got together early in the morning so as to not interfere with his family time.
My SIL never liked me; many people who knew all of us suspect she was envious of my career. She is quite literally the only person in my life who has not liked me. Things with her began to deteriorate after I moved back to my hometown a few years into my career. For various reasons, I believe she is the instigator behind my brother’s decision to completely separate from my parents and me. And I think he was either too weak to stand up for those relationships or he was given an ultimatum and needed to choose his wife to keep his family together. My parents and I were never told why we were cut off and there was no event we can tie it to because we never fought.
I haven’t seen my brother in nearly 8 years. He has not met my spouse. I have not met some of his children. If, in 2005, you’d told me this is where we would be today, I would have told you that you don’t understand my family. We were friends, not just siblings. Our parents are fantastic and not at all toxic (just ask all my friends who become friends with my parents).
When I noticed him disconnecting, I tried to have the same conversations that you have. He had no explanations to share about why he was disappearing. Nothing changed. After about 12 months, I stopped trying to contact him. It was exceedingly painful in the beginning, but that is drastically reduced now and it only hurts now and then. I don’t know that he would ever be welcome in my life again if he tried to come back. At least for now, I’m still too angry—-primarily because of how his actions hurt my parents—-and I don’t believe he would not disappear again. That is not potential pain I’m willing to live through twice if I can avoid it.
I try to think about it as “I can’t believe he’s missing out on getting to be part of my life!” And that helps. Even so, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I don’t think at this point there is anything you can do to change how he acts. The only question is how, if at all, you want to change how you think and act. I’m sorry I cannot give you advice to make it better. I can only tell you that you are not alone.
OP
Thank you. That reframing is really helpful. I often remind myself that I can only control my own actions, but as you know, it can be hard/sad. Best of luck to you as you navigate this journey. It is validating to have a spouse that sees what is going on, but ultimately no one can force anyone to act in a certain way. I appreciate your comment and thoughtfulness. I think this is the kind of situation that is hard to understand until you’ve been through it.
Anonymous
How do you respond to gendered “constructive” criticism? I am expected to respond to all criticisms in a positive way that shows I have taken the comments to heart and made efforts to improve. It is a very serious negative if I push back on the criticism.
I was recently denied for a promotion but I will have the opportunity to apply again next year. The application process requires me to write a memo about myself and my career. When someone is up for the second time, they are expected to explain how they addressed the comments they received during the first round. The comments I received were not helpful. They told me to do more of what I’m already doing. The only real criticism is that I’m too intense – my manager is a woman and sort of eye rolled at the feedback but said she had to read it to me because it’s on the form. I got another comment that I believe is gendered – they assumed that I’m not assertive enough in asking for a certain type of opportunity even though I have been asking and it just hasn’t come to fruition yet. Everyone knows this opportunity takes a long time to develop and my mentors have all told me to keep my chin up, it’ll happen eventually. The feedback basically said because it hasn’t happened I must not be asking so I should ask; I don’t think they’d make the same assumption about a man. I don’t really know how to respond to this in a positive way, particularly since my response has to be in writing. Help?
Anonymous
Based on last year’s feedback, I have been more assertive in asking for ABC and have taken x, y, and z actions to try and make it happen.
MagicUnicorn
This sounds like a bureaucratic nightmare.
Anonymous
I’m a second year associate who went straight K-JD and I’m taking my first two depositions today. Just want to ask for good vibes, I’m nervous but excited!
Anon
Good luck! You’ll do great.
Anonymous
You’ll do great!!! Remember you can take a break any time you want and pauses don’t show up on the transcript.
Never too many shoes...
Just dive in, girl. Rip off the bandaid and just know everyone has a first time. You got this.
Anonymous
Enjoy! It’s so fun once you start taking, you’ll be searching for depos! And I’m jealous I didn’t get to take until my 4th year!
Anon
Best wishes! I defended my first depos around the same time. It was me rather than someone more experienced because I had a very limited mission, and I focused on that mission and rocked it. You will too.
Anon
Can anyone explain to me the appeal of Manolo shoes? Is it their heels or their flats? If their heels are exceptionally comfortable, then that makes sense to me. Otherwise, I don’t get why people want them so much.
anon
Do people still want them so much? I think of them as very early 2000s – the styles haven’t looked current to me for a while and I don’t know anyone who wears them these days.
Anon
+1 Nobody I know covets Manolos, except teenage girls who love Carrie Bradshaw.
Anon
I agree it’s an older style want, but Manolos came to be popular because they were beautifully made and flattering on a woman’s foot. I tried some on and almost bought them and I have NEVER spent that much on shoes. And I still haven’t because I didn’t buy them, but I was tempted.
Anon
It’s a prestige and display thing.
Anonymous
I have good friends who say their pumps are super comfortable. I wouldn’t go with any of the trendy or flashy ones though.
anon
This is an ignorant question admittedly, but when recruiters reach out on LinkedIn, how do you approach the phone call with them if you decide to pursue it? Especially if it’s in a different industry than yours? If it matters, the industry is private equity, and I’m currently a consultant who does a lot of PE work.
CHL
They reached out to you and they should be ready to do their little pitch. You could say that you weren’t really looking but were intrigued, and could they tell you a little more about the company, the role and what they’re looking for. Expect to give a high-level run down of your resume/ summary, and think about some statements you could make about what you’re looking for in a new opportunity. The recruiter call is the top of the funnel, so to speak, so they’ll determine whether they want to pass you along in the process – usually presenting your profile to hiring manager, and you can do the same about whether you liked what you heard enough to move forward as well. I take these a lot even if I’m not totally interested because it’s good to learn about what’s out there, practice skills, and develop contacts with recruiters.
anon
Thanks. I’m not looking right now, but do want some info on my potential exit options. When you’re in that situation, when do you stop engaging with them/how do you manage expectations?
Sunshine
Treat it like an informational interview and see what sort of information you can learn about the role, the company, etc. I wouldn’t want to have more than 2 calls with the same person if I were only exploring, just to avoid looking like I’m wasting their time. State up-front that you’re not actively looking but that you are interested to hear more. They’ll likely hear this as “maybe I can be convinced to move.” When you are ready to disconnect, tell them honestly if you’re at all intrigued by the opportunity and that you might reach back out to them when you are ready to move. You never know, sometimes the opportunities that come to you work out to be the right ones. It can’t hurt to explore.
Anon
Recommendation for things to do/see in Minneapolis area? Going for July 4th weekend and am interested in nature and hikes, but would also like to get a sense of the city.
Ms B
My primary Minneapolis area recommendations are to eat at H*ll’s Kitchen for breakfast every day possible and go to Izzy’s for ice cream on the daily.
Anon
+1 million to Hell’s Kitchen! It was great.
Mpls
They have house made peanut butter, if that’s your jam (ha!)
Anonymous
Spend some time in St. Paul! Great restaurants and walkable. If you like old buildings check out the Landmark Center, downtown library, and cathedral. Also walk Summit Ave—lots of beautiful, historic homes including the governor’s mansion.
Mpls
1. Lots of city parks. Lake Nokomis – South Mpls for walking and biking. 5-8 Club nearby for a Jucy Lucy. Bde Maka Ska (formerly Lake Calhoun) in Uptown, with lots of eating options. Nokomis is more residental/family, Calhoun is more hipster/younger.
2. Sculpture gardens – Cherrybridge Spoon
3. Breweries. They’re everywhere. Surly has got a really good taproom with some pretty amazing food to go along with a 2 page tap list. Keg and Case (St. Paul) is a cool mix of food/beer/other vendors.
4. Minnehaha Falls Park – good walk/hike. Not too far from Lock and Dam #1 of the Mississippi River
5. St. Croix River – East of the city along the River, there’s more hiking, canoeing down the river
6. Gold Medal Park/Guthrie Theatre/Mill City Museum – right on the Mississippi River in downtown. Otherside of the river (take the pedestrian StoneArch Bridge) is St. Anthony on Main and the University/Hennepin section of NE Mpls.
Anon
Visit St. Paul! Great restaurants, walkable. If you like old buildings check out the Landmark Center, downtown library and cathedral. Walk Sunmit Ave—beautiful historic homes including the givernor’s mansion.
Minne
We always bring out of town guests to the riverfront in Minneapolis near the Stone Arch Bridge and St. Anthony Falls. You can eat outside (Astor Cafe for brunch!) and then walk along the river. Check out Water Power park, walk across the Stone Arch Bridge, etc.
Surly Brewing is a must do if you’re a beer person.
Minnehaha Falls is great. Eat at Sea Salt. Hike to the Mississippi.
Eat at Young Joni in NE Minneapolis. The owner just won a James Beard award.
Butcher and the Boar’s beer garden is fabulous. They also make great cocktails.
If the weather is clear, check out the bar at top of the Foshay Tower (now the W hotel) for cool views.
Anon
Young Joni is closed now after a fire.
Architect
It re-opened about a week after the fire.
Architect
Where will you be staying? In Minneapolis, I would rent a bike and use the paths to make your way around the city. You could start downtown around the Stone Arch Bridge and work your way south around the lakes. There are several farmer’s markets which are fun to visit even if you will not be cooking. The restaurant scene is varied and great. I would check out Eater’s list for recommendations. If you rent a car, you could take day trips. Some that come to mind are Wayzata and Excelsior on Lake Minnetonka. You can take the ferry called Steamboat Minnehaha to get on the Lake. It’s a HUGE lake. Stillwater is a charming town with antique stores and good restaurants. Taylors Falls is north of the city and offers easy access to State Parks along the St. Croix River. Enjoy!
Glossier
I’m a 42 year old woman, and I’m about to pull the trigger on a cart full of Glossier products. Can anyone speak to how they work for older women? I’m looking for fairly light makeup, and I’m not ordering any of the glitter–basically Lash Slick, Boy Brow, the tinted lipgloss stuff, the cloud blush, concealer, a vitamin C serum. I’m having a moment of second guessing whether I am just too old for this.
Anonymous
Pull the trigger and don’t look back. You will absolutely look and feel great with your new stuff.
Glossier
Thanks so much! I pulled the trigger. Looking forward to trying it.
anon
You’re 42! That’s not old!
Glossier
Totally agree, but it’s not 22 either.
Glossier opinion
How much coverage are you looking for? The one common complain with Glossier is that it’s so sheer you might as well not even bother. If you have any skin discolorations or abnormalities, it won’t cover. If you have really bad dark circles, the concealer won’t work well without three to five layers (at that point you might as well buy a better coverage concealer. It’s billed as “your skin but better” because you can basically see your skin through it, so if your skin is not close to perfect – the results will be disappointing and to me it’s too expensive to do so little.
Glossier
I wouldn’t call my skin perfect, but I am looking for fairly light coverage, which was one of the selling points. I do use a light foundation or tinted moisturizer, but I don’t always even use concealer, so I thought the coverage would be good. Thanks for the feedback–that’s exactly the kind of information I need.
Anon
+1 Lash slick, which I think I got from a recommendation here from Kat, is awesome. I am a no-makeup makeup person, however. Plus, I am old (over 55).
So Anon
Any tips for dealing with the unease of selling your house? My house went on the market at the end of last week, and we have had two showings plus 6 groups of people at the open house. It is a unique property (hobby farm with old farmhouse) in a hot market. I am pretty confident it will sell, but I have no idea how long it will take to find the right buyer. Keeping the place show ready is so much work, especially as a single parent with two elementary-aged kids. I’ve packed up and moved to storage as much as I can. This is the marital home that I am selling post-divorce and is the last thing tying me to my ex.
On the flip side, I have found an amazing place for my kids and I to land post-divorce. It is newer, smaller and in a great neighborhood. I know that I cannot afford to completely replace all furniture that the Ex and I bought while we were married, but I really want to replace as much as I can. I will not know how much I can replace until the old house sells. Ugh. Sitting with all of this uncertainty is brutal.
Senior Attorney
Ugh, I feel your pain. As I’ve posted here a thousand times, when I was in your shoes I kept telling myself “this time a year from now, everything will be much better,” and “the only way out is through.”
Hang in there. Better days are coming!
Vicky Austin
In a year from now, perhaps the budget will have bounced back enough to allow you to continue to phase out the old furniture. :)
Wedding Attendance Question
Would you all attend a wedding where you won’t know anyone except the bride and groom solo? My boyfriend and I just broke up and I have two weddings we were planning to attend later this summer/fall. I haven’t RSVP’d to either yet. The first is for a friend I only speak to about once per year and is about a five hour drive away. I feel pretty okay skipping this one and just sending a gift/card. The other is for a friend I see a few times per year and is about an hour from home. I feel guilty just thinking about skipping her wedding, particularly since this is a friendship I’d really like to maintain, but the idea of attending completely alone is nerve wracking. Thoughts or suggestions?
Anon
I wouldn’t attend solo. Bring a friend! If you’re not given a +1 I think she should not expect you to attend.
Anon
Yes, definitely ask if you can bring a friend. When I got married, one of my guests was in a similar situation and she asked me if she could bring a friend as her date instead. It was totally fine by me and I felt better knowing my guest was comfortable and having a good time.
I recently almost attended a wedding alone while my husband stayed home with our toddler. A friend who was also invited changed her mind and was able to come with me at the last minute, which was really fun, but once I got there, I realized that attending alone would not have been bad at all. People are usually more than happy to socialize once they’ve had a drink or two and the music starts playing.
Anon
Why should somebody need a chaperone in order to survive a few hours of celebrating a friend? I don’t understand how adults who are otherwise capable of being in situations where they don’t know anyone suddenly panic about being alone at a wedding. I get that it can be a little lonely to be at a wedding without a date because of all the romance in the air, but taking a friend isn’t going to solve that problem.
Anon
I would consider it a companion rather than a chaperone… at a wedding you’re not really celebrating with the friend getting married for more than a few minutes unless it’s a very small wedding. It’s no fun to celebrate by yourself. It’s not lonely because you don’t have someone to be lovey dovey with, it’s lonely because typically a reception consists of multiple tight knit social groups hanging out with each other and it’s not really fun to be there as a friendless outsider. Sure you can make some polite conversation and try to make friends with people, but everyone knows you’re some rando who will not be their lifelong friend and it’s natural to prioritize hanging out with their actual friends over you.
Anon
Huh, that’s never been my experience. Every wedding I’ve ever attended has had at least one table of people who don’t have any connection to anyone except the bride and groom. Sometimes it’s all singles, sometimes there are couples at that table too, but usually the people at that table are interested in making pleasant chit-chat over dinner, even if you all know you’re not going to be BFFs for life. I have social anxiety and find attending weddings solo much less stressful than attending something like a networking event, because you just sit there for the ceremony and then have an assigned table at the reception, and usually eating and watching the official dances fills most of that time any way. And asking “how do you know the bride and groom?” is a natural conversation opener that to me at least, tends to invite more interesting and natural conversation than the work-focused conversations you’d have at a networking event. It’s perfectly acceptable to leave after the cake is cut if you don’t have people you want to hit the dance floor with (though I know a lot of people who are more social than I am would find people to dance with).
Anonymous
My experience has been the same as Anon at 2:03. I would have no problem going alone and would plan to make friends.
Ellen
I agree. Sure, it would be easier to have your boyfriend there if he was still your boyfriend, but you broke up, and you can go solo and there will be other men there w/o dates, and who knows, you could meet someone hot! If not, you just can check it off as another solo evening, but I think there is a good chance you could find a decent guy looking for a serius relationship leading to marrage, and you could be the one for him and vise versa! So what have you got to loose other then a few hours of your time? Without a boyfreind, you have more time now to meet other men like those who will be at the wedding looking for a cute attorney like you, so go for it! YAY!!!
Anon
I think it’s silly to skip a wedding just because you won’t know anyone except the bride and groom. Weddings are a great place to meet people and even if you dislike small talk with strangers, it’s a really small, insignificant chunk of your life (a few hours of your time, at least some of which is spent sitting quietly and watching a ceremony) and a very significant milestone for your friend.
Anon
I’ve gone to about 20 weddings solo, and it’s been fine.
Go to the one that’s an hour away. You’re allowed to leave after the cake has been cut. Wear something lovely. Have fun and be happy for your friend.
Anon
This. I don’t think it will be that bad!
anon a mouse
Go! This is about celebrating your friend and a big moment in her life!
Yes, it may be awkward. If the friendship is important to you, you can handle a few hours of awkward. Let her know that you’ll be there solo and maybe she can seat you next to someone interesting to talk to. Or just make a point to meet her parents, her groom’s family, etc and enjoy the day. Everyone is in a good mood on a wedding day — allow yourself to just enjoy the festivities. (and yes you are allowed to leave after cake.)
Anon
Weddings are GREAT places to meet people! New friends included. I would not hesitate for a second to go alone (though get the feeling, I used to have the same hesitation).
Vicky Austin
If the rule is “always go to the funeral,” then the rule is “always go to the wedding,” too! Have fun!
BabyAssociate
Don’t go if you don’t want to. But don’t feel like you can’t go if you do want to just because you’d be alone!
Wedding Attendance Question
Thank you all. You’re right that I can absolutely spare a few hours of potential awkwardness to celebrate a very big event for a friend I hope to have in my life for years to come. Clearly I have some social anxiety so this seems like a much bigger deal than it probably is or even will be. Now I’m kind of stuck on whether to attend the one that’s out of state, but I think I’m more okay skipping that one. Thanks again.
anon
I understand the social anxiety. It’s hard to walk into a big room of strangers. I make a small goal of making at least one person “not a stranger” pretty quickly. Your friend may be able to direct you towards a particular person or crowd ahead of time.
I probably would not attend the out of state wedding–it’s a bigger investment for you, and you’re less invested in that friendship right now.
FYI, I am really grateful to all the guests who attended my wedding, 9 years later. It was a very happy day, and I loved celebrating with friends and family.
Anon100
I hope you come back and update us on whether or not you went, and if you had an at least decent time :)
FWIW my two cents are that you should attend the wedding that’s the friend you want to keep in touch with and just an hour away.
GO and have fun! You never know.
I crossed an ocean to attend a dear friend’s wedding, solo. The bride asked a friend of the groom to drive me to the reception. A few hours later, people were asking us how long we had been married. We spent the rest of the week joined at the hip. We are getting married later this year:)
Anon
Congratulations, and that’s a great story!
How deliberate was the bride’s question to her husband’s friend?
Anon
Congrats!! Love this story! My best friend also met her husband at a singles table at a wedding.
Ash
Absolutely I would go solo! If it’s a seated wedding, they’ll sit you at a table where you can talk to folks; if it’s more casual mingling, just go up to a group and join in. Most weddings bring together disparate groups of people, so you won’t be the only one who only knows the bride and groom. And dance floors are always filled with women dancing without partners — whether they came alone or not, plenty of men just refuse to dance, so the ladies dance in a group together! Go and have fun!
Alternative to white sandals?
I bought a navy, Tommy Hilfiger dress with white trim. I have no white shoes and I need to wear “comfort” shoes with arch support. The white sandal options I’ve found would make me look old, I feel. What alternatives? Thanks!
Anon
Navy and white are neutral, so wear whatever color you like.
nona
You can literally wear any other color shoe. Metallics, brown leather, pink, yellow, kelly green.
The only color I would try to avoid is black, and even that is probably workable.
Vicky Austin
Red!
Anon
I’d wear navy. Or navy and white spectators if you can find them.
Senior Attorney
I like mustard yellow shoes with navy and white.
OP
OP here, ladies: Thank you (and my daughter thanks you) for saving me from ugly shoes!
Ms B
Please recommend your preferred personal shopper/stylist at Bloomingdale’s (59th Street). I have a limited window of time when I hit the City next month and want to try on everything in the petite cusp-size range that runs from business formal to upscale casual (and maybe even something in the cocktail dress range) without having to run all over the (giant) store.
Thanks!
Anon
Quick question for the others with ADHD and rx meds. I have rx for 10 mg of Adderall. I don’t take it every day and only take it when I really need a kick in the butt, seriously struggling with self-motivation. After spending the last two days at work online instead of working, I realized it was time to take it again.
I took it and my heart is racing. My phone app has my resting heart rate at just over 100. This has happened once or twice in the past. The first time I called my doc, they had me come in and they lowered my dose. This was when I was on Vyvanse. The second time I called them and they were like “eh, it happens sometimes, it’s a side effect.” Basically, deal with it.
What I don’t understand is most times I take it and feel fine. It makes me focused like it’s supposed to. I may feel like I drank a cup of coffee but it doesn’t make me feel crazy. This time I feel like I drank 5 cups of coffee. It’s from the same bottle so it’s not like it’s a new lot that could have a different potency.
I can’t figure out why some days it hits me like this and other days I’m perfectly fine. My docs don’t seem to care. They did a cardio workup on me to “make me feel better” about it and my heart is in perfectly good shape.
So, those of you on rx stimulants, do you have days it reacts totally differently with your body than others? Have you figured out a correlation? Time in your cycle? Whether you ate first? Looking for some anecdotes. Google is just taking me to lots of dark places online about recreational drug use and that’s not what I’m looking for.
Anon
I only have a very general comment about mental health meds. I had issues at one point with a med that had previously been working well for me. One of my doctors told me that it was quite likely that the meds I actually got were varying in potency because they were now generic and the regs for generic meds allow a broader range of potency (something absurd like 20%) than brand name. I’m not at all in the industrial rx area so could be totally wrong but if I were you I wouldn’t rule out that what you took today is different than what you took before even though they are from the same lot and bottle. It does seem unlikely, but not impossible. So sorry you’re dealing with this! I’d do some heavy g**gling if I were you, and maybe call the doc again. Also, maybe food? Lots of water? A walk to get some energy out? I’m totally stabbing in the dark here.
Anonymous
There shouldn’t be that kind of variability in the same lots of medicine. The regs for generics allow for 85% bioequivalence to the branded version, but that’s not what you are describing.
Anon
Thank you. I’m going to try asking the pharmacist instead about this. Your comment about generics seems like it could be spot on.
anonshmanon
I don’t think a change of 20% in the concentration would be that surprising, and could account for some of the changes you are seeing.
But another factor is just that your body and metabolism aren’t the same day in and day out. Don’t underestimate that this can interact with the rx in unpredictable ways.
Anonymous
I have the same problem with both adderall IR and vyvanse and have not noticed what it correlates to. I don’t drink caffeine and I don’t eat breakfast so I’m always taking it on the same empty stomach. It doesn’t happen often but when it does, man! I don’t take the meds every day either. Have you tried lowering your dose to see if you can still get over the hump of “get ish done” with only 5 or 7.5 mg? I find the lower the dose the lower the risk of something going wrong. If you do drink caffeine still, maybe try cutting it out to see if it’s interfering with the stimulant drugs?
My fiance also has ADHD and has done a ton of research on this (he’s an engineer so it’s definitely a personality trait of his) and he said taking something like a Tums or other antiacid is supposed to make the medicine last longer because of how it’s absorbed in your stomach. I’ve never tried it.
Personally, sometimes I take half a Xanax to take the edge off but I only do that when the “jitters” are so bad it feels on the borderline of an anxiety attack.
Anonymous
I used to take Adderall and have since switched to Vyvanse. Adderall is deeply, deeply affected by what you eat. I have done extensive research on this because (while in law school) I used to try to eat specifically to potentiate the Adderall and it worked. The comment above about Tums/antacid is correct – if your stomach is alkalized when you take it, the Adderall will feel like it is affecting you more. I feel this a lot less with Vyvanse, which is why I switched. Another reason is that the ‘come-down’ from Adderall is much more intense, as are the jitters. Vyvanse was engineered to take away some of the bad side effects of Adderall. I would maybe look into switching, or take note of what you eat and if you feel different based on that.
Anon
So my FIL showed up unexpectedly at our home this morning. He was meeting DH for breakfast at a nearby cafe, but got there early and rang the doorbell. It was 8:15 and I was in my “home clothes”, not expecting him at all (and DH was showering). I start work at 9:00 and change at the last minute because I don’t want to be covered in cat hair. So FIL comes in, asks me why I’m not dressed yet, then tells me “I’m very lucky that my boss is nice enough to let me start at 9am” as though it was completely unheard of (he used to work in a factory setting, so more of a 6-3 situation). He then proceeds to ask me why the house is so messy (there was an Amazon box on the floor because the cat enjoys playing with them. That’s it). I told him to sit in the living room, left to get dressed, at told DH to go deal with his father and get out.
The whole interaction has me really thrown and angry. I start work at 9:00 because I work in biglaw and almost always stay past dinner. I was up at 6am answering emails and then I worked out. I was not a position to entertain people at this hour and he wasn’t supposed to just show up. If DH wants to meet his father for breakfast on a weekday, he runs his own business and sets his own hours so sure, but I don’t want him showing up and then tearing my lifestyle apart. Am I being unreasonable here? FIL always discusses my career as a cute hobby that distracts me from my one true calling – housekeeping – even though it’s my income that allowed DH to start his own business. Ugh.
Anonymous
Nice attitude.
Anonymous
I think her attitude is completely justified.
Anon
100% justified.
Anon
+100
Anonymous
Ignore him. He’s ignorant.
As he seems to come back on the same few points, I’d suggest avoiding engagement by deciding on a couple standard responses to the situations he repeatedly raises “Start working? Oh, I’ve been working since 6am, just took a break for some breakfast. DH does enjoy his later start though.”
“Didn’t notice the house was messy, you should mention it to DH and see if he wants to have the cleaners come more often.” [message is you don’t clean and you don’t manage the cleaners]
Tippins
I love both of these responses!
ArenKay
Wow; all of this would infuriate me. I think you handled it really well.
Vicky Austin
Ditto. Not sure if you want to pursue it any further, but I would definitely talk to DH rather than FIL and tell him you’d like his father’s attitude toward you to be more respectful (especially when he surprises you, in your home, at 8:00am on a weekday!)
lsw
I’m infuriated just reading this. It would have been hard for me not to say something about how when you make as much money as I do, you have more flexibility with your hours (assuming you make decent money in biglaw). Sounds like you handled as well as possible.
Mpls
Unexpected guests take what they get. Especially when they interrupt morning routines. It was rude move on FIL’s part.
Anonymous
Don’t answer the door at 8 am. If FIL has to wait because he decided to be super early and didn’t feel like waiting at the cafe by himself (rude), then so be it. I’d say talk to DH, but it sounds like he did everything right – FIL was supposed to meet him at the cafe not at the house. At most I think DH should say, hey when I said meet at the cafe I meant it, mornings are hectic when you have two working adults! I don’t think DH is going to be able to do anything about the snide comments. Here’s a script:
Why aren’t you dressed – Your son is in the shower, it’s lucky I was already out so I could greet you!
Why is the house so messy – Looks fine to me, but you could ask your son, cleaning is his job [making money is my job]
It’s nice you can start so late – Actually I started working at 6 am today and I’ll be at work past 7.
Your boss lets you… – Actually I’m the boss (if true).
Anon
Very rude by FIL! Showing up is rude move number one, not being absurdly apologetic for interrupting your morning routine and retreating back to his car was rude move number two. Agggh!
Also agree with Vicky Austin’s advice re addressing the issue more broadly. If you think it’s worth stirring the pot, I think it’s entirely fair for you to ask DH to talk to FIL (and MIL?) about their lack of respect for your career. He should (among many other things) mention that you answer emails early in the morning and stay late on a daily basis. It sounds like that may be something that would resonate with FIL’s life experience.
Anon
Even if she works 2 hours a day that’s her business. I don’t know why anybody should be able to judge her. My cousin is a SAHM and gets judged by the inlaws for not bringing in any income and “living off of her husband,” never mind the three children she’s raising and the home she’s keeping. That goes to show you’ll get judged for anything and everything. I just don’t have enough f’s to give anymore.
anon
^ agree with this.
Not only is your FIL really rude, you DH needs to talk to him, etc.
BUT
you also might find more peace if you cared less what people thought about you– especially people who have vastly different lived experience who have very little understanding of what you actually do. You are doing great and have value whether or not he thinks you do. His rude opinion is irrelevant.
anon
It’s one thing though to not care about what people think about you as long as they keep it to themselves (or at least, like my in-laws, just voice the same attitude to their son when I’m not around). It’s a little different when they are judgy to your face.
Anon
Thanks all. DH just texted me to apologize. He has a complicated relationship with his parents and is trying to mend things with his father without imposing him on me (hence the weird breakfast meeting). His parents are extremely conservative and really don’t understand why I work so much and am not around to make their son dinner every night, not to mention why we still aren’t making babies. They seem to think I don’t enjoy being DH’s wife and am pushing him away on purpose by having a “career” and not doing wifely things. DH kind of shrugs it off as “they are conservative, they don’t understand how things have changed, there’s not much we can do about it” but does actively defend our choices when we are all together – and we also don’t see them that much. I try really hard to be polite around them but most interactions leave me seething (they also say really inappropriate things about race, politics, and life in general). If it’s a family event, I can usually give myself a pep talk beforehand. Dealing with this at 8am on a random Tuesday was just too much.
Anon
Whoa stop right there. Why do you know all of this? Why do their opinions even get this far?
If they express opinions to your husband, he needs to shut it down, FAST. Then he needs to not communicate it with you.
There is nothing “traditional” or “conservative” about a marriage wherein a husband puts his parents’ random opinions about the decision-making between himself and his wife.
anon
You don’t think a spouse deserves to know how the in-laws are talking about them behind their back? Wouldn’t that be the husband keeping the in-laws’ secrets from the wife?
Anon
No – there should not be anything of substance to communicate, because it should have been shut down that fast.
And there does come a point wherein there’s no point in telling your spouse that your parents disapprove. Their opinions need to be kept to themselves.
Anon
Excuse me? How do you suggest she avoid learning all this? Her husband is cutting off his parents (yet anyway), she’s going to learn things.
Anon
I am not advocating for lying. I am advocating for the marital relationship being the most important one, people needing to keep their nasty little opinions to themselves, and this husband understanding that repeating his parents’ negativity to his wife is questionably appropriate.
In this circumstance, the husband is being a conduit for his parents’ nastiness. That’s not appropriate. There is a WIDE gulf between lying and repeating the litany of complaints. Here’s the script: “I had to get off the phone with my parents; they were saying negative things about your job and the choices we’ve made as a couple.” She can ask for specifics.
He has also let this get far out of hand – there is no reason that they should have felt comfortable to continue to comment on their choices as husband and wife. They should have been shaking in their boots after the first round.
Anon
Wow, that’s jerky.
Your husband needs to talk to him and set expectations. He is not to comment on your housekeeping, your job, or your appearance. He is to respect your contributions to the household.
Respecting someone’s spouse is not optional.
Anon
But it’s probably not her ethnic upbringing, since she found it rude and surprising. She gets to feel how she feels about it.
Anon
Huh? What?
Inspired By Hermione
It’s threaded to the wrong place. See a few comments down.
Anon
I’d tell his wrinkly old ass to sit on the couch and to mind his own business. Seriously.
Never too many shoes...
I am outraged about everything except the showing up at your house. My ethnic upbringing ingrained in my the idea that family is family and they can show up whenever (and they all have keys), but they do and should not necessarily expect to be entertained.
Anonymous
9 is when most office jobs start????? Does he know about….offices? I’m so mad on your behalf and I hope your husband will call him out for this behavior. This is so unfair to you, and it should not be your problem to deal with.
Housecounsel
We have the same in-laws. It took me years, but now I just could not care less. I promise it will get better with time if you just live your life in the way that feels right to you.
anon
Just want to add to the chorus: WTF, FIL?! Seriously this is way not cool and you seems to be doing a good job of not losing it and also not being a doormat. Good for you.
ATL rette
I’m planning a long weekend in Boston in June with one of my friends. Where should we stay?? I’ve nevee been to Boston but am tacking on a few days after a work conference a couple hours away.
Additionally, where should we eat and what should we do? We’re both early 30s, I’m into museums and stuff, he’s more into being outside.
SSJD
Museums: MFA, ICA, Isabella Steward Gardner. I like the Mapparium at the Mary Baker Eddy Library. Walk the Freedom Trail and visit USS Constitution. Go to the arboretum (owned by Harvard but located in Boston off the VFW parkway) if you want to walk around among trees. People watch and shop along Newbury Street (though it’s not unique anymore, just has the same stores you see in every major city). Walk through the Public Garden and stroll through Beacon Hill (Charles St. does have some boutiques and unique stores). If you want to head out to the suburbs I recommend deCordova Sculpture Park and Museum as a mix of museum and outdoors (sculpture garden).
Cookbooks
+1 to the Mapparium and deCordova. I also really like the Harvard Natural History Museum.
Outdoorsy, you can kayak on the Charles, which I think is the best way to see the Boston skyline, and Fenway park does tours.
As for food, I like Celeste (Peruvian) in Somerville and Eastern Standard or Island Creek in Boston.
Anon100
+1 to the Mapparium and walking the Freedom Trail!
Also have ice cream at Toscanini’s in Cambridge
IP Attorney
June is a great time to be in Boston! For places to stay, I recommend somewhere in the Copley Square area of Back Bay (either hotel or airBnB; the Fairmont in Copley is beautiful and has a great bar) or the Seaport. Both locations are in really vibrant areas of town and you can easily get to other areas of the city from them both. I used to live in the Seaport so I’m partial to that area, especially during the summer ;)
For things to do, museums are fantastic here – Museum of Fine Art, the Isabella Gardner Museum, the Institute of Contemporary Art, and even the Science Museum are all great spots. For outdoor activities, definitely get some coffee in Back Bay and stroll through the Boston Common and Public Garden. Kayaking on the Charles River is another fav summer activity for us. The Boston Harborwalk is a great way to see the city along the water because you’ll go through a number of neighborhoods of Boston, including the North End, downtown, Seaport, and Southie. Walking along the Freedom Trail is another great option, as it’ll take you through a lot of Boston’s historic neighborhoods. During the summer, the SoWa Market in the South End is a great spot for local vendors of food and arts/crafts and are on Sunday mornings. Finally, we have a number of breweries in the area – Trillium and Harpoon (both in the Seaport) come to mind.
Good luck and have a great time!
CA Mom
Eat at the Salty Girl in Back Bay and get the Lobster Roll — sooo good!
Anonymous
How do you balance going to new places vs. going back to the same favorite vacation spots again and again? I’m not particularly interested in international travel right now aside from a few bucket list things, but I’ve recently become interested in visiting all 50 states. I’m only at 18 so LONG way to go, though I’ve made progress this year. Yet every time I consider a new place, it’s also like — oh but I had so much fun in Nashville, Vegas, NYC (used to live there), I have to go back there too. But then there’s only so much $$ and so much vacation time. I’m thinking maybe 1 trip a year to a new place and 1 trip a year to an old favorite (which often will be NYC because I like visiting where I lived for 10 years). Any better way to do this?
Anon
That sounds like a good balance. Within the US, it should be pretty easy to combine a new place and an old place – eg., you could fly to Nashville if you love that city, spend a few days there and then drive to Louisville Kentucky (~2 hours away) to see a new city and check off a new state. Vegas can be combined with Southern California or the Grand Canyon, AZ etc.
Anonymous
I’m buying a home on 10 mostly wooded acres in the SEUS, after being in smaller suburb lots (1 acre max). Can anyone else with this kind of land comment on useful blogs or publications- I’m already thinking about really “crunchy” plans for adding a bee habitat, big home garden, rain barrels…it could be a big lifestyle change! Advice welcome!
Anon
That sounds awesome and I hope you report back on your progress! I’d check out the classic Mother Earth News to start.
Anon
If you have a decent library system, the local library is a great source of information. Check out books on woodland gardening among other gardening resources. It’ll help you select the right types of plants. Depending on how wooded your lot is, you may need to clear land to have a big garden. I live in a similar area, where a lot of people have wooded lots, and the township has community gardens because the land isn’t really suitable. Drainage is also important, wooded areas tend to retain moisture so you may want to do raised beds. All the leaf mold does help with composting, though!
In-House in Texas
No advice, as much as just a warning. We bought a home on a 5 acre wooded lot, and while we’ve left most of it natural, it’s a lot of maintenance that we didn’t anticipate. We fenced part of it b/c we have dogs, but we’ve had trees/branches fall down during storms (a few of the trees were just dead) that we had to remove and b/c the lot is so wooded, it was hard to do and expensive. My first thought was just to leave them, but you really can’t. We also had a lot of bugs getting into the house and so exterminating has been costly. I’m sure you’ll love it, but be prepared to shell out some cash. Have fun!!
Anonymous
My advice, based on the experience of friends, is to start slowly. Don’t get chickens and bees and goats and plant a garden all at the same time. Also have tons of cash on hand for the inevitable tree removal, tractor repairs, etc. You don’t want to be in the position of having to decide whether to replace your dead car or your dead tractor (actual scenario).
Anonymous
Why can’t you leave fallen trees? Don’t they make great habitat for woodland creatures like squirrels and bunnies?
cbackson
You need the book The Backyard Homestead. It’s perfect for what you’re thinking about.
Anonymous
Definitely reach out to your local ag extension office! If these words are foreign to you now :), you’ll soon make great friends with these folks. Whichever of your state universities is the agricultural school (typically the school with “Tech” or “State” in the name) maintains offices (often in each rural county) that can test your soil, advise on plant diseases, put you in touch with the local beekeepers :), advise on best practices for X, Y, and Z and just be all-round incredibly helpful people. They would be my first stop for sure, especially because they can help you meet people in your community who can really help you get the most out of living in that area. Good luck!
Anonymous
Oh, and there’s a magazine I love: Living the Country Life. It’s published by Meredith (BHG, etc), but they don’t offer subscriptions at this time, so you have to find it on newsstands. It’s published quarterly, and it’s all about moving to the country and starting your own bees/flowers/goats/what have you. http://www.livingthecountrylife.com/
Formerly Lilly
The Foxfire books, specifically The Foxfire Book, Foxfire 2, and Foxfire 3. Also, if there is a gas station or minimarket in the area that offers breakfast foods and has a few tables, go. Go and sit and talk to whoever happens by. Eventually you will meet the old timer natives, and they are likely to be knowledgeably and happy to share their knowledge. They will also know who to hire to fence, who to hire to bush hog, who’s keeping bees in the area, and so on.
CA Mom
All I can say is join your local native plant society and try to plan local! it makes a huge difference.
Anonymous
If a friend is being particularly inefficient/unrealistic in a job search that she talks about ALL THE TIME, would you say anything, or is it a – not your circus – situation?
Friend went to biglaw right out of law school (as did I), did that for 5ish years and then went to a non profit that she worked at pre law school where she’s been now for 10ish years. She never had to interview for the non profit job, I guess she always kept in touch with them and they called her when they were hiring. So the last time she had to look for a job was on campus recruiting 15 years ago which is a very “controlled” process. So fast forward, she has been complaining to me about her job NON STOP for at least 4 years. It’s everything — she runs the place, does all the work, but isn’t the boss, her boss is dumb etc. I do know she works a LOT for what I’m guessing is 100k or lower in pay; I’ve never worked in a non profit before so IDK but to me it also sounds like she brings a lot of it upon herself — making herself available night and day (when no one else does) and then being huffy about it.
So she’s now “starting” to look for a job and this start has been going for like 1-2 years. It consists of reaching out to our biglaw peers and talking to them about what they do now and then feeling like — oh I’ve let them know I’m in the market, they’ll get back to me — when the reality is her 10 years of non profit dealing with criminality issues doesn’t really qualify her to do securities or insurance or other areas they’re in, nor are these peers in hiring capacities at their organizations (though they could tell her about postings but I think some of them are scratching their head as to why she wants to move or if she even wants to because she ends up criticizing every person she meets — i.e. IDK how they stay in that job, I wouldn’t want to do x, y, z; they think I should apply to local gov’t but OMG no way). There’s been NO applying, just general talking and shooting down ideas. I don’t see how this ever works out esp if she’s not looking to stay in non profits but make an actual switch. Do you say anything? If so, what? If not, can I stop hearing about this??
Anonymous
Of course, you say something. Once. She is your friend. Tell her what you would do in her situation.
Anon
Agreed. I don’t understand this idea that we see a friend making a mistake/not understanding something, and just leave it alone. You say something, once, and nicely. Then you drop it. If she continues to bring it up, you can respond as “I’m happy to hope you consider where to look for job positing and review your application materials. But I’m not able to continue to hear complaints about your job.”
Anon
Not your circus, not your monkeys. Some people just like to complain and you’re the ear for that. If you don’t want to hear it, tell her that. If she was serious about moving, she would have applied somewhere.
If she’s looking for real job search advice, give her some objective advice, but you don’t have to be her mental punching bag for her sucky job (she probably actually enjoys being the martyr there).
Anon
The kindest thing someone did for me when I was complaining about my job all the time was to tell me once, very clearly the impact my complaining was having on them. I really had no clue and my family of origin used complaining as our typical method of conversation. I’m so glad I was told—it allowed me to change and preserve friendships.
anon
Haven’t you been posting abou this exact scenario for … awhile now? If you’re this frustrated and annoyed, you have two choices: 1) stop hanging out with this person, or 2) tell her — in whatever way you’d like — that you can’t keep providing emotional support for her job search, particularly if she isn’t actually doing anything. She sounds like a pill, but you’re also putting up with it.
Monday
For anyone interested in the environmental impact of fashion and/or a shopping ban with a sense of accountability, check out Slow Fashion Season! They’re asking people to commit to not buying any new clothes June 21-Sept 21, with a goal of 10,000 participants. I just signed up, and it’s definitely going to be a challenge for me. Link to follow.
Monday
https://www.collaction.org/projects/slow-fashion-season-2019/129/details
Anon
Looking for summer dresses for casual workplace. Ideally something that is wash and wear with no ironing and short (not cap) sleeves.
CPA Lady
I’ve bought several jersey dresses from Talbots the last few years that I’ve liked.
https://www.talbots.com/apparel/dresses/paisley-marled-jersey-dress/P192032411.html?cgid=apparel-dresses&dwvar_P192032411_color=DEEP%20PERIWINKLE&dwvar_P192032411_sizeType=PT#prefn1=sleeveLength&prefv1=Short+Sleeve&start=1
Also, I really like the ponte sheath from Old Navy.
Senior Attorney
I got the Old Navy gingham dress that was featured here a week or two ago and I’ve been very happy with it.
Ribena
I don’t know if the sleeve is too much of a ‘cap’ for you but I love the Boden Amelie dress and just bought it in a second colour.
Beans
I love J McLaughlin’s dresses in the Catalina Cloth material. Once I found my size, I have purchased several used but in great condition off Poshmark. They retail for over $200 but I can often find them for under $50 on used clothing sites. They travel well and I always get compliments on them.
Inspired By Hermione
Lands End’s ponte sheath has a bunch of sleeve lengths and are super comfortable. I wash mine on cold and usually hang dry them (but sometimes dry on delicates) and they’re great. I find a ton of them on Poshmark too, although LE is one of those places that is having a sale of the day ends in Y.
Mortgage Q
Is there any real practical disadvantage to not including my husband as a co-borrower on a mortgage (i.e., I am the sole borrower)? If it matters, we’d title the property in our trust, and we are co-trustees.
anon
A couple things come to mind, but they are probably both pretty minor– the first is the hassle of you being the only person able to talk to the bank if there are any questions or issues. There may be a work-around if you give them permission to talk to him. The other is credit score related– if you both already have good credit this is a moot point, but if he’s building his credit, he will miss out on the benefit of the on time payments you’ll be making.
Anon
I have no expertise, but I wouldn’t want to own property with someone who gets all the benefit of ownership without the burden of the loan in case things turned sideways. Would only your credit get screwed if he stops contributing? Would he get a disproportionate share of the post-mortgage proceeds in a sale if you were divorced? If the house is underwater, would his interests align with yours? Also, if you die, would he have to get a new mortgage ASAP or be forced to sell the house?
Anon
+1, not a lawyer but it seems unfair to me that he gets the benefits of ownership without the burden of the debt.
Anonymous
Not that I know of, except the points above- DH is on the deed and it has been a pain for him sometimes to talk to the lender, but with most of that online it hasn’t been much of a hassle.
Explorette
Agree with the above, and to add to it, the bank will probably make you jump through more hoops to exclude your husband than to include him. Real property has some uniqueness to it with divorce and probate laws, that banks are very uncomfortable doing a loan in only one spouse’s name. I’m assuming your trust is revocable.
Mortgage Q
Huh, interesting. Both lenders I worked with actually initially suggested it would be better to just include me because it would be easier to qualify for the loan I want, but we were the ones who felt uncomfortable with that – I don’t think we had a good reason. Regardless, I am willing to jump through lots of hoops because it looks like it will save us a lot of money over time. If it doesn’t work out, I guess we could go back to including him on the loan and taking a loan on what are likely going to be less favorable terms.
Anonymous
I posted above- our bank completely didn’t care. No kids; we have a will that specifies the house goes to him, and his name is on the deed.
Mortgage Q
Thanks for the comments and anecdotal experience. I assumed I would be the one who had to communicate with the lender, so I am OK with that inconvenience. If I die he would want to move anyways, so he would move out and sell etc regardless (we sadly talked about it). Not worried re credit – we both have scores approaching 850.
From a logistics standpoint, we weren’t planning on using any of his income to cover the mortgage anyways – a bit more than half of either of our take home covers the mortgage/HOA/property tax/insurance, so I was going to be “in charge” of paying all that stuff. Our purchase isn’t anywhere near a stretch. He has other stuff he is doing with his income that we planned out together.
Anonymous
My ex-h and I did this all the time. No disadvantage and no legal requirement (in the states we lived in) that the other person be on the mortgage. It was helpful to have one person’s credit “free” to purchase a new car, vacation house, etc.
Anonymous
Someone in my office is playing a banjo. This place is officially insane.
CA Mom
Love it.
KayKay
“Flattering on just about everyone” except the particularly busty, who will be spilling out of it. Not all it’s cracked up to be!