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Not going to Alaska
Hi all – just wanted to say thank you for the support and affirmation that I’m not being unreasonable about the multiple requested visits to Alaska in the winter. We have compromised on visiting the weekend following a Q1 milestone birthday, which in the tradition of great compromises everywhere means that everyone is unhappy about it. Sigh.
Anon
If they wanted to visit more then they shouldn’t have moved to Alaska. The end.
Cb
This is what I say about my in-laws who moved from England to the Sunshine Coast in BC.
Notinstafamous
Well Cb I have a cottage on the Sunshine Coast so if you do ever go visit your in laws let me know and I’ll buy you a drink :)
Cb
Aww, that’d be lovely. I’m sending my husband as tribute because they definitely don’t want a 5-year-old, even a very chill one, in their space.
No Face
Exactly! I would not travel that distance every year, let alone multiple times a year.
anon
And imagine travel to Alaska is NOT cheap!
Anon
Flights to Anchorage are actually pretty affordable. But I don’t know about flights to smaller cities and car rentals are INSANELY expensive in Alaska. We paid almost $1k for a weeklong car rental a decade ago. I’ve never even paid that much in Hawaii.
anon
Please tell my sister, who is in remote Australia, this.
Anononon
My in-laws moved from 25 minutes away to 2.5 hours away and we now barely see them! Even at that distance, we’ve told them they made their bed and now have to lie in it. If they were in Alaska they’d see us on zoom or not at all.
Anon
Yes, obviously, but this doesn’t help with the familial relationships part of this problem.
Anon
i’ve been curious since your original post – why did they move to Alaska to begin with?
Anon
She said they had lived there in the past and wanted to go back I think.
OP
They just really love it up there. Lived there 10 years and when I was a toddler we moved south for their work. I thought it was nostalgia for pre-kids life when they went back originally tbh, but they do seem really happy with the nature and the people and the pace of life.
The issue is really the insistence that we visit them – I’ve offered a flight whenever they want to come visit us and we have a separate suite above the garage for them, but it only “counts” as a visit if it’s us going there for the specific requested dates.
Anon
It sounds like you’re starting to set boundaries which is good. Don’t even let it become a debate or argument. You are available to visit X dates. That’s it. They can manage their own sore feelings about it.
Anon
The person who moves away is the person who does the traveling to visit. Everyone knows this except, apparently, your parents and my sister, who gets bent out of shape that her 20+ family members (parents, siblings, niblings) in our native California don’t fly across the country to visit her in her new chosen state as often as she flies back home to visit us. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
In the case of my sister, there’s no talking her out of being offended, but there’s also no buying of 20 airline tickets for us all to go visit her, so it’s just a long standing pattern now.
Anon
I think this depends on your family culture. In both DH’s family and mine it’s expected that kids will move far away for college, so no one blames anyone for leaving or thinks a kid who moved away has to do 100% of the visiting.
Our families also have a culture that parents with little kids get visited more often than they have to visit, which I think is pretty common? Most of my friends moved away from their hometowns for college and didn’t go back, but their parents do most of the visiting because my generation mostly has kids under 5 and the older generation is mostly semi-retired with more flexible schedules.
Anon
I think it also depends on why someone moved. DH is a professor, so we live where he has tenure.
Anon
Agreed (also an academic spouse) and I think it also depends on how concentrated the family is in the hometown. My close friends from college and grad school and I mostly don’t have a “home base” – our parents live in the towns where we went to high school for the most part, but our siblings don’t live there, and our parents’ siblings and parents’ parents when they were alive didn’t live there, because literally everyone moved for college or jobs at some point. So who “moved” and bears the burden of visiting? It’s all kind of murky because everyone has moved so much and there’s no one city (or in many cases, region of the country) where more than one household lives. Between my husband and me, we have family in at least a dozen states spread all across the country.
On the other hand, I went to high school in a rural part of the Midwest where virtually everyone has all their siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents in the same zip code, and obviously if you’re in a situation like that and choose to move away, it makes sense that you’re seen as ‘the one who left’ and expected to do most of the visiting.
Anon
If that works for you with no resentment, fine. But it’s the entitlement that’s the issue – you move away, you have to expect people aren’t going to travel to visit you all the time.
Former Southener
This! I was always the one who traveled across the country to visit my family (not an easy trek considering they live 3 hours from the nearest major airport). And I was happy to do it because my grandmother was elderly and unable to travel and my younger siblings and demanding jobs made it hard for my parents.
Then I had my own demanding job and young child, my grandmother passed away, my siblings finished school, my dad changed jobs and had a lot more flexibility and we had to have the conversation where I told them the days when it was easier for me to visit them than for them to visit me were over. I still go once a year to see the extended family. If they want to see me more often, they need to get on a plane.
Anon
I saw the conversation last week too late to post, but – my parents moved to another state an 8 hour drive/1 hour plane ride from me, and I have also had to draw boundaries about their expectations about visits – and my parents aren’t nearly as far away from me as yours are from you! My parents lived 45 minutes from us before they moved, and we shared a lot of holidays and life events together. They somehow expected that would continue when they moved away, and also that I would drop whatever I was doing if they needed help with medical appointments or minor surgeries. I finally had to just say, look – you guys are retired, and you chose to move. Visiting a couple of times a year might be doable for us, but expecting us to travel for every birthday, holiday, minor surgery, etc. is unreasonable. My husband and I work full-time and my son is a teenager with a full class load, two extracurriculars and a job. I have to put the health and welfare of my immediate family first, and if my parents can’t deal with that, I look at it as their problem, not mine. I love them but the level of entitlement they felt to my time/effort was surprising to me; I would never, ever feel that way about my own son or express to him that he basically owes me for raising him. So don’t feel bad about what you’re doing and how you feel about. Everyone makes choices in this life, and everyone has to live with the consequences of those choices.
Anon
If your parents are registered to vote in Alaska, please tell them not to vote for Dunleavy in November or it’s not going to be a state they’ll want to get any older in!
anon
Are chambray shirts still a thing? I cant find one in the usual spots, which makes me think they are no longer current. They were big a few years ago, but I think they are pretty classic. Anyway, any leads? I am hoping for something a little on the edgy side, less lands end.
Anon
I think jcrew has a couple
Vicky Austin
J. Crew Factory definitely does too.
MagicUnicorn
I agree that chambray isn’t really a fad item when it comes to wearing it, and also agree that I do not recall running across one in current offerings anywhere lately. Consignment stores or Poshmark are great for finding this sort of thing.
Anon
Sezane always seems to have one. And there is always Posh.
Anon
https://www.nordstrom.com/sr/womens-chambray-shirt
Anon
Talbots has a few options, but they call them denim instead of chambray.
Anon
Just don’t wear them with skinny pants, a cardigan, and a J. Crew bubble necklace :)
Anonymous
I know you’re joking, but that is maybe my favorite look ever.
OP
I also loved my outfits circa 2010!
Anonymous
+1… I miss 2008-2012 professional fashion.
Senior Attorney
And tall boots! I loved that look!
pugsnbourbon
I’m wearing a light-wash denim shirt over a tank with skinny jeans today, but thankfully no bubble necklace :)
Anonymous
I miss the bubble necklace. I never got one because it was too pricey for me at the time. I can’t wait until that trend comes back! I still look longingly at the multilayered rainbow Kate spade necklace I got on super sale and used to wear at least twice a week. Sigh.
Anon
My favourite was a multilayered pearl necklace I wore over the chambray shirt collar. Good times!
Senior Attorney
I still have the “pile of pearls” necklace from J Crew from back in the day.
Anon
That’s the one I had, SA! I feel like pearls are so classic you could still get away with wearing it.
Grace
I love chambray. I think it’s still fine to wear. I just wore a chambray dress to work this week and got several compliments. Agree on J.Crew and my dress was from Lands End so maybe there too.
Anon
JCrew, Frank and Eileen, Ann Mashburn, Sezane. It’s a classic.
Anonymous
I think of them as something for spring or summer. I think you’re just looking during the wrong time of year.
Anonymous
+1
I agree, you’re just off-season.
Curious
I love mine from Universal Standard.
Anon
Just got a promo email from Loft this morning featuring a chambray shirt.
Anon
What do you think about the cuff / sleeve lengths on this shirt? I have tried it IRL and feel that I wanted them to be longer. But maybe this will keep them from dragging through my chicken tikka at lunch and they stay white? It is a beautiful shirt. This is my only hesitation.
Cat
looks like normal length to me, cuffs always scooch up the arm a bit when you fold your arm so tightly? Looks designed to be worn as modeled.
Anon
Look for tall sizes. Sometimes J Crew or BR have tall shirts like that. They’re always styled with the sleeves pushed up like that on models because those shirts aren’t cut for the tall and skinny.
Anon
Now that I have had COVID and a couple of turns playing amateur epidemiologist (kid 1 comes home from school with it: no family spread; 5 months later, kid 2 comes home from it and takes out everyone (but sequentially, a week at a time it seems, but kid 1 but it takes at least 5 negative tests a person for that person to test +, which is concerning as a safety precaution when visiting people)), I was wondering if there is a good place to find legit updated general-audience info on COVID in 2022. Like the Erin Brommage thingie was IMO totally helpful in helping me plan a life outside in 2020 and judge relative risks, what is there in 2020? It just seems to be a different disease than the one in 2020 where there were stories of people catching it merely from being in an elevator used to someone who had COVID, the Washington choir, etc. Like our family COVID experience was generally in line with youth vs age (with age being a proxy for everything), but I’m sure there are still outliers.
I’m planning to get my flu shot next week but hold off on the COVID booster until closer to Christmas now that I’ve gotten antibodies through infection.
Anon
In 2020 people literally had no immunity: there were no vaccines, and no prior community spread where people might have had antibodies due to subclinical infections. You are comparing apples and oranges.
Anon
What is odd to me is that kids have 1000s of glancing contacts with strangers every day in school (big urban schools), sort of like grocery store and fast food restaurant workers. It’s not surprising to me that they eventually catch it. What is surprising to me is how random household spread is, especially when you throw a known sick person into a situation where you have sustained close contact with them (especially since it seems to take a while to incubate enough to infect others or totally miss infecting them).
It has gotten me to think that maybe I want to age in a 1-story low-maintenance “patio-home” type place if possible (vs hermit living in the woods where you can’t easily get groceries delivered and vs anything not giving me one door to the outside or at least a balcony for fresh air).
Anon
Do you plan to spend the rest of your life quarantining?
Anon
I feel that my options are to take precautions for the foreseeable future while feeling all right, or keep getting the virus over and over until I accumulate too much damage to risk catching it again, and then spend the rest of my life quarantining while feeling like garbage.
So my plan is to take precautions until breakthrough infections are safer than they are now.
Anon
I mean a balcony sounds like a nice idea in general, but planning your retirement based on your anecdotal observations seems premature.
Cb
Yeah, my dad tested positive in April when we were all staying together. He did kid bedtime so he was face to face with my unvaccinated child and none of us got sick (and I’m immunocompromised). My husband got the flu last week and was down for the count, and we were all fine, kid and I maybe had sniffles. Meanwhile, the worst illness I’ve had in my life, I got from 20 minutes sitting opposite a hacking lady on the bus. Exposed on Tuesday, hacking by Thursday, and sick for a full 6 weeks (in retrospect, I should have gone to the doctor…)
Anon
I was a hacking lady on a bus recently (my own ENT issues, but once a throat tickle gets hold of you it doesn’t let go). I was in a mask, but had no water or cough drop on me and I thought that the daggers were going to come out for me before I got to my stop.
Cb
Ugh, that’s the worst feeling in the world. This woman was with her kids, all hacking, and was slumped over. There was no way she could make it through the day. She was a bus regular and I felt so bad that she had to schlep her kids into town (for their very posh private school) and was clearly unwell.
Anne-on
I am totally on board with selling our 2-story colonial as we age and moving either a garden apartment with a private entrace/exit or a ranch home that was rennovated to have wider doorways/single floor/age in place options. My great-uncle had a lovely town home in Georgia that was built for this – ‘retirement’ community with age in place options. It had his master on the main level but there was a second bedroom and a small study upstairs for caregivers/guests. He was able to comfortably stay there with an in-home health aide till he passed and it was a night and day difference in his happiness and comfort vs. other family members who ignored/refused to address aging and mobility issues.
Seventh Sister
My 80yo in-laws insist on staying in a home that is relatively remote, two-story, and while they *think* they’ve solved all mobility issues by adding a small tube-like elevator, they had to install it in the only bedroom on the first floor. They have also made several renovations that make me worry about fire risk (e.g., a not-very-well-vented oven, an unventilated “studio room” for my metalworking MIL). In contrast, my parents (who are a bit younger) are building an ADU in my sister’s backyard with the idea that they will move in full-time in the next few years. I’m resigned to the fact that my in-laws are going to have a crisis/disaster that will land them in a nursing home (which is what they are desperate to prevent).
Anonymous
I mean or you can just not be unhinged and simply go outside from an apartment like nearly everyone did except a few
Very loud very anxious people.
Anon
Nothing seems unhinged except your angry response, in my opinion.
Anon
Agree with 10:39.
Anon
Why are you mad at people sitting in their apartments?
Anon
Yes, you are mean.
Totally uncalled for.
Anon
I’m a scientist, but not an epidemiologist. A lot of the randomness seems to come from variability in how much virus people shed and over what time. Most people only have a lot of virus in their nose and upper airways for a day or two, but some have a lot more than others and spread it a lot more than others (possibly related to how they breathe or speak?). So lots of people will barely spread the virus to anyone because they don’t shed much virus or aren’t around many people at the time that they’re super contagious, but other people will be superspreaders that happen to spew massive amount of virus and/or happen to be in poorly ventilated spaces with a lot people when they’re really contagious… the catch is that you have no idea who is who and someone who didn’t spread it much the first time could be affected differently the next time. Also, as everyone has pointed out, it is a different disease than in 2020, because virtually everyone has some immunity now.
Anon
This completely lines up with my anecdotal experience.
Kid caught it at camp just before we went on vacation (we obviously figured this out only after). We were on an outing that kid thought was boring, and kid was super whiny then fell asleep for an hour (kid hasn’t napped in 2 years), and when they woke up, had a runny nose so I got a napkin and helped them blow it. Kid was then entirely fine. Two days later, I started to feel sick, tested and got a faint positive, and kid got a neon positive. I ended up being really sick (we left right after getting the positive tests). Kid’s other parent, the parents of the other family we were sharing a house with, and the other kid who was *sleeping in the same bed as my kid* (their choice, there was another bed in the room) — nothing. If I had made my kid blow their own nose or had washed my hands immediately and thoroughly after doing it, I’m pretty sure I would have avoided it too (and never found out that kid had it either).
Anon
I thought I was one of those rumored people that was just never going to get it (kids have had it, I’ve been exposed at work, etc., etc.). My theory had been that the sinus rinsing my ENT has had me doing for years was what pre-empted the gunk, plus just being alive long enough to have had most everything but not alive so long that I’m fragile / old / declining. Turns out, on this latest round of kids getting it at school, it just took me over 10 days to finally turn + (and I was WFH during that time with the kids, so not getting it through other means). I guess it’s good that it took this long to get my case of it, but it finally happened.
Anon
I spent 2020 and 2021 completely avoiding, without apology, the unvaccinated loud people in my office. I figured they had a greater chance of picking up the virus and a greater chance of spewing it out.
Anon In-House Empt Lawyer
I think we’re in a totally different risk scenario now. I still follow Your Local Epidemiologist for updates and science translated for non-scientists.
My take is the most important thing you can do to prevent really bad outcomes is to get everyone in your household vaccinated and boosted. Beyond that, I’m not really changing how I live my life other than very low hanging fruit (e.g., I’ll wear a mask on a plane or at a concert (basically in densely packed enclosed spaces), but not really doing so when grocery shopping). I test if I have symptoms, and if I’m symptomatic but negative I’m cautious about exposing other people. If you’re otherwise healthy and not at risk due to age, COVID is now much more likely to be an inconvenience on par with the flu (yes it is unpleasant, yes it means your plans are on hold for a week, no you probably won’t be hospitalized, while long covid is a distinct possibility anecdotally it doesn’t seem to happening to most otherwise healthy ppl I know).
Your Local Epidemiologist had a good “when should I get the bivalent booster?” piece in the last few weeks, and her recommendation was 2-3 months after your last shot or infection for higher risk/higher exposure people, and up to six months after last infection/shot for lower risk/lower exposure people. I do know of someone who got reinfected in a matter of weeks with Omicron (with confirmed negatives in between and no Pavloxid) but the consensus seems to be that most people have a couple months of protection after an infection.
Anon
To answer your question, Your Local Epidemiologist has a substack newsletter that still updates fairly frequently and is aimed at a general audience.
Cb
Any advise on stopping a panic spiral? I haven’t had a really bad one since I was in a very bad old job but I was misinformed and messed up something and am going to need help to mitigate the damage. I could not sleep/was short of breath last night and still feel on edge today. I’ve sent the email “fessing up” but last night all my body scan, book reading etc didn’t help. I did alternative nostril breathing today and that helped a little bit but I’m still wired.
I’m in the UK so a few anti-anxiety tablets in the medicine cabinet is not a thing here.
Anne-on
I’ve found hard exercise to help as well as journaling or talking out loud (to myself) about my thoughts – ‘I’m feeling really anxious about X, because of Y, if this was a friend I’d remind them they are awesome because of X/Y/Z and I deserve to be that nice to myself’. Brown noise works really well for my brain if I need to buckle down and focus on something that I’ve been avoiding/feeling nervous about.
Good luck – you got this!
Anon
I get these sometimes. I find it really helpful to talk myself through each worst case scenario and what could happen. It makes me feel better to logically think it out.
Go for it
Do you have access to Rescue Remedy homeopathic drops? I do also recommend a session of Havening.
Both have worked well for me to ameliorate the impact of a spiral.
Anon
+1 to water, but just get it from the tap.
anon
Sorry you’re dealing with it — honestly I’d say just do as little as possible (basically do no harm but get nothing done) and wait for it to pass even if that takes days. Also hydrate a lot. At least 20 ounces over your regular daily intake of water.
Curious
+1 to water.
Anonymous
Water therapy either in the form or swimming or an epsom salt bath
Yoga
Hard exercise – like a hard run or a spin class
Forest bathing – go for a walk in nature
Anon
Avoid caffeine — when I feel this way, caffeine makes me spiral harder.
Curious
I need to talk to people and get it out, preferably ending in a good cry. You did a good thing just by coming here. It’s the start of term and things are just nutty, and it’s so easy to get more anxious when your body is already processing change. We are here for you. Keep us posted?
Curious
Oh and you’re also trying to write on a 50% higher teaching load, aren’t you?!
pugsnbourbon
+1, hang in there. Panic spirals are awful. You’re already ahead of the game by acknowledging the issue. Everyone screws up and needs help sometimes – including the people you’re asking for help!
Cb
Thanks! I just feel ashamed but also frustrated b/c I’m not being set up for success here.
Ugh, rubbish! I sent people on study abroad who maybe shouldn’t have gone b/c they needed to be on campus for a required course. But the admin who was supposed to support me told me when I first started that she was “no longer allowed to assist…” and no one told me and it had been ages since anyone had gone out b/c of the pandemic.
Why the academic needs to process nominations which is a wholly administrative task is another bone of contention….
I leave for Montreal on Saturday so already feel stressed and my kid is showing some “mummy just came back and is leaving again…” sadness. I’m going to guilt buy him a very good present.
Anonymous Canadian
I’m zero use on the academic thing but 1. If your admin is “no longer allowed to assist you” then you’re doing the best you can and the higher-ups will get over it. 2. It’s good for kids to know that mummies have important jobs too. He will be totally fine, I PROMISE you. Hang in there, mama.
Curious
You know, this sounds completely miserable and completely logical. How could you have known that?!
Clementine
Ack, right there with you.
Missed something on a review Tuesday so decided to take more time with approvals. This morning got a slap on the wrist because I was ‘sitting on things’…
Can’t win over here.
Ses
I always write it all down. Even writing down how it happened, what the worst outcome is, how I fear it makes me look. Possible rants at whoever else may have contributed to the problem. Just whatever scenarios your brain is running, write those down.
There’s a mental trick where the brain thinks that if you’ve written or talked about something, you’ve resolved it, and this is what I’m hijacking to get my evening anxiety brain to let go for the night.
Also helps to write your to-dos at end of day to regularly unplug from work stress.
Ses
This article is related to the mental trick and why it works, although it’s on the “positive” side. I believe it functions for the same reason – a sense of “completeness” https://www.inc.com/melissa-chu/announcing-your-goals-makes-you-less-likely-to-ach.html
test run
+1 when I get in a panic spiral, I just write down literally anything that comes to my brain, even the things that I think are cruel/petty/embarrassing/etc. It’s not a quick fix, but it helps move things along.
Anon
I don’t have any good advice but commiseration. This happens to be too and it is the worst. I don’t know if it really helps, but for me, retail therapy, a nice meal and a bath are things that I do. Sending you good vibes!!
roxie
in the moment I heard that eating a lemon helps – something about the taste interrupting other physical responses!
Anon
I’m in the US and would also love to have a few Xanax to use as needed in emergencies, but I feel like that’s only a rich housewives thing.
Anon
Maybe it is? I have white coat syndrome, and I have to fend off Xanax from doctors. They don’t always get that I’m primarily anxious because I’m in a doctor’s office!
I have kept them around and used them at random times (like waking up from a bad dream and feeling totally wound up).
I learned that over-the-counter GABA supplements work a lot like Xanax for me (don’t care if it’s placebo effect), so now I just keep those around instead.
anon
Have you asked your PCP?
Anonymous
In the immediate, cn you get your hands on some OTC antihistamines? They calm the nervous system. But the trick is they can also make you very sleepy,.
Hootster
Do some strenuous aerobic exercise! I read Burnout by the Nagoski sisters, and they had a bunch of recommendations to “close the stress loop”. I’m probably butchering everything, but their book had a bunch of strategies to escape exactly the cycle you describe.
Anonymous
In this vein, check out the Nitric Oxide Dump. it is 3-5 minutes and can be done anywhere.
Curious
That book was great for that.
Celia
4 things that help me:
Walk in nature; preferably hills to wear you out
Long talk – phone or in person – with a good friend with whom you can be honest and who can help with perspective
POOL – something about being submerged in water clears the head
OTC sleeping pill. You need a good nights sleep for your body and might need a little help shutting off your brain. I like Unisom or Tylenol PM.
Irritable
Hi! Has anyone successfully become less irritable or found good ways to manage the feeling in the moment? I’m an introvert with depression and I’m in therapy and have medication, but things like people being late, aggressive drivers and crowds get me annoyed more frequently than I would like. I do things to avoid the wearing down of my social battery, but I think I need more “active” tactics too. If you have become more peaceful or more stoic, how?
Anne-on
An approach (that never occured to me on my own, thank you therapy!) is that avoiding things that drain your battery is only half of the work. You also need to identify ways you can recharge your battery – even when you’re outside of your home. I (and many parents) do this for our kids but it never occured to me to do it for myself – if my kid is tantruming/overwhelmed I’ll remove him from the situation but I’ll also help him regulate/feel better. You should definitely explore what helps you, but a few ideas are – wearing headphones if I have to run errands in a crowded store, making sure that if people are late I have something I enjoy to do while I’m waiting (a book to read, a podcast, 5 minute text or call with another friend), listening to good music/podcast while driving or allowing myself 5 minutes in the car to decompress after I arrive.
nuqotw
+1. These are all good ideas. Grown ups are “supposed” to be able to shake off irritation but that’s neither true nor helpful. It’s completely reasonable and healthy to find little times and ways to recharge.
Irritable
Thanks for the reply – I’ve never considered headphones in crowds but it may be a game changer for me. You also made me realize that part of why I get extra annoyed at lateness is I planned well to manage things that could get me frazzled before I arrive e.g. city traffic. Will think more about how I address that.
Anon
Cardio helps me a lot.
Anonymous
+1 Anything that burns off stress is helpful.
roxie
I think this is exactly what a regular meditation practice is supposed to help? And a related mantra you can repeat in the moment?
Anon
Agreed, meditation practice helps me a lot over all.
I also wear something like a bracelet or a ring to touch to bring me back to a happier place.
Curious
My therapist recommended mini-vacations throughout the day — two or three minutes of mindful walking (really feel your feet on the ground), sipping tea and looking out a window, etc. That and the right antidepressant helped :)
Grace
Small vent. I just got passed up for an work opportunity that I was well qualified for and really would have liked (would have involved travel to conference, which isn’t an opportunity I get often). Worse, the project went to someone I work closely with (and really like). Any tips for how to let this disappoint go and not rain on my coworker’s parade? Part of my frustration is that I don’t feel like I’m getting any opportunities at my company despite good performance, while others get many. So I’m starting to get extra disappointed when I lose out on something.
Anon
If this happens often, you should figure out why. Get some feedback and see if it’s repairable. You may need to leave to reset your reputation, and it’s good to understand what’s putting a number of people off so you don’t replicate the issue.
pugsnbourbon
I’m sorry, that really stings. If you have a good relationship to your boss, talk to them. Otherwise, try a trusted colleague.
Just off the top of my head – are you maybe not promoting yourself enough?
No Face
Ah, that stinks. The most useful tip is people outside your workplace to vent to. My collection of lady lawyer friends is essential! We can rant and rave to each other because we don’t work together. Then I can be a gracious team player in the office.
Moving forward, identify the opportunities you want and then start actively campaigning for them ahead of time. I identified a conference I wanted to attend, came up with a list of reasons why it benefited the firm for me to go, and then asked my boss directly. I currently want to do more of X, so my nonbillable goal next week is to tell a bunch of people that I want to do more of X. Don’t wait for someone to provide you with the opportunities you want.
Anon
Let yourself feel your feelings! Don’t try to life hack your way through that immediately.
Grace
Thanks, everyone. Yeah, I think self-promotion and being known to the right people is my problem here. I have a decent network at the company but it doesn’t always include the people deciding who gets the opportunities I want. So I need to get myself out there with this particular group of decision-makers.
Anon
Honestly, don’t you feel better just by identifying a likely reason for why you get passed over and a way to fix that?
Anon
I have friends with kids staying the weekend. Any kid friendly recipes anyone has to share? Looking for breakfast/lunch/dinner so anything is helpful, really!
Anon
Like how old are the kids? Unless they are wee tiny children, I just have what we’re having (muffins-french toast – pancakes for breakfast, some sort of quick lunch). Snacks are good b/c no one likes to get hangry (animal crackers, goldfish, potato chips are pretty handy and not likely to anger stomachs). Bananas. Grilled cheese is always an option if they are not into the adult food.
Marketiere
Yes – you need snacks. Kids get hangry easy. Grab a bag of mandarin oranges too among the things listed above. Also – pick up some cheap plastic cups if you don’t already have them on hand.
Anon
Ask the parents what the kids want because it can really vary. If they’re good guests they might bring their own kid food.
Anon
What are the ages? Spaghetti and tacos are almost always a hit with my toddler and older elementary nieces. They can personalize it for whatever weird taste they have at the time.
Anon
how old are the kids? i’d just ask the parents what they like to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. some kids are very picky and not saying you need to specifically cater to their tastes, but might be nice to have pb&j or grilled cheese or whatever as a back up.
Anon
This is really kind of you, but as someone with kids I will say that if I’m staying over at a friend’s house I have zero expectations she will make kid friendly foods. Kids are so unpredictable… That said, pasta (simple meat sauce), pizza, frozen chicken nuggets, fries, and carb heavy foods are generally a hit.
Having snacks (apple sauce pouches, cheese sticks, Annie’s goldfish, fresh fruit, yogurt pouches, etc) would be more than enough and very much welcomed.
Anonymous
Taco bar works well with guests of any sort. Sandwich bar for lunch?
My kids eat pretty much everything we eat just cut small when they were little or with a lower spice option. Like mild salsa instead of spicy.
Anonymous
Spaghetti and taco night usually are big hits with kids. Agree that snacks with kids are probably more important than meals because kids can usually pick around almost any meal, but they tend to want actual snacks twice a day and aren’t always as likely to want a piece of fruit or something like an adult. Goldfish crackers are a pretty universal hit.
Anne-on
Are you making every meal? I’d think it would easiest on you (and nice of the family) to do delivery or take out for at least one meal so you have a break from cooking/cleaning up 3 meals a day.
I’d check with the parents on any kid food preferences but in general, ‘make your own’ options are typically easiest. Breakfast – fruit (most kids I know like bananas and berries best) and ‘main’ carb – muffins, bagels and spreads, croissants (the trader joes ones are cheap and good!) are probably easiest, add in protein if you so desire but we often skip meat for breakfast. Lunch – sandwiches (leftover bagels!), wraps, frozen pizza – make it easy on yourself essentially. Dinner – taco night, grill (chicken legs, burgers, hot dogs) or sheetpan dinner of some sort – raw veggies for kids, roasted veggies or salad for adults, marinated roasted meat (chicken, salmon, pork loin) and bread or rice (the trader joes half baked baguettes are a staple in our house for dinners).
Anokha
+1 for taco night, which we do weekly at our house. Two kids with different palates, and I think they appreciate being able to make their own plates.
pugsnbourbon
These are great ideas. I’d also grab a bag of dino chicken nuggets, just in case.
Anne-on
+1 to the nuggets. My husband and I did (and do) sometimes feed our kid nuggets/frozen pizza/breakfast for dinner and then order in ‘adult’ food for an at-home date. We did this last night and then took a walk together afterwards, it was so nice! If you want some adult catch up time maybe feed the kids at 5:30, throw on a movie afterwards, and then have a leisurely adult dinner?
Anon
I, an adult age 34, regularly eat those dino chicken nuggets myself. I don’t even have kids.
Anon
As a counterpoint, we hate Dino chicken nuggets. I would definitely just ask.
anon
Ask the parents, esp if you don’t have kids of your own. It’s great you’re being thoughtful but kids are so picky. I’d say taco bar, but then my 4 year old has absolutely backlisted tacos for the foreseeable future. My 4 year old niece is on a pizza strike, of all things, right now, too.
anon
I’d ask the parents if there’s anything she’d like you to have on hand for the kids. Kids can be really picky, but weirdly and unpredictably so. Right now, mine won’t eat chicken nuggets, even though he used to like them. He doesn’t like cheese by itself but will eat pizza and mac n’ cheese. He is convinced he hates tacos but will generally eat some of the components with bread instead of a tortilla. Most nights, he eats some of what we eat, maybe supplemented with whole wheat bread, fruit, raw carrots, or leftover lunch.
Anon
Your best bet is to ask the parents because it can really vary. I know several kids including my own who are extremely picky but won’t eat traditional kid foods like grilled cheese and chicken nuggets.
No Face
It’s so kid-dependent! I always ask friends if they have anything they want to me pick up for the kids. I make whatever meals I would normally make. The kids can eat the main meal, or their backup food.
NYCer
This is what I would recommend as well.
Anon
Whatever you serve make sure the components are separate. That way fussy kid eaters can find something to eat. So, no lasagna. Yes to pasta with the sauce in a separate serving bowl. No to enchiladas. Yes to taco night with each filling item in its own bowl. Even the fussiest kid eater will find something to eat this way.
If anything involves cheese, a mild cheese like American or Munster or mozzarella is the way to go.
Anon
Make your own Vietnamese rice paper spring rolls! Kids have an blast making them and putting in what they like to eat. Fillings included pork, prawn, smoked tofu, mushrooms, vermicelli noodles, bean sprouts, cucumber, julienned carrots, avocado…list is endless!
Anon
Bonus of these is that are the dairy free and gluten free, and can easily be vegetarian. I don’t eat dairy, gluten or nightshades.
Anon
Disagree. That’s a carb fest and while the kids might like it, it often leads to sugar highs and crashes. We do a lot of yogurt, cheese, organic chicken nuggets or precooked chicken, beef hot dogs, etc or our kid. He adores carbs, so there’s definitely a fair amount of those, but we steer him towards fig bars that are made with oatmeal and whole grains, whole grain toast with PB, bananas, grape tomatoes, sweet potatoes.
Now, maybe other people’s kids can happily subsist on carbs… it did not work for me and doesn’t work for my kid.
Anon
Nesting fail – that was in response to Anon at 9:46 am above.
Anon
The carb police have arrived!
Anon
Nutritionally little kids are supposed to eat a lot of carbs. Toddler recommended protein intake is surprisingly really low.
Anon
A grilled cheese isn’t a carb. It has a hella lot of delicious fat and a bit of protein in it. And depending on hot much eggs, butter, and milk go into your French toast, same there. Muffins have a ton of fat. IMHO fat is where the flavor is. Add some bacon if you must.
Anon
Carbs aren’t evil.
Anon
That’s a completely normal diet for a kid and you’re being weird.
Anon
Jenny from Solid Starts is that you!?
Anon
Lol
Anon
Lol
Anon
Unless there is something medically wrong, people are supposed to be able to subsist on carbs without sugar highs or lows!
This comment doesn’t really make sense because oatmeal and whole grains, bananas, and figs are all really concentrated sources of carbohydrate.
Anon
My husband has zero understanding of this. He thinks that oatmeal is junk b/c it is a carb and, um, IDK where to even start with this line of thinking. Oatmeal is not the same as a fist full of smarties.
Grace
My family think potatoes are the devil. Like they will refuse to make any recipes with potatoes. Potatoes are fine
Anon
Potatoes are a nightshade and some of us with autoimmune disease so much better if we avoid nightshades. Sorry potatoes, I miss you.
Anon
Oatmeal has the same effect on my blood glucose as a fist full of smarties. But again, I’m actually testing with a glucometer. If your husband has normal blood glucose control, then I don’t know why he cares. If he is prediabetic, he may just be right?
Anon
….most of those things you listed have carbs. I think you mean bread products? And no, there’s nothing wrong with a kid eating lots of bread.
Anon
Hey, you guys, maybe OP’s kid is a toddler weight lifter or something!
pugsnbourbon
I know you’re joking but I saw some reality show about kids’ bodybuilding – it was on TLC. It was even worse than Toddlers and Tiaras, if you can believe it.
Anon
Wow, 14 nasty comments in response to someone who suggested that kids eat pancakes and potato chips all day…
…I see, I’m getting the Diana Barry treatment. Why are you all so triggered by mothers who care about their children’s health? I ask rhetorically, because the question does answer itself. (smiles)
Anon
Oh sweetie. I feel sorry for your kids. No one suggested kids eat nothing but junk food all day. A breakfast of pancakes and a dinner of grilled cheese isn’t going to hurt anyone, but your food and body issues will definitely hurt your kids.
anon
+1. Plus, most parents relax their standards when they’re traveling, and particularly if they’re guests at another person’s home.
Anon
Yeah, exactly. Our travel food patterns (for kids and adults) are definitely less healthy than normal. It’s not a big deal because we spend a small fraction of our lives traveling.
Anne-on
I think I found our resident POOPCUP guys!
Aunt Jamesina
Diana Barry would know what carbs are. Troll better.
Anon
Agreed. I don’t want sugar crash behaviour from anyone’s kids (or myself!) so avoid pancakes.
I’d keep snacks like yogurt, fruit, carrots sticks and hummus handy.
Anon
Are pancakes really that sweet? I’ve never seen a kid get sugar crazy from pancakes. Cake/candy for sure, and maybe those super sweet pancakes you can order in a restaurant that are basically dessert-for-brunch (Oreo pancakes, cinnamon roll pancakes etc) but normal pancakes at home…? I think you’d get full way before you could a crazy sugar high.
anon
Guys, I am losing my ever-loving mind. I have a 3-year-old cat that we adopted from a shelter close to a year ago. We honestly have very little information about his background. This cat is so sweet and so fun. But he randomly gets ticked off and starts marking his territory. These are not accidents; this is very clear spraying behavior. We are cleaning all the time. It’s been happening off and on for 6 months. Vet is well aware of the problem and has prescribed kitty Prozac. It has helped some but it definitely hasn’t eliminated the problem. He still uses the litter boxes for actual peeing and pooing. It’s the spraying that’s the problem. Kitty is perfectly healthy and has gotten numerous clean bills of health. Vet is very supportive of letting him roam our fenced-in backyard and says some cats just need that extra stimulation to not be basket cases.
Is this problem ever going to be fixable? I do NOT want to get rid of the cat but this is simply not sustainable. I am not new to having animals and I accept that cleaning up messes is part of it, but randomly sussing out cat pee is stressful for the whole family. I can’t even tell you how much money we’ve thrown at this problem, from professional cleaning to special foods to things to block the area. Our home has an open floor plan, it has been VERY difficult to keep him away from his preferred areas.
Help. What would you try next?
Anon
We find the VetriScience Composure treats really helped our anxious cat. Figuring out his triggers might help too, if you can.
Anon
CBD
Anon
I had a female cat start spraying in later life. She became an outdoor cat after we went through all of our options. We are in CA so not too terrible, and we made a cat house of sorts for her on the porch. My neighbor felt bad for her and took her in, then she peed all over his brand new mattress, so he kicked her back outside too. He built her a little house in his garden where she slept and she lived to be 16+ years old.
Anon
Is neutering not an option?
anon
He’s already neutered.
Anonymous
is he neutered?
Ses
Also make sure you’re using an enzyme cleaner to remove all traces. Even if you’ve resolved the anxiety that caused it, if he smells his last spray at all in an area, this can lead to repeats.
Cb
Oof, our rescue cat (adopted at the same age) was a chronic sprayer and wee-er. Letting him roam outside helped quite a lot – he never uses his litter tray and is much happier in terms of yowling, scratching. When we moved it stopped completely (knock on wood), I think it might have been the presence of other cats. We had floor to ceiling ground floor windows in the sitting room and I think he never felt fully secure.
Anonymous
My cat goes through phases where he’ll randomly do this. Once it starts it becomes like a compulsion, you have to break the cycle by keeping him out of the area. Enzyme cleaner, gates to block the area, and a litter box as close to the gated area as you can get it.
Anon
A prescription for Prozac. Many of my friends cats take it, and helped stop their spraying behavior.
Anon
It sounds like he’s already on Prozac.
Anon.
Whoops sorry-it’s rainy here and I’m under caffeinated so missed that part. OP-sorry you’re dealing with this, and hope vet can offer more solutions. :(
Anon
Make sure to use an enzyme cleanser (Kids n Pets is pretty cost effective) so the cat doesn’t keep coming back to the same places. (Professional cleaners don’t always get this right.)
JustSaying
I don’t own a cat, and this is a serious question. Are cat diapers a thing? They are for dogs. Could be a temporary fix while you find a permanent solution
Anon
OMG they are. I went over to the river site to look, and yes there are cat diapers. The reviews are interesting, ranging from rave reviews to “my cat is not having this”, “it took away my cat’s dignity”, “worked for its intended purpose but did not work for us due to our cat’s angry meows”.
anonymous
Google “ohio state indoor cat initiative”. There is info on their site about cat behavior and things that can cause them stress.
Any way to identify what triggers his spraying? Are there other animals in the household? Does he see other animals outside?
You could check with a animal behaviorist, but I agree with your vet that letting him roam outside might not be a bad idea.
Does he have enough perches and cozy spaces just for himself? He may need extra simulation in the form of playtime to tire him out and get rid of stress.
Some other things to try:
– CBD. I have tried Paw CBD before.
– Feliway. Some cats react well to it. You can get diffusers and sprays. You can use the spray on places he has marked.
– I have placed my cat’s food bowls in places he has sprayed before to discourage him from doing it again.
– There is also calming prescription food.
– What type of medication is he on? Mine is on Paroxetine to help keep him calm.
I’ve had a couple of cats with peeing issues and it can be very challenging and frustrating to deal with.
anonymous
Ugh. I have a long comment in mod, so check back! I’ve dealt with this before with my cats and I understand how frustrating it can be.
Anon
It sounds like you’ve already tried a lot of the usual things. You might do a consult with a cat behaviorist. I’ve done that and it’s super helpful and the consultant can suggest things specific to your home.
Anon and on
feliway worked for us
To Anon re: breast implants
I posted last night, but it was probably too late to be seen. I got saline implants in 2005 and never had any problems or needed any repairs or replacement. It’s a common misconception that you have to have them replaced at certain intervals. That’s just not true. I had a bilateral mastectomy recently after a breast cancer diagnosis and will have reconstruction with implants later this year. I chose silicone this time because, unlike the silicone implants of the past, the updated version cannot leak. My surgeon compared them to gummy bears; if you cut open a gummy bear, nothing leaks out. The silicone ones look and feel much more natural than saline. The surgery itself the first time around was not that bad. My chest felt like I had lifted weights and felt more heavy and sore than painful. I had surgery on a Tuesday and went back to work the following Monday. Also, FWIW, my current breast and reconstructive surgeon said it is debatable whether breast implant illness is actually “a thing.” Because the symptoms are so common (brain fog, fatigue, etc.), they could be caused by any number of things, and there are no studies establishing a causal link between implants and the symptoms people sometimes experience.
Anonymous
+1 – I also have implants now post-BC and am very happy with my silicone implants. I asked my surgeon many questions about BII and got similar responses – essentially they’re not saying it’s impossible, but it’s likely overreported and blamed for other problems. If this is something that you want to do, don’t like that stop you. Life is too short not to do things like implants that would make you happy.
Anonymous
Hoping to ask for help. I am looking for more plain (not printed) tops (not button down). Essentially, something that would look good over zoom with a nice necklace. I am having a really hard time finding anything that fits the bill. Looking for slightly higher end stuff (no Ann Taylor or Jcrew). If shopping at Nordstrom, what brands should I be looking for? I am slightly petite but can wear standard sizes, just want to avoid anything oversized. Also look slightly young, so would like to avoid ruffles. Any ideas for me on brands to focus on?
Cat
If it’s primarily for video and in plain colors, personally I don’t see why you’d pay the extra for designer, but Max Mara and Boss have lovely simple tops in neutral colors. I also like NM’s house brand of cashmere.
Anne-on
On Nordstrom online you can sort by sleeve length (3/4 or long sleeves are my picks) and under ‘style’ you can select ‘blouse’. That should give you lots of options to pick from – in general Eileen Fisher, CeCe, Equipment, Joie, L’agence, kate spade, and rebecca taylor are pretty solid brands to look at (though CeCe is a little cheaper and can sometimes be see through).
Anon8
Some suggestions, some of which may be obvious:
– Theory
– Amour Vert
– Equipment
– APC
– Arket
– & Other Stories
Chl
I have been looking for similar and had good luck with banana factory.
Anon
Is the Boden Ravello still a thing?
Anon
Eileen Fisher usually does a top like this in silk. I have several. I machine wash and hang dry them all and they don’t disintegrate like cheaper silk tops.
Anon
https://www.eileenfisher.com/silk-georgette-crepe-ballet-neck-tank/F2GC1-U4274.html?loc=US
Anon
I have a teen to loves a band and that band is touring. But the venues closest to us are 18+ to get in. I have not run into this before (have taken grade-schoolers to Pink in an arena show pre-COVID and know that teens go to concerts all the time generally). 1) I’m not sure how you enforce this (many kids who are 16-18 are still struggling to get licenses because DMV and behind the wheel drivers ed are so backed up and 2) would it make any difference to speak to the venue? Like my kid has no interest in sneaking a drink and you can’t smoke inside and a parent is coming, but I’m so bummed for her. Is there a reason for this (it will make her feel a little better — she is quite salty at the moment).
Cat
Guessing insurance and liability reasons. 18 is an adult.
No Face
+1. Liability, insurance, and maybe local laws. Pink is popular, so her concerts are in stadiums and arenas that have patrons of all ages. A smaller band may be playing at businesses deemed nightclubs or bars, so they may be subject to restrictions on who they can admit to keep their business license.
anon
You enforce it by requiring people to show ID at entrance, which is standard at venues that serve alcohol. The bouncer/ID checker verifies IDs and stamps hands/gives wristbands that indicate whether the person is over 21. The venue does not care about the DMV being backed up; most 18 year olds have licenses or non-license state IDs. Also, depending on how the venue is licensed, allowing people under 18 may not be permitted (either at all or after a certain time). In my city, any place that is licensed as a bar can’t admit people under 18, for example.
Anon
Grrr — and of course stadiums and arenas in my state have full-on ability to serve alcohol (and have it non-policed in suites). I think this is an instance where it is so much harder to be a small business than a large well-capitalized business with a legal staff and outside counsel. Martha’s Pub isn’t going to let a kid in b/c they have no budget for deciding whether to allow exceptions to 18+ to enter. The NHL arena has people for that and as a result, anyone can enter and they can maximimize revenue from tickets and booze in a way that Martha’s struggles to keep the lights on. Ugh. Stupid laws are stupid but also a burden on people trying to just earn a living.
Anon
It’s really not as complicated as you’re making it out to be. Also, adults, who are the majority of the customers at these venues, don’t want to go to shows with children. Even if a concert venue could allow kids, I doubt they would.
anon
Yeah, speaking as someone who worked in a bar, this is both not hard and what most bar patrons want – neither Martha’s Pub nor an NHL arena is going to make case by case decisions about who is allowed in, and Martha’s Pub isn’t suffering economically due to their inability to allow 15 year olds to come to shows. I would not have wanted to deal with a bunch of 15-16 year old kids in my bar in my waitressing days, and it wouldn’t have been a good environment for them in any case (smoking, heavy drinking, people doing cocaine in the bathroom, etc.).
Anon
I mean, sure you can ask because there’s no downside, but they’re not going to let your kid in. It’s pretty normal for clubs and smaller music venues to be 18+. Surprised you haven’t run into this before.
Anonymous
Agree it is likely a liability issue but also want to discourage you from trying to bend the rulez for her. It screams “rules don’t apply to me” privilege. It is one thing to acknowledge that kids will try to break rules on their own, like by getting a fake ID, and deciding not to absolutely throw the book at them if they get in trouble for it. It is another for the parent to intervene and try to ensure their kid is excused from those rules.
Anon
Yes, and learning how to handle life’s many unfairnesses and disappointments is an important skill.
Trish
Boom! There is it! People asking advice on one topic and, instead, getting advice on their parenting. Gotta love it.
Anon
Ha, no I don’t think you can call the venue to ask them to please let your child in.
Anonymouse
Doesn’t help your immediate situation but something to consider- see if you can catch this band’s concert on YouTube (a previous concert) or some streaming platform. I’ve found good sound quality concerts to listen to on YouTube after some searching and made an evening of it at home when I can’t attend the particular band live concert. It’s not the same experience but it’s fun in its own way. This might be a consolation as it appears this concert is off limits due to age limits.
Bonus round: find a concert on YouTube from a band YOU like/like and watch that on a different night with your teen. You might have fun comparing the two!
Anonymous
it is okay for your child to be disappointed.
Anonymous
They absolutely can and do check ID and no there is no point speaking to the venue. And if your 16 year old doesn’t have ID, get her a passport!
Duckles
There is no way speaking to the venue will change anything unless you’re renting it all/ a whole section for a private event potentially. The reason is that there’s really no reason to let minors in— it’s higher liability, not the demographic/reputation they want to attract, and they don’t buy alcohol.
Anon
Depends where you are but where I am, underagers are allowed to see bands if accompanied by a responsible adult, you could call and ask if thats possible here?
Nina
One of my direct reports asked for a raise, but he actually got one earlier this year and I’ve talked to him / my boss about it and while he’ll get a significant cost of living update at his next annual review, it probably won’t be a raise. We’re in a place where rent has been going up a lot and his landlord basically doubled his rent (my office is very open) and his request for a raise is based on that.
He has had a LOT of telehealth appointments lately. He has also talked about “being a hypochondriac” (his words not mine) in the office before, but of course in general take all the appointments you need. Still – am I wrong to worry / wonder if some of these telehealth appointments are actually job interviews?
No Face
If you are concerned about retaining him without being able to give him a raise, I would ask him if there is anything else that he wants. New title? Timeframe for a promotion? Professional development opportunities?
But if his rent is doubling, it is very reasonable for him to seek more money at a new job. Policing his telehealth and/or job interviews is not going to solve that problem for you.
Nina
I’m not policing anything – I’m venting here and wondering out loud. I had given him a timeframe for a promotion and professional development opportunities, and he does seem to be leaning into that, but ultimately from his POV it doesn’t solve the rent increase situation.
Cat
Requests for raises in general shouldn’t focus on personal expenses vs. job performance. As someone who might be that report’s peer, I would be beyond p!ssed if he suddenly got a huge raise because of his expenses (which, even if his expenses change in the future, the salary wouldn’t drop and he’d keep getting COL on top of that!).
If this guy decides to leave because the forthcoming COL adjustment is too low, that’s a risk you should discuss with your boss; doesn’t reflect poorly on you as a manager.
Nina
I agree with that completely – I think that it was not the best move for him to bring up his rent increase as a reason for a raise. I’ve discussed this with my boss and even pointed out that the job market is pretty good in our area so its a very legit risk.
Curious
+1 to all of this.
Anonymous
Girl what? Why you trying to be a villain here.
Nina
How am I being a villain? I’m not saying anything to him. I’m not trying to stop him from going to whatever these appts are. I’m trying to get him his raise or at least a path to one. Huh?
Anon
I understand it’s frustrating when your rent increases significantly but it was his decision to renew his lease. I just moved out of my old apartment because they wanted to raise my rent by about $500 in the NYC area. I moved so my rent is now only about $100 more. It’s his choice how he wants to handle life’s curveballs. He may very well be looking for a ne w job and doctors appointments are always the excuse to be OOO.
Anon
They may be mental health visits, and in any case, it’s none of your business.
Anon
+1!
Anonymous
When you use your personal funds to sponsor an event, when do you donate anonymously vs donate in your name?
Anonymous
I always donate in my name. I am not uber wealthy and donating massive amounts of money such that I need anonymity and affiliating myself with the cause by using my name means something, so I do it.
Cat
always anonymously. I don’t want either glory or judgment.
anon
Always in my own name because I then use that to encourage others to support the event/cause as well.
Anon
I don’t “sponsor events” (that sounds super fancy!) but when I give money to our local performing arts organizations or something like that I use my name. I’m not wealthy and rarely give more than $25-50 though. I’m sure I might be feel differently if I was writing $5k checks all the time.
anonshmanon
If it’s a GoFundMe for a person I know, I might go anonymous so they don’t feel like they owe me. if it’s very political, I might go anonymous so it’s less likely to come back to bite me when I apply for a green card (although I don’t care that much anymore tbh)
Anonymous
out of curiosity does anyone use the jillian michaels fitness app? especially curious if the strength training programs are with heavy weights or if they’re all just high rep with lower weights
Diamonds
I currently have a <1 ct natural diamond engagement ring that I am thinking about upgrading. When I got my ring many years ago, lab diamonds weren't a thing, so we didn't even consider it. But given the ethics of diamond mining and the price difference between a 2 ct natural diamond and a 2 ct lab diamond, I'm trying to decide whether to purchase a lab diamond instead. FWIW, DH thinks I should stick with a natural diamond.
What would you do in my shoes?
Cat
I would look for a vintage stone if a lab-grown diamond ‘feels’ too synthetic to your husband.
Anonymous
Antique or lab. There truly isn’t an ethically justifiable argument for purchasing a new diamond.
Anonymous
I don’t understand the concept of upgrading an engagement ring. isn’t it then just a ring?
Anonymous
I am not yet engaged or married but I’m absolutely getting either a lab grown diamond or mossanite when I get engaged since I work in a human rights adjacent field.
Anon
See below — then you should diligence lab grown diamonds a bit more.
Aunt Jamesina
Lab diamonds are real diamonds and a guarantee that they aren’t conflict diamonds. Zero downside unless you’re DeBeers.
Anon
Contra: it takes a sh*t ton of energy and isn’t very green. Plus, they are made usually in China, which does crap for the environment and is currently engaging in genocide. Why not go vintage or to another natural stone?
anonshmanon
yet, even though we outsource diamond making and other stuff to China, their per-capita carbon footprint is still half of the average US resident? And they alone account for over a third of worldwide investments into renewables, so it’s a little rich to say they do crap for the environment when the US hops in and out of the Paris accord like it’s the hokey pokey.
Anon
Lab diamond 100%
FP
I upgraded my stone at our 10 year anniversary to a 2 ct lab diamond and I love it. No one has ever been able to tell the difference, and I still have my original one to keep for an heirloom. The cost savings was insane. I truly did not care about the differences, and between the ethics and cost considerations, I couldn’t find any reason to go for a natural diamond.
Anonymous
Canadian diamonds are a good option. My ring is a Canadian diamond – they are pricier (generally) but I’d rather have a smaller Canadian diamond feel comfortable with the source.
Anonymous
Canadian diamonds are not ethical they ship white people up north to extract the resources and then leave the fallout for indigenous and inuit communities to deal with.
Anonymous
This is not accurate.
There are many IBAs (impact benefits agreements) in place with affected groups and responsible mining practices such as reduced truck traffic during caribou migration season. There are also training programs in place to increase Indigenous participation in the mining workforce.
The mere fact that you only reference ‘Inuit’ and not the variety of Indigenous groups in and near these mining areas demonstrates to me that you are not familiar with the situation. Further, the main Inuit area – Nunavut is a self governed territory. That means Inuit people themselves make the decisions on appropriate resource development on their own lands.
Please do not participate stereotypes that Indigenous people do not participate in, have control over or benefit from resource development.
Anon
What is the downside to simply purchasing a Canadian diamond from a reputable source (other than price)?
Senior Attorney
I’d go vintage.
Anon
+1
Sparkly
Another vote for lab diamond! I opted for them in my engagement ring after a long back and forth. I truly can’t tell any difference between them and natural diamonds (nor can anyone else). I love that they are conflict free, beautiful, and economical. I love that I was able to get a larger carat weight for my budget. It was not important to me that it have a high resale value, because I hope to wear it forever and pass it along as an heirloom after I’m gone.
Austin or Denver Add-Ons?
I have two upcoming work trips — one to Austin and another to Denver — for which I could add on a weekend if I wished. Generally overworked and exhausted lately, so considering staying longer to do something quiet and pretty by by myself — e.g. resort or ranch outside the city. Anyone have somewhere they love for such things in the general vicinity of either city? TIA!
Anon
I haven’t been but there’s a Miraval near Austin that looks amazing.
anon
I stayed at Miraval Austin when it was under the Travaasa brand and thought it was lovely and super relaxing. It’s up on a ridge overlooking Lake Travis.
Austin or Denver Add-Ons?
Thank you! This is exactly what I had in mind.
Anon
I would go to Boulder for an add on to Denver. It’s such a nice town with wonderful outdoor activities everywhere, very chill.
Anne-on
Vail (staying in Vail village) is amazing and while $$ it is SO peaceful – you can do lovely gentle hikes, there are great spas at the high end hotels, and the food is fantastic. If you’re not into cooler weather though I’d probably opt for Austin, it’ll be chilly in CO.
Anon
Swimming Update – I posted couple of months asking for advice on swimming because I was starting my lessons. I did 4 – 1 hour classes in July. I learned the basic strokes and got more comfortable being in water. I am now trying to practice twice a week. I can do two backstrokes fairly well but still haven’t been able to fully learn the ones with face in the water. Every time I get to the pool, I do few laps with the backstrokes but also spend some time practicing breathing (in through mouth and out through nose in the water). I think I might need to take some additional classes to get fully comfortable but I want to keep building my comfort level with having my face in the water. I also still need to learn how to tread water. I had no idea how hard this is.
Anon
Hey, that’s awesome though! More lessons sounds like a good idea, but I think going from nothing to where you are now is pretty impressive.
Cat
Sounds like great progress from your starting point!
pugsnbourbon
Nice work!
Treading water is SO hard. My mom used to be able to do it for like 45 minutes straight, which is wild. Even when I was in great shape I could barely keep it up for just a couple minutes.
Anon
I am so proud of you! That is awesome progress and commitment.
Anon
Anyone willing to share their experience using fillers for lines around the mouth (smile lines). I am not wild about the idea of injecting something into my face, but also hate that my makeup settles in this area!
Senior Attorney
I’ve done it and have been happy with it!
Saguaro
Same! Definitely worth it!
BeenThatGuy
I inject a lot into my face but I’ve yet to do this. My doctor says the new technique is not to fill the lines. Instead, they fill the apple of the cheek. This pulls the lines up instead of out. But either way, if it makes you happy, go for it!
Anonymous
I’ve done it and don’t love it, but I think it’s more an issue with the person who did the injections using too much and not being really clear with me beforehand what he was doing. He’s an aesthetic derm at an academic medical center and I realize now I put too much trust in his credentials and experience and should have had a more explicit conversation about expectations. I wish I had started with a baby dose, but in the middle of the procedure he decided to do another syringe and the whole effect is just fuller than I would have wanted. So if you do decide to do it, my advice would be to start very small.
Anon
Good discussion of this issue on the podcast everything is fine this week with Val Monroe.
Anon
How many of you were more emotionally unregulated in your twenties? I feel like most of the women on this board seem so pragmatic and like you don’t fight with your husbands or DHs, and when people comment about having acted overly emotional or silly, the response is “wow, pray he doesn’t leave you for being crazy.”
I’m in my mid-twenties and feel like I sometimes am overly needy/insecure in my relationship or maybe also escalate conflicts by reacting when someone gets defensive. I’m worried that I’m crazy or the only woman who does this, since you obviously never see into others’ relationships. Were any of you this way in your twenties (or if you’re in your twenties now, still are?)? I’m in therapy and working on it, and apologize whenever I say something I regret. But I have so much shame and anxiety about maybe having more hurt-feelings exchanges in my relationship than other people (a couple of times a month) and having a tendency to freak out whenever it happens.
Anon
I was definitely less well regulated in my 20s than I am now. I attribute some of that to changes in hormones (post menopause) and some to maturity and growth. I will say that in my 20s, I had no interest in high drama/high conflict relationships, whether romantic or friendship. This has not changed. I do not want to live my life in close proximity to high conflict people.
Amy
100% yes I was much more of a mess in my 20s than now (age 47). It is totally normal to both mellow and learn better coping/communicating skills as you age. Therapy in your 20s is the best money spent IMHO.
Anon
Almost 40 here and I behaved similarly in my 20s. I think it is all pretty normal. I think you should spend some time thinking about what type of qualities and communication style you want in your partner. It could be that you aren’t compatible and the communication style difference will impact your life more and more with as you move along in your relationship and have to deal with other stresses (elderly parents, sickness, kids, etc.)
Senior Attorney
+1 I behaved similarly into my 40s, but I also think that if you’re having that much conflict in your relationship you may want to evaluate whether it’s the right relationship. I really do think fighting and having hurt feelings on a regular basis is no way to live (and believe me I’ve been there, done that), and that if your partner is defensive and you’re attacking, then yikes! Maybe it’s not just you. I know there are those who disagree, but my motto these days is “relationships should be easy, and if it’s not easy, it’s not the right relationship.”
anon
I was definitely less emotionally regulated in my college years/early 20s, which led to me making a very bad first marital choice. I think the turning point was when I realized I was definitely getting divorced and realized that my fastest path to being over my soon to be ex-husband was not letting myself act out emotionally even when it felt really satisfying in the moment.
I’m probably too emotionally regulated now.
Anon
I’ve always been a low drama person and don’t take things very personally (I’m one of those people who has literally never had a fight with my husband). I agree with Senior Attorney that relationships should be easy and you should reconsider if things are regularly difficult. That said, it’s obviously easier to feel secure in a relationship when you’ve been happily married for 10 years than when you’ve just started dating, so the situation definitely matters too. When your relationship isn’t secure, it’s not unreasonable to feel insecure about it!
Away Game
If you were my friend and came to me with this concern, I’d totally try to brainstorm with you and see if I could help. For ex, ask you to think about the last 3-4s you felt like you had a ‘hurt feelings discussion.’ What did those times have in common? Was it the same person? the same issue? In retrospect, what did the person do or not do that hurt your feelings or made you react and hurt their feelings? In retrospect, was that a reasonable reaction on your part? If it’s a specific person setting you off, maybe you’re just not compatible/its that person. If you react really badly in some circumstances – other people are late, you weren’t invited to an event, someone wasn’t sympathetic “enough” to your last problem – I’d work out possible alternative reactions. If there is stuff in common among your last few experiences, I’d role play other responses with you! Finally, it is possible you expect things from others that you shouldn’t, particularly given your new stage in life? Like, as an adult, people generally don’t have a huge deal made of birthdays, so if you were having ‘hurt feelings conversations’ because your bday wasn’t celebrated enough, I’d point out that as adults bdays are generally less and less a deal. Most people just have less time in their mid-late 20s and esp in their 30s, so are you hurt that someone in a busy job/relationship/etc didn’t have as much time for you as maybe they did in college?
More importantly, are your reactions based on difficult experiences or relationships when you were a child or young adult? Trauma of all sorts can have lingering consequences, which is probably best worked out in therapy (good for you for already taking that step regardless).
In any case, I think it’s honestly really great you are aware this is an issue and are working to try to fix it, both for yourself and others.
Senior Attorney
Further to “hurt feelings:” My feeling is that at some point you just need to get over it. I know my husband loves me and cares for me and would never in a million years do anything to hurt my feelings on purpose. It so happens that he isn’t a big texter. I would like it if, for example, he did sentimental birthday and anniversary posts on social media. But that’s not how he rolls. So rather than have a “hurt feelings” conversation on every such occasion, I remind myself that he shows his love by, for example, backing my car out of our long narrow driverway every morning. And on the very rare occasions where he says something thoughtless, I realize that it was thoughtless, or I misunderstood, and I either say “wow, I must have misunderstood because you can’t possibly have meant what I heard,” or I just let it go. Point being I am 100% positive he would never hurt my feelings on purpose so there are vanishingly few opportunities to have a “hurt feelings” conversation.
Oh, and early in the relationship, I think “presume good intentions” goes a long way to avoiding hurt feelings.
Contrast that to my former husband, who was a malignant narcissist and overcame that presumption early on! He was constantly hurting my feelings and even though I spoke up loud and clear every time (well, most times — speaking up made it worse), he knew what I wanted and needed, and what I didn’t like, and he just didn’t care and wasn’t about to change his behavior. In that case, I finally (FINALLY!!) realized that “hurt feelings” conversations were useless and the only rational thing to do was leave, which was what I did.
Anon
35 here and I feel that I really hit my sweet spot at 28. By 28 I was far more self-aware, and that translated into making different, better-for-me choices. I also saw a therapist at 27 to deal with some childhood issues – therapy taught me how to feel and honor my emotions, rather than ignore and bottle them up. There’s a ton of research on brain development, and how it very much continues until the mid-20s.
Vicky Austin
I am in my late twenties, and I’ve been married since 23. We had a loooootttt of hurt feelings discussions like the ones you’re describing in the first couple years of marriage. They have become much less prevalent in a post-Zoloft world. Maybe bring that up with your therapist?
Anon
My twenties were hard. I had ADHD and emotional dysregulation comes with the territory.
Shananana
This is why you will hear people say their 30s and 40s are better than their 20s. It takes time to learn yourself as a fully formed adult, and then to learn how to make your behavior match. It takes screwing some things up and going hey why did that happen, how do I not do that again. That you are already in therapy is giant step one. I started paying attention to people who handled things in a way I admired, and started to try to mirror that in my reactions to things. It takes practice, and work, and leveling out into (and learning to trust) yourself. Hugs to you for starting the work, and know that that work is hard but will make the future so much better.
Anon
Oh, me. I may not have realized it while I was in my 20s but combine a bad, early marriage with lots of job stress and lots of personal insecurities that my then-husband farmed like ants farm aphids, and I was sort of an emotional wreck.
Also, people love to brag about being perfect here. I’d take it all with a HUGE grain of salt. Hon, I’m mid 50s and still have stupid fights with my husband. I got my feelings hurt by him last week and slept in another room. We’ve been married for 23 years. It’s normal. The real sign of maturity is acknowledging you are human.
Anon and on
late post here but hope it helps. I wish someone tasted my thyroid, fully and properly, in my 20s. Evelyn was mock speed all the time and no matter how much I ate I couldn’t get over 100 pounds at 5 foot 7. I also had vitamin and sleep deficiencies because I had super high thyroid (went undiagnosed despite family history of same plus Graves)
Freaked Out Anon
Hey all,
We sold a house a year ago. The people we sold it to are nice, nothing against them. But they have literally not stopped emailing us questions about the house for 12 months. They took a little break over the summer and then started up again. They mostly have been emailing my husband. We have been ignoring them but that hasn’t worked. Now, plot twist – one of them looked up my work phone number and actually called me at work! I have never spoken to these people before or emailed with them. This felt very invasive! and stalkery! Again, I know they mean well, but like, how would you get them to stop? I am afraid to email them or have any contact because they will see the chink in the door and try to push it open. Has anyone experienced this before?