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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
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The blazer is $295 and available in sizes XS–XL. Single-Button Blazer
Two more affordable options are from Laundry by Shelli Segal and Calvin Klein, both at Macy's.
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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Anon for this - Administrative Law Judge
Thanks to all who had great questions for me when I posted asking about ALJs in general and working remotely in particular a few weeks ago. I’m happy to report that I was offered the position last Wednesday and I have accepted. I’m very excited to move into this new role. I’m being provided with all the equipment I need to set up my home office and a car and fuel card to cover my travel to/from hearings. Thanks, Corporettes!
Anon
That’s great, congrats!
TheElms
Congrats!!
anon
Congrats!!
mahnamahna
Congrats! Fellow new remote worker here and after a month, I am hooked.
anon
For those of you with a mix of separate and combined finances: from which account(s) do you pay taxes? We have fully combined finances for everything from our marriage date on, but separate accounts from our single days. When the market goes up, our combined assets as well as one person’s separate assets drive a larger tax bill than our W2 deductions and we can’t decide which accounts the bill should be paid out of. It’s hard to quantify exactly how much of the extra tax payment is the result of the individual accounts vs. the combined ones so we haven’t been able to easily divide it. Would love to hear how others have handled!
Anon
You combine accounts and never think of it as separate money again. Works for us. I don’t really know how it could work easily otherwise. You didn’t mention if you’re committed to the separate accounts.
Retired Anon in HCOL
Have your accountant do a comparison of your return as MFJ vs. MFS?
Anon
I agree with combining finances at this point, but if you insist on keeping them separate, I’d just prorate the tax payments based on the value of the investments – eg, if he has $1M and you have $500k, he pays 66% of the taxes. That should be pretty accurate anyway, unless your investments have wildly varying degrees of success.
Anonymous
We’ve got this situation with some investments. Tax liability gets paid from the joint account since all our other funds are commingled and both of us will benefit from these assets.
OP
OP here – thanks for this. We were specifically curious to hear if others take this approach so glad to hear that it’s not unreasonable!
ElisaR
same
Another anon
This is also how we handle it.
Anon
Look at the gains in each of your accounts and express that as a percentage of total gain. Allocate your increase in taxes according to these percentages.
Example:
Account A increased 30k
Account B increased 20k
Account C increased 50k
Tax increase is $10k
$3k should come from A, $2k from B, $5k from C.
OP
Thanks – this is closest to what we’ve tried before. We’ve probably tried to overcomplicate it by trying to account for differences between short term gains, long term gains, and capital gains (when we’ve sold something) given the different tax rates. Sounds like simplicity may be the best approach!
Anon
I think if I were trying to account for capital gains vs ordinary income tax on short term gains, I’d just double the weights for the short term. So in the above example, if only the 30k was short term, I’d weight it in at 60k before I calculated the percentages.
You could get super exact with this and multiply your gain amounts by your exact marginal tax rate for each category before you take percentages.
Pogo
Husband does our taxes manually and if our joint account couldn’t cover the bill, I’d just transfer extra from my personal account. This is how we handle any big expense that he plans to pay out of the joint account.
Anon
I have some separate assets from my single days, mainly an investment account that is in the six figures (husband was broke and just out of grad school when we got married). It doesn’t generate that much taxable gains, since I’m not actively selling. But to the extend that it does, we would just pay them out of our married joint account. This is largely just because it is easier for me, I manage the finances, and my husband doesn’t care. I also figure it is basically fair since some of my prior assets, like the house I purchased before we met, are now joint.
Anon
All money is green; I’d split it equally.
Anon
We keep separate accounts at the suggestion of our attorney (complicated elder care issues in a filial responsibility state) and contribute equally to a joint account for bills. Taxes are paid from the joint account.
Curious
We wrote in our post nup that we would try to pay more or less according to which part of the property the tax liability came from, but that it wasn’t a hard requirement. That allows us to make judgment calls because hey, this is hard. In practice, this year we each paid through extra withholding, so the money all came from joint funds, and we are totally okay with that.
Anonymous
I’m dating a guy who I knew was a little older than me. I’m 31. I thought he was 37 or so. It has been weirdly easy. Our personalities match well and our love languages must align. I just found out, after 3 months, that he’s 46. This is way too old for me. How can I break it off without just saying “you’re too old”? It’s the truth but sounds harsh. I know it could work out, but I’m not willing to have a 15 year age gap long term (when I’m 65, an age when both my parents have had great health and enjoyed travel, he’ll be 80.)
Anonymous
How did you not know his age earlier than now?
Anon
I would just be honest. It’s not that he’s “too old” it’s that you want to date someone closer to your age, which is not a personal insult to him.
Anonymous
This.
And I think you show great understanding of the difference that the age gap can make later in life. DH’s former boss is with someone ten years older than her (60 and 70), they are still very active but he has slowed significantly in the last couple years and I know she is sad that her 60s will like be much less active then his 60s were when she was in her 50s. 30 to 45 isn’t such a big age gap but 65 to 80 is significant.
Anon
+1 to this. 15 years is a big deal, it’s a bigger gap than I would want to deal with. My husband is 6 years older than me, which doesn’t seem like much, but sometimes it causes issues I didn’t think would be issues when I was younger. One of my close friends is married to a man who is 12 years older than her and it was a lot more fun when she was 28 and he was 40 than it is now, when she is 50 and he is 62 and already slowing down, energy-wise. OP, I think you can just be kind, but firm. This is a dealbreaker issue like any other in a new relationship and there’s no moving past it.
BeenThatGuy
It sucks that he lied to you. For me, that would be the issue, not the age. I’m 43 and my boyfriend, of almost 5 years, is 30. It works for us. It’s not for everyone.
Anon
Where did you get that he lied to her? It sounds like she just assumed he was younger. I agree lying is a much bigger problem than him simply being older, but even if there was no lying involved, it’s perfectly valid for her to not want to be with a man who will be 80 when she’s 65 (I wouldn’t). Statistically, men die younger and have deteriorating health at a younger age than women, so biologically, the older woman-younger man relationship makes a lot more sense than younger woman-older man.
BeenThatGuy
I assumed he lied but after I re-read the OP, I see that she “thought” he was 37 or so. I don’t disagree that she should break up with him; it’s perfectly valid (your words). Being in a relationship with a significant age different isn’t for everyone (my words).
Anon
People age at such different rates. I definitely know men in their eighties who can run circles around women in their 60s who aged more poorly.
But the OP said her genetics are to be active at 65, so I think your reasoning applies here.
Anon
Yeah I don’t know if I’d want to bank on someone aging well at 31 yrs old, especially when it’s only been three months. Statistically men die younger and their health starts falling at a younger age than women. I’d bank on statistics rather than “maybe he’ll be an active 80”. Especially when the average life span is around 80, she’s looking at more likely than not being a widow right when she hits retirement and wants to be active and travel and enjoy her last decades.
Anon
Honestly, being a widow at 65 would be far from the worst case scenario, at least for me. Caring for a seriously physically or mentally disabled person for most of her 60s and 70s is the real worst case scenario here. Only a few people are lucky enough to just drop dead one day of a stroke or heart attack. Most people have many years of serious decline before death.
Anonymous
Ugh, my MIL is 66 and FIL is about to turn 80. DH is 35.
FIL basically sits at home and yells at Fox News. MIL wants to travel, and can’t (worried about going/FIL won’t go/nobody else to go with). As soon as our kids are old enough, we will find a way to make travel happen for her. Probably DH going or all 6 of us going. But right now I can’t handle all 3 kids alone for 1+ weeks, nor can we travel internationally.
FWIW my ILs are wealthy and now regret saving/not spending on things earlier. They were extremely conservative for so long and now hey have all this money and nowhere to spend it. They just buy art now.
Anon
Yikes, do you always make such giant leaps to conclusions?
Anon
It’s not clear from your post, but did he lie to you about his age or had it just not come up before? It seems like it would be hard to date for three months without talking about where/when you went to school, etc.
And just tell him that it’s not going to work out. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to date someone closer to your age.
Anon
I’m also confused as to how this didn’t come up before if you have been dating for 3 months. Most of my friends are 4 or 5 years younger than me, and it comes up in subtle ways. Mentions of what we were doing during a particular point in time, such as I loved when this move came out when I was in college or references to graduating during the great recession, are such a clear give away about age.
Even if he didn’t directly lie, was he hiding his age?
Monday
Yeah, I cannot imagine dating someone for 3 months, who was that much younger than I am, without explicitly talking about it–let alone having it come out indirectly. I’d have to be deliberately obfuscating for them not to know my age by that point.
Anon
Yup, this.
When I was on tinder in my early 30s, I matched with a lot of men who claimed to be in their early 40s (which was fine for me), but after a bit of chat disclosed themselves to be in their mid-50s. I told each and every one of them that their lying about their age is a deal breaker much greater than their age (I was not looking for something long term at that point and would have been fine casually dating someone 20 years older than me).
Anonymous
If he lied to you then break up with him because he lied to you. If he didn’t lie then say you’ve had fun getting to know him but you’re not a good match long term.
Anonny
If his name is David, I dated him too.
Anonymous
lol
Em
I laughed out loud at this.
Senior Attorney
Agree that it’s super weird you didn’t know his age until now. But this is a perfectly good reason to break up. Don’t frame it as “you’re too old,” frame it as “this is too be an age gap for me.”
Senior Attorney
Too big and age gap. Duh.
Senior Attorney
An age gap. D’oh.
Anon
Don’t worry, we get it and we know typos happen :)
Senior Attorney
Don’t worry, we get it and we know typos happen :)
NOLA
Yes, this. My ex BF is 15 years older, which didn’t seem terrible when I was 42 and he was 57 and really active. Now that I am 55 and he is 70, the window for us having really good active years together has nearly closed (although he is active and healthy. When I didn’t see him making any changes to have a life with me any time soon, I chose to end it. Now dating a guy who is 4 years younger, which is totally weird for me as I have always been attracted to older guys. What I have found is that even guys my age or younger are not as active or healthy as I am.
Ellen
Yes, I agree. Even if the s-x is great now, Dad says he would have been a junior in college when you were in first grade. You have had all different expereinces, as when he was busy in college having s-x with many different women at the same time, you were still pooping in your pants! By the same token, Dad says it would not make any sense for you later, either, since when you are 65 and he is 80, and he is doing little more then pooping in his pants. Then, you could be having s-x with many different men if you were not married to him and changing his “Depends” the way your mother did with your diapers when you were in first grade. Dad wants me married, but only to a man who is no more then 10 years older then me, b/c if I were a young widow, I would be able to relax without having to have s-x with a slobbering schlub just b/c he was married to me. FOOEY!
Angela
You could be more vague and just say something like, “I don’t see us having a long-term future together.”
Boston / Cambridge APT
Boston area ladies, what are your best resources for finding an apartment in the Boston or Cambridge areas? Specific apartment or realtor recs? Is it recommended to use a realtor?
I’m headed to Cambridge MA for the next year or two starting this summer. Usually I would prefer newer condominium style buildings with good security and heating/cooling systems near public transport, although I don’t know what the transportation situation is in Boston. Budget is ~2.5k/month for a studio or one bedroom, preferably with a view. Are my wishes unrealistic? TIA!
Bostonienne
Your wishes are unrealistic. I pay slightly more than your budget for a very small one bedroom in Boston (central area, near public transport) and that’s below market judging from what my friends pay and not in a new style condo building. The condo buildings you’re describing are typically in the 2900-3500 range for a studio/one bed. If you’re bringing a car, add another ~200 a month. The new ones are mostly located in Kendall Square, which is right on the red line which is good for Cambridge transportation, or South End, which is bad for public transportation particularly to Cambridge. Fenway also has a number of new buildings, but also tough for your commute. At your budget, you’re going to either have to give up public transportation (or be ~15+ min walk from public transportation) or get roommates. Either way you’ll be in an older house converted into multiple units, probably without AC.
For the large buildings, you contact them directly. Otherwise, you use a realtor.
Anon
+1 to this.
Pogo
+1 to Kendall square if you really want the nice new condo-ish building feel. Or maybe look further out in say, Arlington (I know there’s one called The Legacy at Arlington Center, right on mass Ave, which is convenient to Harvard). $2500 would be on the low end for a studio. Something in Union Sq might fit – I once rented from a management company there. It was not “nice new condo building” tho, it was a pre-war 3rd floor walkup. I biked to Kendall or took the bus. I think you can bus to Harvard too?
There is no AC anywhere in Boston unless you are in one of those large buildings. You’ll need a window unit most likely.
OP
Thanks for the reality check. Sounds like school housing might be a better bet for me (if I can get it).
Anon
Look at Somerville. Easy walk or bike to Cambridge; T is available if the weather is bad; rent is a bit less than Cambridge.
Anon
I used to live in the Regatta Riverview condo in Cambridge – it was really nice and meets your requirements (condo, good security, great view, near the Green Line) and might be in your budget (we paid <$2k for a 1 bedroom but that was quite a while ago). It was ~1-1.5 miles from MIT, but not convenient to Harvard. I don't think of Harvard square as having a lot of high-rise condo developments though, so if that's where you're going you might have to compromise on that.
anony
When was this? Because the prices have skyrocketed.
Quite a while ago I had a (crappy/old/weird/bugs/mice) tiny 1 bedroom on Mass Ave in Cambridge where my MIT subsidized rent (they owned the building) was $700 (!!!!). Then my rent doubled while I lived there for grad school (left in 2003). So that was the rent increases that MIT was doing to its own students 15 years ago. And it was only after that the rents truly skyrocketed.
But to the OP, you’ll need to move quite a bit further out. And remember – Boston is an old city. Streets are crazy for parking, public transport is the norm and often slow, most housing is old and not updated. And if you are there for a brief time for school… maybe live like a student for a year? For your price point – older building, no view, no AC, no parking, if you want the best location.
Maybe have a roommate, and live in a place as you describe? Depends on your priorities.
Anon
Yeah, this was 12 years ago. But it looks like there is a 1 bed unit there for rent for $2449 now: http://www.regattariverview.com/one-bedroom.htm
It’s not the nicest neighborhood and not really convenient to most of Cambridge except some parts of MIT, which I think might keep the rent comparatively low. But the building itself was gorgeous, or at least was when I lived there, and has all the amenities you’d want.
anony
That’s cheaper than I expected! And honestly, commuting around Boston/Cambridge is not that bad, as it is still a very small city. You can walk/bike easily around Cambridge to get to where you need to be. And when you are a student (I assume OP will be…?) it is easier to make it work when your location isn’t perfect.
Anonymous
I think one of the West End/Charles River Park buildings might work for OP. Buildings are not new (more like 50 years old and super ugly) but do have security/HVAC and some have nice views of the Charles River or the Zakim bridge. Reasonable walk to the Charles River Park stop on the red line. Near the price point too.
OP
Thank you everyone for the recommendations!
Anonymous
I’ve only lived in Brighton, across the river, but both times I’ve needed to find an apartment, City Central has been the place to go, and I think they have a presence in Cambridge as well as Allston/Brighton. That said, for the newer condo buildings, I think you can just go into the leasing office and see what they have available, but there might be some luxury realtors that specialize in selling/renting those condos if you’re willing to shell out a month’s rent for the realtor fee.
As others have said, 2.5k for a one bedroom is a bit unrealistic unless you’re willing to live in an older building, and even that might be tough for Cambridge. You may need to check out Malden, Medford, Watertown, Savin Hill down in Dorchester also comes to mind, maybe even Quincy, if you’re okay living on the red line and commuting each day, but sometimes the red line has issues at rush hour.
Anon
There are several new luxury apartment buildings in Central Square, some so new they’re still finishing construction and have lots of empty units. Prices that I’ve seen are well beyond your stated budget but might be worth checking for move in specials. If you’re only going to be there for a year or two and they give you 1-2 months of free rent on a studio, the math might work out in your favor (or close enough to make it worthwhile, especially with building amenities like a gym). Check Massachusetts Avenue between Prospect Street and Columbia Street/Sydney Street (and a few block radius on either side of Mass Ave). Most places in Boston require a broker (it’s a total racket) but those kinds of buildings you could call directly. The Central Square red line stop is right there (one stop in either direction for Harvard/MIT) and it’s easily walkable or bikeable to the Cambridge area universities. Alternately, if having a nicer building is more important than being centrally located, check the Alewife area (Alewife is the last stop on the red line in northern Cambridge).
If you’re willing to take a one bed in a non-luxury older building (and most of Cambridge housing is in non-luxury older buildings), I actually think you can get something within a reasonable radius of Harvard/MIT/central Cambridge. But start looking now for this summer, since units (especially the rare “good” ones) are grabbed months in advance and almost always require a broker (fee is usually one month’s rent).
MJ
OP–I just moved from Boston and you should also look at certain buildings in Beacon Hill–it’s on the Red Line (Charles Street stop), so easy to get to Cambridge. There’s a great building (River House) at 145 Pinckney that I recommend. It’s condos, so supply is limited, but it has great views, doorman, whole shebang. I would use Presidential Properties if looking in Beacon Hill. Much of the rest of Beacon Hill is older brownstones. In general, the West End is dead at night, has a serious rat problem and is really boring. It’s mostly hospital people. Would not recommend West End. If you are trying to get a sense for 1BR apt rents, look up Zumper rental heat map for Boston–it has prices by subway stop. Another landlord I wholeheartedly recommend is the Micozzi Group–they have no-fee rentals throughout the Boston area and are good and decent. Avoid the Samia group–actual slumlords.
Much of Cambridge is lovely but not really on the red line–busses or car-friendly but almost more suburban than urban.
Note also that most Boston/Cambridge realtors are complete hacks, awful…just be very careful with deposits and the like because there’s some real shysters preying on the huge incoming student population. Also note that if you have a pet, pet-friendly apartments start renting as soon as now for Aug/Sept move-ins, so it’s not ever “too early” to start looking.
One other thing–if you’re not really familiar with Boston, understand that along the river (either side) is incredibly windy and uncomfortable for large swaths of the year (Boston weather is really only pleasant from April to Sept), so keep in mind that beautiful “on the river” condo, while it might have a great view, also means that you will have a very chilly/cutting wind-filled walk in Winter.
anon
When is it time to stop wearing tights? Do you go by actual temperatures, a particular date, or just whenever you want? I’m in the NE and I am OVER this winter but it’s gray and in the 40s. However in court today I see two women with bare legs. Is it time???
Anon
temperature, with a combination of whenever I want. It’s in the 40s in my city today and I’m not wearing tights, and I generally don’t if it is going to be above the 30s unless I’m spending a ton of time outdoors (and that’s coming from someone with a public transit commute). But I grew up in a colder climate and find the winters in my current city very mild.
Panda Bear
For me here in the Boston area, it’s a combination of temperature and date. Generally, I quit tights sometime in April when the weather is fairly consistently above 60. If we have a freakishly warm day in January, I still wear tights because it just feels/looks too soon. But if we have lousy weather in April and even into May, I’ll wear pants rather than skirts and tights because it feels/looks too late. I’m also constantly cold, though; maybe the ladies you saw today are tougher than me, but I couldn’t do bare legs yet. It’s snowing today!
Anonymous
Where is it snowing in Boston?! I’m in the Pru and it’s 40 and gray here…
Anon
West of 95, but wasn’t sticking last I looked out the window. Hello from someone who used to work in the Pru!
Vicky Austin
I mean, whenever I want, but that’s closely tied to the actual temperatures.
Retired Anon in HCOL
Also in the NE and it is not time. It’s 30 degrees today. I go by temperature mainly.
Lyssa
I go by temperatures (my general rule is bare legs if the low is over 40 – note that I drive and have a garage; I’m sure I’d go higher if I had to spend more time in the elements). I live in the south, so that can happen any time, though it’s pretty unusual in Dec-March (this strangely warm year excluded, when I’ve gone bare legs more often than not it seems).
Houda
I am in the UK. I go mostly by temperature but will generally stop wearing black tights by end March. I would then switch to skin tone tights in various deniers based on wind. The only time I give up tights is for the occasional summer heatwave.
Anonymous
You get to decide what you want to wear. If you wouldn’t be cold, or if you don’t mind being cold, do whatever you like.
Are you sure they were in bare legs and not skin-colored hose?
Ribena
Relatedly, I always think that skin coloured hose with long boots looks kind of odd. If it’s cold enough for long bootstrap, is it not cold enough for dark tights? Might just be me.
Ribena
I am in Scotland and wear black tights all year round. In summer if (not when!) temperatures are high teens to low twenties I will wear trousers rather than commit to tights or not, and if it’s summery weather and I have to be formal I wear skin coloured tights instead of black ones.
Anonymous
OMG I had no idea Scotland was cold like that. Are you on the mainland? Or an island? Or one of those drilling platforms in the North Sea?
Anon
She means Celsius. 19 C is 66 F.
Ribena
Those are Celsius temperatures! It’s not so much that it’s cold as that the sunshine isn’t always particularly strong. Sitting out on the park with black tights or trousers is good because the black helps your legs feel warmer.
I’m in Edinburgh – I very very rarely do bare legs for work. It just doesn’t feel ‘put together’ enough for me. Even when visiting London in the last two summers’ heatwaves I’ve always worn skin coloured tights as I find it more comfortable than bare legs. No chafing!
Never too many shoes...
Maybe it is because I am Canadian and a bit more immune to the cold, but I lived in Aberdeen for three years and definitely did not wear tights year round.
Ribena
I like a hemline on the short side so the black tights feel necessary for work! I don’t necessarily wear them at weekends.
Anon
I’m in southeast Alaska, so probably pretty close to Scotland weather wise, and I wear tights most of the year. It’s cold and wet, and my legs are incredibly pale.
Anon
tights are a functional accessory more than a frivolous one. You wear tights based on weather. It’s kind of dumb to decide “okay no tights after March 1” and you’re standing there shivering when the weather is 35 on March 10. It’s equally dumb to be hot on a hot March day just because you said you’d wear tights until April.
Anon
Agree with this. In a general sense, I would say I don’t wear them past the end of March, but it’s entirely weather-dependent. I feel sorry for the women I see freezing in bare legs in March because “it’s spring” and “too late in the year” to wear tights. Ladies, wear what keeps you warm.
Anon
This, absolutely. Not to mention that it is NOT a good look to be dressed for completely different weather, at least if you want people to think that you are a grown up professional.
Anonymous
It’s still February. The dead of winter. Of course tights are still fine.
Bostonian
+1 I’ve worn them in April if the actual weather requires it.
Anon
I hate the feeling of wearing tights on a warm, sunny afternoon when I put them on because the morning was gray and chilly, so I feel you.
In my case it’s not as simple as peeling the tights off because I wear different shoes and hem lengths with tights (as Ribena said), plus I need some sort of spanky pants/chub rub prevention garment if not wearing tights.
Anonymous
Its not time! I will wear them until probably mid April. Side note, I am team tights and it is the one thing about winter I like.
Anonymous
I just wear them year round. Colors in fall/winter, nudes in spring summer. Feel more put together–and effective vs. the tyranny of the air conditioner. Just more comfortable to wear–it’s like putting on a work uniform.
Jeffiner
I’m in Texas, where the weather is very random. It was over 80 yesterday, 50 today. All winter long tights come and go depending on the temperature and what someone feels like that day. In meetings you’ll see some women with bare legs and some with tights.
Anon
Is it true that you can train your hair to not need to be washed every day? My scalp normally gets greasy in less than 24 hours, but the body of my hair looks so much better on day 2.
My hair is somewhat thick but it’s made up of a lot of fine strands and is wavy. I want also want to embrace the waves and stop straightening it on a regular basis but am unsure on how to let the waves work their magic – they often look haphazard and can get frizzy.
Anonymous
I have your hair and I found by finding the perfect conditioner, I can basically wear my hair down and still wash every day. I can’t go more than 24 hours and look professional. The conditioner is Kiehl’s fruit-acid conditioner in a jar- $25 which is ridiculous to me (I spend $20 on my makeup in total, for comparison) but that stuff is amazing.
Anon Probate Lawyer
I’m confused. So you DO wash every day? And use the Kiehl’s conditioner?
Anonymous
For me, no.
Confirmation came from my kids, who do basically nothing to their hair. One is visibly greasy by nightfall and requires daily washing (11, girl, puberty has started). The other is younger and can get by with every other day.
Anonymous
Also: I tried this over maternity leave and brought dry shampoo to the hospital BOTH TIMES. I am just too oily. My oily hair sees your dry shampoo and makes it into a nasty sludge that makes you not want to touch your hair (hair spray is so much better — the alcohol combats the oil vs mixes with it). I felt like an extra in Game of Thrones, and not in a good way.
anon
Yup, I did it. Best thing I’ve ever done. I did it on maternity leave when I didn’t want to wash my hair anyway and it didn’t matter to the bebe if my hair looked dirty.
Anon
That’s such a great time to do it! Unfortunately no absences from work planned. Does anyone have any tips on getting yourself through the transition while still looking presentable? Trying dry shampoo today but it doesn’t look great.
Also – I workout 4-5 days a week. Do you skip hair washing even on workout days?
Anon
You wear your hair in a bun while you train your scalp to not overproduce oils in anticipation of being stripped. It will look greasy for probably a month or more but will not be noticeable with your hair up or pulled back.
Try switching to every other day with hair pulled back day two, then slowly expand to every four days. It’s great.
Also, do you use a decent moisturizing conditioner or at least try a cleansing conditioner? Your body won’t overproduce oils if the scalp isn’t stripped dry.
Anonymous
My hair is a cat. It cannot be trained to do anything, especially something that would suit me.
Anon
Yeah, I just don’t think “training your scalp” is a real thing.
Texan In Exile
My hair is a cat. It cannot be trained to do anything, especially something that would suit me.
I see you have met cats.
Anonymous
I work out 3-4 times a week but I try to time my hair washing to coincide with my workouts and use dry shampoo after the lightest workout. I wash Saturday mornings after pilates, Monday nights after hot yoga, and Thursday mornings. I use dry shampoo after my Friday lunchtime fitness class. I use a shower cap at the gym shower when I don’t wash my hair.
Anon
I made this transition recently (well, within the last two years). Once I stopped regularly straightening/washing, I found that I could go longer between washes (even when I got blowouts or whatever). I basically warned my colleagues that I might have a month or so of my hair looking jacked up while I did some trial and error. I found some hair stylists that specialize in curly hair, and one of them gave me a good walk through on products and maintenance. The frizziness has gotten a lot better once I did that – I wash once a week, do a mask once a week, and co-wash with conditioner in between. I also use some curl infusing products that work for me in terms of volume and boost.
anonymous
Yes. I used to wash my hair every day but now only do it every few days. Get a good dry shampoo and apply it at night before you go to bed. I’ve heard good things about Living Proof. I just bought a bottle but haven’t tried it yet. As for the waves, you may need to curl some pieces with a curling iron.
anon
It worked for me. My hair used to be greasy by the end of the day. Now it looks better on days 2 and 3 than right after I wash it. By day 4, I need to wear it up or wash it. I used dry shampoo while my scalp was adjusting, but I don’t need it anymore.
Anon
Thanks all! Only looking to move from every day to every other day so hopefully the transition won’t be too terrible!
MagicUnicorn
I wash mine with just water every day and had basically zero transition period. I don’t use conditioner or any special rinse products, and made sure my styling product is silicone-free. It was a non-event too just stop using shampoo. My hair is shiny and feels healthy, and is so much easier to style now. It’s been great.
Cal
This. Shampooing your hair less often doesn’t have to mean letting sweat and dust sit in it
anon
OMG, just wash your dang hair. I feel like if skipping washes really worked for your hair/scalp type, you’d probably be naturally doing that already.
Anonymous
I don’t know that that’s exactly true. I spent my college years washing every day and my first years working doing every other day and thinking that was such a stretch. I now only wash once or twice a week. Even through workouts (I work out early, blow dry the sweat, and then dust with dry shampoo post-shower and curl). I will say though, I know I’ve been able to get to this point because I have thicker hair and it’s not super oily.
Anon
Yes! I want to see if maybe I’ve been doing it all wrong for years!
I learned all of my beauty habits from my mother, but she’s a) not into this stuff so doesn’t put much thought or effort into what she does and b) we have totally different hair/skin/bodies. My mom has the thinnest hair I’ve ever seen, it’s blonde, stick straight and in her mid 50s she can count all of her gray hairs on one hand. Whereas I have thick, wavy, dark brown hair that started going gray when I was 21 (my hair is totally my dad’s).
Also, I’m mid 20s and my skin is (finally!) getting less breakout prone (and so producing less oil), I’d imagine that the same change is happening to my scalp (and the less oil buy just as frequent washes probably explains my recent uptick of dandruff!)
Anonymous
No. What you are doing is training yourself to get used to living with dirty hair.
anon
I’ll admit it; I am just so not on board with this trend. Dirty hair has such a distinct, gross smell. Especially if you work out, just … ick.
Anon
This, and FYI to all the folks who have made this transition – we can tell: your hair looks dirty and you often don’t smell so great.
Anonymous
+1. I don’t understand why it’s apparently become a badge of honor to go around with oily, clumpy, messy, stinky hair.
Anonymous
I have your hair and workout schedule. My solution is a pixie cut that I can wash every day and blow-dry in less than 5 minutes.
Anon
For me, yes. Thick dark hair. Washed daily until about 5 years ago and I would get insanely greasy by the end of the day. Out of convenience, vs a deliberate strategy, I went to every other day and had no issues (eventually). Then, I went every third day, knowing that day 3 might be a bun or something else, not just straight down. I’ve been shocked by how my hair has morphed over time, but it is working for me.
BTW I also work out nearly daily and sweat like a beast. I, too, blow dry and dry shampoo on tweener days. If I have a big important meeting and want to feel super fresh, I will wash more frequently.
Anon
I don’t think it is, or at least not for everybody. I tried and my hair just looked like crap.
Coach Laura
In my 20s and 30s I had to wash it daily, but in my 40s I dropped down to 3 days a week and now it’s 2. I would suggest trying to transition on vacation and/or in the winter.
anon
so many non-believers here!
I also used to think “training” your hair to not get greasy after a day or so was a fable. I washed and blow dried my long hair everyday and thought this was how it had to be unless I wanted it to be an oil slick. Then, however, my job got insane for a few month stretch during which I just had gross hair and washed it very infrequently due to lack of time (joys of biglaw). completely unintentionally, this did actually train my hair. When I emerged from the busy period, I found my hair wasn’t getting greasy on day 2 the way it used to…. I now wash it 1-2 times a week. No, it doesnt smell and no it doesn’t look dirty. After workouts I shower my body but keep my hair in a towel and then dry shampoo. Not sure if this is at all helpful but just saying yes it’s possible in my lived experience, even if it hasn’t worked for other commenters.
Another anon
100% true. I would start with getting your hair wet every day but only using shampoo every other day. And then stop washing and just use dry shampoo. Then add a third day once your scalp has gotten used to shampoo only every 2 days. I’ve gone from shampoo every day to now every 4 days. I work out 4 times a week and I just let it air dry (or blow dry the sweat) and it’s fine. It takes some time to get your scalp to adjust, but it’s so worth it. I can’t tell you how much time it’s saved me.
Anon Probate Lawyer
I can’t do that with my hair (also fine, but lots of it and wavy) but I am happy using a cleansing conditioner (no shampoo) almost every day. I only use shampoo maybe once or twice a week. It looks and smells clean, but my hair is much healthier than when I was drying it out with shampoo every day.
anon
RetinA
How long does the peeling last? I read you need to use it consistently for two to three months to see the full effect. Is it that long before the peeling stops?
Also, can I use my Clarisonic to get the peeling off? Seems wrong to me for some reason but would be so nice.
January
I have heard 2-3 months, but be aware that Retin-A just doesn’t work for some people. I can’t use it because the peeling never stops, sadly.
Anon
Retin-A is just too harsh for me. I switched to retinaldehyde.
Anonymous
Which one do you use?
Anon
I’m currently using Osmosis Calm. I am a bigger fan of the product than the brand (or the price) and would be open to switching. But I’m happy with the product, and my very sensitive skin has never reacted badly.
anne-on
+1. I was literally at .009 tret in my curology prescription. Peeling didn’t stop, but also, weirdly it didn’t help with acne? Ugh. I just use OTC differin now which I tolerate better.
Anon
It took me about six weeks and very consistent moisturizing for it to stop (I’m talking over hydrating by drinking water and using oil or a heavy heavy cream as my moisturizer at night). Even now if I go to bed without putting moisturizer or light night oil on top it will be flaky in the morning, but just in a couple of patchy areas.
anony
Are you using prescription strength?
Then talk with your doctor. There are different formulations that are milder.
Also the doctors never warn you enough that some people have a lot of sensitivity/peeling. I gave up on Retin-A in my 30’s when my primary care doctor prescribed it for my acne and didn’t teach me how to use it properly. I only restarted it in my 40s when I finally saw a Dermatologist who gave better advice, and then I went online and read about what to do if peeling.
I have to wash my face, let it dry, then apply a light moisturizer and THEN use my RetinA. ONly a tiny less than pea sized amount of retinA. Carefully applied a little at a time, as a very very thin layer over the whole face. Any clumps/poor distribution, that area may peel. Then I apply my night-time moisturizer. In the beginning, I used it only once a week for 1 month. Then twice a week for 1 month. Then every other day for 1 month. Then daily. Pull back if your skin cannot tolerate any increase in frequency. I use it only every other day in the dry winter months.
As your skin gets used to it, you can modify how much moisturizer you are using. Some people use only one moisturizer, either before or after they apply the RetinA. Some people mix their retinA with their moisturizer and then apply.
NEVER use clarisonic at the same time. Much too harsh.
CostAccountant
Start out with every 3rd day mixed with moisturizer.
CostAccountant
Plus one – what anony said.
Anon
I cut it down with lotion and use it only two or three times a week. I was doing it full strength every other day and the peeling didn’t stop.
I would definitely not use the Clarisonic, I think that would hurt so bad!
Anon
It takes a ton of trial and error. Buffering with moisturizer is an absolute necessity for me, and layering multiple thin moisture products (K-care style) works much better than just one thick lotion.
Some people respond better to the gel formula than they do to the cream formula. Even if you don’t change the concentration, you may do better with the opposite formula.
Physical exfoliation of any kind (scrubs, sonic brush, etc) wreaked havoc on my skin. The only gentle-enough way to get the peelings off is to double cleanse at night with oil, and rub the peelings down during the oil step. I would do this anyway since the oil is what gets the SPF off, but it does take a bit longer to work all the crumblies away.
Also, I wash, moisturize, then wait a minimum of 30 minutes before applying tret. Any wetness left on the skin when applying tret guarantees flaking and peeling. Some people wash and moisturize right when getting home from work, then do tret right before bed.
Despite all the aggravation, I think it’s worth the hassle. I didn’t see a major change until 8-9 months in, and then overnight I had that “tret glow”.
EM84
I have been on Retin A for 4 months and saw immediate improvement of acne and smoothness of skin. Peeling stopped after 2 weeks. I was a hard user of BHA and AHA before, which may have had an impact.
EM84
I am applying first a layer of a moisturizer, wait a few mins and then apply my 0.1% Retin A.
Paradox
I am very curvy in the seat/thigh area and often have to take in the waist on even curvy-cut pants.
Then I tried on sheath dresses lately and my stomach is very prominent, almost problematic in figuring out sizing.
How are both things possible at once?!
Anonymous
You can have a belly and a waist
Anon
I am built like this as well. On me, if a dress is too tight in the seat, it will end up clinging to my stomach and give me a pooch. This also freaks me out because I really don’t have a stomach, etc. But it’s really from the dress not fitting well in the hips.
anony
I have your body shape.
Sheath dresses are not that flattering for us. And require extensive tailoring. And show too much booty for my work-place. And honestly, are not comfortable for all day wear, in my opinion.
And if you are a pear like I’m a pear, I spend a small fortune in reconstructing a fitted dress with my tailor and then eat one donut or chinese food and then my butt swells and my perfect dress is no longer perfect.
Anon
I recently found out this is the result of a tilted pelvis. It’s not that you necessarily have a pooch but you have an angle between your legs and your torso that looks like a pooch when the dress is too tight. When I get this in a dress I really want I size up in petites which usually works if the dress is long enough (which thank goodness they have been longer the last season).
Brown flecks in white suit
I took my cotton blend white suiting jacket from Banana Republic out of the closet for the first time in a year and it has irregular brown flecks, almost like a very teeny tiny coffee stain (less than 0.05 inch) all over the fabric. I may have missed them when I bought it, but is this something that sounds like it may have developed in the closet? I didn’t wear it at all since I bought it, and the flecks are in odd places (including back of the jacket).
Belle Boyd
Is there a chance you may have sprayed something while you had the jacket on? Perfume? Hairspray? If you did and didn’t think of it and put the jacket away, the residual spray could have caused those stains. Try getting the jacket cleaned — be sure to point out the stains to your dry cleaner — and see if they come out.
And a word to the wise as it comes time to switch our closets over — wash or clean anything you’re storing away. Perfume, deodorant, makeup,and hair products can all leave residue on clothes and create stains or discoloration in storage. Ask me how I learned this lesson. :(
Anon
What are your best tips for when you hate cooking and are low on time but still trying to be healthy, eco friendly and on a budget?
I eat vegetarian about 70-80% of the time and rely on rice/quinoa that comes in microwaveable pouches and steam in bag microwave veggies. Between the extra plastic and the fact that I’m sure eating food microwaved in single use plastic is terrible for me id like to find alternatives … but I HATE cooking and am trying to stick to my current grocery budget of $40-$60/week. I already meal prep but honestly it’s my least favorite task each week!
I’m pretty sure it’s a somethings gotta give situation but figured I’d ask
Anon
Do you have a rice cooker or instant pot? The rice in the cooker can be used throughout the week and will get cooked while you’re doing other things, so not much extra time. Instant pots are also great for cooking dry beans, lentils, etc. However, there’s a financial outlay associated with getting both those things. I would maybe keep an eye out for people selling theirs, if cost is an issue.
Anon
Just have a crock pot but have been thinking about an instant pot! Totally fine with that kind of financial outlay, just don’t want suggestions of weekly meal delivery etc
Ribena
I often find that I have to pick two of the three (healthy, eco, and budget) – three of four if you add ‘easy’ to the list of attributes. I like to batch cook easy things (mainly the kind of dishes in The Roasting Tin by Rukmini Iyer or on Smitten Kitchen) and then freeze them in single portion Tupperware to take to work for my lunches.
For evening meals, I do canned soup with bread, or something out of the freezer, or just baked beans on toast.
Anonymous
I’ve started doing more sheet pan dinners. Pick a protein (non-veg so I use chicken/beef/fish but you could do a veggie sausage), a couple veggies (eg broccoli/potatoes/carrots/cauliflower/Brussel sprouts). Chop everything into 1 inch pieces while oven heats up. Drizzle liberally with olive oil, toss on salt, garlic, pepper, other spices to taste, Roast for 20 mins at 400. I love having something in the oven vs on the stove top because I can go do other stuff like throw on laundry or pick out clothes for the next day while it roasts.
anon
I’d start by buying bulk rice and quinoa and making it on the stove top or in an instapot or rice cooker. A huge bag costs a few dollars and lasts months. You’ll save a few dollars per week just on that step, and it won’t take any more active time.
Anne
Invest in a great set of glass tupperware and make a huge pot of rice at a time. Store it in the fridge in the glass and then you can just microwave it without worrying about the plastic. Also – make big slow cooker dishes (I really like vegetarian ones on the budget bytes website) and eat them several nights in a row.
Anonymous
Usually once a week I will make rice or quinoa the old fashioned way and use that as a base for fried rice, burritos, sushi bowls etc. I will also make big batches of things like bean chili and freeze those in single portions for easy meals. But really you just gotta do it. I found I liked cooking a lot more when I became a good cook.
Anon
We make a stew in our crock-pot on Sundays and when it’s done, we make a big pot of brown rice in our rice cooker. We spoon the rice into individual glass meal-prep containers (available pretty much anywhere these days) and put the stew in a big glass food-storage container. Then in the mornings, we ladle the stew over the rice, add whatever else looks good depending on the type of stew it is (could be fresh cilantro, sour cream, sriracha, chopped onions, etc.) and pop it in a lunch bag. Microwave it at lunch for 2-3 minutes. We put meat in our stews but there are some good meat-free recipes on Budget Bytes and other sites, that work well for meal prep. Investing in the containers and rice cooker, crock pot etc. can be a little expensive but it saves tons of money over the long term.
Katie
Soup? Trader Joe’s in the TetraPak boxes are great, easy, and other than sodium, I feel like they’re reasonably healthy.
Anon
You can just make rice in the microwave without a special pouch.
Cal
Honestly salads. Make sure you have a protein (beans, seeds) and a fat (nuts, avocado) and then chop up whatever veggies are on sale. I usually have instant oatmeal with fruit for breakfast, a giant salad for lunch, and one actual cooked meal for dinner (rice/pasta, roasted or stir fried veggies, grilled tofu or stir in black beans).
Anon
You can take the frozen rice or quinoa out of the plastic pouch and microwave it in a bowl. Just put a small plate over the bowl to cover. Same effect. Doesn’t solve the issue of single use plastic but it solves any concern you have about microwaving food in plastic.
Blueberries
My secret is making a lot extra and freezing.
Rice, farro, and wheat berries all freeze well after being cooked. Not sure about quinoa, but WF sells a frozen bag, so that probably freezes well too.
Lentils with vegetables freeze really well, as do vegetarian curries and pasta sauce.
If you want to cut down on plastic, mason jars are great for storing food you’re going to freeze. If you don’t already have jars on hand, I recommend getting wide-mouth jars that hold 1-2 portions (so they don’t take too long to microwave).
Anon100
1) invest in a rice cooker of some sort. a pressure cooker probably does the job too. this will free up your time actively watching it, be in a pot or in the microwave. just put the rice and water in the cooker, hit a button, and you’ve got about 20-40 minutes of your life back depending on how much rice you’re cooking. also, as another poster mentioned, buy bulk bags of rice/grains – it’ll last you a while.
2) veggies – i find stir-frying or roasting them the fastest and easiest to do while the rice is cooking. alternatively, what about fermented vegetables that you can use to pair with grains and protein? kimchi is my go to, but ymmv. stuff that you can buy a big jar of and then just take it out of the fridge and add to your meal.
3) do you have access to a microwave at work? i personally hate salads (raw g
4) time management – i hate cooking too, but in order to meal prep i force myself to take a 3 hour block on weekends to cook. listen to a couple podcasts while prepping and cooking, and also try to get in a load of laundry. i’m single, so i do have to do all of it myself. if i can, i’ll try to cook a big batch of marinara sauce or curry on the weekends, then freeze it for later use.
Coach Laura
Combo of meal prep, instant pot, salads and quick things like quesadillas and French bread pizza. I like Pinch of Yum’s freezer meals, about half of which are vegan/vegetarian. They take almost no prep, very little chopping etc. Just mix and freeze or mix and put in instant pot. https://pinchofyum.com/freezer-meals
Cold weather commuter rail
I’m a delicate flower in the SEUS, but formerly a NJ resident (so cold damp winters and commuter rail). I will be visiting my MIL and have a .75 mile walk to commuter rail where I will wait on a platform for the train (then 5 blocks to walk in the city). I’ve never done this in work clothes before. Should I wear fleece leggings and boots and then change into black tights / shoes at the office? I hate hate hate just standing still while the wind blows through me and I freeze, but don’t want to look like the Michelin man all wrapped up (and with scarf + hat + neck gaiter). What do you ladies wear? [Envying people who use transit that is not exposed to the elements; subways rock but platforms are the devil.]
Anonymous
What I see people wearing in this situation is long black down puffer + black tights + boots. The tights and boots are worn all day.
Anon
+1. Long black down puffer for the win!
PolyD
Why does it have to be black? How about dark gray or, I know I’m nuts here, olive?
Coach Laura
I am trying to get away from black, especially for commuting because it is less safe than a lighter color. So grey is good because it still hides stains. But I always wear a light scarf like pale pink or pale purple when I’m wearing black.
Anonymous
Are you going to the tundra? In 40 degrees I wear normal shoes and tickets, and a hat and scarf. No neck gaiter needed.
Anonymous
I feel that I am (or like when I am commuting in the dark and it is 18 degrees out, I don’t care that it gets into the 40s in the afternoon). I can remember feeling warmed up once I had been walking 5 minutes or so, but then freezing again on the platform.
Anonymous
My other reply may have been eaten, but it’s the 18-25 degrees in the dark that is just COLD to me (not always, but often until April and I need to pack for that). And then freezing on the platform.
anne-on
+1. Tights plus knee high boots, and a long (knee length) coat are usually the solution. If you have a dedicated office/drawer most women have ‘work shoes’ stashed in the office. In truly nasty weather (sleet, rain, snow) tights and snow boots are less annoying to deal with than pants and the slush that inevitably splashes up the backs of your legs. I’ve been known to wear a pair of base layers under a skirt with wool socks and swap into tights in the office if necessary. In truly cold weather/heavy snow everyone kind of gives up and just does the best they can.
Ribena
I just saw that MM Lafleur are lending clothes for free to any women running for office this year. I just think that’s really darned cool.
Never too many shoes...
Right? I loved that email so much.
Anonymous
I like the sentiment, but the program is not realistic. How are the candidates supposed to look polished in borrowed outfits with no tailoring? There is no such thing as business clothing that fits anyone off the rack without tailoring.
Anon
This comment is pretty extra. I get very little of my business clothing tailored and in speaking to friends and coworkers I know they’re not getting much tailored either. If you get everything you buy tailored, congrats on having it like that, but your situation is not the norm.
Anon at 11:22
I have always had to have all my business clothes tailored, starting with the interview suit I bought in college. Even when I was making peanuts in my very first job. It is 100% necessary for me. If you don’t need your clothes tailored because you have the body of a fit model, congrats on having it like that, but your situation is not the norm.
Anon
LOL, I definitely do not have the body of a model…I do zero in on the brands and lines that fit me well without alteration, and buy petites when I need to. Reading downthread, seems like most people are in the same boat as me.
Anonymous
Not a model, a fit model. As in the supposedly “average” woman whom the clothes are designed to fit, but who does not actually exist.
Anon
Anonymous at 2:52 – sweetie, I am a size 14. I don’t have the body of any kind of model. I still don’t have to get all my clothes tailored. Most likely you don’t need to do that either, it’s either a habit you’ve gotten into that you can’t break or you aren’t shopping at stores designed for your body type. Or you do it because it makes you feel special. Whatever the reason, women don’t “have” to get their workwear tailored.
Ribena
Maybe not perfect, but better than not having business clothes at all!
Anon
I think you’re not being realistic if you think most candidates running for office would have the ability to even get tailored professional wear. Nancy Pelosi, sure. A woman running for state house? Nope.
Anonymous
Lolz what? I tailor nothing. And running for school board I don’t need to.
Anon
I know I’m pretty lucky with my size and build, but I’ve never had professional clothing tailored (except length for pants from Theory) and most of it fits me absolutely perfectly. So while yes, many (most?) women need their clothing tailored, the “no such thing” idea is… incorrect.
Anonymous
What? Speak for yourself. And yes, I do have the build of a fit model (did that for fashion students when I was smaller), but I exist. The fit model shape is meant to be close to typical, not a unicorn.
Anonymous
I might have to start being one of those perpetual candidates. Did they specify which office?
Never too many shoes...
The email said any public office – from the House to town council.
Anon
I know you’re joking, but running for office just get free clothes would definitely not be worth it. It’s hard!
knope2020
It’s a great thought, but it would be illegal for federal candidates and state candidates in most places to accept!
Anon
They could just report it as a donation, though . . .
Blueberries
Interesting! Anyone know how this works with campaign finance law? Would it be an in-kind contribution (and reported as such)?
Anonymous
This is how I would do it.
Anonymous
I like the spirit of this email, but I don’t think it would work from a campaign finance standpoint (even at the municipal level in my state, we have extensive reporting and regulation) and from a presentation standpoint.
I ran for municipal office last year in a small city (under 100K), and I tailored everything. I was the only woman candidate out of 5, and critics online and off picked apart my appearance, from clothes to hair to body to makeup.
I bought clothes on clearance at Macy’s or Lord and Taylor and tailored them.
Anon
For those of you who are homeowners and/or looking for a home, what would you do if you couldn’t find a home that is just right in your price range? I’ve been looking for months and hubs and I can’t agree on the size or price point – he wants bigger and cheaper, I am more realistic and want slightly more expensive and smaller. His compromise is to just move to the suburbs which…is not an option for me. He’s never lived in a suburb before and doesn’t understand how mind numbing long commutes + nothing to do can eat at you, and the nature of his job means a commute can vary between 20 minutes and two hours on a given day so remaining central is key.
At this point, he’s digging in his heels and refusing any home other than a brand new build in a far flung suburb which I think is unreasonable. In housing situations impasses like this, do you try to make further compromises or give up on home ownership and just rent for life? I’m not sure how to proceed.
Ribena
Could you rent in a far flung suburb to see how the commute affects you both? Have you managed to understand why he wants the larger home? Is it a floor space number he’s looking at or does he want something that typically only comes with larger homes, like a garden? (Thinking of jobs to be done theory – when I was hunting I dialled right down into what I wanted and realised that my priority wasn’t a second bedroom, so much as a room that was neither my bedroom nor the room I would eat in – so I ended up with a large one bedroom which has a separate living room and eat-in diner)
Anonymous
I wouldn’t even with this. I’d book a room at an Extended Stay Hotel (so it’s more homey and has a kitchen) just on a F, S, S, M and experience 2 weekdays worth of commuting and one weekend and see if that doesn’t kill the mood. All housing decisions are inherently compromise choices and you generally spend time or spend $ or both and still aren’t happy.
I don’t think you need a month of hating the commute when a day or two will tell you if you have the sun in your eyes for both rush hours (common if your suburb is west of your city — e.g., Richmond, NYC, VA suburbs of DC), although the awfulness of that can vary by season depending on when you leave work (late fall I I had to vary my commute time or go blind). For this reason alone, I favor northern/southern suburbs or driving from the east vs driving from the west (at least in the northern hemisphere).
Anon
OP here. I don’t need to rent in a far flung suburb to see what the commute will be like. Having grown up in a suburb, commuted from one briefly, and using g-maps to see what the commute time would be informed me that it would greatly affect my mental health. I work long hours and get anxious and road-ragey when I drive long periods. I can’t do an hour drive home at 8 at night after a 10 or 12 hour day. What kind of life is that?
I have not drilled down exactly what he wants. Part of it I think is a “keeping up with the Joneses” issue as lots of his friends are buying huge suburban homes on large lots and he thinks that’s the life he is supposed to live with a movie room, game room, and big yard that he’ll never use or take care of. My focus is on “what works for who we actually are, not who we want to be”- which is two urban professionals who go to movies, museums, plays and comedy shows during the week, never cook, never go in the yard we have, and only use three of the five rooms in the home.
Anonymous
HE doesn’t know that though. This is really to help him figure out if what he thinks he wants is really do-able. I wanted a perm once. Bad decision, but easier to fix than a bad house purchase.
Anon
+1. Don’t even try those commutes. They’re terrible (ask me how I know).
anon
And that all makes perfect sense but you have to get to a point where you and your husband can come to some sort of agreement. That means doing a couple of days of the commute and drilling down on what he finds attractive in the suburb homes. Just saying no means you just keep fighting
Anonymous
OK, this is more than a house issue, this is a lifestyle issue. I live in the ‘burbs and I love it at this stage in my life — we have kids, they go to the neighborhood public school, one takes dance with her school friends and I hang out with the moms at class that are now my friends (cliche as this sounds), we all belong to the same health club and pool. It’s a lifestyle. The city is close and we go in for dinner every couple of weekends and for the museums, zoo, etc. But we’re not city dwellers. That said, we were. And pre-kids that was awesome. The house is just a manifestation of ya’ll needing to figure out what kind of life you want.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
These neighbors also exist in cities. I know because I live in one. My kids walk to their neighborhood public school. There’s a pool and dance school within a 5 minute drive, and I can be downtown for dinner in 10 mins. Our house wasn’t on the market though when we bought it and the house next door also sold by word of mouth. In the really good city neighborhoods, the stuff always sells off market. Why deal with people coming through your house when you can sell full ask off market?
Anonymous
Anon at 11:59 – that’s totally true in my city, but I just can’t afford the $$$$ that takes in my city. And we’re dual high earners. You need trust fund $$$ in my city to do what you described. Or to have bought 10+ years ago.
Anonymous
This is a major lifestyle difference and values disconnect. I’d stop shopping for a house and work through that.
Anon
I think you’re right about that one. The thing is, we operate pretty well in our current lifestyle. I think it is closer to a “this is the life I want to/think I should have” versus “building a life around who I actually am”. I grew up in the suburbs of my current city so I’m going in with open eyes whereas he’s only done “tiny town” and “middle of an urban metropolis” and doesn’t appreciate how distance between work, home, and play can change your life.
anony
+1
Maybe he needs to rent a McMansion in the burbs and commute in for a month during the days, stay with you in the city on the weekends, and learn what his life would be like.
The expense and time suck in maintaining those huge homes is really high, and people underestimate this. Just the heating/cooling/electric/lawn care etc.. alone. Nevermind that a lot of the new contruction is not actually built well or to last.
Another compromise is living somewhere in between where you can commute in by public transportation, for your sanity.
I totally sympathize, as I am just like you. I live as close to work as possible, as I can afford. And realize I live pretty simply and don’t need all that space that you feel you need to then spend a $$$$$ in furniture costs to fill up.
But I do worry a little about differences in values you have with your partner, and his inability to appreciate your side. He sounds…… immature.
Anonymous
This. We have a smaller house in the city because we sail or ski on the weekends with our kids. Interestingly a lot of neighbors are second or third generation wealthy and do the same. Big houses in the burbs either require the house to be your life and your life in the burbs, or a lot of staff to maintain, and then you have to manage the lawn/pool/gardening guys and interior staff. I have zero time for that.
Anonymous
Disagree — this is like mansplaining commuting. Just b/c one person has done it, doesn’t mean the person who hasn’t is wrong or doesn’t get to have their preferences. It’s an opinion and opinions are not things that are wrong. They are subject to revision, but generally not by being lectured to.
anony
Yes, but these opinions reflect different values. That this the crux.
Anon
I disagree this is about maturity and more about figuring out what you both want together. His preferences are valid too and a lot of people would say suck up the commute because plenty of people have long commutes (and we aren’t even talking the variabilities of traffic in LA or 2 hour public transit commutes in NY). I don’t know that you’ll find a house that ticks all your boxes and all his boxes and is affordable but I think you can each figure out what your top 2-3 wants and find the best crossover. I would stop looking at your problem as zero-sum between his wants or your wants or dismissing his wants.
Anonymous
Have him live the suburb life for a while. Try out a 2 hour commute. Drive an hour out and back on his way home every day for a week. If you’re planning on having kids, write out what that schedule looks like if a long commute is involved. Try living that schedule for a few weeks.
I’m pretty picky and it took three years to find the right house so looking for a few months doesn’t seem that long. Plus the market usually picks up in the spring so you may yet find what you are looking for. You will both have to compromise. I wanted something newer and with a double garage, but location was the most important factor to me so we’ve done a reno and we have a single car garage.
Anon
This is a good idea, thanks as we’re planning for kids in the one to two year horizon. I actually think realizing that we’d both be an hour + away from future children in an emergency situation might snap him back to reality. He’s very family oriented.
Anonymous
I would definitely talk to him about schedule with kids if he’s family orientated. Even in a 9-5 job, you have to drop off at daycare first, then do the one hour commute to work. That means a drop off at like 7:30-7:45am so you can commute by 8am to arrive at 9am. Reverse that on the way home, leave at 5pm on the nose to pick up at 6pm, then get home and baby is usually ready for bed by 7pm- 7:30pm max. And that’s working a strict 9-5pm schedule.
Getting a nanny doesn’t solve this because a nanny is only 40 hours a week, and then you have to pay overtime. So that means offsetting your schedules and there is still to the commute to work so with a 8 hour work day and an hour commute each way, you see an awake baby for maybe an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening.
A one hour commute each way is 10 hours commute time over the week. A 15 minute commute is 2.5 hours of commuting. Literally 7.5 extra hours. Almost an entire work day extra to spend with your kids.
Anon
+1. This is one of those things that’s hard to visualize until you are in the thick of figuring it out. See if there is a way to talk to people with small kids or people who know people with small kids in these far flung suburbs he wants to live in, and see if you can find any where both couples are doing long commutes to the city for their full time jobs. I bet he will be surprised how few are doing this, b/c it is so hard to do with the child care hours. (Likely someone is a SAHP, or works from home, or happens to have a job near said far flung suburb). And for those that are able to make it work, find out how and if that is something you would even be able to do (i.e. maybe their parents live really close & do mornings, etc. etc. etc.). That may open his eyes to how unsustainable his plan is with kids, and assuming he isn’t going to push for one of you to stop working should help answer that.
Anon
If the commutes are unpredictable, then your life with kids will not be sustainable. If daycare closes at 5:30 and commutes can be up to 2 hours, that means that one of you leaves work at 3:30.
Also, you do not need a house with an infant! We have a new baby and live in a 1,000 square foot, 2 bedroom place, and it meets our needs. (Another bedroom/den/office would be nice, but that’s about it.) You need the big house when the kids are older or you have more than one kid.
pugsnbourbon
The unpredictability of commutes is a HUGE factor. I remember reading an advice/psychology column – maybe it was Dan Ariely?- where he made the case that long, unpredictable commutes are a significant source of long-term unhappiness. I’ll see if I can find it.
Anon
I have a partner and two kids and we live happily in 1,000 square feet, 2 bedroom house in a VHCOL area. Would it sometimes be nice to have a bit more space? Sure. Would I move to a less desirable location or take on a bigger mortgage for it? Absolutely not.
anon
If you’re going to TTC within 1-2 years, I’d actually continue renting for a few years.
First, it may be good to have a big pile of cash for unforeseen pregnancy or child-related expenses.
Second, you may find that your lifestyle changes in the first few years of having kids, especially if you have more than one. DH and I lived in a 2-bedroom place in a relatively urban part of our city before we had our son. By the time Kiddo turned 3, I was going crazy with the lack of storage (stuff everywhere), the single bathroom, and the lack of yard. Similarly, my SIL and her husband bought in the relatively urban neighborhood where they’d been renting just before they started TTC their first. They’re having their second next month, and in December they moved to a larger house in a close-in suburb for a more family friendly neighborhood, and they exchanged the pool for a backyard.
Assuming there’s inventory in the close-in suburbs, there are a lot of advantages to a suburban lifestyle once your kids are around preschool age. That said, I’m talking about a 20-minute commute, at most, not an hour-long commute. And 3BR/2BA or 4BR/3BA houses that are 1800-2800 square feet, not mansions with separate game rooms and movie rooms.
Anonymous
“I’m talking about a 20-minute commute, at most, not an hour-long commute. And 3BR/2BA or 4BR/3BA houses that are 1800-2800 square feet, not mansions with separate game rooms and movie rooms.”
This is basically what we have and I really think of it as ideal with kids. My sister has an hour commute and a McMansion. She’s not home enough to use the movie room or the game room.
Anonymous
Honestly, I’d rent until you have kept your career and your sanity once you have a 1YO assuming you have a 2BR or enough space now where you are (and know what child care you like and can afford). Build up cash b/c in a bidding environment, you’ll need to put in a good offer on even an iffy house in a good school district (or budget for private school).
If there are new builds where you are, there will be newer builds and it may be harder to sell a big house you don’t want when there is a bigger/newer one 5 minutes away.
I have a small old house in Arlington VA and if it were on its last legs, I could sell it in a minute and probably get a bidding war on just the dirt. It’s not 3000+ sq feet with a 2 car garage, but it’s walkable to the metro and restaurants and in a good school district (there are better, but Mommy works and this works for our family).
If your spouse values peaceful space, eventually you could buy a weekend place out of the city, so you could have a “both-and” life eventually. You really need to survive year 1 with a kid before you really know anything for sure.
Anon
If you’re TTC within 2 years and then you think they should wait until the kid is 3 to buy, that’s like 6 years from now. There’s no reasonable need to wait that long. They can just as easily move to a different house during the toddler stage if they buy than if they continue renting.
Anonymous
To clarify, I mean live the suburb life by staying in your current location but him driving the commute time as if you lived in the burbs.
Good for you to protect your mental health. There are lots of studies that back up the connection between long commute times and poor mental and physical health.
Anonymous
Before you can agree on where and what type of home to buy, you need to establish a shared vision of your lives as homeowners. What will your day-to-day reality look like? Do you want to be able to have a car? Can you deal with on-street parking? Mowing a lawn? Shoveling snow? Raking leaves? Finding out that your old urban dream home has faulty wiring, asbestos, and lead paint?
Honestly, it sounds as if you are digging in your heels just as much as he is. “His compromise is to just move to the suburbs which … is not an option for me.”
And FWIW, being a perpetual renter might not be such a bad thing. We would have come out ahead financially and in a lot of other ways if we had never bought a house and had just rented for the past 15 years instead.
Anon
This is a good idea. A lot of what you mentioned is answered by the nature of our city. Two cars are a must as public transport is not an option, no snow or harsh weather to deal with. And gravely out of code housing isn’t that bad of a problem as most of the housing stock is 1970 or younger. But writing out a list of what living in XYZ type of home will look like and cost is a good idea – to sit down and think about it methodically instead of “aimlessly ponder” is a good idea.
Anon
No advice but we are the same person married to the same man.
Anon
I think it would be a mistake to buy if either of you is unhappy with the house. In this case, I’d probably try renting your preferred kind of housing and then trying renting his preferred kind of housing and see if you can come to some kind of agreement about which is better or if there’s something you can compromise on (medium house in inner suburb?). I’m sorry, this sounds tough.
Cat
I’m guessing he’s thinking “well if we’re giving up city living ANYWAY, why still feel like we’re cramped? We might as well get a bright shiny new house and tons of space in trade.”
I’m on your team here as a giant house with a giant yard just sounds like a giant headache. Can you use g–gle maps to show him the associated commuting time? Time it will take to drive around for errands? Time it would take to get back into the city for a dinner date?
Anonymous
I was with you until the last sentence of your first paragraph (“He’s never lived in a suburb…”). You say that the burbs aren’t an option for you and then you list only reasons that HE shouldn’t want to live there. If YOU don’t want to live there then focus on that. It’s not productive to tell him you know what he wants better than he does.
Anon
Good advice, thanks.
DCR
To answer your question of what to do if you can’t find the perfect house, my answer was to reset my expectations. I’m in DC and housing is just so much more than I’m used to. It took a long time for me to reset what an $X house should look like for the market. And, for what it’s worth, none of my friends have purchased perfect houses, even those with $1M+ budgets. If you are in a hcol area, you just have to set a budget, decide on your priorities, and give on some stuff.
But your actual issue is with your husband, and I have no advice on that since I purchased when I was single.
Anonymous
In my situation I’m the breadwinner so saying no is pretty easy because my husband couldn’t get a mortgage without me. But on a more pragmatic note you should have him do some “trial commutes” and see how he feels about the drive on a regular work day. Personally new houses are a nope because they are just so ugly and poorly built I can not get behind them, plus I loathe suburbs.
Anonymous
That does not sound like a healthy marriage.
Anon
Perfection is the enemy of good enough. I have a friend who will probably never find her house because her list of must-haves simply don’t exist at her desired price point and she’s unwilling to come up the $150-200k it would take to get there. She’s fortunate in that her husband doesn’t much care.
You’ve got a communication/negotiation issue with your husband that’s going to make it even tougher to find a sweet spot. What about larger/further out appeals to him. I’m team “close in, older, smaller and well built”. My dealbreaker is poorly done remodels, additions and upgrades (which sadly, exist in both older and newer houses).
annienomous
We’re actively house hunting right now, and it took a very long time for DH and I to get a point where we’re in general agreement about price/size/location. At the suggestion of our realtor, we took some time to look at houses at different points on our budget spectrum (and getting a rude awakening about the realities of moving back to our very small hometown. Thanks to the homeowner telling us all the latest gossip about her neighbors, we realized that wasn’t the world we wanted to live in.)
Not sure how you overcome this huge of a disparity, but I think going to look at all sorts of houses is a good place to start. Maybe making the drive to the farflung suburbs will help him realize how out of the way it is? Maybe make a day of it/see a few houses in the area and try to have a nice lunch somewhere/”get to know the neighborhood” to really get a feel for what it might be like to live there.
Anon
If he wants a bigger and less expensive house, is he looking at older homes or homes with fewer amenities? If it is older homes, does he understand the maintenance costs and time?
If the issue is amenities, can you compromise (ex., install marble countertops and new appliances in an old home)?
Is the issue the layout of newer homes? If that is the case, I can tell you from personal experience that layout trumps square footage. Unless he wants a billiard room, you are generally better off with a better design.
Anonymous
OMG yes, layout and storage trump square footage. We have a 2000-sf home that consists of many tiny rooms. It is totally non-functional for entertaining. The dining room won’t hold a table large enough to seat more than 6, and neither the living room nor the family room has space for seating beyond one tiny couch. We don’t have a real laundry room, just a closet, so we have to hang laundry to dry in the bathroom which is terrible if you’re having company.
If we had half as many rooms that were each twice as big, we’d have plenty of space.
Anon
When my husband and I buy a house, my ideal would be the 1,900 square foot house my grandparents built: master bedroom suite with 2 big closets, linen closet, and nice bathroom; laundry room that has enough space for an ironing board and a nook for an office; two bedrooms with closets in a suite with a guest bathroom; open floorplan entrance, living room, and dining room; kitchen with a small table for informal eating.
Anon
What are all those rooms? Bedrooms?
Anonymous
4 bedrooms, family room, kitchen with breakfast nook, formal dining room, formal living room. I’d much rather have 3 nice-sized bedrooms with decent closets, a laundry room, and one big great room downstairs.
Anonymous
This. I’m only at 2700 sq ft but my BFF just bought a 2000 sq ft restored older home and the reno is so well done and well laid out, I’m jealous and I’d trade the sq ft that I have in an instant.
anon a mouse
I strongly encourage you to consider the extra costs associated with living further out. If you have a 15-mile commute, if you valued it at the reimbursement rate of 57.5 cents/mile, you’re looking at a price of $345/month. For one car. Not to mention the time commitment and the mental load.
I say this as someone who strongly prioritized a close-in suburb and a smaller house. The mental load of having a variable commute should not be underestimated. If you knew it was reliably a flat hour every day, that would be different. But a highly variable commute like you describe will dominate your life — and as others mentioned, becomes wholly unsustainable with kids unless you plan to get a nanny or an au pair.
Anonymous
Hi all, I am mid-thirties and now that I am done with nursing and pregnancy I wanted to get more serious about skincare- I am currently alternating a vitamin c and a retinol at night (the ordinary brand), as well as using a serum, moisturizer, and sunscreen in the morning. I recently got a facial on vacation and the woman suggested a chemical peel as the next step, but my only experience with them is watching the sex and the city episode where Miranda got one and wouldn’t go outside. She suggested looking for a PCA brand peel in the area where I live so I could get them every few months. Any suggestions for a reasonably priced (what is a reasonable price?) chemical peel in the DC/NOVA area? Or advice or wisdom or warning tales? TIA
Anon
More serious? That’s already a ton of face stuff.
What does your dermatologist have to say? The derm office seems like the best place for reputable recommendations.
Anon
I agree, plus more is not always better. OP, what is it that you’re trying to address?
Mexico City
Heading to Mexico City with my partner next week. Have all the big things researched and planned (Museums, ruins) – would love any tips on your favorite things to do or places to eat. Staying in the historic center and then La Condesa. Thanks!!
BabyAssociate
Seafood at Contramar is a must! It’s not far from La Condesa. Taquería Los Cocuyos in Centro Histórico (pretty sure they’re open 24 hours).
Anon
I’m blanking on the name but the well known churros place is totally worth it.
I’m so excited for you! I went for a weekend in December — the anthropology museum and teotihuacan were amaaaaaazing.
M
La Pitahaya in roma/condesa area was literally the best vegan meal I have had in my life
Anon
Was there last month and absolutely loved it! Stayed in Condesa, loved walking around that neighborhood and had so many amazing meals there and in Roma Norte. We caught live jazz at Pata Negra bar in Condesa and I think there’s live music every day. Orinoco tacos in Roma Norte was delicious. Best French toast I have ever had at Lalo (also Roma Norte). The churro place is El Morro; outlets around the city and I went multiple times it was so good. If you’re already in the historic center, check out Pasteria Ideal just to oogle the cakes (make sure you go upstairs).
I wasn’t that excited by the Coyocan area, although I did like the market there. If you’re already in that area, hop (by Uber) over to San Angel. Much cuter and calmer, Mercado del Carmen was a hip new food hall, and there were other excellent restaurants in the neighborhood (Restaurante El Cardenal was delicious). Strongly recommend skipping Xochimilco unless you’re with a large, rowdy group and want to day drink on a gondola; it was boring and awkward with a small, quiet group on a quiet weekday.
Uber (including Uber Black) is the best way to get around. I didn’t have time myself, but several people I met in Mexico City highly recommended Airbnb experiences. One did a cooking class/market tour and the other did a taco crawl with the TacoMensch (I looked the guy up on Instagram, I was so amused by the name).
Annie
If you’re able to swing the cost and land a reservation – Pujol is amazing. You sound covered on museums but the Rivera murals at the Secretary of Education are free and an unbelievable gem. Definitely Uber, I’m a huge public transit when I travel fan, but the $2 to uber everywhere incredibly easy and is a better deal than the $0.25 subway fare. Stroll through the Bosque. If you’re there on a weekend, maybe it will be a cicloton which is amazing!
https://www.lonelyplanet.com/mexico/mexico-city/in-location/activities/a/nar/19cc8746-885c-4ca9-b11d-9ebbc4f6c77d/361544
Anonymous
No. What you are doing is training yourself to get used to living with dirty hair.
Anonanonanon
I have a colleague who recently got a promotion which will require her to split her time between our smaller SEUS city and Washington DC. Her birthday is coming up and a group of us thought about getting her some gift certificates for great places to eat or drink in DC. Suggestions, especially for places that might allow for online gift card purchases? Thank you!
PolyD
Jose Andres’ ThinkFoodGroup offers gift cards you can buy online, good at all his restaurants. Neighborhood Restaurant Group also offers gift cards – restaurants include Iron Gate, Birch and Barley, Hazel, and a few others. I think these two cover a decent range of very good restaurants in the DC area, but others might have more ideas.
BabyAssociate
These are good recommendations. You could also consider Fabio Trabocchi Restaurants
TrixieRuby
What are people thinking about Mike Bloomberg? (if this is too political, please scroll past.) In the spirit of Tr0mp has to go, and choosing someone who can win, does that boil down to Sanders or Bloomberg? I am struggling with Bloomberg’s horrible reputation re: POC and women, and Sanders “too far left” positions for me/our country. But, Bloomberg could be the guy to oppose Trump in Nov. 2020 who can win. Thoughts?
Anon
I hate them both and don’t think either can win, but will vote for whoever the Democrats nominate. But it’s absolutely killing me that in such a diverse field with so many women and POC, we have two old, sexist white men – one an avowed socialist and the other a billionaire who is buying the election – as the last men standing. I don’t agree with them on everything and could make criticisms about all of them, but I would be happy and proud to vote for Elizabeth Warren or Amy Klobuchar or Pete Buttigieg or Joe Biden (or many of the candidates who’ve already dropped). It’s just devastating to me out of the talented field we got stuck with these two as the last men standing.
Panda Bear
I’m in the same boat as you – struggling on Bloomberg and Sanders. I’m not really happy with either of them, but my god I do not want four more years of Trump. I’m so bummed that Warren hasn’t had a better showing so far. Or even Biden (who is also a candidate I’m not energetic about, but who I thought would at least be popular enough to oust Trump). We have a Super Tuesday primary and I still don’t know who I’ll vote for.
Anonymous
I didn’t realize he too is pushing 80. I’m all in on Amy.
Anon
Given the current field, also all in on Klobuchar. I’ll support whoever gets the D nomination, even if they’re not the best, because they’ll be better than the alternative.
Lily
If you are “bummed that Warren hasn’t had a better showing so far,” why aren’t you committed to voting for her? Your position makes no sense. We need to stop voting based on how we think other people are voting. Please!
Anon
She has one vote. Lay off.
Anonymous
huh? we all have one vote…
Anonymous
BBG has been awful but he’d be better than Trump and his record on those issues would probably actually help him flip some Trump voters (think purple states where the white voters are pro stop and frisk).
Sanders is also not great for women. I’m still troubled by how he failed to deal with issues in his 2016 campaign workers and how the female workers were treated by their male colleagues. As a govt employee, that makes me uncomfortable. But I’d vote for anyone over DJT.
Anon
I don’t really think he can win against Trump. Hope I’m wrong if he ends up being the nominee, but I just don’t see the excitement, the grassroots fundraising strength, the consistency/honesty factor, the appeal to non-elites, etc. I think Bernie can go all the way (and before we hear that tired Bernie Bro trope again, please read this: https://www.salon.com/2020/02/09/the-berniebro-myth-persists-because-pundits-dont-understand-how-the-internet-works/)
Anon
I know so many liberals (myself included!) for whom Sanders is way too far left, let alone the moderates and the never Trump republicans we’d need to flip!
I’m mid 20s in the Northeast and 95% of people I know my age are liberal. I know one person who supports Bernie.
My entire family has (thankfully!!!) soured on Trump but would probably only vote for Biden, Klobuchar or Buttigieg. Warren and Sanders are too far left for them. Some relatives are simply never Trump Republicans and some have left the Republican Party and are now Democrats.
KW
I understand the recent polling, but I’m still very skeptical that Sanders could win against Trump. I just don’t think moderate Rs in conservative areas will vote for a socialist, regardless of the actual meaning of the term or Sanders’ actual policies. I think they will hold their noses and vote Trump. Bloomberg? Maybe. Biden? Probably. A woman or gay man? Probably not. Sad as it is.
KW
Meant to add, and I don’t see the D nominee winning without flipping some conservative and/or purple areas. I don’t think someone like Sanders can energize enough new voters without flipping some Rs. But I could be wrong.
Anonymous
Disagree that those kinds of voters will vote Trump over Sanders. They won’t vote at all and Trump has enough hard core supporters who will turn out to oppose the ‘socialist’ which they view (incorrectly obvious) as basically communism.
Sanders is not motivating people who voted Obama in 2012 and Trump in 2016 to get to the polls. They’ll stay home, hold their noses for 4 more years and hope for a better GOP candidate in 2024.
Anon
Trump has over 90% support among Republicans. They aren’t holding their noses; “did not vote for him in 2016 but will crawl over broken glass to vote for him now” is the general consensus.
Anon
This is what I am seeing a lot of.
Anon
Yep. I don’t know many Republicans but the ones I do have contact with are extremely happy with how things are going right now. They do not see a need for change and all are planning to vote for Trump in 2020.
However, I just read a really interesting article this morning about how the financial markets are underestimating the impact Coronavirus will have on global supply chains and productivity, and top analysts feel the markets are running on nothing but hot air and wild optimism right now. So we’ll see how happy everyone is when the markets finally wake up to reality, crash horribly, and the economy follows suit. I’m going to guess that people like our guest commenter who loves Trump because her portfolio is doing great are fair-weather supporters who will sing a different tune when the market crashes and half her net worth is wiped out.
Anon
+1
Anon
I live in one swing state and am from another. It is really hard for me to imagine any candidates flipping Rs. I can definitely imagine moderate Rs being fed up enough to sit out the election, but that’s really different from voting D for the first time ever.
Anonymous
I agree with this. It’s not about a D candidate that will flip Rs, it’s about a D candidate who isn’t scary as to motivate Rs to vote for Trump. It’s enough if they don’t care about the D candidate and decide to stay home because they don’t love Trump and will tolerate the D candidate if necessary.
Anon
I don’t think people who still identify as Rs will vote for the Dem, no matter who it is. But I think Bernie would lose ex-Rs who voted Hillary. I know a lot of people who were moderate Rs pre-2016 who were Never Trump and ended up holding their noses and voting Hillary. They would vote for any Dem except Bernie or maybe Warren. Those people would obviously like Bloomberg, but I don’t seek him turning out the left. My far left Bernie Bro relative, who sat out 2016 (in Wisconsin arghhhhh) would not vote for Bloomberg but says he will vote for any other Dem.
They are the two most polarizing candidates for sure.
Anonymous
Agree with this. My parents are both very moderate republicans. My dad was so, so torn in 2016, but despite his extreme Never Hillary position was even more Never Trump. He voted for Obama second term only and those are the only two Ds he’s ever voted for at a national level.
My mom didn’t tell me who she voted for, which means she didn’t vote or she voted for Trump.
Neither one of them will vote for Bernie or Warren.* They would both vote for Bloomberg in a heartbeat.
*My dad would have voted Warren out of necessity to keep Trump out of office the first time, but as a wealthy white man about to retire, his portfolio is better with an R in office.
Anonymous
Sanders is not a socialist. I know it’s hard to hear the rest of the developed world shouting at you, but Sanders is not radical especially in comparison to his international peers.
Anon
Then he should stop calling himself that. He’s proud of the socialist label.
Ellen
I could see voting for Blumberg, b/c he was Mayor when I came back to NYC, but not Sanders. Sanders is just like the old guy on Saturday Night Live, and Dad says he is the kind of guy that farts all day and when called out on it, pretends that he did not do it. FOOEY on that!
Anonymous
I still have serious eye-roll on him for his war against Big Gulps. Like NYC doesn’t have real problems? It is totally worse under DeBlasio in a way that NYC will regret, but BBG is just so unlikeable. And he seems to be banking on “I am less unlikeable than Trump.” Based on bumper stickers (I now live in a super Tuesday state), he has the Range Rover vote locked up.
Anon
If you care about healthcare at all then Bloomberg’s a no go. He’d additionally crush any hope we have a reforming the system. Also, as a POC and a woman, the presidential choice has a very real effect on the well being of me and my community, not just a “oh no poor them, but I like X view so oh well”. so Bloomberg’s not a viable option.
Also, based on his very unsubtle scheme of buying his way onto blog mentions, random ads, and meme accounts – essentially trying to buy name recognition – there is a very good chance you work for Bloomberg so a decent discussion won’t even occur.
Anonymous
Hey I am interested in who you support, would you mind sharing?
Anon
I’m a POC and a woman but I actually find Bloomberg the best candidate in this race. He is a moderate and I see his closest competitor as Biden, not Sanders. The moderates will chose between him or Biden. And Biden’s track record on women (Anita Hill) and race is worse than Bloomberg. So I will make do with Bloomberg.
Anon
Buttigieg and Klobuchar are also moderate
Anon
Joe Biden is still in the race. He has my vote.
My impression of Mike Bloomberg is that he’s another billionaire trying to spend his way into office. I don’t think we need another one. As stated above, his record towards people of color and women is just gross.
Anon
I think Bloomberg is the only candidate who can realistically beat Trump, or even come close. As much as I would love to believe this is the year we can get a woman or a gay guy in the White House, in my heart I know that’s not true. What liberal folks in New York and San Francisco get enthusiastic about does not play in Peoria. Regrettably. And I do not like Sanders, never have and never will. He’s the liberal Trump. It would be Trump all over again, with different politics. Tweetstorms. Public juvenile fights with other politicians. Zero progress made on critical issues like fixing Social Security because Sanders will go all-in on Medicare For All and get nowhere in 4 years. I don’t think Sanders is into helping people as much as he’s into aggrandizing himself. I just want an adult in the White House, please, who can communicate without yelling and is interested in making real progress vs. staying entrenched in their narrow policy positions. Bloomberg is not perfect but there are no perfect candidates; Warren, Klobuchar, Biden and Buttigieg certainly aren’t perfect. Bloomberg is electable. That’s what’s important to me now.
Anon
Is he electable? It’s hard for me to tell. My personal flyover state feeling is that I feel very done with rich New Yorkers seeming to want to lord it over the rest of country. (I don’t know whether others feel that way or not, and feelings aren’t thoughts, choices, votes, or necessarily rational. But he sure doesn’t feel like an “enthusiastic turnout” candidate to me.)
Anon
Yeah, this. NY billionaires don’t play well in the Midwest. Joe Biden has all the same advantages (white, male, older, moderate) while having, or at least projecting, a much more blue collar background. If Bloomberg cared about defeating Trump, he would have poured his millions into Biden’s campaign. Instead he decided to run himself and will hand the election to Trump. I live in the Rust Belt and don’t think either Bernie or Bloomberg is electable, but I think Bernie is more electable here.
Anonymous
I live in NC and the only cars with Bloomberg stickers on them are noticeably expensive and my guess is are owned by ex-New Yorkers who remember him as mayor. I don’t think that homegrown folks are his supporters here.
Anon
Amen, from a fellow flyover state resident.
anon
Bloomberg is a less preferable version of Klobuchar in my mind.
Anon
That’s a really unfair and sexist comparison. One of them is working her a$$ off campaigning and debating and meeting people to talk about their problems, and the other is just buying TV ads.
Anonymous
This. Klobuchar throws things at subordinates. BBG tells them to kill their babies. Between the two, I’d go with the thrower b/c she seems to be at least non-sexist and non-racist in her abuse.
Anon
To me, choosing someone who can win means not choosing either Sanders or Bloomberg.
Ive been a Buttigieg fan for over a year now so he’s my choice but I’d be happy to support Biden, Klobuchar, or Warren. Obviously if it comes down to Sanders or Bloomberg vs Trump I’d do that but really really don’t want that to be the outcome!
We’re still SO EARLY on in the primaries I hate seeing people resigned to thinking they’re our only options.
Anonymous
Truly not trying to flame, but I am so done with centrist billionaire democrats (I will vote Blue no matter who is on the ticket). Reminder that the last one we ran lost. Yes, sexism was a huge factor, for sure. But I don’t think Obama-Trump voters will embrace Bloomberg. IMO Sanders is the only one that has a shot. I really think folks underestimate the enthusiasm of his base which transcends race and socioeconomic class.
Anonymous
He’s another old white guy who’s been in congress for decades and accomplished nothing. He didn’t have the support to win the nomination in 2016 and he doesn’t have the support now. He’s just as much an egomaniac as Trump.
Anonymous
Who is the other centrist D billionaire? Not Edwards (not a billionaire, dropped out early due to scandal).
Anon
Not trying to start anything but I’m intrigued that I frequently see Sanders supporters saying he’s the only one that could win. Most others seem to be of the mindset that there are a handful of people who could win in a general election and their vote for Candidate XYZ is because that’s who they prefer.
Likewise, there are many supporters of non Sanders candidates who think that he has absolutely no shot in the general.
Anon
And – I’ll admit that I fit into this. Buttigieg is my preference but I think he or Biden or Warren (or Klobuchar if she picks up steam) could win a general and I’d more or less be happy with their presidencies. I’m voting Buttigieg because I’m most closely aligned with his views.
From conversations I’ve had with people all over the political spectrum I don’t think Sanders Would get enough moderate support to win a general.
Anon
Definitely my impression is that it will be very, very hard for any candidate to beat the incumbent, and that factors into my concern over candidates that don’t seem to inspire much enthusiasm.
anonandon
+1. It’s not about flipping moderates, it’s about turnout. I firmly believe Bernie is the only one who can generate the turnout needed to beat trump. Honestly, as young person and a woman I have been saying for a year that I will hold my nose and vote blue in the general but like…. Idk if I can vote for BBG. He’s a slimeball.
Anonymous
That Bernie Kool-aid must be pretty tasty.
Across all western democracies, young people under 25 do not turn out to vote in large numbers. Bernie isn’t going to magically change a multi-decade voting trend if he couldn’t even motivate enough people to win the primary last time. Areas where he is popular are not going to make the difference in the election. No one is worried about enough youth vote in California because it will be blue regardless.
Anon
Ok by moderates I meant moderates across the spectrum (so moderate dems, full on moderates and moderate republicans).
With a nominee like sanders, you risk losing the moderate dem and moderate turnout.
Jeffiner
Everyone I know who is into politics is either a Republican or is so “blue no matter who” that it doesn’t matter if the nominee is Sanders or Bloomberg or Buttigieg or Warren. I am personally over trying to appeal to Republicans or moderates. There is a much larger block of people who vacillate between not voting and voting for someone they truly believe in, and I don’t know that Bloomberg could inspire those voters.
Anonymous
“There is a much larger block of people who vacillate between not voting and voting for someone they truly believe in, and I don’t know that Bloomberg could inspire those voters.”
Yes, these are the people I interact with frequently. They are my peers (although I am vote blue no matter who). This is why I support Sanders and think Sanders is the only Dem that will inspire turnout that MIGHT defeat 45.
Anonymous
Why would they turn out for him now when they didn’t turn out for him in 2016? Like obviously he wasn’t on the general ballot then but if they were inspired by him then, they could have voted in the primary. Likewise, if he’s alleged inspiring enough to turn out apathetic voters in the general, why can’t he make more progress with already engaged voters in the primary. The proof is in the votes, and if he doesn’t have a commanding lead in the primary, there’s no reason to believe he will inspire voters in a general.
Anon
I’m a moderate Democrat in a crucial swing state, and about half the people I know would vote for a moderate Democrat over Trump, but would not vote for Bernie. “Vote blue no matter who” seems to be a much more common position in deep blue areas, and you can’t win the electoral college with enormous Democratic turnout in SF and NYC.
Anonymous
Bloomberg has piqued my interest. I think he has the self-confidence and IDGAF attitude to hold his own with President Trump. He’s a very smart guy who has demonstrated his ability to run a large company and a city. I actually like that he’s a self-made billionaire — if he’s buying the election at least we know who’s paying for it. I don’t agree with all of his policies, but that’s true of any candidate. I could vote for him.
pity party update
I was the poster whose boyfriend dumped her because I wouldn’t fit into his family after I moved to his town. I wasn’t able to visit any of my friends, but 2 ladies in my cohort have really stepped up to be friends and hang out after they saw me crying in the bathroom before class. I still feel pretty awful and don’t know how long I’m going to keep feeling this way. I’m not sure what my goal of posting here is but thought maybe sharing here would help me process. I keep wondering what went wrong.
Anon
What went wrong? Your ex failed to disclose that he was a douchebag before you uprooted your life to be with him. That sucks, but it’s got nothing to do with you. I’m glad you found a couple of folks in your cohort. Sounds like you’re starting on the “through” part of “the only way out is through.”
You got this! Internet hug/fist-bump if you want one.
pity party update
Thank you
Anon
Big hugs.
Gently, you could spend the rest of your life trying to figure out what went wrong with the relationship and never get a satisfactory answer. If at some point, you get to a place where you can maybe talk constructively with your ex and get some closure, that would be great, but in my experience it usually doesn’t happen. I think it’s really important to remember that this was his choice and so the answer to why he made it is inside him; there aren’t any clues or cues or hints you’re going to be able to ferret out unless he wants to give them. This isn’t a puzzle you can solve and if you solve it, things will go back to being okay – because what he did to you is not okay. It is totally okay to go talk to a therapist about this – sometimes people think breakups don’t “qualify” for needing therapy but they absolutely do. It’s a loss and you are grieving. You need support in your grieving process and a therapist can help.
A long time from now, you will probably look back on this experience and realize that this guy did you a favor. As painful as the breakup is, it’s worse to be with someone who doesn’t love you and doesn’t really want to be with you. It’s also pretty awful to get married to someone and then later realize their family hates you/will never think you are good enough/puts you down/marginalizes your children etc. It’s okay not to be in that place of acceptance right now, but when I went through a tough breakup, keeping in mind that that day was probably coming helped a lot. I’m thinking about you.
Anon
+ a million to all of this! Especially going to therapy and “This isn’t a puzzle you can solve and if you solve it, things will go back to being okay”
This is very, very good breakup advice.
anon
I have sort of a second-hand seat to what it’s like to be the person who “doesn’t fit in with the family.” That’s my sister, in her marriage, which is at an extremely rocky point 8 years in and may very well end in divorce. Sister is the type of person who is friends with everyone — not exactly a polarizing personality. But her ILs treat her like crap and my BIL has a million excuses for their behavior. This is soul-crushing and not a life you want.
Anon
Agree wholeheartedly, from the side of the person with the dysfunctional family who chose her husband over them. Well, one person in my husband’s family is downright derogatory towards me, to the point where I feel really uncomfortable being around this person, and my husband is starting to establish boundaries.
The ideal situation is that everyone will coexist and have a good relationship. In reality, people are weird and not everyone gets along. But etiquette and basic courtesy are there for when you just don’t gel with people; that enables people to coexist when they have to coexist but would not if they did not have to. But when people refuse to behave themselves, you are best off identifying the troublemakers and cutting them out, lest their poison spread and create a mess with the people who can’t behave. Harsh as it sounds, there isn’t a world in which unfettered dysfunction does not hurt functional people.
pity party update
In hindsight, my friends did try to warn me about his family. But whenever him and I talked about it, he made it clear that he loved me and would draw appropriate boundaries when necessary, so I brushed them off.
Anon
Hug?
Anony
*hugs* I’m glad you have some people in your corner – you will get through this, no matter how impossible it seems right now.
Anon
Good job reaching out to your friends! It will take time but you will feel better. What went wrong is that this was not the right person for you. I know this seems far removed now but you will eventually thank the stars that you didn’t spend more time on this wrong person.
pity party update
Thank you all for the support. It feels weird to turn to internet strangers for this, but I sincerely appreciate it. I’ve read so many hard relationship posts on here from women that are so strong/kickbutt in the professional world, that I thought I might as well add my story to mix and ask for whatever support people are willing to offer. I’m afraid of how sad and miserable I am without him, but I refuse to ask him to take me back.
Coach Laura
I posted before and have the same comment. If you are not able to get to a good place in that location far from friends/family and continue with school there, and your mental health declines, please consider asking your advisors and professors to help you switch to a different grad school. You may lose a few credits but come out at the end in a better place. Good luck to you.
pity party update
Thanks for the advice. I’m wary of making such a huge change now on top of a big change, but I’ll think about it.
Salmon mom
How does everyone feel about buying counterfeit? I’ve resisted everything including illegal downloading for a longtime but there is an item I’d like to buy for $120 vs $2000. I’ve held out on doing it for a lot of reasons and just wondering where everyone else is at.
I buy local and I buy used when I can. This purchase would mean I would buy something vs not buying it at all (I wouldn’t ever pay full price).
It’s not a purse. XD
Anonymous
It’s intellectual property theft and stealing is a commandment. Like if G-d told it to Moses, it’s not even a new concept. It’s wrong and has always been wrong. If you want something for less, do it honorably. Honor costs you nothing and yet is priceless.
Anon
This seems like quite a claim. Was IP a concept when G-d spoke to Moses? (Would the composition process that produced the Old Testament be consistent with our concept of IP?)
Anonymous
Theft is theft. It’s not that hard.
And it’s cheap for a reason — not paying for environmental controls or decent wages or worker protections should make a lesser good cost less. If you’re OK with theft, are you OK with the rest of the baggage? Maybe you are.
Anon
I wouldn’t buy a counterfeit and don’t think anyone else should either. But I also don’t think it’s that cut and dry that, say, some BCE potter in Greek Italy is ethically immoral and should feel bad for producing imitation Corinthian pots or whatever. I’m guessing Moses cares more about boundary stones than a non-sedentist would. It seems to me that everyone has some things that belong to them that could meaningfully be stolen (even the average domestic dog probably does). I’m happy to grant that stealing is wrong whenever it happens. But it really depends on what counted as property in the first place. I’m not okay condemning a bunch of historical people to whom maybe it never even occurred that things like “IP” or “land” or “designs” were property at all.
all about eevee
$120 is hardly “cheap” for a purse or a watch or an item of clothing. Go check out a WalMart some time.
Anon
Wow didn’t realize we were all beholden to Gods law!
Anon
I agree that you shouldn’t partake in IP theft but using the Ten Commandments is an interesting justification.
Anonymous
I think the point is that “stealing is bad” is not a remotely new concept and that this should not be hard to figure out. Find any major faith — is stealing ever OK? Even in minor faiths? Even with my agnostic and atheist friends, stealing is wrong. And having a fake is also like lying to people: you are probably representing that you have the real thing. Which you don’t.
anon
IP law was invented in the 17./18. century and led to a blossoming of art and culture, among other things, because it became possible to make money with composing music.
Anon
I don’t know, sounds like you’ve already talked yourself into it.
Anonymous
It sounds like you’re looking for our permission to do this? If so, how many of us will you need to hear say that it’s OK before you feel good about it? What if 28 of us say it’s ok and 2 of us jump on you and tell you you’re a terrible person for even thinking it?
I’m asking those questions because you’re obviously conflicted. Usually that happens when one or more of our values are being crossed or violated. I’m not sure that how strangers on the internet feel about something should guide you.
Instead, I’d ask myself,
“Which of my values are in play here?”
“Which of them do I perceive are being violated by this purchase?”
Is that actually the case– they ARE being violated–or do I just feel that way?
If it’s actually the case, is that a decision I want to make?
Senior Attorney
Right. And if you decide that making the purchase violates your values, is it worth it to you to save $1,880?
anony
I’m mean, I did it when I was a teenager traveling to NYC on vacation, or to Asia. But the end result was usually a little embarrassing.
$120 is still a lot of money. And it will likely wear poorly/breakdown and you’ll feel guilty you paid $120 for it.
Anon
OMG this just reminded me that when I was a young and naive college kid on a study abroad in Spain, I bought a “gucci” watch from a nice man walking along the beach with a suitcase of watches and I had no idea it was counterfeit. I just thought that’s how people shopped in Spain. I was so young and dumb it was cute.
Eliza
No. C’mon.
Cat
No. Counterfeits are tacky.
Anon
I always wonder about this. As in, why are we protecting makers of luxury goods?
I get that IP infringement is illegal but this is not protecting low paid artists, it’s protecting big business CEOs so I’m morally ambivalent about this.
How many people make it through life without ever breaking a law (jaywalking, speeding, filing the wrong paperwork at the wrong time – life is complex)? While breaking the law isn’t good regardless of which law, it seems odd that buying counterfeit in particular causes so much moral outrage.
I also understand that some counterfeit goods are made through awful means, but so are many regular items we buy in regular stores.
I think these questions put me on the fence about this.
Anonymous
Don’t think of it as a luxury good. Think of it as the wages for employing artisans in first world countries with good worker protections and benefits and health care and a social safety net.
Anon
You don’t understand the concept of a Veblian good, nor how supply chains for mid-range goods work.
Anonymous
Veblen* good.
Anon
I thought many luxury brands had outsourced by now anyway (precisely to avoid paying for the things you listed).
Anonymous
I don’t and I don’t get the appeal. It’s very ‘keeping up with the Joneses’. I buy authentic or not at all.
Angela
I’ll just say that morality is doing the right thing every time. I’m sure that 99% of the time you go shopping, you don’t shoplift. That has no bearing on whether it’s acceptable to shoplift that other 1% of the time.
Senior Attorney
Right? Good grief.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
trashy… those of us with real ones are judging your fake [not a purse] from 20 paces.
tia, but i already know this is a petty comment.
Anon
If the morality aspect of it isn’t enough, also consider safety if that’s a factor (I’m a cyclist and am thinking of the knockoff ZIPP wheels that folks were buying a few years back). For many materials, structural defects may not be visible to the naked eye, but still be there causing safety and quality issues.
Anony
And consider how you are hurting the brand name’s reputation – if everyone decided to get the fake version, the brand would go out of business. If your fake ends up looking like garbage, people are going to think “wow such-and-such brand doesn’t hold up at all. I’ll skip spending money on that”. Just don’t do it. Save up and get the real one.
Anon
I honestly already feel weird about buying $$$ mall store brands whose bags and shoes are pretty slavishly inspired by $$$$ brands (or even Ikea knockoffs versions of designer furniture.) I comfort myself a little that I would never fit my stepsister feet into the genuine item shoes, but I definitely notice when someone is carrying the original bag and not the mid-tier alternative.
Anon
LOTS of good arguments for not buying counterfeit, but “the brand might go out of business” is soooo not convincing to me. Who cares. It’s capitalism, there will be a new one to take its place within seconds and what has that brand ever done for me?
Anonymous
I wouldn’t enjoy having a fake, so I wouldn’t buy it. I’d buy something else I liked instead. There is a particular $$$$ tote I adore and would love to have, but I don’t feel like spending that kind of money on a bag. If I bought a fake I’d always resent its fakeness and feel deprived. So I bought a $$$ tote from Cuyana that I love.
Anonymous
Fwiw, I spent $600 on a very high end counterfeit of a $5-$6k bag. It was a very complex process and the bag is flawless. I don’t feel guilty.
Anonymous
“Complex process” – like did you have to buy Bitcoin or smuggle it into the US in a body cavity? I’m not down with a felony that is also a lot of work.
Anonymous
lol easy felonies only!!
Anon
I have lots of friends that do this through pretty well vetted Chinese counterfeiters that make the bags on custom order for each client. Often they use the exact same vendors and sometimes even same factory to make the bags that the designers charge an arm and a leg for. There is a lot of back and forth communicating with the bag maker, lots of vetting the maker, making sure payments are valid, etc.
pugsnbourbon
Yeah I don’t get this either. $600 will buy you a REALLY nice bag – maybe even a custom, handmade, top-quality leather bag depending on where you are. It won’t be Celine, but then again, neither is yours.
Anon
Allow me to point out that the entire fashion world involves luxury makers developing new styles, which are then knocked off by lower-range manufacturers. Remember that whole “cerulean” thing from The Devil Wears Prada?
That said, I draw the line at fake logos and brand names. If it says Kate Spade, Burberry, etc., I don’t buy it; if it is the general style of those (plaid-lined coat, for example), I may consider purchasing it.
Anon
+1. I don’t buy actual knockoffs that use fake logos, but all of fashion is basically knockoffs of someone else.
salmon mom
ergh. I didn’t want to say what it is but here we go.
It’s basically a pin that if bought legit would retail for about $2000 but if I pay someone to make me the same pin with cosmetic stones it’ll run for about $200. So it would support a local artisan but be theft of a larger company’s IP.
And I’m still not buying it. I like the look of the specific pin a lot which is why I want that one instead of something else. I wouldn’t buy the $2000 version because I lose a lot of jewellery but I’d be okay with buying the fake. I think about commissioning a fake but then I don’t.
Anonymous
Is it trademarked?
Anon
Interesting example.
It’s not exactly rare that larger companies will steal designs from Etsy sellers and other independent artists who aren’t always able to afford to sue over it. Depending on the company, there may be some poetic justice here even though two wrongs don’t make a right.
Clementine
The word I would use here is ‘inspired by’. I would have no qualms about showing a similar picture of what you like for ‘inspiration’ to a local artist and explaining that you just want something with a similar weight/feel/vibrancy but costume jewelry.
Salmon mom
I just lose a lot of stuff and it is very hard to justify nice jewelry. I don’t even wear rings (I’m married) because I tend to lose them all the time.
Sure, many people would know that pin did not have real diamonds etc but I wouldn’t care. To the one person who got kind of weird about this – a lot of people you know don’t care if you know their stuff is fake. Like, I can’t remember the last time I wore a real diamond anything. Just not me.
Basically I want the pin. Anyway, I just won’t commission it. Maybe I’ll just happen to come across something similar :)
Cat
OK so this is different. I was thinking you wanted something that had designer logos, etc on it but that was not actually designer. I see nothing wrong with asking to have a similar piece made as costume jewelry, so long as you aren’t seeking to have the piece recognized as actually “real.”
Anon
I might trust the artisan to say what they can and can’t do in a case like this.
Salmon mom
haha yeah, I was hoping saying it wasn’t a bag would explain it’s not quite the same. Just got a quote for $140 for the pin from a small biz. (So I’ve made it further than I’ve made it before in commissioning this fake).
Still not going to order it but I do feel like it’s kind of different than buying a knock off purse on a sketchy website but I’m not going to try and pretend it isn’t a copyright issue. Like, it is a bad thing to do. That’s why I know I haven’t done it and I appreciate you guys telling me not to do it.
I am not a brand name kind of person. I guess if I saw a brand name thing at a thrift shop or was given one that was probably fake but I liked I might want it (who knows) but I don’t seek out brand names.
If you like jewelry some styles and settings are pretty iconic or sometimes you see a pin on a famous person or whatever and want something similar. It’s hard to justify buying full price if you’re very likely to lose the piece (haha).
Anon
I assume you’ve checked if it’s already out there as costume jewelry (Avon used to do a lot of costume jewelry alternatives, though I’m probably showing my age in remembering this!).
Salmon mom
I’ve looked for it and haven’t found it. I’ve made some posts about my life that are kind of distinctive so I don’t want to super out myself more by saying anything more.
My mom always liked broaches and pins so sometimes when I see a really nice one I think of her and want it. :) Right now I am not wearing a single piece of jewelry so I know regardless of what I spent in the end I would probably not wear it haha.
Cat
If you’re talking about, say, a Chanel pin — the design is so recognizable that having a similar piece made is basically a fake. No good.
Anonymous
weird question but as a lawyer there is a lot of close-talking in court. It seems like daily I am hit by someone’s REALLY bad breath. I’m sure I have been a culprit (or maybe I am a usual suspect! Who really knows!)… I’ve noticed often the people with the bad breath look otherwise clean, hygienic, etc (it’s not the old dude with stale coffee and cigarette stench). Are there any tips and tricks to avoid this besides basic dental hygiene? I’m mortified to think I may be unknowingly breathing fire on people like this.
Anon
I keep Altoids in my purse for right after I eat lunch. And just otherwise brush twice a day for 2 minutes each and floss (most of the time) in the evening.
Anonymous
Sonicare, floss, thera-breath mouthwash and lozenges, stay hydrated, no keto or low-carb diets, have an honest friend.
Anon
I wouldn’t worry too much if you don’t have any other reason to worry. You really may not be able to tell if someone has a relevant medical condition going on that just isn’t a factor for you (thrush, GERD, gastroparesis, IBS, dental issues, medications that sour one’s breath, the list goes on).
Sad
I was informed by my father this weekend that he has cancer again (after 15 years without) and that he is opting not to get treatment. The treatment options are pretty awful and he was barely able to get through the last round 15 years ago. He turned 75 today. I live about 4 hours from him and I’m the closest in terms of distance from our family. I anticipate spending a lot of weekends with him. For those who have helped as a caregiver for a terminal family member or friend, what are some resources you used? Any books I should read? I want to be compassionate and ensure that whatever he wants to do in the next/final months of his life he can. There are limited financial resources (he has been working in hard labor up until now – no retirement savings, only VA benefits/SS). What are some things I need to think about for managing my own life during this time. Really, any advice would be great. Needless to say, we are devastated but trying to be brave and strong. (Lots of crying, therapy, etc. planned/happening on our own of course)
Anonymous
start looking at hospice facilities now. In home hospice will be torture for you. You’d have to take leave to be a full time caregiver. But Medicare covers residential hospice. Get documents in order. Sit with him and hold his hand. Look at family photos.
I’ve been there
Just a heads up, when I was looking for hospice care for my dad in the DC area, there were zero hospice facilities that would take someone just for qualifying for hospice.
One non-profit hospice had a facility that cared for folks in crisis/actively dying (so stays were typically a few days).
Another hospice (a large for-profit company) said that they brought this level of care to the dying person when in crisis, but the reality was that they brought the lowest possible level of nurse (LPN?) and had no one with substantial medical training available to come to the bedside on the weekend my dad was in crisis.
Anonymous
Medicare does NOT cover hospice room and board: https://www.medicare.gov/coverage/hospice-care (but it will cover short-term respite stays). Talk to your (or your dad’s) local Area Agency on Aging for info on long-term care options.
NOLA
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have a lot of advice, other than to spend as much time with him as you can, doing whatever he wants to do and can do. Make special favorite foods for him and enjoy the time, as best you can. I was lucky enough, when my mom was sick, but before her cancer diagnosis, to have a job where I could work longer days and over every other weekend, then take a long weekend on the off weekends to spend with my mom. I had a longer drive (I think it was 6 hrs?) so we really needed to maximize my time off.
Anon
I’m sorry for your dad and you. Haven’t gone through this myself but I sure helped a lot of patients navigate that and seen the impact of pushing out important decisions. If not done already, taking care of all paperwork relevant to your state in terms of will, who can make decisions for dad be incapacitated, resuscitation/CPR, finances (who can do what, where’s the paperwork). Medicare covers nursing home visits for homebound patients as well as comprehensive hospice care. By electing not to pursue agressive therapy he’ll not only skip on the physical toxicity but financial toxicity of treatment as well. Help him find a great palliative care team that will help him manage his symptoms, improve his quality of life and some research shows even live longer. An oncology social worker will have tons of local resources and individualized suggestions on how to cope with this painful situation. Check your employer’s criteria for intermittent leave and spend some quality time together. Internet hugs.
Anon
I’m so sorry to hear this. Above all else, enjoy the time you have together.
If you’re able to swing it I would suggest outsourcing as much as you can. The last thing you want to worry about after working all week and traveling to your father on weekends is coming home and needing to do laundry, having no food in the house, etc.
Be kind to yourself – let your standards lapse. My parents recently each lost a parent within a few months of each other and it was just one long marathon of caregiving and grieving. I came to visit almost every weekend and no one cared that the living room wasn’t vacuumed or that we only ate wawa. Not ideal but it is what it is.
When he’s sicker and resting more and more give yourself permission to take care of some things during that time. Bring your laptop and sit in his room and use that time to catch up on things. If there’s times you can’t be with him (if an aide is bathing him etc), let yourself go get a meal, etc.
If he’s willing, get all funeral/burial/estate matters decided upon now. It will make your life much easier down the road if you don’t have to make any decisions then. If you have siblings, bring them into these conversations and get everyone into agreement. If there’s any medical or financial power of attorney get this settled well before it’s needed. Does he want a DNR? A living will? Any end of life directives? Settle these all sooner rather than later.
Anon
One last thing: get him to tell you stories about his life, family history, etc. Record him telling them or write the stories down. Ask the random questions (both about him and generations before). I really miss having older relatives who were the keepers of these stories and memories.
Anon
Spend time “being there” for him and tell him how much you appreciate things he’s done for you over the years.
Anon
I would recommend researching your options and rights in terms of working remotely and taking time off from work. An 8 hour drive every weekend is going to be grueling. Is there any way you can have him move closer to you or have a plan with family members who can each spend a week with him and rotate times with him?
Have a hard talk about DNR and DNI plans and make sure he puts them down in writing and truly understands them. I had a horrible experience with this in the end where my dad did not want DNR but the hospital messed up.
Also make sure you triple check any will or finances or inheritance issue that might come up. Make sure all siblings have face to face and clear communications with him, in addition to records and documents, about his intent. After my dad died, distant aunts and uncles came out of the woodwork to claim their piece of inheritance even though we thought the will was crystal clear. It was a headache.
Finally, figure out what is on his bucket list and make sure he experiences them. My dad always wanted to go to the Grand Canyon, but was too unselfish to express his wish. I should have booked and paid for a helicopter ride to make his wish come true (knowing how he would have complained about the cost if I were to tell him in advance). He always wanted a dog but did not want to add to our burden and so would not admit it, but he was intensely lonely. I should have gotten him a puppy. Also consider getting him a therapist or paying for therapy. A good book on dying is Five Stages of Grief. Knowing you will die soon is a very lonely experience. See if there is any group therapy in his area.
Make a plan to text him or call him about a time of his life, or family history, every night before you go to sleep. Have him answer you the following day and make sure to record it. This will become one of your most precious memories.
I’ve been there
I’m sorry. There’s lots of good advice here. Some other thoughts:
-You mentioned that your dad doesn’t have much money. If you have the money, you might want to consider an elder care firm to help you both assess options. I engaged one for the what ended up being my dad’s last week of life, but it would have been better if I had engaged them earlier. It’s really hard to assess hospice, assisted living, and nursing homes if you haven’t had to before. They don’t always live up to their promises and it’s hard to even know what to ask.
-I wish I had known that between pain, pain medication, and brain mets, it’s possible for cancer to make someone who was ordinarily always wonderful very much not themself.
-I’m glad you’re already thinking of therapy. You might also want to look into whether grief support in your area also provides grief support for caregivers of the terminally ill before death.
-Please give yourself permission to take care of only what is necessary. That might mean not driving to him as much as you’re anticipating now, or telling unhelpful relatives to pound sand. I experienced some unexpected awful behavior from relatives when my dad was dying and shortly after his death and it really increased the trauma of losing my dad.
Coach Laura
I would work on the VA side now and try to find a good hospice facility that takes either VA or SS. Maybe find a veteran ombudsman/ombudsperson (VA coordinator?). You will need a good facility and there are some, but they are hard to find in a crisis so it’s better to find one ahead of time. Best wishes to you in this hard time.
Anonymous
Support for you. That’s the best thing. find other people you can talk to about the logistics and the emotions you’re having.
Anon
DH bought me a lovely but very expensive bag as a milestone gift. Other women in my area use these bags so they are not out of step with my peers. I am conflicted about spending that amount of money on myself even though we can afford it. Bag can be returned.
What would you do? Keep it? I feel a little weird using such an expensive bag. Return it? I don’t want to make DH feel bad and there is nothing really wrong with the gift.
Senior Attorney
Keep it. My husband bought me a crazy-expensive watch for Christmas and I was a little conflicted but finally decided to keep it and love it and let him enjoy having given it to me. I’m glad I did.
(Also: My dad bought my mom an expensive ring once when I was growing up, and she insisted he return it and I swear their relationship was never the same. So there’s that.)
Anon
Thanks :)
Angela
Oof, your parenthetical breaks my heart a little. I think some men have the — understandable! — view of, “I work hard for this money, what’s the point if I don’t get to spend it how I want to and splurge once in awhile?” Whereas I think we as women can tend to be self-sacrificing, not realizing that our refusal to accept a gift that’s “for us” is actually telling the male giver that he isn’t free to spend his money the way he wants to. And it probably feels like a bit of a rejection.
Anon
Keep it! It’s a lovely gift and you can afford it.
Anon
Thanks!
Lily
I mean, do you like it? Is there another bag you like better?
Anon
No, there is nothing I like better and the bag is perfectly lovely. I just don’t spend a lot of money on myself ever and that’s fine with me so this feels weird.
Senior Attorney
OMG you are me. I actually talked about this in therapy, it felt so weird. And where I ended up was “the best part of this gift is how happy it makes my husband when he sees me wearing it on a daily basis.” YMMV, of course, but that’s what did the trick for me.
Angela
That’s where I got to on the ridiculously expensive (IMO, but affordable-to-us) bracelet DH got me for Christmas this year. It would have been a slap in the face to him to return it; he had a great time picking it out and was so excited to give it to me.
I helped cope with it by forbidding him from getting me a Valentine’s Day gift, so in my mind I “average” the ridiculously expensive cost of the gift over two holidays to arrive at a more reasonable cost-per-occasion. Maybe try to convince him to skip your birthday or anniversary gift this year for balance?
Anon
Thanks, both :) These are good points
anne-on
OMG keep it! He wants you to enjoy it!
I got a surprise piece of jewelry from my DH for Christmas and he was SO proud to give it to me and to have me show it off a bit to family. My dad also mentioned how proud HE was when he was able to get my mom a fur coat (yes, in the 80s) because it proved that he ‘made it’ and how much he liked being able to provide something that was such a trivial thing.
For better or worse there are some consumer items that men (and women) are told that mark when you’ve ‘made it’ (fancy watch, diamond earrings, tennis bracelet, purse, sports car, whatever) and I can understand in taking pleasure in being able to hit that marker for yourself/a spouse/child.
Anon
You know how you don’t spend money on yourself? That’s why you should keep it, not why you should return it. This is the one thing that you have that is an extravagance and is not necessary. Enjoy it.
Anonymous
Keep it. DH put a lot of thought into it and it’s a milestone. I’m still using the Prada bag I treated myself too on my babymoon about 8 years ago. It’s a nice memento of a happy memory. This bag is a celebration of your milestone. It’s okay to treat yourself sometimes.
BabyAssociate
Keep it, if you like it! Return it if you don’t, but don’t return it just because of the cost.