Coffee Break: Skinny Leather Belt

104 Comments

1. Should I buy an iron or a steamer, and why? Will mostly be using it for silk/satin tops, or polyester (like Express Portofino shirts), as well as work pants, and occasionally for my SO’s work shirts.

   1. A steamer. It is much easier to do damage or create unwanted creases/lines with an iron, esp. with the fabrics you mentioned. Plus you don’t have to drag out an ironing board with a steamer.

   2. If you have room, a steamer is perfect for most things, but I don’t think it’s going to do the job on a men’s work shirt if you want that pressed look. I like the $1-$2/shirt cleaners for this, honestly.

      My steamer is on a stand (it’s a Jiffy brand) and I would probably never use it if I had to get it out all the time, but it’s permanently standing around so I use it quite a bit.

   3. I can’t imagine not having either an iron or a steamer, whichever you prefer. I dislike wrinkled clothing and find ironing soothing and I think steaming takes too long to get wrinkles out, but I know people who think the exact opposite, like my MIL who can’t stand ironing and will only steam.

      There are plenty of good irons in the ~$30 range from household brands like Hamilton Beach and Black and Decker. I recommend one with a retractable cord.

   4. Steamer is great for silk and satin tops. No creases from the iron, lovely finish.

      For work shirts it depends on the size of the shirts and material. A cotton shirt that is large enough to work well with the iron and ironing board will look better if ironed.

   5. I use a small, hand-held steamer for practically everything. I have used it on a men’s dress shirt a couple of times and it came out fine – not as crisp as with an iron, but perfectly presentable.

   6. I only have a stand up steamer. I look so much more polished that I used to! I never iron anything. My husband does need crisp work shirts though.

   7. As a serious clothing lover, I have both – a steamer for delicate items like your silk/satin tops, and an iron for everything else. This is a storage space commitment, with an ironing board and a full-sized steamer! There are small hand/travel steamers available, and one of those might be really good for your delicate tops. Your SO can get his own iron.

   8. Both? Steamer for silk/poly tops and iron for work pants and shirts. Maybe just an iron if you can find one that has a button you can press to create a temporary puff of steam. I have occasionally used that feature to (somewhat slowly) de-wrinkle delicate garments like silk when I don’t want the iron plate itself to touch the fabric.

   9. My husband irons his shirts and I steam my tops.

2. Piggybacking off a conversation in the morning thread—ideas for dates that don’t involve drinking? I don’t NOT drink, but I find that it makes me sleep terribly, overeat, and contributes to major depression and anxiety so I prefer to have like, one glass of champagne for a special event. But if you’re going on multiple dates and every other guy wants to go to a brewery, it gets difficult fast. I have my own ideas, but they often seem disappointed and I also feel like I shouldn’t be always taking the lead on date planning….

   Related: Those of you who are dating, are you meeting outside? inside? Do you have a COVID or vaccination talk about safety?

   1. I’m dating. It’s the worst in the best of times, and these are certainly not the best of times. I always do a virtual date first, and have had vaccination conversations with every single one before meeting in person. No vaccine while being physically able to have one, and they’re out. Period. At this point we are just meeting on patios, but with my risk tolerance and the people I see on a day to day basis, I would be willing to meet inside potentially.

   2. Following with interest. I’m Muslim and actually don’t drink but am ok with a partner who does within reason. I too have felt the same outside my culture – if you turn down breweries and wine tastings, guys are disappointed; if you go to a restaurant and don’t order alcohol, some judge. I get it bc I’m obviously not such a devout Muslim -as I’m dating, outside my faith, don’t cover etc. so they expect I drink too – except I don’t. Ultimately I always come back to, look if they end up with me, they have to knowing going in that this is an issue; if it bothers them so much on date 1 or 2 then how will we live together for life with them disappointed that we’re not going to wine tastings?

   3. I like to suggest coffee or ice cream or our local food truck amalgamation on weekends. You can’t both not want to plan and just not like their ideas! I’ve found people volunteer that they are vaccinated and I’m fine with indoor dining.

   4. Possible ideas for dates (can’t comment on the dating now issue!): art museums, walking tours, sculpture gardens, painting class, bicycle rides, hikes, architecture tours, boat rides, kayaking, SUP, canoeing, axe throwing, archery, birding, plant identification walks, cooking class, pie eating contest, finding the best “of specific type” restaurants and comparing results, ghost tour, amusement park, trivia night, board game event…

   5. Zoo? Museum? Bowling? Nature walk? Kite flying? Mini golf? If a guy seems disappointed to go to Not A Brewery he needs to get out more? I’m married but I always preferred to be sober especially on early dates and if a guy had acted disappointed because I didn’t want to go to a brewery I would have wondered why he was so committed to that option.

      1. Again, it all is a 6 step male power issue we must avoid at all costs:

         1) Men get women to go into a bar; 2) men get women to drink strong drinks with them; 3) men make sure women get drunk; 4) men take drunk women back to their apartment; 5) men have unprotected s-x with drunk women; and 6) men leave apartment never to be heard from again.

   6. Mini golf?

   7. Can you try to meet somewhere where there are non-alcoholic options available as well?

   8. Mocktails or nonalcoholic beer could still be fun, no? Or are you afraid of being judged for not being a regular drinker? I would want to address this / get this out of the way right away – can yo explain you don’t drink often because you don’t sleep well, but you don’t judge your date for drinking?

      1. Very few breweries make an N/A beer. Some do go out of their way to be attractive to non-alcohol-drinkers, but it’s still a brewery, and in many states, there are laws in place restricting food and other sales.
         I get it – I used to drink, now I don’t, for reasons I probably wouldn’t get into on a first date. I absolutely would go to a brewery and have a diet coke with friends to celebrate a birthday. First date? Nope.
         OP, are there some local, inexpensive restaurants in your city? I’d go for Indian food, personally, since there’s something for pretty much every dietary need and preference under the sun.

      2. Assuming the brewery has these options.

   9. Tennis. You get to wear something cute and maybe get exercise. And can get something after but that doesn’t have to be alcoholic. Can be Gatorade.

   10. For first dates, coffee was ideal for me. You just don’t know before meeting someone how much time you want to spend with them. An afternoon coffee is easy to keep brief, but if you’re hitting it off you can let it turn into walking around or even dinner.

       1. Afternoon at a coffeshop near something walkable was my go-to for online dates.

   11. Walk in the botanical gardens, or coffee at a park bench, if you mainly want to talk. It’s great to have a setting that’s more side by side – having to look new people in the eyes sitting across a small table is needlessly intense for a first date.

       If you do want to go to a brewery, go to a hipster one that prides itself on their non-alcoholic beers and fancy sodas and ginger ales, like the ones from Athletic Brewing Co.

   12. options I’ve suggested and/or enjoyed:
       1. local museums (we have a small art museum nearby that I have yet to visit despite living here for 5 years…)
       2. afternoon coffee, if the date is going well, can turn into a walk at a nearby park
       3. ice cream if you have any local farms/creameries around
       4. local festivals (we have a local river festival, a halloween fair, etc)
       5. TopGolf or a barcade (as a non-drinker, I find barcades have better apps and less rowdy kids so you can actually enjoy the games)
       6. outdoor live music

       1. +1 to museums! Apple picking might be fun too.

   13. 23 years ago this month I was tired of meeting my match.com dates at bars, so I asked this one guy if he wanted to meet me in the town I live in and go for a walk.

       Reader, I married him.

       1. Love it!

   14. Common hobbies— I’ve done tennis, ropes courses, hikes for first dates. Also, maybe controversial but only go on first dates you’re REALLY excited about. As in, “I’m almost positive I’m super attracted to this person and we have a ton in common”, not “I’ll give it a shot.” That also brings down the number of drinking dates by default too bc it’s just fewer dates.

   15. Coffee, breweries where you know they have kombucha or similar on tap, walks in well-populated local parks, food trucks, bars with inventive mocktails, museums, mini golf, yoga or workout class, farmer’s market, bar arcade thingy place….anything other than “sitting down for a restaurant meal.”

   16. I would aim for the middle ground – a venue with alcohol but where the focus isn’t on drinking. Something like an arcade bar, a venue with darts or ax-throwing, bowling, a baseball game or college basketball game. For a quieter person, either a bookstore that serves coffee and wine or an ice cream or gelato shop could be fun too.

       But I also never had a problem getting guys to just meet over coffee. They should be eager to meet up – if they aren’t, cut them loose.

   17. I’m in my mid-40s, don’t drink, and recently re-entered the dating scene after divorce. My profile clearly states that I’m a non-drinker and that has seemed to weed out most of the brewery-going types up-front. I do a lot of dinner dates (at the guy’s suggestion— I’d prefer coffee or a (non-alcoholic for me) drink at a bar, but for whatever reason they keep suggesting dinner. Also, lunch/brunch, coffee, walk at the local beach. For second or third dates, hiking, but that’s a “know your comfort level” thing — I would only go into the woods with a relative stranger I feel really comfortable with from the start. Local outdoor festivals.

   18. My now-husband doesn’t drink due to the fact that he’s on daily epilepsy medication that can be hard on his liver. He planned a date that included a tour of a local chocolate factory – it was super fun! It hit the high points of a brewery tour (educational, samples)….but no booze.

3. Can you share what some of your coping methods are for mild anxiety? What do you do to get out of an overthinking loop and get on with your day?

   Have spoken at length with a PCP and a therapist and both have said I sound like a have mild anxiety if that, it may just be a touch more anxiety than is normal. Both said I don’t need therapy or meds (can try if I want but don’t NEED to) but I do need some coping methods/activities that help. Everyone I know just runs/works out all the time – I can’t due to a cardiac issue, walking and gentle weight lifting are ok but my body can’t run 3 miles or even 1 mile due to heart rate issues. Both suggested that it’s fine to turn on a favorite TV show or something but the main methods should be more focused on you not just zoning out on a phone or TV.

   As for what the anxiety is about — will I be stuck in this job forever vs but what if I go to a new job and can’t keep up; aging while single (41), who’ll take care of me; aging parents – how will I take care of them, it’s a lot; omg why has my stomach been so gassy or upset (like stress helps that); did I wash hands well after taking out the trash/bathroom etc. (yes this one is bizarre). Thing is I don’t spend most of my week or days worrying. But when it hits (often on Mondays IDK why), it’ll take up hours, I have an unproductive sort of day. And then I move on and the rest of the week is fine!? Had a physical and everything checks out but my PCP (female, same age as me) was very kind as she discussed it and said while therapy/meds are totally fine, her advice is that lots of these things are life worries that women (and prob all people) have and they set in in your 40s as your career options may change or your body hormones change and now you have stomach issues that you never did etc., but the best thing is to keep my body and mind in shape and work out some coping methods bc worries won’t end – like it’ll be a different set at 50 etc.

   1. I struggle with anxiety. Honestly exercise and healthy eating are my best coping strategies. Would swimming be a possibility for you?

      I also have a series of ten-minute meditations that I find helpful.

      My anxiety tends to creep up on me at home — change of scenery really helps. I’m lucky to have a nature trail right behind my house, but sometimes even just going to the grocery store helps.

      I have a few art projects that I work on. Acrylic pours are easy to teach yourself and anyone can do them. The process is almost meditative.

   2. I can relate to this kind of anxiety well, am also in my early 40s. A few things that really have helped with my anxiety throughout my 30s and now (I’ve never had medication for it):
      – yoga – i swear it really really helps. You can find gentle enough ones that won’t exacerbate your health issues. Yoga with Adrienne is perfect.
      – meditation generally – free youtube videos are sufficient for me.
      – reducing alcohol; a generally healthier diet (I cut out gluten for an inflammation issue but am pretty sure it helped with anxiety too)
      – reducing twitter time or news when my anxiety is about world events
      none of these are rocket science, apologies, but they have worked really well for me.

   3. I walk while listening to a “not too hard to follow but interesting” audible book. I find it forces my mind to stop wandering—every time I miss something I make myself go back. Sometimes when I’m feeling stressed I may listen to the same section four times, but eventually my mind settles. I also make sure I get enough sleep. If my mind is racing then, I listen to stand up comics or chatty podcasts until I fall asleep. I always feel better in the a.m. If it’s a Thing I’m worried about, I might make a checklist of things to do about it. Sometimes seeing that I’m already doing everything I reasonably can to control the situation helps give me the “freedom” to stop worrying. Also staying busy in a thoughtful but not stressful sort of way helps. I have to write with my job. Sometimes I’ll focus on banging out a quick article or do mindless web posting rather than tackle bigger projects when I feel like I just can’t get in the right headspace. If it’s really bad, then catching up with email or folder organizing can help. I once read that you should take things to the ridiculous extreme of what “absolute worst outcome” would be—in my experience this is horrible advice. I just wind up feeling more anxious.

   4. Honestly, I’d go to a different PCP AND therapist. “These are life worries” is just pushing you off, especially when from my lifetime of mild anxiety these are exactly the things I know make my quality of life lower and need to be addressed.

      In a very similar position to you, and a combo of meds and therapy was truly life changing. About 12 months of a low dose anti-anxiety gave me mental space to learn some coping methods. I went back on a couple of times during objectively stressful times e.g. things at a bad job escalating but no new opportunities for a while).

      1. Seconding this. I was hesitant to start meds because my therapist and PCP said it wasn’t necessary but my PCP offered to prescribe them if I wanted them. I did and it’s made a huge difference. I can finally sleep without waking up in the middle of the night with my mind spiraling.

      2. Agree with this. Second opinions for the win! Yoga and singing help me, too.

4. Is a week too much time to spend in Milan? How about 2-3 days in Milan and then taking the train to Florence? I’ve never been to Italy (or anyplace in Europe except London). Would love to take a quick trip in 2022 if the pandemic allows but it’d be just a 5-6 day trip max between jobs, so I want to go to easy places, not places where it takes 3 connecting flights to get there. Nor do I want a trip where I’m moving from hotel to hotel and city to city the whole time because it just isn’t that many days. My east coast city happens to have direct flights to Milan which is why that came up. But I said it to a coworker who was all – ew Milan it’s not that nice, so boring etc., but as I think about it IDK what this coworker considers a good vacation besides what SHE is doing (she’s generally like that). FWIW – I LOVE cities and architecture and walking around exploring buildings, shops, and neighborhoods and also have a thing for fancy hotels. So all the recommendations of fly to Milan and go up to Lake Como don’t do it for me. I mean maybe eventually but first I want to see the big European cities.

   1. Yes, a week is too much time in Milan. Yes, you’ll want to see the Duomo and go to La Scala and walk around, but unless you are super interested in luxury fashion boutiques it would be great to split with another city.

      The two hour fast train to Florence is well worth it! Florence is lovely, and very charming. I would rather do a week in Florence than Milan.

      And for a totally different city plan, architechture and mood, I think it would be worth it to have a short stop (40 min train ride from Florence, so day trip, or half way back to Milan) in Bologna. Bologna is very unique and unlike the other two. Red brick instead of sand stone, almost burrow-like with tunnelly lanes and mews.

      You could also go east instead of south from Milan, to Verona. Also two hours, but on the Venice line rather than the Rome line.

      1. I agree, Milan is the less interesting of all the Italy cities I have been. A couple of days maximun there and then move to Florence, from there you have around marvellous towns of the Tuscany region like Siena or you can go to Venice and you have Padua.
         I understand you are asking this thinking in your easy flight but If you want to see the big europeans cities and you neve have been in Italy I will put Rome first. No doubt. (But Florence is my favorite in the world since I saw “A room with a view for first time”).

   2. Yes! Go to Florence! It is so beautiful. It is compact enough that you can walk to everything. Hotel Pendini is perfectly located. Definitely get “skip the line” tickets to David and Uffizi.

5. I know this has been talked about recently but searching is failing me. I just recently switched jobs to a compromise job that is fine but nothing special. A position at my dream company just opened up. While I would feel horrible leaving my new job in the lurch, I absolutely have to apply for this opening. Do I address the new job in my application at all or just pretend it doesn’t exist and explain in the interview? I am an honest to a fault person – there’s no way I would make it through the interview without mentioning it.

   My other question is whether I should address how much I love their company in my cover letter. On the one hand, obviously they want to bring in people who are invested. On the flip side, I imagine anyone applying for this job is a fan – no one applies to work for the Yankees if they don’t care about baseball, right? Does it just go without saying?

   1. Yes, perhaps you could mention it in the interview briefly, or put it in your resume as non-relevant experience.

      I’m not in HR but I am not sure speaking to passion or love would work… it may also depend on the job. (Ie Yankees or teaching I could see it being useful for different reasons, but for a well-compensated/corporate job it could be too soft)

   2. See if Ask a Manager has something about this question in her info on cover letters.

6. I’ve been thinking about whether to have kids and one thing I’m a little stuck on is the fact that I hated being a kid. I didn’t have some kind of horrible childhood, but I resented the lack of freedom. A family friend once told me, in front of my mother, that I’d better enjoy being young because some day I’ll be 40! My mother responded, I think she’d rather be 40. It’s so true, I’ve been 40 since I was 8. I’m worried that I wouldn’t be able to connect with a child and that I wouldn’t give the child a very good life because being a kid just sucks. Has anyone wrestled with similar feelings?

   1. TBH, the people for just love the kid aspects of kid life past age 10 don’t seem to adult very well. I think I got a lot of early babysitting gigs before I was old enough to have a W-2 job and loved that I was basically given freedom and responsibility and it was great.

      My kids have been pretty feral this year with schools closed and me still having a job, so they have done OK with having lax oversight (even if they didn’t have total freedom). Maybe benign neglect on some days? But you parent how you want to and hopefully how it’s best for your kid.

   2. Haha my mom always says I’ve been 30 since I was 5 years old. I was an intense child haha. I honestly found it fun having little kids (though a lot of work also to be honest), but I got to pick the fun things we did for the most part!

   3. Hello from your fellow 40 year old 8 year old. I’ve been older than my age most of my life, until now in my mid fifties, I finally feel about my current age. I did have kind of a miserable childhood – my parents struggled financially and I had lots of anxieties.

      I have loved being a mom. I was kind of indifferent about other people’s kids but then I became an aunt and was pretty nuts about my niblings. Then I had kids and even though it’s hard work, often tedious, often frustrating, and can be very expensive, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I am 100% all in.

      That said, that’s just me. No one should have kids unless they really want kids. You should base your decision more on whether you really want to be a mother than on how you felt as a kid, because no matter what you do, your kids will be different than you in ways you can’t imagine. It takes having a kid to realize how much of their personality is just something they’re born with, and you couldn’t change that if you wanted to.

      1. I think I could have written this!

         I was an anxious kid. My childhood was…fine. Did I love being a kid? No.

         But I LOVE being a mom. And this is after being more or less indifferent re: other people’s children. My kid is hilarious, very sweet, and curious – she finds joy in, like, everything. I wish I could take credit….but I didn’t do that – that’s just part of who she is.

   4. Me. I was born 40, am now 40, and love being a mom. Caveat: my husband was also born 40 and our one child is, unsurprisingly, a lot like us.

7. Does anyone else have that coworker that is either not paying attention or totally high jacking a meeting? Today’s version of Jekyll and Hyde has decided he’s going to run the whole meeting and talk about what he cares about vs the general check in topics as designed.
   He is part of the leadership team but is such a steamroller.

   1. One of my colleagues told me she turns off her camera and colors during the meetings sooo I feel you. She’s not steamrolling it, but she’s also paying zero attention so we have to discuss the same things over and over again.

   2. Ohhh hey do we work for the same organization? Because yes, absolutely. I have no idea what to do about it but it’s driving me around the bend.

8. Possible ideas for dates (can’t comment on the dating now issue!): art museums, walking tours, sculpture gardens, painting class, bicycle rides, hikes, architecture tours, boat rides, kayaking, SUP, canoeing, axe throwing, archery, birding, plant identification walks, cooking class, pie eating contest, finding the best “of specific type” restaurants and comparing results, ghost tour, amusement park, trivia night, board game event…

9. Possible ideas for dates (can’t comment on the dating now issue!): art museums, walking tours, sculpture gardens, painting class, bicycle rides, hikes, architecture tours, boat rides, kayaking, SUP, canoeing, axe throwing, archery, birding, plant identification walks, cooking class, pie eating contest, finding the best “of specific type” restaurants and comparing results, ghost tour, amusement park, trivia night, board game event…

10. Is there really dibs on names (to follow from this morning)? My father and grandfather were both . . . Juan (dad uses his middle name). I had wanted to use Jacques as a baby name but my husband says his sister already used it (her husband and apparently all his male relatives are Juans). It’s not copyrighted. I get that there are like 10 worldwide male names (beyond the Kaden / Jaden / Kyler / Jaston ones that are new). I could understand with unique girl names absent a personal connection, but I don’t think it’s fair. I don’t want to use John or Jan or Johan or Jonathan, either.

    /endrant

    1. Huh? What is going on here? If you already have a nephew named Jacques, yeah it’s kinda weird to name your own child that, but it’s not forbidden. I don’t understand the rest of what you’re saying.

    2. I’m confused… Jacques is a form of Juan? I’m not sure if you forgot the pretend name you meant to use or whether you are saying there’s overlap in these names.

       My cousin had a baby girl and named her Elizabeth. My sister was bummed because she had always wanted to name a daughter Elizabeth. Our cousin lives in another state and we might see her once a year if we’re lucky, so I didn’t think it was a big deal, but my sister felt self conscious that people would think cousin had that name first and ultimately she didn’t use it when she had a girl…

       On the other hand, my grandmother (not Elizabeth) was the matriarch to end all matriarchs, and someone entirely worthy of naming your child after. So many, many of us have some form of her name in our names. For me, it’s my first name, for my mom it was her middle name, and many of my cousins have the middle name. My own daughter has a variation on the name (think Marianne vs Mary) and some people think I named my kid after myself, but honestly we’re all named after the same kick-ass Depression era survivor.

11. Does anyone have good recommendations for at-home COVID tests? In-person swabbing is increasingly booked up in my city (and schools open in 2 days), so I feel like it is just something good to have on hand. Per our pediatrician neighbor, the close Walgreens just ran out, so it looks like I will be ordering. Any port in a storm? Or are there better and worse choices?

    1. I bought some recently from CVS. The Wirecutter has a good write up of what’s available. They’re not as reliable as a PCR and not cheap but better than nothing?

    2. I just ordered a set of the BinaxNow tests (they are sold in a six pack online) for travel, but they’d obviously work just as well within the US too.

       1. I stocked up on these as well and found they easy to use with fast results. Available on Amazon, Wal-Mart, etc.

       2. I did BinaxNow last week and it was easy to use. I went and got a PCR test same day (with my dad, I wanted to be 100% sure a negative test was negative) and the PCR test was also negative.

    3. This is not a specific brand recommendation but many local libraries have at-home tests available for free. It may be worth calling yours to see.

12. I was out of work for some time, but did part time (10 hrs/week) consulting work during that time. How should I represent it on my resume? In the same header as the rest of my full time work, maybe with a note next to it that it was part time? Or in a completely separate section? I don’t have any other consulting work like this so there is nothing to bunch it with.

    1. If you’re using to fill a gap, I’d include it and maybe add something after the dates like “(project-based)” if you want to try to put emphasis on the other jobs, I’d move it into a separate section of “Other Professional Activities.” I think either approach works.

    2. Treat it just like any other job, just say that you were a self-employed consultant. No one needs to know how many hours you spent on it.

13. What’s the etiquette here? Two of our married friends (“Sally” and “Bob”) separated recently. They are trying to work out the main issue plaguing them. Sally has been vague on specifics, as she’s doesn’t want to “steal” their friends, but the separation happened out of nowhere and she has strongly alluded that infidelity on Bob’s part was the main factor. Sally is one of my closest friends, but DH and I are also close to Sally and Bob as a couple and we have spent lots of time together as a foursome. We’re also part of a larger friend group. I’ve been in contact with Sally frequently since the separation; neither DH or I have talked to Bob yet. I have encouraged DH to reach out to Bob but he doesn’t want to because he “doesn’t have all the facts and doesn’t know how to feel about Bob right now.”

    Do I keep encouraging DH to at least hang out with Bob and see how he’s doing? Ask Sally how she wants us to proceed? It also feels weird not inviting Bob to our larger friend group hangouts, especially since they are still working on the relationship, but I also feel like Bob is in hiding and doesn’t necessarily want to be with any of us right now. Friend group is not yet clued into the separation, and I feel like that’s Sally’s place to announce.

    Please be kind; I have no guidebook for this and just want to be a decent friend to both Sally and Bob.

    1. Your husband doesn’t want to contact Bob, and I wouldn’t push him. I wonder if he knows something you don’t, but at any rate, forcing the issue doesn’t make sense. You say you’re in close contact with Sally, so just follow her lead.

    2. If you want to be a friend to Bob you contact him. Your husband does not want to and that is perfectly fine!

    3. If DH doesn’t know how he feels about Bob, let him figure that out. Maybe he will maintain a friendship, maybe he won’t.

    4. – Keep inviting Bob to friend group hangouts that you organize. You say the group doesn’t know yet, so excluding him is weird and would also basically tell people that something’s up. I would generally invite both halves of a maybe-splitting-up couple to events unless there’s abuse involved.
       – Your husband can choose who he wants to be friends with. It’s weird and overstepping to press him to reach out to Bob. If you’re friends with Bob then why don’t you reach out to him?
       – If you want to be close friends with both of them then you have to tell both of them that you won’t be their person to vent to about the other. It’s fine to be close friends with one and acquaintances with the other, but neither you nor DH should pretend to be BFFs with Bob if you’re going to be Sally’s shoulder to cry on. You can be friendly to your close friend’s ex or STBX but you can’t be close friends with them (unless your close friend is also remaining good friends with the ex, and even then it’s complicated).

       1. +1 This.

    5. Bon being in hiding is also telling you something. Just keep doing what you’re doing with Sally and decide what to do about Bob if he reaches out to you or your husband.

    6. Yeah, this is your husband’s relationship with Bob and it’s not your job to manage it. Also if Bob wants to contact your DH he knows where to find him. Sally is the one who has reached out so please continue to support her.

    7. There’s no easy way to be friends with both halves of a splitting couple. It sounds like the “you-Sally” relationship is the primary here, and therefore Sally, not Bob, has custody of you regardless of what she actually says.

       I’d lay low as far as Bob is concerned.

14. I am a transactional attorney – advisory work. I often review documents from new clients and recommend they do 1, 2, or 3 with the risks associated with all those options. Lately, I’ve noticed an uptick in prospective clients who do not want to give a retainer. I am wondering if anyone has advice on my explanatory email. I do not do free consultations or assessments and do not want to – I’ve gotten burned before and unless I’m prepared to do it for free, I won’t. FWIW, it usually takes me 3-5 hours (less than $1500) to review docs and advise on initial options. I usually ask for a retainer of $1500-2000 depending on whether it is a cold call or referral. Most of my clients aren’t lawyers and are fairly small businesses (under 100 employees).

    Prospective client: “I read the engagement letter, can I send a retainer after you read XYZ, tell me my options, and I decide if I want to hire you?”

    My answer: “Thank you for asking. I will wait for you to deposit the retainer before starting work. I do not take cases on a ‘contingency’ basis (for example, where I get paid 40% if you win a lawsuit), instead, I advise you about possible options. I expect to spend about 4-5 hours analyzing XYZ and then we can discuss your options moving forward. Depending on the options, you might decide that you don’t need me to do anything further and I’ll process the bill and refund the balance of the retainer next month. If you decide you want to pursue further legal steps, we will discuss before I proceed and I’m happy to give you another estimate for that stage.”

    1. It might, or might not, help to do a quick “free” initial phone call – not to give advice, but for a little context and so the client feels like they’ve established that you “get it” or they “click” with you before they actually hand over money. If they put you on the spot for advice you could say “the devil is always in the details with this type of thing and I’d need to look over the materials further before outlining possible paths forward.”

       In any event, if you’ve tried that and it leads to too much annoyance… your second sentence seems a little confrontational to me because you have to wade through everything you won’t do before getting to the justification. More like…

       Thank you for asking. I ask for new clients to deposit a retainer because that represents approximately the amount of my time that would go into this initial research and advice. My hourly rate is X and I estimate this will take 3-5 hours. … and then pick up your paragraph.

       1. I agree. Second sentence is confrontational. De personalize it. ‘In my legal practice, as with many legal practices, fees are billed against a retainer provided by the client in advance of work starting.’

    2. I would delete the first couple of sentences, you’re not actually responding to their question until “I expect to spend 4-5 hours.” Benefit of the doubt, they might not realize they’re asking for 5 hours of work not 20 minutes; I don’t think they’re asking for a contingency fee arrangement they’re asking for free work. I like the explanation that you can discuss next steps and a further budget after the initial, smaller portion is complete. I would end with “I’ll get started when I receive your retainer.”

       More generally, I wouldn’t lose sleep over not landing a client who gives you pushback on a $1500 retainer. Ime they don’t pay the bill reliably. I would also shy away from clients who basically tell me “I won’t pay you unless I like what you have to say.”

15. I am struggling and wondering about how other people are feeling.

    I did what I was supposed to. I stayed home. I wore a mask, I got vaccinated as soon as I could. I did not see my father, sole living grandparent, or siblings for over a year. I did not go to parties when we were locked down or meet with friends except for masked and distanced walks outside. I am back to wearing my mask now. Despite being at low risk myself, I did everything I was told I needed to do.

    And it is not over. And it does not appear it is going to be over in the foreseeable future. The Delta wave will make its way across the country – infecting everyone (vaccinated or not), hospitalizing some (mostly unvaccinated), killing some (again mostly unvaccinated). And after Delta will be the next variant, and the one after that because we are not going to get to herd immunity and the vaccines do not prevent infection, although they are effective against severe illness.

    And I am starting to think that this may just be something we have to live with. Covid is going to be like measles or diphtheria or polio (or smallpox if we go further back in history). And since it is not going to be over, then we just need to accept that and move forward, especially once the vaccine is approved for younger children. Since there is no end in sight, we cannot stay locked down forever and schools and sporting events and concerts and everything else just needs to reopen.

    And then I feel like a terrible person who does not care about other people dying. But I just cannot see any way this end, especially when 30-50% of the eligible population will not get vaccinated.

    1. Huh? You’re catastrophizing. Even in the hardest hit places like Fla Delta has peaked and the peak occurred WITH schools open – i.e. it didn’t make a higher peak. Sure there are other places up north where Delta hasn’t really started yet but now we have evidence from the south, UK, and India that Delta comes and goes pretty quick. There’s also not seeing a ton of next variants after this that are gaining foothold. Yes I know there’s Lambda but it’s been around for a bit and hasn’t gained a strong hold really anywhere so fingers crossed as world wide vax numbers rise — and they will, ppl in other countries don’t turn down vax like Americans – Lambda and other variants after it never become a huge thing. We’re not in THAT bad of a place.

    2. I hear you. And on behalf of my kid who is in the 5-11 bucket, returning to school soon without being able to get shots, I salute you.

    3. You’re right that there isn’t an end. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I am vaccinated, I wash my hands and I stay home if I’m sick. If the vaccine mitigates severe infection, then I am content. If the goal post is moved one more time, I might lose my ever loving mind.

    4. There was an opinion piece in the NYT yesterday called “The Quiet Rage of the Responsible” by Paul Krugman. I related heavily to it as your fellow highly responsible person.

       I don’t have any answers either, but because my very niche interests have to with the history of houses in my city built around 1910-1920, I can tell you that these families were all touched by the 1918 (and also 1919) flu. Most families lost at least one family member – many lost several. At least one family was entirely wiped out save for a 1 year old child who went into an orphanage.

       We have a lot less cultural tolerance for mass death than we had in 1918/19. That’s going to have to change or else people are going to have to take vaccination, masking, and social distancing a lot more seriously.

    5. I didn’t think it was ever going to “go away.” It’s a virus that’s been around for a while already (SARS). It will change and travel the globe and come back. Its vaccinations will be annual like the flu’s. The lockdown last year was supposed to keep the hospitalization levels relatively normal. People seem to have mistaken it for “eradication” instead. That was never going to happen. So yeah, annual shots, masks maybe, “this year’s Covid strain” announcements…

       And life goes on.

       1. Life goes on if people get the shots and wear the masks. We are doing neither. So here we are.

    6. Yes I feel the same. I am just so disappointed that in the state where I live only 40% are vaccinated and no one is wearing a mask. I feel all my renunciation over the past 1.5 year was for nothing as people are still dying.
       It has taken a major toll on my mental health not to go out and meet people. At this point, I am feeling that I might need to go out more just to not be totally depressed but on the other hand I just feel bad even considering it.

16. Worked late on a brief a few nights ago that I’m already irritated I have to write because my colleague didn’t do her part of it and it’s due. Turned on my computer this morning and three hours of work is just gone. I’ve done everything to find it- went into my hidden files on my Mac to see if it had autorecovered or saved in a temp file. Nope. No OneDrive version history. No autosaves. Nothing. It’s like it just evaporated into thin air. JFC.

    1. OMG. The worst. So sorry!

    2. Did you look at your most recently saved files? Like open each. You might have clicked on a different file and your brief was saved as the name of that file. Just in case.

       1. Yeah, did that too.

    3. Oh, this has happened to me and I wanted to cry. (Actually, I might have once or twice.) So sorry.

       1. There were absolutely some angry tears shed.

    4. This is like a microcosm of COVID, vaccines, and Delta. That sucks, Sloan. :(

       1. That actually made me laugh. It so is.

          1. f*&ing Carole Baskin

    5. That is the worst! It happened to me once many years ago, but I had a hard copy of an earlier version. So I had to re-type the entire thing and try and remember what changes I had made. Ever since that happened, I always save things in two places. I usually email the latest draft to myself at the end of the day or save on a USB.

       1. Yeah, I used to do that but got too trusting of OneDrive. Grrrrrrrr.

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