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Updated: Dec 22, 2021 265 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Slim Pleated Satin Pant

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A white woman with long brown hair wearing a pink sweater, black blazer, pink pants, and black high-heeled boots, carrying a black clutch

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This is a “know your office” situation if there ever was one, but this bright pink monochromatic outfit is really making me happy today. I could see this being a hit in a creative office, or in a formal office if the wearer has enough gravitas that no one will question it. (I’m thinking of specifically of some very senior Biglaw partners who would look amazing in this.)

For the rest of us normals, I would wear these pants with a plain white top, black blazer, and black loafers for a business casual, but still festive look.

The pants are $100 full price at Banana Republic — but come down to $40 at checkout — and are available in sizes XS–XXL. They also come in black and teal.

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    For all the husband bashing yesterday over the inability to get a peppermint mocha s right, I felt like I needed to come here and say that sometimes, we each bring our own strengths to a marriage. Sometimes people can remember coffee orders and sometimes they can’t.

    Likewise, sometimes people set up what is basically a death trap for a group of preschoolers in their garage and your husband happens to poke his head in and say “what in gods name are you doing in here?” And remove the pending fire hazards.

    Is your husband an idiot for not getting your order right? Yes. Am I an idiot for not ventilating the exhaust in the garage? Also yes. It’s a balancing act, folks.

    • No Face

      My takeaway from yesterday is that several women here would divorce me for domestic incompetence!

      Did anyone else have a mental highlight reel of all the stuff you’ve messed up around the house? Me “helping” by mowing the lawn and destroying the lawn mower came to mind.

        • Anonymous

          If you have a 0/10 track record for groceries you should seriously seek a psychological assessment, that could be a sign of ADD, all neurotypical adults should be able to follow a list.

        • Anon

          Really? Do you regularly say you’ll go shopping for your spouse, then receive a list with very specific items and then buy other kind of related items for no reason? If so, then it’s also not okay when women do it. The post yesterday was not about a normal mistake that everyone makes (even if said mistake would have large consequences).

    • Anon

      Way to grab a tiny sliver of the issue and completely twist it to suit your purposes.

      • Anonymous

        Seriously, getting literally every errand wrong is weaponized incompetence, it wasn’t one mistake or two it was EVERYTHING.

        • AnonInfinity

          Exactly! The post yesterday wasn’t about making one random mistake. And it seemed like it happened far more times than one Starbucks order.

        • Anon

          Speculating that he offered in the first place just to be hurtful is a huge claim. It is very, very easy for me to imagine how someone might make these mistakes by not remembering the list verbatim and not being able to check the list and remember it verbatim in the commotion of the store. Maybe everyone commenting was a straight A student, but I’ve taught students and witnessed how extremely common it is for students to forget something they knew 0.25 seconds ago. A lot of errors on exams are mistakes of this kind.

          And ss someone who orders in all groceries, I’ve learned a lot about the kinds of mistakes shoppers make. I don’t think they’re trying to do a bad job either.

      • JM

        LOL yeah I’m not in the mood for it. This morning H gave the dog twice the meds he needs after I explained multiple times which ones, how much, what time of day.

        • Ellen

          If he has problems with doubling things, he should double the attention when he attends to your bedroom needs downstairs. So, instead of 15 minutes having him doing what you need for him to do, tell him now that you (i) will need 30 minutes of him doing what you need for him to do; (ii) will be timing him and (iii) will let him know he can come back up (unless you gain the full “O” from his handiwork beforehand). Gonzalo, a guy I went out with briefly a few years ago did this for me automatically because I was so much different than the girls he had been with before. I haven’t had a guy so attentive since.

      • Anon

        Seriously. Also way to trivialize for your own purposes a real issue in someone else’s very real relationship.

    • Anon

      (Disclaimer: I read, but did not participate in, yesterday’s threat)

      Look, I’m happy you’re in a loving, equitable marriage. I think it’s great. I wish I had that. But I didn’t. I had an incompetent man child that forced all of the domestic work onto me and made my life miserable. I just got divorced and my life has drastically improved now that he has to take care of his own life and participate equally as a parent.

      Of course happy, healthy marriages exist, but I don’t think I’m alone in my experience.

      It was awful and it’s ok to talk about it, folks.

      • anon

        I’m not yesterday’s OP, but I think I am now where you were. Thank you for saying it’s OK to talk about it! I feel so guilty about wanting out because it’s not like he’s abusive or an otherwise horrible person. I just can’t stand supporting a man child and being the CEO, CFO and COO of this household. Then I might as well be alone (and have most of the daily resentment leave my chest). We have a young child so I’m racked with guilt over this, but I would be so much happier if I didn’t live with my SO. I think I would be nicer to him too. I feel so trapped right now.

    • Ses

      I read the post yesterday as being about a partner who refuses to try to get better at helping, which is different than honest mistakes.
      A lot of people aren’t that worldly and would get the wrong items, but it’s a different story if they try to insist that their whacky interpretation of the request was the correct one.
      I admit I get frustrated with my partner’s lack of worldliness, but he makes up for it with a kind temperament and sense of humour.

      • Cat

        yeah, that was my take, too. Anyone can have an idiot moment. The lack of effort was the problem.

      • anne-on

        This. Anyone can make mistakes or blank on an item on a list. Doubling down and insisting they are correct when called out on it is the larger issue and you’re being willfully obtuse if you can’t see that.

    • Anon

      I think there are a number of women who post here are fortunate to have made good matches with competent men. They assume a baseline level of adult functioning that, I hate to say it, one can’t take for granted. I would rather be single than marry a grown child, and for reasons we’re all familiar with – cultural, social, etc – there are a LOT of men out there who fit that bill and lots of women making excuses for them.

      • anon

        I’m in the ‘assume a baseline level of adult functioning’ camp, and I have to admit I’m wondering how so many people ended up marrying someone who doesn’t hit that mark. Did you get married before you lived together? Did your husbands’ abilities decline after marriage?

        • AnonInfinity

          I know the answer to this for some of my friends– they’d rather be coupled (for understandable reasons) and deal with these issues than not be coupled. Or they think it’s funny/cute/not that annoying at first and then feel like they have to keep putting up with it after they are married or dating seriously. Or they think this is just how men are so they settle for one with other good qualities but who is incompetent in these ways.

          I also think some men’s abilities decline after marriage because they don’t feel like they have to put up a front of being competent anymore. So to answer your question, a combo of all of the above.

          • PLB

            All true, ESPECIALLY the last paragraph. And they expect and take full advantage of the wife picking up the slack.

          • Anonymous

            Just a different take: My marriage is the opposite in that my husband does most of the heavy lifting in keeping the household running. My other relationships prior to marriage (married at 32) were not this way and my marriage didn’t start out this way. But he is most comfortable when he is in control, so over the past 15 years there has been a slow shift where I don’t even try with a lot of things anymore. I apparently can’t fold towels correctly or load the dishwasher correctly or choose and do the planning for vacations or sort out the cable service–and so over time I have just turned over a lot of that labor since it isn’t a hill I want to die on. There are pros and cons to not being the “doer” with some tasks. Most women would probably love my tidy, always organized, reliable to a fault husband (and I do, too). But it also leaves me feeling like a child sometimes and getting a voice can be harder for me than I think it is for many other women. But deep down I know I’m OK. I miraculously manage just fine when he’s on the road for business. Most of the time I think we’re pretty comfortable in our roles. (And mind you, this isn’t with EVERYTHING. There are definitely tasks that are chiefly my domain, like managing the dog’s massive vet needs, sorting out health insurance, gift giving for the holidays with both of our families, etc.) Sometimes I think you need to look at both partners’ contributions to the way a marriage is shaped and if it is setting into what works for one or both. (To be clear though, I don’t think OP was asking for or should settle for ongoing incompetence if it is a task she wants shared.)

        • Anon

          There is a lot of cursing of the darkness here, but in a culture where we chose our partners and where divorce is regularized, IDK why there is so much of it. No one forces you to get married; no one forces you to stay married. There are costs of entry and doing business and if they are just too high, just accept it and move on.

          • Anon

            I’m the 10:09 Anon, and am happily single by choice. I am also very much the exception in my social group. Many of them think I’m strange for my choices. Im okay with not doing a thing just because everyone else does it. Many people aren’t. If I meet the right person, I’m open to a relationship, but I am happy as I am and any partner absolutely must make life better – for both of us.

          • Anon

            +1 Also maybe unpopular opinion but many men who are like this are the way they are because their wives enable them. Poster on the moms page yesterday was working, husband was not and was supposed to be taking care of their kid but she “had to” repeatedly deal with kid stuff because he wasn’t doing it right. No. Just close your office door and make them figure it out without you and deal with the consequences of any bad decisions! That’s how they figure this stuff out. Some small number of men may be truly terrible people who refuse to change, but I believe most men like this are the way they are because their wives accept it and don’t expect them to do any better.

          • Anon

            Two things that perplex me, after reading here for 10+ years:
            – The people who think that being in a partnership with someone means that they get to call 100% of the shots, 100% of the time; that the only person worth being partnered with is someone who is completely egoless and subservient and has no needs or opinions of their own; and who believe a relationship is not happy unless every single one of their needs is met by their partner and the other person is essentially a slave to ensuring their happiness, at all times.
            – Conversely: the people who are married to selfish jerks who transparently could not care less about anything other than themselves, and repeatedly violate meaningful boundaries and behave in shockingly insensitive ways, and never experience any consequences from it. I imagine it’s because people in the second category are married to people in the first category, but that’s just a theory.

            Partnerships among humans involve two separate, flawed individuals who each come into the relationship with opinions, ideas, baggage, damage, dreams and aspirations that may or may not exactly match the other person’s. There should be fundamental levels of caring and respect for the other person that are demonstrated not just with words, but with actions. Over years of reading here, I’ve seen stories that made me think “welp, that would be a divorce for me” and many other stories that made me think “If I had jumped to divorce over something like that I would probably have gotten divorced six times over by now.” There is a happy medium between being married to an egoless doormat and being married to a malignant narcissist. I imagine we don’t hear a lot of stories about that because when you’re living in the middle, you don’t have as much conflict (or juicy stories to tell). I don’t think everyone needs to be married (and some people should not be married), but to your point, Anon at 10:48: getting married or staying in a partnership is a choice. It’s not like the olden days, when women couldn’t sign leases or buy property on their own. People always have a choice to seek a partner or not do that, or stay with a partner who is making them miserable or not do that. It’s not like we’re being swept along by the winds of fate, with no agency whatsoever over our own lives.

          • Anonymous

            It’s cute you think you can just force men to figure it out and it won’t result in harm to children or the home. Men often double down in these situations. As a child I was hurt on almost 100% of the solo outings my dad was forced to do, all were preventable but obviously he didn’t.

          • Anon

            The vast, vast majority of comments on the moms page about husband screwups are not things that endanger the child. I literally don’t know one person in real life with a husband who is incapable of safely caring for his own children. Unless you are in the very rare circumstance where leaving your children alone with your husband would endanger their safety (in which case, consult a lawyer and a pediatrician and maybe a domestic violence hotline about your options) you can absolutely make a man figure things out on his own. Most men love their children and don’t want to hurt them, but are just lazy. They’ll figure things out if their wives stop doing everything for them. You are making a choice to enable him, own it and stop complaining. My husband didn’t know how to turn on an oven when we met and now does the majority of the cooking for the family because I was unwilling to accept sole responsibility for that task.

          • Anonon

            I actually think you can ask men to figure it out and it’s not going result in harm to the child. I think it’s something commonly struggled with – when my kids were babies I was 100% better at soothing them, and attempted to instruct my husband how to do it which was a mistake. He did it his own way and you know what, it worked out even better in the end. If your spouse is truly dangerous and frequently injures your child or burns down the house then yes, get that divorce and full custody, but that seems very unusual and it’s ok if things aren’t perfect.

          • Anon

            Yeah, men can step up if they have to. Many divorced dads actually do a lot more post-divorce than they did while married, because they no longer have a wife to delegate to.

            I also think a lot of it has to do with women wanting everything being done their way and not being able to relinquish control. I still remember the discussion on the moms page a few years about how many women leave their husband a freezer full of homemade casseroles any time they leave town. The defense to the “make him figure out how to feed the children” argument was “if I don’t cook for them, the kids will eat junk.” So you kids eat less than perfectly for a week? It’s not going to kill them. There are very few things that will truly endanger a child’s mental or physical health and most fathers who would do such things are abusive unfit fathers regardless of whether or not another parent is involved.

        • Anon

          Me too. It sometimes feels like the prevailing situation here is a terrible man child husband and I am kind of shocked. Do I just live in a bubble? I’m a red stater so you’d think you’d see more of this in my world (where traditional gender roles are embraced), but this is not my experience and I don’t hear it from my friends. Like – “husband puts ridiculous clothes on the baby when he dresses her,” yes. Husband can’t handle buying groceries/doing basic household chores/ensuring a child’s medical needs are met…no.

          • Anon

            I’m a blue-stater and I haven’t heard stories like this from people I know. I may also be living in a bubble, but even people I know with what I would call “more traditional values” wouldn’t put up with the ridiculous man-baby behavior I have seen reported here. My marriage has its tensions, and I would say the same for my friends’ marriages, from what I hear from them. But nothing like “my husband whines about watching the kids when I have to work” or “my husband took off golfing instead of watching the kids like he’d promised” or “my husband can’t go to the grocery store/wash dishes/cook a meal/do laundry without screwing it up.” The person in the most “traditional” marriage I know has a husband who pours concrete for a living, and he still can bathe and clothe their two kids, make them dinner, do their laundry, pick them up from daycare or drop them off, etc. And not just when she has to work late or is otherwise occupied – he is participatory like that every single day. I don’t know how people have two-career households (especially with kids) without equal partnership. I don’t see how that works, at all.

            Maybe the difference in my situation is that my husband was a full adult, who’d lived by himself or with roommates, for years before I met him. He’d also grown up with a single mother who worked two jobs and had very little time to cater to his needs. It’s making me very strident, with my own son, that he learns how to do things for himself and knows how to take responsibility, because I definitely do not want to send some hapless man-baby out into the world and then have his partner complaining about his laziness and self-involvement on some message board, 10-15 years from now.

          • Anon

            Another vote that I don’t know anyone with a husband this helpless. Red state but college town so we know mostly highly-educated, dual career couples. People (including me) occasionally vent about their spouses, sure, but I don’t know anyone who would put up with the level of helplessness frequently discussed here.

        • AnonMom

          My personal experience has been that I grew up under toxic expectations and married young to escape that culture without really maturing enough to have a solid understanding of the whole situation. Both my spouse and I have grown and changed since then (in most ways for the better, I think), but not all of those changes are ones the other person always likes or agrees with. Had we met each other at the point we are both at now, I don’t know that we would be attached to each other in the same way we were when we were young and naïve. But we still value each other and our relationship, so we exercise grace and patience and do our best to make it work.

          Some days he still leaves dirty laundry in weird spots, though, and other days I am irrationally prickly at him when I’m irritated at something completely unrelated. We are human but have still chosen to love each other and it is a long term project to do that.

        • Anonymous

          Living with a partner before marriage is not going to reveal all of the potential challenges. Two young professionals living together in a rented apartment is much, much easier than raising a family in a house you own that is falling apart as all houses seem to be. That’s why some couples really enjoy becoming empty nesters and downsizing back to that carefree life. People also change over time. I grew more flexible and outward-looking over time, whereas my previously extroverted and easygoing husband withdrew inward and became more rigid. Marriage is an evolving thing.

        • Anon

          It’s really easy to be enraged by mistakes that we ourselves would never, ever make. But most of us also make different mistakes that our spouses would never, ever make–or we’re uptight and perfectionist in a way that we do not want our spouses to be.

          I often feel exasperated when my spouse gets something wrong that seems impossible to get wrong (why did you pick up two out of three prescriptions? why does the purloined letter trick work so well that the best way of hiding something is leaving it in plain sight, especially if it’s a refrigerated item being sought for in the fridge? why is he rushing to complete something right against a deadline he has known about for weeks, AGAIN? how is it possible to double book a calendar on accident?).

          But my spouse also excels at what he does professionally, and I can recognize that he’s sacrificed attention/effort in some areas of life to pour energy into the skills that make him excel. He is always, always there for his family, and for mine, when someone needs him (and other people in the community look to him for help with things too). He is great with kids. He takes care of me when I’m sick. He woke up through the night to hand feed our cat when our cat was sick. When I’ve made dumb mistakes before, he has covered for me or rescued me in various ways. He is a fabulous chef and cooks more of our meals than I do. On average he does more of the household chores than I do. (And yes he misses things when he cleans somethings. I can get enraged about men and how they miss things when they clean, or I can touch up on the job that he already 80% finished.) He grew up without enough money, and sometimes he’s cheap in weird ways that annoy me and which I find irrational.

          So I can often sympathize with immediate frustration (this is vanilla yogurt, not plain yogurt, and it’s going to make for some really weird tzatziki! and this is the third time you’ve mixed up yogurts! pay attention!), but at no point am I thinking “he must have purposely bought the wrong yogurt to discourage me from asking him to shop, or just to hurt my feelings because he has contempt for me, and I should reconsider this marriage.”

    • Anon

      I didn’t have time to respond yesterday but as a long-married person, I feel like there’s an element of malicious compliance when people repeatedly get almost the right thing, but never quite the right thing, and refuse to learn from mistakes. After two or three occasions where the wrong thing is purchased, the polite thing to do is to make a note or take a picture of the right thing, so next time you don’t get the wrong thing. Someone who repeatedly cannot get the right coffee order, sandwich order, item at the store, etc. correct after multiple attempts and several conversations about why the procured item missed the mark doesn’t want to learn. That’s the issue, not the initial mistake.

      What we do in my relationship is we use our black rectangular thing that we all own these days, you know that thing we mostly use to send work emails or play Candy Crush, and use it to communicate with each other, sometimes using pictures! My husband does a Target run on Sunday mornings and has clearly communicated, “If you need me to get you something at Target please text me before bed on Saturday night,” so I do that. If I want a specific thing or brand of thing at the store, I will text my husband a picture of it before he goes shopping so he knows what to look for. If he’s in the store, and I’ve said “buy packing tape but make sure it’s the good packing tape” and he doesn’t know exactly what I mean, he will text me a picture of the available packing tape choices at the store and asks “which one?” and I say “the one on the far left.” We also keep lists in the notes apps in our phones – here’s the family order for the Chinese restaurant and the Vietnamese restaurant and the Italian restaurant, etc. Buy Canyon Bakehouse gluten free bread, not Udi’s. MIL’s birthday is March 8. Etc.

      The thing is, we have to care enough to do this and if OP-from-yesterday’s husband doesn’t care, she can’t fix that. I think a pretty fundamental thing in a marriage is that both parties have to care that the other person is happy. It’s not my responsibility to “make my husband happy” as we’re all responsible for our own happiness, but I’m not going to get him a peppermint mocha when I know he hates sweet drinks, and then be offended and pouty when he doesn’t like what I got him. I’ll either text him “I’m at Starbucks, do you want anything and what do you want” (because he changes up his drink order periodically and I don’t want to guess) or I’ll just skip getting him something, because speaking for myself, I’d rather get nothing than something I can’t drink/use/eat. Effort is great but repeated effort that results in repeated disappointment means there is either really insufficient communication, or really insufficient caring. If it’s the second thing, I don’t know how you fix that in another person.

      • pugsnbourbon

        “Repeated effort that results in repeated disappointment means there is either really insufficient communication, or really insufficient caring.” Lemme just print that real big and post it on my office door …

      • Senior Attorney

        Exactly. Basically it’s the covenant of good faith and fair dealing, and if both parties aren’t abiding by it, you’re screwed.

    • Anon

      I think when you spend a lot of time on the internet, it’s easy to see “mediocre men” and “man children” and create problems that don’t really exist but get magnified. Maybe I’m in one of those very competent marriages or we’re both terribly incompetent but middle through, but I try to not bring such a critical lens to my home life and I didn’t marry a personal assistant. The person who quoted RBG “in all marriages, it helps to be a little deaf” is spot on.

      • Anon

        Look, you’d know if you were in a relationship with a man child. Your response and the one you’re replying to really seem like gas lighting. Sometimes it is that bad, and just because you’ve experienced an uncaring and unwilling to change partner doesn’t mean they doesn’t exist. So maybe just stfu if you don’t have any experience with what people are talking about, rather than coming back later to criticize them.

      • Anon

        Look, you’d know if you were in a relationship with a man child. Your response and the one you’re replying to really seem like gas lighting. Sometimes it is that bad, and just because you’ve experienced an uncaring and unwilling to change partner doesn’t mean they doesn’t exist. So maybe just zip it if you don’t have any experience with what people are talking about, rather than coming back later to criticize them.

        • AnonInfinity

          Exactly! Some of these responses show why a lot of women stay in relationships with men who are toxic (I’m not saying OP from yesterday is in a toxic situation, just that she might be). We tie ourselves into knots justifying the behavior or are told that it is normal and we should just deal with it.

    • Anon

      Lotta Smug Marrieds here today. Let’s believe and support other women when they tell us they’re in bad relationships rather than saying that since our own relationships aren’t that bad, she must be lying.

      • Anon

        Sorry, that’s not what I think is happening here, at all. I think you’re seeing what you want to see in responses that will reinforce your own pre-determined narrative that you’ve created in your own mind. Yes, I am aware you will probably see that as smug-married gaslighting also; no surprise there.

        • Anonymous

          Can you stop? Like seriously, just because you’re anonymous doesn’t prevent you from being polite and supporting other women

          • Anon

            Can you stop with assuming that women are always correct in everything they do and say and every motivation they have is pure and positive? Women can make mistakes. Women can lack perspective. Women can jump to conclusions. If that idea is that triggering for you, maybe you should stop reading here.

      • Anonymous

        But I think people are responding to the fact that her husband’s errors didn’t seem necessarily malicious. They could have easily been explained by 1) different values/upbringing (ie, prioritizing cost over needing specific products) 2) lack of communication about the level of importance that specificity holds to her. I think after navigating the constant BS and stress of being a woman in hetero relationships can get conditioned to constantly trying to anticipate threats/toxicity. But it can feel like a blessing to realize we have the ability to be curious instead of afraid – i.e., asking “why did you these different products?” versus “You screwed everything up!”

        It felt like post yesterday had a blank space around the husband’s intention. What if instead of filling that space with negative assumptions, we just left space for “maybe this can be solved with communicating that things that don’t matter to him matter a lot to me.” It’s okay to let down some of the fear and assumption of negative intent. I don’t think anyone is intending to gaslight – I think we’re just trying to give space for her to feel like maybe it isn’t so bad and not every mistake is “weaponized incompetence.”

        • Anon

          100% this. Assuming positive intent is just a nicer way to exist in this world too.

      • Anon

        It’s more I just don’t get it. I was single for years and would have died for here to be someone to ask to pick up something for me at the store. If he’s that incompetent or malicious or whatever, divorce him. But I think it’s a lot more people with total control issues who don’t understand that their spouses aren’t their employees on a PIP.

      • Anon

        IDK it’s nice to actually see some comments from women who don’t contemptuously describe their husbands as incompetent children for once.

      • Anon

        I guess. Sometimes I just want to gripe about the irritating shortcomings of a person I love without being told it’s all my fault for staying married to the guy.

        • Anon

          I mean this kindly: this is the wrong place to vent or ask questions if you really don’t want to hear the absolute raw, unvarnished opinions of people who have good insights, but don’t always care about delivering them tactfully. You can control what you post here; you can’t control how the hive reacts to it. If you’re looking for specific reactions that hew closely to a very defined set of expectations you have – I’d gripe elsewhere.

          • Anon

            I am not OP, but I did relate to a lot of what other people posted, and I appreciated the discussion and the insights as usual. There have been a lot of these oh-so-kind passive aggressive comments that “maybe this poster should take themselves elsewhere” lately, directed at different commenters, and I wonder where that’s coming from?

            I still think it’s ironic when women end up getting blamed when our husbands screw up, like we can’t ever be frustrated or complain because divorce is a thing so what’s our problem, or we should have chosen a better man to begin with. It just feels kind of classic that it’s still on us. And some of this stuff is not deal breaker stuff; a lot of it is the kind of family stuff that might frustrate me equally if it were my parent, sibling, or child.

  2. Anonymous

    Gluten free, berry free, tree-nut free Christmas dessert ideas?

    We have a new family member (brothers fiancé) who cannot eat any of the above and while she is too polite to require any actual modifications, we are planning to have the whole holiday feast be something she can eat (we love her! My brother doesn’t deserve her!).

    We are doing a roast with risotto, veggie and potato sides. Other ideas also welcome.

    • Anonymous

      Pudding? Maybe with whipped cream on top? My MIL makes homemade butterscotch pudding. It is absolutely melt-in-your mouth fabulous. Especially when it is still slighly warm.

      • NYNY

        Specifically the Smitten Kitchen chocolate budino recipe. It’s amazing, super easy, and feels fancy af!

      • Anonymous

        Anyone creative at cake decorating to think of a nice way to make a chocolate cake like this look festive? I know there’s always a gentle dusting of powdered sugar…

        • Anonymous

          I posted this yesterday–pile scoops of ice cream on top and drizzle with caramel sauce.

        • Anonymous

          Dust with powdered sugar and decorate with sugared rosemary and cranberries.

          • Anon

            I was going to suggest this, too! The yule log recipe posted yesterday shows how to sugar cranberries and rosemary.

        • pugsnbourbon

          I was going to suggest this, too! The yule log recipe posted yesterday shows how to sugar cranberries and rosemary.

        • Anonymous

          Budget:
          Cut out snowflake or tree shapes, lay on cake, dust with icing sugar, remove pattern gently.

          Easy:
          Get premade snowflake, mistletoe or holly sprig fondant sugar decorations, small decoration on each piece.

          Elegant:
          Sprinkle gold or silver sprinkles in a nice outer circle or at sides of cake.

    • Carol

      For Thanksgiving a friend made flourless chocolate cake, seems like that could work. And it was delicious and felt festive.

    • Formerly Lilly

      Red wine poached pears. If you make them a couple of days ahead and sit them in the fridge in their poaching liquid, they will only get better. I’d serve them garnished with some sort of crisp cookie (likely bought) and with some mascarpone that has been whipped with a fork a bit and sweetened with a little powdered sugar and/or sherry, Madeira, or a liqueur.

    • Anonymous

      Panna cotta with non-berry fruit.

      Gluten-free and tree nut-free ginger cookies (from a packet!) with blue cheese or camembert cheese and non-berry marmelade OR ginger cookies with ice cream.

      • PolyD

        Chocolate panna cotta (or maybe ginger) with the poached pears from above. I can eat all the listed foods and I would totally love some panna cotta and poached pears!

    • Tea/Coffee

      KAF flourless chocolate cake
      Apple or pumpkin pie with GF crust
      Rice krispie treats CAN be GF if you are careful with the cereal. They seem like little kid treats but they always mysteriously disappear :-)
      If you can find GF graham crackers or a premade GF crust, pie is super easy.
      These are some of the easier, not requiring knowledge of xantham gum, kind of stuff that we make. We have celiacs in our extended family and friend circles. I applaud your support of FSIL but please make sure you check in regarding severity – like if you use half a stick of butter, if the knife that cut the stick in half a week ago maybe touched toast, is that a problem? We have some folks where the answer would be yes so extra precautions are involved :-(

    • pugsnbourbon

      Can she do ice cream? Peppermint ice cream is delicious with store-bought GF brownies.

    • Ribena

      Banoffee pie! Make the base with GF biscuits (cookies?) and you’re good to go.

      The Smitten Kitchen buckwheat chocolate cake is accidentally gluten free and easy to make dairy free – and totally delicious as well!

    • Anon

      Make your own ice cream sundaes – stolen from AdHoc, put different sauces in little pitchers, other toppings in small bowls on a lazy susan, serve everyone a couple of scoops of ice cream and let them top their own. The little dishes add fancy and it’s always a hit. I hate baking and most dessert items, so this is my go-to.

  3. Hope

    Today will be just a little longer then yesterday. When things seem bleak, remember that we are moving into the light.

  4. A.

    Have any of you been to Arches + Canyonlands, preferably with kids? We’ll be there April 5-9 and I would love advice on the parks themselves, things to do, places to eat, and where to stay. It’ll be me, spouse, and our three kids so hotels are sometimes a pain because we want to avoid multiple rooms (many limit to 4/room) if at all possible. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I stayed at Red Cliffs Lodge just outside Arches a few years ago and it was great. They have 2BR cabins where you could easily fit a family of five.

      • A.

        Red Cliffs Lodge looks amazing! Thanks for the rec. Did you find the distance from town to be cumbersome?

    • Minnie Beebe

      Have you thought about renting an RV? I think that would be a fun way to see those parks. Not sure ho wold your kids are, but they’d probably enjoy the hideaway beds, etc in an RV.

    • Anon

      We stayed in a great 3BR Airbnb in Moab. It’s convenient for both Arches and Canyonlands. I think it was around $300 per night.

    • Anonymous

      I’m not sure how kid friendly it is – probably best for older kids unless yours are good hikers and do okay in the car – but seeing the cave paintings in Horseshoe canyon is truly one of the coolest things I’ve ever done. It is in a remote part of Canyonlands that is dethatched from the rest of the park, and the trailhead is a long way from anywhere. (Like 2.5 hours on a dirt road IIRC). The hike itself is pretty flat except for a big hill right at the start/end – it is walking along a riverbed, with huge cave paintings along the walls of the canyon on either side. The full hike is 7 mi r/t, but you could shorten it. There’s a lot of driving involved though.

      • Anon

        +1 friends took their athletic 6 year old and ended up feeling really limited by her hiking skills and felt like they didn’t see much m. I would only go if your kids are quite a bit older (10+?) or extremely good at hiking.

    • Greensleeves

      We did Arches and Canyonlands a few years ago with kids. It was part of a trip that also included Zion, Bryce Canyon, and SLC, so we were only over there for 2 or 3 days. Kids were 15, 12 and 10 at the time, and we had a bonus 15 year old friend with us, so I understand the lodging challenge! We rented a VRBO in Moab – it was a very nice condo with lots of space that was reasonably priced. I found it through VRBO, but looking back through my account the property manager was Moab Lodging and Property Management in case that helps.

      Moab is not very big, as I recall. We had breakfast at the Moab diner and that was tasty. I can’t recall where else we ate, but since we had a kitchen we didn’t eat out every meal. I don’t have many recommendations for the parks because we just didn’t have enough time to fully explore them. They were lovely and the hiking we did in Arches was not challenging, although there were more difficult trails. Our kids did great and could have done a lot more – we did much more challenging hikes in Zion and Bryce and they kept up fine (let’s be honest, they outpaced us!). We mostly drove through Canyonlands in order to see more, with a few shorter hikes and stops at particularly scenic areas. You could definitely spend a lot more time exploring the parks and some of the other sights in the area! If you’re from a place where you can’t really see the stars, make sure you go out somewhere away from town after dark to do so. We live in a mid-size city where you can only see limited stars and we were all blown away!

      Enjoy! I am a little jealous – I enjoyed that part of the country much more than I anticipated.

    • Anon

      Hopefully still checking this post, here’s Arches NP reviews with 2 6 year olds:
      Devil’s Garden Trailhead – Tunnel Arch, Landscape, Partition, and Navajo Arches. We turned around here, but if your kids are more daring (and not tired), you can continue on the whole Primitive Trail.
      Broken Arch, Tapestry Arch Round trip, ending at Sand Dune Arch (our 6 YOs played here for about an hour, it’s like a huge sandbox)
      Delicate Arch – may be a challenge for your kids, depending on ages. Our 6 YO were fine, although I kept a tight grip near the top!

      When Arches was all booked up (not allowing entry), we hit up Corona Arch, which was a great hike – the best part for our kids was the train tracks – we hit a train going through so it was very exciting.

      On your way into/out of town, spend 30 minutes walking the (Free) boardwalk at Mill Canyon Dinosaur Tracksite – very cool tracks in a former mud pit.

      We camped and mostly cooked for ourselves, sorry no food/places to stay recommendations. Have an awesome time!

  5. Anon

    For those who are vaccinated, have you found covid testing reliable? I have all the symptoms and live near NYC (where everyone seems to have covid), but yet tested negative but keep thinking it still may be covid. I would just get tested again but tests are hard to come by here now.

    • Anon

      PCR testing is quite reliable, while antigen testing is less so (erring towards false negatives rather then false positives). In my area, it is virtually impossible to buy self test kits or to schedule a PCR test for less than a week out, even with a doctor’s order. If your area is like mine, retesting might not be an option. The lack f available testing also means that the reported overall numbers are likely vastly underreported, while the positivity rate may skew artificially high.

    • Anon

      I have had a lot of trouble with availability at testing centers but my doctor’s office always has them.

    • Anon

      We have symptoms and had negative pcr tests. Doc said lots of non Covid bugs going around as well

      • No Face

        At least one person in my household has had a cold or ear infection at any given time for months. It’s exhausting.

        • anon

          +1 Day 3 of DD’s 102 fever. Multiple negative covid tests despite the fact her symptoms are covid to a tee … but also symptoms for ear infection, common cold and everything else 3 year olds pick up in the normal course of life. Thankfully pedi will take a look at her ears later this afternoon.

          Moral of the story is COVID looks like a lot of things. Trust the tests because that’s the best that we have but adopt the rule of thumb that if you’re not feeling well or have symptoms that are similar to covid, it’s best to just hunker down and ride it out.

          • Anon

            102 fever is not a cold symptom. I believe it’s not Covid if you’ve had multiple negative tests, but please don’t suggest to people that spiking a high fever is a normal part of having a cold because it encourages people to go out and spread their “cold” which is more likely Covid or the flu.

          • txblue

            There’s an flu or ear infection going around Dallas right now too. (I know because I have the ear infection)

            I am a weird 34-year-old who gets ear infections at least once a year and they hurt like hell

          • Anonymous

            My entire household has been sick for months. and months. and months. Seriously, I can only think of maybe a week of time since labor day where someone wasn’t sick. None of it has been Covid. It seems like my entire town has been sick with something and it’s not Covid. I forgot you could even get sick from other things.

    • Anon

      FWIW I had two negative PCR tests back in February when DH and I had covid. He tested positive, and I had all the symptoms too. My doctor and the county health department both agreed that I had covid, but it didn’t show up on the tests. I think the tests are good, but not perfect. There’s no harm in assuming that since you have symptoms you have covid and isolating until you are better. There is a lot of potential harm in deciding that the negative test means you’re fine and can be out and about even though you’re symptomatic.

      • anon

        I would add, even if you don’t have COVID and are just “normal” sick, let’s normalize not spreading your germs to others.

        • Cat

          there’s a difference between being courteous to others when you have a cold (like – hey, wear a mask to the store even if it’s not required!) and not leaving the house with Covid…

          • Anon at 9:52

            This. I (Anon at 9:52) assumed that the OP has covid symptoms (fever, sore throat, congestion, headache, aches and pains, etc.) and not just a stuffy nose. As stuffy nose doesn’t need isolation (although the mask suggestion is solid), but once you’re showing multiple covid symptoms (there are many to choose from), and especially a fever with any of them, you need to assume it’s covid.

    • Cat

      yes, they are reliable. Regular old colds are circulating, too. I feel like everyone’s immune system is out of practice this year!

    • MND

      They’re reliable but not perfect. If you feel like you have COVID but its not showing up on the test, it’s probably worth being cautious (e.g., masking and not seeing vulnerable people). FWIW, I agree with the folks saying there are a lot of non-COVID viruses & colds going around – but no need to share those either!

      • Anonymous

        Exactly. If you have symptoms (of Covid or a cold or of flu or whatever), just stay home and isolate from others. How hard is this? Everyone can work from home and everyone can get grocery delivery and everything else can waif. See you in 2022. If you are a single mom of small children, you will need to feed the kids. Otherwise, just isolate and keep those germs to yourself. Even Christmas can happen when you are better if that is important.

        • Anon

          “Everyone can work from home”

          As a point of fact, everyone cannot. I realize many people on this board are in that situation, but that is far from universal, and the lack of federally-mandated paid sick leave means some people have to work with cold symptoms or not get paid, and thus might lose their housing when they can’t make rent. Or, for folks who work in fields like public safety, health care, public services, etc. – if they don’t work, citizens suffer, because right now there is very little bench strength to back up folks in those fields when they’re not on the job.

          Sometimes the privilege and myopia exhibited by folks on this board gets exhausting. Not every worker in America has a cush office job that can be done via laptop while someone is sitting on the couch in their pajamas.

          • WFO

            Thank you. Not all of us can work at home, even on this very privileged board.

        • No Face

          Staying home when sick is one thing, but full blown isolation from all other household members every time someone has a cold is not realistic.

    • Allie

      Just FYI – my friend just PCRed negative on the first day of symptoms and then tested positive on the 5th day of symptoms. The NYC situation seems insane right now.

    • Anonymous

      Get tested for the flu. I live in NYC and the pharmacy near me tested me for both COVID and the flu. No COVID, but positive for the flu. Like 10 of my friends also have the flu. It’s bad this year!

    • Anonymous

      Demetech, who makes my favorite masks here in the US, now has rapid tests available to order online.

    • Nora

      I’ll just tell my story.
      I got my booster before Thanksgiving. 3 doses Pfizer. I have asthma so was eligible to get it a bit earlier.
      At my (early December) work holiday party someone had COVID.
      Due to a series of circumstances I didn’t find out about that.
      11 days after the holiday party I happened to take a rapid test and a PCR test.
      The rapid test was negative.
      The PCR was positive.

      The theory is that I got COVID at the holiday party, was asymptomatic, and got better/wasn’t contagious by the time I took the rapid test. You can still get a positive PCR test for a while after you have COVID.

      • Anon

        Thank you. So much misunderstanding about testing on this thread. (Work in healthcare and am involved in the study and design of diagnostic tests – 95% of our focus for the past 18+ months has been COVID.)

  6. Anon

    I just got engaged this month. My in-laws-to-be and extended family are absolutely lovely and wonderful, and it is very important to both of us to celebrate with them. Planning an event that they would not be able to attend is essentially pointless to us. They are also mostly older and some are immunocompromised, and everyone is very very cautious (Christmas is canceled again this year).

    Given everything we know now about COVID, what advice would you give us for planning a wedding? We would like to do it in 2022, as some of these family members are declining and we don’t have infinite time. We are in NYC and family is either here or in the hudson valley, so we would like to geographically keep it here. We’re thinking September 2022, outdoors, but beyond that… we have no ideas. Thank you in advance for your thoughts!

    Also if anyone has suggestions for a wedding planner who could work with us and our finite budget… I’m all ears.

    • Anon

      Come up north! Saratoga Springs and/or the Lake George area. You can have a really lovely wedding and the weather is perfect in September.

      • BeenThatGuy

        +1 if it’s in your budget, look at the Sagamore on Lake George in Bolton Landing

        Closer to NYC is the Mohonk House. It’s worth a look.

      • Anonymous

        I was a bridesmaid in my best friend’s wedding in Lake George! She got married on the dock at Bolton Landing. I live in NYC and it was a long-ish drive but fine for making a weekend out of it.

    • Anonymous

      What about renting out a bnb or similar that has some events/catering staff? I got married last summer in a state park that has a house that you can rent. Our immediate families stayed with us for the weekend, everything else was either outside or in a very large barn with good ventilation. The park partners with a caterer/management company who took care of almost everything. My only caveat is to make sure you have a good relationship with the vendor’s representative because they will be handling like 90% of your wedding. I didn’t and it made everything a lot harder than it needed to be; in retrospect I wish I’d listened to my gut the first time the guy seemed a little off because it only got worse. But I have other friends who did the bnb thing with great success!

    • Anon

      I would do it in May, which is generally lovely, and before Memorial Day weekend. It is far enough from spring break that it should be tranquil, relatively, COVID-wise. Also, if it isn’t good, you could push to September and still get married in 2022.

        • Anon

          Don’t places with outside venues have copious heat lamps and fire pits still? I was thinking that that would manage any chill then, especially if you are near NYC vs far upstate. September can be chilly too here and there, but generally nice. Mid-June, before schools get out?

          In NYC, places seem to book up years in advance, so I’m thinking you are maybe looking at state parks anyway (NJ has lovely ones) and restaurant patios anyway.

    • Jz

      A ton of venue options in upstate and the weather in the summer time is perfect all season long (other than the occasional heat wave). Plenty of airbnbs are available for wedding events too. I would not say that it’s cheap however. Outdoor/country weddings are increasingly trendy even pre covid

    • Anon

      First of all congrats! We went to a beautiful wedding at the roundhouse in beacon, Ny. Also know someone who got married at the garrison in garrison, Ny and oz farm in saugerties, ny. Would you consider having a family only wedding? The smaller the wedding the easier probably to handle logistically and budget wise. I’ve mostly attended weddings with 200+ people so to me anything with 150 or less is on the smaller side

      • Anon

        Thanks for all the ideas so far! We’re looking at 50-100 people, family and friends. Spouse-to-be has a lot of family and I have almost none (just a sibling, who is single, no parents or extended family) but many close friends. A large chunk of those people will be kids, whom we love and definitely want to include.

        • Anon

          With that size group I’d also look at restaurants. If budget is a challenge and you want to include kids, consider a lunch/brunch wedding or a Sunday afternoon (I’m Jewish and bc of issues with a late sunset on Saturday night, I’ve been to a bunch of Sunday weddings). You don’t want to do too early so you don’t have to start getting ready at the crack of dawn

    • Anon

      I suggest planning for the event to be entirely outside, so target June. Summer camps or resorts where you can rent a big outdoor space and ideally some people can stay on site are ideal. I would also plan for the event to be as small as possible – the bigger it is, the more likely you will need to cancel when the date gets closer if COVID things change.

    • Anonymous

      Yay! congratulations!
      I’m confused as to why people are suggesting upstate when she says she wants to keep it local to nyc? Quasi -local?

      If you’re down for a lovely but typical type wedding, I know lessings does the catering at the state parks here on Long Island. So you get married on overlooking a beach or golf course. They do the whole heavy cocktail hour plus plated dinner thing. You would not need a wedding planner- they just tell you which vendors to pick from. Everything is handicapped accessible and indoor/outdoor. I wonder if westChester county has the equivalent?

      • Cat

        I’m guessing because finding somewhere that is inexpensive and Covid-friendly (i.e., all-outdoor) on less than a year’s notice in NYC is a REALLY tall order to fill, so suggestions of having it a 3-4 hour drive from the city — still totally doable for a weekend trip — are fair game IMHO :)

        • Anon

          If you are willing to drive 3-4 hours, I recommend The Poconos and much of NW NJ. There are lots of golf courses, lake resorts, ski resorts with lots of off-season rentals and outdoor spaces, etc. Also state and county parks. Boarding and private school chapels may be available to rent even for non-alumni.

    • Anonymous

      Full Moon Resort in the Catskills might work for you. They primarily do events where everyone stays onsite for a whole weekend, but they have different options. It is kind of a hippy wedding factory. Figuring out how many people will be attending will help a lot in your planning – it tends to eliminate a lot of potential venues right away because they are either too big or too small.

    • NYNY

      Teatown in Ossining hosts weddings. I think there’s an attendance limitation, but it’s an inexpensive venue, which leaves you more budget for other things.

  7. BeenThatGuy

    I’m in the same area and wait times at urgent care clinics are 6 plus hours these last few days. To make things worse, all appointments are booked up at pharmacies. If you tested negative on a rapid test recently, I’d suggest getting another test 2-3 days after you received that result (assuming you are planning on being around people soon). Better to be safe than sorry.

    FWIW, I’ve tested positive on a rapid test and then negative on a PCR (both swabbed at the same time, by the same person, in the same facility). Rapid test are not always accurate. Good luck!

  8. Anon

    Recommendations for queen flannel sheet sets that will stand up to my ability to shrink things ever so slightly that they tend to pop off of mattress corners and are a struggle to wrestle on? I love the coziness, but I have a set that is just too exhausting to continue to battle and may be for to make a dog bed cover out of.

  9. Bonnie Kate

    What’s your favorite non-small talk questions for casual conversations? I’m totally with the people that find the small talk mind-numbing at times (although sometimes I really don’t mind it), but sometimes at a loss at what exactly to ask that’s not weird AF.

    • MechanicalKeyboard

      What’s your favorite non-small talk questions for casual conversations? I’m totally with the people that find the small talk mind-numbing at times (although sometimes I really don’t mind it), but sometimes at a loss at what exactly to ask that’s not weird AF.

        • anon

          Lol. I don’t watch much TV, and the only thing I’ve seen on Netflix (or any streaming site) this year is Bridgerton :-)

    • AnonInfinity

      I like to ask people what their favorite vacation was or something similar to that. You’ll learn about their interests, sometimes a cool place for travel talk, their families, etc. Lots of avenues for questions after that.

      It’s kind of small talk, but I enjoy talking about books, so I ask people what they’re reading sometimes as well if they seem like they’d like to discuss that.

      • Allie

        This is my favorite too. I love talking about vacation. I love hearing about vacation. It’s a great topic. I also like asking if someone has any fun plans in the upcoming weekend. Easy question – interesting answers.

        • Anon

          Travel is pretty much the only thing I enjoy making small talk about. Part of why my current boss and I get along so well is that he likes talking travel too (unlike all my other male bosses who preferred sports).

    • anon a mouse

      I default to travel – especially now, asking about where people are most excited to go once travel fully resumes, or their best vacation, or the destination they’ve been to before but most want to visit again.

    • Ribena

      I tend to find I end up in sports chat – often including me talking about having gotten into Peloton classes during the last couple of years.

      • Cat

        oh man we are polar oppos-tes on this, lol. I do not really follow any type of sportsball and have adored not having to nod along during WFH :)

        Travel plans are a good one, also I know a lot of people are doing work on their homes, so we can compare successes and “omg you found WHAT in the wall?” fails.

    • Anan

      I like to ask, “what’s keeping you busy these days?” I find it gives people the option of answering within their comfort zone.
      Another one that I like when the dreaded but inevitable, “What do you do?” comes up is to follow it with, “How did you get there?”

    • Anon

      Ask people about themselves because people love to talk about themselves. My go-to is to ask someone how they ended up in the Bay Area (most aren’t from here, and if they are, then I get their parents’ stories which are even better) or how they ended up in their profession.

  10. Anonymous

    Woot I just won a Piaget watch in an online auction for $12. Amy suggestions on how to assess if it’s real/fix/resell?

    • Cat

      for $12 I’m gonna go with “not real” lol – but hopefully it’s still pretty on the wrist!

      • Anonymous

        Not necessarily, I got a real one once for about 26 at auction. Sometimes you genuinely get lucky with an auction at a weird time and none of the bidders have the interest or knowledge to bid on certain items.

  11. anon for this

    Sharing here because I can’t with any of my real life friends… but I just found out that my raise will push me over $200K in salary for the first time in my life. I’m in my 40s and lost my job during the last financial crisis, as did my husband. There were some very, very lean times in there but we managed to keep our house and come out intact. I’m finally ahead of where I was a decade ago, and in a job that I love, with a much better grip on my financial future. It’s a great way to end a very difficult year.

  12. Anon for This

    This might be a long shot, but has anyone here made the switch from a corporate law firm to plaintiffs side work at a small firm? If so, would you mind sharing your experience?

    • Anon

      I work at a plaintiff side firm and have seen tons of people make this move, though mostly as associates (not counsel or partner). Most love it. A big frustration is much less admin support – there are no overnight paralegals and secretaries aren’t on call all weekend. A big learning curve is that you need to jump in and drive the bus on overall strategy, not wait to have some discrete assignment given to you. Some people also are disappointed that the hours are still significant for less pay (though nothing like biglaw hours and you get a ton more flexibility in most cases).

  13. Anon

    We are trying to find a local will & trust person. Years ago, we named guardians. But thanks to beaucoup life insurance from my current job in a new state and retirement funds that recovered from the recession, if I die after spouse and while the kids are <18, they will get a shocking amount of money. Their guardians are a nurse and firefighter (cousin + spouse in a different part of our current state), so adding our kids would be a burden to them (which $$$ can fix), as they have their own kids and even with bedroom sharing, would need a larger house. I know that estate planners will be able to give some guidance, but I am guessing we need a trust (b/c no 19YO needs lots of $ and I'm imagining that they'd go to their guardians for college holidays, etc.), so the prior will will need a separate trust document now. This is garden variety stuff for estate planners, yes, even for people who aren't "rich" (I'm not rich alive, only dead).

    • No Face

      Word of mouth is a good way to find an attorney. Post your location and people may know someone.

    • anon

      I’m not an attorney, but I think this is all pretty standard estate planning stuff given my experience with my own estate attorney. We covered all sorts of theoretical scenarios that involved us passing at various kid’s ages and the hypothetical ability of guardians to take DD in to their care/custody. We have large life insurance policies and fairly substantial current assets. I don’t even think I’d want a 25 year old to have access to all of it let alone a minor. I’d bet that from our attorney’s perspective it wasn’t a particularly complex set of estate docs, but it was absolutely customized given various scenarios and circumstances surrounding the hypothetical death of both parents.

      • anne-on

        A friend is a trusts/estates attorney and she always says that the closer her client’s kids get to 25 the further out they push the date of inheritance. She recommends inheritance of a trust at 30, and any disbursement before that only for education, healthcare needs, or downpayment on a first home.

        • Anon

          I’ve seen disbursements from trusts at 25, 30, and 35, subject to an override (pay for rehab but stop distributions, etc.). So maybe a spendthrift trust (maybe set up that way b/c of reasons)?

          A friend lost his mom suddenly at age 10 (parents were no longer together) and he inherited the tort settlement money at 18. He bought a Maxima then, which was very fancy for us, but otherwise didn’t do anything wild even though he had been very poor as a kid (so a lot of that money was immediately needed). He is just a great person now and became a gym teacher and coach and the extended family who raised him did a good job with a rough task.

      • Anon

        We said age 25 or a four year college degree, whichever comes first. My kids are now 21 and 19 and I can see how my older child (daughter) would be responsible with the money it if it came to that. My sister is still the executor and guardian (not that guardian technically applies any longer) and as executor she has discretion. She is wealthy and a whiz at financial stuff, so I can also totally see my kids respectfully relying on her advice.

  14. Botox, baby!

    I’m 44 and am finally seeing signs of faint 11s between my brows. I’ve been holding off from doing Botox for as long as I can, but I think the moment has arrived. Is it okay to just have my regular derm administer Botox (I know this is a service she offers, but I don’t think it’s her “thing”, or is it worth it to do research and go to someone who is known for their skill in this area?
    If the latter, anyone got a good injector in NYC? :)

    • MND

      I did my first botox treatment ever with my derm this month. She does both medical dermatology and cosmetic, and seems to do a good amount of botox & fillers (and also does her own, so I could see her work on her face!) I did a consult at my annual mole check and then went back a few weeks later to start the process. I recognize I may be paying more for her versus a non-doctor practioner (she doesn’t charge “per unit” but rather “per site” so it’s hard to compare), but for my first time I definitely wanted someone knowledgeable who I could trust so going with a dr I’ve seen for several years seemed like a good option.

    • Anon

      So go right now, Botox works best if you start early or before you have to. Derms tend to do a lot so it’s probably fine. I go to a plastic surgeon’s office, but am not in your area and prefer that as the backdrop to a medspa.

      • Anonymous

        THIS. I’m so confused as to why people put off Botox. Botox is preventative- go now!

        • Anon

          Um, because it’s an expensive, invasive procedure that involves injecting a toxin into your face? And you have to do it forever, if you want the continued results?

          • Anon

            Yes, it’s expensive but it’s not invasive nor is it a “toxin” – you don’t have to do it, that’s fine, but stop with the drama.

          • Anon

            I’m honestly not sure what would meet the definition of toxin if not botox.

          • Anon

            It’s absolutely a toxin, that’s how it works. Don’t throw around factoids you know nothing about.

            And I say this as a person who has had botox several times, but at least I knew what it was and made a thoughtful decision about it. I can easily see how someone would reach a different conclusion.

          • Anon

            You do know that the “Tox” part of botox stands for “toxin” right? BoTox is a portmonteau of “Botulinum toxin,” the scientific name for it. I get botox! But it is literally a toxin.

      • kitten

        Agree. I always request the same injector for fillers but for 11’s botox I just take whoever is available at my clinic on the date I want.

        FWIW, 11’s botox is in my opinion the best bang for your buck of all the procedures I do. It got rid of my 11s and gives me a slight brow lift. After a few years of doing it, I don’t need that many units to maintain.

  15. Anon

    Anyone a fan of The Great? I watched the first episode and I want to keep watching but I have a really hard time with watching women be mistreated. Does it get any better or is this going to like watching Sansa go through horror after horror before being free?

    • MND

      The tables definitely start to turn so you’ve probably seen one of the worst episodes in terms of women-mistreatment, but the whole series is extremely graphic and not for everyone. FWIW, I really like it and have a lower tolerance for ongoing character abuse (I didn’t watch GOT but struggled with Breaking Bad because of how much mistreatmetn Jessie Pinkman received) but found that the overall package was worth it!

    • Anon

      Imo the first episode was the worst for this. Starting in the second episode, she builds a plan and more power that, per history, ends in her being empress. I’d watch a few more and see how you feel.

    • Desky

      I’d agree that it definitely gets better for the female characters after a few episodes. (And I so hear you on Sansa. Still mad about s5.)

    • Anon

      It gets better! (Although be aware that this show is egregiously historically inaccurate!)

  16. anon

    I missed the 30-day return window for a therawave on Amaz*n. I used to be able to chat with a customer service rep but now I have to answer some questions about my return and it takes me to a page that says that my item is no longer eligible for return. I swear I looked this up and saw that my return window was until Jan 2022, but I didn’t take a screenshot, of course. Has this happened to you? What has worked?

    • Cat

      when did you order it? Amazon has been doing returns until 1-31-22 to allow for holiday advance shopping. all of my orders going back to October have that showing on my “your orders” page…

      • anon

        I ordered it in september and my returns page says it is no longer eligible for return. wahhh. I like but dont love the product and would prefer to return it.

    • PLB

      I use the chat function and ask for an allowance to make a late return. I’ve never been denied.

      • anon

        OP here – i used it a couple of times and decided that i don’t love it and let it sit around my house (in the box and packing material. My post did not specifically state that I used it for months and tried to return it. Sheesh, people.

  17. Anonymous

    If you have an upcoming holiday vacation, what are you looking forward to doing? I’d love to hear ideas to recharge during my staycation. I’ve been feeling stressed at work and just down about COVID. In Boston if anyone has local recs for a fun day trip! I do plan to read for fun and bake!

    • Anon

      I just started two weeks off (university employer). My parents are here for most of it. We’re mostly staying home (unvaxxed 4 year old) and planning a lot of baking, reading, watching TV and movies, doing art, puzzles, board games, ice skating or sledding if it ever snows. We don’t celebrate Christmas but mom and I are cooking a Sunday roast with roasted potatoes and Yorkshire pudding this weekend. It’s been weirdly warm here so lots of walking around to see holiday lights in our neighborhood. We’re doing a restaurant meal in an igloo for the first time next week, and going to a holiday light display at a museum in the city closer to New Year’s.

    • AIMS

      I am hoping to make a bunch of recipes I ‘saved’ but haven’t cooked because I’ve been too busy.
      Read ( just got Our Country Friends from the library and super excited!).
      And do outdoor stuff with my kids. Lots of local places in NY are doing holiday light shows so I’m hoping to take advantage of the early darkness and take my kids.

      Of course I’m also extremely paranoid we’ll all get sick and be unable to do any of it but I think that’s just what it is at this point.

      • Anonymous

        AIMS, what are your light show destinations? We’re in Brooklyn and thought Lightscape at the BBG was great – it covers most of the garden and exceeded my expectations.

          • AIMS

            PS – since you’re in BK, a recommendation – we just went to Industry City and had the best time. There is ice skating and kids can have hot cocoa (they have a loaded “candy” version with a ton of candy and marshmallows in it that my kids are obsessed with), run around outside with music, and it wasn’t too crowded and I was able to actually just sit and drink a hot toddy and just enjoy them.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Thank you for the reminder to put my book holds in at the library! I’m off next week and also planning to read and watch scary movies. I will also finally replace the cabinet hardware in the bathroom so I will feel like I accomplished something.

    • Anonymous

      A few Boston-area things:
      Taking the kids to Old Sturbridge Village’s Christmas by Candlelight! One is too young to be vaccinated so we are sticking to outdoor things.
      Snowport holiday market at the Seaport.
      Driving around the nearest suburbs to look for lit-up houses (or if you’re closer to the city center, Somerville has an Illuminations map each year).
      Catching up on a lot of reading and baking. Jigsaw puzzles with my puzzle-loving kid and Lego with the Lego-fanatic. Maybe a winter lights run downtown with a friend.

    • Anon

      Binging The Good Fight because my dad got a free Paramount Plus trial and is letting me share.

    • Boston boredom

      If you like pretty walks and don’t mind the cold, highly recommend both The Crane Estate in Ipswich and World’s End in Hingham. Both are managed by the Trustees, have an entrance fee, are about an hour from Boston and are really beautiful!

    • Anonnymouse

      Fellow short-ish curvy here!
      1. Above-the-knee skirt/dress with black tights. I would probably go with an all-black look with a cool jacket/bomber/moto.
      2. Pants/jeans that hit right at the top on the boot, with a half-tucked slouchy sweater. Again, would keep at least the bottom half all black to not break up the leg line.
      Would also incorporate v-necks or a long pendant necklace to add vertical lines.

    • Anonymous

      I have these boots! I’m tall and wear them with jeans or leggings and a tunic!

  19. Anonymous

    For some reason one of th executives in my org hired a new admin who insists on doing everything via a weird combination of fax/scan/email and I just want to scream. Thank you for listening to my rant. I’ll go back to silently cursing this dinosaur while doing work that’s thrice as difficult as it should be.

  20. Anon

    Hi– Looking for some job advice. I am at a smaller lifestyle firm. Overall, I like who I work with and enjoy coming into the office. I also generally enjoy the work I do. I am a senior associate (7-8 years out) and due to the nature of the firm am still about 2-3 years away from becoming partner. However, I generally expected to start transitioning out of some of the more junior grunt work and getting more responsibility (to more towards being partner) after we hired two new associates this fall. That has been the case with work I receive from several partners at the firm, but not with one partner– who unfortunately is one of the younger partners and seems to hold a large number of the firm’s clients. She consistently give me (and another female associate at a similar experience level to me) poor feedback but then insists we do all of her work– and will not distribute it to anyone else. This means that roughly half of my work at the moment is “grunt” work for her– all cases that settle pre-suit, no client interaction, no interaction with other attorneys– which limits my ability to do other work where I can actually learn and grow. I have talked to the managing partner at our firm about this– who told me she had been unaware me and this other associate were being monopolized to do this work and would fix it. At this point though, I am becoming increasingly skeptical this is going to get fixed and that I may be blocked from becoming partner by this toxic person. How long should I wait to see if things improve? Should I just move on?

    • Anon

      Can you not subdelegate?

      People give me (partner, but recent)) work to do and expect me really to do the partner-level tasks and delegate down to associates and then I review their work. My billing rate won’t justify doing grunt work and clients would be enraged at that. While a client may have billing guidelines ordinariy forbidding first years from working on their work, they always come around if the relationship manager says “Anon can do for X per hour for Y hours or you might prefer for her to review the work of her associates, which will result in a bill of roughly 1/3-1/2 less than if she does it all herself.”

      • Anon

        OP– That was my initial plan with this work, but I was told by the partner on the file that I am not allowed to delegate the work and that the “client” says I must remain on the work due to my “institutional knowledge.” Note– I have no client contact, so it is unclear how the client would be able to tell me to remain on the work and I get no credit for this work for referrals, etc.

    • Anon

      Sounds like this partner has it out for you and your colleague and I would not expect it to get much better.

  21. Anonymous

    Hive, I have a really urgent question about PPMs for an entertainment attorney. It is a critical question and I would so appreciate any help. My production company has received conflicting legal advice on this matter and we are not sure what to do. If you can help, please email lawyerentburner@gmail.com. Happy to pay for advice, thank you!

  22. Curious

    I would just like to share that I figured out how to get the hospital to give me salt packets with meals and life is infinitely better.
    Small wins.

    • Anonymous

      Thinking of you and wishing you all the salt packets and everything else that makes life just a little bit easier.

    • Seventh Sister

      I’m so happy for you! I remember my mother getting SO ANGRY when the hospital wouldn’t give my very very sick grandmother any salt packets.The doctor was on board, and it wound up being A Thing where my mom actually brought in a salt shaker because food that tasted “right” was basically the only thing my little old Dust Bowl grandma enjoyed at that point.

    • Anonymous

      Aw congrats! No small feat. I hope you’re doing great. Kick that @$ ing cancer to the curb!
      You might enjoy checking out mycancerchic blog/website. She’s funny and helpful.

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