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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Awful Lawful
Kat’s back! Welcome back Kat. I enjoyed having the guest posters while you were gone, it was nice to have a different perspective. It seemed like a pretty seamless transition, which I hope was the case for you as well.
Congratulations, we’re glad to have you back!
Kat
Thanks! Still some guest posts slated for the afternoon posts this week and next, but it’s good to be back (sort of)!
Ellen
Yes, welcome back Kat!
I like this dress alot, but this dress is to expensive for me; but mabye the manageing partner will give me a big bonus–then I can aford it.
Monday
Again: LOST GROOEV.
Always a NYer
Welcome back, Kat!!!
It’s been a while since there’s been a “What are you wearing?” thread. With the weather changing, I’d love to read what everyone is wearing today.
I’m wearing a teal silk-blend long-sleeve blouse tucked into a burgundy pencil skirt with black tights and black patent pumps. My long hair is pulled back and I’m wearing my usual jewelry (watch, gold bracelet, claddagh) and gold hoops.
GRA
Red, elbow length sleeve Calvin Klein dress, nude-to-me heels, and gold watch/earrings. It’s going to be 79 degrees here in NH – I am ready for fall weather/temperatures!!!
Sydney Bristow
Navy skirt suit, white short sleeve button up, orange sweater with elbow-length sleeves, and black flats. I haven’t left the house yet, so I haven’t decided on jewelry yet, but I’m thinking of wearing my copper statement necklace.
Dee
Student here. Wearing shorts and a white tank top while studying at home – and wet hair, lol. Later when I go to class I’ll probably throw on straight leg jeans, black flats, and a colorful cardigan over that tank top what I’m wearing now. And a long necklace with an elephant because I’m currently obsessed with elephants. All these clothes are from BR/JCrew and their respective outlets because I’m too lazy to shop in other stores.
I also currently have dark gray nails which I’m LOVING! but will take off before my internship tomorrow, boo.
Also, I picked up some dry shampoo at Target last night, as soon as I’ve had a chance to try it I’ll let you guys know how that worked out!
E
I think dark gray nails are just fine in the office. It’s my favorite fall nail color and I wear it all the time at my business dress code law office. I’d leave it on if you like it. The only colors I’d avoid are extremely bright colors, which are attention grabbing.
Always a NYer
I love dark grey nails!!! I wore them to work all last week, removing it only yesterday because it was chipping and bothering me. Is your intership very formal? I was worried about wearing it to work but after observing light blue nail polish on a higher up I decided that dark grey was fine ;)
Dee
If I was a permanent employee, I’d definitely wear them. But since I’m an intern, this place is very formal, and I’m hoping to get hired, I don’t want to take any chances that a higher up thinks they are too much. I’ll be sad to see them go, though!
Missy
If I were.
AnonInfinity
I thought there was an unspoken agreement here to stop doing this. It is lame.
AnonInfinity
I think that’s wise, Dee.
I had navy blue nails a couple of weeks ago, and I felt like everyone was noticing my hands (I asked a trusted friend and he said that he definitely noticed it and noticed my gestures more).
I love the dark grey, though! Good luck with your internship!
Nevadan
In the office just for a few minutes, it’s kind of a holiday. I’m wearing good blue jeans from Coldwater Creek, plain black sweater from J. Crew, and a black silk shirt (my favorite) from Banana.
I don’t like that blue dress – it is like the old country flour sack clothing from the 19th century.
E
Pink camisole, black pajama capris, glasses. I’m on vacation!
Bunkster
Burnt orange boatneck 3-quarter sleeve Tahari shirt. Black slim-fit yoga pants. I’m working from home. Will change to a bikini and mini skirt in a while. I’m going to spend my lunch hour on the beach.
Anon
Teal, green, ivory and brown DVF wrap dress, slouchy ivory blazer, green Tory Burch reva flats, navy purse, blown out hair slightly wavy from sleeping on it, because I had to get up and be at work at 6am. Also, the air conditioning isn’t working today (maybe because it’s Columbus day?) so I’m so glad for dressing in layers.
AJ
Burnt orange jersey dress, black ballet flats, large dangly silver earrings shaped like peacock feathers. I’m so ready for fall, but it’s going to hit 86 in New York today.
1L-1
I’m wearing a stormy gray/blue cardigan, black flary skirt, and black flats. Accessories: gold headband, pearl earrings, and roman glass necklace in a somewhat steampunk frame. Very pretty!
Diana Barry
Shorts and t-shirt – we have Columbus day off.
Equity's Darling
Pink TNA tank top and old navy boxers with little dogs on them. It’s Thanksgiving, and I’m just lounging and doing some work. I may buck up and actually go TO work later this afternoon, but I’d prefer to avoid that if I can…
LSC
Salmon pink, 3/4 sleeve, scoop neck sweater with black slacks and black flats. Silver Skagen watch, pearls, and tiny hoop earrings. Nothing like finally getting to wear the sweater I bought on super sale in May!
Annie
White oxford 3/4 sleeve shirt, tan woven 3/4 sleeve blazer, dark jeans, camel suede boots. Statement necklace with silver chains and blue thread (hard to describe), layered silver bracelets and blue stone earrings.
JJ
Black skinny leg maternity pants, cobalt blue maternity tank, camel open front cardigan belted with a skinny leopard-print belt (above the bump, if you please), and 4 inch black peep toes. Actually feeling relatively put together seeing as how most of my clothes (maternity and non) are in the awkward “fit but look terrible on me” stage of pregnancy.
lostintranslation
you sound cuter than I do!
I’m wearing super stretchy AG jeans (refuse to call them jeggings), a long sleeve tissue tee, and a kind of itchy knit vest. I’m working from home, so when I go outside, I’m in a rain coat and uggs.
jcb
Rust-brown flowy silk top with an open neckline with ties and double layer flowy short sleeves, over an ivory cami wth a satin band across the top. Medium gray pinstripe pants and light brown snakeskin 2.5″ stacked heels. Wearing an oval cats’ eye pendant and black pearl stud earrings. Loving the warm fall weather in Chicago!
Sharon
Sleeveless white blouse with sunny yellow three-quarter sleeve cardigan over it. Light gray cropped pants. Missoni shoes (real – not from Target) with vibrant colors – these shoes are go-to shoes, they go with everything and add some interest to an otherwise nondescript outfit.
Herbie
Plaid J. Crew perfect shirt, sleeves rolled up; dark wash jeans; laceless Chucks; black Under Armour hoodie. Can you tell we’re casual?
Jen
Cobalt BR sweater (thin, elbow-length sleeves). Black cami. Khakis. Brown Chucks. Three rock necklace and watch. At home, so teal zip-up sweatshirt. I have to go in later, so I’ll probably switch to a navy corduroy blazer.
Ekaterin Nile
I’m wearing a gray Calvin Klein dress with a long black jacket and my Chanel ballet flats (black with black patent tips).
coree
Well, I’m on UK time so I’m currently in lounge pants and a tshirt laying on my bed but I wore a dark grey Ellen Tracy Wrap skirt, a lighter grey silk blouse and a purple wool cardigan. I’m in grad school and am ridiculously formal compared to my peers. I just got used to dressing up and feel so much better in pencil skirts and blouses rather than jeans.
Kanye East
Strategically placed spreadsheets.
jcb
hahahaha
Ann Taylor Perfect Pumps?
Anyone have advice on how Ann Taylor Perfect Pumps fit? I have been hearing good things about these shoes and was going to splurge on a pair. I usually wear a 6.5 in shoes from JCrew or Zara, 6 in Nine West or Aldo. Thanks ladies!
meme
I find them true to size. My feet are narrow and they work well for me.
Annie
Love them and they fit true to size. Just ordered two pair this weekend. Check out extra petite’s blog. She’s got a 30% off coupon you can stack on top of the 40%.
LawyrChk
True to size. I have 2 pair and love them.
eh230
True to size, but they are too narrow for my wide feet.
ADL
True to size. I have wide feet and actually find that I didn’t have to size up (which I normally do on regular shoes). I got a pair from the outlet/factory store this weekend and can’t wait to wear them. Definitely buy them with a coupon, no need to buy full price.
CSF
Oh I love everything about this dress (except the price). I so wish it were in my budget!
GRA
Me, too! Love the color and the style … much more interesting than a basic sheath. The price is a drawback …. but it is Splurge Monday!!
CSF
Oh yes. And the bad thing about this splurge Monday is that it is cheaper than most of them, so I can’t dismiss it as more than a house payment immediately! Makes the longing that much more bitter. For a dress this basic, yet unique, in one or two more years of salary increases, I could see splurging on this one.
BigHTown
Black sweater tank tucked into a Joseph Ribbkoff fit-and-flare black skirt with white insets in the godets, nude hose, purple kitten heels (Pour La Victorie – prixie), and a plum snap front Eliott Lauren jacket. Usual glasses, wedding rings, silver watch and bracelet, two strings of larger gery and smaller black freshwater pearls (redone and knotted myslef, orig. from SF chinatown as separate strands).
Happy Columbus Day to all ‘rettes! Working here in now rain soaked Texas.
anonymiss
I love this dress. Particularly the sleeves, which would mean I wouldn’t have to wear a cardigan over it. It’s such a beautiful color too, and would work in so many season. I really wish I were not a student so that I could splurge on this…
Equity's Darling
Is this dress not reminiscent of the one that Anya made on Project Runway’s most recent episode? Other than the colour and the sleeves? I really like both of the dresses, I just thought I’d point that out….
Equity's Darling
http://tinyurl.com/3b738nx
Link to picture of Anya’s dress from Project Runway.
SarahJ
Ooh, totally! Anya’s going like gangbusters in the competition, isn’t she?!
jcb
She totally is. I think it will come down to her and Victor. And, yes, this dress is definitely reminiscent of hers, with the front pleating action. Really love today’s dress, but wish it had long sleeves (like on the other dress by that designer on the shopbop site).
anon
I have a tailoring question, I just bought this dress to wear to a wedding, in a dark cranberry color. I love the dress, it is so flattering, with the exception that it shows a little too much cleavage for me. I’m hoping a tailor can sew in a snap or something to bring the neckline up, but I’m worried that it might be difficult with this kind of jersey material. Has anyone done that with a jersey dress, and did it look okay?
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/lauren-by-ralph-lauren-elsie-matte-jersey-dress/3107978
CSF
I’ve seen a hook enclosure sewn in well to a top like this that just pulls the material closer together. The only problem with the hook is that it would sometimes (happened twice) come undone, and then you’re back to the cleavagey square one.
lostintranslation
Great dress! If anything, I think the stretchy jersey material would make it easier to adjust the neckline – it does on the similarly cut wrap dress I have.
MelD
Usually with jersey I just wear a pretty camisole underneath. I think jersey is more likely to stretch in an unattractive manner. With a thicker material, I think it would be less likely to come undone.
Missy
I have a jersey dress with the same issue, and I use a strip of double-sided fashion tape whenever I wear it. Very simple fix.
SF Bay Associate
+1 on fashion tape for jersey dresses. Nordie’s lingerie department sells it on a nice scotch-tape-esque roll. Great stuff.
anon
Thanks, that sounds like a good solution.
SoCal.Esq.
As others have posted, Ann Taylor is having a 40% off sale. You can get an additional 20% off on top of that with promo code: ATCARES. Don’t know how long the code is good for, but I tried it this morning and it’s working.
BAB
The code is good until Nov. 15. It’s from card AT is selling as a breast cancer fundraiser. You need to spend at least $100, and if you use your AT (or Loft) credit card, it’s 25 percent off.
Anon for this
Very frequent reader, very infrequent commenter.
I guess I’m just looking for some advice or motivation. After the end of a long relationship, I’ve been single for about 6 months. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing – getting out, trying new things, doing the internet thing. And it is *so* not going well. I go out once or twice a week with guys, almost always from Match or OkCupid (eHarmony doesn’t seem to be panning out for me this time around). And they. are. all. bums. Either they’re just totally uninteresting and unable to engage in intelligent conversation, or they’re kind of okay-ish, but in their mid- or late 30s but living in basement apartments with crap jobs.
Part of the problem may be that I live in Pittsburgh, where everybody gets married at 25. It seems like the professional guys I’d imagine I’d have the most in common with would rather date a 25 year old bimbo than a 34 year old attorney with thoughts and opinions about things.
I don’t mean to come off as a total snob, and I’m definitely open to meeting someone who isn’t a professional if they really ring my bells….but that’s not even happening.
After this novella, any advice? Words of wisdom?
Also Anon
I’m in the same situation, so I feel you. I don’t even bother to try Match because I live in a much smaller (college) town where most of the adults are married by 25-26ish. The ones who are available are completely sports obsessed or really religious, and there really aren’t that many of them by the time you reach our age.
SF Bay Associate
Caveat that I don’t know *anything* about Pennsylvania. But how far is Philly from Pittsburgh? If the dominant culture in Pittsburgh is that folks are married at 25, then you need to expand your geography outside Pittsburgh. Also, consider that maybe your target demographic, whatever that may be, is just not into online dating in Pittsburgh for whatever reason. So you need to look elsewhere than online. I have a friend from Philly, and my understanding is that folks out there of both genders are SUPER into the local sports teams. I love football, so maybe a good way to meet new men is to go to a nice sports bar, wear some Steelers gear, and have a great time cheering for the team. It’s possible you’re coming across as intimidating and unapproachable (I’ve been accused of this), so watching sports is a great equalizer. Strangers high-five after a great pass.
I’ll also note that, based on my limited understanding, Pittsburgh was hit pretty hard by the recession given its roots in manufacturing (though is reinventing itself in biotech, I believe?). A lot of people, including I suspect some very nice men, are currently living in basement apartments in crap jobs. Don’t reject someone simply because they have an ugly apartment and a bad job, especially if they are doing everything they can to move out and up from both. There but for the grace of deity-or-nondeity-of-choice go both you and I.
A Regular Lurker
Any advice on how to get into sports if you’re not? I’ve tried to like sports. I’ve heard it is a good way to meet/connect with men, and I also get told I have the intimidating/unapproachable vibe. Do you just pick one and run with it?
AnonInfinity
Two things helped me become interested in sports: 1. Becoming very active in a sport myself (track and triathlon) and 2. watching live sports.
I think when you’re involved in a sport, it becomes much easier to care what’s going on in the professional realm of that sport because you can admire those people and read about their training, etc. Live sporting events are really fun because of the energy of the crowd. I always hated football until I went to an NFL game and saw that they weren’t just a bunch of fat guys running into each other. Seeing it live helped me understand that there’s a lot more athleticism in the game than I ever gave it credit for.
A couple other things — Sports Illustrated is actually a really good magazine. There’s a feature story in there every few weeks that is well written and interesting, in my opinion. There are also “intelligent” sports shows out there like Real Sports with Bryant Gumble. They have stories about all kinds of sports, and it’s a news magazine program similar to 60 Minutes.
I’m still not a rabid football or basketball fan who can talk for hours and hours about the sports, but I now have a general appreciation for them and try to stay at least peripherally aware of the “good game” from the weekend so that I can participate in conversations.
Argie
I agree on the watching of live sports. I was eh about football (and still am regarding pro-ball), but went to several college games (Div 1) and the atmosphere with the students and the bands made the experience a lot more interesting. I think I even absorbed some of the football rules too.
Watching Friday Night Lights (tv series) also learned me some football by osmosis.
JJ
Also suggest going to a sporting event live. College games are (generally) more affordable than pro and usually a lot more fun: bands, students, the rituals, etc. Make yourself scan ESPN or Sports Illustrated or Yahoo! Sports websites each morning like you would the news. If you can stand it, start listening to a local sports radio station every now and then. If you can, find a friend that is interested in the sport you want to like (say, football) and go to a sports bar with them to watch the game. You’ll enjoy the camaraderie and you can ask them questions that might seem silly to you (“What’s the line of scrimmage, what are ‘downs,'”) etc.
MelD
If you’ve tried liking sports and just aren’t into them, I wouldn’t try to force it. There are plenty of guys out there with just a passing interest in sports (as opposed to an all-consuming interest). I know enough about sports to have a friendly conversation about the weekends’ games with the coworker in the adjacent office who really loves sports, but I don’t think I could date anyone who is that involved. I think it’s more important to find a man who shares some common interests instead of trying to force yourself to be more compatible with men who really don’t share your interests.
Jas
If you have friends into sports, I’d suggest going to a sports bar with them to watch some games. I have no interest in hockey, but it’s really fun to go to a bar where everyone is into it, plus if you get bored you can just chat about other things while you watch.
PittsburghAnon
I enjoy doing this, but I don’t have any local friends, and it’s really awkward to go watch the game at a bar alone when everyone else there is in a group.
Anon
Philly person here. Philly and Pittsburgh (where my sister lives, actually) are about 4 and a half hour drive apart (though only an hour, cheap flight). Pittsburgh actually fared way better during the recession than pretty much any other major city — I am almost jealous. The biggest industries are, like you said, tech, health care, biotech, pharmaceutical, and actually green building. Plus food industry like Heintz and Dole, and banking. Pittsburgh’s housing market didn’t crash or boom, it has been one of the most stable markets through this entire thing.
My sister has also had terrible luck with online dating in Pittsburgh, and has actually found a man through work, so that isn’t very helpful. I would actually say join the Junior League of Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh still has blue collar roots, so you have to seek out the professional-types. Junior League, weirdly enough for a women’s group, is an amazing way to meet men, especially in a smaller city like Pittsburgh. Everybody has brothers or sons or friends from college or etc. to bring along to happy hour events. I had very good luck in Nashville with this, and my friend in Orlando, both similarly-sized cities (as compared to say, Philly or NY).
So
I’m a ‘burgher, and I co-sign all of this, especially the Junior League rec – I’ve heard great things about it from folks around town, though I’m not personally involved. Also, try checking out events/programs at CMU or Pitt (or Chatham or Duquesne) that are aimed at faculty, since there are lots — I mean lots — of single male profs in their late thirties and forties who may have relocated to PGH for work without knowing many people.
Anon for this
Really? That’s so surprising to me. But I’ll definitely look into it, thanks guys!
CO
Wow, insightful advice SF Bay Associate! Puts it in perspective.
Monday
A few thoughts:
1) It sounds like you might benefit from doing a little more screening of guys before meeting them? If you were enjoying these many dates, that would be different, but instead you sound really frustrated. Maybe correspond slightly longer before deciding whether to go out with them, and give yourself permission to put the kibosh on anyone who, given a fair chance, doesn’t seem promising.
2) “It seems like the professional guys I’d imagine I’d have the most in common with would rather date a 25 year old bimbo than a 34 year old attorney with thoughts and opinions about things.” These are not, in fact, the guys you have most in common with! This type is boring and lame, and you should be glad if they are screening themselves out by not contacting you. You’re a 34 year old attorney with thoughts and opinions about things, so you’re automatically uninterested in any guy who doesn’t find that appealing.
I have no idea if Pittsburgh is the problem, but I will say I don’t believe in demographic analyses of one’s love life. You’re one woman, looking for one guy, after all! You don’t need the statistics to be in your favor (though of course that would be nice, and perhaps make things happen more quickly). Good luck!
Also anon for this
I keep hearing stories like this and can’t help thinking I’m going to end up alone. My only solace is that I won’t be the crazy cat lady because I hate cats.
I’m 23, just starting out in my career, and have never had a long-term relationship. I’ve never been the type to date just to date and feel maybe that’s hurting me now. My friends are all starting to couple up and keep asking me when I’m going to find someone. Is it really so unrealistic to think the right man is out there? At this stage in my life, building a solid career with an upward trajectory is my priority, not my love life.
Also, I’m not a casual person in any sense of the word and it seems that woman who don’t put out in some form get pushed aside for the easy bimbos. Where are the men who want an intelligent woman with her own career that aren’t completely dependent on that. Are all the good ones really married or gay?
Sorry for my rant. Just had to get that off my chest and see if anyone had comments.
BigHTown
Many intelligent, loving men are out there. They may be older than you, or you may have to wait a bit for your chronological mates to mature and get into adult life and pursuits.
As a professional woman, I always figured I’d “get my Ph.D. before my M.R.S.” as it was hard to find guys willing to date someone who in college knew she was going further in school and had a business/practice plan in place. I was surprised by finding the LofmyL cross my path in the church choir. Immediately smitten, stressed by the need to go for more education across the country from each other, and persisted to now, 27 years married. He’s my match (and more) intellectually and socially and it’s a great fit.
Seemed that it took a long time, but in retrospect not. Even colleagues in grad school weren’t what I wanted, although willing to date a peer.
Hang in there, don’t lower your standards and expectations, but broaden your net and activities.
It’s not you … yet.
hugs
Batgirl
Oh man, you’re so young. You’ve got plenty of time. Just don’t toss aside too many good guys and you’ll be fine. Put yourself out there, take some risks and you’ll find love.
anon
agree – you’re awfully (wonderfully!) young and shouldn’t be worrying about this now. a lot happens in your twenties and it all shapes who you are and the kind of person you want to be with. be open to dating and meeting new guys, work on your other personal/professional goals, and don’t let all those must-be-married-by-25 (or 30) people freak you out.
if i may say so myself, the stuff i did in my 20s was way more interesting than getting married. i’m getting married now, and i’m ready for it, but i wasn’t back then.
Porter
I agree with the other responses about your age and not worry about it. That being said, I think there is room in life to pursue both a career and a love life. It’s not one or the other. At your age it is helpful to date guys even if you aren’t sure they are “the one” just to get a better sense of what you want, how to successfully manage a relationship, etc. I learned a lot of great lessons from early relationships that help me navigate my marriage now.
CO
I agree. You don’t have to sacrifice a personal life/dating life just because you are serious about your career. Having a sense of a healthy social life will help everything work out for you better in the long run. You are SO young. There’s no sense in being all doom and gloom.
Batgirl
I agree. You don’t have to sacrifice a personal life/dating life just because you are serious about your career. Having a sense of a healthy social life will help everything work out for you better in the long run. You are SO young. There’s no sense in being all doom and gloom.
Anon for this
That’s what’s tough…most of the guys that I’ve gone out with I’ve had a good connection with over email and the phone, then in person they’re apparently struck dumb.
Does anyone meet anyone offline anymore? I’m active in politics and various professional organizations, but I feel like I only meet men who are already married.
I do appreciate everyone’s advice and support.
Jen
I tend to be quiet at first until I get to know someone. Understandably, that makes me seem stand-offish on dates, even if I’m having a good time. I found dinner on the first or second date to be hard (so much talking). When I was dating, I’d plan walks to botanical gardens, nights out to sporting events (but I like sports), nights at putt-putt places and go-carts, grab coffee and window shop, etc. For me, things that had an activity were better because we could talk (unlike a movie or a play) but if we didn’t, that was also okay.
Batgirl
I’ve been doing online dating on and off for a few years now. I think that most guys that email aren’t right for me. Of the ones that seem promising, sometimes the emailing turns into a date, sometimes not. Of the dates I’ve gone on, I think every third or fourth guy is someone I’d actually want to date. I’ve had a few relationships come out of online dating, but it takes some effort.
Think about it, you go to a party and you could eliminate half the pool just from the vibe you get or don’t get–it takes longer to tell online sometimes.
I would go on tons of dates, keep it to a happy hour drink or coffee the first time and keep your expectations light and low.
Also, try to expand your network otherwise–easier said than done, I know, but I’m trying myself!
Hang in there!
anon
I applaud you for getting out there and “doing everything you’re supposed to be doing.” It’s tough.
My advice is to stop thinking of it as a chore or a task with a specific goal. Of course, you do have a specific goal, but in my experience, this is one of those things best approached indirectly. Instead of mentally screening each guy against your real or virtual list, tabulating his positives and negatives throughout the evening (I used to do this, so I assume you may be as well) just focus instead on having fun. On having an entertaining conversation, on finding some common ground to laugh about, or even just on discovering a new restaurant or bar and enjoying a nice meal. The benefit of this approach is:
– you can have fun even on dates that go nowhere. and given the % of them that will go nowhere, learning to enjoy them anyway is critical IMO.
– you’ll relax. the value of being relaxed and in-the-moment cannot be underestimated, especially on nervy first dates.
– you’ll unwittingly find your standards for guys shifting – NOT lowering, but shifting. you might give someone a second chance even if he lives in a crappy apartment b/c, hey, you had a great time and maybe he’ll move out of the apartment. or, you might realize that what seems like “uninteresting and unable to engage” really means that he’s just nervous and shy, and that + your intimidating qualities made him clam up and seem boring.
In short – ease up, and sincerely try and enjoy the process of meeting and socializing with new people. If you’re having fun, he’ll have fun, and even if you never see each other again, it wasn’t a wasted evening; and all these dates won’t seem like such a chore.
Good luck to you.
BB
You might try tweaking your profile. Maybe you just happen to be attracting those types of men because of the way you’re presenting yourself>
I met my husband on Match. It was 9 years ago, so things may have changed, but I really noticed a difference in the types of responses I got based on tweaking my profile and pictures. I also had a policy of letting them come to me. And I realized that for them, it’s physical attraction first (generally with a basic checklist), and then it’s a numbers game on their side. Finally, I kept it really brief between an email or two, a call and then coffee. I didn’t waste time getting to know people too much until we were face to face. People get really caught up in spending weeks on the phone or via email – and then find out that the chemistry isn’t there when they finally meet. For me, I preferred to meet and go from there. (Which is all the more reason to have 1st dates at Starbucks vs. dinner.)
Oh, and I didn’t bother with people that clearly didn’t meet certain requirements, such as a college education, a job, and no roommates.
mamabear
hey – i met my husband on Match, too! 11 1/2 years ago.
I agree with a lot of the comments so far. Check out Crazy Aunt Purl’s blog for some of her advice, which made tons of sense. Her big take-away was not to treat every date as a potential meeting with your new husband but rather as a single stand-alone event, and have fun. You never know.
This approach worked for me as well, because as a recent divorcee I was DEFINITELY not looking to get married (famous last words) so I would go out with anyone at least once. And my husband is someone I would not have met if I’d had a laudry list of ideals he had to meet.
Specifically, I’d say be more flexible about dating someone who might be divorced, might have a job that doesn’t pay as well as yours, might be between jobs. Might not look like you expected your future husband to look. Treat each date as just a fun night out and take the pressure off!
BB
I agree 100%. I looked at dates as an opportunity to meet someone interesting, and that was it. I would have to say that most of the dates I had were pretty nice guys, and most led to at least one more date.
I only had one really terrible date. And if I’d listened to my gut, I wouldn’t have gone out with him at all. But OMG his picture was so gorgeous, and with a puppy too! Don’t be fooled by a pretty face, that’s all I can say. My husband’s picture was from his work badge, and it wasn’t that great of a picture. But he was funny in his two very brief emails and a 10-minute chat. That led to coffee (and he was sooo cute when he walked in), which immediately followed with lunch, then I had a commitment in the afternoon, then dinner, then a comedy club, followed by coffee again after midnight. But really, all I was thinking when it started was that he seemed pretty nice and normal, so why not?
(And I think he said something like “You seem pretty normal and cool, so why don’t we get coffee?” He had been on many more bad dates than I had been, and he was really suspicious of women that wanted to spend ridiculous amounts of time “getting to know each other” before meeting. Most of them were not as advertised when they finally met.)
Anon for this
So my profile is kind of snarky. Well maybe snarky isn’t the right word, but the overall tone is more light-hearted because I’m trying to stick out from the herd. Do you think that that’s something I should change?
Nevadan
You are living in a city which is famous for an aging population. I have a hunch you need to go where the younger guys are. If you need to stay in Pgh., how bout laying off of the dating sites and find an activity that men like and learn to do it – golf – charities – church – college courses – hiking club – you will meet men.
PittsburghAnon
I live in Pittsburgh and have been single for 3 years. Most of my co-workers are about my age, but married with kids. I used match.com for about 1 1/2 years, then gave up.
So, no advice, but I’ll be reading to see what advice you get!
I think this is the first time I’ve seen someone else mention being from Pittsburgh here?
PittsburghAnon
I should have added that I’m 28 and have been working (in the software industry) for 4 1/2 years.
Accountress
I’m so jealous of you ‘Burghers- I love the city, and if it weren’t for how cold it gets, I would be living there. Historic, eclectic, and home of the best NFL team ever? Sign me up!
PittsburghAnon
I love it too! Which is why I stay here despite having no friends and no SO here, and spending half my weekdays elsewhere on business travel.
Anonymous
Have you thought about joining a PSL (Pittsburgh Sports League) team? It’s sponsored by PUMP — the organization for young professionals. There’s all sorts of leagues — bowling, darts, dodgeball, etc. — so there’s something for almost everyone. Good luck!
MissJackson
I was going to suggest PSL, too. For some leagues (maybe all?) you can even join as a single and they will add you to a team (so you don’t need to find a ton of other people to do it with you). I’ve done both darts and bowling, and I’ve also gone to their (free) running club.
Pittsburgh is really, really great in a million ways – I love this city. But I think that the biggest downside is the lack of datable young professionals. I’ve had several friends who got close to giving up.
Also, do you have an alumni group in the area? Either undergrad or graduate? If it’s active, that could also be a useful way to connect with people of similar ambition.
PittsburghAnon
Not the OP , but in a similar situation –
I investigated the PSL forums last year, but couldn’t find anything that looked like it would be appropriate for someone who has no idea what they are doing and doesn’t know anyone. (For instance, I like to run, but the posts about their running club were all discussing running at a pace 2m/mi or more faster than I can go (which is about 10m/mi).) I’ll look into it again and try to be less of a scaredy cat about it.
I went to college here (CMU) – that’s how I ended up here – so there are probably a lot of alums around but it’s not really something you can ‘connect’ over. I used to have friends from college in the area but they’ve all moved away over the last few years.
Anon for this
I just started getting more involved with PUMP, I’ve heard some people have met that way.
I didn’t go to high school or college or law school around here, so when I moved back at 26, I was starting all over with friends. I don’t have a big circle either (so hard to meet people when you’re not in a school setting or big firm).
Hey, Pittsburgh Anon, how do we get in touch with each other ? ;-)
MissJackson
Just FYI, there are definitely slower people than you at the PUMP running group, and even more people at your pace. And this group in particular seems to be full of young, single people. (When I go, I tend to be one of the only married folks there). Also, they make an effort to pair you up with people your pace on your first week. There is dinner and/or drinks afterward, too, so there is some built-in socializing even with people not at your pace.
Also, bowling is super beginner friendly because you get a handicap. I believe I was the worst bowler in my league, but my team made the playoffs (and even advanced one round) in part because of my killer handicap. It was like having an extra bowler on our team!
Does CMU not have an active alumni chapter in Pittsburgh?? My non-Pittsburgh undergrad has somewhat frequent events (usually happy hour) and it’s a great way to meet people (and “connect”).
PittsburghAnon
Hey Anon for this, I have a throwaway email address that I am OK with putting here, if I did this right it should be linked in the heading of this post. Feel free to get in touch :)
Anony
Hello corporettes. I work for a small international company. We are all meeting for a seminar in Lisbon soon. We will be having several days of meetings and one half of sightseeing. Dress is casual and company laid back, but I want to make a nice impression on those I haven’t met. Anyone have thoughts on a) mid October weather in Portugal or b) suggestions on attire (jeans ok, I prefer pants).
SoHo
I was in Lisbon last October (though a bit later in the month)… it was a lovely place. Definitely a more casual vibe fashion-wise than other major European cities (e.g., Paris or London), in my opinion. We had really unusual weather there, pretty cold and super rainy, but I think it’s typically in the low-70s at the highs and the high-50s at the lows for this time of year, and sunny (check out weatherunderground(dot)com for historical weather). You may just want a heavier blazer and wrap at night, and I got a lot of use out of my trench. During the day, it helped me to layer since it can get warm in the sun while you’re walking around. Also, when I’m traveling in Europe, I hate to give off the tourist vibe (though I’m sure I do anyway), so I’ve gotten a pair or two of nice loafers (like Cole Haan with the Nike Air inserts) that I can walk around in for a whole day of sightseeing, which make me feel like I blend in a little more while still being comfortable (also work appropriate).
Hope you enjoy your trip!
EFL anon
Mediterranean Europe is experiencing a unusual warm and sunny weather right now, but I don’t know whether it will be long before colder days. Bring weatherproof shoes, just in case (I remember getting drenched a lot … ).
You’re lucky, Lisbon – and Portugal – is a lovely place and people are really nice, open and friendly.
anon
I hope people still look here! I have an event for school where everyone is generally in business formal. However, it is over halloween weekend this year and we are supposed to get dressed up. People get really into this but I would really rather a costume that didn’t make me look like a tr*mp and I have no desire to be a witch…. Any suggestions for classy costumes?
It’s so pretty out!!!!!!!!
roses
Some sort of classy 50s-60s female figure? Marilyn, Jackie O, any character from Mad Men? One year I also bought a cheap white dress and sewed (though markers would work too) different color fabric circles on it, and went as a Twister board.
M in CA
What kind of school?
When I was in law school, my Crim Pro prof made us come in legal-themed costumes when class fell on Halloween (yes, there was a costume contest and everything). My study partner and I made protest-style signs and bought lots of pins that said stuff like “Peace” and “Save the Whales” etc., pinned them on black robes, and went as “activist judges.”
For a “Judgment Day” party earlier this year (remember that?) I went as the “Devil’s Advocate” – basically a really stressed out lawyer, with mismatched shoes, mismatched suit, wrinkled shirt, really messed up hair/makeup.
Not sure if these are “classy” per se, but I had fun with them.
KM
You could do a Blues Brother’s type costume – think black pants suit white button up hat and sunglasses. It’s easy, witty, fun and classy. You could also go as Liz Lemon – button up shirt, converse, glasses and some sort of sandwich. Also easy. Depending on how elaborate you are willing to go – there are some really pretty and classy Cleopatra (sp?) costumes. A Grecian goddess is another good option.
Always a NYer
My Halloween go-to is Lara Croft, from Tomb Raider. This is my first year with my company and while I heard that people do dress up in costume, I’m rather hesitant to do so without confirmation, ie. actually seeing others in costume that day. So, what I plan on doing is wearing black trousers, a black short-sleeve knit shirt, and black combat boots. In my purse I’ll have black fingerless gloves, a black belt, and a hair tie so I can quickly put my hair in a braid if I do indeed want a costume. Not as classy as Marilyn or Jackie but I’ve always been a bit edgy in my style and showing up in a flowy dress would make me feel ridiculous. Go with whatever makes you comfortable and have fun!
Hmmm...
My favorite classy costume is to wear a suit, crown, pearls, and sash, and you can be the recently crowned Miss America. Since I am a tax attorney, I say that my platform is saving the world through tax reform.
anon
yay! these are all awesome suggestions and food for thought… I like the 60’s idea since it’s very me… I’m in undergrad but I will be at a Model UN conference so I suppose I could get some mileage from that….
Thank you!!
Always a NYer
What committee are you on? If it’s historical or fictional, why not dress up in character? I remember going to a MUN conference, in April, and saw delegates dressed up in anything from togas (ancient Rome) to capes and wands (Harry Potter).
anon
Indria Ghandi’s cabinet…. which conference were you at? Because my school’s conference in April had both Harry Potter and something involving Ancient Rome one year.. people came in costume for both
Always a NYer
What about wearing a sari? They’re gorgeous and come in every imaginable color.
I forget the name of the college but it was in MA, April of 2009. I think it was one of the five sisters but I’m not sure.
anon
sari is good idea I’ll have to try it
was it FCMUN at Mount Holyoke? I worked that conference for the first time that year :)
such fun!
Always a NYer
It totally was FCMUN at Mt. Holyoke! I remember the campus being beautiful and the conference was a lot of fun. I was on the ancient Rome committee, my guy was kind of blood-thirsty so I had fun with that ;)
If you end up going with a sari, post about how you like it. Have a great time at the conference!
p
Tank top. You are now the second amendment (the right to “bare” arms).
Susan
Even though this post started out about this dress, the discussion about Pittsburgh is way more interesting and it’s become the heart of the thread. So…this is kind of a threadjack back to the dress:
It’s nice enough, but $695 of nice? This is the price range where I gag, choke, barf. It’s still mass-produced and off the rack, but it’s way more than something I could get at Ann Taylor even before the 40% discounts.
This is something that’s kinda interesting (to me, at least.) I group clothing into 5 general categories: handmade by me (just learning to sew, so you can imagine how things look….), cheap stuff from Wal*Mart ($10-$40 pieces), mid-price ($100-$300 pieces), aspirational ($400-$1000 pieces), and couture (handmade by genius little old ladies in France and Spain and Italy.)
The aspirational pricing seems like a ripoff to me. It’s just as mass-produced as Wal*Mart and “mid-price.” The key difference is Quality Assurance, and yet, when I go to department stores and try these aspirational pieces on, I see loose threads, I see poorly attached buttons, difficult zippers and they’re all made in the similar developing countries as the Ann Taylor/JCrew stuff. Sure, the QA is way better than the Wal*Mart/Target stuff, but generally not noticeably better than the mid-price stuff. So, it just seems like a total sham, so I have to say, the Emperor looks BUCK NAKED here.