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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Universal Standard has earned so many of my dollars with a truly radical business model: making high quality clothes and showing how those clothes look on a wide variety of bodies. Shocking!
I love this wrap crepe top and, personally, I can visualize it on my own body a bit better when it’s modeled on a larger size. I would wear it to the office with straight-leg pants and a camel sweater blazer.
The top is $128 and comes in sizes 4XS (00–0) through 4XL (38–40). It also comes in berry and black.
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Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – 11/5 only – 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – 11/5 only – 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Irene
I’m dealing with a weird issue and wonder how others would deal with it. My extended family immigrated from a country with very traditional gender roles. They expect women to do well in school so I have aunts and cousins who are doctors, engineers, pharmacists, etc. However, as a woman your entire focus should be on your husband and children. Most stop working after marriage, or at the latest at the start of their first pregnancy. Their husbands work and that’s it, there’s no helping around the house or with the kids. They all honestly seem content with this setup.
I was born and raised in the US and this is not my life. My husband and I both work and make similar salaries. We don’t have kids and both tackle chores. We are happy with our arrangement. I’ve been married 7 years and my family continues to be baffled by our lifestyle. Most of the time I don’t let their judgement get to me, but lately it’s been hard. They make me feel like I oppress my husband because he does his own laundry or cooks dinner for us. They assume my husband makes a lot more money than me and believe I’m depriving him of a comfortable home life because I insist on working for a negligible income. They pity him. Lately this has been getting to me. Why can’t I have family that is just a little supportive of me and my life? It’s exhausting to be the person that’s always different and looked down on. Does anyone else have lifestyle clashes with family?
Notinstafamous
I moved to the other side of the country and don’t talk to them about it! You’re not going to change their beliefs, you just need to live your best life. My parents assume the opposite – that DH makes no money and can’t support us and that’s why I still *have* to work and haven’t had kids and become a SAHM. In my family at least it’s just so incorrect that there’s nothing you can do about it except not engage.
I was a lot happier when I realized they just weren’t going to be supportive of my life choices and they still love me but I was only ever going to be disappointed wanting more.
Anon
This is my neighborhood — while I far outearn my husband (who is not unsuccessful, just hasn’t been on the path I’ve taken), he must just be a loser for me to work. Especially after having had kids. It is true that I don’t send my kids to private school b/c we couldn’t sustain that if I transitioned to another field or went part-time (which is likely at some point), it’s not b/c we are massive losers. But we must be losers b/c a successful husband could have his wife stay home.
Anokha
This is my family. Pointed comments about how it’s such a shame that I “have” to work (when, in fact, I choose to do so).
AZCPA
Honestly same, and without any sort of non-US culture excuse. My family is just very “stereotypical 50s gender roles” and think it’s a failing that my husband works in the nonprofit sector and therefore can’t support us while I stay home and make/raise babies. Never mind that I love my career and have never wanted children.
The day someone referred to me “carrying” him was the last day I was willing to have ANY conversations around our family life. So, unfortunately no good advice beyond cutting off the conversations by leaving the room, hanging up the phone, etc. The first few times I did that it was awkward, but less so as time goes on.
Anon
This sounds demoralizing for you. I think that your husband can help you here, true partner style, by commenting to your family how lucky he is to have you, how you are the perfect match for him and how he loves the life you have built together, and showing his appreciation for you. Over time, some of it will sink in and your family may learn to look at you and your husband, as a couple, with bewilderment but acceptance, rather then blaming you for operating outside their framework.
No Face
I’m sorry to hear that. The most important thing to understand is that you do not have the power to change your family’s minds about your lifestyle. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. The only person you can control is you. If you enjoy your time with them otherwise, just know that this is a part of the deal. If you realize that your family judges you and spending time with them is not enjoyable, spend less time with them.
Anon
It’s none of their business, stop caring what hey think. You’re happy. What are you going to do? Start living to please your family at reunions? Just don’t talk about it or enlighten them. You need your husband to be supportive, not your extended family anyway.
Woof
At some point when it can be casual, drop into a family conversation that you and your husband make similar amounts of money. And, have him be supportive of your work in front of your family. Other than that, you cannot change anyone else. You can express your feeling unsupported to your parents if you wish, stick with your hurt feelings and not your lifestyle choices as they will probably argue with you about that. Anyway, good luck, and sorry you feel so unsupported. xoxo
Anon
I just gray rock. My aunts are J3sus freaks who think women are made to crank out kids (I have over a dozen cousins) and they spend most of the time I see them wailing about my unused womb.
Anonymous
Well what are they doing with their appendixes?
Anonymous
This sounds very hurtful, I’m sorry you’re going through this. What you do depends on what type of relationship you think is reasonably possible to have with these family members. Could your parents help to support you, or are they part of the problem too? Even if you’ll never change your aunts’ minds, it might make you feel better to know that your mom is in your corner.
Anonymous
No one on either side of our family at either our parents or sibling level gets our egalitarian DINKS lifestyle. We have other DINKS friends to vent to. I have literally never had any member of either family ask me about my job, until my husband shared a local news article with them about an award I won, whereupon they appeared baffled and made nervous jokes about it, and then went back to silence. In comparison, every one asks my husband about his work and plans, and seeks his advice on business matters. I do think things may be changing though, as the next generation is social media savvy, knows what I do and have asked for advice.
Anon
This response takes the cake. Congratulations on the award – and the awkward discomfort of family!
Anonnymouse
I know this doesn’t fix the hurt you feel over their lack of support, but may help your mental state somewhat. I have a family member that I struggle with, and on my good days I’m able to see it through the lens of, “Wow, what an unfortunate way for them to live, with judgement that pushes loved ones away (and not see it), and with such a limited worldview. They’re missing out!”
So, not as a way to feel self-righteous, but as a way to feel compassionate for the situation they are in and have put themselves in, and how it limits them. Best of luck!
MechanicalKeyboard
Yeah, the only thing you can do is accept that you can’t control or change their feelings. This is their worldview and nothing you do will be able to adjust it. If their feelings about it matter to you think about why. Is their acceptance important? Why? You knew you were going against the grain for years. What made you make different choices? Think about the WHY when you’re feeling down. Also, do you actually wish you lived up to that standard? Do YOU feel fulfilled? Would you actually like to change your arrangement? One of those things may be true be very honest with yourself. Otherwise, you just have 3 options: accept black sheep status, lie about your arrangement, stop talking to them altogether.
Good luck!
Anonymous
I’ll add a fourth option – grieve that you don’t have the family that you would like to have. That’s something that seems to be missing most in all of the advice.
black sheep
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. My lifestyle also clashes with my family’s lifestyle, and you’re absolutely right that it’s exhausting. Most interactions with them leave me feeling like I was in a debate overseen by a biased moderator and had to carefully select my words to strike a balance of staying true to myself, shutting down rude behavior, and not alienating anyone who is moderate enough that they could be a potential ally. In my experience, the keys are to: 1) separate your opinion of yourself from their opinion of you; and 2) understand that you won’t get everything from them that you want (enthusiasm, support, etc.), mourn that loss, accept what you are able to get from them (a narrow relationship focused solely on a shared interest, warm but distant interactions, etc.), and know that terminating or stepping back from the relationship is always an option if what they can give you doesn’t justify the demands of your mental health and time.
These are some other steps that worked for me. I moved to the other side of the country and limit my visits to only three days at a time. I hate how much I waste on airfare and time spent traveling, but three days seems to be how long they are able to (mostly) hold their tongues and I have the patience to goal keep. Staying in separate accommodations can help too, but they didn’t work out in my circumstances. I also avoid large group discussions and try to create smaller groups at large gatherings by inviting a few people to play cards, go on a walk, etc. My family members are bolder when they can lean on each other and tag team me with their criticisms. They also make veiled criticisms that are reasonable enough that I would seem antagonistic if I called them out on it but are intended to hurt. They are deeply religious and consider themselves wonderful people, even though what they actually are is judgmental. I play on that dynamic with responses like, “Grandma, I know you don’t mean to hurt my feelings, but it makes me sad when you say … because ….”
Also, I’m not sure if this applies in your situation, but I’ve realized over time that part of the conflict with my parents arises from the fact that they raised me what they consider the “right way,” I rejected their advice, and every success that has flowed from my decision is evidence that, just maybe, they aren’t as perfect as they believe. (My family of origin is proudly lower middle class, doesn’t believe in college, and practices traditional gender roles—I’m the only woman to ever have a career. I’m a BigLaw attorney married to an executive, and we lead a comfortable, egalitarian lifestyle.) Recasting their criticisms of me as their attempts to make themselves feel better about their choices has enabled me let their words roll off my back instead of viewing them as being said “at” me.
Finally, I suggest reminding yourself that this is your current situation but that doesn’t necessarily mean it will be the situation for the rest of your life. Events occur that shift perspectives and attitudes do tend to evolve over time. Understanding that it’s possible I won’t have to fight this battle until the day I die made it easier for me to grieve the loss and move forward.
Anonymous
Outfit of the day thread? I could use some inspiration. I’m back to the office January 1.
Anon
Joggers, a sweatshirt, and slippers. I’m very fancy.
Anon.
Same here!But fabulous ear rings and lipstick, because … Zoom.
Cora
Dark red high waisted flared trousers and a pink cropped-ish sweater
anon
Are these pants still for sale and if yes where????
Cora
I got them from Stitch Fix so I’m not really sure, but its the Dictionary Ensley Ponte Bootcut Trouser
I remember figuring out that ponte pants were the way to go for my body type in the Before TImes, and now I’m remembering that again.
anon
Thank you!
Anon
This sounds really cute
Anonymous
Slightly festive: orangey-red J Crew cashmere-blend turtleneck sweater and dark wash jeans. (And fuzzy socks, because WFH.)
Anon
My whole outfit today is picked to not look ridiculous with socks. Not gonna lie.
MagicUnicorn
My outfit was picked to be acceptable on Zoom today and my socks chose not to play along.
Zoom sees my Going Out blazer, muted floral print blouse, pearl necklace. It does not see my BR Devon leggings with very fuzzy contrasting color wool socks that fill the gap between those and my chelsea boots. 100% in the office.
Cb
I’m wfh until term starts in late January but one of my business casual outfits I loved this autumn was heavy linen trousers in a dark dark orange, a grey striped long sleeved, and a grey linen open front jacket.
Anonymous
This sounds great!
Anon
Dusty, medium blue cashmere, faux-wrap sweater, straight black wool pants, chunky black loafers.
Nina
Ooh this sounds awesome. This thread is great, getting some outfit ideas for sure.
Anon
My husband’s sweatpants that I also wore yesterday, a t-shirt I slept in, and a ratty college sweatshirt.
anon
I have a mullet of sorts on. Black Free People Ottoman sweater, black joggers, and Toms pink fuzzy inside slipper type shoes.
nuqotw
I am giving two exams today, so black pinstriped pants ( J. Crew), creamy merino ribbed turtleneck (Uniqlo), olive green blazer (Escada – a Poshmark success!), leopard print sneakers (Spring Step). (Tomorrow: as casual as is appropriate for my office.)
KS IT Chick
Jeans, navy t-shirt, purple cardigan, black flats, gold dragon pendant necklace. I won the necklace in a contest sponsored by one of my favorite authors, and I add it when I need confidence for presenting at online meetings.
Ribena
I’m wearing a pair of Boden activewear leggings (they’re too thick to work out in for me but I love them for comfy wear), a short sleeved tee and a cosy fleece. I was wearing a long sleeved tee but I changed at lunchtime because I’m now on my way to get a booster jab!
Anonymous
I am in the office today, which happens about once a quarter. I’m wearing a black Free People ottoman tunic, white straight-leg jeans from Mother, and black chelsea combat boots.
anon
Black silk shirt with rolled sleeves, tan/beige pants, loud jewelry
Anonymous
Back in the office. Wide-leg black pants, black turtleneck, big statement necklace, pointy toe flats.
Pompom
highwaisted dark denim jeans with a raw hem at the ankle, a white lands end v-neck pima t, pink fluffy ugg slipper knockoffs, and a scrunchie.
I was going to go into the office briefly at lunchtime (and would have added a sweater and booties), where I would have still been underdressed, but idgaf anymore. Not going in because need to isolate as I wait for come covid results. Ugh.
Curious
I suppose my gray sweatpants, dull heather green top, red plaid scarf, and off white hat are probably not right for your office (plus fair isle socks!), But everyone seems to love the scarf. So I’ve got that going for me :)
ALT
Black joggers (Costco), white long sleeve shirt (Target), green fleece (Costco). Got my booster the other day and am on day 4 of feeling like literal death.
Anonymous
Black trousers, black sneakers, white t shirt and a blue moto jacket. I stole this look from a theory ad shilling for a much more expensive green moto jacket.
Senior Attorney
I am actually super happy with my outfit today: It’s the Rotary Christmas luncheon and I’m all dressed up in new winter white flannel wide-leg trousers from BR, deep green merino wool crew neck sweater, and cropped Christmas red jacket with gold buttons. And high-block-heeled gold tassel loafers
Anon
Navy blue knit pants, periwinkle long sleeved tee, periwinkle handknit cardigan, Birkenstock clogs (sorry), Kojima Pearl south sea Pearl earrings.
The Frenchie Is My Favorite Kid
Um, my boyfriend’s boxers with hearts all over them that he forgot he owned because I couldn’t find any sweatpants and a graphic sweatshirt? I angle my camera up for meetings so just my neckline shows. Oh, and fluffy socks PLUS fluffy slippers. I am totally unsuited for office life now :)
Sloan Sabbith
WFH. Black Betabrand skinny pants (with a great pocket situation) and an Eddie Bauer black and white flannel popover with thin wool socks and slippers. When I go out to get coffee I may put on ankle boots. I work in a casual enough office that I’d wear this to work wit a necklace and earrings.
Anonymous
SOS! My cleaning ladies are here (for the next two hours), and I just realized I should give them holiday tip today and not next Wednesday (which is probably too close to Christmas, right?). How much should I tip, and how do I give it to them? For background, I hire a service, and two ladies come each week. I would say there’s a rotating crew of maybe 6 to 8 ladies, but I don’t know all of their names, or which of the ladies are here (I know that’s terrible, but that’s a convo for another time). I usually add a $20 tip per person when I Venmo the service each week’s payment (I have asked if they would prefer I Venmo them their tips personally, but they insist they do get the tips from the company.. hopefully that’s true!). So they do get a weekly tip.
Okay, so.. how much do I tip the ladies who are right now, and how? I would ideally like to tip *all* of the ladies in rotation, but I don’t know how to go about that, so for now I’m just focused on the immediate problem of tipping the women who are here, in my place, right now. There’s three today, one of whom is a trainee (who was also here last week). Do I tip the trainee less? I’m going to slip out at some point and run to the drugstore or ATM… should I just get cash or those Visa prepaid cards? Do I need envelopes or can I just hand it to them at the end? If I need envelopes, do I need cards? If I need cards, do they need handwritten notes? Aaaaah, full anxiety spiral happening right now.
test run
I mean this as nicely as possible, but you’re overthinking this. I think tipping next week is fine (and not too close to the holiday? I usually frame my tip as “end of year” tips anyway) and I would just tip the full cost of a service and in your venmo note say “service + end of year tip.” They can divvy it up amongst themselves. I don’t think people generally tip weekly for the cleaning service and just do one around the holidays so if you’re tipping every week then you’re already going above and beyond.
Anonymous
Oo, thank you. That’s a relief.
Anon
+1, I tip the cost of one service at the end of the year, I do not do weekly tips, nor do most people I know.
Anon
This is what I do as well–one extra payment is my standard. I do try to deliver it in advance of Christmas so they can use it for their shopping or whatever. When I had nannies, they also got at least Christmas week off with pay. When it is a rotation, I rely on the service providers to divvy it up or assume that other clients are tipping the same and it goes to whomever is on their rotation and that it will all even out. Imperfect generosity is better than no generosity.
Unpopular POV: I enjoy holiday tipping. Handing people money no longer freaks me out.
anon
+1 same and I add it to my payment in Venmo
anonymous
+ a million to this. It’s frankly racist to give a holiday bonus since so many people (particularly) BIPOC and LGBTQIAA+ do not necessarily celebrate end-of-December holidays.
Nope
Oh, nonsense. Holiday bonuses are not “racist.”
Anonymous
OP here.. *I* don’t celebrate end-of-December holidays. But annual tipping at the end of the year is a thing. And I think it’s safe to say literally no one is offended by extra money which is intended to relay the message “Thanks for all you did this year.” I know when I was working as a secretary and making much less than I am now, I didn’t know that attorneys gave their secretaries gifts at the end of the year, and just the couple extra hundred I got was a delightful surprise and made a HUGE difference for me that month. Especially if your concern is about being respectful of marginalized groups.. why would I deprive WOC, who are doing menial work, far away from home, for probably too little pay (that’s why I tip every week), of some extra cash … because I’m afraid they don’t acknowledge any holidays at this time of year..? Huh? Honestly, your comment reads like the kind of trolling post intended to skewer leftist thinking.
TLDR; everybody please tip the people you appreciate this time of year.
Ellen
But if you don’t tip them now, they may help themselves to a Christmas gift from your apartment that you did not want them to take! I would tell them now you have a gift for them to make sure they do not lift something valuable. Because of the Pandemic, my cleaning lady quit and I have made doo without her. She was not that great anyway, but I liked her daughter, Luz.
Anonymous
This is easy. You hand them a tip. Same amount as the entire cost of one cleaning. It’s up to them to distribute.
Anon
This is not something to stress over.
anon
Why is next week not appropriate for holiday gifts? Also, cash. Cold, hard cash.
Anonymous
People who don’t make a lot of money may not be spending on their families as much as they would want because it’s hard to make ends stretch. Knowing you received a little extra money may be the difference between whether they can afford that gift or two. Too close to Christmas and it becomes sort of moot because they won’t have time to use it that way. I grew up not having to think of such things. Even credit cards (and sometimes checking accounts) aren’t enjoyed by everyone.
Anonymous
Tipping next week is fine. Tip the cost of one service, preferably in denominations no larger than 20s. Put it in an envelope with a nice note. They will divide it up according to whatever plan they have.
Senior Attorney
+1 to all this
Anokha
Our cleaners just started working for us last month. Do we still tip a full cleaning service?
Senior Attorney
My theory on this is “yes, because the money means a lot more to them than it does to you, plus you are building up good will for the future.”
Neck Pain
I got some great recommendations from this group on desk chairs and ended up with one that is a game changer (Steelcase Gesture for anyone wondering, the Leap was also recommended). I am hoping to get a similar recommendation for a pillow since I’ve been waking up with neck pain recently. I am willing to spend a lot on this, and the only restrictions are that it can’t be down (allergic) and it needs to come in king sized. I am a side sleeper for the most part.
Anon
I got the Casper one about 6 months ago and I love it. I move around a lot but it’s very comfortable when Im on my side. I also have had and love their mattress for over 6 years now, in case that’s a relevant data point.
+1
Yes!! I highly recommend the Casper pillows. Have converted all of my family members as well. Also a side sleeper.
Mrs. Jones
Me too!
Anon
Do you always sleep on your side or mostly sleep on your side? For me, this was a big part of my neck pain. I’d fall asleep on my side and then roll over onto my back early in the morning, and my head position on my back would result in neck pain, since a pillow shaped for side sleepers will be too high when you’re on your back. It’s so much better since I got a foam pillow specifically designed for side and back sleepers. It’s weirdly shaped and smaller than a normal pillow, though, so it doesn’t sound like what you want.
OP
I almost never sleep on my back, I am not able to for some reason. It’s 75% on my side and 25% in some weird hybrid of half on my stomach half propped up on a pillow.
anon
You’re not alone. This is me too!
Anon
In that case I’d try to find a pillow recommended for side and stomach sleepers. You want something that keeps your neck in a neutral position in both postures, though it’s also possible that stomach sleeping is part of your issue, since it usually requires you to sleep with your head at least partially turned. I know that’s not easy to change, though.
Pompom
I got a custom pillow from Pluto and it’s changed my sleep, truly. Not an ad, I swear. They do come in King sizes.
Anon
Coop Home Goods Pillow! It was recommended to me by several people and I am really happy with it.
Anon
I plan on buying the Sleep Number pillow with removable inserts. Reviews look promising.
Anon
I love my oxygen pillow. Pricey but so much better for my neck. I’m on my second one.
https://o2pillow.com/
Anon
Random house question — has anyone replaced vinyl siding with Hardiplank? Our vinyl (30ish years old) is looking rough and due to COVID supply issues, we can’t get more for the ultra-rough looking parts, so replacing 1.5 sides of a house with Hardiplank seems to be the only other option (1.5 sides are Hardiplank already b/c it is an addition already). I understand that this will be really expensive, so there is also “doing nothing.” But if funds permit, is there a reason not to do it (like bad vinyl is forever, but Hardiplank actually needs replacing or faces in bright sun or has other issues that you’ve encountered but a sales person might not mention)? In the mean time, I’ve put some bushes in that may grow to cover the worst areas or at least disguise them.
Cat
I would see no reason not to match what you have on the addition. If you get a sample of the same color, you’ll be able to see exactly how the existing Hardi has aged.
Anon
In my neighborhood, almost all of the houses are painted hardie plank as it is one of the few permitted materials. We will need to repaint next year, which will be 6 years from construction, because it has faded so much. I asked around and my neighbors were all in agreement that it’s normally 5-10 years. We went with a dark paint color and the neighborhood fronts a large body of salt water so that may be exacerbating the issue. I have been told the pre-colored hardie doesn’t have the same fading issue but cannot confirm that is true. Otherwise no problems with it personally and have not seen any neighbors having to replace it (homes in here range from 1-20 years old).
Anonymous
I posted below but mine has a guarantee of 10 years no fading on it. It came pre primed, so maybe that’s a difference?
Anonymous
We have replaced cedar with Hardi. We put in an addition and the entire thing was done in Hardi. We also re-did the back of the house as the siding needed replacing anyway. We kept cedar on the front since it’s $$$ to replace.
We painted everything the same color. 4 years out you still can’t tell what’s what.
FWIW make sure you get a good installer. The cement board buckles in the summer and gaps in the winter so you have to get the spacing right.
BeenThatGuy
I just replaced old aluminum siding with insulated composite cladding (the Hardiplank you refer to but that not the James Hardie brand per se). I didn’t think it was “really expensive” but I guess that’s relative. I did order the siding in April and it only came in stock 3 weeks ago. There are plenty of other brands to look at that are James Hardie. I’d suggest calling a few siding specialists and get some quotes on other line. The manufacturer I used was Ascend.
https://ascendcompositecladding.com/
BeenThatGuy
*There are plenty of other brands to look at that aren’t James Hardie*
Saguaro
I have had Hardiboard on my house for 12 years now and there have been no issues. We are in a high sun area so after about 10 years the areas that are in the sun 100% of the day are just a little faded, but not as much as the areas that are wood. The other unexpected advantage is that our house was hit by lightning and honestly I think the Hardiboard saved it from catching fire, because of the Hardiboard material. I would 100% recommend it.
Anon
I looked into it but ended up replacing it with vinyl. Hardie plank was much more expensive and requires maintenance on top of that. Vinyl is cheaper and easier to maintain, and if you want the same look of flat boards you can still get that with insulted vinyl. If you live in an area where you may get mildew, you can’t power wash hardie plank but you can power wash vinyl. Hardie is definitely higher end but ultimately vinyl won and I’m still happy with it.
Anonymous
Our neighbors got quotes for Hardiplank and vinyl. Hardiplank was 3x the cost of vinyl.
I am skeptical about the powerwashing claim. I live in the SEUS where houses must be pressure-washed at least once a year, and everyone washes their Hardiplank. You just use a lower pressure, as you would for any painted siding.
anon
Vinyl here……replaced aluminum with vinyl siding. The difference is that you won’t have to paint vinyl. So if you want a special color, except to paint Hardiplank to keep that color strong. Not the case with vinyl and it is very easily powerwashed….and agree you can likely powerwash Hardi at lower pressure but the cost overall is 3x higher.
Anon
Suggestions of how to celebrate my birthday after work with my husband? Birthday is next week, we live in a cold city, and are fairly COVID cautious (i.e., not doing indoor dining, shows, etc). I’m pregnant so fun cocktails are out for me. We don’t usually do too much for birthdays but craving some way to mark the day. I’m climbing the walls of our small apartment but also feeling uncreative…
Cat
go to a Christmas market and stroll around sipping hot cider?
is there a botanical garden nearby that does a Christmas light display?
Anonymous
What about something simple like ordering your fave food in and you pick the movie? For my birthday my husband usually suffers a movie that’s very much more my choice or a board game I love that he hates. Maybe add a fun mocktail and movie snacks. Or order something like a darts board or a board game if you don’t usually do that? I like Codewords for two people or Concept. I also quite like doing things the last year like order Italian food and play cheesy restaurant music.
Cora
I really liked the country themed nights people did a lot last year – french food ordered in with french wine (or other drink) and a french movie. I feel like that is more fun than a subpar experience outside the house.
Senior Attorney
That sounds super fun!
Allie
If you celebrate Christmas can you drive to a small town well decorated for Christmas, get a tasty hot beverage, walk around and pop in and out of shops and treat yourself to something from one of those shops?
aBr
Make your husband bake and DECORATE a cake for you all by himself. Always leads to hilarity at least from my husband as he has the talent of approximately a seven year old decorating the cake.
Curious
This is yet another instance where we need the ability to upload photos.
Anonymous
Looking for guidance. I’m a fairly new partner at a regional firm in the central US. I make about $120k. For Reasons, including succession planning/implementation, I am looking to leave. The vast majority of my clients do not have a legal department (under 300 employees), so I don’t have a likelihood of going in-house to a client. I think some of the clients would move with me, but not enough to sustain myself. Do I have any shot at an in-house job with no connections there? What about a BigLaw job? I’d be open to being a lower level workhorse for a few years, given the pay differences. Any shot?
My contingency plan, if the realistic answer is no, then I need to focus the next year or so on trying to network differently.
No Face
I’m in the central US. I know many people at your level (or even lower) who snagged in-house gigs. They did not have the same precise level of expertise either (e.g. litigator). Start applying to job postings, and reaching out to anyone you know who is already in-house. The other great thing about going from a regional midwest/heartland firm to a large company is that it often comes with a pay bump instead of a paycut.
No Face
I did not finish my parenthetical! I meant a commercial litigation friend became in house employment counsel.
Anon
Anecdotal but I was in a similar position not long ago and just applied to all the in-house job ads I could find on the internet and eventually landed one. I have a colleague who was doing the same and is now in the final interview stages for an in-house role. Neither of us had any connections to the companies.
MND
Echo above. I was at a bigger firm but didn’t have networking support from my firm, and got my job through applications to postings. Networking is important, but IME the “worked for a client at a firm -> went inhouse to that client” pathway is overhyped – while it sometimes happens, it’s not the default for inhouse jobs.
Equestrian Attorney
I just went in-house and did not go to an existing client but was contacted by a recruiter. If there are any good legal recruiters in your area, it’s worth reaching out and letting them know you’re looking.
Anon
I’m in-house and manage a large team, and we hire people all the time who were not previously our outside counsel. (In fact, I have openings now – if “central US” means the midwest and you’re in a major city we might be hiring in your area…)
Horse Crazy
Any advice on how to refresh my work wardrobe on a budget?
I am leaving a job that has been WFH the entire time – I’ve been wearing mostly solid tees, cardigans, and leggings. I am starting a new job in January that will be WFH + frequent [car] travel, and the attire for the job is business professional. I haven’t had to regularly dress like this in years, so I have a few pieces that will work (mostly sweaters and a few blouses), but not enough for everyday wear. I have also not been making a lot of money at my old job, so don’t have too much lying around for clothes shopping. I am getting a ~$25k raise at the new job (yay, me!), so I will have a little extra room then. Any suggestions for a wardrobe refresh/update? Are StitchFix/Le Tote/Nordstrom Trunk Club good options? I’ve never tried any of them.
Cora
I’m a few months into the new job, but basically in the same position. Stitch Fix was helpful to get work basics, but it can be expensive. I’ve found that the more economical way is to wait for sales, and bought a lot from Banana Republic Factory.
I still need to buy some more work tops that aren’t sweaters though. I liked the ones I got from BR Factory and from Express.
Anon
Oh I am in the middle of doing the same! I’m leaving a job with a field work component so days in work boots + hiking pants + agency polo for a very corporate Fortune 100 job. Prior to my current job, I worked in an agency HQ and wore the classic pencil skirt, silk shell, and pumps combo. I kept all of those clothes, but they feel very dated – I have a few basic dresses from then that I kept and have continued to wear and will wear at the new job. I’ll be in the office 4 days a week so figured I only need 8 work outfits.
– I went to my local consignment shop and picked up 2 Loft dresses for $35 total.
– I used Black Friday sales (but you could look at after Christmas sales) to pick up a few pairs of work pants and a few tops that will work for both work and the weekend.
– I bought 2 shells and a sweater from One Quince.
– I’ve asked my parents for a few additional work dresses for Christmas.
Anonymous
Buy used – look at ThredUp, or Swap.com if your budget is really tight and you have more patience for weeding.
Anonymous
+1 There is a ton of inexpensive stuff on ThredUp of brands like Halogen (Nordstrom house brand of officewear, I think), Banana, Anne Taylor, Talbots and others…I feel like people who are working remotely now are trying to sell their old wardrobes and you can take advantage.
Anokha
+1. I snagged some MM LaFleur on Poshmark at very discounted prices.
No Face
Dedicate a weekend morning to hitting up the thrift/consignment/resale stores in the most affluent areas in your area to buy clothes. Then fill in whatever gaps are left at someplace like Banana Republic Factory.
I went back to the office several months ago and almost none of my work clothes fit because of covid weight gain. I spent about $150 at a thrift store and got a lot of Banana/Ann Taylor type clothes for work.
Anon
DEF check out a consignment shop!! I just (as in an hour ago during my lunch break) bought two work blouses (one LOFT and one Banana) from my local higher end consignment shop. Total was $21.
Anon
I’m a fan of picking a color palette and buying in that, I like neutrals. Banana and JCrew are both having sales right now (I’m especially loving Banana’s designs right now), I’d probably pick up a couple pairs of pants, 3-4 blouses and a couple of blazers. That all in will probably be reasonable. If you keep it monochrome or neutral, it looks more expensive and also dressier and less memorable so you won’t need as much. I’d personally also grab a more structured bag like Cuyana, and some gold jewelry.
Anon
Fwiw, I dislike thrifting or poshmark because you can’t return things and often sales at retail are about the same price but with the option to return.
Anon
I like consignment shopping because I can try on in person and I find the deals are better than sales. For example, I got a Theory work top for $18, and a Loft work dress and top for $14 and $10, respectively
MagicUnicorn
I view Poshmark like a final sale page for brands and cuts I know fit me well. Great for finding deals on known quantities, but a pricey gamble otherwise.
Senior Attorney
Yes. Fun story: I had a J Crew t-shirt that I just loved but it developed the mysterious holes around the belly button, and I was able to find the exact same one brand new at Poshmark for a great price.
Anonymous
Okay, but can we talk about the mysterious belly button holes?? This has killed my wardrobe. At first, I thought I had moths, and then I realized it was my pants rubbing on my pants. What is the solution for this? Is it just worse because of my belly pushing my pants out??
Anon
The solution is to buy higher quality clothes. It’s not a you problem, it’s a clothes problem.
Senior Attorney
Sadly, I think that’s right. Also if you take a nail file and file down the sharp corners on the fly of your jeans, that helps.
MagicUnicorn
Yes to the nail file solution! I get belly holes in shorts when I have a pair of jeans with the thread ends around the button area that are melt-cut, so the little melted nub is sharp and snaggy. A nail file fixes it really well and saves my knit shirts.
Woof
Before shopping, make a list of what you need/want to buy: dresses, a suit or two, tops, shoes, etc. Narrow down your color palate to make things easier. Try in person first at sales or consignment and thrift shops, and then go on line. While I like thredup and poshmark, ebay makes returns so much easier/possible. Don’t forget handbags, scarves, jewelry to add to your wardrobe. Maybe a stylish friend can help you. Have fun!
Colette
Are you traveling to the same places regularly or seeing the same group of people? I have a similar set up but see different people and have like four business casual outfits that I just rotate/remix.
I bought two pairs of straight leg cropped pants from old navy, a few washable silk shells on super sale and three blazers from Zara. I can mix and match them all. That’s more than enough clothes to last me. No one is going to remember if you wore a slightly similar outfit when you saw them 6 weeks ago.
Jeans Help
I haven’t really worn jeans in two years and I can’t figure out how they should fit. I ordered several pairs I thought I would like in a size up from what I have been wearing because after not wearing them for so long my normal size seemed kind of constricting. The bigger pairs fit, but there’s a little space in the waist if I pull on them and they don’t have that “fit like a glove feeling” I’m used to. My husband who is usually right about
these things says they look great in the larger size and that I’m 35 now and don’t need to be wearing skin tight pants. I think he’s probably right, but part of me thinks they are made to be tight, at least in the upper area, and I’m worried about stretching making them even bigger. They are a slim (but not skinny) style with a 12” leg opening in 98% cotton.
Monday
98% cotton is quite stretchy (assuming the rest is spandex or similar). I think your instincts are right, and especially if the waist is loose that’s a problem (gapping, visible undies). I’d go with the smaller size because they are going to fit the way this pair does after a few hours.
Monday
ETA: your husband may not understand this because men’s pants typically have little to no stretch.
Anon From Here
At about 10 y ears older than yourself, personally I’m finding that jeans with any stretch to them are simply not flattering. My rear end and thighs are no bigger than they were a decade ago, but jeans just aren’t looking right any more. There’s something about the “give” in stretch fabric that draws seriously unflattering attention to my middle-aged, desk jockey figure. Oh, my kingdom for those 100% cotton 501’s I wore into the ground when I was in high school.
Anon
Similar age and body: look for jeans in rigid denim or with 1% or no stretch. They are out there. On the initial try on, you may think they are not comfortable because, like in olden times, there is some breaking in time needed. These have been the answer for me (although there is still a bit of “hang” from my disappearing gluts.
Anon
you can get vintage denim all over the internet – depop, ebay etc. I’m fortunate to live down the street from a shop that specializes in them (Slash Denim, Berkeley) and my daughter and her friends all wore vintage 501s and 505s throughout high school.
Anon
I found 100% cotton jeans at H&M. Partially recycled cotton, too!
Anon
It’s probably the cut – a lot of 90s high waist, loose upper, straight leg styles are in. I can’t stand them and have 3 pairs in the return pile from trying to make them work. For an updated look that’s not awful, I’m liking cropped flares and longer flares.
Anon
I like cropped flares in the summer but cannot make them work with shoes that make sense when it is cold. Open to suggestions.
Anon
I do socks and booties, I’ll do the black tights-knee high version if I’m trying to be dressy, regular socks for more casual. I’m also very tall so I don’t worry about the shorter leg look.
Anon
Adding, it’s actually my favorite winter bottom option – less to drag on the ground and get wet, but still warm with boots and socks.
Anon
What are the norms at your workplace for turning videos on for online meetings? The leadership at my company thinks having videos off is a sign of being disengaged. The result is that I’m on video multiple times a day, every single day. For some reason, it feels more intrusive and burdensome than meeting in person. Am I alone in feeling like this?
Anon
For large internal meetings, we are video optional but for smaller meetings or anything external were video on. My role has a lot less meetings than most of my coworkers so it doesn’t really bother me.
One thing I don’t love is that because we’re hybrid, everything is still a Teams meeting to accommodate those wfh on that particular day. So, even if 5 of the 6 of us are in person, we’ll all call in separately from our desks.
Nina
I feel like this too. People tend to have their cameras on for most meetings, but for very large ones might turn it on in the beginning and then off or just turn it on while speaking. I think that everyone is having zoom fatigue now so if you just want a camera off day people are alright with it.
anon
I HATE video meetings. There is low expectation in the law department and in the functions I support for video engagement other than for the law team staff meeting (small group). The business generally wants nothing to do with video, with a few individual exceptions. If it’s a 1:1 meeting and the other person is “live,” I reciprocate, but I do not initiate!
Cat
Leadership loves video, pretty much everyone else hates it. So I get ‘camera ready’ only on days when I have meetings with leadership. For regular worker bee meetings, nope.
Anon
I don’t ever turn on my camera unless it’s a 1:1 meeting with someone I like and want to say hi to (my manager is in this category). I was on video non-stop at the beginning of the pandemic, and I got really burned out. So now I just don’t do it. I really don’t care if people grumble about it. I’m not going to get fired over it and even our superstar employees get practically non-existent raises so there’s really no incentive to do it when I don’t want to.
Anon
I 100% agree. I recently switched to a company that is “cameras off” for all things and it is such a relief.
Anon
My company doesn’t use video for interactive meetings at all, to the point that I know my boss only by her voice and by her Teams photo. I could pass her on the street and not recognize her.
For Town Halls and the like, the C-suite does video presentations, but listeners are muted and questions must be typed.
Anon
On for small group meetings and team meetings, off for giant ones where the presenters are the focus. I find it personally weird talking to someone’s photo instead of them. Also no culture of dressing up for video calls and super casual environment dress wise.
Anon
I feel like that is the tradeoff — if we WFH, we are on videos to be included (esp. to others back in the office or in the office that day). This was decided so that there aren’t two classes of employees (otherwise I do think that that would develop over time if some people are mainly WFH). Videos are usually only off when there are 20+ people in it (department meetings, etc.) but with the camera on for the speaker (I do like seeing the speakers).
anonymous
We rarely do video except for large “all hands” type meetings were leadership will be on video. I work in tech so on a lot of calls I’m sharing my screen to go over technical details so I’m not even looking at other people if they are on video. I don’t even had a profile picture up so on Teams it just shows my initials.
anon a mouse
You are absolutely not alone. I don’t mind video generally, but my eyesight has really suffered over the past 2 years, and after 6-8 hours on video my eyes just need a break.
Anon
I prefer cameras on 99% of the time. The norm is to have yours on unless someone has explicitly said it’s a no camera meeting. Particularly if you’re speaking, it’s nice to see people listening and nodding and having a non-verbal response to what you’re saying.
If there are like 20+ people, then cameras off is OK unless you’re the one speaking or asking a question.
Brunette Elle Woods
My company is amazing. Work calls are always zoom no video. “Fun” group meetings are very rare and the only time for video.
Nylongirl
Hi, I’ll put the grief book recs together this evening. Her moms funeral is this morning & then I’m having 12 of her family here for lunch since all the restaurants are booked for holiday parties.
Anonymous
I just got my peloton yesterday – any tips appreciated on figuring out the shoes and clipping out. (Also any hashtags?)
London (formerly NY) CPA
There are YouTube videos of the instructors (and normal people) showing how to clip in/out. I really freaked out and thought I was trapped the first time. You really need to twist harder than you think. Takes a bit of practice.
BeenThatGuy
I actually leave the shoes clipped in. I simply unbuckle and hop off. It seems easier than fighting to unclip which sometimes can be harder than the workout!
#corporette
Anonymous
I just got mine a couple weeks ago! It gets easier. You have to point your toe down and inward, apply downward pressure, and twist/yank your heel out. My personal trainer said that the installers tighten the screws as tight as they’ll go, which makes it harder to clip out. He suggested loosening the screws a bit. I haven’t tried it yet but I think they’ve loosened on their own in the couple weeks I’ve had the bike.
anon a mouse
You can loosen the clips (turn them over, there are clear markings for how to do it with an allen wrench). Mine were super tight when they first arrived and it made a huge difference. Also, practice. It gets easier, but I don’t know that I would ever get a road bike with clips — I’m not coordinated enough to do it quickly without falling over!
Anon
You’d be surprised… after a while it gets automatic to the point that I kick my heel out to unclip even when using flat pedals.
anon101
Paper Planner ‘rettes: What are the key components and things you must track in your planner, daily and otherwise? What are you using for 2022? I hate vertical layouts but the horizontal is trash too! I am moving on from Happy Planner to Sprouted this new year, but even that will probably fall short. I keep looking for my ideal version and feel like I’ll never find the one that covers all my bases. I don’t want to use a plane notebook and DIY everything though either.
Anon
There’s nothing I specifically track in my planner. I use a page per day — this coming year will be a hobonichi but I’ve loved the moleskin one too. I just write down whatever is needed for that day — some days there’s a lot of schedule, or a long to do list, or just reminders. I like the page per day style for flexibility to adapt to whatever I need during that time. I also like to look back and find notes for things I need — like an old phone number or similar. I use Google cal for my personal longer term calendar and outlook for work because all of these are shared with multiple people — I only copy over events into the planner as needed for that day or week.
I do keep a list of books read that year in the back, and a list of books recommended to me or that I heard about somewhere.
Anon
Oh and there was a time I used a hobonichi weeks planner when it was 95% personal stuff and just a notebook at work, but now that I’m hybrid, I like having everything in one book.
Anon
This is now I use mine (Lechturm dot grid). Every month I start a page with a list of the days in the month so I can block out things like days off and vacation and people’s birthdays (so helpful!), then I start a heading for each day and use it as a to-do list, notebook for meetings that day, etc. I’m not wedded to this format. If I have a big project in December that needs me to lay out several items, I just do a project page or two in amongst my daily notes. I find that being too rigid about format inhibits using it as an effective tool.
At the back of the book I have dedicated pages for month-end investments balances (I’m nearing retirement – this is top of mind!) and currently have a page for Christmas gifts, with check marks for those that are wrapped already.
I have five years’ worth of these little books on my bookshelf, the sixth on my desk, and am about to crack my seventh for 2022, so clearly it’s working for me!
Vicky Austin
Depending on your tolerance for waiting a couple weeks into 2022 to get a new planner, check out Agendio! Customizable and beautiful.
Anon100
not OP, but wow, thanks for this rec! This looks like exactly what I’m looking for and would make a great birthday gift for myself
anon101
OP here. This is good, very good!
Anon
I love my Lilly Pulitzer extra large planner b/c I really need month-at-a-glance and it sparks joy. I have a very serious job and a very non-Lilly volunteer job and this is a nice counterbalance to my former fluffy life.
Anon
My procrastination is SO BAD. I realized I was so burnt out from my old public health job that I quit and have a glorious month off before starting my new job! I know the new job will also be intense so I’m trying to mostly enjoy my time , but I have a few things I need to knock out this week (time sensitive like fix an issue with a prescription, finish purging my closet (it’s halfway done!), return a library book, etc)?and I cannot bring myself to do it!
Anon
Set small goals, build in a fun reward, hold yourself to it. Know that it feels SO GOOD to get a monkey off your back.
Anon
FWIW, I would try to knock it all out in a day or 2 and have the rest of your time to relax and recharge! Congrats on the new job and enjoy your time off!
Anon
That was my goal! But I’m on day 3 now…
Anonymous
The only time-sensitive thing I’m hearing is the prescription. Do that today. The library book can go back whenever you’re next out running errands (who cares if it’s past-due by then). Skip the closet thing entirely, and anything else that is self-imposed. Just do nothing. I guarantee that after a week or two of it you’ll be ready to do some project-type stuff. Or not. Who cares? You have the rest of your life to do projects. This is your space to sit around and do nothing. Do that long enough that you get bored and restless.
Anon
OTOH, if you’re leaving the house to go get the prescription, take the library book with you and return it already.
No Face
For chores, I like to blast an album that I like and give myself goals for when the album is over.
Anon
with what i read in the news, sometimes i feel like we are living a really bad movie, between the headlines about the Meadows texts and more covid stuff (Cornell shutting down early!), and i wish it was a movie because it is so sad that this is our reality. i’m not a religious person at all, but sometimes i’m like maybe Covid was a test from above to see how we did as a society in the wake of our former president. really i should probably take a break from reading the news, but i also don’t like to bury my head in the sand. (no real point to my post, just ranting)
anon
No advice or anything, but – same. This all feels so never-ending. Somehow that Atlantic article about how no one in rural Michigan cares about covid or has had to adjust their lives in any way has really really brought me down as well.
Anon
I mean, I’m sure a lot of those people in rural Michigan are dead or disabled. Anyone can choose not to care about Covid but there are consequences to that decision.
Anon
I think that’s something we’d like to believe, but I don’t know that it’s true. That Atlantic article really resonated with me because we have a branch of our family that lives in rural Texas, and as far as they are concerned (and are living) the pandemic doesn’t exist. They are not dead or disabled; none of them have even gotten seriously ill. A couple of my cousins have had Delta Covid and they were sick for a couple of weeks and then got better. That lead them to conclude that Covid really isn’t a risk and they don’t need to get vaccinated or worry about it any further. There’s certainly no masking, no limits on gatherings, no restrictions on indoor dining in their communities. They are living like it’s 2019, with no apparent repercussions at this time. It’s both baffling and infuriating for the rest of my family, who take the pandemic seriously and got vaccinated as soon as we were all able to. One of my uncles reminded us in a Facebook thread where we were venting about the situation that we don’t live in a just world, and definitely don’t live in a movie or TV show where people’s irresponsibility always catches up to them in the end. My cousins may get very sick and die because they’re unvaccinated and not taking any precautions, and they may not. If they don’t get very sick or die, it doesn’t mean my choice to wear masks, get vaccinated, socially distance, etc. are incorrect choices. It means my cousins got lucky. I don’t like living my life rolling the dice on whether I’ll be one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have the worst outcome happen to me, so I feel good about my choices. I will still feel good about them if we come through the pandemic and the vast majority of antivaxxers/anti-maskers, etc. are still alive and healthy, which I think is a likely outcome at this point.
Anon
I also have family in the South and completely understand (although someone DID actually die, which made some of them change their tunes while the rest refuse to “live in fear”.) It is like driving without a seatbelt. 999 times out of a thousand, nothing bad happens. That does not make your decision to wear a seatbelt wrong.
Anon
Statistically the unvaccinated are about 10 times as likely to die as the vaccinated when adjusted for age. So your family may have gotten lucky with no deaths, but on a large scale the decision not to get vaccinated is indeed a very risky one, and a lot of anti-vax families have lost one or more family members to Covid.
I guess I just don’t really understand this statement: “that Atlantic article about how no one in rural Michigan cares about covid or has had to adjust their lives in any way has really really brought me down as well.” You got your vax, reduced your risk (and others’ risk), and can now much more safely resume normal life, what’s the problem? I understand being annoyed at anti-vaxxers, but I don’t understand how it translates to sadness about your own life. Now that you’re vaccinated is your life really that different from normal?
Anon
Same with my southern family. There was a wedding about this time last year, then my cousin’s new mother in law died of covid about 2 weeks later. It seems most likely she got it at the wedding, but everyone ignores that and keeps talking about how blessed she was to live long enough to see her son wed. She was late 50s.
LaurenB
I have spent the last few weeks in rural America where my spouse is providing health care. Back in Chicago indoor mask mandates are in place, there is high compliance and I even work out with a mask on in a studio where 99% of the client base has been vaxed. Rural America? Forget it. Few masks visible, indoor dining without distancing, low vax rateS. And of course these are areas with limited hospital services bc that’s why they have to freakin’ import temporary doctors. They are morons. There’s no other explanation. I never thought one way or the other about rural America but I am decidedly unimpressed.
Anon
FWIW, the author of that article is a writer for The American Conservative, which has adopted as its editorial policy opposition to continued masking and Covid mitigation measures and has run articles essentially arguing that getting Covid is a worthwhile sacrifice for freedom. That piece was basically TAC somehow getting to run an editorial in the Atlantic, and it’s bizarre to me that they ran it. I do think that a lot of people have moved into a fairly post pandemic mindset but the sort of sociopathic lack of caring his article displayed is, I suspect, more reliable as a depiction of the views of a small population of very far right journalists than of the people of Michigan.
LaurenB
No, the people in rural MI got lucky. I mean, I’ve never been in a car accident so I suppose it was “a waste” for me to always wear a seat belt.
Anonymous
+1. Me too. It’s like not even a pandemic can get that part of the country to care about the lives of other people. How on earth can we get through future hard things like climate change adaptations?
Anonymous
I know what you mean. I’m in a mandatory in person office and breakthrough infections are rampant. Kids school is having rolling classroom shutdowns. Any time I look at the news about anything not Covid related, it’s awful. I’ve lived through plenty of “historical moments” before and I never enjoy it.
I’ve started reading and rereading a lot of “classics” so that I can think about problems of a different era. Currently working my way through Virginia Woolf and Toni Morrison.
anonshmanon
+1 for reading less news! It’s something I am trying to do at least.
No Face
Low-information diet. I’ve stopped listening to all my news-related podcasts, and unfollowed many of the twitter accounts that I started following during the Trump Administration. I browse the Washington Post in the evening, but that’s it.
Anon
Yep. I did an “Instagram cleanse” and stopped following everyone other than my close friends, and then have slowly been adding back in accounts I follow – mostly artists and artisans doing interesting work. Ditching all the news and politically-focused accounts has helped my mental state a ton. I also put my phone and computer down at 8 p.m. every night and do a jigsaw puzzle, or embroider, or otherwise do something to keep my hands occupied, so I don’t sit there doomscrolling. We don’t have live TV (only streaming) so there’s no temptation to turn on CNN and leave it there.
I also believe in staying informed, but I don’t need to read the news multiple hours a day to do that. I grew up pre-Internet (and also pre-prevalent cable TV; we didn’t get it until I was in high school) and the news we had was limited to whatever was in the city paper in the morning, and whatever we saw on the NBC Nightly News at night. We didn’t have a pulse on every single thing that was happening everywhere at all times, and we didn’t need it to live our lives and be happy. We can be advocates, donate, vote, raise awareness, etc. without feeding ourselves a constant diet of doom via news feeds, all day every day.
Of Counsel
+2 I did this as well. I subscribe to a newspaper and I read it (to at least the headlines) but I do not watch “news” shows unless there is an actual immediate emergency like an approaching fire. I unfollowed every single political account on social media. I muted every family member who insists on posting political content on FB. I tripled the number of pet accounts I follow. And I am much happier.
I am not living under a rock and will vote and donate to support the causes I care about – but me worrying is not doing anything to help anyone and making me miserable. And social media and curated “news” distort my perception of what the rest of the country is thinking/feeling and cause me to catastrophize.
Anon
I was listening to a podcast on polarization, and one piece that really stuck with me was that the more news people consume, the more polarized they are, the less optimistic they are, and the less they feel anything can be done about major problems (I wish I could remember what podcast it was, because it was great, but I listen to so many that it’s lost in my memory). Obviously, then you end up with a circular situation where because people think nothing can be done, they don’t do anything, and problems only got worse. What I took away from that was to limit my news consumption to what was absolutely necessary to stay informed about major issues, to dump most of my social media, and to really focus on local news and issues as my primary concern because my ability to engage and do something about that is much greater. My mood is so, so much better now that I’ve disengaged from the FB/Twitter/cable news rage cycle. (I also deleted IG, although that was never really a news source for me.)
Anon
I agree with everyone else saying to limit the doomscrolling. I don’t believe in cutting out news completely- I read the Wash Post, NY Times, and the Atlantic daily, but I don’t obsess and wallow in it, don’t spend lots of time on social media, and don’t watch any TV news. I try to focus more on books, movies, and TV, and I actually find it really comforting to read/watch things about people dealing with tough times and how they make it through, including both historical fiction and nonfiction and science fiction that inspires ideas about other ways societies deal with problems.
Recruiter dilemma
Has anyone had a recruiter contact them repeatedly or come off as pushy? I have been working in Europe for the past few years but currently unemployed. A recruiter recently contacted me about a temporary position at a company, an internship created to reinforce a team that’s currently experiencing a high volume of work. I told him I need to check with the unemployment office what the rules are for this kind of position for a job seeker like me who is not a student. I have an appointment to speak with someone about this tomorrow. However the recruiter is repeatedly calling me and has sent an email trying to get me to take the position. I am still interviewing for other jobs and would have appreciated time to think this through–the offer was made 2 days ago. I made the recruiter aware that I need to check with unemployment office but now I feel like the constant calls are too pushy. The start date for the internship is supposed to be 10th January. Have not dealt with a situation like this before, not sure how to react.
Anon
Sometimes you have to make a decision and you don’t get all the time you’d like. January 10th is around the corner, and if it’s not you the company proceeds to move on. You can delay at the risk of losing the job. If you want to take a slight risk, accept it and keep looking and dealing with the unemployment issue after you accept. Nothing will be a problem until you start anyway.
Anon
I agree with this, but also consider that the recruiter is trying to make his numbers for year-end.
Anonymous
They’re probably trying to get everything finalized before the holiday. I wouldn’t read too much into it.
Betsy
Are you actually interested in the position? I think pushy recruiters work really well on people who tend to be people pleasers, and it’s really easy to make a decision that isn’t to your benefit. A lot of recruiters are pushy, and it’s important to remember that you are the product they are selling, you are not the client in that transaction.
dark
Any gingerbread-flavor recipe suggestions that are not traditional cookie cutter cookies? I’m in charge of Christmas desserts this year and my go-to recipes are all cream cheese based. TIA!
anon
Gingerbread flavored flan?
A+ Fed
https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/iced-gingerbread-oatmeal-cookies/
https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/gingerbread-cupcakes-with-orange-icing-recipe-1957818
I love gingerbread and make various types every year. I have dozens and dozens of recipes. Do you want a cookie? A cake? Something else.
A+ Fed
https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/gingerbread-whoopie-pies/
dark
Cookies are probably easier just so no one has to slice and serve.
A+ Fed
My comment is in moderation. Whoopie pies? Cupcakes? Iced oatmeal gingerbread cookies? Pudding? Trifle? I make various gingerbread items each year and have lots of recipes.
Sunflower
I haven’t tried this recipe yet but am planning to make it for Christmas. Gingerbread swirl bundt cake. https://joythebaker.com/2019/12/gingerbread-swirl-bundt-cake
Anan
Gingerbread cake with hard sauce?
NYNY
I love this gingerbread cake with whipped cream: https://food52.com/recipes/39601-laurie-colwin-s-damp-gingerbread
Anon
Yes!! NYT chocolate cherry ginger. I’ve gone through two batches recently almost entirely by myself. They are soooooo good.
Ribena
Smitten Kitchen has a gingerbread waffle recipe. I don’t have a waffle iron but they’re on my wish list to make!
AnonMPH
My family makes these “Spice Krinkles” (which we just call “Spice Cookies”) from the yellowed, crumbling original clipping from the NY Times so long ago. But here’s a blogger copying the recipe so I can link it to you online: http://splashofsomething.com/2011/02/07/project-nyt-spice-krinkles/
One note- she didn’t stamp the cookies at the end, you shouldn’t skip that step! It makes them denser and gives a nice look. You can just use the bottom of a glass if you don’t have a stamp. And the cookies should be squished by it, that means you did it right!
Anonymous
I’ve been meaning to make the budgetbytes com gingerbread syrup to try with hot drinks, either chai tea, coffee or hot chocolate. Would probably also be awesome with ice cream.
Anon
I’ve been buying a lot of skincare products and devices during recent sales and it dawned on me that to maintain the use of all of these products long-term would cost thousands annually. I know a lot of derms say to be frugal with skincare and save your money for botox and fillers. Just wondering if anyone has gone that route long term and if you would recommend it to others? I’ve gotten a small amount of botox and filler this year from my dermatologist but haven’t thought too much about maintaining it.
Anonymous
Maybe just deal with your out of control shopping? Return what you can?
Anon
Do you feel better, Anonymous at 10:16, because you got to take your anger and frustration out on an anonymous person on the Internet this morning? I sure hope so. Because there’s no other reason to respond to someone like this. Rude. Inappropriate.
Anon
How extremely not helpful. Do you feel superior now?
Anon
I only spend $ on Botox (3x annually) and Retin-A and electrolysis. Everything else is drugstore brand but I go to Sephora for foundation/concealer to make sure it is the right shade.
anon
I am a Botox + The Ordinary gal. I think I look great. 41 FWIW
Anon
+1 to Botox, and the occasional expensive cream that ever does anything. Botox is the secret here. I’m 47 and often told I look early 40s at most and have very few wrinkles as I started early. Personally I’d skip fillers, I think they look odd on all but the most subtle and even then, a little natural age is nice.
Anon
What does “started early” mean in terms of an explicit age? Thanks for your experience, really helpful!
Anon
I was about 33/34, can’t remember exactly- started at about once a year, worked up to twice, now I go quarterly.
anon
anon at 10:35 – I started around 36/37, but could have started earlier. My 11s have always been out of control
Anonymous
Do you really want to keep using all these products at the same time indefinitely?
I use moisturizer daily and everything else here and there, so I find that they last a long time. There’s also plenty of stuff that I’ve bought, tried, and didn’t buy again.
Anon
I did botox in my 40s through early 50s, then stopped. I didn’t like the raised eyebrow look on myself (continuously surprised) and that was just how my face had decided to respond to botox. I’ve never had fillers.
I spend a decent amount on good skincare. The most important items to me are a good sunscreen that I’m happy to wear every day, and a prescription retinoid (I get mine through Curology).I like a good, rich moisturizer that makes my skin soft, not flaky, but also not shiny, which required a fair amount of trial and error to find. I saw results from using the extremely expensive Skinceuticals Vitamin C/Ferrulic acid serum, but my bottle oxidized before I finished it, so since then I’ve been using less expensive brands and I don’t know if I’m seeing results because now my baseline expectation is raised. I have sensitive skin so I can’t do a lot of exfoliating, but I do like to occasionally use Good Genes overnight and it seems to be ok if I don’t use it too often.
So yes, I spend on skincare but not dermatologists, and I think it’s the right balance for me. I’m not chasing perfection, I’m just trying to maintain, and importantly, to prevent skin cancer.
Anon
I feel like expensive skincare is a racket and all of that marketing to convince us that we need it is just marketing. I’m sure if you looked at all of us in a row you wouldn’t be able to tell who used what on their skin. I now wash my face with Dove and use Vanicream as moisturizer and I still look great. I don’t have special skin at all – most people would also look fine with something simple even though we’re convinced that we wouldn’t.
Anon
Honestly, as someone who has bad problematic skin for her entire life (teen acne to adult cystic acne right into rosacea) you come across as the skincare equivalent of smug married.
“I use dove soap and vanicream and my skin is fine” is correlation in the wrong direction. Your ability to use those things and have good results is because you had good skin to start with. Not the other way around.
Anon
“teen acne to adult cystic acne right into rosacea”
This was my trajectory too, so I empathize. I’m now mid-40s and my skin is leveling out (rosacea is under control and my acne is much better), but I do need specialized skincare to maintain the current state. When I don’t stick to my regimen, my rosacea flares and people ask if I’m okay because my face is so red. I believe a lot of skincare benefits are overhyped, but I am thankful for good products that helped me when my cystic acne was so bad that I couldn’t put my chin in my hand without wincing, and when my rosacea looked worse than Samantha post-mini-peel at Carrie’s book-release party.
Anonymous
+1 so, so much.
Anon
I’m addicted to skincare, but I just buy what I like the most and stock up during the sales. I do think it is more cost beneficial to spend on procedures, but I don’t always have the time to do them.
Brunette Elle Woods
I have a ton of skincare but it’s all basics like an exfoliate, moisturizers for day with SPF and night, and tinted sunscreens. I stock up when they go on sale. Definitely not spending thousands. I generally spend at most $40 per product. I think the most important thing is a good moisturizer and spf.
Anon for this
I am an EA. In January there will be some personnel changes that will impact the execs I support, so there may be changes in that lineup. That’s fine (this is par for the course in my type of job). Oddly, a corporate recruiter who I first interviewed with has started to contact me via LinkedIn, and to send me invitations to connect there. If she wanted to talk to me she could easily send me a message through our various internal channels (Outlook email, Teams, etc.). I am not a particularly sophisticated LI user, and am suspicious that she’s reaching out that way in order to try to monitor if I look for a new job next year. Am I crazy? We are a medium sized company (1000+ employees nationwide).
anon
I think it sounds like she is using LI how it was intended and not to try to spy on you.
Anon
This, the spying is an odd take. It’s completely normal to connect with people you work with.
Anon
Recruiters benefit from having a large network of people, especially on LinkedIn, so that’s likely the reason she wants to connect – then her posts have a likelihood of being seen by your connections, one of whom may be interested in a job she’s recruiting for. Maybe she’s planning to leave her job and wants to make sure she stays in touch with you. Maybe she just thinks you’re neat, or interesting, and wants to be connected on LinkedIn. There are all kinds of reasons why she is wanting to connect on LinkedIn (p.s. – she is not repeatedly sending you connection requests; once someone sends one request LinkedIn will continue to remind you about the request until you accept or dismiss it), the vast majority of which are not nefarious.
Anon
It’s more likely that she’s looking for a new job and is trying to build her network.
Anon
while i know that it is the thought that counts, if you are going to bring a little token/gift to a new neighbor, please bring something secular. not everyone celebrates christmas.
Anon
Alternate take: especially in a situation where someone is a new neighbor, people don’t know anything about you and are trying their best to connect and be friendly, and so therefore may just take a stab at offering something seasonally-appropriate and don’t mean to offend. I don’t celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday, but take gifts given in the spirit in which I believe they were intended, which is (hopefully) positive. Going through life looking for reasons to get angry and offended is a great way to end up really unhappy, and stay there. Rather than assume people are clueless and insensitive, try assuming that people are trying their best despite having many challenges and problems of their own. It can really change the whole way you interface with the world.
Anon
I don’t think she’s ‘going through life looking for reasons to get angry and offended” – I think she’s giving people a PSA. If it makes even one person think twice before giving their new neighbor who might be Jewish or Muslim something Jesus-related, it’s led to positive change and isn’t that worth it?
anonshmanon
Alternate take to your take: the OP did not imply any bad intent in the gift giver, and didn’t indicate that she would hold the gift choice against them. She is simply providing a PSA for those who are looking for a gift.
OP
yes, it was a lovely gesture, so simply a PSA. i’m not offended, but we are Jewish and so bringing me something Christmas related with Santa Claus is not really something i keep in my house
Anon
I totally understand and am glad you posted this. My family celebrates Christmas culturally but not religiously. We joined a friend’s caroling group a few years ago thinking it would be a fun evening. And there we were, singing to people who kindly opened their door to us but had no Christmas decorations of any kind, watching them awkwardly listen as we moved through the second verse of Silent Night. I never in a million years thought I’d be a proselytizer but there I was. Never again.
Anon
True story: in high school, my #1 Christmas caroling buddy was a Jewish friend who was a great singer and basically wanted to come along to observe the quaint customs of my people. That being said, I knew all my neighbors and knew all of them celebrated Christmas. My brother’s neighborhood now has opt-in Christmas caroling where you only visit houses that indicate they want carolers, which I think is by far a superior approach for reasons both religious and logistical.
Anon
To anon at 2:03. In one of my friend groups I’m the only non-Jew. I made a big deal of wishing all of my Jewish friends happy holidays on their big days (including but not only Hannukah) and by the same token they’re all threatening to make our next zoom call all about singing me carols. Haha
But it’s different than caroling at a stranger’s house and just assuming they want to hear it. I like the opt-in idea.
Anon
I get it. I’m Jewish and my boss gives me a “Christmas present” every year. He’s a great guy, and I know it’s a kind, well-intended gesture, but it is a microaggression and I resent the idea that we’re not allowed to talk about it and educate people.
Anon
+1 Also, it takes no effort on the other side to be aware of this.
Anon
Honestly, I would be very embarrassed to have assumed someone celebrated a holiday that they didn’t and there’s nothing wrong with a gentle reminder to take religious difference into account when welcoming new neighbors.
I am, by the way, Extremely Into Jesus. But I’m not at all threatened – nor am I in turn offended – by being reminded that not everyone else is.
Anonymous
Comments like this are why people don’t bother trying to be nice.
Anon
Maybe redefine “being nice” to include not offending someone by assuming their religion. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Anon
This.
Anon
Oh good grief. This is a reminder about being respectful and thoughtful.
Anon B
What are your preferred vitamin B-12 and D3 supplements that seem to work best? I know there’ve been similar threads recently, but I’m having trouble finding them. An endocrinologist recently recommended taking each as a daily supplement after checking my levels, but he was agnostic w.r.t. brand.
Anonymous
Whatever they have at Costco
Senior Attorney
Or Trader Joe’s.
Anon
I just started taking Ritual because I needed B12 and D and magnesium. Pricy but for me it was worth having everything I needed all rolled into one without a bunch of extra stuff that’s in a full multivitamin.
Anon
I take Costco D3 as I live in an area with poor light in the winter and my doc said I had the highest vit D reading he’d seen.
lifer
I hoped your doc instructed you how to decrease your dose. Too much Vit D is not good.
Anon
A dangerous level of Vitamin D is way, way behind just a very high level on a blood test. I take high-dose vitamin D as part of managing a thyroid condition (I also take thyroid meds) and I have extremely high levels but my endocrinologist says it’s good.
Anon
*beyond
anon
Nature Made
Anon
+1 to Nature Made
Anon
I take NatureMade too.
Anon
I don’t take B-12, but I do need to take Vitamin D due to low levels on my blood tests, so I take one that has K2 as well, as I understand D3 alone is not as effective. Mine is SR Plant Based D3+K2 and I just have it on auto-delivery.
Curious
Nordic naturals gummies for D! Only one I take reliably.
Anon
YMMV, and I’ve said this here before, but my life changed when I switched from B12 supplements to B12 injections. Apparently one of the most common reasons for a B12 deficiency is a malabsorption that supplements don’t do much to get around (though they can raise levels on labs without necessarily being effective, which confuses doctors who aren’t very familiar with testing). For a deficiency that’s not from malabsorption though (= a dietary deficiency), I would just look for any cyanocobalamin or hydroxocobalamin formulation. (There’s a trend lately for supplements to supply only methylcobalamin, which is nice for poor methylators, but logically I would think that people who are actually deficient would want a complete source of B12? Maybe it’s easy to get some adenosylcobalamin from a food source, but I would rather cover my bases).
I’ve never settled on one brand of D3 (my doctor is indifferent too), and my levels never improve enough so I guess “not the ones I’ve tried.”
Anon
Last-minute gift recommendation help needed! My dad lives in Florida and wears flip flops frequently. Right now he wears an athletic pair, but I’d like to get him a “nicer” pair, maybe that you’d wear with a button down. Any recommendations for nice looking/dressier men’s flip flops that are comfortable? Thanks ladies!
Anon
Reef
anonymous
Olukai
Anonymous
Olukai leather
Anon
They’re not nice, but better than athletic, but I love my rainbows!
Cat
https://www.reef.com/shop/mens-sandals/reef-draftsmen/RF002611BZB-100-M.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6Mirr6Lm9AIVgv_jBx1SSAqVEAQYASABEgIxb_D_BwE
Pompom
Sperry makes decent looking ones that have good foot support, if that’s a concern. I have Reefs that I love (and Rainbows) but they can be a tough fit for some feet (too flat for me)
anon
Rainbows
Anon
Rainbows, judging from what my kids have on their feet 99% of the time. They do last forever!
Anon
Any other perimenopausal women here on daily Gabapentin for hot flashes and sleep problems? I am getting maybe 4-5 hours a night of sleep at night due to racing thoughts/tension, and also hot flashes (I’m also having terrible hot flashes during the day, including one that happened during a video call with my C-suite execs this week), and brought it up to my doctor. He recommended 300 mg of Gabapentin daily before bed at night, starting with a 100 mg dose and titrating up. He said it should help with sleep and also with hot flashes (which I guess are exacerbated sometimes by poor sleep, in kind of a self-reinforcing cycle). I read online and it looks like this is a standard recommendation for bothersome perimenopause symptoms. I use Gabapentin for migraines and it knocks me out, so definitely understand why it would be recommended for sleep problems, but given other issues that have emerged with pain medications (*cough* Dopesick) I’m reluctant to use it daily. The other option he offered me was a low-dose antidepressant, but said it would have “wider effects” on my mood, appetite, libido, etc. than the Gabapentin. No one will give me any kind of hormone treatment because my mom had ER+ and HER2+ breast cancer. TIA!
anomanomanom
That’s wild to me as my only experience with Gabapentin was with my senior dog towards the end. It seemed like a pretty hardcore medicine and even the lowest dose gave him the spins so I didn’t keep him on it long. But had to go to a real pharmacy and give my license to be tracked to get it so it made an impact.
I will say my anti anxiety meds have done wonders for the late night racing mind but can’t speak to the hot flash issue just yet. I would maybe consider trying to get a psychiatric consult and talking it through with them to see if maybe it should be treated from the anxiety angle. Lack of sleep is my number one signal my anxiety and depression are getting ready to make a serious run at me.
Anon
Gabapentin is the latest “let’s try it for everything” drug, but there’s not a lot of evidence behind it for most conditions it’s used for. However, most of those conditions don’t have other great solutions either, so it can be worth a try. Unfortunately, most of this stuff is trial and error at this point and there’s no way to tell whether something will help without just trying it and seeing what happens. I tend to have a lot of trouble with drug side effects so I always titrate up very gradually, usually much more slowly than the standard doctor’s advice. It might take longer to see an effect, but I’ve found that I do better that way, YMMV. (I haven’t actually taken gabapentin, but it’s been suggested to me for several conditions I have and I’ve taken lots of other meds for those conditions, including chronic migraine.)
anon
I’ve recently begun experiencing perimenopause symptoms, and the insomnia has been especially bothersome (sometimes cannot fall asleep for hours, other times I wake up at 2:30 a.m. and can’t go back to sleep). Interestingly, though I’ve been taking 600-800 mg of gabapentin daily for the past several years, for a completely unrelated medical issue, and am still experiencing these sleep problems. For what it’s worth, I’ve experienced no ill side effects at all from the gabapentin, it’s just not doing much to help my insomnia.
So Anon
One word from someone who has been there: Edibles.
in my case micro-dosing (2.5 mg; 5 if I really need it). Just enough to get me to sleep.
Anon
Thanks for this suggestion. Edibles are only medically legal at this point where I am and I just haven’t wanted to deal with the hassle of getting a medical card, but it may be worth it if they work well.
Anon
Just to be clear, since you mentioned Dopesick, Gabapentin is not an opioid. It’s meant for nerve pain and is also and anticonvulsant. I’m not sure about the off label use for perimenopause symptoms but I wouldn’t worry about dopesick-type issues with it. You’re not going to ramp up to black tar heroin from a gabapentin habit. My husband has gone on and off it for years due to a spinal issue.
That said, I agree with a prior poster about edibles.
Anonymous
I take Effexor for menopausal hot flashes (history of ER+ bc). It helps.
Anon
I am aware of people who wish they had never started high doses of gabapentin. I am sure that not everyone has difficulty, but be careful if you do this, and consider looking for the Facebook groups that support people trying to get off it. I don’t want to be alarmist, but try to go in with your eyes open about the risk/reward ratio.
Anon
I’ve been taking gabapentin for hot flashes for about five months and it has worked extremely well for me. My doctor said it might cause sleepiness, but sadly for me it hasn’t had that effect. Give it about 30 days to start working.
Head Scarf
My sister just had some brain surgery. She’s ok but has 45 staples across the stop of her head, more or less where a headband would sit, maybe a touch further back. The incision is at least six inches long. She has asked me to find her a scarf that she can loosely tie. My family’s heads run large (dad wears a 5XL special ordered baseball hat. no joke. thankfully we’re not that large but a L baseball hat is snug).
Other than just ordering a lot on amazon through trial and error, does anyone have suggestions? I’m not sure what the right dimensions are for something that would wrap our head size and also be large enough that it’s not tight and putting pressure on the incision. I’ve been tasked with getting her something ASAP so her 3 year old doesn’t have to see the wound when she goes home tomorrow and then help her to find something that’s a better fit more long term while she heals and the hair regrows. TIA.
Anon
It may not be soft enough, but the Lilly Murphee (I think is the spelling) scarf is a long long rectangle and comes in happy colors. Something microfiber in that shape would work I think.
Anonnymouse
Agree that any long, rectangular scarf that is not too wide will work great as well.
Anonnymouse
Something like this (in 100% cotton) may be a good option that will stay on easier than a scarf, if she’s open to hats. The knit fabric will be stretchy and should accommodate a bigger head (my head is also massive!).
Knit beret style hat:
https://www.headcovers.com/100-cotton-basic-beret/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAweaNBhDEARIsAJ5hwbcXF0a2mis_2f-AO5VUjOWCLaHuAnpN0Zk8Z5S9nxLqXsVtjCov9WUaAth_EALw_wcB
Monte
I love The Wrap Life — various headscarves and turbans. Stay away from the cotton ones, which are lovely but likely too stiff for comfort. The ribbed stretchy wraps or the satin lined bandies or turbans might work for her.
Digby
On Amazon, look for the Cardani pre-tied headscarf, or a “chemo headscarf.”
For longer term, I would look at headcovers.com – they specialize in hair loss, and have lots of scarves, turbans, and hats.
Anon
Thanks to yesterday’s discussion, I just polished off a bacon-avocado-cheddar sandwich. I couldn’t wait any more.
anon
Bacon is magical! And that sandwich sounds incredible. Yum!
Disclaimer: Yes I am aware that eating less meat and more vegetables is a great idea. However bacon is magical and makes some of those vegetables tasty, so eat in moderation, and eat the best quality you can afford, but just as importantly, enjoy!
Anon
Agreed — I am a 95% vegetarian for cholesterol / health reasons and adore those choices as well as my 5% bacon sandwich moments.
Anon
You are not the only vegetarian-except-for-bacon person I’ve heard of. I’ve met at least 5? Maybe more.
Ribena
I can’t eat avocado but chiming in to agree with you on the principle of this comment! Had my once-a-quarter cheeseburger this Monday and it was fantastic.
Curious
Wait are we avocado intolerance twins?
Anon
I didn’t even make it through yesterday. Bacon for lunch made me nostalgic for bacon-heavy Whole Foods takeout lunches back when I worked in the office!
Anon
Yeah, I went rummaging through the meat drawer and found that we had three bacon slices leftover from a recipe we’d made earlier. I had fried eggs, toast, and bacon for lunch yesterday!
Anon
I know you’re trying to troll the poster from yesterday, but I think this is a good example of why the MIL’s behavior seems so weird. It would be just as fun for grandma and the kids to create a ritual about having BLT night and breakfast for dinner night every time she visits. They can gorge on bacon but it also includes OP who can have an avocado, cheese/tempeh bacon, lettuce, tomato sandwich, or they all eat waffles and fruit, pancakes, omelets, a veggie scramble, or whatever (mimosas for grandma and OP?), plus bacon for the bacon eaters. Those are all pretty easy meal options, so grandma or grandma and the kids could probably cook them themselves and make life a little easier for mom in the process, and it’s a more well balanced meal, so it’s a win all around.
Anon
I definitely didn’t read it as Grandma was serving the kids a meal of bacon and nothing else. OP was objecting to the presence of bacon, not the absence of other foods.
Anon
She said that they mostly eat it on its own as a snack, but sometimes have it with meals. She definitely wasn’t objecting to bacon being served at all (I agree that’s much more problematic), just the amount and the focus on it that leaves her feeling left out.
Anon
And I’m not just here to rehash the discussion from yesterday- I’d actually suggest the OP use her words and tell MIL (or her husband who can bring it up with his mom) that she feels left out and propose something like this (or whatever else is appealing to her) as a solution. It’s her house, she does have the power to change the situation instead of just feeling excluded.
Anon
I haven’t eaten pork since….middle school? But bacon was always the only kind of pork I liked, and I could really go for a BLT right now, especially one with fancy cheese and good bread.
joan wilder
It is that time of year… would love to hear your favorite charities for year end giving. I have a list of organizations I support each year, but save some of my annual charity budget to try to vary among other new organizations. Would love new ideas for this year, big or small, domestic or international. I’ve got about $30-$50 per organization to direct for a handful of new groups.
Anon
Diaper Bank of your area
anon
I just did this by sourcing via IG from friends so I have lots of suggestions but mine weee mostly local so will only give names of larger groups!
Local food bank, local parks foundation, local conservancy foundation, local bicycle charity programs, local school foundations, local programs that support additional meals for kids, First Descents, IM ABLE, PP, animal rescue orgs, groups that provide educational and after school programs for kids from low income families, regional riverkeepers association, Andrew McDonogh B+ Foundation, and local bail fund.
Anon.
http://wrrap.org/ Women’s Reproductive Rights Assistance Project.
Formerly Lilly
Southern Poverty Law Center. They do so much more than southern poverty.
anon
-International Rescue Committee
-My local food bank makes funds go really, really far in helping the community, so I like to give them $ (Second Harvest of Silicon Valley if you’re near me, but probably best to give to your local food bank)
-In my area, each public school district has a foundation that raises funds to make up for inadequate funding. Normally these are primarily funded by parents. This pays for art teachers, counseling, etc. There’s a particularly underfunded district where the majority of families can’t afford to give that relies on gifts from the wider community.
Anonymous
I recently moved and have used Charity Navigator’s website to find small, local charities in my area. You can also donate anonymously through their website which reduces mail solicitations.
roxie
+1 to your local diaper bank recommendation
I’d add your local abortion fund, or a fund in TX or MS (google for names/websites/lists)
I also love local bail-out funds. Cash bail is racist and classist and absolutely cruel.
Also great to give to whomever may be housing or supporting Afghan refugees in your state.
Anonymous
For the international box – Doctors without borders.
Food security, women’s reproductive health and young homeless people are my priorities.
If it was local to me (as in the same continent, as is I find similar at home), I’d single out The Trevor Project in particular.
Anon
Berea College is amazing.
skin
Anyone have a dermatologist rec for the Chicago area? Mine retired during COVID.
I am looking for someone to help with acne/hair loss/cyst removal/skin checks etc.. – not for Botox etc… And my health insurance is terrible so I will have to pay for everything myself, so definitely would prefer a more medical dermatologist and not the pricey beauty clinic type.
I’m actually just west of the city in Oak Park, but would travel.
Anonymous
I think I’m experiencing some sort of delayed anger and I’m wondering if anyone else has gone through this. I got married a couple of months ago. He’s so great, our relationship is easy and he’s the true, equal partner I’ve been searching for. We’re both in our late 30s. Before him, I was trying so hard to find a suitable partner. I was on dating apps etc since before they were cool. I’ve had so many disappointments and heartbreaks. I went to therapy for a while to figure out what I was doing wrong to attract so many duds. I tried my best to keep my chin up. I took break from the apps periodically. I filled my life with travel and hobbies and friends. And now I finally have a great guy!
And I’m just so angry. I’m angry at all the losers who wasted my time. I’m angry at myself for putting up with so much BS. I find myself randomly replaying fights with exes. Everything on TV or movies reminds me of something awful about some cruddy guy. I think maybe I never really let myself feel my anger because I was always so busy picking myself up and brushing myself off and trying to keep a positive outlook. I’m surprised at myself about how angry I am, and then I get even more mad at myself for being mad! I have everything I’ve always wanted (except a baby; working on it) why can’t I just be happy??
lifer
Well, you may just be depressed. Anger can often be a side of depression. You can be depressed even when life is “good”. Of course, you realize that this fixation on the past struggles is a waste of time (although I do the same thing!!), but can be very hard to stop/control.
Sounds like you need to check in with your therapist again, or possibly a short trial of an anti-depressant. You want your new marriage to start off on the right foot.
Anon
I think you’re depressed and you should see a doctor.
Anonnymouse
Not a therapist, but…maybe you’re grieving the time you “lost”? That you could’ve had with your amazing guy vs all the duds? Grief can manifest as anger, disappointment. Also agree that maybe you didn’t let yourself feel your feelings, and now that you can “relax”, you’re feeling them.
Excited for you and your next chapter. Maybe try therapy again? It’s a good, safe outlet for me for feelings that I feel might be too much to share with others in my life.
Anon
Also music. God Bless the Broken Road may not be your jam but sometimes it comes on in the car and it’s hard not to weep (first time bride at almost-37).
Anonymous
“I think maybe I never really let myself feel my anger because I was always so busy picking myself up and brushing myself off and trying to keep a positive outlook.” I think you’re being quite self-aware with this. I’d do some therapy around it so you don’t have to continue living this way. Unfelt emotion doesn’t go away; often, it just goes underneath.
I’m guessing you need to grieve, let go, forgive, release bitterness and regret, accept the loss, etc.
Anon
Agree with therapy again. I was you in terms of dated for decades and before online was cool, probably north of 200 first dates and at least 6 longer term relationships before I met my husband. I’m not angry though, I see it as getting a lot of lived experience that helped me immediately realize my now husband was the “one,” gaining a lot of valuable relationship navigating skills, and being grateful every day for what I now have. I can relate to my single friends in a way many married people can’t and same with my married friends. My life was rich and full and has had a lot of chapters. It’s all in how you look at it.
anon
+1 I am still single, although dating, and I made a lot of bad decisions and also have gone out on dates with lots of duds, but I am not angry about any of it (in my 40s FWIW). I choose to look at each of them as a learning experience, both about myself and about each of them. If you aren’t able to change your mindset about this on your own, definitely therapy. While you are absolutely fine to feel whatever emotions you are feeling, this anger is not going to be healthy or produtive for you or your new marriage, so best to try to figure it out asap and work through it and that seems like a good thing for a therapist to help you with.
anon
I’ll add that my life is also rich and I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything because my life is complete now. It would be great if I could find a partner, but I don’t need a partner to feel like my life is missing anything fundametally. I think that mindset helps me a lot.
Senior Attorney
Therapy will help, also just the passage of time. When I met my sweet husband I was married to somebody who was just awful, and while I wasn’t angry, per se, I had what I call Relationship PTSF. For the longest time, something would happen and I’d think “Wow, with Former Husband this would be a huge fight!” or “Wow, FH would give me the Silent Treatment for days over this!” Fortunately, over time it kind of faded away as I got used to being in a healthy relationship. But I feel you. And yes, therapy will help. (Also stop being mad at yourself for being mad. Your feelings are your feelings and the only way out is through.)
Senior Attorney
Heh Relationship PTSD.
Senior Attorney
And I was married to somebody awful BEFORE I met my sweet husband. Good grief.
Anon
My very lovely therapist helped me specifically work on the anger I felt towards an ex. I hadn’t even realized it was a problem, but it was so helpful. Might be worth exploring therapy a bit more.
Woof
Sometimes I am just angry at Men for being as inadequate as they are. (I know I may get hate on this.) But men as a group are often disappointing, man-babies, irresponsible, lacking in proper behavior, etc. It is hard, but possible, to find the good ones, and dating the jerks gets really old. Maybe now you are letting yourself “see” the bad behavior. Most prisoners are men, and most criminals are men. Therapy may be your best friend right now. hugs to you.
Senior Attorney
My former therapist once told me, “most men are unsuitable,” and good grief! Truer words were never spoken!
Brunette Elle Woods
Therapy is probably a good idea. I have similar feelings as I spent years dating awful men, even one long 5 year relationship that was a complete waste of time. I think you should cut yourself some slack. Dating is really hard and sometimes we make excuses for our SO’s poor behavior. It sounds like you’re angry with yourself and need to come to terms with it. Forgive yourself, be grateful for your amazing husband and enjoy yourself life. Being angry is only giving those men more of your time and energy.
Anon
All those bad dates and horrible exes led you to where you are today. You would not have ended up with this great guy if you’d traveled some other road.
None of us make it out of this life unscathed. Wear your scars as a badge of honor, and celebrate the person that all of life’s ups and downs have made you.
That plus therapy.
Notagirl
The lovely old lady who is my neighbour had an operation of the pituitary gland that has left her homebound and easily tired whereas she used to be very active for her age. She lives with her husband and now spends a lot of time playing sudoku or patience on her phone, loves card and board games but doesn’t own many. I cannot go over to play with her because covid, but I would like to get her for Christmas a game that can be played well by 1 or 2 people. Any ideas of what would be good? Or other things to occupy her time not on the phone/tv? Mobility is also an issue. Thank you!
Flats Only
In addition to games, maybe a big puzzle with one of those mats you can roll up to store a puzzle while you work on it? Advantage being that she can work it alone, or with him, and if she gets tired easily she can start/stop the puzzle as she pleases.
Anon
Exploding Kittens is always a winner
Go for it
Blockus
Anon
Can you play a multiplayer game with her over your smart phones? One of my friends invited me to play quiz planet, and I invited some of my friends and family, and now we have a little back and forth game going at all times. I used to do the same with words with friends.
anonshmanon
Set could be a fit, if she likes sudoku and patience. Can be played alone or together.
amberwitch
Set is great as a single player and a multiplayer game.
Elderlyunicorn
I like to play Racko, Roll for It or Monopoly Deal when I want an easy game. Bloom is also fun.
If she likes more “thinking” games, Patchwork, Ticket to Ride, Azul or Wingspan are all fun. Wingspan is probably most involved to learn, but not too bad.
All but Patchwork can be played with more than 2, but still great with just 2.
Anon
Bananagram.
Emily
What (healthier) snacks would you like to have in the office?
I can ask the office manager to order essentially whatever I want from Amaon food-wise within reason because there aren’t too many people in the office, so he’s asking around. Right now we have a lot of 100-calorie sized packets of chips/cookies/candy. I was thinking it would be good to have some granola bars or breakfast bars, selfishly because I often forget to eat breakfast.
Anon
Apples and bananas, prepackaged cheese, roasted edamame
Anon
Perishable foods probably aren’t going to work in this situation.
Anonymous
Nuts? I usually have ~100 calorie packs of almonds in my desk.
Anon
Those 100-calorie packs are a nightmare for me and I quit keeping them around several years ago, because it’s just not enough of the thing to feel like I ate anything.
You might laugh, but Clif makes a bar for kids called Z Bars and those are my go-to breakfast/late afternoon snack. They’re less caloric than regular Clif bars (130 calories per bar), have protein and fiber, and don’t seem to trigger the desire for more carbs the way that those 100-calorie packs of cookies do. I also like keeping nuts around and just remember to limit the serving. Basically, anything with protein is better than stuff with no protein, for me.
Emily
Z Bars sound like a great idea. I don’t like the ones that are 200+ calories – seems a bit much for a glorified granola bar.
Anon
+1 for Z bars!
Woof
packaged fruit cups, small batches of nuts, packets of olives–skip the sugars and grains.
Anon
+1
Anon
My last job made it a point to have sweet and savory snacks separately, in case anyone had special dietary needs. So dried fruit (can be simple like raisins or elaborate like a part mix), low-salt nuts, lean jerky, etc.
Anonymous
dried fruit (with no added sugars!) packages, yogurt if there’s a fridge, seaweed snacks. okay, the last one isn’t exactly healthy but i would love some salty snacks mixed in with sweet snacks
Anon
I used to do this for my office.
Granola Bars
La croix waters
Bags of mixed nuts (great for people doing low carb)
Turkey jerky
If you’re going more meal type:
Cup of noodles
Microwave Mac n cheese
Little cereal boxes (but then you have to keep up with milk)
We tried to keep fruit around but it wasn’t a delivered item so someone had to go get it, and it was always going bad. People like their packaged snacks! Every time we did a survey of what people would like (which I do recommend doing) they all said fresh fruit, then no one ate it.
pugsnbourbon
If you have a microwave, individual oatmeal packs are good.
Anonymous
Instant oatmeal or barley porridge – unsweetened, with little honey, jam or nutella pots on the side for those who want sugars.
Rice crackers.
Fulfill protein bars.
Little packs of cashew nuts, peanuts, almonds, dried fruit like raisins, cranberries etc – unsalted and unsweetened.
Babybel cheese if there’s a fridge. Utraprocessed cream cheese tubes if not.
Nice selection of tea bags, both actual tea and tisane fruit and spice teas, and hot chocolate. Powdered milk rather than weird creamers.
Carbonated water.
Things to avoid: being overall too carb heavy (whether that’s pure sugars or granola), wheat/gluten heavy or salt heavy. Have condiments and seasonings on the side instead.
Anon
My office has really liked fig bars from Nature’s Bakery.
Anon
Random Q. If you want to do hair, you can go to a vo-tech high school where they teach classes that lead to a beautician license, or you can go to community college, or you can go to beauty school (which seems expenses). The license seems to take a long time to get and require quite a bit of education. Am I right that it doesn’t really matter where you go since the license is the same? Maybe you don’t get hired at a fancy Aveda salon if you don’t go to the Aveda school, but otherwise?
[It is a bit interesting to me that you have to learn how to perm hair which isn’t really a thing anymore (although my grandmother still gets them). Maybe that will make a comeback since Mom jeans have?]
Anon
My friend (early 30s) gets perms. For years I thought she had naturally beachy wavy hair and she recently told me it’s a perm! I had no idea
anon
Disclaimer: I am not a stylist. I think it matters a little bit where you are educated and perhaps even where you are evaluated for your license. I would expect that schools in “trendy” metro areas are perhaps a bit more skilled generally or are more in touch with current trends and that you may have access to more talented stylists for training. This is not to say you can’t find a great stylist anywhere, but I think that because people pay more in metro areas, they expect a higher level of styling capabilities. This is all complete speculation on my part, however!
Jz
I also think places like Aveda would have special methods
Anon
I am not sure how much school matters, but you can definitely make more or less of a career out of hairstyling. I’ve had stylists who spent time in Paris as part of their training and go back for conferences (I would not know how much of this is marketing and how it affects pay scale, but certainly there are stylists who never go to Paris or even NY–whether the ones who did stick together/make more money, I do not know, but I’d guess there’s some return on the investment?).
Anon
It’s probably like getting your JD from Harvard or random podunk barely accredited school in terms. Maybe not that stark, but I don’t think it’s that different from any other professional credential.
Anon
No idea, but I remember getting perms at a vo tech school when I was a kid! I had to lie and say I was 12 because they weren’t allowed to style younger kids. They’ve been out of style for so long that surely they must be coming back at some point.
BeenThatGuy
Believe it or not, perms are a huge trend in my northern NJ town…for high school boys. I wish I was kidding.
Anon
They’re popular with men in Korea too. Watching Squid Games, I saw lots of “body perms” on display.
Anon
I would love this group’s insight/advice. I’ve been seeing this guy for about a year now. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner: conscientious, incredibly caring and kind, gentle and smart. The only thing is that his family lives in India and mine lives in the US. Although he personally wouldn’t want to move back to India, he does feel that there is a possibility that he may have to go back if something were to happen to his parents (obviously). He will also occasionally float the idea of certain career paths that he might pursue 20 years from now in India (we’re 25 FWIW).
I’m having trouble navigating how to have conversations about this. I think it’s important to be on the same page about life paths, but I also feel like I don’t have a clear sense of where I necessarily want to be in 5/10 years, so it feels unfair to expect that of him either. His general response when I’ve tried to float the conversation is “You’re the one, I’m committed to making this work,” which is sweet, but also not particularly concrete. He’s also said that he’d make sacrifices/compromises for whoever he winds up with, and wouldn’t move back to India without consulting them first.
My big concern is that I do really want to build a life with someone, and I worry about getting too invested in a relationship where that ultimately isn’t possible. But I’ve also never met anyone like him and really want to make it work. Do folks have any insights into this kind of situation / how to navigate conversations around it in a meaningful way?
Thank you for any insight you’re able to provide!!!
Anonymous
I think you need to say very clearly “I will never move to India or be ok with you moving there.”
Senior Attorney
If that’s how you feel (which would totally how I’d feel, FWIW), yes. Open your mouth and say that.
Cat
it sounds like he’s telling you what he wants – a future in which he ends up living in India in middle age or older life.
Anon
When you’re 45-50, you most likely don’t have aged parents who need care (but if you did, would he be open to moving home with you if it’s your parents who need care). MORE likely, if you have kids, is that the kids of 45-50 YO people may be young and in school and would he want to uproot them to move to India? Or move his parents here? I think if you put kids in the mix, it is hard to move them somewhere where they may not speak the language and might not have citizenship (ditto for you — could you work in India if you moved there, hypotetically).
Anon
RUN!!!! My best friend is Indian American (born here) and her biggest relationship dealbreaker with Indian guys who were born in India was any hint that they might want to move back to India some day. And he’s not even hinting, he’s straight up telling you that he will move to India if his parents need him. Which they will. End this relationship now if you don’t want to move to India.
AZCPA
From my perspective, I’d want to understand whether the “go to help my parents” is the tip of the iceberg in terms of cultural and family differences. Where do his siblings (if any) live? How long has he lived in the US? Are you the same religion, and how important is religion to him? And what does “have to go back” actually mean – spending a few months, or actually moving?
The careers in India thing would definitely give me pause. While at 25 it’s understandable not to have firm long term plans, if moving across the world is more than a 1% possibility, he needs to be upfront about that. And you need to decide if you are open to moving to India – if he needs it to at least be on the table, that’s information he deserves to have as well.
Woof
I have a friend who married an Indian man. Unbeknownst to her, the tradition in this family/sect is that the groom’s mother lives with the husband much of the time, and the wife takes care of her: meals, laundry, outings, etc. It would be worthwhile to discuss traditions and expectations re: children, family, and parents.
Anon
This. I know lots of people in interracial relationships like this one and they seem very happy but there are also serious cultural barriers. I dated a man who seemed great but little by little the cultural differences stood out and his mother was always going to be his number one priority. If you know you are never willing to live in India or live with or care for his parents, I don’t think this relationship will work long term. My ex said all the right things and didn’t think these issues would be a problem, but he was all talk so proceed with caution. It was a very toxic relationship for me that ultimately caused me to seek out my wonderful therapist. Probably the best thing to come of that relationship!!
Arya
How was that completely unbeknownst to her in her entire time dating this man and presumably getting to know his family? Did they not talk about this? That’s a fairly common practice.
anonymous
I’m Indian, but I’ve lived in the US my whole life. It is common in that culture for parents to live with their kids as they get older and they often help with child care. My parents immigrated to the US in the early 80s. They have had to fly back when my family members have had health issues. But I know my parents would not want to move back their permanently. The lifestyle is too different for them. However my mom is a teacher and before my dad passed he was retired so they would spend a couple of months there in the summer.
I’m not sure if this guy’s attitude would change over the years to where he couldn’t imagine living there again. If he has dual citizenship it would be easier for him to go back.
I understand your concern over this issue, but I agree with the first commenter that you need to be clear with him that moving to India in the future is not an option. I also agree with the comment about potentially having kids and citizenship issues.
You said he’s floating ideas about jobs in India, but I think this requires a more serious conversation.
Anon
My husband is a first-generation immigrant, but his parents live full-time in the US. Our nuclear family is his number one priority, and his parents are truly wonderful. With that said, I know 100% if my FIL passed away and my MIL asked to live with us, he would expect us to make that work if we could. That’s not a deal breaker for me. Candidly, I would expect the same if my mother needed to live with us. I’m very thankful we had those conversations early on.
Anon
Keep in mind that you’re 25 now, but when you’re 45 you may find that you’re a burned-out mid-career professional and the idea of a few years in India might be interesting and enticing. There’s a huge difference between joining a multi-family household where you live with his parents and his brother’s families for you entire married life, and a spending a few years many years from now helping take care of his folks in their last years. It’s good to be on the same page on life paths, as you say, but that doesn’t mean you have to plot out the next 60 years as a binding contract.
Anon
But you’ll also be leaving your own aging parents behind. I’m 36 and cannot imagine moving away from my parents at this point, let alone to a foreign country halfway around the world. They’re 69 and 71 and still mostly healthy and active but they have more health issues and need more help than they did even a couple years ago. And the difference between 70 and 80 is huge. I know they’ll need me a lot more by the time I’m 45.
A
My husband and I are Indian, living abroad but not in the US. From the start, I was clear on…
I’m never living in X ( his hometown)
Never moving to the US
Now, I’m equally clear…never moving back to India.
Use your words. You sound like an articulate woman.
Anon
I just got my wedding photos back and will not be able to get any work done for the rest of the day. That is all. :)
Senior Attorney
SQUEEE!! Enjoy!!
amberwitch
How lovely! This is giving me second hand joy:-)
More Sleep Would Be Nice
DH’s family is coming in next week for Christmas. We realized that MIL is a toxic, unhappy, depressed person that plays the martyr game. She shows her love through presents and “checking the box” on things, and essentially struggles that DH is married and has his own life. SIL and fam are great, but DH doesn’t see them often/they keep their distance (we now realize this is likely because of MIL). The end result is a mostly performative “family time” experience, which I accept but is also a little challenging and grating for me. My goal is to be supportive for DH as needed but I’m also trying to be better about boundaries.
Any thoughts on how to manage boundaries with in-law visits? DH and I are on the same page, I do plan to head to bed early to read/watch/decompress when the hang outs go into the night, keep my exercise schedule (at-home workouts mostly), I have 1-2 meet ups with friends planned outside of the house, and I generally plan to offer to stay back with our kids if/when any outings occur that I don’t want to join. Any other tips?
Anon
I think you kind of just have to suck it up on the performative family time part and put boundaries on how long you’re there.
Cat
limit the length of stay and have plenty of indoor things to do that aren’t “sit around the living room and stare at each other”
Board games, puzzles, movies…