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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Stripe Textured-Stitch Sweater

A woman wearing a striped sweater and a jean skirt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

In the most confusing week of the year (what day is it? why did I eat cookies for breakfast?), we’re looking for comfy, cheerful clothing, and this striped sweater from Loft fits the bill perfectly.

Pair it with black trousers for a cozy, business casual look, or add some dark denim if your office is skewing extra casual this week.

The sweater is on sale for $52.46 at Loft and comes in sizes regular XXS–XXL and petite sizes XXS–XXL.

Sales of note for 12.5

152 Comments

  1. I have a very loud walk. I don’t know how I walk differently than other people, but it is loud. The office recently Re-floored from carpet and I would like to purchase shoes that have a softer heel/less sound. I do not have a cobbler anywhere nearby. What materials should I be looking for? Searching “Soft heel” is bringing me things like uggs, but I need a slightly dressier style, more like loafers, kitten heels – closed toe, non sneaker, can be worn with black pants, at least 3/4” lift/heel.

    1. A cobbler can add rubber soles to dress shoes. That will quiet your steps unless you are stomping. And make it less slippery in the rain.

    2. There are a number of non-slip stick-on pads that will also help quiet your existing shoes. Maybe try those first.
      Crepe soles are probably the quietest sole type, but they aren’t really a dressy material. There are a few crepe soled loafers out there.

    3. You can ship things to a cobbler and they will ship them back to you. Might be a good solution if you don’t have a cobbler near you!

      1. Any recommendation? I live in a rural area in the Midwest, I’m 200+ miles from any large city.

        1. Check out the Goodyear Welt subreddit, r/goodyearwelt for recommendations. I haven’t used any of them, but a number of names tend to come up repeatedly.

    4. How loudly you walk also has to do with the flexibility of the sole of your shoe, which allows you to gracefully roll your weight from heel to toe rather than just clomp along. People who walk quietly are better at this than loud walkers, but everyone will walk more quietly in a sneaker or flexible soled loafer than in a high heel or a stiff boot. But I bet you can also practice this and learn to walk somewhat more quietly if you want to.

    5. Are you all right with a court shoe? German Gabor has some soft soled heels, like the Brambling model. Lug soled loafers are probably easier to find in softer soles than regular loafers, look at Clarks.

      For your existing kitten heels – could be worth trying the little high heel protector thingys, small heel caps. They are small rubber things to go on the heel, there are some for grass, and there are also some for noise.

    6. I’ve noticed that I creep around silently in my Naturalizer lug sole loafers. Have take up throat clearing so as not to literally creep.

  2. Hey folk, a request for good vibes and a few tips. I have found a concerning lump in my breast and just had a CT scan yesterday. I’m a nervous wreck as I wait for results and I’m of course hoping for positive outcomes. Does anyone here have experience with this scenario? Any tips for keeping my sanity as I wait for my results?

    1. Hi — first, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I JUST went through the exact same thing & everything is fine. Most of the time, it’s benign. Still, it’s great you’re getting it all checked on. You’ll be able to handle what comes up. It’s going to be okay.

      As for sanity, keep yourself busy & off google. For me that meant exercising without my phone, getting enough sleep, and throwing myself into a complicated work project that took up my focus.

      Good luck, and please update.

      1. Thanks for sharing your positive experience; it means a lot. I’ve been trying to stay busy, but sometimes I fall into negative thinking. Exercise or some other physical activity sounds like a fantastic idea!

      2. Wasn’t a lump, but have been through the medical wait and fully endorse no google. Exercise! Fun or diverting tv! Cool/bake something complicated!

        No matter what comes, you can handle it!

    2. Sending you good vibes! Hopefully all will be fine & whatever it is, this is why early detection, self exams, and all of that is so important. I agree to stay away from google but just remind yourself that even if it’s something, the prognosis is excellent if things aren’t left to linger. You’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to for that to be the case for you.

    3. I’m sorry you have to struggle with this. Women just have so much of this to deal with health wise…. It helped me to confide in someone – a friend or family member who could help me stress and reassure me.

      I’ve had this happen a few times, and will likely have it most years ongoing. I have dense breasts with a lot of ?calcium or something that makes them worry every time I get a mammogram and take a lot of extra pictures which is just lovely…. I can’t imagine there is a more uncomfortable test they could design for women, amiright? I also had a breast biopsy this year under MRI which was not great. But “all ok” in the end. It is a wild mood swing when they tell you “20-50% cancer” likelihood to… “all ok! Cancer free!”. I think I might have given myself an extra small cancer or two just from the stress.

      The down sides of all of this “improved medical technology” that has higher sensitivity is that we pick up way too many small things that are actually just fuzz/junk/nothing…. “false positives” we call them.

      I recommend staying busy, letting yourself stress for small increments of time, watch bad tv, call your friends/family (TALK to someone… not just text) if you find yourself spiraling, get outside, exercise, watch something that makes you laugh.

      And if they find something, it is likely very small so they can take it out and cure you, so even the worst scenario might be pretty lucky and ok in the end.

      It is going to be ok.

    4. Another one with dense, fibrous breasts prone to benevolent cysts here.

      It is very tense to wait for answers. It’s very possibly possible that your lump is very much benign. If it should be a bad one, it is a very good thing that you found it and acted straight away. You have done the right thing, and you have given yourself the best way to handle this.

    1. I was just thinking the exact same thing. I was pregnant in 2002 and was wearing that outfit during the first trimester,lol.

    4. I’m inclined to order it! I could use something cheerful like this in my closet right now.

    5. As a younger reader on this board (28), I’m very excited about the return to 00s fashion; I have a few much older (15-25 year gap) female cousins who I ADORED as a kid and wanted to be like them when I grew up. I thought they were the coolest and I wanted to emulate them, so I’ve always had a soft spot for their 00s fashion (aka a lot of clothes like this – they wore a lot of Gap). Now that I’m grown up (aka about the age they were when they wore these clothes) I enjoy that these fashions have come back around.

      All of my close in age cousins are men, and I’m close with them too, but as a kid I really looked up to the “big girls”.

      1. Off topic, but it’s heartening to me that you were close to your cousins despite the large age gap! My daughter will be 10 when her only (so far) first cousin is born. She’s over the moon about finally having a cousin, and I really hope they’ll be able to have a special relationship even though they won’t play together the way similar age cousins do.

        1. The cousin closest in age to me is 15 years younger. She moved to my city for college and then stayed. We started becoming friends when she was about 22, and I’m so happy she’s part of my life. We live near each other, we go for walks and get coffee, our husbands get along, etc. she is like my other adult friends.
          It is weird when I think that I remember all of her kid milestones and she only knows me as an adult.

    6. Yeah I’m high school class of ’03 and this looks exactly like a top I wore constantly my senior year.

  4. IDK if any of you saw the Slim Aarons skiing photo article in the DM earlier last week but OMG — I love the look of vintage ski clothes, ski places, ski people. Also, so many Volkswagen Beetles used on snowy mountain roads — IIRC they were rear-wheel drive cars with the engine over them (so a “frunk” for storage, like Porsche and Tesla). But it did make me sharpen up my outfit yesterday: real shoes, real pants, nice sweater.

    1. Nothing like the sound of a VW Beetle engine. My husband’s hobby is fixing up old cars and we’ve had a succession of them. So fun. What great little cars that go forever.

      His current project/work of art is a VW Vanagon Subaru conversion – meaning he also bought an old Subaru and frankensteined the engine into the VE bus. It’s a thing – people call them Busarus.

      1. A VW Beetle was the car that all the teenagers in my ‘hood from the early 80’s to the mid 90’s learned to drive on. It belonged to a parent who had several kids spread out over a pretty long time. I was close in age to their youngest and it was probably more rust than metal by the time it got to be my turn but I just remember the fun of riding and later driving in it.

      3. Back in the day I had a friend who had a VW Beetle with a vanity plate that said MY VDUB. I thought that was the coolest thing ever.

  5. When I hit 40, I tried to buy better clothes, sort of like more Boss or Theory. I had the $, I had been promoted at work, we wore work attire at work. Then, stuff happened: perimenopause, no time in the day for the gym, chronic moderate-level illness (so well enough to do all daily life activities, sick enough to be exhausted at 6 each day and then have a terrible night sleeping 50% of the time). Now I have a closet of 3 sizes of clothes and it’s my cheapness that keeps it that way — I could donate AT Loft stuff easily or just trash it because a polyester suit gets shiny if ironed or sent to the cleaners enough. Not so with more quality items (some of which include lined wool pants, which you can barely find these days). And it’s not like Goodwill wants workwear, so rather than trash it, I just keep it. But, really, someone either talk me into at least putting it into bins and just keeping out what fits, or talk me into a full-on purge. The one thought I had for keeping it is that the health issue may finally be getting resolved with a recent surgery and a new doctor who has made some big strides over the past year, so maybe next year is a better time to be deciding things. But ugh, I am a bit gunshy by the time I up-sized a second time and just bought items off of eBay and Posh in the brands I had, just up another size.

    1. This week: put everything that doesn’t fit into bins. Sort into categories: that which you love and is reasonably current, and that which fails at least one of the previous criteria.

      Six months from now: honest reassessment and then put everything up on Poshmark.

      1. Yes this. Op go get a few bins and put the clothing that makes you feel guilty in them. Then reconsider in a set time frame. At least you’ll have a plan.

    2. I would donate the AT Loft pieces that are still in good shape to a local Dress For Success-type organization. You can hang on to a few of the better quality clothes for another year and see if they fit after your health issue is resolved. Toss everything that is in rough shape, like the shiny polyester suits.

      1. I feel like unless you are a 10 or other, most orgs have more things than they need.

      2. I donated clothing to a local college that maintains a business casual closet for students who can’t afford interview clothing. They were very excited to have it.

    3. Where did you get the idea that Goodwill doesn’t want good quality workwear? That’s where most of my good work stuff comes/came from!

      1. This! I bought all my interview and conference clothing at a Goodwill in a “nice” neighorhood.

        It’s time to purge! I found out my city actually will schedule pick ups for clothing recycling. Makes it so easy.

        If your city doesn’t do pick up, literally just pick the closest Goodwill and get it done. Have a friend as an accountability partner. The money you spent is gone. Just get rid of it, for free, and enjoy the extra closet space.

    4. You have had a tiring time of it. Don’t add stress to your day by keeping clothes that don’t fit in your everyday closet.

      Remove everything that doesn’t fit right now, for the body you have right now, from your closet. It’s so, so much easier to get dressed when you don’t get bogged down by all these feelings looking into your closet.

      What’s your storage situation, how much space do you have available and want to allocate to clothes that do not fit? Let’s say you have room to put three good-sized plastic bins somewhere. Preferably somewhere out of sight, don’t make a tower of bins of guilt.

      1) Fill your first bin (or whatever space you dedicated) with the clothes that are your favorites. This is a bin for clothes you would have worn tomorrow and been thrilled to wear, that you miss from your closet. Clothes it would make you happy to hang back in your closet, and maybe the items you’ve sourced second sizes for because they serve you so well. Favorites.

      2) Fill your second bin (or whatever space you dedicated) with the clothes that a very high quality, but not necessarily favorites. Things you could take or leave if you saw them again, but where the quality is something you can’t replicate.

      3) Do you even need that third bin (or more space)? Maybe you’ve already seen stuff while doing this that you know that you would never purchase again, that you wouldn’t be excited to wear again, that you haven’t missed. Donate now, if you’re up for it, or put it in this third bin of procrastination. Trash/recycle anything that’s not even fit to donate.

      Put the bins away and make sure that your closet only has items you can actually wear for your body right now. Maybe you’ve identified some gaps that you can look for on eBay and Poshmark throughout the year, maybe you have all the clothes you need for the next year.

      If you get overwhelmed by projects like these, do it item by item. Start with culling the easy donate/trash items, you’ve already identified a lot of these. Then do the bins, one item at a time.

      1. I’m not the OP but I appreciate the way you’ve framed this with the three (two) bins. I also have several sizes of clothes in my closet, some of which I absolutely love and would wear in a heartbeat if I were that size again. But it’s also sad every time I look in my closet and see these clothes that don’t fit. I’m hopeful that a recent medication change and diet shift will have me fitting into some of them within a few months. You may have just given me my next weekend project!

    5. Put your high-quality clothes that you like in a bin out of your way. If your body changes to a smaller size for whatever reason, you can revisit. If you didn’t actually like some of the pieces that much when they fit, sell on Poshmark.

      My rule is that I never get rid of a suit because I am a lawyer who goes to court. I got fit during the past two years, and I am wearing suits that have not fit for many years. My 10-year old suits are better made that what I can buy at the same stores now, so I am glad I kept them!

      1. I’d add to this, if you never liked the piece when you bought it and it fit, let it go. Basically, everything you bought on clearance that was a “eh, that’ll do” rather than a “happy, omg, this is a gem on sale.” That’s how I deal with stuff.

    6. My weight has bounced up and down due to health issues and drug side effects and I’ve been very glad that I’ve held onto clothes that I liked. I’m short, apple shaped, and busty (at my thinnest, I was a 12 on top and 4 on the bottom), so it’s always been extremely challenging to find clothes that fit. I just put the ones that don’t fit right now into bins and come back to them as needed. I tend toward very classic or sporty/outdoorsy styles, though, so it’s less likely to look out of date than more trendy things. I do get rid of things that are worn out, I don’t like, don’t seem like they’ll ever fit correctly, etc.

    8. I keep 3 sizes for similar reasons. I put the pieces that don’t currently fit in those flat tubs under the bed. I am glad I did, I just got back down to my lowest size after resolving a lingering health issue and being able to exercise more.

    9. Do a bin but give yourself longer than 6 months. I did this when I had a health issue and was working a WfH job with long hours that kept me from being active enough. I saved my highest-quality work dresses. Health issue is slowly getting resolved, I’m down 35 lbs and counting, and new job has me speaking at conferences every six weeks or so–I am so thankful I saved what I did as two sizes have gotten a ton of use again and there’s still one more size down available to me. I only say this because you know you and your circumstances best. I do routine closet purges, but I also recognized some situations were more likely temporary for me and certain items (like really expensive coats or suiting I still absolutely loved) were worth the risk of holding onto a little longer since trying to replace them was going to be a challenge. Did I save every dress–no. But I saved enough for a reasonable rotation.

    10. I have started keeping a supermarket bag near the house door. Whenever I take something from a closet, drawer, etc . to wear but then think “No, that xxxxx does nothing for me” and start to put the item back, it goes instead into the bag. When the bag is full I go to Reuse, Recyle store, thrift shop, whatever, to leave the items. Then back home I put the now empty bag back near the front door and start again. I also put into the same bag small household items that I never use (like the scale to weigh letters. When did I last use that?). For me this system has three advantages. 1. I don’t have to allot a period of time to go through my whole wardrobe. The decision is made one item at a time. 2. The small quantity does not overwhelm me or space. 3. Until I leave the house there is still time to rethink getting rid of an item.

    11. Have you never been inside a second hand store before? Genuinely curious as to why you think they don’t want workwear, because they do, and myself and many other people buy it from them.

  6. Japan recs please! Have a total of 10 days in the country, 2-3 in Tokyo. Struggling to fit in the best in the few remaining days. Would really love some ideas/ experiences on what’s best and how to prioritize. Foodie DINK who travel a lot. Pre-spring to early spring trip. TIA!

    1. Visit Kyoto and stay in a riokan for the service, the fancy meals brought to your room and the spa.

    2. It depends what interests you: history? nature? etc. But regardless of that, it would be a shame to go to Japan and not go to Kyoto, which really is the cultural capital. Easy train ride from Tokyo and so much to see there. And Kyoto is near other worthwhile places like Osaka (kabuki theatre), Kobe, Himeji (prototypical samurai castle).

    3. Agree with everyone else to do Kyoto. I’ve been to Tokyo but nowhere else in Japan and Kyoto would be top of my list for a return trip.

    5. Tokyo recs:
      TeamLab (immersive art, really neat and different)
      Tokyo National Museum

      Japan Specific Recs, but flexible on location:
      Baseball game
      Kabuki Theater

      1000% go to Kyoto
      Was meh about Osaka

    6. Go to Kamakura for the sitting Buddha and the temple to Kannon. Bonus is that you will likely pass through the train station where they filmed the “Intergalactic” video for the Beastie Boys.

    7. Look at Hakone, staying at the Fuji hotel. Also, as a foodie, go to both Osaka and Fukuoka to sample the two types of okonomiyaki. From Fukuoka, you can visit Hiroshima, which is worth a day trip.

      In Tokyo, visit the Sensoji temple, including the shopping street (Nakamise) leading up to it — excellent Japanese handicrafts are sold here, and some stores have been operating for over a century! If you are adventurous, try a sento (public bath house) and/or an onsen (public hot springs bath house). Have fun!

  7. An older relative gave me two Harris Tweed jackets, one of which has a matching material A-line skirt. They are the real deal and the workmanship on them is incredible. Am I right in thinking that these aren’t classic work pieces, but the sort of things you would have worn to weekends in people’s country houses (if this were England)? But in the US in 2023, how do I wear them? Like with a turtleneck and jeans for the jackets? Or sweater with the skirt (breaking up the suit)? My office is casual and I go there every day and I’m tired of looking a bit sad in my post-pandemic soft clothes all the time (will keep for late nights though).

    2. I would wear those everywhere and with everything because Harris Tweed is that awesome.

    4. Yes, I have a couple similar separates and that’s how I wear them. Camel or black sweater – crewneck or turtleneck – with the skirt; black turtleneck with black slim pants for the jacket (though jeans would also be great).

    5. Yes, these are casual country clothes, or academic style classics. Your ideas are bang on, and do break up the suit.

      Look for vintage Ralph Lauren images for inspiration for styling. American preppy looks can be sort of a riff on the English gentry country style.

      1. The late queen would have worn the marching skirt suit look with a big silk headscarf and rain boots.

    6. I would definitely wear them to a big law office, but not as a complete suit. I’d pair it with black skirt/pants.

    7. So much in this post makes me happy: an older relative who held onto classics and is happily passing them along to a subsequent generation; a recipient who is happy to receive and wear them; clothing made with such quality that they can be worn decades later.
      That is all.

  8. I boght a JCrew 100% silk blouse on Poshmark without realizing it was dry clean only. It’s in great shape and doesn’t seem in need of major cleaning but I do want to wash it before wearing it. Has anyone successfully washed JCrew silk in the washing machine?

    2. Not J Crew specifically, but I do wash other silk things in the washing machine-delicate, cold, hang dry, steam out wrinkles. The stuff I really like I’ll hand wash instead of putting it in the machine. It’s not going to look as crisp as a dry cleaner, but so far I don’t seem to have completely ruined anything.

    3. I use Dryel for dry clean only clothes and it works great. It dry cleans the clothes in your dryer.

    4. I have not had any silk from JCrew, but I regularly wash other silk blouses in the washing machine.

      I have a European front-loader with a silk program, and I put the item in a lingerie bag and do a single item load, with wool and silk washing detergent. I hang them to dry, and steam them.

      I really don’t care that the label says dry clean only. I don’t have a life style where regular dry cleaning is part of what I’m willing to do for laundry, both in terms of cost and convenience. I wash these kinds of items and accept that I might ruin them – if I do ruin them, they were not worthy of being in my wardrobe, and would not suit me.

      Silk does get a little crisper to the feel, and will get worn quicker – but that’s in both sense of the word, I would never dry clean something often enough to be able to wear it to pieces.

    5. I wash JCrew silk in the washing machine regularly. I use a mesh bag to protect the fabric from getting caught or stretched, then hang dry on a soft hanger.

  9. Where are you traveling to in 2024? I really want to take my family of 4 on an international trip this year. The kids are finally at an age where they are great travelers (6 and 9). Bc of covid and other factors, we have never been out of the country. The trouble is, I cant figure out where to go. India? Greece? Japan? Costa Rica? I want to go everywhere!
    We have a week off in April for spring break and can maybe take an extra week off to visit India bc 1 week would be too short of a trip. Thats an important trip for me bc my parents are Indian immigrants and I want to show our kids their culture/history, but its also not a relaxing trip. We also have all summer off, 4-5 days in Nov and 10 days off in Dec.

    1. We went to Greece last summer and it was fabulous, and I think it would be great with kids. Wonderful food, beautiful beaches, lots of interesting history and beautiful art. We did a few days in Athens, then the islands of Naxos (LOVED) and Santorini (notsomuch — too crowded). Also it’s quite reasonably priced. Another idea is to do the island of Crete, which we visited a few years ago and also loved, along with a few days in Athens.

      1. As a counterpoint I loved Santorini. :) Yes it’s crowded but there’s nowhere like it in the world – it’s just stunning. You can also minimize crowds by going off season… the Greek Isles usually open up after Greek Orthodox Easter in April and I think that could be a great time to go.

    2. Yes, those are great ages for travel! We’re taking my 6 year old to Turks and Caicos (the Beaches all-inclusive resort) for spring break and on a two week trip to Turkey (Istanbul, Cappadocia and a beach resort near Antalya) for our big summer vacation. I’ll take her somewhere in the US (maybe San Diego?) for fall break.

      Europe is a great first international trip w/kids that feels more exciting than North America and the Caribbean but is still pretty familiar and less culture shock than Japan and certainly India. I haven’t been to Greece with kids personally, although I think it would be a lot of fun. We’ve taken our daughter to Italy, Spain, Portugal, France and Germany, and all were great. My favorite time to go to Europe is right after school lets out in May (that’s when we’re going to Turkey), but we also like doing southern Europe for spring break (our spring break is in early March… since yours is in April you’ll have more options for nice weather).

      1. I would also do Costa Rica or somewhere in Europe as a first international trip with kids those ages vs. Japan or India.

        1. Agree! I’ve been to Costa Rica twice without kids but it’s on my list to take ours (currently 14, 11, and 8) there for sure. We’re going to Belize for spring break — have never been but it’s also on the list. We’ve taken our kids to Arizona, Florida, DC, NYC, Maine, London, Mexico, and Hawaii and it’s all been great. For your time period of travel and kids’ ages I HIGHLY recommend Moab, Utah. We did spring break there two years ago and the weather was perfect, plus Utah is very family-welcoming.

    3. Depending on the region, I would think very hard about going to India in April. I did, like 15 years ago, and parts of the trip were unbearably hot and air quality was terrible. It has only gotten worse since then. Especially with little ones, I would try to avoid that scenario.

    4. are your kids experienced domestic travelers? Just thinking about degree of difficulty for a First Big Trip, Japan and India are a whole other realm compared to western Europe, Central America, even South America since you’re not dealing with a massive time change.

      1. Generally I agree with this, although I do think it’s different when one parent is from the country and has family there, vs just going for vacation. I have multiple friends whose kids’ first international trips were to Asia (from the eastern US), because that’s where their extended family was, and it was fine. I would not do Japan though, since OP has no special connection there.

    5. Friends of mine with kids that age have enjoyed Costa Rica, Hawaii and Puerto Rico. I loved Greece but I’m not sure that kids of those ages would enjoy it other than the water/beach…which you can get closer to home. My kids are younger (5 & 3) and we’ve taken them out of the country every year but only to all-inclusive resorts and Caribbean cruises. Maybe consider a European cruise on a kid-friendly cruise line?

      1. Eh, 6 and 9 is quite different than 5 and 3. And even if the kids don’t get anything out of it they wouldn’t get from the Caribbean, if the parents would enjoy going to Greece more, there’s no reason not to go. We go to Europe with kids every year (except Covid) and enjoy it a lot, and it’s a very different experience than a Caribbean beach resort.

    7. India would be fabulous but April would be way too hot already. You’re better off visiting between Nov-Mar.

      I’m Indian also and don’t live in India. Taking the family for a week to Delhi and Agra to do the sights and then maybe 1/2 weeks in the UK in summer.

      1. omg, A! That’s the trip I would like to do with my kids – im the OP. Could you please share details like when you’re planning to go and are you using a guided tour or have family in the area to help get you around? The logistics of an India trip seem overwhelming for me. Thank you!

    9. Don’t have kids (currently pregnant) but I’ve been to Costa Rica three times and think it would be a perfect international vacation with kids! There’s not a significant time change, they can experience a different culture without it being wildly out of their comfort zone, it’s a fairly easy country to navigate, and there is SO much to do with kids especially if they like animals. I would probably split your time between a beach town in Guanacaste and Arenal. You can spend hours at the beach, do a chocolate-making tour (recommended this to a coworker who did it with his 7-year-old twins and they raved about it), and in Arenal there are a ton of different options to see wildlife.

      1. yeah, I’ve heard nothing but good things about Costa Rica for this age group. We deliberately avoided going during the toddler/preschool years, because I’ve heard so much about how amazing it is for elementary age kids. My kid is 6 now and we plan to go in the next couple of years.

    10. Taiwan in July. Yes, it will be unbearably hot, but it’s kind of the only extended window we have this year between everyone’s schedule and my grandfather is 96 years old so we want to go as soon as possible.

    11. Child of Indian immigrants here and want to remind you to look into school absence policies if your kids will be missing any school days to go to India. There used to be exceptions for cultural/religious/family reunion type reasons when I was in school where you could miss a week or two of school if you could justify the cultural or religious heritage experience and coordinated with teachers to take homework with you. For example, I remember making a presentation to my classmates about the religious heritage sites we visited and writing a reflection paper about my experience. However, I have heard from friends who wish to repeat that experience for their kids that schools have gotten increasingly strict about absences like this.

      1. Yes schools are stricter about absences than they were when we were kids, but missing one week per year (what OP is describing) isn’t normally a problem.

      2. When my eldest was in elementary school (youngest was still in preschool), we missed a week for a trip and did a “homework contract” where she had to do a little packet of work so she could keep up with the curriculum and the school didn’t miss out on that week of funding (it also cemented my decision not to do homeschooling).

        It worked out fine, but we’re in a school district where plenty of kids will just miss a week or two for similar reasons with zero advance notice so I think the teacher was just happy I asked.

        Related: I did get a truancy notice over COVID because my kid wasn’t logging in, but it was at a particularly low point in 2021 so I just swore a lot, tossed it, and never heard anything again.

        1. In our school district, you get 18 discretionary absences per year. Religious holidays, bereavement and illnesses with a doctor’s note don’t count towards this limit, although I think there is a cap on both religious holidays and bereavement (e.g., you get one day for the death of a grandparent, so if they lived far away, you’d probably need to use additional days to attend the funeral). I know quite a few parents who treat the 18 days like PTO and make sure they use up every single day. I think that’s kind of silly, but I have no problem pulling elementary age kids out for up to a week for a trip that is educational or family-related and hard to work into the standard school breaks. I would definitely put a trip to see family in India in that category.

    12. We went to London when my kids were around that age, and it was a pretty perfect for a first-time-out-of-the-country trip. I had one extremely agreeable 9yo and one “spirited” 6yo. It was easy to get around and very easy to find kid-friendly food (the 6yo has branched out since then but was a chicken tenders w/ fries kind of kid).

    13. My kids are 9 and we’ve been lucky enough to travel with them a good amount (apart from COVID years)
      We are doing Costa Rica in March. You can pick one spot for a week, or do a longer 2 week break in Summer. But it does work well for the 1-wk Spring breaks due to season and proximity.
      We did Japan last summer on a long layover and it was oppressively hot. I do want to go again to see more than Tokyo but will avoid summer in the future which makes it harder given school calendars. But they adjusted pretty well to Asia time zones and did fine on the flights.
      I did Crete when they were smaller, but I’d probably suggest saving for a bit longer as your youngest won’t be quite into mythology/history and as others have noted, there are closer beaches. Again, I do hope to visit other parts of Greece in the next few yrs.
      Iceland was another great trip around this age. Most of the big cities in Europe I’ll save up til they are older and will actually appreciate (they don’t enjoy treking around cities and spending hours in museums so I’ve been prioritizing nature/animal centric trips).
      There’s also a lot in the US to explore!

      1. Yeah, we avoided the big, super popular Euro cities with little kids, and our least favorite trip with kids under 8 was Paris. It’s definitely doable if that’s where you really want to go, but we found small cities and the countryside to be generally more enjoyable. Less pressure to do “sights” and more ability to just relax, swim (if weather permits) and eat. If you do want to do Paris/Rome/Madrid/Berlin, you might choose one you’ve been to before so you don’t feel like you’re missing out if you don’t get to everything.

    14. I was going to suggest Thailand, but not in April — it would be HOT! Japan could be a hot mess during Golden week (which falls at the end of April/beginning of May). Taiwan in April could be fantastic — interesting food, excellent museums, hip neighborhoods, Alishan railroad.

        1. April is the hottest month — May is slightly cooler, if you can believe it. Basically, Thailand is like standing behind a hot bus all day, even the breezes blow HOT.

  10. Goody-two-shoes confession here. I am an employment attorney in her early 40s. I have never done/smoked pot or any other drug. I take Tylenol, that’s about it. I find in my practice area, I need to develop a better understanding about marijuana and CBD and other similar substances. I honestly would love a 6 hour CLE where the first third is “pot 101” that teaches me terms, what is smoked vs chewed vs whatever, the second third is “pot and the law” explaining stuff about criminal laws, and the last third is more employment related. I’m guessing this is a unicorn. Does anyone have a “pot 101” resource? I really don’t want to get inundated by CBD ads or watch several slanted documentaries. Wikipedia is failing me.

    1. There is a huge and growing industry of cannabis law and lobbying. I know there are CLEs on PLI about it and tons of client alerts. Try googling cannabis CLE or cannabis client alert (instead of marijuana).

    2. No specific recs, but check PLI and the ABA CLEs; there are a ton of cannabis ones since it’s such a hot topic. I went to ABA’s cannabis section 2 day program sometime pre-Covid and it covered most of those topics, so you could probably find individual sessions to watch.

    3. I learned a lot from going to a real estate leasing CLE where an in-house attorney for a landlord of a light manufacturing center went on at length about issues with a state-licit business that is federally illegal. Shared HVAC. Payment is often in cash. Loitering and trash. Other tenant employees fear being robbed b/c people thing that pot shops are cash businesses (true, but can be banked at state-chartered banks). Payment systems. I think employment stuff may exist on PLI, but it was very eye-opening for how complex a business it is.

      Some stuff is legal in my current state, but my husband’s company is in many states, including ones where it is fully legal under state law. They drug test everyone (there are some safety issues if they don’t — they aren’t airplane mechanics or air-traffic controllers, but you can see why that is an issue in some fields regardless of legal status; impairment is impairment).

    5. I work as an in-house attorney for a state-licensed cannabis company. If it is legal in your state, you should just go to a retail cannabis store and ask the “budtender” (that is the job title) to take you through it. Just say you have never consumed any cannabis before and don’t know where to start, but you are curious. That will teach you the beginning terms. Then, you should start by reading the statutes of whatever state you are in. Then you can look for CLE opportunities.

      1. yes, i was going to say this — every budtender i’ve ever met is extremely patient and cool with newbies.

        quick crash course:
        edibles – usually gummies, sometimes honey, chocolate, canned/bottled drinks, or baked goods
        tinctures – a type of edible – a liquid version that you can put under your tongue or into drinks with a dropper
        flower – the dried plant stuff that you can put in a bong, joint, vape, etc (i think you could bake with it but there might be an extra step before you can)
        concentrate – i’m not too sure bc i thought these were dangerous – i think it’s associated with dabbing.

        THC – the illegal part of marijuana, but many products are a mixture of THC/CBD

        1. oh and because it might make a difference in the employment context – edibles take 45-120 minutes to kick in but can last for 4-8 hours. i’m not sure when they would show up in any kind of test, though.

    6. I took a course at the NYSBA that dealt with this. You should call them. It is now on streaming I think. I also wanted to wish Kat, Kate and Elizabeth a very happy holiday and New Year, as well as Kwanzaa, since we are all off this week to celebrate.

      I also think that Kat needs to get people to use their real name and email, because honestly, I can’t tell who is saying what any more. I always used my real name here because it has value to me, both in Social Media as well as in the NY Bar, where I remain in good standing even as I passed 40 years old a couple of years ago. Believe it or not, I am thinking of early retirement b/c I want to see the USA in an RV, which I never knew about before, but am awaiting buying one like Clarence Thomas has, tho there was some kind of issue with him getting the payments forgiven? If that’s true, Kat, what up with that?

  11. My spouse has a chronic health condition that developed a few years ago. It is well-managed, and he is doing when he can’t take care of himself. But the reality is that it significantly limits his energy – there are days he hast to spend much of the day in bed and isn’t able to help with our little kids, and he has gone down to working part time which obviously impacts our finances though overall, we are doing well.
    This is not a new challenge and it’s one that is not going to go away, but I still find myself feeling frustrated — and not just at the situation but at him. I have done a lot of work and therapy and processing and have recently realized it feels almost like a grief of the life I expected that I am still running into.
    I want some kind of ritual or something to really let this go and move forward, excepting him and our reality. Taking any suggestions from people who’ve been there done that in similar circumstances, or other advice on processing and coping.

    1. I am going through the same thing from your husband’s side. Chronic condition that was well managed pre-COVID and did not prevent us from traveling or doing anything else. Condition makes COVID a severe risk for me, so we have not traveled since March 2020 and have greatly restricted our social events at home, too, even now. A family member in our home country is getting married in 2024, and I have a lot of conflicting emotions about it: if I go and get COVID, what will happen to my health? If I don’t go, will I regret it? If I don’t go, what use am I to DH? It is a big soup of concerns.

    2. I’ve had different long-term circumstances, and what I’ve found is that the grieving and letting go happens in layers, and changes shapes. And that’s fine. Each different life stage brings a different experience of the loss, and a different reality that needs to be grieved and then accepted. It’s not a once-for-all thing.

      My only suggestion would be to recognize that frustration is a form of anger. It’s possible that you have some daily, normal, frustration at him for not being available–frustration you’ll probably experience in different ways, for years. You might also want to do a check to see if there’s a layer of anger underneath that normal frustration — anger at the circumstance, at the loss, at the reality that won’t budge.

        1. I’m a different poster, but I have been in your scenario, and struggled with anger/sadness/resentment/jealousy…. all of it. And honestly, none of your friends probably understand and give you the support you need.

          You are a caregiver, although you may not think of yourself that way. It is a very thankless, stressful job/role, and not ever what you expect when you are young/married with a family and see no end in sight. You have to change your whole vision and expectation of what your life will be. It takes time, and you will adapt if you love your spouse.

          Most women stay and support their spouses in these scenarios, but sadly, many/most women with similar chronic illness are abandoned by their spouses. It is what it is.

          What helped me the most was talking to other people who are in similar positions. They can be very difficult to find…. especially when you are young. There are often cancer support groups for spouses/caregivers at local, and dementia support groups for family of the elderly (Alzheimer’s association supported) and family support groups for those with mental illness (NAMI). Sometimes, depending upon your husband’s chronic illness, there can be local support groups for that illness/caregivers. Or sometimes you just look for a local support group for “caregivers”. They also exist online.

          At one point I had an acquaintance that became a friend because she was in a similar situation. Sometimes we would just meet for coffee to vent. It was great.

          I also sometimes posted on a Caregiver discussion group on City-Data with questions or just to vent. But that group trends towards much older folks. They can be really supportive though.

          The best was an in person support group, but also hard to find, and was mostly older folks with much older spouses.

          The anger…… sometimes I just let myself cry. I had to be so careful not to take it out on my loved one, and sometimes I wasn’t perfect. And that’s ok. I also eventually asked for help from the few friends/family who were understanding. Think about who those people are in your life. Think about small and big ways you can ask them for help. Even asking someone to sit with your kids for 2-3 hrs once a month so you can go have a relaxing lunch/outing/whatever just you alone with no responsibilities is important. You have to have breaks… small escapes… things to look forward to.

          Therapy is sometimes useful. It is a huge loss.

          I was also very aggressive in making sure my loved one was maximizing what they could do. That meant physical therapy every year, ongoing exercise as directed by physicians/PT, mental health optimization (happy lights, therapy, meds etc… as needed), and healthy lifestyle behaviors. And they really have to do as much of their own self care as possible. No excuses.

    3. This will be a biased recommendation, but you might look into the Well Spouse Association, which is full of members, young and old that are dealing with these challenges daily.

    4. There is some beautiful and insightful writing on the blog Passage des Perles, if you search the blog using the term “uneven aging”.

    5. Unfortunately there isn’t a quick fix for achieving “closure” and magically accepting your new life. A decade in, I’m still grieving the loss of the person I knew and the life we had planned. The thing that’s helped me most has been carving out little ways to do some of the things I wanted to do with just the kids, and getting my spouse on board with the idea that it’s OK for the rest of us to go have fun even if he can’t or won’t participate and enjoy it. I may never get to take a ski vacation, but being able to take the kids to the local ski hill for the day is at least something. When we go on vacation and he just wants to sit in the hotel room and watch TV, the rest of us don’t need to sit there with him and will go hike or kayak or surf. If at all possible, a good therapist for you to process with is also key. No one will understand or acknowledge the stress you face trying to be everything to everyone and walking on eggshells to protect your spouse, or what a great loss you have experienced. Finally, separate sleeping arrangements can allow you some time and space to preserve your sense of self.

  12. I want to do a challenge in which I do a small act of kindness everyday for the month of January. What small acts of kindness do you do regularly or appreciate when others do for you? Anything as small as letting someone in during your morning commute, to a nice thank you email, really anything!

    1. I pick up garbage in communal areas. Mostly I’m talking indoors, like in my office or the post office or something. I can’t possibly pick up all the litter outside, but I do occasionally pick up trash outdoors too. It’s something my dad has always done and I learned the behavior from him.

    2. When I was an admin occasionally the bosses would grab me coffee and it meant the world to me. I know bosses don’t ‘have to’ spend their own money on staff but I was making a whopping 36k to my boss’s 200k. Now that I have an admin of my own I send her digital Starbucks cards.

    3. Sometimes my neighbors take my trash cans to the street or bring them in for me. I appreciate that for sure.

      1. Mine do this too!

        I offer to take shopping carts back for people if I am walking in as they are finishing loading to their car (I also always organize the cart corral and fetch strays in the parking lot).

        Another thing that makes me happy and I think is kind (although it should be standard) is a genuine friendly interaction with a stranger or a service worker I am engaging with.

        Always holding doors for people. Asking people if they need help (and then respecting the no if that’s what you get). Dropping off a small grocery store bunch of flowers for a friend. Sending real snail mail cards to people.

    4. Not exactly this because it’s not a planned out thing. I noticed not too long ago now much it makes my day when someone compliments me. I put a lot of thought into what I wear (duh, because I’m here reading this s I t e) and it feels good when someone notices. So now that I’m a middle aged woman and hopefully no one thinks I’m being a creep, if I notice someone looks particularly well put together, I will tell them that. Usually, it’s women, but I’ve seen men light up that I noticed their cool shoes or whatever. “I love your coat – it’s such a nice color on you” was probably the most recent thing, and I meant it.

      1. Tend to agree with this. As a forever single who lives alone, reality is I don’t have anyone ever looking at me telling me I look nice. So yeah the one time another woman passing me on the sidewalk said she really liked my sweater or another woman at a corporate function said I looked beautiful – well I still remember those compliments like over a decade later. And while not everyone you’d compliment is lonely, thing is you don’t know what anyone is going through in life – sometimes kind words are nice even for someone partnered up.

        Feel like I read an article recently about how guys really never get complimented and go crazy for it if someone likes their shoes or tie or whatever. It was something about how when you’re a married man with kids, life is all about your wife and kids and you’re just sort of there – no one is really paying attention to you because your cute kids run the show. I suspect it’s similar in the sense that for many men the person who complimented them the most was their mom – when they live far from mom, mom is age 95 etc, they don’t get that as much.

    5. I appreciate it and also do it myself – when someone holds a door open for me or presses the elevator button or whatever when they see my hands are full or I’m carrying something heavy. It’s NBD but I feel like we live in a time where people don’t even acknowledge each others’ existence or are too busy to notice anyone else because they are looking at their phones – so this small thing that takes less than a second makes my day every time.

    6. If you want to spend money – buy a few five dollar gift cards to Starbucks and hand them out once in a while, like to a receptionist at work or security guard – someone who people walk by and overlook. Though TBH I haven’t been to Starbucks since pre pandemic – does five dollars still cover one coffee there?

    7. Friendly patience in frustrating everyday situations. Smile warmly at the stressed parent with a screaming toddler on a plane or at the grocery store.
      Thank shop clerks who ask their obligatory loyalty card questions.
      Buy some pay-it-forward coffees if your coffee shop does those.
      Send some New Years cards.
      Give food or help out at a local food bank – maybe they need somebody to drive some boxes to people without a car or low mobility.

    8. Not small, but you could sign up to donate at a blood drive, or help at one.
      Notice and compliment a child who’s behaving well. “I see you’re an excellent traveler!” “I bet you’re a big help with the grocery shopping!”
      Look out for someone who seems lonely, start a conversation, and “visit” with them for a minute or two.
      Check if your local library has a used book sale room. For a few dollars you can buy some books and give them away, or donate them to a shelter.
      Play peek a boo with a baby who’s crying on the subway or plane.

      1. Please don’t be patronizing to children like that. As a precocious child, nothing creeped me out more than someone infantilizing me.

  14. I know we’ve talked about this before…

    A professional networking contact in my nonprofit field is asking me why I left my last role without anything lined up. I worked for a local branch of a very well-respected national charity, and this branch was shady at best, illegal at worst. The two biggest examples were refusing to pay overtime that my supervisor explicitly directed me to work (I was hourly – the local manager only agreed to pay after I threatened to report them) and cooking the books on audits for federal funding. When they asked me to use my personal vehicle for new, frequent daily tasks that weren’t part of my job description and without reimbursement for gas or mileage, I quit. To them, all these things were merely “maximizing” the budget, but I didn’t want to work there any longer.

    The national organization wears a golden halo, and my saying anything to my networking contact will only make me look like a difficult employee and/or crazy. How do I respond to her questions about why I left without anything else lined up?

    1. Are you applying to for profit or non profits?

      If it were me, I would say something like “I understand that non-profits are mission driven and the money that pays our salaries isn’t available for X need (X being the main mission). However, after several rounds of pay cuts with more work, I left.”

      It’s true in a way, because they *are* cutting your pay when they cook the books, refuse to pay OT, and have you incur non-reimbursable expenses.

    2. Has the non-profit chapter blown up yet? I’m reminded of the local chapter of the Red Cross about 15 years ago. They hired a man who turned out to be a career con-artist. In the process of auditing what he may have stolen, they discovered the chapter CEO was a felon (non-disclosed). I think the chapter had to be closed.

      You could say that you were concerned about compliance.

    3. There was a disconnect between the position you accepted and the role as it developed. It is a great organization and you certainly wish them the best but you thought it best to resign (with notice if that is true) and let them move forward with someone else while you dedicated all of your energy to finding a better fit.

      You could also mention that working at the local office involved considerable, uncompensated travel that you were not comfortable with – as long as you are not looking for a job that involves travel!

  15. I am doing a Whole30 after a high stress period with tons of convenient, processed food that made me feel icky. I’ve done it before and really enjoyed the process / how it recentered my relationship with plants, so I’m stoked. Any favorite recipes?

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