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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 200 Comments · by

Workwear Hall of Fame: ‘Tonya’ V-Neck Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Black Work Dress: T Tahari 'Tonya' V-Neck Sheath DressOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Ooh: I like the look of this simple V-neck sheath dress from Tahari. Nice high neckline and work-appropriate length — and although I know a lot of readers prefer sleeved dresses, I think sleeveless styles are the best for layering beneath blazers and cardigans. (If you really want a sleeved dress, check out this one from Tahari — six colors, regular and petite sizes, 2-16.) The pictured dress is available in sizes 2-16 for $118. T Tahari ‘Tonya' V-Neck Sheath Dress Here's a plus-size option in red or black (on sale) and navy. Psst: Do note that today is the first day of Nordstrom's Triple Points event! If you've been wanting to try some of the bestselling/reader-favorite styles from our Workwear Hall of Fame, check out this $65 sheath dress (on sale), these $99 almond-toed pumps or these $99 pointy-toed pumps, this $108 sleeved sheath dress in regular and petite sizes, this $150 blazer in regular, petite, and plus sizes, and of course everyone's favorite sleek nylon tote. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

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Comments

  1. Anon

    In what world (other than that of a Vegas c*€tail wit rests is this a “high neckline”???? The lowest point of the v-neck is parallel to the model’s n*ppl@s!!!

    • Julia

      I see the V stopping near the top of her cleavage – much higher than you suggest.

      • I'm Just Me ....

        That’s what I see as well. It looks like a very sedate neckline.

        • Ellen

          Yay! I think Kat is trying to be conservative in her recomendation’s b/c of girl’s like me, who have certain Leches like my Frank takeing any chance they can to stare at my boobie’s! FOOEY on men that have to do that! I do NOT stare at their crotches, so what is the big draw for these leches with our boobie’s? I wish men were brought up like they are in places where women do NOT wear top’s. I do NOT see men stareing at women’s boobie’s on TV. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • Anonymous

      I assure you that the neckline would be yawn-inducing on me. Armpit-level necklines seem OK. Sternum-level ones, not so much.

    • Bonnie

      This neckline is not scandalous to me at all. I actually really like this dress and just ordered it in navy from the Rack for $45. They have it there in other colors as well.

    • Anon

      Unless you are a sister wife, this is a pretty normal v neckline. It would not show cleavage or lingerie on most of us.

    • Bluestocking

      I see it as stopping at the top of the cleavage, not the n!pple, but I still wouldn’t call it a high neckline. It’s probably sedate or modest enough to be work appropriate depending on fit, but to me anything that dips or scoops to the level of cleavage is not “high.” “High” to me is a crewneck or boatneck or turtleneck that is at or above the clavicle, or a tiny v or scoop that goes very slightly below the clavicle.

  2. Anon

    I’m looking for some slightly dressy T-shirts to wear to work. I loved the look of the Boden Ravello top and bought one on sale, but it didn’t work for me – the armholes pulled, it didn’t sit quite right, and those little inner flap things kept getting wrinkled/bent and would poke above the neckline of the blouse. Are there any Ravello-like tops that are made of a knit material? I like semi-fitted or loose tops that look casual, but still a step above a regular T-shirt. Any suggestions are welcome!

    • Anonymous

      I would also love suggestions for dressier, semi-fitted or slightly loose jersey tops/t-shirts to wear in the office (business casual) and under suits.

      • MJ

        These are not dressy, but I like Talbots’ pima boatneck T’s to layer under suits if I just want a plain shell neckline. They are not fancy, but get the job done and wear like iron.

        I do not like a lot of Talbots’ other T’s which are mixed with rayon, have no give and generally run smaller (and look terrible after a few washings).

    • waffles

      I got a nice one from Ted Baker last year. The way it’s cut is a bit different and really flattering.

      • lsw

        I have a great one from Ted Baker, too. At first I was asking myself if I could really consider purchasing what is essentially a fancy t-shirt for $$, but I get a ton of wear out of it and it is very chic.

  3. Anon

    “Shouldn’t #TedCruz have been forced to carry his unviable campaign to term?” – Samantha Bee’s Twitter

    She totally should have taken over the Daily Show!

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, it’s not a very original joke, and IMO it’s not even funny. It’s like when there’s a murder using a random weapon and gun advocates cry “BAN GOLF CLUBS” as if it’s the funniest thing in the world.

    • LostInTranslation

      As someone from Texas I would just like to say Thank G*d he’s out. Not crazy about The Donald but after the last one, I don’t think anyone from Texas should be allowed to be president for a really long time.

  4. Has anyone seriously furnished their home?

    Most of my friends and peers own McMansions, and buy furniture from IKEA and leave the walls builders’-special white. Has anyone hired a decorator? Bought antiques and/or fine art? Or is this a thing of the past?

    • Anonymous

      I have a co-worker who is around 30 and on a modest salary has begun collecting affordable oiginal art by local artists. I would love to do this, but my husband is kind of a cheapskate, and our taste in art diverges so we would probably never agree on what to purchase anyway. We do have some art made by family members.

      • Idea

        +1 It’s like a miracle when we agree on decorating, and we both want a say in how our house looks/feels. So…. pray to the saint of marriage or of interior decorators?

      • Lilly

        One Christmas my husband and I decided to joint gift ourselves a piece of original art, from a gallery, to go over the living room mantle. We learned that what I liked he thought was boring, and what he liked I thought was challenging, even angry looking. We ended up buying a giant Balinese lotus carving. I’ve snuck a few less expensive pieces from local artist in as well – giant picture of bird heads so close up as to look almost abstract for the kitchen is one he sort of likes and an oil of poppies he thinks is boring but innocuous for a hallway. Big stuff for the dining room has ended up being one humongous mirror and several merely large mirrors. At least they brighten the room.

    • AtlantaAnon

      Your friends are probably cash-poor after buying their house (we are). My friend who claims to LOVE art and does buy nicer things and decorates nicely has $0 student loans and she and her husband came out of the recession doing pretty well for themselves. There’s probably local Facebook groups or decorator blogs you can check out (local to your area) that will let you know about trends, where to buy things, how to haggle, etc.

      I’m jealous of my friend, but I also don’t really want to live in her house-style at all. It looks great and great for company and she throws parties and is very generous, but she literally has a crystal chandelier in her guest bedroom. Not for me. Thanks.

      On another note, my mom is very honest that they decorated their house after my dad’s parents died and they inherited their furniture. So….

      • Anonymous

        I’m not sure about the cash-poor. For us, it’s indecision/failure to commit. I own a big house (it’s not new construction so I don’t think it counts as McMansion but i’m in that demographic) and I have ikea furniture and white walls. Truthfully it’s becuase I don’t have time to decorate. We are doing a major renovation on the house and after that, we are going to hire a decorator because I have no idea what I’m doing and don’t want to just start dropping thousands on furniture without a plan. Which is why we have ikea furniture (and actually, no bed. We sleep on the mattress/boxspring right now!) in a 900k house and drive a luxury car. We have plenty of money in the bank and I’d throw 20k at a room if I knew i would like the result. I DON’T want to spend 8k on a room only to change it up.

          • Anonymous

            it kind of is in my area, but I know what the OP means and I’m pretty sure my general house/demographic fits the category. “new” construction around here is also anything built after like, 1990.

        • H

          Neither my husband nor I have any talent for decorating so we just.. haven’t, really. Plus, if they are buying McMansions (and I confess to live in one also, but it’s not new construction), there is probably quite a bit of square feet and it is a challenge to figure out what to do. I would love a beautifully decorated, updated home, and we do have some money for it, but just can’t figure out what to do. We’ve had several paint colors on the front room wall for a couple months now. And with a toddler, it is really difficult to go shopping for stuff like that.

      • Anonymous

        +1 for feeling cash poor after buying and furnishing (not with IKEA) our house. At least I had our walls painted gray, but I have nothing on them except a few photo canvases in our TV room. I’m also trying to decorate slowly. I have a minimalist style and my parents’ walls are horribly cluttered, which I hated growing up, so although I do eventually want some things on my walls, I want to go about it deliberately and carefully.

      • Anon

        We spend all of our money on child care, our kid’s activities, and keeping the house from falling apart. This year our home maintenance spending will equal our total mortgage payments. And that is just maintenance, not visible improvements such as redoing the kitchen. We “decorated” by replacing most of the flooring, including tiling several rooms ourselves, painting all the walls ourselves, hanging curtains bought on sale at Pottery Barn, and making our old furniture work together with the aid of pillow covers I sewed myself.

    • Anon

      My home has a mix of Ikea, free, and antique family furniture. We have art from artist friends and will inherit more art and furniture from my family in the future. I don’t see a need to buy more since there is a TON more coming my way and I appreciate antiques with my own family history.

    • Laura | Sea Salt & Cervantes

      I think it’s something that’s still around. Some furniture stores offer complimentary design services if you buy pieces from them, I’ve done that at Michell Gold + Bob Williams before. And HomePolish seems pretty cool, an interior decorating startup.

      • Terry

        My parents did this. They were doing a massive update of their living room (and thus looking at multiple pieces of furniture). The store sent a decorator over to look at the space. I’m sure the idea was for her to suggest multiple pieces to buy from the store but, truthfully, she had some great ideas. They ended up rearranging a lot of the furniture in the public spaces of their home based on her suggestions.

    • Cb

      I think the fact that people are increasingly mobile plays a role as well. Why spend loads of money on a piece when it might not fit in a new house? The reason that everyone owns Expedit/Kallax is that they are really functional. And IKEA has definitely become normalised, I know people with great decorating skills and/or the resources to buy more expensive pieces who shop there.

    • Anon

      I am lucky to live near an awesome set of thrifty/antique style furniture stores. For the same Ikea price I can generally find something older and made of actual wood. I try to avoid Ikea and buy something that lasts.

      • Anonymama

        You know, ikea does actually carry a fair amount of solid wood furniture, some of it pretty sturdy. It’s not for everyone, I know, but there’s a reason why so many people buy it.

    • Anonymous

      I dream about someday buying a Chihuly glass piece (when I’m a wealthy empty nester with no kids and no dog to knock it over), but other than that art isn’t really my thing. I’d rather have framed photos of family and friends and photos I took on vacations.

    • Antique Nut

      We bought our house four years ago. At first we barely had any furniture, but we were a little wiped out from the down payment. Over the past several years we’ve gotten to the point where I’m happy with how the house looks. We live in an old neighborhood, with houses built in the 1940s and 50s mostly. So it has some built in charm.

      Some of our furniture is from Ikea and we bought our bed off amazon, but at least half of our furniture is antique. It costs about the same as furniture you can get at Target because literally no one wants it. I go to auctions, which are much better than antique stores– most antique store booths are furnished with items bought at auctions, so if you buy at antique stores you’re paying a markup from what you can get at auction. I don’t have any knowledge about antiques in general and am not trying to get XYZ piece of furniture handcrafted by some old famous guy in Connecticut in 1842, I just buy things I like. In terms of prices, my antique buffet was $235. End tables range from $50-100. Guest bed $75. Dressers about $150. I also have some of my grandparent’s furniture. I bought other things at TJ Maxx and Home Goods to fill in gaps– decent wool rugs and a loveseat. I like to think my house looks good. Some people probably think it looks old lady. I have a subscription to Traditional Home and love looking at it, though I’ve never tried to copy anything.

      • Anon

        I second going to auctions, especially if you’re not in a hurry. You can sometimes end up getting fabulous pieces for not much money. I picked up several tables for around $20 a piece, and a very nice dresser for less than $50. Picked a day that was freezing cold and raining to go to an auction, and took advantage of the fact that everyone else stayed home! If you have a particular style you like often auction houses will have days where they focus on that (antiques, mid-century, primitive, etc.).

    • BB

      We seriously furnished our home per your definition. We budgeted ~20K of furniture into our costs when we bought a house. We thought about hiring a designer, but ended up doing it ourselves. We have 3-4 Room and Board pieces, 3-4 designer (like Design Within Reach stuff) pieces, and 1-2 custom made pieces from local craftspeople (my desk). We also collect art, not Renoirs or anything, but artists we know/meet when we travel. The framing costs are what actually holds us back from putting all of them up because they can run to $500 for a large piece. I should also add that we don’t have a McMansion. We have a 2 bed condo, and I have no idea how I’d furnish something like a 5 bed house.

    • Bette

      Two thoughts:

      1) My sister is very well off and has a big house but cheap college/immediately post college furniture still in her late 30s. That’s because she and her husband have spent the last 10 years having three kids and wanted to wait until the youngest is 5 to invest in some better quality furnishings.

      2) I love home decorating and think that I have a really nice space but I love having my space grow organically to reflect my travels and tastes. Thus, my rooms are not completely “done” all at once when I move to a new space. I think this idea that everyone has instantly completely decorated homes is a myth that home design blogs perpetuate. The couch/piece of art/whatever that you loved in your last house may not work in your current house as well and it could take some time to find a good replacement.

      • Anon

        +1 I have three kids under 5 and there’s no way I’m buying anything other than Ikea with washable slipcovers for at least another 5 years.

    • AKB

      We moved into a “McMansion” (no subdivision, but new build in an older neighborhood) and furnished the entire house except our master bedroom (saving up for that). Our dining room, living room and office are Ethan Allen, some stuff is 1920’s antiques from my parents, and then a mix of other furniture that includes Ikea. There is art on the walls (mainly from our travels), plus concert posters (DH went to Bonnaroo for many years) and sports stuff in the game room. We are not “art” people – we have some nice stuff, but I doubt a true art lover would be impressed with what we have. I am still paying off the Ethan Allen furnture – still about 10 months left. We had zero money when we closed, so I did a whole ‘no interest’ financing thing.

    • Anonymous

      Design is one of my biggest hobbies :)

      Yes, you can hire someone to help! And it doesn’t need to be a big formal designer with 19 certifications and a price tag to match. A great way to get started is with someone who consults hourly, who’ll work with what you have and suggest ways to incorporate new pieces and paint colors. You do the painting, you do the shopping based on her suggestions, and you build your room as time and budget allow. I did this early on with my first houses and loved it. Google around and see what you find locally, but you can definitely find someone who can help without it being a giant process.

      If you do want to wave a magic wand and have it all done for you, go to asid.org and search for designers near you.

    • Maddie Ross

      Like so many have already said, my house (which probably qualifies as a classic McMansion – relatively new build in a subdivision in the near burbs) is a mix of both antique pieces (all inherited) and then Ikea and Wayfair, plus a ridiculously hodge-podged master bedroom that I’m embarrassed to show anyone. Decorating has been a slow process. Partly because I just don’t have the time and energy to commit to it, and partly because there are whole swathes of my house that I assume will be mostly destroyed in the next 15 years before my child leaves home. Our dining room is gorgeous and super expensive and super duper off limits to my child. Our living room is Wayfair and Ikea and Target and that’s cool with me. Someday I’ll get a white couch. Not anytime soon though.

    • Emmer

      My husband and I moved from a one bedroom apartment to a four bedroom house last year, and spent about 30k furnishing it (not including art, which we’re still working on). We used the design services at a local boutique furniture store.

    • Clementine

      So neither my husband or I were raised in wealthy families and it’s not like we have estates’ worth of antiques in the family.

      We decided to furnish our house very slowly, but have been very happy with the results. I wouldn’t hire a decorator because I enjoy doing it myself. We also really both enjoy a lot of DIY, so it makes it very fun. Furniture is a combination of antiques and ikea, with a pottery barn couch thrown in. We have developed a style I really like, but I don’t know if we’ll ever buy fine art.

      We do have just cool pieces we like- prints from local artists, photos we’ve taken while travelling, and one awesome piece I bought off a high school kid who was selling them on his stoop to people walking by.

      My next plan is to do a huge wall of matted, framed prints in our dining room- an idea I’m totally copying off the Good Wife.

    • Senior Attorney

      For much of my life I couldn’t afford to furnish my house all at once. I’d do a room at a time with a mix of high end (bought a Thomasville dining room set when I bought my first house and had my first BigLaw job), hand-me-downs, and various random pieces from various random stores. I did always paint because I love color.

      My most recent house was supposed to be my “forever” home and I did hire a designer, which was awesome because she helped me put together my own vision, but better than I would have done on my own. Again, it’s a mixture of things I already had, some expensive pieces, some Craigslist finds, some Ikea and Target, and some mid-range pieces from places like West Elm. I don’t have any of what you’d call “fine art,” but I have a nice collection of lithographs I’ve collected over the years, a few original oil paintings, a few things I inherited (I particularly treasure a watercolor done by my grandmother in 1918, when she was 15), and some pieces I’ve picked up on my travels. (And now, ironically, I’m going to be moving in with Lovely Fiance after we’re married. Que sera, sera.)

      It’s hard and very expensive to completely do up a home when you’re young and have so many competing demands on your time and money. But it’s fun when you finally have the time and money and can be reasonably sure you won’t get crayon marks on the walls! ;)

    • MargaretO

      I’m young and pretty cash poor from buying a house, but yes! I decorated/am still in the process of finishing up. I was lucky enough to inherit some really nice things that are my style (not sure if furniture from the 50s counts as antiques), but other than that I only spent real money on a couch. Everything else is ikea, target, the west elm clearance section, or craigslist (lots of it free). But I love decorating, and part of the reason it isn’t done is because I don’t want it to be. I painted most of the house myself, and have done a lot of little things myself too (installing light fixtures, painting more complicated designs in certain areas, elaborate wall hangings). But again, this is a major hobby for me, and something I even help my friends and family with occasionally.

      My major tip for doing things on a budget is not to go room my room, but what I think of as layer by layer. Before I moved in I painted, and I already had most major pieces (my bed, dining room table, that kind of stuff). I figured out a general color scheme based on what I already had, the paint colors I liked, etc, and initially just made sure the house was functional. Then I started adding secondary storage (bookcases, redoing closets, entryway furniture, etc), and then moved on to replacing the curtains (I had the owners leave the curtains, but they were ugly) and light fixtures, and hanging art. This way I didn’t have to feel like I was living in a dorm room or a half decorated house. It also makes it much easier to keep an eye out for good deals, since I know the look of the entire house. I don’t feel a time crunch to come up with just the right piece at the right price for each room – the house is finished enough that its functional and pretty to live in, and I can buy things as I find them.

    • Another SA

      I wonder if that’s just their style and maybe not yours?
      I have a McMansion that is very formal and would look good with antiques but that’s not me. I’m into Pottery Barn, Crate & Barrel, and have lots of Target stuff. I do have a room I’m constantly redoing but stuffy, dark and formal isn’t where I’m going with my style.

    • Anonymous

      Antiques and fine art seem kind of stodgy at times, Ikea is more modern and youthful. Maybe that plays a part? I do own some antiques, mostly mid-century modern stuff (if that counts) and a few hand me downs, but I have furniture from Ikea because I like the style and the next comparable thing quadruple the price. Depending on what you are buying, it is not always bad quality. White walls and Ikea can mean that they prefer a more modern style.

    • Anonymous

      My SO’s coworkers have all used decorators so this crowd does still exist. Of course they all make $$$$ money (finance) so I think there’s a lot of things they do that others don’t… And even then when upgrading to their first big houses in the burbs from city apartments, they still had empty rooms for a while because they weren’t using those rooms. When you make that transition from apartment to house it just takes a while to fill all the space, especially if you are trying to fill it nicely.

  5. Anon

    Need some career advice here. I interviewed for a job a couple of months ago, and while I did not get it, the HR recruiter called me up personally and encouraged me to keep in touch and apply for other positions. I wrote thank you notes to the two hiring managers and expressed my interest in the company and received positive feedback from both of them. I kept on looking in LinkedIn to see who they hired for this position, and it does not seem that the position was filled at that time. I set up a notification through this company’s job portal for any new positions posted in my skill set, and lo and behold the same job was resisted yesterday. I had read in the WSJ. That a major shake up occurred in the company in March, and perhaps now that the dust is settled, they are ready to fill that position again. I want TO send an email to the hiring managers and HR INDICATING MY INTRST IN THIS POSITION. What should I say? Should I only write to the hiring managers or both HR and the hiring managers??

    • Anonymous

      Eh….i think you can reach out to your contacts at the company, but i’d keep it at at a networking level vs reminding them that you want the job. They presumably haven’t forgotten about you. I hire often and for candidates I like, I always keep them in the back of my mind. Unless we’re talking like 5 years ago.

      • Idea

        +1 When this happened to me I kept in touch every month with a “here’s what I’ve been up to” email.
        Every month might be overdoing it, but Let them know you’re interested, and how you’ve improved yourself to be more competitive.
        Also, just posting a job does not mean if it’s filled or not. See AskAManager about that.

    • hoola hoopa

      Apply via HR and email the hiring manager(s) to let them know that you’ve applied and concisely remind them you interviewed recently, are still very interested in working with them, and what you’ve been up to since your last interview if anything major.

      • Anonymous

        I really disagree with this. If she applied a few months ago (2-3? not 9-10) for the exact same role, why on earth would she apply again? Unless this is some cavernous organization, her name and skill set are already on the radar of the hiring manager (assuming it’s the same hiring manager).

        OP, if you reach out, contact the HR rep that told you to keep applying and ask her if that’s the same role you applied to a few months back, and try to get the scoop. You do NOT want to re-apply for role they already decided you weren’t a good fit for, but perhaps the role has changed. The HR rep can fill you in without the formal application process. Re-applying has a high liklihood of making you seem out of touch (either “can’t take no” or “has been blasting resumes and not reading the JDs as this is a job she already applied for”).

  6. career anon q

    Another career advice query here please!

    I have been at my current position for about six months and the work life balance has not been what was promised when I initially signed on. I received an offer from another company with a promotion and pay raise and the promise of a work life balance (I realize this could very well be a HR sales spiel). Do you think I would be burning bridges at my current company if I accepted the new position? While I appreciate my direct manager, working at this current company has been difficult, particularly with a lack of senior leadership and direction, and extreme over-servicing of clients. This new opportunity is a great chance, but my industry is small and I wouldn’t want to burn any bridges. I don’t enjoy working at the current company, but am worried that it may be on par with the industry standard (FYI – communications, big city).

    • Anonymous

      Can you reach out to some current employees at the company where you have the offer and investigate the work-life balance further? You will be in a bad spot if the new company turns out to be more of the same. There’s definitely the potential to burn bridges in this situation, but it would be worth it to me for an actual improvement in work-life balance. Your messaging if you decide to resign needs to be very clear that you have an opportunity you couldn’t turn down, you appreciate everything you’ve learned, blah blah blah, and I would expect some side-eye, but as long as you handle that professionally, I don’t think bridge-burning is inevitable.

    • Anon

      Also, consider reaching out yo those who recently left that company. You could do this on LInkedIn using “former employee” as one of your search parameters. Focus on those who are not currently unemployed (their bitterness over their current situation may distort their view of their former employer), and preferably someone who has moved on to a similar/better position. Reach out to them via LinkedIn’s InMail function, but if you get no response leave it be.

    • Idea

      I’ve heard you get 1 freebie to leave a job in such a short-time. Use it carefully.

    • career anon q

      Thanks!

      Follow up q: The new company needs a response ASAP – at least an email acceptance today and I can send the formal signed offer letter on Monday. However, my direct manager is away on vacation until Monday, so there’s no way for me to resign today unless I went above her, which I think would be poorly done. Any suggestions on how to navigate?

      • WestCoast Lawyer

        I would not resign until you have the formal signed offer letter in hand.

      • WestCoast Lawyer

        I would not resign until you have the formal signed offer letter in hand.

      • Spirograph

        Unless you’ve had the offer since last week, that kind of rushing you to accept would give me serious pause. Agree that you never, never resign until you have the formal signed offer letter in hand.

      • Anonymous

        Ask them for more time – surely it doesn’t really matter much to them if you wait until Monday or even later next week. Explain the situation. Unless you’ve been sitting on the offer for a bit, it seems like they want an immediate acceptance, which is weird. I would let them know that I was leaning to accept, but want to talk to my manager first about the offer and not resign or accept until that conversation was had.

  7. Shoes

    So here’s a fun and probably controversial topic: How many pairs of shoes is “a lot” of shoes (like an above average amount)?

    I was thinking this because my husband commented “You have a ridiculous number of shoes!” the other day, and I tend to think I’m pretty minimalist in my shoe buying. Here’s what I have:
    7 pairs of work pumps
    4 pairs ballet flats
    2 pairs flip flops
    3 pairs dressy sandals
    4 pairs boots (incl. rain boots)
    4 pairs running/hiking/sneaker shoes

    • Diana Barry

      I dunno, that sounds like a regular number of shoes to me. I have more than that:

      sneakers
      hiking boots
      fun sneakers (2)
      rain boots
      snow boots – sorel
      snow boots – dressy
      high boots for work (2)
      ankle boots for work (1)
      ankle boots not for work (2)
      oxfords for work (2)
      ballet flats and loafers – black, green, leopard, silver, gold, red, yellow
      fancy shoes for weddings (2)
      pumps and wedges for work occasions (4)
      flip flops (1)
      sandals (2)
      wedge sandals for going out (1)

    • Cat

      I commented before on a shorter thread, but I probably have 50 pairs of shoes — I think I have about 25 pairs that live in my filing cabinet at work.

      It’s a function of adding 2-3 pairs of shoes per year, but rarely wearing my “nice” pairs outside (on weekends/commuting, I’m in one of maybe 7-8 pairs). So from time to time I do “retire” a pair that is now totally out of style (hello, super-pointy-early-00s heels) but I rarely “wear out” dressy shoes.

    • Anonymous

      I have more shoes than you. I have most styles in black and nude-for-me (boots in black and brown).

      6 pairs work pumps (pointy-toe high heels, almond-toe high heels, and low heels for pants)
      2 pair of dressy wedges for business travel involving walking
      1 pair Air Tali peep-toe wedges for summer in-office wear
      2 pairs pointy-toe flats
      2 pairs ballet flats
      4 pairs flip-flops
      2 pairs tall dress boots
      3 pairs ankle boots
      2 pairs casual tall boots
      1 pair cowboy boots
      1 pair dressy sandals
      1 pair casual sandals
      1 pair Chucks
      1 pair clogs for winter driving
      1 pair Birkenstocks for summer driving
      1 pair climbing shoes
      2 pairs ballet slippers
      1 pair running shoes
      2 pairs hiking shoes/boots
      1 pair rainboots
      1 pair nasty old sneakers for painting, etc.
      1 pair gardening clogs

    • Anon

      Well, that’s not minimalist, but it’s not a ton. I have:

      1 pair of hiking boots
      1 pair of snow boots
      3 pairs of flats
      3 pairs of heels, including my wedding heels
      1 pair of running shoes
      1 pair of casual sneakers
      2 pairs of Birkenstocks
      1 pair of Chacos
      1 pair of flip-flops
      1 pair of riding boots
      1 pair of LL Bean duckboots
      1 pair of ski boots

        • Clementine

          At one point, I was very minimalist in terms of shoes, meaning:

          1 black heel, 1 nude heel
          Sneakers
          Hiking boots
          1 pair flip flops
          1 pair wedge sandals
          1 pair flats

          Honestly, I didn’t love it. I like having seasonal shoes. I like having multiple casual shoe options. I’m still pretty streamlined, but having leather flip flops AND rubber flip flops (for showering at the gym) or running shoes AND casual sneakers has really made me happy:

        • InfoGeek

          I feel like I’m fairly minimalist
          1 pair black heels
          2 pairs black flats (1 pair dressier than the other)
          1 pair brown flats
          1 pair brown clogs
          1 pair ankle boots
          1 pair running shoes
          2 pair tennis shoes (1 mostly worn out — used for yard work, throwing in the car if I need them)
          1 pair rain boots
          1 pair steel toes (for when I need to go on the plant floor at work)

    • Julia

      Is your husband at all familiar with other women’s closets? Sure, that is plenty of shoes. Women who struggle financially will have far fewer. Women who adhere strictly to a minimal wardrobe will have fewer. But in the realm of professional women, I think that is a very normal number. I myself have a terrible shoe habit and confess to having 4x as many. I am working on getting rid of some, mostly due to storage issues, but I wear most of them in the year.

    • Anonymous

      After culling, I own:

      5 pairs work shoes
      2 pairs weekend sandals
      2-3 pairs nicer sandals
      3-4 pairs evening shoes
      1 pair running shoes
      2-3 pairs flats

      Total 17-18 pairs.. Yikes!!!

    • CDA

      Seems well-within the realm of “normal.”

      I also think it is adorable that your husband commented/questioned this in any form. My husband learned not to ask questions after my shoe cabinet was delivered :)

    • Anon

      I have 100+ pairs of shoes, but I am something of a collector. I regularly wear 25-35 of them. The others are just closet eye candy at this point due to foot/ankle issues preventing me from wearing heels.

      My shoes are non of my husband’s business.

      • Never too many shoes

        I *love* shoes and have a similar number to Anon 11:36…I usually have 20 pairs of heels at work at any given time.

        +1Million to the notion that my shoes are not my husband’s business (although in all honesty he could not care less as long as I have super high heeled knee high boots to wear for him).

    • Anon

      Yikes, I’m almost hesitant to admit:

      2 pairs of work shoes
      1 pair running shoes
      1 pair flat sneakers (for gym)
      1 pair dressy sandals
      1 pair ballet flats (that I hate, need ones that don’t tear up my heels)
      1 pair dressy wedges
      1 pair shower/pool sandals
      1 pair cowboy boots
      1 pair of “heels” that collect dust

      Eeek. I may do some shoe shopping.

    • HSAL

      I can’t list them all without looking, but I track my work outfits and I’ve worn 27 different pairs of shoes in 2016. That’s maybe 1/3 of my total shoe wardrobe?

        • HSAL

          No, I’ve looked at apps, but the ones I saw require you to input everything in your closet (with photos) and that seemed overwhelming. I just use a spreadsheet. I got one here from Orangerie (I think? You still around?) but then ended up doing a simpler one. Dates in the rows, outfit categories (top, topper, pants, skirt/dress, shoes, accessories) in the columns. I love it.

          • Orangerie

            Hey there, I’m sporadically around but after switching jobs a while back I usually only have time to read comment threads in the evenings. Glad to hear the sheet (or a version of it) is working well for you :) I’ve been maintaining mine for almost 4 years now and it’s been really helpful.

    • Jennifer

      Hmmm- I have a lot of similar shoes in different colors, because I normally like to have similar styles in black and in a brown or nude tone.
      1-brown loafers
      2-black flats (I also keep my old worn out pair at work, just in case)
      4-nude patent flats (I also keep my old worn out pair at work, just in case)
      6-brown ankle booties
      7-black ankle booties
      8-rain boots
      9-tennis shoes (again, I keep the old pair around for painting/gardening/whatever)
      11-flat black knee-high boots (could part with these, and keep the booties)
      12-flat brown knee high boots (could part with these, and keep the booties)
      13-boring black pumps
      14-fun black and grey pumps
      15-black heeled sandals
      16-silver heels
      17-dressy black suede shoes
      18-flip flops
      19-toms
      20-nude sandals
      21-silver sandals
      22-probably something else I am forgetting. doc martens or vibrams or something else I just never got rid of after college

      it feels like a lot, but with 4 genuine seasons I wear almost all regularly, and am still looking for a few filer pieces too. They aren’t currently in the way, if they were I could probably get to a point were everything fit in one over-the-door organizer painlessly.

    • inhousejen

      I am decidedly excessive in the shoe department. At last count (when I had to buy the appropriate amount of shoe shelving to wrap around the closet), I had 196 pairs. But that includes flat sandals (about 30) and tennis shoes (15). I have right at 40 pairs of closed-toe black pumps alone. So no, I don’t find your shoe count to be excessive at all.

    • Legally Brunette

      I think I have 8 pairs of shoes. Seriously. I’m always telling myself to buy more but I honestly can’t stand shoe shopping. Even my DH tells me to buy more pairs. :) Would much rather buy a dress or a top!

      (it breaks down to 4 work pumps, 1 flat, 1 boot, 1 pair of sneakers, 1 sandal that is on its last leg).

  8. Job offers?

    I am a science PhD and this morning I got an email with an offer for a postdoc position in Country A. It wasn’t really a formal offer more like the Prof. saying they have funding. This isn’t really my first choice but I don’t have another solid offer. I did part of my dissertation research in Country A and I was looking for something different research wise.

    Last week I was in touch with Prof B from a different country who expressed interest in what I have to offer. She said we could talk have a Skype interview. I replied yes, that’s okay, let me know when you are available. Now with this other option on the table, I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to accept it without hearing what Prof. B might have had to offer. I wan’t to email her but what do I say?

    • Job offers?

      OP here: Just realised the second paragraph is unclear: Prof. B hasn’t replied yet, I sent the message last week. I would like to send a follow up email. Would it be odd to mention I have an offer on the table but I am still interested in what she has to offer? I don’t want to come across as someone who is trying to play one against the other though. My interest is genuine in this case.

    • anonshmanon

      “Dear Prof. B, I am excited to talk more about project xyz. I checked my calendar, and weekday afternoons fit best for doing a Skype interview. I am available the entire next week.”
      You could try scheduling via a assistant/secretary, or at least inform the assistant, and they might remind the boss.
      The first bit sounded strange to me, did ProfA make you an unsolicited offer or did you apply there?

      • OP

        I was talking to Prof. A about applying for a fellowship to work with her yesterday. At that time I thought the fellowship would be awarded this year. But this morning she emailed me and said actually the fellowship is for 2017, however she has some funding that could allow her to take someone this year. So her email was asking can you come this year?

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think it’s odd to mention that you have another offer you need to accept by __ date (probably best to check with Prof A first to see when they need a reply), but you are very interested in her offer. I don’t think it’s “playing one against the other.” The only situation in which I could see it burning bridges would be if Prof B scrambled, got you an offer, and then you went to Prof A anyway. And even then, it happens. I think you’re overthinking this.

      • Sarabeth

        Yeah, at least in my humanities field, it would be totally normal to be upfront about the fact that you have a timeline to respond to another offer. People get how it works.

    • lost academic

      Talk to your current advisor/postdoc supervisor (not clear if you’re a new PhD or you are in a postdoc role already). Some perspective from within your field by someone who knows the players and other upcoming potential opportunities will help. But beyond that, you can treat this like any other situation where you expect to have 2 competing job offers.

      • OP

        Good perspective. I do already know the players in my field. At this point, I am looking to find a good or relatively reasonable fit both in terms of research interests and location i.e. a place I think I could be happy. While my PhD advisor was great, I wasn’t very happy in the location which in retrospect affected my emotional well-being.

        • lost academic

          I should have been more clear – I am sure you know the people, but a lot of people behave differently towards peers than to postdocs, staff, grad students – getting as much perspective about a new potential supervisor will help a lot.

  9. Cleaning before the Cleaners

    My husband and I disagree on the extent of my cleaning before the cleaners. When Tuesday morning rolls around, I become completely obsessed with decluttering and putting our house in cleanable condition. All beds made, all floors cleared, horizontal surfaces cleared, electronics put away, all dirty dishes in the dishwasher, fridge cleaned out (Wednesday is garbage day and the cleaners take garbage to the street), dirty laundry in the chute, mail sorted and put away – basically the gamut of housekeeping in one frantic 45 minute session.

    My theory is the cleaners can clean more effectively if they’re not working around all of our crap. My husband thinks I’m going overboard and it doesn’t matter if the remotes are on the coffee table or in the drawer or if the dirty dishes are still in the sink. He’s especially not on board with cleaning out the fridge. I always have grand plans of doing most of this on Monday evenings, but it’s time to let that delusion go.

    So, ladies, obviously the answer here is that my husband and I need to meet in the middle. To poll the hive, do you clean before the cleaners? To what extent?

    • Diana Barry

      I declutter before the cleaners come (put stuff away that’s out) but cleaning out the fridge is overboard. Do the cleaners clean the fridge (like wipe down the shelves)? Would they know how to clean out the fridge, or do you have to do that? Any reason to do it every week? (I only clean out the fridge for old leftovers etc. maybe once every 3 weeks)

      They should also be able to make your beds, you shouldn’t need to do that.

      • Cleaning before the Cleaners

        My cleaners won’t make beds, since they view it as house keeping rather than cleaning. They also don’t clean the fridge unless I pay extra. I’ve mostly done the fridge cleaning to streamline garbage clean out, but it is likely to be the task I stop doing, as it is the one that stresses my husband the most.

        • Equals

          Why does it stress your husband out that you are cleaning out the fridge? He’s not doing it. Or, are you asking him to participate (which he should, if it needs doing), and he doesn’t want to, and that stresses him out?

          • Cleaning for the Cleaners

            I’ll occasionally need an assist with the garbage bag and the ick factor gets to him. My timing is less than stellar, because he’s generally already in work clothes, so the chance of getting dirty increases.

          • Senior Attorney

            Yeah, that’s what I don’t get. What does he care if you’re cleaning out the fridge? I mean, he should help but his position is not unreasonable, either, so I don’t think it’s worth fighting about. So I think the solution is for you do it (without driving everyone crazy, if possible) and for him to chill out.

          • Anonymous

            Not OP, but my husband constantly objects to my cleaning. He doesn’t believe in cleaning bathrooms and floors more than once a month, or anything else ever (so no dusting and the kitchen should never get more than the daily post-dinner counter wipedown). Whenever I try to clean, he sits around watching bad TV and complaining that I should be doing something fun with him.

        • Bewitched

          How does cleaning the fridge before they come help? If they come on Tuesday and you clean the fridge Monday, I get that they take old fridge stuff to garbage on Tuesday. But if you don’t clean fridge until Friday, they will still take the old stuff out the next Tuesday! I would let that one go, absolutely!

          • Cleaning for the Cleaners

            I don’t like the fridge trash festering inside my garbage can, so it either needs to be done when the cleaners come on Tuesday or on garbage day on Wednesday.

          • Anonymous

            Clean your fridge Tuesday night? Or Monday night? Completely unnecessary to rush around doing that Tuesday morning and I see why it bugs him.

          • Senior Attorney

            Yeah, I think you need to relax a little on this. Garbage cans are made for garbage and nothing bad will happen if you use them for their intended purpose. I can totally see why he doesn’t want to be taking out stinky garbage in a hurry in his work clothes on Tuesday morning.

    • Bette

      I feel like half of these tasks are things that I would expect a cleaning crew to do – put dishes in dishwasher, pick up dirty clothes and put in hamper (with the understanding that all clothes on the floor = dirty), change the sheets and make the beds.

      • Cleaning for the Cleaners

        Interesting – I might be time ahead to ask if these are in the SLA.

        • Pretty Primadonna

          I agree. I wouldn’t expect a cleaning crew to pick up my dirty clothes from the ground. Different strokes…

    • Spirograph

      I don’t clean out the fridge specifically for the cleaners (she doesn’t wipe the inside of the fridge), but I do the rest of that. I mean, to the best of my ability the night before, and then I try not to let my kids pull too much stuff out before we leave in the morning, but I also have to go to work on time so it’s often not perfect. I make my bed every day for my own sanity, not just for the cleaner. She changes the sheets, so if anything it would probably be easier for her if I left it unmade.

      I don’t think you need your horizontal surfaces to be perfectly clear — your husband is right that a remote on the coffee table is probably NBD. But definitely not leaving stacks of mail around or clothes all over the floor.

    • cbackson

      I make sure there are no dishes in the sink and I try to clear any unusual amount of clutter (like, during Christmas card season, my dining table was a full on card-addressing and writing station, and I put that away when she came), but that’s it. IDK, if my mail isn’t put away, my cleaner just puts it into a stack and cleans around it. And she makes the bed – I just have to make sure clean sheets are available.

    • AnonInfinity

      We do essentially no cleaning before the cleaning person comes. The only thing we do is run the dishwasher (usually the night before) because our cleaner will put away clean dishes. She also changes the sheets and makes the bed and will usually put things away (in logical places) if they’re strewn all over the place. She’ll stack up any unopened mail and clean around it. I have friends who do the frantic clean-before-the-cleaner routine, and that just adds way too much stress to my life. I’d rather my house get 90% clean without the frantic routine vs 100% clean with the stress of cleaning before she gets there.

    • Anon

      We do everything you listed except make the bed, because our cleaners wash the sheets.

      Yes, you should de clutter before they come. If you don’t they’ll either clean around it or try to put it away for you, and lord knows if you’ll ever find it again.

      I’d rather the cleaners focus on getting the floors and surfaces spotless than putting my crap away.

    • Anon

      I am with you (other than inside the fridge, which my cleaning person doesn’t do). I hired my cleaning person to clean, not pick up my things. Therefore, I do decluttering (not what I consider cleaning) before they get there so that they spend their time actually cleaning the surfaces and not moving objects around. I also put the dishes away, because they will do them, but that is not a good use of the time they are in my house (IMO). I would certainly pick up dirty clothes.

      • KinCA

        +2. My husband and I are constantly bickering over this. He thinks it’s stupid that I pick up before they come, I think it makes their time at our house more productive, as I want them to actually clean and not just pick up our stuff. I set aside 30-minutes the morning before they come to make sure that laundry is put away, counter tops are cleared, etc. I don’t always get everything but I feel like it makes a big difference.

        The only thing I don’t do? Make our bed. They make it so much better than I do and getting into that perfectly made bed at night is one of my favorite things.

    • Anonymous

      I have kids, so the evening before cleaning day DH, me, and the kids declutter. Toys and books go off the floor and where they belong. Backpacks, shoes, etc get put in their proper places. Things on the kitchen counter are put where they go (or in the general room in which they go). Dirty clothes are tossed in the hamper and clean clothes are either put away or stacked in a TO BE PUT AWAY pile in bedrooms.

      I try and run and empty the dishwasher, but don’t always get to it. Bath toys may or may not remain in the bottom of the bathtub.

      When the cleaners come, they’re here for 3 hours. I’d rather them deep clean vs spend time putting toys in the toybox when my children are quite capable. And when we come home on cleaning day, we immediately put away stuff that has been piled up by the cleaners and TA DA the house is nice and clean.

  10. Catlady

    Does anyone have any recommendations for a facialist (a person who does facials, I guess?) in the Central/Northern NJ area? I would like to go somewhere that won’t push an entire line of Dermalogica or something on me. Thanks!

    • BeenThatGuy

      Check out Bars of Beauty in Oradell. It’s a blowout bar but the owner does the facials. She’s kind, great at reading your skin, reasonably priced and not pushy on products at all.

    • anon a mouse

      Zanya Spa in Lambertville. One of the best facials I’ve ever had. I don’t remember any particular salesmanship.

  11. No Problem

    I have a business etiquette question. Within the past year, I’ve gone out to lunch with my supervisor about four times, each time at his request. The first time was just after my performance review last spring, when I expressed displeasure at my raise (he doesn’t have discretion over raises, that is all handled several levels above him). He wanted to give me advice that maybe I needed to leave the company to get more money, which he had done several times throughout his career, and he didn’t want to have that conversation while sitting in our company’s office. We have since gone out about three more times, each time to a very inexpensive local restaurant, where the total cost for us both is about $20. He has picked up the tab each time. These other lunches have been a little less mentoring/career discussions and a little more just two people having lunch, but I’m wondering if I should offer to pick up the tab next time. I did just get another raise (still not enough, but a step in the right direction). I can certainly afford to pay, I just wonder what the etiquette here is, when he’s more senior and does the asking, but next time would be our fifth time and maybe it’s my turn to pay?

    • Walnut

      I take direct reports out and pick up the tab as thanks for going above and beyond. It’s not an implication that they cannot afford it.

      • No Problem

        Hmm, I guess I’m not asking about the affordability issue. He knows I can afford it, and it’s not expensive anyway. Also, he’s no longer my supervisor in terms of performance reviews/timesheet approval, but he does lead one of the projects I work on. I do appreciate your perspective as someone who takes out their direct reports!

    • Wildkitten

      Don’t pay. Money flows downward. Are you sure he’s personally paying and not charging it to your firm?

      • No Problem

        I think it’s unlikely he’s charging it to the firm. We don’t have a ton of discretionary money for social events among staff. He would charge it if a client were there.

    • Anonymous

      When I was an associate in Big Law my favorite partner (not my official mentor) took me out to lunch a bunch. A few times he charged it to the firm as mentoring, but I believe mostly he paid. One day I asked if I could treat him as a thanks for all his mentoring and advice. He seemed a little surprised but quickly accepted and seemed touched. Then we started a pattern of me treating him every fourth or fifth time but him paying most of the time. I think it’s a nice thing to offer (assuming he’s paying from his own pocket, which it sounds like he is). He may or may not accept and you should of course be gracious and not argue if he insists on paying, but I don’t think this is the kind of “gifting up” we’re told to avoid.

    • Snick

      It’s a nice gesture if you offer. Your supervisor should pick up the tab. I appreciate it when my direct reports offer but I don’t let them pay.

    • No Problem

      Thanks Anon and Snick! Next time, I will offer to pay, but will accept if he won’t let me.

    • Anonymous

      Interesting–in our office the culture is that everyone always pays for his or her own lunch. Once in a while one of the more senior folks will buy everyone a round of drinks during a business trip, but that’s it. We are a nonprofit and definitely not based in a big city, which may be part of it.

    • Samantha

      I’ve occasionally taken my direct report to lunch (not formally, but we’re talking and decide to walk down to cafeteria together) and have tried to pay for both lunches. But she insisted (nicely) on paying for herself, and did so. Once she was eyeing a cake slice and I bought it for her (she had paid for her main meal). The only times when I’ve paid for my direct reports’ meals were when we all went out to a pre-planned lunch or dinner for an occasion or celebration when it’s clear that I could charge it to the company.

  12. Returns

    Just here to vent – I can’t return a $100 pair of jeans that don’t fit to 6pm.com because I waited 33 days. Their window is 30 days. I guess I’ve been spoiled by what I thought was 60-90 day industry standard return policies. I’m never buying from them again. Vent over. Related question: anyone want to buy a pair of Paige jeans from me?

    • Wildkitten

      They have a shorter return window because they are a sale site. I think 30 days is pretty standard across sale sites. I just checked Off 5th and they are also 30 days.

    • Honeycrisp

      Poshmark? I used Poshmark to sell a final sale (non-returnable) dress that I ordered from LOFT that was too big for me.

    • Anonymous

      Send them back anyway and see what happens. They will probably take it if it’s only 3 days over. Make sure to ship ASAP though.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yeah, I’ve done this with a variety of retailers and they have always processed the returns.

          • Anonymous

            They share ownership. Honestly I’m surprised you’d say that – I’ve always had really good customer service and return experience with Amazon

          • HSAL

            I’m with you on 6pm, but I have always had excellent experiences returning things to Amazon.

          • Anonymous

            Did they reject something you sent back? I have pretty good luck with Amazon returns, with prime. Customer service has always been very helpful.

          • Anonymous

            I’ve returned many things to Amazon without ever having an issue. So not sure why you call them evil. Do check the return policy before buying, as things offered by third-party sellers can have wildly varying return policies, but if you follow their instructions and policies they are incredibly easy to make returns to.

          • Anonymous

            I have a lot of issues with Amazon (the fact that “two day” shipping now takes four or five days, the fact that they treat their employees terribly, etc.) but I have never had any issues with the return process. In fact once I accidentally bought an e-book and they let me return it even though e-books seem like something that shouldn’t be returnable.

          • Anonymous

            I have only tried to return something to Amazon twice, and both times they hadn’t actually processed the return two weeks or more after their system indicated they’d received it. Customer service was good about fixing the issue both times, but it was annoying and time-consuming.

            6pm lost a relatively pricey item I returned and I never got a refund, even after much wrangling with customer service.

            Shopbop, another Amazon company, has a 30-day return policy and charges for return shipping after something like 15 days. Although they haven’t messed up any of my returns yet, I am wary based on my experiences with Amazon and 6pm and will only purchase at Shopbop if I can’t get the same price at a site with return service I trust.

            What’s really odd is that Zappos, which is also owned by Amazon, is always quick and accurate with return processing and has a much longer time limit on returns. I think customer service is intentionally a big part of the Zappos brand, but not so for the other Amazon brands.

          • Anonymous

            Was there no tracking number you could use to prove it? That’s kind of concerning.

          • Anonymous at 1:06

            After verifying that the package was delivered, I threw out the receipt with the tracking number, so when the return was never processed I had no way to prove that it had been received. Very dumb. Now I keep the tracking number until I see the credit on my card.

  13. Hollis

    Anyone here regularly help people out and then regret it later? I have helped several people to get their jobs through my connections, only to later hear them complain about the job or leave it within a year, etc. It’s making me reluctant to spend time with these people again or help others who ask for help because I feel like my favors(intros, reccos, etc) were wasted on someone who is not grateful for the help. Tell me I’m not the only person who has been in this situation. Is there any way to nicely point this out to someone whom you have helped?

    • BeenThatGuy

      I understand that’s frustrating but you should never help someone with the expectation of them being grateful. Help because you want to. Not because you expect a certain reaction from them.

    • Spirograph

      No. Everyone complains about their jobs sometimes! Or at least everyone I know.

      The leaving within a year thing would bother me, though. Ultimately your recommendations are a reflection on you, so if you introduced an employee who jumped ship quickly, you’re justified in being upset — not because that person “wasn’t grateful,” but because they compromised your credibility. If this is happening so regularly, you might want to rethink your vetting process for deciding who is worthy of dropping your name for a job. I don’t see the point in bringing it up to the person you helped, but I would definitely not use my professional contacts to help him or her again in the future.

      • Hollis

        What vetting process makes sense though if someone is asking for an intro? Do I ask them how serious they are about pursuing the job? Whether they will follow-up with my colleague and turn down the offer in an appropriately professional manner if they decide they are not interested? I’m thinking about one person who is a friend of a friend and expressed interested in a position at my firm, met me and my colleague/head partner of the department that is hiring (at my request) and then total crickets after that. No “thank you for your time,” no sign of appreciation for my time or my colleague’s time taken to meet with her, nothing. I’m tempted to ask my friend (or even that person herself), WTF? We’re not talking about someone who is junior and inexperienced; we’re talking about a possible lateral hire as a partner.

        • Frannie

          I deal with this a lot. I think you have to somehow test their responsiveness to introductions at lower level before you make big ones. I’ve had friends who my gut told me wouldn’t be good to really go to bat for, so I gave them smaller “assignments” (like research this job posting/company and see what you think first) to see if they actually complete them before I’m willing to leverage favors from important connections.

    • Anonymous

      I think there’s a difference between complaining and leaving within a year. Leaving is normal. The average tenure at a job now is only a few years, and if the person stays a year and then moves on to something else, I’m not sure why you would think your efforts were wasted. Your company got a year of someone’s efforts and the individual got a stepping stone to something they like better. I agree complaining is tacky if it’s done to you, and I would be reluctant to have a continuing relationship with someone who was complaining to me about a job I helped them get.

      • Hollis

        One person quit a large law firm (where I have contacts) after exactly one year, with no job lined up. She was just miserable because she didn’t like being e-mailed at all hours of the day. But truthfully, she had been at another big firm before that (in a different city), and was being paid a lot of money, so I don’t think she should have been surprised by the long hours. Now she’s looking for non-law positions and she has a lot of time so she wants to meet up, grab coffee, etc. and I’m just not feeling it, but am not sure what’s the right thing to say to her.

        • Anonymous

          If she’s looking for a non-law job and wants to get coffee, is it possible she just wants to be friends? If you’re so annoyed at her about leaving that you don’t want to be friendly with her, then I guess the best strategy is just ignoring her. But I don’t read this as her wanting to network. Also, is it possible they treated her badly? If I helped place a friend at a job and she quit after a short period of time I’d assume the job was bad, not that my friend was flaky. But maybe you don’t know her well enough to have that kind of trust in her. If so, maybe think about raising your threshold for how good a friend someone has to be before you’ll use your contacts to help them professionally.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t understand what is offensive about quitting after a year when you hate the job and can afford to do so. It’s not a personal thing, right? Maybe she hated her job, though a different firm might be better, realized it wasn’t, and is pursuing a career change? Idk, I’d still be friends with her.

        • Mindy

          You’re not feeling it since the person doesn’t seem to know what they want/wasted your intro. That’s okay.

          Your situation makes me thing of the saying, “no good deed goes unpunished” because I often find myself regretting situations where I’ve “helped”.

  14. facial advice?

    Any recommendations for a reasonably priced facial in NYC that would also recommend affordable products? I’m getting married in 6 weeks and my skin has been looking kind of dull. I’m thinking I’d like to go in for 1-2 facials and use the same products consistently for the next 6 weeks to try and look “glowing” on the day. Advice?

    • Catlady

      It may be too close to your wedding day to start anything new. I know when I switch to a product and it breaks me out or irritates me, it can take a month to heal up back to normal. Maybe instead of a facial, ask your wedding makeup artist to use some illuminating products.

    • Anon

      The glow usually comes from good exfoliation. Don’t go to town on your face with a scrub. A facial is not a terrible idea 6 weeks out in my opinion though I’m not sure I would buy a whole new skincare line. I’d get an exfoliating facial (I personally prefer chemical exfoliation, like a light glycolic peel). Then use gentle cleanser and a moisturizer with sunscreen religiously until the day.

      Also, eat lots of berries and green veg. My skin looks so much better when I do this.

    • Calico

      Personally when I have a special event or photos being taken, I load up on fish oil pills a couple weeks before. Glowy skin. Never fails.

        • Katie

          I swear by Philosophy’s “The Microdelivery Peel”. It is super gentle (though I have skin like a rhinoceros so YMMV) and just helps give a bit of a glow. Ulta and Sephora both carry it. Definitely safe to use at home once a week or so. I especially love it in summer when my skin can get a little congested from sweat.

    • APC

      I always break out after facials since all the pores are open for dirt to get in. If you’re going to get a facial (and I think maybe just a good exfoliator is much better!), please only get one and get it now… don’t wait until too close to the wedding!!
      Also if you want a gentle daily exfoliator, I like Aveeno. Also – hydrate well for glowing skin.

  15. Merino Wool Sweater

    I’m in the market for a very specific style of sweater: midweight, merino wool, ‘boyfriend style’ V-neck cardigan. I used to get these from Boden, but they don’t seem to carry them any more, and my old ones are wearing out. Would like to buy 4-5 new ones. I know that J.Crew has them, but I swore off their sweaters years ago due to terrible quality (holes after two months) and I assume that’s still a problem. Any other recs? Willing to pay up to $125 or so if it’s great quality.

    I wear these sweaters most days of the week, so really hoping someone still makes good ones!

    • Anonymous

      You might want to give J.Crew another look – they claim to have had a rebirth this season.

      Ann Taylor had a couple this season.

      • OP

        Might try one of these, although I need a wider range of colors than black – grey. I love the idea of Everlane, though!

    • tesyaa

      Uniqlo is inexpensive, but the merino sweaters I bought this year are better quality than any I’ve had from Jcrew or BR

        • MKB

          Oh, I’m so glad to hear this – I have several of their merino sweaters in my shopping cart, but have been hesitating to pull the trigger because of concerns about quality.

    • Anna

      Halogen (at Nordstrom) makes some decent ones, but they only show up in in the fall, usually starting at the Anniversary sale in July. On sale, they’re ~$50 and hold up better than most sweaters I’ve bought, though they do eventually start pilling (after a year or two of regular use, but I still have some from 4 or 5 years ago that look okay). They’re far better than anything else I’ve tried in that price range, plus they come in petite sizes, which I need.

    • SillyValley

      Boden does do a seasonal switchover with their sweaters, so right now they’re offering the cotton and the cotton/cashmere blend ones. Once it gets closer to fall they will bring back all their wool and wool blends. (I notice because I don’t wear wool, so I have to buy their sweaters in the spring/summer even if I won’t be needing them until fall.)

    • Jennifer

      I’ve found something similar in the H&M Men’s section. For the record- I am very flat chested and tend to wear cardigans open, so the proportions worked on me but YMMV.
      I had a great one from Brooks Bothers a few years ago too, *sigh* before they went insane and stopped making basic, functional clothing items.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to trying the men’s department – I would even go so far as to suggest the Jcrew men’s section (rather than the women’s) I’ve bought both pullovers and cardigans from the men’s side and they’ve held up. I mostly got tired of the weird, trendy colors on the women’s side – I just wanted a plain navy cardigan.

      • Elizabeth

        What has happened to Brooks Brothers this spring? They used to be my favorite store but I couldn’t find one thing I liked or would wear this spring. And the prices went up, too!

        • Little Red

          Yup. They seem to be trying to be more fashion forward. Zac Posen is the new creative director for women’s wear. I don’t know what their sales numbers are but I definitely haven’t bought anything there since last December. I think I’m going to hit up their outlet this weekend and stock up.

    • Digby

      Talbots had merino and cashmere boyfriend cardigans the past two winters, in multiple colors. They probably don’t have any now (but I would still check their sale section just in case), but they likely will in the fall.

    • Lucie

      I see Madewell and Everlane recommended all the time on a fashion forum I frequent for this type of sweater!

  16. Anonymous

    Possibly dumb question, but when I googled, all the answers were 5+ years old.

    I’d like to turn off my work email on my iPhone on weekends and vacation. In settings > mail > that account, do I just toggle mail to off? And then I can toggle it back to on on Monday without any ill effects? Getting IT assistance is a bit of a pain at my company, so I don’t want to screw anything up too badly.

    • tesyaa

      How about just turning off notifications, if you can stop yourself from checking on your own? Often turning off notifications does the trick for me.

    • Susie

      Mine’s an android, but in my email setting I can specify the frequency I want my email to push. So for me I have it push every 10 minutes from 6am-10pm, and then only every 3 hours during the off-peak times.

    • rbk

      Yes! You can definitely do that. I do that every weekend myself. You just turn the email “off”, and back on Monday morning, and all of your email will show up as expected.

  17. Tinkerbell

    Any recs for a good extraction facial in NYC? Manhattan preferred. Thanks!

  18. meme

    I’d like to buy a simple, not-crazy-expensive but not cheap junk cubic zirconia pendant. Any recommendations where to look? I’m clueless when it comes to jewelry.

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