Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
These pull-on pants from Vince are a delightfully unexpected neutral. This bluish-gray “dark tide” color would look beautiful with black, white, or camel if you feel like playing it safe, or mustard, olive, or dark purple if you want to have some fun with it.
I would wear these with a black turtleneck and loafers for an easy, pulled-together business casual outfit.
The pants are $325 at Nordstrom and come in sizes 1X–3X.
These similar pants from Loft are available in regular, petite, and tall sizes and are $79.95 full price; code GOOD gives you 30% off.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Workwear sales of note for 6.02.23:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started! See our thoughts here.
- Ann Taylor – $50 off $150; $100 off $250+; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off purchase
- Boden – Sale, up to 50% off
- Cole Haan – Up to 50% off select styles; extra 20% off sandals & sneakers
- Eloquii – 60% off all tops
- Express – 30% off all dresses, tops, shorts & more; extra 50% off clearance
- H&M – Up to 60% off online and in-store.
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!); extra 50% off select sale
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 60% off 100s of summer faves; extra 60% off clearance
- J.McLaughlin – The Sale Event: extra 30% off
- Loft – 40% off tops; 30% off full-price styles
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty.
- Shopbop – Up to 60% off sale
- Sue Sartor – Lots of cute dresses on sale!
- Talbots – 25-40% off select styles
Other noteworthy sales:
- CB2.com – Up to 40% off; pop-up sale up to 30% off
- Joss & Main – Up to 60% off, plus an extra 20% off with code
- Tuft & Needle – Save up to $775 on mattresses (Reader-favorite brand; Kat really likes hers!)
- West Elm – Up to 25% off in-stock furniture; up to 60% off clearance
Cb
It feels like autumn where I am (gloomy with torrential rain this AM), what are you looking forward to in the coming season? What are you dreading?
Cb
Looking forward to: A workshop in Montreal, with a few days for exploring tacked on. And watching kiddo learn and grow over his first year of school – he is on week 4 and read his first sentences this weekend!
Dreading: I’ve just got lumped (with less than 2 weeks notice) with a truly horrific teaching load this year.
nuqotw
(1) I did some of the things. I submitted a paper to a journal. I sent a draft of a different paper to a coauthor.
(2) Kid 1 wants to cook (with me) for Rosh Hashanah.
(3) I am closing in on completing a paper / sending it out.
Anon
I’m dreading the fall leaf cleanup from all my oak trees.
Anon
I did my first leaf blowing this weekend, and already, there are more leaves down than before I did it. It feels relentless.
helloanon
Oh I feel this one. My lawn is absolutely carpeted with sycamore leaves. Such pretty trees, such a big mess year round.
Anon
How does this work if throw is also when we are supposed to aerate and seed? It seems like the fallen leaves get in the way and raking is disruptive. And yet I am tired of a mud pit for a yard. Help!
pugsnbourbon
I was not sad to leave my wooded backyard behind! God I hate raking leaves.
Anon
Looking forward to Christmas! Jazz-versions of xmas songs are on my daily playlist from last week of August. Cannot wait for having family around and baking xmas cookies. I have restarted yoga, I have signed up for in-person classes which will start in October.
Dreading: like a proper European, energy prices (only half-kidding) and going back to work after my sabbatical is over.
Cb
Ugh, the worst. We’ve basically stopped using the tumble dryer, cut usage, GOT solar panels, and our bills will still more than double at the end of October, and it could go up again in another 3-6 months.
Anon
Cool enough to go on hikes again with my big fluffy dog.
Panda Bear
+1 Love hikes with my fluffy dog.
Anon
Same!
Smokey
Oh, this makes me sad. My 14 year old dog can barely make it around the block these days. I used to love our long walks!
Anonymous
I know it probably looks goofy, but I highly recommend getting a stroller. My 14 year old rat terrier just adores having the wind in his face while I do long walks. I’ll sometimes walk with him at the beginning and he’ll signal to me when he’s ready to stroll. He still loves his adventures. (Choose one with big tires for best stability.)
Smokey
The stroller idea is lovely but my dog weighs 75 lbs.
Anonymous
Now I am imagining trying to put my 75-lb Golden in a stroller when she is 14.
Payal
Try a Radio Flyer wagon for your pup.it’s not so high that you can’t lift that big boy into it.
Anon
I am a bridesmaid in back to back weddings and I move the weekend before that starts (move Oct 1 and then weddings the 8th and 15th) so I’m looking forward to having no plans on October 22!
Other things I’m looking forward to: a half marathon I’m running in November, the NFL starting this week, my first business trip in years at the end of this month (the week before I move, of course), that when the semester ends in December I will be 1/3 done with grad school, the changing leaves, trying to eek out the last bit of summer this weekend at the beach, a fall hike, thanksgiving (my favorite holiday), hot toddy season, the fact that my new apartment is closer to several friends, our favorite bar, and my office.
Liza
Things I’m looking forward to about fall:
– Hallmark Christmas movies being in season!
– wearing boots
– dramatically bundling my coat around myself as a gust of wind catches me off guard
– FOOTBALL! College and NFL
– crisp air obv
Ribena
I still have my summer holiday coming up in a couple of weeks so resisting getting fully autumnal until after that!
Looking forward to
– recovering from covid which has finally caught me!
– my cute autumn outfits with little boots and skirts
Dreading:
– our new government here in the U.K.
– energy bills
Cb
Oh no, it finally got you!
I cannot with Truss. Her style of delivery is so bizarre and that whole “it’s right rich people should get more back” when people will LITERALLY freeze to death this winter.
Anon
Looking forward to enjoying my backyard area with my bf and a blanket without all those bugs every night. Dreading hurricane season, flooding, snow, shoveling, etc.
Anonymous
I’m dreading a mandatory three days in the office. I miss my cat. I hate work pants. Commuting exhausts me. It causes my anxiety to raise. It’s just so much more work to do the same job I do excellently at home. I’m looking forward to Christmas break.
Anon
+1. I had a really hard time adjusting to my forced 3 days a week in office. It still feels like a slog, months in. Good luck.
IL
Looking forward to: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. This is my favorite time of year! I picked up some early Halloween candy and a new bowl at the grocery store yesterday evening. If anyone comes across the Wiley Wallaby candy corn drops and wonders if they are good, I like them! They are not as sweet as actual candy corn and don’t have a black licorice flavor either.
Dreading: The amount of work travel coming up, with potentially four straight weeks away from home. Also, budget season and having to justify next year’s legal budget to the higher-ups.
Emma
I’m looking forward the birth of our baby girl, due sometime between now and October! And I for one am really happy with the cooler temps (being 8 months pregnant when it’s hot and humid is no joke). Also looking forward to being on leave, cozying up with the baby, and maybe talking some long chilly walks in the foliage with the stroller. I’m currently drinking hot chai tea and it’s the best. Baking apple pies and pumpkin muffins. Coming up with a cute newborn Halloween outfit :) Possibly fitting into some of my favorite sweaters and pretty wool coats, plus cute scarves for pattern. Not looking forward to picking leaves in the yard and the upcoming harsh winter with a tiny babe.
pugsnbourbon
It sounds like you’re going to have an amazing season :)
Anonymous
Halloween is my favorite holiday, so I’m excited. Plus, our annual friend group trip to the amusement park for their Halloween events is back on after being cancelled for two years.
anon
Looking forward to: Taking my kids to apple orchards and pumpkin patches. I am a basic B and own it. Fall candles. Cool weekend mornings outdoors. Playing in leaves in the backyard. Halloween (my kids are at ages when it’s actually fun and not just a giant hassle). Being at my parents’ farm.
Dreading: Work. It’s my busiest time, and I’m short-staffed. The world revolving around football season.
pugsnbourbon
Soup! I am a simple woman.
Experiencing the seasons change in a new place. Seeing snow on the mountains.
Vicky Austin
I miss the mountains heartily. Enjoy for me. And big yes to soup! Priorities!
Anon
Looking forward to: fall fun with my family; fall travel, especially a mother daughter long weekend with my preschooler in Vermont; cooler weather (I was visiting friends in the Bay Area this weekend during a crazy heat wave and am sooo ready to go home to temps in the mid 70s).
Dreading: a big annual project at work that has to get done by late November and always prevents me from fully enjoying Thanksgiving, which is (used to be?) my favorite holiday.
Anonymous
On October 1 of every year, a family of skeletons (including a dog) appears in our neighborhood and enacts a different scene each day. I sure hope they do it again this year.
Anonymous
OH. I wonder if I know where you live . . .
If so, my nearby neighborhood goes way overboard on Halloween decor and we get 1500+ trick-or-treaters to homes. But I am a holiday Grinch and never participate except as an observer.
Anonymous
You may know where I live except that my record I think is only like 500.
Anon
Looking forward to:
– Apple picking with my friends
– Attempting an apple pie from scratch
– Speaking on a panel at a large conference
– HOPEFULLY finally getting that promotion
– Boots and fall clothes (although I’m already rockin the not really short ankle boots today)
Dreading:
– Back to office a mandatory 3 days/wk
– Really cold weather
– SAD returning
Liza
Great call on apple picking! We have a pumpkin patch visit scheduled but have never done apples and obviously NEED TO.
pugsnbourbon
Apple picking is so fun but beware – very easy to accidentally bring home 16lbs of apples. My coworkers appreciated my excess.
Anonymous
It is 100 degrees in California and we are just starting our real summer season in the Bay Area. I’m looking forward to finally being able to use the pool!
Anon
Im looking forward to it being over! No A/C here in Berkeley, thought we finally did break down and buy a portable for our bedroom a couple of years ago so we can sleep during these handful of days per year!
Vicky Austin
Looking forward to cooler weather, the allergens all dying off, the end of the first trimester (next week, eek!), a quick trip home, and making all the yummy fall food.
Vicky Austin
Dreading: all the money we’re gonna have to spend in the upcoming months, yikes!
Nesprin
Bay Area- All next week is 110F weather and extremely high fire risk.
amberwitch
Looking forward to a long weekend in Hamburg in October – a lovely hotel with a great view over Alster lake, good food, exploring the city on bike. Also some family activities – celebrating a bachelor graduate, visiting babies that are becoming todlers, helping someone who bought a house to make room for an expanding family moving into it. All really nice and joyful things
Dreading is maybe too big a word, but once the days get really short I bike to and from work in the dark, which is kind of gloomy, tiring and feels a bit risky (more risky at least)
On the balance, a lot more I am looking forward to than dreading. Very thankful.
Anon
I will be on a panel at an in-person event soon. I have done many zoom panels but this is my first in-person one.
– what is appropriate attire for panel if event dress code is smart casual and audience are executives (some may be coming from work)? I am generally a more somber and formal person but basically I don’t want to stand out ina abad way.
– for a microphone pack, do I absolutely need pants or a dress with a blazer with pockets will do? it will be hot outside, AC inside, I was planning to wear a (non-suiting) dress with a blazer on top for the panel and then ditch the blazer. Does that fit with “smart casual”? If not, are dark wash jeans and a blazer too casual for anspeaker? I don’t understand dress codes any more :(
Cb
I like a blazer and a dress for a panel, as long as you aren’t sitting on a stage where people are eye-level with your legs.
I hook the mike pack to a blazer or dress pocket, and it’s fine. If you are sitting down, you can even just put it on our lap. I should have learned my lesson after a few years of doing live TV, but every once in awhile, I still have to unzip my dress and clip it to my tights.
Anonymous
Can you look up photos of the last couple in person events? Most people are wearing what they were in 2018-2019.
Ellen
You just need to look trim, neat, fresh and clean (makeup wise). Since the pandemic, I have largely given up mascara even tho the Judge told me in open court that I looked really great a couple of months ago. I did not know how to take the complement because opposing councill was also female and she did not get anything similar. The manageing partner just told me that the Judge was happy to get out of lockdown and the reopening of the courts was like a second Spring for him, since he only saw me on Webex for over a year. I am not even sure the opposing council was even before the Judge before so he probably had no basis for comparison. I think that in the end of the day, what counts is what people think of you, not just the way you look or dress. Good luck! You will do great with the HIVE sending clean and fresh thoughts your way!
Anon
I’ve done a lot of these. Usually a blazer is fine for the mic pack, but panelists are seated on bar stools an absurd amount of the time. I find it really hard to gracefully get on a tall stool in a dress, and you basically can’t move at all once you’re up.
I think jeans + blazer is fine. Another option would be non-suiting, non-jean pants and a white blouse, maybe with architectural details.
Liza
Make sure you’re aware of the seating situation before choosing a dress. If it’s a “coffee chat” style where you’re all up on a stage but sitting in armchairs, that can be very awkward from an angle/legs perspective. If you’re all sitting upright at a skirted table with microphones, less of an issue.
Cat
do you know you’ll be wearing a pack? All my panel experience is that everyone’s behind a table with a mic sitting on it for them.
in any event I agree with others to scope out your presentation before committing to a skirt outfit.
Dress-wise, sheath and non matching blazer is good. You could also go black pants + black shell with a non matching blazer for an easy look.
EB
I like the black on black + blazer idea. That’s cool! I try to wear something a bit brighter or unusual than my normal when I speak. I think it makes me stand out. One of my favorite outfits to speak in is navy wide leg pants and a fitted white 3/4 sleeve shirt. It works for casual and for official lawyer CLEs. Also, if you’re like me and tend to get a little nervous and sweat, machine washable is really nice! And I echo the advice above about finding out what the seating situation is!
Anon
Depends on how you’re miked. My sister wore a sheath dress to a Ted style presentation and the A/V guy had to get inside her dress to run the wire.
Grace
After getting a diagnosis for a sun-related eye condition, I almost always wear a wide brim sun hat and sunglasses when I’m outside. However, my current sun hats are pretty summer-y. I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions for wide brim hats for fall/winter? I’m in the Northeast with a relatively cold winter so warm material is a plus. Thanks!
Cb
Ooh I love a hat. Some sort of wool or tweed floppy hat? I’d probably do something with a brim in front, and neater in back. Fabhatrix in Edinburgh has gorgeous hats and I bet if you emailed them, they’d offer some advice.
Anon
Look at Nordstrom, they always have fall/winter hats with wide brims.
Anon
plus a sale right now
Anon
Men’s wool baseball cap on sale at Everlane, adjustable and the comments say that the brim is longer than usual.
Anonymous
Look at the felt hats at the Sungrubbies website. I love that brand because my head is giant and their hats are the only ones that really truly fit me!
anon
Thirteen48 Heights on Etsy for fall hats
anonanon
I have a Stormy Kromer women’s hat and get lots of compliments on it https://www.stormykromer.com/the-petal-pusher-cap/
Grace
Thanks, everyone!!
The Lone Ranger
Late. But several bloggers and IGers are showing off this one: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-wide-brim-felt-fedora-hat-universal-thread/-/A-85725536?preselect=85703141#lnk=sametab
Anon
Great pick…I live in wide-brimmed hats and purchased this one. Thank you!
Anon
Today is the first day in our Phase 2 RTO. Previous policy was 2 days/week of your choosing. New policy is everyone in Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Of course it is just torrential rain today… I’m glad it’s raining because we desperately need it but man commuting in this is the worst!
I didn’t the last year or so coming in 3-4 days a week but always skipped gross rainy days because who wants to walk 1.5 miles in that? Needless to say, I’m cranky!
Anon
Just based on the comments so far this morning, as well as conditions outside in my location, it “seems like it’s raining all over the world.” Commisseration.
Anon
*Commiseration
OP Anon
Which, thank goodness! It feels like there are droughts everywhere, except Pakistan. Which is its own terrifying thought.
Ribena
It was grey and rainy this morning here (Edinburgh) but I can see the sun peeking through now
Ribena
Strike that, rain and thunder now!
Anon
California will take some of your rain! It’s still over 80 in my no AC house this morning, and it will continue to be uncomfortably hot for the rest of the week. Kinda wishing I had an office to go into today…
SFAttorney
Same here. It was over 80 inside when I tried to go to sleep last night. Not used to that!
anon
100% agree. Gross weather commutes are the worst! We are also back in the office, but flexible on which days we can come in. Purposely not going in today because of the rain, except rain in the forecast all next week it seems so I don’t think I have a choice next week. Not sure how we all used to commute daily even in terrible weather…
Cb
I did the school run in torrential rain this AM. To wet to cycle, but I ended up wearing my ridiculous cycling cape and sending kiddo in waterproof trousers and wellies. Hoping he doesn’t get told off because they aren’t uniform approved but I didn’t want him to have to keep track of two pairs of shoes, we have enough trouble with uniform cardigans.
OP Anon
In the US so I know it’s different but I went to a private school that was strict about uniforms. We’d get “boots” days for inclement weather when we were allowed to wear boots instead of our uniform shoe. In an area with 4 seasons so had plenty of rain, snow, and mud that it seemed like a sensible policy.
Of course, the first demerit I got was for wearing boots on a non boots day.
Anon
That’s crazy! I wore a uniform for seven years of private school but they never policed what outside clothes we wore. In Canada, so we had to wear boots and winter coats for a significant part of the year and the most important part was being warm.
OP Anon
You could always wear boots to school but on days without inclement weather you needed to change out of them. This is when Uggs were first big and basically we all used boot days to not wear weather appropriate footwear but to wear Uggs
Cb
Oof, I’m American and new to this whole UK uniform thing and I just don’t have a sense of how strict they are. Think they have bigger fish to fry, a group of girls got sent home last week for getting bunch-ems stuck in their hair!
Anon
What are bunch-ems? I don’t know if I am clueless because I am in the US, or clueless because I don’t have little kids.
DC pandas
Oooh! What cycling cape do you have? I’ve been feeling the need for one this AM!
Liza
Seems tough to start this on a Tuesday that is truly a Monday because it follows the holiday weekend! Sending you good vibes.
OP Anon
Right?! Also it’s the first day of school for most schools here…
Anon
Do you work at my company? LOL same situation here although the mandatory days technically starts next week, I think.
Anon
Help me with my words here. A kid in an activity I help run asked me to write a letter of recommendation. I really have nothing to say that is positive and I’m surprised to be asked. Except for one thing: one parent can mess with my future at work. I know I need to gracefully decline but I want to word it to bring the least risk of retaliation. The letter should be confidential, but I don’t dare fill it out candidly and don’t want to be dishonest. Even a “meh” one would probably bring backlash. Small towns are tricky.
test run
Before you decline, I would respond to the kid asking for more information about what you’re recommending them for (if it’s a college, “why are you interested in this college? what do you want to study?” or if something else “why are you interested in x? what skills do you want to learn/what do you hope to contribute?”) and then see if you could cobble together at least a lukewarm recommendation based on that information. If you really can’t, then I would honestly make up something like “sorry, I have already been asked to write several recommendation letters already and don’t have time to do this before the deadline” or something similarly vague. But I tend to err on the side of just doing these, even if awkward.
nuqotw
A letter of recommendation for what? And what activity? I would try to decline based on role / relationship so it’s not about the kid. I would say something like “Typically a [person in some other role*] is a more appropriate recommender. As much as I’d like to help you a letter from someone in [my role] won’t carry much weight.”
*My hunch is you’re being asked to write a college recommendation and you are not the kid’s teacher in any class but rather involved with some extra-curricular activity. A letter from a teacher is appropriate for a college recommendation. I’m concluding from your post that you’re not a teacher since declining to write letters is par for the course in that job.
Anon
This is worth a shot, but I think there’s a good chance it’s not applicable, as there are lots of things that require letters of rec from people who are NOT teachers. I recall needing these for several scholarships I applied to in high school and I know it’s common for graduate programs to require letters from professionals who supervised volunteer hours or shadowing. I’m a professor and feel it’s part of my job to write letters. I feel like the same thing applies to anyone who supervises students or employees in any other way, as OP apparently does. Obviously you’re not required to write a good recommendation and would usually advise being honest about that, if it weren’t for the parent thing, but I think you can take the path suggested below and document what they did in your activity while remaining neutral about them personally. It depends what the letter is for, but in some cases that might be sufficient- they’re just looking to document participation.
nuqotw
I’m also a professor and consider writing letters part of my job, but I do my best to avoid writing them when I have something actively negative to say. I agree that there are some times when the best thing to do is to write a neutral letter.
Anonymous
Just write the letter. Ask the kid what they would like you to highlight.
Anon
Yeah, unless the kid is actively awful it’s no skin off your back. Nobody will grill you about why this kid you recommended isn’t a superstar. Kids are still figuring it all out and it’s fine if they’re not overachievers. Talk about their interest in whatever the thing is, what the activity is about, and it’s good enough.
Anon
This.
Liza
Does the activity by any chance have a policy against you writing LORs? If it’s through or related to your employer, they may have a policy along those lines you can use as an excuse.
Another way to gracefully decline would be to say you don’t feel like you know the child well enough to fill out the recommendation and wouldn’t be comfortable. If the activity has lots of kids in it, you could lean on that, saying that you were always so busy supervising the whole group that you don’t think you could speak specifically about their child and wouldn’t want to give a subpar recommendation as a result.
Liza
Just had another thought to add: Sometimes a way to work recommendations like this is to generalize it by describing what the activity is or what the organization does, not the kid themselves. “Children in XYZ org learn the skills of A, B, and C, and we participate in D and E community activities throughout the year.” Even if you don’t like the kid, if you can truthfully say they did D and E (even if obnoxious while doing so), that’s relevant info you can provide as a recommender.
Anon
I would normally think it’s possible to write an enthusiastic sounding letter that doesn’t actually vouch for much. There’s a reason recipients read these letters carefully! It’s not a great custom, but it is a custom.
So I would be more worried about the backlash from not writing the letter than about the backlash from writing the letter.
Seventh Sister
Honestly, recommendation letters are a custom I hate because some recommenders are more skilled at fancy language than other recommenders. I’ve seen people get penalized over lukewarm wording from a recommender who isn’t effusive about anyone in any scenario, while others get really helpful recommendations because the person who wrote the recommendation is a skilled bullsh*t artist / doesn’t know what to say and is happy to sign a recommendation letter drafted by the applicant.
If I was in this situation, I’d write an enthusiastic recommendation that highlights the skills the student does have, so truthful but upbeat. Recommendation letters are rarely the only piece of someone’s application, so it’s likely something else will tank their candidacy if you think they are truly unqualified.
Anonymous
This is hard. In academia, these word choices are heavily coded and scrutinized (“I give her my recommendation” vs. “I give her my strong recommendation” vs. “I give her my most enthusiastic recommendation”) but everyone is more or less ‘trained’ in how to do this appropriately. In other industries it can vary widely IME.
Anon
OP here. This is a letter for a governors school where many kids will apply and be competing against each other for slots from our area of the state. And GS is seen as a big plus on college applications. We have sent kids before, but a more direct contact is usually involved (I am a bit new). The thing is, this kid is very disruptive and disrespectful and always brings the drama. I can imagine other kids not even wanting to go to GS if this kid was known to be going and the last project this kid was supposed to help lead s/he quit midway through after yelling at people. Like I am shocked that the kid would even reach out after that. My guess is that the parents don’t know the full story but giving this particular kid any endorsement seems almost dishonest. “They are abusive to their peers and are unreliable.” Maybe there were no better options? But this feels icky all around. Also, the kid want me to hand over the letter vs mailing it myself, so it almost seems like a set-up.
AnonMom
You definitely don’t hand over such a letter, and I would write it but lean into the “what a tremendous opportunity for student to learn professional norms GS would be for them“ type of statements.
Anon
“I have a policy that I always send my sealed recommendation letter directly to the recipient, rather than the candidate. Please let me know if you would like me to write the letter to be delivered directly to xx. It would also be helpful if you can describe what activities you participated in while doing yy activity that would be pertinent to your application, as well as what skills ….”
Anon
I’d check the website for this. Every letter I’ve written in the last decade or more has been submitted electronically, either by email or through a website.
Cat
Why not ask the kid to do a list of the bullet points he thinks reflected well on him while he worked with you?
Def don’t hand over the letter, but force kid to think about the experience.
Anon
Curious how old the kid is, and whether they have any neuro diversity that you are aware of? Could be that the pushy parent is pushing this, and they don’t have anywhere else to turn.
Anonymous
Neurodivergency isn’t an excuse to be abusive towards your peers. ND people can and do behave, especially women and POC, society just gives grace to white men to act inappropriately when they shouldn’t.
Anonymous
This times one million.
Boise
“ND people can and do behave”
We’re talking about kids here. Kids tend to act like a-holes in general. It’s ridiculous to think that a kid still learning to manage their social deficits and emotional regulation issues is magically going to “behave” and really unfair to judge them on that inability.
Anonymous
The “governor’s school” makes me think it is Virginia. If it’s a year-round program, the candidate has a right to see the letters of recommendation unless the candidate/family waive that right in writing. I don’t recall whether that’s the case for the summer programs. The high school year-round and summer programs are a big effing deal and it’s a huge disservice to the other participants to have a kid who is not serious there, so it’s important not to give an iffy candidate top marks on the quantitative scores and to write a narrative that is neutral at best.
To those saying kid may be neurodiverse, if that’s the case then he should be seeking recommendations from teachers or activity leaders who know him well enough to be aware of the neurodiversity and how it affects his behavior.
Anonymous
Don’t give the letter to the kid but also don’t ding the kid for asking. My mother insisted that I ask all my recommenders to give the letters to me. I didn’t know any better and she used to be a hiring manager so I thought she would know professional norms. Fortunately my recommenders were always gracious and kindly let me know that the institution would likely require them to send it directly, but they would sit down with me to get my thoughts on the letter.
conflict disclosure
I think if you do write something, you would have an ethical obligation to disclose the potential conflict of interest given your work relationship with the parent. It’d be appropriate to let the requester know about the disclosure so they can find someone without such a conflict.
That way, it’s not at all about the kid personally, but rather about a situation that makes you a conflicted recommender.
Anonymous
This isn’t neutral. I would 100% read that as this person is trying to get out of giving a rec for some reason. It’s far kinder to beg off for this reason or some other at the requester level and let them find someone else.
Nesprin
You say, I’m not sure I can write you a strong letter- if you still want me to write it, please give me a list of things you’d want to highlight.
Anon
The parent can mess with your future at work AND the kid needs to see the letter first? Your choices are to run this by HR or someone in your company (your boss?), decline citing ethical issues, or write a very bland letter and cite the conflict of interest.
Boise
If you have nothing nice to say, you just need to decline. It’s not fair to the kid to write a “meh” or bad recommendation. If they asked you, they obviously thought you had a good relationship or opinion of them. It seems a little strange that they thought that but you don’t have a single positive thing to say. Maybe their negative traits are so frustrating that it’s overshadowing their positive traits in your mind?
Anon
I have a much younger sister. We were comparing instas over the long weekend. Hers is all girlfriends posing in bikinis or on beaches and eve rug girlfriend (but no guy friends) commenting some version of “U so pretty.” I am not sure the guys even post much from what she said. Me, 17yeats older, gets likes from both genders and few comments and my feed usually isn’t selfies but food, home projects, pets, road trips, and babies. I can’t say why I find this so wild but I did. I think she did also.
Anon
I’m not sure what the problem is here. That sounds pretty typical for Gen Z.
Anon
Yeah I think this is a good snapshot of Gen Z, and honestly it makes me cringe. Do they have no self-awareness? They have grown up with insta and I honestly think it’s going to be a generation of narcissists. I’m a millenial and my generation hasn’t totally escaped from this, but I can at least remember a time before smart phones and definitely before social media. My own account consists of very infrequent pics of my kids (on birthdays etc) and an occasional insta story of my kids if they did something really cute. Most of my feed is people’s pets, babies, food, vacations, etc. Hardly anyone I know would post a pic that was clearly intended to be se*y. Even when I had an insta-worthy bikini body, I would have been so embarrassed to post something intended to flaunt my body. I give them a little bit of a pass because they’re teenagers, but I don’t think that explains the whole phenomenon.
Anonymous
What’s wrong with thinking you look gorgeous and sharing that? Cringe to be such a judgy prude.
Anon
If it is your only attribute, life will just get rougher and rougher. Maybe filters will get better and better?
Anonymous
Why would you think using a platform designed to share pretty photos means that is your only attribute? Honestly so weird.
Anon
Exactly this. When I was in my teens, I knew that looks would fade and that it was far more important to develop brains, personality, and friendships than to focus on being hot. No one goes through life with unending praise of their awesomeness, and it’s better to learn sooner rather than later to not need validation from others of how amazing or hot or whatnot you are.
Anon 2.0
But… they’re not teenagers? I think Gen Z starts around 97, making the elders 25.
Aunt Jamesina
I’m 37 and I remember plenty of social media posts like this by some people when I was in college, albeit less curated since we had crappier cameras and no filters (Facebook in the Olden Days, so it was group pics of young women in their going out tops complete with the Sorority Arm, of course).
I think this is more of a function of your social group and age than it is generational.
Anonymous
I am 36 and notice this with my niece who is 23! All the photos on her Instagram are of her in outfits, mine are good/pets/places or me with other people.
Anon
I’m concerned that the younger generation puts so much emphasis on looks thanks to Instagram and people like the Kardashians and reality tv where everyone looks perfect. It’s all fake and I wish they would realize they don’t need plastic surgery and Botox and fillers at 21. It seems way overboard compared to when I was in my 20’s.
Anonymous
Yes. Last week I found myself in a nightclub with a bunch of people between 21 and 30 and I was absolutely shocked at how much surgery, filler, botox, and air brushing I saw. Some of. the women did look stunning but I wondered what they’d look like without that and how much time and money they had devoted to it
Anon
I wonder about this. Like the woman I saw on Dr Phil or Oprah who had been married for a while but her husband had never seen her without makeup. He really loved her and it isn’t like she had scars or anything that you might feel better hiding. She was just stuck on appearing a certain way even if it meant never sleeping in.
Anon
The lips always get me. They are always like Lisa Rinna, who I love btw, times 10. They don’t look very good and it’s obviously fake! Then the lip filler migrates up and has to get dissolved with I hear is incredibly painful.
Anonykins
What’s worse when you see it at work in a very staid, conservative office. Kardashian-level makeup does not look good in in-person meetings.
Anon
My husband gets creeped out by this but doesn’t want to de-follow the nieces who used to post duck and kitten pics but it is all bikini pics now that they are older. I guess parents are all OK with this or have just given up?
Anon
Ugh I’m 27 and I don’t get the fashion or social media use of my college age cousins. I was no nun when I was their age but looking back on my college pics, we were definitely less provocative.
Anon
I think most young people aren’t really in a place where they have much else to share, hence all the pics of themselves. I didn’t have a house, pets, kids, or impressive vacations when I was young. I mostly worked out and shopped a lot.
Anon
A friend donated a kidney — maybe nothing that monumental but donating blood or going on a hike? Some people have an insta resume that is like all consumption.
Anonymous
Oh my god why are you such a drag. Instagram is for pretty. That’s it. I don’t share like a snapshot of me doing something good at work or being kind. People on here be sounding real old today.
Anon
There is pretty outside of bikini pics, obviously.
Anon
And what’s wrong with old? It’s not like we didn’t have pretty girls back in the dark ages, but only the most vapid made it their identity.
Anon
I do see some pics of scenery or what they order at brunch. But to be honest, I’d rather see pics with people in them.
Anon
I do think it feels a little narcissistic, but it’s also unreasonable to expect them to post pictures of their kids, pets, expensive meals, nice houses, and fancy vacations- they don’t have any of those things! Talk about lack of self awareness…
Anon
I get that but I see it also. There is no “OMG so bored” or “at the mall” or “what is in the Amazon package today?” It is all over the top and pics from fancy places that are the parents or grandparents beach house. Very aspirational and IMO a bit too highlight reel.
Cat
I’m happy to just see a highlight reel tbh. Why would my friends be posting random stories talking about how bored they are? Remember the days when people would update their fb status constantly “Cat is… eating lunch” and how awful that was?
Anonymous
Are y’all just discovering Instagram today? I’ve never seen such an out of touch series of comments.
Anon 2.0
Yes! For a progressive board, the pearls are being clutched extra tight today!
No Face
Yeah, I find this pretty hilarious. When I was a teen, I was really hot, put effort into being hot, and knew guys were j**king off to me. This is absolutely what my Instagram would have looked like if it existed at the time, even though I was also an academic overachiever.
Anonymous
What I don’t get is that people are putting these provocative photos out there intending them to be used for that purpose, and then in the next breath claiming that no one should ever comment on or even notice anyone else’s body/appearance. You can’t have it both ways. Don’t objectify yourself and then complain that others are objectifying you.
Anon
Right? This is hilarious, and I’m 42.
Aunt Jamesina
This out-of-touch aspect of this thread is kind of hilarious, NGL. But I find it alarming that many are blaming young women for emphasizing appearance rather than on the society that perpetuates it. Come on.
Anon
That is what Instagram is…
Anon
Omg am I doing it wrong? Mine is like 90% my dog.
I am not in a bikini next to my dog, for the record.
Anonymous
I’m 28 so I’ve had instagram as both a youth and an adult, so this is my perspective. When I was younger I posted a lot of selfies because tbh I didn’t have much going on. It was just constant work and school to keep my head above water paying rent in my crappy apartment. Now as a working professional I have a house and projects, and just so much more going on because of the breathing room a salary affords.
Anon
Late 20 something here: I am also confounded by the social media habits of teenagers and young 20 somethings! Mostly that almost everything they post are, for lack of a better word, thirst traps or wannabe influencer pictures. When I was their age, I also only posted pictures of me and my friends (which is still mostly what I post – no kids, house, pets and sadly limited travel) but they were normal group shots.
Anon
I’m 41, and I’ve dated several men in their mid to late 30s who have complained that my Instagram is not hot enough. Lol. When I’ve checked out who they’re interested in, it’s a lot of women in their mid to late 30s who post provocative photos. I think they can/should post whatever they want – no shade from me. (They do look hot!) But it’s not who I am. So, it’s not just young teens anymore.
anon
Wait. What? Grown a$$ men are saying this?
Anon
It’s hilarious to me that people think young adults weren’t obsessed with looks before social media came along.
Anonymous
They were but they didn’t have the same access to mountains of fast fashion and collagen injections or tons of photos normalizing these things.
Anon
+1
Back when I was in high school 12 years ago, we posted a lot of group pics in fun outfits to social media but there was no body modification involved. Just some clothes from Forever 21, blue eyeshadow, overly straightened hair.
PLB
Right. And I WISH I had more photos of me posing in bikinis when I was younger and hotter!
Anonymous
I’m concerned that women are going backwards in our effort to be treated as equals. I know these young women are posting for each other – I’m not suggesting that they’re trying to be alluring for the male eye – but they are really naive about how their images are being used for male consumption. It’s not even like the pageantry of dances or clubbing where girls look pretty and dance together while men creepily hang out on the fringes. They’re giving men access to their images at all times of night and day. There’s something about “we’re taking s!xy back” style feminism that feels an awful lot like misogyny.
Anonymous
Totally, totally agree. I am heartened to see that some feminist writers are beginning to push back against this toxic lie that women have been sold in the guise of “feminism.”
Anon
Thank you. Half od this thread sounds like “the cool feminist case for thirst traps” and it is weird.
Anonymous
Yep, totally the cool girl syndrome. I can eat five hot dogs and drink three beers at the baseball game without throwing up, yet I remain impossibly slim! I can talk sports statistics with exactly the right level of understanding to be entertaining without threatening the guys’ superior knowledge! I am totally into whatever kind of no-commitment hookup guys want because I am modern and free!
Aunt Jamesina
But one person’s “thirst trap” is another’s “here’s me having fun on the beach with my friends”. I don’t think we gain anything by criticizing young women here.
Anonymous
I’m not criticizing young women. I am criticizing the society that has tricked them into believing that it’s empowering to create and share photos that objectify themselves.
Anon Gen X
I am old enough to remember the criticism Millennials got for documenting every detail of their lives on social media. (Here is my breakfast! Cool coffee art! The constant stream of LOLs and text speak.) Of course I can also remember being a member of the designated slacker generation.
Gen Z is no different. They are no lazier, no more (or less) narcissistic (and BTW most teenagers are), no more or less obsessed with looks. The only difference is that you are now the Boomers and Gen X’ers.
Welcome to adulthood. You are now old enough to complaint about the youth of today.
Anonymous
Nah. Things are different. My gym now has an “Insta wall” where people take selfies. There was no taking pictures of oneself doing a normal daily workout in years past. No one was arching their back across a weight bench to get a great photo in years past. And this is just one example from my very boring life in which a step-and-repeat is a rarity.
H13
The thing that stands out to me is the performative nature of the posts. Regardless of what someone shares, how they dress, what they do to their bodies, it is this artifice, this performance, that I see. I first saw it with much youngers cousins in college in the past few years. Everything felt staged. Everything felt designed to post to these channels rather than for enjoyment. I’m a young Gen X; it just feels foreign.
Anon
I need a gut check on deciding if we should part ways with our realtor. Our 6-month agreement with him ended on 9/1, and during that time he represented us on three offers – one we lost out on outright; one where our offer was accepted and then terminated after lots of drama with the inspection, then we offered again once it was relisted and the sellers did not accept because we didn’t offer appraisal coverage after waiving inspection; and then another when our offer would have resulted in the same cash-in-hand to the sellers but the offer picked included the buying agent waiving 3% commission.
I recognize that the issues above really aren’t the fault of our realtor at all, but the two really strange situations above combined with what we’ve perceived as a general lack of advice has just bugged us. For example, we’d ask him what to do about A vs. B, and he would describe situations A and B to us then not provide any insight on what to pick. Or more specifically, on the last house we tried to buy, we were deciding what to do about asking for the playset in the backyard that was listed as negotiable, and we said we’d offer $1K for the playset, and then he came back and said that the swingset was probably $20K to install and to not bother. We saw the buyers list the swingset on the local mom-to-mom site for $800. He also just hasn’t had a good sense of the market, it seems — but our kids know each other, and we see each other at the same swim club in the summer, so it’ll just be an awkward situation for something we can’t quite put a finger on but aren’t happy with. Ugh!
Anon
This is the biggest financial transaction of your life. Part ways and find a realtor who’ll provide more insights/guidance. Just be friendly next time you see him socially and the awkwardness will dissipate in time.
Anon
In this case, it’s business and I’m sure he wouldn’t be too dazed about you switching after 6 months. My bf is a realtor and for him, it’s just part of the job. However, they do have to walk a fine line of giving you advice but letting you make all the decisions.
Liza
If you’re not happy with this realtor, terminate! I’ve had great success with Redfin realtors as a buyer (but in a buyer’s market), and you get 1% cash back! That can also serve as a hook as to why you are going in a different direction, i.e., “We just got a recommendation for Redfin and the extra $X after the transaction is too good to pass up!”
It’s hard to know from what you describe whether your realtor is really doing anything wrong – the playset conversation does seem bizarre, you were right about the market value of the playset. It makes me wonder if he just wasn’t sure how to put together an offer with a separate price/sales term for sale of a chattel and so just didn’t want to bother.
anon
Realtors are a dime a dozen, and I say this as a real estate professional. It’s common place. If it’s not a fit, move along. It’s business at the end of the day and you need to trust your gut.
anon
Switch. We were with a realtor for a few months (late 2021 at the peak of the market) and had multiple offers rejected and sometimes our agent couldnt even get us a showing. We switched to someone else who was very very well connected within the town’s real estate market and one of our first offers with her got accepted. She knew the details on all the local listing agents and their quirks. If you’re in a competitive area, look at recent zillow listings to see who is the buyer’s agent. Use one of the ones that show up the most.
Anonymous
You gave the guy 6 months, you’ve been more than fair. I don’t think he’s really expecting you to stay with him indefinitely. Just say you appreciate his help SO MUCH but you want to branch out for a bit and you’ll keep him in mind for the future.
No Face
Contract expired, so feel free to work with someone else.
Vicky Austin
If you’re free to go, then go! We got stuck in a 12 month agreement with a terrible realtor and I wish every day we’d read more closely. Don’t waste your time.
Shelle
“He also just hasn’t had a good sense of the market, it seems — but our kids know each other” Please heed my cautionary tale of woe. This was me a few years ago. I’m convinced I don’t own a house right now because a family member pushed their inexperienced friend onto me as a realtor and the situation blew up. This person had no idea what they were doing in a tough market. They saw me and my partner as easy commission money so they fibbed about their knowledge and experience. After a ton of unnecessary stress and wasted time, we decided to stop looking and I am still angry and very sad about it all and the market has only gotten tougher. I’m now trying to spread the gospel to only select realtors with direct and extensive experience in the market you are shopping in. Ask the next realtor up front for a list of houses they have actually closed on lcoated in the neighborhood(s) you are looking in. If they can’t provide that information, move on. Good luck!
OP
Ugh – I feel for you. Thank you for this perspective.
Anonymous
I went back to school shopping with my daughter (10) this weekend and she fell in love with the longline sports bra/leggings look. Where/how does a ten year old wear that stuff?
I’ll post a link for a visual but if we buy the set I told her she needed to have a plan where to wear it. To sports practice with a top over it? To school with a slouchy/baggy sweatshirt?
Anonymous
A 10-year-old? Nowhere except maybe cheer practice if she is a cheerleader. My 15-year-old wears that look to the gym and to lounge around the house and that’s it.
Anon
I think if you’re okay with the outfit, then yes wearing it to a sports practice would work. I’d advise against wearing to school even with something over it.
Anonymous
OP here- I think that’s just it. It was on display at Nordstrom with the back to school clothes but is really obviously not school appropriate. But what is it for?? ;).
Anonymous
For the ‘gram, of course! Just like so many outfits for adults that don’t make any sense and are not wearable in real life (hello, Reformation!).
Anon
If she wears it to school “with something over it” when she leaves home, presume that it will be worn without that something over it the second she is out of sight. That’s the look she likes and she will achieve it if she can.
Anonymous
I don’t think a 10 year old does wear it. I would find something more versatile for her day to day.
Anonymous
Doesn’t “with a top or sweatshirt over it” negate the look that she fell in love with?
Not that I’m advocating she wear the look she fell in love with (far from it; I’d ban everyone from that look, were I I Charge, which I’m not). Just that, if you tell her she can wear leggings and a baggy shirt instead, it’s probably not going to satisfy her.
Anonymous
OP here. I think she just likes the matchy-matchyness of it. But when I pointed out she has no place to wear it, she agreed. Came here to see if the “look” was just “wear out in public and for some reason they make this in sizes 5/6 7/8 and 9/10 for young children” or there was some way to style it for young kids that I was not aware of :).
Anon
I’ve seen middle school girls wear crop tops (longer bra tops, I guess?) with just a hint of their belly button showing, and maybe a cardigan or loose button down over it. Maybe gymnastics class?
Anonymous
Most gyms require leotards and permit fitted shorts. No crop tops or leggings.
Anon
i think this is one of those looks with a mini version of a look that is meant more for adults, and i do not think anyone should be wearing this to school. personally i wouldn’t wear it at all, but i do see women running errands dressed like that, so maybe she could wear it on the weekend to the playground? but i personally probably wouldn’t want my kid running around dressed like that
Anonymous
OP here- I think that’s right. She won’t be wearing it ;). And to be fair to her, she just liked it in the same way she likes 2-piece bathing suits. Didn’t think about where she’d wear it!
Anon
I’m no prude but I don’t think it’d an appropriate look for a ten year old. What about leggings and a matching full length workout top?
No Face
I’ve seen 10 year olds wear a long line with baggier running shorts and it looked fine.
Anonymous
For kids/teens I think the key is to wear either the tight crop top with baggier bottoms or the leggings with a full-length and/or less fitted top, but not leggings + crop top together. In real life I only see the crop top + leggings look on adult women at the actual gym.
A
My ten yo wouldn’t wear cropped anything….maybe in middle school?
Nora
I don’t have a solid single friend group, but I have a lot of separate friends. I’m also definitely usually the planner.
1) Is it weird to invite friends from different groups, where all the people there either don’t know each other or only know each other through me? Everyone gets along, has a lot in common, similar personalities tbh, etc
2) Is it annoying if I invite people to things more than they invite me? I don’t have a problem with it, I don’t mind if they say no because everyone has busy schedules, but I want to get a group together to do XYZ and now that I think of it this works pretty well for that.
This is probably just middle-school-style-insecurity, but I’m nervous that since the text is “Sarah would you want to go to X brewery this weekend?” people might not want to hang out 1-on-1, or since that I’m the one starting a lot of plans it comes off as clingy.
Obviously these are really basic questions but literally who else am I going to ask.
Anon
My two main groups of adult friends are people I met as a friend of a friend! My college friend, A, invited me out to happy hours and weekly bar trivia with her local friends when I moved to the area. That group kind of fell apart over time/changing circumstances but I still see 4 women from that group regularly.
Through that group I met B who introduced me to her college friends who live in our city. I now see this group without B more than they see B! I still see B from the first group and one on one.
So yes- if you think a one off friend might get along with other friends definitely worth the invite!
Anon
I think you’re portion a great friend and connector!
it’s hard for people to make friends as adults and so most people would love you for #1. it will increase your network and you may be the subject of a wedding toast thank you one day… it a connection to your dream job.
I think as long as you tell people when inviting them that something is group or just time for the 2 of you to catchup that’s perfectly fine.
and if you are in NYC/NJ area, I’d join you 😉
Anon
probably not portion!
Nora
I’m in NYC – email me at lacemed233@nicoimg.com ! (It’s a temp email address)
Anon
Same as far as NYC/NJ area! So hard to make friends.
Anon
Definitely not weird to invite friends from different spheres to come together! I’ve made some good friends when other friends do this.
Also, it’s totally fine that you do more inviting. People are often relieved when they don’t have to make the plans.
In your case for the brewery, I’d just say something like, “I’m getting together with a few folks on Saturday at x, and I think you’d love them! Want to join?”
Whenever I invite someone to a gathering where there will be others, I always let them know just so they’re not surprised to arrive to random people. I’ve never had this be an issue and I do it a lot.
Anon
I have a similar set of friends. A lot are geographically dispersed given the schools I went to and jobs that I’ve moved around for. There are also a few near where I am.
I think it is perfectly fine to do just as you’re planning. Whenever I go visit someone, I also make a group plan for anyone else I’m friends with in the area so that I can see as many people as possible. They don’t all know each other and it works really well.
Typically, I’m an initiator as well. People often get texts from me asking if they want to hang out over the weekend or whatever. It’s fine. It shows that you care. Just be mindful of their general life and whether it would make sense for them. Obviously, the friend who just had a kid isn’t likely to go to a concert a few hours away but they may be able to do a brunch depending on how soon after the baby. That type of thing.
Lydia
I would at least give a heads up on #1… I have a more extroverted friend who’s always trying to play friend matchmaker, and sometimes it gets a little annoying (and/or feels like she’s trying to optimize everything, including her many friendships). Also, hanging out with multiple people who don’t know each other is just a different vibe; usually it’s lighter and more surface — this isn’t bad, but it’s different from a one on one hang, which might get more personal. Also, if your friends keep making gracious excuses to miss multi-friend hangs, they might just prefer not to hang out in this format.
Anonymous
1) Depends on the event. A party at your house? Absolutely invite lots of different people. Your birthday party (or any other party to celebrate you)? Also cool. But like a random Sunday afternoon hanging out at a winery? It would be a little weird, unless the stated point of the get together was to introduce people.
2) I’m a Planner but I also have a lot of anxiety so I have this mental block about reaching out to friends and especially acquaintances to do a thing. I’m happy to research and plan and get tickets if someone reaches out to me though! So I really appreciate people who initiate!
Boise
I think that most people would consider you the ideal friend! I personally love feeling that my company is wanted by my friends – I would only consider it clingy if you take declines poorly or if you’re asking very frequently and not making space for their personal lives.
Anon
Looking for a fall/winter bag recommendation… I have a canvas tote with lots of interior pockets that ended up being my spring/summer MVP but the pattern is so bright and summery I don’t want to carry it any more. It’s a shoulder bag, 17x11x5, a bit slouchy; there’s about 5 good-sized interior pockets which makes it so helpful. Any suggestions of where to look? Thank you!
Anon
Madewell or Cuyana for leather totes.
Anon
I have to recommend rolling cases, again. so much better than schlepping!
Anon
Rolling cases aren’t practical for many commutes!
Anon
You bring a rolling case to the office on a daily basis? Not just when traveling?
Anonymous
one of my colleagues does and she picked a very chic one. she looks very classic using it and has recommended ot others. rest of us are tired of bags!
we have car and or train commutes.
Anon
I would rather shlep than use a rolling case – very frumpy in my opinion
Cat
terrible for a city commute, though. So many curbs, gross puddles, both easier to avoid without a wheeled bag around, plus cutting off other pedestrians with your trailing bag.
Anon
Cuyana tote. Get the insert if you want more organization, but it’s heavy and takes up a fair amount of room.
Jo March
Just FYI that they just changed their totes at Cuyana. I was drooling over the classic leather zip tote and had finally saved up for it, only to find that they no longer sell it and have transitioned to something called the easy tote.
Cuyana Leather Zip Tote
Jo – it’s coming back in the fall! See their website :)
Jo March
Yay!!
Anon
I have a FEED tote I got from a Causebox years ago (will pop up if you Google FEED Tote Causebox). In many ways it’s the perfect bag (size and pockets) but is too casual for my work place so I use it as a gym bag and a beach bag. Would recommend it to you!
The Lone Ranger
Can you find the same bag in a more wintery color scheme? If it works well for what you need, why mess with success?
H13
I’d love to know where your summer tote is from. It sounds perfect!
Anon
I should have specified, it’s really my casual and weekend bag (though I have brought it to my non-formal office). The brand is Amy Butler, and I got it on Poshmark for super cheap, and ended up loving it… but can’t find a similar one sadly! I may look on Etsy!
anon a mouse
I had an Amy Butler bag years ago and would advise you to look at MZ Wallace. Their designs are somewhat specific, but they have incredible interior and exterior organization I haven’t seen anywhere else.
Anon
I love my MZ Wallace bags. So light and well organized.
Anonymous
has anyone here set up a donor-advised fund for charitable gift giving? at what level of networth or income did you feel comfortable setting one up?
Nyc
I use one as a vehicle for my normal charitable giving levels. The main benefit from my perspective is the ability to donate off appreciated stocks and get a tax deduction for FMV, without recognizing gain. Goodbye fossil fuel stocks!
Anon
Ooh, following! My financial advisor recommended this as an option this year because a job change/deferred comp payout led to higher than usual income this year (which will drop again next year). He identifying two options that required $5k or $10k contributions to start up, but in other articles I’ve seen $25K to start mentioned.
Anon
The other benefit is that you only have the one receipt for charitable giving (the donation of the stocks). I did it primarily for tracking purposes. I use Vanguard, which has a $25k minimum.
Anon
I didn’t set one up until I had my nut fully covered and felt like I was ready to turn to larger charitable giving. That said, YMMV. It’s super convenient to track even very small donations such as museum memberships. I probably would have done it sooner if I’d understood more about how they work.
Anon
I have one, with Schwab. I think it was $20k to start? I aim to give away a certain percentage of my takehome salary every year, which usually works out to $5-15k, and I like that with the DAF I can sort of time the market when I need to refill the pot. I also like that it’s super easy to set up recurring donations, which a lot of smaller orgs find more helpful anyway. Before I set up the DAF I would end up giving a lot of money in December, to hit my annual goal, and this way it’s spread out more across the year. Also, it’s a very user-friendly interface, and most importantly it lets you give anonymously so your name doesn’t get sold on a mailing list and you don’t get such a huge stack of mail asking for money all the time.
Anonymous
Are investors the only buyers who waive inspections on real estate? I just lost out on a 100-year old house because the other offer waived inspections. I’ve heard the same happen to a lot of friends lately, too. When I was buying my first house ~10 years ago I heard about waived inspections a lot because those first time, newer, lower maintenance houses are often good investment properties too. I’m surprised to see this happening on properties that are very much not in a first house/rental property price range. Are these flippers? Or are regular people who want to live in the house also waiving inspections?
Cat
yes this has been a thing for over a year.
Anon8
I personally know two people who are first-time home buyers and waived their inspections. One of them wound up finding a ton of issues after the close, so it’s definitely risky, but they felt they had to waive it to be competitive.
Anonymous
They are regular people who want to get the house.
Bonnie Kate
It’s a risk to the buyer for sure, and an incentive in an offer to the seller because it was nice to have one less thing to worry about as the deal was getting done. I think regular people are doing it more often in competitive markets. When we sold our first house in 2017 we received multiple offers and accepted one with inspections waived from regular people who wanted the house for their primary residence. It wasn’t a new house, but we had done a lot of updated in the 9 years we had lived there and I kept a spreadsheet of every house improvement/repair we had done, and printed it out and had copies at all of the showings on the kitchen island.
Anon
It became the norm here for regular people post Covid.
Anon
Depends on your market, but in the Bay Area inspections have been waived for years and years by yes, regular people. You just budget for having to fix something.
Anonymous
Don’t most lenders require an inspection? I’m so curious how people are accomplishing this!
Silicon Valley
I’m in Silicon Valley and it’s been common for at least a decade for the buyer to waive all contingencies.
The seller may have their own inspection done that they present to potential buyers before the buyers make an offer. So, the buyer and lender have the benefit of some inspection, though clearly there’s a conflict of interest since the inspector is working for the seller. I’ve never heard of a lender having a problem with the lack of buyer-side inspection. The vast majority of the value of the property is often in the land.
Anon
No
Anon
Appraisal yes, inspection no.
anon
This. I’m in Boston and same here. I sold my house in 2015 and 2019 to buyers who waived inspection. I’d say two thirds of our offers didn’t include inspection contingencies.
I have had friends buy houses and pre-inspect – ie: pay an inspector to walk through during the open house or a private showing prior to submitting offers. It’s can’t be nearly as thorough as a regular multiple hours long inspection, but you can get to the most expensive or flagrantly terrible stuff pretty easily and quickly.
Anonymous
In this seller’s market many people are waiving inspections, unfortunately. I just bought a house and we didn’t waive the inspection, but we agreed that seller would not make any repairs, so following the inspection we only had a right to back out entirely or accept the issues that were found. Not ideal. I really do hate this market.
Liza
Please keep in mind that the only significance of waiving inspections is that if you back out of the contract, you lose your earnest money, rather than having a contingency that allows you to back out freely. You can’t be forced to buy the house regardless, and often I’d think a buyer would allow inspections, just no contingency. So buyers who waive inspections are just putting a few thousand bucks of earnest money at risk and losing the right to negotiate repairs. That seems like a reasonable gamble in a seller’s market.
Anonymous
That’s interesting. How much earnest money is typical? Is it a percentage/proportional to the sale price? When I bought a decade ago I think I put just a few thousand but more recently I’ve been asked to write a check for $10k. That’s real money, not just a few thousand that I’d be willing to part with.
Leatty
Depends on the market. I just moved from a MCOL in one state to HCOL in another. In the MCOL, the norm was 1-2% of the purchase price, and in my HCOL, it’s at least 5%.
Liza
Depends on the market, but IME 1%.
Anon
It was fairly normal in the hot market of the last several years. Not sure where we are now, but no it’s not only for investors.
Nesprin
No contingency offers are 100% a thing in the Bay Area. Typically seller provides inspections pre- listing so you have some coverage, but we put in one no contingency offer that we lost out to another buyer who offered 100k more, and won our house on a no mortgage or appraisal contingency with a 4 day inspection period.
Smokey
This has been the case in my daughter’s market since COVID. One work around is that they have made a second visit to houses they liked accompanied by a home inspector who is able to give them a rough sense of potential problems just by looking the home over.
Anonymous
I waived an inspection, I’m a normal person in that in bought my house to live in and not as an investment. I was comfortable waiving the inspection since my father is a contractor and I’m very handy so we looked at everything thoroughly before putting in an offer.
Anon
This – if you’ve crawled around a lot of houses, it’s pretty easy to spot problems. I’ve yet to have an inspector point out something I didn’t already see. Usually I catch a lot more because I’m the one putting my money on the line.
anon a mouse
Friends who just closed on a 100-year-old house brought an inspector with them to the showing. He did a walk-and-talk inspection that was supposed to identify any major red flags that would torpedo the deal. They then were able to waive inspection in their offer, knowing that there were some minor things they would have to fix but that they wouldn’t have been able to negotiate in this market anyway.
anon
This is market specific. Here unconditional offers (so no inspection) have been the norm for a long, long time, but they aren’t absolutely essential. Practically speaking, no seller would actually repair anything found in an inspection or take money off the purchase price, so you are mainly buying the ability to back out if you get a crazy inspection report back.
Assuming you have some basic knowledge on houses, I’m not convinced an inspection shows you much that walking around when you see the house would not. For instance, we were buying a moderately-maintained 1950’s ranch. When touring the house, I looked for signs of dampness in the basement, repaired water damage from the roof, approximately how old the shingles looked, signs of structural settling, had the electrical panel been replaced, etc. etc. etc. Inspectors don’t have xray vision, although they can do things like get in the attic for a look-see, or scope a chimney, etc. I’d 100% buy another house without an inspection, knowing that life is long and full of repairs…
Anonymous
Houses where we live have crawl spaces. It’s worth hiring an inspector just for that.
Anonymous
Or they “waive” the inspection, but get an inspection before putting in the offer.
Anon
My husband and I did this as well for our house, and that was in 2018 (which we thought was a hot market!). We then did a walk through after our offer was accepted where we brought along a “family friend” who just so happened to be a contractor. He pointed out a few small things, but didn’t see any significant issues of concern. It also helped that our city required a city inspection that was public record, and nothing in it concerned us.
Anon
for those who are caregivers or going through cancer or invasive medical conditions. or about to give birth:
I thought I’d add these products (I get no commissions) that have been useful for us:
chucks or green pads – these have a thousand uses for nearly everyone. we use in car seats and to pickup any bladder accidents. we also use in bed to pickup overage with pure wick….
pure wick – external catheter for women allows bed bound, post surgery or limited mobility women to urinate without sitting in puddles of pee. we laugh at the nickname pee pickle but it’s basically a gentle vacuum collection with a rubber pickle filled with bandage wrap. keeps women dry and reduces uti for population above.
gownies – cute medical style gowns that allow for easier medical visits, skin to skin contact after delivery, snaps instead of ties. they can be used in CT and PET and radiation machines, are adorable and you’re wearing your own clothes for about 25$ per cotton washable gown.
adjustable beds – craftmatic style! we bought 2 XL twins / split king from Am. azon for about 1k after way fair bodged up order for a month. we used a brand called (something with an S?) and sons. exceptional for bad backs, post surgery, radiation mucus, migraines, etc. one of the best purchases ever!
foldable wheelchair $100 and fits in convertible car trunk. no waiting for a chair and no one else germs.
hope that helps.
Anonymous
I’d add a wedge pillow. It makes it SO much easier to get out of bed if you’ve had any sort of upper body surgery. Don’t know what I would have done without it after my cancer surgery.
Also, if you have any bad scarring while healing, talk to a derm sooner than later. They can give injections that will flatten the skin far faster and better than scar tape alone will.
Anonymous
Is there a way I, a straight lady of 42, can dress for a gay club in a way that somehow reads lesbian? I am having doubts about my identity and would like to appear open to women.
Anonymous
I’ve never had much luck picking up someone at a club, I feel like everyone is there with their GF. Dating apps are probably better. Good luck!
pugsnbourbon
Whatever makes you feel good + doc martens :)
No Face
You are a much better source for this question, but I glad my initial thought was correct!
Anonymous
Thanks but they are spendy! Hoping for maybe something a little easier on the wallet?
pugsnbourbon
Fair!
Really queer style can be almost anything. I will say that short hair does a lot of the heavy lifting as noted below.
Here’s a very in depth article that breaks down many varieties of queer fashion: https://www.outcoast.com/lesbian-style-the-ultimate-guide-to-lesbian-fashion/
Anonymous
Thank you!! This is so helpful
Anon
apparently lesbians have great style because this straight non curious woman has written all of these things at some point and I’m often told I have great style.
Deedee
Docs are great! Make sure your nails are short and make plenty of eye contact and you’ll seem open—queer ladies look like all kinds of things :)
Anon
There’s a tank top from target that is all over lesbian tik tok (high-ish neck, arm holes cut in a bit.) Maybe that!
Anonymous
As a straight lady with short hair who has had a lot of unfounded assumptions made, I would say cut your hair.
MagicUnicorn
+1 to this, but be prepared for wild reactions from conservative, hateful, middle-aged white dudes if you go there.
Anon
This sounds like a feature, not a bug.
Anon
+100
Anonymous
I’m looking for a look for the club not a permanent one.
prenup?
I am considering getting a prenup and interested in the Hive’s experience with them and suggestions/recommendations for finding a lawyer.
For those who were considering a prenup, why did you decide for or against it and how did that work out for you? For context, my fiance and I have been dating for many years, no family money, property or debt on either side. We have some difference in liquid assets, but not terribly significant: I have 500k+ while he has 100k+. Income-wise, I make almost 2x what he does, but he has the more stable job. We both live in California, which is a community property state, though we may move to another state down the road. If you were in my shoes, would you get a prenup?
Also would welcome any suggestions for how to find a decent, cost-effective lawyer to draft the prenup. I originally thought my fiance could do it because he is a lawyer, but apparently that comes with enforceability issues.
Anonymous
You need two lawyers and obviously he can’t be one of them. And it will cost real money.
Cat
yes, I’d do one in your shoes, but obviously your fiance can’t draft it! ultimate fox henhouse situation there.
Anon
Depending on where you are in California, Senior Attorney’s husband could give you a referral.
In your shoes, I would draft a prenup, even if that prenup simply reflects California law. Technically, your premarital assets are yours; however, you cannot commingle them nor use marital property to maintain them, or they become community property. Fighting about it in court is expensive and hard – just say that your $500k is yours and his $100k is his. Figure out what to do with income earned during marriage. Consider what happens if either of you need to or want to take a step back if/when you have kids.
Senior Attorney
my husband can actually do it. or refer you. hit me up at seniorattorney1 at gmail.
Anon
Prepare for a smug married post here, but I personally saw my own desire for a prenup as the red flag I needed to end bad prior relationships. My husband and I are lawyers, had unequal net worth entering the marriage, but we are lovers not fighters. We talked about what we’d do in the event of divorce and came to a gentlemen’s agreement on our own (not formalized, not enforceable, obviously). It wasn’t worth it to us to spend the money on a prenup given our actual relationship. So I think it’s a YMMV issue and if you’re feeling the need beyond it being conventional wisdom, I’d assess the marriage first. And my advice is very different if there are kids from prior relationships involved.
Anon
Hahaha what. You’re an attorney and you’re on the “our marriage is good so we don’t need a prenup” ride at fantasyland? A gentlemen’s agreement?
Please, no one listen to this.
No Face
I don’t have one either so judgment there, but please don’t fool yourself into thinking that your gentlemen’s agreement means anything.
Anon
Honestly what part of “not enforceable obviously” leads to the conclusion that I think it means anything legally. Of course it doesn’t. But I do think it’s absolutely possible to marry someone who honors their words.
Anon
Most of us who are divorced thought we were marrying someone we could trust too.
Anon
You were right, this is smug married.
If a divorcing couple felt the same way as they did before the wedding, then they wouldn’t be divorcing.
Anon
This is definitely smug married post that was not needed! If you think you may need a prenup and can afford it, 100% get one!!!
Anon
Okay. So glad that any perspective not yours isn’t welcome.
Anon
You said smug married person post. I am strongly agreeing with you that it is a smug married post. You are essentially saying anyone who thinks they may need a prenup should reconsider getting married. That is such a juvenile and unrealistic point of view! You’re lovers not fighters? Give me a break! You’re lovers until things change and I’m sure you’d fight like hell for your 401K or any other asset of yours alone. Seeing a need for a prenup is not a red flag. It’s being a realistic adult. Things change, people change, etc.
Anonymous
This is so smug married (coming from someone married to their highschool sweetheart). A prenup isn’t based on how great a relationship is NOW, it’s a contingency for how someone might be at their worst in the future. This is how women get screwed, they’re to nice and trusting, but men with money just treat a prenup as essential non negotiable business.
Anon
neither of us are attorneys we didn’t but could have used an attorney but did do a prenuptial. I asked for it with the approach of “I want all our paperwork done ahead of marriage” which includes wills etc. husband had few assets and was very happy to agree. it is in a safe, electronic copies exist.
10 years this week, not smug, not turned out the way we expected but happy with each other. we’ll take all the kind wishes you have please ; ) wishing you good luck and happiness together.
anon
What? Good lord please ignore this. That’s like saying if you’re thinking of buying insurance then you need to assess why you expect expensive incidents to happen. Everyone thinks they’re marrying the love of their life and will manage to be civil should the worst happen. Spoiler alert: people can become nasty when they’re hurt and angry. If your marriage is great then after you sign your prenup you’ll never think about it again. If things go south you’ll be grateful you have it. Other than the one-time expense, what’s the downside?
Anon
I say this as an attorney who does not have a prenup: LOLOLOL. “But we are lovers not fighters.” Last time I heard that one was from someone who hired the most expensive law firm in town months before walking out on her spouse and draining his account when he was on a business trip.
Anon
I decided against a prenup although I made more than my husband and had more in savings. The reasons for that were (1) he was a few years behind me professionally and I was (rightly) anticipating that the difference in our income would pass; and (2) we were planning on children and I was quite aware of how much of a hit I was likely to take professionally.
One thing I encourage people who are planning on a prenup and also planning on children consider is how they will handle it if one parent leaves the workforce for any significant amount of time. We had twins and they were premature (not dangerously but I was more comfortable keeping them home for longer than I would have otherwise and there were a LOT of doctor’s appointments). In the end, I went part-time which leaves me largely dependent on his income for the next few years.
Liza
400k in liquid assets not terribly significant…? What?
Anyway, we didn’t bother with one, and my thinking was if we get divorced, the experience will be horrible anyway, so whatever. Plus we TRULY had no assets – not “oh just 400k-600k NBD,” but both of us had negative net worth at the time.
Anon
I am married to my second husband after marrying and divorcing my college boyfriend. Yes, we have a prenup. It’s a fairly simple one – we keep our own 401ks and no one gets alimony – but it’s been peace of mind all these years (20+). If you’re both adults about it and the agreement is fair, there should be no hard feelings on either side. It’s a smart and practical thing to do.
Anonymous
One of my family law friends said she’s seen a lot more post-nups lately, generally when people buy a house. Something to think about.
Anon
I would 100% get a prenup no question! You both need your own lawyer and need to divulge all assets/income/etc. Since you make double I would consider paying for both lawyers since I’m assuming you are the one who wants the prenup. No downsides to getting one except the money but in the event of a divorce, I prenup is invaluable!! Also an attorney here.
Anon
If you decide on a prenup and there is any possibility of children, be sure you consider what will happen if one person leaves the workforce for any substantial amount of time. The “no alimony”, “everyone-keeps- their-own” standard prenup is fine until one spouse (usually the mother) leaves the workforce or goes part-time because billable hours and 3 kids under 10 do not go together.
It can also be a problem if one spouse becomes disabled but that is less common.
Anon
I just did this — I have an elementary aged child from my last marriage, went through an awful divorce and I have inherited money plus retirement savings (similar to your NW) and my partner has minimal savings and lots of student loan debt. It ended up costing about $8k for my lawyer and $6k for his. We chose to keep everything separate except what we intentionally make marital property (ie by depositing into a joint account or putting both names on a title), to waive alimony, to waive automatic inheritance rights (ie our wills control). The reason it was so expensive is because of a lot of time spent hashing out small details about real estate and how a separation would go.
I also had a “gentleman’s agreement” and “a good marriage” the first time around, and it took me 2 years of therapy to feel ok enough to date after my horrible divorce that left me with nothing except my retirement accounts (I had to borrow 10k from a friend to be able to afford to move out). I’m incredibly confident in the strength of my new marriage but I wouldn’t delude myself into thinking that a divorce would be anything other than horrible.
It’s a lot of money but I think of it as protecting “future Anon living through her nightmare”, not my current self.
Anon
This is exactly why I’m so in favor of a prenup regardless of how great your relationship is right now.
anoncat
Curious whether anyone has DIYed a prenup where both parties are lawyers. In this situation now with my fiance.
Senior Attorney
don’t donit unless you both are family lawyers. otherwise it’s like a podiatrist trying to do a tummy tuck.
anon
I got married this year without a prenup. I understand all of the arguments in favor of them, but it came down to this: I didn’t know what I would want in a prenup if I were to get one. And if I couldn’t identify what was important to me, I figured that having a prenup that locked me into an arrangement that didn’t make sense for me would actually be to my disadvantage.
I think a lot of the advice of “get a prenup!” has the benefit of hindsight on what posters fought over. It’s almost impossible to guess at what would be the sticking points in my own marriage at this point in my life.
anon
Oh NOOO I emailed a woman back about a job I really want. She was the screener and I spelled her name wrong! Kicking myself
Anonymous
blame auto correct with a note that you noticed after it was sent and wanted to respectfully correct.
Good luck! : )
Jo March
I did that by mistake in my last job hunt – I still got the job! As soon as I realized, I followed up with something similar to
“Dear [CORRECT SPELLING}, After sending my response, I realized I spelled your name incorrectly. My apologies, and I will remember the correct spelling moving forward.”
I think how you handle a mistake like that is worth more than ignoring it. But I also don’t work in Big Law, so YMMV.
Cat
I think this is a good suggestion, and even more so if you are applying for a detail-oriented or writing-focused job.
Anon
That’s the worst feeling, but also there’s likely not much you can do now (other than try to avoid doing it again). It’s also a Tuesday after a long weekend, and she may not even notice. FWIW, when I’m hiring I forgive typos/minor mistakes as long as the person otherwise seems like a good candidate.
pugsnbourbon
+1. I assume an autocorrect flub unless there’s evidence to the contrary.
Shelle
When I’ve done this in the past, I’ve immediately sent an apologetic follow-up email addressing it directly. Something like “Hi X, I’m so sorry I spelled your name wrong below!” It’s stressful but it happens!
Spending Less
Thanks to the poster(s) last week who recommend “A Year of Spending Less.” I read it over the three-day weekend and now I’m really inspired to look at my reasons for spending, see if I can identify areas or priority and areas to cut. I loved how the book dealt so much with emotional spending. This was a great read!
Notinstafamous
This sounds interesting but I can’t find it! Do you happen to remember the authors name?
Not OP
Maybe the one called Year of Less? Cait something?
Walnut
Cait Flanders
NotInstafamous
Thank you!
BelleRose
Recommendations for scentless dry shampoo? Have used dry shampoo in the past, but the hairspray-y or floral smells gave me a headache. Medium brown hair, if that matters. Thank you!!!
Vicky Austin
Not Your Mother’s Clean Freak!
Anonymous
The Bumble & Bumble Pret a Powder is just a powder (as opposed to an aerosol) that doesn’t have a scent. I really like it.
BelleRose
Thank you! I will try both!
Anon
What would a good layer be for this dress? I’m planning to wear black suede Blondo boots – can I wear a fitted leather jacket? High 50s.
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/broken-dot-print-dress/7089385?color=BLACK+%2F+WHITE&country=US¤cy=USD&utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=seo_shopping&utm_channel=low_nd_seo_shopping
Anonymous
What color is the leather jacket? And where are you going in the dress? My concern is that the stark contrasts could be a “harsh” look (the heaviness of the black suede boots and the heaviness of a leather jacket contrasted with the flimsy dress and lots of bare leg). But, depending on where you’re going and your personality, it could be perfectly fine. (It wouldn’t work on me; I would feel “off” in it and not like myself.)
Anon
Thanks! It’s a black jacket (although I also have a pale pink suede jacket and a grey suede jacket…perhaps I have too many jackets). I’m also super short so it’s actually not as much bare leg for me. Any different ideas for layering? I’m open to different shoes too. I just don’t want to be cold!
pugsnbourbon
I think the leather jacket would look great – but would the dress sleeves get bunchy? it’d look fine, it just might be uncomfortable.
Anonymous
The dress is cute, but I find puffy sleeves impossible to layer.
Thoughts
Definitely. Cute!
Anon
depends on occasion but great dress and rock it
Lowe's is the Worst
Just venting and a psa to anyone who is doing a big project. I ordered semi-custom cabinets from Lowes to redo my kitchen. They have bungled it so badly. I just found out they messed up my original order, “forgot” to apply the promotion pricing, and are now saying they won’t fix it. I didn’t catch the pricing error because the total cost was within a few hundred dollars of the estimate. Turns out, they left out a major component (the countertops!) and without the discount it just happened to come out about the same. I am absolutely livid today.
pugsnbourbon
That’s shady AF. if you’ve got the time I’d call and keep asking for the next level up until someone fixes the pricing.
Anonymous
Call main headquarters not the store. Be firm not angry.
anon
will business travel return to 2019 levels?
Anon
I don’t think so. My husband and I both traveled for work in the Before, but now his only travel is for speaking engagements and critical personal interaction. Mine is only to visit my far-flung team. The days of hopping on a flight from NYC to Chicago for a one-day in-person negotiation seem gone from our respective worlds, except for the most critical deals.
anon
thank you…I did national travel extensively right up to March 2020….did that for so long that my brain still thinks this is temporary and we will be ramping up the travel soon…..feeling like that is just not happening. I had 2 meetings (workshops with multiple participants) in other cities cancelled last minute by customers. Will I eventually get used to this?
Anon
+1 my husband regularly visited clients for his software job, like 2x/mo. Now it’s all done remotely. I think the clients aren’t willing to pay for in person visits now they know the work gets done anyway.
LA Law
My guess is mostly – although I think the number of courts that will not allow remote attendance will continue to be quite low. There are intangibles to meeting in person that will eventually outweigh the cost savings. (And I suspect most employers are more focused on cost savings than Covid at this point.)
Anonymous
Mine is.
Anon
seems like it is for DH. including for silly networking type events. he is literally flying across the country next week to go sailing in rhode island at an event. this week he is traveling for a meeting and in two weeks for a company offsite. the best thing about Covid was the lack of travel
Anonymous
Speaking for myself, no. It’ll come back some, but as a lawyer, remote depos are here to stay, at least in part. We’ll still travel for some, but definitely not all.
Anonymous
Yes, for us it has. We have a lot of international partners and people are just over having zoom calls in the middle of the night to account for timezones so we are being flown to in person meetings again.
Anon
I’m an in-house lawyer and I don’t anticipate I’ll ever travel as often to participate in mediations or watch a depo in person, when doing so by video has the same effect. There may be key meetings or other reasons to go in person, but I can’t imagine flying out, staying in a hotel, and spending a day essentially by myself in a conference room … when I could instead mediate the case via zoom or phone.
Anon 2.0
I’ve never traveled for work but my husband has not seen the level of pre-pandemic trade shows returning yet.
Bonnie Kate
Different data point, all of our industry trade shows have returned to pre-pandemic levels. In 2022 all of them have been back at the same time and location and “normal” formats, while in 2021 we had a bunch that got moved around and were still in different formats.
anon
For me? It’s doubtful. But for my colleagues in sales, it already has. And judging by the unavailability of hotels to hold a small conference at this fall, there are plenty of in person meetings happening.
anon
I think it may across the travel industry, but not necessarily for specific individuals. As more positions become work-from-home and teams are spread out, there may be more situations where day-to-day stuff is handled remotely, but the whole team travels to a central location once a quarter. I don’t think we’ll return to the days where an individual needs to be at every single meeting in person because that’s just the culture.
Anon
Depends on the industry. My husband is an academic and conferences are back to 2019 levels. He’s giving more virtual talks for sure, but they’re not replacing in person talks. They’re extras that he wouldn’t have had time or budget to do in person pre-pandemic. But it seems like a lot of industries are permanently scaling back.
Anon
If you’re not into celebrity stuff keep scrolling.
Ok I woke up to Pine-Styles Spitgate and I cannot figure out what’s going on because I missed the moment and now it’s all memes. What’s the beef?
Anon
Omg all this drama!! Makes me like Harry Styles a little less! I dislike Olivia Wilde. She comes off like a pick me girl. Sounds like the set of this movie was not pleasant.
pugsnbourbon
I can’t believe she lied about the Shia LaBeouf thing when she recorded herself begging him to come back! I was really looking forward to this movie but now not so much.
Anon
I thought he recorded it or she left a voicemail.
pugsnbourbon
Oh that’s possible. I might have misunderstood.
Anonymous
I saw it on insta. It’s a video and appears to be her recording herself leaving a message.Check out talkofshame if you want to see and get a concise version of the whole background. She captured it all pretty well.
pugsnbourbon
Here’s a comprehensive rundown:
https://www.pedestrian.tv/entertainment/dont-worry-darling-drama-explainer/
More Sleep Would Be Nice
100% – I loved Booksmart but Olivia Wilde is a pick me girl, with an added twist of “OMG I was SUCH a nerd as a teen and just was soooo into school and books!”. Like, no…you were not. Stop it.
Also I don’t even care about this movie but am HERE for the goss.
Anonymous
She’s queen pick-me it’s so cringe that she’s so desperate.
Anon
That’s the question. Everyone is wondering whether Harry spit on Chris as he (Harry) was about to sit. There was a reaction to *something* by Chris and Olivia (seated on the other side of Chris) also had a minor reaction.
This movie has so much drama associated with it. It’s been years since some good juicy celeb drama. Personally, I’m loving it. My personal theory is that Harry and Olivia are no longer together and that she and Chris maybe are. IDK.
PLB
OW’s and Miss Flo’s stylists have gotten into the fray. Lol
anon
omg link pls
Anon
She and Harry are definitely still together. He’s referenced a lot in recent filings in her divorce case.
Anon
Doing a big renovation and looking for feedback on things I should include. Planning on a big mudroom and big pantry and just visited a friend who had a coffee bar in her master bedroom so definitely adding that to the list. What else should I have?
Cat
Not having giant showers. I’m glad we insisted on smaller ones. The huge ones are either super wasteful (water, energy) or super cold thanks to too much air movement!
but a lot of this is personal. Having a coffee bar in the bedroom would 100% be a waste of space and money to me, but if you are constantly running to the kitchen for more coffee to drink upstairs, it would be good for you!
Anon
i don’t know what ‘giant’ means, but we have a sizeable walk in shower and i love it, though i don’t know if i’d call it giant. i also would not want a coffee bar in the bedroom, unless i had a housekeeper or someone else who would keep it stocked for me and deal with the trash and cup washing, etc. bc it would feel like another thing to do. personally, i don’t understand the HUGE primary bedrooms. i like the idea of a larger primary bedroom with a nice closet, but i’d rather have an extra room to use as an office or an exercise room than necessarily in my room. the ones with doors to the ‘sitting room’ portion i prefer. Sink in the laundry room and space to hang dry clothes and ideally a window.
Cat
any larger than “big enough to comfortably shave in without contorting yourself” I tend to get too cold in. But that’s not “the look” at the moment. So I said, no we don’t need those 3 more feet of shower space, and put in more storage.
Anonymous
So, I agree with everyone on the giant showers get cold. I saw an episode of this old house a few yard ago and they built a big shower, but put radiant heating behind ALL the walls, and this helped to avoid the cold shower issue.
In my dream house, I would have radiant heating everywhere. I am always cold.
Anonymous
A utility sink in the mudroom. Ideally big enough to put your dog in.
IL
A house that went up for sale in my parent’s neighborhood had a dog grooming room by the garage with a separate backyard entrance, stainless steel table, dog grooming tub with custom plumbing, and floor-to-shoulder height tiling. The room was about 10′ by 10′ so it couldn’t really be converted to anything else if you didn’t have a large dog.
Vicky Austin
We looked at a house in the North Dakota boonies that had a dog wash station in the garage. I’m still thinking about it.
Anon 2.0
Outlets! Add more than you think you need. Pull out drawers/shelves in the pantry would be at the top of my list as well. I’d also splurge for custom built ins for the mudroom.
Anne-on
Storage, storage, and more storage. Think ahead and use a designer who understands your lifestyle – I stalk Studio Dearborne on insta because she does SUCH a good job designing kitchens/mudrooms/pantries that work well and don’t just look pretty. If your mudroom has room for it – a utility sink, a place to hang clothing, and a place for folding laundry would be fabulous. If you entertain – another dishwasher, a prep sink and a beverage drawer would be my picks (I’d go for a butlers pantry over an enclosed pantry as these features seem more common in those spaces). If you have small kids maybe think about designing a space for them to use as they’re older and want to retreat with friends.
Enjoy!
Sunflower
We’ve been working on plans for a summer house and definitely have a coffee bar in the main bedroom. I’m not sure that I’d put one in a one-story house but definitely in a two-story. And a small refrigerator, too, for the coffee bar.
One of the most important things to me is a nice covered outdoor space with comfortable seating for tea in the mornings and a glass of wine in the evenings.
I wouldn’t get a huge bathtub because they can take too long to fill.
I’ve enjoyed having a paper shredder in the closet next to the trash and recycling containers. Junk mail goes right into the shredder.
If your code permits it, lots of electrical outlets in closets, pantries, and garage. So many household devices need charging.
Anonymous
Also doing a big renovation. Some thoughts:
1) Think a lot about storage and how you use your house. In the closet, think about not just hanging storage but shoes, bags, jewelry, scarves, winter coats. In the bathrooms, think about towels, extra toothbrushes, toilet paper. This stuff is a pain in the butt but really important.
2) Built in bookcases are essential, somewhere.
3) We are putting in a second refrigerator and second dishwasher right next to the backyard (though inside, not outside).
4) Consider an under-counter icemaker if you camp or entertain a lot.
5) If you do a freestanding tub, you want to make sure you can sit in it before you buy. We have found that tubs with the same specs feel wildly different in person.
6) Consider energy efficiency. We are adding an induction stove, solar panels, and a heat pump.
7) For us, the biggest challenge is office space. Maybe I have post-pandemic PTSD, but I find myself wanting to make sure that every single room can be converted into a Zoom/office space. I don’t know how to fix this!
8) Choose everything in advance, especially plumbing fixtures and lights.
anon
His and Hers closets work great for our marriage – as the “her” likes everything organized on matching hangers and the “his” likes that there is no subtle encroachment of his space – e.g., I have to stage an actual shoe invasion. I’d caution against going smaller than a shower that two people can fit in for the primary bedroom for obvious reasons, but that does not mean it needs to be a 4 by 10 shower enclosure. Some showers do a toe notch in the wall for shaving your leg if you aren’t putting a bench in there.
Digby
I know this is very situation-specific, but I would love a dog-washing station in the mudroom – come in from the snow, slush or mud, and steer the dog right into the shower with waist-level hand-held sprayer and sturdy bar to clip his leash to; add towel bars for wet dog towels. Dream life.
Anonymous
Dream bedroom set-up for me would be a master with no storage apart from bedside tables/drawers, a small hallway with hooks for robes and doors to bathroom and closet from hallway (no direct access from bedroom) Two person shower with glass wall (no door or hinges to get cruddy) and tub. Well-lit full figure mirror.
Laundry room with hanging space and enough space to keep ironing or steaming stuff always available.
Big utility closet to keep vacuum, brooms, cleaning stuff.
Basically a place where all boring and ugly stuff you need are never in sight in the living areas, including bedroom.
Anon
I had an epiphany over the weekend: I seem to have a version of career dysmorphia, where I can’t accept that while I may be capable of pursuing greater and greater levels of career success at the expense of my personal life, I am not truly willing to sacrifice my personal to actually pursue these goals. It sounds very simple, not a groundbreaking revelation at all, but I am struggling to accept that I am content with a lesser career in order to have the full life I want. Currently, this means I am going through the motions of a C-suite level interview process in the Northeast when I am quite content in my middle management role at a satellite office of a large company in the Southeast. I am not going to move, I do not want this job, I do not have any thoughts about whether I am scared of this bigger job. But I can’t allow myself to accept that I have enough money and enough of a career for now.
Can anyone relate?
Cat
I think a lot of us went through this when going in-house from Biglaw. It’s ok to want to buy your life back (or keep it at the expense of a fancier job).
Anonymous
The fact that you’re struggling to accept this sounds utterly normal to me. It’s a counter-cultural move, if the culture surrounding you (at your company and in messages aimed at talented women) is always communicating: “More, higher, better, richer.” People build their entire identities around this. Then comes the time we realize that more doesn’t always mean more work. Higher doesn’t necessarily mean higher on the corporate ladder. Better doesn’t need to be defined by your title at your job or your resume, and richer can’t be limited to the numbers in your bank and investment accounts.
Anon
Are you me? Yes yes yes. I don’t know how to fix it!
Liza
I can’t relate, but I think you’re smart to go through the interview process for this job. Something is pushing you to do it, and at least this way you’ll know if you actually had the opportunity or not. If you took yourself out of the running preemptively, you might always think to yourself, oh if only I had pursued that opportunity, I’d be XYZ now. But you might not even get the offer, in which case you can rest easy, knowing you gave yourself every opportunity to “go big” but not actually having to do it.
Curious
I relate so much.
Anon
I do relate to this, and I love your term for it: career dysmorphia. After I accomplished a series of career goals I surprised myself that I didn’t want to keep pushing to achieve bigger and bigger goals. I wasn’t the person I thought I was.