Wednesday’s Workwear Report: The Deneuve Top
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Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
Grateful for this internet community we’ve created as I met my first ‘Rette in the wild last week! I was doing a public debate and she came along. My husband asked if I ran into anyone I knew and I had to awkwardly say ‘my internet friend’.
She reported back and told us you did great!
Yes, you were great!
We realised we didn’t know the secret handshake – fleece tights?
I mean, we do live in Scotland, fleece tights are a year round thing.
Okay, I’ve been a reader for years (since Kat used “we”) but I have never actually understood fleece tights (I live where it is hot). Are they like normal US-use-of-the-word tights (opaque hose) but lined with fleece? Or are they entirely fleece? Or like leggings with fleece? The closest thing I can imagine is flannel-lined jeans…same concept different execution? Thank you in advance for shedding light on this very important topic!
Yes, they are just tights lined with fleece. They are actually awesome for winter. The downside I have found is they tend to lose elasticity and sag at the waist fairly quickly. The solution to that is layering a pair of regular tights over the fleece-lined tights (which also helps even more for warmth)
I live in the US and I have seen them but never worn them. They can’t be worn with dress shoes, right? Do you need to buy half size bigger shoes? When I have been super, super cold I have layered regular footless tights over footed tights, but I can’t figure out how to wear fleece tights unless one is wearing looser boots or athletic shoes.
Thanks for the insight. I can’t imagine needing such a garment. The closest idea I can fathom is wearing silk long underwear under ski pants, or I suppose a layer of fleece pants in there too. But to work?? Big ole thumbs down!
They wouldn’t look good with dress shoes but if it’s that cold you are commuting in boots so it’s good enough. Their big other downside in addition to the sagging is the pilling. They look grotty fairly quickly imo. I like the idea of putting “normal” tights over them though! I don’t usually wear them but when I do (ha!) I layer them over normal tights for the commute only and then stuff them in a desk drawer once I get to my office.
I live in California, and I wear fleece tights occasionally. I wear them with knee high boots (so only my knees are showing) and on more casual days (no meetings). But I would also wear leggings under a dress in my office.
I dunno, but I hear they sell them at Walgreen’s
We’re doing a Columbus, OH area meet-up on Friday evening! Anyone up for joining in?
Email at the g – I am an epic warrior
Or
Eowyn’s Mom 2018
Please email if you’re near and interested, we want to meet you!
Worth it? Hard sales tactics or can I walk out without guilt if nothing works (don’t get me wrong, I will walk out if it doesn’t work, just don’t want annoyingly pushy sales associates). Boston location, if that matters.
Can’t speak to Boston but I’ve had a great experience in NY. Not pushy at all.
Same. I thought the sales associate was not pushy at all, gave honest opinions on fit, and helped me decide when I said that I only had the budget for 2 items, not everything I liked. The first time I went, the associate also offered to add a note to my account with the items I liked but were not in my budget at the moment, and the next time I was there they pulled the same dress in a different fabric for me and I ended up getting it.
Agree that NYC was not pushy (hooray!), but my stylist was also not fully engaged. I had written extensive pre-appointment notes about what I was looking for and not looking for, yet she suggested multiple pieces that were on the “no” list (cultural dress needs). I had to firmly redirect her back toward what I was in search of, but she came through with some winners in the end. Don’t be afraid to speak up!
I had a great experience at my appt in DC. Not pushy, definitely agreed with me about what looked good and what did not. It was helpful to try a lot on because she picked some things that I wouldn’t have selected myself but they looked great!
I have always enjoyed my MMLF experience. It hasn’t been pushy at all.
Great experiences two times in Bryant Park NYC. I am plus sized and my stylist was not but she picked really good things for me based on the pre-appointment questionnaire and looking at my purchase history. No pressure whatsoever.
Also, I have this blouse in all the colors offered in my size (plus) and I really love it. The cream color is the prettiest.
I also hand wash mine.
This blouse is very pretty but I found it too short for me. If you like your blouses to be around 25 inches (which I do), this won’t work.
I think the plus sizes run longer. I am tall and it is not a long blouse on me, but it’s not too short either. Because it’s blouson, it’s supposed to end near the waist.
I don’t think the sales associate was that pushy, but she was a little pushy and wasn’t honest about what looked good on me. I think part of this is that it was right when their plus size line came out and they didn’t have much in my size. I felt like she wanted to say that the few things they had in my size looked good, when many of them didn’t fit right.
Hi I’m also curious about the Boston location – please report back after your appointment! Thanks!
Does anyone have a recommendation for a good divorce attorney in the Boston area? South shore preferred. Will meeting with one help walk me through the process? And any general advice on when mediation is an option would be great. I am assuming both parties need their own attorney? Teacher salary and very little savings so advice on how people pay for this would be appreciated too. Thanks
Yes! Jen Clark, office in Boston but she lives in Scituate. You can email me at dianabarry r e t t e at g m a i l (no spaces) to get her contact information.
Depending on your soon to be ex spouse’s income or assets, a court may order your ex to pay your attorney’s retainer.
No advice but a South Shore native, here. Sending hugs and clarity as you navigate these waters!!
So, a lot of people think it’s either mediation or litigation, but the best case scenario is that you and your soon-to-be ex (with the assistance of your attorneys) can just come to an agreement without going through discovery, mediation, etc. This is only a good option though if you have a solid grasp on all of your assets and liabilities and your STBX isn’t an asshole. If those things are true, then your attorney should be able to work with you to put together a draft settlement which you can send to his attorney. Your attorney can talk you through all of the options though. I’m not in DC, but my retainer for my uncontested divorce was $2000.00. My Ex’s was about the same. Our very amicable divorce ended up costing us about $5000.00, which we paid out of joint savings before division.
Hugs to you.
Can I get some Yellowstone recommendations? It’s been about 20 years since I was there, but I’m going in a few weeks with extended family (kids ages range from 2-10) and I’m looking for ideas of fun things to do, restaurants, anything else. Thanks!
I would stay in Jackson so you can also do Grand Teton National Park, and also enjoy the fun things around Jackson. Technically I’d recommend staying in Wilson – it’s right outside of Jackson, on the edge of GTNP, and you can rent a condo for a more reasonable price than a hotel in Jackson. We rented an awesome condo in a cool neighborhood called the Aspens last year, through Outpost JH, which I highly recommend. You can certainly also stay in a lodge in Yellowstone for part of the trip, as well, since it’s such a huge park that it’s hard to see it all in just a day trip from the Jackson area. One of the coolest things we’ve done in Yellowstone is kayak Yellowstone Lake. We got to kayak right up to some of the thermal features, and we saw a lot of wildlife, but you’ll see wildlife all over the park.
Early morning wildlife tour. I’d stay in the park if at all possible because it’s so big.
I’m sure you will drive around the park loop that runs by all the famous attractions (old faithful and other geothermal features, etc.). But make sure to get out of the car and walk a bit down a trail as well. The loop can feel like a real zoo in the peak tourist season, but I’ve always found that it’s possible to get almost totally away from the crowd and have a different quality of experience if you walk as little as half a mile. Wildlife viewing in the Lamar Valley can be amazing – that’s where you can see wolves in the early am.
We did a family vacation to Yellowstone last year. It was one of our best vacations ever. Try and stay in the park. It will save you a lot of driving. You may have luck getting a room ’cause there are a lot of cancellations. Make dinner reservations now. Plan your days so that each day you’re in separate area of the park. Our faves were Grand Prismatic Spring, the Geyser Loop Trail near Old Faithful, Lamar Valley for wildlife (early-mid morning) and the Canyon area. We also took a stunning drive out of the northeast corner of the park on the Beartooth Highway. You’re so close to Grand Teton National Park so stop there too. Lots of wildlife and easy hikes. Trail around Jenny Lake is great.
Have fun! Keep in mind in gets pretty chilly at night. We were there in August and there were a few nights with frost.
Stepson is home from college for the summer. He was a good kid in high school and other than minoring in beer seems to be finding himself in college. BUT his new GF is a freshman who casually wears friends maternity clothes as clothes and says that it wouldn’t be the worst thing if she got pregnant now. On a scale from 1 to infinity, how concerned would you be? His dad is bereft. I hope if we just don’t freak out this too shall pass (very hopefully sans baby).
But seriously — this is so weird.
His dad should talk to him and remind him to use condoms and not rely on his GF for birth control. Honestly, that’s a good reminder even if the GF didn’t have such a casual attitude towards having a baby.
+100
This. Part of the ‘talk’ from my parents was emphasis on never relying on just one method of birth control unless I was 100% okay with getting pregnant. Using two methods every single time greatly reduces risk. First time I gardened without a condom was when I married DH.
I would go a step further and tell him he shouldn’t be having intercourse with any girl who wants to get pregnant unless he’s ready to be a dad right now.
Oh g0d, I’m so sorry. This makes me so thankful I don’t have to handle that relationship. I’d say dad definitely needs to have a serious discussion about what BC that he (stepson) controls, i.e. condoms used correctly and consistently. In the same convo he may be able to suss out whether son has the same belief as GF and proceed accordingly (additional convo re the perils of having children before you are able to support them yourself).
You may want to talk to your husband and set some boundaries on what you will/wont’s support if a baby is suddenly in the mix. Once you’ve come to an agreement, you are armed with facts to put forth to the GF when she ‘casually’ starts acting in the way described. You can ask her how she is (they are) going to support this child as you and your spouse will/will not do more than x,y,z or just x. Cold hard reality might be good for her.
I would hope you can do the same with your step son if he acts nonchalant about this situation as well.
I mean, maternity leggings are darned comfy.
Not disagreeing. But what if it was a shirt?
FWIW I didn’t wear maternity shirts until somewhere past 20 weeks.
Agreed, but I definitely didn’t have multiple pregnant friends when I was a freshman in college.
Blunt question: are you and your husband well off? How is her family in relation to yours?
Rich girls don’t have babies as college freshman. They “get it taken care of” if they get pregnant at that age.
I think the implication is that the GF is not from a rich background, therefore could be looking for a ticket out.
Right, that’s what I’m saying. Like obviously she’s not rich, because if she were she would not be keen on getting pregnant.
Exactly.
If thisis the case, the wealthy family needs to be rather clear that she won’t be bouncing a baby on her knee in a nice house waiting for her husband to arrive home at 5:30; she’ll be in a tiny, gross apartment, living in clothes from Goodwill, cleaning up baby spit at all hours because he’s working 2 low-wage jobs to make ends meet.
The nice house comes from graduating from college, getting a good job, working hard, and buying the big house in your 30s.
Sorry for my cynicism, but I learned really early on to not let people know that my family has Money. People are whacked. Married man 30 years my senior (who knew of my grandparents) talking about how pretty and intriguing I am, and asking very pointed questions about the dollar values of any trust funds, and literally getting upset to find out that I personally was not given a cent of said family wealth? Yep, that’s just the start.
A lot of undergrads can seem rich in college.
Private school (yes, but my mom works in the cafeteria there)
Polo shirts (yes, but there is an outlet in my area and I worked there in the summer and bought with my employee discount)
I honestly don’t think that anyone in college is gunning for a baby. College is fun! Babies are . . . incompatible with that, even if you aren’t a partier, you can’t go to Ben & Jerry’s and snog down a Vermonster with your suitemates if the baby is napping. Plus, how do you get a stroller up all of those stairs? And carry the baby bucket carrier with the very heavy Chemistry text book?
It just doesn’t make sense.
I also think there’s a difference between gunning for a baby – as in actively trying to trap a boy from a wealthy family into a marriage with an accidental-on-purpose pregnancy – and being open to the idea of embracing an unplanned pregnancy if one were to happen despite your best efforts, and believing that you can find a way to make it work.
That’s the crazy thing — it isn’t like he just went early in the NFL draft (in which case, a baby would rightly be on the way already). He has no $ on on either side of his family (just middle class people). She maybe has some locally-important relatives, but is neither very well off (like Chloe Green having a kid with the Hot Felon) nor of a background where teen pregnancy would be common and welcome. [When I was a teen, the one local teen a grade up who had a baby was regarded as a town tragedy, not in a judgey way but Mimi can’t go to the prom b/c she can’t afford a dress and she has a baby now and how will she get a good job now that she has to work and has no skills really.] I’d totally get it if there were $ involved.
My $.02 is that she is perhaps a bit young and perhaps emotionally needy and inexperienced; she seems to be very possessive. Cannot handle alcohol well at all (and yet handles it frequently, a concern if she did get pregnant). Maybe she was very sheltered in high school and this is her first “real” relationship where there were no guardrails. I cannot imagine being her parent; I don’t know what they know. I would be very troubled if my children were talking this talk (they are young enough to keep them away from this for now but I would never want to normalize teen pregnancy but I believe that they see how hard it has been for me to work and be a parent and pay for things that they won’t easily unsee what they have spent their lives seeing).
If he is kind to her and if his parents are kind to him, she may be seeking a way to stay a part of this family. She may also think a child equals someone who will always love her. It may not be money but love/connection she is seeking. Maybe the way to reach her is both to be blunt about the costs but to also discuss with her bf/your spouse how much you all want to include her in family stuff… maybe arm’s length is best, maybe showing her more inclusion/love is best, depends your thoughts. I’m just saying this may not be money or stupidity or drunkenness but a broken newly-adulted person trying to navigate in a world where it’d be nice to have support and unconditional love, leading her to think pregnancy is a way to get that.
Yes, are you kind to her? Do you have a relationship with her? Would you be open to taking her to an ob/gyne?
I too am in SEC country. Not too long ago when my smart sister went to Public Flagship University in our state, and she was in the girls’ dorm, she had quite a few new girlfriends approach her asking exactly HOW one gets pregnant or not – they had truly been sheltered from this information their whole lives, and were now sent off to school to get educated (except for evolution, of course) and probably to find a husband, with no idea of i n t e r course or contraception or of course ability to handle alchohol.
You *might* want to consider taking her under your wing and emphasizing for her OWN sake to delay pregnancy. ESPECIALLY with the way the “schmamortion” regulations are going in this area…
good luck
I went to college in the 1980s, at a large Midwestern flagship university. I knew two girls, both from apparently middle class suburban backgrounds (back then, the vast majority of the students at said university were from in-state and most from a particular area in the state, so we mostly all had very similar backgrounds), who got pregnant near the end of their freshman year.
One had a boyfriend who was in a work-study program that had him on campus for a semester, then off at the company he would work for for the next, and so forth. She didn’t want to be away from him for a whole semester so she got pregnant as a way of “forcing” them to be together. Interestingly she was also one of the first fundamentalist types I ever met, and told me I was going to hell because I was brought up Catholic and Catholics were idol-worshippers. I ran into her senior year, and they were still together (married) and both were finishing school so I guess it worked out? But it still didn’t seem like a great plan to me.
I don’t know why the second one got pregnant. I think her boyfriend was Hispanic (she wasn’t) and maybe her family didn’t approve? So she got pregnant so they’d have to be together? I vaguely recall a story like that.
I think sometimes relationships in those years of life can be really, really intense, and the idea of the relationship ending – well, people might do whatever they can to stop that.
I’d emphasize birth control to your stepson and also the idea that if he has a baby with this woman, she will never, never be out of his life. Even if he doesn’t want custody, he’s on the hook for child support and will be tied to her forever through the child. It also will impact anything he wants to do in his life – finish school, take a job across the country or overseas, have future children… it’s a big deal.
I played by those rules. They were to old rules. There’s no big house. Not for most of us.
I got the grades. I got degree from a decent law school. I waited to be married to a an emotionally and financially stable man. Now I’m probably too old for more than one child and the world is pretty judgmental about older moms. I’ve been called selfish and at 37 I’m way too exhausted to be the mom I want to be.
I think having a baby with a rich kid at 19 would have a better move.
I can see that. I am 40 and have peers who are empty nesters or about to be. It all works out.
1) OP definitely said the kids aren’t rich
2) The outcomes for a teen Mom, especially one that drops out of college (which is a significant portion) are terrible.
There are just so many options between “poor struggling young mother” and “alone and childless at 40”. The former would be an irresponsible choice, the latter is an unfortunate situation of circumstance (you simply didn’t meet the right person – or you played yourself thinking you couldn’t be married and pursue higher education and a career at the same time).
In any case, stop projecting.
Tell the world to go pound sand about being judgmental about older moms. I am the oldest mom in The Kid’s grade and actually proud of it these days. I have my own job and my own friends and my life does not revolve solely around The Kid and activities at his school. I have the perspective to see any mean people for what they are, the confidence to call them out on it, and the maturity to GNF if they try to judge me. I plan to enjoy being the “old” mom and so do my “old mom” friends — there are lots of us if you just look around!
Same. I’m 37 and have a one year old. I’m probably one and done (by choice) but I wouldn’t hesitate to have a second if I wanted one. I love being an older mom. I enjoyed my 20s and early 30s as a professional with lots of disposable income, and now that I’m in my late 30s and have achieved some level of career success (nothing that would get me in the New York Times, but I’ve worked hard at the same place for many years) I have more money to outsource chores, more ability to lean out/work flex hours and more acceptance of all the sacrifices that come with having kids, because I got to be focused on only myself for ~15 years first. I certainly don’t judge women who have kids much younger, but I wouldn’t change anything about my life. Who cares if some of my daughters’ daycare classmates have grandparents who are my age?
36 does not make you an “old mom”
It is old for my area – average first time mom here is 20-25. Anyway, I was responding to someone who is 37, so she’s in the same boat as me.
Eh, I had my kids when i was 36 and 38. I just spent all of Memorial Day weekend at a sports tournament for my older kid and hung out with all the moms. We are all the same age more or less. I don’t think your reality is as harsh as you say it is.
I sort of agree with this. I am not a lawyer, but I did graduate from college, full of potential, and have worked for years at what is considered a steady, safe job. Salary has slowly increased over the years. Super responsible, definitely interested in playing by the rules and working for what i have. Still single at 41, living in a condo. The big house doesn’t always come with hard work. And sometimes I do wonder–what if I would have chased after one of those boys that came from a wealthy family in college? Or what if I would have focused more on finding a husband vs. slowly moving up the corporate ladder? I have to say, at a minimum, I would probably have the big house by now.
That seems really strange to me. I didn’t even have a concept of maternity clothing when I was a freshman in college. Is that part of the culture she is coming from? I’d be concerned.
I really don’t think so — we are in the heart of SEC country, but my sense is that she is from a smallish town where some relatives are prominent. Not that teen pregnancy wouldn’t be a problem there, but not in the crowd that goes off to college.
“Teen” pregnancy when the parents have already graduated high school is fairly normal in the area of SEC country where I used to live, even among kids who went off to college. Sometimes the mother dropped out of university or transferred to community college, sometimes she stayed in school, but it wasn’t an unusual thing. There was often a wedding a bit earlier than what might have happened otherwise. In the small city where I lived, many of the young women who did go to college were in pursuit of their Mrs degrees, so once that was in the bag, the actual degree was a bit less important.
Disagree a bit — I am from ACC country (in SEC territory at the moment) and there is a species of DAR-dowager-countess types counting out 9 months from a wedding to see when babies arrive. And everyone before then has to claim to be a premie even if the baby is 8 pounds and 24″ long.
We had a shotgun wedding in my family 50 years ago and it was very shameful at the time.
True – what you describe is definitely a thing in the Plantation Old Money set, but those are few and far between in my former corner of SEC country. There was plenty of more recent well-to-do, but there really wasn’t much old money in the area. In my present corner of ACC country it’s a bit more prevalent, but still not common. I don’t think those old families and their mores influence culture the way they did 50-75 years ago. 2 hours of drive time makes a HUGE cultural difference.
She does sound like trouble. If your step son has access to money, I would be very worried, as this woman is like my freind Nora from college, who went to college primarily to find a man, and she did, in the first semester, by getting pregnant by Larry, who was heir to a big auto dealership in the DC area, and she took advantage of him b/c Larry had never had s-x with a woman before, so she literally manhandled him into getting her pregnant. Nora had the baby and married Larry, mainly b/c Larry’s family had alot of money. She stayed married to Larry long enough to raise 2 kid’s and now that they are over 18, she divorced Larry and got a multimillion dollar settlement, and she now bought a farm in Virginia where she rides horses all day. Nora really took Larry for a ride, literally, as Larry still works at his family’s car dealership in Virginia and Maryland and DC (not a big secret). So if I had been Larry’s parents back in the 1990’s, I would have made sure Larry got s-x out of his system by hooking him up with an older woman who could have given him great s-x, but not gotten pregnant. Then, he wouldn’t have been so taken by my freind who just wanted someone to pay for her lifestyle (and give her babies and have him pay dearly for them). FOOEY on her for doing that to Larry.
It’s a little weird, but in the absence of specific information, I might assume good intentions and figure she’s open to keeping a pregnancy if she got accidentally pregnant now, since she knows women around her age that did just that and they seem to be doing okay, not necessarily that she’s looking to trap your stepson or anyone else into a marriage with an unplanned pregnancy. It’s up to your stepson to talk to her about his expectations, if he’s not ready to roll with an unplanned pregnancy and become a father at his age – make sure they’re using good birth control, and very seriously talk about what their plan, as a couple, would be if she did get pregnant.
When I was a junior in college, I was not ready to have a kid, but I’d heard that some jerk I had a bunch of mutual friends with had been calling me “baby crazy,” and warning the guy I was dating that I was probably gonna poke holes in the condoms so I could get knocked up on purpose. That was not at all true and I still have no idea where that notion came from, but it was really hurtful that he thought that about me based on what little he knew about me. It’s good to want to protect the people you care about and remind them to be cautious if something seems off, but try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
I agree – this is all very thirdhand and I’m surprised by the reactions here. If she has dinner with you and your husband and says “oh yeah I’d love to have a baby in the next year – I don’t care about finishing college or getting married” then, sure, be concerned. But until you hear it from her, it seems like you’re freaking out about rumors and her baggy clothing, which is kind of weird.
didn’t this already happen? OP said the girl said “says that it wouldn’t be the worst thing if she got pregnant now”. Like pregnant in the first year of college is not ‘the worst thing ever’ – serious injury or homelessness is clearly worse but it’s pretty fing difficult to deal with and someone being cavalier about that is a huge red flag.
Yeah, I feel like “wouldn’t be the worst thing” is what you say to hint to your boyfriend’s parents that you are, ahem. Open to the possibility.
Based only on the fact that she is a freshman in college and apparently has a number of friends who have maternity clothes that she borrows… I would have some empathy for the girl. It sounds like she’s coming from a background where it’s not uncommon to be pregnant as a teenager. (Either that, or she has a lot of older friends.) Like all college students, she’s probably in the process of trying to figure out who she is and how she balances where she came from with who she’s becoming. If she’s from a background where not a lot of people go to college, she might feel like she’s getting pulled away from her family and friends – especially if she gets comments from them along the lines of “oh, once you finish college, we’re never going to see you again, you’ll be too good for us.”
So, I agree with the above posters about making certain your stepson has a good understanding of birth control (a good idea in any case) but keep in mind that she’s at a point of major transition in her life and some things that seem weird might be more a function of her trying to navigate her own life moreso than actual desires. I’m not sure from your post if you have any interaction with her, but if you do have a chance to talk with her, ask her more about her family and friends at home.
I agree, kindness and empathy are key here! I get that there are some crazy, manipulative women looking to take advantage of wealthy boys running around, and OP isn’t wrong to be concerned about that, but this is a person we’re talking about, and it just seems really unkind to assume bad intentions here. She’s young, and she did not admit she’s gunning to trap him with a pregnancy so she can leech off his family, so it’s super rude to jump to that conclusion.
You don’t owe her kindness, empathy, or the benefit of the doubt. OP hardly knows this girl. Her loyalty/concern should be for her stepson and his future. I’d be pushing hard for him to break this off asap.
Sounds like a great way for OP to ruin the relationship with her stepson! Has “pushing hard” on a college student to end a relationship… EVER had the desired outcome??
I dated some wonderful people when I was younger, and also dated some idiot/jerks. I’m very grateful that my parents and family were kind and welcoming to all of them. If OP cares about her stepson, and her stepson cares about this girl, then it’s probably much wiser to start from a place of empathy and kindness rather than a knee-jerk reaction based on minimal information.
Yikes, you do not sound like a very good person.
I feel like everybody owes kindness and empathy and the benefit of the doubt to everybody else unless and until they are given some reason not to. Good grief. What a way to live. And even if we pass “benefit of the doubt” territory, I think kindness and empathy are always in order.
“You don’t owe her kindness, empathy, or the benefit of the doubt”
Sometimes I forget how nasty people can be here. But I guess I don’t understand how hard it is to have money.
IDK — I believe a girl who says that a baby wouldn’t be the worst thing, especially when she is ALREADY WEARING MATERNITY CLOTHES. I am not sure I’d believe that they were “from a friend.” I think that girlfriend is maybe a bit not right in the head.
Yes, agreed. Outside of worrying what/if this girl is trying to “do” to her stepson, it also just seems very odd to be wearing maternity clothes while in college.
I have so many questions about the “wearing maternity clothes” aspect of this…
I could envision a situation where a college girl likes a shirt or something that belongs to a friend and is technically maternity clothing, and wears it, and when her boyfriends step-mom says, “What a nice shirt!” she says, “Haha, it’s actually a maternity shirt! I borrowed it from a friend!” and then when pearl-clutching ensues, she follows it up with, “Oh, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.”
Also, there have been times I have enviously eyed the maternity jeans that look like jeans but have a soft elastic waist…
In all honesty, if she is drinking underage and being given alcohol by someone of age and there is s*x involved, I’d be concerned if there is truly consent or being accused of being put into a situation where a silly young girl is taken advantage of. Sure, they “love” each other today. But her parents may get very angry if she does get pregnant and you all knew about all of this.
Keep her away from your alcohol. Have stepson read some situations where guys were accused of rape and thrown out of school. Not saying he’s like this, but everyone protested their innocence and none of us were in the room.
Wtf. False rape accusations are so incredibly rare.
Is she trying to warm you up before she announces that she’s already pregnant?
That would be really bad b/c she was drunk all last weekend :(
Ok so my niece could have been this girl. Her college boyfriend knocked her up their freshman year. I think my niece thought this meant they’d get married, and after all his parents are wealthy (babydaddy’s father is a plastic surgeon).
But no, the baby is three know, baby daddy is not in the picture at all. Baby daddy’s parents give the kid money from time to time (like birthdays) and have vaguely reassured my niece that they will pay for his college. That’s it.
My niece of course did not even finish her freshman year of college and works a minimum wage hourly job.
Also, who is going to date a 22 year old single mom? She has no love life.
Tell girlfriend this story. Because this is how it works.
Blunt but I’d say to gf — if this happens, 99.99% chance my son walks away, so keep that in mind. And tell son, you CAN walk away.
Sorry but people from respectable families don’t want this. If this is chill in her rural background, great; she can find any number of others who want this. I mean for your niece’s ex boyfriend from a dr. family — chances are his family had expectations that he’d be a dr. or something similar, which wasn’t likely to happen for a 22 year old father who chooses to stay and be involved and be delivering pizzas all night to buy diapers. Of course he walked away, who wouldn’t? He’ll have his real family when he’s 25 or 35 or whatever and settled into a career and this kid will be a mere afterthought that gets some birthday money.
Are you guys joking? Everyone seems totally cool with a guy — who was one-half of pregnancy happening — bailing?
Hm I posted about my niece. I’m not in favor of the guy walking away. I’m just saying realistically that is what happens. My niece may be able to get child support some day but not while the baby daddy is in college. (He’s in grad school now) He has no income. She can’t go after his parents. They are not legally obligated.
I’m just telling the real story – this kind of thing always, always works out to be much harder on the mother.
+1
A couple weeks ago, the women here expressed shock and confusion about having a “what-if” conversation before gardening. The assumption was that it’s her choice as to what to do, and he doesn’t even have a right to know about it.
+1 million to 11:42. It takes two people to get pregnant. If your step-son is gardening with this woman and knows that she will keep an accidental pregnancy, he needs to be prepared to be a father. If he isn’t prepared to be a father, he should not continue gardening with this woman. It’s not ok for him to walk away from a child he willingly fathered.
This is awful, your words make you sound like a terrible person (his real family? come on…)
That said…you’re right. This is what will probably happen and is a harsh truth for a lot of people.
I will point out that the son can’t just “walk away”. He can choose not to be physically present but he can be forced to pay child support (even have his wages garnished in some states), so he’ll be financially connected to the kid. So there is a downside to all parties.
In a lot of states, he’s obligated to pay 20% of his income. That might be a lot to him, but it’s a pittance to someone trying to raise a kid. That $8k to $10k a year for most of the kid’s early years won’t pay expenses.
Son doesn’t have to get married to GF just because she got pregnant (absent an agreement to the contrary), but there’s no way to ethically walk away from your kid that GF is raising.
The baby is no less deserving of love and care and support and stability than any other child. Son will be stuck being as good a dad as he can be and with co-parenting with GF until the child is grown.
That’s nice that you think men who father unintended babies are bound by what’s ethically correct. I’m sure there are some baby daddies who behave that way, but I’m also sure that it’s a minority of them.
But just because a bunch of dudes are irresponsible losers doesn’t mean it’s ok for OP or her husband to advise their (step)son to behave that way. I think people are taking issue with the poster saying she should tell her step-son he can walk away. I don’t care what the majority of baby daddies do, if my son fathered a child, he would be financially supporting the child and involved in the child’s life.
Financial support — sure, whatever is court ordered and not $1 more; if it’s not enforceable against him thru school because he has no income, oh well though I would expect he’d pay later because he has income. Involved – NO. Sorry. If he’s headed to med school or law school to build his life, he’s going. He’s not letting this hold him back. We all know how this works. Moms deal and dads can move on — build a life; build a real marriage and family; he’s been penalized – by the checks he’ll be writing until the kid is 18 and that’s enough.
If she’s from a small town, I bet this has something to do with a lot of her high school friends and classmates. Many/most women in rural small towns don’t go to college — some go straight to work; some may do some technical training to get into the medical field; and some go to 2 yr community college. So guess what she goes a lot of girls her age who are with their HS boyfriends, having babies/will be having them in the next year or so as they are winding up their education already. Whether she hangs out with them or not, through social media this stuff is all known now. And in contrast she looks at her path which is supposedly “better” but it means being in school for 3 more years. For people who have many friends who are done school at 18 or 19 and “starting their lives” — i.e. baby — 3 more years is a LIFETIME and at the end of that lifetime there’s STILL no guarantee that anyone will marry you/have a baby. So yeah she’s thinking — well I don’t want to be the only “old maid’ of my school with no marriage or baby at age 22, so yeah a baby now wouldn’t be bad at all . . . .
I’d have dad talk to son about whether he is ready to be a father (I’m guessing not) and if he isn’t, well it’s not like this is the love of his life — can’t he pull back? If it’s meant to be, maybe they wind up together as seniors or after college or at some time when her life goals are compatible with his life? Because one way or another if he keeps at it, she will find a way to make this happen.
I think that SF has gotten to expensive even for rich people (never mind trash collectors and police and teachers). I’m livid that the state is so wedded to single-family zoning that it will make everyone move to Texas or Florida or North Carolina where the QOL is manageable. Heck, even Minnesota can relax it’s zoning to let in more affordable housing. Just not anywhere in California.
I don’t know, my friends there in tech are all doing fine. Maybe they meet your definition of rich people (HHIs $200k+ plus good stock options), but they are happy and doing well and mostly own homes.
That sounds like it fits the definition of rich people to me.
But your secretary, does she spend 3 hours commuting? And have options?
How about the Uber Eats drivers? And the bus drivers?
I was taking issue with the OP’s statement that “SF has gotten too expensive even for rich people.” I agree that it’s a big problem for everyone not earning six figures.
I work in local government on the east coast but was recently out in SF for a conference. I was blown away by my Bay Area counterparts stories of their commutes!
Troublesome from a socioeconomic and inequality standpoint, but also working in emergency services it was worrisome because if something happens, your staff is all 2 hours away (let alone if, depending on the emergency, any impact to highways and bridges). My agency has a residency requirement and an expectation to respond in less than an hour. Quite literally impossible out in the Bay Area
I live in the Bay Area. We do have people of not-six-figure incomes working here of course. I work with many entry level people who earn 50-60k and seem to do ok. The answer seems to be living in the suburbs or less desirable city neighborhoods, having roommates, and being frugal about daily expenses. That said, they still go out to bars and other social stuff you’d expect of 20 somethings, so it’s not that dire.
I wouldn’t assume that those 20 somethings aren’t getting additional funding from parents and/or racking up serious debt with an eye towards–eventually I’ll make more money and it will be easy to pay it all back.
I know some of them pretty well. This is not the case.
Anyone who owns home in SF is rich, even if (especially if) they bought it more than 5 years ago. The inequity is completely unsustainable — where will teachers live? Where will the grocery store employees live? There are so many not-six-figure jobs that help keep society functioning and SF seems bent on driving them out.
…and replacing them all with apps.
Or drones.
You know it’s all relative. If you own a home in the Bay Area, it’s worth a lot, but your mortgage payment is also high and if you recently bought it you have little to no equity. You earn a high salary but it’s because you live here. If you pull up stakes and move to a lower cost of living area, it’s not like you’re coming in rich. Your salary in the LCOL area will be lower and housing will be cheaper.
“if you recently bought it you have little to no equity”
This is not true. My friends bought a duplex in 2017 in Cupertino for $1.3M. It’s now worth $1.9M according to Zillow and would probably sell for more according to their realtor. I realize home equity is not a sure thing like money in the bank, but recent homeowners in the Bay Area have plenty of home equity.
Realtors laugh their asses off at Zillow valuations in the Bay Area. They’re not real.
Yeah those are rich people.
I just had a 2 hour commute home last night (usually 80 minutes) because I can’t afford to live anywhere close to the city where I work. It’s insane and we’re hoping to move ASAP. I grew up here, I know the benefits and what it offers, and we’re gone as soon as we get jobs. We have a six-figure combined income.
I’m wondering — if you go to Berkeley or Stanford or UCSF, how do you afford to live there? I get that you can afford to live there with a 6-figure job (and no student loans — ha!), but an 18-year old college kid? Even if there are dorms, I’d be tempted to put up a loft structure and sublet a few cubic feet just to defray expenses.
Stanford dorms are slightly cheaper than Harvard dorms, even though Palo Alto real estate is a lot more than Cambridge real estate – the dorms are on land owned by the school, so market rental rates don’t really apply. You’re “renting” from the school, not the market.
I live in Berkeley. They keep building new dorms but still don’t have enough. There are still plenty of students living off campus and paying market rents. It’s nuts. Some combination of wealthy parents and/or crappy living situations not close to campus.
My brother lived in a frat house and I lived in a co-op (Berkeley for both of us). Really don’t want to return to those days.
I totally agree. My husband (doctor) and I (consultant) currently live in NYC and will be moving next year for his job. We are considering almost every major city in the country except SF. Even though we think we’d love that area, we have ruled it out as too expensive to still be saving appropriately for retirement, kids’ college, etc. We always comment that that’s a sad state of affairs if two people with our careers and income feel that we could not live in there.
To me, doctor = 200K-500K in debt and not starting to make any real $ until your mid-30s, so while you might have income, you are also not well off (like a secretary who started working in her teens with no student loans could do better than you right now).
I’m so disappointed that SB 50 won’t go forward this year. Not that I think it’s great policy, but it’s necessary because cities like mine refuse to allow anywhere near sufficient housing to be built.
In my city, residents complain about traffic, parking, that their grown kids are leaving for other areas, and that community is being lost (because houses are so pricey, they’re mostly bought by people who work all the time or investors), but they complain about improvements to bicycle infrastructure and actively defeat new housing.
I love my city, but it makes me so sad that many residents prioritize single family housing and driving over everything else.
Yeah. Good grief a Facebook friend of mine who is supposedly so woke and Bernie-supporting and bicycle-commuting and Green New Deal-loving was making hourly posts about how SB 50 was going to ruin everybody’s property values.
And I’m all, “really?” Good grief. NIMBY-ism at its finest.
SF/bay area is so nuts. My husband and I moved from SF to Los Angeles largely due to cost of living even though we have high HHI. It felt like we were constantly struggling to get our from under student loans and save for a home (near our jobs) and that we’d never be able to retire. LA feels downright cheap because we could pay more reasonable rent, and without family help save to buy a moderate condo in a nice neighborhood near our jobs for under 1M, and can actually plan for retirement at a reasonable age. I continually correct him when he refers to LA as a LCOL city, but I completely get why he feels that way.
Going to a graduation tomorrow and it will be outside. It will be cloudy and the temps are supposed to be 55-70 during the day (70 not until 4 pm or so). Should I wear a pantsuit (and if so, what kind of shirt underneath in order to be warm enough?) or jumpsuit with blazer?
Neither? A pantsuit is very formal and a jumpsuit is oddly casual to pair with a blazer. Wear pants and a top and some sort of jacket.
Is it your kid? If so, pantsuit. I assume Boston area- it’s chilly here and pantsuit is not too formal.
I wouldn’t wear a pantsuit unless I was expected to take the podium and speak.
The jumpsuit is also formal but I think I will be too cold. (Clarification: I have an official role and need to be wearing a suit or suit-adjacent outfit.)
Oh then in that case I’d wear a thin cashmere or merino sweater under my pantsuit over an acceptable shell type blouse, and be prepared to take off the sweater when it gets warm. Another option is a big wrap shawl that you can wear around your shoulders if that would be an acceptable look.
If you have an official role, won’t you be wearing regalia?
Haha nope, they only give that to the men (morning coat) – guess they haven’t figured out the female equivalent!
That is infuriating!
Morning coat?!? What happened to cap and gown?
Having been to Boston graduations in similar weather (although the last one I went to was this temp + rain), I highly recommend some light baselayers. Like long underwear you would wear in winter, just not the thickest ones. The endless sitting without sun makes it feel way colder than 60.
I love my new job. I miss my old staff. That is all.
Oh me too! So much! And it’s been 6 years. Sigh.
Big drama in my office today is that facilities have removed the tea kettles without warning from the kitchenette. I’m in the UK so this is a big deal. Anyone else’s workplaces had similarly petty dramas lately?
That is NOT PETTY! And I’m not even British ;).
My office is bemused by that the new ED sends put his own casual all-staff emails (food in the kitchen, etc). His assistant (of at least 20 year tenure) will not be pre-empted, and still prints it on letterhead, scans it back in as a pdf, and emails us again 10 mon later.
HAHAHAHA, that is so extra. “Will not be pre-empted” has me DYING.
That’s hysterical. And amazing. What’s your ED’s response?
Haha we had almost that exact thing happen at our office. In our case it was about people leaving spoons in the sink – I swear I am not making this up – first an email from the boss, then a printed and distributed official memo about leaving SPOONS IN the SINK…. in the boss’s assistant’s trademark inappropriate all-caps HERE and THERE style…. and overuse of ellipses. (I’m totally outing myself here!)
In this case, there is no way the boss even knew she was writing the memo on his behalf.
bahahahahahahahaha. Is Ellen the assistant at your office?
Seriously it was weird when I started reading here and thought, wait, is Ellen my boss’s assistant?
That is not petty! It is a massive deal! What are you supposed to do to get tea now?
Go downstairs and pay £2 a cup in the cafe. Kettllegate.
I’m appalled on your behalf. Horrible!
FWIW, I have my own electric kettle. It’s glorious.
No kettles? Let me know where so I can join the picket.
When I was pregnant, they took away my chair when they did the safety assessment. I hate rolling chairs and was sitting on a straight meeting chair and apparently that was unacceptable.
Oh hell no, and I’m not in the UK. Not petty at all! I’m in SEUS, where it’s going to be 92 F degrees (33.3 C) today, and they would have to pry my tea kettle from my cold dead hands.
Keep a kettle at your desk!
Hahaha, this is even more against the rules.
This happened a few months ago but you would not BELIEVE the drama I inadvertently caused when I asked if I could move into a spare office that was mostly unused except by this one person who came in a few hours a week to use it for free. I truly thought this wouldn’t be a big deal as there were other spaces for this person to use, and it seemed like a better use of the spare office if I was in there as I needed the space and privacy. This person apparently felt ownership over the office and wanted it for their exclusive use. MONTHS of drama but I won in the end!
Hilarious. We had an empty office and I had asked the staff out in the main work area if anyone wanted to move into it, but no takers. Last Wednesday, before I left on a trip, one of the staff asked if she could move in and I said sure. The only issue that I have is that she used to be right outside my office and now, in a private office, I don’t chat with her as often. I miss that!
This may out me, but someone recently posted a “Fish are friends, not food” sign over the office microwave after someone committed the cardinal offense against office etiquette twice in one week. To make matters worse, the original fish microwaver was stealthy, so we’ve been unable to publicly out him/her.
Oh f%^* no! What I’m earth could be the reasoning here? Fire hazard or some nonsense?
My firm is considering replacing one of our three Keurigs with a soft ice maker. The Keurig at issue is hard plumbed into the sink that would be used for the ice maker, so they apparently cannot coexist for some reason. People have STRONG opinions about this.
What is a soft ice maker? Soft ice cream? BYE KEURIG
Like crushed ice – the little ice pellets that you get at Sonic, a/k/a the best ice in the whole world. We have free sodas at my firm, so I don’t understand anyone who opposes the ice maker. If it was an ice cream maker, that would be even better and probably wouldn’t meet with opposition.
Wow i want that job perk.
Also, I love the 20 somethings at my work. They voluntarily gave up the Keurig the company provided due to the k-cup waste issue.
They came to an agreement on the coffee that would be brewed and the brewing schedule, who has responsibility for what etc, and we switched to an old school brew-into-a-carafe machine. It was all very democratic and the rest of us were impressed. (Small office, all the over-30s happen to be tea drinkers)
This is the soft ice poster again – the firm actually provides both Keurigs and old school office coffeemakers. I have an electric teakettle and tea station, along with a mini-fridge, in my personal office. We take our beverages very seriously around here.
My office removed a toaster oven because people had been using it and not turning it off. “Because of this dangerous situation we are temporarily removing the use of the toaster oven.” Which just makes it sounds like we are being punished like children. I actually bought my own toaster which I now keep in my office.
Our office toaster oven came with a sign that says it will be removed if anyone burns anything.
Our office had this issue a number of times so they bought one that turns off automatically.
Has anyone used the paid workout plans on Fitness Blender? If so recommendations for any in particular? What did you like or dislike?
It’s been a long time and I can’t remember which program I purchased, but I was a little underwhelmed. It was just a calendar where they had planned out a schedule using older workouts from their existing library. Maybe they’ve changed or maybe it was the particular program I chose but when I saw it, it felt like something I could’ve just put together myself.
+1 definitely not worth it in my opinion.
Thanks for the feedback. That was exactly my concern.
I love Fitness Blender but agree that the paid program isn’t necessary. With that said, I think it’s only $10 so no big deal to try it. If you’re the type of person who works out 5 days a week and wants direction, it’s very good. If you’re like me and only work out 2-3 times a week, it’s less helpful.
I have gotten significant results just by doing two workouts I love (one pilates, one strength training) and doing them over and over again.
Legally Brunette – Please share the names of the two workouts :)
Yes, please share!
Sure! My two favorite ones are Tank top arms workout and Pilates lean legs for toned legs and core.
https://www.fitnessblender.com/videos/tank-top-arms-workout-best-upper-body-workout-for-toned-arms-shoulders-and-upper-back
https://www.fitnessblender.com/videos/pilates-workout-for-lean-legs-and-toned-core
Travel question. Maybe I’m missing something obvious. Is there a way to search airfare by fixed date and budget but flexible destination? Southwest used to have this functionality with their fare map, but they discontinued it :(
We’re looking to get away for the 4th (so fly either Wednesday night or Thursday morning, home Sunday), want to keep the airfare at $250pp or less, and are totally open on where to go… but it seems most “low fare tracker” tools focus on flexible dates rather than flexible destinations.
Skyscanner does this. Put in your dates and origin airport and then type ‘anywhere’ into the destination field.
Skyscanner has this feature. You just type “everywhere” in the destination – then you can narrow by country/city.
Google flights too. You can filter by # of connecting flights and price limit. Type in your origin airport/city, and then it takes you to a map of potential destinations.
Thanks!!
Kayak has this I think.
flights.google.com. I decide on all my vacation destinations this way and am doing it now :)
Does anyone have any good resources for me to look at re: helping a SO deal with depression? DH has had low-grade depression on and off for a while now. He has finally admitted that he is depressed and needs some sort of professional help. He’s starting with therapy and then going to see if he needs meds. (I really think he needs some meds at least temporarily.) I have had close friends that have dealt with depression, but having your SO be depressed quite a bit different.
I don’t, but I do have a hug for you.
So my advice comes from the other side – I’m the one depressed and my SO reached out to me to ask how he could help. So get ready for a marathon post. Here were the general tips I gave him: 1) Don’t tell me to “shake it off” or “you’ll feel better eventually”. That only makes it worse, because if I could do that, I WOULD. 2) Offer to go to therapy sessions with me. Even though I love my SO to death, having them hear my conversations with my therapist is eye opening in a way we didn’t have when I tried explaining things to him one on one. I would never do that with a friend, no matter how close. 3) Celebrate the small stuff. I didn’t cry at work today? Yay! Let’s celebrate, even if it’s just having dessert with dinner. Same with the day I finally was able to bring myself to take medication. 4) Show you’re in this together. For me, a big culture shift came when my doctor said “no alcohol”. For better or worse, our social group revolved around alcohol. He stopped drinking with me so I wouldn’t be alone in the change and it lessened the questions from friends who I wasn’t ready to come clean to. We also took all the alcohol out of the house.
There are so many more. If you’re interest in a more personal conversation, let me know and I can give you a burner email. Hugs to you and your SO. It’s huge that he’s willing to accept he needs help.
Thank you – not the OP but I’m dealing with this as well, and your response is so helpful!
It really depends on how it actually manifests. For some depression is trouble getting out of bed, lack of interest in doing things, fatigue, and generally having low-energy that’s hard to bring back up (like a never-ending half-asleep haze). For others, or at different times for the same people, it’s invasive negative, self-depreciating thoughts, that just weigh and eat on you. I have a lot of suggestions as the partner who has been depressed, and been helped but I also think it’s worth mentioning that ultimately, my mental health falls on me, and while I appreciate all the work my partner has been willing to do help support me, if they were ever in a position where it was just too much, I would have no right to fault them for it. They are not mental health professionals, they don’t have formal training to be prepared to handle these things, and it’s not their responsibility. But their help is greatly appreciated.
For the negative thoughts, it’s kind of like having a filter over your eyes that changes how things are actually perceived. The depressed person may know their perspective is off, but it can get really tiring to constantly try to remind yourself that you’re not perceiving things as they are. Acting as an external force to help re-affirm that what they’re seeing isn’t true can really help take the weight off. They might argue with you over whether it’s true they’re not a worthless failure who ruins everything they touch (not to sound hyperbolic, but sometimes brains really are that dumb). Having concrete examples of why this isn’t true (actual things they’ve done, accomplishments, achievements, etc.) are useful. Less concrete examples are harder to completely defend.
For actual trouble with productivity, acting as a sort of anchor can be so helpful. Setting morning routines, asking them what their plans for the day are so they have to make choices on what to do instead of just wasting away their free time without doing anything that recharges them (even if that plan is just to sit and play Tetris for four hours, it’s better than procrastinating for four hours and getting no benefit from it), reminding them to take their meds on time, pushing them to achieve the goals they say they’ve set, are all useful. They aren’t fun though and if you’re not naturally the kind of person to lightly manage people it can be very draining to play that role for someone else. Be careful not to take on these tasks if it breeds resentment (it’s a slow burn and a real issue). Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm and don’t put their emotional needs over your own.
Also, accomplishing at least one thing a day that progresses toward a goal is super useful. During bad times I don’t go to bed without talking to my partner about what my one thing I got done was. Sometimes it’s as small as tidying a countertop or researching something I’ll need information on later, and other times they’re much more significant things. It helps prevent stagnation.
Reddit has a lot of good forums for people suffering from mental health issues. I’m on one for a recent diagnosis. I send my BF memes from there all the time. You might find one appropriate to your SO and read it for more insight.
What do I search for when looking for this kind of belt? I’ve used it to belt a dress or a cardigan. It’s not one that fits in jeans or trouser belt loops. It’s at least two inches wide and has a buckle but no pin or belt holes. I can just pull the tail through the belt buckle until it’s adjusted to wear I want it to sit on my waist.
The 1980s?
Way harsh, Tai, but somewhat accurate.
OP I think you are looking for an obi belt. Try searching on that
An obi belt doesn’t have a buckle, it ties.
I don’t know what it is called, but search the men’s section. I found a couple in the men’s section of banana and gap recently.
You probably want something with a D-ring?
Something like this? https://www.madewell.com/woven-o-ring-belt-99105414048.html?source=googlePLA&noPopUp=true&srcCode=Paid_Search%7CShopping_NonBrand%7CGoogle%7CMWGGBS00002_99105414048_1508320939_53557875290_319174520530_c_pla_online__9031936&gclsrc=aw.ds&&gclid=EAIaIQobChMItr22oePB4gIVMR-tBh2bvAJlEAQYAyABEgIbgPD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
I searched for “D-ring women’s belt”. I have several of them made with grosgrain ribbon.
Has anyone been diagnosed with sleeo apnea or know someone who has? What was your choice of treatment, and if you had to choose between CPAP vs mouth device vs surgery, what were your considerations that swayed you in one direction rather than the other?
After a sleep study, I’ve been diagnosed with mild sleep apnea (i.e., don’t stop breathing completely, but lowered oxygen and shallow breathing for up to 25 seconds, 20+ times/hour). I’m 32, 5’8, 145 lbs and don’t have a deviated septum (problem is only in slightly narrow airway, though the airway size actually borders on normal). I also have unrelated issues of waking up spontaneously and not being able to fall asleep at the beginning of the night, but the sleep apnea accounts for 40% of the wake-ups.
The ENT doctor is recommending surgery as the first course of action. I thought a CPAP would be standard, but he isn’t recommending it because (his rationale) it will be cumbersome when I already have trouble falling asleep. And mouth devices might give rise to TMJ problems.
I’m not a fan of the 3-day hospital stay, general anethesia, 2+week recovery that the surgery would entail, and feel like I’m being pushed into surgery because it’s a hospital that specializes in surgical treatments (and of course, more $$$ — after what meager amount national insurance would cover, I would be paying $8,000+ in out-of-pocket costs, which is a HUGE amount as hospital bills in my country go). Especially since on the CT scan, my airway is borderline normal — so not sure that the UPPP surgery (surgical removal of the back area of the tongue + tonsils + adam’s apple) is called for at this stage? Obviously I am not a doctor and will be looking for second opinions at a larger hospital… but any anecdotes appreciated. Especially I am trying to weigh the potential side effects or complications of surgery as well. Thank you in advance!
My husband has pretty severe sleep apnea, despite not having many of the risk factors for it (not overweight, doesn’t smoke, etc.) He would stop breathing for close to a minute multiple times a night. He has a CPAP machine and got used to wearing it very quickly. He notices substantially better quality of sleep and wakes up much more rested when he wears it. He never had an issue falling asleep (and I joke he can fall asleep within a minute of going to bed, whereas I lie there for hours haha.) So for him, the machine has worked out well.
My daughter had sleep apnea as a toddler and the ENT recommended removal of tonsils and adnoids and it fixed her sleep apnea. A bonus is she has never had strep throat. Though I have heard recovery from tonsil removal surgery is a million times worse as an adult. If it were me, I would try the CPAP machine first.
My dad had the UPPP and ended up with a CPAP anyway. He actually likes the CPAP now – white noise, used to it, sleeps well – but 50% of people stop using them. Can you try it first?
I think you provided all the information you need – your doctor is surgery focused and told you that you have only a slightly narrowed airway, yet wants you to go through a surgery, which carries risks in and of itself so you won’t be inconvenienced?
PLEASE seek a second opinion. Or, better yet “another first opinion”. Don’t provide the new doctor with the results/prognosis of the previous doctor (other than maybe the objective numbers of the sleep apnea test so you don’t have to pay for that again) because the previous doctor’s results tend to anchor the judgment of second opinion doctors.
On another note, have you sought out an allergy and asthma doctor? Nocturnal asthma is definitely a thing (trust I have it) and with no physical structures seemingly causing your sleep apnea, it would be prudent to rule this out. Lowered oxygen and waking up in the middle of the night are classic signs, as are coughing, wheezing, trouble staying asleep…
I would get a second opinion at a minimum. My DH has significant apnea (stops breathing completely multiple times for hour, yes it is terrifying) and I expected they would push surgery given that he has other sinus issues as well. But his docs were quick to get him on a CPAP. Way less expensive and invasive. There is an adjustment period but your doc should be able to help you through those.
I, personally, believe it is worth figuring out what is causing it before you go under the knife. I think a lot of apnea is undiagnosed tongue ties. My husband’s disappeared immediately after he had his tie revised. He now tapes his mouth at night to retrain and stop mouth breathing and has never slept better. I clenched and ground severely (which some classify as apnea) and also stopped as soon as I was revised. It is a very straightforward procedure that takes about 90 seconds.
I have sleep apnea, no risk factors, and responded very well to CPAP. My brother has mild sleep apnea and saw a doc that wanted to do a surgery that would totally change his appearance. He is using a CPAP and feels great with it. You can always try surgery later if the CPAP option doesn’t go well for you. You can’t undo a surgery.
I have sleep apnea (diagnosed maybe 7 years ago?), and have used a CPAP the entire time. It has made a huge difference in my quality of sleep (and life). I had very little trouble adjusting to the CPAP machine. In regards to your concerns about TMJ, I don’t know the nuances of what necessitates a mouth device or not, but I have always used what they call a nasal pillow with my CPAP — so basically a small piece fits into my nostrils and the air is pushed in that way, with no aspect covering my mouth (I keep my mouth closed when I sleep, and even if I inadvertently open it, it creates a somewhat uncomfortable air loop that makes me close my mouth again, even in my sleep). I can also wear a mouth guard at night due to grinding my teeth with no problem. Honestly, I find the CPAP to be not a big deal. Yes, it means a little less spontaneous cuddling with my husband at night (we both have them, so we cuddle and then put on our CPAP masks and tubes), and an additional thing to travel with, but the trade off in how much better I sleep and feel has been worth it.
Reassure me that I’ll be safe and fine and okay traveling by myself, please.
I posted a week or two ago that I’m going to Boston for a conference and was having a friend come with me. Well, said friend has dropped out since he doesn’t want to take time off of work. I’ll be fine in the city by myself, right?? I haven’t booked a hotel yet, so I’d like to stay somewhere safe and centrally located. Is the Back Bay Area okay? If I take a train alone, I’ll be fine, right?
I have no idea why I’m getting panicked and anxious about this, I’ve traveled in Europe alone and was fine! For some reason though I have a ton of anxiety about doing this short trip by myself.
Back bay is TOTALLY safe! It’s an affluent area of Boston, if that gives you any consolation, and near a lot of higher-end shopping. I just came back from a trip and stayed at an AirBnb in that area, never felt unsafe even at night. Also, unless you’re taking a train at like, 1am and are in the subway car by yourself, the T and buses are full of other folks. Definitely no need to worry!
You’ll be fine! I lived in Boston for 7 years and went out plenty by myself in the evenings. It’s summer, the sun sets late, so it will be easier to avoid being out after dark if that makes you more comfortable (not that being out after dark is dangerous). Staying near the conference sounds like a good plan, for convenience as much as safety. The Back Bay is nice.
This is crazy. People live alone in Boston, people take the T alone, and people travel alone all the time. You do not need a man to chaperone you.
+1 This is weird. You’ll be fine.
Cosigned.
Yeah this is bananas.
Yes, thank you, I’m aware I don’t need a man to chaperone me. I acknowledged that this is irrational—I live in a city! I go around my own city alone all the time and I’m fine!—but thanks for the reminder that I don’t need a man.
I, too, live in a city, and admit that I would be a bit apprehensive about being on my own in a different city. I know rationally I will be fine, but my irrational part would be a little nervous. And I know it’s silly. But having a traveling companion wouldn’t be all that helpful because I am curmudgeonly and like to be by myself.
Use your hotel – ask the concierge for good places to go, how to get there, etc. I have found that doing this makes traveling alone much better. Also sit at the bar instead of a table, if you can – although I am a loner (see above), somehow I like sitting at bars, especially if the bartender is nice and willing to discuss cocktails with me.
You will be 100% fine. I lived in that area for 3 years, and of course, took the train/walked/ate dinner alone all the time! Take normal precautions (no random sketchy non-ubers, no dark alleys) and you will be fine.
Boston is an absurdly safe city, especially in that area.
I mean, if you were worried about *driving* in Boston, that would be one thing, but being there is great.
Haha on the driving.
https://meme.xyz/m/meme/32202/new-york-because-we-want-you-to-know-where-you-are-and-how-to-get-where-youre-going-boston-because-fuck-you.html
I live in Back Bay! You’ll be great. I often walk home from work alone late in the evenings (10 PM – 1 AM) and feel ok doing so. On nights when there is a home Sox game, lots of people are out and about as they get home from that, so especially on those nights I feel comfortable. Right now, the sun is going down around 8 and lots of people are out and about walking throughout the Boston Common, Comm Ave Mall, and Public Garden through dusk (these are all in/near Back Bay and would be logical places for you to be walking around). Back Bay’s Newbury Street and Boylston Street restaurants and bars keep those two areas busier and thus safer later. Just like in any city, be aware of your surroundings, don’t walk through large, dark areas at night. But I would say that Back Bay is one of the best places to stay as a solo traveler in a new city.
If you’re really nervous, staying the Westin at Copley Square connects to the Prudential Center mall (which connects to the Hynes Convention Center, if that’s where your conference is). This would allow you to still be out and about during the evening while being inside/with security nearby.
Let me know about any specific questions and I can give you some guidance that might help you feel more comfortable :-)
Thank you! Would you want to get a drink while I’m in town? Would love to meet some ‘rettes!
Yes you’ll be fine Boston is very safe.
I’d take a look at that panic — is something else going on in your life or regarding this trip or conference, or your relationship with your friend? Is anxiety/panic new to you or are you prone to panic / anxiety and it’s just attaching itself to this trip for some reason?
You’ll be fine! Let us know if you want to meet for a drink or specific advice on hotels! :)
A drink would be fun! I think I have your email from previous correspondence—I’ll shoot you an email with the dates I’ll be there and maybe we can coordinate something.
You will be fine, but I get your anxiety and I don’t think you are crazy. We are brainwashed as women that we are not safe unless we have a man protecting us. I married really young and haven’t spent much time exploring solo. Sleeping in a hotel room alone for the first time can be scary no matter where you are. Rationally, you know you are fine but your subconscious is all “what’s that noise!”
I didn’t sleep in a hotel room alone until the night before I took the bar and it was not great. I was, inexplicably, incredibly lonely even though I’d been living alone for 5 years.
Going to be in NYC for a few days next week. Budget is super tight (so tight I’m getting an air mattress and sleeping on a friend’s studio apt. floor) but wondering if there are stores I should visit that are low price but high quality that are only in NYC (or only NYC/big cities) so I don’t miss out on something when I have access to it.
(If it matters, I’m mid-30s, hourglass shape, petite.)
Uniqlo if you want new stuff, Beacon’s Closet for consignment. I’ve only been to the one in Williamsburg but every time I go I end up adding a new workhorse or two to my closet. There’s also one in Manhattan.
UGH. Any real estate attorneys in New York State? Is there anything special in case law there about easements being a reason to back out of a real estate contract?
I posted about this a few weeks ago. I inherited a piece of property upstate, and the buyer backed out last minute because there’s an easement crossing the front of the parcel to a neighboring landlocked parcel. My attorney and real estate agent (who I trust as far as I can throw them) had been pushing me to sue the buyer for specific performance, but urged me to keep his earnest money when another buyer came along. So yeah, I kept the first buyer’s earnest money because that’s what earnest money’s for. Guess what arrived in the mail yesterday? A small claims court notice. Buyer claims there’s case law in New York State that allows him to back out over this easement, and he’s suing for double his earnest money in the name of “court costs.” I’m researching now, but does that ring any bells for NY attorneys? I’m a D.C. attorney and will run up there for the day to defend this in person. Thanks. UGH.
(Details in case they’re relevant: The easement’s 100 years old and the landlocked property has a 100 year old falling down barn on it. The owner of the landlocked parcel lives out of state and has not used the barn since he inherited it X years ago…this is not a frequently used easement. The barn owner was desperate to sell it and my new buyer is buying the lot and barn for $100 plus closing costs, eliminating the easement issue altogether. I didn’t buy it because I wanted out of property up there, not more property, but there was no indication that the first buyer would have gone through with the deal even if I had bought the adjoining parcel.)
Aren’t easements always a reason to back out of a real estate deal? Isn’t that way they always do a title search during the closing process?
That’s what I thought. Even if it is, I personally wouldn’t have the appetite for the fight. Why not just give the money back/ settle, especially since you ended up selling the property? Also, while it’s probably market related, my realtor has always advised against keeping earnest money.
+1 This is not something I would fight about. Return the EMD and be done with it.
Exactly. I remember this post the first time it came around, and pretty sure I replied as such.
I don’t think it’s a case law issue, it’s a contract issue, and every real estate contract I’ve ever seen lets the buyer back out if there is a title issue they don’t want. Even if you had a terrible contract that didn’t address title exceptions, there is no way you are going to win this in court. Offer to give the money back and pay attorney fees to this point and be done.
What does your agreement of sale say? But in any event I’d just give the earnest money back and be done with it. You found another buyer.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but to me this situation is not “what earnest money’s for.” Earnest money is to protect the seller if the buyer backs out for no reason. Here, the buyer had a reason. Of course the contract governs specifically what the parties’ rights were in this case, but just as a general principle, it’s not true that sale doesn’t go through = I keep your earnest money.
I have written several negative reviews for doctors lately on Google. Recently, after writing a negative one for a high profile researcher who treated me like garbage, I noticed that ALL of my negative doctor reviews were now not showing when I sign out of Google. I then went to my account and deleted my latest negative doctor review and re-wrote a new one. I signed out of Google and saw the review…in two different browsers…and then on another laptop in the house. However, this morning, I noticed that the review count was lower that what I was seeing, and when I looked under my name it still said “1 review” and when I clicked on it, all of my doctor’s reviews were gone again…meaning my new one…still signed out of Google. Is Google that sophisticated that they know that I am trying to see my review when I am signed out of Google and they are showing it to just me to fool me? Why did they just hide all of my reviews after writing this last one? Does this high profile doc know someone at Google?
I know Yelp has an algorithm where they hide reviews they deem untrustworthy or suspicious. Maybe the sudden frequency of your low reviews triggered something for Google.
Maybe the google algorithm sees you leaving only negative reviews and has decided you’re not a real or good reviewer.
Seriously, a person who suddenly writes a ton of bad reviews is a big red flag, not just to algorithms but readers as well. OP, I don’t want to jump to conclusions or assume bad intentions, but I am curious, why are you doing this? Did you have a really unfortunate string of bad doctors recently?
I’ve written 8 reviews over 4 years. They were all negative…mainly because if I wrote a positive review, the folks I did like would know who I was and that I wrote those negative reviews. I had personal information in them that was relevant to my negative review and I didn’t want others to know. I also didn’t want people to know that I could be so negative. I know, odd…
I realize it does not make a difference at all, but it is the only recourse I have. Sadly. Therapeutic, though.
No, seriously, if you only leave negative reviews, yelp or google or any site’s algorithm will figure you’re nuts or you’re possibly a different doctor trying to smear your competition.
To be honest I kind of think you’re nuts.
They were different types of doctors. They weren’t competition. I’m glad that nothing bad has ever happened to you in this realm. It can be very disturbing.
You kind of think I’m nuts…I am kind of thinking you are a doctor. I have never even thought of doctors as “competitors” more than colleagues…maybe even “friends”.
@ Anon@11:41, people are more likely to leave reviews and respond to surveys when they have very strong feelings in either direction, so it makes sense that a reviewer would only bother to leave negative reviews. This is a variety of participation bias (non-response bias). If an algorithm is screening out reviewers who leave only negative reviews, then whoever built the algorithm doesn’t know anything about social science.
@12:08 I understand bias as I am a statistician, but I also have some knowledge of how the algorithms work, and I know they do filter on this. People who review more places tend to have a mix of positive and negative reviews, not all in one direction or the other.
That’s still a lot. And I am sorry that you’ve been having so many bad experiences, and I’m sorry you’re struggling with a chronic condition – I know someone who’s going through something similar and it can be bad – but writing so many reviews and never saying anything positive about anything from the same account isn’t really going to help you or anyone else in the long-run. It just makes you seem like someone who’s never satisfied, and no one wants to work with someone like that. There has to be another way to alleviate the situation.
So your account basically only exists to leave negative reviews and you’re shocked that they’ve singled you out as a troll?
Say you are an unethical owner of a sandwich shop, and you want to drive business away from the eight other sandwich shops in town to your business.
Maybe you would ask some of your closest friends to create Google accounts and place negative reviews for the eight other sandwich shops.
That’s what the algorithms are looking for. They don’t care if you’re a doctor.
I’m curious: does anyone actually read reviews about doctors? I guess I have so few in-network choices that are at all geographically desirable that I’m not inclined to further narrow the field (I’m in a city of 2m+, so it’s not some random rural area). Even when I was in large cities, I generally went where my friends went, until/unless I had a bad interaction myself.
Honestly, there really aren’t that many doctor reviews to go on as a whole…but I do read them. Some of the doctors I see and like have a ton of negative reviews (and there is truth to them), but I still went to/continue to see the doc because that doc suits me and my needs. I do think the reviews are helpful. No matter what someone’s opinion is about a doctor, you can often still figure out a bit of what a doctor might be like before you meet them…so you know what to expect/how to communicate, etc.
Friends and family may have different things in mind when looking for a doc…in my case…
I think the answer here is to start leaving positive reviews for the doctors you do like. Either Google will figure out you’re not the Bash Docs Brigade, or you’ll feel better about what you’re putting out into the universe.
I actually just read reviews of a doctor the other day. My doctor is retiring and referred all of his patients to another doctor. I didn’t know anything about her so I read reviews and they reassured me. There were one or two crackpots like the OP but overall the reviewers seemed like normal people who had basically good experiences with some minor annoyances, which is all I expect from a primary care provider.
“Crackpots”…Again, you must be a doctor or come from a family of doctors.
I have a disturbing, expensive chronic medical condition due to my long time doctor misdiagnosing an illness, thinking I’m a crackpot. I never even went to the doctor very often, like all the other crackpots who go there for the social interaction and to check on nothing. So…
No I’m not a doctor. I just don’t know anyone IRL who would see eight consecutive doctors and give them all negative reviews.
It wasn’t 8 consecutive docs. It was a lazy orthodontist from the past and a close friend of his I went to afterward when I didn’t realize it was a close friend. Then an older oral surgeon who is the only game in town here and doesn’t do the specialized work I needed. Then, a couple years later my long time PCP whose office got too crowded and out of control. Then some years later a gyn who said something ridiculous that no one would agree with, and another high profile gyn who did something blatantly sexist (and I never call anyone sexist). Maybe it wasn’t 8, but it was several and there was time in between. I know this is petty, but it is weird that they all disappeared. I could start leaving positive reviews…
Another issue is that I’m getting paranoid about the internet lately. It’s getting too creepy, even for me. Like, I don’t have a cat or search for cat things, but I am CONSTANTLY getting ads for every cat thing imaginable. I do talk about my neighbor’s cats a lot…Is the internet listening? Several things I just mention in the presence of my computer shows up as a creepy fake news story or ad…
Oh, you’re the person who really hates doctors and won’t listen to their seemingly spot on advice to get some therapy. I remember now.
You wouldn’t be happy if you had to wear diapers at 35 because you didn’t get proper care for an infectious disease and you were just blown off repeatedly. But thanks for your trolling comment. I hope the universe teaches you a lesson.
OK, so you come from a family of docs and/or have doc friends/a doc spouse. Yeah, my neighbor growing up was a doc and I’m well aware of the chip on their shoulder. Yes, it is hard to deal with people all day, to not be able to help everyone, to not be equipped with the knowledge to help everyone…But it is all part of the job. Many in the workforce feel underappreciated and overworked…underpaid. Many were superstars growing up with the best grades and best reputation and then real life bites them in the arse. If you can’t handle all of that without taking it out on your patients, or constantly dropping the ball…that’s your problem. YOU get therapy for your mental issue. It’s not difficult for someone with your skill set and financial resources to change careers. Meanwhile, I need help for my physical issue, and your mental issue is getting in the way…
Telling a patient to see a therapist or a psychiatrist is a punitive measure to “get even” for how bad a doc feels about him/herself and the job. It doesn’t help the patient in any way, and just gives them a scarlet letter to have to bear for the rest of their lives along with whatever medical condition they may have.
Also this…I mean, is it real?
https://www.komando.com/happening-now/429339/video-proves-that-facebook-is-always-listening
https://www.komando.com/columns/467434/is-facebook-listening-public-isnt-sure
Also the msn home page…
Man, Naive Anon, you really need some help. I don’t know if you intend this but you are coming across as irrational and paranoid. You need to call a therapist, tomorrow, and get some assistance.
Whoahhhh, you’re spiraling like crazy here. Take a step back.
I don’t read them – the doctors can’t respond due to HIPAA so I feel like there’s a greater risk of reviewers abusing the system.
When negative reviews are written, 99% of the time when you visit the doc for the first time you can just see if what the person wrote about is a true issue or not. Doc’s offices can’t hide their weak spots well. It just depends on whether you are willing to work with those weak spots or not…if they are balanced with positives…
Yes. I am an obsessive researcher/take forever to make a decision about anything and I certainly read reviews.
I ALWAYS read dr reviews. Mostly ZocDoc but Google too. I don’t put too much stock in any one review but you can see patterns — certain drs just have an overwhelming number of great reviews; others seem ok but have a ton of meh reviews. It helps you choose. Of course none of this matters if your insurance has limited coverage or you’re in an area without choices or whatever, but in NYC it has been helpful.
Same, I read reviews mostly to get a sense of what the biggest areas of complaints are. I have zero tolerance for an incompetent office staff (billing errors) or a practice that consistently runs really behind so I watch out for those.
I read them and have written them, including for a dermatologist with terrible bedside manner. I realize doctors can’t respond, but even without a response it’s pretty easy to distinguish a reasonable reviewer who had a negative experience and is sharing the facts of their experience vs a crazy person who is never satisfied and just wants to rant.
I at least try to give a thorough google after having the following experiences with mental health personnel in the last few years:
1) First Therapist – was extremely, visibly frustrated that I refused to try her suggestion of buying an exersaucer to cope with my PPD. We broke up by text.
2) Second Therapist – first session, full on berated me for not putting my child first because i took zoloft while nursing. “I would NEVER put my child at risk like that.” Also critical of me for having a c-section! Triggered my first ever panic attack, thanks lady! (Turns out she has a disciplinary history with the board, but I didn’t know yet how important googling was!)
3) Third therapist – just thought Jesus would solve my problems (I’m a Jew) which, compared to the others, is fine.
4) Fourth therapist – was antivax, which again, I was about willing to accept if I couldn’t find someone better.
5) First psychiatrist – not only believed in gay conversion therapy, but believed in it so strongly he *sued the state* arguing it should be covered by state healthcare. (I did google him before meeting him, but I had the spelling of his name wrong.)
6) Second psychiatrist – fully closed up shop without telling anyone. Like I called the answering service and they were like “yeah we have no idea where that practice went.”
So yeah, I read reviews. And write them sometimes too.
Oookay. . . I don’t understand how some of these items would even come up in a therapy context?
Hm so it seems obvious on all of them to me, but…
#1 i was talking about my anxiety and depression and how hard it was to raise a baby — so she thought i should buy an exersaucer and park the baby in it, and was hella mad when I wouldn’t (docs recommend against them)
#2 I tried to tell her I had a traumatic birth (which ended up being an emergency C), was anxious about everything including how I was starting on zoloft… so she weighed in with her opinions.
#3 That was her schtick?
#4 Again, talking about parenting. “Sometimes you have to do what you believe is best. For example, I don’t get my kids vaccinated!”
#5 When you google his name his court filings show up?
#6 I tried to make a followup appointment but couldn’t because the entire practice just disappeared, according to their answering service and other offices that were associated with them.
Are these therapists (like MS, LCW) or psychiatrists (MD) you’re talking about?
Numbers 1 – 4 were therapists, like LCWs
Numbers 5 and 6 were MDs, prescribing meds
Here’s my biased opinion as a healthcare professional who used to review patient surveys. Most people who bother return those are people who had a bad experience with the system. We also have data that shows that patient satisfaction doesn’t match empirical quality measures (infection rate, readmission rates).
My personal take on this is that often there’s a big gap between patient’s expectations and what the system can offer. Once someone has had a bad experience it’s very very hard to make things better even when patients change hospital system completely. Once the lack of trust has set, it’s hard to go back and it sets off professionals who are then more likely to make mistakes. When I encounter someone who’s had bad experiences, I go out of my way to not go out of my way and follow protocols in order to break that cycle of anxiety.
I just can’t imagine caring this much about internet algorithms.
Do people really only leave reviews when they have something negative to say? I’ve definitely seen ophthalmologists and PCPs who were fine — got the job done; had a clean/sterile office — but they weren’t overly friendly or whatever and yet because they’ve gotten the job done, I’ve reviewed them as fine/good. I’m had cardiologists that have gone above and beyond in every manner — diagnosing; treating; making sure I’m ok with the plan; talking me down (figuratively) when I’m freaked out by it all; they’re the types that I want to hug when I walk out the door (don’t worry — i don’t); they’ve gotten excellent reviews. There have been a few that were just downright clueless but very nice — they get reviewed as such. What’s the deal with ONLY reviewing when you have terrible things to say? Why not give credit to the drs who are excellent or good?
I think reviews are a waste of time, but when some arrogant arse of a doc makes your life harder, I like to do what I can to put them in their place. If a doc is good, why do I want to tell everyone so they get so popular that they can’t handle their patient load any longer and your care starts to suffer? Yeah, selfish…But really, why take the time to write a positive review. Docs are supposed to listen, give just basic respect, and know what they are talking about. That’s their job, and they don’t need a gold star for it. If they do significantly less than that, well…Some docs do go above and beyond, true…
“If a doc is good, why do I want to tell everyone so they get so popular that they can’t handle their patient load any longer and your care starts to suffer?”
What!? that is horrible and nuts! Docs can and do stop accepting new patients when they are too busy. And if you find this unicorn doc to help you feel better and improve your life, you should want that for others too! And the busier docs are the more they learn, its better for everyone. It’s called a “practice” for a reason.
-not a doc.
You are crazy.
+1 You’re coming off as conspiracy-theorist insane here. Chilllllll the f out.
Unless you’re a prolific reviewer of almost every business you patronize (and some Yelpers are) most people are only motivated to review something when they’ve had an extraordinary experience, whether good or bad. Most people aren’t motivated to leave a review of something to say “it was fine, not good not bad.” Just like people don’t make the effort to answer “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” to a survey. (This is a known problem with voluntary surveys.)
So extreme reviews isn’t an unexpected outcome, but when someone only leaves reviews one way or the other (in OP’s case all negative reviews, which is a more common problem) the algorithms are designed to filter them out.
Got it. I’m not a prolific reviewer of most businesses — but I am of doctors and hotels; I review almost every dr I’ve ever seen and every hotel I’ve stayed at so there is definitely a range in the middle that’s fine bc not everyone is excellent or awful.
One year, one of my resolutions was to review more things – things I liked, things I didn’t like, and everything in between. I feel there’s a growing need for more balanced information on products and services consumers are interested in. I haven’t been great about it, but I did recently create a TripAdvisor account just to review a hotel we stayed in last week.
I’ve been unhappy in my job for too long to mention. There isn’t a ton in my field available right now, so I’m strongly considering applying for jobs 1 or 2 levels below my current one. That would get me out of management, which is currently soul-sucking due to some really dysfunctional workplace dynamics. (I can’t tell if I hate management, or if I hate being in a leadership role in this particular organization.) I would only apply if the job itself sounds interesting. I have no aspirations to advance anytime soon, but could taking a step back be a problem later, assuming I want to get back into management at some point? I don’t love the idea of taking a huge pay cut, but that’s kind of the deal I’m making by giving up a director-level position. And, it’s a blow to the ego, but I can handle that if it means being happier at work. I guess I’m looking for reassurance that it’s OK to scale down my ambitions for awhile and that I can pick it up again later, if I want to.
I did this after burnout in my last job, and because there were not a lot of options at my current level. I ended up going to a much better company, with less direct reports (that alone made it better). I did take a 25% cut in base pay (more, if I include my bonus) and while I have made up about 20% of that in the past 5 years (and moved to the same title I was at before), even if I had stayed at that lower rate and title I would be fine because I am so much happier at a better company.
Burnout is a driving factor for me. I have been trying to get a handle on it WITHOUT leaving my current position, but I’ve been trying long enough that I think I need a clean break more than anything else.
Tips for helping an SO deal with stress and addiction? My partner has been having issues with nicotine (vaping) since October and has been dealing with tons of employment-related stress since last summer. For a long time he insisted that he could quit at any time, but in March he admitted that he wasn’t in control and met the criteria for addiction (vaping all the time, spending way more money on it than he meant to, thinking of it constantly when he wasn’t vaping, family history of addiction, would throw everything away and then buy new vapes and cartridges a few hours later, etc.). He gave all his vaping stuff to me to get rid of and for a couple of weeks attended online nicotine anonymous meetings most evenings. He stopped doing the online meetings because there was a lot of emphasis on leaning on Jesus/being broken without God/only faith can help you overcome addiction and we’re not religious.
Yesterday when I got home from work he was home sick on the couch and there was a new vape pen on the table. He grabbed it and stuck it under a pillow to hide it from me. After asking how he was feeling, getting him medicine, etc. I asked him about it and he said he bought it a week ago (with cash so I wouldn’t see the purchase) and was secretly using it. He said he’d been trying to vape even though he had strep and it physically burned to use.
I know that I’m not equipped to be the only person who helps him work through his addiction or even to be the only person he’s accountable to (due to the issue of hiding things/lying/feeling embarrassed about blowing our budget by buying a bunch of vape cartridges). He found a free local anonymous group but said he’s embarrassed to go because vaping is a relatively wimpy addiction (compared to cigarettes, I guess) and he doesn’t think he needs the online group because they’re religious and most of the people online have addictions that screwed up their lives way more than his (affecting their work, losing thousands instead of just hundreds of dollars, destroying relationships). I’ve floated the idea of therapy a handful of times for his employment stress and separately to deal with addiction, but he is really hesitant about it (out of fear and embarrassment, I think).
I don’t want to make this into a bigger deal than it is, but he’s so stressed out and I don’t know what else to do. He says that vaping is a really unhealthy and addictive habit for him and I’m worried that if he doesn’t find new ways to deal with stress he’s going to end up in an even worse place. He doesn’t talk to anyone else about it and I don’t want to be the one to ask him about it, take his stuff, watch his spending, etc. because I think that will just lead to resentment/lying/hiding.
It’s fascinating to me that he’s gone to this level of hiding and embarrassment over vaping but…it is still an addition so at least he acknowledges he wants to stop.
OP, why hasn’t he done what vaping was originally designed to do…quit nicotine addiction by very slowly lowering the amount of nicotine content over several months to a year to nothing. He obviously does need some sort of support group or therapist because there are other things going on here, but the physical addition to nicotine seems the easiest to resolve – but quitting cold turkey doesn’t seem like it will do it here. Better to keep vaping while decreasing nicotine content over a year than stress, struggle, lie, and hide over the next 10 trying to keep going cold turkey.
Thanks for the response. We both originally bought cheap vapes on a road trip and they’re not the kind where you can adjust the amount of nicotine or mix flavors. It turns out that they type we bought (Vuse Solo) has one of the highest amounts of nicotine, much higher than cigarettes.
He’s only “quit” once, and he thought cold turkey would be best because that’s how he’s been able to kick other bad habits in the past. Maybe buying a vape that has adjustable nicotine levels will work better.
This is all so bizarre to me. Who decided that vaping nicotine was less addictive than smoking nicotine in a cigarette. Marketing, I guess.
Your SO is addicted. He needs to go to his doctor for advice. He needs to wear a nicotine patch to deal with his cravings.
My mother was a smoker and a drinker. She quit both eventually, but said quitting smoking was the hardest thing she has ever done. Quitting smoking has been compared to quitting heroin. Nicotine addiction is real, it is physical, and it is not just a sign of weakness.
+1
Going “cold turkey” on nicotine is not something I have EVER seen someone do successfully. He needs help weaning off the addiction.
I agree, help cant hurt, but, I could name fifty people I know who quit smoking without nicotine patches or the like. Including me, all my friends from college, both my parents, my husband, his parents, etc.
I feel like anecdotes like this aren’t helpful. If OP’s boyfriend is already struggling with feeling like he’s not man enough to just quit or whatever, saying “pshaw I know 50 people who quit cold turkey including myself!” is only going to make him feel worse.
Statistically, most people need some help, and I mean help beyond Internet groups. I would still consult a doctor – even just your SO’s primary care doctor will have helped many of his or her patients through nicotine withdrawal. Which, again, is a physical withdrawal and not just a question of character. You’re likely looking at some combination of nicotine replacement like the gum or a patch, and possibly antidepressant medication – these are the proven methods for smoking cessation.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24402784/
Thank you all for your responses. I think I will suggest that he go talk to his doctor; maybe that will be a more palatable option for him than seeing a therapist. I have no frame of reference for any of this. I vaped for a little while, but it was strictly recreational and I had no issues at all stopping in solidarity when he quit. I don’t think he’s weak or that this is a character flaw at all. I see it as a medical issue (and one that he very likely inherited, since there’s a family history of various addictions), but he struggles a lot with thinking vaping is some sort of moral failure on his part, especially now that he has tried to quit and relapsed.
I wasnt saying it to make her or her husband feel bad. I was simply pointing out that it is not a heroine addiction, and many people, in fact, can quit. Not everyone, but not no one. I actually found it motivational to think about all the people who had quit. If I believed smoking was so addictive that the quitting rate was 100% failure without intervention, I would have felt hopeless and overwhelmed.
Is he in therapy for that work related stress? And to deal with his addiction?
No, he’s not in therapy for anything. I’ve suggested it for stress several times (without bringing up addiction) and to help him find ways to deal with stress other than nicotine, but he’s hesitant about it.
This is an old post, but if he is serious about quitting, consider that pill that can help.
My SO was in a similar-ish spot (but with real cigarettes.) He wanted to quit mentally but struggled. He took the pill, he hated it, it made him feel awful, but he has successfully quit. The “feeling awful” part really seemed to work for him.
What are typical legal fees for closing a residential loan on the sell side? I’m in Massachusetts if that matters.
A family member is my closing attorney. I’ve insisted on paying him but the draft statement just came out and there are no fees penciled in but for covering costs (title searches and whatnot). I’m hell bent on finding a way to pay him – this is the third transaction now he’s worked on for me and this one has come with some hiccups (mostly dealing with a nasty abutter of the house I’m selling). I will find a way to compensate him but I’d like just a benchmark for what the cost might typically be. TIA!
You can shop around for closing fees! Just call another settlement company or two and ask them for their price list, that should give you some idea of a ballpark.
Depends on your state, but there usually aren’t many fees that the seller pays to the closing attorney or title company unless its a split settlement. Is the buyer paying a closing fee or buying title insurance?Your family member is making their money from that
I am a Mass real estate attorney representing buyers and sellers. The typical attorney fee that a seller would pay his or her attorney for handling the purchase and sale agreement, drafting the deed and attending the closing is usually $700 to $800.
Seller’s attorneys here don’t make or share any other fees from the closing,
What are your favorite interior design blogs or websites? I need inspiration for a renovation (everything but kitchen). My style is classic but eclectic; I’m scared to dump savings into anything too trendy.
I love Houzz because I can type in search terms and see rooms similar to mine. Also Pinterest for the same reason. I also love House of Turquoise dot com, although I feel like that specific look is getting pretty played out.
Amber Lewis, Lauren Liess, Brooke Giannetti, Phoebe Howard, Andrew Howard. Instagram is probably a better resource than blogs for this kind of stuff at this point.
If you like “eclectic” style you might like Emily Henderson, but her style skews a bit twee for me.
I also love consulting on interior design and decor, happy to take a look at anything you have as someone to bounce ideas off of. Let me know if that interests you and I’ll post a burner email.
Yeah +1 to Instagram being better. My whole Instagram feed is pretty much shelter porn at this point.
I love these pants- however at $150 per pair… is spendy for me. Has anyone found a dupe?
I bought a Deneuve top on e b a y and have washed it cold, delicate cycle in the washing machine and hung to dry. (Probably wouldn’t have taken that risk if I had bought it full price!) I have had no issues with that at all and I’ve probably washed it a dozen times.
My previous employer reached out to me with a “hey we have an opening and thought of you” email today. I am spiraling. I left that job to do contract work (no benefits) because boss was a micro-manager and place was generally toxic. New job would be with people I know pretty well and genuinely like. I would have health benefits, vacation time and 9/80s again. I could have mat leave if we had another kid. OTOH, it’s in the city center and we’re in the suburbs ATM, renting, but looking to buy. I love my son’s day care and would hate to move him but it would be necessary. I know it’s late in the day but…this is crazy, right? I am considering going back to a job that is the definition of toxic work environment so I can have good healthcare and 4 weeks of vacation.
This is late so maybe repost tomorrow…
But in case you check back – I don’t think there’s any harm in exploring further! You can say you’d like to hear more, or even submit an application, without really needing to give serious thought things like finding new daycare for your son. My recommendation would be to suggest a follow-up conversation to hear more, and during that conversation, feel out if you think the situation would be any different/better – would you report to the same boss as before? Have they taken any steps to address other toxic issues, and would you encounter the same issues this new role? Would it be a sizable pay bump?