Color Vs Going Gray: What’s Your Approach?
Are you coloring your hair — or going gray? I found my first gray hairs at age 26 (thanks, bar exam!) but honestly haven't thought much about it until the past few years. There's no right answer for how to handle it, so I thought we'd do a “this or that” style post with input from me, Elizabeth, and Kate. So let's discuss: color vs going gray!
How are you handling your grays? Do you have any tips on coloring, DIYing, frizz, cuts, or more? (Have the events of the past year or two changed your approach and mindset?) Do tell…
A few resources I know of if you're interested in going gray (for inspiration and support): Grombre (website) and the hashtag #silversisters, which will take you to a wealth of Instagram accounts.
{related: how to go gray intentionally}
Hair Color vs. Going Gray: 3 Women Share Their Approaches
Kat's Approach: Go Gray (For Now, at Least)
I remember being slightly judgy about my mom, who never wore makeup and never dyed her hair, but at this point in my life, I'm on the same page for hair, at least: I'm just not interested in having regular color appointments, and I feel like DIYing it would be a recipe for disaster.
I DO keep a little Pinterest board of “white streaks” because I absolutely LOVE that look and think it's edgy but also age-appropriate.
(Queen Letizia, as always, is #goals.)
But unfortunately it seems like for most women, the white streak is natural (i.e., your natural hair is totally white) and then the hair around it is dyed — so I think it's even more upkeep than just dying your hair.
The biggest thing that has bugged me about gray hairs in the past has been how frizzy they are, but at the moment I feel like my hair is doing OK on frizziness — I've been following the Curly Girl Method since November or so (including heated hair masks; see our Coffee Break later today!) — and my hair and frizz seems to be reacting well… thus far. I also stopped plucking my gray hairs several years ago, I think on advice from readers here — after all, if you pluck the hair and it grows back, you end up with wispy baby hairs that stick up and create frizz. (And they're still gray.)
A few years ago when I had a few keratin treatments, I felt like they helped the frizzies — but because the rest of my hair was so smooth I also felt like they stood out more. I'm not doing keratin at the moment, both because I'm lazy and because I'm doing the CGM, but readers, if you're getting keratin treatments, I'd love to hear how you think it affects your grays.
I'm still probably only about 10-15% gray at this point, but because the rest of my hair is so dark you notice it.
{related: corporate women and gray hair (guest post)}
Elizabeth: Demi-Permanent Color
Somehow, I’ve beaten the genetic odds and made it to my late 30s with only a handful of gray hairs. (Both of my siblings are very much in the “salt and pepper” stage of graying now.)
I spent dozens of hours and thousands of dollars getting caramel highlights in my medium-brown hair when I was in my twenties, and I just don’t see myself committing that amount of time and energy into my hair color anytime soon.
Now, when the grays are looking particularly noticeable, my hairstylist applies a single-process, demi-permanent color. The demi-permanent color is perfect because it covers the gray but fades out after 4–6 weeks, so you’re not left with dramatic roots.
It works for me for now, although I expect that when the grays become more prominent, I’ll start taking more drastic steps.
All the women in my family have been coloring their hair for decades, so it’s just never really occurred to me to do anything different! Perhaps I’ll feel differently when it becomes a more substantial commitment.
Kate: Going Gray (For Now)
I'm in my early 40s but am lucky enough to only have a few grays here and there. I've left them alone … for now. Once I start getting more, they'll be pretty obvious, because my hair is a medium brown. I have no idea what I'll do about it, though — say “F*** it” or do something to hide the gray…
My husband, who's a year older, started going gray pretty early and now has a nice “salt and pepper” thing going on — but to me it looks just as good as when his hair was still all black. I'm not exactly to eager to “age gracefully” in general, so we shall see…
Readers, where are you in the “color vs. going gray” debate? What are your best tips, no matter what you're doing?
I’m 38 and almost entirely/100% white-gray, and have been at least 50% gray since I was in my early 20s. I have dark hair. It’s definitely genetic, as many others in my family have had very early gray (mine really started in high school). For now, I hate the time and money spent on this, but I’m not willing to be totally gray before I’m 40 and with two toddlers. I try to look on the bright side and think I can afford this, and the monthly hair color appointment is very much my self-care opportunity. If I’m being honest I can’t see stopping my regular color appointment before I turn 50. I love it on other people but not me. Whenever I decide to stop coloring my hair I will be fully gray-white and I’m just not there yet!
This is exactly me, except I hate my color appointments and stretch them out as long as possible with headbands and root touch up spray. But I just can’t bring myself to embrace all over gray yet- I think it would require almost more upkeep to look polished and I don’t have the will for that either.
One of my friends is still coloring in her mid-50s, she’s been going gray since her late 20s. She doesn’t plan to stop any time soon. All about what you’re comfortable with and willing to maintain!
I started graying in high school, in an unattractive mannish way (sprays over my temples). I am about 75% dark brown and 25% gray. I get my roots professionally done every three weeks, because my grays won’t take up boxed color (I’ve tried every brand. Yes, that one too. Yes, and the additive from the beauty supply stores.). It’s time-consuming but not expensive, so I look at it as my night away to unwind. I intend to keep it up indefinitely. Once I’m fully gray and don’t need two-step color, I plan to experiment with fun colors, like navy blue and violet. I don’t see myself ever giving up coloring completely, that just doesn’t interest me.
Ha! I’m 42 and I have a toddler and I’ve got the gray streaks at my temples as well but I never thought of them as mannish or unattractive. A little Bride of Frankenstein, maybe, but it never struck me as a butch thing.
Aside from my man streaks I have a smattering of gray scattered around my head and my natural color is almost black so the gray hair that I do have stands out.
To each their own, but I’m embracing it. I’m Indigenous and our culture regards age as an honor and a privilege so even though I definitely face the same ageist messages from mainstream settings, my base programming has a streak of pro-ageing messages built in (pun intended).
Hiiii, also Indigenous! Excited to see you on here!
I’m 37, long dark brown hair with very little grey. I didn’t start seeing greys until this past year, and I think it’s definitely stress-related. I occasionally do a semi-permanent burgundy color for fun. The greys take that color, but it isn’t to cover up.
My younger sister went grey much earlier; she was where I am now, at 28. She also doesn’t color her hair and has no plans to do so.
Omg yay!!!!! So excited to see another person from Team Indigenous on here! [waves wildly]
I’m the OP you’re replying to: I believe it is very much a cultural thing, as you mention. I’m Italian with wiry thick waves, and I get a LOT of Paulie Walnuts jokes when my roots are grown out. I expect the look is very different on an indigenous person.
Good point! Paulie Walnuts did really rock that look, but he’s not my style icon either. (Although I do respect his track suit collection)
I’m 44 and stopped colouring four years ago. I also have very strongly contrasted silvery grey streaks at my temples. I am a dark brunette with pale skin and hazel green eyes. I absolutely love it and think it looks fabulous. I can’t imagine ever thinking it looked mannish (?). I get loads of compliments on it and people tell me all the time it looks elegant.
As a natural blonde, allowing the greys to come naturally is fine for now. I get a little more ashy toned, and other than that it’s no big deal. At 10 percent grey I still have a colour other people pay to have done.
Semi permanent (the at home stuff) to cover the greys and turn dark blonde to red. Age 40. People think it’s natural. I like the way it looks.
I’m almost 50 and have gray/white hairs coming in, maybe two dozen? It’s noticeable in good light, although my hair is very dark brown so increasingly noticeable as they come in with more friends. I can’t be bothered with regular appointments for anything, so will just let ’em keep coming. Since I’m going gray later/not early, I won’t look prematurely old, and frankly, with my current profession, adding a few years to my appearance is a net positive. I am finally beginning to look as senior (at work) as I actually am, which has made a lot of things run more smoothly and with fewer battles for me.
I’m 45 and have very minimal gray, maybe not even 10%. To me not covering it looks weird as the gray is distributed very unevenly. So I’m dyeing it at home and will continue to do so until I get to a percentage of gray I feel like will look flattering on me. I am hoping to get to a nice all-over salt-and-pepper situation soon, but am not optimistic given my mom and grandma’s experiences (their gray stayed really random and patchy until they were in their 70s).
I’m 51 and I’m still hennaing my hair, even though more and more white roots are salting my hairline. I just had a consultation/sanity check with my hairdresser about this. We’ve agreed that full coloring is still a good option for me for the next 2 – 3 years. I do it myself at home.
Many of my friends are going beautifully silver/gray/white. If the time comes for me to embrace my natural color, I’ll grow it out over the winter, under hats/scarves/headbands, and then go for a pixie cut. Because my color is henna, it can NOT be stripped out without a lot of hair damage.
Will that time come? I look at Grace Coddington and I think there’s something to be said for keeping iconic red hair. I am making changes to my style and the colors I wear as time passes, so we’ll see.
I don’t have a dog in this fight, I so far have no grays at 35. My hair is naturally a sort of warm honey brown/dark blonde/auburn, and I think I may try henna at first. I did henna on and off in my 20s, and it seemed to work well on my hair.
The texture comments have me thinking, though, because my hair is so straight, frizzy is going to throw my long hair for a loop. Maybe I’ll need to consider staying short.
I’m 43 and just starting to get more greys. I was getting my roots done every couple of months in a salon–but with covid, i started using a boxed semi permanent dye (my stylist always did semi). I like it, takes a half hour about once a month, fades after a few weeks, but still looks natural. I’m still dying my hair, but I think sticking with the semi permanent will help ease my way into no dye eventually. Just not ready for that yet :)
I got my first gray at 14, but it didn’t really start coming in until my early 30’s. My hair is dark, straight, thick, and grows fast. I knew I wouldn’t have the time or patience to keep up with coloring it to cover the grays, so I’ve been letting it do its thing for 20 years now. I’m probably 20% gray now, and I like how it has come in, because it’s a bright silver-white which contrasts my dark hair nicely. I have a few good streaks now, too, which I had always hoped for. For me, the frizz is worst when a hair is changing from dark to gray, and I will sometimes pluck those hairs, because they come back in gray, but smoother.
Products that work for me include:
– Living Proof Prime Style Extender – My hair is much dryer than it used to be, so I only wash it twice/week. This cream really works to keep my hair looking smooth. I honestly sometimes don’t even brush my hair for WFH, even with on-camera zooms, because it can look that good just out of bed!
– IGK Crybaby smoothing serum – I don’t use this every time I style my hair, but it makes all the difference when it’s humid out in controlling the frizz.
– Biossance 100% Squalene Oil – I bought this for my skin, but didn’t love it, so I’ve been using a few drops on dry hair. Great for smoothing frizz and adding softness and shine.
I found my first gray hair at 12 and started coloring it to cover up the grays at 19. I am 45 and my hair is now nearly 100% white with a few dark brown hairs left. I have it professionally colored a couple of shades lighter than my natural dark brown every 4 weeks. I would instantly look 10-15 years older than my real age if I let it go white, and I’d still have to have it colored with gray streaks to blend the few dark hairs that are left, so I am continuing to color it for now. If I had the money, time, and inclination to pursue aggressive cosmetic dermatology so my face and neck had zero wrinkles or saggy skin, I’d be more willing to let my hair go white.
At 42, I have stopped coloring my hair for the first time since I was 15. I am seeing a few grays as it grows out and it’s fine by me. I don’t plan to do anything at this point. I want to see what it all looks like when it’s fully natural, which is going to take a some time as my hair is pretty long!
I’m coming up on 60 and I don’t have a lot of gray, about 10-15% according to the guy who does my hair. I started coloring it about 10 years ago because my brown hair became very dull and mousy. I also do some highlights. A few of my friends went totally gray during the pandemic and they look great – I really like their gray coloring. One is white-ish gray and another is very silvery. Apparently there are rinses, coloring, etc. that enhance the gray color and of course it’s not so noticeable when it grows out. When I do go totally gray, I’ll probably do something like that.
I’m 41 and about 50% gray. I’ve been coloring forever and am seriously considering stopping. I’m getting really tired of the upkeep, and at this point, I’m fighting a losing battle. However, I know the grow-out period is going to drive me insane (medium brunette hair with golden highlights). I currently have about 7 weeks of grown-out roots and have a regular haircut scheduled for tomorrow. Still on the fence about whether to get my roots done, per the usual, or just let it go and see what happens.
If you happen to have straight hair and a side part you can try the ‘dye-strip’ technique. That’s what I did to avoid the awkward growing out phase. Super easy if you are willing to continue coloring for a few months.
can you elaborate on this? I’m interested in the same thing as 3:42
The idea is that you stop applying dye everywhere except where you part your hair. The grays start to grow in underneath, but the re growth isn’t visible right away. That way you don’t look like you have gray roots. After 8 months I flipped my part to the other side. By then, I had about ear length re growth that was salt and pepper. I still have some dyed ends, but it looks ok. Almost like a baylage effect? I made sure my dye color matched my natural colour as closely as possible before I started.
You can find some before and after photos by googling. That is how I discovered it. I think it would be best with a bob or longer style, where the new growth isn’t visible except where the hair parts.
I have straight hair and rock a side part, but does it work for shorter hair?
I’m in the same boat in age and gray %. I threw some money and time at easing the transition between coloring my hair and stopping. My colorist stripped out my old color, re-dyed my hair to better match my natural non-gray color, added highlights and lowlights so as my roots grew out the transition was fairly seamless. I babied my hair with lots of moisturizing for a while after that, but the plan made the transition smoother (no obvious line of demarcation). A couple years into just being gray and I love ease of it. If I’m going to spend several hours as “me time” I’d rather it not be sitting in a chair for a significant chunk of change.
I am fairly pale and freckled and I don’t typically wear makeup (time, energy, expense, general desire to buck societal pressure), but I may add eyeshadow and mascara back in just to up the contrast in my face. Jury’s out.
“If I’m going to spend several hours as “me time” I’d rather it not be sitting in a chair for a significant chunk of change.”
This right there. I am a dark ash brown, 10-15% gray, on the temples mostly. I used to colour for fun, but got tired of the time and money sink and the smells of the dyes and stopped colouring at 42 pre-pandemic and loved the results. I am 45 now, and I am kind of proud of my grays, age and wisdom earned. I figure the time to look my age is now, so people don’t throw a fit one day when I am older if I stop colouring then…
How often do you all touch up your roots? I’m 45, 10-25% gray with the rest dark brown, but seems likes my natural part is particularly gray. After 6 weeks, I’ve got 1-1.25 inch of roots showing. And I’m short with very straight hair. I go to a salon.
I used to do it every 6-8 weeks. But now that I’m more than half grey, I’m finding I need to go in every 4 week (and it looks pretty bad during the fourth week). It’s very time consuming . . . .
naturally blonde though darker every year. less than 10% grey and at my right temple mostly. my mom is nearly 87 and just getting to silver and she looks amazing. we’ve always loved silver gray and white.
for those using box blondes at home what brand do you recommend? I’ve done twice and ended up. like a carrot!!
I have used NaturTint home hair color for years and it gives me very consistent results that I like to maintain a light strawberry blonde. It covers my greys fine. Their website and blog are super informative and their tech support is available by phone. If they don’t have exactly the shade you want, you can do a mix to get what you want.
I started getting grey hairs at 19, and started coloring to cover them at 24. My natural color is a very dark brown, but I had lightened my dyed color to a medium golden brown over the years to ease the contrast with the roots. I was at a point where once every four week touch ups weren’t cutting it any more when the pandemic struck. All the salons in my area were closed for a good four months. By that point, I had a good two inches of grey root going. Since I was working from home, I decided to ride it out and see what the grey would look like. It’s been almost two years now, and my hair is totally grown out (it’s in a bob right at the shoulder). I like it and the feedback from the BF and other friends has been positive. I’m keeping it! (I’m 57, work for the Federal Government)
Red hair going white at age 48 here. It is somewhat subtle because I’ve always had blonde strands, so it doesn’t necessarily scream white but visually reads like it is getting blonder, but I don’t like it. I’ve always loved white hair and thought that the red dyes I saw on older people were awful and that I would never do that. And now I’m here and wondering where even to start! I tried henna in high school to intensify the red and it was a disaster, so I’m a little wary of henna. Does anyone know of a red rinse or something short of dye that would make it look less white, or is it just a commit-to-dyeing situation?
Sadie from earlier here. Hair professionals agree – don’t use henna to cover grays on fair red hair, you’ll be a prisoner of henna like me. If your hair is thick and in good condition, a salon can help, of course. But for something at home that’s a bit different: peach or rose gold!! Consider a semi-permanent peach or rose gold rinse. These shades are more red than traditional strawberry blonde, very flattering to a range of complexions, and very contemporary.
Sadie, thanks for this thought! This sounds just right. I’ll look into it!
Sadie, thanks for this thought! This sounds just right. I’ll look into it!
I started coloring incoming grays at around 53-54, dark brown hair. I stuck with demi-permanent until covid hit and salons were closed. My last hair color was February 2020. I love my hair color now. It’s a streaky, silvered dark brown. I am 65, but I have genes in my favor to keep some color for years longer, just adding more natural sparkle over time.
55+ here. I stopped salon coloring when I started needing a touch up monthly. That was right before the pandemic hit, so I have grown in my grey without many folks noticing. I don’t think I will go back to color, it’s nice to have hair that isn’t dry and damaged.
I’m 44 and I stopped coloring at 38, because it was becoming clear I would have had to color every 3 weeks and I just couldn’t be bothered anymore. Plus I knew the transition would be easier then than later. Now I’m about 50-60% grey (a mix of steel grey and silver/white) in the front, far less underneath/in the back. I condition the heck out of it and otherwise baby it (no heat styling, etc.) so it’s not frizzy. I’ve been thinking about getting a mix of highlights/lowlights so my whole head matches (while being lower maintenance), but I’ve never done pro color and the whole prospect seems too daunting. We’ll see if I take the plunge.
Not gonna lie, I miss my brown hair, but this is far easier and I don’t think it looks terrible. And frankly, if I were a man, no one would care about my going grey. That’s not the only reason I stopped coloring, but it was kind of the tipping point.