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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices
If you've been a fan of Anthropologie for a while, you know that they've had a ton of fun prints and patterns over the years. They are bringing those back in “reimagined” versions, four every month, for 52 conversations by anthropologie. One of the first is this “fancy ants” top (which is perhaps a little low-cut for some). Also, I loooooove this ’40s-inspired blouse in vintage prints, but only verrrry limited sizes are left — I also love this wrap blouse (though not a vintage print). The pictured top comes in straight sizes (XXS–XL) and petite sizes (XXS–L) and is $78. Colloquial Sleeveless Buttondown
For plus sizes, Loft has a split neck shell in a few prints, and they're now 50% off.
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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Moving/Packing Advice
I’m in the trenches of packing up my whole apartment and have hit kind of a hump. I’ve deal with most of the things that fall into discrete categories (clothes, books, dishes, linens, etc.) but I have a mental block or something about packing miscellaneous things. I cleaned out, threw away, and donated a bunch of stuff, but I still have things left that I want or need to keep. They tend to be awkward sizes and I’m not sure where they’ll go in the new place so I don’t know how to sort them. For some reason, having multiple boxes labelled “misc.” really bugs me and I can’t seem to make myself pack them. Has anyone else encountered this or do you have strategies to deal with solo items in an organized way?
ANP
Just did this! Couple of things: is it worth it to have your movers pack this last round of miscellaneous stuff? Can you use wardrobe boxes for big/awkward but lightweight items? If there are 10 items that you don’t know where they’ll go in your new space, can you group those “homeless” pieces together and then get them into one/a few boxes?
Baconpancakes
Can you give examples of the kinds of things you’re talking about? If it’s things like craft items, string, wrapping paper, I would put them in a small box and label it “crafting” and maybe put that box into a larger box labeled “misc.” Pictures? Exercise equipment? I’m having trouble imagining what you’re talking about.
Moving/Packing Advice.
Just looking around, a few of the things in the immediate vicinity are a package of cardstock, a ring holder, a board game, a witch hat, a drying rack, a large paper wall decoration, and 3 empty picture frames.
Anonymous
I’d personally probably just toss all of that unless you can visualize what you need it for.
Moving/Packing Advice
I genuinely use all of these things (photos to fill the frames are in the mail, the witch hat is once a year but it always gets use, the wall decoration will probably go on a wall in the new place, just not sure which wall yet, etc.) which is why they survived my other pre-moving purges, so it seems pretty wasteful to get rid of them and likely have to buy new versions just because I couldn’t figure out how to pack them in an organized way.
Anonymous
Ah…there’s the problem, in your comment, “Couldn’t figure out how to pack them in an organized way.” It sounds like you’re down to the part of moving where you’re left with stuff that can’t be organized. So this is the point where you ::give up:: on the organization, and just pack. So you get a box or boxes, put the stuff in, write something on it about what’s in here, and tape it up. Not organized, but done.
Aggie
Every move, I have 4-5 boxes simply labeled “stuff.” I will take an inventory of each box and store it in Evernote. IE: Stuff 1: Drying rack, picture frames, card stock, etc…
Yes it is unorganized…but it is done and ultimately that is what matters.
anon a mouse
Put it all in the same box. Label with room and list a couple of items. Like “Random, living room, witch hat, drying rack etc.” That way if you are looking for something before you are completely unpacked, you have an idea of where it might be, if you can remember where it was in your old place.
Shananana
Yes, at some point I just start labeling them by room. This is bedroom, this is kitchen, this is desk, etc. At least then it makes it to the right room. If it really bothers you, I have also used the number the box, then make a running list of what I put in that number box in a notebook. Then if you need to find something you know what misc box it landed in :)
Lana Del Raygun
I always have a lot of misc stuff (on which a college friend bestowed the blessed name “random-a s s bull s h i t”), and I pack it up according to where it lives. Example: the three boxes of “desk RAB” that I still haven’t unpacked. Also I told my little sister that “RAB” stands for “uh, Random Assorted Belongings.”
Moving/Packing Advice
It makes me unbelievably happy that RAB is also the mystery initials from Harry Potter. Might reconsider my stance on misc boxes just to use this abbreviation :)
Horse Crazy
I thought the same thing when I read Lana’s comment. Harry Potter nerds unite!
Houda
Just went through this and am now in the process of unpacking them. It can be a nightmare when you are short on time to have them laying around. A bit of extra segmentation definitely helps.
I ended up having some misc boxes as follows:
– Everyday bathroom things = I knew that once I’d sort out the towels and full size items, I could open this box
– Halloween / fancy dress = box is still in storage
– Decorative items and potential gifts = last thing to open
– Small bedroom items = when bedroom is looking decent, I can open it
– Stationary goods = not needed now
– Travel size products and accessories = don’t open unless you have an upcoming trip
Then had a box that had everything that remained
Moving/Packing Advice
I like the idea of sorting things by when I’ll need them/when to open the box! It will definitely help make the unpacking a little less haphazard.
Anonymous
Honestly I didn’t realize there was another way to do this – I’ve always done kitchen/bedroom/bathroom, etc.
Anonymous
You just have to do it. There’s no solution to this other than just making yourself do it.
Senior Attorney
Last time I moved, I knew a lot of stuff would stay in boxes for a while, so I got super organized and actually numbered each box and made an inventory of what was in it:
Box 14: Witch hat, empty picture frames, card stock, Monopoly game, ring holder, drying rack, large paper decoration
It only takes 30 seconds to type it out and oh my goodness it was SO helpful when I was unpacking, or when I needed a specific thing but the box hadn’t been unpacked yet.
Senior Attorney
To elaborate a bit… I had a document on my computer and if I needed, say, the witch hat, and it hadn’t been unpacked yet, I just needed to search for “witch hat” in the document and it would show me what box it was in.
Never too many shoes...
My only concern with this method would be having the West Wing moment where Donna flips out because the list of what was in each box somehow ended up packed in one of the boxes.
Senior Attorney
HAHAHA! I’d forgotten that!
It was on my computer so no worries! And I emailed it to myself for a backup.
Anonymous
Yup, I did this too. So helpful.
And I had a few big boxes, and small boxes, that were just stuffed with the randoms. I often threw in some extra towels/sweaters to help pad the awkwardly sized or more fragile things. Some of these boxes are left open for weeks, adding random things as appropriate.
Anonymous
So, I did the whole number the box and list its contents in the excel spreadsheet before moving thing and…I really haven’t looked at the spreadsheet since. So, I suppose it’s good in case you need it, but I also knew which were the boxes that just had the random stuff in it.
Shrug.
Anonymous
The best way I have ever dealt with this is to have a friend come over who didn’t have that mental block about needing to be organized with all the random cr@p. She just packed things in boxes without thinking, and honestly that was the easiest, least painful way I have ever moved. Try to adopt that attitude — just put it in a d@mn box and move on. I know this is easier said than done.
ANP
Although I’m not sure I could pull off this top, I’ve been having better luck than usual finding business-y pieces at Anthro lately.
Can we talk about health? I need some guidance. After birthing three babies (the youngest of which is now 3), I’m trying to come to grips with my body and my health now that I’m in my late 30’s. Obviously my body composition has changed with age and the aforementioned baby-having. I’m about 5-10 lbs. up from where I’d like to be (not even my lowest weight ever or anything like that — just a baseline). I’ve had some success with weight loss using the Whole30 and also by being on Weight Watchers (at separate times in my life), but I always creep back up once I’m no longer being super careful about my food. TL;DR — I can be skinny, but it takes a TON of effort and tracking. Also, I like food!
I’m now thinking I’m better off focusing on my health vs. a number on the scale. It has always been hard for me to find the motivation (and time) to work out, but maybe I just need to make good, healthy food choices and then get some daily exercise in? The harder part for me is, I think, accepting that this weight/flab situation is my new normal. Like, I know I’m never going to have a super-cut rock-hard (or super-skinny) body, and I should be OK with that. But it’s hard.
I realize 5-10 lbs in the scheme of things is not a big deal, but this is a whole new way of thinking for me. Any thoughts y’all might have would be appreciated.
Anonymous
I visualize myself as I was from 16-25. And I am now pushing 50. That’s a high bar for me to cross now (I’m within 5 pounds of my weight then; very very different body composition though). FWIW, when my mother was my age, I was in college. If I think of it that way, I am doing very good among the crowd of parents-of-college-aged children (so why do I still compare myself to the children???).
At any rate, it’s not really a big problem. And that swimsuit model thing was never going to happen for me. I’m not giving up nachos and good cheese for vanity’s sake when I’m otherwise healthy.
Still (note to self): you could stand to be more active. Will be good for your mental health and physical health if nothing more. And will help justify your Athleta spending.
Gail the Goldfish
Spending money at Athleta was serious motivation for me to go to the gym. If I’m going to pay $70 for leggings, I better use them.
Lana Del Raygun
I would start by shopping around for a kind of exercise that you genuinely like doing, at least a little bit, where you can set really concrete goals for strength/stamina/flexibility/balance/regularity/whatever. At least for me, “get some daily exercise in” is too vague to be motivating, but “I want to deadlift my bodyweight by [date]” is VERY motivating (and it gives you something to track to keep your mind off the scale).
I will never not take an opportunity to stan for powerlifting, so: Powerlifting is fun! It changes your attitude to your body and to food in a healthy and invigorating way! Being strong is awesome! Buying rice in bulk and throwing it around handily makes you feel like Wonder Woman! High-intensity exercise doesn’t take as long! You will be able to lift your own weight sooner than you expect! :D
Marillenbaum
Okay, so could you tell me a little more about how you started powerlifting? It sounds AMAZING and I want to feel like Wonder Woman. Did you go to a special gym? Regular gym with a trainer?
Lana Del Raygun
Absolutely! I started because I was reading Casey Johnston’s “Ask A Swole Woman” column on the Hairpin (RIP but the archives are all there and she’s highlighted her favorites on http://www.caseyjohnston.net/#/ask-a-swole-woman/), now on SELF, and kept thinking how awesome it sounded.
Learning: I taught myself using the videos from StrongLifts.com, augmented by posting form check videos on r/fitness and r/xxfitness (getting tips specific to your body and biomechanics is very helpful). I figured lifting just the bar (45lb) was unlikely to actually injure me even if I didn’t have things exactly correct right away; so far I am totally injury-free. There are also lighter/skinnier “women’s bars” (32lb, I think), but chances are good you’ll never need one.
Programming: People on r/fitness gripe about how StrongLifts has too much squat volume and will eventually stall your progress, but ignore them. It’s a perfectly decent beginner program, and it has a very straightforward app that allows you to start lifting without knowing *anything* about programming, which is great. You can always switch to a different program when you seriously plateau.
Gym/equipment: I just bought a power rack on Craigslist, because my husband wanted to get into lifting too so it paid for itself really quickly, and gyms all seemed to be located on the cusp of “annoyingly long walk” and “inconveniently scheduled bus.” If you don’t have space or don’t want to gamble $200 that you’ll actually like it, be warned that not all gyms have a proper powerlifting setup, so call and ask or search for “powerlifting gym,” “barbell club,” or “black iron gym” (and make sure to check the community/rec center). Crossfit places should have the right equipment, but they’re expensive and only some let you work out without taking a class. If you’re going to lift alone it’s good to have a full power rack with safety arms to catch the bar if you fail a lift. It took me a couple weeks of trolling Craigslist to find a good one.
Other notes: Wear flat, stable shoes like Converse sneakers. If you have scrawny arms like me, you will want a set of “fractional plates” for adding weight s l o w l y on overhead press and bench press. If you’re going to a gym and they don’t have any, just get a set on Amazon and bring them in your bag. Have fun!!!!!!
Any other questions?
Lana Del Raygun
Long response in mod, but also: if you want someone to teach you in person, here is Casey Johnston’s advice (from the “How Do I Learn To Lift” installment of AASW) for finding such a someone:
Try going to a gym equipped for heavy lifting (with barbells, plates, and racks) and ask the front desk if they have a list of personal trainers, either on staff or not, who could help you learn “to lift heavy weights” or “powerlifting (squat, bench, deadlift) or “weightlifting” (snatch, clean and jerk). Focus on finding someone who is willing to teach you the skill of lifting weights, the idea being that eventually they can set you free to work out on your own, if you’d prefer, with maybe occasional check-ins. If you aren’t sure the personal trainer you’ve engaged knows what they’re talking about, here is a test I completely made up and would be very interested to know if it works: ask the trainer to warm up to a “work weight” of a squat. If they do not break parallel when they squat, or squat in squishy running shoes, or pad the bar with a foam roll, run away.
JuniorMinion
YESS!! lady lifters unite :)
Also a powerlifter. I lift at a lifting specific gym. It is my Cheers. I know you asked Lana, but I wanted to chime in. Lifting for me has helped me to redefine my relationship with my body. I have a lot of body image related baggage from my childhood and have enjoyed refocusing on strength and health as opposed to ending up in yet another vanity shame spiral.
Just to add to what Lana said – if you decide to lift seriously be sure you are at least at a gym where they will let you deadlift (ie not Planet Fitness) / use heavy weights. I did Starting Strength (its a book) and am totally guilty of having OPINIONS on programming but the reality of it is as a beginner whatever you are most likely to comply with will be best.
Anonymous
Wait, Planet Fitness won’t let you deadlift? What??
Barbell Sports
Not a powerlifter, but a weightlifter AND I CANNOT RECOMMEND IT ENOUGH. (Very tiny, non-inclusive primer: Powerlifting focuses on squats, deadlifts, and bench. Olympic weightlifting focuses on the snatch and the clean and jerk and uses the powerlifting lifts as accessory work to get you strong enough to do the two main lifts.)
There are different ways to learn the barbell sports. One is to find a strength and conditioning gym in your area (sometimes it’s called a powerlifting club or a barbell club). The other, and how I got introduced to WL, was through Crossfit. Crossfit makes a lot of people roll their eyes, but it is absolutely fantastic if you want a program that has high-intensity interval training PLUS powerlifting/weightlifting components. It also has gymnastics and several other sports tossed in. The gym comes with a community (also true for barbell sports) and I know 80 year old women who do it–some are former athletes, some are new. It is infinitely scalable and can accommodate everyone. They also teach you how to do everything.
I grew up a bookworm, almost proud of how unathletic I was, always struggling with how I looked and what my body weight was doing. It was not healthy and it was not a happy time. I was introduced to Crossfit and barbell sports my second year of law school and it changed my life. Like Lana said, this type of training teaches you to focus on your goals: So, for me, I would like snatch my bodyweight by the end of the year, squat 200#, and do pull-ups in a workout. My training is centered around this, my programming is centered around this, and my coaches know that this is what we are working toward and they keep me accountable.
This type of training teaches you how to love your body for all of the incredible things it can do and also absolutely changes your relationship with food, as it quickly becomes a way to fuel your body and not some sort of punishment. Never is this clearer or is the difference so stark than when I hang out with a group of girlfriends who don’t lift. My non-lifting friends always complain about their “tires” and how huge their legs are, as well as some similar really demeaning terms for their bodies. They mention how hard it is to make it to the gym because of how discouraged they feel and how it is boring. While I am always bringing the body positivity and teach them all I can (and they are very receptive), it’s not something anyone, but the barbell, can teach you.
You are incredible and so is your body. Try the barbell sports. Find a great community and fall in love with working out and yourself. Also, a lot of CF gyms are very family friendly–we have tons of strollers and kids about. There’s even a Crossfit Kids program, which focuses on general physical preparedness (basically what PE should actually be) and learning how to move your body.
Lana Del Raygun
HIGH-FIVE!
IF fan
I think refocusing to health makes a lot of sense, you have three young kids and want to be out for the longest time you can. Regular exercise and eating well will only aid that.
I’m a broken record on this point, but when I was in your shoes about 2 years ago I did intermittent fasting (and continue to do it today). I eat all of my food from 12 – 8 pm (sometimes even 2 – 8 pm) and drink water the rest of the time. I immediately lost 10 pounds and have found it easy to keep the weight off. I’m not at all hungry in the mornings anymore. But it’s not just about weight, there are lot of studies showing that fasting for 10 + hours leads to better health outcomes. Read Dr. Fung’s book The Obesity Code.
In the evenings after the kids are in bed, I do free Fitness Blender videos in the comfort of my home. They are challenging and fun. My favorite are the strength training workouts, and I noticed a visible difference in my body even after just a few weeks. Good luck, you can do this.
Anonymous
When you eat, how much do you have? Do you still watch it? I’m intrigued but can see myself still eating too much in this window.
IF fan
When I first started doing this I ate a pretty heavy lunch and a normal sized dinner and a snack in between. Now that I have been doing this for so long, my appetite has gone down tremendously. I now eat just a normal sized lunch. Of course, if I’m hungry on a particular day I will eat more. But it has been interesting how my body has adjusted, I’m just not that hungry even when it’s 2 pm and time to break my fast.
Anonymous
Wow, cool, thanks!
Frozen Peach
I could have written this post exactly, except my fasting schedule is a bit different. Immediately lost 10 lbs, have maintained with continued steady loss, feel amazing, easiest diet ever. Jason Fung is my hero.
Linda from HR
I’ve found that I don’t have the discipline to go to a gym and just “work out,” but fitness classes are great! I can schedule them ahead of time, which feels like I’m making some sort of a commitment to going, and then I have to be in the room doing the things (to the best of my ability, anyway) for the whole time block, and it’s a workout created by someone who kinda knows what they’re doing so I’ll get more out of that then just derfing around the gym on my own.
Just me
I am in the same range as you, youngest is 2, I am more overweight.
One small thing that I’m doing in the general direction of health is diet – I feel like I have more time to focus on this, learning, shopping, recipes, brainwashing myself, that kind of thing.
Another thing I’m doing is realizing that I have some things that are minor but chronic and just irritating on many levels – like minor acne, athlete’s foot, blepheritis (bacteria in my eye lid that I’m supposed to massage with a hot compress for 10 minutes/day and never found time to do…) and well, I’m taking care of all of these things, now. Even though I’m not yet at supermodel size, it helps me to realize well, I can take care of myself and I AM SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE AND ABLE TO FUNCTION AND FOCUS ON MYSELF instead my itchy feet or dry eyes, etc.
novelist in the south of France
I want this and believe in dressing for the job you want: novelist in the south of France.
A girl can dream, no? OK, back to work.
Baconpancakes
Ha! I just finished Lunch in Paris, which is a memoir by a woman who is exactly that – an author in the south of France (memoir/cookbook, not novels, but still). I think her secret was falling in love with/sleeping with her French husband on their first date?
novelist in the south of France
This is probably exactly the right blouse then :)
Linda from HR
You know, I was just thinking I should pick up a book for the beach, in case the book I’m reading now doesn’t last the week, and this book is so tempting!
Baconpancakes
I enjoyed it. Not much substance, but fun descriptions of food!
Shananana
Curious if anyone on this board has any experience with online adjunct work they would be willing to share. I 100% recognize that the adjunct route does not pay well, and can be a lot of work, but it has something I have always been curious about. I am also looking into creating some continuing education webinar content in my field, if anyone has thoughts on that as well.
CountC
My class is not an online class, so feel free to stop reading now . . . however, my students submit all of their assignments online, including three major writing assignments, and I provide materials and guidance online as well – so there may be some similarity in that sense.
I LOVE in-class teaching and interaction – for me, this is what makes the ridiculously low pay worth it.
For their weekly drafting assignments, I only check to see if they made a best effort at it – I don’t have the time to do anything else. We work through additional drafting tasks in class, real-time via the electronic blackboard. This is something you could easily do online if your class lends itself to that type of interaction. For their three major assignments, I fully redline their submissions and then have a once a quarter meeting to go over the changes on their second assignment. Each major assignment builds on the prior one.
All grades, etc. are posted online.
If you have more specific questions, I am happy to try to answer them!
NOLA
We offer a required training course for faculty who will be teaching in one of our online programs. It’s a great class about learning to engage with students online and how to build modules in the LMS and how to do backward design. Our faculty love it because it allows them to spend time, in an asynchronous way, talking about teaching with one another.
My ex was an adjunct at Cappella. They have a lockstep method that they use for courses. I think they also use the method that some schools use, which is having tenured or tenure-track faculty develop the online courses, then they hire adjuncts to teach using those master classes.
Lounge bra
For readers with large cup sizes and small band sizes: is there any lounge bra that actually works for us? Everything I have tried, including low-support sports bras, is either too small in the cup or too loose in the band. Numbered or alpha sizes just don’t work for me–basically I want a soft bra that can be thrown in the washing machine and that comes in band/cup sizes to actually fit. Does this exist anywhere?
Seafinch
As a 32 GG/HH, I would love to know this.
Anonymous
there are lots of sports bras that come in band/cup size, instead of just s/m/l. I think that is your best bet
Anonymous
I just got a Cosabella Curvy Sweetie bral3t+e. It’s fantastic! Super comfy and fits my 34F/32G self beautifully.
Anon
+1
32G as well
It’s been the only lounge bra that has worked for me
Housecounsel
The Lululemon Enlite bra is my new go-to. It’s probably more than a lounge bra, but it is wireless, and that’s good enough for me. 32E and feeling everyone’s pain. It is expensive but its usefulness justifies the price for me. I wear it with T-shirts and with everything except grown-up work clothes.
lsw
I bought this too off recommendations here and I LOVE it.
Anony
I am also a 32F/34G – love the Curvy Sweetie.
AIMS
Consider a nursing bra? You don’t have to clip off the front and could even sew it shut if it really bugs you for some reason. Amazon and target both have inexpensive options you could try.
Anom
30DD – my sleep bras are an Anita wireless sports bra that’s up one band size and a soft cup nursing bra. Both go in the washing machine in a lingerie bag, but not the dryer. I went to a bra store to get fitted (in Manhattan, I highly recommend Linda’s and Town Shop).
Anon
My daughter is about a 32DDD or 30F (UK) and likes the Curvy sweetie bralette from Cosabella. She has the size small, but that was before they started offering XS. The small fits her fine.
PolyD
I’m 32D and found some racerback lounge bras at Costco that I like. They are decently supportive yet still comfortable. I believe they’re Donna Karan – unfortunately I have not found them outside of Costco.
Anonymous
I have a Yummie brand bra (32E/F, size S) that I like – I think it’s the Edie. I also have the Tanya which I like, but it is definitely a lounge bra. Lively is supposed to have bigger bralettes that look promising, but I haven’t tried them yet. I have tried the ones from True & Co and they’re awful, do not recommend. Gap is also not bad, they don’t really cater to my size but I’m able to wear their wireless bras if I go up a band size because their bras have a lot of extra hooks in the back to make it tighter.
I bought this bra because I once needed an cotton non-underwire bra for work safety reasons, and it’s made it’s way into my regular rotation. The other poster is right about trying nursing bras: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00EJK5OCG/
Joan Holloway
Sugar Candy. It’s not just maternity (although created by the same company responsible for Cake Lingerie), and even though you might see a focus on plus size, there are several reviews out there from women with 30-34 bands and DD+ cups.
Dating Advice?
I just started dating someone new and I think I really like him but could use some advice/perspective. We’ve only been dating for a couple of weeks but some of the dates have been long (whole day) and so far so good. We have a lot in common, a shared sense of humor, both like learning new things, similar intellectual levels, similar tastes in tv, easy conversation, etc. We are also both introverts and homebodies. While I’m happy to hang out at one of our homes and eat dinner and watch a movie, things devolve to getting physical pretty quickly. That’s fine but (1) I’m a little worried about this turning into a relationship based largely on a physical connection, which I don’t want, and (2) as a very type-a person, sitting around just hanging out makes me feel unproductive, restless, and eventually just kind of gross and lazy. I’m thinking one way to address this might be to find some things we can do together at home that feel “productive.” So far, the only thing I’ve come up with are picking a cookbook and working our way through it making dinner together. This would let us have nice nights at home but also give us more to connect over than just the physical part of the relationship and give me a sense of “doing something” that makes me feel better. Anyone have suggestions of other things we could “do” together or any perspective from similar experiences? I’m a late bloomer in the dating world so I’d really appreciate any advice in this area. Thanks for any ideas or perspectives!
Anonymous
Would it help to have some sort of task list associated with the long hanging-out date:
— peruse cookbook
— farmers market to gather ingredients
— wine store to pair wine with planned meal
— good bread from good bread store (and possibly to other stores)
— prep / cooking / dining
— not required but sometimes fun: have other couple over for dinner party
Also (unrelated): tennis, light hiking, etc.
That way, I feel like I have done something in addition to the relationship.
[FWIW, the multi-step meal prep is something I use to run out the clock on a day that I want to keep my kids moving along and not at home where they prefer to veg in front of the TV. Works on dudes too though.]
sr software zookeeper
I love this! I keep an ideas folder for this sort of thing, ‘Pretend you’re shopping in Italy, what’s the most Italian store we could go to!’
Keep track of new places opening up that might suit, like a new Indian grocery. Without knowing where you are, rural, urban, region, hard to give more concrete feedback.
yellowgreen
Find low-key things to do outside of home, like just hang out in a coffee shop. Go for a drive and show each other your childhood homes, schools, hangouts, etc. Go for a walk (possibly around the neighborhood if you live in a walking friendly area.)
Baconpancakes
Do introvert stuff outside of the house! Book readings, then discuss the lecture at a restaurant afterwards. Outdoor movie nights (it is summer! If you’re in a city they definitely have them). Tours of gardens and old houses, museums. Paint your own pottery/glass-making class. See if there’s an old school pinball arcade around. Do things you can discuss – talking is vital to making a relationship that lasts.
Most productive things in the house that I think of aren’t appropriate for people to do when they’re just starting a relationship – like painting or cleaning or fixing something.
Does your new flame feel the same way about not being productive? My SO is decidedly not type A and is perfectly happy playing video games on his days off, but he acknowledges that he does like having things done, and that I make stuff happen, and he takes on the work when I ask him to take on a project.
anon
What about taking walks together? This is one of my favorite things to do with my husband (and was when we were dating). Pick a new/cute part of town and take a walk through the neighborhood. Then you can grab a meal afterwards.
Anonymous
Ok so I’m confused. You are a self described home body. What do you usually do when you are home not to feel lazy?
Alyssa
[deleted by management]
Anonymous
Have you tried to slow things down when they start to devolve (in your words)? If so, what is his reaction?
I mean look, if the problem is that you can’t keep your hands off each other when you’re alone then I’m not sure why that’s really a problem? But if it’s bugging you then get out of the house because clearly you two cannot be trusted together behind closed doors (in a good way).
Otoh, if you tell him you want to actually finish the movie this time and he keeps pawing at you anyway… that’s a very different issue. Imho the answer is stop seeing him, not, find a way to distract him so he respects my clearly-articulated boundaries. Boundary-pushing behavior is a GIANT red flag and you should run.
Anonymous
For what it’s worth, I think that’s pretty normal and not anything at all to be concerned about. But anyways, you guys should try getting out of the house more. It’ll make it more exciting and you need to be an extrovert to enjoy doing things out of the house.
Anonymous
*don’t need to be extroverts
(I assume)
+1 – I’m not sure introvert has anything to do with whether you like doing things outside the house (though the homebody thing covers it). It means you need more alone time to recover from being with people, not that you don’t like leaving the house. So maybe you don’t go out EVERY night (the introvert in me is shuddering). Mostly it just sounds like you both don’t like planning things or finding things to do.
Anonymous
+1 I think it’s super normal for a couple of weeks together. It will probably die down soon enough.
Anonymous
Go on dates! Dinners, movies, bowling, dancing. Go to a park and rent a rowboat, have a picnic lunch. Introverts do all of this. I had a boyfriend that never took me out. Turned out he was cheap not an introvert.
Anonymous
That intense sexual attraction dwindles over time. If you are just sitting in the house looking at each other it’s going to be a pretty boring marriage/life..
Brit
A few years ago, I was dating a fellow homebody. We were both really into music, and I had a nice-ish record player. A super fun day/date night at home for us involved listening to albums and playing Scrabble. We started to tick off listening to the Billboard “100 best albums of all time.” Add coffee/tea/drinks with or w/o alcohol to your liking:)
Nerfmobile
Board games/card games – so many options these days that go far beyond Monopoly. Target has a decentish section under “strategy” if you need a starting place for ideas. Jigsaw puzzles, of course. Do either of you have any crafts or arts you like to do? Painting, knitting, woodcarving?
I also like reading aloud to each other. If you find a good non-fiction history or popular science book, you can take turns reading aloud and have lots of opportunities to stop and discuss ideas.
Pompom
Heat and humidity, plus a shorter haircut, have me wildly misjudging the amount of product I need to use in my hair. Thus, I am a total greaseball today. It’s a great look.
Just wishing quitting time was here so I can go scrub my hair and start all over…!
Monday
I actually carry a mini dry shampoo in my bag for days like that. The grease is just so uncomfortable on my scalp and forehead.
MagicUnicorn
A handful of dry paper towel from the bathroom can blot/wipe/scrub the worst of it so you can get through the day. I have a pixie cut and realized on the first day of a newly-suggested product that it was ALL wrong for my hair. Felt like all the product slid off my hair and down my forehead and neck. Ugh.
Pompom
Might do this… I avoid the obvious, made-for-this solution of dry shampoo for a variety of skin-related reasons, but this I could do!
Thanks, ladies. If you see a greasy looking brunette cruising the streets with papertowel in her hair, it me. Secret r e t t e signal.
MagicUnicorn
Haha, I have historically tossed the paper towel before leaving the bathroom but if it is a secret mission message, the office is empty enough this week that I could likely wear it around all day without anyone commenting.
I also dislike dry shampoo. I taste it for hours and no matter the scent I can always smell the underlying butane/propane/etc. and that’s just not a product I want to wear on my person.
Anonymous
Just grab some baby powder, rub a decent amount on your palms, run it through your hair. It absorbs the excess product. Add what you need.
I have a pixie cut, and an excellent hairstylist who has his own salon and has been cutting for 4o years. He has some of the best quick tricks, and always gives me the lowdown on which products are worth the $$ (almost none…) and what the cheap dupes are.
For my styling, after I add my Revlon 10 in 1, blow dry, and sweep my goop through my hair, then I always end with the baby powder, deciding how much I need based on the product I used/humidity. That’s how he taught me to do it. It really works for my hair.
Mirror Mirror
Does any one have recommendation for a magnifying travel mirror ?? Just returned from trip realizing I need to do proper make up.
Anon
I have ordered at least 4 of these according to my amazon history
https://www.amazon.com/BEST-COMPACT-MIRROR-MAGNIFYING-Magnifying/dp/B018RJJ204/ref=sr_1_4_s_it?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1530800350&sr=1-4&keywords=best+compact+mirror+10x
I have one in my travel bag, one in my handbag, one in my desk drawer at work, and the other one has apparently been sacrificed to the Great Void.
Mirror Mirror
Just ordered, Thanks!
Panda Bear
Going through a cookbook together sounds great. What about working together to tackle other home projects – decorating, painting, organizing, gardening… the kind of stuff that you always want to get around to but never quite do, and is always faster and more fun with a helper. Also… have fun being in the phase of a relationship where dinner and a movie regularly turn into physical fun (and not just falling asleep on the couch!)
Panda Bear
Whoops, wrong place – meant for dating advice above!
Anonymous
They just started dating, they’re not sharing a home. I’d be pretty annoyed if a guy I’d only been dating a couple of weeks suggested that we decorate/paint/organize his house as a fun date. I mean if he needed help I’d (probably)* help but like no that’s not a date.
*I would not help him organize his mess — that’s potentially gross and definitely way too much too soon.
Anonymous
I do not know why I ended up in mod. But no asking for free labor is not a date. That’s something you treat someone to a date for doing for you.
Panda Bear
Oh no, I don’t mean it as free labor! But I can see how it might have come off that way. I meant it more as an opportunity to be at home and do something productive together (and the ‘labor’ can certainly take place at his house, not yours – you could offer to be the helper, rather than asking him to be.) In my experience, working on a project like that together can be a helpful way to get to know how this person thinks and operates with you as a team, which is always good to know.
Anonymous
I dunno. I like doing stuff together. Projects can be a lot of fun.
Walnut
On the contrary, projects are occasionally near divorce inducing for my husband and I. I turn into a terrible stressed out control freak and it’s not pretty. So…proceed with caution!
Anonymous
So – probably good data to have early.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, my hubby and I have done projects together from almost Day One. I first knew for sure he loved me when he put rain gutters on my garage on my birthday, which was the hottest day of the year.
Anonymous
Ok but he offered, right? You weren’t all, you know what would be a hot date instead of Netflix n chilling like we’ve been doing – go out in the sweltering heat to install my gutters!
Senior Attorney
Yeah, good point!
Happy4th
Does anyone have any experience working in the Federal Reserve System in a non-Economist role? I would like to understand the culture. Is it similar to working in a Fed Govt environment?
Any comment or anecdata welcome!
thanks
anon
Depends on whether you are at a bank or the board. Overall there are lots of smart people with a very reasonable culture (not overly demanding, but also not full of lazies). Pay is on a higher scale than GS and the retirement benefits are amazing.
Anonymous
I have a friend who works there in IT, and it seems very similar to a Fed Gov’t culture (for both good and bad). Lotta long-time folks who are kind of staying put in ‘easy’ jobs and other people who are really engaged and doing a lot of the work of improving things and moving things forward. (This is just my impression from chatting with her about it casually, though.)
Anonymous
I’ve worked with them and they seemed very similar to my other government clients, maybe a little faster paced.
Anon
I did a sheet mask last night together with my teenaged daughter. My skin feels really soft this morning. I’d like to try some other masks.
What are your favorite inexpensive sheet masks? What do they accomplish for you?
For those of you who wear glasses, do you put your glasses on over the mask so that you can read / look at your phone while masking?
Anonymous
Ha…that’s why I don’t do masks very often, because I’m totally blind and hate not being able to wear my glasses. I usually just hold my phone really close to my face!
Anonymous
Which one did you do? I like the Sephora brand ones. I haven’t tried enough of them to have a favorite but the avocado one was good. I also really like the under eye ones. It feels like a bit of a waste to spend 15-20 mins on something just for my eyes but it really does make a difference.
FYI If you’re going to order something from Sephora, they might still have this mask (not sheet mask) as a free sample – Farmacy Honey Potion Renewing Antioxidant Hydration Mask with Echinacea GreenEnvy. I just got it with an order last week and I really like it. One sample is probably enough for you and your daughter to split. I swear I’m not a Sephora rep (just an addict…)!
Baconpancakes
People keep gifting them to me so I haven’t actually purchased any, but I think the Tony Moly ones are pretty cheap, and I like those. I have heard good things about innisfree as well.
And yes, I put my glasses back on over the mask. It makes me look silly but so does wearing a sheet mask. I just try to avoid my SO when I’m wearing them.
Marillenbaum
Tonymoly! You can get an 10-pack of masks on Amazon for $11, and they feel great.
anon
If you live somewhere that has a Daiso (basically a Japanese dollar store), I love their Beauty Treats collagen masks, aloe masks, and cucumber masks. They’re $1.50 each and are all great.
anon
Oh, and I have dry, sensitive, easily irritated skin, and I like all of these to reduce redness, moisturize, and soothe, especially after I’ve been out in the sun or wind, wearing sunscreen, swimming in a chlorinated pool.
Horse Crazy
My SO is going through a rough time right now. His landlord is probably going to sell the house my SO rents, so he needs to move at some point, but his landlord isn’t giving him notice – he just keeps saying “I’ll probably have to sell soon, so you should start looking”, which is stressful because it’s not definitive.
At the same time, my SO’s boss can’t provide stable work for him (he does construction), and he doesn’t make great money anyway (neither of us do). So he needs to move, and we live in a VHCOL area (more like VVVHCOL), so finding a new rental is very hard, and he isn’t working much. The silver lining is that when he moves, I’ll move in with him.
But in the meantime, I’m trying to comfort/support him, but I don’t really know what to say anymore. I keep saying things like “I love you, and we’ll get through this rough time”, but I feel like a broken record. He gets down/very stressed out when he thinks about it, and I feel bad. How else can I show him my support?
North Carolina anon
He should probably move to a sunbelt state-SEUS-TX if he is in construction, isn’t working much, and it is a VVCOL city. Sunbelt state cities are MCOL and there is so much construction that we can’t even do small home repair / remodel jobs (small being 5 figures; 6 figures gets people’s attention enough to tell you they don’t have availability before Thanksgiving).
IMO his situation won’t get better — support is being open to a real fix.
Anonymous
Why don’t you two actively look for a place together now? Why let the landlord drive that part of your relationship? Seems that taking some control over your situation would not only show support but be supportive. Now if you’re only moving in because of this issues, that’s another story.
Anonymous
Is there a reason you can’t move in together now? It doesn’t sound as if there will be penalties for moving out. That way you take control of the housing situation, rather than the housing situation controlling you.
Alyssa
[deleted by management]
Anonymous
Where do you all live that he can’t find construction work in this hot economy?? Most home builders etc can’t find people to hire. If you guys are together for the long haul why not move to a MCOL city to get better work and an affordable apartment?
Anonymous
If you are moving with him, why aren’t you looking together for a new place now? I don’t see the issue.
If the real issue is that this is a terrible city for his career, and he doesn’t feel comfortable having you as his sugar momma by essentially moving in with you (think about this…), maybe you both need to decide together exactly where this move should be to? Maybe time to change cities so both of you can have stable caeers?
SO Travel
For those
Anxiety + Work
Since starting grad school my anxiety has gotten a lot worse. I do have a therapist and I’m on medication, and while I’m in school it’s decently managed.
The thing is part of the way I manage my anxiety in school is because I have so much control over my schedule – can do work at any time, can leave and come back if I’m getting anxious about something etc
Obviously I can’t do that at my 8-5 office internship. When I feel really anxious I would normally take a bit of a break and often change locations , but at work I have to be back at my desk, can’t move locations.
Any suggestions for dealing with anxiety in the workplace?
Alyssa
[deleted by management]
wtf
Wtf
Anonymous
Rude. The solution to a medical problem is not — find a man.
Anonymous
how the hell does this person not end up in mod?
Anon
Tr0ll. Please leave.
Anonymous
Sounds like your anxiety isn’t quite controlled yet. This sounds like a perfect topic for your therapist. Maybe you also need a medication change.
What is your field, so we can get a feeling for what your future work days will be like? Some are more stressful than others….
Anonymous
Can I ask what you’re studying? Long term you may do better in a flexible kind of field rather than a 9-5 job. Something to keep in mind. Hopefully others can help you handle this internship.
Beth
Ignore the rudeness above. There are lots of options for managing anxiety in 8-5 workplaces. What about having control over your location and schedule helps you manage anxiety? Is it just the control? Is it being able to take breaks? You can always take breaks, even in an office–find ways to bring in some of the things that help you lessen anxiety. Headspace has 3 minute meditations, walking down to the kitchen to make a cup of nice tea is no big deal. Brainstorm other options with your therapist–having a list of simple, repeatable tasks (like deleting 10 emails or time entry) that you can do when you need a quick “win.” Good luck!
Anxiety + Work
Thank you!
Reading the news or checking corporette is a “break”
Listening to poetry on spotify – I guess the repetition of poetry is calming
Walking to the kitchen and getting some water or making tea is a good “excuse”, although I have to be careful with caffeine.
Just walking outside the building for a moment is a good break too. But I’m not sure how often it’s okay to do that.
I think it’s the control thing as well as physically doing something to “turn off” the anxiety.
Anonymous
Depending on your office, you probably can leave and come back if you need a short break. Go get coffee, go out to lunch, take a walk around the building, etc. Also, at most jobs you’re going to work a lot less than you think you’re going to, which may help. My schooling was way more intense than any office I’ve worked in.
op
Yeah I actually think not being crazy busy isn’t helping. I don’t have 40 or 50 hrs of work – I have like 30 max. I definitely make sure to go and eat lunch outside every day. I need that break.
Anonymous
Even better – take a brisk walk as part of your lunch time break. Simple exercise is one of the absolute best treatments for acute anxiety, and even a walk counts as exercise.
Anonymous
There is a Job Accommodation Network website that has ideas for formal accommodations on-the-job (it’s a resource for all employers and working people, so it’s soup-to-nuts on offerings. Also, people have a wide range of severity of symptoms, even with an identical diagnosis, so find what fits your situation. It may be helpful to identify an internship that has a Workplace Wellness program in place, because it signals that management is at least attempting to support general health, and things like “walking meetings” or other healthy practices are encouraged.
Anon
Recommendations on suburbs between Orlando and Lakeland? My sister is moving to that area from the east coast. She’s mid thirties and newly single, so she’s looking for an active area where she can meet people and make friends. From my research, it looks like Celebration might be a good option due to having a cute downtown, but I’ve heard mixed things. Any advice appreciated!
Anonymous
My parents live in Celebration. It takes a certain type for sure. There are a lot of amenities–a cute downtown, parks, pools, walking trails, etc. It has its own hospital and schools. On the other hand, it’s really far away from anything that’s not Disney. If I were newly single, I’d want to be somewhere closer to Orlando to increase the number of people I’d interact with without driving 45 minutes. (If she’s working in Lakeland, then Celebration might be a good compromise though.)
Anonymous
Living at Disney World is my hashtag dream.
Anonymous
Out of curiosity, do any of you high-earning ladies own a Birkin or Kelly bag? Would you buy one if you could?
I’m avoiding work looking at purses online and daydreaming.
Anonymous
Probably not. Kinda boring, old ladies who lunch. You’re clearly just buying to scream you spent this $$. Would make me question your judgment, actually.
Anon
I’ll bite. I make $400k/year and do not own one of those. I would just never spend that much on a bag, plus a bag that size is impractical for my life. I have to carry a bag that can fit my laptop (because I work hard for my money) so that means a tote. I like Cuyana.
Marshmallow
I work hard for my money… so hard for it, honey… so you better treat me right
Anon
I was totally thinking that when i typed it!
Cat
Yeah, $400k is about our HHI (pre tax); it was higher when I was in Biglaw. The most I’ve ever spent on a bag is $400. While I like good quality clothing and accessories, I know that I’m unlikely to truly use a bag for a lifetime, so spending 4+ figures just isn’t going to happen.
The Birkin/Kelly in particular, I know I would never want to use because I prefer shoulder bags. I like my hands free.
Anonymous
I really, really, really love Rear Window and Grace Kelly in that movie. I could go for a Kelly bag, if one fell out of the sky at my house. I am usually the sort of person who buys things and keeps them forever, but I can also ruin things in a hot minute and there’s be no end of my weeping if I ruined one of these that I paid retail for.
FWIW, 500K+ income / my expensive bag is a Lo & Sons Seville and my weekend bag is a small canvas Boat & Tote bag from LL Bean that was given to me.
I tend to under spend on everything but real estate (and then only pay for location).
Anon
Ok so I am also obsessed with Rear window. Her neat little bag that doubled as an overnight bag was a Mark cross.
Anon
https://www.markcross.com/shop/overnight-case
Never too many shoes...
I know someone who has one and she is so worried about ruining it that she never uses it…what is the point?
I actually do not really like them that much. I think $5000 is the absolute maximum I would ever spend on a bag and even that might be a stretch.
Senior Attorney
I don’t earn as much as the prior posters but our household income is in that range, and I would never dream of spending that much on a bag. I tend to agree with Anonymous at 11:23 a.m. that you’re buying it to show you have the $$, and… ugh. I have a Burberry that I bought on vacation in London and other than that my splurge bags are in the Kate Spade range.
Anonymous
No way. Our HHI is around 400k and my most expensive bag is an LV that was a gift for a special occasion. I mostly buy Kate Spade, Furla and Coach (plain leather not the “c”s.).
I will not, however, hesitate to spend in the range of $20k on a nice vacation for two, so I don’t really feel like I can judge someone who spends $10k+ on a handbag.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, that’s a good point. I spend that much on vacations, too, and I just bought a $6,000 chair, so I guess I should stop it already with the looking down my nose.
Anonymous
I love you SA, but I would rather have a $6k bag than a chair!
Senior Attorney
You haven’t seen this chair… ;)
Anonymous
I’d prefer to drop that much coin on a vacation. I know what I like and a vacation is an experience and then a memory. A ruined Birkin would just taunt me.
And I’m the sunny-side up person would can honestly be happy on a “ruined” vacation (b/c ruined = unexpected adventure!) but oddly not around a ruined thing (esp when that ruining is likely to be 100% my fault, so no cool adventure to factor in).
Senior Attorney
Yes I am a firm believer in “the worst travel screw-ups make the best stories!”
Erin
I will bite on this too. In my 20s I dreamed about owning one of these bags. Then I moved to a more casual work environment and started to focus on other things. In retrospect, the change was very healthy for me. If I had stayed in my old spot, doubtless I would own one or more of these bags. I still have a high quality knockoff Birkin in my closet; haven’t carried it in years.
Now I am in my mid-30s. Last year my income was about $500k. I carried a casual tote to work this morning that I bought for $8 at the local Buffalo Exchange. I drive a 1997 Subaru with low miles. Those choices, among others, allowed me to pay all cash last month for a lovely home on a near-by island. I am going to use it for weekends, fix it up, and retire there one day. It is amazing how certain spending choices can snowball and suddenly you are sitting on a pile of cash that seemingly materialized from thin air.
Obviously you do you. But I must say, I am feeling pretty proud of Younger Erin for taking such good care of Present/Future Erin right now…even if it was partly accidental:)
Anonymous
Wow, awesome!
anon
We have a HHI around halfmillion and I don’t but I know of many women on our block that do buy these bags. I don’t like the fancy handbag/blatant wealth signifiers so I opt out. The social circle of moms from my daughters school is very “fancy handbag-nails done” so I obv stick out like a sore thumb but I am OK with that.
Anonymous
I feel like this conspicuous display is more common with SAHs, as a marker of their worth, than with gals who work.
Anonymous
Tomorrow, I’m initiating my first defining the relationship conversation since my divorce. I’m early 30s, divorced a year and a half ago, and have had fun with and casually dated several guys.
Now, I’ve been dating a guy for a month, and he seems great. We have similar goals, careers, and interests. The only problem is we live 45 minutes away and only get to see each other once or twice a week, but we talk and text every day.
I want to lay out expectations about where its going. Are we just having fun or will this become monogamous?Another guy asked me out and I didn’t know what to say. I would like to be monogamous with the guy seeing, and while I’m mildly terrified, I need to be on the same page about seeing other people or focusing on one.
Any tips? Is it too soon? I look at it like, its not too soon for me. I want to be clear about my needs and expectations. Good vibes are appreciated! Dating seems so much harder now than ten years ago.
Anonymous
Unless you think he is absolutely the guy for you, why limit yourself now? This just seems like a recipe for an okay relationship with some geography issues. Keep dating until someone makes you really excited, not just “seems great.” You don’t need to break it off but why push for exclusivity now?
AZCPA
If it feels to you like it’s time to have the conversation, then it is! The conversation doesn’t have to be a huge deal – you could even tell him that someone had asked you out, and that it made you realize you’d like to be exclusive with this guy.
Good luck!!!
Anon
1) Seeing a significant other once or twice a week is perfectly normal, especially if you do not live close. Concentrate on weekend time together, and maybe a middle of the week date somewhere equidistant from your homes.
2) In the situation of figuring out where we’re going, I’ve always taken the tact of approaching the issues less like “A TALK” or a DTR moment and more like an ongoing conversation that you have throughout your relationship. You don’t need to know if he plans to marry you in 1.5 yrs, you just need to ask “hey, I’m really enjoying our time together and would like us to keep seeing one another, but just wanted to see if we’re on the same page with respect to dating other people, what do you think” sort of starter.
Senior Attorney
When I was dating, my rule was if I was sleeping with somebody then I wanted the relationship to be exclusive. So when Lovely Husband and I were getting to that point, I sat him down and had that talk, combined with the “do you have any diseases I should know about?” talk. It was awkward as hell but we got through it and it turned out we were on the same page and it was all good.
TL;DR: If you want to be exclusive, have the talk! I think AZCPA has a good idea!
OP
Thanks for the suggestions Internet stranger friends! The irony is I have several friends who take your approach Senior Atty, but I’ve never been like that. I have no problem sleeping with more than 1 person at a time if its casual, having fun situation with no expectations.
With this guy, I’m investing time into texting, talking, and dating despite distance and busy schedules. I really like him, a lot, and I can see it going somewhere. So I want to make sure he feels the same before continuing to invest more time.
I like Anon’s suggestion to think of it less like an anxiety-provoking “TALK”!
Anonymous
Ever feel like UMC parents spend WAY more money on their teens now than your parents did when you were a teen (and were at similar income levels) — and your parents now want to re write history about it? Painfully long conversation this weekend with my parents going on about how great it is that a cousin bought her 15 year old a car and it allows him to get to his volunteer gig and how else would he get there with 2 working parents?? And yet when I was a teen (15 yrs ago) my parents would neither buy me a car nor allow me to work so I could buy a car. And when I pointed this out it was — oh you should have asked, you never wanted one, we may have bought you one. LOL — right. They said no to basically everything beyond food and clothes. Along with — where did you have to go?? UH — you realize your own kids would turn down ECs and jobs ALL THE TIME bc they never had dependable rides and rode the yellow bus to school like dorks in 12th grade, but now it’s – they just didn’t buy us a car bc we didn’t ask for one?
IDK know why it annoys me as I’m a full grown adult who can spend on whatever I want. It just annoys me that after choosing not to allow certain things, now history is re written because we never wanted those things. Is this just my family??
Anon
Dude, you need to move on. It doesn’t matter what other people spend on their kids. This is a dumb thing to feel resentful about.
Linda from HR
+1
OP, worry about yourself!
Anonymous
Agree though I bet OP is an adult with a car and isn’t jealous of a 16 year old’s car but annoyrdcat her parents playing the — oh you never wanted a car or else we’d have gotten you one — game. OP — move on. People remember what they want to remember and it’s stuff that makes them look good.
Anonymous
UMC?
Yes, we are becoming more and more materialistic as the generations move on.
Yes, when we were kids, cars were an extravagance, and now they are seen more among the upper classes (and you are upper class if you are buying your kids cars now).
You should pretty immature. Of course things are different now vs. when you were kids, and of course it was reasonable for your parents not to buy you are car and to think it is ok now for a cousin to buy their kid a car.
Anonymous
I think Upper Middle Class.
I don’t know exactly why OP is annoyed but I find it vaguely annoying too except I then tell myself it’s none of my business and move on. But to give an example – when I went to high school designer bags were just not a thing, as far as I remember. A nice bag was Kenneth Cole Reaction. Maybe someone had their mom’s old coach bag but those people were “rich.” Now, my niece gets a LV bag at the end of the school year for making gold honor roll. None of my business, but it makes me sad on some level because I feel like if you’re getting an LV in high school, what’s left for the later years. Obviously this is silly and I am just being oddly nostalgic for the way I grew up, but yeah I sort of get the sentiment.
Anonymous
I wonder if it’s a matter of keeping up with the Joneses. I graduated HS in 2002 – when teens were starting to have cell phones but it wasn’t as ubiquitous as it is now. I BEGGED for a phone and never got one. But my brother’s kids got phones in middle school and our parents act like that’s totally normal (even though my mom is scandalized by the notion of kids having internet access).
Anonymous
I think there are two things here.
First, do UMC spend more on there kids then when we were teens? probably, but not really a big deal
Second, and the true issue, do your parents rewrite history and does it bug you? My mom does this a little, and it does bug me. But I also think that most people do this. Your views change over time, and now that you think something is horrible/great, you don’t want to believe you toke a different position in the past. If it is a one-off thing, I think its just something you have to accept or leave the conversation when it happens. If your parents are like this about everything, then you need to consider if you can live with it or need to distance yourself
Anonymous
Yep. The same way I had to beg for contacts but my siblings got them at a much younger age. Or my parents forgetting that they did X when I had explicitly asked them for Y. It does bug me on occasion but I only really get upset with them if it seems like they are glossing over parts of my childhood that were traumatic, like when my mom tells me that it’s so horrible that some famous football player hit his kid with a switch but has seemingly forgotten that she once slapped me so hard across the face that she made my nose bleed.
Anonymous
Keep in mind that parents often think things are great for others’ kids that they’d never do for their own even today and even if money were no object. Cousin Ed’s kid got a car — that’s the best, lucky kid. My kid getting a car — OMG he’s an inexperienced driver at 16, what if this, what if that, car insurance will go up so much etc — you know what it isn’t worth it, it’s safer to ride the bus. That’s the reasoning for YOUR kid. Same way grandparents feed grandkids junk and buy every toy imaginable — they don’t have to be responsible for that kids growth/nutrition or deal with him high on sugar or live with the loud banging toy. Standards differ for your own kids.
Anonymous
This. What I think is fine for others’ kids even relatives isn’t necessarily fine for mine. Esp things like cars driven by people who have the maturity and experience of a 16 year old.
Anonymous
I remember when a BF’s sister got all sorts of kudos for volunteering in Thailand one summer and then plastering it all over our small town paper and then using all that in her college applications. I was all “Dude, I had to work the register at Wal*Mart,” which likely did not impress Princeton, etc. very much (where they were probably a bit “what is this Wal*Mart — is it some sort of building supply store???).
So I’m been singing the “kids these days” song since I was 19.
As a parent, my kids (20 months apart) will have a car (my current paid-off minivan, purchased in the birth year of child #2) the minute they turn 16. If anyone is getting a new car, it will be me :)
Now get off of my lawn!
Anonymous
I don’t know – I think a little forgetfulness/re-writing of history is how we all manage to maintain long term relationships with other people. It sounds like you had a little bit too much togetherness this past weekend.
Anon
Yep, our entire family didn’t have cellphones until my third year in college. I was missing calls for internship interviews because they would call the dormroom and I would be out and about on campus and not getting back until the evening to hear voicemail. My dad kept saying “how did anybody use to get jobs then?” And I had the hardest time explaining that that’s not how it works anymore.
Needless to say each of my parents now has a set of mart phone and Ipad, and have instant communication 24/7 with their international friends and family.
Anonymous
Parents (and people) rewriting history is definitely a thing that happens regardless of income level. I remember at a family get-together, my grandmother proudly declared, “I taught all 4 boys how to cook, do laundry and iron.” Their wives just burst out laughing. Whenever a story from their childhood came up, my grandmother and her sons (and my mom, who met my dad when they were 15) remembered it very differently.
Also, grandparents are WAY more lenient/indulgent with their grandchildren than they were with their own kids. My parents let my 3-year-old get away with tons of sh*t they wouldn’t have tolerated from me. I didn’t have that many toys growing up, and only received new ones at my birthday and Christmas. I try to do the same with my kid, “cycling out” toys (which never get cycled back in) and being careful not to buy new ones every time he has a whim or new interest. My parents took my son to Target and let him pick out a toy–smart kid picked out a Hot Wheels set, so he got 20 new cars from one random trip to Target! I wouldn’t be surprised if the same is true later for things like clothes, phones, computers, and cars.
Ms B
My kid brother (over 12 years younger than me) and I joke all the time that we have different parents. I got the ones that grounded me for getting anything below an A in school and he got the ones that paid him money for anything over a C. As adults, I get the ones that complain that The Hubs and I do not bring The Kid out to to their house to visit often enough, while they pay for the prodigal baby brother to meet my father to go fishing so that he can “have a real vacation”.
Parental gaslighting is real, as is revisionist history.
Anonymous
One of my biggest fears is that I’ll eventually start on the “kids these days” complaint train. I hate it when people do it about my generation (I’m 30) so much and I never want to be that myopic that I think there’s anything that special about me and my peers and that youth are somehow terrible for doing the things youth have done for the entire history of humanity.
Celia
Could be worse! My parents truly believe they never used corporal punishment on my and my brother.
New Buffalo, Mi
Fav things to do in New Buffalo? Day tripping with my SO there this weekend.
Lana Del Raygun
Eat at Redamak’s!
Anonymous
Are there any dating services that give you matches that are at least genuine people? I’ve taken a break from dating for a while and I’m tentatively willing to give it a try but I just cannot with the grossness I’ve experienced from dating apps. I find I can’t give anyone the benefit of the doubt because I’m on the defensive looking for red flags for why this one is gross too. I feel like I’d have more luck if I could just relax and talk to some nice people that I may or may not connect with.
Anonymous
I found the trick to be not giving people the benefit of the doubt. Give yourself permission to have high standards, to trust your intuition, and to only choose people you’re actually excited about. YOU are in control of your dating life – you don’t have to interact with anyone you don’t want to.
OP
I think my issue is that it’s so draining to wade through all the BS. I get discouraged that like 90% of the guys on bumble are in relationships or just looking to hook up (and are crude about it). It feels hopeless. Then when I see someone that might just be a nice person I’m looking for reasons to assume he’s like the other 90%. Basically I want to start with a pool of nice people not gross people.
Anonymous
Sounds like a break might be in order to give yourself some time to clear your head. After a month or so, you might feel a little less discouraged.
And yeah, I think a lot of men on Bumble are in relationships because the app is an ego boost for them – they don’t have to do anything and women ask them out. Then again, I found a married guy on eharmony (you can look people up by their cell phone number on FB – if they have it as part of their profile, you can find them – why, hello, Christmas card photo with smiling wife and kids), so there is no perfect solution. Just take a bit of time off and go back in when you feel refreshed and ready to try it again.
OP
I’ve been on a break for like a year. I just don’t want to go back to sorting through grossness. I was hoping there was some alternative but maybe not?
Another anon
I mean, a lot of people suck and a lot of people don’t. The only way to know who is who is to wade through. There’s no magical dating site where everyone is amazing.
Anonymous
Don’t be afraid to message people first. If you sit back and wait for messages, you’re going to collect messages from all the bored people who send gross messages to everyone.
Anonymous
What do you message them to actually elicit conversation? I tried Bumble for about 3 weeks, and it was pulling teeth. Lots of guys matched with me, maybe 10% responded to my messages (and I would try to do something specific like nice dog, I have one too, or cute niece or whatever corresponded to their photo), and of that 10%, probably 80% wanted to hook up or send me “that” pic. I had conversations with maybe 5 guys, and those conversations went nowhere. It was a frustrating and exhausting experience.
Anonymous
That was my experience the several times I have tried Bumble too. I really put in a lot of effort with swiping and messaging and guys were SO flaky and unresponsive. Actually getting someone to talk to you is like pulling teeth. I HATE IT. I wish I could meet a guy in the regular way in the real world, but that’s not happening for me either.
Anon
I’m certainly not an authority on this (been on these dating apps for several years and still single) but I think OKCupid might be the best app if you’re looking for genuine people. The same people seem to be on all the apps, but I think being able to read a real profile makes it easier to weed through people before you get to the messaging or meeting in person stage. I get it though, it’s a tiring process.
Anonymous
This is a vent/PSA. I really wish people would stop encouraging me to go after guys who don’t act like they’re into me. Please stop making excuses for the guy – nooo he really does like you he’s just (shy/inexperienced/etc.). It’s hard enough to like someone who doesn’t like you back. It’s even harder to have your friends suggest that you don’t deserve to be with someone who will act like he’s actually into you. And you’re being too picky if you expect someone to like you off the bat. No, I’m not going to pathetically chase after a guy
I understand my friends probably think they’re being kind. Like, no you’re great and he’s going to see how great you are, you just have to give him a chance (after chance after chance). If you find yourself saying these things to your single friends, please stop. Just take her at her word when she says he’s not into me and I’m moving on.
Senior Attorney
Yes! Sing it! After my divorce my number one rule was “I’m not dating anybody who isn’t crazy about me!” And my number two rule was “I don’t chase boys!” It saved me SO MUCH angst. I didn’t date all that much but all it took was that one guy…
Lana Del Raygun
Ooh I feel ya. One of my old friends once asked me to go to a dance with one of his friends, and then tried to get us to date afterwards. I was like “Dude, we literally did not connect at all, we barely made small talk” and he said “That’s just because Peter is awkward around women.” Well, that sounds like Peter’s problem.
Anonymous
Yesss exactly what I’m talking about. Like ok so not only did I feel zero connection (so I assume he felt the same way) but he also has not texted me at all. Or substantively responded to my text saying it was nice to meet you hope you enjoyed the rest of your night. Why are you on me to continue chasing him??? If he’s so into me then you should be on him to show that he’s interested!
Anonymous
+1!
January
PREACH.
I have never once had a situation work out positively where my friends told me to show *more* interest in someone who, from my perspective, appeared to be pulling away.
There is some benefit to being direct, so if you need that kind of closure, go ahead – that’s different. And I don’t think this situation is necessarily the same as whether or not to make the *first* move. But in my experience, it has never been the case that the guy stopped calling or whatever because he didn’t feel like I was pursuing him enough.
Anonymous
Any ideas for cute cafes/coffee shops in midtown Manhattan where I could just people watch, bring a book? I have a few hours on my hands in NYC between lunches/dinners with friends and I’d like to get out of my hotel room and am tired of shopping. Problem is I’m in midtown 42nd and 5th so everything is crowded/over run with people and you can’t sit around. I don’t want to go far but is there anything like 5 blocks away on a side street where I can hang for an hour or two and not be in anyone’s way?
Anon
How about the park behind the public library at Bryant park? I read a book there for an hour this spring when I was early for an appointment because my prior meeting ended early. I also checked out an art exhibit at the library (y’all go ahead and judge me, but my time tolerance for just about any art installation is arojnd 20 minutes)
Anonymous
It’s kind of hot to be sitting in a park. The Hotel Andaz is on the other side of the library. It has a coffee shop though kind of fancy with table service, not just a cute people watching place.
Anonymous
Not exactly a “cute” coffee shop, but what about the cafe at the Morgan Library?
anon
Gregory’s Coffee on 40th between Madison and 5th.
Scarlett
My favorites are the Maman shops – there’s a few around & I’d google what’s closest to you. I love the one in SoHo.
Anonymous
You will have better luck if you go farther east (maybe 2nd Ave?) or west of 8th Ave – crowds die down a bit in the residential neighborhoods. I’ve heard good things about the Signature Theater atrium, which is near 42nd and 10th Ave, but haven’t personally tried it.
Anonymous
There is also an atrium in the BlackRock building that isn’t exactly cute but doesn’t usually seem completely overrun with people. 55 E 52nd St
Anonymous
Ground Central on E 52nd St — the only midtown cafe I have ever found with sofas!
Anonymous
My mother was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctors can’t give us a specific time frame, but statistically it’s likely to be between 3-5 months. Does anyone have advice for getting through this? Things they wish they’d known or done differently if you’ve been through it? She’s single but has great friends; I don’t live nearby but have been flying back and forth every other week since the diagnosis. I’ve been focused on logistics/documents/plans but now that we have a handle on those, want to make the most of the time without knowing how much there is.
Anon
I’m really sorry to hear that. My dear aunt who was like a second mother to me died a few years ago and what helped her and the family was just showing up and being there and not being afraid to reminisce. Let your mom talk about whatever she wants to talk about, even if it’s sad and painful.
Also, one lesson I’ve learned from the loss of my aunt and several other close family members in the past five years is that you should ALWAYS go. Tired at the end of the work day and not sure you’re up to the hour drive to hospice? Go. Plane tickets are expensive this weekend but your mom is going to be there alone? Go. There have now been three separate occasions where I did go and if I hadn’t, I would have missed the very last time to see that person.
Hugs to you. This is going to be really hard and I hope you have good support systems in place for yourself.
Anonymous
Take a leave of absence and spend time with her. Talk to your HR about options (FMLA, etc.) – most companies will have something for this situation and it’s time you won’t get back. I’m so sorry.
Anonymous
HUGS
Does she have a living will, health care power of attorney, and durable power of attorney? You want her doctors to talk to you.
Also: has she said what she wants to happen to her (burial (where?) or cremation)? Knowing “what mom wants” is so much better than a fight arguing “X is what mom would have wanted”.
Also, you can do hospice at home many times (w/o having to go into a hospice location).
pugsnbourbon
+1. As much as you can, make a plan.
I’m so, so sorry.
tea+sympathy
I’m so sorry. My mother died 4 months after a cancer diagnosis almost a decade ago. I think the most important thing I did was try to support my mother’s spirits. There was nothing I could do about her physical state and my impact was limited to her mental state. Here’s what I did/ wish I had done differently.
1) I visited on a regular schedule. I wish I had discussed this more explicitly with my sister so that we could have had more even coverage. At the same time, it has to be sustainable for the long term. The most likely scenario is 3-5 months, but it could be 2 months, or 8 months.
2) I called every night and told her about something stupid/funny that had happened to me.
3) I sent her strange and random gifts (bacon chocolate). I actually don’t think this was important to her at all so in retrospect might have skipped it.
4) I didn’t realize how bad her condition would be in the last 2 weeks of her life. In her last week of life she couldn’t speak and just laid on her bed. She was in hospice at the time (and they were great). My mother was not single so was able to stay at home but that may not be an option for your mother. (And, truthfully, it was very, very tough on everyone in the house. You are literally sitting in a room with your mother waiting for her to die. The level of suck is huge. Be willing to turn on the TV and watch trash to distract yourself. We played a lot of stupid sitcoms from the 1970s that my mother had enjoyed that kept us distracted. Truthfully, I don’t think my mother was aware of them at all and our deference to her preferences was symbolic only.)
It was a very difficult time, although obviously easier on me than on my mother. I had the chance to say goodbye to her and I’ll always be profoundly grateful for that.
Anon in NYC
I’m really sorry. Hugs.
Can you take a leave of absence and spend some time with her? Or work remotely? My friend recently went through the same thing, and I know that she really valued the uninterrupted time she got to spend with her mom.
Anonymous
My dad (who was a widower) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he lived for about seven months after diagnosis. Things that we did that made a huge difference:
– If your mom is still well enough, do something really fun. We celebrated my dad’s 60th birthday and did a big Chicago weekend.
– Get him plugged into a large academic hospital system with a team-based approach to care (including palliative).
– Get all paperwork in order and understand wishes with respect to funeral and burial. My dad wanted to be cremated, which required extra paperwork.
– We moved him to us to do home hospice, and I hired a homecare nurse to be with him during the work day.
– Family came in often to see him. My sister came in every other weekend, and my brother came for weeks at a time. Plus, aunts and uncles took turns coming.
– People would bring him lottery tickets, because he was convinced that he was due for some good luck (and he would plan what to do with his winnings). We now periodically buy lottery tickets in his honor.
– After your mom passes, I strongly suggest going to counseling to help with grief and closure. I have had too many people in my life not deal with these issues appropriately.
Things will never be truly “better”, but you can and will get through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
Patricia Gardiner
I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Agree with others who have said- take time off, get there as much as possible. My biggest regret in life so far is not being with my father more when he had terminal cancer.
While you are apart- daily phone calls/Face time, maybe send her a book you are reading too for a long-distance book club.
Find out her wishes now- what would she want for herself if she were no longer able to make medical decisions? What constitutes a good quality of life for her?
Take care of yourself too. You can’t be there for her if you are not sleeping, eating well, etc.
Hugs.
Anonymous
I think the most important question is …. who is going to take care of her? Even the strongest of us, with great friends, shouldn’t be alone during these last few months.
Is there the possibility of you taking FMLA to care for her when things get more difficult? Do you have any relatives (aunts/uncles/sibs) that can help? I would look into this now, so you can have a general game plan. You need to be honest with yourself about what you can do. But if you cannot be there, I would explore what will happen when she can’t drive anymore, and what hospice looks like in her area. Things can change very quickly in advanced cancer.
When my mother was diagnosed similarly with advanced pancreatic cancer, I took FMLA to care for her. There is no way she could have managed alone. Just managing to get to her appointments, back and forth to chemo and the side effects/meds, trying to make food she could eat etc…. was overwhelming for me. She quickly needed a lot of assistance, mentally as well as physically. She could have never driven herself safely to chemo. Hospice actually offers very very minimal care, unless you are at a inpatient facility. So few people can manage safely at home with only hospice helping and with advanced cancer. But every person is different…. every cancer is different..
Also my mother lived much much longer than the estimated time frame, which was wonderful. But it also led me to loose my job. So there are things to consider.
But you only have one mother. And you will never regret the time spent with her during her last weeks/months.
OP
OP here – thanks so much, all, this is really helpful. I’m definitely planning on taking FMLA for a bunch of time towards the end, and planning regular trips back while she is in relatively good condition, but appreciate hearing all the other pieces of advice. FWIW, it’s advanced pancreatic cancer, which several of you mentioned. Can’t believe how common it is.
job offer decision help - Update!
Hi ladies! Thanks for the advice and support on Monday – it was super useful.
Although my DH works remotely so it wouldn’t have had a direct effect on his job, I ended up deciding that sacrificing happiness in the short term for both of us just wasn’t worth the potential career benefits for me. And almost immediately after turning down that job, I received a third offer for something local that I thought was very much of a long shot, and is a terrific opportunity and step-up for me career-wise. I’m negotiating the salary and start date now – it’s been an intense week!
Anonymous
Fantastic!! That’s such great news!
Anonymous
Yay! I love updates.
Senior Attorney
Oh, wow, that’s great! Thanks for the update!
Tfor22
That is fantastic, congratulations!
To the poster looking for honeymoon recs
Someone posted here a couple of days ago saying they had two weeks for their honeymoon and couldn’t decide where to go.
Indonesia! Hits all your requirements.
Great food, beaches, warm and sunny, culture, it’s all there. Awesome resorts too. US/ European beach resorts cannot hold a candle to Bali’s best.
Anonymous
Plus, easy to get there via Singapore. Unless you can fly direct to Jakarta.
Gail the Goldfish
If Anthropologie is re-doing patterns, fingers crossed they re-do that blouse with constellations on it they did years ago that I should have bought and still occasionally think about (because hello, subtle space nerd clothes)
Celia
Maybe it’s on eBay?
William & Mary
I see a lot of HYP posters here and also a lot of SEC school alumni here as well. And lots of small NE schools (Wesleyan?). Are there any W&M people?
Baconpancakes
Hark upon the gale, yo.
Anonymous
How awesome is that that Baconpancakes is a member of the Tribe?!
Lulu
Yes! Fellow W&M grad here!
Anon.
W&M Law Grad here.
W&M Law
Yes!!!! Go Tribe!
Another W&M Law alum
Yes! And I still work next door.
JMU Alum
JMU alum here, but my brother went to W&M. I do remember that time you all spent a ton of cash installing stadium lights for us to thoroughly trounce you all in football. ;)
Sorry, you girls are all awesome. Just having a little fun.
Not Sure Where to Start
I realize that I feel unhappy and overwhelmed most of the time and have felt like this for quite awhile and I’m not sure where to start turning things around.
I was in a car accident a few years ago that left me with ongoing back problems and pain even after the other injuries healed. The driver who hit me lied and got a friend (who wasn’t even there when the accident happened) to lie and say that she was there and that the accident was my fault. So now I am in pain most of my day while commuting/sitting at my desk. This also limits my physical activity so I have gained 15 lbs. And I’m stuck with the bills because the person who caused the accident got away with it.
I’m angry about how unfair it is, feel physically not good and have limited mobility so I don’t exercise and have gained weight.
On top of it, my marriage is not great. We are like roommates who have occasional disagreements. DH refuses all requests/demands for counseling saying it’s too hard to find a good therapist (we went a few sessions here and there and the therapists were truly awful) and it’s too expensive.
I’m just passing time in my job. I gave up a great career after children and took a less demanding job so I would have more time with my children. My job is what I asked for – flexible, good hours, very decent pay and benefits – but it is mindless. When I see what other people I graduated with do now I’m disappointed in myself.
So I basically realize that I’m a sad sack in all areas of my life. I’m not sure how things got this far off the rails or where to start but it seems to have originated with trying to recover from the accident. I just can let go of how unfair the situation is and that the person who caused the accident did this much harm and just skipped away without any liability.
How do you let things that are just wrong and unfair go? And where do I even start being less unhappy and angry?
Anonymous
This is when you go to therapy by yourself!
Anonymous
+1!
Anonymous
HUGS — this sounds very rough for you.
My thought when I get stuck of legit rage-causing things in my life: Forgiveness is a gift you gift yourself.
I heard him speak years ago. He is more compassionate than Carrie Fisher’s autobiography (bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person dies), but gets to the same place: http://www.drhallowell.com/dare-to-forgive/
Anonymous
I know it’s cliche that people suggest therapy all the time here, but it really seems like individual therapy could help you deal with your feelings about the accident. That seems like a good place to start.
Anonymous
You should have retained a lawyer for the accident.
Anonymous
I did. He was well-recommended. And he did a terrible job at trial (failed to impeach witness who was obviously lying, forgot to ask that certain photos be admitted to evidence so jury was not able to review them while deliberating, etc). It was a train wreck and only makes me feel worse about the whole thing.
But thanks. That was a really helpful suggestion. Because clearly I have not considered my ability to go back and time and fix stuff.
Anonymous
Honestly, this is what individual therapy is good for. You can’t go back in time, but you need to be able to let go of at least some of your anger so that you can move forward and be happy with your life.
Anonymous
Although the specifics vary, I think a lot of us have felt this way at some point in life. I felt stuck at one point, and individual therapy immensely helped me. I learned to re-think my situation and change the narratives I was telling myself (that I missed the boat, that nothing would change, that I got left behind while everyone else moved forward into wonderful careers, relationships, families, etc).
It also helped to distract when I would start feeling those negative narratives come on in my mind. No, you can’t change time. But you can change the future.
Is there any hobby you have put aside? It was helpful for me to do something for myself, not just a bubble bath but something selfish with an achievable outcome to see that you can do it. Whether that’s read a book, do an arts and crafts project, take a cooking class, attend a wine tasting-something where you’ll learn and achieve and help reverse the funk.
Anonymous
I’m sorry that happened to you, it really sucks. I have a book called “Healing Anger” by the Dalai Lama that helped me through some very angry times in my life. It was hard for me to accept things that I couldn’t change, which made me very angry and frustrated at life, but it was true that as long as I thought about how it should be different I’d just keep being angry. Looking into solo therapy may not be a bad idea, I did a lot of journaling but talking it out would probably be cathartic.
Miss
I second the suggestion for a therapist. You need to prioritize your mental health. You can’t change the past and it’s dragging you down. A therapist should be able to help you reframe your thoughts and focus on the present and future.
As a lawyer, the system of justice isn’t perfect. It gets things wrong all the time and people have to live with the consequences. Sometimes it has to do with the quality of representation, but sometimes it’s just bad luck. Every experienced lawyer has cases they should have won but didn’t. The judge didn’t like the argument, the jury was off, etc. I’m sorry it happened to you but by continuing to focus on the past and how unfair it was, you’re only punishing yourself.
Anonymous
Thanks, all. I’ve been avoid therapy mainly because finding a decent and affordable therapist seems so difficult. I’m surprised by how not great the few marital therapists we tried were so maybe my impression of the therapy landscape is wrongly colored.
Anonymous
I’ve done both. In my experience, individual therapy was vastly superior to marriage counseling, which was largely an hour long blame session that left me disillusioned and hurt.
Anonymous
You are also clearly depressed, and this is thwarting your ability to work on your situation and pursue the therapy you need.
You may need to consider starting a medication to help improve your mindset, while searching for a therapist. Talk with your primary care doctor. You desperately need a therapist. This is your health. There is nothing more important for spending your money on, as it sounds like you can afford it. It is very easy to make excuses, but time to move forward.
Make an appointment to see your primary care doctor. Get a medication. Ask for a referral to a therapist.
Senior Attorney
I also feel like marital therapy is a whole different (harder, more unpleasant) thing than individual therapy. I’ve had great experiences in individual therapy but no luck whatsoever in marital therapy, ever.
Anon
Same on marital therapy. Worthless, expensive blame-game sessions that only further convinced my (thankfully) ex-husband that he was right about everything.
Senior Attorney
Exactly! You may be happy to hear that these days they are teaching therapists in training that conjoint therapy is contra-indicated in cases of abuse, including emotional abuse. I guess my marital therapist didn’t get that memo.
Anonymous
In addition to the mental health therapy, consider looking at physical therapy or options for the physical pain. Pain sucks up a lot of energy and if you can address that by treating the root cause, it will free up space to deal with the rest of it.
M
I can only imagine your frustration and understand why you are legitimately angry. as to how to move forward, since as you point out, going back in time isn’t an option, therapy does sound like it will be useful. Psychology Today has a directory. While most therapists will not be in network, maybe your insurance will cover a certain amount out of network of you’ve already hit your deductible? Or you can ask about a cash rate
Also, I highly highly recommend Pema Chodron’s books. When Things Fall Apart is an excellent place to start. Before she became a nun she went through two painful divorces and talks about her anger
Internet hugs
Not sure how old you are or how old your marriage is, but (beyond therapy) one thing that has gotten me through downtimes in my life is the idea of women re-inventing themselves, their career, their relationships or approaches to relationships, their friendships, hobbies, etc. I’m sure men do it, too, but to me, women have this as a recurring theme in recent media, pop culture, life, experiences. The idea of, I thought I was too old for X but then these things happened and wow! I made the rest happen! Take heart!! Changes can be made and YOU can make them.
Anonymous
Fellow chronic back pain here. I would tackle that first, as the pain makes everything else overwhelming. Work on finding a good doctor, physical therapist or trainer depending on how far along you are in recovery. I can now walk, swim, ride a recumbent bike, and have a mat program I can do, but only got here with trial and a lot of error.
Anon
Any advice for a first time home buyer in a very competitive seller’s market? The bank has already given me a conditional approval letter and I have more than a 20% down payment ready to go. My MCOL area is so tough right now. Several of my friends were able to beat out other offers by making a cash offer (gifts from parents) and then refinancing at the bank. I’m not willing to do that. If you were a seller, how can I make my offer attractive to you?
Anonymous
I’ve never understood why a higher offer requiring financing is rejected over a lower all-cash offer. At closing, money goes into the seller’s account. People who claim to have the funds sometimes back out by saying
“there’s a problem with the overseas transfer” or other nonsense so I don’t really think that all cash necessarily represents a more certain or faster closing.
That said, your realtor can best guide you but s/he will probably suggest waiving all contingencies, possibly waiving inspection, and otherwise basically saying you will buy no matter what.
We went that (seemingly risky) route and won over 6 other offers and are still happy 3 years later but YMMV
Anonymous
We had an all-cash buyer one time and it was just so much easier. He had the money in his account and transferred it immediately. The title/escrow company had it a few days before we closed. In the end it’s not a big deal, but on other houses we have sold we have had delays because of the mortgage company, especially if you have a not-great mortgage officer on the other side. So I see the appeal of all-cash.
A full-price offer with few contingencies is probably the best you can do and you will just have to wait for the right fit.
Anonymous
Waiving appraisal is one thing (if you’re willing to pay more than the home is objectively worth) but waiving inspection seems absolutely insane to me, even in the hottest markets in the world. Not all serious damage is immediately obvious. Things like termite damage can be invisible to the untrained eye, but very expensive to fix. You could buy a house that needs more in repairs than you put down, and find yourself underwater immediately. I don’t know. I’m just way too risk averse to do that. If that was the only way I could buy I just wouldn’t buy.
Anonymous
I don’t think you could possibly buy a home with a loan without an appraisal. What bank is ever going to give you a loan without an appraisal?
The inspection is fine. Home inspections don’t go that deep anyway, there are a lot of problems they can’t find.
Anonymous
Or rather I should say that if you do get an inspection, you shouldn’t think that you’re in the clear. Inspections can uncover *some* problems or potential problems, but certainly not all.
Anonymous
Well, you do the math. If you’re only putting 20% down or less, then yes, the house needs to appraise for the offer price to meet the lending guidelines. But if you’re putting 50% down, it’s ok if the house appraises for less – you have more wiggle room to still be in the lending guidelines. It doesn’t mean that you don’t get an appraisal, it means that the house doesn’t necessarily have to appraise for $X in order to still close.
Anonymous
Generally, when buyers say they are waiving the inspection, what they really mean is waiving the inspection contingency – meaning that the buyer will still buy regardless of the results of the inspection and won’t use the inspection as an out.
Home inspections aren’t worth much anyway – the inspectors are generally in cahoots with the realtors and don’t want to sink a potential sale. There are tons of disclaimers in their reports. The one use I found for my home inspection was a tool to force the (equally bad and maybe worse) home warranty provider to fix things on the grounds that, per the report, the items were preexisting damage that SHOULD HAVE BEEN KNOWN.
Don’t even get me started on the practically mandatory home warranty policy purchased by sellers. AWFUL.
Anonymous
I’d think that developers and similar professionals would waive inspection. They know they’re going to gut or level the house anyway so it doesn’t really matter. And if they can go through the house with their own contractor, he can spot issues just as well as an inspector.
Anonymous
I assume it’s partly because they don’t need to worry about a bank requiring appraisals or inspections, or a bank balking at the results of those.
Anonymous
If it’s a VA loan, the house can’t need any repairs or they won’t approve the loan. It’s a huge pain to deal with, we had to repaint a house we didn’t own yet because peeling paint was unacceptable to them. Also now in our market a lot of houses aren’t appraising, which is a huge problem that cash buyer may not care about.
Anon
Ooh I want to know this too. Similar position but in a HCOL area. Homes around here are getting snapped up with cash offers 24-48 hours after listing and I just don’t see how I can compete with that.
Anonymous
Possibly cheesy, but if you think it would appeal to the homeowners, and if it fits your personality, write them a letter and include it with your offer explaining how much you like the home and can tell how well cared for it is and that you’re looking forward to building your life there, etc.
I’ve owned a bunch of houses – some I’ve been very sad to sell, others I was just neutral on, but the ones I really loved I would have been happy to get a letter knowing that it was going to someone who would really love it, not just whoever had the most money (not that those are necessarily mutually exclusive).
Anonymous
I’ve lost a few and it really just came down to who had the highest offer. Sometimes you might look better if you make a best and final offer instead of doing the price (or a little over the price) plus an escalation clause, but I think most people just want the most money they can get. Writing letters can help, people often don’t prefer to sell to flippers or builders if that is who you are up against.
Anonymous
+1 My realtor and I talked a lot about the walk away price – what was the highest I’d be willing to pay for a house and not feel like “it got away” if I didn’t get it. The first 2 houses I put an offer on (earlier this year) were both over listing, one of multiple offers, and I didn’t get either.
The house I did get – I offered listing (it was cute, but not THAT cute), and I think I was the only offer. So, you decide quickly if you want to make an offer, make your best offer, and keep looking until you get something accepted. Sellers are too varied to have a strategy that will work on anyone you meet.
Anon
Quick close, no contingencies, an as-is offer where I’m not going to get into escrow with you and then you start demanding all kind of things (like a new roof when the roof doesn’t leak – yes this happened)
JuniorMinion
Your realtor should guide you what the sellers are focused on – what helped me was being willing (up to fixed ceiling) to make up the difference if appraisal came in low. There were 4 other offers on the house I ultimately bought and this I think was the most attractive part of my offer to the sellers.
Namaste Day
Quick question – how do you calm your inner self and find your concentration again after the following scenario? Manager decides to have a loud 30 minute social conversation with the woman whose desk is right next to yours (open office of course). My job is to provide written analysis of complex issues.
Panda Bear
Can you put on headphones and listen to calming music? Something classical/instrumental usually helps me focus and block out external annoyances.
Anonymous
I’d get up, go for a walk to get a cup of coffee, and just try again 30 minutes later. I hate open offices.
Anonymous
It might be too late for this post but any advice on soothing sore muscles when you can’t take a bath? I may have overdone it at the gym yesterday and then pushed myself through a spin class this morning and now I can’t walk…
Anonymous
Foam roller all the way.
Lana Del Raygun
Foam rolling, light stretching, making yourself walk/hobble/stagger.
Anonymous
I just did a 5 minute stretching video from Fitness Blender (link to follow) that felt amazing on my sore muscles.
Anonymous
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9WC_eLmP30
Anonymous
Thank you all! I’ll try the stretching and hopefully it’ll help until I get home and get use my foam roller.
ANP
Not sure if you’re still checking but epsom salt baths never fail me.