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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Fluid Cap-Sleeve Top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Reiss one-day sale 15% offGood news, ladies: there's a one day only sale happening at Reiss today, where you can take 15% off sitewide. This includes stuff already marked down, like this lovely blouse, which comes in this nice pink as well as a black/navy floral pattern. I love the floaty, relaxed feeling of the blouse, mixed with the tailored waist — it seems professional but also romantic in a way. It was originally $195, then marked to $132; with the sale another $20ish comes off at checkout. Ladies, what's your favorite thing to buy at Reiss other than all the amazing dresses and suits — any wardrobe basics that you love? (Oh, and if you're on a budget, do check out the Reiss Outlet — just sort by your size first!) Pictured: Fluid Cap-Sleeve Top Roseate This $25 top has a similar vibe and comes in sizes XS-XXL; for plus sizes this top has a similar vibe, and there are a number of tops with floaty sleeves (chiffon, butterfly sleeve, poncho, flutter-sleeve). Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

278 Comments

  1. Someone commented a couple of days ago that she felt that people didn’t consider her attractive because she isn’t white. This resonated with me, because I really think that otherwise I would be considered conventionally attractive if I were white, but I’m not, so I’m not. I’m wondering how common of a feeling this is. It’s not so important to me personally whether people find me attractive or not, but the underlying principle of the sentiment irks me. Until recently I just assumed I was just being too sensitive and making issues where there probably aren’t any. I’m interested in others’ thoughts.

    1. I feel you. As a dark skinned South Asian woman, I am treated as invisible by South Asian men, and since I am not a blond, size 2, blue eyed white women, I am treated like I am invisible by everyone else. The upside of having given up on love is that I save a ton of money on clothes, makeup, jewelry ect, and there is something quite liberating about being free from the tyranny of the male gaze!

      1. “Tyranny of the Male Gaze” would make a great band name for an all women punk rock band.

    2. I used to feel this way but less so now. I’m Indian and I actually find a fair cross section of guys of all races hit on me. I would say mostly African American and Hispanic and Indian, and less so white guys. But white guys do hit on me sometimes and when they do, I’m frankly always a little surprised. I will also say that it goes both ways. Out of all races, I am least attracted to white men.

      I read a fiction book about how someone described herself as being “Indian pretty” but not generally pretty. I used to feel that way. Meaning, people within your community find you pretty but not the general population as a whole. I think what changed for me was — I started dressing much nicer, I gained a lot of confidence, I started working out and taking care of myself, and I’m a lot friendlier.

      To the OP, I don’t know if you’re black or not, but I find that many of my black girlfriends in particular feel the way you do. My best friend, who is black and very very pretty, says that non-black guys never hit on her. It’s frustrating.

      1. I get this. I used to feel this way when I was very young, which makes me very sad for my younger self. I had articulated it as, I am pretty but white people can’t see it. I still feel this way from time to time, when I find myself in “very white” surroundings, but it doesn’t bother me anymore. I got other things going on for me.

        And for the “Indian Pretty,” it sounds a bit horrible, but I’ve talked about the reverse of this concept before. There are some types of pretty that are not attractive within the community, but white people can’t tell, and that type will be “pretty” to them. I feel gross articulating that.

        It’s terrible. The tyranny of the superficial gaze.

      2. This is a great topic…I enjoy seeing women of color come out to speak on Corporette.

        I’m African, and I have been told I am pretty in a universal sense. There is some truth to that because my face isn’t like those non-black people tend to find unpretty e.g. Viola Davis or Nina Simone. White men don’t often hit on me. They stare. But they don’t speak.

        I find that the negeative perceptions about Black women that exist in media and general convo really hinder men from approaching.

        By the way, I think communities of color recognize beauty in each other e.g. Southeast Asian women, Latinas in their distinct beauty are obviously beauty to me.

        1. You know, it’s funny. We are all anon so I just assume most of the readership is Caucasian American. Lately I am seeing more ‘anon posts’ self identify as a visible minority and I have had to check my own presumptions. it’s a great reminder not to default to white. I am Asian btw.

    3. I thought she said she suspected the reason guys find her attractive is because she’s not white?

      Lot of dudes out there with a fetish for ‘exotic’ women

      1. I’m the poster from yesterday. I meant that guys don’t find me attractive because I’m not white. I also don’t like being thought of as “exotic” or a fetish object.

      2. Being a fetish means your an object, which I am 100% not cool with. It also brings the stereotypes that come along with that specific race – which, as a black woman, means that I’m “wild, kinky, sassy”, none of which are really true- I was raised in a suburban area, went to a private school, and I’m a lawyer, I love taylor swift and Pumpkin Spice Lattes, which you know, isn’t really what people expect. Dudes who come to me looking for a fetish are soon disappointed

        1. As another black woman, I’d like to point out that all of the factors that you mentioned (suburbs, private school, lawyer, etc.) have nothing to do with “wild, kinky, sassy.” Let’s not refute one set of stereotypes with another set of stereotypes.

          I’m also a lawyer with a similar background and know that kinky people are raised in the burbs and the hood, like Taylor Swift and Kanye, have all types of jobs, etc.

          1. Oh, I totally agree, my phrasing should have been more accurate- I don’t think those attributes are linked to being raised in the suburbs, etc. or not.

            It was more an explanation that the stereotypes (including attributes and life experience-not necessarily that those two things are always linked) don’t really apply to me, so men who come looking for a fetish, don’t get what they want.

      3. Asian lady here. I absolutely hate that I am expected to behave in a quiet docile way in a relationship. Men who expect something like Madame Butterfly are in for a rude awakening.

      4. Do you honestly think that being a “fetish” because you’re “exotic” is okay? And that non-white women should be happy with that? I can’t believe you would post that.

        1. That’s not how I read Anon at 10:22’s comment at all. OP is referencing a post where someone said she thinks people don’t find her attractive because she’s not white, and Anon is saying “oh, I read it differently that the poster said she’s afraid men DO find her attractive because she’s not white, and it’s because they have a fetish for women of her background.” I don’t see where Anon is saying it’s not a problem, just that she recalled the post being a different problem.

          FWIW, my recollection is the same as OP’s (that the poster thinks men aren’t attracted to her because she’s not white) but the latter is also a very real problem that some of my friends and relatives have complained about.

        2. Where did the poster you’re replying to say it’s OK to be objectivized, or that women should be happy with that? She was describing a phenomenon, not making a value judgment.

    4. White girl here. That makes me very sad. I’d hate for my daughter to feel that way. Women have enough problems dealing with too much attention focused on their looks. I hope I don’t do that but your comments make think I should reevaluate.

    5. Another Black girl here. I’ve found that I get hit on by non-Black guys when I’m skinnier than usual. My girlfriends and I joke that we’re “White boy skinny”-not PC but that’s how it goes. Of course there are guys who fetishize or like non White women all the time, but this instance happens beyond that.

      1. White girl here. When I’m a size 8, only white guys hit on me. When I’m a size 10 or 12, only Black and Latino guys hit on me. Asian guys never hit on me.

        1. I’m mixed race and I pass as white the majority of the time, but not always (basically until I get tan in the summer) and I notice such a difference – in who hits on me, in how men speak to me, in how strangers in general speak to me (I get a lot of questions about ‘what’ I am – ew). And I definitely feel the same way about size. The white men that are into my body type often seem to be fetishizing it, or even excited that they have found a white women with the a** of a non white women – something I have really heard multiple times. It’s depressing.

          1. I’m also mixed! I absolutely *hate* the question of “what are you?”. The response in my head is usually “I don’t know, a person?? WTF are you?”. The public response is a fake confused smile and “oh, what do you mean, what am I?”.

            So offensive. I want that question banned.

          2. I have heard so many variations over the years, and so many uses of the word exotic. I try to muster the energy for a snappy comeback but I really just want to smack every person who says these things to me. It just feels like a person asking me to help them categorize me racially so they can decide how to treat me. No.

          3. “Where are you from?” because they want to know specifically which Asian country I am from (as if they deserve to know). I am from New York, born and raised. Hate this.

          4. As a light skinned black (non-mixed) woman, I abhor when people ask “What are you mixed with?” right after they say I’m pretty, as if I couldn’t be “just” black and be attractive.

          5. I absolutely get this as much as I can being white and would never use this phrasing. However, I love learning about people and their stories and their heritage (if they value it). How can I ask in a way that isn’t offensive? Is, “tell me about your family” a better question?

          6. My father was Egyptian-Turkish and my mother is American of Western European descent. People often ask “So what are you?” I don’t mind. I understand I’m a bit hard to peg. I think “may I ask – what’s your heritage?” is perfectly polite.

            I also definitely agree that black men hit on me when I’m a size 12. (Once when a black man asked me about my background, he proceeded to lambaste me for not living out my “black heritage.” Culturally inaccurate and not a great way to get a date, but whatever.) White guys hit on me when I’m a 6.

          7. Of course now that I have typed that, I realize that “family” is a loaded word too . . .

          8. @CountC – family isn’t really loaded, it’s the idea that the person is probing to figure out what box you live in.

            So, I’m never offended when friends ask, or when it makes sense in the context, it’s more when it’s the second or third question that people ask, like they’re immediately trying to figure out how to treat you. If I’ve just met you for the first time, don’t ask. If we have mutual friends, and I’ve hung out with you once or twice, and out in a group for dinner, sure, feel free to slip in a question about “so, what’s your heritage?”.

          9. I agree with anonymous @ 129. It’s a great thing to learn from people with different experiences than your own. I get upset when I feel like you’re reducing me to that thing, though. If I think that you’re interested in getting to know me and the heritage is a part of that, I’m content to share whatever. If I feel like I’m a means for you to learn about this thing, or to feel more “cultured” or whatever……… Also, one would think it goes without saying, but you’d be surprised how often this happens- don’t let what you know of my heritage fill in the gaps of what you don’t know about me. Just ask! For example, I’m Indian and married to a white guy. Don’t say “Oh I bet your parents didn’t approve of that!” Uhh… my parents DGAF. I’m a big fan of straightforward, honest, unassuming questions when asked in the right context.

        2. Ha ha, this is so true. At my heaviest, only black and latino guys hit on me. Now that I’m skinnier, it’s more of a cross section.

          So what is the “ideal” look for every race? Here’s what I think but I’d love others to chime in.

          Black — shapely butt, medium b**bs but doesn’t have to be huge, being a bit bigger is fine and a good thing
          Latino – same as above, plus long hair
          Asian (non-Indian) – skinny, don’t care about butt, perky b**bs
          Indian – slim but not too skinny, medium or large b**bs, lighter complexion, long hair

          1. Black is shapely butt/hips/thighs (butt to thigh ratio is important), slim waist, b**bs generally don’t matter (can be anything from Rihanna to Kim K’s size), light skin, long hair (straight or a certain type of curly hair).

    6. I think about this a lot and I think it’s less about being a minority and more about being dark skinned. If you’re dark skinned, fewer people find you attractive including those within your own community. I hate that that’s true but that’s been my experience. As a woman who is minority but has more of a light brown complexion, I get asked out a lot by men of all races. I do think that if I were several shades darker I would get hit on less.

      Look at the photoshopping we see on magazine covers. Remember when Beyonce was on a cover and they lightened her skin? Being lighter = being perceived as prettier.

      When my kids were born the first question my dad asked me on the phone was — do they have a good complexion (meaning, are they light?). Aaaaaaaargh.

      1. I for sure agree that complexion is a huge factor. But being Asian, I think that my “Asian features” also play a part in all of this.

      3. I am Hispanic and have light skin. My husband is Hispanic and has dark skin. When our kids were born lots of his older family members commented on how beautiful they were because they had light skin. One of his great-Uncle’s even commended him for “lightening up” the next generation, as though my husband specifically chose me because of my light skin. It was sad.

        1. Out of all of the comments I’ve read in this thread, this one made me feel genuinely sad. My best friends are all Hispanic (I am white) and I have to honestly admit that I did not know this dynamic existed, though looking back at certain conversations I’ve overheard between them and their families, I do believe it’s something that affects them too.

          1. Unfortunately this is a dynamic in all minority communities, not just Hispanic. I can’t think of a single community where being darker is a good thing. This is why skin lightening treatments are so popular in Asia, Caribbean, etc. We’re all a bunch of folks in varying shades of brown trying to be lighter. Ugh.

    7. Honestly, I think I’m pretty now -and guys will tell me I’m beautiful- but if I was white, I would have a lot more success in dating. I have had guys flat out say that they don’t want mixed race babies, so they like me, but they wouldn’t marry me.

      2. Gah. I guess you should be thankful for their honesty, but this makes me really sad.

        1. Ugh, could we not fetishize in the opposite direction. Mixed race babies (and adults) are just as attractive (or not) than any other racial/ethnic background.

          2. White babies come out of the sunless womb looking like hairless cats. I agree with you that we shouldn’t fetishize “mixed” babies, but babies with a little bit of pigment in their skins are born looking cuter than the splotchy/veiny extra-white infants. None of that is a reason to have one or the other – wait a minute and they’re all cute – but I think there is a little bit of truth there.

          3. *any pigment. Lots of pigment, little amounts of pigment, I didn’t meant to emphasize “a little bit” except that tiny newborns don’t have a lot of anything.

          4. If it really was just about pigment, black/brown babies would be “fetishized” just as much as mixed babies. Plus, the newborn effect normalizes pretty quickly.

      4. Don’t you mean dating “success”? Horrible comments, but you learned who these guys were before you got too involved. Would you really want to be with them if they think like that? i doubt this is an isolated flaw that wouldn’t reveal itself in other ways if you were white. It just might be harder to pick up on.

    8. Both race and color (lighter versus darker) impact perceived attractiveness, on average. Racism and colorism are still alive and well, unfortunately, and it’s naive to pretend otherwise. I also agree that different races have different “ideal” body shapes/sizes. It was only a few years ago that having a butt became acceptable and desired in mainstream (ie white) beauty standards, while it’s always been desirable in black beauty standards. On average, the closer you are to the “ideal” of a certain race, the more attractive you’ll be to men of that race.

      1. If were going to be stereotypical, I would take the term “race” and replace it with “culture” – different cultures have different ideals. I know it seems like semantics, but it’s really the culture that surrounds a percieved race that determines standards of beauty, not the race of the people itself. Culture and race are definitely intertwined, such as having a certain heritage may make one pre-disposed to the features that culture finds attractive, but it seems more appropriate to center the stereotype on the thing actually responsible for it.

        1. I think both race and culture are factors, but race is still the greater factor. For example, black men of two different cultures (American versus Caribbean) have almost identical beauty standards. Black and white men of the same culture (American, for example) tend to have completely different beauty standards. Race and culture, as influenced by race, are so intertwined that it’s almost impossible to separate the two.

      2. I think Tina Fey said it best: “But I think the first real change in women’s body image came when JLo turned it butt-style. That was the first time that having a large-scale situation in the back was part of mainstream American beauty. Girls wanted butts now. Men were free to admit that they had always enjoyed them. And then, what felt like moments later, boom—Beyoncé brought the leg meat. A back porch and thick muscular legs were now widely admired. And from that day forward, women embraced their diversity and realized that all shapes and sizes are beautiful. Ah ha ha. No. I’m totally messing with you. All Beyonce and JLo have done is add to the laundry list of attributes women must have to qualify as beautiful. Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall a$$, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll t*ts. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.”

    10. Just curious, at what point does a person’s preference in attractiveness become a fetish? I get that fetishes objectify if you are seeking something just for your own s-e-x-u-a-l pleasure. But if we are talking about initial attraction, like what causes A to talk to B in the bar, what’s okay and what isn’t? If a guy tends to be more attracted to larger women, I think it would be okay for him to talk to them first. But, if a guy only talks to a larger woman because he has always wanted to see what it would be like to be with one, and post it to a BBW forum, then that is icky and objectifying. But saying you find a certain skin tone beautiful? Is that alone fetishizing? Is it fetishizing when aimed at minorities but not when referencing pale Irish skin (say a redhead with freckles for example)? I think there is a big difference between initial attraction and finding a whole person beautiful. So saying you only date X would be very icky to me and goes beyond initial attraction. But if you have a “type” that you find yourself initially talking to, I think that’s just the initial attraction thing and can go beyond race and skin tone.

    11. Have any one made the decision about who you would have kids with based on your experience (i.e dark skin is perceived as less attractive etc)? I did it (not very proud).

      I am an Indian woman who has regular Indian brown skin tone, but was not considered attractive and was rejected by men especially in arranged marriage settings. College days were rough because my best friend was very fair and we were always together. I could see the difference between the treatment I was receiving verses her. Boys wanted me to be their “friend” and some how get in touch with her and pursue her using me as their common friend. None of them wanted nothing more than be a friend with me. It had a terrible impact on my self-esteem and had played a big role in how I decided choose my partner.

      I really really liked a guy with whom I used to work there who was very very dark even with Indian standards.We were officially “friends”. There was an amazing chemistry going on between us at every one around us thought we were a couple. My parents and his parents also kind of hoped we would be more than “friends”. I have never met anyone with whom I felt so much at ease . I decided to remain a friend because I was terrified of having a dark complexioned girl and I absolutely didn’t want my children to go through discrimination.

      Then I met my husband here. He is Indian too, but very fair complexioned for an Indian. I love him and enjoy being with him. Him being fair and giving my children a chance to have lighter complexion than me had a role to play in my decision to marry him. By the way,in our wedding people were shocked that he being so fair was marrying a girl who was solid brown as it is always the other way around.

      My heart breaks and my eyes tear up as I type this.

      1. Sending you hugs, because reading your post made me tear up as well. I am half Indian, but I look white (most people think I am Italian or maybe Hispanic when I’ve gotten some sun), and when I am at Indian gatherings people coo about how pretty I am (but the thing is, I’m probably slightly more attractive than average, not super pretty… so what they’re referring to is my skin color). My stepmother, who is Indian, is the darkest in her family and has always gotten comments about it. It’s so sad and I don’t know what the solution is.

        1. I don’t know what the solution is either, but one thing that’s made me feel much more comfortable with these things (and in general) is being respectfully outspoken about my views on things. I’m half Indian and half black, but was really only raised by the Indian side. I pretty much just shut down conversations I really don’t appreciate and more or less say what I think about things. I’m probably a lot more able to do this than most people though, as the Indian parent is just about the least traditional and most open minded person I know, so me flouting tradition might be a little unnerving to some but isn’t totally shocking. It’s amazing how much better I feel after being heard, and I really encourage people to speak up as much as they’re comfortable/ as circumstances allow.

          1. Can I ask how you were treated within the Indian community, being half black? Do you look more like one race or the other? I find there to be a lot of prejudice against black folks in our community so I’d love your thoughts on this.

          2. I definitely pass as Indian. My black features are more subtle, and I’m not that dark. I’m very obviously not white, but it’s not always obvious to people what kind of not white I am. I definitely pass for Indian, which means I’ve heard many things about how “black women (and men, I suppose, but who really talks about male attractiveness?) will just never be beautiful.” And it enrages me. My grandfather whom I love dearly thought that about my mom, incidentally. I personally have not experienced or seen straight up prejudice, but I have seen a lot of “well that isn’t what our community values” kinds of sentiment. I think just about all of it is “prejudice,” but what I have seen is prejudice stemming from ignorance and parochialism rather than the assumption that the “other” is somehow deficient (like black people are lazy, not smart, etc) I also think the Indian people I know area lot less “traditional” in their outlook than a lot of other Indian people I know, so YMMV.

            I’m sort of ambivalent about hanging out with the Indian community. We share one set of values (the more achievement and professionally oriented ones), but not social values, so it really depends on the particular person I’m interacting with and what we’re talking about. I’ve always felt like they viewed me as “not Indian enough,” which I guess is true, but my sources tell me that’s not true at all. It’s also possible that I just don’t feel like I fit, and that’s why I think that.

      2. This is sad because of the feelings you had and suppressed for your darker-skinned friend, but honestly… I am white and have a white husband and I absolutely admit that I took physical (and mental, for that matter) characteristics that would be passed on to our future potential children into account when evaluating him as mate. This is basic biology with the human emotion stripped out of it: you want your offspring to have the traits that are likely to confer success in your environment, so you pick a mate that exhibits those traits. We can attach all kinds of value judgement to societal standards of beauty, but adjusting your actions to benefit your offspring is a fundamentally natural thing to do. Not very romantic, but it is what it is.

        2. I never considered this, though my mother did make a few comments about how good it was that my husband is very tall (almost everyone in our family is 5′ or less) because then our kids would be taller. My dad is tall, too, and at 5’5″ my sister is the tallest woman in our family… apparently this was a factor my mom considered when she married him. It seemed weird to me (maybe because we never planned on having kids).

      3. I’m Indian and your post made me sad and angry. I hate with a passion some Indian people’s attitude that lighter skin is better. I grew up in the US, so I didn’t really have to deal with that attitude. Lets hope the next generation gets away from this stupid fixation on lighter skin color.

      4. I’m Indian. This post makes me tear up as well. I totally understand but it’s so so sad.

      1. I do not mean to be accusatory at all, and in the interest of not sounding that way I’ll make this about myself…

        I don’t consider myself racist. I identify as a far left liberal, I think I am a very open-minded person, and I have lived in relatively diverse places (though not truly diverse).

        I am white. And in my personal experience, I am primarily attracted to White or Non-White Hispanic men. We can be enraged and frustrated by these kinds of statistics, but I think we should also acknowledge our own part in them. When I was on dating sites I was less likely to contact Black or Asian men. I wish that wasn’t the case. And I believe that if I had met a Black or Asian man that I was compatible with I would have been open to pursuing a relationship with him. But ultimately, when it was up to me to self select from the dating pool, I tended to select White or Non-White Hispanic men.

        That makes me (and my white friends who self-selected to date almost exclusively white men) just as much a part of these statistics and the resulting issue as the men who don’t contact Black women on these sites.

        (And I apologize in advance for any insensitive language or not-well-put thoughts. I’m still learning to speak inclusively and fairly about these issues.)

        1. D*mn. I realized I used the wrong terms… Non-Hispanic White and Hispanic is what I meant. Still learning.

          1. Yes. So the idea that lighter-skinned people are more attractive is deeply ingrained in all parts of society, going beyond a desire to only date your ‘own kind’.

            My fiancé is not white and I have several friends in mixed-race relationships. So I like to think I’m not part of the problem. Although, perhaps my fiancé is …!

        3. So, I’m a woman of color. I find dark skin beautiful, deep brown eyes, and other traits that are not commonly found among white men. I also find a wide range of people attractive, and I did marry a white man. However, when it comes up in casual conversation, people don’t seem to like that I’m particularly attracted to nonwhite features. It’s like, it’s okay to say “I just don’t really find black girls attractive,” but I’ve known more than a few white people to be upset by “on average I tend to find {insert some non-white group or characteristic} here more attractive.” Weird. And annoying. I generally just avoid such conversations now, not that I ever raised the subject myself. Is it really so hard for my white friends to accept that not everyone finds their features the epitome of beautiful? Ugh.

          1. Thank you for posting this. I’m a woman of color and much prefer darker skinned men, generally those much darker than me (and think women of color are much more beautiful than white women). When people say Nicole Kidman or Christie Brinkley is beautiful I just don’t get it. Give me Halle Berry or Beyonce or Salma Hayek any day. I don’t know if this is me rebelling against the norms of society or because I was raised among few very white people, or what.

          2. Ha, and I’m a white woman with a very dark-skinned black boyfriend who I find unstoppably sexy. He’s mentioned a couple of times how he’s the darkest in his family and I swear to god I never noticed the degree of difference.

          3. Yeah, I really do mean it when I say that I find a whole range of people very beautiful. What gets me is the default assumption that white MUST be beautiful, or at least systematically more beautiful than anything else. What?

            One friend (who’s black) commented that she has to be all done up wearing nice clothes and all that to be noticed by white guys, whereas white women can be hot just having rolled out of bed. So, like most other things in life, the standard is higher for us. You have to be 2x as good to be seen as equal, something like that.

          4. anon 2:18 – re: roll out of bed comment. it works in the reverse too. I went to the grocery store with my hair a mess and no makeup on and a black guy told me that I was beautiful. gotta love the love!

        4. Just because you don’t consider yourself racist (or because you’re liberal) doesn’t mean that you aren’t at least somewhat racist. I’m not saying that in a mean way, but we all have inherent biases. And it’s entirely possible that you physical preferences stem from conscious or unconscious bias. The first step to being an active anti-racist is admitting that you may, in fact, be racist.

          1. The Implicit Bias tests are an amazing tool for (privately) showing yourself your biases. I found it to be really depressing, because even though I went into it expecting to see that I harbor racist and sexist associations, it was stronger than I’d expected. I’m a white woman who’s been actively involved in mentoring other women in male-dominated fields, and so I thought at least I’d be ok on the gender bias section. Yeah, not so much. We internalize a lot of stuff that never rises to the level of conscious thought.

    13. So I’m glad that I am semi-anon for this, but I am SO relieved I am not white. I am quite conventionally pretty and if I were white I think I would be taken less seriously as a result. But because I am Desi I get to be pretty and smart. (And people expect me to be smart).

      1. + 1. I agree 100%. I used to be just the “smart one” as a kid but then as I grew up and grew less awkward, now I’m pretty and smart.

    14. Indian here. I’ve never lived in a white dominated country so I never felt unattractive. I live in Southeast Asia now where we are not considered attractive but I still don’t care!

  2. I need a dress for my brother-in-law’s summer wedding (evening, waterfront New England, bridesmaids in light pink). I found this dress that I like (http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-belted-print-chiffon-maxi-dress-regular-petite/3643201), but they are sold out in my size (0p or 2P). So far, I haven’t been able to locate another source (new or used) in my size. Anyone with a higher google-fu ranking want to take up the challenge? As an alternative, what are some sites beyond ebay for gently used dresses?

    Otherwise, what should I wear instead??

    2. Nordstrom seems to have at least 5 other Eliza J dresses in the same cut that are just slightly different colors or patterns – why not just go with one of those? Amazon also has a ton of Eliza J (just not in the specific pattern you’re looking for).

      Also, the reason you’re having a hard time finding that specific dress is because it looks like Eliza J doesn’t make that pattern anymore. ThredUp or RenttheRunway are going to be your best bet to find it.

    3. Also, here are a bunch of possibilities from Rent the Runway (some I picked because they seemed, to me, to match the vibe of the dress you linked to, others I picked just because I think they’re cool and would work for the event you’re describing):

      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/badgley_mischka/utopia_maxi
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/pamella_by_pamella_roland/dahlia_watercolor_gown
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/badgley_mischka/water_lilies_maxi_dress
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/jill_jill_stuart/color_code_gown
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/badgley_mischka/sea_waves_gown
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/badgley_mischka/twirling_butterfly_maxi
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/badgley_mischka/soft_petal_maxi
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/cynthia_rowley/pastel_petal_branch_gown
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/theia/hibiscus_floral_gown
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/shoshanna/midnight_kaira_gown
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/nha_khanh/cindy_cascade_gown
      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/parker/lavender_floral_marceline_maxi

      1. I go to a lot of summer weddings on the beach in the New England area… Unless it’s a black tie wedding, I’d probably wear a knee-length sheath dress. If you really want to wear a full-length dress, choose one of the more casual ones…

      2. Thanks for the suggestions! I’m pretty picky on colors/patterns so none of the other Eliza J patterns really did it for me, but many of the RTR options are gorgeous. I’ll have to stalk the internet for a used one or see if I can make RTR work (unlikely given various travel parameters).

        1. With RTR, don’t forget that you don’t have to mail the return package from you shipping location – I’ve returned RTR dresses while still at the destination of the wedding I went to by just dropping the return package with the hotel front desk the morning after the wedding. They also offer 8-day rentals – between 8-day rentals and the mail return option, RTR timing shouldn’t be too much of an issue (since I can’t imagine you’re leaving for the wedding more than 8 days before it).

        2. Recently had to find a dress suitable for a wedding guest. Tried Nordstrom ( store) and online: Nordstrom, Lord and Taylor, Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Ave. Saks had the best selection by far..

    5. No advice on where to buy, besides checking your local Nordstrom – but I tried several of these on last night and they are to. die. for. So funny to see it brought up today.

    6. Also, are you sure you need the 2p? the difference in length is only .5″ and my friend tried on both the regular and petite and didn’t find a huge difference in cut.

    7. Seriously call Nordstrom. I once wanted a cape that had sold out everywhere in my size and the associate on the phone stalked one down for me (it was seriously the last one in the US) and had that store ship it directly to me. Best customer service in the world.

  3. I love this top! I am desperate to find white blouses that aren’t sheer but are similar in style to this. Anyone have suggestions? Under $100.

  4. Anyone have an idea for a fun gift to give to a friend specifically for her to enjoy while on her honeymoon in Tahiti? Needs to be something I can pick up at a brick and mortor store tonight. Other friend has suggested beachwear or vacation clothes, I’m looking to see if there are other ideas since I’m not confident I know the giftees style well enough to pick something she’d live .

    1. Beautiful sarongs, a nice straw hat or luxury beachwear. One thing that I really appreciated was a external battery pack. The flight to Tahiti is LONG.

      1. A good external battery pack is a good travel gift! We just got one for our trip to Guatemala and it was a lifesaver, and even now at home I’m keeping it in my car and have already used it in the few weeks since we’ve gotten back. I’d do that with a new book in a cute tote.

        1. +1000 I spent about $40 for a decent one at Target that can do 6 charges, but fits easily in my purse. Took it on a white water camping trip and several vacations, it’s a champ

      1. I bought this set for myself before our honeymoon in Bora Bora and it was a lifesaver. +1 to this comment!

    3. I’m thinking a nice water bottle, for the flight and the heat and the boats… something super-insulated.

  5. For those of you in a long relationship, do you worry about running out of new stuff to keep your lady garden parties exciting? My DH and I have been together for 15 years (married for 7), he was my high school bf and my first/only, so while I have years of experience in this area I don’t have a variety. Since I switched birth control l last year, our garden parties have been better than ever, and have been experimenting with different things. Sometimes I worry that the reason I find the new stuff so exciting is because it is new, and that the novelty will wear off and then it won’t be as intense/enjoyable. Like we just tried something new this weekend, and now I want it every single time, but am worried that overdoing it will take away from it so maybe we should just “save” it. Do you just keep coming up with stuff? I don’t want to be forty and bored!

    1. I have very, very adventurous garden parties. Once you cross the line, it’s hard to garden any other way. But there’s always something new to try. My only advice…throw in some vanilla garden parties every once to keep it real. Have fun!

      1. I think I’m falling down the hole into very adventurous garden parties…glad to hear that there’s always something new. I probably don’t even want to know what they are right now, because they’ll scare/turn me off. :)

      1. TBH I’m not a lady garden parties euphemism, but it’s what it’s referred to around here and considering it seems like it’s pretty easy to go into moderation when talking about “racy” topics, I figured I’d just go with it.

        1. **I’m not into the lady garden parties euphemism. Although I’m not one, as well.

    3. Keep exploring! Let yourself fall down the rabbit hole. Whatever new stuff your doing now can lead to more exciting options. Take the time to read gardening positive advice columns, browse feminist gardening shops online inventory, look around for more ideas! Try slight variations on this new things you’re doing, take it up a notch, etc.

      1. Thanks! I used to read Savage Love but his column doesn’t come through on my reader anymore for some reason…any advice for gardening positive advice columns besides his?

    4. My husband and I are similar. But we just keep experimenting with new things, then go back to old things that seem exciting again because we haven’t done it that way in a while. We talk about what we want to try next and just try to keep it from getting boring.

    5. So…um…can you adventurous ladies give me some examples of these new things you’re trying and loving? Pretty please?

      2. Mostly toys. Look at them together. My partner is much more experienced than I am at this sort of thing, so he can usually tell me what will work and what won’t. I’ve bought some fun things on my own that work for both of us. Read reviews.

        Also, don’t get stuck in a position or location rut. My issue with location is being comfortable, but lots of different positions.

      3. LOL even with internet anonymity I’m still having trouble writing this out. So more euphemisms! Our new things is a little bit of back door play and the thing this weekend was some breath play (very very slight choking), which resulting in an the most amazing “flower”. Both are things that I wouldn’t have thought that I would be into, but find myself craving now.

        1. +1. My partner recently included the back 40 (what a terrible euphemism!) when performing ()ral and it was amazing. A light choke and stroke is also amazing when done right.

          1. Thank you for replying! While I know logically that it’s normal/good to have kinks, it’s nice to have reassurance that it’s not crazy. I have close friends IRL, but we’re built of midwestern puritanical stock and don’t get nearly this in detail.

            Also, interesting idea re back 40 and ()ral…will have to consider. That whole area is still unplowed territory.

          2. Fresh out the shower, tongue in the back area (not actually INSIDE, for me). There are definitely certain friends who I’d discuss this kind of thing with and those who I wouldn’t.

    6. As someone else who married her HS sweetheart, this makes me happy!!

      But our LGPs are super boring. :|

      1. Don’t give up hope! So we’ve always had consistent LGP (3-6 times/week) but for years I was more ambivilant about them and found them not too exciting most of the time. I enjoyed them, but was doing it more to be close to my partner than achieving mind-blowing flowers. But after I switched birth controls last year, my gardening motivation has went WAAAAY up. I totally think that the hormonal birth control suppressed my gardening motivation, but that’s just my body.

    7. Sometimes it’s adventurous if you’re petrified the school-age child will barge in on you.

  6. Due to the lack of a constant gardener, I’m thinking of using temporary gardeners. Any tips?

    2. Focus on your pleasure as much as (or more than!) his, don’t be afraid to speak up about what you like/don’t like and always use protection. Keep a sense of humor, bc first time gardening can have awkward/funny moments and it’s better to laugh about it. Are you considering one time gardening or no strings gardening?

      1. oh yea – it is NOT all about them in the casual case. quid pro quo (if you like what is happening). don’t agree to do stuff you’re not that into and I mean this not in being coerced sense, but if I’m with a longtime partner I’m more inclined to do stuff that I’m meh about but he really likes. With a temporary partner I don’t bother with that. I also think ONS rarely yield great gardening because there’s no time for people to get to each what the other person is into – a temporary partner for some short period of time has yielded the best results for me.

    3. ….I started typing out advice about hiring consultant landscapers then realized that is not what you really meant.

      I am ashamed.

      2. LOL! I started posting about finding a guy on Craigslist when my lawnmower was in the shop and then I realized wow … that could work under the literal and figurative meaning of this post. I was talking about real yard work like KT. Luckily, I caught it before I hit submit.

        1. “My lawnmower was in the shop…”

          Heh.

          I’m a sixth-grader this morning.

    4. Say all the sh*t you don’t when you are trying to be the perfect relationship person? Idk but I am in the same place. Started texting exes today. Putting out the feelers. Sigh.

  7. I go back and forth on this. If someone tells you they’re offend by something you said (that was not blantly offensive, so not racist/sexist/etc.), is it better to issue some form of non-apology (i.e. “I’m sorry you were offended”) or let it go.

    2. Can you give an example? I usually do what I think will preserve or engender positive feelings in the relationship if it’s not a close personal friend. If it’s someone I care a lot about of am close to then I try to understand why I feel that way and I do apologize that I hurt their feelings, even if I think it’s silly.

      2. Not the OP but I have an example. I left a light on in the car and let the car battery die. My husband took it as a sign that I didn’t pay attention to him because he has reminded me to turn it off in the past (one of our stranger fights, in retrospect really precipitated by work stress and not proximate events). I did apologize for leaving the light on, and for hurting his feelings. But I really didn’t feel right apologizing for ignoring him because I didn’t think it was true. Still not exactly sure how I should have handled it.

    3. I think nonapologies are almost always the wrong way to go. If someone is already hurt or offended, blaming them for being hurt or offended is just going to fan the flames. If it’s a relationship I care about, I will try to understand their point of view and say that I’m sorry I hurt their feelings or I’m sorry I didn’t think of the issue from their perspective or something like that.

    4. It depends. Microaggressions are a thing and I would usually apologize just in case I’ve inadvertently offended someone, but there are some things that I very much will NOT apologize for. This has come up for me in the context of talking about female biology and health – a lot of people find the word “female” offensive now and/or think it means whatever the speaker wants it to mean, which I vehemently disagree with and will not apologize for.

    5. I think it completely depends on what that person is offended by. Sometimes I will issue a real apology (not a non-apology…those are the worst) if I do feel remorse that I’ve offended someone. But, being offended doesn’t ipso facto entitle someone to an apology.

      1. This. If someone is offended because I have worn a black sweater and they find the color black offensive, I sure as $hit am not apologizing. I realize that is a slightly absurd example, but people are offended by all sorts of things that I am not willing to apologize for. I am not willing to apologize for sticking up for myself even if it offends someone. I am not willing to apologize for doing the right thing even if it offends someone. I am not willing to apologize for sticking up for someone who is unable to do so even if it offends someone.

        You get the idea.

    6. I’m not sure where the line is drawn on the non-apology but I would probably say “oh, I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sorry that I did.”

      Sorry you were offended is passive and ignores the fact that you did the offending. I didn’t mean to offend you does soften the apology but at the same time makes clear that you didn’t realize what you said was offensive to the listener even if it is not objectively offensive.

      I’m guessing if you knew something would offend someone, no matter how silly the issue, you’d refrain from saying or doing the subjectively offensive thing around them.

      Weird example from my life: I have a friend that strongly dislikes watching people eat phallic shaped food. I know that’s a “her issue” and not a “me issue” but I still try to avoid ordering hot dogs around her and if I eat a banana or sausage around her, I cut it. If I forget, I’d probably say “oh, sorry, I forgot you find this gross” and change how I was eating it

      1. You are a better friend than I. I had a friend who strongly disliked when people ate meat off of a bone. She wasn’t a vegetarian/vegan, she just thought eating ribs or chicken wings made people look like cavemen. I never went out of my way to make her uncomfortable, but I also never changed my behavior to accommodate her pet peeve. On the other hand, I consider the dietary restrictions of my vegetarian friends when picking restaurants and planning menus, and might be more likely to order a non-meat item when out with them.

    7. I’m hearing that Beyoncé song Sorry (I’m not sorry) in my head so hard right now.

      The truth is, sometimes you can’t win with someone who is determined to be offended. I’m afraid we’re becoming an easily offended culture, with everyone being a special snowflake requiring trigger warnings and safe spaces.

      I ran into this at work recently. I didn’t know I had offended someone & had to figure it out from body language and snippy responses over the next week or so. I honestly didn’t know what happened so I had to ask her directly. The story that came out of her was so completely ridiculous that it was hard not to laugh. All I could say was that she had taken my words completely the wrong way, that I was sorry I hadn’t made myself clearer and that I had the utmost respect for her as a professional.

      Though to be honest, after this encounter, the last part is not really true.

  8. I posted this yesterday but hoping for more replies (thanks to those who did respond!!). I’m tired of doing laundry in our laundry room and considering buying a portable washer and dryer for our place. The capacity will be much smaller since it’s a portable one but it will still allow me to do a small load. Does anyone have one of these, do you like it, and do you have a specific model to recommend?

    I’m also considering a laundry service to wash all of our clothes. Does anyone do this? We probably do about 5 loads a week (I have a small child). How pricey would it be?

    1. The Sweethome doesn’t have a portable washer/dryer recommendation, but there are review on Amazon. They do have a portable dishwasher option that is very positive, so I would think a washer would be the same.

      Sending out your laundry is common in NYC. Places usually charge by the pound.

    2. I used to send my laundry out. I used a cheap service so your experience might be different if you chose one based on quality, not based on price/convenience. In my experience if you are picky about your laundry at all, a laundry service is not for you. Everything is getting washed together and everything is going in the dryer. Things get lost. You wind up with other people’s lost things. They’re not using fancy detergent. If you’re low maintenance enough about your laundry it’s a godsend, otherwise it’s just going to be another thing that annoys you.

    3. A lot of buildinsg dont allow in-house washers if you do not have the proper plumbing. It is a huge liability.

    4. At an apartment years and years ago, I had a small washer that I connected to my sink. It was fine to use. I was happy to have a real washer when the time came, but the little one did the job. I remember it being loud.

      During busy times at work, I’ve also sent my laundry out and honestly, it is the most luxurious, wonderful thing ever. They charge by the pound, so I would do one wash of my own towels/denim, but getting it washed and folded is actually way cheaper than I expected, and ultimately, you may end up saving money sending it out over buying your own small personal washer depending on how long you plan on using it.

    5. It probably depends on where you live. When I first moved to SF there was no laundry in the building so I sent mine out through my dry cleaner for by-the-pound washing. It was only slightly more than a laundromat and much easier (they delivered). If I didn’t have easy laundry, I’d absolutely send it out again. The one thing that made life easier was having a lot of underwear, towels and sheets since I had less control over doing laundry and I’d get busy. I think this concept is popular in big cities, but don’t know about elsewhere. I’d assume there’s got to be a version of it, but might be more expensive.

  9. Ugh, work. I am very much a try-it-and-see personality. So is my boss. We both tend not to analyze too much and just start trying out ideas to see what works.

    I have been assigned to a special project team staffed by people who take the totally opposite approach. They think, discuss, analyze, and think some more before doing anything. It is driving me nuts. We work in corporate training. Nobody is going to die if we try something that doesn’t work.

    I’m stuck on this team for six more months. My boss can’t do much about that. What can I do here? Could you ladies either commiserate or convince me to see the value of a more considered approach?

    1. I don’t really have direct experience managing a team like this, but I’m part of a board that has the agonizingly slow considered approach. I’m in a fast moving business in my career, so it drives me nuts sometimes to have things drag out for months. It helps me to figure out what the motivation of those promoting the considered approach. Are they afraid of blow back? Do they know people are invested in one outcome? Past experience? etc….sometimes knowing the motivation helps me to address the problem and kick things along, sometimes it just allows me to know why the heck they’re taking so long to get on board.

      1. This is good advice. I am not sure of their motivation, but I think it’s mostly uncertainty avoidance. Whereas I’m motivated by time-waste avoidance. But yes, you’re right, I should take some time to understand their motivations.

    2. FWIW, I think the best situation is the one you have – a group of blended personality types. Consider, too, that your approach most likely drives them nuts as well (I’m an analyst, and I tend to view “try and see” as “too lazy to apply any thought or rationality before rushing into disaster”). A team entire of these planners will stagnate, and NEEDS people like you and your boss that will move it into action; a team of “try it out” types needs some more analytical types to temper the crazy at times. So I say, congratulations on having a team that incorporates many styles. :)

      1. This is, like, the perfect reality check. Thank you.

        New thought! I wonder if my boss intentionally assembled this particular team so our styles would (productively) clash. I bet he did. I’ll ask.

    3. What’s wrong with their approach? It just takes too long? I am same as you. Some of my staff is like that and I let them spend the time and then mostly agree with whatever solution or angle they want to try. But I also enforce the time aspect. You need to spend less time “think, discuss, analyze, and think some more before doing anything” and more time picking one and moving on. For my position, I had a quadruple proofreader. I had to eventually say do it once and maybe have another person do it but move on! Not sure if this helps but good luck!

      1. Yeah, it takes soooo long. And some of the information we need for really insightful analysis can only come through iterating and testing.

        I think I will try reframing feedback on imperfect trial programs as data that’s necessary for good analysis. I bet that will work.

  10. Mama/baby gift ideas?

    I’m going to NYC soon and while I’m there I’ll visit my cousin who had a baby about a month ago. I understand she lives in a 4th floor walk-up. She and I aren’t close, but cordial.

    1. Can you find out if she has a registry? Everyone I know who had babies wanted practical stuff, not cute stuff like clothes.

      1. I liked getting clothes! (still do for my 17 month old!). But practical clothes that are easy to take on and off for diaper changes, like onesies for a newborn. And make sure they fit and work with the seasons. My mom bought my son a bunch of really cute clothes 1 size up, but they are winter clothes and it will be summer when he fits in them. The registry idea is a good one because there might be something that she didn’t get but still wants, and if space is an issue like I know it can be in NYC, she’d appreciate getting something she really wants.

    2. I love giving classic children’s books as baby gifts. If she had a shower she probably already has lots of supplies/clothing/blankets.

    3. Spinning off of Zelda and Anonymous above, for recipients like this, I like to give a more long term gift. That way you’re more likely to be ahead of any other gift givers. You’re not close enough to your cousin to know what she already has And registries are likely to be picked over. I’d suggest:
      (1) Pajamas in 2T. Pajamas are so practical, there’s really no way you can’t win with this. Kohls is a great pajama source, and Star Wars pajamas shouldn’t go out style. Anything Disney is also safe. And you certainly aren’t limited to just that.
      (2) a seasonally appropriate nice outfit in 12 months to 2T. For example, a friend with a similar relationship bought a nice outfit from Zara–jeans with suspenders and a nice shirt. I loved it. I’d limit it to 2T because some kids start having STRONG opinions after that and the outfit may go unworn despite how much your cousin may love it (ask me how I know).
      (3) books for 2-4 year olds. There are many book suggestions in older posts, so search those. But off the top of my head, Iggy Peck Architect and Rosie Revere Engineer are two favorites to pass along. Oh, and Princess Sparkleheart gets a Makeover and Everybody Sleeps (But Not Fred).

      1. Hm, I would actually say that 90% of the parents I know would strongly prefer not to get Disney pajamas (or Disney anything). I think the licensed-characters thing varies a ton by social circle. I would go for cute but not overtly branded unless you know that your cousin is into that kind of thing.

        Also, for someone living in a small NYC apartment, I’m not sure it’s actually a good idea to buy larger sizes. She’s going to have to store that somewhere for the next two years…so, again, unless you know that she has storage in her building, I’d go with something practical but immediately useful. Books are good, and yes, google around to see if she has a registry anywhere.

        1. Fair points, but FWIW, I received these gifts while living in a small Chicago apartment that had no storage outside the unit. I was not over burdened and was relieved to have them.

    4. I’d bring food, if logistically possible, or a card with gift cards for meal delivery services or good restaurants. If you’re going to her apartment, I’d tell her explicitly beforehand not to do any tidying up and that you will be diving into whatever chores she needs done – washing dishes, laundry, changing bed sheets, etc. Even if you’re not super close, it’s worth at the very least offering to help with those things. I still remember a college friend visiting when I was a new mom and she brought me lunch and then washed a bunch of bottles and wiped down all my counters. She was my hero.

      2. +1 to food. If possible, something that can be individually portioned before putting into the fridge/freezer/pantry. Or just lunch for that day.

        Also, depending on your closeness or family dynamics you could also ask her if there is anything else she wants you to do related to it being a walk-up, like pick up a large case of diapers or take items she got as duplicates off her registry to the post office. For instance in family dynamics, one of our family members is known for sending ugly, scratchy baby blankets, so my cousin suggested we take a picture of baby with it, send the picture to my aunt and then she would go donate it to Goodwill. It was the kind of thing only someone in my family would know or could do without offending, but it really helped me deal with the “what am I going to do with this thing without offending great aunt Gertrude?”

    5. Even a month in, I would have appreciated a meal that I didn’t have to prepare myself.

      Baby books are always a good idea (there was a recent thread on the moms s*te about books, which might be helpful. My daughter’s current faves are the Pout Pout Fish, Giraffes Can’t Dance, and the Numbers, Colors and Shapes book). Since you’re going to be in NYC, check out Books of Wonder on 18th st. Such an awesome kids book store.

      Another idea is something a little splurge-y that she might not buy herself, like a nice outfit or fancy toy. There are some fancy baby stores, like Egg Baby, Jacardi, Bonpoint, and Sweet William (to name a few). The caveat, of course, is that she might only use a fancy outfit once. But my sister loves to send cute dresses for my daughter, and I loved to put her in them, even when she was really little.

      Something else to consider is a gift card to Honest Company with maybe a bath kit that you pick up at Buy Buy Baby. They have adorable diaper prints, she will always need diapers, and even if the diapers don’t work for her, she can use the gift card for more bath supplies.

    6. Cook her a meal, and maybe get her a gift card to bite squad/seamless/grocery store delivery or something. Lately I’ve been making Smitten Kitchen’s baked ziti for new moms in my circle; I double the recipe and bring it in two disposable two pans – one for now, and one to freeze (if she has a freezer).

  11. I have to mail order a lot of my work clothes. Also, I am pear shaped (thighs / hips are +1 to top size). I ordered a dress that is lovely and slightly A-line (which I am usually not a fan of, as it seems to magnify my pear shape, but was willing to try). It bunches across the back (like if I pull down on the skirt, it smooths out, but then rides up and bunches again; the front is fine; oddly, my husband noticed this whereas I was all “it fits from the front”). Is this the sort of thing that means that the dress is overall too small and it walks up to find a smaller place than my hips? So just try a larger size and maybe this fixes the problem (I am used to ordering for the hips and having a tailor take outfits in above the waist)?

    My favorite sheath dress, which fit off of the hanger, is pilling/fuzzing and I need a replacement.

    1. Sounds like your booty is pulling it up in the back (I have the same problem in some dresses). Sizing up should work if you’re willing to tailor it. I find Calvin Klein dresses (macys or tjm/marshalls) fit my pear shape really well.

      1. +1 to calvin klein dresses (usually purchased at marshalls) and tailoring. My work wardrobe became much easier/more comfortable when I realized it was worth it to pay the tailor to take in the top instead of squeezing in to spanx to make the bottom fit.

        1. I am laughing at this today because I finally made a dress fit by wearing spanx today. But really I just need to get some stuff tailored.

      2. I’m stupidly pear shaped (top 2-3 sizes smaller than bottom) and have a very high waist (about an inch from my bra). Can tailors both take in the top and shorten the waist? Would that look moderately ok/proportional? Would it make the dress too short? Incoming summer associate and new to professional dress codes.

        1. I’ve never tried it, but probably. I’d just find a good tailor and ask. My strategy on determining if a tailor is good (after getting recommendations) is to take them something cheap to tailor and judge from there before handing over anything pricey. Also, if you have a high waist, try dresses from Boden–their waists always seem to be high on me. Their sheath dresses aren’t great on the bottom for pears, but they’ve got some nice a-lines.

  12. I need some new black flats. My job has me walking all over the city to meet clients, tour property, etc. I have a wide-ish foot but wide sizes are always too big, though. What’s your go-t0, most comfortable black flat? Tory Burch Caroline and Reva are everywhere… is that top notch, or do you have something else that you love? TIA!

    1. I just bought some Sam Edelman black leather ballet flats, and they’re the most comfortable flats that I’ve found. I don’t like the huge Tory Burch logos, so I’ve never worn the Revas.

      A lot of the female execs in my company wear Tieks and love them. I just can’t pull the trigger on that price yet.

      1. Also, I have a wide-ish foot as well at the ball of my foot, because my arch is crazy high…if that makes sense…

        1. I have this same foot! And I really like my AGL flats, purchased due to this board. I also really like almond toe flats.

      2. I bought a pair of pointy toe Sam Edelman flats at DSW and they are soooo comfortable. I need more support recovering from knee surgery and they’ve been my go to flats. Lots of interior padding.

      3. Your feet sound like mine, and Tieks don’t work for me. They are definitely not for people with wide feet and big arches.

    2. Vionics. Dansko also used to make a ballet flat, but that may have been discontinued

    3. AGL flats are incredibly comfortable, they sell them at Nordstrom. They are very pricey but great. They usually stock them in black.

      1. I have a AGL low heel shoe (1 1/2 inches) and its very comfortable. Can do lots of walking. Worth the price!

    4. Frye. I don’t think they make the exact version I have anymore, but they usually have at least one ballet flat that looks work appropriate and is comfortable. I also find Sam Edelman shoes to generally be pretty comfortable.

    5. Should have mentioned they need to be stylish/current, and not just a comfort play. I wear black (solids and patterns) sheaths and coordinating jackets 99% of the time and am often with noticeably well-dressed men (finance/i-banking job). Thanks for the feedback so far!

      1. The Tory Burch Reva bit into my ankles and were really uncomfortable for me. I find Cole Haan flats to be great for their price point. I haven’t tried AGL flats yet.

    6. Ok, sort of along these lines, what are the best shape pants to wear with flats for work? I always feel a bit frumpy when I wear flats to work, but I really don’t enjoy heels so I don’t wear them everyday.

      1. To me it depends if they are rounded toe, which I don’t typically prefer, or pointy/almond toed. I like a pointy/almond toed with a traditional trouser but will wear rounded (or pointy) with a trimmer cut like an ankle pant.

    7. I have a pair of Carolines and a pair of Revas, and I cannot recommend either of them for the amount of walking you have described. I so want to love them, but they do not hold up well at all. My Carolines are patent (or they appear shiny), and the shiny material is flaking off of any part of the shoe that touches the ground (after about twenty wears). The toes of the Revas become noticeably scuffed anytime they touch the ground, too. For the money, I just cannot justfiy another pair of Tory Burch flats, and I won’t ever buy them again.

      I do have a TB wedge that is constructed much better, and while it’s pretty comfortable and has held up much better, it’s not comfortable enough for the amount of walking you are doing.

      1. Seconding all of this. I have TB flats and they are fine, but they are not comfortable for extended walking and they do not hold up at all. As DD said though, I love the heels and wedges. They are better constructed. Probably still not a solution to your walking issue, but I do still buy TB heels, just not flats.

    8. The Revas have like zero arch support so I would not wear them if you’re actually walking a lot.

    9. My feet are wide in the front and narrow in the back so I tend to walk out of most flats. I have had luck recently with Fit Flop low wedges. They’re shaped like ballet flats. The elastic at the sides helps keep them on my feet and the fit flop footbed is good for your foot. I find them very comfortable.

  13. Tactical/networking question:

    I randomly met a GC of a large Fortune 10o company while traveling about 3 years ago. We had a great 4 hour conversation, he seemed interested in me and my career progression and at the end of the conversation, he said “Keep in touch” and “maybe we can get together for lunch if you are ever in my city”. I kept in touch by occasional email but I knew I would never casually be in his city so after 5 or 6 months I thought I would try to set up an intentional lunch. After many attempts during which he sounded impatient and cancelled appointments( him), I started to feel like he was blowing me off so I backed off of the contact. A few months later, after I tried again, we did manage to have lunch. At that point, I felt he was meeting with me out of some sense of obligation (he was polite but sort of treating me as if I was a nuisance) and was not interested in maintaining the contact so after the lunch, I emailed him one to thank him and have not contacted him since the lunch ( for about 1.5 years).

    I recently saw a job posting for a position in his organization. I think I am suited for it but probably possess only 85% of the experience they are requesting. I could easily learn the rest. I am going to apply for the position. Should I also reach out to the GC and let him know I applied? Or should I just take my chances through the regular application process? I am not seeking any special favors but wonder if I have a way to distinguish myself from the masses of applicants, perhaps I should leverage it?

    2. Apply through the usual channels and then reach out with ONE simple email along the lines of — I came across an opportunity in your GC’s office recently. I have submitted my application and feel that I am strongly qualified in x, y, z areas. I would appreciate the opportunity of discussing this role further with you and your staff.

      And then to that email attach your cover letter + resume. Chances are he reads those attachments, pays little attention to your email, and then either responds to you or forwards it to whoever is coordinating hiring (may or may not be him directly if he’s too busy) — and tells them to schedule an interview with you (or not).

      I’d reach out simply bc half the battle for in house gigs is getting your resume read by a human; too often it goes to HR and you don’t know if anyone sees it or not. Worst case scenario — he is annoyed and declines for that reason. So what do you lose? Chances are if you don’t reach out you’ll be declined anyway simply bc not every resume for every in house gig is read; often when positions are posted they have a certain person or certain type of resume in mind and lots of other good applicants get no attention etc.

      1. I agree with this advice. My experience has been that most application systems are just black holes. No matter how qualified you are, your resume is unlikely to survive through the HR screening and actually make it to the right person’s desk. Unless you’re proactive and try to get it there yourself by using your connections wisely.

  14. Name one thing you are grateful for today!

    Mine is my amazing latte, every sip is bringing me so much joy, yum.

    1. We had a big storm blow through last night and the tree in our front yard snapped in half. I’m grateful the half that is closer to the street fell off, not the half that would hit my house/flower beds.

        1. Yes! I agree. Many of our neighbors lost their fences when their trees took them out. Bradford Pears, man. They’re the worst (but so pretty!).

    2. That I don’t have anything on my calendar today! It’s been a rocky few days and I need to be able to stare off into space throughout the day as needed.

    3. I convinced my boss to let me move to a desk with a lot more privacy. I definitely need it for work reasons, but I also prefer that people won’t be able to walk by and see me online!

    4. That I am able to have and support my herd of animals that bring me joy every day – my tiny senior rescue dog, my two personal kitties and my two foster kitties, my horse, and even my fish who has to live in the microwave so the cats don’t eat him.

      1. Hahahah, poor fishie! I love that you have a senior rescue, I wish more people would consider adopting senior dogs

        1. My pet sitter said it was a first for her!! My little pup is the best ever. He has no teeth, is deaf, has cataracts, and some growths, but he is so cute and so sweet and I love that I take him all the places with me.

          I push the senior love hard :)

    5. Yoga class tonight. Feeling a bit crummy physically and emotionally and I’m looking forward to hour in quiet, 90F.

    6. I have two things:

      1. I had my devil nexplanon removed yesterday and I’m back on the shot. I had great experiences with my first two implanons, but since I had my kid my body chemistry changed and I was on my period constantly for the last year or so. I kept hoping it would get better but it didnt. And now I dont have to deal with the constant bleeding any more! Woo. hoo!

      2. I’m getting my roof and gutters cleaned today. They need it badly and I’ve been putting it off.

    7. I’m having an exceptionally good hair day. This is a major win in a humid southern city.

    8. I’m finally home about traveling Thursday-Wednesday to three different states for work. SO nice to work from home and sleep in my own bed!

    9. I had enough time to walk my dog this morning. Our younger dog died a few weeks ago, and spending more one-on-one time with my pup is helping us both cope – he’s an older guy and needs all the extra love.

    10. Reached inbox zero today! I keep a pretty clean inbox, but usually only get it down to zero once every few months. Love seeing no emails waiting for responses…

    11. Two things:

      1. My houseguest is gone after six weeks! Yay!
      2. I’m getting a Brazilian blowout this afternoon so I’ll gain at least 20 minutes every morning because I won’t have to deal with the flat iron!

    12. The awesome networking event I went to this morning. Great conversations and I learned about an opportunity to do some volunteer work in an area that I’ve wanted to for years.

    13. My husband was diagnosed with major depressive disorder two years ago (but had probably been depressed for the preceding 3 years). He received ok treatment for two years and in February cycled down into a blackhole that ended with him being hospitalized twice over the course of two months. As odd as this sounds, I am grateful for hitting him hitting bottom. He is now receiving stellar treatment, and I feel like I have my husband back for the first time in years: we talk now, he notices me and holy wow amazing garden parties. I know that he could slide back down, but today I am grateful for where he is and where we are together.

    14. Two things:

      1. My sweet, purry kitty
      2. That the PT on my knee is going really well and I’m getting around great. Sometimes it seems like slow going, but I’m relieved!

    15. My pain in the rear coworker told our COO today that he is going to relocate to a very far away city. He was told he can keep his job for a bit but not permantely (Yay!)
      This gives me job security that I didn’t have and was worried about.

    16. I’ve been tapering off PPIs (like Prilosec) and having horrible rebound acid production/ heartburn/ reflux.

      I found a book at the airport called Dropping Acid that really defines what foods I should be eating and it has really helped.

      So I’m glad I picked up that book and not the fiction suspense page turner I was considering.

      And I’m grateful to be feeling better.

    17. My son got into The Ohio State Medical School for fall matriculation. We’re not from the area but are told it’s important to say “The” before the name. :)

    2. Day wedding? Evening? I’m assuming outdoors.

      This looks pretty casual to me, but it could be fine for a beach afternoon wedding.

      1. Gorgeous dress; a bit too casual for me unless outdoor/day wedding. But here in Seattle, people dress very casually so this wouldn’t be out of place.

    3. I think the floral one is fine for day and/or casual, but I’d probably choose the black diamond pattern instead for an evening wedding. That said, I’m in the northeast and I feel like our weddings are (generally, speaking) a little more on the formal side than in other places.

    7. I actually just returned this. It’s jersey knit, pretty casual. I wouldn’t wear to a wedding at night.

      1. Thanks. Yeah, it’s hard to tell from the photo if the fabric is too casual but I suspect you’re right if it’s jersey.

  16. Cross-posting from the Mom site. Does anyone have recommendations for cheapish, low, delicate heels? I have been out of the heel-wearing game for over a year thanks to pregnancy and injury, and have a fancy-schmancy wedding coming up. I think a bluish-grey would best go with both of my RTR selections, but am open to black. I am fine with a D’Orsay, T-strap, or just strappy style, but would like the shoe to be super-delicate since the dresses themselves are pretty bold. I am so out of practice buying, and wearing, heels of any sort! (And if I could, I’d try to get away with flats, but I’m pretty sure that’s not gonna fly for black tie with Correspondence-Dinner-level attendees.)

    2. flats are fine! As long as they are a nice material and not Crocs, black tie does not equal heels.

      I mean, Cannes got ripped apart for not allowing a celeb to wear flats on the red carpet, and last night plenty of them wore flats with gorgeous gowns and they looked great

  17. Can anyone recommend someone in Chicago to do an adult ADD evaluation (for me)? Both city and suburbs are fine.

    1. The Family Institute (affiliated with Northwestern) has a number of therapists who list adult ADD as a specialty. I have had very good experiences with various services there— not with this in particular. But their intake people should be able to match you to the right clinician.

  18. I love this top; sleeves and a nipped in waist. I have so much trouble finding blouses. I don’t want to wear jackets everyday but I don’t find sleeveless or even cap sleeves appropriate. Still haven’t found a good alternate style.

    1. Same. I think cap sleeves and sleeveless just aren’t flattering.

      Kiyonna has been my godsend for comfy but pretty shirts that are least elbow-length and Talbots comes through for me too.

      1. I strongly dislike cap sleeves. Maybe it’s because I’m self conscious about my jiggly arms to begin with, but I find they really accentuate the negatives.

        1. Cap sleeves tend to hit right where most people’s arms are the widest and create a line. They’re also not an option for me – I have a decent-sized tattoo, and I can’t use a TatJacket to cover it like I can with short sleeves.

    3. I started my professional career in 1987. I loved butterfly sleeves and the color pink. I would have been all over this blouse. Funny how styles come back around.

  19. Anyone tried Corepower Yoga in DC/NoVA?

    I did yoga for a few months a couple of years ago and then stopped due to school/life and I’m looking to get back into it. Just wondering how intense the very beginner classes at CPY are and what the chain is like in general, any stories/recs welcomed. TIA!

    1. I went to Core Power in Chicago. The C1 (beginner) class is pretty scripted. After a 2-3 months of weekly attendance I got bored with it and moved on. That said, I had never done yoga before attending and it was a good start for me.

    2. I hear it’s a good workout. Like more strength-based and the C2 class can really work up a sweat.

    3. Corepower black tag member in Minnesota for 3+ years here. I just took a gander at the DC locations and it seems like the classes are mostly the same, so here goes:

      C1 is very basic vinyasa flow and they teach it the same way every time. The class for beginners, it helps you build a foundation for classes to come. I still go to a C1 once in a while if it’s all that fits in my schedule. It’s actually a great workout despite not having a huge range of postures, because you hold the postures for longer than you would in a flow and work on form. Part of the “core”power is that you always do some core work in the C* classes, so expect some boats and leg lifts, etc towards the end of practice. I find that it’s a nice addition to the class and it only lasts a couple minutes if you don’t particularly like it.

      C1.5 is also a scripted class but it adds in a few new postures and introduces sun salutation b. It’s a nice flow.

      C2 – an heated vinyasa flow class. The pattern of these flows will vary widely between teachers, so if you don’t like one C2, try a different teacher and find a few that you like. It’s going to be a faster flow. Some teachers push the limits and make it more like a cardio workout – I personally want to work hard but to feel like I’ve been to yoga, not HIIT, after a class. I just avoid the teachers I don’t love. You’ll work up a good sweat in most C2s, it should be warm in there but not stuffy.

      To get started, I would recommend doing your free week and attending several classes beyond C1, just to get a feel for it. Tell the teacher you’re new and trying it out, and they will offer alternatives to the postures you might not be able to get into yet. If you would use more than one location, try both out. I personally use 5 locations: I live near two, work near a third, love the teachers at a 4th and once in a while I travel over to a 5th, which is a franchised location that offers some unique classes. If you decide to become a member, take C1s and C1.5s until you feel comfortable with the postures and the movements of the flow. For some, this might be 3-4 classes, for others it might take 10 or more, you do what feels comfortable to you. Then, start taking whatever classes speak to you.

      Other offerings:

      Hot Yoga – a shortened Bikram class (60 minutes vs 90). The room will be about 105 (and can get up even hotter, depending on the temp and humidity outside). I was afraid to try it until I had been a member for about a year, but now I love it. I’ve actually cut back C2 practice and do Hot about twice a week. I attribute hot yoga to keeping my back in line, I haven’t needed to see a chiropractor since I started doing this class. Drink water all day long before attending, it will take a few classes to get used to the heat, and don’t push yourself too fast.

      Hot Power Fusion – combines vinyasa and hot yoga into one awesome minute class, in a heated room. I did some of these before I got into hot yoga, and I actually try to go to the candlelight 75 minute HPF on Friday nights before I go out. Again, lots of water.

      Sculpt: yoga with weight work added in. I used to do these on occasion, but I mostly skip them now. I’m big into safety while working out, and I felt like the some of the teachers moved the yoga portion of the class along too fast to get into the proper yoga poses. There are a ton of sculpt devotees though, and it is a good workout, so give it a shot.

      Core Cardio: this is a HIIT circuit and cardio class, not yoga, but I’m glad the studio offers it for variety. I take it once a week in the morning. It’s a nice strength complement to my triathlon training.

      The first time you go, pick a class to go to and arrive about 25 minutes before class, they’ll have you do some paperwork and will show you the studios and locker rooms. Drink plenty of water all day before you go, and eat something a few hours before, but not within 90 minutes of class. I find that the studios in MN (and the ones I’ve used in Denver and Chicago) look aesthetically fairly similar: they’re nice, clean and well kept. Despite going barefoot, I’ve never picked up any weird foot fungus or anything :) You’ll need your mat, a hand towel, and water. While it’s not necessary, I never go to yoga without a mat towel or yogitoes for your mat, it makes a big difference in your grip. If I’m not planning to shower, I use a small tote and a luggage lock for the locker. The locker rooms have decent basics, and should have shampoo/conditioner/body wash in the showers plus a few basic toiletries, a couple hairdryers, etc. They do charge extra for water, towels, and mat rental so bring your own if you can remember.

      Oh, and finally – ask about potential discounts. There is a good student discount if you happen to be a student, and I actually have a discount because I’m an MPR (public radio) member. If your health insurance will give you the $20 rebate for working out 12x per month or more, ask them and sign up for it. If you plan to go twice a week or more, it’s a pretty good deal to be a black tag member. My main studio also happens to have a spin room (it’s the only one at a CPY in any city that I’ve ever seen) and so I end up at the studios about 5-6 times a week, usually 2x for spin, 1-2x for Hot, 1x for Restore (some franchises offer this class, it’s slower zen stretching), every other week for HPF, once for Core Cardio and maybe once for a C2, so it works out to just under $5/class for me on a monthly basis. And wow… until I typed this out, I didn’t realize I was one of those crazy workout people.

      Overall, highly recommend CPY. The teachers I’ve encountered are wonderful, it’s a nice community, and everyone is really encouraging towards beginners. You can go to any class and take it at your own pace with no judgement. Good luck!

    4. CPY DMV fan here – love the wide offering and frequency of classes. I can usually find one which meets my schedule and where I’ll be (whether in DC, Nova, etc.) on any given day. Nice retail section, clean environment, and friendly instructors. Plus you get a free week unlimited as a new student and there are always random free special classes at each studio.

  21. Recommendations for reusable water bottles to keep at your desk? How many do you keep on hand and how often do you wash them?

    1. I love Contigo bottles, they’re the only kind I’ve used that don’t leak when upside down in mine purse. I got mine at Amazon but I’ve heard you can find them at Costco. I wash mine once a week.

    3. I have a glass tumbler with lid/straw that I really like. I got it from target on clearance. I actually got four of them and rotate which one I’m using, probably using one for a week at a time before washing it as switching to another. It wouldn’t be good for a commute with public transportation or walking because it isn’t sealed, but I drive and my office is really close to the parking lot. I always have one with me, so one at my desk.

      1. Also, I had plastic ones (nalogene) before and really like the glass ones so much better.

    4. One, it’s metal, similar to a Siig, but off-brand.

      I rinse it with hot water some mornings. Every other week or so, I pop a denture cleaning tablet in there to keep anything from growing. The mouth of the bottle is too small to wash the inside effectively any other way.

      2. Here is absolutely the best way to scrub out any water bottle, even …..

        Put in a small handful of uncooked rice (like 1-2 tablespoons). Add a SMALL amount of dishsoap. Add a small amount of water (1/4c or less). Put the top on, and Shake it like crazy for as long as you can stand (5 mins?).
        Dump everything out and rinse like crazy to get the soap out.

        Works amazingly well to get the mould out of my bike water bottles.

    5. Swell! Got one for a gift and can’t live without it. It really does keep water cold for 12 hours.

    7. I love the camelback ones with the “straw” that you lightly bite to drink. Whatever you get, I recommend getting one on the smaller side (not a mega 40 ouncer or something) because it’s nice to get up and get more water every hour or two.

    8. Umm, I have an old plastic Perrier bottle (12 ounces) that I wash out every night in hot water and then fill with seltzer water. Is that bad?

      1. The plastic in disposable water bottles breaks down over time and can leach into your water.

    9. I LOVE my UnderArmour insulated bottle. I fill it with water and some ice and 8 hours later on a 100 degree day, the water is still ice cold. No leaks, no condensation. I’ll never go un-insulated again.

      1. Likewise! I have a Klean Kanteen insulated, and it’s the best. I take it home and run it through the dishwasher over the weekend most weeks.

  22. I have a cheap, non-insulated one I picked up at Target. I schlep mine around and will inevitably lose it, so I don’t spend much money on them. Target usually has a range of styles and materials at different price points.

    It gets washed a couple times a week. I’ve noticed the rubber gasket in the cap can get a little funky, so I swish it with vinegar.

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