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Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
We are going to Portland ME for the long weekend and are planning to hit the outlets at Freeport om Saturday afternoon. I may get some fun stuff but I am mainly hoping to find a good deal for boots and winter outerwear for me and teen daughter. Are there good outlets there for that sort of thing, which ones? In your experience is it a good place for bargain shopping? I know there is an LLBean store but I am assuming it is not an outlet.
PS for the other two days the schedule in Portland and environs is set. It’s just the shopping part that I struggle with.
Editor
Looks like the LL Bean IS an outlet:
http://www.onefreeportvillagestation.com/store-directory
(I don’t even know if we are allowed to post URLs here.)
But anyway, when I searched for it, there were many results for “Portland Maine outlets.”
LL Bean
LL Bean for sure. Freeport has a ton of outlets like you’d expect to find anywhere (Banana, Gap, etc) but the corridor is dominated by the giant LL Bean “outlet campus” as I call it. It’s like 3-5 distinct buildings all side by side. Definitely can’t miss them.
rosie
There is an LL Bean outlet and a non-outlet (plus a separate bike store, it’s like a huge LL Bean complex). I also like Patagonia and Toad & Co., although not sure if either is a true outlet, but they’ll likely have some sale stuff. There’s also a North Face. Nike outlet could be another option, and I think there may also be something like Famous Footwear.
Enjoy! I really like wondering and shopping in that area.
Anony
I live in the town next to Freeport, so let me help =) There is the giant flagship LL Bean store (which is actually 3 stores) and then there is also an outlet, as mentioned above. Freeport is a great place for bargains and it’s a great blend of stores, yet entirely walkable unlike larger outlet towns. For outerwear and boots, there is The North Face (3 story outlet), Patagonia, J Crew, American Eagle, Famous Footwear, Bass, Sperry, Polo… One Freeport Village is a mall-within-the-town kinda thing but you also have stores up and down Main St (that’s why the link above only shows a handful of stores). Hope that helps!
Katie
Lots of outlets! The LL Bean outlet is great, though even their outlet prices aren’t cheap. You’ll definitely find what you need with all the choices there.
So Anon
Anony@ 9:39 — I live in Freeport! I’m not sure I’ve seen anyone on this board in ME! HI!!!!
Anony
So Anon @ 10:12 – Hey fellow Mainer!!! Such a small world – I’m in Brunswick =) I spent my early years working in Freeport – Gap, Polo, Abercrombie, North Face and Mexicali haha
So Anon
I think working retail in Freeport in earlier years is a right of passage!
Ellen
I think it great that this websight has readers all the way up to Maine, where we have some very shrewd ‘Rettes who can AND DO provide valuable input to the entire hive! Hurray for professional women everywhere! We have the power! We must be able to use it most productively to become the best we can be in this professional world! YAY!
So Anon
Hope you have a wonderful time! It is gorgeous up here right now! Freeport is a great town, and as Anony@ 9:39 said, the outlets are very walkable. There is ample parking. If it is raining, there is a covered parking garage under some of the outlets: go into town and turn off of Rt 1 next to Linda Bean’s and then turn right at your next opportunity. The garage is tucked under the outlets next to the movie theater.
Anon
Thank you so much everyone! I hadn’t realised LLBean also has an outlet. I will check all these out! I wouldn’t have known all of the suggestd names, so this is truly helpful.
Fall Bake Sale ideas?
Posting again from yesterday….looking for inspiration for fall bake sales. What are you baking this season?
Anon
Not necessarily fall, but could be made fall-like: Smitten Kitchen Salted Brown Butter Rice Krispie Treats. To die for.
Cookbooks
+1 These are delicious!
Anon
Chai spiced everything! I love warm spices but dislike pumpkin. So far ‘ve made chai-spiced waffles for with honey instead of syrup and this weekend, plan to make a chai spiced loaf cake
pugsnbourbon
You can add a sprinkle of cardamom to snickerdoodles and it does the trick.
Canoe Trips Are The New Fleece Tights
Also not necessarily fall, but I can’t get the idea of these treats out of my head, and will make them for my kids this weekend: https://www.melskitchencafe.com/oreo-rice-krispie-treats/
Cb
I made the Smitten Kitchen ginger snacking cake and it was delicious! I imagine you could make it in muffin tins for a bake sale.
OP
OP here, thank you….I have to check out Smitten Kitchen….both of these recipes sound delicious:)
Vicky Austin
Swedish-style cinnamon buns!
HR Attorney
I loooove a good banana bread, and this recipe is very forgiving and open to customization. I’ve added walnuts (probably keep those off for a school setting), coconut, pumpkin spice and pumpkin puree, and definitely lots of (vegan) chocolate chips.
https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/food-network-kitchen/vegan-banana-bread-3362239
Katie
I made pumpkin oatmeal butterscotch chip cookies that were a hit. Then for the next batch, I took that recipe and halved the butterscotch chips and added walnuts, craisins, and raisins to make up that volume. They were amazing.
Veronica Mars
I made Pioneer Woman Texas sheet cake into cupcakes and they were a huge hit!
Canoe Trips Are The New Fleece Tights
Not necessarily fall themed, but I’ve been thinking about these ever since seeing the recipe posted a few weeks ago. I plan to make them for my kids this weekend! https://www.melskitchencafe.com/oreo-rice-krispie-treats/
MagicUnicorn
Chocolate pistachio shortbread cookies from How Sweet Eats. They are amazing.
NOLA
Chocolate chunk cookies, banana bars with mini chocolate chips, pumpkin snickerdoodles, pumpkin spice bundt cake.
Ribena
I made the Smitten Kitchen pumpkin bread earlier this week and took it into work where it was a big hit. I made a couple of vegan muffins by scooping out batter before adding eggs and then adding the eggs to what was left of the batter and they worked really well.
RR
Might be a little late, but snickerdoodle bread. I’m not sure where I got the recipe, but it’s the one with the cinnamon chips and sour cream.
Anon
Does anyone have a good recipe for baked French toast without too much added sugar? I had a really good version at a restaurant not long ago, but I’d like to make the home version a little less sweet. TIA!
emeralds
I make Alton Brown’s.
anon
look at skinnytaste
Anonymous
Smitten kitchen’s casserole version.
Anon
If your spouse left dishes and garbage all over the house and refused to deal with it promptly, what would you do? My best friend is dealing with this with her husband and has tried everything short of actual violence to get him to stop. He says “I’ll deal with it in my own time” as soda cans and candy wrappers pile up wherever he’s been. I want to be helpful, but it’s looking pretty hopeless in my eyes and I’m wondering if anyone has had success with ANY strategy to get a spouse to listen to your needs about a “minor” issue like this. She’s sounding increasingly angry in her texts and has asked for suggestions so I feel comfortable giving advice. Just not sure what to say beyond the ever-helpful “divorce him.”
Anonome
She should send him a link to “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink” by Matthew Fray.
Anon
I haven’t taken that step of suggesting that article yet (she has probably seen it anyway) because I don’t want to get anywhere near suggesting divorce is the outcome.
anon
Well, the point of sharing the article wouldn’t be “divorce is the inevitable outcome,” it would be, “Spouse, this is how this behavior can harm a marriage, and in the case of the couple in the article it lead to divorce. I am showing this to you, spouse, because this article articulates the issue well and because I value our relationship and don’t want us to get divorced.”
Anon
That’s absolutely not the point of that article.
Anon
I don’t think she can change this if he hasn’t already responded somehow.
Senior Attorney
This. Sounds like she is in Number Three territory. As in, the three kinds of undesirable characteristics in a mate:
1. Dealbreakers
2. Things you can live with as the price of admission to the relationship
3. Things you can’t live with but you just know you can get the person to change, even though they don’t want to/refuse to, if you just explain/nag/cry/yell enough.
Spoiler alert: There is no Number Three.
Cb
No advice but this must be so difficult. I think relationship guidance always assumes you’re working with two reasonable people ‘Speak openly and make your request…’ but some people just aren’t reasonable.
I think I might pick it up for my own sanity but would be seething inside/outside.
Anon
That’s what she ends up doing 99% of the time and seething/venting to me. I don’t mind the venting but I just feel bad for her.
Trixie
Well, this is an interesting way to proceed, and why should she have to train her husband? But, have a look, and it may be beyond this:
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/11/style/modern-love-what-shamu-taught-me-happy-marriage.html
Cat
Wow, I vividly remember reading that the first time around and thought this might be an update 15 years later, ha. I will say that like the author, I catch way more flies with honey.
I also remind myself that for every time I find something minor-annoying about my husband, he probably has the equivalent about me…or does something that’s great. Like, he may not always “see” clutter the same way I do…. but he is the one who deals with many a household problem (need to take apart the dishwasher? dives right in) without nagging or complaint.
Vicky Austin
“Dishes by the Sink” is a cathartic read, but this is practical.
Anonome
I’ve never seen this article before, but I love it. I wish this would work on my own husband–he lost keys two years ago, and the car they belong to has been rotting in our driveway ever since.
Anon
This has to be a joke?
Anonome
No, unfortunately it isn’t a joke.
Anonome
Dammit, hit enter too soon.
He does project cars–like restorations, but not as meticulous and not to super-valuable cars, just older niche models. He bought a Saab Turbo, lost the only key, and Saab is defunct so reprogramming the entire steering console is almost impossible. Car is just sitting there.
Anonymous
Doing what you want whenever you want is not a respectful way to interact with a person you share a living space with whether it is a roommate or a spouse.
If he can’t get this then they need to address is in couples counselling – and second the recommendation about the Frey article.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
I have a hard time believing this is their only issue. If you have this level of disrespect, it doesn’t come out in just one area of your life. Maybe this is what she’s choosing to focus on right now because it’s concrete – and that’s fine – but I would encourage her to get individual counseling so she can work through whatever other issues she’s not acknowledging. I’d frame the counseling pitch as – this is clearly frustrating you and talking to someone on your own might help.
In the meantime, leave his piles of trash where they are. At best, move them out of a space that she needs and into a space he uses. You leave a glass on the coffee table in front of where I usually sit? I’m scooching it over to your side. You leave candy wrappers on our very small bathroom sink where I need to get ready? I’m tossing it on your side of the bed, or on your nightstand, or in your laundry hamper, or really anywhere it’s in your way and not mine. I am not your maid and I refuse to clean up after you. And do all this without saying one more word about it.
Anon
This. This isn’t about dishes or food wrappers. This feels like the manifestation of something much larger.
Anonymous
Agreed. One doesn’t seethe over dishes.
Anon
Meh, idk about that. I would be seething if I woke up to garbage strewn around the house day after day despite begging, asking directly, pleading, bargaining, negotiating, and everything else my friend has tried. I’m sure I’m getting the worst snapshots of it because she isn’t going to bother texting about minor things, but even still. I just plain feel sorry for her and want to help in some way, but I’m really at a loss. I will send her those articles though.
In response to someone else’s question below, I think her husband does have ADHD, but that’s just armchair psych on my part. They also have a cleaning service already, but they can barely afford it as it is and definitely can’t have someone come with more frequency.
Anonymous
Right – and this isn’t about the trash it’s about an ongoing pattern of utter disrespect fullness. On the other hand, this just may be the price of admission with this guy
Anonymous
Basic cleanliness and respect for your spouse is not a minor issue. That’s Frey’s whole point in his article.
Anonymous
The Shamu technique sounds as exhausting as begging your spouse to respect you and your space, though with better results. I think the recommendation of the Matthew Fray article is a good once because clearly (pun ha!) something else is going on.
Anon
Exactly, I resent the idea that not only is it her responsibility to do dishes and cook, but also to train her husband not to be an annoying ahole while she’s doing these. Blah. But, I spent so much of my life working with animals that I’ve totally used these techniques on my husband too and they do totally work.
Nesta
I mean, honestly, if I were in her position, I would just clean up after him. It’s not that big a deal to pick up a few soda cans and wrappers and toss them in the trash. If he’s a good husband in other ways, and this is just a blind spot of his, it might be wise to pick her battles. There are probably things she does/doesn’t do that her spouse doesn’t like, but tolerates, too.
For example, my husband told me early on that he prefers toilet lids be closed. I’ve never really gotten into the habit of closing them, and he eventually stopped bringing it up. Am I a horrible, abusive wife because I don’t “meet his needs” regarding the toilet lid? Maybe, but I guess he’s decided my good qualities outweigh this problem, and the toilet lids are often left up.
Anon
I don’t think the toilet seat example is comparable. That’s a preference rather than a basic hygienic standard. No house should be littered with garbage for weeks on end.
Nesta
The OP doesn’t say weeks. It says he doesn’t deal with it “promptly” which might mean leaving it there overnight, or even just not picking it up as soon as he leaves the room. We don’t really know.
Anonymous
I’ve had mice and roaches — promptly would be a problem for me if it isn’t cleaned within the hour.
Anonymous
Eh, I think it’s a quantity thing. If I occasionally find a stray glass it’s nbd – and frankly it’s just as likely mine as it is his. Everyone is absentminded sometimes. But if it’s “piles” of soda cans, dishes, candy wrappers, and other trash all over the place… I’m not sure that’s a mere blind spot. Frankly this seems like a larger communication problem – she’s trying to get him to do something, he he won’t be told what to do and now he can’t do the thing because then she wins and we can’t have that.
anon
We outsourced cleaning. Not the solution for everyone but the reason why it annoyed me was that I barely had time to clean up after myself so the added bonus of his stuff put me over edge. We are a big law/big 4 couple so there are times when or both of us just literally does not have the mental capacity to deal with something like putting the dishes away. All parties are now much happier and someone actually cleans the bathrooms (which we would never get around to).
Anonymous
I’m usually the first to jump on the outsourcing bandwagon, but I don’t think this helps here and in fact it might make it worse. You have to do some base-level picking up to have a cleaning service. My cleaners aren’t going to move the collection of water glasses on my nightstand down to the kitchen and wash them. I mean maybe you can get a way more hands on cleaning service than I have, but ime they’re quite expensive.
If OP’s friend got a cleaning service like I have, she’s just going to have to nag DH even more – hey the cleaners are coming tomorrow please pick up your stuff, no really I mean it, ok fine I’ll just do it. Frankly I’ve had relatively conscientious exes balk at the notion of cleaning for the cleaners, I can’t imagine what this guy would do.
Anon
Actually, my friend does have a cleaning service come every two weeks, but it doesn’t help with the problem of her husband leaving so much garbage lying around in the interim. I think it does help overall though.
Nesta
I mean, how much “garbage” are we talking about? And what types, other than soda cans and candy? And does he literally never pick it up, or just not before your friend gets to the point where it annoys her so much she does it herself, and if it’s the latter, how long is that? I just feel like there’s a lot of ambiguity that covers the realm of reasonable (leaving a few empty cans on a side table overnight after watching TV before bed) to unreasonable (cutting up an onion and leaving the scraps on the counter, blowing your nose and throwing the tissue on the floor, leaving a plate with a half-eaten sandwich on it out for more than two days…)
Anon
All of the examples you listed are things he has done. I’ve heard her complain about week-old pizza boxes, soda bottles cascading all over the couch and the floor, used cutting boards left to rot on the counter, and more. Apparently he slept in the guest room once while sick and left it looking like a frat house. He will leave things out for at least a week if not more, which makes me think that this does go past different expectations/her just being unreasonably rigid.
Anon
OK, maybe they need to stop buying soda, pizza, and candy? This sounds like a horrible diet.
Anon
LOL, while we’re talking about losing battles, she would love for him to stop drinking soda even more than she wants for him to stop leaving the cans around!
Anon
Also doesn’t help with the problem of her husband totally disrespecting her.
Nesta
Good Lord, where in the OP is it evident that he is “totally disrespecting her”? She wants something cleaned up “promptly,” he says he’ll “do it in his own time.” Doesn’t seem like a big deal in and of itself (though OP’s clarifying comments have added additional information that it may be pretty bad).
Anon
She’s “seething” over this. If you’re doing something repeatedly that makes your partner seethe, you’re being disrespectful. But hey, you go live with a man child if you want, it’s your life.
Anon
What is their financial situation? Could they hire someone to come in, say 3 times per week for a few hours? At $20/hr that would be $120/week. It definitely should not have to come to that, but it’s still cheaper than getting divorced.
Alternative thought – does she think there’s a chance her husband has some underlying mental health condition that is contributing (ADHD or depression come to mind)?
Anonymous
Yikes it would be a cold day in hell before I would agree to spend $500/mo on cleaning.
anon
We have a weekly cleaning service but I would never expect that they would be tasked with cleaning up piles of trash we cannot be bothered to throw out. And I know OP did not mention kids and I don’t know if kids are on the horizon or not, but I cannot imagine raising kids to think it was ok to have someone else pick up your garbage after you in this way.
Anonymous
Happily married for 12 years here…What about negotiating some standards that still give him some “mess” so it feels less like control of him? I’m the messy one in our house (although I wouldn’t leave wrappers about). We’ve basically settled on no mess in the kitchen or family room (public areas) but I leave my home office in chaos and have moved to the guest bath. (He will even correct me on “the right way” to fold towels. Ugh….) We don’t share closets either. And he has his way of loading the dishwasher so that’s all on him. If he’s not around, I’ll run it myself each day and make sure everything is clean when he’s back. I know it sounds crazy. But having some spots where I can still have things however I want –even if it may look cluttered–means a great deal to me. And it also makes me feel much more committed to keeping up my bargain on the public areas. That said, I’m sure there are a gazillion things I don’t notice and never will. And I’m thankful for my husband every day.
Nesta
Great perspective.
A quote that keeps popping into my head reading the responses on this thread: “Would you rather be married, or right?”
Anonymous
She should stop nagging him. It’s only causing him to dig in his heels more and causing her to become increasingly frustrated. Take a month off. Do not say one word about the mess. See if he picks up anything. If not, at the end of day 30, have a calm and collected come to Jesus. We tried it your way, the house is worse than before, I really need you to partner with me here to find a better solution because clearly neither of our solutions is working.
Anonymous
1) add garbage cans to every room and recycle if you need them
2) try to just establish a culture when you leave a room you take the stuff to the garbage or the top of the stairs. You can bring stuff downstairs.
2 bigger questions – if this is a culture problem it can’t be the only one….how is it dealt with in his culture and can you tie it to something else (eg we take off shoes at door because we don’t want bugs and grime elsewhere I’m house). also how many rooms do you have that he’s eating in them? We are messy people and it’s rare to find food outside of kitchen, office. A wine glass upstairs maybe but that’s it. What can you do to make the other rooms less comfortable or establish a no food / drink policy in them.
Anonymous
As someone who had a standoff with my husband of similar fashion, she needs to decide what matters more, her marriage or his cleanliness. These are not one issue. In my case, it was the former. We hired a housekeeper. And by we hired a housekeeper, I mean, my husband hired her against my wishes (you know, because I was still being adamant that he become cleaner). Then I started going along with it. She started coming once a week, now she comes twice a week and does our laundry and occasionally cooking. My marriage is better than it ever was. My husband is no cleaner than he ever was.
Parfait
Is he depressed? Not taking care of oneself or one’s environment is a major indicator of same.
Anonome
Shopping help, please! I’m trying to replace worn-out light gray slacks, and I’m having trouble finding the correct shade. Everything is dark, heathered, or warm-brownish gray. I want a light or medium, cool-toned blueish gray. Any style, as long as it’s office appropriate.
Size 6 to 8, very hourglassy. Very short legs with a long torso, so I often end up buying regular sizes and hemming the leg to prevent the rise from cutting me in half.
Tippins
I love the J Crew Edie full-length trousers in four season stretch. They come in a lighter gray called “Heather Graphite” and are $98 with 40% off today. These pants in black are my favorites – size 4 hourglass.
Cat
JCrew Cameron. The ankle length or cropped fit is actually the perfect length on me, similar proportions. Go up a size, they are cut slimmer than JCrew’s other pants.
Anon
Can I ask where you’ve seen the darker grey ones? Because I am in the market for those.
Anonome
House brands at Kohls and Macys, plus Express all have the kind of gray you want. HTH.
Anonymous
If you can wait a few months, you may have more options in light grey starting in February when spring clothes start to appear in stores.
Anon
I’m currently in a job that has burnt me out, that I’m not particularly good at, and that has led to me adopting some really bad work habits.
I was just promoted to another position on my team. My transition will be a slow roll, as I have to stay in my current position until it is filled. I’ve been doing some work for the new job when I have downtime but not terribly much.
Once I officially start, I’ll need to hit the ground running and absolutely kill it. At my last company, I had a great reputation, a strong work ethic and did excellent work. I’d say my work in my current position was just meh, for several reasons. I’m just concerned that even in the new position I’m not going to be able to flip the switch and start killing it again. I thought I had shot myself in the foot with my performance, but I was the fastest person to ever promote out of my position! I just feel like I need to “earn it” (internal competition for the position was stiff).
Any tips? How do I do the mental shift? What good habits should I be dusting off?
Anon
Are you sure that your work was “just meh”, especially if you were the fastest person to ever promote out?
Anon
No tips per se, but you might just be a high performer and putting the performance stress on yourself. What is 50% capacity to you might be 100% for most people. I have this “problem.” I have just come to accept it and stop putting some much pressure on myself to “kill it” as you say. I’m kinda in the same boat promotion wise as well- killed it for the past couple years, people would kill to a have my job, about to get promoted. I’m going to try to set the best work-life balance I can so that I can maintain a consistent level of performance rather than driving myself to the edge of burnout by trying to kill it all the time.
Anonymous
Know you’re designed for this. You’ll adapt. You got the position, and you have what it takes! It’s like running when you haven’t done it in a while. You’ll be breathless for a bit, but you’ll acclimate and fitter for it.
Cb
What’s everyone up to this weekend?
My husband was due to go visit his dad and sister but he has a cold and has to cancel (sister has late-stage cancer). I’m not feeling great myself, which means my plan to take the toddler to visit his cousins is also out.
It’s our wedding anniversary, so at least the cancelled plans mean we are together, even if we are poorly?
Anonymous
Happy anniversary! I’d order some pho, make hot toddies, and take a nice bubble bath with some fancy bath stuff in celebration.
Cookbooks
I hope you and your husband feel better soon!
I’m going apple picking this weekend. And getting apple cider donuts!
Cookbooks
And happy anniversary :)
asdf
Dogs-in-costume parade at local botanic garden! (If there is one near you it might be a good toddler option.) Sorry you’re under the weather.
Cb
We got married at the botanic garden in our city so may do a trip on Sunday. Think we’re all well enough to handle a walk but don’t want to spread germs to others.
Vicky Austin
It’s our anniversary this weekend too! And we are…winterizing the house. (Also going out for dinner one night and having his favorite meal on the other. And hopefully reading a ton and putting away the summer clothes.)
Never too many shoes...
It’s Thanksgiving here, so a long weekend. Change over to winter clothes and bedding, decorate for Hallowe’en and cook all the things (we have dinner on Sunday so Monday is leftovers and chill).
NOLA
It’s fall break for us (woohoo!) so I’m off on Monday and Tuesday. I’m baking cookies tonight for a church yard sale/bake sale, trying to spend some time with two friends when we are all finally off on the same day (Monday) and I may have a first date with someone new. I’m also singing the solo in Handel’s Chandos no. 7 with strings and flute on Sunday, which is kind of exciting! Otherwise, just sleeeeeeeep.
Junior Associate
Happy anniversary! Hope you all feel better soon. I’m catching up with a bunch of college and law school friends on a picnic.
Rainbow Hair
I’m really looking forward to this weekend!
On Saturday a group I help run is hosting a Halloween/autumn event at a brewery, and I’m going to be wearing a bad@ss costume — so that’s the highlight. But I’m also really looking forward to taking Kiddo to dance class, then taking her on a Costco run with a friend (for party supplies). I have a workout class on Sunday that I am enjoying, too. Tonight I think I’m taking myself to see Hustlers.
SFAttorney
Going to Sonoma Sunday and Monday. Bicycling past vineyards, eating good meals, and having a spa treatment. So glad to learn the power is back on.
Senior Attorney
Happy Anniversary!
We have a fun weekend: Symphony tonight, tomorrow night going out dancing at a dive bar with friends, Sunday night going to dinner and a play.
I have next week off work but not for fun — my mom’s memorial service is Thursday and I’m spending the week getting ready for that and also I guess I should go over and clean out her closet and get my dad situated a little better.
Meredith
So sorry to hear this SA. Love the stories of your family and I’m sad to hear about your loss.
Anon
Sorry you are going through this. xo
Z
SO and I want to move in together next summer when our current leases are up. We have reached a sticking point on location.
He lives in the college town where he went to undergrad and grad school. He’s now almost 4 years out of grad school and does not want to leave. We both work in a town about 50 minutes from College Town. He doesn’t mind the commute because he loves living there. I also really like College Town and would totally want to live there if it wasn’t 50 minutes (on a good day) from work, and I really really hate commuting.
I live in the town where we work, closer to the nearby major city. I love having a 10 minute drive and being near the city where I am part of several organizations and frequently visit for concerts.
He doesn’t want to live in Work Town, or any other nearby suburb because they don’t have enough things going on. Moving to Big City could be doable but comes with many other hassles like much higher rent and paying for parking.
It’s really hard to talk about because he really doesn’t want to move College Town and I really don’t want a long commute, and he feels like I’m not taking his feelings about College Town into consideration even though my reasons for not wanting to live there also make sense. How would you handle this? Is this something I should just compromise on?
Anonymous
Typo in the last paragraph: He really doesn’t want to LEAVE College Town.
Too early for me.
Anonymous
It’s silly that he prefers a 1 hour commute each way over leaving college town. How on earth is that going to work if you want to have kids? He’s literally choosing to spend two hours in the car each day that he could be spending with you.
Don’t move in with someone because your lease is up. Move in with them because you want to build a future together. Doesn’t sound like he is ready to give up his college days.
Anonymous
You don’t get to do the cool/fun things in College Town if you are away working during the workday 5 days a week and then spending 2 hours of your free time each day driving back and forth to it. All you do in the College Town is sleep there. You might as well live in City and then spend a weekend a month in College Town and enjoy the extra 10 hours of free time during the workweek (you could exercise? see a movie each night? get a masters degree? get a PT job? write a novel? so many possibilities when you aren’t driving (although I wouldn’t love it on a train, either; at a certain point, time is time)).
Anonymous
At a certain point, this sounds like Old School — older guys still living their best college life. Is he otherwise adulting? Or kicking and screaming into his 20s and beyond?
Anon
This. (Sorry to say.)
Anonymous
I agree generally, though I’m confused why so many people are bringing up kids. You can always move! OP, whatever decision you make doesn’t have to be permanent. You could always try out one location for an agreed-upon amount of time, and if you don’t like it, move somewhere else. That’s the beauty of renting.
anon
I think in order to answer this question I’d want to know if you typically are the one compromising when there’s a difference in how to handle something. Is he typically as self centered as it’s coming across?
Does he spend time at your place and truly hate it? What sort of things does Big City offer that he is worried about giving up (a hobby opportunity, volunteer and other organization involvement, close friends, or bars and partying options etc)? How affected is his quality of life really going to be here?
I hate long commutes and am concerned that YOUR quality of life will be significantly impacted if you do what he wants. Can you handle losing hours of your day to traveling to and from work? If not, then for your own emotional health and sanity, please do not do sign up to that.
Another consideration: Have you really discussed the budgeting impacts of living in a Higher Cost of Living area long term? Do you guys have joint financial goals and does the area you ultimately choose to live in impact those goals?
As for how to come to an agreement – a third party might help, professional or otherwise.
Anon
+1
You like Work Town, he likes College Town. You don’t want to live in College Town, he doesn’t want to live in Work Town. Yet you say he’s accusing you of not taking his preference into account? It sounds like you both have preferences that are in conflict. You compromising shouldn’t be the default in what sounds like a very balanced disagreement.
Anonymous
One of the big benefits to moving in together (in addition to wanting to because I love him and want a life with him), is that we would both save on housing costs. We could afford a nicer place together and each pay less. That doesn’t work if we move to a higher COL area, because I’d be paying at least the same or more as what I do now. Work Town is pretty medium COL, we could afford a nice 2-bedroom and not break the bank.
FormerlyPhilly
Going from a 10 minute commute to a 50 minute commute (on a good day, as you wrote) is a major adjustment – increased stress and likely physical and mental health consequences. Increased wear and tear on your car and higher insurance premiums. Assume you’ve stayed over at his place and have done this commute before? Have you tried it every day for 2-3 weeks to see how it really is?
I would also be concerned that the physical distance would take you away from things you love – being part of organizations, going to concerts, having time after work for fun life stuff.
I would not compromise on this unless you’ve tested it. Just because he’s okay with a long commute doesn’t mean that you’ll be. If you “really really hate” commuting and you end up moving, it may cause a lot of friction in your relationship if you become dissatisfied after moving to College Town.
Is he open to moving to Big City? Might be worth it just to start fresh in someplace new. There’s an economic cost to moving to College Town as well and might not be cheaper than Big City.
Anonymous
Yes moving to College Town would really hinder the things I’m part of. A major part of my life right now is volunteering regularly with an organization in Big City. I’m also getting a master’s degree part time in Work Town (in person). I’ve done his commute and I do it 1-2 times a week right now. It is really miserable, and there’s always traffic. I think I would really hate living there if I have to commute to Work Town. If I was working somewhere closer to College Town, I would absolutely consider it more heavily.
You’re definitely right about it not necessarily being cheaper than Big City – there are lots of very expensive apartments in both locations.
Anon
Why don’t you each give it a real try, meaning, move in together for a month in College Town and a month in Work Town while you still have the two homes? It would help you understand the realities better – what does it really feel like to do the commute, is Work Town actually more fun then he thinks, is living in Work Town but spending a weekend a month in College Town a good compromise?
anon
While you still have both leases, could you do a trial period of living together in Work Town Monday-Friday and College Town on the weekends, and then decide where to go from there?
Anon
Or in Work Town for a week and then College Town for a week, since I can see how spending the weekends in College Town and avoiding the commute would make it seem like the better option.
anon a mouse
Without wanting to borrow too much trouble… do you think you have a long-term future with this guy including kids? Because having a long commute that you hate is one thing when you are dating. But if you are talking about longer term shared goals, it would be very very difficult, if not impossible, to have both of you working that far from where you had children. So if that’s the case, maybe the compromise is live in college town until the next life event, then move?
Anon
Also you probably shouldn’t be moving in together if you don’t think you have, or haven’t even thought of, a long-term future.
Nesta
I mean… you either compromise or you don’t. If it’s more important to you to move in with this guy than not have a 50-minute commute, then choose to move in with him. It’s not “wrong” for you to compromise because you decide one thing you want (living with him) is more important than another thing you want (short commute). It seems he’s made his position clear: living where he wants to live is more important than living somewhere that you’d be excited about moving to. This isn’t really something this board can solve for you.
FWIW, a 50 minute commute does sound miserable. That’s over 10% of your waking minutes spent in the car every day. My husband and I did that for awhile and ended up buying a house that was twice as expensive closer in to work, and our happiness has improved vastly.
Anonymous
This is a feelings vs. logic argument. Step #1 is to make him feel heard. From your description, it seems like you hear him pretty clearly, but for whatever reason he feels like you’re not. I think you should both sit down and explain the other person’s side to them. Make sure you use lots of “I feel” statements to talk about the long commute. After that, if he’s still saying “you don’t understand my feelings” then you can point back to that conversation to show that you do. I think you’ll have to let go of who’s logically “right” (you are, you are the right one in this argument) because that’s not going to get you anywhere.
I speak from experience here – I had a similar fight with my ex. He eventually relented and moved to Work Town… and he resented me for it for the rest of our relationship. I still think this was a big maturity issue on his part. Aside from the commute, I really didn’t want to live in College Town. I’m not into the bar scene, certainly not with college kids, and I don’t want to live with someone who’s coming home drunk at all hours when I’m trying to sleep. It was a stage of life thing (even though he was older). If that’s part of the tension with you two, I would reconsider moving in together.
Anonymous
I loved my College Town (Williamsburg VA). It was awesome. I would live there forever if I could (maybe not in July . . .). I plan to retire there. But I’m not a professor. There is no job for me there. There are jobs in Richmond (and beyond). I wouldn’t want to drive it daily though, just to keep an toe hold in Williamsburg. I can just as easily drive in on a lovely Friday afternoon and relax and unwind. I have friends who have condos there b/c they are there that much; it’s an easy drive from Northern Virginia and DC. Hotels are plentiful and not that pricey. I’d never enjoy College Town if I were gone 60+ hours during the workweek, leaving all weekend for the unawesome house chores and errands. No thanks. I did that sort of commute when I was in my 20s and couldn’t afford to live any closer to Work City and it was 2 years of my life that I’ll never get back.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask someone to spend 2+ hours a day commuting because someone else likes living in Fun Times Town where they have tons of great college memories. Living in College Town seems like an emotional decision for your boyfriend, not a rational decision. As adults we need to make rational decisions based on what’s best for both parties, and I’m getting that maybe your boyfriend isn’t ready to do that.
Straight up, I wouldn’t move to where I had a two-hour commute every day. As others have pointed out, that is a real killer of quality of life. I have had friends who had 2-hour commutes and it affected their fitness, their overall health, their mental well-being, etc. They always either moved or got a new job after a year or so. Have you tried going to Big City with your boyfriend and checking out options there? Yes, it will be more expensive and there will be hassles but big cities also usually have more/better opportunities for career and for kids’ education over the long run. Going and looking at possibilities is sometimes a great way to energize people into action.
Ultimately, if he isn’t willing to compromise, I would not move in with him. His saying “we can move in together if you live where I want to live” isn’t the same as him saying “I want to be with you and I’m willing to make compromises to make this work,” which is what a stable long-term relationship requires. It’s not really difficult for him to say “let’s move in together and be together” if he gets to dictate all the terms for how that happens and where you will live. If he really wants to be with you, and have a long-term future together, he will figure out a compromise once you set your boundary. If he doesn’t do that, sorry to say, he was probably looking at this as a convenient rent-and-“gardening” sharing agreement and a year from now he’ll be doing that with a different girl who doesn’t mind living in his town and won’t push back on his selfishness.
Ellen
I agree he is a schmoe, and do not know why we, as intelligent women, put up with neanderthals who want to remain in college mode once we grow up. I cannot even fathem the thought of remaining in DC in Foggy Bottom at this stage in my life; I can only think back about all the times we went out drinking and then barfing on Wisconsin Avenue at 3 in the morning. NO thank you, I am an adult who wants to get married to an adult, not a spoiled frat boy who would prefer to pull his pants down and pee on the side of a building at 3:00 am. Either he grows up NOW, or you DTMFA now! YAY!!
Anon
I did a 50 minute commute for the last 3 years, and it did not bother me. I hopped on the interstate and did my calls and podcasted away (never any traffic going my way, stop and go would not have worked). Now, I live 10 minutes away and was excited to have an extra 2 hours a day. To be honest, I have not noticed much of a difference. I sleep a little bit more and get dinner on the table earlier. I can see why he might not think the 50 minutes is a big deal.
And 50 minutes away- fun town with lots of restaurants. 10 minutes away- town without a grocery store so very similar circumstances. Anyways, can you carpool or take turns? It might not be that bad.
BB
Counterpoint: I also went from a 50 minute commute in the car one way down to a 10 minute walk and it is a game changer for me. The only downside is I have to find another time/activity to catch up on my audiobooks, but otherwise, knowing that I can leave the office and be home in 10 minutes is HUGE. Being able to run errands without taking time off is HUGE. Not having a weird stress injury on my leg from driving is also HUGE. (You get my point… :))
Anon
I can see that- I guess my errand time hasn’t gotten any better because I still have to go to big city for groceries and all the errands anyway since 10 minute commute doesn’t have anything.
Anon
How much higher would the rent be in the city? Because that seems like the most obvious actual compromise.
Agreed with the poster above that I wonder if there are other lifestyle incompatibilities, though. What does he do in College Town that appeals so much, and do you want to spend your time doing those things? That question matters independently of the geographic location.
Z
We both have season tickets to the college’s football games, and he does rec sports with friends there. More of his friends that were living in College Town have been moving out in the last couple of years, so the friend connection is waning.
Him being walking distance to the stadium is incredibly useful for game days as parking and driving can be a literal nightmare, but I don’t think its worth planning where we live for a whole year over 6 football games.
Anon
Honestly – are you really sure that this guy wants to build a life with you? Because if he’s prioritizing rec sports and 6 football games/year over your daily commute, it doesn’t sound like he’s that committed to your happiness, or to the idea of a relationship as a partnership.
Anon
Yup, this.
Triangle Pose
Seriously. Is he an adult man who will compromise to build a life together with you or not? Because this is nutso.
Anon
I assume most of his friends, hobbies, etc. are in college town, which is something being overlooked in these responses. I think it’s understandable to not want to “leave” those behind even if we are only talking an hour away.
Honestly, if it were me, I’d split the difference initially and live 25 minutes from work and 25 minutes from college town (is this an option???). It makes it easier to go both directions and practical for him to maintain his ties to college town on weeknights.
Z
It can definitely be an option to live halfway, but he thinks those towns are boring and doesn’t want to consider it.
Anonymous
He’s not ready to move in with you, or probably anybody at this point. Again, grown rational adults don’t make major life decisions when they partner up based on what’s “boring” and how easy it is to walk to football games 6 times a year. He has some more growing up to do. Whether you want him to do it on your time is up to you. Out of curiosity, whose idea was it to move in together, or who brought it up first? If it wasn’t him, he may just be going along with the conversation to make you happy, but throwing up all these roadblocks to see if you’ll jump over them just to be with him…it’s what some guys do rather than saying “no, I don’t want to do that.” Remember, at the end of the day, there are no mixed messages – he either wants to be with you or he doesn’t. Personally, I would not compromise everything I wanted for someone who is willing to compromise absolutely nothing for me.
Triangle Pose.
This is correct. OP, I would really rethinking moving in together when your leases are up. He is not really ready to move in together.
Formerly Lilly
Sounds like he is willing to do this on his terms, and only his terms. And this is a big decision with a significant impact on your daily life (commuting) and future (personal and professional enrichment not available in College Town). If you live with him, get ready for every.single.little.thing About living together to be on his terms only. only you can decide what’s right for you, but advice from an Old is that there’s not a man alive worth putting up with that level of selfishness and inflexibility. It’s just signing up for unrelenting low grade resentment.
Anonymous
I commute at least an hour each way because I like the fun city I live in. It’s completely worth it to me. You’re painting him as irrational and unreasonable and that isn’t fair at all. He just has different preferences. I love the activities and friends I have where I live. That’s not failing to adult!
Z
I’m not saying he’s failing to adult, like I said I also really like the college town and would live there if circumstances were better for me. I’m glad you like it!
Anonymous
It is failing to adult if you have a partner and refuse to consider giving up any of your “fun” and convenience so the other person doesn’t have to seriously compromise his/her lifestyle. When people partner, that means both partners’ needs need to be taken into account – one person doesn’t get to plant their feet in the ground and insist on living exactly the life they want with no compromises and no consideration of the other person. That’s both immature and selfish, and it sounds to me like that’s the game the OP’s boyfriend is playing.
Anon
Disagree…it may just mean they aren’t compatible in the long term. Before you are married (or living together or whatever huge commitment you make to tie your lives together) you get to live according to your own preferences. And if you and SO have different preferences, you either compromise or break up. No need to lambaste either party.
Anonymous
I don’t think he’s playing a game at all. He’d rather not live with her than change his life right now. That may or may not be a relationship she wants to be in but it doesn’t make him immature and irrational.
Anonymous
If he’d rather do what he’s doing than have a reasoned conversation where he just flat-out tells her that he doesn’t want to move in with her? He is absolutely selfish and immature. If you, and Anon at 1:45 are putting up with behavior like this from men in your own lives – ladies, set a higher price on yourselves. You’re worth more than that. And if you’re treating someone in your life the way OP’s boyfriend is treating her? This is your wake-up call.
Anon
We live in an NYC suburb and the commutes are 50 min at the minimum. A 10 min commute sounds *better* but a 50+ min commute isn’t The Worst Thing Ever. We’ve been here four years and it’s fine. If and when kids come into play, maybe then it will become a bigger deal, but if he’s open to considering moving down the road then no need to borrow trouble.
Z
Yeah, I’m actually from a NYC suburb and my parents have done long commutes my whole life. I know they hate it, and I’ve done a 60+ minute commute for work before. If I have the option to not commute, I will always pick that option.
Anonymous
Then it sounds like you are every bit as unwilling to compromise as him.
Anonymous
Could you get 2 apartments together? One nicer larger apartment in Work Town where you stay Mon-Fri and he stays most of the week, and 1 tiny little studio, cheapest you can find, in College Town where you both stay most weekends and where he stays any weeknights that he wants to go out there?
Z
That one is definitely not in the budget for us, unfortunately. Would definitely be convenient though.
Dpmitten
Is it possible for you to commute by train or bus from college town to work town? A fifty minute train ride reading or watching Netflix isn’t bad at all, but I agree I wouldn’t want to drive fifty minutes. If you’re in south bend, for example, you could maybe take the south shore line?
Z
Unfortunately not in an area that prioritizes public transportation, so no train and inconsistent buses. Train would be a game changer for sure.
Anonymous
Help me, I’m freezing. Our high temps have been in the 30’s lately and I am so miserable just sitting at my desk. My feet in particular are freezing. I’ve been wearing short wool socks with suede ankle boots but my feet feel like ice. In past offices I’ve used a space heater under my desk but they are very strictly forbidden in my current office. I can’t be this cold for the next several months. What else should I be doing to keep my feet warm?
Nesta
UGG slippers make my feet legitimately HOT. If you can get away with wearing slippers while in your office, I’d suggest that.
Also, an electric blanket might help. Again, keep it under your desk and use it in your lap while seated. You can get them for like $30 on Amazon.
anon a mouse
A former coworker had Ugg moccasins (not slippers) that she wore in her office for exactly this purpose.
Also, can you use a hot water bottle or a heating pad on your core? It sounds counterintuitive but I find that if my core is warm, the rest of me is less cold.
Go for it
Small Oil filled radiator.
Anon
+10000000
Anonymous
There are sheepskin shoe inserts that you can buy on Ugg that are truly magical at keeping your feet warm. I also recommend a heating pad for extra warmth.
Anonymous
Speaking to your doctor about your circular issues.
Anon
Skiing hand warmers in socks. They make really thin ones now.
Anon
Big winter boots? I know big boots like Sorrels + office attire is not the look most of us go for, but for me personally it would be better than being cold and miserable all winter.
Anon
If your feet are on a hard floor or hard carpet over concrete, try a rug under your desk or under your desk and chair. Nothing too fluffy or plush, but a buffer between you and the cold floor.
Coach Laura
I had a frigid office where space heaters weren’t allowed but they did not reject this one from amazon “Fellows climate control footrest.” There are others perhaps cheaper. Search for “footrest heater”. Mine was adjustable and had a low heat setting or a fan setting for summer when the office was stuffy. If it’s under the desk and looks like a footrest, you might get permission and/or beg forgiveness if discovered. Plus thicker, higher socks.
Daffodil
I had the same problem when I moved jobs. I got a plug-in hearing pad and use it as a quasi blanket, and keep a heavy wrap/shawl in my office. Using both right now, actually.
Sparky
Space heater for office recs please and thank you!
Anon
I use a heating pad that I sit on instead of a space heater. It’s amazing, I’m never going back.
I have the PureRelief one that wirecutter recommends.
CountC
+1 on the heating pad
Anon
I have a little Honeywell from Amaz0n. It was the nicest looking one I could find under $30 and it works great.
Horse Crazy
I have a foot tall Vornado tower heater under my desk that is great.
Anonymous
Vornado.
restaurant gift card in DC?
I want to purchase a $100 giftcard to a restaurant or a restaurant group in DC for a colleague who did a huge, time consuming favor for me. I don’t know much about their food preferences but at one point during the course of the favor they joked about me owing them a steak dinner. Any ideas on where to get the giftcard to? (Must be able to purchase online.) TIA!!
Think Food Group
Late reply, but I’d try a gift certificate for the Think Food Group. It’s Jose Andres’ restaurant group, which has restaurants at a variety of price points (fast casual to tasting menu) and a variety of cuisines (Spanish, Peruvian, Mediterranean, Mexican, etc.). Also available to purchase online.
Paint Colors
We are planning to paint our place and are struggling to decide on a room color for our living room/dining room. Any suggestions on colors or how to make the choice?
T
Benjamin Moore White Dove and Simply White are two of my faves. You might get inspiration looking at rooms with similar style/furniture tones to yours on Houzz or Pinterest, then going from there.
Anon
Step 1: Warm or cool colour? (Reds/orange/beige vs Blue/green/etc.)
Step 2: You and partner independently look at photos until you find a room you like. Save links.
Step 3: Show each other and hope there are similarities.
Step 3: Rinse and repeat until there is agreement.
I personally don’t think there is any magic to choosing a colour so long as you are within a wide wide range of reasonable options. Knowing nothing about you or your space, I can tell you that I’m obsessed with the colour of my living room: Dill Pickle (Benjamin Moore).
Anonymous
Color is really hard generally and really hard to tell from a paint swatch. Recently, my parents built a new house and had to pick colors for every room inside as well as the exterior. My mom discovered that Sherwin-Williams has “Color Consultants” that can help you with this. It’s $95 for a 90-minute consultation, but then you get a $50 S-W gift card. My parents were really pleased with the person that they talked to – she was an interior designer previously, but had cut back to doing just the color consultations to spend more time with her kids. So, she did have a great eye for color and design and helped to drastically narrow the choices for my (overwhelmed) parents and they love the way everything turned out. I think she was also at their house and helping them with color for several hours (rather than just 90 minutes). While that route may not be for everyone, just know it’s an option.
Poll Q
At a conference yesterday, I felt extremely self conciuous carrying a shopping bag at the last session before I left. A renowned tourist-attractions store was 2 blocks away, and within the price range that anyone at the conference could afford something.
And yet I seemed to be the only one who had shopped at lunch. This was probably just because they had cars or closer hotel rooms, right?
Anon
Don’t worry about this. Just do you.
Anon
+1 unless there are aspects to this particular conference I’m not envisioning right, I promise you this is one of those things no one else noticed, or if they did (and likely in a benign way), will not remember. (I could see myself worrying about the same thing though).
BabyAssociate
I’m missing something. What is there to possibly feel self conscious about?
Anonymous
I don’t usually shop at conferences. n=1
Anon
Or they didn’t shop. Either way, not something to be worried about, I guarantee you that nobody is paying that much attention to you.
PolyD
Only reason I’d notice is if it looked like interesting shopping and then I might ask you where the store was.
Ms B
Meh on the dress, but I really like the shoes with it; they seem like a very good option for a decent amount of foot coverage in the winter with tailored pant suits and dresses (perhaps even with the famous FLEECE TIGHTS). I checked the Eloquii shoes, but they do not show up there. Ideas on source or duplicates?
Never too many shoes...
Here are some that are pretty close:
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/jessica-simpson-layra-bootie-women/5068249
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/vince-camuto-sestrind-bootie-women/5391680?origin=coordinating-5391680-0-2-PDP_1_SH_GV-recbot-cloud_vision_visually_similar&recs_placement=PDP_1_SH_GV&recs_strategy=cloud_vision_visually_similar&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=product&recs_seed=5068249
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/linea-paolo-natasha-leather-bootie-women/5315229?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FShoes%2FBoots%2FBooties&fashioncolor=Black&color=black%20nappa%20leather
MagicUnicorn
The M Gemi Cono Bootie is a very similar look.
Anon
Has anyone made an offer on a house before? Is a ton of anxiety normal? We are in a hcol area and like, this house is very expensive yet small. If we went to other neighborhoods or waited longer we could probably get more house for the money, but this one has charm and is small but cute. Annoyingly despite the price will need some work (new appliances, some plumbing). But I have so much anxiety that I am getting a bad deal, I am just not sure if that is normal.
Anonymous
It’s called buyers remorse for a reason.
anon
Anxiety is normal because the process is fraught and full of paperwork (and expensive) but annoyance with the house needing updates is a red flag to me. Sticker shock is a real thing. Do you think the house is worth it in the grand scheme of your life and financial goals? Do you have to purchase now? If you’ve got doubts, listen to them.
Anon
+1
emeralds
My husband and I are under contract for our first house, and yes, I have been a total ball of anxiety since we put the offer in. Get ready for the roller coaster of emotions to continue even after your offer gets accepted.
(For those of you who responded to my post earlier this week, we got the flood insurance worked out. The first couple of quotes we got were truly bananas, but we kept looking and found options that would work with our budget. Obviously we are accepting some level of risk by buying this house, but we’ve thought about it a lot and have decided that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.)
Anonymous
It’s normal to be nervous, even when it’s not your first house! We bought our second house last year and I almost backed out of the deal at least three times (mentally for myself at least, I didn’t say much to my husband or anyone else). It’s a big process and involves a lot of stuff the average person doesn’t understand and has little contact with in the course of daily life. As someone told me, you may only go through a home purchase process two or three times in your life; it’s okay to feel out of your depth at all the terminology and paperwork, etc.
But, definitely do some mental exploration – are you nervous in general, or do you have a bad gut feeling about the deal? It’s normal for most older houses in urban areas to need some updates (ours did, right off the bat, but they were minor and pretty inexpensive) and to not get absolutely everything you’d want from a house. But if you really feel like you’re compromising on things that are significantly important to you – that’s different. When we had cold feet about making an offer on a house (that we ultimately didn’t follow through with) our Realtor told us, hey, there’s always another house. And there really is. So if this isn’t the right one, have faith the right one is coming. But if this house is pretty great and you like it and you can see yourself being happy there – take some deep breaths and have faith that buying it is the right decision. What helped me was starting to put together some interior design ideas and using the floor plan to figure out where our furniture would go – that really helped me visualize what living here would look like. And a year later, we still love it. I bet you’ll love living in your new house too.
Anon
I found making an offer on a house (closed late Sep) one of the most nerve wracking things of my life. Also a VHCOL area for housing. I felt extra anxiety because I grew up in an area where a nice house costs $150k, so the numbers were just…out of this world.
I don’t think anxiety means you should be worried about proceeding. Obviously don’t overextend yourself, factor in the known improvements and the many many unknown fixes that will be required, etc. But at the end of the day, buying a VHCOL house is almost always an emotional decision rather than the optimum financial investment, you already know that, and so the question is about loving your choice and the lifestyle it will allow you to have. It’s way better to overpay for a house you love than underpay for a house you are going to hate.
anon
I just made an offer on my absolute dream condo in my neighborhood and got caught up in a bidding war. I came to my senses and pulled out when it was getting to be too expensive for me, but I am surprisingly heartbroken over it. Now I don’t want any other house. But right after I put the offer in, I was worried I would actually get it. (Sooo much money in my my VHCOL area.) So I think you’ll have remorse either way because it’s such a big decision – remorse if you didn’t get it and you should have fought for it, or remorse if your offer was actually the winning one and now you have to go ahead. Things will work out in the end.
Rainbow Hair
I think it would be strange NOT to be nervous about committing to spend a huge chunk of your money, and taking on owning the biggest most expensive thing you’ve ever been responsible for (except may be a kid?)… don’t worry about being worried… I hope you get the house and love it!
Irish Midori
I hit another of many frustrations with staffing in my office. Like probably most recent law grads, I had NO idea of how to use staff or manage people, but was just introduced to someone and told they are my legal assistant. I’m 10 years in now, and don’t feel a whole lot wiser. I feel like younger lawyers need different things from their staff than the older lawyers do, too, so whenever I ask “What should my legal assistant be doing for me,” it’s stuff like typing dictation (I never dictate because I type faster) or entering time (I do my own because I am computer-literate and find it way easier). Frankly, I don’t think my office uses assistants or paralegals to their capacity and suffers in efficiency for it, but I don’t have a good benchmark.
We have a recent vacancy and there’s a chance to maybe make a new hire, and I’d like to be more specific in my input about what we should be looking for. I also want to make sure I’m not expecting too much. Should a paralegal be able to draft a subpoena, or is that really my job? So, hive question: What can/should a legal assistant do? What can/should a paralegal do?
AFT
In my experience, there is a fair amount of overlap between what a really good assistant and a paralegal can do. E.g., Any assistant should be able to type up your handwritten notes into a subpoena form; a good assistant or paralegal should be able to prepare a draft when you say “put together a subpoean for X company asking for X records” that you revise; an experienced paralegal may be able to put together appropriate subpoenas/identify how to serve them/figure out the identity of the recipients with minimal oversight.
My former awesome assistant also would answer calls and often deal with the issues without my input (e.g., opposing counsel needs a copy of X or finding and sending a copy of an old settlement agreement for the client; would pull together travel options when I said “I need to be in Cincinnati from Thursday to Friday” based on my known preferences for hotels/flights/etc. and I’d then pick which I wanted before she booked)
To your question, I would say looking for someone who is a problem solver and self-starter who will look for opportunities to make your life easier. If you’re interviewing a candidate with experience, ask what they do for their current bosses. With or without experience, ask how they would handle a situation where they had incomplete information – ideally they will get the project as far along as possible rather than stopping and coming back to you to provide more info that they may be able to gather on their own.
Anonymous
I have this problem too. I’m a third year for reference. IME, it’s important to distinguish between a paralegal and a legal assistant. There is some overlap, but they have different capacities and training, generally. I 100% expect both to prepare (And send) subpoenas, I would never do that on my own. I expect an assistant and/or paralegal to be able to obtain all records I need, by continuously following up with the subpoenaed entity, etc. I expect an assistant to calendar all court appearances, all appointments, depositions etc (I literally do not calendar anything myself), make all my appointments, schedule all my depositions. My benchmark is, generally, if I can’t bill for it I try to delegate it to my assistant.
Anon
— Sending subpoenas
–Organize file
–Fix formatting on something I’ve done/make it look pretty
–Schedule meetings
–Keep track of deadlines
–Do reimbursements
–Draft simple cover letters.
–Draft simple pleadings (like a notice of appearance)
Anonymous
Update your Contacts or CRM
Review draft bills and vendor invoices
Keep track of engagement agreements and billing guidelines
Request conflicts checks
Open new matters
Close files
Create and update team mailing lists
Schedule team meetings
Anon
+ to these plus: proofread documents prior to filing, put together exhibits I have identified, initial redacting of PII that I later review, general document/file management.
Anonymous
IMO, and this is probably not a commonly help opinion, your legal assistant/paralegal should do whatever you need them to do. Your job is to make the highest and best use of your time and obtain the billable rate for that. You are adding value to your client by pushing any other work to a lower tier billable… careful pushing too much onto a legal assistant as you won’t be able to bill for that. I have trained up my paralegal to do things a junior associate could do. I use my admin for anything that helps me at all and this may sound more like a personal assistant, but she does random things for me- everything from buying gifts for friends birthdays to formatting documents. She doesn’t do my time, but she always reminds me to submit it. For reference, I am 35. My admin and paralegal are both close to my age. Our clients love us. It took 2+ years of searching and training to get my team up to this level.
Irish Midori
I like to imagine one day I will be like Teri and Jane from Drop Dead Diva. I just need to find and train my Teri.
One of my challenges in this regard is that I don’t make any hiring decisions, and I share with two other lawyers, one of whom outranks me and isn’t known for sharing bandwidth well. So I work with what I’m given.
Annie
How much do you think is reasonable to pay for biweekly cleaning of a two bedroom/one bathroom apartment in DC (DC pricing seems to be VERY DC specific so would appreciate DC specific feedback thanks)?
Anon
I pay $110 every two weeks for cleaning of my 2 bed, 2 bath condo. My cleaning person seems to stay around 90-120 minutes to do the condo which is approximately 1100 square feet.
Anon
I paid $70/wk for my 2/1 condo in Alexandria (900 sq ft). I kept the same housekeeper when I moved to National Harbor and now pay $120/wk for 3/2 house that’s about 1500 sq ft.
Daffodil
Before moving last year, we paid $100 once a month for a one bedroom, one bathroom 800 sq foot apartment in DC. She was usually there about 3 hours each time, brought her own cleaning supplies, and also washed/changed our sheets. It would have been slightly less if she had come twice a month.
AFT
Husband has a milestone birthday in December, and I’m stuck without ideas as to how to celebrate! We don’t have a particularly large social circle, and I haven’t started planning anything, so a party in December is probably out. We like to eat and fancy restaurants, so I was thinking a smaller group to a nice restaurant for a private dinner would be nice — but much of the folks who are in the close group are adamant non-foodies who likely wouldn’t appreciate it. He wants a big ticket item for a hobby to celebrate, which I’m happy to provide, but I am struggling with marking the occasion… Any thoughts?
* My milestone birthday is next summer, so a joint celebration in Spring/Summer 2020 may happen.
Anonymous
Private foodie dinner just the two of you. Mini-holiday. Larger event in 2020.
Anon
Do you have any sports teams nearby? Maybe take the group to a sporting event, and see if they can add something to make it more special like a VIP box? I don’t mean it has to be a national team either. My DH has only a passing interest in hockey, but for one of his friends’ milestones they got a box at a junior league hockey game and apparently had a blast.
Ribena
My dad’s birthday is in December and we have always celebrated his milestone birthdays with a big party the following summer. One time we did an open air cinema in the back garden which was great
Gizmo watches?
Has anyone gotten their kids a Gizmo watch? [They are watches that let a kid phone / text 6 people that you select for them — usually parents and people who give them rides to/from school or activities.] I was thinking of this in lieu of a phone, but this would be for a middle schooler (and maybe it’s seen as baby-ish or for younger kids).
AFT
Yes – recently got one for my 6 and 9 year old to share for drop-off practices and events (and ONLY then, not school or otehr times). I like the device much more than I thought I would! When I was crowdsourcing information, I got a lot of feedback that a dumb-phone or older smart phone might work well with a kid 10 or up. I suspect for a middle schooler, inheriting an old phone with limits may be a better long-term solution. The Gizmo (while great) is definitely aimed at early to mid-elementary schoolers.
Anon
I would not do this for a middle schooler. A dumb phone, tracfone, or a smartphone without data would be less embarrassing for them and they’d be able to use it longer.
Ms B
In line with my parenting b*ard, the plan at our house is to get The Kid a dumb phone (or old iPhone without any data) once he starts going to baseball tournies with other parents (probably age 9 or 10) and then a smart phone after age 13. The Kid is pretty good about adhering to device and screen limits (he tells babysitters if they put on a TV show that is “not appropriate”), so YMMV.
Cat
Gizmo is definitely for elementary school kids, based on the opinion of my tween cousins.
ElisaR
2 of my friends swear by them. But i do think they are for younger kids. My friend’s 10 year old hates that the only texts she can send of pre-typed. Like kid wants to text mom “i want to come home in 10 minutes” but she can only send one of 10 texts and the closest is “i want to come home now.”
My other friend’s daughter is in kindergarten. She has it in her backback for tracking purposes. this was a huge benefit when she got on the wrong bus in tribeca and wound up in harlem and nobody noticed but mom watching the gizmo tracker. Mom called kindergartner and kid brought watch to bus driver to talk to mom (it automatically picks up, child cannot ignore a call)
Nesta
A pair of my work slacks has a small hole in the fabric on top of my thigh — it’s about 1 mm wide, so very small – it looks like a piece of lint or something on first glance, but it’s definitely a hole and if I pull it taut, you can see my skin through the hole.
I have to throw these pants out, right? There’s no way to repair them that would look decent? (And I will never wear them outside of work.) I know I shouldn’t donate clothing that is damaged.
Anonymous
Do you like the pants and want to keep them? That size hole is very easy to mend.
Anonymous
If the hole is really tiny and the fabric is something you can iron fairly hot (e.g., not 100% synthetic), I would at least try ironing on a patch on the inside in a coordinating or slightly darker color. If it doesn’t look good, you haven’t lost anything.
Nesta
Hmm… your post has at least inspired me to take it to a tailor to see if any invisible repair can be done, since I have to go anyway to get a dress hemmed.
Celia
The edge of the patch will show. I think it’s better to have it stitch-repaired. Might not be able to wear ’em to work any more, but you at least still have a beloved pair of wool pants.
Ms B
Search in your local area for “fabric reweaving”. I know of at least two places in my area (neither of them my usual alteration spot) that do this and have good reputations.
Samantha
Cut them off and make them into (frayed edge) shorts!
So Anon
I’m looking for resources: books, free trainings, etc. on learning to read and understand a P&L statement. Anyone have any suggestions?
Life Wisdom?
Haven’t used it myself but free accounting fundamentals classes online? I’ve found it easier to work through actual problems after a short lecture for accounting, rather than to peruse a book (I took an accounting class in law school and didn’t really “get” it until I sat down to do the problem sets)
Here’s one go*gle turned up:
https://courses.corporatefinanceinstitute.com/collections/accounting
Anon.
Two books I read when leaving my BigLaw job and moving to role that involves more financial statement awareness: 1) The Wall Street MBA and 2) Financial Intelligence. Website: Investopedia for basic definitions of things.
CPA Lady
In what context? Professional? Being on a board? Etc.
Coach Laura
The Portable MBA is a good one to start with or you could skip to The Portable MBA in Finance and Accounting if you have some background. I read them both before starting my MBA and thought that they are worthwhile and good reference books.
Anon
My first wedding anniversary is coming up and I need some help figuring out things to do to make it special. We aren’t usually super romantic in the classic sense, don’t usually celebrate Valentines Day, and while we have a tradition of a particular hotel for Christmas, we don’t have any other special regulars and I already make his favorite meals rather often. I have a great gift idea that’s very specific to his interests of an early edition of some illustrated fairy tales translated into English, however I’m at a total loss of what else I should do beyond a thoughtful gift. Would you plan a day out doing something? Try a new fancy restaurant? Re-read your vows? What are some good and thoughtful traditions we can think about? TIA!
Anonymous
I hate feeling beholden to the marital industrial complex. And I am not a mushy romantic person. Lifetime Television for Women can burn in hell.
But I try to dig out my wedding album and flip through it. A lot of people came. A lot of relatives and some friends are gone now. The photographers did a good job of capturing joy.
Honeymoon pictures are a laugh fest. Questionable bathing suit choices. Rum-focused pictures. Good to revisit also.
Anon
We took a major bucket list vacation for our first anniversary. I won’t say I regret it, because we had an amazing time and it would be a hard destination to visit with kids, but it’s a bit of a bummer that it feels like our anniversaries are sort of all downhill from here. I guess what I’m saying is that it’s ok to keep it low-key and save the blowout celebration for a bigger milestone down the road (unless your first year of marriage was particularly challenging for some reason and you want to acknowledge that). Your gift idea sounds lovely.
Anon
Talk to your husband and figure out what sort of things you both like–a nice dinner, a weekend trip, buying a piece of furniture or art for your home
anon
I have a couple of friends who do a modern spin on traditional anniversary gifts. So for the paper anniversary they got tickets to something or other, for the cotton anniversary they got band t shirts at a concert the went to, etc. I thought that was a neat idea.
My husband and I mostly just go out to dinner. But we did get vow renewed by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas for our 10th.
Anonymous
We do a nice dinner out on an anniversary adjacent weekend. I keep a list of white tablecloth restaurants and book at one of them.
Anon
Not sure where you had your wedding reception, but my venue also had a nice restaurant attached to it, and DH and I like to return there for our anniversary to have dinner and stay in a nearby hotel. We don’t live in that area anymore, but it’s only a little over an hour away, and it’s a nice one night getaway at a place that holds such great memories.
Senior Attorney
We had a dinner party in the private room of a nice restaurant with the members of our (small, local) wedding party. They had a big TV and we showed the wedding photos on it.
A.
I’ve been off work for three weeks due to medical leave after a surgery. My recovery is progressing well, although I’m still much more tired than normal and definitely not operating at 100%. I’m working from home three half-days next week, and go back to my office job full time on October 21. I manage a team of 9 and am in a leadership role (report to the CEO).
Given this context, any tips for re-entry? I’ve kept an eye on email but work has been GREAT about mostly leaving me alone (sorry for the Ellencaps!). I realize I don’t have a lot of context about what’s been going on at work so I want to be gentle about re-entry but also useful. I would love your stories of what a successful return could look like. I’ve taken three different maternity leaves (including one at this org), but somehow this feels different.
Coach Laura
I would start by reading email in the afternoon today. When I return after time out, I have anxiety about problems that I might be blind-sided by and reading email and replying as needed helps me feel that there aren’t any crises to deal with on Day 1.
You could also prep your CEO by sending an email to CEO today and say that you are looking forward to returning on X date, you’ve been monitoring email/projects X, Y and Z and would like to meet to get caught up (if that’s your CEO’s style) or have coffee the afternoon after you return or a phone meeting next week. I find that meeting with people before I’m up to speed discomforting but you may feel different. And then an email to your team on Monday conveying your schedule. Good luck with your recovery.
Gail the Goldfish
Does anyone have the Patagonia Tres 3-in-1 jacket, and is it worth the very hefty price tag?(currently $599 on Patagonia’s site). Or does anyone have recommendations for something similar that’s cheaper? Looking for a good waterproof coat with removable layers.
A.
I don’t know about recommendations, but I just became aware of Patagonia’s Wornwear program. They resell gently used clothes and gear at a significant discount and I just found a great jacket for my son. Might be worth perusing.
C2
Similarly, check Poshmark and your local buy-sell facebook groups.
Anon
Ebay tends to have good name-brand selections as well!
mm
Yes, I’ve been wearing it for the past two years. I found it on a steep discount on 6pm so definitely check outlet sites as they might have old colors
It keeps me warm in NYC winters and is reasonably professional looking. My only complaint is that the inside liners can sometimes shed feathers from the down
Newt
I bought one off eBay last year for ~$300, knowing that I was going to move and would have a longer walking commute to the metro. It’s toasty and a more flattering cut than all the lower cost options I looked at. No regrets at all, although I couldn’t justify full price.
Anon
I moved to a colder climate last year and wanted something with removable layers, but definitely didn’t have $600 to spend, so I got a fleece jacket, a softshell, a puffer, and a rain shell and I wear them in all different combinations depending on the weather. It has worked really well for me and I like it better than 3-in-1 jackets I’ve had in the past because I was able to pick the exact individual jackets I liked instead of getting a combo I sort of liked.
Anon
I have the non-down version (because vegan) and yes, it’s pretty great. Better warmth than anything that looks equally professional.
Anon
I have the Marmot Downtown Component 3 in 1, going on year 3. It’s very warm and has a fairly flattering cut. I got it for about $250.
Anon...
I have this jacket and I think the downsides to the version I have is the shell doesn’t have zip pockets and the down part when worn alone doesn’t cover much of the neck.
Anon
how does the new overtime rule apply to part time employees? i am currently a PT salaried (exempt) employee at my organization, working 20 hours a week for about $30k. they are saying that due to the new overtime rule, they need to switch me to non-exempt status, which has different benefits. are they correct? i totally get that if i was working 40 hours a week for $30k they would have to switch me, but if I was working 40 hours a week, i would be earning above the threshold. How does this apply to part time workers?
anon
They are correct. The salary test is based on your overall weekly earnings, regardless of the time you work, unless you are a “computer employee.”
OP
thanks. this is so annoying. i wish the rule was written to include a provision for salaried employees who work less than 40 hours a week. fortunately, i think they are willing to grandfather in my old benefits
Anon
Wasn’t that an Obama-era rule that Trump undid? Or did he redo it?
Anon
it was undone at the original proposed salary level which was around $47,000 but now redone at a new level of around 35,000 and goes into effect on January 1
anon
Was just redone, but at a significantly lower salary threshold than originally.
Anonymous
They are correct and you should have already been non-exempt.
Anonymous
I worked at a firm for four years where we basically block billed. All transactional, we spent 3-5 hours per task (for example – preparing someone’s complex estate plan, knock out the first drafts in a four hour chunk).
Drafted trust, will, and power of attorney; researched New York guardianship law; email client regarding beneficiary. 4 hours
I lateraled to a new firm last year. Not much insurance work but a totally different billing philosophy. That same day should have five time entries:
initial draft of will. 0.75 hrs
Initial draft of power of attorney. 0.4 hours
Initial draft of trust. 1.5 hrs
Research NY guardianship law. 1.25 hrs.
Email client re beneficiary. 0.1 hrs.
It has been really hard for me to break my block bill habit. I use timers so I think I need to close them rather than start/stop. Any tips to break my habit? I’m open to advice that is specific to billing practices, or in general for a long term habit.
Anon
Also a timer user. Our software (only one I’m familiar with) let’s us submit the time entry but not finalize it – the button is right near the start/stop button. If yours is similar, I think you can try to train yourself to hit submit instead of start/stop.
anon
I put it all in a single entry or note and have my assistant figure it out.
Ms B
I roll old school on this. I made a form that breaks my day from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. down into tenth of an hour increments. I keep a stack of them on my desk and each day start a new one, noting tasks performed as I go and then inputting (or dictating because: old school) the entries at a later point.
That said, I work in a practice area where block billing and quarter hour increments have gone the way of the dinos and my practice is such that I average 25+ entries a day, so a system like this is essential to make sure that I do not lose time.
Life Wisdom?
What do you wish you had known in your thirties? About life? Work? Health? Love? Finances? What would you tell yourself or others turning 30s if you could?
Anon
I’m only in my 30s now, but what I can already tell is that it’s not worth it to put everything you have into your work. You can give a company undying loyalty and 90% of your waking hours and they’ll still toss you out if the economy or a new CEO calls for it. I’m grateful to my parents and relatives for modeling healthy work-life balance and helping me develop substantive hobbies that give me a purpose outside of work. On that note, I sometimes feel that people work a lot because they don’t know what else they like to do. It’s worth exploring that and developing new interests.
Anonymous
Yes and no.
If you were some Instragram Influencer, you’d build your brand. I think you have to do that, but in a way that makes sense for a person with a job (write an article, so you can put it on your Linked In, that way, if you get sacked, some other employer will see that you have hustle and take initiative and have expertise). Serve on small volunteer boards for things you love b/c the experience is good to have (even though it may all be fundraising in the end). Things like that.
And work all you can and get all the $ you can because compounding is no joke and you’ll be happy for the flexibility $ will give you later in life. Within reason, but don’t work to spend. Invest in your future (including your future happiness and stability) in any way possible.
NOLA
Not to get married just because I thought I should be married at that age. Huge mistake.
Anon
Front load your savings/investments as much as you can. 19k put into retirement at 30 matters much more than the same 19k at 39 (though obviously don’t hesitate at 39 because that’s still more compounding years than at 45).
If income allows, try to have a separate investment account that isn’t for retirement specifically and contribute to it regularly. That’s what will fund an early retirement, starting a business, or other “extras” that you may want later in life.
Like the above poster says — work hard enough obviously to make money/move up, but don’t dedicate your life to your job. Most women don’t get rewarded for that (I don’t think most men to either – but maybe more than women). Employers have no problem canning you, not promoting you etc. and when they do they conveniently forget all the weekends you worked and how much money you made them. Unfortunately this started young for me — at 33 — so I became jaded about work early (whereas I had fully expected age discrimination/push outs to commence in my 40s as that’s what happened to many of my family members over the years).
Original Moonstone
It’s not too late to make changes. I hear way too many women say they think it’s too late to change careers (or spouses). Make a plan and start moving in the direction you want to go.
Anonymous
I applied for an in-house position and had two promising interviews with the company. I’ve now been informed that I’ll have to take a Hogan assessment online. I’d never heard of it before but I did some quick googling. Does anyone have any experience or advice with this type of assessment? Thanks!
Anonymous
I’m not familiar with it, but I’m told it’s a fairly common HR assessment to do. My general counsel was literally just in my office telling me about how our company used to do it, and a candidate he had tried to hire didn’t do well on it, and then they also failed the drug test. And that is why he is no longer in charge of hiring.
Anonymous
Should I attend an event hosted by my prior firm? I didn’t leave on good terms. I received an invitation from a former coworker who I got along with (though we don’t socialize outside the office). I was surprised to be invited. I left almost 4 years ago and I haven’t had much contact with anyone since. Usually I would go to these things but I feel awkward because I wasn’t well liked while I was there and, despite them clearly wanting me to leave, the office took my departure pretty hard. What would you do?
AFT
Do you want to go? I go to some events hosted by my former firm that I was pushed out of because I like the people I see there (mostly peers and those who didn’t do the pushing) and the content of the program is valuable to me (e.g., good CLE, helpful networking, etc.) Here, it sounds like there’s not much of a draw for you? If it’s more likely to be awkward than any value you’d get from it, I’d just skip it with a “Sorry, can’t make this one, thanks for the invitation!” and if true “…but I’d love to catch up over coffee another time. [personal message].”
Anonymous
I got the “you need to be gone from here in 3 months” push out from my old firm and they invite me to alumni events. I think the push-out is nothing personal after a while (b/c it was BigLaw, I was looking for my next job from after the first year, so I always had opportunities on the back and front burner in mind). I’d go to their events to network and see people if I were in the same city, but I’ve moved away.
NBA / China
I love how Nike and all of Big $ports is all “follow your principles even if they mean sacrificing everything unless it involves China.”
Seriously disgusted with the NBA and China right now. We’re really brave with our t-shirt slogans until $ is at stake. Then it’s “never heard of them Uighurs or that Tibet place.” Hong Kong? Don’t you mean Greater China?
anon
on the flip side, I was impressed to read that Rihanna turned down the NFL Superbowl half time show over ethical concerns.
Anonymous
Should I have a talk with the head of a nonprofit I’m involved in? I’m one of a couple of lawyers on the board. The president of the org will occasionally ask us to do substantive legal work, like review and edit contracts or bylaws. I’ve talked to my firm about it and, based on their direction, advised the president that I can point out issues they should address with their GC, but I cannot provide (free) substantive legal advice.
Recently, the president asked me to review another contract. I was in an extremely hectic period at work (gearing up for trial), was feeling really overwhelmed, so I told her I’m sorry but due to work commitments I can’t get to this for at least 3 weeks, you might want to talk to your GC in the interim. The president then pressed me to do the review much sooner, I reiterated that I will get back to her on X date (3 weeks from then). She sent another email pressing the issue again and I ignored it. I’m pretty annoyed that she kept after me after I explained that I’m under water at work; I’m not the only biglaw lawyer who’s served on this board so I feel like she should be a little more in tune with the demands of this job. Idk if I should continue exactly what I did – create boundaries and stick to them – or if this warrants a broader conversation?
mascot
I’d bring this to the chair of board and explain that you can’t/won’t provide free legal advice and ask them how to proceed with the director.
If you want to provide them with legal advice, can you sign them up as a client, assuming you can meet your board’s conflict of interest policy? Would they qualify as a candidate for your firm’s pro bono program?
hi hi hi
My Firm’s policy is that if you are a director on the board, you cannot provide legal services to the organization. So, my advice would be to blame it on your Firm.
OP
Just to clarify – I already did this. Per my firm’s directions, I told them I can point out things to be reviewed with the GC but that’s it. So, the president is asking me to do that. I just couldn’t at that time because I was very busy at work.
Anonymous
Then say no better. You’re doing too much. “Yup contracts need to be reviewed.” Thats all
Anon
but Isn’t even that legal advice? You are de facto saying some things are fine and don’t need to be reviewed
Anonymous
I think it warrants a conversation. You may not be the right board member for them – they may really need a lawyer that can offer pro bono advice.
Anonymous
PS – I commend you for being as clear as you have been already. I think the fault lies on the nonprofit’s side, but obviously something is not getting through to them. Have a conversation about what expectations for your role on both sides.
Annie
Be super wary of conflict issues. At a CLE a couple years ago, the director of the Colorado Attorney Regulation Counsel was highly skeptical that this could be done while following the ethics rules. I found an old Bar Association article (cached – have to scroll down): https://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:b8fPMcDP4NUJ:https://apps.americanbar.org/buslaw/blt/2008-11-12/boyd.shtml+&cd=4&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us
Anonymous
Has anyone gotten rhinoplasty as an adult? I am strongly considering it, but would prefer to not have to be in public/at work while I’m obviously post-op. I’m a litigator and can WFH entirely if I don’t have court/depos. And I can have others cover my court appearances if needed. I am just wondering how long the “obviously post-op” period is?
anon
i did it right before college and would never do it again. i thought the recovery was soo soo painful. i honestly only did it because i actually had to have a deviated septum fixed (this was my 4th sinus surgery in an attempt to fix my breathing issues) and so it didn’t cost that much extra. this was 16 years ago now so technologies might have changed since then. i would take at least a week off of not working at all and then work a week or two from home.
Is it Friday yet?
I did it before law school, also with a deviated septum repair, and I didn’t find it to be a big deal, would def do again. I felt crappy for the first day, then just congested for a bit – the only thing that really sucked was having the packing removed, and that was a one time, thirty second thing. Otherwise, I felt fine, had zero visible bruising, and I think I had to wear a splint on my nose for about a week? Once the splint was off, no one would have known. I don’t tend to bruise easily in general, though, so if you do you might have a different visible recovery period.
anon
Similar to above posters, I also did it with a deviated septum repair and recovery was quick (I was extremely young, only 21 – I’m sure if it happened now the recovery would be longer). I had to wear a splint for about one week to ten days, so I didn’t really go out much during that period. Technology may have improved by now, though. Very happy I did it, i was always annoyed with my nose when I’d look in the mirror (felt like it occupied too much real estate on my face) and was much happier afterward.
Jane
I did it when I was 30 for purely cosmetic reasons and, 10 years later, I’m still so glad I did. I did it the week before Thanksgiving, took off the week of Thanksgiving, and returned the following Monday. I didn’t need any pain meds and recovery was no big deal. I remember I couldn’t wear my glasses for several weeks (used contacts) and had to keep my blood pressure down for a month or so (which basically just meant no exercise).
Changing my nose improved my face dramatically. I only wish I’d done it sooner. I’ve never done any other plastic surgery.
Anon
How honest are you when you have to take a (supposedly anonymous) employee satisfaction survey? My instinct would be to not participate unless I had positive comments to share but my boss has told us we have to participate.
anon
I tend towards honesty, with the caveat that I don’t say stuff that can be assigned to me personally. That also means if your direct boss will see the feedback of their five reports, it is pretty easy to identify people, so I would hold back for sure.
If you genuinely think there is a particular thing your workplace does better than others, that can be valuable feedback too.
Coach Laura
Yes, I was in a work group of four once, with one LBTGQ guy and we all selected “transgender” so they couldn’t connect comments with people. This was for a large international bank and there were questions about work and life and it would have been very easy to trace who wrote what.
Anonymous
I’ve been very very honest in the past with no repercussions.
Parfait
Ha, we just got an “anonymous” survey and I was looking it over. There are labels on the various sections. There’s a “rank from 1 to 10” section that is headed “Values by Anonymous” and under that there is a section of freeflow questions headed “Comments by Parfait T. Dessert.”
I won’t be commenting this time around!
In the past I have thrown in some small grammatical errors and misspellings into my comments to throw people off.