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These are so not my colors, but man do I love this scarf. The ethereal way the white spiderwebs across it… the orange and purple flames… it feels textured and rich. Love it. The scarf is $150 at Saks. Tilo Flame Wool & Silk Scarf
Here's a lower-priced option from Anthropologie.
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Anonymous
I have a terrible cold sore, and I just hate how embarrased I feel, even though I’ve had them since I was a kid, not because I hooked up with too many people. Any quick remedies for the pain while I wait for it to go down?
West Coast
Same here. The best thing I have found, although it is probably too late for you now, is: when you feel the cold sore coming on, scratch your lip with your nail / edge of a spoon and break the skin a little bit (not to where there is blood, but definitely some redness). It jump-starts the internal healing and many times they will go away before breaking the surface, or barely break the surface. It is also a help if you feel it spreading.
Otherwise, I tend to use a mix of Abreva and Neosporin, and take lots of vitamin C.
Anon
I got a treatment for one from my dentist called Viroxyn. It made it clear up in less than a day (though I hid out during that day, because it did kind of swell up. . .) Otherwise, Abreva, Neosporin, and Erythromycin pills and ointment from the doctor all help. Applying ice also helps.
been there
By promoting the false stereotype that people who have herpes (yes, that’s what cold sores are) have them because they “hooked up with too many people” you are reinforcing the stigma that’s causing you embarrassment.
Come on, aren’t we adults? Can’t we talk about STIs without implying that most people (but not you, of course), who have them are sluts?
Effie
This. A thousand times.
tesyaa
like
Anne
Cold sores are not necessarily STI’s.
Anon&on
Lots of (all?) STIs are transmittable in other ways. The point stands.
been there
Cold sores are herpes. It may not have been s3xually transmitted in this case, but that doesn’t change the fact that herpes is an STI. Nor does it change the truth of what I said.
Pro-tip, all you ladies with oral herpes: you CAN transmit it to your partner’s genitals. Be careful! About 50% of new genital herpes cases are HSV-I, the type that most commonly causes oral herpes.
OP might have another type of sore on her lip and is incorrectly calling it a cold sore. But I doubt that.
Anonymous
The best thing is to have a dermatologist inject cortisone into it…it will calm it right down. I’ve done that when the cold sore is very visible and I’ve felt really self-conscious. You can also get a prescription for Valtrex or the generic version…Valtrex works in 5 days whereas the generic version takes 10 days, but as I recall Valtrex was quite expensive.
Blonde Lawyer
I don’t get cold sores but I do get cracks in the corner of my mouth from dryness that get red and crusty (sorry for the visual). I’ve noticed other people that get them as well. My point is, people that see your red spot on your lip might not jump to “cold sore” as a conclusion. They might think it is just winter cracking or that you bit your lip or something.
Mpls
I don’t know that I’ve ever noticed anyone having a cold sore, or if I did, thought about where/why they have it. I just don’t stare at people’s mouths that much.
At most, I might notice if your lips were bright red and would probably chalk that up to winter dryness. Other people are far less interested in your stuff than you are.
Jennifer
I’ve taken Lysine (an amino acid, available in the vitamin aisle) and found it helpful , but it could be all placebo effect. The theory is it interrupts some receptor in the cold sore process, so you take a large dose once a day until it goes away.
anne-on
Ice, lots of ice. Alcohol wipes will help dry it out a bit. If its on your lip and you really want to cover it up (and its in the crusted stage) lipstick won’t hurt as long as you don’t mind tossing the tube afterwards.
Anon
I feel your pain! I just thwarted one last week. The only thing that helps me reliably is tea tree oil. Dab on a bit with a q tip when you first feel it, and it blocks the virus. Sometimes for me it goes away entirely, but more frequently I have a much smaller (usually imperceptible to others) cold sore with a faster healing time. It smells like a eucalyptus nightmare, though, so it’s a bit of a trade off. I don’t do it anytime near work, because it is a really strong scent. Also, lysine, ice, and Tylenol if it is swelling. Good luck.
Valtrex!
I’m late to the party here, but a prescription for Valtrex from your doctor can keep them from ever breaking the surface. 2 when you feel the tingling that you feel when they’re coming, and 1 12 hours later. (My derm prescribed it in HS as a somewhat off label use. Life changing.)
Also, I resent the implication that they’re always an STI. I’ve been getting them my entire life, and that would have added even more embarrassment to what was already a mortifying situation in elementary school/junior high. Yes, they’re herpes, but you can get cold sores from simply drinking after someone who has one. Both my parents get them, and my grandparents too.
SoCal Gal
Cold sore inside your mouth? Rinse with Listerine two to three times daily. Cold sores should disappear soon. Don’t have to waste money on creams and such.
Zelda
If it’s inside the mouth, it’s much more likely to be a canker sore, not a cold sore.
Nice Cube
TJ – My Banana Republic sunglasses broke! One arm popped out of its slot and it seems like an easy fix. Does anyone have experience with BR customer service/repairs? It does not seem like they will fix them, but I was wondering if any of the ladies here have any insider info.
I'm Just Me
If BR won’t fix them, most of the mall glasses place will fix them for free (Sears, JCP, Visionworks, etc). If it just needs a new screw you can buy a little kit at the drugstore and repair them yourself as well.
Katie
Gap et al. does not care one whit about customer service or quality assurance. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re SOL with them. I agree that you should head to a glasses shop or pick up a repair kit.
Radical shape shifter
I need some tips for how to basically deal with about 5% of my wardrobe actually fitting. I’ve lost a lot of weight somewhat suddenly, and to complicate things, my shape has actually shifted around such that some of the smaller items I have already also don’t fit any more. After keeping the weight off for the last 4 months or so (and with a plan, I hope, to commit to keeping it off), I realized I really need more pants that fit than a $7 pair of Forever 21 jeans and some leggings.
I feel like I’ve tried on every sort of cheap pair of pants at places like H&M, Old Navy, even more expensive places too. But I feel like nothing seems to be working on me and I feel nervous to be spending $75+ on single items I might not be able to use for very long in case the weight does come back. I thought about inventorying my closet to see what some critical gaps are, buying maybe 5-6 anchor items and hoping that might hold me over until I know if this shape shift is more permanent.
Any tips for you how dealt with a radical wardrobe shift, balancing wanting to keep costs down but needing things to wear because truly almost nothing fits?
Anonymous
I wore a lot of wrap dresses for a while, they’re really forgiving and flattering
Carrie
2nd hand stores?
And then slowly collect those critical anchor items, and choose generous cuts/fabrics so that that a little weight fluctuation is forgiven. For example, skirts over pants. A line skirts over hip hugging. Wide leg pants rather than straight etc.. Things that drape. You can always add belts to accent your waist, and adjust as necessary.
Katie
In addition to thrift stores (because I never have any luck finding anything good in my very typical size in a large urban area), I highly recommend looking at eBay and other secondhand online retailers like Thred Up. Just check that whichever vendor you’re buying from has a good return policy.
If you end up getting spendier items and then only being able to get to wear them for a short period of time, I’ve had good luck recouping around 30-50% (or more at times) of the price I paid back by selling items on eBay. J Crew sells like hotcakes, as do in-stock items from Nordstrom.
Anon Lawyer
What type of clothes do you need? Work clothes? Casual clothes? Maybe some more guidance can help people suggest stores.
FWIW, I find pants to be difficult to fit shifting body sizes so I don’t really have any, with the exception of a few pairs of jeans with stretch. skirts and dresses tend to be more flattering.
Tibby
+1. I went through some weight changes (in both directions) my first few years in BigLaw thanks to stress, and I basically didn’t wear pants for two years. I’ve found that dresses, especially wrap dresses, are more capable of spanning sizes than pants.
Anon
Wear dresses and skirts. They’re forgiving. Your regular skirt can become a high waisted skirt if you gain a few pounds.
Unicorn
Doesn’t that make the skirt shorter on though?
Radical shape shifter
I need work clothes, desperately. Most of my tops and blouses are okay, but some are comically baggy to wear. But I generally am okay there. A few of my jackets are tolerable, but sadly most of them also look comically large at this point.
I have few dresses because they were always the first not to fit when I was gaining weight. So I stopped buying them. The idea of getting some wrap dresses might not be a bad idea, as the shift dresses I have look like sacks now and the more fitted ones don’t really fit on account of my shape/measurments shifting.
Both skirts and pants, for the most part, are too large as well. I have a few serviceable pencil skirts but many are just falling off my hips now or ride so low the hems are beyond my knees. I need pants because it gets cold here and they are more comfortable to me sometimes.
Literally the wardrobe I’ve spent years building is almost entirely non-functional now, so I just feel at a loss as to how to find some sort of solution to deal with it.
Anon in NYC
The dresses that look like sacks – take them to a tailor and have them altered. It’s an easy and quick way to revamp your wardrobe.
Anon
I think it depends on the quality of some of your clothing, but it might be worth it to have some items tailored instead of replaced. I lost weight recently, but was hesitant to give up my favorite suits (liked the overall cut, fabric, color, etc…) so I had the skirts and jackets tailored. It was not expensive to have pencil skirts taken in at the waist, the jackets did cost more, but I found it worth it to not have to replace everything at this point.
I'm super cheap ...
Not that expensive is relative. I recently lost weight and the lowest price I could find for alterations was $42 for a pencil skirt with a back zipper and $52 for one with a side zipper. These were The Skirt that I had purchased on sale. I went and bought new skirts. I priced everyone from the fancy tailor in my town to the local dry cleaner.
Washington DC area.
Rogue Banker
Seconding the consignment and second hand stores. It takes a little bit of looking, but I’ve found Ann Taylor cashmere for $10 before, as well as some really nice blazers – which can be worn over a slightly-too-big dress to hide the fit issues. :)
Other than that, knits over woven fabric, skirts over pants, belts are your friend to hold things up/in, and wrap dresses are everything. Good luck!
Lynnet
Basically the only place I can find work pants that fit is at goodwill. I usually end up getting decent brands (BR, Ann Taylor) but the ability to pull everything from every brand in any of the four sizes I might possibly be at any given time/in any given brand is amazing. I highly recommend it, not just for the price, but for the ability to try on a bunch of different brands at once to figure out what size you are in what brand.
Anonymous
Go to Nordstrom/similar dept store. Get a personal shopper. Call ahead and explain that you’ve recently lost a lot of weight and you need a capsule wardrobe for your new size. Under $75 for a good pair of work pants isn’t reasonable unless you want to do a ton of leg work.
Radical shape shifter
Didn’t think about personal shopper route. Might try that. However, while I realize that at some point I might just need to spend the money and buy a few pairs of AT/BR level type pants at $75-100/pair, I can’t afford a capsule wardrobe of $150+ pieces, I mean even 5 or 6 of those could be upwards of $1000 which is a lot to spend if I gain weight back. Will probably try to hit black Friday sales and thrift stores more frequently and maaayyybeee tailor some items and ask them to leave seams as able.
Burgher
I went through a similar situation last year. After my weight finally stabilized, I ended up finding one style of pants at Ann Taylor that fit well, and then buying them in several different colors that would not be noticeable if they were worn frequently like black and charcoal. I got the price down a lot by opening a charge while there was already a big sale, and could also use the discount at Loft that day, so was able to get a ton of staples for a good price.
Anon
You could still do the personal shopper route. Go to a store like Nordstrom, get recommendations for a number of items. Then buy one or two so you don’t feel like you are wasting the shopper’s time, but then hold off on the rest til you can find them on black friday sale.
Supporting your parents financially
I know I’ve read on here before discussions about supporting your parents financially – does anyone know if there was a post, or just discussion in the comments? Or any other resources you’ve found helpful?
I fear that we may have to support my parents at some point, or at the very least, become more involved in their finances so that we don’t end up needing to support them later on. They have always had lower paying jobs and have had a series of life misfortunes that ended up putting them in debt.
However, I do think there are things they could do to help themselves out that they aren’t doing. Has anyone brought this up with their parents? I don’t want to sound ungrateful for everything they did for me, or sound like I’m coming from a place of judgment.
Also just generally looking for commiseration. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I look down on my parents for being poor, when it’s (mostly) not their fault. And I feel like an impostor in my upper-middle class life now, since I grew up poor.
January
I can’t offer any advice as to your specific situation, but I think you’re recalling a discussion in the comments. I’d check to see whether your employer offers an employee assistance program – I know my parents have benefited from this in dealing with their aging parents. Good luck.
roses
I’m in a somewhat similar boat. I’m looking into taking out a long-term care insurance policy for them.
Wildkitten
Could you get them a financial planner as a gift – someone to go through their finances and help them set things up for themselves? That seems like the kind of thing they wouldn’t want to spend their limited finances on but might be really helpful.
roses
I probably wouldn’t recommend this if her parents are in debt already. There’s not much a financial planner can do if they simply don’t have finances with which they can make a plan.
hoola hoopa
Agreed, roses. I’m in a similar boat and don’t see this working with my parents.
I wish I had better advice, though. I have only commiseration. We recently relocated with their future partly in mind (closer to them, potential extra living space, etc). My parents are retired but still in good enough health and mind to see themselves as too young to start including me, so I’ve been trying to walk the line between staying uninvolved but offering advice.
Are they already on social security/medicare? If not, when the time comes make sure they see an advisor before finalizing. Lots of non-profits specializing in the elderly have them. I was amazed by the options and ramifications of the selections and was so thankful they had someone trustworthy and well-informed to assist them.
Anonymous
On another note, does anyone have any tips for assisting parents who “don’t want to be a burden” but could clearly use the help? I have tried every tack I can think of, all of which are along the lines of “you need to let us do this for you as a favour to us – we just worry about you, love you and want to do this for our own peace of mind”, which is totally true.
We are in the fabulously luxurious position of being able to change my in-laws lives considerably without any appreciable effect upon our own standard of living. I think they have always had to live so frugally they just can’t conceive that this is the reality and so, from afar, we watch them compromise and struggle far more than they really should have to.
I love that my husband can, and wants, to help them, and have tried time and again to convey to them that it would truly be a favour to him, but they are dead set against it. They are safe and don’t require any social welfare interventions but we sure could make their day-to-day lives more easy and enjoyable if they’d let us.
Any brilliant ideas greatly appreciated! I may post on the weekend to see if any of you lovely ladies have successfully navigated this particular minefield. My people-whispering skills are just a fail here!
Anon for Frustrating ILs
Maybe you can help by essentially sending/providing them with consumables. Fruit of the Month, Steaks/Meat, etc. Maybe you could even set up a situation where cleaning supplies arrive at their doorstep via amazons programs. If they won’t accept your monetary help, consumables may be the better route.
We have thought about sending grocery store gift cards on a regular basis, something you might consider.
Sadly, in my case, both sets have not planned well at all. One is in worse shape than the others – or just claims to be – so we ended up finally just giving a monthly “allowance” for them to do whatever with. We found that all the gifts we sent (incl. consumable food) were just given to others so the recipient could “look good.” Not that they said that, mind you. But they managed to let it slip out that so-and-so or at some event our consumables were utilized. We’ve suggested they use the monthly cash for bills, doctors, rx, whatever…but we suspect it is used for frivolous items, gifts to others and grandkids…etc. So in our mind we have to say … it’s up to them.
Side benefit is that when they want more (incessantly so) and gives a specific cause/reason/need, we can defer to “that’s why we give you xxxx each month.” Otherwise, the demands just keep on coming .
It’s been hard to accept that they are not going to be proactive, arenot going to suddenly start budgeting, and are not going to change her lifestyle to fit their government income (Medicare) – never at a job long enough to have pensions/retirement fund programs. They also are not going to give us info on their finances, so any opportunity to help further is impossible – by our personal requirements and their refusal to disclose.
Happiness to you in your parents which are open with you!
Anonymous
Thank you for this. The grocery cards are a great idea. Consumables maybe not so much as they are rather elderly and it’s hard to know how long they would take to eat things up and I wouldn’t want to clutter up their small space with things I’m not positive they need. They would apparently be mortified by cash or a cheque.
I feel for you with your worries which make mine seem like a blessing in not-a-very-good-disguise. Your parents and in-laws are so lucky to have you!
Zelda
I need to upgrade my casual clothes. I currently get most of them from TJ Maxx, so they vary in quality. I would like to remain mostly in bucket 2 (with some splurges/saves from 1 and 3), but I feel like many of my former bucket 2 favs have decreased in quality while increasing in price over the last decade or so (looking at you BR and AT/AT Loft). What casual clothing do you think is actually worth the sticker price? Specific items of clothing or stores in general would be great.
I’ll start! I recently bought the Hue ultra wide waistband leggings that have been mentioned here and love them! They’re completely opaque, good quality, comfortable (through 12 hour flights!) and the waistband helps smooth everything out for those of us who are completely flat in the tummy area. I’ve washed them several times and they seem to be holding up well through regular wash and drying on delicate. They’re a little on the long side for the taller ladies and for those of us who are shorter Nordstrom will hem them for free if you buy them there. Totally worth it!
Anonymous
I feel like Ann Taylor, Bananna Republic, and Loft are 100% worth what I pay for them. I don’t pay a lot for them and they last what I pay for.
I think we have radically skewed ideas about how much quality clothes should cost.
Stop buying outlet merch made for discount stores and I think you’ll see an increase in quality.
mmm
Agreed. I see BR criticized on here all the time, but I really like it. I always use a 40% off coupon, at least, and for that price, I’m very pleased with the quality and the style.
Anonymous
I have the found the quality of H&M, The Limited and Old Navy to be at least as good, if not better than, Ann Taylor, Loft and Banana Republic and their prices are usually a bit better, especially compared to BR/AT. They are Bucket 1 in terms of price but I would rather buy them than Bucket 2 because the quality is better than many of the things I’ve tried in Bucket 2. The one caveat to this is Old Navy’s sizing is insane and varies wildly (e.g., the same item in the same size in different colors may fit totally differently) but once you find pieces that fit they hold up fairly well.
Woods-comma-Elle
I’ve been invited to a partner’s house for Thanksgiving (I’ll be away from home and there was no feasible way to get out of it). Partner is nice enough but this seems super awkward – any tips on making it less awkward? Presumably I should bring something? Most importantly, I have no idea what to wear! Help!
tesyaa
It may not be as awkward as you think, if there will be a couple of dozen people there. I agree if it’s just you and his family it would be weird, but it’s quite likely there will be a variety of friends and acquaintances.
If you want to bring something, wine, flowers, candy/nuts or a small dessert are probably all appropriate. Others can weigh in.
Thanksgiving is a casual holiday. If it’s your boss, I wouldn’t wear sweatpants and sneakers, but heels and hose are not required and would look out of place.
Anonymous
In my house everyone dresses for dinner on Thanksgiving. I’d suggest a day dress that’s comfy over jeans.
tesyaa
True, dress varies by family and by location!
Anonymous
This is really not awkward. Wear a dress, tights, and shoes. Bring chocolates in a pretty box, unless you want to show off your cooking skills, in which case ask the partner “ok I I bring family specialty x?” Go. Talk to people. Feast. Thanksgiving is custom made for including random people at the table.
NYNY
Will you be in NYC? If so, pro tip: it’s good to wear layers. NY apartments, even fancy partner apartments, can get hot when entertaining in winter. The oven has likely been going for hours, there are extra people, and radiator heat is hard to control. I once wore a lovely cashmere sweater and wool pants to a winter dinner party and nearly died of heatstroke!
Bring a bottle of wine. Dress nicely, but casually. You’ll have fun!
Woods-comma-Elle
Good tip – country pile in CT!
anne-on
Hahahaha, spot on term for a certain set of old money (or aspiring) CT folks. Are you renting a car or are you being picked up from the train? Train schedules from Grand Central won’t be as quick as normal on Thanksgiving, and be prepared for a long ride (45 minutes plus) and insane crowds on the trains that day. I’d spring for a rental if at all possible to allow yourself to avoid the holiday commuter crowds.
Preppy chic will probably be the norm – nice slacks and a pretty top, or designer jeans with a pretty blouse. Women will likely be very groomed (blowouts, nails, tasteful makeup and expensive but understated jewelry). I’d offer to bring up good bread or desert from the city, options in CT aren’t as good.
Woods-comma-Elle
This is a good point – I was thinking train, but I’m from London and nobody drives anywhere ever, so I think what you’re saying is a really good point!
anne-on
If you do drive, you can ask the partner for directions, but I’d suggest taking the west side highway to the Henry Hudson, then the cross county pkwy to the hutch/merritt as opposed to the GWB to 95, its much much faster.
tesyaa
With any luck, others will be coming from the city and you can get a ride from them/share a ride with them.
mascot
I’d err on the side of business casual -skirt/slacks with a sweater or comfortable dress. Wedges or flats, not heels. There will be a ton of food and likely some lounging about somewhere other than the dining room table. So you’ll want to be comfortable. Wine or champagne would be nice to bring. If you don’t want to bring alcohol, a nice candle or nice chocolates. Think of it like a dinner party.
Lorelai Gilmore
Kind of an off-beat idea, but you might bring a game – something like Bananagrams that’s easy to learn and accessible for groups.
I agree that nice chocolates or wine are the right gift to bring. I’d ask if you can bring anything for the meal.
mascot
Oh, a game is a nice idea or maybe a puzzle, especially if there are kids.
Woods-comma-Elle
Thanks everyone – I’m thinking I will bring some nice shortbread over from the UK…
LilyStudent
Shortbread is always popular in my experience. I’d be tempted to also take one of the fancy M&S tins of chocolate teacakes after their starring role in the Commonwealth Games opener.
Idea
Once we went to A Rich Family’s Thanksgiving, and my husband brought his semi-famous homemade chocolate chip cookies, and a waiter/caterer answered the door and took the cookies in a tupperware container and we saw them later that evening on Fancy Plate at the Catered Dessert Bar with tiny silver tongs. They were delicious.
Anon
Chiming in a little late, but I’m the daughter of a lawyer and we often had associates who were far from home join us at Thanksgiving. Be prepared to talk about non-work interests (opening line at our table was often “so, what do you like to do besides being a lawyer?”) and relax. It will be fun!
Away Game
In my dream life where I own these and they fit properly, I would wear a pair of camel colored wool pants, stacked-heel oxfords, a cashmere sweater in ivory, and a muted but pretty scarf or long necklace. Nice but not “business.” Hair down, with tasteful gold earrings. If I knew the partner drank alcohol, I would bring a respectable bottle of pinot noir (that the guy at the wine store would have to help me pick, admittedly). Or flowers that don’t have a strong scent.
Amelia Bedelia
I am receiving a pretty major bonus this year in line with a pretty major promotion. I am beyond excited and want to splurge to mark the occasion. The husband and I are taking a trip, but I also want to buy something. I am thinking a purse. I would like a basic/classic bag that I can use for years to come. I’d prefer to spend under 5k. can anyone give me some suggestions on brands, etc? I know next to nothing about designers. Until now the most expensive bag I have owned is Kate Spade . . .
Anon
Prada would be my choice!
nutella
sounds like an excuse for chanel to me! congrats!
Anonymous
Basic for work or basic casual? My absolute favorite basic casual bag is Balenciaga City – it is phenomenal and goes with anything. I love mine so much! If you are looking for a work bag, I like Prada and some Louis Vuitton (Marly, for example, or Alma).
Amelia Bedelia
work! thanks for the option. I love the Marly!
Anonymous
If I had 5K to spend on a bag I would get a Celine bag… but I really know nothing about bags in that price range as my most expensive bag is Michael Kors.
KinCA
If I had 5K to spend on a bag I would get a Celine bag… but I really know nothing about bags in that price range as my most expensive bag is Michael Kors.
AN
Bottega veneta hobo.
LilyStudent
PSA – next summer’s Boden collection is lovely. The Breton top colours especially are top-notch. Link to follow
LilyStudent
http://www.bodenpreview.co.uk/
Hollis Doyle
I’m married and we have a preschooler. I’ve been taking BC pills regularly and was supposed to start my period last Sunday, but it’s now 9 days late and no sign of it. I’ve taken 2 pregnancy tests and both were negative, which I expected. What could be causing my missing period? No diet/exercise/medication/stress changes or anything else significant happened in the last month. I’m especially bummed because I was planning to go off BC this months so we could start TTC, but now my cycle is really off. Any thoughts/suggestions?
EE
Have you resumed taking active pills? You are unlikely to get now if you are taking active pills.
Anonymous
Did you start up your new BC pack? If not no reason you can’t stop using birth control right now. Call your doctor and ask re : missing period. Prob not a big deal.
AnonLawMom
Please read Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
Idea
This happened to me, and the doctor said wait a week and call us again. The next day, I got it.
I know that’s not helpful. If it shows up, and you test neg for pregnancy hormones, then there’s no way they can tell you what happened unless you continue to be irregular (hope not!)
Could be stress, time change, anything. Good luck.
anon
I’m feeling really sad. My grandparents’ memories are going, and it seems to be happening really quickly. They’re in their late 80s, so I guess it’s to be expected, but it’s scary to see. We’re pretty sure my grandfather has Alzheimer’s. My grandmother has absolutely no short-term memory, although both of them still seem to have their long-term memories for the most part.
Anyway, I know there’s nothing I can do about it, and they’ve had a long and happy life together. But it seems like it’s only going to get worse (I mean, how could it get better?), and it’s scary and sad to see. Plus, it’s such a burden on my mom and uncles. They keep telling my grandparents they shouldn’t be living independently, but my grandparents don’t want to hear it.
Has anyone been through anything similar? Any coping mechanisms or advice?
mascot
We’ve been through this with several family members. The long term memories are the last to go in dementia from what I have seen. From a practical standpoint, is someone else keeping an eye on their finances, are there powers of attorney and healthcare proxies in places, is the home safe to live in, is someone able to accompany them to doctors appointments, etc. See if there is a state or local agency for aging services in your area. If they are still driving, look at whether that is still safe.
Assisted living is great if they can afford it. Personal companion/home aides might be able to help with some of the activities of daily living if they need those. See if they qualify for senior meal delivery services; nutrition is hard to manage for elderly dementia patients. We eventually convinced our family members to try assisted living on a trial basis. A bad fall or a health scare sometimes provided the extra motivation to move.
WJM-TV
I’m sorry. Memory loss is hard on the person and the family. My grandmother’s memory (at 92) comes and goes. One day, she remembers back decades — the next, can’t remember how to do daily tasks.
Sort of advice — Record them talking about their long term memories — ask them about their childhood. If you can’t record them somehow, write it down. It’s important to keep that family history — ask about their parents, etc., genealogy.
In my family, the younger generation (my parents/aunts/uncles) took charge at a certain point. My uncle moved in with my dad’s mom, and helped take care of her until she passed away. My grandma has lived with my aunt for over 20 years.
I’m in my late 20s, but I’m already mentally preparing myself for helping to take care of my parents eventually, whether that’s decision making or having them live with me (and my hypothetical husband/family).
The baton has to be passed to the kids to take care of the parents. Have those conversations before something scary (like a fall, etc) happens.
NYNY
When my grandmother and DH’s grandfather were in the early stages of dementia, it was actually great to spend time with them because they both shared old stories, many of which we had never heard. It’s sad, because you know that their minds are fading, but there is a sweet golden period where the old memories are very present. Try to get time in now to enjoy it, and you will learn a lot about your grandparents’ lives.
Anonymous
It is sad. I have no real advice but I have been (am going through) the same thing now with my mom’s mom. Her memory problems did not show up until she was in her mid-80s and now at 92 she’s getting to the point where she’s losing awareness of her surroundings and the ability to recognize close family members. She was already in a retirement home when her memory problems started happening, so moving her into assisted living was just a matter of moving down the hall rather than across town/across the country, so that helped. She now needs a 24-hour caretaker. It’s a huge emotional burden on my mom and her siblings as well as a financial burden.
This seems to be increasingly common as medical advances further and further extend our lifetimes. Based on seeing what’s happened with my friends’ grandparents, dementia in your mid-late 80s is very common and hardly anyone lives into their 90s with their mental capabilities in tact. The vast majority of people I know who have escaped it died before 80. Given that they’re saying babies born today will likely live past 100, it makes me really wonder how our society is going to handle the practical and emotional burdens of so many people living for so long with dementia.
roses
Yes. The best advice I’ve ever gotten was to “meet them where they are.” This is hard to do if they only have marginal memory loss, but if they start to get to the point where they think they’re in a different time or place, or that you’re a different person, just go with it. While it’s painful to see their memories go, you can still have loving, fulfilling interactions by entering whatever mental space they’re in. Trying to remind them of things that they’re forgetting is just painful all around.
Carrie
It’s very hard. I am going through some of this with my parents, and have already lost one. This sounds like this is your first loss, which comes particularly hard. Yes, dementia is almost like “losing” your loved one, even before they pass away.
The people that will suffer the most will be the family caregivers, at this point. Do what you can to provide moral support for your mother/uncles, and try to visit your grandparents and possibly even assist with some caregiving if/when you can. Even just a weekend… or even a day… to give them a break is so valued. Many (most?) family members do not even do this for those who are caregivers. It will also make you feel better, as you are doing something meaningful to help, and spending precious time with your grandparents.
Your grandparents are typical in not wanting to leave their home. Hopefully, there are support systems in their community for the elderly that will share costs for homecare services. Their local Department of Aging needs to come and do an assessment. I am assuming that your grandparents are being followed by geriatric doctors at a minimum and/or neurologists specializing in dementia who can also be helpful by collaborating with social workers to set up more services as needed. Also, many times aging relatives will refuse help from family, but when a doctor “prescribes” it, they will finally agree…. if they like/respect their doctor.
But at some point, if they both truly have dementia, your family will need to considering moving them to an assisted living community with dementia care wings or a nursing home. These are very expensive. But they soon will not be safe at home alone. Sometimes family members will move in, but it can be crushingly hard to care for two individuals with dementia. The other option is hiring caregivers around the clock. There will likely be opposition from the grandparents all the way…. but sometimes personalities clinic well with hired caregivers and you can be pleasantly surprised.
Try to find someone to vent to… that can be hard, as empathy wears out quickly. But don’t vent to your mother. Support her.
The Alzheimer’s association has some wonderful resources, help phone lines and recommendations (see online).
Idea
I think the Alzheimer’s Association helped me understand that my grandfather did not lose his memory or his cognition or his personality quickly or all at once, no matter how much I wanted to believe that. Some declines do quicken after physical or stressful setbacks, but once I realized that his late 70s were so different from his late 60s, I could start to fill in the blanks and draw the downward lines myself and be strong for me, my siblings, my parents and grandma because this had been going on for awhile and would get worse, not better. And changes had to be made, for the good of everybody involved. It’s very sad and difficult. Take care of yourself and remember the happy times while dealing with the tough times. Good luck.
Grad School
What’s the best way to request letters of recommendation for graduate school? Is it expected I pre-write the letters or make suggestions on points to hit in my request?
Also, whom should I ask? I’ve been out of undergrad for 7 years, so it would be inappropriate for me to ask old professors for recommendations, and the two bosses/managers before my current one left the companies where I worked with them due to bad blood. I’ve worked at my current company for over two years, and could easily get three great recommendations from managers, directors, and former managers, but does it look bad for all of your letters to be from the same company?
Anonymous
What kind of grad school? If law, 2 letters is fine, same place is fine, they just don’t matter a lot.
Grad School
Urban and Regional Planning, actually. I’m the poster from a couple days ago.
Wildkitten
Did you former mangers have bad blood with YOU? Some of my best recommendations are from managers who hated the company but liked me as an employee.
Grad School
Haha, no, they just left and I’m not sure where they’re working now, and I wasn’t sure if it would be ok to have an employer who no longer works for the company where I was working at the time they knew me.
ETA: These were internships and temp positions, as well.
hoola hoopa
It’s not an issue to get a letter of recommendation from someone who is no long with the company for which you both worked. Letters from supervisors of short-term positions are ‘worth less’ than letters from supervisors who have worked with you longer if all is otherwise equal, but if the supervisors for the short-term can more directly speak to your strengths, are more closely related to the grad program topic, know you better in general, and/or will be more likely to actually write the letter, then by all means use them.
IME it’s standard and helpful to mention what you’d like them to focus on when making the request I’ve written a few and have never been provided a draft or boiler plate. Sometimes people just ask for the letter.
Parfait
Yeah if they can speak knowledgeably about your strengths is doesn’t matter that they aren’t still at the same company where you worked with them. Hunt them down on linked in and ask.
Bonnie
DC MEETUP DETAILS
I’ve been remiss in my planning duties but really could use a drink and time to relax so…
Happy hour tomorrow at Vapiano’s in Chinatown at 6
Brunch on Sunday the 23rd at the Coupe in Columbia Heights at noon. I’ll make a reservation.
Feel free to email me at dccorpore##e at yahoo dot com
home instead care
You actually make it appear really easy along with your presentation however I to find this matter to be really something that I think I might by no means understand.
It seems too complicated and extremely large for me.
I am having a look ahead in your next put up, I will try
to get the hold of it!