ByKat G Hours Updated
Comments 269 Comments

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Hudson Dress

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I always like a good notched neckline — it's less tricky than a straight V-neck (too high, too low, too gapey) but almost universally flattering. I like to stick with round-shaped necklaces like pearls or tiny station necklaces, but that's me; pendant necklaces can also look great. The gray color here is nice and I like that it comes in sizes 00 to 20W (it also comes in black but in less sizes). It's $175 at Of Mercer. Hudson Dress This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

269 Comments

  1. Has anyone gotten a nutritionist to help lose weight? I’ve gained 5 pounds since I’ve joined biglaw and am trying to shed the extra fat with exercise and diet. But reading diet books has not really helped because I don’t have time to prep the meals in the diet books and work cafeteria has limited selections.

    1. I can’t imagine a nutritionist will be able to help with the meal prep component. What about a meal delivery service?

      1. This. If you are in biglaw, you are in a big city. There are meal delivery services designed for this issue exactly. Try one. If you don’t like it, and can’t tweak it to your liking, try a different one. I’m talking about local services delivering fresh food a couple/few times a week, not a mail order that sends you 20 frozen meals from states away (which is also an option, just not a desirable one in my book). It may feel expensive, but my personal experience was that it was not substantially more than it cost for food to rot in my fridge, plus takeout, plus the related time spent handling food prep on my own.

    2. When I was in law school, I had breakfast food for breakfast and at least one other meal (ziplock of cereal, granola bars, yogurt, oatmeal). It saved a ton of $ and kept me trim (and not a lot of cholesterol). I recently went back to that vs takeout for lunch (that would tide me into the evening when I get home) and it is showing some slow but steady progress (like .5 pound/week). Plus I feel better and am saving $.

    3. Automate the meals that you can – hard boiled eggs and oatmeal for breakfast, salad mix with rotisserie shredded chicken for lunch, buy pre-cut fruits and veggies for sides, get the frozen protein blends and make those for lunch. Fewer choices makes it a lot easier to stick to a plan and none of those require substantial prep work. Cut out the sugar- leave the candy in the jar, cut back on sweetened drinks, drink lots of water/fizzy water. Reduce your snack intake- desk jobs don’t require a constant intake of calories and mindless eating of 200 calories here and there 3x a day is a habit that can lead to calorie overload.

      1. I agree with this. I’m 10 years into biglaw, and there are lots of changes that you have to make in order for it to work. You don’t have time for prep and cooking. So you need to learn to love things like carrot sticks that take no time to prepare (except maybe a rinse in the sink). Apples, oranges, hardboiled eggs, frozen fruit smoothies, dried fruit and nuts, cheese with crackers and olives. You need more stuff like the dried fruits, cheese, frozen fruit, etc. that won’t go bad just a week or two after you’ve grocery shopped. And find a healthy lunch spot near work that will fill you up for the afternoon and don’t snack besides raw fruit and veg. All the diet books and such for popular consumption will have you grocery shopping for the “freshest” food, but that doesn’t fit with biglaw b/c it just means cilantro and broccoli rotting in the fridge.

      2. +1

        If the issue is one of time rather than knowledge, this seems to me like the type of problem that you throw money at, i.e. buy things at the grocery store that are already chopped. Or, for example, my grocery store has meal trays already made up that you can throw in the oven, consisting of pre-seasoned chicken and vegetables, with instructions for roasting. Go to your grocery store and see what they have that might be similar.

    4. 5 lbs? You want to lose 5lbs? You don’t need a nutritionist or diet books. You need to eat mostly greens and lean protein for a few weeks, smaller portions, and less wine.

      1. Can we not? OP is concerned about an upward trend in her weight since starting her job – which, if she’s a first year, was a little less than a year ago. Keeping track of months-long trends shows us when we need to modify our routines to better suit our changing needs. A steady 5 lb increase over ~9 months isn’t particularly alarming, sure, but it’s significant enough to make some changes to at least stop the bleed.

      2. 5lbs is a bigger lift for some people than others, depending on your starting weight/height, etc. It would be a big lift for me to lose 5lbs with my body type/frame.

    5. If your problem is more about education (i.e. you don’t know what choices to make) then a nutritionist could be helpful, but if it’s more in execution (i.e. you don’t have time to meal prep) I don’t think it would be as effective. Especially because in the moment, when you have 5 choices in the cafeteria the nutritionist isn’t right there with you. I’m personally liking WeightWatchers (the app, not the meetings) to slim down for my wedding, because on the app you can quickly look up values of meals. They also have lots of “free” foods, so I always gravitate towards picking those or loading my meals up with those. But if you do go to a nutritionist, see if you can find one that will work with you on healthy eating strategies that are realistic for your lifestyle.

    6. Tip #1 — box of cereal is way better than any choice at the cafeteria.

      #TeamMiniWheats

      1. In my house we call miniwheats “daddy cereal” (because he’s the one who introduced our daughter to them) and it’s like all I want to eat lately. Cool story, Rainbro.

    7. If you dont have time to prep meals, I’m not sure how you’ll ave time to work with most nutritionists.
      I can recommend the woman I’m working with- she’s Chicago based but has clients nationwide. We chat for 15 minutes, once a week, and I also text and email her in between. She looks at my MFP and makes specific suggestions. She hasnt told me anything groundbreaking that you havent already heard (less wine, smarter carbs, more greens and protein) but I like the accountability.

    8. Are you in LA by any chance? I have a former-lawyer friend who now does super healthy and (freakin’ delicious looking) personalized meal delivery. She’s a great balance of “no, that doesn’t need to be fried” and “we only get this one life, let’s make dinner delicious.” Hit me up off the board and I’ll give you her info if you’re interested.

      1. Hey there–I’m in LA and would love to look into the service of this friend of yours. How do we contact you off this board?

    9. Used to be in BigLaw, and gained 20lbs in my first 3years, so I fully understand your post- hugs! It’s really hard to eat well when you’re working crazy hours. And when you finally get a slow period, the last thing you want to do is diet.

      One of my good friends still in BigLaw swears by ordering pre-cooked / healthy meals to eat several days a week, which keeps her from being tempted by the dinner orders at night. I can’t remember the name of the service, but you could google for similar services in your area.

    10. Since no one actually answered your question – yes, I started working with a nutritionist and did wind up losing weight. It wasn’t so much the education (less carbs, more veggies – GOT IT), but she had other suggestions. For example, she had me ADD a healthy snack every day at a specific time, not change anything else about what I was eating, and I wound up losing about 3 lbs in 2 weeks (because the result was eating smaller dinners). We also set easier attainable goals for each session and I felt good about getting the feedback and being held accountable. I lost about 6lbs barely trying in about 6 weeks, but then I got pregnant and I’m still working with her through my pregnancy. I highly recommend working with a nutritionist if you can find one who isn’t just going to lecture you on portion size.

  2. Has anyone else taken this survey?

    I am a little amazed. If you check the box for “family responsibilities make it hard for women to continue in the profession,” you get a follow up question like “you indicated that family repsonsibilities make it hard for women to continue in the profession; can you say why that is so?”

    It’s like talking to visitors from another planet. Bless their hearts, but if you have to ask, I probably don’t have enough words to help you out with this. FWIW, I gave up halfway through. I was utterly depressed and stabby at the same time.

    1. Hmmm… longterm Biglaw here. I would not check that box. I think sometimes societal expectations about what women should do (like decorating for the holidays and getting nails and hair perfect and all the volunteer crap) make it hard (if you TRY to actually do those things lol). And I think a lack of good childcare makes it hard. And having too many kids make it hard. And having a husband that doesn’t know how to contribute would make it hard. But I don’t think the actual family responsibilities (i.e., spending time with kids when you can, meals, bathing, school activities) are to blame. I suppose what the question is asking is vague to me, but my first instinct would be to not check it b/c I’d want to blame the right thing and “family” wouldn’t seem to me to be the thing to blame. I suppose “responsibilities” is vague to me.

    2. Oh no! This is why surveys are such a challenging research methodology.

      I’m in academia and recently participated in some research (qualitative interview) about women returning from maternity leave. It was like therapy – really found it helpful in thinking through my experience. There was a survey component but written really sensitively.

    3. Oh, please tell me exactly who at the ABA designed this survey. And give more details on the methodological shortcomings you perceive.

    4. Dear sweet jeebus . . . when I am traveling for work I have a ton more free time b/c I’m just working and doing self-care (shower! brush teeth! breakfast for one!) not also doing mom things (overseeing that math homework gets done / laundry / home chores / having dinner magically appear). It is magical — almost like being a Dad!

      1. Not all husbands/dads are like yours. Mine does laundry, supervises homework, cooks most of our dinners, fixes things around the house, does the pick-up run every day, etc. Sorry if that isn’t your situation, but please don’t paint all husbands/dads with the same brush. You either chose your partner poorly, or have not set up appropriate expectations re: contribution and shared responsibilities. Or both. In either case – change is always a possibility.

        1. In all fairness to all working spouses of either gender, 2 FT jobs (never mind careers) are hard with kids, esp small ones (who get sick a lot) but even if they are older (bigger kid, bigger problems). I know a lot of people who chose don’t hit it out of the park every day at work b/c they have kids, everything is a choice and a trade-off and life is stressful even if you carry your burdens 50-50. They are still burdens on your work performance. Pretending that a giving spouse makes everything perfect ignores how hard life is even with good help (paid or in-family help).

          1. “Pretending that a giving spouse makes everything perfect ignores how hard life is even with good help (paid or in-family help).”

            Cry me a river. You do understand there are people in this world who have to choose between which kids to feed? There are people in Syria who are living each minute not knowing if it’s their last? The level of privilege of some of the upper-class educated white women on this board makes me sick. You have household with two working spouses with good jobs and healthy kids and a nice house, boo-hoo. If you’re an employed white American making over $75k a year household – happiness is a choice for you. If you choose not to be happy, own your choice. Don’t whine to me or anyone else about how hard your life is.

          2. You know we were talking about work performance/advancement of American attorneys right? No one was arguing that they were unhappy, so this rant seems misplaced.

            We all openly acknowledge we lead lives relative ease and privilege relative to hungry folks or people in Syria.

            You seem really, really unhappy. Maybe you should spend more time helping those folks whose plight you’re so moved by and less time on websites dedicated to female professionals.

    5. I have to go with my spouse to a dr appt (he pretends he isn’t hard of hearing, so he nods and smiles and bluffs his way though a lot of convos; that’s a whole ‘nother story), stay during an outpatient procedure, drive him home, get and administer meds, and take care of him for maybe 2 additional days. We have no concept of leave — it’s all just work remotely! Get it done!

      It is awful — cannot imagine BigLaw / small law / most jobs in our field where this were a regular ongoing thing like it is for eldercare, sick kids, or a lot of regular kid activities and illnesses.

      I had a co-worker have a micropremie who spent ~6 months in a hospital and it just about killed him. I think his spouse had to quit her job b/c her leave ran out and she wouldn’t leave such a sick baby (and would have had no mind for work anyway then).

    6. My annecdata 10+ years out says that all of my friends still practicing in BigLaw (and much of small law) are men or non-parent women. It was mind-blowing at first, but I’ve gotten used to it. Maybe things will change, but it seems that kids drive people out of BigLaw and law in general.

      I know some career law clerks, city attorneys, federal agency attorneys, admin law judges, state licensing agency attorneys, business law in college teachers, SAHMs with JDs.

      It’s sad — we all had the same debt to pay off. If I’d just use a JD for 10 years, I’m not sure I’d bother to get one.

      1. I know plenty of long term Big law women with multiple kids and a spouse with a demanding job. The caveat is that they also have aupairs and a mother’s helper, or two nannies, or parents who do full time daycare, or are in coast practices (ie trust and estates for the very rich and old, family law with fairly set hours, public finance for government clients).

        It can be done, just not alone, not even close.

        1. As a former biglaw trusts & estates attorney, I wouldn’t say that we coasted. We had the same billable hour requirement, same book of business requirement to make partner. If anything, I thought it was harder to make hours when you’re working on 10 client matters in a day instead of 1 big lit matter…

      2. I think this greatly depends on the practice area and the culture of the firm. I’ve worked at 4 biglaw firms over the years (some as staff, some as an attorney) and this fourth firm is the first firm I’ve been at where there are women who are well-respected (not marginalized) corporate partners who have multiple kids and robust practices. At my prior firms, women were mommy-tracked and pushed out.

        There are family-friendly biglaw firms, but they are the exception, not the rule. A lot of male partners just don’t understand that they had SAH wives to help advance their career, but in the age of massive loans/student debt and HCOL, having a SAH parent is not always possible.

        1. +1 to this. The office of my biglaw firm is going through some growing pains in this regard. It’s tough and the partners are just starting to get it, but only after a bunch of people left and we had an all associates “come to Jesus” meeting with them where we voiced these concerns. I don’t know what exactly is going to change (I’m in a far more supportive practice group than most of my colleagues) but I am hopeful the partners here (both male and female) recognize that the vast majority of their married associates have spouses who work full time and what that translates to in the day to day. It’s almost like they don’t understand that if we’re not the ones doing it, it doesn’t get done. For example, laundry – if I’m not doing/haven’t done the laundry, I don’t magically have clean clothes.

          And for saying that “well, you just need to pay for laundry service” – that’s not necessarily in the budget with student loan payments (another thing many partners don’t understand the current state of).

    7. I’m six years out, with 1 daughter (planning to try for another baby next year) in BigLaw and so far I intend to stay (and am hearing the right things from the powers that be). The key for me has been finding a team of lawyers the majority of whom have kids and a significant subset of which both parents work FT. About 1/3 of the partners I work with are women (with children) and also equity partners. My husband also stays home (key to the late nights and big projects). BigLaw has been for me surprisingly flexible (both with my own life and dealing with elder care issues), but I think it’s a matter of the right firm and the right team. Choose carefully!

      1. A surprising # of women who stay in have SAHHs. I think there is a lot of glossing over how much help it truly takes to stay in. It doesn’t just magically happen — you pay in $ or someone sacrifices a career. In terms of paying for help or losing one spouse’s income, it is a huge opportunity cost to keep working.

      2. I think you buried the lede a bit – the key is that you have a stay-at-home-parent in your set up, no?

        2. Out of all the women partners and associates I know, I am only one of two with a SAHH (and that is within the last year). So I don’t think that’s the key to success here, but is a significant factor in reducing the stress levels for me. The ones that don’t though do have 1 or more full time nannies and or au pairs as noted above. Not saying it’s easy, but it can be done with enough help AND a supportive work environment. Because even the best help in the world gets sick and needs backup care, and in order for me to stay happy, I need to be present in my daughter’s life, not always leaving her with her daddy and missing every thing that is special to her.

    8. This survey pissed me right off, because I’ve been in law for 15+ years as a senior paralegal, then law school. But I’ve only been a lawyer for 2. So even though I am 39, and obviously a woman in the legal profession, it doesn’t want to hear about my views. Skewed sample right there.

      I also have been to b-school and felt that it was designed in a very flawed way right off the bat. It was offensive to believe that the only women in law worth talking or who have to are lawyers. I was a transactional paralegal and regularly billed over 2200 hours a year, sometimes up to 2700 hours, so I know what it’s like to balance law and home.

      /endrant

    9. What I want to know is whether they are also surveying all the people who left the law.

  3. I don’t know if I’m the only one that likes to update cardigans every year or so but I just found some really good ones at Uniqlo and wanted to share since they are on an additional promo now. It’s the Supima Cotton V Neck Cardigan – usually $20, and now $14 and change. They also have a crew neck version, but I haven’t tried. I haven’t had mine that long yet, but find my uniqlo stuff tends to wear pretty well. What’s nice about these is they feel and look a lot more expensive than they are and much more elegant and work appropriate than my old navy/J Crew factory ones. They’re definitely summer weight and a bit see through but I think that’s what makes them look better? The sleeves are also very long – so would be good for anyone with long arms, but it looks kinds of cool on my short arms too, all pooled up at the wrists (the wrist cuffs are narrow enough so it doesn’t feel annoying since they stay where they should be).

    I also got the Drape V Neck Sleeveless Blouse and love it. I got the white and it definitely requires a camisole under but it also looks much more lux than it actually is. It’s rare that I want to buy more colors of everything so just wanted to share. https://tinyurl.com/y72mb29e

      1. I posted below but it’s NOT the cotton cardigan, but the “lightweight” one. Morning fail!

        1. I don’t see the lightweight cardigan listed. They have 2 – crewneck and v-neck but both are cotton. Same price though that you mentioned in your original post.

      2. If it becomes a referral link it could be due to Kat’s algorithms. I have seen that happen here before and it is in her terms and conditions. We can suggest an item and she can turn it into a referral link. I don’t necessarily have a problem with that, I just feel bad when the original poster gets blamed.

    3. I can echo the recommendation for Uniqlo’s current stock of cotton cardigans. I haven’t washed mine yet, as they’re still new to my closet, though in my experience, Uniqlo’s sweaters always hold up better to washing and wear than, say, Ann Taylor, Loft, or J.Crew’s.

    4. That’s good to know! I’ve been meaning to check out Uniqlo for a few reasons. Do they have other decent work attire?

  4. This dress has a weird triangular panel of black fabric under the arm. It makes it look as if the model is wearing a dress with very low-cut armholes with a cami underneath. I was considering ordering the dress until I saw that lovely detail.

    1. I own this dress and don’t think it looks like that! I believe the panel is intentional and designed at least in part to avoid sweat stains. Its a great dress.

      1. Can you tell me about the fit? Of/Mercer recommends this dress for a tall athletic build… I’m short (5’2) and somewhat pear shaped (thanks to running–does that make my shape athletic??). Wondering if this has any hope of working on me!

  5. I have a dress like this in black and get compliments on it all the time. Nice pick, Kat!

  6. Hi – any recommendations for a reasonably professional looking raincoat with a hood that’s light enough for summer? I need to be able to do part of my commute without holding an umbrella so I’m looking for something I can wear on hot days and not arrive at the office a total mess. TIA!

    3. I have a hooded LLBean one that I really like. It has a zip out lining, so its fine for summer sans lining.

    4. I have a lightweight one from The North Face – it looks like a tan trench coat but it’s waterproof material.

    5. I would choose a brand recognized as a technical brand in black or olive/khaki. For me, it would be Patagonia, but I’m pushing 40 so that might not be the best brand for someone younger and hipper. I think lots of global business people turn to the technical brands for travel so it looks fine. I haven’t shopped Burberry in awhile but they did used to have lightweight trenches if you have the money. They may not be as practical a brand as they used to be, however. The other option is a cheapish cotton/poly from one of the fast fashion houses (Zara, JCrew, AnnTaylor, Banana, etc). Those are hit or miss.

    6. Search for the Cole Haan Back Bow Packable Hooded Raincoat. It looks like it’s a trench but it’s very lightweight and has a hood. The hood isn’t super technical so I don’t know that you could do a commute in a downpour without an umbrella, but it certainly works well for light rain.

    7. I have one from “Gallery”, purchased at Nordstrom – a couple of years ago now so no current link. It’s a cotton blend so it breathes better than the plastic-bag ones :) downside is that it’s technically “water-resistant” rather than “waterproof”; I haven’t soaked through it but my outdoor/walking portion is not extensive and we don’t tend to get sustained downpours where I live.

  7. Love this dress – but can you move your arms? This is the problem for me with suit-fabric dresses with sleeves (which I prefer).

    2. There isn’t fabric on the underside. If you click through to this link, you can see that her armpit is visible. So your movement may be restricted if you were trying to lift things directly over your head, but a normal range of motion should be fine.

    3. For me (5-4, 125#, small bust), the issue is “will I do an Incredible Hulk when I parallel park”?

      B/c that has happened.

    4. Check out [forbidden name] Tracy’s dresses for sleeves that you can move in. They have a little stretch, but still read pretty suit-y, I think.

          2. Well, I have at least two with full or 3/4 sleeves, one with cap sleeves, two with short sleeves, and one that is more fit and flare. (Plus one or two Horny Toad weekend dresses.) Which is just what I can think of off the top of my head . . .

            But I still might need this one. How’s the fit? I’m a busy 12 or 14.

          3. A busty 12 or 14. Busy, too, but that doesn’t affect the fit of my dresses. (well, maybe it does – stress eating!)

    5. Does anyone own dresses from Of Mercer? I was checking out the sizing and it varies a ton dress to dress. Anyone know if they’re actually measuring each dress or just swagging it? (I need ~41-42″ bu$t, but over 33-34″ in the waist just makes me look heavier, so I check size guides closely and occasionally get lucky with non-specialty brands.)

    1. I love machine washeable clotheing like this. I also prefer the NOTCHED neckline b/c of Frank. FYI, I had a sweater that could NOT be machine washed, so when it got smelley and I did NOT want to have my cleaneing lady hand wash it, I left it in my hamper over the summer, and by the time I found it, it was all wrinkled up and smelley, so I could NOT get it properly cleaned and I gave it to the cleaneing lady for her to give to her daughter, Luz who is very pretty and who can probabley figure out how to make it smell fresh again. I think this is my contribution toward’s Luz’s fashion, since it was a DKNY sweater.

  9. This sounds so silly, but I just broke-up with someone and am having issues getting over him. I ended things for a lot of reasons, but did very much love him. The problem is, I feel like I shouldn’t be that upset- he was not a good guy – he drank WAY too much, was completely irresponsible (he got a DUI sometime before we started dating – did not know about it until recently), would stay out until the wee hours of the morning (like 4/5 AM), and at 35, that’s not normal. I know none of these things would make us compatible long-term, but I’m still having issues moving on.

    Not sure what I’m looking for – commiseration? Advice? Help?

    1. I definitely commiserate, see my post below about whether to end my relationship. Assuming that you are also in your mid-30s, that is a hard age to be single so that could be why you’re focusing on what could have been with him. I guess just try to focus instead on other stuff like work, hobbies, friends, and eventually time will heal your wounds and help you move on.

    2. It’s not silly to love someone, and grieve when he is no longer in your life. Our lives, hearts, and emoitons get connected in deeply with people — even people who are bad news. Good for you for making the hard call. You can’t stuff the feelings or expect them to disappear. Life doesn’t work like that. Grieve what you need to. Forgive what you need to. Relinquish what you need to. Limit the wallowing and self-recrimination. Reflect on what you can learn from your end of this relationship.

      1. +1 to all of this. Also, I guarantee you’re going to be proud of yourself when you look back on this decision. Your future self, who is over him, thanks you to the skies for freeing her from this dead end and letting her pursue other things.

    3. You just broke up? Give yourself sometime. If you’re inconsolable after a month, sure do something. But it’s okay if you’re just sad for a while.

    4. On the advice front, the easiest most painless way to get over someone is to get a new crush. Might be a fact about ourselves we don’t like, but it’s true. Get back out there.

      1. +1. Having trouble getting over someone is literally the story of my life, but I think the mistake that has hurt me the most is to avoid dating until I’m “over” the last one, instead of going to look for a new person to fixate on.

    5. I always found with breakups it was ok to let myself cry at night but during the day I tried to pick myself up, go about my business, and try to put it out of my head. That kind of permission to be sad in the evening helped me both not beat myself up over being sad and also helped me move on emotionally to separate that time to be sad, if that makes sense.

    6. Break ups suck even when you know they were the right decision. You put a lot of emotional energy into them and it’s sad when that energy does not yield positive results, whatever the reason. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Let yourself grieve. It’s normal.

    7. I get you feel sad about that. I married that guy. He got a DUI the night of our rehearsal dinner. Thought he would grow up/ sober up. Had two kids. He never did. In some ways a lovely person, and we produced two wonderful sporty, good looking children. After 17 years of marriage I finally divorced him. Got sick of making all the money AND doing all the housework and parenting. He never grew up. He stopped drinking from time to time, but would always go back. I didn’t find out till after, but he had multiple affairs on his frequent travels. I don’t really regret it and I’m not really mad at him — he is who he is, I chose to stay and accept very little in my relationship, that’s on me. But I applaud you for being smarter than I was. By the way, now I am happier than ever. The divorce has been hard on my daughter, not so much my son, but on the other had I was providing for her a horrible example of what a woman should accept from a man, so although I wish the transition were not so hard on her, I do think in the long run I did the right thing for me and also for the kids.

    8. I thought I wrote this already but it seems to not have posted. I am sorry and I get why you are sad. But you are doing the right thing. I married that guy. He got a DUI the night of our rehearsal dinner. I thought he would grow up/ sober up. He never did. We had two kids. He had intermittent bouts of drinking less. I always felt second to the alcohol and really never got my needs met in the relationship. We spent over 8 years in counseling. Finally after 17 years I initiated a divorce and honestly it was the best thing ever. I was sick of making all the money, doing all the house work, all the kid stuff. My daughter has had a hard time with the divorce, my son not so much, but I still think in the long run it’s the right thing for her because I was providing a horrible example of what a woman should accept from a man in a relationship. I’m not even that mad at him because honestly he was who he was the whole time, I am the one who changed, who accepted less than I should have, who stayed when I should have left. Now that I’m on my own I am way happier. My mood shifted almost immediately when he moved out. Since then I sold the house we lived in together, bought a new one, moved the kids there (I have them full time, he sees them whenever he wants/can which isn’t much), have started dating someone who treats me well. I no longer feel lonely and anxious. I am proud of you for being way smarter than I was.

    9. Commiseration from here! It’s normal to be sad after a breakup! You had an attachment to him and it takes time to break the attachment. I’m sure you know this, but the best (and probably only) way to do that is to go cold turkey — no calls, no texts, no meeting up for coffee.

      And pat youself on the back a hundred times a day for dodging a bullet. The magic can’t happen with the right guy until you have the courage to say goodbye to the wrong guy.

  10. I’m helping to plan a bachelorette in New Orleans and am in charge of groceries. Our house is in the South 7th Ward, near the French Quarter. Does anyone who knows the area have a recommendation for delivery or stores? It looks like FreshDirect does not deliver in that area. It’s groceries for ~15 people, but we could make an uber/cab and grocery store work if that’s the best option.

    1. New Orleans resident here. Instacart just started delivering groceries in March. For 15 people, I think your best bet is to get Instacart to deliver from Costco, if someone in your group is a member, and/or Rouse’s, a large local grocery store.

      The neighborhood you’ll be in has a couple of grocery options–Robert’s and the New Orleans Food Coop (you don’t have to be a member to shop there). I wouldn’t shop for a weekend’s worth of groceries for 15 people at either, but it would be easy to stop in and supplement if needed.

  11. Whats up with the little black triangle panels under the armpit? It almost looks like the dress is cut out there and she’s wearing a black tank underneath. Just seems odd on an otherwise beautiful dress.

    1. Probably so it doesn’t show sweat or grunginess as much. Could be a sturdier material. My dresses like this show wear in that area pretty quickly.

    2. also looks a little slimming if you’re standing next to a dark background – makes it look like your body ends ‘earlier’ if that makes sense?

  12. My earlier comment has gone into the ether but may resurface so just wanted to make a correction. I posted to recommend two recent purchases from uniqlo but got one of the styles wrong. I got the “lightweight cardigan,” not the supima one. So it’s not the one currently on sale but it’s great anyway. Highly recommend!
    (I also got and love the drape v neck sleeveless blouse and it’s great and not actually sleeveless, but more of a cap sleeve – in case the first comment never shows).

  13. How do you know when a relationship has run its course? I’ve been dating my SO for 14 months and even though I’m 40, this has been the longest lasting of all my relationships. We had a fight during a trip out of town this weekend, and agreed to take a few days cooling period, so I’m assessing whether I want to try to resolve our problems or break up. I understand this is a question that only I can answer but I was hoping to hear what others have looked to in making a similar decision. The recent fight was due to his losing his temper over dinner plans, so we discussed our very different conflict resolution approaches. He will get angry without communicating why, and then will get over it quickly, whereas I tend to initially shut down and stew when faced with anger or something upsetting until we talk about and resolve the issue. We also discussed things that irritate us about the other and old hurts, so the conversation focused on the bad parts of our relationship which had been pretty great during the first year. I also feel underappreciated and think that he is too rigid about always wanting things done his way. On the other hand, we love each other, he is generally a terrific guy and we have many areas of compatibility (physical, intellectual, political, sense of humor, no desire for children) and similar interests. I don’t know if the issues are fixable and if they are coming to a head because we are entering the next more serious stage of our relationship or if they’re a sign that we’re just not compatible. And while I know this shouldn’t be a factor in the decision, I really don’t want to be single again, especially at my age.

    1. Sounds like you are straddling the fence here. If your best friend was dating this guy, what would you tell her to do?

    2. Fights happen. It seems like this wasn’t a serious fight (dinner plan disagreement), but the larger issue is his communication style, as well as bringing up other issues.

      It is great that you communicated your need to feel more appreciated and desire for more flexibility in the relationship. If you love him, this doesn’t sound like a deal breaker to me. It just sounds like a fight, which happens, especially when traveling out of town. People can get cranky on vacation.

      Going forward, I’d consider why you question if issues aren’t fixable or you aren’t compatible. Nothing I read here indicates that. Are there other red flags you sense?

      1. Even though the fight wasn’t over a huge issue, we both overreacted, probably because like you said, travel made us cranky. We ended the trip early due to the fight and I had to eat the cost of the hotel and event tickets that I had paid for but we didn’t use, which also made me upset since I hate to waste money. I think I’ve questioning the relationship because the discussion brought out the bad parts of our relationship, and I also get the sense that since the honeymoon stage is over, we’re now starting to focus more on each other’s negatives.

        1. Wait wait what?!? You had one fight over dinner and cancelled the trip and went home? He didn’t split those costs with you? This is all bonkers. Something is missing. Break up.

        2. The fact that you had to end the trip early, which cost you money, is very telling. When my husband and I travel there is the occasional snappy comment or brief bicker (last time it was about how close to park to the nude beach), but once the issue at hand is resolved we move with our vacation. You don’t say what started the vacation fight, but the outcome sounds like a serious reckoning.

          1. Agree. A fight over dinner plans is one thing, cutting short a vacation and then needing several days to cool off because of it is another. Based on the fall out, that doesn’t sound like a minor fight.

            No relationship is entirely conflict free. Until my current relationship, which I’ve been in for a little over 2 years, my longest one was 9 months. So I would not say I’m exactly an expert here. But I will say that mismatches in conflict resolution styles were big problems in my previous relationships. A person can be a great person and still not be the person for you if you can’t have a fight and then continue to enjoy each other’s company relatively soon thereafter. Current SO and I don’t fight often. We have had a few that felt really terrible to be in, though, and we were able to resolve them without needing days of not speaking to cool off.

        3. You’ve said two things that I put in the end it category- you don’t want to be single at 40 and you both don’t want kids. As another 40 year old who doesn’t want kids, it’s an easy trap to think there are only a handful of options in this category, and fear of starting over is real. Neither is a reason to stay in a relationship.

        4. Who initiated leaving early? If it was you, did you do it because you felt overwhelmed by his anger or unsafe staying? Same questions about the cooling off period.

          I can’t tell if he snapped at you out of frustration and in response you took your ball and went home… in which case I’d say you probably have more to work on. Or if he had a legit temper tantrum and you rightly stepped way the heck back to protect yourself emotionally (and maybe also physically).

          1. He wanted to leave early, but only after I left him in the hotel room for a few hours to get some space on my own. Looking back, that was a mistake and overreaction on my part; he was feeling fine and had gotten over things at that point but I was still upset. No danger of feeling unsafe. We had our discussion on the drive back to town but only during the last part of the drive because it started storming 10 minutes after we left and I wanted him to focus on driving through the storm. He suggested the cooling period after he dropped me home, and I don’t view it as negatively as others have, because we were both still upset, especially since the discussion focused on the negatives of our relationship and each other, so I think the cooling period is helpful to give us both time to reflect and reassess things.

    3. Is there anything else going other than this one fight? The fight sounds fairly small, yet somehow it was serious enough to cause you two to reexamine the whole relationship?

      1. Right? I’m inclined to say try? Give it a month and see. But something about this hints at him being a rage filled control freak who likes throwing temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his own way about dinner, and if he’s that guy “working on it” just means making yourself smaller and smaller and you should just leave

      2. I kind of agree. And since you’ve identified your different approaches to conflicts, it might be worth seeing a therapist together to see if they can help you bridge the gap.

    4. If he is rigid about wanting things done his way now, that will probably not improve in the future. Since you don’t want children, and thus aren’t under any sort of biological time pressure to get things sorted out, you could see how this plays out, paying particular attention to his need for things to be done his way. Is it purely about getting his way, or is it that he sees himself as extremely rational and analytical, and therefore his way is obviously better thought out, more accurate, etc.

      1. It’s the latter. He has high amounts of self-confidence, which is one of the things that attracted me, but the flip side of that is that he thinks that his way is always best and he needs a lot of convincing to change his mind.

        1. “High amounts of self-confidence” can also mean arrogant, unyielding, self-centered, and contemptuous for people who don’t see the world the way he does.

          Does he have good doses of self-awareness and humility to balance out that confidence? Is he teachable? Open to growing and changing?

        3. Does he need a lot of convincing to hear you out completely enough to make you feel heard? I think there’s a difference between flat out insisting that you’re right and refusing to hear someone else vs. making a well-thought-out decision, listening intently to other perspectives, and still concluding that you were right in the beginning.

        4. My husband is like this. Very self confident and uber rational, and often thinks his way is the superior way because it makes the most sense to him. He has, however, learned to compromise on most small things because he realizes that even though he may think his way is superior, different people view things differently and “happy wife, happy life.” At the end of the day, if doing something (i.e. arranging the dishes a certain way) makes me happier, it doesn’t matter that he thinks his way is better. It just means he has a happier wife and less conflict . I meet him at least halfway because it is also worth it to me to be open to why he thinks his way is better.

    5. Every relationships has struggles and ups and downs. If this is your longest relationship, it’s possible you’ve never made it out of the honeymoon phase when everything was problem-free. One thing that helps me put things in context is, “am I expecting my partner to be a robot?” I.e., if you’re upset that he lost his temper, is the expectation that he never looses his cool? If he has a long day at work and is frustrated, am I unreasonably upset that he’s cranky? Is his reaction normal (but annoying to deal with), or a sign of a bigger anger management issue that isn’t normal? That’s just one clue that helps. In addition, I think about if I were in another relationship, would I still expect to see this level of conflict (normal), or does this seem really extreme or impossible to deal with? Is he exhibiting anything that violates my safety, security or raises red flags? Only you can say if there’s something deeper at play.

    6. Conflict styles can be a huge issues for a lot of couples (fellow shut-downer here). I found individual therapy to be hugely helpful to me in this arena. It was very helpful to hear the therapist describe how different people react to conflict because it helped me understand why DH acts the way he does when things get heated between us and to adjust my response to be more productive. Our different conflict styles were an issue for us when we were dating but really got bad in our first year of marriage. I’m not sure what I’d do in your shoes, but if you think the relationship has a lot of positives it might be worth pursuing a therapist’s advice.

    7. I mean, you are going to have arguments. And you are probably going to have different styles of communication- I don’t see that as automatically fatal to a relationship. Are both of you willing to bend a little for the other or at least talk it out in the aftermath? I don’t like conflict to linger and want to resolve and move past it as soon as possible. My husband needs time to process his feelings. We both end up at the same place, just at a slightly different pace. My processing my anger quickly doesn’t mean I don’t care and don’t take things seriously just as my husband’s need for some time and space doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me/us. Both of us understand where the other is coming from and we are able to move on productively. Some things are the price of admission to a relationship and you have to decide if those are things you want to live with.

      1. I agree. I think most people have friction in their communication styles, but a successful relationship relies on both people really learning how to listen to the other person and seeing the dysfunctional patterns and making adjustments.

        If this is the longest relationship you’ve had, you may not have made it through the stormy periods when you have to do the hard work of figuring out how to communicate better. I’m not saying you should stay in the relationship. But it’s possible you both just need to learn how to deal with anger flare ups better. It’s easier to avoid in other types of relationships, but when you are really close to someone, you have to work through these things and people can take things extra personally and then it spirals down.

    8. I suspect the argument over dinner plans is a symptom, not the real problem.

      Since it sounds like the two of you have a couple of specific issues–differences in conflict resolution, he wants things his way, you feel underappreciated–I would think couples therapy would help both of you to figure out if these issues are deal breakers or if they can be worked on.

    9. I am really cynical about this: 30 is definitely in the rear-view mirror; you’ve been together for over a year; you’re still having big problems. Cut the cord. You’re done. This won’t work, and the question is if you end it now or later.

    10. Honestly, I think you both overreacted about the fight. Ask him to split the costs of the trip and open up a discussion on your conflict styles. To give you perspective, my husband and I have the exact conflict resolution styles as you two do – I need to separate myself and sit and stew on the conflict or else I shut down, hubby gets angry quickly (though not aggressively so) and wants to talk things out in the moment, then forgets about the anger an hour later. We are otherwise extremely compatible in most other areas of our life and other than an argument here and there, are extremely happy. We talked through our conflict resolution styles, communicated what we need from the other person (him to leave me alone for a bit and/or abandon the argument for a calming down thinking period, me to actually come back to him sooner rather than later to resolve the issue), and actively use these methods to resolve issues. You can absolutely work through this – you guys have already opened up the floor for your communication and conflict resolution styles and needs.

      Have you ever thought if your conflict resolution style is the reason you end relationships soon after conflicts – it’s your solution in the vein of separating yourself from the conflict. I did this in the past until I found a guy who loved me too much to let me go and forced us to talk through our issues.

      1. This is very helpful, thanks. I think you’re right that my conflict resolution style means I tend to walk away quickly to separate myself, which is why I’m struggling with whether my inclination to walk away is due to the relationship being bad, or whether it’s part of my unhealthy response to conflict. Regarding the trip costs, we take turns paying for trips, so I’m not upset about paying for the trip itself or feel the need to get him to reimburse me.

        1. Maybe I’m reading into this too much but I am sensing that you are being gaslighted here. He lost his temper over dinner–and you are blaming your conflict resolution skills on the longevity of your past relationships? And the trip was cut short partly because of his bad behavior in losing his temper. I am upset on your behalf! If this was your younger sister, niece, or best friend’s story, what would you feel upon hearing it? Listen carefully to those feelings–if you are with someone who frequently gaslights you, it can be hard to even locate them. Ask me how I know…

    11. What does “losing his temper” look like? At 40+, “losing his temper” means I’m done if it means anything beyond mild irritation or is over something really significant where I am genuinely in the wrong. I know others are more attached to being attached and have higher tolerance for bad behavior in partners. I don’t get it. I just don’t ever want to have a concern about my partner’s “temper.”

      1. OMG so much of this. No yelling, no silent treatment, no cutting remarks, no drama. No, no, no. Not a price of admission I am willing to pay.

        I keep saying it here but I believe a relationship stands or falls on its worst moments. For me, having a blowup on vacation that results in coming home early and not speaking for a couple of days is just not okay. Not willing to go through that even if the good parts of the relationship are great.

    12. Here is what I took away from your post: (1) He lost his temper over dinner plans. (2) He gets angry without communicating why. (3) “We” discussed old hurts–I am guessing this him rehashing things since you tend to shut down and stew? (4) You feel underappreciated. (5) He is too rigid about always wanting things done his way. These are all terrible qualities in a man. LEAVE. You will mourn the break-up and move on, and you won’t regret it.

      I also want to nip in the bud any concern that your conflict management style may be the reason your relationships tend to end within a year. I have a similar conflict management style to you. I need to be with someone who is slow to anger and who communicates his anger gently and without yelling. If your past partners did not live up to that, kudos to you for getting out quickly.

      Yes, you love him, but life is too short for drama from a man-child who loses his $#!+ over dinner plans. You don’t want kids, so why date one? I’m sorry if this comes across as harsh–I married someone with anger management issues so I get how you can love someone while they also cause you pain. But from the other side, your future is bright and you have the strength to face it alone. In fact, you will be surprised at your strength–it is so energizing to leave behind men who cannot handle their tempers.

    13. A few years ago my ex and I booked a romantic weekend at a fancy resort. We had a great day and then heading into dinner we were both a little cranky for super minor and silly reasons. At dinner we got into a really stupid fight about the legality of gay marriage – but because we were both cranky it escalated and resulted in him stomping out of the restaurant, returning to our room to pack his stuff and then leaving the resort and going home. I was devastated and pissed that I thought he stuck me with the bill for the weekend (he didn’t, he returned to the hotel the next morning and paid for it) and assumed we broke up.

      The next day he came over and apologized for his behavior and tried to play down how ridiculous our fight was. I agreed, but said that stomping out of a restaurant and leaving is never an appropriate way to handle a disagreement. He said he felt like he had to leave or he’d say something rash and out of anger that he would regret. I suggested that if that ever happened in the future, that he should let me know he needed a few minutes, take a breather outside, and then come back to the table – but that under no circumstances would I tolerate him walking out again. He agreed that that was the better way to handle situations and promised that he would never walk out again.

      About a year later we got in a (drunken) silly fight at dinner and he told me he needed to take a breather outside to calm himself down. He returned 5 minutes later, much calmer and cooler-headed and the fight was over. I hated that I had to teach a 38 year old man how to maturely handle a disagreement or a conflict, but at the end of the day he was capable of adjusting his responses once I gave him calm input and bottom lines.

      More mature relationships are about communication. And it sounds like you guys have different styles about handling conflict, so before you cut the cord, you might want to think about whether you can have a conversation about how to handle conflicts and whether what happened over the weekend has to be a dealbreaker, or whether you two are able to learn to communicate with each other better during times of conflict. And good luck!

  14. I have a dressier-side-of-business-casual job most days- I wear a lot of sheath dresses, some jardigans and cardigans. I have a few blazers for wearing with slim black pants. Next week I have to spend two days at a very business formal client – they will be in suits. I’ve been avoiding buying a suit, since I would wear it approximately 2 days a year.

    Can I get away with non-matching structured dresses and blazers? Or do I have to go buy a suit for these two days? If a consultant came into your business formal office without a suit, would that cause you to give her the side-eye?

      1. +1

        A suit is a very good thing to keep on hand. Plus you should be wearing one to job interviews.

    2. I am a consultant whose clients routinely wear business formal, and I wear non-matching structured dresses and blazers all the time. I would not buy a suit now unless you have time to get it properly tailored by next week.

    3. What do the blazers look like? I think you’d be fine with say a black sheath dress and royal blue blazer, or a blazer that’s houndstooth. I wouldn’t wear anything really loud, like floral prints, but you can make a nice suit out of separates. Many two piece suits for women have a different colored blazer.

      1. Thanks- I think I’ll be fine. Two different tweedy/boucle blazers (one is chanel style, one is longer with lapels) over a black suiting dress and black heels. I’ll pack nylons for the first day and gauge whether I’ll need them on day 2.

        1. I think that sounds completely appropriate to me. I work at a more conservative law firm (Southern city), and I wear this type of outfit to more formal events where the male attorneys I’m with are wearing suits. Also, a follow up question: are the men in suits at this firm wearing patterned shirts/ties underneath their suits or is this more of a white button down/power tie situation? The latter is more formal and would mean that nylons, etc. would be necessary.

          And, I echo the person that said not to buy a suit if you can’t get it tailored by next week. You are going to look way more professional in a black sheath dress + tweed blazer than an untailored, ill-fitting suit.

    4. I think you need to buy the suit for a VBF client. I keep one (very formal) suit that I wear maaaybe 1-2x a year, but it’s just a cost of doing business.

  16. I need suggestions about things to do in Philadelphia with kids, ages 3 and 5! We’ll be going up for Memorial Day weekend and are really excited. We lived in Philly sans kids, so looking for any and all ideas.

    We spent 1/2 day in Philly last year. We only had the chance to do the Franklin Institute and that was fun but we would rather not do that again this time around.

    Would love to hear thoughts on what to do (great museums, playgrounds, etc.) and places to eat as well that are kid-friendly and vegetarian friendly. We went to Stella’s pizzeria last year and loved that. Thanks!

    1. Check out Shana Draguelis’ blog/instagram at The Mom Edit. I find her fashion choices confusing, but she has great kid-friendly Philly tips.

      The parks are a good way to enjoy nice weather -I like the farmers market in Rittenhouse square; you could get some snacks and have a picnic on the grass. Franklin Square park has a carousel. In front of the Basilica (18th/19thish at Logan circle) there’s a super fun water feature where kids can run through, and a little cafe. Spruce Street Harbor park is brand new and sounds great.

      The zoo is amazing, as is the Please Touch Museum. For quick sandwiches/breakfast, check out Rybread up by the art museum. You might also like LaCalaca Feliz for mexican food in that neighborhood.

      Have fun!

    2. The Philadelphia Zoo is an option. It’s been a while since I went, but I had fun even as an adult. There is also the Please Touch Museum and the Academy of Natural Sciences (dinosaur skeletons!).

      As for parks, the Smith Memorial Playground and Sister Cities Park come to mind.

      Have fun :)

    3. Definitely check out Smith Memorial Playground in Fairmount Park! Awesome space that’s free/donation only. There’s a giant wooden slide that you ride down on potato sacks.

    4. Your kids are the perfect age for Please Touch Museum. You can bring your own snacks and definitely get tickets for the carousel. Smith playground and zoo are great but right now, thunderstorms forecast sun and mon. Philly Phlash might be a fun way to get around center city- giant purple bus. Phil library is nice too, again for another indoor activity. Enjoy!!!

  17. Morning! Anyone stayed in London lately and have an AirBnB spot they loved? The trip isn’t until winter so most everything is open and I’m having such a hard time deciding. Looking ideally for two bedrooms but not a dealbreaker and very open to locations in the city. TIA!

    1. My mom and I stayed in a cute little flat in Kensington a few years ago. It was the top floor of one of those huge old houses, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a cute little kitchen and a huge living room, with a little balcony thing with a nice view of the city. The South Kensington tube stop is convenient to a lot of lines, it was pretty easy to get around from there.

  18. I have a coworker in biglaw who is very two-faced and acts like a tool. Every time I run into her, the first thing she would say is, “What are you working on?” She only wants to know what others are working on but never shares info about what she is working on. And she is only nice when she is asking the question. Once I tell her what I am working on, she goes back to ignoring me and acts like I don’t exist. Although I am polite towards her, I really don’t want to answer any of these questions going forward. But I always feel obligated to answer a question that was directed at me, even if it is someone I dislike. How can I answer her in a way that is not rude but does not give her what she wants? I’ve tried the vague approach where I’ll say that it’s a contractual dispute, but then she would just follow up with more specific questions or snicker at me for being vague. What is a good response that will stop her from asking me these questions?

    1. Wow you need to woman up here! Smile, say “oh I’m keeping busy! Hope you’re good, gotta run” and move on.

    2. Don’t stop to talk with her. Make an excuse and walk away. Don’t give her more information. Just don’t ask. Keep saying the vague answers you are. Let it be a little awkward.

    3. First answer: “Little bit of this and that”. After follow up question: “Oh [Sally], I’d let you know if I needed help.” Followed immediately by a change of subject, “Did you see the royal wedding photos?” (said while walking away or turning to the coffee machine).

      Seriously lawyer gal, you gotta get better at this like yesterday. Don’t you want to be in court one day? Or negotiate a deal one day? Do you plan to be a pushover in court/negotiations!?!?! Stop dreading these interactions and think of them as a time to practice conversations against adversaries/negotiating parties and also GROW A PAIR. She’s stopping all over you and you are letting her. All in the name of feminine niceness. Yuk. I would not hire you as my lawyer.

      1. Agree entirely with first paragraph and entire sentiment.cringing at grow a pair. Can we not resort to male genitalia when discussing how to respond to a difficult coworker?

        1. Although that is the likeliest implications of the phrase,ovaries also come in pairs ;). I appreciate adapting the phrase that way.

  19. Jumping off of the discussion regarding hats yesterday, does anyone here have a baseball cap that they love? I have a Nike one but would prefer under armour or lululemon. I would wear it for running errands and doing outdoor activities on weekends. Also, can’t figure out if I should go for black or something lighter (I have dark hair but pale complexion).

    1. I like a no-brand cotton baseball hat with a monogram on the front. Etsy has a done. But I’m southern, so my instinct is to monogram anything that doesn’t move. I particularly like a crisp white cap with a navy monogram, or a navy hat with kelly green monogram.

    2. YES! For the nylon type you seem to be leaning to, look at Topo Designs. I think the new ones have a small embroidered map on them (the company logo) but mine doesn’t have anything and it’s awesome. Made in the USA. Also want to hear others’ suggestions, I love caps in the summer.

    3. I have a lululemon one I like but I have a fairly big head and it just barely fits me. It’s white and it’s gross on the inside from sweat.

    4. I ordered this one off amazon and I’m really pleased with it, esp for the price. I wear it hiking (and for lazy Saturdays) and I love that it’s machine washable. (And it looks super cute in our hiking selfies ;) ) The brim is a bit longer than usual, so it’s great for keeping the sun out of your eyes.

      https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B06X8ZFX8G

    5. Any golf shop will have ladies’ fit hats. Black is a little masculine and they’ll have all more feminine colors.

    6. My favorite right now is plain blue with my alma mater’s logo on the front. Its one of those hats that’s supposed to look “vintage.”

    7. I don’t think this addresses the fit and flattering aspects you want, but national parks swag for the win! When my Smokey the Bear hat wore out, I bought one with a logo from the park I visit every year. They’re usually breathable all-cotton.

    8. I like the Hat Attack brand that’s sold on Shopbop. I have a basic navy baseball cap from them that I wear all the time.

  20. I want to update my “at home” wear. What sorts of comfortable lounge shorts are you wearing? Not looking to break the bank but want to steer away from anything that would be so cheap it’s sheer. I’m thinking like something I can throw on in the morning when we’re making breakfast/getting the kids ready, but is decent enough I can run out to the grocery store or whatever.

    Also would be glad for any “stay at home” bras for a larger chest – no underwire, but somewhat supportive.

    1. I like gapfit clothing for this purpose. I have a medium size chest and I really like the gapfit breathe low impact strappy sports bra and put it on immediately most days when I get home. It wouldn’t do for running, but it’s great for around the house and going on walks.

    2. Running shorts. Any brand you find comfortable. Mine are Nike and FWIW are all 5+ years old and still in great condition despite frequent use.

    3. What about decent looking twill shorts, with an actual fly and all? Don’t be a slob at the grocery store.

      1. I wear Athleta shorts, ordered in tall although I am only 5’6″, and Athleta linen-y tops around the house. I feel like it’s a step up from shorts.

      2. Yes, I do have twill shorts, but I also have a toddler who wipes snot on me, etc., so I like to “reserve” my twill shorts for times I actually want to look put together. I just want some cheapo shorts that are comfy but not sleep shorts. Thanks for all the recs!

    5. I love the Bali Women’s Comfort Revolution Wirefree Bra with Smart Sizes. Available at Amazon and Kohls and probably a slew of other places.

    6. The Sugar Candy Bra is excellent for comfortable at-home lounging without feeling like you’re braless.

    7. I just bought these in navy at Old Navy on Sunday, and they’re really great. They are 1000x better than the old mesh shorts I was kicking around in from college, and the inseam is more adult appropriate. I see sizes are limited online but the store had a ton of pairs in navy, black and olive.
      https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=203118012&vid=1

      For the purpose you want them to fill, I love jogger pants (pockets!!). I’ve found good ones at Athleta, Eddie Bauer and fabletics.

  21. It depends whether the women at the client office also wear suits. In a lot of the formal meetings I have attended, the men wear suits but women wear dresses or nonmatching separates and my black suit makes me look boring and like I’m interviewing.

  22. Question for discussion/debate:

    How do you view interactions/friendships with people you feel have problematic views?

    I am trying to be open minded but to be honest, I’m failing. I had a conversation with a friend who was defending Jordan Peterson (his view was that he says dumb things sometimes but he has a lot of good points). I just find Jordan Peterson absolutely abhorrent and said no to meeting up with this friend in the moment just because I was a bit upset/caught off guard.

    But the thing I’ve been wondering is: where do you draw the line?

    I am trying to stay away from problematic men in the pop culture I consume so I try to read a lot of books written by women, especially women of color and watch tv/movies that have more diverse casts but I’m not sure how to answer this in my personal interactions.

    I thought I would throw this out to the smart women here to get some perspectives.

    1. I draw the line at actions and concrete beliefs. So I would take issue if someone held e.g., racist views but I don’t have an issue with someone saying that someone I find abhorrent makes some good points. In fact, many people I find abhorrent do make at least one or two interesting/good points, which is probably why their abhorrent beliefs gain traction in the first place. I think if you truly want diversity in your life then that has to include diversity of ideas to some extent at least.

      Also just think about someone like Charlie Rose: expressed all the “right” ideas probably, but acted like an actual creep. So I’d judge your friend based more on his behavior. That said, I’d certainly ask about what good points he approved of and take it from there.

      1. +1

        Ask in what respect the person agrees with Jordan Peterson. Have the conversation. Personally the only thing I know about Peterson is something vague about free speech law in Canada, and that he was on Econtalk recently. I know basically nothing about him other than that though so I’m not sure what the controversy is that makes OP say he’s abhorrent, actually. I don’t remember hearing him say anything hateful in that interview.

    2. I don’t have friends who think women are sub-human. Simple. You defend Jordan Peterson great! We are not friends. Bye.

      1. I’m asking this question sincerely. I have seen a lot of press about Jordan Peterson in the past few days and weeks. As a result of this, I’ve listened to a few of his podcasts and read several articles by him. I do understand that many “men’s rights” activists, etc., are fans of his. Can you share any articles or comments by Jordan Peterson himself that indicate he views women as sub-human, etc? The things I have been reading have not focused much on gender dynamics. I did read an article about the free speech matter in Canada but it seemed that that had more to do with transgendered people and preferred pronouns.

    4. I’m struggling with this, too. Especially when they’re friends who have been in my life for years and have been kind to me. (What’s the point of cutting them off from my life and reinforcing the idea that us libt*rds are intolerant/ungrateful when I could put in the energy to lead by example? But that’s a lot of mental and emotional energy.) For me, I’ve drawn the line when they are openly hostile to a group of people or to specific people I know. If I see them do something homophobic or racist, etc. I voice my disappointment and let them know why I’m not ok with it and why I don’t want to spend time with someone who does that. For comments, I explain why I think it’s wrong to say xyz racist or sexist thing and hope over time it has an impact. I’m not sure if this is the right approach, but it has been draining, I have to say.

      1. I don’t owe anyone friendship and I don’t have enough time in my life to be friends with horrible people.

    5. So I feel like maybe the Jordan Peterson thing is a bigger thing in Canada but there was a profile in the NYT on Friday where he said that violence by incels happened because women were rejecting them and the societal response is “enforced monogamy”.

      Thanks for the comments – I think where I’m struggling is that I want to be open minded and I don’t want to cut off friends who have been in my life for years but I’m so tired of having to justify my views and having to feel like I need to justify my existence as a non white woman. It just is not relaxing when I feel like I need to be on edge and explain why certain things are problematic on my limited free time.

      Anyways food for thought – thanks again

    6. I think everyone has a line. For me, I do not have pro-life friends who actually believe that laws should reflect their beliefs.

      You would carry a dying baby/risk your life/have a baby as a result of assault no matter what? Great.

      You think that there should be a law forcing me to make the same choice? Bye, Felicia. Bye.

      1. Never too many – this is not really directed to you, but I see this argument on this website all of the time and it makes me crazy. I am what I think of as pro-choice, but the vast majority of my family is pro-life and not a single one thinks anyone should be forced to carry to term when the pregnancy is not viable or the life of the mother is at risk (although they do not include mental health in that). Many, although not all, are even willing to make an exception for rape and incest, although they are less comfortable with that. They just do not think that healthy women with healthy babies who are conceived through consensual s*x should be allowed to murder their babies (and that is truly how they see it).

        Go to a website catering to the pro-life crowd and you will hear that those of us who are pro-choice think that a women with a healthy baby should be allowed to walk into a clinic the day before she is due and have her baby sawed up and removed from her uterus in pieces. I have similarly never met a single pro-choice person who holds that position, although I am sure some exist.

        This is a real and genuine dispute over when life begins. I fall on your side of the argument. Having said that, presenting it in a way that is so extreme just makes it easy for people on the other side to dismiss you.

        1. “I have similarly never met a single pro-choice person who holds that position, although I am sure some exist.”

          Because the “sawing out (near full-term) babies” nonsense is straw-man argument with no basis in reality, that’s why no one “holds that position.”

          1. That is pretty much my point. The overwhelming majority of pro-choice people would support some reasonable limitation on the right to abortion. The overwhelming majority of pro-life people would support the right to an abortion for a women when the pregnancy has a real risk to her physical health. The dispute is whether healthy women carrying health (potential) babies should be allowed to have abortions.

            Personally I think that they should – at least to the point of reasonable viability. But when pro-choice people form the debate as “pro-life people want me to continue with a pregnancy even if they baby is going to die the minute the cord is cut and/or the pregnancy might kill me” they make it easy to dismiss the rest of their perfectly reasonable arguments.

            In other words, the straw man arguments exist on both sides and we are not helping out position by adopting it.

        2. I get your point about exaggeration, but I don’t think there is exaggeration going on here. Look up the Savita Halappanavar case.

        3. I’m not sure if this is the result of political polarization or what, but I know multiple people who hold both of these extreme positions (the “day before the due date” position as well as the position that there should be no exceptions for rape, incest, or risk to the life of the mother).

          As far as I know, the political pro-choice movement continues to oppose fetus adoption (whereas to me, the right to terminate a pregnancy seems very different from the right to terminate the fetus, if artificial wombs someday made every fetus technically viable). Meanwhile, the political pro-life movement recently fought health insurance coverage of contraception, and the pro-life activists I know are opposed to artificial wombs on the grounds that women should not be able to get out of pregnancy (and say so in so many words). Maybe people who aren’t politically invested hold more moderate views (though I have to say, your pro-life family who insist that this murder but not in the case of rape seem to be showing that their real interest lies in controlling women, since that’s not how a “when life begins” argument would play out).

          1. In my general experience, consistency has not been a hallmark of the extreme political left or right! (But if I may be permitted an opinion based on my own observation, particularly the right). There is a reason that political discussions are prohibited at all family gatherings!

            And that I left the South and now live in California!

    7. I just don’t discuss things where I wouldn’t want to hear the persons opinion if it was the opposite of mine. I live somewhere for work where many people have opposing political views from mine. The potential pool of friends is very shallow. I’m lucky to have made a few friends in this community. I know at least one husband and I have very opposite political views. We have both agreed to not discuss them around each other and enjoy each other’s company and the other good things about each other.

    8. I might look past it if we can just not talk about the issue that divides us, and I generally enjoy talking to them and spending time with them. I do find that a person who’s against feminism is also kind of rude to women in general though. But I like to post political stuff on social media sometimes, and I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but if someone is constantly antagonizing me, and then getting into arguments with my friends and being an uncivil jerk about it, I’d seriously rethink having any sort of connection with them.

      1. ^ agree with this. I live in a heavily red area and if I refused to be friends with republicans I wouldn’t have friends. Also, I was raised by very conservative republican parents, and it was because of my friendships with liberal folks that I questioned and then changed my beliefs. I’m glad they were friends with me.

        1. +1

          I don’t know where I’d be today if it weren’t for the people who were willing to overlook my conservative religious upbringing and all the ignorance and wrongheadedness that came with it. I know I would not be happily living out the life that community wanted for me; there was quite literally no future for me there. I am sure there are many children and young adults who feel equally trapped and isolated, and I think it’s important to reach them somehow with the possibility of better things.

    9. My daughter is good friends with a kid whose family holds political beliefs diametrically opposed to our own, and I am friends with the mom. We seem to have an unspoken agreement to avoid divisive topics. This has worked very well for us over the years, although a mutual friend has had issues with the daughter saying not-nice things to her daughter (apparently cluelessly). Our family is not on social media, which makes it much easier. It also helps that our kids have grown up together and we’ve know each other for a long time.

      That said, at some point a fundamental difference in philosophy and worldview makes people incompatible as actual friends. Only you know what that point is.

    10. To be frank, someone’s particular views are not usually not just “views”. They have meaning and clear implications of how others are treated in this country and the world. So while I’ll call people out if they say something racist, homophobic, etc., I don’t think I am obligated to be more than acquaintances with them because they were nice to me before they showed their beliefs.

      Times are stressful, so I’ve made it a point to choose my surroundings carefully.

  23. I’m feeling annoyed about the facetime requirement of my job. Started writing this late yesterday afternoon but decided to post this morning since the morning post seems to get more traffic.

    I an in-house attorney on a small team within a larger department. My team has a face-time expectation between 8-5, regardless of what might or might not be going on, for reasons I do not fully understand. The other teams within the department do not seem to have this same expectation and I’m not sure why it’s different for them, aside from the fact that it’s something that is important to my team’s boss. My boss’ boss is pretty hands off and doesn’t appear to have any interest in or patience for things of this nature.

    I get that bosses are allowed to have expectations whether or not their employees think they are reasonable, but in addition to that, my team rotates taking call after hours. This past weekend I got 6 calls, 3 of which were in the middle of the night. So yesterday afternoon I was sitting at my desk having a slow day and also having a hard time finding the motivation to pick up a long-term project or something because, in part, I was so effing tired from not sleeping over the weekend. I came from a firm where I was more or less free to come and go as I pleased as long as the work got done, and it’s driving me crazy that even though I was on the phone with work at all hours over the weekend and even though things were slow yesterday, there’s an expectation that I remain at my desk until 5.

    I’m not sure what I’m looking for, aside from a vent, but it does feel a bit better to just get it out and if anybody has any thoughts or suggestions or wants to commiserate, I’m all ears. Thanks.

    1. Does your boss know about your middle of the night calls? Can you ask your boss if you can specifically come in an hour later or something if you’re up late for a middle of the night call? You could arrange to tell him/her when that happens so they’ll know why you’re coming in late. It just seems like a reasonable request to me.

      My office has similar face time requirements but I also never get calls in the middle of the night on the weekend, so it seems reasonable to me.

    2. So this is why I am not in-house anymore and I work at a firm, where you can work wherever you have Wi-Fi access. Everyone here thinks that in-house is the holy grail but no one talks about the downsides. Most law firm lawyers have better job security the longer you work because you build a book of portable clients, while my in-house manager was laid off because his pay was high and he was the target of budget cuts. If you want something else, consider joining a midsized firm.

    3. I think it’s one of the trade-offs you make going in-house from law firm. You are a cost center supporting a business team or function, so you are expected to be available to them during normal business hours, plus the rotating on call hours, which is uncommon but not particularly unreasonable for in-house. In exchange, you get to go home at a reasonable hour (five is early even for in-house), not have billable targets, and get your life back. Honestly, it’s harsh but just suck it up and get used to it, it’s completely normal

  24. What are the workhorses in your wardrobe that just. keep. going. and look sharp wear after wear? I’m realizing that the Theory pants I reach for 2-3 times a week have been in the rotation for 3 years without fading or stretching out of shape. Same for my Equipment blouses (but only the thicker silk crepe fabric–the sheer chiffon snags if you look at it wrong). I really want to edit my whole wardrobe to consist of similar foolproof, crazy durable items and was curious if the rest of you ladies have similar HG pieces!

    2. For me this is about material content. I am wearing J.Cr3w pants from 15 years ago that my mom bought me in high school that are still better quality than anything I buy today. They are lined, wool content and somehow always look ‘fresh’ even when sitting in them all day. (That being said, I didn’t really wear them much in college because *college* or too much in law school because they are a wider leg and styles were skinner.) Now the wider leg style is back in and I am reaching for them again because they are just better than my current purchases.

      I also have a Ralph Lauren merino wool/cashmere mix cardigan that I have worn nearly every day since 2009 ish. It is my office sweater and thin mid-layer commuting sweater in colder weather. After all this wear, it still looks new. I think it’s a combination of the wool/cashmere (no pilling) as well as the knit being a bit tighter and smaller. I didn’t know it when I bought it but it has outlasted so many other cardigans.

    3. I have a ponte dress with sleeves and pockets that is Merona from Target that has been a workhorse in my wardrobe for over five years. I think I paid $20 for the dress. More recent workhorse pieces are JCrew Factory’s “Drapey pull on pants” (still available online), and a stretchy ponte skirt I got at Costco in fall of 2017.

    4. I have a grey ponte dress I bought on sale from the Gap that I’ve had about 7 years. It’s served me well, still looks good, and I still get compliments on it. Ditto the Banana Republic Gemma wrap dress. I’ve had it for a while, but it’s help up really nicely.

  25. Random Question for the hive! This is more of a curiosity than a “need to know” but…I have a rose bush in front of my house – they’re called Fragrant Cloud and live up to the name. I’ve been been bringing a few cut roses inside in a vase for the past couple of weeks. Last week, I had a lone rose in a vase and noticed tiny green “pellets” all over the bottom of the vase. I thought maybe the rose had aphids and they all fell in the water, but they’re not bugs. I rinsed the vase out, put the rose back in, and it’s still depositing these green “pellets”. They’re all identical in shape, they’re def not bugs, I have no idea what they are. I googled it but couldn’t find anything. The previous roses I have didn’t do this, and I wash the vase and change the water out frequently. Any master gardeners know what this could be? More of a curiosity than anything else!

      1. They seem like they’re made out of the same material as the stem. Although I probably shouldn’t take any chances….the idea of them being bug related makes me twitch!

    2. Do you have a local extension office? In my area they’ll do identifications for you and will give advice on what to do about bugs or diseases.

  26. Academics – a question for you. I’m a government lawyer now and I’m thinking about down-shifting my career some day. The idea of being a college professor has always piqued my interest. I wouldn’t want to be a tenured professor at a major university; just maybe a writing or poli sci/gov’t professor at a small, local college or community college. For kicks, I pulled up a small college in a small town I’m interested in moving to someday, and the requirements for teaching openings seemed very broad – just that you have a Masters and some teaching experience. Do the academics here have any insight about what that experience might be like? Or how I should get teaching experience in the meantime?

    1. Ha, I wouldn’t expect you to get a lot of traction with academics by referring to your transition from government attorney to academia as “down-shifting” your career.

      1. OP here – sorry about that! I meant it more as slowing down my life’s pace (quasi-retirement, small town), not the quality or meaning of work.

        1. You’re just digging yourself into a deeper hole. The academic job market is even more oversaturated than the legal market, so it’s pretty hard to get a job without a Ph.D unless you have very specific expertise or a connection to the department. Do you have a masters? Even an adjunct position ($3000-5000 per course, no benefits) is hard to get without a Ph.D. or specific expertise, which it doesn’t sound like you have if you’re talking about teaching writing or poli sci, not law. The possible exception is if they’re in a remote area and really desperate for someone to cover a class at the last minute. Then you might be able to get a foot in the door, but you’d still probably need some sort of teaching experience.

    2. Be aware that those positions are likely to be very poorly paid adjunct opportunities. There are too many academics (PhDs) for the jobs available, so while you likely can get an adjunct, its not a career so much as cobbling together poorly paid gigs. I know many academics who adjunct at 2-4 different community colleges and qualify for food stamps.

    3. If by “down-shift” you mean “retire,” you can make a few thousand dollars adjuncting in a field relevant to your work experience.

      If you want to make a living at this, consider teaching poli sci, writing, or government at the high school level. Think about what it is about college teaching that appeals to you, and there may be some public, private, or charter school that captures those things that appeal to you but which also actually pays a living wage.

  27. Does anyone actually benefit from being a member of the ABA? I’ve been a member for 15 years and now I’m wondering why I’m throwing $500 toward an organization where I don’t go to any of their meetings and don’t read their publications and also disagree with how they accredit something like 7 new law schools every year. Not trying to start an argument but genuinely curious if you feel that the benefits are worth the annual cost, even if your firm will pay for it (mine always has).

    1. I terminated my longtime ABA membership eight years ago when I realized the only benefit I was using was the travel discounts I used in my personal travel. They still email me the publications I used to get, so I don’t feel I’ve lost anything.

    2. I remember being a student and listening to the pitch and thinking that they didn’t provide much of value. I’ve never joined.

      1. Does the ABA have good CLE options? That’s the main reaon I join associations.

    3. I think the ABA Business Law Section has great content if you are deal-oriented, so that’s why I stay. I never go to meetings or anything though. PLI and NYSBA have much better CLEs for cheaper, IMHO.

  28. We have heavy construction going on outside of my office. It has been going on for several weeks and is forecasted for 3 months (!!), and everyone is miserable.

    There is constant banging and drilling. Our building shakes. Youtube doesn’t help. Any other suggestions? I’ve thought about noise cancelling headphones.

    At first, it gave me a headache. Now, it is making me very unproductive as the rhythm kind of makes me drift off.

    1. Some musicians I know use special earplugs that soften loud noise without blocking voices. (This came up because they were wearing them at a noisy bar to make conversation easier.) I’ve been thinking about buying some ever since.

    2. No suggestions, but I’m in the same boat. Jack-hammering for two weeks now…and I have a migraine today. Ughhhh.

  29. There was a discussion recently about whether or not to watch the new season of 13 Reasons Why, I watched it over the weekend (don’t judge) and thought I would add to the discussion. I don’t think it glorifies Hannah’s actions at all. I think it shows the messy and heartbreaking aftermath, the pain, hurt, and anger felt by people she loved and the ambivalence of people she wanted to blame. I would say if you enjoyed the show, go ahead and watch season 2.

    2. I am watching. I find every character in the show to be better developed than Hannah’s. I find her confusing and inconsistent and not reflective of high school kids I knew/know. The second season seems to muddy those waters significantly. What am I missing? Or is that the point?

  30. Anybody have a beach towel they love? Everything on Amazon seems hit or miss.

    2. Land’s End too–I think they have 40%. Theirs last years and have great stripey colors. Costco also has good ones and RLL ones at Macy’s are very thick and often on sale too. I like either really thick ones or really thin ones–thin if I need it to dry fast, thick if I want it to use several times in one day, if that makes sense.

      1. Land’s End is doing 50% off beach towels right now, so this was perfect! Thank you!

  31. I wanted to share a recommendation, because I know there are often hunts here for comfortable ponte blazers. I just ordered the Emily soft blazer from Miik and I really like it. It’s a bit expensive, but the quality is great and the fabric is really nice compared with the Olivia Moon blazers I have had in the past. And it comes in so many colours!! Also they have the same blazer with white piping, and others with stripes, under slightly different names.
    The fit is true to size. And the company is Canadian, so it’s easier for us north of the border (returns were not free, but at least I didn’t have to pay duties and taxes for the import).
    I had also bought the matching skirt, called “June simple skirt” but it was super short and felt cheap for the price, in my opinion.

    I’m not working for the company and not looking for a referral, just wanted to share a good find!

  32. Has anyone experienced serious cold feet when leaving Biglaw? I’ve been offered an in-house job in a dream industry with great pay and benefits and am in the midst of negotiating the package.

    I’ve thought long and hard about it over the weekend and I’ve no idea why I’m feeling so ambivalent about it. Part of me think that I’m just having a huge identity crisis at the thought of losing my “Biglaw Associate” status – a remnant of the past 5 years in this lifestyle, and Ivy League law before that, where Biglaw was all that everyone was gunning for. I’ve never identified as anything else. Also, a part of me keeps thinking of the opportunities that I haven’t experienced yet because I’ve basically been a paper-pushing minion thus far – I barely have trial experience, haven’t first-chaired a hearing, haven’t brought in my own client, etc. and feeling sad that I’ll never get to do it ever again.

    Yet this job is a dream – think fashion / hospitality industry / something similarly that I’ve always dreamt of. Children are also on the cards in the next year (DH and I are trying) – I hardly think I could cope in Biglaw because it’s so draining (so hard to garden during a specific time of the month as it is), which was why I’d sent my CV into the recruiter in the first place. I’m also afraid, as a litigator, that such an opportunity won’t come by again, especially as I get more senior.

    Is this a sign that I should stick out longer in Biglaw? Or is it just fear of the unknown? Grateful for your thoughts in advance, thanks!

    1. If you live your life according to external status markers, you’ll never be happy. And seriously, no one is that impressed with biglaw outside of biglaw. If you can get out of your head and realize this is a great opportunity and see it that way it will be.

      1. +1. Who do you – deep inside yourself – ignoring others and what you think they think you “should” do – want to be?

      2. +1. I left Big Law after just 2.5 years (that was always my plan — to land somewhere with a paycheck and then quickly transition to a non-profit) and was thrilled to move on. I personally never found it all that impressive that someone was in Big Law. This sounds harsh, but it always seemed like the thing law students did if they didn’t know what else to do but liked to make money. I now recognize that that’s not true for most people, but I never found it as prestigious as some other law jobs (i.e. ACLU attorney, Supreme Ct clerk, etc.).

          1. No, I didn’t, though I did admittedly go to a top ten law school. I just tend to think of Big Law lawyers as mostly motivated by money and willing to sacrifice their personal lives to get it. I don’t find that all that impressive. I also saw that Big Law jobs were a lot easier to get than some of the competitive non-profits jobs I wanted (and didn’t get for many years).

    2. Sounds like fear of the unknown to me. Do you actually like your job? Or just that it’s prestigious? It sounds like the latter, and that’s not a reason to stay in a job, to me.

    3. It’s totally a fear of the unknown. Don’t mistake nostalgia for regret. No one gives a crap about biglaw. As a non lawyer who reads this s it e, it seems like people have to be obsessed with the “status” (not even real) of biglaw in order to make themselves feel better about having no time for friends, hobbies, dating, etc.

      1. +1. Same here. I’m sure Big Law means something to other lawyers, but for the rest of us? Not so much.

      3. I was in your shoes, but I went from BigLaw to the city attorney’s office. I also didn’t want to “lose the title.” But now that I have been actually doing litigation instead of the paper pushing you describe, I fail to see why biglaw is viewed as so prestigious. I have learned and developed more professionally in the past year in government than I did in 7+ years in biglaw.

    4. Definitely leave now. In litigation, it’s extremely hard to move from biglaw to in-house. Make the move while you can.

      I’ve worked in biglaw, gov’t, and in-house. The prestige of biglaw is honestly a total bubble. When you’re in the thick of it, you’re surrounded by people telling you how prestigious it is, etc. When I left biglaw, I realized no one cares and found myself largely feeling sorry for my friends who are still killing themselves working crazy law firm hours.

    5. I asked basically the same question on this board ~3 years ago. Got a lot of comments that I interpreted as “get over yourself, no one thinks biglaw lawyers are as important as they think they are.” And everyone was right, the only thing I liked about biglaw was the “prestige.” So I made the jump, have normal hours now, make more money, and in general have been thrilled to land in such a supportive environment that truly recognizes good work. Clearly, I landed well. I don’t know where you’re thinking about jumping to, that should be the deciding factor I would think, but when I actually laid out the pros and cons of moving, it was an easy decision for me.

      Oh, and final note, your career will be long. People moving back to law firms, even biglaw, is not unheard of. Don’t assume you won’t ever land your first client, if that’s important to you ;) Just plan your career path accordingly.

  33. I think you should go for it and give it a try. You can always go back to practising law (probably not Biglaw though) if you eventually miss aspects of it like going to trial, arguing motions, etc.

  34. We are very similar. I just spent 5years in BigLaw. I went straight from undergrad to law school, so it was my first and only actual job. And I did well, had generally good colleagues, but was getting weighed down by the hours and also only getting work in a very very niche practice area. Looking to have kids with DH in 2-3 years. Also was afraid this was my one shot to get out of litigation.

    So I left. My last day was Friday, so take this with a grain of salt. I was very torn over the decision to take a new job (less so-called prestige and leaving a job where I was comfortable and was the go-to person for many issues, but will soon have hopefully great work and hours). And when I left on Friday, I definitely shed some tears in my office, which was pretty fitting giving how much time I spent crying in my office previously. It was very bittersweet, but I’ve had no regrets since making the decision to leave about 2 months ago. If anything, I am more convinced that I made the right move for me and my life.

    Not sure if that’s helpful, but fwiw, I totally understand the position you’re in, and wish you the best in deciding!

    1. This was me 2.5 years ago. Ivy undergrad straight to ivy law, then 5 years in big law. Generally liked it fine for the first 3-4 years, the last year got TOUGH. Landed a job in my dream company/industry (major hollywood studio). DH and I moved to LA and have been here since. I’m now preggo with my 1st kid. Are there things I miss about biglaw? Yes – the money, the lack of facetime, the secretary, the tech services, and New York in general. But I love being a part of something awesome, I love the films we produce, and I’ve adjusted to in-house life. I also think having a kid here will be much better. I get feeling like you might be losing some of your law firm associate identity, but you find a new one and it sounds like you are being presented with a really desirable opportunity. Go for it!

  35. Would it be weird to bring my own nail polish to a nail salon? I’m thinking of splurging on Dior Nail Glow as a nude/clear but better nail color. I don’t get manis often but when I do I think I’d prefer to use the Dior.

    1. Not weird at all. I bring my own polish all the time when there is a particular color I want that the salon doesn’t carry.

    2. I bring my own nail polish (OPI) to my salon because I want to make sure that I have the exact color to fix the inevitable chips (I’m very, very, very hard on my nails, see also why I mainly stick to pedicures). In my medium-size city hometown, this was pretty standard. In the DC suburbs, the technicians seem constantly surprised by it. No one’s refused though, so I ignore the surprise and move on.

      2. This is such a good idea. My polish always chips and I refuse to do no-chip because it takes too much time and ruins your nails.

    3. This is not at all weird and rather common, but I wouldn’t do it with Nail Glow. You can do it yourself – it’s part of why I love it. You don’t have to do any cuticle maintenance, just trim your nails and paint, it dries super fast and it looks awesome! Yes, I can paint my nails red at home, too, but the look requires so much more maintenance is and is so much more likely to look terrible if not perfect – and takes forever to dry. Save the BYO-polish for an actual color. O

      1. I feel a little dumb asking this, but do you need to use polish remover to remove the Nail Glow? It sounds like it’s kind of a treatment rather than a normal polish.

        1. Sorry for the late response but yes, it is normal clear polish that has a very pinky glow to it but apply and remove just like normal clear polish.

    4. Yep I bring my own (OPI/Butter/CND level) because I travel a ton and want to do touch ups on the road. I’ve never had a side eye from the random salons I’ve visited in DC, NYC, Chicago, SF, LA, Houston, Portland, etc. I’m not going to fancy spas though, just your standard “Lady Nails” place in a random building near a hotel.

      Especially now that it’s summer, you’ll see a lot of people do it and you’ll hear many breezy “Oh I’m going to the beach next week and want to touch up any chips while I’m there!” so it seems like it’s a pretty common thing.

  36. Lands’ End is offering 50% off all swimwear today through 11:59 PM Central time! (Code WAVES, PIN 2018)

Comments are closed.