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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Raw-Cut Fringe Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. raw-edge-blazer-banana-republic-2I keep waiting for this cool raw-cut edge fringe blazer to go on sale at Banana Republic, but it never does. It comes in a bright orange (that actually looks great, considering it's an orange blazer), and this muted navy; at full price it's $168. I like the generally sharp lines to it mixed with the raw fringe edge, the welt pockets, and the fact that it comes in regular and petites, sizes 0-16. Orange isn't my color, but it must be others — the matching pants are almost sold out in the orange, but still available in the navy; there's a matching miniskirt in orange as well. Pictured: Raw-Cut Fringe Blazer If you're looking for a plus size option in orange, this unusual blazer comes in a ZILLION colors, including orange (here and here). (Anyone have it and want to weigh in?) Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

338 Comments

  1. My boyfriend’s mother lives with him. She is still married to his dad who is overseas. However, she wants to stay with my boyfriend to make sure he’s okay until his visa gets sorted out. My boyfriend is in his 30s. He says this is just temporary and then she’ll join his dad in a year or so. However, he has hinted at times that his mother would live with us. I am not okay with that. Would you guys be okay with your future mother-in-law living with you?

    1. No. I would not.

      I am Indian and this is quite common for Indians but would result in divorce for me.
      The exception is if the in laws are old and ailing.

      1. Hmm for me it’s the opposite. I wouldn’t be enthused about it, but I’d grudgingly accept an in-law or parent who was still independent and active, because having a third adult around to help with household chores and childcare would provide some significant benefits and we have a basement “in-law suite” with a bedroom and bath so they could have an entire floor of our house to themselves. But an ailing in-law that I have to take care of and is essentially an additional kid? No thanks. There are people I can pay for that, who are far better at it than I am, so why would I try to do it myself? I’d definitely support moving my parents/in-laws to an assisted living facility in my city so my husband and I could visit regularly, but frankly, I’d be worried about them falling down and hurting themselves in our multi-story home. Nursing homes are designed with the needs of frail, elderly adults in mind; normal single-family homes aren’t.

        1. I’m of a similar mind with Anonymous; I’d be open to my mom, or my SO’s parents, living with us in an in-law suite-type setup. But the personalities in question matter so, so much. We could all get along fine. My dad, on the other hand–no chance. I love him but he’s such a busybody and has very different ideas about appropriate boundaries than I do.

          Either way, OP, you need to talk about this with your boyfriend directly. “Hey, BF, it sounds like you might want your mom to end up living with us permanently in the future. Tell me more about that.”

      2. Yeah, this is super common among Indian families but it wouldn’t work for me. In fact, my MIL was going to move in with us permanently (for those long time readers, I was the one whose MIL was going to move into our 2 bed in the city). The more we thought about it, the more we realized it was a bad idea. And especially as you guys are just starting out in your relationship, that’s particularly tough.

        However, in this case it sounds like MIL is not from the US and probably is not going to feel comfortable living in a separate place by herself, correct?

    4. Nope. And I like my MIL a lot and I’d be thrilled if she moved to our city and we could see her a few times a week. But I couldn’t handle her living with us forever. It probably goes without saying, but if this is common in your BF’s culture it could be a big issue and it’s best to get it sorted out now.

    5. Not in this scenario.

      But I understand the brother’s situation, and feel a bit sorry for him.

      I would let an elderly relative move in, if I had a family and everyone agreed and if I had kids and if we lived I an accessible home and city and….. A lot of ifs.

    7. Nope. Nope. Shut it down. If this is how he acts now when you’re just dating, imagine how much worse it will be when you’re married.

    8. Why does a grown man in his 30’s need a mother living in his home, right now, to take care of him while he is sorting out his Visa? Is she cooking all his meals, cleaning his house, washing his clothes etc….? I’d be a little concerned…

      1. Hmmm but if mom is going to continue doing that for both of them, could be a win/win. It’s not for me but there are people that pay a lot of money for that kind of household assistance.

    9. I have friends who do this and it really works well for them. She is a partner in a law firm and has zero stress about who is going to pick up the kids or getting hime to make dinner. So much support. I know that it wouldn’t work for every family, but it can be amazing.

      1. Yeah, I know this scenario sounds insane for many but this set up in extremely common in many Asian cultures. The in laws do all the cooking, cleaning, help with childcare, etc., and the kids form a really close bond with their grandparents. It can work out wonderfully, but only if you have an excellent pre-existing relationship with your in laws.

    10. Early in our relationship my husband was really honest with me about his mom’s finances. She’s not going to be able to care for herself in retirement financially, and I suspect this is going to be increasingly common. While I never imagined sharing my life, my future and my home with a mother-in-law, when the times comes and she’s unable to provide for herself, she will live with us, and we will figure out how to make it work.

      1. My advice for this situation is provide her with her own bedroom and bathroom if at all possible. My MIL doesn’t live with us but does come for extended visits (one month twice a year). It is a huge huge difference in how stressful I find the visits now that she has her own bathroom, bedroom and a small kitchenette/sitting area in the basement. She often has her tea and eats her breakfast downstairs in the morning and by the time she comes up, I’m on my way out the door to work so I usually only see her for dinner time.

        1. That’s definitely something we’re budgeting for and saving towards. We’re lucky that in our area home developers are increasingly adding “casitas” to new construction homes specifically for this purpose. They’re semi-detached, have a bedroom, bathroom, and often a small kitchenette. Our home right now wouldn’t accommodate this kind of set-up without a lot of tripping over one another, so it’s something we’re keeping in mind for the future.

      2. The cost of actual living and food is minimal, but if/when she becomes seriously ill, are you planning to cover her medical expenses?
        Indigent seniors are entitled to subsidized housing, Medicaid and other benefits that vary by state. If she has no assets, you can place her on waiting lists or at least research what she can get.

        1. This is certainly something we have to do more research on, specifically whether we can get long term care insurance for her. I know she has a city pension and the benefits include health insurance for some amount of time post-retirement, but it’s important that we understand all of the various options, especially because the city could very well go bankrupt and withdraw pension benefits.

          1. Honestly, that is not likely to happen, thank goodness. Usually it is the younger generation that loses out.

            Long term care insurance is not what it used to be, and is less often cost effective.

    12. It doesn’t matter how we feel. It’s about how you feel. If you and BF are talking about moving in together and planning a future together, then parents living with you has to be part of that conversation. He needs to stop “hinting” and have a straightforward conversation with you about whether his mom will be living with him and for how long. And you need to dig deep and figure out what you’re OK with and what you’re not.

      If you’re very against his mother living with you, then do not move in with him while she’s still living there. “A year or so” is too indefinite a time frame, it’s too long, and it’s contingent upon a visa situation that you probably don’t know that much about and that, in itself, is likely uncertain. If I were in your shoes, I would be in wait and see mode – observe how well he communicates with you about the living situation and whether he’s willing to impose boundaries. Is he going to put your relationship on hold because he won’t make mom get an apartment after, say, a year of housing her for free? Do he and his parents have a plan B and C and D in case dad doesn’t get the visa, or loses the job, or mom isn’t able to join him for whatever reason? All things I would want to know.

    13. As others have noted, this can have benefits you may want to consider, but I know I wouldn’t be open to having a boyfriend’s mother living with the two of us if we were to move in together, let alone if/when we get married, so it’s totally reasonable to speak up and say it’s his life, but that living situation will not work for you.

      Personally, I’d be concerned that a guy who lives with his mother may not be capable of living without her, or may expect a live-in girlfriend to take on a motherly role in the household if that’s what he’s used to. Take note of whether they still have a mother/child dynamic as far as household chores go; is she doing most of the things, or does he seem to be an active and equal participant?

    14. I can see this situation continuing indefinitely. I think your BF only says it’s temporary to placate you, so effectively he is either not being truthful about his plans, or unable to be firm with his mother to resolve this situation. And this is the grounds for dumping him.
      His visa problems are a concern, too.

    15. I think it’s one thing to have an elderly parent or a parent who needs help for any reason move in with you after you’ve been married. We’ve been married seven years and I feel like we could handle it at this point. But from the get go? No. Those early years of just us and my (who quickly became OUR) dog were insanely precious.

    16. It would be a deal breaker for me unless there were very, very firm boundaries established (including a solid timeline and end date) and I 100% trusted my SO to put the needs of our marriage first. I would not enter such a situation without fully discussing ALL hypothetical outcomes, including how we’ll deal with inevitable situations where my needs as spouse and his mother’s needs are in conflict, etc etc etc. I’d talk the issue to death and make sure we’re aligned and that I feel safe in the situation.

    17. I would be okay with my MIL living with me for the last 5-10 years of her life if she were infirm and unable to live on her own, but otherwise, no.

      Assuming you live with your boyfriend, or are planning to live with your boyfriend, I think it’s reasonable for you to say that you would not be willing to live with his MIL. It’s best to get clear on what both your expectations are now, rather than when MIL asks to move in.

    18. Been there, done that. Soon after we got married, we lived with my MIL for 3 months because we were between leases. We knew we’d be moving out of state, and it made more sense to live with her than get a sublet for 3 months. However, she had a 2 bedroom apartment and worked 2nd shift. We had our own bedroom and bathroom, and I didn’t see her that often due to our work schedules. I would only do it in a term limited situation. On weekends, she definitely wanted to cook, wash laundry, and clean for us (read: my husband). I appreciated her help, but being married is about being independent. It would have caused problems if we’d been there for an extended, undefined amount of time.

      I should note my husband and his mom are also immigrants. Culturally, its typical for in laws to live with you, but my husband is very Americanized and didn’t want to live like that forever.

    20. Not only can I not imagine doing this with a hypothetical future in law, there is no way I would subject a significant other to my parents, who are lovely humans with absolutely no sense of boundaries. It’s pretty common in my community and family to do this, but I have already told my parents that I don’t think this would work well with our personalities and I’m hoping they will continue to agree with me as they age….

    21. It would depend on the MIL’s personality, how big my house is, and how much privacy I can still get. I’m South Asian so I’ve seen this setup pretty often. Sometimes it works out really well for a couple who has kids. An extra set of hands to help out around the house, a free babysitter when the couple travels or wants a night out, and the elderly parent doesn’t get bored or lonely. But I’ve also seen it be a serious thorn and push a couple towards further conflict. For me, it would depend on a lot of factors.

      1. In many traditional cultures the son’s wife has to defer to his mother – is this true/common in transplanted SA families?

        1. From what I’ve seen, the stronger personality between MIL and DIL “wins”. But I know of situations where it’s worked out pretty well for everyone. There is just a general respect all around. The MIL doesn’t try to interfere, the DIL doesn’t treat MIL like an inconvenience, and the husband doesn’t shirk from conflict. My cousin’s MIL lives with her and her family situation is something like that to the extent that when her husband’s brother asked her MIL to come live with him instead my cousin was legitimately heartbroken when she thought MIL would leave (which she ultimately didn’t).

        2. It’s not true in mine. I’m Indian, my dad is the oldest son in his family so when his father passed away his mother came to live with him and my mom (before I was born). I think he tried to accommodate her to the best of his ability, but he’s definitely not deferential. Like at all. I don’t know how representative that is, though.

    22. I’m Indian and my inlaws live with me almost throughout the year (they spend 1-6 months a year in India, depending on the year and their commitments). I love it. No hesitation whatsoever in saying that.

      What helps:
      – My MIL is the most non-bossy MIL in the world. She is subtle, timid and quiet. Far from exerting any authority over me, she asks me how I’d like her to do things. She doesn’t ask for stuff for herself and makes virtually no demands on us. My mom isn’t that way when she visits, so I realize this is highly unusual.
      – At the same time, my MIL is very non-traditional and scientific. She used to be a practicing physician. She doesn’t ask me to do things based on superstition/custom/religion etc. She understands my need to work and is super supportive.
      – My inlaws both pitch in and help out with lots of things. Walking around and buying vegetables. Taking clingy baby off me when I need to go shower or take a work call. Walking my child to preschool, picking child up early if need be. Helping kid put away toys in the evening.
      – DH lived alone for some years pre-wedding and DH and I lived alone, and in other parts of the country pre-wedding. So no man-child syndrome here. We have a solid marriage and he defers to me, though he’s not confrontational with them at all (but see above – he has no need to be).
      – I don’t make them my primary childcare or housekeeper or cook. That’s too much to ask. But they are my backup for a lot of situations and can be my primary childcare or cook something in a pinch (they do the latter much more often than the former).

      What isn’t great:
      – We have a separate bedroom and bathroom for them, not an in law suite. That means they’re usually in our small kitchen when I need to do something there, and I feel cramped for space.
      – Because my inlaws are somewhat compliant/timid, my kid can ask them for things I have forbidden, and they may cave. They have no idea how to put their foot down. For instance, candy, or late bedtime, etc. They are stuck between a rock and a hard place (me and my strong willed kid).

      Their personality is so, so key to this mix. I keep making notes to remember to be such an awesome MIL when the time comes.

    23. In my marriage, not a deal breaker bc I’ve grown. Absolute deal breaker when I was dating.

  2. July 1, 2017 promotion into commission-based position that gives me considerably more control of my schedule. I also have an anticipated IUI (November?). I’m thinking of delaying IUI a few months, to January, so I have a few months in the new promoted position under my belt before going on maternity leave. Am I nuts for planning for one event based on the other event? I feel like women!roar! shouldn’t make career choices based on having kids, or vice versa, but the practical reality is there are a lot of benefits for waiting a few months. Not in the context of my IUI specifically, but two other women in future position indicated they felt having a few months in new role would be significant before going on leave.

    Am I crazy to delay IUI 2-3 months? I am fully acknowledging this predicament assumes pregnancy goes as planned, to full term. I’m assuming that will be the case of the same of argument/my current conundrum.

    1. Split the difference and IUI late November/December? You’d have a late September baby so you’d get at least a couple months under your belt.

    2. Not at all crazy. I would also consider delaying the same, if that small difference in time would make you feel more secure. You are not delaying for years.

      Congrats on the new role. Good luck with the IUI!

        1. But if you’re doing IUI, you’ve already had trouble conceiving naturally? In that case, I wouldn’t delay regardless of your age. A 32-year-old with no history of infertility probably has better odds than a 25-year-old who has already tried for a year without conceiving.

        2. But a few months is not going to matter in the long run if you are under 35. It would be different if your issue was depleted ovarian reserves or something that is going to only get worse with time. But if you have a number of years before age-related infertility issues become a problem, I don’t think you’re crazy at all to delay.

    4. I would delay. Having kids is a major life event, so why wouldn’t you plan it in conjunction with career choices? I wouldn’t schedule baby/marriage/vacation during September/October, for example, because those months are always crazy at work, and pushing the burden on someone else during that time of year would be rude/insane.

      1. You’re not crazy. It sounds like you have a good approach to your fertility treatments. When I was going through fertility treatments, I was too intent every month on TTC because I was so afraid I never would and was just continuing to lose time (I was 32-33). In hindsight, that was not a great approach and lead to a lot of stress and problems. Just because you have had trouble conceiving does not mean that you shouldn’t continue to consider how having a child will impact your life and plan accordingly. Having kids is a major life change and once you do, your life will change so, so much. Waiting a couple of months for the next IUI seems like a good choice in your situation. Good luck!

        1. Thanks for this. We have some other family stuff going on (close family member suddenly in very poor health) that have been highly stressful. Promotion aside, I think I’m calling ‘uncle’ – taking a break from the fertility stuff for just a few months might benefit everyone all around, in addition to the promotion. It’s hard because the fight to get this far in the diagnosis and treatment regimen has been absolutely draining. But, super selfishly, I want to also enjoy the holidays, not be a hormonal basket case, not inject myself daily for weeks, not worry about people calling me out for not drinking (it’s not ok, but they most certainly will!). Thanks for your feedback.

  3. My husband has a lot of stuff. Too-small clothes. Furniture we don’t need (3 kids — we don’t need 3 queen beds that take up about 75% of the space in their bedrooms; stuff of his grandmother that is in lousy condition even if it is mahogany, TV cabinets for old-style large TVs). We don’t have room for it. We don’t have any weather-tight non-critter infested places to put stuff (old house, no closet space for the things we do need). He wants to build a 3-car garage (HAHAHA — get me a winning lottery ticket). I want to light a match. Do you think that self-storage (which I would never personally consider for me) for $100/month + some movers is a worthwhile investment in marriage-saving?

    1. Yes. Once you’ve gotten the stuff out of the house and lived without it for a while, you can re-evaluate if it is something that you really need. Some movers and a year of self-storage is what, $1600? Far cheaper than a garage and marriage counseling. I can sympathize with the old furniture that has sentimental value. We’ve got some of those pieces floating around our house too.

      1. +1

        Also, would he respond to either a tax rationale (would this be a good year for a large donation?) or “giving the pieces a good life” rationale (like a Habitat ReStore) for the items that are in decent condition but too big?

        1. +2 I agree–you could try giving to a specific person in need. I see posts in my town/community and church facebook groups for people who need furniture after surviving a DV situation and having to uproot their lives. It may be harder to say no if a specific person in need is sleeping on the floor and you have 3 beds in storage.

          1. +1 to this.

            My borderline hoarder husband has a hard time giving things away but if he knows it’s going to a specific person then he usually says yes.

      2. For sentimental pieces, consider making something out of them. Coasters for example. Then you still have something tangible to remember it by.

    2. Yes.

      Why does he say he ants to save it? Is there sentimental values. Will relatives be upset?

      Realize this is an aspect of his personality, that will recur.

      Once out of site, sometimes you can address getting rid of it in 1 year etc… Or when your kids grow up, it is free furniture for them. I still use a lot of my old family free furniture.

      1. Yes on the last bit. When I moved out, my parents gave me large amounts of furniture and cookware that was either surplus or that they’d wanted to replace anyway. However, if the OP’s kids are still pretty young, it might not be worth it to pay to store all of the furniture for the next 10+ years until they need it.

        1. Nooooooo. You kids do not want to be burdened with large mahogany wood furniture.

          1. But if it’s free and you’re furnishing your first apartment? I had a higher level of tolerance for the free pieces being things I wouldn’t have chosen. I still have the bookcases that are the first piece of furniture my parents bought together in the mid-80s. I don’t love them, and they aren’t really my style, but until I’m willing to shell out $$$ for new ones the hand-me-downs are doing just fine.

          2. Noooooooooo. You are enabling. They can have whatever you have around 15+ years from now, when they are out of college.

          3. I was thrilled and very grateful that my grandparents offered to let me take some furniture from their house when they were downsizing. Was it all exactly my style? No. But it was excellent quality and impeccably maintained. I ended up not being able to take everything I earmarked when it sold sooner than expected, but I was still very happy for the gesture. I also went through my parent’s house and took a bunch of hand me down things that they weren’t using (old woven basket? My new towel storage system). I wouldn’t hold onto something for the purpose of giving it to your kids, but it is appreciated.

          4. I have to agree with Anonymous. You know where that bookcase will still be in 20 years, Lisa? Your house. Forever. And your parents will guilt you if you try to get rid of it because it isn’t really “yours,” you’re just holding it in trust for future generations. My poor mother, bless her heart, has become the Official Repository of Heirloom Furniture. She’s 65 and has never owned her own furniture. She tried to pass the torch to me so she could finally have her own things, but apparently I’m a brat for furnishing my house myself. #sorrynotsorry

          5. Perhaps in your family that’s the way it works, anon, but my parents are happy to take the bookcase back or allow me to get rid of it. When I was approaching the end of high school, my mother started putting aside things for me to take to college and my first apartments that she would have typically donated. They aren’t necessarily things that she wanted to keep forever but thought I might find useful. My sisters and I are grateful for the hand-me-downs because they allow us to have placeholders for furniture we need until we’re in a more stable position where we can purchase furniture that matches our preferences. We are not a big heirloom family, and no one will be upset if/when I get rid of the bookcases.

          6. I definitely moved out with hand-me-down furniture, and I was grateful for it! Fewer things I need to buy down the road. I got to take my old chest of drawers, an old TV stand, and a twin bed frame. Someday I won’t want them; I intend to get a bigger bed soon (although I’ve been saying that for years), the chest of drawers is pretty but falling apart, and the TV stand is dated, so one day I’ll be in a position to upgrade to stuff that’s in better shape and more “me,” but until then, I’m glad my parents were able to help me get started. I just wish they had an old bookcase they didn’t want . . .

            BUT we had a big basement to keep a lot of that stuff, and a garage. If OP doesn’t have room for them, paying for self-storage until the kids are in their 20’s, or moving to off-campus apartments for school, is a lot. It might be better to sell the stuff and save the money.

            Heirlooms are great, and I understand sentimental value, but a big, bulky piece of furniture that has no use and takes up more space than you have to spare is not the best way to remember Grandma. Save some small things, and see if you can use the bigger stuff to help someone in need.

          7. Lisa, I just want you to know since you’re getting a lot of pushback–what you’re describing is totally the norm in my family. Most of the furnishings that I own at 28 are still hand-me-downs, plus the large majority of cookware, utensils, etc. It’s not necessarily all what I would have picked out myself, but great quality stuff that’s free or nearly-free? I’ll take it. To this day the only furniture I’ve ever spent money on is a couch (because my college-era hand-me-down couch was literally too big to fit through a door or window someplace I lived) and will soon be abed (7th-grade Ikea full is not super comfy for me + 6′ BF long-term, no family queen sizes are available or likely to become so).

          8. +1

            Neither my brother nor I wanted leftover furniture our parents had been saving after our grand parents died. They assumed we would, and it took up space in the house/garage forerver.

    3. I would probably try to work through getting rid of some of it before going the self-storage route. I think you run the risk of freeing up space by storing things, only to have your now emptier house filled with more stuff. If you address the issue of keeping things you don’t need, he might develop better habits.

    4. No. I think you need to actually deal with this, or you’ll be paying for storage and have a house full of crap. Start with stuff that isn’t “his.” “The kids don’t have enough room in their bedrooms with Queen beds. I’ve picked out twins and mattresses online, the arrive Saturday, and the company is taking the old ones.” “No, you can’t keep them. We don’t have room.”

      Same with other stuff. This is your house too. Tell him it is going, then get rid of it. “You are using more than your half of our closet space. This weekend I am putting stuff that looks old or too small in bags to donate. Next weekend I am donating them. You have a week to sort them out.”

      “No? Explain to me then how you are not a hoarder who needs professional help. I will not live like this and I will not allow you to make our children live like this.”

      1. OTOH, this isn’t a hoarder. Annoyance-level clutter isn’t enough to trigger throwing someone else’s things away. I’d be livid if someone threw my things away.

        Getting rid of large offending items (vs ordinary clutter) is bad. Placing them where they are not disruptive and the person still “has” them is probably OK. Maybe if the storage fund have to come out of $ that is otherwise fun money to him, that can help him evaluate his priorities. Old Stuff > beach trip? Maybe he’d reconsider.

        Getting rid of paper clutter (that could be ruined anyway if a cup were spilled on it) is probably OK. That sort of self-help may or may not happen in my house.

      2. I don’t know — this seems to cross the line of “mothering” one’s spouse. I can’t even imagine how pissed I would be if I discovered my husband had kept himself busy by weeding through my closet for clothes that are too small…

      3. Lol you’re pretty generous if you give a man half of the closet. Maybe if I’d ever lived with a super stylish fellow I’d feel differently. The men I’ve lived with have felt really entitled to half the closet until they realize their 5 button downs and 1 suit do not take up half a walk in. I’m not getting dressed in the living room every time I need to wear a suit just so you can feel really good about all the empty space on “your half” of the closet.

      4. I’m all for being aggressive and assertive, but this is the perfect dialog for dealing with your ex-husband. I be furious if my husband tossed my makeup around and said, “This stuff is everywhere, and some of it looks old and gross. Next weekend I’m cleaning out the bathroom. You have a week to sort through it.” I try to treat him the same way I would want to be treated.

        Talk and explain where you’re coming from. Show him pictures of twin beds/décor that you’d like to upgrade to. Tell him that grandma’s stuff isn’t an antique, it’s just OLD. Then, as a last resort, ask what he thinks about the storage unit. When faced with the cost of storage, he may realize he doesn’t want to hold on to this stuff. Or, it may take a year of storage bills and living in his more spacious house before he realizes there is nothing in that storage unit that he wants to drag back into his life.

        1. Yeah, but I’m assuming when you’re venting to the Internet, you’ve already tried and failed at reasonable adult conversation. This man want to build himself a garage for his crap. No.

    5. Yes, but limit what you put in storage. Things like clothes and stuffed furniture/mattresses are not well-suited for storage that isn’t temperature controlled. At a minimum, it will mold/mildew; you will likely get bugs and maybe critters too. Temperature controlled will cost you more than $100/mo, but I still would not store clothes or mattresses.

      1. +1. Mattresses do not age well, and they’re only getting cheaper to purchase new.

    7. Your husband could be my husband. We’ve paid $300 a year for the past six years to store his stuff (which, by the way, includes trash bags full of old newspapers) to preserve my sanity. In my opinion, it’s the best $300 a month we spend because I don’t have to look at his cr*p everyday and resent him for not throwing it away.

      1. $1200/year is a steal for domestic harmony. That’s about $3/day. Every time you look around your house, think, is it worth $3 today to not have to deal with his stuff or fight with him about his stuff? Show me a day that the answer would not be yes. Heck, we have threads here all the time – we can’t figure out how to fairly split cleaning! – and the answer is pretty unanimously, get a cleaning person. Even once a month will help.

        Sometimes money really can buy happiness. And if it can and you can afford it, I think you owe it to your marriage to make that investment.

    9. My husband loves to save stuff. Such has the empty boxes that EVERYTHING comes in. He also has a lot of hobbies and collections, and his stuff is constantly growing. What works for us is that he has one room in the basement where he keeps his stuff. That room can be full up to the ceiling, but it all has to go in there. For the most part, it has been a good solution because it’s out of sight, and because periodically the clutter will even annoy him to the point where he’ll throw away somethings.

      Of course, we don’t have kids. I can imagine it would be a million times worse in that case. And we have effectively lost a room in our already-small house. But it has generally worked out reasonably well :)

      1. Oh gosh, THIS!! Why in the world does my husband need to save every empty box??? I have only heard of men doing this.

        1. My mom has a well-curated box collection for reuse. My DH has a collection of the boxes electronic equipment came in – I guess in case he needs to send them in for repairs covered in warranty? never did get the reasoning clearly – and sometimes discovers that he no longer has the equipment, but still has the box.

          1. I understand. I have moved like 13 times so far, and to have all of my electronics boxes does make it easy to repack them, and it keeps them safe/stable. I just keep those boxes in my basement storage locker.

            Obviously if the actual piece of equipment is gone, the box should go.

          2. DH saves electronic boxes (TVs, computers) because wen(a) have the space in the attic and (b) we’ve moved a few times and the best way to pack the TV is in the box it came in. I think we are in our forever house though, so we ditched a lot of boxes in the last move.

          3. The last time I moved, the company charged some ridiculous fee for a tv box for the tv we didn’t have the box for. Keep the major electronic boxes.

          4. Yeah, exactly – he thinks he needs the original box in case he needs to return an item under warranty. Except the manufacturers almost never require this, we keep boxes for $5 items which we would never claim a warranty repair, and we keep boxes for a million years after the warranty expires. And it would be so hard to find a specific box in the mountain of old boxes we have!! So annoying.

        2. It’s refreshing to hear that it’s not only my DH who has trouble getting rid of things. I recently cleaned out the cabinet under his sink in the bathroom– it was full (full!) of plastic bags (the kind you put your wet swimsuit in at the gym,) hotel toiletries, hotel pens, empty lotion bottles… I just don’t get why it doesn’t go right in the trash (which is less than 2 ft away, incidentally.)

      1. +1

        Kids really don’t need that much space. I would never waste the money on new beds.

      2. Eh, I only agree if the mattresses are in good condition. A 10-year old mattress isn’t worth holding onto. But keep the bed frames.

        1. I would agree, because it would have been awesome to have a queen bed to take with me when I moved out, but should the OP really spend the money on storing the frames? The money they’d spend outweighs the money she’d save by saving the beds for later, unless she and her husband plan on moving to a new place with bigger bedrooms someday.

    11. My husband also likes to keep stuff (clothes, books, magazines, cords, boxes). It drives me crazy. I occasionally sneak stuff out of the house and donate it. He’s never noticed. I would be able to get rid of stuff more easily if we had a separate storage unit….

    12. Do not take a whole bunch of crap and just put it in storage. Purge first, then take the items you don’t need and put them in storage.

      A storage unit gets filled up VERY quickly, even a large one. We have had one for the last 6 years. At the time, it was only considered a “temporary” solution. But now we have two kids, our lives are so busy that we simply don’t have the time to go there and do a massive purge.

      I would also create a checklist of items before you put them in storage. It can be general like 1) Kids clothes, ages 2 – 4, 2) Fiction books, etc. You’ll quickly forget what you put in there and if you ever want to go back and retrieve stuff, good luck.

      You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble if you purge at the outset. Good luck.

      1. +1 to this. My husband and I got a storage unit when we combined households, and have had it about four years. We both know it is full of crap we need to donate/discard, but we haven’t managed to find the time to do that in the past four years…

        The only thing it’s been useful for is temporarily storing large baby items between kids.

      2. + 1 to this. We have a storage unit full of a lot of junk we don’t need. What it HAS been useful for is:

        1) Really expensive furniture that we plan to sell and that is way too nice to keep in our kid-filled household

        2) Kids clothes (Halloween costumes, snowsuits, and other seasonal items, hand me downs we plan to use for our next kid, etc.)

        In my dreams, we would find the time to do a Marie Komdo level of purging and get rid of half of our stuff

    13. I have exactly this problem, but in a 2 bedroom apartment. Our second bedroom is his “stuff” room (this is what I call it in my head; he still labors under the delusion that we have an office). We also happily pay for a storage unit, and the deal is he has to keep everything in the storage unit or his “stuff” room — nothing in the main living area, and limited clothing in our bedroom.

      Given that this has been the only real point of contention in an otherwise extremely happy marriage, I’m happy to throw a little money at it and relax about losing the second bedroom.

    14. You will never, ever get rid of the storage units. My dad is a hoarder and my parents have multiple storage units (in different parts of the country, actually) that they have been paying for for decades. I guess this depends on whether your husband has hoarding tendencies, but if you get rid of the stuff in your house, new stuff could just come take its place. So you won’t actually be fixing the problem that’s bothering you *and* you’ll be wasting money on storage unit rent.

      1. My parents have this problem.

        NE US, so full basement (full). 2 car garage (full). Attic (fullish, but they are now too old to go up to fill or ever inventory / empty; I will be calling the 1800gotjunk people when they pass). Outbuildings (full).

    15. FYI, I wouldn’t count on $100 a month storage to be 100% critter-free. It might have less critters than your current basement/outbuilding, but mice can and do get into storage units. If you do go the storage route, I’d only put in it things like the wooden and metal components of the bedframes, not the mattresses, etc. And even still, if the units aren’t climate controlled (which most aren’t, or the climate control is only to the point where it keeps the contents from freezing or dripping with humidity, not tightly controlled like in a house), the wood could still warp from temperature and humidity fluctuations. But I’d agree that $100 a month is not unreasonable to give you some breathing room – but is it just spending money to postpone this argument to a future date? Will you wind up paying for storage for 10 years, only to *never* wind up using what’s in the storage unit? Could you at least put a timeline on how long until you decide how to handle this?

      Since some of it is family furniture, does your husband have any relatives that could get some use out of it, instead of it going into storage? Rather than movers +$100 a month, would you be better off with 1 time movers to ship it all off to another family member that wants it?

      Or is part of the issue that even if you did have room and use for it, the *stuff* is just not to your aesthetic and never will be? Is your husband trying to hold onto it because he actually likes it, because it has sentimental value, or because he doesn’t believe in spending money on new furniture if you can make do with what you have available now? Or is there any other compromise position (like since the house is old and lacking in closet space, you could get rid of the queen beds, and then have room to convert the old TV armoires into clothing or toy storage)?

      I’ll join in the chorus of “my entire house is furnished with hand-me-downs” – the only furniture in our whole house that was purchased new was our mattresses, our current couch and one dresses. The rest is family hand downs or garage sale finds. However, our house is now full, and we’ve had to tell more than one family member that just don’t have room for any more Xs (unless the X is much nicer than our current X, in which case we ask them to help us find a home for the current item).

    16. “Just because the item is gone doesn’t mean the memory is.”

      I repeat this mantra when I feel like keeping things I don’t really need but have a sentimental pull to. Try repeating this to your husband. My dad was the same way as your husband, and my mom found this was helpful when trying to get him to pare things down.

    17. OP I feel ya. My SO used to own a restaurant furnished with custom everything and his mother used to own a chi-chi home furnishings store. We have SO much Mackenzie Childs in our home, and a ton of custom Sticks furniture. It’s beautiful, but the opposite of my aesthetic. His mom has a “storage unit” (aka space that a friend is letting her keep stuff) out of state where she keeps much, much more. We are in the process of reviewing which of these pieces we can use in our current (hopefully forever) home, and those which we can’t (like bathroom vanity or random light fixtures) we are going to list with an auction house.

      We’ve discussed my feelings about these pieces numerous times – I feel like they’re leftover from a previous life or they’re things that his mother picked out for her perfect home, and they don’t reflect my tastes at all. He feels like they’re gorgeous pieces that we are lucky to have, and it would cost us a lot to buy them so why not use them. It’s true we would have to shell out for a new dining room table, kitchen table, buffet tables etc. if we were to start from scratch so I don’t mind it for now. (The stuff in storage isn’t coming upstairs tho, and we aren’t holding things indefinitely for family members.)

      My advice would be go piece by piece and see how you can dispose of them. He might get the Craigslist or Ebay bug and start liking the idea of turning them into cash.

  4. Any recommendations for a lightweight hair lotion to use on dry hair? Something to tame the bedhead on my thin curly hair? TIA!

      1. Thanks – is this part of the ‘Frizz Ease’ line? Is it a spray or a pump bottle?

    2. I like John Frieda Frizz Ease, Flawless Finishing cream. I actually got my small tube out of the desk drawer to make sure I got the name right.

      1. I haven’t had great luck with John Frieda products in the past. How much do you use? I tend to overapply their stuff I think.

        1. Use half of what you think you should be. Especially on fine or thin hair.

    3. I have fine, wavy hair, and I really like John Master’s Organic Rose & Apricot Hair Milk. It tames frizz and smells nice.

      1. Thanks – I don’t think I’ve heard of this before – is it a salon product or a drugstore product?

    4. I love Toni & Guy’s shine gloss serum for this. I used to keep it in my desk and apply when I get to work.

  5. I am currently angry at the whole Gap family for severely limiting their tall options, including on fun pieces like this blazer. I’ve worked at a brand store for several years, mostly to continue getting the discount on tall clothes that fit my husband and me, but this year they’ve cut waaaaaaay back on their offerings across all brands. All I want for fall/winter is a nice, tall-sized, plain, black cardigan to replace the one I bought at Gap two years ago and have almost in which I have almost worn holes through the elbows. Is that really so much to ask, Banana Republic?

    1. They’ve also cut way back on petites this year. I used to buy a lot from Gap, Banana Republic, and Old Navy, but the combination of unappealing styles, poor quality, and nothing that fits me correctly has made me pretty much give up on them.

      1. I’m sure it has something to do with the company’s declining performance, but it’s so disappointing for people who need those extended sizes to lose one of their few reliable options.

        The clothes themselves are improving, andI like the style of what I’m seeing at Banana this season. However, I can only buy a select few items in my size, and none of them are the hyped, “fun” pieces. There are a couple of blazers and button-downs, and that’s about it. I was floored that they weren’t offering the cardigans in tall sizes because that’s about basic as you can get, and basics are all they’re offering extended sizes now.

      2. Also annoyed by lack of petites. I generally find a decent amount at BR, but the clothes this year have a lot of patterns and they are exempting more styles from the ever present sales. The patterns are annoying because a) i’m petite so patterns are frequently less than flattering when you don’t have a lot of body to spread them over, b) it sticks out more that you’re wearing the same BR item that someone else is and c) makes it more of a statement piece that you can’t have in heavy rotation.

        1. re: sales exclusions, as long as item isn’t explicitly excluded you can call customer service to have the discount applied. (frustrating, of course)

          1. These are explicitly excluded under “BR Picks,” which they are applying to more and more and more items each week. It’s extremely frustrating. And I’m right with you on the Talls issue, Lisa, down to the Gap long black cardigan.

  6. My good friend is being treated for cervical dysplasia (CIN 2) with high-risk HPV and she decided to see an alternative medicine provider before beginning cryotherapy. The provider recommended doing immune-boosting supplements and some kind of d*uche made out of silver (no details yet). Silver is a known microbicide, but I have never heard anything about it being antiviral. Has anyone ever heard of this as an alternative treatment? I don’t trust it or this alternative doctor, but my friend assured me that she will run everything by her ob/gyn first.

    2. No. This is stupid. Her OB will tell her that. Your friend is an idiot who needs to get on top of actual treatment while she still can, not waste time on this nonsense.

    3. … no. What is going on with the huge upswing in pseudoscience/quackery/woo right now?

      Like, I saw this alternative treatment on a facebook meme and consider that doing my “research” so all of a sudden I know more than an actual doctor? Just no.

      1. It’s because medical information is so much more accessible yet at the same time doctors have not adapted to be able to discuss these issues with patients. I find many are not even familiar with the practice standards in their fields. In 5 minutes I can look up the position papers on a particular issue from medical societies in USA,Canada, EU and Australia, – if there’s disagreement I’m going to expect my doctor to explain why what she is suggesting is common in USA but not standard in EU or vice versa and why that approach is appropriate for my particular case. E.g. on food allergy – I want to know why peanut oil has to be listed as an allergen in the EU and not the USA and what the risks associated are when travelling.

        Doctors need to adapt by pointing patients to practice standards in their fields and explaining clearly what the various options for treatment are and why a particular option for treatment is the right choice for that patient. The days of saying you need surgery or take this pill with no further explanation are gone.

        1. This is such a great answer. I have a persistent chronic condition for which research is always being done and the understanding of the condition is constantly evolving. Finding a doctor who (1) prioritizes staying up to date on new research and standards of practice, (2) takes the time to explain to a patient why one practice or another is preferable given the patient’s condition, and (3) doesn’t dismiss patients who advocate for their own health in light of available information, is such a challenge.

        2. Well, right, and I understand that as we all have more access to more information we expect more from doctors, but I don’t understand where people get from “the doctor isn’t up to date on this cutting edge medical research” to “so I’ll go to someone who suggests I use a magical silver douc&e.”

          1. Also, cost could be a huge factor. No clue how much the silver product costs or cryotherapy, but if she has a high deductible plan, it’s probably going to max out the deductible + 80/20 cost sharing.

      2. It’s because a personal opinion is given equal truth as a verifyable fact. ugh.

    4. I don’t trust this alternative doctor at all. Folate is scientifically proven to help with this issue though, if she wants to do something “natural” to help and start eating more broccoli and taking supplements. Also she should stay positive and feel lucky that this is being treated and she has access to real doctors.

      2. Thank you everyone! Will look into this folate thing – that sounds potentially more established if at least one of you had a real doctor prescribe it.

        1. No no that wasn’t my point! She needs cryotherapy now, before she gets cancer. I got at old to take folic acid with less dysphasia than her and a negative for high risk HPv.

    5. That poor doctor. 4 years of college, 4 years of medical school, 3-4 years of ob gyn specialty training and god knows how many years of practice experience with patients, working 10-12 hour days and going at least 200 grand in debt to try to prevent disease from killing patients. And patients still prefer to listen to some “alternative” medicine provider when they have CIN (also known as early CANCER).

      If she was my friend, I’d tell her in no uncertain terms she was being a complete fool and physically drag her to the doctor myself. If she wasn’t my friend, I’ll tell her to ahead and do the alternative medicine, and when she actually developed full blown cervical cancer, the naturopath can also try to cure that too with his “herbals” until she really is at death’s door and then she can visit her nearest ER asking for a miracle.

      I would say this is Darwin at work, but these days, everyone believes “Dr. Google.”

  7. My fiancé and I are thinking about honeymooning in Japan. What are some MUST DOs while we are there? We’re not limited to just Tokyo…

    1. Eat eat eat.

      That was the best part, for me….

      I must retire to Southeast Asia……

      1. I went to Japan in January and was only there for 3 days, but I think we spent the entire time eating. Street food, restaurants, whisky, drinks overlooking the Tokyo skyline, and some great suggestions from a Tokyo r e t t e… It was glorious. +1 for travel companions who also take their food seriously.

    3. I personally would limit Tokyo to a few days, or a couple depending on the length of your trip, and spend more time in Kyoto. Take the Shinkansen. Of course go to Gion. I’d also go somewhere more rural, with hot springs :)
      Make sure you get a couple of good izakaya meals in, not just fancy stuff and sushi. See if there are any festivals happening during your visit, and try to get to one; I saw a summer matsuri in a tiny little village and it was a highlight.

    5. I seem to be the exact opposite of everyone here with respect to Japan. While my husband loved the food, I did not. I lost 10 pounds in the 3 weeks we spent in Japan, and that was with eating a lot of soft serve ice cream. I also didn’t like Kyoto at all. It was way too touristy.

      My favorite things in Tokyo were a baseball game, a sumo wrestling tournament, and a play at the National Theater. At the theater you can get headphones programmed in any language you need, so you can understand what is going on. You can take day trips to see the Great Buddha and Mount Fuji, but be aware that Fuji is usually fogged in. Both locations have some nice day hikes. Definitely go to a public bath or hot spring.

    6. There’s lots to do, depending on regions and seasons. For example, cherry blossom viewing in the spring, leaf viewing in the fall, hiking Mt Fuji in the summer, seeing snow monkeys at a hot spring in winter. Or eating oysters in Hiroshima, visiting Gion at night in Kyoto, staying at a farmhouse in Shirakawa, skiing in Hokkaido. The list goes on and on.

      You can try the sample itineraries here:
      http://www.japan-guide.com/e/e2400.html

      Generally though, the one and only recommendation no matter what region and season you’re travelling to/in is going to a hot spring (onsen). Stay overnight, and let them serve you a traditional meal. Japanese hospitality is the best.

    7. I used private guides from toursbylocals dot com in Japan and had a great experience in both Osaka and Hiroshima. It took all the stress away about language, transportation, and so on. Highly recommend!!

  8. I know that they’re not the normal fare for this site, but I’ve got to sing the praises of Target’s Ona flats. I bought four pairs in different colors in….Summer 2014? Spring 2014? For a grand total of about $40 (they were on sale- they’re usually $17 each). Black, brown, floral, and blush patent. The black ones have been worn somewhere in the vicinity of twice a week year round since, including throughout Seattle winters and through a muddy field on Halloween (Drunk Friend refused to listen to me that just because he was in boots didn’t mean I was). They’re finally scuffed up enough I bought a new pair last night- and the brown and blush ones are absolutely still wearable. The floral ones got tossed earlier this year; it was a white floral print and they were just too dirty.

    The shoes have all held up remarkably well- even more expensive shoes I didn’t wear as often didn’t last nearly as long. I’m very tough on shoes (See: Seattle winter, muddy field). They’re obviously not great for walking miles and miles in, but I don’t think any ballet flats are going to be, by virtue of their design. But they’re perfect for my business casual office and weekend wear, including a certain amount of walking (I’ve definitely had 10K step days in them). I’ve also worn them on long flights.

    Love them. Cannot recommend them highly enough. I bought them in leopard print, too.

    In other and totally unrelated news, how in the world do I wear a pair of leopard print ballet flats….? ? My closet is mostly black, either with or without prints. I very rarely mix patterns. I’m not opposed, I’m just perpetually worried it’ll end up like I got dressed in the dark. I tend very much toward the Putting Me Together side of things- simple, 100% NOT “street style”/The Sartorialist.

    1. I share your love. I wear the heck out of the blush ones, so I typically replace one every year or two when I wear a hole in the sole. But, they are super comfortable, really cute, and really inexpensive. Far and away my favorite flats.

    2. Thanks for this. I’m tired of beating the tar out of expensive shoes that I can’t afford to replace ever 10 months, and I’ve been looking for a replacement for my everyday flats.

      Off to Target now…

      2. If you buy them in store (at least my local store), they’re normal priced. :( But if you show the checkout person the online price, they’ll give you the $14 price. Which is something I wish I had known last night- turns out I would have spent $100 online instead of $130 in store. So I’ll be going back to target for a price match.

    3. I really appreciate this rec.

      I really love when people recommend great deals, work horses, and things they have discovered that make their life easier.

    4. Seconded. I bought three pair last summer when I was pregnant thinking I’d at least get wear out of them during the summer when my other shoes didn’t fit and I still wear them ALL THE TIME and they look great. Oooh, just checked out their new colors. Might have to get more.

    5. I LOVE these flats – I wear the heck out of the blush ones (which for pale me, are nude). I live in a big walking city, and I can’t justify beating up my nicer flats, so I just constantly keep a pair of these in my bag. If they get dirty or gross? I just buy a new pair (or stock up when they’re on sale). For $10, cannot be beat.

    6. Thank you for sharing! This is exactly the sort of recommendation that I need. Now if only I could find the equivalent in a pointy toe, and a comfortable pump. Then I’d be set.

      1. Target has some super comfy pointy toe flats (tiny concealed wedge), too. The Drew. Alas, they didn’t have the color I wanted in my size. They also have some D’Orsay flats that I liked in theory but made me look like the wicked witch of the west once I put them on.

      2. Try the Karmen pumps from Payless. They are so comfortable and I always get compliments on them!

        1. As a counterpoint, I bought the Karmens because they looked super comfortable and ended up taking them off and walking around the office shoeless for the rest of the day they hurt so bad (I was interning at the time; didn’t have a pair of flats at the office. I do now.). I had to put them back on for an event that night, and had I not been running late, I absolutely would have stopped at Target and bought something (anything) different.

    7. Today I have on a grey blazer, black top, red skirt and leopard pumps … any combination will do. I don’t mix patterns. So leopard flats with black slacks means to me I can put any color on top … solid and a complementary third piece in a solid. You could also add a leopard belt … I’m planning on switching out the red for items in peacock, navy, and burgundy as the autumn wardrobe expands. Have fun.

      1. +1. I consider leopard print practically a neutral. For mixing prints, I usually try to make sure the print is also primarily black or brown, and typically go for geometric rather that more abstract or nature. For example, stripes or polka dots would be okay; floral or watercolor would not.

    8. I’m toying with the idea of buying leopard print flats. I personally would have a hard time wearing them to work, but I think they’d be cute with jeans and a solid color top or a solid color dress.

      1. My leopard flats are my favourite work shoes. They look good with practically everything.

      2. Currently wearing leopard flats – like Anonymous, mine are my favorite work shoes. I wear them with Everything. Ten out of ten would recommend.

    10. I particularly like leopard with all shades of grey (though I don’t mix the greys themselves within an outfit): charcoal, medium grey; pale heather grey — all good. Also looks great with black/camel by themselves or together. I know — wild and crazy over here . . . .

  9. Update on MM Lafleur
    Thanks to everyone who offered tips and advice about my MM Lafleur order back in August. Sorry for the delay, but I thought I would post back on my experience.

    I ordered the Etsuko and Alexandra dresses and the jardigan. The customer service was super helpful on choosing styles and sizes. Although the Etsuko wasn’t recommended for me, I ordered it anyways because I liked the ‘sheath’ shape and it was labeled as hips-friendly. Unfortunately it wasn’t hips-friendly enough for me and had to go back.

    On the other hand, the Alexandra fits like a glove and looks like it was made especially for me. And pockets and sleeves!!! I really like the fabric and was impressed with the quality. It looks like it could be a wool suiting material, but it’s stretchy and washable (I haven’t tried washing yet).

    The jardigan is also great. My old Lands End cardigans were feeling frumpy, and this is a great way to add a warm layer but with a more sleek and stylish shape.

    I’ll definitely be a repeat customer!

    1. I also just recently got some pieces from MM Lafleur! Agreed on the Alexandra, so comfortable I could sleep in it. The Etsuko didn’t work for me either. It gapped in the back and I’m generally not a fan of belted dresses on me. I am wearing my jardigan now, perfect way to keep me warm in the office without wearing my usual gigantic sweater.

      Has anyone tried any of their pants? I have horrible luck with dress pants, but my stylist recommended the Foster. Anything with a wide leg makes me feel like I’m wearing my mom’s pants, but slim cuts I find are too tight on my calves and get hiked up.

    3. I just went to the pop-up this week and ended up with a Lydia that I’m looking forward to getting in the mail. While not machine washable, super soft and comfy. I’ve had the jardigan for several weeks now and wear it all the time at work – now I just leave it in my office!

    4. I’m not sure what’s up with my weird body after reading these, but I LOVE my Etsuko in teal and couldn’t stand the Jardigan. The material was lovely, but it hit me about 2 inches above the wrist–too short to be 3/4 length, so it just looked awkwardly short. It was also quite short in the torso and not very flattering, though I loved the drape. For reference, I am 5’6″ and about as average a build as exists. The fit just made no sense to me at all, especially after reading so many praising reviews here.

      1. I will admit that my jardigan is a tad shorter in the wrist than I’d like it to be. I think it’s fine in the torso, but I really only wear dresses, so I’m not sure I’d notice anyway. I also ordered the Blair, which was beautiful, but way, way too short in the wrist.

      2. I was thinking the same thing about the jardigan sleeves. My arms aren’t very long, but the sleeves are super short. I just rolled up the cuff and wear it as a 3/4 length sleeve. I think it’s fine in the torso, but so far I have only worn it with dresses too.

  10. There’s an in-house legal job that I’ve seen advertised on indeed and also through a legal recruiter. Do you think I’d do better going through the recruiter or applying through the company’s website? I’m probably a 60% fit for the advertised position.

    1. If the recruiter regularly places for this company, they might have some insight on culture and such (rose-colored insight). But, recruiter fees also add a significant amount of cost to bring you onboard when they have to pay out placement fees. I’d probably apply on my own.

      1. I was wondering if a website application would be more likely to get tossed in the circular file…

    2. Do you know anyone who works at the company? If so, and you’re comfortable with them knowing you’re looking, reach out to them directly.

      Do you know of the recruiter? Are they reputable in your industry/area? If so, I’d apply through the recruiter.

      Otherwise, I’d apply through the company website, but knowing I’m unlikely to hear anything.

  11. Big thank-you to the commenter who suggested Bogs boots. I found a pair of gray Tacomas on Amazon for $55 and they are fantastic – warm, lightly cushioned, with serious snow-and-ice treads. The handles are going to be awesome when I’m all bundled up. Looking forward to being less actively miserable this winter.

  12. For those looking to outsource errands, I tried Wal-Marts place order online/pickup at store service. IT WAS FANTASTIC. It took us maybe 20 minutes to place our order online, they called me twenty minutes before my pickup window started to let me know it was ready, and brought it right out to me when I arrived.

    I HATE grocery shopping. HATE IT. I find nothing fulfilling about filling a cart up with paper towels, cat litter, cereal, and the like. This was great. I went to Sprouts last night on my way to buy some ingredients for dinner and lunch type stuff for the week, but I don’t mind that as much and was in and out in 20 minutes.

    (Although I live downtown in one of the largest cities in the country, instacart doesn’t deliver to my house.)

    1. There was an article yesterday in the WSJ about how successful Walmart’s online service is, particularly for grocery shopping.

    2. Good to know, thanks. I also hate grocery shopping. It’s my least favorite chore.

    3. Good to know, thanks. I also hate grocery shopping. It’s my least favorite chore.

      1. I hate Wal-Mart too, but apparently my values lose out to my hatred of shopping and my limited weekend time :(. Kroger is testing the same service, but so far just at a handful of stores way out in the suburbs or on the otherside of town. I hope they expand soon. Publix, my only other option, apparently has no interest.

    1. I read that yesterday. I’m having a year where I am just really angry at the lack of progress or, in the legal field, even the ability to discuss it.

  14. Anyone have experience with clothes from Amour Vert? I got a catalogue yesterday and some of it looks nice and is made in the USA, but a google search brought up a lot of bloggers reviewing stitchfix boxes which I don’t have a very positive association with.

  15. Tips for getting over the work blahs? I’m not super excited about my current job anymore…there are days where I love the work and days where I loathe it. I live in a small town, with the nearest city a 45+ minute drive one way, so I’m not thrilled about commuting. Options for changing jobs are limited – ideally I’d love to do more contract work, but the small town limits some options there. I’m also the main earner in our family right now while my husband starts a business. So anyways, just telling my internet friends gets some of this off of my mind. Thanks for listening!

    1. This is my life. I like my company, but not a huge fan of management and changes they’ve made to my job. I’m looking to make a change and starting to come to the realization I’m going to have to make a move if I’m going to change jobs – I’m also in a small town. My husband is at home with the kiddo and I’m also the main earner.

      Here are a few things I’ve tried:
      1. Talking to my network – I’ve let a few trusted people in my community know I’m looking. They’ve been good to send me word when something opens up. In my small town, it’s a more sure way to find new prospects than hunting on Indeed.
      2. When I’m having a really blah day, I reorganize my office. It helps things feel fresh.
      3. Start a new project, or start planning one. One of my best projects came out of a blah day.
      4. Goal setting – dusting off my goals and updating them throughout the year also helps get me back on track
      5. Good music – something that soothes the soul or inspires creativity helps give me a little boost
      6. Noisli app – it’s a productivity white noise app, and really seems to help me focus, which means I accomplish something, which helps me feel not so blah about my job

      Good luck – it’s hard.

    2. Anon, if your misery loves company, count me in. I logged in today to make a similar statement to the internet. My job is meh, made worse by grating personalities in a small office. Today it seems my tolerance is unusually low for my co-workers, and I’m feeling rage-y against the world that I have to spend my life surrounded by these bozos. It ebbs and flows, but today it’s definitely flowing…

      1. Ditto all of this. Thought about posting very similar things. I think I’m going to rearrange my office today, even though it is actually set up in the best way right now, just to have something fresh.

  16. Hello ladies, am a long time lurker and commenting for the first time. Was hoping to get some input from the hive, esp. if you have any similar experiences to share.

    I was recently offered the job of my dreams… overseas. I am 1 year out of law school and currently languishing in a workplace that is by all accounts very toxic. I have been aggressively job searching for the past year in the city that I’m currently in with no success, except for this one offer. I am engaged, and my fiancé will be starting his residency next year so if I do accept this position, we will have to do the LDR thing. We have been together for 10 years and have done LDR in the past for one year, although he was only two states away and I was able to see him once a month. This position is employment by contract, the term of which is for 1 year, up for renewal. Of course, my fiancé is not thrilled at the prospect of being apart for 1-2 years, but has nonetheless said that he wouldn’t stop me from going and that we can manage a LDR.

    However, my father, my uncles – virtually all my male family and friends- have stated in no uncertain terms that my moving overseas for one year would be a death sentence for our relationship.

    Both my fiancé and I are secure in our relationship and feel confident that we can manage one year apart, but I just have to ask- is something like this really a death sentence for any relationship? Was I being selfish for even considering taking this job? Any advice or input would be appreciated. TIA!

    1. If this job goes well, it isn’t one year. It is indefinite. You will not be building US based skills or contacts to return home with. I don’t think being apart for one year, especially when he is a resident and will have no time anyway, is a death sentence for your relationship ship, but I also don’t think this job makes much sense. You’re a first year. Keep working. Keep looking. You will have more options than this.

      1. +1 LDRs are possible when they’re for a relatively short, finite period. If you take this job planning to stay for 1 year, you’re not doing a great service to your career. It’ll likely take you 6 months to get up to speed in the new position (possibly longer given that you’re a first year and you’ll be in a new country) and you’ll only actually be developing your skills for a few months before the job ends. You’ll have a couple of 1 year stints in your work history that you’ll have to explain. And you’ll be in the same position of job-hunting and still with only 1 year of local experience.

        If you go planning to stay indefinitely (i.e. as long as they are willing to renew your contract), you’re putting yourself and your partner in the position of having an indefinite LDR. I actually know one couple who managed to do that, but I think it’s rare, and definitely something you and your partner would need to talk about a lot before embarking on.

        I do want to reassure you that I don’t think you’re being selfish. Working in a toxic work environment can make any grass look greener. I’d keep looking for a better opportunity. There are a lot more opportunities for lateral hires once you have a little more experience.

    2. Why is it that you think you would only be apart for 1-2 years? Is there a fixed end date to the position?

      I think the question that really matters is whether you want to live overseas long-term. If you do, then I’d probably seriously consider the position, but keep in mind that it would likely be the end of your relationship.

    3. You’re not being selfish. I wished I spent more time living overseas before I settled down with DH.

      Residency is crazy busy so sitting around waiting for him to come home will also strain your relationship.

      Skype/Facetime lots – even if only two minutes here and there – video call as much as you can. These are things your father/uncle won’t be thinking about.

      Don’t just visit each other but meet up at a third location so that you can focus 100% on each other without day to day life getting in the way. Sometimes it will be worth it to fly 10 hours to see each other for 48 hours.

    4. I think it depends on whether one year in that job will give you a new skill set that you’ll be able to quickly parlay into a similar dream job back home. If so, I’d take it. If not, then you’re not really gaining anything transferable.

    5. DH and I were long distance for 3 years before we got married. We’re long distance again now- unclear how long it’s going to last. Anywhere from a year and a half to 3 years due to career opportunities. Undesirable, but not a death sentence. And our relationship is just as good as ever.

      I know it’s not for everyone, but there’s no reason it has to be a death sentence.

    6. I don’t think it has to be a death sentence!

      I am wondering if your dream job is a teaching fellowship? (Trying to think of time-limited recent-grad law jobs abroad…) I did one, and while I LOVED doing it and it was absolutely worthwhile, I brought my fiance with me. It was great because we stayed in that area of the world the whole time and got to do extensive traveling on my breaks, while those in LDRs (or without partners/family abroad with them) went home. If part of the appeal of working abroad is *being* abroad, make sure you’re honest with yourself about how much you will enjoy that part of the world if your heart is at home.

      Anecdata: two of the fellows I taught with are now married to the people they were dating, LDR-style, while we were abroad.

    7. Take it! You have your whole life to gain transferable skills. Traveling and working abroad will be much harder if/when you have kids down the line.

    8. Another vote for do it! Living abroad is an amazing opportunity, and it will be much harder to make happen later in life.

      If it leads to the death of your relationship, then the relationship wasn’t the right one. It sounds to me like you guys have talked it through and have as good a shot as anyone.

      Don’t hold yourself back because men you aren’t engaged to think it’s a bad idea.

  17. I met a great friend in college, “A”. She was already close friends with B and C, and I became friends with them through her. A and I lived in different cities after graduating but stayed close over the next 10 years with visits, email, and phone calls.

    3 years ago I called A for her birthday and she never returned the call. I called again a couple months later, same thing. It was surprising because she is super warm and sociable–I’m usually the one who’s less responsive. I asked B if she knew what was going on. B said A was struggling academically and personally and probably withdrawing from her grad program, and that I should give her time. It stung that A was still in touch with B and C but not me, but oh well. In college A once told me frustratedly that school was so easy for me while she studied harder for worse grades, so maybe she wouldn’t want to confide in me about this particular issue. On A’s next birthday, I called again, saying I hoped everything was okay. Still no response…I get it. I mentioned it to B again, who said she didn’t want to be put in the middle but that A wasn’t mad at me and felt really bad she hadn’t been in touch, and that she was sure A would talk to me again at some unspecified future point. It is clear that B and C are still in regular touch with A and that the grad school crisis passed some time ago.

    I haven’t reached out again, and it’s now been 3 years since I last saw A. I know I will see A at C’s baby shower this month. I don’t know how to react. For the first year, I was so sad and confused—A was a great, special friend to me, and I know she felt the same. But it’s been a long time now, and the last couple years have been hard for me…I really could have used her friendship. I have no idea if A has heard through B or C about my life over the past couple years.

    Even if A says she’s incredibly sorry and just got paralyzed by guilt after not responding to the first call…it’s going to be hard for me to forget and forgive that she ghosted on a 10-year friendship. And yet…I still miss her. I think about her a lot. I’m not clear on what to do (uh, other than not flipping out at C’s baby shower). I don’t feel like I should ask B for advice because in the past she’s seemed almost annoyed by the topic. I’m not close enough to C ask her about it, either.

    1. Sadly, you are not friends with A, and haven’t been for 3 years. At this point, A is an acquaintance you used to have a fond relationship with. When you see her, you smile and say hi. You say you hope she has been well. You make pleasant small talk for a few minutes. And then you go get more punch and talk to someone else.

      1. I think at this point A is a nostalgia friend. Be gracious, be warm, but don’t try to make it more than what it is- which is a lovely shared past.

        If it’s been 10 years sine college and 3 of those have gone by without communication, I think you have to chalk it up to the natural way people grow apart. There may have been reasons for A’s ghosting that aren’t reasonable to you but felt reasonable to her, at the time. And the kindest thing you can do for yourself and her is to remember your friendship fondly but accept her where she’s at in life right now.

    2. This is C’s shower, it’s not a place to work out whatever the status of your relationship is. Be friendly and polite as you would with a cousin that you hadn’t seen in a few years. Don’t expect more than that from A. If she has any sense, she will not make any kind of grand gesture at C’s event. Even if she tries to, suggest meeting for coffee later and refocus on C.

      There is a reason or a season for every friendship and it sounds like the season for your friendship with A has ended and you need to accept that.

      1. Yeah seriously don’t turn C’s shower into a Real Housewives style confrontation. There is a time and a place and this is not it!

    3. This has happened to me when I was in a foursome of close friends, and it has happened to other people I know as well. It is always a group of four. I’m sorry to say this to you, but A decided she didn’t want to be friends with you. You most likely didn’t do anything. Its hard but you aren’t friends, and even though I still miss the friend who did it to me 10 years ago, you need to move on and realize they weren’t that good of a friend.

    4. I sense a lot of sadness in your post and I had a somewhat similar situation, although in my case my friend and I had a huge fight (that she initiated). I tried reaching out to her for several years (on her birthday for sure, and other days as well) and I would either not get a response or a curt response. The clincher is when she got married and didn’t invite me to her wedding. That’s when I knew the friendship was over.

      I saw recently, after 10 years. I said hello and smiled, she said hello and walked away.

      Still makes me sad because we were like sisters. But life goes on.

      I agree with others, be nice and friendly but C’s shower is not the time to initiate a conversation about this.

    5. I was just in this very exact situation right down to the baby shower. It got really awkward when a random friend said, “Friend A, are you going to visit Friend C in the hospital? It’s right across from your office!” I had delivered at that same hospital six months prior and Friend A definitely did not stop by to visit me, despite knowing that I was there and specifically bailed on her plans to come visit.

      It’s sad and I’ll still send the occasional text if I think of her, but I no longer make attempts to meet up.

    6. At some point you come to the realization that certain friendships just no longer are as close as they once were. It’s not anything personal necessarily and people grow apart. It’s hard, and it sucks, especially if you realize you had been valuing the other friend than she valued you. It just takes time to work through the emotions and move on. Don’t be confrontational during C’s baby shower. What’s that old saying? Don’t make someone a priority if she only considers you an option.

    7. Thanks, everyone. I definitely would never make a scene at the shower and I’m sure she wouldn’t either, but I do think she might try to apologize. Then again, what do I know? I haven’t spoken to her in 3 years.

      Yeah, unfortunately we don’t have a friendship anymore. It was just so odd (no fight or cooling off of the relationship)–we were very close until we never spoke to one another again. :(

      1. If she does apologize, just say “Thanks for saying that. I miss our friendship, perhaps we can make plans another time to catch up.” Go refill your drink – don’t get into anything more at the shower.

      2. It sounds like the events in her life made her feel differently about you and your friendship without anything you did at all. If she was embarrassed or ashamed about her situation and you were the person she felt the most shame/embarrassment about speaking to, that would have led to the initial no-contact. Over time, as her life situation changed, she may have replaced that feeling with the embarrassment of not returning your calls.
        Ask this girl, who once ghosted on a fitness-trainer friend for years because I gained 80 lbs and was too embarrassed to admit how little we had in common as a result.

        1. I think you are right. Throughout our friendship she had this awe of how smart I supposedly was…I certainly didn’t try to encourage that dynamic, but it was there and I do think it probably led her into the initial no-contact.

    8. I have a BIL who disappears completely from time-to-time, despite living 15 mins away from several family members. He struggles with depression and anxiety. The depression makes him hide out, then his anxiety about having upset people by disappearing makes him paralyzed instead of making amends. It may not be about you.

      1. I think this is probably pretty close to what happened. She does suffer from both of those. Which was why I initially had tried to reach out to her a couple times in low-pressure ways after she initially didn’t get back to me.

        1. For the future, I tend towards depression/anxiety and I HATE the phone. I actually noticed that your post referred to you calling her both times. When people call me, I feel obliged to call back vs. email or text. I much prefer to text or email. If she does make an overture/apology at the party – you could follow up with a text “Great to chat with you at C’s. [smiley face emoticon]” and see where it goes.

          1. Thanks. I actually don’t love the phone either (she did at the time when we were friends), but it sounds like texting would be the way to go in the future.

          2. Definitely don’t feel obliged to actually call back! Text or email is better than no response. Sometimes I like calling because it is easier to explain details but if all I need is a yes or no, then a text reply is fine! And I frequently response to a missed call from a family member with an email because I know if I call him, it will be an hour long conversation that I don’t have the time/energy for. But he definitely appreciates a response.

  18. Looking for a wedding anniversary present for the hubby. 3rd year is leather. Not getting a whip – haha – and would like something a bit more romantic than a belt. He doesn’t need a wallet, briefcase or card case. I am debating a watch with a leather strap but he has a watch he likes and I don’t want to spend too much money. No specific budget but we usually don’t spend a lot on these – the idea is to get something within the traditional constraints just for fun. I have about a week so can’t do anything too elaborate. Ideas??????

      1. +1 I got my husband a pair of awesome brogues for our 3rd anniversary, and he got me my most favourite pair of purple suede pumps.

    4. ETA: Was thinking a leather padfolio since he needs one for work and only has a crappy one from staples. But where do I get a nice one? He likes legal pads vs. letter, do they come in long sizes?

    5. I bought my husband a monogramed leather toiletries bag. Can’t remember from where – Etsy, probably.

    7. I’ve gotten my husband a leather phone case (from Coach, I think) that looked really nice and held up pretty well (obviously not as protective as some phone cases, but decently so). He really liked it.

      1. Love this idea! Could extend to basketball too!

        I got my husband a monogrammed leather tray for dumping his wallet and keys at the end of the day. You could search leather items on etsy for ideas.

    11. I gave my husband some leather coasters from Etsy. Our old coasters were made from tiles when we remodeled the house. We were baby proofing our house at the time of our 3rd anniversary and thought we should get rid of the hard, breakable coasters.

    12. Kat recommended a leather journal cover from Etsy around the holidays last year. I got one for my husband. It was well-made and very affordable, and it shipped quickly.

      1. Do you recall the seller? I think I like the idea or a leather pad or notebook since he’d use it daily.
        Thanks for the other ideas too!

    13. I got my husband a leather cuff link case (kinda like a jewelry box for men) and had it engraved with his initials. They make similar watch cases.

      My husband got me a football autographed by my favorite football player. Its proudly displayed in my office. A football or baseball would work.

    14. Leather mouse pad? Maybe not special enough, but I sure do love mine. Monogramming is an option at JW Hulme.

    15. I got a gorgeous personalized camera strap on etsy – my husband is really into photography. It had the coordinates of our wedding on it.

  19. Savage Lovecast did a script this morning on what Hillary Clinton should say if Donald Trump brings up Bill’s affairs and it was outstanding. Highly recommend!

  20. I’m looking for a great pair of Chelsea style flat boots under $150 or so. I’ve tried the Madewell ones and I think I need a zipper, because getting them on was not easy for me. Any recs? Thanks.

    2. This is too late for you to see probably, but I have loved my Sam Edelman “Petty” boots. They come in a million colors and I’m pretty sure are $135 or so, and they have a zipper. I’ve heard a ton of other people rave about them too.

  21. Trying again for a few more responses. I changed jobs from an everything-in-Outlook environment to a smaller company where no one uses outlook. Everyone has a paper calendar they bring to the few meetings we have.

    We also keep paper files for accounts (not a law office but similar filing system) and I need to be able to add any notes on accounts to their file. I would like to take up a planner system that accommodates this. I strongly prefer 8.5×11 format for this reason.

    What’s your favorite system?

    1. I was going to recommend the Neuyear calendar that I love, but I’m not sure it meets your second paragraph requirement except for size. Maybe the Arc system from Staples?

  22. Any suggestions for a work tote which has a laptop section on the side of the bag, rather than the centre? I have the Michael Kors travel tote with the centre padded compartment which is great when I have my laptop but if I don’t its just taking up a lot of space and means I can’t pack in things like shoes before it gets super bulky.

    1. There is a Rebecca Minkoff tote with a padded laptop section on one side of the bag – I think it’s called the Regan side-zip tote? they carry it at Nordstrom

  23. My husband’s brother’s daughter (our niece but on his side of the family) is turning 1 in November. She’s also our goddaughter. Her 1st birthday party’s date has been set for months. DH told me this morning that he has to entertain out-of-town work associates the day of the party and won’t make it.

    DH is the kind of guy who would normally really look forward to his niece’s first birthday party. I completely understand why he can’t make it, but I have to admit I was a little shocked/impressed/confused by how casual he was about missing a family event due to work obligations. No apologies. No concern about making it up. And it really made me think about the way I feel guilt and panic about those times my work takes me away from family or personal life. My default in a situation like this would be to say sorry, think about ways I could re-arrange things to make it all work, and guilt if I couldn’t. His default was I have to do this work thing. I can’t do this family thing.

    How do you deal with situations where personal conflicts with professional? Are you a matter-of-fact, this is what is it, kind of person? Feel a lot of guilt and concern? Or some healthy middle between the two?

    1. I think this is less an issue of you vs. him and more an issue of gendered expectations. If a woman very matter-of-factly said, I can’t make it to kid’s first birthday because work, it sounds like she doesn’t care. Women are expected to be apologetic. They’re also expected to prioritize social obligations above work so, ime at least, there’s a sense of, well does she really have to work or does she just not want to come? Men get the automatic benefit of the doubt that he’s doing Important Man Stuff.

      1. I wish I could disagree, but I agree. I decided a long time ago that I don’t travel to bachelor3tt3 parties… just no. And yet, I agonize about them because I feel like I have to give a valid reason. When SO can’t or doesn’t want to attend a bach party, it’s as simple as “Hey man, I’m out. I can’t make it.” and that’s that, no further questions and the topic moves on. But when I cancel, I need an excuse deemed worthy because it will be rebutted with, “oh no, whyyyyyyyy?” Incidentally, this is why I am not having one myself, because I hate putting people in the position of “if you don’t spend money and vacation days on a weekend in Vegas to celebrate the bride, you must not be friends with her.” (This doesn’t just include bachelor3tt3 parties but all the baby and bridal showers women attend, kids’ birthdays, etc.)

        1. You maybe need better friends? I’ve never gotten any reaction other than “yeah I get it, travel is hard. I’ll miss you!”

          1. It’s the person organizing it typically puts on the pressure (not my friend) or for the other things (showers), it’s family that you can’t really trade in for better ones.

          2. Oh man I hear you on bach parties. I had to cancel on one at the last minute because of work but I still paid my share and even had a bottle of champagne delivered to their room. At the wedding, the organizer made several comments about how I “didn’t show up” or “flaked” or “decided not to be there for [bride]” [which, seriously, “be there for” her? I think she can manage to take shots without my loving support]. People who overheard were pretty taken aback but it’s still a not-awesome feeling to be publicly shamed for something like that.

        2. I have to laugh because this is SO TRUE with regard to my husband’s male friends. If we’re all planning something and a couple can’t make it, I’ll often ask “Aw, why can’t they come?” and my husband will just say “I don’t know. He just said he couldn’t make it.” And that seems to be more than enough! Then the guy’s wife will text me a laundry list of reasons they can’t be there and that they’re “SO SORRY” to miss out.

        3. I’m with you nutella, I won’t travel for showers anymore and starting next year I won’t travel for weddings either, with the exception of very, very close friends. I don’t think I’ve ever NOT been asked why I can’t make it to any of these celebrations and needed to come up with a passable excuse.

        4. I hear you. I tried “I’m sorry but I can’t make it” to an out of town bachelorette party that would’ve required me to spend hundreds of dollars and take vacation time, and the organizer sent me an extremely passive aggressive email about it demanding that I explain myself. I also got calls from other people wanting to know why I wasn’t going. It was, in my opinion, ridiculous.

        5. If it makes you feel better — sometimes the men act like this too. When my husband’s lifetime best friend got married, the bachelor party was two weeks before we were supposed to take the bar exam. An a**hat college friend started a shame campaign against my husband, and he ended up going to the party for one night.

          The groom’s entire family are lawyers and were all shocked that DH had gone to the party so close to the bar. Also, groom would not have cared either way. I still fill with rage just thinking about that jacka**.

        6. Ugh, I feel you on this. I’ve had to repeat that I am not going to a friend’s Vegas birthday over and over for 3 months. Why can’t people just respond with a “Too bad, we’ll miss you,” instead of trying to wheedle excuses out of people? And if saying “Because I just don’t feel like it” is enough to piss you off, then I guess we’re not friends and that’s fine.

      2. This is my experience too and a topic visited often in therapy. I’d give anything to not feel guilty saying “no” to plans. I know I shouldn’t but it’s work to practice this, regardless whether it’s a personal or work event.

    2. Depends on what the conflict is – for a niece’s birthday party – would do the work thing and not offer an apologies or accommodations. Just don’t think it’s that important.

      2. Having been on the mom side of this, +1. The birthday party is literally one day out of the child’s entire life. You can visit with her whenever, and have more quality time than you would when the family is entertaining loads of other people.

        This is my wedding invite gripe, too.

    3. Somewhere in the middle, but not always a healthy middle. My personal time is very important to me, particularly as friends and family experience major life events (weddings, babies, awesome new jobs that need to be celebrated), go through the ordinary crises of adulthood (divorces, deaths), and get older. I’ve made myself a promise not to miss those things. At the same time, I love my career and want to be successful, and that means putting in a lot of time.

      How do I do it? Lots of time gymnastics, which can be a little bit crazy, but work for me. And no guilt. Because in my view, if I’m going to make a choice that I’ll feel guilty about, that was the wrong choice. Sometimes that means crazy commingling of life and work. I once brought my best friend as my plus one to a baseball game with clients, because she was only in town for 24 hours and I hadn’t seen her in months. I have, taken conference calls from hotel bathrooms so as not to disturb sleeping travel companions – on three continents. I guess I’m more like your husband, but with the added layer that sometimes my position is “I have to do this family thing. I can’t do this work thing.” And I don’t feel guilty about that either.

      My mother once told me that guilt is an unproductive emotion. That’s overly reductive, but I really believe it to be true when it comes to this type of issue. I know where my priorities are, and I will not waste time feeling guilty about honoring those priorities.

      This is not everyone’s personality, but it is mine (genetically acquired, I think). It may be worth considering a sort of personal experiment – next time you feel that guilt, ask yourself if it’s legitimate. Have you made a choice that aligns with your values? If so, then try to set that guilt aside. It might not work for you, but in other areas where I struggle with my emotional responses, interrogating my feelings sometimes helps…

      1. OP here. I think your approach to this sounds so healthy.

        I guess that my guilt comes primarily where I made a choice that I didn’t want to, but felt like I had to. It’s certainly something I will work on, but it does help to interrogate the feeling, like you said, to determine whether it’s a valid and legitimate feeling.

        The other area I get a lot of guilt from is not being upfront about my availability. So in your friend/baseball game situation, I would know that I had to go to the baseball game with clients, but would tell me friend I would try to make it work with her and could we meet up after, knowing that the likelihood of that happening is slim. Same thing with deadlines and weekend plans. Instead of saying, I won’t make it because we have a closing to prepare for and I’ll have to work this weekend, I hold out hope that my schedule will clear up and I tell people I’ll try to get there and inevitably feel like I’m letting people down.

        1. I totally get that, and I think that it sort of starts with being honest with yourself about what you can do – including what kind of cushion you need to care for your mental health. Look, this will never be a perfect balance. There will always come times when you have to make a choice that you’re not happy about. What helps, though, is to try to get yourself to a place where at least you know in your heart that you’ve done the best you can. I know it is super hard to think about saying “I can’t come to your awesome Firefly binge watch party because I have to close a deal this weekend,” but if you CAN say it, the level of emotional freedom it brings is really helpful. Plus, if the deal falls apart and you end up being free, then everyone is like, OMG! ANONYMOUS IS HERE! And it is like ALL HAIL THE CONQUERING HERO because you were not expected, and you showed up, AND you brought Whole Foods cookies.

        2. You should feel guilty about not being honest about plans. You’re being rude.

          1. As if I hadn’t realized that…

            Thanks for holding up a mirror up to my obvious lack of self-awareness. Congratulations on your ability to peg a stranger on the internet as rude based on her admission that she feels guilt about being rude.

  24. Hi all! I love the Cuyana small size zip around wallet but looking to spend about half that much (I also love the Commes des Garcons one but that’s out of my range right now.) Anyone have ideas for me? I like that it opens flat and has the full zip, but is not as long as the full sized zip around wallets.

  25. Has anyone tried Brass Clothing? The dresses look simple and pretty- a little more “fun” than MM LaFleur. I’d love to hear any reviews!

  26. We have 3 couples (and a single friend) all living together in a house. 1 couple is only here temporarily – for 2 months at the most. But we (the couples) generally work the 9-5, get home at the same time, and last night literally 3 people were using the stove at the same time. It was extremely stressful (for me, who was the person who started first, if that matters), and not very safe, but that’s kind of ymmv. Does anyone have suggestions for what to do? group meals kind of got tossed around but no one really has a compatible diet, as far as I can tell, and no one was really into that idea. What is the alternative? A google calendar and people take 1 hour cooking shifts, 5-8? Should people just not start until the person who started is done?

    2. Is this a problem for the other couples as well? I’d hesitate to try to impose a solution on a situation that may not be a problem for others.

      Maybe you could each cook 2 out of 3 nights, and either eat left overs or go out for the third night.

    3. I would try batch cooking on the weekends o that you don’t actually need 1 hour to get dinner together on most nights. That’s what I do anyway because weeknights are such a crunch.

      1. This is the most ideal solution; I guess I just needed to get over it (how do you get over eating the same meal for 3-5 nights? Make a variety of things and freeze?). I have hands and a slow cooker, right?

        1. Frozen slow cooker meals sound like a perfect solution. You can even put the slow cooker somewhere besides the kitchen to free up space for the chefs.

        2. I make enough Sunday for Sun, Mon, Tues, cook Wed and Thurs, and eat out or takeout Friday.

        3. I also make single dinners ahead of time. Over the course of the weekend, I make about 3 different dinners for the week, including prepping and cooking stir-fry meals that I can then heat up with minimal effort. I try to do at least one soup or chili type thing that I can freeze extra portions of. Then I make one or two quick dinners on other nights — usually broiled fish, rice, and frozen vegetables. Then takeout as needed.

    4. That’s a lot of people in the same house! Wow.

      Can you avoid cooking every day? Like making something in the slow cooker that can last a few days? Otherwise, I agree on getting another stove but don’t know how realistic that is.

      1. OP noted that the couples were not interested in group meals due to different diets.

    6. You should calm down, it wasn’t dangerous, you aren’t entitled to a shift of time exclusively or to monopolize it because first. This is what happens when too many people share it kitchen. It sucks, and you suck it up and make do.

    7. Move out of a group home as couples, especially if stove usage and non group meals and the preferred dinner option.

    8. Schedule 2 couples to have access to stove on MWF and the other couple + single person to access T/TH/S. Sunday can be a free for all.

      Add a slow cooker and a George Foreman style grill and a second microwave so you have options for ‘cooking’ without using the stove. Slow cooker/grill/one microwave reserved for whichever group doesn’t have stove access.

    9. Google calendar and/or buy another stove or some hot plates, slow cooker, Forman grill, rice maker, toaster oven, microwave, etc… Make sure there are plenty of options other than the stove for cooking. I wod be driven up the wall by ppl hovering around me while I’m trying to cook too.

    10. I haven’t got any suggestions for you sombra, but this sounds like my idea of hell. Best of luck sorting this out!

      (I’d probably move. Kidding of course, but ugh.)

  27. Than y’all for recommending D-Mannose to another reader. I’d never heard of it, and am looking forward to a lifetime without UTIs.

  28. I’ve been asked to participate in a career fair. I’ve got 15 minutes to present. How can I be engaging and exciting and “show not tell” what I do as a transactional lawyer to middle schoolers??

    Ideas are much appreciated.

    1. Did you hear that Stop & Shop and A&P are merging into one supermarket?
      Yep! They’re now going to be called Stop & Pee!

    2. Ha, I don’t know about that joke…

      But, I would definitely break down what you do to the basics, “I help my company make agreements to do X and Y”

      or “I help companies buy other companies”.

      and I think relating what you used to learn in middle school and how that led to what you do now can be helpful such as, “I always loved reading very carefully… so now I get paid to read”

    3. I’m a consultant and I always start by asking what problems do they think companies might have. From there I praise answers and move into what a consultant, and some of the key skills. I end with more questioning on what challenges a consultant might face (how would you like it if someone told you to do something different) and how I managed those challenges.

      You might be able to adapt for you, with changing up the questions.

    4. Assuming it is a small group (class, not auditorium, of kids), start by asking questions.

      Start with an easy question, like asking what happens when Sally wants to sell her pencil to Joe. They both know what the pencil looks like, if it’s broken or not, etc. Then ask what happens if Sally owns a tractor/business/cool new app she designed.

      Then ask questions about how well the tractor works, how much money the business makes, how much it costs to run, etc. What happens if Joe and Karen want to buy this thing, and Joe offers more than Karen, but then backs out?

      You’ll ask leading questions, but you can then talk about how your job relates to those questions and situations.

    5. Can you come up with a mock contract or deal using two well-known TV characters or something to make it more interesting? When I presented to my daughter’s 5th grade class on Constitutional Rights I came up with scenarios where police wanted to search SpongeBob’s Pineapple but needed a warrant first, or cookie monster admitted to eating all the cookies, but wasn’t read Miranda even though he had been arrested, etc. I’m not sure if there is anything similar for transactional law, but I found a youtube rap video on the Bill of Rights that the kids LOVED! And of course, school house rocks preamble song.

  29. Ladies, how could I deal with a parent voting Trump a little better? I find myself so upset every time I see parent watching (exclusively) Fox News, saying pro-Trump things, especially around my younger siblings. I’ve really lost a lot of respect for parent over this.

      2. Or just don’t talk politics for 36 days (or ever). When I’m at my parents house, I turn off the TV and gravitate toward the dining room and the conversation naturally follows there (without Fox News blaring). If we’re in the living room, I turn the channel to something non-offensive (HGTV and Food Network are perfect for this).

        If politics or news comes up, I focus away from the presidential election. I usually start in on the local or state races. We discuss the younger siblings in the house and how their school is going/where they’re thinking about going to college. We talk about my kid. We talk about their business or my job. We talk about travel, plans for the holidays, home improvement projects. Redirect, redirect, redirect.

    2. I’m the daughter of a Trump-loving father.
      I am, in some ways, fortunate that I consider my father to be a really smart man. I’ve also done a ton of therapy working on realizing that people are a function of their life experiences and their conclusions about life and their role and status in it are a result of that experience. I happen to think most of us are one deeply personal life experience away from doing a 180 on a closely-held personal belief.
      So when dealing with my dad, his opinions, and his politics, I work to respect the fact that while he may have reached conclusions I strongly disagree with, he has likely given it a lot of thought, based his opinions on his life experience, and has a different starting point for personality traits like empathy. And even in the instances where I think his beliefs are nothing more than uninformed, knee-jerk reactions, I know they’re the beliefs of a person who has his particular life experience. That doesn’t mean I don’t challenge him or encourage him to step outside of himself or ask him to engage in ways that might develop his sense of empathy. I definitely do. But I also recognize that if I were in his shoes, with all of the knowledge and experience of his past, I’d probably feel the same way he does.
      As far as his influence on the people around him- my mother is almost certainly a Trump supporter because of her continued close proximity to political opinion of my father. So when I’m around them both, I engage her as well. I ask her what she thinks, how she feels, what’s important to her, and I give her the opportunity to ask questions and get answers in a way that doesn’t make her feel like I’ve already pre-judged her for feeling unsure and confused.
      It’s not always easy and it’s something I work on a lot because I feel so strongly about the things I believe in and it hurts to know my father doesn’t value those same things, but I also know that my present self is terribly mortified by the beliefs and opinions of my 18-year-old self, so people are capable of changing their views and outlook.

      1. I don’t agree that someone who believes in a blatantly racist and sexist candidate has “given it a lot of thought.”

    3. I would try to see reframe the vote in my mind from “he agrees with this crazy sh*t?!” to “he must be so upset at how dysfunctional things have gotten that he just wants to blow up the system and he is willing to overlook the obvious flaws with his strategy and candidate to do so.” And then I would avoid politics until after election day.

    5. Maybe try to do things with your dad that don’t have to do with politics? Maybe try to expand the scope of your relationship, so that there are things you do together that aren’t just watching the news? Maybe try picking up a new hobby together? Maybe try going to therapy (individually and together, ideally) so that you can work this out?

      OK, yeah, I’m being facetious and a jerk. I am just astonished each time I read a comment where someone is having this much trouble in their relationships (and maybe thinking about cutting certain relatives out of their regular lives) because said relative is voting Trump. I get it — most of us hate him.

      At some point, though, maybe we should love our families. You don’t need to lecture your dad. You don’t need to tell him that you’re offended by his vote. That is crazy. I assume you’re not 18 — grow up. Get a life. Get over your righteous indignation. Vote for Hillary. Campaign for Hillary. Do what you can do to get her elected. But don’t let Trump ruin your relationships. That is ridiculous. Respect your dad. (Because yes, everyone deserves respect, and that goes doubley for your parents.)

      Read Ross Douthat’s recent article in the NYT. The title has something about Samantha Bee. It’s very insightful and maybe will help you reflect on things a little, maybe help you get your priorities straight.

      1. It’s not about hating Trump. It’s about the values Trump espouses being offensive to my core beliefs. Whether it’s Trump type values on minorities (religious, ethnic, cultural, gender or s*xual), women or the military – those values are offensive to my core beliefs and are offensive to many of the values espoused by our Constitution. Someone who supports a person that actively treats others like dirt doesn’t deserve my respect – whether or not I’m related to them. It’s not ‘crazy’ to stand up to someone who treats your friends like they are less than human by supporting someone who would take away their human rights.

        1. Oh, I appreciate the explanation!

          I still personally disagree and won’t follow that path in my own life. I guess to me there’s a hypocrisy that someone “doesn’t deserve my respect” because they don’t respect others. I mean, I get what you’re saying, but I just differ from you on it and take a different route.

          And I suppose that I what I really wish is that we could all try kindness. Just being nice to people. The people we like and the people we don’t. I’m a believer that everyone has a good quality to them. So maybe just try to look for that and focus on that. Not reduce people to their vote. This is just a general thing that I try to do (don’t always succeed) in life. It’s not just for this election, but this election really calls for some basic return to compassion, I think. And it’s not really compassion, not really respecting everyone, unless you give that compassion and respect to everyone.

          1. I don’t know. If your dad was an avowed racist and said that AAs were lazy scumbags, you would still respect him? (not saying Trump says this but am giving an example)

          2. We definitely have different views then. In my view, respect is earned, not given. And Trump or his supporters have done nothing to earn my respect.

            I also 100% disagree that one cannot “reduce people to their vote”. In many ways, who they vote for shows the core of who they are. A vote for a violence supporting racist misogynist says a lot about who the voter is.

            I have no patience or kindness for the powerful and privileged like Trump who stomp on the powerless.

          3. Well, Not OP, you do you. I’ll respect you even if I don’t agree with you! And I’ll try to be kind to you.

            Be the change we want to see in the world; love the sinner, hate the sin; who am I to judge; before you judge, walk a mile in their shoes; etc etc etc.

            They’re platitudes and sound trite, but I think we need more of these ideas. I am sad about a society where people have strong values and ideals for humanity, but then don’t have patience or kindness for fellow humans. But, I remember what I was like back in college for the 2004 election, when I was so confident that I was right and people who didn’t vote my way (ie those who voted W) were wrong that I felt justified in trying to humiliate those people. I don’t want to be that person.

            I do think that kindness would go a long long way. I believe Kurt Vonnegut identified as a humanist, basically with the central idea that we should be kind to each other here on earth, in our lives. Or MLK’s saying that he’s going to stick with love because hate is too great a burden. We need more of that.

          4. Trump is not W. Not by a long shot. Even W and his mom are supporting HRC.

            As I said in my first post, it’s not about ‘hating’.

            It’s about standing up for what is right. You don’t have to hate or humiliate someone to stand up for your beliefs and let them know that you chose not to spend time with friends or family members who do not respect your core beliefs in fundamental human rights.

    6. My family are die hard liberals/progressives and support Hilary as I do and I STILL avoid THEM and tell them not to talk politics around me anymore. The over-reacting paranoia that the media loves to incite is enough to cause anxiety to the best of us.

    7. I think it’s reasonable to ask your parent to stop talking about. “No politics at the dinner table” is a popular rule in many families for a reason.

    8. Thanks ladies for the thoughtful replies. I have gotten a handle on the fact that I am not going to change parent’s mind, on having reasonable conversations with siblings that ask them to consider the sources of their info and always seek reputable sources without undermining parent, and typically on not throwing a hissy fit over parents comments/viewing of Fox News. I am trying to redirect conversations that veer off course but it is hard when I want to say ‘I can’t believe you said/think that/that’s racist/there is no evidence for that/etc.’ But I’m struggling myself with the loss of respect, with feeling hurt and disappointed, etc.

  30. What do you do when you feel like you don’t have anything you want to talk about at therapy and have a session coming up?

    2. A therapist would say “Let’s talk about why you don’t think you have anything to talk about.”

    3. Tell your therapist. It will probably begin a conversation about where you’re at emotionally and whether you want to continue therapy or wind down.

      (I’m serious!)

      1. Yep. Therapy for the mind, like physical therapy, is not really meant to last forever. if you broke your leg, it healed, and you had physical therapy, you wouldn’t expect to have to do it forever. You may need an occasional tune up, but for the most post, therapy isn’t meant to last forever.

    4. Sometimes that happens to me because I’m just spent from dissecting my life constantly. Cancel one session. Go to the next one. Talk about why you cancelled, if you have nothing else to talk about. Maybe wind down therapy. Maybe change directions in therapy.

  31. Piggy backing off of anon at 12:41 – what do you do when you learn a good friend believes something totally different than you? Examples include, but are not limited to, evolution, vaccinations, trump, etc. I find those topics rarely come up in conversation (the first 2 at least) but once I learn someone’s position, I might just start judging them a little…

    1. I blatantly judge them. I’m glad I don’t have too many friends like that. I have very little patience for someone who believes in something that is 100% bullshit. No sympathy.

    2. For vaccinations, I would probably avoid as there are a number of areas with the rate is below herd immunity levels so I don’t want my kids to get sick.

    3. well I think it really depends on how open they are with differing views. I have a very Catholic friend and we go back and forth on almost every issue it seems lately but she’s a intelligent, a great debater and does not take things personally. We always end up with to each his own but its good to be able to be talked through the ‘other side’ logic every once in a while

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