ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Tulip Sleeve Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Happy Friday! This marigold-yellow dress is a stunner. Even if you’re a person who doesn’t think that yellow is a flattering color for you, I’d encourage you to take a look at a more mustard-y color like this one. I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how much I like it on myself, and I think it looks beautiful on a wide range of skin tones. If you like the shape of this dress but aren’t quite ready to go for something so bright, it also comes in black.

The dress is $39.97 and available in sizes XS–XL. Tulip Sleeve Dress

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Sales of note for 12.5

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332 Comments

  1. Yay Elizabeth! Happy Friday! I love this mustard colored dress; and very frugal for a Friday! You are right about the color also. As a blonde with lighter hair, I normaly would NOT ask the manageing partner about buying this dress, but for $40, why not? I doubt he will say no, and if I wind up looking great in it, I may start wearing more yellow and mustard colored clotheing. There was an Anne Klein suit I never bought years’ ago that Myrna wound up buying and she still wears it and looks great! So like the Powerball; it goes to show you that you must be in it to be a winner! YAY!!!

  2. My boyfriend and I are planning to move into my apartment, but we have a complication right now.

    Boyfriend is a pro-2A guy and owns 3 rifles and 2 handguns. He insisted that he should take his guns with him to my apartment. He even wants to put 1 handgun and 1 rifle in our bedroom for so-called “home defense”. However, I have always been a anti-2A person. And I believe guns will actually makes our home dangerous.

    We have been arguing with this for days. What should I do?

    1. This is obviously not real. But if it were real, the answer would be, don’t move in with someone you have such fundamental disagreements with. If you have children one day, do you want them to live in a house with “3 rifles and 2 handguns?” If you don’t care enough to stand up for yourself, then stand up for your future children and give this guy an ultimatum: me or the guns.

      1. I am not sure why you think it’s not real. But it is indeed. I’m hesitating because he told me that he can put gun in his gun safe then it won’t be dangerous to people around.

        Another reason is that I don’t consider political views are so fundamental to make me break up with my boyfriend. Since I knew his political view from the beginning. We just hadn’t considered this matter till now.

          1. It’s a second safe that can be unlocked by finger prints. I searched the Internet and found this kind of products really exists, but not sure if it’s safe enough.

        2. Really? You’re anti-2A and it never came up before now that he has a rifle and a handgun not in a safe in his bedroom? Because otherwise you’re arguing that he either doesn’t currently keep guns in his bedroom but wants to keep them in your shared bedroom OR that you’ve never been in his bedroom and that’s why you didn’t know about the guns before. Neither of these seems very likely.

          I get that you’re a tr0ll but at least get your story straight.

          1. Most gun owners don’t advertise the fact that they are gun owners. Anyone that’s been in my bedroom would not know what guns are in it, even if they were sleeping with me. And one of those guns in a safe but it is so inconspicuous and in a non-obvious place, you wouldn’t know.

          2. You seriously don’t tell the people you are sleeping with that you are a gun owner or that there’s a gun in the bedroom. Wow.

          3. The gun isn’t going to just go off on its own. It’s not in a place he could accidentally touch it. I’d rather he not know it is there until we are in a committed relationship as it is there for my own protection. Not as an invitation for him to use it against me.

            Do you ask someone you are new to dating if they have guns before you sleep over at their place? Wouldn’t it be weird to you for them to say “oh by the way, I have a gun safe in my closet.” Doesn’t that sound a little like a threat?

        3. This isn’t a political dispute – those are largely theoretical, about beliefs and public support. This is a lifestyle dispute. You both (well, at least one of you) have to decide whether you can live with the other’s lifestyle or not. You might be able to compromise by limiting the number or agreeing to safe rules, but ultimately, you either live in a home with firearms, or you don’t.

        4. While I appreciate that, on principle, you won’t break up with someone just because they have opposing political views, I will mention that ideological incompatibility is definitely a thing. Sometimes two people’s differing political opinions can make it difficult, or downright impossible, to sustain a long-term relationship. Abortion views, for example, can definitely make or break a romantic relationship.

      2. This was real for me. My boyfriend (now husband) had a weapon for “self defense.” I told him I would not move in with him until he sold it. He did so within a few weeks. I just believe the statistics that it’s more likely to harm someone in your home than to be able to be successfully used for self defense. OP, I believe you, and I think if it’s important enough to you, you draw the line.

      3. She is busy trying to salvage her relationship and of course it is real. Why else would she be asking the hive for advice. While we may all agree he is a neandertheal, the fact is she is having s-x with him, moving in with him, and likely marrying him, so we must treat this seriously. I recommend she think twice about the relaionship, b/c he could go postal some time, and with guns all over the place, look out! She should think long and hard about moving in with a gun nut and if she has doubts, she should live elsewhere.

    3. I’m not really sure how you got to this point of being about to live together, when you disagree so strongly on gun ownership. Did you just find out he owned guns? Or did you know but assumed he’d give them up or cut down the collection when you moved in together? Either way, it sounds like this disagreement is highlighting a fundamental incompatibility that will only get worse when kids come into the picture, so it might be best to end it now.

      1. I knew his political view from the beginning. We just hadn’t considered this matter till now. I was a little short-sighted.

      2. I mean, I could get it if it was *one* gun kept for self-defense. But this is a gun nut, no two ways about it.

      2. +1 million. Trying to rile up people about politics. If it were genuine it would just be “my BF owns guns and I don’t want them in my home.” No need to mention anything about “pro” or “anti” the “2A.”

        1. I’m not sure why is this whole “2A” thing is annoying. People mention it a lot. Plus, I’m not even talking about politics. I’m against 2A. That’s all.

          1. Being anti-Second Amendment is not really a thing. The controversy is over its interpretation, specifically the well-regulated militia clause.

          2. I don’t think anyone calls it that who isn’t invested in arguing about it on the internet.

          4. Yeah I think I’m about as pro-gun control as they come but I would never describe myself as “anti-Second Amendment.” I think it’s been interpreted wrong, but mostly my issue isn’t with the law, it’s with the NRA buying congressmen and preventing reasonable gun safety measures that are supported by most Americans from being passed. That has nothing to do with the Constitution itself.

          5. I’m anti-Second Amendment. It’s not a common viewpoint but it exists.I and a few people I know believe it should be repealed and very very strict gun control laws passed.

        4. I’d love to see the 2A repealed. It won’t happen, but if I were benevolent dictator I would. Guns are just so low-class and crass. They’re a social marker IMO.

    5. If you’re both committed to opposing viewpoints and can’t get past it, it seems that you should break up and find more compatible partners.

    6. Any responsible gun owner should keep their guns unloaded and in a gun safe. If he is not willing to do this, I would absolutely not accept guns in the home under any other circumstance.

      Other than that, if you can’t get past it, you can’t. Neither of you is “wrong” or “right,” you just disagree. Either you compromise or you don’t. People on this board sharing their views on the 2A is beside the point.

        1. I mean the guns are still more likely to be used to kill you than an intruder, so I’d vote no but you do you.

        3. No one here can answer this for you. I’m not interested in the broader political debate for purposes of this thread. If you are fundamentally opposed to having guns in the home AT ALL, however responsibly handled (which to me means kept unloaded and locked in the safe), then there’s no real compromise available to you — and you should break up, sorry.

          1. +1 I’ve lived in homes with firearms before and, for me, if they are locked in a safe unloaded and I have been to the range enough to feel comfortable handling them (I have) then it works for me. That doesn’t mean it has to work for you though. You get to decide where you fall on this issue, but if you can’t agree then you need to break up because, as others have said, this is a fundamental difference in beliefs in your relationship that doesn’t appear to be compatible!

        5. BF and I have unloaded guns in a gun safe, hidden in a closet. I forget they are there 90% of the time.

        6. I would want equal access to that gun safe, personally. If he had concerns about adding my fingerprint, I wouldn’t trust him to have them in my house. I’d need to know a LOT more about whether his level of responsible gun ownership matches mine or not. Is he trained? Where and how? Can he hit a mark under a high stress situation without killing someone else like me? Is he going to hear me coming back from the bathroom at night and think I’m an intruder? What’s his intruder plan and how does it involve me to make sure I’m safe? Will he make sure he has confirmed his target and what is behind it?

          My personal responsible gun use plan involves guns as a last resort. So in the case of an intruder, I try to quietly safely escape first. If I can’t, I try to hide and wait for help. If and only if I am found and have no other choice would I use my firearm. And the realty is my husband is far better trained than me so if he were home, it would be in his hands, not mine, but following the same scenario.

          Neither of us is marching downstairs to confront an intruder with our gun.

          If even these discussions make you uncomfortable, you need to evaluate whether that’s something you can overcome and if not, you need to end the relationship. If you can’t discuss it you can’t live it.

    7. I don’t think this is real but even if it was, the obvious answer is you tell him no. It’s not negotiable. And you are 100% right that “guns will actually makes our home dangerous.” Facts are facts. “a gun in the home is 43 times more likely to be used to kill a friend or family member than a burglar or other criminal.” https://www.healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/at-home/Pages/Handguns-in-the-Home.aspx

      If he has hunting rifles then he can keep them at the local hunting/fishing club. No reason to ever have a gun in the home. And he’s being a jerk about a safety issue. JSFAMO.

      1. I have absolutely lived somewhere where as a single woman who could be seen coming and going late at night and early in the morning, I felt very unsafe. I woke up at night to someone trying to break in and after that there was no peace with any noise at night. I took a shooting class, learned that my arms then weren’t strong enough to really hold a large caliber gun terribly well and shoot accurately more than once, and that a shotgun is what you really need more for self-defense. I started lifting. I got pretty serious about safety, saved up, and thought that maybe a noticeable large dog would help counteract whatever someone might think about trying to break in. I would up moving in with some roommates (2 were guys, 1 girl in a safer area), but had I not been able to, would have gotten a shotgun since the dog was much more expensive (and might have limited my ability to move as a renter, especially as it would have been a dog > 50 pounds or whatever the limits usually are on dogs).

    8. If you rent, check your lease, I wouldn’t be surprised if some apartments restrict things like this. If you own, double check your HOA restrictions.

      Then again I dated a guy who insisted it was his right to leave the trash cans outside, instead of in the garage, despite the fact that the HOA prohibits it and no one else in the neighborhood leaves their cans outside. Some people can’t be reasoned with.

      1. I seriously doubt that leases speak to things like this, much less HOAs. The only place I’ve seen “no guns” is in a license given to students living in dorms (and in a pretty 2A friendly state).

          1. Where was that? In many cities previously, handguns were already illegal and rifles were highly regulated, so this may have been a redundancy (or back then: only criminals have guns), especially in the NEUS / DC.

            Big commercial landlords now have counsel that would not put something like that in. Small individuals owners may do other things (e.g., no smoking; now: no weed).

      2. Whaaaat how could a HOA prohibit guns? HOAs deal with stuff that’s visible from the outside of your house and affects your neighbors views. Anyway, I’m sure if there were any HOA that banned guns, the NRA would have found a way to challenge it long ago, and would have won. Telling private citizens that they can’t keep guns in their own homes seems blatantly unconstitutional to me, and I say that as someone who is very pro-gun control.

    9. You fundamentally disagree and should break up. You have fundamentally different values when it comes to safety and deadly weapons in the home. You were both short-sighted to get to this point in the relationship. This isn’t “just” politics, it’s core values.

      i’m replying even though this seems fake. If it’s real, you should think about how you present things. “anti” “2a”

    10. So take this with a grain of salt since I was raised in the SEUS (gun culture) and in a family that hunted. Guns have been present in my life since I was a child. I never had interest and have always been mildly afraid of them. Husband is a veteran, and we have guns in our home.
      A gun safe that is big enough to fit a rifle is not going to be casually stolen by a thief like a small safe might. They are huge and heavy and pretty darn secure. You or a future hypothetical kid aren’t going to be able to access them assuming the thing stays locked and you/kid don’t know the combo or have a backup key that sometimes come with safes. Kids can get locked in that size safe though, which is a whole other thing.
      The number one rule I had when my spouse and I moved in together, was I wanted to be fully aware of how the gun works. This way I could safely handle, fire, unload them if I had to. This of course meant a few trips to the gun range.
      I say all this not as a way to convince you of the pros/cons of gun ownership. Clearly you both have opposing opinions which is something I can relate to. I would personally never own a gun, but when properly stored and handled, I’m fine with them in the house. He likely won’t budge, and you seem pretty adamant as well. So it’s either find a compromise that works for you both or break up.

      1. +1 This could be me (minus hubs being a veteran – PS thank you and your husband for your service).

    11. I am team less-guns and prefer not owning one or having one in my house. My fiance has several, with sentimental meaning given to him or inherited from family members (including some antiques). He was in target and sport shooting as a kid but doesn’t do it now. I wouldn’t object to him going out with friends to shoot sporting clays, but it’s not something he does as a hobby.

      You do you, but here is where we settled: All guns are always locked in gun safe and unloaded. He and I are the only ones with the code, and it’s memorized and not written anywhere. We don’t have any ammo in the house nor plans to get any.

      For me, this was a point of compromise but didn’t feel like I was betraying my values.

    12. Assuming anyone in this is real, here is where I would stand:

      Nice apartment in crime-free area in large fairly secure building not somewhere near zombie apocalypse or Venezuela (legit risk of civil unrest there), no neighbors in the drug trade and you are not either: nothing needed in bedroom; put everything in gun safe elsewhere.

      Sketchy apartment: move; then do same.

      Rural area, lots of drug-related crime and risk of break-ins overnight (rare: a thief doesn’t want to confront you really): everything in a safe but keep the long gun handy.

      1. To be fair, Gary shot a bird just for chirping and Phoebe was an animal lover. That was the impetus for the breakup, not the gun ownership.

    14. I’m not anti-2A, just anti-unsecured-guns-in-my-home and had similar arguments with my husband in 2018 and 2019 when I found out that he was lying about having gotten rid of his guns and ammo.

      Last week he tried to kill me.

      You’re allowed to set this boundary. It’s unlikely he’ll try to use them to hurt you, but it’s even more unlikely that he’ll end up using them to defend you. You don’t have to be in imminent danger to refuse a living situation you’re uncomfortable with.

        1. Yes, I’m safe and somewhere else while I try to sort through the fallout of everything. Thanks.

    16. Statistically, the most common lethal use of a gun kept in the house is on a resident of that house, so I wouldn’t be moving in with this guy.

    17. This is real. I found myself in exactly the same situation before I got married. We ended up with a gun safe and 15 years later it’s a non-event.

      1. I don’t think anyone is saying the situation of not seeing eye-to-eye on gun ownership couldn’t be real, just that this particular poster is obviously a tr0ll.

    18. This question (yes, yes, assuming it’s real) seems to have conflated some issues. Does being “anti-2A” mean you don’t think anybody anywhere should own guns? If this is your stance, then yes, you two are fundamentally incompatible.

      But if your view is somewhere on the “gun reform” spectrum, then it depends where he falls. My husband (southern, military, hunter, highly educated, and a conservative Democrat) has over 20 guns. I am definitely not crazy about it. I am REALLY not ok with the AK-47 he has (purchased years before we met). But 1) he’s a passionate supporter of common sense gun reform, 2) he’s vigilant about gun safety, 3) most of the weapons are antique collectibles, and 4) he respects my views on all of this. Yep, there’s a handgun in his nightstand…and I think one in his glove box in his truck. All the rest of his guns are in the giant gun safe in the basement. (FWIW, I wouldn’t get a fingerprint one – I’d hate for the technology to malfunction in an emergency – ours has a passcode.)

      There really is such a thing as a responsible gun owner. Whether your boyfriend is one is something you should have figured out well before you two got to the point of moving in together. If you believe he’s a responsible gun owner, then examine your feelings. Do you believe no one should own guns? Are you scared of the idea of having a gun in the house? Decide if your reaction is political or emotional and how those intersect with the truth of what you know about your BF’s character.

      1. While I agree that there is such a thing as a responsible gun owner, your husband isn’t one.

        1. +1. Also, “a passionate supporter of common sense gun reform” wouldn’t own an AK-47. There’s absolutely zero reason an individual in the United States should have an AK-47

  3. Does anyone have a recommendation for a coffee table with a lid that pops up? I’d like to be able to use my laptop while on the couch as well as have some extra storage space. I’ve looked into the West Elm Industrial Storage Coffee Table which fits the bill but also seems to have mixed reviews – People say it scratches easily and the lid doesn’t close fully. Recommendations welcome!

    1. I’ve had that one for over 5 years. The kids have abused it, so it is scratched a bit. I think it does close fully, but sometimes you have to push down on it to make sure it closes — I think this is due to the spring mechanism. It comes in handy when I want to type on my laptop while sitting on the couch. I recommend it!

    2. I also have this table. We love the look of it, and haven’t had problems with the lid closing. I will say, my brother in law lived in our place for a while and REFUSED to use a coaster, so the top has a bunch of rings on it now that I don’t love.

      1. Weird fix for water rings: mayonnaise. Seriously. Smear it on the water rings, let it sit, and wipe it off. If nothing else, it’s cheap and non-toxic!

        1. whaaat??? I’m trying that this weekend.
          Also, I have a table like this from Amazon. It was garbage to put together but seems sturdy, and I don’t expect to take it with me when we move within the next 5 years.

          1. If it’s already got water rings, what do you have to lose? I am going to try it.

    1. She could have gotten her kid a dumb phone, but more to the point, smartphones wouldn’t ruin her kid’s life. This article is sanctimonious.

      1. She never said it would? No need to get defensive. She says the smartphone decision was a personal choice for their family. Isn’t that what you do with yours as well?

        1. I think you’re intentionally pot-stirring, both by posting the article and by replying like this. I also think you’re the sanctimonious mom who keeps posting about how dedicated you are to keeping your kids off screens. Honey, we get it, okay? You’re an amazing mom. You’re much better than the rest of us. Your gold medal is in the mail. Now can you give it a rest, please? Sheesh. It’s getting boring, already.

          1. I’m not a mom yet but clearly what I thought was a cute article struck a nerve. It was just so different from how I was at my age and it’s exactly what I dream of in a daughter one day – a smart problem-solver who can talk to adults. Not everything is a tr0ll post, you know?

          3. Sorry to the OP. As a parent, you need to give your kids tools to get by, including a dumb phone if you are morally opposed to smartphones. Did I grow up in the 1970s without phones? Yes. Did I problem solve like this almost every week? Yes, if I was dropped off at the Y and my lesson was canceled or my mother was stuck in traffic and couldn’t reach me or whatever. Does that mean a well to do mom in NYC should avoid helpful and occasionally crucial technology? That’s what annoyed me about the article.

      2. Agree 100%. It’s very fortunate that her daughter was able to problem-solve, but she shouldn’t have put the child in that position in the first place. That’s like saying, “I didn’t get my child vaccinated against the flu, she got the flu, and she didn’t die. That makes me a better parent than everyone who vaccinates their kids!”

        1. But not vaccinating your child is putting them in danger. Not giving them a smartphone to handle a meet-up with a babysitter isn’t unless you believe that any time a child is out of the sight of an adult, they’re inherently in a dangerous situation.

    2. I thought it was interesting and proves the point that kids don’t truly need cell phones, though they certainly can come in handy.

      1. Right.

        And kids don’t call each other on home phones anymore, in part because many people don’t have home phones, just cell phones. But they still don’t call though — they text.

        I’d like my kid to text her friends. I would not like her feeling pressured to send nekkid selfies to get boys to like her, but that is a parenting challenge and not a problem with the phones themselves. I expect she may spend too much time watching YouTube etc., but I waste time and invest time and try to strike the right balance.

      2. I read it yesterday and thought it was just so sanctimonious and self-congratulatory.

      3. +1 Her daughter problem solved quite well, no issues. I thought it was a good reminder that cell phones are a luxury and not a “need” for a 11yo.

  5. Who has watched Cheer on Netflix? Wow is all I can say. What an insane world and what compelling kids.

    1. I watched it. Honestly, the injuries made me a little sick. I would not want my child to participate in this sport.

    2. I have, and found it interesting. I’d like to adopt Morgan. I don’t understand the point of it all though. Perhaps that’s because I was never an athletic kid, but I just don’t understand the reasoning behind harming yourself physically for…a trophy? I understand that sports can teach kids important lessons about goals, discipline, teamwork, etc. But this seems to go beyond that, to the point where people are competing with some serious injuries that I imagine will have consequences for them down the road. Can someone explain why sports at this level–no chance of going pro, extremely physically harmful and dangerous– is something people enjoy pursuing? It is really that the glory of a trophy is worth the means? Again, I just don’t have the athletic mindset and am trying to understand the passion they have for cheerleading.

      1. The same is true for football. Not that it makes it ok, just pointing out the parallel. It seems like there’s some change in kids’ permission to play based on awareness of injury risk, but the sport isn’t exactly going anywhere.

        Personally I am inspired by people’s talent and devotion to whatever they do. I love watching people who are obsessed with a goal, and obsession tends to bring with it some questionable choices. I also winced when I saw the kids getting injured, and of course thinking about how little all of this may mean in their overall life trajectories since their cheering careers have essentially already peaked. All of that said, I enjoyed the show. I don’t have kids and so have never had to think about whether I’d allow them to take these kinds of risks.

      2. I participate in two dangerous sports at a non-competitive level and I find that I love building up skill over time, taking reasonable risks, and accomplishing something due only to hard work. For these kids, it clearly gave them their first chance to be part of a team and to be “winners” at something – to have people respect them, which was clearly something many has grown up without.

        1. Anon at 9:58, you make an interesting point about respect. I hadn’t considered that and I think you’re absolutely right.
          Monday, I agree about the dangerousness of football too. I recently watched the Aaron Hernandez documentary so that’s been on my mind too. I guess with football there is at least a payoff with the possibility of making in in the NFL? Personally I still don’t think the risk is there but at least there is a potential big monetary reward, unlike with cheerleading.

      3. My son is in martial arts. He hurts himself sometimes, but it’s not “for a trophy,” it’s because part of being physically active at a competitive level sometimes involves injury. He competes in both sparring and kata at tournaments and while winning is nice, he does it because mastering a kata, or competing in a sparring competition, gives him a sense of accomplishment and the discipline involved to get good at something is useful for him and has carried over into other parts of his life, like school. I haven’t watched the documentary but I know that cheering requires a lot of physical discipline. My son has cheerleaders in his karate class who come because it’s a different type of physical conditioning, still requiring precision of movement and memorization of a sequence of movements, that helps them be better cheerleaders. I was not an athletic kid either, but watching my son participate in karate and seeing how it has enhanced his life (not just the physical aspect, but socially and mentally also), I think anything kids want to do that gets them moving and teaches them to work cooperatively with others and develop mental discipline is amazing and should be encouraged. Yes, in sports people get hurt. People also get hurt stepping off curbs walking across a street. A lot of people die from living sedentary lifestyles. The risk of getting hurt isn’t a reason not to do something that is tremendously beneficial in other ways.

        1. +1 to your last couple sentences. I’d rather get hurt doing something I love than die after living a quietly desperate sedentary life.

        2. Those are two extremes. You don’t have to be either a competitive athlete or living a quietly desperate sedentary life.

        3. I did martial arts seriously for ten years and it is nowhere near as crazy dangerous as the stuff the kids are doing on Cheer. Yes, my karate teacher always said “if you’re gonna do sports, you’re gonna get injuries,” and that’s true to a point. But my injuries in martial arts were things like broken fingers and toes and pulled muscles and we always wore protective gear. When those kids get thrown in the air like that they risk life threatening injuries. Not the same thing at all. I was horrified by the cavalier attitude of the adults in Cheer.

        2. His laissez-faire attitude about the fact he neglected his daughter drove me up a wall.

          1. I know. La’Darius’s family at least had some redemptive qualities, but Morgan’s father didn’t even bother to look the cameraperson in the eye. Despicable.

      2. Yes!! I binged it in the last few days and loved it. Can I add Ladarius to that list too? So many of them had incredibly difficult upbringings, and glad to see they’re surviving to thriving. I agree with their coach on nothing political/cultural, but I think it was really telling to see how much she loved the kids on her team (and serves to show there are some common themes we can appreciate even when we come at the world from different viewpoints).

        1. Absolutely. It was implied, although not outright shown, that much of Corsicana is homophobic. The only true homophobia that was shown was from the family of one of the kids. In all of that, Monica is their main support. It just goes to show that we shouldn’t make judgments on someone’s politics on face value.

      5. I am close with one of Jerry’s cheer moms. I thought you might like to know that he really is as delightful as he seems on the show, and the cheer moms are looking out for him in every way.

        I hope Morgan’s father is suffering the consequences of being outed as the POS he is.

        1. Honestly? That makes me tear up a little. That someone can have gone through everything they talked about on the show and he is still that positive and delightful? Truly, one of the bright lights in this world.

        2. The cheer moms’ love and care for Jerry really came through in the show. Your friend and all the cheer moms are amazing. Jerry seems like a truly special person and I’m really glad he’s gotten a platform to spread his energy, because it’s infectious.

    4. I grew up in competitive cheer (albeit more than a decade ago), and I was part of a Texas-based gym that has always been one of the major players in competitive cheerleading (it’s actually the Dallas-area gym where a lot of the Navarro team moonlights). I loved the documentary, in part because it reminded me of some of the things I loved about competitive cheer– the crazy tumbling and stunts, the diversity of personalities and backgrounds on the team, dedicated coaches, etc. Watching Cheer made me want to get back into tumbling, though I think my time for that has passed.

      I also don’t think I would let my kids do cheer, mostly for safety reasons. Concussions (sometimes quite severe ones) were very common, and neck/back injuries were not unheard of. Of course, broken noses, torn ACLs, broken ankles, and other injuries like that occurred too, but those happen in any sport. Its the head/neck injuries that are so scary. I am positive that the Navarro has skill progressions and a LOT more safety precautions than are evident in the show. But, even trying to do things as safely as possible, the sport is risky.

  7. Polling the commentariat, what is your average years-per-job since completing your education?

    I’ve had three jobs since completing graduate school nearly 10 years ago, so I’m averaging 3.3 years per job (with my shortest tenure being my current one at just under two years). Curious what’s “average” around these parts…

    1. I’m the same as you – 3 jobs in 10 years. I think it’s becoming more common to move around a bit, but I have friends who have been at the same job their entire career.

    2. 3 jobs in 10 years also. But I expect to stay in my current job forever; not because it’s so amazing but because we’re stuck in a relatively small town for my husbands job and since my job has awesome benefits and great work-life balance, I could only see myself leaving for a “dream job” type opportunity, which wouldn’t exist without a geographic move.

      1. Can I ask, what is husband’s job? Were your first two jobs in the small town too or just the third one?

    3. I’m sure this is rare – still at my first job out of college 19 years later.

      I make good money, can WFH whenever I want, unlimited PTO. And honestly barely have 40 hours of work to do in a week. I’ve thought about looking elsewhere but I’ve gotten comfortable. I’m not really into having a career or being CEO. I greatly value work/life balance and I’ve got that here.

      4. I’m still at the same place where I was hired right out of grad school almost 30 years ago. BUT, my job has changed considerably over the years with promotions and moving into administration and I’m tenured, so not all that unusual.

        1. I work in IT – software development. I tell people I’m like the guy from Office Space who takes the requirements from the customers and gives them to the engineers.

          I got a degree in computer science, but I did not like doing the coding and I sort of stumbled into this job by accident – it is really a system/business analyst role where I writ requirements for the developers to write their code.

          I don’t know if all roles like this have the same company culture with allowing WFH, etc. When I first started working, it was a standard 8-5 job where I was in the office five days a week. The company has evolved over the years to where a lot of people in IT are in different states, countries, etc. so there is a lot of remote work.

          There have been so many different reorgs so that my boss is in a different state and I only see him a few times a year.

    6. 2 jobs post finishing law degree. 2.5 years in BigLaw, 4 years in-house at F50 company, 1 promotion in those 4 years. Might be time to level up, having a hard time deciding whether to target a bigger company on F50 or higher seniority +managing other lawyers at smaller company. Pros and cons to both, haven’t taken the plunge yet.

    7. After graduation (master’s) I worked an unrelated job, a related job, and an internship all at the same time for about 2 years- then a little over a year of unemployment/mininmal freelancing when I moved for DH. Now I’ve been at a job I like for almost 4 years.

    8. 11 years, 4th going on 5th job. Technically there have been A&M that contribute to this high count.

    9. 10 years in the same job; only job since law school other than clerking (which I don’t think counts for your purposes). 2 years in my first job before law school.

    10. 7 years and change at the same job since graduating law school. Definitely ready for a change!

    11. I’m the person doing what everyone tells you not to do, although it’s not been an issue for me . . .

      Three years between college and law school: 4 jobs (two of them with the same boss who pulled me to the second job with him), one change due to relo, and one change due to choosing to go to law school and wanting to work in a legal environment before school

      11+ years since law school: 7 different employers with 10 different job positions.

    12. 4 years at job 1, 18 months at job 2, been at job 3 for 6 months and hoping to stay a while, but may need to relocate in the next two years. I worry about job hopping but most of the people around me have similar patterns.

    14. 3.5 years since graduating, one employer but three different jobs there. The first was a training programme which included time limited rotations, then one job for 18 months and I just started my third job this month.

      1. Question as I have been at my large employer for 3 years with a similar path, and I worry that it’s going to look like internal “job-hopping.” I started out as a contractor and after a year, was offered the chance to become a full-time employee in a different department in a different job (it was a 12k pay bump and better benefits so I took the offer). I was in that job for two years and then was recruited to join another department, higher up in the organization, with more interesting work and more responsibility. I had a conversation with my manager last week where she said that the expectation is for me to stay in my new department two years, maximum, and then go for a management position, but not to be surprised if I was offered an acting or permanent manager role before that two years is up. I was in previous jobs for 4-5 years so moving every 12-24 months seems weird to me, but it’s apparently expected for “high potentials” in my company. Do you (or anyone else doing this kind of thing) worry about how it will be perceived if you leave your company at some point?

        1. I don’t personally – for me the bigger worry is that I’ll be out of date with new software as I’m still on windows 7 and office 2013 at work! A two year training programme after university is very normal in the U.K., which might contribute to my lack of worry. My new field (or specialism within the industry) is growing very fast at the moment so there are lots of people who haven’t been doing it forever.

    15. 3 jobs, 15 years. One of those was a 1 year federal clerkship though. So 2 jobs in 14 years feels more accurate. I tend to stay in jobs for a LONG time — and no it has nothing to do with them being great jobs or great places to work, more like I’m apparently unhireable.

    16. This is rare, but I graduated in 2002 and am in my third workplace. I’ve been at the third place for 12 years now.

      First two jobs were ~3.25 years and ~2.5 years.

    17. I had 5 jobs within 10 years of graduating from law school, but 2 of them were one-year clerkships (and a 3rd was a one-year stint between clerkships). So basically I had 3 jobs in the first 3 years out, and 2 jobs in the next 7 years. I plan to stay at the 2nd (current) job indefinitely.

    18. Two jobs in 13 years; I’ve been with my current company for nearly 10 years and will stay for as long as I can — not necessarily because it’s the greatest job ever (although in a lot of ways it’s pretty awesome), but because it allows me to work remote so I can follow my army husband. It’s pretty much the unicorn attorney mil spouse job.

    19. Graduated law school 3 years ago, and have been at 3 jobs since, so average 1 year per job. It kinda makes sense though, started out in extremely toxic horrible firm, took the first offer I could get to get out which was, not surprisingly, also pretty toxic but less so. I was able to be MUCH choosier about third firm and I absolutely love it and hope to stay here forever.

    20. Four jobs in seven years. First couple jobs were only 10 months, then two jobs that were very nearly three years each. It’s frustrating, I don’t want to job hop, I want to establish tenure and have some sense of security, but contracts get discontinued, and layoffs happen, it’s fairly common when you work in the tech space. Both my boyfriend and I were laid off last year, at different times thankfully, and each landed at a new job fairly quickly, but ughh, our 2019 taxes are gonna be rough. I envy my mom and dad, each one has had only one major job change once their careers got started.

    22. I only lasted six months in BigLaw right after law school, but since then I’ve only had three jobs in 32 years: 12 years, 5 years, 15 years and counting.

    23. Finished education 2008. In one job 8 years, till 2016; in current job 3.5, since 2016.

    1. I had trouble with the link, too, it doesn’t work. Click on the photo instead! :)

  9. I’ve just started a new job and have the option to enroll in a HDHP with an HSA. 2 small kids. We’ve all been on PPO plan through DH’s fed job forever. Kids and I essentially have routine preventative healthcare costs. Son and I both take a daily generic medication but otherwise no significant health issues. I have very little retirement saved and our savings took a big hit in 2019. Our goal this year is to get our finances back on track.

    I’m trying to compare costs from our current PPO to the high deductible plan, but that’s a lot of data. Any anecdotes or helpful quick tips from the hive to help me as I do a deep dive in comparing? Are these plans a bad idea when you have young kids/little emergency fund? Employer will contribute to the HSA also.

    1. If you don’t have significant savings I would not get a high deductible plan. Source: just interviewed dozens of hospitals for work and heard countless stories about the rise of bad debt due to patients who cannot pay their deductibles.

      1. We’re on a HDHP because that’s the only option my company offers, and it sucks, TBH. We didn’t use our health insurance very much before last year, but then I was diagnosed with an arrhythmia and had to have a cardiac ablation, and my son injured his knee playing sports and had to have minor surgery and then physical therapy, so we met our family out-of-pocket maximum last year, which in our plan was $7,500 (our individual deductibles are $2,500 apiece). Prior to this we were on a PPO and only paid very reasonable copays for doctor visits. We have FSAs and an HSA and we drained them entirely (and then had to dip into savings) to pay for all the medical stuff we went through last year. It can happen that fast – everyone is healthy and everything is fine and then suddenly it isn’t, and you’re having to figure out how to come up with the money. It was very stressful because unlike literally anything else in life, no one can give you a comprehensive financial estimate of what surgery or a course of treatment will cost before you undertake it, and in my case with the ablation, I was still getting bills months later from random providers who had somehow mysteriously been involved in the procedure or my hospital stay. Our HHI is over $215k but we still stop and think about going to the doctor for minor issues that don’t fall under “routine care” covered 100% by the insurance, because even doctor visits and diagnostics get expensive fast and until we meet the deductible, that’s all out-of-pocket expense. If we had a different option for insurance we would take it. I very much wish we still were on the old PPO my husband had (he got laid off unfortunately), but it seems like those are going by the wayside. Especially with kids, and if you and your spouse are heading towards (or are over) 50, I would stay with the PPO.

        1. It really depends on the specific provisions of the available HDHP and PPO. For us, the math works out so that the HDHP is always cheaper. Always. Without savings to cover the OOP costs, we would be even more screwed under the PPO.

          1. I also only have an HDHP option and then had a health emergency last year. I had the savings to take care of it, but find the out of pocket maximum for your plan and make sure you could cover it.

          2. Cosigning this. I did the math carefully and the HDHP is ALWAYS cheaper than the PPO – regardless of whether you’re a heavy user or a healthy crew. So if you can tolerate the big, sporadic hits to the pocketbook (versus higher monthly premiums) it’s a no-brainer.

    2. You should be able to call your insurer and — perhaps with some persistence — get the total that you WOULD have spent out of pocket in the previous year, had you been on the HDHP rather than your PPO.

      If you have a healthy year, the odds are that your aggregate premiums for the PPO exceed what you would have spent for the HDHP. And, you get to keep the money that you saved in the HSA into the future (no “use or lose” like an FSA), which could help offset amounts you’d have to pay if you need more medical care another year.

    3. HDHP has been great for us. I have a toddler so we see the doctor a few times per year for non-preventative stuff, but at ~$100 per visit it’s fully covered by the $650/year my employer gives us in HSA money. Our premiums are crazy cheap, so we spend basically $0 on healthcare most years. However we have savings that could comfortably cover the OOP max, which is I think around $10k. If you don’t have savings equal to the OOP max, I think it’s riskier.

    4. I made a spreadsheet and calculated total cost for premiums + OOP costs at various levels of health care spending. For us, under the PPO premiums were much higher, the deductible was not that much lower, the co-pays were high, and the OOP max was higher than under the high-deductible plan. All of this made the total cost for the high-deductible plan lower under every scenario I ran, all the way from no health care spending up to the OOP max.

      1. +1, same this is true for us as well. The PPO plans at my employer are a joke…like your deductible is $1k lower but the premiums are $2k higher. There’s no universe in which they make sense.

    5. It really depends on what the premiums are, what the deductible is, what’s covered, and what you’re comfortable with spending. For high earners, you can use the HSA as a way to invest in future healthcare costs for retirement. But if you don’t have extra money to do that with it doesn’t really help.

    6. My husband is in employee benefits and is a guru on this kind of stuff. The HDHP has always been best for us, even in years when I had babies. Your out of pocket max for the PPO may be lower, but the premiums are usually much higher. So with the PPO, you end up spending the money up front on premiums. With the HDHP, you spend much less on premiums, with the potential to spend more on care. But even if you need more medical care in a certain year, you may end up spending the same amount of money overall when you account for the savings on monthly premiums. In other words, in a good year you come out ahead with the HSA, in a bad year you’re probably in the same place as if you had had the PPO. Add the employer’s HSA contribution and your ability to make HSA contributions tax free, and it’s almost always a better deal all around. Hope this helps!

    7. I have three little kids and has a HDHP. We use our HSA as a retirement account, so I mentally budget the out of pocket max, even though realistically we don’t hit our deductible most years.

    8. Y’all are the best. Thank you for the quick responses. This is exactly what I was looking for. It sounds like the best course for us may be to stay on DH’s plan this year, make progress on our financial goals, and then look to make a switch in 2021 or the following year. I worry about an unexpected injury to one of the kids and not having savings (in HSA or our personal EF) to cover that.

      1. One more piece on the HDHP cost comparison. The NYT had an article by Richard Thaler in November 2017 that did a great job of breaking down and comparing costs of different health plans. Based on this article, we went with a HDHP, and we’ve never looked back. If you have a log in, it’s easy to find. I have a .pdf that I shared at my office, and I’m happy to send it on if you’re interested.

    9. I’ve been on a HDHP/HSA for years, and the only reason it works for me is that my company contributes enough to my HSA to cover a good portion of the deductible (last employer gave me half, current employer only contributes a third), and I don’t normally spend the whole annual contribution, so when I have a major expense there’s usually enough in the HSA to cover or at least mostly cover the cost. But it depends on how high the deductible is, how much your employer is putting in your HSA, and how often you actually need medical care.

    10. I loved the HDHP. One employer contributed 2500 to the HSA (5000 deductible) and the other contributes 1600 (2500 deductible). Both employers (state government and tech company) gave comparisons and overall the HSA was much cheaper under most circumstances due to how crazy high the PPO premiums were.

    11. We are on HDHP with HSA too as a family. I would make an Excel spreadsheet with 3 scenarios:
      1 – only preventative care needed, occasional pediatrician/GP expense, so maybe $600 total OOP per year plus medications
      2 – medium expense (e.g. over the deductible range, wherever that is for you, >$3-10K)
      3 – catastrophic expense (e.g. major surgery/hospitalization, +$100K)

      Calculate how the amount of premiums you will pay with both plans (PPO vs HDHP), how much HSA money you will get.
      Then calculate what your OOP expense will be in the 3 scnearios. Basically, set up a formula to calculate the copay on anything over deductible in scenarios 2 and 3, with the upper limit of you OOP at X as per your plan.
      If you want to get fancy, you can do scenario 2 and 3 on a range of expenses (e.g. $5K with increments in $10-20K) to generate a data curve.

      Cart the curves to see where the curves for PPO vs HDHP interject. You know your financial and health situations, so you have to decide whether you can shoulder the deductible/OOP in scenario 2 to 3, based on how likely you think 2 to 3 will be.

      1. This. Although the curves may not intersect at all – mine don’t. The HDHP is better in every circumstance.

    12. An HSA is a great investment vehicle bc it’s another way besides a 401k to put some money in pre tax, so at the start of your post, I was going to say, go with the HD plan and you get 7k put in this year; if it goes well continue to add to t next year; if not switch back to your DH’s federal plan next year and at least you’ve got 7k put in which will grow for the next 20-30 years or whatever until retirement. I was with you though until you said you have little emergency fund. You CANNOT get this plan if you don’t have a solid emergency fund — funded to the amount of your max out of pocket for the HD plan. Sometimes the max out of pocket on a family plan like that can be 10k in a year — meaning you will pay for like everything all year. If you don’t have liquid funds, don’t do it — stay with your DH’s PPO which I have to imagine is well subsidized being a government offering.

      1. I love my HDHP. I am a high earner and being able to put the max into my HSA each year saves me about $1000 per year in federal taxes, which tilts the math heavily in favor of the HDHP. I also pay for everything OOP still instead of touching my HSA so the gains on my investments can continue accumulating tax free. I think at some point (maybe 55) your HSA starts to act like an IRA and you can use it for non-medical expenses, but do some googling on that.

    13. Unless your employer pays for the vast amounts of the premiums, I don’t believe you’ll come out ahead as compared to a fed plan. The whole thing with working for the federal government is that you get paid less but have good benefits. My federal health plan pays for basically everything, and my premiums are still significantly lowered the most of my friends. But if in the end you do want to move to a HDHP, you should also compare the HDHP’s offered by the fed govt.

      As an aside, if your Husband plans to retire from the federal government, keep in mind that he has to be on the Fed plan for, I believe, five years (it might be three) in order to keep the federal health insurance in retirement,. Getting to keep federal health insurance in retirement is a huge benefit because you only pay the same premium is an existing employee.

    14. I have always been on a HDHP plan, but our plan changed drastically from last year to this year. My employer pays all of my premiums and fully funds our HSA– so about $3500, which is why I stay on our plan, even though my husband has better insurance. (I would lose the HSA money if I wasn’t on my employer’s plan.)

      Last year, our deductible was $3800, and everything was free once you hit that number. I started allergy shots last year but then had some health issues and ended up in the ER for an allergic reaction (unrelated to allergy shots), so I hit my deductible. This year, our deductible is $5000, and the out of pocket max is $6800. After we hit the deductible, we still have to pay a portion of the bill until we get to $6800– so double what we can put into an HSA. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

  10. Too late to comment yesterday, but blazer-over-dress is something I struggle with.

    I have two short sleeved MMLF Nisa dresses that are black that I can wear with Senior Attorney’s The Jacket (grey nubby moto jacket from AT from years back) and one boiled wool jacket in the winter. The neck of the Nisa to me makes it not work with blazers though.

    My blazers are black, so I am thinking that for those I need something like a scoop or v-neck SS dress or a sheath. Would something like the ON ponte sheath work (I am short, so I think that the length would be OK)? If anyone has specific recommendations for current offerings from JCrew, BR, AT, or someplace that makes more flouncy and/or midi dresses (& Other Stories, maybe others?)? I wouldn’t mind spending for something like a St. John type black jacket to wear over dresses, but since I can’t get the dress part right for the blazers I own already (black, hot pink), that’s largely an aspirational goal for trying to do a better job dressing for work (which I think defaults to Creative Business Formal, which is odd, but think of “high end donor relations in a creative field”).

    1. At varying price points, the St John knit sleeveless sheath dresses, and paired Misook tank and skirt (in a single color) have worked for me. Try NM Last Call for a reasonable price on the dresses.

    2. You might like some of the dresses currently at Boden and Cos, if you are looking for flouncy/midi styles. I find that cropped, fitted blazers look best over those types of dresses, whereas a longer and more traditionally tailor or looser fitting blazer looks best with sheaths.

    3. The problem is likely your existing blazers, not your dresses. Most blazers that work with suits or pants will not work with dresses. Dresses require a shorter, more fitted blazer. Try the MMLF St. Ambroeus jardigan and cropped, collarless blazers.

      1. THIS.

        It will always look off to wear a suiting blazer over a non-suiting dress. It doesn’t matter how many different dresses you buy because the problem is not the dress.

    5. I wear my black JCrew Going Out blazer over a few different dresses … the JCrew Painted Pansy dress from many years back, a black and white houndstooth dress in a kind of tweedy fabric from Target that has a similar shape – waistband and fuller skirt, and a pale gray and white checked sheath dress from Banana Republic. I think what works for me is the first two are a good contrast of soft dress/structured jacket and the sheath works because it the gray and white works well with the black, and the skirt on that dress is a bit longer (past my knees) which balances out the jacket and doesn’t make me look too broken up, visually.

  11. I’m in DC – where is the closest warm place I can go for a family vacation (kids are 2 and 5) for 3-4 nights in April? Ideally, I’d like a pool and maybe even a beach and some easy, fun things to do.

    3. Miami would probably be the easiest place to get to, and with no need for a car if you stay on the beach.

      1. Hmm. Folly Beach might still be pretty chilly in April. It’s still lovely though!

  12. Happy Friday!
    Looking for some input from former district attorneys and state prosecutors (or public defenders) who have left the world of criminal law to pursue a change in practice area or even profession. I am thinking about it, and I am fairly convinced I would like to make the jump, and would love some insight from those who have been in my shoes.

    1. I am a public defender. I see co-workers and opposing counsel leave for private firms and use their trial experience to move into litigation positions. Some do civil rights law, some do just a broad civil practice. And then some have gone to work for the courts as staff attorneys or to teach at the local law school.

    2. I’m a prosecutor. My co-workers and opposing counsel have gone on to regulatory work at big public utilities, labour or FOIP roles, policy roles in government, both provincial and federal, and general practice in private firms.

  13. I need a gut check and some advice. At what age did you start dating and at what age did you (or will you) allow your kids to start dating? I was raised in a conservative religious environment and wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16. I really didn’t date until I was 16, but there was a good amount of sneaking around after that. Last night I caught my 13 year old in a lie – she said she was meeting friends, actually she was meeting a boy. Obviously there need to be consequences for lying, but this is my first teenager and I’m trying to figure out how to navigate this world. I don’t want to forbid her from doing something because I suspect she’ll try to find ways to do it anyway but I’m just not sure how to handle this. Any advice?

    1. Following. I’m not religious but I didn’t date at all in high school so I have no frame of reference for what’s age appropriate.

      1. Same. I WANTED to date and would have been allowed to, but didn’t really until I was in my late 20s.

    2. I had my first boyfriend at 13 and it was a good experience – the butterflies, the excitement, the first kiss, all of it. I would be okay with my kids starting a non-sexual relationship (eg, pretty supervised) at that age. Honestly, sex was not even on the radar then, but holding hands was EVERYTHING.

    3. My daughter had a boyfriend starting in the middle of her freshman year of high school, so just before she turned 15. I’d rather she be open about it than hiding something from me.

      My southern-religious extended family lore is rife with stories of girls who weren’t allowed to date, snuck around, got pregnant, got disowned, got married, got abused. Not happening on my watch.

      1. I didn’t answer your call for advice sorry. If your 13 year old has met a boy she likes, invite him over for dinner and tell her that lying is unacceptable. You can put limits on what she’s allowed to do, curfews etc, but don’t make her sneak around. Being attracted to others is perfectly normal at age 13.

        1. I agree with this. Keep things open and approach this in a non-judgmental way. Make sure she really understands you are upset about the lying, not about the boy. Set boundaries–he can come over when parents are home, they have to hang out in open areas, no closed doors. Invite him to dinner or other family things. Include him so you can keep an eye on things.

        2. +1. Anecdata, this is pretty stereotypical, but I dated a guy in HS who wasn’t “allowed” to date. That just made him sneak around and lie. He adopted some pretty reckless behavior that had nothing to do with me, and we broke up. He is 30 now, we are still in touch, and he still has a lot of issues in life and with his parents that in my opinion started in that period of sneaking around.

    4. I was always very open with my daughter that dating was ok, not something to hide, that I just wanted her to be safe (both in the sense of safe sex and with someone who treated her respectfully). . She would go out with groups of her friends to things like school dances. Once she was a senior in high school she had a boyfriend and we would invite him to dinner with the family and things like that. They ended things when they went to separate colleges.

      My parents on the other hand, especially my mother, acted like I was a sl*t for being interested in boys. She made me feel badly for kissing a boy when I was 14 and from then on I snuck around and dated older guys. Looking back it was unsafe and probably just a way to rebel. I got pregnant when I was 17 and vowed to do things differently with my daughter.

    5. My parents’ rule was 16, and TBH, I think it was wildly unrealistic. I didn’t care much because the dating pool at my rural HS wasn’t exactly inspiring, but my youngest sister was sneaking around well before that.

      I think a gradual approach might be how we go with our kids? I haven’t thought it through yet because oldest kid is only 10.
      Middle school —> ok to hang out, as long as an adult is nearby
      Early high school —> One-on-one dates OK, but with curfews and limits on location (e.g., no, you’re not going to the bigger city 60 miles away, particularly with a teen driver.)

    6. I had chaperoned “dates” starting in 7th grade (Eg my older brother and a friend escorted me and a boy to the movies; I had a date to school dances; a boy could visit me at my house if my parents were home but we could only hang out in the living room or other supervised places). I didn’t go places alone with a date until the summer after 9th grade.

      Also, my mom made sure I had VERY thorough s*x ed, private visits with my doctor, and knew where a Planned Parenthood was by age 15, even though they were religious and delivered a strong “waiting for marriage is best” message. You’ll want to make sure your daughter has that info before she starts seeing anyone seriously (and she may not tell you, so start before you think you need to!). Note that they framed that as that waiting would be emotionally and physically healthier – it wasn’t a shame or purity-based message even though that was big in the 1990s. In the end I didn’t have s*x until I was in college even though I had several serious boyfriends in HS. Just my 2 cents.

    7. I didn’t have a a dating-type relationship until age 16, but I’d say about half of my peers started dating around 13-14.
      Definitely put consequences in place for the lying but I wouldn’t come down too terribly hard this time (disclaimer – I don’t have kids). I’d try to find out why she felt like she had to lie in this situation. I agree with the other posters that keeping the lines of communication open is really essential at this age. I didn’t raise too much hell as a teenager, but I knew I could always talk to my mom.

      If you’re really concerned about sneaking out …. a gravel driveway was a deterrent for me. Hard to be stealthy with all that crunching.

    8. I was 14 when I first had a boyfriend. I don’t think I ever called him that to my parents – he was a boy that I saw a lot of – but I imagine my parents knew he was more than a friend and just didn’t push the label aspect of the relationship. 14 seems about right to me, but 13 doesn’t seem young enough to say no since it will likely just result in sneaking around, which is worse.

    9. Maybe it’s because I live in suburbia but I don’t really understand how children under 16 “date” because I feel like you need a car to go anywhere? I’d have no problem with my daughter spending time with boys at 12-14, but I’d have a big problem with her riding in a car driven by some guy’s older brother or friend.

      1. That should really read “I don’t really understand how children under 16 ‘date’ without their parents help.” I realize parents can drop their kids off at the mall to meet somebody, and that somebody can be a boy they’re “dating.” But I don’t really get how you sneak around to meet a boy or lie to your parents about your whereabouts, because don’t your parents have to drive you everywhere?

        1. They don’t really go on dates. They hang out together, just like they would hang out with their friends. If their parents are so strict that the kid feels like they have to lie, they’ll say they need a ride to the mall to meet their friends. Things like that. Mainly they hang out together at school.

        2. No, they don’t. You could date an older boy who can drive, you could say you’re meeting friends and get dropped off by your parents to meet a date, you could have an older sibling drive you places and be in on it, you could lie and say you’re doing a million different things and get a ride. You could take a bus or these days, you can install uber on your phone before you can drive (unless you looke 12 an uber driver will take you). You could walk to a boy’s house or the mall or the Dairy Queen. Come on, even growing up in suburbia, you must be creative enough in your thinking to see all kinds of versions of dating before you can drive yourself.

    10. I was 12 and in 7th grade. Then it was just a label and we occasionally held hands at school or hung out at the mall. We kissed a few times. First real boyfriend was 8th grade and we were 13 and that one lasted until college! Things got pretty physical at 14 or 15 and there would have been no stopping us. Like we sneaked into a supply room after school to hook up before we both went off to our after school sports. So, don’t think your kids aren’t doing it just because you forbid them from being alone. They will find a way!

    11. Related, when can you insist on meeting a teenager’s SO? I didn’t start dating til college and obviously at that point, many people don’t introduce an SO to parents until it’s an official relationship (or even beyond – I once lived with a guy that my parents hadn’t met!). But I feel like if my 13 year old is dating some boy, I should get to meet him – am I way offbase about that?

    12. Also from a very very conservative religion so we weren’t allowed to date at all (Muslim), so I’m not sure my opinion on age matters. But what I would say to my 13 year old (I’m still Muslim but not nearly as conservative as I was raised nor do I have the same level of distrust of all other families/kids) — no one on one solo dating for now, BUT you can go out in groups and/or hang out in the house (and it’s up to you whether you allow one boy to come over and hang out – though obviously not when no adults are around – or whether at the house must be groups too). Dating at this age can be very “innocent” from what I remember of middle school. It can be just calling each other bf/gf, just hanging out, and maybe some hand holding. That I’d be ok with. What I wouldn’t want to have happen is for it to get physical — as there were some kids in middle school doing it/bragging about it; I think the more parental involvement/of course your bf can have pizza with us, if his parents want to stop in on their way to wherever, they’re welcome – the less it’s forbidden fruit to sneak off someplace and do stuff.

    13. I was 14. I didn’t exactly sneak around but I didn’t exactly ask for permission either. I had been told by my parents a few years before that 15 sounded good to them, but I was not chastised for being too young or told I had to break up with the boy until I was 15. I think they might have let it slide because they were worried about me being too solitary.

      My sex ed had some serious gaps in it, though. I don’t know if I would have preferred to discuss these things with my mom, but I didn’t know there was anything to be done besides kissing and PIV. I went ahead with some inbetweeney, second and third base stuff on the spur of the moment, and later regretted it and wished I had known about it so I could have decided beforehand. Hope that helps you.

    14. I started “dating” in the beginning of my freshman year of high school, so right after i turned 14. I say “dating” because he was my boyfriend but the only times we saw each other outside of school was with groups of friends. I guess I did go on one true date that year in late spring with a different guy, who is a few years older than me. So when I was 14 3/4. With the exception of that one date, I didn’t start going on real dates until mid-way through sophomore year of high school when some of the guys started getting their licenses.

    15. I started dating as a HS freshman; there were a few ‘couples’ in 8th grade but it was definitely more, they flirt at school and actually dance at dances, rather than formal dating.

      My parents knew exactly what we would be doing and when on each date — like, dinner at X restaurant or going to see the 7:00 showing of Y movie. I found out as an adult that they spot checked me from time to time — they would drive to the place and look for the car in the parking lot! Apparently I was trustworthy after a few rounds of that.

    16. I have a 13-year-old daughter who is in the eighth grade. I don’t think she and her friends are yet capable of having actual dating relationships. None of her friend group “dates,” but based on what she tells me the kids in her school who do “date” are basically hanging a label on opposite-sex friendships for social status. (Interestingly, there are no same-sex “couples” openly “dating” at her school. I don’t think many kids at her school are out yet.)

      I think young teens who want to experiment with “dating” should be spending time together in groups. More maturity is required to have genuine dating relationships, maybe age 15 or 16. I believe that all girls and boys should have high-quality s*x education, including consent, adolescent brain development (did you know that your brain is not yet fully grown and plays tricks on you?), and how to think about the long-term consequences of decisions.

      IME, teenaged boys and young men can often be selfish, immature predators. I am not eager to have my child start spending one-on-one time with boys until she is old enough to be confident standing up for herself and what she wants, and until the boys are old enough to have calmed down. If she wanted to “date,” I would want to get to know the boy, and would limit one-on-one contact at this age no matter what. It is always a good idea to know something about all the kids your teen is spending time with, dating or not.

      1. There were definitely 13 year olds in my middle school making out all over the place. I doubt many were having full blown s3x but it seems a bit naive to say all 13 year olds who are “dating” are just “hanging a label on opposite-sex friendships.”

        1. Agreed. This is naïve. I was definitely in physical (but not sexual) and emotional relationships at 12 and at 13 was dating someone one-on-one with all of the trappings of being boyfriend/girlfriend (though I was already in high school then). He had a car and a drug habit, but a big heart, and I had a good head on my shoulders, so I survived and thrived and consistently dated thereafter through high school and beyond.

    17. My parents didn’t try to control me in this way and I don’t plan to with my children either (not trying to sound judgey)

    18. My son is also 13. His friends are “dating,” i.e. having their parents drive them to the movies or the mall.

      I went on my first date when I was 12 – the son of some family friends took me to play tennis. I dated more or less steadily after that and had one serious boyfriend the last two years of high school, who I got briefly engaged to when I was 19 (we broke up shortly thereafter).

      I don’t see the point in starting dating at 13, or maybe even 14. People don’t get married at 18 or 20 any more and so the way it worked in my mom’s day – you spend your adolescence dating to find the person you’re going to marry as soon as you’re out of high school – no longer applies. My son as of yet has not shown much interest in dating but we won’t forbid him from doing it. I have expressed that in a world when most people don’t get married until they’re in their 30s, I don’t know that having a relationship at 14 makes a ton of sense. My feeling is, there’s tons of time for all that and the people I knew who didn’t date much in high school had no problem finding spouses when the time was right. My childhood best friend didn’t date anyone until her sophomore year in college and she got married at 26. My husband didn’t go on his first date until he was 17 and didn’t have a girlfriend until 19 – he then made up for lost time and dated a ton until we met, and we got married when he was 28. Mostly what they missed out on was a lot of unnecessarily distracting stress and drama. I definitely feel like dating and my relationship took up a ton of energy in high school that would have been better applied somewhere else.

      OP, I would go with your gut in terms of what seems right for your daughter. I will say, I would not allow her to date much older boys. I did that, and several of my friends did also (like dating seniors when we were freshmen). It’s a recipe for trouble.

      1. +1, if you view the primary purpose of dating as finding your spouse (I do, most people don’t).

        1. Agreed, I am looking at it through that lens and that’s not the only lens out there. I agree that some people date for companionship without an end goal and to me that’s totally okay, if people are 16 or over. Under 16, if it’s a companionship thing, I think kids can have friends, and one-on-one dating doesn’t need to enter into it. I completely concur that banning kids from dating is a good idea but I’m not going to encourage dating at 13/14/15 either or act like I think it’s a good idea. We’ve had conversations about our son about “gardening” to that end. I think gardening is great and lots of fun with the right person, but it is not a consequence-free enterprise (physically or emotionally) and I also think that especially in high school, people spent way too much time and energy talking about it, thinking about it, etc. Who was “doing it” and who wasn’t and with whom took on this outsize importance that I didn’t understand. I want to be gardening-positive with him (my parents were with me) without giving him the idea that gardening is the central focus of life. And I want to do that subtly if possible. The older I get, the more I realize how much my parents subtly shaped my own thought process and values not by what they allowed or forbade but what they encouraged vs. what they didn’t talk so much about.

    19. It’s a great age for the group date! Kids hang at the mall or movies and it’s normal and important for their development. Also maybe the guy is just a friend. I wouldn’t make it out to be more than it is. She’s probably unsure vs hiding it from you deliberately. If you’re not sure what’s normal, think about pop culture references – even the goody two shoes girls in like the babysitters club books had boyfriends.

    20. I had my first boyfriend at 13, although he was long-distance and we really only hung out in person a couple times, and talked on the phone every Sunday night. Then at 14 I got into a long-term relationship with a guy a couple towns over, and we talked on the phone and over AIM a lot during the week, and hung out on weekends. My mom met his mom when she dropped me off for the first date.

      So I wouldn’t say 13 is too young to have a boyfriend and hang out with him, although it’s too young to be making out and spending a lot of time together unsupervised. I’d rather let a girl that age go meet a guy for dates, and hang out at his house or ours with parents home, and have a good idea of where she is and who she’s with, than say “no dating!” and have her sneaking off to see a boy, and have her feel like she can’t come to me if things go wrong. It’s much safer when you keep things above-board.

    21. Everyone has already added a lot of good advice here but I don’t think anyone has mentioned the age of smartphones. Be sure to talk to your daughter (and any sons when the time comes) about being safe and smart with her image and body on her phone so she doesn’t wind up in a revenge p0r n situation. It’s most likely that she will talk to any boys the majority of the time via texting, snap, tik tok, etc., so talking about safe and healthy boundaries will also be important. At some point, you should talk to her about p* rn in general and other dark corners of the intern3t as more and more teens have their own phones, ipads, and laptops, completely outside of parents’ supervision. (As for when that is, I don’t know, but all kids discover it at some point. My sister-in-law just attended a parents’ assembly about prn – this wasn’t loudly discussed but an 11yo girl was just completely hypnotized by it and her parents had no idea.) Also, be sure to keep an eye out for bullying that can really peak at this time in her life and be virtually hidden from you because it’s on her phone. And finally, heartbreak can really play out on her phone, too. Watching an ex-boyfriend or your crush hanging out with other girls on social media can really be devastating at any age and especially hard for a first relationship at such a young age.

    22. I didn’t date until college; my husband dated a bit in high school. This was a function of being a late bloomer. If anything, my parents encouraged dating too much, not too little: I think they should have been more comfortable with a nerd daughter who would rather do science homework than flirt.

      Our child is an infant, but I think we’ll focus more on age-appropriate dating rather than blanket rules or prohibitions. For example, an appropriate middle school date is ice cream or a school dance. At that age, you are looking to figure out how to interact with kind, smart, fun people whom you are attracted to. In late high school, it might be more about values and figuring out what you want in a partner.

      On the sex issue, my husband and I skew very religious and conservative (we both waited for marriage, which was mid-30s for us). But we also believe that the sex talk is far more holistic than “don’t do it; it’s dirty.” And those talks are ongoing from an early age and are about a lot more than rules and prohibitions.

    23. My eldest is only 11, so grain of salt, but lying is worse than dating. I went on a date around 13 with a boy from my church – we went to the movies, my mom drove us, his mom picked us up. I *think* we held hands, maybe kissed on the lips. I want to know where my kids are and who they are with, or there will be (scary music) *consequences”.

      My parents never forbid me from dating, but they were pretty critical about any guy I brought home and basically didn’t want to hear about any of it. I was lucky in that nothing *too* terrible happened, but if it had, I think that they wouldn’t have been sympathetic (you “asked for it” by going out with him, etc.) about any issues.

  14. Can anyone in NYC recommend a good place to get a custom-made Corian countertop? It’s actually for a bathroom, not a kitchen. Thanks!

    1. We had a good experience with Express Brooklyn Tile in Sunset Park for our quartz counters, not sure of brand.

  15. I need hive advice. I’m currently employed at a firm and looking, with a recruiter, to move. The recruiter contacted me yesterday and told me that one of my first choices had passed on me because they didn’t have a need. My question is:
    I have a mentor at that firm who I have known for years before I was even a lawyer and when she was in house. She is now back at that firm as a partner in City B which I have ties to but I don’t currently live in. I’m in City A and was applying for their office in City A. I didn’t reach out earlier this week when this whole process started, but we are due for lunch because we had cancel right before Xmas. Can I reach out now for lunch and maybe bring up the job search during the chat?

  16. All, I posted a few weeks ago thanking this community for giving me the confidence to ask for my bonus for 2019 even though I missed the hours target for 2019. I missed it by less than 40 billable hours. (I was only maternity leave for a part of 2019, and I attributed missing the bonus hours target to rolling off of deals prior to leave. My firm has said that they have some discretion for people who were on leave, so I wrote a short email explaining why my hours were slightly short and asking to be deemed eligible for the 2019 bonus.)

    I just learned that I did get my pro rated 2019 bonus! So, for anyone who needs to hear this – go on and ask for what you want.

    6. love getting updates like this! congratulations to you for advocating for yourself and what you want!

  17. Question – can a workplace move you to a lesser position with lower pay and not call that a termination? I’d rather take severance and collect unemployment.

    3. Do you mean can they do this legally? I have no idea. If you’re being transferred to a different job position or offered that transfer, that doesn’t sound like a termination to me. (It doesn’t sound pleasant, but it doesn’t sound like a termination.)

      Are they giving you the option of taking severance and leaving instead?

      If they are offering a lesser job at lesser pay, and you don’t want to do that, and they aren’t offering severance or a termination in a way that would lead to you being eligible for unemployment in your state . . . and they are breaking a law in doing so, then I guess the question for you would be to what extent you want to take on that legal fight. You going to them and saying, “You can’t do this!” likely wouldn’t be effective and you would need to escalate in some way.

    4. depends on the company. Larger companies would generally have a process where they are giving you an “offer” of the lesser position (often called a non-equivalent offer). If you decline that offer, you then would go to the termination step. At my current company, that wouldn’t include a layoff benefit, but you would be able to go collect unemployment.

    5. This same thing happened to me like 6 years ago. I refused the demotion, took a severance, and went on unemployment. It was incredibly toxic workplace that I deemed GoT-like and I was more than happy to get out of there. I also had them agree, in writing, to not contest the unemployment.

    6. Sure, unless you have some kind of contract stating otherwise, which is unlikely if you’re in the US.

    7. Depending on how big a demotion – say, you were an exec and now you’re in the mailroom, as an extreme example – it might be considered a “constructive discharge,” meaning that no reasonable employee would stay. In a constructive discharge case, you could be entitled to unemployment benefits. You should consult an employment attorney who is familiar with your state laws (and who might help you negotiate an exit).

    8. they do need to be careful….I worked for a very large company (100K employees) and they were very careful to eliminate your position and give you 30/60/90 days to apply and find another one….and OK, maybe the only one you could find was lower paying, but they cannot tell your position is eliminated and downgraded to a lower paying position. In my state that is not legal.

  18. I’ve been doing more and more media appearances for work and need a TV dress that I can keep in my office. Maybe a 3/4 sleeve sheath? Dark ish? Jewel-tone? My current go to dress is getting visibly shaby.

      1. ^This. Boden Ottoman in a jewel tone. I have 3 that are 3/4 sleeve and they’ve lasted for years. They are my go-to for conferences, panels, etc. where I’m likely to be photographed. Also, they’re pretty forgiving. They’ve worked for me pre-baby, post-partum, and now that I’ve lost baby weight, almost sisterhood of the traveling pants style.
        The ones I have are sort of a fit and flare style but hit at a very work-appropriate length, which I love. Would also be good because you don’t have to worry about the garments you have on underneath not being right if you have to change into it unexpectedly.

  19. Online dating gripe of the day. Matched with a guy late last week. We chatted, he asked me out for this week, I offered Tuesday or Friday. He picked Friday (today). We set a time and place. I haven’t heard from him since Monday. I reach out this morning to confirm and he asks to reschedule to next week (no explanation or excuse as to why). Excuse me, when were you planning to tell me I no longer have Friday night plans? I’m really not inclined to reschedule.

    3. thank u, next. for sure.

      It’s not that he wants to reschedule, it’s how he handled it. He could have proactively contacted you to reschedule and been apologetic/explanatory as to the reason for the reschedule.

    6. I wouldn’t reschedule, and I also wouldn’t bother to reply. I hope your Friday night turns out better!!

    8. Ew. Don’t reschedule. He’s already treating you like an after thought! What would have happened if you hadn’t texted? was he just going to not tell you?!

  20. I made it through my no-buy month for home decor and clothing, my two weaknesses. A few observations:
    1) Cutting down on the number of brands/stores I follow on Instagram was essential to curbing my “want” list.
    2) I have plenty.
    3) I will probably always want more. I’m really good at inventing supposed needs, and I don’t particularly like that about myself.
    4) I like what I like, and I usually regret most forays into changing/diversifying my style. I can’t say I’m the most inventive person on the planet but I always look appropriate.
    5) Staying out of those departments have drastically reduced the length of my Target trips. And speaking of Target … I may need to institute a “no-buy ever” rule. During my latest closet cleanout, I realized that almost everything in the donate pile was from Target. I also hate the new store arrangement so much that it’s been easier to stay away.

    That is all. I’m considering doing another no-buy month in February.

    1. Great job! I’m not doing a new buy month, but I’m tracking every physical non-consumable item I purchased. It was a total of three items in January, which I’m pretty happy with. I’ll try to keep it under that in February.

    2. This is so inspiring! I feel like the self-awareness one learns from a no-buy challenge is even more valuable than the money saved.
      We just paid our Dec/Jan credit cards and we can’t believe how much mindless spending we did- so I’m inspired now to do a No Buy month too!

    3. Everything in my giveaway pile is always Old Navy and Talbots, 100% of the time. I need to learn from you and go on a no buy from those stores.

  21. (Let me preface by saying I swear I’m not a tr0ll.) Can you recommend a reputable and discrete webs*te to order a “gardening” toy. I’d rather not do a search because I’m afraid of the ads that might follow that type of search, especially when my kids periodically use my laptop. And also, any recs for a good toy that could be used during the act with my DH to help me reach the finish line?

    1. go over to cupofjo . . . they’ve done several posts/roundups, and recommendations — all in a non-creepy way.

    2. Fwiw, if you turn on a browser window in incognito mode, you shouldn’t get any ads related to that search in the future.

    11. Check out Domi products. One is similar to the beloved magic wand, but is cordless and doesn’t sound like a lawnmower.

    13. I came across some on the website for the Vermont Country Store, of all places, but I have no personal experience with any of them that it sells. They call them “massagers.”

      And good for you for trying this out!

    14. Wirecutter has adult toy recs and links so you wouldn’t be searching. You can get many products on Amazon (although I’d be careful about ordering from third party sellers).

  22. I turned 30 this year, and am strongly considering rhinoplasty. DH is completely against it. I am getting more self conscious about my nose with time. I go through phases where I kind of accept it, and then something triggers me and I want surgery ASAP. Even in my “acceptance” phases I don’t feel good about my nose, I just temporarily convince myself that looks don’t matter. Anyway, I just booked a consultation with a very good surgeon. Haven’t told DH yet, but I will, he will see the charge on our credit card statement anyway. Thoughts? What made you decide to go through with plastic surgery or not?

    1. It sounds like something you really want to do and that’s fine, that’s your decision, but the hitch is whether you can afford it as a couple. I wouldn’t be pissed at my partner for wanting plastic surgery unless it were going to come with serious financial costs. Given that half of households would struggle to pay an unexpected $400 bill (or is it $200?), you definitely need to be on the same page about this from the financial perspective.

      1. Fortunately, we definitely can. It is not something he will want to spend the money on, necessarily, but it’s not a large expense for us.

    2. If my husband snuck off and spent several hundred dollars on a consultation with a plastic surgeon when he knew I thought the surgery was too risky, then expected me to take care of him after said surgery, I would be furious. If you have shared finances, you don’t just go spending $$$ on something your spouse is opposed to. If you are a team, you don’t go risking your health or life without your spouse’s support. For reference, my husband is anti-helmet, but he wears a helmet to bike and ski because he knows it’s important to me and because he doesn’t want to, you know, die or get a TBI and leave our family in the lurch.

      1. But surely part of the consultation involves finding out exactly what would be involved in the surgery, and therefore how risky it is? I agree that risk is something that her DH deserved input on, although I would guess that the risks from rhinoplasty in a healthy adult are significantly lower than the risks of, say, skiing with no helmet. But she’s just information-gathering at this point, even if she does have to pay for that info.

    3. Ten years ago I got rhinoplasty for my 30th birthday (gift to myself!). I’d hated my nose for close to 20 years even though there wasn’t anything actually wrong with it; I always thought it was too high, too long, kind of hooked. When I went to see the plastic surgeon, they took photos of my nose from various angles. They then digitally created pictures of what they thought my new nose would look like. My mom had never understood why I wanted my nose done until she saw those pictures. She then understood 110%. She just couldn’t see what I’d hated for all those years until she saw the proposed “after” pictures.
      I am so glad I did the surgery and only wish I’d done it sooner. My nose now fits my face. I’ve never wanted to have anything else done so it wasn’t some slippery slope into changing how I look with repeated surgeries.
      I suggest making an appointment with an excellent surgeon (if you’re in Dallas, I used Rod Rorich). Take some pictures of noses you like to your appointment. Tell the surgeon what you don’t like about your nose and listen to what she/he suggests could be changed. Then have them do the before and “after” pictures. Then discuss again with your husband. The pictures may help him understand how you could look while still looking exactly like yourself.

      1. +1 to Rorich. DPSI is excellent for rhinoplasty in particular. Surgeon definitely matters; make sure you go with someone who has a lot of experience and happy patient reviews alongside peer reviewed publications etc.

    4. If your husband is opposed, you need to invite him to the consultation so he can learn more about the procedure and maybe get more comfortable with the idea.

      1. +1. I have gone with my wife to various consultations, though for non-cosmetic procedures. It’s helpful for both of us.

    5. I got a rhinoplasty when I was 23 and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I used to think about my nose constantly and worry and feel self conscious. People are cruel and would also make comments on my big nose, ever since I was a teen. But the biggest driver for me is that I just didn’t want to think about it anymore, and I wanted to feel pretty/attractive.

      Now I spend no time thinking about it and it feels so freeing. I also look much more attractive with a smaller nose (although it’s not a small nose, but I didn’t want a small nose anyway, just one that fit my face). I also smile all the time now, whereas before I was self conscious about smiling because it made my nose look bigger.

      Obviously you want your husband on board but if money is not an issue, I would do it yesterday. Recovery was pretty painless for me. You need your husband to drop you and pick you up after the surgery and you’re pretty out of it on the day of surgery, but I was up and about the next day. I think the bandages come off after a week or 10 days, so be sure you take off enough time for work.

      I would get a consult with a couple of different surgeons, just to compare and contrast. Obviously go to someone who is board certified and has all of the credentials and has great reviews.

      Finally, it’s now 17 years later and I have never had any desire to get any other surgery done (my parents were worried about this at the time).

      1. I haven’t had a rhinoplasty, but had other elective cosmetic surgery and just want to echo this sentiment about how freeing it was to finally not have to think about that particular issue anymore. Before the surgery I felt kind of embarrassed about having a procedure (with some inherent risk) just for the sake of vanity. But afterwords, I wished I had done it way sooner. Just being able to devote my mental energy elsewhere was so worthwhile.

        1. OP you guys are voicing so much of whatI want. I just don’t want to think about my nose anymore. I don’t want to think about it every time I look in the mirror, every photo I see. I don’t want to take selfies and then delete immediately because of my stupid nose (happened yesterday) (and yes I know noses actually look bigger in selfies). That does sound very freeing.

          1. With this, I say do it! It is very freeing. I didn’t get a rhinoplasty (differen cosmetic procedure) and I never regretted it and have no desire to do more. Do what you need to do to explain to your husband that this is a calculated risk you have decided to take because the benefits are worth it to you and he should respect your decision for your bodily autonomy. Get that info from the surgeon and talk through with him. Finances not being an issue, you would do the same to respect his own choices.

      2. +1 to all of this, I was in a very similar situation and I’m so happy I got my nose done at 21 (i’m now in my early 40s). My parents were very opposed to it but came around (I paid for it out of my own savings) and everyone moved on. I’ve never had anything else done and the only thing I can imagine ever getting done is maybe Botox or fillers down the line.

    6. I had mine done right before law school, and wholeheartedly recommend if you’re unhappy with your nose. Mine was just a bit too big for my face, a little crooked, a little too sloped down, and I had a deviated septum that was fixed at the same time. It wasn’t egregious, but I hated the way I looked in pictures and it was sort of a fixated point of unhappiness with my face. I had it done, and I basically never think about my nose any more. Neither the procedure nor the recovery were a big deal. FWIW, people largely didn’t notice at the time – I’ve since had people say things like they remembered it being bigger, but thought I just grew into it. NOPE! :) When I do tell people, the reaction is usually along the lines of “you go girl”. Life is short, if you can afford it do what’ll make you happy in your own skin.

  23. to your last point, decluttering in general is always such a wake up call as to how much stuff I accumulate that ends up not filling the need I thought it would. As a consequence, I can restrain from impulse buys much better, when I’ve just decluttered/organized a drawer or cabinet recently.

    1. Absolutely same! I don’t have a Target nearby so that’s not where my cheap stuff comes from, but I did realize after my most recent purge that all of the things I don’t like are from Old Navy or J. Crew Factory or just otherwise poorly made. I’m really going to try to stick to buying fewer, better clothes from now on, although it’s hard to resist those dopamine rushes from online shopping.

  24. Ladies, I am overthinking my interview this afternoon! I am an early career researcher, but have realized that I do not want to lead a research group and am applying for jobs in operations, aka support staff at a research institution. In my phone and committee interviews, I apparently gave a good enough explanation for why I’m making this switch and that I could do the work or learn to. All those interviews were with other support staff aka future colleagues. Today I am meeting with the senior scientists I would report to and that my work would support closely. Other than getting along on a personal level and convincing them that I really have thought about this shift and want it for good reasons, what do you think a higher level manager wants to learn in an interview for a direct support staff?

    1. Do you have a master’s or a Ph.D.? I am a senior social science researcher. We hire on two tracks, the master’s-level track and the Ph.D.-level track. Candidates on the master’s track are not expected to have managerial ambitions, although they may. We hire both entry-level and senior individual contributors on this track. Candidates on the Ph.D. track are expected to have ambitions to be PIs, and we screen for this. If you had a Ph.D. but never wanted to have any sort of managerial role, we would consider you for the master’s track but would ask a lot of questions to be sure that you really wanted to be an individual contributor and weren’t going to become dissatisfied and quit.

      1. thanks, this is helpful. I have a PhD and even work as postdoc right now. My PhD work experience and my current experience were vastly different, and I have now realized a number of things about myself and the job requirements that made me change my goals. I am confident that I can explain this without sounding like I tried and failed, and also without blaming bad bosses etc. It’s really about fit.

        1. Then please stop calling yourself an early career researcher ;-) own the experience!

  25. If you were in a very long term marriage, and your sixtyish husband suggested you have a v@gin*l tightening procedure to add to his enjoyment, what would you do? IMO any recent loss of pleasure on his part is due to performance decline on his end (although he responds well to ED drugs). My own function and enjoyment are fine thank you. I wouldn’t dream of surgery (and made that clear), but would you do k3g3ls (which I hate) in an attempt to show good faith? I’m not going to dump him at this point in my life.

    4. If he jumped straight to “get surgery”, I’d tell him to get effed, but if it was part of an open conversation about what we can both do to make things better, I’d consider kegels.

      1. Nope. She doesn’t like kegels and the problem is entirely his. She doesn’t owe him kegels.

    5. Oh hi. I posted here a few years ago about a guy who told me I was “too loose” and then got me an apology Christmas ornament to make up for it. The problem was actually that the guy had a death grip problem but was convinced the issue was because he was too small and he didn’t want to admit it to himself. I dumped that guy fwiw.

      Now I’m not saying to dump your husband, but I share this story because it’s pretty common for men to experience some gardening issue and blame it on the woman to distract themselves from their own fear of inadequacy. First step here is get husband to apologize because that is some bs right there. No you do not undergo surgery because he has ED. He needs to get over himself and accept the “problem” is him not you, and it’s only a real problem if he makes it one by not doing things like taking his meds and seeing a doctor if it doesn’t improve. ED happens to all men at some point in their lives and it’s nothing to be ashamed about.

      Also no you don’t need to do exercises in that area unless you independently feel you need to.

    6. Suggest he go to some shady surgeon for a size “enhancement” if he wants it tighter. He should put his own parts on the line for this one.

    8. LOL! What about your post op healing and pain, risk of infection, nerve damage, decreased sensation?

    9. I have no words about the request, but just by way of information, surgery is not necessarily required. There are lasers for this purpose. One is called the “Diva” and the other is called the “Mona Lisa Touch”. Source: I work in healthcare.

      2. A friend of mine was all excited to get this and said it did nothing. It was supposed to tighten, it was supposed to reverse post-menopausal vaginal atrophy. She paid several thousand dollars and had several treatments and experienced no improvement.

        Source: post-menopausal girls’ night out.

    10. I’d start doing kegels for your own health. And suggest he look into surgery for his own ‘tools’ if he has such an issue.

    13. To quote the amazing Dr. Jen Gunter: “There’s this idea that a vagina needs to be tighter. Why is that even a thing? It’s such a predatory, patriarchal concept. Usually the biggest predictor of success in a long-term relationship is a caring partner that’s attentive to your needs. The small amount of vaginal laxity you might have with aging, that’s unlikely to be responsible for a problematic sexual relationship.”

      See her wonderful book and various interviews including: https://blogs.webmd.com/webmd-interviews/20191003/the-vagina-bible-dr-jen-gunter-talks-straight-about-womens-bodies

      Bottom line: Don’t do it, my friend.

  26. I know there are some fans of the Good Place ’round these parts, so I gotta ask, without spoiling it, what did you think of the finale? I thought they wrapped everything up quite nicely, with just the right amount of feels, and I loved the post-show chat with Seth Meyers that was included in our recording!

    1. I loved it. The Good Place has probably been my favorite show in recent years – for sure my favorite network shows. I thought they really stuck the landing and provided good closure for everyone in a way that made me cry several times (during and after the show). Now, what is the Schur team going to do next?

      Plug: I love The Good Place The Podcast as much as I love the show. It’s hosted by Mark Evan Jackson (Sean on TGP and Kevin on Brooklyn 99) who is a lovely human being, and guests are typically at least one actor and one behind the scenes person. It’s given me a ton of insight into how tv shows get made and is fascinating overall. It’s one podcast episode per tv show, and the first 12 podcast episodes assume you’ve seen all of the first season. Totally check it out if you haven’t!

    2. Planning to watch it tonight and ahhh I don’t think I’m ready for it to be over!

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